#but thankfully I'm not panicking like last night lol

[fitzselfships]

Sorry everyone had to see that last night. That ask combined with all the stress I've been dealing with and my meds seemingly not really working anymore triggered an episode I think but I'm normal now though sooo time to resume my regular Zooble posting :]

[smolldork]

sobriety update: withdrawal edition

ok i am officially... 60+ hours without alcohol after several weeks of not being able to stay dry for a whole day. usually drinking in the morning to not feel hungover, in the afternoon to avoid all the thinking, and in the night to try to get some sleep. just sober enough in day time to pretend i wasn't drinking and to do what i absolutely Had To Do so i wouldn't let anyone down

so yeah, sure, i had a bad time

but i still thought it wasn't bad enough to cause >>>physical<<< dependence, and boy was i wrong about that

withdrawal is dreadful. i wouldn't wish that on anyone and i'm aware mine wasn't even one of the worst ones, i can't imagine what delirium tremens are like. going cold turkey gave me flashbacks of withdrawing from desvenlafaxine lol (my last antidepressant), the sensations were similar but more intense

to name a few: irritability, fatigue, anxiety, shakiness, pain, not being able to think clearly, not being able to sleep, poor balance/coordination, feeling weak, depressed, intermittent fevers, dissociation, my mouth got dry like the desert and i couldn't drink water without feeling SO MUCH NAUSEA I SWEAR... and you may associate some of these with hangovers but 1. i'm an alcoholic, i know what my hangovers feel like, 2. they never lasted me more than a day and they get better along the course of the day, not worse, and oh!! how could i forget!!! 3. the cherry on top was ✨ hallucinations ✨ while i tried, and failed, to fall asleep . . . yeah that was NOT fun, but it wasn't my first time hallucinating so i wasn't so scared

what DID scare me for a moment tho, was that when i finally got to sleep i woke up suddenly and everything was spinning, and i panicked thinking that i had drank and idk forgot about it (as per usual), but the panic was so REAL that i knew i hadn't. it had been so Intense™ to feel something like that in my body again after being numb for sooo long. thankfully, in a fleeting moment of clarity and courage, earlier that evening i had spilled in the bathroom sink all the alcohol i still had hidden in my room. remembering that made me feel safe, because the cravings were kicking in like crazy

slowly, but surely, getting better now. the worst is over, and i truly feel like there are better things ahead. going to church and connecting with people who care about me, even if some of them don't know what i'm going through, has been a beacon of life. i'm very very grateful, and i feel hopeful again 🤍

.

"with man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible” — matthew 19:26

let's gooooo

[sockeye-run]

Wuhuuuuuhhhh it's been such a long past few days, lol.

My husband's friend and his family arrived on Thursday night. Friday was a very busy bee pick up day at work, but I got home a bit early and was able to hang out with everyone for a few hours. We just sat and chatted, it was nice to catch up. The boys decided to go for a food run, unfortunately just as a huge storm was blowing in. On the way home, a massive oak had fallen across the only access road to our house; it had apparently just happened when they encountered it, and one of the other cars stuck behind it happened to have an axe with him and was fruitlessly chopping away. The boys decided to get out anyway, in the thundering rain and wind, and help move what they could. Thankfully, a neighbor with a chainsaw arrived and made quick work of the rest of it. I'm so grateful they weren't hurt in the process and managed to completely clear access to the road for everyone.

Saturday was a painfully early morning, as I opened the cafe for breakfast service. Everything went smoothly though, and my husband brought his friend and his family out to the farm to visit and check it out. They really enjoyed it! And it was so fun to have my own guests there.

Two days prior, a very young kitten had been found alone in the road in front of the farm. He has been kept and taken care of by one of the girls, but they couldn't keep him permanently and were looking for an adopter. Last year my husband's friend had to put his family cat down for illness 💔. And they were more than happy for the opportunity to adopt a new baby! So they even got to leave the farm with a sweet new pet. We got baby kitten supplies on the way home. It seems very healthy and 'normal' and energetic, and they love him.

Sunday we went out to the local east coast style deli for big sammies and some local tourism, but because I live in the small town south, everything else was closed for church, so we just went to the community pool for a few hours instead. They eventually made their way home successfully, and my husband and I crashed hard lol. It seems like it was a good trip for everyone overall.

Yesterday I got to work to learn that there were some issues with last week's bee pick up. The owners were both gone for their son's wedding all weekend, so they depended on us to make pick ups work. Somehow some of the wrong items were handed out, some of the nucleus colonies had significant structural issues, and many more queens than what is normally expected were DOA. On top of these set backs, my coworker began printing and preparing shipments without waiting for our owner's morning meeting mass texts lol, in which she lays out the game plan for the day. This matters because our bee season has been significantly delayed and scrambled up by natural forces outside of our control, as well as a bit of human error, and she is the only one with the master list of shipments and pick ups that are altered to the new timeline. She's been organizing everything by hand at home and contacting the customers individually in order to reschedule their bees, which I can only imagine is a tedious nightmare. We've had thousands of customers this year. And the information we have access to in the office at the farm is outdated and incorrect, so my coworker was starting a huge batch of orders that weren't meant to be ready. The customer gets a notification when their order is marked as 'shipped' which happens automatically when you purchase the shipping label. And she sent out a massive and incorrect bee order to the beekeepers, which sent them into a panicked frenzy as well, desperately trying to prep the impossible. So we had to stop everything, reorganize, and start over, while manually contacting over a hundred customers to apologize for the random shipment notification and figuring out how many bees we actually needed. All while doing normal Monday stuff, fielding regular phone calls, customer visits, and stocking inventory until our eyes bleed.

I tried my best to work on the calendar for the new month so that everyone could have a glance ahead to see what to expect, but per usual, things will change on a weekly and daily basis, so it's almost moot lol. Hopefully we can get back on top of bee orders before the end of the month when we host BuzzFest, our biggest and usually most entertaining event of the year. It's a bee-themed festival from morning till night on the farm with food, music, activities, bees, vending, and more. I can only assume I'll be stuck in the cafe for my first BuzzFest lol, but it'll still be a great time, I'm sure. But it takes us two days on weekends, our usual bee pick ups, to set up, and we're still two weeks behind...

Today is the first of FOUR large field trips at the farm this week. 50+ people today doing a three part experience rotation: hive tour, candle craft, and honey tasting. We're calling in the part timers for register support, but hopefully we can still manage this on top of whatever corrections and shipments need to be made. The guest leading the group called to ask YESTERDAY if she could come over an hour early, just after we technically open, and for reasons unknowable to God and man, the owner told me to say yes 😭. I couldn't get a hold of our head beekeeper, who does the hive tours, so I'm hoping beyond hope he saw the 20 some odd notes I left for him all over the farm lol. It could be a stressful one.

Oh yeah, and I put together and shipped a 'get well soon' package for that poor lady who fell and broke her nose.

I'm very burnt out. I'm finding it impossible to fully relax and re-energize after any form of rest or relaxation or self care etc. I'm still regularly having stress dreams. I'm well past running on fumes, and I'm just grinning nihilisticly through the struggle and bearing as much as I can, ignorantly and toxic-optimistically hoping a random break will just arrive out of the blue soon.

Kitty tax:

[wellnesscard]

almost got lost in the forest skiing two nights ago I was like ummmmmmm Devon is it ok if I go in front bc I'm so afraid of the dark and it had become nightfall bc we got a lil lost while we were out there we ended up taking a snow bike trail all the way to the neighboring town by accident, but while heading up the back I'm like frantically trying to keep no more than five feet distance between us in case a [w****g0] tries to get me and I'm seeing and hearing the fairies but pretending I'm not just eyes forward head down bc that's how they getcha I'm like Stoooooppppp pine trees have been so goblinlike to me lately fr.......... whaddahell that's a person like. Ok demon.. ICU. but I went in front and we skied back to our town and I'm like thank God I brought the headlamps cos we were only supposed to be out there an hour or so but we were prepared to be out there til morning once it hit 6pm and we were still lost thankfully it was a warm night and we stayed hot because of moving around I'm like yeah I could realistically be out here all night without it being a big deal. but essentially what I came here to say was my phone fell outta my pocket while going down this very long steep and narrow downhill trail section where I stacked it about twelve times so I actually missed this whole job opportunity thing bc I couldn't fill out the forms without my phone bc I couldn't get on my email or set up my new secondhand laptop without it either so that sucked and I got really depressed about it and being an epic fail but it's minor and Devon bought my mopey ass some sushi and an orchid and instead of languishing for the next three or four days like I am prone I woke up at 7:30 and went to the Verizon store waited my two hours picking split ends and staring at their fireplace and got the replacement phone so I can be a functioning and wage-earning person and not have to kill myself for being so disappointing and I did this all in record time I replaced the phone two days after I lost it last time I had to replace my phone I waited like six months using an essentially nonoperational thing even tho I'm still on my parents plan and was due for an upgrade anyways and they kept telling me to replace it bc I already lost a job bc they could never contact me and I'm like hey guys. Soon. Anyways I have adhd I'm learning so much every day. the skiing was really fun though I just got really scared when I realized we were lost in the woods after dark but even that fear reaction is so much less panicked than a few years ago it's like I don't need to scream and throw things anymore (usually lol) I just get overwhelmed and need to sit down for a minute. Plus my blood sugar was crashing really hard and the reality that we still had to ski at least three miles was a heavy truth at the time.

[danpuff-ao3]

get to know me game

Doing this since @bluesundaycake so kindly tagged "anyone who wants to do this" (very kind of you, friend!)

Relationship status - taken! Been with my partner for over 6 years now!

Favourite colour - golds, yellows, pinks, oranges

Favourite food - potato. Baked potato, mashed potato, french fries....I will take a potato in all of her glorious forms. Also: catfish and crawfish (cuz I'm a Louisiana girl, if not at heart, at least in my stomach.)

Song stuck in your head - "Strawberry Wine" by Deana Carter. It played while we were out for dinner last night and it's not left my head since.

Last thing you googled - "translate" (I needed Google to tell me how someone had bookmarked a fic LOL)

Dream trip - idk I'm not super picky! I just wanna explore the world, see cool things, eat good food, meet nice people, etc. I have a few specific places in mind, if only for their proximity to friends!

Last book you read - hmmm. I'm pretty sure it was Hellenistic Astrology: The Study of Fate and Fortune by Chris Brennan, or Snape: A Definitive Reading by Lorrie Kim.

Last book you enjoyed - Oh geez. Ummmm. Hmmmm. Who knows? I'm in that weird area of "I've read too many books in my lifetime" but also "I've not actually read a book in a while" (RIP my attention span.) I want to say Wuthering Heights by Emily Bronte, I reread that one last year I think! I love, love, love that book.

Last book you hated - I wanna say...maybe...I'm not sure, exactly, but I distinctly remember whatever it was deeply offended me on some level. And I tried to trudge through it but got fed up with all of the nonsense the author was spouting. Also fairly certain it was a non-fiction book. But what it was exactly, I can't say, and honestly I remember being so upset, I'm not sure I wanna remember the details LOL.

Favourite thing to cook/bake - Omgggg. Banana bread???? I think banana bread. I love baking in general, but banana bread is special. Something about peeling the bananas and mushing them is so satisfying to me. Also: it smells GREAT, and tastes BETTER.

Favourite craft to do in your free time - I used to knit, but I've not done it in a while! I need to practice again because I remember loving it a lot. And I'd like to learn how to bind books!

Most niche dislikes - "niche" is kinda weird to think about but probably hotdogs? So great is my disdain for hotdogs that I can't even watch other people eat them. My whole body goes into red alert. It instinctively recalls the taste and texture of hotdogs, and watching other people eat them triggers my gag reflex. It is truly quite dramatic and embarrassing.

Also Johnny Cash???? People love Johnny Cash. And no offense or anything but hearing his music makes me feel violent towards my ear drums. I'd paint you a picture but it's really graphic, the feelings it stirs in me. Let's just say, I would not have functioning ear drums by the end. (I'm sorry, the original version of "Hurt" is the best, Nine Inch Nails all the way, I can't fight the truth.)

Opinion on circuses - Cool and creepy, I think? Like, excellent visuals, but also seems like a good setting for a horror film.

Do you have a sense of direction and if not what's the worst way you've gotten lost? My sense of direction is nonexistent but thankfully I have Google Maps to guide me. Most of the time.

The most hilarious way I've gotten lost was the last time I went to my doctor's office. Yes, my doctor. The one I visit at least twice a year for necessary medication. The one that's like a five minute drive from my house. That doctor. Yeah. I tried driving there for my last appointment without Google. And missed my turn. And had to loop around. Spent a few minutes panicking because I ended up on a road I'd never been on before. Managed to pull up Google Maps and got myself to my appointment on time, thank goodness.

Tagging - @liladiurne (and anyone who feels like it!)

[babydinojojo]

Day 3/ Entry 3

Okay... maybe I've gotten way too mad at myself last night. I can't really sleep right now so i guess Imma write in here for a bit and then i'm gonna go back to sleep.

Okay forget what i said about the google doc, I will try my absolute best to remember to tell her shit alright, she still loves you Jordan you just need to let go sometimes yk. Okay anyway the Class 700 came out for Train Sim World 3 today so Im gonna be checking that out today. I wonder what skin i should Make for minecraft cause i need something completely original and no i don't wanna use AI cause that's gonna be the death of us Istfg, I don't know it's just i get a mega bad feeling even when i see AI chatbots and shit like they just make me scared for some reason and the fact that its ramping up faster and faster everyday makes me worry about the future... I DON'T WANNA DIE BY A ROBOT, I JUST WANNA LIVE A FULL LIFE AND SEE MY GF KRISY AND HAVE A LIFE WITH HER, NOT JUST DIE BY SOME DAMN ROBOT. Anyway tho I have an off day today surprsingly oh wait i forgot that i didnt have work today and i thought i overslept ;-; bruh, I keep forgetting shit. Which brings me to my next topic

I think i finally might know why i keep forgetting things, I just got way too much going on in the background to remember, I have a short attention span so it's probably because work is making me do more and more shit. Except the past two work days, where we did ABSOLUTELY nothing after my lunch break. That's time where I could have been texting Krisy and spending time with her, but its whatever tho. Oh yea funny story tho from Yesterday lol, Soooo i was on an R62A 6 Train right, and i was riding the City Hall Loop and everything went all and according to plan until we skipped the Fucking Uptown Platform, it went non-stop and i was lowkey panicking cause yea i thought i was on an Out of Service dehead, thankfully we stopped at Canal street, Yea im not gonna be doing the loop after that, speaking of the 6 Train, them R62As are extremely underrated as fuck, for trains that started on the 6 as Single units and then ended up on the 7 and then came back in 2015-2016, they are pretty fast and underrated for a local train.

While we are on the topic of my gf, I think i found some places I would like to show her around

-Brooklyn Bridge Park/Pier

-Barnes and Nobles in Downtown Brooklyn

-Ride around the City Hall Loop and show her the Abandoned City Hall Station which looks absolutely amazing to this day

-Dave and Busters TSQ/Gateway Mall

-Queens Center Mall

Okay yea that's a good list and a good start

Speaking of last night, like I said before i got way WAY too mad at myself last night. Damn.. I never realized how hard I am on myself especially for her. Okay I realize that i need to sometimes let things go, I can't be to hard on myself cause thats gonna end up destroying my confidence and make me start self harming, hasnt happened yet but still, i just gotta breath and chill the fuck out.

On a side note tho, im not sure why but for some reason i have a massive pet peeve when someone uses "Ok" or "K" or "Mk" instead of just saying "Okay" or "Alright. I don't know its just "Ok" or "K" Just seem way more cold and distant, and no in my opinion are not the goddamn same as "Okay"/"Alr"/"Kay"/"M'kay" Its just fucking not the same, like bro next person who "Ok" or "K" me im gonna end up getting pissed at them. Okay fine i'll admit i had way too many people, and no before you ask Krisy is not apart of those people, but still too many people try to pull that dry shit and it always send the goddamn wrong message cause i end up thinking something is the goddamn matter with them, like i said "Ok" and "K" are NOT the same as "Okay" and "Kay" or "Alright"/"Alr"

Well that's all i got for now, lets see where the day takes us shall we

[creativebrainrot]

hooh i am tiredsleepy i need to rest for like two weeks now lol

cw: vent post, actually much chiller than my previous ones recently; relieved venting, however; mentions of abuse

i made a lot of progress sorting things out the past two days and now i need a nap lol especially to recover from the trigger i didnt notice in time. i spent two entire days panicked / anxious. much better now but still sensitive to pattern-deviations. my cat did, a normal cat thing, but it took me off guard so i didnt sleep well last night. all in all, a bad start to the week that I turned around! next goal is to re-introduce myself to my guild. i left somethings out i want to add and i didnt talk much after the intro lol.

its weird, to have to learn socialization at 21. i was so sheltered and isolated, convinced that other people were just like my parent (bad one.) it means that every interaction is scary and liberating at the same time. i have to navigate triggers and i get so so afraid that "something," "very big and bad and scary," will happen. But afterwards, when yknow that isnt what happened, i feel better. its like "my trauma" is a dog scared to death of having its nails clipped, and "i'm" the one trying to convince it that "it wont be that bad, it'll only take a second." except i feel both sets of emotions. so i want to fix it but i have to make myself but, thankfully, "making" myself comes naturally and i come out the other side better for it. just need some rest now. probably gonna hide for a few days to let all this caffeine and anxiety wear off. i dont even know if the triggered state is gone yet, my cat mightve restarted it lol!

(shes fine by the way, just scared herself.)

[iwillpissyourpants]

A new life?

Part three y'all! I'm truly beyond happy with the love this has gotten. I apologize for being a few days late with part 3, my best friend visited and I lost track of time lol. But anyways, enjoy!

for part one, click here

Contains: Angst, hurt/comfort-comes-later, !missing reader

Overview: You had left Mondstadt behind, leaving no clues as to where you had gone. Your family and friends frantically searched, but found nothing. No one knew where you disappeared to... Not even Diluc.

Gn reader, "You/they" pronouns used. This part is Diluc's Pov

Regret and fear was the only feeling permeating his being.

This isn’t how it was supposed to go!

This wasn’t supposed to happen!

If he had known that that evening where he watched you walk to Mondstadt would be the last time he saw you…

He thought he had everything planned out; You return to Mondstadt and he would protect you from a distance until the Abyss Order's attention moved on to something else, then he would explain everything.

Because he knew, he knew you wouldn't have left if he told you the truth.

You were stubborn. You would insist on staying even if it put you in direct danger. You would stand by his side until your dying breath. So he made this plan to keep you at a distance for your safety!

So where were you?

After that night Diluc had spent over a week making preparations to advance against the Abyss Order. He had bought himself time by distancing himself from everyone, leaving nothing behind for the Abyss to take. He had no choice!

They had threatened to go after his loved ones. What else was he supposed to do? Willingly let you into harm’s way?

If you were harmed by his actions, or worse… if you died?

He wouldn’t be able to live with himself.

He had sworn to protect you, and now you were missing.

Between one day and the next, you had vanished from the streets of Mond without a trace. No one knew of you leaving, not your friends, not your neighbors and not even your parents.

And he couldn’t look for you. He couldn’t go asking your family or friends about where you could have gone. All this had happened because he needed to distance himself under the pretense of not caring for you anymore.

He can't let that lie unravel so soon.

He had to find other ways of finding information about your whereabouts, hell, even just a confirmation that you were alive would ease his mind.

And thankfully, rumors and gossip spread like wildfire in Mondstadt.

Hushed discussions on what could have caused the divorce, whispers on how he had made you run away, how he had stayed in Mond and didn't seem to care about your well-being.

And he listened to all of it. It pained him to hear so many false accusations, but what he kept an ear out for was not whispers about him. He listened out for mentions of you.

People talking to each other behind their hands as he walked past on the street.

“Does he even care that they’re gone?”

“I doubt it, that man is emotionless as it is. I’m amazed their marriage even lasted more than a week”

“Do you think he even noticed their absence?”

Of course he did

Of course he noticed, how could he not. How could he possibly forget about you at all?

How could he forget how he found out…

How could he forget how your mother desperately went around asking everyone, anyone, if they knew where you had gone.

How could he forget how your father banged on the door of the winery in the middle of a rainstorm, demanding to know where his precious child was.

The way your parents looked at him. With so much hatred in their eyes...

“This is your fault,” they said.

And it was. It was all his fault. And he was afraid.

When his informants had told him about your mother’s panicked searching, he had been filled with so much fear. Had the Abyss Order taken you? No, they couldn’t have. He was hot on their heels, the Abyss made no move he didn’t see. There was no way you could have been taken without him noticing.

But where were you then?

The knights standing guard at the gate admitted that they had slacked off on the night you disappeared, preferring to go drinking at his tavern. The two guards had received punishment for their misconduct, but no further searching for you was done.

“I’m sorry Sir, but we cannot send out search parties for your child. They are not only an adult who have the right to leave whenever they please, but initial investigation shows that their bedroom and belongings are missing of items that would typically be used when traveling.

All evidence points to them leaving by their own will.

We cannot search for someone who doesn’t want to be found.”

As always, the knights care so little. Always inefficient.

Like he could speak… Diluc himself looked your parents in the eyes and said these words that made him feel sick…

“I care not about the whereabouts of unimportant people.

Do not disturb me with matters unrelated to business.”

And closed the door.

Lies

So many lies

Lies brought him into this mess, why does he continue lying?

Because he can’t let his lies be unraveled. Not now. If they did, you would be in so much more danger. Especially now that he did not know where you were. He couldn't protect you now. His plan was to keep you just within reach, so that he could pull you out of harms way if his plan failed…

And now your not even in his sights anymore…

At the very least, he could agree with the knights on one thing: You had left of your own accord.

But that poses its own question…

Where to?

His heart was suddenly gripped with fear, his mind going to the worst possible scenario.

You wouldn’t…

Would you...?

No, no you wouldn’t. He knows you wouldn’t.

You wouldn’t leave your family behind like that. Just because you left, it doesn’t mean it's the worst case scenario. Besides, your travel clothes and satchels were gone as well as supplies from your home. You had the intention of traveling.

But where-

“-luc? Hey Diluc!”

Snapped out of his thoughts he looked up at the person adressing him on the other side of the counter.

‘Oh yeah, I’m at the tavern.’

He completely forgot he was even working. He was so worried about you... Not even his sound reasoning and logic was not enough to calm the storm growing inside him...

The man in front of the bar waved his empty glass in front of Diluc's face, much to his annoyance.

“So can I get a refill or not?”

He hated rude customers. They were the gossiping type, talking behind other peoples backs after only a few drinks. They were one of his best sources of information though, so he tolerated them.

“Come on, I’m not waiting all night.”

Barely.

With a scoff he turned to the shelf behind him. “Fine.”

He shouldn’t get so distracted. If gossip and rumors bring any information about your whereabouts to him, he has to be aware to hear it.

‘I won’t rest until I know you’re safe, Love.’

‘I promise.’

previous / next

taglist: @immi547 @incendiotriaaa @lokirutherfordnox @foryoutheworldfan @redactedhimbo @heizou-thedetective @edenwrites @iliveformumyth @felkie @lollulroofl @5sos-wdw @lolnoone @eliciana @nanaoya @chiisananingen @rizakari @scarlettnanami @depressedbutnoregrets @dilucqwq @seungyaolee @glue-bottle @simp-for-fictional-character @atsukawolfcat @emryslikefrombbcmerlin

If your name is in bold, it means i couldn't tag you for some reason! Sorry!

If you want to be added to the Taglist of Pain™️, just ask and it will be so! Similarly, if you want to be removed from the taglist just ask.

[tartagilicious]

Can you write a Lawrence/MC after his ending where he leaves one day to go supply hunting and the MC is finally able to escape but she sees him getting attacked by a couple of guys and decides to save him because she ultimately does still care about him then when she gets him back to safety and is taking care of him he asks why she helped him instead of leaving and she just says something like "because I'm not you" then maybe he can reflect. Sorry if that's too detailed lol

I really like this prompt you gave me, personally, though I did change it slightly. I had a fun time writing this. It turned out better than most of my requests usually do!

* no editing on the second half because 😔✌️im sick and I don’t feel like it that’s all lol so I apologise for any mistakes

—

You shudder when you hear the basement door slam shut, suddenly leaving you alone in the all-but-homey basement yet again. When Lawrence had initially saved you from the horde of zombies, he had made sure to mention that there was enough food to keep both of you going for a while — almost as if it was supposed to be equal to a sort of incentive for coming with him and leaving your other friends to die.

But, in retrospective to the virus, it wasn’t necessarily a bad promise.

You had liked Lawrence at one point, and as hard as it may have been to know that, your opinion of him couldn’t change that fast. He was smart, empathetic, and even if you didn’t like it, he always knew what he was doing. There was no choice but to trust in him then, especially when his iron grip on your wrist unfairly startled you into it.

Yet, ironically, it was the last straw when his calculations ended up being wrong.

Supplies dwindled faster when he thought you were comfortable enough to being doing so, but he was stuck when he realised how close you were actually cutting it. You suddenly had to worry about your food again rather than the man in front of you, and it was scary. It really was.

To be so young and stare despair in the face isn’t something you ever pictured yourself doing, but now, you do it helplessly everyday in the reflection of circle framed glasses.

You flip on the light switch again when you’re sure that Lawrence is gone, and immediately sink to the floor. Emotions pour out of you in the form of stagnant breaths, leaving you choking on the musty air. This happens often — you bottle up the very emotions Lawrence encourages you to share, and let them out when he can’t see.

Maybe it’s petty of you. But you don’t care.

Because the last thing you want is for him to see you break down. You’re powerless enough around the boy as it is.

But this time, the swirl of complicated emotions in chest isn’t just from the usual; it’s fear. You had forgotten about the crushing reality of the apocalypse outside, and how hard it really was to survive. No matter how cunning Lawrence pretended to be, life always had the last laugh.

You sit slumped against the wall for god knows how long, trying to find peace in the messy cracks on the walls. But you give up when they begin to blend together, and only finally avert your eyes when you begin to see them shifting.

It has taken you a long time to learn that reality is altered in the place you’re forced to call home. Dark days are filled with pleasant treatment from your so-called admirer, but leave deep scars on you no amount of love can fix. You sadly think that not even your eyes know what to see anymore as you try to blink away your confusion, adjusting to the room around you instead.

The basement had become unfavourable in almost no time flat, with its lonely walls and industrial scheme — and especially the twisted safety inside of it. It was moments like those that you looked at the stairs leading up to ground level and wondered what would happen if you just decided to leave everything behind.

If I left Lawrence, would he hunt me down again?

That thought keeps you grounded every time.

But your intrusive thoughts already have a streak of zero to one, and before you can stop it, your curiosity leads you up the basement stairs implanted deep in your memory and onto the ground floor.

He’s not here, he can’t do anything about it. Stop worrying.

Then you realise that you have no business worrying about Lawrence, someone who is god knows where, when such a mess is in front of you. The hallway’s routine scent of old blood fills your nose faster than you can react, immediately calling up tears. Your memories of the friends you’d lost burn brightly in your head — and the memories of seeing their faces for the last time makes you sick.

In a daze, you turn away and pinch your nose. Tears catch in your lashes and make your vision blurry as you open your eyes while you walk away, but you don’t care. You just want to get away.

Cautiously, you hug your jacket tighter around you as you get closer and closer to the doors. It’s been months since you’ve been let out of the basement, much less outside — and you have no idea what to expect. Did the government make any progress? Or, assuming the worst, has the virus really begun to do lasting damage?

You’re afraid to find out, but with the adrenaline and fear pumping through your veins, you push the doors open without a second thought. It’s a stupid idea, but when you’re stuck between the fear to escape and the fear to stay put, there’s only so many things you can do.  

Sly footed and calm: that’s what Lawrence has always told you to be in the presence of a zombie. But strangely, and thankfully, you don’t see a single other moving thing as you manoeuvre the door to quietly shut.

Time moves slowly as you stand there and think. You’re anxious in the premonition that a zombie will pop out, and because of this your thoughts are jumbled, but you still manage to remember the bare details you’d so scoured over about the safe zone the night before you were supposed to leave with your friends.

It shouldn’t be hard if I don’t stop for anything. You think to yourself. Maybe I’ll prove those men from before wrong and make it there fast.

That would be best.

The fact that you hadn’t thought to grab any weapons alarms you, but you spot what looks like the old remnants of a plank of wood a few feet away and figure it’s good as anything.

It’s slightly heavy to lug along, but you walk fast in your nervousness, so you don’t see the big deal in it as long as you keep pace. And you do so as quietly as possible, scared beyond belief at the possibility of your luck going dry and leading you to encounter exactly what you hope to avoid.

Yet it seems like your luck is about to run out when you hear the unmistakable grunt of a group of zombies. No more than a few, you think, but it’s still a few too many. And like the sensible person you think yourself to be, you’re about to distance yourself from them as fast as possible.

But then you hear something else. Something else distinctly human that you can’t help but stop a second time for. Betraying every nerve in your body that screams for you to move, you stop for the sole chance of finding someone else.

You curse under your breath as you grip the plank tighter in your grip, the pieces digging into your skin as you peek around the corner in front of you — close, and also the very place that the ruckus is coming from.

Though you seriously consider retreating back again when you notice that it’s Lawrence having a hard time. He seems to be handling the small group of zombies around him fairly well, anyway, armed with a short metal pipe and his normal malicious intents.

Still, he’s not superhuman. It’s obvious that he’s getting tired, and might not even last much longer if he lets that get to him.

Would it matter if he dies?

He’s all I have left.

He locked you up.

He doesn’t treat me badly.

He killed your friends.

You have a hard time arguing with the devil on your shoulder on that one. But your good senses, still intact, luckily come back in time to help you figure out what to do in the nick of time.

There’s nothing that will come out of leaving Lawrence to die. As much as you’ve admittedly fantasised about something ripping him away and finally freeing you, you would be at a disadvantage without his guidance. Lawrence’s leader qualities hadn’t gone anywhere, and it wasn’t as if his good traits never existed.

As much as you hate to say it, there’s a part of you that still cares about him.

Gritting your teeth, you rush in and make your presence known. All of your emotion is projected into a hit that knocks a particular zombie back onto the ground, and completely startling Lawrence to an extent that it almost makes you proud.

“What are you doing?” He hisses, but he doesn’t sound angry. His eyes are wild and panicked, but not in the same way you’d seen when he killed that man all those months ago — he just seemed scared. “Why are you here?”

You hold your tongue as much as you can. “That doesn’t matter, focus on what’s in front of you!”

A guttural noise of disapproval makes its way out of his throat, but dissolves upon the movement of his arms swinging the pipe directly into a zombie’s distorted face. You do the same to the ones closer to you, using the piece of wood to slam up to where their chin should be and knock them back a considerable distance so that when they came back, they were easier for Lawrence to deal with.

The system works well with your teamwork, and soon enough, all of the zombies that had gathered are at your feet.

The atmosphere is so tense you expect him to start yelling even there, but surprisingly, he doesn’t.

“Thank you, ___.” He pants, his face slightly red as you just stand there and take in his words. “I don’t know what would have happened if you weren’t there to help.”

You nod hesitantly, finally letting the plank rest against your legs as it had grown heavy.

“...But, why did you help me?” He asks this with bunched brows, as if the prospect confuses him. And you’re glad it does, because still, the last thing you want is misunderstanding the way you feel.

“Because I’m not like you.”

Something in Lawrence’s eyes shifts, similar to realisation. If only it was.

“Come on,” You wave a hand reluctantly, motioning for him to follow you. “Let’s go somewhere safer before any more show up.”

He just stares at you, completely uncharacteristically quiet. But you would be lying if you said it didn’t finally make you feel powerful.

Maybe, from now on, things can be different.

— 

read more of my works! ♡

[deadbydelight]

I'm in love with soulmate au so maybe a dbd killer of your choosing x reader with soulmate. Like name or the first thing they say. Would be awesome if you did Max the hillbilly with something written on him. Thank you if you do! 😊

This somehow took me so long to finish because of life being harsh lol but I did it and I made it sweet and fluffy cuz why not ? Hope you like !

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Hillbilly x reader (soulmate AU)

You had heard about the rumors around the Coldwind farm. How supposedly a monster or something like that was haunting the place, how you could faintly hear a chainsaw sound if you were close enough to the property...

And you intended on discovering exactly what was in there. You were what you might say, an explorer of haunted places, you had a video channel as well as a blog where you had quite the number of followers and subscribers. You were curious and adventurous, a lot of people said that it would be the death of you... As the expression said, curiosity killed the cat, but satisfaction brought it back.

You had everything with you, a bagpack with everything necessary for exploration, a flashlight, food, water, ropes, a heavy jacket with a scarf and gloves, your phone and last but not least, your faithful camera.

"Alright guys, here I am, ready to explore the famous Coldwind Farm, you know the one ! Wish me luck!" You exclaimed happily to the camera, your breathing making cloudy pattern in the chilly air of the night.

You were well aware of the fact that no one would answer to your ask for cheering, but it was mostly for the sake of the video. It wasn't easy to stand out in all the people doing exploration stuff, let's not forget you were a lone wolf too, but you were quite proud of what you accomplished so far.

"I'll begin with a brief tour of the farm, then I'll try to get inside, so far so good, haven't heard the famous chainsaw at all... for now."

As you advanced in the unfamiliar place, you felt a shiver ran up your spine. You felt... observed. However you weren't one to back off from such a place just because you had a feeling about it.

"Damn..." you muttered as you made your way in an abandonned corn field.

You had come accross a really large tree on which several cows were hanging, grossly killed and their body pierced by hooks. You made a mental note of putting a warning for this in the video because it might shock and terrorize people and you didn't want that. You were starting to feel a little nauseous yourself, but would that stop you? Nope.

After 20 minutes of exploring you finally heard the famous chainsaw noise... But it was far from where you were at the moment.

"Urg I don't know if I'll have enough content to post this damn video... Am sure as hell ain't sleeping here" you grumbled under your breath (a bit that you would cut from the video of course).

You decided to finally go explore what remained of the actual farm, hoping that you'd find something nice and scary (some might call you crazy but hey, this was how you paid the rent so yeah). Nothing really extraordinary happened either as you went inside. The wood was creaking everywhere, eaten by thermites and the many days of rain that made the walls rot. All in all, the greatest danger here was to be killed by the farm collapsing on itself.

You sighed dramatically, deciding to stop the recording here. But as you looked down on your camera you froze. There was a very big shadow on the floor, and you knew for sure it wasn't yours. You even stopped breathing all together, a sudden wave of panic crashing through you, yet you stayed perfectly still, staring intently at your camera and the shadow. How could you not hear this guy come? Maybe it was all the noises made by the old wood, but now you could hear the mysterious stranger clearly. It was breathing so heavily, it sounded like a mix of an animal and an actual engine.

You began walking, mechanically. Acting like you didn't notice the silhouette that was clearly right behind you. It followed, walking at your exact pace so that you wouldn't hear its footsteps. So whatever it was, it had some kind of intelligence. You gulped as silently as you could, and when the abrupt noise of a chainsaw being turned on right behind you roared, you didn't think twice. You made a mad dash out of the building, throwing the camera without any second thoughts for the rents or anything video related, you just wanted to live.

The wind was cold on your teary face and it was difficult for you to run on the muddy ground, since it rained the day before that. You felt like the mud was slowing you down more than anything and you almost lost it here and there when you heard the chainsaw so close to you. In a desperate attempt, you plunged to your left as you arrived near a tree, getting mud all over you and hurting your ankle along the way. It seems like you were lucky, because whatever was pursuing you with its chainsaw literally crashed on the tree you were just nect to. It yelled, so loud you swore you could have lost an ear right here and there with the decibels. Finally, you had a clear vision of what exactly was haunting the Coldwind Farm. To your surprise it was still... Mostly human.

Still an impressive height, but its face was somehow very diformed, skin completely twisted on its face and shoulder. You could see some actual features on the face, but you could tell that whatever this guy was born as, it wasn't treated as it should have been. It's spine was totally torn and you could see that there was some effect of heavy malnutrition.

You should have run away here and there. Sprint home and never look back. But you couldn't help the slight fascination and curiosity bringing you to stay right here and observe it... No, observe him. You were now fairly sure that he was as human as you. He was still yelling, his chainsaw stuck in the tree and moving his arms wildly as if it had been... Hurt?

You got up as silently as you could, noticing that, indeed, splinters of woods were struck on his right arm. You winced at the sight, it looked really painful. You took the risk of stepping toward him, but this caused him to pay attention to you once again. He stared right back at you and you swore you lost your breathing at it.

So many emotions swirled in those pupils, almost hidden by the skin difformity. Pain, anger, sadness, confusion... But what you mostly saw was fear. He started growling at you, like an animal endangered, and it's where you noticed that even though his chainsaw was stuck in the tree and he was hurt, he still had very nasty looking hammer in his other hand, covered in what you assumed was fresh blood. You took a deep breath. After all, this might just be the end of you.

"Look, I promise I want to help you alright?"

At first he didn't seem willing at all to listen to you, still thrashing around and growling menacingly. But as you approached him while keeping your hands raised to show you wouldn't try anything he seemed to calm down. When finally you were right next to him you shivered, not exactly sure of what you were doing.

"I'll take a look at your arm alright ?"

You were sweating heavily and you could feel his ragged breathing caressing your skin. It was like trying to reassure a wild animal. You made a face  at the shards that were stuck on his arms, they were stuck deeply, blood spilling in thin tricklets. This looked painful.

"I'm going to open my bag and use some product to help you heal. Ok? Ok"

At this point you didn't care anymore, you just wanted to try to help him at least. He was still looking at you warily, but at least he stopped moving so much. You pulled some tweezer that you had in your emergency case and looked straight back at him.

"This is going to hurt. You're ready?"

He stared at you, his eyes boring into yours, then closed them, a silent way to give you the go ahead. You stopped breathing and went to work. He tensed when you began pulling out the shards but he didn't make a single sound. You almost let out a "good boy" that you thankfully kept in your head. You kept caressing very lightly his arm after each shard, trying to soothe as him much as you could.

Why did you want to help him so much? There was something in those eyes that entranced you. You saw more humanity in those eyes than a good number of people you met.

When finally you pulled out the last shard, you allowed yourself to be less tense.

"Good job. This is going to hurt too, but I need to clean your wounds."

He tilted his head at you, maybe wondering what you were doing... or why. He seemed to somewhat understand what you were saying. He grunted when you cleaned his wounds but stayed perfectly still, allowing you to work just fine. Finally you reached for the bandages, rolling it slowly around his arm. You froze as you noticed a little detail on his upper arm. There, on the malformed and bruised skin was a neat handwriting.

Look, I promise I want to help you alright?

Was this really..? You so didn't know what to do. You started panicking a bit inside. Were you hallucinating? You had lost hope of finding that one person so long ago, part of you couldn't believe it. How could you be sure anyway? This guy didn't seem to even know how to talk. You finally came back to your sense when he started to get his arm back. You didn't even realise you were gripping him so hard.

"Oh..." you blushed awkwardly, not really knowing what to say and embarassed by what you just said. "Sorry, I uh, I didn't mean to..."

You were having difficulties forming the words out of your head. Everything was going too fast. He was still staring at you, warily but also curiously. He probably had no idea of what you were doing. And to be honest, you neither.

"I need to go!" You finally cried out all of sudden, making him jump.

You didn't give him the time to react as you ran away from Coldwind Farm. You took a look back, he was still there, staring and unmoving.

"I'll come back alright?! I promise!" you yelled, and you could tell was more and more confused.

But he made a noise. As if saying "alright". This was fine by you. And come back you did. At first it was once a week. Then it became everytime you could actually visit him. You did some research on who lived here before. Turn out it was a farmer couple. They had a son named Max Thompson Junior that was never even brought to school. It didn't take you long to put two and two together, you had deduced that he had been abused by his parents, never properly taken care of and possibly never allowed to have affection in any form.

It made you sick to know that parents would reject their own kid like this... moreover he possibly was your soulmate, so that struck a chord. You still weren't entirely sure that Max was indeed your soulmate, after all he never really said anything understandable apart from noises, their intensity varying with his mood.

At first he was still wary of your visits but you warmed up to him so much, he actually got used to your presence. All that you had in mind was to see him, the more the better, the video could wait... you also discovered that he loved all types of little snacks you brought to him and you were more than happy to make him discover all the delicious food he had never even had the chance to taste before.

Once again you were off to see him, bags filled with all types of food rather than survival supplies. He was there, standing near the corn field, his eyes seemingly lost in the scenery.

"Hey Max!" You called, waving your arm around.

He jumped a bit a your voice (he was quite sensitive to sounds) but turned toward you his face lighting up and the hint of a smile forming on his mishapen lips.

"H...Hey."

You froze at the first word that were finally formed by his mouth. It had been weeks. And finally after hours of you talking to him almost non stop, even though no one took the time to teach him how to speak, he had put the effort to salute you back, just like you always did when you went to see him.

His voice was raspy and almost inaudible by the lack of use but it was there. Tears started rolling on your cheeks and your bag fell on the ground, forgotten in your rush of emotion. He whined alarmingly, not liking seeing you cry like this. Were you hurt? Did someone upset you ? Did HE upset you? His eyes were lit by  worry and panic and you hurriedly dried your tears with your arm, hiccuping a bit.

"Don't worry Max, those are not tears of sadness or pain... I'm just... so happy!"

You showed him your own arm, sleeves rolled up. There was written one small little world. One word that made you go crazy at first. After all what kind of soulmate would just tell you Hey? But right now it felt like the most beautiful word you could hear. After all, he took it upon himself to say it to you.

"You see this? This means we were made from one another !"

You abruptly ran to hug him. He didn't even move with the force but he tensed a bit, not used to the contact, but he eventually relaxed and hug you back, a light but secure grip around you. You weren't even sure if he had any idea about the soulmate thing, but somehow you had a feeling he knew. As he started slowly dancing in a circle with you still in his arms, you had a feeling that he knew.

And you couldn't be happier.

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All the fluff for this sweet boy , I hope it's good enough aaaa