#but that's just the reality i'll have to deal with until i can get proper treatment for - well everything.

[pokemonruby]

2023 tomorrow huh

[venjras]

ESPRESSO - SUKUNA.

˗ˏˋ nsfw, tw: f!reader, oral ( f!receiving ), use of pet names, hair pulling.

it had been a busy evening at work, your boss made you very angry and you came home almost dragging yourself, exhausted. it was like they were able to suck right out of you every single energy left in your body. he notices it right away. as soon as you cross the threshold of your house he immediately pint pointed the slow pace, tired eyes and small sighs you couldn’t hold back from doing.

“doll, what happened?” he softly asks as he approaches you, pulling you into a hug and letting you hide against his chest, almost disappearing into that body that is practically twice your size.

“nothing, i'm just tired.” you murmur but he had already sensed something was defenetly off. so he brings two fingers under your chin and forces you to look at him, your gaze immediately colliding with those dark eyes of his that every time seemed able to read you to the soul.

“i'll kill them all, you just have to ask.” he speaks with a lightness that snatches a laugh from you, getting on your tiptoes so you can give him a little peak on the lips.

“it's okay, really, thanks ‘kuna.” at the moment you don't feel like dealing with this topic, it already seems far away thanks to your boyfriend's sweet words.

you don't know what you would do without him, neither did him really. yours had been a reciproche obsession right away, madly in love, dependent on each other, like pieces of puzzles they had waited all their lives just to meet. to the point that you would not doubt whether sooner or later the words addressed to your superiors’ behaviour would become reality. he couldn't stand to see you being mistreated, the mere thought made him boil with anger and if you hadn't been there to calm him he would destroy anything — and anyone — in his path.

“mhm, i know how to send away all this stress.” a sly smile makes room on his lips and you don't have time to realise that he has already taken you in his arms, headed for your shared bedroom.

you suddenly feel your world shift when your back is pressing against the mattress, under the heavy weight of his big body as he pushes its way between your thighs. when your lips meet, something dangerous snaps in his self control and suddenly your body is pushed deeper into the soft fabric, his hands gripping tightly at your hips as he licks messily into your mouth, drinking you up and groaning at the first, wet glide of your tongue along his. you curl your arms around his neck as you gasp helplessly his name. you are kissing him fiercely as he grinds against you, large palms roaming along the dips of your figure until you’re mewling against his panting mouth and hitching your leg around his waist.

“lemme take care of you, baby.” he whispers against your mouth, there’s a carnal drop in his tone and you feel the sound vibrate against your skin before he’s pulling away, slowly going down on you. hands moving to pull down your pants and panties, followed by a tentative swipe of his fingers along your already embarrassingly slick pussy. it was funny how worked up you could get over nothing, just because it was him who did it.

sukuna smears kisses down your hips before he’s lifting your weak legs over his shoulders, licking his lips when he gets the first glimpse of your pretty pussy. he’s immediately shoving his face between your thighs, taking a long taste of your cunt, smirking against it when you gasp out a yes followed by your hand pulling his pink strands. slurping you up like he hasn’t eaten a proper good meal in ages. your back arches at the sudden stimulation when you feel his tongue flatten against your clit, it only takes a few seconds before his muscled forearms are keeping you pinned beneath his huge body, your hips twitching as you cry out for him.

he’s a messy eater, lost in his own pleasure as he loses himself in your addictive cunt, the taste feels like fucking heaven on his tongue and he moans because of it. pure hunger. every swipe of his tongue sends bliss racing through you, arousal pooling dangerously in your stomach as your eyes prick with pleasured tears. his pace never eases and you feel like you can barely breathe as he showers you in strong licks, panting warm along your glistening folds when he pulls away to admire the way your slick shines when it’s mixed with his spit.

it’s embarrassing how quickly you feel your orgasm. you feel his nose knock against your clit as he smacks lewdly, feeling your warm walls flex around his thick tongue when he dips it past your fluttering hole. you’re pretty sure the lower half of his face and cheeks are soaked as you feel your arousal pool onto the bedsheets below you.

he feels so fucking good, and you feel lost in a dizzy dream when you meet his heavy gaze once more, watching the muscles of his back move through the tight fabric of his white shirt. something dangerous spark along your nerves when his huge palms rock you against his mouth, reducing you to pretty pants and babbles of his name.

“p-please, ‘m gonna come — ” you moan out, feeling an unfamiliar sensation build up into the deep pits of your lower abdomen. it felt like an intense pressure building up before gradually starting to press down onto your pussy.

your jaw drops, feeling like you were about to gush right out. and it happens. you end up gushing right on his face, it trickle all down his chin and your eyes roll back like it was fucking nirvana. everything feels so quick, you’re barely able to breathe regularly as your eyes grow droopy and your legs break because of the spasms.

“did you just squirt on my face?” he slowly pulls away, chuckling, finishing tasting the remains of his meal left on his tongue while looking right into your eyes. he is breathing hard, pupils blown wide as they scan over your features.

“mhm, how about you do that again? showing me how much of a good girl you are.”

sorry in advance, english it’s not my first language.

©️ venjras.

[writtenbymisunderstoodnerds]

With you, everything's okay (USWNT x ADHD Reader)

This is part 3 of the ADHD reader series. It's kinda long, but hope you enjoy!

Part one

Part two

Words: 4.6K

Due to the Adderall shortage I didn't have much of my medication, which was not great. I was supposed to get a refill a couple of days ago, but I wasn't able to yet. It could be a few days, weeks or months until I got more. Given what's been on the news, it was something I had anticipated so I had a few days worth for when I really needed it. I had a doctors appointment next week to try figure out a different medication, but I was almost tempted to just not do it. When I first got medication for my ADHD it was a long process of dose adjustments, and dealing with side effects. It was mentally and physically draining. It was something I didn't really want to go through again. The headaches and sleepless nights when I didn't take it were bad enough. Though I didn't know how I would cope long term without it. 

We had just started another month long camp which made this whole thing just a bit more difficult. Ally wasn't with me and I wasn't sure if or when she would be able to visit. For now I was trying to distract myself. I had spent hours so far scouring the internet and going from jeweler to jeweler with Ali trying to find the perfect ring for Ally. None of them were good enough or matched who Ally was. She didn't like fancy rings with big stones or really any stones. She preferred more plain, flush bands with maybe a tiny stone. Ally deserved more than a plain band though. I just had to find the perfect one. 

For the third or maybe fourth time I had dragged Ali out shopping with me. It had probably been hours and I still hadn't found anything that was right. I was starting to get frustrated when Ali literally dragged me away from the mall to the park across the road. 

"You need to take a break."

"But-"

"No, you're getting frustrated and irritable so we're taking a break."

My eyes started to water as I hid my face in my hands, "I just want to find the ring she deserves Ali."

Ali sat down beside me, pulling me into her side, "I know and we will. It'll just take some time, it's only been a few weeks since you got engaged. Have you looked into custom design rings?"

I had gotten Ally a cheap ring in the mean time, but I hated that she had to wait for a proper one. "I didn't even think of that."

We went back to the hotel after getting lunch. Since Ali mentioned it, I was itching to look into designer rings. I had briefly on my phone, but Ali quickly stopped me so I would actually eat. It was a free day so I locked myself in my room quickly going down the rabbit hole of custom rings. I spent hours comparing different companies and small businesses, calling or emailing them to figure out more around pricing and what type of designs they could do. I ended up finding a small business that could get it done in about 2-3 weeks once the design was decided on. 

The design was the next thing I got lost in. I wanted to get it done as soon as possible so Ally could finally get the ring to go with the proposal. There were a couple of ideas that I was playing around with, but it was hard to choose just one. I don't know how long it had been when my phone rang breaking me out of my fixation. Of course it was a facetime from Ally, her ringtone always brought me back to reality. 

Hey baby

Hi

What's got you so distracted that you didn't even look at me? I miss my beautiful smile

I laughed, quickly glancing at her, involuntary smile stretching across my face,Nothing, sorry

Right, I'll pretend I believe you. Did you eat?

It's not dinner yet

Baby, it's 9pm where you are.

No it's no- Oh shit, I got distracted

Ally giggled, the sound making my heart skip a beat. I wished she was here. I figured, Ali is going to bring you something since I know you won't leave whatever it is you're doing.

Thank you Al. Can I ask you something?

Anything

If you had to pick one thing from our relationship, date, holiday, whatever really, what's your favourite thing?

That's a hard one. Do you remember our snowboarding trip?

Our first trip together was a snow boarding trip. We hadn't been together very long and we ended up getting snowed in with no power for 2 nights. All we could do was read, cuddle, play board games, talk and try to keep the fire going. Ally and I had connected from the start, but that trip was a sort of turning point in our relationship. We got to know each other on a deeper level, telling each other all the intimate and deep parts of ourselves. That was when I told her about my adhd, my family, how they acted and how I felt growing up. 

It was the first time I ever cried in front of her. There had been a sense of shame wash over me. I wasn't one to cry in front of people, it had been ingrained in me since I was young. Ally had just held me tightly, whispering reassurances then making me laugh harder then I had in a long time. She had never judged me about anything. Sure, occasionally she would tell me I was being stupid, but she always had my back.

Where's that head of yours baby?

Sorry, I was just thinking back to that trip. It was a disaster, but I loved that trip.

Me too. I think that's my favourite

There was a knock on the door before I could reply. My stomach growled when I saw the food Ali was holding. I hadn't realised how hungry I actually was. In all honesty, I probably wouldn't have eaten if Ali hadn't shown up with food,  "Thank you Ali."

"You're welcome. I'm just glad someone could get through to you. We've all been texting and calling you, even knocked on the door. We figured you were asleep or completely zoned out."

"You got Ally to call me?"

"She was already going to. I just asked if she had heard from you. I didn't want to wake you up if you were asleep, I know the last couple of days have been hard."

"I appreciate that. I got stuck into that thing we were talking about. I'll show you later."

Ally and I continued to talk while I kept working on the design and she started to fall asleep. I stayed on the phone with her even after she fell asleep. We had always slept on facetime together when we were apart. It made us feel closer when we couldn't be. 

By time 4am rolled around I had finally finished the design idea. I had done a rough sketch, but also described my idea so the person could adjust if needed to what they could do. My design idea was mountains that wrapped around the entire band. A textured sky to resemble a snowy day with a small set diamond to look like the moon and hopefully someway to make the mountains look like it was covered in snow. I didn't know if it was completely possible, but even something remotely like that would be okay. I quickly sent it off before I could overthink and change my mind. I was very glad that we had another day off tomorrow. 

---

"Ally!" I ran, jumping in her arms and hugging her tightly. "What are you doing here?"

"Thought I would surprise you again."

"Not that I don't love that you're here, but aren't you busy at work?"

"I am, but I can work remotely now."

"You can? Wait, you got the promotion?" Ally nodded, huge smile on her face as I picked her up and spun her around, kissing her hard. "Oh my god, this is amazing. You are amazing. I am so fucking proud of you Ally."

The girls wandered into the lobby, greeting Ally with quick hugs, "Guys! Ally got the promotion!"

Some of the girls practically jumped on Ally telling her how proud they were. They had even dragged her out for dinner that night saying that we had to celebrate her achievement. Some even going as far as doing speeches. I loved how much they adored Ally, how they had welcomed her into the team without hesitation. 

We were lying in bed that night, wrapped up in each other. I brushed a piece of hair out of her face before kissing her softly, "I really am so proud of you Ally. You're amazing. You've worked so hard for this, you deserve this."

"Thank you Y/n. I couldn't have done it without your love and constant support even if my job bores you."

"Yeah well, for you I will go through all the boring shit in life a million times over." I kissed her softly before sighing, "I'm sorry Al."

Ally's forehead creased as her eyebrows drew together, "What are you apologising for?"

"I'm sorry that it's been weeks since I proposed and I haven't gotten you a proper ring yet. You deserve the perfect ring and I'm sorry you don't have it yet."

She smiled softly, cupping my cheek and making me look at her, "Do you remember what I said when you asked me to marry you?" I shook my head. All I remembered was her saying yes and being very excited. "I told you that I don't care about a ring and I meant it. If this was the only ring you got me, I wouldn't care. All I care about is being with you okay?"

"I love you Ally so fucking much. I just- Your ring is on the way, I just don't know when it'll get here."

"It's okay, I already know I'll love it."

---

Arms wrapped around me from behind, kisses being placed along my jaw. I turned my head, connecting our lips in a long kiss as I pulled her round to my lap. Ally squealed against my lips, giving me the opportunity to slip my tongue into her mouth. A breathy moan slipped from Ally as our tongues met. After a couple of seconds, Ally's fingers dug into my shirt as she pushed me away, "We're in the meal room."

"That can be changed besides no one else is here."

"I have a meeting in half an hour so stop being a horndog and show me what had you so focused."

"You can't blame me, you know what your work clothes do to me." 

I had been looking at different wedding themes on Pinterest, but I was struggling to find ones that might actually suit Ally and I. We were very simple people, we didn't need anything fancy to be happy. We weren't traditional either. It was something we used to make jokes about, how we would go the complete opposite way, have some random colour instead of white, casual clothes and a barbeque. Just one big party. I didn't know what we were actually going to do. When we talked about it, it was just an idea, far off in the future. Now it was a reality and I was so excited to marry Ally. I knew we actually had to talk about when we wanted to do it, but I couldn't wait to marry her. 

I turned my computer so Ally could see, "Anyway, I'm looking at wedding ideas. We should talk about when we want to do it, soon, sooner, soonish, far away, somewhere in the middle. I mean, I'm really fucking excited to marry you, but if you wan-"

"Okay baby, take a breath. You just named three times that are pretty much the same and aren't actually times."

"Sorry, I'm just excited. You know I never thought I would want to get married, let alone be this excited about it."

Ally wrapped her arms around me, kissing my temple, "I know Y/n/n. Don't apologise for being excited, I never meant to make it sound like a bad thing. Trust me, I can't wait to marry you and I love that you are excited to marry me, I would be kind of mad if you weren't."

I giggled, nuzzling my nose against her neck, "So what do you think?"

"Well, I think the sooner the better."

"Exactly what I was thinking. The more I look, the more I'm convinced on a court house wedding. It's such a process."

"A court house wedding would be a lot easier."

"No! you can't have a court house wedding," Kelley yelled making us jump and me glare at her. 

---

Today was the worst day yet without my meds. I was exhausted, my head hurt, I was irritable beyond belief, every little sound or touch felt a hundred times worse and I couldn't focus on anything. There had been a very small handful of times in our relationship that I couldn't handle Ally's touch, this was one of those times. It always made me feel like shit, guilty that my own girlfriend couldn't even touch me. That didn't help me feel any better. Ally was always so understanding about it all, reassuring me that it was okay and dealing with my over touching afterwards to make up for it. Today was no different, Ally had been amazing, giving me space, reassuring me.

Ally had brought me lunch so I wouldn't have to be around the team. We were sitting on the floor in silence after eating. Normally, just being near Ally would help but everything was starting to get too overwhelming. I felt like I was about to explode, like any second I would break. And I did. I didn't mean for it to happen, things just boiled over. Ally suggested we go for a walk, she knew it would help, so did I but I couldn't bring myself to leave the room. I ended up snapping at her.

"Come on Y/n/n, you know it'll help."

"Just give it a rest! I don't need you pestering me, I'm not a child, I'm an adult, I can handle this myself. Just back off."

Ally just looked at me for a second before getting up and walking out. I buried my hands in my hair, pulling slightly. Maybe it wasn't the most healthy thing, but it helped ground me. Well normally it would. It helped enough to snap me out of it and realised I fucked up, "Fuck."

Tears fell before I could stop them as I curled up in a ball and cried. I had never snapped at Ally like that before. Sure we had fights occasionally, but there was never yelling. I cried and sobbed, letting everything from the last week or so out. Being off my meds was exhausting, physically but mostly mentally. My mind was almost constantly a mess. It took me back to how I felt growing up. Like I was annoying, a burden, stupid. That the people around me only put up with me because they had to. Ally included. 

Once the tears finally stopped, I just lay there staring at the celling. It's like I was stuck there, I knew I had to go find Ally, but I couldn't move. The door opened then I felt someone sit down next to me. I knew it wasn't Ally, she always wore a perfume that I would recoganise instantly. 

"What's going on Y/n/n?" Christens soft voice filled the silence.

"It's too much. I-I don't know if I can handle this. I'm just a burden to everyone around me. I fucked up, Ally hates me. It's just too much Chris."

"Y/n Y/l/n you are not a burden. I know things are hard without your medication, but that does not mean you are a burden. We love you, we are here for you okay? I know it's hard, I know it feels overwhelming, but we've got you. We've always got you Y/n. Ally could never hate you, she loves you. Did something happen with her?"

"I fucked up. I snapped at her when she was just trying to help. I've never done anything like that before. I fucked up Chris," My voice cracked, tears somehow welling up again. 

Christen pulled me into her. I didn't fight it, instead gripping her shirt tightly as sobbed wracked through me again. She rubbed my back, whispering quiet reassurances. Eventually Christen moved, being replaced by someone else who held me tight, hand slipping under my shirt and drawing patterns along my skin. Perfume overtook my senses, that sweet perfume I knew so well. I sobbed harder, gripping her shirt as if my life depended on it. In a way it did. I couldn't imagine my life without Ally in it. She understood me in a way no one else did, she knew how to calm me down, how to support me, how to make me laugh. Most importantly she loved me despite my flaws. 

"I'm sorry Ally, I'm so sorry. Please forgive me, I'm so-"

"Shhh, it's okay, I've got you baby, I've got you."

It took a while, but eventually the tears stopped. I sat up, moving away from Ally to sit against the bed. I felt myself go numb. Over the years, it had become my way to protect my self when things, especially emotions got too much. It hadn't happened in a while. Things were never too much when Ally was around, it was manageable. Right now I didn't know where we stood and I was scared.  

I felt two warm hands cup my cheeks and soft lips press against my forehead, "Don't do that. Don't blank out on me. Come back to me."

"W-what are you doing here?"

"Chris texted, she was worried about you, said you needed me."

"You came even after I said what I did."

Ally laced her fingers with mine, "Of course I did. While I didn't appreciate what happened, I know you didn't mean it. Besides, you needed me. I will always be there for you when you need me."

"I'm sorry for snapping at you, I was just so overwhelmed. I don't know if I can do this Al. It's just so much."

She pulled me up, wrapping me tightly in her arms then guiding me so we were cuddled in bed, "I know it's hard baby, I know it's frustrating, but we've got this. I'm right here by your side every step of the way, I'm not going anywhere."

"We're okay?"

"We're okay baby. You owe me a massage though, when you're feeling better to make up for this."

I chuckled, cuddling into her side, my eyes getting heavy, "Deal. I love you Al."

"I love you Y/n. Try and get some sleep. I'm finished work for the day. Chris is going to bring dinner for us a bit later."

---

The ring had just arrived at the hotel and I was scared to open it. I ran straight up to Ali, pulling her away much to the confusion of Ally and everyone else. I shoved the package at her, making her stumble back a bit.

"Calm down a bit Y/n/n. What is it?"

"The ring. Can you open it? I'm kinda scared."

Ali carefully opened the package then the box. I was way more nervous than I expected to be. I had spent so long trying to find the perfect ring, I guess I was worried this wouldn't be it, that it wasn't anything close to what I was hoping for.

"This is beautiful Y/n. It's perfect."

I slowly took the box from Ali, freezing when I saw it. It was exactly what I had envisioned. Seeing the ring felt like a weight had been lifted. After spending so much time searching, I finally had the ring Ally deserved. Thoughts of her not liking it tried to creep in, but I managed to push them away. I knew Ally would like it. "It's exactly what I wanted. It came out way better than I expected."

"So are you just going to give it to her? Or do another proposal?"

"I'm not sure. I was kind of thinking about proposing again just for the fun of it. The original proposal wasn't that special."

"I think you'll find to Ally it was. Even if it wasn't extravagant, it was just the two of you. Personal and intimate." 

"Probably. Let's be honest, I just want to spoil her. Can you hold onto this for me? I'm terrified of losing it."

Ali wrapped her arm around me, trying not to laugh, "Of course I will. Let me know if you need help planning it. Let's get back before they start to question it."

Ally was going to say yes. Knowing that let the excitement bubble up instead of the nerves. I was incredibly excited to propose to her, the plan was already coming together in my mind. I didn't want to wait, all going well it was going to happen tonight. 

Once we got back, I beelined to Ally, "I have two questions. First, will you go on a date with me tonight? Second, do you want to go make out?"

"Yes and definitely yes."

---

Since we started dating, picnics were a big part of our relationship. We both had jobs that meant we dealt with a lot of people. Picnics were the way we escaped reality and people without being inside or around our flat mates at the time. I figured there was no better place to propose then on a picnic. 

Because our date was last minute and we had practice today, I hadn't had enough time to set up the picnic. Ali had agreed to set up the picnic while I took Ally bowling. She loved bowling and it gave time to set everything up. Ally had won by a lot which was not a surprise, I sucked at bowling. Of course she had gloated about it, but with the proud smile she wore, I couldn't even be annoyed. 

Before we left, I had texted Ali to make sure everything was set up so we didn't get there too early. I was driving when the reply came in. Ally went to check like normal, but I quickly stopped her, much to her confusion. 

"You can't check that one, it'll ruin the surprise." I pulled over checking the message, making sure to hide it from Ally. Thankfully she didn't question it. 

Ali: Food took longer then planned, just picked it up, need 10 minutes to finish everything. Also found the perfect place to film it.

Ally was wearing a grey sweater, white blouse underneath with the collar showing and black jeans. I don't know what it was, but I found her incredibly attractive when she wore stuff like that. It was mostly for work which is why I got kicked out when she was working. I couldn't keep my hands to myself. "So we need to kill 10 minutes. You look incredibly beautiful so lets make out." 

"Yeah okay."

Ali had set up a blanket on the beach with candles, rose petals and a small speaker for music. Instead of doing the classic picnic foods, I got Ali to pick up some Thai food because it was Ally's favourite and another one of our traditions. 

I watched Ally's eyes light up as we approached the picnic, "Baby, this is beautiful. How did you set this up?"

"I may have gotten Ali to help set it up. You like it?"

"You don't even have to ask, I love everything you do. This is perfect baby. Is that Thai? I'm starving."

I had planned to do the proposal first for 3 reasons. I was terrified of losing the ring, it was likely I would get more nervous as time went on and Ali was waiting to film it. "It is, you need to wait a minute before we eat."

I found the ring before taking Ally's hand, "Growing up I never thought I would find someone who loved me so unconditionally, who loved me as I was. Who would stick by me and support me through everything. But I did. I found you and I never want to lose you. I want you, no I need you by my side for the rest of my life. I love you Ally, more than you will ever know. I know you've already said yes, but I wanted to do this properly." I sunk down on one knee, opening the box, "Will you marry me Ally?"

"Yes, a million times yes." I easily slipped the ring onto her finger watching her eyes widen as she looked at the ring closer. "Holy shit Y/n, this is amazing. Where did you find it?"

"I designed it. It's based on the snowboarding trip."

"Just when I thought I couldn't love you more, you prove me wrong. You are amazing baby. Words can't describe how much I love this. I want this to be my wedding ring as well. It's too perfect to just be an engagement ring. Is that allowed?"

"We can do whatever we want. Ali filmed that by the way, I wanted it for our memories." 

---

Ally and I were looking at wedding ideas together for the first time. At first I was slightly worried that we weren't going to be on the same page, that it might cause fights. I had seen it happen to couples before. I quickly realised that it was a pointless worry, we were on the same page about everything so far. We wanted simple, non-traditional. 

We had started looking at things we would need for the wedding, such as the venue and catering. Everything we had looked at so far was expensive, which I guess wasn't that much of a surprise, everyone always says weddings are expensive. 

I sighed, pushing the laptop away and turning to Ally, "Why are weddings so expensive? Like I know we can afford it, but it just seems like a waste."

"I know, it's just one day, we could use that money towards our honeymoon or a house."

I straddled Ally, hiding my face against her shoulder. As much as I loved planning things, without my meds, even that was slightly overwhelming after a bit of time. There were so many options and things to consider, "We could do a backyard wedding. Ali and Ash might let us use their place if we asked nice enough."

"Of course we would." I jumped, turning around to find them both standing there. 

"I swear the word wedding is like a magnet for all of you. Every time it's mentioned, someone shows up."

"Well you guys keep talking about it in places where there's a high likely hood of someone being around. Anyway, we would love to have your wedding at our place if that's what you wanted."

Reluctantly, I climbed off Ally, moving to stand by Ali and Ash, "You would really do that for us?"

Ali smiled softly, pulling me in for a hug, "Of course we will kiddo. You're family. You're family too Ally."

I noticed Ally trying to hide her smile. No matter how much they showed they loved her or treated her like part of the team, I still got the same warm, almost ecstatic feeling. To me the team was family. The fact that they saw Ally as family was really important to me. "We're not planning anything over the top or even overly traditional, just simple with friends and family."

"Are your parents going to be there?" Ashlyn tried to hide the annoyance in her voice when mentioning my parents, but it didn't work. I wasn't surprised by it, when they found out what it was like for me growing up, they were pissed. 

I had opened up to them about a lot of things, especially Ali, but besides vague information about how they treated me, my parents never really came up. "No, I um cut them off about 3 years ago. They were just destroying my mental health. Ally's parents will be there though, they pretty much took me in."

"They like you more than me sometimes."

"Well we can't wait to meet them."

[wastelandmoony]

Déjà Vécu

Chapter Thirty-One : End of Beginning

Summary: Last school chapter =) Enjoy any happiness while you can.

Characters: Remus Lupin/Reader, Sirius Black/Reader (no use of y/n), James Potter, Petter Pettigrew, Regulus Black, Marlene McKinnon, Mary MacDonald, Lily Evans

Warnings: 18+ Only, Minors DNI

A/N: Having a rough time mentally, so I'm not going to beat myself up about my less-than-thrilled feelings about this chapter. I've begun writing post-war chapters, and I'm excited to be transitioning out of Hogwarts. Also, if you've messaged me recently about being on a taglist, I answered everyone privately and have realized I can't go back and get your handles. So please message me again and I'll add it =)

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September 1st, 1977

“My little witch is all grown up!” Tears streamed down her mother’s face as they entered Platform 9 3/4. The entire drive to King’s Cross, the crushing reality of this final train ride to Hogwarts began to sink in.

This was it. The chapter was coming to a close. 

She hugged her parents tightly, which she tried to do as much as possible nowadays. The news was getting bleaker and bleaker, the Daily Prophet trying to sweep as much of it under the rug as they could. Those that dared print any iota of the truth usually ended up disappearing, the whisperings of such occurrences becoming more frequent. Luckily, James’ parents had begun to include him in more of their discussions, leading to the rest of them hearing the truth in great detail. He’d written her in mid-august, after Sirius had arrived back at Potter manor, to give an update on the efforts being port forth by people like his parents. He also implored her to find out who Sirius’ suspected new girlfriend was, disclosing that their friend had been acting “slightly less insane and kept sneaking off to send owls”. She didn’t respond, just laughed and mentioned it to Sirius in her next letter. They’d agreed to not address their relationship with the others just yet, waiting to put it off until the school year and live for a few more weeks amongst their own little secret. There were no titles spoken of, no boyfriend or girlfriend, partner or lover; they were just…together. Sirius was hers, and she was his; and that was enough for them both.

James appeared on the train platform first, unruly hair catching her eye before his enthusiastic wave. Following quickly behind was Peter, who looked distant and preoccupied, and finally Sirius, who smiled broadly when he caught sight of who James was staring at. Racing towards them, she launched into Sirius’ arms as he tossed his bags to the ground. Cradling her face, he kissed her earnestly. From beside them, Peter openly groaned.

“It’s about bloody time!” James sighed loudly, the smile evident in his voice. Sirius gave his best friend a rude gesture, never breaking the kiss in the process.

“Oh no, are we going to have to deal with this for the foreseeable future?” Remus had walked up behind them, the sound of his voice had her pulling away with a slight grin.

“Hi Moony, sorry I didn’t write much,” she hugged him in greeting.

He squeezed her, “It’s alright, you were obviously occupied.” 

She pinched him, leading to a sly smirk from Remus. He kissed the top of her head, “I’m happy for you, love,” he whispered into her ear.

Sirius threw a leather-clad arm around her shoulders, motioning towards the train, “Alright then, Head Boy, lead the way.”

She followed his gaze to James, “What?! Jamie!”

He blushed at the attention, “Oh, uh, yeah…Lily’s made Head Girl too actually.”

“That’s an extremely unsurprising, yet serendipitous decision,” she laughed, “Congratulations, you deserve it.”

“Yeah, he’s a proper arsehole now—ow!” Sirius cradled his side where she’d elbowed him.

James smiled fondly at her, picking up his trunk and leading them all onto the Hogwarts Express one last time. 

———

November 5th, 1977

She’d never been this drunk at a party before. The entire Gryffindor Common Room was a blur of scarlet and and gold, bodies packed tight while the Clash played loudly through the speakers. Sirius had wanted an all out banger for his final birthday at Hogwarts, inviting essentially any warm body (and a few ghosts) to the tower for a night “full of debauchery” as he had put it to anyone that would listen. Earlier in the afternoon she had given him his present, a new album from the Sex Pistols. Sirius had hearts in his eyes listening to the opening song, only pulling himself away to lock the dormitory door and kiss his way across her body. They had spent the rest of the afternoon tangled in each other, with only the sound of Pretty Vacant on repeat to muffle their unholy noises from the rest of the residents of the tower. 

At midnight, Lily brought out the birthday cake with the help of James, the two of them getting the entire tower to sing along while Sirius sat against the arm of the couch beaming. He reached out and pulled her onto his lap, holding tight as he waited to blow out his candles. After making a little show of pretending to “think” about his wish, he finally extinguished them, planting a gentle kiss to her shoulder in the process. 

“What’d you wish for?” She asked, turning around to face him once everyone had gone back to dancing, or drinking, or doing…whatever it was they were doing. 

Sirius nuzzled against her neck, “You know precisely what I wished for, love.”

She hummed, skimming a hand down his spine, “…only if you’re a good boy tonight.”

He looked up at her with heavy lids, from the firewhisky or lust or both, she wasn’t quite sure. Distracted by his gaze, she let out a surprised gasp as his hand snaked its way around to grab her backside obscenely. 

“Bad dog…” she purred, kissing him once as he tried to wander his hands further. “I’m going to go get some air, it’s too hot in here.” One last soft kiss, and she wiggled out of his grasp just as James and Remus came over to ask him to settle an apparently desperate argument having to do with quidditch. 

The corridor outside of the common room was chilly in the most delicious way, and she practically moaned with relief as the portrait swung shut. She inhaled deeply and sighed. The floor felt like it was spinning a little bit. She should probably sit down or something. 

She opened her eyes and saw a friendly face leaning against the window, a bottle of firewhisky in his hand. 

“Hey Pete,” she smiled, joining him against the wall. He didn’t return the warm welcome, just hummed in acknowledgement. “You alright?” She dragged her eyes over his face, something was up, he never acted so cold with her. A look down at the bottle pointed to him being completely off his face.

Peter shifted on his feet, “I’m fine. Just…relaxing.”

“I was wondering where you’d gone off to, I didn’t see you when we sang to Sirius,” even in her drunken state she sensed his tense energy and tried to keep the conversation light. 

“Oh yeah?” He said almost sarcastically, “I didn’t think anyone had noticed.”

She shook her head slightly and let out a laugh, “What’re you talking about, Pete? Of course I’d notice if you—“

“How long have I been gone then?” He asked a little too aggressively for her liking.

“I…I don’t know Peter, I’ve been drinking and—“

“Yeah, I know. I also know that your favorite drink is firewhisky mixed with cider, you’ve had four of them already tonight. You only dance to Abba, but you’ll always keep time with your foot to every song you hear. You absolutely loathe potions, but you always light up whenever you figure out the best way to combine ingredients. Your favorite color is orange, but not like pumpkin orange; bold and dramatic like a sunset. You always scrunch your nose before a bludger hit. Your deepest fear is failure, and you still hate the fact that you were put in Hufflepuff even though you pretend you don’t.”

She stared at her friend, completely at a loss for any words as he continued on his tirade. 

“I know that you talk to Remus somehow through that book you always carry.”

“How do you—“ her heart beat faster, the only other person to know about that was Sirius.

“I also know you’ve been sneaking into our dormitory for over a year to sleep in Sirius’ bed.” His tone bordered on accusatory. She continued to stare, dumbfounded by all of it. 

“Don’t tell me that you notice me,” Pete held her gaze steady for someone that had a half-empty bottle of whisky in his hand, “Because I would know a thing or two about noticing people.”

“You’re wrong,” she whispered, voice cracking slightly. The corridor had stopped tilting, but the air was heavy with discomfort as she gathered her bearings.

Peter took a step closer towards her, “I’m sorry?” 

She cleared her throat, “I said you’re wrong. My biggest fear isn’t failure.”

Peter’s laugh was on the verge of bitterness, “Yeah? What is it then, Sirius breaking up with you when he finally gets bored?”

Oh.

Ouch. Is this what it felt like to be stabbed? She was pretty sure he had just jammed a serrated knife into her abdomen. 

“No, Peter,” she spat, curling her fists to avoid him seeing her shaking hands, “My biggest fear is losing the people I love, which includes you, believe it or not.”

Before she could move, Peter grabbed her face and kissed her. She froze for a moment, too drunk to fully comprehend what in the actual fuck was going on. Carefully, she grabbed both of his hands and pushed him back gently. “Peter—“

“What the fuck are you playing at, Pete?”

Sirius was standing in the open portrait entrance, eyes narrowed on his friend, full of rage and betrayal. 

“Sirius it’s fine, just a misunderstanding—“ she started, as he ignored her to push Peter against the wall.

“Stop!” She stood between them, taking Sirius’ face between her palms. “Look at me, Siri.”

Reluctantly, his blue eyes slid to her, “We’re all shit-faced. Let’s go upstairs and go to bed. Everything’s fine.”

“I don’t want him to touch you. I don’t want anyone to touch you,” she could hear the anger in his voice, the same kind she had heard last year in the forest. The same sadness and fear was present too, just beneath the surface. Unsure of what to say, she kissed him. 

“I don’t want anyone else to touch me, Sirius,” she said against his lips, “I love you.”

He stopped and stared at her through heavy lids, mouth still centimeters from hers.

“Say that again.”

“I love you?”

He kissed her softly, “again.”

“I love you.”

He picked her up and she began to laugh, carrying her back toward the common room.

“I’m going to make you scream it so loud the entire tower hears,” he growled into her ear.

As the portrait swung shut, she noticed that Peter had disappeared, and the corridor was empty, save for a half empty whisky bottle. 

———

December 23, 1977

As a collective, they had decided to remain at Hogwarts for the winter holidays, to be together one last time in the place they all called home. All of them, except for Peter. 

She had tried to convince him to stay, even going as far as to bribe him with promises to complete the rest of his essays for the year. He had declined every offer. His reasoning allegedly that his parents were going through a tough time, and they wanted to be together for the holidays. She couldn’t argue with that, not when she’d do the same for her family. The feeling was bittersweet as she hugged her friend goodbye on the last day of term, the promises of fun and mischief on the horizon for the next week shadowed by the fractured dynamic now that they’d be missing one piece of the puzzle. They hadn’t spoken about the night of Sirius’ birthday party, the three of them choosing instead to chalk it up to drunken stupidity and sweep it under the rug. But she hadn’t forgotten the way he had spoken to her, how his eyes held such despair and pain. None of it was normal, not for Pete, who was usually quiet and sweet and always made her smile no matter what. Something was going on, she just needed to do some digging. 

Pete squeezed her hand once before leaving for the carriage ride over to Hogsmeade station, offering a small reassuring smile before disappearing from the Great Hall that morning. Sirius pulled her onto his lap at the breakfast table, her eyes still focused on Peter exiting the main doors, “Stop worrying,” he murmured into a kiss on her temple. 

“I’m not,” she lied.

He gently grabbed her chin to turn towards him, “You’re getting that little crease between your eyebrows, don’t lie to me, Yellowjacket.” She shot him an annoyed glare, trying to not break into a smile. 

“So what’s the plan?” Mary leaned forward to look expectantly at the rest of them down the table. 

James beamed, “Whatever we want, the castle is ours.”

———

Apparently “whatever we want” meant different things to each person involved. 

James and Lily snuck away to ‘explore the grounds’ (which they all knew was code for feeling each other up in the Prefects bathroom); Mary had turned the Common Room into her own personal nightclub, blasting music and dancing around atop the furniture while Marlene and Dorcas played games on the rug by the fire; Remus and her had decided to spend a relaxing afternoon in the library reading, much to Sirius’ annoyance. He had wanted to start a pick-up game of quidditch now that the pitch would be guaranteed empty, but ended up grabbing his broom and heading out solo. 

Madam Pince scowled when Remus and her entered the deserted library, angry that her solitary literary oasis was now tainted by their smiling faces. Making a beeline for their preferred table in the corner of the second floor, she pulled out a few books and settled in across from Remus for a marathon reading session with her best friend, even sneaking in snacks from the kitchens so they wouldn’t have to leave for sustenance.

Hours passed, and she had become so engrossed in the book that she didn’t hear someone creeping up behind her.

“Christ—“ she jumped as Sirius pressed a kiss to her temple. Remus let out a low chuckle from across the table, having clearly seen his friend sneak up and chose to not warn her ahead of time. 

She shook her head, “You both are pricks…”

“You love us though,” Sirius wrapped both arms around her shoulders and leaned closer to her ear, “Come with me, I have something to show you.”

Shutting the book and setting it on the table, she got up and followed him through the tall shelves towards the back of the library. The sections they began to pass became dustier and older, the light even beginning to fade the further they traveled. 

“Siri, where are we going?” She whispered. He reached back and grabbed her hand, tugging her behind one of the shelves, kissing her deeply. 

“Pince is going to catch us,” she said in between breaths, hands tangling in his dark hair.

Sirius smiled against her lips, “That’s half the fun.”

She was eternally grateful at the decision to wear a skirt that day, even more so that Sirius had the wherewithal to preemptively place a hand over her mouth before bending her over an ancient wooden desk. By the time they made their way back to where Remus was still sitting, the sun had set and she could already feel bruises forming on her hips. 

———

The rest of the break was precisely what she wanted: a whole bunch of doing nothing. Just waking up and leisurely spending time with her best friends. Late one night close to the start of term, they were all strewn about the Gryffindor Common Room; some of them asleep in armchairs or on the floor, the rest just lounging and listening to music comfortably. She laid against Sirius sprawled on the couch, back pressed tightly to his chest as he ran a hand up and down her arm. 

“What happens when it’s over?” She spoke softly, Sirius’ hand stilling against her skin.

“When what’s over, love?” The rumble of his voice vibrated against her bones.

“This…Hogwarts. What happens when we’re not together anymore?”

James smiled sadly at her from the armchair across the room, Lily tucked into his side as she slept. “We were uh…actually talking about getting a place together after school,” he looked down at the sleeping redhead lovingly.

“Jamie, that’s amazing,” she grinned at him from across the room. Though she was happy for her friends, a large part of her wanted nothing more than to stay this way forever, never going off and living separately and only seeing each other sporadically; as selfish and unpractical as that sounded. 

“What about us?” Sirius muttered into her ear, resuming the comforting brush of his knuckles. She hummed up at him in question.

“We can get an apartment, maybe in London?” His blue eyes sparkled in the light of the fire. She sat up and looked at him properly, “Really? You’d want that?” Sirius nodded firmly.

“What if we went in on it together?” Her eyes tracked to Remus, sitting on the rug by the fireplace. 

He gave her a sidelong glance, “I’m not going to be the third-wheel in that house, not with you two shaggin’ on every surface.” 

She held out a hand towards him, wiggling her fingers dramatically, “Oh come on, Moony! You know I can’t live without you!”

Sirius chimed in beside her, “Yeah Moons, I promise we’ll only have sex in the kitchen once a month.” She elbowed him in the ribs. 

“We can ask Pete too! It’ll be great, and James and Lily can come over for Sunday dinners,” she stared at her best friend hopefully, watching as his glare slowly melted into a reluctant smile. 

“Fine, but only because I can’t live without you either…and I get first call on a bedroom.”

“Deal,” she smiled broadly, falling back against Sirius’ chest again, “We can start looking the week we get home from final term.”

———

January 28th, 1978

“The Order of the Phoenix,” James said proudly, standing in the center of the boys dormitory. The rest of them were lounging around the room on various beds, having chosen to use their room for this particular meeting that James had frantically called. 

“James, I’m sorry, but what are you talking about?” She was trying to focus, but Remus was currently across the room sending her crude doodles in their shared sketchbook, trying to make her laugh. Sirius leaned over her shoulder to see, swiftly snatching the book and scrawling something particularly heinous (due to Remus’ immediate grimace upon receiving it).

“It’s a secret society that my parents are a part of, The Order of the Phoenix, Dumbledore started it a few years ago. There’s a bunch of members throughout Great Britain, and some abroad as well I think,” James’ eyes were glittering with excitement.

“A secret society? That’s like something from James Bond,” Mary raised her eyebrows from her spot on Peter’s bed. James gave her a puzzled look.

“Who’s James Bond?” Sirius cautiously muttered, afraid to ridiculed by the multiple muggleborns in the room. 

She turned around to pat his cheek patronizingly, “It doesn’t matter darling.” He scowled at her sarcasm while Remus chuckled from his own bed.

“Anyway,” James continued, “they’re actively fighting against Voldemort and his supporters, doing reconnaissance and other shit to try and find out their next move, and stop them every chance they get.”

From behind her, Sirius sat up straighter, clearly intrigued at the notion of being on the front lines. “Don’t even think about it,” she whispered back at him.

He huffed an incredulously breath, “I’m going to join, you can’t possibly stop me.” 

“I’d prefer to not have you in danger—“

“—there are people dying!”

“Don’t you think I understand that?” Her voice had raised too loud, the rest of the room falling silent as she stared at Sirius, “I can’t risk losing you, any of you…” she looked around the room at her friends. Lily met her eyes, the normal shade of emerald green dark and sad. 

James spoke up first, “I uh…I’m already involved…”

Her heart stopped beating. “Jamie—“

“It’s not official or anything, I still have to swear an oath or whatever and my parents won’t let me do that until after we’re done school. But I’m allowed to be at the meetings, and my parents tell me more information…”

She shook her head in disbelief, “Why didn’t you tell us?” James rubbed the back of his neck uncomfortably, at the same time she felt Sirius shift on the bed behind her. It was Remus’ nervous throat clearing that tipped her off to the betrayal though.

“You all knew…didn’t you? The four of you?” Her eyes shot between Peter, James, Sirius, and Remus. None of which dared look back. “You all planned on joining…” 

Sirius made the mistake of reaching for her arm, “Love—“

“Don’t fucking touch me,” she got up off the bed and stormed out of the room, slamming the door. She was halfway down the main corridor by the time Sirius caught up, grabbing her arm in protest.

“Leave me alone,” trying to wrench out of his grasp was futile, he was much stronger than her. He pulled her towards him, gripping her arms tightly as she looked everywhere except for his face. 

“Please…” she mumbled. 

“Look at me,” he tone was stern, eliciting an immediate reaction from her. When she met his eyes, they didn’t match his voice, instead they were soft and patient. “Talk to me, love. Why are you so upset?”

“You hid this from me! You all did!” She felt insane. From the betrayal by her friends, to the outburst she had in the bedroom, she felt like she was losing her mind a little bit. It’d been years since she’d felt insecure in her friendship with the boys, about feeling any bit left out or that she wasn’t wanted.

Sirius didn’t buy her excuse, “What’s the real problem, though?”

They stared at each other for a beat, his eyes searching hers for the truth. After a deep breath, she let her shoulders drop, “I’m afraid…”

“Of what, love?”

“…of losing any of you. This makes it more real.”

Sirius clicked his tongue, pulling her into a tight hug, “Nothing’s going to happen, we haven’t even officially joined yet. Even so, just because we’re part of the Order, doesn’t mean we’ll do any actual fighting.” She scoffed, “Sirius, I know you, and you would jump at the chance to be on the most dangerous missions.” His laugh was anything but reassuring. 

They stood in the quiet corridor for a few minutes, locked in an embrace that she couldn’t bring herself to break. “Why didn’t you include me?” she whispered into his chest.

Sirius kissed the top of her head, “I figured you’d try and stop us. Better to ask for forgiveness than permission y’know.”

“I want to join, something all of you should’ve guessed.”

Sirius smirked, “If it’s any consolation, Moony did say you might want to be involved.”

“That’s because Remus knows me better than anyone else.”

He pulled back, feigning offense, “That’s a bloody lie and you know it!”

She raised an eyebrow in challenge, “Just because you’ve seen me at my most vulnerable, doesn't mean you know me entirely.” Sirius lifted her hand and kissed it, lacing their fingers together to walk back toward the dorm and their awaiting friends.

“Guess I’ll have to try harder, bee."

———

May 6th, 1978 

The Order of the Phoenix wouldn’t pay the bills, a notion that didn’t seem to matter to people like James and Sirius who were worth more than any of them in galleons. But to the rest of them, finding a career after Hogwarts was at the forefront of their minds…at least for her it was. She’d known since her second year what she wanted to do, and she was determined to get a foot in the door. Applying to jobs at the Ministry of Magic required many steps, the first and foremost being receiving the proper O.W.L.’s and N.E.W.T.’s. She’d received Outstanding’s in Transfiguration, History of Magic, Defense Against the Dark Arts, Muggle Studies, Ancient Runes, and most importantly, Care of Magical Creatures. N.E.W.T.’s were being held at the end of the month, and she was practically tearing her hair out about it.

By day, she’d be in the library with Lily and Remus, the only other two that understood her determination. After revising for almost each waking hour, by night she would crawl silently beside Sirius in bed, where he’d coax her slowly (and thoroughly) into relaxation. 

“You don’t have to stress so much, I have more than enough inheritance to support us both,” He said one night, propping his head up on a fist to look at her. 

“It’s not about the money, Siri,” she ran a hand over his bare chest, marveling at the smoothness of his skin, “I want to help people. I’ve wanted to get into Werewolf Support Services for years, I’m not about to stop now when I’m so close.”

He leaned down to kiss her softly, “I love you, you’re the most incredible woman I know.” 

She hummed contently into his lips, pulling him closer.

“I’ll be here with you no matter what, love,” he whispered, hand snaking between their bodies. She sighed at his touch, “Promise me.”

His fingers grazed her core, “Promise what?”

Holding her breath, she squirmed as he teased. “Tell me.”

She squeezed his bicep, pleading with him to give her what she wanted, “Promise you’ll always be here.” 

He kissed her softly, touch finally landing where she needed him most, “I’m never going anywhere, love.” 

———

June 10th, 1978

N.E.W.T.s were the following week, and at that point she wasn’t sure she’d eaten a proper meal, or even brushed her hair in days. Every waking moment was either spent revising, or working on her application for the Being Division of the Department for the Regulation and Control of Magical Creatures. Remus (along with Professor Kettleburn and Madam Pomfrey) had written a letter of support to add to it, going to great lengths to convey her dedication to the advancement and care of those afflicted with Lycanthropy. She’d cried for a continuous hour after reading it. 

The Friday before exam week, the entire group sat around the breakfast table, some chatting away about their excitement for the end of school, others (mainly herself, Remus, and Lily) were utterly silent. Unlike her other two exam-weary friends, she sat and picked at breakfast, not even bringing a crumb to her mouth. 

“You need to eat,” Remus whispered into her ear, a piece of bacon in hand, “It’ll do you no good if you’re starving during exams.”

“I’m fine,” she grumbled, pushing the plate towards the center of the table, nauseous and irritable.

“Suit yourself,” Remus sighed, turning his attention to the person sitting on her other side, “Pads?”

Sirius looked over at his friend, then down at her picked-over plate. “Love…” 

She gave Remus a glare, “You’re such a rat!“

“Oi, speaking of—“ he interjected as Peter rushed towards them, pink cheeked and out of breath.

“What’s up, Wormy?” James raised an eyebrow at him, “You look out of sorts.”

Pete slumped down beside him, exhaling loudly, “Filch took it!”

“Took what, mate?” Remus took another bite of bacon, watching his friend catch his breath. Peter cautiously looked down the table. “The map…” he whispered.

“Are you fuckin’ joking Wormtail?!” Sirius said loudly, causing Mary and Marlene to look up from a few seats away. She placed a hand on his arm in an effort to calm him down.

Peter threw up his hands, “I didn’t mean to!”

“What the fuck happened then?” Sirius gritted his teeth. Remus was tense beside her as well, having the ability to restrain his anger much better than most. 

Peter took a deep breath, “I was using the map to check one of the passageways, and I guess I wasn’t paying attention, and the next thing I knew Filch had appeared and almost caught me trying to go behind the mirror on the fourth floor—“

“Why were you going through that passageway? Where were you headed?” She stared at her friend quizzically. That particular passage led to Hogsmeade, the secret tunnel being the largest of any they had found during their time at Hogwarts, big enough that it could hold a group of people. They never used it, finding it too conspicuous to be useful, utilizing the One-Eyed Witch tunnel to sneak into Honeyduke’s instead. 

Peter didn’t meet her eyes when he opened his mouth to speak, Sirius instead cutting him off. “Who gives a shit what he was doing, that map was our legacy! And now what? Filch is going to get his grubby little hands on it and who knows what that weirdo is going to do with it!”

She looked at him sidelong, telling by his expression that he was being completely serious.

“I cleared it before he could take it,” Peter muttered, eyes still fixed on his lap, “He won’t be able to use it, unless he figures out the password.”

“Well thank fuck for that, Pete,” Sirius sneered, “I’m glad you decided to use your brain for once.” 

Her head snapped to him, “What’s your problem? It was an accident.”

Sirius shook his head, “He always does this, he doesn’t think, and now look what’s happened.”

“It’s not that big of a deal, Pads,” James chastised, clapping a dejected Peter on the shoulder, “Now, I’m going to go let off steam on the pitch, I think a few of you could gain something by joining me.” He gave Sirius a pointed look, who in turn wrapped an arm around her waist.

“Come flying with me,” he nudged her gently, “it’ll make you feel better.”

She shook her head, annoyed at his outburst with Peter. “I’m going to keep revising, I’ll catch up with you later.”

James stood up, followed by Sirius. “C’mon Pete,” the former pulled their friend up by his arm, “You could use the fresh air too.” 

She didn’t miss the eye roll Sirius gave as he bent down to kiss the top of her head. “Moony,” he called to Remus beside her, “makes sure she eats, please.” She didn’t respond or look up at him. “I love you,” he whispered before planting one last kiss to her temple and following the other two out the main doors. Her and Remus sat in comfortable silence for a bit, him continuing to eat while she ruminated on a multitude of thoughts that swirled around her head like a cyclone. 

“Talk to me,” Remus muttered, never looking up from his plate, his tone giving no room for nonsense. After all these years, he was still the only one to clock her feelings before anyone else. 

She sighed, “Peter’s been acting weird.”

Remus cocked an eyebrow at her, “We’re not talking about Sirius?”

“He’s my problem to deal with, I’m more concerned about the other one at the moment. Have you noticed anything?”

Remus thought on it for a moment, crunching another piece of bacon and then passing one to her, “I’ll only tell if you eat something.”

“Fucks sake,” she said under her breath, biting the piece of meat dramatically just for him. 

Remus smiled a little as she chewed, “Pete’s been…different since his dad lost his job.” 

“He didn’t say anything to me about that, when did it happen?”

Remus squinted in recollection, “Uh…summer of last year I think? He told us when we got back in September one night. His mum’s been under a lot of stress at work and now with this…Pete’s been trying to help however he can, that’s why he didn’t stay here with us for Christmas.”

She nodded, “Yeah I knew he wanted to spend time with his family, he just never specified.” 

Remus hummed, “He hasn’t talked much about it to us either. He’s just been really irritable and has a hairpin trigger nowadays. You can imagine what it’s like sharing a room with him and Sirius…” 

“Poor Pete,” she stared down at the plate of untouched food, “You’re not upset about the map, are you?”

Remus shook his head, “Nah, it was fun while it lasted. Won’t have much use for it after next month anyway. Better to have it here where maybe it’ll fall into the hands of some young troublemakers.”

“I hope whoever finds it makes Filch’s job a hell of a lot harder.”

Remus smiled, “Cheers to that.”

———

June 20th, 1978

It had to be some sort of joke. The parchment in her shaky hands fluttered slightly as she read and re-read each word over and and over, brain trying desperately to grasp the words. She inspected the handwriting, looked for any distinguishing marks or something that would give away the letter as being a prank from someone. She doubted anyone she knew would be cruel enough to joke like this. 

We’re pleased to offer you a position as Undersecretary to the Department for the Regulation and Control of Magical Creatures: Being Division, supporting the efforts of the Werewolf Support Services branch.

The sentence was practically burned into her retinas with the amount of times she’d read it. As the realization finally sunk in that this was in fact real life, she huffed out a disbelieving laugh to herself, spinning around in her dormitory trying to figure out her next move. There was only one person she wanted to talk to; one person that knew how badly she had wanted this.

———

Remus was lounging against his headboard reading a muggle novel when she burst through the door, eyes wide and breathing heavily from sprinting up the stairs. Every muscle in his body tensed as he sat up.

“What is it? What’s wrong?” He tried to keep his voice from giving away the panic flooding his veins. Every day the news was worse and worse, attacks getting closer and closer to home and people with more recognizable names dying on the regular. The anxiety was always there, lying in wait for the bomb to drop. Her eyes scanned his face for a moment, expression blank and neutral as she held up a letter.

“Love, what’s happened?” Remus stood up slowly, taking the piece of parchment from her, eyes flying over the words as his heart hammered away in his chest. He prayed it wasn’t her family, held his breath that the war hadn’t finally struck home.

“I…I got in…” she whispered.

Remus looked up from the paper, seeing the smile beginning to take shape on her face. All fear evaporated from his body as she beamed, eyes brimming with tears.

“I’ve officially been hired by Werewolf Support Services. I actually did it, Remus,” her voice broke as he reached for her, lifting her into a full-body hug. “I’m so proud of you,” he said into her hair, spinning around in the center of the room. 

She clung to him, inhaling the familiar scent of her best friend. “I’m finally going to make a difference. I’m going to fix it, Moony.” 

Remus buried his face in her neck, the love he had for her overflowing, “You’re going to do great. If anyone can do it, it’ll be you.” She squeezed him tighter, opening her mouth to say something as the dormitory door was kicked open.

“Oi! Hands off my girl.” Sirius leaned against the door frame, voice dripping with sarcasm, “Moony, we’ve talked about this. If you want a three-way, you just have to ask.”

Her and Remus groaned, pulling away from each other to give Sirius matching death glares. “Don’t be crass,” she pointed at him, “I have zero interest in having sex with any of my friends, thank you very much.”

Sirius cocked an eyebrow, “What happened between us then?”

She rolled her eyes, trying to hide a smile, “Oh get fucked, Black.”

“I’m trying to!” He threw his arms out. She ignored the comment entirely, holding out the letter for him instead.

“What’s this?” He took the parchment and skimmed the paragraph quickly. When he’d finished, his blue eyes shot to her in excitement.

“You got in,” he said.

“I got in,” she nodded with barely contained joy. Sirius grabbed her face, giggles erupting from her between kisses. 

“I’m…so…proud…of…you!” punctuated each press of his lips to hers. His hands began to wander to her shoulders, then down and around her waist; the kisses that started out quick now becoming more heated.

“Moony,” Sirius purred as he placed a kiss against her jaw, “I need you to leave now.”

Remus sighed as he grabbed his forgotten book from atop the bed, “I’ll be in the library, please try not to break any of the furniture in here. I’ll see you both at dinner.” Sirius backed her onto the bed as the door shut.

“Mmmmm…I doubt it,” he purred as he knelt between her legs.

———

June 24, 1978

Sirius stroked a thumb down her ankle as she placed a kiss to his temple. Carried atop his back, she laughed as they made their way down towards Hogsmeade Station as a group, choosing to walk instead of using the carriages in the hopes of wringing out every last drop of time together. Behind them, Remus talked animatedly with Lily about a book they were both currently engrossed in, James’ arm casually slung over her shoulder as he pretended to listen intently. Ahead, Marlene, Mary, and Dorcas skipped about, the latter two loudly singing an Olivia Newton-John song they’d heard on the muggle radio. Peter walked beside her and Sirius, the two boys in deep conversation about the state of Puddlemere United, and whether or not they’d win a championship this year. 

From the higher vantage point, she looked around; taking in the sight of her friends, listening to their voices, breathing in the warm Scottish air for the last time. James caught her gaze and smiled, and she knew he was soaking it all in too. 

When they arrived at the station, Sirius set her down gently, kissing her once before boarding the train with James to find them a compartment. The rest of them filed in as younger students ran past, laughing and shouting about their summer plans. She paused at the railing of the platform, staring off across the Black Lake to the castle casting shadows over the dense forest beyond. 

“It’s weird to know we won’t be coming back,” Remus leaned beside her, sweeping his eyes over the landscape, “doesn’t feel real.”

She hummed, “I can’t believe we’ll all never eat breakfast again as a dysfunctional, obnoxious family.”

Remus chuckled, “Or worry about getting caught out of bed after curfew.”

“Or try to wrangle the drunk dynamic duo after a quidditch win.” Memories surfaced of having to coax James and Sirius (both incredibly wasted) down from the rafters of Gryffindor Tower after a particularly raucous victory party last year.

“Oh that’s probably…definitely still going to happen,” Remus smiled. 

She sighed, the sound filled with sadness but also excitement for the future, “I’m glad I got to spend these years with you, Remus. I’m glad we all found each other.”

He threw an arm around her shoulders as they stared at Hogwarts one final time, “I’m excited to spend the rest of my years with you degenerates as well.”

[taggedmemes]

SENTENCE MEME BALDUR'S GATE 3 / PART THREE

i heard what happened.

thank you for protecting the child.

we can risk violence here or face it for certain on the road.

a low thought, but i'd be lying if i said i hadn't considered it.

i'm not some murderer for hire.

to get these people to safety, there's nothing i won't do.

if your people survived that, they'll survive anything.

it's unusual for them to organize so cleverly.

you're equal to the task.

try not to keel over with the first blade drawn.

might not look it, but we're tough.

there's optimism and then there's stupid.

how are you going to take my gold if you're dead?

just leave the gold on my corpse.

i wish we could at least give them a proper burial.

gold ain't any use if you're too cold to spend it.

you're giving up?

you should leave it, or destroy it.

at best it's worthless. at worst, who knows.

do not trifle with that moon witch or her trinkets.

only trouble will follow.

we've enough troubles and burdens as it is.

perhaps you can sell that for a couple of coins.

i should pluck your eyes out.

a cursed book? how obvious.

this quarrel sours our feast.

be you friend or food?

am i not astonishing?

i am by all accounts a student of higher commerce and extortion.

it's not what it looks like, i swear.

i wasn't going to hurt you.

i can't believe i didn't see it.

i'm not some monster.

why didn't you tell me?

i needed you to trust me.

you can trust me.

do you think you could trust me just a little further?

let's make ourselves comfortable, shall we?

i was just swept up in the moment.

i'm looking forward to seeing you fight.

you're invigorating, but i need something more filling.

this is a gift, you know. i won't forget it.

good morning. how do you feel?

i just feel a little woozy.

i thought you'd be more powerful.

someone, or something, wants me alive.

as for my other quirks — well, we can figure those out in time.

i'm just glad you're being sensible about these revelations.

i was worried people might turn up with torches and pitchforks.

that explains the pallor.

we're each monsters in the making.

i taste absolutely awful.

we need him, like it or not.

we're bound together, no matter what comes.

you say all the right words, but i'm not so sure you mean the right things.

i will respect the decision that was made.

we're all friends again.

there's a long day ahead of us.

what a manner of place is this?

is this a path to redemption or a road to damnation?

your journey is just beginning.

what would suit the occasion?

i am [name], very much at your service.

if you want to threaten me, don't disguise it.

you're paranoid, aren't you.

must be the surroundings.

rather bleak and lonesome, one feels so exposed.

this quaint little scene is decidedly too middle-of-nowhere for me.

enjoy your supper. after all, i might be your last.

are these theatrics leading somewhere?

are you not entertained?

far be it from me to disappoint.

how dear is one's soul?

you're made if you think i'll make a deal with a devil.

what is madness but a denial of reality?

exhaust every possibility until none are left.

when hope has been whittled down to the very marrow of despair, that's when you'll come knocking on my door.

i'll have the last laugh in the end.

one might say you're a paragon of luck.

i've something important to discuss with you.

we've been travelling together for a while now and it's just about time that i shared something with you.

are you telling me you're addicted to magic?

i would not burden anyone other than myself with this were the stakes not so high.

if not out of the simple goodness of your heart, then perhaps your own self-interest might be sufficient motivation.

please, trust me.

your help could be the difference between life and death.

i'm afraid that's not going to work on me.

let us agree on actions first and explanations later.

i didn't come seeking battle.

you're different than the others, i can tell.

i'm afraid proper thanks must wait.

your boldness is a blessing.

it takes more than mere fire to break me.

i must ask again for your aid.

why entrust this to me?

i know him better than most.

i'm not interested in your lineage.

you shouldn't keep secrets like this from me.

he named me friend, and that meant the world.

they're a powerful friend with a keen interest in privacy.

i'm sworn to say no more.

i spent more time dueling than rubbing elbows with lords.

not to say i didn't develop a taste for good win and a talent for courtly dance.

it's been a badger's age since i've twinkled my toes.

a drunk ogre could put on a better show.

we can learn a lot from fairytales, don't you think?

he'll require of you only what you're least ready to part with, and then require more still.

the devil won't take just anything, he'll take everything.

that is a story reserved for lifetime friends and calmer days.

i question the wisdom in that decision but so be it.

there's no way you could have known.

i doubt a fight against them would go your way.

seems you have good survival instincts.

i go my own way — alone.

[mightymizora]

So @y-rhywbeth2 asked about Manva and views on motherhood after reading Blood and Bone, Bone and Blood

And I’m gonna use it as an opportunity to dive into a bit of Manva lore! Because reproductive stuff and parent stuff is really key to her.

It's going under the cut for length and for discussions of bodily trauma, bhaalist style incest and breeding nonsense, and some dub-to-non-con stuff.

Manva has a complicated relationship to the idea of motherhood (ha, what an opening sentence.) There's a great deal of thematic work around the idea of the mother in Blood and Bone, Bone and Blood and honestly there could have been a lot more in there that I ended up cutting. I'll come to that later, but let's start at the top.

Manva like most Dark Urge's that adhere to canon was not born but made, but unlike some in canon she also didn't have proper foster parents - she was left at the temple of Ilmater and due to the fact she didn't cry and had red hair (red being a sacred colour) and they had just taken in a woman who had lost her baby, they took her to be a gift to the temple. The woman nursed her, but then left again to rejoin her husband and left Manva behind. Manva grew up being told that she had been wetted with the tears of grief and swallowed the pain from her wet nurse. Everything in the temple of Ilmater conditioned her to understand taking on sacrifice, and she saw herself as absorbing the sadness of her wet nurse/mother figure so that she could leave and live her life again.

Then when she goes to the Bhaalist temple aged 13, after coming into her majority (getting her first blood which incidentally is when Sceleritas is born from her in a quasi birth from her period) she steps into a new world again, where she is told about her holy mission and purpose, and dedicates herself to it. But Bhaal does not rule with the carrot only. He is always keen to stir up competition in his ranks. "Grandfather" Sarevok tells Manva when she is still very young that should she fail, should she fall, he is tasked with filling her with the next generation of spawn, making her an endless vessel and it understandably fills her with fear, especially with the recent horror of Sceleritas crawling from her fully formed (I'm still undecided whether this is Bhaal's instruction, or a mind game, but for this purpose it doesn't really matter.) But it's also the first time she's ever considered sex, and with her understanding that she must take on great sacrifice, she also begins to slightly fetishise this fear. The idea of being desired and sacrificing her body in that way is a little sexy, even if the reality is not. Thanks, religious trauma. This is combined with her relationship to the then chosen, Torlin Silvershield, makes for a complicated time in her life.

Torlin is quite a traditional Bhaalist in a lot of ways. A man of means, connected and erudite, whose Bhaalist life is almost a fun club away from his real life. He is handsome and charming and belongs to a world that neither Manva or Orin understand at this point in their lives. He has his own family, his own life away from them. Both of them want to impress him and, vain man that he is, he indulges this. Eventually Manva wins out for his favour during her time as the Butcher of Baldur's Gate, but it is a bitter win; she wants him to be a mentor, a father-figure, and he sees the purest Bhaalspawn as a prize potential mistress, and his sexual attentions are devastating to her.

When he does lose his status, and when she can finally make decisions for herself, she decides to maintain her perceived celibacy (after all who needs sex when you have Bhaal's gift of ecstatic murder, and also the things she does to Orin in a fit of anger don't count.) She does right until she meets Gortash. And, I guess, she maintains it, as she does not allow anything that would risk getting with child, and he doesn't do anything to her that might risk her losing control of her strength and accidentally killing him. His desire for her is both tantalising and terrifying to her. He is a great risk.

Then Ketheric comes into the picture and all of these threads pull apart.

Ketheric can see the growing intimacy between her and Gortash, and he needles at it softly because he sees how ridiculous it is. These are broken children who are playing up for his attention, and it's pathetic to him. She's never really seen a person who loved their child before - Torlin was the closest, but he kept his children and life so far away from them - and she is fascinated by it. He would do all of this because he loves his daughter. All of it! He would become undead, he would sacrifice his very soul. She's envious, and wants his attentions as the father figure, but it also makes her think for the first time about what it would be like to choose to have a child. Around this time Gortash is also considering whether he will take a patriar wife pretty much only to have children and a legacy, and they are bringing back Isobel. It makes her have the first thread of desire for something truly for herself. Why do they get the opportunity to feel that feeling, and she doesn't?

I think, whether she realises it fully or (likely) not, that there is a part of her that would like a simple life that she has constantly been denied. The opportunity for love, and to nurture life, to feel secure and to feel seen. She has been a servant to others' needs her whole life, even before she knew she was the Bhaalsdaughter, and by the time she instigates the most toxic sexual relationship of all time with Ketheric (daddy AND daughter issues? literally pulling each other apart during and after? All of the damage caused by Bhaal, Sarevok and Torlin and the desire she cannot have sated by Gortash all coming out at once? Delicious) the strain of that and the desire for more is starting to show.

In the end, it is the Netherbrain that gives her that opportunity. The Brain reads her deepest desire and agrees to be the surrogate for her. The tadpoles will be birthed across the world, and she will be the all-mother to all the creatures it creates. Manva is part of her design, the co-parent, the nurturer of the end of everything, so that something may be born anew.

[derekscorner]

Fated Rantings: Clocktowers & Business Hours

Alright! After getting the Waver praise out of my system let's ramble about other aspects of the anime that I loved.

I'll link part one here if you're curious. (<- click)

Now then where do I even begin?

The world building

Why with the Clocktower of course! That is easily my favorite thing about what I watched. El Melloi shows me the broader mage world that I've only seen referenced till now.

Sure, I've seen vids on how the society works or the Clocktowers role but it's another thing actually seeing it as Waver navigates the setting. Whether he's solving cases or teaching his class I enjoy seeing Type-Moon's reality in motion.

I also generally like the atmosphere this place has. Not sure if it's due to the London setting or the older aesthetic of the places Waver visits but I find them homey. I'd like to be there in a sense.

...well in spirit. The mage world is ruthless so actually being there may get you killed.

It is also fun to just see the small details. Any Fate fan knows that most mages avoid modern technology so they have magical items doing things our tech would or just not bother at all.

For example, you often see golems cleaning the halls or how the phones are older models. Even the internet café Waver goes to for grading papers is set in an old building within walking distance of the tower.

It does a good job of giving it a fantasy feel despite it being the modern day.

You also see the slow bleeding of modernity into this world. Waver's whole class is in a department that focus' on modern magecraft and how to adapt to the technological world.

This doesn't mean they use computers but the class does reinterpret much of old magecraft into newer simpler forms. Given how magecraft is rooted in mystery and tradition (it literally only works for those reasons) the mages look down upon it yet they let it exist because they can't deny the changing of time.

Some mages even use modern technology. Caules and Flat have a expensive PC in their dorm room and Waver himself plays japanese video games due to his time with Iskandar.

The modern world is bleeding in but it still hasn't lost that fantasy charm.

The Classroom I'd actually like to visit

Although the anime used them sparingly I do find the class Waver teaches endearing. I wish the characters had gotten more time to shine in the anime.

I want to know why Svin boarders on being a Gray stalker or why Flat idolizes Waver. Hell, I'm fascinated as to why someone from an old mage lineage like Luvia would want him to be her tutor.

Yes, I gushed about Waver's talents in the part one but I know that as an outside observer. I want to know why SHE desires his tutelage. Luvia is by no means hurting in skill or intelligence.

Heck, I'd even like to learn more about Yvette as cracked as that girl is in the head. Is she really a spy? Why does she want to be Wavers mistress? I am genuinely intrigued by these chaotic misfits that Waver has to deal with.

I may begin the manga adaption just to see more of them no joke.

Reines motherf**ck Melloi

Then there was this chaotic lil shit. I was glad she got as much time in the anime as she did and even then I wanted to see her more. Part of that is because I am mischievous by nature and this child is a troll. I enjoy her antics.

She's also just a good example of how even the more calm mages in their society are just fuckin crazy. She kidnapped Waver when she was only like 11 or 12 years old.

It wasn't even for nefarious reasons, she just wanted to meet the man that put the Mellois in a bind. She didn't expect him to actually meet her demands or be her proxy until she can be the proper Lord El Melloi.

She wasn't even scared when they used new magecraft to launch her and Caules at Mach 1 during one of the cases. She found it fun...to be shot across Europe at mach 1.

She's genuinely entertaining to me and her fondness for Waver is fun to watch. Even if her entire reason to visit him for a day is to torment him.

She's also not above just pure human decency which is more rare among mages than you'd think. She is friends with Gray and talks to her often and even reaches out to Olga Marie.

Not for entirely selfless reasons to be sure but that's still more than most mages do. Given the childhood she had amongst assassinations and politics it's a miracle she's not more ruthless.

She's also apparently a genius or at least highly skilled since she remodeled Kayneth's mercury magecraft into her maid. That maid you see following her? That's Kayneth's mercury orb from Fate Zero.

She gave it a pseudo-personality and human shape. A child did that.

Olga Marie

I was surprised to see her in the story tbh. I began this with lore videos and FGO so I had an odd history with the character in a way.

I'm fully aware of Fate's multiverse nature but it's still neat to see characters you know living different lives. In particular, I found it fascinating that Olga's father is still a piece of sh*t that disappeared.

It makes me wonder how many worlds this tragedy repeats itself due to her father being obsessed with the Holy Grail only to learn that in most timelines it's corrupted and useless for wish granting.

Olga herself is tragic both in FGO and here albeit she's younger in this story.

She's definitely annoying but that's her childish nature processing her life. I actually felt bad in FGO for being a smartass once I learned of it. I was saddened again here in El Melloi because this Olga seemed to have a caretaker that actually cared about her only to lose that one as well.

It made me happy to see her get some level of friendship tbh. From what I hear she appears more in the novels and manga so I hope her life continues to be more positive than FGO.

I can't really say more than that on her personality because she's mostly the same but younger and with a brighter future.

Even Yggdmillennia appeared

It's a small mention but the first anime I sat through was Apocrypha so seeing Caules or hearing Yggdmillennia mentioned is a neat nod for me.

I didn't realize he usually ends up in the Clocktower in multiple timelines. I also wonder what drove his sister to live a normal life in this world.

I know how he got there in the Apocrypha world but I do not know what pushed his sister to abandon her role in this world.

Not Seiba

An aspect of the show I expected to have more to say on was Gray. I have many Fate posts now but many of them are two parters or about one show, the rest are about Saber.

I am a Saber (Artoria) shill and I will not deny as such so Gray is easily the one I know the most about lore wise. Sadly, the anime did not delve into her much.

I mean, I KNOW why she looks like that or what village she's referring to. I know why she admires Waver and sees him as a savior but that's me.

It's like with Fate 2006, I could appreciate it because I have context. Most people who just see this will not have that context. They will not know why Gray has Saber's face or her holy lance Rhongomyniad.

As as result I'm not sure I can do a whole post on her. I can easily ramble about her backstory but that's all. I'd want to see her story in motion, see how her past affects her, or see for myself the flashback.

What I can tell you is that Gray is tragic in her own way. Many Sabers are but Gray is unique in the sense that she is not actually Artoria Pendragon.

She hides her face, the whole reason she likes that Waver hates her face, is because it is not her own. She's the victim of a ritual hoping to revive king arthur.

Waver dislikes her face because Saber traumatized him during the 4th Grail War but he mostly just says so because it makes this poor young girl happy.

If you ever watch this anime before you read the novels, it's manga adaption, or even a lore video know this;

Gray was some poor british girl that's had her face stolen from her. Thanks to that lance she, like arthur, will not age and as El Melloi's story gets closer to the 5th Grail War (aka Fate Stay Night) Gray begins to adopt more of Sabers' features.

She's slowly losing herself, that is her tragedy.

It's a fun story

I'll wrap this up by saying that I loved this story. I love the setting, I love exploring the Type-Moon world. Although I could tell the anime cut bits of story I still enjoyed each case as well.

Such as seeing the fairy case early on. Not only did I get to see Kairi Sisigou from Fate Apocrypha again but I got to see more on faeries. A fascination of mine due to my childhood fondness of king Arthur and Celtic mythology.

The fae are fare more dangerous than one would think and within Fates world they are magical beings born of the earth. Many of them have magic that rivals the gods men once worshipped.

They are not to be meddled with which made that early case so neat to me. You see faeries charm men often but rarely do you see a faery charmed by love for a man.

Then there was the Rail Zeppelin a magical train. A MAGICAL TRAIN! Do you even realize the neurons that activates in a mans head?! Many a lad grow up loving trains in their youth.

AND THIS ONE IS MAGICAL! IT FOLLOWS THE LEYLINES! It's full of magic beings, vampires, they auction magic eyes, IT HAS A FUCKIN MAGIC CANNON!

They could've did a whole mini series set on this train and I would've watched it. I loved the train.

It's unfortunate that the Dr. Heartless plot is left hanging but by hell I got to see a magic train. I even got to see a dead apostle, a real one, through that Inash forest thing.

I think it comes from a Dead Apostle that's actually not of the earth like the whole True Ancestor-Dead Apostle lineage works but still. Blood sucking forest of death.

A true eldritch horror that one was!

Alas I am burnt out now. Been writing for a few hours and I'm unsure how satisfied I feel about part one. I'm not sure this was as solid as my Fate Zero or Mordred posts but oh well.

It's a fun show, it's a fun series, and I hope there's more because I've seen gifs I don't recognize the whole time I've typed this.

If you ever wondered if El Melloi is worth your time it is. It's a fun detective series set in a well fleshed out magical setting. Give it a go.

Bye now~

========================

For my other experiences with Fate click here: https://derekscorner.tumblr.com/tagged/fated-rantings

[originalgenshinscenarios]

Greetings you little mashocist! Have some more pain

I humbly request headcanons of Orobashi, Zhongli and Osial. In where you, their human lover asks, what they'll do when you'll die?

You're mortal, so one day you will perish, leaving them alone.

Much love, ash anon <3

You just get me. That's the angst I fucking want!!

Also hope you like my version of Osial~

Orobashi, Zhongli and Osial reacting to their human asking what will they do when they die

Reader here is gender neutral

Orobashi

It wasn't like he wasn't prepared for this question to come up, but he was surprised by it regardless.

He didn't wanted to worry about it too soon, but at the same time you did deserve a proper answer.

"There isn't much I could do... I definitely would cherish everything we had and be there for you untill your last breath... But as for what would happen next... I'm not yet sure"

It would take him a long time to get used to you not being around. He could only imagine how many times he'd forget that you've died only to be brought back to harsh reality.

Because with time to him all of it will seem like a dream that ended with a nightmare.

Zhongli

Although he's hiding among the mortals and his days as Rex Lapis are over, he still had a long life ahead of him... One that would surely outlive you if he doesn't fall due to different circumstances than age.

It took him some time to confess to you that he isn't mortal. Mainly because he just doesn't talk about it left and right. But when you ask him the question he doesn't even hesitate to answer.

"I'll carry you in my heart and memories until the day that I die" he spoke bluntly but you could feel the determination within.

It was the truth after all. He would cherish every moment he has with you. He'd basically use the time he has with you the best way he can. After your passing he'd just remember the times he had. Perhaps often ask himself "what would happen if you were here" too.

Osial

He was prepared for the fact that your life is fragile and may end any day. Still just the idea of losing you was making him mad.

So when you asked him what would he do after your death he almost scolded you.

"Don't even bring up such a grim scenario. I'll deal with it once I will have to face it" to him situation was simple. He has you here and when something takes you away there will be hell to pay.

There just was no telling what he'd do as he griefs your death... Your death might end up being not only a catastrophe for him but be correlated to a different one...

~Mod Lisa

[yanderes-galore]

Yandere!Platonic Dedmos(post-purgatory) short prompts and little sibling! Darling

23.) "You're crying... come a little closer, I'll make it all go away."

29.) "I want to be this close... forever...."

it's like a continuation of the concept about deimos and his little sibling, but deimos is dedmos

From your prompt set

Okay but I only loosely based this on the concept. Sorry for the time skips in this.

Concept this is loosely based on

Yandere! Platonic! Dedmos Prompts 23 + 29

"You're crying... come a little closer, I'll make it all go away."

"I want to be this close... forever...."

Pairing: Platonic

Possible Trigger Warnings: Gender-Neutral Darling, Death, Murder, Delusional behavior, Manipulation, Violence.

Deimos would do anything to see you again. Ever since the birth of the both of you, Deimos has been there to protect you. Now look where he is...

In purgatory... alone... with no sign of you.

Deimos is determined to survive in this twisted world. Even if it means fighting through purgatory. The idea of you being alone... without him... only pushes him further.

Deimos traverses through the underworld like it's a labyrinth.... Twisted distortions of reality plague his mind and vision... trying to prevent him from fighting. Deimos fights anyways... the fear of you being in danger scaring him more than the horrors of this realm.

Sometimes Deimos thinks he sees you in this purgatory. However, these are simply clones created from his memory. He has a feeling it will be awhile before he sees you again....

That is until 2B begins to help him out of this hell.

Deimos felt so lost in purgatory. All he knew was to fight... to survive. Just like he's always done.

By the time 2B pulls him up from purgatory, Deimos isn't quite... Deimos.

2B himself is perplexed at first, wondering if he pulled up Deimos or something else entirely. This Deimos was partially made of stone with black scars covering his face. Although due to how friendly yet bewildered Deimos was being, 2B assumed this was the one.

He'd have to do a proper examination once the two deal with those strange magnified agents that followed Deimos out.

---

"What exactly happened down there?" 2B asks the "undead" Deimos. Deimos only shrugs, looking around the lab. If this was the lab... where were you?

"Can't talk, can you?" 2B huffs, Deimos nods in response. "There might be a way I can make you a working mouth if I operate on that stone...."

2B watches Deimos search around the room, desperately looking for something. Deimos eventually finds a paper and pen in a drawer, scribbling on it to the best of his ability with his stoney hands. The paper is then shoved into 2B's face, causing the older grunt to grumble.

"Where's... (Y/N)?" 2B reads, watching as Deimos quickly nods his head. 2B suddenly looks confused and uncomfortable.

After what happened... Deimos wants to see you?

"We... We can talk about your sibling once I finish this operation on you." Deimos looks worried and annoyed but allowed the doctor to do as he wished.

"I'm surprised you still want to see them after what they've done to you..." 2B mutters, examining the stone on Deimos' face. Deimos doesn't respond but deep down... he knows what you did was an accident.

You'll be so happy to know he's alive.

---

The new stone jaw 2B created for him felt strange on his face. He could finally talk again but everything felt strange. He was alive... but things still didn't feel right.

He'll have to get used to it.

All Deimos was concerned about was finding you. 2B gave him directions on where you generally were around in Nevada. Ever since his death, according to 2B, you wanted nothing to do with the group.

So you took up isolation... poor thing.

Deimos scours the area in an attempt to find you. His eyes soon snap to movement, seeing a familiar smaller figure flee behind a building. There you are....

Quickly the stoney grunt darts towards the direction of the movement, eyes eagerly scanning the area. Deimos soon stops in front of a familiar figure looting something from a dead agent. Clearing his abused throat, Deimos watches the figure flinch before turning around.

It was you.

You looked scared... terrified, actually.

"No-" You croak. "It can't be-"

"I was told I'd find you here...."

"You're supposed to be dead!" You cry, standing up and backing away. "I killed you!"

"I know it was an accident... there's no need to worry." Deimos looks into your eyes and sees them water.

"That was no accident! I wanted you GONE. You were taking over my life! ... Now you're back-"

Deimos is so silent it's eerie. The stone covering his skin makes you wonder if he was even fully flesh anymore. This wasn't Deimos... this was even more of a monster... you can't stop your tears.

"You're crying... come a little closer, I'll make it all go away." Deimos offers, outstretching his arms to welcome you into his embrace.

"Get the hell away fron me...."

"That's not a nice way to greet your brother, (Y/N)."

"You're no brother of mine!"

Deimos twitches his eye, stepping closer. He no longer cared how he got his hug....

"Take that back. I cared for you when NO ONE else would!"

"Stay away from me!"

The argument quickly evolves into a chase. You feels like you're running for your life while Deimos hunts you down with supernatural stamina. You need to find your weapons...

You push yourself to open the door of your base.

Only to be tackled by Deimos.

"Stay still...."

"Get off me!"

Clawed stone fingers jab into your sides. You swore he was making you bleed. You struggle, turning over to meet Deimos face to face.

Your eyes hold many emotions. Anger, fear, sadness, confusion... seeing Deimos made you a mess. You killed him to get him out of your life!

Now he was back, holding you, just like he used to do when you were younger....

There's an overwhelming silence between you. Deimos shifts you both so you're sitting in his lap, holding you close. He's missed holding you like this...

He forgives you for your little disagreement... for now.

"I want to be this close... forever...."

Deimos hums, stone claws rubbing your back.

"I promise I'll never leave you again... your big brother would go through purgatory time and time again just to keep you safe."

He pulls away to hold your face.

"But I should keep an eye on you more after that stunt you pulled... you aren't getting rid of me that easily."

In response... you cry. Deimos silently pulls you back onto his chest, shushing you softly.

He'll never leave you again...

Even if you kill him.

[turvi]

The Love of My Dreams - 7

Series Masterlist

Remus' words rang in her ear as she waited for Colin to return home. Why didn't he tell her about the conference meeting at Cambridge? When Colin finally got him, he didn't even kiss her forehead like he used to do. Y/n heard him complain about work and his colleagues. It hurt her more when she heard him complain about them like this. She didn't mind that he wouldn't acknowledge her but to hear him talk about people who he had been working with for years before getting the promotion really concerned her. They were his best friends once.

Y/n didn't even get a chance to bring up the conference when she heard him snoring, his luggage wide open. It was clear. He had left it open for her to pack his bag for him. Y/n sighed, it was almost midnight, and he obviously had to leave early in the morning. She tucked him in and started packing his bag.

Remus couldn't help but smile. Y/n had no reason to help him out. He felt so guilty taking lunch from her, but when she smiled at him, holding his hand and assuring him it was not a big deal.

He swivelled on his chair as the smell of a home-cooked meal hit his nose. His stomach grumbled as he opened the lunch box. All his guilt washed away as he ate the food. Remus' hand trembled as he hungrily ate the lunch. He didn't have to worry about Colin for a week. He can enjoy his lunch and do his work peacefully.

Y/n was actually surprised that Colin never noticed her preparing two lunch boxes. Weeks went by, and Y/n found herself looking forward to lunchtime. She noticed Remus started to look better now that he was having a proper meal.

"You are spoiling me" Remus smirked at her when she handed him the lunchbox. Y/n shook her head.

"It's not too much, really. If you want, I can teach you to cook food that requires minimum ingredients and time and will also fill your stomach." Y/n finally looked up and bit her cheek when she saw him smile.

"I can't thank you enough. You're really doing me a big favour. But I have to ask, why are you helping me out?" Remus looked into her eyes. His fingers ached to brush the strand of her hair.

"I would be lying if I said I wasn't worried the way you had a panic attack at the party. You looked weak. At least now you look a bit healthier. You are having a proper meal one time of the day."

"Well, my workload has eased off now that Colin has gone to the conference....no offence." Remus quickly said, not wanting her to know how much he hated Colin.

"None taken." Remus looked at her as she said that, staring into the distance. He didn't realise he was smiling like a fool, looking at her as the wind gently blew her hair as if teasing him that it could touch her, whereas he could only dream of ever touching her like that.

Y/n looked up to see him looking at her, and she felt a sense of deja vu. She couldn't figure out why even after being with Colin so long, he still felt like a stranger, but as soon as she met Remus, she felt like she was home.

Y/n saw his hand that was resting on the bench. The scars filled her heart with worry. She clenched her fist, resisting the urge to hold his hand and trace his scars with her fingers.

Remus cleared his throat. "So your cooking lesson offer still holds?" Y/n smiled. "Yeah, that way, you won't have to take lunch from me."

Y/n looked down, trying to look busy in thoughts to avoid his gaze. "Don't worry. Like I said earlier, they are easy recipes and will take less time."

Remus did feel guilty for taking lunch from her, but it was the only way to see her. He was feeling so many emotions, and one of them was anger. Why did someone like Colin deserve her? Colin can love her but doesn't crave her like Remus does.

"So... I'll see you on Sunday? Your place?" Y/n waited for his response when reality dawned on him. She will be at his home. It would be just the two of them. He didn't realise he smiling like a dork until she heard her giggle. He felt his heart warm up at that sound. Everything about her made him feel like he was remembering a memory he treasured. Has he met her before?

The afternoon sunlight shone through Remus' window while he snored with his limbs outstretched on the bed. He slept late last night trying to complete his work before the deadline, so he could focus on Y/n.....and her cooking. He reminded himself she would be home. His joints were aching, making his sleeping schedule worse.

Remus didn't hear the doorbell the first time. But he jolted up from his bed the second time it rang, remembering Y/n was supposed to come home today.

He forgot all about his joint aches as soon as he saw her standing on his porch, the sunlight working as a spotlight on her.

"It's 12:40 pm Mr. Lupin."

Remus thought he would collapse on the floor if he had not put an arm on his door. The domesticity in her voice made him want her more. He envied Colin. He had the privilege to see her in his every waking moment.

"I'm sorry. I worked late last night and forgot to set an alarm." He cleared his throat to get rid of his groggy voice, not realising he brought Y/n out of her daze. She shook her head and scolded her brain for thinking inappropriate thoughts about a man she had only known for 3 days.

"I can come back some other day?" Please say no

"No..no. I need this. I need something healthier than takeaways and bread." He said, fixing his hair. He felt embarrassed Y/n had to see him in such a state and had to wait outside while he overslept. Meanwhile, Y/n was stifling a big grin. She really wanted to hug him because he looked so snug.

Until she remembered Colin existed. As she made her way into his home. She internally apologised to whichever god was available for thinking like this. Remus was a menace in his life since the day she saw him. Plus, he looked just like the man in her dream. Or maybe he had a few attributes that matched the man in her dreams. She never saw his entire face. She only knew he had sandy blonde hair and green eyes. He couldn't be Remus, right? She wondered. Has she met him before?

@ell0ra-br3kk3r @milivanili99 @fieldofsecretss @moon-witchs-world

A/N: I am taking my sweet time with this series. This was supposed to be 10 parts might extend it a bit. REBLOGS AND COMMENTS ARE APPRECIATED.

[twisted-wonderland-but-gayer]

[Defense] Lawyer Yuu because I actually just started watching people play Ace Attorney myself and I am recently refreshed! Yuu is ambiguous on age but is hinted to be about Phoenix's starting age (20/21), because a lawyer would be an adult out of school... and that's Ace Attorney logic, a young lawyer...

Swapping between third and second person because I'm speed typing, but Yuu is still Yuu.

Yuu can not believe he was getting shaken around by a bunch of children! Not only had he been dragged into an alternate reality full of magic and fire breathing cats, but he was brought back to school! Night Raven College... when he heard the word college, he almost froze from shock and bewilderment.

How unlucky, especially with his student debts still going in his past world. He was determined to leave in the beginning, and Crowley was all too quick to agree, because of his general age difference with all the student body. Because of reasons unknown, and all identification except his Attorneys Badge taken from him, Yuu was forced to settle... for going back to college...

Thankfully, seeing Leona in the last situation with your gaggle of fellow students put you in a better mood. At least someone else was also your age, making this less awkward.

But you were unthankful for a specific gaggle of students that had attached themselves to you on the first day, breaking a chandelier. You could have flashed your badge, but you knew Crowley had all the power over your no ID person. Riddle had been much easier to deal with as the student held respect for you getting into Law School, and was conflicted when you basically called out his abuse of power and how these students could probably file harassment charges.

Well, that was until you realized you still had no proper ID, so all trials would be trials with Crowley as a judge... no thank you...

Oh, Chapter 3 is going to be hell, especially as this is what you trained for! If you had your ID and anyway to call the police, you could have a trial to put Azul at least in juvenile detention. But you don't. You have to constantly remind yourself that your barely able to do much at all, barely able to go to gym class because it's just you running laps while everyone flies. And so, watching a slimy 16 year old hold over 250 students hostage as you start to sign over your temporary living arrangements...

You pause before you actually sign. "Wait. May I have a magnifying glass? Before you get offended: I'm just making sure that there's no fine print. Also, I'll be drawing a line at the bottom so you can't update the contract. I've had that happen three times on autopsy's in the span of months."

Azul and Jade, curious as they are about laws unironically, hand you a sea glass magnifying lens shaped like a shell. For now, it's all you can do.

... Gosh, do you miss the Prosection... at least with him, your not wondering if the next student will stab you. Or anger Grim. Or vandalize your items. Or Overblot...

IM FOAMING ATBTHE MOUTH WITH THIS. TY SO MUCH.

ALSO imagine how Riddle is since he wants you be a lawyer. He's just so excited to ask questions and Yuus like "I had to interview a fucking parrot."

[an-angel-in-the-garden]

Hi. I found your blog through your personal masterlist and I think you did a great job in writing those characters. I’d like to request two characters from P5 - Mishima and Ryuji

My description of the reader/scenario may come across as very sprcific so feel free to drop something if you want to. So, the reader is a promising athlete, their sport (combat based) is their love. And then, during practice they break their leg badly. Now they are on bed rest. Their popularity is dwindling, their dreams might be crushed, they are not doing great. They try to be strong and optimistic, basically not be a bother and a downer but their world is crushed. How would those two be like in that situation?

I know it’s silly and very self indulgent. I’m just looking for some comfort and fanfiction’s one way to get it I suppose haha but don't feel pressured to write this. I have so much more normal requests so just tell me and I'll request something else^^

It's really no problem for me! I don't find it silly at all, I totally get finding comfort through fiction and I'm glad my writing can bring some amount of comfort. Hopefully I fulfilled this well. Please enjoy! Trigger Warnings for talks of injury and depression

It was bound to happen. That's what everyone says but waiting here in the hospital it's hard to just accept that. Years of practice and training of course getting injured was just part of learning but it was never this bad. The pain hurt, sure, but it wasn't as hard to bear as the knowledge that it would take months, years maybe, to fully recover. Even then the doctor already said getting back into competitions might be difficult. It's hard to smile and nod, to accept that this is the reality of things but as a hand gently squeezes mine I do my best, like always.

Ryuji

For as airheaded as Ryuji can be, he knows better than anyone how hard this really is and he knows that you're suffering because of it. Even if you smile and laugh, tell people that it's okay or that you're not really upset, he can tell. More than anything though Ryuji remembers what it was like when he was in that position. The helplessness and fear, the pain and constant dread. He can't stand the idea that you have to deal with that so he's gonna try to take on some of that pain. He'll be a pillar for you to lean on until you can stand on your two feet again no matter how long it takes. 

The sweetest of sweethearts

As said before Ryuji knows what this is like and he wants to make this as easy for you as he can because he wants the person he cares about to be happy

The ultimate defender, if anyone talks about you or says this is it for your career he's ready to fight

Will make sure you take care of yourself, proper care is the key to healing quickly!

He won't treat you any differently hurt or not you aren't made of glass and he's here to remind you just how strong you are

But don't be afraid to open up or tell him when your feeling down cause he's here to comfort you as well

He'll stay up late with you to tell you it's gonna be okay and that even if this is struggle he's still with you and plenty of people will still support you after this

You're the apple of his eye and he won't let this bring you down!

Mishima

As sweet a boy as he is, Mishima struggles to notice when things start taking a toll on you. He's almost always beside you after you get the cast on and maybe it's because of that that Misima doesn't notice right away when you start talking less or when your smile stops reaching your eyes. It doesn't take long but he feels awful when he realizes it. Mishima is less ready to handle this but he's earnest and wants nothing more than to help you, to show you that no matter what you are loved and cared for. Your ability to perform and fight changes nothing in his eyes.  Your health and well being will always matter more and he's here to hype you up as you recover, this is a small setback but he knows you'll be back up in no time!

A precious man doing his best but still fumbling at times Mishima has only the best intentions but sometimes he forgets how hard things might be for and says or does things that cause more hurt

Still he always corrects it and does his best not to do it again, it's a give and take as you both have to be careful with each other

He knows what it's like to hurt and see your dreams shatter, its awful and it makes him strive to bring a smile to your face It's always the small things, showing you people talking about how they hope you're recovering well or that they're excited for the day you can come back

Asking you for tips and tricks on staying calm and in the moment, helping you with physical therapy and anything in between

Your a light in the sometime bleak world and Mishima will do anything to keep that light from fading

Here we are! I really hope this helps and that you enjoyed it. Thank you for requesting and for reading. Have a good day or night ~ Lilly

[drowninginredink]

Hi, it's the anon who headcanons the Chosen as higher needs autistic.

I just wanted to say that I'mactually thankful you educated me on your schizoprenic experience, because I didn't know any of that was even a thing! I'll take that with me going forward.

You're welcome! If you want proper schizo education, let's do it! Actually, a note first, because I'm going to be using the terms psychotic and schizophrenic a lot and you should know the difference. Psychosis is a symptom. It is basically just disconnect from reality, generally meaning delusions and often, but not always, hallucinations. Psychosis can happen because of pregnancy, medical conditions, other mental illnesses, or drugs (both legal/prescribed and illegal). Schizophrenia is chronic psychosis that cannot be attributed to any other cause. All schizophrenics are psychotic; not all psychotics are schizophrenic.

1. I know I already said it in the original post, but do not call 911 on someone in a mental health crisis. I will not share the details of what happens to psychotic people (and let's be clear here; it's almost always Black psychotic people) in police custody. And the "good" scenario is them ending up hospitalized, which really isn't much better. I work in nursing, but I will never, ever work in psychiatric nursing because the way psychotics get treated in psych hospitals? I could not see that every day. I could not be part of that system. And there's no way I'd have any leverage to change that system. Psychotics get forcibly medicated, restrained, treated like weirdos and pariahs by the other patients... And then thrown right back out. Why are there a bunch of homeless schizophrenics? Well obviously it's pretty damn impossible to hold a job when in active psychosis, but also, how are you supposed to keep getting your meds or get any lasting therapy when after you get out of the hospital, you're going right back to living on the streets?

2. If someone says stuff that seems delusional, do not fact check them (unless they explicitly ask you to). It will not work. It will just distress them and make them double down. The correct approach is to very slowly nudge them out of it until they realize for themselves what was a delusion, but that's not your job. That's for their therapist to do. Don't encourage them either, though. If you can change the subject, that's the best approach.

3. There's this image that all psychotics need to be medicated, because obviously therapy wouldn't work because they're completely irrational. Medication actually doesn't help 25% of schizophrenics, and therapy is generally way more effective. The problem with that being that you know who else thinks of psychosis as a "just throw drugs at it" issue? Lots and lots of psych professionals. And a whole bunch also just don't know what to do with us. Or they don't want to deal with us, because it's hard. As someone in the medical field Therapy is super useful, though. The standard approach is CBT for psychosis (which personally I had a terrible time with. DBT ended up being my magic bullet). Fun fact: my old psychiatrist is currently doing a study on controlling voice hearing yourself. Basically, you can stop hearing voices by telling them to shut up and fuck off. I'm unconventional as far as schizophrenia symptoms go, so I never really had much voice hearing, but I did for a brief period of time and that's how I got it to go away. Learning how to reality check yourself is the most effective way to deal with psychosis.

3. a. Back on meds, for me personally, anti psychotics did help with my dissociation, but did nothing for my hallucinations and delusions. I'm not on them anymore. We found that an ADHD med actually worked really well for my dissociation, interestingly enough. Anti psychotics also have awful side effects. Schizophrenia is not fun, but the worst thing I've ever experienced wasn't schizophrenia at all. It was akathisia, which is a side effect of anti psychotics. It's restlessness to the absolute maximum. You can't concentrate, you can't think, you can't sit still, you can't sleep. Your heart feels like it's burning a hole in your chest. It is hell.

4. Schizophrenia is actually neurodevelopmental. Our brains look different than other brains. I know personally, I have always had delusional thought processes. It's just that as a kid, I was fixating on, say, the fact that I just could not leave this party right now or that for some reason it was a huge deal that the teacher didn't call on me. So no one thought it was delusions. But now that I've been overtly delusional? The thought process is exactly the same. It's like you're wearing blinders. The world flattens out to 2D and you just can't see the truth. And then when you do realize it, you feel like an absolute idiot for letting it go on for so long. That's true now, and it was true when I was freaking out about dance recitals as a kid.

5. Let's talk about the absolute worst psychotic symptom you've never heard of: disorganized thinking. It's what it sounds like. It's like your brain and thoughts are a deck of cards that are constantly being shuffled. You lose your train of thought. You forget what it is you're doing. I know when my disorganized thinking was a lot worse (those ADHD meds have also helped a ton with that, thank God) I would just get trapped scrolling my phone because I couldn't keep a train of thought for long enough to decide to do something else. Or rather, I'd decide to do something, and then forget about it before I could, over and over. For people who aren't me, it will also manifest as disorganized speech, where you know what you're saying in your head but complete gibberish comes out of your mouth instead. A thing people do not talk about enough is how much schizophrenia absolutely destroys your ability to think. Between disorganized thinking and dissociation (and God, my dissociation is terrible... And this is with it medicated down to levels where I can actually function) sometimes my brain is just absolutely useless to me.

That's probably enough for now? I could keep going for hours, but I think that's a lot of really good information. Truly give me an inch and I'll run a mile

[secretgamergirl]

"No it's cool, it was reclaimed."

So the other day, just kinda trying to follow a conversation some people were having on Discord, I saw the topic of Nazi symbols rear its... quite literally ugly head, as people were trying to have a civil little chat with someone who really wanted to see people posting that one Nazi frog. Short answer is no, that's still not OK, there is never going to be a time when that is OK, and the fact that you're even testing the waters is about as big of a red flag as they come, but let's take a moment to articulate why.

As anyone who's been following me for any length of time should know, along with anyone who's just been dealing with violent threats and intimidation from Nazis over the past decade give or take, there's this frog, see. Really, a couple variations on it. Nazis just absolutely love using this frog as profile images, making it into response macros in chats and spamming it, putting it into little forum signatures, putting it on lapel pins, just generally displaying it like it's their corporate sponsor or something. How this came to be the symbol or choice for this I'll eventually circle back around to, but first let's talk about why they do this, and why it's important to take action when you see it.

All nazis start out as people, just like you or me, except they're just sort of bad at being a person. Some combination of not developing proper social skills or morality, failing at everything they try, and failing to recognize how crap like how the "hero" always "gets the girl" in movies doesn't reflect how reality actually works leaves them all bitter and self-pitying and receptive to Nazi recruitment, and from there they slowly get indoctrinated until there's nothing left of them but a hollowed out husk of a human being who will focus on trying to ruin or end the lives of any normal functional human being they have pitched at them as "the enemy." Which tends to be anyone sufficiently marginalized by society that attacking them won't result in the sort of general outrage from onlookers that they have to worry about getting their teeth kicked in in response.

Because they're miserable losers trying to make themselves feel big by targeting only the most defenseless people they can find, they always need the psychological security of knowing people around them have their backs. Ideally other nazis, but you know, in a pinch, it's also good to know about people who are maybe sympathetic to them, or at least see them as harmless, or are conflict averse enough to not intervene if they get rowdier, or hate some of the same people they hate, etc. And of course if they just stood up and shouted, "Hey everybody! I'm a Nazi! How do you all feel about that!?" then unless they happened to be in a super pro-nazi room, the likely and correct response would quiet likely be that Nazi being absolutely mobbed by decent people and faced with justified violence until such point as there was no longer a Nazi in the room.

So, symbols it is! Want to see if people around you are on your side without calling too much attention to yourself? Have some symbols you can flash in a crowd that probably won't mean anything to anyone but the people in your in group. Want to know if a place you're gonna hang around in is onto what an evil piece of garbage you and people like you are? There's more recognized symbols for that. Want to know if they're happy to have you around? There's universally well-known ones for that.

Now obviously it's not like Nazis keep some sort of formal hierarchical list of all their symbols in some sort of central repository. It's all a lot more ad hoc, with new ones getting introduced and tested out and all that, and it's also not like all Nazis talk to each other so some of these can be pretty local, or just for a single event even. Like if a bunch of Nazis are planning to crash a pride parade in Wyoming one year maybe when they're trying to organize that someone goes "hey everyone wear a white polo shirt and a set of mirror shades so we recognize each other" and yeah, on that particular day, at that particular event, polo shirts and mirror shades are Nazi symbols. They probably aren't going to continue being seen as such past that event, unless maybe someone records them beating some queer people to death and shouting the 14 words or something and inspiring other Nazis planning other crap to copy that look, but you know, after seeing that go down you probably wouldn't want to walk around Wyoming with a white polo and mirror shades the next day. Oh and of course if their whole big plan boils down to all of three people dressed up the same way lost in a crowd and not finding each other, or running into someone who caught wind of their planning and beaten down, yeah that looks really not gonna take off as the new Nazi fashion.

The real point I'm making here though is it's not like there's some sort of Nazi brand manager really sweating over the creation of new Nazi symbols and distributing them and getting everyone properly kitted out with them. It's organic, it's shifting, and if a particular symbol gets more and more recognized by other Nazis on a more global scale, or gets recognized more and more by normal people as a Nazi symbol, usage of that one is going to just natural shift to the sort of contexts where they're comfortable being a lot more open with it. Which in turn means if the average person recognizes something as a Nazi symbol, it's a particularly bad one and seeing it displayed is a sign of imminent danger.

All that having been said, let's get back to that ugly Nazi frog. That one is a SUPER well-recognized Nazi symbol today. Like if a Nazi wants to have absolutely no subtlety at all, they're probably still going to just straight up fly the Nazi flag or wear a red armband with a swastika on it, but IMMEDIATELY below that on the latter we have the damn frog. At this point seeing that thing might be a bigger indicator that a Nazi has shown up to throw down than seeing someone fly the Confederate flag, and that one's literally a red flag symbolizing a readiness to go to war on the side of white supremacy.

Personally speaking, as someone Nazis have been pretty vocal for some time about wanting to see dead, and not even just in a broad categorical sense, I see any of the above, I am in immediate fight or flight mode, and I am going to take whatever steps feel prudent for my life and safety. What those are going to be depend on context, but one way or another I'm not going to share space with someone so clearly broadcasting their desire to see me dead, and we are not going to have a discussion about my stance. If you are present, you should have my back here, if you are responsible for the venue someone is flashing this hate symbol in, you have a moral obligation to remove the offending Nazi. Like I know in general we have a societal problem where most people in charge of moderation duties were taught completely wrong, but hopefully the "Nazi bar story" has been circulating around well enough for people to finally be on the same page about this.

Returning to this conversation I walked in on the other day, someone I'm forced by the facts of this anecdote to assume was a Nazi shows up in this server that I suppose I'd give a C- on moderation when it comes to this (the Nazis who eventually show up do eventually all get the boot, but the people doing the booting tend to be frustratingly slow in strapping the boot on) just sort of out of the blue and passionately objecting to people's objections at seeing that frog. Safe to assume I got here late and missed a deployment and deletion of said. But the main argument this person was going with was that the Nazi frog "had been totally reclaimed" and trying to compare it to "the OK symbol."

So... OK, let's knock out the sidetrack first I guess. Nazis, especially ones with a 4chan background, are absolutely OBSESSED with doing these "false flag operations," where they try to frame one group of people by pretending to be them and get some other group of people to mindlessly attack them. To be fair they had one absolutely massive success with this, getting Nazi crap back into general public view by pretending to be angry about something involving video games a decade ago (again, unless you're REAL new here, we've covered this plenty), but almost always failing to get things off the ground, or only catching enough attention to generate maybe an article or two about their sad little stunt. One of these a couple years back was an effort to convince people that the "OK" symbol (you know, where you touch your thumb and pointer finger and splay the rest out) was a "secret nazi symbol" and... really the whole thing was so poorly thought out it's hard to even follow the logic. I assume the goal was to get people who kept tabs on Nazi activities to start violently attacking anyone who used this long-established gesture that things are going well, thinking it was always and exclusively some secret signifier of hate, or something? In practice I don't think most people have any awareness this was a thing, and the people who do were just the Nazis absolutely failing to make it happen, and people like me monitoring hate groups watching a bunch of prominent Nazis make asses of themselves trying to make an alternative to a thumbs up look sinister on cameras for like maybe a week. There's no "symbol being reclaimed" here there's just a poorly thought out prank failing to get off the ground.

This of course does not compare in any way to the frog, which again, legitimately is at this point a broadly recognized Nazi symbol with no other meaning attached to it, displayed explicitly to intimidate targets and establish whether Nazis are welcome in a space. So the notion that it has been "reclaimed" is absolutely ludicrous, but also I have to take a moment to ponder what that would even mean.

Like, the first thing that comes to my mind when we talk about "reclaiming" is the word "queer." There was a period in, what, the 1970s? where if you heard the word "queer" it was almost certainly being shouted by a bigot in the same way you'd hear someone now deploying a certain three letter slur starting with an F... which honestly had taken over the role as go-to slur by the start of the '80s, and really nobody was particularly saying "queer" with any real regularity besides bigots too old and out of touch to even stay current on their hate speech by the time we got to the big ol' social movement from the people who'd had it shouted at them to do a whole international series of demonstrations with people marching through the streets of major cities shouting "We're here! We're queer! Get used to it!" in a way that I'm pretty sure is so thoroughly burned into our collective memory that I really shouldn't need to explain this to anyone.

And of course since then it's grown into this big ol' catch-all umbrella term, because every other term we have for queer people is weirdly specific and plenty of things aren't otherwise covered, and this is a pretty natural outgrowth for a term that originally just meant kinda meant "atypical" and was tossed around for a century or so to refer to anyone who wasn't both cis and straight before the terms "cis" and "straight" had really caught on, and not always in a negative light. So yeah we took this term that was frankly super handy to have as a neutral discriptor for a broad group of people dealing with bigotry and reclaimed it from people specifically using it in an explicitly hateful context.

So the two things that would have to happen to "reclaim" the Nazi frog would be it no longer being so strongly associated with hate and violence, which, yeah, that has not happened, and no effort is being made to make that happen, and then the people who it was weaponized against would start using it again as their own symbol before Nazis corrupted it.

But, you know, for THAT to be popular, it would have to have originally been a symbol used by the people being targeted with it. So, broadly and in no particular order, queer people, particularly trans people, Jews, people with disabilities, women, particularly those not actively onboard with being Nazi brood mares with no rights of any sort, anyone who isn't white, and anyone else who understands that Nazis are evil, dangerous, and must be eradicated. And uh... that's kinda just most people? Not really a single particular group with a need to rally behind a symbol, nor is there any subgroup within that that has ever, in any way, used the Nazi frog to represent anything.

Where did that frog even come from before it became a Nazi symbol anyway? Well, for a good bit it was one of the symbols people used to indicate that they were a 4chan poster, but... OK we already covered the Nazi bar thing. 4chan is absolutely "a Nazi bar." It's openly welcomed Nazis forever, more or less since it was founded, they use the aforementioned three letter F-slur like a piece of punctuation. I've shared some pretty strong thoughts on the site and its relationship to Nazis before, and there's a pretty strong case to argue that the mascot of a well-known Nazi hangout is kind of already a Nazi symbol by default.

So OK, where did the Nazi frog come from before THAT? Well, some webcomic. So far as I know, said webcomic doesn't have a damn thing to do with any of the various marginalized people Nazis hate either. Just kind of a stoner/slacker thing. And I am of course fuzzy on the details because it's deeply obscure. If it was something anyone had otherwise heard of, it wouldn't have ever ended up as this weird obscure thing for people to paste in places to indicate that they're "from 4chan" because that was otherwise the only place anyone beyond the creator of said comic or however many fans it may have or have had would ever recognize it.

So... the people being targeted with the hate here can't "reclaim" the symbol because it was never ours. The creator of the comic and it's fans could potentially reclaim it if they were the ones being attacked with it, but they're not, and the creator quite sensibly killed off the character featured to end any associate between himself and this clear hate symbol, so, if that's your background it's extra disrespectul to flash that symbol. Random 4chan posters REALLY can't reclaim it because I mean, they're literally the people who initially made this into a symbol of anti-queer/pro-nazi sentiment. There remains, to this day, absolutely no reason for anyone to post that thing anywhere than to try and proclaim it as a Nazi-friendly space, and as such everyone's reaction to seeing it in absolutely any context should be swift and brutal. Same for the other symbols mentioned here.

Hell, you could honestly actually make a better argument for the damn swastika. I mean, nobody would ever buy it, nor should they, but at least it actually did exist in an actual positive context a century ago unlike the rest of this crap.

[ajcgames]

Empowered

Ahead of what I'm hoping to be a good weekend of progress on the project comes a significant development on one of the main balancing points of the game - power! I spent a good few evenings working on this, so I'm happy to unveil my progress on this finally.

All things powerful

There's a few things going on here that are worth talking a little about.

The game now features a fully-implemented power management sytem. All placed structures, with the exception of belts, now need power to run. To simplify things, there's no differentiation between machines that are on/off, running or otherwise not engaged. If a machine is present, it draws a set amount of power.

Run out of power, and everything shuts down until you fix it!

Icons appear over the top of machines that draw power when they have insufficient supply. It should be pretty clear when something's gone wrong!

The balancing act is fairly straightforward. Generate more power than you use - which is supported through a helpful new popup that details lots of information about what's going on in your factory.

You can get an overview of your factory's power usage in the power information popup.

It shows all of the machine types you've placed, how much power they're cumulatively drawing, and the same for machines that generate power. Currently, there's only a single type - the Small Generator - but you can probably expect others to follow suit for later in the game.

A small generator, doing exactly what it says on the tin.

So what's the deal with adding power to the game? Power serves two purposes for game-play. One is to add an additional level of management to the process of laying out a factory - you can't just plop machines down with careless abandon anymore. And the other is that it allows me to gate-off some of the more advanced parts of the game behind either some extremely power-hungry machines, or those that require some form of exotic power generation. I personally prefer the latter, but we'll see how it pans out.

As for other developments, you may notice I've changed the look of the selection mode. I decided to get rid of my slightly off-center selection rectangles and do proper 'grown up' game development outlines instead. I said 'development', but in reality it was just using a free asset to achieve the desired effect. I'm not great with shaders in all honesty, so it was better to lean on this as an already-solved problem and focus my efforts elsewhere.

With the power side of things all settled now I can concentrate on my plan for the weekend. I'm going to put a list later on of the things I want to accomplish, hopefully encouraging me to make the requisite progress!

Anyway, that's all for now, hopefully I'll catch you a bit later on in the next one where I can talk about what's next for the game 😁

[titanomarchy]

I'm going to do my best to recount the lore for Warframe, my favorite videogame of all time. I think I'll do so in chronological order, as best as I can (time gets wonky, especially with the upcoming 1999 update). This might end up as multiple posts depending on how in-depth I ramble and how much Tumblr lets me.

In our far future, there is the Orokin Empire. Humans have expanded to the whole of the solar system. The Orokin - true Orokin - stay in power through a process called Continuity, where they dominate the mind of another person until their identity is erased, and only the possessor remains. The Orokin would never die. Continuity is fueled by Kuva, which itself I believe is refined from Void radiation. Manual labor within the Empire is either done by the locals, or cloned workers called Grineer, but definitely not by Orokin.

It was the Orokin Executor, Albrecht Entrati, who began proper research into the Void. Others viewed it simply as its name - an empty space. In his experiments, Albrecht entered the Void properly and gazed into the starless black. It gazed back. Something in the Void had taken on the appearance of Albrecht, and referred to him as "little bengal", which nobody had called him since he was a child, quite possibly centuries ago. The thing reached out to him, and in his panic Albrecht left the Void as soon as he could. As the gate closed behind him, the Thing left behind massive severed fingers. The process blinded Albrecht and left him insane for a time. He was unsure if it was Albrecht that left the void, or that reflection of himself.

The fingers would serve as the basis for Void travel. Solar Rails and Railjack ships would be able to travel through the Void, using it as a wormhole to speed up travel.

The Orokin were in trouble. The general populace may have known it, might not. But resources in the Sol system were running low from rampant Orokin consumption. They needed a plan B. Drones with the ability to adapt were made, and tasked to build a Solar Rail from Sol to the nearby habitable Tau system. These drones were designed with a flaw - the Void was poison to them. Life continued as the plan proceeded.

Multiple outbreaks of the Technocyte Virus, or Infestation, ravaged the system. A viral nanomachine, Technocyte melds flesh and metal, the process is extremely painful and results in lost sanity.

The Solar Rail to Tau finished. It was time to send the first colony ship, Zariman 10-0. In order to make the jump, several safety features would be disabled. Riots ensued on the ship, but were put down. The agri-biomes were sabotaged, and the Orokin simply cast them off. As may be expected when safeties are disabled, things went horribly wrong.

Paranoia gripped your father's heart, "Something's out there kiddo, watching us." One by one, the adults went insane. Everyone except the children. Parents hunted their children, kids did what they had to to survive. As you check in with the other children, you meet someone who looks just like you. They offer you a deal. You can save them, Kiddo, but you have to mean it. You take the deal. Part of you is now Void, as is the case with all of the other children. You manage to survive until the ship returns to normal reality, near Saturn. It has probably been months in the Void, its hard to tell.

You and the other survivors are called Tenno, derived from the Zariman's serial code. You are also called Demons, and reviled due to your new nature. Executor Ballas wants you executed, and Executor Tuvul would likely agree. But Margulis, Ballas' secret lover, takes you in. Through a form of therapy, she blocks out your pains from the Zariman, but also a part of your powers. She serves as your surrogate mother until her execution for treason. The Tenno are put in cryosleep.

The drones from Tau return, having taken the long way at first. Their adaptation leads to consciousness and sentience. The Sentients realized that the Orokin would ruin the world they built for them in Tau, so war began between the machines and the Orokin. Orokin war-robots turned, being hacked and subverted by the Sentients. The Orokin tried to weaponize the Infested, and it did not work. Next they built Necramechs, machines that were shielded from Sentient influence. But they were slow, clumsy, and unintelligent. Zero-Tech Grineer and Dax soldiers were used, but died quickly. It is a losing battle, until a pair of scientists notice something strange. An infested specimen that had escaped quarantine was murdering other scientists, rampaging through the facility. Until it suddenly stopped at the bay where some Tenno were held.

They called it Transference. A process similar to Continuity, but the possessor still retains their original body. If properly attuned, a Tenno could remotely operate Infested. This lead to the Warframe Initiative, headed by Executor Ballas. A special strain of Infestation was developed, resulting in the super soldier body that would be paired with Operator minds. The tide of the war turned. Guided by the Lotus, who looked suspiciously like Marguilis, the Warframes were essential to victory. A mix of strength, speed, intelligence, and Void. But the Orokin, as befitting the ruling class of an empire, were cruel. Wasteful. Unjust. They bit the hand that saved them. This resulted in the slaughter of the Orokin elite, mass-spread of Technocyte, and a Grineer slave-riot that led to the end of the Empire. With this final act, the Tenno disappeared.

The Grineer rose to dominance in the Sol system. They learned primarily cruelty and hate from their former masters. An army of clones of clones, serving their twin Queens. One by one, planetary systems fell under Grineer dominion. Colonies claimed, used, and absorbed. Slightly more than half of the habitable planetoids would be under their command. Most of the remaining half is controlled by the Corpus, a hyper-capitalist cult that worships money above all else. While the Grineer have significantly less developed tech, they have numbers to make up for their losses. The Infestation has claimed Deimos and Eris.

This brings it up to... right before you start playing. Quite frankly, I don't know if I have the energy to do a part 2 anytime soon.