#but not without acknowledging everything in it in the first place. the foundations. who you are

[heartfullofleeches]

[brief mentions of non-consensual touching]

I kinda wanna flesh out yan cheater and "cheater" reader more. Fuel up the angst. I'm thinking high school sweethearts who promised to be each other's first as they went off to college. Yan sees the whole thing with reader with another person and goes to a friend for comfort. The friend sees this as an opportunity to tear the two apart as Yan was previously going to join their band instead of a straight shot to college. A few drinks down they're kissing the first person who makes eye contact with them at the party, forgetting all about their woes and promises - and skipping town without closure or a proper goodbye to their lover.

Couple years down the line and they're now a big shot - carrying little resemblance of the person they once were. Shows sold out in every venue and a different fan on their lap every night. They all have some feature that reminds Yan of their former flame which they muddle over to the very day their paths cross again.

Their latest tour leads them to a familiar place. A town where nothing ever happened and everything stayed the same. They learn their ex is still working hard for their degree and takes night shifts at a nearby gas station. The tension is thick from the moment they walk in. They didn't even want to be there, but it was the only station in close proximity. What do you even say to someone who's caused so much heart break after all this time?

"That'll be 21.10... Cash or credit?"

That's it.... After everything you put them through. After all those nights they spent crying over you - and craving your warmth in their bed. The future that you pictured together. The life you dream of in each other's arms. You tarnished what little hope they had - and that's all you could say to them...

"A "how've you been?" would've been nice...."

"I have nothing to say to the person who abandoned me. Can't even say that much since you hardly remind me of them."

Really classy from the one who caused this mess in the first place.

"Don't act like you're free of any guilt in this... I saw you with them that day... You seemed a lot more cozy with that stranger than you ever did with me."

"Stranger, what are you...." Your eyes dart around the room as the gears in your head click. Pulling out your phone, you fight back tears as you show them a picture of that stranger. "Is this who you're talking about?...."

Please say no....

They scoff. "So you do know who I'm talking about. You still together or did you run off with someone else same as you did me?"

The sadness and pain just... vanishes. All these years, you thought you had been the problem. Made to many promises. Loved then too much or too little. From what it seemed like now - they were the one who never loved you enough.

"That's my cousin....."

They didn't hear you - they couldn't. Couldnt acknowledge that maybe...

"What?"

"That's my fucking cousin, asshole."

Everything they ever believed was the painstaking truth - was a only a cruel misunderstanding.

"We hadn't seen each other's since we were kids. Their mom had just died... I tried calling you when I got home, but you weren't there. Did you seriously think I cheated on you? And you just ran away?..."

"I....you...." Were their everything. When they saw you that night the pressure of every problem weighting down on them finally snapped. They couldn't think rationally at that time - if only if they'd put the faith in you they always prided themself in having.

"You coward...." You throw their change across the counter, adding issult to injury as you point for the door.

"Get out of my store. Get out of my life."

"Y/n, wait..please."

"I said... GET OUT!"

The foundation of their new self crumbles. After your alleged betrayal they rebuilt themselves from the ground up as an overconfident, self serving individual, but like everything else to this point - it was all a lie. There were always those days they wondered "what if". What if they had stayed. What if they had tried to fix what had broken in your relationship. Knowing the truth, those fantasies return with vengeance. The truth would've came sooner and the wounds to mend would have been lesser. You'd talk over the miscommunication and they'd apologize fully by taking you out to your favorite restaurant. You'd start school together the upcoming fall. You'd kiss and make love and enjoy fleeting youth as one. There'd always be rough patches, but in the end you always had each other.

That's how things should have been.

They spiral - crawling to the closest bar to relinquish their pain the only way they knew how beyond finding someone new to bed. The thought of sleeping with anyone that wasn't you made them nearly lose the alcohol poisoning their system. Had you been dating since then? Had you given yourself to someone? Did they make you feel loved and saved - just as they should've

By the end of the night they wound up too drunk to even stand on their own feet. The bartender asked for a number to call to have someone pick them up. They gave the only number they could remember after all these years - and intoxicated.

The drive to their hotel room is quiet. You had nothing to say while they had the world - but none of it was anything you wanted to hear. You just wanted this night to be over so you could go back to forgetting they ever existed.

You help them into their room and give them some water from the sink. Despite everything they've done, you didn't have the heart to leave them like they did you.

"Drink. You need to flush out your system. You'll probably have a headache in the morning, but that's none of my concern."

".....how many people have you slept with, Y/n?"

You place the cup on the nightstand. "This isn't the type of conversation we should have right now."

"Have you been with anyone - or are you still waiting for that special person? I've done a lot of shit I'm not proud of, but at least they've given me experience. I can make your first the best. I can make love to you better than anyone. I already know you better than they do...."

Their hands creep around your waist, hugging your midsection same as they use to on school nights when their parents forbade guests - and you crawled through their window anyway. They always held you like you meant the universe to them. You still do.

Their lips gloss over your exposed stomach as your shirt crawls upwards, heavy tears staining your skin. "Just one night. That's all I need to prove myself to you. We were made for each other. Let's forget about the past for one night and pick up where we left off. A promise is still a promise - even if it's broken.

Their fingers dip below your waistband. You immediately shove them off you and to the floor. "Are you fucking insane?! You can't forget something like what you put me through. I've been so afraid of connecting with anyone because I'm scared they'd just run off like you did. I'm finally becoming me again- and I won't let you take that back from me. Don't call me."

The door slams as you storm out - reverberations their sole companion in their misery. This is the same thing they did to you. They deserve to be alone, to suffer - but they can't. It'll kill them. They can't live without you...and soon enough you won't be to live without them. You're soulmates, meant to be. They have power now - influence. They can support you however you need-

And destory everything that gets in the way of your happy ending.

[perrydowning]

A Path to Hope that Works for Me

We all know humanity does this thing where it has to relearn the same lesson over and over again. Just like individuals, it feels like. I've been relearning many things I thought I'd figured out in my 20s. At first it was so discouraging, I'd already done this! Plus, at 47, it is so cringe. Yet, though I'm having to learn things anew, it turns out that each lesson, though the same color, is such a deeper shade.

History repeats itself, duh. And it's easy to fall into despair, that place where everything feels pointless. Why even bother if human beings are just gonna fuck it up again? Experiencing myself making the exact same mistakes from my youth certainly made me wonder if I just wasn't worth the effort.

But then I started to notice that I was understanding myself so much better and that I was practicing. Learning in a whole new way. It's a bit like re-reading a beloved novel. Every time through, you see more and more, it speaks to you differently as you gather more experiences.

What if humanity, as a massive group identity, is like that, too? Yeah, we're repeating the same mistakes, sometimes with a truly grotesque rhyming scheme. The stakes are also about as high as it gets, as opposed to a cossetted widow's therapeutic journey.

Though, I believe we are learning. In the last, I dunno, couple hundred years, we've (I'm speaking of a human average, not all humans) gone from the concept of universal human rights being incomprehensible to something most nations at least acknowledge might be a thing, even if they hate it. That's some pretty significant growth, from a certain point of view.

I was raised without religion, so it's always felt above my pay grade. But I do have faith--deep and abiding. That faith is in humanity. How? you might ask given that the world is on fire, could I possibly believe in us?

I'm going to borrow from western faith traditions here. Those massive medieval cathedrals, that were begun sometimes over a thousand years ago, they took generations to build. The masons who built the foundation knew they would never see the spire, nor the next generation. Or the next. But they did that without even a standard unit of measurement and those soaring monuments to human achievement are still here. That happened because each wave of builders crafted the best bricks they could.

I find my hope in that. I know I'll never see the spire, but I can make the best brick I know how to make so that it supports the next builders.

The spire gets all the attention--not unlike Great Leaders in History--but it needs all those beautiful, mundane bricks to reach for the sky.

I'm just gonna work on my brick. Maybe I'll even be able to make two.

[bethbluebell]

purpose [ d.dixon ] part 1

daryl dixon x fem!reader

summary; a last minute decision to scavenge a hospital may have sounded like the worst idea in the apocalypse, and it was. But it also gave you the opportunity to help a certain archer and his people - and in this world, that was everything

parts; 1 , 2 (3 part ongoing series)

This was a shit idea. A hospital was at the top of the list of places to stay away from in the apocalypse but you were growing increasingly desperate. You weren’t ready to give up on this area - not when there had to be more supplies somewhere.

You didn’t want to keep travelling from place to place, you wanted to build a solid foundation for yourself, even if that sounded like a pipe dream in the current circumstances.

You stood before the hospital as it loomed over you, an overwhelming monolith of concrete and steel, its windows shattered, its corridors haunted by the whispers of the dead. You tightened your grip on your weapon, nerves jangling with anticipation as you prepared to breach the silence that envelops the abandoned building.

With cautious steps, you entered the dimly lit lobby with your senses on high alert. Your brain was begging you to turn back but your legs continued forward. So far, everything seemed to be okay, no alarming signs like blood or bodies. The air hanged heavy with the scent of decay, a reminder of how long you’ve survived. It’s not like you counted, who cares if it was your birthday? You had no one to celebrate it with anyways and it’s not like you could go out and get shit-faced drunk like you previously did.

You didn’t even realise that you had stopped just before the turn in the corridor, you were stalling, rightfully so, but you knew the good stuff would be deeper in the building, anything would be blessing. You push aside your fear, focusing instead on the task at hand – scavenging for supplies and ironically you were hoping for anything besides medicine because funnily enough, you had plenty of that.

As you made your way through the deserted corridors, your footsteps echoing off the cold linoleum floors, you catch a faint sound from above - way above you that it was causing the building to strain. At first it just sounded like a small thud but it was getting louder and constant, ricocheting above you.

You were debating whether to turn around or at least just scavenge the floor you were on and forget the rest. But then you heard a gunshot and a wave of heat washed over you. Somebody was alive up there possibly fighting for their life – you couldn’t just walk away from that. The world may belong to the dead but that doesn’t mean your morals had to die with it.

Your heart quickens with a surge of adrenaline, your instincts urging you to investigate. Following the sound, you ascended up the first flight of stairs. Gunshots becoming more frequent followed by the all too familiar groans of the undead. You had to hurry.

You began to run up the flights of stairs, desperate to help in any way you can. As you turned the corner you come face to face with chaos.

A lone figure, surrounded by a horde of walkers, fights for his life, his back pressed against the cold metal of a gurney. His movements are swift and precise, but the sheer number of undead closing in threatens to overwhelm him.

Without hesitation, you spring into action, your weapon at the ready as you charge towards the dead, hoping to catch as many off guard as possible before they eventually turn on you. With each swing, each strike, you carve a path through the advancing horde, driving them back with a ferocity born of desperation.

The figure, clad in a sleeveless vest, turns to meet your gaze as another walker drops at his feet. His eyes were striking, a piercing blue wide with surprise and gratitude. Recognition flickers in his gaze as his chest rises up and down, a silent acknowledgment of the unexpected aid.

You didn’t have the luxury of time for introductions or pleasantries but even without a word, you both understood the situation.

You were fucked, but together you may just get out of this. You just hoped this man was as capable as he looked. No time for ogling though, this was about to get messy and you needed all of your attention to be focused on getting the hell out of here.

You stationed back to back to one another, facing the horde of walkers that are closing in on you. He takes aim with his crossbow, that you just now realised he had, picking off the undead with deadly accuracy while you slash your weapon with all your might, taking down any that get too close.

Despite the chaos surrounding you, there's a strange sense of unity between you and the stranger. You move as one, a well-oiled machine fighting to survive against overwhelming odds. You don't know each other's names, backgrounds, or even how you ended up in this situation, but none of that matters now. All that matters is staying alive.

As you continue to fight side by side, you manage to navigate the stairwell from where you came from. You turned to the man, wanting you both to get out safely and reached out to grab his tricep.

You were no better than a man.

You guys were practically standing at death’s door and you couldn’t help but blush at the contact of this man’s strong, glistening muscle. He turned to meet your eyes abruptly, his eyes shooting down to your hand - basically - caressing his muscle.

You pulled your hand away as if you had just suffered an electric shock and nodded your head towards the direction of the staircase, “We can get out this way!”

You continued to watch each other's backs, covering for one another's weaknesses as you navigate the treacherous maze of the hospital. With each passing moment, you gain a newfound respect for this man and his unwavering determination to survive.

Finally, after what feels like an eternity, you emerge from the hospital, battered and bruised but alive. "Thanks," he grunts, his voice rough with exhaustion.

Still hunched over and borderline wheezing you nod in response, a silent understanding passing between you. It seemed like you made a good enough impression because the stranger kept you company as you caught you breath. He was evidently way better built for this life than you were.

"I can't believe we made it,” You gasped, your voice trembling slightly with a mix of relief and disbelief. You regained your composure slightly, standing up straight and turning to look at him.

The man cast a sideways glance at you, his expression grim yet somehow softened by the genuine smile that painted your face. "Yeah," he grunted in agreement, "was touch and go there for a minute.”

As a team you had fought off a swarm of walkers, their numbers overwhelming, their hunger insatiable. But somehow, against all odds, you had done it. You couldn't help but feel a surge of relief at the sight of this man standing beside you, his presence a reassuring anchor in the midst of chaos.

"Why were you here?" You asked, your curiosity getting the better of you as you looked up at him.

He hesitated for a moment, his eyes flickering with a mixture of weariness and determination. "My people, they're sick. Need medicine," he explained, his voice gruff with emotion. "Figured this place might have somethin'."

A flicker of realisation sparked in your mind, you had medicine. Of course he was looking for medicine, you idiot. You’re probably the only living person left on this planet that would risk a hospital for anything but.

You had it stashed away in a modest cabin holed up in the woods nearby. It wasn't much, but among your meager belongings were vials of antibiotics and painkillers that could mean the difference between life and death for his people.

"I have medicine," You blurted out, your voice breaking through the stillness of the evening. "Back at my place. You can take it back to your people."

He regarded you with a mixture of surprise and suspicion, his brow furrowing as he weighed your offer. "Why you offerin' to help?" he asked, his tone guarded yet curious.

You shrugged, a nervous smile playing at the corners of your lips. "I don't know you, and you don't know me," you admitted. "But we helped each other out there. And in this world, that's gotta count for something, right?"

His gaze softened slightly at your words, a flicker of understanding passing between you. "Lead the way," He said finally, his voice gruff yet tinged with a note of gratitude.

As you both navigated the woods, your footsteps crunching against the array of dried twigs and leaves, you found out his name was Daryl. You noticed he was quite blunt with his answers which was to be expected.  His people were vulnerable and one accidental slip of information could be the difference between life or death.

Your heart pounded with each passing moment, your mind filled with uncertainty and possibility. As you reached your humble, wooden home you wasted no time in gathering the supplies you had promised.

Daryl situated himself beside the front door that really needed some TLC - a problem for another day. You handed Daryl a bag filled with medications, your hands trembling slightly as your fingers brushed in the exchange.

Daryl's eyes widened in surprise as he took the bag from you, his rough fingers picking out a bottle and tracing the label with a mixture of relief and gratitude. "This... this could help," he muttered, his voice barely above a whisper.

You offered him a tentative smile, "Thank you," Daryl said quietly, his gaze meeting yours for a brief moment before he tucked the bottle back into the bag.

You nodded, your heart swelling with a newfound sense of purpose. "Take care of your people," You said softly, your voice barely above a whisper.

As Daryl disappeared into the darkness, You couldn't help but feel a sense of hope stirring within you. In a world torn apart by chaos and despair, you had found a glimmer of connection in the unlikeliest of places. And in that fleeting moment, you had a solid reason to build a foundation for yourself. There were still good people out there and in some silly way, your life had never felt more alive.

-----------------------------

I've always wanted to write for Daryl, the walking dead is part of the small group of TV series that i've actually finished and wholeheartedly adore.

I have this planned to be a 3 parter and I know which direction I want this to go in. I love a good slow burn and hope this was a nice introduction to this small series. The next part should hopefully be up sometime next week, I am going on a small trip to Krakow so I won't be able to finish up writing the second part until after :)

[androgynouspenguinexpert]

Hello! Fellow English child here lmao. I was wondering if you'd be interested in sharing your thoughts on Cutie?? I really like the way you think :D

If not, no worries, and have a nice day!

*cracks knuckles*

i would like to preface the following rant with the blanket statement that people are products of their environment. how you are treated affects the way you treat others.

cutie is the first real example i can think of (from here in the shallow end of the asmr paddle pool) in which the listener is placed in the role of the abuser in a relationship. and i don't want to mince words - i believe cutie was emotionally manipulative and abusive, and the series treats that with an appropriate amount of weight and respect.

i also think that cutie, like geordi, displays a great deal of insecurity, and expresses it by being controlling rather than as geordi's avoidance. listener backstories are left up in the air to allow for people to put on the mask of the character, save for a handful of small and usually inconsequential details (see darlin's fling with quinn, ollie's partner having a rocky relationship with their family, etc) - but i agree with the people saying that cutie probably comes from a similarly emotionally manipulative environment.

telepathy is a super compelling wrench in geordi and cutie's already unstable relationship. thoughts are (to us, anyway) as private as you can get. literally nobody has to know what's going on in your head if you don't want them to. that's why i think cutie's repeated breaches of geordi's trust make me and i think a lot of others extra uncomfortable - the idea of someone being able to hear everything you think at any time with no warning is terrifying! cutie cites wanting to know what geordi is 'really' thinking, but geordi is 100% correct in the assertion that bypassing the filter of what's in someone's head versus what comes out of their mouth is essentially skipping over their personality entirely. i think that cutie's environment (whether that be upbringing, a past relationshop, or something else) has made them somewhat paranoid of people keeping true feelings from them. this means they're a lot more likely to pry, seeking 'the truth' of what geordi thinks of them, unable to take his word for it.

personally, i find that cutie is the most distinct Character out of the listener group - not just because they're multifaceted, but because they go against the grain of what most of the audience expect from a pov character. i know i'm not the only person who was incredibly disappointed in cutie listening in on geordi's thoughts after their argument about that exact topic - and that's good drama! it takes a lot of talent and incredibly good writing to build a compelling character that never has a single line of dialogue, let alone conflicts between that character and others around them.

geordi, and by extension the narrative, acknowledge that cutie isn't a bad person. they're not trying to be malicious, but they end up hurting the people they care about because they don't know any other way to maintain control over their life. i find it very refreshing that cutie is not being treated as a villain or as an innocent bystander. they hurt geordi by repeatedly crossing a hard boundary, and he's justifiably upset. however, cutie (presumably after trying to direct that controlling insecure behaviour at something or someone else and failing) does seek outside help to start to work those learned behaviour knots loose.

geordi and cutie's story doesn't have a villain. neither of them are The Bad Guy, and even geordi acknowledges that they're both partially to blame for the shaky foundation of their relationship. even without a voice, i believe that cutie has potential for a really strong character arc where they learn to examine the reasoning behind their actions instead of trying to maintain a death grip on every aspect of their life.

so the moral of the story is... maybe listen when someone sets a boundary. it'll save you a lot of trouble.

[princeescaluswords]

(contd) Like the twins want in on Scott's pack and Derek literally asks them if they'd be willing to die for him because to Derek anything less is just not gonna cut it.

Then the twins want to run bc of the Nogitsune and Derek has his whole speech about what an amazing leader Scott is.

Derek and Scott's heart to heart at the hospital has Derek going all "yeah you have the same place as protector of this town as my late mother and family and everybody needs you and you have taught me so much."

It always mystifies me when I read certain people's criticism of Teen Wolf: The Movie. These criticisms fall into three main categories.

Too much attention is paid to Scott and Allison's relationship.

How can you bring the nogitsune back without bringing back Stiles?

Derek's death and its aftermath was pointless and unfounded.

Rebuttals of the first two criticisms deserve their own metas, but I'll give them a brief summary. If you carefully watched the first three seasons, Scott and Allison's relationship was the foundation of the show, not in terms of consuming romance, but in terms of how it helped Scott and Allison define who they are in the face of exterior forces, which is a key part of growing up. While Stiles was the focus of the action in 3B, the story was still mostly about Scott's maturing as a leader by giving him a Kobayashi Maru: a no-win scenario pitting his desire to protect others against his love for his best friend. But it is the third criticism that I'll address in this post.

Derek's death at the end of the movie is a tragedy. This can't be stressed enough, but it is also a culmination to his entire character arc. The end of Season 3A saw him renounce the fear of loss and desire for power that almost doomed him that season, made him an antagonist in Season 1 and a villain in Season 2. His departure at the end of Lunar Ellipse (3x12) symbolizes both that renunciation but also indicates his arc for 3B: what will he become?

He starts with a journey to the past. "But that's not the only reason I left. I needed to talk to my mother." He finds Talia's claws, coerces Peter into using them, and then emerges with a new vision of himself. In Riddled (3x18), he acknowledges the passing of the alpha mantle to Scott (and I would argue begins to act as Scott's beta) with "This town needs someone to protect it, someone like you." but it's very important to note that while he is inspired by Scott, he does not emulate Scott. Following another person doesn't require the obliteration of self. Derek works with Chris Argent and he doesn't take killing Stiles off the table the way Scott does. He physically attacks him. He doesn't rush to Oak Creek, because he can be more helpful rescuing the twins from what will turn out to be Kate.

We see that in the way he talks about Scott throughout the season. It may look like he wants to join the Scott McCall Fan Club, but he rejects that, even in his big speech in The Divine Move (3x24). This is the key line: "You've had it wrong the whole time. You don't fight for a leader. You fight for a leader's cause." He's going to work with Scott, protect what Scott decides needs protection, and even be Scott's beta, but he's going to be his own person while doing so. He learned this from Scott who was willing to work with him in the first three season but who wasn't willing to simply do as he's told. He learned this, in a negative way, from Peter who manipulated him repeatedly, in Visionary's flashback (3x08), in Wolf's Bane (1x09), in Battlefield (2x11), in Alpha Pact (3x11).

Unlike Scott, who chooses to place the most value on life (but not above everything), Derek's more than willing to kill victims like Stiles in order to protect the town, as he tried in De-Void (3x22), but unlike his attempts to kill Lydia in Season 2, he's not doing it out of fear. In addition, as he says to the twins, he also believes he should be willing to die to protect what he cares about as well as kill. This manifests in his willingness to die in Season 4, and that willingness allows him to evolve. However, it's a reaction to what Kate did to him, not a decision to die in order to achieve an end. In the movie, however, it is an active choice. The nogitsune will never stop coming for his family, his alpha, his friends, and he makes the decision to sacrifice his life in order to prevent that. He doesn't do out of a reaction to the horrific memories of the Hale Fire; he's does it because he values family and pack; that's virtue. He's not doing because he's mindlessly following Scott or being manipulated by Peter, but out of own conviction that it is the right thing to do, which is strength of character. He faces fire, the same terror that destroyed his first family, without fear, which is force of will. He didn't mimic Scott's path to a new set of red eyes; he forged his own.

As tragic as it was, how could it be anything but satisfying?

[mischas]

First, Merry Chrismukkah & I hope you have a happy 2024! Second, I was wondering if an O.C. revival ever happened, how would it play out in terms of story, characters, & a R+M reunion? (I see it like the final scene in Titanic, the trope where they don't get a happy ending, but still end up together nonetheless)

Hello! Same to you! Happy belated Chrismukkah! ❤️🎄

Do you mean revival as if Marissa went off to Greece? I operate in this head canon daily so I'm always thinking up random scenarios. I'm personally of the mind that she goes to Greece, comes back a year or half a year later, enrolls in NYU, lives her best New York life, visits Providence a bit to see SS, becomes besties with Seth, has a college-spanning situationship with Ryan as they mine their high school traumas. Sometimes I wonder if RM would ever really talk everything out or if Marissa would hold things against Ryan unintentionally that keeps them in the situationship phase. I also see them deciding to be a couple again for good without ironing everything out and that coming back to bite them in the ass. Avoidant babies doing avoidant baby things.

As for the others, I imagine Julie marrying Neil but still making time for Jimmy when he pops back into her life. Which Marissa and Kaitlin are more than aware of and it impacts how they view love and marriage. Enter: convenient situationships.

I also sorta head canon that Marissa and Summer are more reticent about marriage than Ryan and Seth ever are. Ryan obviously comes from a broken home but has lived with the Cohens' since he was 16 and he and Seth don't really live with frayed parental relationships in the ways Marissa and Summer do. Sometimes I think that Seth proposes to Summer and that's when their relationship falls apart. I think they'd still find their way back to one another someday but it quickly dawns on Summer in college that she's been with one guy her whole life.

Kirsten starts a foundation for lower-income addicts in Southern California and Sandy gets back into the PD's office. There's no earthquake so the Cohen home endures.

Seth gets back into creating for Atomic County and has a fun, though sometimes tense, working relationship with Zach. There's no big-budget adaptation shit going on but it's steady money and mildly successful. At some point Seth plans to create a spinoff set on the east coast but is still figuring that out.

Seth visits New York a lot for work meetings and indie concerts and stays with Marissa who becomes his bestie. They smoke weed and talk about Allen Ginsburg. Seth-Ryan time is still on the books every week but it's hard to do so when they live on opposite coasts and have different schedules. Ryan grows mildly jealous that he sometimes gets more Marissa updates from Seth than he does Marissa herself. But them being such good friends warms his heart, and it warms Summer's too.

At some point Trey dies and it forces Ryan to face some things he's been pushing down for years. I think Marissa's been working on things in therapy but it's still a source of tension between them. Marissa's all-too-understanding that Ryan's confused about his grief and he's mad that he's grieving at all. It translates into them finally acknowledging this thing between them is built on a love that is unconditional and profound and has existed since they were 16. It's a connection that they've always been scared of losing if they were to ever give into it fully. Their propensity for jumping into full-on-yet-noncommunicative commitment in their youth contrasted with their friends-who-hook-up-nature in college is a twist I like imagining them taking, especially as their lives mellow out when living outside Newport.

As for the ending up together yet sorta unhappy ending, I can see Marissa and Ryan finally jumping into long-term commitment after years of being friends who hook up and it taking a while before it all slots into place. I do think it would, but there's the idea in their heads that maybe this is a relationship that cannot last because it's never been all that successful before. And I think they both have a ton of self-loathing to work through before their hearts can be open to the possibility of happily ever after.

[arcstral]

—  Fire Emblem: Engage, The Emblem Marth Retrospective.  —

Marth in FE: Engage plays a fascinating supporting role.

He has a dynamic presence on the boxart though he’s not a character native to this installment; enlarged and immediately able to be seen on the left where the eyes tend to be first attracted. His title 'Emblem of Beginnings' implicates his role as the first emblem to be summoned on Elyos. He serves as the spokesman for the emblem family in a lot of cases, and provides worldly exposition for the ancient artifacts and plot detail uprisings.

If you acknowledge his role as a witness to every phase of Alear's life from beginning to end- the parts we see in game to the invisible sections we don't see a thousand years before- he suddenly becomes larger than life. The figure that has been with Alear longer than even Lumera. Someone who has seen everything there is to see about our protagonist, to an extent where if an omniscient narrator was ever needed to narrate the events of the game, the only qualified individual by necessity would have to be the ‘Emblem Marth’.

With that that said, I was initially willing to go into Engage thinking of its Marth as an offhand spinoff version. No different from the inconsequential single-beat portrayals of Smash or even Warriors. But this idea is wrong. Engage surprised me by putting a very human, very special Marth into my hands. An echo of the original Hero-King, Emblem Marth recognizes that he is only an emblem from the very first beat of his first appearance, and yet he's unaware of how faithful of a homage he is to the individual he's extracted from.

How much he takes the foundation and honors it elsewhere.

The Emblem Marth as set apart from simply Marth is a purely loyal existence from humble beginnings to bitter end. A millennial being who answers Alear’s call for aid at every cost and asks for nothing in return but to be remembered. His duty to protect this world is equal to his desire to be at Alear’s side. It's that enduring spirit of nobility, loyalty, and devotion to his friends, even forgiveness, that places him on par with his original.

It’s the adversities that best place these traits on show.

Chapter 10 happens and brings the sky crashing down. Suffering on that course, as the last and latest emblem ring to be reclaimed from enemy hands- utterly miserable to be torn apart from Alear and company as Veyle aptly put it- still he serves to provide nothing but love and forgiveness for Alear on their long awaited reunion. The fact that chapter 10's devastation happened at all despite the counsel he’s spared. His even greater forgiveness of Veyle is extended in the aftermath, a compassionate empathy toward her circumstances that reflects the kind he shows for others in his time- his enemies. Hardin and Katarina. Camus and Michalis.

When Veyle returns the ring of the Hero-King to Alear in Chapter 22, she observes that “it was lying by your side, as if it wanted to be with you”, and to me this statement was the most touching. Marth no matter the circumstance will never, ever leave Alear behind if he can help it. But that situation, and that tragic day, arrives. And his reception to the cold fact is graceful.

Accepting his death without complaint, he quells Alear's fears with the reiterated admission of duty, no longer to Altea or to Archanea, but to Elyos. The Emblems exist to protect this world and in that call to existence is a reason worth dying for. His cessation means nothing, Marth nobly says. 'I am of no consequence' he remarks to Velyle tangentially in his paralogue when she laments at the idea of fighting him, with words that resemble humility but in actuality prioritizes the things that he sees as truly important--others.

Duty is the overpowering virtue of Marth’s character. Whereas the original Hero-King cites himself a prince before a son or a brother, this one would call himself an Emblem above all else. That sense of duty to a world not his own even manifests in many different ways. From that unique perspective of both an emblem and a king comes his wisdom, the utmost belief that a world placed in Alear’s hands will know peace and prosperity, that it would be a beautiful place.

This interaction speaks of the telling final thoughts that the Emblem Marth possesses in the last chapter of his life; a dutiful onus to realize a successor to the emblems’ legacy, someone to watch over the lands they have protected for eons. To pick up the torch in their stead. This desire is coupled with his love and peace of mind. He is proud of Alear’s growth, has seen it himself over the course of a thousand years and then some. Of all Marth’s fond observations for the Divine One, such words might be the highest level of his praise.

Such words reflect the caliber of a noble and positive existence who is aware of his bitter end and smells only the flowers. An everbright future with or without the emblems.

When the Pact Ring paralogue finally rolls around, we begin with Marth’s explication about the origins of the ring which even Vander does not know. Detailing Lumera’s mysterious history as its previous owner, and the familiarity of the local surroundings to him, it ends with his sound advice that Alear think carefully on which ally to give it. He is more than aware of the special meaning of this ring and how it will strengthen the bonds between two people.

That knowledge conjoined with his long history as Alear’s partner and a Lythos emblem posits an important side to the conversation:

He is consistently a voice of wisdom yet this example is special; it is in the late Queen Lumera’s place that Marth acts, informing her child about the ring most conducive to their happiness, second only in importance to the emblems and the birthday ring staving off Alear’s corruption. Marth, as always, is watching over the Divine One, nudging them toward their own betterment. Once a long-standing guardian to Alear’s slumber, he watches over them in the innocent and unassuming manner of this guidance as well.

Ultimately, by the game’s ending I thought very deeply about what endeared me so much to this Marth. Why I mourned so much at his loss as a 'phony' version of the original and I think I can finally put it into words. It’s about how much he exemplifies the loyal Hachiko paradigm but ten times magnified. Waiting and watching at the side of his sleeping 'owner' for a thousand years, never failing to sally to Alear's side, and even when corrupted by the fell dragon incantation- even when unable to verbalize or express any component of free will- he's able to muster the scantest smile for Alear in their darkest hour.

Marth is the emblematic mascot who goes through a dozen different redesigns and cameos in the most offshoot games- the most of any existing FE protagonist in both aspects, all differing in appearance from one another in various degrees. In terms of those many portrayals that define Marth, FE17 is nevertheless set apart in this regard by its depth. Showing more than anything that a Marth of a vastly different premise and belonging to an alienated universe is still, well, Marth.

Someone who is dutiful to extremes and deeply appreciative of his bonds, unfailingly kind. Someone who has 'always been kind' as Alear puts it.

Marth's words that Sombron's Emblem will never come back to him again is mirrored for himself. He, too, will never return, and what’s left in the wake of this knowledge is a unique iteration worth mourning. Engage teaches me nothing new about Marth but it does tell me one thing. The hero known as 'Marth' is as much a character as well as the allegoric ideal that puts greater duty and lordly goodness on the table.

Marth is Marth says Engage and that will always be an immutable worldly comfort.

[battyaboutbooksreviews]

🦇 Good Fortune Book Review 🦇

Rating: ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐

❝ But meeting him now felt like meeting him for the first time, glimpsing a new side of the person she want once imagined she knew. It unsettled her, how little she could trust that her impression of him would stay true to the versions she met later. ❞

❓ QOTD What's your favorite Austen adaptation?

🦇 Elizabeth "LB" Chen's mother is all too excited when she sells the neighborhood's beloved yet derelict community center to two Chinese men from Hong Kong, but LB isn't convinced these investors have the community's best interests at heart. With stubborn albeit good intentions, she fights for the community, too often butting heads with uptight, arrogant Darcy Wong in the process. The two are forced to spend time together, each venturing into the other's world longer than they're comfortable with. Can they see from one another's perspective, or will pride and prejudice get in the way?

💜 It's a truth universally acknowledged that many book lovers adore a good retelling—emphasis on "good." There are many that fail to hit the mark, neglecting the qualities that led readers to fall in love with the original story in the first place.

🧧Good Fortune hits every mark...and then some.

💜 The first 25 pages feature language so unique and enthralling that, for a moment, you'll forget this was a retelling in the first place. The writing is full of sass and quick wit without compromising the charm or formality of Austen's original works. Modernized, the language is moving, thought-provoking, and refreshing. Once it ensnares you, you'll find the sun has long set—or perhaps, just beginning to rise—as the story makes you forget all sense of time. Despite the familiar characters and plot, Chau does stunning work of making the story her own. The smallest of details—like LB's photography, the issue of gentrification, and Darcy's community outreach—to foundational changes—like setting the story in New York's Chinatown and making the sisters children of Chinese immigrants—all play a part in the story's progression. Chau never abandons the themes that make Pride and Prejudice such a monumental story, instead using them to bring attention to the same problems that still exist today: cultural identity, class divides, the burdens and responsibilities of family. Culture is infused in every page, granting this story a unique authenticity that other retellings lack. Infusing this story with the Chinese-American children-of-immigrants perspective only makes the classical class divide AND family values all the more poignant.

🦇 I think most readers will feel conflicted about the minor adjustments made to some of the supporting characters (namely, Jade and Lydia, who are a little more frustrating than usual). However, the frustrations both cause give LB the push she needs to adjust her perspective. Lydia's scandal and brattish behavior made me set my Kindle aside more than once, but I've never been a fan of Lydia Bennet.

🦇 Though I don't think the book needs to be longer, I do wish we got a little more of LB and Darcy together at the end. However, the original Pride and Prejudice story, along with most retellings, stop at the point they're together, so I understand it. The playful, rather than abrasive version of their banter is so entertaining that it only left me starved for more.

🦇 Recommended for fans of the original Pride and Prejudice, readers eager for diverse stories, and lovers of Sonali Dev's The Rajes series (another great retelling you NEED to read if you haven't already). Book bats, you've gotta grab this one!

✨ The Vibes ✨ ㊗️ Debut Novel 🎩 Contemporary Pride and Prejudice 🏮 Enemies to Lovers 🥠 Class Consciousness 🥟 Family is Everything 👠 Stubborn Integrity

🦇 Major thanks to the author and publisher for providing an ARC of this book via Netgalley. 🥰 This does not affect my opinion regarding the book.

[rappaccini]

The biggest flaw with Gwen in spiderverse is how they're regulating her to being the love interest of spiderman again...they think its different than from with Peter but it isn't at all.

The writing is literally on the wall, and the writers need to address this-they don't have deep feelings for each other, they're not soulmates destined to be or whatever, they're two traumatized kids who formed a trauma bond and mistaked that for love. The relationship feels rather shallow and has glaring flaws--Miles put Gwen on a pedestal and likes her off that, Gwen sees Miles as a replacement for Peter. But there's very little foundation as to why they actually like each other. And if they just get thrown together in btsv without acknowledging the elephant in the room between them and the way their feelings are, well that'd just be extremely forced and cheap.

the biggest problem with spiderverse gwen is she's being written by men who did not understand what the purpose of her character is within the spider-man canon, and could only imagine her as a love interest. everything off, questionable or underwhelming about her character and every change in adaptation stems from their need to make her Miles's Girlfriend.

and the romance is forced as hell. they retconned the ending of the original movie to switch gwen's feelings from platonic to romantic, and any of the interesting things about them being fixated on each other as a way to put off dealing with their trauma falls flat, because it's still being framed as this beautiful positive romance that'll succeed against all odds... and all the unfortunate implications are almost certainly accidental.

them isolating themselves from everyone in their lives and fixating so hard on a hypothetical relationship with someone they don't even know? not gonna discuss it. somehow, it's romantic and star crossed and not shallow and on the verge of going toxic.

the ending of the spider within confirming that miles uses his imagined version of gwen as a distraction from his problems, when he really needs to reach out to the people around him, his dad most of all? probably gonna fall flat if he and gwen get together anyway.

and it's canon at this point that gwen sees miles and peter65 interchangeably. like, the storyboards of her intro sequence literally have a cut moment where she's looking at miles and he glitches into peter and the intent is explained as "gwen doesn't want to lose miles like her peter, which is the reason why she's doing all this"

gwen transferred all her trauma about peter onto miles so she wouldn't have to address, deal with or move on from it. it's canon that she can't get over this loss and is punishing herself for it by isolating herself from everyone, keeping her emotions stuck in the past and centering her need to reenact that disaster over and over until she saves the boy she's projecting onto and gets to start the romance she wishes she could've had with him.

and that shit could be so cool, but only if you approach it as a tragic situation that gwen needs to grow past because there's nothing to 'redeem' herself for in the first place and it would be terrible for her emotional health to start a romantic relationship on the basis of "you remind me of my dead crush so maybe i can use you as a replacement goldfish for him" "good enough for me!"

who wants to bet that if btsv ever addresses this, they'll treat it like a positive ("don't worry gwen, if you repeat the peter situation with miles, you can have a happy ending this time!"), and that the best ending gwen can hope for is one where she lives and plays good girlfriend to miles as a way to punish herself for not being one for peter. forever.

instead of acknowledging that what gwen actually needs is to move on from those feelings entirely.

[roobylavender]

i know you’ve said before fma has a foundation built on imperialism apologia, but if you could make some changes to it to make it. not so. what do you think they would be?

i feel like not enough of the present-day events of the series really took place in ishval without scar being the only focal point of those events. like he was the one going to the ishvalan slums and coordinating the transmutation circle but people like ed and al also needed to go and be confronted with the reality they never actually bothered to face bc their lack of physical proximity to the most devastating effects of the war (despite what they learned about the philosopher's stones it was ultimately a revelation that only served to curb their interests away from use of the stone, it wasn't actually about giving any deference to ishvalan lives or what they deserved in the wake of the war) gave them nothing but the ability to condescend to scar about what he was doing. winry is included in that as well tbh like i love her but when she called scar wanton in briggs i think she deserved to be slapped and i really hate that the entire series more or less refused to have any of the trio acknowledge that scar likely killed winry's parents due to a severe bout of ptsd and inability to cope with the fact that his entire family had died in an explosion and he was the only one left alive. like sure they don't know the details of all of that but they could have guessed why anyone in ishval would have been driven to murder at the time

on the military end of things i think riza should have killed roy lmao.. like i'm sorry but as much as i used to love that scene in the tunnels as a kid it's so corny in retrospect bc who really knows how many times roy will be pushed to the brink and riza forced to hold him down again. he is utterly unchecked with power and delusional enough to believe he is the one with the idealistic vision to save the country like bro it's such garbage and this doesn't even begin to get into the fact that it's cruel to expect riza to serve that position of keeping him in check forever. like the king and lionheart dynamic may have had everyone by their necks years ago but when you really think about not only the political implications but also about how severely it undercuts riza's character arc it's just.. ass, ass, and more ass. i have more coherent thoughts on this as a whole here and here but like yeah ideally i think he should have died and the members of the military who participated in the ishvalan war should have been at the least completely stripped of their titles, if not outright killed for their war crimes. like riza even told ed they expected to be executed so what happened to that lmao.. in the end it never came to fruition and then arakawa added even more insult to injury by having the amestrian military lead the ishvalan restoration efforts as if the ishvalans would even want them there in the first place. like granted they did need resources and to re-establish trade, what war-torn region wouldn't, but that should not have been a military speared effort. the military should have not have returned to power to begin with and the whole country should have undergone a govt revamp

and tangential to that, while i obv do think ed and al deserve a lot of peace after everything they've been through, i really do think it's so naive to act like they get to just go home and ignore everything about the country politically now like no.. no.. i'm not saying they should be involved in govt but like i mentioned in the first paragraph they needed to have more interaction with ishvalans and considering they all knew winry's parents went there and chose to stay there anyway despite the threat of violence i think it would be a good full circle moment to have the trio involved in ishvalan restoration efforts on a local scale like there is so much they could genuinely help with re: alchemy and medical knowledge. not to mention ishval and resembool are literally in the same province like they're NEIGHBORS and to think that the trio never goes there ever is simply hysterical. this is something the anime doesn't touch on bc it's considered minutiae ig but in the manga resembool is actually a quickly growing city prior to the war due to its wool industry and that growth is ultimately stunted bc their major transportation lines are cut off once the war begins. so like. there is a very clear proximity between resembool and ishval and i really cannot believe arakawa never capitalized on it ever like it's like in naruto when kishi decided sasuke and hinata would never interact despite everything about their lore pointing to it making sense for them to interact in a way that would actually significantly reflect on the narrative

[tw1stedthicket]

Sorry if this is rather deep for my tumblr, but I feel like I gotta acknowledge how much of standing on my own two feet as an adult is heavily because of efforts to re-parent myself. I'm having to develop my own 'person' for the first time -- yes, it was always there, but it was like a baby bird that couldn't fly. There was nothing broken or faulty, but it was struggling to grow past a certain point without someone taking compassion and patience on it to give it what it needed. I have had to figure out who the fuck I actually am. What actually matters to me, what that looks like, and who I want to be. I am having to restrain the overactive judging part of me all too eager to jump to not having self worth, all too prone to shame, all too susceptible to projecting impatience with other people even over minor annoyance or upsetness, and struggling to accept it from others or myself, or feel indignant when other people push past me at work that I never stand up to. I feel like I'm learning what "benefit of the doubt" and "assuming the good" actually means, and God! So much shit I'm unlearning about failure and what that means for me, about not carrying myself in a small way, about drawing boundaries with people and myself and what is owed to me and what I owe to them, and about the way people do actually tend to forgive, do tend to extend mercy, do empathize with the feeling of yearning, of honest to god earnestness at our cores. We want to be loved. I'm learning how people are, and it's been such a long time coming to even stand.up. To face the day and not succumb to fear, and take baby steps toward the vulnerability of optimism, here again not too late now that I know my life is my own to live and nobody else's unhappiness to bear. The courage of acceptance, despite the possibility of rejection and abandonment, and I just couldn't have gotten to this point without learning what I have the last six years.

Lessons learned like, "Relationships require trust that people do not intend to hurt you, and if there are issues they will communicate it if they care about you, and if you care about them, you need to not build up resentment and actually communicate with them and trust them." Things like, "You're not on such a spotlight that performance is required of you. The only thing 'asked' is to be human. People don't actually care that much to notice and trip you up over perceived failings or unmet expectations, just show up wherever you are, be you, and let it go because it doesn't actually matter that much." Things like, "The validation of other people is your only lifeline when you feel empty inside, and that's okay while you are building it. But you will forever feel empty unless you learn to inhabit the space inside you and reach out to it in kindness, because the only place and person you are left with is you, and you will forever be capable of being ruined by the abandonment of others until you accept that you are, in fact, not a creature to have mercy on, but an entire, fleshed out human being worthy of everything you desire, and you do have a lot of acceptance and beauty around you already. You have to learn to treat yourself with love, like a friend, like the human you are, like you are on your own side, to keep going and not burn out. The center you crave of finally feeling safe, and safe enough to rest, has to be built from a foundation of love inside you. You are a safe place to lie down in. You see what you wish others did, and that's enough, and when you connect with others, it is as two people recognizing how together we are in our own lives, like neighbors in our gardens rising with the day to lovingly water our flowers & give a friendly laugh to. That means do what you love, own it, forgive yourself every time, be patient like you're still learning, and trust yourself that you are doing the right thing."

So much of my life is built around the anxiety of unlovability. And I've dug so much and know so much about perfectionism, people-pleasing, spirituality, co-dependecy, anxious attachment, etc. But it all kinda revolves around a fear of aloneness and inevitable abandonment, where unconditional love, kindness, warmth, understanding, patience, forgiveness, trust, listening, remembering, etc. is what is healing me. It feels like it's finally being delivered by me, someone who finally grew up enough to be able to give it. To be the stronger person to get down on the level of a child and extend compassion. I don't know if this is how it is for anyone else. That the source of unconditional love is arriving to them from a bigger, older figure after all - them, in the future. I've spent years trying to get it from my parents, even past the point of trying but still confusingly wondering how, even still indignantly upset that it still isn't there, and I admit I am still miles away from not being triggered damn near every time I come home. But I recognize it now as an adult witnessing another adult, somebody who sees the little kid in me and says "How could you do that to them?" and will step in with responsibility. I feel grief, just as I always have before I even knew its name, but at least now there's somebody else in me too - or I am somebody else altogether than I was then, and that person knows now that it's mean. It's mean to be mean to myself and leave me all alone, not having help, or trust, or warmth, or acceptance. And there is a great kindness at least now, imperfect but there, that I deserve better from myself. I can't change or fix anybody else, but I can be kind to myself at the end of the day. I can believe in myself like child me praying to a God much kinder - all the faith I need is in myself, trying to be built on every noticeable act of kindness that I am alive each day to see the beauty in it. Even on days I wish I wasn't, there are rainbows. The older me says hey, there must've been rain, wasn't there? That means puddles. Do you wanna go find 'em?

[forgotteneilionora]

Random Eilia Facts

so i just sort of realized ive been hc'ing all this stuff abt her but never really put it down anywhere so i thought id change that! as a result these are all v random factoids so bear with me but hopefully they'll be fun anyway <3

1. eilia is a first-rate nerd

always a curious girl with a passion for learning, eilia is a collector of factoids, an experimenter, and an advocate for the education of all. in her day she built public libraries and universities, and gave abundantly to foundations of learning, and esp to those that would benefit the under-privileged, particularly orphans, the poor, bastards (a sympathy roderick now calls 'damning,' implying she knew she was a bastard all along!), and women and in fact wrote and published a treatise on how this improves life for everyone not merely those receiving the education, etc!

def the sort who loves museums, pretensious poetry, and scholastic debates! she def had a reading group and all kinds of lively debates about philosophy, politics, ideals, art, science, and everything else intellectual on the daily w her friends and ladies during her reign!

eilia can absolutely be a bit pretentious abt these things and that certainly hasn't changed and, in fact, she doesn't quite view this as personal arrogance as she likely should, instead simply taking it all as part of her interests rather than a way to lowkey feel superior from ~within her interests~ by refusing to acknowledge that she can sometimes take this to a silly extreme, and viewing it solely as sophistication

eilia looks down on willful ignorance/close mindedness and condemns it as the worst sort of falsehood. as you can imagine, she's just adoring roderick's whole thing ;D lkajsdfkljsdf /sarcasm

2. eilia loves botany and astronomy!

building off her native curiosity, and likely informed by the astairan focus on plants/the earth and the stafford focus on the heavens/stars, eilia took to studying them from an early age. one of her favorite things to do is study the earth and the sky, seeing them almost as mirrors of one another!

even as a lil kid, eilia kept a garden all of her own and a journal of intense notes and sketches, rigorously studying plant lifecycles and experimenting with such things. this was an interest that also came in v handy as queen of a largely agrarian society, helping her to better understand what her ppl required seasonally etc, a factor which had helped encourage her interest in it in the first place. similarly, she always had a telescope and another journal, also filled with copious notes and sketches of the movement of the cosmos!

while roderick has limited her outdoor time and thus she can rarely indulge much in her garden and botanical pursuits, and roderick has removed her telescope (concerned she would use it to spy as much as to watch the skies -- and, in this case, rightful so), she is able to maintain her watch on the stars, though only as much as the naked eye can observe

3. eilia is blunt but not impulsive

she tells truth to power, but this is not to be confused w the way cillian does it: eilia is far better at picking her moments, and her battles -- she also doesn't, however, always express herself as delicately as she'd like to, which has always been an issue in her reign, but has been a huuuuge struggle in dealing w the varmonts, but she's working on it!! still, she rarely articulates things quite as she wishes to, having a forthright quality she still can't seem to entirely do away with. if anything, tho, dealing w the varmonts has taught her to be even less impulsive than she wou'dve been

eilia also has a tendency towards sarcasm which sometimes slips out at inopportune moments but, with a love of humor, she can't seem entirely to do without. in fact, in many ways she leans on it more than ever, now, having become something of a defense mechaism since the occupation

4. eilia is proud af

and even a lil arrogant but this has def been tempered a lot by that whole...getting conquered thing! at the same time, however, it deffff still bubbles up, and she has by no means entirely defeated it! eilia has always had a battle between her fears and her desires, smth that causes her to at once place too much faith in her abilities all while deep down fearing that she has never been and never will be good enough. i'll talk a lil more about that internal conflict lower, but that's a huge part of her character and always has been.

nonetheless, the arrogance side of this was absolutely smth that played a big role in her early reign and, in some ways, helped her bc that blind confidence was a bit infectious -- 'well she must have this all figured out to behave this way!' -- and helped her ram through a number of policies that greatly benefited astaira in her only about six years of rule!

it did, however, also have bad consequences, alienating some critical supporters whose indifference and even irritation later proved catastrophic when astaira was most in need of allies to help abate the conquest. it has also cracked in light of the conquest, causing her to waffle between this and her inferiority complex since the invasion, but again more on that later!

5. eilia is a believer!

those guardians out there making the world go round <3 for her it is much more than a cultural practice and she is a true believer! eilia literally believes that the world is in jeopardy, but she means to do smth abt that -- literally everything she can!! this includes herself, her loved ones, everything -- eilia is a deeply practical person (ill talk more abt this later) and so she believes to hold anything back, including the things youd otherwise have sacrificed everything for (your loved ones etc -- eilia is 100% the type who would much, much ~rather sacrifice herself than her loved ones! so this idea is the toughest of all for her) is mere selfishness in the face of the needs of the whole world, seflishness magnified when ur queen.

nonetheless, she does struggle w whether or not she's a good ruler to ultimately sacrifice her loved ones for the world, when it comes down to it, but she truly believes that that would be the just move!

paired with her (secretly) idealistic heart (more on that in a sec), eilia has a lot of faith, but she also knows she needs to do her part -- and what frightens her is that she might not be able to, anymore. but eilia's never been one to give up (see stubborn section)!

6. she's a romantic at heart but also a logician and lowkey feels these goals are in opposition to one another

building a bit on the above, she's got this war going on inside her, head vs heart, style! eilia is an idealist in a way, but she's also a realist. she will also hide her romanticism at all costs, and try to deny it bc she prizes reason and practicality, and believes its her duty as queen to put that first!

nonetheless, that same idealism she tries to deny also feeds and fuels her vision of a better future which is, in fact, her best trait as a ruler. fortunately, this is something that eilia, as a practical person realizes about herself and her rule. unfortunately, the fact of that knowledge and its source only further fuels the tension inside of her!

7. arrogance vs insecurities as queen (& person)

at once too proud AND too humble!! how does she do it? ;D while, when she first became queen, eilia was profoundly confident, post-conquest she fears she's too little, and that she was once too arrogant, for the challenges before her! yet she still struggles to find an equilibrium between these two, waffling flagrantly between confidence in her own abilities and an utter lack they even exist, a condition that only worsens w pr much every single action roderick takes

8. eilia is a v observant person

ppl watching isn't just a hobby -- its an art! and its served her well in being the king's shadow as a princess and heiress presumptive, learning statescraft at his knee. now, as a captive, it is continuing to serve her well as she keeps her counsel and watches. eilia has learned a v great deal about the varmonts and their culture this way, smth which informs her moves

9. stubborn (once her mind is made up)/forceful of nature

another sometimes alienating factor, eilia is often slower to make choices, but once she does, she is utterly implacable! this is bc she generally applies her reason to problems, so once she's made up her mind, its based on reasonable and principled factors that can only be disrupted by still more reasonable and principled factors. paired with her arrogance, this can sometimes come at cost bc sometimes she places perhaps greater faith in her choices than she ultimately ought to do, but her intentions are good!

until she makes a choice, however, she is quite open minded which she also views as a key factor of being a good leader, and comes out of her love of scholasticism

this willful bent also pushes her to, in turn, push others particularly galvanizing her to debate and to challenge others. she also respects those who do the same to her, though not always in the moment. she does, however, in general enjoy defending herself and her ideas in open discussions with others, and dissecting all notions in the realm of friendly debate, smth she greatly misses, given roderick's close-minded ways.

paired with her stubbornness, however, this will often prompt her to push others to defend their beliefs when she believes them wrong, even in a context where this is unwise. it is smth she is fighting hard to cut back on, now, surrounding by varmonts, but smth she has yet to entirely manage

however, her determination means that eilia will never give up so long as she still breathes and that is, perhaps, her greatest strength of all

10. deeply moral

going hand-in-hand with her belief system, eilia always wants to do do what she believes is good -- pursue the right course for the right reasons, and she will do all in her power, moving heaven and earth, to see justice done. she can sometimes fall too readily into the-ends-justify-the-means trap due to her logical nature, and the belief stemming from it that the means of the many outweigh the needs of the few, which in some circumstances isn't the best, but this is a factor relating to her position as a ruler, believing rightly that it is her task to serve by seeing the big picture

11. big picture thinker

while she tries, eilia isn't extremly detail oriented which can be a difficulty as queen, but smth she ~is, is extremely dogged once she's decided on smth as well as being far-sighted in her vision, an even more important factor in rule. bc of this, she does often delegate to those she trusts, creating a network of highly skilled ppl focusing in on individual facets of problems in order to create a larger, more just system for everyone. she does realize that bad things can, in the longterm, fall out of beaurocratic measures however, which is why eilia also installed a system of checks and balances to oversee these systems, all from different points of views, and ensured that each of these delegates serves not at the pleasure of the queen, but at the pleasure of the ppl just as she does, w elections

further, eilia is quite aware of her shortcomings, which further feeds into her insecurities, but allows her to combat them as well, her generally open mind, and helps her to see the full scope of her actions

12. patient & disciplined

perhaps her crowning achievement in the days since the conquest, eilia manages to hold herself in check largely through this trait, alone. it also served her well as queen, giving her reasonable expectations and allowing her far-seeing plan to unfurl rather than forcing it down everyone's throats and thus collapsing it before it had a chance to bloom

[more-than-a-princess]

In many ways, Sonia had no choice but to lean on the assistance of others: stuck on a deserted island, she and her friends relied upon the Future Foundation for ships full of supplies, negotiating their eventual return to the rest of world, and even the Neo World Program itself, a risky endeavor that few believed was possible or even worthwhile.

But did they want to? It wasn't a question many of them asked: there was little point in doing so, as how they felt about it wouldn't change a thing about it happening. It was why Yaguchi's request was a challenge for her to feel any sort of relief about: whether she wanted to lean on her or not, she had little choice in the matter. The only real decision at hand was help provided by those who resented the fact she and her friends were still alive, and help provided by someone who strangely wanted to spend time with her, a decision Sonia still couldn't understand.

Nevertheless, it didn't change the fact that without any of them, the former Class 77-B likely would not survive, and definitely wouldn't have survived up until this point. It was why it was a challenge to feel gratitude: what choice did she have but to accept her help? It was hers, or the colder, impolite members of the Future Foundation, many of them recruited from the Togami family with more loyalty to him than the Future Foundation itself.

"Okay," She replied, Sonia unsure of what else to say beyond an acknowledgement. "Thank you."

Sonia swallowed, hoping the uncomfortable part of the conversation would end with that. Or at least an unspoken acknowledgement that after Yaguchi's suggestion, Sonia would refuse to ask for a thing until they decided to give assistance when they saw fit. It wasn't as if she had any authority on Jabberwock Island. She'd barely have any upon her return home to Novoselic, with no opportunity to make any real change by her own design.

A daunting future, but at least the present had a bit of joy in it: animals were never inherently evil, Monokuma aside. Sonia smiled down at the first kitten, eagerly sucking at Miss Kitty, while the newest addition opened its tiny mouth and mewled louder than she expected a newborn kitten to cry, just as it tripped over its new sibling in search of sustenance. "Oh, you cannot get there unless you go around," Sonia cooed gently to the kitten and, with Miss Kitty already beginning to strain for the third arrival, she gently placed her hands on either side of the newborn black kitten to guide it towards a free nipple.

"Oh?" She asked, once she'd let the kitten go. Unfortunately, Yaguchi would get her attention in conversation only: the kitten was simply too cute, its ears moving up and down as it drank. "I did not know that about Japanese black cats. Truthfully, I am only familiar with the white lucky cat: I vaguely remember being given figures of them a few times, but I was unable to accept them. For royal duties, gifts such as those were either donated or returned, as they could have been seen as bribes. Unfortunate, as I think I really wanted to keep them at the time."

It didn't matter if it was a figure costing only a couple hundred yen or the most desirable luxury goods: everything the royal family wanted, they paid for from their own funds. Gifts could only be accepted if they were for a charitable cause, a loophole she recalled certain members of her family exploiting to the best of their ability. They were no longer alive to continue the tradition now.

Still, even if there were no black cat statues to ward off malevolent spirits, the little kitten was doing a marvelous job distracting Sonia from her own mind, which was a malevolent entity all on its own after The Tragedy. "That kitten is barely 10 minutes old and you have given it a rather large responsibility," Sonia pointed out. As if it knew it was being spoken of, it let go of its mother's nipple to cry out for attention again. Miss Kitty, in a shift to both make herself more comfortable as the third kitten began to crown and to quiet the black kitten, placed her front leg over it and drew it close. "We have something in common, then: being bestowed such a responsibility. But animals have purer hearts than humans, I am sure it will live up to your expectations."

The film was now depicting some formal dance, or at least formal by American standards, she supposed. The sort of romantic scene Sonia found difficult to stomach as she slid off the side of the bed. "I am going to pour myself another cup of tea," She told Yaguchi, "Would you mind supervising the birth of the next kitten at the bedside instead? Just ensure it arrives breathing and it reaches Miss Kitty's nipples with the others."

They resisted the urge to tell Sonia that she was redeemable, if even she needed redeeming in the first place. Though Shinobu believed wholeheartedly that Sonia and her friends were victims themselves, first and foremost, and needed forgiveness and care most of all, she doubted that Sonia wanted to hear that sort of message at the moment. Instead, it was all she could do to hold Sonia's hand, and hope that some of her feelings might be understood.

"Thank you, Miss Nevermind." She was thanking her for going along with her request, yes, but for everything else as well - allowing her to be at her side most of all. "I'm sure it isn't easy, but please do lean upon me as you need. I want to support you as best I can." She couldn't force Sonia to rely upon her, of course. That would be up to her, and her ability to accept it. Still, they could make the offer, and try to impress upon her that their affection for her, and their desire to comfort her, or carry what small portion of her burdens they could, was not conditional.

Shinobu was about to say that she thought love was, perhaps, hopefully, still possible for Sonia, though the words never left her lips, turned as the conversation was towards the second kitten. As they leaned to the side to get a better look, a soft expression settled onto Shinobu's face. "How cute," she murmured, even as as the little cat fumbled around. To Shinobu, it looked more like some sort of rodent than a cat, with its slicked fur and closed eyes, claws splayed out on paws a bit too big for its body. Well, that was cute, too.

"You know, that's a Western superstition," Shinobu said, still regarding both Sonia and the cat with a relaxed, faintly warm look upon their face. "In Japan, black cats are quite the opposite - they can be a sign of good luck, or other positive omens." Once she'd finished taking a look, she returned to her chair, to give Sonia and the collected cats whatever space they might prefer. "Have you seen the lucky cat figures in Japan? Often holding an amulet, and with one paw raised up in the air to beckon?"

For how traditional her family was, Shinobu couldn't remember ever seeing one around her house. Perhaps her father found them a bit too gaudy or colorful, or it might have been the case that anything too wrapped up in luck and fortune offended his sensibilities. There was one in the window at Anzu's old Tokyo theater, though, welcoming in guests with a promise of good fortune and a good show, and there had been a few strewn about Miss Uesugi's family estate, all carefully calculated for maximum impact.

"They're all good omens, but they have different meanings, depending on color. The black ones are said to ward off malevolent spirits." Anzu was still lingering at the window, so perhaps that was as much a superstition as the belief that they brought bad luck. "I suppose most things, or perhaps even all things, are rather a matter of perspective." After all, she'd been told to regard Sonia and the rest of the remnants as dangerous murderers fully culpable for all of their crimes, and yet she could see them only as sad, broken individuals who deserved more gentleness than the world, or Future Foundation, was providing them. The remnants killed and were monsters for it, while Shinobu killed and had been hailed as a hero. Differing perspectives, even as they felt the stains of blood on their hands as keenly as any other.

They turned their attention back to the little black cat, the movie, and the conversation of love and marriage, temporarily forgotten. "Still, you seem more like a sign of good fortune than bad, to me." All of the cats, truthfully, if only for allowing her to be here for Sonia when she was needed. "It's quite a bit to live up to, and I'm loathe to put any pressure upon you, but, please do your best." It was more than a little silly to be speaking with a kitten, but perhaps Sonia would appreciate the moment with a bit less focus upon herself. Or, perhaps she would find something of value in Shinobu'd admittedly heavy-handed reasoning.

[sexwithamanda]

Vegan Coffee House.

Episode #6. 

I wasn’t going to stop. I have a specific place I go to, and I drove past this place I am at, but the light switched, I was able to turn around and drive into this quaint little place in this strip mall. I make myself comfortable as if I come here everyday. Not one person says hi to me. Not one person actually acknowledges me and it isn’t in my nature to correct anyone. But if this was the first time I was here then it would be different. But, here I am making a review on a second time I’ve been here. I see people behind the desk, I know the owner is sitting next to me. It’s okay. If I can stay right this second and continue to type away, then obviously my presence of importance. Now, that we get that over with, here I am to talk about exactly how I am feeling. This pit in my stomach for the week to come ahead is insane. I am not prepared but I am prepared, this is insane. I am going to Greece next week. I have never had the pleasure of going to a new country, a place I’ve never been. 

My mind is terrified that I might end up kidnapped but I know that is less likely to happen to me. I mean if that were to happen, wasn’t it meant to? I feel like that nothing that isn’t supposed to happen doesn’t happen. It just does it’s own thing.

I am a firm believer in the universe sending us signs of what we feel, where we are, who we are, are all derived of everything we are, and of all the people we’ve met. I spent some time with my friends yesterday and one of them explained to me of their relationship with the person they were in love with.

They told me that there is a love formula called the “Biorhythm Compatibility,” I tried it, I mean do I believe in it? Do I think about fate? Do I think about soulmates? All I know is that, if a person is your person, it’s because you chose them and they chose you. 

Love is hard to define because it’s not all you need to make a relationship work. In my honest opinion, I don’t think you even need to be compatible with each other fully. I think that if you learn from each other, if you continue to care about what your partner is learning, what their interests are, I feel like you will have a solid foundation of getting on the level that they are on.

My current lover, he is one of a kind to me. I think he’s special. Not the type of special that you think is a lot or too much, but the type of special that makes me laugh till my stomach hurts. Someone who continuously lets me learn from him when i don’t know something. He’s the type to explain it to me kindly and in joke form. 

I asked recently why he always asks me “what’s up.” When I turn to him, and he’s like “I know that you are thinking, but you look like you have something to say, which usually you do.” I mean that is a small detail, but it makes my heart beat a little fast. It makes me smile.

I know that people are quick to think that, “hey that seems normal.” Well here I am to tell you, that I feel valid. My feelings, thoughts, what I think matter to him in a way that makes me smile. I don’t think I’ve had that as much as I do with him. He tells me exactly what he’s doing, he doesn’t have a lock on his phone, as much as I hate to say it, he just allows me to be with him without bother, lets me talk but listens and gets distracted. I love that because he cares about what I’m saying. 

He CARES. 

I want that with every relationship I have but recently. 

I have felt required to act in a way that isn’t fully me. This entire week has had me in a slump. I spent this week by myself mostly. I don’t even want to go out tonight really. I want to lay at home, type my feelings, speak my feelings but also just want to disappear. It is insane to think that we as people are consistently scrolling through our phones mindlessly looking at things that don’t particularly matter but we like them anyway. 

Usually when I know my birthday is coming up, I feel this sense of emptiness. i don’t feel like partying, don’t feel like being surrounded by anyone. I want one person to talk to, but other than that I don’t really have enough energy to put forth into conversations. I need them to talk, I want to know about them, I am exhausted from my own conversations in my brain. I just want everything to be quiet. 

The other day I was at a coffee shop and I kept hearing them clang something, and it bothered my brain so much, I had to leave. I couldn’t handle listening to it. I couldn’t focus on anything. 

All I want to do is be distracted. All I want is to not feel this deep sadness. 

I hope that it goes away soon, and it will after my birthday passes, but because it’s so close, I just want to get it over with. This is a quarter of a life crisis, but my brain seems to think it’s my mid-life. I could die pretty young. 

I hope not.

But anyways.

Mahal Kita

Amanda  <3

[shurisneakers]

Ok good you did go to sleep

i hate this website because im sitting here getting emotional over the thought of banana fritters. like what the fuck

[mae-i-scribble]

Random thoughts about the orv epilogue part 3/????

Up this round: Yoo Joonghyuk’s status as a Character and how orv makes using characters as thematic stand ins work without sacrificing character integrity.

Going into this I am denoting yjh’s status as a “character” within the confines of orv with a captial C “Character” and talking about characters in general without the capitalization

If I were to discuss all the ways that orv uses yjh to discuss the larger themes of what characters mean to their readers, authors, and stories I would be writing a thesis paper and I am writing these at 2 am so the brain cells are not amassing to that high a level. The moment in the epilogues I will be focusing on is when yjh reveals his reasoning for why he needs to find kdj. “He still had something he simply had to ask Kim Dokja, that’s why... ‘what should he do to continue living on?’ That’s right. That’s what he wanted to ask Kim Dokja. Because that guy knew everything.” Yjh, who continuously seeks out kdj time and time again to determine what he should do next, trusting in kdj’s plans, of course kdj would be the first person he wants to ask about what to do with himself. Yjh has no idea what kind of person he is outside of the scenarios, but out of everyone he knows, kdj is the one he trusts to give him the clearest answer to that question that’s been haunting him. In a mushy gushy character sense, kdj is the person who gives yjh’s life meaning. In a thematic sense, the exact same is true, but because a reader decides what a character’s value is, above all else. Every person who reads a novel is going to come away with a slightly different impression of each character, and every individual reader will assign their own meanings to these characters. Because yjh and kdj exist as reader and character, kdj becomes the driving force behind yjh’s purpose.

One could argue that orv goes to great lengths to say the exact opposite: that characters exist in volumes larger than what is written down in any piece of fiction, that characters have agency from both their author and reader and can never be understood by the story alone. And to that I say, yeah you’re completely right. Those are major themes of orv, but it in no way reduces the thematic impact of the moments centered around the reader and character relationship, because both themes are expressed simultaneously. Case and point, the fight between yjh and kdj on reincarnation island, where yjh is furious that he is a Character to kdj and questioning how meaningful kdj finds their relationship, leading to the following exchange.

“⸢I’m right here, in this place.⸥

I know.

⸢Even then, you only chose to read and nothing else.⸥

….Because, that is our way of living. You acted, and I read you doing it.

Yjh is trying to assert his reality, the fact that he if alive and breathing and *here,* that he is not a Character, he is not someone to be read about and never acknowledged in person. He knows what kdj is doing and is almost begging the man to talk to him, person to person, only to realize that even now, kdj is choosing to “read” him via his thoughts. Kdj’s internal response “that is our way of living. You acted, and I read you doing it,” asserts that the foundation of their relationship exists in that character/reader dynamic. Neither character is necessarily proved wrong in their convictions, yjh declaration of who he is, just as he has been doing, marks him as not some mere story. Meanwhile kdj has long grown past using yjh’s status as a Character to define how he sees yjh, even actively pushing against seeing yjh as a Character but still recognizing that their initial dynamic when he knew yjh as words on a page will always be a core part of their dynamic. Furthering this point, the moment where yjh reflects on the purpose of his life as he is about to die at the hands of the outer gods. His narration says:

He must never let his companions know of his survival.

His absence must become their eternal hope.

...

Yu Jung-Hyeok instinctively realised that this was his conclusion.

‘This is the end I wished to see.’

It could’ve been a slightly more excellent conclusion.

If he had made a different choice back then, or maybe, if he chose to go down the better direction, then…. Yu Jung-Hyeok smiled bitterly.

In the end, he remained a regressor even until his final moment.

...

That was the summary of his life.

“I’m Yu Jung-Hyeok.”

At least a handful of people would be saved by his life.

There are a lot of things happening in these final moments of his, such as determining that his purpose was not to bring kdj back, but to become a beacon of hope for the companions he left behind. In thematic terms, he is saying how the purpose of the character is to be hope for even a single person, their summary is to be a saving force for a handful of people. However, much as in the first example, none of what yjh is saying feels out of character. He is the same person who regressed thousands of times just to save the world and his companions, he is more than assuredly a person who would conclude the purpose of his life is to give them hope at the cost of himself. Interspersed with the more thematically relevant thoughts are the thoughts of yjh the character, how even now, he still has the mindset of a regressor. And ultimately this is what makes orv hit as hard as it does, the way that the meta themes never fall out of place with its characters. Orv is a story built around its themes, such that every character’s arcs and history mold themselves in a way to cater to these themes rather than themes coming in at the last moment and drastically redefining a character. While I do think it can be more heavy handed than it needs to be, especially in the final chapter with hsy essentially explaining to the readers why orv has an open ending, I still believe this style of thematic storytelling to be incredibly well done and executed through the main trio in particular. Also my heart cries tears of blood rereading yjh’s final moments like this. Part 1 | Part 2 | ... | Part 4