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Déjà Vécu: Cough Syrup

Chapter Thirty-Six : Cough Syrup

Characters: Remus Lupin/Reader, Sirius Black/Reader (no use of y/n), James Potter, Petter Pettigrew, Regulus Black, Marlene McKinnon, Mary MacDonald, Lily Evans

Warnings: 18+ Only, Minors DNI.

TW for this chapter: mentions of abuse, mentions of SA, use of the word r*pe.

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The sound of muffled voices buzzed close-by, along with the smell of Earl Grey and laundry soap. She groaned softly as one of the voices drew closer.

“Shhh…it’s okay.”

A gentle hand ran over the top of her head. Eyelids cracking open, the blurry image of Remus came into view. She lifted her head and tried to gaze around; the mismatched furniture paired with the homey smell signaled they were at Molly and Arthur’s house. “Relax, we’re safe.”

Groggily, she blinked at him, “W-what happened?”

“You were stupefied.”

She groaned again, shutting her eyes, “Fuckin’ Barty…”

Remus let out an exasperated chuckle, “You also got a nasty slice on your arm thanks to one of ‘em, but Molly was able to patch it up as best she could.”

Moving slightly, the pain in her arm had definitely dulled, though she now sported a large bandage wrapped around her bicep. “How’d we get back here?”

Remus sighed; he looked so tired. “I caught you before you fell, and just apparated to the first place I thought of.”

She raised an eyebrow, “Which happened to be Molly’s house?”

He shook his head, “Great Russell Street.”

“…The British Museum?”

Remus nodded sheepishly, “You love it there…anyway, it’s not important. Once I saw no one had followed, I brought us here. You were bleeding pretty badly, and I just knew Molly’d be the best that could help on such short notice…”

She took his hand and squeezed it, watching the tension in his shoulders ease. Sitting up slowly, the room spun only slightly as Remus held her shoulders steady.

“I’ll go grab Molly, she’d want to know you were awake. Prongs is here too, he’s standing watch outside—”

“—he should be at home with Lily! The baby could come any day—“ Her feeble protest was silenced by a commotion in the next room over.

“—get the fuck off me, James—“

A dull thump, followed by footsteps.

“Where is she?”

“Calm down, mate. She’s fine, you can’t go in there acting like—“

“Where is she?!”

Sirius flew around the corner looking livid. The moment his wild eyes landed on her, every feature in his face softened.

“I’m sorry…“ she started, as he kneeled before the small couch and cupped her face. His grey-blue eyes searched for any and all injuries, falling on the bandage covering the better part of her left arm. Sirius’ voice was soft as he brushed her hair back, “We’ll talk about it later…”

As quickly as he’d arrived at her side, he was standing, turning to Remus. “You knew what the mission was, and you let her go?” Sirius’ voice began to take on a sharp edge, “You promised to keep her safe. We agreed.”

Remus visibly deflated a bit, mouth opening to speak before she intervened.

“He did keep me safe, he’s the one that brought us back here. Remus got us out—”

“You let her walk into a den of fucking wolves as bait!” Sirius shouted at his friend, not even acknowledging her statement.

“She wasn’t bait, she had a cover—“

Sirius let out a bitter laugh, “As what? A little werewolf-sympathizer, there to support her poor, bitten friend?”

“I work for the Ministry you fucking asshole,” she spat, blood beginning to boil at the minimization of her efforts, “Or have you forgotten? Too busy trying to play the fucking rogue hero all the time.”

Sirius’ eyes were blazing as he glanced over a shoulder, “Better than playing a faux savior.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“At least I’m not pretending to be making a difference.”

A sucker punch to the gut. All air had been sucked from her lungs as she stared at Sirius, the love of her life, suddenly a stranger. She knew how he got when he was this angry; the words just spewing out of him with no filter and no remorse until after-the-fact. It was a trauma response, one that was built over years and years of abuse growing up. She knew that, she’d accepted it and vowed to help him work on it. She’d just never been on the receiving end before.

“Don’t fucking talk to her like that,” Remus stepped closer, fists clenched at his side, “Just because she’s not going around blasting apart Death Eater strongholds, doesn’t mean she’s not helping. This mission gave us a lot of valuable intel, and it wouldn’t have been possible without her.”

Sirius continued to glare at him, “You let her walk into a fucking ambush!”

Remus shook his head, “It wasn’t an ambush, everything was fine and under control—“

“Under control?!” She could hear the panic in Sirius’s voice, the shrill tone echoing throughout the room. For a split second, Walburga’s face flashed in her mind; a memory from years ago in Diagon Alley. The same tone Sirius’s mother had used to chastise her in the street was almost identical to the one he shouted at Remus with. The thought caused a shiver to creep up her spine.

“You let her walk into a room full of Death Eaters and fucking werewolves, without backup, and you want me to consider that ‘under fucking control’?”

She crossed her arms defiantly, “We’re fine. We just…had a little hiccup, but it all worked out.”

Remus nodded fondly, “Her quick thinking got us out of it. Everything would’ve gone smoothly if it wasn’t for Rosier and Crouch—“

Immediately, she felt the blood drain from her face.

Sirius slowly turned to look at her, and suddenly they were back in the Forbidden Forest, his wand at Evan’s throat. “Rosier did this to you?” He whispered.

Uttering those two names was like tossing gasoline onto an already blazing fire.

He snapped his attention back to Remus, shoving him back into the wall, “Evan fucking Rosier?!”

Remus stared like he’d lost his mind. “Barty is the one that hit her. Both of them are working with the Death Eaters.” For a moment, they were silent, the only sound being the clock ticking softly in the back of the room. It happened almost in slow motion (at least from her still-mildly-dazed state) but before anyone could react, Sirius had launched himself at Remus, pinning him against the wall. He grabbed him by the shirt and they both began to grapple with each other.

Surging forward, she ripped at Sirius’s arm, trying to separate them. “Stop, it’s over!”

Hearing the commotion, James rushed in and pulled his best friend away, not without some thrashing and empty threats. Sirius continued to glare at Remus from where he was being held across the room. The latter stared back, in a state somewhere between rage and confusion and hurt.

She didn’t move, just watching as Sirius’s began to burn from the inside. A muscle ticked in his jaw as he inhaled a deep breath.

“They still don’t know, do they? Just another one of your little secrets you seem so keen on keeping…” He was going for blood, something she should’ve expected; Sirius always bit back.

“Stop…” the plea came out as a whimper, tears beginning to fill her vision. Remus shifted beside her.

“Why don’t you tell them? Tell them what happened in the forest—“ Sirius cocked his head, taunting her. There was a sheen of cruelty in his eyes, one that had become more frequent as the war raged on. It was the same one she had always seen in Regulus.

“Tell us what?” Remus looked between the two of them, the tension in the air close to catastrophic levels. She shook her head slowly, eyes shooting daggers at Sirius.

He held her gaze as he fired the killing blow, “About how Rosier tried to rape her during 6th year.”

“You’re a fucking bastard,” she hissed, fists clenched as she tried to not wrap both hands around his throat.

Sirius ignored her, “Rosier, Crouch, and Mulciber lured her into the forest and held her down—” Remus had gone pale. “—and you let her walk into an unsupervised, unarmed, unprotected meeting with two of them. Way to go, Moony.”

She couldn’t stand being in the room anymore, not as Sirius spewed his venom, not as Remus and James looked at her with such pity that she wanted to throw up. Pushing past them, she fled toward the front door and out into the night, breath coming in giant heaving gasps as she spiraled into a panic.

———

August 1st, 1980

The morning after the mission, she woke up in Remus’ bed, her best friend sprawled beside her with his arm wrapped protectively around her body. After apparating back to the flat the night prior, she’d fallen asleep curled on the floor of his bedroom, having cried so hard it was surprising she hadn’t vomited. Barely lucid, she vaguely remembered him entering the room quietly and carrying her to his bed. She’d been staying in there ever since, barely leaving out of fear of seeing Sirius.

Slipping out of his bed a few days later, she grabbed one of Remus’ sweaters from the floor and threw it over her t-shirt to ward off the morning chill (or was that a side-effect of the numbness she felt in her bones). The flat was quiet as she padded down towards the kitchen, desperate for a coffee. Her bedroom door was open, the bed vacant as she cautioned a glance inside; the covers were rumpled, and she didn’t miss the almost-empty bottle of firewhisky on the bedside table. The living room was empty as well. Sirius wasn’t here. She didn’t care, nor did she want to waste the energy trying to worry about it.

The nutty-rich smell of coffee filled the small space as she leaned against the kitchen counter, trying to quiet the buzzing in her head. The scent must have reached the back bedrooms, because no sooner than she’d poured a cup, Remus trudged in, rubbing his eyes and yawning widely. He placed a gentle kiss to her head, pulling another mug out of the cabinet and helping himself. They sipped in comfortable silence on opposite sides of the kitchen, a lot left unsaid from the other night, neither wanting to touch it with a 200-meter pole at the moment.

“He went to Peter’s,” Remus muttered.

“I don’t care, Moons,” she sighed.

He hummed, “Yes, you do.” She shot him a glare as the mug was brought to her lips.

“Lily had the baby last night,” changing the subject, he set his cup down on the counter, a tiny bit of hope gleaming in his eyes.

She almost dropped her mug, “What?! Why didn’t you tell me?”

He shrugged, and she caught the pity in his expression briefly, something that hadn’t been there until recently. She hated it.

“You were sleeping when James sent word, I didn’t want to wake you.”

He’d been doing that a lot the past few days, letting her sleep for hours upon hours, knowing she was doing it to escape. She swallowed and avoided his eyes.

“Prongs is a dad,” he said in whispered disbelief, shaking his head slightly.

“Jesus, that’s terrifying,” she laughed, eliciting a grin from Remus.

“We’re going over today to see them…all of us,” he said quietly.

“Bold of you to assume I’m joining.”

He gave her a sidelong glance, “We both know you’d never miss the opportunity to meet Lily’s and James’s baby.”

One eye roll later, they finished their liquid breakfast and began to prepare for the day, her ears constantly searching for the sound of a distant motorbike engine.

———

Later that day, her and Remus apparated to the Potter’s in silence, Sirius and Peter traveling separately. The second they arrived on the doorstep, she ran inside without so much as a knock. James was waiting in the entryway.

“Hiya,” he grinned. She’d never seen him glow like this, light practically radiated out of every pore of his body.

She threw both arms around his neck, “Congratulations Jamie!” He hugged her back, swaying them both.

“Thank you, he’s…he’s perfect,” he had tears in his eyes as she pulled away.

“Where’s Lils?” She was anxious to see her friend, and the newest little addition to their band of marauders. James motioned up the stairs, and she quickly bounded up to the second floor as quietly as possible to not wake the baby. Soft voices could be heard coming from the last room at the end of the hallway, and she followed the sound to find her friend reclining on a large four poster bed, a small bundle cradled in her arms. As she pushed the door open wider, she recognized the familiar scent of smoke and spice, goosebumps cascading up her arms as she tried to ignore it. Sirius sat in an armchair near the top of the bed, eyes shooting to her as she entered.

Lily looked up, “Hi,” she smiled. Remus and James entered the bedroom quietly, while she moved to sit beside her friend on the bed.

Lily moved the blanket to show off the baby’s chubby little face and unruly dark hair atop his tiny head.

“Oh my god,” she whispered, “Lily…he’s gorgeous…” Tears welled as her friend beamed, the baby stirring in her arms.

“Want to hold him? He’s very calm, I’m almost worried that he’s not James’—“ Lily shifted to place the baby into her waiting arms, “—I’m joking darling, relax.” James was giving her a non-amused glare from across the room. Lily sat back against the headboard, watching as her friend held her son.

“Meet Harry James Potter,” Lily smiled at her. Baby Harry nuzzled into the blankets, and she leaned down to kiss his forehead.

“Hi Harry,” she cooed, running a finger over his soft black hair, “Welcome to this truly bizarre, but incredibly loving family.”

Remus chuckled from the foot of the bed, shifting closer to get a look at their friend’s new baby. Sirius moved to sit beside her (a bold choice if she was honest), peering at the little boy held in her arms. She could feel his body heat like a homing beacon calling to her.

“I think he looks like you Prongs,” Sirius brushed a gentle hand over Harry’s head, “…how unfortunate.”

Lily giggled.

“I swear Pads,” James said with barely restrained annoyance, “if you weren’t inches away from my son right now…”

Sirius smirked, focus turned back to the baby. Harry yawned, opening his little eyes to reveal twin versions of Lily’s exact emerald coloring. He reached out a chubby hand and latched onto her finger, simultaneously gripping her heartstrings as well. Everything terrible was forgotten; the war, the fighting, the deaths, the uncertainty. All of it melted away as she stared at this new little life, the perfect combination of her two best friends. Sirius must have felt it too, because he bent down and placed a soft kiss to her shoulder, never saying a word as he ran another hand over Harry’s tiny head.

———

They apparated back home just before dinner to let their friends relax with their new baby. The mood between the three of them was still tense, but seeing Harry seemed to alleviate some of the animosity. Remus ushered her inside the house with a gentle hand on her lower back, Sirius following closely behind.

“Chinese for dinner?” Remus asked to no one in particular. Sirius made a grunt of approval.

“Get whatever, I’m going to shower and probably go to bed early,” she was exhausted from the past few days, hell, from the past few weeks if she was being honest. Remus didn’t press as she left them both in the living room to meander down the hall towards the small bathroom.

She let the water heat to near boiling before stepping under the stream, releasing an audible sigh as the scalding droplets washed away the leftover emotions. As she stood under the shower-head and inhaled the steam, the bathroom door opened.

“What happened to knocking?”

No response.

The door shut, and she continued her aquatic dissociation. The sound of shuffling beyond the shower curtain made her roll her eyes.

“Jesus Christ,” she groaned, “does nobody in this house respect boundaries?!”

Fully expecting the person standing against the counter to be Remus, she froze when she ripped open the curtain to see Sirius staring back. He didn’t say a word as he stripped off his clothes and stepped into the shower. She glared at him, annoyed at his audacity. His face resembled nothing of the toxic person that had appeared a few nights ago, returning to the Sirius she fell in love with, the one that would do anything for her. He said her name as barely a whisper, the sound of which cracked her bitter shell.

“What are you doing?” She asked, voice still grasping at the remaining rage she harbored.

He moved closer, hand itching to touch her, “Apologizing…”

“Doesn’t sound like it to me,” she stared up at him, the spray of water warming her shoulders.

He sighed, “Can I touch you?” There was an undertone of pain in his voice as he searched her face for an answer.

“No.”

“Then can I at least stand under the water with you, it’s fucking cold over here.”

“Also no.”

Sirius rolled his eyes and groaned, “Fine, I deserve that.” She hummed in agreement.

“I’m sorry,” he said, “I didn’t mean for everything to escalate like that, I just…I was so afraid, I had no idea where you were—“

She cut him off with a hand, “Being afraid is not an excuse for the way you acted, the way you spoke to me. You don’t treat the person you love like that, Sirius.”

His dark hair fell over his eyes as he bowed his head in shame.

“I joined the Order just like you did, we took the same oath. I wanted to go on that mission, no one else could’ve gone with Remus and I wasn’t about to let him face it alone. You of all people should understand that—”

“I know, I’m sorry—“

“I only lied to you because I was sworn to not say a word of it to anyone other than the people directly involved. God, it was eating me alive, Sirius.” She dipped her head back into the stream of water to center herself again. “We both knew the risks when joining the Order, we knew that we’d be under a constant threat of danger and need to make sacrifices—“

“What if i’m not willing to make some sacrifices?” Sirius dared to run a hand along her arm, ending with a gentle grasp of her wrist. The touch sent shockwaves rolling through her body.

“I’m not sure if we have a choice in the end,” she whispered, reaching out to trace her fingertips up his side. It was pathetic how much she needed him. It had only been a few days and she was practically gnawing at the bit to touch him, hold him, just be near him.

Sirius threw caution to the wind and pulled her into his chest gently, allowing her to melt against his body. She almost moaned at the contact, but kept her voice in check as she savored his warmth.

“I’ll always choose you,” he murmured into the top of her head.

She hummed in question.

He tipped her chin back to look him in the eye, “Out of any choice I’m given, it will always be for you.” He kissed her deeply, the rest of her anger instantly swirling down the drain.

Afterwards, as they laid in bed, tangled with each other, Sirius traced patterns on her back with his hand.

“I liked seeing you with Harry earlier,” he mused, eyes bright in the darkness of their bedroom.

She smiled at the thought of the little baby boy, “He’s quite possibly the cutest thing I’ve ever seen.”

He was quiet for longer than a few heartbeats, brows furrow slightly in thought. “Have you ever thought about having children?” He asked cautiously.

The thought of bringing a child into the world at the present moment was absolutely insane to her; how Lily and James were doing it was beyond comprehension. She exhaled slowly, “I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t ever thought about it. What about you?”

Sirius would be an excellent father, growing up with a family like his had shown him precisely what not to do, so she had no doubt he’d love his own children with every atom in his being. The thought made her heart swell.

Sirius’s mouth lifted at the corner, “I’ve toyed with it.”

She matched his smile, “A tiny version of you, with the same big blue eyes running around causing mayhem?”

Sirius’s grin widened, “I’d teach them how to fly as fast as her mum used to on the quidditch pitch.”

The image made her tear up a little. She’d never given serious thought to children and the future until more recently. War did that. The uncertainty of each day, never knowing if your friends and partners would come back home after a mission. Too many of them had been lost, too many of them had plans that were snuffed out. She didn’t want to feel sad anymore, didn’t want to worry if today would be the last day she made coffee for Remus, or the last time she spoke to Lily and James. More than anything, she just wanted the chance at a future, a future with Sirius.

She brushed his hair back from his beautiful face,”Let’s get through the war first, love. We’ve got time.”

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