#but that would alter a lot so idk
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maybe I should try writing f/f 🤷
what if i was very literally doomed by the narrative itself and you used your bloody hands to bend the foundation of reality and change my fate. and we were both girls.
#tom riddle#fem tom riddle#would be so lethal#would say#fem percy weasley#but that would alter a lot so idk
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danny phantom cast explorations and thoughts :v
#🧻 sharts#danny phantom#danny fenton#jazz fenton#danielle phantom#sam manson#tucker foley#i have like. other sketches of other cast members hidden away. maybe ill finish them up but#for now heres my thoughts on the cast! at least how i would do it#i never understood danielle being 12 when danny is 14. MAKE THEM IDENTICAL!!!!! RAAAAH#i have a lot of thoughts about danielle and non of them are canon compliant#i may just be rewriting the lore sorry#danny phantom is like r*wby to me#in which i rewrite the things i dont like#i will say a lot of the things im applying to the halfa’s is from an oc of mine#because i like the concepts and find them fitting#its not stealing if its from myself. its recycling#i think the one thing that keeps kicking me in the ass is danny's suit. its a hazmat suit but its vacuum sealed HAHA#i love both vibes of him in a tight superhero suit and him in a loose hazmat lookin suit with a mask or smth. for the creep factor#idk im figuring out how i would do the phantom alter ego. ywlma has me obsessed w it being elderich and scary though#wow. so many tags! LOL SORRY#guess ill die (danphantom)
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In spite of everything,
#fgo#fate grand order#fgo bhima#bhima#arjuna alter#junao#ttls gallery#just doodles?#im sorry for the messy sketches but tbh i give up on lining this#so im just leaving this as it is#augh its 4am why would i do this to myself- 😭 okay i just. i just LOVE them a lot#i was still a bit 'itchy' over bhima's voiceline for junao. i rly wanna imagine that it was hinting that bhima went in to hug junao#IDK HE NEEDS HUGS lots of it both arjunas need lots of it and bhima has big arms big build- like. do you get me? (deranged)#ok time to sleep
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this is how i imagine one of Mikoto's alters fronting for the first time around people (classmates, coworkers, whoever) playing out
#rambles#Milgram#Mikoto#(except itd stop at ''boku'')#tbh if we're trying to be ~realistic~ here. their system would prob be more than just Mikoto Orekoto and Greenkoto (idk what ppl call him)#like i aint never met another system that only consisted of 3 alters (who hadnt purposefully been working towards fusion)#that would be a lot to have to write and sort out though so i dont blame yamanaka and deco at all for keeping it at 3. hey better than 2!#(assuming trikoto theory is correct)#so this ''post'' is not about any of the 3. but the secret fourth/fifth/sixth/etc alter#idk i just think pronoun misuses would be funny in this context#alter trying to imitate Mikoto as best as they can then BAM ''watashi''/''ore''/''[insert any of the dozen pronouns]''#do you see my vision
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thinking about the possibility of jesse's power boost during the final fight sequence coming at least partially from her status as a living legend among random bureau staff
#much like the service weapon following the director there is literally no evidence in game directly pointing to this that i can think of#it would just be neat#like i mean imagine being in that situation some horrible thing is turning all your coworkers into monsters youre pinned down#getting your ass handed to you and suddenly this random woman youve never seen before in civilian clothes literally *swoops* in#and fucking obliterates the lot of them in minutes displaying parautilitarian abilities orders of magnitude greater than any before recorded#shrugging off any injuries#and then she goes to the control point and apparently forces the building back to normal through sheer force of will#and then just fucks off to the next place?? maybe stopping to grab some sensitive documents on the way bc whos gonna stop her#obvs knowing shes the director would explain at least some of it but the automatic acknowledgement doesnt happen until she tells people#her name -- we see that several times#and shes certainly not stopping to chat with every ranger or security guard#anyways to my original point theres ample evidence that something making an impression on many peoples pysches will create/enhance#altered items/oops and if that wouldnt create a strong impression idk what would#there would definitely be a lot of hearsay floating around about her whether people are aware shes director or no#i just love thinking about the alternate perspective its so buckwild#would love to hear anyone elses take on it as well#control#control remedy#control 2019#original
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Today, Beck's been saying that I ruined everything, I was supposed to be the happy one. Friday and him both say the at I ruin things pretty frequently but this one hurts a bit. He's saying it in context to one of the collective delusions, but my brain just keeps applying it to everything. I just feel like that happens a lot. I'm supposed to be the happy one, I'm supposed to be the happiest in the room. Not like, in the moment but in a general sense. I feel like I've failed people by having trauma. Friday calls me a ruiner all the time. I ruin people and places and ideas and things. I ruin the vibes. I don't want to be like this. I don't want to be like anything. I'm gonna sit in the sun tomorrow and see if that helps. I love having emo songs Bob as my pfp. Light of my life in moments like this fr. It's just funny being all depressed and then seeing my pfp pic and reading it in his voice. Good stuff.
#I also want to start dreaming scene.... which I've wanted to do since i was like 12#probably more emo then hard scene but i feel like i don't listen to enough emo music to actually be able to claim the subculture#but im all talk. dressing like that takes money and time. i dont even know how much i get paid at my new job yet and im so sleepy tired#all the time#i feel like im really close to being on the right track but i keep getting thrown off right before i get on#i feel like a squished piece of fruit on the floor#i wish i would shut up tbh#friday broke up with autumn and henery. and idk why but im kinda feeling the pain from that more than either of them are#hes begging super distant now :( we used to talk a lot#he's so I'm consistent though I'm sure it will be back to normal soon#all the above mentioned are alters in our system lol
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//zeus week day 6 - offering
to offer one's body and soul - is that not the highest form of loyalty?
#not mcl#mia draws#zeus week 2023#hello. :) totally normal art piece going on here.#you THOUGHT that this would be a normal 'oh hehe offering him a gift or a kiss!' NO. NOT HERE.#there has to be angst SOMEWHERE and tbh this is the best way i could put it in :)#also i got new glasses today so my eyes are Adjusting(tm) so euhfkjhkdjhf trying to not draw completely out of my own style#but sometimes you have to break style for facial expressions#idk i like this one a lot. i think i cooked real fucking hard on the past three specifically.#yeah fuck it i'm gonna put this in#zeusro#because i can. why the fuck not. as a treat for me to come back to.#hhhhehehehehehehehehehehhehehehehehehehehehehehehheehehehehehe#hiro's route permanently altered my brain chemistry and i'll never forgive solmare for that. like HELLO?#can we talk about how hiro. going up to this point in his route was like 'pshhh this will be easy i'm not afraid of anything'#and then zeus gets put in a fucking coma because he protects him.#which IMPLIES THAT HIRO'S BIGGEST FEAR IS LOSING ZEUS. HELLO.#i'm so mad they never gave us that poly ending. the world would heal if they did.#wizardess heart#tumblr put my art in the tags challenge
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genuinely the only thing keeping me sane right now through my severe chronic pains is remembering that alter wouldn't think my condition is gross
#or if she would? she wouldnt care#like doesnt even have to be a romantic thing you know#anyway. apparently my case is so severe that idk if the doctors in my city are even qualified/skilled enough to treat it#so i have to call the nurses again tomorrow to let me speak to a doctor about my condition#this is just me rambling to my 3 followers hello everyone i love you#i dont know i just need something to think about#so i think about alter a lot because i love her#i should just make a side tumblr to write alter x readers or something during this
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Like I've said a million times before, I love Steven Universe and think its resolution of the Diamonds fits well with its overall themes and its only big issue is that it was rushed (due to circumstances outside the crew's control). But I wonder why I'm cool with Steven talking the Diamonds into reforming while rolling my eyes at The Falcon and the Winter Soldier having Sam do essentially the same thing to the GRC and the senators.
#maybe it's because su is established as more idealistic with themes of reaching out to others and how it's never too late to make#a change for the better#while tfatws is meant to be more Realistic in a sense in that it deals with the political ramifications of the Snap#and attempts to pull a Reality Ensues by exploring things like the consequences of such a universe altering event#or the realities of what it would mean for a Black man to take up the captain america mantle in an america that has historically#(and currently) oppressed minority groups#etc etc#so the conclusion being 'sam gives the senators a stern talking to and they agree to stop forcibly deporting people'#feels a lot more unearned?#idk.#i'm still mulling this over#s says some words#anti mcu#ig
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kurama and hiei WOULD cover vocaloid together.
#i think kurama at least would like vocaloid a lot and then drag hiei down the rabbit hole because yknow. gay people#and idk it just feels like theyd cover vocaloid!!! i mean dude a tale of six trillion years and one night is RIGHT THERE!!!#that song is LITERALLY about hiei i am TELLING YOU#but then ghost rule feels so kurama in my mind#and theres just so many songs i feel like theyd cover together or individually!!#like worlds end dancehall? listen man i WILL explode right here and now#also kurama would cover jibeta travel by himself#theyd cover two breaths walking i just KNOW they would#i prefer their sub voices over their dub voices so most of this is going off of that#but like!!!! harmonies dude!!! their voices could compliment each other SO WELL#they would cover ikanaide together and it would sound so pretty#kurama would force hiei to cover salamander#also hiei would do karakuri pierrot on his own#call me insane because i am but like hear me out okay#kurama cover of idsmile??? i would DIE#i mostly have ideas of songs kurama would cover#i think theyd do a MEAN alter ego cover#yes im a proseka fan why do you ask#theyd cover cutlery together but i think kurama would have to do the primary vocals because hiei couldnt sing that high#also of course hiei would cover usseewa i mean look at him#maybe i should list these in a doc or something#because theres still more and i need to stop typing them out ij the tags
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idk why I'm posting this here but it's fine because I can do whatever I want. sorry I think I'm having an enneagram type 1 moment. it's not mental illness, it's because of my enneagram type! can't help being a Gemini Enneagram Type 1
also I keep using the amulet's powers so I've been being hit with the after effects. such power deranges a man /ref
#milgran't#type 1 momence#btw as a prefacw this is not directed at anyone here. this is just. a thing. that is everywhere.#ok. anyway.#the....... Exotification of DID/OSDD-1... is always so annoying.#and like. i get it. i understand. its probably a difficult thing for many ppl to actually comprehend as a real human experience#which brings me to the main point of this Pussy-Rant (ranting in tags bc im a pussy)#i think. the main reasom its So Exotified. is. '''''''MPD''''''''#serioisky that name has done. so much fucking damage its insane. absolute wack shit#anyway yeah. like. the concept of it being Multiple People In One Body/Brain... when like... that's.. not really whats going on..#like if youre a system and that's how you understand your system to be. then power to you. i dont care do literally whatever#its just. i think CDDs would be a LOT easier for people to understand if--#--it was not looked at as the Multiple People Disorder. but instead as the Fucking Extreme Compartmentalization Disorder#idk its just annoying seein ppl (who are probably very well meaning!) talk about the disorder i experience as if its bizarre and fantastical#~look wooooowwww this is something that can happen to the brain due to The Most Unreal And Most Traumatic Events!! crazy right?~#i am going to get the Evil Alter out here so he can beat you to death.#like yeah its fucking. sad and fucked up what has to happen to develop a CDD. and that should be acknowledged.#and many systems Have had to go through experiences that a lot of ppl can only fathom as being able to happen in fiction.#but.... its just so isolating and makes me feel Capital C Crazy 🥴#dear lord ive just been so irritable and frustrated lately... obligatory apologies.#ah. i think i suddenly figured out why this in particular triggers me so much.#god damn it it's always the fucking trauma huh!#<- spent basically all of elementary school and middle school feeling like there was a giant sign over my head that said--#--''this poor soul went through something so tragic! how awful to think that something that serious could happen to just a little kid!''#its the ''hey can you stop treating me as something helpless that needs to be fixed and just treat me like A Fucking Person'' feelings#but see this disorder is just so beautiful because in a week i may be wanting ppl to see me as a suffering freak who needs to be fixed#or hell even fucking tomorrow. who knows not me#.. ok im actually genuinely afraid talkimg about this is going to lead to her gettinf triggered out KDJSNKDJSNJD so im gonna. stop.
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beginning to wish i was exposed to queer internet spaces a bit later so i could have just existed for a while, its really hard to think about my gender when I haven't spent a single period of time not analyzing it since i was 13
#idk i think i could have used at least a couple years of just iding as a cis allo lesbian to see how it felt#like before even thinking about other possibilities#idk having id'd as aro for my entire teen years and never really considered my identity before claiming that term made it really hard#to realize that wasn't the case at 17-18#and i wonde if i had just been gay for like a second if i could have skipped that#and now I'm re-questioning my gender and I don't even know#at this point i think even if i had had the possibility of being cis at some point my perception of gender is so fundamentally altered#from trying to fit myself into boxes for like 7 years#that it still would not be remotely the same as the gender of a cis woman#idk I've been consuming a lot of lesbian content#and feeling somehow detached from cis lesbian circles is weird because I'm getting to a point where lesbian is my primary identifier#so i want to fully connect with that#but my experience is so different from a lot of people#because i never got to be a teenage girl#or let myself be one? idk#idk if i even id as a girl or a woman now at all i just wish things were less complicated#feeling dyke feelings generally#*when i'm screaming at the sky
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character design pet peeve but like. every single time i see a character with wings or a Wing AU I'm like. okay but how do you put shirts on though. how do you comfortable wear a lot of clothing with a chracter that has wings. why does the shirt seemingly wrap around the whole body even though the wings, which are based off a bats wings, seem to literally be in the way and now you have some weird fucking paradox going on with the wings and the shirt (i have been guilty of this but only because my brain wasn't working at the time).
like. i don't wanna hear "oh just don't think about it it's not important lol" actually it is important TO ME. there is a reason my character baphomet doesn't wear anything besides a loin cloth: HE LITERALLY CAN'T WEAR ANYTHING ELSE. He would need somebody to help him custom design a shirt that he can put on his body himself that he would inevitable end up not wearing because it would be too much of a hassle and probably be uncomfortable for him since he's never worn a shirt before in his life. i'm just like. maybe the body parts that alien and/or fantasy creatures have would make clothing a fucking stupid hassle that's not worth the effort? do we care at all about what they would actually experience or proper world-building or are we just too absorbed in our human experience which includes wearing clothes a lot.
#ash's personal tag#like come on. i saw a wing AU for like batman or whatever and i was just like. what do you mean in a society of winged people-#they don't help each other put their clothes on?#like. i'm sorry but the body parts that you have DO IN FACT ALTER THE SOCIETY AND CULTURE YOU LIVE IN#if EVERYBODY had wings things would NOT be as they are in this day and age. history would've been significantly altered.#idk i'm just. people don't realise that body parts are huge deal in how humans and animals and shit experience and think about their life#j'onn j'onnz being naked as hell in his true form makes a lot of sense because. he's a fucking alien.#and clearly his people do not need clothes. so why bother with them at all. he only bothers with them because of human ideas of decency#even in his more subdued alien form that he has in the justice league he is literally just wearing shorts a cape and boots.#i'm sure he'd be naked as hell 100% of the time of he thought he could get away with it.
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#long tags sorry#rlly suspecting i have a specific disorder bc thats the closest thing ive ever seen that could explain whats wrong w me in a way that makes#sense but im also like. idk thats a disorder n am i. sick enough to qualify. also ive always been the type of person to assume i have somth#/self diagnose n i think ppl have this opinion on me that i do this overly.#which i dont blame them for its just im trying to find answers. my therapist has a very strange approach so she doesnt rlly tell me what#she thinks i have unless she thinks it would help#but in the case of this disorder (or whatever it is) i rlly need help for it so i think it might help to get diagnosed idk.#i dont wanna bring it up to her though. its so embarrassing#like. that sounds so stupid to say but its the kind of disorder where shed be like why would you ever think you have that. which idk im#assuming a lot since she was very nice about me bringing up the possibility of a CDD which she agreed i probs have#which was so embarrassing i split an alter over it actually.#but like anyway. for real this is kind of a disorder that nobody talks about bc of its nature i suppose or somth idk.#so i didnt consider it before + one of the symptoms is misunderstood so i didnt think i could have it but actually um.#im still thinking on it like im not rlly sure. i just want help so im describing to her whats wrong so she can help somehow#but its getting nowhere she has no idea on how to help me like.#last session she said are you still having feelings of alienation n i said yea that never leaves n shes like u wanna try n work on that n i#said actually lets focus on somth else (we started several sessions on somth specific actually) for now bc everytime we talk about it#it actually reinforces the feeling. n doesnt help and i feel rlly unhelpable about this n lost n idk what to do. n she was like ok#lorisys
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I gotta confess it is so much more fun talking to Sal as if he is a separate person like he wants and not a member of the system. He's super creative like. Its just fun.
#It was hard to understand because they were wrapping up a bunch of stuff kinda fast. and it seemed like they were introducing new#things too? The fight scenes were cool.#person with Delusional Disorder: so hear me out#playing a dangerous game#Were bonding over sailor moon#JK btw like dont worry. The delusions dont really work like that. You could say i guess that thats his personal delusion?#idk its kind alike a severity scale MOST if not all of us have the truman show delusion. to some degree in some form. the specifics very#and then certain alters have additional delusions.#there all pretty bizarre. like I think thats the category you could put pretty much all of them in#which is interesting#some of them are more whatever the one where you think people are after you is called#so technically we would be mixed type? but idk if we would even fall into the type-able like... because the way it interacts with our DID#at first i thought my therapist was totally bullshitting this but the longer im like. living alone away from family the more sense this#diagnosis makes?#esp cause last time i googled it there was like. no fucking info. jut the wiki page about how this disorder gets misdiagnosed in people who#are part of grand conspiracies and how when thats not the case theyre basically just doing it to them selves :/#but i guess theres more research now? or something because now theres like medical articles!! and they make way more sense and actually#align with what we experience so thats super cool#its still kinda like. Huh??? but i guess it runs in families and i can totally think of several family members who i think have this#I also had drug induced psychosis i think. so- interesting how my therapist was able to parse that. i should text him.#omg yeah so apparently Sal (or specifically one of his alters) has seen just the end and ive seen just the beginning!!#i know thats so silly and like. Too Perfect. kind of thing but its fun!!!!! He said it was confusing and he liked it but it took him a#couple watches to know what was going on.#he actually didnt know what season he had seen (other than it definitely wasnt the first one lol) so i read through the ep titles until#he reconized them. he stilll didnt reconize them really but like half way through the last season (I went out of order) he was like#“this sounds sorta right. there was a lot of space fighting and stuff”#he had to think about it for a minute because i guess he just hadnt consider that that was the end#he was relieved to hear that theres specials and stuff after#but maybe hes lying 0-0 thats always interesting !!!!#syst
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#i feel like were either seen as not a system at all#or completely a system#and theres so much ickyness to me about both these options#dont get me wrong plurality can be okay like im not anti plural#but i get this feeling that like#some people (ESPEICALLY people we knew in syscord servers)#see us fully as a system and like yeah i am but thats not all i am..?#like im roy sure#but me? im azi#and i wish people woulf start treating me like it#i get it when were blurry (which. we are a lot 😭)#but when i say hii its azi#just being called my name would be nice#plus like. i feel like im never going to escape my source#yeah sure i interact with the content because i love it#but i mean like#im ageless right? i also look wayy older than the body#so its not like i can just date someone our age#thatd be weird. i look so much older#and im not even searching for a sourcemate#its just. where else am i supposed to find someone that will be able to love me#genuinely really despise the idea of sourcemates#but im much more happy#with people thinking im just a kin of that person#than i am based off of them#but where else am i supposed to find a system with an ageless alter that looks like 40 or 50 😭#sometimes i hate being a system#i have so much more to say but might delete this idk#vent#azi core
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