#but now that i know where my goal is; i think i can like. do more power grinding and make attempts at beating him

[fierceawakening]

I'm going to be kind of a dick here too and say "what is the goal here?"

Because, while I think it is important to be visibly anti-Nazi (or whatever), I think where we choose to be visible can matter.

Years and years ago, long before Trump was anything but a weird racist ranting about Obama's birth certificate, I joined some leftist groups I now feel were high control and not very effective.

And they said... well not this exact thing, as this sounds like it's more about friend groups than family. And what they said was things like "if one 80 year old can understand not to be prejudiced, your uncle Jim is making a choice to be. And if you don't speak up, you're making a choice to let him be."

So I was at a family gathering, and my old relatives were talking, and there was a long history of Greek communities and Jewish communities having tension when they were young, and they said some things about Jews, using Greek terms that... well, I don't know if they were slurs or just "Jew" or whatever, but I found it weird and uncomfortable coupled with what they were saying (the thing about how Jews see themselves as "the chosen people" and this makes them do arrogant things, IIRC.)

I got upset, I said so, I stormed out.

The result of this was not my family members changing their minds or softening their rhetoric. The result of this was family gossip about how I'd been radicalized and there was something wrong with me.

It changed nothing, and some of these people died before I saw them again and had a chance to have a conversation about it. I still feel sad that some of these people may have died thinking I was their enemy, since I didn't really explain (or think, at the time, that I SHOULD explain) that I was saying "please don't do that" and not "I despise you utterly."

So... I think stands like the one I took, in public and loudly, CAN be good politics. But they're theater.

Who's the audience for the theater?

If it's the prejudiced person and they're deep enough in their beliefs they'll just deem you a Karen and look confused in the general direction of nice people.

If it's other people around in the public space, THAT can matter. But if you can, you should make sure that they heard the Nazi-ing that precipitated you calling everyone's attention to your comment or your flouncing. That helps ensure that people know why you considered it serious enough to call attention.

If it's your own conscience, that's okay too. But bear in mind that the universe is not always just, and people may just think you're being dramatic.

Especially if in your family or friend group, you're The Loud Leftist, as I was at the time.

Again, not saying don't do it. It's often needed. But do consider: is this something you will want to have done even if it bombs and no one sees the intent behind what you did?

If the answer is yes, THEN do it.

[comicaurora]

Hey, firstly I just wanted to say I’ve been consuming your content for years and thank you and Blue for being the only thing that kept my academic brain from turning to mush during online COVID middle school!

But I’m entering a new academic era, notably Junior year of my very rigorous collage prep program at my high school. I’ve always thought I would go to collage after high school but I’ve recently stumbled into some very interesting ways of making a living only perusing my creative passions (some very scary publishing opportunities). So I’ve been wondering if I actually want to go to collage or not, since going to collage just to be a published writer is an objective waste of money and I don’t want to spend the rest of high school breaking my neck earning collage credits I’m not going to use.

So I was wondering, if you had known you could make a living only perusing your creative passions, would you have spent the time, money and academic energy going to collage for something you didn’t end up doing professionally?

(I would ask my advisor but he’s too obviously pro collage and doesn’t have any experience making a living creatively).

(Sorry for the long ask)

No problem about the long ask! This is a very good question!

I'll start with the short answer, which is that nobody can make this decision but you, and if you decide not to go to college right now, that does not mean you are deciding to never go to college. Especially with Covid, plenty of people are taking gap years, and plenty of full-on adults go to college later in life, simply because the mood strikes them, or they now have income to burn, or they're interested in a career change, etc. This is not a coinflip that will decide the trajectory of the rest of your life.

For the longer answer, for me personally? Knowing I'd be able to earn a living doing art would have no bearing on my decision to go to college. Setting aside that a ton of the literary analysis my job is based on is skills I learned in college, I liked college because it gave me the opportunity to learn a wide swath of things, from anthropology courses to dinosaur science. I like learning new things! College was an opportunity to learn a ton of new things, and even if it was very challenging in places, I thrived in it. I didn't go to college with the goal of becoming qualified for a Real Job - because of who I am as a person I think I'd seriously struggle at most Real Jobs, and I knew that even back then. I was in college to learn, and to learn how to learn. I got my degree in mathematics, a thing I do not use in my Job, but the functionality of mathematics - to logically reason through problems, step by step, comparing it to known problems to map the way to solutions using operations that preserve truth - is an invaluable skill that I apply everywhere there are problems to solve, especially literary analysis. I learned a wide swath of tools with surprising applications, and I couldn't have known when I started how I might use them in the end.

However, there's a big caveat there. This was my personal experience of college as a playground where I could work towards a solid major and also branch out to take weird one-off electives and summer courses when anything struck my fancy. But I was in on a scholarship to cover a good chunk of my tuition, and one of my relatives very kindly paid for the rest. I got to do college without accruing any college debt, and that is an enormous factor. I can only share my personal take, but I'm not going to pretend that things would have been the same if I'd had to enter adulthood finding a way to quickly pay off a six-figure sum.

I've been extremely lucky to get to the point where I can navigate life in a way where money is very rarely something I need to worry about. It was certainly not always like that, and I do not miss those times, but it invariably shapes the way I see the world and the steps I took to get here. For me personally, I do not consider college in any way a waste of time; I think the opportunity to learn is one of the most exciting things out there. But my experience cannot be pretended to be universal.

This decision is yours, and it is also not final. Whatever choice you make, you can always choose again later. You have time.

[cherrycheolkat]

• no blueberries, feat. mingyu, pt. 1 •

.𖥔 ݁ ˖ִ ࣪⚝₊ ⊹˚ .𖥔 ݁ ˖ִ ࣪⚝₊ ⊹˚ .𖥔 ݁ ˖ִ ࣪⚝₊ ⊹˚ .𖥔 ݁ ˖ִ ࣪⚝₊ ⊹˚ .𖥔 ݁ ࣪⚝₊ ⊹˚ .𖥔 ݁ ִ ࣪⚝₊ ⊹˚ .𖥔 ݁

pairing: kim mingyu x f!reader

mentioned: seungcheol, joshua, vernon, christian yu (dpr ian in part ii)

word count: 4.1K

genre: fake dating, college au, college student!mingyu, college student!reader, fluff, f2l, idiots, idiots in love, angst, pining, denial of feelings, etsablished friendship (reader & ian)

summary: mingyu was just your lab partner and study buddy for several semesters, but lately things seem to have changed, and maybe everyone else has noticed, but for the most part, neither of you even think about what you are to one another until mingyu asks you to be his 'fake' date for a long weekend trip so he can avoid an ex, the biggest problem is realizing that there's nothing fake about your relationship but when mingyu won't even talk about what you are to each other, you start to think things might be over before they even really start

warnings: explicit language, mentions of anxiety, sexually suggestive situations, drinking, established open relationship

a/n: they are literally idiots in love but they're so dumb they almost don't deserve a happy ending - i am screaming at them ;-; ooof writing part ii...and well, i need to update this with additional characters...oops (if you don't know - i am not a planning writing - i just go where the characters take me - they get their shit together - trust the process) besides it's named for a dpr ian song anyway, might as well include him for his dilf status and the accent

xx kat

[part ii]

♡ if you would like to be tagged in my upcoming posts, go [here]

.𖥔 ݁ ˖ִ ࣪⚝₊ ⊹˚ .𖥔 ݁ ˖ִ ࣪⚝₊ ⊹˚ .𖥔 ݁ ˖ִ ࣪⚝₊ ⊹˚ .𖥔 ݁ ˖ִ ࣪⚝₊ ���˚ .𖥔 ݁ ࣪⚝₊ ⊹˚ .𖥔 ݁ ִ ࣪⚝₊ ⊹˚ .𖥔 ݁

“please, y/n,” he was definitely begging now. 

she rolled her eyes, “dude, she’s your ex - you’re over her, just go and be normal, okay?” she was a bit annoyed at this point because he was over her, wasn't he, she wondered.

he whined softly, “seriously, just come with me, pretend you’re into me for like four days - i can’t deal with her, you know, alone,” she watched him stare at his textbook, looking fully embarrassed. 

she blinked quickly wondering how she was the friend being enlisted for this - to her they were mainly lab partners and study buddies. she had no clue how he had decided they were close enough to even bring this idea up. but she did feel bad. even as lab partners, she knew his ex was genuinely horrible, as in her entire personality was “gaslight, gate keep, girl boss” - as though those were positive things no less. 

she sighed, “i thought it was kind of a couples thing? since almost everyone is part of a couple,” she trailed off. 

he nodded, “yeah, it is, but she’s going alone - she told someone her whole goal is to fuck me one more time,” he mumbled the last part, blushing hard, “apparently, she ‘misses’ that,” he rolled his eyes, looking miserable. 

even she was shocked to hear that. it was certainly a new low. 

“that’s - that’s really shitty,” she sighed, not knowing what else to say. 

she watched him nod, still staring at his textbook, thumbing the edges of the page. she bit her lip gently, “can i think about it for a bit?”

he nodded, glancing up at her. she couldn’t help but notice how glossy his eyes looked - she worried he was on the verge of crying. she wasn’t equipped to deal with a crying mingyu. happy? sure. drunk? yes. whiny and ridiculous? no problem. 

but to see him on the verge of tearing up because he was worried or stressed or whatever, that was beyond her friendship scope. but to be fair, fake dating probably was too. even if she knew some people did mistake them for a couple. that really wasn’t the point.

the point was the longer they sat there fake studying, she knew what she was going to do. she couldn’t sit back while he went off to a terrible trip to the lake where he might be the target of his ex’s sexcapades. she knew he hadn’t dated since her, which would just be a point againts him - she could easily imagine, ‘oh baby, you haven’t even tried since me?’ - gross, she thought. besides, if he were gone for the break, she wasn’t really sure what she would do anyway. 

the standard was for them to study friday afternoon, and then they would usually met up at a party or something and would duck out for food when either of them got bored and go back to y/n's to watch tv and pass out. saturday was fairly similar, but sunday was more like study, and then they kind of always ordered food and watched tv or something. sometimes he slept on the couch - something her roommate would roll her eyes at whenever possible, espeically since ‘sometimes’ seemed to translate to almost every sunday. 

she had finally told him to just bring clothes so he would't be late for monday morning practices anymore. her roommate had wondered loudly why mingyu didn't just move into y/n's room and get a tiny corner of the closet already. she had ignored that unnecessary commentary. 

she groaned inwardly, “okay, fine - i’ll go with you, but you owe me,” you whispered. 

he glanced up, “really?”

she ignored that he sounded a little too happy and nodded, “yes, if it means you can avoid her insanity for the long weekend,” she tried to feel confident about the decision. 

luckily, she knew there was nothing between them. they’re only lab partners and maybe friends, at best, she tried to assure herself and ignore every other thought she had. 

⋆˙⟡

she truly hated packing for anything, and this trip was no exception. the only slight difference was mingyu hanging out on her bed while she packed this time. she wasn’t sure if he was nervous or what, but he kept shifting around on her bed - it reminded her of a puppy rolling around in the hope that someone would rub its stomach. she tried not to laugh at the mental image of him rolling around in search of belly rubs. instead, she tried to focus on what to pack. 

it was still warm enough to go swimming, despite the fact that it was ‘fall’ break, so she tried to decide on swimsuits. ultimately, she just packed them all - they were basically underwear anyway, she reasoned. 

“are we sharing a room?”

“yeah, you know, since we’re together and ‘finally admitting it’ - is that really what jeonghan said?” he asked. he had been annoyed about that response for at least two hours. 

“i literally showed you his text,” she mumbled as she hunted for friends-who-are-fake-dating appropriate sleepwear, aka her most oversized tshirts, sleep shorts that were as un-sexy as possible, and a few sweatshirts in case it was cold.

he sighed, “okay, but that’s such a flippant answer,” he complained. 

she snorted, “‘flippant’?”

“yes!”

she grinned, wondering when he started using words like ‘flippant’ in normal conversations. mingyu was one of those guys who she hadn’t taken seriously when she first met him - he was fun at parties, but when he wanted to study together, she had been seriously skeptical. but then she saw their first exam grades post and realized how well he had ranked. she had wondered if it was just his personality or if he actively worked to hide the fact that he was that smart. 

it hadn’t really mattered though since they had been studying together since then. something she distinctly remembered being an issue for his ex - katie had genuinely hated y/n and wasn’t quiet about it. it was maybe the only time she had seen mingyu fully lose his mind over something - she had never heard the words ‘get fucked’ said quiet so intensely, especially since that they were sitting in the library at the time. 

she sighed, “don’t you think it might be a little obvious for us to show up together?”

“not really - she always said we had some weird thing, so why not let her be right,” his voice was concerningly normal. 

she had been thinking about the fact that it was kind of a petty move. actually, there were loads of reasons she could think of for not going, including almost every scenario from a horror movie - she was not discounting serial killers in masks waiting in the woods. but her main concern was being confronted by katie - it just felt like a needlessly stressful way to spend her fall break.

“okay, but i mean, you couldn’t think of anyone else?"

he sighed, “like who? i hang out with you, i go out with you - you make sense,” his voice was soft, but he still sounded just a little disappointed that she was asking him…again. 

she rolled her eyes, “we could just hang out like normal and avoid this.”

she glanced at him, watching him mull over what she had said and not for the first time either. to be fair, her anxiety was only growing. she left him to go pretend to be discerning about how much of her skincare she was packing, even though she was blindly grabbing everything from her counter. when she walked back into her room, he was sitting up.

“even if she’s there, the trip is just to have fun and not be on campus - you know, a break at joshua’s nice lake house,” he didn’t look at her as he explained. 

she stared for a moment and turned back to her already exploding suitcase, “you only asked me because of her,” she felt like it was very obvious why she was going, but she heard him mumble something, which she ignored. instead, she violently jammed her clothes and toiletries into her bag. 

she absolutely hated that knowing katie would be there made her feel a tiny bit competitive - she had purposefully picked all of her smallest swimsuits - she had even gone to get waxed for this, something she definitely would never admit to anyone. she had even dragged out her status luggage bag - the one her step-mom had given her two christmases ago that made her cringe. there was also the little, tiny mean voice in the back of her mind that had always thought katie had never been good enough for mingyu anyway - she wasn’t especially cute, and her voice drove y/n up the walls - not to mention she was kind of dumb and objectively sucked at beer pong. y/n would also never admit that she used to play them on purpose just to beat them because she was good at beer pong. 

she jumped when mingyu touched her arm, “fuck, what?” 

she hadn’t even noticed that he was lying on his side, watching her jam everything into her bag.

“you don’t have to go,” he whispered. 

she swooped all of her hair off her shoulders in annoyance, mostly because there was something about the way he whispered, with this weird tenderness, that made her feel way too quivery. it wasn’t fair because she knew she never affected him like that. she just shook her head. she was totally fine with everything. plus, she didn’t believe him for a moment that she could just stay. she knew in her gut that she had moved something in their friendship past a boundary that she hadn’t even noticed, and now, she couldn’t just take it back without suffering the consequences. 

⋆˙⟡

she was glad she was driving. she could at least focus on the road, plus they were the ones tasked with stopping at the liquor store, so she only had to deal with mingyu and seungcheol - she only wondered briefly why no one cared that seungcheol was solo for the long weekend. actually, it only annoyed her slightly that mingyu had left that fact out - she knew he could have spent the entire break with seungcheol, no problem, which only made her wonder why he really asked her. worse was her wondering why it seemed to matter that mingyu sounded disappointed at the idea of her not going, accepting but unhappy - not like he had been when she said ‘yes’. 

she walked through the store, mainly looking for the things she wanted. her ideal party weekend was starting her day off with something bubbly and moving on to liquor by lunch. she wasn’t really paying attention to the cases of beer, tequila, and vodka mingyu and seungcheol were collecting. instead, she was in line to pay for her stuff and some edible gummy candies she noticed last minute - she grabbed several of those. she could’ve kicked herself for not asking her roommate’s girlfriend for some weed before she left. she waited next to her car for them to come out, answering a few texts. she ignored the ones from mingyu. she couldn’t help that she was from a family of people who completely avoided their emotions, plus she could see the message preview - it wasn’t anything life-changing. 

when they came out, she wasn’t super shocked by the very full cart or the fact that they practically filled the back of her suv - they had to move their bags into the seat with seungcheol. it was like half the soccer team, their girlfriends, and friends for five nights, after all. the team wasn’t known for holding back at any of their parties - the rule was ‘no empties.’ she could only hope that the people getting food were grabbing enough to balance everything out. 

the rest of the drive was uneventful. it was pretty though - even if it still looked like summer and not a bit like fall. 

the house was a massive hunk of glass overlooking the lake. everything was very modern and sleek inside. she had been imagining something a little more cozy, less brutal. but that didn’t really matter, especially when they started divvying up the rooms - she and mingyu had a room that shared a bathroom with seungcheol’s room. and it hit her immediatly, mingyu was staying in seungcheol’s room. she wasn’t sure why it annoyed her, but it did, especially when she planned to be sharing a room with him. 

she starfished out on the bed - her bed - and decided she would probably go home the next day. there was literally no reason for her to be here, and there probably never had been. also, sharing the bathroom with two whole ass guys just sounded miserable. she sat up after a few moments of moping, remembering the edibles she had - she ate three and dropped back onto the bed. she wasn’t planning on coming out of her room. mingyu could get fucked, she decided. 

it was seungcheol who was leaning over when she woke up with a yelp, “what the fuck?” her heart was pounding. 

he laughed, “sorry, mingyu wondered if you were okay, so i came to check,” he raised an eyebrow, “you seem alive, though,” he concluded.

she rolled her eyes, “thanks for the astute diagnosis, dr. choi,” she murmured and fell back onto the bed.

he laughed, “seriously though, you good?”

she exhaled loudly, “is he like standing in the bathroom or something?”

seungcheol shook his head.

“liar,” she groaned and rolled over, “i’m going home in the morning, so he can stop feeling whatever way he’s feeling.”

seungcheol looked surprised, “you’re just heading back? isn’t this like the first time you’ve like been somewhere together?”

she shrugged, “and?” your annoyance was definitely coming through, loud and clear.

seungcheol nodded, “right, you two have weird vibes, but look, i need him out of my room - my date is here, and i actually want to spend time with her.”

she could only roll her eyes, “so four people and one bathroom - this is only getting better,” she sighed, “i should just go home now.”

seungcheol shrugged, “whatever, just say it’s okay for him to come in here, so he stops whining in my room - it’s seriously killing my mood.”

“okay, whatever, i don’t care.” 

this was truly going downhill as far as she was concerned. and why would mingyu be whining to seungcheol anyway, she wondered. she heard him come into the room, but she didn’t move. even when he sat on the bed, she stayed still. 

“are you really leaving?”

she pressed her lips together, thinking, “probably not, but seriously, why did you even ask me?” 

she had maybe run out of whatever annoyance she had felt before at being woken up out of nowhere, plus her edibles were wearing off. she sat up so she was next to him, “just tell me what this is - like i’m a buffer, right? but you didn’t tell anyone that i was just coming along, you told them we’re dating, and that comes with like expectations,” she trailed off. 

“since when do you care about expectations?”

she wondered if smacking him would be too strong of a reaction. 

this was all such a bad idea. she was going to have a shit weekend and probably lose her friend in the process. 

⋆˙⟡

the rest of the night was uneventful, with everyone filtering in and no one eating at the same time. she grabbed food and something to drink and mostly avoided conversation, especially if it had to do with her and mingyu. 

she also decided if she pretended this was like a retreat, she could just focus on swimming and hiking since, according to her phone, there were some great trails around. and obeying her fake retreat rules, she grabbed some extra water and headed to bed early - she needed to sleep if she was going to go for a sunrise swim. she was glad that she brought a sleep mask and ear plugs.

her only problem was mingyu’s texts. he hadn’t answered her question about why he asked her or explained why he went nuclear and told everyone they were dating. she had thoughts on what was going on, but she was as bad as he was. even lying in bed, in her not sexy at all clothes, her brain was in overdrive thinking about him in ways she didn’t want to be, especially since her phone kept going off. she knew he was thinking about her, even if it was this pretend, fake way - it didn’t matter. she pulled her pillow over her head to try to drown out the telltale buzzing. she refused to check her phone. 

even when she finally heard the sounds of people going to bed. she cringed at the idea of seungcheol fucking. her gut reaction was that man would be loud. 

she heard the footsteps outside their door, “come on mingyu - baby, just come to my room - you know you want to,” she sat up, knowing the voice immediately. 

“no, i told you i’m not” — she heard the sudden wet sounds of a kiss.

“fuck, katie, stop - what are you not hearing?” she could hear the edge in his voice. 

she sighed, she was technically there to help him avoid this kind of thing. she got out of bed and pulled off her sleep shorts, so she was clearly down to just her panties and tshirt, and tossed her sleep mask. 

she walked to the door and opened it slowly, “gyu?” she made sure sleep was thick in her voice, as she pouted up at him adn tugged his shirt sleeve, “come to bed,” she whispered, biting her lower lip gently. 

she didn’t even look at katie, just him.

he looked at her, “hey, baby,” he didn’t miss a beat, pulling away from katie as fast as he could and walking into their room after her, closing and locking the door. 

she walked back over to the bed and flopped back onto the soft mattress, “helpful enough?” she asked. 

the low light from outside was enough for her to see him nod, “sorry we woke you up,” his voice was soft. 

she shook her head, “it’s fine, just come to bed - i want to swim in the morning,” she was already happily back under the duvet. 

he was gone long enough for her to doze, but she opened her eyes when she heard him, “do you literally mean come to bed?”

she turned over and threw the covers back and patted the spot next to her. he still looked uncertain. she sighed and moved so she was on her knees - she grabbed his hand, “how much more of an invitation do you need?”

“you didn’t even check my messages,” his voice was so small - he sounded hurt. 

she tried to find some answer in the way he was looking at her. but there was nothing besides the fact that she had hurt his feelings. ignoring him was the only thing she knew genuinely drove him nuts - he had told her when they were strictly lab partners how much he hated it - how much it annoyed him. she rarely ignored him. but she had tonight, mainly because her own thoughts were kind of fucked, seeing his stream of conciousness texts would have made it worse.

“so let me apologize,” she whispered, pulling his hand gently - it wasn’t lost on her that he was just in his underwear. 

he let her pull him into bed, and she straddled him, reaching down to smooth his hair back from his face, “what hurts, baby?” 

he touched his lips - she nodded, leaning down to kiss him softly. she held his jaw gently and kissed him slowly. she moaned faintly when she felt his hands ghost along her lower back and under her shirt. his hands were so warm, she shivered. she deepened their kiss, tracing her fingers through his hair as she did, loving how soft his hair was. they stayed that way, making out like it was the only thing in the world that mattered. even when she felt one of his hands slide down over the curve of her ass to trace his fingers under the hem of her panties, she didn’t break the kiss. she wasn’t worried about where his hands might wander. there were only so many things he could touch. 

when she finally pulled away to breathe, she still played with his hair, “so, tell me what we’re doing, mingyu - so we both know, please.”

she could feel his hands on the backs of her thighs - he squeezed her thighs lightly, “what we do every weekend, y/n,” his voice was low.

she bit her lip softly, thinking about the weekend before, letting all her memories bubble to the top. her favorite part was the way he had held her back against his chest, leaning down to kiss her while he fucked her from below. 

she shook her head gently, “just say it - tell me the way you told everyone else,” she murmured. 

she waited for anything besides silence before sitting up and shaking her head. she moved to her side of the bed. she didn’t understand how they had gone so fluidly from one thing to another without really talking about it at all. but then again, that was maybe exactly how it happened - they hadn’t called it anything - it was just what they did. and she hadn’t cared about what it was anymore than he had until he brought it up - until he told people what they were. but somehow, that was the fake part - actually calling it a relationship wasn’t real, even though they had clearly been more than friends or anything else for months. 

⋆˙⟡

she went to sleep purely for spite. and when she woke up with her alarm, she slipped out of bed, grabbed her swimsuit and went to change. it was when she walked out of the bathroom and by the bed that she felt him grab her hand gently, “are you really going out?”

she nodded, “yeah, why shouldn’t i do the stuff i want?”

“i didn’t say you shouldn’t,” he let go of her, sighing as he shifted around under the duvet. 

she didn’t repsond, instead, she just grabbed her stuff and went quietly through the house and out the back. she walked along the dock, pausing at the end for a moment before jumping into the cool waters. even when she surfaced, she couldn’t get him out of her mind. she floated, thinking about the fact that whatever they were was only nameless when they were alone. she laughed to herself. 

she got out when she started to feel chilly. she dried off and walked back to the house. she poked around the kitchen to find something for breakfast and some ice - she had kept her own drinks in their room, knowing they would be gone otherwise. 

she went back to their room, bypassing the bed in favor of going onto the balcony they had. she hadn’t looked at it the night before. she only went back in to grab a bottle of champagne. she popped the cork, not really caring that it wasn’t chilled yet. she sipped it before sticking the bottle in the ice she had gotten. she ate fruit and some leftover steak she had found in the fridge. she scrolled through her socials. 

a few of her friends had messaged to ask if she were really dating mingyu - her blanket response was easy, ‘no.’ 

.𖥔 ݁ ˖ִ ࣪⚝₊ ⊹˚ .𖥔 ݁ ˖ִ ࣪⚝₊ ⊹˚ .𖥔 ݁ ˖ִ ࣪⚝₊ ⊹˚ .𖥔 ݁ ˖ִ ࣪⚝₊ ⊹˚ .𖥔 ݁ ࣪⚝₊ ⊹˚ .𖥔 ݁ ִ ࣪⚝₊ ⊹˚ .𖥔 ݁

a/n: told you they are dumb af...trust the process, yes they're about to be messy af...but i only write happy endings

♡ kat

[part ii] [part iii - in progress]

.𖥔 ݁ ˖ִ ࣪⚝₊ ⊹˚ .𖥔 ݁ ˖ִ ࣪⚝₊ ⊹˚ .𖥔 ݁ ˖ִ ࣪⚝₊ ⊹˚ .𖥔 ݁ ˖ִ ࣪⚝₊ ⊹˚ .𖥔 ݁ ࣪⚝₊ ⊹˚ .𖥔 ݁ ִ ࣪⚝₊ ⊹˚ .𖥔 ݁

tag list: @syluslittlecrows

if you want to be tagged, go [here] my [master list] if you want to read more

[captain-huggy-bear]

The Puck-cident

Pairing: Clayton Keller x Fem!Reader

Warnings: Blood, vomit, injury, hurt/comfort

Summary: You are the unfortunate soul that takes a puck to the face during one of Utah's games, Clayton sees whole thing and demands to be let off the ice.

Notes: By popular demand I have finally gotten around to this fic ☺️This turned out to be like 5.5k so...enjoy?

Totally happy to take requests/ideas/prompts at the moment in my ask box :)

Writing Masterlist

Everyone always knows there's a risk involved with sitting in the audience at an ice hockey game. The announcers at every game never fail to remind people that pucks can travel at well over 80mph and can go into the audience. Always reminding people to keep their eyes on the puck. But, no one actually ever thinks it'll hit them. You've seen your fair share of pucks caught in the crowds, you've never seen someone get injured.

You've been to so many ice hockey games that maybe you've been lulled into a false sense of security, a sense that nothing bad could possible happen to you, not when you're sat in the stands to watch your boyfriend play. Not when you're wearing his jersey, Keller plastered across the back, number 9 bold and clear. Not when you feel so at home in that space, so secure. Turns out you're terribly wrong.

Normally Clayton's eyes wouldn't have followed the puck as it went out of bounds, normally he'd have sighed and moved to the new faceoff circle, caring very little for what fan had managed to catch it. Normally, he'd be more concerned with the fact that they were in a two goal deficit. But, something made him stop on the ice today, something made him follow the puck with his eyes to its end destination. Eyes widening in horror as the scene started to play in slow motion while he was utterly helpless on the ice, stood there with his grip slacking on his stick.

Clayton never imagined that it would be dangerous for you to come to one of his games because fans getting hit by pucks? Getting genuinely hurt? That seemed like such a fluke incident and you'd never been hurt before, not in all the years you'd been coming to his games. Even before you were with him you'd gone to ice hockey games, not once had you had an issue. But, it sinks in, the reality of it, that it does happen and can happen to you. That it's happening to you right now and he can't do anything to stop it.

The piece of vulcanised rubber that had flown off the stick of the opposing team flies over the glass into the stands and he watches like some sort car crash, a sick slow motion view as the puck finds you, like your name was written on it. It's hard to tell from this distance how hurt you are, or where you were hit, but he can see the crowd writhing around you, the panicked yells telling him enough.

Enough that Clayton's skating towards the bench as fast as he can, shrugging off teammates and referees who try to insist he stays, who keep asking him what's wrong and where he's going. His coach tries the same, stepping in his path, confused as to where Clay's off to in the middle of a game as the captain of the team.

"Keller, what do you think you're doing?"

"Respectfully, Bear, my girlfriend just got hit by a puck going nearly 90mph. I'm going to see if she's alright." His tone is short, clipped, trying to be respectful of his coach, a man he does respect and admire. But he's made up his mind and nothing and no one is going to stop him from going to you right now. He'd sooner quite hockey entirely than play a whole game unsure if you're alright after being injured.

"Keller, the game..."

"Fuck the game, you've got enough players. I need to see her, coach." Maybe it's the wild look in his eyes, the way panic stands out stark and clear. Maybe it's the tense set of his shoulders or the fact that his stick creaks so hard under his grip that it sounds like it may crack. Whatever it is, he isn't yelled at like he expects, no one tells him to go back out on the ice.

Instead Tourigny steps aside letting him past as Clayton storms down the tunnel, passing his stick off to someone. He's barely aware of the fact he takes off his skates, shoving them in someone's arms before he's running out towards the entrance to the stands in just his socks, the only thought on his mind being you and whether you were okay right now.

It's hard to describe what goes through your head when you see the puck coming straight for you, a blind sort of panic that has you freezing in your seat, not that you had anywhere to go to avoid it, not at the speed it had come at you. You're in such shock that you don't really feel much after the initial impact, head buzzing and dazed, neck hurting from the snap of your head backwards, ears ringing as people around you start fussing over you. Someone has you up out of your seat, your arm around their shoulders helping you out of the stands. The feeling of wetness glides down your temple and you raise a hand to your face that comes away red, noticing almost numbly that you're bleeding, blood running down the side of your face, upset because it starts to drip on Clay's jersey, the white one he'd lent you. The fabric being stained, ruined.

"Keller has left the ice, rather abruptly, we're unsure if it's related to the fan in the crowd who's taken a puck to the head or not." Someone has the game station on, clearly enjoying having the commentators speak during the game, the crowd is so loud as you're all but hauled up the stairs to the exit of the stands. You have just enough awareness to wonder if Clayton had seen you get hit or whether he'd been hurt on the ice himself or wasn't feeling well.

You feel like you're going to be sick as you're helped into the main entrance of the arena, lights blinding you, head pounding, the numbness starting to fade in favour of such blistering, aching pain in your head that you can't help but start crying. You feel pathetic, scared, panicked and in pain. You just want Clayton but he should be playing a game right now and the realisation that you couldn't have him with you only makes you cry harder.

It turned into full on sobs when your dizzy, double vision locks on to Clay who's running in just a pair of socks towards you, frantic, helmet being tossed behind him to someone. There's two of him, your vision going in and out but you're so happy to see him that it doesn't matter. So happy that he's here that you can almost ignore the pain, the nausea, and the blood.

He's got you in his arms before you can even comprehend reaching for him, whoever had helped you this far taking a step back to let him take over. He's petrified, you look horrific, blood coating the side of your face and neck, red clotting around your temple. Your eyes unfocused, the white of his jersey bloodstained, tears streaming down your face and he knows someone's calling the first aid team, but it doesn't reassure him when you look like that.

Clay's hands cup the sides your face, your blood is sticky against his palm and he knows he shouldn't be, knows its not anyone's real fault, but he's irrationally angry. Angry at the other team for sending the puck off into the stands, angry at you for always insisting you sit like a normal fan rather than in the box for family and friends, angry at himself for not insisting, angry at Tourigny for trying to stop him from coming to find you, angry that he wasn't with you when it happened. Angry because the alternative is fear and he's not sure he's ready to feel that right now, not sure he can, needing to keep it together for you because you're still crying, clutching onto him like he's the only thing that can bring you comfort right now. He can't help the way he grips you back tightly, trying to reassure himself that you're okay, even as blood keeps flowing from the split skin of your temple.

"You're going to be okay, baby, I've got you...It's okay." It's not, fuck, it's not, but he's trying to stay calm for you, a blank mask on his face rather than blind panic as he watches a stretcher be wheeled towards you. Runs his fingers through your hair in an attempt to soothe you and himself at the same time, he knows his hands are shaking so fucking badly and he hopes you don't notice, hope you feel reassured by him, feel like he's steady, stable.

"We need her on the stretcher, Keller, so we can have a look at her." Clay's attention goes to the first aiders behind you, the stretcher pulled close enough that all you have to do is step back and jump up.

"It hurts, Clay..." You're sniffling into his shoulder, blood getting on the jersey he's wearing, not that he cares. The equipment team are used to getting blood out of things. Two bloody jerseys is nothing in the grand scheme of things.

"I know, baby, oh, I know...I'm just going to give you a little boost up, okay? We're going to get you sat up here, okay?" He talks you through each step as his hands find your waist, helping you jump up onto the stretcher. The movement makes you dizzy, nausea filling you to the point where you know you're going to be sick, desperately trying to keep it in, being unable to. You can't help it when you're sick...all over Clay, head leaning forward between your legs as you vomit over his legs, whimpering as you do so.

"I'm sorry...I've got blood on your jersey and now..." You're crying harder now, embarrassment and shame added to the whole issue because you've just vomited over your boyfriend's expensive hockey gear after bleeding over 2 different jerseys. But, Clay doesn't flinch, hands stroking your hair as you lean forward to quell the dizziness. Is it gross? Oh, totally, does he actually care? Not really. It's testament to how much he loves you that the grossness doesn't matter, he'd let you vomit on him a million times so long as he can look after you in the process.

"It's okay, baby, I need you to lay back, okay? They're going to check on your head..." His hands are gentle on your shoulders, pushing you back while helping you swing your legs straight on the stretcher. Clay's fingers brush back your hair as he looks down at your hazy gaze, "I need to go change real quick and I'll be right back, sweet girl."

When he goes to step back you're grabbing his hand with the precision of a star goalie, even with the double vision and haziness you manage to find his hand. The grip you have on him is so tight, scared for him to leave you, scared you'll be alone like this. Even as you know he's covered in blood and vomit and needs to change, deserves to change.

He's right back to stroking your cheek, backs of his fingers gentle on your skin like he's afraid you might break, "I'll be right back, you're not going anywhere without me."

"You promise?"

"I promise."

He tells the medical staff not to go anywhere with you without him. The fear of coming back to find you gone roiling in his stomach, not really wanting to leave you alone but knowing he can't stand here covered in sick. He's so quick, running down the corridors to the locker room to limit how long he's gone. The speed with which he takes off the vomit soaked clothes and sweat stained uniform is probably record breaking and despite the smell of sick he doesn't even contemplate a shower, just throws on some old sweats and a t-shirt, shoving his feet into a pair of sneakers before bolting back to where he left you. He can take a shower later, once he knows you're okay, once you're both back home.

You're lying back on the stretcher with one of the first aiders, Clay thinks his name is John, leaning over you, shining a torch in your eyes to check for a concussion when Clay returns. He can tell already that you have one between the dizziness, vomiting and the way you seem to wince at any and all light. It doesn't take a genius to realise the puck to the face has rocked your brain a little too hard.

The middle age first aid looks up at Clayton as he finishes checking you over, Clay coming up on your other side to grab your hand again. The way you look at him, so trusting, so happy to just have him back makes his heart skip a little even as it breaks at how tired and in pain you look.

"She has a concussion and needs stitches, we're not allowed to do them here as she's a member of the public, she needs to go to hospital. It might also be a good idea to get an x-ray, make sure she's not got a fracture or anything like that." John turns to Clayton, pocketing the flashlight. It's not what he wants to hear, Clay would rather hear that you're perfectly fine, but it's obvious you're not. Still panic closes his throat at the thought that you might have something even more seriously like a fracture or worse.

"Does she need an ambulance or can I drive her?" Either way Clayton's coming with you, whether in the back of an ambulance or in the driver's seat of his car. He'll deal with the aftermath of leaving the game later, but right now? You're his priority and he's not leaving you.

"Probably quicker for you to take her yourself, Keller. I can help you wheel her to your car?"

"Thanks, that'd be great, John."

"No problem."

Clay has your hand in his, walking alongside the stretcher as John wheels it down to the parking lot. You're dazed and slightly giddy, laughing at each bump despite the pain and that's more concerning to Clay than the crying. A cloth has been put to your head, held there by your free hand, knuckles tight like you're working off instinct just to keep it there. He's not sure you'd be able to release it with how tight your grip is. He knows head wounds bleed a lot, but that doesn't make seeing the cloth already red with blood, any easier or less worrying.

Clayton's decided he has a new appreciation for how you feel whenever he gets injured on the ice. It's...God, it might be one of the worst things he's ever had to go through.

He's proven right, that you can't seem to let that cloth go when he helps you down from the stretcher and to his car, your hand doesn't move, cloth pressed to stem the flow of blood even when you stumble. He has you in the passenger seat and buckled in as quickly as possible and maybe he breaks a few traffic laws on the way to the hospital, but anyone would. The way you're barely there next to him, so dazed that he's worried the concussion might be something more has him pressing a little harder on the accelerator.

The blood is enough in the emergency room for you to be fast tracked to a doctor and a bed, struggling to sit upright he makes the decision to get up on the bed with you. You rest between his legs, leaning back on him heavily, Clayton the only thing keep you sat upright as the doctor, Dr Pandya, pries the cloth from your hand and assesses the wound.

You shy back into him when the doctor wipes away at the large cut with antiseptic to clean away the blood, only for more to come spilling forth. Clay's arms wrapping tight around your waist, linking your hands with his to give you something to grip onto.

"You need stitches, it's not going to close on its own."

"Okay..." He can tell you're trying to be brave, breathing suddenly heavier, fingers tightening around his until his own start to go numb, but he doesn't complain. Just lets you lean on him, seek support from him.

You're brave throughout the 14 stitches it takes to close up the cut on your temple, more stitches than you've ever had to have in your life. But, you don't complain, don't ask to stop, don't hiss, just let it happen as you grip onto Clay with everything you have. The warmth of his back behind you, his chin resting on your shoulder, pressing kisses to your neck, helps. Having him with you helps.

"All done. You have a concussion and need to rest for at least 2 days before you do anything. Avoid bright lights, loud areas. Keep those stitches dry for at least a day, so no washing your hair just yet unfortunately. If it starts to bruise, ice it."

The doctors turns to Clay this time, "If she starts to seem confused, keeps vomiting or just doesn't seem to be getting any better then bring her back in. But she should be tired for the next few days but start to feel better soon."

"Thank you," You're quiet but polite, not wanting to be rude when someone has taken the time to help you even if it is the doctor's job to do so.

"Thanks, Doc."

There's a quick sort of turn around in which Clay fills out the necessary paper work, financial details, insurance and the like before he's helping you up and out of emergency room.

All you want is to sleep, curl up in bed with Clayton and hide from the pounding in your head, the bright lights and loud sounds of the outside world only making it worse.

He's calmer on the drive home, no more traffic laws being broken even if he grips the steering wheel a little tight and keeps glancing at you out of the corner of his eye, assessing. Some of the panic has eased, but not all. You're still hurt. Concussed, stitched up, definitely going to bruise and swell, and in need of rest. Rest he can't be there for the entire time because of his job. He might have gotten away with leaving the game tonight, but he knows he'll be expected at practice tomorrow, knows he'll be expected at the home game the day after and that means hours of time in which you're alone. He hates the idea of it, already running through a mental list of people he could call.

"I got blood on your jersey..." You're sniffling again when he pulls the car into the driveway, putting it in park. He turns in his seat, leaning an arm on the headrest to watch you. You're staring at the blood stains on the jersey you're wearing, tears dripping down your cheeks and it's...it's so silly and so sweet that some of that panic eases further.

"It's okay, baby, the equipment guys can get the blood out."

"Really?" You look at him so hopefully, so innocently happy. He hates that your reaction is like that because of your injury, at the same time finding it amusing, a small smile reaching his lips for the first time since he saw you take a puck to the face.

"Yeah, baby, they're great at that..."

"Oh..."

There's a beat of silence where you just blink at him, sighing out each breath like even that's too tiring right now. There's blood crusted around your stitches that he knows you're going to get annoyed with while you can't get water near them, bruising starting to pop up around that side of your face, swelling beginning to show and make you look a little lopsided.

"Let's get you inside and into some comfy clothes, yeah? You tired?"

"Really tired..." You blink all slow at him, eyelids feeling supremely heavy and he knows you're going to be out like a light the moment he gets you into the bed. That's reassuring in a way, that you'll find it easy to rest, at least tonight, before the aches fully settle in.

He's tries to be quick getting round to your side of the car but he's starting to feel just as tired. A combination of playing half a game of pro-hockey, the anxiety, panic and worry over your wellbeing, being thrown up on, going all the way to hospital and back, all working to make Clayton feel like dropping where he stands. But, like always you're his priority.

His hands reach for yours, tugging gently to pull you from the car, "Okay, out you get, baby." You go willingly, letting him guide you from the car and through the house. Letting your brain shut off because he's got you. You trust him to guide you around obstacles, through doorways, a level of trust that Clayton can't help but feel honoured by as you let him sit you on the edge of your shared bed.

You blink up at him all slow and sleepy, shoulders slumping and he's certain if you laid down you'd be out in seconds.

"Arms up, baby." You don't question him, don't hesitate, arms straight in the air with the sort of sluggishness that tells him even doing that feels hard right now.

Clay's careful of your hair and your stitches as he pulls the bloodstained jersey over your head, throwing it in a corner to take back to the rink to salvage. You leave your hands up as he helps you out of your undershirt and replaces it with one of your favourite big comfy t-shirts. You don't drop your arms until he tells you to, the sort of obedience you fall into around him because he takes care of you so well that you trust him more than you trust yourself.

"Wanna shower..."

"You can't get your stitches wet yet, sweet girl, tomorrow night I'll help you shower, but not tonight, okay?"

"Okay..." He knows you hate it, your routine is like clockwork. Every evening you shower, washing the dirt and grime of the day away, and breaking that is upsetting to you. But, you trust him. You listen without protest and let him lay you back so he can wriggle your jeans down over your hips and off your ankles, socks coming with.

"Up for me, baby." You reach for him from the first word, arms around his neck, fingers tangling in his chains as he lifts you to your feet, keeping an arm wrapped around your waist as he pulls the covers back.

He settles you in against your pillow, swinging your legs up and pulling the covers up to your waist as you cling to him. Your fingers don't detach from his chains, holding tight to him so that he can't pull away, hovering over you.

He's so handsome, maybe it's the concussion talking, but he's always so handsome. Your free hand reaches for his cheek, tracing the skin beneath his eyes and he can't help but smile at you, at the soft way you're gazing up at him. Still dazed, but oh so loving.

"You okay, baby?" He huffs a laugh down at you, teeth peeking out and you love that smile, god it makes him so pretty. So, so pretty. Even prettier when one of his hands cups your cheek like that, long finger stroking the skin gently where your cheek lifts from grinning up at him all dozy.

"Mmm, you're really pretty."

"I think that's your concussion talking, sweet girl." His fingers graze the swollen skin by your stitches lightly, not hard enough to hurt or sting, but a reminder to himself that you've got 14 stitches right now. That right now you're brain is a little scrambled.

"Nuh uh...you're always pretty...I got really lucky." You might be concussed but you know it's true. Clayton's so handsome you spend half your time wondering how you managed to bag him because he could have any woman he wanted and instead he chose you. This handsome, beautiful, kind, caring man, a pro-athlete, and he chose you. Normal, little old you.

"Wrong way around, I'm the lucky one. You took a puck to the face for me, that's pretty hardcore, baby." The blood around your stitches is dry and flaky, proof that today wasn't just a dream or imaginary. Proof that his girlfriend had taken a puck to the face, survived and only vomited once, pretty hardcore.

"Didn't mean to..."

"I know...it worried me though, just glad you're okay."

His fingers caress your skin as silence over takes the two of you, just gazing at each other as each of you feel the other under your fingers. To feel the way you graze the tip of his nose, how you tug a little on his chains to bring him just an inch closer. It's grounding to have you in his hands like that, to feel your warmth, to know you're going to be fine even if he'd been scared today. The whole thing has just solidified in his mind how much he loves you, how much he'd be willing to do for you, to give up for you. That you're it for him whether you realise that or not.

You take a shuddering breath, eyes shifting away from his like you're embarrassed by what you're going to say next even as your fingers tighten around his chains and keep him close. His blue eyes fixed on you, attention unwavering and loyal.

"I was...I was scared I'd be alone...just wanted you..." Your head isn't quite as fuzzy as earlier, but you can remember it clearly. Feeling the panic at the thought that you wanted Clay but he wouldn't be there...then the joy at seeing him, the relief as he ran out in full gear except skates, socks only on his feet.

"You thought I wouldn't be there?"

"You had a game...a-and I didn't know if you'd seen it happen...thought you'd still be playing." It's like you're ashamed for thinking he wouldn't be there, and while he hates that you did, he understands why. There was no guarantee he'd have even know you were hurt, it was just by some fluke of luck, by sheer chance that he'd actually watched the puck fly into the crowd for once. Even then, in some arenas would he have even been able to tell it was you?

"They'd have had to chain me to Schmaltz to keep me on the ice, baby. Always going to be there for you, no matter what. You first. Hockey second." He means it. Hockey has been his life since he could put on a pair of skates, and he'd worked hard for it, always having to do 10 times what the bigger guys did and do it 10 times better. But, you? You're it for him you'll be it for him when he retires from hockey, when he can no longer play and that? That's worth more than a game, even a game he loves. It's practically a proposal in itself, a promise to you because he never wants you to think he'd pick the game over you, especially not when you're hurt.

"Yeah?"

"Yeah." The smile you give him is blinding, so full of love that he wants to bottle it, memorise it to keep for those bad days. For the days when they've lost a game, for the times when he needs a reminder to keep pushing, to keep going.

"Come to bed?" You try to tug him again by his chains but he unfurls your fingers gentle, one by one, smoothing over your knuckles in reassurance.

"I've got to shower baby, but I don't want to leave you alone..." The idea of taking his eyes off you, of not being able to see that you're okay for even a minute makes him feel sick.

"You smell like vomit..." You wrinkle up your nose, scrunching your face like you've only just realise that he smells. Your hands pushing on his shoulders a little, moving him away rather than closer and he can't say he blames you. Even he's over the smell now.

"That's your fault, baby."

"'m sorry..." You mumble, warmth flooding your face at the memory of throwing up on him, his hockey gear taking the brunt of it rather than the floor.

"It's okay, I'll go shower, but you'll okay if I leave you for a few minutes?"

You nod your head gently, carefully because nodding too much hurts right now. Clayton presses a quick kiss to your forehead, avoiding the swollen areas of your face before leaving you.

He's no nonsense about it all, washing with a precision and speed that would make the army consider recruiting him. He's thorough, however, skin scrubbed down until he smells like your vanilla body wash and not vomit.

Clay doesn't faff with clothes, just shoves a pair of boxers on and curls up next to you, you're already asleep, mouth open slightly, the tiniest hint of drool at the corners. Endearing. He wraps an arm around your waist, dragging you gently closer until he can curl around you like that might keep you safe from any further puck based incidents.

Clay doesn't sleep...not well at least. He spends half the night just watching you breathe, scared that if he closes his eyes something might happen. A total of 3 hours all he gets, so when the doorbell rings shrill and loud at 7am all he can do is groan loudly and burrow his face into your shoulder.

The doorbell rings again and he's swearing under his breath because if it's a sales person or a cold caller he might actually commit a crime. All he wants it to stay curled up with you, maybe get some more sleep now you seem a little perkier, eyes blinking open and more coherent than they were yesterday.

"Clay...the door." It's your worry about ignoring it that has him groaning, stretching and shoulders popping as he stumbles out of bed.

"I know, baby...stay here."

He doesn't even bother putting on clothes, just walks to the door in his boxers. Your head might still be fuzzy but you can't help the way your eyes trail over his back, the way his arse looks in his boxes, the thick set of his thighs. You're almost certain he puts an extra little saunter in his step because you're watching.

He kind of hopes whoever has disturbed his rest with his injured girlfriend gets the shock of their life seeing him open the door in just his boxers. Unfortunately, it's just Kesselring, who has seen him in his boxers more times than he can count, completely unphased.

"What're you doing here, Kess?"

"Came to check on Mrs Keller and brought a gift," The taller man holds up a little gift bag and as much as Clayton wants to slam the door in his face he doesn't, just stepping aside to let Kess in.

He leads him to you, where you're wrapped up in all the bed blankets, making yourself a little cocoon and your face brightens at seeing one of your favourite members of his team. Kess is only your favourite because he lets you go round to see the cats whenever you want, whether he's there or not. Or that's what Clayton says to ease any of that ugly little jealous side he has that occasionally rears it's head. Even knowing that Kess treats you more like a sister than anything else.

"For you Mrs Keller," Kess hands you the gift bag even as you swat at him weakly. He'd been calling you that ever since Clayton announced you were dating...the alternative wasn't much better, referring to you as the team mom because Clayton was the team dad.

"Thank you, Michael," You pull out a wad of tissue paper, unfurling it to reveal the last thing Clayton ever wanted to see.

"You brought the thing that nearly killed my girlfriend into the house?" He's actually irrationally angry at the rubber. The black has been cleaned, not a speak of your blood on it and the edge has been covered in white stick tape. In black sharpie, 'the puck-cident March 2025' has been written in Kess' chicken scratch handwriting.

"Kells, it's a puck."

"It nearly killed my girlfriend. It's evil." He sneers at the inanimate object in your hands.

"Clay," you're laughing at him, giggling at the way he glares at a piece of rubber, "It's sweet...Michael, it's very sweet." You turn to the taller man, smiling up at him because it is thoughtful in a weird sort of hockey logic way. To bring you the puck that gave you 14 stitches, like it was some gaming winning puck you scored with.

"Well, figured you might want a souvenir from your puck-cident," Kess grins at both you, the pun so bad that Clayton and yourself are both groaning at him.

Clayton pointing to the door, this time with humour in voice, head shaking, "Out! That was so fucking bad, man!"

"I'm going, cap, Jesus! A guy can't do anything nice these days! What a pucking crime!"

"Kess!"

[mymoshangthoughts]

new thoughts i am having lol

body-sharing svsss!mobei-jun and pidw!mobei-jun

now obviously, these two are the same person with basically the same freaking personality lol, so it's not exactly the conflict of "why are you trying to make me do something i would never do" as it would be for like og!qinghua and airplane or smth like that, rather, it's the conflict of:

life experience changing goals. there's obviously the broader shit. pidw!mobei having been a general of an army focused on conquest of both realms vs svsss!mobei having a comparatively peaceful life would mean one of them is liable to have war related ptsd issues and the other is overly naive with regards to things like war and conquest. so their ideals on how to run a kingdom would differ based on those matters. pidw!mobei would be keener on diplomacy when possible, but far more cut-throat when diplomacy fell through. in contrast, svsss!mobei is spoiled and throws around his weight more and thinks little of diplomacy. but when diplomacy fails, he's not quite as prepared for the full consequences of his arrogance. hilariously, pidw!mobei is actually more likely to have a human-friendly reign and be a lot more savvy of human customs. junshang would have had literally HUNDREDS of human brides and idk if you noticed but binghe isnt exactly understanding of his minions screwing up around his romantic partners. so pidw!mobei would have to learn how to ensure half of the harem is treated well and also deal with treaties that junshang carelessly made with this human settlement or that human settlement. after awhile, it all just bleeds together and the realms are combined so tbh he no longer can be paid to give a fuck about whether someone is human or demon. in contrast, svsss!mobei is essentially only familiar with airplane and only attached to airplane. he doesnt have any real reasons to interact with consort shen, separate from how there were hundreds of harem members who needed minding and protecting even when junshang was busy acquiring a new bride, and his dealings with the human realm are comparably sparse. so whereas svsss!mobei might be like "oh theres a famine in the western region of my kingdom, is there someone i can stab about it?", pidw!mobei is more liable to be like "/sigh/ open trade routes with human settlement on the north-western border, they specialize in grains that are suitable for demonic digestion". HOWEVER, svsss!mobei has a far more open heart (less betrayal, war, ptsd, loss, etc) and is also a lot more keen to listen to airplane. so things that airplane has said over the years have generally rubbed off on him. so sometimes he's prone to do things "the airplane way" without even thinking. like more devious and under-handed tactics than his counterpart might have thought of. it would make for an interesting combo is all im saying >:D and delicious internal conflict

romantic feelings >:D ngl, i kinda like the idea of pidw!mobei having a Thing for binghe. so if he's transported into a world where binghe is GAY, like, wtf, YOU MEAN HE MIGHT HAVE A SHOT WITH HIS LIEGE??? and the binghe he knows is poly as fuck. so he would have every reason to believe that so long as binghe is open to men, he'd be open to having a harem of men. so whereas our svsss!mobei is obsessed with qinghua, pidw!mobei is about to get them killed by hitting on junshang badly x'D. pidw!mobei never thought anything much of og!qinghua bc the dude was basically an npc to him, so he cannot fathom why svsss!mobei is so enthralled with him... until he starts to get it. altho he has STRONG suspicions that og!qinghua and airplane!qinghua are straight up different people. the differences between them are too vast. like, bingmei and bingge are clearly different, but they're still noticeably the same guy. pidw!mobei can look at him and recognize "yeah thats the guy im hopelessly crushing on alright". similar hobbies, motivations, way of thinking and problem solving, mannerisms, and just plain the same guy, albeit with a different life. pidw!mobei can also look at his svsss counterpart and be like "yeah, thats me, a dumber me, but thats def me". but airplane? that dude is NOT og!qinghua. pidw!mobei might not have cared about the dude or spent that much time with him, but the same could be said for sha hualing and he would have easily recognized if literally all of her mannerisms, personality, hobbies, and general existence changed 100% into a different person. so, at first he's paying attention to airplane bc svsss!mobei is paying attention to airplane and he's lowkey like "oki why are you interested in /that thing/ when JUNSHANG IS RIGHT THERE!!! HAVE YOU LOOKED INTO THOSE EYES?!?! THOSE PECS?! THE ADORABLE WAY HE COOKS FOR THE PEOPLE HE LOVES?!?!? ARE YOU BLIND?! WHAT COULD YOU POSSIBLY LIKE ABT THE RAT????" but then when he pays attention he's like "no fr wait holdup that aint fucking qinghua" and now he has a mystery to solve and while he's intent on solving that mystery, he's forced to notice the stuff that svsss!mobei finds so enchanting about airplane. things that are actually quite similar to junshang in places (both mobei's have to acknowledge they have a "type") and just stuff wholly his own that is interesting. BUT ANYWAY, prior to pidw!mobei seeing the appeal of the all mighty hamster god, we have the hilarity of two mobei's in one body just like "no ew why do you like HIM, we are not doing that" (svsss!mobei miiiiggghhhtt have been interested in bingmei.... except watching a guy fawn over a corpse for 5 years can really kill the romance. necrophilia ain't hot, junshang. at least not to mobei pfff)

older vs younger >:D. pidw!mobei, if far enough along in the plot, would be significantly older than svsss!mobei and thus he has to deal with the cringe of "ohno why did i used to do that? did i think it was cool? ohgoddammit noooooo" and svsss!mobei has to deal with pidw!mobei being more of a fuddy-duddy who keeps judging him as being immature and "too young to know whats good for him" and all that sort of shit and look, mobei's of any kind do not like being condescended at ok

anyway my broader point is that i desperately want to see these sorts of conflicts with a body sharing situation between them and my brain is fizzling with each delicious idea for how they could argue

im thinking currently of a body sharing situation where they have to wrestle for control of the body and whoever has the stronger will-power of any given moment is usually able to gain control of it. but at all times, the other one is in the back watching and commenting and criticizing (albeit in a mobei jun sort of way) and so you could have svsss!mobei trying to deal with some complicated political situation with pidw!mobei in his head like "omg you're so fucking dumb, here let me take control" and svsss!mobei is like "no fuckyou stop distracting me" and so on and so forth >:D. even more hilarious when its like pidw!mobei over like "gonna shoot my shot with junshang!" and svsss!mobei is just "what are you doing... WHAT ARE YOU DOING ARE YOU CRAZY OR STUPID" and yeah >:D

then eventually, when they get on the same page on "airplanes are hot actually" it's the jealous competition of WHO can seduce airplane properly >:D. pidw!mobei is naturally better equipped to actually know what a human likes and how to handle the situation. but also because his behavior is odd coming from svsss!mobei, it's easily misunderstood. conversely, svsss!mobei has years of knowledge of airplane based facts to help him know what airplane likes as an individual, rather than broadly as a 'human'. so that gives him a bit of an edge. the competition is FIERCE and airplane literally could not be more confused over what the fuck mobei is doing and why he sometimes seems to be... jealous of himself??????

[marshmallowgoop]

My @heishinvalentineexchange2025 gift for the immensely kind and patient @caliowl333, who graciously allowed me to participate with a video instead of fic or art! (And wrote me a 20,000+-word piece in exchange?! Oh my goodness!)

Song is the SadBois & NIO Remix of "Other Side" by ILLENIUM, featuring Vera Blue, which you can listen to in full here. Ramblings under the cut!

When I first began seriously video editing, I didn't think much about composition or how well clips flowed together—lyric sync was arguably my main goal, and anime pieces were thrown onto the timeline pretty much purely based on that.

Now, I put much more care into the very visual elements—the effects, the match cuts, the dazzle. But in the process, I fear that I'm losing what audiences found engaging about my early videos: the actual ideas.

So, for this AMV, I aimed to put the most effort into a strong concept. The titular "other side" is a world without the Black Organization, where Shinichi can freely be himself. Heiji is waiting for that world, where he no longer has to lie and pat Conan's head and pretend that they're not peers, and Shinichi is dreaming of that world because he's always dreamed of working with somebody just like him. The thought of meeting Heiji someday, when he first learns of his existence (Episode 490), fills Shinichi with excitement. He does a lot on his own, but he also loves working on a team—and doing so, being with people, sharing his enthusiasm with others—is what he wants more than anything.

(Heck, there's even a piece of official art called "Conan's Dream Vacation" where he dreams of playing beach volleyball with Heiji and Ran and Kazuha—as himself.)

Sure, you could argue that Shinichi simply enjoys working with Heiji as Conan because Heiji treats him as he truly is. But the times he spends as Shinichi with Heiji point to the fact that no, he just really likes deducting with Heiji. Eagerness, big smiles—in "The Scarlet School Trip" (Episodes 927-928), involving Heiji in the case of the day takes precedence over solving it himself, as he immediately shares what he knows and even jostles Heiji awake when he learns more, before doing anything else, because there's no way he's going to solve it alone. He doesn't want to.

But as things are, being Shinichi is pain. He takes an antidote, but it's poison. Being Conan is what's become "normal" and "comfortable," but Conan can't be what Shinichi is to Heiji. Conan isn't strong enough to catch Heiji when he's falling. Conan can't save him from bullets. Conan can't even talk to him naturally without hiding and secrets. His dreams have become nightmares.

And it can't be easy for Heiji, either. To see someone you care about suffering. To know that Shinichi is in a dangerous situation—and involving himself in it applies that same danger to himself. It'd make sense for Heiji to walk away and wash his hands of it... but Shinichi really wants him to stay. Despite everything, he wants Heiji to stay. For that someday when they can be true partners "on the other side."

I tried to say other things in here, too. Shinichi cementing himself as a precious person to Heiji by countering his insecurities with a one truth prevails and this isn't a competition and you don't have to prove yourself to me. Heiji finding Shinichi even after becoming Conan because he'll always find Shinichi, no matter what, because he's dreaming of being "on the other side," too (even if he didn't know it initially). Shinichi pushing Heiji away with coldness because maybe it's selfish to want him to stay, maybe it's cruelty to involve him, but he can't deny that he cares, that he wants Heiji with him, that he doesn't want to do this on his own.

And while I maybe still went a little ham on the effects, I do hope my ideas are the strongest of all! "No effects" versus effects comparison can be found here!

Thank you again for all your hard work organizing this event, Cali!!

[yunwangja]

sooo... haikyuu boys as long distance bfs headcanons what r u thinkinggg. (tbh anyone js PLS include hinata im so down badddd) IDEK IF U TAKE REQUESTS IM SORRY i js had dis thought

ur wish is my command !!! okay here are my own hq headcanons. note that this is what i just imagine in my head, idk if i’ll be out of character at some point. also, this is like a city-away type of long distance okay? lol!

i hope you guys like it !!!

i’ll start with 3 characters (which are all from karasuno) but i will make other parts! if u guys want to request a character just comment them down or send an ask <3

i excluded kuroo and kageyama because you can read my completed smaus to know #marketing

hq: long distance bf headcanons

hinata, tsukishima, sugawara

hinata shoyo

u guys bonded over a common interest online and would meet up w e/o occasionally

was completely unaware of what was going on before you got together

when you confessed on chat he had a big question mark on his head. “wait” “what?” “that was flirting?”

he’d always think of u as a best friend but after thinking about it when u confessed, he realized what he felt for you. “let’s date then! that’s what we should do, right?”

such a cutie bf! a golden retriever bf.

he’d ask bf tips from ryu, his “successful senpai” and ofc i think u know how that would go

on your first monthsary he surprised you and shipped a box of goodies and some couple items (a shirt, a bracelet, and a cap) with as per ryu’s advice of course.

since u guys are long distance you occasionally meet up for dates at least once every month. and it’s ALWAYS something productive.

there’s just always an activity. he always makes it a point to make the most our of the quality time you have together!

if both of you are too lazy to think he’ll just teach you volleyball lol

was so nervous to start being physically affectionate with you. esp since u guys don’t meet up a lot. he was SHAKING when he first held your hand. AND HE WAS SO FLUSHED WHEN YOU GUYS WALKED HAND IN HAND IN PANIC IM CRYING JUST THINKING ABOUT IT

once you got comfortable being affectionate he was such a soft boy and a yearner!!!! he started to really enjoy getting pats from you and getting complimented.

after a match, whether it was practice or official, he would flood you with messages on how it went and would always wait for when you’re available to call!

calls you “babi”. like literally, ba-bi. he thinks it’s cute.

love language is sending you tiktoks, making you do couple tiktoks with him, and scrolling on tiktok while you guys are cuddling on the couch.

loves to discuss “what if” scenarios with you. literally things like “what if we met rihanna while eating at subway” (yeah like thats possible)

not that he overthinks but he’s just always asks you why you like him. more like, curiosity. because sometimes he be just analyzing volleyball matches and you think he’s hot. he wonders why you think that way.

he just constantly wonders what you found in him to like him romantically. maybe because before getting feelings for you, he was just very focused on his own goals.

R U GETTING ME??? like i think it wouldve been hard for him to think of himself as romantically attractive esp at the beginning

he’s very thankful that u think that way though !!! he always gives u the credit when it comes to being where the two of u are now

nonetheless though, as the two of you spend more time and be completely part of each other’s lives, he is happy to have you and loves you really well

tsukishima kei

u guys met at a concert one day and connected online. he asked for ur ig because u looked cute (he didnt say that of course)

i think that if he’s in a rs and ur his gf, there’s a side that only you could see.

there are ways he would act with you in private that he wouldnt dare do when anybody else is around. just like being very intimate or sincere (lol)

but he will still let everybody know you’re his gf. when u meet up he’d put his waist around you all the time and give guys around you a glare

he rarely posts pics of you two together. it’s mostly just YOU.

he has pics of the two of you of course but he never shows it to anyone except you, he thinks its a “for our eyes only” type of thing.

i don’t think he’d be a jealous bf though. he just likes to intimidate them, and just setting his place lol

when he confessed he FLOODED u with messages like “okay don’t over react.” “i like you.” “i don’t expect anything, just do what you want.” “don’t make a big deal of this, okay?” “yams told me it was but it’s not.” “so just don’t, okay?”

just imagine how he was when you said you felt the same LMAO he almost dropped his phone!

he used to hate video calls but learned to love them because of you because he’d rather see your face than just chat you

he’s competitive. especially with roasts. he loves to roast you then you try to fight back but he never backs down. both of you never take it seriously though, it’s a love language

loves to send you playlists or songs that he likes during the time

dates are very much chill, mostly just going to a cafe or such. he says travelling is already tiring so he doesnt want to do something that requires lots of energy

(he is very motivated when he commutes for a date with you though)

you guys like to go to concerts too, but he insists always getting a reserved seat (and not standing) because it’s such a hassle.

he doesnt tell you but a dream date of his for the both of you is a roadtrip. he wants to drive you somewhere a bit far, but he’ll bring it up soon when he can actually do that already lol

he also has a personality of just randomly going to your city if he misses you too much

he’ll just call you and ask you to check outside ur window and he’s there holding up some snacks.

“hurry up its getting cold”

this happens mostly during night though

the train station always closes on him so he just stays over til the morning (it was his grand plan all along)

a very good listener. whenever you go to him and share a problem, first thing he asks is, “do you want me to cheer you up or give you advice?”

i think it’s like a thing he does because if you really need more empathy (bc he can be bad at showing it sometimes?) he’ll really focus his energy on doing that, but if you want him to help, he’ll do that instead.

it’s his way of trying to understand and take care of u better!

sugawara koushi

(read faultline, it’s my ongoing smau thank you)

now with suga i’d like to think there was intention RIGHT from the start.

u guys met through a common friend! suga saw you in one of your pictures with them and got curious.

ur friend told u and ur like okay gimme his ig ;) you did NOT care that he was from another city and you’d probably be long distance.

after weeks of talking he wanted to confess properly in person, so he asked you out and officially got together!

N-E-WAY he is just a gentleman a big green flag <3

he cant see you every single day BUT he promised that every friday, he would go to your city and pick you up after univ/work. like ALWAYS. he made it a point to see you every week and he has never failed.

HE CALLS YOU DARLING!

he loves pinching your cheeks and ruffling your hair

he gets along really well with your friends, too

when he gets to tag along at hang outs he is such a good talker but he secretly flirts with you and you always tell him to shut up

my point is he has a duality. and its crazy

my man believes in enthusiastic consent. at the start of ur relationship he would always ask you, “is it okay for me to do this?” when doing something new with you

u know during ur first kiss he asked u that and u were like, “please, don’t ask me again the next time.”

one thing he doesnt ask permission with though is doing video calls. it’s just a given to him that every night he’ll call you. you’ll most probably pick up

ofc if u dont its no biggy lol what i mean is just it’s an automatic thing for him to do once he’s done with his day

he loves watching movies! you’d party stream a movie online then discuss them and really analyze everything lol

he loves going on museum dates or the like when you both have the time. he loves going to explore new things and getting to know more about… stuff… with you! (LOL I KINDA LOST IT THERE)

kinda a worrier! but he just always needs reassurance that ur fine

laughs at you when ur mad because he thinks you’re cute! when it’s not anything serious and you frown, he always finds it adorable

ready to RIOT when someone hurts you ! he becomes a different person when it comes to that

if someone did you wrong he is cold and unforgiving. u r lowkey scared urself but you’re also not coz he’s ur man and YES GO SUGA! (ok im sorry my inner voices)

a planner. when you got in a comfortable, secure place in ur rs he started discussing his future and how you fit into it

he always asks what you think, and its never an unpleasant or pressuring conversation

part of that is when u get married he wants to invest in a house at the countryside so you guys can grow old together there <3 so cute

[atamascolily]

I found Inu Curry's commentary on the "Prologue in Heaven" shot that haunts me, and it only raised more questions. I don't know what I expected.

Here is what it says as best as I can make out with my fledgling Japanese and a bunch of online references:

逆 さまにった街と穴があいた���。 The upside-down city and the hole in the opened[?] sky.

"Upside-down city" seemingly refers to Walpurgisnacht's goal of turning Mitakihara upside-down both literally and metaphorically by ripping the buildings off their foundations and making them hover in mid-air. It's a little difficult to see in the above sketch, but the finished film version is a little brighter so you can see the buildings in the upper corners.

However, what is "upside-down" depends on our perspective. Is the city upside down because Walpurgisnacht has made it that way, or because we, the audience, are viewing an upside-down image? This is another way in which Walpurgisnacht messes with our heads and confuses our ideas of what constitutes reality.

As for the second part of the sentence, there are a couple of different past tense constructions that are pronounced "aita" (あいた), and I'm not sure which is applicable in this situation because this phrase is written in hiragana. In this context, I'm guessing 開いた ("opened", "emptied") which has considerable overlap with 空いた, with the latter using the same kanji for 空 ("sky") and therefore creating a pun.

空 is a complex character with a lot of meanings, and I think it is doing a lot of load-bearing here, but for now I'll also note the contrast with 穴, which means "hole" in the sense of "cave" or "being underground". Earth and sky might seem like total opposites but given that 空 can also mean "emptiness" or "void", they simultaneously have a lot in common, to the point where 空 even includes the 穴 radical in it.

All this is to say, it feels like there's a lot going on in this line, and I still have a lot of questions. Still, it seems like we have a distinct contrast between the inverted (solid, material) city and the (intangible) "hole in the sky", which might refer to the black circular void at the center of Walpurgisnacht's mandala, which appears to be drawing everything up towards it.

逆 さまの山の頂にワルプルギスの後光。 Walpurgisnacht's halo on the upside-down mountain's peak

Once again we have a juxtaposition between two things, one of which is inverted, but this one is a little more straightforward straightforward, in that the halo is right there and the original Walpurgisnacht celebration was said to take place on Mount Brocken in Germany. And indeed, if you flip the image upside-down, it's much easier to see the "mountain" in this image--the pyramidal shadow upon which the witch's mandala now appears to be resting.

From this perspective, it looks very much like another drawing in the production note of Madoka's witch Kriemhild Gretchen reaching up to the heavens with Walpurgisnacht hovering overhead for scale [as explained in the two boxes immediately above the drawing].

This page is also the source of the famous Inu Curry quote that Walpurgisnacht and Gretchen are like two halves of an hourglass (bottom text), another statement that makes me want to gnaw on the furniture every time I think about it. Why would you do this if there wasn't supposed to be some connection between them??! And why an hourglass, given its associations with one character (Homura) in particular?

This is why I have always interpreted this shot as Walpurgisnacht and Gretchen together in "Heaven", which raises all kinds of fascinating metatexual questions like, "Why did Inu Curry et al. decide to open with this particular image?" and "Is this a frame narrative implying that the entire story is a performance by Walpurgisnacht?" and "If so, why would Walpurgisnacht be its narrator?", etc, etc.

Of course one very obvious answer to all of these questions is "Walpurgisnacht is somehow Homura and the story she is retelling is the story of how she and Madoka came to be united as super-witches in 'heaven' and everything we take as 'real' in-universe is actually inside her labyrinth and has been a staged production from the beginning", but at this point, that's all heavily speculative at best. (It doesn't hurt that the white glare resembles a vinyl record in motion, records are a recurring motif that go round and round, hourglasses are associated with Homura, etc, etc-- but I digress.)

Another is, "Inu Curry thought it looked cool and it's something that may never be fully explained, just like the anime's ending with Homura in the desert and the black wings isn't really explained in Rebellion", which may be correct but would be disappointing in a series where every other detail means something. Also, after a close study of Rebellion, it's clear that Inu Curry doesn't generally do random details--anything that's there has a meaning, even if only to Inu Curry, even if it's not fully elaborated or expanded upon in the finished film or in the production notes. So that seems like it might have happened here as well with this scene--that it's meant to represent something that wasn't ultimately developed in the final version.

It could also be that Inu Curry believes that Homura and Walpurgisnacht are connected, but that doesn't necessarily translate to the script that Gen Urobuchi wrote and so remains ambiguous and unspoken visual subtext. Or this could be something from an earlier draft that stayed in while other things got changed, so its original meaning is no longer relevant.

However, given that in the Rebellion Production Note, Inu Curry associates Homulilly, the "Witch of the Mortal World/Near Shore" with "color" (used in a Buddhist sense to mean form/matter) and Madokami with its opposite, emptiness (which also uses the same character for sky, 空) then it's possible that Walpurgisnacht is the upside-down city and Gretchen is the hole in the sky. This is admittedly a convoluted chain of logic that only works if you assume Homura is Walpurgisnacht, but given that Inu Curry created both of these juxtapositions in the first place, I can't immediately rule it out. Symbols and motifs evolve and change over time (or could mean two different things at once) and Walpurgisnacht is certainly "upside down"; if her labyrinth does contain Mitakihara, well, that's an upside-down city right there. But like I said, this is all purely speculative at this point.

That said, Inu Curry was clearly thinking along similar lines at one point, because an early draft for Walpurgisnacht in the anime production note shows Walpurgisnacht as a "stage" with buildings on it:

(If you're wondering why it's a bubble, it's because in Inu Curry's first drafts, the labyrinths were all spheres with fixed dimensions, which did not carry over to the final version.)

In Walpurgisnacht's final design in the anime, the stage became a giant cog, while the original gears at the base were replaced by the doll body, but at one point, the witch was indeed a city, or a facsimile of one. Her labyrinth disappeared because she is ostensibly too strong to "need" one, but her official goal is to turn the entire world into a drama nonetheless--which, as I read it, means making the entire world her labyrinth and erasing the distinctions between "reality" and "fantasy" entirely.

And given that Rebellion features Homulilly, a witch whose labyrinth takes the form of a city, and that city is initially indistinguishable from the "real" thing--and ends with said labyrinth seemingly encompassing the entire universe--the stage is now set for more reality-bending revelations in Walpurgis no Kaiten from one or both entities with overlapping thematic motifs.

Of course, how much of any of this will end up carrying over to subsequent installments is an open question, but I'm definitely watching closely to see where this ends up going. Since the title and at least the first trailer for Walpurgis no Kaiten suggest that Walpurgisnacht will return and her mysteries will be revealed, I'm hoping we'll finally learn what this cryptic "shot "Prologue in Heaven" shot and its description actually mean--even though I'm also bracing myself in case it ultimately remains unexplained.

[raine-dance]

Tbh Red vs Blue didn't really intend to lean too far into the dissociative lens with Leonard Church as far as I can tell. He's an AI that's a reconstruction of a real person, through the use of brain-mapping technology. Church, the AI, became a system through... conventional traumatic means, and that's almost where they leave it in terms of direct reference to the disorder. But it's still interesting to look at things within that lens, and while I do eventually intend to collect my thoughts into a video essay, I think I'd like to share one train of thought here because I think it's legitimately interesting.

Everyone knows about the cliché of the murderous alter. Red vs Blue's most notable example is Sigma. Now I know that on this sentence alone, many would criticise me calling Church the best DID representation I've seen in media, especially given that they also misnomer the disorder as MPD, but I think Sigma is the most interesting example of the trope, because he actually has something to say about the treatment of those with dissociative disorders.

For one, I think that character context is important. Church (as in Alpha) was created to be a murder machine - the Director would force Church to split and extract the new split into its own AI unit, given to Freelancers with the express purpose of making them more effective soldiers. Almost everyone in the series is a killer, although some are more effective than others, and nowhere is this description more applicable than Project Freelancer.

With that in mind, the Freelancers were given seminars on the workings of AI - in the series, an AI fragment might try to "metastabilise," or reconnect with other fragments of the same AI, to achieve a sense of wholeness. If I recall, AI were supposed to remain inactive for these seminars, but Agent Maine was fond of Sigma due to Sigma's ability to act as a mouthpiece for him after an injury, and Sigma was made aware of the concept of "metastability." As such, he decided that he wanted to achieve metastability, and this decision kicks off the vast majority of RvB's plot.

There are many things getting in the way of Sigma's plan, however, and first and foremost is the fact that all of the other AI fragments have been allotted to other Freelancer agents. While there may have been a conflict of interest for Maine, Sigma had a clear goal in mind, and was ultimately conditioned to achieve it - the AI units were made to kill, and this is a large part of why he proceeds with his plan.

So, why am I mentioning this? I'm not just here to defend this writing decision, I said this plotline had something to say about the treatment of systems, and it does, either intentionally, or, more likely, not - first, it deals with how the world surrounding systems form how they react to the issues the world involves them in, something that is true of not only us, but of everyone. Second, it challenges the idea that final fusion is the healthiest and only acceptable treatment for systems.

The only reason Sigma strives for something analogous to final fusion is because he was told by someone who should be an expert that this is the only way forward for him. The only way to achieve, in direct quote, "humanity," a goal he had already been striving for. And the tragic thing is that he believed that this was the case when the viewer looking at the show through a dissociative lens already knows it isn't, both in real life, and in the series.

Church, as in the Alpha AI, and later Epsilon, is one of the most human characters in the show. He's a lot of things - a bit arrogant, very brash, and often pissed off, but he cares about his friends, and does everything in his power to help them succeed, even sacrificing himself as Epsilon for them. He was human once, and as an AI, is a reconstruction of that former humanity, and he still manages to retain it. As Epsilon, he achieves functional multiplicity until the plot forces him to go through final fusion to save his friends, and the act, in the timeline of Seasons 15-18, at least, literally kills him.

The treatment of systems matters so much to me. And despite starting out as a crass comedy show about the shittiest soldiers in the galaxy, with the relevant seasons having released 13 years ago, the series still manages to treat us with more respect and challenge more issues relating to how society treats us than most, if not all media that deems us interesting enough to be plot-relevant does now. I have a lot of thoughts about it all, and whenever I feel like it, I'll probably write more about it. Thanks for reading, if you did make it this far, I'm just rambling and all, but if this matters even half as much to someone else as it does to me, that makes me happy.

[rosieuv]

Chrysalis in Miraculous is so much cooler than Hawk Moth

This isn't opinion anymore: pretty much everyone agrees she's a much better villain. There's only 4 episodes of season 6 out as of me typing this but god damn she has such a cool vibe to her.

First, her design:

Some promotional art I found on miraculous.to.

Her scene from "Daddycop".

I love how glittery and, I was going to say "whispery" but that doesn't make much sense. I like how she flows like air in her animations, essentially. The segments where she's talking to her victims feel more impactful with the purple void as it really does feel like she's inside their head. With Hawk Moth it feels like they're talking on the phone using the mask thingy as a signal. I suppose they did this as a budget thing as I dread to think how many polygons are in these season 6 scenes.

The Skype call about bullying 2 teenagers into giving up their magic jewellery.

She doesn't look as cool in the chair though. I think it's because it shows that her design is pretty basic. It works in the void as she blends in with the outline making her silhouette, but I think she'll look cooler if she had a more elaborate design when in full form. Also the chair is blending into her.

Next is the way she communicates with her victims:

She always says: "Hello, forgive my intrusion but..."

I've also noticed that what voice she uses as the dominant one seems to shift slightly depending on what tone of voice she's using. I think the clearest example is how she uses the lower voice more with Maya and the higher voice more with Sabrina's dad (I can't remember his name). She also talks more softly in the former and more confidently in the latter. It's not super obvious on the first watch, but it's a neat detail.

I hope the copyright overlords have mercy with me lol.

When Hawk Moth communicates with his victims: he treats it like a business exchange. This fits his personality and it makes sense considering he's a famous fashion designer so this would seem like the most natural approach. However, Chrysalis communicates like a toxic friend that you don't know is actually using you. She boosts the ego of her victims, acknowledges the situation they're in, and offers to give them the power to fix that situation.

Here's a breakdown from a transcription I made in that section of "The Illustrhater":

"Hello Maya. Forgive my intrusion but I seem to feel a huge disappointment. No one is interested in your drawings when they're so pretty! Do you feel ignored? Like no one sees you?" *sniffles* "Yes. It's no fair!" "I think I know what would be fitting: for no one to be able to ignore your drawings anymore. I can give you this power...only if you agree, of course." *gasps* "Yes!" "And what should I call you?" "The Illustrhater!"

"Forgive my intrusion"

This being the first thing she says, along with a greeting, presents herself as humble and polite. This means Maya is more willing to listen to her.

"No one is interested in your drawings when they're so pretty!"

Boosting the ego of Maya to show that she's not like the others and presents this face of care. This also makes Maya more willing to listen to her request.

"Do you feel ignored? Like no one sees you?"

Acknowledging Maya's feelings and her situation but using it in the form of questions to make it feel more personal as a conversation, rather than a speech.

"I think I know what would be fitting: for no one to be able to ignore your drawings anymore."

She presents a solution to that problem, which Maya is now interested in and can trust Chrysalis because she can relate to Maya's struggle.

"only if you agree, of course."

This makes Maya think her akumatisation is her choice and Chrysalis is just a friend helping her achieve her goal. At this point, Maya has no reason to believe that she's actually just using her as she offered to fix her problem and seems to be doing it out of good will. Obviously this is just a trick as she was planning on using Maya all along to get the Miraculous, but she only mentions that she wants the Miraculous when Ladybug and the others are trying to interrogate her. She threatens to take her powers away if she tells Ladybug anything about her. This makes Maya feel bad because she's annoyed her supposed ally, so she feels more compelled to fufill her request, as a form of apology. It's really manipulative and it works so well considering what we know about Cerise/Lila/whatever her name actually is.

She also lets Maya pick her own name, adding onto the point about her making it seem like it's completely her choice.

Hawk Moth is a lot more straightforward most of the time. There are instances where he seems more manipulative, such as in "The Evilustrator", which is essentially like the abridged version of the transcription above from a salesman. He picks out the name for his victims and in instances like in the season 4 episode "Simpleman" he'll try out multiple names if they don't like it, but he still portrays a more controlling persona. Sometimes he doesn't mention that he wants the Miraculous in the first instance, but then mentions it when the heroes show up, but he makes it pretty clear from the beginning that he's doing it as part of an exchange, rather than because he felt like being nice.

Here's an example from the season 2 episode "Reverser":

"Reverser, I am Hawk Moth. You've been accused of pretending to be someone you're not, so from now on, no one will be who they claim to be. I'm giving you the power to invert anyone: the strong will become weak, the brave will become cowards and the kind will become mean! In return, you will seize Ladybug and Cat Noir's miraculous for me!" "Nothing will be the same for me anymore, Hawk Moth!"

This is pretty typical for one of his speeches:

Uses the name at the begining

Introduces himself by name

Gives an overview of the power he's giving them

Mentions that this is a deal in some way, shape or form and he wants the miraculous

Essentially he's saying "ha bitch! got ya consious! i'm gonna give ya all these powers now but gimmie these jewellery wherever you like it or not!"

It works in the earlier seasons, especially season 1, where the plots are more straightforward and simple due to the demographic not being full of teenagers yet, and also for the heroes so they can fight an easier villain while they still learn.

Lastly is her vibe:

She's a lot more threatening than Hawk Moth ever was, mainly because she's actually competent. Like, the first thing she did with the butterfly miraculous was akumatise herself, give herself time travel powers, go back in time and figure out who Ladybug is so she can re-akumatise herself as a ghost to nick Marinette's earrings and ring when she's asleep. The first thing Hawk Moth did was akumatise Ivan (who was made fun of something on a piece of paper, I don't exactly remember) into some rock monster that isn't too difficult to beat due to his main strength being his size and that's really it. The difference is amazing.

She's also a lot more mysterious, and this would be really handy if episode 1 was released first instead of 2, as currently we don't know how the others even found out about Chrysalis. In fact, I have no idea how the wiki even got her name as I don't think it's been stated in episode yet. Unlike Hawk Moth, who very much made his presence known, I assume out of cockiness, Chrysalis very much wants to blend into the crowd and have as little known about her as possible. That's why she uses multiple voices. That's why she has an androgynous design when using the miraculous. She wants to make it as annoying as possible for Ladybug to find out anything about her and this adds to her threatening vibe as she really could be anywhere and that makes it so much harder for Ladybug to track her down.

The head of himself he made out of butterflies in "Origins Part 2".

She also makes Nooroo unable to communicate because he just can't get any good owners, damn. And all the books in her lair make her look a bit insane but also shows that she's planning her tactics instead of just going "oh my god! somebody's mad! be right back!"

Personal theory:

This is just speculation as there's not much known about Chrysalis other than she's Cerise/Lila/whatever her actual name is, she hates Nooroo for some reason, she likes notebooks, she probably got a whole new makeover as she appeared in the London special but not really as her normal self in season 6, her base is underground (I think) and she wants to use them to grant a wish.

My theory is that she was a spy working in some organisation and was raised from a young age on how to lie and manipulate people. That's why she does it as Lila and as Chrysalis: it's just second nature to her.

I got this off the wiki so don't blame the messenger if this is inaccurate as I haven't rewatched the entire show from start to finish but apparently she has at least 3 different identities and she's enrolled in 2 different schools for whatever reason.

My theory is that she did this for some reason dictated by the organisation but once she found out about the butterfly miraculous, started going off her orders and by season 5, she's just doing whatever. That's my theory as to why her base is underground and why she's so secretive as Chrysalis: perhaps they're trying to look for her and her wish is something relating to the organisation, such as becoming the leader of it as I doubt the writers will make it a personal wish as they already did that with Gabriel.

Anyway, ramble over.

[thebiscuitlabryinth]

First and foremost, Welcome back!! I'm so happy to see and hear from you again!!!

Secondly, I'm curious since you said you've been writing a very long time, but do you have any tips for less experienced writers(like myself)? Your writing is incredible and has frankly inspired me to try my hand at it, but figuring out where to start is proving to be a challenge for me..

I'm happy to be here!! I'm not sure how helpful my tips will be, since i've never been asked for advice before and i never kept strict tabs on my own development, but i'll do my best!!

The first hurdle is always finding motivation and inspiration to write, and unfortunately that hurdle will always pop up regardless of how long you've been writing. The only tip I can give for that is to write for yourself! I've said it before, but my driving force for writing is usually because I want to read it back myself. Specifically, I mean this in terms of concepts, AUs - anything you get an idea for, even if it's silly or self-indulgent, go for it! Writing fanfics is a great way to develop writing skills, partly because you already have character templates to work with so you can focus on the act of writing itself rather than crafting a whole new character, and partly because you're usually already pretty passionate about it right off the bat! Plus, as long as the fandom isn't too small, there's always other fans to draw inspiration from.

It's gonna feel clunky and that's okay! A lot of my earliest works were collections of short scenes cobbled together with a dozen scene breaks - elegant transitions can come later. The most important thing is to write at all, and get comfortable with using the language. The overarching flow is secondary to the individual scene.

Similarly, don't set the bar too high in terms of length or complexity or you'll get discouraged. Writing stamina is something you have to build up! I started off barely managing to write one-shots of 1,000 words at most, and now I'm capable of novel-length stories. We all have to start small!

Focus on the basics to begin with. Specifically, dialogue and movement, because those are the framework of writing a scene, like how a script primarily has lines and stage movements with only brief setting and supplemental descriptions. Detailed description is fun, we all know I love it, but it stagnates if you don't have a good grasp on dialogue and action to move it forward, if that makes sense. Once you feel comfortable with them, you can play around with more elaborate description, and eventually it'll all come naturally!

Now, this one might be a more biased one since, full disclosure, I'm an English Language and Literature student, but I'll mention it anyway: develop your interest in language itself. This is just from personal experience, but I think once you start to appreciate the use of words themselves rather than just the end goal of the story, it makes you love the process of writing itself, and that, in itself, makes you keep writing! Things like vocabulary and rhythm - when I stumble on a word I really like in a passage, I'll usually reread it a couple times to remember it, and reading aloud is good for getting a sense of pacing and a sense of the words themselves. All my fics go through at least one dramatic reading by me before I consider them good to be posted! If you like a work, try and figure out what it is about the language itself you like, and then you can try and replicate it later on.

and that's all i have for now! all this said, writing is a very personal thing, so I don't think there's really a right or wrong way to do it as long as words are getting on the page. like most things involving creativity, you have to keep trying until you find a method most comfortable for you. i know that can be the most infuriating thing to hear, but all you can really do is keep pushing forward and eventually you'll get there!

[goodolddumbbanana]

Hey I came back 👋 I heard you that tsams angst is lacking? Well, here’s my angst of sun and nexus. What if new moon nexus discovered himself earlier on the TSAMS? Sun unintentionally discovered a universe where nexus gets better but WAY EARLIER in the TSAMS series. He realizes that hes not “moon” but just an AI that barely formed from the base of his code. (He is still a moon model though)

Here’s what he looks like as he is free to discover his own identity and gets the chance to experience himself without any pressure and is barely adjusting to new life. Sun as you said, thinks it’s unfair for his nexus to dream a world where he is happy and alive. He is now seeing it happen right in front of him and all he can do is nothing but hear the voices of anger and aggression of his brother he killed. His nexus died but this new moon is alive and….young . How suns new moon was young and used to look so happy after he changed, then he killed him. two parallel sides of the same coin. He wonders if their actions changed, if they changed their behaviors, how things would be different if they didn’t have the title put on them and just move forward with something else? :)))))))

Damn, imagine the amount of anguish Sun feel when seeing this Nexus.

Not only the thousands of "You didn't try harder" repeat again and again inside Sun's head, also the hunger craves to see more of this Nexus, to see more of a more happy version of his brother.

I can imagine Sun closes his eyes and numb his thoughts, and try to forget everything he knows about this dimension but fail.

I can see Sun trying to peek through their dimensions to see good Nexus, or watching their SHOW, if that dimension has one like a guilty pleasure.

"It can be your life, if you are not such a coward. If you are smarter."

It would be kinda funny if the end of Nem life is inevitable, and Sun tries to help them not to get that end. He becomes Dark Sun to them, but his goal is not to kill Moon or Nexus, his goal is keeping both Moon and Nexus from dying or going evil.

Hehe funny.

[disciplinedselfrya]

I promised I'd write a post about point #2 but I have school and things are hectic so here's the thing: Self-improvement based content - all the books and videos and tiktoks and programmes and posts that offer advice (and do not often come from actual professionals and scientists) and tell you that you can get rich/slim/happy/fulfilled/smart/successful by using some tactics or doing some things; basically, the 'how to' stuff; And unless you are extremely new on this self-improvement journey, let's agree that they are useless. They don't make you take action = they don't help you reach your goals. Note: they deliver information and this good. When you need it. But the Internet made information, wrong information get to everyone and so the girl on tiktok recommending skincare products becomes more popular and trustworthy in people's eyes than a certified dermatologist. Content that helps you connect with your goals - this is it. This is the key. The gold mine. Vlogs, books, accounts, posts that help you keep in mind what you are fighting for. I don't know how else to describe it. But have you watched a video on YT about someone's life that made you think, but in a real way: "this, this is what I want my future to look like"? Yes, if your opinion doesn't change in a a few days/weeks, this is it. Resolutions often fails because we lose our "why". We have our "how". But why are we doing it? If the vlogs/books/articles/photos remind you about your why and inspire you (but make sure it is more than just a 'now' thing - just because you like listening and watching kpop it doesn't mean you want to be a kpop idol) then you know you find it. What helped me? Focusing on the second category. I have two fitness/health influencers that I follow, another 3-4 lifestyle (travel fashion experiences routines) influencers and two study influencers. And that's all. Also, I don't watch everything they post. I know how to choose. I know how to think - I do not take everything I am given, just what I need. Do I need to find out right now or do I want to find out right now what cafes should I visit in Paris or how to study everything in 1 hour? No thank you, I have better things to do with my time. Do I want/need to know where should I go when I visit Hong Kong? Yes please give me the vlog. Somewhere, somewhen it also becomes about wants. What do you want from your future? Does the content you listen to or watch helps you get there? This is the thing. Hope this helps! I know it might sound vague, but I don't know how to explain it better. If you have questions tho, ask and I'll do my best to answer.

Things that helped me grow...

having friends that don't push my boundaries and understand my priorities;

consuming content that helps me connect with my goals instead of self-improvement based content;

understanding cravings and desires are not meant to be ignored;

realizing that health is the only aspect of your life you cannot postpone; 'I don't have to eat healthy/move my body/take care of myself' = 'I don't have time to keep myself alive for long enough';

literally allowing myself to make mistakes;

challenging myself to do 'embarrassing' things, to show up, to raise my hand in class, to start one difficult workout I cannot finish, to smile and joke with people I don't know, to ask for what I want;

learning to take advantage of everything and everyone (without causing any harm ofc) - the teacher who thinks I'm their best student, my friend who is great at biology and can teach me too, the time I have before classes start - everything and everyone;

keeping my schedule simple - health, school, my writing competition, dance classes, sleeping, time with family.

[chiimeramanticore]

waow

[parachutingkitten]

Yeah, the body of the post was kind of half of a joke. A sort of "lol, Lloyd can't seem to teach the very basic fighting techniques that you apparently just need to do a training course a couple times to master." Like, I do understand that Arin is overcoming a mental block when he's with frak, but at face value, it is kind of funny how little actually happens within the span of a couple seconds, and suddenly Arin is able to do what Lloyd couldn't train him to for like two seasons now. But the tags were definitely more sincere.

Whether or not Kai likes teaching, he did willingly do it, and seemed to find some purpose in it, at least at one point. He did successfully teach all those kids how to fight effectively, he can clearly convey how to perform techniques successfully, at scale. And the mentoring we see him do with Wyldfyre is all extremely positive and effective. I'd argue him not teaching Wyldfyre spinjitzu is a pretty great move. He recognized that pushing her too much would have her lose interest, so he doesn't put too much on her. Unlike Arin, I do think Wyldfyre learning spinjitzu by this point feels unfeasible for her (with a healthy training schedule that is). But also, I think DR Kai just seems more well rounded and mature than Lloyd. He's got life a little more figured out. Also, throughout the show he always tends to have some great advice for his peers. Even if it's not directly teaching, he just knows how to talk to people. Not to mention, he's not going to have those self confidence issues that a plaguing Lloyd. So I do think he's a viable option to become a full fledged Master, or at least in a better position to handle the responsibility than Lloyd is at this point. But, Cole is a good option too. My only hesitation there is that we haven't really seen any of his training first hand. He acts much more as a parental figure than he does a mentor.

But also, I genuinely think it would be a cool and subversive thing for the show to do, if Lloyd's arc was about realizing he doesn't need to be the one center stage. If the pressure of being a master is too much for him, then maybe he shouldn't be one. It's okay to step back. To get help from others. Maybe he isn't naturally talented at conveying tangible information, and that's okay. If he sees the team as family, maybe it's more important for him to step into that fatherly position more fully, because being both a full time teacher and a parental figure can be a very thin tightrope to manage, and certainly isn't something everyone should attempt. Like, I think it would be a really great moment of humility if Lloyd were to realize part of why he's so stressed about becoming a Master is because he's refusing to delegate any of that responsibility. His self worth is tied up in how closely he can emulate this idealized version of his uncle (an impossible standard to reach), and that's a bad thing. In some ways, if he does succeed in his goal, it would feel kind of hollow, because it's proving his paranoia about living up to expectations right. If we can get Lloyd to a point where he is comfortable passing the baton to someone else, without feeling like a failure, without it degrading his self worth, THAT (to me) would be character growth. Not to mention it would be a cool parallel if he handed the role over to Kai, because it would be a direct inverse of Kai's true potential, realizing he needed to step back and let Lloyd prove his talents, and now Lloyd gets to return the favor by letting Kai prove his. The franchise comes full circle, you know?

Maybe Lloyd just shouldn't be a master.

He's clearly not very good at it. He's been trying it since season 5, and his first real students both take FOREVER to make any progress. Sora takes a whole season to unlock her powers, but apparently isn't taught spinjitzu in any of that time- the literal first thing we see taught to any of our characters in the original show. Arin somehow makes backwards progress with Lloyd, and then after doing like three poses with his friend seems to get it instantly.

Like... seems like he's just not very good at teaching. Maybe he should hand the position over to Kai, he's got a natural knack for it, a lot more experience, and a much higher success rate as far as I'm concerned. Master Kai for the win.

[koko2unite]

so many expenses this month and most of it isnt even for me :(