#but never was a full group of adults so clearly wrong as this moment

[writingreadinglurkingandsmirking]

But I Shine So Bright - Rafe Cameron x Reader

Dear Reader Duology: Part 1, Part 2

Summary: You wake up hungover from the previous night’s party, and are struck with the realization of the conversation you’d had with Rafe prior. You decide that, yes, you should actually have that conversation with him sober like he’d suggested. So, that’s what you two do. Word Count: 5.1k+ TWs/CWs: Adult/profane language, she/her pronouns used for reader, brief descriptions of a hangover, OOC Rafe in that he's only a little crazy and is actually willing to admit he was wrong, unrealistically fast relationship re-establishment, Rafe still wants to kill that guy lol, bad example of a healthy relationship but hi this is Rafe be so for real here, Rafe obviously has pretty privilege Note: Yeah so I just decided to do the part 2 lmao so here she is. And now it has me thinking Thoughts about doing more Dear Reader inspired fics for OBX babes...like a Dear Reader duology collection sounds like a fun little project hehehe

Waking up was more painful than you’d anticipated. When you’d gone out, you never intended to get that drunk. Decidedly, you’d drank more than you had in a long while. A stupid choice all around, but especially stupid considering you didn’t have the built-in protection of…him anymore. Your girlfriends had dutifully tried to slow you down, but you didn’t listen to them.

Fuck’s sake, even his friends had tried to stop you. To be fair, they’d been more successful. Yes, the first memory you woke up to was Topper and Kelce, your ex-boyfriend’s best friends, stopping you from doing a fucking keg stand. And that was just something special considering you knew damn well that you’d been wearing a skirt with nothing underneath. So clearly your night had been just full of good choices.

“God,” you groaned, rolling over on your side. Your eyes landed on a water bottle on the side of your bed. You blinked once, twice, a third time, and then lurched up into a sitting position. “Shit.” While the sudden movement made you nauseous for a moment, you managed to resist the urge to vomit. You scrambled for your phone. It was noon already. Fuck. You saw that a group chat with your friends had blown up and you had a slew of other texts.

Where the hell did you go?

Why did Topper come tell us that fucking RAFE took you home??

Hello?? Girl what the hell are you thinking?

You better call us and tell us that you’re safe.

Dude you better not fucking sleep with him I swear to God I am SO serious.

Be like Dua Lipa and remember the new rules bitch.

Be safe I swear to GOD bestie I’ll fuck you up if you get hurt.

If you fuck him you better not let him hit raw.

BYE don’t let him hit AT ALL.

“Shit,” you hissed.

You’d thought you’d had a dream that Rafe had been the one taking care of you. A pleasant dream minus the blubbering you’d been doing. But no. It turns out you actually had been blubbering on him. On the ex who left you for no reason and with no discernible guilt outwardly shown. This just had to be a joke. It had to be. The pit in your stomach wasn’t from the aggressive hangover, it was literally just the dread that had an iron grip on you. Looking down at your phone again, you saw a text from Kelce of all fucking people too.

Lmao I know you’re gonna be hurting this morning but let me or Top know if Rafe did anything stupid yesterday and we’ll beat the shit out of him fr.

You couldn’t help but let out a high-pitched, borderline hysterical laugh at the very idea. You run a hand down your face, grateful that Rafe had forced you to take the makeup off the night before. You felt sick and awful and still somehow better than you had before. It was pathetic somehow, on some level, that spending even an hour with Rafe had the ability to make you feel so much better and so much worse all at once. So, with trembling hands, you made a move to answer.

First, to your friends.

Not yall acting like you don’t have my location. I got home safe. Nothing happened fuck off.

You then immediately silenced the group chat so you wouldn’t have to deal with it. You looked at Kelce’s and cringed, letting your fingers move.

Yeah definitely got a hellish hungover. Thanks for keeping me from doing a keg stand like a dumbass last night btw? Idk what the fuck that was about. And nah, Rafe didn’t do anything. Even if he did you wouldn’t win that fight, Kelce, be so fr lol.

The response from him came quickly.

Ah, she lives. Well, you didn’t choke on your vomit so that’s good. And hurtful, I could definitely beat him.

You rolled your eyes.

Yeah, maybe if he were tied to a chair bro. But fr, thank you for helping me out. Thank Top too for me btw.

The response took longer this time. And was punctuated by an immediate follow-up.

Course. I’ll let him know. You’re still our friend. We weren’t gonna let you get that messed up.

You should talk to your boy though. Let him know you’re good. Pretty sure he’s worried about you.

You bit your lip. Instead of replying, you instead closed that text thread and looked back to the rest of your messages. But, you were thrown for a loop when you saw Rafe’s name appearing at the top, texting you just now. You weren’t proud of it, but you had to throw yourself from your bed and empty your stomach. You blamed the hangover, but you also knew that the anxiety of facing him after the night before was nerve-wracking enough to be the culprit alone.

Once you finally cleaned yourself up, you felt a bit more human again. Only then did you return to your phone. You stared at it for a few minutes before even daring to pick it up. Then, you stared at your background - still a picture of you and Rafe, one where his smile was so big from a laugh that it crinkled the corners of his eyes and you had buried your face in his neck while also laughing. You hated that you hadn’t changed it yet, but every single time you tried to, you couldn’t bring yourself to do it. You put the phone down again.

Sighing, you reached over and grabbed the water bottle he had left you. Then you noticed he’d also left out some meds for you to take. Not letting yourself think about it or the way it turned your stomach, you took the pills and drank the water completely before letting yourself even think about your phone again. At least that was the lie you spun yourself, ignoring the way that the stupid piece of technology wove through every thought and every damn breath you took.

In an effort to pretend like that wasn’t true, you walked down to your kitchen and got a Liquid I.V. knowing damn well that Rafe would be telling you to if he were here. And, yeah, even now, the little things he did to show he cared still stuck to your bones. You hated it. Or, at least you hated that he wasn’t actually here. Some days it was hard to tell which was true and which was the lie. You wanted him, you didn’t, you wanted him, you didn’t. You definitely did—that was the truth and you knew it.

Steeling yourself, you eventually went back upstairs and picked your phone back up. Clicking Rafe’s name, you were fully prepared to ignore whatever the message was like you knew you should if you were going to get over him. But somehow, you could feel the familiar love and affection punching you in the gut.

Take the pills I left. Drink some liquid iv or whatever if you have it. Don’t forget to eat.

You inhaled shakily, thinking if you should even respond or not, worrying at your lip and tapping your fingers anxiously against your knee. But, as you did, another text came through from him.

Lmk if you need anything.

Short, sweet, and to the point.

You, your brain supplied unhelpfully. I just fucking need you.

You thought about the night before. About the words he said. About the stark honesty in his voice that you hadn’t heard in months from him. You thought about the simple promise he made. He said that you could talk about it when you were sober if you still wanted to. Did you want to? Yes. So, before you could talk yourself out of it, you clicked his contact to call him and brought the phone to your ear.

“You okay?” were the words that Rafe greeted you with. Not hello. Just concern.

“I…yeah. I’m fine,” you said when your brain finally caught up with you again. “I…thanks for getting me home. You know, and everything else too,” You paused for a moment, finishing with, “You really didn’t have to do all that.”

“Of course I did,” Rafe said, sounding surprisingly serious. “I’d never leave you like that. Ever.”

“I’m sorry I was such a mess,” you said, reflexively apologizing. “And sorry I was like…pawing at you like some animal.”

Rafe let out a dry sort of chuckle that betrayed he was at least slightly amused by some of your antics the night prior. It made your heart flutter, which just felt utterly ridiculous. He made a noncommittal noise. “I just wanted to make sure you, you know, were good.”

“No. Seriously, I can’t imagine how much worse that would’ve gotten without you there. So really, uh, thanks. I was…not thinking last night obviously,” you said. There was a pregnant pause over the phone and you realized how that sounded. “I mean I, like, really don’t drink that much!” You were rushing to clarify, anxious to make sure that Rafe knew you didn’t mean your conversation with him. “I seriously don’t even know how much I drank. I’m lucky I didn’t, like, die in my sleep.”

“I’ve seen you worse,” he said flatly. “You’d have been fine.”

“That’s when I had you, though,” you pointed out before you could stop yourself. You heard Rafe inhale sharply, saying your name but you cut him off. “Did you mean what you said?”

Rafe paused. “What?” he asked cautiously.

“That we can actually talk,” you clarified.

“Are you not too hungover for this?” Rafe asked, sounding tired already.

“No,” you said bluntly. “I want to talk to you.” You huffed out a sigh. “Rafe, I need to talk to you.”

You heard him let out a sigh of his own. “Yeah,” he said. “I know.”

“I want to do it in person,” you said, willing to push your luck here. “I don’t want to do this on the phone. I want to see your face so I know if you’re lying to me.”

Rafe gave a similar sort of dry chuckle to before. “Have never lied to you, Princess, but sure. Fine. Today?” he asked shortly.

“Yes,” you agreed. “Today. I think waiting two months was long enough.” Rafe didn’t rise to the bait, which you were partially glad for and partially disappointed by. “How about we meet at the country club at like…six?”

“You want to do this in front of people?” Rafe asked, surprised.

“No. We’ll go down to the beach. Just easier to meet there,” you said vaguely.

The reality was the country club gave you a way to chicken out last minute that the beach didn’t. At the country club, you could hide in a bathroom. On the beach, unless you were planning on drowning yourself or burying yourself in the sand you were stuck with him.

“Okay, Gorgeous,” he said lazily, the nickname slipping easily from his tongue. “Do you want me to pick you up or…”

“I’m good,” you denied. “I’ll get there.”

“See you later then,” he said.

“Okay. See you,” you said, hurriedly hanging up before you said something stupid like I love you or just tell me now why you left me.

You spent the next few hours panicking about what you’d just done, torn between hating yourself for making that choice and being relieved that it was finally happening. You gave all of your friends in your group chat a short version of your plan. You were met with a mixture of approval and disapproval from everyone—mostly born of a desire to make sure that you were alright. They offered to come and do recon so you’d have an easy out, but you denied the need. Then, they offered to come and slash his truck tires, which you declined just like you had the first hundred times they’d offered over the past two months. After that, they settled and just insisted that you text them an update later to let them know what was going on. It was easy enough to agree to.

You make your way to the country club a little bit before six and were shocked to see Rafe already waiting there. He was sitting at the bar, knee bouncing with anxiety, tapping at an empty glass in front of him. His eyes met yours, and just for a moment, you froze in place. Slowly, you drifted over to his side and were pleasantly surprised to see that he appeared entirely sober.

“Hey,” he greeted when you found words hard to formulate.

“Hi, Rafe,” you replied after a few breaths.

He looked you up and down, an undercurrent of amusement passing through his eyes. “I’d ask if you want a drink but I have a feeling that you’d rather swallow a bucket of sand right now,” he said.

You nodded, grimacing. “Pretty much,” you confirmed. You glanced towards the door. “Wanna…go?”

God, how could this be so fucking awkward? you asked yourself. This was the man you fell in love with and knew like the back of your hand and still somehow this was wildly uncomfortable like you didn’t know each other at all.

Rafe nodded slowly, rising to his feet. He gestured for you to go first, eyes habitually roaming around the room. They landed on the guy who had been touching you the night before at the party, gross hand on your leg as if he had any form of claim to you. Rafe felt his blood boiling for a moment and had to resist the urge to go and pummel the guy’s face in. It was hard for him, at least until the guy looked over, noticing Rafe. Immediately, the creep paled to a near-ghostly white shade. Satisfied by the obvious fear, Rafe offered the guy a condescending smile, with a harsh edge to it, teeth set. He put his hand on the small of your back as you walked, guiding you forward and opening the door for you as he went. As he passed through, his eyes did not separate from the guy’s until you had exited. The message was clear, even though you hadn’t even noticed the interaction at all.

She is Rafe Cameron’s, she is not available.

As you started to walk down to the beach, almost immediately, Rafe began to feel guilty for thinking that. He’d already done enough to hurt you in his eyes. But, then again, he couldn’t deny the part of him that desperately did want a second chance to reach that famous happy end. The kind that he knew only you could give him. The kind that only came with you beside him. No, he couldn’t ignore that part of him. It made up most of him. And he knew that it made up most of you too. And that was the part that made him loathe himself all the more.

On and on down the beach the pair of you walked, alternating between a few feet and barely a few inches between you. The silence continued on until you realized you didn’t even know how to approach this conversation. You sighed, stopping in your trek, evidently having decided you were far enough from other people to have this conversation now. 

“I don’t know how to even start this,” you admitted quietly. “I miss you. I meant that. I meant everything I said last night except that I hate you. I don’t. I wish I could, sometimes. But I don’t. I love you. And…and last night you said that you loved me too, still.”

“I do,” he said, shrugging, then setting his jaw to shut himself up.

“Then why are we doing this? When we love each other and we both want to be together? Why?” you asked, the words simple but desperate.

“You’re better off without me,” Rafe said, staring at the horizon, refusing to look at you.

“I’m not,” you denied. “And you’re not better without me either. Don’t think I haven’t noticed that either.” He’d been spending an egregious amount of his time high or wasted since your break up and it was impossible not to notice. Rafe glanced down at you and then back out over the water. The sky above you was morphing from its crystalline blue to the golden hues that promised night was coming soon. “I think we’re past lying to ourselves about that, don’t you? Or at least we should be.”

“I know that I’m not. But you are,” he reiterated. “I’m…an absolute fuck up. And I am only going to drag you down. That is all that I will ever be good for. You may not get that now. But you will.” He sighed and looked over at you. “I’m trying to do the right thing here, Princess.”

“Well look at that, wrong as usual,” you muttered, shaking your head. “You’re not any of that! You’re not a fuck up. You’re not going to drag me down. You are…” You gesticulated wildly, trying to have your brain magically summon the words to describe how you felt. You settled for shaking your head and gesturing around you. “You’re like a…like a fucking beacon or something.”

Rafe snorted. “Fuck me, if you think I’m some sort of guiding light you’ve lost it, Princess,” he said sharply. “I’m literally the opposite of that. I don’t…I don’t help people. I just hurt them.” He gestured towards you. “Look at my family. Look at my friends. Dragged them all down. And…I mean, just look at you. How could you think that I’m anything good anymore?” He shook his head. “No, just…no. I’m not.”

You groaned. “Stop talking about yourself like you’re some hideous monster that has to hide in the dark,” you insisted, voice growing louder. “You’re not. You’re just a man! That’s it! A fucking stupid man, who I love more than anything…who I hate to see tearing himself apart like he does. An absolutely idiotic man who I miss so much it hurts to wake up in the morning.” You deflated, shoulders slumping, and this time you were the one looking out over the water while Rafe stared intently at you. “I’m not better off without you.” From the corner of your eye, you saw Rafe’s hand run over the bottom half of his face while he shook his head. You saw him bring his hand towards his lips and your head whipped over to look at him. “Don’t bite your damn nails, when was the last time you washed your hands? You’ve touched doors and railings! This is a public beach!”

It was like a bubble of tension cracked at that and Rafe laughed. Honest to God laughed. Laughed like you hadn’t heard in months from him. Laughed in a way that made your heart flutter and your lips turn up. The laugh kept going like he couldn’t stop it, and before you knew it you were chuckling yourself, which morphed into a hysterical laugh. You swatted at his arm in the midst of your laugh, but he caught your hand and held it. After a few moments longer, you both stared at each other, calming down. His easy smile and the crinkle of his eyes disappeared, replaced by a frown and concern.

“You…you should really find another guiding light if that’s what you’re looking for. A real beacon. Someone you can count on,” he said.

“Rafe,” you said seriously, taking a step closer to him. “Look at me.” He sighed but met your eyes. You squeezed your still-joined hands and he looked down as if he’d forgotten you were even touching. “You kept me from making myself look like an idiot last night. You got me home when I actively was trying to make it difficult. You held me until I fell asleep. You owed me nothing and you did that. I didn’t even have to ask you to, fuck I didn’t even want you to be there, but you knew what was good for me. And you left out water and pills and then texted me in the morning.” You let out a short, weak laugh. “I don’t think that I can count on someone else more than you.” He looked at you as if to say your name without having to actually speak it and you rolled your eyes. “Tell me something. How often do you get second chances in life?”

Rafe looked away, tongue running over his cheek, and then he looked back. “More than I deserve,” he said shortly.

Again, you rolled your eyes. “Stop being a self-sacrificial bitch for a second,” you said. He looked at you, scandalized and you had to resist the urge to laugh, soldiering on with your point. “Tell me, without the shit, how often you get second chances in life for something that you really want?” 

“I don’t,” Rafe said after a moment.

“And yet here I am. And I know that you still want to be together. And I am trying to give us a second chance. Why are you trying to refuse it?” you demanded.

“Because you actually are a fucking beacon of light,” he snapped, hand flexing like he was about to squeeze yours but stopped himself. “And I don’t want to…to fucking ruin that. I would never forgive myself if I ruined you. If I…made that fucking light go out? No, I’d never forgive myself. And I don’t want to risk you like that. Ever. And considering I’m this fucking black hole of bullshit…that is definitely risking it.”

His words resonated as if they were a tuning fork that struck and vibrated at the exact frequency of your very soul. He sighed and let go of your hand. In your shock, you let him. He moved away a few steps and paced back and forth. This time, when he brought his nails to his lips, you didn’t speak for a moment. You saw the glint of tears in his eyes and you didn’t know if they were from frustration or from sadness—both most likely.

Your brain caught up with you after a few moments of just staring at him. You walked forward and took his hand away from his mouth, moving your hands to rest behind his neck, forcing him to stop moving. Reflexively, his hands landed on your hips, holding you rather firmly to ground himself. You played with the ends of his hair, waiting for him to measure his breath once more and meet your eyes with his own.

“You’re not a black hole, idiot,” you said fondly. “You are not an irredeemable monster. You’re just scared.”

Rafe’s jaw clenched and he looked away, then back again. “I’m not fucking scared. But if I were, Princess? It’d be for good reason,” he said. “I have a lot to lose if I keep fucking up.”

“Everyone does,” you pointed out. You moved one hand to cup his cheek. “For now, if you think that I’m some mythical fucking beacon of light, then let me do it for both of us…be it.” He shook his head, blinking away tears he didn’t want to fall. “Rafe…I can handle you being stupid. I can handle your fuck ups. I have this long. What I can’t handle is losing you.” He was silent and you shrugged. “Look at me and tell me that if I walked away right now and started dating someone else you’d be okay with that.”

His eyes snapped back to you, visibly disturbed and angry. “Fuck no,” he admitted, practically spitting the words out.

“Exactly,” you said softly. His hands moved slowly to wrap around your waist more, no longer just resting on your waist. “I know that there are things we have to work on. Believe me. But we make sense. We work together. Let’s try again, Rafe.” You took a deep, shaky breath. “If you tell me you don’t love me. If you don’t want this…I’ll walk away. I won’t bring this up…won’t bother you again.”

“No,” Rafe said immediately, more firmly than even the last time. “I do love you, of course I fucking do. And yes I want you.” His voice almost immediately became choked up. “I want us. I just…”

“Are the words you’re looking for ‘am scared?’” you suggested.

“No,” he denied, using what was obviously his new favorite word once more. “Not scared. Just…hesitant to risk hurting you.”

You gave him a flat look. “Rafe, is loving me worth the risk of me hurting you?” you asked.

“Yes,” he said. “I don’t care if you hurt me.”

“So then why can I not feel the same way about you?” you demanded. “It’s worth the risk. So let’s take it.”

“You’re more important than me,” he murmured, leaning your foreheads together, initiating the touch he obviously desperately craved.

The noise that escaped you was somewhere between a scoff and a snort. “That’s the dumbest thing you have ever said to me,” you declared. “And you told me that for two years you didn’t believe that dinosaurs were real.”

Rafe laughed, weak but true and a sweet sound to your ears. As he did so, he pulled back just enough that your eyes were able to meet. “I was a child,” he defended, a tiny smile on his lips.

“You were twelve,” you corrected. “You started high school not believing that dinosaurs existed. You had to take an earth science class to realize that fossils were real.”

Turning his head, Rafe moved one of his hands to your face, holding your cheek, just like you were doing to him. “Can I kiss you to stop you from making fun of me again?” he asked softly, eyes darting down to your lips and then back up. “Or is it too soon to tell you to shut up without being an ass?”

You smirked. “Don’t worry. I know you’re an ass,” you said, leaning forward.

He met you halfway, your lips brushing together. The kiss was soft at first, sweet and featherlight as if trying to ascertain if it was really happening. That didn’t last for very long though. Quickly, Rafe’s grip on you tightened and he pulled you closer and deepened the kiss. You happily let him take the lead, letting your hands travel to the back of his neck again, longing to just sink into his embrace. When you broke apart, you both were breathing unevenly, looking at each other with vulnerable gazes.

“I missed you,” you said, voice strangely shy considering who you were talking to and how well you knew him—not to mention the fact that his tongue had been practically down your throat moments earlier.

“I love you,” Rafe said. He leaned forward and pressed a kiss to your forehead that lingered, then tipped your chin up to meet his gaze, his other hand keeping you pressed firmly to his body. “You gonna be my girl again, Gorgeous?”

Even though you rolled your eyes, your smile gave you away. “I never really stopped, did I?” you posed.

He hummed, half-frown on his face, and shrugged. “Dunno,” he admitted.

“I didn’t,” you said, wanting to wipe away the insecurity from him in one assurance even though you knew you couldn’t. “I never stopped. And, for the record, I love you too. Even though you’re a jackass.” You paused. “And a little bit on the stupid side.”

Rafe’s lips cracked back into a smile that grew into something far more relaxed. “Well that’s good to know,” he murmured. 

“You just have pretty privilege is all,” you murmured quietly, voice serious despite the words being joking. You looked at him as though you feared he might disappear. 

He stroked your cheek, wiping away a stray tear you hadn’t realized fell, and then reluctantly pulled away from you, forcing his hands into his pockets to keep from touching you. “We have a lot to talk about.”

“We do,” you confirmed. You offered him your hand. “Wanna go get something to eat and actually, you know, do that?”

Immediately, his hand was out of his pocket, and his fingers were laced with yours. “Yeah, Princess, I do,” he agreed. “Let’s go before it gets dark.”

“How could it get dark when I shine so bright as our beacon?” you asked, teasing, grabbing his arm with your free hand and squeezing it in a half-hug.

“Jesus Christ you’re lucky that you’re so damn easy to love,” Rafe said laughing. He pulled you closer, letting go of your hand in favor of throwing his arm over your shoulder. He pressed a kiss to your temple, lips lingering, his voice going serious this time. “I love you.”

“I know you do,” you assured him. “I love you too.” He nodded, still not moving away yet. “Come on, Cameron. Let’s get a move on here. You’ll be thrilled to know that I didn’t listen to you and drink or eat much of anything today, so I am desperately in need of water or something.”

Rafe groaned. “Of course you didn’t,” he said dryly. “Come on, can’t let my girl stay dehydrated or hungry.”

With that, he started pulling you back up the beach towards the country club. And, in the back of your mind, even with the lingering uncertainty and unsaid words, you felt better than you had in what felt like an eternity. You stared at Rafe’s face—your Rafe, your stupid, sweet, annoying, perfect boyfriend—as the golden hour’s light hit him. The angelic glow that it cast on his infuriatingly perfect face was always breathtaking. But, something about him at this moment, after being so vulnerable and honest, struck you differently. You took your phone out and snapped a picture of him before he could notice or refuse and smiled down at it, ignoring the delayed groan when Rafe realized you’d already captured it.

“Come on, Gorgeous,” he complained.

“Sorry, I just had to capture the day Rafe Cameron admitted he was wrong. It’s a historical event,” you said, grinning, sending the picture to your friend before turning the phone off wanting to focus only on him.

He rolled his eyes at the jab, but you were pleased to see the way that his lips twitched up in an amused smile. The sight lightened your heart and made your lips stretch into a wider version of your own smile you’d already been sporting. And in the slowly fading light of day, there were only two things that you were certain of.

Rafe didn’t give himself nearly enough credit.

You weren’t going to make the same mistake as him.

Taglist: @joselyn001 @caughtinthetides @proactivetypaperson @abbybarnesstuff @hotch-meeeeeuppppp @fangirlfree @antagonize-me-motherfucker

[heliza24]

I'm kind of confused about how you feel about Lydia, I didn't think there was anything negative about the portrayal. You say she was just there for a lore dump but the way I see it, she was talking about her own life, an adventure she'd been on before. I didn't see it as dismissing her as a character

The short answer is that there isn’t anything hugely wrong with that scene. But because it’s the only real scene we’ve gotten with her so far, and because she is the most developed physically disabled character in all of D20, it is not enough.

To expand on that: Sure, she was telling the Bad Kids about her life and her previous adventures. But let’s think about why she was doing that in that moment. She was there because the Bad Kids needed to know more about her embedded crystal/metaphorical chronic illness in order to solve their own personal mysteries. She is a (very) supporting character in their narrative. We don’t get to see her go on a character arc, or change, or learn more about her desires as a character. Her disability story, which is very interesting, is in the show only because it serves the story needs of the nondisabled PCs.

Now of course all stories need supporting characters/npcs, and I am happy some of them are disabled. The problem arises when there has never been a physically disabled PC in Dimension 20. So the only disability narrative we see is in service of nondisabled characters. The problem is not Lydia; the problem is that she is alone.

You might recognize this problem with other media and other marginalized groups. To use a kind of simple example, I spent a lot of my childhood frustrated that the only women seemingly allowed in fantasy or action movies were the romantic interests of male protagonists. These love interests existed to serve the story of their male counterpart (often by dying dramatically and sending the male protagonist on some kind of revenge quest). There are still plenty of movies and shows that follow these tropes, but it bothers me way less now in 2024 because we also have a ton of tv and movies with complex female protagonists. The abundance of representation is what has changed.

I think this problem is extra clear on Dimension 20 because they have gotten SO many chances to center a disabled narrative and have not. They get up to six protagonists every season, which is way more than most tv or movies get.

Compared to a lot of other pieces of media that try to add in disabled characters, Dimension 20 is doing a good job with Lydia. They haven’t hired a nondisabled actor to play her (super common in tv and movies unfortunately) and they’ve clearly worked with consultants on her. I really like, for instance, that her persistence with the crystal prevents her being magically cured, which is one of my least favorite tropes. However, there is a huge trend in Hollywood of hiring disabled consultants when they want to tell a disabled story but never actually hiring a disabled writer for a full time, credited writing gig in a writers room. The players on D20 are the writing room. Why has a disabled person never been invited there?

Imagine, for a second, that we got a Fantasy High prequel season. All the adults we know in Fantasy High are teens, and they’re PCs. Imagine a really talented performer, who uses a wheelchair, playing Lydia. Imagine the emotional scenes we would see! Imagine the insight into her psyche we would get, the way her relationship to the Crystal would be developed. That’s what the scene with Lydia in Junior Year made me long for.

(I do have some frustration about the way Kristen reacted to Lydia, and the way that fandom reacted to Kristen. I did find Kristen offering empathy to Lydia in the form of the help action sweet, but being nice to a disabled person doesn’t deserve outsized praise, because we are not objects of pity. I also think the way that Kristen touched Lydia’s neck without permission is reminiscent of the way many wheelchair users are touched and pushed without permission, which is very violating. I don’t think Kristen would have had that same reaction to Sandra Lynn, for instance. Kristen is really Going Through It right now, so I’m not particularly mad at her for doing that. But it is irritating to see fandom singing the praises of the help action without acknowledging the touching without consent that followed).

Thank you for the question! I appreciate the opportunity to have a dialogue about this.

[taleofturtleclan]

MOON 7

Spindlepaw trotted towards the adults den that most of the survivors shared, a spring in her step. It felt good to be up early, before the camp was bustling with activity. The air felt fresher, somehow, at this early hour. Usually, Foam was the one to come and wake her up, but today she had beaten him to it. He liked to begin her training early so that they could finish early enough to return to camp and bask in the warmth of the Leaf-fall sun before it fell too far. She enjoyed the early finish to training, but the early start had been difficult to get used to. A little thrill went through her at being the one to prod Foam awake this morning. See how he liked a paw in the side. 

Spindlepaw slid around the striped, granite boulder that shielded most of the entrance. She loved the rough texture of the rock on her thin fur, and she shivered with pleasure as she felt a knot in her fur tug free at the sensation. 

As her eyes adjusted to the dark of the den, Spindlepaw felt her gaze pulled to the opposite face of the striped boulder, where she knew a few dried, clay paw prints were scattered. The survivors had started calling this rock the Passage Boulder- every cat that graduated to full adult status in the group left their pawprint on the inner face when they moved into this den. One day soon, her pawprint would join the others on the mighty rock. She knew just where she would put it, too- right next to Currentheart’s mark. 

Spindlepaw pulled her eyes away from the Passage Boulder. She wouldn’t ever get to leave her mark there if she didn’t complete her training, first, and that started with waking Foam. She didn’t have to search far for her mentor. He made his nest near the entrance of the den, his large body blocking most of the wind and rain for the other cats further inside.

 Spindle raised a paw to give Foam a wicked jab in his side, and froze as a sour scent hit the roof of her mouth. Something was wrong. She narrowed her eyes, peering closer at her mentor’s sleeping form. The brown and white tabby’s fur was unkempt, sticking up at odd angles. Even without the strange scent, that would have been enough for Spindlepaw to know that something was wrong. Foam’s fur was never a mess. He took great pride in keeping his long fur well groomed and sleek, combing out any tangles from the day before he went to sleep.

“Foam?” Spindlepaw’s quiet mew trembled a little at the end. What was going on?

The brown and white heap of fur shifted, and Foam’s head appeared from over his shoulder, eyes dull. “Spindlepaw,” he rasped, “I’ll be–” his words broke off into a coughing fit. “I’ll be out soon,” he gasped when the fit finally ended. “I just need a moment.”

Spindlepaw felt the fur on her tail starting to bush. Her mentor was clearly unwell. “Foam, are you alright?” 

“I’m fine,” he coughed, “I just didn’t sleep well last night, that’s–” another coughing fit cut him off.

Spindlepaw’s ears pinned back, her eyes growing wide as she drew away from the clearly sick cat. “I’m going to get Dustjump,” she meowed firmly.

“I don’t need Dustjump, I’m feeling fine–”

“What’s going on here?” Tidechaser’s deep mew cut into the conversation. “Can’t you two take this outside? You’re going to wake the whole den.”

“I think Foam is sick,” Spindlepaw meowed frantically. 

The large tom leaned over from his nest to sniff at Foam’s pelt. He recoiled with a hiss. “I smell greencough!” he growled. 

“Greencough? Is-is that bad?” Spindlepaw meowed. But she didn’t need an answer. The expression on Tidechaser’s face told her all she needed to know

“Fetch Dustjump. Now.”

Spindlepaw took off across camp without another word.

Spindlepaw paced back and forth outside of Dustjump’s den. As soon as she’d seen Foam, the old tabby molly had enlisted Tidechaser’s help in moving the sick cat into her den, away from the rest of the healthy cats. When Spindle had tried to follow them in, Tidechaser had barred her way.

“Stay back,” the pale tom had growled. “You can’t help here.”

Spindlepaw had wanted to protest, wanted to tell Tidechaser that he was her mentor, that she should be in there with him, but she knew that the tom would never be swayed by her pleas. Besides, a small voice in her mind whispered, he’s right. And so she paced, waiting for news of her mentor’s health. 

When Dustjump finally emerged from the den, Spindlepaw was on her in a heartbeat. “How is he? Is he going to be alright?”

Dustjump’s eyes were dark with worry. “I don’t know, Spindlepaw,” she admitted. “It’s very early in the season for greencough, but that’s what he has. It can be fatal if it isn’t treated.”

“But you can treat him, right?” Spindlepaw heard her voice crack with fear. She couldn’t lose Foam, not now. He was the cat that had saved her from the sinking ship, the cat that had taught her everything she knew, the cat who represented everything Spindlepaw hoped to someday be. 

“With the right herbs,” Dustjump meowed carefully, “I can help him along the path to recovery. But nothing is certain.” 

It wasn’t a promise, but it would have to do. Spindlepaw steeled herself, forcing her fur to lay flat. Foam had saved her life, once. Now it was her turn to save his. “Then what are we waiting for?” she meowed firmly. “Let’s go find some herbs.”

[missdreamgirl32]

“So�� what did you do this time?” Little Leo drawled as Donnie led him through the narrow, twisting tunnels of their base. Leo (Big Leo? Leonardo?) really should’ve been the one on this little errand but even with only a handful of people to lead there were always a dozen things pulling at his attention for any mission, so Donnie had volunteered to handle this.

—

“Your leg still bothering you, kid?” Leonardo asked, noticing how Leo grimaced as the group moved up the stairs

“Uh, it’s nothing. I’ll be fine.” The kid replied

“Hmm, you know I should have some pain killers squirreled away in my room if you—“

“It’s fine I said.”

“Leo.” Leonardo said “You are the lynchpin for this entire operation. We’re gonna be in a lot of trouble if you can’t keep up. Take the damn ibuprofen.”

“O-Okay...”

“What makes you think I did anything?”

He didn’t have to look back to know exactly what kind of look the kid was shooting his way.

“I’d have thought future me would be glad for the back up when you showed up, but he’s ticked. You guys got in some sort of fight, right? Naturally, I can’t assume he did anything wrong. So… what did you do?”

Behind his monitors, 24 years apart, Donnie stiffened.

“You know, I think he’s still a little touchy about that time I hid my terminal illness from everyone for months on end in my most brazen act of hubris to date.”

“Oh don’t worry about it, he’s just been stressed since I abandoned him and Mikey with a full 84% of defense, security, and technical protocols depending on me.”

“Well, gee, kid. Now that you mention it, he’s pissed at me because I fucking died.”

He was very glad the robot body couldn’t reflect his body language. He’d always been an open book where his twin was concerned. And the fact he’d even realized something was up when Leonardo had played off the whole confrontation the moment the kids appeared proved it wasn’t limited to the version of him he knew. An idiot, his brother may be. A simpleton, a blockhead, a moron, and, of course, a dum-dumb. But the years kept forcing him to acknowledge that, despite all of that being completely and indisputably true, he was not a fool.

“Hey look we’ve conveniently arrived! We’ll continue this conversation never!”

“Hmp. Fine, be like that.” Little Leo huffed.

They’d redecorated since the last time Donnie’d seen the place. For nearly his whole adult life Leonardo had always kept his room surprisingly neat. The bed wasn’t always made and dust bunnies abounded but everything had it’s place and the floors were clear for Donnie's cleaning bots. Now the place looked like a tornado had torn through it. Blankets and cups and random papers were strewed all over the place. Seemed Mikey had moved in at some point. His futon was thrown into one corner and his meditation candles, which he’d always been crap about cleaning up, left wax drippings all over the place. New doodles adorned all the walls but one, which was covered in a wide sprawl of photos. There was a prominent emptiness in the middle, where it seemed one had been ripped down.

Donnie found himself staring at that collection. April, tearing into some lieutenant who was stupid enough to think he knew better than THE Commander O'Neil. Hand on hip, done with his shit. Mikey, tying up his hair. Was that before some battle? He’s indoors so Donnie’s not sure. Raph, taking a selfie with Leo prominently in the background, toothbrush dangling out of his mouth as he notices what Raph is up to. That had been part of some game they’d kept at for months. It was quite a lot like what he’d kept in his lab. Random, mundane moments that didn't mean a thing to live, but everything to have preserved.

Leo clearly didn’t think much of a messy bedroom (and why would he?) and went right to work. Haphazardly tossing around piles of bedding and pawing through Leonardo’s trunk.

“Um, are you sure you want to be rooting around in Leonardo’s stuff like that?”

Little Leo snorted “Please, he knows where I’ve been.”

“Do you know where he—oh forget it. It’s your funeral, kid.”

Leo pulled out a wet stone and dropped it back just as quick. Not finding what he was looking for there he glanced around the small room for potential hiding places. “Where—Ah!” He tripped over something hidden by a sheet he’d just thrown that way and had to throw a hand on the wall to steady himself. A hand which just so happened to land on the hidden DNA scanner Donnie had built into the wall.

The elder turtle sighed as he heard the safe open on the far wall “Just don’t come crying to me when you find something you didn’t… wanna…see…” his voice trailed off as he saw what his brother had hidden in the most secure place in the most secure wing of the most secure base in the entire world.

There was Donnie’s Battle Shell, mock 117, made of Donnietium (tm) a custom alloy he had engineered and produced himself, in his favorite shade of Plutonium Plum (tm). His most ingenious design to date, with it’s plutonium core allow for access to pocket dimensions for ample storage of his extra limbs, weapons, medical supplies, and anything else they might need. Provided they could actually find what they needed, of course. It was mounted on the wall, surrounded by pictures and melted candles and even some of Mikey’s incense, right next to Raph’s.

This was a memorial. This was his memorial.

And suddenly it hits Donnie like a freight train that not only did he die but he was mourned.

He remembers all too well those first days after they’d lost Raph. The second time. The great cosmic injustice that they could tear through the veil of life and death itself and shove their oldest brother in a robot body, only to lose him to the same goddamn heroic bullshit all over again! Mikey started talking in chirps and hisses for a week, too mad to put the extra thought into forming words like a human. Casey Jr. kept asking for “Waph”, wanting his climbing practice, he was too young to understand what had happened and no one wanted to be the one to explain it to him. In hindsight, he doesn’t think anyone ever did. April was exhausting herself to the point of collapse, taking on even more responsibility so she could cover their asses. Mourning periods were a luxury few had when you were living in the apocalypse.

Leo got it the worst. Of course he did, he’d been with Raph when he decided his safe return was optional. Dumbass. Donnie remembers after he’d returned to their base alone. The way he’d just kind of curled up somewhere inside himself. While Mikey raged and Casey Jr. wandered and April worked Leo would just stare into the distance for hours and hours. He was the one who dragged him out of bed and watched him lift a spoon to his mouth every now and again and put on one of their hard-won remaining copies of some Jupiter Jim movie to pass the time. Sometimes Donnie would catch him suddenly flinch upright in his chair, like he’d just realized where he was. Then, all at once, he just… stopped. Donnie found his bed empty and tore through the base until he found him leading a meeting about scout positions, everyone politely ignoring April passed out on the desk. Mikey got a hold of himself not long after and Donnie did his best never to think about that those awful ever again. But he remembered all right.

“Oh, Leo…” he breathes, low and long and sad.

And then he notices the other breathing in the room. Too fast, too shallow, ragged and harsh. Its owner half hunched in on himself, his hands shaking, eyes wide with fear.

“Leo!” He darts forward, placing himself between him and the memorial but his eyes remain glued on the shells behind him. Seeing his face directly, it’s obvious the kid’s on the verge of a panic attack. Shit. Shit! He’s never been good at this kind of thing. If there was ever a time he needed Mikey or—or literally anyone else.

“Hey, hey, don’t look at that okay? Look at me, Leo. Look at me.”

“You’re not here.” Leo rasped, barely audible through Donnie’s headset. He hunched over further, catching his head in his hands, as if he were in pain.

“I—Yes, that is… accurate. But I—I am. I am here. Leo—“

“No. No you’re not.” The poor kid insisted tears welling up quickly in his eyes. He sat down heavily, his breathing too laborious for standing any longer. “You’re VRing into the apocalypse because they wouldn’t let you come. Because they can’t let you near the Krang again. Because they already k— they killed you, Donnie!”

He can fix this. He can fix this. He can totally fix this! His old motto chanted in his head

How is he supposed to fix this?

“…I’m sorry? It’s not like I wanted to.” Feeling incredibly silly, he directs the robot to reach for Leo shell. Stroking down in long swipes that may translate as ‘soothing’ or ‘invasive’ depending. Leo reacts by hugging his knees, which could mean either. For fucks sake Donnie has reverse engineered advanced alien bio-technology in minutes and he has never been as out of his depth as he was when faced with a crying child.

“I… if it’s any consolation they killed you too.”

Leo laughed at him for that, wet and hysterical and awful. “Why would that—“ but he didn’t have the air to yell at him, so instead he just buried his face in his knees. After a moment, Donnie thought he heard something like “…you suck…” drifting up from his little refuge.

“…Yeah.” The word tasted like vinegar in his mouth and yet seemed to drift out of him of its own accord. “I never really got any better at… all this messy feeling stuff. Whenever things got too much for me to deal with I always found some way out. Left it to Mikey or April or, well, you. And you guys deserve better than that I…I am sorry, Leo.”

The kid was quiet for a while, his breathing sounded more stable, then he raised his head but pointedly did not look at Donnie (or, perhaps more accurately, the robot he was piloting) “You never change, do you Don?”

“Oh, gross. You really think so?” He said in response to quite possibly the meanest thing Leo had ever said to him (he’d have to consult his archives) “I mean, full offense to that prototype you run around with but that guy is a mess. Insecure, self-centered, petty. Like the guy is one bad break up away from nuclear genesis.”

“Hey.”

“As a completely random idea off the top of my head that has no bearing in my lived experience.”

Leo smiled at that. A good sign that he had gotten a hold of himself. Then he took a very big, deep breath, said “Okay.” And stood himself up.

It was something Donnie had seen his brother do dozens of times over the course of their war with the Krang. They’d be in some crisis, be it a surprise attach from the enemy, an epidemic outbreak, or the death of yet another loved one. The pressure would build and build, years of stress and trauma and fear and exhaustion catching up with them. And then Leo would do that. Take a big, deep breath, pack away the parts of him too distressed and emotional and messy for a crisis, neatly and with frightening efficiency, and then he’d tell them all what their next move was.

The kid looks five years older somehow as he helps the robot to its feet. A glimpse at the man Donnie loves but he never should’ve had to become “Oh, hey.” He says amicably as he swipes up the bottle of ibuprofen from where it had laid on the floor.

“Come on, let’s get out of here.” And he took off through the door without another glance back.

Donnie doesn’t remember him being so good at it this young. It worries him. “O-Okay.”

Part 10!

…there’s….there’s some very showy scenes coming up…can you tell ahahah

Part 1 Next

[brothermoth]

when misogyny becomes feminist: (please actually read what I say don't just be reactionary)

"Radical Feminism" is misogyny.

Full fucking stop: it is misogyny to claim women cannot and do not perpetuate harm. It's so deeply fucking misogynistic that it's pathetic when they can't understand that they're the same as the people who thought women couldn't ride trains because their uterus would fly out.

It's a thing called agency that is very very important. When you remove harmful people from a group and pretend everyone must be perfect to be worthy of human rights, you strip them of their agency.

I've been horribly abused by a number of women in my life. It will never excuse me turning around and hating all women. They're people. Men are people. Terfs are people! They deserve to be safe and have bodily autonomy just like everyone else. They're still fucking assholes though! (CRUELTY IS NOT FUCKING ACTIVISM).

Women are capable of rape (it happens around the same frequency, actually. It's not considered assault because of misogyny). It's misogyny to deny women the ability to be harmful. Radical "feminists" you are stripping women of the ability to be a fucking human being.

Women can enjoy sex! Anti BDSM people, you are dehumanizing grown adult women. You are stripping them of their agency as human beings. They are not a shivering oppressed huddle to be protected like a child in a video game, they're PEOPLE. If she enthusiastically consents, that is all that matters.

You are being preyed on. You're a blunt object used to bash progress over the skull until it's quiet.

There was a man named Marcus Garvey who stood up and said that black people needed to be free of oppression. He was absolutely right in saying this. But then he turned and said "we need to go back to Africa", and he said that African Americans are simply better than those currently living in Africa. Because clearly they're more civilized.

That is racism from inside the house. It is a cruel man taking hurt, downtrodden people and using them to beat down others who have not done anything wrong.

Girls, that's YOU. You're absolutely facing a world that is much harder for you than for others, and you have every right to be upset.

It doesn't mean what you're doing is right. It's not right. No, men should not have mandatory vasectomies. Women's rights do not ever have to come at the cost of others'. Nobody's human rights should EVER come at the cost of anothers'.

Radical feminism is an ideological cousin of Zionism. Jewish people have been through so much for so long, and so have women. It doesn't mean they need a fucking theocracy. They deserve to be safe in whatever fucking country they live in. Women don't need to be a separate species from men, they need to be safe where they are.

Radical feminism is not radical. You're not saying anything that hasn't been said already. It's lazy. It's defeatist. It is a movement without a spine or a backbone, but its covered in sharp thorns to keep everyone away, even hands trying to pick weeds.

How do you find equality in a society that does not want you to?

You fucking work for it. We're not in the end times, we're a blip on a timeline bigger than we can imagine. This thing you are fighting is not inherent to men or women, it's a consequence of European ideas (it kinda started with Greece, in my opinion, because Rome ran with it and then Christianity cemented it).

It sounds ridiculous but you know what? Activism is emotional labor. No, you don't owe it to anyone, but if you want change you fucking do it. You teach your sons kindness. You teach them to stand up for girls. If you want change men MUST be included in discussions. I'm sorry if it sounds like a "not all men" moment but it's true. You NEED people in a privileged class to be included. You NEED that change from INSIDE the house. Every successful movement must lean on their allies because oppressed people are OPPRESSED! It shouldn't be that way, but oppressed groups do not have the power alone to make change.

----

I started this more angry but I've set it to the side and come back a couple times to edit some of the angry parts out because it's not what I really want to say.

----

[recalcitrantlycaffeinated]

Let me tell you a fucking STORY

This is a long-ass story but it’s maybe the most insane thing that I can remember happening to me.

Once upon a time, as a homeschooled high schooler, I was a part of my church youth group.  On a lock-in retreat, a neighboring youth group leader came in to run the most batshit insane icebreaker that has ever been icebroke.*

I had never met this youth group leader (let’s call him Matthew) before, so when he said he needed ten volunteers, it didn’t immediately send off alarm bells in my head.  His own youth group members had volunteered willingly, so when my youth group leader (her name doesn’t matter) volunteered me when there weren’t enough enthusiastic guinea pigs, I just went along with it.

Matthew, possibly the most chaotic evil individual ever to be put in charge of youths, who presumably took this job solely in order to cause suffering in children to an extreme degree, informed us that the game was called “Kiss the Fish”.

Not one of us raised our hand or stepped forward to say, “Excuse me, what the FUCK?”  None of us said, “I’m out.”  We were high schoolers.  We were sheep.

Even when Matthew pulled a very real dead fish out of a cooler he’d brought an hour and a half from his city, and informed us that nine out of the ten of us were literally going to have to kiss this slimy wet cold being, nine out of ten of us kept our thoughts of “like HELL I am” to ourselves or resorted to quietly whining to one another.  (One girl very logically pointed out to the adults that she was deathly allergic to fish, but some brave soul had to step in to take her place in order to satiate Matthew’s desire for human suffering.)

Thus began the worst game of Hot Potato I have ever taken part in in my life.  Every time someone was eliminated, by being caught holding the fish when the music stopped, they were forced to kiss the fish before being ousted.  Everyone else in the audience, and still in the game, as well as all of the adults present, was told to chant “KISS THE FISH! KISS THE FISH! KISS THE FISH!” until the hapless loser gave into the overwhelming peer pressure and planted one on the smelly aquatic corpse.

Now, you may be saying at this point, “hey, Robyn, you’ve worked with teenagers for a church before.  Can’t you see where this is going?  This is clearly all just a plot put together by the tricksy adults, who were trying to teach you about the evils of peer pressure and the courage it takes to be the smart person who says no to a situation that’s obviously akin to jumping off a cliff because your friends are doing it!  The adults were hoping that one of you would say no and refuse to kiss the fish, or at the very least, they were planning at the end of the game to turn the whole thing into a stern lesson!”

Well, stranger, you would be 100% wrong.  Not only were all of the adults committed to putting the pressure on us to do something we were clearly uncomfortable with...partway through, they legitimately went full Jigsaw and decreed that the person who came in second place would need to french kiss the dead fish.  They did not see anything wrong with any of this.  If one of us had pointed out that this was exactly the type of situation adults normally told us to avoid, they would probably have called that person a pussy and dunked their head in a toilet.  The grown-ups had gone straight insane.

Now here are some things you need to understand:

I hate peer pressure.  I have always been pretty fucking immune to peer pressure, going all the way back to childhood, where I refused to play parachute with the other toddlers because I wasn’t into it, and boycotted the Farmer in the Dell because I didn’t want to take the chance of becoming the cheese.  In 99.9% of my life, put in this position, I would have laughed in the adult overlord’s face and said no and walked away.  You could have chanted “KISS THE FISH” at me for three hours straight and the closest I would have gotten was maybe accepting the fish and then spiking it into the ground or yeeting it into some adult’s face.  

However, unfortunately for the drama of this story, I had an ENORMOUS crush on one of the guys who had also ended up in the Doomed Ten.  There was a much-less-than-zero part of my brain that thought secondhand kissing him via a fish was...worth it?  Let me once again remind you I was in high school and thus had a lot of learning still to do.

I’m not saying EVERYONE in the Doomed Ten had never kissed a person before, but the fact that we were all Catholics lame enough to go to youth group meant that for probably a majority of these people, kissing the fish was the closest they had gotten up to this point to a real kiss.  I can almost guarantee that none of us had even considered french kissing a person, so the idea that whoever came in second place would have to french kiss a fish was not only insane, but probably counted as some kind of emotional cruelty on the part of the adults.

The fish was sharp.  It had teeth.  My hands were bleeding because of this fish and its teeth.  What kind of monster was Matthew to suggest that some teenager french kiss the demon fish??????  Did he not realize he would be liable for the inevitable damage this would cause??  Was he planning on skipping town right afterward to become a youth group leader somewhere else so he could execute this scheme again?  Was he planning on keeping the bloody fish as some kind of trophy?  I have a lot of questions.

It eventually came down to me and one of the boys from Matthew’s youth group; the kind soul who had stepped up to play in the allergic girl’s stead (possibly because he was a BOSS at Hot Potato?).  Matthew was in charge of turning the music on and off, and his back was not turned, so he deliberately waited until a moment when the fish was on its way through the air to me before turning the music off.  I did not catch the fish.  The fish fell to the ground with an incredible squelching sound.  There was clear discomfort in the group of teenagers, who, when it came down to it, really didn’t want to see a homeschooled girl lose her tongue to a dead fish.  Matthew, on the other hand, was downright gleeful, and asked, “Who wants to see Robyn french the fish?”

I wasn’t going to french kiss a fish, even if my crush HAD kissed it earlier.  Thankfully, our gallant winner prevented me from having to publicly defy authority by snatching up the fish himself and yelling, “WHO WANTS TO SEE MATTHEW FRENCH THE FISH??” and chasing him with it.

There was no lesson.  None of the adults tried to tell us peer pressure was bad and they were just pretending to see how we would react.  All of them remarked on what a fun icebreaker this was.  Eight teenagers were pressured into kissing a dead fish against their will, and I needed first aid to treat my bleeding fingers.

HOW WAS THIS REAL LIFE.

*If you have ever played this game, it will blow my fucking mind, because I can’t believe that an actual adult ever suggested this even once, let alone multiple adults thinking this is a good idea.  

[twinkleimagines]

frenemies

summary: You catch feelings for your nemesis Rafe Cameron and notice his change of how he started interacting with you, so you begin and hoping he feels the same, so you decide to take the risk to confront him and see what his true intentions are.

5.5k words

LONG!

Part two, part 3 , part four (final)

Warning: Language, smut, physical and verbal fighting.

Rafe Cameron.

The most loved and also the most hated Kook in the OBX.

You and your pogue friends despised this guy, or at least you were suppose to.

But for some reason, between all the bickering you two had done over the summer, you've managed to fall for him.

I know- what the fuck.

It blew your mind too. He was never nice. Always making fun of the Pogues, practically humiliating you all every chance he got. You guys were nothing but broke thieves who took whatever you wanted no matter who it hurt. You guys were scum, the dirt on the bottom of his shoe, a bunch of nobody's that will never make it anywhere in life.

Which is obviously not true, but to Rafe - that's what you ‘dirty Pogues’ were.

You didn’t care for the name calling though. You honestly could say the same thing about the Kooks. They cheat their way into life, never have to work for anything , always have mommy and daddy's money to get them through any obstacle. But you knew not all Kooks were like that. Take your best friend Kiara for example. She's a 'kook' by the book, but by the streets she’s a Full Pogue at heart.

but for some reason though, Rafe would spend most his time trying to find a way to harass the shit out of you specifically. He could have a million Pogues around him yet he always found his way through the crowd to have some conversation with you even if it was to drag your name through the mud.

You first realized the feelings you had for Rafe when you began craving his presence.

It was the annual bonfire that you and your friends had went to , a place where all teens and young adults mixed from all clicks. Tourists, Pogues, and even Kooks. Everyone was there.

You stood next to the fire with JJ and Pope, two of your closest friends as the night grew louder, more people filling in. You watched the crowds as the piled up on the sand, but your eyes roamed for Rafe himself. You were almost mad at yourself for actively searching for him. And it wasn’t even like you were looking for him so you could avoid him, but searching so you could see him and hopefully grab his attention.

You continuously questioned yourself as to Why you were looking for this jerk off to begin with. All he was going to do was put you down and try to humiliate you in front of all of your friends.

But for some reason, when your eyes landed on that tall brown headed boy, his hair for once not greased back, a wide grin on his face as he wore a black t-shirt and a red cup in his hand- your heart fluttered. You began to grin slightly, seeing him in the distance.

Despite how much of an ass hole he was, Rafe was unbelievably hot. He was toned, Tall, jaw line so sharp it could probably cut you and you could get lost in those blue eyes of his. It excited you so much when he would give you attention. Even the negative attention. At this point you just enjoyed looking at him and hearing your name flow out of his mouth.

"earth to Y/n" JJ spoke out stepping out in front of you blocking your view to Rafe, and ultimately bringing you out of your trance.

“huh” you responded dumbfounded .

“Pope thinks I’m stupid for eating food with mold on it” JJ said throwing his hands up, you grin as you watched the blonde boy try to seriously defend his theory. Pope’s eyes widened throwing his hands up as well, looking towards you for agreement.

“It’s a Fungi bro! nothing good comes from Eating mold!” Pope argued back. JJ shook his head, disagreeing with Pope’s statement .

“dude, mold is good for you ok it’s just a natural organism “ He stated, dropping his hands down to his sides.

“You’re fucking nasty” You laughed out before pushing onto JJ’s shoulder. You hadn’t realized it yet, but your laugh caught a certain boy’s attention. the moment Rafe heard that familiar tune, his head turned to your direction, his eyes focused on you as you threw your head back with laughter.

“Well well well if it isn’t Ms. Sarah Cameron “ JJ spoke as he walked up towards one of your best friend, John B, and Rafe’s younger sister, Sarah. They both looked in your direction taking a few steps away from each other as if it wasn’t obvious that they were talking.

You didn’t hate Sarah per-say, but one time she did make out with your ex boyfriend while at a party. She claimed he told her he was single and she was just looking for a good night but Sarah was known for always wanting attention so you were doubtful on the fact that she was ‘unaware’ that he was your boyfriend.

You were the only one who knew John B’s crush on Sarah. He had started working for her father after his father went missing, and you were the only one who had caught on to his different approach when Sarah was ever mentioned, or how his cheeks would go slightly red when she would walk by. You didn’t blame him, the Cameron siblings were fucking hot.

“Hi JJ’ Sarah said with a grin. You stood to the side of Pope, looking around for Kiara, only to find her sat with a group of more Pogues talking their heads off.

JJ began trying to include Sarah into his previous ‘mold is good for you’ argument while your focus drifted off, your eyes roaming the crowd once again.

You managed to look back over to where you had first saw Rafe standing, only this time he was no where to be found.

“sarah baby c’mon” you heard someone say. You looked over, Your eyes widening to see Rafe and Topper standing in front of you next to Sarah. You knew this wasn’t a group that needed to be mixed, but seeing Rafe excited you. Your eyes landed on his, your heart beginning to flutter. You hated the fact that you two were enemies. It sucked looking at someone the way you did, knowing they were only looking back at you with hatred and pure disgust. At least you thought.

“Oh c’mon Topper can’t the girl just have a little fun?” JJ laughed out, his alcohol clearly running through his veins.

“You Pogues don’t know the meaning of fun JJ” Topper laughed out. You rolled your eyes shaking your head.

“Go the fuck on Topper “ you spat out, your eyes lifting some towards Rafe before going back to Topper. You could feel yourself kicking up a sweat, maybe from the alcohol , or maybe from the fact that Rafe’s eyes were already on yours when you looked at him. He even had a smirk plastered on his face, probably from the fact he gets off on the fighting.

“Oooohhh someone’s ballsy tonight huh?” Topper laughed bringing the attention to you.

“No im just sick and tired of you stuck up kooks always trying to ruin a good time” You scoffed out, crossing your arms over chest.

“Y/n you wouldn’t know the meaning of a good time if it slapped you in the face alright?” Rafe said. He furrowed his brows together when he realized a smirk rising on your face once you looked over at him. He didn’t know what to think considering the other times you were giving him an ‘ eat shit ‘ look, but this time it was almost as if you were happy he was commenting towards you.

“Oh right, having random hook ups and snorting a line of coke every night is a good time huh Rafe?” You scoffed out sarcastly. “ yeah I think I’ll pass” You said with a roll of your eyes.

“ Listen JJ you and your little bitch need to just go back to the cut where you came from-“ you glanced at Rafe, only to see him looking at Topper with anger as if he was upset at him for calling you that , but before you could further analyze his expression, JJ pushed against Topper’s chest, slinging Topper backwards.

“you watch your mouth” JJ spat out pointing his finger towards Topper’s face. John B quickly stepped in , pulling JJ back away from Topper who was now laughing like an idiot, excited for the action that he thought was about to happen.

“Yeah go ahead Johnny boy go ahead and play dad “ Topper spat out as John B continued practically dragging JJ away from the group. “just don’t go abandoning him like your dad did ” He yelled out. Your mouth flew open in shock, seeing John B stop in his tracks but before he could even respond, your hand slapped straight across Topper’s cheek, causing his head to bounce side ways.

“go suck on your moms tits some more you fucking prick” You scowled before turning on your heals, following your friends. You didn’t even bother to stick around for anymore commentary, your only goal at this point was getting your friends the hell away from here before all hell broke loose.

“never fails man” you heard JJ screamed out in anger as you made it to the parking lot all while Pope continued trying to hush them as they stood next to the twinkie.

“JJ chill!” Pope yelled out as he tried pushing JJ into the Volkswagen but to no avail.

“no man they always get to do and say whatever the hell they want and never get any repercussions for it !” he exclaimed.

He wasn’t wrong, they really did. And if the Pogues fought back they were deemed bad and out of control. You sighed heavily as you watched JJ try to calm himself down, only to realize you had left your phone on the Log you were originally sitting at by the fire.

“Fuck I’ll be right back” You stated, only for your arm to get grabbed by John B.

“No don’t go back there” He instructed but you shook your head.

“I’ll be fine I just left my phone. “ You exclaimed before making your way back down towards the crowd of people.

“Xcuse’ me “ you mumbled as you brushed past people, making your way to the fire.

“Y/n what happened?” Kiara asked popping up from the side, placing her hand on your shoulder.

“I’ll explain later , meet you at the twinkie ok? go calm JJ down” You responded, pointing behind you with your thumb towards the van. She rolled her eyes, realizing it was a fight that had happened before turning around, making her way to your friends.

“Just can’t stay away can you?” You heard from behind you. You turn around to see none other than Rafe himself standing proudly. You rolled your eyes before turning back around, walking towards the fire once again. Despite you usually being excited to see him, tonight really put things into perspective for you.

You really were just a ‘dirty pogue’ to these guys, nothing more. There was no point to continue entertaining the thought of anything ever happening between the two of you. You were enemies, and that was all you’d ever be.

“I just came to get something Rafe go away” You huffed out.

“Oh you mean this?” He yelled out , making you stop in your track. You turned around to see Rafe holding your phone up, a wide grin plastered across his face.

“Give me that” you demanded, reaching your hand out, but Rafe pulled back, pulling it out of your reach.

“Rafe!” You yelled out with anger. “Give me my fucking phone dude” You spat out , reaching out again.

“Well what’s in it for me?” he asked , that smirk still obvious on his face.

“Rafe , please” You sighed out, dropping your shoulders slowly giving up. Between the alcohol and it being so late, you didn’t have any energy in you at this point to argue and you were just ready to go home and crash. Rafe noticed the body change in you, his grin falling from his face.

“I’m sorry” he said softly as he held out your phone to you. You were shocked. Rafe apologizing? Nobody but his father had ever heard those words coming from him so for him to say this to you really took you by surprise.

You slowly took the phone from him, your brows furrowed together in confusion.

“uhm,” you said as you pulled your arm back towards yourself. “thanks” you mumbled before turning on your heels making your way back to your friends.

“Y/n stop arguing and just do it!” Your mom yelled at you as she pushed the cleaing cart your way. You had to work with your mom today at the country club unfortunately and you were not even the slightest bit happy about it. She needed help and ‘You teenagers don’t do anything for yourselves’ as she would say, so you were stuck cleaning the floors while she did whatever it is that she does.

“Okay!” you huffed out as you picked up the broom off of the cart, aggressively beginning to sweep against the floor. You rolled your eyes as she mumbled something else to you before walking away, leaving you to clean the room alone.

It wasn’t long after that you heard some familiar voices walking down the hall way towards the room you were in. It most definitely sounded like the horrible three, Topper, Kelce and Rafe. You quickly turned your back towards the door, hoping none of them would notice you since you were alone and you against 3 just didn’t sound like a good time. You continued sweeping as you heard the group laughing as they passed the room you were in, not even paying you no mind. You sighed with relief as you realized they hadn’t noticed you and continued back to sweeping the floors.

“Hey” you heard from behind you. You jumped up gasping loudly as you turned around quickly, only to see Rafe himself standing there .

“God – fuck Rafe you scared the shit out of me. “ You breathed out, your hand over your chest as you tried to calm your heart beat down.

“sorry” he responded. There was that word again that didn’t exist in Rafe’s dictionary. You caught yourself staring before you quickly snapped yourself out of your trance, placing your hand on your hip.

“What do you want Rafe?” You scoffed out. He smirked before walking over to one of the Desks that sat in the room. You watched as he sat down on the edge, grinning as he stared over at you.

“ Never seen you here before.” He stated. You rolled your eyes before you propped your elbow up on your broom, sighing heavily.

“my mom works here. I’m just helping” You exclaimed, not that it was any of his business anyway.

“Huh” He responded nodding his head. He kept quiet once again, leaving the room silent and you beyond confused. You eventually shook your head at him, indicating for him to continue, but he didn’t.

“Look Rafe “ you started, standing yourself up straight. “I have to get back to work so unless you’re here for something important, you can go the fuck on” you finished. Rafe hopped off the edge of the desk, taking a few steps towards you , his body now hovering over yours. You began to feel your heart pound again, this time from the nerves as he stood so close to you. The smell of his cologne, grass and sweat from his Golfing lingering in your nose. you felt your hands begin getting clammy as you tried to hold your composer, your breath hitched in the back of your throat.

Rafe slowly lifted his hands, placing it under your chin, his blue eyes focused on yours. You didn’t know what to do at this point. You’ve had one on one Arguments with rafe before but none where he stood this close, and this quiet with you.

“Rafe” You breathed out as he lifted your chin, your face close together. He grinned once again, leaning in closer to you.

“You’re so beautiful” He said softly. You stared back into his blue eyes for a second before leaning in slightly. You were taken back though as he let go of your face , taking a step back and putting his hands in his pockets.

“ see ya” He responded calmy before walking back out of the room, following back to his friends.

You stood in shock, confused by Rafes actions. You were for sure positive that he was going to kiss you but he didn’t.

“what the fuck?” you mumbled before shaking your head in confusion at Rafe’s actions. You sighed heavily before sweeping your broom across the floor again, trying to regain your compose.

Most of your day went on like normal. You finished work with your mom, your mind only focused on your brief conversation you had with Rafe earlier.

It sucked because you had feelings towards Rafe, and you couldn’t tell if you were overthinking his actions or if he actually was in to you as well.

You had come to a conclusion though- it was one of two options. He was either fucking with you, or he wanted to fuck you. And you were determined to find out by tonight.

“Here goes nothing” You sighed to yourself as you stood outside TannyHill, the outside lights lighting up the big white house. You quickly jumped over the concrete fence, your feet landing in the wet grass.

Your eyes roamed the balcony, trying to remember which area you had seen Rafe standing at before. You bit your bottom lip as you concentrated, only to see Rafe himself walk by one of the windows.

“gotcha” You spoke softly before crouching down some, doing a quick jog across the field in hopes no one would see you.

You quickly managed to climb your way up the house onto the balcony you had just recently seen Rafe at. This was one of the pro’s of being a Pogue. You guys were very athletic and could always find your way to anything no matter the obstacles. You stood catching your breath as your feet finally landed on the wooden floor, the area barely lit by the light from the windows.

“What the fuck am I doing?” You said to yourself as you stood in the dark outside of what looked to be Rafe’s bedroom. You ran your hands through your hair, turning back around to face the field.

“What the fuck am I doing?” you said to yourself again as you began pacing. This is Rafe we’re talking about. Of course this man is just fucking with you. He’s been nothing but a dick to you and your friends for years. why in God’s name would he want you now? You knew you weren’t’ ugly. You were in shape, had decent hair (Even though you probably smelt like sweat sometimes because of how much you spent outside with the gang) But for the most part you cleaned up well.

Plenty of guys wanted you- but you looked nothing like any of the rich girls Rafe hooked up with. Why would he ever want you? It was clear that he was only acting this way towards you so him and his friends could have a good laugh later.

You shook your head in disbelief that you even had the balls to climb this guys house and actually think you could even ask him if he was interested in you. You began to climb back over before you heard a door open. You froze instantly, hoping they wouldn’t see you in the dark but that was just wishful thinking.

“Y/n?” You heard someone say. You mumbled a ‘ fuck’ as you recognized the voice to be Rafe.

“Uhm” You replied awkwardly as you climbed down, turning towards him to face him.

“Care to explain?” He asked throwing his hand up in your direction.

“Uhh” You said awkwardly as you ran your hand through your hair before placing them down your side.

“Y/n what the fuck are you doing climbing up my house at fucking 11 at night” he spat out. You flinched slightly at the harsh tone of his voice, your eyes roaming everywhere but his face , afraid to look at him in humiliation.

“okay so” you started, looking down at your feet. You stood for a second, wondering how you were going to explain yourself without sounding like ta total creep.

“Alight fuck it. “ you breathed out, looking up at Rafe. “You’ve been acting weird towards me, and being all like nice and flirty one minute and a complete ass the next and like – I just need clarification “ You exclaimed before you took in a deep breath, staring at Rafe as you waited for a response. You bit your bottom lip as he continued staring at you with a blank expression.

“Well?” You repeated, but he stayed quiet. You rolled your eyes, annoyed with the mind games he continued to play. “Rafe what is it? You like me or are you like fucking with me?” You spat out in frustration.

He finally changed his expression, this time a cocky smirk forming on his face. He reached out, grabbing one of your hands before walking backwards, leading you to follow him into his bedroom.

“uhh Rafe?” You questioned, confusion written all over your face as his eyes continued staring into yours.

“I’m not explaining myself” He finally spoke, his hair draped over his eyes as he looked down at you. You scrunched your face up as he reached behind you, closing the patio door. He chuckled slightly at your confusion before taking a step back away from you. “I’m just gonna show you” He exclaimed before pulling against your arm, leading you towards the bed before pushing against your shoulder, making you flop down. Your eyes widened as he walked over towards you, a smirk never leaving his face as his hand reached up, pushing away the stray hair in your face.

“You know, I’ve wanted to fuck you for quite sometime” He stated, leaning forward. “I mean look at you,-“ his eyes looked down and then back up your body, landing back onto your eyes, “You’re hot as fuck” He responded. You didn’t have a clue on what to say, so you continued in the same spot , sitting on his bed propped up on your hands behind you.

“You know for a pogue,” He finished, chucking as you rolled your eyes at his comment.

“Why didn’t you say anything ?” You finally spoke, looking up at him through your lashes. His cocky smirk left his face, only to return shortly after.

“Had to make sure the feelings mutual.” He replied , standing back up straight.

“and Who said it was?” You asked , trying to build your confidence back up. Rafe’s smirk widened before he let out a chuckle, his finger pointed out towards the balcony you were just climbing a few minutes ago.

“You did” he replied . you lowered your head some without responding, knowing he wasn’t wrong. HE stared down at you for a few seconds before he leaned in, the tip of his nose touching yours.

“Rafe” You breathed out as he stayed teasingly close.

“Hm” he hummed, not moving his face.

“Just fucking kiss me already” You demanded. Rafe happily obliged, his lips colliding with yours. Your hands immediately made their way to the back of his head, tugging on his hair.

“You wanna lay down for me ?” He asked after a few minutes of your tongues fighting for dominance. You didn’t respond other than nodding before you slowly laid yourself down, your eyes not leaving Rafe’s. Rafe grinned before unbuttoning your shorts, tugging on them. You lifted your hips up from the bed, helping him slide your shorts down as your teeth clamped down around your bottom lip. He stared at your hot pink panties, seeing the darkened area as you were already soaked.

“Soaking wet and I haven’t even touched you” He indicated. You felt heat rise to your cheeks as attempted to lower your head in embarrassment even though he could see you. Your mouth flew open as Rafe leaned down, pressing open-mouthed kisses against your damp panties, applying friction against your clit. You moaned out, leaning your head back as he placed the palm of his hand against you, rubbing up and down at a slow pace.

“Does that feel good?” He asked, his voice low and deep. You bit your bottom lip before nodding your head. Rafe grinned before he tugged on your panties, pulling them down to your ankles.

“Spread your legs open baby” He demanded , his voice calming but deep and intimidating.

You grinned before slowly spreading them open, his eyes focused on your heated core the whole time.

You laid your back flat against his bed as he got down on his knees, pulling you by your hips down to the edge of the bed, your bottom hanging off directly across his face .

“Rafe” You moaned out as you felt his warm tongue glide along your slit, his tongue stopping against your clit before he enclosed his lips, sucking slightly. He wiggled his tongue back and forth as his inserted his two index fingers into you, curving upwards. You gripped your hands against his navy blue sheets, gasping loudly as his fingers hit against your g-spot, sending tingling feelings through your body.

Rafe took one of his hands and trailed it up your stomach under your crop top, his hand groping around breasts.

You continued moaning loudly as his finger tips swirled around your nipples while his other hand continued moving rapidly against you, his eyes looking up at you in admiration.

Rafe lifted himself up, his face close to yours as his fingers continued moving inside you.

Y/n” he called out softly causing you to open your eyed and look over at him.

He placed his lips against yours as he slowly grinded himself against your side, pushing his rock hard shaft against you.

“You wanna do this?” He breathed out as he looked down at you, the pace of his fingers slowing down. You nodded looking up at him, your heart nearly pounding out of your chest.

“Yes Rafe” you practically whined out. Rafe moved himself to where he was hovering over you, his lips placed against your neck as he pulled his joggers down some, his member popping against his abs. You breathed out deeply as you watched him line himself up before slowly sliding himself in.

“ fuck” He groaned out as he felt your walls wrap tightly against him. Rafe was not only long, but he was thick all the way around, filling you more than anyone had ever done before. You placed your arms around his neck, holding him close as he began moving his hips against you.

The room was silent, only the sounds of your deep breathing and small groaning from Rafe as he continued rocking his hips in you at a steady pace, one hand placed above your head as the other gripped tightly under your thigh to hold your leg up.

“Rafe go harder” You pleaded. Rafe instead stopped his movements completely before rolling you over onto your stomach. He pulled slightly against your hips causing your bottom to stick up in the air as your face was pressed into the bed.

You gasped loudly as Rafe inserted himself into you again from behind, the new position giving him access to going deeper in you, which was exactly what he did. You felt his hand land on the back of your head, pressing you deeper into the bed as he began grinding his hips deep into you. He began slow at first but then began giving you exactly what you wanted , slamming himself into you over and over again.

At this point the pleasure was overwhelming and you couldn’t hold the moaning in as he continued rocking his hips into you, the sound of skin slapping echoing the room.

“Fuck im gonna cum” Rafe groaned out deeply in your ear, the feeling of your tight warm walls around him bringing him close to his own climax. He began placing sloppy kisses on your back, his pace speeding up. You arched your back feeling yourself clench around him as you orgasmed, your clit pulsing. You whined out, tugging on his sheets as Rafe continued to pound into you, riding out your high.

“Fuck y/n “ Rafe groaned out as he quickly pulled out, pumping himself off shooting his load on your back.

You both stayed in the same position for a few more minutes as you tried catching your breath before Rafe grabbed a napkin from his nightstand, wiping your back off.

You rolled over, laying on your back as Rafe put his bottoms back On before looking back over at you out of breath. You grinned as your eyes roamed his glistening body, his abs very prominent and his hair stuck to his forehead from sweat.

“ You should’ve definitely came to me sooner” you finally spoke out with a giggle. He sat down on the edge if the bed chuckling slightly.

“Yeah, that was nice. “ He responded. The room became silent, you both just sitting awkwardly while you laid on his bed still naked. After a moment of silence, you finally sat up, pulling his top sheet with you while getting up off the bed.

“Soo” You said awkwardly as you wrapped the sheet over your sweaty body.

“you can use the front door ” He responded looking up at you. You almost wanted to slap him at this point, realizing he was indicating for you to leave. You scoffed while rolling your eyes before turning away, picking your clothing up off the floor.

“What?” He asked as he continued sitting on the edge of the bed, noticing you aggressively picking your clothes up in anger.

“Nothing Rafe” you mumbled as you pulled your shorts back up up your legs, turning your back towards him.

“Hey” He responded standing up, grabbing your hand after you pulled your top over your head.

“What” You replied back, looking up at him with anger.

“I wasn’t saying you had to leave now I was just saying you didn’t have to climb down the house again” He exclaimed. You stood for a second before shaking your head.

“I should go anyways, it’s late” You replied before walking over towards your shoes, sliding them on over you feet. “but don’t worry I’ll take the balcony so no one sees me”. Rafe wanted to reply to your comment but instead he stayed quiet as he watched you make your way back to his balcony before stopping, leaving your hand on the doorknob.

“Uhm” You spoke , causing him to look up at you. “I’ll see you later?” You stated, more like questioned just for your own clarification. He grinned before nodding his head, walking towards you. He walked you out to the balcony, helping you over the edge before watching you climb down to the ground to make sure you made it down safely.

You did a light jog back towards the concrete wall before turning around, looking up at the balcony. You grinned when you saw him still standing there watching you. You gave him a wave before turning on your feet, climbing back over the fence and going home.

***

Sorry I’ve been incognito for a while but ya girl is back 🥲

Also,

✨As always feedback, like, and a reblog is always appreciated ! ✨

Masterlist

[heavensgateiowa]

I seen you mention latent homosexual Jason and if you're interested in further elaborating I would love to hear it

hello hi!

so i would love to someday write a full piece about jason grace with like. real textual analysis and shit but i'm letting my ideas fester first

i've also made a few posts talking about where he as a character is placed in relation to other queer characters (as nico's initial confidant and friend, as piper's comphet partner) and also his relationship to leo (and to percy lmao) already.

essentially, jason has, almost from birth, had his life controlled by jupiter, king of the gods and ultimate archetype of masculinity, fatherhood and virility, and juno, his wife, goddess of marriage. riordan's characterisation of both these characters deliberately skews negative, for a very specific reason: the series hinges on just how scary it is to have a parental figure reject you.

percy feels abandoned by the father he never knew at the beginning of the series. annabeth is desperate to impress her mother, and feels overshadowed and abandoned by the rest of her family. piper is completely disconnected from the idea of heterosexual love and traditional, eurocentric feminine beauty which she associates with her mother, and repulsed by the association while so fascinated by it and desperate for the approval associated with it that she seeks it out in the form of her relationship with jason. i could go on, and each of these examples probably deserves its own in depth examination.

but for all these characters, alienation from and abandonment by a parental figure is the ultimate evil, the thing they fear most, the most destructive force in their lives. it's a reflection of the adolescent experience which makes the books resonate so hard with young people. it's an example of the 'there is a dragon. the adults don't believe you when you say there is a dragon' philosophy of childrens books; it is so hard to articulate as a child the negative experiences you are having with a parent or caregiver, and even if you can articulate those experiences, who will believe you? certainly not the parent themselves.

jason represents all this in extremis. what if a child was taken from his mother and sister (the same thing that happens to nico, incidentally, only jason was too young to remember it and is therefore almost numb to the trauma by comparison because he has never known it any other way), and groomed to become a leader and a hero in such a way that he could never become anything else? jupiter and juno are villainised because they represent the ultimate evil of the series, parental neglect, abuse and control. the distant father, who says out loud that he will not give his son the attention, praise or affection that he so clearly needs as a matter of principle. the overbearing mother and wife archetype, who becomes an embodiment of both heteronormativity and control, those things being one and the same in jason's life. when he seeks control he also seeks heterosexuality.

conversely, when he gives up control, when he gives up his role as praetor, when he and piper break up, he stops seeking heterosexuality. i would argue this very slow slide begins when he sees juno's true form and starts losing his vision (god im so hazy on this point ive only read the books once sorry if i get this wrong). he is exposed to the 'true form' of the goddess that represents, to him, heterosexuality and control. he then loses his vision, and is given glasses (by asclepius the son of apollo dont even get me started on that particular train of thought). this represents a physical transition, a step-down from youthful masculine perfection into almost a form of old age.

this is jason’s attempt to reclaim his own life and agency, and it ultimately leads to his death.

there’s something very compelling in the accidental ‘bury your gays’ moment that happens in trials of apollo. riordan has talked about how, upon reflection looking at the first series, he realised that nico was a queer character.

this is fascinating, and an excellent statement regarding nico, but the context of jason makes it all the more interesting. nico and jason are almost total opposites; nico is an outsider, a victim, associated with death and hell. he’s a lot more easy to shape into a queer narrative, where he comes out and is accepted within the group. instead, jason has spent his whole life on top of the world. a praetor, son of the king of the gods, the embodiment of strength and classical masculinity and heroism (but completely without agency). shaping a queer narrative out of that proves to be a great deal more difficult, and so riordan doesn’t. i don’t believe he intended to do this, i don’t think he recognised jason’s queerness for what it was, but he sublimates jason’s queerness into other things; he has jason fight for the underdog, like nico and the underappreciated gods. he has jason move from praetor to pontifex maximus, one of the only remotely autonomous choices he makes in the series. he has jason wear glasses with all they represent. he has jason slowly back away from heteronormativity, from jupiter and juno and all that they represent, from his failed relationship with piper.

but jason still dies. he fails to escape his fate, and dies the death of the very heroic warrior he no longer wanted to be. and his queerness dies with him.

there is so much more i could elaborate on, and someday i will, but this is already way longer than i meant it to be lol. long story short jason grace my beloved

[blossomkoushi]

truth or dare

Summary: two years after leaving high school and your deep crush on sugawara koushi still hadn’t gone away. a night of hanging out with the current and previous karasuno volleyball players turn interesting with a game of truth or dare.

Warnings: teeny tiny manga spoilers, afab reader (no pronouns used other than reader being called good/silly girl), suga is a little shit and so are the other (former) third years, reader pining, use of “little one” and “good girl”, consent is sexy, reader and suga fuck in the bathroom and in front of a mirror, unprotected sex (always use a condom!!), he puts his hand over the reader’s mouth. i think that’s everything, let me know if i missed something!

Word count: 3.1k

A/N: this fic was based off this prompt i got from an anon! thank you for sending it in, i had so much fun writing this!

MINORS DO NOT INTERACT

The semi-annual Karasuno reunion was in full swing. Only the previously known first years were still high school, now in their third year and still in touch with their seniors. It’d been Yamaguchi’s birthday, all the current third years now being 18 and excited to talk to their seniors about adult life and catch up.

“let’s play truth or dare!” Nishinoya suddenly yells, abruptly ending the conversation he’d been having with Hinata and Tanaka. The group agrees, excitedly talking while moving into a circle in Nishinoya’s parents’ living room. You squeeze yourself in between Kiyoko and Asahi.

Having been a manager along with Kiyoko, you’re the closest with the previous third years, but still being friends with the second and first years. You had no problem socializing with them all, happily chatting to Yachi, sitting on the other side of Kiyoko, when Daichi clears his throat. Both you and Asahi snicker, trying to stifle your laughter at his natural instincts kicking in.

“alright, I’ll start. Yamaguchi?” Daichi speaks, sitting up straighter and looking at Yamaguchi.

“yes?” the latter replies, and you note how he doesn’t cower under Daichi’s gaze anymore.

“truth or dare?”

“truth”

Daichi smirks, “what’s it like to be captain?”

Laughter erupts, a blush spreading on Yamaguchi’s cheeks while he smiles.

“it’s the worst. These two,” he points at Tsukishima and Kageyama, “still won’t cooperate and the first years refuse to listen to me. I’m sorry for any trouble we caused you, captain! You too, Ennoshita!”

Yamaguchi bows in apology to both of them, laughter once again filling the room and Nishinoya jumps up to press down on Tsukishima’s and Kageyama’s heads, ruffling their hair.

“still causing trouble for the captain, eh? Ya’ troublemakers” he laughs, walking back to his seat next to Tanaka and nearly flopping down in a fit of giggles. It takes a few minutes of laughter and jokes for everyone to calm down, Yamaguchi eventually speaking up.

“okay! Okay, my turn now!” he looks around the circle, eventually stopping at Tanaka. “truth or dare?”

“dare, of course” Tanaka booms, grinning.

“alright.. hmm… I dare you to… kiss Nishinoya’s cheek”

An echo of oo’s and whistles makes Tanaka blush, looking at Nishinoya before slapping his own cheeks, shaking the nerves out of his body before cupping the back of his best friends’ neck, pressing a quick kiss to his cheek. Cheers erupt and both you and Yamaguchi clap while cheering, giggles falling from your lips.

“kiyoko!” the blush still hasn’t left Tanaka’s cheeks, eyes open wide in excitement, “truth or dare?”

“truth”

“will you marry me?”

“no.”

The interaction is over before it began, causing another fit of laughter to fill the room, the blush only growing on Tanaka’s cheeks but he’s still smiling, excited to have gotten to talk to his crush. In a way, you sympathize with him. You know what it’s like to pine after someone for years.

Your own crush sitting at the opposite side of the circle. His gray hair pushed back slightly, crisp white t-shirt hanging off his body beautifully and the soft smile making your heart skip a beat. Despite not seeing Sugawara nearly as often as you’d like, the crush that started in your first year of high school is still as strong as ever. You can’t even count the number of nights you’d spent dreaming of kissing the mole under his eye, tracing your fingers over his soft lips and what it would be like to hold him close. Despite it all, you never made a move and neither did he, so you simply assumed that he wasn’t interested in you and tried to move on. Clearly failing, as you blush and look away when his eyes meet yours.

“Y/N” a push on your shoulder sends you out of your daze, meeting Kiyoko’s eyes. “truth or dare?”

“oh! U-um, dare?” still in the haze of your mind wandering, you spoke before thinking. Kiyoko glances over at both Daichi and Asahi, a small smirk growing on her face.

“I dare you to go sit in Suga’s lap” your eyes shoot open with her words, feeling your body growing hot. Of course. The other third years knew about your crush after all, having caught you staring at the man more than a few times.

Glancing around, you notice everyone staring excitement. Do they all know? Shaking your head, you stand up and slowly walk to the other side of the living room.

“may I?” your voice is surprisingly timid, body still burning just from the idea of sitting in his lap. A grin grows on his face as he moves his legs slightly, crossing his legs under him and patting his lap. Shyly sitting down, your back presses to his chest and he places his hands behind him. Applause smatter in the room along with words of encouragement, but your attention isn’t on that anymore.

The game continues, you dare Tsukishima to give Hinata a hug and zone out after that. Sugawara moves his legs, stretching them out and letting you sit on the floor, still pressed to his chest and his legs come up and nearly cage you in. your legs are over his, his calves and feet nearly pressed to your butt.

All you can smell is him. It’s warm and comforting, feeling his chest rumble and vibrate when he speaks and laughs, the sounds ringing in your ears and send shivers down your spine. His arms come around your waist, pressing you more firmly against his chest.

Your attention goes between Sugawara and the conversations happening around you. they seem to have stopped playing the game, now only happily chatting about their lives and you try to join in, mostly laughing at the other’s jokes and antics. Asahi tells a story of when he managed to sew two pairs of pants together for a class and Hinata excitedly talks about Karasuno’s most recent games. Before you know it, you’ve fully relaxed and wiggled into Sugawara’s hold, sitting impossibly close.

Your attention jolts back to him when his face suddenly presses into your hair, feeling him inhale and squeeze his arms around you. you stiffen, body burning hot once more and nearly igniting when something against your lower back stiffens as well. A soft squeak escapes you, body moving on its own and squirming, trying to move closer.

“suga…” barely a whisper to not alert the others of what’s going on, heat pooling in your stomach.

“mmh?” his humming vibrates against your back, exhale fanning over your exposed neck. A quick kiss to the skin and you gasp. “something wrong?”

“I-“ you begin, stammering when his lips press against your burning skin again, sucking softly and scraping his teeth over the sensitive skin. A moan nearly escapes you when he bites down, feeling the harsh tug of arousal in your stomach, along with wetness pooling in your panties. You feel his grip on you tighten.

“sound so pretty, know you want to make more noises. Why don’t we find somewhere private, hm?” his breath fans against your ear while he whispers, slowly rutting his hips against your back. You nod, whimpering excitedly. “good girl. Stand up and I’ll follow you. if anyone asks, you have a tummy ache and need me to help with it.”

Nodding again, you shyly stand up and look behind you, noticing Sugawara checking out your ass before he stands up as well. The bulge in his pants isn’t that prominent, he must’ve adjusted while you were standing up. As he had predicted, all eyes go to the two of you, suddenly standing in the circle.

“where are you going?” Hinata asks and you silently thank any and all possible higher powers for having it be him asking the question.

“o-oh, um, I have a tummy ache and Suga is just gonna help me with it” you excuse yourself from the group and start walking away, your skin once again burning, feeling all their eyes on you as you walk out the room.

Once out of sight, Sugawara grabs your arm and puts his finger over his lips to signal that you need to be quiet. You nod, just barely able to keep a squeak from escaping when he suddenly tugs you down the hallway and into the bathroom. The door closes behind you, his fingers quickly locking it and his hands push you to the door, leaning in close and smirking.

“you did good, little one” he leans in even closer, studying your face as it heats up, your eyes avoiding his. “can I kiss you?”

“y-yes” you whimper, daring to look in his eyes for a moment, watching him with anticipation. He smiles, cupping the back of your neck and gently pressing his lips against yours.

It’s like you’d always imagined. His lips are soft, gentle and moving against yours slowly, as if you’d done it a hundred times before. His hand on the door moves down to your waist, pushing your hips down and his thigh comes between yours, his body caging you in. he sighs happily against your lips, swiping his tongue over them and your mouth opens as if on command. Arms wrapping around his neck and you kiss. You kiss and kiss and kiss until time seems to have stopped and the only thing that matters is his warm body against yours and his wet lips making you shiver in pleasure.

Desperate whines and whimpers start escaping you, the kisses getting more and more heated until Sugawara is grabbing your thigh and holding it against his hip, grinding his clothed crotch against yours.

“Suga-“

“Koushi.” He cuts you off before you can finish, pulling away and looking at you seriously, “call me Koushi, please”

“Koushi” you try it out, tasting the word and shivering at the intimate feeling it gives you. Smiling at him, you tug his body closer again, “Koushi please, please fuck me”

A smirk grows on his face yet again, “thought you’d never ask”

He moves away slightly, pulling your body with him and pushing you against the sink. His hands rub up and down your waist until you whine in frustration, huffing out a reminder that the others are probably already wondering what’s taking so long. He only chuckles, flashing you his smile through the mirror while his nimble fingers work at the button and zipper of your jeans. He tugs them down, crouching down to prod at your panties.

“so messy” his thumb runs down the length, pressing down on your clit. Rubbing gently, he coos when your hips squirm.

“Koushi- please” trying to push your hips back against his hand, you whine, feeling the years of waiting making you impatient.

“ssh, okay, okay, calm down” he chuckles, patting your butt and standing up, undoing his pants and letting them fall to the floor. You dare to turn your head, peeking behind to see him getting undressed.

In a different situation, you might’ve laughed. Black boxer briefs cling to his body, contrasting from his skin. A faint bulge going straight up, and your eyes move along with it, noticing the head of his cock sitting above the waistband. Flushed pink and leaking precum, Sugawara lifts his shirt up and over his head, giving you a better look at his body. Pale hair, the faintest gray tone, goes from under his belly button and all the way down to his underwear, hidden behind his cock.

Sugawara finally notices your staring, grinning and pulling down his briefs down to his knees, letting his cock stand proudly from his body. From what you can tell, the base is the same shade as his body, the length fading into pink all the way to the head. His gray pubes sit neatly trimmed against his body, curling slightly and framing his cock.

“like what you see?” he teases, sending you a wink before pulling your panties down, stepping closer and nudging your face back towards the mirror. “want you to look at me”

The tip of his cock presses against your pussy lips, making your breath hitch, waiting for the pressure to get deeper. But it doesn’t.

“Koushi, please just-“

“I don’t have a condom.” He cuts you off, sighing and starting to step away, stopped by a loud whine and a hand clawing at his hip.

“I don’t care. I’m on the pill and I assume you haven’t been sleeping around?”

“no, but-“

“so, fuck me. Please.” This time, you cut him off, frustration and arousal rolling off you in waves. You weren’t going to wait any longer, not when he’s here and ready for you. He exhales shakily, nodding and smiling. Finally.

The pressure returns on your pussy, this time pressing in between the lips and against your entrance. He adjusts himself, giving you a grin and wink through the mirror, slowly starting to push in. There’s a bit of a stretch, the overwhelming acknowledgement that Sugawara Koushi was pushing his cock inside you, made your head spin and breathing get heavy. Your head flops down, moaning and cursing under your breath until you feel his hips press against your ass. A hand grips your hair, tugging your head up and Sugawara leans over your body, pressing his lips right up against your ear.

“look at that pretty face. Thought I told you to look at me, didn’t I? silly girl” he smirks, pressing small kisses down your cheek and neck, feeling your flushed skin burn under his lips. He maintains eye contact, watching your expressions carefully when he returns his lips against your ear. “be quiet for me. Don’t want those perverts out there hearing what’s mine”

Before you can respond, his hips pull back and snap against yours, forcing a loud moan to rip from your throat. Sugawara only laughs, shaking his head and putting his hand over your mouth, pinning you up against his chest. His mouth lands on your neck and shoulder, sucking and biting on the skin while his hips start moving again, thrusting quick and deep.

Your moans get muffled by his hand, eyes rolling back in your head from the pleasure, and you can feel his groans against your skin, going raw from his constant attention. His hand on your hip grips you tightly, keeping you in place against his body while his cock pushes, prods and drags against your sensitive walls, clamping down on him tightly and forcing deep moans from him.

“you feel so fucking good, shit” he manages to groan, snaking his hand on your hip towards your cunt, finding your clit and rubbing it slowly. The contrast from his harsh thrusts to gentle touch makes your head spin, moans only getting louder while your hands uselessly claw at the sink, his hips and arms, unable to find a stable purchase to keep your body from toppling over. You never want this to end.

“nngh fuck- koushiii” your muffled whines vibrate against his hand, calling out for him in your fog of pleasure and it makes him faster. The slapping of your skin meeting and the wet squelching from your pussy fills the small bathroom, bouncing off the walls and filling your head. “m gonna cum- gonna cum, koushi, fuck”

“that’s right, cum for me” he pants against your skin, lidded eyes looking at the mirror and seeing your expression. He can feel your burning cheeks through his hand, the wet spit coating his palm and the hot breaths that fan over it. Your eyes rolled back and glossy, body shaking in his hold until everything suddenly snaps. The pressure on his cock gets tighter, thighs shaking against his while another loud moan forces its way out of you. Your body shakes, nearly falling over from the orgasm and his unwavering thrusts.

“k-koushi I-“ you stammer, nearly going cross-eyed from the overwhelming pleasure and stimulation when he doesn’t stop. If anything, he goes harder. His hips slam against yours, rocking your body and he nearly pushes you into the sink, hand still covering your mouth while he groans freely, unable to stop his own noises.

“I’m gonna cum, fuck! Fuckfuckfuck- hhahhh shit, fuck- Y/N” incoherent babbles tumble from his lips, head thrown back while he snaps his hips against yours. The pressure around his cock hasn’t stopped, making his mind fuzzy and laced with pleasure until he stops, bottoming out and leaning over your body. He groans loudly, body shaking and cock jumping while his cum spurts out, painting your walls white. It’s warm, settling deep in your tummy and making you shiver in pleasure.

One of your shaking hands moves back, grabbing his hip and helping him fuck himself dry, clenching around him until he hisses from the sensitivity. Slowly pulling out, the two of you breathe heavily, trying to collect yourselves from the act.

“so…” you finally say, pushing yourself off the sink and wincing, feeling his cum seep out of your cunt. You quickly bend down, pulling up your panties and jeans, hoping they’ll help keep everything inside.

“so…” Sugawara grins, watching you frown and get dressed. He turns around, picking up his clothes and getting dressed as well. “that was fun, right?”

“yeah” you nod, taking his body in, free from the haze of arousal. Suddenly snapping out of it, realizing that it might make him uncomfortable, you whip your head to the side and stare at a wall. “was really fun!”

He notices your flustered state, smirking and stepping to you when he’s fully dressed. His hands land on your hips, pushing your body flush against his and chuckling when you laugh and widen your eyes. “we just had sex; how can you still be so flustered?”

“because!” you yelp, cowering under his soft gaze and shaking your head slightly. “because… I’ve had a crush on you for years now.”

You don’t see the grin widening on his face.

“I know.”

“what?” you nearly yell, snapping your face towards his again and gaping, your body flushing with embarrassment. He only laughs, ruffling your hair and stepping back, moving towards the door.

“I’ve known for a while now. Daichi told me.” He looks back at you, smiling and reaching out his hand. “you coming?”

Smiling and shaking your head, you take his hand. The two of you walk back to the living room, his face flushed, and your hair tousled. Going to sit down again, you wince slightly and he pats your back soothingly. Eyes flicker to the two of you, knowing smirks growing on several of their faces. The silence is deafening, making you shrink into Sugawara’s chest. Nishinoya suddenly pipes up, eyes wide and index finger pointing at the two of you accusingly.

“did you fuck in my bathroom!?”

Laughter erupts. Sugawara receives pats on the back and Kiyoko winks at you, smiling. You smile back. Maybe you should thank her. After all, this was her doing.

[sourholland]

hi! I saw that you were taking requests? if so hi!! I saw you were taking request? if so can you do one with Tom? so idk if you ever have watched gossip girl because it’s one of my favorite shows! I was wondering if you could write something with him and the reader both like each other but don’t wanna make a move and all of their friends think they are cute together ex: Blair from gg. they end up confessing and .... ☺️🦋🥵💓. idk if this makes sense? but you don’t have to write this

Don’t || Tom Holland

Summary → After doing a movie early on in your career with Tom, you develop feelings for him. Only when he tells you it was all a bit of fun, do you try and move on with a new guy. Years later, you get engaged and Tom tells you not to go through with it.

AN → This took so much longer than expected, so sorry about that! I took a more angsty approach, it has the Gossip Girl energy of when Blair got engaged and Chuck was upset. Definitely a lot left up in the air at the end, let me know what you guys think :)

Pairing(s) → Tom Holland x Fem!Reader

Warnings → Strong Language, Alcohol Mentioned, Angst

Word Count → 1.2k

“Y/N and I have news,” Logan announced to the booth.

There were five of you crowded into the restaurant corner seat, alcohol all around the table along with the meals that had just been brought. It was you, Logan, Zendaya, Harrison, and Tom.

Having known each other for years, it was still rare that you all got to go out and get drinks together. When you and Logan started dating two years back, the group was shocked. This was mostly to do with that fact that they all knew about your history with Tom and the fact that you both harbored illicit feelings for each other. After everything that had gone down between you and Tom before, it became a rule of yours not to date coworkers.

That ended up going in the trash about halfway through the movie you and Logan were both starring in. He’d made it his priority to get you to go out with him and eventually you caved. A first date turned into a second and then a third and eventually you were in a serious relationship.

Logan is great.

“We’re engaged!” He came out with, putting his arm around your shoulder and pulling you into him.

“Wait for real?” Zendaya asked. “Like deadass?”

Like a reflex, your eyes met Tom’s and his expression was almost completely blank. He stopped coming around whenever Logan showed up, you were surprised he’d even agreed to come out tonight. His pupils had dilated, eyes full of shock.

He has no right to be upset, you thought. Even after three years, in the moment you felt like that nineteen year old actress with no experience and hardly any money. The way he was looking at you felt like loving him and having your heart shattered into a million tiny pieces.

-

3 Years Earlier

“Leave me alone, Tom! Just get the fuck away from me!” You shouted at him, stepping out of the hotel elevator.

With tears in your eyes, the fact that the whole cast doing the panel tomorrow had rooms on the same floor was getting increasingly agitating. His footsteps followed after you, continuously trying to understand what was wrong.

What was wrong was that girl.

Throwing themselves all over each other at the bar while you watched. Now, Tom is a grown adult and can do whatever he wants, but for months he’d been leading you on, playing hot and cold. Everyone saw it, the rest of the cast, your friends. They’d all assumed you were both just too afraid to make the first move, clearly this wasn’t the case.

“What the fuck is your problem?” He asked with a raised voice, grabbing onto your wrist.

“You’re my problem, Tom! And frankly, I can’t wait until all of this bullshit PR is over so I never have to look at you again!”

“What?” He countered, hastily pulling his key card out and opening the door to his room. “Can we just talk about this? Maybe not in the middle of a hallway.”

Shuffling in, you turned towards him and watched the door shut. His jaw was clenched, eyes searching you while you both stood in silence. It smelled like fresh hotel linen, the sun having set a while before then.

Pinching the bridge of your nose, you couldn’t help but look at him yearningly. It felt like being broken up with, regardless of the fact that you hadn’t even been dating before. He played you, he flirted and led you on for months. Worst of all, you let him with big doe eyes and young naivety.

“Did you mean any of the shit you’ve been saying to me? Or was it your plan to just string me along until all of this was over and fucking forget it all?” You finally asked, glaring at him.

“What’re you talking about?”

“God, Tom—you’re so dense sometimes. I mean all of the touching and the kissing and the telling me how much I meant to you. Was that all a lie?”

He grew stiff, scratching the back of his neck and looking back up. Something told you he cared, something else told you he couldn’t give less of a shit. He was clearly thinking, trying to figure out how to respond.

“I do care about you, Y/N. I just thought this was all getting a little too unprofessional, you know? We’re at completely different points in our lives and in our careers. And I’d assumed this was all just a bit of fun for you, I didn’t know you would get this worked up.”

“Worked up? Tom, you clearly can’t see that I like you—that I really like you,” you started. “Obviously you have just been leading me on, though. You’ve showed that much.”

“I wasn’t leading you on,” he confessed. His hand came to your wrist as you turned.

Facing him again, you let a few of the tears spill down your cheeks. His expression was pleading, but you heard him loud and clear. With cloudy vision, you spoke up once more.

“Then tell me you really did mean all of it, tell me you weren’t playing with my feelings.”

Silence.

He looked like he wanted to say something, but said nothing. Pulling your wrist from his grasp, you sighed and shook your head. His few attempts at an apology went unnoticed. You were an idiot to think it would work, that he had ever really liked you.

“Y/N, I’m sorry—”

“Go fuck yourself, Tom.”

-

Excusing yourself to go to the bathroom and get some air, you stood from the table and murmured a quick ‘be right back.’ The walk around the restaurant was excruciatingly long, a line of frustration appearing between your brows.

Just before you could pull open the door to the restroom, a voice sounded from behind you. An all too familiar voice that you had no desire to hear.

“You’re marrying him,” Tom announced.

“Seems so.”

“You don’t love him, Y/N. Why are you doing this to yourself?”

Turning back to look at him, you saw him leaning against the opposite wall. On his face was an expression of disappointment. The way he was staring at you only set something off in you, anger or rage.

“And what are you getting at? That I love you? Because that is most definitely not the case, Tom.”

The only sound was coming from inside of the kitchen and the dining room down the hallway. The noises of families eating dinner, laughter and voices loud from even so far away. Tom stuck his hands in his pockets and shrugged. Apart of you wanted to hate him.

“Don’t marry him,” he said.

“You don’t get to say that, Tom. Not now, not when I’m happy. Don’t be selfish,” you told him.

“Y/N,” the way your name sounded coming off of his lips sent a shockwave down your spine.

“Don’t, Tom.”

[thatfrenchacademic]

hey! you seem like you're a really good TA (? idk if that's the right term but you seem to have some prof/teacher tasks?) and i was wondering how you got the confidence to do that? i'm basically on your level of education but i wouldn't think i was smart/capable enough to judge other students' writing and stuff, i feel like one of them more than one of the teachers if you get what i mean. do you have any advice?

Hello !

That is such a thoughtful question - and I am sure all postgrads who suddendly have to start teaching feel the same at the beginning. In my opinion, it is a fairly healthy mindset to have, as long as it does not inhibit your own teaching and remain just some healthy awareness that, hey, you are still learning many things yourself.

I am very touched you think I am a good TA - I hope I manage to be a helpful one at least.d I definitely still often wonder "am I qualified to teach this ? To... grade this ? Who am I to say whether this is good work or not?" But here are a few thingsm coming both from my experience so far and my discussions with other TA, which could maybe be of help to you (each developed under the cut)

1. You know more than your students, and that will be enough to help them.

2. Teaching is a two way street : you are not lecturing to them, you are working with them.

2bis : Give constant verbal feedback to your students !

3. Your own experience of being an Undergrad may not be the best point of reference

4. Talk to other TAs ! You all face the same issues !

5. Try out things, and if they do not work, it's fine.

6. Organize your session alternating moments where you take the lead, and moments where students take the lead.

7. Help, My students are not talking !

8. Grading is tough, but we can make it easier.

I hope they will be of help, but no worries, it takes practice, trial and errors, and time will help you figure it out. Do not hesitate to come back here if you have any question or something you want to discuss ! (And tell me how your teaching went, I would love to hear it!)

1. You know more than your students, and that will be enough to help them.

It means you do not have to be an expert in the topic you teach. You may even just be familiar with it. But by virtue of being a postgrad student, you know how to do the reading effectively, you will get very quickly what is important, what to retain from this or that reading. And you just need to know more than your students. Which you absolutely will.

I think being passionate, showing that you are excited about what you are teaching, giving them this energy, this interest, is much much more important than being a full-blown expert in your area.

2. Teaching is a two way street : you are not lecturing to them, you are working with them.

And that is not me being vaguely pseudo-inspiration ; it is something I have learnt and truly realized when I took a course on teaching. There is much literature on this, but the take-away is that especially as a TA, it is helpful if you see your job as working with students. Engage with them, offer them different options to choose from during the session, explain that you are here to support their learning, and give them some space to have some agency over what happens ! Trust them to at least try their best - many are!- and they will trust you in return, and will be more likely to give you some feedback.

2bis : Give constant verbal feedback to your students !

This does not come easy to me, but students NEED to be told when they said something good ! Because if you do not tell them explicitely, how would they know that, hey, this was a pretty cool comment !

But also, be clear when answer or a point raised is not relevant or wrong, because it also guides their understand of the topic. "Ok, I can see why you would say that, but it's actually abit trickier...". "Ah, yes, it is very interesting that you raise it, it is a common misunderstanding and I am glad you are pointing it out, because it is an interesting discussion to have!"

3. Your own experience of being an Undergrad may not be the best point of reference

When I started teaching, I made the mistake of thinking "ok, what sort of TA/tutorial do I wish I had, in Undergrad?", and went with what I know I would have enjoyed. Except I am a passionate nerdy introvert who hated talking to my peers and doing group works, and wanted a TA who was no-bullshit, clear, professional. Most of your students are probably not, and may indeed enjoy group work, or the opportunity to connect with their peers during your tutorial. Most of your students will appreciate a TA who is more forthcoming, friendly, and may crack a joke or two. And it is a weird role to have, it may clash with your personality (it definitely clashes with mine), but it's ok if it takes time to find the right zone for you ! It is absolutely part of the process !

4. Talk to other TAs ! You all face the same issues !

Pooling experience with other TAs is fantastic. Because no matter what issue you are facing, one of them faced it already. How do you teach in the shitty Room 605 where the computer does not work ? How do they deal with students who do not do the readings ? How to they handle lack of motivation from students ? What sort of group work do they organize ? Who sort of online tools do they rely on ? How do they deal with all the emails they get ? And on that note...

5. Try out things, and if they do not work, it's fine.

Do not be afraid to try things. I tend to stay away from "complex" activities which can confuse students, or rely too much on technology. But group work ? There are so many types of group work ! Why stick to just the "think of this question in group of 3 for 5 minutes", when you could do a syndicate, snowballing, 2-minutes essay, fishbowl, think-pair-share, buzz groups...

And sometimes, it will not work. Just... a bad session. And you feel that it's on you, that you did not manage to do your work, that you are a bad teacher... And refer to Point 2. Then, calmly, talk about it with another TA. Explain what you did, and try to get their opinion on it, reflect on it. But it is never all on you.

6. Organize your session alternating moments where you take the lead, and moments where students take the lead.

Teaching is exhausting, learning is exhausting, genuinely, so balance out moments where you do the heavy work, and moments where they do. I like to have a rough session plan with all the activities I have planned, and indicate for each if it is "ME", "STUDENTS", "ALL". And also ensure that your students are given the opportunity to really take an active role, which is way better for learning !

7. Help, my students are not talking :

This will happen. You will ask a question, no one will answer. Big, awkward, heavy silence. You reformulated the question, but clearly it is not working. Here are a few ways I have reacted to it :

- Show of hands 1 : for a quick diagnosis. "Can you raise your hand if you have done the reading for this question ? Just so I know if this is maybe the problem". Encourage the ones who have done the readings to explain it to the others.

- Show of hands 2 : "Ok, there are two ways to answer this question X and Y. Can you raise you hand if you think Y, and lower it if you think X?". Encourage some who picked Y to explain why, then same with X.

- Show of hands 3 : "Ok, let's lower the pressure. Who thinks they kind of have an answer, but is not sure about how to word it, or properly argument it?". Ask whoever raise their hand to start, and pick up yourself from there.

- Switch to think-pair-share : "Ok, how about we think a bit about this on our own for a few minutes, and then you can compare your own answers with your neigbour"

- Collapse the classroom : "Ok, I can see that this is not working. It's ok, can you tell me if it is because the topic is not super interesting, or the reading ? Are the questions not what you expected?"

- End of the session clear-up : [once everything is over] "Ok, so now that the session is over, can I ask you guys why it was difficult for you to talk today ? Just so I can make sure I can come up with questions that are useful to you, next time. If some of you want to stay a few minutes to talk about what you would like to change for the next tutorials, we can talk about it now ; you don't have to, of course"

8. Grading is tough, but we can make it easier.

Especially if you are grading things like essays, we can often feel uneasy, unsure how to grade them, how legitimate we are to grade them, especially with the sheer impact grades can have on students. Ideally, you want to have a list of things that are PLUS POINTS, and perhaps some that are MINUS POINTS, and have those strictly guide your grading, to be fair to all students and assess them similarly. I also found that it is helpful to grade the paper, only the paper. When there is a really, really bad essay where clearly the student barely tried, it's easy to get frustrated, because you did your best, and clearly the student did not care ? But you never actually know what happened. Real examples of students submitting absolutely terrible work include : a student who was grieving her mother, a student who had been in hospital and did not know she could ask for a delay, an adult student whose child had gotten sick the days before, a foreign student with a poor grasp on English... When you are grading the 78th essay of the week, it is easy to forget that each of them is from an individual, and we get to judge the work they do, but not why they did it. Even in your comments and feedback, always be compassionate.

[krabstick32]

Snow Melts Quicker in Water

Pairing: Giyuu x Reader

Synopsis: You and Giyuu fight, but things have a way of sorting themselves out. 

Tags/warnings: very light angst, mostly fluff, super light make out session uwu

a/n: thank you for requesting @aliaisreal​!! you’re super sweet, so thank you very much for your patience and understanding!! I hope the wait was worth it!! 🥺

Link to the ask: Request by @aliaisreal​

The best (and kindest) way possible people could describe Tomioka Giyuu was that he was like water itself.

Like water, he adapted easily and quickly, His movements were fluid and continuous, unstoppable in its actions like a waterfall spilling over a cliff. His voice was baritone, smooth, but held power underneath the surface. He flowed through any obstacle in his life as best as he could, and that rang true even to your relationship. 

While he thought that he mostly went with the flow, It’s been an entire week since your fight, and it’s been an entire week since he’s talked to you.

Admittedly, you two have fought before—minor little squabbles where he always took it upon himself to be the first to apologize. He didn’t like the idea of you upset, but now was different. This was probably the biggest fight he’s ever had with you, and as much as he loves you, he didn’t want to be the one to make the first move this time.

One moment, he came home to you, tired and ready to go straight to your shared room and drop dead for the next few hours, but in the next, the two of you were saying things that neither of you meant, arguing over something that should have been a simple thing. 

That night, the fight was so big that he ended up taking refuge in the butterfly estate. 

Well, given the injuries he got in his last mission, he was already going to go the next morning, but he was hoping to see you and rest first before anything else. 

Breathing out a sigh, he sits up from the cold hospital bed he’s been sleeping on for the past week, and reflexively brings a hand to the bandages around his stomach. He never did like fighting with you. It always left a heavy weight on his chest, and it always occupies his mind, resulting in him fighting slightly sloppier than he’d like.  

Maybe he should apologize? There was a pillar meeting later on in the day, so if he wanted to, he could. He usually did, within the day, but this was the longest the two of you were actively mad at each other. The two of you fought, but last night was the first time the two of you fought for that long.

But for once, he didn’t want to. For once, he wanted you to make the first move, and maybe, just this once he should. 

Giyuu breathes out a heavy sigh. He’ll just think about that later.

When Giyuu arrived at the Ubuyashiki Garden, he was thrown off by the fact that you weren’t there. He was further surprised when the Oyakata-sama came in, and there was still no sign of you.

Between the both of you, you were the early bird, and would usually be one of the first who arrived, if you didn’t come dragging him by his haori.

Your absence was rubbing him off the wrong way. He’s missed you a lot so he was really hoping to see you today, even if the two of you got into a fight.

While his facade was as perfectly emotionless and stoic as ever, his mind was spiralling deeper into worry. Why weren’t you here? Were you that mad? Were you so pissed that you chose to forgo the meeting because of him?

(Unbeknownst to him, his fellow pillars were looking at him. His face didn’t change, but everyone could see his worry clear as day.)

Oyakata-sama dismisses the meeting after a while, and everyone bows, leaving right after they were assigned with new missions and patrols. Giyuu only had to patrol his region in the evening...maybe he should go look for you?

On his way back to his estate to search for you, he passes by the butterfly estate and sees Tanjirou and his friends helping the girls hang the sheets. Well, it was more like Tanjirou was helping, while Zenitsu and Inosuke quarreled.

Tanjirou immediately notices Giyuu, raising a hand in greeting. He quickly hangs the bedsheet in his hand to rush over to the raven haired man. “Tomioka-san! How are you?”

“Hello Tanjirou.” Giyuu responds as the young demon slayer stands in front of him, adding, “I’m fine.”

“I’m glad! You seem distressed though, is everything alright? Are you worried about (F/N)-san?”

Giyuu doesn’t even try to hide it, simply nodding and feeling a little shy from how Tanjirou could easily read him. “She wasn’t at the meeting earlier. She’s usually there first.”

He places a hand over his chin and nods. “Oh, of course she’s not.”

That was news to him. “What? Do you...know where she is?”

“No…” Tanjirou responds, but his face immediately crumples in on itself, his eyeballs rolling back into his head. Both of them knew he was lying, but Giyuu still feels a little bad that he’s using the boy’s honest and earnest personality to his advantage.

Regardless, He gives the younger boy a look that has Tanjirou looking away abashedly. “I don’t think I’m supposed to say anything…”

“Tanjirou…”

It doesn’t take much for him to cave, and he sighs before telling Giyuu what he knows. “She went out for a mission. I thought you knew, but—” He cuts himself off when his nose detects panic and worry, the smell nearly taking over his senses. “—Ah! But don’t worry, Giyuu-san! This is (F/N)-san, I’m sure she’ll be fine!”

Oh, Giyuu knew you were strong and capable, but with a job as dangerous and unpredictable as theirs, so many things could happen. Right now, he wanted nothing more than to curse his pride. He should have approached you right after, he shouldn’t have let this go on longer than it should have.

The best thing he could do right now was wait for you, and apologize as soon as he sees you.

He hopes he gets the chance.

“You’re right. She’ll be fine.”

Tanjirou wasn’t sure who Giyuu was trying to convince.

As the Snow Hashira, people expected you to be cold, stern, harsh, and while it’s not completely wrong, you were one of the kindest out of all the pillars. You had a heart of gold that shone through and had a smile that could warm even the coldest of hearts. It made it easier for people to approach you despite the initial impression, but everyone found it ironic that the Snow Pillar was one of the warmest, kindest, most genuine slayer from the bunch.

You were proud of your work as a demon slayer—saving lives, and killing the very thing that brought you and so many others so much pain—but the fact that you and your friends walked hand in hand with death was… well, it was a lot to take in.

Death is, and never will be something you think you’ll get used to. It was always painful—knowing that you could have done something to help, or knowing that their death was beyond your power. Whether you liked it or not, it was one of those things that just happened. No matter how much you wanted cheat death, there was no stopping it—

Which was one of the main reasons why you got so mad at Giyuu when he came home to you all bruised and bloody.

Instead of going to the butterfly estate, it was normal that he’d come home straight to you after a particularly challenging mission, in which cases you’d do basic first aid before rushing him to Shinobu. There wasn’t any problem really. There were moments where you would come home to him in a similar state, where he’d be the one giving you first aid, and you were happy he trusted you enough to show you his vulnerable side.

But you were just so painfully reminded of how you became a demon slayer, of how your family sacrificed themselves for your escape. You could see that Giyuu was barely thinking of himself, often throwing himself in harm’s way just to get a mission done.

Seeing someone you love give such little importance to himself made you both sad and angry. It rubbed you the wrong way, and you couldn’t help but burst and get mad at him. The fight escalated quickly, and both of you said things you didn’t mean.

Looking back, it was a little stupid. You reacted irrationally and immaturely when you could have talked it out with him like an adult. You acknowledged that it was mostly your fault, and that you should have been the one to apologize, but you just couldn’t admit your mistake, seeing as you still agreed with how reckless he was being.

So you avoided him, devoting nearly all of your time to your missions.

A few days after you started avoiding him, Oyakata-sama sent for you and assigned a mission that needed an entire day of travel. There was a group of Tsuchinoto’s that weren’t doing too well, and it required you to dispose of the demon and help them in any way you can. While you took the job with no qualms, you were a little apprehensive. You and Giyuu still hadn’t made up, and this mission required at least three days, and that’s taking into account if everything went smoothly, which things rarely did.

It didn’t sit right for you to leave without seeing him, so the morning you planned to leave, you dropped by the Butterfly Estate to see him. You haven’t talked to him for five full days now, and while he didn’t talk a lot, you really missed his company.

You find him sleeping in one of the rooms. A small part of you was hoping that he’d be awake so you could talk a bit, maybe even apologize before you left, but he didn’t even move at all when you opened the door. Considering how much of a light sleeper he was, it was a little surprising that he didn’t stir at all when you sat by the edge of his bed beside him, but he was still recovering from the injuries of his previous battle, so it can hardly be helped. In fact, it worked in your favor, because he didn’t wake up when you pressed a small kiss to his temple.

Softly, you put your forehead against his and press a hand against his cheek, whispering as lightly as you could. “I’ll be going now, but I’ll come back. I love you.”

He was clearly unconscious, but the way he leans closer to your touch made your heart melt and butterflies flood your stomach. Even when you were supposed to be fighting, he could still make you feel this way.

It figures. Snow always did melt quicker in water.

You smile and push the stray hairs away from his face. You let your hand caress his cheek as you memorize his features as best as you could, leaving the room once you've realized that you need to go soon. Turning, you take one last look at Giyuu before closing the door as softly as you could—and coming face to face with dark red eyes.

You let out a small yelp, too late to realize that it was only Tanjirou smiling up at you in confusion.

“Tanjirou-kun! You surprised me!”

“Sorry about that (F/N)-san. I was on my way to check on Nezuko.” He laughs a little bashfully, rubbing the back of his neck. He looks back up at you though when he realizes whose room you were coming out of. “What are you doing coming out of Giyuu-san’s room? Is there something wrong?”

Was there something wrong? Well technically there was, as you two were avoiding each other, but you brush off his concern, finding it a little awkward to explain. “Oh, no! Not at all, I just wanted to see him before leaving for a mission.”

“A mission?”

You nod. “Yes, I’m not sure of all the details yet, but it might take a while.”

“Oh, I see! Please take care (F/N)-san!”

“Thank you Tanjirou-kun, I will. Stay out of trouble alright?”

“Will do!” Tanjirou was quick to deliver a salute, making you giggle despite your heavy heart. Seeing one of the Kamado siblings always made you smile - they were too adorable for their own good.

As you were about to step out the hall, you suddenly remember something.“Ah, by the way Tanjirou-kun, Giyuu was asleep so I didn’t want to bother him, but can you not tell him that I dropped by?”

The young boy seems to be thrown off by your weird request, and tries to question you as politely as he could. You were still his superior after all, and a person he deeply respected. “Eh? Not tell Giyuu-san?”

“Yes.”

Tanjirou was apprehensive—he couldn’t lie for his life after all—but you must have your reasons, so instead, he resolved to just do his best. He was the eldest son! He could do this! “Oh, okay then, I’ll do my best (F/N)-san!”

“Wonderful! Thank you, Tanjirou-kun.”

When Tanjirou finally cracked and told Giyuu where you were, the Water Pillar waited as patiently as he could. He was known for his patience, and for his go with the flow attitude, but when it came to you, he wanted nothing more than to just rush by your side. When he discovered your mission, he was practically itching to run all the way over to you. You leaving for your mission before he nor you could apologize sat terribly in his gut. The only thing tying him down to his post was his sense of duty. He still had missions to attend to here, and unless someone could cover for him, or unless it was a terrible emergency, he couldn’t leave.

It wasn’t that he didn’t trust you as a fellow pillar, but as your boyfriend, he was worried for you. Your fight left a horrible taste in his mouth, and he could never forgive himself if that was the last moment he had with you.

So instead, he sat patiently, going through routine and accomplishing his patrols and missions dutifully.

It wasn’t until a few days later when he learned of what happened to your party.

It was a lower moon, and while that would have been an easy job for you, you had five other slayers to protect and worry about. His crow reported that everyone was quickly brought to the Butterfly Estate, and that was the last thing he needed to hear before bolting from his estate and out to Shinobu’s.

“Where is she?”

Shinobu turns as Giyuu bursts through the doors, her smile as saccharine as ever. “Ah, hello to you too Tomioka-san!”

“Kochou, where is (F/N)?” Giyuu looked about ready to tear down the whole place to look for you, and Shinobu knew that. Regardless, Shinobu’s smile never wavers as she continues to tease him.

“Ara, are you worried about (F/N)-chan?” She continues, but for the first time, it eases him. Shinobu loved pushing his buttons, but she knew when to stop. If she was being like this, you should be alive, at the very least. She doesn’t motion or signal Giyuu to follow her, but he was quick to walk after the Insect Pillar, moving as quick and as fluid as flowing water.

Shinobu stops at a door, and slides it open to reveal you awake, sitting up on the bed. You seemed to be a little bruised and worse for wear with all the bandages and discolored patches of skin, but you were alive and you were breathing, and that’s all what matters to Giyuu right now.

From her periphery, Shinobu could see the relief on Giyuu, and as much as she liked pissing Giyuu off, she knows the feeling and backs off. There was always another time for teasing, she can do that later.

“I’ll leave you two be. Tomioka-san be careful of her injuries, alright?” As promised, the door slides back closed as Shinobu leaves you two be.

After a while, you pat the empty space by the edge of your bed, croaking out a short “Sit with me.”, before Giyuu moves to sit over carefully. When he was settled, his eyes roamed over your skin, quick to assess the number of injuries and thinking how critical and painful each one of them might be.

“Before you say anything,” You start, “I’m sorry.”

Giyuu’s thrown off and his eyes dart from the bloody bandage on your arm to your eyes. “What—”

“I was way out of line, and I overreacted. I was being petty in waiting for you to apologize first, but it should have been me. I’m sorry for overreacting…and for taking this long to apologize.”

“But it doesn’t mean that I'm sorry about everything else!” Because while you were aware you overreacted, it didn’t mean that your feelings came from nowhere. “I can see that I was wrong in the way I approached things but I meant every word when I said that you’re too careless! I hate seeing you in pain and you just reminded me too much of my family and I—”

He interrupts you by taking your hands. Lightly, he traces vague shapes onto the skin of your palm, the rough calluses on his fingertips a nice reminder that he was here, that he was alive, and that you were too. 

“I couldn’t handle the thought of you leaving me. I’m sorry.”

“I’m sorry too.”

The two of you stay quiet, the weight being lifted off of both of your shoulders, until a thought occurs to you that causes you to pull away.

“But you’re not saying anything about your recklessness.” You point out, giving him a light glare, only stopping when a small smile curls around his lips.

He chuckles and the sound goes straight to your heart. “Okay, I promise to stop being too reckless.”

“You better keep that promise, or else I’ll hunt you down myself.” Smiling softly, you place a hand against his cheek and pull him closer. “I missed you.”

Giyuu hums against your touch and a week's worth of not seeing him drives you to press your lips against his mouth. He responds easily, shifting his weight onto himself and holding your body to lighten the strain on you. You hold onto the lapels of his haori as he deepens the kiss, and it was a good thing he was holding you because under normal circumstances, your knees would have buckled.

“(F/N)-chan! It’s time to change your bandages—” Hearing a foreign voice, causes the two of you to turn to the entrance— “Oh dear. I’m so sorry to interrupt!”—only to see Shinobu smiling at  the two of you like a cat that ate the canary.

“Sh-Shinobu-chan! It’s um...”

“Oh, I’m sure it’s exactly what I think hm?” Her smile seems to grow wider, and you feel your face burst into flames. She knew exactly what was going on. “But Tomioka-san, I never would have guessed! How bold of you to do such lewd things to an injured patient! Anyway, I’ll leave you two alone, I’ll drop by again later to change your bandages, (F/N)-chan!”

The sound of the door slamming shut signals Shonbu’s leave and both you and Giyuu were left staring at the space where Shinobu once stood.

Just when things were getting good.

“She did that on purpose.” You announce, and Giyuu nods sympathetically.

“She probably did.”

You sigh but then immediately flinch and clutch your side as it burns from the injury. Giyuu was quick to notice and moves right by your bedside, assisting you in lying back down

“Be careful. You’re mad at me for pushing myself, when you’re just as bad.”

“Hush, you should have seen how you were practically bleeding all over the place.”

“Hashira Tomioka-sama, can we plea—“

“No.”

It’s been two weeks since you left the Butterfly Estate, and as the Snow Pillar, you were well back on the grind patrolling and killing demons once you’ve fully recovered. The young demon slayers you saved though wish they could say the same. While you had some pretty critical injuries yourself, theirs were much worse, with all seven sporting broken bones, and other heavy injuries, but thanks to Shinobu’s medicine, they were on the road to recovery and physical therapy.

When the Oyakata-sama heard of the incident, he was quick to instruct someone to train the weaker demon-slayers.

Giyuu was more than happy to beat these slayers into shape.

Which led them here, Giyuu with a wooden sword in hand and a pile of sore bodies by his feet.

One such body groaned at the dirt floor as he clutched at the side Giyuu hit a little too hard. “We’ve already ran down the mountain, tried to dodge all of the deadly traps, and sparred with you. Surely we could have a short break, sir?”

Giyuu wanted to laugh at the naivety of these young slayers. When Urokodaki trained him and Sabito, they had it much worse, even being thrown down cliffs and waterfalls. And while Giyuu could say that Urokodaki was like a father figure to him, his training regimen was worse than any hell he could have experienced. But now was hardly the time to reminisce, he still had business to do.

He wasn’t one to intentionally intimidate others much, but he’s overheard plenty of rumors about himself. He’s heard that he’s one of the most…intimidating of the pillars, to say the least, and now, he’s not going to shy away from what could be an advantage to his situation.

Slowly, Giyuu walked over to the slayer and crossed his arms, looking straight through his eyes as he quietly spoke. “Your last mission was well-matched for someone of your rank.” He notes. “You hardly needed a Pillar for back-up, and because of your carelessness, she had to protect all five of you which landed the Snow Pillar in the butterfly estate. Now tell me, do you need a break?”

Despite Giyuu speaking in a voice no louder than a river’s burble, he could see the young man cower from slight fear before speaking in a shaky tone, “N-No, Sir!”

“I thought so.” Giyuu lightly clucked his tongue to himself before unfolding his arms. “Reset the traps and run through the mountain again. I'll let all five of you go for the day after.”

“Yes, Sir!” All five of them scrambled from their spot on the ground and scurried back up the mountain, letting himself feel a small morsel of sick satisfaction when he could hear the loud clacks from the traps and the pained grunts upon collision.

“I would say that it’s really nice that you took them in, but now that i’ve seen your face, i’m starting to think that this is on purpose.”

Giyuu was barely surprised to see the Snow Pillar herself right beside him like she was there the entire time. As pillars, both of you were faster and moved more efficiently than the average slayer, so you sneaking up on him was a common occurrence. You never seemed to get used to the opposite though, always claiming that he moved like a ghost.

“Maybe.” He shrugs, a little helplessly, tapping the wooden sword against the ground in a distracted fashion.

You laugh a nice tinkling sound he’s loves hearing, and he’s glad that you’re fine, and that the stupid little fight was resolved. He’s missed you a lot.

The two of you stood there together in silence, wincing when the sound of pained yelps travelled over from the small mountain Giyuu chose for training. A random conversation you had with your boyfriend suddenly entered your thoughts though, and made you wonder out loud. “Are you using the method Urokodaki-san used when he trained you?”

Nodding in affirmation, Giyuu hums in thought. “It was effective for me. And seeing how poorly trained they are from your previous mission, I thought that...” His train of thought short-circuited and was quickly derailed when you lean up on your tiptoes to place a soft kiss on his cheek. Giyuu’s ears immediately flush a deep red.

“You’re too cute, sweetheart.” You say, wrapping your arms around his neck. Seeing the ineffable Water Pillar flustered because of you was always a sight to behold. “Though, you didn’t have do thisfor me either.”

He turns his head away in hopes that you wouldn't see his face, but you simply laugh, and Giyuu feels his heart melt again. “They need to train more if they want to continue as slayers.”

You hum, letting your fingers sift through black strands of hair. “I know, I know, but lighten up, okay? Don’t be too hard on them.”

Giyuu nods as a reply and you place another kiss before pulling away. He wants to pull you back, but the trainees were already stumbling down the treeline, looking worse than they did a few minutes ago. Everyone was sporting new bruises and a few a lot of scratches, but seemed overall fine as they dropped down to the ground, panting for much needed air.

“All of you seem to be working hard.” You say in a kind voice, smiling kindly when their heads whip around to face you.

“Hashira (L/N)-sama!” They greet, scrambling to get up and drop to a bow in front of you. “We’re so glad to see you okay! Thank you for saving us!”

You wave your hand in front of your face, saying, “Oh, it was no problem! I’m glad all of you are okay.”

“All thanks to you. We hope you recovered well.”

“I did, thank you. Now stand up properly. Bowing for too long can’t be good for you all.”

One of them was about to open their mouth to continue the conversation, but Giyuu was quick to interject. “Alright, back to training.”

“Eh?!” All the trainees exclaim. It was clear that they respected the Water Pillar, but it was almost comical in how obvious the feeling of betrayal was in their voices.

“But we just finished!” A young girl among them who looked about ready to melt from exhaustion, points out. Another nods along, stating what Giyuu said earlier, in a hopeless fight for their much deserved break. “Tomioka-sama said we could go after!”

Oh, Giyuu is well aware of what he said. Instead of saying anything though, he feigns innocence, pretending he forgot despite having full intention of letting them go for the day.

He looks at the young slayers emptily, and responds in a deadpan tone. “Did I?”

Giyuu hears you sputter in laughter before punching his shoulder in a pitiful attempt to defend the poor kids. In both of your defenses, their faces were too funny not to laugh.

“Giyuu!”

[ellieswhoreeee]

The Two of Us. pt 2

authors note; thank you guys for the support, it really means a lot to me! Im glad you guys liking the story so far! Anyways, here’s part two! Also, i’d like to apologize in advance for any errors or if something doesn’t make sense. English isn’t my first language so i’m sorry if there’s something wrong :)

Endgame pairings: Ellie Williams x fem! reader.

Warnings: Violence, marijuana, swearing, ect.

———————————————————————

It really hurt seeing them together.

You felt the disappointment, the hurt and the jealousy as they simply talked. Though you know there was a deeper meaning behind their seemingly innocent conversation. You know more than anyone about them. Being one Ellie’s best friends is both a blessing and a curse.

She smiled, looking slightly flustered after Cat whispered something in her ear, and you couldn’t help but clench your jaw at that.

It was a troubling sight, really it was. Everything seemed so off. Like it wasn’t real. But it was. Ellie was laughing with the cool girl who can do tattoos, one of your friends. God, it really felt like you were getting jabbed in the heart over and over again.

But you had no right to jealous at all. She wasn’t yours to be jealous about.

Cat looked around, making sure nobody was looking- but held eye contact with you for a moment before she leaned in and kissed Ellie on the lips. That’s when you finally looked away, continuing to fix Gemini’s saddle.

Gemini was tied to the fence by the barn and was close to the fence. Other horses lined up beside his right side. Today’s group was getting to leave for the morning. Earlier than usual.

Mondays are rough.

“How long have they been together now?” Jesse asked when he walked over to you as you were packing up for patrol. You turned to look at him so you could have an actual conversation. He looked directly into your eyes, almost as if he was trying to figure you out. Jesse was someone who could see everything with one look. You kinda hated him for knowing so much about how you felt about Ellie without telling him much about it.

“…I wanna say 2 months, but we both know it’s been longer than that.” You replied with a frown, continuing to distract yourself by finishing to prep Gemini for patrol.

“Y/n, could you stop looking so miserable? It’s starting to bum me out.”

You chuckled lightly, finally stepping away from Gemini and decided to lean against the wooden fence beside your horse. Jesse decided to the same, and he leaned against it with you. You looked down at your hands, deciding to pick at your cuticles just so you wouldn’t look at the couple. “Why don’t you look just as miserable as me? Didn’t Dina break up with you? Again.”

“Ouch, you really know how to turn on certain emotions.”

“I’m serious. Like, i haven’t been broke up with, yet here i am…” You paused, you stopped picking at your cuticles just to look across the street, where the couple was. Happily minding their business. Ellie and Cat were talking and laughing sweetly. Again, with that pain in your chest. “Utterly heartbroken.”

Jesse patted you on the back, it was his way of comforting you since he had no idea how else to help. “It won’t get easier. One moment you think you’re stronger than whatever you’re feeling but then… you realize it doesn’t matter how good you hide it. If you keep on hiding it, the pain will get to you before you can express those feelings properly.”

“I’m gonna be honest Jesse… I have no idea what you mean by that.”

“Of course you don’t…” He mumbled with a laugh. Again he patted you on the back and pushed himself off the fence. “Think about it clearly.” He then walked off, somewhere towards Maria and some other adults.

Again, you and Gemini were left alone together.

You couldn’t help but think about what Jesse brought up earlier. What did he mean by that? You’re not sure how to process what he meant. Either you were completely clueless- or Jesse tried to be all wise but failed.

“Y/n! Come over here.” You heard Maria’s voice, which broke you from your trance. You left Gemini tied to the post as you walked over to Maria and some other people. Mila and Benji smirk at you as you walk closer. Mila and Benji are your close friends and have been for a while. Though you haven’t seen them lately because of work. Everyone is extra busy lately. Mostly.

“Look who finally decided to join us.” Benji remarked as he wrapped his arm around you once you were close. He pulled you closer and walked towards Maria’s table that was used for placing maps for patrol.

You pushed him off of you gently and made a grossed out face at him. “You really stink, Benji. When was the last time you took a shower?”

Benji only smiled and raised his left arm up to smell his armpit and his clothes too. “It’s my natural musk, all the ladies love it.”

You and Mila looked at each other simultaneously. It was as if you were on the same wavelength. Both of your rolled your eyes at him. “As a lady, i will be speaking for everyone when i say you smell nasty.” Mila exposed truthfully while crossing her arms on her chest.

“Hold up, you’re not a lady, you’re a brute.”

“Oh, i’m the brute? You haven’t taken a proper shower in weeks. Jumping into lakes and rivers don’t count.”

“Says who? It’s more natural,”

“More like nasty.”

You ignored the two bickering idiots and moved closer to the table where Maria was. “What were you thinking Maria?” You asked, looking down at the map of the area. It stretched out for miles.

She looked up at you. “Have you ever done the urban trails? It leads up to the dam checkpoint.”

You shook your in response. “I haven’t. Do you want me to take that route? You should pair me up with someone who’s done that trail then.”

There’s a lot of trails, so there are at least 10 or 15 trails you’ve never done before. These type of trails are the longer routes. The reason you haven’t done those routes is because Tommy isn’t that confident in you to take on the longer routes.

But now it was different, not only are you older but more capable of handling yourself more than anyone.

“You’re right…” Maria paused, she was thinking, trying to slowly put some pieces together. “But there isn’t anyone on duty right now who knows the trails that i can think of.”

Jesse’s head perked up at what she said, smirking at you from across the table. He was right next to Maria like always. She trusts him a lot because he was also a natural leader. “Actually, Ellie knows that trail.”

You instinctively felt your heartbeat start to speed up, and your face started to warm up at his insinuation. You knew what he was doing. “Ellie and Dina are already planning on running their routes on chestnut drive. I can take a group and we’ll figure it out together.” You intervened, giving Jesse a look that said, ‘shut up’.

“No, Jesse is right. You and Ellie can take the urban trails. It’ll be much faster with you two clearing that area. We can’t send a group to one trail- especially not now when we’ve been getting reports of infected in the southern territories- the opposite direction of urban trails.”

You sighed, knowing that her words were always final. You scratched the back of your neck- feeling an inch. “I’ll go let Ellie know. Jesse talk to Dina.” You give him another glare and just he smiled, sending a wink your way.

You turned around, looking over at where Cat and Ellie were still talking. Lately, things have been awkward between you two. It may have something to do with the fact that you maybe- just maybe that you were avoiding her.

It didn’t really matter, Ellie hasn’t noticed anything differently anyways. Or so you assumed.

“Ellie!” At the sound of your voice she quickly turned away from her girlfriend. She dropped Cats hands and fully turned to face you. Her full attention was now on you. But of course, you didn’t notice that either. “Assignments! Let’s go, kiss your girlfriend goodbye and get your ass on shimmer!”

It was getting easier to hide your feelings, even your distain for the couple and how you felt about Ellie.

“Fuck… Alright, just give me a minute!”

You gave her a thumbs up, and turned away. You walked towards your horse, seeing Jesse waiting there for you. He must have finished talking with Dina. He held out a hunting rifle and a shotgun towards you. He looked between both guns. “Which one do you prefer?” He questioned.

You smiled, looking at both guns. “Quite the tough question, Jes.”

Ellie walked up behind you, looking right over your shoulder. She was so close to you. Your breathe hitched lightly as she observed both guns. “I think you’re more of a rifle girl. It suits you more than a shotgun.”

Jesse grinned, and his eyes sparkled for a moment when you looked at him. He then nodded, agreeing with what Ellie had said. “That settles that then.” He held the rifle for you to take, which you did. Jesse then passed the shotgun to Ellie.

With the help of the sling, you tossed the rifle over your shoulder. Ellie was staring at you, trying desperately to get your attention without having to say anything but you were occupied with Gemini once again. She sighed, and decided to just start the conversation.

“So… Where have you been lately? I haven’t seen you around, not even in the mess hall.” Ellie hesitated but walked over to Gemini’s mane. You were by his saddle, and when you stared into her eyes it felt like it was only you and her. Instinctively, your eyes trailed from her eyes to her lips. You couldn’t help it. She was so close. Ellie shyly looked down at her hands as she continued to mess with Gemini’s mane. “I’ve uh… Missed hanging out with you. We still haven’t finished our halo campaign.”

You bit the inside of you cheek, and decided that laughing nervously would help ease your nerves. “Yeah, i’m sorry about that. I asked Maria for more assignments since… You know, i have nothing better to do.”

Ellie wanted to say something but held her tongue. She wanted to say something to continue your conversation but you interrupted her instead. “Listen, Maria wants you and me to handle the urban trails. Pretty sure we have to replace Danny and Axel at the dam checkpoint …”

“You and i,” Ellie corrected suddenly, making you stare at her in disbelief and confusion. She gave you a smirk. “You said ‘you and me’ but that isn’t proper grammar.”

You rolled your eyes playfully at her. “Fuck off, Williams. Did you even listen to a word i said?”

“So, we’re back to last names? Since when?”

“Since you decided to be a grammar queen, you dick.”

“Woah! Language, there are children around, L/n!”

“The only child i see is you.” You replied with a happy smile on your face. You and Ellie climbed on your horses and waited by the gates. Ellie continue to talk to you like nothing was wrong- well, not like she knew if there was something wrong anyways. You kept stuff to yourself.

You missed this. You missed hanging out with Ellie. You just… Missing having her by your side, kicking the worlds ass together but now… Ellie was with Cat. Her relationship put a wedge on your friendship. You felt farther away to Ellie then ever.

Everything has changed. Which sucked because you weren’t sure how to deal with the changes. It was all going by so fast. You just wished everything was different. It was selfish of you but… You didn’t care.

“Y/n, you with me?” Ellie snapped you out of your thoughts. She looked back at you as the gates opened.

You nodded. “Always.”

[ms-demeanor]

Some meandering thoughts about jokes about rape and cultural changes in the last decade and a half

Like, don’t get me wrong, I’m really glad we’re in a place now where we DO question rape jokes and it would be much harder to get away with “raping Jonah Hill is incredibly amusing” as the center of a scene the way that you could in 2007-2013 but I do kind of feel like we don’t talk about how sudden that change was enough.

People talk about how you should have always known that awful things are awful but if you’re surrounded by rape jokes and pedophilia jokes all the time and that’s what’s funny to the other kids around you and the adults in your lives and what makes up the jokes in the movies you watch then it’s hard to act like you always knew it was wrong.

Dead baby jokes were a HUGE thing when I was a teen and in my early twenties and sitting around swapping dead baby jokes was just a thing we did, and tossed in among them were things like:

A joke about incest with the punchline “Get off me pa, you’re crushing my smokes.”

This joke about a pedophile murdering a child.

Let’s not turn this rape into a murder.

And hell, look at the activity graph for “soap on a rope” on urban dictionary:

2014 starts a significant taper.

Letterboxd has their “sexual assault against men played for comedy page” and if you sort by release date there’s a downward trend with 2014 as a really stand-out year for rape jokes about men in popular movies:

2010 - 10

2011 - 12

2012 - 14

2013 - 12

2014 - 18 (jesus, which includes a prison rape joke in “Paddington”)

2015 - 9

2016 - 9

2017 - 11

2018 - 15

2019 - 4

2020 - 1

(this is of course with the caveat that this is only what has been documented so far)

Shock porn sites used to be a thing and they used to be a COMMON thing. A thing that would get remixed and have late night hosts make jokes about them and that got parody music videos.

So on the one hand I was really glad that in 2010 the hacker conference WASN’T asking me to make a rape joke on their tee shirt, but since Pool 2 Girl came up at every single “this is what defcon is about” discussion and some of the guys from the con had printed up “lemonparty.org” stickers to slap up around town it wouldn’t have been *surprising* if they’d been asking for that.

If you were a teenager in 2005 would you have known how much of a dick move goatse-ing people was? We didn’t have the same culture of trigger warnings (not that I disapprove of trigger warnings, they are good and I like them) and there was very much an attitude online at the time of “if you can’t handle it log off.”

I think the fappening was the turning point for a lot of this stuff - I think that was a big cultural moment that changed a lot of people’s attitudes really quickly and I’m seeing echos of that with what Chris Evans is dealing with right now: people are a lot faster to say “oh, that sucks, don’t be an asshole, report people for posting the pics” while I remember sitting and arguing in an imgur thread because there were a bunch of people saying “if you don’t like it don’t take nudes” about the celebrities who got caught in the icloud leak.

People look at Shane Dawson’s (admittedly gross and incredibly inappropriate) behavior with a poster of Willow Smith and act like it’s unprecedented***** but as someone who remembers not only Olsen Eighteenth Birthday countdowns but ALSO the jokes about fucking the Olsen twins that came BEFORE they were legal that’s just bizarre. Seeing people my age and older react to James Gunn’s pedophilic twitter jokes like they’re worse than Jay Leno’s jokes about Michael Jackson (which were made on TV! Across America! On a major network!) is just. It’s bizarre.

I’m glad we are where we are now, I’m glad that making rape jokes in public or jokes about incest or pedophilia (or murder or abortion) is less common and less okay (especially in children’s media, jesus fuck) and more likely to get criticized.

But I’m also pretty sure I’m going to get called a rape apologist by *someone* for saying “2010 was a different time, rape jokes were more common and we didn’t realize how shitty it was” when it really was a different time and rape jokes were more common and most people didn’t realize how shitty it was. I sure didn’t. I do now, and I’m glad I do now. But pretending that we should have ALWAYS known this, pretending that this was NEVER acceptable, pretending that it WASN’T a different time is ignoring the fact that for over a decade there was an entire genre of pedophilic rape jokes (that were frequently also racist) centered around one celebrity and that people told these jokes in public and in pop culture *all the time.*

Does that make it right? Fuck, I don’t know, shit is relative. It was still largely acceptable to electrocute gay kids and people tossed around the word “faggot” pretty freely. Mean Girls is full of jokes about how awful it is for people to think you’re a lesbian and Superbad is full of jokes about getting people shitfaced so they’ll sleep with you (so date rape) and there’s an entire “cute comedy” from the 80s starring Kurt Russel and Goldie Hawn that’s an extended rape-by-fraud joke. I think that as a whole we’re better now as people than we were in 2010 and the 90s and the 80s and the 50s and I don’t think that someone who made a sexist joke in the 80s is irredeemably evil and I don’t think people making rape jokes in the 2010s are rape apologists in 2020 and I wish there was a lot more understanding of both history and nuance in these conversations.

*****to be very, very clear Shane Dawson has been filmed kissing underage fans on the mouth and having explicit sexual conversations with his very young cousin - Dawson has done things that go beyond “inappropriate” and fall clearly into “wrong” “bad” “dangerous” “illegal” etc, which is all the more reason that it’s so strange to see people focusing on him fake masturbating on a poster of Willow Smith. YES doing that was gross but why is it even being compared to the way he’s been filmed interacting with fans? The lack of nuance, making “fake masturbating at a poster” and “creating a sexually abused puppet character” the same as “inappropriately touched and kissed minor fans and engaged a young child in explicit sexual conversations” is NOT GOOD. That is a bad thing. Two of those things are tasteless and two of those things are actively harmful and it’s the actively harmful stuff that we should be focusing on and part of why it’s really weird to see shit like “pizzagate conspiracist accuses James Gunn of making inappropriate jokes” like yes Gunn please don’t but can we maybe refocus and talk about the dude who can be pretty significantly assigned blame for a fucking shooting? https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2018/aug/01/james-gunn-alt-right-marvel-film-director-tweets

Actually, you know what, I thought I was done ranting, I’m not.

It’s purity culture.

YES you should attempt to do less harm with your language, YES you should attempt to not use slurs, YES you should try to avoid making rape jokes. But there’s an entire huge group of people who are willing to drag up rape jokes from a decade when rape jokes were REALLY REALLY common in order to say that nothing you say or do today matters.

And that same group is ALSO really interested in expanding the concept of what pedophilia is to include age differences in adults or liking the wrong style of drawing and it’s a purity culture silencing tactic and can we PLEASE stop pretending that gross, tasteless jokes are the same thing as actually sexually abusing people? Can we stop pretending that pointing out “rape jokes were more common fifteen years ago and I feel bad about it but that’s just the way it was and I don’t make jokes like that anymore” is the same as saying “rape isn’t bad and you shouldn’t make a big deal out of it.”

It’s always good to try to be a less shitty human but if you’re only allowed to grow and improve and be less shitty if you never fucked up in the first place then it’s all just calvinist bullshit and none of us could ever really be saved in the first place.

I dunno, dudes. We got so careful about disapproving of the wrong kind of language that we let a white supremacist concern troll Disney into firing a director who caught the attention of the alt right by shit-talking the president.

I think perhaps we need to reexamine some strategy here.

[writcraft]

Hello! How would compare and contrast Snarry vs Drarry? Since you have (beautifully!) written both, I’d love to hear your thoughts on the dynamics of these two ships. Thank you!

Hello Anon, thank you for this lovely message and what a topic!

I have set out below the cut why I think the dynamics differ but also some of the similarities and it got very, very long. Yikes.

DRACO

Draco is privileged, from a wealthy, pureblood, old wizarding family and immersed in magic from childhood. He's the kind of popular where he has his crew and doesn't really care if the Gryffindors don't like him, he is athletic and bright and he is described in a way that suggests he is attractive. Up until the point things really start to go wrong for Draco, he leads a relatively charmed life. He is a product of his upbringing, of his upper class status, he experiences a childhood where he is spoiled, loved and doted on, albeit he appears to be subject to high expectations of academic excellence and sporting prowess. With his friends he appears to be something of the ringleader and generally liked. He gravitates towards Voldemort because it's really all he's known, he's born into it. At first it seems Draco's views are driven by his desire to protect the things he values (wealth, status, power) and the privilege he has become accustomed to and, in the end, he sticks around primarily out of fear and self preservation. Draco exhibits moments of cowardice.

SEVERUS

Severus has an entirely different upbringing. He is working class, has a tense relationship with his parents, he is disliked and bullied at school which leaves him isolated, he gravitates towards solitary intellectual pursuits and he is described in a way that suggests he is supposed to be unattractive (although this reader would argue he has a certain magnetic charge). Lily aside, his relationships as a child seem to be shaped by a fascination with the power that comes with wealth and elitism, something he has never experienced. Sirius describes him as Lucius Malfoy's 'lap dog' and it is telling that Lucius is much older, a Prefect when Severus starts Hogwarts. He is radicalised in a way and gravitates towards Voldemort through a greedy hunger for power, a desire for revenge and a desperate desire to change his lot in life. He stays because, well, we all know why he stays. Severus is brave but grudgingly, acerbically so. The deepest insult he confronts is being called a coward by Harry.

FIRST ENCOUNTERS

Aside from the differences in their characters, the way Harry encounters Severus and Draco is completely different. When we meet Severus in canon, he is bitter, angry, jealous, grieving and indebted to Dumbledore. He is also in a position of power as Harry's professor. When we meet Draco, he is Harry's peer but he is also full of himself, an arrogant little shit who thinks the world is his for the taking and he thinks very little of Dumbledore, because father says...

This shapes Harry's encounters with them both. Severus approaches Harry with animosity, venom and a legacy of hurt that Harry doesn't yet understand. Severus places no weight on Harry's celebrity, he actively resents and despises it. Draco, by contrast, values Harry's celebrity initially. He wants to be friends with the wizarding world's brightest star and the animosity that follows between them flows directly from the sting of Harry's initial rejection.

ONGOING RELATIONSHIP

Severus wilfully misunderstands Harry. He draws connections between Harry and James based solely on their striking physical similarities and (incorrectly) ascribes the characteristics of James to Harry. He is tasked with protecting Harry but he does so always through gritted teeth. The curse of Severus Snape is to spend his life protecting someone who represents everything he despised as a child and yet the only person who can give a dying man that last connection to his one true friend.

Draco sees Harry more clearly but his perspective is shaped by jealousy and the sting of that first encounter, which leads him to make fun of Harry's circumstances and the people he associates himself with. He doesn't misunderstand Harry in the way Severus does, but he also doesn't know him fully.

MAGICAL CONNECTIONS

The magic that connects Harry, Draco and Severus is fascinating. Harry famously uses Sectumsempra on Draco without knowing what impact it will have. He then intentionally uses the same spell on Severus (unsuccessfully) knowing exactly the damage it will do. Not only does the use of the spell in both instances show us a darker side to Harry, but the spell was also created by Severus and he is the one that helps Draco after the spell has been cast. I could write an essay on the links this spell creates between those three characters.

Expelliarmus is another one. Severus teaches Harry this spell and in doing so, equips him with his most powerful tool in the fight against Voldemort. Harry disarms Draco of his wand and the implications of that in terms of the final battle are intrinsically connected to the 'signature move' of Harry's in battle, which is all about gaining possession of the wand of the attacker as opposed to trying to target the attacker themselves.

Avada Kedavra is also something that binds the three of them. Harry witnesses Draco failing to cast the Killing Curse, and simultaneously witnesses Severus easily casting it. This also is part of the broader relationship Harry, Draco and Severus have to Dumbledore. Harry and Severus are willing pawns in the master plan but neither are fully equipped with all the information they need. Draco ends up unwittingly being part of the plan but he is never a soldier of Dumbledore's Army in the way Harry explicitly is and Severus, with a gnashing of his teeth, also is.

Finally, one of the important similarities between Severus and Draco is they are both skilled Occlumens, something Harry is notoriously rubbish at. This skill suggests both are better able to bury and compartmentalise their emotions whereas Harry is unable to do so with any success and this plays into the fact that in both ships, Harry is likely to be the more demonstrative, wearing his heart on his sleeve in a way both Draco and Severus can better disguise/suppress.

DIFFERENT DYNAMICS

With all of the above the dynamics between Drarry and Snarry will always have a different slant, even if Harry himself is essentially the same. By way of sweeping overstatement, Snarry tends to skew darker and heavier because there is much more to overcome, but by contrast Severus has also spent his 'canon' years protecting Harry which creates this bitter 'Guardian Angel' type dynamic that, if you ship it, can be intensely romantic when they encounter one another again as adults.

The age difference lends itself to different dynamics too. Harry and Draco have that potential for young, dumb and in love, working things out, exploring, eighth year and spin the bottle sort of stuff that Snarry doesn't really have in the same way. It feels more natural that Harry and Draco would encounter one another as peers from the same year group, so part of the battle with Snarry is working out how Harry and Severus end up in the same spaces together in adulthood (Snape's canon death being a pesky inconvenience). The age difference raises another important difference in dynamic too, when it comes to the experience of Severus and Draco as gay or bisexual men, if you apply Muggle attitudes to same-sex relationships that have shifted over time.

The age difference is also relevant because there is a capacity for Draco to change his ways as he grows up, but Severus has already long changed his political beliefs and we know Severus as an adult in canon. That's not to say adults can't change their beliefs of course, but because his adult character exhibits moments of real cruelty you have a challenge around how this irascible, often mean, sharp-tongued character can give Harry what he yearns for when it comes to affection, love, family, security and so on.

There are hurdles to overcome with both ships and although the core 'enemies to lovers' starting point may create a similar overarching dynamic, the roots of those hurdles, the scale of them and the ways and ease with which they get resolved will differ because ultimately Draco and Severus are very different characters with quite polarised life experiences. They have some similarities, Occlumency aside, such as fostering beliefs during childhood they reject around the same time in their lives, albeit for very different reasons. Both are Slytherins who, their magical skills would suggest, are capable of pushing their emotions down in a way Harry can't, when everything for him is raw, on the surface, now, even though they both also unleash their emotions at various points. They are both prone to dramatics, to anger, to pettiness, to humour and in many respects, Harry is prone to those things too. In general though, I believe Draco and Severus would approach a relationship with Harry quite differently.

I don't think there's any one easy way to pinpoint the different dynamics in general because there is a huge variety of ways these three can be presented in fanfic, with its own plot, worldbuilding, external factors and so on. There are so many different directions you could go in with Snarry and Drarry so I'm only speaking from some of the things that strike me not only about the Severus/Harry and Draco/Harry connections/potential hurdles but also about the links between the three of them. Ultimately I think there is opportunity for deep connection, discovery, levity, passion and of course, delicious angst and UST with both ships, but they tend to manifest a little differently for all the reasons outlines about.

There's so much more I can say, but I'll leave it there. Thank you, Anon!

[streetlight11]

Her Promise

Summary: It wasn’t a secret that you have disliked Sangyeon since you were in diapers. He was your mother’s best friend’s son. Though he was born just 27 days after you, it seems like he was a lot older than you in terms of his maturity. You don’t understand why the bad blood between you two. Until one day, you had been arranged for a marriage with him so suddenly.

Theme: arranged marriage au, enemies to lovers

Genre: angst, sad, fluff

Warnings: mentions of leukaemia, death, alcohol, swearing

WC: 10k

Pairing: Lee Sangyeon x Fem!Reader

a/n: Hello! This plot just randomly came to mind. It's kind of sad and a little angsty but you'll get through reading it. I promise! also, the words in italics is a flashback :)

Your family has been a close family friend to the Lee’s family and that was because your mother and Mrs Lee were best friends since high school. Also the reason why you were only 27 days older than Mr and Mrs Lee’s only son. However, not everyone has a happy friendship. In this case, it was you and the said son. His name was Lee Sangyeon and it was pretty obvious that you two could never get along since you were in diapers.

Despite your mothers being best friends and have been for the past 30 years, give or take. It’s no wonder that when they were pregnant with the both of you, they kept fighting with each other over small silly things when they barely got past even the slightest of arguments throughout their friendship.

And yet, it seems like luck was never on your side to begin with because throughout your whole education life up till today, he always ends up in your school or at least the school that you chose specifically hoping to be as far from him as possible.

It always baffles you how he would be the first person you spot amongst the crowd during the first day of school.

Did he do all these on purpose?

Why would he go to this extent just to annoy you if you both hated each other?

Maybe he didn’t in fact do this on purpose, but still, what are the odds that you end up in the same campus amongst the hundreds of schools available? That was a mystery you never plan on solving.

It was a bright Tuesday afternoon, students were scattered all over the large campus of Hangang University. You had just parked your car in a free space, exiting your vehicle before proceeding to lock it and walk towards the Computer Science building. You were halfway through the parking lot when someone suddenly swung an arm over your shoulder.

“Good morning my favourite person in the world!” Lisa giggled to your left as Rosie appeared on your right with her usual beaming smile that could melt hearts with just a glance.

“Hey girls, you’re early” You asked with a soft chuckle knowing Lisa was always late for class.

“Yeah, I wanted to leave my apartment now like I always do but Rosie begged me to drive her today because her baby is in the workshop.” Lisa huffs, only for the blonde girl on your right to defend herself.

“Hey, at least we got here on time. You’re welcome.”

With that, Lisa stuck out her tongue at Rosie, earning a laugh from you. The three of you continued to walk to the CS building, only to find Jennie and Jisoo chatting by the lockers while Jennie scavenged through her locker.

“Ew, is it just me or is the barbeque chicken a little dry today?” Jisoo scowls as she drops the chicken leg back onto her plate.

“No, I agree. It’s foul.” Lisa’s face contorts in disgust before you speak up.

“Do you guys want my salmon instead? I'm kind of full already.” You said, only to find them staring at you in concern. They began asking you if you were feeling okay and if you needed any medication of any sorts. To which you shook your head and just told them you were already full from the breakfast your mother made for you before she left for work with your dad.

Lisa and Jisoo ended up sharing your salmon piece, making you smile. At least your food wouldn’t be wasted, you thought.

A few hours later, your classes for the day were finally over. All you know is that your bed has been waiting for your arrival since the minute you left for school. You left class slightly later, telling the girls you had something to discuss with your lecturer regarding the assignment.

You told them to just head home first and not wait for you.

Almost 20 minutes later, you finally left the lecture room to head towards the parking lot where you had parked your car earlier. Your mind was clouded with the assignment requirements as you scrolled through the soft copy of the assignment through your email, too caught up in your thoughts to notice the group of boys walking down the hall.

That wasn’t until your shoulder roughly collided against someone’s back. It sent your whole body to stumble back from the impact. You were about to apologize when you heard a snicker coming from whoever it was.

So you glanced up and lord behold, it was just the person you were looking for…

Not really.

“Can you pay attention to where you walk? It’s not that hard to use your eyes.” Sangyeon’s voice was monotonous yet a pitch higher than others, just like his ego.

“That’s because you’re in my way, Lee.” You said sarcastically as you walked past him, not forgetting to purposely bump into his arm. He let out a scoff under his breath, fiery glare burning a prominent hole into the back of your head.

God, you can be such a pain in the ass sometimes. Him included.

A few days later, it was finally a Friday. You heard words going around campus saying that one of the seniors in the school’s football team was having a frat party at his place tonight. He invited everyone in the football team, and people that he knew. Turns out he also told his teammates to bring whoever they wanted whether he knows them or not.

Lucky for you (or maybe not), Rosie’s boyfriend happens to be one of the football players. If you remember correctly, his name is Yunhyeong.

And so you already know where this is going.

Hence, the reason why you were now standing right outside the house where the party was held.

No doubt the house was a beautiful landed property at the hills that overlooked the city, it still didn’t give you complete comfort knowing that you would be surrounded by drunk young adults who have no care in the world once the alcohol takes over their system.

Sure you sometimes go to these parties but you weren’t really that type of girl. It’s always an unpleasant surprise to others who aren't your girls, when you decline their offers of alcohol saying you don’t drink.

Though there were instances where you’d have some people still insisting on giving you a drink, you rejected them firmly whether they liked it or not.

And today was no different.

One moment, you were talking to your friends. Another moment, and you were suddenly left alone by the kitchen island. Isolating yourself from the countless intoxicated bodies, dancing freely without a single care in the world.

It suddenly dawned on you that you were indeed alone, with no other individual that you recognize in that huge house. Your friends were scattered around the main living area, each of them either with their significant other or just randomly hooking up with someone. Using alcohol as an excuse to be brave and approach someone at a party like this.

You sighed, reaching into your back pocket to fish for your phone. You were so close to texting them you wanted to head home first, when a deep voice broke your little bubble of thoughts.

“Hey… Y/N right?” The handsome boy asked as he smiled down at you softly.

He clearly didn’t seem too drunk, nor was he completely sober like you.

“Yeah… you are?” You asked, hoping you didn’t sound like a bitch.

“I’m Changkyun. I see your friends have left you so I thought maybe you’d want some company?”

Well, at least he’s being considerate enough.

“About that… I was actually about to-” As you were talking, your eyes were searching the room for at least one of the girls. But instead, your gaze was locked on a specific individual who was leaning against the staircase railings just staring at you with a subtle frown on his face, making your voice halt in your throat.

It was Sangyeon.

You should’ve known he would be there tonight. He’s the freaking midfielder in Hangang U’s soccer team for goodness sake!

For some reason, the moment you met his eyes, it was as though you got sucked into a black hole with no way to escape. That wasn’t until the warm touch on your arm made you jolt away and soon turned back to Changkyun who was now staring at you with worry.

“Hey? You okay? What’s wrong?” He asked, hoping he didn’t scare you away by that simple touch.

“Y-Yeah… Sorry Changkyun, but I think I’m gonna head home. See you around.” You gave him a sincere smile before turning to leave after he said his goodbye.

There is no way you’re gonna stay there any longer. It’s not like you were drunk or anything. Not like you’d expected him to show up in black leather pants, dark grey button down shirt tucked in, his sleeves rolled up to his elbows, his hair parted close to the middle to frame his face and show his forehead, attractively. And definitely not like you felt as though your stomach was doing a flip in your abdomen after seeing him there physically.

Right?

No. You still hate him. He’s just a walking nuisance in your life. You don’t feel anything for him. Maybe he needs to stop appearing in your line of vision every 5 minutes.

It’s been two weeks since that frat party in which you had texted your friends saying you were already at home. Of course you didn’t get a response immediately but they still replied to you the next morning, telling you they were safe and they were glad that you were too.

It was a rainy Wednesday afternoon where students were all stuck on campus with nowhere to go. You were just seated at a wooden table alone with your laptop and scattered notes on the surface when the ray of sunlight that was previously shining down on you, got blocked by a figure.

You glanced up and not surprisingly, it was Sangyeon. He was alone. For once. He was always with his friends, so you wondered why he chose to walk around alone today.

“What?” You asked nonchalantly before looking back down at your laptop.

You heard a scoff from him only for him to speak up, “Did your parents tell you?”

You got confused as you looked back up to him and blinked, incredulously at what he just asked you.

“Tell me what?” You asked. He wasn’t sure if he was faking it or not but he figured with how genuinely confused you look, it was quite clear you weren’t pretending to not know what he was referring to.

“My parents are coming over to your home this weekend to discuss ‘something serious’. I’m not going. I’m not about to sit there and listen to what the ‘something serious’ is, let alone sit there trapped and stare at you the whole night.” Sangyeon said blankly as he burned holes in your head.

“Good. I wouldn’t want you there anyway.” You scoffed, only for him to push himself off the table and smoothed down his shirt.

Sangyeon left without saying anything else, watching as he turned his head as though in search of his friends. However, the minute you looked back down at your laptop, it seems like you missed the way he glanced at you subtly before turning back in front.

That same day, you went home to find your parents in the living room. Your father was watching the news on the flat screen tv while your mother was just watering the potted plants on the shelves.

The minute you stepped into the living room, your father turned to you and smiled brightly, “Oh, sweetie you’re back. We wanted to tell you that Mr and Mrs-” but before he could finish, you did it for him, stunning them in the process.

“-Lee are coming over this weekend to discuss ‘something serious’... I know.”

With that, your mother and father glanced at each other before a smile appeared on their faces again. You already knew what they were about to ask so you beat them to it.

“Sangyeon told me… So what’s so serious that they wanna come over here and talk about it?” You asked, not knowing what to expect but all you got was silence.

“We have to wait till everyone’s there.”

“Not everyone’s gonna be there…” You said.

“What do you mean?” Your mother asked.

“Sangyeon said he’s not coming. He doesn't want to.”

“B-But, he has to be there. It’s important.”

“What’s so important that he has to be there for?” Your voice laced with annoyance at the thought of having to sit in a room with him for minutes too long. Your parents got quiet before your mother spoke up again but for some reason, her voice sounded weak.

“You’ll know on Saturday.” She gave you a weak smile. Too weak to the point that she almost looks… pale?

Why is she pale?

But your mind was too jumbled up with what the main topic for this said family dinner would revolve around. Hence, why you were now sprinting up the steps and to your room. You didn’t want to think about it anymore. You just hoped the weekend passes by before you know it.

Saturday came in a flash and to say you were ready for whatever family gathering this was, is definitely a lie. You were curious. You were desperate to know just what important business is there to discuss with you and Sangyeon. Despite knowing he won’t be there for whatever this meeting is about, it still rendered you curious on just how important this said matter is.

You were told to look presentable even though you’ll just be at home. So you pulled out the nicest outfit you could find and just opted for a simple blouse and your denim jeans.

Once you were done getting ready, you left your room only to hear your mother calling out to you from downstairs, “Y/N sweetie, the Lee’s are here!”

You made your way down the marbled steps, ready to greet the elder couple when your eyes fell on their son who clearly said he wasn’t going to be here. But of course, it looked like he had been forced against his own will to be here and you were right.

“Oh! My sweet Y/N! It’s been so long. How are you my dear?” Mrs Lee asked as you broke your gaze from Sangyeon only to smile happily when you looked at his parents.

“Hello Mr and Mrs Lee. I’m doing well despite my crazy uni life. I hope you’re both well and healthy!” You said as Mrs Lee hugged you warmly like how she had been doing since you were young.

After greeting them, the 6 of you began walking to your dining room. You then turned to Sangyeon who was walking beside you, only to ask out of curiosity, “Didn’t you say you weren’t gonna come?”

With that, he turns to you and shoots daggers at you through his glare but it does nothing to scare you away.

“Do I look like I wanna be here?”

“Clearly.” You said, just to get on his nerves and it did.

“Fuck you.”

“I’d gladly fuck myself too.”

Sangyeon frowns at your comment despite knowing it was sarcastic. But he still found it amusing that it came out from your mouth. Sure you’ve cursed him a lot of times when you fought with him, but this was a different thing.

All of you finally sat down in the dining room, you helped your mother set the table.

A few minutes went by and everyone was just chatting amongst one another. Well, more specifically the elders while you and Sangyeon simply sat there across each other in silence. You were absentmindedly picking on your food, suddenly losing appetite.

All you wanted was for them to start discussing the very important business. Which is why your patience has run thin, making you blurt out the question that has been floating in your head since Wednesday.

“What’s the important thing you called me and Sangyeon here for?”

The room fell silent as you kept your eyes on your plate of untouched food. Completely ignoring the way Sangyeon had his eyes trained on you. After what felt like hours, your mother finally announced it.

It made your heart stop for a moment.

“We have decided to marry you off with Sangyeon.”

That was the last thing you ever wanted to hear from them. Never did you expect it to be this. Why were they doing this to you? Of course you know you’re single and not dating anyone but still… How could they?

“What?!” Both you and Sangyeon said in unison.

Tension filled the air, thick in its wake. You couldn’t look elsewhere except for your mother who had announced the news.

“You’ve got to be kidding me…” You mumbled under your breath as Sangyeon got up, letting the chair drag painfully across the wooden floor. His mother grabbed his wrist to stop him but he roughly yanked his wrist from her and simply replied with his firm answer, “There’s no way I’m marrying her. I’m out.”

Sangyeon stormed out and you were so tempted to do the same but all you could do was glare at your parents in disbelief.

“Sweetie-” Your mom began but you were quick to interject.

“No! That’s not happening! Mom, you know we hate each other! How can you ask me to marry him when I don’t even love him?!” Your voice was raised as you stood up from your seat. Blood boils in your veins, heart pounding rapidly in your chest out of pure anger. You wanted nothing more but to scream.

You turned in your heels to leave but your mother caught your hands when you were about to reach the stairs. You pulled your hand from her grip, throwing your arm behind your back from the force.

“Sweetie please, listen to me-”

“No mom! I’m not marrying him and that’s final!” You yelled, too furious to even notice the way your mom had clutched her chest as her breathing started to become shallow.

Before you knew it, your mother collapsed to the ground but you were quick to catch her body right when she was about to crash onto the hard wooden floor.

“Mom!” You gasped as your dad and both of Sangyeon’s parents rushed over to where you were.

Mr Lee called the ambulance in which they came just 10 minutes later, carrying your mother’s unconscious body onto the stretcher and bringing her into the ambulance. Your father followed her in the vehicle while Mr Lee offered you a ride there.

Hours passed and you were waiting patiently outside the ER when a doctor came out. Your dad rushed over so you could only guess that she was the one who attended to your mom.

“Doctor, how’s my wife?”

“Your wife’s still under constant checks but so far, her heart is beating stably. However, it seems that her abnormal white blood cells have rapidly multiplied since her last check up.” The doctor said, making you frown.

“White blood cells? What’s going on? What’s wrong with my mother?” You asked desperately, still not sure of what’s going on.

“Your mother was diagnosed with Leukaemia stage 2 but from what I saw today, I believe it’s now up to stage 4.” The doctor announced, making you even more confused.

“What?” You whispered as you stared at your dad, hoping that it’s not true. But all you got was a disheartened smile that broke you into a million pieces.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” You whispered to him sadly, upset that they’ve been keeping this a secret from you.

“I’m sorry baby, but your mother told me not to. She… She didn’t want you to get worried.” He replied.

You don’t understand. You knowing about this was better than keeping it hidden from you. If you had known about this sooner, you wouldn’t have shouted at her. Instead, you would have taken extra care of her. You would have given her more love than what she gave you. And you wouldn’t have to stand here, right now, hoping for your mother’s safety and health.

You slumped onto one of the chairs, staring into space as your father rubbed soft circles into your back to calm you down.

Three days passed and you have been visiting your mother at the hospital diligently after your classes. You stayed till night time, allowing your dad to fetch you from the hospital after he also came by to visit your mom.

You were currently alone in the room with your mom as your dad went out to buy dinner for all three of you.

She was just lying there sleeping peacefully after having a deep conversation with her about some things, her eyes now closed, breathing consistent, chest heaving up and down according to her oxygen intake.

You were just about to doze off when the heart rate monitor suddenly began beeping rapidly. It caused you to panic as you ran out of the room to call for the nurses.

When you came back, your mother was shaking on the hospital bed. Tears started streaming down your face as you found yourself curled up in the corner just watching the hospital staff do whatever is necessary to help your mother.

You didn’t notice your dad who had just come back, only to rush to you after putting the food down on the desk. It was when he cupped your face, that you finally realized his presence.

He pulled you against him as you couldn’t tear your eyes off your mother’s figure, shaking violently on the bed.

It was as though someone had dropped a bomb just a few feet away, a deafening silence pierced your ear drums followed by the single beep sound that was continuous without a pause. The sound soon became a mere ring in your ears.

You slowly brought your line of sight towards the heart rate monitor beside your mother’s bed and that’s when you saw it. The painful straight line with no spikes going up or down.

That’s when you knew, she was gone.

No. This can’t be real. This is just a dream. Wake up Y/N. Pinch yourself. Slap yourself. Do whatever it is to wake yourself up from this nightmare!

And yet, you’re still there in your dad’s arms listening to the nurse who wrote down the words you never hoped to hear.

“Patient is Jeong Hyemin. Time of death, 2143hrs.”

All the more you cried harder against your father’s chest. You were broken. Completely and utterly broken. Your mother left you before you could even say goodbye. She left before you could even tell her that you love her unconditionally even though you told her that everyday.

As much as your heart hurts, you knew you had to accept it. You knew you had to be strong for your mother. And that was exactly what you did.

The next whole week, you didn’t come to school. You emailed your lecturers personally and told them about your loss. They all sent you their well wishes for you and your dad, to which they excused you from school to attend your mother’s funeral. It broke you but you couldn’t collapse just then.

Your mother would want you to be happy, to continue living a wonderful life, with or without her. And that’s exactly what you were gonna do.

The next two weeks came as a blur and you were dreading for the day to finally arrive. You couldn’t bring yourself to look in the mirror and see what you looked like. Because at that very moment, you were in an item of clothing where you never thought you would wear anytime soon.

It was a wedding dress. Your wedding dress. It has finally come to this.

Your makeup stylist did a few touch ups to your eyeshadow whilst another lady adjusted the bow on your waist that separates your laced top with your beautiful silk gown that drops to the floor elegantly behind you.

If you were being honest, you had hoped for this very day to come when you would walk down the aisle with your arm linked with your dad’s while your mother stood at the front row, watching you proudly. Witnessing you entering a new life with your chosen partner whom you’d love with all your heart.

Unfortunately, it wasn’t the case for you and it hurts you. But you kept telling yourself the same thing over and over again.

“I have to stay strong.”

That was the last thing you mumbled to yourself as you left the bride’s room, only to head towards the outdoor wedding ceremony where your parents had already booked an incredibly beautiful mansion located at the highest hills of the city.

It was a small ceremony with only your family and his, and very close relatives of both sides but that was it. None of your friends were there but you already told them about today.

Little did you know, his friends knew about it too.

You were approaching the outdoor garden where everyone was waiting for you when all of a sudden, your emotions started swirling in you.

A tear rolled down your cheek the minute you saw your dad standing at the doorway which leads you directly down the aisle. Your dad gave you a soft smile before cupping your face and kissing your forehead. He wiped the tear away with his thumb as he whispered, “You look so beautiful, sweetheart. I’m sure your mother would be so happy to see you like this.”

With that, you had to force your tears back, swallowing them as you nodded before linking your arm with his.

The song started playing and soon, both of you began to walk down the aisle. The first thing you saw was Sangyeon standing at the foot of the platform. He was wearing a navy blue tuxedo, looking quite handsome if you were being completely honest.

But the frown on his face was evident enough for you to know that he didn’t like this as much as you didn’t like this either.

Once you were standing just two feet away, you turned to your dad who kissed you again on the forehead before putting your hand in Sangyeon’s outstretched ones. After your dad left your side, Sangyeon guided you up the steps carefully.

His touch was soft, almost as if he wasn’t touching you at all. Minutes went by and right after you’ve both said your vows, it was time for the exchange of rings and sealing the deal with a kiss but of course, neither of you agreed to it. So when you were officially announced as husband and wife, you both looked at each other with a familiarity in your eyes which screamed “I hate all of this”.

Sangyeon lets out a soft groan before planting a chaste kiss to your temple, pulling away as soon as he kisses.

Both of you walked back down the aisle and once you were in the mansion, it took you less than a second to walk away from him and make your way straight to the bride’s makeup room.

Sangyeon didn’t bother to call for you as he too made his way to the common room, wanting to be as far away from you as possible. He hated every single minute of this. He never wanted this. But he was being forced to. And he doesn’t even know why.

When he heard from his parents that you accepted the arranged marriage, it baffled him.

You were both so adamant on rejecting this whole fiasco during that night of the dinner so what changed your mind?

That was a question he could never solve.

Days became weeks and you had moved into the new home that his parents and yours bought for Sangyeon and you to live in. It was a beautiful one story home that had 3 bedrooms, one study room, one living room and a backyard complete with a swimming pool. You were thankful for the home but you didn’t think it was necessary considering the state that you and Sangyeon were being put in.

Nevertheless, you didn’t want to disappoint the elders. Hence the reason why you moved in with Sangyeon without a single argument with your dad and in-laws.

Unfortunately, the fact that you two were now living under the same roof, it was quite expected of you to end up fighting over the smallest little things. If being within radius of each other on campus brought unnecessary snickers and curses to one another, living under the same roof only heightened those said things by 80%.

There wasn’t a day where you could walk around the house peacefully unless the other wasn't home.

It has been 8 weeks since you lived there with him. Despite the constant fights and heated arguments that the two of you often get into, none of it leads to the other doing unfaithful things behind each other’s back.

Before the marriage, it was quite clear that you weren’t in any sort of relationship with anyone nor were you the kind to sleep around with strangers you just met at a club or parties. Whereas, Sangyeon on the other hand was completely that, except he too was single. He tends to sleep around with girls he met at a party or the clubs he went to.

But never did he actually pursue any of his one night stands because he simply didn’t feel that way for them.

However, when he got married to you despite being against it, he made a promise to himself that he should not do all those things to you even if he doesn’t love you. Because he knows that it’s wrong and that he despises people who cheat on their partners.

For that, he told himself not to be that monster.

And he didn’t. Thankfully.

But that doesn’t mean he couldn’t storm out of the house after an argument just to get fresh air and be away from you at that very moment.

This goes both ways as sometimes, you would do the same if you couldn’t stand being in radius of him.

But tonight was different.

You were just washing the dishes when the front door opened to reveal a very drained Sangyeon who had just gotten back from the gym.

He strolled through down the hallway with his duffle bag strap resting on his right shoulder, the wet patches on his grey tank top sticking to his torso, black track shorts resting on his hips. His hair was slicked back from being drenched in sweat.

You spared him a quick glance over your shoulder before you turned back to the dirty dishes. Unfortunately for you, he caught you glancing just in time.

He walked past you to go to the fridge after putting his bag down on the floor, opening it and immediately grabbing the bottle of iced water sitting there patiently for him to take it. He downed half the bottle in less than 5 seconds, only to hear him let out a satisfied sigh right after.

You remained quiet as he looked at you for a moment, a small part of him wanted to ask you if you’ve eaten but a bigger part of him, more so his ego, was telling him to walk away.

For some reason, he decided to go with the former. Something he hasn’t been doing all these years.

“Had your dinner yet?” He asked, making you turn off the tap after setting down the clean dish onto the rack above your head before turning to him with a slight confusion on your face.

“Mhm. You?”

“Not yet.” He said as he leaned his hip against the counter top.

“What do you feel like eating?” You asked, wiping your hands dry with the towel hanging off the hook on the wall.

“I kind of have the feel for kimchi fried rice… I’ll just make do with what is there in the fridge. No worries.” Sangyeon said with a soft smile on his face before he left to take a long shower. Something he always did when he had a lot going on in his mind.

The minute he left, you stared at his descending back for a minute before turning back with a confused frown on your face.

Sangyeon was in the shower for almost 20 minutes. Taking a warm bath to calm his tensed muscles due to the intense workout he did with Juyeon and Hyunjae earlier. After his stress relieving bath, Sangyeon changed into a pair of sweatpants and his oversized shirt he normally uses to sleep.

He towel dried his hair, leaving it in an utter mess on his head with no care whatsoever.

He simply brushed through his wet locks with his fingers haphazardly before leaving his bedroom toilet. Sangyeon and you weren’t sharing bedrooms. It was just a mutual agreement right from the first night together.

You took the master bedroom in this house while he took the second bedroom.

Sangyeon was just walking down the hall, scratching the back of his head randomly when he caught a strong whiff of something delicious filling his nostrils.

“What the?” He whispered to himself as he cautiously made his way closer to the end of the hall. The minute he made a right turn, that’s when he saw you scooping out the contents of the pan into a clean plate. To his surprise, it was the exact dish he told you he was planning to cook earlier.

He finally stepped out of the shadows, only to startle you.

You flinched but that was it.

“Hey… I figured you’d be too tired to cook so I made it for you. Just leave the plate in the sink after you’re done. I’ll wash it later.” You pressed your lips into a small little smile before placing the dish on the kitchen island together with a spoon.

Right when you were about to leave the kitchen, his voice stopped you from walking any further only to hear him whisper a soft “thank you” to you.

You gave him a nod and soon left.

Sangyeon stares at your descending back before you disappear from his trail of sight, only to then tilt his head in amusement at your sudden kind act. For some reason, he found himself smiling as he took a mouthful of your delicious fried rice.

Another 3 weeks went by and you had just gotten back from your night study session with Lisa and Jennie, only to find Sangyeon slumped on the couch. He had his face buried in his hands as he looked like he hadn’t slept for days.

You frowned as you locked the door and soon went over to stand behind the long couch, diagonally from the couch he was sitting at.

“Rough day?” You asked quietly, but all you got was silence so you tried again.

“Have you eaten?”

Silence.

“Do you want anything to eat?”

Silence.

“Sangyeon, even if you hate me, at least say yes or no so I can-” And that’s when he bursts.

“Shut the fuck up!” Sangyeon yelled as he glared at you. His nostrils flared upon every heavy breath he took. You were stunned by his harsh tone, clearly not wanting any argument when you first asked the question.

“Excuse me?” You asked with a tone that was pretty obvious to anyone that you were clearly offended by his words.

“Didn’t you hear me?! I said shut the fuck up!” Sangyeon stood tall, his face red as you could only imagine he was stressed about something. A scoff left your lips, feeling the anger seeping through your skin with every word he said to you.

“Why? Why do you want me to shut the fuck up so badly?!” You asked as you stared at him with mixed emotions.

“God, you’re so fucking annoying!” Sangyeon growled as he began to storm off but you stopped him by grabbing his wrist.

“Answer my fucking question, Lee Sangyeon! I was just being nice and caring about your well being and all I got was to shut up? You’re a fucking asshole you know that?” You said, your words filled with venom as he gritted his teeth, jaw clenching tight.

“Who taught you to be such a brat? Your mother?” Sangyeon accidentally blurted that out of sheer anger. Your grip around his wrist left and the next thing he knew, your eyes were glossy from the tears threatening to fall.

“Don’t bring my mother into this.” You warned but he was still fuming with anger.

“Why? Why can’t I?! She’s the only reason why we’re in this stupid marriage anyway!”

You didn’t know what ran through your mind but the minute those words left his mouth, you couldn’t help but swing your hand onto his cheek. This shocked him to a certain extent as he simply glared at you but never did anything to hurt you physically.

“Do you know why I accepted the marriage proposal? Do you wanna know why I decided to walk down that fucking aisle and have myself being called as your official wife?! Well here’s the reason why. I promised my mom I would.” You paused as he remained quiet. You could almost see the cogs turning in his brain as though trying to process your words.

“My mom died wanting me to marry you. She told me she wanted to see me walk down the aisle one day and into your arms. Until now, I don’t understand why she specifically wants it to be you, but that’s what she wanted. So I promised her that she would be there for when that day comes. But she left me before she could even witness that for herself. She left before I could even say goodbye. It broke me. It fucking broke me Sangyeon! That’s why I chose to accept the proposal even when…”

You stopped for a moment, not realizing that you had been crying until you tasted salty tears on your lips.

“...even when I didn’t love you. I did it because I made a promise to her. I don’t want to let her down, Sangyeon.... I never wanted any of this to happen. And I know you feel the same so I’m sorry.” Those were the last things you said to him before going to your bedroom and locking yourself in there.

Sangyeon was left standing there, feeling completely shitty with what he said to you earlier. He never meant to hurt your feelings. He should’ve known better not to mention your mom but he only said that out of pure anger.

He knows it’s his fault but his ego was too high for him to simply give in to his mistake.

He was about to just brush this off when he heard the door click and soon, you were seen leaving your bedroom with a cross body purse on you. You didn’t give him the chance to speak as you just left the house with a soft slam of your front door. He watched as you took your white mini cooper and drove out of the driveway.

“Sweetie, why don’t you want to accept the proposal?” Your mother asked weakly as you sat on the chair beside her hospital bed.

“Mom, you know I don’t love him. We’ve been fighting since we were kids. I don’t see why I should marry someone who I don’t love.”

“Oh sweetie, you can only learn to love by loving.”

“Mom, that’s just fairy tale talk.”

“Do you wanna know something?” She asked as you stared at her quietly while you caressed the back of her hand with your thumbs as he took this silence to continue.

“Your father and I weren’t on good terms too when we first met each other. We always fought in high school and it went on for quite a while until Mrs Lee set me up on this blind date and it was with your father. At first we found it ridiculous, but after that first date, I realized that maybe your father wasn’t as bad as I thought. And so, we started to slowly understand the process of loving someone and soon enough, we fell in love. Love doesn’t always come to you directly. Sometimes, you need to find it yourself.”

She paused, studying your facial expressions carefully to make sure you weren’t angry or about to burst at her for the next thing she was planning to say.

“Can you promise me something sweetie?”

“Anything… Anything at all mom.” You said with a glint of hope in your eyes.

“Can you promise me that you’ll marry Mrs Lee’s son? I don’t care when. Just… as long as it’s him. Even if I’m not around anymore...”

“Mom-”

“Please? For me?”

Your heart broke hearing her pleading voice. You don’t understand why she was so persistent in you marrying him but for now, you couldn’t bear to say no. You couldn’t bear to break her heart. So, with a heavy heart, you chose your mother’s happiness before yours.

“Okay mom… I promise. But you have to promise me too that you’ll be fine and that you’ll come back to me and dad, okay?”

“I promise, sweetheart. I love you so much.” She said.

“I love you too mom.”

That night when you came back to your old house, your dad greeted you at the door with a shocked look on his face. He asked you why you were there at such a late time so you explained to him that you got into a big fight with Sangyeon and that you wanted to stay there for the next few days. Of course your father was happy that he would finally have someone in the house with him, but he was also worried that Sangyeon would be concerned over you.

You told him not to tell Sangyeon anything and that you wanted time away from him for now, in which your dad just nodded understandingly. The next few days, you spent your days diligently avoiding Sangyeon as much as you can despite being in the same campus. Lucky for you, he had very different schedules than you.

Which means, better chance for you to avoid him and not accidentally bump into him on campus grounds. And so far, your plan is working.

It’s been at least 3 weeks since you last went home to your shared place with him and you were starting to run low on your clothing supply back at your old house. Which means, you probably had no choice but to go back there now.

In all honesty, you weren’t mad at him anymore.

You were just too stubborn to face him after that argument. But it looks like you have no other choice now.

Hence, the reason why you were currently standing outside your doorstep at 8pm, noticing the vehicles parked outside your gates. By the looks of it, those probably belonged to his friends. And you were right. Because the minute you unlocked the door, you were immediately greeted by the chattering and laughter coming from the living room.

You walked in further, carefully after taking off your shoes and placing them in the shoe rack. Right when you had just made it by the end of the hallway and the living room was in full view, that’s where you saw the 6 figures scattered around the room.

The TV was playing a movie while the coffee table was filled with boxes of pizzas and other snacks for them to munch on.

Before you could speak up, two of them noticed your presence, making the blonde haired one to say hi, “Oh, hi Y/N.”

With that, the rest of them finally turned around upon hearing their friend greet you. Sangyeon, who was standing right in front of the TV, checking the cables, whipped his head around only to lock eyes with you. He froze in his spot, unsure if this was real considering you’ve been avoiding him like a plague the past 3 weeks.

“Y/N…” Was the only thing he managed to whisper under his breath as you awkwardly chuckled, hoping you didn’t create an unsettling atmosphere for them.

“Hey…” You whispered as he carefully made his way to you. The moment he was standing right in front of you, neither of you spoke. Both of you are afraid of saying the wrong thing which could potentially lead to another argument. But Sangyeon was smart enough to know not to make unnecessary comments to you after what happened the last time. So instead, he opted for an apology.

“Listen, about that night… I- I’m really sorry… I didn’t... I didn’t know.”

You could only give him a small smile that he could clearly see was weak and almost drained as you spoke up, “It’s okay. Anyways… I think I’m gonna rest.”

He simply nodded, resisting the urge to pull you into a hug and tell you how sorry he was for treating you like crap all these while. These past 3 weeks have made him realise that he wasn’t the nicest of people to you, that he said a lot of things that had definitely hurt you in the past, that he has been nothing but mean to you.

Upon hearing your bedroom door close, Sangyeon lets out a defeated sigh before walking back to his friends who then asked him if everything was okay. After he told them that everything was indeed okay, he plopped back down on the couch but it seemed to worry his friends seeing how sad Sangyeon looked at the moment.

Whenever he was with them, he has always been the goofy, savage, often picking on the others to get a reaction out of them, kind of guy. They’ve never properly seen this softer side of him.

It’s been nearly an hour since you came home and yet, he hasn’t caught a single glimpse of you anywhere. He got worried for you, not knowing whether you’ve eaten or not. So he decided to check on you. He got up from the ground to excuse himself, telling them to just continue what they were doing.

When he arrived at your supposedly shared bedroom, he found you seated on the window couch just staring into the night sky. However, before he could even knock on the door and push it wider, he heard soft sobs from you that gradually grew louder. He stayed by the door and unintentionally listened to your whispers.

“I miss you mum… I’m sorry if I couldn’t live up to my promise just like you wanted me to. I know I’m not the best wife to him, but I’m trying… I’m trying… for you. I wish you were still here beside me. To guide me on how to be a good wife. To love someone without feeling trapped. To love someone the way you and dad loves me. I’m so sorry mum… I’m so truly sorry…”

Sangyeon’s heart shattered into a million pieces for you. That’s when he realized that his feelings for you had changed. That all he wanted to do right at this very moment was to protect you. You were broken, fragile and yet, he’s been treating you horribly all these while.

He couldn’t take it any longer. With that being said, he carefully and quietly made his way to you. Not making a sound as you had your head buried in your knees, cries getting louder the closer he came to you. However, when you felt his soft hands caress the sides of your arms, you looked up. Your eyes glistened under the moonlight, your cheeks soaked with your freshly falling tears.

At that moment, you looked so vulnerable.

So when he pulled you into his embrace, you easily let him. Burying your face into his chest as he gently rubs circles onto your back, caressing your head comfortingly.

After a few seconds of silence, you finally whispered against his chest. Just loud enough for him to hear, but soft enough that nobody standing outside the door could hear.

“I miss her Sangyeon…”

Sangyeon wasn’t sure how to respond to your confession but he tried as best as he could to make you feel better.

“And I know that she misses you too. But it’s okay, she will always be with you. You’ll be okay… I promise.” He whispered and almost immediately, you pulled back as he frowned in confusion.

“You shouldn’t promise me anything…” You said, your tears slowly getting lesser and lesser by the minute.

“Why do you say that?”

“Because the last time someone made me a promise, they promised me that they’ll be okay and that they’ll never leave me… And yet she did...” Your voice hushed. He could tell that that was your trauma. Making promises.

He felt a tear threatening to roll down his cheek but he managed to hold back. Sangyeon softly reached up to cup your face and caress your cheeks with both thumbs before he spoke up, “I’m sorry she did. I’m sorry that promise got broken. But it’s not her fault. You know it wasn’t. So let me make a promise to you now and this time, it won’t be broken.”

With that being said, you cried even harder as he just pulled you against his chest almost cradling you like a child. After almost 20 minutes in the room, he finally let go of your fragile figure and asked if you wanted to eat.

You told him you weren’t hungry and that you just wanted to rest. Sangyeon nodded, bringing you to the bed as he carefully tucked you in to make you cosy. He was about to leave you alone when you grabbed his wrists. Sangyeon turned around with such a soft gaze on you, it nearly melted you.

“Where are you going?” You asked with a soft voice, almost shy. Sangyeon found it so endearing that he couldn’t help but chuckle softly.

“I’m gonna go back to the boys and maybe call it a night early.” He smiled, to which you felt his other hand come to wrap its fingers around your extended wrist, gently pulling it away before caressing the back of your wrist with his thumb.

“Can you come back after… please?” You whispered as you saw him smile again before putting your hand down on the mattress softly.

“I will.”

Soon enough, Sangyeon left you in the room to rest for a bit while he went back to his friends and relayed the message to them. Thankfully, the boys were very understanding. They told Sangyeon to send their well wishes to you in which he definitely would. After they left, Sangyeon went ahead and cleared the leftover trash.

Silently thanking the boys for cleaning most of the mess up before he even came back into the living room. He was almost done cleaning, not forgetting to brush his teeth before going back to your room only to find you already asleep with your back facing the door.

Sangyeon couldn’t help but smile as he closed the door behind him and soon made his way quietly to the other side of the room.

He carefully pulled the duvet up, climbing into bed after putting the duvet back down.

He very gently lifted your head up to let his right arm slide under your neck as a pillow, proceeding to pull your body closer against his chest. Once you were both in a comfortable position, he gently wrapped his other hand around your waist. Caressing your side in a comforting manner.

“Goodnight Y/N.” He whispered as he soon drifted off into slumber.

Ever since then, both of you had stopped the constant arguments. You weren’t always annoyed by every little thing the other did. In school, when you’d accidentally bump into one another, either one would smile and acknowledge the other. Some people who witnessed this, found it strange but your close friends didn’t.

It’s been a good 4 months since you’d reconciled with Sangyeon. Though there were disagreements at times, those arguments would however, be resolved as quickly as it came.

But one thing’s for sure, is that during the past 4 months, you and Sangyeon had slowly found yourselves falling for each other. Neither of you said it out loud, but apparently those around you could visibly tell. Especially your friends.

It was a Thursday afternoon, you and the girls were just walking to the lunch hall when Lisa spotted Sangyeon and his friends just walking down the main building. It seems like they were heading towards the lunch hall as well. With that being said, Lisa called out to Sangyeon’s name, causing him and the rest to turn.

The minute Sangyeon’s eyes locked on Lisa’s and then on you, his gaze softened as you saw the corner of his lips curving upwards into a cute smirk.

They stopped walking to let you girls catch up and once you did, Lisa immediately went to Juyeon and began talking to him casually. The other girls went to walk with the rest while you came to a quick stop beside Sangyeon before you continued walking with the others ahead of you.

“How was class?” He asked, his arm accidentally brushing against yours as you walked further down the building.

“Horrible. Can you believe he wants us to submit 10 codes by the end of this week? I swear that man wants me dead.” You groaned in annoyance, only to hear him chuckle. But what he said next, caught you by surprise.

“But I don’t want you dead.”

With that, you turned to him as a small smile appeared on your face despite the frown you had. Both of you walked in silence, just basking in the conversations of your friends when you felt a soft tickling feeling on your fingers.

You glanced down to see that his hand was playfully brushing against your fingers, making you look up to catch him already staring at you.

Sangyeon smiled at you innocently, not sure if he wanted to say anything else until he felt you slide your hand into his, lacing your fingers with his easily. Now it was his turn to look down and then back up at you. All he did was chuckle, a sound you could definitely get used to.

A week passed and it was finally the weekend. You and Sangyeon didn’t have anything planned for the day.

Or at least you thought.

You were just lounging on the couch on a beautiful Saturday evening when Sangyeon came over to plop down beside you with a cheeky smile on his face.

“You’re oddly happy? What’s going on?” You asked with a raise of your eyebrow.

“I have a surprise for you but you have to go get ready okay?”

“Get ready? It’s already 7 o’clock. Where can we go?” You asked but all you got was a soft whine from him telling you to just do it. You opted to listen as he reminded you to wear prettily. You weren’t sure where you were going so you didn’t want to either overdress or underdress.

So you opted for simple denim skinny jeans, a baby blue sleeveless top, a white long knit cardigan and a pair of beige chunky heeled sandals.

When you left your shared bedroom to go to the living room, you were surprised to see him dressed handsomely in his black skinny jeans, a white button down shirt with the first few buttons undone, along with a navy blue bomber jacket. You saw him look at your outfit from head to toe, only for him to smirk playfully at you.

“Damn, who knew my wife could look this beautiful?” Sangyeon teased, making you giggle.

“Sangyeon, I literally wear jeans everyday.”

“Exactly.”

When you realized what he was trying to say, you soon found yourself blushing as you walked over to him and gently slapped his chest with your hand. Urging him to go before you slapped that cute smirk off his face.

Sangyeon couldn’t help but laugh but nonetheless left the house in his matte black Bentley. You watched as he drove down the street, bringing you to a part of the city where you don’t remember going to before in your life. The car ride was filled with jokes and laughter coming from both of you. He distracted you too much to the point where you didn’t even notice you were already at the location he wanted to bring you.

You looked out the window and that’s when you realize, “Is this an outdoor cinema?” You gasped when you saw the open field with a large screen at the centre, along with the endless rows of couples seated on their own blankets with snacks and drinks of their preferences.

“Sangyeon… This is…” You were speechless and he could see.

He chuckled as he just stared at you with such endearment in his eyes. Some people would just call it love.

“It’s wonderful.” You finally got to finish your sentence, turning to him with a smile.

“I’m glad you think so. Now let’s go! The movie’s about to start.”

Two hours had passed and you were now a few minutes in of the second movie. You noticed some couples were starting to get comfortable on their blankets. You were starting to get tired just sitting up straight and Sangyeon noticed your subtle shifts, desperate to find a comfortable sitting position.

“Hey, you okay?” He asked quietly.

“Yeah. I’m okay, just a little tired from sitting up.” You explained with a bashful little smile. Just then, Sangyeon thought of an idea that was completely beyond your imagination.

Hence, when he patted the space in between his legs, you glanced down and then back at him who was seen smiling softly to you. None of it was making you feel creeped out. In fact, you felt safe and that you could trust him. After all, he was your husband anyways. Of course you trust him.

“Come here.” He said as he stared at you calmly. He wasn’t sure if you were entirely up for this but before he could take his words back, that’s when he saw you carefully crawling towards the space he patted earlier.

Once you were seated in front of him, Sangyeon scooted forward a little before he slid his arms around your waist.

He soon pulled you against his chest, before he whispered in your ear, “Comfortable?”

You turned your head to look at him but instead got slightly flustered by the close proximity that led you to feeling his lips accidentally brush against your own. You got quiet for a moment, praying that he didn’t hear the way your heart was pounding against your chest.

You couldn’t trust your voice so you opted for a soft hum to answer his question. The next few minutes, you found yourself getting more and more comfortable in his arms, putting your hands on top of his forearms as you unconsciously caressed his skin in a calming manner. All the while, Sangyeon was behind you, completely distracted from the movie in front of him.

Instead, his mind was fuzzy with how close you were to him at that very moment. This was something he never thought would happen back when he was still young.

But now that he was here with you, just cuddling at an outdoor movie theatre, he couldn’t help but want more of this. Sangyeon found himself smiling as he couldn’t help but give your sides a gentle squeeze, telling you that he was there with you and that he would never leave you.

Thankfully, you got the silent message.

Because right after he did that, you turned your head to look at him. His eyes held the galaxy. You found yourself getting lost in his eyes.

Both of you were silent but it wasn’t awkward. You didn’t know what came over you but a sense of confidence washes over you. With that being said, you carefully leaned forward to close the gap and soon pressed your lips on his.

To say he was taken aback slightly, is definitely an understatement.

But it took him less than 3 seconds to finally move his lips against yours in a smooth rhythm. You brought your right hand up to gently cup his face as you kissed him.

Sangyeon tightens his hold on you, pulling away from the kiss only to look into your eyes with such adoration. He wasn’t sure if now was the right time to express his feelings for you, but he thought, what was there to lose. So with that thinking, Sangyeon took a small breath before he uttered the 3 words he never thought he’d say to you but he did. And every single word he said at that moment, was as sincere as ever.

“I love you.”

You couldn’t help but smile softly at him before you kissed him again in a longing kiss before pulling away and replying to him with the exact emotions you felt for him genuinely.

“I love you too, Sangyeon.”

~~~