#but on psat i did TERRIBLE

[11queensupreme11]

im a senior in high school and after i graduate, i'm gonna move out for college and while i was rereading, i just realized how badly this whole thing has ruined percy's life. it just dawned on me how horribly uprooted she was from everything she knows. she was still in high school, probably needed to prep for psat/sat, get ready to move out etc, only for all that to go away cuz now she's been isekai-ed to a new world and has a bunch of yanderes after her, she will NEVER get that normalcy back 😭

EXACTLY!!!!

percy's not much of a planner like anthonius, but she did have SOME sort of idea of what to do in her future (especially now that the war's over and she regained the hope that she could actually make it to adulthood-)

she had all these hopes and dreams! she was still in tenth grade (a sophomore in high school)! she just passed her driver's test! she got her first actual part-time job that wasn't exploiting her for being a child! she needed to prep for her psat! she wanted to graduate high school and attend a community college for the first two years to save up on money, then transfer to a university that would hopefully take her and her shitty record! she was still a little tenth grader who didn't quite know what to major in, but that was fine cuz she still had years to go until she needed to make her decision! 😭

THERE WAS SO MUCH SHE WANTED TO DO BUT NOW IT'S BEEN SNATCHED AWAY FROM HER 😭😭

there's no way she's ever gonna get that normalcy back even after poseidon starts to care for her. there's no way he's gonna let his precious daughter attend a mortal high school. moving out for college? absolutely not! moving out in general cuz she's older now and it's about time she left the nest? NEVER HAPPENING! getting a job? don't be ridiculous!

what is she gonna do now? her plans for the future won't happen. is she just gonna remain with her father forever? get forced to marry someone and have kids? she had so many options back in the pjo verse, but now they're all GONE.

and the worst part? it's when she gets yoinked back to the pjo verse. you'd think that's a good thing but by then she had already accepted her place in the ror verse and started to make a life for herself there, only for it to be snatched away AGAIN. after she regains her memories, she's gonna be devastated cuz it's like starting all over again. she missed her friends and family, but she misses her loved ones back in ror verse too!

plus, she's been gone for two years now. she should be in her senior year of high school, ready to graduate, but she can't because she missed so much. there's no point in starting over, she'd have to settle for a GED but that'd make her chances of getting into college harder because she has no diploma, AND she has a terrible school record and super suspicious background. she could always attend new rome university, but she's kinda getting sick of the gods ruining her life at this point. maybe she should just run away to alaska??

of course, she's not aware that the yanderes are plotting to get her back and they're not afraid to kill the people she loves too, which again, only ruins her life even MORE than it already has been 💀

[ryuryuryuyurboat]

ueheheh thats good! I procrastinate wayyy too much 💀

but uh, did you know that my 11th grade psat is coming in literally like 7 motnh?! Holy macaroni I don’t got enough time to stUDY-

jdhjs I heard that the like 11th and 12tg grade psat/sat thingies count on your college application, and well I’m passing my honors classes w the lowest grade since like 8th or 9th being a 77 but like I’m scared for my life 😭

anywayssss imma stop ranting abt life’s problems and just say that I hope my queen has a nice rest of her day/night! <33 and whatchu mean stop calling you ‘queen’ it’s your given title, girlie — shush

- that anon that may be disappearing for days at a time to study lolol

SAME i'm terribly guilty of always procrastinating things i want to and have to do 😭😭 it got really bad once like i just kept putting off doing this one assignment for 3 months straight and then rushed it 5 hours before it was due HAHAHA (i got a good grade though,,)

GOOD LUCK ON YOUR PSAT!! YOU CAN DO IT!! there's still 7 months to go so you still have time to brush up && study!! as long as you work hard and do your best i'm sure you'll do well :D i believe in you mwah <3

all the best with your studies && i hope the rest of the week goes well for you! don't forget to eat your meals on time and hydrate and rest sufficiently okie :3

oh uhm that is very flattering nonnie *blushes at you* HAHA you're so sweet kljdshgj thank youu 🫶

[tobbogan-13]

finished the psat yay

i did so fucking terrible on the math portion

[mysterious-brimp-anon]

How are you doing

u know, 🍤🍤shrimp school is coming up so ehhhhh not terrible but also stressful. got the psats in october so ive started studying and am very stress. some of my shrimp🦐 classes seem interesting this year so its definitely an improvement, but also i have my second year of my 🍤language🍤 class and last year i did cheat entirely to get through it soooo. anyway, fuck hrab ✨

[tapewormoffthestring]

i wish i was in algebra 2 :(

[classifidpotat]

man i wish i had this book in middle school :(

[mallowstep]

(bag lunch)

It takes her too long to find her locker. It's the second day of school, but all the halls look the same and they're too crowded during passing periods and it's not until ten minutes after lunch started that she actually makes it to the cafeteria.

She sat with Bramblepaw, yesterday. They're both new, but Bramblepaw has classes with Stormheart and doesn't spend half his time learning how to navigate all of the online systems.

Stormheart is sitting with Bramblepaw when she arrives.

"...she's doing good, at least," he says.

Bramblepaw smiles at her. "Stormheart, you don't mind, right?"

Stormheart shakes his head, and Tawnypelt sits across from her brother. He turns back to Stormheart.

"She can always change her mind."

Stormheart shrugs.

Bramblepaw pivots back to her. "How's your day been?"

"Good." She picks at the peel of a tangerine. "Boring."

Silence falls.

"Did you do the reading for history?" Bramblepaw asks.

* * *

She doesn't know how to talk to Goldenflower.

Now that Goldenflower and Bramblepaw have moved back, Tawnypelt is living with them again, but she feels the disconnection sharply. Her mother remembers her as a child, as someone who filled colouring books in neatly and still believed in the tooth fairy.

Tawnypelt isn't sure who she is anymore, much less how to explain that to Goldenflower.

* * *

Bramblepaw and Stormheart have a science project together, and Tawnypelt doesn't want to ride the bus alone, so she tags along.

"I really am sorry," Bramblepaw says. "I know it's easier if..."

Stormheart shrugs. "It's fine. We have a better space for the experiment, so we can get it done faster."

He looks back at them. "The kids are probably asleep, so, be quiet."

Tawnypelt follows them into the house, shutting the door as softly as she can manage. Bramblepaw doesn't follow Stormheart, so Tawnypelt doesn't. She plays with the strap of her backpack.

"We're good!" Stormheart says. "Kids are up."

"That doesn't mean you can shout."

Tawnypelt could have -- should have -- predicted this. Bramblepaw is her brother; Stormheart is Feathertail's brother. But she didn't think it through, or maybe she just didn't let herself, because the thought of another awkward half conversation with Goldenflower was more than she could bear.

Stormheart comes down the stairs carrying a toddler. Tawnypelt blinks. More things she should be surprised by. "Sorry," he says. "I've been tasked with Frogkit for the moment. Uh. I can get us a snack or something."

He closes the baby gate behind him. "Frogkit, say hi to Bramblepaw and Tawnypelt."

Frogkit tucks his head against Stormheart.

"Feeling shy, I suppose."

As Stormheart is rustling through the pantry, another set of footsteps comes down the stairs.

Tawnypelt twists her head back. Feathertail braces herself on the railing, Stonefur holding her other arm. Tawnypelt slinks further into the kitchen before Feathertail sees her.

But that only lasts a few minutes, because Feathertail's first destination is Frogkit.

She says nothing to Tawnypelt, wrapping her arms around the child. She puts one hand around the back of his head.

"I told you they were--"

"You told me," Feathertail says. "I'm going to be in the living room."

"We're going outside, then to my room."

She nods, seeming satisfied. Frogkit looks at Tawnypelt as Feathertail carries him away, his arms thrown loosely over his shoulders.

* * *

"Alright, Tawnypelt, why don't you tell me what you think the author meant by that?"

She swallows. A part of her still wants to stand when answering questions, but she suppresses the urge. "I think he was trying to highlight the hypocrisy," she says, glancing at her notes.

"Good. Alright, who has thoughts on that?"

* * *

She's in court for the end of Feathertail's testimony.

The cross-examination is cruel.

"Did he give a reason?"

"Yes."

"What reason?"

"Tigerstar said it was because I was preventing Tawnypelt from reaching her potential."

Tigerstar's not the only one who's said that to Feathertail.

* * *

Goldenflower doesn't tell her where they're going. Tawnypelt doesn't ask.

"When I left your father," she begins, taking a strangely shaped case out of the back of her car, "I didn't know what to do with myself." She opens the case, and passes Tawnypelt a bow. "Learning to hit a target was pretty satisfying."

* * *

Her PSAT scores come back. She does not check them on a computer screen, where anyone could see them, but on her phone, in the bathroom.

She's in the 30th percentile for math, but she's in the 60th for reading.

That's not terrible.

* * *

Tigerstar goes to prison.

Goldenflower puts the radio on, and Tawnypelt helps her cook dinner.

[nexstage]

What if... The Night manipulates Marcy the same way Bill Cipher did Stanford and Dipper?

Because why not? It could be super predictable to have the Night manipulating Marcy using these weaknesses of hers: conditional love, trying to be useful to be liked, fear of abandonment, fear of loneliness. Of course, if it happens it will be awesome for the angst and how Marcy might deal with it whether she is still trapped in the castle or not, though that detail will be elaborated later; however, all these self-worth issues might be exploited much more if they were upside-down.

What does that mean? Instead of twisting and aggrandizing Marcy's feelings of worthlessness and guilt, the Night could minimize them and feed into her pride in her intellect, her overconfidence when she solves puzzles and tests, even her darkest and most buried feelings like anger, frustration, and resentment.

But how could it be as good or even better than what Bill Cipher had done to Stanford and Dipper?

Let's go back to Gravity Falls nostalgia S2. In the episode The Last Mabelcorn, Bill introduced himself with these words: "Name's Bill! And your name's Stanford Pines, the man who changed the world, but I'm getting ahead of ourselves"

The man who changed the world.

That sentence sounds exhilarating if we remember how his childhood was on Glass Shard Beach.

Always bullied because of his six-fingers and wanting to belong somewhere else.

And then the fateful science fair where his chances to go to West Coast Tech and make a name by himself were ruined by Stanley.

Then years later, his research hit a roadblock, and that's when Bill appeared with 'sweet, encouraging' words, the same way a salesman makes propaganda for his product.

But not only with phrasing that targeted Ford's ego and biggest wishes was how Bill got his attention; he also resorted to fake promises related to those aspects.

"He told me he was a muse. That he chose one brilliant mind a century to inspire."

"When he told me I could complete my research by building a gateway to other worlds, I trusted him. He said this was the way genius happened."

We saw on Marcy's flashbacks that she had read a PSAT book before which contains a lot of material that is far beyond her age, just when you are preparing to go to college and she wasn't close to 18 yet. There is also this theory that she might come from a low-income household (this is the link to the theory if you wanna see: https://twitter.com/CynDavilaChase/status/1442623882951737344?t=IswNRpFgPJrZss4P0QGVBg&s=19) which means that her father being promoted in his job or her being accepted into a good college could signify great opportunities for the family's future, including hers.

Anne also described her as super smart and she proved it countless times.

In school.

On the First Temple.

Helping Andrias improve Newtopia.

She feels proud about it, but it is more about pleasing everyone and having a place to belong to in a little social circle than just pure confidence in her abilities. Because, she wants to contribute with something and that is her brain, if not, people will leave her, especially her friends.

How can the Night twist that?

If the Night proves to be slyer and sharper than Andrias when it comes to manipulation, convincing Marcy to detach herself from her love towards her friends and the idea that she needs to be useful to them. That she is dependent on them. Ironically, telling her to build her identity without relying on their companionship is what Marcy has to do because of her fear of change and being unable to think of a life far away from her friends was what led to them ending on Amphibia. Being loved just for being you no matter what you can give or do is an important step in her character arc. But with the Night as her only social connection -though forced onto her, it can get terribly tainted. Let's imagine it like this:

Night: You're a model student, aren't you?

Marcy: Yes.

Night: Your intellect has improved Newtopia, hasn't it?

Marcy: Yes?

Night: Then why did you let those dead weights of your friends baby you, control you, underestimate you?

Marcy: Dead weights?! They'd never-!

Night: They did. Strength betrayed you on the castle, Courage treated you like a toddler. But you're anything but that, aren't you? You're Wisdom. You overflow with intelligence. Why do you think the brain is above every other organ? It's because is the superior one. The heart is too emotional, the attachments get in the way. Muscles and force are limited and easy to replace. It is the wits that take you really far. You don't need those idiots, but they DO need you. They just wanted you to be dependant on them to make you believe otherwise.

I chose the sentence "the brain is above every other organ" because it's reflected on Amphibia: Newtopia is a place filled with history and knowledge, that's where Marcy thrived, the palace was located there too. Marcy was put at the top of the hierarchical system of Amphibia and her abilities and hobbies flourished while Newtopia we're benefited from Marcy's hard work. Meanwhile, Anne and Sasha had to fight to survive, their places on the social pyramid were beneath Marcy's: Wartwood like other villages looked impoverished and are constantly mistreated by the authorities -the toads-, while the toads worked under Andrias' orders but got the short end of the stick. By using this information, the Night can implant delusions of grandeur on her mind, convincing her that Anne and Sasha are just holding her back, that she's more than just a clumsy, scared teenager.

Just like Bill had done to Ford, promising him a future where everyone who had picked on him would regret it by watching his potential shine around the world, by telling him that connections and family were useless in his quest for endless knowledge.

The second aspect is darker. Remember Sock Opera?

"Seems to me one little puppet is a small price to pay to learn all the secrets of the universe. Besides, what's your sister done for you, lately? How many times have you sacrificed for her, huh? And when has she ever returned the favor?"

If there is a scene that resonates with this quote is the moment Anne leaves Marcy to join the Plantars back on Day at the Aquarium. She felt rejected despite having acted selflessly after watching Anne sadness over her temporal separation from her adoptive family.

And when she tried to justify her actions after Andrias cruelly revealed her biggest secret to everyone on True Colors, the despair, hurt, and almost dead hope that Anne and Sasha might want to explore other dimensions with her and be the three always together having fun, no worries of being torn apart only for both of them to back away from her in disgust, horror and devastation. There's no doubt that this moment crushed her with insurmountable guilt, even chasing her in her comatose condition with the heartbreaking idea that her friends hated her after knowing what she had done.

The Night might play with this guilt and her mistakes during S3 in 2 ways: the first one is using it to demoralize Marcy, turning her fear of abandonment into a reality with the fact that she "deserved" it because of her actions. Or two, manipulate her to push away that feeling by nurturing other negative ones like anger and resentment. But Marcy, sweet, dorky Marcy showing fury? Is that even possible?

Yes, it is. Remember Marcy at the Gates?

She was frustrated and irritated because Anne couldn't let her do her job of killing the queen ant, she was trying to protect her which was nice but Marcy had been in dangerous situations before meeting Anne again as it is shown in her takeover song and she demonstrated great determination and competence without losing her charming clumsiness. Even when sometimes she was distracted, Marcy took this job seriously and Anne breathing on her neck despite her good intentions was driving her up the wall.

What about The Dinner?

Marcy was ecstatic that she, Anne and Sasha were finally together but having to see her two best friends arguing over an incident she wasn't told about 100% and even being the only one wanting some peace and harmony in the trio instead of drama and fighting must've been exhausting. Of course, this is not me saying that Marcy wanting them to get along and not facing the issues between them was a good idea because avoidance is a short-term solution. Sooner or later, you have to deal with the ugly aspects of a problem you prefer to ignore. However, it got worse when Sasha betrayed them on Newtopia. Anne broke off her friendship with her and Marcy again was in front of one of her most daunting fears: the trio splitting up.

Again, this is not to erase the fact that Marcy also betrayed them but her face when Sasha revealed her true plans was saddening. And just imagine all the stress, frustration, hurt, and betrayal she also suffered at the hands of her friends. Anne acted like a mother to Marcy during the killing-the-queen-ant mission much to the noirette's annoyance because she had grown more independent and didn't want to be coddled, then Anne left her for the Plantars, not even considering her feelings with that choice, Marcy had to work and research nonstop during Day at the Aquarium while Anne spent quality time with her frog family and she didn't volunteer to help her. Then we have the famous dinner, Sasha and Anne fighting half about Toad Tower, something Marcy doesn't know about completely because Anne just told her she fought with Sasha omitting the harrowing part where the blonde sacrificed herself to save Anne, and the other half because Sasha felt attacked by the Plantars. And to top it all, she, alongside Anne and company, was backstabbed by the girl and watched the whole trio fall apart until her demise at the hands of Andrias.

Now, I'll be clear with this, I haven't forgotten the interview Matt had in which he stated that Marcy and Sasha's dynamic was kind of weird and that both see each other eye-to-eye. A great blogger I've been talking to, borkthemork, explained it much better, here is the link: https://borkthemork.tumblr.com/post/665436074462593024/if-sasha-and-marcy-reunite-in-season-3b-which-i. 

Why I'm mentioning that? Because there should be a lot of conflicting feelings after the betrayals of both Marcy and Sasha against each other even when the two care for one another. It wouldn't be realistic if all this pain and resentment isn't addressed if they meet again. And it's those moments of pent-up emotions that Marcy has bottled up to keep the three together a great opening the Night might use to get one of the prophesied stars on his side. Like the old phrase said: keep your friends close, and your enemies closer, so what better strategy than shaping Marcy's mind to the point that she cut ties with her friends willingly and only listens to the Night, that her love and longing for their friendship turns into anger and hatred. The same scenario with Bill manipulating Dipper using many flashbacks in which he was selfless to Mabel to convince him to give in to his desire for answers but in this case, is much somber and tragic if we remember Marcy's situation.

It could go like this: 

Night: It disappoints me how much you're denying the truth. You're denying yourself the chance to explode because that's what you feel, Wisdom. You. Are. Resentful.

Marcy: Me? Resentful?

Night: It shouldn't be a question but a fact. You are of both of them. Aren't you mad that when you needed her most, Strength chose her obsession for control and her selfishness over you? That you have to be a mindless follower instead of telling her what you think? Didn't it hurt you when Courage chose those frogs she met for a few months over you? Her childhood best friend? All those years together and she still joined them. And she always mothered you, as if you couldn't walk without her!

Marcy: I'm-I'm not...

Night: Say it. Say you aren't angry or hurt for what they did and mean it.

Marcy: I'm not angry or hurt for-for what they did.

Night: Liar.

Marcy: I'm not--

Night: You're lying. Tell the truth!

Marcy: I'm--

Night: Stop being a coward and say it! SAY IT!!

Marcy: I'M MAD!!

Night: Why are you mad?!

Marcy: Because it was supposed to be us, us three against the world, and they never appreciated it! Sasha always has to be in control, is manipulative, thinking she knows what's best! What the hell does she know about the world?! She's just a kid like me! A spoiled-rotten kid with a huge ego. What did she gain with that in the end? Nothing! She only made things worse! And Anne?! How dared she leave me? For a bunch of frogs?! I know her since little and this is how she respects our friendship?! She's always 'Marcy, be careful where you're going', 'Marcy, you can be so clumsy sometimes', 'Marcy, your obliviousness is so cute'. I'm not a toddler, I'm the same age as her!! As if she and Sasha never rid of my coattails because I was the only decent cell brain in school!! How dare she? How dare she?! HOW DARE THEY?!

Night: See? I was right about you, Wisdom. You are the superior one.

Of course, you might be wondering why these scenes are necessary because we had Andrias who pretended to be Marcy's friend to get the music box charged, but he used her insecurities about her friends to get what he wanted. He proposed to her a deal: traveling to other worlds when he saw Marcy dejected after Anne left to rejoin the Plantars. Friendship and the pain of watching your friends leave you behind was also linked to his past and he weaponized for his gain and sick pleasure. But, in my opinion, it would be much more interesting if the Night twisted Marcy's mind to the point in which she stops valuing the companionship of Anne and Sasha and deem it as a hindrance. That even makes me wonder if the Night has used that tactic to twist Andrias in the past too, but only S3 will tell us.

Thank you everyone for reading my long ted talk.

[ultfreakme]

Malia Tate: A lost opportunity

I am scrolling through a bunch of teen wolf posts and it seems like back then, opinions on Malia were very split. I don’t know the ratio but there definitely was heated argument about Malia as a character, her purpose in the show, and accusations being thrown left, right and center about what opinions on her character entailed. 

Here’s the thing; Malia, as a concept, is amazing. She’s a girl who was stuck in the form of a coyote for around a decade because she was ridden with guilt about the death of her mom and sister. A girl who hasn’t been a human girl in years. Maybe she could’ve been used to explore the borders of ‘human’ and ‘animal’ in were-creatures. Were-creatures aren’t just humans who can transform into animals- they are separate from humans, but they aren’t animals either. But here’s a girl, who supposedly lived as an animal for half her life. That is potential to explore a new dimension to what being a were-creature entails and what that means for Scott, Isaac, and any other were-creature born or bitten. 

But here’s what happened- and I’m no expert okay, this is just my observation- Malia has a lot of elements of the ‘born sexy yesterday’ trope. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0thpEyEwi80 -> for some deeper info, it’s this video. 

In a nutshell, it means the character exhibits childlike innocence, naivety and wonder(these traits being exemplified and prioritized), but this childlike behaviour is juxtaposed with sexualization. Malia isn’t sexualized per se(she strips naked in front of people but Lydia was also wholly naked that one time Peter was fucking with her mind and every guy in Teen Wolf has been half-naked and the camera ogles at them so it doesn’t count). But Malia is shown doing the same things as the other teens. Her first introduction and major scenes were also either either sexual or romantic(most often with Stiles). 

Her integration into human society is seamless and only passing comments are made on her difficulties, and even these difficulties aren’t debilitating like it logically should be. Humans who’ve been born and raised in human societies have difficulty adapting to other cultures. Tourists often accidentally offend locals, it’s common etiquette to learn about a society before visiting or entering it. Still, humans make mistakes. 

Yet Malia shows none of these complications. Her ‘coyote’ side is shown as a quirky thing, moments to chuckle at. Stiles’s “That’s progress” comments are jokes and nothing more. 

Yes they show her having difficulties in class, but it isn’t shown beyond surface level things. She can’t answer in class but she has a functioning romantic relationship that works on human terms(terms even normal humans can’t grasp), her wardrobe is immaculate with cohesion and abides by beauty standards embedded into us over years. If I saw Malia Tate as she is portrayed in the show in public, I’d just think she’s a little fierce and aggressive but nothing out of the ordinary. 

It doesn’t make sense for her background. Why and how is she able to adapt so well and take her PSAT’s when she shouldn’t be? You could say this is a urban fantasy show where logic doesn’t exist but the thing about fictional worlds is you can MAKE rules. And these rules are abided by in-universe. There were no rules or explanations for why Malia is so good at this. They could’ve solved it tbh- just say she often sat at the back porches of normal human households or hid in places where she observed human interactions constantly which is why she’s so good. But they didn’t. So. 

Explanation for her behaviour, her attitude and outfits make way more sense when you know that Malia is Cora’s replacement, who in turn is Erica’s replacement(Side note: there’s this outfit Malia wears, a loose red top and black shorts, which looks like a copy-pasta of one of Erica’s outfits at the party where Jackson was apprehended for a bit- loose white top and black shorts. It could’ve been a total coincidence but the only thing I could think when I saw that outfit was ‘ERICAAAAAAAAAA!’).

Malia probably wasn’t thought through, because if she were, any writer worth their dime would instantly realize putting her in high school and a romantic relationship when she’s barely reconnected with her dad sounds like a terrible way to handle a character. Also.....she had her first sexual experience with someone IN A MENTAL ASYLUM WHEN THE GUY WAS POSSESSED, DESPERATE, DRUGGED, SAD AND OUT OF HIS FUCKING MIND. Do the writers hate Malia??? Why the fuck would you do that to a character you birthed like WHY!? You can do horrible things to characters, that’s fine, but why would you portray something this sad and tragic like it’s something good? The whole scene made me feel bad for both her and Stiles. It isn’t romantic. It isn’t cute. It’s sad.

I think they found some footing for what to do with Malia later- her haircut and wardrobe change. Even still, they didn’t use the potential they built up. The plot with her mom could’ve happened to any were-creature, with or without the whole ‘lived as a coyote for 8 years’ thing.  

I feel like she could’ve been something interesting, something groundbreaking and cool. A fresh perspective for the show. But they just.....did *vague handwaves at steaming pile* that. 

It’s like having a great idea/project but not doing the work to fully bring out the awesomeness of it. I like what Malia could’ve been and what we saw of her and seeing a character being butchered like this makes me want to scream into a pillow till I die. 

[princeescaluswords]

16 for salty ask

Question #16 was: If you could change anything in the show, what would you change?

This might be the most difficult ask I have ever gotten because I could probably write a book about it (and if you consider fan fiction that addresses issues in an in-character way, I actually have).

I mean, there is so much to talk about here.  I would have made them recast certain characters when their actors left (Jackson and Erica).  I would have made them keep Boyd and ditch the twins.  I would have told Jeff that it would help generate empathy for the characters if he upped the number of domestic and school scenes where they actually did things that teenagers do (the emphasis on the PSATs in Weaponized and Malia learning to drive are some of my favorite bits).  I would have made them treat Kira Yukimura (and Arden Cho) right.  I would have had them keep Peter and Kate dead after Season 1.   I would have let Scott and Stiles be bisexual (regardless of with whom).    

But the most important thing I would change is Scott’s silent martyrdom (and I would have included Mason’s as well).  

You see, the show had a very clear theme when it came to what made Scott the hero.   Everyone once in a while, the show presented us with scenes and speeches that underlined it:

Derek:  When there’s no chance of winning, he keeps fighting. When all hope is lost, he finds another way. And when he’s beaten down, he stands up again. (The Divine Move, 03x24)

Brett:  Scott’s a True Alpha. That means he didn’t get his power because he was born with it. He didn’t get it by stealing or killing someone. He earned it. You’re not strong just because you can lift a lot of weight now. You’re strong because you endure. Satomi calls it strength of character. (A Promise to the Dead, 04x11)

And scenes (among many) in The Maid of Gevaudan and in The Wolves of War, where he puts himself in front of other people to his own detriment.  

This is all good. This a subversive take on heroism – not what the hero does to other people, but what he’s willing to endure themselves.  But the show didn’t trust its audience to tell the difference between Not Allowing Trauma to Control Your Actions and Acknowledging That You Endured Trauma.   They repeatedly had Scott simply behave as if terrible things didn’t happen to him.  

I mean, look at things that happened to Scott that he simply doesn’t acknowledge as a normal person would – and this is not an exhaustive list:

In the space of twenty-hour hours, he was betrayed by Derek, mentally violated by Peter and Derek, and then shot by a wolf’s bane bullet while trying to save Jackson from Derek, and then passed out in the middle of the woods alone, bleeding black blood and probably thinking he was going to die. 

He was nearly suffocated to death by his girlfriend’s mother and instead of receiving the slightest bit of sympathy, was scolded for not wanting to tell other people the details of his horrific attempted murder.  

He was tortured with a katana by a demon wearing his best friend’s face, and only Stiles’ reaction was shown

He was tortured with electricity by a Mexican hunter for an answer she already had, and it was turned into a problem for Kira

He was turned into a Berserker, a mindless killing machine, a similar transformation he had been fighting against since Season 1, Episode 1.

It took him 17 episodes for him to verbally admit that Theo had technically murdered him 

And none of these were ever mentioned again.  

I understand what the show was going for here – Peter, Derek, and Stiles were his foils, as they let what had happened to them control their actions.  How many times did Peter excuse his terrible actions with the fire?  How many times did Derek fail to trust people because of Kate?   How often did Stiles cross boundaries because of his mother’s illness?  These are the reactions of normal men, the show said, but Scott was better because he didn’t let the things that happen to him determine how he would treat other people.

But his failure to acknowledge them, his failure to say “This happened to me” (and the failure of everyone in his life who was supposed to care for him – Stiles, the Sherriff, his girlfriends, his own damn mother – to acknowledge that these things happened to him as well) I think is one of the primary reasons that people fail to “relate” to him.  His seeming invulnerability to the after effects of trauma happened so often that the audience stopped seeing it as heroic and started seeing it as insensitive.  They began to see him as the type of person who would tell them that what happened to them doesn’t matter, they have to do something regardless (when that’s not how Scott was at all – he never told people that what happened to them didn’t matter).

As much as fandom fixates on white characters with copious amounts of pain, I can’t lay 100% of the blame for their characters when the production didn’t bother to acknowledge that trauma happened to their hero of color as well. I do know that no other production would have given their main character a six-episode unhealing chest wound and not have a single conversation about it during those six episodes, if their main character was white. 

[vernonfielding]

Life Writes Its Own Stories

Chapter 5! (And AO3, of course.)

Amy had entertained the idea of becoming a cop for a while in high school. She’d been in her sophomore year, when all of the Real Life conversations were just starting at school: The AP kids were obsessed with the PSAT and everyone had to go to mandatory career fairs and Amy had even started getting a few college brochures at home. Amy’s plans – though thoroughly detailed and organized – only went as far as getting into a really good college, and then figuring out the rest from there. But she’d spent a lot of time imagining herself in different jobs, and her fantasies had carouseled around becoming an internationally renowned cancer researcher, the next Sonia Sotomayor, or the youngest captain in NYPD history.

(She’d occasionally daydreamed about life as a journalist, maybe working overseas somewhere. But an actual career had seemed profoundly unrealistic. Until, one day, it wasn’t.)

She’d eventually ruled out the first two careers – scientist and judge – because science kind of bored her, if she was honest, and she didn’t have the gravitas or the social intelligence to be a leader like Sotomayor. So by default she’d leaned into the captain fantasy.

At the same time, she started to notice how many late nights and weekends her father worked, and how some nights he came home with such a deep weariness in his shoulders that her mom just hugged him and held on. She saw, too, how cops were treated. Sure, there were the folks in their neighborhood who greeted Victor Santiago by name, who were proud to have a cop in their community. But she also heard the slurs shouted from passing cars and the hissed insults when she walked with him down the street. She knew what her friends in school said about cops. Some of their hate and distrust was earned – not by her father, but by other cops – but it still upset her. Victor Santiago was a kind, decent man, in a difficult, often thankless job.

Now, sitting at her desk at 10 p.m. on a Friday night, she felt angry on his behalf as she pored over the papers she’d been studying all week. Her father – and Jake, and other good cops – worked so hard for the people in this city, and these dumbasses in corrections were just blithely stomping all over people’s rights.

The irony of it, Amy knew, was that when her story ran most readers wouldn’t know, or care, that these jerks weren’t representative of all cops – they weren’t even part of the NYPD. Which meant that the good guys would get dumped on all over again. And there wasn’t anything she could do about it, other than write the truth.

Sometimes, Amy thought, this job sucked too.

The newsroom was quiet at this hour, the crackle of her police scanner unnaturally loud. Amy tipped the sound down a bit and stretched, lifting her arms over her head and looking around. Charles was the only other person in the newsroom, typing furiously. She assumed he was working on his personal food blog because the city desk deadline had passed an hour ago. Holt’s door was closed, the office dark beyond the blinds he’d left up. Amy sighed and flipped to the next page. There was another code she didn’t recognize so she added it to her growing list of numbers to look up later.

Beside the stack of papers, her phone suddenly vibrated, and Amy instantly smiled to herself. The screen lit up with a text from Pineapples: “OMG I have a killer story for you, literally killer. Call ASAP.”

Amy laughed out loud before she could stop herself, and slapped a hand over her mouth. She replied: “Stop it! You know I can’t write anything right now.”

“Oops sorry. Hold on, texting the Times.”

“Don’t you dare,” Amy wrote.

Jake replied with a shrug emoji, followed by a devil emoji and then a series of farm animal emojis.

Amy glanced at the time on her phone, and then the stack of papers in front of her.

She wrote: “What are you doing right now? I need dinner.”

“It’s 10 p.m.”

“I know,” Amy wrote. “Been a long day.”

She realized, belatedly, that she was acknowledging that she was working at 10 on a Friday night, and also that she had no friends to ask to dinner.

“Never mind,” she quickly typed. “I’ll grab something on the way home.”

“Meet me at Mario’s on Dekalb.”

Amy turned off her computer and stuffed her papers and her notebook into her purse and was out in three minutes. She called a goodbye to Charles over her shoulder but if he replied, she didn’t catch it.

Jake was leaning against the brick wall outside the pizza place when Amy walked up, slightly out of breath. He stood up straight when he spotted her.

“Hey,” she said. “Thanks for meeting me. You probably have way better things to do on a Friday night than talk to an annoying reporter.”

He grinned. “Usually, yes. But Rosa and I spent all day on a missing dog case for one of the Vulture’s gross frat bro friends so I haven’t eaten since- actually I don’t remember when.”

Amy gaped at him and said, “Is the Vulture a person?”

“Oh yeah, he’s our captain. Pembroke,” Jake said. “He’s the worst.”

“And Rosa is-”

“My partner.”

“The one who thinks talking to me is a terrible idea,” Amy said.

“That’s her,” Jake said, still beaming. “Shall we?”

He led Amy inside the pizza spot and up to the counter, where he tried to convince her to get the all-meat pizza that somehow had five different kinds of sausage on it. Amy opted for veggie instead. They took their slices the couple blocks down to Fort Greene, where they climbed a play structure, cold and empty this late at night, and ate with their feet dangling over the side of the slide tower.

It was an unseasonably chilly night, and Amy zipped up her jacket. Jake, she noticed, was wearing a leather jacket over his hoodie now, and for some reason the contrast made her grin – like he couldn’t decide if he wanted to be cool and sexy or cozy and sweet.

“What’s so funny?” Jake said, when she ducked her head to hide her smile.

“Nothing.” Amy took a huge bite of pizza, and Jake watched in what could have been alarm or awe as she chewed – and kept chewing – and finally swallowed. “This is really good pizza.”

“That was kind of disgusting,” Jake said, “but also impressive.”

“Thank you.” Amy made a show of dabbing her lips daintily with a napkin and Jake laughed. “Did you really have a tip for me tonight, or were you just messing around?”

“Totally messing with you.”

“Thank god,” Amy said. “This story is killing me.”

She droned on for a bit then, filling him in on the reporting so far. Holt had just that day given her another two weeks to work on the story, which Amy desperately needed and was grateful for, but it also added even more pressure. When she told Jake she was compiling a list of penal codes she still needed to look up, he offered to go over it for her to save her some time. Amy hesitated, because she didn’t technically need his help for that kind of work. Eventually she told him she could handle it, and he shrugged and focused back on his pizza. She got the sense he was disappointed.

“Everyone’s been really supportive at work, at least,” Amy said. “I was worried that they’d all be mad at me, since the other reporters have to pick up my slack while I’m busy with this stuff. But even Gina’s been leaving me alone, mostly.”

“Linetti?” Jake said.

“Yeah. You read her column?”

“Sometimes.” Jake popped the last bite of crust in his mouth and balled up the wax paper the slice had come on, tossing it toward a trashcan at the edge of the play area. “We grew up together.”

Amy grinned as the paper neatly landed in the trash. Then she frowned and said, “Wait, what? You know Gina? Gina Linetti?”

“Oh yeah,” Jake said. “All the way back to kindergarten. I actually sublet her apartment now.”

“How is that even possible?”

“Subletting isn’t that weird,” Jake said.

“Shut up, loser,” Amy said, when Jake grinned at her. “How is it possible that you are friends with Gina and I had no idea?”

Jake shrugged dramatically. “I guess you’re just not that good of a reporter?”

“Jerk,” Amy said, but she actually couldn’t help but feel a little bit like an idiot.

Gina was nosy as hell, and she’d known for a long time that Amy had a source in the NYPD who was based in Brooklyn. That she hadn’t let it slip that an old friend of hers was a detective at the Nine-Nine seemed like a deliberate omission. There was no way Gina would have been able to resist not lording that kind of connection over Amy.

She was also a little annoyed that Jake hadn’t said anything, though she wasn’t going to let him know it.

“Hey,” Jake said, contrite. “I was kidding, obviously.”

“Right, I know.” Amy tried to sound casual.

“Look, I would have said something but it didn’t even occur to me.” Jake leaned back against the play structure and stuffed his hands in the pockets of his jacket. “Gina and I never talk about work – or my work, anyway. To be honest, I’m not sure she even remembers that I’m a cop.”

“That’s crazy,” Amy said, scooting back so she was sitting beside him.

Jake shot her a cynical look. “When she got her first reporting job, I told her that from now on everything I said about work was off the record. And she said, and I’m basically quoting here: ‘Fine, but you can’t talk about work anymore because it’s boring and I’m not going to be bored if I can’t even write about it.’ So I stopped talking about work. Like, ten years ago.”

Amy tried to process that but finally just shook her head. “Yeah, still crazy.”

“Well, that’s Gina.”

Amy didn’t get the sense that he was bothered by Gina’s lack of interest in his professional life – which was awful, because the line between personal and professional was incredibly blurred for most cops, to the point where it basically didn’t exist. In other words, if Jake was like almost every other cop she knew, his badge was his identity. It was everything.

But she supposed that indifference-bordering-on-negligence was a known hazard of a friendship with Gina. And Amy didn’t want to feel sorry for Jake.

Still, Amy wasn’t Gina – and she wasn’t bored.

“So, a missing dog case?” Amy said. “Really?”

“Oh yeah, it was such a waste of time. The Vulture’s always trying to give me and Rosa worthless cases but this one might have been the dumbest. The dog looked like a rat, Amy!”

Amy laughed, and Jake laughed with her, and then he launched into the Case of the Rat-Dog – capitalization noted – which had a surprising number of twists and turns, including a foray into a gelato shop that was really a mob front, and ended with the dog having simply run away to live with a better family than the Vulture’s frat-bro friend. Amy was in tears by the end and actually whooped in celebration when the dog found his forever-home.

“I can’t believe you spent your entire day tracking down a happy dog,” Amy said, wiping tears from her eyes. She was sitting cross-legged on the play structure, huddled into her jacket.

“I guess they can’t all be super cool undercover assignments,” Jake said with a sigh.

“You’ve gone undercover?”

“Sure, all the time. Once I spent six months with the mafia. But that story will wait for another night,” he said, and stood up, hissing and shaking his right leg as he got to his feet.

“Leg fell asleep?”

“Yeah,” Jake said. He pulled out his phone and his eyebrows shot up. “Which is what happens when you sit on a playground for two hours. Good lord.”

“We’ve been here that long?” Amy pulled out her own phone to check.

Jake nodded and held out a hand to her, and she took it and let him haul her to her feet. His hand was warm from his pocket and the touch sent a spark up her arm, making her shiver in a way she wasn’t sure was from the cold. He didn’t let go right away, and when Amy turned toward the stairs to climb down from the play structure, he tugged her in the opposite direction.

“You know we gots to slide,” he said, jerking his head that way.

“Jake, we’re too big-”

But Jake was pulling her in front of him, and he manhandled her onto the top of the slide and said, “Ladies first!” and gave her a shove. Amy screamed as she slipped down, surprised by how fast she was moving. She hit the lip at the bottom and toppled off, just barely managing to stay on her feet.

A second later Jake yelled, “Yippee ki yay, mother fucker!” He raced down, and when he hit the bottom he flew right off and slammed into Amy, knocking them both back into the sand.

Amy grunted as she landed hard on her back, surprised more than hurt. She felt Jake on top of her, and looked up to find his face inches from hers. She stared into his wide eyes, her heart pounding, and then he rolled off and scrambled to his knees at her side.

“Oh my god, are you okay? I had no idea that was going to happen, usually the kids’ slides aren’t that fast.” Jake’s hands hovered over her, like he thought he should be checking her for injuries but wasn’t sure if he should touch her. “Oh god, you’re hurt, aren’t you. Should I call someone? I should call 911. No, I can take you there myself. Can you walk? I can carry you to my car, I’m only a couple blocks from here-”

Amy bit the inside of her cheek. “Jake-”

“No, don’t talk-”

“I’m fine,” Amy managed before she broke down, laughing so hard she was practically wheezing.

Jake went quiet, and Amy sat up and tried to say something encouraging but just ended up collapsing into more laughter.

“I hate you,” Jake said, obviously fighting a smile. “Sincerely.”

“If you have a car,” Amy said, breathless, “could you give me a lift home? Or would you rather carry me?”

Jake smirked at her, then stood and brushed the sand off his legs before offering her a hand again.

+++

Late night dinners became a regular thing.

Jake got the feeling that Amy had reservations about how much time they were spending together, though she never said anything directly. She came armed every time with a question or request for him: a penal code she didn’t understand, his thoughts on something another source had told her, where she might track down some key piece of information she was missing. He helped when he could, but they inevitably ended up chatting about personal stuff after a few minutes.

He didn’t mind. They were both surprised to learn how similar their jobs could be, once they looked beyond who carried a gun and had the power to arrest people, and who actually knew how to use a semicolon and had the power, in theory, to take down the president of the United States.

They both regularly got phone calls from people who swore that airplane contrails were really secret government vaccination programs. They both had at least old person who sent them literal letters – like in envelopes, with stamps and everything – offering unsolicited advice on their jobs. Amy had an old woman who called her once a week to correct her grammar (“It’s not my fault! The copy desk is supposed to catch that stuff!”) and Jake had an old man who called every Tuesday to complain about the trash cans blocking his driveway after the garbage trucks came through (“I don’t know why he doesn’t call sanitation. Am I supposed to arrest the garbage man? Or woman?”). And, it turned out, both of them always answered those calls and listened and agreed that yes, their grandchildren should call more often.

“She just seems kind of lonely,” Amy said one night, as they shared a basket of deep-fried pickles at a bar all the way out in Bushwick. They tried to avoid the neighborhoods around the newsroom and the precinct and either of their homes, and though Amy didn’t always love the commutes, she had to admit it was kind of nice to shake up her routine.

“Yeah, Fred too,” Jake said. “Sometimes I wonder if he isn’t putting his own trash cans in the driveway just so he has an excuse to call me.”

They also shared somewhat pathetic dating lives. When Jake asked one night if she had a boyfriend, Amy shook her head and said she was determined to focus on her job for the moment. “I get it,” Jake said. “The NYPD doesn’t play very well in most relationships.”

They texted every day, and met up two or three times a week. Every now and then one of them would turn down the other’s invitation – they did have friends, or he at least assumed Amy did – but they usually made up for it in a day or two.

Only once did Jake hesitate with his reply, when Amy texted him late one Thursday afternoon. He’d had a rough day and he wasn’t sure if he could be his usual charming, and admittedly silly, self. After an hour, though, he texted back a thumbs up.

Amy had picked some weird sausage-based restaurant for this meeting, and Jake was relieved he didn’t have much of an appetite. He smiled when he saw her and gamely ordered a beer.

“You have to at least split a sausage platter with me,” Amy said. “My coworker swore this place is amazing but he has very questionable taste and I am not going into this alone.”

“Yeah, a friend of mine actually recommended this to me once but I couldn’t go through with it,” Jake said.

Amy ordered the platter and while they waited for the food she filled him in on the progress she’d made on the detention center story. Jake listened and nodded along, quietly drinking his beer. When he ordered a second pint, Amy looked him in the eye and said, “What’s up, Jake?”

He frowned and thought about saying nothing, nothing was up, but he didn’t really feel like lying. Instead he just shrugged, which felt passive-aggressive and pathetic but he wasn’t sure what else to do.

“Look, you don’t have to tell me anything,” Amy said, voice dropping as she leaned forward. “But you’ve obviously got something on your mind, and if you want to talk, you can.”

Jake was dismayed to feel the prickle of tears in his eyes, not from any particular grief or sadness but from the gentle tone of her voice, from the kindness she was showing him. He took a deep breath and turned away from her, willing himself not to cry. The waiter arrived then, setting a truly horrifying pile of sausage between them, and Jake couldn’t help but laugh. He blinked a few times, and his eyes were dry as he faced Amy again.

She answered his grin with a small smile of her own that didn’t reach her eyes. But as she picked up a fork and stabbed at one of the sausages – the look on her face could only be described as equal parts terrified, disgusted, and stubborn – Jake blew out a breath and decided to go for it.

“It’s not that big of a deal,” he said, opening his napkin and spreading it carefully over his lap just to have something to do with his hands. “One of my CIs died today.”

“That’s awful, Jake.” Amy dropped the fork, the sausage landing halfway on her plate and the table. “I’m so sorry.”

Jake shrugged, feeling a little like an asshole for coming across so callous, but he really didn’t do well with emotions. “He hadn’t been an informant for all that long, like three months maybe.”

“Still, you get to know them and rely on them,” Amy said. “They’re like your sources. Oh my god, I’d be devastated if something happened to you.”

Jake looked up at her and stared, feeling a little gut-punched.

“It’s not like that,” Jake said, softy.

“Not like what?”

Jake held her gaze, trying to ignore the tension that seemed suddenly strung between them, like a physical thing. He could feel his breathing coming too fast, could feel the slow flip of his stomach.

“Not like us,” he said.

He quickly looked down at his plate, coughed and cleared his throat.

“I mean, informants have a pretty short life expectancy as it is,” he said, trying to shift the subject. “They’re usually criminals, more often than not they’re talking to the cops just to keep themselves out of trouble or get a competitor off the street.”

“Right, of course,” Amy said. He glanced back up to see she was focused on her sausage again, cutting it up into bite-sized pieces but not actually eating. “Still, I’m sorry. Do you know what happened to him?”

“You mean, did he get nailed for snitching?” Jake said. Amy snapped her head up in alarm, already protesting, but Jake held up a hand and smiled faintly. “It’s okay, it’s the first question we ask. In this case, no, I don’t think so. He was found dead of an overdose.”

“Oh, that’s- good?” Amy said, flustered.

“Better than being shot, but that’s also an occupational hazard,” Jake said. He realized he felt hungry, for the first time since learning about his CI that morning, so he stabbed a sausage too. “One interesting thing, it looks like he OD’d on that new drug, Jazzy Pants.”

“Whoa, wait, new drug?” Amy said. “What’s this?” She was already digging into her purse, presumably for her notebook and pen.

Jake laughed and waved her off. “I swear, I don’t know anything else about it. The Vulture won’t let us investigate it because the Seven-Eight has a task force.”

“The 78th,” Amy muttered to herself as she wrote it down.

“Um, one more thing,” Jake said. Amy put away her notebook and looked back at him expectantly. “You won’t write about any of this, right? Like the CI, or, whatever?”

“Of course not.” Amy looked truly surprised. “Jake, this was personal. I would never do that to you.”

Jake let out his breath and nodded once. “I know. I know you wouldn’t. I just-”

“I get it,” Amy said. “Reporters have a certain reputation. But we’re not all vultures.”

Jake actually laughed at that. “Trust me, I know you aren’t a vulture.”

Amy rolled her eyes at him, but she also gave him a fond smile. They were both quiet for a while, a comfortable silence falling between them as they finally got to work on the sausages.

Jake realized after a few minutes that – despite the sausage already heavy in his stomach and the emotionally charged conversation they’d just endured – there was a lightness in his chest and his head that he couldn’t identify. It wasn’t quite happiness or relief, but something close to peace. He looked across the sausage mountain at Amy, and he smiled.

CHAPTER 6

[proteuus]

We got a month left until PSAT scores are released 🎉🎉🎉

You and I are. The only ones this excited lmao

hh I want to see them but also I don't. I know I probably did well, but whenever I think about it I always get so paranoid, what if I got like. a 700. What if I just did so terribly yknow. Usually I think I did pretty well but it's hard not to dwell on worst case scenario every once in awhile

[teffyxswift]

did terrible on the psat! won’t be able to go to college out of state! exams next week! test tomorrow! 100 pages of math due monday! i am so dumb! life is great! :)

[nocteverbascio]

that one high school au - alex/lucy (rated t)

Pairing: Alex Danvers/Lucy Lane Summary: Alex is terrible at emotions and this thing with Lucy Lane has been going on way too long - a story about enemies to friends to lovers A/N: a mini series of random ships in a high school au - all the girls are queer on different levels

ao3 link

Alex isn’t good at emotions. She’s never been good at them. Sure she liked the attention from boys and such because she thought that’s how it was supposed to go. She thought she’d find the cutest guy and be his girlfriend, but honestly the three guys that she’s been with were just missing something.

Funny enough drinking shitty Coors Light in the back of Sara’s dad’s pick up truck made her realize that those lingering stares at girls who raised their hands in class or girls walking down the halls were more than just stares. Sara climbing on her lap, playing with her hair, and kissing her confirmed it.

It scared the crap out of her.

They almost weren’t best friends anymore because not only was Sara in a relationship with Ollie at the time, but because Alex really liked kissing Sara, but she didn’t like Sara like that. Which was all the more confusing.

Then at the beginning of the school year, Alex comes home pissed with a black eye and two sprained fingers.

“Alex, calm down!” Kara rushes after her through the door.

“No, I fucking won’t!” Alex cries out as she stomps through the house. She rips her backpack off her and throws it at the corner of the couch that it knocks down the photo frame sitting at the end table with a crash.

“Alex, I don’t get why you’re so mad!” Kara says shutting the door after her. “She’s not all that bad.”

Of course, it’s also the one day that Eliza is actually home from the lab. They run into her as they pass the dining room.

“Are you fucking kidding me, Kara?” Alex yells angrily. She tries to ball her fists but her right hand hurts from where her ring and pinky finger are sprained. “I have a black eye because of her!”

“Hey! What’s going on?” Eliza steps in between the two girls. “Alex, what happened?” She goes to Alex and cups her face to look at the nasty bruise on her right eye. “Who did this to you?”

Alex goes quiet at this. Her face is still red and she’s shaking with anger and frustration. She feels ridiculously hurt and she doesn’t even know why. “I don’t want to talk about it,” she grumbles angrily.

“One of the girls spiked the ball into her face during gym class,” Kara answers for Alex.

Alex looks over Eliza’s shoulder to shoot a glare at Kara.

“Was it on purpose?” Eliza asks with concerned, looking at Kara for an honest answer if Alex wasn’t going to talk.

“No!” Kara defends. “Of course it wasn’t.”

“Of course it was!” Alex argues, this time her voice cracks. “You saw all of them, you can’t say that wasn’t a fucking set up!”

Eliza shoots a confused look at her daughter. “Alex, you need to calm down.”

Alex opens her mouth to yell some more but her bottom lip quivers and she shuts her mouth. The emotions that have been stirring have been affecting her for awhile now and she can start to feel the tears stinging her eyes.

“They laughed at her,” Kara says with disappointment. Eliza wraps her arm defensively around Alex’s shoulder before staring at Kara to continue. “The girls on the cheerleading squad were on the other team and after the ball hit Alex’s face they all laughed at her. Some of them said she had it coming.”

Alex clenches her jaw.

Eliza looks at her daughter, but Alex just looks away. “Did they say anything else?”

“No! Lucy told them to stop laughing at her,” Kara defends, “which is what I was trying to tell you, Alex! She didn’t mean to hit you in the face.”

Alex doesn’t have any of it. She doesn’t want to hear it anymore. She can feel her throat close up from wanting to cry and she steps out of her mother’s grasp to run upstairs. When she gets in her room, she can’t help feeling the overwhelming emotion and slams her door shut behind her. She wants to scream and throw more things, but she’s too rational to do so and instead she climbs into her bed, grabbing her panda pillow pet to hug as she sits on her bed willing herself not to cry.

All she can think about is that stupid cocky smile on Lucy Lane’s face whenever they pass each other in the hallways or when she answers a question over Alex or corrects Alex in front of everyone. It makes Alex shake inside whenever she sees Lucy and her perfectly fit body and beautifully tan faced and gorgeously wavy short hair. Everyone loves Lucy and it pisses Alex off because she’s so annoyed by her. Lucy has everything, why does she feel the need to compete with her so goddamn much?

The tears welling in her eyes start to burn and they fall when she can’t bear to keep her eyes open any longer. But she quickly wipes them away, bringing her knees to her chest to pin the panda against her chest.

There’s a soft knock on her door and Alex wipes her eyes faster in case it’s Kara. The door opens slowly and her mother peers into the room.

Alex isn’t sure she wants to talk if she’s just going to get yelled at.

Eliza comes in with a glass of water in her hand, slowly shutting the door behind her. She approaches Alex carefully and takes a seat on the bed beside her. She doesn’t say anything as she hands her the water.

Alex swallows, feeling her throat scratchy and takes the glass thankfully. She’s still curled up as her mom sits next to her. “Are you going to yell at me?”

Eliza looks at her daughter sadly. There’s an indiscernible look on her face. “I’m not going to yell at you,” she says wrapping her arm around Alex’s shoulder to comfort her. “Although, you have to apologize for swearing at Kara. You know, she’s sensitive to that.”

Alex leans in, letting herself get comfortable. It’s been a long time since she’s felt like she’s needed her mother since her father died. They grew apart...but she wants her mom for once. She doesn’t say anything though.

It takes a moment, but Eliza finally speaks again, “Do you want to tell me about this Lucy?”

Alex shuts her eyes at the mention of Lucy and she drops her head onto her mother’s shoulder tiredly. “I don’t wanna.”

Eliza hums quietly and rubs Alex’s shoulder.

Alex lets out a shuddering breath though. “She’s just this girl in school that’s been competing with me since freshman year. She’s on the cheerleading squad, but she’s surprisingly ridiculously smart. You think I’m smart, but she can keep up, so she’s in almost all of my classes. She’s annoyingly good at everything and likes to get in my way to prove it.”

Eliza hums again, this time lighter. “How come I’m only hearing about this now?” There’s a smile in her voice that catches Alex’s attention.

Alex picks up her head and takes another drink of water, trying to get some distance, suddenly feeling self conscious. She uses that moment to collect herself. “It’s just gotten worse this year. We are both in the running for valedictorian, prepping for PSATs, and choosing colleges.” She picks at the little hairs of her pillow. “I don’t know, she’s just--I feel like I see her all the time and everytime I see her I get so mad.”

“Is she picking on you?”

Alex shakes her head. “No, she’s--she just makes all these stupid comments about who is going to curve the test or who is going to mess up in lab first. And she asks me if I need help in lab all the freaking time! Like does it look like I need help?”

Eliza stares at her with an amused smiles that makes her even more self conscious.

“What? Why are you looking at me like that?” Alex snaps, curling away from her.

“I’m just--I’ve never seen you like this,” Eliza points out, still smiling.

“Like what?”

“I know that you and I haven’t been particularly close and there’s a lot of things that you like to keep to yourself. But I just want to make sure---Alex, do you have a crush on Lucy?”

Alex feels her whole body warm, her neck and ears especially as she pushes off the bed uncomfortably. “What? A crush? Mom, I’m not--” she starts defensively. Her heart pounds in her chest because she can’t tell what her mom is getting at. She can’t know. She doesn’t know about Alex liking girls.

“Alex,” Eliza directs firmly. “Calm down. I’m not trying to make you feel uncomfortable. I just want to know where you’re at.” She pats the space beside her for Alex to sit down. “No one has ever made you lash out like this before and I don’t want you to feel like you can’t talk to me.”

Alex stares at her mom carefully. She sees the softness in her eyes and slowly sits back down on her bed. She bites the inside of her lip as she plays with the glass in her hand, thumb pressing against the glass thoughtfully. Her heart continues to pound inside of her and the trepidation inside of her grows. She opens her mouth to speak but she doesn’t know where to start.

The emotions overwhelm her and she feels it ball up in her throat. She shudders out another sigh and crawls on her bed, carefully not tilting the glass, until she can lie her head on Eliza’s lap.

“Mom…please be okay with this,” Alex begs as she curls up. She can’t bear to look at her mom as she says, “I like girls.” Alex shuts her eyes and lets a moment pass before she feels Eliza’s soft hands brush her hair.

“Hmm,” she sounds softly with acceptance. “It’s okay.”

Alex peers up to her mom. “You sure?”

Eliza smiles down at her and nods. “You’re my daughter. I’m sure.” She lets out a breath, relaxing further into the bed as she brushes Alex’s hair. “So Lucy?”

Alex blushes this time and shakes her head. “I don’t know,” she admits. “I’ve barely figured this whole lesbian thing and it’s just been making my head a mess every time Lucy’s around. I don’t know. I’m just scared.” She quietly rubs her sprained fingers to ease the pain.

“From what Kara says, Lucy is a pretty nice girl.” Alex grunts in response that makes Eliza smile. “Have you talked to Lucy? Actually had a conversation with her?”

Alex frowns. “No? We just bicker and fight.” She sighs. “I just--she just makes me--I-is this how it’s supposed to feel?”

“What?”

“A crush. When I see her I just get so off balance and out of control like I want to run away and keep running but I keep thinking about her and all the stupid things about her that bother me. And everyone keeps telling me she’s actually nice and she’s not a brat but every time she’s around something inside me just freaks out and it makes me not like her.”

Eliza lets out a little laugh that makes Alex roll onto her back to look at her mom.

“What?” Alex narrows her eyes.

“Sounds to me like you’ve liked her for awhile but you just never knew what to do with those feelings,” Eliza points out. “You know what they say, the more you hate someone, the more you like them.”

Alex scoffs. “No one says that, mom.”

Eliza hums. “You say that, but here you are, unreasonably mad at a girl that you’ve barely gotten to know over the last three years.”

“Ugh,” Alex groans looking up at the ceiling. She lets out a big sigh, feeling the weigh in her chest slowly ebb away. “I feel hurt mom. It really hurt me when that ball hit my face and not because of the ball, but I felt humiliated when those girls started laughing. I just felt like--I don’t know…”

“You thought Lucy wanted to hurt you?” Eliza prods gently.

Alex shuts her eyes and nods. “She just stood there and stared at me while all the other girls laughed. And usually, I don’t care because it’s their opinion but---I didn’t know what to do so I ran.” She sighs again.

Eliza quietly sits there, running her fingers through Alex’s hair soothingly. Eliza lets her know that they can talk about it more when Alex figures everything out and starts dinner for them.  

Alex eventually finds her center, trying to focus on what she can do to not waste anymore of her time. She, of course, ignores her feelings for the time being, opting to do more homework hidden away in her room. She doesn’t find Kara downstairs, but she does see the photo frame of their family photo picked up with a single crack across it that makes her feel guilty.

The doorbell rings.

Alex looks confused as she goes to answer the door.

The last person she expects to see stands before her.

Lucy Lane.

Lucy stands there a pair of sweatpants and her school track jacket over a simple white t-shirt. She smiles with uncertainty as she stands there clasping something in her hand.

“Hey, Danvers,” Lucy greets in her sweet voice.

Alex feels the heat rise to her face, her eyes widen, her heart pound in her chest, and her body shake. Without a second thought, she slams the door shut.

“Alex!”

There are two admonishing voices that makes Alex turn around. Kara and Eliza stand there both mortified that Alex just slammed the door on Lucy.

“What’s she doing here?!” Alex hisses, glancing back at the door as if Lucy can see her.

“We don’t know now,” Kara sasses, gesturing towards the door. “Don’t be rude!”

Alex can feel her heart practically beat out of her chest. “No!” is her knee jerk response. Her palms start to sweat because Lucy Lane is at her house. “Why is she here?!”

Eliza’s lips thin at her daughter and she makes her way past Alex to open the door. Alex hides on the other side much to Kara’s surprise.

Luckily, Lucy is still standing there, albeit stunned at the door suddenly being slammed on her.

“Hi, can I help you?” Eliza asks.

Alex glances through the crack of the doorway to see Lucy’s expression. Lucy pushes her hair back nervously before reaching out her hand.

“My name is Lucy Lane, ma’am, I’m here to speak to your daughter, Alex, if that’s okay?” Lucy informs succinctly and precisely.

It’s strange for Alex to hear Lucy speak so properly. She’s too used to Lucy’s annoyingly cheerful and carefree voice. She can tell her mother is also surprised as well.

“It’s nice to meet you, Lucy, I’ve heard about you,” Eliza returns simply as she takes Lucy’s hand. It’s a power move to make Lucy uncomfortable.

Lucy doesn’t respond just yet, which means there’s an exchange of looks Alex can’t spy from behind the door. Then Lucy calmly says, “Of course. I apologize for giving Alex a black eye, but I hope I can talk to her. If it’s okay with you and if she wants to.”

Alex can’t contain her curiosity as much as she cowers behind the door. She steps behind her mother, peering around her shoulder slowly. “What do we have to talk about?” she shoots out.

Lucy doesn’t look surprised at Alex’s sudden appearance. She does look at Eliza for permission before looking at Alex. She doesn’t get to answer.

“Alex,” Eliza interrupts. “Why don’t you take Lucy to the back porch?” Alex looks like she’s about to protest but she adds, “Let’s not be rude now, she’s come all this way.” She opens the door further for Lucy to enter their home.

Lucy politely accepts the invitation much to Alex’s dismay. She greets Kara, who welcomes her with open arms and whispers something in her ear that Alex can’t quite catch. Lucy doesn’t seemed bothered as she pats Kara’s arms.

Alex stiffly stands there, back as straight at Lucy’s before she jerks her hand in the general vicinity of where she’s leading Lucy. There’s a sense of dread that fills Alex as she leads Lucy outside. It’s one thing to see Lucy at school, but it’s completely different to see her elsewhere, let alone her own home. It’s a sacred space. Her sacred space.

They get outside and Alex takes a deep breath of fresh air to prepare herself. She looks out from the vantage point they are at and sees the docks in the distance.

“I’ve never seen Star City quite like this,” Lucy says as she stands beside Alex near the railing.

Alex crosses her arms, her pinky and ring fingers carefully grasp her arm. She’s been meaning to wrap that since she’s gotten back. “What did you come here for?” Alex asks without exactly looking at Lucy.

Lucy turns to look at Alex fully, for a brief moment she bows her head demurely as she looks at her. “I wanted to make sure you were okay,” she answers, picking her words carefully.

Alex lets out a scoff. “Why--why would you care?”

Lucy takes a deep breath and her hand reaches out to touch Alex, but she thinks twice when Alex notices how close she is. “Because I care about what you think,” she admits. Alex stares dubiously. “About me.”

Alex furrows her brows. “What’re you talking about?”

“Do you remember chem class with Dr. Wells?” Lucy asks.

Alex nods, remembering it clearly. “You came in late and turns out you and I were the only freshmen in the class.”

Lucy smiles. “So he paired us up and I went over to your bench and tried to help.” Alex narrows her eyes. “I was so nervous being new and I poured in the sodium hydroxide instead of the sulfuric acid into the copper solution. You were so mad.” She scratches the back of her neck nervously.  “I tried so hard to talk to you after that, you know, to make it up?”

“You did not,” Alex scoffs.

“I definitely did,” Lucy argues. “I tried giving you a pastry but we were in lab and you were all ‘we can’t have food in lab, you should put that away.’” Alex nods in agreement and Lucy lets out a small laugh. “I ate an unnecessary amount of chocolate croissants for a week because you didn’t realize I was trying to give you it.” There’s a small blush on Lucy’s cheeks as she briefly looks to her feet. “I wanted you to like me.”

Alex feels her cheeks warm. “Why are you telling me this now?” She curls up into herself just a bit more, hoping that Lucy doesn’t notice.

“Because I just don’t know what I’ve done to make you hate me so much,” Lucy looks upset as she stares directly at Alex’s black eye, “but if you do it’s okay.” Her fingers come up gently under her sprained ones and Alex feels a shock from the touch. “I just want you to know that I would never hurt you.”

Alex shies away from Lucy’s electrifying touch, feeling her cheeks warm instantly. There’s a hurt look on Lucy’s face and she takes a step back to give them a modest space. Alex feels her heart jump. “I don’t!” She blurts out. “I me-mean, I-I-I don’t hate you.”

Lucy’s eyes widen and slowly asks, “You don’t?”

Alex bites her lip and shakes her head. “It’s complicated.” Lucy stares at Alex in confusion and Alex reddens. She has feelings for Lucy, sure, but she doesn’t know what that means. What does she do with them? “I-just, I don’t hate you. Like I want to hate you because of your annoyingly smart ass answers in class and ridiculously perfect hair and stupidly pretty face, but you’re not like evil. You just--every time you get near me I get so crazy--I don’t know.” Alex feels like she’s run a marathon after her rambling. And honestly, she doesn’t know what she was trying to achieve.

There’s a brief moment of silence as Lucy studies her. There’s an adorable tilt of her head as she asks, “You think I’m pretty?”

Alex blushes hard. “That wasn’t the point,” Alex sasses quickly, looking anywhere that isn’t Lucy. “People always talk about you. Lots of people say you’re pretty. I’m just--I just--I’m not going to disagree. It’s hard not to notice you when we have class together like all the time.”

As Alex continues to ramble, Lucy just stares at her with an annoying half smile at the corner of her lips. She looks like she’s trying to figure something out and she does with loud and wide eye, “Oh!”

Alex’s eyes widen. “It’s not a big deal--you’re not unnoticeable and I just happen to notice. I’m not--”

Before Alex get another word out Lucy lunges forward and presses her lips against Alex’s. Alex’s eyes widen because Lucy is kissing her and it’s all awkward and strange because she wasn’t expecting it and her mouth is weirdly open because she’s in the middle of her words. But Lucy’s lips are so soft and smooth and then they move--Alex gasps softly that allows Lucy’s lips to slot between hers, kissing her bottom lip gently. Alex slowly kisses Lucy back because it feels nice.

It feels right.

Kissing Sara was completely different, they were drunk so it was sloppy and hot. Sara pushed down on her just right to make her heart pound and kissed her roughly.

Lucy on the other hand takes her time. She kisses Alex so sweetly like she’s savoring the moment.

Alex savors it too. Those times in class when she sees Lucy speak so much, only to spend the rest of the day fixated on Lucy’s lips. She’s pushed the thoughts of how Lucy’s lips have felt against her to the dark corners of her mind because she never thought this day would ever come. She thought she was a freak for even letting a blip of imagination through. Now Lucy’s here kissing her.

Reality comes crashing back and Alex quickly puts her hands on Lucy’s shoulders to push her back.

“Wait, wait-what’re you doing?” Alex lets out quickly, her heart frantically beating inside her. She unconsciously looks around thinking she’s in school and the cheerleading squad is going to pop out and laugh at her.

“I’m so sorry!” Lucy immediately apologizes from the look on Alex’s face. “I just got a bit excited--you were saying--and I thought--you like girls right? I didn’t just misinterpret this whole ‘repressed gay trope’ thing right?”

“Repressed gay trope?” Alex lets out, sounding more offended than she wants to.

Lucy misinterprets this and quickly steps back. “Oh my god, I’m so sorry. I clearly misinterpreted this. I thought you were telling me that the reason why it seemed like you hated me so much was because you actually liked me. And I got really excited because you liked me, but probably not like like me.” Lucy rubs her temples, horrified at herself. “I’m such a mess. I’m so sorry if that was way out of line and I made you uncomfortable. Everything just made sense like I like you and you like me back but now you probably actually do hate me.” She wrings her fingers in her hands, sleeves coming down just enough to barely show them. “I should probably go. I’m pretty sure I’ve done enough.”

Alex takes a second to soak in what Lucy’s said. It’s different on the receiving end of a ramble and there’s only one thing that sticks out. “You like me?” Lucy stops walking away from Alex to look back at her. “You like like me?”

Lucy takes a deep breath and squares herself before turning to Alex. She stands bravely before Alex and nods confidently. “Yes. I like like you. I’ve had a crush on you since day one.”

Alex dumbly says, “Oh.” The certainty in Lucy’s voice makes Alex feel inadequate. “Are you...gay?”

Lucy shakes her head. “I’m bisexual. I don’t advertise it but my family knows and the girls on the squad know for the most part.”

“And they don’t care?”

Lucy’s lip tighten because she’s trying to smile, but there’s a bit of sadness in her eyes. “My dad isn’t entirely okay with it, but the girls don’t really care.”

“Are you sure?” Alex asks wearily.

Lucy nods. “They just do that stupid whisper thing in the halls when they see you and say stupid stuff because they know I have a crush on you.” Alex’s eyes widen at Lucy’s admission. “Don’t worry, it’s--they don’t think you’re a lesbian. They think you just hate me. And they automatically take my side because I’m on the squad.”

Alex nods, trying to make sense of everything. She just doesn’t even know where to begin. She’s still trying to process her own feelings and while it helps to get a better understanding of Lucy, she just doesn’t know what to do.

“Look, Alex, I’m sorry if this makes you uncomfortable or confused,” Lucy begins sadly, “but if you want, we can forget about this and move on. Whatever you want to do.” She still stands tall but Alex notices the shimmer in her green eyes.

“How I feel about you is very...complicated,” Alex begins softly, trying to gain the courage Lucy’s had this entire time. “I like you but I’ve tried so hard to not like you that everything is confusing. I have a million thoughts running through my head and I’m still processing them.”

Lucy nods, standing there patiently for Alex to continue.

“I liked kissing you,” Alex blurts out for one thing that she’s sure of. “You’re really good at that.” She lets out nervously with a shy smile. “But we just--we’re not friends and we don’t know much about each other.”

“Do you want to try getting to know each other?” Lucy’s eyes brighten eagerly.

Alex shyly tucks her hair behind her ear. “As in--”

“Friends?” Lucy offers. “To start? I mean, no pressure obviously. If you want to your own thing, I support that.”

Lucy just stares up at Alex with bright hopeful eyes and her chest tightens because it’s beautiful. Her first instinct is to look away but Lucy’s presence is so warm and inviting, she can’t. So she fights that urge to run because it’s clear that Lucy has been trying and still wants to try. Alex takes a breath and nods. “Okay. I think that might help. Friends.”

Lucy smiled brightly at her that day, gingerly taking Alex’s hand. Her first act as her friend was to help splint her sprained fingers with the Icy Hot she had been fiddling with in her pocket. While Alex blushed profusely at how gentle Lucy was being, they had their first real conversation.

Four months later and Alex finds herself dragging her feet because she knows she’s in deep shit. She has feelings for Lucy. Real legitimate feelings.

Those feelings are getting harder and harder to ignore the more time they spend together.

It’s kind of crazy how much they have in common (from little things like their favorite movies and ice cream to big things like their convictions to right wrongs and defend the little guy). More importantly, they complement each other so well. Lucy is easy to get along with Alex finds out, when she pushes her sharp tongue and wit to the back of her mind to actually listen to Lucy. Lucy is genuinely kind and thoughtful; the reason she seems like she knows everything all the time is because she actually does. She pays attention to her friends and family as well as Alex does, observing little nuance behaviors and habits, but she’s much better at sympathizing than Alex is, reaching out when she cares and helping from the beginning to end.

It’s so frustrating for Alex because she’s painted a vastly different picture of Lucy and now that she’s looking at it again, it’s completely different. She doesn’t feel annoyed and jealous of Lucy, she actually admires Lucy. And she likes her. All of the things she held in contempt before are things that have grown to be endearing to Alex. She can’t imagine Lucy any other way.

The only problem is telling Lucy how she feels. It’s been four months of “being friends.” It was stupidly open ended for Alex to say they could be friends because now she feels like that’s all they are. It was really Alex’s fault; she knows it. Not only was Alex not good at dealing with emotions, but she was even worse at showing physical affection. She is careful and choosy about who she hugs and who she lets touch her. Lucy unconsciously broke through all those barriers because she’s an affectionate person. She’s just as affectionate as Kara is, which is why they’re such good friends. But just as Alex is getting used to Lucy, she feels like Lucy’s starting to pull away.

And Alex doesn't know why.

Lucy doesn’t let her stares linger too long, doesn’t stand too close to Alex, and doesn’t let her hand linger on Alex’s. It bothers Alex and she doesn’t know what to do. All she knows is that she wants Lucy in more ways than one. It scares her how much she wants Lucy.

Lucy is always sure. It’s one of the many things she’s learned from Lois. If there were things that she wanted in life, she had to be sure of it. It’s what drives her to take action because if you didn’t then what was the point? What was the point of life if you didn’t take action to do what was good and right and just?

It doesn’t mean that she isn’t scared. At some points, she’s completely mortified. That’s how she knows she wants something, when she’s so scared it keeps her up at night. By morning, she would’ve resolved to do something about it.

It started as a crush when she was a freshman. Just seeing a pretty girl like Alex that intimidated her right to the core. Then it changed into a bit of infatuation. Lucy played with Alex, teasing her, poking fun, just to get her attention because Alex didn’t want her and would never want her. Now, she was as sure as a heart attack that she liked Alex. All because just four months ago, the truth came out. Alex came out to her. She came out to Alex. Then they were trying to be friends.

Friends.

Being just friends with Alex kind of sucks because Alex is the only one she wants.

People always think it’s easy for her to make friends. It doesn’t take much to be kind and genuine with people. But to be intimate with someone? To feel as close as she does with Alex?

Alex is probably the only one she’s ever talked to about her relationship with Lois and how ever since she’s come out to her family, that everything is a bit shittier than it seems because her father can’t seem to accept all of her. Lucy shrugs it off, but Alex is the one that gingerly places an arm around Lucy’s shoulder to pull her into a half hug before letting Lucy rest her head on her shoulder.

It isn’t fair that the one person she is close to, that she cares to be close to, probably doesn’t like her back at this point. And as much as Lucy wants to push it, she won’t. She wants to be respectful of Alex and their friendship. At first it was so amusing to watch Alex squirm in her proximity and tease her whenever possible. Now, she’s worried that she won’t just be teasing or joking with Alex anymore. There are moments where she looks at Alex and all she wants to do is kiss her soft lips until she runs out of breath.

Lucy hates feeling unsure of what to do. Does she keep waiting for Alex to maybe change her mind about being friends? Or should she just give up?

The dining room is quiet and tense.

They’re together. Alone. At Alex’s house. Doing homework.

They’re sitting across from each other with all of their books spread out between them with their laptops open like barriers.

The only sound that fills the room is the tapping of Lucy’s fingers against the keyboard and Alex’s mouse clicking, Lucy has diligently started their research paper, while Alex works on the graphics for their poster.

To say that Lucy is strictly focused on the paper would be untrue. She can’t help but look up at her partner at some points to catch Alex push her hair behind her ears or bite her lip in deep concentration. Just for a second.

They haven’t been alone in awhile. Lately, there have been buffers to help Lucy distract herself from Alex. Usually, Kara is there but today she’s staying late at Thea’s. And Alex’s mom is out of town for a conference.

Through the quiet, there’s a low grumble and Lucy looks up to see Alex blushing.

“Sorry, I’m getting hungry,” Alex murmurs as she sits back in her chair.

Lucy glances at the clock and realizes it’s close to dinner time. “Right, maybe we should call it a day?” she offers.

Alex seems a little bit tense but she nods. “I can look over the essay?”

“It’s on the Google Drive,” Lucy reminds as she closes her laptop and starts shutting her books.

“Oh, right. Uh...do you want to take a look at the poster so far?” Alex asks.

Lucy stops gathering her books and nods. “Sure, I mean I’m sure it looks fine since the last time we looked it over.” She gets out of her seat and walks over to Alex. She pauses to see if Alex is going to move her laptop towards her, but she doesn’t. Instead, Alex just sits back in her chair and lets Lucy take a look. Lucy takes a deep breath before leaning over to get a better look.

Their research paper is on ovarian cancer in pregnant women. It surprisingly didn’t take them long to choose a topic to research together. Lucy told Alex about her mother’s battle with cancer when she was pregnant with Lucy. Instead of expressing her condolences like many people have done when Lucy says her mother died (which is why she doesn’t talk about her mom since moving to Star City), Alex put two and two together and quietly admitted that she wants to become a doctor one day so it’d be good to know for the future.

Alex radiates heat as she leans over. It’s a joke that she liked making whenever they hung out to watch movies or play video games. It’s a comforting warmth that Lucy likes being around; it’s especially pleasing when she lets herself cuddle against Alex’s side because Alex would quietly grumble or tense but let Lucy do it anyway. Eventually, Alex would give in and let her, even casually throwing an arm around her.

“The poster looks good,” Lucy says after a brief moment. Suddenly, she feels too close and stands back up quickly, barely glancing at the poster. “We will just need some graphics.”

“Right, were you able to find some?”

“Yep, they’re in the paper. You can use the data figures I highlighted.” Lucy makes her way back around the table to pack her backpack.

Alex makes a small sound of realization. “Are you leaving?”

Lucy nods. “Yeah, it’s getting close to dinner time.” She doesn’t really want to go home, since no one is there, but staying with Alex alone in her home is a recipe for disaster.

“Y-you can stay?” Alex offers politely. “I was just going to make something to eat and I always have extra.”

Lucy just looks at Alex. Alex is always polite when they’re at her house, the ever so nice hostess. As much as she wants to say yes, she can see how nervous and skittish Alex is. There’s a look in her eyes that Lucy reads as ‘please say no.’ She focuses harder on packing up her things and lets the lame excuses out. “It’s alright, I really appreciate it. I should probably go home for dinner.”

“Is everything okay?” Alex suddenly asks.

Lucy tenses. “Yeah,” she lies easily. “Why wouldn’t everything be okay?”

“I just--you told me your dad was going to be out of town this week, so I thought--you usually like to stay here.”

Lucy feels her right eye twitch unconsciously when she’s being read. Alex knows her all too well; on days her father isn’t home, she usually works late at Alex’s place and Eliza or Kara suggests she just spends the night so she’s not alone. She’s gotten quite used to the comfort of the guest bedroom next to Alex’s room.

It makes it hard for her to say no, but she has to. She can’t keep intruding on Alex like this. “It’s alright,” she resolves. “I should go.” She practically throws the rest of her backpack.

“Lucy, what’s going on?” Alex asks, voice trembling.

Lucy looks up and notices Alex moving to stand beside her. Before she can even react, Alex grabs her hand to stop her from zipping her backpack. “Nothing. Nothing’s wrong. I just should go.”

“Wait, are you sure? Are-are you okay?” Alex’s eyes briefly search hers but they both avert their gazes. She looks at Alex’s hand on her because it feels like fire and she looks back up at her, gently pulling away. Alex visibly stiffens.

“Yeah, I’m fine,” Lucy says as she steps back to finish zipping her backpack. She can tell how increasingly uncomfortable Alex is. It’s like she’s trying hard to care about Lucy. “I don’t want to intrude.”

“Intrude?” Alex repeats in confusion. “How would you be intruding? You’re always here anyway.”

“Don’t sound so enthused by that,” Lucy unconsciously mumbles throwing her backpack over her shoulder.

Alex reels back. “I’m sorry what?”

Lucy shakes her head. “Nothing. It’s nothing. I’m gonna go.”

“Wait, Lucy, I’m serious. What’s going on with you? Are you mad at me?” There’s genuine confusion and concern written all over Alex’s face that makes Lucy feel guilty. Her feelings about this whole situation is her own fault. She’s just trying to remove herself from the situation before she does something stupid.

Lucy sighs. “No, I’m not mad at you.” She rubs her forehead. “I’m just tired that’s all.”

“Why are you lying to me?”

“I’m not lying.”

Alex crosses her arms. “You are,” Alex declares, knowing full well that Lucy hates when someone tells her how she feels. “You’re mad at me and you’re lying about it.”

“I’m not,” Lucy grits, clenching her backpack straps.

“You totally are,” Alex points out with a knowing smile. She’s doing it on purpose. She’s trying to make Lucy mad.

“I know what you’re doing,” Lucy throws back. “You’re trying to make me mad enough so that I can just blow up and tell you what’s wrong.”

Alex narrows her eyes. “Are you going to tell me what’s wrong?”

“No!”

“So there is something wrong!”

Lucy throws her hand up in frustration before turning to walk out of the dining room.

“Lucy!” Alex chases after her. “Come on. What is going on? Why are you being like this?”

“I’m not being anything.”

“It sure seems like you are. I thought we were friends.”

Lucy bites the urge to groan at friends. She holds her head up high and turns around to Alex. “We are,” she declares, sounding harsher than she intends to.

Alex notices this and pauses midstep with a shocked look on her face. It takes a moment for the look to change and Lucy can see the hurt in Alex’s face. After a breath, Alex quietly asks, “Then why won’t you talk to me?”

Lucy feels guilty because this is Alex letting her guard down. She can see it all over Alex’s face. She does care about Lucy and as much as it warms her heart to know that Alex cares, it feels so insignificant to what Lucy wants. In that moment, she wants Alex way too much.

There are plenty of things she wants to say to Alex. All of the feelings she’s been suppressing for the sake of their friendship threatens to spill out before them in that moment. It just feels unfair because Lucy knows that Alex doesn’t feel the same way.

“Something is clearly bothering you,” Alex points out again, carefully, with concern in her voice. “Is it something at home? Is it school? Is it actually me?” As she says it, Lucy can see the hurt in Alex’s face.

The first time she saw that was four months ago on the volleyball court. She’d been so focused on the game, she forgot that the girls on the squad were saying things to Alex, trying to put her in her place for the sake of Lucy. She’d told the girls time and time again to just lay off, especially when she’s around.

The set up for the spike was perfect and she hadn’t realized Alex would be there until she saw her tripping into view. Before Alex could right herself to make the save, the ball hit her right in the face. Everyone had laughed - stupid first instinct - but Lucy tried to rush over except Alex was too quick, rushing off before she could get to her.

The look on Alex’s face was something she couldn’t forget. It had morphed from shock to hurt in just seconds. That time it was because of Lucy.

This time it is because of Lucy.

She can’t stand seeing Alex look hurt because of how she feels. It’s not right.

“No, it’s not you,” Lucy says softly, biting the urge to touch Alex. “It’s me.”

Alex doesn’t stop staring at Lucy with a sullen look. “Why does this vaguely sound like the beginning of a break up?”

Lucy sighs at the ill timed joke. “Alex…,” Lucy gently cautions. They’d have to be dating for them to break up.

“Okay, okay,” Alex tries not to joke. She searches Lucy’s eyes. She bites her lip nervously. “Why--don’t you just s-stay?”

“It’s fine, really. I don’t mind going.” Lucy tries to steel herself. She doesn’t want to misinterpret Alex.

Alex reaches out to grasp Lucy’s wrist gently. “I know you don’t like being home alone, what if I want you to stay with me? Will that make you feel better?”

Lucy internally groans. “You can’t say things like that.”

“Like what?” Alex cluelessly asks. “Like I care?”

“Yes exactly that,” Lucy grumbles. She can’t take it anymore. It’s too much when Alex doesn’t realize how the little things matter to Lucy. She takes a deep breath and prepares herself. “God, I can’t do this anymore.”

“Luce…”

“No, just give me a second to say this.” Alex nods slowly and the look on her face makes Lucy feel worse. “It’s been great being your friend because I love hanging out with you and talking to you and getting to know you. You’re like my best friend. And I know that we said we’d be friends, but I don’t want to be just friends. I still like you, like really like you as more than a friend.” Alex’s eyes widen in shock. “And I know you probably don’t feel the same but I just--”

Her words are cut off as Alex’s hands cup her cheeks and their lips are pressed together. Her eyes widen as Alex kisses her soundly that she forgets to kiss back. But Alex’s eyes are closed, brows furrowed with concentration, as she kisses her. Just as Lucy thinks to kiss back, Alex pulls away.

Alex’s cheeks are pink and she bites her lips with uncertainty. “I’m sorry,” she says softly, not letting go of Lucy’s cheeks.

“I’m so confused right now,” Lucy says despite the smile on her lips. Alex kissed her! Her heart is pounding inside of her.

“I like you too,” Alex admits, biting the inside of her cheek. “I really like you as more than a friend. I just didn’t know how to tell you. I was scared that maybe you only saw me as a friend that’s why you were pulling away.”

“I wanted to give us some space so I wouldn’t do something like--”

“Accidentally kiss me?” This time Lucy blushes and Alex just smiles.

Lucy tilts her head up and Alex meets her halfway to kiss her again. She slowly wraps her arms around Alex’s shoulders. Alex’s hands come down to her waist, just underneath her backpack. It feels like a dream kissing Alex. It’s just like their first time, paced and unrushed, like they’ve been dying to do that forever. Lucy can imagine kissing Alex forever because she loves the way Alex quietly sighs into her and holds onto her; it makes her melt against Alex.

When they pull away to breathe, both of them try to catch their breath with a blush.

“Alex,” Lucy huskily starts, “do you wanna go steady with me?”

Alex suppresses a laugh. “Why do you always sound so proper?”

“It’s called having manners,” Lucy sasses playfully. Alex giggles as she pulls Lucy in. “So?”

Alex nods. “I’m so glad you asked because I would never have the guts to.”

Lucy laughs as they hug tightly. “I’m so happy right now.”

“Yeah. Me too,” Alex admits as she nuzzles the top of Lucy’s hair a bit. “You’re my girlfriend.” Lucy hugs Alex even tighter in affirmation.  

The door suddenly opens and Alex and Lucy unconsciously jump from each other because Kara comes in a flurry. She pauses at the doors, eyes wide open, shirt and jacket unkempt as she balances her backpack on her shoulder. Lucy’s eyes widen at the sight of Kara’s neck.

“Hey, guys! What’s up? Nothing’s up with me.” Kara lets out a goofy giggle. “I’m just getting back from Thea’s and I’m just going to put my stuff upstairs. Are we having dinner? I’m starving. I’ll be right back!”

Before Alex can even respond, Kara rushes up for the stairs behind them and disappears. She looks back at Lucy in complete confusion.

“What was that?” Alex asks. “Should I be worried?”

Lucy snickers. “She’s going to try to hide that hickey on her neck.”

“The what?!” Alex yells in shock as she takes off after Kara. “Kara! You have a hickey?!”

Lucy laughs to herself as she takes off her backpack. “Alex, wait!” She yells as she chases her girlfriend up the stairs.

[pyxel-spree]

ultimate back to school masterpost

it has come…the witching hour…the time of doom is now upon us…okay so obviously ignore me, i’m a huge nerd. but if you’re like me, going back to school is a terrible, nerve-wracking experience. so here are some tips to help you survive this.

1. Do. Your. Summer. Work. If you haven’t started on it now, turn off whatever device you’re reading this on and start working. Many teachers will test you on whatever summer work you were assigned, and occasionally it can count for a significant portion of your first semester grade. Seriously, don’t put it off until the last minute, because then you really won’t want to do it. Plus, then you’ll have more time to focus on binge-watching Netflix uninterrupted. 

2. Whether you’re moving to an entirely new school or just a new grade, things will change this year in some way. You have to be ready for it. And you-yes, you-can be one of those things. It’s never too late to reinvent yourself. Want to dye your hair? Try a new extracurricular? Break a bad habit? Learn a new language? Go for it. 

3. Push yourself, but not at the expense of your mental health. No test or project is worth breaking down over. That being said, procrastination is the enemy of progress. You won’t do it later-and if you do, you won’t do it as well as you could have. 

4. Make time for your friends and yourself. Don’t let school take over your life. Self care and having fun are important too. 

5. Wherever you are, whenever you are, people are going to judge you. It’s how we’re wired-we’re a judgmental species. There’s really no point in worrying about how other people perceive you because you can’t please everyone. You could be an actual saint canonized by the pope AND cure cancer AND negotiate an armistice between the forces of good and the rabid radioactive alien wolves sworn to destroy all humanity and still some people are going to call you “bitchy,” “fake,” “weird,” “trying too hard,” et cetera, et cetera. Be unabashedly you. 

6. You are smart. Really really smart. So what if you don’t have perfect grades or the best ACT score? If you’re trying your best-really, really your best-no one can fault you for it. 

7. People who are confident in the knowledge of their own intelligence don’t: 

play the “grade game” i.e. “whadja get??? i’m sure you did great…seriously whadja get tho?? c’mon show me, i won’t tell anyone.” (u know these kids) 

loudly complain about getting an A minus/B plus when they know other people didn’t do as well as them

say they “didn’t study” every time there’s a test

cheat

lecture people when they didn’t ask for it

brag about their grades/scholarships/other opportunities 

compare themselves to/compete with other students constantly

condescend to others

talk about how much “busier” they are than other students all the time

put others down whenever they talk about successes (”i’ve won loads of those; it’s not that hard to do.” “you do know everyone who applied for science olympiad got in, right?”) *the last one someone actually said to me-and it was a blatant lie so double wtf?? 

lie about accomplishments when asked (just say you don’t want to talk about it its? not? that? hard?)

make fun of people who don’t do as well as you

Bottom line: Be honest with yourself-do you do any of these things? If so, why? The truth is, if you view your academic life as this crazy competition, you’re not going to have any fun, you’re going to lose friends over it, and people aren’t going to see you as a role model to emulate, they’re going to think you’re well…an arrogant, self-centered tool. Everyone loves that you care about school, and everyone can see that you’re really smart and driven. You have nothing to prove, and everything to lose. If you want to do well for yourself, that’s great. But if it’s all about one-upping other people, it’s not worth it. Like in writing, show, don’t tell, how competitive of a student you are. 

8. Good friends don’t: 

put you down

exclude you

stifle you 

use you as an emotional dumping ground 

stop supporting you 

tell people your secrets

gaslight you 

manipulate you 

make you feel unsafe

abuse you in any capacity

threaten to rescind their friendship for small offenses

make jokes that you find offensive 

ignore you/give you the silent treatment without telling you what’s wrong

pressure you into doing things you don’t want to

only hang out with you when their “best friends” aren’t around

talk about themselves all the time but never ask you about yourself

mooch off you 

stop talking to you for no reason

refuse to stick up for you when people are being jerks

Bottom line-if you feel like you come in second, if you feel like you’re the one that has to do all the work in the friendship, you have to ask yourself why you’re trying so hard. Having healthy friendships is as important as having healthy romantic relationships. Of course, there are degrees to how toxic friendships can be. I’ve been in some fairly awful ones that I had to cut off completely, but I’ve managed to reconnect with other people who I didn’t have good friendships with (i’m always careful never to get too close to those people though.) If you’re being abused or manipulated by a friend, you need to CUT THAT PERSON OFF. You deserve friends who treat you with respect. If your friends don’t, you’re better off alone (at least until you’ve found some real friends.) 

9. No significant other or crush is more important than your grades, your extracurriculars, or your mental health. If your relationship is taking over your life, take a step back and ask, “Where do I see this going?” Don’t waste time with people who don’t treat you right or people who aren’t interested. When the right person comes along (and they will!), you won’t have to feel nervous or awkward around them. 

10. Study smarter, not harder. Use abbreviations in your notes and find shortcuts to difficult math problems. Of course, do all your homework. It’ll cost you big time in the long run. 

11. Buy some clothes that you actually want to wear, and get rid of the ones that you hate. It’ll make getting up in the morning that much better if you feel confident about how you look. Dress for yourself-you are not “slutty” or “trying too hard” for wanting to look good. 

12. Find your textbooks online so you don’t have to lug them back and forth every day. Don’t wait to buy your supplies-buy them now so you can get good deals and won’t end up scouring every office supply store for that particular brand of pencil. 

13. Participate. Seriously. I didn’t realize what a difference this made until I got to high school. Even if you feel like you’re going to get the question wrong, even if you feel like you’re not smart enough to add anything interesting to the class discussion, say something. Not only does it make the teacher notice you-which in a big class is super important-it’ll show that you’re paying attention and that you want to learn. If you participate, teachers will be more likely to remember you and you’ll feel more confident about yourself, as well as less tempted to doze off or talk to your friends. Do this in all your classes-even the ones you’re not as good at-and you will see better grades-guaranteed (especially if they grade on participation). 

14. Don’t be afraid to ask for help. You’re not stupid if you don’t understand something. If you can, ask someone to tutor you if you’re struggling. Ask the teacher for extra practice on what you struggle with. If no one is asking your question for you in class, you have to ask it yourself, otherwise you’re never going to learn. 

15. Hard test? Start studying 3-4 days in advance. One day review notes and material; the others do practice exercises or quiz yourself. If possible, study with friends-as long as they don’t distract you. Take 5-10 minute breaks in between sessions so you don’t burn out. 

16. Make a studying playlist and a motivational playlist. You’ll be amazed at how much better you feel about studying. Only do extracurriculars you actually enjoy-not ones you just do because you think it will look good on some application or the other. Don’t load up on these activities either or your grades will start to dip. 

17. Know the dates and times of any big standardized tests you’re taking (SAT, ACT, PSAT, AP tests, IB tests, IGSE, GCSE, SAT Subject Tests, etc.). Plan to start reviewing for these at least a month before the exam. (and a month before only if you know you’re really good at that kind of test-taking.)  

18. Edit your essays, once by yourself and once with a friend. Know the format your teacher wants so you don’t have to waste time googling “MLA in-text citation” every time you have an essay due. 

19. This may come as a surprise to you, but you are not the center of the universe. So before you go on long rants about how hard your life is, remember, you have no idea what the person you’re sitting next to might be going through. You are not the only person ever who’s had to juggle hard classes, extracurriculars, a job, and family problems at the same time. Other people are also struggling-what you’re going through is not more difficult or more meaningful than what anyone else is dealing with. This year, make a resolution to ask people questions about themselves, to listen to others, instead of making everything about you. You will be surprised at how much more people will trust you and how many more friends you will make. Also, guess what? Bad days happen to everyone-so stop taking out your frustrations on people that you care about. It’s petty, it’s stupid, it’s not fair, and it’s the quickest way to make your bad day a little worse. 

20. Regardless of whatever happens this year, you will graduate, you will get a job that makes you happy, and you will be a wonderful, intelligent, beautiful, successful human being. If you get nothing else out of this post, take this-don’t get yourself so taken in by that weird, hive-mind-toxic culture that school perpetuates that you lose the ability to deal with the people who are truly important to you. At the end of the day, you want to say that you came out of this school year a happier, wiser person than you entered it. 

[kalesalad1]

Anyone else get their psat scores today??? I did terrible :’))