#but renee was a CLOSE CLOSE CLOSE second bc she sounds like she's on the verge of tears in Every Measure and I'm VERY impressed by that!!

[beta-adjacent]

......👀

Why did my brain decide to focus on ranking every version of “I Don’t Know How To Love Him” on Spotify instead of the fucking driving test I have to take in 48 hours?!?

[all-for-the-game-confessions]

Omg lolol shit’s getting wild abt the Thea Kevin Jean argument

This is longer than I intended to make it but oh well

TW for mentions of rape and rape culture, and the to some perceived as wilful ignorance of those close to rape victims (mind you: I do not mean to say they are actually wilfully ignorant, merely that some may interpret it that way).

Also trigger warning for a very unpopular opinion at the end and a perhaps patronising tone occasionally (I am in fact aware of this and not in the mood to change it. Sometimes I want to emulate that annoying condescending bitch vibe. Go suck a dick about it.)

Lets start first with: trauma isn’t comparable and shouldn’t ever be. It’s like comparing apples with pears: a pear cannot be the best apple and the apple cannot be the best pear, they are simply not the same. Every person is different, has different circumstances, different interpretations, different reactions. To compare one person to the other is just plain stupid.

Now that that’s established, let’s move on to the next point: Everyone in a cult is a victim, except for the leader. There are certainly those that should be held responsible for their actions, but in the end, they too are victims, no matter how horrible and selfish their actions. Thea, unlike what many people think, was NOT aware of the abuse Jean and Kevin went through. This is IN CANON confirmed by Jean as he says that he and Kevin did their very best to hide Riko’s abuse from the other Ravens. Thea would not have known that Jean was raped, and if she knew that he was 16 y/o she likely wouldn’t have seen him having sex with the backliners because there was in fact a borderline rape culture in the nest in which everyone fucked everyone mostly to get rid of frustrations they couldn’t let interfere in their game on the court. To Thea, it would not have been that weird as Jean and the backliners were already on bad terms and sex was just way to vent that. Upon reflection she might realise that it was fucked up, but with no outside contact and thus no way to compare her current situation with reality, it was extremely unlikely for her to think too deep on it.

Now on to the Thea hate reasons. It’s stupid to make up a moral reasoning for your dislike of a character. I think many people feel as if simply disliking someone is not enough and they need to justify themselves toward the crowd and moral reasoning is a very effective tool in some cases. I also don’t think anyone is purposefully making up misinformation about Thea just to use that as moral reasoning for their dislike, I think they are simply misremembering and haven’t bothered to double check. I do condemn them for thinking Nora would let one of the most important characters in the story be endgame with a groomer. Like…… come on.

I also don’t think people necessarily hate Thea because of race. I think a lot of people didn’t know that Muldani was a SE Asian surname, myself included, and I don’t think when they saw her described as black/dark skinned they purposefully and consciously decided that was the reason they were going to hate her. I think the anon that accused people of disliking her bc of race didn’t mean it like this but the accusing tone makes it sound as if they do think that

Now if we’re talking about SUBCONSCIOUSLY disliking her due to her race OR her gender That is very much possible. Racism and misogyny are subtle like that. If you want to see if you have any of this subtle stuff in your brain, your best take with Thea is likely comparing her to other characters you do like who have similar dynamics or traits and then asking why you don’t like them in Thea. This is probably also what that anon meant but they worded it a bit unfortunate. I am a very positive thinker as you may have noticed. Anyway. Take Jean and Renee, they have a four year age gap (Neil mentions in Trk that Nicky was 23 and the second oldest in the team after Renee, meaning Renee is 23 or older. This is either during Nicky’s trauma dump moment in the library, or earlier when he tells the upperclassmen and Neil abt the twins’ backstory). If you still like Jeannee regardless, ask yourself why you don’t like it with Kevin and Thea. If you don’t ship Jean and Renee, then Jean and Jeremy, they have a 3 year age gap.

If you don’t like that Thea ‘acts’ as if she doesn’t know Jean was raped, then why do you find it okay that Kevin doesn’t know. Because it’s said in canon? Kevin was more aware of Riko’s cruelty, Thea had to be shown Jean to be convinced by Kevin that Riko or Tetsuji or any of the Ravens (as she didn’t know who had broken Kevin’s hand) that Kevin’s hand wasn’t an accident. If you can forgive Kevin for his ignorance, why can’t you extend the same courtesy to Thea? If you don’t find a good answer for those questions or any similar to them, ask yourself why that is. If you still don’t like Thea that’s still completely fucking valid. You don’t have to like her. She wasn’t exactly presented as a beautiful and kind goddess with the sun shining perfectly behind her (Do not interpret that sentence as me saying Thea or black women aren’t beautiful kind goddesses, leave those ideas behind in Delululand. Thea was just not presented as such. Significant difference. ) and you’re allowed to dislike or even hate characters without any solid reason for it, just beware that it’s not your subconscious talking

Which brings me to my next point.

I am fully neutral on Andrew and Renee. I don’t mind them as characters and I don’t mind them in certain ships with characters I do like, I just don’t care for them at all.

So let’s make our next discussion topic: why is Riko more interesting than Andrew and Renee combined? I don’t ship him with anyone, in fact, I ship Andrew and Renee far more with people than I ever will with Riko but something about him is just so so so fascinating. Like a car accident so horrible and wild that you need to know all the physics about it, everything that happened every minute leading up until the moment of the present, in which you are left with a gruesome wreckage of a character. I wanna carve him apart inspect every piece of him and where it comes from and how it echoes through the expanse of time. He had no control over anything in his life so is that why he hurt Kevin and Jean so much? Only his sadism seems so superficial. He calls himself a king and yet he was a puppet. How much of him is his inferiority complex, how much is love and how do those he love fit into his worldview and how much does he want to be loved? Is he a sociopath? A narcissist? A normal boy taught the wrong thing? Could he have been different had he not lived with Tetsuji? If Tetsuji had never mentioned to Kengo that he wanted Kevin and thus Kayleigh was still alive, how would being alone in the Nest have been for Riko? How would his relationship with Nathaniel and Jean been different without Kevin. Why is he nice in front of the team? Why is it that only Kevin and Jean know how cruel he is? I HAVE QUESTIONS

.

[gold-rhine]

fontaine SPOILERS for like, everything released so far and speculations. I have a couple of theories on who Arlecchino might be. So, we know she's from Fontaine and she's old, she was making fun of childe for being a baby. She wants to stop the prophesy of fontaine ppl dissolving into water. She runs an orphanage, where kids later are recruited into fatui

this all, but esp orphanage and dissolving theme, I think v strongly connects her to Narzissenkreuz Institute from 500 years ago. It was an orphanage, from where all major players connected to dissolution in primordial waters came from. I think there is 2 options for who she might be:

1.Mary-Ann Guillotin. She was a sister of Alain Guillotin and an orphan herself. She was described as acting as older sister of the group in orphanage despite her being the youngest. She was recruited into Marechaussee Hunter along with her brother when she grew up, which is basically fontaine's secret service, which i think is very fitting. She ended up hunting her former friends from the Institute, Rene and Jakob, who at this time created a secret organization Narzissenkreuz Ordo and were planning to save fontaine by dissolving ppl into hivemind in primordial water. Same shit Arlecchino wants to stop. She presumably died in confrontation with them, after a huge explosion.

BUT it happened inside of Elynas, an abyssal dragon, and Elynas works basically by bloodborne gods rules. From contact with him any wild shit can happen. Like, as the result of same explosion the race of Melusines were created from Elynas' wounds, seemingly for no reason. He has dream dimension inside. He died, but his consciousness can still talk and act. There are portals into abyss all over him. So, there are countless ways she could've been teleported somewhere, warped, corrupted, etc.

Like, despite her being dead, both of fontaine world quests (the baby oceanid and the mechanical dog ones) end on strong message of "finding Mary-Ann." in fact, they converge together into this, and its basically spelled out they will be continued.

Also, in Marechaussee Hunter set we have this from Karl Ingold, adopted father of Jakob and Rene, reminiscing about past "And afterwards, the cries, sounds of fracturing and metallic clashes that sounded faintly from beyond the stone floor. And as he recalled the girl who used a "trick" to forcibly shift herself into a dark, safe cavern. Only then did the regret of not having recorded her final battle engulf his vision." - ok so, Elynas says there were many metallic animals in that fateful confrontation, so both "cavern" (Elynas is full of caverns and fight was inside of him) and "metallic clashes" AND "her final battle" point that it's about that explosion in which Mary Ann supposedly died. But he also says that "girl" used "trick" to hide in a cavern! Like who else it could be about if not Mary Ann. She fits 100% to the descriptions, we don't have other fontaine girls fighting their final battles in caverns, and with metallic clashes around. So she escaped, hid in "safe" cavern, but again, its a cavern inside of eldritch abyssal god monster. It could v easily warp her into whatever the fuck is wrong with her rn and make her immortal (Jakob who consumed Elynas' flesh is immortal, so that's provably smth connection to Elynas can do.)

2.My second option is Basil Elton, Vice Director of Narzissenkreuz Istitute. She was a former naval commander who retired and helped run the orphanage, but then during cataclysm left to fight monsters and presumably died in a fight that killed Elynas. BUT Basil Elton was H.P. Lovecraft's character, a captain of the ship who could visit Dreamlands. So, she might not be dead, but like teleported to abyss.

I think Mary-Ann is a better option, bc its more narratively satisfying to have a fight between former close friends (Mary Ann and Jakob, abyss Baptist who is still around doing some Schemes), and also like their confrontation would rhyme with a battle in Elynas where she presumably died, her stopping his plot of dissolution after so many years. but idk, we'll see

[simonsrosebud]

what if kevin & dalton had been set up instead of meeting on their own?

(pls accept this as apology for not posting any kalton for MONTHS)

kevin doesn’t have a date to the banquet.

normally, it’s fine.  he’s taken allison or renee to the last few, as friends.  but this year, renee has something going on with gwen, their freshman dealer who is somehow only a year younger than himself.  and allison got scooped up by ricky, the other freshman dealer. 

“what happened to us being dates?  i thought it was unspoken?”

allison shrugs and pushes her hair behind her shoulder.  she has her arms crossed as she leans against the doorframe to kevin’s bedroom.  “sure, but ricky has a crush on me and it’s fun playing around with it.”

kevin sends her a look.  “ew, don’t look at me like that.  as if, he’s like a baby to me.”  kevin opens his mouth, but gets cut off.  “you could get a date easily, it’s fine, we’ll help.”

and she’s right.  later that afternoon she shoots a text to the team groupchat.

allison:  kevin needs a date, any and all genders welcome.  must be hot, good at socializing, and able to withstand his complete lack of care for them esp once he starts talking exy. 

allison:  i expect a nominee from each of you.  good luck soldiers.

and kevin’s going to kill that girl.

the freshmen don’t answer, of course.  all of their friends are freshmen, and they’re also just too scared to respond to the foxes sometimes.

aaron responds first, suggesting he just take one of the vixens.  neil chimes in by saying that marissa girl is fucking social alright.

kevin doesn’t get why allison can’t just set him up with one of her friends.  she has a strict rule against any of the foxes dating her non-exy friends, but it’s just an banquet. 

matt comes in last, but instead of the groupchat it’s just to kevin.

matt:  i have a friend named dalton.  he’s in his masters to become a professor but he’s chill. he’s nice and fun too, the best guy i know

kevin knows he shouldn’t be shallow, but...

kevin:  picture?

matt responds almost instantly.  a picture of his friend sitting across from him at starbucks on his laptop.  he looks caught off guard, like matt took the picture without warning.

is he with him right now?

kevin:  maybe.

he drops his head back and rubs his eyes.

an hour later, the door opens.  neil comes in first.  matt is on his heels, and someone else trails in behind him.  kevin sits up.

neil looks at him.  in french, he says, “i wasn’t a part of this.”

kevin stands, and responds back in french.  “you let him in.”  neil shrugs at that, and continues down to the bedroom.

matt nods at him with a smug smile.  “do you still have your psych 101 workbook?  i have to take it next semester and i don’t wanna buy it.”

kevin frowns.  is he not going to introduce his friend?  “uh, yeah.”  he turns to his desk and rummages through the drawers to pull it out.

“oh, this is dalton, by the way.  he’s a friend from sophomore year.”

there it is.  kevin turns back, book in hand, and nods at dalton.

dalton smiles, calm and charming, and tilts his head a bit.  “he’s lying.  i was his TA.”

kevin gives a smile.  it’s small and faint, and mostly fake.  he can’t help it.  he doesn’t care for small talk like this.  how old does that make dalton?

also, how did matt befriend his TA?  kevin’s never spoken a word to the majority of his own.

“can’t imagine having to deal with him in class,” he says, jokingly.

matt doesn’t defend it, just shrugs and moves on.  “hey, did you find a date to the banquet yet?”  he wiggles his eyebrows.  

kevin’s gonna kill him.  he stuffs his hands into his hoodie pocket so he can ball his fists.  “not yet, no.”

he nods, nudges dalton.  “kevin’s on the exy team, too.  he’s the only one without a date to the winter banquet this year,” he says.  “allison, remember allison?  she’s on a manhunt to find someone she approves of for him.”

dalton considers it.  “that sounds like allison.”

kevin refrains from frowning.  “have you met her?”

dalton has, just one time when he and matt went to a football game this fall and made a pit stop to matt’s room.  it’s also when he met neil, albeit very briefly.  neil had too much going on to give him the time of day.

“once, a month or so ago.”

when matt and dalton get into the car, dalton turns halfway in his seat to fully face matt.  “he doesn’t have a date?”  matt shakes his head.  “is he into guys at all?”

matt glances at him.  “yeah, he’s bisexual.”

dalton raises his eyebrows.  “um, hello?!  why didn’t you set him up with me?!”

matt frowns and shoots his friend a look.  “why do you think we just went over?!  i took psychology freshman year!”

dalton’s gonna kill him.  “but you didn’t say anything about me to him.”  matt rolls his eyes and waves him off, and dalton sits back in his seat.

“i know kevin, i know what i’m doing.”

he crosses his arms.  “you’re the worst wingman i’ve ever met.”

but low and behold, kevin texts matt a few hours after his visit.

kevin:  how do u know dalton would want to be my date to the banquet?

matt:  bc he literally told me so

kevin:  fine, ask him if he wants to go and i’ll take him.

when dalton climbs on the bus behind matt, it takes him only a moment to spot kevin and make his way over.

the banquet is five hours away, so the foxes and their dates are changing into their formalwear once they arrive.

dalton has joggers on, and a long sleeve henley that’s a size too big.  his collarbone hangs out as the collar hangs low.  he wears a soft smile, and pushes a hand back through his hair. 

he looks hot.

dalton looks even more hot dressed up in his suit.  he keeps at kevin’s side at first, and talks to both matt and dan from time to time.  allison even pops up once to inquire about him, since he wasn’t one of her picks.

dalton and matt seem to joke around like they’re best friends.  but he doesn’t ever remember matt mentioning him.

then again, if kevin had friends outside of exy, he may not introduce them to the foxes, either.

he finds his way back to kevin’s side at their table, where he’s talking to a trojan player.  after a while, kevin turns to him.  “you don’t have to stick by my side, if you don’t want.”  he almost feels bad.

dalton shrugs and smiles.  “what if i want to stick by your side?”  the way that kevin reacts shows that he wasn’t expecting that, and dalton’s smile turns shy.  “um, i don’t mind, really.  i’d feel bad leaving you alone.  i’m your date.”  he takes a sip of his drink.

“okay.”  it barely leaves kevin’s lips, but it’s enough to make dalton happy.

“you can even talk exy to me, if you want.  i can pretend i know how it works.”

kevin’s heart seizes.  “you don’t know exy?”

dalton grins.  “i’ve never even seen a game.”  he leans closer.  “teach me?”

so he does.  for the next half hour, they sit and kevin blabbers on, and dalton listens and asks questions.  and then they sidetrack somehow to talking about marvel movies and what they suspect will happen in the next spiderman movie.

dalton swears to die on the grave that peter parker is a bisexual icon.

“you can take that title, instead, though.”  his grin is cheeky.  kevin lightly kicks his ankle and rolls his eyes, but he’s heavily amused.

“what about you?  what are you?”

“gay,” he shrugs.  “not much to it.”

“did you… when you told people, how did they react?”

dalton’s head tilts just a bit, and his smile starts to fade.  “some people don’t like it, but it was fine for the most part.”  and after a moment.  “why, are you okay?”

kevin nods.  

dalton doesn’t believe it.  and he supposes he doesn’t know kevin enough to say that, but there’s something about the way kevin doesn’t verbally respond to it that sits weird in his head.

he props his chin in his hand.  “i told my roommates i was gay the first week of freshman year.  my roommate knew, but we had two suitemates, and one of them kinda stopped talking to me after that if he could help it.”  he flicks his eyes up to meet kevin’s.  “my uncle asks me at every family function if i’ve got a girl yet.  he’s known for seven years, now,” he says.  “and thanksgiving is now hosted at my house because my grandmother told my mother that i was unwelcome in hers.”

harsh.  

“i’m sorry.”

he doesn’t know what else he’s supposed to say, really.  he barely has family as it is, but he can’t imagine losing them now because of something so small.

but dalton just shrugs a shoulder.  “it’s okay.  think about it this way, if i was still in the closet i wouldn’t be your date right now.”  he cracks a smile.  always smiling.

that’s when kevin notices just how close their faces are.  and how he keeps glancing at dalton’s mouth.  he sits back.  not here.

dalton goes to the bathroom, and matt takes his seat.  “how’s it going with dalton?”

kevin frowns.  “fine, why?  did he say something?”

matt’s face is indescribable.  “no, but i see you guys getting all close and stuff.  just flirt with him, dude!  he obviously likes you.”

yeah right.  “i-i don’t think so.  he’s just here because i didn’t have a date.”

matt drops his head for a second.  “kevin, after you first met him he scolded me for not setting you two up.  he doesn’t watch exy, and he’s not here for the famous kevin day, just give him a chance.”  kevin looks to the side, where dalton’s on his way back talking with dan at his side.  they’re getting closer, so he talks fast and quiet.  he stands.  “don’t fuck this up, he’s hot and nice,” he whispers, and grins when dan slides into his side.

“we wanna dance.  boys?”  she looks expectantly at both kevin and matt.  matt doesn’t have a choice, but he’d never say no anyway.

dan pulls kevin up and shoves him lightly into dalton, who catches a hand on his waist.  kevin wants to squirm out of it, but not because he doesn’t like dalton, or dalton’s touch.  just because the idea of liking dalton scares him a bit.

but dalton lets go when he finds his balance.

“i don’t- i can’t dance.”

“yeah right, i’ve seen you at eden’s before.”

when he was belligerently drunk.

“you don’t have to.” dalton’s voice is soft behind him.

matt slides his gaze to kevin.  don’t fuck this up.

he turns.  how has his life come to this?  “no.  i will, if you want to.”

dalton grins, lopsided and happy.  “yeah?”

he hopes he doesn’t regret it.  “yeah.” 

so dalton takes him by the hand and leads him after matt and dan.  the majority of the foxes are in the midst of the crowd as well, but they don’t pay them any mind.  there’s enough people that kevin can pretend he’s at eden’s.

kevin is a terrible dancer.  dalton notices it right away and laughs.  when kevin gives him a look he says, “follow my lead.  just sway a little.  nod your head to the music,” kevin looks up at him while he dances, but catches dalton’s eyes instead.

he looks away and falls out of rhythm.  “sorry,” he mumbles.

“it’s okay.”  dalton gently takes kevin’s hands and puts them on his waist.  it feels illegal.  his hands feel like dead weights, he doesn’t know what to do.

is he blacking out right now?

but then dalton’s moving his hips and dancing, and laughing.  he’s having fun and kevin wants to have fun too.

he moves his hands from dalton’s waist to around his neck, and dalton hesitates with his hands near kevin’s hips until kevin nods.

dalton’s fingers dip into his hips.  his one finger taps along the beat of whatever song is playing, while he lightly sings along and bounces back and forth.

it’s dark on this side of the court with the exception of some colored lights darting around.  the designated dancing spot.

kenna is kissing jack in the crowd.

kevin looks back to dalton, singing with a smile plastered on his face.

no one would notice.

kevin’s fingers twitch against dalton’s neck.  but someone could.

he’s already out, but that doesn’t mean he’s kissed a boy in public yet.

he drops his arms.  “i need some air.”

dalton let’s go, “are you okay?”  but he just nods and takes off, off of the court and down the hall to the locker rooms.  the foxes have their things in the away men’s locker room.

kevin sinks down on the bench.  he plays with the bracelet around his wrist, courtesy of betsy in case he needs something to fidget with.  opposed to panicking, that is.

that woman is never wrong.

kevin likes dalton, that’s not in question nor is it really the problem.  the problem is that he doesn’t know what his problem is.  if it’s what people will say when they see that he truly is into men.

being told something versus seeing proof that it’s real are two different things.  he’s learned that, dealt with it more than once.  the last time it was the proof of the raven’s bullying and abuse.  being told that kevin and riko’s relationship isn’t what the fans fantasize it is versus then seeing proof that it isn’t anything that they thought, for example.

kevin had to deal with backlash like that for months after the raven’s investigation post championship game.  him being bi isn’t the same, of course, but he doesn’t know how to predict the behaviors of his fans.  he doesn’t know what they’ll support or not.

but he likes dalton.

“hey.”

one of the freshmen, eva, stands in the doorway.  “stop running 

you don’t have to be scared of people seeing you dance, you know.”

kevin frowns.  “i don’t care about dancing.”

“yeah, but you care about dancing with your date.”  they cross their arms and lean against the doorframe.  “no one cares.  half this team is a little gay, anyway.”

once they’ve changed for the night in the hotel room, dalton hesitates from where he stands by the bed.  “are you okay?  you seemed a little jittery all night, i just... i wanna make sure everything’s fine, i guess.”

kevin looks up, but doesn’t answer. 

stop being so afraid of everything.

he opens his mouth to say something, but he doesn’t know what he can say.

he sighs.

dalton’s standing there, arms crossed, concerned.  kevin swallows his fears as he makes his way across the room until he’s standing right in front of dalton, and slides a hand behind his neck to kiss him.

dalton hums, surprised.  after a moment he brings a hand to kevin’s chest, and there’s a second where kevin thinks hes going to be pushed away.  instead his fingers dig into his hoodie and he pulls kevin closer.

dalton’s smiling as kevin pulls away.  “about time,” he mumbles, and kisses him again.

the back of dalton’s knees hit the bed by accident, but he drops down to sit and gently pulls kevin by the strings of his hoodie.

kevin isn’t new to sex, so to speak.  he’s not the most experienced, but he’s had his fun.  it’s the only reason he’s confident enough to scoot dalton further back and kiss him into the mattress.

dalton wraps an ankle around the back of kevin’s knee.  he curls his fingers into his hair and leans his head back when kevin kisses down his neck.

they wake up to kevin’s phone blaring.  matt’s calling.

kevin only acknowledges the fact that he has his arm around dalton for a second before he checks the time.

they’re late.

wymack’s gonna kill him.

kevin sits up and shakes dalton as he answers his phone.  “hey you guys are awake right?  coach is pulling the bus around then we’re loading up.”

kevin’s out of the bed and throwing his shirt on, tossing dalton’s hoodie to him.  “yeah, we’re coming.”  dalton’s eyes go wide and that kicks him into gear as he realizes the situation.

they look a mess as they run around.  they’ve really only got one pair of clothes and their suits to frantically shove into their bags.  kevin pulls his sneakers on without socks and dalton’s got his on with the laces all undone as they jog down the hall.

at least they brushed their teeth.

dalton drops down to tie his shoes in the elevator, and when he stands kevin takes the liberty of carding his fingers through his hair.

he shrugs.  “bed head.”

dalton can’t help but smile.  “might wanna pull this up a little,” he mumbles, and that’s when kevin realizes that he’d accidentally put on dalton’s long sleeve henley.  the shirt he’d been wearing last night before it got dropped to the floor.

dalton pushes the shirt up so it’s not hanging lower on kevin’s collarbone.  he’s got a nice hickey that needs hiding.

“they’re never going to let this go,” kevin says.

dalton leans back against the elevator wall.  “i’ve got some juice on matt if you ever need.”

kevin smiles, just a little.  despite him worrying all during the banquet, last night was so good.  he doesn’t want it to end as soon as they step off of the bus.  he doesn’t want dalton to be a one night stand, he doesn’t think.

he takes a step forward and kisses dalton against the wall once more.  he pulls away when the elevator dings.

matt smiles to himself as he watches them come around the corner.  he tries to tame it, at least.

kevin and dalton are the last on the bus.  kevin’s spot in the back is open, so they go back there.  dalton toes off his shoes as soon as he sits down.

kevin is on the aisle side.  his chest skips when dalton’s hand lands gently on his thigh.  he doesn’t hate it.

it’s dinner time when they get back to a rainy palmetto.  dalton had fallen asleep on kevin’s shoulder a half hour ago, and jolts awake when matt whoops and shouts to get out of his way so he can run off the bus for the bathroom.

“sorry,” dalton says quietly, scratching his head and yawning into the back of his hand.

“i didn’t mind.” kevin stretches his legs and pulls his shoes on.

dalton’s car is in the gated stadium parking lot.  kevin walks him to it, head ducked because all he’s got on is dalton’s henley.  no one anticipated rain.

dalton turns after unlocking his car, and sticks a ripped off folded note into kevin’s palm.  kevin puts it right into his pocket for safe keeping.  “so are you gonna call me after this?”  dalton’s hair is falling wet over his  forehead.

he nods, mouths the word yeah but nothing comes out.  and dalton can’t help himself, so he takes a step forward and kisses kevin one last time, gentle as he hesitates with his fingers hovering over his cheek.

kevin’s  got nothing to lose at this point, so he curls his hand alone dalton’s neck and steps closer.

he only pulls away because the team is most likely watching, and someone whistles.  “i’ll call you,” he nods.  he shoves his hands into his pockets and ignores the rain as he watches dalton drive out of the parking lot.

he turns towards the maserati and sees andrew shakes his head.  kevin looks down at himself.  he’s halfway to soaked.  not ideal for such an expensive car. which leaves one option.

kevin slides into the front seat of his father’s car.

wymack can’t wipe the smug look from his face.  “so-“

“no.”

[side-effect-of-the-meds]

Matt gets several shovel talks when everyone finds out he’s joined Andreil. The first one comes from Aaron and Kevin who corner him in the locker room. They love their brothers wholeheartedly. Aaron is scared that Matt is just using his brother. 

“If you really believe Andrew would let anyone use him, you don’t know him at all.” Things get really tense but, ultimately, nothing happens bc Andrew walks in and Neil jumps up into Matt’s arms. He looks so happy that Kevin decides then and there that he’ll defend Neil’s new relationship with his life when the press eventually finds out. 

The next is from Renee who calls to congratulate him and them immediately threaten to flay him if he hurts Andrew. Allison does the same on Neil’s behalf. 

For some reason or the other, Matt ends up having to visit Wymack and meets Bee on her way out. She gives him a great big hug. Andrew seems so much happier now that he has Matt. 

“He’s made a lot of progress thanks to you,” she said with a big smile. “Don’t fuck this up.” And leaves. The whole thing happens so fast that Matt nearly gets whiplash. 

As Matt steps into the apartment, he hears machines whirring. He heads into the kitchen to find Andrew and Wymack making ice cream. Neither of them have noticed Matt yet. They’re ribbing each other and making a mess and its so so cute. For the first time, Matt realizes just how close they are. They see him then and it kinda dies down a little. 

"If Andrew were awake, he'd tell me to mind my pay grade," Wymack said, his eyes on Andrew's sleeping form. "But I swear to God, Matthew, if you hurt him-"

"I know, Coach," Matt cut in. "I'll take care of him."

"If the waterworks are over, can the two of you stop talking about me like I'm not here?" Andrew asked, his eyes still closed.

"Make sure he doesn't more than a pint of ice-cream every two days," Wymack told Matt. "Also he gets cranky without his blankie."

"David Vincent Wymack if you dont shut the fuck up right this second," Andrew warned.

"Sounds like someone needs his blankie," Matt stage whispered. He was out the door and halfway to the elevator before Andrew caught up

[calamity-bean]

Notes: Barkskins Q&A

Barkskins fans! Today (6/28/20), American Cinematheque hosted a Barkskins Q&A webinar with creator Elwood Reid and cast members Marcia Gay Harden (Mathilde Geffard), Christian Cooke (Rene Sel), and David Thewlis (Claude Trepagny). Elwood, Marcia, and Christian were on the call live, while David was interviewed beforehand and his responses recorded. Topics discussed included: 

The show’s general scope and the adaptation process

Historical research

Accent coaching

Colonialism and the portrayal of First Nations characters/cultures

Sets and wardrobe

An audience question for Marcia about Mathilde’s daughter

An audience question for Christian about Rene’s physical/action scenes

Here I’m sharing a summary of the notes I took during the talk. This isn’t a transcript and I didn’t write down everything, but I tried to note interesting things as accurately as I was able. Please pardon any misinterpretations or errors; I did the best I could, but if you remember something differently (or have something to add), feel free to let me know.

This got quite long... Lots of notes below!

The Show in General

First, the big one: the show has not yet been renewed for a second season, but Elwood is hopeful! He feels like season 1 just barely “set the table” for the story, only to yank the tablecloth off right at the end, and he wants more seasons so that viewers can really dig into the meal. It was always planned as multi-season, and right now he’s just hoping that there’s been a good enough viewing and that people talk enough about the show.

The season was originally slated for ten episodes, but had to be cut to nine and then to eight due to the weather changing and due to the time necessary to construct sets. 

The book was considered to be a huge challenge to adapt -- almost unadaptable. Initially, Elwood had ideas for doing a generational / time-skip structure like in the novel, where each season would start over and focus on a new time period; however, one of the main reasons he scrapped that idea was because of the cast. He really adores the whole cast and is excited to write more stories for these actors rather than switching focus to new characters. 

In general, the show was repeatedly described as being essentially about “haves” versus “have-nots” -- who are the “haves,” who are the “have-nots,” what do they want and what are they willing to do in order to become a “have.” It is also a show in which every character (except Rene, initially) has a secret and everyone has something they want that they can’t have.

Also, things such as which characters live/die will not be beholden to what happens in the book.

Historical and Character Research

Marcia and Christian have both read the entire book. Since Mathilde wasn’t in the novel, Marcia called up Elwood with a lot of ideas for how to develop the character, although in the end Mathilde became someone much gravelly, crass, and more conniving than she had initially expected. Christian was very impressed by the scope and uniqueness of the story and found Rene’s simple worldview appealing, describing Rene as a man of the forest, a man of the land, with desires that are simple but meaningful and noble: a better life, prosperity, a piece of his own land.

David read about the first hundred pages, and his initial idea of Trepagny was as someone much tougher and more physically imposing, as portrayed in the book. He then had to work to shed that preconception of the character into the very different Trepagny of the script. He described Trepagny as a man of contradictions: Is he good or bad? Charming or obnoxious? Vulnerable or a bully? Does he live in a cabin or a mansion? Does he worship a god / dual god or a rotten old log? Is he delusional or is he a visionary?

Primary source materials from the period that Elwood used in his historical research include the accounts of Jesuit missionaries, business ledgers describing trade and commerce, and a few memoirs from filles du roi. However, he found it difficult to find primary sources, especially in English, and was careful to remember that these accounts always had a French/colonial bias.

Marcia did a LOT of research on her own in order to better understand what conditions in France might have driven the Geffards to leave. She asked herself, “Why the hell would anyone leave France to come to these mosquito-filled woods with ostensibly hostile First Nations people and English? What was going on in that moment BEFORE they came over?”

Christian didn’t do much historical research but rooted his character in terms of the physical research he did, such as learning woodcutting. He said Rene came from a rural area of northern France and was a woodsman there as well. 

Accent Coaching

Marcia said they did receive accent coaching, but they didn’t want to lean too hard into strong accents because they wanted to give the impression that the French characters were speaking French, which, as their native language, would be very fluid. So it was okay to not have a heavy accent in order to better communicate that effect.

It was also okay for everyone to have different takes on the French accent, because they wanted to give the effect that these characters were coming from all different parts of France and each had their own individual background. They felt that communicating the characters was more important than getting the accents entirely correct.

They likewise had Native actors speak English on screen when their characters were talking among themselves (even when the characters should be understood as not speaking English) so that the audience would get that same impression of fluidity, cleverness, and colloquial conversation.

Colonialism: "Whose perspective are we bringing to bear? Whose story are we telling?”

Elwood acknowledged that Americans tend to be bad about looking outside their own history and that societies with a history of colonizing tend to come up with justifications for why it was okay for them to invade and colonize others. They wanted the show to avoid reinforcing that idea and to not sugarcoat the reality of it.

He mentioned the importance of having Migizi Pensoneau’s voice in the writer’s room. They also made an effort to speak with tribal communities and leaders in the area in order to gain their insight.

Elwood also hit on the effect of the Western film genre (as in cowboy Westerns) in shaping stereotypes about Native Americans and exporting these stereotypes to the rest of the world. Wanted to avoid those stereotypes (bc they’re inaccurate anyway and bc Barkskins takes place in the eastern part of the continent, not the western, and in an earlier time period) and in general to avoid portraying indigenous people as a uniform/interchangeable monoculture.

Marcia highlighted efforts to foreground First Nations characters in front of the camera as well, specifically mentioning Yvon and Mari. She mentioned that Yvon was educated at Harvard and that Mari’s father was French.

Sets and Wardrobe

This was my favorite section because I love this stuff and it was very impressive! Elwood basically gushed about how the production designer (Isabelle Guay), costume designer (Anna Terrazas), and wig maker were invaluable to the show. I tried to record the wig maker’s name, but I was going by ear, and I couldn’t find any search results that seemed right based on the spellings I tried. He was a Montreal area wig maker whose name sounded like (but I am sure is not spelled like) “Ray-jean For-jay.”

Isabelle Guay is local to the area and was in charge of building all the sets. She scouted all the areas personally and paid close attention to period details in construction. Authenticity was very important to Nat Geo; it had to look good and feel real.

Most of the costumes were not existing pieces that the show rented or reused; Anna Terrazas wanted to build as much as possible from scratch herself. She and the other costumers dyed deerskins, found period 17th- and 18th-century fabrics to make garments out of, and even hand built shoes.

Likewise, although it would have been cheaper to get okay-looking wigs premade, the wig maker wanted to make high-quality authentic ones himself. He flew to the actors, measured their heads, bought hair in France, and then constructed all the wigs himself.

Marcia on how the costume informed her character: Anna gave her a leather pouch to hang on a belt around her waist. It was filled with lavender, the idea being that Mathilde kept this lavender close to counter the foul smells of Wobik. Marcia viewed it as a “little secret” to draw on in her acting.

Christian found the costumes surprisingly comfortable/immersive and the landscape very awe-inspiring.

The moodboard for Trepagny’s wardrobe/aesthetic included pictures of Nick Cave and Jimi Hendrix.

Mathilde’s Daughter

Marcia was asked how much of the details about Mathilde’s daughter were of her own invention. She said that everything said on screen about Veronique was straight from the script, but she came up with more herself in order to inform her acting.

Marcia imagines that Veronique probably died from a sickness, perhaps something like whooping cough that to many of us today wouldn’t seem so serious but which would be more fatal in that era.

This is the point at which Elwood blindsided Marcia, me, and everybody else by talking about a scene he had been “obsessed” with a planned scene in which Renardette would go down to a room below the inn and find Veronique’s preserved body hidden down there, covered in her own dresses. Ultimately, Elwood felt that this was “too gothic” and that it wouldn’t work for Mathilde in a season of only 8 episodes, because it would too quickly take the audience’s understanding of her to a very bizarre/dark place.

He defended the idea by saying that it wasn’t uncommon at the time for people to do things like that, i.e. keep a loved one’s remains for a period of time. (I will take your word for it, Elwood. Also, I’m totally ready for you to go full gothic on this show, please follow your weird impulses in the future.) Marcia, though, felt that it wouldn’t make sense for a character as pragmatic as Mathilde. She pointed out that Francis is the one who wants things like refinements, whereas Mathilde is much more practical.

Also, I was today years old when I learned that Lola Reid (Renardette) is showrunner Elwood Reid’s daughter. In my defense, it’s not an uncommon last name.

Christian on Rene

Christian was asked about the physical aspects of playing Rene, such as chopping wood, fighting, swimming, etc., and which were most difficult and which most enjoyable. He said that he loved those aspects; he would get immersed in the physical act so much that he would forget he was acting. He could get very emotional in those intense moments and found it very difficult to come out of those scenes because of how emotionally charged they were (such as when watching character deaths) but also found it very enjoyable in a cathartic way.

Elwood said that he thought Christian had the hardest role because Rene is a stoic person who has to hold the screen with very few words. It was at this point that he talked about all the characters having secrets and something they want but can’t have; he pointed out that Rene is the only character who doesn’t have a secret and whose wants and needs are very simple. This makes his character “like a rock” that other characters try to pick up and bash around but can’t figure out what to do with.

In light of that, Elwood felt that this first season was a slow burn for Rene, but that the future focus of the character’s arc is essentially: What’s the breaking point of a man like that? What will make him crack? What will make him act out of his character?

He said it was also similar for James Bloor (Charles Duquet) because he had to take so much abuse in this first season, with Elwood assuring James that it was building toward a big future payoff.

In conclusion...

Aaand that’s all I’ve got! We are all encouraged to keep talking about the show and to make known our desire for a second season. Thanks for reading, and like I said, let me know if you have anything to add or to correct.

[bananiell]

rapper hc part 1

hi guys!!! so i’ve had this idea in my head forever and just didn’t have anyone to share it with but i told hedy about it yesterday and she scammed me into creating tumblr acc and sharing it here lol but when i went to write it down i  realized that i have a lot more to share so it’s gonna be just the 1st part for now, which was the only thing i had in my mind originally but now i’m working on expanding it.

i have a lot of ideas from the songs and this is no exception. this time the inspiration was NF - an amazing rapper and song writer. his songs uncover so much trauma and the things he raps and sings about are so real for a lot of us that you can’t help relating to them. NF’s real name is Nathan which also played part in this idea. lyrics of the songs are what the hc is based on so please listen to the songs i mention and pay attention to the lyrics.

ok i don’t wanna waste more of your time bc the hc is big as it is so without further ado let’s dive into it. p.s. it’s the first time i do a thing like that so im sorry in advance for any inconsistencies or the general drama:)))

TW!! (everything is just mentioned, nothing too graphic) physical abuse, verbal/emotional abuse, alcohol, drinking, drug addiction, overdose, death from overdose, kidnapping, torture (beating, skin burning, cuts – all of it not descriptive), violence, breaking one’s own bones, putting bastards to prison. also NF’s lyrics got a lot of triggers and cover very serious issues so if you decide to listen to some more of his music be careful with that. some of the things mentioned in the songs i’ve used here: depression, grave digging, guns, blood (in a non-violent way).

neil’s story: he grew up in an abusive family. his father was drinking a lot and abused him physically and verbally saying that he was nothing and nobody and would not amount to anything in his life. he despised neil’s love for music and laughed at him. he also hit him more when he noticed anything related to neil’s passion (neil humming some melody or listening to music in his headphones or trying to create smth). his mother tried to protect him but she couldn’t do much bc of her drug addiction. she overdosed during his last year in hs and surprisingly left him some money. when Nathan found out about that he was enraged and beat the shit out of neil so he would give him that money. to run away from his father neil goes to university to study his passion – music. he’s always had some kind of knack for creating music and rapping and now he could explore it more and not be afraid of nathan. he tries to overcome his trauma and even makes some friends (the foxes).

during the freshman year andrew and neil spend a lot of time together. they find the reflections of their hurt in each other and they find understanding. they share some of their past and their traumas; their view of the world and their dreams. andrew feels like he is falling because he’s never met anyone like neil. slowly there are soft touches and furtive glances but neither is ready yet to cross that line.

neil seemingly gets better even though there are a lot of hard moments on the way. however at the end of his freshman year nathan finds him and he and his cronies kidnap and beat neil up for Mary’s money keeping him in the basement for several days. this money is all neil’s got to survive and build his life so he doesn’t say anything and thinks of the ways to run. im not good with making up torture techniques and nathan is not so imaginative here but they still leave neil with scars on his face, his torso and hands (mostly burns from cigarettes, iron, cuts from glass bottles). by the end of the third day neil is physically and morally exhausted so he gives up and transfers all the money to them (he’s got a little of it left on his other acc) and they drunk on their win leave him in the basement. he breaks his fingers to get out of the handcuffs and gets out through the small basement window and runs outside. not long after that he collapses from all the exhaustion and blood loss and someone notices him. they call the cops and the ambulance. after that nathan and his cronies are put into prison and neil is left with almost no money. he leaves the state and a year later with a lot of effort, practicing and self-advertising he successfully signs with a music label under the name N/A.

andrew’s story: tilda didn’t give him up but was a shitty mother (obv) with drug addiction. andrew and aaron’s parents were divorced and their father didn’t live with them but tried to be there when he could. andrew started creating music as an outlet bc tilda’s boyfriends were physically abusing him and he tried to protect aaron from that. he and aaron were close bc they only had each other but andrew still didn’t share his trauma with aaron trying to protect him from that hell. of course he was only a child and couldn’t always take aaron’s place in beating but most of it lay on him. while at hs they became a band with the help of nicky and performed with their songs were they could and tried to self-advertise and wymack (he’s the head of the music dep at uni and also one of the profs) noticed them and offered them partial scholarships. they had some money left after tilda’s overdose (they lived for some time with their father after her death) so they went to get actual education on music production (at this point I don’t care how plausible it sounds, just don’t think too much about it ok lol)

the story:

ok so nathaniel once went to uni with the foxes (is there such a major as music production and singing or smth?) but at the end of his freshman year he disappeared. he was not very sociable so no one really cared where’d he go except for the foxes with whom he became somewhat friends. 1-2 years later he pops up as a new young and very talented rapper named N/A and he’s got burn scars all over his face and hands which he doesn’t hide so very intriguing right??? nobody knows much about him and that his name stands for Neil Abram so they take it literally as ‘no data available’ or smth (hedy also proposed “not applicable”!). foxes are like WTF we know that guy!! and wymack is also like isn’t that nathaniel??

Andrew’s become a huge fan of neil’s music. only renee knows that andrew’s been listening to neil’s songs non stop bc he can relate so hard to them and they just hit him right where it hurts. at the end of their last year they have like a huge final concert or smth and wymack organizes it to be held in one of the palmetto clubs. at the same time neil is coming back to Palmetto bc he is nostalgic of the time he spent in the uni with the foxes and he wants to escape his real life for a moment. he wants to visit the city and reminisce and he believes that none of the foxes really remembers him bc he was a nobody. I know the plot is getting ridiculous but bear with me

so it’s the evening of the gig and the students perform their music (songs, instrumentals, as solos/duets/bands etc). andrew majorly produces rap songs at this point and he performs in duet with renee with their song (NF’s “Can you hold me”). everyone is like shit it was so good but then andrew performs his solo song (NF’s “How could you leave us”). aaron is standing there and is a fucking mess bc he never knew andrew was that affected by their past and their mother’s death bc he never showed it and didn’t ever want to talk about his issues. (be warned this is a heart-wrenching song and it fits fucking perfectly). after that andrew almost runs outside for a smoke, trying to light a cigarette with his shaking fingers and thats when he sees a strange all covered up figure in a black hoodie entering the club but also cautiously looking over their shoulder like they don’t want to be caught. andrew ever the protective one follows him but loses in the crowd of the low lit club. 10 mins later there is quiet and the figure goes on stage – obv its neil. “Intro III” starts playing.

andrew is in awe and he’s never heard this song before so it must be new. he also never saw neil perform live so he cant really move bc the performance is so powerful and magnetic. *neils sitting on one of the disconnected amplifiers in the dark and the music starts building up. At 2:00 of the song after the words “I mean, what are you, outta your mind? 'Cause both of us will be, come on, let's go outside!” he pulls off his hood, his movements are fierce and aggressive and he’s almost screaming in the mic. at words “You had me scared for a second, I thought we were diggin' my grave” theres his fathers smile, vicious, crazy and cruel – thats how he remembered it spending 3 days in that basement. (fyi in the song NF’s talking to his fear and they go back and forth).* 

andrew is mesmerized, the foxes are in shock, the whole crowd does not understand who that is but they watch with open mouths. the song ends and the crowd goes wild. that’s when neil starts talking.

“hello palmetto. this is a great concert you got and some of you guys are fucking talented. my name is neil and I used to go to PSU a long time ago so you prolly don’t know me but professor wymack out there let me come here on this stage and sing a couple of my songs for you. one of them is my old song, and another is new but they both tell my story and I hope you like’em”. 

people cheer and applaud and after a moment another song starts playing. its the one andrew knows (it’s Paralyzed). the atmosphere gets way calmer but everyone is just as hypnotized. during the chorus neil is standing under the dim lights, head turned up facing the ceiling, eyes closed, his scars are illuminated. he looks almost peaceful but there’s pain and apathy showing on his face and in his posture. the song ends and neil leaves the stage. andrew cant make his legs move but he has to meet neil (he just realized that neil’s shared his name with them and it wasn’t “nathaniel” and andrew’s got so many questions).

he forces himself to move and almost runs backstage. neil is already leaving but andrew stops him by grabbing him by his arm. they stand there looking at each other, andrew panting, his body shaking a little, neil wide-eyed.

“Andrew…” he whispers obviously surprised by seeing Andrew here.

“Nath- Neil.” suddenly Andrew cant ask a single question. he’s got so many that it feels like a waste of time to ask them one by one. Neil looks down at where Andrew is still grabbing his arm and Andrew lets go off him like its burnt him. “You are here” he lets out on the exhale like he still can’t believe it.

Neil averts his eyes and puts the hood of his sweater on his head so that the shadows obscure half of his face. “Yeah” he replies and after a few seconds follows with hesitant “How are you?” It is a stupid question, Andrew thinks but he answers nonetheless with simple fine. Neil holds his head low, and Andrew can’t help but wonder if Neil doesn’t wanna look him in the eyes after his disappearance so many years ago or if he simply doesn’t want to see Andrew’s face. Both options hurt him but he doesn’t have the heart to ask.

the end of part 1. come yell at me on twt or here hihi

[copperbadge]

subversivecynic replied to your post “Were you a part of the Cassandra Clare charity wank thing back in the...”

It's not terribly INaccurate. My spouse insisted we watch it and grilled me about the accuracy incessantly but I'm like "I wasn't on the inside of this mess, I sat on the outside and read my fic and didn't get involved"

Yeah, from what I’ve seen so far it looks like he’s mostly drawing from CharlotteLennox, who did her due diligence inasmuch as she could. Having been on the inside for some of this I have some opinions about the appearance of objectivity versus the actual fact of it, but airing those would only make the entire situation more awkward rather than less, and a lot of the people involved are either still in fandom or in media-centric careers and don’t really need more agony dredged up.

renee-mariposa replied to your post “I seem to recall that several years ago, you had a "dead year" where...”

Thank you for being so open about this. This exact post is something I desperately needed to see 5-6 years ago (same story different verse: I had to learn how to 'waste' time bc I'd been taught that if I couldn't finish a task in a few hours it Wasn't Worth Doing)

Well, I was open enough about it at the time, no reason to be less now. Sounds like you got the help you needed and if I can help someone else to that, I’m happy to! 

arukou-arukou replied to your link “Fat Rice closes, reopening as Super Fat Rice Mart with meal kits on...”

Yes, but when will we bring back the automat?

NOT SOON ENOUGH IN MY OPINION. 

goldenmeme replied to your photo “figtreeandvine: copperbadge: phantomstatistician: Fandom: Good...”

Granted I'm not SUPER into the current GO fandom, but from what I've seen Gabriel/Beelzebub is the (distant) second most popular ship in the fandom. Like all good villains, Gabriel has no shortage of devoted fans.

Yeah, that’s what I’m seeing too, and Gabriel also ends up in threesome fics quite a bit. 

[kamekamelea]

had no idea that you're in deep

A long time ago @amydancepants-peralta requested a prompt from the cliche prompts list and I know it’s been too long but it’s finally here, and I hope you enjoy this what was supposed to be a little fic I’ve created based on your prompt Renee 💖 I hope this makes your August even better, even if only a little 💕

Also I’d like to point out this fic wouldn’t have happened without @b99peraltiago‘s endless support and passion for this story, so thank you Adele for being there feeding me with amazing ideas and tropes 💕

read on ao3 (bc I’m incapable of writing short fics…)

16. I need a date for this wedding

Feeling his big and warm palm on her waist, his breath on her cheek and his fingers intertwined with hers, Amy thinks there is no place more magical and tempting to be than Jake’s arms. She sees a soft smile from the corner of her eye, so she reciprocates it with a glowing beam, with nothing holding her back. The distance is small enough for her to see freckles on his nose, normally hidden from her sight, and his pupils changing their size due to shimmering lights. What really catches her attention though are his lips. Full and red in a mouthwatering way. And formed in that big smile she’s extremely attracted to. He’s close, probably closer than he’s ever been before and it’s hard for her to think straight.

It’s a hiss that escapes those glorious lips of his that shakes her out of the reverie.

“Yeah, I’m still as bad at it as I used to be.” Knowing she has once again stumped on his toes, Amy apologizes in a joking manner, utterly embarrassed by her poor dancing skills.

“ ‘I’m still as bad at it as I used to be’ - title of your sex tape!” Jake chuckles in her ear and despite rolling her eyes at his antics she also joins him in the laughter. It’s such a beautiful melody, the romantic song in the background doesn’t stand a chance against the sound of it.

The dance floor is crowded and Amy uses it as an excuse to snuggle into Jake’s chest, leaning onto him for support, since the alcohol running through her veins makes it hard for her keep her balance. Either that or the cloud of Jake’s cologne overflowing her nostrils, his gentle touch and the way his voice resonates in the air around her (as he whispers quiet jokes regarding all her aunts, uncles and cousins ever since the party started), that makes her go weak in her knees.

“I thought you went to a dancing class with Teddy.” It’s more a question than a statement and the muscles in his back seem to tense, though that could be just Amy imagining things.

“I’ve seen him once doing the macarena dance and came to a conclusion that us both engaging in a dance would be a great offense to this discipline, so I gave up on this idea.”

He nods with an amused smile on his face and Amy drowns once again in his soft gaze tonight.

It’s amazing really, how light and relaxed she feels tonight, having him by his side. Amy’s supposed to be freaking out, surrounded by all of her crazy - sure, lovable, but still crazy - family. Instead, she’s calm and happy, smiling so hard her cheeks start to cramp. And all of that is this man’s doing. Jake’s completely unaffected by her family’s dorkiness and weird habits, joking with her brothers and charming her mother. Well, trying to - Camilla is a hard nut to crack and not easy to charm. Unlike her daughter who’s fallen hard under his spell and without noticing. She was anxious to ask him to go to her cousin’s wedding as her plus-one, afraid of rejection but also of the scenario in which he’d say yes to that crazy offer (afraid she wouldn’t be able to keep her cool around him). But now, as she sways smoothly in his arms, Jake’s laughter ringing in her ears, she couldn’t have been more happy about the outcome.

(Even though Amy’s aware that the ache of him not being hers will become even more unbearable when this night comes to an end, after she got a glimpse of what they could have been but will never be.)

“Thanks for coming here with me, Jake. I know it’s not the way you usually spend a Saturday evening.” She smiles apologetically at him, truly thankful for his presence.

The song changes, and the melody turns into a more energetic one, making Jake immediately react by adjusting the flow of their – quite clumsy – dance to the music. He lets go of her waist and steps back, extending the distance between them to grab the hand she had on his shoulder a second ago. And just as the disappointment is beginning to show on Amy’s face at the newly found - and rather unwelcome -  gap between them, Jake starts to twirl her and spin, doing all those moves Amy’s always considered to be elaborate. Yet it feels like there’s nothing simpler in life than doing all those twists with his help and guidance, moving away and back - straight to his arms.

“You mean going to a party with free food,-” he releases her from his hold, twirling her forward but never letting go of her right hand. “adorably hilarious childhood stories your brothers can’t wait to share and endless possibilities of teasing you about your dancing skills?” His palm finds hers, the one she never knows what to do with, whenever her dance partner lets go of it. “And all this with a gorgeous girl by my side?” Jake pulls her gently on her arms, but with a force strong enough for her chest to collide with his. His eyes twinkle as he shoots her a toothy grin. “And this girl is also my best friend?” He lifts their linked hands above their heads, and twist them, causing Amy to turn with her back to him. “Yeah, I’d say this night doesn’t stand a chance against all the other Saturday nights I’ve spent on my couch, drinking beer and watching TV.” Suddenly their crossed arms are down back again, this time on her stomach as he brings her in. “You owe me big time, Santiago.” His chin rests on her shoulder, her cheek tingles at the slight touch of his own and when she tilts her head in his direction her lips almost find their way to his smile. The beating of her heart is fast but it’s definitely not from the physical effort and if he’d said those painful two words - best friend - in any other setting it would have hurt, but not now. Not when she feels like the most delicate treasure in his embrace.

It only lasts for a few seconds before he lets go of her again, though more reluctantly than before and engages her in another round of spins. Not ready for the change of pace, as the rhythm of the song quickens again, and distracted by the laughter that escaped her once he started to twirl her all around him, she stumbles on her own feet, losing balance and already preparing for impact with the cold ground. But Jake’s an alert partner - both in dancing and police work - and he catches her, encircling his arms around her hips and torso. He lifts Amy effortlessly, chuckling at her clumsiness and puts her steady on her feet. He loosens his hold on her shoulders and Amy already misses the warmth on her bare skin.

“At least this time you didn’t make me dance with one of your oak-old aunts…” His lips twist in a playful smile and Amy erupts into giggles, shaking her head at his goofiness. Her cheeks are warm after their enjoyable dance and she’s sure they’re just as red as they burn. So she grabs Jake by his forearm, pulling him in the direction of the refreshments’ area, teasing him mercilessly in the meanwhile about the great crush Gina’s aunt had on his butt.

But, if Amy was honest with herself, she would acknowledge that the only person with a real crush on Jake Peralta’s butt is her. And she’s crushing hard.

READ REST ON AO3

[ravenvsfox]

hello, i love ur fics! can u write something where neil uses the "do u play exy bc ur a keeper" or something like that pick up line to andrew in front of the foxes maybe hes drunk idk i think itd be super funny xx

(so uhhhh I made this not funny at all and also an au but hey! it’s a thing!!)

Neil’s blearily grateful to be wedged into the dark embroidered fabric of a low-slung couch, pushed away from the sweat and throb of the dance floor. He feels enough like a raw vein without the club sucking the blood from him.

He knows he’s drunk because the blue lights are making him see ghosts in strangers’ faces. When he speaks it feels like he has a marble tucked into each cheek, just enough to garble his words. He knows that his legs won’t come with him if he stands, and it scares him.

Dan and Matt are crooning into each others’ ears, rocking to the sugary remix overhead, stacked next to him on the couch. He wonders how long he’s been swallowing shots to drown the taste of the last shot, trying to raise his pulse, trying to feel something. He opens his mouth to ask for the time and realizes, unsettled, that he’d asked less than a minute ago. He makes an aborted sound, smothering the stupid question before it can find oxygen and catch.

His friends notice anyway. Dan breaks away from Matt’s mouth at the noise, both of them gasping, adjusting to life on land.

“You look fucked,” Dan tells him. Neil nods seriously. He can taste so much salt. He’s drowned it in tequila and limes and rum and ice but his mouth still tastes savoury and sick.

“You need to get out of here?” Matt offers. Neil zeroes in on where Matt is rubbing circles into Dan’s bare thigh with his thumb. He knows they don’t really want to leave. He knows what their kindness tastes like because he’s gorged himself on it. He shakes his head, but it feels like his brain sloshes one way and his skull the other.

“I need a cigarette,” Neil says. He puts all his focus into standing without knocking over empties. Matt reaches out to steady him anyways but Neil pulls back hard, overcorrecting and falling into the wall. He stays there for too long, face pressed to the dark wall-paper, swallowing over and over again. He feels along the wall, liking the way it holds him up.

He finds himself on a short staircase down to the exit, and his feet and eyes are attached on a string. He can’t stop looking down because he can’t stop moving, and he doesn’t trust his body to do what he asks unless he’s watching, holding it accountable.

He’s struggling to light up before the door’s even open, hands shaking, lighter circling and sparking and coughing out in cycles.

Someone’s hand swims into view, and Neil watches his cigarette come alive like it’s happening to someone else. There’s a sharp-featured face and a pink mouth and moonlit hair and smoke peeling out of a mouth when it breathes.

“Thanks,” Neil mutters. The face doesn’t respond. Neil gives him a rare second look, squinting. “Did I thank you out loud?”

“You did,” the face says simply. His voice is cool and deep; it reminds Neil of cold patches in open water, and he gets phantom goosebumps.

Neil takes a drag of his cigarette. He sees his mother’s hair on the pillow next to him when he closes his eyes, and when he opens them, the stranger looks the same somehow: comforting, smoky, eaten by darkness, a good memory made painful.

It’s Andrew Minyard, he realizes suddenly. It’s the best goalkeeper in the world, smoking vacantly outside of a random seedy club in the middle of the season. The alcohol pitches and tries to come up his throat. Neil remembers that Minyard’s life intersected with Kevin’s somewhere in the timeline that he’d made himself put together half a dozen years ago. He remembers wishing for a way to be hidden but also to have Exy, his most treasured, unattainable obsession.

He looks at Andrew again, this time with recognition needling him so much that it hurts. He drops his cigarette on the ground and walks stiltedly away, feeling that old wish effect him more than the booze ever had. He keeps seeing steely brown eyes and that puzzling mouth even though he’s facing the other direction now.

Before everything, before he’d met Dan interning as a coach at his university, before Matt and Allison and Renee and Seth had become the only social circle he’d ever had, before he’d scared them and left them and killed his father, he’d thought of Kevin Day like a key, and Andrew like a keyring.

He’d watched them in black and red and scowls from afar and thought, things could’ve been different.

He stumbles back into the club with his past trying to introduce itself to the forefront of his brain, his eyes glued to his friends. They’re all bunched on the couches now, craning their necks for him, and things feel easier now that he’s focused on something other than the alcohol for a minute. He finds his way back through the masses, steadying himself on the arm of the couch as soon as he’s near enough.

“There you are, Christ Neil,” Matt says. “We were about to send out the world’s drunkest search party.”

“It’s fine,” Neil says. He wants to say more but he doesn’t know how to articulate that a professional athlete and former Raven just lit his cigarette for him, and he certainly doesn’t know how to explain why the thought of it makes him sick to his stomach.

“He’s fine,” Allison repeats. “He needs another drink.”

Matt goes to respond, but his mouth goes suddenly slack and his hand claps automatically to Dan’s arm. Neil’s throat closes up. “You’ll never guess who just walked in.”

All eyes swing to the door but Neil closes his, feeling the room tilt angrily around him, trying not to listen to the whispers spreading like a disease.

“No way, the monster?” Dan says. “Haven’t seen him since we played the Ravens in senior year. God, he’s hell in goal, remember?”

“He’s hell everywhere,” Seth says snidely.

“Maybe we should evacuate,” Allison says consideringly. “He’s an unpredictable little fucker.”

“I heard he stopped taking his meds when he made court,” Matt says. “—And he hasn’t said a word since.”

“He has,” Neil says unthinkingly, mouth cottony dry.

“What?”

“Nothing. He— nothing.”

“Oh,” Allison laughs. “I forgot that you were like— an Exy groupie.”

“I’m not,” Neil says firmly. He finally gives in and looks back towards the entrance, and he sees flickers of pale blond hair over a black ensemble. He feels himself sliding off of the arm of the couch and onto the cushion. Renee is a gentle pressure at his side.

“I think it’s good,” Renee says. “That you’re defending him. I have the feeling that he needs friends.”

“Maybe if he didn’t look like a serial killer,” Allison muses.

“Maybe if he didn’t act like one,” Seth agrees, and they exchange a mean, knowing glance. Neil always hates it when they agree.

“Anyways Neil,” Dan says pointedly. “We’re playing truth or dare, and you can’t get out of it.” Neil rolls his eyes and she flicks him in the face. “Whose turn was it?”

“Seth’s,” Matt tells her, and Seth succinctly tells him to fuck off.

They jump back into the rhythm of the game that they’d started while Neil was away, and he tries to focus on anything but the phantom panic in his stomach. The memory and the alcohol don’t want to coexist inside of him.

The group cycles past an uncooperative Seth and a sweet truth from Renee. Neil watches Andrew, a complex shadow on the opposite side of the room. He slips in among a group of people jostling around a table and Neil looks hastily down when a head turns and he narrowly avoids Kevin Day’s eye.

He recognizes the group now, Kevin and Andrew and Aaron, the infamous duo and the twin who didn’t make the cut. There’s someone else too, tall and dark and visibly enthusiastic.

“Neil,” Matt says abruptly. “You’ve gotta go try to pick him up.”

“Who?” Neil asks woozily. His focus is ice and Andrew and Kevin are salt.

“Minyard. Of fucking course. Don’t tell me you’re not in love with the way he plays at least, Neil.”

“No,” Neil replies, agitated, rubbing his own arm and feeling the weight of his scars beneath his sleeve.

“Uh, yes,” he says. “I dare you.”

“I choose truth,” Neil says petulantly, and Allison snorts.

“That’s new for you.”

“I’m not doing it,” Neil reiterates. He’s drunk enough that he would, though. He’s twitchy and unfiltered and he wants to know why Andrew did something for him without asking for anything in return.

“Then you lose,” Dan tells him. Neil glares at her. The club seems to get louder around them, an ocean reacting to a charged sky.

“Fine,” he says, and makes to get up with his glass limbs and his jelly focus. Somewhere in his sweaty palms he remembers to be terrified that Kevin might remember his face. Neil’s stopped putting in the effort to dye his hair since the butcher died. It’s grown out auburn, darker at the tips, curling around his neck. He still puts in brown contacts, scared of the ice in his own eyes.

Matt tugs him down. His expression is gleeful when he says, “wait, wait. We’ve got to give you your script.”

“Script,” Neil repeats, incredulous. Dan starts to reply but then Matt ropes her in close, whispering in her ear until something surprises a laugh out of her. She takes his phone and passes it along to Neil, grinning.

“We’ll be here, if he tries anything.”

“Fine,” he hears himself say again. He doesn’t know why he’s agreeing to this. He doesn’t know why he can’t disconnect the smoke on his tongue with Andrew’s face, soft but still in the light from his cigarette. He’s not used to wanting anything except adrenaline, but its possible Andrew’s just a version of the same thing.

He pushes through the crowd with the phone clenched in his hand, dizzying colours flashing over Andrew’s bowed head, his brother’s a shocking mirror across the table. Neil can hear his own breathing, curiously loud in the thunder and rain of music and voices.

He stops a couple of feet away from the four of them, eyeing Kevin’s tattoo and feeling very very foolish. He paces the last handful of steps closer and feels their eyes land on him like a coffin door closing. He looks down at the phone in his fist, trying to find meaning in the glaringly bright screen.

“Do you play Exy,” Neil starts, watching despairingly as Andrew’s interest fizzles out. “Because you’re a keeper.” He turns to go immediately, suddenly uninterested in a response, throat burning with humiliation. He should’ve read the note first. He shouldn’t have engaged. He shouldn’t have made friends with a bunch of malicious former Foxes. He can hear someone laughing in Andrew’s group, something about boys being too scared to even wait around for rejection.

“You,” he hears. Neil stops short. He breathes through his nose and rolls his shoulders.

“Don’t worry,” he says over his shoulder. “It was a dare. I didn’t come looking for a ‘you’re welcome’.”

“I wasn’t offering one,” Andrew says. Then, “come here.”

Neil glances back at his assembled friends without really seeing them, like feeling for the shape of your phone in your pocket. He weighs his options as best he can through the gauze of alcohol and exhaustion, and returns unsteadily to the group clustered around Andrew. He knows it doesn’t make sense for them to be assembled around someone as explosive as Andrew, but he seems to manufacture his own gravity.

Andrew regards him for a long moment. He’s pristine on the outside, like a stainless steel fridge with all manner of rot and vitality inside.

“I know who you are,” he tells Neil calmly. The tall boy titters nervously. The fine hairs on Neil’s neck stand straight up.

“You too,” Neil says as clearly as he can. It still comes out dirty. He can’t keep his past out of his voice tonight.

“Lots of people know who I am,” Andrew says, uninterested, and Neil gets a knick of pure anger. He wants Andrew to care.

“I’m sure,” Neil says. “I’d reckon that not quite as many know about the murder of your mother. Or about the real reason for your armbands.” He’s blowing smoke on that last one, but he enjoys the way Andrew’s face leaps, for a minute, barely able to strangle his own feelings before they get loose.

“Nathaniel,” Andrew tries, vindictive and crystal clear. Kevin’s gaze snaps in his direction, and Neil ducks his head, turns, trying to be lost again like he always is.

Andrew catches his arm in a shockingly strong grip, and Neil wrenches it around. He gets an inch of surprise, but Andrew outmatches him for strength and clearheadedness. He finds himself pinned to the bar, the room swimming but Andrew fixed.

“Pretty convenient that Tilda’s side of the car went non-functional and yours was untouched. Were you even trying to cover it up?” Neil hisses.

“Who are you,” Andrew says, jostling him hard so that his shoulder digs painfully into the lip of the bar.

“I thought you knew?” Neil mocks. He’s running on fumes, using every un-loaded gun in his arsenal until he finds a bullet. He half hopes that Andrew will knock him out before he finds one.

“I’ve seen your face. The runaway killer. You were on the news for patricide,” he says the last word like he’s tasting it and daintily spitting it out again.

He doesn’t bother denying it, Andrew’s eyes are too clever, even in the slur of the club. They’re all murderers here, anyway. “Two years ago,” he says instead. “A grainy photo on the Maryland news two years ago.”

“I do not forget faces.”

They stare at each other, Neil breathing hard, Andrew’s hands flexed tight in Neil’s shirt. He spots the club’s security shoving their way towards them over Andrew’s shoulder, looking grim and important.

“Let go,” Neil says, and Andrew does, instantly. He gives himself a moment to be impressed and then he’s being hauled up by a heavy hand on his bicep.

“You guys going to continue to destroy property?” He understands dimly that Andrew must have broken something on the bar with Neil’s body.

“Might,” Andrew says, and Neil’s mouth twitches. The hands get tighter, and he lets himself be manhandled towards the exit without digging his heels in too much.

“No way,” he hears, and when he looks up he sees Matt’s face on the outskirts of a distracted crowd of dancers, flushed drunk and obviously horrified. He spots Allison laughing into Renee’s shoulder just beyond him, the whole group navigating the line between amusement and horror. Renee gives him a thumbs up, and Neil follows her gaze to where Andrew is already looking at him.

They’re dragged the rest of the way out of the bar and deposited on the curb, and the whole affair is ridiculous: their utter silence and stiff compliance, security’s over-performing, the way the lingering smell of smoke calms Neil down so much that he sinks into the wall as soon as arms are gone from around his body.

His head lolls towards Andrew when he hears the twist and spark of a lighter a minute later. Andrew looks at him and then out into the street when he extends a second cigarette in Neil’s direction. Neil shakes his head, mostly to clear it.

“I just like the smell. Thanks, though,” he mumbles.

Andrew accepts this, tucks the cigarette back into the pack, and leans up against the wall beside Neil.

“Nathaniel,” Andrew starts, not cocked to hurt this time, but Neil still flinches.

“Neil. Not—“ God, he’s still drunk. “That’s not my name anymore.”

“Neil,” Andrew corrects smoothly, blowing smoke just right so that the wind carries it into Neil’s face. “You’re welcome.”

[survivorhephaestus]

EPISODE 02: Hmm, Okay, Sounds Weird But Okay

For the castaways’ second immunity challenge, a glitch in the system took down their Deep Space Survival Procedures and Protocol Manual, also known as the Rules page. Their task was to reconstruct it as best they could, which shouldn’t have been hard since they all definitely read those rules thoroughly before beginning the game, right? 

Hmm, perhaps not. They both did a decent job reconstructing, though. Within the first two hours of the challenge, Lovelace found a loophole and used the Rules from one of Ari’s other games as a template to work from. Even with that, Minkowski was a fierce contender - maybe they actually did read the rules - and the teams tied. Ultimately it was Lovelace’s early submission time that secured them a second win.

At Minkowski’s second Space Council, Jay was voted out 6 - 1 and went to join Karen inside the star. The DSSPPM was restored, and the anarchy of this round was laid to rest.

RICHIE

i got my way and karen just left :) noah fence karen you just were the only person on the team i wasnt aligned with bc i needed someone to vote out if we lost im sure youre great!!!!!! i'm not aligned with everyone left which isn't good bc if we lose then i'm fucked lmao... the person i'm least aligned with is probably Pat??? which is interesting bc stevie and jay didn't vote with me.... i really wanted to vote with them but they wanted to vote for jakey and he's one of my closest allies at this point.... i should have just straight up told stevie and jay that i had the votes to get out karen that way there would be more team unity and if we lose again jakey wouldnt be so for voting one of them out and i could point the finger to Pat for the least amount of blood on my hands but I know stevie and karen are friends and i didn't want to be so obvious about the fact that i know the votes were there for karen bc im the one who got them all lmao we really need to win this and then hopefully a team swap happens bc if we go back to space council with this group i'm fucked i have too many allies this is wild

JAKEY

hello!! so basically today was SPACE COUNCIL DAY!!!! so we have some content ladies, saddle up! 

so coming into council i've only spoken with richie and pat one on one lol which is clearly NOT GREAT so i had to get to #werk. richie informs me at 7:10 that miss karen wanted either me or richie to leave. 

now clearly since i'm me and richie is one of the two people that have built a relationship with me im like hell no!!!! so at this point it's clear karen is the person i was gonna target since she came for me yknow 

so RENEE messages me today and we get to talking a little bit and we immediately have a GREAT bond. i get good vibes from her and i was so happy to find someone i could potentially work with closely in this game! 

so she rly wants to keep me and she hasn't talked to karen, so i knew i could get her vote from there. so then it was mostly talking to pat and what i've gathered from pat is he's very secretive and sketchy... like this vote he wasn't saying much which i know he was busy and everything but he was telling richie like he wont be around so he might not be able to vote or something and it was ????? also he's apparently close with JOSH because i havent spoken once to josh and pat was like "ok josh will vote with us" and i was like hmmm okay sounds weird but okay. 

so yeah it ended up being me/richie/renee/pat/josh for karena n karen/stevie/jay  voting for me. im all fine for this outcome especially since i got to have my sandra-esque "AND THE QUEEN STAYS QUEEN" moment... i was LIVING... but im so worried pat/josh will turn on me in the next vote!!! i don't trust them at all and maybe it's time to start trying to built relationships with stevie and jay since maybe they feel on the outs after this vote. 

at this point i know im going to be an ONGOING target on this team so the quicker we swap, the BETTER (i also want to reunite w some cuties on the other team) 

LOGAN

i just realized there were confessionals but honestly i've been sleeping this whole game and don't really talk to anyone lol #socialgame

PATRICK

Welp, that was a shit show.

A bit of context: I hated both options that came up. I tried subtly dropping Renee once or twice, but it was clear that wasn't gaining traction. My next preference would have been Jay, probably. That wasn't happening, either. People seemed locked on Jakey and Karen, which irked me and still kinda does. But since I was out I didn't really have much ability to make anything happen.

So, why take out Karen over Jakey? It gets complex. At the core of it, in a vacuum, I feel Karen would have been more loyal to me than Jakey likely will be down the road. But the issue comes in who I would have been throwing my hat in with if I'd gone with Karen. Those three votes were Jay, Stevie and Karen herself. I'd have made it four, and I presume Josh and I were always voting in lockstep. Either that, or rocks on the first vote which yikes.

Plain and simple, I don't like that group as a means to reach the end. I think me/Josh/Jakey/Renee/Richie will be a much more effective group. I wish Karen had talked to more people, because adding her to this group would've been great.

Also, Josh stated a preference to voting out Karen over Jakey. I really want to keep Josh feeling like he can trust me 100%. I always do better in these games when I have an unquestioned #1 ally. So I let him feel – rightfully – that if his preference was Karen, we'd do Karen. It helped that I was leaning that way, myself, for the reasons above.

Also, Jakey's pretty fun. A bit abrasive sometimes for my taste, but I'm not mad at all about working with him. He'll be a good ally, I think.

Ah well, onward and upward. RIP, Moose Alliance.

RICHIE

so we lost and now i'm fucked bc no matter who i vote for tonight i'm going to be backstabbing someone since i'm a dumbass lmao

me stevie and jay aren't an official alliance but we have talked about working together jakey has told me i'm his #1 and we have gotten close josh and renee are 2 of my favorite people who i just won't vote out rn

and pat and i really connected at the beginning of the game but i've kinda stopped the breaks on that relationship bc i needed someone with no connection with in case we went to council but it looks like it's impossible for me to put the vote on pat tonight which sucks for my game bc im going to be pissing off someone just who's it going to be??? idk bc we're less than 2 hours from council and no one is around!!!!!!

i love jay and i wanted to work with him but the last vote really fractured the team and choosing to go with the minority with a possible team swap coming just isn't the best idea???? i'm trying to do damage control with stevie 15 minutes before the vote so that if this all goes down as planned then i still have room to work with him hopefully

KARTER

I can't trust anyone? Or can I? I can't tell! I just want us all to be friends.

[minycrdjcsten-blog]

How about a prompt where the foxes are all out and about and neil runs into someone from his past? Like maybe not necessarily a stranger he met along the way under an alias but someone that knew who he was and helped him and his mother while they were on the run? And I dunno the foxes and Andrews and Neil's reactions or somethin??

okay so this is loosely based on a personal experience, where i ran into a cousin (i’m latinx ive like 60 cousins) and she sorta made a joke and i stared at her for like an entire minute w/o even saying hi, and then just kept walking like nothing had happened. five months or so later she asked me wtf was up w me lmao. it was lit bc i was dissociating and i was confused af lmao.

no link to ao3 bc this is just rly?? mm? vague and a quick drabble? hope u like it tho, im slowly trying to get back on track tbh

“Nathaniel” Neil hears somewhere near him. He tells himself it’s not for him, people know that’s not his name, they know that name doesn’t mean anything so he just keeps walking behind Andrew, all quick steps and lowered eyes because it doesn’t matter how little that name’s supposed to mean, Neil hates hearing it.

They’ve been out shopping -yes, all of them together at the same time, more or less- because christmas’ close and presents are mandatory in a decent family, Neil Josten, even if they’re just DIYs.

“Nathaniel!” This time it sounds closer, a little more urgent and Andrew turns around with a quirked eyebrow to look around them and see what the hell is going on.That’s exactly when he feels someone’s hand on his back and instead of getting scared Neil elbows him on the ribs hard. Neil feels like running despite knowing he doesn’t have to worry about any of it anymore. 

When he pronounces the name his mouth tastes like bile, when he hears someone else it’s as if Nathan’s threats are still up when he knows he’s fine. He still hasn’t recovered of that, it hasn’t been long enough to forget.  

The stranger lets out a surprised yelp and then he’s complaining about how good he still is at defending himself. His dark hair and familiar features tell him he’s someone he knows and though before he’d never let himself forget a familiar face now his brain doesn’t want to remind him of that past. He’s supposed to remember his name, that’s all he knows.

“We need to catch up, kid” He says, huffing at the end and staring into Neil’s eyes as if waiting for a response.

Andrew’s holding his elbow, a way to let him know he’s there but also that his elbow’s still there if he wants to keep going. Neil isn’t scared or feeling lost, he’s just really fucking confused.

“His name’s Neil, you should leave” Matt says behind him and Neil doesn’t even know when the foxes stopped walking. He knows the foxes are more or less getting ready to defend him from anyone but Neil can’t even remember the guy’s name so he blinks for a few seconds, trying to remember and then it comes to him.

It makes sense that he can’t remember him because he’s one of the people who helped him and his mother when they were still in America, by the time he was still allowed to act like a kid, by the time he didn’t know he had to be someone else in order to be safe. The name’s impossible to remember, but what’s the point? He’s supposed to leave all of that behind so it doesn’t matter anyway. Blood means shit for someone like him, who’s been betrayed again and again by the people who were supposed to be his family. Family’s something you choose, Neil decided a while ago.

“Now things are a little bit better maybe we can act like a family” He laughs sympathetically at Neil. His expression’s pretty much empty still. He isn’t good at people, never has been, and the moment feels just so awkward he doesn’t even know what he’s supposed to say. People tended to act like they didn’t know what was happening around them when he was a kid, but now he’s got his own life and his father’s finally dead he can’t even think of what he’s supposed to say in such a situation, “You know? Old time’s sake, little cousin”

Neil nods and the guy gives him his number and he doesn’t even pretend he’s making an effort to remember it, though he knows Andrew won’t forget it. He doesn’t want it, he doesn’t want the attention or the pity that comes from the Hatfords every single time. He doesn’t care how proud they might be of him because the Hatfords ruined him too.

Andrew’s grasp becomes a little bit tighter when they both look at each other in silence, as if waiting for Neil’s cousin? to do something, to betray him just one more time, but nothing happens.

“Good to see you’re doing fine” He says and at least Neil’s greatful he didn’t mention his appearance. The awkwardness of the moment doesn’t leave him but he knows it doesn’t matter because it’ll keep happening. He’s had too many lives, he’s been too many people in his lifetime and he’s trying to stick to being Neil Josten which means he won’t allow anyone from Nathaniel’s life in anymore.

Neil’s silent the rest of the day and he knows he might be worrying the foxes a little, but honestly, he’s just really fucking confused at the way people talk to him as if he’s supposed to be comfortable with everything now Nathan’s dead. It doesn’t work like that, at all, but being a part of a criminal family might change people’s perceptions a little bit.

Matt sits with him for lunch and asks him if he’s fine. Neil nods absent mindedly and Matt’s genuinely worried the guy might have triggered a traumatic memory or something but Neil’s just really really fucking trying to remember who the fuck he is. He texts him later expressing his support and love for his best bro. 

It goes like that with almost all of the foxes: Renee tells him he shouldn’t be afraid to talk about his past, he’s supposed to let go of it and maybe seeing his family will help him, it’ll give him closure. Dan tells him he doesn’t owe the Hatfords shit and he shouldn’t worry about people using his old name because it doesn’t mean shit anyway. Allison tells him he should at least have a little more dignity and face people and shit talk them as much as he did the Ravens the entire year. Aaron doesn’t come near him. Kevin tells him he shouldn’t let things like that distract him because he needs to think of how to help the team instead of stupid people who won’t respect him. Nicky smiles at him apologetically, as if telling him he knows he should be saying something but he can’t think of anything anyway so a smile should do. 

Andrew, however, just rolls his eyes at him while Neil looks at the wall in front of his desk.

“Stop thinking about that guy, it’s a waste of time” He says and Neil, again, just blinks at him for a while trying to come up with something to say because it’s been hours and he just sorta forgot how to get out of his head even if it’s because of the dumbest thing ever.

“I didn’t remember people were supposed to have cousins, to be honest” Neil mumbles in response.

[ravenvsfox]

(100 years later I finally got to your prompt, mac-noa ! I wasn’t explicitly lovey dovey bc I didn’t want to be ooc and it’s only actually from Matt’s POV, but I hope it works for you!!!)

Matt and Dan walk in late, strung together by the hands, still flushed from kissing in the car pre-practice. They go sheepish when they see the unimpressed look on Wymack’s face. Renee smiles brightly at them and Allison gives them a brisk nod, but the monsters are in more disarray than usual. Bits and pieces of their group are missing, and it leaves Matt with the peculiar feeling of looking at a familiar photograph that suddenly has the faces scratched out.

Their ringleader is absent, for starters, couch conspicuously empty beside Kevin — who looks unmoved and stoic and nauseated as usual.

It’s not unusual for Andrew to do things just because it’s inconvenient for others, but it’s a little weird for Neil to skip out as well. It’s a lot weird that he’s late at the same time as Andrew when Exy hangs in the balance. 

Any association between them feels like something Matt has to fix, like he set something bad in motion by meeting Neil later than Andrew did in the fall. They’re probably off having one of their weird, close, angry looking conversations that always end in agreements Matt doesn’t understand.

Wymack waits thirty seconds past Matt and Dan’s arrival, and then he looks at the couch like it’s causing him pain, and starts delegating tasks for the day. He only asks once where the missing links are and there’s a lot of shrugging and staring straight ahead before he gives up.

They’re less rowdy than usual, and Matt thinks they’re all individually trying to solve Neil and Andrew’s absence in their heads. (As soon as they get up to move to the court, Allison starts whispering numbers for their betting pool until Dan bats her away.)

Matt squeezes Dan’s hand until she looks at him, and they have a brief conversation in smothered smiles.

They split up to change, and Matt straps into his gear feeling vaguely ill at ease. He keeps glancing at the door between straps and tugs of his uniform, and he notices Nicky doing the same thing. He smiles awkwardly when Matt catches him, and Matt feels a rare pulse of kinship for him. Both Andrew’s lot and the upperclassmen seem equally confused, so they have something in common for once.

The strange feeling follows Matt all the way to the court and through the first set of drills before Neil finally shows up, looking harried and flushed and all sorts of things Matt doesn’t usually associate with Neil.

He pushes into the court straight past Wymack’s blustering reprimand, and Matt catches the tail end of a flippant apology before Neil’s sprinting to centre court.

Matt stares at him. Neil waits, twisting his racquet in his hand, shoulders tense like he expects someone to toss him into the gameplay by force.

“What?” Neil asks, annoyed.

“You’re late,” Matt says stupidly.

“Twenty minutes late,” Kevin interrupts. “Almost like you’re trying to get worse.”

“He was with me,” Andrew says suddenly, breezing past them towards goal looking impossible to have spent twenty straight minutes with. Neil sort of jolts at the sound of his voice, and Matt eyes him narrowly.

“Well what the hell were you doing,” Matt asks, “at four pm on a Thursday?”

Andrew stops to stare at the cluster of his teammates, unblinking. “Irrelevant.”

There’s a general roar of disapproval, and Dan starts in on responsibilities and crumbling teamwork. Andrew gets bored halfway through her speech and turns back towards the goal, settling into position. Dan throws her hands up, frustrated, and Matt kneads her shoulder.

“We’re just losing more time,” Neil says. “Catch me up. Let’s go.”

“You don’t get to disrupt our practice and then tell us we’re wasting time,” Kevin sneers.

“Just did,” Neil says, and he bangs the butt of his racquet on the floor impatiently.

“Neil, we have to rely on you,” Dan says urgently. “This was a misstep. I’m counting on you to listen to me, not the monster.”

Neil considers her, and then his gaze bounces beyond them to where Andrew is lounging in front of the net. Kevin looks with him, frowning like he always does, like he’s trying to solve a riddle written in another language.

“Jesus,” Matt says. Neil doesn’t even look up. “You’re all obsessed with each other.”

Neil stays silent, like maybe he doesn’t disagree, and when Matt looks towards the goal, Andrew’s looking steadily back at Neil.

_____

It’s almost too weird to consider; that flinty, unusual Neil with his clumsy friendship and his hard-won smiles might be in any sort of relationship with Andrew. Matt spends most of the time after that topsy-turvy practice oscillating between complete denial and incredulous acknowledgement.

Dan’s betting against him, but he knows she thinks there’s something up, because every time Neil does something obvious, he looks over at Dan and she’s already looking at him.

Andrew is impenetrable as usual, but the act of slipping away with Neil and tugging him down to sit with him and taking excessive revenge on anyone who so much as insults him — it’s the most Andrew’s ever shown an interest in a person. More active than his all encompassing deal with Kevin, his obsession with his twin, and his weird, twitchy friendship with Renee.

Weirder still, Neil seems to spend more and more time getting distracted from practice and conversation. He’s always done it, gotten this anxious, itchy look in his eyes, nervous hands running over his own body like he’s checking it’s still there. But now he does it while whipping around trying to find Andrew, he looks completely outside of reality until he finds Andrew’s gaze and locks into it.

It’s unnerving to watch. It’s unnerving to see his best friend becoming reliant on something so volatile. Like if your friend clearly trusted a land mine more than he trusted you. He keeps wanting to tell Neil that he doesn’t know Andrew, really, doesn’t know about half the shit he’s done and destroyed. But he catches Andrew talking, really talking to Neil on the bus, and he thinks, fleetingly, that maybe he’s the one that doesn’t know him.

The foxes are a little stumped about the whole thing. It’s not like they’re obvious in the traditional sense — they’re not acting lovesick and secretive in a way that Matt can really explain, but for them, for Andrew and Neil, it’s obvious. It’s unstoppable like everything Neil does is unstoppable.

And whatever it is, it’s pulling Neil’s facade apart like tender meat, getting under his skin and scattering his focus.

Matt walks into the change room to find them standing close, not an unusual distance to be having a conversation at, but definitely inside each others personal space.

He’s supposed to be grabbing Neil and heading off to Betsy’s for their semiannual appointment, but he stops short in the doorway. Andrew’s hands are fisted in Neil’s sweater.

He hears Neil murmuring something about Bee being untrustworthy, and Andrew steps Neil back into the wall.

“This coming from a professional liar,” Andrew says.

“Not professional if you don’t get anything for doing it,” Neil says, and Matt can see the curve of his rare smile. “So unless you want to start paying…?”

Andrew ignores him. “Maybe if you gave her something to work with she wouldn’t be so useless to you.”

“I’m not giving away secrets for free.”

Andrew flattens one of his hands, so his thumb is brushing the bare hollow of Neil’s throat.

“It’s my turn.”

Neil seems to know what he means, because he dips his head down and says, “ask me.”

“Not now,” Andrew says simply.

Neil looks a little dizzy from where Matt’s standing, like being in Andrew’s space is physically affecting him. “Not now,” he agrees. “I have an appointment to get to.” He moves out of Andrew’s reach and Andrew catches him by the belt loops.

“Don’t go.”

Matt gawks from the doorway. It looks like a slip up on Andrew’s part, a squeak of vulnerability. He’s flat-faced and utterly ignoring Neil except for where they’re tied together by Andrew’s hands.

“I don’t want to,” Neil says quietly. Andrew tugs at his hips and says nothing.

It’s the strangest, charged moment. Matt takes a step backwards. He hears a murmur of something from Andrew and then Neil’s eyes change and his mouth opens and he says ‘yes’ to whatever the question was.

They’re kissing in the next moment, and Matt half knew it was coming but it still manages to shock him almost back into the doorframe. The idea of either of them kissing someone would be impossible to imagine if he weren’t looking at it.

Neil’s hands go up to Andrew’s hair and twist in it, and he lets himself be handled closer by the hands at his hips.

Andrew looks completely unlike himself. It’s unfathomable that it’s actually him with his face furrowed up with emotion and one hand moving to cup Neil’s face. They look like regular people, Matt thinks. They look like a couple at the club who couldn’t help themselves, like two people who aren’t a pin drop from losing control. They look like they’ve already lost their control in each other.

He’s a little giddy with being right, but he’s also awkward, and he knows that Andrew might actually kill him if he knows what he’s seen. He tries to keep his feet as light as possible when he retreats, heart pounding.

Andrew’s face looks so young when Neil palms his hair away from his forehead. They’re so obviously tender with each other, careful with where their hands are and who’s getting boxed in. Matt wonders if they’ve talked about their limits or if they just know them. He can’t picture them having that conversation, but he also couldn’t have pictured Andrew holding Neil’s face with the soft flesh of his palm like this, not gripping or choking or demanding.

He sees a flash of tongue and Neil makes a noise, and Matt’s out of there, turning and half-running back through the hall to the court.

He’s back outside the plexiglass cage before he realizes that he’s supposed to be taking Neil with him to Dobson’s. He’s too preoccupied with the spectacle of his realization to even slow down. He just made 200 dollars. He’s a little sick to his stomach. Wymack shoots him a look that he ignores, searching for Dan’s eyes instead and slapping the clear wall when she doesn’t immediately look over.

He gets all of the foxes attention for his trouble, and he fumbles with the door, leaning in.

“Pay up,” he calls over the expanse of the court. They all look irritated or confused for a beat, and then Dan catches on.

“They’re not…” she starts, looking scandalized. Matt laughs, tension deflating now that he has some distance and he’s looking at Dan’s sweetly shocked face.

“They are. As we speak.”

Aaron’s eyes bulge, and Allison and Renee knock sticks in congratulations. Nicky looks like someone just handed him free tickets to Germany.

“Can you do whatever you’re doing off of my court?” Wymack complains. “Some people are trying to practice.”

“Kevin is, you mean,” Matt says, and laughs at the look on his face. “Sorry coach. We’re having a revelation.”

“If you’re talking Andrew and Neil I could’ve saved you the money two months ago.”

Matt balks at him and Wymack gives him a shove.

“Your appointment isn’t going to make itself. I don’t care if you have to pry Neil off of him, both of you need to get the fuck out of here.”

Matt swallows, tries to speak, swallows again. “I can’t believe you just— knew.”

“I can’t believe you’re still here,” Wymack says, and Matt dodges his second shove, jogging back to the change rooms with his head spinning. He’s starting to feel like he’s running on surprise alone.

He finds Neil by himself, waiting by the doors like he’d never been kissed or even thought about it in his life.

“Um,” Matt says, and Neil cocks an eyebrow. “Ready?”

Neil nods his assent and starts walking alongside him, cool and unaffected. Matt can see two crumpled patches in the front of Neil’s pullover where Andrew’s hands had been, and he looks away, smiling.