mrkthoughts

[mrkthoughts]

Over four years...

It’s been over four years since my last post here. So many things happened. People came and people went... I’ve re-read all my old posts (there weren’t that many anyway...) and I was a little annoyed. I think I’m a completely different person than who I was even two years ago, but in my current moment, in a bad mood, depressed and angry with things that happened today, I can actually relate to the worst parts of my old posts, meaning I haven’t changed as much as I thought. Maybe what changed is just how I deal with these emotions. Externally I seem much better than at the time, although in many aspects I don’t feel different inside, sometimes. If I keep posting I’ll probably talk about this in future posts but, for now, I’m not really in the mood.

Until I started writing, I wasn’t really sure about what made me want to post here again. I knew I was in a really bad mood earlier, but for years now I’m in therapy, and I learned to open more to people (something that bit me in the back a couple years ago), so I didn’t really have a need for this blog anymore.But that being said, something I realised today is that I share too much with people I’m not really close to, and I decided to stop doing that. So I talked with just one person about what happened that made me miserable, and even that was a superficial talk. Besides that, I don’t really talk anymore with two people that at one moment I couldn’t imagine my life without, and those were the friends that I talked about anything and everything. I still have some great friends of more than 10 years, that I talk on a daily basis even, but I never really felt that I could talk about some of these things with them... And my therapist can only do so much once a week hahaha.

So yeah.. Maybe I’m back for good. It’s nice to have a place to just talk about things and put my thoughts in order. I’m not gonna write about what happened today because even before I started this post I already felt a little better. Maybe I have changed after all. I’m thinking about a different approach here on tumblr, if I keep this up, but that’s something for another day. I guess Mr. is back, but for now, I’ll leave this pointless post here and go to sleep ‘cause life awaits in the morning.

Mr. K -out-

[mrkthoughts]

A new mood

I didn’t post here in a while... This time I didn’t forget about this tumblr, but I had a couple good(?) reasons not to post. Warning: Probably long post ahead

The main reason I didn’t post these past few months, is that a couple weeks after my last post I actually talked to one of my best friends about something I intended to post here. She doesn’t know about this tumblr, no one knows, but talking to her about something that intimate to me, released some emotions I’ve been burying for way too much time... I said in previous posts that talking to someone always helps, but ironically, I never really tried before.. And yeah, that helped a lot.

The second reason is that when I came here a few weeks ago to post about something interesting that happened, I read again my last posts, and I have to say, I felt ashamed of myself... I mean, I know I was in a bad mood, bad things happening and everything, but the way I complained about Robyn and everything... So selfish, so... I don’t know. Disgusting maybe is the word I want...

But know that’s past. So much things happened these past few months. Another rollercoaster of emotions, but I’m basically in the same place I was back then - with a slightly better mood tthis time. And if you want to know about Robyn, I practically didn’t talk to her since my last post, but a few days ago I sent a message and we started talking and we are talking normally again. I may not be her best friend anymore, but I’m okay with this now. Things change and I have to accept that. - but it’s nice to have her in my life again.

This post wasn’t going to be just about Robyn or the reasons I didn’t post. I wanted to talk about the first time I really wanted to post here while I was in a good mood, and why I’m feeling like this now. But as I finished that last paragraph, I felt really well, and didn’t want to spoil that with a long story about this weekend. So much happenned, including this, and I’ll try to post about these months in the next few days. For now, I’ll leave you here. I hope you are feeling as well as I am now, and if you’re not, talk to someone. Don’t bury those feelings like I did before.

Mr. K -out-

[mrkthoughts]

What was I thinking?

It’s just a quick update about my last post, because I realised my stupid decision.

I talked to Robyn, just as I said I was going to. I didn’t really said everything I wanted, I just asked if she was upset with me or something. She told me that because of her anxiety issues, she’s not using her phone a lot lately, but there was no problem between us. It’s pretty much what I expected, and did give me an answer to her not messaging me first. So I got a little calmer, but I wasn’t convinced I was wrong yet.

Today I send her a message asking how she was and if she was back already, We talked for a while and I said I miss her because we have not seen each other for almost a month now, so we should do something this week.

She told me she misses me too, but this week was a little complicated because of her work, but next week should be fine. “Okay” I though “Things will be back to normal”. I was thtinking earlier to ask her to do something today, but she just came back from another city. She must be tired, so I said this week, and she pushed to the next. Okay.

And then, a few minutes after we stopped talking, she sends me a message saying “I’m almost ready, Paul”, and then apologised because it was not meant to me. I mean, what was I thinking??? Things would magically be back to normal? I lost my spot as best friend to Paul. I knew this already, but I convinced myself I was just being paranoid. I probably just didn’t want to accept it... It would be nice to have someone to slap me in the face everytime I start creating false hopes about something...

Anyway... I just needed to get this off my system... It’s nice to have a confirmation every now and then that I’m an idiot. [/sarcasm]

Mr. K. -out-

[mrkthoughts]

I lost my best  friend

I’ve been thinking about posting this for the last few days. I’m really sad because of this, and kinda surprised, because it is the first time something -or someone- left me like this and wasn’t Carmen’s fault -I’m even havin anxiety attacks almost every night. I feel my heart racing as I write this, and hope I’ll calm down by the end of the post. If you are reading this, I should warn you that this will probably be the longest of my posts. I don’t wanna divide this post like I did with Carmen, and I already delayed this more than I like to admit. Anyway, let’s continue.

For starters, I should give my friend a name. Let’s say she is called Robyn. I should also say I didn’t really lose her. At least nothing was said and in theory everthing is ok between us. The thing is: I know her too well, and I know what is happening now. You may think I’m paranoid, but this is the truth. In the past, I knew what she was going to do when she didn’t have any clue, or even when she said before she wasn’t going to do something. I know her and I know how she thinks, even if she only acts like this unnintentionally. But let’s go back to the beggining.

I met Robyn on my first semester in college. We’ve been good friends for around five years now. She was dating a guy at the time, let’s call him Paul.he was her boyfrined for six years. When they broke up we were friends already, and we never really had any kind of sparks, so I never made a move, so we got to be even closer over the time, coming to be best friends. She talked to me about everything that happened with her, and I talked to her. We were there on the good and the bad moments.

On time a couple years ago, she sttarted dating a guy, and came to be that kind of person who trades everyone for her boyfriend. For two whole months she kinda disappeared. Not just me, but all her friends were kinda pissed, and after those months she eventually got back to her old self, while continued dating the guy. A few months later they broke up for another reason, though. Last year I got a little upset again, because sometimes she would cancel something with me to go out with guys she met on Tinder. She is very pretty, so she had a lot of dates with ease -Something that contributed to my upsetness, because I’m socially awkward and can’t even get a single date- and since then I felt things a little different, but nothing much, everything was still normal.

Earlier this year she went to another country for a month to visit a cousin, and simply loved it there. She decided to arrange everything so she could move to this other country. It’s funny, because we messaged each other almost everyday when she was there, and I knew it around a week befor she told me what she decided. She came back to my country a couple days after I broke up with Carmem. Around that time I was completely devastated, for everything, but I found in me something that made me genuinely happy for her. And for this last months, I had hope that I could move there too, eventually. Even if it takes a couple years. I put in my mind that I wanted to be near my best friend.

A month later she travelled again, but to work there for three months. I missed her a lot, and she said she missed me too. We didn’t talk so much this time, because she wasa extremely busy with work, and she even managed to find a new boyfriend there. And the we get to june, when she came back. She kept going on how she wanted to enjoy the three months she is staying here, becaus in september she will probably travel agian, but for good this time. She is going to live there. And I had so many plans, things we could do before she leaves and everything, butt now we get to te title of this post...

One thing I didn’t mention, is that before this last trip, she met Paul -remember him? The guy she dated for six years- and they talked a lot, they missed each other, but not as boyfriend and girfriend. They wanted to be friends again. When she came back, she met him again, one day before she came to see me. I get it. They live near each other, but I was kinda jealous. But okay, nothing much. Or at least was what I thought... It starded with we not seeing each other as much as I thought. Then, one day we were going out and she invited Paul to come along, and even changed what we were going to where he recommended. I don’t really care about this, Paul is a great guy and the place was really nice. We had so much fun there. I realised the problem one the next few weeks.

That thing was on a friday. On the next friday we were going out again, without Paul, but she cancelled because she was feeling sick. Again, it’s okay, but on that saturday, she went to a party. What got me upset is that we talked a few hours before the party, and knowing I had absolutely nothing to do that night and was bored, she didn’t even consider inviting me. I didn’t really get upset until the next day when I discovered she went there with Paul. I mean, she invites him when going out with me but not the opposite? It’s not like they’re dating again. She still has her boyfriend on another country.

Since then we haven’t messaged each other that much... I wanted to see how many times she would take the iniciative and message me first. I was surprised with how few times it happened. On the next friday we were going out, but she got sick again, this time I had it coming because itwas the whole week, but again, saturday or sunday she was already going out with friends again. And since that friday I haven’t talked to her... It completed a week today. I got to know through her instagram that she is in another town with her sister -or whole family, I don’t even know this.

This week was when it hit me what happened. When she broke up with Paul, she had almost nobody else. He was her best friend at the time. So we got closer and that role eventually fell on me. Now that he is back in her life, even if she didn’t realise this, I now understand that there is no place for me... Again, you may think I’m paranoid. But I know her. I know I should talk about this with her, instead of staying silent until she realises something is wrong. I know that I am childish and stubborn doing that. I decided that I have to grow so I’ll talk to her tomorrow. Or maybe sunday when she comes back. But I already know the ending of this... Even if I’m wrong, september is right sround the corner, and I lost this time with her. And she is going away forever. I lost my best friend...

You probably realised, but I’m dramatiic, so everyttime I think about it, “Hurt” by Johnny Cash comes to my mind. “Everyone I know goes away in the end”  I lost so many people this last year, and I feel I’m still losing. I would be devastated if it was for deaths or anything like that, but it’s almost worde to think that everyone is just moving away from me. I don’t know if I’m a shitty friend or what. If I treat everyone so badly they get sick of me. But sometimes, even more this last months, I feel that it would be better for everyone if I never really got into their lives... I feel like I’m here just to be a bad thing in everyone’s lives, so they can move on to better. And I’m left here alone. On the same place I’ve always been. Stuck forever...

Sorry for the extremely long post... I fell like I haven’t said everything, but I can’t really get myself to write more. I’m crying while finishing this... I hope to feel better soon. I probably just need to get used to the idea of life without Robyn...

Mr. K -out-

[mrkthoughts]

New things, I guess...

I talked a lot about how things aren't going really well lately and I had so much to talk about, but I didn't really think I'd be back this soon...

I don't really wanna go into anything specific as my story with Carmen this time. We had enough of that for a while already. I just wanted to talk about something I don't understand. I've been in a rather bad mood lately... Sometimes I have to hold myself or even put on my headphones and ignore people who cares about me -and I care about them, too- talking, just so I don't explode simply by hearing someone speak... I don't mind appearing to be an asshole to them... In my mind I know I'm doing this for the better. If I exploded on them, it would hurt more than simply ignoring a little.

(side note: as I'm writing this, flashes of my relationship with Carmen come to my mind... But I don't really wanna think about that right now, and I guess that if I go deep on this though, I'll just wander in circles)

Continuing about that bad mood. Although I'm like that these past days, I still can enjoy myself in general. Listening to sad musics and posting here have actually helped to prevent a breakdown. But today was different. I had a really great day. I got together with some friends and we spent the whole day drinking, playing games, talking and laughing. I even forgot about my cellphone for hours -and that's really rare for me. But at the end of the night, when I was giving everyone a ride home, some things I didn't want to think about came to my mind. And now I'm here in my bed writing this post, with some sad songs on the background, completely ignoring this great day I had, just because some things I can't change and won't really affect my life at all are in my mind. Even I know this doesn't make sense.

As I finish this post, I don't really understand better why I'm like this, but I do feel a little lighter. Pearhaps this is an habit I'll keep... For now I'll leave you here. I'll try to enjoy a little more the feeling of the great day I had, while I'm trying to sleep. Trying to remove the focus of those bad thoughts. And again, if you are a real person reading this, I'll invite you to do the same. Try not to focus on the bad things. Even if your day wasn't that good, things will get better. Focus on the good on your life and let everything else go.

Mr. K -out-

[mrkthoughts]

Harder than ever (part 4/4)

Yeah... Almost a month later and I’m finally here to finish this story. Between good times and bad times this month, I didn’t really want to write this post. I wanted to talk about many other things, but my pseudo-OCD kept from posting another thing until I made this part 4.

You probably guessed what I meant with the title by now, but I’ll talk about it anyway... As I said last time, I never was trully happy. Mainly when I was by myself, I had this really bad feeling inside me that I never knew what it really was. But it never was that bad. I could live with it pretty well in general. Aside from some minor problems and thoughts, I was ok. Until that day with Carmen so many years ago. It was a little taste of happines, but was just that. A little taste. On the years after that I kept remembering that day but I was still used to the way I felt every single day.

The real problem came after I broke up with her. I felt happy, in peace... But this time it lasted longer. It lasted months. I got used to it... The contrast with what I felt at the end of the relationsip was so big it almost killed me, quite literally... And after I moved out of the apartment to the place I’m living now, I slowly started to be the guy I was before this relationship with Carmen... I thought I would be okay. “I’m used to it”, I kept telling myself. But I wasn’t used to it anymore. It was harder than it ever was before, just to exist without her... Not really her, but that feeling that only her made me feel...

As people say, time heals. I’d like to say I’m better now, although writing that last part did get my eyes a little teary. I have other problems to deal with, and dwell in the past won’t help me with them. I hope that finishing this post I can finally move on from this whole shitty story I have with her and focus on the present - which isn’t that great on the past few days, but this talk we leave to another day.

I’ll leave you here now. It is a little funny, because I had so much to talk in this conclusion, when I first thought about this post back in may, but I guess people change. We are never really the same we were yesterday... If you’re a real person reading this, I really don’t know why you’re doing this, but if you’re in a bad place right now, feel free to send me a message. I’m not that great either, but the least we can do is stick up for ourselves. I don’t know if I can help, but if you don’t have someone to talk to, or are afraid of what people will think, at least I can promise I’ll listen, without judgement or anything. Talking to someone always helps...

Mr. K - out -

[mrkthoughts]

Harder than ever (part 3/4)

A little more than ten days, but I’m back. A few things happened this last few days, and I’m beginning to rethink this title... This is actually a great thing, but we will get there eventually. I’ll continue telling you about Carmen now.

One thing you need to know is that I never was trully happy. I had great moments in my life, but they were distractions at most. I don’t know if I have depression, but I surely have some symptoms of it. Maybe I’ll talk more about this on another post. The one time I felt trully happy, was an afternoon I spent with Carmen, around five years before this story about we dating even begins. Nothing happened between us back then, but it was like nothing else in the world matters. And since then I wanted to feel this again. When we started dating last year, I had this feeling. My life was completely shit, but when I was with her, It felt like everything was perfect. I loved her. I knew it. A couple months later I had a fight witth my father, and he kicked me out of his appartment. I was arranging to live by myself, but somethings happened and I couldn’t. After a couple of weeks solving problems, I ended up living with Carmen. Her mother had an apartment for rent in our city, and said we could live there together. Everything was starting to be better (I wanted to get out of my father’s home since I was 18). We were still happy for the next few weeks, but new year came and I won’t get in details, but Carmen did something that shattered me inside, and since then our relashionship started going downhill. In late january/early february we got to a point where we had 3 to 5 fights a week. I still loved her, and wanted to make her happy, but this was completely destroying me. One day I couldn’t take this anymore and ended everything. I realised she could never be happy with me, and this was better for both of us. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my entire life.

For now I’ll leave you here, but I’ll try to comeback soon to finish this story on my next post. I even wanted to talk about other things on the last few days, but I felt like I need to finish this before talking about something else. Anyway... Hope to see you soon.

[mrkthoughts]

Harder than ever (part 2/x)

For once I didn’t really forget about this tumblr. In the past ten days I thought about posting this, but I actually found something to keep myself busy, and valuing my mental health I prefered to keep distracted instead of thinking about everything that is slowly killing me. Anyway, let’s continue with the story.

A couple weeks after my date with Violet, Carmen had a fight with her mother, and decided to live with her grandparets. They live in the same town as me, and in fact, their house was just a few blocks away from the building I was living at the time. At first I though this would be a problem, but Carmen told me she didn’t want to end things with her boyfriend, whom I forgot to mention in my last post. They were in a relationship for 5 months when she came back to my town, so they decided to try a long distance relationship. If, like many people out there, you’re skeptical about this type of relationships, you can chill out. It didn’t work at all. Just a week later she told me that she was thinking about breaking up with him. At the time, all those latent feelings I had for her had already came back, and when she broke up with him, sending me hints and such, my mind was completely numb. I didn’t know what to think, I didn’t even know what I was feeling. I talked to her and gave an ultimatum. She could be totally honest with me for once, or she could get out of my life for good. We talked a lot that night. Basically she wanted to try and have a relashionship with me. After a few hours of conversation about what we really felt about each other, why we didn’t have anything before and how it would be if we had now, we decided to give it a try. The day after this talk, we started dating. I couldn’t believe that after all those years, this was finally happening. I was completely frightened and yet excited, because I could finally have an answer to this shitty, shitty story we had.

Remembering the beginning of my relationship with Carmen is getting me a bit emotional right now, so I’ll end here today. Again, don’t know when I’ll post again, but tomorrow I’ll do something I hate, but at the same time I’ll enjoy (I’m a complicated person), so... Yeah, maybe I’ll post tomorrow, maybe in another ten days. See you next time.

[mrkthoughts]

Harder than ever (part 1/x)

Well, I completely forgot about this tumblr since my last post. So many things happened and I was actually happy for a while, but I’ll get to this later. I’ll write now what happened to me in the past eight months and why I’m back here. As you probably guessed by now, it does not end well.

On my last post I had this moral dilemma about going out with Carmen’s friend. I’ll call her Violet. I did went with her to the movies, and although we had a nice time and I could clearly tell she was expecting me to make a move, which is rare since I’m normally completely oblivious of hints girls give to me, at the end of the night I simply couldn’t. I think my moral compass wasn’t as messed up as I thought, or hoped, at the time. After that I kept in contact Carmen, who was living with her mother in another town. I still won’t tell the whole story, but essencially, we met at school, when we were both 12 and she was really into me. Love letters and everything. Now I know I had feelings for her back then, but when I was that young, I was way stupider than I am now, and I ran from her. It didn’t help when she got to the point of stalking me (limited to what a 12 year old can do). In the following ten years, she came into my life many times, but we never really had anything. When I realised I had feelings for her, she was already in another town, and everytime we had a chance to be together, something happened, usually folowed by a fight and me pushing her away from my life, while she was fine and I was completely destroyed emotionally (or at least what a teenager thinks is rock bottom). The thing about Carmen is that although she kept making me miserable, she really knew me and she was really easy to talk to. I enjoyed just talking to her, more than I enjoyed talking with most people. Not to mention those latent feelings every now and then came back. That’s why I always let her come back to my life. This last time was a perfect example of this. She sent me a message, and I tried to push her away, but before I realised, we were talking for 9 hours already, about many things. Anyway, this summarizes my history with Carmen, and why I kept in contact with her after the date with Violet. I keep going back and forth on this story, but I’ll try to be a little more consistent in the next few posts. (at least i hope this history take only a few posts). For now I’ll leave you here. I expect to continue this tomorrow but, as always, I won’t promise.

[mrkthoughts]

What am I doing?

I actually forgot that I had this tumblr again. My mind exploding in things I can’t say out loud, and I didn’t know what to do, until I remembered this. Looks like my memory isn’t the best after all. Anyway... A girl from my past reappeared recently. Our history is way to big to tell here. I guess I could summarize, but it wouldn’t translate all my feeelings about this. For now you just need to know that I’ve know her for 10 years. I didn’t have any contact with her in the past 2, though. But in all these years, everytime she was in my life, it was hell until I pushed her away, just so she came back a few months later. Now she wants to pretend we’re friends. She wouldn’t leave me alone and I don’t have the heart to block her. I said for me this is not a second chance (or whatever number we are after 10 years), although this was what I told her. She wants me to meet her friend, and wants us to get along and stay togheter, but didn’t tell her friend our history, and told me not to tell her. I could never start a relationship lying like that. Never. But since I don’t go out with a girl for a long time already, I agreed. She is really nice, but I won’t have a relationship with her. I plan on goin out with her a few times, enjoy and such, and when (if) things start to get serious, I will have to end it all, because I lied from the beginning. It is almost okay to do that. Almost. I was capable of accepting that it’s wrong, but not enough to make me not do it. But the girl has problems to trust people. She had a terrible ex-boyfriend. I am not even concerned what I’m going to look like in the history, but how much damage will I cause to this girl just for a selfish decision I’ve made? Can I live with this afterwards? I still don’t trust the girl from my past. For all I know she is doing this just to make me suffer again, and if so, it’s working. I usually finish my texts here feeling lighter and with at least a couple of answers on my mind, but not surprisingly, this time I can’t even think straight, like everything in my life that connects to this girl (let’s call her Carmen, for now). I still have a couple of days before going out with Carmen’s friend. I hope to have an aswer by there...

[mrkthoughts]

Second thoughts (already...)

It’s funny... When I was writing the first post, despite feeling a little uncomfortable, I felt it was right, like “this time it will work. It will be good”. Today I hadn’t even begun to write, thinking about the topic I had in mind yesterday, and already felt a little silly about this. I mean, the whole idea is contradictory by default. I write this posts for myself, but I keep them public. I don’t really want people to read this and know me too well, but I feel frustrated because I’m doing something that is public and no one else sees. I think... No, I know that I am contradictory, and I hate that, simply because it makes me be inconsistent. I have my beliefs and moral values, but often I at leastt think very different from them, and some times I even act, although this last one is rarer, since I try my best no to be a hypocrite... Thinking better, this post does have something to do with the other topic I wanted to talk about, but I’ll probably just push it to another day, as I do to almost everything, until I forget about it. As I finish this post, I don’t feel so silly anymore. I realize that writing my thoughts down, even though no one is there to read, actually helps me. It instigates trains of thoughts while making space for these new ideas to grow. So, I’ll probably be able to commit to this, longer than I though. I just need to remember this feeling now, everytime I’m in doubt if this works when I’m starting to write a new post. For now I’ll end this one here, wondering if I’ll ever be able to talk about my latest doubts or if new ones will keep coming and take place on my posts...

[mrkthoughts]

Beginning

If I recall correctly, this is my third attempt on creating this tumblr. Every time I feel confused, or when I feel the urge to express something I can’t say to anyone, this tumblr pops on my mind as an escape valve. I don’t know if this will really help, but I do hope to stay committed this time.On my others attempts, I tried to make posts daily, and this was the problem. First, because if I’m doing this just for myself (even though it’s public), there’s no reason to post every single day at the same hour as many pages do, because unlike them, I don’t do this to please any follower. I don’t need to stay active, and I probably won’t. This is a place for me to come just when I need to talk to myself, to put my thoughts in order and, maybe, get to some conclusions. Second is because I talk about my life and thoughts, and to be completely sincere, my life isn’t that interesting. I don’t have something different to talk about everyday. Actually, I usually have A LOT to talk about something, or nothing at all. Everthing being said, I don’t expect anyone to read this, but I will write sometimes as if I’m talking to someone. Maybe it will, help, maybe not. I just have to wait and see. And if you’re really a real person reading this... Man... You’re probably way more messed up than me or have way more free time, to read about some random guy who talks random things about his life on tumblr.... But who am I to judge? If you read through all my stuff, I think eventually you will know me better than my family or even my friends. Things I try to, but can’t say out loud, will be written in here. My deepest thoughts and emotions. This wasn’t everything I wanted to say on my first post, but I fell like I’m dragging this already, so to keep it as short as I can, other things will be said in future posts. I did have a topic in mind, to make me come back and create this tumblr for the third time, though, so maybe later I’ll log in and write my first real post, or maybe tomorrow, I don’t know. For now, I’ll leave you here.