#but simply using a substance doesn't make it substance abuse

[literaryvein-reblogs]

Writing a suicidal protagonist, but not depressed.

I'm going through a bit of a rough patch at the moment so I'm trying to put it into my writing. Do you have any advice for writing this? I mean, I suppose I already have the experience, but writing tips are always welcomed.

(I really hope this doe)sn't come across as trauma dumpy, I'm not seeking any irl advice. I suppose I just see it as an objective reality of many that doesn't necessarily need to invoke things such as comfort or anything, y'know?)

I'm glad you're trying to put such personal experiences into your writing.

Since I don't know much about your specific protagonist, in addition to incorporating your own experiences, I'll provide you with some writing notes on suicidal behaviour that you can refer to in order to make your writing more realistic or true to life (and you're right, literature on such real and sensitive topics doesn't always need to invoke comfort, or provide a lesson of sorts to the reader. Because simply depicting the realities of many people is enough - or more than enough - and is very important, even if it makes people uncomfortable... because it IS not a comfortable topic). Needless to say, each person has varying experiences.

Attitudes toward suicide have varied throughout history and vary considerably among different cultures.

The ancient Greeks considered suicide an offense against the state, whereas the Romans believed that suicide could be a noble way to die.

The view of suicide as a sin prevailed in Western societies for hundreds of years.

Only since the later decades of the 20th century did suicide cease to be considered a criminal act.

Suicidal Behavior - term used for individuals who have engaged in potentially self-injurious behavior with at least some intent to die as a result of the act. Evidence of intent to end one’s life can be explicit or inferred from the behavior or circumstances. A suicide attempt may or may not result in actual self-injury.

Levels of Suicidal Behavior

completed suicide

suicide attempts that are potentially fatal

suicide gestures—behaviors that are not necessarily lethal but are a cry for help or attention, such as superficially cutting one’s wrists

suicide gambles—attempts in which people gamble that their lives will be saved through intervention, such as a fatal but slow-acting drug overdose

suicide equivalents—behaviors that invoke responses similar to those seen with suicide, such as a teenager running away from home as an indirect call for help

suicidal ideation or thinking about suicide, which can range from nonspecific thoughts that life is not worth living to specific suicide planning

Mental illness is a major risk factor for suicide.

More than 90% of Americans who commit suicide have been diagnosed with a psychiatric illness and/or have problems with substance abuse, especially alcohol, opiates, and cocaine.

Schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, and borderline and certain other personality disorders are risk factors.

People are at particularly high risk for suicide during the first week following discharge from a psychiatric facility.

Other suicide risk factors include individuals who:

are victimized by bullying

are isolated from other people and community

have a family history of suicide

have a history of attempted suicide

have a history of childhood abuse or family violence

have had traumatic experiences

have experienced stressful events, such as separation or divorce, job loss, or death of a spouse

have a chronic or progressively debilitating disease or condition; chronic, severe, or intractable pain; or loss of mobility or independence

have access to a firearm

are victims of alcohol or substance abuse, which weakens impulse control

have low total serum cholesterol

reside at a higher altitude, possibly due to altitude-related metabolic stress in individuals with mood disorders

are involved with the criminal justice system, or are incarcerated (especially during the first hours or week of imprisonment)

have sleep problems and disorders

are impulsive

have been exposed to suicidal behavior in others, including family members, peers, or friends (especially among adolescents) or celebrities, which is referred to as contagion

take certain medications

live in low-income households or in poverty

are unmarried

are lesbian/gay/bisexual/transgender (LGBT)

CAUSES. Suicide results from combinations of factors specific to each individual.

Studies have found a connection between genetic factors and suicide.

Some suicides appear to be impulsive acts, whereas others follow a major life event or crisis. However, the most common trigger is the pain and desperation of a mental illness, often unrecognized and untreated depression or bipolar disorder.

A complex of illnesses involving changes in the brain, depression is very common in the general population. People in recovery programs are often at particular risk.

Many people with depression develop anxiety disorders, which can further contribute to suicidal thoughts or behaviors.

Depression is particularly dangerous when the individual is emerging from the darkest depths of the disease and has the energy to act upon suicidal impulses.

Suicidal depression is not always obvious. For example, some depressed men appear irritable or angry rather than depressed. ‘‘IS PATH WARM?’’ is a mnemonic for signs of suicidal behavior:

I—ideation

S—substance abuse

P—purposelessness

A—anxiety

T—trapped

H—hopelessness

W—withdrawal

A—anger

R—restlessness

M—mood changes

Other signs of suicidal intentions are:

isolation or withdrawal

emotional distancing

lack of family or friends

distraction, seeming to be in one’s own world

lacking any sense of humor

dwelling on the past, especially losses and failures

feelings of hopelessness and helplessness

preoccupation with death

You can refer to a mental status review used by clinicians to guide you in describing your character. This includes:

appearance—the patient’s clothing, personal hygiene, and any physical evidence of self-harm

affect—expression, emotion, and intonation when describing plans for self-destructive behavior

thoughts—suicide command hallucinations (usually auditory); delusions about the benefits of suicide, such as thoughts that relatives will be better off after the person dies; and obsession with suicide

homicidal potential

judgment, insight, and intellect

orientation and memory, including signs of delirium or dementia

The need for suicide intervention is assessed by the following:

ideation—whether the patient has thoughts of self-harm

plans—the more specific the suicide plan, the greater the risk

purpose—what the patient believes will be achieved by suicide

potential for homicide

NOTE: The clinician will also evaluate risk factors as described above.

Most people give clear warnings of their suicidal thoughts; however, those around them may not recognize the significance or may not know how to respond. People who are concerned that a family member or friend is at risk for suicide should do the following:

educate themselves about warning signs and risk factors

identify healthcare professionals who know the person and can help

call 911 or the local emergency number if the person seems to be at immediate risk

Factors that lower the risk of adult suicide include:

 a significant friendship network outside of the workplace

a stable marriage

a close-knit extended family

religious faith and practice, especially religions that value life and discourage suicide

a strong interest in or commitment to a project or cause that encourages social interaction and cohesion

One of the "Conditions for Further Study" in the DSM (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders) is Suicidal Behavior Disorder (SBD). This is NOT an official diagnosis yet, but research is ongoing. I'll include here a few proposed criteria and potential diagnostic features, just for reference purposes:

A suicide attempt is a self-initiated sequence of behaviors by an individual who, at the time of initiation, expected that the set of actions would lead to his or her own death. (The “time of initiation” is the time when a behavior took place that involved applying the method.)

Determining the degree of intent can be challenging. Individuals might not acknowledge intent, especially in situations where doing so could result in hospitalization or cause distress to loved ones.

Markers of risk include:

degree of planning, including selection of a time and place to minimize rescue or interruption;

the individual’s mental state at the time of the behavior, with acute agitation being especially concerning;

recent discharge from inpatient care; or

recent discontinuation of a mood stabilizer such as lithium or an antipsychotic such as clozapine in the case of schizophrenia.

Examples of environmental “triggers” include:

recently learning of a potentially fatal medical diagnosis such as cancer,

experiencing the sudden and unexpected loss of a close relative or partner,

loss of employment, or

displacement from housing.

Conversely, features such as talking to others about future events or preparedness to sign a contract for safety are less reliable indicators.

Again, the above excerpt is for a proposed criteria and potential diagnostic features for SBD (not yet an official diagnosis).

I'll include here a few interesting studies on SBD. Some researchers aren't for it. Most are discussing the current lack of data and research on it. 1 2 3 4

Also I think I misunderstood your request when I first read your message. I thought you wanted to write a suicidal protagonist but they're not depressed. But just in case, here are a couple of articles exploring suicidal ideation in non-depressed individuals. I would recommend looking into the qualitative findings as this could help writers if this is the topic you want to write about. 1 2

Lastly, since this is quite a sensitive topic, it is advisable for you to keep in mind conscious language, particularly when you're planning to share your writing with a wider audience and when publishing. Editors and publishers also frequently advise to get a sensitivity reader. Because while you might have the best of intentions, if you’re dealing with serious issues that real people deal with, it would be a good idea to do some research or get a sensitivity reader. Or both. Here's an excerpt from that previous post:

Words have power. Where and to what degree that power has an impact will inevitably depend on who the reader is. Words can drive a story forward and compel the reader to turn the page. Or they can disengage readers, even hurt them, and compel them to, at best, reject the novel; and at worst, review it negatively. Doing the awareness work prior to publication can help to prevent this while at the same time improving knowledge and craft.

Sources: 1 2

Hope this helps. And thank you for writing about such an important topic.

[bunnyboy-juice]

i love that ppl are talking about the real adult problems that come from being autistic, including substance abuse, but can we please be sure that we're not over compensating for this by making the false association that all autistic people who partake in drugs or alcohol are struggling/in a bad place/are abusing it???

[mikichko]

⛔ this blog is 18+ !! minors and ageless blogs please dni ⛔

have some brainrot: adoptive parents ghoap

soap and ghost who are officially out. both from the military and to their families. they don't really care about the world. respectfully, fuck those cunts

married, with a house, and a fully adopted kid. a bright, spunky, amazing little five-year-old who fits right into their little family. they love him to death. dote on him in their own special riley-mactavish way.

the problems arise once their little bairn gets enrolled in school. the first few weeks go by fine, adjustment period and all. but once he's past it, the calls start coming. and after the calls there are meetings. conversations carry on for weeks on end, with no resolution in sight.

aggressive, they call him. a distraction, says another. they use the word dangerous to describe the sweet little boy sitting just outside the door. their sweet little boy. the same one that hides behind simon's leg whenever they pass a dog that's just a tad too big on the street. who licks the back of the spatula after johnny finishes mixing color into frosting.

and it's not like they were unaware of his history. they knew his mother had been abusing substances all throughout her pregnancy. knew what the state of the home was when child protection services rescued their little boy. they were well aware of what could come from it all.

what they weren't aware of was the absolute disdain that adults, more importantly, those tasked with caring for children, would have towards him. anger and disgust directed at a child who wasn't even at fault for the circumstances that led him there. just casting him aside, labeling him as defective from the beginning without even giving him a chance.

until you pop up of course. directing a particularly nasty look at the balding man who called their boy dangerous.

"he wouldn't be reacting like that if he didn't have external factors agitating him david." you speak his name as if forming each syllable was the single most disgusting act of your entire life.

the man doesn't hesitate to snarl back at you, some lousy excuse of how the world will have plenty of external factors agitating him. he simply can't coddle a child when the world won't do the same.

you claw at the armrests, glaring at him as you push yourself forward and speak through gritted teeth, "he's a goddamn child. we are the ones tasked with prepping him for the world. how the hell do you expect him to adapt if we don't even give him the skills he needs to do that?"

baldie revs himself for another go at you but the headmistress interrupts, guiding the conversation away from your tiff. the boys don't miss how you push your glasses up your nose with your middle finger. all while holding eye contact with the bald dickhead in the tweed blazer.

the conversation carries on and unceremoniously lands on the same conclusion it always does: the behavior needs to be curbed, otherwise he won't last here much longer.

they've already reigned themselves to the fact, already looking up the other schools in their area, when you stop them, holding the door as the last staff member slips out of the room.

"mr. and mr. mactavish," soap stifles a snort, "I know for a fact that conversation was completely unhelpful. frankly, a waste of your time. but I'd like just another moment with you two if that's okay with you?"

they nod, moving to sit, but you don't follow. instead, you poke your head out the door, "hey Z! So sorry you've been waiting so long buddy. I just have to talk to your daddies for a few more minutes. that alright with you?"

that makes both of them straighten. addressing him directly, not just speaking at him, while letting him know of the situation and asking for his permission? not something they'd seen from any of the school staff before.

they hear his small "yes ma'am" through the open door and you shoot him a smile before closing it. you sit yourself down in front of them, opening up a folder, "apologies again for that lot of clowns. they seem to forget that we don't come out of the womb with the emotional regulation switch flipped on"

simon grunts but it's johnny who speaks up, "didnae know youse were running a circus here."

you snort, "definitely making fools of themselves. can't say i've any tricks to make myself look as goofy as them. but," you pause as you rifle through some papers before your eyes light up, "I do have spreadsheets and timesheets!"

you lay out two stacks in front of them, "i've been tracking Zach's behavioral changes along with what we deduce were his triggers on these sheets," you tap the left most stack of blue papers, "and his medication dosage along with the time taken here."

you fold your hands, giving them a moment to absorb the information you've dropped on them. it's meticulous and incredibly well-documented. the behavioral outburst sheets even have the times and dates for each occurrence. you've also added little notes for many of the incidents. there's a 'fuck david' that you'd tried to scribble out but were not fully successful in doing so.

ghost rubs a finger across the inky mess, "he talks to you about his fits then?"

"aye, he does sir. it takes a bit of time but we manage to work through it. usually a drink of something cold and a snuggle with something soft seems to do the trick."

"oh did ye find that out on your own? am sorry. should have sent a note," soap apologizes as he rifles through his papers.

you wave him off, "no need mister mactavish. your boy is very good at communicating. it seems that the adults here just have a hard time listening."

"now," you reach across the table handing them identical sheets, "I'm thinking that both of you want to stop these oh-so-lovely monthly chats. and this," you tap your third identical paper, "is the solution for this."

"it's a joint emotional management endeavor, carried out both at home and here at school. you and your husband would be the primary handlers at home and I'll be the handler here. it's a multi-week program with a focus on reaction handling after a triggering event and exercises he can enact when overwhelmed"

there's a bout of silence as the two of them absorb everything that you've handed them. no one else, aside from family, ever offered this kind of care and handling for their boy before. to know that there's been someone not just looking out for their baby but researching ways to help him? it stirs something in both of them.

"why're you doin' this?" ghost scratches out.

you tilt your head, "mister mactavish, i'm an educator. but above else i'm a caretaker. i'm with these children almost as much as they're with you. it's my job to help shape and mold these children into the best version of themselves they can be."

"i happen to think that little boy out there deserves a chance to show the world how good he is. don’t you think so too?”

[delucat]

25 Questions About Bloody Painter

1. Birthday? Height? Physique?

Born on October 1, 1980, under the Libra sign.

In the current storyline, he's about 26 years old.

He stands 178 cm tall with a well-built physique.

2. Favorite food and drink?

He loves sweets and cocoa; basically, he enjoys all kinds of chocolate.

In all official works, the brown drink you see him consuming is not coffee but cocoa.

3. What kind of scent does he have?

He uses perfume to mask the smell of formalin used in specimen preparation or the rusty smell of blood.

His preferred scent is oceanic.

4. His MBTI?

INTJ.

5. Preferred clothing style?

He likes simple and sleek outfits, often wearing colors in calm tones.

Also, the blue jacket he usually wears isn’t a trench coat; it’s a suit jacket.

6. Does he smoke or drink?

He doesn't smoke or drink because he finds the smell of smoke pungent and dislikes the bitter taste of alcohol.

If he has to drink, he prefers fruity soda-like alcohol or sweet cocktails that barely taste like alcohol (he has childlike taste preferences). His alcohol tolerance is average.

7. Does he listen to music? What genre?

He listens to almost anything and becomes particularly interested in music with unique styles from an artistic appreciation standpoint.

8. How does he kill?

He's a clean freak and dislikes making a mess at crime scenes.

His methods focus on easy cleanup, avoiding unnecessary torture of his victims.

9. Does he cook for himself? What type of dishes does he usually make?

He’s good at household chores and can prepare common Western dishes.

10. Favorite color?

Blue.

11. Does he watch TV shows or movies? What genres does he like?

Yes, he enjoys anything with innovative themes or visual techniques.

However, he dislikes romance dramas because he can't understand or relate to love, which makes them boring for him.

12. Is he a light or heavy sleeper?

He’s a night owl and a light sleeper, which causes his prominent dark circles.

13. When does he wear gloves?

He only wears gloves when handling objects or when he doesn’t want to leave fingerprints.

14. Preferred medium for painting?

For his public art, he prefers oil paints for oil paintings.

As for those darker pieces, he might mix in victims' blood or other substances.

15. Does he smile when he’s in a good mood?

Yes, but it’s rare for anyone to see it. Also, when he’s shy, he tries to hide his emotions by looking away, but his flushed cheeks and ears give him away.

16. Regarding character pairings?

In the 2018 version update, all pairings with other authors' OCs were removed to keep his story realistic. He is currently single.

However, fans are free to create any pairings in their fanworks.

17. Defining trait?

Selfishness.

18. Sexual orientation?

He identifies as agender, meaning he doesn’t feel tied to any particular gender. His attraction to others is based purely on his mood and feelings.

To put it simply, he doesn’t care about gender.

Also, agender ≠ asexual; he still has sexual desires but finds it difficult to develop intimate relationships due to his cautious nature (which likely means he's still a virgin).

19. In terms of intimacy?

He behaves gently and gentlemanly, but he has a deep-seated violent streak.

If his partner consents, he may become more dominant and leave marks, enjoying the sense of control.

20. Does he have possessiveness towards his partner?

Yes, but he respects his partner, so he wouldn’t try to control or limit them.

However, it’s clear when he’s jealous!

21. What was his childhood like?

He suffered severe mental abuse from his controlling mother, leaving him psychologically shattered, though his body bears no signs of physical abuse.

For more details, refer to the 2018 version story animation: https://youtu.be/AaHgY62-ggI

22. Would he make a good father?

Since he never experienced a normal family life, he doesn’t believe he would be a good father and doesn’t aspire to become one.

He thinks, "The world doesn’t need another me." However, he would make a great older brother or mentor.

23. Ethnicity and nationality?

The official story doesn’t specify his nationality, but he is ethnically white.

24. Is he really afraid of cockroaches?

He’s not afraid of insects and even makes insect specimens.

His fear of cockroaches stems more from his germaphobia than the insect itself, as he perceives them as dirty creatures.

25. Any other tidbits?

● He values manners, so he avoids cursing. Still, in moments of stress, he might accidentally let out a quiet curse. 

● When he’s alone and relaxed or happy, he hums to himself.

=================================== 

Do you have any more questions about Bloody Painter?

Feel free to ask in the comments, and I’ll reply when I have time!

[syoddeye]

the christmas party

ceo!price x reader / smut free / ~2.8k words

A very belated Christmas drabble thing. Definitely not inspired by real life events. 👀 Featuring a fem!Reader x Price, background Ghost x Soap, and Gaz, the incredi-boss. Might fuck around make this a series, we'll see! Maybe I'll clean it up and throw it on AO3, too.

CW: alcohol, substance abuse (mentioned) inappropriate comments from coworkers

You came to expect drama at the company Christmas party. It was as traditional as the optional White Elephant gift exchange, the hired group of carolers, and the ugly sweater competition.

Last year, a 'mystery' baggie of powder and a credit card belonging to the former Head of Sales was found in a bathroom stall. Two years ago, it was the unexpectedly raunchy dancing between an engineer and a project manager you swore hated each other. Three years ago, a division head went home with someone who was definitely not her spouse.

You'd seen a lot in your tenure. The good, the bad, the ugly, the hilariously mortifying.

Coming up on your fifth year with The 141 Group, you were a rarity. Most folks job-hopped. More power to them, no shame in gaining good experience after a year or two to leave for greener pastures. The fact you stuck around labeled you a 'veteran', a cheeky if not sensational label, though there were times you certainly felt like you'd seen war. Acquisitions. Rebrands. Reorgs. Yeesh.

But life at 141 suits you. You are an executive assistant, a good one. It helps that your direct supervisor and the VP of Finance, Kyle Garrick, a fellow 'vet', was an incredible boss. He lets you work from when you need to, doesn't micromanage, and treats you like a person, unlike other execs. He had faith in your ability to manage his calendar, prep materials, book travel - in short, you organized his work life. In return, whenever some new hire got too fresh with you, all it took was one teensy mention in a morning meeting, and by lunch, the offending party had only apologies for you. Most importantly, though, the job nets enough money to make rent and let you pursue your hobbies.

With years of Christmas parties under your belt, you were looking forward to tonight's low-grade yet cataclysmic event. Pre-gaming and primping at a fellow assistant's house, Jordan, you clasp the silver holly leaf pendant around your neck where it lies just above your modest cleavage. The dress code was simply 'Christmas Color', another tradition. Formal attire was expected, if not an unsaid requirement, which meant slipping into a gorgeous dark green dress you spied weeks ago in a boutique window. You thank yourself for earning that last pay bump to afford it because you look fantastic, in your humble opinion.

Lacing her leather Oxfords, Jordan gives a low whistle when you turn away from the mirror. "Like a big, sexy pine tree."

You smirk. "Thanks. Remind me why we both couldn't wear red tonight?"

"Because of the two of us, red is my color. Do I not look like some kind of holiday vampire?" She asks, standing with a sweeping gesture down at her deep, red velvet suit.  

"More bellboy, but-"

"Rude!"

The two of you lovingly bicker all the way out to the awaiting car. The 141 Group, ever mindful of its image, always reimbursed rideshares for its company parties. Given the amount of liquor that flowed at these events, it wasn't only generous but smart. Like the higher-ups needed a scandal. The car ferries you across town to the ritzy event space at a local art museum. Leaving your coats at the complimentary bag check, you enter the well-underway party.

The events team needs a raise, like yesterday. The sprawling space was completely done up. Several open bars, a champagne wall, a photo op with a to-scale Santa's Sleigh, and dining tables with place settings that probably rival a monarch. Silvery white birch trees enveloped in lights line the walls, with clusters of small fir trees fully decorated dotting the space. The dancefloor was already busy with a DJ fully dressed as Santa.

Four going on five years, and it was still quite the sight.

You gently elbow Jordan. "So. Cheesy themed cocktails first or canapes?" 

"Obviously drinks. I just saw one with an ornament in it!"

~~

Three hours in, it was a dead heat for Most Dramatic Event. Two separate calamities slowly built throughout the night.

At the nexus of the first, Chad from marketing was almost blacked out. After winning the ugly sweater with a true abomination of a sweater (working lights, a mini speaker, and an ungodly amount of sequins), he celebrated. A little hard. He bopped from open bar to open bar as the bartenders cut him off one by one. He was trying to convince a coworker to grab him another Mistletoe Martini, and it was progressively getting louder.

The second was from the rumor mill more than anything. Apparently, a developer named Scott brought the wrong gift for the exchange. As the story went, his wife used the same paper for an identically sized gift, one of a titillating nature, and now he was visibly paranoid that he nabbed the wrong one on the way out the door. The man stalked the pile of gifts as folks drew numbers.

Jordan bet on the first, and you bet on the second. From the corner, you watch, giggling behind a cup of Prancer's Punch.

The sound of your name drew your attention. Kyle, in a charcoal gray suit with a sleek snowflake tie bar and green tie, approaches with a Tiny Tim Collins in hand. Though you waved hello earlier in the night, he spent most of the evening in the company of who you deemed his 'buddies' - Johnny MacTavish, VP of Technology and Jordan's boss, and Simon Riley, the Chief Security Officer. You learned in your first month to leave the trio to it. 

"Having fun, are we?" Kyle grins and turns to observe the twin events. 

"I love this party. Every year, delivers just like Santa," Jordan gleefully said.

"Someone should stop them," You add, knowing nobody would. At least not Kyle.

And as if on cue, the man chuckles. "Not my circus, not my clowns."

The three of you chat, swapping bits of office gossip collected through the night. Not the most appropriate, but not the worst social crime, surely. You're the right amount of tipsy: warm and relaxed but solid.

The wager came up naturally.

"What do you want if you win, my pine tree?"

"Hmm. It's gotta be something outrageous but not a fireable offense. Hmm. Maybe I'll have you sing on a video call, pretend you thought you were on mute or something."

"...That's boring."   

"Do I want to know?" Kyle asks, sipping his drink. 

"We have a bet on who's gonna be this year's drama - Chad or Scott." You explain.

"Maybe I ought to get back…" Your boss said with a laugh. "Better not witness to whatever you two plan." 

"Might be for the best. Night, Kyle," You accept the brief hug from the man, then poke a finger against his chest. "Listen, if I get one DM about work during the holiday, I'm switching your coffee to decaf."

Kyle claps a hand over his heart as if he's been shot. "Monstrous. Fine, have it your way, no work during Christmas…Now, behave yourself, both of you." 

Watching him retreat back to MacTavish and Riley (who look quite cozy - perhaps another piece of gossip?), Jordan nudges you. "If I was into guys, that's who I'd be into."

"You and like fifty other people here," As Kyle's assistant, you're more than his Girl Friday; you're also a professional gatekeeper. You could wallpaper your apartment with the amount of cringy notes you've stopped from reaching his desk. 

"Not your type, then?" 

You whip your head back to Jordan, utterly horrified. "No way. Not that Kyle isn't an absolute dreamboat; he's just not my dreamboat. Plus, at this point, it would be so, so weird."

Jordan laughs. "Y'know, even though we've been work besties for a year, I don't think we've ever discussed this. What is your type? As dudes are not my specialty, I have no clue."

Your type, huh? As if you don't know. Your type's been the same for as long as you can remember. Big and brawny, the kind of guy who could haul you around. Dark hair. Well-groomed, well-dressed, well-endow–You could still make it onto the naughty list. 

Using better and cleaner terms, you relay this information to Jordan. 

"Huh. A man's man. Whodathunk–oh! Oh shit, look who it is!" The other woman pats your arm and gestures with a nod.

Joining Kyle and his buddies, is none other than John Price - CEO of The 141 Group. Fashionably late (very fashionably late), yet another tradition. Adorned in a Santa red suit jacket and a matching red tie, he somehow makes the boring dress code dashing. Flanking him is a pair of bodyguards. He's just in time for the wager to come to a head. 

God, he looks good. 

As Kyle's assistant, you see John fairly regularly. Not that he sees you. No one above a certain pay grade sees assistants. You kind of just blend right on in. Not even Mr. Riley, whom you've been introduced to a dozen times by Kyle himself, recalls your name. When you tag along to meetings to take notes for the boss man, you assume you're on the same level as a lamp or plant. That doesn't mean you haven't ogled John Price before. Kind of hard to not to, what with his commanding presence. You're kind of ogling him right now.

"Wow, you really do have a type," Jordan hums with a shit-eating grin.

"Shut up," You hiss into your drink and look away, just in time to see Chad from marketing lift a gift box-shaped ice sculpture and smash it onto the ground next to one of the open bars with a frustrated yell. The poor bartender and caterers jump back, and the music scratches to a halt. A thick silence fell over the party, impressive for a crowd of over a hundred, and your eyes flick to Mr. Price.

He glares daggers in Chad's direction, then nods at the taller of his bodyguards. Without hesitation, the man crosses the event space toward a petrified, drunk-crying Chad. As the guard hauls him away, your coworker, or former coworker, you assume, bursts into ugly tears and then disappears from sight. But your eyes are still on John, whose gaze turns to the DJ. The music starts again, as does the chatter. 

"Fuck yes," Jordan giddily whispers. 

"Well, shit."

"You know what this means, don't you?"

"...Unfortunately, yes. Yes, I do," You sigh and down the rest of your drink. "Before you swing the axe, let me grab another punch."

"Hurry back, I've got my thinking cap on," Jordan impishly smirks. 

With a groan, you make your way to the nearest open bar. One far from Chad's little tantrum. Most folks are on the dance floor at this hour, leaving this particular bar quiet. Waiting in line behind other tipsy coworkers, a clearing throat behind you grabs your attention. 

"D'you have a recommendation?" A low, gravelly voice from all your best dreams asks. 

You turn, and the sweet Hallmark-worthy image that blossomed in your mind in the last two seconds promptly morphs into a nightmare. Not a running-for-your-life nightmare, but a you're-the-only-naked-person-in-class nightmare. Laughable, considering the topic of conversation not three minutes ago.

John Price stands tall behind you, arms crossed, testing the fabric of his red suit jacket. He smells like tobacco and something spicy, and his eyes are a shade of blue you hadn't noticed before. You never got this close. They narrow slightly, and you realize you haven't answered him.

"Prancer's Punch." The name sounds cornier aloud.

"Hmm. Brandy or rum?" He sounds unimpressed. Was he unimpressed?

You're quicker to answer this time. Except, you babble. "It's, uh, made with dark rum. It's delicious. I've had a few. The cranberry juice isn't too tart, compliments the sparkling wine and–It's good."

Santa, run me over with your reindeer.

Kyle would be humiliated to have heard all of that. You are humiliated for having said all of that.

To your surprise though, the corner of John's mouth hooks in a smirk, then he chuckles. "How many qualifies as 'a few'?" 

You, apparently committed to acting moronically, answer honestly. "Five." 

It gets you an actual laugh this time. His hand raises up to scritch at his cheek, flashing the band of a watch you're certain is worth more than your life, then juts his chin forward slightly. "You're up, miss."

"Oh, no, Mr. Price, I insist, please-" You start to sidestep to let him up in line, but his hand lowers immediately and stretches out to stop you. He doesn't touch you, but the hair of your arm stands up at the proximity. 

John smiles again, and his head tips toward you. "I insist. Join me, Miss…?"

"Mr. Price?" A voice suddenly interrupts. The taller bodyguard that removed Chad steps up and steals away Mr. Price's attention. "The problem's been dealt with. Regarding…"

You don't hear the rest of the conversation because you hurriedly ask for a punch and bolt back to Jordan. 

And Jordan saw everything. Your heart is racing, and you miss half of her teasing. 

"You made him laugh. Twice. I don't think I've ever seen him smile, let alone laugh." 

"Because I basically admitted to being drunk!"

"Calm down, you're not, you're solid," She reassures. "Besides. You saw that death glare at Chad. If he was upset, I reckon you'd be on the receiving end of one of those."

You groan and take a swig of punch. You hope you've had enough of the good stuff to burn away the memory of your embarrassing rambling. You look back to Jordan to say something and find your friend once again grinning devilishly at you.

"I just thought of what I want for my victory."

Any time, Santa. Put me out of my misery.

"What?"

"So…You know #AskPrice?" 

You know where this is going, and your eyeballs nearly bulge out of their sockets. "Jordan. Please. No. Do not make me post something stupid there." 

#AskPrice was the name of the open channel at work. Anyone across the company could post questions for Mr. Price to answer. More often than not, it was a venue for bootlickers and kiss-asses to rain praises and share bad proposals. Rarely was there a legitimate question or a good idea.

"Darling, of course not. I have something far funnier in mind," She started, and you swore you saw the flames of hell itself in her eyes. "You're going to direct message Mr. Price and ask what he wants for Christmas." 

Jaw, meet floor. "Absolutely not!"

Jordan laughs and hooks an arm around your neck, pulling you in. "Come on. It's harmless. Believe me, I considered making you send a selfie or asking if you're on the naughty or nice list."

"He could fire me!"

"For what? It's just a question! He always says we're welcome to DM him."

To be fair, Mr. Price did say that at the end of every company-wide call or in email announcements. He always harps on 'transparency' and 'open channels of communication', hence #AskPrice. To your knowledge, however, no one ever takes him up on that, at least at your level.

"Jordan…Mercy. Please."

"My sweet pine tree, you lost fair and square," She releases you and pats your shoulder. "If it makes you feel better, I bet he gets a thousand messages a day. The notification will get lost in the noise."

It doesn't take much more prodding and encouragement from Jordan. Your phone ends up in your hand, and you tap into the chat app. Your hand shakes a little when you pull up John's username and open the message dialogue. 

johnprice - invisible Hi, Mr. Price. I was wondering what you want for Christmas?

Short and to the point. Jordan calls it 'boring', but you're already putting your neck on the line for a stupid wager. You're not risking anymore by dressing it up. Bet fulfilled, you press send, quickly turn notifications off, and shove your phone back into your little purse. Jordan rewards you with a squeeze to the shoulder.

"That was terrifying." You whine.

"That was a rush. Come on. Let's dance." 

~~

The next morning, when you're all but molded to your couch and housing takeaway, there's a little ping from your phone. It's the chime of the chat app.

"Kyle, for the love of everything, it's Sunday–"

You nearly drop your phone.

johnprice - invisible Hi, Mr. Price. I was wondering what you want for Christmas? > World peace. > I'd settle for a drink, though.

[theivorybilledwoodpecker]

"Don't cheer on Iran! This could lead to a war!"

And I really hope it doesn't. Israel attacked the Iranian consulate; Iran retaliated and has said that will suffice unless Israel attacks again. I sincerely hope Israel does not attack again and start a war.

But the idea that it's on all other countries to simply take whatever Israel does and not retaliate lest a war breaks out is similar to saying it's a domestic violence victim's duty to not fight back because it will make their abuser more angry.

For months, people have been warning against the possibility of a world war. Israel has been attacking Syria, Lebanon, and Palestine. The US, the UK, and other countries have attacked Yemen.

And it's always, "Don't retaliate, (name of country)! You'll escalate tensions!"

The message is clear: The US, Israel, and other Western countries think Arab countries exist merely to be Israel's targets

Now Israel attacked a country with the means to defend itself. Iran defended itself in a reasonable fashion in accordance with international law. Unlike Israel, it did not bomb the shit out of an entire region. It did not use illegal substances like white phosphorous. And Iran has said it is content with this being the conclusion.

I hope this is it. But that is on Israel, the US, and any other country who is supporting Israel. It is not Iran's, nor Palestine's, Lebanon's, or Syria's, duty to become Israel's plaything every time Israel feels like attacking people.

[sugar-grigri]

If Fumiko is monstrous then Fujimoto should start presenting her as such

Fumiko is written to remind us that Denji is a child, and I repeat, she is the symbol of a child's sexual trauma in all its horror and "paradoxes".

Touching Denji without his consent, catching an adolescent who hasn't yet discovered himself off guard, is the most obvious way of proving the link between the theme of sexual assault and Fumiko, but it doesn't stop there.

The fact that Denji accepts only proves this point: it shows just how much he's someone who needs boundaries and protection. He passively listens to what he's told without question simply because Fumiko has the upper hand.

She has one, but spends her time pretending she doesn't, in particular by disguising her age like a predator, calling him "senpai" when she's 22, and playing up her protective role as a "bodyguard" when she's only there to stop Denji thinking for himself

As can be seen in the dialogue between Miri and Denji, she positions herself as an interlocutor, standing in Denji's shadow, influencing his decisions and distracting the boy from the substance of Miri's message.

But she's a complete paradox, still trying to make Denji believe she's protecting him, she refers to Chainsaw Man as a "child", which rather than demonstrating a good intention shows that she's well aware of what Denji is and that she's abusing him head-on.

Who protects a child by attacking him?

Once again, I insist, these are two pages from the same chapter. Dare you tell me that Fumiko doesn't present any contradictions?

Above all, she makes it seem as if she only wants what's best for Denji, even when he hasn't responded to her pleas for help. Once again, there's a paradox: the predator blames her victim for not having seen her own vulnerability, whereas she’s only abusing those of her victim.

Fumiko is a metaphor for the very dangerousness of sexual assault, gentle on the surface but insidious, its violence only made clear and felt after the event, rising like a tide.

When Yoshida convinces Denji to give up his normal life, he leaves him in the hands of Fumiko, a public hunter, who symbolises the extent to which, despite the monster in front of them, danger also exists among men, and that the milieu of public hunters is a harmful world for a child.

I think the reason Fujimoto doesn't immediately place Fumiko in a position of condemnation is to instil a feeling of frustration and powerlessness at seeing Denji unprotected, to make it clear that "he's missing something", a parental figure.

But I think that for the writing to be complete, the author has to take a clear stance on the subject, in his own way of course, but explicitly

Seeing Fumiko next to Denji makes me anxious, it's such a common form of violence that it pulls me out of my reading.

Fumiko is a monster, so I pray that Fujimoto will have fun explicitly detailing her dark side and her horror.

If he doesn't, then she'll remain an unfinished and confusing chimera, the result of lazy writing and a fear of commitment.

[freakbytvface]

Stolas and Valentino are the same character

Hear me out.

Warning: Long text. Also hot take?

Disclaimer: I don't hate HH or HB, or any real person involved. While I'm not shy to criticize, at the end of the day it's still a fictional world and not worth getting too mad over.

So, I'm one of the people who had never heard of the Hellaverse before HH dropped earlier this year. Never seen either pilots, never heard of Hazbin or Helluva, never seen or known anything of the characters, and thus had 0 attachment to any of it. This year I watched HH after it released in whole before knowing what a helluva boss was. Now, Valentino deserves the bullet, we all know that and most people would agree. So when I got around to HB, I was shocked to see the Valentino archetype....being adored and a fan favorite? Unironically, too?

Like... They're so similar in both how they look, act and feel towards those around them and their version of AngelDust/Blitz.

Let's compare; 1. Rich, high on the social hierarchy, with an authority that's difficult or impossible to challenge: Check.

Valentino is a rich, famous overlord pimp who uses souls and substances to control and exploit people beneath him.

Stolas, demon royalty, filthy rich and so powerful he ranks only below Charlie. Has entire legions and a palace-full of (imp) servants at his beck and call.

2. Tall, red eyed, twink with effeminate gestures, pleasant voice and distinct manner of speech. Also dark purple/grey -ish.

Like come on, check.

3. Obsessed with a low rank, underprivileged poor sack/object of desire.

Check.

4. Gone out of their way to acquire control over their object of desire.

Valentino, through means unknown so far, bought AngelDust's soul, keeping him bound to him. This leaves AngelDust unable to leave or refuse him.

Stolas had his book stolen by Blitz, but instead of reporting him or simply getting it back, waited long enough for the latter to build his business depending on the Grimoire, and only after it became essental to his job, Stolas set inappropriate demands, knowing Blitz would do anything for the book he now relies on.

5. Their objects of desire are expected to perform sexual acts whether they want/like them or not, and are bound to suffer negative consequences for not complying.

AngelDust has to do porn and prostitution work to make Valentino money and afford his addiction. He gets physically abused, belittled/insulted, and verbally/emotionally abused and manipulated for not doing so.

Blitz is expected to sexually please Stolas each full moon however the prince desires, to keep his (very difficult to make and keep for his low rank in society) business afloat, pay his employees, and financially support his adoptive daughter. Failing to keep Stolas happy means putting himself and especially his loved ones at risk or significant disadvantage.

6. On top of their transactional relationships with their OoD, romantic/romance-coded feelings or behaviours are one-sidedly involved.

AngelDust is Valentino's number one star/moneymaker, perhaps favourite employee, yet Valentino throws jealous tantrums when he's ignored/not suckered up to, and feels entitled to Angel's time, attention, availability, and texts him like a clingy boyfriend.

Stolas, not satifsfied with their arrangement, began expecting Blitz to fullfill a romantic role in his life and deliberately tries to have him perform this fantasy; by trying to get him to be his knight in shining armor, dropping everything and coming to his rescue when he's in danger that Stolas could have easily avoided/gotten out of if he didn't want to be a damsel in distress in the romcom in his head. Is shown to be upset/dissapointed when Blitz doens't want to do anything with him outside of their deal; not staying over after sex, not visiting him in the hospital, not wanting to be near him anymore than he has to. Acts wronged, petty, belittling/mocking and ghaslights/guilttrips Blitz when the latter doesn't act like a devoted boyfriend, when in reality Stolas has made him essentially an indebted prostitute.

7. They treat those they see beneath them poorly.

Valentino is sadistic and exploits, physically assaults, emotionally/verbally and psychologically abuses his contracts and coworkers. Is creepy and predatory to those who aren't bound to him yet.

Stolas, less sadistic than Valentino, yet he exploits and physically abuses his palace servants. Is entirely indifferent to seeing his staff mistreated by his wife. Outside his castle, he's classist and racist, belittling imps, feeling entitled to their services showing no gratitude, or straight up ignoring their existance. He only sexually abuses one imp, though :))

8. They treat those on the same level as them poorly or are neglectful.

Valentino is shitty to Vox and Velvette, breaking their stuff, yelling, insulting and being petulant around them. Even to Charlie, who is above him, he assaults and insults her all the same.

Stolas publicly cheated on his wife, flaunts it with no shame, has no concern or care for how this affects his daughter, who he claims is his reason for living and the only one he actually cares about. Doesn't assume any responsibility for his actions, expects everyone to accommodate to him. Carelessly leans out his daughter's inheritance and seemingly her studies, which are his responsibility, are subpar. Also forgets about his daughter constantly, stayed hours in the human world watching a shitty sitcom rather than go look for his missing daughter in a place she's never been in and, as far as he thought, was in danger. Is happy ditching/neglecting his family and princely duties to pursue his OoD with no care for the consequences and harm on others.

9. They often display sexually charged speech and actions that are inapprioriate to the people they're with or the situation.

Valentino is a creep and sexual predator off the go to pretty much anyone, specially vulnerable/gullible people or straight up people who don't want/like it.

Stolas speaks openly of his sexual desires in front of his family, reads imp erotica at the dinner table in front of his wife and teenage daughter. Speaks of Blitz sexually in public despite his protests.

I'm tired of typing at this point lol, sorry for any mispellings, but come on, genuinely asking, why are these two so differently received by the fans?

It's not even about which one is worse, because they way I see it they portray different versions of an abuser; Valentino is the more overt "textbook" type, the one everyone recognizes as abusive, and Stolas is the more covert one that everyone sees as the victim instead and paint the actual victim as the bad guy for not acting like a regular textbook victim. I get that everyone was iffy about Stolas at first, as it's reasonable, but I truly don't get how everyone grew to adore him so much?

Personally, I don't even find him neither funny or charming. At least Valentino has some funny moments/lines, but Stolas is just so whiny and annoying to me, which is a shame because I really wanted to like him and his owl design is cool. I love good villains, and I would like Stolas more if they treated him accordingly, like a villain, instead of a poor uwu sad gay babyboy who's crush doesn't call him back.

If you read this far; first of all, ur cool

I welcome any thoughts and additions as long as you're polite and respectful about it. <3

[dingodad]

I know your tags said that the lil cal & Gamzee stuff isn’t worth discussing, but I think a lot of people could actually use someone articulating the problem with assuming that the puppet is what triggered the breakdown/“mind controlled” gamzee. If you’re really to speak on it, I’d love to hear it 

to preface: i'm not unsympathetic to the desire to see a more sympathetic interpretation of Gamzee given how his arc speaks to certain racialised themes within the comic. but this is what's in the text as i see it.

ultimately it comes down to the exact same arguments that apply to Dave's bro. Gamzee is part of Lil Cal, so if Lil Cal were whispering in Gamzee's ear the whole time he was also undergoing all these stresses related to faith and substance, those whispers are Gamzee's own thoughts being reflected back at him. if puppet-Gamzee suggests to man-Gamzee that he kill people and man-Gamzee concedes, all that's really happened is that Gamzee has given in to his own desire to do that. this is what Homestuck does when it pits alternate timeline versions of characters against each other; it simply manifests interactions going on within that character's own self.

more specifically to Gamzee, this is a character who manifests Homestuck's feminist themes very explicitly, especially in regards to how they are portrayed via Alternia's caste system as a member of the patriarchal purple class. it is true and worth mentioning of course that Lil Cal is not just Gamzee, but is also Caliborn, Gamzee's patriarchal god! but then it was Gamzee who raised Caliborn to have those patriarchal principles; because in Homestuck the patriarchy isn't something you're somehow influenced or tricked into participating in, it's something you choose to perpetuate, just as Caliborn chose to perpetuate it in becoming Alternia's patriarch... and so on ad infinitum.

the "tragedy" of a time loop isn't that fate is somehow forcing you to adhere to a course of events that you don't want to adhere to; tragedy is when the person that you are makes it inevitable that you will walk down that same violent path every time. and Homestuck is all about that person that you are; it's a story by and large disinterested with any scenario where a character's actions do not offer insight into their personalities. a Homestuck character has a certain nature, and while on occasion they are offered psychic stimuli, how they react to that psychic stimulus is according to their nature.

there is of course a physical rather-than-metaphysical approach to Gamzee's backstory, which I'm sure is more along the lines of what you were looking for lol, and while analysis of that is not so much my area I feel that the physical approach basically points toward the same kind of conclusions as the metaphysical one. Gamzee is a character of tragedy, who has been shaped by physical stimuli like religious abuse (from all manner of directions!), parental neglect and substance addiction. and my assessment of that is primarily that... this should be enough? like is that not enough to create a compelling character. even if it were not antithesis to Homestuck's themes I guess it just seems to me like it goes without saying that "this character's actions were the result of someone else's will and not of their own unique circumstances" reduces the character. most certainly yes, there are manipulative forces at work in Homestuck, and their name is Lord English, and yes, Lil Cal is Lord English, but Lord English's power lies in the telling of the narrative; and the narrative that turns Gamzee into a villain is already there! English doesn't need to tell Gamzee to make those malevolent choices, because English already established the circumstances that made those choices inevitable. to make Lil Cal into some literal cursed amulet is to make Lord English into Vriska, and that reduces him, because that's not what he is! he's the god of inevitability!

[cornyonmains]

Something I really like about Only Friends is the characters are so complexly written and layered that I kind of wind up being an apologist or detractor for all of them at different points in time. I don't really have a black and white view of the characters, which is usually the only thing you have in BL.

Top's a fuckboy with substance abuse issues. But also, he seems like he genuinely wants connection, and I feel bad for him sometimes because it's so clear he wants Mew to be affectionate with him, and Mew just isn't.

Mew is controlling. A giant walking defense mechanism that can't connect will with people. But also, he's surrounded by people who don't have his best interests in mind, and as he's opening up, we're seeing that he's not some criminal mastermind. In fact, that's the mask. The real Mew is just some dumb college kid who's into a guy he's scared of being vulnerable with, because he's never caught feelings he couldn't control. It's so obvious someone messed Mew up REAL GOOD.

Boston is.... He's an objectively terribly human being. He's also a miserable human being though, a lot like Ray, and he places so much of his value on sex he doesn't know how to make meaningful bonds. It's clear he's nuts about Nick, that he wants to monopolize his affections and attentions, but he doesn't know how to translate that into something healthy. Like Mew, his relationship with sex is fucked, and at the core of an inability to bond. I actually think he's jealous of Mew because there's a parallel there, but whereas Boston is derided for his relationship with sex and inability to connect, Mew is praised. Boston is a shit human being, but he is to be pitied.

Ray's kind of a dick. He's self-centered, won't take no for an answer from Mew, he has substance abuse issues, and saying Sand wasn't his boyfriend because he's holding onto that hope for Mew was fucked. But he's also got major depressive disorder, his parents sound like real pieces of work, and Khao does such a great job of conveying his fragility you can really sense how close to just breaking apart he is. He fucks up, but you still want him to get to a better place.

Sand, oh dear god, this boy has my heart. He's not perfect. Yeah, he sells hooch, he smokes weed, he parties. But he's got flaws too. He works too much, his head's in the clouds, he's destined to wind up on a sexiest mugshots website, and he falls too hard, too fast. He lets himself get led around by the nose by Ray. Sand's the easiest character to like on this show. He's got a hustle, but he's also got 'dude I wouldn't be deeply uncomfortable to be in a room alone with' energy.

Nick's not completely guiltless with his relationship with Boston. I've got a soft spot for him because he's a sweet, quiet kid, and I have a habit of adopting introverts. But he's not like Mew, he knew his way around both dick and dicks from the start, and wasn't blind to who Boston was. He bugged the car. That was a little too extra. I still wanna buy him cheeseburgers and tell him these boys ain't shit though, because he's so miserably in love with Boston, and Boston might be up front with him, but he's still stringing him along, telling him what he wants to hear, and giving more when Nick expresses interest in seeing other people. Was recording Boston and Top some pure creep mode shit to do? Yes. But do I support him using the recording to put Boston in his place? Yeah, I do.

Cheum is another easy to like characters, but we don't get to see much of her, so aside from simply liking her dancing queen energy, I can't really make an assessment. I like that she's the only one in the group actually helping Mew with the project. Also, I laughed when she clocked Ray as most fuckable. Most queer woman would agree, and Jojo is out here making us feel attacked.

Anyways, in summation, I'm thinking of opening a GoFundMe to get therapy for fictional characters. I still can't believe we've got 7 more episodes of drams to get through.

[gracegrove]

Whether you're talking about a fictional character (Billy) or an actual person...

How can you say, "I don't think his abusive, racist, misogynistic behavior would have improved with time--because he didn't see it as a problem. You have to want to change."

How did you know he didn't want to change? Why are you so damn certain he's incapable of change? He's literally only 18 and has the rest of his entire life to change. You think he's honestly gonna sit there and be like, "nah this is fine. I'm set. I like everything just the way it is." And never once contemplate or attempt a change.

Every person attempts change on some level. Not everyone makes big ground shaking changes. Not everyone gets to a point that is satisfactory to others. That's not the point.

When you are around real people and/or work with real people and use this language guess what happens? It makes them feel incapable. It feels undermining. It helps solidify and corner them into a box they may not want to necessarily stay or be in.

I've worked with clients with records. Clients who've said outright sexist and bigoted things in front of me and at times directed towards me. But I continued to work with them. Guess why? Because if I were to leave in that instance, I'd only be proving a point. A single point. That again there's this giant narrative of "no one believes in you", "you clearly don't want help", "you're irredeemable", etc.

You don't kick someone when they're already down and then say, "gosh well, you don't even wanna get back up do you? You have to really want it?" Why should they want it or try harder when they're expecting more people like you to kick them right back to the floor again. Google "labeling theory", it might be helpful.

There's an therapeutic approach called Motivational Interviewing, and its main tenant is that change is facilitated by and comes from the client alone. It helps a client who is already well aware of people around them telling them to change, or societal expectations, or maybe more simply they have considered personally making changes themselves whether it's something like smoking cessation, substance use /harm reduction, emotional management, or wanting to make other behavioral changes but they haven't because they're not sure what such a change would mean or look like in their lives. So they sit on the fence. They become ambivalent.

The only job the therapist has in this is to help the client lay all this out. To discuss it and weigh each side. To examine what making changes or no changes would mean. Ultimately the goal is to help the client reach a state of active change. So that the client can begin new parts of their life and continue moving forward. But if someone isn't ready, then they're not and that's also ok.

If you immediately shut down on a fictional character because their story wasn't insightful enough for you to glean any empathy that they were capable of change, how do you or will you tolerate the overall change process that real people have? Because it's an arduous one. It takes time, it doesn't sprout up overnight. And half of it is because those people themselves were repeatedly told that they couldn't change either.

So stop contributing to the ambivalence or the stagnancy and start contributing to the change.

[bucky-h0e]

A/N: Sort of a re-write of the first part of what was called 'what if Bucky met Alpine in Bucharest' but it is only a slight recap of those events with a bit more of their relationship introduced.

Enjoy!

You Feel Like Home Masterlist

Warnings: Events of abuse/neglect, Alpine is locked outside of her house, angst, Alpine being too trusting in strangers, mentions of substance abuse, Bucky in denial about how much he cares, Bucky dreams about Alpine being in danger, Alpine is hurt

Bucky and Alpine's Small Interactions

Bucky knew about Alpine's existence - he made sure to do some sort of research/check on his neighbours, to make sure that they wouldn't pose a threat to him

considering the business they ran from their home, he knew that his dear neighbours wouldn't be too willing to bring armed forces to their complex

he's seen Alpine around, skinny, frail, looking a lot younger than her age (a solid 12 years - how she'd managed it in her living conditions Bucky didn't know)

he noticed she was always on her own, he never saw either parent with her

maybe this is why he felt something towards her, they were both forced into a life of solitude.

having lived in it for 80+ years, Bucky was used to it

but watching this girl be forced to live it for no other reason than simply existing, his heart ached for her

but he had rules

and he had to stick by them in order to stay settled in Bucharest

and he managed to stick to those rules for all of 2 months

Alpine had been locked outside of her flat, either by accident or on purposed Bucky didn't care to question (that was a lie, he cared very much so)

he went to bed, figuring that if he were asleep, he wouldn't be focused on the young girl out in the corridor sleeping on the hard, cold ground

oh how wrong he was

his dreams of his sister had slowly turned into a nightmare, ending when Alpine appeared, lurking behind the crowd in his mind

a shadow, always there, watching him, begging him to do something, anything

his dreams called for him to act, his sister begging for him to do so, as they prepare to ice skate in his slumber

it was peaceful, for a short time, until it wasn't

chaos ensues, the ice under their feet cracking, his sister falling in and him diving in after her

he'd managed to pull them out, but rather than answer the question of if she were okay, his sister, Rebecca, begs him to help the girl stood by the hole in the ice

no one noticed as she took a step forward

no one tried to stop her as she plunged into the icy depths

no one but Bucky

but he was too far, the world seemed to stretch back as he ran and reached for her

until suddenly he was awake, panting and nervous, thinking of the young girl in the corridor.

he gave in, looking through the peephole to see her still sat there and slowly opened the door

either she was a light sleeper or she just had not slept

she bolted up right, chest rising in small, quick bursts. he could practically feel the vibrations of her heart pounding against her chest

he calmed her, asking her name

she hesitated

she didn't know it

Bucky could feel his anger rising, how does a child not know their own name?!

Bucky offers his own to her after she asks for it, wanting to know what a name was supposed to sound like

for bucky, it was the first time using his name since his escape

she choses her own name, Alpine

it's strange

but he tries to smile at her and nods approvingly

she lights up at the endearment

he gives her an option that night, either he gives her pillows and blankets (his own because he didn't have any spare)

or she comes inside and sleeps on a bed with his pillows and blankets

she chooses the latter, scared of the germaphobe neighbour down stairs

it's awkward at first, but soon her adrenaline runs out and she's half asleep on the couch from where he'd left her whilst he sorted out the bedroom for her

he lefts out an apologetic hum, gently rousing the poor girl

"I know kid, I know. You can sleep soon, just gotta get in bed okay?"

it doesn't take long before she is out like a light, snuggled into the blankets, safe and sound in Bucky's bedroom whilst he sleeps on the couch

in the morning, Bucky wakes to the sound of the door and he bolts up

who the fuck was that

he checks the bathroom and kitchen, peeking into the bedroom to see nothing

it was probably Alpine leaving

checking the peephole, he sighs in relief at seeing her sat on the floor in front of her door

he's about to lock the door once more and get some more shuteye before he spots two 'regulars' come up the stairs

they glance at Alpine with sick grins, knocking on her door and slowly stepping closer to the poor girl

oh fuck no

Bucky is surprised he doesn't rip the door off its hinges with the force he opens the door with

it makes the men flinch but not Alpine, instead, she looks up and smiles at him

soon after, Alpine's door opens a crack, closing again and then opening once more after the bolt and chain is removed.

as much as he hates it, Alpine could now get inside.

he supposes he should be grateful

but he can't shake the awful feeling in his chest as he watches her enter after the men

perhaps he just needed more sleep

The next time they meet, a fire alarm had been pulled in the building, causing a mass evacuation

he had waited for her to leave her apartment, following behind her as they joined the crowd on the stairs slowly but surely making their way to the front of the building

he practically growls at everyone

they're pushing a shoving, terrified that it may be an actually fire

bucky knows it's not, he can't smell the smoke

in their haste, they keep pushing Alpine into the railing, causing her already aggravated coughs to worsen

what's worse, they're forcing her down two steps at a time, something her little legs couldn't quite handle due the the spacing

she's tripping and stumbling, holding onto the railing when a particularly hard shove causes her to fall forwards without a chance to catch herself

Bucky's hand reaches out automatically

gripping the back of her collar and pulling her back up.

his grip remains on her baggy shirt, squaring up his body and sticking close to her so that no one could push her again

they hit him and are stopped in their path as they collide with the sturdy body of an ex-assassin instead on the weak one belonging to his neighbour

when they get downstairs though, Bucky leaves

if there was a fire then emergency services would show up

he didn't need that

he'd circle back to make sure there was no fire, no police involvement

if there was then he'd grab everything he needed (if anything survived) and leave

he couldn't help but hope that there was no fire and he could continue living here

at least for short while

an hour later, he came back

no fire

no sign of police

no danger to his location

sighing, he begins the journey up the stairs to his floor

imagine his surprised when he gets halfway up and Alpine is clinging onto the banister, coughing up a lung and gasping for breath

surely, she should have been upstairs by now

her breathing is ragged and croaky, she'd obviously been struggling for a while now

he kicks a stone on the stairs, making a noise to let her know someone was coming up behind her

when she turns, there are tears in her eyes

"You good, Alpine?"

"Hi Bucky... just can't... catch my breath..."

he winces at her wheezing

he can't just leave the poor kid

he wasn't a monster

was he?

with his metal fist clenched and hidden away in his pocket, he offers her a hand - a flesh one, which she takes

bucky is surprised how tight her grip is

she tries going faster with his help, but he slows her down and tries to smile at her

"take your time kid. I'm here."

"You don't have to wait for me Bucky"

"I'm not going anywhere. Take your time."

When they eventually get up there (they had to stop a couple of times and Bucky had seriously contemplates just picking her up), he waits until he is absolutely sure that she can get into her own place and that her parents hadn't locked her out once again

if they had, he'd just take her back into his place again

he was sure that it would be the better alternative despite the sparce furniture

she did and the pair bid goodnight to each other

he decided that night that the next time the opportunity showed itself, he'd get her some sort of inhaler

he knew a couple of people who could help, he'd just have to make sure they wouldn't reveal anything

easy enough to do when the majority of their customers are underaged kids and when Bucky knew exactly who gave them their supply

but that was a job for another day

or maybe tonight

he had a feeling that it couldn't wait

especially when all he could hear through the walls was her coughing and her parents shouting at her to be quiet

yeah, he'd get it tonight

he doesn't see her for a couple of days, but he knows she got the gifts of three inhalers he'd left in her mailbox

she was the only one to actually use it - her parents didn't seem to care for the piles of bills and threats of eviction, simply suggesting that 'If we don't see it, they can't kick us out'

he feels relieved about the fact she got the inhalers, but still finds himself worrying about the amount of food she was eating or the clothes she war, the layers of dirt on her skin and her matted hair which was unsalvageable at this point

he hates that he is so caught up in his worries for her

he's on the run for the love of god

but she's alone in this world, and so young

it picks at his heart until the wound it leaves behind is a gaping hole, wanting to be filled with the slightest chance to look after her and protect her like she were family

which is why, when she gets caught trying to steal from a market stall, he reacts quickly.

he grabs the stall vendors hand, which in return tightens the grip on Alpines arm, her own hand holding a bruised apple

"what's going on here?"

"mind you're own business."

the vendor pulls her towards him, shaking her body aggressively in the process, calling her a thief

"I wasn't stealing! I was picking it up off the floor, I swear!"

"Filthy liar!"

this man has the audacity

THE AUDACITY

to try and hit her

Bucky sees red

all he wants to do in the moment is send this vendor into the back of his stall, or through the table. anything to get him the hell away from the girl and make his reconsider ever trying to do that ever again. bucky didn't know if she was stealing. he didn't need to know.

he did know that causing such a scene would not be a wise idea

he grabs the vendors raised hand, shocking the man enough for him to release the grip on Alpine's arm

"How dare-"

"You'll have to forgive my daughter, here, I'll pay for it now. And I'll take a punnet of plums and a couple oranges too."

the man seems to calm down at the sight of Bucky pulling out some cash, Alpine hiding behind the man

"She's your brat?"

this fucking guy

"Yeah."

he feels her grip onto the back of his jacket, looking down to see the dreamy, dazed look on her face, her eyes watching the fruit be moved and placed into a plastic bag

"Teach her not to steal. And give her a bath for fuck sake, her stench is scaring away my customers."

with that, the man attends to his other customers

sparing a glare at the man, Bucky decides that human interaction can wait today, instead turning and walking away from the market place

bag full of fruit in one metal hand

Alpine's in the other, flesh hand

he's fuming

how dare that man not only attempt to hit her, but then insult her to her face? as if she wasn't a human being? when had humanity fallen to such a level

right about the time they experimented on people and turned them in super-soldier weapons to be used for whatever they wanted

so always.

he's too in his own thoughts to realise that Alpine had been speaking to him

that is until he feels a weak tug on his hand

he looks down and his glare is replaced by a concerned frown

stopping, he kneels down to her height, gently running his thumb over the back of her hand

her arm is bruising and bucky has to stop himself from marching back to the marketplace and getting some revenge for the girl

"...I'm sorry..."

he glances up at her and his frown deepens

"I thought... it was on the floor... no one would want it anyway... i just.... i'm so hungry and i though he wouldn't notice..."

Bucky is pulling the fruit out of the bag as soon as she finishes speaking

he didn't care she was trying to steal a bruised apple

he rips open the netting surrounding the fruit and thrusts two plums into her hands

"Eat."

"but-"

"No. Eat."

for someone so hungry they would steal, Alpine is hesitant to bite into the fruit

but as soon as she does, she relaxes, sighing happily as she munches on the fruit, Bucky gives her two more when she's finished

"I don't care what you were trying to do. But if you're hungry, you come to me. I won't let you go without, I promise, so just ask me."

why was he making these offers and promises?

he barely knew the girl and yet he was going out of his way to save her?

maybe it was because she reminded him of his past

maybe it was because Steve pulled him from the darkness

he wasn't sure

in all honesty, Bucky doesn't think he'll ever understand his instinct to protect this sick little girl

but he can't argue with the feeling he gets when she sends him one of the brightest smiles he thinks he's ever seen, fruit juice dripping down her chin

shaking his head, hip lips move on their own to form a smile back at her, his hand reaching up to wipe the juice from her chin and rub it on his jeans

"Nice?"

"Mh! I love these! Thank you so much Bucky!"

bless his heart

he will buy her as many plums as she wants just so long as she keeps smiling at him like that

once again, he helps her up the stairs and waits for her to go in before

once again, it feels like a punch to the gut hearing her parents shout at her through the walls

he sees her again the next day, trying to climb up the stairs whilst carrying two shopping bags full of food

Bucky was sure she wouldn't get a chance to eat any of it before her parents go to it first

their so heavy that the plastic is stretching and threatening to break as she tries with all her might to get up the stairs

the one of the bags break, letting loose a wave of cans and packets down the stairs towards Bucky

he manages to catch a few before they get too far, placing them in his pockets as he goes to retrieve the rest

Alpine is close to tears, frustrated and just exhausted from the day she'd had

"Hey, hey, don't cry Alpine, it's fine. Look"

he gently takes the bags from her, re-organising the haphazardly thrown in items so that there was a bit more structure

some of the heaviest items he pockets until they can get upstairs to prevent the bag from breaking

he ties the bag that the handles had broken with a few of the left over items and offers Alpine an awkward smile

"All done."

he only gets a little sniffle in response

his heart breaks at her tear filled, tired eyes

she definitely wouldn't be able to make it up the stairs in this condition

he's have to try and calm her down

so, he kneels on the steps and gets her so sit a couple of steps ahead so that they were face to face

"What's wrong kid?"

her response is a mumbled mess and Bucky has never before been so grateful for the serum running through his veins than he was now

"It's so stupid. i just wanted to sleep but they made me go shopping because i ate some stale crackers last night and i didn't have enough money and they didn't tell me what they wanted they just gave me this and i can't read it so i couldn't get anything, they're gonna be mad at me!"

he frowns and gives her knee a gentle pat, taking the 'shopping list' she'd pulled out of the bag in the middle of her little ramble

it was ineligible

honestly if bucky had been given this he wouldn't know what to do with it

so it was a wonder that Alpine even managed to do any sort of shopping

he could make out a few things, but definitely not all of it

"Hey, you did good considering. Not even I could read thi-"

"I can't read."

"That's what I'm saying, i can't even make out-"

"No Bucky. I can't read. Or write. I can't do anything right! I'm so stupid and useless and-"

Bucky stops her by gently grabbing her hands

"You can't read?"

she looks so sad as she looks down, ashamed of admitting that she couldn't do what the other kids her age could do

"never been to school..."

bucky can't compute it

he always knew she didn't go to school

but he just didn't even consider the fact that she wasn't given a basic education

she spoke just fine

then again, she grew up with two adults who couldn't seem to stop scream at each other and god knows how much tv

he is furious at them and himself

why? he wasn't sure

but he knows he's close to his breaking point with this kid and the treatment she receives

he's angry and Alpine can tell

"...I'm sorry..."

he can't believe she's apologising for her own mistreatment

shaking his head, he moves his hand to give her head a little pat

"You did well kid, look at what you did. Can't read, but you got a whole lot of shopping for your family. You should be proud of yourself."

she's tearing up again and Bucky is panicking

"Really?"

he nods quickly, patting her head once more

"Really."

it takes a little time before she's ready to stand, she's still crying but it's calmed down

Bucky stands, wanting to get her home so she can rest

he picks up the shopping bags and glances down at Alpine as she stands and wipes her eyes, taking a few steps up, even more tired after her breakdown

he could just pick her up

it would be easier for them both

she looks so tired

but he doesn't want to over step

but she's exhausted

gently, Bucky leans forward and wraps an arm under her legs

she gives a little squeak as she's lifted, but sits quite comfortably on his arm

her small arms wrap around his neck, resting on his shoulders as he walks up the steps a lot faster than she's ever been able too

he's not surprised by how light she is

but he's terrified that even the slightest tense of his muscle would break a bone

despite that, he can't help but be tense, that is until she leans on him

the light weight on his chest gives him a sense of relief he can't describe

like a weighted blanket

Alpine can't help but relax in Bucky's arms

she's never been carried like this before

lifted sure, when she was in the way

but being carried like someone cares is a completely different feeling

and she relaxes for the first time in years, her head laying on his shoulder

tears fall at the overwhelming feeling

bucky assumes it's because she's tired - kids cry at stuff like that after all

he shushes her gently as he makes his way up, bumping her temple with his chin

"You're okay Alpine."

"You did good kid."

"Almost there."

it's nice, comforting

neither are ready for it to disappear but soon they find themselves on their floor

before bucky puts her down, he's shocked when she gives him a tight squeeze

what is this?

the answer: a hug

Alpine gives him the biggest hug she can muster before he puts her down gently

he is in shock

who knew the human touch could be so gentle

he smiles awkwardly at her, placing the shopping bags down letting her get inside and close the door before walking to his own

it opens just as hers does once again and he looks back

her parents throw her out

she's crying again as falls down against the railing

"Stay out of our sight for a while. Useless piece of-"

the door slams shut and the sound of the bolt locking in place echoes in the hall

her eyes are on her door and Bucky's remain on her

he's getting real sick of her parents

slowly, he steps towards her, slowly, carefully

as if she'd run away at any sudden movement

when he gets to her, he lifts her into his arm again, she resumed the position she'd been in not even three minutes ago

she's still crying as he takes her into his apartment

still crying as he lays her in the bedroom and covers her with a blanket, moving her matted hair out of her face

still crying until she falls asleep twenty minutes later, drained of any and all energy she had

he stays there for a while, brushing through her hair with his fingers, seemingly distracted by brushing a knot out

he only moves when it's getting dark and his stomach groans in complaint from the lack of food

he wakes her when it's ready, she barely manages a few bites of the meal he'd prepared before she's falling asleep again

he lets her, happy with the amount she'd eaten

he'd put the leftovers in a Tupperware box for later before letting her sleep again

when he was sure she was sound asleep once more, he moves to the living room to sleep on his couch

in the morning, he wakes to Alpine still asleep in the bedroom and begins on breakfast

it's nice

having someone to look after

he could get used to it

and when she shuffles out of the bedroom, rubbing her sore eyes that lighten up when she spots the food for them both he decides that yes, he definitely could get used to it

and that day, he starts the tedious job of working the matts and knots out of Alpine's hair - content with the look of pure joy on her face

The final straw for Bucky is a month later

he hadn't seen his neighbour in a month, but he'd heard her

heard her crying coughing

heard the slam of doors and shouts of her parents and their customers, all aimed at her

he's come close to knocking down their door before now

but he can't risk it

its not like he could just take her with him on the run

it wasn't fair to her

but would leaving her here be fair either?

it was all he'd been thinking about for the past month, holding himself back from waltzing in like a knight in shining armour

but Bucky Barnes wasn't a hero

he was an ex-assassin, hiding from people all over the world

he was destined to be alone

he needed to be alone

it was just safer

so why is it, that when he makes his way up to his apartment to find Alpine sat at his door, crying hysterically, all of that goes out the window

he hadn't seen her in a month

the last time he saw her, he'd managed to work out all of the knots in her hair and got her to take a bath, she looked healthy and happy

now though?

now, she was hunched over, face red, hair knotted and wild once again, covered in dirt and dried blood on the bottom of her feet, bruises covering her head to toe

the only thing stopping him from getting to her parents now his her reaching out for him

she whispers his name and he takes her into his arm instinctively

they don't say anything as Bucky brings them into the apartment and sits her on the couch, she whimpers at the loss of comfort

he grabs the first aid kit and wash cloth and bowl of hot water, sitting in front of her

he washes the dirt off of her, looking at new and old bruises which are healing

she seems happy just to have him near

slowly, he works his way down to her feet, worried about what he'd find

the cuts aren't deep, nor are they new

they seem to be healing okay - except one which still had broken glass in it

when he tries to pull it out, he realises she hadn't done it because of how much it had hurt

he shushes her gently, letting her squeeze his hand as he takes the glass out of her food and begins to treat it - easier said than done one handed

once he manages to wrap her foot sighing to himself before he sits in front of her and offers her a smile, asking what happened as he wipes her face with the cloth

"They don't want me anymore... I don't know what i did wrong... but they kept shouting at me and pushing me... father broke a bottle on the floor and I stepped in it by accident, tried to get it out but it hurt... it all hurts.. i don't want to go back."

she starts crying again and Bucky shushes her, pulling her into a hug which surprises them both

"he said i was selfish... that i was dirty... he- he said he was sick of my coughing but I can't-"

"It's okay... it's okay, you-"

is he really about to do this?

"you don't have to go back."

yes, yes he was

"You'll stay here with me from now on."

she looks up at him with wide, hopeful eyes

"Really?"

"Yeah... Yeah you stay here, and I'll- I'll look after you... if you want."

his heart stops when she smiles at him again, reaching up and hugging him

"I want to stay with you."

he wasn't sure what the future would hold for them

but as long as he stuck to his remaining rules, he's sure he'd be fine

that they would be fine

if they had to leave then they'd leave together

Alpine was light, he could carry her as far away as they needed to go

if needs be, maybe he'd tip off the Avengers himself, get Captain America to take care of her

that was a plan for the future though

for now, he'll look after this girl who for some reason decided that he was the one to trust

even if he didn't trust himself

he'd make changes to the apartment, safety measures for her to use should the worst happen

but for now, he'll give himself a chance to be happy

even if it's for a short while

[actuallyadhd]

i won’t lie i feel silly for reaching out to a tumblr blog but here goes— My father openly admits he has autism and adhd, my mom is (as far as i know) neurotypical, with trauma. And I didn’t know any of this until i reached 17-18 (currently in my 20’s now) now, all my life i was always told “i need to focus” and that i ‘could focus’ if i put in the ‘effort’— but that i just didn’t ‘want to’. and that hurt growing up, because i believed it, why couldn’t i pay attention to the things i needed to, but when it came time for a favorite subject or something that was genuinely intriguing, i would dive in head first and become the knowledgeable in that subject. (which i later learned could simply be hyper fixation) and then from zoning out to not being able to physically shut my mouth(verbally stimming, even when I’m required to be quiet like during tests) — leg bouncing, finger tapping, daydreaming, feeling like i was “different”.

my mom would always push me to be my best which was harmful to me because i never got a chance for rest. she believed “the busier i was, the less trouble i’d get into” so i was in sports and dance and theater, and everything under the sun that could deter from free time. and i guess that was fine until the break downs and shut downs kicked in. then i was lazy and unmotivated and ungrateful even. and i guess after years of that we learn how to mask, which i think i do really well. because when i brought up to my family n friends that i might have ADHD, they just said “i don’t see it” or “mmm i don’t think so—“ 🧍🏽‍♀️

fast forward. and now we’re at a harsh wall of substance abuse, i use THC products because it helps me just, BE. and i did my research as to why and of course. People with low dopamine levels who smoke THC get that reward chemical that we so crave, and then when we keep getting our dopamine that way, it creates a dependency. go figure. i told this to my boyfriend (who is very loving and supportive, but i also don’t think he believes me when i say i might have ADHD) and he smokes too, n he might have ADHD too (he’s not too sure but he had instances as a kid where adults told him n his parents he might) but the difference is his willpower. and it makes me feel like maybe i’m doing something wrong? not to mention that every time i say i want to get medicated everyone will give me a billion reasons not too— (even tho i might just when i get the finances for it)

he swore he was just like me, but the difference is that he just redirected his energy and mind power to just…not. his words not mine. and then i thought maybe he just did CBT therapy on himself, and he thinks he did too. And I’ve tried all the things that people suggest, calendars, timers, reminder apps, adhd apps, writing on sticky notes, writing it on my hands even!

so i guess my questions are — am i doing everything i possibly can? am i trying hard enough to manage this? did i make a mistake somewhere along the way? and how do i keep going about it even when it feels like no one is taking me seriously when i say i’m struggling with this?

-a very tired n drained brain

Sent February 29, 2024

I'm sorry it took me so long to answer this. I don't know if I can help you a lot, but I will do my best to help you where I can.

I see a lot of things in your message that you might want to address with a counsellor. In particular, it seems like you might have some childhood trauma from being expected to suppress your ADHD symptoms. This can make ADHD symptoms harder to manage, and some trauma-related responses can mimic ADHD, which makes it hard to know what's really going on.

As for your boyfriend, it sounds like he may have found some systems that help him with his symptoms. It's also highly likely that your symptoms are different from his, and that you need different systems from those he uses. That doesn't mean you don't have ADHD, and it doesn't mean he doesn't have ADHD either; it just means that you are different people.

The THC use is something you both might want to reconsider. It can be difficult to find good information on the effects of cannabis on the brain, but what information we have indicates that ADHDers who use it are more likely to become addicted. This makes sense, since you're self-medicating. The problem is the addiction plus the possibility of a variety of other issues that can develop with extended use, such as memory problems and difficulty thinking clearly. Obviously the choice is yours, especially if it is legal in your area, and apparently medical marijuana is now being prescribed as treatment for things like depression and anxiety, which are often comorbid with ADHD, so the medical consensus is definitely in flux.

You list a bunch of different things you've tried, but I can't really offer any thoughts on that because what will help you depends a lot on what you're struggling with and why. I don't think your problem is that you're not trying hard enough or anything like that; I think that you've been stuck trying things that work for other people but that don't address your specific difficulties in a way that works for your brain.

It is clear to me that you are struggling, because if you weren't you wouldn't have written such a detailed Ask. You deserve help and support for the things you're struggling with.

If you write in again with more specifics about what you're currently struggling with, I can try to help you figure out what to do about it. If I suggest something you've tried before that didn't work, let me know and I'll see if I can come up with something else, or some tweaks that might work better for you. In addition, other people here may have suggestions for you to try.

Followers, do you have any thoughts on this story? What do you think about using THC for ADHD? How about the dismissiveness of others when we bring up our symptoms to try and get help?

-J

[acorpsecalledcorva]

Lmfao, so for whatever reason I decided to look at the DID tags on twitter, probably as a form of digital SH and the first post I see on there annoys the fuck out of me

TW for discussion of self harm and self injury

Ok so first thing I see is this

And this is definitely a touchy subject subject for me, I get hyper critical when I see it discussed, especially since some early conversations with my therapist. Even before that discussion though I've always hated the way self harm is discussed even if I couldn't articulate those feelings.

And that's because abstinence as a moral imperative might be the most damaging ideology to ever worm it's way into society.

I mean, even the title of that article "First, Do No Harm, Not Even to Yourself" is soaked in moral judgement, "hurting other people is wrong and bad, right? So why would do a wrong and bad thing to yourself? You wouldn't download a razor blade" and it doesn't even make a proper argument on the moral philosophy of harm, she merely attempts to imply immorality by association. Hurting others is wrong because it violates their autonomy, your liberty to swing your arm ends just where my nose begins, right? It's about consent. In BDSM, a sadist may physically hurt a masochist because they have consented to it being done to them. Similarly, gender affirming care doesn't violate the Hippocratic Oath no matter how strongly a transphobe feels about it because informed consent is given to the treatment. Conversely, genial reconstruction surgeries performed on intersex babies or even infant circumsions should be considered a violation because consent has not and cannot be given.

But how does this apply to self-harm? It's your body, it's your autonomy, you aren't violating shit. Even being in a system no single alter has complete authority over the body, it's still possible to come to a consensus without unanimous agreement because guess what? Making decisions while having conflictual feelings or being in two minds is a perfectly normal human experience.

Am I saying you should self harm? No. Of course not. I'm simply saying that self harm is not an immoral act and I will remove the personhood of anyone that tries to weaponise shame in this way against people who almost certainly feel an incredibly painful and torturous amount of shame and guilt already.

The article is also vaccuously lacking in substance. The author seems to think this 'gotcha' is a sufficient argument but itself, checkmate traumatised liberals, but obviously needs to generate ad revenue through scrolling so offers 8 "new realities" to help reinforce a morally pure and healthy mindset.

1. Feelings are survivable and containable

Uhhh sure, they can be, if you have the right coping mechanisms to deal with them. You can't just tell someone to forgo the coping mechanisms they already have without successfully replacing them with something equally or more effective though. The whole point of dissociation from trauma is because certain feelings ARE deemed to be unsurvivable by the brain, you're not weak minded for thinking so.

2. We have art, reading, distractions, therapist, meds

Yeah no shit, that's not always enough though and you haven't failed if you try them and they don't work, the coping mechanisms have failed, not you.

3. We deserve to feel better

So true! Self harming makes me feel better when emotional distress is overwhelming me, I'm glad we agree

4. We don't need to guarantee pain

You know what guarantees pain? Shaming yourself out of using a coping mechanism without addressing it's root cause, but that's ok because feelings are "survivable" right?

5. We don't have to hurt via self-abuse

I actually don't know what that's supposed to mean, I can hurt myself without hurting myself? I don't have to self harm? I know I don't have to, but I can if it's better to do so than to not

6. Our trauma is over, why continue it?

First of all fuck you, retraumatisation is a very well noted trauma response, but so is shame and guilt so who's really continuing our trauma here?

7. We don't have to stand vigil over pain to honour abused parts

EXACTLY! That's what coping mechanisms are for, hey guess what coping mechanism can be really effective at temporarily relieving emotional pain? I'll give you a hint, it's not reading.

8. We will honour our abused parts with self compassion, understanding, acceptance, and encouragement

Once again so true! I will be compassionate to abused parts, understanding and accepting of the coping mechanisms they choose, while encouraging exploration of healthy alternatives without shaming them if they don't work.

Her website is littered with BuzzFeed style listicles of "25 ways to avoid self injury and prevent self harm" "25 more ways to avoid self injury and prevent self harm" "another 25 even more ways to avoid self injury and prevent self harm" and like, sure, they're all perfectly fine distraction techniques but what really pisses me off about the wording of these is that they're framed as ways to distract yourself from the urge to self harm, as though the urge itself is what's wrong, and not the pain and hurt that the urge is a response to.

Just watch one more movie bro, trust me bro, this next one will be the one that makes the pain go away bro just trust me one more movie bro.

I have wasted so much fucking time hating myself and shaming myself and feeling like a failure for breaking my streak. Torturing myself during some of the most emotionally distraught moments of my life because "it doesn't matter how much pain I'm in I can't give into the urge, I can't do that, no matter what I mustn't ever do that" imagining how much worse I'll feel when I punish myself for being too weak.

Do you know what I do now? I take note of the feeling, give it space and allow it to be present and I make a bargain with myself. I will give myself 2 hours to distract and soothe from the emotional pain that I or another part is experiencing, and if that doesn't work then we'll self harm with no shame or judgement. And you'll never guess what, I haven't even come close to self harming, and that's great! And maybe sometime it won't be enough and that'll be fine too, it'll just mean I really needed to. The parts that want to self harm feel respected and listened to, my hurt and abused parts feel seen because I'm paying attention to them and not fighting with the self harm part and we all get to move through the experience with grace.

8. We will honour our abused parts with self compassion, understanding, acceptance, and encouragement

Fucking damn right I will, in every way I can.

So yeah, that was my first 5 seconds on DID twitter how was your day?

[alnstkinkmeme]

Till trauma exploration, sexual/abusive Lukatill, romantic Ivantill, reincarnation AU, angst

tags : ooc (till fucks but for sad reasons), till w a pussy, underage substance abuse, unhealthy coping mechanisms, luka and till hatefuck while drunk and ivan sees the very end of it, ivan kinda suffers too, heavy ptsd, past sa/sexual abuse (in the alnst universe), just more sad the dove has been shot and its not coming back, also mizi suffers a bit too, could also be abo for added suffering (as in when till and luka hatefuck till could be in heat, gets pregnant, and then erases it all while ivan is losing his mind), undealt with trauma everyone was reincarnated, modern times setting. the main four grew up as childhood friends, no memories of alnst, till still has a crush on mizi as a child but realises pretty quickly she's very much into girls when they were all around 13 and found mizi and sua kissing everything goes by fine, nothing out of the ordinary. not until one night when they were second years in high-school where till and mizi both remember everything, and not just remember, they can see it as if it was yesterday. they can feel the sensations. specifically for till, he can see ivans death, smell the rain and feel the kiss he and ivan shared, and worse than that. he can feel what urak did to him, every sensation and smell and touch is fresh in his mind. during alsnt everyone was so on edge wondering if they would make it to the next day, dealing with traumatising situations everyday, so they never really had the time to sit down and process their emotions or trauma. that meant that till was immediately sent into a downward spiral.

it starts with cutting class (ivan notices but doesn't comment), then moves on to worse things fast, smoking, drinking, getting a fake id from luka due to his rich kid bullshit privilege (in exchange for the id he gave luka a blowjob, luka said it as a joke but till ended up doing it). till uses the fake id to go to clubs to try and numb his mind enough to not have thoughts, he loses his virginity to a guy probably old enough to be a slightly young uncle in a dingy bathroom stall. he without realising it sought the horrible feelings arak gave him during his abuse, it was all he knew and it was so fresh in his mind it felt like everything he ever experienced before he remembered immediately disappeared. he continues to sleep around, with both men and women, he felt actual pleasure more so with women as they had the same downstairs equipment so they were able to please him a lot better. he became good at sex, he never fully enjoyed it though, it was simply to numb himself further. ivan notices things pretty quickly, from tills breath smelling like nicotine and cheap booze, to marks all over his collar bones and neck that he tried and failed to cover with bandaids or concealer. the heavy eyebags under his eyes and the biggest thing, him distancing himself from everyone and everything. time skip something something they make it to college, tills behaviour doesn't stop and his friends (mainly ivan) have had enough bystanding and want to stage an intervention. that intervention ends in a lot of yelling, fighting, mizi being completely silent the entire time due to her having a pretty good understanding of why till is doing this (she probably would've spiraled too if she didn't have mizi), hyuna and ivan are having the biggest reactions, ivans mask fully gone and his worry and anger at such a bad breaking point he cant control his emotions. hyuna is pissed in a big sister like way, she's over protective of till and basically is his big sister. somehow some way till ends of physically fighting ivan, hyena tries to get him off and ends up getting elbowed in the face. and luka is just standing there, looking down on till. [Please read the rest on the meme! Tumblr won't post it all]

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[astarab1aze]

hmmm.

in modern verse, sorti runs the escorting service faith works for. would explain why the mysterious man who approached and hired him doesn't really matter (he's an undead thrall anyway), and also why faith is so strong in his belief that exactly zero harm will come to him while he works for her, and even if he was, he would see some semblance of justice in the end. sorti's a complex woman - willing to commit unspeakable acts of violence and cruelty to get her way, but she's not an idiot. there's a time and a place for everything, and it's elementary: they'll perform better if they're not afraid, hooked on any substances, homeless, starving, or otherwise aggrieved. what's good for the goose is good for the gander anyway. a second chance in return for any inklings, whispers, implications, hints, rumors, references, anything that could possibly point her in the right direction. they were free to keep 100% of the money they earned, too, just as long as they did what she asked. such was the agreement with faith as well, in the end.

he doesn't care about all that though. he gives her every scrap of pertinent information he manages to squeeze out of certain clients, about the sanguine star or otherwise, though this is a treatment he reserves for clients he particularly dislikes (imagine what you'd have to do in order to find yourself in this category). he can keep a secret; the question is whether he will. self-preservation is arguably his strongest instinct and, if brought to tangible harm, he will divulge every secret he's gleaned, every single one - may hargraven and the fates have mercy on the stability of their life. one way or another, they won't be seeing him again. this is code for 'he isn't afraid to ruin anyone who abuses him, because sorti will do one of two things: kill them, or legally destroy them, no in between.' faith is also complex, happy to wash his hands of disliked clients the very minute he starts talking, but it isn't something he resorts to frequently. i'd say he's only done it once, and it's strictly, specifically because he was drugged and raped on two separate occasions, and he wasn't the only one. he's lucky he has excellent memory, damn near eidetic. otherwise, he's not so sure he nor any of the other victims would've seen any justice at all.

so there's a lot of give and take here. it's simple but complicated, and all very circumstancial. faith is a good person, but he's also incredibly flawed, willing to bear the shame so long as something is done about the people who victimize others. insodoing, the distance he's created between himself and the consequences of unpersoning someone else (regardless of context) deeply disturbs him. anyone could understand why a victim would kill their rapist, but taking someone's life, conceptually and in practice, is an entirely different matter, deserved or not. it isn't a righteous, triumphant feeling. it just makes him feel so sick, but something is better than nothing, and his morals are loose enough to accept what that means for him. vigilante justice, whatever form it takes, will always be faster than any sorcier or cop. he accepts everything about this even though it disgusts and even hurts him to. the logic is circularly punishing for him, so, for the most part, he simply ignores it. buries it a thousand miles under his cute, playful, freckly facade, makeup and shots of tequila (i lied, he drinks more than you think), and sex. expertly pretending everything is fine, getting up and going to work the next day as if nothing happened in the first place, he has never been touched by a violent man in his life or been spoiled in any way, no sir.

really helps that he gets to keep all of his earnings and maybe sometimes help others with just the right tidbits of information used at just the right times - and that he has very good friends in very high and low places.