#but that doesn't change the fact that i am broke now. which i don't even mind! to be clear!

[cosmogyros]

.

[tvhsleb3ww]

BLACKOUT! - OIKAWA TOORU

summary, both you and tooru woke up in the middle of the night due to a blackout

"GYAH!"

he squealed when he heard the sound of something falling on the floor. you clutched onto the back of his white t shirt. your heart rate increased as both of you and your husband walked further into the dark living room.

"walk faster, tooru!"

you groaned and smacked the back of his shoulder, making him grunt out an 'ow!' he pouts at you but you can't really see it due to how dark the apartment is at the moment.

"i'm trying! i can't see anything!"

he huffs out, stupid him he forgot his phone back in the bedroom. it was probably charging before this stupid black out happened. even if he did had his phone, it wouldn't be much help since the battery is dead.

a little while before...

when he moved to argentina for life, he knew he had to face a lot of things. mostly heat. though, he doesn't really mind a little bit of heat and sun exposure. he likes it, in fact. he likes how he looks hotter with tanned skin (self proclaimed).

but he didn't expect it to be this hot.

before he drifted to slumberland, his arms were wrapped around you, with your head on his chest. the proximity between you two was insane, but you both love it. he could've sworn he turned the AC on.

guess he was wrong when he woke up at exactly 3:45 AM with sweat forming on his forehead and all over his body at an insane amount. he furrows his eyebrows at the sudden heat, especially at night time. he fans himself with his white shirt that he practically wants to pry off right now.

he looks over to you to see you squirming in your sleep, changing sides every now and then. he could see that you were uncomfortable as well.

then, he figured that it was a blackout. he had that idea when he looked up to see the fan wasn't moving an inch as it should be. the AC had been turned off and the hallway lights that both of you usually leave on at night, is turned off.

he sighed and ran a hand through his hair. what a terrible time to be having a blackout.

soon, you woke up as well and sat up next to him. a yawn escapes your lips, as you bring a hand to rub your eye. he smiles at you. even in the dark, he manages to see your beautiful figure.

"morning, beautiful"

he said in a light tone, obviously teasing you. you hummed, your hair is a little messy.

"hm, why is it so hot?"

you asked and faced him. you can barely make out his face due to how dark it is. the only source of light you have is from the moonlight that shone through your balcony. though it was minimal.

"because of me possibly"

he jokes, to lighten up the mood. you rolled your eyes and smacked his bicep, making him chuckle.

"i'm being serious here, tooru"

he huffs and feigns offense.

"fine, i'm pretty sure it's a blackout. the power is out"

you hummed to his statement, fanning yourself with your hand.

"can't really sleep now with the temperature. what do we do?"

you asked to which he smirked.

"we could make out-"

"absolutely not"

you scoffed and he pouts, though it wasn't a bad idea, you don't think him bruising your lips with his own is appropriate to do in these moments.

"ugh, it's so hot. i wanna rip off my clothes right now"

"doesn't seem like a bad idea, you should try"

you don't need light to see that stupid flirty smirk and wink of his. you rolled your eyes at him.

"we're in a crisis and all you can think about is getting laid?"

he yawns as he nodded his head and leans against the bedframe.

"well, you're to blame for my thoughts"

you shook your head and before you can say anything to him, the sound of glass hitting the floor echoed throughout the apartment, making both your eyes widen.

he swears his heart rate increased and beated in an insane pace. his face starts to lose a little colour. oh god, he hates these kind of scary things.

the second that sound broke out, he clutches onto you for dear life. his arms wrapped tightly around your body as your cheeks squished against his chest.

"mmf- tooru! it's hot!"

"i can't let go! i'm scared!"

he squeaks and you huffed.

"it's probably nothing, calm down"

"oh yeah? i don't think 'nothing' can push off something until it breaks, darling"

you glared at him. seriously, it was amusing to see this buff and confident man getting all scared at what may possibly be something scary.

you were a little scared too, you weren't gonna lie.

"we should check it out"

"WHAT? are you insane!?"

you nodded to which he just whined at you. you pry off his hands off your body to get up from the bed, quickly searching for your phone.

"wait! you're not being serious, are you?"

he pouts when he sees you stood up next to the bed. you sighed when you couldn't find your phone.

"i am! i have to see what broke"

"and leave me here? alone!?"

he squeals when you scoffed at him and walk towards the door. he yelped and quickly escaped the bed to join you, his hand clutched on your arm.

"(y/n), baby, honey, as much as i love how crazy you can get and how hot you are when you do so, i don't think this is the right idea"

you huffed and grabbed his hand with your own.

"cmon, we'll go together, okay?"

"i'm too young to die! i wanna experience having kids, sending them off to college and beating that asshole ushiwaka-"

he rambles, as if he was going to die. you sighed. even at a time like this, he can be as dramatic as can be.

"it's nothing, i'm sure of that. i just need to see what broke and we'll get back in bed"

he pouts and gives up on changing your mind. as much as he wants nothing to do with this, he can't leave you alone. hell, he doesn't wanna be left alone.

which got you two in this position in the first place.

you clutched the back of his shirt, as both of you walked further into the living room.

"OW! i stepped on something sharp!"

he whined as he takes a step back to see the broken pieces. you sighed when you see the pieces of your favourite vase that your mother gifted.

"aww, i really love this one"

he hums and pats your back.

"at least we know what broke now. so, let's go back to bed, shall we?"

he says before grabbing your arm and leading you to the bedroom. before you could protest, a certain sound made you both freeze.

both of you let out a scream when something fuzzy ran through your legs. one of the screams being at the higher pitch, obviously tooru's.

"OH MY GOD! WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT!?"

he yelped and hugged you tight.

"i don't know!"

then a small 'meow' echoed.

and right then, the hallway lights turned on and so did the fan and the AC. a small cat made it's way to your leg, purring as it rubs its head against your calf.

he blanked out as he sees you patting the cat. how did that get here?

"aw, turns out it was this guy"

"what the- how did it get here?"

he pouted when he sees you paid attention to the purring feline. he clears his throat loudly, to get your attention.

"probably went inside when i was closing the door and hid off somewhere. it's so cute though"

he scoffs.

"yeah well, i'm cuter anyways. cmon! let's get back to bed!"

he whined and tugs on your nightdress. you rolled your eyes at him before taking the cat outside.

"you owe me consoling kisses by the way for making me go through such a horrendous experience"

you snickered before pressing a soft kiss on his lips, making him smile.

"okay, you big baby"

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

WIBTA for giving away a concert ticket?

About a month ago, my best friend (29 F) of 15 years and I (28 X) worked together to buy concert tickets for our favorite band, Twenty One Pilots. In the general confusion of both of us trying to snap up decent seats, we both ended up buying two tickets each for a total of four. The pairs of seats are very far away from each other and the ones she bought are a shit view, which is why I insisted on still buying the ones I had in my cart.

Shortly after the purchases (literally same day) my friend decided to gift the two tickets she purchased to a couple of our friends as birthday gifts and promised to pay me back for the second ticket I bought. I wasn't going to ask her for the money, she just knows she's in a better financial position than I am and we got the best seats we could afford.

About a week later, we got into a fight that has snowballed into something massive. I fully admit to saying something pretty horrible that she took a lot of offense to (I know I am the asshole in this fight. That's not what my question is about). She has since stopped talking to me completely and told a mutual friend that the friendship might not be salvageable. Frankly, I think this is an over reaction because she’s not giving me a chance to apologize and never explained to me why she was upset. She claims I broke her boundaries without ever stating she had a boundary. It really hurts me that she is blaming this fight on her perception that I have unrequited romantic feelings for her, which my girlfriend is also upset and angered by. Of course I love my girlfriend romantically and my best friend platonically. But she won't hear me out and is twisting the facts to make me sound even worse to our mutual friends. But it is her prerogative if she wants to throw away our friendship. She doesn't owe me a chance to apologize or reconcile, no matter how I feel about it. I am making peace with that, slowly.

However, she never sent me money for the concert ticket. The date is months away, but I don't know if she'll want to reconcile in time for it. If I were her, I would be pissed about paying a shit ton of money for tickets and not be able to go. I have no clue if she would revoke her gift to one of our friends or not in order to go, she's not the kind of person to go back on generosity. She was my best friend because she's an amazing person, but right now, I don't want to sit next to her at a concert I payed to see. The way I see it, I have a ticket to give to whoever I want now that she refuses to be my friend.

I don't know if things will change before the concert. I know I'm a jerk for how I ruined this friendship, but would it be insult to injury to potentially prevent her from going to see TØP because of it?

WIBTA for giving away the ticket I initially bought for her?

[vinestaffery]

hello!! if u can write illumina … can u pls write some general dating hcs? if u cant i completely understand :-) (if ur reqs are closed IM SO SORRY HHHH)

hihi!! thankyou so much for requesting :3 of course ill write these for you, i absolutely love headcanons because it doesnt run me dry quite quickly when it comes to writing oneshots!!! i hope these were good enough and i hope i was somewhat able to catch illumina's personality!!

ILLUMINA GENERAL DATING HCS

Illumina tends to lose track of time, like a lot. Sometimes, he doesn't even realize that you need to be sleeping and he would just love to spend time with you. He can't comprehend the fact of time itself; Day time and Night time are like hallucinations to him. If you were to correct him on such, he would utterly avoid any points you make or make counters, such as him tossing you around and ignoring each time you try to demand being let go. He absolutely loves how you get so mad at him for such a silly little thing!

He is very bird-like, and you can tell by his very bird-like notions. Sometimes he'll accidentally knock into glass-sliding doors and be completely confused. What do you mean there was glass infront of him? There's nothing there! Sometimes, you might even catch his cleaning his feathers at his favourite past-time. He used to get really grouchy about, in which you understood. At the start of your guys relationship, he was quite private, especially taking care of his wings. Now, he's completely fine with you doing so, sometimes even asking you to help.

He'd get really overprotective with you sometimes when you get to meet new people. He likes to let people know you are his. He is not willing to trade for anything about you, and you notice this a lot. Sometimes he'll wrap his arms around you, his wings slowly rising beside him and you and his chin relaxing on your head. He likes to humilate the other while embarrassing you, stating how much you and him are together, flaunting it in others faces. You set some boundaries around this and he followed, but he still likes to let his presence be known or noticed.

Because of your involvement with Illumina, and being his soon-to-be-engagement partner (I tried my hardest to make this as inclusive as possible I am so sorry), you were mostly greeted with gifts from many other deities. Deities such as Windforce, Venomshank, and even Firebrand and his two sons(?). They'll deliver care-packages to display their gratitude and that your always welcome under their care, even though Illumina is someone that they don't really connect well with.

Cuddling with him is one of your favourite things, mostly because you have the ability to embarrass him. Even though he's 7'0", you always big-spoon him. He'd always try his hardest to be the big-spoon, but in the end, he loved the attention you'd give him as he finally gets that big ol' sleep.

He is a horrible cook, but that's okay. Sometimes, it'd be hilarious bakings and dinners, and sometimes near-death from the house burning down. I promise you he doesn't mean it!! But he'll struggle so badly to impress you, which he always successes. You always tend to help him, in which he tries his hardest to shoo you away!! But in the end, the help is always met with great gratitude, cuddles and affection.

Illumina struggles with affection, I'm not kidding. Being unaware of his own presence and being someone so cruel to others, only to fall for someone like you? He struggles. He never had been this affectionate, on both giving and recieving side, but he's always keen to try. When he tried to figure out more, he asked Ghostwalker, someone he knew he couldn't go back to but he needed major help. Sure, they both broke off, but he was willing to try anything. Ghostwalker found it strange, dangerous but was somewhat grateful that Illumina was willing to change. In the end, Illumina came home and was in the most affectionate mood, taking care of you and also, forgetting to check up on dinner in the oven.

He does give you nicknames, but isn't too keen on big major ones. The ones he use the most is, 'My Angel', 'Princess', 'My starlight', or any other cheesy name that he can give you. He varies much and listens into other nicknames he can give you.

[somebody-got-murdered]

Ok listen, I hope no one's mentioned this yet, but I've been thinking there was something odd about the kiss in 2x06 since I first saw it, and I've just figured it out: The kiss is mirrored.

The short sleeve on Ed's jacket is on the right, and I checked back to see if he was just being subtly silly and switching it up for Calypso's birthday, but no.

When Stede grabs Ed in the doorway, the short sleeve is on the right like normal:

And then during the kiss, the short sleeve is on the left arm:

Now, was this a choice or did they just think the shot looked better mirrored when they were cleaning it up in post? I can't say for sure, but I'd like to think it was a conscious choice.

The horizontal flip lends a really nice cinematographic effect to this scene here. Mirror images in general can be unsettling when you aren’t expecting an image to be mirrored, even on a subconscious level. It gives a subtle visual representation of the fact that this moment happening right now, no matter how consensual and mutually enjoyable, is a little bit whack. It's not the right moment, they have not worked out everything they need to work out and they are both intensely vulnerable.

But emotions are running high, Stede has just betrayed the defining feature of his morality for Edward. If the defining feature of who he is is that he doesn't kill in cold blood, he has just demonstrated to himself, Ed, and the entire crew that Ed is more important to him than his own moral code. He must not even know who he is in that moment except that he's the man who loves Edward Teach. How simultaneously tortured and enraptured he must be. So it's gonna happen, even if it's all backwards, and we get to see that play out visually which I really like.

There's also an element of role reversal in the sense that Stede made the choice to kill when Edward wouldn't. Ed wasn't trying to outsource the big job on Ned, he was saying we don't need to do the big job, please don't do it, and Stede did it anyway. Stede is the real pirate in that moment. He made a choice to kill when he didn't have to. He broke the rules. He broke his own cardinal rule, and it's going to fundamentally change the way he views the world and the way the world views him, and the godforsaken scene is mirrored. Regardless of whether this was intentional or not, I am losing my mind

[lover-of-mine]

Hi, hi, hello, here I am again to sound insane about buddie. First, is this speculation? A meta? A canon adjacent fic idea I don't have the skill to execute? Wishful thinking? All of the above? I'm not sure, I just saw a pattern and my brain came up with something very elaborate that I will now tell you about. Also, maybe read this first because that connection is the one that pushed this into place, and if you want more thoughts on Buck and death.

So, if you're new here, I live in a delusional land called they casted Ryan with a plan that recently added a neighborhood called did they tell Ryan Eddie is Buck's endgame? so I'm always looking for something to prove me right because I refuse to believe someone accidentally set up what could be the slow burn to end all slow burns, and I found an interesting pattern after watching Abandon ‘Ships and things escalated. 

But the thing is that Buck and Eddie's relationship is tied with the concept of death. Both of them have very intricate relationships with death individually, but together too. I was thinking about the “we might end up real close” as the very dark joke Buck was actually going for, with the way if that grenade had gone off, there would be no telling them apart in the blast, but it got me thinking about the way Buck is signing up to die with Eddie. They both walk into that ambulance knowing they might very well not walk out, and the fact that they did, is what makes them bond. The wording of “you can have my back any day” is very interesting to me because Eddie is not saying “I will take care of you” he is saying “I trust you to take care of me” and that's a real intense thing to say to the coworker who was picking a fight with you half an hour before. But they bonded over a promise of keeping each other alive that they were forced to keep over and over again. 

And a lot of major changes in their relationship start with a deadly situation. They could have died pancaked on that building after the earthquake, and after that Chris got introduced into their dynamic. The truck explosion had Eddie reversing into being a medic to treat Buck even though it made more sense for him to be using his strength to help lift the truck. The tsunami started the realization that Buck loves Chris like he is his kid, and also had Eddie explicitly affirming the trust he has in Buck. The well made Eddie change his will. That warehouse fire on Buck Begins, Eddie is the first one to Buck's line and he's also waiting for Buck after he gets checked out. Buck saved Eddie's life during the shooting, the will reveal also established how well Eddie knows Buck. They got held at gunpoint together and Buck's automatic reaction to the gunshot is to run towards it because Eddie might be in danger. Buck broke Eddie's door down to help him after his breakdown that was triggered by death, and Buck also had a moment where he thought he would be finding Eddie's body. And Buck actually gives Eddie hope after it all by giving Eddie a good thing about the situation that led him to get shot. 

We established this pattern, but I want to talk about the lightning in more detail because, unlike any situation before, Buck actually died. Eddie doesn't hesitate to go up what's basically a wet lightning rod to get to Buck after the strike even though he had been thrown off the truck, Eddie also performs CPR even though he was driving the ambulance, and it is Eddie shocking Buck that gets his heart beating again. It's almost as if he was, I don't know, welcoming him back to the world of the living? (Ba dum tss lol this is mostly a joke but please keep this in mind)

So we have Eddie literally bringing Buck back from the dead. But Buck is not ready to deal with the consequences and implications of what happened to him, which is understandable, I guess, with his relationship with life and death, but Buck not dealing with it makes it so Eddie won't fully deal with it either. 

Buck is a passively suicidal savior baby and Eddie is a widower. If Daniel didn't get sick Buck wouldn't have been born and Eddie is the last one standing. And that's a lot about how they deal with death. Buck acts as if he's not looking for death but doesn't mind if death finds him and Eddie is burdened by the people he couldn't save. And the thing with Buck's death is that Buck realized that he does care if death finds him and Eddie thinks that since Buck is alive, he doesn't get to feel the grief for the time Buck was dead, not fully at least. 

So they were at a very interesting point where Eddie is constantly around Buck, and is the place Buck runs to when he gets overwhelmed, and Buck is extremely off balance over the fact that he did die this time and he's not sure how to feel about it. But since Buck wasn't ready to look at everything about his death, how he felt about it, how it affected the people he loves, how it took away his coping mechanism when it comes to being in danger since his reaction was always “but I didn't die” or “I didn't get the worst of it” because he did die and he did get the worst of it, so Buck finds a safe place to hide where he can look at his death through the eyes of someone who wasn't affected by it. 

I was always curious about why the cemetery scene happened in a cemetery. Why Buck and Eddie are visiting the grave of someone who didn't die on their watch. Why a conversation about Buck's feelings about death and wanting to forget it happened, happened in a cemetery. And the location of the conversation ties the conversation to the concept of death in the broad sense that keeps tying Buck and Eddie together. Not considering the breakup aspects of the conversation, the cemetery scene is actually about Buck running away from the way death made him feel, he is drawn to this person who thinks death is cool, so he won't have to see his death as a tragedy and now I also think there is a layer about making Eddie realize he needs to let Buck accept what happened before he can help Buck past it. 

In the locker room, Buck is talking about death as something that got boring since it was all Natalia ever wanted to talk about. We will never know the original plan for that relationship, but considering the focus on her being a death doula, I feel like that was always the point, put Buck in a space where he can look at death as something that's not scary anymore. But the scene also ends with Eddie welcoming him back to the world of the living. Eddie has ridiculous survival skills, Buck survived a lot, yeah, but Buck always ends up in these life-or-death situations by accident. He choked on bread, the bomb wasn't aimed at him, the blood clots were a very unlikely complication of the surgery he had on his leg, the odds of getting caught in a tsunami are ridiculously low, and he got struck by lightning. Eddie was out at war, he was targeted by a sniper, he saved his own life on the well, and he tries to pull people out with him. He has now learned to live with the way everyone he saved on that chopper died, but he even blamed himself for the one guy he couldn't save that time. Eddie is not afraid of death, but he is afraid of being the one left alive. Buck on the other hand is almost afraid of what it means that he is alive. So Buck's passively suicidal tendencies, something that Eddie deeply understands about Buck “you act like you're expendable” are something that scares him. Because pre-lightning Buck doesn't really care if he is alive. And since Buck wasn’t ready to talk about what dying did to him, Eddie doesn’t know that Buck now may want to actually live. He doesn’t know that Buck chose to come back, that he fought for it. 

But if death is now something boring, Buck can actually do something about being alive because he wants to. He can actually be in the world of the living because he wants to be, because he believes he has the right to be. He can actually find a place where he doesn’t believe his life matters less. 

And when it comes to Eddie, with the focus on Shannon that we got recently, he can also find a space where he’s not trying to find her. Accept that she was a big part of his life, accept he will always miss her, and find something new. 

Oliver and Ryan have been talking a lot about vulnerability and Buck and Eddie leaning on each other, and with the locker room conversation, their relationship with death individually and together, the fact that the cruise disaster is on the horizon and while we know Buck and Eddie were filming in cruise and out in the sea they are barely in the promo of it, my own Buck will drown speculations (you can read about that here), and the general they will be in danger on the cruise feelings, I think that could mean Buck and Eddie are moving to a place where they could be a couple that works. There’s a lot of talk about the friendship aspect of their relationship and we’ve seen that a lot in the first episode already, but they are chilling in this space where they can talk to each other freely, and getting Buck to a place where he wants to be alive for himself not for what he can offer other people and Eddie to a place where he accepts the people he couldn’t save without it narrowing the way he deals with his relationships. I talk a lot about how Eddie overcorrects, and one complaint Shannon had was that he wasn’t all the way in with her, so he goes too fast with Ana and might be doing the same with Marisol because he’s trying to fix that mistake with someone else, but accepting that what he has with Buck is its own thing that works, and all he needs to do is be open about what he wants could be the push that puts him in the path of loving Buck fully, the same way Buck just goes along with things because he mostly believes he shouldn’t be alive, so why should he want things, so to have Buck get to the place where he realizes that he has what he wants right on his reach, he just needs to ask for it is ideal. 

I made this edit not that long ago, and it’s almost a poem, about how Eddie doesn’t think what he has to offer is enough, so he won’t say what he means, and Buck thinks he needs to settle for what he’s offered, so he won’t ask for more, and how that’s an immovable object meeting an unstoppable force, and they need to move off that impasse for that relationship to work. And being in the world of the living together and finding the little things that make them happy along with all the tragedy that surrounds them, can put them on that path. 

Their whole relationship is about keeping each other alive, Eddie straight up offers Buck a reason to live, why can’t they just find a way to make each other feel alive?

I said up there about how Buck signed up to dying with Eddie by going in that ambulance, and with everything about Buck, Actually (i recommend you read this for Buck actually thoughts about buddie) and how he latched on to the way Thomas and Mitchell died together after hearing about the life they had together, it's important for Buck to realize that point is not to die together, but to have the life together, and I feel like Buck is in the path to understanding that, and Eddie is ready to be happy, this could be it.

They could be learning to be alive together and finding out they want to be together.

As always, if you read this, I love you 💜

[ancha-aus]

RealAgeAU Drabble - Gameplan

Hello! Another Drabble (second one i wrote) concerning the idea of Nightmare returning to his original form (Lovely Prompt idea by @spotaus )

First Drabble here Prev drabble here Next Drabble here

Warning, unedited and unbeta'ed. We die like my ability to spell anything.

----

Cross checks around the corner towards the street and waits for a moment longer before nodding "I think we are in the clear. We can talk here for a moment."

Killer just lounges back against a dumpster as he pants "Good! Cuz! I am not walking another step!"

Horror frowns as he searches his backpack. Slowly taking out some fruits "We need to stop this. We can't get the resources we need like this."

Cross groans as he rubs his face "I know I know. But we can't just settle anywhere! How do we explain..." He stops and slowly turns to look to the side at Dust.

Dust sits completely calm on the gorund, cross legged. Looking perfectly calm and content. With the still struggling Nightmare in his arms. Dust just sits there and looks at Nightmare with a raised brow and moves around a bit. Easily getting Nightmare to sit back in his lap with one of Dust's arm holding Nightmare around the middle wiht both arms trapped. And the second arm around his shoulders to pull him back easily. Nightmare looks grumpy beyond believe and Cross can't take it too seriously as Nightmare lost all his goop and corruption. All that remains is a perfectly normal and adorable tiny babybones.

Cross turns back to Horror and Killer and waits.

Horror looks at the scene before shrugging before turning back to prepare a snack for their now tiny charge. Looking calm as he moves.

Killer snorts "Why would we? Boss is tiny now. So what?" and he shrugs.

Cross groans as he rubs his face. He can admit that he will still need some time to get used to the change. But it is okay as he can accept it. After they found the old picture book and the just as old crown they had been putting together what actually happened. And well, even if they sometimes act dumb three out of four of them have university degrees of some type and Cross had always been one of the smartest soldiers.

That together with the known fact that Drema broke out of the stone young but grew up made the fact obvious.

It wasn't that they were in a situation of Nightmare having been deaged. They were in the situation that the Nightmare they had known had been an aged-up version of the real nightmare. Which is the very same grumpy babybones that Dust is holding right now.

Yeah. Cross just needs a bit more time.

Cross glares at Killer and focusses at the issue they need to actually fix "We know that!" he waves around them "But how do you think anyone is going to react to knowing we have Nightmare and that Nightmare is well... like this again?"

Killer hums and nods "I guess..." he turns towards Nightmare "How about a different name? What do you think Nighty? What can we call you?"

Nightmare glares with all his six year old force "Boss."

Killer snorts "got it tiny boss!" and he grins at Cross and shrugs "Guess that idea is a burst. anything else?".

Cross groans as he rubs his skull "don't you see the issue?! If anyone finds out about this they will try to take him from us and bring him to the Stars, if they don't just call the Stars!" Or worse. And they will think that killing Nightmare would be a reasonable solution to keeping him from aging up.

Killer actually glares as he radiates his blood- and LOVE-lust "Let them try."

Cross sighs as he rubs his face "what do you suggest we do?!"

Killer huffs "Obviously we do what we are doing now. We keep moving and universe hopping." and he nods.

Horror looks up with a frown "We can't do that. We will run out of resources. babybones need nutrients" as he says this he sits by Dust and Nightmare with the cut fruits. Nightmare focuses his full glare on Horror but Horror doesn't even blink. They have gotten used to this routine over the last few days and there is a good reason Dust and Horror do it.

Dust nods as he helps Horror by aiming the still struggling babybones "Not to forget his schooling. Now that he is young again he will need to relearn things. Can't do that while hopping from place to place."

Cross turns back to Killer and crosses his arms "See? horror and Dust agree."

Killer grumbles. "Fine! We find some stupid positive universe to hunker down in some abandoned building and do raids to get stuff. Easy!"

Cross crosses his arms "Still the problem of what we do if someone sees him. How do we explain that? people will think we stole him!"

Killer goes to speak. pauses and tilts his skull "I mean. Technically we did kind of steal him. Sure he was originally our boss, so ours. So we have the right to steal him again but still. Very much stolen."

Cross sputters "I! I wasn't serious!" well he was but not about the stolen comment!

Horror speaks up even as he feeds Nightmare, which Ngihtmare tries to fight but Dust is there to assist him. "Technically it wasn't stealing."

Cross sighs "Thank you Horror-"

"We kidnaped him." Horror finishes his statement as he manages to get Nightmare to eat a bit. Nightmare actually pauses and the stubbornness makes way for the much younger mind that enjoys the food and a tiny soft purr starts to leave the babybones. He doesn't struggle as much anymore as the second bite is brought over.

Cross stops and lets his skull fall into his hands "we are so fucked."

All three speak up "Language."

Cross groans louder. They are so fucked.

---------

First Drabble here Prev drabble here Next Drabble here

[k-s-morgan]

TGSTLTH related

Ok so I decided to do it here cuz I don't know will AO3 allow me to write essay hahahahah 😂😂😂

I don't even know how to start this. I've been reading fics for 13 years straight, like I don't remember the period of my life where I didn't read them cuz I always have some ship active and I'm crazy BL fan. Only a small number of them can make me crazy to the point I don't wanna sleep, eat, skipping my obligations, killing the pain and your sebaciel did everything. I haven't felt like this reading fic..,maybe ever? This is totally another level of me being fascinated by some writer.

I adore sebaciel, I'm in fandom since 2016 but the biggest problem I had with their fics is that - either people go too much OOC with them orr they rush up the things between them, going quickly with sex and feelings. It bothered me so much so I was crawling for good SC fics as crazy!!

After some break with SC, I came back to ao3 and saw your long fic. I started reading it but I dropped it after 3 chapters, I got bored cuz I thought you are gonna just re-type manga and do classic thing which another people do. Quickly, I got disappointed with another one and idk how but I decided to give your fic one more chance and dear lord......that was one of the best thing I have ever read. Maybe even the best.

Like, how smart are you? What's your IQ? Your manage to explain me some things about Kuro plot which I haven't udnerstand by myself. And the way you write Sebaciel relationship. That's everything I have ever wanted. Everything. They have normal conversation and that's it, that's all I need cuz there is everything. I feel electric every time when they talk, fight, do things together, goood the little touches svbjhsdjvbvbvbvbvbsdjvhbdf. I was tense whole fic. I read it for like 10 days, abandon everything until I finished it and now I feel sad ahahhaahha. But you are really something special, cuz I always used to say that manga itself is the best fiction cuz Yana knows the best how to create good Sebaciel energy. You, next to Yana, did the best job. You kept them as they are, never broke the character, and that's what I am most grateful. Slow burn, with drama and angst, love and attention, all misunderstanding, you put all necessary spices for 5 star meal. My fav part is when Ciel told Sebastian to add slamming doors to his most dramatic moments of his life ahahahahahahhaha 😂😂 I laughed like crazy, they are so precious♥ And I really wanted kiss to happen when Ciel lied Sebastian about another demon, that was sooo svbjhsvjhjhvbdf. But okay, you know the best, I trust you fully with this♥

The fact that they are ready to kill each other before they have normal conversation about their feeling is my fetish. I am in love with toxic things. Ciel ready to throw all game just to prove Sebastian that his value is not only his soul, right after he told himself for 1000 times he needs to stay on distance..... I LOVE ITTTT!!! I also need to say that you find PERFECT balance for good plot and romance. Your games and their cases...I just don't know, deep bow for you queen🔥💯After all, you didn't retype drama ahahaha but you manage to keep it canon without changing anything but still adding your spices so it's not ordinary Kuro plot we see every day....

I just have one question. From time to time, I was like a Bard ahahhaha, so sick of their games and my head hurting me, but on a good way. I am clear about Ciel but what about Sebastian and his disgust for Ciel's nicer, soft, emotional side? I know Ciel doesn't have it a lot, but would Sebastian still be grossed out about it as he was at the beginning of a contract or not? Keeping in mind that he is more and more obsessed with a boy?

So, that's all. I don't know how to use Patreon/PayPal, but for you I'll try cuz I only have credit card and that's all I know ahhahaha, I like to keep money in my hands😂 I'm sad about the situation in your country and all under - war countries. It's not bringing any good for anyone, specially for civilians. I hope you are okay and I wish you alll the best, the good karma must hit you really quickly cuz you made one person really, really happy here♥

Looking forward how will you finish this story, have a nice day❤

PS - this is the longest comment for fic I have ever left ahhaha, it's crazy how you got me sooo hyped up bjcvsdghvbds.

Hi! Ooh, thank you so much for your amazing, wonderful essay! I can't tell you how happy it made me! I think the electricity was already started being cut off when I got it, so I could see I have some really lengthy ask, but it wouldn't load. It was the torture of the most delicious kind :D

Like you, I've been reading fics for ages now, and the moments where I find some fantastic story that won't let me sleep or work or even blink are always the happiest and the brightest spots I remember. So it's extremely flattering to know that my story has become something similar to other people.

I love writing about smart characters, but most of them are definitely smarter than me! The benefit is that since I'm writing, I can think and plan everything in advance. In real life, I only wish I were as quick-witted and inventive. Alas, the best ideas and arguments come to me when they are no longer needed.

I love slow burns, and I love characters who abhor the idea of expressing their feelings, so Ciel and Sebastian have the most perfect dynamic in my eyes. I feel like I could spend the eternity just enjoying their Gothic world with their games, arguments, plots, and so on. Them antagonizing each other only to instantly team up against the common enemy is my most favorite thing in the world.

As for your question, right now, Sebastian would be thrilled if Ciel were to show a softer and more vulnerable side - at least in relation to him. Well, a part of him would feel the automatic need to mock him for it anyway, some habits don't die easily, but Sebastian's feelings have evolved a lot, plus Ciel is cold more often than he is not. So Sebastian treasures every word of praise, every hint of appreciation and need because they are so rare - he's come to crave them, and he has memorized all known cases of them by heart.

And no worries about supporting me! I really appreciate you taking your time to leave such a fantastic review, it made my day!

[deesseshesca]

Why am I emotional ?

And suddenly it was just me… FUCK it is just me. 

Good evening, pretty souls, today we are checking on your emotional scale. What is affecting you now, how can we fix it and how to minimize the damage in the process of doing so. 

ANNOUNCEMENT 

I will be giving full reading for a very affordable price (almost free) but there will only be 3 spots available. Stay posted on my blog, so you don’t miss this opportunity. 

Choose the image that’s speak to you and allow yourself to soak ONLY what’s reasoning with YOUR SITUATION 

Rules and Disclaimer 

I am the type of tarot reader to say as it is. Nothing is sugar coated but everything is send with good intention. If you are not ready to face some truth, you should vagabond somewhere else. 

TW: R@pe, S@cide

MINOR DON'T INTERACT WITH THIS POST 

MINOR DON’T READ THIS POST 

CHOOSE AN IMAGE

PILE 1

Two wands, Ace swords, Justice, Queen wands, ‘’Please unblock me … Yeah, that’s me calling you from an unknown number’’, ‘’ I have abandonment issues ! I grew up in a single parent household ! I had a rough childhood”

HEYY !!! Spiritual girly. I’m talking to earthy aesthetic girls. The one that smells like coco butter and vanilla walking around in a long skirt, crop top and too many jewels. When it comes to you, the cauldron told me about an opportunity that finally touches your hand. When I dive deeper into the message, I’m sensing something that took a lot of hard work and a lot of faith. For a long time it was just an idea in your mind for which you fought for it to materialize into the 3D. Congratulations babes ! A lot of obstacles came in the way but you stay resilient. That also was not easy since your faith was often tested in the meantime. I’m getting a new opportunity, a new career field opening, and the start of a new hobby/business. You finally have the time and funds to dive deep into a project. I’m hearing: ‘’I’ll be dammed if I let you fuck me up’’. At the moment, you feel a bit overwhelmed. Now that the gift is sitting on your porch, you don’t actually know how to approach it. What do you want VS what you need ? Your desires or your needs, first ? One is all about the action while the other path is all about trusting the process called ‘’life’’. A lot of people all of the sudden seem very worried about your actions. Acting like the decision you are making has a huge impact on their destiny. If I may, girl f them. If they paid attention earlier, they would have noticed you were not happy with your life . Now all of the sudden they care so much about what's happening to you. Like…Let’s be frl. You have to stand up for yourself. Whatever decision you make regarding that situation, you will NEED to voice it. Is insomnia keeping you up at night ? Well let’s start to implement some meditation before sleep. So you can be less in your head. Try to be more practical with your way of living. Rn I feel like you always looked like a baddie but it’s only recently that you actually felt like one.  Advice: Don’t slow down. Is easy now since you finally receive what you pray for, to relax and enjoy but it is only the beginning. Don’t try to accommodate or to one. Put yourself FIRST. 

Love 

The ex of your dude ( the fact that i did not choose a lover, sneaky link or even crush. Girl why are still holding on for. LOL. ) Is trying to get him back. And you really don’t give a damn. I feel like you don’t even want him. But he is stuck on you like glue. I think the thing that completely broke the bond between y'all is that he doesn't want you to be better. Like you announce him the good news and he knew you really wanted it. Now he wants you to let it go. BOY BYE ! BYEEEE! You don’t even hate him, you feel disgusted that he even thought his opinion mattered that much. Plus he keeps mentioning you change. Babe you did ! Don’t let him bully out of your shit. Now you are more sexually confident with yourself and bold with your boundaries. Him: You were more submissive back than. You: Now I have shit I care for. Advice: STAND ON BUSINESS. If he is block let him stay there. Yes, he is the unknown number that is trying to reach you. 

PILE 2

Hanged man, Moon, Ten pentacles (reverse), Tower, 1111, 777, ‘’I want a second chance ! Not being with you is killing me !’’ 

Heyy… pile 2, you are my TW pile. Before you get deeper in the reading just know it is completely fine for you to take another one especially if you are not ready to talk about it. To beginning , when I was channeling, I first sang a very happy song. Then a faint voice called for help. At that exact moment the card fell out. First let go of the struggle especially if you try everything and nothing is working. Take a moment to breathe. Is time to surrender to life and believe that it will actually bring you to a better place. Let go of the victim and become the warrior you needed from others. Start your healing journey, go to therapy, take your pills, do some journaling. I know when you are reading you probably smirk. I’m speaking with experience, babies. Is not going to change overnight. But as I am channeling, I'm picturing you in a very messy room with molding left over surrounding you.  I keep hearing ‘’ I was NEVER like this before’’. I know babies, I know how such experience can change you. You are FUCKING powerful. I’m not saying this because of trauma, that’s what I channel. You were always standing on your power and someone tried to knock you off your throne. One small change at a time, like cleaning your room once a week. Drinking one water bottle a day. Eating at least 3 times a day even if it is a snack is going to get you going. Right now, you must be feeling fucked up. Like he hurt you. He took away your spark,  why should you try to get it back. When such an event happens in people's life, it is re-birth. Is time to re-learn to live again. Choose your pace and take it day by day. Nobody truly heals from it, I can assure you that. But you can learn to live a thriving life despite it. Instead of going on the hunt for the old version of you, learn about this new you. Pay attention to your dreams, there is a message in them. Reflect on your inner voice. Don’ t allow others to dictate how you are supposed to heal even if what you feel right now is numbness. Stick to your guns since you are the only one that knows you best at the moment. A good opportunity or news is going to present itself in divine timing. You will be sitting in the right place and right moment. One of your wishes will come true. Something worth living will come out of this situation. There’s good luck heading your way. All wisdom gain from this journey would be very helpful to the community if you ever decide to share it one day. 

LOVE 

You are with someone that your friends and family don’t approve of. And the icing on the cake , you don’t like them either. You don’t want to be alone and you are too ‘’broken’’ for a healthy relationship so you are distracting yourself with that. Let me be the bearer of bad (good) news, this relationship will end. Your distraction will leave and reality will hit. One thing I see, they will play games in front of your face. They will even threaten to kill themself, just to keep you sucked in. Text them number phone for help online and move on. Don’t engage more than that. What is more fuck up, is that they keep you close just have sex with you. 

Song: Praying-Kei$ha

Loves classic English literature, read the bible just for fun, future witch

PILE 3 (18+) 

Lovers (reverse), Page Wands, Strength, Hanged man, ‘’I love your swag ! You are the whole package !’’,444

Hey…beyhives. I feel like, I’m only speaking to Beyonce stan at the moment. You guys are still bumping the country album of Queen B, like it came out yesterday. You guys are weirdly connected to my spiritual team because it feels like I was meant to read for you. Let’s get into it. People don’t realize how kinky you are, they know you are freaky. But nah… y’all are KINKY. You are a person that is aware of your sexual power and don't mind using it to your advantage. Your manners , your body, your sensuality, attract and please other people. You know what button to push. You are a very experienced  and sensual lover. Not shy at all, actually very confident. 

LOVE 

I feel like you are looking for a confirmation. Let me be. Your relationship has run it’s time. I don't even think y’all ever loved him. But he was the only one that allow you dual nature. I’m getting from the outside y’all are super cute, but in the bed a pure beast. You guy LOVE sex. You are scared that you are never going to find someone that will get you stamina without judging you by calling your names, especially if you identify as women. He cheated. Which made you extremely possessive and jealous. So you use sex to control him. I’m hearing: How DARE you think you can find better than me ! Advice : Start something new take a break from your love life and slowdown on sex for a minute. Usually if you have more sexual energy than usual it is because your body's calling you to create. Think about it: to create life we need to get nasty in the bedroom. Imma need you to get nasty in your career. Find something that is passionate about you  and go hard (ahahaha). Look at the bigger picture, you are way to focus on him. Feel the fear and do it anyway. You are fearful of rejection. That’s why you allow this man to take the best out of you. Find a new source of inspiration and shake off the blues. Right now contrary to what you might think, you are not sitting in your divine feminine energy. Since you are in such war mode, it is almost completely masculine. Plus, he doesn't care for you at ALL. But he does know that they will never be another woman like you.

Song: Haunted-Beyonce 

Platinum blond hair, very fair skin, very light blue eyes, luscious lips and round face. Face card is LETHAL. 

[one-and-a-half-yikes]

Another Day, Another Fanny Chapter...

Well that sure was fucking something huh? I promised I'd at least start talking about IM chapters on here instead of keeping it strictly to the discord server so here I am. Though most of this I already said, I don't mind going over it again, since I feel like I can better organize my thoughts on this.

Also there's no word limit, which is also great.

MY THOUGHTS ON CHAPTER 348: RABBIT REFLECTIONS

So to start, let's rip the bandaid off and just say that everything Fanny said to Vicious in this chapter was bullshit.

At this point in the story with how Fanny has been acting around Cuphead I hope I don't need to specify how Fanny is in love with Cuphead when there's just too much evidence to support it. She kissed him because she wanted to kiss him, not because she was trying to see what kind of lowdown man he was. If Fanny had truly believed that, she would have confronted him about it long ago, but she didn't and we know why. And on some level, I think she knows why, too.

I think it's much easier for a reader to imagine this chapter as a conversation Fanny is having with her conscious. Saying something like this:

Is not her responding to Vicious but to her own thoughts that weigh on her. That kiss has been on her mind for about a week. And her reasoning behind it has changed even moreso. This is her settling on a final conclusion. This is her convincing herself of her own convictions. Of her worldview. That what she did was right, that she didn't ruin something good because it was never good to begin with. So that she doesn't have to confront that ugly realization in the pit of her stomach.

That Cuphead doesn't love her the way she loves him.

That last part specifically. Let's look back at the screenshot yeah?

-"She could almost see Oswald's glare. It was all the same dance. A carousel of pain and betrayal, around and around."

It's a strange thing, isn't it? To bring up Oswald. To equate Oswald to her current situation with Cuphead. Because that is essentially what she's doing, isn't it? It may seem odd, but I do have a reason for why she's thinking that.

Rejection.

Oswald broke up with her and moved on with his life, and Cuphead literally ran from her. Literally the only thing they have in common here, is the fact that they rejected her. But there's another thing too.

"No, she shouldn’t complain. She was lucky she’d found a man with a decent job. Little fights like these weren’t going to end it all for them. Besides, it wasn’t like marriage was about love and all that stardust. She had tried that avenue, and it had ended in heartbreak. Definitely not worth it. Dumb rabbit." (Chapter 74)

The bold is obviously about Oswald. Now compare that to now. Do you see what I mean? She fell in love again, and she got hurt in the process. Nevermind that in both these scenarios the men were also hurt. Especially Cuphead who trusted her and from his perspective, probably assumed she planned on using him for her own needs. Just like Meg. Just like Natasha. And in that way it's very interesting the wording she's using to describe Cuphead, and also Oswald for that matter, rejecting her.

Pain and betrayal. Very edgy, it's giving listening to that one slowed down piano version of Numb that everybody made fandom AMVs to back in the 2000s.

But seriously, why those words? It's a betrayal that Cuphead wasn't interested in the same way she is? Painful sure, that's kind of how rejection works, but betrayal really?

Or.

Is it a betrayal to herself? Thinking of certain aspects of this chapter as Fanny talking to her conscious would definitely lead me to believe that that's partially what it is. She'd already tried the avenue of love twice and it's ended poorly for her, so why did she do it again when she said she wouldn't. Why now, and why with someone like...like him? Like Cuphead? It's absurd in her head. It's something she can't make sense of. Doesn't want to make sense of it either.

So the betrayal could be referring to herself. But, I also think it could be something else, too. But for me to talk about that I have to talk about Oswald and Fanny's relationship because even after a disastrous break up they just can't stay away from each other~

So even though we don't have a lot of context for their relationship, I'm going to go off on a hypothetical that the "betrayal" in regards to Oz is that he offered Fanny (either literally or just like, the idea of the relationship with him gave her that impression) a way out of the dark. From chapter 327 that her home life wasn't great, and she doesn't seem to have any high opinion of her parents at all. Even the mere suggestion of going back home after her break up with Oswald seemed like a worse fate to Fanny than being homeless.

Oswald betrayed her because he was her first love, and also because she was supposed to be living the good life with him. They were supposed to be together forever, but then he broke up with her and next thing Fanny's hearing he's got a successful career and a beautiful wife and kids. She left everything behind for this man only for it to turn out like this. In some ways I can kind of understand what she means. But then she applies this to Cuphead and it's a bit stranger.

Because Cuphead never did anything other than offer her friendship and nothing more. Of course, at the beginning, Cuphead did have a crush on her, but by the end of the Wonderful Winter book he's basically over it. But then I think back to that book specifically, and I think about their interactions throughout and wonder if the betrayal is because Fanny misconstrued everything about their relationship because of how he'd previously acted. Is it the case, that Fanny thought they were both in the same boat, using each other as a form of escapism. She even calls Cuphead out for this at one point and makes an observation about it. Did she think it was the same for him as it was for her? That the feelings were mutual?

And, okay I actually can't blame her for that part. Look, no matter how you slice it, Fanny and Cuphead were just straight up flirting with each other in the early chapters. Not to mention Cuphead asking to take Fanny out to dinner? The Christmas group date? The aftermath?

At the beginning, there may have been mutual feelings of attraction sure but things have changed since then. And even though Cuphead put aside his feelings for her for good, if Fanny had shown any form of reciprocity then maybe things could have changed, but she didn't. But even still it doesn't really explain how Cup could have betrayed her. It stumps me and I've had a good nap to think it through and it's still confusing.

[caffinedragon]

He knows what happened, he just doesn't feel like anyone would care.

This is a little long but it has been bothering me after i have seen several posts on how Halsin didn't realize what happened to him in the Underdark.

I have a different opinion:

Have people ever considered that Halsin talks that way about his trauma because of how little he believes people would care, and not that he doesn't understand what happened to him?

Now, I am speaking from my own personal experience as someone who has faced a lot of trauma(Nothing sexual thankfully) and who has been put in a semi leadership adjacent position during or after experiencing it, and let me tell ya, you quickly learn how much of a one sided affair that is.

From a young age I ended up being the person everybody in my friend group came to for advice and help, something I had taken pride in. However, I wouldn't realize how lonely that was until I was in my early 20's when the first time I tried to reach out for a fraction of that help I gave out back I got a response along the lines of, "Your life is so much better than mine, what do you need help for?"

And do you know what that does to someone?

I will tell ya.

You shut the fuck down.

You feel like you don't have the right to reach out for help.

Your the strong one.

Your the one everybody needs to look up to.

Your the one everyone believes is unshakable.

You don't need help.

You can do this all on your own.

Sound Familiar?

I am not in the camp that he doesn't understand what happened to him.

It's been 200 years at least and he didn't live most of his life in a society with social rules, forced power dynamics and complex politics and gender norms.

He knows what happened to him was horrific and wrong.

He knows how nature works. He studies it.

I doubt he is ignorant of the fact that the mind and body can operate separately.

He wouldn't be able to control his wild shape otherwise.

He tells you how he feared for his life and wanted to escape.

He explains how he was biding his time in order to survive.

Ever hear of undercover agents getting too deep and forgetting they were undercover?

But, despite this, he has also been around people long enough to notice how people might perceive his story.

he has interacted with people long enough to know that not everyone would be understanding.

I firmly believe that he talks the way he does about his trauma because he knows how people not only react to his physical appearance, but how they view him as this wise and strong unbreakable leader.

He said it himself, "People who see someone my size don't think i can get hurt or have feelings."

He talks like that about it because he has been made to feel that no one would care if he actually broke down.

To be able to do that, you need to trust the other person not to judge you or blow you off.

It puts you in an incredibly vulnerable position.

A vulnerable position Halsin couldn't really afford to put himself in due to everything that happened after.

Unless you have been in that position, you have no idea how scary that is.

And the only way to change that, is to find someone or someones, that allow you to be weak in front of them without judgement.

Which, even in this day and age, is very hard to do.

I am lucky that i have my best friend of 30+ years who let me realize that i had someone i could be weak in front of.

Halsin doesn't have and i think has ever had someone to be weak in front of by the time of the start of the game.

I know how hard it was to let my walls down at 36.

I cant imagine how hard that would be at 350.

If he can at all.

tl;dr: Halsin knows what happened to him was awful and horrific. He just believes no one would care if he spoke about it seriously because "People believe someone my size cant get hurt or have feelings."

[creedslove]

DESERVE IT - PART NINETEEN

Javier Peña x f!reader

Summary: gossip, wedding dresses trials and the visit of your mother who obviously doesn't like your fiance makes everyone really question if your wedding will happen or not

• PART ONE TO EIGHTEEN ON MY MASTERLIST

Warnings: fluff, mentions of smut and actual smut yay (unprotected p in v, ass play, butt plug (f!), oral f!receiving, fingering and SQUIRTING) breeding kink if you squint, reader's mom is a bitch, insecure!reader, insecure!Javi, fluff ❤️

A/N: besties, this one was a real hard chapter to write. It took me days to get it done and it wasn't even good, I don't know what happened, it felt like I simply couldn't get the story going, but in fact, I know exactly what happened: I am having a real hard time to let this story go, which is why I announce you guys, next chapter (chapter 20) will be our last one! It's time to give reader and Javi the happy ending they deserve it ❤️

5.8k words

The first thing you felt when you stirred in bed as you were trapped in that moment between sleep and consciousness, was Javier's boner pressed against your body. It wasn't unusual, it was a feeling you grew to love every single morning you woke up next to him, but with his recent absence once he left Colombia, you had missed it. It was just one of the particularities of your relationship that just made you and Javi… well, you and Javi. 

You rubbed yourself against his hard on, dragging whimpers from his sleeping face, you didn't mean to tease him, you just wanted to be closer, feel his warmth against your body, like you had longed for all the time you had to spend apart. His arm was thrown over your body as you felt him sinking his face further into your hair, giggling softly at how he just mumbled something in his sleep. You hadn't seen Javi relaxed like that in months, you liked it. He wasn't wary, his body wasn't tense or stiff and he didn't wake up at every move you made in bed.

You opened your eyes and took in your surroundings, you were so used to the old routine, you expected to find yourself in his apartment in Colombia, the old furniture, the mirror facing the bed, the heat barging in from the window, but instead, you saw the room was still dark, blinders closed, the disposal of the furniture was different, the decoration wasn't the same, but the mirror by the bed… that remained. Dirty old Javier, always showing his kinkiness in the slightest details. He mumbled again against your head and you chuckled, you loved this new dynamics you two had established ever since you got to Laredo, it'd been a few weeks now and you were adapting just fine. 

At first, you were so worried and anxious about everything. First of all, terrified Chucho would be annoyed at your presence, after all Javier just told him eventually one day you would move in with them and just a couple of days later you showed up there without a warning and he was forced to take you in. No matter how many times Javier tried assuring you Chucho was fine with it, you still felt worried about bothering him, you didn't want to make him feel uncomfortable in his own home and more than once you reminded Javi you would be okay with going somewhere else. 

But you father-in-law happened to be a real welcoming person; at first, he was serious, kept to himself, and he very often glanced at you, as if he analyzed you, trying to figure out if you were a good person or not. At first, it was obvious he didn't put faith into Javier's engagement, that boy had been engaged once and things didn't end well for neither part, and Chucho was terrified of another scandal and the inevitable humiliation that would come together in case his son replicated his old behavior; that was until he noticed how head over heels Javier was for you, and then his concerns changed: what if instead of Javier breaking your heart, you broke his? 

And that was why at first, all the older man did was stare at you and watch you quietly, trying to get a glimpse of your intentions. He knew Javier wasn't a child anymore, his son was strong, independent, and didn't get attached easily, but at the same time, Chucho had never seen him act towards a woman like that, he could see the need Javier had of you, of your touch, how he constantly had a hand over your body: on the small of your back, your thigh, your waist. It was explicit to him how emotionally dependent Javier was on you and it made him shiver to think of what would happen if you left him, he was sure his son would have a hell to pay. Some would've said he deserved it, he had it coming, but Chucho would be heartbroken too, he knew his son already came back from Colombia a little broken after everything he witnessed, and he didn't want him to suffer anymore. 

But you started waking up early every morning and made everyone breakfast and your father-in-law couldn't deny the fact you were a good cook, and that breakfast was way better than his and his son's. Then when Javi and him left for work, you'd stay, organize the house a little and wait for them always with lunch and dinner ready and Chucho didn't hate that at all. But what really got to his heart, was when you asked him about what Javier was like when he was little. He saw it was finally his opportunity to speak, he'd missed that, having someone to talk to and you and him were quick to establish a good, sweet relationship. He was fatherly and protective of you and you were kind and patient with him. You understood the years of loneliness made him harden, somewhat like it had happened to Javier in Colombia, but once you showed him you were willing to listen to him, to what he had to say, Chucho became almost a second father to you, he appreciated you for giving him the attention Javier didn't, you listened to him, you paid attention to his advices and his life experience, and before he knew, he was convinced you were the right girl for his son, because to Chucho, you were already part of the family. 

You also really enjoyed the times you spent with him, he was a wise man, he told you a lot about his life, his deceased wife and of course, about your Javi. And that's how you learned Javier was terrified of chickens when he was a toddler, and how he fell from a tree and broke his arm when he was eight. And how Chucho walked on him losing his virginity with Lorraine once when he came earlier from work. 

And Javier wanted to kill himself, mortified and deeply embarrassed about being exposed like that to you. He knew you had a deep admiration for him, and he worried that would be ruined after the dreadful things his dad had told you about his life. 

And all you could do was laugh, you loved learning more about him, each time you passed by a chicken you couldn't help yourself but giggle, and whenever you saw Lorraine running errands in town you couldn't help but cringe at the story you heard. No wonder she barely looked Chucho in the eyes. You also felt pretty good to learn that Chucho never called Lorraine 'mijita' just like he called you. You knew it was petty, she probably didn't even care about the Peñas anymore, but you couldn't help giving into that small competition established in your mind and fueled by people in town. Ever since Javier arrived, many people seemed to be betting against your relationship, they didn't mean harm for real, but they just had their fun by letting snarky comments here and there as if you and Javi were two tabloid celebrities with a scandalous life. 

In the first weeks, it bothered you a little, it was just so disrespectful to be walking around the store and have people whispering about you, not even waiting for you to leave before making their comments, but as you were getting used to the city, you began simply not caring about things at all. Whenever you were out with Javi, you made sure to hold his hand, kiss his cheek or peck his lips, if people wanted to comment, then you two would give them something to talk about. So it stopped being annoying and it became funny, to the point of you and Javi establishing a competition of gossip you'd heard about yourselves. 

'Did you know Y/N is pregnant and she is trying to hide?' 

'I heard Javier is going back to Colombia and leaving his girlfriend behind' 

'They aren't a couple, they are both undercover to chase down Pablo Escobar who faked his own death and moved to Laredo"

It always made you and Javi laugh, it was good to know your relationship was healthy enough so you could joke about stuff like that, you felt good about it, and Javi felt his heart swelling with pride to see you trusted him blindly. 

While Chucho and Javi left for work, you often walked around town, sending out your resume to companies you found interesting, you often went grocery shopping and you got your library card done, so you could pick up a book and entertain yourself. Camila, the girl who gave you a ride to meet Javi the day you got to Laredo became your friend, and you sometimes hung out together at coffee shops or bakeries. Your life in Laredo was going better than expected, you weren't having any problems, you enjoyed the place, the weather, your relationship with Javi was just as good as it had been, he still couldn't keep his hands off you and you had already fucked in places you probably shouldn't have. His truck for once, the stables, the green fields behind his ranch… He also fingered you when you two went to the movies. You didn't even pretend you didn't want to, or that you thought it wasn't a good idea anymore… anywhere Javi wanted to take you, he had you willing to spread your legs for him.

It was so good, the intimacy you had with Javi you never had with anyone and you couldn't even if you tried. Though Javi's bedroom was away from his dad, you couldn't make as much noise as you would like to, so every Sunday morning, while Chucho went to church as a good catholic man, you and Javi enjoyed your alone time together. He would take his time with you and you loved every single part of it. 

So you were already awake, when the rooster crowed and you knew it was only a matter of time for Chucho to leave for church. On the weekends, he established you didn't have to make them breakfast, it was your time off, but you still got up and made it, because the earlier he has breakfast, the sooner he'd leave you and Javi alone. 

You were organizing the kitchen when Javi walked to you, arms snaking around your waist and kissing your neck. You whimpered at his touch, always knowing your body so well. 

"Come on Javi, have breakfast honey" you whispered as he kissed your neck, nibbling it and not caring if he'd leave the mark of his teeth on your skin. 

You groaned at his touch, Javier just had a way to touch and tease you, making everything else seem so distant and meaningless. At his touch, it felt like nothing but him and his cock mattered to you.

"You know damn well what I wanna have for breakfast baby girl" he whispered, his hands going for your breasts, squeezing them softly and toying with your nipples "you know I'm so fucking hungry… and thirsty for you" Javier whispered into your ear and sent shivers down your spine. Ever since he'd made you squirt for the first time, Javi was addicted to it, and he devoted his Sunday mornings to see you pour for him. There was nothing that made that man go on more than drip down your sweet honey, it drove him mad and you both knew it. "Come on cariño, the bed is all ready for you… everything is waterproof, your soft towels are in place so you can make your delicious mess, mi amor" he whispered and took you by the hand. 

    •••

Javi had been pounding into you for a while, you were feeling so worked up, your wetness leaking out of you as your cunt was already sensitive and swollen. Javier had teased and stimulated you, knowing just how to get you ready for him. A plug he had gifted you a couple of weeks before, shoved deep into your tight asshole, because he just knew you squirted when all your holes were filled. You felt so full, Javi's thick cock pounding into you as he pulled and pushed your plug by its base, fucking your ass at the same time. You were tired, sweaty, the knot in your lower belly getting more and more urgent and yet you still had to be strong enough to hold back your orgasm because Javi would punish you if you came before he told you it was okay to do it.

Your legs shook and Javi groaned at each thrust, the way your walls tightened around his cock, making him even more sensitive to you, but he was determined, he wanted to have all of your honey and he wouldn't stop until he got it. 

Suddenly, his moves ceased and you felt empty as Javier slid out of you. You panted, trying to catch your breath glad to have a small break, which didn't take very long, not with Javi getting between your legs once more and breathing down your cunt "you're so perfect hermosa, you look so beautiful all spread up and open just for me…" he praised, his lips ghosting over your inner thigh, small gentle kisses, just enough to drag goosebumps all over your skin. 

"Javi please… don't tease" you whimpered and saw his frown, before his hand swatted your cunt in one dry slap 

"I can do whatever you want, cariño, this cunt is mine, this ass is mine, you are entirely mine, aren't ya?" He questioned you and you just nodded at him, whimpering as Javi finally got to your clit, suckling on it at the same time he used both arms to keep your waist in place, not letting you escape him as he ate you out, your legs shaking as he locked you with one arm, leaving the other free and shoving two fingers deep into your cunt, hitting your special spot and speeding up. He smirked at the undeniable pleasure in your face, loving how you moaned and slithered softly among the sheets. You felt that intense sensation building up once more, your lower belly felt on fire and you knew you were too close now, Javi could tell you weren't able to hold back any longer and softened up, giving your hard, soaked clit a gentle kiss "come on princesa, pour for me, make it fucking rain" he whispered against your pussy and you finally relaxed, reaching for your orgasm and letting the stream hit Javier. 

You had only blurs of him waiting for your sweetness, you couldn't keep your eyes open, but Javi stood right there loving to get your load all over his face. 

You felt like you were melting in a puddle of pleasure, feeling tired and a little sore and yet, Javi climbed on top of you, his face wet with your juices as he kissed you and got his cock inside of you again

"Come on cariño, let's make our baby Peña" he whispered into your ear.

 •••

You giggled as you entered the kitchen, Javi was right behind you, hands around your waist, squeezing you and making you giggle as the two of you had dripping hair and the clothes still hanging tight to your bodies, as you exited the shower not more than minutes before. You should have made lunch at least an hour before, knowing Chucho would come from church hungry and you and Javi could also eat after spending a lot of energy in bed, but the way he couldn't keep his hands off you, really jeopardized the other activities in the house, and at the same time you sort of felt guilty about it, you couldn't resist when it came to Javier Peña. He was your addiction, you just needed and craved him at every hour of your day, the weeks you'd spent apart you thought you were going crazy without him by your side, so now that you could spend a lifetime with him, you definitely didn't want to let it go. As you got into the kitchen, you stopped dead on tracks 

"Mom?!" You nearly shouted, eyes widening as you saw how your mother stood up next to Chucho, who had his hands on his waist - a classic Javier pose and you knew where he got that from, you could chuckle to yourself at that new piece of information on your fiance, if it weren't for the unnerving feeling your mom was giving you. The way she looked around displeased with everything and everyone. How she eyed Javier up and down and couldn't show the slightest smile or any traces of sympathy. "W-what are you doing here?" It was all you could ask her, watching as she shook her head and scoffed

"What exactly did you expect? You simply write me a letter saying you quit your job and that you were going to get married and live in this place?" She looked around "I needed to see with my own eyes, and yes, Y/N, you are indeed out of your mind!"

"I'm not. I'm marrying Javier and I'm staying in Laredo, because Javi and Don Chucho took me in and treat me like family. I don't care what you say, mom, I'm staying" you said and frowned "how did you even get in here?" And it was Chucho's turn to clear his throat and add his own version to the conversation

"I found the lady looking for information downtown, she wanted to know where our ranch was so I offered a ride" 

Javier saw how tense you got and tried using his charms to soothe your mom, maybe all she needed was some flattering, just to get to know him, not many women could resists Javier's sweet brown eyes, his beautiful smile and his polite manners, but the moment he tried greeting him properly your mom made everything at her power to keep him away, not hiding the disdain for him, which immediately made you angry and guilty, to have your uninvited mom treating like shit the people who loved and treated you like family.

Everyone could feel the tension in that kitchen and yet it was a mystery how things would be solved. Luckily to you, Chucho offered to take all of you out for lunch at a nice restaurant, then he suggested you should take your mom to some shops and other sights of Laredo, and though you were thankful for that, you felt really upset to know she was there only with one mission: make you give up on your wedding. 

You spent the rest of the day in a thick tension, you and your mom chatted briefly about family, work, and one could see and think it was just an ordinary case of mom and daughter catching up on the news, but you knew there was more to it. Luckily, Chucho's suggestion worked and she was easily distracted during the day, getting to know the city and going to bed early, being tired because of her trip. Javi also noticed everything and though he hadn't questioned you through the day you knew you would have a conversation about it. For all the time you've known each other, you barely spoke about your family, all you told him was that you had a complicated relationship with your mother and that they used to really like your former fiance, so when he left you, it all came out as a shock. You two hadn't discussed a guest list because after a whole week of trying to plan the details, you had decided to have a courthouse wedding. Not really you took that decision, but rather Javier and Chucho did. You realized the two of them were terrified of another scandal concerning that matter and even if you reassured Javier you trusted him and knew things would be different this time, he still thought it was safer to go with his dad's idea. You did feel disappointed, you'd already envisioned marrying Javier in a simple, but beautiful party, you had dreamed about inviting Murphy, Connie and your other friends, your family of course, not everybody, but the ones you were the closest to, and yet, you ended up agreeing to just signing the papers and carrying on with your day. A party didn't matter that much, but you would like to celebrate it, to put on a nice beautiful dress and show that whole town that yes, you and Javier loved each other and you would work out, despite every mean thing that'd been said and spread by those people. Your mom also agreed on having a discrete, small wedding, but it puzzled her to know why everyone seemed to be insisting on it, you could tell she was suspicious of something but you didn't feel like telling her everything that happened between Javier and his first bride, it would only bring all of you chaos and arguments. 

When you got in your bedroom later that night, you had hopes Javi was already asleep, you didn't quite know what to expect, of course he was an intelligent and observing man and he definitely understood from the very beginning you mom already hated him. You didn't know if it bothered Javi or not, but it probably did a little, no one liked to be hated by someone else and especially not without a good reason. You closed the door quietly, seeing Javi was lying in bed and smiled relieved, though he immediately raised his head from his pillow and immediately turned towards you 

"Cariño?" He called you and you bit your lips "we need to talk" he told you and beckoned, watching as you walked towards the edge of the bed and couldn't help but chuckle as he pulled you by your arm, making you lose balance and fall on top of him. You watched Javier closely, taking in how handsome he was, your heart not taking it as you admired his side profile and gently you traced the shape of his nose with the tip of your fingers, smiling at him, though you could see his expression was serious. 

"Your mom doesn't want us to get married, does she?" He sighed as you nodded. "why? Does she know about Lorraine?" You shook your head shyly "I need you to use your words, cariño… come on" he whispered against your ear as if he was seducing you, like he often did. 

"She doesn't, Javi… I haven't told my mom a lot of things, I haven't even called her, I wrote her a letter, hoping we would've been married by the time she got it. It felt weird not to tell her, but I knew she would have this reaction. She didn't like to know I was in love with you when I first got to Colombia and she definitely doesn't like our lifestyle, you know like the ranch and other things like this…" you said ashamed and looked down "I am not happy with her visit Javi, and I pissed off at how she got here and she thinks she's the queen of the world" you confessed and Javi straightened up his posture, rubbing his forehead and sighing "if she stays here for a long time, she will eventually find out about the gossip… maybe we should just go to the courthouse tomorrow, sign the papers and get this thing over with" he suggested and you couldn't help but feel disappointed, your wedding was now 'this thing'?! You shook your head 

"Javi, do you really wanna marry me?" You asked worriedly and watched as he sighed again "I don't wanna be annoying and insecure, that's just not us… but we went from leaving Colombia and getting married, having a beautiful party, wearing a wedding dress for you, and then we just thought of a courthouse wedding and now you tell me we should do it tomorrow, just to get this thing over with?" 

Javi held your face between his big hands and stroked your cheek gently, leaning in and pecked your lips, before getting off bed and getting on his knees in front of you. He took your hand, caressing it and watching his mom's ring "you're completely right, hermosa. I'm sorry if I made you feel like that, of course I still wanna marry you. I was worried you wouldn't want it after your mom arrived" he sighed "I don't want you to be upset… I want you to go out tomorrow and get yourself a pretty wedding dress, the most beautiful one you can find… I want you to be even more gorgeous to me, and once you get your dress we will figure something out, okay? Something that won't be as impersonal as a courthouse wedding… I just want you to be my wife, I want to have baby with you some day, mi amor" he said, giving you his sweet eyes, and leaning towards your touch as you caressed his cheek. 

     ••• 

"You know mom, you didn't really need to come here with me, it's a simple task… I'll pick a dress I like and buy it" you said as the two of you walked into the wedding dress store, the only one in Laredo and that you were sure you wouldn't really like the options, judging by what you'd seen in the window at least. You mom just rolled her eyes and scoffed

"You are already marrying this… man" she said "the least I can do for you is to help you pick up a decent wedding dress, knowing your taste it will definitely be a nightmare, Y/N" you gritted your teeth and before you could say anything else, a smiling girl came towards you, introducing herself as the clerk and dragging you over to the wedding dresses section. No matter how many times you'd said you were looking for a simple model, something comfortable and pretty, all she did was show you layers and layers of white, flamboyant lace, gigantic veils and your heart clenched to see you were having a hard time to even pick a dress, maybe it was all a sign? No, you shook that thought away, you and Javi were meant to be together, and no matter what was going on, you two would get married. 

When you finally spotted a simple, sleeveless white dress, you sighed relieved. You didn't like it very much, but it fit better the kind of party - if you were having a party at all - than the other options and you insisted on trying it on, despite the comments coming from both your mom and the clerk, who stated the dress was too plain and too simple. You felt your blood boiling, but you didn't say anything at all, it was bad enough you and Javi were the constant subject of gossip around town, and you figured a public argument with your mom wouldn't favor either of you, so you forced yourself to suck it up and get inside the fitting room. 

The clerk smiled at your mom trying to make small talk "so… ma'am, your daughter is marrying Javier Peña… he's kind of a big deal here in Laredo, everybody knows him, he's more of a lição hero, and it's cool that his first bride bought her dress here, and now his second bride is doing the same, hopefully she'll be luckier than Lorraine" the young girl shrugged, trying to sound innocent but also looking for some juicy details she could spread on with her co-workers later. 

Your mom's eyes snapped at the girl's words and she didn't stop inquiring until your mom got the full, whole story. And boy, she wasn't happy about it. 

You watched yourself in the mirror, you hated the dress. Maybe not the dress, but you were hating that experience, that tension and the stress. You hated that store, you hated that sales clerk who always whispered when she saw you and Javi passing by. There was nothing you wanted more than to marry Javi, and he had been clear about wanting to marry you too, but it felt like things weren't collaborating. Not even a dress you could find, and it made you anxious. As you undressed, you couldn't help but stare at your stomach, picturing if you'd look too different with a pregnant bump. You knew getting pregnant was just a matter of time and quite honestly you were a bit surprised it hadn't happened yet, with the amount of times Javi finished inside of you. Still, it didn't feel like the right moment just yet, but when it did, you'd be very happy to have baby Peña inside. 

You knew it was time to get rid of that horrible dress and head home, but you didn't think your mom would be waiting for you at the door, her face seemed to have been replaced with a mask of anger which puzzled you until you all got to the ranch. 

Chucho and Javi were at the table having some coffee and a slice of cake when they heard the commotion of the two women barging in. Your voices were loud but muffled and though it was obvious you and your mother were having an argument, they still couldn't exactly understand what you two were quarreling about. Both men got up and walked to the door, getting to the living room where you were already crying and your mom made sure to tell you horrible words, wanting to express her point of view which she considered to be the only right way to see things. 

Javier didn't like that distress, he knew you were out to see your wedding dress, it was supposed to be a nice day for a woman, and he didn't need to be a genius to see whatever happened ruined it for you. His first reaction was to wrap his arms around your body and pull you closer, kissing the top of your head and stroking your cheek "shh calm down, cariño… what happened?" He asked worried but your mom immediately walked to him 

"You happened!!!" She yelled "you happened to disgrace my daughter's life, Javier! How can she marry someone like you? You cannot even be called a man! You're a coward, a disgusting person!!! And my daughter is the stupidest woman in the world!!! She was humiliated by a man like you, but she seems to like your type because she is willing to make the same mistake for the second time now!!!" Your mom yelled feeling so angry and wanting to inflict as much pain as she could "and even if you don't abandon her at the altar, Mr. Peña… what do you have to offer her? This house? A life on the farm? Taking care of kids and animals? Until what? She gets too unattractive to you and you start chasing down girls half your age?" 

"ENOUGH!!!" you finally roared, being fed up with that scene, that horrid act of cruelty "enough!!! You have no right to say those things, mom!!! You weren't invited here, you weren't even invited to the wedding, I just told you I would be getting married to Javi, well, now I don't even know if there will be a wedding, but you are no one to tell me what to do or what not to do!!! I love Javi and I want this life, we both do! I trust him, I wanna be his wife, be the mother of his children and if you don't like it, just go away!!! I'm not asking for permission or your approval!" You finally said and gently got rid of Javi's arms, not wanting to be there any longer. 

You ran out the door and went for the green fields, the ones you often made love with him and walked until you were far away from the house, from that ranch that despite the large size, made you feel suffocated. You and sat down on the grass and allowed yourself to shed your tears, letting all the hurt out of your chest as you felt so upset at everything that was happening. Your mom had no right to try to ruin everything for you, you were supposed to be living the best of your relationship with Javi and not having everything spoiled by anyone just because they thought it was fun to comment on your life.

You hung your head low and sighed, trying to find some inner peace. 

Some time later, Javi watched you from afar as he squinted his eyes because of the sun and placed his hands on his hips. He took a deep breath and walked towards you, climbing the small hill you sat yourself on and reaching you.

"Hey" he said licking his bottom lip "your mom packed her things and decided to fly back home, dad just took her to the airport…" he said carefully and watched as you nodded, your eyes still red and puffy. It simply broke his heart.

"J-Javi I'm so sorry about what she said… about everything, this scene, this argument, about the things I've told you… I'm just so tired of this, of having to step on eggshells all the time when we are out because people gossip about us, it's not fair we have to give up our wedding, our celebration of a new start because of a bunch of dicks around here… all the gossip was funny at first, but now's just tiring. I'm tired of having people telling me you're going to abandon me or you're going to cheat on me, because you're not" you held Javier's face between your hands and stared into his eyes "I know you'll never do this, we both know it" you sniffed sadly as Javi gently wiped the tears that insisted on falling down. 

"You're totally right, cariño… I'm tired of that too, I understand if you don't wanna marry me or if you don't wanna live in Laredo with me, but I thought of a solution to show these fucking hillbillies how we're meant to be for real: I want to have a big ranch wedding, it can be here, in the fields… we get a priest or whatever to bless our ceremony, we have a big party so we can show everyone how we are getting married for real, the whole town as a witness to our love, so they'll shut up about it. You can get your wedding dress handmade with the seamstress who lives a couple of miles away…" he suggested it, his heart hammering his ribcage as he watched you closely. "What do you say, mi amor? Will you still marry me?" 

And then Javi stared at you with his stupid, deep brown eyes, you could tell at that moment he would do anything for you and your heart clenched at how much you loved him, it just ran through your body, your veins, your pores. You loved Javier with your whole heart and soul and it was obvious you would still marry him.

_____

A/N: I hope you guys liked it 😭

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

aita/wibta for NOT breaking up with my bf ?

i'm not sure if the title is phrased weirdly, bare with me. my bf and i are both 18, he is cis M & i am FTM (relevant).

My bf and i are both currently in first year uni, both living at home due to high cost of living in our country (also everywhere else lol). We met about halfway through highschool, and were friends for a while before getting together. we are coming up on two years together in a couple months, and have not really had any major bumps in our relationship. we see eachother i would say 1-2x per week, with both of us living at home and being broke it gets a little challenging sometimes but we call most nights and generally we make it work. Also worth noting that I am my bf's first everything, down to his first kiss, while he is not really this for me. this is the longest relationship i have been in (probably because i'm 18 lol), but not at all the first. however, the only "serious" relationship i have had outside of of him, aside from just casual stuff, was very abusive & toxic, so i do sort of see us on equal footing as neither of us has ever been in a normal, functional relationship before.

Now, the issue: while we are both currently living at home, i see this as a very temporary arrangement and something i am counting down the days until i can get out of. while living with my family is not abusive or anything, it is just very straining as i am not very close with them, and also cannot transition while living at home. as previously mentioned i am ftm, and while my mom is tolerant it would just put even more stress on the relationship if i were to start changing physically while living at home or even asking her to use different pronouns for me and is just something i prefer to leave until i'm not 100% reliant on her. that being said my dysphoria causes me very intense depression and without getting too detailed, i don't know how much longer i can take living here and putting off any sort of meaningful transition outside of close/online friends calling me he.

my bf, however, plans to live at home at least until he graduates, which is six years away. i understand that this is a very normal thing, especially culturally (he is middle eastern + muslim, i am white + agnostic), but the issue is that his mother is, among many other things, extremely homophobic. she already hates me for reasons i'm not really sure of (my bf refuses to go into detail, i think to protect me, but i have seen extremely graphic and nasty texts about me by name on his phone and have been told by him that he doesn't even mention me around the house or else she gets extremely upset, though she is always extremely nice to me the few times we have interacted), but anyways, me transitioning while he is still living at home would be essentially putting him in legitimate danger.

my bf does not like to think about this, which i understand. it's hard enough dealing with what i get from my family, and that is absolutely nothing compared to the fact that everyone he knows from his culture/religion beleives he should be dead just because he is gay (i know, as does he, that there are queer muslims. but they do not exist openly in his personal community). but the problem is that anytime i adress to him that the idea of waiting until we are in our mid-twenties for me to even think about transitioning is a really big issue for me he basically refuses to talk about it and just says that "it will work out". on top of the transitioning thing i just generally don't want to be twenty-five (the age he has told me is when he plans to move out) and still having to cancel dates last minute because my boyfriend's mom was in a bad mood and decided he's not allowed to go out tonight. i know this is how life is for many people and they learn to deal with it! and i respect them very much! but it is genuinely my nightmare. i understand why he cannot/does not want to cut himself off from his family, especially since his dad lives overseas and is extremely wealthy so therefore paying his entire tuition out of pocket. i'm just saying it's not a lifestyle that meshes well with my future plans.

this is where the asshole part comes in: my bf genuinely thinks that we are going to spend the rest of our lives together. this started with small comments, things like alluding to the idea of our potential future kids (i love kids and raising my own is genuinely my end goal in life, something he knows just because i am very open about it), or talking about our future apartment/house, but now is basically just a constant conversation in our relationship. i try not to feed into it, but i also feel badly responding to his sweet comment when i point out a house i like on the street about how we'll buy it one day with something about how i don't ever see that happening. i generally just respond neutrally, but i will admit i get caught up in the fantasy sometimes and contribute to it as well.

he is such a lovely guy with a beautiful heart and i do really adore him, and it's not a situation where i don't want to spend the rest of my life with him. to be honest, that's the dream. i love him with everything i have and i would literally do anything for him. the problem is just that when he talks about this future together all i can picture is all the million ways our relationship is doomed to implode.

but we are happy right now, because me moving out of my family home is not something that is going to be possible for another 1-2 years, so none of those issues are something that are going to come up right now. i just forsee them being pretty much impossible obstacles between us and spending the rest of our lives together down the line. but i have this nagging feeling in the back of my mind that even though i want more than anything to be with him forever, the fact that i don't remotely beleive it's something that will actually work out still constitutes as leading him on.

so, am i the asshole for staying with him, because we are happy right now and these issues are not going to be relevant for another 1-2 years, and a solution might somehow present itself in that time? or is the right thing to do to just leave now, and rip off the bandaid?

What are these acronyms?

[mins-fins]

dal segno.

&&. you're in a car with a beautiful boy, but he's unfortunately not yours anymore.

pairing: xiao dejun x m!reader

genre: angst

warnings: implied sexual content, kind of toxic relationship, they are both so incredibly pathetic

word count: 1.2k

notes: hello this is a voiceless isa reporting, i am suffering with the most horrible sickness to ever be bestowed upon me (the common cold) and i was originally supposed to post this yesterday but i fell asleep in the middle of my writing process so yeah 👍 also i have a class in like an hour so i just wanna publish this now and be done with it 😿

you're asleep for a while.

sleeping in a car has never truly been your thing, ever since you were a kid, you could never ever fall asleep in a car even after how tired you were. the fact that you were able to doze off, even with the clear tiredness you exhibited, was odd.

you wonder what kind of change was in the air caused for you to finally doze off in the car..

when you wake up, it is not morning, which you honestly expect because you had only fallen asleep for a few minutes, you can tell because guanheng is still inside, chatting up with his friends or whatever.

if guanheng is still inside, that means the one person you do not want to see right now is still right beside you in the drivers seat.

dejun doesn't seem to register that you're now awake, his eyes closed as he rubs his temples, clearly stressed about something. it isn't until you shuffle in your seat, rubbing your eyes that he finally seems to acknowledge your presence, almost startled by how quiet you'd been.

"holy shit you scared me".

he places a hand on his chest, and you can tell he was genuinely surprised by your sudden awakening because he glances at you then glances away, very interested in the window it seems.

"sorry" you whisper. you feel as if you could cut the air in the car with a knife considering how thick it seems. "hi".

why do you say hi? why do you choose to greet him? you two know each other, you know each other very well, much more than you ever thought you'd know each other.

dejun also registers the awkwardness in the air, the two of you itch to escape the situation, but you both also don't want to be the first to leave. he gives a polite smile, finally staring directly at you. "hi" he greets back.

you have the urge to itch your hand, feeling insanely uncomfortable. a small sigh escapes your lips, and you make an effort to look down at the floor of the car instead. "heng still in there?"

dejun is clearly upset at how you changed the topic, but what else were you two supposed to do? greet each other a couple more times? it's all basically come to shit now. "yeah.. he practically knows everybody in that household, it's crazy".

he talks like he doesn't care much, you chalk it up to him being tired, forced to drive home his friend who has a million acquaintances, not to mention he's sitting right beside his ex boyfriend, the same ex boyfriend whose heart he broke in the same car no more than a few weeks ago.

he did it in an almost heartless way as well, he seemed to have no regard for you, the tears streaming down your cheeks must've seemed pathetic to him, the way you tried to get him to change his mind must've completely altered his opinion on you by then.

it's understandable why the two of you are so awkward, why there are no jokes between you, why instead of feeling grateful to be sitting beside such a pretty boy, your stomach curls in an uncomfortable way.

you glance over at him for a moment, watching as he picks his nails, even with the heartbreak he put you through, you can't deny how absolutely striking he is. dejun possesses a kind of beauty you don't think another person could ever display as well as he does.

you hate that he's so beautiful, a literal work of art, but was still the very one responsible for the days you spent feeling as if you weren't enough. he didn't even try to give you a good explanation for breaking off your seemingly bulletproof relationship, just said some bullshit like "we weren't working together y/n".

and yeah, your mad, you have every right to be mad.

it was never supposed to be more than a friday night hookup, nothing more than a stupid meetup orchestrated by a mutual friend of yours, you two should've never crossed over into having an actual relationship, because your demise was very expected.

"i don't know what you want from me".

"i don't want anything from you.." anymore, is what you want to add, but in fear of sounding even more pathetic than you look, you shut your mouth, crossing your arms. "there's nothing more to say, we're over and that's fine, i've gotten over it".

"y/n—"

"dejun" you don't want to hear him speak any more, because the longer he does the more you'll want to break down and cry. "you made your choice and i respect it, i don't want anything from you".

dejun looks hurt by your words, as if he's not the one who decided to break up with you. he's such an idiot, a beautiful, pathetic idiot. he slumps in his seat, as if you just delivered a punch straight to his gut.

you stop looking at him at this point, because you aren't going to be able to resist the urge to kiss him if you continue staring at his face. another wave of silence spreads between you two, and you want to leave so bad, but you can't, because then you'd have to deal with guanheng's fucking interrogations.

you hear dejun unbuckling his seatbelt beside you, at least he's leaving, it'll make everything just a little more bearable. you clear your throat, pretending the prior conversation didn't happen. "could you tell guanheng to make sure he gets back my copy of dracula from yangyang?"

dejun hums, but sighs. "y/n".

you wish you listened to your heart, but your mind was screaming at you to fucking look at him!

so you did, and you almost collapse right onto the floor. he's staring at you with such bewitched, lovestruck eyes, it's as if nothing bad ever happened between you two, as if you were still happy and in love with no issues whatsoever.

"stop doubting yourself.." he whispers, then he presses his lips to yours, it's as impulsive as it is stupid, because dejun is going to regret this the next day, you know he will.

you hate that you kiss him back, you hate how even though he broke your heart in this very place and left you crying in your bed. you should be ashamed of how easily you fall into his hands, you're constantly thinking optimistically, as if he won't just up and abandon you again.

when he separates from you, you almost want to pull him back, your hand fiddling with his shirt collar.

but for once, you listen to your head.

"i love you" he gives a sad smile, letting go of you and exiting the car.

you just sit there, face warm as you try to register what just happened. you watch dejun walk away, as you've done thousands of times before, you still don't feel any better, but the uncomfortable curl in your stomach has subsided for now.

if you just pretend that everything is all going to he okay, maybe it will!

oh xiao dejun, always breaking your heart and leaving you to pick up the pieces afterward.

[kouyou-arc-when]

Hey, this is a great ask and I am so sorry for not replying earlier. I am responding like this because I actually broke the character limit since I'm dumb -_- I've written a lot of posts about this on reddit, and many people came up to me and asked me something similar. Your line of thinking is good. Regarding Dazai:

So, the thing is - to properly diagnose any personality disorder, you need to talk to that very person to understand their inner mechanisms. There are certain behavioral traits we can observe from the outside and make some guesses based on that: for example, Dazai's broadly dented empathy and why that's often found in people with ASPD.

However, for many other personality disorders it is very difficult to conclude much without the person saying ~I feel x because of y. I do c because of b.

Why? Personality disorders are internal structures that cause a person's behavior to be challenging to either them or others. To understand these mental processes is much more demanding than seeing a person just feels sad or anxious, to explain it simplistic terms.

The key behind many disorders is to know WHY a person is doing what they're doing. This one thing changes whether a person has x,z,y,t,n or whatever condition.

An example: BPD and CPTSD are often mistaken for one another. Same as with BPD, CPTSD, Autism and ADD in women, but BPD and CPTSD tend to have the largest "overgap", you can even have both at the same time. That's because many of the outside observable symptoms are the same.

An example: unstable relationships are a symptom of ALL of the above, but BPD is sort of...an outdated PD according to many specialists due to the fact that it was used as an "everything" disorder, where people with socially unconventional emotions were dumped. That's why you'll find two people with BPD that are almost nothing alike.

However, even if we hold to classic diagnostic criteria, let me show how the same symptom can be a product of entirely different circumstances.

For example: Someone with BPD will have unstable relationships due to an extreme fear of abandonment. Someone with Autism may have unstable relationships due to differences in communication styles Someone with ADHD will have unstable relationships due to various circumstances: emotional regulation, executive functioning etc.

So really, the outward result may be the same, but the cause is different.

However, now, typically the main reason someone could have BPD is either due to extreme splitting, favorite person behavior, numbness and/or abandonment issues.

Dazai 100% has "favorite person" syndrome going on with Oda - the way he idealized Odasaku and then devalues everyone around him in comparison is pretty clinical - doesn't mean their relationship isn't lovely, but it's certainly something a therapist would take note of.

It's no shocker Dazai has unstable relationships, but we don't 100% know why he does what he does.

That's the whole thing Asagiri said - the character is meant to be like a donnut, where you don't really know what's in the middle - so it's extremely difficult to say which PD fits him for sure, probably even more difficult than the average neurodivergent character. In my opinion, several interpretations of Dazai are simultaneously valid due to the fact that you could assume multiple personal struggles within him, and come to a reasonable conclusion.

Does Dazai have abandonment issues? He says he always loses everything he wants, is EXTREMELY bitter over Ango, and definitely shows some levels of "splitting", especially in how he treats Oda vs Ango, Akutagawa vs Atsushi etc etc.

I'm pretty confident he has PTSD, and everything that comes with that. He certainly has a personality disorder too, due to the fact that a lot of his difficulties stem from his personality, and not just brain chemistry.

Kunikida says that most of his emotions "seem" like an act, which raises a lot of questions to what is even happening on the inside. Asagiri said Dazai is really only himself in front of people like Oda and Fyodor. That version of Dazai is...much less cheerful than with everyone else.

I don't personally think Dazai is autistic since he has a good hang on social cues and overall communication. Mamoru Miyano said PM Dazai was still learning to communicate with others back in his Dark Era days, but it wasn't that he couldn't do it - he was just not interested in learning it.

I feel like Asagiri gave Dazai this "unrealistic" trait of being primarily isolated because he's extraordinarily intelligent (which is not how geniuses tend to feel irl, most of the time) but I always feel like there is something more to it.

There is definitely some /disconnect/ between Dazai and "normal" people, where he doesn't fully seem to understand certain things, he falls short there. As someone who has CPTSD diagnosed, I get the impression he maybe has a similar thing going on as many of us: A extremely traumatic experience disrupted a lot of normal emotional and cognitive processes, and now he's both extremely hypervigilant and unable to snap out of that "shellshocked" state. He needs to "perform" conventionality, and being a normal person.

In one wan chapter, he "made a joke" that you start doing one bad thing after another, and suddenly you feel nothing at all. That's the trademark numbness in both CPTSD and BPD.

There was this TDIPUD moment where he talks about how a personality is just a bunch of unstable premises that survive to uphold the basic instincts of the human mind - but how it's easily destroyed for that reason. This is a scene where he tortures the guy, and I was like "wow, I really get it". Severe trauma can just destroy the very structure of your personality, because extreme pain just numbs everything within you. "You" as a person can't survive.

BPD is also related to an unstable sense of self - which could be connected to the former paragraph. Sometimes lowered empathy is also a byproduct of BPD, in fact, the thing is that both BPD and CPTSD come from trauma 99% of the time. They're shockingly similar disorders.

So, does Dazai have BPD? No idea. He could also be schizoid to some extent, which is funny, because Franz Kafka had this disorder, the author that inspired Asagiri's nickname.

For now, I'd just leave at he has CPTSD for sure

Most of these disorders are very broad descriptors, and it's difficult to label most humans in a way that will genuinely encompass what their experiences are. Most of the time, these diagnostics are used to match a person with the best treatment available, or to explain what they're going through - so I don't think there is a perfect diagnosis for Dazai aside from PTSD, but he's definitely extremely neurodivergent. Thanks for reading <3

[thelawsofdaylight]

I'm sorry if this isn't approriate, but I don't really understand why you find Les Mis a good target for a climate protest? I get that the musical has themes that align with the protesters but like... what was the good outcome? Are there really People in that audience that don't know climate change is happening? How Will this change their mind? What action is meant to be brought on by trowing soup at paintings or disrupting a performance? Does that actually help the cause of combatting climate change at all? Does it help make people more aware, does it have an effect on the mechanisms of polluters? Isn't there anything more focused that these resources (both money and the incredible bravery and drive of the People themselves) could be better focused on. These protest feels so different from like, people chaining themselves to a private jet or the schoolchildren going up to parliaments by the thousand to demand policy chances to better their future. All of the JSO actions feels so performative, I just don't see how they are actually doing anything of even the mechanism by which they are meant to accomplish anything? Which doesn't mean that the people involved aren't great people or that the reaction of the Les Mis crowd wasn't fucked up. Just... what was even the goal?

Hey! I know it's been a while since I made that post supporting the JSO protestors but I've gotten a few asks like this in the time since (and am still getting them) so I'm responding to this as the most good-faith one in my inbox and hopefully it answers others that have been asked to me in the past couple weeks as well. Disclaimer: If I'm responding to things outside the remit of this ask, it's likely that it's because someone else sent an ask about it and I've been juggling them all in my head as I've been thinking on a response.

I think in order to answer the first part of the ask we have to tackle the second. 'What has this action achieved' only works as a comprehensive criticism if we look at it in isolation to all of JSO's other actions. What I mean by this is: JSO launched by blocking oil refineries for days on end. In the two years they've been active they've done similar actions, including but not limited to disrupting fuel distribution centres, petrol stations, interrupting fossil fuel conferences, and, most recently, trying to stop the relocation of asylum seekers to prison barges. Their actions go far beyond blocking roads and disruption of public events. I think this is important to establish as I don't know how much of a working knowledge anyone not in the UK Climate movement actually has about JSO and I think it's good we're all on the same page.

But if they do all that (effective, important) direct action, then why target Les Mis? What does a West End show have to do with fossil fuel companies and climate change? And in response to these questions I'll ask one of my own: were you aware of the fact that JSO tried to stop migrants from being deported until I mentioned it just now? A lot of these actions, the ones that actually target infrastructure and confront those directly responsible, get little to no media coverage. When news of the Les Mis action first broke out, I saw so many people on Twitter with the same reactionary takes: why target Les Mis when the Conservative Party Conference literally happened the same weekend? And that's a fair and valid point- if it wasn't for the fact that JSO were at the conference. I know this because I was there too. They had a huge bloc in the march and went on to do other actions in the city after the march had ended. The whole thing, the entire 10,000+ strong protest, got maybe 30 seconds coverage on the local news and not even a mention of JSO's presence (or of climate change in general for that matter.) JSO's previous actions directed at fossil fuel companied themselves get very little, if any, coverage compared to their big flashy sports/awards show/performance interruptions.

So yeah, some of JSOs actions are 'performative'. But I don't think it's unreasonable to suggest that even performative actions have their place within the wider struggle. I understand not liking public disruption as a tactic and I understand the issues with it, but I also think it's worth reflecting on why groups like JSO use it.

Editing my draft here to report that earlier today they smashed the frame of a painting that was previously vandalised by the Suffragette movement in 1914. That's a performative action, sure, but you have to admit it makes a point. Just like the tageting of Les Mis, a play about an unjust society and the people striving to change it, makes a point about hypocrisy. It gets the media coverage. We can debate all day about the usefulness of that coverage and if chasing media headlines should be our goal in the first place... but at the end of the day, it's been proven that JSOs membership grows every time they do something like this. It gets more people to join, which means next time it comes round to blocking key infrastructure, they'll be in a stronger position to succeed.

This isn't to say don't criticise them at all! I actually think criticisms like this one are a key part of organising and, done with care, can only make our movements stronger. I have my own issues with JSO- namely, the carelessness with which arrest is actively encouraged/promoted as the only valid form of resistance- but that's a whole other conversation and one that doesn't undermine my support and solidarity for the activists who are doing those actions (and sacrificing a whole lot in the process.) I think mass direct action movements are rarely ever perfect but I also think we need to show solidarity first and foremost when people are trying to do the right thing, especially if how they're doing it is in conjunction with or as a response to other tactics.