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with-love-from-hell · 3 years ago

Text

Liberation

{ft. Mammon}

Part 1 of the Fortification Series (based on this request)

Trigger Warning: This series contains graphic depictions of various types of abuse, please see specific content warnings for each individual part.

Genre: hurt/comfort, angst, some fluff

Written for a GN!MC, though the partner is written as male.

WC: ~ 3.2k

Cw: Physical abuse, emotional/verbal abuse, financial abuse, negative self-talk and poor self-esteem, gore/blood, depictions of alcohol use, cigarette smoking, threats of murder, infidelity, swearing

Series Masterlist

Note: Though I do have a masters degree in Psychology and clinical training in treating survivors of abuse, I am not your therapist, nor is this fic intended to take the place of professional help. If you are experiencing any type of abuse, please seek support from a professional. Utilize the Victim Connect Resource Center to get connected to the appropriate helpline.

The day had seemed so ordinary- consisting of classes at RAD, eating meals with the brothers, and spending the evening with your boyfriend...up until he began drilling you about your relationships with the brothers- particularly Mammon. His possessiveness often got the better of him, and it was a trait you loathed.

“...And why did you take 20 grimm from the account?” He questions, a furrow was evident on his brow that indicated he was more than pleased with the fact you had taken money without asking.

“Oh...” you reply, feeling nervous about the fact that you were caught so soon withdrawing the funds. You had used it to get dinner with Mammon the other night since the meal prepared by Leviathan was unsafe for humans to eat. He didn't have the money, but insisted you not go out at night alone. “Well, me and Mammon went out becau-”

“Oh, so you spent it on a date, then?” Your boyfriend interrupts your thought hissing through gritted teeth. “What am I to you exactly? Why do you insist on spending more time with other men?”

“N-no, it’s not like that, I swear!” you shake your head, feeling tears already threatening to well behind your eyes, but all of the attempts at convincing just lead him to accuse you of cheating on him, and to hrowing insults of how worthless and undesirable you were...and eventually, a brutal backhand to your face.

From behind your bedroom door, Mammon’s fists clenched so tightly that his knuckles were nearly translucent. You had only met and subsequently made a pact a few months ago, and yet he was already feeling a strong connection toward you. If it was love, he wouldn’t know yet- as he’d never felt this type of way towards another being before in all of his years of being alive. Even as an angel, he cant recall feeling such a pull toward anyone before, with the exception of his siblings...but even that bond didn't feel as strong as it felt with you.

The fact that he was drawn to you was bittersweet. One one hand, he was your dedicated protectorate in Devildom, and he wore that title now as a badge of honor. You knew how to make him laugh, you stood up for him, and you always went out of your way to spend time with him. Not to mention, he found you wildly attractive- both in the sense that he found you physically beautiful, but your personality was also such a thing to behold. But on the other, he had to sit by and watch as the man who had been sent here with you continued his disgusting abuse. It hurt him to watch such a strong person bend to the will of another- especially to one who was unworthy of your wonderful personality. He had heard him call you so many abhorrent names, and he seemed to watch your every move. You never even looked at Mammon when he was around- probably for fear of him doing what he had just now.

Just as he was about to turn the knob to your bedroom door and give the bastard a piece of his mind when a hand came down gently on his shoulder. Mammon sighed. He had no doubt it was Lucifer. He turned to greet the oldest, but was shocked to see the somber expression of Leviathan’s face staring back at him. Levi motioned for him to follow, and Mammon reluctantly obliged, matching Levi’s nervous footfalls as he walked away from your desperate wailing apologies despite every instinct urging him to intervene.

“I...I know what you were thinking.” Levi spoke softly around the corner to your room checking over Mammon’s shoulder to ensure they wouldn’t be overheard.

Mammon scoffed and crossed his arms over his chest. “Ya don’t know shit.”

Levi sighed, mimicking Mammon’s stature. “We can’t just barge into a situation like that and act like its our rightful place- not until Diavolo finishes his investigation like Lucifer said.”

Mammon scowled, the frustration he felt being told to ignore what was happening to you building steadily within him. He knew Lucifer had said that there was an investigation in place to prove that your boyfriend was a danger to you, and was unfit to remain in the exchange program, but Mammon didn’t care. After all, it was an accident that he had been sent down here with you, so he figured the process of removing him should be easy.

And now he had confirmation that he was putting his hands on you...and Levi wanted him to ignore it??

“Investigation?” He scoffed. “Did ya not here what he was doing to ‘em? I think the investigatin’ part is done!”

Levi urged Mammon to lower his volume so they wouldn’t be heard by the man you called a boyfriend. “Mammon, believe me. I would love to tear this guy apart, but we can’t just disobey orders from Diavolo- Lucifer would have our heads if we did that.”

“Maybe if you had a spine...” Mammon muttered angerly under his breath.

“Mammon, please.” Levi pinched the bridge of his nose. “We have to wait just a little longer.”

Mammon was about to retort to his statement when your bedroom door swings open. Both turned to look as your boyfriend stormed down the stairs and out of the house. A tiny amount of blood could be seen dripping from his fists before he disappeared down the stairwell.

Mammon turned to Levi His voice was dripping with contempt and sarcasm. “We’ll just have to wait, huh?”

Leviathan turned away as Mammon made his way down the hall to your room. He got to your door just as you had moved to close it, nearly running into you as you tried to quietly shut yourself off from the rest of the house.

“M-Mammon!” You exclaimed, moving to hide the left half of your face behind the door.

“Hey...” Mammon flushed, losing all confidence he once had in his argument with Leviathan. “Can I- uh...Can I come in?”

He saw the color drain from your face, and noticed the small droplets of blood on the floor of your room. Your eyes shimmered in the light; glossy as if you had just been crying. You hesitated a moment, trying to peer over his shoulder while still hiding your face behind the door. Finally, you stand back and allow him to enter.

Mammon rubbed the back of his neck, refusing to make eye contact with you. Somehow, you both knew that he had overheard the abuse happening from behind closed doors...but neither of you knew how to talk about it.

You were afraid- afraid of the consequences of asking for help from the abuse of the man you once called the love of your life. You were afraid he would follow through on his threats to kill you in cold blood- or well...not by his hand. After all, you were much less deserving of his time and attention, so he would get one of the lower demons he pacted with to do it.

Mammon felt guilt fester in his chest as he finally caught a glimpse of your face. His breath caught in his throat as his eyes trailed the blood smeared across your face from your now split lip, and the dark brownish-purple bruise that was forming over it. A bright red mark in the shape of a hand burned on your cheek, small traces of bruises around the finger marks already evident as well. Mammon had seen the faint bruises on your wrists and upper arms before, but he’d never seen anything like this.

He sighed, turning his gaze away as sadness filled his heart. “If I ask ya how ya got hurt, are you gonna tell me the truth, or will ya just say you tripped...like last time?”

You swallowed hard, feeling tears well behind your eyes. Mammon looked up at you once more and felt regret for how bluntly he asked you that question. To his surprise, you ran at his chest, burying your head in his pectorals as you sobbed relentlessly.

After collecting his bearings, Mammon placed his arms around you snuggly, squeezing you into him. He felt tears prick his own eyes as you let out the woe you had been holding in for so long. He rested his chin on your head, just listening to the pain you had been holding onto.

After a long moment of silence, he finally spoke. His voice was barely above a whisper. “Mc- why do ya let him treat ya like that?”

You hiccup, not able to find the words to explain how this whole mess started. Instead, you just shrug.

Mammon sighs, pushing you away from him and resting his hands on your shoulders. He bends down to look into your eyes, his voice gentle, but firm. “Listen up, human. You...you should be treated better than that, and ya certainly don’t deserve to get smacked around!”

You turned your gaze downcast, refusing to meet his stare. An ache festered in his heart as you cried. Did...did you actually feel like you deserved this?!

He rubbed your shoulders gently, getting you to look him in the eyes. “I swear to ya, that rat bastard wont get his filthy hands on ya ever again- not if the Great Mammon has anything to say about it!”

You gave a weak smile. You had been wanting to leave him for so long, and then you got teleported here- trapped with him. Having someone on your side to help you- to protect you- gave you some peace of mind. Mammon instructed you to go take a relaxing bath, while he figured out the logistics of keeping your now ex-boyfriend away from you.

Mammon pulled out his DDD, sending a text to Lucifer.

Mammon: Oi, Lucifer. Mc’s shit-for-brains boyfriend decided to put his ugly hands on them today.

Lucifer: He what??

Mammon: Can’t ya read? He hit them!

Lucifer: Gather a report from them and text it to me immediately. I will ensure it lands on Diavolo’s desk before the end of the night. Pictures will be helpful too.

Lucifer: And Mammon...

Mammon: ...?

Lucifer: Please...Don’t take matters into your own hands.

Mammon: Whatever ya say, big brother.

Mammon exited the message, beginning to type of the events of what happened from his perspective in the notes app of his phone. Just as he finished typing, you appeared in the doorway dressed in your sleep shirt and a pair of sweat pants. Mammon explained the purpose of getting details for the report, and held your hand as you described what happened, opting to record you rather than text it out. He sent the audio files to Lucifer before throwing his phone down and turning his attention to comforting you.

He let you snuggle into his chest, some more tears being shed before you unwillingly fell unconscious. He sifted his fingers through your hair as you rested, plotting the revenge he would deal on the scum that dared lay a finger on his precious human.

----------------------

Mammon sat at the crowded bar with his cheek in his hand, occasionally looking around to scan the crowd at The Fall. Asmodeus was on the dance floor, surrounded by succubi. He had tried to get him to join them- After all, Mammon did say he wanted to come with to clear his head, even if it was just a front. Asmo finally left him alone when he said he just wanted to hang out at the bar for awhile, noting he was waiting on someone. Little did Asmo know, the person he was waiting for was your boyfriend.

As if the shit-head could read his thoughts, Your boyfriend walked out of one of the private rooms. Mammon had seen him enter the room when they first got there, but couldn’t see who he entered with. It had been nearly an hour, and he could only imagine what he was doing in the back room of a club notorious for prostitution.

He came out stumbling drunk, latching on to the hips the barely clothed demon at his side. Bright red lipstick covered his neck and the bits of his chest that were exposed to air, and he blew a kiss to the demon before they walked away from him into the crowd. The man grinned from ear to ear, and a shiny new pact mark could be seen on the back of his right hand. He stretched, winking at a few demons who danced nearby. He then pulled out his phone, sending a few texts before lighting a cigarette between his lips.

Mammon felt your phone vibrate in his pocket, and he retrieved it to check the messages. He had asked to borrow your phone before he went out- claiming his was broken- but what you didn’t know wouldn’t hurt you. He observed the revolting text messages on the screen, his nose twitching in rage.

(name): Hey babe. I hope you’re not still mad at me about yesterday...

(name): I haven’t heard from you all day. I told you it was an accident.

(Name): you know how I get when you hang out with those stupid brothers.

(name): I promise I’ll never hurt you again.

“Tch.” Mammon scoffed and put the phone in his pocket, turning his attention back toward your boyfriend, who was now moving his way toward the back door. Mammon downed the remainder of his drink and hopped off the bar, snaking his way through the crowd to follow him. He swiftly pulled his hood up on the black sweater he was wearing, hiding his face from the crowd as he exited the club out the back door.

By the time he made it out, your boyfriend was just making his way down the street. Mammon smirked, following 6 yards behind him as he made his way back to purgatory hall. Once the dormitory was in sight, Mammon ducked into a nearby alleyway, pulling out your phone to text him.

Mc: Hey babe

Mammon felt disgust even seeing your name next to a reference to him in the cutesy pet name.

Mc: I wanted to come see you, but I got lost. Can you come get me?

Mammon waited for a moment, but soon enough a text from the man came in.

(name): You really can’t survive for even one day without me can you?

(name): Be there soon.

Mammon smirked, setting the phone down on the pavement in the center of the alley before ducking out and leaning against the adjacent storefront. He had used the fact that your boyfriend tracked your location to his advantage, luring him to a spot where no one would bother to interrupt his plan.

He watched out of the corner of his eye as your boyfriend appeared down the sidewalk. The smirk grew into a toothy grin as he turned into the alley. In a flash, Mammon was behind him. He watched as he crouched down, picking up the phone and looking around the alley curiously.

“Mc? Where the hell are you?” He called, annoyance evident in his tone.

“They ain’t here, bud.”

He whipped around to face Mammon, his breathing uneven and a glare present on his face. “What the hell are you doing here? Where’s Mc?”

Mammon let out a dark chuckle, shaking his head. “They’re restin’ up at home after what ya did to 'em. It’s just you n’ me now."

The man narrowed his eyes, confusion evident on his face. "Is that supposed to be a threat?"

“Tch. You really are stupid, ain’tcha?” Mammon gave him a dark smile, bearing his sharp fangs.

The man's eyes grew wide and he tried to rush past him. Mammon easily gripped him by the arm and threw him backwards onto the ground. His head slammed on the concrete, producing a groan from the man as his vision grew spotty.

“You ain’t goin’ nowhere, asshole.” Mammon snarled, approaching the disoriented human. He shed the sweater and brought out his demon form with ease, ready to inflict the beating of a life time. “We got some business, you n' me.”

Mammon gripped the man by collar of his shirt and brought his face up to meet his own. “You got some nerve- hurtin' someone as wonderful as Mc. Does it make ya feel good- Beatin' down a helpless person who can't fight back?"

Mammon slammed him into the wall of the closest building, causing another groan to spill from the man’s vocal cords. “Seems like you need a good old-fashioned taste of your own medicine to me.”

Mammon extended his claws and reeled his hand back, striking the man across the face. Deep gashes formed instantly on his cheeks, accompanied by a yelp in pain as the wounds bled profusely.

“How does it feel, huh?” He snickered, relishing in the vengeance he was serving.

The man scowled at him, before spitting directly onto his cheek. Mammon grimaced, wiping the phlegm away with one of his claws. The audacity this man had in thinking he can disrespect the demon who held his fragile little life in his hands. Mammon tutted, shaking his head.

“Bad decision.” Mammon snarled, throwing the man to the floor. He straddled him, landing blow after blow to the side of his face. By the end of his beating, the man was barely conscious. His eyes were swollen and blood vessels leaked into his sclera, causing the whites to turn a bright ruby. As he got up, shaking the blood from his hands and dusting off his pants, he stared down at the bloody mess of a man.

“They deserve so much better than you.” Mammon reflected on how wonderful your energy always was, and how this mother fucker stole so much light from your demeanor.

The man groaned, again gaining Mammon's attention. Mammon tilted his head, deciding now was the best time to finish this. He squatted near his face, amusement present in the teasing way spoke. “Any last words, dickhead?”

The man gurgled on the blood seeping from his mouth as he tried to speak. Mammon shook his head and laughed, returning to a standing position. “I guess not.”

He raised his hand in the air and snapped his fingers. Before turning to leave the alley, he offered his final words to the bastard who had caused you so much pain.

“If there’s even a speck of a chance ya live, I’m gonna only say this once." His tone turned deadly serious, losing the joyous undertones that had developed from dealing out his just deserts. "Stay. Away. from Mc.”

Mammon snapped his fingers again and exited the alley, whistling a tune as he walked. the man groaned, turning over and attempting to raise himself from the ground. As he did, a small crow landed on the ground a few feet away from his fac.. He cocked his head at the bird, who returned the motion before letting out a loud “caw.”

At the other crows call, a swarm of hundreds of crows surrounded the man, inching forward despite his shouts and flails to try to get them to leave. In a second, they lunged at him, picking at his skin and digging their beaks into his flesh. His eyes were the first piece of his body to be consumed, followed shortly by his fingers and ears. Piece by piece, the crows consumed him, following the simple directions of their master who always ensured to give them a much deserved feast when they've been well behaved.

The screams of terror and brutalizing pain could be heard for miles away. All Mammon could do was smile as he thought about the relief you would feel without that shit-head in the world anymore.

------------------------------------------------

“Mc?” Mammon knocks on the door to his room before creaking it open. You were as he left you, cuddled up in a bundle of blankets on his bed, some soft indie music playing through the speakers as you slept. His feet pattered across the hard floor as he made his way to the bed, sitting beside you and jostling you gently awake.

“Mmmm?” You groaned, eyes remaining closed while you acknowledged his presence.

He chuckled, clearly the nightmare preventing tea he had made you before he left was doing wonders. You seemed to not want to wake up- unlike last night, where you were plagued with horrible dreams and were terrified to even shut your eyes for a moment. He brushed your hair from your face, earning a content sigh as you lean into the movement.

“Everythin’s gonna be alright now, don’tcha worry. The Great Mammon took care of everything.” A devious smirk played on his lips as he mused.

You peaked one eye open slightly to look at him, murmuring in response to his statement. “huh?”

He smiled, stroking your cheek with his hand. “Ain’t nobody gonna fuck with my human. Never again.”

Your eyelids felt heavy as you drifted back to sleep, figuring you could question him on his words tomorrow. He snuggled up in the bed next to you, nuzzling his face into your neck as you slept.

A text from Lucifer on his DDD rang out across the room. He opened the messages to see the confirmation that your boyfriend (or well...now former boyfriend- if he even deserved that title at all) was confirmed to be a threat to other exchange-student’s safety by the investigation, and would be given 24 hours to willingly surrender to Diavolo to be transported home. Mammon scoffed at the text. The fact that the bureaucracy that was so intimately upheld by the royals would have surely put you in more danger pissed him off. For a moment, he questioned whether or not killing the man was the right thing to do...

No...his way was best. He eliminated the threat instnatly, and now you were safe with him, sleeping peacefully in his arms. Screw the law, your safety mattered more to him than some petty lecture by Lucifer. Mammon made a mental promise to himself that if anyone who would dare try to hurt you again, they would face the avatar of greed... and the end they met wouldn’t be pretty.

Was this love he was feeling? Before he wasn’t so sure. But now, he knew he was all yours, and he would do anything to protect you. He was deep in the emotion- feeling grateful that he was your first man. He would hold that title with the highest regard he could, and he would prove to you that he could be better suited as a mate.

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royallyprincesslilly · 4 years ago

Text

Title: Crown For Two {4}

Henry Cavill AU x OFC Xari Thornton AU

Warning: Plot, Mild Cursing, Cheesy Christmas Themes, Slow Burn, Dialogue Heavy, PLENTY OF WORDS

Words: 6.6k

Summary: Xari Thornton is a travel photographer with a blog and social media that garners some heavy-duty traffic. People tune in to see where she is and what she’s doing there, all in hopes of either living vicariously through her or to plan their next vacation.

Her slogan; “Traveling the path to the most off-beaten places, so you don’t have to.”

Her next stop on her four destination travel itinerary of “Places You May Never Have Heard Of” is Sandvell, a small European country. When her plane makes an impromptu stop due to bad weather, she has no idea where she is. It feels like she’s stepped inside of a snow globe and back in time in a modern way. It leaves her fascinated.

This bad weather forces her to stay at an Inn, The Beaux, for the night. Rather than letting the hours tick by in her room, she explores and meets the friendly locals. While taking photographs, one local in particular captures her lens with eyes as blue as the ocean and a jaw that was chiseled from stone. They strike up conversation during their time drinking at one of the local bars, Ickles. Once they separate, she gets herself into a harrowing situation.

As soon as she awakens, she realizes she’s not in some fever dream, but a palace and the owner of the palace is none other than the local she met before with the piercing blue eyes, His Royal Highness Henry Wellington Leopold Danglishton, First of his name, Crown Prince of Brexendor.

Note: All right, all right people, the ride continues. I really, really hope you enjoy this. As a reminder, it’s going to be fast-paced a bit, and I am gonna overload you with pictures because why the hell not, it’s a Christmas Fic. 😁 Feel free to come by and tell me what you guys think.

As always, thank you all for reading, I appreciate each and every one of you.

If you enjoyed this, please, LIKE, COMMENT, REBLOG!!! ❤️❤️

***Loosely Edited/Proofread***

***Interactive***

***Picture Heavy***

Previous Chapters: {1} | {2} | {3} |

-Five Days Later-

-Henry-

“Before we get to cut this ribbon, I want to say something. My father—your king.”

He paused, swallowed, and bowed his head slightly, trying to gather his thoughts and reign in his emotions. This was one of the first times he’d spoken about his father since his death, especially in front of the entire country. This unveiling was televised all around Brexendor and probably in neighboring sister countries, which meant he was probably speaking in front of over four million people. Clearing his throat, he tried to continue.

“Eh-em, my father, and your king loved this project. He spent so many nights coming through every detail of it. He particularly wanted to be hands-on with this because he felt this endeavor would bring many people together.”

He looked from face to face in the crowd, making eye contact and giving reassuring smiles—a tactic he’d learned long ago that made speeches more effective.

“He believed though we are individual countries filled with many different races, ethnicities, beliefs, and cultures, he believed we are all one people. He believed that one of the most universal things was connection.”

The crowd murmured their agreement as several heads nodded. He felt the hand of his mother on his shoulder, gently reassuring him and giving him some of her strength.

“As humans, we all crave connection. We all want to make connections in our lives that are worthwhile. That is what this endeavor is, a bridge for our connection across the world beginning with our finances, and he would be so incredibly proud to see it today.”

The crowd before him erupted with applause, giving him a reprieve to bring himself back to his stoic image. He waited for them to quiet down before he continued.

“Without further ado.”

He walked over to the shimmering blue ribbon that was aesthetically tied in front of the bank's doors. Once before them, one of the men handed him giant scissors, and he got into place. The crowd counted down from three. Each second that passed, he could sense the excitement increasing. Once “one” was yelled, he cut the ribbon signaling the crowd to explode with applause and cheers. The camera snapped pictures of him from every angle as he shook hands, waved, and posed with everyone on the bank’s council and the finance commission’s office.

The next hour was spent walking through the location, explaining all the details that his father had put so much time, thought, and energy into. As he pointed things out, he remembered the various conversations they had together about the items and specifications. This was a project just as close to his heart as it was to his father’s. from the corner of his eye, he saw his mother standing in front of the giant grandfather style clock that his father had chosen special. He loved clocks and had collected quite a few in his years. She placed her hand on it, then dipped her head down. He knew her pain.

The following few hours passed with him answering questions and doing his duties as head of the country, never breaking away from the status quo. He could do this in his sleep. That was how well trained he was for this. In a matter of weeks, his duties would be tripled or even quadrupled when he went through his coronation. At that time, he’d really put all that grooming to use. It was an event he’d imagined differently his whole life. For one, he’d always expected to look out to his mother and father’s faces as they’d passed the duties on to him. This future was one he was not prepared for.

“Mother.”

She hummed and spun her head to him with a solemn smile on her lips.

“Are you well?”

She smiled brightly, and any evidence of her previous sadness was only visible in her pale blue eyes, but just a smidge.

“Of course, I am. What about you, my darling boy?”

He smiled. She’d been calling him that since he was, in fact, just a boy.

“Glad to have gotten through that.”

His mother nodded before she looped her arm through his.

“You did beautifully. Your father would be incredibly proud of you, Henry, so incredibly proud.”

The tears welled in her eyes before she kissed his cheekbone.

“I have only ever wanted to make him proud,” he admitted.

“He has been proud of you every single day since you were born. Every day.”

She turned her face away, and he knew it was to hide the tears that had rolled down her cheek. He pulled out his handkerchief and handed it to her, allowing her to dab at her eyes. Several moments passed in silence as he looked out the window at the passing snow-covered hills. After a minute or two, his mother cleared her throat.

“So, what is this I hear of a house guest?”

He smiled to himself, thinking of you, your smile, your tenaciousness, and stubbornness. Since his mother had been away in Sandvell on Queen duties, she’d been absent for the excitement from the last near two weeks. He explained it to her in the vaguest of terms and finished stating you would be remaining at the palace most likely for the duration of the month. He spoke it so flippantly that he hoped it sounded to her ears that it was not a big deal.

“Mm-hm. Well, I am pleased you are showing your charming side rather than your scrooge one.”

He gasped, then snapped his head to her to see her amused eyes dancing with laughter.

“I do not think it is right for a mother to call her son a scrooge.”

She did not look as if she regretted it at all. “It is right for a mother to let her son know how he is perceived or has been for the last seven months.”

“Mother, I do not mean to—I have tried--,” he sighed. “It has only been seven months since--.”

“I know darling, believe me, I know. One of the tragedies of our roles, we are expected to carry on as if we are not human. We are seen as figurines, and we must ever be pristine. The human emotion of grief cannot hold us bad. Oh, how I wish it were different.”

They sat quietly again for a few turns on the drive back to the palace.

“I assume you have taken the necessary precautions with our house guest?”

“Yes.”

“Have you spoken to her?”

“I have.”

“Was it my son the scrooge or my charming son who did the talking?”

He scoffed, then shook his head. “I am always charming.”

His mother giggled before she rested her head on his shoulder.

Once they reached the palace and walked inside, the staff swarmed his mother, giving her details for the preparations for the opening ball that was taking place within the coming days for the beginning of the festive month. It was the tradition for a ball to be thrown the first weekend of the month to usher in the month-long festivities. That also meant that many would come to the palace to stay and join in on the jam-packed month of celebration.

“Yes, Carolina, I know we have much to plan in a short amount of time.”

Carolina, his mother’s personal royal assistant, nodded her strawberry blonde head as she gripped the stack of papers and folders in her arms tighter.

“Welcome home, your majesty,” she began. “Shall we begin right away?”

His mother, now free of her coat and outside garments, shook her head. “No. Prepare the necessary details, and we will meet in the pink tea room in thirty minutes.”

“As you wish, your majesty,” Carolina replied with a head bow and curtsy.

“Oh, Carolina, for tonight’s supper, please tell the kitchen I am feeling quite festive and maybe a roast. I hear we have a house guest, and I would like to welcome her properly.”

“Mother, do you really think that I have been anything but absolutely hospitable?”

She smiled and looped her arm through his again as they began ascending the stairs.

“Of course, I am sure you instructed the staff to be hospitable and tend to her needs,” she clarified.

She knew him too well. If only she knew that he himself had been the most hospitable of all, he thought to himself. He reminisced on the last few days. He hadn’t been able to have dinner with you for the last five days because the closer the event got, the more work he had to do. You’d exchanged emails about his speech with you leaving notes on what he’d prepared or even giving him suggestions on where to carry other thoughts he’d begun. He liked all your additions and suggestions. It was your suggestion to bring up something personal about his father, especially since it was his passion project. He’d had every intention to disregard it, but in the end, he’d listened to you, and he still hadn’t regretted it.

Though you were maybe a six-minute distance from his own bedroom and under the same roof, he hadn’t physically seen you in those five days. He did get information from Dr. Alphonsi and even details from McArthur about how you looked, who had been to see you to extend his apologies for getting you into this predicament. McArthur was now your greatest fan. You hadn’t chastised him or belittled him for hitting you with the car. You said it wasn’t his fault, accepted his apology, and even thanked him because you would have probably had a health crisis sooner rather than later with your other ailments.

Everyone in the palace seemed to have grown to like you. When he saw Jemma, his sister, she often sang your praises and chattered on about something you or your sister had told her. It was easy to see that even she’d been captivated by you, just as he had.

“Were you listening to me?”

Shaking his head, he glanced at his mother with a raised brow. “I am sorry, mother. What were you saying?”

“What has got your head so far away? work?”

He sighed, shrugged, and looked forward, realizing they were in the hall leading to your bedroom.

“Where are you leading me, mother?”

“It is you who is leading me, son.”

He scoffed. Even his feet seemed to want to go to you. he made a swift left turn away from your hall.

“Mother, I have some work to attend to before supper tonight.”

“All right, do not work too hard. Supper is at seven…promptly, Henry.”

He smiled and kissed her cheek. “Promptly,” he repeated before continuing on his way.

~~~~~~~~~~

-Y/N-

“I am quite happy with your improvement, Xari.”

You smiled.

“I do feel a lot better today than I have in weeks.”

Dr. Alphonsi smiled and began closing his doctor bag.

“That is wonderful news. The direct infusion through IV usually does work better than capsules or any other treatments. You have been a sample patient. If only my other patients would give me this little trouble.”

You snorted, then shrugged. “What can I say? I’ve always been a teacher’s pet.”

Dr. Alphonsi smiled again before he walked around to the IV rod to disconnect you. You watched as he slowly removed the needle from your forearm, only flinching slightly. He pressed down on the puncture hole for a few moments then plastered a band-aid across your arm.

“There. So as our plan goes. A week IV, a week injections, then repeat,” Dr. Alphonsi reiterated.

“Sounds good.”

Dr. Alphonsi walked over to the stainless steel trey resting on the side table and placed the needle on it, then began taking the emptied IV bag off the pole. Once the items were arranged on the trey, he walked back over to his doctor’s bag.

“Any questions for me?”

You thought for a moment, then began. “Not really since I already know you’re going to say no traveling.”

“You are not a prisoner here, Xari. If you are feeling strong enough, you can go anywhere you choose. The palace has plenty of rooms that would interest you. When it comes to venturing outdoors, I would say be careful, pace yourself, and do not overexert. There have been many who thought they could walk a block only to find they could not make it more than fifteen meters.”

You nodded again.

“Would you like me to speak to the prince about assigning you a lady’s maid?”

“Oh my goodness, no. that is not at all necessary.”

“All right. Well, you have my telephone number if you need me, as does the staff. I have instructed someone to inform you every time you are to take an injection. I have a trained professional here at the palace who can administer it if you are not confident enough to do it yourself. If you feel confident, remember every six hours one vial. I’ve combined them to decrease the number of needle pricks.”

“Thank you very much, Dr. Alphonsi.”

He nodded, then prepared himself to leave. As he walked to the door, it opened, and in came Anika.

“Does she have a clean bill of health?”

“Cleaner, but we still have quite a way to go. Slow and steady, says the tortoise to the hare,” Dr. Alphonsi said before walking out of your room.

“Oooh, look who doesn’t have a pole attached to them anymore. How do you feel?”

You took a deep breath and thought about it for a moment, then smiled. “A lot better than a did.”

Anika smiled with you, then dropped on the bed beside you. “Does that mean you can finally leave this room and go exploring with me?”

“Nika.”

“Don’t Nika mean, you know you’re curious and want to look behind every door of this place.”

She had a point. You were curious. You’d been in a few palaces from around the world before, but you’d never been in a palace as a guest. At the thought of “guest,” you began to wonder if that was what you were. Patient yes, unexpected and unwanted temporary responsibility, maybe. The look Anika was giving you said she was impatiently waiting for a response.

“Ugggh, fine. Yes, let’s get our Dora on,” you said, slowly getting out of the bed.

A shower took you longer than usual, mostly in part because you couldn't help but marvel at your surroundings. There was marble and porcelain everywhere. The amount of luxury that surrounded you made your jaw dropped. You sampled everything, beginning with the twelve jets in the shower to the heated bidet. The shower even had a switch that you could change the water from fresh to sea saltwater. That part tripped you up because you didn’t know why anyone would want that. Even the sink had buttons you could use to change the water pressure.

By the time you’d showered and changed, an hour had passed.

“What’d you think of the sea salt option in the shower?”

You snorted, then busted out laughing. “Oh my god, I almost lost my shit. Did you try it?”

“You know I did. Then I immediately regretted it when I forgot and began really getting into crevices to wash and rinse. Ouch.”

That only made you laugh harder. The whole time Anika protested and pouted. When you stepped out of the room into the adjoining one, you felt like you saw it in a new light. The first or even second time you’d been in it, nothing registered. Now, you could appreciate the art on the wall, the décor, and color choices. It screamed elegance but also comfort.

“I asked around, and this particular room is called a sitting room. All of the bedrooms have one,” Anika informed.

“Yeah. When I went and toured Versailles, the sitting room was where visitors were entertained. Marie Antoinette loved to also have tea and cake there before turning in for bed,” you added as you walked around, touching different materials and snapping pictures from a few different angles. It was all super high class. You didn’t expect anything less.

You and Anika stepped into the hall, and your jaw dropped.

“Holy Shit!”

The people in the hall stopped what they were doing and looked back at you while Anika tried to stifle her laugh.

“Sorry, sorry. Please carry on.”

They slowly continued what they were doing while you and Anika made your getaway. The halls were gorgeous. The white and gold complemented each other so well you just knew that this was just the beginning. Then when you looked up to the ceiling at the Sistine Chapel worthy mural, you could hear a heavenly hymn in your ears.

“The Sistine Chapel could never,” you muttered while walking and snapping pictures.

It was so beautiful you almost didn’t want to move. Anika’s arm looped through yours was the directing force. She pulled you down the stairs that were on the same level of grandeur as the Russian opera house’s. The carpet that lined them was blue instead of the red that bathed other royal abodes. It even looked like it was silk. When the two of you finally descended the stairs to the main floor, you went down one of the halls on the right.

The first door you both walked into, Anika whistled loudly. “Well, fuck!”

It was the largest dining room you’d been inside in a long while. The table looked like it could seat at least seventy. As you walked around the room, you took pictures from different angles until you got to the window, then you gaped at what you saw.

“Wow.”

“Like a winter wonderland, right.”

“Have you gone out?”

“Heck no. You know me and winter don’t agree. There is a reason I live in Georgia.”

You shook your head and snapped two pictures before you walked off in search of more. Once you and Anika finished looking around the dining room, you walked into a large parlor with several places to sit. You wondered what the room was used for. Your imagination said it could have been where smoking parties happened, or maybe a lounge area before dinners. It honestly could be used to anything.

A library followed that you knew you could get lost in for days and days and lost you got. You touched titles you were familiar with and others you’d never heard of before, making a mental note to come back and have a closer look. The ones you couldn’t pass up, you took from the shelves and took with you. You didn’t know how long you spent in the library. It was hard to tell because you hadn't looked through the whole thing even with all the time you spent there.

Somehow, you found yourself pushing open intricate golden doors and walking into an ornate room filled with gold, marble, and that same blue carpet lining. From the ceilings hung low hanging crystal chandeliers and an even more awe-inspiring mural. At the end of the carpet, you saw a pair of thrones. Immediately you knew you’d happened upon the throne room. You walked the length of it, taking a picture every few steps. When you reached them, you stopped in front and stared.

You could imagine him sitting in the one on the right. You imagined him with perfect posture, a stern face, and tightly clenched jaws with the most regal of crowns. You wondered if this monarchy was as ostentatious as others. Maybe he usually held a scepter and golden orb while being draped with royal furs. At that thought, you imagined him sitting on that throne completely naked with nothing but the royal furs draped over his shoulders. It was a damn inviting vision, one you wouldn’t mind seeing.

A loud sound behind you made you spin around to find a cleaning crew. Quickly you walked back down the carpet and out the room apologizing for intruding. Once back in the hall, you spun around, unsure when you’d lost Anika. You called her name a few times, but there was no answer. It was then you regretted not bringing your cellphone. You walked a little further down the hall then made a left as the scent of flowers captured your attention.

When you stepped through glass French doors, you felt as if you’d walked into some country garden. The room was bathed in soft amber and purples, no doubt from the sunset. Thanks to the glass room, you were able to see peeks of its glory through the fluffy looking white snow resting on it. The more you walked around, the more the exterior contradicted the interior. You knew it being the dead of winter made it impossible for the sight before you. There were flowers of all different kinds. It was a sea of blues, reds, yellows, pinks, and even purples.

“Holy Shit!”

“I will take that as a compliment.”

You spun around, looking for the owner of the voice, but there was no one there.

“Uh--.”

You walked around cautiously.

“A few more steps.”

After three steps, you found a woman sitting at a table decked out with every piece of a tea set you could imagine, along with a few pastries.

“Found me.”

She looked up at you, then looked back down to your feet until she met your eyes again.

“Uh—hi,” said.

“Hello.”

The smile on her face was pleasant, and it matched the kindness in her blue eyes. They were eyes you felt like you’d seen before, only on someone else. Slowly it hit you who she could be.

“Oh my god, your majesty.”

You dropped down to your best curtesy, hoping it would distract her from your potty mouth. She softly chuckled.

“You are quite all right, dear. Stand up, please.”

You stood and tried not to give away that you were slightly unnerved.

“I’m sorry about the cursing. It’s a horrible habit and probably not—dignified,” you expressed.

She laughed again, then took a sip from her golden rose printed porcelain cup. It looked fancy and antique. “No need to apologize. Believe me; cursing is not the worst thing in the world. I have said quite a few in my day.”

You smiled, even though you found it hard to believe, especially with how prime and proper she looked sitting there.

“I have to know, though. How did you know who I was?”

“Um—your eyes.”

She looked even more curious. “My eyes?”

You swallowed and avoided her gaze. “They’re—they’re the same as Henry’s—eh-em, I mean his highness.”

The way she looked at you made you slightly uncomfortable. She looked like she was assessing you. Before she could speak, another woman walked into the room, one with strawberry blonde hair.

“Your majesty,” she began stopping instantly when she saw you.

You cleared your throat and turned to walk away. “I’m sorry to intrude.”

“No intrusion. Carolina, I think that will be all for today. I would like to finish my tea and possibly get to know our new houseguest.”

“As you wish, your majesty.” She curtsied then walked back out of the room, leaving you alone once again.

“Please, have a seat,” the queen said.

Before you sat, you actually thought to dart out of the room but quickly changed your mind. When you sat down across from her, you took note of the open binders and folders sprawled out on the table. Out of nowhere, someone walked into the solarium, took up the matching teapot, and poured it into a new teacup to your right.

“Will there be anything else, your majesty?”

“Thank you, Edie.”

The woman walked back out of the room, and it got silent for a few moments.

“Please, have some. It is a Darjeeling blend that is grown right here in Brexendor. I drink at least a cup a day. I promise you it is delicious.”

She took another sip, but she didn’t look at all worried that you wouldn’t sample it. You placed the books on top of the table and took up the teacup instead, and sipped. Lavender, mint, honey, and rose filled your mouth. A moan escaped you.

“Good, right.”

Nodding, you took another mouthful.

“How are you?”

After swallowing, you placed the cup down. “I am feeling a lot better, your majesty.”

“Please, every time I am called that, it makes it impossible to forget. Call me, Cecelia, please.”

You didn’t know what to say to that, and it must have shown because she smiled then giggled.

“O—kay.”

“I promise. I am not trying to trick you in any way. I just want you to be comfortable. I can imagine what it feels like to come here and be surrounded by all of this. It is—overwhelming…intimidating even. I just want to make your time here peaceful and enjoyable.”

She didn’t look like she was lying or trying to cover something. She came off as genuinely kind, like she truly meant what she said.

“Thank you, your—Ce—Ms. Cecelia.”

She smiled, then nodded. “Alright. I understand.”

“I’m Xari.”

“A beautiful name. It is wonderful to meet you, dear. I do hope your stay has been a good one so far.”

“Yes, yes, everyone has been nothing but kind and hospitable. I appreciate your kindness,” you expressed.

Cecelia nodded and took another sip from her cup. Her eyes landed on something on the table.

“Of Vice and Virtue and Clandestine. Two wonderful selections.”

“I hope it’s alright. I took them. I promise I will put them back,” you began.

Cecelia reached her hand out and placed it on top of yours. “Xari, I could not care less if you kept them. You are free to anything in the palace.”

You slowly nodded and took another sip of tea. As you did, the photos on the table caught your eye. They were of a decorated room. It looked like a mock-up of a ballroom of some sort. The colors of the flowers were orange, and they didn’t look like they belonged with the pastel green that surrounded them.

“This color scheme is all wrong. You shouldn’t pair orange and green. You have to pick one or the other. I’d recommend the green; it’s very pretty.”

She looked curious, most likely wondering who the hell you were to say half of what you did.

“Are you a decorator?”

“Not officially. I took some classes, got some certificates in event planning and interior design,” you admitted.

“Oh, so you design for a living.”

“No, no. It—I am a travel photographer and blogger. It’s not what I planned, but I fell into it. Event planning and design are more of hobbies.”

“Well, this might just be serendipitous. I am in the middle of planning the ball for the opening of the festivities,” Cecelia began adjusting herself in her seat. “I just got back in Brexendor, and the trip was longer than I anticipated. That means I have two days to put together our annual ball that is supposed to open Brexenavid. That is our month-long celebration of what every Brexdorian prides themselves on—our holiday time.”

“What exactly is Brexenavid?”

“It is our month-long holiday celebration that we go all out for. There are tens of events, sometimes games, balls, dinners, and dignitaries within Brexendor and our neighboring countries who will begin arriving to stay with us here,” Cecelia explained.

You were impressed. It all sounded like a lot of work.

“And you’re the one to plan all of it?”

“Yes. That is my role as the matriarchal head of the royal family. It is one of my many roles.”

You released a breath, then finished your cup of tea. Before you spoke, you poured another.

“So tell me, if you were planning this, how would it look?”

You took a few moments to sip your tea and think about how you would do it. Closing your eyes, you tried to visualize the space, but you’d seen so many spaces that you couldn’t really picture it.

“Where will it be? What room? Can you describe it to me?”

Cecelia smiled, then stood. “I can do better. Let me show you.”

Cecelia walked out of the room, leaving you to hurry behind her. she led you through the hall you’d just walked down until you went down another hall you hadn’t before. About a minute later, you followed her into a large ballroom that looked like it belonged in Versailles. The walls dripped gold, and the ceiling housed so many chandeliers you didn’t bother to count past five.

“Wow. What a room.”

“One of my favorites. It is the usual one I use. What do you think?”

“Nice room. I would say with the amount of light that comes in and the views; I’d play that up. since it is December and I’ve seen several of your streets, Christmas is huge here.”

“If you only knew,” Cecelia confirmed.

“Then play it up. Christmas trees, poinsettias, tree lights, tinsel, everything that everyone loves about Christmas. Give your guests what they really love about this country, the beauty, the splendor,” you suggested.

She looked around the room as if she were trying to picture it. “I like it.”

Her smile was bright. “I more than like it. I love it. Carolina thought floral.”

“Floral isn’t a bad idea. You can add some in. Roses are subtle, lilies, even Dahlias, and Tulips.”

Cecelia approached you and took your hand. “I love your ideas, Xari. I have one of my own. How would you feel about taking point on this? I know you are still recovering, but you would have every staff member at your disposal. You would not be doing too much. You give the design orders, and everyone else will execute it.”

You were speechless and couldn’t believe the queen had just asked you to deck out her palace for a ball. “Obviously, you do not have to if you do not want to.”

“Do what?”

Henry’s voice brought your attention to him. he wore a simple white button-down shirt and grey dress pants. While it wasn’t as formal, he still looked put together.

“I have just asked Xari if she would put together the ball.”

“Mother. She is supposed to be resting and recuperating. Dr. Alphonsi has left very strict orders, and work was on the list of prohibited actions.”

His mother looped her arm with his with a smile. “Oh, darling, I am not talking about manual labor. She has quite an eye for design and event planning. I thought it would be fun.”

“Mother--,” Henry began again.

“Plus, what are you doing here?”

“You said supper was promptly at seven.”

“Heavens, is it seven already? All right, Xari, you do not have to answer right away. You can take the night to think about it. we should all go to supper.”

“Uh—I’ll go back to my room,” you began.

“Nonsense, looking at you, you are well enough to dine with the rest of us. Come,” Cecelia pressed as she released Henry to loop her other arm with yours and led you closer to her son.

Henry smirked, and when he realized he was in the middle, he softly scoffed and held out his arm for you. Your eyes locked for a few seconds, and you picked up a hint of amusement behind his blue orbs. You slowly looped your arm through his, allowing him to led the two of you out of the ballroom and down the long hall.

As you walked, his mother chattered on about something that you paid no mind to. All you could focus on was the smell of Henry’s cologne and his towering presence beside you. Your hand rested on his forearm, and the heat radiating off of him tempted you to flex your fingers against him. The minute your fingers moved, you felt his bicep tense. It was an action that brought your eyes to him. You lost your breath when you found his were already on you. Goodness, you thought to yourself, slowly trailing your eyes over the details of his face until they landed on his lips.

“Eh-em.”

Snapping your head forward, you saw that you’d arrived in the dining room. You pulled your arm free and walked away from Henry flashing them out, trying to cool them from his heat and gain some control over your wayward thoughts. This dining room was a different one from before. It looked more intimate.

“This is the dining room we prefer to eat in as a family,” Cecelia explained the closer you got to the table.

Taking your place beside Anika, Henry took his at the head of the table while his mother across from you beside a beaming Jemma. Once everyone was seated, the staff walked in carrying trays of food toward you. Once yours was put down, the silver cover was taken off to reveal a pot roast of some kind.

“I hope you are not a vegetarian,” Cecelia began.

“Oh no, my sister and I love all kinds of meat, Anika blurted out, making you give her a harsh eye.

“Wonderful. Please, dig in.”

Dinner went on uneventfully. Jemma talked about her plans to include a local orphanage in the planned festivities for the month. Everyone seemed to think it was an excellent idea. Then the conversation turned to Anika as the Queen tried to get to know her better. The only ones who remained relatively quiet were you and Henry. Every so often, your eyes met and lingered. He looked like he wanted to say something, but the words never manifested. That was when your eyes drifted to some part of him, either it was his lips, or his hands, or even those sprigs of black hair that teased the bounty that laid under his shirt just waiting to be played with.

By the time dinner was finished, and after dinner, coffee and tea were served, things had moved to one of the sitting rooms you’d walked through earlier in the day. After your first cup of chamomile and lavender tea, the queen said her goodnights and left you, Anika, and Jemma to your own devices. It allowed you to crack open one of the books you’d picked earlier. By the time you finished your second cup of tea, exhaustion had caught up with you. When you looked up, it was just you and Henry sitting there. Once again, Anika had disappeared, this time taking Jemma with her.

His nose was buried in a book. Before you could admire the view of him sitting there with one leg crossed over the other, his eyes drifted to you; then he lowered his book to reveal a soft smile. Neither of you spoke. It was a comfortable silence that didn’t need to be filled with words. A yawn sprang from you, making him snort.

“This can’t be regular chamomile or lavender.”

“You are probably right. I do know it is farmed straight from the field and brought here,” he answered.

“Wow, so literally from the earth to your stomach.”

Henry smiled again.

“I um—I think I should probably turn in,” you said.

Henry placed his book aside, then stood. “Allow me to walk you back to your room.”

“Thank you, your highness.”

He smiled, came closer, and held his arm out to you.

“Are you always such a gentleman?”

“I try to be. It is what I was raised to be,” he replied.

“So—always. There isn’t a time of day where you say fuck it and let it all fall away?”

He smiled and stepped a little closer. It was as close as he was the first night in the bar before you parted ways. His eyes bore into you from his towering height, and you decided you wanted to see what he would do.

“There is about an hour in the morning when I first wake. No one has come in to give me news or updates. It is quiet, and my mind is clear. Then there are those few minutes at night before I fall asleep where I can let everything fall off me. In those two moments—I—I feel like myself.”

There was a pained look in his eyes that you wanted to know more about.

“And what does it feel like to be yourself?”

Henry gave you a melancholy smile. “Lonely.”

A full minute passed then Henry held out his arm again. “Shall we?”

You looped your arm and let him lead the way out of the sitting room, down the long corridor, and up the grand steps. The walk was quiet, but you didn’t feel weird being close to him like this. It felt normal. Halfway to your room, Henry spoke.

“My father told me before he died, the more people that want a piece of you, the less you have for yourself and the lonelier it is at the top.”

“Sounds like the words of a wise man.”

“He was very wise.”

Silence. You’d heard the sadness in his voice the first time he mentioned his father.

“Do you miss him?”

“Every single second of every single day,” Henry answered.

As you turned down the hall that would lead to your room, the silence returned.

“Your speech was amazing.”

“You’re saying that because you helped write it.”

You couldn’t help but laugh. “It doesn’t matter who helped write it. Words are nothing without the conviction to back them up. You made the speech.”

You could feel his eyes on you, so you met them right before you stopped in front of your door.

“Thank you,” he whispered. He then took a step to you, closing the wide gap between you.

“Do you usually have to approve the plans for big events?”

His crinkled brow said he was confused. “I guess it depends. Why?”

“Well, since you are so busy being his highness and all, the only way we’d ever see each other the next few days would be for me to accept your mother’s offer and plan this ball seeing how his highness would get the final say-so on all plans. Right?”

Henry slowly began smiling then he licked his lips. “That sounds about right, but that would mean one thing and one thing only.”

You leaned against your door and smiled innocently. “And what’s that?”

“That you want to see me almost as much as I want to see you.”

Your heart pounded faster and faster. “Almost as much?”

Henry rested his arm on the door jamb, sort of boxing you in. “You have to know, Xari.”

“Know what, your highness?”

“Henry,” he whispered quite breathlessly as he stared into your eyes.

The tension between you was palpable. It felt like any second one or both of you were going to do something that neither of you could take back. The loud crack of thunder boomed outside, bringing you both to realize your surroundings. Henry cleared his throat and took two steps back.

“Good night, Xari. I look forward to seeing those plans at every decision,” he said with a stern face and plenty of humor in his eyes.

“Your highness.”

He sighed, then walked back down the hall, leaving you to admire the sway of his hips and the plump but firm state of his ass. God help you, you thought to yourself before you stepped back into your room. You’d never been good at fighting off temptation. You liked to put up a fight but eventually, you always gave in.

You knew that it was only a matter of time before you did just that.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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andhumanslovedstories · 5 years ago

Text

Recent country songs that have made me literally gay gasp as a gay woman, in order of how much they make me want to write an essay on gender and queerness

HONORARY MENTION BUT JUST BECAUSE I THINK THIS IS TECHNICALLY AMERICANA NOT COUNTRY (but genre is fake) AND THIS SONG ISN’T RECENT (2014 and I’ve been listening to it faithfully since then) BUT I ONLY RECENTLY LEARNED IT’S A COVER AND THAT’S MADE ME RECONTEXTUALIZE IT: “Murder in the City” by Brandi Carlile, a cover of The Avett Brothers where she changed the words “make sure my sister knows I loved her/make sure my mother knows the same” to “make sure my wife knows that I love her/make sure my daughter knows the same” which fucking. fucking gets me. Especially since the first time that I heard this song, I assumed it was from a man’s point of view because of that line, and then I learned that Brandi Carlile is a lesbian and I was caught up in my foolish heteronormitivity, and then I learned it was a cover and thought oh okay I guess the song is originally from a man’s pov and it’s cool she covered, and then I learned she changed those lines to make a song that already feels deeply personal to her to explicitly include her love for a woman and the family they’ve made together. And that’s just. It’s all just a lot.

3) “Fooled Around and Fell in Love” by Miranda Lambert featuring Maren Morris, Elle King, Ashley McBryde, Tenille Townes and Caylee Hammack, because the first time it came up on my spotify, I saw the title and was like “hey dope I like this song” and then I heard the first line was still “I must have been through about a million girls” and I realized none of the words or pronouns were getting changed and I was getting the song I’ve always wanted and deserved: a high production value, high energy, big girl group tribute to being a lesbian fuckboy who Fooled Around And, oops can you believe it, Fell in Love.

2) “If She Ever Leaves Me” by The Highwomen, sung by Brandi Carlile who is, as mentioned, lesbian, but since I’m apparently still chugging my comp het juice, I was still trying to figure out if this song--a classic “hey buddy keep walking, she’s my girl and she’s not interested” song with an interesting element of the singer being aware the relationship might not last anyway--was gonna be explicitly queer. And then there’s the line, “That's too much cologne, she likes perfume,” and I was like OH HOHOHOHOHOHOHO!!!

This is immediately followed by the lines “I’ve loved her in secret/I’ve loved her out loud” which is also deliciously queer in this context, with this singer and that juxtaposition, but the line that really fucking got me is my favorite of the song: “If she ever leaves, it's gonna be for a woman with more time.” This is two women in a complicated relationship. This isn’t just a “keep walking, cowboy” song, it’s a song that uses that framework to suggest a whole ass “Finishing the Hat”** relationship, and that’s so interesting to me. Like a song that isn’t just explicitly about two women in love but one that conveys very quickly a rich history between the two of them. And in a genre where the line “Kiss lots of boys, kiss lots of girls if that’s something you’re into” was revolutionary representation.

(Fun fact, “Follow Your Arrow” was partially written by Brandy Clarke, another country lesbian! Another fun fact, so is basically every other good country song. Brandy Clark, please write a big lesbian country anthem, I know it will immediately kill me on impact.)

To quote one youtube comment, “”lesbians how we feeling??” and to answer by quoting some others, “As a closeted baby gay in the 90s, who was into country, this song would have changed my life”, “I just teared up. So many happy tears, as a gay woman raised on country music, this is something that's definitely been needed. Thank you Brandi. Thank you highwomen”, “This song means more than I can say in a youtube comment”, and “Lesbians needed this song :)”

It’s me. I’m lesbians.

**ANOTHER HONORARY MENTION EXCEPT IT ISN’T RECENT AND IT ISN’T COUNTRY SO I GUESS THIS IS JUST A MENTION, BUT I AM INTERESTED IN THIS SONG--“Finishing the Hat” by Kelli O’Hara. A very good Sondheim joint, that’s about making art, the costs of its obsessive and exclusive nature and the incomparable pleasure of putting something into the world that wasn’t there before. It’s such a traditionally male narrative that I’m thrilled to find a wonderful female cover of it. I’m not even fussed about her changing the gender from the lover who won’t wait for the artist (except that the shift from “woman” to “one man” sounds so clunky) because there’s value turning this song into a lament of the men who won’t love artistic women. But I do also wish she’d also recorded a version that kept the original gender so it would be gay. OKAY BROADWAY TANGENT OVER, BACK TO COUNTRY.

1) “Highwomen” by The Highwomen, ft. Yola and Sheryl Crow. I can’t even express the full body chills the first time I heard this. Like repeated, multiple chills renewed at every verse of the song. This really closely parallels my experience with “Fooled Around and Fell in Love” up there, because when I started it I was like “oh dope I know what this cover will be” and then the lyrics started and I was like “OH MY GOD I DIDN’T.” In the case of “Fooled Around” it’s because I was amazed that they kept the original words. In the case of “Highwomen” I fucking transcended because they changed them.

So I grew up on Johnny Cash, obsessed with a couple of his albums but largely with a CD I had of his greatest hits. (Ask me how many times I listened to the shoeshine boy song. Hundreds. Johnny Cash told me to get rhythm and I got it.) And my FAVORITE was “Highwayman” from the country supergroup he was in, The Highwaymen. The concept of the song is that each of the four men sing a verse about a man from the past and how he died. It’s very good. The line “They buried me in that grey tomb that knows no sound” used to scare the shit out of me. I didn’t expect to have a song that targets so specifically my fear of being buried alive in wet concrete.

(If you haven’t heard the song, by the way, listen to this version to properly appreciate it as a piece of music. If you have, watch the fucking music video holy shit this is a work of art oh my GOD.)

So I was predisposed to love this cover before I even heard it. But then I heard it. And they rewrote the song to be about historical women. And it’s like. There’s layers here okay.

Neither the Highwaymen nor the Highwomen are signing about famous people. This isn’t a Great Man tour of history, it’s about dam builders and sailors and preachers and mothers and Freedom Riders and also Johnny Cash who flies a starship across the universe, as you do.

In the 1986 version, it’s a song about the continuity of life--the repeated idea is “I am still alive, I’m still here, I come back again and again in different forms.” The highwayman is all the men in the song. He reincarnates. The song is past, present, future. The title is singular, masculine. The same soul, expressed through multiple voices, multiple lives.

In the 2019 version, the title is plural, feminine. Highwomen. This song is about women. Each verse asserts the same motif as the 1986 version--“I may not have survived but I am still alive”--but there is no implication of reincarnation. Each woman is her own woman. This version has a final verse that the previous versions lacks. The singers harmonize. It’s not a song where one voice replaces another, the story of this One Man progressing through time. It ends in a chorus of women saying “We are still alive.”

We are The Highwomen Singing stories still untold We carry the sons you can only hold We are the daughters of the silent generations You sent our hearts to die alone in foreign nations They may return to us as tiny drops of rain But we will still remain

And we'll come back again and again and again And again and again We'll come back again and again and again And again and again

Another fun fact! The first time I heard them sing “We are the daughters of the silent generations” I died! But luckily I came back again and again and again.

This is a song about the continuity of history. It asserts that women’s historical lives matter and that they continue to matter, long after they died. This is a song about legacy as well, the legacy of nameless women who worked to protect the ones they loved and make the world better. They don’t die by chance. They are all hunted down by political violence, by racism, by misogyny, for stepping outside their prescribed roles. But, as Yola (who btw fucking CRUSHES THE VOCALS ARE YOU KIDDING ME?????? HOLY SHIT MA’AM) sings as a murdered Freedom Rider, she’d take that ride again. And at the end of the song, she joins the chorus but does not disappear into it. Her voice rises up out of crowd. And the crowd calls itself “we”. These women are united but not subsumed into being One Woman. This is about Women.

And then, outside the song itself, there’s the history of this song about history. It’s originally by Jimmy Webb and was covered by Glenn Campbell. This cover inspired the name of the supergroup that covered it, the group with Willie Nelson, Kris Kristofferson, Waylon Jennings, and my man Johnny Cash. And it’s like holy shit! What an amazing group to collaborate! Hot damn!

Then, it’s 2019 and here’s The Highwomen with Brandi Carlile, Natalie Hemby, Maren Morris, and Amanda Shires. The name is obviously riffing on The Highwaymen. Shires set out to form the group in direct response to the lack of female country artists on the radio and at festivals. And they name themselves after a country supergroup, and they put out this song, a song connected to massive names in country music, and they center all of this on women and womanhood and the right of women to be counted in history and to make history and to talk about the ways we have mistreated and marginalized women, in a group that started because one woman was like hey! we’re mistreating and marginalizing women!

I just think this is neat! I think there’s a lot here we could unpack! But this post is 100 times longer than I was planning and work starts in a bit so uh I’m gonna go get dressed and listen to The Highwomen on repeat for the next hour, “Heaven is a Honky Tonk” is another fucking bop that improves on the original, it would be dope if they’d collab with Rhiannon Giddens, okay byyyyyyyye

#don't even know what to tag this bc for one there's way too many links for this to show up in any tags!!#country music #long post #surprisingly long post!#feel free always to rec female country/americana/folk/bluegrass to me esp if it's gay

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bi-bard · 4 years ago

Text

Long Forgotten Past- Arthur Pendragon Imagine (Merlin)

Title: Long Forgotten Past

Pairing: Arthur Pendragon X Reader (I tried to make this gender neutral but if I slipped up, I’m sorry)

Requested: Nope...

Warning(s): Mentions of past abandonment and memory loss

Summary: Someone made a decision that changed (Y/n)’s life forever. Now things are changing and the truth will be revealed. A visitor coming to Camelot makes sure that the truth comes out and (Y/n) learns more in a day than they had in forever.

Author’s Note: I have had this sitting in my drafts for so long! This was originally a musical prompt but I drifted very far from that original idea... whoops!

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“Merlin, let go of my wrist,” I hissed as he dragged me through the halls of the castle.

“No, this is important,” he replied, continuing to drag me along.

“Merlin,” we heard someone shout behind us. Merlin stopped with an angry sigh, tuning around to face Arthur. “Hello, (Y/n).”

“Hello, Arthur,” I smiled.

“Merlin,” Arthur turned his attention to the boy that was still grabbing onto my wrist. “What on Earth are you doing?”

“I need to speak to Gaius and it’s important that (Y/n) is there,” Merlin explained. “You can make me do any chores you want afterwards.”

“(Y/n), are you alright,” Arthur touched my arm gently.

“I’m fine,” I said with- what probably looked like- a dumb smile. He nodded before waving us off. “Bye.”

“Bye,” he replied.

“God, you two are pathetic,” Merlin muttered once Arthur was out of earshot and you had continued following him to see Gaius. “He is absolutely in love with you.”

“No, no he is not,” I insisted. We had this discussion all too often. Merlin had this idea that Arthur loved me... which wasn’t true. It couldn’t be true.

“Gaius,” Merlin shouted as opened the door of their room. “I’ve discovered something.”

“What is it,” Gaius asked, stepping away from whatever potion he was making.

“There’s a king missing his child,” Merlin explained. “His wife died when the kingdom was attacked and the child disappeared.”

“Merlin, where is this going,” Gaius asked. I furrowed my eyebrows and crossed my arms.

“(Y/n) is that child,” Merlin exclaimed.

“What,” Gaius and I shouted at the same time.

“Is it impossible,” Merlin asked.

“Yes,” I replied.

“You have no memories from before... about eight years old,” Merlin added. “You know that your parents didn’t give birth to you. Why can’t you even think that this is a possibility?”

“Gaius,” I turned to look at the old man. “Please tell him that he has lost it.”

“Well...,” Gaius started.

“Gaius,” I shouted.

“We need to tell Uther that there’s a chance,” he continued. “The only one who could confirm this is the man who is potentially your father.”

“You’re kidding,” I shook my head and looked down.

“Come with me, we’ll speak with him before his meeting with the knights,” Gaius said, motioning for Merlin and me to follow him.

“We’re doing this right now,” I asked. I was scared. I shouldn’t have been scared. None of this was possible. They both nodded. “Okay.”

“Sire,” Gaius said as we all walked into the throne room. “I have an important issue to discuss with you.”

“Make it quick, Gauis, I have a meeting soon,” Uther replied.

“You may have heard about King Rowan,” Gaius explained. “He lost his wife when their kingdom was attacked and his child seemed to disappear at random. Merlin and I have reason to believe that we’ve found his child.”

“Really,” Uther looked stunned. “His child has been missing for almost fifteen years. Who do you believe it is?”

“(Y/n),” I straightened my spine when Uther looked at me when Gaius said my name. “The only person who can confirm that is King Rowan.”

“I’ll have someone go and deliver a message to him,” Uther promised, walking over to us. He placed a hand on my shoulder. “It should only take a few days for him to arrive. We’ll find out the truth.”

“Thank you, Sire,” I said, nodding before going to leave. I still had work to get done... even if my thoughts were in a mess now.

**A Few Days Later**

I ran through the hallways once Gwen and Morgana finally let me go. They had insisted on making sure I looked my best when my potential father showed up. I understood why but it made me even more nervous.

I only stopped when I was right outside the doors to the throne room. The guards at the doors gave me nods that I think were supposed to comfort me. I nodded back and they opened the large doors for me.

“This is (Y/n),” Uther said as I walked in. Another man was standing there. That must have been King Rowan.

The room was completely silent. I stood in the middle of the room, scared out of my mind. King Rowan walked over slowly. My heart felt like it was going to burst out of my chest.

“Your necklace,” Rowan said. I touched in out of instinct. It wasn’t much. A single charm on some string. But I had always had it. “It belonged to my wife. She told me to give it to my child. It was her last wish on her deathbed.”

“That... That means...”

“(Y/n),” King Rowan pulled me into a tight hug. I felt him shaking. I let tears fall from my eyes. “My child.”

“Father,” I mumbled. I stepped away after a minute, trying to wipe my eyes so I could look presentable. “Why can’t I remember that time? I would’ve been old enough to have memories.”

“That was my doing,” he looked down. “I had a warlock wipe the first ten years from your mind. I didn’t want you to hold onto that pain. Now that you’re here, we can find a way to restore them.”

“Gaius,” Uther said. “He would be able to fix this, yes?”

“I could certainly try, Sire,” Gaius nodded. I turned around and hugged him.

“Thank you,” I mumbled.

“You’re welcome,” he replied before stepping back to look at everyone. “(Y/n) will need to stay in my chambers and I will need to be able to work with her in private.”

“Of course,” Rowan nodded. He gave me one last hug before following Uther, who was offering him a tour of the castle. “I’ll see you soon.”

“Of course,” I nodded. Everyone had left the room except for Gaius, Merlin, and Arthur.

“I told you so,” Merlin said. I rolled my eyes at him.

“Merlin,” Arthur warned. “One more word, you’ll be sleeping in the stables.”

“Sorry,” Merlin held his hands up. He moved over to hug me. “Congratulations.”

“Thank you,” I mumbled.

“Gaius and I will go off to prepare for... whatever is going to happen,” Merlin said before following Gaius out of the throne room.

“So, you’re royalty,” Arthur said after the door shut behind them.

“Apparently,” I looked down. I was caught off guard when he hugged me and twirled me around. “What is it?”

“This is the best news,” he replied. “This is perfect.”

“Why is it so perfect?”

“We’ll talk about that later,” he shrugged with a smirk before kissing my forehead. “Good luck.”

“Thank you,” I gave him a nervous smile before heading off to see Gaius and Merlin.

I walked through the door, fiddling with my hands. My stomach was full of butterflies and I was scared that I would actually throw up. Merlin gave me a comforting smile once he saw me shifting from one foot to another.

“Come lay down,” Gaius said. I nodded and sat on the cot that Gaius had.

“How is this going to work,” I asked.

“Well, I’m going to give you this potion,” Gaius held up a bottle. “It should start bringing your memory back but it will cause you to fall asleep because the process of regaining memories can be...”

“Overwhelming,” I completed his thought. He nodded. “Have you done this before?”

“Never had to,” Gaius replied, kind of shrugging at me. I let out a heavy sigh. “It’ll be okay.”

“Okay,” I shook my hands out before holding one out to take the bottle from him.

I shifted so I was laying down, then took a huge gulp of the potion. I winced at the flavor as Gaius took it from me. My wincing stopped as I started feeling drowsy, my eyelids struggling to stay open. After what could’ve been seconds, I was falling asleep.

**Time Skip**

I slowly blinked as my brain became less and less cloudy. I rolled my neck before moving to sit up on the cot. I jumped a little when I saw how many people were there... just looking at me.

“Hello,” my father said softly, sitting next to me. I smiled at him. “I know this is going to sound a little silly but... can you tell me the name of your mother?”

“My mother’s name was Aleida,” I replied, my eyes filling with tears. “She was killed by a neighboring kingdom when I was eight. And I just forgot her.”

“No, no, no,” my father hugged me, rubbing my back. “You did nothing wrong. I am so sorry. I am so sorry for everything.”

“May I have a few minutes,” I asked. “I just want to collect my thoughts.”

“Of course,” my father nodded, moving to stand and guide everyone out.

Once the door closed, I felt all of my emotions truly come out. I was scared and I was confused. I placed a hand over my mouth as I cried. Almost eight years of lost memories came crashing back in less than a minute. I couldn’t sort through all of my thoughts.

Whether or not I understood what was going on, my tears eventually stopped. I finally stood from the cot and walked towards the door. Everyone was waiting just outside.

“Sorry,” I mumbled. “I just needed to pull myself together.”

“You’re alright,” Arthur stepped forward and touched my shoulder. I smiled at him.

“Merlin, I believe you and I have some work to finish up, don’t we,” Gaius asked. Merlin nodded, a very smug smile on his face as they walked back into Gaius’ chambers.

“Rowan, I believe we have a deal to discuss,” Uther announced. “Would you like to go discuss the matter?”

“Of course,” my father replied, walking towards the throne room.

“So,” Arthur said slowly. “It’s true.”

“It’s true,” I chuckled. “So, you can tell me why this was such great news.”

“Well,” he looked down for a moment. “I just want you to know that I love you.”

“Oh,” I froze up for a moment. “As in you’re in love with me?”

“Yes,” he confirmed with a small smile. “I didn’t want to say anything because of the stupid rule about royals not being with people that aren’t also royals... but this was the best stroke of luck because now no one can do anything to you if I was to say anything... which I did.”

“I am very happy that I do know,” I replied. I glanced around the nearby hallway before leaning up and kissing his cheek. “Let’s go see what our dads are so adamantly discussing.”

“Alright,” he nodded, holding his arm out so I could wrap mine around. I leaned on his shoulder while we walked down the hallway. It was nice. This was a definitely a nice moment.

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#merlin imagine #merlin fanfiction #arthur pendragon imagine #arthur pendragon fanfiction #imagine #fanfiction #character imagine #character fanfiction

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yehet-me-up · 4 years ago

Note

*busts through the door like I'm the Kool-Aid man* BONJOUR FUCKERS I'M BACK!!! It is I, the Theatrical Gay Anon™! I hope you're ready to endure my endless babbling for a bit cuz I've got lots to say holy shit. Consider this part 1 of like, 1000 cuz I think Tumblr got rid of the submissions feature. I apologize in advance for the spam hehe.

Okay, with that out of the way. Ms. Yehet-Me-Up, may I call you Sarah? Sarah, what the fuck!? I can't even rn. I I give you a simple suggestion, no expectations behind it. I say "Hey, don't you think it'd be cool if Zitao was in the Exodus Mall universe?" to which you said "Yeah, that'd be neat, I might do that. Perhaps make him work at an Irish pub or something" and then I flip out with gratitude and excitement thinking you're gonna do like, a DRABBLE. 500 words at MOST -Theatrical Gay Anon

Imagine my SHOCK, my STUPEFACTION, upon realizing that you wrote OVER TEN THOUSAND WORDS about Huang Zitao aka the wind beneath my wings, the rain to my drought, the corny joke to my Junmyeon. And not only that! But you did this A MONTH AGO. I could've been reading this for so long and I had no idea! How foolish am I? I can't believe you wrote all of this based off of a silly little suggestion I made. I feel like bowing over how not worthy I am Wayne's World style -Theatrical Gay Anon

NOW IN REGARDS TO THE CONTENT OF THIS MASTERPIECE OH MY GOD WHERE DO I EVEN BEGIN!? I am floored by your preeminence. First things first, the title? Perfect. Full disclosure, I suck at titles. I've been writing for over a decade now and I'm still shit with titles. It's so hard to come up with just a few words to encapsulate everything you wrote but you do it SO WELL. The moodboard? Amazing. I've always loved that picture of Zitao and it fits so well with the pub setting -Theatrical Gay Anon

I'm afraid you've written "Fractions of Tomorrow" so well that I don't see there being a need for anyone to write anything else...ever. Stories? CANCELED. Poetry? CANCELED. Biographies? CANCELED. It's all over folks. Sarah has written The Best Thing Ever. We've peaked as a society. After I finish writing these asks I'm gonna become a hermit in the woods and make friends with all of the woodland creatures that inhabit it. -Theatrical Gay Anon

But seriously though, I love absolutely everything about this story. As a Zitao fan, I'm used to getting breadcrumbs. Not a lot of ppl write fics about him. I can count on one hand how many long fics of his you can find on Tumblr. But THIS?? This was no breadcrumb, this was a whole fucking bakery. And it all appeals to me so much oh my god? The sappiness of it all, the flowery prose, the rebellious rejection of cynicism, it's all so beautiful I want to marry it. -Theatrical Gay Anon

If I discussed all of the sentences in this fic that made me giggle with joy and kick my feet around I'd be here all day so keep in mind this is just a FRACTION of the ones I loved but I couldn't go without mentioning at least some of them so here we go. "It’s not his first time here, but it’s his first time paying attention" SHUT UP this line is go good it's so simple yet so nuanced I adore it. Seriously, why hasn't anyone hired you to write a screenplay? -Theatrical Gay Anon

"He wonders if you ironed the collar of your shirt to be that precise or if you simply move through the world without acquiring any wrinkles" God, this line is so CUTE it's DISGUSTING he's fond of the reader's un-wrinkled clothes that's such a specific thing to like and is totally the type of thing I've done with the ppl I've crushed on throughout my life. -Theatrical Gay Anon

"‘Zitao,’ he says finally. ‘Cute.’ You say" this is such a little thing but I love that you included his full name in this. I love his full name so much it sounds really pretty. Whenever I hear him refer to himself as "Huang Zitao" in interviews my heart soars. Hearing him speak Mandarin in general is a delight as well. It's an audibly gorgeous language and any racist who says otherwise can EAT MY ENTIRE ASS -Theatrical Gay Anon

"For someone who’s been in love for as long as you can remember she fights awfully hard against Baekhyun’s romantic nature" DEAR GOD I LOVE THESE TWO! I love these movie loving lovesick fools. I love that everyone in the world knows they love each other except them. I love seeing bits and pieces of their story throughout this written universe. I can't wait to see it all come together in Baekhyun's Exodus Mall fic. It's gonna be GLORIOUS -Theatrical Gay Anon

Also! I know you enjoyed my song recs that I thought fit perfectly with All Our Broken Places so here are some for when the Baek x Hitchcock fic drops. I know it's not done yet but I just *know* what it's gonna be like I can feel it in my bones. "Sidekick" by Walk the Moon and "Tongue Tied" by Grouplove. As for Fractions of Tomorrow I knew right away what songs I'd pick. "Dreams" by The Cranberries, "Jumpstarted" by Jukebox the Ghost and "Don't Stop Believing" by Journey -Theatrical Gay Anon

Gosh, this fic filled me with so much energy and joy I feel like a toddler on caffeine. But I really should sleep now though. It's gotten so late that I can see the sunrise peaking up sdksdksl. I'll see ya soon! I will be spamming you with more compliments about this fic once I wake up though! - Theatrical Gay Anon

Hi! I'm back. Okay, now where was I? Oh yeah, I was talking about some of my favorite lines from the story. "‘Hey man, how’s it going?’ Baekhyun reaches out and does a complex handshake with the man before you. ‘Oh, you know. Just working at the salt mines,’ Tao says with a laugh." I LOVE that you made Baek the one Zitao was close with. I miss the beef brothers so much. I'll never forgive SM for what they did to OT12. They were all such good friends 😔 -Theatrical Gay Anon

"‘I’m not sure.’ For a flash Tao’s eyes linger on you once more. ‘I think it would depend on the person.’ And then the bastard goes and winks at you." GOD, HE WOULD DO SOMETHING LIKE THIS! HE'S SUCH A SHAMELESS FLIRT I HATE HIM *narrator voice* This was of course a huge a lie, he in fact loved Zitao immensely -Theatrical Gay Anon

"‘Sweetheart, I’m everyone’s type.’" You've captured Zitao's unlimited confidence so well and that makes me really happy. It's one of my favorite things about him. The man truly loves himself and I think that's awesome -Theatrical Gay Anon

"Tao looks at you through his lashes, bending close enough that you can feel his breath on your lips when he speaks. ‘Words are just the appetizer, darling. I prefer to have an entire feast.’ 'Any other questions or can I grab your orders?’" ASDKDSDSL SO YOU'RE JUST GONNA SAY THAT PANTY DROPPER LINE AND GO BACK TO BUSINESS AS USUAL ZITAO???? HUH??? IS THAT WHAT WE'RE GONNA DO??? -Theatrical Gay Anon

"‘Oh, nothing.’ He looks like the cat that caught the canary. ‘I just love being right.’" Something I love about EXO fic writers (myself included lol) is that despite all of the different ways they'll write the other members, there is one member who is always written the same and that's Baekhyun. He will always be written as a cheeky little shit cuz he *is* a cheeky little shit. That's just who he is. Messing with ppl is a favorite past time of his. -Theatrical Gay Anon

"'So, love, huh? There’s not some girlfriend or boyfriend of yours waiting for you at home?’" Thank you for not being heteronormative with the "are you dating someone?" convo. I know it might not seem like much but I really appreciate it. -Theatrical Gay Anon

"The beginning of love is always a lightning bolt. If that’s all it ever is you never have to deal with being knocked on your ass by the resulting thunderstorm" OOF, this one got me. So very true. The beginning of love is so scary! -Theatrical Gay Anon

"I could argue that anarchy still is love. Love of your beliefs and love of a person or a place or a thing so much that you’re willing to fight for it" OKAY BUT PASSIONATE LEATHER JACKET WEARING ANARCHIST ZITAO IN A ROCK BAND IS SUCH AN ATTRACTIVE CONCEPT!!! There's nothing sexier than a bad boi that will hate capitalism with you! He'd probably be the one to give ppl rides to protests and stuff I LOVE IT -Theatrical Gay Anon

"If we say love is a feeling, who’s to say that we aren’t in love? If we decide it’s an action then which one is it? A kiss or a commitment or - maybe it’s nothing more complicated than putting words to the way I feel when you look at me?" Listen I don't mean to be dramatic or anything (wait, who am I kidding? I'm literally the Theatrical Gay Anon being dramatic is like my Thing) but if a guy ever said that to me my trans boi pussy would be open for business IMMEDIATELY

Alright, so, uh Final Thoughts. This may be my new favorite work of yours, and no it's not just cuz it's got my ultimate bias in it lmao. This year has been so shitty and it's made my depression + anxiety reach the highest possible levels but reading this, this love story filled with hope and certainty despite not knowing what the future will hold for them, made this year seem easier to cope with. Thank you so much for making this, it means the world to me. -Theatrical Gay Anon

ALRIGHT, LAST ASK AND THEN I'LL SHUT UP I PROMISE but I personally headcanon that Double Shot + Zitao stayed together till the very end. They didn't get married cuz they hate formalities but they got matching tattoos and even when they're old and grey you can still them clear as day on their wrists. When they're asked how they met no one believes their answer lol. And when Double Shot died of old age before Zitao he would sing her favorite song by her grave every Saturday -Theatrical Gay Anon

OKAY SO I know I said I was done and I know I've already sent in like, 30 bajillion asks but I'm curious does Yifan or Luhan also work at the Irish pub?? Or do they work somewhere else in the mall? Inquiring minds want to know -Theatrical Gay Anon

When I tell you this made my entire month (when you sent it weeks ago, I’ve been hanging onto these because they seriously bring me SO much joy holy crap) I am not remotely kidding j;oaisjdflkasdjfa

I am absolutely going to put on these song recs while I work on the next chapter!

a;osdfjlaksdfjasl the fact that you stayed up late to read this warms my heart so much. It reminds me of all the times I stayed up til the ass crack of dawn reading fanfics because I simply could NOT stop reading, so the fact that you enjoyed this like that makes me helllllaaaa emo 🥰

I just??? 2020 was indeed such a long year and affected my energy and creativity and honestly don’t really remember writing this hahaha. I kind of go into a fugue state with these longer fics and they just EMERGE. So to see you reflecting back some of what I wrote allows me to enjoy the process so much more. Makes writing and tumblr fun and I seriously wish everyone writing and creating could have someone as passionate and thoughtful and hilarious as you hyping them up 🌟 it honestly feels like a GIFT and I will absolutely keep writing this series and hoping to be worthy of it 😘

We will definitely get to see more of these two in the finale fic! I got into EXO after Tao, Yifan, and Luhan left so I’m not quite as familar with their personalities, but I could definitely see Yifan working at the US Bank haha. Business suit by day and partying/flirting by night. As for Luhan I feel like he’d work somewhere like the bookstore or the music store?? somewhere quieter and more contemplative.

Thank you again for sending this and for being you <3 I hope 2021 is a wonderful year for you and that you know how AMAZING you are 💖💖💖💖💖

#asks #theatrical gay anon

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capmerthur · 6 years ago

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THE ONCE AND FUTURE FIC

Yet another resurrection fic (sorry?). ARTHUR RETURNS IN CHAPTER 2. Lots of feeeeels, and overdue conversations (at last!) between our precious King and Warlock. Title might change as this goes along, but this has always been the work title in my head since I started thinking about writing it, so… Starts right when 5.13 ends. WARNING FOR SUICIDAL THOUGHTS IN CHAPTER ONE.

Excerpt PART V:

"Because you were 'born to serve me'?", Arthur can't help but spit out, knowing now how literally Merlin had meant those words. It is not enough. It could never be enough. "Get up Merlin; this is ridic-"

"Because I wouldn't change a thing, Arthur", Merlin exclames, cutting him mid-sentence. "You are not my King because of a prophecy. You are my King *in spite* of it. I grew up wondering why I was born with the abilities I had. But when I was told... Believe me, I really didn't want it to be true; at least, you bet I didn't want it to be *about you*. But then... I got to see what you were truly made of; who you really were. And everything I've ever done since then has always been for and because of you, Arthur. Not because I was supposed to; but because I wanted to. Because I believed in you. And if my destiny is to be of any use to you then I am proud of it indeed - because I am proud of you."

(PREVIOUS CHAPTERS UNDER CHAPTER IV)

V. (ARTHUR POV)

Merlin hasn't said the word; but Arthur heard it anyway.

Dead.

He'd been dead.

And for such a long, long time, Merlin had said; even though it feels merely minutes since he closed his eyes?

It makes no sense; it feels unreal - impossible. Merlin hasn't aged a day...

And yet... The grief in Merlin's eyes tells him it's true. Everyone he knows, except Merlin, is gone. Arthur doesn't know what feels worse. To know that he will never see any of them again; or to know that he has failed them all... He feels unfulfilled, hollowed out; utterly lost, even though knowing exactly where he is...

He feels furious, too. What is the point of coming back to life, if it's coming back *too late*?

But he simply knows, somehow, that Merlin - who has literally collapsed upon seeing him emerge from the lake; who has seemed so utterly shattered by his apology; and who looks now so honestly sorry for his loss, gazing up at him from the ground, nothing but stabbing understanding and concern in his eyes - isn't to blame for that lost time.

Which means his presence, here and now, is puzzling indeed.

"What are you doing here, then? If you neither cured me through the lake nor provoked my return?"

Merlin seems to hesitate - looking embarrassed?

"I was waiting. Since you- I've been waiting for you."

And this just doesn't make sense.

"Why would you think I would, I could, ever come back, if I was...?"

"There is a prophecy, Arthur. So you were to return, in order to fullfill it."

"A prophecy?"

Arthur is stunned shocked. He had expected some malicious sorcery at work and Merlin having heard of it and come over - it would have made sense; and it would have given him the opportunity to fight, if not to save then at least to honour his lost people. But Fate? How is he supposed to make Fate pay? And what is Its intent to begin with? A prophecy about him? Arthur feels powerless. Is his life not even his own?

Then Arthur remembers the puzzling word has passed Merlin's lips once before.

(I'm sorry. I thought I'd defied the prophecy.)

So. Merlin knew about this? Before...? And never said a word - again? Another secret Merlin has kept from him; but this time, about himself? It feels even worse than Merlin hiding his magic. After all, Merlin's magic concerned Merlin, indeed. But how and why could Merlin keep something that concerned HIM from him? It hurts; and Arthur wants to know why.

Arthur's hands turn into fists at his sides to suppress his urge to snarl.

"You know, it's the second time you mention the word; but I still have no idea about what it exactly means."

Merlin's eyes are apologetic but clear as they hold his blaming gaze while Merlin professes:

"You are the once and future king who will unite Albion and bring magic back to the land; and helping you achieve such a goal is to be my destiny."

Another echo, of another odd word Arthur hadn't realized to be literal at the time.

(It's my destiny. As it has been since the day we met.)

And Arthur suddenly understands what he has never been able to comprehend until now. Merlin's puzzling bone-deep *devotion* to him; that dumbfounding unequivocal absolute *commitment* he has never wanted to doubt nor question. Well; it turns out it has in fact little to do with him... He is simply a mean to an end, right? Arthur can't help but replay their shared years through his head now with this new knowledge; and it all slashes through him like a double betrayal. Arthur can't even tell what feels the worst:

Did I ever know you at all?

Do you even like me at all?

I want you to always be you, he had said - and he had meant it: the magic, all in all, had only been an adaptation. But this? This feels like a definitive, shattering change. And it hurts, losing Merlin; even though he's right in front of him. Does the person he believed Merlin to be even exist? Yet another grief, on top of his fresh mourning for everyone and everything he's lost; and Arthur wants to scream.

But all that comes out is a shocked whisper:

"So that's why you came to Camelot."

Arthur doesn't even know if it's an accusation or a revelation. But it is undeniably, for him, a revolution...

"What? No! My mother thought Gaius could help me. I had questions, about my magic, and she hoped he-"

Merlin seems honestly surprised - and appalled - by his train of thoughts; at once standing and coming closer in his urge to explain. But Arthur moves away, keeping distance between them. He cannot trust anymore in his abilities to see straight through Merlin without further information. He has never seen straight through Merlin, apparently.

"When did you hear about it then?"

"A few days after I had arrived in Camelot", Merlin confesses right away; eyes pleading, definitely understanding the terrible weight of his words yet obviously choosing to come clean - but not moving closer this time, knowing it would only be rejected.

And it's here, again; in those little things. The way Merlin not only respects his boundaries, but respects them *even at his own expense*. The way Merlin has kept so much hidden, and for so long; yet has never been able to and still can't actually tell a lie right to his face whenever asked for the truth, even to save his own skin. It cannot be pretense, right? On the one hand, Merlin's face tells him all he needs to know. But on the other hand, Arthur still needs more answers, and he commands them.

"Who told you?" (Not Gaius, right? Please; not Gaius.)

"Kilgarrah."

"Kilga- who?" Arthur is honestly puzzled. He surely never heard of someone with such a name in Camelot.

"The dragon your father kept prisoner in a cave under the castle."

"What are you speaking about?" Arthur doesn't let Merlin time to answer though, cutting him once more as he opens his mouth - collateral information must wait for later, when faced with such an enormity. "No matter; one treacherous beast just said (can dragons even talk?) *this nonsense*, and you believed it? It's insane!"

"The druids spoke about it too."

"That's even more insane! Why would the druids trust- They hated Camelot. They hated me."

"They didn't. Not all of them, at least. (helpless sigh) Anyway, the prophecy is truth, Arthur. Your return is proof of it. You were to rise again; when Albion's need would be greatest. And you just did, Arthur. You just did."

The words stab through Arthur, making him see red. So Arthur cannot be softened by the evident not only wonder but even joy in Merlin's voice and eyes and everything. It comes out in a roar.

"My people needed me! What need can ever be greater than that responsability!"

Silence falls, all the more shattering after his outburst.

But Merlin has heard his need for an answer, and so he gives him one - even if it's none; shaking his head in helplessness, voice breaking and eyes begging:

"I do not know, Arthur."

Merlin is nothing but obviously caring, and sorry - sorry for him; holding his gaze with only patience and commiseration - hurt about his hurt, regrets about his regrets, and helplessness about his helplessness.

And somehow, having to see Merlin's hurt and regrets and helplessness feels worse. Worse than the sting Arthur can't help but feel because all that time and Merlin has never said a word, again. Worse than his own hurt and regrets and helplessness even, somehow: because the pain on Merlin's features is his own doing, again - even though Arthur has sworn to himself only moments ago never to hurt Merlin that badly anew; and even though he knows that none of the injustice he feels is Merlin's fault to start with. Arthur feels guilty for having lashed out.

Besides, Arthur knows his rage cannot and will not change a thing, sadly. Even Merlin's supposedly unparalleled magic is powerless, obviously. So. His whole purpose, his reason to be, has simply vanished. The desperate rage finally turns into crushing grief, the shout into a devastated whisper.

"The only destiny I ever wished for was to be the King Camelot needed. And now Camelot is gone."

"No."

The fiery professed word brings his attention back to Merlin - Arthur hasn't been expecting an answer; it hasn't been a question. Merlin shakes his head, a clear denial; and then kneels down on one knee, all reverent, head bowed down.

"For as long as I draw breath, Camelot still stands, Arthur. I may have grown up in Ealdor, but you have always been and will always be my King."

The words ring nothing but deeply heartfelt. But to Arthur, they only feel infuriating. Merlin officially bowing to him off formal ceremonial occasions makes him sick. Because surely Merlin is deferent in any way but not that one, especially when it's just the two of them. And most of all, because this is fake and wrong. Arthur wouldn't tolerate even for the most helpless person to bow to him simply because he should to start with; so the greatest warlock to walk the Earth, the most powerful being alive probably? The idea isn't only ludicrous, it's simply nauseating.

"Because a prophecy says that you were 'born to serve me'?", Arthur can't help but spit out, knowing now how literally Merlin had meant those words. It is not enough. It could never be enough. Arthur lets out a deep sigh though at the edge he couldn't keep out from his tone, realising in fact and no matter what, he is more angry at Merlin's Fate than at Merlin himself. How come Merlin isn't enraged too, to start with? He is just as much a puppet of Fate as he is, isn't he? "Get up Merlin; this is ridic-"

"Because I wouldn't change a thing, Arthur", Merlin exclames, cutting him mid-sentence. And it is not often indeed that Merlin actually raises his voice; and it startles Arthur silent. Arthur has crossed a line, apparently.

The most startling though is to realize that Merlin's lines aren't about Merlin (he sure never looked angry over buckets full of cold water over his head or anything): they're about Arthur - once long ago about Arthur creeping around in the woods unprotected; and now, about Arthur misreading him. Merlin's eyes are now boring into his, nothing but fierce and ardent; even though his voice turns again gentle and even adamant:

"You are not my King because of a prophecy. You are my King *in spite* of it. I grew up wondering why I was born with the abilities I had. But when I was told... Believe me, I really didn't want it to be true; at least, you bet I didn't want it to be *about you*. But then... I got to see what you were truly made of; who you really were. And everything I've ever done since then has always been for and because of you, Arthur. Not because I was supposed to; but because I wanted to. Because I believed in you. And if my destiny is to be of any use to you then I am proud of it indeed - because I am proud of you."

As always, Merlin just sounds sincere, radiating unwavering loyalty; and Arthur is baffled. Can it be true, despite it all?

"Just get up already, Merlin," Arthur repeats tiredly. Everything is just... confusing.

"No."

Stubborn - as always, again. It would make Arthur smile if it didn't feel so heartbreaking.

But then, Merlin lowers his gaze once more as his hand moves about his collar, and Merlin is presenting him with Camelot's ruler's ring, holding it out.

"Here. Gwen had what is rightly yours - according to each soul in Camelot - sent to me; so that I could give it back to you on your return."

And Arthur is paralyzed. It means so much. But he cannot take it. It is both too much and not enough. And more importantly: he has no right to - he has let his people down.

"Please, Sire."

And Arthur hears the word exactly for what it is. 'Sire' had used to be his official appellation in Merlin's language in their beginning ('My Lord' being restricted for sarcastic comments since its first use). But its meaning has grown over time - as Arthur had let simply his first name or nothing at all become the norm between them - and Merlin only uses it now on special occasions: whenever Arthur needs an extra boost in confidence and Merlin feels like insisting on his allegiance to him. Some things apparently truly never change.

"It doesn't have to be for me; nor for you."

He's transparent to Merlin, isn't he? Always has been, probably. It doesn't feel worrying though. It is a gift, to have someone who understands him that intrinsically.

"It is the wish of your people. Take back your ring. Wear it with pride. For the love of Camelot."

And how could Arthur deny this? The rallying cry is deep embedded in his soul, indeed - and he would never turn it down. No matter his guilt or inadequacy, Arthur will honor his people's will.

"For the love of Camelot."

Arthur finally takes the ring from Merlin's hand and puts it on.

AN:

I swear, those two will be the end of me. Everything about them is so LOADED, and it hurts :( Their shared history is heavy. Merlin's lonesome centuries are heavy. Arthur losing in a wink his reason for being is heavy. I'll never rest until they get some happiness, they just deserve it :(

Also, please don't be angry at Arthur. He's not at his best in this bit, I agree; but his purpose for being alive is gone for good and he's supposed to be all right 'because it's meant to be'? He has a lot to go through, and it is a lot to take in. So remember two chapters ago. Arthur isn't good with talking about feelings; but he's brave, and when it matters, he speaks - and he actually said A LOT to Merlin then, for someone usually emotionnally constipated who expresses his affection by throwing punches, right...

(PREVIOUS CHAPTERS)

(Warning for this chapter: suicidal thoughts)

I. (MERLIN POV)

Merlin holds Mordred’s sword in his right hand, appraising it. He still can’t believe he has found it; still can’t believe it’s actually in his hands.

Over sixty years now - nothing; yet far too long - Merlin has been waiting for this moment. Since he has begged Freya, and threathened (and apologised - he couldn’t blame Freya for not listening; he wouldn’t have either, if their roles had been reversed), and begged again - in vain, for Excalibur. Since he has finally understood that he was a fool to hold onto hope for something that couldn’t, wouldn’t come to pass. Arthur was *never* coming back: Merlin had simply witnessed enough - he had witnessed too much; and too many times; and definitely one time too much one time too many - to ignore it any longer.

It was not that Merlin had grown too tired of waiting - too tired of the ache, the longing, the loneliness… For Arthur? Merlin would *always* wait; however long it might take.

It was not that Merlin had come to believe mankind didn’t deserve Arthur to rise again to start with - even though it *was* an easy conclusion, when it was at its worst, when it turned its anger against itself - too many horrors, atrocities, bloodshed. But mankind could be beautiful, when loving, in any form; and marvelous, too, when it was at its best; when it turned its anger towards its limits: the medical progress over the ages would have had Gaius exhilarated, and proud; and what about its general neverending thirst for discovery, for explorations, for quests? - of course Arthur would come back: if only he could.

It was just that Merlin had finally understood that he had been played - not even because Albion (the name has since long fallen out of use and its people had been scattered through the globe, so it might mean nowadays something else than it had used to to start with) had got united without Arthur (and even if it still only meant Great Britain, well, it might after all need to be united again); but simply because the list of unending reasons why Arthur should have come back to save the day and yet hadn’t (to mention only the very top of the list: half of humanity wiped out in a finger snap by the Black Death? the whole world collapsing in chaos, bend on destroying itself - World War?) had turned out suspiciously too long, and finally impossibly too long, as mankind had truly reached the lowest point not only ever but even possible without Arthur rising yet again (organised experiments and torture on toddlers, honestly?).

So.

Arthur wasn’t ever coming back from the dead, simply because no one ever came back from the dead (except as a shade - and that would be even worse, wouldn’t it? - or at a cost too great to burden anyway). It had been easy to believe in the prophecy; simply because it had been what Merlin had wanted. A distant promise of Arthur returning was still way better than no Arthur at all, and so Merlin had willingly taken the bait. But the fake prophecy had obviously been made up; as revenge, or entertainment - or both; and Merlin had felt stupid for not having realized this ages ago - The Sidhe were proud indeed; and Merlin had thwarted them. (It had been easy to forget it at first - to tell himself that they hadn’t known Arthur was THE Arthur at the time, whatever…) Merlin wasn’t sure about what Kilgharrah might have exactly known or not (On the one hand, Kilgharrah had forged Excalibur, who had always truly helped them. And Merlin had been warned by the Great Dragon, right from the start, and repeatedly; so wouldn’t it all have worked out just fine if he had listened. On the other hand, if he had listened? Wouldn’t he have been a monster, punishing people for crimes they had not yet committed? So maybe giving him the truth had in fact been the sure way to have him not acting on it. After all, Kilgharrah had hated the Pendragons - at least Uther - enough to have tried to wipe out Camelot. And he hadn’t been exactly pleased either to discover Merlin was a Dragonlord, even if he had seemed to soften when he had realized that Merlin would not control him as a puppet. And last but not least, Kilgharrah hadn’t taken care of Aithusa as Merlin had thought he would; and that’s how Aithusa had ended up with Morgana - and had forged the sword that had killed Arthur), but it didn’t change anything anyway…

Well, you bet Merlin hadn’t been willing to indulge them any longer. Not that anger was what was driving Merlin, of course. There was simply *no point* anymore in waiting. Nor in living, to be honest - especially as it might be what kept him from actually finding Arthur again somehow; next life, paradise, wherever and however and whenever? Merlin was no religious man, but even he had no answer about what happened after death after all. Maybe it was worth a shot? It was a very, very thin chance indeed; but it was still more of a chance than just staying here waiting for *nothing*… So. Merlin had begged Freya for Excalibur. But as she had kept absent, it had dawned on him at some point that Excalibur wasn’t the only blade he could use… Merlin had searched for that other mighty weapon through his magic for years; then had sent his creature to retrieve it when he had successfully localized it.

And here, now, finally, is Mordred’s sword.

And Merlin feels no dread, no fear, while holding it. If anything, he feels calm - calmer than he has ever been, probably. And that’s how Merlin knows that his decision is indeed right: even his magic agrees.

He should do it in the lake though. Magical artifacts just shouldn’t linger around in the open, huh…

Yes.

Let Mordred’s blade rest along Excalibur.

And let Merlin rest along Arthur.

Freya will make sure they all lay undisturbed.

Merlin blindly pulls at the cord around his neck, taking it out from under his tunic and sliding his left hand along it until it closes around Arthur’s mother sigil (AN) and Camelot’s ruler’s ring (Gwen had it brought to him, so he could give it back to its true owner on his return: Camelot in the meantime was to be ruled by a Concil of Knights and a Guardian, until Arthur would come back to sit on his kept empty throne and his kept empty seat at the Round Table).

Merlin closes his eyes; makes a silent promise.

I’m coming, Arthur.

He takes a first step into the lake.

Backstory: +1500 years in short - because it hurts and I just don’t have the heart to fully write the prologue I had intended to write:

Merlin has never left the lake. He kept waiting. He couldn’t, wouldn’t leave, (nor SLEEP even for that matter by the way) no matter for how short - imagine if Arthur came back just when he was NOT there, huh. And of course he wouldn’t trust his magic to warn him somehow - it had failed Arthur when he needed it the most after all. So no. Merlin has never left the lake. But Gaius has mentioned to him (Merlin got visitors, in the beginning (and his mother came to live with him until she died); before he cut himself off the world) how maybe the time he was given without Arthur was to LEARN more about magic; so that he would be prepared when Arthur came back to face whatever ordeal they were supposed to face. Because even if Merlin is hyper *aware* - he feels *everything*, through his magic - practice is necessary too. So Merlin mastered the art of molding sand/clay and animating it with his magic (basically, he walks the Earth as Old Merlin - because people tends to let old grumpy men on their own - whenever he needs anything physically). He can speak, hear, see, learn, through him, following the world as it expands (America, Australia, etc etc, because even if he was aware they existed, he couldn’t physically *go* there before they were ‘found’). And he can touch, and carry (for example you bet he brought back something red for Arthur to wear every time - Merlin sort of owns a ‘male red mode through the ages’ museum by now - and he hates it, of course). The first time Merlin has truly thought Arthur *would* come back has been The Great Plague. The second time has been WWI. The last drop has been the Nazis and Unit 731 experimentations. So Merlin sent its creature to fetch Mordred’s sword after having localized it though his magic - and that’s what Old Merlin is bringing back to him when this all starts (aka that shot at the end of 5.13)…

(AN: Just so you know, Merlin’s magically pierced in the thickness of Ygraine’s sigil to pass a cord - he wouldn ’t make a hole in the front design of course!)

(Also… A resurrection fic!? What am I getting myself into!? I’m still a newbie around here so I definitely haven’t read enough Merlin fics to ever claim making something original (so by the way, please feel free to let me know your all time favourites resurrection fics! So far I’ve read The Change Trilogy and Like the cycle of the year we begin again (and they’re both gorgeous reads so run and read them if you haven’t yet!) but I haven’t seen (yet?) my take, both on the waiting and on the getting along after Arthur’s return, in the fics I’ve read so far, so I thought I might as well write this down ?)

II. (ALTERNATE POV)

Arthur regains consciousness under water.

He’s cold; so cold he’s shaking - helpless, steady spasms he just can’t put an end to (being past half dead apparently has repercussions?). But it’s bright, up over him, and he instinctivally pushes himself up towards the light; towards the air.

The moment he breaks the water, Arthur registers that he’s not only alive but that he feels *just right*. No pain in his side, no weakness, no dizzinesss, no strain: nothing wrong at all - except from the convulsions from the cold, but you bet he’s not going to complain, all considered. The sun is veiled by clouds, but feels nonetheless like a welcomed warmth on his face, and Arthur breathes deep, bringing his arms up and turning his palms towards the warmth too as the tremors start to subdue; he’s alive!; and well! He doesn’t need to pat his absent wound in wonder, nor to look at the water, transparent clear instead of bloodened red, to know that what he feels is true.

Merlin’s done it.

He *has* saved his life.

Again.

It’s both unexpected (Arthur had been so sure he had taken his last breath, when all had finally faded to black, no matter how much he had been trying to stay with him, as Merlin had pleaded; to hold onto Merlin, to his voice, to the way he was holding him) - and yet somehow expected. Magical waters and a sorcerer who knows how to work its power would do wonders, obviously. It has happened before after all, bringing his beloved Guinevere’s spirit back?

A sudden realization; and Arthur can’t help but laugh. And it feels so exhilarating - alive! alive! - the laugh turns into a howl; and Arthur relishes on it, throwing his head back. Honestly? How could he have ever been *so* blind - of course it had been Merlin then too by the water edge, disguised as an old woman!

Somewhere on his right, a buoying laugh erupts.

And Merlin knows that laugh. So hearing the exact right tone of that entirely unexpected laughter at once feels as if a vicious invisible hand is squeezing at his heart.

He had forgotten it; he realizes. But he would recognize that howling laugh amongst any other…

Merlin doesn’t dare to *believe*. Cruel hope nonetheless blooms unbidden in his heart, and his eyes can’t help but zero in on the source of that sound.

And it is exactly as it should be; exactly as it has used to be…

There *is* ARTHUR; standing in the lake, water reaching his hips, chainmail glistening, head thrown back as he laughs. (Has anyone ever looked more simply breathtakingly majestic no matter what they did and even without trying?) Merlin can only see his back, but you bet he would recognize the shape of that back amongst any other too.

Merlin’s breath is knocked out of him; and Mordred’s sword falls from his hand.

Merlin knows what he hears and sees *cannot* be true. He has seen the world in a much, MUCH more desperate state without Arthur coming back then. There is absolutely no reason for Arthur to come back right now. So. He is being granted a vision; that’s all. But of course Merlin wouldn’t, couldn’t, try to take his own life anymore, not after having had even just a glimpse… Besides, he has just handed over the last sword that could end him anyway. Merlin has to acknowledge The Sidhe’s thinking; they know exactly well how to play him. But damn, they are vicious.

But no matter the abysmal pain from such a low blow, Merlin still considers this to be a gift, and is determined to draw it out for as long as he will be allowed to. Those few seconds might sustain him for another fifteen centuries to come, and maybe more…

Arthur quiets down after a while. Thinking about his savior: where is he?

Arthur scans his surroundings; and the warmth he feels when he finally spots Merlin definitely eclipses the sun.

The laughing stops, and Arthur turns, eyes searching; and a bright smile appears on Arthur’s face the moment they find him.

“Merlin!”

Merlin’s knees give out. His name through Arthur’s lips has sounded *exactly* right - righter than in any memory Merlin has relied on to live on hanging onto. And it hurts. The shame, and guilt - to realize he had forgotten *this* too? It shouldn’t have been possible - to have something so dear going misformed; a pale, withered, incomplete, erroneous copy, so far from the original that its truth has disintegrated? Oh yes, it hurts.

And Merlin’s fingers dig; hard, deep into the sand. He cannot reach out. He longs for; he *aches* to - both physically and emotionnally. But he cannot. As long as it’s only his eyes and ears that are deceived, then he can pretend it is true…

Merlin starts to cry. He can’t help it; he cries - as he hasn’t cried since, well, all those years ago: silent tears endlessly streaming down his face, unabached, treacherous; and Merlin hates them - hates the way they blur his vision when he has to - HAS TO - *see*. He is powerless to stop them though.

It is *blinding*.

Merlin has tried, so hard, to keep remembering, to NOT forget. But his memories, even sustained with his magic, have so obviously failed him; haven’t done Arthur any justice at all. Merlin has forgotten so, SO much; and being proven just how much he has actually forgotten slices through him like a knife. The exact darker shade of Arthur’s blond hair when wet. The exact way Arthur stands and moves. The exact sharpness of Arthur’s features - his nose, his cheeckbones, his jawline. The exact shape of that smile - that particular, undeniably fond smile following his name Merlin has used to live for and from. Guilt slashes through him again. How could he have *forgotten* the exact shape of *that* smile; the most precious to him amongst the myriad of each and every of Arthur’s smiles?

But then Merlin collapses, instead of cheering with him - he has thought him gone for good? And Arthur suddenly feels like there is still after all a gaping aching wound on his body; but this one deep in his chest, and of his own making. He owes Merlin *everything*, doesn’t he? Yet he has hurt him - and so very severely. Despite it, though, Merlin obviously still cares for him; and so very much… His own behaviour puts Arthur to shame. So. Arthur hadn’t had the time nor the strength to plainly apologize before. But he has now; and he won’t run away from the words that he needs to say - and even more important, that Merlin needs to hear…

Arthur is now rushing through the water towards him - so fierce!, so strong!; alive and well!? His smile is gone though; replaced by worry - because of Merlin’s tears, no doubt: yet another reason to hate them then…

And then Arthur is plopping down in front of him, out of breath; and Merlin gets proof again of just how much he had forgotten - the exact colours and depths of Arthur’s eyes! There is now a fragile smile back on Arthur’s face - a soothing smile, meant only for Merlin’s sake; and it’s going to break Merlin’s heart, no doubt.

III. (MERLIN POV)

“I’m fine, Merlin. I’m fine.”

And not only the voice is perfect, but the language is the one Merlin hasn’t heard for over a millenium…

“Arthur?” is all Merlin can let out - no more than a somewhat hiccuped whisper as he still has no breath, no voice, to start with; but an obvious plea coming from the depths of his soul. A world of wonder, and longing, and ache, and disbelief, and hope - because no matter what, Merlin can’t help but want; can’t help but hope - in those two syllabs that own his heart. Magic *does* exist, after all; and Merlin would give it all - all the magic he possesses, all his pain, all his hopes, everything - for this vision to turn real.

Arthur’s already fragile smile falters: “Don’t you remember, Merlin. No man is worth your tears.” The reproach is nothing but badly fake though, and Arthur’s voice somehow breaks as it ends: “Especially not me.”

And then suddenly - and so quickly Merlin doesn’t register any of it before it has actually happened, and so it is too late for him to move backwards to prevent it from happening - Arthur brings his hands on Merlin’s face, gloved fingers brushing his tears away under his eyes - and Merlin can *feel* them!?

Merlin is lost; lost in what he sees, lost in what he hears, and lost in what he feels. Can this be true? Can it truly be true?

But then Arthur starts speaking again - rushed out words leaving Merlin stunned.

“I apologize, Merlin. The way I reacted- (sigh) I deserve all the names you’ve ever called me and more. I’m thick, and dumb, and *such* an idiot, and a complete dollophead, and a cabbage head, and a prat, and a royal *ass*, and I still don’t know what a clotpole exactly is but I’m certain I am the definition for one indeed too. I may have seen anyone with magic turning against me; but I should never have doubted *you*, Merlin.”

Merlin just cannot believe what he’s hearing. It’s everything he has ever wanted to hear; everything he has ever hoped to hear - so how can it be real?

“But more than anything, I think, I’m sorry because I should have known, Merlin. I called you a liar; looked at you like you had betrayed me. But you’ve told it. You actually shouted it for everyone to hear; and I believe you nearly told it to me, privately, at least once, and presumably more… But I just didn’t want to hear it, did I? So I’m sorry I was such a coward; a *coward*, Merlin. And I’m so sorry, and so ashamed - and honestly I really can’t blame you for not trusting me to understand: because you were right; and it guts me, Merlin.”

Merlin shakes his head, about to interject - real or not just cannot matter anymore; not when Arthur’s gaze is boring into his very core, pleading and honest and full of a guilt Merlin just can’t bear to witness: “Arthur-”

Arthur silences him though, cutting him off by shaking him once by the shoulders: “But what counts is that I know, now, Merlin. Your magic is not only part of who you are; it also makes you who you are. And I will trust it; because I trust *you*. You must believe- No, let me rephrase this before you obey me again - because you *always* obey me, don’t you Merlin; even when whatever I say in anger or despair isn’t intended nor meant to be an order; and I’ve done it so often, haven’t I… ‘Do not put me into that position again’? ‘Tell me it’s gone’? (AN) So. Can you believe me; Merlin? It’s not an order; I definitely do not deserve to give you any order at all to start with anyway. And you don’t even have to forgive me; you shouldn’t forgive me. But please, at least, can you b-”

“Of course I believe you. And there is nothing to forgive, Arthur. Nothing.” Merlin half shouts, ancient words flowing instinctively, head skaking 'no’ for emphasis, bringing his hands up to Arthur’s wrists and pushing downwards, keeping Arthur’s hands in place on his shoulders. If this is a waking dream then Merlin never wants to leave it. This is solid enough, real enough, for the rest of his maybe neverending life. “You’re here. You’re well. That’s all that matters, Arthur; I swear that’s all that has ever mattered to me.”

Arthur holds his gaze for a long, long time; as if waiting for Merlin’s clear eyes to betray his words. And when he finally seems confident enough that they are indeed genuine, he whispers, but it sounds like a pledge: “And you’re here, Merlin, and you’re *you*; and I swear that’s all that will matter to me from now on.”

AN: Tiny quote from my Body Swap fic; sorry, I just couldn’t NOT put it there, it just FITS…

(Also, just imagine they speak in old brittonic… but please don’t expect me to write it? sorry?)

IV. (MERLIN POV)

Arthur squeezes his shoulders one last time and then lets go, about to stand.

“Now, let’s go home. We have a feast to prepare in your honor.”

Merlin cannot tell if his heart has just completely healed or totally disintegrated. Let’s go home?

It’s real! Of course it’s real. If Arthur doesn’t know- It’s real! Arthur is truly back! And that’s…

But *Arthur doesn’t know*. And so *Merlin will have to tell*.

Merlin blanches. He feels guilty, anew. Because he has hoped and prayed and begged for Arthur to return; with everything he had. He has been selfish, hasn’t he? And he has been blind; stupidly blind - again. All those years he has prepared for taking care of a still bleeeding wound, for clothes, for food, for any necessities; but it has never crossed his mind that Arthur wouldn’t know… and he is not prepared for Arthur’s emotional pain; and even less for causing it. Some small part of Merlin can’t help but wish now that Arthur had stayed in the lake after all, had never awoken. It’s too cruel. Merlin shouldn’t be the one to break Arthur’s heart.

Arthur is reading his panick wrong, of course:

“Don’t worry- No one else has to know about your magic if you don’t want to. But you DID end the war, Merlin; you did what I couldn’t do - Morgana… All Camelot should know what they owe y-”

And Merlin can’t bear Arthur’s concern on his behalf any longer; making it last feels like a betrayal. And no matter how much Merlin doesn’t want Arthur to get hurt, ever, he cannot and will not lie - not about this. Conjuring ghosts wouldn’t be real and would only make it worse in the end anyway. The only option is a clear cut, right away.

“It’s not- (deep breath) I’m so sorry, Arthur. We cannot go home. You were gone. For such a long time. For such a long, long time, Arthur. I’m so, so, sorry.”

And Merlin watches, feeling his eyes filling up once more, as Arthur’s eyebrows furrow in incomprehension; as Arthur blinks, taken aback as realization hits; as Arthur’s eyes turn desperate and pleading, shaking his head in denial-

“No. I remember just-” His voice falters as he probably notices the house behind them - the house that definitely hadn’t been there before - and who knows what more (trucks on the road farther away? joggers in strange clothes passing by?) “And you look exactly-”

And Merlin has nothing to say, nothing to offer, to soothe the hopelessly growing pain ready to crush his King, hollow him out - nothing but the cruel testimony of his once more, always, useless tears; and Arthur knows, indeed.

It comes out as a whisper, but it sounds as if Arthur’s spirit has gone with it, vacillating.

“They’re all-”

And the only thing Merlin can say still is: “I’m so sorry” - again.

“My people? My Knights? My- Guinevere…”

And it hurts. Oh, it hurts; to have to see Arthur’s broken heart on his face, to hear its crack as his voice breaks on his Queen’s name and his head turns away.

“I’m so sorry.”

A litany; a chant; a prayer. Over, and over, and over. Pointless, worthless, useless, anyway; as his King cries silent tears, all the more shattering by their quietude…

Then Arthur is up and pacing, a fierce but dark spark in his eyes as his hands turns into fists - anger, rage; of course.

“Why did you bring me back then? How could you bring me back if-?”

And Merlin would gladly take a blow; if it could help Arthur to feel better, somehow. But nothing comes. It’s Arthur. Of course nothing comes.

Arthur briefly closes his eyes, inhaling sharply. And when he opens them again, Arthur’s anger hasn’t faded; but isn’t directed towards Merlin anymore.

“But then; you would have brought me back right away, wouldn’t you have - if it had been in your power…”

And Merlin feels crushed, again; by how he *always* fails Arthur, indeed.

“I’m so sorry…”

AN: I realize I do have a thing for Merlin crying - blame it on Colin’s A+ crying performances - so of course it has to appear somewhere… Merlin will not weep though for much longer, if it can reassure you…

@clone-number-1

#merlin #merthur #bbc merlin #merthur fic #bbcmerlin #the once and future fic #my own two spells #fic #fanfic #text

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higuchimon · 3 years ago

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[fanfic] Recollection In Pain

Taichi fed little pieces of meat to Agumon as they walked along the street. There weren’t many thoughts in his head right now. Some people would have said that there never were – they weren’t right, but they would have said it regardless.

“Is that all?” Agumon wanted to know as they came to a crossroads. A few people they passed gave him odd looks but at least no one seemed ready to drag out weapons and start attacking. Taichi counted that much as a win.

“We can have more later,” Taichi reassured him, staring at the large building across the street. The hospital – why had he come here? No one he could think of was here. There probably were a few – the last couple of battles hadn’t been kind – but he wasn’t sure if he knew any of them personally.

But it wouldn’t hurt to go see. He headed over that way, nodding a little to guards and nurses and doctors, none of whom seemed to so much as notice his existence, let alone Agumon’s. Without being sure of why, his feet followed a path that he couldn’t have said where it would lead him.

Down the hall, to the elevator, to a higher floor, down the hall again, Agumon padding along in silence with him, no one giving him a look or asking who he was there to see. A small thought flickered that this should have been unusual, that someone should ask questions, that he should know where he was going, but faded almost as soon as it existed.

It doesn’t matter. Taichi told himself. Truth to tell, he wasn’t sure of what did at the moment. He didn’t let himself worry about it. He had more important things to deal with and once he checked this visit off his list, he could go on about them easily enough.

There were quiet voices in the room ahead of him. He wasn’t sure if he recognized them or not. But he came closer, stuck his head around the doorway, and checked out what was in there.

Three guys and a girl – well, four guys. The fourth looked older, more of a young man than the junior high students the others had to be. Something seemed a bit off there too, as if Taichi should have known him as much as he did the others.

But something else caught his attention and he headed inside.

“Hey! You’ve got a pair of goggles just like mine!” Well, not quite like his, but close enough. They looked a lot like the ones he’d had when he was this kid’s age. Whatever had happened to those anyway...

“It’s you.” The kid’s voice didn’t sound right – cold and flat and angry and wrong. Taichi couldn’t remember having heard it and yet he knew that this person shouldn’t sound like that, ever.

He took a step back, eyes flicking around. The four younger ones all glared at him as if he’d done something to personally anger them all – and the fifth one just regarded him with regret and sadness. Taichi thought that was worse.

Gennai. The name flashed through in a heartbeat and faded away. Gennai wasn’t this guy. Gennai was either old or had tried to hurt them. Taichi wasn’t sure of which, but didn’t have time to think it over before everything else connected to the name faded too. He shook his head and moved further in.

What he wanted to say was to greet them and ask if everyone was all right, how had they been hurt, were their families coming for them? Before a word could get out of his mouth, that same one spoke again.

“Let me guess. You don’t remember us.”

Taichi’s mouth fell open but not a word came out. He swallowed and tried again. “Why would I know you?” He didn’t want it to sound cruel but he thought it did anyway. The way they all kept on glaring cemented it.

“Because none of you do anymore,” one of the other boys said, the one with deep blue hair. Taichi thought it might be easier to look at him than the first one – and then changed his mind. Those violet eyes were every bit as cold and full of rage as the first boy’s were, if not even more so. It looked to be a very old rage as well, one well-honed and sharpened.

Taichi tried to figure out what he might say that made sense. He wasn’t having a lot of luck.

“I – I don’t think I’ve ever met you?” He tried, and flinched at the way the cinnamon-haired boy’s fists clenched.

The blue-haired one reached over, their beds close enough so that he could touch the first one’s hand. “Daisuke. Calm down.”

“I don’t want to calm down. I want to punch him in the face.”

Taichi glanced for a second at Agumon, who just smiled warmly up at him, perfectly willing to go along with whatever he wanted. He didn’t doubt Agumon would protect him from evil Digimon but from angry humans? Who knew?

“Get out of here,” the girl said, her voice too tired to be angry and yet somehow managing it. “Get out and don’t come back.”

“But before you go -” Something in the first boy’s voice caught Taichi’s attention and he looked back long enough to see something fly at him.

He caught it mostly by instinct and stared down at the goggles in his hands, confused. These were his old ones. He recognized plenty of the nicks and scratches on them. There were some that he didn’t, but those looked fresher than the ones he did.

Slowly he raised his head to stare at the other, who stared back with eyes full of rage that he’d never seen before. It hadn’t even been this bad when SkullGreymon had been around – either time.

A stab of pain lanced through his head, and Taichi stumbled, heart skipping beats, fingers tightening around the goggles as he drew in a stuttering breath. He raised his head again and this time when he looked at them, he saw. He knew.

Daisuke. Ken. Iori. Miyako. Gennai. His friends – the one who had guided them in the Digital World. They were all here, and he wasn’t even of certain why, only the crushing sensation of guilt that refused to shift away no matter what.

No need for that. The voice whispered ever so softly, and he knew without knowing how if he looked he’d see nothing. At best the hinted existence of eyes watching. But nothing more.

His throat closed and he wanted to apologize, to do what he could to explain, and to promise that he would try to find out what happened and how to make it better.

Only before he could forge a single word, a wash of energy started at his head and rushed all the way through him. As it passed through, that moment of knowing and remembering faded away and he blinked slowly. What had happened? Had anything happened?

He held a pair of goggles in his hands. Where had those come from? Uncertain and a bit confused, he mumbled something about needing to feed Agumon and backed out of the room. The feeling that he should be there faded away, replaced by an even stronger sensation that he needed to be anywhere that wasn’t here.

Perhaps it was for the best that he didn’t hear the voices behind him in a very heart-felt and very furious argument. He wouldn’t have remembered anything about it anyway.

The End

Notes: I know now who is responsible for the memory manipulation and why they’re doing it. I have more little fics involving the older Chosen to slot little pieces in – and someone is going to suffer consequences for her actions. But that will come in September.

#fanfic #higuchimon writes #taichi yagami week 2022 #digimon adventure 02 #digimon tri #yagami taichi #motomiya daisuke

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sleepyfantasy · 7 years ago

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Smiling With Teeth: Chapter Nine Pt. 1

First Chapter

Previous Chapter (Part One) (Part Three)

Tamsin was fidgeting the whole time they were in the cab.

She tried to convince herself that she would be less nervous if she had been given proper time to prepare but she was also fully aware that this was most likely not the case.

“Can you sit still for two seconds, please?” Ji-Hye said, sounding really quite irritated by this point. As the smallest of the three girls, Tamsin was sitting in between Ji-Hye and Ji-Min in the cab, her legs pressing against both girls as she shifted constantly in her seat.

“Sorry,” Tamsin replied, almost automatically. Then she realised that she actually wasn’t that sorry because it was their fault that she was in this position in the first place. “I can’t believe you tricked me into coming to this,” she said, her own irritation showing through slightly in her tone.

“We didn’t trick you,” Ji-Min defended their actions.

“Yeah,” Ji-Hye agreed. “You could have shut this whole thing down at any point.”

When Tamsin gave them a look showing that she didn’t agree with that comment, knowing that she would have stopped this from happening if she possibly could have done, Ji-Min jumped in again.

“We never lied to you.”

Raising an eyebrow, Tamsin argued, “You told me we were just window shopping, then went behind my back to buy the dress I had liked. Then you told me it was to wear at this premier, and you ripped the receipt up in front of me so I couldn’t return it.”

The roads around the cab were getting very busy now, full of people trying to grab a glimpse of some of the celebrities that would be present at the premier. None of them would expect that one of them was inside the standard Seoul cab that was driving past them, however. The rest of AOA were arriving together in a limo, but Ji-Min had decided to arrive with her sister and Tamsin so that she was able to help Ji-Hye if Tamsin tried to go home before they could even get there.

“We didn’t trick you,” Ji-Hye started in a way that was half an admission of the fact they had tricked her, “but even if we had, you should still thank us because we are giving you this wonderful opportunity to talk to Tol Bean again.”

It took Tamsin a second to remember that ‘Tol Bean’ was the name Ji-Hye had given Rowoon in the group chat. “He has a name, you know.”

The had reached their destination by this point, around at the side entrance to the premier, missing the red carpet. Getting out of the car, Ji-Hye explained,

“I am aware of the fact he has a name, but when I talk to the guys about him I have to call him Tol Bean and it has become a habit.”

Looking at her unnie as she straightened out her dress, she said, “And how often do you talk to the guys about Rowoon?”

Instead of answering, Ji-Hye followed Ji-Min to the guard at the entrance, showing them their invitations then walking in, knowing that now that they had gotten this far, Tamsin was unlikely to do a runner.

Entering the party, Tamsin took a good look around. Everything was so beautiful.

She spotted the other members of AOA arriving to the red carpet and a couple of members each from CNBlue and FTIsland. As friendly as she was with Ji-Min and a couple of the other members of AOA, she still got very star struck around other idols, especially at the beginning, just like she had been with Ji-Min and AOA.

To be honest, she wasn’t brilliant at meeting any new people. This meant that while Ji-Min was socialising with people she knew from the company and crew from the filming of Click Your Heart, and Ji-Hye was socialising with anyone and everyone because she was just that kind of person, Tamsin was awkwardly hovering around behind them. Because of this, she had plenty of time to look around, seeing who was there, and looking for someone in particular. Once she had spotted him, she kept her eye on him, always at least half aware of exactly where he was.

Occasionally the Shins managed to pull her into the conversation, sometimes kicking and screaming, metaphorically so far. One time, though, she was actually very interested in the conversation. They were talking to a screenwriter, Park Sang-Hun, who was interested to hear her perspective as someone who watches Korean dramas and speaks both English and Korean. Especially as she used to watch them with the English sub-titles until she moved to Korea. They were having an in-depth discussion about how the translations could be improved, specifically showing things that are obvious in Korean but have no direct translation in English, like honorifics and words like hyung/noona/unnie/oppa.

Being as into the conversation as she was, she lost track of Rowoon. Which of course meant that this was when he spotted her.

He had been talking to some of the stylist noonas who were lamenting that they weren’t really needed yet, being Neoz’s stylists because they almost always wore their school uniform and commenting how much they were looking forward to the teams debuting so they could dress them properly. One of them commented about the fact they should be allowed to dress everyone that came to these sort of events because some of the outfits were awful. She specifically called out Park Sang-Hun as an example, pointing over to where he was chatting with ‘some girls’.

Rowoon didn’t even look at the man or his supposedly incredibly ugly suit, because he spotted a flash of green and purple. Tamsin was mostly hidden behind Ji-Hye and Ji-Min from where he was but he saw enough to know that it must be her. Immediately, he started walking towards her, almost forgetting to excuse himself from the conversation with his noonas.

As he approached, he saw that her hair was no longer in the same half up half down hairstyle he had seen whenever he had seen her before. Now, still in two buns, all of her hair was up, plaits leading down to the buns now low on her head. Then he noticed her outfit. The dress was so cute he was glad her hair was up so he could properly appreciate it. From everything he knew about her, it was perfect for her. It was different from anything he had seen before, the different pastel colours of the material matching with her hair and the geometric patterned purse she had paired with it.

When he tapped her on the shoulder and she turned around to look at him, after being captivated by her eyes for a little while, then her pastel painted lips, he noticed that she had pinned some badges on one of the pocket patches on the dress to make it even more her, and she had paired it with some white skeleton tights that he couldn’t imagine anyone else wearing but they really worked on her. Then he realised he had been staring at her too long and a blush appeared on his cheeks to match the one already present on hers.

“Hi,” he said, not really knowing where else to start. He had only thought about getting over to her, he hadn’t made a plan for when he got there.

“Hi,” she said in return, before quickly turning to Park Sang-Hun who had been rudely interrupted by Rowoon’s arrival and apologised before excusing herself to speak to the trainee.

Realising that the interruption had been him, not her, Rowoon then also apologised, bowing slightly to the man, trying to hold back a smile as he now noticed the suit. It was bright purple with zebra stripes and he had no idea how Tamsin managed to keep a straight face while having a conversation with the guy.

Once Rowoon had apologised, he gently led Tamsin a little away from the man, leaving Ji-Hye and Ji-Min to try to continue a conversation they had stopped paying attention to quite a while ago.

“It’s really nice to see you,” he said, sincerity showing through the almost cliché words. He must have said those same words ten or twenty times since the premier started. The members had all been sent out to mingle before they had to be on stage. This, however, was the only time he had really truly meant it with his whole being. “You look amazing,” he added, feeling the need to tell her because he couldn’t take his eyes off her.

She blushed in response, turning away slightly under his gaze as she replied, “Thanks, Ji-Hye and Ji-Min picked out the dress.”

Rowoon bit his lip.

He wanted to explain to her that he hadn’t been complimenting the dress. It was a lovely dress but it was nothing in comparison to the wearer. However, he couldn’t really find the words to explain that, and he thought he had made her feel awkward enough with his staring that he should move on.

“How have you been?” he kicked himself for the generic conversation he was having, too similar to others he had already had that day, but as much as he wanted to, he didn’t know her all that well.

Sending a little smile his way, she said, “Good, yeah.” Then she added, “Busy, but good.” Then she realised who she was talking to and continued, “Probably not as busy as you though, with this,” she gestured around at the premier in general, “you must be close to debut, right?”

“Yeah,” he started, smiling because he was happy to be debuting soon, but also because he hadn’t really figured out how not to smile when she was in front of him yet. Even via text, he beamed at his phone, confusing the other members as he spoke to her. “It’s supposed to be later this year,” he told her.

There was a lull of a few seconds where neither of them really knew what to say, then he remembered what had worked so well the previous time, “How’s university?”

She didn’t get a chance to answer the question, however, because as she opened her mouth, Dawon appeared from behind Rowoon, weaving through the crowd and in front of him. Noticing who his dongsaeng was talking to, he spoke quickly, “Oh, Tamsin! Hey! Wish we could chat but we are needed up on the stage.” Then he grabbed Rowoon’s arm and physically pulled him away, commenting as he went about how good it was that Rowoon was so tall because otherwise he wouldn’t have been able to find him in the crowd.

Tamsin only half heard his comments, however, because Rowoon called out to her as he was dragged away, “It was really great to see you. We need to catch up later.”

Hearing the commotion, the Shins had managed to ditch Park Sang-Hun and appeared either side of Tamsin as Rowoon disappeared from sight.

“So he still really likes you,” Ji-Hye told her.

“Did you see the way he reacted when he saw how amazing you look?” Ji-Min added.

Blushing, Tamsin simply said, “Shut up,” and grabbed her phone from her clutch as she felt it vibrating.

When she hung up, she turned to her friends, “I have to go, right now. There was an accident at work and one of the carers had to be taken to the hospital and I’m the only carer available today that wasn’t already on shift.”

Ji-Hye frowned slightly, “I was hoping to be able to run into a friend here. I haven’t managed to catch him yet.”

Shaking her head, Tamsin told her unnie, “Of course you’re staying! I’m not pulling you guys out of this party you are clearly enjoying just because I have to go to work. I’ll get a cab on my own.”

“What about catching up?” Ji-Min asked.

Ji-Hye’s eyes lit up. “That’s right! What do we tell Tol Bean when he comes looking for you?”

Rolling her eyes and making sure her voice showed how obvious the answer was, Tamsin replied, “That I went to work.” Thinking for a second, she added, “I don’t think he’ll ask you though, he’s busy and he has my number, he can text me if he wants me.”

Then Rowoon left her mind as she went off to get a taxi and lamented having to go to work in her pretty dress and heels, praying this was one of those lucky vomit-free days.

Later on, however, when all of his commitments were done for the day apart from another round of mingling, Rowoon searched for Tamsin. He wanted to ask her out for dinner the next night, having known and liked her for over a year at this point, he thought it was about time.

Not being able to find her anywhere, he was relieved to eventually find Ji-Hye, talking to Taeyang, coincidentally.

“Hey, Hyung,” the younger said. “Have you met Ji-Hye-noona?”

Rowoon nodded distractedly, quickly commenting, “We met at the filming of the show.” Then he turned to Ji-Hye, “Is she still here?” he asked hopefully.

With a slow shake of her head, she said, “No, sorry. She had to rush off to work. She said to text her, though.”

He thanked her with a bow and left, he didn’t want either her or Taeyang to see how disappointed he was. As he continued mingling, however, his mind was always at least half trying to plan how the text conversation would go that night, hoping it would lead to a date sometime soon.

Next Part

Masterlist

#rowoon fic #rowoon/oc #kim seokwoo #sf9 fic #sf9 rowoon #rowoon fluff

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myrah519gaming-blog · 5 years ago

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allthingslincoln · 7 years ago

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Here is a Lincoln letter that I haven’t posted about too often on here...mostly becaue it is REALLY long (but as always - totally worth the time!)

In March of 1864, Abraham Lincoln was pondering the fate of southern prisoners and was setting the stage for a wide release of men that were in the hands of Union troops.

Having learned from past experiences, Lincoln knew that he had to have his Secretary of War, Edwin Stanton, on his side in order to accomplish this.

In the past, Lincoln often had simply endorsed and forwarded a request of pardon to Stanton, hoping that the notorious hothead would let it slide.

Little less than a year earlier, Lincoln had pushed his luck when he commuted six death sentences of Union soldiers on a single day...prompting an outburst from Stanton along with several Generals about the growing lack of discipline within the army.

This time around, Lincoln drafted a long and well argued note about the need of pardons hoping “to have your cheerful assent to the discharge of those whose names I may send”.

Below is draft - of which only part made it into the final note - as well as the transcript.

And also, don’t miss Stanton’s reply ;-)

My dear Sir:

I am so pressed in regard to prisoners of war in our custody whose homes are within our lines, and who wish to not be exchanged, but to take the oath and be discharged, that I hope you will pardon me for reviving the subject. My impression is, that we will not ever force the exchange of any of this class; that taking the oath and being discharged, none of them will again go to the rebellion; but the rebellion, again coming to them, a considerable per centage of them, probably not a majority, would rejoin it; thirdly that by a cautious discrimination, the number so discharged would not be large enough to do any considerable mischief in any event, will relieve distress in at least some meritorious cases, and would give me some relief from an intolerable pressure. I shall be glad therefore to have your cheerful assent to the discharge of those whose names I may send, which I will only do with circumspection--

In using the strong hand, as now compelled to do, the government has a difficult duty to perform. At the very best, it will by turns do both too little and too much. It can properly have no motive of revenge, no purpose to punish merely for punishment's sake. While we must, by all available means, prevent the overthrow of the government, we should avoid planting and cultivating too many thorns in the bosom of society. These general remarks apply to several classes of cases, on each of which I wish to say a word

First, the dismissal of officers when neither incompetancy, nor intentional wrong, nor real injury to the service, is imputed-- In such cases it is both cruel and impolitic, to crush the man, and make him and his friends permanent enemies to the administration if not to the government itself-- I think of two instances-- One wherein a Surgeon, for the benefit of patients in his charge, needed some lumber, and could only get it by making a false certificate wherein the lumber was demominated "butter & eggs" and he was dismissed for the false certificate. The other a Surgeon by the name of Owen who served from the beginning of the war till recently, with two servants, and without objection, when upon discovery that the servants were his own sons, he was dismissed

Another class consists of those who are known or strongly suspected, to be in sympathy with the rebellion-- An instance of this is the family of Southern, who killed a recruiting officer last autumn, in Maryland. He fled, and his family are driven from their home, without a shelter or crumb, except when got by burthening our friends more than our enemies-- Southern had no justification to kill the officer; and yet he would not have been killed if he had proceeded in the temper and manner agreed upon by yourself and Gov. Bradford. But this is past. What is to be done with the family? Why can they not occupy their old home, and excite much less opposition to the government than the manifestation of their distress is now doing? If the house if really needed for the public service; or if it has been regularly confiscated and the title transferred, the case is different.

Again, the cases of persons, mostly women, wishing to pass our lines, one way or the other-- We have, in some cases, been apparantly, if not really, inconsistent upon this subject -- that is, we have forced some to go who wished to stay, and forced others to stay who wished to go-- Suppose we allow all females, with ungrown children of either sex, to go South, if they desire, upon absolute prohibition against returning during the war; and all to come North upon the same condition of not returning during the war, and the additional condition of taking the oath.

I wish to mention two special cases both of which cases you will remember-- The first is that of Yocum. He was unquestionably guilty. No one asking for his pardon pretends the contrary. What he did, however, was perfectly lawful, only a short while before, and the change making it unlawful had not, even then been fully accepted in the public mind. It is doubtful whether Yocum did not suppose it was really lawful to return a slave to a loyal owner, though it is certain he did the thing secretly, in the belief that his superiors would not allow it if known to them. But the great point with me is that the severe punishment of his five years at hard labor in the Penitentiary is not at all necessary to prevent the repetition of the crime by himself or by others-- If the offence was one of frequent recurrence, the case would be different; but this case of Yocum is the single instance which has come to my knowledge. I think that for all public purposes, and for all proper purposes, he has suffered enough.

The case of Smithson is troublesome. His wife and children are quartered mostly on our friends, and exciting a great deal of sympathy, which will soon tell against us-- What think you of sending him and his family South, holding the sentence over him to be re-inforced if he returns during the war.

The plea for Stanton's cooperation was succesful - the Secretary of War replied the next day:

Mr President

Your order for the discharge of any prisoners of war, will be cheerfully & promptly obeyed.

Your Obedt Servt

#Abraham Lincoln #Edwin Stanton

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some1foundme · 8 years ago

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Fic: Lost in the Memory ch. 5

Title: Lost in the Memory

Author: Some1FoundMe

Summary: Oliver Queen returns to his home in Star City after a five year tour overseas, much to the delight of his friends and family. There’s just one small problem. The injury that effectively ended his military career also erased a part of his memory. As he struggles to put together the missing pieces of his past, his connection to his best friend’s little sister becomes something he can’t avoid. Who is Felicity Merlyn and why can’t he seem to stay away from her? Olicity AU, no Arrow, no island.

A/N: Good morning! Decided to do an early post today rather than waiting until after work (at least early where I am). The response to this fic so far has been overwhelming. You guys are amazing and I’m so glad that everyone seems to be enjoying this so far. Hopefully this chapter brings some answers for everyone, it certainly does for Oliver. Enjoy! Also, westernbeauty, thank you so much for everything, as usual!

Cross posted on AO3 and ff.net.

Chapter Five

“Mom, do you think I did the right thing?”

Her mother turned to her with a look of concern and a bit of mirth.

“Baby girl, don’t tell me you’ve got cold feet now! It’s a little late for that.”

Felicity shook her head, smiling broadly, and looked down at the thin band of diamonds that twinkled on her finger. She glanced up and sought out her husband. He was on the dance floor with Nyssa in his arms, both of them laughing and happy.

“Of course not, Mom. Oliver is… Oliver’s perfect,” she murmured, her cheeks warming at the look on her mother’s face, “I meant about Dad. Doing this without him. I know that we haven’t always been close but I – I never thought that he’d hate me so much that he’d miss my wedding.”

“Oh sweetie, your father doesn’t hate you. He’s just being a stubborn ass. He’s worried that you’re making a mistake, getting married so young, and he’s going to regret not being here. I promise you that.”

Felicity sighed and twirled her engagement ring around on her finger absently.

“I know we’re young, Mom, I do. But I love Oliver more than anything. He and Tommy are going to be deployed soon and we didn’t want to wait. We both know what could happen… Besides, it’s not like we’re having a baby. Dad was perfectly okay with Laurel and Tommy getting married after Thea was born. Why couldn’t he be here for me?”

Her mother sighed and squeezed her hand.

“I know it doesn’t always seem like it, honey, but you’re his little girl and it’s just hard for him to watch you grow up. He’s so proud of you for going to college, because you’ve always been such a good kid. I think the idea of you being someone’s wife is a little much for him.”

Felicity looked away from Oliver and Nyssa, turning to her mother. She hated that her father hadn’t been there to watch her marry the love of her life, she hated that a part of her family was missing. But as she thought about what her mother was saying, she wondered why she was surprised, why it hurt so much. After all of the yelling and the fighting, she wondered if it was better for everyone that he hadn’t come.

“Felicity, baby, don’t worry so much about your dad. Today is your day, it’s about you and Oliver. As long as being together is what you want, what makes you happy, then nothing else really matters.”

The blare of a car horn behind her signaled that she had been sitting at the light for too long. She threw a glare at the driver in her rearview mirror before turning left onto Water Street and heading for the cemetery.

It was the three year anniversary of Tommy’s death and, just as it had every other year, emotion overwhelmed her as she took the narrow road around the cemetery that would lead her to his grave. She had dropped Thea at school, electing not to remind her niece of the date, and found herself en route to Iron Heights Memorial Hill. She would bring Thea by after school if that’s what she wanted but Felicity needed time alone.

She parked the truck high on the hill and braced herself for the cold. The temperature had dropped considerably through the night as snow had fallen, leaving everything blanketed in white. She pulled up the collar of her coat and adjusted her scarf to cover the lower half of her face. Climbing from the truck, her boots crunched as they sank through a thin layer of ice. Frigid air stung her eyes and Felicity ducked her head to avoid the harsh wind. She trudged along the familiar path that would take her to the plot where Tommy, her mother and Laurel lay.

She paused at the last bend in the path, startled to see that someone had beaten her to Tommy’s grave. Oliver sat in the snow in front of the granite marker with her brother’s name engraved on it. He sat with his knees drawn to his chest, his back to her. Felicity moved closer and he lifted his head, turning at the sound of her approach.

“Hi.”

“Hey.”

She sat down beside him, wincing as the snow immediately seeped into her jeans.

“I remember the day that he died like it was yesterday. That is the one memory that I wish I could forget.”

Felicity nodded, pulling her knees to her chest and mirroring his position.

“I was supposed to be there that day,” he continued, “I was supposed to be on patrol with the unit but I’d cut up my hand the day before and the medic wouldn’t clear me. I was stuck at base camp. When word got back to us that they’d been ambushed by insurgents, I… I knew that he didn’t make it. I just had this feeling.”

Felicity held her breath, waiting for him to continue. They’d never talked about the day that Tommy died. In all of the letters that they’d exchanged over the years, he’d never mentioned that he was supposed to have been with the unit that day. He’ never really mentioned Tommy at all after it happened.

“I think about it every day. If I’d been there, I could’ve saved him. I could’ve done something.”

She clenched her hands into fists where they were tucked in her pockets and took a slow, deep breath.

“Or you could’ve died, too, Oliver,” she said finally, “I’m – I’m glad you weren’t there.”

Oliver took a shuddering breath, his shoulders sagging, and Felicity wanted nothing more than to throw her arms around him and offer him comfort. But she couldn’t do it. It had been difficult enough to be protected by him the night she’d confronted her father. Just those few moments had left an impact. It had been two days and she could still feel him.

“Oliver? Do you – do you know what happened to you? How you lost your memory?”

He shrugged, “There were five of us, my team. We were doing a sweep of a village about thirty clicks from our camp. We’d gotten reports that there was a heavy weapons cache there. We’d just stepped into this house when the bomb went off. We were buried in the rubble. I don’t know how long it took for them to dig us out. I woke up in a hospital in Germany almost a week later.”

A tremor raced through her that had nothing to do with the cold. Her brain conjured up a terrifying image at his words and she shook her head to dislodge it.

“I didn’t realized that anything was wrong, not at first. They asked all of the usual questions; name, rank, serial number. Standard stuff. But then they sent in a shrink to talk to me. Two of my men were killed in the blast and they assumed that I’d want to talk to someone. She started asking questions that I couldn’t answer. I remembered my parents, details about my childhood and Star City and my friends. It wasn’t until she started asking about my wife that they figured out I had amnesia. She pointed out my wedding ring and asked me about her, her name, what she looked like… But I had no idea.”

Felicity’s heart slammed against her ribcage, the sound of it so loud in her ears that it was almost deafening. It had been almost a whole week since she’d learned that he was home and she hadn’t known. She hadn’t had any idea that Oliver knew he was married. He knew he had a wife. He just had no clue who she was.

“They didn’t tell you anything? The doctors didn’t give you her name? They had to have had that information in your records.”

If Oliver noticed the way that her voice trembled as she spoke, he didn’t comment on it. He shook his head.

“No. I didn’t question it at the time. And when I got back stateside and searched through my stuff, I realized that I didn’t even have a picture of her.”

She swallowed past the tears that clogged her throat, willing herself not to cry. She’d complained once that he never took any photos of her when he went away, never took anything from home, but Oliver had confessed that it was too hard. It was difficult enough for him to be away from her with just his memories, seeing her smile in a photograph when he couldn’t see it in person, he’d called it torture.

“And your parents?” she asked, “You questioned them, didn’t you? They wouldn’t tell you who she is?”

It felt beyond odd to be talking about herself in the third person but she had to gauge how much he’d actually learned. It was clear that no one had told him that she was the woman he was married to.

“They refused to talk about her,” he confirmed, “My mother… well, you obviously know how she is. She seems to think that it’ll be better for everyone if I remember that part of my life on my own. I just wish that I could figure out where she hid all the evidence of her, of the wedding. I’d like to find her. I can’t imagine what she’s going through, how she must feel. I don’t even know if anyone has told her what’s happening. She has to be wondering why she hasn’t heard from me, right? It’s been a few months, at least.”

A sharp pang of guilt swept over her. Oliver was worried about her, about a woman that he couldn’t remember. It was obvious that he wanted to know who she was, he needed to, she thought, because he felt like he owed it to her to come home.

“But you – you have no idea who she is? No memory of her?”

He shook his head. He stared straight ahead at Tommy’s headstone and a small part of her wished that he’d just look at her. Because if he looked at her, he would see the truth on her face.

“I remember our house though. At least I think it’s ours,” he told her, “It’s a small cottage, set back off the road. There’s a huge maple tree in the front yard. It’s got dark wood shingles and white shutters and a giant picture window. I think. I’m not – I’m not convinced that I’m not making all of that up.”

She squashed the hysterical laughter that tried to escape her. Nothing made sense to her anymore.

Oliver turned to her suddenly, realization lighting his eyes.

“You know who she is, don’t you?” he asked, “Felicity, please, tell me.”

She inhaled sharply and looked away. She started to shake her head, pausing when Oliver’s hand landed on her elbow.

“You’d want to know, wouldn’t you? If you were me? You’d want to know.”

She thought back to her conversation with Moira. She hadn’t agreed to anything. She wasn’t going to avoid him, she wouldn’t lie to him. His parents had made the decision not to tell him about her and they’d done so without discussing it with her. It wasn’t fair. If Oliver wanted to know his wife, he had that right. And as his wife, she had the right to tell him.

She nodded, “Yes. Yes, I’d want to know.”

“Please, Felicity, I need you to tell me.”

Closing her eyes briefly, she took a steadying breath.

“I – it’s me, Oliver. I am… I’m your wife.”

When she opened her eyes it was to find him staring openly at her. He didn’t speak as he watched her and Felicity couldn’t decipher what she was seeing in his expression. Was he surprised by her answer? Did he not believe her? As the silence stretched on, doubt began to creep in. Had she made a mistake?

She barely noticed the cold air biting at her exposed skin as she waited for him to say something.

“Felicity, look at me please.”

She blinked up at him, not even aware of the fact that she’d looked away, and hoped that he couldn’t see the threat of tears in her eyes.

“Why – why didn’t you say something?”

She shrugged.

“I didn’t know what to say. When I realized that you didn’t recognize me that night at Verdant… God, I don’t know. I just didn’t know what to do.”

The hand at her elbow fell away and she huddled into her coat.

“You’re not wearing a ring,” he pointed out.

She shrugged again, “It’s on a chain around my neck all the time, I never take it off. But I work in a bar. I wait tables and do dishes all day. I was worried about knocking the stones loose so I don’t wear it on my finger.”

“Alright. I – how long? How long have we been married?”

“We got married in December. It was seven years ago last month.”

Oliver nodded, “And Thea… she’s definitely not our daughter?”

Felicity snorted, “No, Oliver, definitely not. I did not have a baby at fifteen. Well, she’s not ours biologically. When Tommy died, I was granted sole guardianship of her. We officially adopted her last year. Legally she’s ours.”

“And the two of you live in our house?”

“We do. Would you – do you want to go there? I can take you to the house.”

“I’d like that. But I have more questions. Do you mind if we stay here for a few minutes?” he asked.

Felicity smile. He looked so young and hopeful, even a little eager, and she couldn’t say no to him. It didn’t matter that she was freezing or that her ass had gone numb from sitting in the snow for so long. She would do anything he asked to see that look in his eyes.

“What do you want to know?”

His grin made her feel lighter than she had in days.

“How long have we been together?”

“Nine years now, almost ten.”

“We’ve been married for seven years… you were only nineteen. Is that why my parents didn’t tell me about you? Did they not approve? They fought us on getting married when we did, right?”

She laughed, shaking her head.

“Surprisingly, no. No one really tried to stop us. Well, my dad wasn’t happy about it but that’s a story for another time. Thankfully your parents have always like me. Tommy and I were both really close to them.”

“But you’re not close to them now?”

“I – it’s not the same. It’s always been easier with you around. But your mom has been great with Thea, she’s always willing to help when I need her. And we always spend the holidays with her and your dad.”

She shivered as another strong gust of wind shoved at their backs and Oliver pushed gracefully to his feet. He held a hand out to her, pulling her up beside him when she took it. They stayed close as they trekked down the path to where she’d left her truck. He was quiet as they went.

“Are you alright, Oliver?” she asked, climbing into the truck.

She fiddled with the dials, flinching when cold air burst from the vents before it began to warm.

“I’m just trying to absorb all of this… it’s not what I expected. You’re not. And please don’t take that the wrong way. I’m just surprised, that’s all.”

Felicity smirked, “I can understand that. Best friend’s little sister and all. Kind of a cliché.”

Oliver shook his head ruefully, “Kind of.”

When she turned out of the cemetery back onto Water Street, Oliver angled himself on his side of the bench seat, watching her as she drove.

“I’m sorry.”

She frowned, “For what?”

“I don’t know… all of it? All of this?” he sighed and raked his fingers through his hair, “I wish that there was something I could do to make myself remember you. I just – there just isn’t anything there. How is it that I don’t remember you? That I can’t remember the woman that I love?”

“How do you know that you love me?” she asked quietly, “You didn’t even know I existed ten days ago.”

The sad smile on his face hurt more than she was ready to admit.

“I don’t know… but the fact that we’ve stayed together for almost ten years has to mean something, right?”

#arrow au #olicity fanfiction #some1foundme fic #lost in the memory fic

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2tsrwzsba-blog · 5 years ago

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