#but so far im just sorry for angela

[alasy]

is city of girls actually good? i've only seen positive reviews on instagram and that's why i picked it up, but it's been so hard to get through the first 100 pages that i'm actually wondering whether im even reading the right book

[brambletakato]

Tagged by @alto-tenure ! I haven’t heard of this poll before, but I was delighted to be included ❤️

Rules: Make a poll of your favorite female characters, as many or little as you want, and have your followers vote on one!

Tagging: @puzzlefaggot , @justkillingthyme , @bearofohu , @magpie-trinkets

[nieranddear]

I know it was probably supposed to be to be in tags but I soon realized that it just Couldn't possibly fit so... here is a whole 3k+ word semi structured ramble on the matter [being Ayin and what the hell that man is] and my own thoughts on him. I hope you’re fine with it

Sympathetic, yes. Excused and able to be seen as a saint or the sort where his actions are 'justifiable' or that he is a 'good man'? Oh fuck no. Absolutely not. How about a Monster? Easily a flat out no. Does that make him a horrible person or ‘bad person’? I can’t say for sure as the definition of both depends on who you ask, but in mine it he isn’t a ‘bad person’. It would be far easier to be able to call him a bad person. A Monster. But he isn’t. He’s a person with numerous sins and blood on his hands but ultimately he is just a Person. Human. Painfully Human. Mind you, I've only played Lobcorp. Nothing on Ruina so perhaps my opinion may change. I will say this first. Just because he expresses guilt and remorse, just because he actively shows and expresses care for those around him in forms to where it was true and unfiltered [Abel “ Fatigue and Waiting” meltdown, Abram “Regret and Atonement” meltdown, day 40 literally deadass] it doesn't mean shit to those he hurt if he, Ayin, the man at his core, doesn't go ahead and attempt to Make It So his wrongs are even somewhat put right. Which he does. In a way that I’ll talk about in mixed feelings later. It doesn't resolve him of the 'sins' or his faults. But he is so so painfully Human. Which is why I do like him, as a character at least, and can feel sympathy for his plight. Just because one feels sympathy doesn’t mean that the person they can feel it towards is ‘clean’ or doesn’t hold ‘sin’ or, in a way that sounds less pretentious and used more commonly in the internet, ‘unproblematic’.

Perhaps the main problem with him is that he never did Stop. A huge thing when revolving around him. Not looking back, refusing in a way and unable in another. Be it in needing progress, to a want to achieve the goal he sees entrusted onto him from, seemingly, a woman he joined the project for and solely for as “...She wanted to save them, and guide their souls back… to dedicate herself to save humanity. Yet I, who held no such ambition, had to continue her legacy” [Day 50]. No such ambition to save humanity, for he “Lost [his] heart” and had known for a “very long time.”. Yet he didn’t stop and continued to carry her will and bring the Project to an end and was determined to do so by any means necessary For Her. Be it by not turning around to look at the bodies along his path or the fact guilt holds so heavy on his body he doesn’t look to see such a thing [Elijah, Binah's story [4] "And what happened to that coward? The one who with fear averted his gaze from my dying one." “Erasing your memories and running away from them as if nothing happened is your age-old specialty.”, Day 40 and the existence of the cognition filter in the first place and the response ‘Can you stop the recording, please?’, Abel on Day 47 “Yet you did not care to witness his final moments.”]. Or dulling himself to the atrocities he gradually grew and tumbled down into as the domino chain kept falling and the thorns along that past never subsided, getting even more grueling of a path to endure as time went on. The part that has me struggle to pin him as a ‘mastermind’ or the sort is the fact he Does express that guilt and remorse and even acknowledgement for his faults and acts.

Even though I did say it ‘didn’t mean shit’. Yes, to those he hurt it doesn’t, yet it doesn’t automatically disqualify either side’s pain. You can’t just go ahead and decide that one person’s suffering isn’t able to be taken into account solely due to the fact they also inflicted pain and hurt. Even if you don’t agree nor forgive, it still Does exist. If you shut out another solely due to the fact of personal vendetta or general hate you’re still silencing another. Yes, you can have an opinion but completely disregarding another, even if you did deem them ‘horrible’, is still Disregarding Another’s Feelings and Pain or even how they got to that point. He is someone that holds care. Yet he is also someone who did some unforgivable shit. Which is fine to not be fine with. But focusing on one side, that part of ‘Cruelty’ or part of ‘Affection’ without acknowledging the other is still ignoring the facets of the man. Which he has many of. He is someone that shows remorse and has a whole struggle with existing which can be seen in the later days. He is someone that can be seen calling it what it is. [Abram’s mentioning of them becoming “cruel” “We destroyed everything while holding her warmth in our hands.” Abram in his entirety even if the words are soaked inside guilt and self-hate it’s still aware of the actions, of day 50 and in its entirety “As you can see, we’ve become just like other Wings, committing atrocities just like them. The employees here have repeated hundreds upon thousands of deaths… My friends were robbed of their lives and trapped in this cycle of agony… All while I just sat and watch, justifying it all as the means to realize her ideal. This sin shall never be forgiven.”, Day 47’s “You realized how innocent, talented souls of young persons were trapped into machines by your hands, haven’t you?”] The idea of ‘Well why didn’t he Just stop? Just Notice it then? Not Do all of these heinous acts? Why didn’t he talk to Michelle and not experiment on Giovanni? Why didn’t he not force the procedure on Gabriel and not turn around and be safer with the key and with Elijah?’ It’s because he’s Human. He, Ayin, is a man shown to not stop at any means to realize a goal. Ayin is a man who doesn’t seem to be able to stop in his own mind, as shown before, and also a man who quite literally Didn’t Realize at the time what would happen with Elijah and Gabriel. Of the hazy specifics on the experiment with Enoch which was voted for as they didn’t want to lose their ‘binding light and ideal’ Carmen [Who is ultimately Human I love Carmen but this is a post about Ayin]. A man good with machines and the scientific part of things, methodical in the creation of a script, yet lacking inside the aspects that relate to the emotional response [See the ‘Old Lab’ as I don’t quite know the name so that is what I’ll be referring to it as with Michelle, Gabriel, Elijah, the lack of words to Daniel in the end, hurting the heart of the man that stayed by him to the end where he left as well. The obsession and drive for the project causing those nearby him to die. For the drive to get results and progress on research to complete the goal causing him to also be blinded by that and finally directly have blood on his hands with Giovanni not including the self blame of ‘driving her to her death’ (Paraphrased) with Carmen.] It’s only after the fact and after he is forced to stop [The Project halting in a way and the loops taking place over years and years] or after the fact itself [The talks from A when a Core Meltdown is about to happen and after it does is known to be after the fact though the actual time of realization is hazy, either it be directly after the death or awhile after, but it doesn’t matter as it is a realization that occurs after the tragedy happened] does he realize the mistakes and faults when looking back. [This can also be seen in Abel in his entirety. “We were too naive. I could only realize what wrongdoings we have done after transiently passing all these years.”]

It’s the fact he is self-reflective in the terms of knowing his faults after the fact, the fact he punishes himself [Loops, Binah [4] “Why is he down here suffering the same punishment as I?”, Day 35, Direct calling of this as a ‘Prison’ multiple times.], the fact that even still he persists for the wish of another when wanting to “Fade” and “Be forgotten” [Day 47,  Hokma Story 5, the elaborate farewell that is day 50, the desire and want to “Fade away without a trace” seen inside the Final Days and Hokma’s Story 5], the fact he sinks so commonly into the pit of guilt and regret [Abram in his entirety huge emphasis on Abram and his existence, Day 38 “It was also my role to butter you up with plain words, to help you avoid sinking into the pit of guilt”, Day 40 Again.], the fact he tries to rectify his mistakes and still pursue the goal of another, all for another [Day 43 “ I did not approve of you placing the Sephirot here. However, you told me that your atonement and the awakening of the Sephirot were key to the untying of this knot I lie in.”, the fact he sees himself as a core cause of Carmen’s death and feeling as he needs to complete her will in a way because of her no longer being there, the whole facility being ‘Penance’ mentioned by Adam who is a whole other thing that is fairly simple yet wordy to even talk about]. Ayin is a Man. Not a monster. Nor a genius manipulator that pulled every single string for his Script brings the ‘play’ to conclusion and the Project to its end in that part but still neglects various this [being emotional/mental aspects which is a common thing with him. That and completely lacking Angela in the end without her ever getting a conclusion in his script. STUPID script by the way]. He’s a Man who, when running to a goal, wouldn’t look back and almost in a way couldn’t for he had to bury that emotional response to be able to bear it all. A man who, inside his grief, is seen and stated to be is irritable and irrational [Snow Queen entry, Day 31 “If a ray of sunlight breaks your heart and collapses your mind with longing and nostalgia… And seeing plants outside evokes an unknown rage, tearing down your rational thought… Then we have no choice but to stay underground”]. A man who acknowledges himself [Abram] that he isn’t “normal” nor sane. A man who saw that he needed to bury his emotions underneath rationality and for his goal and who, scarily, started to become numb and apathetic to the acts the longer they went on. Became numb. Those actions that instilled fear, as it was stated to be fear, slowly happening again and again and causing the numbness. Just… the entirety of the Final Days and especially day 47 on this specific matter. Lobotomy corporation is a wonderful game I adore but it doesn’t know the word ‘subtly’ in any manner of speaking. If it wants to communicate something, it’ll say it upright. Which makes it a bit more confusing when some words may be seen as deceitful . Yes, it’s a good thing to think about the intent behind the words, but also just the plain style of how the story is delivered doesn’t make much wiggle room as it ends up plainly laying it out to the reading. It’s Very Clear on it. You see the struggles of the Sephirot, and then it is mirrored inside A, Ayin, himself. That’s how the game is also literally structured. Needing those answers from the Sephirot who mirror his own agony and struggle  in order to tell those resolutions and resolves he saw inside those people to the fragments of himself.

I totally understand why people would hate him or dislike him as a character. He's hurt so many people and taken so many lives. Done things seen as 'too far' which, yeah, absolutely can see that and I'm not excited to learn about how exactly the rest of this City functions as well. Do I believe him to be a monster? Nothing of the sort. All of his struggle stems from the fact he is so rawly Human. Do I believe he needs to be forgiven? No. No. I don't believe he should be for his actions. I don't think he Needs to be forgiven. I think they need to, his faults, be addressed. In fact it feels weird when people just forgive him for it all. He, himself, states something of the like on Day 50. He's left so many with wounds and scars that won't heal. Hurt the hearts of those nearby him and left until there was none and then only Angela which I’m not well equipped to talk about as from what I’ve heard LOR discusses her own journey and pains. But I feel as if saying he's a ‘monster’ completely ignores the other parts of his character which Are There. He’s not a messiah or anything idealized, nor is he without fault, nor does that pain and guilt erase everything. He's a person who is stubborn and adamant on achieving something when he goes ahead and dedicates himself to a cause. He’s someone who doesn’t communicate and whose face is commonly flat most of the time and seen to be in the memories at the least [Hokma, Gebura story, Day 50 expressions]. He's someone who held such love in his heart as I tend to point out in other parts and get stuck on, they used ‘Loved ones’ to describe the others. He’s someone who fully felt as if the will to live and exist died the moment Carmen did, as if his life held no meaning, as if dependent on her [Day 47 stated, shown in practice further Day 48].  He’s someone who used justifications and passing things off in the sake of a goal that he clings to as it was one of the only things he had left of Carmen at that point, especially since it was a request asked of Carmen herself. Justifications for numerous amounts of agony and torment. Grief that shrouded his actions in pain and irritability and cruelty. Yet a man who also still holds himself accountable and hates himself for feeling unable to protect those people who he considers dear to him. A man who deems himself and his existence as "very wrong". "Wrong from the start."

It feels as if some people are reluctant to bring up aspects of him? Brought up before it feels as if a layer or aspect of Ayin is taken and then the other parts of him fall to the wayside. Not quite sure where to go with this but it's a thing that feels as if it occurs. I say feel for I can't find any actual concrete examples so I won't say 'notice' or that it 'totally does happen!' so I'll leave that thought as this small section since I can't elaborate further

Ayin is Fucked. Absolutely, thoroughly. Yet in a way that the patterns and rationale for being brought to that point is understandable of How. I can’t find it in me to look for sources right now but from what I remember it’s as if Carmen was his only source to strive for. A blinding beacon that wasn’t like any other who had an earnest wish to save and support those inside this hell hole of a City that so easily seems to cut down and devalue life. One stated to be of survival where fear needs to be consumed to continue on living. Of one so focused upon advancements where the idea of empathy has degraded, systematically at least in that stand point. Endless continuation stepping over the bodies of others. Yet Carmen was always said and shown to be so vastly different. It feels as if he kind of clung to her in a way. As if a whole part of him physically Died the moment she could never smile anymore. Almost extremely dependent. It's easy to see how a man so attached could end up doing such things if it seems as if the person he felt took his Being away when she died asked it of him. Do I think that Ayin was doing this completely inside of how she would’ve wished or wanted? NO. She literally states herself that her goal wasn’t to become a wing yet L corp ends up as a wing for reasons relating to the monitoring of the Head. One of MANY examples, the other being the, oh I don’t know, numerous amounts of bodies they had to step over with. Perhaps the "Unique cruelty unable to be found in any other wing." Yet it's also stated that Ayin’s very heart is described as a void where the pieces of a heart used to be or something along those lines. That he shows a crushing and suffocating amount of guilt for everything. That he closed his eyes and ears to everything to become numb. Yet a facet of himself still basically berates and Knows deeply and regrets for if he didn't why the Hell would Abram exist? Yet, again, this brings into the fact that just because he regets it all and shows remorse and a want for repentance if he doesn't actually end up doing something relating to it or even communicate it to others it, on its own, won't 'Mean' much. I say 'mean' as emotions do, even if not communicated, have weight. But also this is a man who had done horrific, heinous shit. Let's see some Change, brother, come on man stop getting stuck inside that cycle and idea of the inability to move forward or change the past actions you also hate and the path you took that stripped you away of what could be considered your 'humanity'. Learn to. Well. Live. Live with it, too. Which is a whole thing they're trying to get people to do. Live. Not just survive. Practice what you want to bring forth and preach, man. Even if it were for the sake of another. Do it for her...

[Next part is from souly the perspective of someone that has yet to Play LOR but will soon.]

On the idea of how they handled him at the end of Lobcorp…. It leaves a bitter taste in my mouth. I HOPE. I HOPE that they bring him back. Not in a way to where he has to be an active figure, but more of to where he can’t just fade away or forgotten the way he yearned to. I want that fucker to face what he has done. I don’t want him to be able to fulfill the Seed of Light Project and that’s it. There’s so much he has to atone for. It feels almost cheap to just have it seemingly stop at day 50 the way it did. I Want him to be able to atone [not to be confused with needless and endless berating for it will get nowhere]. To try and own up to his actions. To be that ‘better person’ he so deems himself incapable of being constantly. To not ‘Fade’ like he so wants to and actively yearns for and that want to die. No one has to forgive nor forget. I don’t want that shit to be swept under the rug so doing such a thing would feel flat. Gaping wounds he left behind hadn’t ever been fully addressed. The Sephirot found their reasons and ability to keep going in the Company but never really any active repentance or show of remorse Directly To Them by Ayin. Hey, big problem with Ayin, He Doesn’t Communicate Or Express when he is feeling things. One of the only reasons we as the viewer are even able to sort him out internally is because we see it all from His View. God I just HOPE that they do something more with him. They made a character that encompasses all of the struggles and pains of the others, yet not just used as a narrative device for ‘hey, get better and push on! Face your past! Confront it and even if you can’t find the ‘Answer’ or ‘Reason’ to now, just the ability to change and face and bear it is a start to even begin to Live!’ I know it was likely due to time constraints or how the game itself is structured. The days system that’s limited with the further details on Ayin and Carmen being crammed into the later parts after the rest as the lower layer seems to be implemented near the final parts when they actually added Carmen as an entity entirely from what can be reviewed and recalled at the moment. Either way, I really want him to finally not be a bitch when it comes to the others and actually start expressing that love he so feels for the rest by Doing something for Them. Instead of it all just being the project or bringing them back which was, indeed, a goal they all wanted but it was also done by the huge drive to finish Carmen's dream and will. Not for the Sephirot themself though perhaps there was also a drive to do it for them but I cannot say as it was never stated from what I can remember. I want him to do something, anything for the people he forcibly brought back. For Them. To Them. Directly. Hell, even him having to go ahead, even after seeking to fade ‘fading’ actively, to try and build up something be it physically or mentally to give back to the world he took too much from and caused so much pain to would be nice to see. It won’t make it better nor will it ever erase what happened, but it will be Something. Finally.

There are many parts I missed. Still so much I want to talk about. But I’ll stop here as this already is so much. I hope it’ll be at least somewhat interesting or informative to try and help with your curiosity on the matter

Tl;dr. Ayin. I love him because of his various parts that cannot be separated that make up the whole of this man I can't stop myself from being enamored with. I mean parts mentally and literally. I'm getting the ice pick for him to make this a REAL Lobotomy Corporation

probably going to regret asking this, but I want to know what the vibe is:

I know opinions are gonna be very complex, just choose the answer closest to what you feel. explain in the tags if you must.

And only choose "played LobCorp" if you've actually played the game, any level of completion. "haven't played" covers other ways of experiencing the game, like let's plays, wiki reading, secondhand knowledge from later entries, etc. I want to specifically understand any difference in opinion between those who have/have not played.

[spenceragnewfics]

I'M SO LOOKING FORWARD TO THIS!!!!!! I'll be so hyped for whatever you write!

Maybe a frisky 18+ Fic of the reader being so into Spencer wearing that choker at Erin's party (I hope you know what im talking about lol) that they hit on him for the first time. And they end up going home together.

AHH! I know exactly what you're talking about and honestly I was hoping someone had written something about it but hey, I'm okay with doing it!

CHOKE ME | Spencer Agnew x Reader | 18+ MINORS DNI

I did my best to make this GN because I didn't know if you wanted that for F!reader.

TW: Smut, choking, allusion to alcohol, oral, the usual smut stuff

Word count: 2.5k

Description: Y/N is Erin's roommate and best friend since forever. Having grown close to the Smosh crew because of her friendship with Erin, they've grown a crush on a certain director of gaming. Now at Erin's birthday party a certain accessory sets everything into motion.

The music in the club was bumping as Y/N took a sip of their drink. Usually they don’t go out and party but it was one of their best friend and roommate’s, Erin Dougal’s birthday to be exact. The two have known each other for years and despite being opposites with certain things, they are close like siblings.

The theme of Erin’s party was emo, a look Y/N doesn’t do often but had the perfect all black outfit for that made them look irresistible. An unexpected addition to the outfit was a little victorian choker on their neck. Erin had made several for all her friends to wear as a silly joke, everyone played into it perfectly.

The club was full of people but it was mostly Smosh cast and crew. Which is where Y/N currently was, hanging out with Angela, Chanse, and the birthday girl herself, dancing along to the Doja Cat song playing. While Y/N didn’t work at Smosh, they did know a lot of the cast and crew as they visited Erin a lot and well the two are roommates so it’s just how things fall.

The four are singing along to the song and dancing close together until Erin gently places her hand on Y/N’s shoulder. “Come with me to get another drink!” She yells close to their ear so they can hear over the music. They nod and the two go over to the bar together, as they walk away from the dance floor the music gets softer which makes it easier for them to talk.

“So, how’s your birthday so far, lovely?” Y/N asks, wrapping her arm around Erin’s. “It’s been amazing so far! Thank you so much for coming out, I know this isn’t really your thing but I’m so glad you’re here.” The birthday girl is obviously drunk with how her words and movement is but the sentiment is real.

“Of course, anything for you Dougie.” Erin groans at the nickname as the two get to the bar. She orders a drink while Y/N continues to sip on their’s. Their eyes start to look around and take in the atmosphere of the bar. The area where you get your drink and hang out is very fancy and regal which transforms into a very interesting dance floor area that matches everything else but still seems a little weird.

Taking a moment to themself, Y/N takes a deep breath then sips their drink, “Holy fuck! Spencer!” Erin yells excitedly which makes Y/N spit out their drink. ‘Spencer’s here?! Erin said he couldn’t make it!’ They think to themself as their eyes move over to where Erin is…or…well…was. Now the girl is running over and hopping into Spencer’s arms.

After a moment Erin walks back over with Spencer following behind her. “Y/N/N, sorry, didn’t mean to run off but Spencer is here.” Y/N waves, “Hey, Spence. Glad you could make it.” He smiles at them as he walks over, “Yeah, I wouldn’t miss this. Erin always knows how to throw a ranger.” He says before turning to order a drink.

“Oh, Spencer! You need one of these!” Erin pulls out one of the chokers that everyone is wearing. “What is this?” Spencer asks, chuckling as he looks at the item in his hand. “It’s a choker with one of my thirst traps on it. It’s part of the party requirement. Y/N you should help him put it on.” Erin says, winking at them before walking off. 

Erin knew of Y/N’s feelings for Spencer. It was pretty obvious from the first time the two met plus Erin knew that Spence was their type. She’s been trying for a while to get the two of them together but there has never really been a good time for them to just talk and get to know each other until tonight. Erin had planned for this to be the kickstart of their relationship and later tell her plan at their future wedding.

“Do you…” Y/N starts pointing to the choker in his hand. “If you don’t mind, I’ve never worn one of these things.” He says chuckling. Y/N nods and takes the choker then walks behind him. Their fingers work quickly to tie the choker but not too tight, “That okay?” He nods and they back around.

“How do I look? Like an idiot?” Spencer asks, grabbing his drink that the bartender gives him. He doesn’t notice the way Y/N is looking at him, the choker making him look even hotter than normal and that is something they never thought could happen.

“No, no, you look…you look good.” Y/N says, trying to hide the nervousness in their voice. They take a big sip of their drink as Spencer smiles at them, “Should we go find everyone? Or are you okay with just staying here?” He asks, walking over to them. “Well I was dancing not too long ago, so if you want to come and watch that or even join the group then that would be fun.”

He chuckles and nods his head, the two chit chat as they walk into the dancing area of the club. Y/N shows him the table where Erica, Kiana, and Peter were sitting. Setting their drinks down, the two of them walk onto the dance floor and join the others already there.

Y/N dances with their friends and drinks throughout the night. Unknowingly, they end up dancing against someone. Turning around, they see that the person they’re dancing with is Spencer. Usually, this would freak them out but the drinks throughout the night have given them confidence. They’re not even tipsy, just calm and have some liquid confidence in their system.

They lean into him and he puts his hands on their hips. Putting their hands on his shoulders, they lean up to his ear “You look really hot in that choker.” He looks at them shocked as they continue to dance to the beat. “Are you serious?” He asks and they laugh, “Come on, Spence. How can you not know how hot you are?” They ask, their eyes connecting.

“No one ever really says that. I didn’t know you felt like that.” He says in their ear. “You really can be oblivious sometimes.” They chuckles and looks down at his lips. Looking back up, they raise an eyebrow and he nods. Cupping his face, they pull him down to their lips and it’s like magnets.

Starting slowly, their lips move gently together as he moves his hands to their waist to pull them closer. The kiss quickly turns more passionate as Y/N bites gently onto Spencer’s bottom lip. A groan comes from his throat that makes them even more excited.

Y/N pulls back, smirking as they see Spencer pout a little. “I would love to do this here but I’d rather go somewhere more private.” He smirks, “My place?” he asks and they nod. The two don’t say anything to the group as they quickly walk off the dance floor and to the exit.

The car ride to Spencer’s place is full of tension. His hand is on their thigh squeezing every few moments as they play with his fingers. No words are really said as his car speeds through the streets getting closer to his apartment with each passing moment.

Once the car pulls into the building, Spencer parks and opens the door for Y/N before leading them to his apartment. As the door closes he pins them to the door, his lips attach to theirs. Y/N’s hand finds placement in his hair and runs through his curly hair. They gently pull, earning a moan from Spencer. 

“Mmm, someone likes that.” They mutter against his lips before attaching them again. Spencer places his knee between their legs as he moves his lips down their neck. The scruff of his beard and his soft lips on their sensitive neck is more than enough for Y/N to softly moan his name as he works on their neck. The sound encourages him as he smirks against their neck.

His hands grip the edge of their shirt before leaning back, “Are you sure you want to do this? Are you fully here?” He asks, knowing they drank but just not how much. Y/N’s index finger wraps the velvet of the choker still on his neck and uses it as leverage to pull him closer to their face.

“I am absolutely sure and am very here.” They say, their voice soft as they look into his beautiful dark blue ones. That’s all Spencer needs as he slides his hands under their shirt. The shirt moves with his hands, exposing their chest and Spencer sighs dreamily when he sees it.

Y/N gasps as he suddenly starts to kiss their collarbone and moves down, each kiss moving to more and more sensitive areas that lights their body even hotter. “Spence, please, don’t tease me.” They whine as he gets on his knees. Eye level with their stomach, his eyes move up to stare into Y/N’s as he kisses their stomach gently with small nibbles between every few kisses.

They pull the shirt over their head then put a hand back in his hair. His mouth and hands continue to move down as he slowly pulls off their pants. His warm lips kissing their hips and pelvic bone as it moves lower to the place where they desire him most.

Kicking the pants off, he grabs a leg and puts it on his shoulder as he kisses their inner thigh. The scratch of his beard and his lips starts to make their brain fuzzy. It’s been a long time since someone actually took time to make them feel good and so their body is reacting like it’s the first time.

Pulling their underwear down, he licks a long stripe up as Y/N grips his hair and their head leans back against the door. His lips and tongue work wonders on them as moans, groans, and whimpers escape Y/N. The normally quiet person has thrown that all out the window as they enjoy themself. Feeling safe and cared for is something that they knew would happen with Spencer if this ever happened but it’s even better then they ever imagined.

Looking down, they moan his name as their eyes lock onto his. “God, fuck, how are you this good.” They whine as their hand grips his hair again. This encourages him to keep going as their sweet sounds are all he needs to keep going.

Y/N feels a knot in their stomach as Spencer continues to work magic on them with his mouth. “Please, don’t stop, oh fuck. I’m gonna come.” They moan as the feeling approaches faster and faster. He doesn’t stop but actually speeds up as they wrap their thighs around his head, slightly suffocating him but he’s loving every second.

They scream his name as the feeling bursts, their legs are shaking as the high fills them and Spencer starts to clean every drop. Once he’s done, he stands up and takes off his pants. Already hard and at attention.

“Wait, don’t you want me to-”

“No, tonight is about you. We can do that later.” He assures as he guides them to the couch. He sits down and Y/N straddles his thighs. Licking their hand, they stroke his cock to lubricate before sitting down on it.

Despite all his small dick jokes, Spencer is a pretty good size and girthy. The stretch is a bit much but also so welcomed. “Holy fuck, you’re taking me so well.” He groans, his hands on their hips. It takes Y/N a bit to take him fully but once they do, it’s a feeling like never before.

It’s like it was perfect, not too much and not too little. The two stay like that for a moment, letting Y/N adjust before they start to move up and down. Leaning down, they connect their lips onto Spencer’s as they continue to ride him. 

The two fight for dominance in the kiss as Y/N’s hips continue at a good pace. Spencer grips their hip and starts to slam into them and their lips disconnect. Y/N leans their forehead against his as they moan his name out. “Fuck, Spencer, don’t stop.”

The room is filled with skin slapping and moans, the passion is pulsing between the two of them. Y/N opens their eyes, seeing the choker still around Spencer’s neck, they slide a hand to his neck. Feeling the hand at his throat, he looks at them and nods then feels his body get hot at the lack of oxygen. “Fuck, I love the choker but seeing someone else on it instead of me is very disappointing.” They moan, continuing to choke for just a bit longer. 

Once their hand is off his neck, he flips them over to where Y/N is laying on the couch and he’s on top as his thrust continues their pace. They wrap their legs around his waist to pull him closer and their nails scratch down his back. The feeling of him inside is making their brain fuzzy as the pleasure continues to build.

“I wouldn’t mind having your picture around my neck. You just need to give me it.” He groans, his pace never wavering. This is shocking to Y/N because they didn’t think he would have so much stamina but aren’t complaining. Reaching between them, Spencer starts to rub and it increases Y/N’s pleasure.

It doesn’t take too long for both of them to get close to their apex. “Spence, I’m gonna cum.” Y/N says as their legs tighten even more around him. “Me too, where do you want me to…” He asks, but it trails off as he moans from the tightening felt around him,

“Inside me, It’ll be okay.” They assure as the peak feels closer and closer. “Cum with me, please.” He begs as his thrusts get sloppy. A moment later, they both cum. Sounds of pleasure are loud and resounding as the two enjoy the feeling of their high.

Once the fuzziness clears, Y/N blinks rapidly to bring themself back to earth. Spencer is still on top but his head is laying on their chest as he catches his breath. Y/N runs a hand through his hair with a soft smile, “That was amazing, Spencer.” Their voice is soft and slightly hoarse from the activities that have concluded.

He looks up and smiles back when he sees their face, “It was, and definitely something I want to do again.” He says and caresses their thigh. “I would also love to take you out sometime.” That makes them laugh, “I would love that too, and…” They gently untie the choker and throw it across the room. “To see you without that on until I can make it better.” he chuckles and kisses their thigh before moving up and kissing them softly.

The two stay in that position all night. Cuddled together as they talk before slowly falling asleep on the couch.

[shelbgrey]

I've got your back(Zack Addy)

Paring: Zack Addy x Best friend!Reader

Requested: @isabellavolere

Summary: the reader is a photographer for the Jeffersonian Institute. The reader gets a fever and is trying to hide it from everyone but Zack notices and confronts her about it. Maybe the reason the reader hides the fever is because she doesn’t feel like she belongs or she’s not smart enough or something and doesn’t want a fever to set her back.

MasterList

Today wasn't my day, my skin was burning and my stomach was turning. I haven't felt this awful in years, but I couldn't just stay in bed all day. Especially when Dr. Brennan called me to a crime scene to take pictures of evidence.

It was always an unspoken rule to not get sick, you weren't sick and you couldn't get sick. Physically I broke the rule but I wasn't gonna let me stay home. I especially couldn't get behind, not again. I also process things differently than the others. I knew I wasn't exactly a genius like Brennan and Zack, but I could do just about anything with a computer and I could do amazing things with a camera. I have Angela to thank for that, she taught me everything I know.

I groaned as I tried to keep my balance as I shuffled through the forest, the evidence and victim was far back in the woods. I didn't say much to anyone, I took the pictures of the dismembered body parts and the growing insects in the victim's stomach for Hodgins.

I groaned as I tried to keep my balance as I shuffled through the forest, the evidence and victim was far back in the woods. I didn't say much to anyone, I took the pictures of the dismembered body parts and the growing insects in the victim's stomach for Hodgins. I looked at the screen and saw my finger got in the way. I sighed and pointed the camera at the stomach once again.

“sorry Dr. Hodgins, I need to get another”My quiet voice made him and Zack perk up. Zack put the mangled humorous down and squinted his eyes at me.

“Are you feeling okay Y/n?”

I tilted the camera away from my face to look at Zack. “im fine”

“You don't look fine” Hodgins added as he filled up a container of evidence. I sighed then gave the both of them a serious face. “Guys, im fine”

The two turned back to the corpse and I immediately felt my stomach turn again. I took a steady breath and tried to concentrate on the photos so I could go to the lab.

~~~~~~~~(.......)~~~~~~~~

“y/n, will you please run this through the computer. It was found on the victim” Brennen said as she handed me a busted thumb drive. I set my camera down and took it with my twitching hands. Angela set her camera down and gave me a concerned look as I walked towards Angela's office to use her computer. I sat down and took a deep breath as I tried to ignore the dizzy feeling in my head. I hated how much I was off my game, I probbay stared at the computer screen not doing anything for about ten minutes.

“Hey, I wanted to see your progress,” Zack said. I hadn’t realized how zoned out I was till he came in. I grumbled to myself when I realized I've done nothing today.

I sighed and gave Zack a sad expression. “Sorry…I haven't found anything yet”

He could tell something was bothering me. Zack squinted his eyes at me, giving me a questioning look. “Are you sure you don't feel sick or anything?”

He didn’t believe me when I said I was fine. He gave me a questioning look and pushed the back of his hand to my forehead. His brow scrunched together as he flinched back. “y/n, your Temperature is very high! You should be home”

I rolled my eyes and tried to get up, as soon as I sat up I felt the room spin. Zack quickly caught me before I could fall on my face. “you should really rest”

“Zack I can't” he stated firmly. “I'll be right back, stay here while I collect a few things” he turned on his heel and headed for the door. Before he opened it he turned around to make sure I was right where he left me.

~~~~~~~~(.......)~~~~~~~~

After Zack gave me a thermometer and some medicine, he left to finish up his work with Dr. Brennan, he was bound and determined to take me home when he was done. We also had a deal that if my temperature went down I could stay in the lab. I was determined to get better even if I faked it.

“what are you doing?” Angela asked, making me flinch, I quickly pulled the thermometer away from the ice water and put it in my mouth. “Nothing”

“she was trying to make the thermometer say a lower temperature” Zack said pointing at me.

I rolled my eyes as Angela snickered. “your the first person a I ever met that tried to fake a low temperature”

Zack turned to her and gave her a confused look. I guess he never thought of faking a temperature to get out of something. Angela smiled at Zack. “What? You guys never heated up a thermometer to get out of school or something?”

“no” me and Zack both said at the same time. Angela looked at the both of us like we were crazy, she raised an eyebrow as she chuckled. “okay, I understand Zack but you never got the idea? Really honey?”

“why would I miss out on a learning opportunity?” Zack defended himself.

“and I don't like being behind” I mumbled. I always felt like I wasn't that smart and It sucked being being on something when everyone eles knows about it. I didn't miss school unless I 100% had too and even then my mother had to convince me to stay home a rest. The jeffersonian was no different, I'm suronded by the smartest people I know and I'll be damned if I miss out on something that could help me get better.

Angela gave me a soft smile as Zack turned to her. “well you please inform Dr. Saroyan that y/n will be leaving today”

“Zac-” Angela cut me off with a nodded, she was clearly on his side. I guess it was a comforting feeling that they cared so much. She left leaving me and Zack along.

“Zack I'm fine, I don't want to get behind on the case”

Zack gave me an aggravated look. “forgot about the csee, your not well and you should be home” he sat down on the couch next to me and pulled me in for a hug. “I'll take you home and I promise to keep you updated on the victim, what matters right now is you get better”

I smiled softly and rested my head on his shoulder. “thank your caring so much”

“you don't have to thank me... I have your back”

[pinkdreamcollectorsworld]

Hello! I'm sorry for not getting to this post earlier, life's been crazy the last week hahaha (adulting, ya know?)

I watched the finale and boy howdy it had me in my feels 😅😅

If you haven't watched it yet, this is a post that definitely contains spoilers so read at your own risk!

Wanted to start off with some of the plots that stood out to me the most. these are just my thoughts and opinions/ feelings so please be nice in the comments. I kinda wanted this to be a discussion post for anyone interested.

Bobby- he lived! I'm so so so glad he was okay, i lowkey thought we were losing him. He's honestly one of my personal faves so idk how I would have felt if he didn't make it 😭😭 I also just wanted to point out, he literally quit, almost died, and then walked into the station like nothing happened. I cannot wait to see how the team is going to handle him quitting and literally not saying anything before everything went down. Like was he just planning on not telling them at all?? Also, in terms of what his plan was, honestly broke my heart. He DESERVES the life he built. He DESERVES the family he built. And the scene with him and Amir just.... ugh. Amir might not forgive him but I wasn't expecting him to tell Bobby he earned the right to a life and family despite what happened. His montage at the beginning of last episode BROKE ME.

Athena- Homegirl was out for BLOOD! Look, I love athena, but she literally misuses her job for personal gain and expects no consequences😭 both her and Bobby have been through SO MUCH these last few seasons. In terms of Amir, I think they just needa let the man live his life. Yes, her being there pretty much saved him from the cartel, but guys, she ate her words by pulling a gun on him. Im not sure what season she says it but she tells someone that it is in fact considered assault when you point a gun at someone. Angela Bassett performance this episode was 10/10, probably one of her best performances so far imo

Hen & Karen- omgggg these two I tell you. They can't catch a break😭😭 the way they lost Mara simply because a councilwoman was on a power trip just had me in TEARS. They deserve to have Mara in thier life, no matter what. I think they are good for her. She's good for them and Denny. I hope we get to see thier story progress more next season.

Maddie&Chim- THESE TWO! The fact that they were there when Hen got the call about Mara and were the ones who got her out of the group home just does something to my heart ngl. I literally love them both so much. They are so so kind and caring about the people in thier life.

Eddie& Chris- this is the one that truthfully really made me question some things. Eddie really, REALLY needs to talk to someone. The whole thing with Kim just, makes me feel icky. Did not like that little subplot one bit. I understand that Kim was simply trying to help, but I honestly think it made things so so much worse. Especially when Chris and Marisol walked in the door at the end of the moment. Chris literally stood there, and said "Mom?" He's traumatized for life. I honestly agree with his decision to call his grandparents. Little guy just needs a break. He needs space. His dad is going through something that he as a CHILD shouldn't have to endure as well. I know some people hate that Chris called the grandparents, and I know that Eddie really didn't want to let Christopher go but he needed to.. even if he didn't want to.. I think Eddie is going to be going through it next season and I can't wait to see what they do with him next season.

Buck- Buck, Buck, BUCK theres so much that I loved about him this episode. The fact that he showed up for Eddie and Chris and said "what can I do" I just... *chefs kiss* He showed up and said "I can't explain this to your kid but I will make damn sure he's okay" and DID. He made sure that Chris was okay, and on top of that made sure Eddie was also okay. And when the grandparents showed up, even though he couldn't convince Chris to stay, he didn't try to get any more involved than was necessary. You can see on his face that he's sad about Chris wanting to leave, but understands. He's sad for Eddie and put his hand on his shoulder to say, "I'm sorry, but im here for you". In my opinion, Buck has grown so so much since the first season and he's become another one of my favs.

Buck&Tommy- (I felt they needed thier own little section) I love what the actors, showrunners and writers are doing with this. Tommy and buck are in a HEALTHY, STABLE, relationship. It might have started out just a little rocky, but they've built on it and each other and im HERE FOR ITTTT! The vulnerability between the BOTH of them about thier own fathers/ father figures when Tommy asked buck if he was okay really proved that they are at the point in the relationship that they can open up to each other, and that Tommy cares. They know how to read each other. In terms of the daddy issues topic, im glad that queer, MASCULINE MEN are shown in a proper, HEALTHY, SHAMELESS sexual relationship. Buck opened the door by flirting and tommy picked it right up and im here for it. There wasn't anything "weird" or "out of left field"about it, Buck wanted to see if Tommy could match his freak and he DID! I genuinely hope they grow next season and give us more insight into thier relationship dynamic.

I also just wanted to point out, Cap literally told Buck "hes good for you, because we haven't had to talk about it" like what other proof do people need to see that they are a good match? Literally every other relationship buck has had, has ended in disaster. I don't think there was a partner he had that didn't warrant a discussion between him and Cap before Tommy came around.

The team all together- the fact that they all dropped everything to be there for Cap and athena really shows that they are a family.

Captain Gerrard- not much to say, not surprised that they brought him back, next seasons gonna interesting. Still a POS in my book no matter WHAT they do with his character.

All in all I loved the season finale. I loved that they wrapped up most of the major storylines to open the door for a new one (captain Gerrard return to the 118)

Thanks for reading if you stayed through this jumbled mess!

[communistkenobi]

im an undergrad student who was thinking about specializing in studying fascist movements in North America for my masters and ive really enjoyed reading your book commentary - you connect things that I'm not always aware of in ways that are really comprehensive and appreciate

Do you know of any researchers who are moving things on the topic right now (most of the books ive read are around 20+ years old, unfortunately)?

(sorry if any of this is unclear/grammatically incorrect/weirdly worded - I'm super sick rn)

thank you! I'm really glad to hear that :)

For contemporary writing, I'm currently working through some of Alberto Toscano's work - he has a really interesting article from 2021 on fascism from a Black radical/Marxist perspective where he summarizes various historical analyses of fascism from Black (particularly US) thinkers and activists. One thing I especially appreciate is that he complicates Aime Cesaire's formulation of fascism (i.e., "european colonialism come home") as incomplete when applied to settler colonial contexts, especially the United States - one of Cesaire's articulations of fascism is that (to paraphrase) "one fine day, the prisons begin to fill up, the Gestapo gets busy" and so on, and Toscano, working through Angela Davis and George Jackson, responds with (again I'm paraphrasing) "the prisons are already full! The Gestapo is already here!" etc. Toscano also has a new book that just came out in 2023 called Late Fascism, which explicitly addresses the current moment. I only have a physical copy of that so I can't share a pdf unfortunately, and I still need to get around to reading it lol.

These are also a couple random articles I found insightful:

Carnut (2022). Marxist Critical Systematic Review on Neo-Fascism and International Capital: Diffuse Networks, Capitalist Decadence and Culture War - does what it says on the tin

Daggett (2018). Petro-masculinity: Fossil Fuels and Authoritarian Desire - talks about car culture as a site of modern reactionary political movements, links climate denialism with (proto-)fascist movements

Parmigiani (2021). Magic and politics: Conspirituality and COVID-19 - this one does not mention fascism explicitly, but imo the intersection between new age spirituality, anti-vaccine sentiment, and qanon/q-adjacent conspiracies are pretty important to understanding contemporary fascist social movements, so I'd still recommend reading this

Finally, this isn't an article but I found this recorded lecture about the history of Qanon pretty interesting. I don't think the author gives particularly insightful answers on how to solve the problem of far right conspiracies in the Q&A portion but I found it to be a helpful summary

Otherwise I've been focusing a lot on decolonial scholarship more so than fascist scholarship - this is again guided by Cesaire's argument that Europe/The West broadly is inherently fascist. These works aren't contemporary, but you can look at this post for some of the readings I linked on decolonial scholarship if you want to go that route. Those are serving me more for theoretical frameworks to guide contemporary analysis, not analysis of contemporary events directly

also idk if I need to put this disclaimer, but just in case this leaves my blog: this isn't a full throated defense of/apology for everything in these articles, I'm not claiming they're sufficient to understanding the present moment, these are just some of the things I've been reading recently and have found helpful in some way or another. a lot of contemporary work I have read (much of which isn't linked here because I don't think its very good/do not have it on hand) focuses on populism and authoritarianism as central analytical terminology, which i think does a lot of work to exceptionalize and mystify fascism as a historical and political process/project originating from European colonialism & Western imperialism, but these terms are endemic to the field so you have to contend with them no matter what

good luck with your studies!

[falcqns]

for the first time (whats past is past)

✰ 𝐩𝐚𝐢𝐫𝐢𝐧𝐠: Lucy Chen & Tim Bradford

✰ 𝐬𝐮𝐦𝐦𝐚𝐫𝐲: Tim calls Lucy in the middle of the night, hoping to every god that exists that her number hadn’t changed, and to every angel that she would pick up despite how he had hurt her.

✰ 𝐰𝐚𝐫𝐧𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐬: canon divergence, angst with a happy ending obviously, Chenford. tagging @natashasera. Title is from Begin Again by my mothaaaaa 

don’t forget to read and reblog, and i do not give permission for my works to be posted anywhere other than tumblr. thank you.

“Please pick up,” Tim whispered to himself. He sniffed, trying blink back the tears that were gathering in his eyes. He knew he was stupid for doing this, for calling her; if he were her, he wouldn’t pick up the phone, especially after he had done what he did. She had needed him, and he had left her, and he wouldn’t blame her for doing the same to him. 

But, whatever gods that he had prayed to before hitting her contact must have heard his prayers, because just as he was about to give up, the ringing stopped, and he heard static for a brief second, before hearing a sound he thought he’d never hear again - Lucy saying his name in her beautiful, melodic voice. 

“Tim?” She said quietly, and Tim choked back a sob. 

“H-Hi,” he whispered. There was rustling on the other end for a brief moment before Lucy responded. 

“What happened?” She asked, her previously neutral tone shifting to concerned. 

Tim chuckled quietly. “Why do you assume that something happened?” 

“Because you wouldn’t be calling me in the middle of the night if it hadn’t.” 

Tim hung his head, sighing. “Y-You’re right.” He suddenly regretted calling her, he didn’t want her to think he’d only called her because he needed something, because that was far from the truth. He did need something, but she was the only one he wanted to call. Everyone else would look at him with pity - which he understood, because how sad is it that him, a nearly 40 year old man was broken up with and humiliated at a party? But still, he knew that if he had called Angela or Genny, they would have pitied him, but Lucy wouldn’t do that. She would feel bad for him, but he knew that she knew (better than anyone) that these things happened, and it was important to move on and not be stuck in the past. “I uhm..” He began, but stopped, unsure how to explain it without sounding like he was in high school. 

“Tim?” Lucy asked again, and this time, Tim cleared his throat before speaking. 

“I uh - I was at a party, with my girlfriend, and we got into a fight. It was stupid, but it caused her to freak out, and basically start bashing me in front of all of her friends.” He explained. 

“Im so sorry Tim,” Lucy said. “Wait, what do you mean by ‘bashing’ you?” She asked, and Tim chuckled sadly.

“Well,” he began. “She thought it was appropriate to bring up everything from my past, more specifically the things I had told her in confidence, like what happened with Isabel and my dad, and things I was ashamed about, like how I treated you.” He confessed. 

Lucy sighed on the other end, and the rustling could be heard again. “Tim, I’m so sorry that happened to you, you didn’t deserve that.”

Tim shrugged, even though he knew she couldn’t see it. “Kinda feels like I did, but right now I just want to get away from her and her friends, but I’m stranded. You were the only person I could think of to call who wouldn’t pity me.” 

Lucy laughed quietly. “Of course im not going to pity you, I learned my lesson with that when I was your rookie.” Tim laughed in response. “Send me the address, and I’ll come and get you.” 

Tim sighed in relief. “Thank you.” He said, and sent her a text with the location of the party. 

“Okay,” Lucy said, looking at the address. “It’ll take me about 20 minutes to get to you, but I’m leaving pretty much right now,” she said. “I’ll see you when I get there, okay?” 

“Yeah.” Tim replied. “Thank you again.”

“It’s no problem, Tim. I’m glad you called me.”

—— 

27 minutes later, Tim saw Lucy’s Gray Acura RDX pull into the driveway, and he was finally able to move off of the rock he had been sitting on. He walked over to her car, and opened the passenger door, sliding into the seat, and shut the door behind him. Lucy smiled at him, before reaching out and pausing the music she had been playing. 

Tim glanced at the screen, and his brows furrowed when he saw the song “I See The Light.”

“Why are you playing Disney music?” 

Lucy pointed behind her, and when Tim tuned his head around, he was shocked to see a car seat facing the back of the back seat, and a mirror on the headrest, allowing him to see the sleeping infant, no more than 6 or 7 months old, in the carseat. 

“Tangled is her favourite.” She said, putting the car in reverse, and backing out of the driveway. “And she was not too happy to be taken out of her sleep sack before she was ready.” Lucy said, a smile on her face. 

“Im sorry,” Tim apologized immediately. Not only did he wake her up in the middle of the night, he had her wake her sleeping baby up, to come and get him from a party in the middle of nowhere, when he could have just called an Uber.

Lucy shook her head. “Don’t be,” she said, reading his mind. “She was going to wake up soon for a feed anyways, so it’s all good.” 

Tim nodded, his head turning back to face the road. “I uh,” he said, glancing down at his hands before speaking. “I didn’t know you were a mom.” 

Lucy nodded with a smile. “Yeah, I am.” She said. “I love it more than I thought I would.” She explained. “I mean, I always knew I wanted to be a mom, but the second she entered the world, I knew I’d love it more than anything in this world.” 

Tim smiled. “I’m happy for you, I know how much you’d wanted the whole marriage and kids thing.”

Lucy nodded, eyes on the road. “Actually, just the kids. I’m not married.” She said. She looked sideways at Tim briefly, and answered his unasked question. “I’m single.”

“Oh,” Tim responded, unsure what else to say. 

“Yeah,” Lucy nodded, glancing back at her baby. “Chris wasn’t too keen on being a father.” She explained, and Tim shook his head. 

“What an idi- I mean dummy head.” He said, glancing back at the baby briefly, making Lucy laugh. 

“Its okay, you can swear.” She said. “I don’t care, and It helps her development, so swear it up.” She said, making Tim laugh. 

“What an idiot.” Tim continued, before shaking his head. “Nope, can’t swear. Feels too weird.” 

Lucy laughed, and Tim smiled looking over at her. He had missed that sound more than anything, and he knew it was all his fault that he hadn’t heard it in nearly two years. 

“Anyways, Sanford is a dummy head for doing that to you.” Tim continued. 

“I know, but it’s not the first time someone has left me when things have gotten hard.” She said, and Tim nodded sadly, knowing that she was referring to him now. 

“I know, and I’m-“ Tim began, before Lucy cut him off. 

“if you say ‘I’m sorry’ one more time, I’m pulling over and you can walk.”

They both laughed, and Tim opened his mouth once more. “Okay, okay I’m-“ he began, before him and Lucy glanced at each other, and immediately looked away as they both burst into laughter. 

Their laughs were cut short by a cry from the backseat. Lucy reached out, tapping the ‘AirPlay’ button on her car display, and bringing up the Tangled soundtrack again. 

“I’m sorry, Mae Mae,” Lucy said, looking into her rearview mirror, where she could see the reflection of her daughter. “Look, Mama’s playing your music.” As soon as Mandy Moore’s singing voice began to float from the car speakers, the infant calmed down, and looked out the window.

The car was quiet for a few minutes, and Tim wouldn’t admit it, but he actually enjoyed the Tangled soundtrack. He then decided to break the silence, wanting to know more about what he’d missed in the Lucyverse the past almost two years.

“What’s her name?” He asked, referring to the baby in the backseat.

Lucy swallowed nervously before she responded. “Her name is Maple.”

Tim’s heart pounded in his chest, a wave of gruelling grief, the same wave that had washed over him for months when he left Lucy that had stolen his ability to take care of himself, crashed over him once more. 

Maple was the name that they’d chosen together. Tim hadn’t liked it at first, but the more he’d thought about it, the name Maple Bradford definitely had a ring to it. When they’d broken up, he knew he was still going to use the name if he ever had kids, but he didn’t think that she would, especially after he left her the way he did. 

“Y-You used the name.” Tim said quietly, and Lucy nodded. She looked over at him, and his heart broke even more when he saw that she had tears in her eyes. 

“Yeah,” She admitted. “It was the only name that made sense to me.” She said, and upon seeing Tim’s confused look, she elaborated. “When I was in labor, I was all alone. It was the middle of the night, and I was woken up by the worst pain I had ever felt. I knew I was in labor, and was so scared of giving birth alone that I drove myself to the hospital. Once I got there, I was so scared, and didn’t want to disturb anyone, so I gave birth alone. The entire time, the only person I wanted beside me, I knew I couldn’t call.” She said, sniffling as she spoke.

“Who?” Tim asked, a little afraid of the answer.

“You.” She said, glancing at Tim. “I wanted you by my side. I wanted you to be there, holding my hand, and encouraging me. I wanted it to be you to be her father, not someone who never wanted her in the first place. But I couldn’t call you.” 

Tim turned his body to face her. “Luce, I would have absolutely came and been there for you had you called me, you know that right?” 

Lucy looked at him, a serious look on her face. “Do I, though?” She asked. “How was I supposed to know if you’d come and support me, after you left me when I needed you the most after I made P2?” She asked, and Tim looked down in shame.

He had done that. She had been struggling with him not being by her side on patrol, and was having separation anxiety and jealousy with him and his new rookie, and he, instead of supporting her and understanding, got mad at her and ended things. Which he immediately regretted, but regretted even more the next day when Grey told him that she had transferred, and hated himself when he went to her apartment, only to find that she was gone. 

“You’re right, I’m sorry.” He said. “I hate that I did that to you. I shouldn’t have just given up on you, on us like that. I should have supported and understood you, not walked away. I regret ending things.” 

“Well, its in the past now.” Lucy said. And Tim sighed sadly. 

“So theres no hope for us, is there?” He asked, and Lucy looked over at him.

“Of course theres hope,” She said, pulling her car into his driveway. “I’ve always had hope that we’d find each other again.” She put the car into park and turned towards him. “I’m glad that you called me.”

“I’m glad you answered.” He said. He then glanced at his front door, then at Maple, before his eyes landed on Lucy.

“Do you want to come in?” He asked, his voice shaking at the implications of what he was asking. 

Lucy smiled at him. “Of course we do.”

[pumpkinsy0]

Any purly living together HCs?

im rubbing my hands together like a fly for this one WOO

•i think pony wouldve asked curly if he wanted to move w him bc he wants more opportunities for himself, but curly was unsure for a while if he rlly wanted to make that big of a change in his life

•yes yes the curtis gang would feel bittersweet about pony leaving but imagine the shepards</33, i feel like tim and angela would be surprised that curlys moving out bc hes always wanted to stay there, but at the same time hes growing up

•i think before this curly and tim wouldve talked about it a lot, like if curly rlly wanted to move or not, its a bug thing for em, tim wants to stay and to have curly leave would rlly change him i thing, not for the better or worst, just change him

•angela would be upset but hey, what can she do about it, she punches curlys arm and tells him he better not kill himself out there and to keep in contact

•i WAS gonna say “mwahaahhahaha make them move to nyc so i can have them close to me and insert my own experiences but also so pony could have more opportunities” but,,,ill b nice and say they moved far but not THATTTT far, idk where they r tho

•BUT if we wanna go down them just living together, lets just say theyre in the same state as everyone still, just in a different neighborhood n what not

•NOW its more upbeat, curly thinks the area is boring but pony likes it so its whateverrrr

•neither of them can cook woukd be me being an ass, pony can cook, he just doesnt like to, curly however rlly cant, so most of the time theyre eating bagged or take out food, either that or someone just brings them cooked food they can eat as left overs

•im sorry, no pathetic wife curly for this one, curly gets a part time job here, he wants to help pay the rent, and ponys glad bc this economy is ASS

•they would fluctuate chores, but nahhhh, they usually both stick to the same ones

•theyve fallen asleep on the couch numerous times instead of just going to bed, they both have shit sleeping schedules neither will actually address

•pony will call home nearly everyday just to update on what's going on, and curly calls home not as much, but still pretty frequent

•bc ponys so used to not having the door locked bc thats just how he grew up, curlys always scolding him, bc r u TRYING to let a serial killer in???😭😭

•they dont rlly let anyone inside their house, they just,,,dont,,,like unless ur family, chances r ur not getting invited to their house

•they realized they could take any stray that they wanted home w them and just havent stopped bringing them in since

•theres always SOMETHING in their house left on, a light, the tv, SOMETHING

•i personally want them to live in an apartment bc it would b funny if curly was like “its so our water bill is t high” and pony KNOWS they dont pay for the water, but just goes along w it (also yes they shower together more)

•theyre like, almost never fully clothed, especially curly, his shirt is just always off, theyre just comfortable that way, IM NOT SAYING THEY HAVE THEIR BARE ASS OUT BTW🙎🏽‍♀️🙎🏽‍♀️

[3xen]

just for you; g. s genji is rushed to your operation room, believing it'll be dr. ziegler to operate on him.

n. wrote this on three hours of sleep w school tmr, and i actually liked it sm! idk yall, im getting back into my game plz bare w me.

c. first meeting, mentions of mercy (angela), lowk crack

“we have a patient in critical condition. he needs to be treated immediately.” god, angela where are you when i need you most? you double-take the patient in the gurney—genji shimada. his name had appeared more than once on your files. but never once was he sent to your aid. dr. ziegler was his primary doctor since she maintained most of his records and regular check-ups. 

the assistant rolled the gurney into the room. “please, notify dr. ziegler of mr. shimada’s status. im sure she’d want to know.” i inform, inspecting the patient with a cringe. his visor is damaged with a dent, wires sprouted from his shoulders, and his left lower limb seemed just too far out of place. 

“will do ma’am, ill be here if you need me.” the assistant left—leaving a tense silence in the air. 

“shimada, are you alright in there?” 

“im alright.” his words came out strained, almost as if he felt the physical pain being done to his body. you acknowledged that. as you moved to his side—determining how to treat the damages, he spoke in a soft voice. “is dr. ziegler unavailable?” and it made you wince. 

“she’s been transferred to overwatch headquarters in switzerland. i am so sorry.” he gave you a quiet hum—observing you through his visor. you looked attractive, beautiful, and it really intrigued him. you spoke in that angelic voice, had observant and quiet motions—he couldn’t wait to bury angela with queries. 

“your cooling system must have been tattered with. the wires don’t usually come out like this do they? reattaching your limb should be easy.. but, your wiring is jumbled—it’ll take a lot of time to install it properly,” in deep concentration, you furrow your brows, crossing your arms over your chest, and then sighed. “and, you must have suffered quite a blow to your face.” 

“ah, just a boulder. nothing special.” 

operations on flesh and bones were completely opposite of cybernetic and robotic parts. there was really no easy way to work around any mechanical part that ran on a code—not without guaranteeing its success.  

you stifled a quiet groan—turning away from your patient. you couldn’t admit to him you’ve never worked on a half-cyborg—actually, no one has in the nepal headquarters! 

“doctor?” 

“sorry, lets get to work right away.” 

you whisked tools in your hands from around the room—useless or not, you placed them on a moveable cart. “we’ll start on your leg, then work our way up.” 

as the operation began, you worked attentively. this must have been your most daring task yet. 

“doctor,” genji cooed once.

“ye-yes..”

genji cooed again—not being able to make out your coherent words. “doctor.” and it didn’t take long before you sprang up. 

“yes!”

“you are too focused. it makes me worry.” wasn’t that a good trait of a doctor? i pulled back, blinking twice at a loss.

“i suppose you are right..” you directed your eyes toward him. “ive never worked on a specimen like you.”  you unconsciously lowered your head.

“a cyborg?” you nod. 

“only dr. ziegler specializes in those preposterous things..” genji chuckled, causing you to perk up.

“you seem informed about it all.” 

“she only taught me a few things. ive also worked on cassidy’s cybernetic arm aswell. thats my only experience.” genji stared in awe—you picked up fairly quick.

when he arrived at nepal headquarters—wounded, he expected dr. ziegler. his visits with her were short—she was a busy woman, he knew. and when he found himself being in a room with someone other than her, he accepted his fate of chaos and disaster. 

“how long are you stationed here?” 

“about 2 months or so.. they want me back in zurich as soon as possible.” genji nodded in acknowledgment. really, he was intrigued.

© 3xen

[goatpaste]

Heyo, I saw your post saying you started on psychonauts! Idk if ya aware, but I think steam bundles one and 2 together and there's a physical copies of 2 that come with one, but I do think it's the collector's edition however, so the price is a little high, but it's probably cuz of the other stuff included . Would like to gift ya the first game(or both!) on steam once I get out of my current financial troubles as I know your bday is coming up! The 2nd one has a very cute bear couple I think you would like cuz there's a section where you go inside one of the dude's minds and you get to see enviroments and memories based around their wedding.

On a side note, do you still like the Silent Hill series? If so, could you draw Maria with a bisexual background (let's hope her and Angela aren't done dirty in the upcoming remake, amiright?)

wah!! someone already bought me the first two psychonauts awhile back!! im still working through the first one but veRRRY much enjoy it so far!!

and YESSSS I doOO love slunt hill, and Maria is one of my fav characters despite being in my least favirote SH gameee (was just playing as her in DBD last night hehe)

I wanna hope the SH2 remake is at least interesting, but I wont lie im already very disappointed with Marias redesign, i feel like it came from the place of 'were modernizing games and trying to remove the sexualization of female character designs' which is fair and i get, but totally missed the point of Maria lol. also i think her new look sucks sorry. Love her tho, the remake better have an ending were maria and angela get to leave slunt hill together and adopt Laura lol

icons free to use with credit!

Buy your local Bitrans Man a Kofi!

[trainingdummyrabbit]

ok so i’ve just been feeling. real normal. the thing with angela is that i really really feel like a looooot of people refuse to see her as a complicated, nuanced, and EXTREMELY complex character in favor of disliking or hating her from reasons ranging from her treatment of the sephiriah in lobcorp to point blank misogyny. and like, im not saying you can’t dislike her. like and dislike whatever characters you want. but what’s really annoying is when people actively ignore core aspects of the story or the things that Led to angela becoming the way she was because it’s more convenient or just because they Don’t Like Her. every relationship she has including the one with herself and with carmen as two clearly different people by the end of ruina is messy and complicated turned up to the absolute fucking maximum. it’s easy to paint angela as the villain of the story at first, because that was…..the point. that’s what she was trying to do. in lobcorp she was keeping herself safe by playing that cruelty until it genuinely became an inescapable part of her that guarded the love that carmen (and then Angela by proxy) had for others. it kept her very clearly safe from the things she had to watch, the things she had to do and manage, and how she could never comfort a single person about the hell they were in, NOR could she confide in anyone else. playing off that, i think you could also definitely compare that idea of angela purposefully playing her cruelty up as a purposeful antithesis on her part to carmen’s whole theme of being perfect and their savior. by the lobcorp we play when we finish the 50 days, shes given up trying to be carmen, trying to be good, and is solely focused on herself— and that’s another thing too!!!! to a degree it wasn’t even focused on herself that heavily! a major part of her stealing the light was so that she could spite ayin and spit in the face of his plans, everything he had done for carmen’s “greater good”. angela playing (up) the bad guy is a purposeful thing!!! she’s doing it for a variety of reasons too: she’s trying to keep herself emotionally safe, she’s trying to double down to be as far away from carmen as possible, she’s trying to keep the sephiriah unattached to her and make them similarly cold to the way she is to minimize the pain they have to deal with. and it’s not like angela learned those ideas of “for the greater good” from nowhere. COUGHS.

sorry this is so long im just. so annoyed. i love you angie. im so sorry people don’t get you.

POINTS !!! POINTS AND CHEERS. GOD yeah that part of her character fucking KILLS ME so bad its fucking insane... i never leave my funy lil circle of mutuals so i am not exposed to The Bullshit(tm) but girlies... girlies weve had an ENTIRE GAME t go over this... every day i think abt that one post thats "Congratulations! You have fallen for the ruse this character has put up." bc like. [waves hands around]. MAN.

AND ESPECIALLY LIKE... that purposeful distance makes me think really hard about th pale librarian ending too; presenting herself in a way that breaks that bond before that bond inevitably breaks her-- constantly preparing for the worst because the worst is just what is always given to her. and how she allowed herself to forge a bond between herself and roland, one that ultimately ends up burning her yet again, and becoming a tie she has to snap with her own hands. how this completely reinforces her own self-defensive (and self-destructive) instincts, which ultimately lead to her doubling down on it in confronting the sephirah, ending up completely alone... thinks abt it real hard.

just!!!! grabs and SHAKES.... they werent kidding these hands really are in unloveable hands................... insufferable. iwould kill for them. if anyone is mean to angela ever im exploding them with my mind lasers.

[she-ismysun-archive]

The Rookie 6x03 Live Blog

Trouble in Paradise eh? I’ve been betrayed by so many social media notifs. It is time to watch now at the ripe hour of 6am ET.

AI JUMPSCARE? IN MY ROOKIE?

Lucy: nononono. That’s exactly right, though. See? Because I can only control me so *I need to be perfect*

Tims taking a shower smirk. MAYEB I COULDBTAKE A BREAK????

Jump to Aaron. Being rejected by Celina was EQUALLY? As traumatizing?? As being SHOT????

ONLYFANS? Is this why Eric and Roselyn keep bringing up onlyfans on their podcast 😭??

Me when Aaron doesn’t know how to apologize without throwing money at the problem?

Lucy Oral exam time. SMITTY PLEASE.

Celina and Bradford team up episode :D and also Lucy in the backseat

Creepy ass mask update. JOHN BEING SO GUNG HO ABOUT HIS VLOGGING.

Nolan: and don’t worry. I’ll make it sound like we’re old and no fun. By the time im done, he won’t want to be anywhere near us.

BAILEY DUBBING HIS CONVERSATION??

Both of you OUT NOW EHHSJSNS

First Chenford Juarez scene

I don’t know my name??

Juarez laughing at him dropping all of his stolen goods

She just puked on so hard

Why the hell is their door open. Haha. So funny. I don’t like the horror aspect of this episode so far. STOP PLEASE THE. THE TIMELAPSE OF THEM SLEEPING.. AN HOUR?? A full HOUR of this man watching them sleep.

A little tired of Aaron being the first thing anyone brings up when they talk to Celina.

And now the dead body from promo has washed up on shore 🫡 OH ITS THE HOUSEKEEPER? Literally his DAUGHTER I THOUGHT.

Does Lucy still jump every time Tim says Boot?

Tried to get a gif but it’s not .. helping my case LOL

John and Bailey remaining our little trouble magnets. Can’t wait for Nyla and Angela to show up

Wait ok the housekeeper is different from Elise. I am REALLY not loving this horror/jump scare episode.

Hello there fine ass Tim. Letting Lucy sleep in except the test randomly moved up. Celina’s first “good work” of the damn episode.

Man in the wall. Hrmmm.

God she is the last damn person in that waiting room to take her exam. After they “moved up her exam”. Recently you failed to secure a crime scene. Agony agony. SHES DOING SO GOOD. SHE IS ANSWering SO good

Unfortunately I already spoiled her rankings before I got to watch the episode I think.

WHY WOULDNT THEY WAIT? WHY WOULDNT THEY WAIT TO SEE HIS FACE EBEFORE RUNNING OFF ⁉️😭😭😭

He SHOT HIMSELF?? Threw the man into a mirror - 7 years of bad luck john

😔

17th L. Chen HEHEHSHA 17th PLACE TROPHY TIMOTHY BRADFORD

Lucy: you really thought I was gonna come in first??

Tim: of course I did

Lucy: I’m sorry for disappointing you

Tim: you could never disappoint me

AND THEN THEY KISS.

[somemetallyillbitch]

My love

Okay so I didn't find a fanfic anywhere with him so I am just gonna project my fluffy fantasys in this fic. Also Reader is Harpers kid in this one. I hope you will like it

!!Not prove read!!

-------------------------------------------------------

Warnings: fluff, a bit of angst and just comfort, yelling, Happy ending,Herassment, abusive ex tell me if I left anything out

She/her pronouns

------------------------------------------------------

I was in the bar with friends including my mom and her friends. "So tell us more about this mystery man." Lopez said with a smile on her face. No one knew that it was John since my mom was his TO. "Ya like a Name, that would be helpful." my mom added "so you can spy on him ya not gonna happen, and why is it so important to you to find him, he makes me very happy" I say. "And from what I've heard he makes you scream to" Lopez said. Oh she was playing dirty. "what?! Now u really need his name I wanna know who my baby is screwing" My mom said. "Oh that is so not gonna happen and how do you know about this anyways?" I turned to Angela. "I have my sources" she simply said.

We where having a good time when I went to get another round for us. That's when he appeared. My ex. The man who was abusive and absolutly shit. I just prayed to all the gods that he doesn't see me. But that did happen.

"Oh well hello my love, it's been so long" he said with a smug smile. "yes I wonder why?" I said sarcasm dripping in my voice. "hey you know I dont like ist when you are Sarcastic so cut it out" and with that he grabbed my arm and wanted to jank me out of the bar but I freed myself somehow and came back to the table.

"Hey im sorry but I don't feel well so I'm gonna head home." I said just wanting to get to John, the only man I wanted right now. "Are you okay should I give you a ride?" my mom asked but I politely declined and walked home, or to John. Lucly he didn't life far away so I was there soon.

"John? John im home." I said. "Hey dove, I didn't think you were gonna be back..so..soon, what's going on you seem upset." he said taking my face in his soft warm hands. "I saw my ex again" I said tears welling up "what ex?" he asked afraid he'd knwo the answer. "David." I said breaking down crying in his chest. "he grabbed me and wanted to drag me outside." I sobbed. He just hugged me tight and strocked my back. "im so sorry dove, but you are here now. You are save now, no one is gonna hist you anymore, not if I can help it." we went to the chouch and I sat on his lap hidding my face hin his neck, I want to stay like this forever.

I was so exhausted from all that that I fell asleep on his chest, so he carried me into the bedroom and he layed down next to me and I snuggled up next to him.

A few hours later I woke up from the doorbell, I looked over to John who was asleep like a rock, lucky, I thought. When I went to open it I already regreted it. "Mom? What are you doing here at *looks at clock* 4 am in the morning?"

"I wanted to know if you were okay so I pinged your phone-" "You what?! Why on God's name would you do that?" "you weren't home and I got worried but the bigger question is what are you doing here?" she asked and in that moment John came it "what's going on sweetie who's at the door?" "Amor I love you but you have bad timing sometimes." "Nolan you are sleeping with my kid? She's 21 years old. Shes a baby!" my mom said. John looked very scared so I jumped in "I am not a child I am a grown adult who happen to be with someone older then me and it gives you no right to torment him at work just because I am dating your Rookie, got it?" I said hoping she'd understand. "Mom?" "Alraight but if he hurts you that will be his last day on earth." She stared John down with that comment. "Harper I wouldn't even dream of hurting her" he said while snaking his arms around my waist. She seemed like she wanted to murder him. "Okay okay but don't PDA infront of me got it?" "Got it" we said in uinon. She walked away and I closed the door. "So how many pushups do you think you'll have to do before she's satisfied?" I ask. "Oh my love there isn't a number that will satisfy her, I am dating her one of her daughters so I will get pushups till my Rookie year is over. Now its 4 am in the morning do you wanna go back to sleep or...?" he asked with a smile. "Oh I like your thinking Mr. Nolan." I said and took his hand and led him the bedroom where we kissed and closed the door.

[horrorknife]

here it is yall. the famed mary and james tumblr essay that i keep talking about doing

i’m gonna break this up into chunks because it’s just. easier for me to think that way. also wrote this in one sitting so im really sorry if some of it is grammatically horrific or phrased weirdly lol

part 1: james and misogyny

so first off, yes, james’ misogyny is prevalent and actually a bit of a theme throughout the game--this mostly manifests as his struggle with his sexual frustration (as the meme goes). it’s so potent that people who don’t even know anything about silent hill know that a theme of sh2 is sexual frustration.

looking at the bubble head nurses and mannequins, we can see that james’ sexual frustration may have led him to fantasize about the nurses tending to mary. the mannequins are just two sets of legs put together at the hips, which suggests that james sees women only as sex objects. whether or not he was always like this is uncertain, though i believe these thoughts were always present in the back of his mind since...i mean he’s living life as a white man somewhere between the 70′s and 80′s.

more misogyny springs up with maria’s appearance. maria looks facially identical to mary, but she’s got a less conservative hairstyle and shows much more skin, complete with a tattoo on the exposed skin of her stomach. i find maria’s sexualization to be the most in-your-face of all of these examples, simply because her colors are so loud compared to literally everything else in the game--it really gives you the feel that, before all else, james wants to have sex with his wife. this idealized version of her that silent hill provides to him is what he wants from mary. we don’t know much about their marriage prior to the game’s events or mary’s sickness, but it’s possible that she was once a lot more sexually present. i believe this to be true simply based on the fact that their relationship is described as being “very intense” in the first few years before plateauing into a normal, homey love.

part 2: did james really love mary?

of course james loved mary! everything that happens in the game suggests that james loves his wife more than anything. i don’t believe that their relationship was ever onesided or abusive prior to mary’s sickness, and even then, i strongly hesitate to use the word “abusive” in reference to their relationship at any point.

anyway--james’ devotion to mary is the driving force of the game. as far as we know until the end, james got a letter from mary, who has been “dead for 3 years”. when angela tells him that the town is dangerous, james’ response is that he doesn’t really care that it’s dangerous. from what the player knows, james has fallen into a depression so deep that he is passively suicidal and without hope for pretty much anything. the mere possibility of seeing his dead wife is all the excuse he needs to thrust himself into the pits of hell, because that would make any suffering at all worth it.

i would say that, in my personal opinion, the most damning evidence to prove that james loves mary is the fact that he was so distraught by what he did to her that he became delusional to the point of driving back to their beloved vacation spot in the hopes that he would see her again. he has her body in the back seat of his car and is so horrified by what he’s done that he forces himself to forget.

part 3: if james loved mary, why would he kill her?

okay. now we’re getting into the meat of this. i’ve seen people argue that james couldn’t possibly have loved mary because he killed her. this take is problematic because it completely disregards all of the onscreen evidence that suggests the complete opposite. is james a horrible person for murdering his wife? YES! is that what you are supposed to understand about him? YES! silent hill, and pyramid head in specific, is literally punishing him for his sins. pyramid head is a product of his own desire to be punished for his actions, which he realizes at the end of the game.

so, why does james kill mary? let’s dissect the complete situation first.

part 3 part 1: mary’s sickness

silent hill 2 does something very effective (at least in my opinion) by putting you in the shoes of someone who is watching a loved one die in real time from a terminal illness. despite james’ unforgivable actions, the player gets a very close and personal look at what he was going through while watching his wife wither away. james indicates to us that he did as much research as he possibly could about what could possibly be wrong with mary, to no avail.

it’s implied that james stopped visiting as frequently and instead turned to drinking. we’re allowed to overhear mary’s end of a conversation from when he visits, bringing her a bouquet of flowers. mary, at this point, is convinced that she is ugly and unlovable, and above all else, is suffering through a disease that is killing her. she’s frustrated and upset, shouting at james to leave, get out of here, don’t look at her, etc. i’ve seen people reference this as abusive behavior, which, like i said before, is something i hesitate to call it. this is typical behavior from someone who is dying. it doesn’t justify her treating him poorly, but i don’t think james is mary’s victim at all. i don’t think james sees it that way, either--he knows she’s suffering. directly after this, we hear mary break down and apologize. she tells james that she wants to die, for her pain to end, etc, and then quickly takes it back, because as any sick person would be, she is having a very complicated relationship with her mortality.

part 3 part 2: mary’s death

james kills mary when she is allowed to come live at home for a few days because she is clearly nearing the end of her life. james kills her via suffocation with a pillow, directly after kissing her on the forehead. at the end of the game, when james is speaking with mary, he first says that he killed her because he wanted her to be free of her illness, and then backtracks and says that, no, it’s because he despised her and wanted his life back. mary (who is not actually mary, remember, but james’ projection of her) responds by saying something along the lines of, “if that’s true, then why are you so sad?”

since we understand that this is not james and mary conversing, we know that this is an internal conflict that james is resolving by talking it out with his approximation of mary. james’ resentment for mary is not deep; it’s quite common for these feelings to arise in people who have to watch their significant other die when they can do nothing about it. i don’t read this as resentment specifically for mary, rather a frustration with the entire situation that ends up seeing its fruition in the only place it possibly can: the person causing the pain. he can’t be angry at something intangible, so he ends up feeling angry with mary.

this is as true as it is that he also wanted mary to be relieved of her suffering. james did not have one singular reason for murdering mary--he had justified it to himself as both of them getting relief. in the end, this clearly wasn’t what he wanted, but it does speak volumes to his desperation that he actually went through with it. i don’t believe that he thought this would solve anything; i don’t think it was even premeditated. it’s presented to the player that he just wanted both of them to stop going through what they were going through.

james’ instant horror at his own actions (the ultimate betrayal of his wife, the murder of another human being, and the intrinsic selfishness of the act) speaks volumes to me from a character standpoint. i’m not sure how people are able to miss this, but then again, *gestures to the silent hill fanbase*

btw, i wasn’t sure where to fit this in, but mary’s up and downs are clearly reflected in maria, based on how her attitude fluctuates so intensely with james.

anyway: james’ love for mary is ultimately what ended up killing her, because it became unsustainable the worse her situation got. i think it’s worth pointing out that despite everything, james never cheated on her (as far as we are told--though i think if he had done this, it would have been seen or mentioned in the game). also, please don’t come away from this with the idea that i’m defending james, because i’m not--i just think that he actually has a lot of depth and he gets very one-dimensionalized by fans! james isn’t innocent, he’s a horrible person who let his love warp him into a toxic, angry person. this can coexist with the fact that he loved his wife beyond all measure!!!!

i’m not super sure on how to wrap this up but this is...most of my thoughts on their relationship. it’s skewed towards james just because we don’t have too much of an idea of what mary was like but i will defend her with my life because this woman was not abusive, she was fucking dying and lonely. honestly i could say a lot about her, laura, and james as a group but i feel like that’s probably suitable for another post sometime. :-)

[multyfandoms-imagines]

If it's alright with you, may I ask for some fluff and angst headcanons/imagines about the LC Traffic Light OT3 that is Ayin, Benjamin, and Carmen? They have a lot of good potential for both fluff and angst that are rarely explored together.

Thank you in advance if you do! The LC fandom appreciates all of the numerous and interesting imagines and headcanons you create, especially the sheer volume you have that it necesittes seperating the thoughts into seperate masterlists.

Oh, my motivation for writing is as wavy as Beat Saber's Player's arms after playing Camellia song on Expert. So sorry that i got like that

In any way, thanks for being patient with me. So, i'll try to add some things into this request as well

Under cut for spoilers. HEAVY STORY SPOILERS

TW: death (alot)

Ayin, Benjamin and Carmen headcanons

•okay, im like 90% sure that majority of newcomers to this universe only played LoR as LC is mostly overlooked due to the gameplay, and likely see Ayin as a terrible, irredimable guy

•he was not like that when his head was alright. Ayin was an introverted, silent guy of the 3, even if he was very smart

•Carmen is the "too much energy" extrovert friend that just does not shut up. But while some may see her as an evil woman, her pity for the people living in the city was real. Living there aint the best thing you know?

•Benjamin was a 3rd wheel, but funny enough, a mix of Ayin and Carmen's personalities. He is shy, but can be vocal about his ideas and opinion on what do these guys do

•Carmen is oblivious, Ayin loves Carmen, Benjamin loves Ayin, there, i said it. You can leave xd

•okay, but their relationship didnt start on the first sight. There were months and years even of these 3 being together

•Carmen was the one to invite majority of the Sephirahs into LC (including Benjamin) and encouraged Ayin to get to know them better. And Ayin, being an introvert, did so after some nudges from Carmen

•turns out he also liked their company alot

•Enoch and Lisa (Tiphereths) were unofficially adopted by Ayin and Carmen when they rescued the kids

•these 3 were living fine lives in Lobotomy Corporation before it all went downhill ....

•this is were you should stop scrolling cus it will be bad

-ok u good? Good? Ok-

•yeah, people die during accidents, and, trust me, they were upset when it happened

•but experiments failed and caused people to die, including some dear friends like Elijah, Enoch. Garion raided their facility, killed whoever she spotted.... You know how the Sephirahs died by now, dont you?

•in the end when Carmen took her own life... Ayin broke down. He didnt care if people died. He promised Carmen to finish what they had started... Regardless of how much more sinful acts he must commit. Going as far as to make that dreadful perfect scenario that didn't help his mental health

•a part of him tried to make himself feel better by making Angela, but that too, failed. But now Ayin didnt even have a slight motivation to either deactivate Angela or to let her live how she wanted. So, she just became another tool for the scenario to do

•it got so bad that Benjamin/Hokma had to erase Ayin's memories, calling him X. And politely asked Angela to watch over Ayin in case he starts going insane again

•Ayin, now X, is pretty oblivious to the relationships he had before now. Not that he minds it

•.... He still feels lonely in his room, X does not know what is he missing to feel like that