#but not without acknowledging everything in it in the first place. the foundations. who you are

[heartfullofleeches]

[brief mentions of non-consensual touching]

I kinda wanna flesh out yan cheater and "cheater" reader more. Fuel up the angst. I'm thinking high school sweethearts who promised to be each other's first as they went off to college. Yan sees the whole thing with reader with another person and goes to a friend for comfort. The friend sees this as an opportunity to tear the two apart as Yan was previously going to join their band instead of a straight shot to college. A few drinks down they're kissing the first person who makes eye contact with them at the party, forgetting all about their woes and promises - and skipping town without closure or a proper goodbye to their lover.

Couple years down the line and they're now a big shot - carrying little resemblance of the person they once were. Shows sold out in every venue and a different fan on their lap every night. They all have some feature that reminds Yan of their former flame which they muddle over to the very day their paths cross again.

Their latest tour leads them to a familiar place. A town where nothing ever happened and everything stayed the same. They learn their ex is still working hard for their degree and takes night shifts at a nearby gas station. The tension is thick from the moment they walk in. They didn't even want to be there, but it was the only station in close proximity. What do you even say to someone who's caused so much heart break after all this time?

"That'll be 21.10... Cash or credit?"

That's it.... After everything you put them through. After all those nights they spent crying over you - and craving your warmth in their bed. The future that you pictured together. The life you dream of in each other's arms. You tarnished what little hope they had - and that's all you could say to them...

"A "how've you been?" would've been nice...."

"I have nothing to say to the person who abandoned me. Can't even say that much since you hardly remind me of them."

Really classy from the one who caused this mess in the first place.

"Don't act like you're free of any guilt in this... I saw you with them that day... You seemed a lot more cozy with that stranger than you ever did with me."

"Stranger, what are you...." Your eyes dart around the room as the gears in your head click. Pulling out your phone, you fight back tears as you show them a picture of that stranger. "Is this who you're talking about?...."

Please say no....

They scoff. "So you do know who I'm talking about. You still together or did you run off with someone else same as you did me?"

The sadness and pain just... vanishes. All these years, you thought you had been the problem. Made to many promises. Loved then too much or too little. From what it seemed like now - they were the one who never loved you enough.

"That's my cousin....."

They didn't hear you - they couldn't. Couldnt acknowledge that maybe...

"What?"

"That's my fucking cousin, asshole."

Everything they ever believed was the painstaking truth - was a only a cruel misunderstanding.

"We hadn't seen each other's since we were kids. Their mom had just died... I tried calling you when I got home, but you weren't there. Did you seriously think I cheated on you? And you just ran away?..."

"I....you...." Were their everything. When they saw you that night the pressure of every problem weighting down on them finally snapped. They couldn't think rationally at that time - if only if they'd put the faith in you they always prided themself in having.

"You coward...." You throw their change across the counter, adding issult to injury as you point for the door.

"Get out of my store. Get out of my life."

"Y/n, wait..please."

"I said... GET OUT!"

The foundation of their new self crumbles. After your alleged betrayal they rebuilt themselves from the ground up as an overconfident, self serving individual, but like everything else to this point - it was all a lie. There were always those days they wondered "what if". What if they had stayed. What if they had tried to fix what had broken in your relationship. Knowing the truth, those fantasies return with vengeance. The truth would've came sooner and the wounds to mend would have been lesser. You'd talk over the miscommunication and they'd apologize fully by taking you out to your favorite restaurant. You'd start school together the upcoming fall. You'd kiss and make love and enjoy fleeting youth as one. There'd always be rough patches, but in the end you always had each other.

That's how things should have been.

They spiral - crawling to the closest bar to relinquish their pain the only way they knew how beyond finding someone new to bed. The thought of sleeping with anyone that wasn't you made them nearly lose the alcohol poisoning their system. Had you been dating since then? Had you given yourself to someone? Did they make you feel loved and saved - just as they should've

By the end of the night they wound up too drunk to even stand on their own feet. The bartender asked for a number to call to have someone pick them up. They gave the only number they could remember after all these years - and intoxicated.

The drive to their hotel room is quiet. You had nothing to say while they had the world - but none of it was anything you wanted to hear. You just wanted this night to be over so you could go back to forgetting they ever existed.

You help them into their room and give them some water from the sink. Despite everything they've done, you didn't have the heart to leave them like they did you.

"Drink. You need to flush out your system. You'll probably have a headache in the morning, but that's none of my concern."

".....how many people have you slept with, Y/n?"

You place the cup on the nightstand. "This isn't the type of conversation we should have right now."

"Have you been with anyone - or are you still waiting for that special person? I've done a lot of shit I'm not proud of, but at least they've given me experience. I can make your first the best. I can make love to you better than anyone. I already know you better than they do...."

Their hands creep around your waist, hugging your midsection same as they use to on school nights when their parents forbade guests - and you crawled through their window anyway. They always held you like you meant the universe to them. You still do.

Their lips gloss over your exposed stomach as your shirt crawls upwards, heavy tears staining your skin. "Just one night. That's all I need to prove myself to you. We were made for each other. Let's forget about the past for one night and pick up where we left off. A promise is still a promise - even if it's broken.

Their fingers dip below your waistband. You immediately shove them off you and to the floor. "Are you fucking insane?! You can't forget something like what you put me through. I've been so afraid of connecting with anyone because I'm scared they'd just run off like you did. I'm finally becoming me again- and I won't let you take that back from me. Don't call me."

The door slams as you storm out - reverberations their sole companion in their misery. This is the same thing they did to you. They deserve to be alone, to suffer - but they can't. It'll kill them. They can't live without you...and soon enough you won't be to live without them. You're soulmates, meant to be. They have power now - influence. They can support you however you need-

And destory everything that gets in the way of your happy ending.

[that-dreaming-dragon]

Alterhuman Community: Anglocentrism and Spirituality

Word count: 636

It's pretty common that the alterhuman community is largely English-speaking.

Or more that the community at large interacts in English.

And beyond that, many things are also US, if not western-centric, possibly due to the nature of the community being English-dominant.

There has been a bit more discussion surrounding this very phenomenon. And it is understandable why we are here with all the points brought up within that post and following reblogs (threads? I don't know my tumblr lingo). The post focused on the identity aspect of alterhumanity, and the languages tied to these identity concepts.

But I'd encounter another issue--where everything else is also tied to anglocentrism. One of them being spiritual belief.

I often felt a little disconnected from many others within the community due to my largely different background. My family and extended family, even beyond, are largely eastern in spirituality and beliefs, with Buddhism being the religion that has a larger presence in my life. Christianity was sort of like a myth to me, horror stories and tales told to me in passing. Not to say there wasn't any education going into that area, but the class about world religion back in high school means the focus is on religion across the world. I had family friends and others in my life that are Christian, not enough for me to understand all that went into such a belief. I was living in a bubble of eastern influenced belief, and then I didn't comprehend what it's like to not have such a background.

The stronger irony is that I didn't learn about the finer details of Christianity until I was knee-deep in the alterhuman community. I'm constantly a bit off-kilter when I talk about spirituality with others, and there's just a bit of a gap with others if things originate too much from earthen-established faith belief. I'm still trying to learn what Pegan and New Age encompass. I mean, they could very well be concepts I am well acquainted, but just in a different cultural lens and language.

Of course, I also need to be aware of how much and how strongly my perspective skews my view on things. I know there are those who share similar backgrounds with me within the community, and the community at large does try to keep a worldly view. Considering many of us are from completely different worlds or realms as well.

Thinking on this, it's a strange place to be. We try to focus on individual experiences without the influence of this earthen realm, but still the importance of society and culture, or everything else that follows, does have impact on our own perception of things. How we see animal through human angle, how we explain our experience with what we had outside the alterhuman scope. We acknowledge that fictionkin, therian, and otherkin are all the same experience by technicality, with different focuses (I need category terms that aren't identify-as focused, fictionfolk (which we have), animalfolk (do people use that?), and otherfolk? nonhumanfolk??). I'm wondering if this is sort of like being from fiction is like. You have something preestablished, that shaped you, and every new understanding is built upon this foundation.

I'm not entirely certain where I'm going with this, ramble as my writings tends to be. Originally I had wanted to answer in specific a Writing Wednesday prompt posted within the Alterhuman Community, specifically in regards to what sort of community project I'd like to see.

Perhaps a zine featuring alterhumanity from non-English earthen culture? I only am proficient in 2.5 languages, but I feel that it'd be beneficial at large. Talon's post inspired and encouraged folks to write in non-English languages they know (I'm not saying Native Language, I have very complicated relation with things like that…), and that is certainly a start. Though we probably will have quite a headache first just in trying to figure out how to translate concept terms.

[sykeskassie]

Missing Piece

This was originally a gift for my muse. Well, more like a reward for getting her schoolwork done. It’s been sitting for a minute and I finally decided to post it.

Pairing: Implied OT8 Stray Kids x reader

Word Count: 1.3k

𓆩♡𓆪ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ𓆩♡𓆪ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ𓆩♡𓆪｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ 𓆩♡𓆪

Something wasn’t quite right, but you couldn’t put your finger on what was missing. You had been tucked away in the repurposed office all morning, forbidding any of the pack from entering. It was your first time since joining the pack that you had made a nest by yourself. You had of course participated in building group nests with Seungmin, Felix, and Jisung —the other omegas— but you had yet to

make one solo. It had taken you a while to feel comfortable enough; despite the constant encouragement from your packmates of all designations, you were anxious. As much as you wanted to grab a member or two, you knew that this was something you had to do for yourself. 

Adjusting a pillow against the wall, you breathed in deeply. You could smell hints of cedar, pine, and eucalyptus, the scents belonging to Chan, Changbin, and Minho respectively. You had used sheets from their beds to cover the nesting mat on the ground, effectively making them the base of the nest. They were the foundation of your pack, and thus it was only natural to make them the foundation of your nest. 

It had been Minho who originally introduced you to the pack. He was just a bit older than you, always taking on a protector role even before he presented. Honestly, that’s why your families hadn’t been shocked when he did present as an alpha. When his friend Chan asked him to join his pack, he had made it very clear that they would have a frequent visitor to the den. Minho knew that he couldn’t outright ask for you to become pack alongside him; you would never have accepted that without meeting and becoming comfortable with the guys, and Chan wouldn’t just add in anyone that hadn’t gotten everyone’s approval. However, it had become clear after just a few visits how enamored everyone had become with you. 

The scents of the betas lined the walls, lavender from Hyunjin and rosemary from Jeongin. They had thoroughly scented many pillows the night before at your request. It was imperative to you to have their scent be on the items that you would rest against; their comfort and support represented in a physical way. You had spent countless hours nestled between the two of them, chattering on about nothing and everything. They had been the most instrumental in your transition to the pack, helping you adjust to suddenly living with eight raucous boys. Jeongin especially, having been the most recent to join before you, understood how overwhelming it could be. 

The blankets strategically placed around the nest were provided by the omegas. Towards the foot of nest, Jisung’s clove scent radiated comfort from fuzzy blankets. It was a strong scent for an omega to have, but Jisung was a strong omega. Though he was one of the few to intimately understand your battles with anxiety, he was a fierce protector of the pack. Placing his scent at the entry point of the nest was an acknowledgment that to get to them, one would have to go through Jisung. At the head of the nest laid pillowy quilts imbued with Felix’s nutmeg scent. Extra padding for anyone who wanted to lay down, his sweeter scent felt like a hug surrounding you. Beyond Chan and Minho, Felix had been the first member who immediately welcomed you with open arms. He had been the one to teach you about all the members, helping you integrate near seamlessly. 

Your eyes drifted to the flannel blankets that made up the middle. Even with your softer scent of fresh rain clinging to the sturdier fabric, it wasn’t quite complete. Taking each component piece by piece helped you figure out what had been missing all along. You carefully maneuvered out of the nest, making sure not to disturb anything. It was nearly perfect! You just needed your missing piece. Sneaking out of the room, you crept quietly to Seungmin’s room. 

Knocking softly, you hear a, “come in, pup!” 

You quickly slip into his room, your eyebrow raised slightly. “How did you know it was me?”

Seungmin chuckled, “You’re the only one who knocks and then waits. Everyone else either knocks and barges in, or skips knocking altogether.” He took a second before realizing something. “Aren’t you supposed to be nesting right now?”

You looked down at your feet, suddenly shy. It’s not that you were uncomfortable with Seungmin; it was actually the opposite. Minho may be the one you were closest to, but Seungmin was right behind him. Your omega shined under his attention, and he was the one who really taught you what being an omega in a pack like theirs meant. He was endlessly patient with you, putting up with your questions no matter how silly you thought they might be.

“I am! I was! But…I’m missing you.” You weren’t sure how you didn’t catch it sooner, honestly. If you had to guess, it’s because you weren’t used to having to put all the pieces together by yourself. When you did group building, you usually helped one of the omegas with one designation, while the other two omegas worked on the remaining designations. 

“Oh pup. Do you want me to scent something for you to take back to your nest?” You knew that wouldn’t be the right answer, even if you appreciated his offer. 

Shaking your head no, you say, “I have all the materials already picked out and set up. I just need you…would you mind coming with me? So I can show you where I want you?”

“You want to show me your nest? Before anyone else?”

You hadn’t really thought of that, of the significance of your request. You took a second to turn the idea over in your head. It felt right, you decided, having Seungmin be the first to see your nest. If you thought about it too hard, you’d realize that a part of you was wanting, maybe even needing an omega’s approval. Your omegas approval.

With a small nod from you, Seungmin stood up from his bed and walked towards you. “We have to be quiet though. I don’t want the rest of the pack to think it’s ready yet.”

“I understand, puppy. Let’s go see your nest.” Grabbing his hand and lacing your fingers together, you led him back to the room you had been fussing over for the last few hours. He took a look around when he entered your nest, inhaling deeply to see where you had placed everyone. Plopping down on Jisung’s section, you pointed at the spread out flannel blankets. 

“I need you there, please.” Seungmin would never say it, but his heart burst a little, knowing that you wanted his scent in the center. To be the center of a nest was a place of honor; for you to want to combine your scents? He could cry at how touched he was. Nodding very seriously, he began his task. As the warm cinnamon that was all Seungmin began to bloom around you, everything started to feel complete. No longer did you feel like something was wrong. 

“There, all finished!” Seungmin could easily tell how you felt about him, about his members, about your place in the pack, just from where you placed things. The amount of care that you had taken to get everything just right, all by yourself, all for them, could make even the frostiest of people melt. “You did such a good job, sweetheart. Thank you for building such a good nest for the pack.” 

Your smile was beaming at the praise. Here was an omega, your omega, telling you that you did a good job. “I hope the others will like it…would you go get them for me?” 

“Of course I will, be right back, pup,” Seungmin said, already eager for everyone else to get to see how much effort you put into making them nest. As you waited for the pack, you realized something; you weren’t anxious anymore. 

[poisonousquinzel]

we didn't even see Sevika's reaction to Isha dying... she didn't say a damned word since episode 4 from what I remember. like is her being on the council supposed to be a fix all to the shit Piltover's done? It doesn't even look like there's any other Zaunites there it's just her.

Cait and Vi barely even argued before fucking in a prison cell like Caitlyn didn't become a dictator and spent the entire Act 1-2 time skip authorizing and causing terror in the Undercity but there's one comment we saw in the trailer talking about her having Ambessa as her right hand and thats it, as if Caitlyn didn't have anything else to idk apologize for?? Did I miss something??

She smacked Vi with her gun and nearly murdered a child the last time they'd seen each other before episode 6, but nothing of Cait's downward spiral in the first few episodes was addressed outside of just the connection with Ambessa and that was barely! She's a fucking adult and we didn't even hear her say sorry. She doesn't apologize to Vi.

Vi woke up, found out her sister was locked up, fought with her ex who's spent the past like 4 episodes being a full out fascist.

"she wasn't there for my benefit. You didn't trust me to follow through" she says that as if that one dude wouldn't have killed her if Jinx hadn't been there? like baby you wouldn't have followed through because you would be dead!

"can you blame me? How long were you sidled up with that shifty, self serving war pig? She oinked poison in your ear and you just ate it!"

"I know!"

And Caitlyn saying multiple times about not being able to erase our mistakes and good deeds not crossing out our crimes, while just.... going on to not acknowledge the full scope of her own war crimes.

And then after getting locked up by Jinx and being told she's gonna go kill herself in so many words, Vi... acts like that's not what was going on with her? it's not even addressed as an urgent thing it's as if she was just like "no fuck you sis I won't fight for your cause cause I'm an unpredictable rebel" and not implying that she was gonna go off herself.

it's just a moment for Vi to beat herself up more and go on about how Caitlyn was right about how she shouldn't trust Jinx and that she went behind her back, that she chooses wrong every time and that because of her decisions she's lost everyone.

She didn't choose wrong when she stopped Caitlyn from killing Jinx and Isha in episode 3.

but the only response to Vi beating herself up Caitlyn has is to point out she'd moved all the guards to the Hexgates and to say that she's gotten a bit predictable.

and then the sex scene happens. In the jail cell Jinx had spent the entire time skip, one long enough that Vi's hair is grown out, trapped in festering alone thinking about dying.

just wow, what an atmosphere, how romantic

just saw that Amanda has said in a Q&A abt episode 8 that them doing it in the cell was a way of "Vi reclaiming her prison trauma" which is....... a decision. the idea is there but fuck the execution sucked man lmao

VI didn't even react to Ekko being back!

and to have Vi in their ending clip say she's "the dirt under her nails, cupcake. Nothing's gonna clean me out"

what the actual fuck? is that supposed to be cute after all the comments Caitlyn's made about Zaunite being lesser, being animals, saying that it's in her blood? something she doesn't address or grow from or apologize for?

are we supposed to believe that everything that was inflicted on the Undercity by Piltover is just water under the bridge now cause some magic robots fucked shit up for a bit? no acknowledgement of the oppression or using chemical warfare on innocent people or arresting people without cause, or the hundreds of other examples of Piltover lording themselves over the Undercity that happened before the show. The conditions they allowed and thrived off of, the ones that led to Zaun being something needed in the first place.

everything in terms of that foundational conflict feels like it was just completely dropped to focus on the magic plot and Ambessa and it's just... not front lined again. Ambessa did not cause the conditions in Zaun, she made things worse for them, but she wasn't in Piltover for the large majority of this. In the grand scheme of Piltover / Zaun she is an incredibly new player in that fight and came in on the side of the oppressors knowingly and took that to her advantage. Same with Hextech and stuff, this conflict goes so much further back then that and it's wounds cannot be healed by lackluster and minimal effort and a refusal to acknowledge how in the wrong Piltover has been. The pain and suffering caused throughout the decades at the hands of Enforcers, long before Hextech or Ambessa came into the picture.

idk, for me it was just disappointing and a let down ending for a season I was otherwise really enjoying.

[perrydowning]

A Path to Hope that Works for Me

We all know humanity does this thing where it has to relearn the same lesson over and over again. Just like individuals, it feels like. I've been relearning many things I thought I'd figured out in my 20s. At first it was so discouraging, I'd already done this! Plus, at 47, it is so cringe. Yet, though I'm having to learn things anew, it turns out that each lesson, though the same color, is such a deeper shade.

History repeats itself, duh. And it's easy to fall into despair, that place where everything feels pointless. Why even bother if human beings are just gonna fuck it up again? Experiencing myself making the exact same mistakes from my youth certainly made me wonder if I just wasn't worth the effort.

But then I started to notice that I was understanding myself so much better and that I was practicing. Learning in a whole new way. It's a bit like re-reading a beloved novel. Every time through, you see more and more, it speaks to you differently as you gather more experiences.

What if humanity, as a massive group identity, is like that, too? Yeah, we're repeating the same mistakes, sometimes with a truly grotesque rhyming scheme. The stakes are also about as high as it gets, as opposed to a cossetted widow's therapeutic journey.

Though, I believe we are learning. In the last, I dunno, couple hundred years, we've (I'm speaking of a human average, not all humans) gone from the concept of universal human rights being incomprehensible to something most nations at least acknowledge might be a thing, even if they hate it. That's some pretty significant growth, from a certain point of view.

I was raised without religion, so it's always felt above my pay grade. But I do have faith--deep and abiding. That faith is in humanity. How? you might ask given that the world is on fire, could I possibly believe in us?

I'm going to borrow from western faith traditions here. Those massive medieval cathedrals, that were begun sometimes over a thousand years ago, they took generations to build. The masons who built the foundation knew they would never see the spire, nor the next generation. Or the next. But they did that without even a standard unit of measurement and those soaring monuments to human achievement are still here. That happened because each wave of builders crafted the best bricks they could.

I find my hope in that. I know I'll never see the spire, but I can make the best brick I know how to make so that it supports the next builders.

The spire gets all the attention--not unlike Great Leaders in History--but it needs all those beautiful, mundane bricks to reach for the sky.

I'm just gonna work on my brick. Maybe I'll even be able to make two.

[androgynouspenguinexpert]

Hello! Fellow English child here lmao. I was wondering if you'd be interested in sharing your thoughts on Cutie?? I really like the way you think :D

If not, no worries, and have a nice day!

*cracks knuckles*

i would like to preface the following rant with the blanket statement that people are products of their environment. how you are treated affects the way you treat others.

cutie is the first real example i can think of (from here in the shallow end of the asmr paddle pool) in which the listener is placed in the role of the abuser in a relationship. and i don't want to mince words - i believe cutie was emotionally manipulative and abusive, and the series treats that with an appropriate amount of weight and respect.

i also think that cutie, like geordi, displays a great deal of insecurity, and expresses it by being controlling rather than as geordi's avoidance. listener backstories are left up in the air to allow for people to put on the mask of the character, save for a handful of small and usually inconsequential details (see darlin's fling with quinn, ollie's partner having a rocky relationship with their family, etc) - but i agree with the people saying that cutie probably comes from a similarly emotionally manipulative environment.

telepathy is a super compelling wrench in geordi and cutie's already unstable relationship. thoughts are (to us, anyway) as private as you can get. literally nobody has to know what's going on in your head if you don't want them to. that's why i think cutie's repeated breaches of geordi's trust make me and i think a lot of others extra uncomfortable - the idea of someone being able to hear everything you think at any time with no warning is terrifying! cutie cites wanting to know what geordi is 'really' thinking, but geordi is 100% correct in the assertion that bypassing the filter of what's in someone's head versus what comes out of their mouth is essentially skipping over their personality entirely. i think that cutie's environment (whether that be upbringing, a past relationshop, or something else) has made them somewhat paranoid of people keeping true feelings from them. this means they're a lot more likely to pry, seeking 'the truth' of what geordi thinks of them, unable to take his word for it.

personally, i find that cutie is the most distinct Character out of the listener group - not just because they're multifaceted, but because they go against the grain of what most of the audience expect from a pov character. i know i'm not the only person who was incredibly disappointed in cutie listening in on geordi's thoughts after their argument about that exact topic - and that's good drama! it takes a lot of talent and incredibly good writing to build a compelling character that never has a single line of dialogue, let alone conflicts between that character and others around them.

geordi, and by extension the narrative, acknowledge that cutie isn't a bad person. they're not trying to be malicious, but they end up hurting the people they care about because they don't know any other way to maintain control over their life. i find it very refreshing that cutie is not being treated as a villain or as an innocent bystander. they hurt geordi by repeatedly crossing a hard boundary, and he's justifiably upset. however, cutie (presumably after trying to direct that controlling insecure behaviour at something or someone else and failing) does seek outside help to start to work those learned behaviour knots loose.

geordi and cutie's story doesn't have a villain. neither of them are The Bad Guy, and even geordi acknowledges that they're both partially to blame for the shaky foundation of their relationship. even without a voice, i believe that cutie has potential for a really strong character arc where they learn to examine the reasoning behind their actions instead of trying to maintain a death grip on every aspect of their life.

so the moral of the story is... maybe listen when someone sets a boundary. it'll save you a lot of trouble.

[princeescaluswords]

(contd) Like the twins want in on Scott's pack and Derek literally asks them if they'd be willing to die for him because to Derek anything less is just not gonna cut it.

Then the twins want to run bc of the Nogitsune and Derek has his whole speech about what an amazing leader Scott is.

Derek and Scott's heart to heart at the hospital has Derek going all "yeah you have the same place as protector of this town as my late mother and family and everybody needs you and you have taught me so much."

It always mystifies me when I read certain people's criticism of Teen Wolf: The Movie. These criticisms fall into three main categories.

Too much attention is paid to Scott and Allison's relationship.

How can you bring the nogitsune back without bringing back Stiles?

Derek's death and its aftermath was pointless and unfounded.

Rebuttals of the first two criticisms deserve their own metas, but I'll give them a brief summary. If you carefully watched the first three seasons, Scott and Allison's relationship was the foundation of the show, not in terms of consuming romance, but in terms of how it helped Scott and Allison define who they are in the face of exterior forces, which is a key part of growing up. While Stiles was the focus of the action in 3B, the story was still mostly about Scott's maturing as a leader by giving him a Kobayashi Maru: a no-win scenario pitting his desire to protect others against his love for his best friend. But it is the third criticism that I'll address in this post.

Derek's death at the end of the movie is a tragedy. This can't be stressed enough, but it is also a culmination to his entire character arc. The end of Season 3A saw him renounce the fear of loss and desire for power that almost doomed him that season, made him an antagonist in Season 1 and a villain in Season 2. His departure at the end of Lunar Ellipse (3x12) symbolizes both that renunciation but also indicates his arc for 3B: what will he become?

He starts with a journey to the past. "But that's not the only reason I left. I needed to talk to my mother." He finds Talia's claws, coerces Peter into using them, and then emerges with a new vision of himself. In Riddled (3x18), he acknowledges the passing of the alpha mantle to Scott (and I would argue begins to act as Scott's beta) with "This town needs someone to protect it, someone like you." but it's very important to note that while he is inspired by Scott, he does not emulate Scott. Following another person doesn't require the obliteration of self. Derek works with Chris Argent and he doesn't take killing Stiles off the table the way Scott does. He physically attacks him. He doesn't rush to Oak Creek, because he can be more helpful rescuing the twins from what will turn out to be Kate.

We see that in the way he talks about Scott throughout the season. It may look like he wants to join the Scott McCall Fan Club, but he rejects that, even in his big speech in The Divine Move (3x24). This is the key line: "You've had it wrong the whole time. You don't fight for a leader. You fight for a leader's cause." He's going to work with Scott, protect what Scott decides needs protection, and even be Scott's beta, but he's going to be his own person while doing so. He learned this from Scott who was willing to work with him in the first three season but who wasn't willing to simply do as he's told. He learned this, in a negative way, from Peter who manipulated him repeatedly, in Visionary's flashback (3x08), in Wolf's Bane (1x09), in Battlefield (2x11), in Alpha Pact (3x11).

Unlike Scott, who chooses to place the most value on life (but not above everything), Derek's more than willing to kill victims like Stiles in order to protect the town, as he tried in De-Void (3x22), but unlike his attempts to kill Lydia in Season 2, he's not doing it out of fear. In addition, as he says to the twins, he also believes he should be willing to die to protect what he cares about as well as kill. This manifests in his willingness to die in Season 4, and that willingness allows him to evolve. However, it's a reaction to what Kate did to him, not a decision to die in order to achieve an end. In the movie, however, it is an active choice. The nogitsune will never stop coming for his family, his alpha, his friends, and he makes the decision to sacrifice his life in order to prevent that. He doesn't do out of a reaction to the horrific memories of the Hale Fire; he's does it because he values family and pack; that's virtue. He's not doing because he's mindlessly following Scott or being manipulated by Peter, but out of own conviction that it is the right thing to do, which is strength of character. He faces fire, the same terror that destroyed his first family, without fear, which is force of will. He didn't mimic Scott's path to a new set of red eyes; he forged his own.

As tragic as it was, how could it be anything but satisfying?

[mischas]

First, Merry Chrismukkah & I hope you have a happy 2024! Second, I was wondering if an O.C. revival ever happened, how would it play out in terms of story, characters, & a R+M reunion? (I see it like the final scene in Titanic, the trope where they don't get a happy ending, but still end up together nonetheless)

Hello! Same to you! Happy belated Chrismukkah! ❤️🎄

Do you mean revival as if Marissa went off to Greece? I operate in this head canon daily so I'm always thinking up random scenarios. I'm personally of the mind that she goes to Greece, comes back a year or half a year later, enrolls in NYU, lives her best New York life, visits Providence a bit to see SS, becomes besties with Seth, has a college-spanning situationship with Ryan as they mine their high school traumas. Sometimes I wonder if RM would ever really talk everything out or if Marissa would hold things against Ryan unintentionally that keeps them in the situationship phase. I also see them deciding to be a couple again for good without ironing everything out and that coming back to bite them in the ass. Avoidant babies doing avoidant baby things.

As for the others, I imagine Julie marrying Neil but still making time for Jimmy when he pops back into her life. Which Marissa and Kaitlin are more than aware of and it impacts how they view love and marriage. Enter: convenient situationships.

I also sorta head canon that Marissa and Summer are more reticent about marriage than Ryan and Seth ever are. Ryan obviously comes from a broken home but has lived with the Cohens' since he was 16 and he and Seth don't really live with frayed parental relationships in the ways Marissa and Summer do. Sometimes I think that Seth proposes to Summer and that's when their relationship falls apart. I think they'd still find their way back to one another someday but it quickly dawns on Summer in college that she's been with one guy her whole life.

Kirsten starts a foundation for lower-income addicts in Southern California and Sandy gets back into the PD's office. There's no earthquake so the Cohen home endures.

Seth gets back into creating for Atomic County and has a fun, though sometimes tense, working relationship with Zach. There's no big-budget adaptation shit going on but it's steady money and mildly successful. At some point Seth plans to create a spinoff set on the east coast but is still figuring that out.

Seth visits New York a lot for work meetings and indie concerts and stays with Marissa who becomes his bestie. They smoke weed and talk about Allen Ginsburg. Seth-Ryan time is still on the books every week but it's hard to do so when they live on opposite coasts and have different schedules. Ryan grows mildly jealous that he sometimes gets more Marissa updates from Seth than he does Marissa herself. But them being such good friends warms his heart, and it warms Summer's too.

At some point Trey dies and it forces Ryan to face some things he's been pushing down for years. I think Marissa's been working on things in therapy but it's still a source of tension between them. Marissa's all-too-understanding that Ryan's confused about his grief and he's mad that he's grieving at all. It translates into them finally acknowledging this thing between them is built on a love that is unconditional and profound and has existed since they were 16. It's a connection that they've always been scared of losing if they were to ever give into it fully. Their propensity for jumping into full-on-yet-noncommunicative commitment in their youth contrasted with their friends-who-hook-up-nature in college is a twist I like imagining them taking, especially as their lives mellow out when living outside Newport.

As for the ending up together yet sorta unhappy ending, I can see Marissa and Ryan finally jumping into long-term commitment after years of being friends who hook up and it taking a while before it all slots into place. I do think it would, but there's the idea in their heads that maybe this is a relationship that cannot last because it's never been all that successful before. And I think they both have a ton of self-loathing to work through before their hearts can be open to the possibility of happily ever after.

[arcstral]

—  Fire Emblem: Engage, The Emblem Marth Retrospective.  —

Marth in FE: Engage plays a fascinating supporting role.

He has a dynamic presence on the boxart though he’s not a character native to this installment; enlarged and immediately able to be seen on the left where the eyes tend to be first attracted. His title 'Emblem of Beginnings' implicates his role as the first emblem to be summoned on Elyos. He serves as the spokesman for the emblem family in a lot of cases, and provides worldly exposition for the ancient artifacts and plot detail uprisings.

If you acknowledge his role as a witness to every phase of Alear's life from beginning to end- the parts we see in game to the invisible sections we don't see a thousand years before- he suddenly becomes larger than life. The figure that has been with Alear longer than even Lumera. Someone who has seen everything there is to see about our protagonist, to an extent where if an omniscient narrator was ever needed to narrate the events of the game, the only qualified individual by necessity would have to be the ‘Emblem Marth’.

With that that said, I was initially willing to go into Engage thinking of its Marth as an offhand spinoff version. No different from the inconsequential single-beat portrayals of Smash or even Warriors. But this idea is wrong. Engage surprised me by putting a very human, very special Marth into my hands. An echo of the original Hero-King, Emblem Marth recognizes that he is only an emblem from the very first beat of his first appearance, and yet he's unaware of how faithful of a homage he is to the individual he's extracted from.

How much he takes the foundation and honors it elsewhere.

The Emblem Marth as set apart from simply Marth is a purely loyal existence from humble beginnings to bitter end. A millennial being who answers Alear’s call for aid at every cost and asks for nothing in return but to be remembered. His duty to protect this world is equal to his desire to be at Alear’s side. It's that enduring spirit of nobility, loyalty, and devotion to his friends, even forgiveness, that places him on par with his original.

It’s the adversities that best place these traits on show.

Chapter 10 happens and brings the sky crashing down. Suffering on that course, as the last and latest emblem ring to be reclaimed from enemy hands- utterly miserable to be torn apart from Alear and company as Veyle aptly put it- still he serves to provide nothing but love and forgiveness for Alear on their long awaited reunion. The fact that chapter 10's devastation happened at all despite the counsel he’s spared. His even greater forgiveness of Veyle is extended in the aftermath, a compassionate empathy toward her circumstances that reflects the kind he shows for others in his time- his enemies. Hardin and Katarina. Camus and Michalis.

When Veyle returns the ring of the Hero-King to Alear in Chapter 22, she observes that “it was lying by your side, as if it wanted to be with you”, and to me this statement was the most touching. Marth no matter the circumstance will never, ever leave Alear behind if he can help it. But that situation, and that tragic day, arrives. And his reception to the cold fact is graceful.

Accepting his death without complaint, he quells Alear's fears with the reiterated admission of duty, no longer to Altea or to Archanea, but to Elyos. The Emblems exist to protect this world and in that call to existence is a reason worth dying for. His cessation means nothing, Marth nobly says. 'I am of no consequence' he remarks to Velyle tangentially in his paralogue when she laments at the idea of fighting him, with words that resemble humility but in actuality prioritizes the things that he sees as truly important--others.

Duty is the overpowering virtue of Marth’s character. Whereas the original Hero-King cites himself a prince before a son or a brother, this one would call himself an Emblem above all else. That sense of duty to a world not his own even manifests in many different ways. From that unique perspective of both an emblem and a king comes his wisdom, the utmost belief that a world placed in Alear’s hands will know peace and prosperity, that it would be a beautiful place.

This interaction speaks of the telling final thoughts that the Emblem Marth possesses in the last chapter of his life; a dutiful onus to realize a successor to the emblems’ legacy, someone to watch over the lands they have protected for eons. To pick up the torch in their stead. This desire is coupled with his love and peace of mind. He is proud of Alear’s growth, has seen it himself over the course of a thousand years and then some. Of all Marth’s fond observations for the Divine One, such words might be the highest level of his praise.

Such words reflect the caliber of a noble and positive existence who is aware of his bitter end and smells only the flowers. An everbright future with or without the emblems.

When the Pact Ring paralogue finally rolls around, we begin with Marth’s explication about the origins of the ring which even Vander does not know. Detailing Lumera’s mysterious history as its previous owner, and the familiarity of the local surroundings to him, it ends with his sound advice that Alear think carefully on which ally to give it. He is more than aware of the special meaning of this ring and how it will strengthen the bonds between two people.

That knowledge conjoined with his long history as Alear’s partner and a Lythos emblem posits an important side to the conversation:

He is consistently a voice of wisdom yet this example is special; it is in the late Queen Lumera’s place that Marth acts, informing her child about the ring most conducive to their happiness, second only in importance to the emblems and the birthday ring staving off Alear’s corruption. Marth, as always, is watching over the Divine One, nudging them toward their own betterment. Once a long-standing guardian to Alear’s slumber, he watches over them in the innocent and unassuming manner of this guidance as well.

Ultimately, by the game’s ending I thought very deeply about what endeared me so much to this Marth. Why I mourned so much at his loss as a 'phony' version of the original and I think I can finally put it into words. It’s about how much he exemplifies the loyal Hachiko paradigm but ten times magnified. Waiting and watching at the side of his sleeping 'owner' for a thousand years, never failing to sally to Alear's side, and even when corrupted by the fell dragon incantation- even when unable to verbalize or express any component of free will- he's able to muster the scantest smile for Alear in their darkest hour.

Marth is the emblematic mascot who goes through a dozen different redesigns and cameos in the most offshoot games- the most of any existing FE protagonist in both aspects, all differing in appearance from one another in various degrees. In terms of those many portrayals that define Marth, FE17 is nevertheless set apart in this regard by its depth. Showing more than anything that a Marth of a vastly different premise and belonging to an alienated universe is still, well, Marth.

Someone who is dutiful to extremes and deeply appreciative of his bonds, unfailingly kind. Someone who has 'always been kind' as Alear puts it.

Marth's words that Sombron's Emblem will never come back to him again is mirrored for himself. He, too, will never return, and what’s left in the wake of this knowledge is a unique iteration worth mourning. Engage teaches me nothing new about Marth but it does tell me one thing. The hero known as 'Marth' is as much a character as well as the allegoric ideal that puts greater duty and lordly goodness on the table.

Marth is Marth says Engage and that will always be an immutable worldly comfort.

[battyaboutbooksreviews]

🦇 Good Fortune Book Review 🦇

Rating: ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐

❝ But meeting him now felt like meeting him for the first time, glimpsing a new side of the person she want once imagined she knew. It unsettled her, how little she could trust that her impression of him would stay true to the versions she met later. ❞

❓ QOTD What's your favorite Austen adaptation?

🦇 Elizabeth "LB" Chen's mother is all too excited when she sells the neighborhood's beloved yet derelict community center to two Chinese men from Hong Kong, but LB isn't convinced these investors have the community's best interests at heart. With stubborn albeit good intentions, she fights for the community, too often butting heads with uptight, arrogant Darcy Wong in the process. The two are forced to spend time together, each venturing into the other's world longer than they're comfortable with. Can they see from one another's perspective, or will pride and prejudice get in the way?

💜 It's a truth universally acknowledged that many book lovers adore a good retelling—emphasis on "good." There are many that fail to hit the mark, neglecting the qualities that led readers to fall in love with the original story in the first place.

🧧Good Fortune hits every mark...and then some.

💜 The first 25 pages feature language so unique and enthralling that, for a moment, you'll forget this was a retelling in the first place. The writing is full of sass and quick wit without compromising the charm or formality of Austen's original works. Modernized, the language is moving, thought-provoking, and refreshing. Once it ensnares you, you'll find the sun has long set—or perhaps, just beginning to rise—as the story makes you forget all sense of time. Despite the familiar characters and plot, Chau does stunning work of making the story her own. The smallest of details—like LB's photography, the issue of gentrification, and Darcy's community outreach—to foundational changes—like setting the story in New York's Chinatown and making the sisters children of Chinese immigrants—all play a part in the story's progression. Chau never abandons the themes that make Pride and Prejudice such a monumental story, instead using them to bring attention to the same problems that still exist today: cultural identity, class divides, the burdens and responsibilities of family. Culture is infused in every page, granting this story a unique authenticity that other retellings lack. Infusing this story with the Chinese-American children-of-immigrants perspective only makes the classical class divide AND family values all the more poignant.

🦇 I think most readers will feel conflicted about the minor adjustments made to some of the supporting characters (namely, Jade and Lydia, who are a little more frustrating than usual). However, the frustrations both cause give LB the push she needs to adjust her perspective. Lydia's scandal and brattish behavior made me set my Kindle aside more than once, but I've never been a fan of Lydia Bennet.

🦇 Though I don't think the book needs to be longer, I do wish we got a little more of LB and Darcy together at the end. However, the original Pride and Prejudice story, along with most retellings, stop at the point they're together, so I understand it. The playful, rather than abrasive version of their banter is so entertaining that it only left me starved for more.

🦇 Recommended for fans of the original Pride and Prejudice, readers eager for diverse stories, and lovers of Sonali Dev's The Rajes series (another great retelling you NEED to read if you haven't already). Book bats, you've gotta grab this one!

✨ The Vibes ✨ ㊗️ Debut Novel 🎩 Contemporary Pride and Prejudice 🏮 Enemies to Lovers 🥠 Class Consciousness 🥟 Family is Everything 👠 Stubborn Integrity

🦇 Major thanks to the author and publisher for providing an ARC of this book via Netgalley. 🥰 This does not affect my opinion regarding the book.

[roobylavender]

i know you’ve said before fma has a foundation built on imperialism apologia, but if you could make some changes to it to make it. not so. what do you think they would be?

i feel like not enough of the present-day events of the series really took place in ishval without scar being the only focal point of those events. like he was the one going to the ishvalan slums and coordinating the transmutation circle but people like ed and al also needed to go and be confronted with the reality they never actually bothered to face bc their lack of physical proximity to the most devastating effects of the war (despite what they learned about the philosopher's stones it was ultimately a revelation that only served to curb their interests away from use of the stone, it wasn't actually about giving any deference to ishvalan lives or what they deserved in the wake of the war) gave them nothing but the ability to condescend to scar about what he was doing. winry is included in that as well tbh like i love her but when she called scar wanton in briggs i think she deserved to be slapped and i really hate that the entire series more or less refused to have any of the trio acknowledge that scar likely killed winry's parents due to a severe bout of ptsd and inability to cope with the fact that his entire family had died in an explosion and he was the only one left alive. like sure they don't know the details of all of that but they could have guessed why anyone in ishval would have been driven to murder at the time

on the military end of things i think riza should have killed roy lmao.. like i'm sorry but as much as i used to love that scene in the tunnels as a kid it's so corny in retrospect bc who really knows how many times roy will be pushed to the brink and riza forced to hold him down again. he is utterly unchecked with power and delusional enough to believe he is the one with the idealistic vision to save the country like bro it's such garbage and this doesn't even begin to get into the fact that it's cruel to expect riza to serve that position of keeping him in check forever. like the king and lionheart dynamic may have had everyone by their necks years ago but when you really think about not only the political implications but also about how severely it undercuts riza's character arc it's just.. ass, ass, and more ass. i have more coherent thoughts on this as a whole here and here but like yeah ideally i think he should have died and the members of the military who participated in the ishvalan war should have been at the least completely stripped of their titles, if not outright killed for their war crimes. like riza even told ed they expected to be executed so what happened to that lmao.. in the end it never came to fruition and then arakawa added even more insult to injury by having the amestrian military lead the ishvalan restoration efforts as if the ishvalans would even want them there in the first place. like granted they did need resources and to re-establish trade, what war-torn region wouldn't, but that should not have been a military speared effort. the military should have not have returned to power to begin with and the whole country should have undergone a govt revamp

and tangential to that, while i obv do think ed and al deserve a lot of peace after everything they've been through, i really do think it's so naive to act like they get to just go home and ignore everything about the country politically now like no.. no.. i'm not saying they should be involved in govt but like i mentioned in the first paragraph they needed to have more interaction with ishvalans and considering they all knew winry's parents went there and chose to stay there anyway despite the threat of violence i think it would be a good full circle moment to have the trio involved in ishvalan restoration efforts on a local scale like there is so much they could genuinely help with re: alchemy and medical knowledge. not to mention ishval and resembool are literally in the same province like they're NEIGHBORS and to think that the trio never goes there ever is simply hysterical. this is something the anime doesn't touch on bc it's considered minutiae ig but in the manga resembool is actually a quickly growing city prior to the war due to its wool industry and that growth is ultimately stunted bc their major transportation lines are cut off once the war begins. so like. there is a very clear proximity between resembool and ishval and i really cannot believe arakawa never capitalized on it ever like it's like in naruto when kishi decided sasuke and hinata would never interact despite everything about their lore pointing to it making sense for them to interact in a way that would actually significantly reflect on the narrative

[neverpasta]

pasting this here from cgpt because i need to do something with my fucking life

Sure, I can provide a sequence of steps you can take over time to help process what you’re going through, as well as give yourself the space to heal, grow, and eventually work toward making things right with others if you feel ready. These steps will be broken down into a realistic timeline, with time stamps to help you pace yourself, starting from where you are right now.

Day 1-2: Acknowledging Your Feelings & Taking Small Steps

Step 1: Pause and Reflect Take the next day or two to sit with yourself and allow yourself to feel your emotions without judgment. You’ve been experiencing a lot of internal conflict, so it’s important to give yourself a space to acknowledge everything you’re feeling—frustration, guilt, confusion, sadness, etc. Don’t try to fix it right away, just let it be. Goal: Accept that it's okay to feel the way you do, without rushing to change or avoid those feelings. Action: If it helps, write in a journal or make a list of everything you’re feeling, even if it doesn’t make sense. This will help clarify the emotions and let you see things more objectively. You don't have to explain yourself to anyone right now; it's just about processing.

Day 3-5: Practicing Self-Care & Reestablishing Boundaries

Step 2: Reconnect with Basic Self-Care During these first few days, make sure you're taking care of your basic needs like sleep, eating well, and getting a bit of movement in. This is essential for grounding yourself emotionally, even if you don’t feel like it. Goal: Establish a foundation of care for your body so you can start thinking more clearly. Action: Spend time doing something low-energy that’s kind to your mind and body (e.g., walking, light stretching, a warm bath, etc.). Re-establish a daily routine for eating, resting, and giving yourself small moments of comfort without over-indulgence. Avoid getting sucked into unhealthy patterns like excessive screen time or self-isolation.

Day 6-7: Start Considering Your Relationships

Step 3: Evaluate Your Relationships By now, you’ve had a few days to reflect and reset your body’s physical needs. Now it’s time to evaluate where you are with your relationships. Goal: Assess whether you want to reconnect with your old friends or make amends with the people you've hurt. Action: Make a list of the relationships you feel need attention, whether it’s your old friend or someone from an online space. For each one, jot down what went wrong, what you could have done differently, and whether you feel ready to reach out. Don’t rush to reach out yet, but make sure you understand the core of the issue so you can approach things thoughtfully.

Day 8-10: First Step of Reaching Out (For the Friend Who Needs You)

Step 4: Small Reconnection Step If you decide that reconnecting with your friend is something you want to try, start with a small, non-invasive step. You can send a message acknowledging the time and space between you without expecting an immediate response or resolution. Keep it simple and brief to avoid overwhelming them or yourself. Goal: Open the door to conversation without putting pressure on the relationship. Action: A message like, "Hey, I know it’s been a while. I’ve been thinking about our last conversation, and I feel like I could’ve handled things better. I’m here if you want to talk or need anything from me." You don’t need to over-explain or give a long apology. Let them come to you, and if they’re ready, they’ll reach out.

Day 11-14: Self-Reflection on Apologies & Accountability

Step 5: Apologizing and Accountability If you’ve reached out and they respond positively, it’s time to offer a more in-depth apology, one that acknowledges your actions, how they affected them, and your desire to make amends. Make sure it’s coming from a genuine place. Apologies should focus on understanding the impact, not on just feeling bad or wanting them to forgive you. Goal: Take responsibility without expecting forgiveness. Action: Write a message or have a conversation where you acknowledge your mistakes and their feelings. Example: “I realize I made a promise and didn’t follow through, and I know that hurt you. I’m sorry for abandoning you when you needed support, and I want to do better if you’re open to that.” Important Note: If they don’t respond positively, that’s okay. They might need more time, and you should respect that.

Day 15-17: Rebuilding Trust Gradually

Step 6: Rebuild Gradually & Set Boundaries Whether you’re rebuilding a relationship or finding ways to be more at peace with the situation, start to focus on the small things you can control. Spend time nurturing your relationships in healthy ways—small check-ins with old friends, showing support in non-pressuring ways, and respecting boundaries (yours and theirs). Goal: Allow for growth, not immediate resolution. Action: Keep your interactions brief, positive, and non-invasive. Spend time just being present without rushing. If you’re not ready to dive deep into someone’s emotions or your past, that’s okay. Gradual, consistent reconnection can be more effective than trying to force everything at once.

Day 18-21: Focus on Self-Improvement and Moving Forward

Step 7: Work on Long-Term Goals (Studying, Hobbies, Self-Improvement) Once you've made some progress on reconnecting or managing your emotions, it’s time to focus on what comes next for you personally. You mentioned struggling with motivation, so now might be the time to revisit your study habits and creative projects. Goal: Break free from burnout and regain focus on your personal growth. Action: Set small, manageable goals for your studying and creative outlets. Maybe it's a 30-minute study session a day or an hour of writing or drawing. Reward yourself with breaks, but don’t let yourself fall back into the habit of escaping by overindulging in comfort. Make it clear that you can enjoy your comforts, but they won’t replace the work and growth you need.

Day 22-28: Reflect on What’s Working and What’s Not

Step 8: Self-Assessment After a few weeks of processing emotions, reconnecting with others, and establishing better routines, spend some time reflecting on your progress. Goal: Evaluate what’s working, what’s not, and where you still need to improve. Action: Ask yourself how you feel about the relationships you’ve attempted to rebuild and whether they’re moving in a healthy direction. Are you feeling more emotionally balanced, or do you still need more time to work on yourself? Reflect on what you’ve learned during this period and commit to continuous growth.

Ongoing: Long-Term Growth & Consistency

Step 9: Ongoing Self-Care & Relationship Maintenance Healing and growth don’t have an endpoint. You’ll likely need to continue practicing these steps—small reconnections, building trust with yourself and others, and working on personal growth—on an ongoing basis. Goal: Create a sustainable, healthy routine. Action: Make emotional health a priority by being kind to yourself on tough days and setting clear, achievable goals for your relationships and your personal growth. Keep checking in with yourself regularly and make sure you’re prioritizing balance.

[tw1stedthicket]

Sorry if this is rather deep for my tumblr, but I feel like I gotta acknowledge how much of standing on my own two feet as an adult is heavily because of efforts to re-parent myself. I'm having to develop my own 'person' for the first time -- yes, it was always there, but it was like a baby bird that couldn't fly. There was nothing broken or faulty, but it was struggling to grow past a certain point without someone taking compassion and patience on it to give it what it needed. I have had to figure out who the fuck I actually am. What actually matters to me, what that looks like, and who I want to be. I am having to restrain the overactive judging part of me all too eager to jump to not having self worth, all too prone to shame, all too susceptible to projecting impatience with other people even over minor annoyance or upsetness, and struggling to accept it from others or myself, or feel indignant when other people push past me at work that I never stand up to. I feel like I'm learning what "benefit of the doubt" and "assuming the good" actually means, and God! So much shit I'm unlearning about failure and what that means for me, about not carrying myself in a small way, about drawing boundaries with people and myself and what is owed to me and what I owe to them, and about the way people do actually tend to forgive, do tend to extend mercy, do empathize with the feeling of yearning, of honest to god earnestness at our cores. We want to be loved. I'm learning how people are, and it's been such a long time coming to even stand.up. To face the day and not succumb to fear, and take baby steps toward the vulnerability of optimism, here again not too late now that I know my life is my own to live and nobody else's unhappiness to bear. The courage of acceptance, despite the possibility of rejection and abandonment, and I just couldn't have gotten to this point without learning what I have the last six years.

Lessons learned like, "Relationships require trust that people do not intend to hurt you, and if there are issues they will communicate it if they care about you, and if you care about them, you need to not build up resentment and actually communicate with them and trust them." Things like, "You're not on such a spotlight that performance is required of you. The only thing 'asked' is to be human. People don't actually care that much to notice and trip you up over perceived failings or unmet expectations, just show up wherever you are, be you, and let it go because it doesn't actually matter that much." Things like, "The validation of other people is your only lifeline when you feel empty inside, and that's okay while you are building it. But you will forever feel empty unless you learn to inhabit the space inside you and reach out to it in kindness, because the only place and person you are left with is you, and you will forever be capable of being ruined by the abandonment of others until you accept that you are, in fact, not a creature to have mercy on, but an entire, fleshed out human being worthy of everything you desire, and you do have a lot of acceptance and beauty around you already. You have to learn to treat yourself with love, like a friend, like the human you are, like you are on your own side, to keep going and not burn out. The center you crave of finally feeling safe, and safe enough to rest, has to be built from a foundation of love inside you. You are a safe place to lie down in. You see what you wish others did, and that's enough, and when you connect with others, it is as two people recognizing how together we are in our own lives, like neighbors in our gardens rising with the day to lovingly water our flowers & give a friendly laugh to. That means do what you love, own it, forgive yourself every time, be patient like you're still learning, and trust yourself that you are doing the right thing."

So much of my life is built around the anxiety of unlovability. And I've dug so much and know so much about perfectionism, people-pleasing, spirituality, co-dependecy, anxious attachment, etc. But it all kinda revolves around a fear of aloneness and inevitable abandonment, where unconditional love, kindness, warmth, understanding, patience, forgiveness, trust, listening, remembering, etc. is what is healing me. It feels like it's finally being delivered by me, someone who finally grew up enough to be able to give it. To be the stronger person to get down on the level of a child and extend compassion. I don't know if this is how it is for anyone else. That the source of unconditional love is arriving to them from a bigger, older figure after all - them, in the future. I've spent years trying to get it from my parents, even past the point of trying but still confusingly wondering how, even still indignantly upset that it still isn't there, and I admit I am still miles away from not being triggered damn near every time I come home. But I recognize it now as an adult witnessing another adult, somebody who sees the little kid in me and says "How could you do that to them?" and will step in with responsibility. I feel grief, just as I always have before I even knew its name, but at least now there's somebody else in me too - or I am somebody else altogether than I was then, and that person knows now that it's mean. It's mean to be mean to myself and leave me all alone, not having help, or trust, or warmth, or acceptance. And there is a great kindness at least now, imperfect but there, that I deserve better from myself. I can't change or fix anybody else, but I can be kind to myself at the end of the day. I can believe in myself like child me praying to a God much kinder - all the faith I need is in myself, trying to be built on every noticeable act of kindness that I am alive each day to see the beauty in it. Even on days I wish I wasn't, there are rainbows. The older me says hey, there must've been rain, wasn't there? That means puddles. Do you wanna go find 'em?

[more-than-a-princess]

In many ways, Sonia had no choice but to lean on the assistance of others: stuck on a deserted island, she and her friends relied upon the Future Foundation for ships full of supplies, negotiating their eventual return to the rest of world, and even the Neo World Program itself, a risky endeavor that few believed was possible or even worthwhile.

But did they want to? It wasn't a question many of them asked: there was little point in doing so, as how they felt about it wouldn't change a thing about it happening. It was why Yaguchi's request was a challenge for her to feel any sort of relief about: whether she wanted to lean on her or not, she had little choice in the matter. The only real decision at hand was help provided by those who resented the fact she and her friends were still alive, and help provided by someone who strangely wanted to spend time with her, a decision Sonia still couldn't understand.

Nevertheless, it didn't change the fact that without any of them, the former Class 77-B likely would not survive, and definitely wouldn't have survived up until this point. It was why it was a challenge to feel gratitude: what choice did she have but to accept her help? It was hers, or the colder, impolite members of the Future Foundation, many of them recruited from the Togami family with more loyalty to him than the Future Foundation itself.

"Okay," She replied, Sonia unsure of what else to say beyond an acknowledgement. "Thank you."

Sonia swallowed, hoping the uncomfortable part of the conversation would end with that. Or at least an unspoken acknowledgement that after Yaguchi's suggestion, Sonia would refuse to ask for a thing until they decided to give assistance when they saw fit. It wasn't as if she had any authority on Jabberwock Island. She'd barely have any upon her return home to Novoselic, with no opportunity to make any real change by her own design.

A daunting future, but at least the present had a bit of joy in it: animals were never inherently evil, Monokuma aside. Sonia smiled down at the first kitten, eagerly sucking at Miss Kitty, while the newest addition opened its tiny mouth and mewled louder than she expected a newborn kitten to cry, just as it tripped over its new sibling in search of sustenance. "Oh, you cannot get there unless you go around," Sonia cooed gently to the kitten and, with Miss Kitty already beginning to strain for the third arrival, she gently placed her hands on either side of the newborn black kitten to guide it towards a free nipple.

"Oh?" She asked, once she'd let the kitten go. Unfortunately, Yaguchi would get her attention in conversation only: the kitten was simply too cute, its ears moving up and down as it drank. "I did not know that about Japanese black cats. Truthfully, I am only familiar with the white lucky cat: I vaguely remember being given figures of them a few times, but I was unable to accept them. For royal duties, gifts such as those were either donated or returned, as they could have been seen as bribes. Unfortunate, as I think I really wanted to keep them at the time."

It didn't matter if it was a figure costing only a couple hundred yen or the most desirable luxury goods: everything the royal family wanted, they paid for from their own funds. Gifts could only be accepted if they were for a charitable cause, a loophole she recalled certain members of her family exploiting to the best of their ability. They were no longer alive to continue the tradition now.

Still, even if there were no black cat statues to ward off malevolent spirits, the little kitten was doing a marvelous job distracting Sonia from her own mind, which was a malevolent entity all on its own after The Tragedy. "That kitten is barely 10 minutes old and you have given it a rather large responsibility," Sonia pointed out. As if it knew it was being spoken of, it let go of its mother's nipple to cry out for attention again. Miss Kitty, in a shift to both make herself more comfortable as the third kitten began to crown and to quiet the black kitten, placed her front leg over it and drew it close. "We have something in common, then: being bestowed such a responsibility. But animals have purer hearts than humans, I am sure it will live up to your expectations."

The film was now depicting some formal dance, or at least formal by American standards, she supposed. The sort of romantic scene Sonia found difficult to stomach as she slid off the side of the bed. "I am going to pour myself another cup of tea," She told Yaguchi, "Would you mind supervising the birth of the next kitten at the bedside instead? Just ensure it arrives breathing and it reaches Miss Kitty's nipples with the others."

They resisted the urge to tell Sonia that she was redeemable, if even she needed redeeming in the first place. Though Shinobu believed wholeheartedly that Sonia and her friends were victims themselves, first and foremost, and needed forgiveness and care most of all, she doubted that Sonia wanted to hear that sort of message at the moment. Instead, it was all she could do to hold Sonia's hand, and hope that some of her feelings might be understood.

"Thank you, Miss Nevermind." She was thanking her for going along with her request, yes, but for everything else as well - allowing her to be at her side most of all. "I'm sure it isn't easy, but please do lean upon me as you need. I want to support you as best I can." She couldn't force Sonia to rely upon her, of course. That would be up to her, and her ability to accept it. Still, they could make the offer, and try to impress upon her that their affection for her, and their desire to comfort her, or carry what small portion of her burdens they could, was not conditional.

Shinobu was about to say that she thought love was, perhaps, hopefully, still possible for Sonia, though the words never left her lips, turned as the conversation was towards the second kitten. As they leaned to the side to get a better look, a soft expression settled onto Shinobu's face. "How cute," she murmured, even as as the little cat fumbled around. To Shinobu, it looked more like some sort of rodent than a cat, with its slicked fur and closed eyes, claws splayed out on paws a bit too big for its body. Well, that was cute, too.

"You know, that's a Western superstition," Shinobu said, still regarding both Sonia and the cat with a relaxed, faintly warm look upon their face. "In Japan, black cats are quite the opposite - they can be a sign of good luck, or other positive omens." Once she'd finished taking a look, she returned to her chair, to give Sonia and the collected cats whatever space they might prefer. "Have you seen the lucky cat figures in Japan? Often holding an amulet, and with one paw raised up in the air to beckon?"

For how traditional her family was, Shinobu couldn't remember ever seeing one around her house. Perhaps her father found them a bit too gaudy or colorful, or it might have been the case that anything too wrapped up in luck and fortune offended his sensibilities. There was one in the window at Anzu's old Tokyo theater, though, welcoming in guests with a promise of good fortune and a good show, and there had been a few strewn about Miss Uesugi's family estate, all carefully calculated for maximum impact.

"They're all good omens, but they have different meanings, depending on color. The black ones are said to ward off malevolent spirits." Anzu was still lingering at the window, so perhaps that was as much a superstition as the belief that they brought bad luck. "I suppose most things, or perhaps even all things, are rather a matter of perspective." After all, she'd been told to regard Sonia and the rest of the remnants as dangerous murderers fully culpable for all of their crimes, and yet she could see them only as sad, broken individuals who deserved more gentleness than the world, or Future Foundation, was providing them. The remnants killed and were monsters for it, while Shinobu killed and had been hailed as a hero. Differing perspectives, even as they felt the stains of blood on their hands as keenly as any other.

They turned their attention back to the little black cat, the movie, and the conversation of love and marriage, temporarily forgotten. "Still, you seem more like a sign of good fortune than bad, to me." All of the cats, truthfully, if only for allowing her to be here for Sonia when she was needed. "It's quite a bit to live up to, and I'm loathe to put any pressure upon you, but, please do your best." It was more than a little silly to be speaking with a kitten, but perhaps Sonia would appreciate the moment with a bit less focus upon herself. Or, perhaps she would find something of value in Shinobu'd admittedly heavy-handed reasoning.

[sexwithamanda]

Vegan Coffee House.

Episode #6. 

I wasn’t going to stop. I have a specific place I go to, and I drove past this place I am at, but the light switched, I was able to turn around and drive into this quaint little place in this strip mall. I make myself comfortable as if I come here everyday. Not one person says hi to me. Not one person actually acknowledges me and it isn’t in my nature to correct anyone. But if this was the first time I was here then it would be different. But, here I am making a review on a second time I’ve been here. I see people behind the desk, I know the owner is sitting next to me. It’s okay. If I can stay right this second and continue to type away, then obviously my presence of importance. Now, that we get that over with, here I am to talk about exactly how I am feeling. This pit in my stomach for the week to come ahead is insane. I am not prepared but I am prepared, this is insane. I am going to Greece next week. I have never had the pleasure of going to a new country, a place I’ve never been. 

My mind is terrified that I might end up kidnapped but I know that is less likely to happen to me. I mean if that were to happen, wasn’t it meant to? I feel like that nothing that isn’t supposed to happen doesn’t happen. It just does it’s own thing.

I am a firm believer in the universe sending us signs of what we feel, where we are, who we are, are all derived of everything we are, and of all the people we’ve met. I spent some time with my friends yesterday and one of them explained to me of their relationship with the person they were in love with.

They told me that there is a love formula called the “Biorhythm Compatibility,” I tried it, I mean do I believe in it? Do I think about fate? Do I think about soulmates? All I know is that, if a person is your person, it’s because you chose them and they chose you. 

Love is hard to define because it’s not all you need to make a relationship work. In my honest opinion, I don’t think you even need to be compatible with each other fully. I think that if you learn from each other, if you continue to care about what your partner is learning, what their interests are, I feel like you will have a solid foundation of getting on the level that they are on.

My current lover, he is one of a kind to me. I think he’s special. Not the type of special that you think is a lot or too much, but the type of special that makes me laugh till my stomach hurts. Someone who continuously lets me learn from him when i don’t know something. He’s the type to explain it to me kindly and in joke form. 

I asked recently why he always asks me “what’s up.” When I turn to him, and he’s like “I know that you are thinking, but you look like you have something to say, which usually you do.” I mean that is a small detail, but it makes my heart beat a little fast. It makes me smile.

I know that people are quick to think that, “hey that seems normal.” Well here I am to tell you, that I feel valid. My feelings, thoughts, what I think matter to him in a way that makes me smile. I don’t think I’ve had that as much as I do with him. He tells me exactly what he’s doing, he doesn’t have a lock on his phone, as much as I hate to say it, he just allows me to be with him without bother, lets me talk but listens and gets distracted. I love that because he cares about what I’m saying. 

He CARES. 

I want that with every relationship I have but recently. 

I have felt required to act in a way that isn’t fully me. This entire week has had me in a slump. I spent this week by myself mostly. I don’t even want to go out tonight really. I want to lay at home, type my feelings, speak my feelings but also just want to disappear. It is insane to think that we as people are consistently scrolling through our phones mindlessly looking at things that don’t particularly matter but we like them anyway. 

Usually when I know my birthday is coming up, I feel this sense of emptiness. i don’t feel like partying, don’t feel like being surrounded by anyone. I want one person to talk to, but other than that I don’t really have enough energy to put forth into conversations. I need them to talk, I want to know about them, I am exhausted from my own conversations in my brain. I just want everything to be quiet. 

The other day I was at a coffee shop and I kept hearing them clang something, and it bothered my brain so much, I had to leave. I couldn’t handle listening to it. I couldn’t focus on anything. 

All I want to do is be distracted. All I want is to not feel this deep sadness. 

I hope that it goes away soon, and it will after my birthday passes, but because it’s so close, I just want to get it over with. This is a quarter of a life crisis, but my brain seems to think it’s my mid-life. I could die pretty young. 

I hope not.

But anyways.

Mahal Kita

Amanda  <3

[shurisneakers]

Ok good you did go to sleep

i hate this website because im sitting here getting emotional over the thought of banana fritters. like what the fuck