#but one alone cannot convey the full story

[molekel]

“Just wait, I will get this stupid climber up again!” - “hbgrlbrghlbrbhllrkrjlhgrrrr!!!”

Yoshi can’t climb, but that does not mean Simon will leave him behind for forever!

[wuxian-vs-wangji]

Love Sand: A Summary

For those who cannot afford to buy Love Sand, or don't know if they feel like reading it. This is a full summary, so of course it's full of spoilers. General trigger warnings for dubious consent, non-consent (one partner drunk), and revoked consent.

Love Sand takes place 7-5 months before the events of Love Sea, long before Mahasamut and Tongrak ever meet. The two do, however, play major roles in Khom and Connor's love story.

Love Sand's official English edition can be purchased through Meb.

If you order through the app, you'll have to buy a set of tokens and purchase it that way, If you order through their website, you can directly buy the number of tokens you need for Love Sand specifically.

Love Sand: A Summary

Before getting into this: Khom has a lot of negative self-image issues revolving around being thought of as a sex worker. I conveyed that as best I could here, but I want to make it clear that there is no shame in sex work, so long as it's something the person wants to do, is protected, and does not feel forced into.

Khom is 19, and just had his heart broken by his first love.

Type grew up with Khom, and Khom saw all the bad that came on the heels of Type being sexually assaulted at the age of 11 by a worker his father had hired. Type was hounded by media seeking to sensationalize an already horrible story, and faced the stares of curious islanders and people asking too many questions about the assault.

Type becomes viciously homophobic after the trauma, buying into every negative stereotype about gay people. Khom, who has always known he's gay and who has had a crush on Type throughout his youth, wants to be a calming presence. He supports Type, is his confidant and friend, and swallows his objections to what Type says.

But Type's hatred just keeps growing and growing, and Khom is finally sick of hearing it. He reveals to Type that he's gay, hoping Type will reconsider his homophobia after learning his best friend, who has always been there for him, is gay.

Instead, Type throws it all in Khom's face. He calls Khom a pervert, a slut, and is disgusted by his association with Khom.

Khom is very similar to Mahasamut in Love Sea, in which he will internalize the opinions of people he cares about. Type's words cut as deeply as a knife, and are the trigger for a lot of the plot of Love Sand.

---

Several days after Type returned to his university in Bangkok, Khom is isolating himself and trying to deal with the pain in his heart. He withdraws from everyone, and sits alone to mourn his lifelong one-sided crush.

Khom isn't good at making friends. He's friendly with some guys on the island, but not in a way where he'd turn to any of them if he's in pain. He's extremely introverted, and deeply isolated.

Mahasamut tracks him down one day at a kind of secluded beach the locals keep to themselves. Mut is an older boy on the island, around 21, and viciously charismatic. His business is word-of-mouth, and there isn't much Mahasamut won't do to make sure he's the first choice of every traveler.

But right now, he's in trouble and needs help. Mahasamut was jumped at a bar by a gang of local boys who tried to fuck with him. Despite it being 6:1, Mahsasamut won the fight, but slipped on a beer bottle afterwards and broke his leg.

Mahasamut has a visitor coming to the island the next day, who booked his services and whose business Mut cannot afford to lose. Even if he's the choice of any traveler who can book him, Mahasamut very much lives hand to mouth. Khom is the only other boy on the island who speaks English as well as Mahasamut, and he needs Khom to pretend to be him and play tour guide for 3 days.

In exchange, Mut will give Khom a cut of what the foreigner is paying.

Khom reluctantly agrees, figuring it will be a distraction from his dark thoughts and pain of falling out with Type.

Khom is instantly and immediately attracted to Connor, but he knows how dangerous that is. Connor has a wild playboy aura, and fierce green eyes that make him darkly seductive. He's also 11 years older than Khom.

With a shock, Khom quickly learns that Connor is completely fluent in Thai, though he pretends not to be around most people. Connor is Canadian, and on the island as part of a vacation tour of dive spots.

And that's all Khom is allowed to know. If he asks any questions about Connor's life, Connor quite obviously changes the subject, making it very clear that Khom is not entitled to any personal information at all. Not even how he knows Thai.

Connor is overtly attracted to Khom, and flirts with him constantly. Khom takes him to local hangouts, where the food is more authentic and people more themselves than around the tourist areas.

Khom gets drunk at one such spot, encouraged by Connor, and loses all sense of where he is. He's hot, so he strips, and attracts the attention of basically the Thai equivalent of siren.

In Khom's mind, the demon is coming to steal his soul, but he is too unsteady to fight it as it pins him down and starts jacking him off.

In reality, Connor has taken Khom back to his hotel room, and when Khom strips his shirt off, Connor pounces. He ignores Khom's protests and forcefully jacks him off.

---

---

The next morning, Khom is embarrassed to know he got drunk and the guest he's supposed to be taking care of had to take care of him. He also vaguely remembers having a strange dream the night before, but it's very much a dream.

Connor keeps taunting and teasing Khom, embarrassing the boy and keeping him on edge. Khom is fighting constantly against his own attraction to Connor. He doesn't want to be the kind of person Type accused him of being.

He isn't a slut, he isn't easy, he isn't perverted. He isn't the kind to have flings with tourists. Khom's had a couple of very short lived relationships in his life, all done under extreme secrecy. No one knows he's gay, not even his family. That's half to protect himself, and half because he didn't want Type to know he was gay, still hoping that Type's prejudice would eventually fade.

Connor wants to go for a dive, so Mahasamut sends Palm with a rented boat. But the boat is WAY too nice, and Khom realizes that Connor must be paying Mahasamut way above his normal rate. Meanwhile, he's giving Khom pennies for filling in.

Khom is supposed to be pretending to be Mahasamut so that Connor doesn't know this isn't the guide he hired. But Khom is so bad at it that he keeps forgetting, and it's obvious to Connor from the start. It is never confirmed nor denied, but Khom suspects Mahasamut somewhat pimped him out to Connor. Choosing Khom as his guide because Khom is physically exactly the kind of person Connor is attracted to.

While diving, Connor pretends to drown so that Khom has to give him air (they were freediving, not diving with tanks). To Connor, it's a cheeky way to get a kiss, hidden underwater where Cockblock Palm can't see them. But Khom is deathly serious about safety, and is absolutely enraged.

After that, Connor sticks to beaches, and apologizes constantly for playing. He also doesn't slow down his pursuit of Khom in the least.

---

---

The next day, Khom takes Connor out again, this time on a motorbike. Connor is very suggestive all day, and keeps Khom anxious and on the edge. Eventually, even though Khom repeatedly asks him to behave, Connor distracts Khom while he's driving and Khom nearly collides with a car. He crashes the bike, and while Connor is fine, Khom's leg is torn up.

Khom has to go to the hospital, and Connor is extremely embarrassed and worried. He takes Khom back to the resort and takes care of him.... but in a very Connor way.

He helps strip Khom, and then sits there in the bathroom with him while Khom takes a bath with maximum embarrassment. He also deliberately leaves the towel away from the tub so that Khom has to ask him for it while Connor stares at him.

Connor then makes Khom lay on the bed and take his medicine, which puts him to sleep. Khom is incredibly upset- he's ruined Connor's last night on the island, and now a guest is losing out on enjoying the area because he has to take care of his guide.

The next morning, Khom wakes in intense pain from the leg. Connor again gives him medicine, and tells him to go back to sleep. Khom doesn't want to lose the time with Connor, but Connor won't hear it.

When Khom next wakes, it's late in the afternoon. Connor has not only missed his checkout time, but he's also missed the last boat off the island for the day. Khom is again embarrassed and upset, but Connor doesn't care.

Connor then reveals that he actually extended his vacation the night before, and did it specifically because he's interested in the island, but also in Khom. Mahasamut has also given Khom as his guaranteed tour guide for his extended stay. This kind of reminds Khom that he's acting like a prostitute, wanting to sleep with the man who he's been hired to guide.

The next morning, on one public beach, while Connor is swimming, Khom is approached by a group of guys (Khom can't get in the water with his injury). One of them is Jun, a local who was once a classmate of Khom's. Jun's family had the money to send him to school on the mainland, and he's returned with his rich friends, making fun of how shabby the island is.

Khom loves the island as fiercely as Mahasamut does, and Jun pisses him off. Jun belittles Khom, and right then Connor reappears and steps in. He puts Jun in his place, taunting him and destroying him and his dignity in front of his rich little friends, until they laugh at Jun and leave him.

Jun is pissed, but Connor is massive, and so he is forced to back down.

Connor then takes Khom back to Mahasamut's truck (that Khom had for the day) and helps him finally vent some emotion. Khom is mad at Jun but swallowing it, and Connor encourages him until Khom finally yells in the car. As a reward, Connor gives Khom a kiss.

Khom wants to be bold a little longer, and so he asks Connor if he can request a bigger award. Connor has been pursuing him all day, and making it clear how badly he wants Khom. The kiss also makes Khom realize that he wasn't dreaming the other night, Connor definitely took advantage of him when he was drunk.

But Khom is so thirsty that he doesn't care right now.

Connor lays Khom's seat down in the truck and gives Khom the best blowjob of his life, but won't let Khom touch him in response. He swallows most of the cum and feeds Khom a little, visibly becoming feral watching Khom shyly lick it off his fingers.

But when Khom wants to return the favor, Connor just straightens up as if nothing happened and drives Khom back home. Khom feels embarrassed and humiliated. Connor is visibly hard in his pants, but clearly he's decided Khom is incapable of taking care of him. As the night goes on, Khom sinks deeper and deeper into just feeling like some slut.

Khom takes Connor to some dive spots over the next day, but Khom has to stay on the boat while Palm dives with Connor, much to Connor's chagrin. Palm clearly knows Connor and Khom are interested in each other, but Khom's leg cannot get wet.

The next day, Khom takes Connor to a secret beach, one of several the locals kind of keep to themselves. It's isolated, pristine, and quiet. Connor wants to have a picnic, but this beach doesn't have a dock, a detail Khom forgot about. To protect Khom's leg, Connor jumps into the water and carries Khom to shore.

Connor and Khom start making out, and a storm hits. They move beneath an overhang and decide to wait out the storm. It is then that Connor asks Khom how old he is.

All this time, Connor has thought Khom was 16-17. Somehow in Connor's mind that translated to jacking off a drunk and protesting Khom was acceptable, as was giving him a blowjob and making endless sexual overtures to him, but letting Khom touch him sexually was not.

When Connor finds out Khom is 19, all bets are off. Connor and Khom pounce on each other, and have sex on the beach for several hours. Khom is shy and easily embarrassed, which turns Connor on. Connor is into sexual sadism, and Khom finds himself overwhelmingly turned on by the hard and rough sex Connor offers.

But after the sex is over, Khom is again embarrassed. Partly for breaking his own rules and sleeping with a client, but also how shamelessly he begged for Connor to be harder and rougher.

Connor calls Khom "honey", but is clear that that nickname is not the term of endearment, but a reference to his honey-colored skin. He'll also call him "baby", and during sex "slut". Khom, hiding his own self-loathing and shame for having sex without any kind of relationship, calls Connor "pervert" constantly.

Connor and Khom are insatiable after their sex on the beach. Khom accepts that he's just a slut, that none of this means anything to Connor, but it feels good. They burn through condoms hard and fast, and Connor shows his truest colors in repeatedly forcing orgasms out of Khom, long after Khom as begged for mercy.

But that's part of what he and Khom both enjoy. Because Khom very much does enjoy it.

Connor also comes to Khom's house to have real, authentic local food made by Khom's mother. He's polite and charming, and interested in learning about Khom. Connor finds out Khom is in college, studying on the mainland to a degree (he's in a small local school in the city where the ferry to the island picks up tourists), and that is as far as Khom has ever been.

Khom expresses some jealousy of friends of his who have been to Bangkok, and how it's a dream of his to go there someday. It's a bit subtle, but he expresses a desire to go further, and some disappointment that he won't.

That night, Connor calls his best friend Tongrak, and makes a few demands.

---

---

The next evening, as Khom is walking with Connor along a beach, Connor tells Khom that he will be leaving the next day. His vacation time is used up.

Khom is devastated, but tries not to show it. He's fallen in love with Connor over the last week and a half, thoroughly and truly, and while he always knew this day was coming, he is heartbroken. Khom knows he has no right to ask Connor to stay, he's just some islander who spread his legs for the man.

Connor then tells Khom that he'd like it if Khom left with him. He tells Khom he arranged a spot for him at a university, a private dorm, and will give Khom a large living allowance in exchange for Khom sleeping with Connor whenever he asks. Khom won't live with Connor, and Connor will mostly leave him alone, but they'll have sex at least once a week.

Khom is shattered.

He already thought of himself as a slut for throwing himself at a tourist, but Connor's words are shredding what dignity he thought he had in believing their attraction was mutual. Connor knows Khom's family isn't wealthy, and he knows Khom helps his father with work as much as possible, so Connor helpfully mentions Khom can send the money back to his parents to make things easier for them.

But Connor, growing up in privelige, doesn't understand how that sounds. Like he's looking down on Khom's family and what they have. Like he's saying they're so poor that they have to sell their son into sexual slavery just to make ends meet. Khom's family isn't wealthy, but they have as much as they need, and they're happy.

Khom punches Connor and runs away, hiding on a remote beach as he sobs. Everything he thought he had with Connor was a lie. Connor only saw him as some poor island boy who he could make his personal hooker.

Every nasty thing Type said to him is at the foreground of his mind as he processes his and Connor's relationship through an increasingly negative lense.

---

---

Khom stays out all night, hiding from the world. He doesn't leave the beach until Mahasamut comes to find him there, letting him know that Mut personally saw Connor off onto the boat. He's gone for good.

And he knows what went down. Mut tries to console Khom by saying he should have agreed to it, then made Connor pay not with his money, but with his heart. That's what Mahasamut would do if he was in Khom's shoes.

Khom brushes Mahasamut off, and tries to go back to his life.

But Connor had pissed off Jun a week ago, humiliating him in front of his rich friends and making them dump him in disgrace.

Jun asked around locals who worked at the resort, and found out that Khom was in Connor's room most nights. He also found out the trash of that room was filled with used condoms every day.

Jun jumps Khom outside of a local shop one evening. He picks a fight with Khom, who initially tries to put up a fight in return. Jun outs Khom as gay to the whole island, which takes a lot of the fight out of Khom as Jun loudly yells about all the used condoms in Connor's room and how Khom is some hooker who spread it for money because his family is poor.

And then Jun really brutlly starts wailing on Khom, and Khom's only awareness through the pain is that everyone is just watching. No one is helping him. They look vaguely disgusted (likely at the overall spectacle, but he reads it as them being disgusted with him).

---

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Khom loses consciousness, and Jun finally stops. A friend of Mahasamut's in the crowd calls the man, and while Mahasamut rushes to the area, the friend takes Khom to the hospital (you don't get the friend's name, but it's not Palm).

Khom regains consciousness enough to refuse to stay at the hospital, so Mahasamut comes and picks him up. The next time Khom wakes up, he's in Mut's shack, in his bed, with the older guy watching over him.

Mahasamut tells Khom that he bent arms and convinced as many people as he could to keep what Jun said quiet- about him sleeping with Connor and about him being gay. But Khom knows it's impossible for Mahasamut to silence enough people. Word has probably already gotten back to his parents.

Khom is terrified, positive his parents will throw him out for being gay, and feeling like garbage for ever sleeping with Connor. Mahasamut recommends he leave the island and go back to his dorm on the mainland, to give himself some time away for things to quiet down. Khom was already thinking along the same lines.

Mahasamut delivers Khom to the pier looking absolutely horrific, and Khom leaves without ever speaking to his family.

Over the next two weeks, Khom lives in absolute terror. He won't leave his room, barely eats, and can't sleep. Every footstep in the hallway he's scared it's someone coming to attack him for being gay. He won't answer any messages from anyone, and every ring of his phone makes him physically ill.

He also sinks deeper and deeper into every negative thought Connor's offer put into his mind. That he's only a slut, inhuman, delusional for ever thinking anyone could be attracted to him.

---

---

Connor, meanwhile, hasn't stopped thinking about the fight with Khom. It's eating him alive, and he's become short tempered and angry.

He knows he fucked up, that rage is directed inward. He arranged the university for Khom because he could see Khom's desire to study and grow beyond the confines of the island to learn and see the world.

He arranged the dorm to give Khom a chance to build his own life, because things could end with Connor at any time. That's how dating works. He wanted Khom stable. He mentioned sending money home because he misread Khom's devastation at his offer as Khom worrying about not being able to help his father with work.

And he mentioned sex in exchange because he's always teasing Khom with sex. But he fully understands how Khom could have taken it so wrongly, and is pissed at himself for not chasing after Khom and explaining it all clearly. But Khom blocked his number, and he has no way of reaching him.

Eventually, Connor has pissed Tongrak off enough that his friend tells him to just go talk to Khom. He has no vacation time left, so he flies down to the south on the weekend. He gets ahold of Mahasamut, who only tells him Khom is no longer on the island.

Connor remembers that Khom attended university, and so he gets a hotel on the mainland and intends to search the campus for any sign of him.

---

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Desperate to at least forget about Connor, Khom installs a hookup app on his phone. He has thoroughly crashed, and since he's only worthy of being a slut, he will be one. He finds a guy who is a bit old, a bit dumpy, but it's a foreigner who has green eyes.

But when Khom goes to meet the guy, forcing himself to step outside, the man is vastly different from his picture. Khom becomes more and more uncomfortable as the man leads him up to his hotel room, and tries to back out entirely. The man refuses to take no for an answer and drags Khom through the hallway.

Just before the man can throw Khom into his room, Khom is saved by a furious Connor. Connor happened to see Khom in the lobby- this is Connor's hotel- and after weeks feeling guilty for what he did to Khom, he's pissed as all hell to see Khom following some random man up to his room.

Connor drags Khom to his own room and throws him inside, ready to fight. He calls Khom a slut, but Khom becomes immediately defiant. Khom doesn't see himself as having anything left, he's utterly drowning and doesn't know if he can survive, so he cuts off Connor and tells him he accepts the deal. He'll be Connor's personal whore.

Connor is angry, and Khom is determined. He throws Khom on the bed and is extremely rough with him. By the end he's more gentle, forcing Khom to cum until he's numb, and it's time to go to the dorm so Khom can grab a backpack of personal items to leave with Connor.

But Connor was rougher than he'd ever been, and Khom is covered in bruises.

After that, Khom retreats into himself. He barely speaks, and even then only when Connor pushes. The only thing he says of his own volition is begging Connor to not make him get on an airplane (Khom is terrified of flying).

He doesn't know where Connor is taking him. Literally all he knows about Connor is his age, that he's Canadian, and that he speaks Thai. Not how he learned it, not where he lives, not what he does.

Connor relents, and they board a 16 hour bus ride to Bangkok. Khom is extremely uncomfortable. Connor was well beyond his tolerance the previous night, and it physically hurts to even sit on the bus seat. Khom pretends to sleep the whole ride to Bangkok, but he's too sick to his stomach at what he's doing. That he's sold himself.

He let Connor go beyond his tolerance because he believes that as a sex slave, he has no right to say no to Connor. Even if he protests in bed, they are insincere and part of his and Connor's CNC kink they developed on the island. He never fights it, never limits it. Even though it hurt.

Connor watches Khom the whole ride. He feels guilty for the bruises on Khom's sides, and knows he has to be in pain. But Connor can't figure out why the boy let him go that far. He was trying to get Khom to stop him. Pushing the limits so Khom would push back.

He doesn't know what happened the past two weeks, but looking at Khom and really studying him, he can see the boy is way too thin, and there are dark, deep bags under his eyes. He is pale and utterly terrified of something.

The bus hits traffic and they get to Bangkok later than anticipated. Connor can't miss work, if he knew he might have been able to take a personal day, but everything happened too fast, and he has meetings lined up until late at night.

Connor rushes Khom back to his apartment, and it's then that Khom very pitifully asks if Connor lives in Bangkok, then quickly apologizes for asking him anything personal. He also only calls Connor "sir".

Connor realizes that Khom internalized what he'd done on the island- keeping personal information private to the point where Khom thought he had no right to know absolutely anything.

There isn't time to explain, so Connor just tells Khom he can put his things on the sofa, and Connor will be back late that night. Khom pokes around the room a little after Connor leaves, but doesn't touch anything. He was told he could sit on the sofa, so that must be the only spot Connor would let a whore dirty in his home.

He looks out at the city, so overwhelmingly different from home, and spends the day balled up on the sofa crying.

---

---

That night, Connor comes home to a pitch black apartment. He realized with Khom's question about his personal life what Khom must be thinking, and starts to put the pieces together that Khom genuinely believes he has no rights.

Connor feels crushingly guilty. Khom is a naiive boy, and he's always known this. He wasn't careful enough in how he handled Khom, and knows now Khom must have been in agony their night together before coming to Bangkok.

When Connor sees the dark and empty apartment, his heart breaks. He thinks Khom must have left, fleeing him and his abuse. But then he turns on the light and finds Khom stirring on the sofa.

While Connor is relieved initially, he sees the black bags under Khom's eyes are only worse, and what's more, Khom is still in the same clothes. When he asks Khom, gently, why Khom didn't shower, Khom says Connor didn't give him permission.

Connor's heart breaks, and just when he thinks he can't feel any more guilt for how he's spoken to and treated Khom, he dares to ask if Khom has eaten anything. Khom hasn't, because Connor didn't give him permission to use the refrigerator. Khom references Connor's initial offer, how Khom isn't supposed to be in Connor's personal home, he'll have a spot of his own where he's kept until Connor wants to use him.

Connor tells Khom to forget everything he said on the island. The home is as much Khom's as it is Connor's, and he has complete reign over it. He can sleep in any bed he wants, use the television, use everything he wants right down to Connor's toothbrush if he needs it, and empty the fridge as much as he wants.

Khom showers and Connor tries to coax some emotion out of him by asking Khom what he wants to eat. But every food Khom has heard of in Bangkok (from Type) are pastries, and Connor feels worse and worse seeing the flicker of hope leave Khom's eyes each time he tells Khom he can't have it (the shops are closed, and Khom will probably make himself sick eating sweets after not eating for days).

Khom shuts down again, and tells Connor he will eat whatever Connor wants him to. Connor takes him out and orders too much food, feeling worse and worse as he watches Khom devour it. Khom doesn't eat a lot usually, and how quickly he shovels the food down tells Connor how much he's starved himself.

Before going home, Connor takes him to a grocery store. Khom won't ask for or buy anything, he's acting odd again and has retreated. So Connor leaves him by the entrance to sit while Connor buys more food to fill the fridge up with, plus any prepackaged pastries still left.

Back at the apartment, he puts all the food on a shelf in the fridge and reminds Khom that the whole fridge is his to use as he wants, but also emphasizes that the foods he put there today, Khom should think of as his and his alone. It's Connor's way to try and cover himself- if Khom doens't believe he can use anything in the kitchen, he at least has to believe that there is food that is HIS and he can eat at will.

Connor then gives Khom a cardkey to access the apartment, so Khom can wander freely. There are only two in existence, his and Connor's. Khom finally starts to believe that Connor is sincere, that maybe things will be alright.

And then Connor hands Khom a wad of cash.

From Connor's standpoint: Bangkok is more expensive than the island by a mile. He doesn't want Khom to have to sit around all week until the weekend when Connor can take him places. Doesn't want him dwelling on things in the apartment alone, and wants him to have the freedom to go to pastry shops and see museums, all the things Khom mentioned wanting to do back on the island.

But what Khom sees is Connor giving him his first payment. Reminding him, lest Khom get too happy, that he's nothing more than a prostitute that Connor has bought.

Connor can't figure out why Khom's face goes completely blank. He doesn't even hear Connor anymore, just puts the money at the bottom of his backpack and pulls Connor to the bedroom.

While Connor tries to get Khom to speak to him, Khom strips and lays on the bed, forcing his legs apart and telling Connor to go ahead.

All of Connor's self-loathing and guilt come roaring to the surface. He repeatedly tries to explain to Khom that the money wasn't in exchange for sex, but Khom has completely broken, even further than he knew he could break. He won't listen to the explanations or excuses, he won't hear any of it. He begs Connor to just use him, saying he needs Connor to do it, because he can't take feeling any worse than he already does. He feels worthless and like garbage, and if Connor won't let him do the one thing he thinks he's worth, he won't be able to take it anymore.

Connor snaps. He tells Khom he has no interest in having sex with him, and tells Khom to instead touch himself while Connor watches. He reminds Khom that Khom can't get hard without some pain, and forces Khom to finger himself, even though he's still swollen and bruised from the rough sex 2 nights before.

But Khom is too tired, too heartbroken, and too overwhelmed. Connor unceremoneously extends a leg and shoves his big toe into Khom's ass, and between the pain and Connor's command- which Khom's body has always obeyed above Khom's own will- he's able to get hard.

Eventually, Connor withdraws and Khom's fingers take their place, but he still can't get off. It's exhaustion, the bad kind of pain, and on top of all of that, Connor is glaring at Khom with only cold disgust on his face.

And Khom doesn't know that disgust is turned inward. He thinks Connor is disgusted with him.

Khom's already fragile mind breaks and he starts to openly sob, and tries to get away. Connor climbs onto the bed and starts roughly fingering Khom while making Khom continue stroking himself. He ignores all of Khom's sobbing and pleas for Connor to stop.

In a way, this is what Connor has wanted though- Khom holds everything inside, he keeps everything to himself and doesn't express himself, and that's always been the problem. On the island in the happier times- he never knew how much Khom was internalizing the dirty talk and all of that. How ashamed Khom was of himself every time they had sex.

So Connor takes on a gentler tone and tells Khom to keep crying. Eventually, he manages to make Khom cum, and Khom begs forgiveness for getting off first, and tries to pull at Connor's pants, even though he's still shaking and crying.

Connor punches the bed and storms out of the room, leaving Khom alone in his own cum, still crying.

Connor is utterly disgusted with himself, more than ever before. He likes when he makes Khom cry in bed, but a desperate, horny kind of crying. Not that soul-crushing sadness.

Connor doesn't sleep all night, and neither does Khom. Connor is horrified by his own actions, and vows not to touch Khom sexually again. He also decides to hold off explaining everything. He needs to build Khom back up mentally, to heal his psyche first and foremost.

He intends to build Khom's faith in him through actions, and when Khom is strong enough and has had some good days and full nights of sleep, then explain it all.

The next day, Khom pretends to be asleep when Connor tries to check on him, and Connor leaves to go to work. He leaves work early and raids every pastry store he can find, buying everything Khom mentioned the night before and then anything that Connor thought had sufficient sugar content.

When he gets home, Khom is again gone. But he walks in a few minutes later- he'd gone to the grocery store. Khom won't look at him and is visibly weak. When Connor says he thought Khom might have left him, Khom just says he doesn't have anywhere to go, but will leave if Connor makes him.

Khom thinks Connor is mad about last night, about Khom not being able to satisfy him after Connor paid good money for it. And now he thinks Connor is going to throw him out on the street.

Connor reassures Khom that will never happen. He shows Khom all of the foods and treats he brought, trying to bring any warmth to Khom's face.

A cream puff does the trick. It brings back a little bit of light, and Connor basks in that. When it comes time to go to bed, Khom again thinks he's expected to have sex with Connor, but Connor only holds him, saying he misses his warmth from their nights on the island sharing a bed.

For the first time in weeks, Khom sleeps deeply.

---

---

Connor takes Khom on a date, bringing him on the metro to the mall he bought all of Khom's treats from, and buying even more, anything Khom's eyes linger on. He also takes Khom to a sit-down restaurant that has southern food, something Khom is more familiar with.

When two girls flirt with Connor, he makes sure they know he belongs to KHOM. Khom is already overwhelmed by how overt a gay couple can be in the city compared to the environment he grew up on, and is both touched and put on edge by how overt Connor is.

That night, Connor realizes with a start that he's acting as mooney with Khom as his father acted when he fell in love with his stepmother, and realizes he's now sincerely fallen in love with Khom.

Things get significally better for Khom from there.

Connor is always gentle with him, asks permission to even touch Khom, and refuses to touch him sexually in any way. The most he allows himself is a peck on the cheek when he comes home from work.

He is also very aware that Khom won't ask him personal questions because of his previous deflection, so Connor makes a point of bringing things up. When his mother calls and Khom's eyes are wide at Connor speaking to her in Thai, Connor goes out of his way to explain that his step-mother is Thai.

Connor tells Khom about his family- his father, his beloved step-mother, and his half-brother. He promises he'll introduce Khom to them when they next come back to Thailand (a yearly trip).

This does help pierce through some of Khom's still present thoughts about being a prostitute. If Connor thought of him as only a sex object, then he wouldn't introduce Khom to his family. That's something you do for a person you like, right?

Khom shyly asks for permission to get a job helping at the kitchen of a small local restaurant. He reassures Connor it won't interfere with his "duties" with Connor, and won't tire him out. Connor is worried about Khom feeling overwhelmed, he's still very much recovering from a massive breakdown, but he won't restrict Khom in any way.

Besides, the work gives Khom money of his own, and Connor is afraid of giving Khom money again, afraid of Khom misunderstanding and going back to his dead-eyed state.

Connor also, after a month, has sex with Khom again. But only because Khom would really like it, and he refuses to do anything rough (even though, again, Khom really likes rough).

This time, to make up for all of the bad in the past, he is as gentle and soft as possible. His goal is to make Khom completely melt with happiness. Eventually they can get back to their wilder sexcapades, but Connor won't risk Khom, not while he's still picking himself back up.

---

---

More time passes, weeks, and Khom has saved up his money. He feels more secure with Connor now, and is starting to accept that Connor doesn't see him as a prostitute, and probably never has.

Khom has been gone for a long time now, and he gets a message from his old college that he's now missed too many classes and won't be given credit for the year. Khom decides to go and formally withdraw, and go to finally face his parents back on the island.

Connor desperately wants to go with him, but Khom wants a chance to handle things himself. He feels guilty for hiding. He spends his paycheck on gifts for his parents, and a nice handbag for his mother. Khom will go ahead, and in a few days Connor will fly down to join him.

Either to meet Khom's parents as Connor's boyfriend, or to console Khom if they throw him out.

---

---

Khom leaves for the bus terminal (man will NOT fly). Not long after he leaves, Connor's best friend Tongrak shows up.

Connor wasn't lying to Khom about there only being two keys to the apartment, it's just that the apartment is owned by Tongrak, who has the master key. He cuts the rent for Connor and their actress friend Vivie in exchange for being able to wander in and out of their places whenever he's feeling lonely.

Tongrak is a writer, but is bitterly lonely. He has major aversions to romantic relationships because of family trauma, and relies on his friends when it all becomes too much. Tongrak wanted to meet Khom, he's insanely curious, but he is too late.

Something Tongrak does with Connor when things become too hard is to just sleep with Connor hugging him. To feel physical contact. They've done this since their college days, even though neither has any sexual interest in the other whatsoever, and to be clear this is not a sexual act.

Tongrak flings himself on the bed, ignoring Connor's grumbling that he's laying on Khom's pillow and his perfume is covering Khom's scent. He only means to lay down for a little, but falls asleep.

---

---

Khom gets to the bus terminal and realizes he mixed up one of Connor's bags for the one his mother's gift is in. He was getting the last bus of the night, but he decides to surprise Connor by going home and leaving in the morning instead.

When Khom gets back to the apartment, he finds it dark, and follows a trail of Tongrak's discarded clothes (man isn't sleeping naked, just to be clear, he just likes wearing layers) to the bedroom he and Connor share.

And finds Connor sleeping curled around a painfully beautiful man Khom has never seen before.

Khom drops the bag he's holding and Connor sleepily calls out "Love?" (in Thai), pulling the man tighter.

Tongrak's name means "Must Love", the "Rak" part, his nickname, meaning "Love". It sounds like a pet name- and what's worse, one Connor never used with Khom.

To Khom, it looks like Connor couldn't wait to replace him with another, more beautiful man the moment he was gone. That Connor must have been just playing house all this time, while keeping his usual men off to the side.

---

Tongrak is woken in the morning by Connor viciously cursing. He woke up to find a note saying only "Goodbye", sitting on top of the original wad of cash he gave Khom on his first night in Bangkok.

Tongrak feels horrific. They figure out Khom must have missed his bus and come home, finding them napping together. Connor has told Khom about his family, but Tongrak never came up. He doesn't know, and it must have looked horrific.

Tongrak is the level head in the moment. While Connor is going insane, Tongrak reminds him that Khom will take the bus, which is a 16 hour ride. The flight, meanwhile, is only a couple hours long and can get him south infinitely faster, and with time to spare.

Connor feels horrible, imagining how much pain Khom must be in. He grabs his things to rush south, pausing only to make one fast stop on his way to the airport.

---

---

Khom arrives on the island feeling worse than he ever has. He cried the entire bus ride down, and feels more self loathing and disgust than he's ever felt.

But when he gets off the boat, Connor is already there.

In front of absolutely everyone, and at full volume, Connor yells that he loves Khom, and belongs only to Khom. He shows Khom that he's added Khom's name to a tattoo on his back of a tiger- a tattoo Khom always liked to stroke when they had sex.

Khom yells about catching Connor in bed with another man, and begs Connor to just leave him alone. He says that if he's with Connor, he won't be able to stand the pain any more, and is scared that one day he'll end up killing himself.

Connor immediately reassures Khom that Tongrak isn't a lover, but a friend. Tongrak himself is waiting with his phone close by to explain everything the moment Connor calls- though they don't do that until later on.

Khom is in so much pain, but Connor is giving him a lifeline in trying to explain. At least for the moment, to stop the pain for a moment, Khom says he'll believe him, and lets Connor kiss him.

Mahasamut, the shithead who is all about the drama, starts the clapping.

Khom and Connor move to a private area, where Khom listens patiently as Connor explains absolutely everything. Every misunderstanding, his intentions, the meanings behind every action and look, apologizing and begging forgiveness the whole time.

He also calls Tongrak, and Khom speaks to him. Tongrak feels absolutely wretched for causing the misunderstanding, and swears he will also apologize in person.

With everything out in the open, Khom feels better than he has in months. Things are still raw, but he feels safer with Connor, and understands Connor's intentions more.

It isn't total forgiveness- it's mentioned in Love Sea, taking place 5 months later, that Connor is still extremely sensitive to mentions of what happened in Love Sand and Khom still gets angry about it, but they're happy, together, and Khom feels secure enough to bicker and fight with Connor (who always lets Khom win).

Khom goes home with Connor, and while Khom's parents have some questions, they accept his sexuality. They found out about what happened to Khom when Mahasamut appeared at their house the day after Khom fled the island, dragging a bloody Jun with him to crawl on the ground and beg their forgiveness for hurting Khom.

Mahasamut has also spent the months Khom has been away making sure everyone on the island knows the same pain will be brought down on anyone who fucks with someone for being LGBT.

Khom will live with Connor in Bangkok, but for the next several months, he'll return to the island once a month for at least a weekend- possibly up to a week- to be with his parents. Connor agrees, even if it makes him sad that Khom will be gone.

Also, in acknowledgement that it's kind of stupid that Connor had time to get a tattoo and STILL got to the island several hours before Khom, Khom agrees to try flying instead of the day-long bus ride.

When the next school year starts up, Khom will go to the university in Bangkok that Connor and Tongrak had arranged before Connor proposed his disaster of a deal back when they first met. Connor will support him through his studies, and promises to never limit Khom in any way.

Khom also receives a long text from Type. Over the months since he last saw Khom, Type has fallen in love with his roommate Tharn, and the two are now a couple. He begs Khom's forgiveness for everything cruel he said- both on the beach to Khom's face, and over the years that Khom has been by his side as a friend.

Khom forgives Type, and the two maintain a social media friendship, not meeting up in Bangkok, but staying in contact via SMS. Having Type back in his life as a friend helps soothe a lot of the remaining pain, and Khom feels more stable and secure than ever... Even though Connor feels a bit insecure that Khom is texting with his first love again...

By the timeline of Love Sea, Connor and Khom are mostly past their issues from Love Sand, and Connor has brought Khom to Canada to give him his first taste of international travel and show him the world. Khom has also been accepted by Connor's family, quickly becoming a welcome addition and favorite.

Meanwhile, Connor and Khom start to turn their attention on Tongrak, and think it might be a fun kind of chaos to send Connor's favorite annoyance (Tongrak) to meet Khom's favorite annoyance (Mahasamut).

Though neither can seem to decide if they'll hit it off, or if Mahasamut will annoy Tongrak to death...

[mewwfr]

Oh my god, staff.....

This auraboa issue with the lore being (most likely) unintentionally racist is especially maddening to me, because the concept they seem to want to portray (based purely on the encyclopedia entry) is very similar to an OC I have, and so I can say with experience, it's incredibly difficult to convey! ESPECIALLY when you try to portray it inside a short story where you're cutting lines for word count (their forum reply mentioned they left out some lines to keep it short)

Instead of getting across the concept the encyclopedia entry seems to allude to, the short story just accidentally walks into like 10 racism rakes in a row and its truly agonizing for me to watch, knowing what i assume the actual lore's intent is.

encyclopedia quote: "Older generations of Auraboa existed in a constant state of communion with their fellows. They refer to this connection as The Loop. In this persistent state they perceive time and memory in a non-linear manner; their intertwined considerations for past and present events are such that it became difficult for a dragon outside The Loop to grasp the intentions of these ancient wyrms."

what seems to be the intention is that the auraboa are a hivemind that doesn't experience time the same way other dragons do- they experience past, present, and future all at once and thus cannot communicate well NOT because they have a different language, but because they aren't experiencing TIME ITSELF in the same fashion as the dragons! However, in practice, in the story, the auraboa seem to speak with words in the proper order, just haltingly, since otherwise the story itself couldn't work at all.

another encyclopedia bit: "The newest generation of Auraboa is not linked to The Loop in their waking hours. While they move through the world, they are less directly accessible and read as "silent" to Auraboa who are within the communal state. This disconnection has allowed the young Auraboa to experience time in a linear fashion, and with this new understanding they have begun to form connections with other species of dragon that have never before been possible."

The encyclopedia seems more clear about the Linear Time thing, and that being why they can actually communicate sensibly, but in the act of having a story where the older ones DO communicate with the outside dragons and get a point across, they've kind of not shown the reason why dragons and auraboa COULDNT communicate before! which is! a big thing!

If they'd implemented the auraboa speaking with everything in the wrong order instead of halting single words at a time, i feel like the intention would get across better. As it is, it just smacks them directly into the 'simple native' stereotype with a truly awful tripping into the 'having our kids be taught by outsiders' which is. a really wretched parallel, as many native people have spoken of the unimaginable violence of residential schools.

I feel like the encyclopedia entry Alone isn't nearly as awful (still not great, but not as bad) as the extremely poorly implemented story that managed to ddr dance onto a bunch of horrible tropes.

they were literally so bad at conveying the fact that the auraboa are a hivemind that is unmoored from time, that i see people misinterpreting the lore as auraboa having their own weird language that other dragons can't understand! there was not enough effort put into conveying the ideas they tried to convey, and what WAS put forward was literally chock full of the most unfortunate parallels physically possible.

[greatbritishsimchallenge]

The day of Margaret's ageing up had finally arrived. While birthdays were not celebrated by those of the Pure Faith, Lady Catherine had organised for an appraisal: an opportunity for Lady Catherine and Lady Mary to evaluate Margaret's appearance and demeanour and assess her preparation for marriage.

"Hmmm... you are undeniably beautiful - that is always a useful prerequisite, if not a sinful requirement on the part of your suitors," remarked Catherine.

"And her Purity is impeccable, thanks to your Ladyship's hard work," added Lady Mary.

"Quite," continued Catherine.

Margaret tried to remain humble and modest while they heaped their praise upon her, but she couldn't help but feel a strong sense of pride.

Story continues under the cut (trigger warning: body shaming)

"There is only one issue that I can see - do you see it too, Lady Mary?"

"I am afraid I do, Lady Catherine: She is much too fat."

"Quite," agreed Lady Catherine.

At this, Margaret's confidence immediately dissipated.

"I just do not understand how this could have happened, my Lady?" said Lady Mary. "I was very strict - even in Tartosa - that the girls eat only plain, unsweetened foods."

Catherine frowned as she continued thinking, "Margaret - do you have an explanation for this?"

Margaret blushed - she knew the reason. Peggy would constantly sneak her and Frankie cakes and tarts in the evenings.

"I... I must atone, mama," Margaret explained. "Sometimes, when I would get hungry in the night, I would sneak alone to the kitchens and eat more food."

Lady Catherine sighed and shook her head, "You may atone for that with a full day of fasting and church tomorrow. Still, we cannot leave this unresolved. Your very appearance conveys the sin of gluttony - no true follower of the Pure Faith will accept that."

Lady Catherine turned to Lady Mary, "See that Lady Margaret eats only once per day and is on the plainest and purest of foods until her sins are resolved."

Lady Mary nodded while Margaret fought back her tears.

Start (Iron Age) | Start (Roman Britain) | Start (Anglo Saxon) | Start (Medieval) | Start (Tudor) | Start (Stuart)

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[slaaverin]

What was it that surprised you about Muse?

I thought Jimin was clearly saying Muse was about his passion for his art. I think it again had a lot to do with performing and not doing a lot of live performances and meeting Army, he more or less says this to Namjoon, and in his letter which is on display at the exhibition. I don’t think it’s as personal he says that too Joon as well. The exhibit intro also focuses on how it was about Jimin finding his artistic vision. He said to Joon that Who was a vehicle to stop and say, wait that’s not what I was feeling, but he was talking about his art. When he said about talking to his friends and they all felt similarly flat, that doesn’t mean in love necessarily, he said it was about passion or life, and as someone who has depression that happens. He also spoke about not always liking his work all of the time. That’s what the album is about to me. In my mind he started writing in 2022, he said he spoke to the members in vegas and they told him to write his feelings, that became Face. The songs he was working on with outside producers is Muse, so essentially it became a second album. All finished in June 2023. Face needed to come first and if you listen start to finish you can hear the story he is telling. As you said Letter being a hidden track is telling, that is a very personal song. Almost too personal.

Muse then starts with Rebirth which is a beautiful song, and almost a literal rebirth from Face, I’d say it’s the only autobiographical song on the album. This is why it leads. With the interlude after it, to structurally separate it from the rest. The circus theme from face continued here, he’s putting on a show, the Smereldo garden marching band , which they tell Loco is a vehicle to help people tell their hidden truths. Loco who Jimin said they picked bc he just got married so could convey the feeling needed. SGMB and the truth untold, a focus of the album, his exhibition being named the same thing. What truth is Jimin actually trying to tell us? What does he say he wants us to misunderstand? To me the only logical explanation is the opposite of what Who is about, if that’s about finding love, maybe Jimin has already found it. The billboard being probably key in this.

However to me, because Jimin said Muse isn’t personally linked, it really is just a good, fun album for Army. Face is deep and personal, Muse is light and relatable. Again in his letter Jimin says he wants to make music for Army. That’s Muse. I think face needed to happen for him, and he didn’t probably expect its success, something he also said in his letter.

Previous anon says about him being in the studio when talking with the producer but it’s not like he’s going to tell a room full of strangers about his personal life. He said it was like they read his diary but that can mean many things, including just being put on the spot having to explain something. He found a song that gave a very universal feeling, which he also says, everyone is alone..well that is a strong statement but not what he meant imo, because not everyone is physically alone, but actually as humans we are alone in the world, we live our own experience, but we seek connection with others. Love is a universal language. When the producers said Jimin couldn’t relate to the feelings of some of the songs, to me again he has no right to divulge any personal information about Jimin, especially not in his absence.

I know full well he cannot declare a love outright, if he said he knows love or has done could you imagine what would happen? but he did say rebirth is about having a crush on someone he fell in love with. This is what I mean about it being the only autobiographical song, one he knows the experience of but couldn’t openly say. One that continues the promise from Letter. The one ft a certain someone.

Oh I was simply surprised because Muse was so different from Face that it took me a bit off-guard at first lol

I agree with your train of thoughts anon. I arrived pretty much to the same conclusions.

Thanks for sharing your view 💜

[colourful-jack]

Paper Talk Special: YOSHIHARA Rieko's interview (1989)

“Riki is an almost full-grown black panther”

YOSHIHARA Rieko has written in a wide variety of genres, from high-school stories to fantasy and science fiction. If there is one thing her characters, like Aki and Kacchan or Iason and Riki, have in common, it’s their impressive charisma. We had the opportunity to ask her more about Ai no kusabi in this interview.

Profile

Pen name’s origin: My birth name. My family name changed when I got married, so I thought “nobody would know it’s me!”.

Date of birth: October 4th, 1954

Blood type: B

Place of birth and residence: born in Fukuoka Prefecture, living in Kumamoto Prefecture

What made you send your manuscript to the magazine: It had been a long night…

1. What made you start writing Ai no kusabi?

I didn’t really… want to write about “pure love” in a science fiction setting (ah ah ah), because I wanted to write about an “encounter” than would not just be casual, the bonds it would create and the various feelings they would draw along.

2. Which character can you empathize with the most?

Probably Riki, as one could expect. Because, even though he has a sharp tongue and is quite mature, his way of thinking is fundamentally straight. Him running around struggling yet unable to act, because he’s caught between two feelings of different natures, makes him seductive, I like it.

3. What is your favourite scene? And what is a line you like?

My favourite, hmm… It would have to be the scene where Katze cries while stifling his voice. But I also cannot put aside the scene where Riki is kept waiting in vain in the rain by Guy… As for the lines, those would be “there’s no way I’m letting him die alone” or “you may be able to look the other way despite everything, but I… wouldn’t be worth more than trash if I did. I couldn’t go on living.”

4. Could you tell us about the creation process of the characters, like Riki and Iason? (size, weight, blood type, date of birth, etc.)

I had their personality roughly figured out, so I didn’t think about their finer characteristics, but…

Riki: Because he’s a slum mongrel, I pictured him as an almost full-grown black panther. Not frail, but slender and lithe. As for his appearance, his intelligence shines through the strength of his obstinate spirit, that’s all.

Iason: Since he’s an absolutely perfect member of the elite and the Black Market’s king, he should definitely be like the God of the Sun Apollo, but raised in the depths of the sea (or something). He’s shrewd and good-looking, incredibly proud, and wouldn’t collapse under any circumstances. Regarding his height, all things considered, he’s a head taller that Riki.

Guy: In my first draft, he was a tolerant and broad-minded herbivorous felid… that was my intention, but I wonder where and how things went wrong.

Raoul: His looks, intellect and handsomeness are on par with Iason’s. He has a sense of humour and, even more than Iason, nerves of steel.

Katze: Went from being raised in the slums to being a Furniture in Eos to being a broker on the black market. Putting aside the protagonists, he’s the one with the most dramatic life, so that’s probably why I gave him a tragic handicap, like being a scarface or being a man without manhood…

Kirie: Representing slum dwellers in their late teens, he’s overconfident and reckless. He has a very limited worldview, so he’s the most fragile yet also the most dangerous character.

5. Concerning the way you chose the characters’ names, you previously said you were “drawn to the “dragon” kanji”, were you fixated on something like that for Ai no kusabi?

This time I wanted to give them names that would fit their character, so… I gave Riki a name conveying “power” (riki is one of the few ways to read the kanji meaning “power”), I named Iason after a hero from Greek mythology, and Guy after the goddess of the Earth, Gaia, for his ability to embrace everything. But when you list them, they’re not consistent. All things considered, you could say they’re just far-fetched choices, ah ah ah…

6. Writing Ai no kusabi, what did you enjoy? What did you find difficult?

For the most of it, the story was ever changing with the characters’ feelings, so until I had reached the ending, I had fun worrying (somehow) while writing. Difficult things that would bring wrinkles to my forehead, I tend not to think too much about them.

7. A number of different types of Pet Rings appear in readers’ four-case mangas, but how do you picture them yourself?

No, well, when it comes to Riki’s, its basic image was something like Sun Wukong’s circlet. Looking at it like this makes Journey to the West quite salacious too… don’t you think?

8. Could you tell us your thoughts about the cassette adaptation?

I thought “Are you sure we can really do that?”… but when it became real, well, I mean, ah ah ah, what could I say? As you know, this work involves many human relationships, some violent lines, and it’s quite heavy on that. “How can we make all that fit in 60 minutes?” I wondered… When I heard the tape for the first time, it dawned on me that letters and voices are truly two completely different things, obviously. I wrote it, so it’s weird for me to say that, but I thought “can I really make Mr SEKI and Mr SHIOZAWA say those things?”… on the other hand, when I wondered what faces they made then, Tokyo felt so far away… So those were my thoughts. But everyone used their beautiful voice to give impassioned performances, so I’m very happy!

9. And lastly, what is June to you?

A breather between child rearing and house chores, a teatime friend… or something like that. (October 1989)

[birbliophile]

Hello, I hope you don't mind me sending this to your asks box. I couldn't really figure out where to best send the message, but I really wanted to express my heartfelt appreciation for The Taste of Goodbye, so I just decided to send it as an ask. I cannot properly express my gratitude with words alone, but it's worth a try.

First of all - and I'm starting to sound like a broken record here - I obsess over so many aspects of Dungeon Meshi and its characters. One of those aspects I obsess over is Marcille, and how she'd cope with inevitably outliving everyone she holds dear. I think she'd manage, but I wanted to see more stuff exploring that in particular. I've seen comics about it. Beautiful little snippets that leave a hole in my chest and a rope neatly tied around my lungs, but this is the first time I've discovered an actual story about it. And not just any story. No, no no… It's an expertly crafted masterpiece, written in a way that makes me feel emotions I didn't even know I could still feel.

I can't go into detail without spoiling anyone in case this is responded to, but what I can say is that each chapter is unique. With each passing comes a new banquette, and with each new banquette come valuable memories, which can be cherished forever. Sure, they're gone, but their memories and legacy remain. Even if everybody who remembers you has passed away, the world is ever changing and worth exploring. It is worth it to cherish every moment, even if you're the last one standing. You only live once, and every moment of life has meaning. I think Chapter 9 and 10 have some of the most touching, saddening and simultaneously beautiful and hopeful conversations ever. After dwelling on Marcille's lifespan for so long, I'm almost kind of ashamed I never discovered this story before, but now that I've read it, I am eternally grateful.

Your writing style is so perfect for this, the narration describing each action worked wonders for my vivid imagination, and I had no trouble whatsoever imagining these scenes as though they were actually happening. Reading about Marcille's reaction to each passing, as slowly but surely she outlives everyone she loves... It's heartbreaking. The agony of parting is almost palpable. Like a thick smog clogging up my lungs as tears stream down my face. But with each passing, there's a silver lining. Their memories and legacy remain. The people they met, the friends they made, they hold onto those memories and cherish them.

On a more personal note - which I think is necessary to properly convey my gratitude for having read this story - it's almost like coming full circle with the story of Dungeon Meshi and how it affected me. I've attended plenty of funerals, and I felt just as distraught, yet simultaneously hopeful reading this story as I did when I was attending those funerals. At some point though, I stopped caring. I was tired of mourning and shedding tears, and so I stopped crying. I desensitized myself so I no longer had to face the pain of loss, and it's made me very out of touch with my emotions. Dungeon Meshi was the first story I ever read, where I resonated with its characters as deeply as I did. For the first time in years, I was crying, and it hurt. Physically. I genuinely thought I was having a heart attack or broke my ribs, because I hadn't actually felt true sadness in such a long time that my mind and body almost felt like they were at odds with one another, as though my mind was out of practice with emotions, and my body was all too eager to teach it.

Dungeon Meshi has so many themes that stuck with me, and it drove me to feel something again. Something more than weird sensations stapled down under years of desensitization. In a sense, reading this story, about Marcille attending her friends' funerals, is like coming full circle. I was looking forward to reading this because it explored a topic I'm deeply interested in, but now that I finished it, it feels like it completed the story for me in a way not even the post-ending comics could. I wasn't expecting that, but I'm very glad.

I'm sorry if this is kind of an awkward rant, and I'm sorry if it's way longer than actually necessary, but I really wanted to express just how grateful I am I found your story. I am privileged to have experienced this, and my only regret is that I'll never be able to experience it the same way again. I look forward to reading more of your stories.

Thank you.

Wow! Imagine my surprise and delight to get such a kind and extensive comment about The Taste of Goodbye in my inbox! I needed quite a bit of time to compose my response, so here it is:

Marcille’s lifespan being so integral to the themes of Dungeon Meshi is something that also captivated me when I read the manga, and part of the reason I started writing TTOG was because at the time, the fandom was still growing exponentially and there weren’t a ton of fics on ao3 about Marcille and outliving her friends. 

Grief has always been a major theme in my writing, which I honestly only recently kind of figured out. I often say I like happy, fluffy stories, and that is still true—a lot of my works are rather comedic in nature. But grief—the pain of loss, the way it can tear you apart and ache like a wound that will never fully go away, it’s something I find deeply human and fascinating to explore. 

But it’s not really the pain that I find myself drawn to. It’s the love. There’s a quote from the game God of War: Ragnarok that stuck with me a lot and that I’ve thought about every time I write a new grief piece, and it goes like this: 

“The culmination of love is grief. And yet we love despite the inevitable, we open our hearts to it…To grieve deeply…is to have loved fully. Open your heart to the world as you have opened it to me, and you will find every reason to keep living in it.”

It’s a fantastic summary of everything I adore when I write about grief. To write about grief is to write about love, about remembering everything that was good and bad that will never be again, but will always be carried in the hearts of those that survive. Similarly, when I write about death I like to highlight the beauty of life, of change, of what makes life worth living.  

Every life is celebrated, wonderful in its own way, and no life is wasted if there is love in it.

I’m so glad that Dungeon Meshi was such an important piece of art for you, to get you to experience sadness and catharsis in such a powerful way. It’s so cool that art can do this kind of thing! I think good art is deeply important to humanity for this reason—it’s like carving out a piece of your soul and having it resonate with others like the song they never knew they were aching for. 

TTOG is one such piece of my soul, and I’m both immensely surprised and grateful that it’s touched so many people. It might come as a surprise to many that I wouldn’t consider it my magnum opus—I didn’t set out to make it the best thing ever, I just wanted to write a story I hadn’t seen yet in the fandom, and like you said, to bring the story full circle regarding the themes around Marcille, life, and food. In fact, there are a few lines that I’m like “hm, I could’ve done better” and often I’m like “has no one noticed that I forgot the beach I mentioned in Chapter 5 does not exist?” 

But I was very genuine when I wrote it—with all my writing I approach it with emotions that it would be easy to play cool or be ironic about. And I think it’s very clear in my narration how much weight and feeling I give to grief and to love. Which means I’m pretty satisfied with TTOG in the end! 

You absolutely don’t have to apologize for sending me this, I can’t express enough how happy it makes me to get comments from people about how much they enjoyed the writing I create! To have your creation be so meaningful and inspire such deep emotions in others is truly one of the greatest achievements for an artist. 

I don’t know if I’ll ever write anything that hits that hard for so many people again, but I do have a few concepts cooking that might end up having a similar energy to TTOG if I find the energy to complete them. 

Since I mainly write for the Dr. Stone fandom, it may take some time for me to come back to my Dungeon Meshi projects. But I’m happy to see that if/when I do start posting more Dungeon Meshi writing, I’ll definitely have an audience of people who really enjoy my style and themes.

Thank you so much for taking the time to share your thoughts about TTOG with me, and I hope you have a lovely day.  

Oh, and to anyone wondering, the fic mentioned here can be read on ao3 as The Taste of Goodbye by Birbliophile (that’s me, of course!) Warning for BIG end-of-manga spoilers!!

[royal-misfit]

The Painscreek Killings Review (Spoiler Free)

Vivian Roberts, the wife of the former mayor of the village of Painscreek was found murdered outside her mansion in July 1995. Four years later, the case is still unsolved, and the village has been abandoned. With the auction of the land almost complete, it's only a matter a time before Painscreek is bulldozed and any chance of this crime being solved gone forever. You play as reporter Janet Kelly, it's up to you to find out what happened the summer of 1995 and bring the truth to light. Along the way, you'll dive deeper into the personal lives of the former residents of the village and uncover the dark secrets of the inhabitants.

The Painscreek Killings takes a unique approach to the detective genre. For one, there are no suspects to interview/interrogate. You as the player are all alone in Painscreek, a ghost town full of the belongings of residents that left two years before the start of the game. Instead, you learn more about the people of the village through the diaries you find skewed around the map, alongside keys and other clues to help you progress. There is no quest marker to help you keep track of everything. All you have is a camera, a documents page, and a map screen (that you cannot edit). You are as close to a real life detective the game designers could create for a mystery game.

There is little dialogue in the game itself, as mentioned you came to the village alone, most dialogue that exists comes from the very beginning (a co-worker of yours explains why you're at Painscreek) and a few voicemails left by the villagers before they left. That's not to say the game is silent. The designers knew the importance of music for setting the tone and atmosphere of their game. Every location has a music track that perfectly conveys the dread and tension that comes with exploring an abandoned place. The moments where the sound cuts out completely had me feeling so tense I was tempted to step away from the game entirely, but the story and need to find answers kept me coming back.

It's hard to talk about the story in games like this, because the game is the story. Most summaries of the plot would spoil the twists and reveals that are integral to the mystery genre. I will say that the writers of the game did a phenomenal job keeping me invested in not only the main mystery of the game but also the side mysteries as well. If you pay attention to all the clues, you should have no problem finding the killer. Some players might find fault with the last section of the game due to an admittedly abrupt tonal shift, but the sequence is fairly short and didn't hurt the overall experience I had. Final Score: 8/10

Positives:

Masterful use of atmosphere and tone

Compelling characters and beautifully crafted story

Plenty of twists and turns to keep you guessing

Negatives:

Repetitive gameplay loop might be boring to some players

Final sequence of the game can be extremely jarring.

I highly recommend checking The Painscreek Killings out if you are at all interested in mystery games. The game is normally around $20 on steam, but it's currently 75% off until June 24th.

[amewinterswriting]

Something that troubles a lot of new writers is the concept of ‘idea theft’. They are reluctant to share their concepts or plans, even amongst peers, because they are concerned that people will steal their ideas. Because of this, they don’t seek feedback on their ideas and hinder their creative growth.

The thing is, ideas are cheap, they aren’t original and they cannot be copyrighted. As tough as that can be to hear, the sooner you internalise it as a creative person, the more opportunities for growth you will have. But let me explain a little bit.

Ideas are cheap. A very good practice for anyone writing is to carry around a small notebook (or utilise the notes function on your phone) and brainstorm ideas in your daily life. Catching the bus to work? Observe people. Take note of what buildings you pass. Notice road names. What is the story behind them? How did they get here? Where are they going? How about writing down as many names for WIPs as you can in five minutes? Bonus points if you can work in a pun or innuendo into them. Make notes of local slang and dialects in your area/language. The point is, you can fill a notebook with ideas relatively quickly. The hard part is deciding which ideas you want to dedicate more time to, fleshing them out, writing the many thousands of words, editing, editing, more editing. Not to say anything of actually getting the idea out there, whether via an agent and traditional publishing or going it alone. Why would someone steal an idea for monetary gain if they still have to do 99% of the work? They could be spending that time on their own ideas, and probably be happier to do it.

Ideas aren’t original. You’ve probably heard that there are seven basic plots (if not, I highly recommend searching it up) - while you might disagree with the number or type of plots there are, the vague premise is true - stories and story shapes, characters and archetypes, tropes and themes have all been around for thousands of years, and I promise you that you haven’t suddenly discovered a new one that has never been done before. The more you read and consume and analyse story-based media, the more apparent it will be: works reference the works that have gone before it, sometimes blatantly, sometimes with a wink and a smile, and most often, entirely subconsciously on the part of the author. All of this is part of our cultural makeup, whether you like it or not. We are a species of storytellers, drawing on the tales we remember to craft anew. The creative part of creative writing comes in when we choose how to combine these story elements to convey the story we want to tell. The specific addition of details, the reinterpretation of themes, the unique point of view of the writer - that’s where the originality is. Two people can be given the prompt: ‘a werewolf gets into trouble on the full moon’ and both people could write wildly different stories. The trouble could be danger from a monster hunter, or the actions they took while transformed and can only barely remember. Or they could be as clumsy as the average greyhound and get themselves tangled in a fence. Or their mother could be telling them off for marking their territory inside the house! Depending on your interpretation, it could be straight-up horror, comedy, or a metaphor for being drunk. 

Ideas cannot be copyrighted. Given the above paragraph on all ideas being part of our cultural consciousness, this is a good thing. Star Wars could not exist without drawing on the ideas of samurai films, westerns and fairy tales. Modern fantasy as a genre draws from Tolkien, who referenced folklore and Shakespeare and filtered it through his own lived experiences and cultural identity. Modern Dystopian YA would look very different without the previous ideas of Orwell, Heller, Huxley and Bradbury. If anyone could have locked those ideas away, never for anyone else to use again, we would be culturally poorer off, and creating anything would be such a legal nightmare that no one would ever be able to do it. 

All this to say that idea theft is rare, and even if it does happen, their interpretation of the idea will be different to yours. (That isn’t to say that full works don’t get stolen, and it is prudent to have some kind of way to prove that a manuscript is originally your work. That is a topic for another time.) But sharing your ideas, especially with other writers, is a great way to refine, polish, and clarify what your concept is. Feedback from others is one of the best ways we can grow as creative people and make our work the best it can be. It doesn’t need to be public, it might just be a private chat with a writer friend. But expose your idea to new points of view and see where it takes you. You might be surprised!

This essay is also available on my Ko-fi. You know, just in case something happens to Tumblr in the near future.

[suguruuuu]

Thoughts on Gojo's fate at the end of JJK

Originally I thought that Gojo would definitely either a) die or b) rendered unable to fight (by somehow losing his CT, maybe through a binding vow or through grievous injury).

For ending a) that's mainly me wishing for a satosugu tragic ending where they both die to defend their values. However I do agree that I'd prefer an ending where Gojo gets final closure and can bury Geto. The ending wouldn't be satisfying if he doesn't get at least that.

As for ending b) it's me wanting for Gojo to have a full arc, especially as a central part of the story/world. Gojo as a character has for so long been defined by his power and what he provides for other sorcerers. Thr nature of his birth with two techniques made it unavoidable. He's constantly overworked as the only active special grade sorcerer (until Yuta's appearance, but keep in mind Yuta has only been active for 1 year). Though the strongest, he's somewhat stripped of his personhood and used as a tool for the jujutsu world and as a political pawn for the Gojo clan. His power and skill supercedes who he is as a person to his detriment.

Gojo's goal to raise the next generation of sorcerers to surpass him and lead a new jujutsu world is established very early on. During the culling games we see the students push themselves beyond their limit and undergo immense growth even in his absence. I think shows thematically that Gojo's ability isn't necessarily essential for the next generation to progress. Another key point of Gojo's worldview is that he wants all of his students to reach new heights so no one is left behind like Geto was. This possible ending also ties nicely into the most significant line Geto says to Gojo in his defection:

"Are you the strongest because you're Satoru Gojo? Or are you Satoru Gojo because you're the strongest?"

Does Gojo's power define who he is? Can Gojo and his power be distinguished from each other in the first place? Gege and Gojo's VA have said that Geto was the only other person that could truly understand him and in this moment it could not be truer. Geto sees right through Gojo despite the latter having the Six Eyes. Geto's returns in JJK 0 and Shibuya mark him as Gojo's major weakness, but more importantly as one of the few problems Gojo cannot overcome with his power alone. As he said himself, love is the most twisted curse of them all. Gojo overcoming Sukuna with just power seems antithetical to the themes JJK wants to convey. A Gojo that keeps his power in the end still carries the world's burdens and stands alone above other sorcerers.

An ending where he loses his cursed technique allows for Gojo, who's for so long only known as The Strongest, to live as just Satoru again.

[2n2n]

well its time for me to express my thoughts about all this. Sincerely!!

A tasteful choice to drop this image with the volume that confirms Tsukasa's Yorishiro status....

I love the petals falling out, as if Amane has just plucked off the lid, and in the cascade of wind, some feather-light blossoms are swept up... I love that the coffin has a little window to peek into.

We could imagine this as a purely symbolic image, but that's both no fun, and I do not think it is symbolic! I think it's our first glimpse into Amane's deepest boundary.... a glimpse we've finally earned after so much story.........

First off: this entire time one of my most pressing questions has been: why is Tsukasa dressed like this!!!

Tsukasa's outfit is very formal. As far as I understand, a hakama+kimono combination suchas this would only be worn to something like a rare formal event (wedding, funeral, ceremony of some sort…), or be worn by a priest working at a shrine. Given that a Yorishiro is a sortof sacred shrine object, and a boundary is a mystery's personal shrine,

it was my vague 'best' assumption this whole time that Tsukasa's outfit was meant to evoke the sortof general holy, priestly vibes in particular. Simple, like, "well, maybe if a Yorishiro is a person, they naturally are in shrinely attire?" … only after seeing Hakubo/Sumire do we get an idea of how personal and intimately reflective a boundary truly is.

Hakubo's boundary represents his endless reflection over Sumire's final day. Hakubo feels an aimless, mysterious fixation, trying to understand what he 'wishes' had happened, what he 'wanted', what he wants for Sumire, what he felt, what he feels now. What he could have done for her, and why he wanted things to be different.

while I'm here did you know Hakubo only seems to use the 'boku' pronoun? This gives him a childish feeling.... at the least, it conveys his demeanor of deference.

Hakubo has never 'wanted' or 'wished' for anything, in his life; only doing as he was told. His boundary reflects his thoughts, which can't move further, which have no greater conclusion. An incomplete, perpetual loop, 'stuck'. Sumire faces her 'death' over and over and over in the deepest pits of his boundary. She cannot change the events. Only Hakubo can.

As Hakubo wanders alone with Sumire, the villagers disappear. As Hakubo addresses his memories, experiences quiet peace with Sumire, the boundary begins to weep around them.

addressing his ultimate desire at the root of it all (a wish to not be an Oni; a wish to be human, to give Sumire what she wants, to fall in love with her, in a way he was convinced he could not do), it storms and thunders with his pain. It seems to evoke his feeling.

So....

what emotions does Amane have for Tsukasa, to adorn him in ceremonial attire, to shower him in cherry blossoms?

The sakura, as a briefly-blooming flower, is typically associated with fleeting, delicate, ephemeral beauty....

"it is in full bloom in a flash, and scatters in a flash. In the moment of its short life, the Japanese feel beauty." x

The sakura is also generally associated with feminine beauty in particular. Gracefulness...

Not surprising to see Tsukasa steeped in language addressing beauty. Tsukasa is often symbolized with the moon (and his name itself evokes the moon), obviously... something Amane is reverent about.

Actually, the sakura in the coffin are different from a typical sakura blossom. They are rather a specialty, fanciful variety that ruffle with many layers of petals.This multi-layered cherry blossom is called a yaezakura! I guess I would say it makes this feel like an unusually ornate, spectacular display.... as far as I understand, this sort of tree would be planted in particular locations deliberately, suchas beside a shrine.

Rested peacefully in a bed of yaezakura blossom, adorned in elegant solid hakama and black silk kimono, all convey a vision: something beautiful, something sacred, something delicate, something graceful, something short-lived, something cherished!

Tsukasa died in his school uniform stained in blood, stabbed in the chest, on wooden slat flooring. Amane died soon after, and their parents did, as well. Tsukasa did not get any sort of sacred ceremony or memorializing upon death.... so this is as far from a reflection of their final moments as one can get. It must be something more symbolic of Amane's feelings, than something reflective of any lived moment.

when you look at Tsukasa, do you think of sacred, ethereal, feminine, graceful beauty? The delicate petals of a Sakura blossom falling, in all its short-lived splendor?

.... doesn't matter! Apparently... Amane feels something particular about Tsukasa which is expressed in these symbols.

while we're thinking of flowers, the camellia is associated with 'modest beauty', as it lacks a fragrance... the camellia also simply drops its entire head upon death, while the cherry blossom sheds its petals beautifully.

I don't think we really have a complete vision of Tsukasa just yet....

But beyond that ....

it's interesting that Tsukasa doesn't seem capable of moving. He appears to have been 'frozen' in Amane's boundary, peacefully secured inside of a coffin.

Amane desires to 'protect' Tsukasa...

frozen in a peaceful sleep, motionless, for Amane to watch over and gaze at, forever.... hmm. It suits him... his desire for control.

To finally see Tsukasa's eyes staring back at him, feel Tsukasa's hand touching him....

... after years of seeing this, frozen perfectly in his boundary.....

woof.

Well, it's exciting and, it's made me very emotional. Such veneration and respect and honor here... I get this feeling as if this is Amane's honest heart, something he cannot express audibly or physically, not to Nene and not to Tsukasa, too stubborn and reluctant to be vulnerable. Too afraid. Always talking in metaphors or avoiding saying anything directly... but, in his boundary, there is no obfuscation. Tsukasa was enshrined with all the luxurious adoration Amane had for his little brother, no matter what occurred between them in their final year. He deserved this, he was loved like this.

and I can't believe you might be responsible for his fucking titty window, Amane!

[fioras-resolve]

"Games mean via their dynamics."

It's a sentence I've heard a few times from different people. These are professional game designers, who have thought a lot about this art form. I think a lot about this art form too, which is why I seek out every talk, interview, and book I can find on the topic. And these people are trying to find the answer to "How do games create meaning?"

"Games mean via their dynamics."

This is a reference to the MDA framework, which stands for Mechanics, Dynamics, and Aesthetics. It was some game scholars' attempts in the mid-2000s to put a science to the art of game design. In this framework Mechanics, which are the rules and logic behind the game, create Dynamics, all the interactions and behaviors that happen at runtime. These then create Aesthetics, the underlying feelings of the game, the reasons why we play it. As an example, a shooter having a low ammo count (Mechanic) forces you to conserve your ammo, (Dynamic) which leads to an atmosphere of tension and caution. (Aesthetic) Designers are trying to achieve specific aesthetics, but only have direct control over the mechanics. That middle layer makes all the difference, and that can be frustrating.

"Games mean via their dynamics."

This is an interesting thing for me, as a burgeoning game designer. I like to think that stories, characters, and themes can be conveyed through mechanics. A lot of my work on games like Fiora was done with this exact mindset. But what this sentence means is that I can create all the mechanics I want, deciding for myself what they mean, but all of that intent vanishes as soon as it gets in the hands of a player. And that terrifies me.

Games mean via their dynamics.

If a designer puts a mechanic into a game, and it creates no dynamics, does the mechanic mean anything? I think about this a lot when looking back on Fiora: Full Bloom, possibly my most well-known title. It's a turn-based RPG, made using the vestigial functions of an engine designed for walking simulators. It has a lot of clever ideas, and I'd recommend you play it to see them, but relevant to our conversation is this: The stats and formulas underlying Fiora's combat are deliberately obfuscated. It shows you attributes like Power and Resilience, but they don't mean what you think they mean, and it's on you to interpret their functions. I actually included a stat, called Logic, which does nothing. Literally nothing, it does not matter whether you raise or lower it. This was meant as a "checkmate, atheists" kind of burn, as logic alone cannot get one out of an emotional spiral. But crucially, in early versions at least, I didn't *tell* anybody that Logic was a useless stat. I wanted people to come to their own conclusions, hopefully realizing naturally that Logic doesn't do anything, and questioning what that means. I wanted players to create their own understanding of the mechanics, to have Fiora be a canvas of interpretation. But...

Games mean via their dynamics.

Ultimately, the open interpretation canvas didn't work. I'm sure for some people it did, but most players ended up confused, nonplussed, or just checking the guide I wrote. The game hid its true colors too well, and most people only connected with its message *after* checking the guide. The game was just better when it was explicit, and it was more meaningful once players understood the mechanics. A mechanic inert, standing in the code, means nothing unless the player experiences it.

A mechanic on its own cannot create an aesthetic, there *must* be a dynamic.

I'm working right now on a party game about pirates and capitalism, getting extremely antsy waiting for the first playtest. I have all these high-minded ideas of what the game is about, but ultimately the players are the ones who decide what the game is. In his talk, "Dynamics: The State of the Art," Clint Hocking argues that a multiplayer game like Go, Badminton, or Street Fighter might not mean much innately, but an individual session can be loaded with meaning. Go isn't "about" a conflict between traditionalism and progressivism, but Shūsai vs Kitani was. Two kids playing Badminton in the backyard might not be particularly rigorous, but a game between Djokovic and Federer can influence a nation's view of its own national identity. A fight in Street Fighter isn't really about Ryu vs Ken, but about two players with different ideas of what the game is about, fighting to see who's wins. By this framing, a game means something different each session. The mechanics just give players the tools to create meaning of their own.

Games mean via their dynamics.

This is death of the author, only so much worse. At least in a book, the words are the same. Each word might mean different things to different people, but we can still have a consistent idea of what a sentence, in the abstract, "means." A movie may be interpreted in countless ways, but it's still the same shots, the same cuts, the same directorial decisions. It's still the same story, you know? But when you make a game, each player will have a different story, even in a largely linear affair. Your playthrough of Pokemon Legends: Arceus will not be the same as mine, it will have different characters, different challenges, different arcs. Your player character may have been a trainer or a surveyor, but mine was a hunter. And that was achieved through my personal interaction with the game's mechanics.

It was achieved through the dynamics.

This is *why* Roger Ebert said that games could never be art! Creative control isn't strict enough, the creator doesn't get to decide what the game is about, they don't even decide what it *is!* But he said that over a decade ago, and he's dead now, so who really cares anymore? Well, I do. Not because I'm insecure about the legitimacy of games as an art form, but because I worry that my game's meaning is out of my control. I can say that my game is a critique of capitalism, but is it really? Will people really come out of this game liking capitalism less? Or will I fall into the Monopoly trap of making capitalism fun? It's not about what I personally want, because like,

Games mean via their dynamics!

In the 2010s the popular conception of games was that they are "empathy machines," letting you understand someone's situation in a way only games can allow. This was a big part of the conversation surrounding games like Depression Quest, Dys4ia, and Cart Life. But is that what they're trying to be, and are they successful? In his talk, "You Have No Idea How Hard It Is to Run a Sweatshop," Soren Johnson talks about the ways games have tried and failed to create empathy in audiences. A game that put you in the role of a poor person made players think the poor just need to ration their money better. A game that made you a sweatshop manager to show how increasing quotas make you sell more of your soul ended up creating more empathy for the managers than the workers. All of the mechanics were in place to make a pointed message about the state of our world, but when put in the hands of players they sent the exact opposite message.

Games mean via their dynamics.

This is all very high-minded and academic, from someone who cares about this stuff a lot. But maybe it's overthinking things a little? Like, both Hocking and Johnson say that games are about their dynamics, and not their cutscene narrative. But does it have to be an either-or? While people who don't give a shit about mechanics and play games for the traditional stories are enjoying games in a very different way than I tend to, I wouldn't say they're enjoying games Wrong. I think game literacy requires an understanding of how gameplay creates meaning, but that doesn't mean games have to be "pure" in their ludic narrative. I think back to Ian Danskin's video about Bastion, where he points out that there is no pure storytelling medium, and that all stories bastardize the medium they're told in. But every medium gives a unique method for telling stories, that we shouldn't dismiss just because they're not "pure" forms of the medium. Games mean via their dynamics, and they mean via many other things too, and that array of possibilities is what gives games their character. So just, make games, you know?

I wrote most of that last night, and now today's the day of my playtest. I think I'll be okay with whatever happens. Whatever dynamics the game creates will help guide my development in the coming weeks. I can't control the dynamics, and that's the beautiful thing about them. But I can create the right conditions for fun, entertaining, and thought-provoking dynamics. The designer of a playground can't control how the kids play, but they can influence it by giving them the means to make their own fun. Playgrounds are an art. And I encourage you, if you've gotten this far, to think harder about the meaning created by the games you play. Not just by the dialogue, or the cutscenes, or the "story" as it were, but by the moment-to-moment interactions in the game's dynamics. Think about what the game does to you, and what kind of person it makes you. Because I love this medium, and I hope I've made you love it just a little bit more.

[mibeau]

[Book Review] Not Here To Stay 🕊

🧮 Score: 4.5/5.0

■ When I first bought the book, it was due to my attraction to its cover design and the synopsis. I was intrigued to find out how the author will play out or interweave the fantasy realms with our Malaysian culture and beliefs. And the deliverance is beyond my expectations. Honestly, I was looking forward to reading fantasy adventure and not melodrama. But, as I read on, I put myself in Amani’s shoes. It started to feel like I was underwater, everything was so dreamy, and Amani kept getting drawn into her thoughts and not fully engaging with reality. So, time, as in plots, almost standing still. I kept going in circles. I remember thinking, was the author purposely doing this to prolong the novel with unnecessary fillers?

Until something nudged her. Triggered her combative personality/attitude. That was when the adventure began. Her quest give me the vibes of “The Divergent Series” collided with “The 13 Charms Trilogy”.

■ The book is divided into three parts. A few pages into the reading, we can sense Amani's moody aura. Like someone who has been scarred and full of rage inside, yet, kept a poker face. Throughout Part One, you can feel the cloudiness and heaviness of her surroundings. And when she’s interacting with other characters or situations, the narration is dreamy. Slowly, although it was still hazy by the middle of part two, the heavy cloud has been lifted. Her mind’s getting sharper, and ultimately in Part 3, the air is clear, and we(Amani) can breathe easily again. It’s like we didn’t realise that we were wheezing this whole time, to stay alive. Moving forward, Amani acquired a freshened thought process with no blockages. I enjoy and appreciate these transitions.

There were too many realistic scenes, to be specific, the locations and the abuses. I thought to myself, this cannot be loosely based on real events, it must be a true story, altered with fantasy realms to make it fiction. To send the message out. And my doubts were answered in the Author’s note at the end of the main plot.

■ When it comes to the fantasy world and its descriptions, the narrative was not as eloquent as the emotions poured. I wasn’t properly immersed and teleported there. It keeps pulling me to bits of many books/films I have read and watched before. The Cloud’s Castle reminded me of bits of “Doraemon: The Kingdom of Clouds”, Kira and her child reminded me of the changeling folklore, the worldsmiths’s systems and bureaucracy reminded me to “Harry Potter” plus “Jumper”. Maybe, slightly, “I am Number 4”. It’s all over the place. But, overall, it worked.

The mystical elements are brilliant metaphors for our states of mind, how they are managed and how they affect our actions and reactions. It is true in most occasions, care alone is not enough. Reminders alone are not enough. It needs the right tools and methods to resolve the entanglements. To convey the validations or clarifications of things we subconsciously know and misunderstand. Bottled feelings are never a good thing. It is a ticking bomb. Its eruption is destructive. (SPOILER ALERT: in this book, the feelings were literally bottled! Haha, amazing!)

Amani’s conversations with Najmi, especially in Part Two, were really therapeutic. In Part Three, the plot twist was a surprise, a good one.

■ The book is written in time jumps. Back and forth is totally fine. I enjoyed it, as much as I enjoyed “The Witch of Portobello” by Paulo Coelho. However, I just don’t think the “plus-minus” of “day counts” at the beginning of every chapter was necessary. It distracted me and caused confusion. So after 10 chapters in, I stopped bothering with it. And start gauging the time period based on contexts. . ■ In gist, it is a journey to recovery and closure. It is melancholic with sparkles and deliciously filling quotes. The metaphors were blended seamlessly. I am 100% impressed. High applause for this book. If you want to see things from the lens of a depressed, grieved person, I recommend you to watch a Kdrama titled: Daily Dose of Sushines. If you want to be in their minds instead, you must read this book. Highly recommended!

■ A playlist to keep you company and immersed in emotions.

---

● Get the book here: BookCafe.com.my . --- *To read other versions of this review, please visit:

IG: reviewbuku_ichamica . FB: Reviu Buku Icha . --- Follow me on Telegram for quick updates!

[endlich-allein]

Day 14 — Favorite Vocals

On the very first day of this challenge, I chose Meine Tränen as my favorite song, because I find it exceptional on so many levels. I could also have chosen it for today, because Till's voice really carries this song. Till is a singer who doesn't just repeat his text, he interprets it, he lives it. You can see it on stage when he plays his butcher character during Mein Teil for example. But when you don't have the image, you can only rely on the sound. And this is where the voice alone is important. And Till is able to convey all possible emotions through his voice. Fear, anxiety, love, sadness, etc. Moreover, Till's voice is truly one of the elements that defines Rammstein's identity, it is recognizable among thousands.

For today, I chose the song Klavier. It's a beautiful song, and it's largely due to Till's voice.

A voice more sung than spoken, a soft voice, calm and so melodious. Till shows us all the richness of his voice, but also his talent to play with intonations, variations, to highlight the important parts of his text. This voice, which rolls the r's as if to prolong the moment, to prolong the story of the song and its tragedy, leaves no moment of respite, hardly time to catch his breath. And that is precisely what makes it fit so well with the text, because this voice takes us into a family's closed-door world, behind a door where a young man is hiding and holding his breath. This voice also describes pain, a pain that we cannot get rid of, that we cannot cure because it is an internal pain. Listen to this lament full of pain when he sings :

Dort am Klavier

Lauschte ich ihr

Und wenn ihr Spiel begann

Hielt ich den Atem an

And finally, I like Till's voice on this track, because it's one of the only times he sings with his "real" voice. He does not change his voice as he can on other titles or on certain parts of other songs. He sings Klavier from beginning to end with his voice, the voice he has when he speaks. As he says himself, he has his personal voice and his professional voice. And I think that's the personal voice that we hear in this song.

[fenicenera83]

🎨𝑴𝒂𝒓𝒊𝒖𝒔 𝒂𝒏𝒅 𝒑𝒂𝒊𝒏𝒕𝒊𝒏𝒈🎨✨

When I first met Marius in TVA, he was an established, admired painter, and everything about him was connected to that role. A master of art and life. A man in love with the world around him and everything his hands could create on a blank canvas. Marius lives in art and for art; he paints out of love, out of venting, out of reflection, to connect to his emotions, to vent his passion and for his heart full of life and colors. Marius is connected to painting as all great artists are, not just a muse, but a mother, a connection that clarifies the worldview and conveys beauty and fullness of life and teaches us to love what is around us. Art as an absolute goddess, the one who shows you how beauty is never an end in itself, because you tie it to an emotion, you tie it to a certain color, you tie it to a story, tying it to a subject, you tie it to what you convey to others, because it it lays you bare, art strips you bare and leaves you alone with your emotions to give to others. Marius is an artist who goes in and out of the human world in which art lives. This marks him, because he would like to be able to give his vision of the world, but he cannot because he is immortal. His art is not for mortals. Yet Marius lives for that mortal art, craves and admires it, sometimes even feels hurt by it, because he would like to be a part of it, because he never feels equal to that grandeur that populates the lives of the great masters. Yet he paints and paints and still does, because he cannot turn away from that call, he cannot turn away from those colors from that miracle. Marius can never feel satisfied, no matter how incredibly good he is, he never feels equal to of the beauty that mere mortal lives can create. Yet when he first approached art for the first time, he knew nothing about it, was totally unaware. And here he is, instead, putting all of himself into those colors, night after night after night. In the sanctuary, he creates, full of passion, so engrossed, that he even falls! Enraptured completely, the awareness grows in him that he he can create, the sweetness and companionship offered by art to his lonely soul, is a blessing of which at first he does not feel worthy of. Yet he embraces it, cultivates it, loves it. Until he feels unable to do it justice, until he wants to see everything he creates destroyed. We see him in Prince Lestat struggle with the thought of painting in deserted places where slowly time would destroy everything.Because he does not want to be in competition with mortals, because he does not want to hurt them with that beauty that his hands create. Mortals who have only a small life to rejoice and appreciate that gift that for them is so fleeting and for him instead is eternal. Even in art Marius is connected to the passion for mortals and this gift, to be able to create and live a full life, and to be loved and admired for that gift they give to other human beings. This is forbidden to him. That mortal world full of beauty and emotions written with color and heart and soul work he can only admire. Art is intimate and deep for Marius. And he learned to cherish it and create away from that world where he was loved for that gift. He had to learn and accept, yet art is a part of him that never left him and cared for him when nothing else could. Marius is a great artist but not only because of his skill, but because of his continuous pouring of emotions into art, for his continuous appeal to it to be better.

[mergist]

Polysemy, the way one symbol can have multiple referents, seems linked to how big language is allowed to get; the smaller your collection of tools the more creative you have to be with them. Gestures in dance or theatre are 'naturally' polysemous because they must stand in relation to multiple concepts.

Some forms take this as a challenge - for instance the rakugo comedian who tells a complicated story without standing up or using more than 1-2 very mild props. Or formal bhara-natyam, where dancers are expected to perform alone for a period of roughly two hours and convey a story from a repertoire of eleven gestures.

But this irks me: from my notes I have what turns out to be a part-quote from Marie-Laure Ryan, that "while polysemy is good for poetry it is bad for science".

Is polysemy good for poetry? I've read a little philosophy of poetry and encountered the idea that what makes a poem 'unparaphrasable', its warp and weft of meanings, is an artifact of the poetic reading itself - much like hyperintensionality, the condition where replacing a term with a logical equivalent no longer works as we would hope, is a byproduct of a context where we care about something (anything) more than logical equivalence. Put more poetically, taking a thing as unique is the recognition of its own self-contained unity, where otherwise from synonymy springs a counterfactual forest.

And while sciences expand language by coining new terms, where we might say that the arts coin new meanings, that's all in service of an ultimate simplification. It benefits us very much to speak polysemically of things we once took to be unrelated, like electricity and magnetism or the motion of planets and the fall of pianos. The Standard Model and the axioms of ZFC both attempt to speak of, ground, all possible phenomena without losing their structure and dissolving into simple reflection ("for all A, A is A"). A model's use is the number of things it can faithfully represent, and useful models proliferate.

I'm being a bit unfair to Ryan, whose next (full) sentence is "It is better to work with a large collection of sharp tools that fulfill precise tasks, rather than a single blunt one, even if everyone cannot share the tools." This is pragmatically and straightforwardly true, and yet the struggle against polysemy that produces these tools, the attempt at doing/saying/pointing-out exactly one thing (and thereby taking that thing as unique), is just as desperately needed in the arts.

Polysemy is the limit natural to language and to communication in general, that there are always fewer words than there are things to be discussed with them. As LM once said, the fundamental issue isn't finding the right adjectives but that adjectives shouldn't have to exist in the first place. We live in a world composed only of uniquenesses, and communication can only serve us insofar as it obscures them.