#but now that im not depressed i just. dont have the urge to think about it anymore

[melto]

something just like snapped in the back of my head like i Need to go like curl up in my room for like 5 days and play video games and not speak to like anyone

[spring-bud]

(srry if this is a lil tmi but also my house my rules) this isnt meant to be a diss against the op or the ppl reblogging it- ive just seen that one post about not tracking your period like three times today and iiii shrimply cannot imagine that. like, if i didnt have clue reminding me like three days before it starts that theres a reason my brain feels like theres a bring me to life amv on repeat and it feels like a hornets nest getting swung at, a swathe of poor life choices would be getting made.

[lokh]

honestly the thing i hate most is that it really WAS rumination

[cali]

im a different anon but im just curious what advice you would give to someone whos been pillbugging it for um. over a year now

mmm i cant really answer how to stop having depression which im guessing is what u mean + i dont know how ur head works but ive been living mostly NEET-ly for more than 2 yrs now and everyday im getting a better curve at dealing with it so i can tell u what works for me.

half the time when im pillbugging hard im paralyzed by a nontangible fear and the only thing that could stop it is adressing wherever the fear is coming from but the confrontation of the topic, trying to figure out where its even coming from, is terrifying too so i dont do it and stay swimming in tar. theres a sentence people keep saying when they explain why they watch 2 hour video essays "it makes my head go quiet". thats the enemy, the thought, not the person saying it. long term i mean. when its short term anguish that can be bridged by pillbugging its fine i think but if ur "making ur head quiet" for more than a month i urge u to make it go really loud again but thats hard. the only times i can try and confront those thoughts is when i feel otherwise nice, if i got externally forced to have a fun day, hike with my papa, date day with my girlfriend, sometimes just got myself to make a nice meal and it helped, when u feel better its a little less scary and u can maybe try and think out of it a little better. also i think on those days youre generally more positively charged so u got more hope outlook. COOL. i think this is why some people do meditation. im not good at it so i dont really know but i think its a brave pasttime of tackling unpleasant ideas. i used to try and dope my way out of it with lsd cuz everytime i used it it kind of forced me to confront whatever trouble i had but ive forbad myself that cuz i didnt want to rely on it as crutch + it was just unpleasant to get hit over the head everytime. now i only do it when i feel good already (havent done it in half a year lol). sorry, drug tangent. also weed is synonymous with pillbugging 4 me.

otherwise, rituals.... mmmmm..... when therapists and whoevers say stuff like take daily walks daily exercise take daily shower i think all of those are like half about the direct benefits they give and half just about doing anything regularly. cuz it helps. during pillbug hours the point for me is kind of to have time pass as fast as possible so the timeframe to hurt is reduced which is counterproductive cuz if it flows u by rlly hard u cant really grasp onto anything to get off the ride easily. and its never going to come really easy theres no probable single action or event that is going to singlehandedly pull u out of the mire, no rapture, no healing vitamin, its always going to be slow and tedious and boring and stupid but a routine is a nice framework to start that. brushing ur teeth is nice. and when u do something daily the days start becoming more tangible again and u will be able to tell how many days ago tuesday was. maybe u can think abotu what factors motivate u and twist them to do your biddinggg. shame and dissapointment works really well for me if i tell someone i will have this done by then and i dont it usually overpowers the malaise or whatever other reason has been making me not do it prior. but this requires social bonds and i cant guarantee u have those. in summer i started doing therapy cuz in germany i need it for transgenderism and shes also a good beacon for that, if she says do something until next time we meet i dont want to dissapoint her. other than that, um idk, everyting else is just kind of part of that. take walks even if u dont want to think about things even if its scary. be brave like childrens book illustration of knight slaying dragon. and then maybe u get a princess kiss

[gravesung]

do you think you’d ever be interested in picking up other jjk muses? If so, who would call to you?

ooh!! you know, i've thought a lot about that recently, since i usually like to play around with a few different guys from a given media. but i've never really ... felt the pull from any of the characters (which, for a very long time, included geto. that's a whole other very silly story but i used to despise him genuinely)

i do feel like i could pull off a pretty good megumi tbh!! he's right in the Lane of "extremely tragic boy with crippling depression and a ton of raw power" that i love to play around with, but im gonna be honest with u.... i really dont wanna read the manga SHSIUDHSD 

WHICH IS LIKE. NOT TO SAY IT'S BAD. OBVIOUSLY i love this story (mostly) and have enjoyed it a lot, but there's something about the og art style (specifically the faces) that never really agreed with my eyes, which makes it harder for me to focus on what's goin on. and since none of the other longer-lasting characters have ever called to me in a major way, i just haven't felt the urge to push past that and read it. the anime owns my soul i fear

that will probably change eventually!! just for now yk v_v but yeah if it were anyone, it'd probs be megs!! :>

[borderline-culture-is]

Vent, TW Suicidal ideation, Self harm, ED mention....idk what else //

BPD culture is waNTING TO FUCKING KILL YOURSELF BECAUSE YOU'RE NEVER FUCKIN TAKEN SERIOUSLY

Even your own mother who deals with similar shit DOESN'T FUCKING BELIEVE ME AND THINKS IM A SPOILED FUCKING BRAT

WHAT DID I DO WRONG?? HM?? WHAT DID I DO WRONG??

now it's to the fucking point where my sister thinks it's fun and quirky to tell every fucking kid she meets "oh I love being sad and depressed!!" AND I FUCKING HATE IT. SHE KNOWS BETTER. SHE FUCKING KNOWS BETTER.

I've explained it to her, my mother has explained it to her, SHE'S SEEN MY MOM GET SO SUICIDAL AND FUCKIN LOSE HERSELF BECAUSE OF IT. BUT YEAH, NO, ITS FUN TO BE DEPRESSED. ITS NOT LIKE IT MAKES EVERYONES LIFE A LIVING FUCKING HELL!!!

I dont

I don't fucking care if she's 8. I don't fucking care. I KNEW BETTER AT 8. I FUCKING KNEW BETTER. I KNEW BETTER THAN TO TELL PEOPLE TO KILL THEMSELVES TOO.

And now because my mom is SO keen on forcing us to be those stupid fucking ultra close siblings, my mom gave her MY favourite artist to listen to. THEY'RE MY FAVE ARTIST. I DON'T CARE IF ANYONE ELSE LISTENS TO THEM BUT THIS KID???? IT MAKES ME WANT TO FUCKING KILL MYSELF.

They saved my life, they speak out about mental health, I'VE SPOKEN TO THEM AND THEY'RE SOME OF THE SWEETEST PEOPLE EVER. SHES FUCKING RUINING THE ONE THING I HAD, AND MY MOM KEEPS GIVING HER MORE OF MY MUSIC AND NOW MORE OF IT IS GETTING RUINED!!!!! I WANT TO CLAW MY FUCKING TATTOO OFF NOW BECAUSE OF THIS SHIT

I do not

Fucking lay in bed crying and having panic attacks, HAVING NIGHTMARES DAY AFTER FUCKING DAY BECAUSE EVERYTHING IS TOO MUCH AND IS ALWAYS MADE OUT TO BE MADE INTO A FUCKING JOKE.

I HATE THIS FUCKING KID. I HATE THIS FUCKING FAMILY SO MUCH. SHE KEEPS FUCKING SINGING CITIZEN SOLDIER SONGS AND BRAGGING ABOUT BEING DEPRESSED BUT HAS DONE EVERYTHING SHE FUCKING CAN TO RUIN MY LIFE

"oh, but she's just a kid-" SHE ADMITS IT. SHE ADMITS IT ALL THE TIME TO ME. SHE'S TOLD ME TO KILL MYSELF AND CONFIRMED THAT SHE KNEW WHAT IT MEANT. SHE TELLS ME SHE HATES ME. SHE TELLS ME SHE LIES TO GET ME YELLED AT BECAUSE IT MAKES ME CRY. SHE'LL SIT HERE AND WATCH ME FUCKING BREAK DOWN AND FUCKING INSTIGATE SHIT. WHEN I FINALLY CRACKED AND TOLD MY MOM I WAS SUICIDAL, SHE FUCKING CHIMED IN TO START BULLYING ME TO THE POINT MY MOM HAD TO SHUT HER DOWN!!!!

one day

I'm gonna fucking leave.

I'm gonna fucking leave this house and go lay in the middle of the fucking road in the dead of night so that I can get fucking ran over and die

I cant

Keep living like this

I fucking can't, I keep fucking trying but I fucking can't. Why do I do everything possible to take care of everyone, to the point that on MY birthday, on the ONE DAY A YEAR THATS FOR ME, I HAD TO TALK MY MOM OUT OF SUICIDE. I WAS THE ONE BEING YELLED AT. I HAD TO GET A GROWN ASS WOMAN TO STOP ASKING ME FOR A KNIFE SO SHE COULD KILL HERSELF IN FRONT OF ME. I WAS THE ONE THAT MY SISTER GLARED AT WITH HATRED WHEN I TRIED TO DEAL WITH THE SITUATION. I WAS THE ONE MY DAD YELLED AT BECAUSE HE WAS MAD AT MY MOM FOR LEAVING. BUT NO. I'M THE FUCK UP.

God I think I gave myself a concussion, it hurts. It hurts so bad and I need to throw up. And what's worse? This fucking kid watched me beat my head in and I heard her just...make such a disgusted noise and go back to telling her friends on fortnite that she's so depressed and bragging about it and saying it's SO fun...

My bulimia has already come back, and y'know what. Fuck it. I'm done. I'm fucking done trying to hide everything so that THEY'RE happy. So that THEY don't get their panties in a twist over me fucking struggling. If I get the urge to purge, I'll fucking purge. If I get the urge to fucking cut my thighs open, then so fucking be it. I'm done. I'm fucking done. "You need to put yourself first!" I FUCKING TRIED. YOU GOT MAD AT ME. YOU YELLED AT ME. YOU YELLED AT AND BERATED ME, SO WHY SHOULD I CARE??? HUH?? TELL ME??

I'm tired. I don't. Have people to talk to. No one to fucking help me, and I can't blame them. My best friend has bigger things to worry about other than me being a fucking baby. I abandoned the few other people I still talked to because I couldn't handle it anymore. The one server that I was finally feeling safe enough to talk in might be shut down soon because it's stressing the band out from issues that keep happening. I'm fucking. Alone. And I'm tired.

I have until October. After that, Idk. We'll see. But October is so....so far away. It's gonna be hard. Idk if I can do it but I'll try I guess.

- 🪡🎶

.

[hetalia-club]

Giving you this bc ur like, the only hetalia blog i still follow that still posts. But like.

Okay back in 2018-2019(?) i had a pretty big hetalia phase, i watched hetafacts videos n every episode that was on YouTube, i listened to the music on repeat. It was a major hyperfixation before i knew that i was autistic.

For the longest time after i stopped, engaging with hetalia for some reason i would. Cringe really hard whenever i saw anything hetalia related. Like. On ao3 when you go to search things it tells you how to search things and one i got (and keep getting) is like "hetalia tag:f/f" or something idk how proper ao3 searches work. Id like screenshot it and go to my friends n say "it haunts me" or some shit.

But like recently ive been. Embracing that part of my past? I guess? Like. Almost like coming to terms with it? Idk i started having a less bad reaction n like, realized it probably one of the more normal fandoms i was in. I was, cringe, as all kids are, but i was. Happy.

And then like. At a sleepover a few weeks ago, one thing leads to another and im telling my friend abt the songs and how ich leibe is. Just a recipe, and how i used to listen to almost all of the songs. I show them the clip of France trying to get England to sign a marriage contract, America ordering fucking condoms from Russia.

It has been at least 2 weeks since, and i can feel the hyperfixation coming back, half the music ive been listening too again is hetalia character songs (theyre so fucking good???) and ive been getting. Urges to watch the show and. I dont know how to feel or what to do?? Like. I'm afraid almost to get back into hetalia? Like i watched black butler a while ago, and i realized how. Theres some weird fucking tension between ceil n sebastian n i think im afraid im going to have that same reaction to hetalia?

Cause like there is shit i just completely forgot about. Like. The Bad Touch Trio. And im scared man.

Im sorry to fuckin, give you all of this, but i just. I dont know what to do ig. None of my friends like or used to like hetalia, the one i do info dump hetalia stuff too does not like hetalia and is learning shit about it against their will.

Idk, should i watch the show again? Is it, good? I genuinely can't remember anymore.

Sorry for using ur ask box like a confessional

I mean I’m right there with you man. The sole reason I am still in the Hetalia fandom is because hetalia got me through some real dark chapters and events in my life. I discovered Hetalia years ago in Highschool while with a very abusive ex who had to know everything I was doing at any given time. He wouldn’t let me go anywhere without him there. I tried to break up with him but he actually wouldn’t let me. He would threaten to off himself if I did so I felt bad because his mom was an alcoholic and his houses burned down. I stopped really going anywhere at all because if I did he would come with me and he ruined my relationships with most of my friends just by being ‘the worst’. I stopped cheerleading, I got depression really bad, I started to do terrible in all my classes but I discovered Hetalia while on deviant art and was instantly intrigued. It was like “idk what this is but I will now make it my personality”

Years later while with my most recent abusive Ex that I just broke up with last November I got back into Hetalia when our relationship started to get really bad and hard to cope wit on my own. I needed an escape and something to help me avoid him and no care so much about his insults something that I could think about instead of being sad all the time. Hetalia is something that just brings me joy. Instead of venting to people, getting therapy or increasing my meds Hetalia was just always there to go back to and escape. No idea what it is about it. Won’t go into details about the relationship, it’s irrelevant right now but I’m sure you can guess.

To answer your question, no Hetalia isn’t ‘good’ it makes zero sense and is confusing as hell. But for me it’s fun to use as a spring board for basically any kind of AU I could think up. The characters can fit into any type of situation you want to shove them in.

I would say give it a rewatch, as much as you want anyway. What is the worst that could happen? You continue an interest that brought you joy? Worst case. You are a bit cringe? Who cares if you are cringe if you are happy? Also not encouraging you to live a double life but if you are embarrassed to like Hetalia you don’t actually have to tell anyone how obsessed with it you are. No one but my ex knows how much I like Hetalia and he really has no idea just how deep I am in this shit. But if people knowing about one of your interests humiliates you then just don’t share it. At the end of the day it’s your comfort and it makes you happy it’s no one’s business.

There are a lot of old fandom tropes that have disappears the BTT being one of them. They put them as a group still but I guess they call it ‘bad friends ti’ now. There are still some things that make me side eye. But that’s every fandom I feel. You can choose who you wish to associate with and who you want to block or avoid. It’s your blog you don’t own an explanation to anyone.

Personally I don’t interact much with the people of the fandom itself I got a few people it talk to every now and again but really i just do my own thing. I write my own fics for myself. I got my little tumblr, discord and TikTok, I post about my little AUs and dumb thoughts and continue on. If people want to follow me that’s great, welcome. If they don’t that’s cool to!

Thanks for sticking around with me even after your Interest in Hetalia fizzled out tho haha! That had to be difficult I am very annoying at times I’m sure 😭.

Again worst thing that could happen than if you are a bit cringe. But not being cringe is boring as hell. Irl I’m one of the most normal bitches you could find. Carbon copy white girl. Absolutely no one would guess I were a Hetalia obsessed loser irl. In a line up you could not pick me out and guess my interests. So in February I got my hair done right? I got like. 500 dollar biolage it fades from brown to strawberry blonde. Want to know the reason I got this hair style? Because of Italy that’s why. I wanted red hair like him. Did I tell anyone that? No. When people said they liked my hair and asked me why I went red I would just go “idk just felt like it” but I would be thinking about him knowing the real answer.

Good luck anon, if you stick around welcome back the water is fine. If you don’t can you toss me that life vest up there if you don’t mind? Thank you!

[mistyswifey]

Harmful Memories

{• y/n & Gwen • }

(TW: Sh, depression, etc)

Y/n was, well not the brightest kind of kid. They would always do weird stuff, they were always seen as the ‘weird kid.’ Y/n didn’t care, or thats what everyone thought. but when they’d get home from anywhere, they would feel overwhelmed and have the urge to cry. Y/n had been bullied their whole life. Y/n’s big sister, Gwen, had no idea what Y/n had been going through their whole life. Gwen didn’t notice the changes in Y/n’s mood, style, etc. Before Y/n had been so talkative and they would always spend time with Gwen, now they barely talk to Gwen. Gwen didn’t think anything of it, she just thought ‘Oh but isn’t this how all teenagers act?’ not until she found a razor in your/n’s drawer.

you heard a knock on the door.

“Come in.” 

you said, scrolling through the old pictures on your phone. You’d do that often, you’d scroll through the pictures with your best friend, old best friend. She had passed away a couple years back. which also resulted in your mood changes and depression.

“Y/n..”

Gwen walked into your room with a sad look on her face. You didn’t think anything of it, until you saw the razor on her hand.

“Gwen where the hell did you..? how the hell.? i thought i- you know what, never mind.”

you said. your voice was hesitant and your hands started to get sweaty.

“Show me..”

Gwen said, calmly. You shook your head.

“Show me.” 

She said getting frustrated slowly. You shook your head but she sat next to you on the bed. She started to look at your arms, trying to see any signs of self harm, but your arms were clean. 

“Show. Me.” 

she said again. you rolled up your sweat pants. You looked at your sister who now had tears in her eyes. She hugged you. Your scars were fresh, still red. you had some faded ones too, but very few. 

“Y/n please dont do this to yourself..”

Gwen said sobbing. she held you tightly. You remained silent, but you hugged her back.

“Please if you ever need anything, just talk to me..”

Gwen said as she finally let go of you. you thought for a second, before coming to the conclusion you should just tell her everything.

“Gwen i.. im sorry ok, you have absolutely no idea how hard it’s been. i don’t understand it? why don’t people like me? did i do something wrong? the only person who didn’t hate me fucking died? did i deserve this?”

Gwen hugged you tighter.

“Y/n dear.. im your big sister, you still have me.. i love you, i could never hate you. i don’t know what i’d do without you, please you need to stay strong..”

she said rubbing your back softly. her voice was comforting, you had never thought she could be so comforting and sweet.

“Thanks Gwen.. I’ll try..”

you said.

“if you ever have the urge to self harm, please talk to me, ok dear?”

she said as she let go of you again. she threw the razor out of the open window in your room. you were about to yell at her but you knew it was for the best. she left the room smiling at you before closing the door. you felt happier than before. now you knew your sister actually liked you, you had another reason to keep on going. you didn’t want to give up, you wanted to be clean.

{ • AN: Im so sorry this is so short! hope you liked it! i wanted to try something a bit sadder, as i’ve been feeling down myself lately. i kind of just put all my thoughts into this one. :) • }

[streetkid-named-desire]

Rat, it’s a blessing that you were removed from the server because you’re STILL stirring drama proving exactly why you got booted. We made the right decision, you are a black hole void of drama and it never stops with you.

You sure are tough when you’re saying horrible things about everyone else and talking shit then you run and cry to tumblr with your “waa waa why everyone so mean to me =(“ at any minor criticism or when someone tells you to stop making them uncomfortable. Get a mirror and look at it real good because you are awful.

how am i the one still stirring up drama when i stopped posting about it on like tuesday outside of some personal reflections about social skills and being autistic lol

yesterday someone replied to a post, two days after i stopped talking about it, that i deleted and blocked the individual. today, three days later after my last post, i get this anon.

all i did was defend myself from a public accusation that i was purposefully spreading misinformation. then i get banned and blocked for something i had no idea i was doing outside of the p**ky shit because no one told me it was upsetting. and so because i couldnt defend directly and talk through whatever the fuck was going on and settle shit amicably and like mature adults i posted my reply

the only drama i take responsibility for actually starting is the shit with the flat chest lol anything else has just been me using my personal blog as a personal blog where i talk about my thoughts and feelings around the game and writing and modding and people more popular than me in modding

i really do not understand this obsession with me. is it because i refuse to back down? refuse to conform? refuse to make myself palatable? like sorry im abrasive? sorry im uncompromising? sorry i stand up to bullies and am open about my distaste in the social fabric of the modding community?

i dont think you people understand how tumblr works and how personal blogs work and what it means to vent on tumblr? maybe you should get your own outlet to also scream into the void like me so you can be normal and courteous and nice in your direct one on one interactions. you know, compartmentalize your shit and just treat each other like coworkers you dont like.

anyway, stop looking at my blog and finding things to pick at lol it doesn't matter. none of this fucking matters y'know? it's a fun hobby. just let it be a fun hobby.

something that is very painful but very good to cultivate is resisting the urge to have the last word, like you're trying to do now. it's especially hard if you're prone to rejection sensitive dysphoria but here are some cognitive behavioral skills that can help too (CBT gets a bad rap for like trauma therapy especially but it is useful when your thoughts actually aren't helpful and are irrational)

Perspective: Remind yourself it really, truly doesn't matter and is an actual waste of your time and energy. You deserve to feel good and arguing and cyberbullying and shit just makes you feel bad. I should know, I was a cyberbully in my early 20s exactly because I was so so deeply depressed. But, whatever conflict you got going on is just a blip on the radar as my mom would say.

Do you have all the facts? If you're sitting there and stressing and making assumptions about how someone feels or what they think, remind yourself that you can't read minds. There's no point in stressing if you don't have all the facts.

It's okay for people to be wrong about you: Not everyone has to like you or approve of you. It's normal to want that from your peers, but you have to learn to be comfortable with that not being the case. Again, perspective. Unless it's someone you genuinely care about and want to maintain a relationship with, it doesn't matter!

Let the emotions wash over you like a wave: This one is the absolute hardest, especially if you're autistic, because it's such a physically rotten feeling. But it will help. Put the phone away, lay down, and just cry. Don't be afraid of your feelings. Imagine you're in the sand at a beach, close to the tide, and just let the feelings wash over you and your body like a warm, soothing wave. They'll go away, you just gotta feel through them first.

idk it just sucks to see this because i've been where you are and it truly does just make you and your life so much worse. it will make you happier to just let shit go. to just move on. to accept that people are allowed to and may not like you and that's fine. they don't matter. i don't matter to you. i'm not doing anything but sitting here writing my little stories, taking my little pics, making my little mods, and just having fun. and occasionally venting!

move on with your life. i mean nothing to you anymore. i have no nefarious plans or deeds against you. that's why i blocked you on everything. because i don't care anymore.

and yet here we are with an anon message three days after i posted my last reflection about being autistic in fandom.

[mono-red-menace]

i spent quite a while online trying to prove i was a good tranny. like trying to prove that i was worthy of existence out of a fear that i would be targeted. yk? i've been a person with intrusive thoughts for a long time and i would often see my thoughts as my "true colours" even though i didn't want them. anything over than fighting them full-on was an admission of my true horrid nature.

this was exacerbated by my attempts to get therapy yk. like coming out as trans and being told to my face, through gritted teeth, that it's "fine" if i'm trans. i'm "not going to hurt someone. yet. especially not children." from someone who was supposed to help me. to make me feel better. to make me less scared. outright telling me that i'm a paedophile literally just for being trans. a teenager.

or any attempt to get help with my intrusive thoughts, "i'm thinking these awful things and i don't want them. they scare me and they won't stop," to therapists, and met with obvious disgust and contempt. like because i'm thinking these things, because they jump into my brain, even though they scare me, depress me, make me want to tear my skin off, they're an example of the "real me." it's nothing wrong with my brain, obviously, to them. it's a perversion. i'm not someone who is deeply hurt and scared. i'm disgusting to them.

the thoughts were like. made worse by it too. yk. asking for like. help. like "surely these thoughts don't make me wrong, right? surely it's just a brain thing, surely i'm good, i'm not bad?" and it being met with "you're a disgusting person. you're a pervert. you're going to hurt children. you're violent and deranged." really doesn't make the thoughts better. you know.

they got worse.

much more violent, much more sexual, much more often. constant thoughts of how i could ruin people in so many ways. and i'm the only one experiencing them. no one even knows what im thinking. and i'm so distressed. they're proof that i'm secretly a horrible person. i have to prove that i'm not. i can't let the thoughts win. i don't want them to win.

so like i wanted to like. really prove that it was wrong and that i wasn't bad and that i was a good tranny and i'm a normal person and i don't constantly get bombarded with horrible, disgusting thoughts. i wanted to prove that i was good. even though I believed my thoughts were proof of how horrible and wrong i was. how much i deserved to be locked up. so i also felt a guilt about it. you know. like not only am i horrid and deranged, but i'm also pretending i'm not. and for what? why would i? i obviously had some ulterior motive if i was doing it. i didn't even know what it was. but i could guess. there were so many reasons why i could be pretending to be good.

anyway. the intrusive thoughts have been getting better now that i'm in a caring environment. and a bit less now that i'm not around people as much. i still get the intrusions of killing this person/animal, of sexually assaulting this person/animal. but they're a lot less common. and now I know that an intrusive thought isn't something that proves i'm wrong. or bad. it's something that proves i'm hurt.

i don't want to do that stuff. i'm scared of doing that stuff. it terrifies me, and i obsess over it because it terrifies me. you know? so in my getting better with dealing with it and getting better with accepting that it's not what i want, I've been getting better at not feeling the overwhelming urge to prove that i'm actually good. you know?

idk i just. dont talk about this because it makes me feel like people will think im a bad person. i dont want people to think i'm. a bad person. i want to prove that i'm good. i want to prove that the thoughts aren't me.

talk about intrusive thoughts online, actual talk about actual intrusive thoughts, has been really helpful to me. i've been internalising the ideas in them. countering what was thrown at me with the new knowledge of what intrusive thoughts are. and in accepting the thoughts are evidence of pain, not inherent badness, they've lessened.

anyways. it's funny how often the help i need to get over deep-seated issues in my brain comes from a source outside of therapy. and many of the things that Made Me Worse came Directly From Therapists. guess that's what it's like being a trans woman growing up im a conservative state. lmao.

[kuhreem]

i took this photo at a pro palestine demonstration a few weeks ago and have been thinking about it since

i took this photo at a pro palestine demonstration a few weeks ago i have been thinking about it since. i dont really understand why the white christian protestor joining in prayer with all of the muslim protestors effected me so much, but it did. its so easy to fall into a hole of grief and depression, and a lot of times it feels like its almost easier to just keep it to yourself and keep it pushing. im not gonna lie im fucked up after these past few weeks, all of the death and pain ive been seeing will never leave my mind. i cry at least once a day, i feel physically sick, every single day, and im constantly feeling like im not doing enough — and its tough to voice that feeling, even now i feel weird sharing about how weird the genocide in gaza has been making me feel because i have the luxury of doing so from my apartment in boston, so far removed from any of the very real danger palestinians in gaza (and the west bank) are living in right now. showing up at protests, donating, boycotting, and lending my voice, my (small) platform, and privilege to those who dont have the same resources feels like the least i can do, but it also feels like the most which is so frustrating. i wish i could force people to listen to reason but unfortunately thats not how the world works, and when your dms and timelines are being flooded with extremely hateful and dangerous rhetoric its easy to forget how many people are standing with you and standing for palestine. seeing this protestor that looked nothing like me reminded me of that, and made me feel less like all of my efforts were just screams into an echo chamber filled with people who could be my cousins. it proved to me that we have been making an impact, and that was enough to make me feel really good.

for any non/arab readers: i think its especially important when you all speak up and show up to protests and demonstrations because it proves to world leaders that this is a global issue, and that the entire world is watching. not to say that you should speak on things you arent educated about (you shouldnt), but for those of you that have been considering getting more involved but are nervous or unsure of what your impact might be, know that it is very large. 

to any white readers specifically, i want to point out and make sure you all understand just how powerful your voices are in particular. i dont mean to be that guy that always talks about white privilege but you are seen as a voice of reason in this country (the us), and around the world. your opponents arent as quick to label you as a terrorist, or whatever other racist shit they can come up with, so i urge (beg) you to take advantage of that!!  

[ventsigidfk]

im not gonna be one of those people who shove christianity dont your throat but a month ago i was in a really bad spot for 3 months, everyday i was hurting my self, i was writing letter for everyone, i was planning my attempt and what felt like everything in my life was failing. a few nights in a row i prayed to God saying how badly i want to kill myself and that i cant take it anymore, i said i didnt want to cut myself anymore it was too much on my mental health but i couldnt stop it, and i didnt know why. i asked him for help i cryed to him for ages just rambling on about random stuff that i dont want in my life anymore because it was making me want to kms more than i already do. one of these nights i also did a delieverance prayer for lust, and many other demons that can attatch to you. for 1 month now i am clean from masturbation and cutting myself, i never thought this would happen and i couldnt see life where i didnt have a razor in my pocket. i couldnt go a week without doing something lustful. i threw my suicide letters away and i started to serve God more than i have been. Ive been a little happier but there is definitely still depression and thoughts of masterbating, i have definitely still almost turned to self harm but instead i prayed and rebuked that feeling and i am given the strength to fight the urges everytime. i have started writing suicide notes again but i stopped halfway through thinking wtf am i doing. ive almost gone and offed myself because i felt the entire world was against me but God stopped and saved me. I am no where near healed and i will never be sinless and there will definitely be relapses in the future but that is apart of healing and growing. this is something i thought never would happen in my life and i havent been properly clean for over a month in a year. i was and still am in a hole that i never thought i could have a hand to help me out and that no one would save me, but now i have a hand that is slowly lifting me up. i had no hope and no care for anything anymore. my struggles are real and the fact that a few prayers helped me is actually insane and i cant put it down to anything but a miracle. i just wanted to share this incase anyone in a similar situation was going through the same thing, i love you guys and i will still be posting on here, vents and what not.

stay alive |-/

[snowspirits]

warning for discussion of sh!!

yesterday i was an idiot and accidentally cut myself deeper than i meant to, and panickedly asked my roommates to drive me to the er (which they were amazing and kind about and never asked me what actually happened)

the hospital ppl were nice and just bandaged it shut with steri strips

however now i have to go and tell my case managers that this happened and idfk

sh makes me feel so guilty and i hate talking about it, it's my own fault, i make the choice to hurt myself and it's just stupid

like i feel like i don't deserve help because i should just stop fucking doing it

but it's so much more difficult than that

i told them that i'd be okay at school and i told them i can recognize the symptoms of worsening depression and blah blah blah

im not even that depressed though, i went on a long walk yesterday, came home, and just.. did it

it's like i wasn't even thinking

when i went into the hospital the doctor asked me why i did that to myself and i was like IDFK DUDE

if i knew, it probably would be easier to stop

and now i have to walk around campus with a giant bandage over my arm and hide it from my family when i go back home tomorrow

i feel like i failed everyone that believed in me

but i told them i'd be fine because i really thought it was true, i cant predict my future actions perfectly

i tried so hard not to but the urges were too much

this has happened every year i've gone back to school and i don't fucking understand why

i feel so bad like i lied to the doctors and like i failed

and everyone asks me what happened to my arm and i just say i accidentally cut it or something

i wish i could stop but at the same time i dont want to stop and i fucking hate this so much

[anti-katsuki-lounge]

I'm not sure if this will be a controversial take or not but...ok here we go.

I do think MHA is too superficial. It has ideas of themes but it never develops. It's like you buy a present but you never opened the box.

That being said...thinking about how people try to justify Aizawa's bad teaching and well, everything with "he is traumatized" is...not adding up to the story.

Let me explain.

When Izu is doing that pointless test and Aizawa is being a terrible teacher, well, in no moment we have a flashback of him about Oboro or any casuality...

When Aizawa is protecting BK and indirectly blaming Izu...we never saw any flashback of his past to justify this.

Nor we seen him mourn to Oboro or cry for him.

(Yes. Vigilantes made Kuroboro be a thing but I saod once and will say again, MHA and vigilantes are 2 different entities. Think this way, imagine you are reading a book and the main's character past is never disclosed, then a new book comes out explaining his past but there no link to the "main" story. This is Vigilante and MHA)

What Am I trying to say? There's no excuse for Aizawa being an ass. He is one bc he wants to be.

Oboro's death (or birth of Kuro) is just an excuse to be used to pity Aizawa.

"Ah poor Aizawa. His friend is dead" which...is pretty shitty. Mic and Midnight are right there and Aizawa ignores them...and at the same time NEVER THINKS about Oboro until is convenient to the plot.

And what is wild here is how I would prefer Aizawa being an asshole more than "ah poor thing. He is traumatized"(for the record. I do know people react to trauma differently look at Izu and Shoto, but nothing will convince me Aizawa is traumatized by Oboro's death)

Another wild thing is...if he was truly traumatized...if Oboro's death was smth HE believe could have preventable if he had done X or Y ...then he should have translate this to his teaching.

(Writing trauma, from what I get is to change a character's view on smth. For example: Bruce saw his parents die and this traumatized him to the point he became Batman. We dont have that for Aizawa, he started as an asshole and continues as such)

Also why he is a teacher? He seems to hate the job and the students(canonical choke students) why is he in UA?

My overral point is how...when I criticize Aizawa I never take into account this "trauma" bc for me...is not real.

(I can see him being traumatized now thanks to those war arcs but not before)

So I’m not going to speak much on whether Shota is traumatized or not.

However, when it comes to Shota and his trauma I have what I think is a well written piece on my other blog about why MHA fails at writing him regarding his trauma. I really urge you all to read it

https://www.tumblr.com/mha-grievances/709961576927641600/bruh-please-get-into-why-you-dont-like-shota-im

[kotoneshiomiofficial]

it sucks that i am committed to writing kotone as close to her canon characterization as possible, something that is tricky but doable for the others, because she really does not have many consistent characterization moments. they're either player determinant or from pq2, which have their unique issues

if you go by just p3p, assuming all social links were maxed and only aigis was romanced (the others are player determinant and ultimately, you end up with aigis anyway so im assuming platonic relations all around), you have to go by social link dialogue options and very little else. luckily, s. links have objectively correct answers and thus contain things that canonically kotone would and would not say. this at least gives us a little bit; she's kind, a good listener, and willing to show her fierce side if the needs arises (see saori's social link). but everything else?

now what we have left are the choices during s. links or story events that have NO consequences. this is where things go off the rails: depending on what you choose, you can end up with wildly different versions of the same character. for example, at multiple points, you have the choice between attempting to use violent force to solve a problem or trying to get others to help/resolve it peacefully. we see this is yukari's social link where kotone can try to straight up fight three dudes harrassing yukari, and in saori's where she can try to punch a girl who slapped saori over something that wasnt her fault.

depending on what the player chooses, we get two very different results: either someone who can and does fight well, but chooses to talk out her problems, or someone who seems almost eager to start a fight. its important to note that no one else in this entire cast except maybe akihiko displays this much willingness to throw hands. and again the problem with determinant choices: what do the choices you didn't select mean? was it something kotone was thinking about but didn't do or an abstract method of building your own protagonist? we don't know.

i mentioned pq2 earlier, and my main issue with it is despite kotone being a fully written character, we dont get any more information you couldn't get from p3p or just by looking at her. yes, she's pretty and social and bubbly and fun but she's a little sad too! and now shes back to being fun. yes, you can put together that she's pushing her own emotions down to not burden the group (as it her role in p3p to help others shoulder their burdens) but we really don't see any of it past that one scene. meanwhile in p3p, especially with ryoji near the end of the game, she can say some fairly haunting stuff. like when she's asked what lovers talk about, all she can think of a depressing or (and this is the really worrying one) pointless things. what does that mean? what is kotone's definition of a pointless thing to talk about? it could well be she deems her own emotions as "pointless" because beyond these perhaps unintentionally revealing lines, she never ever talks about how she feels. like ever.

this makes it really important to me to have a very strong interpretation of kotone in order to accurately write her (i dont mean to insult anyone, but i am not a fan of works where her personality is not pulled from the text. i once read a fic where for no reason whatsoever she was portrayed as very immature and described as "childish" and it really did not make any sense to me). so here's my take:

i think kotone is a girl who has a very carefully crafted persona of cheerful indifference; not so much "i don't care", more so "i don't mind". she's clearly okay talking with people, but has no motivation to become close until she connects with SEES (whether because of the wild card ability urging her to do so, or if you're like me and writing an alternate timeline, a golden opportunity to make friends for once.) she is genuinely kind, friendly, and a good listener, that is not a mask; rather its the non-existence of negative emotion she seems to display, using her inherent selflessness to keep everyone at arms length, to make sure things are "about her" as little as possible. she shoulders the burdens of others to avoid talking about or dealing with what burdens her.

however, that negative emotion still absolutely exists: we know she was bounced from one foster home to another, signifying neglect or worse from the parents and/or because kotone was (or perceived as) doing something wrong. this rough childhood shows us the cracks in the mask, as she can be standoffish, depressed, angry, or outright violent towards those who wrong her or the ones she loves. she doesn't want to talk to and gives a nosy girl who just wants akihiko's secrets so she can date him attitude, she's more than happy to tell maiko's parents exactly what she thinks of them, makes at least one actively suicidal comment ("i wish i was dead..." when talking to junpei and yukari), and even attempts to kill takaya after defeating him in battle. the only reason she doesn't is because aigis asks her not to.

in short, her cheerful and energetic exterior is just armor to cover up her severe depression, anger issues, and an unwillingness to open up to others (whether because she doesn't want to be vulnerable, because she doesn't trust others with how she feels, or both).

anyway. this was just a very long-winded ramble. feel free to toss in what you think in the tags, comments, whatever. i honestly love talking about characters like this and am happy to discuss

[kylejsugarman]

what do you see jesse doing for his mental health in alaska, if anything? does he attend therapy? support groups? take meds? if he attends therapy or support groups, how does he navigate the not-super-legal/i-am-a-wanted-criminal aspect of his trauma? would it feel helpful and valuable, even without support specifically catered to those aspects? or does he just avoid it altogether?

honestly i think he'd avoid any kind of mental health care initially. physical medical care would be absolutely necessary, but i dont see jesse seeking mental health support, at least for a while. we've seen that when things are bad, jesse just kind of shuts down and indirectly self harms (s4 jesse was like "alright bye guys im gonna head home and kill myself") and i think he'd continue along that route for a while, especially when he first gets there and has like. nothing to distract him from thinking about Everything and how he may have escaped but that means he has to keep living now and he doesnt know how to do it anymore. he probably slept a Lot, just trying to sleep away the rest of his life until he was able to get out and reintegrate somewhat into society. once he was Alive again, i think he'd seek help for his addiction first since he now has access to drugs again and a strong urge to distract himself and forget everything. we saw that even though his intents were initially kind of shitty, jesse did seem to emotionally benefit in some way from attending those addict support group meetings and i believe that the gently supportive, but not super invasive environment of narcotics anonymous meetings would be helpful, at least with helping him start opening up. the combo of being around people who've had somewhat similar experiences and getting care for his physical health would probably encourage him to figure out if medication would be helpful for his psychological symptoms and it is!! i think i mentioned this in another alaska ask, but sertraline would be a good option for its ability to elevate mood and ease symptoms of depression, anxiety, and ptsd. this may have to be used with a secondary mood stabilizer and maybe some kind of mild sedative for sleep based.

as for like individual therapy, im still on the fence about whether jesse would seek it out because so much of his trauma does tie back into his past and his criminal history. maybe its just because i really discuss the details of stuff in therapy, but it might not be effective and instead make him feel more alone and misunderstood since he can't completely express himself. maybe it would be beneficial for him further down the road when he's more ready to pick apart his thought patterns and experiences after honing his "lying" skills re: his history, but i dont think it would be at the top of his list for a long while.