#but she didn't personally care about it - she just knew they did
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4longyears · 7 hours ago
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i know with my older sister it went like this:
she isnt a pushover by any means. she personally wasn't ever politically active, sure she cared about issues that effected her and even then not enough to go out and fight/protest for them. She was straight and middle class and privileged and comfortable enough to not care deeply or even know very much about politics/civil rights struggles in general outside of high school classes. She met a man who was very career driven and pursued her very strongly. She knew he was a republican but wrote off a lot of the dubious things he said and frankly she didn't care too deeply about his views on LGBT people or other minority groups. She didnt LIKE it but it wasn't a dealbreaker for her (yes she knew she had LGBT family members at this point, she just didn't think about it 'in that way'). They were married and had a kid together before trump rolled around and got big. Again, this sister was never very interested in politics and got more pissed off at me for 'picking arguments' with her husband whenever he would say stupid shit at family dinners than she would at her husband for saying the stupid shit in the first place.
These types of people value peace and quiet over necessary conflict, would rather a fascist opinion go unchallenged rather than have an argument over dinner.
They dont see the warning signs as red flags, just little 'oh dont mind my husband, he doesn't really know what he's saying, he doesn't REALLY mean it, he does care about me and you and other people he just says dumb stuff' both belittling and brushing off his behavior. other family members did the same thing whenever he came up as a topic of conversation, or they'd get mad at me for bringing up his political views at all. and that's how you end up with a leopard eating YOUR face.
i'm sorry how do you "find out" your bf is a trump supporter. when i'm getting to know someone I always want to hear their political opinions lol like I can't imagine being in a relationship with someone who never shared that? how do you discuss the news??
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chrissv4mp · 3 days ago
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𐙚 ᯓ stupid crush — ᡣ𐭩
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she didn't understand why she felt like this, why she felt so... warm. especially when you were around. any time you even came within a 5 feet radius of her, she'd feel like she was going to explode. her cheeks would heat up, and she wouldn't know how to act, what to say—she didn't even know how to breathe when you were around her. which reminded her... you were lying right on her chest, and that only made the struggle to breathe worse. she hopes you didn't notice, but with the way your hand ran across her stomach so often, she was sure you might've caught on earlier than she expected. billie had been the one to invite you over after you got off your shift, and you happily accepted her invitation because she was never really the one to ask.
so, here you were, your bodies laying on her bed as a song from your shared playlist plays at a low volume from the speaker on her nightstand. the rain from outside hit her window, the quiet pitter-patter noises making the whole scene complete. it was something straight out of some classic friends-to-lovers film. her bedside lamp was on, lighting the room up just enough so that you could see her face and she could see yours. she was counting each of the little freckles on your face as you shut your eyes, relaxing into her. she ran a hand through your hair, her fingers scratching your scalp so softly, so carefully as she lulled you even further into a sleepy state of mind. she was praying you didn't hear the fast beating of her heart as she held you, not moving too much because she was scared that she'd do something wrong and you'd leave.
she grabbed her phone from her pocket, careful not to make too much noise as she unlocked her phone and went into her voice notes. she was sure you were asleep by now, your gentle breathing and quiet demeanor, a crystal clear sign. but, as she played the most recent one, titled 'stupid crush,' she regretted not making sure that you were actually asleep. her voice erupted from the speaker on her nightstand, and the first words that were heard were, "this is fucking stupid. i... love y/n. there was that—?" until billie finally came to her senses and paused it, the music resuming almost immediately. if her heart wasn't racing, it sure as hell was now. you stirred in your... sleep?—daze?—she didn't know, but now you were looking directly into her eyes with the... softest expression on your face. your eyes spoke for you, but billie was sure she was misreading the smile that began to creep onto your face. you were going to laugh. make fun of her—
"what's so 'fucking stupid' about that?" you giggle softly, voice slightly raspy and eyes glossed over with multiple emotions. all of which were for billie to decipher because she knew damn well she wasn't gonna get any answers from between your pretty pink lips until she finally admitted her feelings. but she didn't know what to say, and not even the music playing softly in the background calmed her anymore. she shut off her phone, tossing it to the empty side of the bed as she gulped quietly, "tell me, i'm quite interested." you sat up, sitting on her lap as you always did because you could never not be at least somewhat in her personal space. maybe that's part of what helped develop her crush on you. her stupid crush. on you. her best friend, of all people. she cleared her throat of the suffocating feeling as she sat up straighter, body tensing as she hopelessly murmured, "because you're my best friend. we're—y/n, we can't be—"
"who says we can't be together?" you scoff, a half-amused, half-annoyed look on your face. when she blinked, it was like you were a million miles closer to her, your lips inches apart, breath fanning over her face. she gulped again, eyes scurrying over to the empty side of the bed, biting on her lip nervously as she tried to think about what to say. it wasn't like she didn't want you to be her girlfriend, she was just... scared of messing it all up. when you cupped her cheek and turned her head back towards you, her eyes widened, "gimme one reason." you whisper, eyes darting down to her plump lips as you scoot closer to her body, shorts riding up your thighs. she doesn't respond, feeling frozen in the same song that just ended began to play again through the speaker, "billie," you murmur, lips only inches away from hers, almost brushing against each other as your hand travels down and wraps around the back of her neck, pulling her in closer. when your other hand comes up to her shoulder, she only then decides to speak, "because it'll be ten times harder to let you go."
"then you better hold me tight so that won't happen." you whisper before your lips crash softly against hers, pulling her closer by her neck. she doesn't pull away, your words slowly processing in her head as her own hands cautiously grab a hold of your waist, almost pulling you onto her lower abdomen in an attempt to get you closer. she wanted you two to be whole, even after all the doubt she spat out before. your words sunk deep into her heart, and now she didn't have a worry in the world. as long as you were with her, everything would be fine. she'd just have to hold you. close. tight. secure. as long as possible... and maybe even forever. she smirks against your mouth as she feels your tongue run across her lower lip, pulling away only a few inches as she opens her eyes, staring deeply into yours and never looking away, "so... i guess i should rename the voice note 'stupid girlfriend,' now?" she giggles as you roll your eyes, pushing her shoulder softly, "i think you're the stupid one."
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𐙚 amiyaps : guys the landing of my flight scared the absolute SHIT out of me... cus tell me why we were dropping so fast bro 🙁
𐙚 tags : @mseilishmwah @sophloveswomen @mxqdii @livialifesblog @devynscomet @her-favorite @cannibalsclass @wiidfi0wer33 @loving1dsworld @tan1shere @fallingforfalll2 @cierraonline @dandelions4us @scarlittt @ifwdominicfike @slxtarchive @meliciousmel13 @zayluvss @hrtsdollie
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writingmeraki · 1 day ago
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enemy!rafe cameron hcs !
ft. older!maybank!sibling
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★ prng. rafe cameron x older!maybank!sibling, e2l ★ gnr. angst, fluff, unresolved feelings ★ wrngs. cussing, jealousy, alcohol, violence, age gap ( reader is older ), mentions of parental issues ( for the sake of this, jj and reader don't have parents. ) w.c 3.7k ( yeah so um....) | a/n at the end.
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older!maybank!sibling who finally graduated and is headed home.
After all the years of hardwork and the distance from home, you're headed back to where it all began for you.
It's been a while. You've changed. A lot. Not just physically but also as a person. When you'd gone out of the town you'd grown up in, you didn't think you'd be able to make it out in the ‘real’ world. Considering how your brother and you basically had to fend for yourselves due to not having your parents, you really didn't know what would happen to you outside.
Outside of your home and if you'd survive. But you still took the leap, four years back, and you can't say you regret it. You were grateful for having John B’s father promise to take care of JJ, and you think leaving him was the hardest part. He understood you though, in fact was the one who supported you the most to get out of the town.
Yet no matter what the little island still seems the only thing unchanged, with its weather to the sand on the beach. The familiar houses, the roads, the sounds, everything was all the same. 
But who changed was your brother and his friends. 
older!maybank!sibling is immediately thrown into a hug the moment JJ spots them.
You couldn't stop the tears and the shock that ran through you once you saw him. He looked…different. In a way as though he matured over the years. His look, his height, his hair, his eyes, everything seemed different. Of course you maintained contact with him in the years, but you never went back for any of the holidays. Due to the fact, you were sure you'd not head back to your college. And your brother knew that, he made sure you didn't feel alone. 
His friends, you remembered all of them, were just as surprised to see you as you were them. They all definitely looked much more mature than when you remember them as the scrawny kids you'd last seen. 
John B, Kiara, Pope, and someone you'd never met before Sarah. Sarah Cameron. You were familiar with her family but not enough as you liked to stay out of places you knew you weren't welcome. And yes, you didn't forget the ‘hierarchies’ that were there.
You still did find them stupid. Though, she was a huge surprise. She didn't seem like the arrogant assholes you remembered how the other side of the island were stereotyped as. 
In fact, it seemed she knew you for years from the way you got along as if you'd also known her the way you knew his other friends. She told you how JJ never once stopped talking about you, how you'd think, what you'd be doing at the moment and all the other stories he has of you. You would endlessly tease to him how much he missed you.
older!maybank!sibling who's crowded at the first bonfire party they ever attend in the years.
You saw many familiar faces, very few new ones. But all in all, the night was mostly just you being caught up on what you'd miss. Which was really, not much. You were told how most days, the Pogues, all they did was their adventures and you were told of what they'd done in the past years.
Some stories made you very concerned, some made you proud while in all, there was a part of you that wished was also there. While they had stories, you had the same to give.
Stories of college party nights, your group of friends you'd managed to make after so much trial and error, which you also did inform them of all, but now you were sure that you found the ones who you'd also likely be attending their weddings. ( Lifelong college friendships >> ).
You promised them that you would make them all meet each other. You also showed the new piercings and tattoos you'd gotten. It was on your bucket list before you left and you finally got it fulfilled. 
Along with you coming back, also came your overprotective older sibling persona, which made you heavily judge JJ for overconsuming so much alcohol. You had to snatch away the glass as he threw himself on you and whined about how he was just very happy to finally see you. You shook your head with a smile as you looked at him fondly, caressing his hair. You replied, “I know, Jaybird, I know.” 
And his eyes lit up from the nickname you gave him since you were a kid, it was something between you two only and only fate knows how much he missed someone (you) calling him that even though he hated it as a kid. 
older!maybank!sibling done for the day and heading to call it a night as the crowd filters out slowly.
You weren't aware of the new people who joined in later, considering you'd gone to take a call from your friend wondering if you'd reached home. The conversation took a while which meant you didn't realize what had happened. 
You gasped when you went back to JJ, seeing the big bruise on his cheek as he sat down with a face of rage and annoyance. “What the fuck?!” You wondered how you didn't even realize what had happened until you heard another voice. Spinning around, you came face to face with him. 
It took you a minute to recognise the guy standing in front of you. 
Rafe Cameron. 
From what you recalled, he was a kid who always stuck to his father. You rarely ever saw him and were surprised to remember him too but you think his very blue eyes made you recall him. He…he definitely had a change. A glow up, but you won't admit it.
His height has grown, making him almost a head taller than you, his face got much sharper, and the scowl on his lips shouldn't look that…attractive. His hair ruffled, strands of it laying perfectly on his forehead like he was some sort of perfect mess. 
And that's when it clicked again, he was Sarah’s brother too. 
Him though. He was just as, maybe even more surprised to see you. It took him a minute and a bit of internal questioning about how someone like you was talking to someone like Maybank. 
Then, he remembered. His older sibling. You were Maybank’s older sibling. 
He was a bit, no actually he was completely baffled by you. He heard around how you'd left, often even used you to spew insults at JJ. But he didn't expect you to look like that. He gulped when he realized he might have been staring for too long before directing his stare at JJ. Right, his initial target. 
Your eyes darted between your brother and back to Rafe. You raised an eyebrow as you saw him holding his hand. Injured hand. And that's when it hit you. 
With a menacing scowl, you spat at him. “You did this?” You pointed at his bruised cheek.  
JJ flinched at your tone, not used to it being so harsh. While Rafe seemed to go speechless as his mouth opened to respond but couldn't due to his tongue feeling weirdly heavy. It was so fucking stupid of him. Normally, he'd have jumped at the chance to mock, but it seemed he couldn't at the moment.
The next thing you knew, before you could even comprehend, you just took a deep breath, your eyes darting back to JJ’s who might have been getting an idea of what you were about to do as his own widened and he shook his head. With a scoff, you turned back to Rafe and stepped closer. 
And before he could even think, he felt his face being whipped to the left sharply. You might not have had the same strength or force in your slap, but you were sure it would leave a mark. You weren't even the violent type, but for your brother, you'd kill anyone who dared to even harm him. 
“Next time, don't even think about hurting him. Because I can do worse, got it…Rafe?” 
Rafe didn't even know how to respond. Everything was so quick, and all he really felt was the sharp sting in his cheek. The way you said his name, the way you fucking remembered who he was. It was too much at once. He didn't even realize he might have just nodded and how he just remained frozen in the spot. It wasn't like he was not used to being hurt, especially when confronting JJ, a little violence was always there, but he was taken aback by you, your entire presence that he couldn't even say something. 
Glaring at him with as much hatred you could, you moved back to your brother and his friends. Annoyed that now your hand stung and you carefully took your brother back to John B’s.  
It was chaos between the rest of his friends. All wondering, how you'd even manage to go unscathed but you just shrugged and scowled that he got what he deserved but probably also deserved much more. Even worse. 
older!maybank!sibling realizing they may have just started something they were never ready for.
After the little incident, it hit Rafe just how humiliated you also made him. His ego, which was his one firm thing in his life, was hurt. And after this thinking, mostly Topper just made him question why he just stood there like an idiot and let some…some pogue slap him like that. Now following this realization, he made sure to worsen his supposed ‘reign’ over the rest of the Pogues. 
Yet. If you were present with them, it was as though you had him in a trance. He couldn't do anything, say, or let alone look at you without feeling…nervous. And this made him even more mad at himself because it wasn't the ‘scared’ nervousness that ran through him, it was more so how there seemed to be a fucking zoo in his entire chest near you. He felt his stomach drop too sometimes. 
Now that you were updated about what exactly Rafe Cameron was upto and continued to do, which was to be a pain in the ass to the Pogues, your impression of him went down the drain.
Not that it was much anyways considering he did harm your baby brother. But now all you felt when you spotted him was pure hatred. 
This resulted in you biting back at him and his words when he decided to have a go at the others. Your words, never ones you knew you could even say, were laced with rage and venom and your eyes shone the same. 
Your medium of communication with him was insults and bickering, but it seemed he seized the physical violence after that day. 
older!maybank!sibling getting to their wits end during one of the ‘regular’ confrontations with Rafe.
It was another party, something you came to knew was a very regular thing now. It was the usual insults spat at each other, until you finally just walked away. You didn't even know why you engaged in the argument. Didn't even understand, why in God's name you continued to maintain these fights when you were someone who was calm. Being a violent teenager was what you left in the past, it wasn't like you. 
Deciding you'd had enough, you went for a drink. There you met, one of the guys, who you became friends with when you came back, Mark.
Mark was pretty sweet, meeting him during one of these parties too a while back, and you'd even exchanged numbers that day, remembering it so clearly due to the fact that Rafe Cameron wasn't even there then. You'd been level headed that day, and spoken to others around and clicked with Mark instantly. 
Mark had gone for some time out of town for his work, but he was back. You even recalled him messaging you how he'd be joining the bonfire tonight. It was surely a delight to see him again. 
He hugged you shortly after you said hi and you were happy to return the gesture. You continued to talk to him as he gave you your drink. Your conversation felt light, not something that would make you want to rip your hair out the way most of your conversations with Rafe went. And you wondered why in God's name were you thinking of him. 
Seeing you so close to a guy he didn't even know, Rafe to say the least, was pissed. Annoyed and pissed.
He scoffed at the way you leaned in closer to him. You had that stupid look on your face where your eyes twinkled and your smile was so bright, it made his heart leap in annoyance. He couldn't stand it. 
Next thing, he knew, he walked up to you both and greeted you sarcastically. Looking at the guy, he noticed that he was taller, which made him feel a slight sense of accomplishment as he stood straight. And Rafe wasn't someone who felt unattractive.
He knew he was hot and he acted like it too. So as he did get a closer look at the guy, he did know he was much better looking.
“Finally, did someone manage to tame you Maybank?” 
Your eyes were already narrowed in suspicion the moment you caught him walking towards you, and you scowled at his words.  You questioned about why he was even bothering you again, when he began to laugh humorlessly at your questioning. 
“Why I'm just concerned, ‘couldn't find guys there who could stand you there so you're targeting the innocent ones here?” 
Before you could even lunge at him, Mark gently held your arm and your gaze shifted back to him. 
Oh this did not go unnoticed by Rafe. It made him even more pissed.
He laughed even more, out of spite, ‘So I was right huh, you are tamed now.” 
You'd had enough.
Pulling away from Mark, you sized up to Rafe and looked him dead in the eye, poking your index finger to his chest.
“Listen to me Rafe. You're a piece of shit who thinks he owns everyone and their lives because you think you're the fucking king of the world or something when in reality, you're a stupid little kid who's projecting his daddy issues onto others. Who the fuck even are you without your last name huh? You're always seeking your daddy’s approval to do shit and think you own the world because of that. Well you're wrong, you're nothing, without your name, without him, you're just a sore fucking loser who doesn't even know an ounce of how life works.” 
It was all your frustration, all the anger and the annoyance caused by him that led up to your explosion. You knew everything about him, and this was when you finally exploded about what you really thought of him. 
But. Instead of him immediately answering you. He stood there frozen. 
You felt the worst fucking dread beginning to build up in your stomach when you saw the emotions in his eyes.  
…Hurt. Sadness. As if it wasn't expected of you to say that. And it wasn't. He knew he got on your nerves but it was so fucking idiotic of him to think you thought of him otherwise. 
And the worst part was….you were right. 
Stepping back, you took a deep breath and scanned his face. It was still the same, no remarks, nothing, now his entire expression went blank too. You shouldn't feel the guilt building up in you as you went over what you said. It was too much, maybe you crossed a line too. 
Without another word, he simply flickered his gaze to the floor and looked back up at you. Nothing, he showed no emotion as he turned around and walked away from you.
older!maybank!sibling wondering how the hell did they end up at a point where now they felt guilty for Rafe Cameron out of all people? 
It took many sleepless nights to make you think over your words. You knew Rafe’s issues with his…father. Sarah had told you so and at that time, a part of you did feel terrible for him. And now you'd ended up using those same issues as insults to his face. This wasn't like you.
You weren't someone, no matter what, who would use these types of things as insults. But you tried justifying your actions with how he'd been treating you the past weeks, how he hit your brother too. It was of no use, you still felt like…you stooped far too low. 
With this too, Rafe stopped. He completely stopped his insults, bickering and petty fights not only with you but the rest of the Pogues. It was as if he'd chosen to just ignore your entire existence whenever you'd accidentally stumbled into him anywhere. 
You felt a bit sick when your brother happily told you how Rafe stopped bothering everyone, even his own sister, because of what you'd done. You obviously told them of what happened but…maybe not the entire truth. You didn't mention what exactly you'd told him. 
You feared they'd all somehow judge you. You hated it. And most importantly, you hated how much you were actively looking for Rafe. 
For what? He stopped bothering you which was what you wanted but…but it was weird. 
Weird how you needed to just…talk to him. Probably…apologize too.
older!maybank!sibling who gets the chance.
It was after weeks, you'd see Rafe again. It had been weeks of peace for sure, but it was weirdly quiet. Sometimes, you get used to all the chaos and crave peace but when you finally have it, you oddly in a fucked up way, miss the chaos. It was stupid. 
You'd been walking alongside the ocean, clearing your mind because the past weeks felt tiring. The sand sunk beneath your steps as you mindlessly walked with your gaze down. When you spotted a figure in the distance, you wondered if it was someone like you who also was seeking comfort from the sea.
You paused when you got closer and realised who it was. 
Rafe.
The one who was the cause of your own haywire. 
It seemed at first he didn't notice you. Which gave you the time to think whether or not this was the moment to finally do what you'd been wanting since a while. 
Going against your better judgment which screamed at you that you got rid of the annoyance in your life and now you were heading right back at him, you moved ahead.
He was startled when he heard soft footsteps and froze when he turned his gaze and saw you.
You the one who'd made him contemplate so much about his life with just some stupid words. You who made him question his feelings because no matter how clear he could hate on others, it seemed he couldn't find it in him to do the same with you. 
‘Hey.’ You began softly, and pointed beside him, ‘Do you uh…mind? 
He didn't even think before he nodded.
After a beat of silence where you let the waves fill in, you spoke up “Look. I'm sorry. I'm sorry for what I said. And I do regret bringing up your…life like that but honestly it is the truth.” 
You can't say you didn't expect the scoff that followed after your words, and it made you realize just how much you…you sorta missed seeing him, his face. Rafe Cameron was an oddity to you and your feelings. 
“How about this? You don't need to accept my apology but truce?” 
He didn't speak up when he processed your words, or didn't care enough to because his gaze darted towards your stuck out hand. 
“I…I really didn't mean it. That's what you should know.” 
He seemed to be in thought for a moment, your guilt filled eyes consuming his mind for the moment and making him gulp at the way they twinkled under the moonlight. You…you really still manage to steal his breath away without ever trying. 
“Fine. But you still need to make up for it.” He made his mind and took your hand in his. Shaking it. His hand engulfed yours fully and you can't say you hated the way it contrasted your coldness. It was warm and like…like it was a perfect fit. 
At his words, you laughed in disbelief, “Me? Make up for it? You were the one who kept pushing me!” 
“Is that giving up I hear? I thought we called a truce, Maybank?” Rolling your eyes, you stood up, feeling already a tad bit better than before. 
“Ugh whatever Cameron, of course you'd only agree to something if you could find a way to get your own benefit.” 
You didn't want to admit it but there was definitely less venom to your tone, in fact it seemed you were now…joking with him. 
He stood up, running his hand over his hair and shook his head, and it was the first in a while you saw his lips turn up, the small gesture making you freeze, and you hoped he didn't notice.
“You know me so well.” 
His words shouldn't have affected you the way they did, but you gulped as he stared right into your eyes when he did say them. It was intense. A lot, all at once.
And so you looked away, pretending to roll your eyes as you calmed your heartbeat. Shaking your head, you turned around when his voice stopped you in your tracks.
“What no goodbye, new friend?” 
You turned your head towards him, in more disbelief at the word, and blinked at him. It was like he enjoyed baffling you because he chuckled like the idiot he was, “Well I'll say it then, Night Maybank, looking forward to being friends then.” 
With that he turned around and went the opposite way as you continued to stare at where he had been standing. Rafe Cameron just joked around with you…like a normal human being…? 
Maybe you did end up passing out of something and this was all a weird ass dream. Pinching yourself, you felt the pain and winced, realizing this was the actual reality. 
Well then, you guess you should look forward to how exactly you were now going to deal with your new friend. And the weird flutters that never seemed to seize as you recalled the way his genuine laugh seemed to sleep right into your bones and make you melt. 
You were fucked. 
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a/n : something new, enjoy. ( new format 🙏) lowkey made this cause i dont have time to write a fic rn :"))) also yes no parents bcoz it would be more...heavy if I included that so just enjoy the beef b/w reader and rafe :D also yes i ended it there bcoz i will see if this is liked by the audience ( you ) and decide to invest more time to write this duo....i do have some ideas planned but do let me know what you think!!! sibling bcoz i write gn mostly if you're new here :D
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all written works as well as images and edits (unless credited) belong to pri. do not plagiarise, repost, re-edit or claim as yours. pics mostly found on pinterest.
writingmeraki Ⓒ 2024
feedback is always appreciated 💌 ! links : main navi ! | misc masterlist | main masterlist | info !
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loverslodge · 2 days ago
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after the date
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Bucky was stunned by the way Steve had talked to you. He too felt like a prized pony but there had to be a better way of putting things, weren't there? One of them made you cry. Bucky couldn't remove the sight of your face when Steve said those things. He swore he heard your heart break. Your tears were an added bonus that wrenched his own heart.
Steve was seething. He felt used. He had the same feeling he had felt when he had broken up with Sharon. This was it, wasn't it? This was his life. A famous person, up on a pedestal, just to look good. But something else cracked. When he saw your broken face, he knew he overstepped, he knew he said things he shouldn't have. He didn't mean it like that. But you had left. Left before he could even realize he fucked up.
………………….
The journey back to the compound was eerily quiet. Bucky wasn't talking to Steve and neither did Steve initiate any discussion.
Bucky knew he should say something but he was too pissed off. If he started talking, punches would have flown with them so he kept quiet. Held himself off. He looked down at his hand to see the bag of books with that single rose you had given him in the morning.
Steve was fidgeting in the seat. He was holding the rose you had given him that morning. You had said you show how you feel because you were never good with words. Was this you showing something? Had he missed something?
As soon as the car stopped in the garage, Bucky jumped out and stomped in the compound. Steve ran after him to talk but Bucky had already slipped in the elevator and had gone up to their shared apartment.
As soon as Steve entered the apartment, a punch flew to his mouth, staggering him. He was ready to counter attack but seeing it was an enraged Bucky, he let it go. Steve did deserve a punch after what he did.
“What the fuck is wrong with you? Why would you end a perfect date like that?” Bucky needed answers.
“It was the right thing to do. We were slipping way too much into her life. It was a fake date.” Steve went to his room and gently put his rose on the side table.
“Come out here. Talk. I'm not letting this behaviour of yours slide.” Bucky demanded.
Steve stomped out. “You are not my boyfriend to demand this kind of shit from me.”
“Is this what it's about? A pent up 100 year old hold up?”
“No. This is about us not addressing the issues. I was in love with Peggy and not you. You were just there and that kiss was a drunken mistake.”
“I don't care about any of that. Let's call it a mistake, fine. But what was that tonight? You made her cry.”
“I told her the truth.”
“There are ways of telling the truth, Steve. You are the gentle one. What the fuck happened back there? Why did you just jump guns?” Bucky walked very close to Steve. He wanted to slap his face and put some sense into it.
Bucky poked and pushed him with the question again and again because Steve kept on ignoring him.
“I got jealous, okay? I got jealous, thinking that there could have been more candidates and she would have picked someone else over us. Us, Bucky. I don't even care if she chose you. I was happy that it was me and you and not me or you. She accepted us together. But got jealous thinking if someone else had responded before us then she would've gone.” Steve ran his hands over his hair and face.
“So you weren't jealous of me being with her?”
“God no! I really liked seeing you with her. It made me happy to see you happy with her.”
Steve held Bucky by the shoulders and looked him in the eye. Steve was on the verge of tears for what he did to you.
“Then why the fuck did you say that to her?” Bucky asked him in a quiet tone.
“I got angry. I acted rash and dumb. I- shit. I feel so guilty. She was nothing but incredible. Every time there was sadness in her eyes, she would push it aside and smile for us. She did so well the entire day and I ruined it. I ruined her perfect day.” Steve sat with his head in his hands.
“Didn't we jump to this because it was all no strings attached and no expectations? Then why were there strings and expectations?” Bucky wasn't just asking it to Steve but to himself as well.
“Maybe because of her.” They both looked at each other, understanding what Steve was trying to say. “It was all her. She just- she's an angel, Buck. Sweet, kind and adorable little angel. If just looking at her made us think that then imagine how much we felt when we talked to her.”
“She drew strings without knowing. We were so confident in proving that we won't have expectations but her being unconditional about everything just broke our confidence, didn't it?” Bucky stared down at his hands. “She expected nothing. She even went as far as to open herself bare to us without expecting us to do something about it.”
“She was ready to leave us alone once the day was over, did you know that?” Steve looked at Bucky who looked at him with wide eyes.
“How do you know that?”
“I read her memos. She was getting gelato for us in the park and her memo fell out. She was detailed about today. She had written it down. Underline and everything! She really dove head first without asking for anything in return.”
Bucky and Steve sat in silence. Today had brought a lot of clarity to them. One of them being that they belonged together but not alone. They belonged together with you.
Sure, Bucky and Steve have had their moments with each other but they never talked about it. But it seemed like after today, there needed to be a lot of clarifications. Both of them spent hours talking and clarifying.
They were both in bed, next to each other. Still wanting to talk about the most important thing, you.
“So, I know we just started something new but what about Angel?” Steve really did want you in their lives.
“I was thinking the same thing. I know we have us but it feels, I don't know, empty. Today, with her, I felt like we were complete.” Bucky shifted and looked at Steve.
“You know, I felt so much at ease with her. Like she wasn't expecting me to just burst my heart open for her every two seconds. I felt very calm with her. I just wish I hadn't said those things. We would've gotten more time with her. Maybe talk to her. Ask her if she wanted this to be something real.”
“We didn't even get to say goodbye. You know, after the dinner, I was going to ask her if she would be willing to spend another day with us. I've never felt like this before, you know. Except with you. I felt very comfortable with her.”
There was a moment of silence between them.
“So we're okay with a third being with us. And we want that third to be her and only her. Correct?” Steve summarized their thoughts.
“Correct. Our Angel. We need to talk to her.”
“Do you think she'll want to talk to me after what I said?” Steve’s voice turned sad.
“Of course she will. We will not let a misunderstanding get in our way. We will win her back.” Bucky was determined.
“You know, I think I know why she came up with this no expectation thing.” Steve looked at Bucky
“Why?” Bucky was curious to know Steve’s interpretation.
“Because no one fought for her. After listening to her story, it's very clear. While she tried her best, when she left, no one was there to tell her to not go. It was as if nobody cared.” Steve had tears in his eyes.
“Then we show her. We show her that we will fight for her. We want her and she is it for us. We will show her. Maybe we can mend her heart the way she's mending ours.” Bucky patted Steve and rubbed his arm to give him confidence.
……………….
It had been two weeks since the date went horribly wrong. You had been in a sad rut since then. Many times tears welled up in your eyes thinking about the time you spent with them.
First three days you spent thinking about how you had been feeling the same way about the two of them. Whatever affection you were feeling for them was, surprisingly, in an equal amount. There was no leaning towards one over the other, it was leaning towards them.
You spent time trying to sort your affections. Two men? How? Is this even right? Are they together? It felt like they were. Was what you did right? Did you get between two people?
But then you slipped back into the dark thoughts not being loveable. Your mind went into overthinking how your past relationships made no attempt in exactly loving you. You aren’t just an arc of rainbow but you are also the rain. They only loved the rainbow.
You had spent two weeks mulling over your idea of love as well. Maybe Steve was right. Maybe you are looking for a broken love. But how could you not? You have become a broken person. You had become this shell of a love that kept on giving but received nothing in return.
It was Saturday and you were sitting in your favourite cafe, working on your laptop. Your table was littered with your heavily sweetened drinks. You might've been on your tenth cup, or that's what you assumed when you thought you were hallucinating two super soldiers swaggering towards you.
“Hey Angel.” Bucky’s dazzling smile was blinding you and your eyes were dry as is.
Bucky’s smooth voice was pulling you more into your dreamland. More like, you had been so stressed and sleep deprived that everything looked like a hallucination.
“Angel, are you okay? Your eyes are very glassy.” Steve crouched down to look at your eyes better. His heart wrenched at the sight of the redness of them and heavy bags under your eyes.
“Buck, I don't think she’s well. Maybe we should take her back to her place and talk to her next time.” Steve was getting very worried about you.
“I'm fine. Nothings wrong. I just…” and you were about to topple off the chair when Steve caught you by your shoulder and leaned you against him.
“Ok, that's it. Buck, grab her things and find her keys, we're taking her home.”
Your eyes were glassy but you distinctly remember Steve picking you up and Bucky smoothing out your hair from your face before they got walking.
Once they reached your apartment, Bucky carried you and your things while Steve had rushed to open your door. Bucky walked in and went straight for your bedroom and laid you down. You tried to get up to change but he just pushed you back on the bed.
“Please. I wanna change. Very uncomfortable.” You were feeling delirious.
“Angel, I don't want you falling.” Bucky held your waist as you made your way to grab your comfiest pjs.
“What are you doing, Angel? Get back to bed.” Steve walked in the bedroom to check up on you but seeing you walking around with Bucky supporting you concerned him.
“Let go. Gotta change.” You wriggled your way out of Bucky’s arms and stumbled into the bathroom, locking it.
“Angel, did you just lock the bathroom? You'll fall down. How are we supposed to help you?” Steve knocked on the door to make sure you’re fine.
“You're supers, you can break in.” You called out from the bathroom. You washed your face and finished your business. You stumbled a little but managed to grab onto the doorknob. You twisted it and stumbled out in the waiting arms of two super soldiers.
“Alright, Angel. Let's go to bed.” Bucky tucked you in the middle of the bed, making sure you have no way of getting up.
The two men were about to leave your room when your soft whisper traveled through the room. “Please don't go.”
Your small plea made them weak in the knees and they almost fell to their feet. You were definitely looking like an angel, laying on your bed with glassy eyes. They took off their shoes and got in the bed, one side each.
Their jeans brushed against your thighs and so you got a bit more aware. You pouted at Bucky and asked them to remove their jeans and shirts because they were making you uncomfortable.
They were shocked by it but did what you asked anyway. They were now laying beside you in just their briefs. You shuffled and turned to Steve who was looking at you just like you had always wished for and so was Bucky.
You put your hands on their cheeks and brushed your thumbs against their cheeks. “Please look at me just like that.” Your hands slipped down and you snuggled into the pillow, falling asleep in the warmth of two men who have been haunting your dreams.
……………………..
Bucky and Steve stayed right where you had asked them to. Tears slipped out of Bucky’s eyes.
“This is because of us, isn't it? We are the reason why she's exhausted. We hurt our Angel. We waited way too long.” Bucky wiped his face but the lump in his throat was there to stay.
“But we're here now. We will make it right. We will take care of her. We will never hurt our Angel again.” Steve brushed some stray hair out of your face.
You shuffled in your sleep and snuggled into Steve who immediately wrapped his arms around you and shoved you deeper in his chest.
“She feels so good, Buck. I don't want to let her go.”
“We don't have to. We will go down on our knees to win her if we have to.”
Although they wanted to stay in bed with you till you wake up, they wanted to clean your apartment for you. So they both slowly got up from bed and were about to slip out when a few laminated papers caught their eyes.
They both walked to look at what it was and their mouths stayed agape. Those were the pressed roses. The same roses that they had gotten her. The roses still looked fresh and pink but pressed. Two roses had Bucky’s name on them and the other two had Steve’s.
“Every time we think she’s human, she does something that makes us think she's an angel.” Bucky walked back to bed and kissed your temple. Steve also kissed your temple before they slipped out of the room and took over the cleaning.
While Steve was cleaning the house, Bucky went to the kitchen to cook a fantastic meal for all. He had noticed your sweet tooth for chocolate so he also decided to make chocolate muffins. You surprisingly had all the ingredients for baking but not much for cooking. Bucky sent Steve to buy ingredients to make lasagna and till then he whipped up cupcake batter.
Bucky occasionally went to your room to check how you were doing. You shifted from one side to another but overall you were sleeping peacefully. Bucky was still only in his briefs and your cute pink apron.
Your eyes fluttered open and you looked around. You knew that it was too good to be true. You must've walked home and went to sleep. Why would they come here? You gave them nothing but grief and made them feel like you were a prize to be won which was untrue. You weren't a prize, never have been.
A smell of vanilla and chocolate hit your senses and you panicked. Who the hell is in your apartment? You tumbled out of the bed and ran in the kitchen to find a very beefy back staring back at you.
“Angel! You're up!” Bucky turned around and gave you a heart-stopping smile.
“Bu- James! What are you doing here?” You were flabbergasted.
“Angel, call me Bucky. I've told you before.” He put the tray in the oven and set the timer.
“But-”
Bucky walked up to you and wrapped his arms around you, pulling you to his chest. “Call me Bucky, Angel.”
“Bucky,” you gulped and your voice softened. “What are you doing here? And, um, is it… is it just you?” Your eyes were wide with curiosity and somewhere, at the back of them, hurt.
“Nope, not alone. Steve has gone grocery shopping for lasagna and I think I also told him to bring pizza with him.” Bucky cupped your face. “You asked us to stay, Angel and we weren't going to leave. We came to talk.”
You pried yourself out of Bucky’s arms and stood at a distance. “I- ok, well, once Steve is back, you both can leave. Sorry for all the inconvenience i caused. You don't have to do anything.”
“Angel, what-”
“I'm back! I got the pizza! Lets wake up Angel and get her to eat and-” Steve sensed a tense situation.
“She wants us to leave.” Bucky’s voice had turned into a whisper.
“What?! No! Angel, no! I- we don't want to go. We want to stay, talk.” Steve just started to beg.
“Why? You don't like me, I'm just a burden. Whatever happened to me today is my problem, not yours. Sorry for troubling you but you don't have to be polite. I'll manage.”
You had withdrawn yourself completely. You didn't deserve whatever they were giving you. You shouldn't be getting between them. You shouldn't even think about them. They deserve better than anybody but you.
“Angel? Baby? What are you talking about?” Steve walked closer to you, trapping you between him, Bucky and the wall.
“I'm just telling the truth. You don't have to take care of me. I dont des- you don't need to do this. Don't be gentlemanly. I appreciate you bringing me home but I've been a burden enough. I don't want you to feel obligated about anything.” You were fidgeting with your oversized t-shirt, unable to look them in the eyes.
“There is no obligation, Angel.” Bucky came closer and moved hair strands out of my face.
“You're not a burden. Why would you think that?” Steve put his hand on my shoulder and rubbed his thumb against my clavicle.
“It is true. Otherwise I wouldn't have put the two of you in any of those awkward positions on that day. You accepted because you expected a normal day out and I ended up making you do things against your will.” Tears ran down your cheeks as you looked at Steve. “You were right, Steve, I am looking for a broken love because that's what I deserve.”
Steve’s heart broke hearing you say that and Bucky’s eyes welled up. They had sent you off to the deep end without even realizing. They should've come to you sooner.
Steve and Bucky dragged you back to your room because you were hysterically crying, unable to breathe. They wrapped you up in your blanket. Both of them moved to each side of you and pulled you closer with your back resting on Bucky’s chest and your head resting on Steve’s.
“Angel, if you would please give us a chance to talk. We have a lot to say and it's not what you think. Will you listen?” Bucky asked the question in such a whispered voice, you couldn't help but nod your head against Steve’s chest. Your breathing had calmed down and their touch was very soothing.
“First of all, you are not a burden and you don't deserve broken love. We just- we got jealous.” Steve started putting sentences together. “Bucky held off his jealousy but I couldn't. It made me think that you had a better shot with someone else and my imagination started running wild.”
“Steve thought, and I did too even if I didn't say it out loud, that if someone else had accepted your email request then you would have picked them over us. That idea didn't sit well with us. We wanted you all to ourselves.” Bucky continued.
You sat up straight and looked at them. “But why would you get jealous?”
“Because, Angel, we fell in love with you.” Steve’s confession stopped your heart. You looked at Bucky with wide eyes expecting it to be a joke but the soft smile on his face and a nod told you it wasn't.
“We had accepted your request because it gave us a chance to experience a romantic relationship for one day without strings and expectations. That's what we thought till we actually met you.” Bucky looked at you adoringly.
“We saw you the first time and we thought what we felt was infatuation. But as the day went on, we drowned in your smile, in your laughter and all the little things you did.” Steve moved hair out of my face. “The first time we realized we were falling in love, it was at the park when we sat together. That entire time felt so… domestic, homey.”
“All that time falling in love with you, we forgot you still thought what was going on was fake.” Bucky intertwined your fingers with his. “So when you talked very casually about things, Steve got pissed and said things he shouldn't have.”
“I'm so sorry, Angel. I was being an idiot. I had never felt this way before. So at home with someone and it pissed me off that someone else could've had my home. I got jealous and I got possessive.”
Steve pressed his forehead against yours and Bucky did the same. “We're very sorry, Angel. Please forgive us.”
“But should I say sorry?” You slowly pull away to look at them. “I played with your feelings, didn't i? I should be apologizing for making you think that it was real.”
“So, it wasn't real?” Just one look in their eyes and you knew you had broken their hearts in a million pieces.
“It was! For me it was but I thought you thought I played you and I kinda did if we look at the semantics.” You started to ramble. You wanted to fix whatever this was.
“Angel, if it was real for you and if it was real for us then that means you haven't played us.” Bucky pushed their actual agenda forward. “And even if you were playing with us, which you werent, it would have been a privilege to be played by our angel.”
“Our?” You had been hearing them mentioned as theirs, not Bucky’s or Steve’s but theirs.
“That's what we actually wanted to talk about.” Steve sat up straight. It was time to ask you what they have been meaning to ask. “We have been talking about this, adjusting to this new… idea. We thought it was wrong at first but one of our dear friends helped us figure things out.”
“He means Natasha. Black Widow. Blond hair, murderous eyes, kinda okay face.” Bucky started giving you the context.
“I know who she is and she's hot. Don't put her down like that.” You used to have a crush on her before it had drifted off but you didn't need to tell them that.
“What? I-”
“Buck, not the time.” Steve put his hand on Bucky’s chest to stop him. “Back to the point. We thought hard and we only thought of you-”
“Gross.” You made a playful face that earned a chuckle from Bucky and an eye roll from Steve.
Steve pulled you closer to his body, causing you to yelp in surprise. Then you felt a pressure on your back and saw Bucky leaning his entire self on you, burying his face in the crook of your neck.
“We want you to be with us, Angel. Just us three and no one else.” Steve’s chest rumbled with confession and you found yourself blushing. “Would you like that? Being with us? You, me and Bucky?”
“None of that is going to happen if I die under the weight of an old metal person.” You groaned playfully and tried to shove Bucky over, only for him roll on you entirely, crushing you against Steve.
“Bubye Steve. This is the end of the line for me. I'll see you on the other side.” Your muffled speech could be heard through your groans. “Write on my tombstone. Death by Bucky, a heavy cuddler who wouldn't leave his girlfriend room to breathe.”
Hearing you say the last line. They both sprang up and looked at you.
“What? Why are you looking at me like that?”
“Did you just say you're our girlfriend?” Bucky asked excitedly. If they had tails, it would've wagged itself off their asses.
You rolled your eyes at them and smiled widely with blush creeping up your cheeks. “Yes.”
They both attacked you in a hug and made sure to leave you room to breathe. You couldn't help but giggle and laugh at their excitement.
“We promise not to mess things up this bad.” Steve kissed your temple.
“But I do want to see the list of men whom you sent the emails to. Gotta know whom to brag against.” Bucky pulled you closer to his chest and kissed the crook of your neck, making you shiver.
All three of you got up from the bed and made your way to the kitchen because your stomach wouldn't stop making rumbling noises.
Once they had fed you well, their words, not yours, all three of you chose to cuddle back in your bed to watch one of the many rom-coms that were your favourites. You looked at both of your sides to see them intensely watching what made you happy.
“Hey guys,” you said, making them look at you. “Thank you so much for looking at me like that.”
“Always, Angel. Forever and always.”
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threepandas · 1 day ago
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Bad End: Century Demons
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The steam engine blasted vapor into the air. Cacophonous chatter from the crowds all around us, pressing like a physical weight. I truely did hate traveling. Granted, there was nothing for it, we were needed. Being their Majesty's Special Task Force and all. But STILL! Awful. Just, awful!
It was the pushing, really. The constant shoving. Flashs of insight into lives I wanted nothing to do with. That individual? Marriage was collapsing. This one? Had debts. The girl who just stepped on my foot, thought she was in love, but honestly? Any adult could tell you how badly it was going to end. He was using her.
Frankly, I wish we could walk. At this point? I would honestly take a flipping DONKEY! But nooooo! What has my husband decided to do? "Let's take the TRAIN, darling! It'll be an ADVENTURE! Save so much TIME!"
He's lucky I married him AT ALL. Fuck. I HAD options! Could have been a Baron's wife. Well-to-do! But NO, I wanted to HELP people. Like a FOOL. Gods, my mother was RIGHT! Cute air-heads WOULD be the death of-!
I finally spot Arthur, the sweet idiot, looking lost by our baggage. Map in hand. Like a confused puppy told to do arithmetic or be scolded, his anxiety is palpable. I gather my skirts and shove. Fuck being polite. Everyone ELSE seems to be fine, being stampeding herd animals. Why not I? Move!
"O-Oh thank goodness! Darling!" Arthur gasps, nearly dropping the map as he reaches for me as I get close. His eye are wide and his expression frazzled. Tone as though someone has been compressing his chest. "There are-! There are so many PATHS! I didn't-! And I-! Oh dear. W-what do we do? Darling, I can't-! It's so-!"
Damn it! I KNEW this would happen! This was an awful idea! Reaching for my husband's face, I cup his cheeks, propriety be damned. Pull him close to press his forhead against mine. Match my breath, dear. Focus, darling, just... focus. Close your eyes. You do not See. Curse crowded places and what they do to us. We should have moved to the countryside years ago.
But no, no Arthur would never leave his Sister. And I'll not leave him behind. Damn it all, why? WHY?
Why did she have to pick the Nobility Route?
It was bad enough, remembering this world "wasn't real". That it had a "plot" for Gods sake. Bad ENOUGH to realize that the monster under the bed very much WERE a real and present threat, that I SHOULD be concerned about. But fool that I am? Did I HAVE to fall in love with the Protagonist's brother? Sweet and foolish? A simple, if air headed man? Apparently!
All I could do, now, was try to protect him. Try and protect myself.
Ignore the nasty, judging looks, being sent our way. Piss off! The lot of you! I took no vows to YOU. Stood in no church! There us exactly ONE person in the train station I care about, and it is NONE of you, so keep your snide opinions to yourself! Breathe, Arthur. There we go, dear.
Pulling back slightly, I check his eyes. They flick and track things unseen. He is still unusually pale. He... he will be rather disappointed. He was excited to try the trains. To him? They are a bold new technology.
Maybe once we get farther from the city. Here, at least, he is drowning.
Then, a change. Sudden and swiftly building. Whatever Paths my husband traced were disappearing, narrowing, even as terror sweeped across his face. Only twice I had ever seen this before. Once, was an earthquake. The largest seen in over 400 years. The other? A bombing just before the royal wedding, we had been still engaged then. But the way he had frozen? Mid-sentence?
It is BURNED into my mind. Just like the horror that followed.
Bellowing, I command everyone to get out. Evacuate.
NOW.
But already... it is too late. Down the line of the train, terrible symbols flash into being. Molten red metal, on the side of the train cars themselves, instants before the BLOW. Unspeakable shrapnel bombs. Made of people and metal and MAGIC. The train cars lifted from the tracks by the knock back, smashing into fleeing crowds, even as the next car goes off. And then the next. And the next.
A writhing chain of death.
Like the dying spasms if a great snake.
My husband is frozen. No. As I drag him down? I realize with horror, worse. Seizing. It has NEVER been this bad! What is HAPPENING?! What Path is he SEEING that could cause such OVERLOAD? Terrified, I watch as thin trails of blood, seep from his eyes, his nose. Oh Gods. Oh GODS! Arthur? ARTHUR!
Love! Stay with me! Please! D-Darling, Please! Focus on my voice! You have to let them GO! Close your EYES, Arthur! Don't look! Please, DON'T LOOK! It's KILLING YOU!
"That's rather the point."
I stop. From on the ground, where I crawl. Dragging my unresponsive husband to safety. My gaze finally whips around to ahead of us. Amongst the chaos... stands a conductor. Pressed uniform clean and hair entirely too long. His eyes... oh Gods, his EYES. I do not need to touch him to know. That? THAT is not a human.
Not anymore.
Shrapnel flies harmlessly over us, but comes no where near him. As though where he stands is Forbidden to touch. All around him, those fleeing? Suffering? Do not notice him. Do not SEE. Yet, on instinct alone... avoid him.
Because, of course they do. B-because that?
That Is A Demon.
We weren't even remotely prepared for this. And even if we WERE. Everything is packed away. Pressed to the floor, all I can do? Is drag my husband close. Feel tear begin to fill my eyes and choke my throat, as I curse the Gods. Damn it. D-Damn it! I drag Arthur under me. A-as though... as though we were just... just resting at home. Cuddling, as we so often do.
I-It will be okay, darling. Come back to me. Arthur... Please...
(We promised to go together...)
"He really is useless, isn't he? Can't protect you. Couldn't warn you. Can't even die, where he's supposed to be. Really, how hard is it? To just get on the damned train? Quite inconsiderate, your worthless lump of a first husband. It really won't be hard, no doubt, to surpass him in every way."
I drag Arthur closer. Cradling his head to me chest. You'll have to go through ME, you fucking monster! It's.. it's a laughable defense. I'm tissue paper. We both are. With out supplies and the proper anti-demonics? H-he's going to SHRED us. But... but! I took a VOW.
Married this man.
I... I love him.
Even if he's not awake. Even if he's trapped in his own gifts by this BASTARD of a Demon. That's.. That's okay. I'm still here. W-We're still together. And I love him. Silly, ridiculous, air-headed fool that he is. My quite scholar. M-My best friend. I glare at the damnable creature before us.
"You really do have such lovely eyes." It notes, tilting it's head. "Does he appreciate them? Somehow, I doubt it. He makes you live in squalor, after all. Dresses you in rags and works you like an animal. You were meant for so much... more. I can feel it."
With a boneless grace he squats, bringing him closer even as I try to drag us away, he reaches out. One hand both perfectly human yet tipped with claws. In the distance, I hear doors being forced open. Commanding voices. Prayers and the glimpses of shining light. The Paladins are here.
Too late... I... I fear it is too late.
Demon skin touchs my face and I scream, as I am cast beneath the waves. It is so dark. Oh Gods. OH GODS. IT IS SO DARK. HELP ME. HELP ME! IT HURTS! It HuRtS! HELP M-!
"Shhh, drink deep and sink down, Love. I will be there to catch you. Forget about him. Forget about everything. You are made for so much more. We were meant to be together. Just let go, sweet."
"Just let go..."
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disneyismyworldforever · 1 day ago
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Title: Jealous
Pairing: Bucky Barnes x female y/n sister Odinson (to loki and thor) ~ future
Bucky Barnes x Sharon - currently together (but will break up)
Sharon x Steve (who Sharon gets caught with)
Theme: Romance, Love, Future, Relationship problems, Jealousy, Cheating.
Warning: Mention of Sex, Panties thrown.
Summary: Y/N Odinson is adopted sister to Thor and Loki, who recently has reappear to find the guy she has always had a crush on in a toxic relationship. She wants to prove to bucky they would be better couple. (Sidenote: Please go easy on me it's my first fic I've had the courage to write)
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Y/N Odinson had been away for quite some time debating if she wanted to stay on earth or live on Asgard. Being the sister to thor and loki, what type of god was she. Thor had his hammer, and loki was king of mischief. What exactly was her strength, you ask? She was the goddess of Hunting.
Meaning she knew how to track people by their scent and footprints and always found her target. Her weapon of choice was a bow and arrow she received around the same time Thor had gotten his hammer. Being the youngest of the three of them, she knew they would be protective of her. Unless it was loki, you were asking. Loki didn't general care for Y/N, just like Thor. However, Thor and Y/N had always been close.
Y/N figure she could find her brother Thor at Avengers Tower. She walked right into the place since Stark knew her cause of thor and loki and wondered where everyone was.
Then she heard some giggling and familiar voice with the person who was giggling. She couldn't believe it, did Bucky Barnes actually have a girlfriend. It blew her mind in all time she knew the man he always came off as type to never want anything serious.
When they first met, Y/N actually had a huge crush on Bucky. However, nothing happened because Bucky told her he could never be with Thor and Loki "Little Sister."
Y/N was about to leave but heard the giggling and voices coming closer. She decided to crouch down behind the kitchen island where the pair would not see her.
Then the pair appeared, Bucky and Sharon. It took Y/N just a few seconds to feel her angry start to boil. Sharon wasn't the nicest person, especially to Y/N, since she knew of the crush on Bucky. She couldn't believe she had snatched her "Winter Soldier."
Y/N tried to ignore all noises the couple were making. She didn't want to hear them but had nowhere to run. She was about to move before Sharon had noticed her hiding and decided to do something evil.
She whispers into Bucky's ear, telling him to take her right there in the kitchen since no one else was around. Bucky gives her one of his classic smirks and puts Sharon on top of the kitchen island, spreading her legs wide.
"Whose's daddy naughty girl," He grunts, tossing her panties to the ground unbeknownst they had landed on top of Y/N. It took a lot for Y/N, not panic about panties landing on her.
Sharon uses a sexy voice for Bucky, "I'm so naughty, daddy, take me here already," she moaned for him.
Y/N didn't know how much longer she could last forced to listen to these noises.
Then, out of nowhere, Bucky had shifted his right foot right on top of Y/N hand, forcing a Yelp from her lips and getting Bucky attention this time.
Bucky looked down where his foot was and then at Y/N.
"What the hell, Odinson, how long have you been here" Bucky said sneering at her.
Y/N knew she was in trouble now with the man she once hoped would be hers one day.
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4only1 · 15 hours ago
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Hello, hi. I read your fantastic Gitae fic and was wondering if you could do one where him and reader are business partners and are like considered a deadly duo because they work so well together and because the basically have the same personality but reader is much more sane and mostly tries to keep Gitae's bloodshed clean and not too messy but she overworks herself and is constantly on alert and Giate want to assure that they can both trust each other but reader was betrayed alot because people considered her weak and useless. 💋 thank you for listening to my Ted talk lovieeee
What you know
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Gitae Kim X Reader
Masterlist
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When people heard the names (Y/N) (L/N) and Gitae Kim, they knew there would be trouble. Gitae, a man of strange habits and pure strength, the patricide. (Y/N), a genius who kept the whole drug cartel together, heck, kept Gitae together. Without you, he would be a dysfunctional wreck, not keeping his bloodsheding tendencies together.
You had been waiting in the car since Gitae went to deal with Kwak Jichang, the king- well, soon to be former king of Seoul. As you shuffle papers around in your hand, casually glancing at your phone every now and then, waves of exhaustion hit you. You both had arrived in Korea a few days ago, but when did you last sleep? Someone had to keep the drug cartel running at all hours, and while Gitae was meeting with James Lee and relaxing, it was up to you to do that work. Paperwork really wasn’t Gitae’s thing anyway. Numbers too.
As you kept fighting the feeling of sleep, the car door opened. Gitae entered the car soon after, talking on the phone, most likely to James Lee. Frustration bubbled within you as you noted Gitae's new addition to his look. He didn’t have that much blood on him when he left.
“Seriously”
Is all you manage to get out once Gitae hangs up the phone. Not only did he do the exact opposite of what he told you he was going to do, but he also came back soaked in blood. 
“I thought we talked about being less swing happy with the axe!”
“Not my fault. That Jichang guy was alright, but the police came so I had to deal with them.”
Gitae casually said, blowing out a puff of smoke with his sentence. You click your tongue at his response, before looking back at the papers. A yawn you tried so hard to keep back escapes your lips, drawing Gitae’s attention to you.
“And you have the nerve to scold me in that state. I thought we talked about you not overworking yourself.”
Gitae says, a bit mockingly, turning your own phrasing against you. You look at him, annoyance in your tired eyes. No matter how many times he told you to rest, you just couldn’t. You needed to prove your worth, no matter what personal cost came from it. You weren’t a fighter like Gitae, even the lower members of the gang have you beat in strength. You were the brains, you had to be, you couldn’t let simple exhaustion prevent you from doing the one thing that defined your worth. If things were running smoothly, you weren’t useless. 
You couldn't let a small mistake even become a thought. You feared that if something did happen, big or small, you would be cast aside, replaced with someone else. You couldn't let it happen, not again, you couldn't allow yourself to be thrown away again.
Lost in thought, you don't notice that Gitae has grabbed the papers until you feel them leaving your hand. You turn to him, ready to yell, when his gaze stops you. He didn't have a caring bone in his body, so why did he look at you with those soft eyes? Why did he make it so hard for you to not trust him. In all the time you've known him, he hasn't so much as yelled at you, just playful banter. Even that was enough to put you on edge. Why was he so kind to you but harsh to everybody else?
“Go to sleep.” Is all he says. 
“You can't be serious. I have to finish that work by tonight or-” He quickly cuts you off in a stern tone. But the gentleness is still there.
“Sleep. I refuse to spend another second being scolded by your sleep deprived ass. What's the saying, happy wife, happy life? You’re basically my wife with how you nag me all the time. I prefer if your grouchy ass was rested, so I don't have to deal with your complaints.”
Gitae calmly says before again reaching over and forcing you to lay down across the backseat, your head resting on his leg. You fought to keep your eyes open, but the comfort of Gitae's presence kept you relaxed. You wanted to argue back, but it didn't take long for sleep to consume you.
His large hand rested on the side of your head, stroking your hair. Cigarette smoke filled the air, but that didn't bother you much. You felt comfortable, safe, trusting. Maybe just this time, you can trust someone a little bit more.
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Always love writing a Gitae request. I need to see more of this man in the story please. Next request comes out next week, spoilers, it's another Shingen request (what do y'all see in that man?)
I didn't properly proof read this one so I hope it sounds fine.
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outrunningthedark · 3 days ago
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Sorry to anyone who love him, but I swear my problem with Oliver started like the only time he actually talked about Lou and how he was having fun on Twitter, because he also said something among the line of "previous li felt like they weren't treat right" (I don't remember the exact quote) and I was like ??? They didn't have to feel anything, they just were aware of all the horrible things b*ddies were saying about them if not directly to them
📢 LOUDER FOR THE PEOPLE IN THE BACK!
Nobody really started looking at Oliver funny until he said this in reference to a question about how Lou was handling the inevitable negativity:
“The Buddie fans… It’s been difficult for some actresses on the show before. I know that they’ve felt, sometimes, unfairly treated. Whether or not it was unfair, I don’t speak to that, but I do know it was something they had difficulty with.”
There he was. Admitting the relentless harassment made it hard for the actresses on the show.
And as if realizing he knew they were struggling and didn’t speak up wasn’t awkward enough, Oliver decided he shouldn’t even be the one to say they didn’t deserve it!
My guy, Megan might have gotten in a Twitter fight, but it’s because she was getting attacked the second she stepped foot on that set in season four.
And Arielle? Annelise? What did they do, exactly? Accept a job opportunity? Follow a script?
(And let me just remind people you can feel however you want to feel about BuckLucy while ALSO acknowledging that the show gave Arielle a false sense of security from the start by assuming the kissing scene would be nbd. Had her doing interviews as if Lucy was gonna be the next main ffs.)
Mind you, the person he gave that quote to admitted in the interview they’re a Buddie shipper, so here we have more evidence that Oliver says things he thinks won’t make the majority of his fan base angry with him. Because he can’t handle criticism. Which he just proved again by only opening his mouth after fans called him out on his attitude towards the breakup. 😑
Literally no one cares if Oliver actually likes Lou! They care that he’s a grown ass man who does things that make his fan base feel validated/vindicated because he doesn’t want to be the one they’re upset with!
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beanghostprincess · 2 days ago
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thinking about her (transfem nico robin)
she knew she was a girl since a really young age but due to being on the run was only able to get on hrt after joining baroque works, in fact access to e and bw being trans friendly was, next to being able to search for the poneglyphs, the most important reason she stayed there as long as she did
robin wanting for a long time to have long hair like her mom, but only starting to grow it out after ennies lobby because before that it didn't feel right to do when she was just surviving and not living like olvia wished her to
she might have gotten the full ivankov's hrt, might have went the real world way, but they definitely talked about it during the timeskip and the revs provided her with gender affirming care whichever way she chose (personally i think she'd choose the closer to real world way, so her body would keep a record of her history)
As a trans person I relate so much to her story,,, I know her whole plot about "being a monster" and "feeling left out" isn't specifically about that but it is a metaphor for kids who were different and I feel like the transfem HC for her is so, so real. I've always seen her as this older sister figure who couldn't be herself when she was young so now she has the chance to have fun and still gives perfect advice when it comes to queerness. I feel like she'd be the best influence for young trans people,,, (not to mention my transfem Sanji HC here but I am thinking about her too).
Her admiration toward her mom coming from a place of both love and wanting to be like her,, It's just so sweet. And I believe Baroque works would be so open to queer identities (it's basically canon what am I saying) that she'd finally get to be herself openly. It makes me wonder about Crocodile's transmasc HC too, tbh. I mean, it fits so well with this and I believe that despite everything they'd make Robin feel safe.
When she joins the Strawhats it's sort of like-- The biggest breath of fresh air for her. She doesn't need to tell them anything and if she wants to, she knows they will accept her. She doesn't hide anything but she doesn't make it her personality even if she acknowledges it is a big part of herself. Idk,, I think that Luffy sees gender as something so insignificant and unimportant that it is a relief for Robin to not think about it for once and just... Breathe.
And!!! The Ivankov/Revs thing is always so awesome to hear with OP trans headcanons. I think Robin sharing her experience with others and being able to transition in a way that's safe and comfortable and makes her feel at home and understood is so so so important. No matter what she chooses, because her loved ones will see her as herself anyway,,,
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wehavefoundthestars · 2 days ago
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"No problem," Elio can't help but be stunned for a few seconds after he feels the soft peck on his cheek. He hadn't expected him to do so in front of Viveka. But since he requested a moment alone with her he quickly shook it off and walked over to the other side of the car lingering a bit before opening the door. This all seemed to come easily to Daithi and she didn't seem to mind or if she did she didn't show it. There was a little spark of hope that grew a little inside of him but he didn't yet dare to think of it. They had only just met and an emergency was not ideal to get to know someone new. Despite his hope, it still felt weird to accidentally catch Daithi looking with concern at Viveka and kissing her on her forehead. It made him feel odd and a tad jealous. Even if Daithi was now heading his way again to show him work his car and giving him a look that was just as full of care.
"Yeah I'll be okay don't worry. I have driven a car before you know. Just not one as big as this." He reassures him with a smile and he feels himself melt into the gentle kiss, despite knowing that she looking. Was that weird? Or was he just making it weird by thinking about it too much? Probably the latter since she didn't seem to mind. "Don't mention it. I'm not the type of person to ignore someone in need."
He briefly watches Daithi with the motorcycle which seems like second nature to him. It looked hot. There was no time to think about that now though he had to file it away for later. Just when he's about to start the car Viveka speaks and he feels his cheeks turn red. "I… Thank you." He stammers, "You're lucky too." After all, she had been lucky enough to meet him first and she undoubtedly knew him better than anyone else.
He starts the engine and after a bit of fiddling he manages to turn the car and starts following Daithi into the traffic. It requires more effort to pay attention to the road with a vehicle this big. He isn't used to taking up this much space while driving, so he just leaves more room behind Daithi and any other cars he comes across just in case. They arrived at their destination and after some manoeuvring, he managed to park the car.
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there's a lift of daithi's brows at elio's comment , stifling the laugh mostly that wanted to bubble up . he sure could fire back quickly when stressed out , something he never held against him . he rather enjoyed the determination that it always set the other in . like now , tasked with a challenge to help viveka , someone he wasn't that that fond of just yet but would help nonetheless . it warmed his heart though , seeing him take charge a bit to help someone in need instead of letting emotions simmer and get in the way . though his nose crinkles just a little at elio mentioning that he's spoken a lot about her . he doesn't mean too , and he feels a little bad about it in the moment because did it upset him when it happened ? he'd have to store this conversation for another time .
he's quick , though , once he sees viveka scooped up with relative ease from elio and jogging the few steps to close the distance to the truck . he pulls the door open and holds it to ensure it didn't try to shut on them . honestly , in charge elio was pretty hot , he wasn't even going to lie . it even caused a soft blush over his cheek bones and he nods a bit . ' i'm just going to check in with her really quick , yeah ? ' he assures softly , blue eyes on the taller male . ' thank you , though , ' he murmurs , leaning in to peck his cheek gently . he shifts in the door way , leaning against it with his hands on the roof area . ' you'll be okay until we get to the hospital ? we're going to the one a few minutes away - i rather you in better care than the one closer . on willis street . i won't try to lose you guys , but you know how to get there . ' which earns him a smile from her and nodding . he leans in to press a kiss to her forehead before he backs up to shut the door and join elio by the driver side of the truck .
he moves into the seat , hand going down to the button to put the seat forward and back , showing him how to adjust that minimally - he was shorter than elio after all . then his foot is on the brake and he touches the start button , offering a smile . ' pretty simple . just press which gear you need - drive , reverse , park . ' he goes over while pointing . he also sets lane assist on since it was dark and didn't want elio to struggle to see the lines of the road since it is a bigger vehicle . he slides out of the now running truck , blue eyes up on him again . ' you'll be okay ? we'll talk later , yeah ? ' he murmurs softly before leaning up and pressing a gentle kiss to his lips . ' and thank you , by the way . for stepping up . ' he offers him one last peck on the lips before he's moving to the toppled bike and putting his weight in it to get up before sliding the helmet on and making sure it starts , sitting in idle to wait for elio to get comfortable and put it in drive before he moves off .
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viveka can't help the little laugh that comes at elio's little jab at daithi , shaking her head . they seemed to get along perfectly even in person and it warmed her heart to see it . ' has he now ? ' he questions with a raised brow before smiling just a little bit . ' nice to officially meet you too , though . ' she's heard a lot about elio over the past couple months . she could tell daithi was excited for elio to be making plans to see him and she hated that she had to interrupt their time together because of a clumsy mistake . however there's a tiny squeak at how easily she was scooped up into the other's arms , her arms going around his neck to keep herself up . green eyes look over his face for any struggle but there was nothing she could see . she looks to daithi who is going ahead to open the door and smiles at him , cheeks slightly blushed as well because of the situation .
she uses her hands to scoot herself into the truck a little more , nodding at his question . she's thankful daithi at least checks in with her before they're going to take off , nodding that she knew how to get there . though as she settles in the seat , she can't help but watch the exchange between the boys , the fondness in daithi's look to elio . not scared to give him a kiss in front of her either and it makes her happy to see that she hadn't dampened too much down between them . once elio is back in the truck , she hums briefly as if in thought . ' he's lucky , you know . ' she offers up as she hears her bike start ahead of them , glad it still runs . ' that he has someone like you . ' but she doesn't elaborate , resting back against the seat a bit as she watches daithi take the lead driving .
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thedreadvampy · 5 months ago
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sometimes I forget that my experience has been. um. not 'your experiences are not universal' vibes but more like 'your experiences are EXTREMELY atypical'
#red said#recent events have reminded me that my life has involved like. a LOT of other people's psychosis#like not in a way where i have been Beset By Terrifying Crazies bc that's not like. a thing.#but a lot of people in my life have had a lot of really severe psychotic episodes#and i FORGET sometimes. that actually that is an Unusual Amount Of Experience With Psychosis for someone who's not#for somebody who has not really personally ever had psychotic episodes (unless severe PTSD flashbacks count)#actually i tell a lie i have maybe had One psychotic episode but because it was very situational and i knew what was happening#i was able to ride it out. because i am literally only psychotic Inside Hospitals and so that's all fine#as long as i LITERALLY NEVER HAVE TO HAVE INPATIENT CARE. Very important to me to never ever ever require surgery i think.#i can handle the amount of psychosis i get from a 1-4 hour stopoff in hospital#as long as i know I'm leaving soon then i can just Cope with the fact that the walls are moving and reality is thin#ANYWAY that's not the point the point is i forget! that most ppl i know have experience of at most a handful of severe psychotic episodes#some people i know have experienced more for sure. especially if the episodes were mostly theirs.#but people really seem to expect me to be more freaked out by their symptoms of psychosis than i am#bc i don't think i really register it as frightening unless they're in actual danger or Currently Aggressing Actually At Me#like i WORRY about them bc it can super suck but it's not SHOCKING or WEIRD#there have definitely been times ive been frightened. one time i woke up in the night and my friend was standing over me with a knife#but also like he was still HIM he was just having a moment. and as soon as i got the knife off him he just came back and broke down.#and we were fine and he was safe and i learnt the valuable lesson that even when people seem like they wanna kill you they probably don't#tbf now I'm thinking about it it's honestly a tossup whether he was there to threaten or because he felt a need to guard us#like to be clear probably don't try and take a knife off someone having a psychotic break. i was 17 and it was 3am and i knew him very well#i probably did not make the smartest call but nobody got hurt is the point#anyway you know there's that kind of psychotic episode and my granny got very violently angry a few times. buuuut you know there's also#been plenty of other times I've been with somebody having an episode and it's been chill as hell.#my ex saw and heard monsters so much that eventually she just got sick of being scared. we used to watch TV with them#i would sometimes have to sit on a bit of sofa that wasn't haunted and we might not be able to watch certain things bc they didn't like it#most of the time she was hallucinating there was absolutely nothing to worry about we just had a few extra variables#honestly of everyone i know who's had psychotic episodes or schizophrenia the amount of times it's been a material risk#is like. low single figures? maybe low double if you include self harm but idk what the cause and effect is there.#idk why you would need to be frightened like 99.99% of the time it truly is usually just Oh No That Seems Distressing For You I'm Sorry
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tj-crochets · 8 months ago
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Hey y'all! I am in the mood for some new (to me) music. Do you have any recommendations for songs that make you want to dance? No limits on genre or language, but if you're sending me a link to a specific music video please give me a heads up if it has flashing lights (if possible). Thanks!
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ugly-anastasia · 12 hours ago
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Later, Annie would wish that she had remembered to record this next bit.
But she wasn't even thinking of it. That heaviness in Divian's eyes, it wasn't a game anymore. There was a real tragedy here, and Annie wasn't even thinking of Divian as an interview subject. She was thinking of him as a friend, someone she was worried about.
So Annie didn't say anything. She just knitted her eyebrows in concern and listened.
"This place is Maria's family's restaurant," Divian began. "We both grew up coming here after school, we'd sit at the table in the corner and do our homework, and when were old enough, we both came to work here. It was supposed to be a long time before Maria even had to think about taking over. Her father was doing an excellent job of running things, and Maria was doing business classes on the side, just to be prepared for that day when he did retire. Well..."
Divian sighed. Annie had a feeling she knew what was coming next.
"It all happened quite suddenly. We thought we'd at least have a few more years with him at first, but his illness progressed faster than anyone could have predicted. Her mother wanted to sell the business, just be done with it all, but Maria was determined not to let that happen. So she took over. But I don't think she realized what she was getting herself into.
"The place was in bad shape financially. Is. Still is. But Maria thought she could turn things around. She took out some loans, reduced some of the hours, worked around the clock... she worked so hard. She loved this place. You have to understand that." Divian got a sort of fire in his eyes at that point, as though this were the most important thing to emphasize.
Whatever had happened, he clearly still loved her.
"But it didn't work. The people she took the loans from, they were not good people. Kept charging more and more interest. Started threatening her. And one day, she just disappeared. Maybe she thought all the problems would go away if she just left. I don't know. I've tried to find her, but it's becoming quite clear she doesn't want to be found."
Divian sighed and sunk further down into his seat.
"Now they come for me. These loan people. They still want their money. And I don't know what to do. I keep hoping, if I can turn this around, if I can pay them off, maybe she will come back. Because that's all I really want. I miss her." His voice broke.
It was an awful story. Annie found herself almost on the verge of tears— it was one thing to lose the person you loved, and another to be left by them, with no idea where they were or whether they were okay, picking up the pieces of their mess.
Annie reached for his hand, her expression ashen. "Divian! That's awful. I'm so sorry," she gasped. "I mean- I can't believe she would just leave you like that. All alone, to handle this by yourself. I mean, you deserve an explanation. And an apology."
"I don't even care about that," Divian admitted. "I just wish I knew she was alright."
@toby-determined
The Secret Menu || Anatoby
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amelikos · 1 month ago
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"Maybe they actually liked their pseudonyms, after all?"
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creativesplat · 1 year ago
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That scene from A Tale of Two Stars, from Stan's perspective.
#I imagine its pretty darn scary having your carer/ grunkle beaten up by this random dude from a portal that your grunkle liked#also the 'you didn't tell me you had kids down here' bit Ford looks so guilty like#like he knew he just full on attacked this man - which in his mind is morally fine - but in front of kids? that's where ford draws the line#and stan just looks really sad when he looks at scared Mable#also the r-i-n-g bit is the tinitus caused by Stan's ears slamming into the ground/ dislodging his hearing aid ( and totally#not me deciding that adding the goofy (but still scary) dialogue because it would ruin the tone and also because I hate writing in bubbles#also you all know I had to add the bloodied nose from the story boards what sort of person would I be if I didn't? ;>#when they tell the story it certainly affected Mable but I imagine Stan's joy at seeing his brother being reciprocated by a punch really#imprinted on her I think#she's not scared of loosing dipper until she sees the grunkle she trusts (enough to potentially doom the world as of the last episode)#be so so wrong about his brother - when you see a grown up getting betrayed or being wrong it really impacts a child y'know? so yeah#but I love ford being so caring about children even when he hates his brother and wants nothing more than to slam him repeatedly into a wal#he sees children and immediately changes his attitude#is that because of his parents do you think? did he and stan see or experience physical abuse? is that why he cares so much about these#children not seeing their grunkle getting hurt? Did he see his mother hurt or stan? we all know Filbrick wasn't the best dad ever so...#because as much as stan and ford are jerks to each other they care about Mable and dipper from the moment they saw them and that's just ...#I love them#also I am so surprised by how easily they accept ford into the conversation like I get it for narrative purposes but#someone just attacked your boss/dad or your grunkle/grandpa and even if there were just massive secrets revealed and its like a celebrity (#aka the author) he still punched your boss/dad/grunkle in the face and pinned him to the floor#did no one want to stop that or...#but for real I love how quickly Mable is like 'hey this guys odd and I love his fingers “a full finger friendlier than normal” my heart#anyway I had to draw it so I did#your welcome!#lol#grunkle stan#grunkle ford#dipper pines#mable pines#stanley pines
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youremyonlyhope · 7 months ago
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why won't my brain shut up why won't my brain shut up why won't my brain shut up why won't my brain shut up
#i'm overthinking something that i did and was told off for doing by my director#and on my way home i was thinking when was the last time i was even talked to like that during a production#and then i remembered the costume experience from hell of only a couple months ago that i've already began blocking out#but the thing is that that person was someone i knew i'd never have to work with again#i mean at first i thought i would have to work with them more. then they announced they were moving away immediately#so i only had to deal with them face to face for another weekish after that point and anytime they yelled at me#i was like 'cool. i'll do exactly what you say to do. and nothing more.' but then of course me being me#i did some extra stuff and they initially were like 'oh that's pretty' and then days later told me to cut everything i added#and like sure i get that the show was frozen but girl. that costume was unfinished. i was trying to finish it. it was frozen but looked bad#anyway. whenever they yelled at me and had actual malice in their heart i was like whatever. i was hurt. but i didn't care as much.#but this time it's someone i've worked with many many times before and it was about a habit i have that i know isn't great#but at the same time the thing that prompted it wasn't even me doing this habit it was something else#but she interpreted it as that habit and said that i can't do that on a production she's directing#and that if i couldn't stop then i could pull out from the production and there'd be no hard feelings between us#and honestly i think her reassuring that she knows i'm valuable and that she wants me there while also telling me not to do this thing#and the fact that she's someone i like working with and will continue to work with just made it all hurt so much more#especially since she referenced another past production we've done where i didn't even realize she had noticed that i do this.#and i found myself in near tears. and still am kind of in near tears. i can't decide if i need to cry or not.#and i had NO sleep last night so i was looking forward to sleeping tonight but now i'm just overthinking EVERYTHING#and like. i know everything will be fine. if i just stop inserting myself and stick to just my specific tasks. it'll be fine.#but this is one of the ways my ocd manifests. i feel like i have to personally fix something i notice going wrong. or it'll be bad.#because every single time i choose to sit back and not be nosy when i notice something it ends up bad in a way i could have prevented#if i just inserted myself in a situation i technically wasn't part of but knew i could help or fix. so i just need to not do that.#but then i feel guilt if it does go wrong in the ways i immediately assumed it would and in a way i could prevent.#and i've been trying to work on this for like 6 months and aaaahhhh it's hard and being called out on it from her just really really hurt#i still may or may not cry. i don't know. the irony of me telling my therapist THIS MORNING that it's been a while since i last cried.#and the universe being like 'i took that as a challenge' and handing me this situation for me to spiral over.#i need to leave things alone. i need to stare straight ahead. and ignore whatever isn't specifically for me to do. but ahhh i want to help#and then of course my mom has this same habit and it annoys me when she does it yet i do it to other people and ahhhhhhhh#brain please just shut up. i need to sleep. i have to work tomorrow.
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