#but she isnt connected thru that anymore

[angy-grrr]

daily reminder: Ochako had to make herself physically see the damage the villains and war created in order to forget the uneasy feeling she got when Himiko smiled sadly (+ all the things she thought when she saw her). She cant forget what she has done (because she doesnt like the destruction), but that doesnt mean she cant forgive her or that made her feel distance from her.

Izuku can't forgive what Shigaraki has done, and as far as we know, he doesn't need to remind himself of the pain; his empathy doesn't make him feel weird about reaching out to a villain, at least on its own.

Its not a copy paste of the same battle or story.

Himiko and Izuku make Ochako wonder about the concept of heroism and saving, the roles heroes and villains have, and they also have an impact on her behavior, ideals, and feelings for them and herself. Shigaraki's fate and the world around Izuku seems to make him wonder about his role as a savior, because he doesnt feel like he fulfilled it really, when it ended up with someone else dying. He finds in Ochako someone who would agree on ideals about saving others, and thats great on its own.

[oetscop]

okay so im making a new post abt this since its a little different from my last analysis post. but @petscopping brought up a very interesting point in the tags! that being "nobody is innocent" and he is so fucking right abt that

that was in regards to the objectification of care, and how paul also contributes to that. but like, even characters that aren't explicitly on screen are culpable. specifically belle.

i always get this impression that shes hiding something. she knows far more than she lets on, and i almost have to wonder if its in a way to protect paul? which is interesting since we know how in denial he is about Literally Everything, which is actively harming himself in some way.

she knows. a LOT about this game. like, paul is only recording gameplay to prove that hes "not lying" about the weird game he found. then later down the line after paul gets to the other side of the quitters room and tells her tiara is gone and her reply is "of course." the way paul replies to that too is telling since hes confused as to why she knows somethings up. even earlier than that paul mentions how he was shocked to find "his room" but isnt anymore since it makes sense that the game would be connected to him through belle. not to mention she knows an older version of the game that had the passageway to the caskets. she had played it as recently as 2004. why lie at first?

a little tangential, but i really gotta wonder about her connection to rainer. obviously they were close enough for him to be doing...whatever the fuck happens during a rebirthing event. or whatever he thinks is supposed to happen, i should say. shes heavily connected to tiara in some way, and has a stupid amount of play time on the damn game. if you ascribe to the theory that tiara and in game marvin are based entirely off in game behaviors of real people playing the game, its no wonder tiara seems to be almost...sentient? all marvin does is run around and say shit and like be weird and the game was literally made for him. tiara like. can edit texture maps, and use that to also speak directly to paul thru tool. and because of that, she can speak more directly, and isnt hindered by the p2 to talk mechanic like marvin is.

point is, belle has logged a crazy amount of time into the game. sure you could probably say the hours played is inaccurate, maybe she just had the game left open on a console for what. 17 years was it? even rainer admits its dubious. but imo, it feels more...symbolic? like sure maybe she wasnt playing it for that long. but she had some kind of passive connection to the game in that time. she is/was in contact with rainer. she HAD to be. (this also might imply the game was still being worked on after 2000. but thats a whole nother can of worms)

i cant think of any other motive for her lying about that other than to protect paul in some way. which, in a way, ties back to cares objectification. paul is absolutely denying any humanity to his child self. its ingrained in the very code of the game.

and in some way, belle is also participating. maybe im reading too far into that, but with how much the series is able to tell us abt characters who dont even fucking talk is really impressive so its not completely unrealistic.

[karenchasity]

KAI FACT 17:

NIGHTMARE KAIME EPISODE TWO IS OUUTTTTTTT :D

eeeeek okokokok waylon squatter GO!

- GGRGRGGRGR LAUSKTI !!!!!!

- its !!!! steph its not structurally sound !!!

- "happier memories" bbg i doubt that entirely. also you sound like youre asking yo fuck him where you killed a guy

- HE HAS VERY LOW BLOOD SUGAR STEPH PLEASE

- EEMMMAMAAAAAAAAA

- NOOOOOOO BABY GIRL 😭😭😭😭

- "shes not dead. im not letting that happen" OWUCH

- LMAOOOOOO I CAN PICTURE YOUR FACE AS YOU WROTE THAT SEX JOKE 😭😭

- GRACE MY GIRL !!!!!

- grace. my girl. please

- kai is the squatter that grace is taljing about isnt ahe? am i crazy? 5-9? she look like shes a kid bc shes so short? right ???

- [NOTE: TWS stands for THE WAYLON SQUATTER] LMAOOOOO NOT TRIGEGR WARNINGS??? 😔😔

- i assume this takes place after abstinence camp??? "she said she was asexual" ??

- "i didnt mean to" 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

- "she pulled one out on us when i met her"? what ??? hello???

- okokokok so "blinky = always watching" is to watcher world, "cats rule, dogs drool" is hm, "whats a webby?" web of lies i assume?, "home isnt safe anymore" ???? maybe f&a? but also could go to literally any other episode??? i could talk about that one for at least 500 words, "5 star review" miss ingenue? but maybe also revised reprise?, "remember your name. remember your family. youre still you" could go to this one alone BUT i could probably tie this to space drifter (from what ive been guessing abt it) as well as probably most other episodes?? ok im done now (for now)

- "let me help you" steph <333333

- "that stupid blue shit" lmaooo

- oh ym god????? wow ok just. shoot her sure yeah

- blue green and red being the most common colors????? dont you use red and green or lautski?? or is steph also green. anyway pokey/wiggly/nibbly vibes

- oh :((( the monologue is so much sadder in context :((((

- hm. i wonder if she has any sort of recognition towards pete? like, is she face blind to him? does she remember him at all? or is there nothing there for her

- awwwwhhhhh ted and kai :(((((

- AAAWWWWWHHHHH THEY KNOW EACH OTHERS NAMEEESSSSSSS

- ok wait so. ted is supposed to be Fucked Up after tb, so do they go thru it together? are tb and sd connected? do tjey happen together? close together? does kai affect tb? does ted affect sd!???? wow

[ssa-steverogers]

TFAWTS FINALE SPOILERS BELOW

AHHHHGGHGGGGGGHHHHHHHHOMFGAHGGHGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHGGHHHHHHHHHHHOMFGOMGFGGAGAGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAHHHHHHOMCOMGOMGOMAGAGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHOMFOMGOMGOMFN I CANT VELEIVE IT THAT WAS SO BEAUTIFUL WHAT THE FUCK I CANT BELIEVE IT I WONT BE ABLE TO EXPERIENCE THAT FOR THE FIRST TIME AGAIN

OKAY HOLD YOUR HORSES EVERYONE LET ME JUST- SHARON. FUCKING SHARON I KNEW IT. AGATHA SHARON ALL ALONG. GUYS SAME TYPE BEAT ALRIGHT. I WAS ALSO LIKE OMFG ISNT THAT KIND OF OUT OF CHARCTER KNOWING HER ROLD IN CA:TWS BUT I MEAN SHIELD IS GONE THE WORLD IS DIFFERENT NOW AND SHES OBVIOUSLY BEEN THRU A BUNCH AND OMFGGGG I KNEW IT. BUT OH GOD IM ALSO IN SHOCKKKK THE CARTER FAMILY NAME 😭😭😭 NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO PEGGY GORL WHAT HAS SHARON DONE TO YOUR LEGACY BABY

ALSO BUCKY 😭😭😭😭 WHAT THE FRICK. HIS FACE WHEN HE WAS TALKING TO YURI OMFG OMFG “i didn’t have a choice” AND OMFF HIS WORDING WAS ACTUALLY SO IMPORTANT HERE. HE’S SAD AND DOESNT KNOW WHAT TO SAY WHICH IS WHY HIS WORDS SOUND ‘IRREGULAR’ FROM REGULAR VOCABULARY AND THANK MOTHERFUCKIN JESUS MARVEL MADE SURE TO APLIFY THAT SCENE BUT OMFG I WISH WE GOT MORE OF BUCKY IN THAT PART WITH HIS REAL EMOTIONS BECAUSE THIS IS OBVIOUSLY HIS TRANSITION TO LETTING GO OF WHAT THE WINTER SOLDIER ORIGINAL STOOD FOR AND MOVING ONTO A NEW IDENTITY AND FINDING HIMSELF SO I JUST WISH THERE WAS MORE OF THE SIDE OF THE PAIN HE REALLY HAD TO FACE BUT WE DID GET A GOOD HANDFUL. BUT HES OBVIOUSLY FOUND A HOME WITH SAM NOW 🥺 HES LETTING THE KIDS PLAY WITH HIS ARM WHICH MEANS HES NOT AFRAID OF HURTING ANYONE ANYMORE BECAUSE OF THE WINTER SOLDIER 🥺🥺🥺 SOLID FUCKING CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT. AND WHEN THE SENATOR THANKS BUCKY FOR SAVING THEM HES JUST IN SHOCK FOR A LITTLE BIT BECAUSE HES NOT USED TO PEOPLE THANKING HIM FOR DOING WHAT HE DOES AND MY HEART JUST DIED FOR S MOMENT SENATE CAN STILL KISS MY ASS THO AND OMFG WHEN HE WALKS THRU THE METAL DETECTOR 😭😭😭 SEBBYS INTERVIEW FLASHBACKS AHHHHHHH. ALSO GUYS OMFG WHEN HES ON THE MOTORCYCLE WHY HE SO HOTTTTTT LIKE FOR WHATTTTT WHO LET YOU DO THISSSS SEXY MOTHER TRUCKER AND I JUST KNOW THAT BUCKY IS SO FUCKING PROUD OF SAM BEING CAP. ITS ALL HE’S KIND OF WANTED ALL ALONF 🥺🥺🥺

THE FALCON CAPTAIN AMERICA AHHHHHHHHHHHHHAHHHHHHHHHHHH OMFG I AM SHOOK. DID I SEE THAT COMING? YES. WAS I PREPARED? NO. OH GOD. I WONT RECOVER. HIS SPEECH???? OH GOD. IT DID FEEL LIKE A TINY BIT FORCED BUT I LOVED HOW THEY CHOSE TO ADRESS THAT WHILE ALSO SPEAKING ON RACE AND REALLY CONNECTING IT TO RECENT EVENTS IRL. HE WAS SO SPOT ON IT WAS SO POWERFUL. HE MENTIONS HOW THE GOVERNMENT WERE CALLING PEOPLE ‘THUGS’ AND ‘TERRORISTS’ WHEN REALLY THEY WERE FIGHTING FOR THEIR PLACE/LIVES BECAUSE THEY BELIEVED THERE WAS NO OTHER WAY AND HOW WHEN YOU CALL SOMEONE A LABEL, THEY WILL BECOME THE LABEL. I WAS LITERALLY BAWLING WHEN I SAW SAM IN HIS CAP SUIT. AND OMFG WHEN BUCKY CALLS HIM CAP??????????1!1?1??1?1? I AM DEAD. DECEASED. AND THE SCENE WITH ISAIAH?????? OH GOD I WAS CRYING. SCREAMING. OMFG AND WHEN SAM IS FIGHTING BATROC AND HE SAYS ON VA VOIR!1!1!1!!1?1!1!!1!1! I WAS CRYING. CA:TWS FLASHBACK WERE SO VIVID BABY IM DEAD. AND WHEN HE FIRMLY STATES ‘I’M CAPTAIN AMERICA’ OH GOD HOW MUCH OF A RELIEF THAT FELT TO ME???? OH GODDDDD

BUT I HAVE SO MANY QUESTIONS I CANT WAIT. ARE THEY GOING TO HAVE A SEASON 2????? WHILE THERE BE A MOVIE????? WHO IS VAL REALLY???? WHAT WILL US AGENT DO???? HOW WILL SHARON PLAY INTO THE FUTURE OF THE MCU????? WHAT HAPPENED TO ZEMO???????? ANYWAYS OMG ZEMO ALSO LIKE IF AYO AND THE DORA MILAJE TOOK ZEMO AWAY WHY DID HE END UP AT THE RAFT???? I FIGURED WAKANDA WOULDVE KEPT HIM BUT I GUESS NOT!!1!1!1!1!

OMG THE RAGE IN KARLI IN THIS LAST EPISODE OMFG I AM DEAD. I CALLED IT. I MENTIONED IT BEFORE AND I’LL SAY IT AGAIN SHES YOUNG AND WAS BOUND TO BECOME RECKLESS. WHEN SHES FIGHTING SAM AND HES NOT FIGHTING BACK SHE KEEPS ON URGING HIM TO DO SO. BUT SAM ISNT LIKE THAT. HE UNDERSTAND KARLI BUT KARLI THINKS HES TRYNA MANIPULATE HER (ALMOST LIKE A PARENT/CHILD RELATIONSHIP BUT NOT REALLY BUT ALSO KIND OF?????). I HAD ALSO MENTIONED BEFORE THE QUESTION OF WHEN SAM WILL REALIZE THAT ZEMO WAS ‘RIGHT’ ABOUT KARLI BUT IT NEVER HAPPENED. UNTIL THE VERY END, SAM BELIEVED THAT THERE WAS A WAY OUT FOR KARLI WHICH IS WHY I BELIEVE THAT SAM IS MORE THAN A TRILLION PERCENT PERFECT TO BE CAPTAIN AMERICA. BECAUSE, LIKE HE SAYS, HES NOT BLONDE HAIR BLUE EYES; HE JUST BELIEVES THAT WE CAN DO BETTER 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 MILLIONS OF PEOPLE PROBABLY HATE HIM AND EVEN ISAIAH DOUBTED HIM BUT HIS MORALS STABD STRONG AND IF THERE’S ONE THING THAT IS TRUE ABOUT SAM IS THAT HE STANDS FOR WHAT HE BELIEVES IN, JUST LIKE CAPTAIN AMERICA SHOULD. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!1!1!1?1!1!!1!

I JUST HAVE SO MANY THINFS I HAVE TO RANT ABOUT BUT I’M LITERALLY SO EXHAUSTED FROM THE ADRENALINE RUSH I THINK I’M GOING TO PASS OUT GUYS SO GOOD NIGHT BUT OHHHHH OMFG AND THE MUSIC AND THE END 😭😭😭 SO BEAUTIFUL AND WALKER WITH THE FAKE SHIELD REALLY GOT ME HE REALLY JUST NEEDED AN OBJECT TO GET BEHIND BUT FOR SAM: SHIELD OR NO SHIELD HE WAS A GOOD PERSON EITHER WAY AND A PERFECT CAP 😩😭😭 GOODNIGHT GUYS. AHHHHHHHHHHHSNWKSKSPDKOSNSJWJNDIDINFSOSJDNIDJSSJSIAIDNODOSJSOWUWJEKDOJDSHHEKFOEJFXKILOVEBUCKYGUYSKEOSJSINDMXOXIDJFOXISNFNOCOEIFSAMISMYCAPNSKZJOSJDKCODIMISSZEMONSKSJSKDKOSKDWHAT

[rllymilerlly]

If they are giving their kids a semi normal childhood (Way more normal than theirs) does this mean they’ll send them to school. Because oh my god what an entertaining thought. Especially bc besides a few days for Aang, they didn’t do school and don’t quite get everything

And god this is completely derailing now but like a part of me believes if their kids go through school. They wouldn’t want anyone to know ‘Hey this is the Avatar and Bei Fong kid’ so they kept it badly hidden. What I’m saying is they def has a ‘wang and saphfire fire’ moment. That didn’t hold up for a long time and everyone practically knew. (Or maybe better yet they truly had no idea until one day Aang roles up Tattoos and all one day on accident). I just find Toph and Aang trying to navigate the school system entertaining.

Also @ ur Tags: Zukki is one of my favs ships now and def my favorite Zuko ship atm. And yes Katara is trying her best right now bless her soul. I’m Glad u like the twist! You got why I wanted to do something like this. I wanted their past to catch up to them bc they def did more than be overprotective towards Toph. This will also further cement for Aang and Toph how they absolutely will not be as parents.

HCs: Taang

Height Difference. This is very important to me, for some reason. Toph’s a little shorter than Aang when they meet, then they kinda even out at 14 – and for a while, it actually looks like she’s gonna surpass him, but then he has a massive growth spurt, and just … doesn’t fucking stop growing again. So, Aang tol, Toph smol. 

PDA. Aang is a touchy-feely person. He likes to hug and cuddle and kiss and hold hands, and be hugged, cuddled and kissed. Toph likes all these things, too. In fact, she loves them. Just … not particularly in front of other people. Holding hands, fine, a kiss on the cheek, too, but everything else is reseved for home. 

Travels. That’s honestly basically it. They travel, a lot, not only because I’d imagine it makes Aang’s job as the Avatar easier, but also because they both are very free spirits, and the world is big, and there’s much to see and explore. 

The Best. I truly believe Aang and Toph are able to bring out the best in eachother; they are able to give eachother what they need, if not necessarily always what they want. Toph helps him to stand his ground, to square up and not back down. Aang help her see that that isn’t always the best way to go about things. He gives her freedom, she gives him stability, things they desperately crave/need when we meet them. 

Chores. Aang is much more likely to do most of them; he has more fun cooking, he doesn’t like it if things get too messy, and letting Toph do the washing is not a good idea. Toph helps out when he asks or when she can see that he doesn’t have the mind to do it at the moment. 

Diet. Expanding on Aang doing the cooking, I also imagine Toph being mostly vegeterian when they’re together. Not out of conviction, though. If they’re with friends/family she will happily eat meat. But I don’t see her going out of her way to cook it herself when Aang’s preparing dinner anyway, and he definitely won’t serve her steak. 

Children. They’d both be pretty hands-on parents, I think. By no means perfect, but doing as best as they could. I can see Toph being a little too lenient, not making that many rules initially (’cuz she had too many), but Aang’s there to somewhat balance that out. (I can’t imagine the Air Temples just being complete chaos; they must’ve had structure and rules, and it didn’t hurt him. There is such a thing as too few rules.) They make a good team. And good parents.

[kimnjss]

wait pause 😔🤚🏻

jungkook (ignoring the multiple girls) is actually sweet.. obviously bc its arya, but he really do be looking out for his own friends.. him going out his way to do what he feels is best for his friends, even though he knows he shouldnt insert himself into every problem the couple has (i kno he always does it bc he likes to push their buttons sometimes cause hes a lil shit but he knows when to draw the line) he may be a fuckboi but he just really wants his friends to be happy 🥺 when he thinks he doesnt deserve the same for himself 😔

jungkook saying “doesnt want to go thru the shit arya n joon go thru” when arya asked him when he was gonna have a serious relationship kinda felt like a half truth.. idk he might be like kinda hot!hoseok in this case.. living in the moment type of thing and is in no rush to be in a serious relationship and if it happens, it happens. however rn his feelings are directed towards a girl who is his friend and is already taken by his other friend, so he’s creating as much distance as possible. and the it-was-actually-one-drunk-person-and-the-other-sober-drunken kiss didnt help his situation..

idk why but i feel like jk, joon and hoseok are similar when it comes to their feelings/emotions.. dont get me wrong, they are very affectionate, physically and vocally.. but all three live inside their heads for too long..

jungkook isnt being honest with himself, when he does realise something about himself and his feelings, he dismisses it and blocks it off, and distracts himself until he forgets about it and then it comes back, rinse and repeat.. namjoon isnt communicating with arya properly (neither is she but im like comparing the boys rn LOL) and when he does start showing emotion, its really passive-aggressive (??), its almost like he’s saying something but he isnt saying anything at the same time?? did that make any sense 🤡 idk sometimes its like he expects arya to read his mind and vice versa.. (ALSO not them going back to making out as if nothing happened.. they better have talked 😀👊🏻) but they do love each other, its the communication thats 🥴

and hoseok, if that last part was anything to go by 😬, but whatever he is thinking about to create boundaries to address the co-dependency from his side (dialling it down maybe??), he better be careful bc yn isnt stupid and she picked up on mood change quickly, he’s gotta communicate with her or else it aint gonna be easy in the long run.. yn isnt a mind reader and if he wants things to go smoothly like the past few months have been, he has to speak up and make yn understand how he feels from his pov.. he really be thinking about his feelings about yn and pleasuring yn at the same time.. king of multi-tasking??

(have i connected any dots yet 😳 i swear im getting rusty AJDBAJEBSKAJ)

okay also its either i read thru this chapter quickly or my eyes are playing tricks but i swear this is one of the quicker party fucks LMAOO 😳 although it makes sense cause there’s still a party going on downstairs LMAO but not like its stopped others before 💀 but also hoseok was kinda getting overwhelmed with his feelings/thinking there so..

whew its been a while since ive written something this long 🧍🏻‍♀️idek what ive said anymore -🤼‍♀️

PHEW THIS WAS SO LONG I’M JUMPING !!

okay !! first ., jeongguk has a lot going on the inside ., but when it gets down to it - he’s a really great guy . like his bedroom habits aside . he’s always honest nd clear abt what he’s looking for . he plays around ., but not in the ‘ruin my life’ type of way . his friends always come first to him . there aren’t any times where he has left them hanging nd them being happy correlates to him being happy . same when it comes to arya . his feelings for her are strong nd once he noticed that ., he set boundaries for himself bc of joon . he never crosses them . the only thing he wants for her is to be happy . 

it’s a mixture of both really . he’s not miserable . he enjoys having a line of girls nd meeting new people nd doing his thing . he’s young nd thats how he has his fun . buut if the right girl were to come around - he would not be against settling down nd being in a serious relationship with her . buut the right girl for him right now is already the right girl for someone else - who happens to be his best friend ., so there’s really nothing else he can do . so he buckles down into his hoe life . 

yesss! you got it exactlyyy . they are the exact same when it comes to how they handle their emotions nd all the stuff relating . lmao they’re best friends for a reason . 

the main thing that jeongguk keeps to himself is his true feelings . like on the surface he’s this cool guy that doesn’t care nd has girls knocking down his door nd he’s just out there enjoying himself - not getting attached . nd he’s so into that lifestyle nd focused on making sure that’s who he is perceived as that he ignores everything else that doesn’t fit . not to say he’s not himself ,. jeongguk is himself all the time - his feelings just tend to take a backseat (especially the ones he has for arya bc of how much damage it could do) . // joon definitely wants arya to know what bothers him without properly communicating anything . that comes from the fact that they’ve been together for ten months so he expects her to just know what will make him mad . nd when she doesn’t get it he gets pissy . (they both do that btw) but what they don’t realize that they’ll never go anywhere if they don’t just talk things out . (no they did not have a conversation before making up they just missed each other too much)

his biggest issue is that he’s in his head too much . he’s freaking while realizing that he’s falling in love with her nd that he doesn’t really like being away from her (he’s also extremely dramatic ., it’s not as co-dependent as he thinks) but bc in he’s confused himself when it comes to his feelings for her - he’s more inclined to just shut down nd figure things out on his own . buut that’s not going to fly when it comes to yn ., she’s not the type to take the no communication nd wait around for him to get his life together . even if he doesn’t know what he’s trying to figure out - she’d want that to be told to her so she doesn’t overthink . 

- their smut scene was a little quickie upstairs since they were in yoongi’s room nd the party was going on downstairs still . but hoseok was so deep in his thoughts that it made it seem faster ., he was so overwhelmed with his feelings that being wth yn was like at the back of his mind... (he still did a great job tho so props lmao)

[renytherat]

Going thru a divorce (not mine obviously) when i was in my prime teens while my brain was going thru major developments in the middle of my already deepest depression really hurt. It spiraled me and a lot of suppressed memories came back up. Lots of stuff i cant even decide if it really was true or not bc of how much i dont remember. I blame it on an childhood event when i was pushed off a slide and blacked out but i know its not the real reason.

I grew up in a protected house with protective parents and a protective religion. I was scared of the world. I was scared of myself. I still am.

All i knew was my family. All i knew was that even tho we fought and we yelled at each other and bickered and even bit each other (that was mostly me haha) we still loved each other. Bc that was what i was taught. Love each other bc its the greatest thing you can do.

And when my family fell apart, when my parents divorced, when my older siblings left for college, when my little sister left for boarding school at 12 yrs old. I know that i was left alone to fight this world by myself. Even if i still had my family, they were so spread thin it didnt feel like it.

We werent a picture perfect family with a picket fence and 2.5 kids and a dog. We were broken. So damn broken. So much changed in 7 yrs and it will never go back to the way it was. Ill never get my childhood back. Ill never get that true happiness that was the only thing i knew.

But thats the past. Right now hurts just the same. My older siblings are out of college starting their lives as true adults. My parents are still divorced. My little sister is away usually at my moms bc of her own childhood trauma with a religious rule abiding father and memories of 4 yrs at a boarding school.

All i have is my father. My father that i have to mask in front of everyday bc of my sexuality and gender identity. But hes the most important person in my life and im so dependant on him. My father is caring and honest and hes hurting too. His family is broken too and hes had so many more yrs on this planet than i have.

My least favorite sound of all the sounds ive ever heard is his voice when hes pleading my screaming mother to try. Try for his family. Try to love him. Try to understand. Just try. When his voice cracks and you can hear the tears in his eyes and the desperation in his voice. You can hear his heart break on the side of the highway exit still 4hours from home as he asks my mother to come back to the car. The children are tired they just want to go home.

I listen to his heartbeat when we cuddle in our lonely home that isnt a home anymore. No memories connected to this space. No laughter from the other room. No footsteps. Its just us in this tiny condo. Its my favorite sound. Bc it beats for his family.

It beats for his ex wife who hates him and will never admit that she regrets leaving him to his face. It beats for his oldest daughter who walked away from the god he trusts. It beats for his fragile and quiet son. It beats for his lost and depressed child. It beats for his disoriented and broken baby. It beats for his family.

And i will never be able to live on if it stops.

Hes the only one i have.

[jakeperalta]

I really like your post about those lyrics. Recently her reflecting on the bad times has been very relatable to me and it makes her seem more real and honest.When you go thru something like that, from one of my experiences..it never really goes away and a lot of the time you can still remember how it felt even if you dont feel like that anymore. It amazes me that some people just see it as her whining or whatever when it's a normal thing to go thru. Also though..in one of your quizzes..you said that Cardigan isnt a romantic song..but more of a breakup or something like that and I cant believe people can have completely different views of a song. I don't totally connect it to the love triangle so maybe that's why but it's still a very romantic song to me. Before we even heard the song and got some lyrics..once in Twenty lifetimes and the Cardigan lyric..I always connected it to how Taylor probably felt when she disappeared. The Cardigan lyric itself is especially important to me as someone who has depression. The lyrics are about all of her memories..mostly good things and her regret about not knowing

Sorry I accidentally sent the last ask when i wasnt done so this is continuing and just reply to this one I guess. But it's about how she couldnt have known what was gonna happen but she believed in it anyway...that's why it says I knew you all those times. One reason I dont connect it with the love triangle is cuz the breakup is something that doesnt really seem chosen by her but other circumstances. So either they have to break up cuz the guy is leaving for college or maybe the person unexpectedly died or possibly committed suicide..this is where the bridge comes in..haunt all my what ifs..chasing shadows..she screams I knew everything when I was young cuz she thought she knew everything but she didnt or couldnt..she or he made the wrong choices that led to their fate. Its about more of a loss than a breakup in my opinion but it could just be how I relate to it.Okay so I have recently read a book called If He Had Been With Me that fits really well with a lot of songs from Folklore so maybe that's why. Basically it's about this boy and girl who grew up together and were always supposed to be together and their story..it tells you in the first paragraph that he dies so it's not really a spoiler. Actually when I first heard Coney Island I connected it to this book too. I have a link to this book if you are interested but I hate recommending books in case the person doesnt like it lol. But anyway, Cardigan is an important song to me and it can have many meanings so I hate that someone called it just a breakup song..nothing about it seems that way to me..I actually feel the same way about August.so that's probably why I dislike Betty so much..it has no other meaning, but Cardigan is probably in my top 10 Taylor songs and is the best of the three in my opinion. Sorry for this rant..idek if that was your quiz cuz I took a few different ones but it's always weird to me that people can see it so differently.

oh yeah i saw that quiz question about cardigan! i think of it as sort of both a romantic song and a breakup song because there’s some really sad parts about heartbreak like “i knew you, leaving like a father” and “i knew you’d haunt all of my what-ifs” but it’s also very romantic in a lot of ways, like “your heartbeat on the high line, once in twenty lifetimes” is so 🥺 i also totally connected the main cardigan line with 2016 and feeling unwanted/damaged. i can really see where you’re coming from with it being more of a loss than a breakup, there is definitely a sense of it being out of her control and it sort of feels like it goes deeper i guess. i think one of the things that makes it such a great song is how it has so many layers to it and you can sort of take from it what you need/want! the same goes with august to an extent in that it’s also a bit more focused on a feeling than an event so it can have like a lot of meanings/interpretations. whilst i do love betty, i get where you’re coming from because that does 100% feel like it was written for the love triangle as opposed to sort of exploring the ideas of love/loss/memory etc that you get in cardigan and august.

also just looked up that book on goodreads and it looks so good! i’ve added it to my tbr list! 

[satyrcon]

whenever i complain to my employed friends about how useless and purposelessness since ive been unemployed or when i mention how hard its been to even secure an interview they instantly go on tangents about how great it must be to unemployed and how much stuff i could get done in my free time and then they go on about how much i should take advantage of this time etc. and they are absolutely right but on the other hand i feel like theyre completely ignoring what im saying? i know that once i get a job i wont have as much free time and ill be stressed etc. and yeah, if i didn’t have to i absolutely wouldnt work but heres the thing......i need to? i need to work so i can earn money, i need to work so i can feel i have some purpose, i need a routine, and once again...i need money? 

i had a really aggravating experience when i was talking to my friend about it last week. she didn’t go to uni, but she landed a pretty good job at a big company thru family connections. i was telling her about how i’ve been applying for entry level jobs  since the summer, with no luck. i wasn’t saying this to see if she could get me in or anything, i was just using it as an example of how applying online is literally a lottery game in terms of having your application actually seen because for all the jobs ive been applying to, i have met almost every qualification (theyre all entry level). and her response? she tells me i should look for retail/food service jobs instead. and sure, i could do that, its what ive been doing for the past six years while i was in high school and uni. but the point is, i don’t want to be in retail or food service anymore. i want to work at a place where my degree can actually be utilized. i want to work at a place where im not dancing for my dinner or scraping by on minimum wage. i want to work at a place that isnt a dead end. i literally got laid off from my mall job in the summer and they havent asked for me to come back. im sick of shift work and im sick of working at a place that offers me absolutely nothing. what was the point of getting a degree? why cant i just get a job?

[ghostspoke]

{ mark lee / bigender / he/she } – ❖ where y'at? isn’t that ( JUN-SEO “CLAY” PARK ) o'va there ? i think they’ve been in town for ( 3 MONTHS ) and come from ( MIAMI BEACH FLORIDA), but who knows. i reckon they’re about ( TWENTY-ONE ) year old. did'ya here, i think they work as a/an ( YOUTUBER ) and live in ( HOTEL VILLA CONVENTO ). according to the talk of the town, they’re described as being ( + EASY-GOING ) but also ( - DUMBASS ). either way, tell'em there’s a party down on bourbon and they’re invited.

u all know the drill    :    its ur local cryptid eli at it with my literal dumbass. under the cut is gonna be a bulletpoint bio cause idk what the fuck a full sentence is <2   ,    personality   ,   &.    wcs. 

trigger warning for     drug abuse    ,    parental abuse   ,   possession    ,    internalized homophobia    ,    overdose   ,   &.   mentions of needles   &.   vomit

bio.

MARCH 18TH   ,    1999    :    jun   -    seo    “    clay   “   park was born to min-ji   &.    u-jin park in their high rise penthouse apartment at 3:28am. for mintues   ,    the newborn child was wide eyed   &.   quiet          staring at things that did not appear to be real. the midwife was ushered out of the room as the babies cries fill the room. his birth is publicized   &.   photos of his newborn form are splattered across gossip magazines. 

AGE 3     :      whispers in the night fill the baby moniter   ,    cooing from a child to the corners in the room. stacking blocks with friends that friends   ,   staff   ,   nor his family see. there are stares    &.    points from guests at events. 

AGE 5     :       when kids are getting ready for school or to go play soccer in the afternoon     ,    jun    -   seo is in front of the camera. headlining in any psychic show that will take him. the whispers are louder. he doesnt know how to keep them out. he forgets most of the year   ,   only to be awoken by burning water on his skin. 

AGE 13   :      there is a pretty boy in his class. dennis. his so smart   &.    helps clay with his homework. the excitement to see dennis is disgusting. it makes his stomach turn  &.   he falls back to the friends in the corners        talking to ghosts instead of people. these feelings will fade. 

AGE 15   :     he goes by a new name now    ,    clay seems to fit him more. fame has its perks    ,    drowning in followers because of who his parents are. hes barely passing school    ,    C’s gonna get those degrees. June 9th, 2014 is when clay has his first heroin needle.  in the tucked corner of a LA house party with a girl he cannot remember    ,    but they are best friends on instagram. for once   ,   the world is silent 

AGE 16   :    1,750 a week on needles    ,    he barely shows up to class anymore. hes sure the only reason why he is passing is cause his parents are doing something. they dont care as long as his face is on the morning copy of a gossip magazine   &.    he smiles for the cameras. he looks hollow in the mirror   ,    but the ghosts dont talk anymore. he has a girlfriend. he loves her. he thinks. he tells himself that in the mirror before going out to see her.  in November he will drunkenly try on her skirt    ,    something feels right. 

AGE 20    :    his brother comes home   &.   things get hard. his brother worries when he doesn’t go to school. clay knows that he’s fine. mom    &.    dad will make sure that everything goes fine.  on the cold tile with the rubber around his arm   ,   it goes wrong. he goes too deep into the silent   &.   is thrown against heavens door with vomit on his lips   &.   it hurts. he is cold   &.   it hurts. the voices are loud. they are so loud.

AGE 21    :    thrown against heaven’s door with the force of the overdose   ,   clay is ushered out of the public light. he drops out of uni   &.   all shows are canceled. the youtube channel he had started to explore the voices in the corners of the room  &.  vlogging his experiences trying to go to a grocery store for the first time is the only connection to his fame that is left untouched. he’s supposed to be healing    ,    going away from all ties to find herself   &.   get a better grip on the world. its all for PR   ,    knowing that her parents are waiting for the next issue of the gossip mag catching him buying on the street corner. the warm air that flutters through the open hotel window is ripe with choice   :   can he finally get clean ? 

personality. 

 might actually be stupid, there isnt anything going on in her head 

impulse control who ? he does shit and then goes :o when things go wrong 

petty ? really petty honestly 

she's,,,, rlly angry at the world bc of u know no drugs on top of being an angry young adult so like ,,,, she's  so moody it’s gross 

very excitable ! honestly just a walking exclamation point  

slow to pick up on things, like you have to explain shit 5 times to him 

once they put her mind to something, its getting done but its getting done her way

wcs. 

a mom/dad friend who’s always checking up on them & making sure they’re doing okay

exes that ended on bad terms

ride or die - they’re always raising hell with

his dealer

someone who pls for the love of god teach her “healthy coping skillz “

frenemies

best friend(s)

fake dating

someone who knows her from her past

he doesnt know how to take care of himself like he pours the whole thing of detergent into the washer help him 

someone who sees thru their shit

someone who believes in ghosts &. listens to their shit

ghosts arent real ur lying for the clout 

someone to feature on his youtube channel / someone for him to collab with 

a bad influence

someone who’s rlly protective over him or someone he’s Super protective over

unrequited crush/love interest

mutual crushes

sworn enemies

fuck it some hcs. 

hes allergic to penicillin

had a very bad attempt at a music career at age of 13

even though he cannot drive he has 3 cars 

cooks frozen chicken in the microwave cause thats how he cooks chicken nuggets 

hes conversationally fluent in cubañol , other forms of Spanish confuse him 

attempted to cheat on history tests by talking to ghosts   ,   ended up getting possed   &.   failed 

thought the earth was flat for 6 months before realizing that the rest of his friends were joking 

wasnt vaccinated till 18

 panic bought mango juul pods when juul stopped selling them

actually has a punch card for exrocisms    ,    &.   is extremely familiar with the priest who does them on him 

uses holy water as a base for his blackout juice   ,    vodka   ,    holy water   ,    &.   water flavoring mixed in an empty milk jug. 

is specializing in sexual ethics   ,   focusing on the treatment of woman within pornography 

was a former contestent on the bachorlette   ,   only to be kicked off for hooking up with another contestant on the show

will buy jewelry off people at parties 

eats ramen raw, doesnt know how to cook it

[grantihare]

karkat

-----how i feel about this character

--hh i love him, this isnt even just me being a dave kinnie or anything, hes fr been one of my fave homestuck characters since i started reading it in 8th grade. i keep finding new ways to relate to him as i grow as a person, little me connected to the self-loathing and being certain all your friends hate you, to desperately trying to help broken people who need to first help themselves, in high school i was drawn to him over the stress of not loving people the Right Way™ and feeling like who you are is something to be hidden and ashamed of (karkat said trans rights), now im so attached to him being unapologetically loud about what he thinks and not taking anyones bullshit anymore and just living his goddamn life happy with the person he loves and ugh GOD i love karkat vantas so much

-----all the people i ship romantically with this character

--dave obv obv obv but also john jade and tz but only if theyre like? poly w davekat? daves the only person i ship w karkat in a monogamous way dndnfnf idk if thats weird but oh well

-----my non-romantic otp for this character

--kanaya!! they are Best Friends thanks nobodyll take that away from me ever skjdfm. i like him being best friends w jade and tz too!! also the sollux&aradia duo ofc. & for some reason i love when hes like genuinely friends w rose? not bc of her being kanayas girlfriend/wife but as an individual. its rare to see but i adore it

-----my unpopular opinion about this character

--idk if its an unpopular opinion but most stuff i see for him that has more depth than just "he & dave smooch" (which i love too but sometimes u want Pizzazz) either have him as a terrible rage monster or a crybaby and its like,, pls. pls he can be angry and cry a lot and have that not be his whole character. its okay. also stuff where hes a complete dick for no reason??? i hate that?? hes Loud and Kinda Rude not a Total Douchebag theres a Difference

-----one thing i wish would happen / had happened with this character in canon

--i rly wish we couldve seen his land quest tbh, i feel like itdve changed a lot of fandom perceptions of him to see him puzzling thru it and taking action to do whatever he had to do? also i wanna see it personally sckfnc but kinda on the same note id love to have seen him in collide fighting w other ppl present, ik tz could only use leitmotifs w ppl bc shes op or w/e but idve loved to see some blood player shenanigans tbh

[toms-order]

lovely

Bucky Barnes x female reader

Soulmate AU!

Moodboard by @beautiful-holland

Summary: Bucky thinks that his soulmate doesn't exist, but what happens when he finally finds her? What happens when loving him puts her in danger?

Warnings: slight mention of depression.

part two

******************************

Everyone had a soulmate. Everyone had that one person that stood by them. To find your soulmate, you had a code tattooed somewhere on your body. Only your soulmate had the same code as you.

But the code was just a clarification.It was just something to really let you know who you were meant to be with. The real way to know someone is your soulmate is the connection. The men feel the connection right away with a look, the woman don’t know until you touch one another. The connection is a beautiful thing. Nothing can interrupt it,break it or interfere with it. It was just pure love and happiness.

Bucky spent years looking for his soulmate. Even in the army he was hoping to come across his love, but he never did. He started to think she didn’t exist. He was hurt and confused. He saw everyone fall in love with their soulmates, why couldn’t he find his? When Bucky became the winter solider, he forgot the pain he felt, the loss he went thru every day. The winter solider didn’t need a soulmate. He didn’t think of his soulmate at all. 

But when Bucky got his memory back, he felt the pain again. Bucky thought for sure she was gone. If he couldn’t find her then, there was no way he would find her now. Buck felt the pain day by day, it was a never ending ache in his chest. He was angry that she never showed up, he was angry that he could never feel that pure connection that everyone talked about. 

***********************************

You knew something was off when you watched all your friends find their soulmates. They met theirs in high school, while you stood on the sidelines waiting for yours to show up. You started to doubt you had one your first year of college. Your friends were starting to plan their futures with theirs. It seemed as if everywhere you looked you saw the love that you lacked. 

You started to think maybe you didn’t have one. It was impossible though right? Everyone had a soulmate. You saw everyone around you fall in love, and each day was harder. You started to become depressed. You felt constant pain, everywhere. You felt numb. Every time someone brought up you not finding your soulmate the hole in your heart grew. 

You lost all hope when you graduated from college. Everyone around you had their soulmates. They were in love and you saw it everyday. You had given up looking. All your friends dropped you the second things started going bad for you. You went day by day feeling lost, feeling hopeless. Why didn’t you have one? Was it something you did?  You were lost.

You worked at the coffee house in your hometown. You had to pay off all your college loans. Working so hard took your mind off of your nonexistent soulmate. But the fact that everywhere you looked there were couples having lunch with their soulmates pissed you off. You could never fully stop the ache in your chest. 

Your day was spent taking peoples orders and serving soulmates who wouldn't stop touching each other. You understood though, touching your soulmate was supposed to be something magical. It was something you could never experience. You thought about getting the code tattooed on your neck removed. There was no use for it there anyways. It was just giving you false hope.

Covering the code tattooed on your body was unheard of. No one did it, they all had their soulmates to love, they all had the connection. You didn't want the judgement of not having a soulmate so you kept the code that haunted you. You already get pity stares from your parents, you didn’t need anymore. There were days where you pretended you did have a soulmate. People would smile at you and gushed over your polite manners. They’d say “Oh I bet your soulmate feels so lucky.” You would smile, then nod. It felt good to pretend sometimes. 

***************

It was another day at the coffee house. You watched people come and go some even finding their soulmates there. Your chest still ached and you winced every time you saw a couple. But something felt different, you didn’t know what it was but you felt almost better? You thought it was because its been so long and the universe finally decided to give you a break. Whatever it was you were fine with it, the aching had lowered down to about a five instead of a ten.

It was towards the end of the day.  Night grew and the coffee shop was almost empty. There were a few lingering people taking a cup of coffee to stay up for work. Other than that the place was quiet, the sound you could hear was in the back of the kitchen. You were behind the counter, cleaning up all the mess that people left behind.

You heard the bell ring from the door, indicating that another has arrived. You looked up expecting another buisness man, or woman but instead it was just a normal guy. He had a hat on, shielding his eyes. The jacket he was wearing, basically swallowed him. It was like he was hiding. He avoided the stares he received from the few people in the room and sat at a booth in the back.

"You can get that one." Your co-worker said. She was sitting on the counter top reading a magazine.

You rolled your eyes at her. She was the biggest bitch you ever met. You never understood why she was the one who got the soulmate. Of course you always smacked yourself for thinking that but you couldn't help but still wonder.

You grabbed your pen and notebook from the pocket of your apron. Walking over to him, you began to feel nervous. You could feel the goosebumps rising up your arm. Why were you so nervous? He was just a normal guy. When you got to his table, he still didn’t look up from his folded hands. He wore gloves on them. Why would someone need gloves in 75 degree weather? 

“What can i get you?” You tried to mask the nervousness in your voice. 

“Just a coffee.” His voice sounded rough, he sounded exhausted. His hat was covering his eyes. He still didn’t look up at you. 

“Any sugar with that or creamer?” You asked, you hands were shaking, making it impossible for you to write clearly. You had no idea why you were so nervous. 

“No.” He sounded annoyed this time. That was your cue to leave.

You walked back into the kitchen, your nerves still present. You took your time pouring his coffee. You walked slowly towards him, making sure not to drop his boiling hot coffee. You set it down in front of him. 

“If you need anything else just wave me over.” You kindly said. You were eager to leave

“Thank you.” Bucky took off a glove, taking the coffee in his hand. He looked up at you. You could finally see his eyes. You thought they were beautiful. Something flickered in his eyes before he turned away. 

You felt weird all of the sudden. The pain in your chest dialled down again. You were confused. You slowly left his table.

When you turned away bucky saw the code tattooed on the back of your neck. The same code he had memorized for years. The same code he had tattooed on his wrist. He was confused. Why now? Where was she years ago? Why did the universe wait this long for him to find her?

He felt anger well up. Where the fuck was she all those years? Why wasn't she there? Where was she when he had to sit there and go through constant pain everyday because he thought she didn't exist? Bucky hardened his grip on the coffee cup. He felt the cup break in his hand, the coffee pouring out of it onto the table. The break rang through the coffee shop, causing people to turn and look for the noise.

The sound of the cup breaking caught your attention. You rushed over with napkins to stop the coffee from falling to the floor. You quickly pressed the napkins against the table, trying to clean up the mess.

“I’m so sorry.” You apologized to him. You didn’t know why you were the one apologizing but you did anyways. 

“No uh it was my fault.” Bucky stepped out the booth giving you full access to clean up the rest of the mess. 

Bucky watched you with curious eyes. He was mesmerized by you. Bucky felt the pain in his chest wash away. He felt almost lighter. The weight was lifted off his shoulders. The weight he carried for years finally disappeared and he felt the relief. 

You picked up the pieces of the coffee cup and put it in the cloth that you stored away in your apron.  

“Here uh let me help you.” Bucky bent over and grabbed the cloth from your hands. 

When he touched your hand, you finally felt it. The connection that you have been missing for years. It hit you like a ton of bricks. Your breath caught in your throat. You stopped cleaning the mess and looked up. 

“It’s you.” You whispered. You felt a bunch of emotions rush thru you. Confusion, anger, sadness and there was complete utter happiness. 

You felt the tears well up. Where was he all this time?

Bucky suddenly felt insecure. Would she want him? His heart dropped to his stomach. He couldn't move. His feet were glued to the floor. His eyes found yours. He tried to read what you were thinking but before you could figure out, you ran.

You ran out of the coffee shop, into the darkness of the night. You collapsed onto the floor outside the shop. Your breathinh became uneasy. You felt the tears run down your cheeks.

Bucky ran after you. He haulted when he saw your crying body on the floor. He could feel his heart breaking for you. Was it cause of him? Was she disappointed? He slowly walked over making sure not to trigger her into running away again. He slowly dropped to the floor, sitting a couple feet away.

He didnt notice the customers from the coffee shop looking their way. They were confused. They kept looking over trying to see what was going on.

"Are you okay?" Buck asked you. He still distanced himself.

You sniffed. You tried holding back your tears but they just kept on going.

"Sorry, this isnt what i expected. " Your voice cracked.

Bucky was taken back. He thought for sure you were disappointed. He was hurt and angry. He didn't know what hurt the most not ever knowing your soulmate or your soulmate rejecting you. Rejection was unheard of. Rejecting your soulmate was never the option people took. So naturally Bucky thought he was probably the unluckiest man in the world.

"Wasn't what you expected? Sorry I'm such a fucking disappointment." He spat. He stood up from the ground angry. He was ready to walk away and never come back.

You quickly got up after him. "No that’s not what I meant." You panicked.

"Then what did you mean?" He demanded. His face got red, the veins in his forehead were clearly present.

"I just- I meant that." You let out a heavy breath. "I meant, that I didn't expect that I'd would ever meet you."

Bucky calmed down. He masked any emotion that would give away the pain he felt.

"Where the fuck were you?" He angrily asked. He couldn't stop himself from asking. He needed to know where the hell you've been.

You scoffed. "Where was I? Where the hell were you?" You exclaimed. "I've been looking for you for years and not one fucking sign." You felt the anger rise up.

"Oh trust me, you don't know how long I've waited for you to show up." He spat. His fists clenched by his side. His medal hand that was covered with the glove felt hard. He was sure that he could rip the glove into pieces with how hard he was clenching his fist.

"I thought you didn't exist. I watched everyone i know find their soulmate and that fucking hurt everyday. " You started ranting. "You know how hard it was just too stand by and fucking watch literally everyone be happy besides you? You know how lonely i fucking felt? So please tell me where the fuck were you?” You let out a huff.

He watched you. His eyes held fire. “You weren’t the only one who felt fucking lonely, trust me. I spent years trying to figure out why you never came so don’t pretend like you were the only one who felt that pain.” Bucky snapped. He felt a tear roll down his cheek.

You were taken back. You never thought about how he had felt. You immediately felt guilty. 

Your face softened. “I’m sorry.” You looked down at your feet. You didn’t wanna meet his gaze. 

Bucky un-clenched his fists. He felt his face soften. “I’m sorry too.” He whispered.

You guys stood there for a moment, taking in the relief. You both couldn’t help but still feel overjoyed. You finally found each other.  Bucky looked at your face. You were beautiful to him. Your eyes sparkled and your voice overjoyed him even when you were yelling at him, you looked irresistible.  

You felt the pain wash away. You felt the relief fill your body. You couldn’t help yourself anymore. You threw your arms around Bucky. He lifted you up with one arm, causing you to wrap your legs around his waist.You closed your eyes trying to capture this feeling forever. He breathed in your sent. You smelled heavenly to him. 

“I’m Y/N.” You whispered into his neck, sending shivers down his spine.

He smiled. He smiled for the first time in a long time. 

“I’m Bucky.” 

You smiled into his neck.

"Nice to meet you Bucky."

He wrapped both his arms around your waist. He held you tight, but not too tight to where he could crush you.

Bucky let the love from the connection he left wash over him. He finally felt free. He felt like he could do anything and nothing could stop him from feeling happy. Of course he knew that wasn't true. He knew he could never truly be happy with the ghosts of his past coming to haunt him.

But he stood there anyways. He let his walls down just for that moment. Just so he could feel the love of his soulmate before it all came crashing down.

Because it sure as hell was gonna crash down. It was just the beginning of a lovely story. 

***********************************

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This is only the beginning my loves 

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[ghoulstars]

i Sure Would Like to not have to be literally relieved/excited when my mom goes to bed every single night because otherwise i feel constantly tense and at risk of something happening to make my living situation unsafe, again, even if we’ve had a good/normal day

shes back on her fucking bullshit today and she usually confronts me on things that have made her Mad(tm) that ive “done” but today she hasnt said jack shit to me. all i can figure is: shes upset that i didnt get up and help her stain the wood for the porch we’re building where our old shitty side deck was shes upset bc i didnt wash all the dishes ?????????? who fucking knows

heres the kicker though folks: i didnt wash all the dishes because for some reason, since replacing our water heater, when the water from the sink starts getting cold it doesnt gradually get cold, it literally goes from like scalding hot (even thru gloves) to hardly lukewarm and i was only washing dishes for about 20? 30? minutes last night before the water temp fucking plummeted so i couldnt finish. bonus is that there were literally only like 5-7 things left to wash and it was literally just 3 styrofoam cups, one pot and like...2 or 3 forks/spoons. absolutely incredible and worth spitefully giving your daughter the cold shoulder over, am i right folks

and me helping stain was only even a fucking a possibility because she gave me an open ended offer to help her last night and i gave an open ended response. she asked me if i wanted to try to go to bed early enough and she would call me in the morning and just see if i wanted/felt up to come out and help, and i said i would be willing to try and id do my best. so when my manic ass had a manic moment and i slept for 3 hrs from 6 am to 8 and was dying and couldnt pass back out for any reason of course i texted her and told her i couldnt fucking help lmao. my fucked sleep schedule is a result of my Crazy Quirky Wacky Bipolar 2 anyway and like she refuses to help me or sympathize with me abt my mental health so ??? guess ill die?????

i didnt get back to sleep around fucking like 12/1 pm and i noticed that she stopped fucking replying to my texts literally right after i said i couldnt help and then every time she walked past my room, where i was Clearly Awake And On My Phone With My Door Open, she flat out ignored me. wouldnt even spare me a side glance.

and when i woke up at 5 pm today, no matter how late i wake up my mom always comes and wakes me up no matter what, today she walked by my room twice EVEN WHEN IT WAS THAT LATE AND I WAS STILL IN BED without saying jack fucking shit to me, and only came in on her third time walking back by to her sitting room and just blankly went ‘youre not laying here in the dark’, turned on my light, then swiftly left

then before that she’d texted me, after telling me for weeks to just use our limited data even if it runs over bc our wifi cant handle my phone being connected along with all our other devices anymore, that im going to have to use my laptop now bc she isnt paying another 200$ phone bill this month. here’s kicker number 2: after literally outright giving me her food plans for tonight and tomorrow yesterday she also texts me that she didnt cook. just a flat “I didn’t cook”. im so fucking depressed all the time that i physically and mentally cannot handle getting up to find and cook myself my own like ACTUAL MEALS and making food that requires actual cooking is often times out of the fucking question, and shes been not cooking for SEVERAL nights here recently, sometimes days in a row, and with my depression being wholly unacknowledged by her, once again, guess ill fucking perish??? unless i can miraculously find the energy to make chicken fingers or ramen noodles im going to be doing what ive fucking done almost every goddamn night this past month she hasnt cooked which is live off of snack foods and ensure lmao. KICKER NUMBER 3: she promised me that either tonight or tomorrow, bc she has a Big Foobaw Game, she wouldnt cook and would instead get me my alltime favorite chinese food from my alltime favorite chinese restaurant that she knows i love a lot, and regardless of what night her game was, she didnt cook tonight and i LITERALLY heard her say less than an hr ago that she’d be cooking tacos (which she intended to originally cook tonight) tomorrow. that being said, her specifically saying she ‘didnt cook’ today when she promised to get takeout in general at some point this week makes me think tonight was just supposed to be tacos (esp if what i think i can remember serves). and now she hasnt cooked anything at all! and tomorrow its gonna be tacos! :) fucking knowing how she is and how she works and functions with her abusive behavior towards me i would not be surprised and am also partially convinced that for whatever reason she’s all DooDoo Angery at me that shes doing this on fucking purpose to deprive me of the treat she promised out of spite/as some kind of passive aggressive ‘punishment’ HAHAHAHA ECKS DEE SO FUNNY XDDD

the only other time shes acknowledged my fucking worthless existence(tm) today was to pull one of her Iconic “im only saying this really ridiculous shit that ive never said before and we’ve never talked about before, ever, just to take digs at my daughter bc she Displeased Me” moments, where she walked by, almost totally ignored me again but stopped like. like she was gonna just keep walking but caught herself and she ended up like...halfway obscured by my doorway anyway and quickly said to me “i need you to sweep.” and then she went to the bathroom and i hear “and take your (cat) poop out too. litterboxes get done every night.”

we have two litterboxes. never in the history of ever has she said anything to me about they get done Every Night >:( and that has never been an established rule, nor have we ever even spoken about me doing that. i do them every few nights, usually on different days, bc there’s Two Litterboxes. and surprise surprise my depression impedes my ability to keep up with them without her having to tell me to clean them most of the time which pisses her off, except i literally did them 1-3 nights ago and theres no way that they both need cleaning again already and now shes suddenly on her shit like. they get done. every night. in that fucking vaguely militant voice she gets when she’s mad like that and is fucking with me on purpose

but fucking like even regardless of all this other shit, point blank, she is the one who has not expressed any of her annoyances with me today to make her act like this. how can i fucking communicate about the issue when she doesnt TELL ME WHAT HER ISSUE IS and instead opts to mentally and emotionally screw with me for her own satisfaction--and even then!!! she has no right to be this mad with me over not helping with the porch bc SHE left it OPEN ENDED and NONCOMMITTAL, SHE could have easily asked me why there were dishes left (though bc i have to do them so late at night/early in the morning bc im fucking depressed shed prolly just blame me FOR doing them at that time bc if i do them TOO LATE at night then the WATER TEMPERATURE GOES DOWN because its COLD AT NIGHT or something like that) but she didnt and now like everything else, fresh off my period, still manic, always rapid cycling, just got off the manic depression train slightly after being on it for two days and then before that it was Severely Uncomfortable Euphoria, feeling just so fucking wrong in my own skin and feeling too many emotions that are too strong that i dont want, so on and so forth, im the one whos suffering because of her unresolved neuroses and narcissism

and like....to be honest, real shit? with how fucking unpredictable and fucky she’s become since our Big Fight i also would not be surprised and sort of have half a mind to think she’s just mad for literally no reason (related to me or otherwise) and is doing this just because lol

[fmdkiana]

ki vs tempted

word count: 1186

tldr; basc on set ki had one of her closest friends, and fell in luv w another, so it was a happy time period for her. everything ive written so far abt this storyline i’ve kept the relationships vague because it was a lot to think thru but my not knowing shit keeps getting in the way so i’m doin the damn thing im Thinkin It Thru

not like ki actually had a choice, but once she heard that one of her closest friends had been cast in another role in tempted, she didnt hesitate to go along with it anymore

already having someone on set with her that she felt comfortable with made the process a lot easier to get used to, and opened her up to fallin in lub

i’ll think thru the bestie second bc thats more complicated to try to piece tgt but i have the luv one locked n loaded baybee

da luv

i continue to keep the roles “vague” because i’m p sure other ppl could claim roles in the drama in the future but i think it’s fair enuf to say she and the role had scenes, and they fell in love thru working on them

initial chemistry came in the moment of playing out scenes (he was def a better actor than ki is) and developed from there

he came to be quite romantic in the way he treated her behind the scenes and it made her fall very quickly

But they each fell for each other’s characters, more than one another. while it was a really good time period, when it came to the drama and promotions wrapping up, little things would pop up every so often that would point out how different of people they actually are. he liked going out, he was popular and charismatic, he liked playing things by ear, and ki,,,, is bad at all of those things

all those little moments came to a head when they left the relationship deflated. when the only time the passion could revive is when they’re basically roleplaying as characters that are becoming further and further in the past. eventually they mutually decided to call it off

i’m sure ki still quietly keyed the car of his next gf tho,,,,

also his name is seowoo bc i forgot to name him yet again ugh

da bestie

daemin’s an idol too n they met around russian roulette promos so late 2016

they bonded quickly over shared emotions and being at the right place at the right time

she saw him interacting w his brother who isn’t the nicest to him n ‘used’ her bs empath shit n Felt a kindred spirit. she was super sure he was an outcast n felt like a freak, the black sheep, like she did. and she was right (this time) but the dude is kinda batshit too so when she was right they were like soul sisters insert hands touching on either side of a glass wall

they’re rly similar in that theyre both recluses n have insecurity issue stuff due to their bg, him with his fam n her with mostly school kids back in the states

og they didn’t connect much on an idol level bc he was only an idol to appease his fam but later on decided he wanted to better himself. idol life still isnt their biggest connection tho bc ki is focused more on the attention and he’s more focused on growing his art

he’s also more morally headstrong

ki has some things she’s strong over, and Thinks her morals r rly strong, but in a lot of areas she’s back and forth on either extreme n,, that’s complicated to explain but it’s smth they don’t connect on

they created a foundation basically immediately because of the one thing they have in common that’s a core to both of them, and everything else has built up from that

it makes them more volatile than some other relationships ki has because the idea of them she’s built up in her head is that world ending type of friendship and he feeds into that

she’s more physically affectionate w him than most anyone and it’s created quite a few ‘almost’ moments where she gets in her head w all her overthinking n is like o no have i fooled myself am i secretly in love w him, and then every time chooses going nahhh im nooot we’re good we’re besties

but tbf she’s like that w any man she’s friends w bc she doesnt kno how to not overthink everything all the time lol on a usual daily basis her n daemin are quite besties only vibes, they just share company, laughs, interest, n comfort

reception

i got kinda off topic talking abt daemin for so long (idk this is just an intro if i end up wanting to write more specific details abt her r/s w daemin or seowoo they can have their own hcs) but smth i rly wanna talk about is the reception

tempted was Not hot with ratings, but a lot of the scenes ki was in ended up having a ton of buzz around them. a lot of ppl thought she was a good actress and really she only read as good because she was comfortable with some of her scene partners and felt like she was barely playing a role half the time because of it

so even today she has a small little fan group that wave their flags going ki best actordol show us ur magic in another show. but she’ll disappoint them almost every time loool

anyway during the promos and bts vids, it was clear to anyone who knew a touch about her that she was quite close with daemin and seowoo, because she acted completely differently around them than she does with most anyone else

she usually keeps to herself, doesn’t say much, very reserved, but with them, she’s laughing, she’s touching them, she’s just,, very comfortable

and fans ate it up. i was finally inspired to make this hc bc i saw tweets like dis https://twitter.com/jensestal/status/1505400897240809474?s=21 n was like ugh that’s so fans over ki n daemin Or seowoo tbh

but it hits diff w seowoo bc she felt like she was in love n it kinda showed bc she’s awful at holding back her feelings

nowadays

she thinks of it as a very positive experience. n her other bestie gyu showed up on the last day and really made that a Perfect experience to her

probably some fans even today whine about wanting ki in another drama with daemin or seowoo n poor them for that one bc her n seowoo so unlikely to b in another drama tgt loool

i think she’ll always have love for seowoo, but at this point, she’s come to realize she was in love with the character, and not the real life person. she doesn’t wanna put either of them through that again, bc she knows she’d fall for the character all over again. still gets wistful over him sometimes, esp if she comes across a vid of him acting and it Reminds her

and her n daemin are still besties, tho i think it’s smth that’s been more or less v private since the end of the show. stalkers know more, but the average person would probably think they’re just vaguely still friends. show up at the same function once a year or whatever

[dressedupkiss]

27 days

Until March!! Then 20 days til spring then a month til all the snow is gone and it’s warm!!

Just gotta get thru February.

I ordered 2 oz (2!!!) for $95 plus an extra 3.5 for $12

Joel paid me for one oz and it is of the strain Snowcap: Snow White x Haze

Snow White is either northern lights x white widow or it is a jack herer cat piss strain but I’m thinking and hoping this one is NL WW

Cuz those are some of my fave strains!!! I don’t really care about jack herer or cat piss

And I have $275 for 23 days of February. I have enough food to last me a week and then I’m gonna get groceries with my dad, a bit over $100 in my fridge and cupboards, and that should last me until the end of the month.

I’m gonna be shopping with Joel this month for boots at cabelas, shoes at shoe company and shoe warehouse, shirts and such at marks, fabric markers at michaels, and anything else I can afford that I see out there.

I shoukd be able to afford buying new footwear this month, I’m trying to save my money for food but I’ll have enough.

I got some really nice joggers at value village yesterday with Joel, they are aegean blue and I really like that colour. Like the ocean.

I’m a bit fat right now, from wintertime eating a lot and not going on many walks. My tummy and back have an inch or two excess over my waistband and it’s not the best. I’m hoping when it’s warmer days I can start going on walks and carve my fat down somewhat. I’m trying not to eat too late or too much anymore and trying to stop eating sugary foods and fatty foods. It’s tough. I feel like I have this fat cuz it’s my store of energy and safety in case I am homeless again: but I don’t have to worry about that, it’s not gonna happen.

I gotta sculpt myself, I just don’t have the energy to do much in winter. I wish it were warm out so I can enjoy the nature. I would go to the park nearby and exercise and run around a bit. Connect to the trees.... enjoy the sunshine...

At least my size 30 pants still fit me. I’m just a tiny bit too fat. All my fat is on my tummy and love handles. It’s not a terrible amount but I look lazy. It feels safe and comforting to have a bit of fat stored away but I need to be healthy. I’m surprised I have this extra fat, I feel like my body can naturally burn a lot of energy but I guess my body thinks I need this fat for survival.

I can’t wait til spring. Less than two months!! 47 days actually. Month and a half.

I’m gonna go on so many walks and really be present with the sunshine and nature, I’m gonna be so grateful for the warmth cuz this winter was just too long and cold. Some days have been nice and I did go out soemtimes but mostly I stayed in: I’m sick of staying in all day!!

I’m gonna be so alive for the warm weather and boy is it gonna get hot!! I’m gonna tan and Joel is gonna show me a place I can tan naked by the river hehehe

Joel is gonna get a new vehicle and a new apartment in the next couple months, so exciting!! I hope their car is good for the price. Her brother bought a car for $500 I think and it is 1995 and quite small but it works to get him where he needs to go. Joel needs a car like that. Someone selling a little old car for cheaps. Maybe Joel could borrow her friends car and we could go looking for cars with for sale signs in them.

Something will show up on kijiji one day and Joel will have $1000 cash saved up with me and any extra they might have for it.

I hope they get a car soon!

And a place but that will happen later

I’m glad I have my own place

I’ve really healed the last year

I feel more awake and aware now

I don’t have any feelings about anyone bothering me

I’m not screaming by myself

I’m just really bored

I want to find friends this spring summer

I want to find so many friends....

And I don’t want to be fuckbuddies with them

I think it’s gross how people fuck their friends

I don’t like how girls feel good about that

I like falling in love and being respectful. Sex is a delicate thing. I wouldn’t just do it with anyone.

I’ve never cum from anyone touching me,

And that’s only been 3 people

And I didn’t even feel attracted to any of them.

Joel has touched me but not well. They’re not very good at sex. They are porny about it even though they think they’re not. It’s gross.

Joel sluts around and that’s just part of their life. I think that’s sad to only make connections with people if you’re gonna hook up with them. Joel has fucked like every one of their friends. Like how fucking gross is that. It’s not impressive and it’s not cool. It’s sad. I wish I never let them touch me cuz they act like they have a charm over me. I can’t believe they can’t tell I don’t even like them that way. They’re not my type and they think they are. They like to brag about how they got me. They think I’ve cum for them but I’ve never been close. It’s gross. I can’t cum to someone I’m not into.

They are just pompous and rough and eager to fuck, they want to see me cum oo oo but they don’t want to actually do what it takes to get me there, not that they could cuz I don’t have a starting line cum to start from. It’s just zero.

Joel is a fucking mess and I don’t really love them soemtimes. They are ratchet and irresponsible and needy and conceited. They think I’m fucking conceited. I love myself for my beauty and I protect and treat myself well. Joel hasn’t protected themselves very well in their life and it shows. They need to take safety more seriously. I think it’s gross how lesbians slut around and shit. Slutting around isnt cool.

Risking a permanent disease isn’t cool. Having sex with guys is disgusting. I’m gonna find myself a safe clean woman to love.

I deserve a beautiful girl who loves me for me.

I don’t want to ever be with someone less than ever again. I will not settle for bullshit.

I need to cum to a hot girl so a hot girl I must get.

People think they know they can make me cum sometimes. Every one of them was lying to themselves. I’ve never met someone who can get me to cum. I met a super hot lesbian but she was a jerk so it was a turn off so I masturbated to her cuz she’s hot but she doesn’t have it in her to do it for me. Nobody can live up to their dreams.

I used to have sworling cum around me and boys would put their jizz in it. It hurt.

They acted like I would just give it up one day.

Rape is everywhere.

I fucking hate guys.

I hate gross slutty lesbians

I hate people who think they know my pleasure

I hate my mom for thinking I have to be a lady

I hate my dad for so many reasons

I love my kitty cat Mooney

I love the sun

And I love the moon

And the stars and sky

And trees and grass

And I love the internet and weed

And money and shelter

And FOOD

And art

And music

And movies

And cartoons

And video games

And comic books

And fruit juice

And hats

And durable clothing

And I love life

And I love mystery

And I love cryptic messages

And I love visions

And I love getting high and drunk

And I love WARM WEATHER

And GOOD HAIRCUTS

and LOVE

[tiredbiplantlady]

Tbh I get it - the self-deprecating posts we all share with each other, notes in the hundred thousands or more, have their purpose. It makes us feel like hey, it isn’t just me who can’t get out of bed. It isnt just me who is terrified for the future. It isnt just me who has wild mood swings and depressive episodes. It isnt just me who half jokes about killing myself in the form of morbid memes.

And yet, what is the price I pay for surrounding myself with those things on a daily basis? I feel a sense of solidarity with people who post and reblog them. I laugh a poisonous laugh at myself and the world, joking about the uncertainty because what else am I to do? “I guess sometimes all you can do is laugh.” But it reminds me of my mother who never makes any changes in her life and is horrified of the thought. She fantasizes, applies for jobs, looks at apartments and she never follows through even when she had a shot. She shoots herself in the foot before she even takes a chance. I grew up learning that and I’m tired of being it. Of following the path that’s leading me to be it even more. Things are miserable for her and she laughs the most morbid, sad and self hating laugh when bad things happen - “life is bad no matter what so what did I expect bahahaha!”

I get it that people need those things, memes about being ready for death and laughing about hating myself. Maybe you won’t tomorrow. Maybe you will. I don’t need them now, and I’m tired of being surrounded by it because quite frankly, I believe the constant presence stops becoming solidarity and more like a giant ball of negativity we all keep rolling in motion, perpetuating an endless cycle of believing it’s okay to call yourself worthless trash as a joke. Habitation, desensitization are real. We talk about it with violence, porn, rape culture depending on your political views, so why do we hurl insults at ourselves even as jokes and act like being self-deprecating will cause growth? I'm not shaming anyone for doing and coping the best they know how right now, but I am pointing out something I've noticed for the first time.

I’m tired of hating myself and perpetuating the haha-so-funny aspect of these type of posts. “I have no idea what I’m doing, I’m trash lol” of course I don’t know what I’m doing but that doesn’t mean I’m trash. Or a child. I’m doing the best I can with what I have and that’s all I can do. I have no idea what I’m doing, but I can’t wait to learn how. Just because I don’t know something doesn’t mean I’m still a kid faking being an adult and talking about it as “adulting”. I am allowed to play video games, make dumb mistakes, watch kid movies AND go to grad school, pay bills, and work a steady job. That doesn’t make me less of an adult or as though I’m faking and not a real one.

This last weekend, someone called out my victim mentality self-deprecating patterns of speech in a gentle but honest way, telling me that just because something fucked up happened to me doesn’t mean that I’m a fuck up or I’m fucked up. I’m just a person and these things that happened to me are not who I am or dictate what I’m capable of. As long as I continually see myself as unworthy, I’m going to keep myself from growing and learning as much as I could be. And that truly moved me, sparked something that changed me. I’ve known these things and for whatever reason it took that conversation to do it.

I was victimized but I’m not a victim now. I am victimizing myself and going in circles pretending everything in my life is beyond my control, at the mercy of fate or someone else’s choices. And of course I feel that way when that has been my life for years. But that isn’t my life now. I am in control of me, I am capable and strong and I don’t always know what I’m doing but I can learn, and I can do right by me even if it hurts other people for me to do so. Sometimes disappointing people is necessary to do what’s best for you. The more you listen the stronger your intuition whispers to you and I’m still learning.

I want to surround myself with postive and supportive people who want to see me grow, jot people who want to drag me into their self-deprecation cycle so we’re codependently relying on each other for validation and allowing one another to hate ourselves because at least I’m not alone. I don’t think people even do it on purpose, but I feel like that culture of supporting one another’s bad thought patterns happens here so much. Like how thinspo and pro-ana groups give each other tips to hide their issues to slowly kill themselves and make each others psychological misperceptions and self hatred worse. It’s one thing to be supportive of someone and not shaming them for feeling self hatred - that’s being a good friend. But being in a group of self hating people who say it’s a joke and it’s funny and popular on here to talk about yourself as trash, as incapable, as fucked up has inarguably made my mental illness worse and has allowed me to forgo any responsibility for my feelings, desires and behaviors by saying “it’s just cause I’m fucked up/mentally ill/will never be good enough/my parents were shitty/etc.” And the longer I tell myself that the worse off I am. What happened to me does not determine my future and I AM capable of being the person I want to be, even if it’s hard and painful and I fall down a lot. Growing up how i did and having the traumatic experiences I’ve had has shaped the way I think about myself and the world. And I don’t want to give them that. Not anymore. I’m reclaiming my mind as my own, my body as my own, my desires and feelings and hopes and fears as my own. Of course it’s hard to undo what was the result of pain and trauma. Of course.

I don’t want to hate myself anymore and I don’t want to be afraid of being afraid. I don’t want to be afraid of failure or being alone. I’m breaking this cycle now. I want real support and encouragement, not laughing at how pathetic I am or how I can’t control my behavior based on my feelings. The past matters as far as changing its patterns, but the past is not today. What happened to me matters, but only because I became stronger as a result, not as an excuse to hate myself or not try anything new. I thought I’d never survive the trauma, that it was too much to handle. But I pulled thru. I avoid having a job because what if I mess up, fail, what if it’s too much to handle. The only way after what I’ve been thru for a job to be too much to handle is if it’s too much hope for me to have for the future, too many connections and opportunity to get close to people.

I deserve to be where I’m at because I worked to get there. And now I want more and I can work to get that too. I’m strong and powerful and no one can take my will from me. I survived and I will always survive. I rely on others, clinging, to meet basic needs, but it’s time to rely on myself to find them. It’s time to be the mother for myself I never had and set a better example for the wounded part of me to follow. I am good enough and my choices have given me everything I have and everything I don’t but want. And I am growing. I’m glad for the struggle and fear and pain and everything I’ve been through because it was leading to this and this is leading to even more I can’t yet see. I will do everything I cam to be the person I want to be and I can feel in my bones, in my heart, my soul that I can love myself as deeply as I wish to be loved, that I can achieve what I’m meant to achieve, and my mistakes do not define me, but how I handle them does. Trauma does not define me but how I work through it does, what I do with it does, and I desperately want to fly on my own. So I will teach myself how.