#but never directly tell them about it.
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#homestuck#hs#dirk strider#roxy lalonde#it had a second part with John and Dave#because I think a lot about how Dirk and Dave love John and Roxy very much#but never directly tell them about it.#but this part was deleted and I was too tired to draw it again uhhhh
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thinking about haikaveh's relationship from the archon quest to a parade of providence being based upon misunderstandings and kaveh actively wanting to avoid confrontation with alhaitham, or disparaging him
and then from a parade of providence onwards, kaveh actively seeking out conversation with alhaitham, feeling comfortable enough to recount his day, drink wine and share snacks together, voluntarily studying together as they had done in the past, calling their shared house a 'home', and going out of his way to search for alhaitham just to tell him about something interesting that happened
their gradual progression has led to them becoming equal companions, and it feels so so deserving - especially with them being perceived as a unit: a unique, exceptional pair (thank you sethos)
#haikaveh#kavetham#alhaitham#kaveh#an odd textual mystery#kaveh saying 'ive been looking for you everywhere' is so similar to him saying 'shall we head home' directly to alhaitham#this would have been UNTHINKABLE at the start#it's just such a vulnerable admission that kaveh considers alhaitham a priority his home and that he knows alhaitham views him as the same#just these little comments that really show the depth to their connection#how simple these actions and words are like kaveh getting mehrak to fetch them coffee#but yet they're so so telling and gentle and they just care about each other so much#i am never getting over them
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This is the only thing I'm going to say about the election until it's over:
Anyone who did not vote for Harris or who attempted to dissuade people from voting for Harris, you are indirectly responsible for whatever shit Donald Trump does if he gets elected. That blood is primarily on his hands, yes. But it is also on yours. I hope you can live with that because I sure as hell wouldn't be able to.
#'but gaza' trump wants TO OBLITERATE THEM. HE LITERALLY WANTS THERE TO BE NOTHING LEFT OF GAZA AT ALL. WHY DO YOU THINK#I DON'T WANT HIM IN POWER?????#yeah I said I wouldn't election post I lied sorry.#I know most of you don't actually care what happens to american citizens because we're all Violent Hypocrites who should kill ourselves#and somehow every single civilian is responsible for the actions of a military and government that comparatively few of us are actually par#of but FUCKING HELL. You don't care about THE PEOPLE OF GAZA??? Because that's what you're telling me if you're in favor of#doing anything OTHER than the most likely path to get trump out of politics. which is voting for the candidate DIRECTLY OPPOSING HIM.#the thing about america being an empire that needs to die. is that before it dies. it is still affecting the rest of the world.#I can't make you care about me and my loved ones. but I am IMPLORING you to have some fucking compassion for all the people#who are going to be DEEPLY negatively affected elsewhere if trump gets into power.#THEIR HARM. THEIR DEATHS. ARE ON /YOU/ IF YOU DID ANYTHING TO FACILITATE TRUMP'S VICTORY IF THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS.#I don't believe most of you actually have any amount of the sympathy and compassion for others you claim to have.#I don't think any of the causes you throw yourself behind are actually meaningful to you. I don't think any of this is based on a#genuine desire to build a better world. I think you just want your Internet friends to think you are a Good Person.#if I see anyone. ANYONE. acting like a trump presidency is what we 'deserve'. or that it's necessary to 'teach [xyz] a lesson'#I am NEVER speaking to you again I don't care how long I've known you.#us politics#I am a disabled queer woman. almost everybody I love is also disabled and queer. you think we're acceptable collateral damage fine.#but don't cry that I'm being a bitch if I say that that makes me not trust you and not want to have anything to do with you.
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i just finished dark heir
#me foaming at the mouth during the last chapters: HE IS! FUCKING! SAVING YOU!#i am huddled around will kempen hissing like a mama cat none of these fuckers are allowed to look at him#dark rise#okay but like. cyrian at literally every moment in the book you see will anticipating things and making connections#that you never make. doing things like a leader & being fucking smart and strategic. and your dumb ass really thought.#hm. must mean i shouldnt listen to him about the magic staff that can literally stop the end of the world. must be evil.#me: [screams into the abyss]#i know i cant expect characters to react like readers and they DID all react like i knew they would but god it was so infuriating!!!!!#and heart breaking! god!!!! god!!!!! will reliving his mother's initial betrayal over and over and OVER again#and thinking about all the little moments we get where the novel tells us: if these 'evil' characters had just been accepted#instead of tossed aside maybe they wouldnt have fallen. if they had been protected instead of killed maybe they would have#become protectors instead of killers. maybe if will's mom hadn't tried to butcher him for the sin of his own birth#he wouldn't have been so scared to tell people he lied to them.#anyway im not normal about will kempen and if book 3 doesnt give me his friends fucking accepting him i'll kill someone#me looking directly at visander: i dont care how charming you are i'll murder your ass about it#i read this book in like 5 hrs im being very normal about it
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Thinking about Charles Xavier, who is simultaneously aware of everyone but at the same time not because if he was himself to the fullest people find him upsetting and rude and nosy
Thinking about his unshakable sense of morality, right and wrong and justice that he formed at the age of 9 and has kept ever since, with modifications along the years but those core values remain
Thinking about how the overstimulation of a thousand voices in his head drove him to self medicate to the point of nearly addiction
Thinking about how he has difficulty reading people when his power is not in use, ending up saying the worst things without meaning to upset no one
Thinking about how everyone should be “mutant and proud” except Charles over there that is too passing to be a mutant but too weird to be a human and simultaneously his mutation, the way his brain is fucking wired, is too inconvenient for everyone around him mutant and human alike to accept
Charles Xavier they would never make me hate you. You and your autism telepathy
#x men#charles xavier#I’m firm in this belief#Charles is the poster boy of invisible disability in first class and I mean it#no one lets him stretch his mutantion than they have the audacity to be mad that he didn’t understand their weird subtext#Raven I’m looking directly at you#if you want to be clear about your feelings with your brother but doesn’t want him in your head FUCKING TALK TO HIM#he is a mind reader that won’t read your mind!!! he has no way of knowing shit#because as the movie showed us#Charles and social cues have never been in a room together ever#Erik put one singular helmet and Charles was absolutely fumbling that social interaction#sure it was part stress of the situation but everyone agrees that telling the holocaust survivor#“they are only following orders” was the greatest misreadings of a situation ever#Charles also has a emphaty problem born also from his mutation#he has a lot of it#many time to his own detriment#because he has seen and experienced everyones shoes#he has walked them all#so he can’t separate the idea that someone so rich as another person deserving of extre punishment#even when that is the only option available#do you think his telephaty gave him identity issues?#what do you think is Charles Xavier perception of self?
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Right and his work menaces (Brent and Karen).
I don't remember last I mentioned it but apart from crude nicknames to people (except Chris), he also just puts them in his phone really weird (except Chris, who is literally in his phone as Chris). And I bring this up because in Right's phone, Karen is saved as "Lawful Obligation".
#my characters#oops i fell in love#can you guys tell im stressed and hyperfixating on my own fucked up ocs cause i am#also brents nickname at work and in rights phone is fuckwad#and hes like yeah if im called anything else at this point by right its weird and uncomfortable#and when it is finally approached as if paul is only in rights phone as shitty-ex (answer) now that hes an excoworker#what was he in rights phone BEFORE the transfer#and right is like annoying dickwad ... karen is like oh i see thats why you call him a dick still#thats like a nickname from his phone name#and brent has to ask why fuckwad and dickwad and right looks at him and takes a deep breathe before saying#because i like the word wad and it is very comforting bc like a wad of paper ? you can throw it away#and so if i realize i gotta get rid of attachment i wad it up#also dont tell paul that dickwad was a form of attachment or he will never shut the fuck up about it#karen and brent both swear to never mention it to paul#paul is honestly such a weird anomaly in the plot bc he doesnt directly work at the same police station#but he is CONSTANTLY a topic of gossip or annoyance or updates#hes literally karens best friend! aside from chris he was one of the few right worked with who HAD touch privileges before right banned it#hes also just genuinely well liked but no one can actually tell him or he will become insufferable#which is a crime that rick is guilty of once when he meets paul and karen introduces him#and rick is just OH i know that name! youre her best friend#and she looks so betrayed and paul looks so delighted and stunned and radiant over this fact#and rick makes up for it before the night is over which is why karen forgives him - he made paul back in his place#anyway yeah right has lots of fears and hes my bundle of anxiety and i love him and his atrocious nicknames#i think i would die if i gave someone a rude nickname even affectionately irl#also also final note on this ig#since right is a detective and not always at the station its worth pointing out brent and karen just work taking calls and#doing misc other work at their desks which are nearby so they 100% bond and its wonderful#ok i lied final note on them is#for a very long time karen has to check with right to make sure she isnt annoying brent because he doesnt emote well#and shes scared she wont know if shes annoying him please help youre like the only one who reads his moods accurately
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my princess nonsense is being encouraged watch ouyt imabout to be eneaabled
OK WHATF ATHAT'S SO CUTE I HAD TO MAKE IT i know realistically there's little to no chance that rei DOESN'T know how to work heels 🤣 BUT IMAGINE.....ING.... YAKUMO GENTLY GUIDING REI IN HEELS, WEEKS BEFORE THE BIG GALA AND HAVING NONE OF HIS NORMAL FEAR OF PHYSICAL TOUCH BC HIS [TEACHER MODE] IS OVERRIDING HIS INSECURITY
#rei looking directly at the camera like why are you subjecting me to this. i do not need any of this. i know how to do it#rei wearing stilettos the size of your head so he becomes ur very tall bird goth gf#you know how yakumo gets when he instructs someone on how to cook something#he becomes confident and just tells ppl how to do stuff without his usual amount of stutter and secondguessing#i'm gonna pretend that after his stiletto training in misty vale he gains a TINY MOLECULE of confidence due to experience#like [i can help you if you've never done it before?]#honestly i can't imagine this scenario happening because i am so SURE that rei can walk in heels HAHAHA even tho nothing has proven that#SOMETHING COME PROVE ME WRONG SO MY DELUSIONS CAN SLIDE CLOSER TO POSSIBILITY#anyway even if rei didn't know how to wear heels#would he ever mention it? would yakumo ever learn of it?#rei would probably be all . i don't need to wear heels. they can't even see them under the dress. i'll wear my practical shoes#but if he can't get away with that and will be forced to wear heels at the party...#maybe he'll go [meh. i'll figure it out] and just not wear them until the day of the dance#at which point his feet will hurt after 20 minutes and for the whole night he takes any chance to sit down#rei can be frequently spotted on SOME surface SOMEWHERE in the palace. sitting all splayed out and uncaring of propriety#because he is in PAIN and these shoes are STUPID and why do people wear them for ANYTHING . Royals are so IMPRACTICAL#yakumo keeps trying to avoid heels for the dance because he doesn't want to be any taller than he already is#i bet there's a full convo about it between him and eiden#eiden trying to reassure him that if he wants to wear heels then he shouldn't let others' perception stop him from doing so#but if he genuinely doesn't want to wear them then that's ok too#eiden craning his neck up at yakumo in heels like you're my pretty princess 1-2 heads taller than me your height doesn't matter 🥰#i'm now torn. yakumo and rei both wearing heels now? in order to stay at similar heights?#or. rei starting out with heels. getting tired of them. going barefoot for the rest of the night lol#yakumo and rei still dancing in their ballgowns together but a much shorter rei leads a yakumo in heels#yes. yes this is the vision#yakurei#replies#nu carnival yakumo#nu carnival rei
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Does your Tiso annoy your Hornet? Asking for ...reasons -dooblebugss
He does!!! I love the idea in which he teases and annoys Hornet from time to time (not gonna lie I am inspired by your tiso quite a lot.......😔😔😔)
I also like to think despite trying to act as some lone wolf, Tiso is kind of a social person. At the same time him acting like an older brother who will keep annoy/tease his little sister sounds funny
#demy answer#hk tiso#hk hornet#hornet is far much older than tiso#but tiso doesn't know that and hornet won't tell#i also think tiso have better self care than hornet#so he'd annoy and also pester hornet about it too#not directly because both of them could never be honest with what they're feeling imo#there are still a lot I'm thinking over but that's the gist of it!
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Kafka here rising from the dead to say I feel you so much on all your Bravefonse stuff. I am so disappointed too!! And it kinda gives me an icky feeling, this almost retconning of Gustav who was clearly so crappy to Alfonse and Sharena as a straight up good dad, no complexity what so ever. This is just more fuel for me to eventually write my Domi dunks on Gustav and helps Alfonse sort out his feelings™️ fic
YEAH.... YEAH............ I have been SO all over the place about it (as you can. Fucking See LMFAOO). On one hand, it Does give you a lot of material to work with, from a writing standpoint. But dear god. Like I cannot get Book 3 Gustav out of my mind. Every fucking line he says to Alfonse legit gobsmacked me and set off my panic response 🧍 Like Jesus Christ......
But again! It is a really interesting creative exercise to try and figure out how to approach Alfonse's feelings with the appropriate amount of care, consideration, restraint, while Gently. So so gently. Trying to open his eyes to it. Trying to tell him that the way his father, who he loves very much, who he sees as this idealized role model to strive for, who he so desperately just wants to feel loved by, too. To do right by him. Trying to tell Alfonse, hey. The way your father spoke to you is Not Normal. That's not what love is supposed to look like.
But trying to communicate something like that, even as I write it here, feels like an oversimplification of the situation... that only serves to paint Gustav as a Bad Person (which. Regardless let's stay focused here), implies that there's a "correct" and "incorrect" way to love, and that people who have abusive behaviors Can't have any real or genuine love and care for whoever is on the receiving end of the mistreatment, and ultimately it invalidates the first person's real and genuine feelings for the other (so in this case, Alfonse's feelings about Gustav).
Another thing I'm always examining is Fear. It is abundantly clear to me that Gustav acts the way he does to Alfonse, because he's scared. Idk idk there's a Million things you can fucking say about it, but it does come back to that "Do as I Say, Not As I Do". And that same sex parent projecting themselves to their child. "My experiences will be Your experiences, because we're The Same". And if the experiences were Bad, there's the Fear. "I don't want you to go through what I've been through. I'm Protecting You".
Gustav... just has an extremely upsetting outright abusive way of going about it. As though, if he can Overpower the problem, it will be Solved.
Sorry in too deep, Gustav Jumpscare (also due to image limits, I'll write down this line I think is important)
Gustav: "If you had miscalculated even slightly, you'd be dead now. Dead, Alfonse."
And. Focal point here
Like this is exactly what I'm talking about, and why I included all of Alfonse's responses (even the small ones. Especially the small ones).
Alfonse made a risky decision that did pay off. But it scared Gustav. It reminded Gustav of himself, of his father, and also genuinely, he does love his son (stay with me. I know. It's the hardest part for me, too). He doesn't want Alfonse to die. As his heir, of course, but as his son, too.
So, how does he express this...? He tries to take full control of the situation. To Overpower the situation. He's King, after all. To do this, he needs to overpower Alfonse. By any means necessary, he needs to beat this out of Alfonse. He needs to eliminate the threat. That way, Alfonse is Safe. That way, Gustav has successfully Protected Alfonse.
It's just... such a terrible thing to watch unfold. Especially in how Alfonse caves in. I mean. What else can you do in that situation. There's nothing else you can do.
Idk idk I'm just always examining it. Reaching out my hand, let's all start a Summoner led Alfonse support group together (Sharena too, because my god she did not get out unscathed either)
#feh#like. back to alfonse again i guess. it's also interesting to explore the mind/perspective of a chara who isn't fully aware of it#like. i've def been talking too much. but my case even as a teen i had an awareness that i was not being treated right.#and i'd eventually become a huge shit-talker about it. obviously never to anyone's face directly.#but like. i had the awareness even then. and i definitely talked shit about it. and i talk even more shit now#but at the core. the very core. the worst part. is i know i was loved. and i loved them too.#they 'still do'. i still do.#fe alfonse#fe gustav#hate. let me tell you about hate --#ask answered!
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okay so. kind of a weird thing. i just finished the dp&w making of, which was reasonably fun but pretty missable, and right as it finished i realized that shawn and ryan ALWAYS used "deadpool" to refer to the character. never his name. i mean maybe once or twice that i forgot but virtually never. they and hugh did say logan and wolverine about 40/60, but honestly that still feels weird to me coming from a fandom context. and, idk. there's a gap there. it feels emblematic of the gap between the people who get to make this kind of movie (cis white men), and the people who don't (us, for the most part). and how what they see as the most important elements of the story and characters are fundamentally out of alignment with what we want. there's a lot of overlap, which is why we're drawn to this stuff in the first place, but it's never going to actually line up. idk it's pretty disheartening but we carry on i suppose.
#deadpool and wolverine#turns out the Slash Fan Experience gets more and more uncomfortable as queerness becomes more and more tantalizingly possible#(but never actually reached)#like in 2000 it was like. well obviously they're not going to have the male hero and his best friend kiss onscreen#obviously they didn't mean to tell that story. but we found it so we can have fun playing with it and making it ours.#but in 2024 it feels more like chasing the carrot tied to your head#deadpool#(YES i know there are lots of movies with queer people in them now. im talking about This Kind of Movie.)#(big budget. engages directly with the cultural mythos. aimed at a large audience. fun and easy to engage with.)#(the stuff that attracts fandoms)#(and the stuff that i tbqh LIKE. i like slick glossy expensive movies with great acting and fun characters)#(that are easy to watch but reward a second viewing)#(and i love characters with a cultural history that by all rights should be public domain at this point)#(like. i fucking despise the MCU but i loved it at first bc it was My Kind Of Thing so exactly)
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the narrator is allergic to some random nut like walnuts or pistachios and carries an epipen in his briefcase and has one squirrelled away in the paper street house somewhere
#i don’t know if he would be embarrassed to tell tyler about it and so keeps it hidden?#or he tells tyler and tyler randomly steals epipens from somewhere and gives them to the narrator with no explanation#it would be because he cares about him but he would never tell him that directly#fight club#tyler durden#soapshipping#fight club 1999#the narrator#tyler x narrator
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Thinking thoughts about these tags at work today.
#specifically#armand knowing daniel's book has put his adult daughters directly in the line of retributive fire from other vampires#does he sit back and wait for the inevitable or does he intervene? does he use them as bait to catch vamps who would hurt daniel or louis?#we never got the blood amulet on daniel before he was turned and now he doesnt need it. armand's blood is in his veins.#what if armand gives one (or two) to daniel's daughters? but how to make them wear it without revealing himself?#daniel or kate finding the amulet in lenora's apartment after she's murdered.#armand visiting kate's home afterward incognito and opening his wrist to bleed om the bushes outside as a warning#I DONT KNOW MAN I DONT KNOW#also i am very attached to the idea of kate learning about vampires when she and her family are attacked and armand saves them#just because now armand controls the narrative#kate puts together that daniel became a vampire without telling her or her sister and then put a giant target on all their backs#and so when daniel starts arguing with armand about how he had met with lenora without telling him#and then revealed himself to kate and the grandkids#she takes ARMAND'S side because at least he was HONEST. at least he TRIED to protect them!#messy messy messy!#daniel holding up the blood amulet he found in lenora's things: and what you thought giving her this bullshit was gonna protect her?#kate: what are you talking about#kate: YOU gave her that when she was a kid.#daniel: wh--#kate: you gave ME the same necklace when I was like 8. I opened it on christmas morning.#kate: you even sent sybelle one when she was born#kate: i thought it was some kind of weird tradition from mom's side of the family in the old country...#daniel: ...#daniel: armand.#daniel: why did my daughters have vials of your blood as children.#armand: ... can we talk about this in private#(he says as they all stand in the middle of the freeway in California with Lestat's overturned tour bus on fire behind them)
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Earth did nothing wrong.
That's it. That's the post.
#the sun and moon show#tsams#sams earth#sams moon#moon fans have really been discounting#all of times when earth tried to help#moon with his mental and emotional well being huh?#how is it her fault that he remained clammed up#about his true mental state?#'look how quick she gave up on him after he said one measly mean thing to her!'#he said and did much more than that actually#— attempted murder among those things.#and about the initial confrontation between them:#earth was still willing to forgive him.#she didn't mean that he was 'dead to her as a brother'#when she got angry with him.#in earth's own words:#'I just meant our relationship is gonna be different from that point on. I wasn't gonna tell him the things that I was insecure about.'#perfectly valid reaction.#mental illness doesn't excuse treating people poorly period.#plus moon wasn't detached from reality#when he weaponzied earth's insecurities to purposefully hurt her.#also earth never said anything which implied (directly or indirectly)#she had disowned him.#pre-murder attempt.#if anything moon threw her away.#earth's words again:#'and then he does the whole you're collateral damage. it's basically telling me you're dead to me and I don't care about you anymore.'#and even after all that she keeps feeling at fault (she's not) for moon's issues.#hardly the behavior of someone who 'gave up on him quick'.
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Ep 5!!!
#Episodes that make me go “The author has never talked with a woman ever” 😓😓😓#I don't like how Lucy's character is handled at all. And I feel like I can't talk about it because I'm just going to sound like a bitter–#ss/kk shipper... But I really don't like it. And if it can help my case I'm a multishipper so I really don't take any–#issues with atsu/lucy I like the ship quite a lot actually.#So you're telling me there's this girl... Who meets this boy who pretty much ruined her life by directly causing her to lose her job...#And the next time she sees him she's going to sacrifice her own freedom for him as well as tell him “when you're done doing your things–#come and save me” (longest ewwww ever)... And when she regains freedom (author didn't bother to explain how because they don't care)–#she goes to work... As a waitress at the café beneath his workplace. So he can keep doing his Cool Superpowers Job while she literally–#must serve him every time he visits the place. It's just ?????????????????????????????????#Look‚ I don't dislike Lucy and I feel general affection towards her. It's just that they make her act like no one ever would#Just for the sake of the plot I guess#And like I knoww it's (probably just a little) more nuanced than that. I know Lucy is living her own fairy tale fantasy.#It's just that what I've said about her story is still true‚ you know?#I'm sorry but as sweet as atsu/lucy can be. I really hate the author for making Lucy a waitress. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry.#It's so weird. This anime has women writing standards that feel like dating back to the 20s#Same with Katai and the ideal woman tbh. Like why are women to be seen as this abstract impersonal entities? Why can't they just be people?#Ideal for WHO. It's like super screwed up of a concept. What even is an ideal woman? What does it mean to be a woman anyways?#They just want to say “ideal wife”. But women aren't made to be wives their existence isn't functional to another person.#Sorry. I derail. Next episode is going to be even worse on this front ughhhh#Back to the episode: once again it really shows they were running out of budget with this season‚‚‚ the animation looks very suffered#Too many flashback also... I feel bad for the animators tbh#I don't really like the shift in art style :( Not even Atsushi I found particularly pretty this episode my heart cries#The nail pulling thing made me feel like throwing up afhsjyabfsbfwasfvb I feel like I can bear worse gore but there's a couple of little–#specific things I can't stand and this seems to be one of them pffftttt#I like Higuchi I think she's both very funny and cool. I really wish she was explored more (but then again looking at Teruko... )#The relationship between Kunikida and Katai looks so interesting even though we only get glimpses of it. Kunikida regrets Katai leaving–#the ada but is also happy for him but also worries for him. He comes to his house seemingly to check on him and starts cleaning around.#The way he loves him and cherishes their friendship and shared history is really evident and it makes for a compelling dynamic.#Perhaps I should read their short story... In any case. Going to someone's house and compulsively start doing the dishes half out of will–#to help out half because he can't bear the mess sounds a lot like something I'd do lol
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banging my head into a wall trying to make friends as a dms guy when everybody else in the world likes talking through posts.
#i know people like it because talking thru posts is like more casual and like a discord server#BUT I HATE DISCORD SERVERS TOO BECAUSE ITS HARD FOR ME TO TALK THERE TOO#im a private guy okay i feel shy having a public conversation... like how i make wiener hug me in my car bc im too shy to do that in public#i love dms... i should make like a public guide on how i show im interested in friendship because my signals never work bc theyre too light#if i follow you that is the equivalent to me kissing you directly on the mouth and begging you to play games with me and its not a joke#if i say i recognize you and dont tell you i hate you then that means i like you#following is a big deal for me because its like how some people are casual about hugs and some arent. im not casual about following#i will like someone and still not follow them. i only follow if i actively am begging to be friends or we already are established friends#i think that when i say acquatiance to most people that is what theyd say a friend is#while when i say friend to most people thats what theyd say close friend is#because i like my acquaintances a lot and would vouch for them and enjoy talking to them when i do#its just i think that when i say acquaintance it gives them the impression i dont enjoy conversing much even though i do#average robooty diary entry post with a bunch of bullshit in the tags
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so many project ideas not enough ability..........
#libra.txt#hate it when the disabilities are disabling#i wanna write and i wanna draw and i wanna sew and i wanna have money to move out of this awful house#but i can't make money while on disability (or not TOO much money)#(which isn't going to be a problem regardless bc i have never been able to sell anything in my life)#(okay i have been commissioned ONCE. when i was like. 17? i think? idk it terrified me and that's why i don't do commissions!)#but everything i make is for myself first and that typically means no one else cares. yay#sigh. being hard on myself again.#i need to spend time with people that aren't direct relatives#those three days in richmond (while physically taxing for me) were so fun. it's good to see friends#even though there is still of course the persistent niggling 'what if they secretly don't like me but are too nice to say anything'#but that has been a constant since i was 14 so whatever. ugh. just gotta trust them#*I* still care about my friends so until they say it directly i must aggressively tell myself they like me too#sigh. gotta get back to those xc1 designs#why is art so hard. i hate it here
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