#but she has fucked me over so many times
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Leaving the first part of the game and going into the Underdark/Mountain Pass feels like I've lost the training wheels. I don't know where to go. I don't know what to do. And I'm pretty sure everything wants to kill me.
I literally just wanted to talk to a lady but it turns out she's a kidnapper/baby trafficker and me having a problem with that meant I had to fight her?
Apparently Corvus Major can't do non-lethal damage... whoops.
#Baldur's Gate 3#Baldur's Gate 3 spoilers#BG3#BG3 Spoilers#I love my giant bird friend#but she has fucked me over so many times#Apparently Group stealth mode does not apply to animal companions#I keep forgetting#and then she's just following after me everywhere and I'm sneaking#but she gets spotted and then she's in the middle of combat#Gale is once again the only one who can see anything#even when we're in the Underdark and the guy doesn't even have dark vision#How?#Also I found Elminster#So we're officially in stage 2 of Mystra Can Go Fuck Herself#Never trust a god who wants their followers to be suicide bombers#for realz#My major issue aside from the Gale of all this though?#Is that she apparently has had the power to make him not a threat to other people this whole time#and yet she's just been letting what is essentially an armed nuclear bomb run around Faerun without caring about it going off#Obviously fuck her because she's shitty to Gale#But also fuck her because apparently she didn't care about the potential collateral damage from her pettiness#Apparently the game thinks I entered the Shadow Cursed lands though?#because it bumped up Karlach's quest?#I haven't even done the gith creche yet#And I've only dipped my toe into the Underdark#So weird that the high priestess's bodyguard hasn't realised that we assassinated the high priestess btw#She was the only person in that camp who didn't get the memo#So now it's just her and that guy in the cage who refuses to come out
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started stardew valley for the first time. born to remember villager likes and dislikes forced to immediately forget it the moment i take my eyes off thw wiki
#HELP. HEEEELPP <- THE FORGETTER#i have 18 different tabs open and im pretty sure half of them are duplicates. i have not made anything past 5000G i am so cooked#rn im at summer 11 ish?? i cant remember dates in real life either jesus christ GRIPPING THE COMMUNITY CALENDAR WITH MY BARE HANDS#my ass really went into this like “ill just take it easy and go into it blind so i get the newborn baby deer experience" completely ignoran#to the fact that i get anxious disappointing ppl and not having any background knowledge going into smth new. like a FOOL#also the walking speed is just slow enough to make me space out and forget where i was going and what i needed to do head in my hands#ive had to backtrack all over pelican town so many different times im in fucking adhd hell. resource management hell#im saying this like i hate it but its actually pretty fun and engaging when im not gripping my head trying to remember what i was doing#i got linus' 2 heart event and it made me whimper a little. LINUSSS LINUS I LIKE HIM. AND WILLY AND MARNIE THEYRE SO NICEYS#marnie kinda like.. reminds me of my friends mom even her face is pretty similar. shes sweet i like her. also willy calls me lad hes cool#i think im just gonna start a new save and NOT rely on the fucking mixed seed forages bc my ass was too stubborn to buy seeds#i just got sebastians 2 heart event too ughhh ive never had to work so hard for an emo boys approval. but it was satisfying#corn will fix me. its a replenishable summer-fall crop corn has to fucking fix me PLEASE#i also. made a stardew valley farmer. the one im playing as. their name is cosmo they have a backstory and everything im making#him a ref. his backstory is so fucking funny just wait#yapping#diary#puppy plays sdv
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*lovingly tackles Aine*
Read my Yandere! Pierro longfics first ♪( ´▽`)
Last week, my beloved mutual @ainescribe surprised me with Savior! Darling fan art and AHAI9232@2-!/! CRYING SCREAMING I WANT TO LOOK AT THIS ART AND WORSHIP YOUR VERSION OF SAVIOR THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR BLESSING ME WITH YOUR ART—
*clears throat* Anyway, now that I finally have the time to properly sit down and comment on the fan art, I’ll do just that. Feedback will be in the tags and it will be unhinged. Once again, thank you so much to Aine for drawing this <3
#feedback#fan art#ainescribe#AIIINE ;-; once again. thank you so much!! it rlly means a lot to me that you enjoyed my writing and felt inspired to draw this :'>#and as someone who loves fashion and character design. it's so so interesting to analyze your version of savior#there's so much symbolism and visual storytelling in each sketch/ outfit and i shall now proceed to pick apart each detail as best as i can#her snezhnayan fit.....god i love it. it's regal. distinctively snezhnayan. and draws attention to her--and you just know that was pierro's#intention when he dressed her in those garments. IT'S JUST SO...!! savior's wardrobe scrubbed clean of her original culture and preferences#replaced with the foreign garments of her captor's nations.....in line with this. i love how her kokoshnik and khaenri'ahn earrings are big#and attention-grabbing. you can't look at her without taking note of those accessories. it begs the question:: how many times has savior#looked at the mirror after being dressed up in snezhnaya and was unable to recognize her own reflection?? :'>#also shoutout to some details aine shared with me: 1) the face marks are inspired by weeping angels 2) the kokoshnik was traditionally worn#by married noblewomen BUT the veil was normally for unmarried women so savior's outfit can be seen as a form of compliance + rebellion#(though later on in history it became accepted for married women to also wear that veil. also my apologies if what i said is inaccurate)#lastly shoutout to savior's expression!! very poised and mysterious....due to her emotional state or pierro's rules on how to act as his#spouse in public?? we'll never know~ the first drawing hits even harder when you compare it to the next one!! such an interesting contrast~#savior in her plain attire. casual and domestic with a smile on her face....i'm guessing this is her pre-fatui version?? she looks so warm#and friendly. and i can definitely understand why pierro fell for her smile <3#also i fucking love the caption. sorry pierro but you are cursed to be a loser/ simp/ pathetic man in all of my fics and AUs xD#NOW ONTO GODDESS! SAVIOR AAAHHHH!! i love the greek goddess motifs. she looks so regal and awe-inspiring but in a different way from her#snezhnayan attire--archaic. divine. and more suited to her personal style.....yet both versions of her look so painfully isolated :'>#her blank eyes. emotionless face. and veil give me the vibes of a spooky victorian ghost...or would a statue/ portrait be more fitting??#the lack of a necklace is also an interesting design choice given what happens in the fic. and now i realized i forgot to comment on your#version of her snezhnayan necklace oops. similar to the kokoshnik and earrings. the size + grandeur makes it impossible to ignore#that and big jewels = expensive af. ohhh and i love the sparkles on her veil!! pierro rlly spared no expense in dressing up his wifey <3#it's also funny how all of these outfits are similar to my own version in terms of 'savior wore grand clothing during her glory days as a#goddess -> wore simple attire after her decline for practicality and to blend in with humans/ disassociate from her old identity -> is now#dressed in even grander clothing as the harbinger's spouse. but it's used to reinforce her new identity and pierro's control over her'#tldr:: your design is so creative and i can see the effort you put in analyzing her character and depicting her based on your interpretatio#thank you for being my mutual + reader and i hope we can share even more harbinger/darling brainrot in the future :>
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It’s so embarrassing and heartbreaking being in so much pain over losing someone while knowing they don’t give a fuck if you live or die. Your favorite person becoming a stranger is a special kind of hell.
#I fucking hate having bpd#while I’m at it I don’t understand the fuckin audacity some people have to say they love you and do horrible things to you#I feel so stupid#I feel so stupid for believing all the lies#but I was so in love and put him on such a pedestal that I just allowed it all.#thinking about someone constantly and grieving over them and knowing they’re perfectly fine and to them you don’t exist#I’m still in such a state of grief and I don’t understand why time hasn’t healed#it honestly feels like it’s gotten worse w time#I just torture myself but I can’t help it my brain wants me dead#it’s so painful I feel so fucking stupid#being abandoned with no closure by someone who’s your entire world#for someone they were unfaithful to you with multiple times (I don’t even know how many and dony want to know) immediately#like that was the plan all along#he took our cat hundreds of miles away and I don’t even know if he still has her or if she’s still alive and I miss her every day#I never loved someone like that and it feels like the heartbreak is actually physically killing me#i spent 1/5 of my entire life with him#I was my prettiest and had the best body at the time and I wasted it on someone who didn’t appreciate me#not wasted. it wasn’t wasted. we had some incredible times together#I’ll never be that beautiful again#and now idk what do so bc i can’t decide which is worse: being alone and isolating or loving deeply and ending up horribly hurt all over#it’s all just so upsetting.#and I feel so stupid for allowing it all#he knows more about me than anyone and he made me feel like he loved me so much sometimes and then did horrid things and it’s so fucked up#nobody read this I’m so embarrassed and horribly broken#it traumatized me so much there was so much abuse and pain idk if I’ll ever recover#I deserved it but it still hurts my heart#I was so mentally ill and sick I know it had to have been miserable to be around me#there are so many things only he understands and knows about me and I need to talk about them I j wanna b able to b there 4 each other#but that girl is so beyond insecure and controlling so. if I want to talk to who fuckin gets me I’m just fucked#why lead someone on like that for years knowing you’re going to abandon them the second it’s convenient
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Actually I can't stop thinking about Tim gaining a bit of weight during her time as Persephone and it's killing me now
#she's been an immortal for so long she has no idea how she looked before the lunar war#she was 3-4 years younger and matured during that time despite the starvation#and she probably got a buzzcut when she was drafted but nobody kept up with hair regulations bc they couldn't see each other enough#for them to be enforced#After she first got mechanized the eyes were just one of the many parts of ger body she didn't recognize#and it competed in importance with the weight loss and aging and new scars and more#But when she sees herself at a healthy weight as Persephone bc she hasn't had a complete death in so long that she's managed to hold weight#she just cries because she thinks this is how she must have once looked#though her memory fails to give her any confirmation. she can only guess#she sees in the mirror a person who didn't feast on the corpses she could find#and she can pretend she actually Is Persephone- not Tim#that she's lived a happy olympian life and has never died and that she doesn't occasionally unwillingly salivate over brains in the acheron#and the worst part is she Knows this is temporary#her fantasy and joy is limited#limited until the day she doesn't throw a grenade far enough again or the day she annoys Ashes enough to set her on fire#she can't stay this way for the eternity she is so damned to#and once she does experience a full body reset it's an uphill climb to regain that weight again- if she manages to not die in that time#it's the inevitability of it all that really gets me#and also Ashes obviously thinks Tim looking healthier- well taken care of- is hot as fuck. tho they think Tim always looks hot as fuck#but they don't understand why she freezes when they run a hand along her chest now- unable to even feel her ribs unless they press down#or why she starts making flimsy excuses to leave whenever they offer to take her out on their arson runs
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lmaoooo maffhew wanting the knot immediately and having to wait for sasha to catch up with that is so deeply funny like. this omega is not subtle and you’re not a stupid alpha babe! can only imagine what benny has to say to maffhew about it once he catches on and stops banging his head against a wall
idiots to lovers is always great but especially when its two people who would be hitched with 10 kids by now if they stopped being dumb for a single second like its that easy and yet...
to me they very much fall around the same time (infatuation at first scent if you will) just that sasha takes some time to get there not because he's dumb (okay he's a little dumb) but in the sense that its like "this person is very interested in me, i can see and recognise that but theres so much cognitive dissonance in my brain right now between knowing that intrinsically and finding that hard to believe so i unintentionally play dumb because obviously i'm reading too much into things it cant be me they're interested in haha that'd crazy but they're being awfully touchy and flirty with me wow"
but also it takes two to tango and we have to acknowledge that and this is when i would love to bring up the ways in which this man decides is the best way to go about that because he is a catholic school girlie... there's so much hilarity to be had here especially because his flirting is very uh how you say... a little ass backwards if you will especially considering dynamics
"I make it a point to keep the door closed when we're alone in a room together! That's basically a clear invitation that I'm down to fuck!!! Im basically asking to be ragdolled on his knot!!!"
and Benny just pinches the bridge of his nose like "I don't know how to explain to you in a way you'll understand that not everyone went to Catholic school."
But saying that Sasha does side-eye the door knob heavily when Maffhew goes over to close it the first time and he starts sweating like he just got dragged into a game of 7 Minutes in Heaven he did not sign up for and he's 13 again and oh god he got paired with a really cute girl, and he hasn't even had his first real kiss yet and-
And then absolutely nothing happens because Maffhew is just waiting with a polite expectant smile (because his work here is done, he did the heavy lifting know it's Sasha's turn) and this is when Sasha's dynamic classes training kicks in and he basically scolds himself for even assuming in the first place because this is clearly a show of trust (correct) not an invitation for extra circular activities (incorrect buzzer noise) and it basically becomes "This Omega really trusts me, I'm honoured especially as Pack Leader that I'm able to be so accepted into such a private space with the inherent knowledge that I will not encroach their boundaries whatsoever because consent is verbal, this is not in any way an invitation to take advantage of them this is deep platonic trust I will guard with my life :]"
and if you listen closely you can hear the lovely sounds of Maffhew bashing his head into a wall about how much of a gentleman Sasha is but also COME ONNNNNN... you know... once Maffhew realises what's happening which (looks at my watch) is not due for another few months really
Battle of wills: unstoppable force (maffhews catholic school understanding of dynamic interactions) vs immovable object (overseas alpha cotillion classes)
And if you think it's an Oh! An overseas dynamic thing! It's not. The Euros are watching the horrible car crash in front of them and doing absolutely nothing about it because it's none of their business, but they will stare at it... maybe judge it a bit but definitely are observing from the tall grass.
and I'm also not saying that luosty lundy forsy and bobby have a current running bet of how long it'll take for maffhew to break sasha in but i'm also not not saying that... luosty goaded lundy in the midst of a gossip session ("It has to be 3 months, right?) forsy happened to be around so lundy turned to him for advice ("7 months.") and maybeeee bobby overheard from all the way over from his stall and puts in his two cents for what it's worth ("6. Captain nice but not that nice. Very impatient." "So 3!" "No. Impatience makes him double the time, and wait longer. 6 months.") (lundy finally settles on a good 5 months because he's indecisive)
And Sasha does eventually pick up everything maffhew is throwing down... eventually... and when he does it becomes more so I want to court this omega the way they deserve I will take this slow and romance them sweetly :) *smash cut to maffhew caterwauling like a cat in heat*
but also once again its not like maffhew is helping sasha in any way this is idiot4idiot and benny would like to enjoy the car crash with the euros but unfortunately that's his soulmate, thats his bestie, his littermate from birth who has been weaned on the same teat as they climbed over each other to get to it, the first girl you kissed in your childhood bedroom because somehow you started play fighting on the bed because she was like i could totally pin you down easy and then she does and you always noticed how beautiful she was but shes even more gorgeous when she's pinning your wrists to your hannnah montana duvet you promised yourself youd changed out before she came over but you forget and well she teased you about it and you cant help but giggle about how perfect this all is and it seems that the natural conclusion to this is to taste the strawberry lipgloss of her lips because whats a kiss between besties huh its tacky and sticky and it tastes like summer and just other apt metaphors to put here about the inherent -isms of their relationship that i nearly cant put to words properly other than girls having fun (they are fucking)
and well anyways benny is watching and he has a lot of things to say about how its been proceeding so far
"You should really use your words."
"I am!"
"Right because smelling like a fucking perfume shop in the middle of October is using your words."
"This usually works with most Alphas okay!"
"Sasha isn't most Alphas."
"Tell me about it." Matthew grouses before he peeks over to Sam, looking up from beneath his eyelashes—the exact way he knows both endears him to Sam but also absolutely miffs him all the same, "Worked on you, didn't it?"
"Oh, is that what we're doing right now? We're calling getting a lapful of a preening O in preheat in the middle of a roadie a normal way to go about these things."
"It worked didn't it?" Matthew reiterates.
"It would work better if you use—"
"Okay! Alright!! I get it!!!" He does not.
like benny here is unfortunately an active listening participant in the going ons of the fuckery if not because hes involved by proxy because of maffhew because who else will hold his hair back as he calls him a dumb bitch you know
#ask#i dont think we nearly take enough advantage of maffhew going to a catholic prepatory school#my friend who went to catholic schooling his whole life until highschool (where we met) dropped the bombshell of the door thing on me#to which i went you have to be fucking with me that cant be real and then i was like well i guess its good we're both boys then-#and then he goes oh my mom knows im queer the rule applies to boys too#and i just nervously looked over to the door knob like well uh maybe we should open the door? i dont want your mom to be mad-#and he was like oh shes convinced we've been fucking since we met so this is allowed youre the only boy she lets do this (the door thing)#a couple of years later when he moved out i found out friends weren't allowed over if he was alone in the house but i was the only exceptio#and i felt like the equivalent of a roving tomcat who keeps wandering into the gardens and got the neighbours cat daisy pregnant#i dont think i could ever look that woman in the eye after all that#this is all to say catholic schooling does things to you man#anyways i do have to reiterate every kitty is fucking each other on a normal basis and in an abo au it gets even worse#making our whorehouse a whorehome#ive always said this but flirting with a virgo is like flirting with a brickwall#actually thatd be an insult to the brickwall because at least the brickwall would give you something to work with#the humble virgo looks you in the eyes before they crush your ego with a single word and youre like thank you mistress may i have another#i feel for maffhew i really do#theres just so many funny ways this just goes terribly wrong because both maffhew and sasha are inherently messy people#matthew and sasha on a team outing sat next to each other in a booth and matthew gets a little tipsy and starts rubbing his cheek#on sashas shoulder and sasha is just looking over to benny like please. help. and benny just snorts and blatantly ignores#him as he continues to sip on his beer and sasha just turns to ekky and silently pleads with his eyes. PLEASE. HELP.#ekky huffs and looks away very much not thrilled about being involved in any form whatsoever and hes not gonna change his mind about this#*5 minutes later* and ekky finds himself switching spots with sasha with a cuddly maffhew on his arm and he's a little disgruntled about it#but its very hard to stay upset when maffhew keeps mumbling about how nice he smells and keeps trying to scent him#all over like he has any right to lay a claim when hes been in the pack for such a short time#and yeah okay maybe he preens a little bit at the compliment like just a little#and maybe he does like being treated like a glorified scratching post but matthew doesnt need to know that (matthew knows that)#well anyways
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i've gone to sleep angry and woken up angry every day since last saturday
#the flatmate who moved out was made CRYSTAL clear of her contractual duties to keep paying rent until she's been replaced on the lease#just like the other flatmate who moved out (and flatmate B is a student who works part time and has a deadbeat dad she can't move home to)#flatmate A works full time and will be living at home rent free and only moved out to go on a free holiday to mexico with her sisters#but it's flatmate A who's throwing a tantrum saying she wants her bond back and wants to stop paying rent now#even though no one's moved in to replace her on the lease WHICH WAS THE STIPULATION OF HER BREAKING IT EARLY#she KNEW this and she avoided all attempts at conversation about it before she moved out#but now that we're not face to face she's so brave over text with her lawyer sisters in her ear trying to tell us we're fucking her over#and trying to get us to pay HER RENT on top of our own#it's a fixed term lease you can only break it if you abide by the conditions the landlord sets#and the conditions were that she find someone to replace her on the lease#she's claiming that bc flatmate c (who's staying in the flat) moved into her room out of his couples room (bc him and flatmate b broke up)#that that somehow counts as her being replaced on the lease#no matter how many times we tell her that's not the case because how the fuck could he replace her when he's already on the lease#she refuses to listen. IT'S A ONE IN OUT SYSTEM BABE AND YOU'RE STILL IN#it's just soooooo shitty and sneaky like we've been friends for three years and now she's throwing it all away for WHAT#i hate people pleasers i hate people who hide their selfishness and sneakiness behind smiley faces and kisses#how is it in ANY way fair that the rest of us pay her rent so she can go on holidays. yeah i'd fucking like that too girl#it's stressing me out so bad because she's trying so hard to get between us all and tell one person that the other person said something#and then you ask the other person and they say no i absolutely did not say that#and we have proof evidence and facts on her side but she refuses to believe them#anyways. we've referred this all on to our landlord now so now it's her problem and out of our hands#ugh. it just sucks because we were really close friends and now what are we
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#feel like my relationship with my younger brother is changed completely forever not to be dramatic lol but i am sad#we used to b very close but he has kind of. found his faith again and gone full missionary christian which like. i knew meant the dynamic#was doomed lmao but actually acknowledging it makes me sad i feel like i'm grieving for the friendship we used to have even though#it is literally a me problem i think from his perspective he doesn't think anything has changed. but i feel weird about everything#also his new gf is nineteen and he is. almost 25 and i am the only one who feels weird about it like i know she's over 18 but! idk i can't#tell if i'm being overly cautious or if my gut instinct is right. my sister & her husband have a similar age gap but they met when they wer#both over 30 so like. it didn't feel weird. and i didn't feel comfortable actually seriously talking to him about it apart from the first#time he mentioned her over facetime (he went to another country to do mission stuff & met her there) so like an idiot i've just been#making jokes about the age gap becausee like. thats always been our thing lightly bullying each other lol but he blew up at me and said#i've had nothing positive to say about her since he's been back home and that he thinks i hate her and i'm out of line for constantly#implying he's creepy for dating someone younger. idk i felt like such a freak idiot horrible person about it. it completely blindsided me#bc yes the jokes were coming from a place of idk how i feel about this situation so i'm going to rely on the humour-based communication#we have always fallen back on as a safety thing but i guess i was wrong or the dynamic shifted or something anyway it's all fucked#& everyone is just telling me i feel weird out of some?? misplaced kind of jealousy thing?? because i'm 'losing' my brother to his gf lol#which does not feel right at all he has dated so many other girls and i have never had a problem it is literally the age gap like i haven't#even met this girl i'm sure she's very nice! i just worry about her being nineteen!! jesus. and yes maybe i do feel some resentment around#a brother younger than me who seems to be able to live his life with zero difficulty whilst i'm stuck being this unemployed loser who ruins#literally ever friendship & relationship ive ever had but i think thats ok right like i can't help feeling that. i don't fucking knowwww#am i just projecting all these sad feelings about our friendship dying onto his new relationship or like. am i right to be genuinely#concerned she's six years younger than him and still a fucking teenager!!!!!! i don't know
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oh i can already tell i’m about to have some really unpopular opinions about the edge of sleep tv show
#i remember everyone loving the podcast when it came out#but as someone who was an active fan of audio dramas and podcasts for years at that point the show just. made me frustrated#i realized later after listening to left right game that qcode has this very strange and almost uncanny production behind it#where they get incredibly famous actors to play characters and then bank their marketing on that alone#and the writing is always *almost* good. like sometimes you start to think you might actually be listening to a good show#bc i mean the audio quality and special effects are all stellar#but then the writing and acting is always just a little bit too over-the-top and dramatic for it to feel natural#like the writers don’t know how to portray emotion without visuals so they just make everything Way Too Intense#and each time it feels like they just ask ‘what’s the most insane thing that can happen next?’#’oh ok he’s gonna chop dave’s dick off’#and every time you start to actually like a character they say something misogynistic or just otherwise batshit fucking insane#not to mention that time in left right game where a girl confessed her love to her best friend before LITERALLY DYING FOR HER#only for the best friend in the next scene to be like ‘erm i’m not gay 😐 awkward…’ and she’s NEVER BROUGHT UP AGAIN#qcode productions are kinda like the fast fashion of fiction podcasts i think#they churn out so many so quickly and they always feel just slightly unnatural or superficial#not to mention when i tried looking into them years ago and it’s impossible to find#literally anything about them. like their minimalist ass website was so insanely insanely vague#and yet clearly they’ve gotta have a fuck ton of money backing them to have this absurd amount of a-list talent on board#(which really i think that is all they care about)#anyways yeah some markiplier fans are gonna get pissed at me for not kissing the ground he walks on. but i was one of you. i AM one of you#and i hate that somebody out there is holding the iron lung movie over us like we’re dogs and if we wanna watch it#we gotta watch this show. which BTW they are giving no details about where to watch it#and seemingly no promotion or marketing material for a show that’s been in production for years coming out in less than 3 weeks#just weird as fuck man. and i don’t even think mark has much to do with it
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god i cannot wait to be off these steroids…
#marzi speaks#marzivents#<- it’s late n i’m kinda pent up abt this#i’m so TIRED of themmmm#i’m probs gonna be on them for the rest of the year. which SUCKSSS#i don’t like how many ppl comment on the moon face#i don’t mind it. like i look in a mirror and i’m okay.#it’s a little weird. but like. just because it’s different. like getting used to a new haircut#but every time i see someone for the first time in a bit it’s ‘woah your face got rounder’#and i have to go ‘oh yeah it’s water retention- steroids thing it’ll go away when i’m able to go off ‘em’#and they go ‘oh alright :) you still look good btw don’t worry’#and i just. i HATE how people talk about it!! like jfc. it’s so clear that they think it’s like kinda sad#my dad said he thinks it’s cute and he’s the only one i actually think is telling the truth there#my mom and i agree that it doesn’t matter. but even then she tries to tell me not to panic#like a little extra squish in my face is something to panic over#it’s so clear that so many people see it as another thing to pity#oh poor thing. has that chronic illness for the rest of her life. and the steroids made her jaw look rounder :(#like jfc i knew fatphobia was prevalent but come the fuck on. literally i’m like barely retaining water for steroids too#like. i’m still very much skinny (i JUST finished being malnourished ffs) but bc i’m retaining water in my face#now ppl feel the need to comfort me. over this tiny cosmetic thing that does not matter#like. i wouldn’t feel weird abt it if it weren’t for everyone else making it such a THING. why is everyone so weird about it#i’m not insecure about it but when ppl try to comfort me or go ‘it’s not that bad’ it makes me feel like i’m SUPPOSED to be insecure abt it#and it drives me NUTS. bc there are things about being on steroids that i would love to be comforted about#but the water retention is not one of them. i couldn’t give a rat’s ass about the water retention#y’know what i’d like to be comforted over? the mood swings. the irritability. the insomnia. the appetite fluctuation#the slow healing of skin. thinning and dryness in the skin. having to take like 3 other medications alongside the steroid#bc taking the steroid causes side effects that need to be medically treated or prevented#even outside of the steroid! i’d like some comfort about having to build back my stamina from scratch#i’d like some comfort about having the worst balance i’ve had in years#there’s. more to this. but i’m out of tags. maybe i’ll make some replies idk. i’m just. UGH
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#i am officially one week into my trip to brasil and i am so fucking happy#like its hot as fuck rn bc theres been a heat wave the past few days and it feels like DEATH outside#but the beach has been gorgeous the city is amazing the food is beyond words (obv lol)#and im just. im so happy to be here guys im so fucking happy#mygrandparents didnt flip over my tattoo like i expected them to and my grandmother even said she likes my lil crop tops#which is WILD bc this is a very seventh day adventist couple who usually dont like showing skin or things like that#but theyve been very chill with me and even though its been tough seeing how alzheimer's has been affecting my grandmother#its also really nice having this time with them and having them show me the church they got married in 60 years ago & the city they met in#its just been really nice all around and even though we still have a month left i already dont want to leave#although ngl i do miss writing oh my GOD the brain worms have been eating me alive i have so many lil blurbs written down that i want to#expand upon and im ITCHING to get back into writing again#anyway i hope you all are doing well i miss u i still dont have access to discord so im SORRYYYYYYY to anyone waiting on me#but mwah im gonna go eat dinner i love you allllll!!!!!!#personal
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ship discourse my beloathed
#god why can’t people like. leave other people alone#“i can’t believe you’re a proshipper you have such young impressionable fans!!1!1!1” girl. shut up#such “young impressionable fans” probably shouldn’t be on the tumblr/twitter/whatever anyway.#also like. if a creator has sufficient warnings it shouldn’t???? matter????#just block the tag and move on lmao you antis are fucking crybabies#don’t doxx or harass people over FICTIONAL SHIPS#one of the things that drives me fucking crazy in the utmv fandom is ship discourse. like good fucking lord#it’s okay to be disappointed in people for being proshippers. i was disappointed when i found out zu was.#do i care? no! i still love her other content. i just blocked the dreammare tag and moved on#it’s not like she posts about it everyday anyway. grow up utmv community.#nash talks#probably delete later#nashdoesstuff#this is exactly why i’m so tired of this fandom’s bs and have considered leaving as many times as i have#you guys don’t know how to fucking behave.#will i leave? probably not considering utmv is my special interest#but my point still stands. grow the fuck up.#fandom discourse#ship discourse#i think the only proshipper i’ve ever blocked was flowey because he’s weird in other ways. it wasn’t even because of proshipping :/
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ok let's catch up quickly
#so i went on a few dates w this guy. long hair beautiful face kinda looked like a girl (good) said yes ma'am when i told him to do smth#(also good) film student great at photography including candids. made a sheath of leather for a sword pin i have . et cetera.#he asked to cuddle and i was like iggg and then i felt Nothing and i was like ohhh yh ok ok yep lesbian#like he meets almost all my criteria but. yeahhh no . also at the end of that date he had some weird takes. anyway broke up w him and told#him actually im p sure im a lesbian (again) and he was like yk thats the second time this has happened to me this week but its ok bc ive#fallen for this girl from berlin. and then we cooked together. anyway . met a beautiful butch lowk in love w her. weve been on (1) date.#have two exams in a few days havent studied enough going to like end it all basically. my research partner kicked me off our research#(expected(it was always skinda sketchy)) which was devastating + it happened in a lidl 15 hours into a journey from bordeaux#to go back to the UK. my friends were kinda busy paying for baguettes but also they heard this whole exchange and are kinda mad at him#my friend of 10+ years is coming over in a few days. my evil ex situationship person that i decided to stay friends w because i kept#insisting they are a good friend and not evil and also extremely beautiful? turns out shockingly enough they were evil. tried to fix them#and then i realised due to their entire friendship group being ppl like me (Every Single One of their friends are ppl they met on dating#apps then led on then dumped and proposed staying friends w) and are collectively extremely attracted to them and not over them they#keep validating the most diabolical shit they say/do to hace a chance w them. they broke up w their ex and the way they keep leading#this poor girl on and making her heartbeeak worse and saying that they want more power over her and want her to beg for them back etc...MY#JAW HAD DROPPED esp bc i didnt even know the ex was in the picture BECAUSE ME AND ONE OF OUR FRIENDS (that they also dated) HAD JUSR SLEPT#NAKED TOGETHER IN THEIR BED W THEM. GIRL. anyway that is the least of the diabolical stuff they said but no we are moving onnn#this was b4 the beautiful butch btw. anyways . i have a mitski concert tmrw i think?? idek anymore#i used to have a crush on this guy very briefly and then it disappeared and then i realised if he fundementally changed everything abt#himself then maybe id like him but ofc i didnt tell him that but i still think abt it sometimes but anyway thats irrelevant now bc 99% sure#even if he did id still not find him attractive (lesbianism). please recommend good overnight moisturisers btw i have super dry skin#right. the friend of 10 yrs. we had a hard convo abt why she essentially bullied me in year 8 and it made me highly bitter but i also love#her and ik things are diff now its been like . Many Years . and shes going to stay a while I HAVE TWO EXAMS I DONT HAVE TIME but i love her#its fine. i think i might just switch into medicine and do the whole become a neurosurgeon thing (which was my plan B) bc plan A is looking#kinda impossible rn. I WANNA TALK MORE ABT WHAT THE EX SITUATIONSHIP PERSON SAID but i wont bc i dont wanna be too mean but also . MY GOD#i had a conversation w a philosopher friend about whether i have a moral responsibility to try to fix them bc unleashing this on society#feels wrong and he said 'probably but...run' so yeah im not talking to them atm. second date w beautiful butch on monday btw IDK WHAT TO#WEAR. she said she likes fems. im just gonna wear the shortest ralph lauren skirt i have w the cute leg warmers and hope 4 the best#its 1:15 AM im abt to drink coffee and start studying bc what the FUCK man. also almost finished watching the boys its very good#one of my best friends is struggling rn it is breaking my heart i want to take the burden from her i miss her very much
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character wrapped 2023 💥
tagged by @davidtennantpussytulpa ^-^ i didn't know how many to do so i copied tara and did top 10. i know the severance guys are Four Of Them but i can't separate them theyre all equally important to me
will graham (hannibal), em haywood (nope), aziraphale (good omens), mark & dylan & helly & irving (severance), hawkeye pierce (mash), martha jones (doctor who), ivan karamazov (the brothers karamazov), kim kitsuragi (disco elysium), stewy hosseini (succession), ruescott melshi (andor/rogue one)
i will tag... @fagician @britomart @libraryfag @roadwhores @majorbaby @globuspolski @hadleyfraserfaggot @tenderscience if u want to ^-^
#and now i will explain them all in detail#cos i started watching hannibal back in like. january or february and will immediately set up camp in my head and started to settle there#*I* pay rent to *HIM*. he lives there permanently. sweating and monologuing constantly#em was not only the character of 2022 but also of 2023 and of 2024 and the rest of the decade and all decades to come#she had such an impact on me keke palmer's performance will live with me forever and i love nope so fucking much#i almost didnt include her because nope was more of a last year obsession. but she lives on#aziraphale.........no comment#severance.......i love them all so much and at first i wanted just irving and then just helly and then i realise i cried over mark this week#and then i realised i couldnt possibly leave out dylan when hes probably my favourite character. so then i settled for all of them#hawkeye is my fucking wife. enough said#martha... well i knew i had to have a doctor who character. i thought maybe the doctor but then i thought their companions mean more to me#sometimes at least. i did have a fourteen icon for a while but then i was like but Donna..... and then i thought. well#these past few months at least martha jones has been eating away at my heart. i go batshit insane when i think about her#her impact. her grace. her power. so she had to go on the list.it was a toss up between her and donna for sure though#then i figured i had to include a karamazov since reading that book took up half of my year. and ivan was my favourite of the 3. so <3#kim goes without saying. literally nothing to be said hes the character Of All Time. to me#stewy also goes without saying ive had so many Stewy Save Me moments since the beginning of season 4 all the way to the end of the year#i miss him every day. he is the moment. i wish there was more of him all the time#and the last one is a bit of a wildcard cos all my insanity abt melshi has been on my andor sideblog.#but rest assured ive been thoroughly Not Normal about him. he literally side appears in 4 episodes and has 11 total minutes onscreen#but i love him. so much. and hes occupied most of my thoughts since september. once again his impact his power his grace. his homosexuality#enough said. that's all. thanks for reading. this was a great year for autism and madness#tag game#🍪
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the challenge of i should commission art of my ocs. would love to commission like, siiyr or bokrae, maybe krachyn or jula. siiyr or bokrae would make the most sense, maybe krachyn. i think theyre the ones with the most detailed notes on their anatomy
but also
oh god i cannot subject another artist to the anatomical war crimes i committed in making these ocs
#toy txt post#ig id be best off commissioning someone w a lot experience w like. centaurs. let alone commisioning them actually doing anything#interesting. the good bad news is ai cant do it either. fucking i cant even do it. why did i make these bitches. i gave bokrae a gf#but shes not. she cant even. her lips dont really do a kiss shape shes all teeth#siiyr has too many fucking elbows and a weird skull situation#bokraes skull continues to break my brain. i think it does break physics in universe. birdie did weird shit w that eye#its constantly trying to explode#the art ideas i have for bokrae and siiyr have plagued me for years even now in my depression funk of no new ideas#i cant bring myself to subject other artists to them?????#i should specify Bokrae's teeth more tho probably. i used to jokingly explain it away as she has all the teeth/they change#and. they do. canonically birdie has to replace all of her bones over time especially her skull. but also#that was me being lazyyyyyyyyyyyy#idk i know you dont necessarily need like a super detailed ref sheet to commission things but like. if i was commissioning my own ocs id#want that probably?#maybe i will try to draw the girls today. probably not doing anything interesting#bc i have not drawn for One Billion Years and im out of practice with Normal Human Anatomy let alone#these fucking Monsters#also maybe one day ill figure out Jared#pigeon head on a deaths head moth body with gemstone eyes is something i can see in my head but when i try to draw it it doesnt look right#so. need to work on that? the main thing about jared is that he needs to Scuttle#and id like to incorporate a pigeon#hm#hmmmmmmm
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Wanting more homoeroticism in the tension between the show’s leads as the narrative introduces greater intimacy and higher stakes between them, especially in a landscape that lacks queer representation who isn’t a villain or dies within one or two episodes, but also recognizing that core values/motivation for these characters lie in their relationships with one of two major female characters in an on screen sausage fest where the only other woman is a morally reprehensible femme fatale and erasing and/or vilifying female leads in favor of conventionally attractive males is a common practice observed in fandoms that’s rooted in misogyny and justified under the guise of rejecting heteronormativity, thinly veiled double standards, or claiming the woman is simply not interesting enough and not wanting to bolster that mindset
#the worst of evil#you know who’s not interesting enough? haeryeon!! bibi’s acting the hell out of her and slaying while doing it#but idk anything besides she’s willing to subvert her dad for dick and values money over everything else#and also she’s hot which is great for me!! but also the male gaze#and I also get it - we don’t know much about euijeong in her limited screen time besides her relationships to junmo/kicheol#but she is given so many traits that are silently conveyed like compassion and bravery and sacrifice#she brought a fucking gun to her date with kicheol like the conflicts and motivations here are SO JUICY#her exasperation guilt and despair with the investigation; esp after listening to the voicemails#what’s the self respecting thing to do; do I still love my husband if he loses himself; can I continue a game I never wanted to play#at the cost of my life or my family’s life?#even though a lot of her choices are for her marriage she’s using whatever agency she has in her own terms#kicheol works to be an honest man and make a difference partly bc of her#not trying to place the burden of fixing men on her but ignoring her impact in the boys’ lives is wild#ship whoever you want hate whoever you want but don’t deride a woman just cuz ‘she’s in the way’ ya know#all this being said; kicheol bringing junmo home after he RAMPAGED seemingly on his behalf - literally who else is doing it like them#the yearning all around - I get it now; we need gangster mob!throuple to get any shit done around here (and for all 3 to stay alive 🫣🙏)#but the reality next week is gonna be so so bitter
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