#but my therapist said I should not let this blog overwhelm me with stress

[fashionsfromhistory]

Me every time I log back in to this account

I'm thrilled you're still here! I'm not gonna make any promises but I've missed this blog

[leafinthebreeze]

“The road that is recovery from a childhood without a mother’s love, support, and attunement is long and complicated. One aspect of healing that is rarely touched upon is mourning the mother you needed, sought, and — yes — deserved. The word deserved is key to understanding why this remains elusive for many women (and men): They simply don’t see themselves as deserving, because they’ve internalized what their mothers said and did as self-criticism and have wrongly concluded that they’re lacking, worthless, or simply unlovable.

When I learned that my mother was failing 16 years ago, I did not go to see her, even though everyone in my life — including my therapist — thought I should go for “closure.” But I was wise enough to realize that they hadn’t walked my path, and their vision of closure was based on novels and Hollywood movies in which a-ha! moments flourish and mothers always love. In real life, I would ask the question I always wanted to be answered — “Why didn’t you love me?" — and she would refuse to answer, as always, but this time her silence would stretch out into eternity. I didn’t attend her funeral, either. But I did grieve — not for her, but for me and my unmet needs. And the mother I deserved.

"As I started finally to see her for what she was and how she will never be the mother I need and want, I started standing up for myself and setting boundaries, and her anger and insults got worse. Finally, I put my foot down and told her I would no longer tolerate her behavior and stopped all contact. And, NOW, I am really in mourning. I finally acknowledged the truth, and it hurts like hell. And I’m at the age where some of my friends are starting to lose their moms to old age and their stories, of times with their moms, are heartbreaking to me… I guess I just started this mourning process, and I’m still in it." —Annie

Grieving the mother you needed is impeded by both feeling unworthy of love and, more important, what I call the core conflict. This conflict is between the daughter’s growing awareness of how her mother wounded her in childhood and still does, and her continuing need for maternal love and support, even in adulthood. This pits the need to save and protect herself against the continuing hope that, somehow, she can figure out what she can do to get her mother to love her.

This tug-of-war can go on for literally decades, with the daughter retreating and perhaps going no-contact for a period of time and then being pulled back into the maelstrom by the combination of her neediness, hopefulness, and denial. She may paper over her pain and make excuses for her mother’s behavior because her eyes are on the prize: Her mother’s love. She puts herself on an ever-turning Ferris wheel, unable to dismount.

Those who concede the battle — going no contact, or limiting communication with their mothers and usually other family members — experience great loss along with relief. For the daughter to heal, this loss — the death of the hope that this essential relationship can be salvaged — needs to be mourned along with the mother she deserved.

The depth of the core conflict can be glimpsed in the anguish of those daughters who stay in the relationship precisely because they fear they will feel worse when their mothers die.

The stages of grief echo a daughter’s recovery from childhood.

In their book On Grief and Grieving, Elizabeth Kübler-Ross and David Kessler point out that the five stages of loss for which Kübler-Ross is famous — denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance — aren’t meant “to help tuck messy emotions into neat packages.” They instead emphasize that everyone experiences grief in a unique and individual way. Not everyone will go through each stage, for example, and the stages may not necessarily follow in the expected sequence. That said, the stages are still illuminating, especially when seen in the context of an unloved daughter’s journey out of childhood, and they make it clear why mourning is an essential part of healing.

Denial: As the authors write, “It is nature’s way of letting in as much as we can handle.” With the experience of great loss, denial helps cushion the immediate blow, allowing the person to pace the absorption of the reality. That’s true for death, but it also applies to the daughter’s recognition of her woundedness. That’s why it can take years or decades for the daughter to actually see her mother’s behavior with clarity. Counterintuitively, some women actually only see it in hindsight, after their mothers’ deaths.

Anger: In the wake of death, anger is the most accessible of emotions, directed at targets as various as the deceased for abandoning the loved one, God or the forces of the universe, the unfairness of life, doctors and the healthcare system, and more. Kübler-Ross and Kessler stress that beneath the anger lie other, more complex emotions, especially the raw pain of loss, and that the power of the grieving person’s anger may actually feel overwhelming at times.

Unloved daughters, too, go through a stage or even stages of anger as they work through their emotions toward recovery. Their anger may be directed squarely at their mothers for their treatment, at other family members who stood by and failed to protect them, and also at themselves for not recognizing the toxic treatment sooner.

Anger at the self, alas, can get in the way of the daughter’s ability to feel self-compassion; once again, it is the act of mourning the mother you deserved that permits self-compassion to take root and flower.

Bargaining: This stage has to do with impending death most usually — bargaining with God or making promises to change, thinking that “if only” we’d done x or y, we’d be spared the pain of loss. With death, this is a stage to be passed through toward acceptance of the reality. The unloved daughter’s journey is marked by years of bargaining, spoken or unspoken entreaties in the belief that if some condition is met, her mother will love and support her. She may embark on a course of pleasing and appeasing her mother or make changes to her behavior, looking in vain for the solution that will bring the desired end: Her mother’s love. Just as in the process of grief, it’s only when the daughter ceases to bargain that she can begin to accept the reality that she’s powerless to wrest what she needs from her mother.

Depression: In the context of a major loss, Kübler-Ross and Kessler are quick to point out that we are often impatient with the deep sadness or depression that accompanies it. As a society, we want people to snap out of it, or are quick to insist that if sadness persists, it deserves treatment. They write instead that in grief, “Depression is a way for nature to keep us protected by shutting down the nervous system so that we can adapt to something we feel we cannot handle. They see it as a necessary step in the process of healing.

Acceptance: Most importantly, Kübler-Ross and Kessler are quick to say that acceptance of the reality isn’t a synonym for being all right or even okay with that reality. That’s a key point. It’s about acknowledging the loss, identifying the permanent and even endlessly painful aspects of it, the permanent changes it’s made to your life and you, and learning to live with all of that from this day forward. In their view, acceptance permits us “to withdraw our energy from the loss and begin to invest in life.” Acceptance permits the mourner to forge new relationships and connections as part of their recovery.

What does it mean to mourn the mother you deserved?

Just what it sounds like — to grieve the absence of a mother who listened to you, took pride in you, who needed you to understand her as well as she understood you, a woman willing to own up to her mistakes and not excoriate you for yours, and — yes — someone to laugh and cry with.”

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/tech-support/201703/daughters-unloving-mothers-mourning-the-mom-you-deserved

[ekicanons]

Hey there, welcome to the world of fandom blogs! Do you mind if I request some Obey Me! babies with a S/O who has a tendency to bend over and scream whenever they’re frustrated as a way to deal with their stress or annoyance? Don’t feel pressured to do it if you don’t want to though, and have fun with your new blog!

Hi, there! You’re too kind. Thank you so much for the warm welcome! Sure, I’d love to write this one. I also have a friend contributing to this account, so you’ll get it from two different writers. I’m going to put this under a cut because it got pretty long.

Obey Me boys; S/O has a tendency to bend over and scream whenever they’re frustrated as a way to deal with stress and/or annoyance. - Gender Neutral.

Scenario A: 

Belphie

The only thing that you wanted to do was cuddle up and take a nap with your boyfriend. 

Unfortunately, you were behind on an assignment that was due the next day. Belphie tried to convince you to blow it off, but your conscience wouldn’t let you do that. You were here to go to school after all. 

Beel was in the kitchen, so you were working on the desk in the twin’s room while Belphie slept in his bed. 

You thought that you were almost done, but you flipped the page and found out there as entire second side of equations to work on. You’ve got to be kidding. 

The frustration that had been building up boiled over and without even thinking about it you stood up and bent over, letting out a loud and frustrated scream. 

Belphie woke up startled, rubbing his eyes at the confusion. 

“Y/N why are you yelling?” he asked, his low sleep-laced voice already soothing you. That was, until the guilt hit you for waking him up.

“I’m sorry! I got so frustrated with this assignment that it just came out. I didn’t mean to wake you.” 

Belphie just gave you a sleepy smirk. “Well since it’s your fault that I’m awake, I guess you have to make it up to me. Come lay with me.” 

It’s gotten too difficult to resist at this point, so you easily go up and snuggle into his side. 

“Okay, but only for a few moments and then I’ll get back to work.”

“Mhmm,” Belphie responded, wrapping his arms around you and kissing the top of your hair before resting his head there.

You both knew you weren’t going to get back to it. 

Satan 

You were so frustrated. You had been working days to try and get Lucifer and Mammon to make up with each other after getting in a huge fight. Honestly, you should get paid for being this families therapist. 

After going in circles with the two of them, you decided you were the one that needed to take a breather and left the room, stomping down the hall in frustration. You couldn’t believe the absolute nerve and stubbornness of those two. 

Stopping in the middle of the hall, you bent over and let out a loud scream with your face in your hands. 

“And here I thought that I was the Avatar of Wrath”

You heard an amused voice coming up behind you with a small chuckle to follow. 

Turning around, you saw Satan coming your way. 

You cover your face with your hand, trying to hide your shame and embarrassment from your outburst. 

“Don’t be embarrassed, y/n,” Satan removed your hands from your face, holding them in his own.

Leaning forward, he whispered seductively in your ear. “I actually find it kind of sexy when you get angry.” 

“Y-You can’t just whisper seductive things in my ears and think you can get away with it! Even if you are the demon here!” 

You wrap your arms around his shoulders and surprise him with an intimate kiss. 

This time, he was the one blushing.

Asmo

Asmo’s birthday was coming up and as your significant other, it was your job to get him the absolute best gift he had even seen. 

The Avatar of Lust had tons of admirers who were sure to shower him in gifts, so yours had to be the BEST. 

Hence the built up stress you were now dealing with. 

You were currently standing in a store full of trinkets, looking for the perfect item. Picking up different pieces, nothing really seemed to stand out as good enough. Maybe the next shop would have something. 

When you walked outside, you let out a heavy sigh and bend over, suddenly letting out a stressed scream. 

“Y/N!” you hear the endearing whine of your boyfriend appear from behind you.

Asmo pressed his hips against your bent over form, leaning over you and nuzzling into your back.

“If you bend over like that, you’re just going to get me excited.”

Turning around, you jump into Asmo’s arms, burying your face in his chest. 

“What’s wrong, my cupcake?” Asmo giggles, happily wrapping his arms around you.

“I can’t find the perfect birthday present for you. I’ve looked everywhere and nothing is good enough,” you mumble into his chest.

“It is hard to find the perfect item for someone as perfect as me, but you are the perfect present for me. Especially if you’re naked and wrapped in a bow!” 

Why didn’t you think of that? Of course that was the perfect gift! 

“Let’s go back home. I know the perfect way to de-stress,” Asmo purrs. 

“Are you being naughty again?” 

“I meant painting our nails! Such a dirty mind, y/n! However, if you insist, hmm, hmm!”

Levi

“This is maddening!” Levi threw his handheld game console onto the floor in front of him. 

You were currently hanging out in your boyfriend’s room, your head on his lap as the two of you played a newly released game that Levi had gotten a preorder of for the both of you.

“I must have tried 100 times to beat this boss and I can’t. I don’t deserve my title as gamer. I’m not ready to become a normie.” 

You look up and give him a soft chuckle. “I think you’re being a little dramatic. 

“I’m so frustrated I think I’m going to... explode!” 

“Come on, I’ll show you what I do when I’m frustrated in order to get it all out!” 

You stand up and pull Levi up with you.

“Okay, you just bend over and-,” you let out a scream that makes Levi jump in surprise. 

“Are you trying to pull a prank on me to make me look dumb?” 

“Of course not! It really does help!” you insist. “Come on, I’ll do it with you.” 

You bend over and scream again, but Levi still seems hesitant.

“I’m going to keep doing it until you join me.” 

“Okay, okay, fine! Someone is going to think I’m murdering you in here if you keep going!” 

You and Levi both bend over and let out the loudest and longest yell you possibly can until you’re both out of breath and in a fit of laughter, the frustration that Levi had felt melted away.

Levi wraps his arms around you and pulls you into a hug. “You make me so happy, y/n.” 

Solomon

“Solomon, you may want to go help y/n. It seems like they’re having some kind of meltdown in the hallway,” Simeon told your boyfriend who was still in the classroom. 

Solomon walks into the hallway with curiosity, seeing you bent over with your hands on your knees and letting out a loud yell. 

He was quite surprised. After all, Solomon was someone who usually kept what he was feeling buried inside and a calm composure on the outside. Seeing you so outwardly express your frustration both intrigued him and made him a bit envious. 

“Y/N? Is everything alright?”

You explained to him that you’re feeling stressed and the frustration was building up. You just needed to get it out before it made you explode. 

Solomon proceeded to pull you into a nearby empty classroom. 

“I like your technique, but do you want to see how I ease my stress?” 

You feel the warm welcome of his lips on yours and allow yourself to melt into his kiss, his arms pulling you into a close embrace. 

Maybe this was a good way to get out stress as well.

Mammon

When you suddenly let out a loud yell, Mammon jumped back and jerked his head up to look at you.

“Oi, y/n, what’s the big idea yelling like that? You almost made me drop goldie!” 

Mammon then proceeds to rub the credit card to his face, assuring it that he would never let it fall onto the dirty floor. 

After you tell him why you were screaming, he apologized to Goldie that he would have to put her away for now because you were more important. 

“I know what would make you feel better...,” Mammon tells you before laying down on the couch you were sitting on in his room and resting his head on your lap. 

“Petting my hair is great stress relief. It’s sound proof.” 

You grumble, but find yourself running your fingers through his soft hair, enjoying the look of pleasure on his face. 

It actually was sort of calming you down, like petting a cat.

“See? Fool proof. I’ll always be here for you, y/n. So count on me.”

Simeon

You were dating an angel, literally.

Contrary to the other angel, Luke, Simeon always seemed to be an aura of calmness so you especially liked to be around when you were stressed.

However, you weren’t around Simeon right now and the frustration and stress of of this class was starting to get to you. 

As you walk outside to get some fresh air, you go back to your old ways of coping and lean over and let out a loud scream. 

Almost like he could sense that he felt you needed him, Simeon appeared beside you, a playful chuckle on his lips. 

“Are you okay, y/n? Have you been hanging out with Luke too much?” he would joke about the way you screamed when stressed. 

You would admit to him that you were stressed and frustrated. Simeon would insist on taking you back to his room.

When you got there, he would make you some tea and “borrow” some of the cookies that Luke had just baked for you guys to share. 

Simeon would hold you in his arms and pet your hair until you felt more relaxed, no matter how long it would take.

----------

Scenario B:

Lucifer

Being the eldest, this demon is DOMINANT. He likes to always feel in control and one step ahead of everyone else.  That being said, nothing could have prepared him for the way you dealt with your stress.

One night after dinner, he was going over the class schedule for finals at RAD.  It was overwhelming information and you were so nervous – wanting to do your best and make a good name for humans.  As Lucifer was talking, you just had to release some of that pent up stress.  The two of you were on the stairs, walking to the bedrooms.  You grabbed the railing, leaned your torso back, and let out a scream from the depths of your soul.

 Lucifer was momentarily shocked.  Nothing seemed to jar him, but he was surprised to see this behavior from you.  He was ahead of you on the stairs and stopped to turn around and look at you.

When you finish screaming, breathing slightly heavier and tears forming in your eyes from Emoting™, Lucifer would look at you, a smug smile pulling at his lips.

“Are you done now, y/n?” he’d ask with amusement in his voice, only making you feel more frustrated.

“Come with me.” He’d say, taking you to his room. Once in there he’d place his hands on your shoulders, gently guiding you and pushing down til you were sitting on the edge of his bed.

Lucifer would get on his knees in front of you, thumbs caressing the corner of your eyes, and wiping away any signs of tears.  He’d run his hands down your arms. Once he reaches your hand, he’ll bring it to his mouth, kissing the back of it.

He wasn’t prepared for the emotions coursing through him.  He did not like to see you upset.  After kissing your hand, he’d turn it over, and with his other hand he’d trace the lines on your palms.  With his eyes locked on yours, he’d then bring your fingers to his mouth. Gently sucking on them one at a time.

Lucifer’s goal is to erase the stress and fill it with pleasure.  He’d then spend the rest of the night learning your body, worshiping it, making you quiver and need him.

Till the stress has completely left your mind and all that’s there is the way your body yearns for his.

Mammon

“OH –oh nO. I – I BROKE THEM !!!”

Mammon would completely freak out that he did something to break you (you are a fragile human anyway) He’d probably be like a Sim when there was a fire in the game and just kind of jump around, hands on his head and then hands out stretched towards you, wondering what to do and how to fix you, but not really doing anything except freak out.

After you finally finish your scream, he would let out a sigh of relief.

Looking into your eyes after you had let out your emotions, Mammon would be able to tell that something was off.  The stress had turned your normally bright eyes lifeless. And where there was normally a beautiful smile was replaced by a pout.  This made Mammon’s own lips turn down in a frown.

It was out of character for you and he wanted to make the sadness go away.  The greedy demon uncharacteristically put you before him.  I mean, he is the FIRST demon you made a pact with.  He’d justify his behavior by telling his brothers he can’t have you being stressed or sad because it would reflect badly on him since he’s pacted with you (but everyone knows that he truly cares for you)

Mammon would run up to his room and go into his secret stash of money that he was saving for a new jacket that was going to be released soon at Majolish.  He’d grab you and take you out of the House of Lamentation.

Mammon would spend the rest of the day trying to distract you so you wouldn’t focus on the negative feelings you were having before the scream.

He’d take you to the movies; a romantic comedy would do the trick.  He’d have you smuggle in candy from the grocery store (the Avatar of Greed does not pay for over priced movie theater candy) and he made a mental note of which candies were your favorite as you had shopped.

The whole time during the movie, he’d be holding your hand or resting his hand on your thigh, rubbing it to give you comfort.

 After the movie to make sure that all of the earlier negativity was gone, you two would go on a walk through the flower garden at RAD before going back home and snuggling up.

Levi

As soon as you lean back and start screaming Levi would look at at you in utter confusion. He’s not really sure how non-virtual humans act so he thinks this might be some kind of weird human mannerism.

Levi also leans back and let’s out a scream as well, but there is a hint of questioning in his tone as he hopes he’s doing it right. After you finish he abruptly stops too.

“So, what did we do that for?” he’d ask you seriously.  Then you’d explain to him how when you feel overly frustrated, annoyed, or stressed it helps you relieve some of the emotions.  Which causes him to panic, thinking he may have annoyed you in some way.

He’d ask you to come with him to his room, where he’d frantically tell you that you could borrow ANY manga from his collection, play any of his games, even the newest one that just came in from Akuzon.

His worried frenzy of offering you some of his favorite stuff makes you let out a chuckle.  Which is a HUGE relief to him to see you smile.  You let him know that his stress isn’t caused by him, but if he wants to help you know something that would work.

So you both end up lying cuddled together in his bathtub while you watch season one of TSL. It’s his absolute favorite but he can’t even focus on watching it (though he has the whole thing memorized anyway).  His cheeks burn red and his heart pounds loudly as he holds you in his tub, SO nervous but wanting to do anything to make you feel better.

Satan

He would immediately know something’s wrong once he gets over the initial shock of seeing you lean back and scream.  Before you can even finish your scream, he grabs you by the wrist and drags you out the door.

You’re so shocked and still frustrated from all that’s on your mind to even stop him or ask him what he was doing.  But he pulls you through the streets until you reach the local pet store.

He let’s go of your wrist once you’re in the store and you watch the kittens playing in the window as he walks up to the store owner.  He’d then convince (threaten) the owner to let you into the display where all of the kittens are.

At first, he would lean back against the wall and watch how happy you look as you hold up a toy for a kitten while others crawl on your lap trying to get you attention.

Eventually you look up and meet his soft gaze and beckon him to come join you, and the demon cannot resist.  The two of you laugh and enjoy your time playing with the kittens together.  Finally when the owner makes you both leave, you let out a sigh, sad that your time with Satan is going to be over soon and scared you’ll fall back into your negative thoughts.

But he won’t let that happen.  When you get back to the House of Lamentation he grabs your wrist again and pulls you into his room.

Satan sits down on his bed and pulls you into his lap.  He grabs a book from his night table, opening it to a random page.

You don’t object and lean your back into him as he rests his head on your shoulder and soothingly reads to you.

Asmo

Asmo would bring his hand to his mouth, shocked that someone as beautiful as you could lean back and let out such an unbecoming sound.  Though he is shocked, he still loves you nonetheless and knows that something must be bothering you.

So he grabs your hand and takes you into his room.

He throws you one of his softest robes and urges you to change into it.  While you’re changing behind his folding screen, he lights incense with an aroma that’s suppose to be stress relieving.

After you’re done changing, he dons a robe as well and starts mixing together the best facemasks he has.

The whole time, he’s talking to you non-stop about anything and everything.  About what he did today, new products soon to be released and how soft and they were going to make his skin.

He’s hoping it distracts you from whatever had gotten into your head to cause you to scream like that.  He covers your face in the concoction he made before spreading it onto his face as well.

He decides to pull out the foot spa he has and gives you a pedicure, a leg massage, and all out pamper you to help relieve your stress.

Though, his condition is that since he’s pampering you, you have to pamper him as well (though he didn’t tell you about this condition til he was done) but it was just his way of keeping you with him and so he could enjoy the feel of your hands on him.

Beel

As soon as you lean back and scream, Beel would be very worried (and a little frightened) and run away from you.

Though he would quickly come back a minute later with a plate full of chocolates, cake, and cookies (each with a bite taken out of it) and a glass of milk.

He’d find a place to sit down with you and hold your hand, leaning towards you as he would rub circles in the back of your hand and ask if you were okay or wanted to talk about it.

Beel is such a good listener.

He stays with you as you vent all of your stress to him, talking in between bites of the sweets he got for you.

He’d try so hard not to look at the plate of sweets.

He wants to be completely focused on you, and he does.

He takes in every single word you say, though he cannot stop his stomach from growling loudly when food was close.

You’d ask him to lean forward, feeding him a piece of cookie which he graciously takes, but you give him a quick peck on the lips before he’s able to pull away and thank him for the treats and for listening.

Belphie

As soon as you let out your scream, Belphie would just blink and stare at you.  Not really sure what it means or why you were doing it.

He would be able to pick up on your energy and could tell you were feeling agitated and stressed.

He’s so used to picking up Beel’s emotions and now that he’s become close to you, it’s easier to read and feel you out.

Once he’s able to determine that you’re stressed, it doesn’t matter where you are, that boy will throw his spotted pillow down on the floor and lay on it.

“Y/n, come here. Right now.” His demanding tone pulls you out of your scream.

Whenever Belphie got bossy, it usually did you best to listen.  Still a little shaky from emotions, you would tentatively join him, lying down.

He’d turn you so your back was facing him.  Pulling you close, he would throw his leg over you and hold you tight as his face nuzzled into your neck.

You’d try to ask him what he was doing, but he’d just stop you from talking.  It was not the time for questions, only cuddles.  And you needed it.  You needed the break – to calm down and relax even if it was in the middle of the floor.

The weight of his body on you, the smell of him, and the sound of his breathing would lull you into a much-needed nap.

[shiishki]

okay wait, i changed my mind. you should answer all of these questions as well, if that's what you want from me >:)

oof there's a lot of it, that's what i get for wanting to be ✨aesthetic✨

1: 6 of the songs you listen to most?

vowels (and the importance of being me) - hunny

honeypie - jawny

pretty young thing - michael jackson

mirrors - justin timberlake

sunflower - red orange county

paradise - rude-a

2: If you could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be?

a therapist.

ok someone else.. uhh,, my grand grandma because i only have scratches of memories but i dunno if that counts since she passed away...

*rummages through ancient scripts* uhh ok someone who isn't dead.. uhm,, tommie? yeah I'd like to meet them if i could meet anyone on earth

3: Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 23, give me line 17.

ok, the closest german, english or polish book? nvm i have english

"suddenly was. So I just said thank you a few times too, and Mum" ironically this is one of the normal lines in this book

4: What do you think about most?

the fact that I'll have to do something after school. and I don't know if i want to go to college or get a job bc i have no legitimate idea on what to do with my life. it gets overwhelming, just the lack of knowledge about the actual experience.

5: What does your latest text message from someone else say?

Ok

6: Do you sleep with or without clothes on?

with, tho i sleep with just shorts in summer

7: What’s your strangest talent?

not sure if it's a talent, but i can fall asleep anywhere

8: Girls… (finish the sentence); Boys… (finish the sentence)

girls are pretty. boys are pretty

9: Ever had a poem or song written about you?

by me, yes. no one else has written a poem about me specifically. nvm, tommie wrote one and it shall rest on my wall, or desk, i need to find a place for it

10: When is the last time you played the air guitar?

uhh i think last month?

11: Do you have any strange phobias?

i don't think so, but i am hella afraid of the possibly gigantic, terrifying things in the ocean depths that humans haven't discovered yet

12: Ever stuck a foreign object up your nose?

yep, beloved legos as a lil child

13: What’s your religion?

i can't ever remember the name, but i believe gods (from all religions) exist in some way or form. so i believe in different pantheons and etc.

14: If you are outside, what are you most likely doing?

walking my doggo, skateboarding, thinking about how to make the lives of my characters worse

15: Do you prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it?

behind it.

16: Simple but extremely complex. Favorite band?

uhmm the arctic monkeys? or the strokes

17: What was the last lie you told?

i know what i want

18: Do you believe in karma?

yes, the rule of three specifically

19: What does your URL mean?

i don't know. it's something me and my sis came up with and that's just my whole identity now.

20: What is your greatest weakness; your greatest strength?

uhh greatest weakness.. i can't finish things. strength is that I'm very stubborn so maybe I'll finish that thing out of spite

21: Who is your celebrity crush?

i grew up thinking crushes were like unicorns. my ex was odd enough to argue with that i didn't love her if i didn't have a crush on her. but I think if i had to guess.. selena gomez, especially in the role of alex russo in wizard of weverly street

22: Have you ever gone skinny dipping?

nope

23: How do you vent your anger?

i write angry letters. sometimes they're sad letters. i write a lot of letters. except i never send them out and no one made a movie about them :}

24: Do you have a collection of anything?

jars and witchy bottles, books? scented candles

25: Do you prefer talking on the phone or video chatting online?

phone calls are stressful enough as is, i don't need you to see my reading off what i frantically wrote to not stumble over my words

26: Are you happy with the person you’ve become?

i think so, yes, but that won't stop me from becoming better

27: What’s a sound you hate; sound you love?

hate flies buzzing right by my ear, love cat purring

28: What’s your biggest “what if”?

what if I'd been born in a place where it was illegal for me (nonbinary) to live, in a time when others thought of me as a curse?

29: Do you believe in ghosts? How about aliens?

they be chilling.

30: Stick your right arm out; what do you touch first? Do the same with your left arm.

right arm, doggo, left arm, pillow

31: Smell the air. What do you smell?

fresh air and doggo, because doggo is with me and I can't live without open windows

32: What’s the worst place you have ever been to?

i dunno tbh

33: Choose: East Coast or West Coast?

which one is less homophobic?

34: Most attractive singer of your opposite gender?

every gender is my opposite gender. selena gomez and justin timberlake

35: To you, what is the meaning of life?

to make it easier for people down the line

36: Define Art.

make thing, thing goes woo

37: Do you believe in luck?

yis

38: What’s the weather like right now?

it's nice actually, very sunny, slight breeze

39: What time is it?

12.59 am

40: Do you drive? If so, have you ever crashed?

i don't, but i once crashed into a fire department vehicle with my bike. bike ded.

41: What was the last book you read?

Crooked Kingdom by Leigh Bardugo

42: Do you like the smell of gasoline?

i legit ass don't know what gasoline smells like.

43: Do you have any nicknames?

many variations of my name, aka. Luce

44: What was the last film you saw?

i think it was Robin Hood: King of Thieves, but it might have been that half of spider-man homecoming i managed to watch with my poor internet

45: What’s the worst injury you’ve ever had?

oh man i dunno... it's not an injury, but i was very sickly as a lil kid and almost died :)

46: Have you ever caught a butterfly?

once, years ago

47: Do you have any obsessions right now?

hmmm horizon zero dawn i think

48: What’s your sexual orientation?

proud pansexual ^^

49: Ever had a rumour spread about you?

not really, i don't think they're big enough to be actual rumors,, meh

50: Do you believe in magic?

yis

51: Do you tend to hold grudges against people who have done you wrong?

meh. they suck, i know they suck, that's it.

52: What is your astrological sign?

cancer ♋

53: Do you save money or spend it?

i attempt saving. attempt

54: What’s the last thing you purchased?

for my own money, sweets. i bought lizards for my cats so they can brush their teeth from my dad's amazon acc

55: Love or lust?

luv

56: In a relationship?

nope, i buy my own cookies

57: How many relationships have you had?

1, kinda toxic toward the end, very stressful, don't recommend

58: Can you touch your nose with your tongue?

nu ><

59: Where were you yesterday?

on the fields walking my doggo

60: Is there anything pink within 10 feet of you?

yep, a pastel pink hoodie in my closet uwu

61: Are you wearing socks right now?

yis, thicc warm socks

62: What’s your favourite animal?

cats

63: What is your secret weapon to get someone to like you?

cuddles and food.

64: Where is your best friend?

bold of you to assume i have a best friend.

65: Give me your top 5 favourite blogs on Tumblr.

tommie-hildebrandt, kageyuji, nekomas-kuroo, joyful-soul-collector

66: What is your heritage?

I'm a demon boi from Poland tho that's not a thing to be proud of, i mean, look at the economy. awful.

67: What were you doing last night at 12AM?

sleeping, trying to sleep.

68: What do you think is Satan’s last name?

Pinkton. or Satan.

69: Be honest. Ever gotten yourself off?

this is such an odd combination of words i had to look it up. yea.

70: Are you the kind of friend you would want to have as a friend?

a friend who won't laugh at me when i ask them to order smth for me because I'm too anxious to.

71: You are walking down the street on your way to work. There is a dog drowning in the canal on the side of the street. Your boss has told you if you are late one more time you get fired. What do you do?

excuse me? i am saving the doggo wtf. f u boss, I'm gonna sell my tragic story to the news.

72: You are at the doctor’s office and she has just informed you that you have approximately one month to live. a) Do you tell anyone/everyone you are going to die? b) What do you do with your remaining days? c) Would you be afraid?

a) i tell my parents. b) live the hell out of them uwu c) nope uwu.

73: You can only have one of these things; trust or love.

trust.

74: What’s a song that always makes you happy when you hear it?

history maker - dean fujioka :]

75: What are the last four digits in your cell phone number?

3332

76: In your opinion, what makes a great relationship?

communication, trust, some more communication.

77: How can I win your heart?

let's not pretend to be something else to please each other, and bring some bitter chocolate.

78: Can insanity bring on more creativity?

maybe. it could. i don't have a say in it since my sanity is held by tape.

79: What is the single best decision you have made in your life so far?

eat the pizza. stop caring about others not liking me/parts of me. just living for myself uwu.

80: What size shoes do you wear?

uh i dunno how the american sizes work and i don't wanna look it up so, 39, 40 fits too.

81: What would you want to be written on your tombstone?

demon boi

82: What is your favourite word?

socks.

83: Give me the first thing that comes to mind when you hear the word; heart.

the bloody organ that sits in your chest and pumps blood into your body so you don't die.

84: What is a saying you say a lot?

uhm im not sure if that counts as a saying, but fake it till you make it

85: What’s the last song you listened to?

blinding lights - the weeknd

86: Basic question; what’s your favourite colour/colours?

oh a normal question people use for ice breaking, sea blue and pastel variations of it.

87: What is your current desktop picture?

like my wallpaper? or the actual picture that sits on my desk? or how my desk looks like atm? it's ugly, a lot of papers and pens and schoolbooks.

88: If you could press a button and make anyone in the world instantaneously explode, who would it be?

donald trump. or the next asshole who'll try to take the rights of the lgbt and poc away

89: What would be a question you’d be afraid to tell the truth on?

this. this is the question.

90: One night you wake up because you heard a noise. You turn on the light to find that you are surrounded by MUMMIES. The mummies aren’t really doing anything, they’re just standing around your bed. What do you do?

yo there's a pizza somewhere in the refrigerator, want me to heat it up? we can have a sleep over and talk about our feelings :3

91: You accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what’s even cooler is that they endow you with the super-power of your choice! What is that power?

telekinesis! or shapeshifting! i could do such fun things with telekinesis ^^ yeah I'd totally eat some radioactive veggies

92: You can re-live any point of time in your life. The time-span can only be a half-hour, though. What half-hour of your past would you like to experience again?

that time my "friends" got me into shoplifting, half-hour is more than enough to punch some sense into my brain and develop good music taste

93: You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be?

can i save this one? i don't think i have an experience horrible enough to be erased haha

94: You have the opportunity to sleep with the music-celebrity of your choice. Who would it be?

sleep as in.. uh no thank u. but I'm down for a sleep over with sam smith ^^

95: You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere. You have to depart right now. Where are you gonna go?

just me? what about my pets? my fam? it's lowkey illegal for me to go just anywhere without them owO

uhhmm, greece. imma become part of the greek pantheon out of pure spite. and maybe toronto canada.

96: Do you have any relatives in jail?

not any that i know of o.o

97: Have you ever thrown up in the car?

i think i may have but i honestly don't remember

98: Ever been on a plane?

nope, i dunno if i like planes, but I'd probably sleep if i were on one.

99: If the whole world were listening to you right now, what would you say?

yeet.

[wobbly-flamingo]

Hello! I’ve started a new blog with more of an MS-focus.

The good, the bad and the ugly

This week I want to talk about inclusion, as it’s National Inclusion Week. Specifically, I’ll be comparing my new, very inclusive employer to my previous, very non-inclusive employer where I experienced discrimination, bullying, exclusion, sexual harassment, verbal abuse from senior colleagues, gas-lighting, unfair treatment, and a generally very toxic work environment.

To start, the good! I’ve been working in my current job for 3 months now and it’s by far the most inclusive and supportive environment I’ve worked in. By really far. I was astonished in my first few days to realise how much of an emphasis there is on wellbeing for employees and how many resources there are for us. There are multiple staff diversity networks - I am a member of the LGBT+ staff network, the disability staff network and the women in work network. There are regular “Let’s talk about...” meetings hosted by the networks and I try to attend one every couple of weeks. There’s a lot of encouragement in our department, to focus on your own wellbeing and keep yourself well. In my experience so far, there’s a very high level of engagement around wellbeing between co-workers, line managers and departmental heads. Whenever I have a catch up with my line manager the first item on the agenda is for her to ask me about my wellbeing. She regularly asks if there is anything they can do to support me, and makes really useful suggestions. For my interview, the interviewers asked me if I wanted any reasonable adjustments! I did. And they were happy to oblige. It’s the most positive and supportive professional environment I’ve worked in. Despite the fact that I am working longer hours in this job than I was previously, I am able to cope better because the resources are there and the support system is there. Plus, I love my job!

Now for the bad and ugly... I experienced so much toxicity at my previous job that I could be here for days talking about it. So I’m just going to give a couple of examples. Before my MS diagnosis, I didn’t hate my job, I thought it was alright. But I noticed very early on that they had an incredibly toxic and unhealthy work environment. I was bullied, I was verbally abused by senior colleagues, I was sexually harassed. After my diagnosis however, things got MUCH WORSE. The bullying really went up a notch, the verbal abuse by senior colleagues did not stop, neither did the sexual harassment; on top of this I started to experience a lot of unfair treatment, exclusion from work events and team activities, discrimination, and gaslighting by a very senior colleague.

I was hospitalised on my 30th birthday and spent most of the day in the MRI scanner. A few days later I was diagnosed. After getting out of hospital I was signed off sick for a couple of weeks. On reflection I wish I had stayed off work for longer. I was honest with my employer from the start, and while I was in hospital my parents had been phoning up to keep them in the loop. My employer decided to share my very personal diagnosis around the office so that everyone knew, which is completely against company policy but whatever. Anyway just a few days after getting back to work, I started getting incredibly unhelpful comments and questions such as “you need to engage your brain more” and “couldn’t you have tried harder today?”. I was criticised constantly for not working fast or hard enough, for struggling with concentration, and for making small errors. I tried countless times to explain that cognitive impairment is a very common MS symptom and that I was struggling with my cognition and fatigue, among other significant symptoms. I was on reduced hours for absolutely ages, at the advice from several medical professionals and occupational therapists.

I had people go behind my back and report to my line manager that they had caught me (after 5pm and therefore after working hours) campaigning for climate justice and that they were “concerned for my health”. Pahahahahahaha. Naturally my line manager didn’t defend me and instead pulled me into a meeting to ask me about it. I pointed out that it’s nobody’s business what I do in my spare time as long as it doesn’t conflict with company policy.

I was told I was over-reacting to situations and making THEIR lives difficult! I mean wow. I’ve just been diagnosed with a life-long, incurable, debilitating disease, and this was apparently making things difficult for them...

Despite having very obvious mobility difficulties and walking with a stick, I was being asked to take senior colleagues’ paperwork up and down stairs for them (not part of my job) and when I said that I was in too much pain to be doing this, I was told to stop being difficult and that I should be seeing this as an opportunity to expand my job role!! It does actually make me laugh now. But at the time I didn’t find it funny; in fact I had no idea how to deal with it.

When I told my line manager one day that I was struggling with stress and feeling overwhelmed with work, to the point that I was heading for a breakdown, I was told that “everyone is under pressure so we just need to get our heads down”. Helpful.

For the majority of the 2.5 years I was there, I was regularly verbally abused by a senior colleague. Apparently he had treated other members of staff the same way and got away with it also. Colleagues of mine had to actually leave the room when he spoke to me in that manner because it made them uncomfortable. During the height of the pandemic when most of us were home working, this abuse was just given over the phone instead. There was one particularly bad incident last Summer, where he was shouting down the phone at me and got real personal. When I mentioned this to my line manager and said I no longer wanted to converse with this person, I was told that it was literally part of my job so I had no choice but to continue our working relationship, despite how intimidated I felt. The one person who should have had my back, did not take it seriously. Worse than that, the regional director was in the same room as the bully so had overheard his side of the conversation, and I naively thought “good news, someone that overheard the conversation can back me up” but nope - instead he said that my version of what had happened was untrue and that I was over-reacting.

Unfortunately it took me about 7/8 months after this incident to find the right job, but boy am I glad to be out of there! Toxic was probably an understatement really. The sad thing is that there was a small handful of people there that I did get on with and would have liked to keep in touch with, but I have sort of cut all ties with the place, and I am much healthier and happier for it!

[artificialqueens]

From Under Liquid Glass (2) (Branjie)- Ortega

a/n: somebody said they wanted another lil chapter to this, so i hope u all enjoy! it’s been quite a while since the first chapter was posted, so if u want to catch up u can read here! I hope u all enjoy it, and as always feel free to send love to AQ or to my blog!!

Trigger Warning: lots of discussion around anxiety throughout the whole fic so just generally would say avoid if that’s something that’s going to potentially affect u

Summary: Brooke Lynn Hytes was always told she’d have it all. She was never told that “all” would include crippling anxiety. Signed off from work at 27, Brooke moves back to her childhood home and has to get her head around her fall from grace.

Vanessa “Vanjie” Mateo has no job, no degree, and -£32.65 to her name, but she prides herself on keeping a level head. That all changes when a certain high school crush moves back into town and back into her life.

***

Brooke sat in a slightly cushioned red chair with a curved back, rendering her almost horizontal in the way it reclined. Opposite her in an identical chair was an older woman of around 40, who wore thick-rimmed purple glasses and had ensured the whole room smelt of incense sticks. So far she was filling every therapist stereotype in the book.

“So the purpose of today’s session, Brooke Lynn,” she said, in a voice so calming it made her sound like she’d been tranquilised and was moments away from passing out. “Is to just let me get to know a bit about you and your situation and what’s brought you here to me.”

Brooke ran a hand through her hair and shrugged. “I’ve been…signed off from work. With stress.“

The woman sat opposite her, simply looking. Not staring. Not replying. Just looking. It soon became clear that she wasn’t going to speak, so Brooke sighed, crossed a leg and opened her mouth again. "And…it fucking sucks? Like I’ve been off for a couple of days now and I’m waiting for the moment where I don’t wake up feeling guilty as all hell and panicked and wanting to go back and work through it, but I know if I go back nothing will have changed and they’ll treat me like I’m all better and I won’t be.”

The woman pushed her glasses up her nose. “You mentioned ‘they’, who’s 'they’, Brooke Lynn?"

Brooke frowned, disliking the use of her name. It felt too personal, too familiar. She had only just met the woman and here she was about to tell her all her life story? There was no way she could do this.

Nevertheless, she puffed a lot of air out of her cheeks and continued. "My management. They don’t care about staff wellbeing. As long as there’s a body in the room, they’re happy.”

The woman nodded slowly, then cast an eye to the forms on the small coffee table beside her that Brooke had filled in just moments ago. “So you’re a secondary school teacher. It must be a very high-pressured job- exam grades to be met, reports to write, challenging behaviour?"

Brooke knew what she was trying to do, to get her to reveal more information without really asking her anything. It grated on her, and part of Brooke wanted to call her out on it irritably but then she’d be filling another therapy stereotype, the guarded, cranky patient who didn’t want to let her walls down, so she didn’t. "Yes. I teach dance, so. There’s lots of pressure to get my kids into dance schools as well. From parents, from management, from the kids.”

“And do you feel that some of that pressure comes from yourself?” the therapist asked. Brooke was taken aback by the question. She furrowed her brows.

“I mean…yeah, I guess? I always tend to put pressure on myself but that’s how I function, it’s how I work best, under pressure. So there’s always got to be a bit of that.”

“And do you feel under pressure just now, being off work?”

Brooke again was unsure. She thought of her answer for a moment before she said it, the room filled with silence. “I guess not? I mean no, maybe, yeah. Pressure to come back, I suppose.”

“Okay. Let’s take right now. Are you feeling under any pressure?"

Brooke blinked. If she thought about it too much, then yeah, sure. But at the moment, in the moment, she felt fine. She felt safe, if guarded. "No.”

“And are you still functioning?”

“…Yes.”

“So you don’t really need to pressure yourself to work hard. Do you?”

Brooke felt her eyebrows raise. Her voice caught in her throat. “I…guess not.”

There was a small pause. The woman nodded back at her. “Maybe something that we can work on is…thinking in the moment.”

Brooke felt an odd sense of clarity. Was this how therapy was supposed to feel? “Okay. Sure.”

The therapist moved on. “So you detailed you were living at home for the time being. What’s your support system like here?”

“Uh, there’s my Mum and my Dad. Both still working, inexplicably, since they both should’ve retired a couple years ago. They’re sweet and supportive but I don’t feel like I can really properly talk to them, you know?”

The therapist nodded and said nothing. This was like pulling teeth.

“Uh, there’s my cat, Henry. Well, he’s not strictly my cat, he’s the family cat.”

“And what about friends?” the woman asked inquisitively, Brooke shrugging easily.

“Yeah, I mean I have-” she cut herself off. Yvie? Plastique? Bianca? Scarlet? Detox? No. None of them she could really call support. Nina? She was sweet, but she was a work friend, plus she was now miles away back in the city. Who did Brooke actually have? The thought sobered her, and she clammed up. The therapist gently spoke again.

“We don’t have to discuss friendships today if that’s a particularly sore subject for you, but it’s good that you at least have family around you at this time.”

“It’s not that it’s a sore subject, I guess I just…” Brooke sighed, feeling a lump in her throat which she quickly swallowed down. “I just didn’t realise how few friends I have any more.”

“It’s natural to lose contact with people as you grow older. Perhaps one thing you could decide to do with your time off is to catch up with old friends while you have the time. It may help you feel more grounded, or lift your mood,” the woman suggested gently. Brooke watched as she glanced to the clock on her desk. “That’s almost it for the time we have. Next session we’ll talk a bit more in detail about what we’ve covered just now, but it was good to meet you today, Brooke Lynn, and to get to know you a bit. Is there anything you’d like to ask me?”

Brooke thought. “Uh, how many of these sessions would you say I had to have before I start feeling…you know. Myself again.”

Her therapist set her mouth in an awkward line. “That’s not for me to say. It’s whenever you feel ready and whatever pace you move at over the course of these sessions. It’s entirely your decision.”

Brooke nodded briefly. That was good. She enjoyed having the control, enjoyed feeling like she could stop at any time.

“What time would suit you for next week’s session?”

Brooke cracked a smile. “Uh, well, I’m pretty easy, what with the whole being signed off work thing.”

The woman opposite her just looked at her expectantly. Tough crowd, therapists. Brooke picked the same day, same time and then left the building, the professional, office-like facade rendering none of the general public able to tell that Brooke has just been to see someone because she was ever so slightly fucking loopy. She felt as if she was part of Men In Black. Or the MIB would have to stand for something else. Mentally Ill Bitch? That should do it.

Checking the time and slowing down outside a coffee shop, she shrugged. It was just past 10 and she hadn’t had any breakfast yet, unless she counted a beta blocker and a cup of tea. She pushed the door and headed inside, the smell of coffee hitting her instantly and reminding her of work, an uneasy feeling creeping up in her chest. The feeling only got worse when she saw who was in the queue one person ahead of her. She heard her before she saw her, Vanessa shouting up an order for a cappuccino loudly over the banging and whirring of the coffee machines. She was dressed in a smart red pinafore dress with a black top underneath, its ¾ length sleeves showing off her tanned arms. Brooke was thrown, looking at the ceiling, the floor, the suspicious-looking cheese and mushroom toasties on display, anything and anywhere apart from the girl’s face. Brooke felt herself hold her breath. Why the fuck was she destined to bump into Vanessa every time she looked like a demon from an M. Night Shyamalan movie? Her hair (clean, but not blow-dried so all her ends were dry and frizzy) was swept up into an unattractive ponytail that made her look like a forgotten Mitchell brother, she didn’t have a scrap of makeup on her face, and all her clothes were the ones from uni she’d neglected to take with her when she moved so she was wearing dark blue jeans, white converse, and a horrific blue sweatshirt patterned with sushi with “THIS IS HOW I ROLL” in huge white letters across the front, which had seemed like a good idea to nineteen-year-old Brooke.

And then Vanessa turned around and hit her with a huge beaming smile, her face lighting up in surprise. Fuck. For a huge town, it did simultaneously seem really quite small.

“Hey! Brooke Lynn! Come up! She’s with me,” Vanessa gestured and said to the barista, an awkward Brooke shuffling past the man in front of her and over to Vanessa. “How are you?”

“I’m alright, thanks- uh, an almond croissant and a flat white, please,” Brooke said to the man across the counter from her, cringing as she felt the judgemental eyes of the man queueing behind her boring into her. Trying to ignore her overwhelming embarrassment at feeling watched, she turned to Vanessa instead. “How are you?”

“I’m fuckin’ peachy, girl. Gone and got myself an interview, haven’t I?” Vanessa smiled proudly, a smile involuntarily springing to Brooke’s face.

“Oh, wow, that’s great! Congratulations!"

"Yeah, well, it’s only Lidl. It’s not amazing. But I’m still excited,” Vanessa shrugged, Brooke clocking the dimples that appeared as the other girl smiled. Had they always been a thing?

“You could say you’re a Lidl bit excited,” Brooke said, completely monotone as Vanessa snorted a laugh and thumped her on the arm. Brooke was distracted by the barista who asked her if she wanted her food to take away. Brooke gave a quick glance at Vanessa, who smiled hesitantly.

“I’ve got mine to sit in. I’ve got twenty minutes or so before I have to head for my train, you can come join me if you want,” she shrugged lightly, Brooke feeling a blush hit her cheeks. Why? Why was she blushing? It was only a girl from high school asking her to hang out.

“Sure. Sitting in then, please,” Brooke smiled tightly at the barista. She held her card out to tap against the reader, but before she could even react, Vanessa had leaned across and got her own card there first. Brooke turned to her with narrowed eyes and the other girl smirked cheekily. “You’re literally unemployed.”

“Oh, what, and a bitch can’t treat a girl to nice things?” Vanessa snapped, her face at once furious, and Brooke felt her own blanche in horror. A tsunami of relief washed over her as Vanessa suddenly laughed, her eyes crinkling up at the edges. “Jesus H Christ, you’re far too easy to wind up. You’re like a lil’ clockwork toy.”

Brooke felt her cheeks grow hot. Blushing again. What the fuck?

They took their drinks to a small seat beside the window, where the glass was wet and misty from condensation and the people passing outside moved like ghosts. Vanessa curled her hands around the huge mug of coffee, neglecting to sip it yet and instead choosing to tilt her head and smile at Brooke gently. “So, you’re up kinda early for a bitch that’s off work. You not livin’ the high life watching Judge Rinder and sleepin’ in til noon an’ shit?”

Brooke gave a laugh. “I was at therapy.”

“Damn, well I really put my foot in it there,” Vanessa gave a slightly choked cough and smiled guiltily at Brooke. “I’m sorry, girl. How was it? You make any amazing breakthroughs?”

“Well it was only the first session. It was mainly just me filling out paperwork and telling her about my life and stuff,” Brooke shrugged, looking down as she ripped her croissant in two. When she looked up, Vanessa was biting back a smile, her eyes sparkling a little.

“Damn. You paid forty pounds for that?”

Brooke raised an unimpressed eyebrow at the girl opposite her, trying and failing to hold back a smile at Vanessa’s mischievous grin. “Forty five actually.”

“Oh, my bad. Sorry. Forty five,” Vanessa smirked, Brooke laughing in spite of herself. “Shit, maybe I should become a terrapin.”

“…therapist,” Brooke corrected her, a little awkward. As Vanessa snorted at herself, her cheeks grew red in a blush that only seemed to make her more endearing. Intrigued, Brooke tilted her head. “Okay, then, Miss Therapist. What would you say to me? What advice would you give?”

“Well, I’d just say that…” Vanessa began, looking a little lost. Snapping her gaze back to Brooke, her face seemed to soften. It set off a warm feeling that spread across Brooke’s heart and out into her chest. “I’d say that things look really shitty now, but it’s always darkest before dawn, y’know, and tomorrow’s another day. Just try not to look at things long-term. I don’t know, I know I hardly know you, really, but you just seem like someone who has this big five-year-plan. You don’t have to, girl. You’re what, twenty-seven?”

“Good to know I look my age,” Brooke quipped dryly. Vanessa kicked her underneath the table.

“Bitch, I know how old you are! I was fourteen when you were eighteen, so you’re twenty-seven now! Am I wrong?”

“Do you call all your clients bitches?” Brooke asked, raising a single eyebrow.

“Only the pretty ones,” Vanessa gave her a look that Brooke couldn’t make out, but she knew it made her cross her legs under the table and squeeze her thighs together. Vanessa raised her coffee to her lips and gave a light shrug. “And the ones that are bitches, of course.”

Brooke snorted a laugh. “Okay, so that’s your advice? One day at a time, it’s always darkest before dawn? Damn, I’ve never visited a therapist that speaks entirely in cliches.”

Vanessa finished drinking and put her mug down. “Ah, but I actually gave you advice! Which is more than yours did today, what’d she do, give you some forms and listen to your life story?”

“Stop trash-talking my therapist, god,” Brooke rolled her eyes, Vanessa laughing playfully opposite her. Her deep brown eyes seemed to light up every time she laughed or smiled, giving them a sparkle that Brooke couldn’t help but be drawn to. “You’re not getting paid for that, by the way.”

“Damn. Shame, really. I could use it if this job interview goes to shit,” Vanessa shrugged, her smile turning the slightest bit sad as she turned to look out the window. “Which it prolly will.”

“Don’t say that! It’ll be fine. Better than fine! You’ll be great,” Brooke insisted, almost falling over herself to reassure Vanessa. God, why was she so nervous all of a sudden? It was probably the anxiety. It definitely wasn’t the smile Vanessa sent her way in return.

“You’re sweet,” she said softly, a slight flush of red hitting her cheeks.

Yep. Definitely the anxiety. Not Vanessa’s outrageously fucking beautiful face.

“Well, I’m telling the truth! You’d be great in retail, I don’t know why people aren’t falling over themselves to employ you.”

“Brooke, when I said I didn’t have any quali…qualificitations…”

“Qualifications.”

“…fuckin’, A-Levels. I meant it. I have nothin’. I’m fuckin’ Whitney Houston over here,” Vanessa gave a small laugh, sighing as she took another sip. Brooke couldn’t help but mirror the sigh.

“If you don’t mind me asking…how come?” Brooke asked tentatively, cushioning the invasive question with a compliment. “You always struck me as someone really bright,”

Vanessa snorted. “Your judgement’s poor, boo. I’m a fuckin’ idiot. How d’you think I was fourteen in Year 7? I had to sit Year 5 twice. You know I straight-up couldn’t write a sentence on my own until I was eight?”

Brooke tried to feign indifference but she knew her expression gave her away. Vanessa laughed. “Exactly, bitch! Then when I got to high school, the teachers were all bitchier an’ meaner. And I was goin’ through puberty as well, which made me bitchier an’ meaner. So bitchy mean teachers plus bitchy mean Vanjie was never gonna be a good combo.”

Brooke let a small silence hang in the air as Vanessa stared out of the steamed-up window and cupped her mug with two hands. “I was screamin’ at teachers in class, swearin’ at ‘em, straight-up threw a book at some bitch’s head once. To be fair, she deserved it, ‘cuz she started sayin’ I would be a total failure in life an’ have no job an’ no prospects. And I mean, I am, but you don’t say that to a fifteen year old kid, right? I don’t know…I regret a lot of the shit I did, but I don’t regret that.”

Brooke said nothing, instead just choosing to listen to all Vanessa wanted to vent to her. “Of course, ‘cuz I started gettin’ mouthy in class I started gettin’ the attention of the other mouthy girls. They didn’t like me…fuck knows why, but they didn’t. I got in a bunch of fights…I mean, some people would prolly say they bullied me, but I gave as good as I got, you know? Anyway, got to sixteen an’ they expelled me. And there was no legal requirement for me to go back to school, so I never did. My Mum, shit, I never saw her so mad before. She told me the moment I turned eighteen I was out on my ass, an’ she held that up. I was all cocky, thinkin’ I could just charm myself into a job. But here I am. Five years later an’ I’m in a council flat livin’ off the most basic fuckin’ government handout and the last of the savings my Mum put aside for me.”

Brooke shook her head. “Fuck, Vanessa, I’m sorry. That’s really rough.”

“Hey, it’s just my life! That’s my lot, girl, an’ I’m stuck with it. But hopefully today’s my lucky day,” Vanessa smiled tightly, then frowned. “Fuck, Brooke, I’m kinda nervous.”

Brooke was hit with an unbearable urge to reach out and take Vanessa’s hand. She didn’t. “That’s natural. Don’t worry. You’ll kill it, they’ll love you!”

Vanessa smiled bashfully again, which made Brooke feel like melting butter. Unable to help herself, she added, “You could definitely charm yourself into a job.”

Brooke pressed her lips together to keep from smiling as Vanessa let out a laugh. “You’re awful, Jesus Christ! Stop distractin’ me, I need to be focused.”

“How am I distracting you!” Brooke exclaimed, affronted. Vanessa gazed at her with a look in her eye that Brooke couldn’t decipher, then shook her head.

“Doesn’t matter,” she laughed softly. Then her gaze snapped to the clock on the wall. “Damn, I need to hurry. That’d be my luck if I missed my fuckin’ train. Shit, sorry for offloading my fuckin’ life story onto you.”

“Don’t worry. I kinda did the same to you in the supermarket, so now we’re even. You have my full permission to launch into deep chat any time you see me,” Brooke smiled, regretting the fact that Vanessa had to leave. As she grabbed her bag, Vanessa’s face turned wistful. Pausing, she pulled out her phone.

“Y’know, we should do this again some time. Before you have to go back to work. I know I’m a shit therapist, but you still don’t need to pay me anythin’ if you wanna talk. I mean, maybe you can get the coffee next time. Since you actually earn a fuckin’ wage.”

Brooke laughed, her heart fluttering as Vanessa held out her phone with a blank contact on the screen. Brooke punched in her number then, pausing for only a second, she wrote her name as “Brooke x”. Her heart held its breath as Vanessa took the phone back, cast a glance over it, and smiled ever so slightly.

“Cool. Well, I’ll text you next time I’m free, and I’ll let you know how I do today. But it was so good to see you, girl. As always,” Vanessa smiled, leaning down and giving Brooke a hug. Her clothes smelt of washing powder and her hair had that freshly-shampooed scent, and the two combined made Brooke not want to let go. Vanessa made that decision for her, pulling away and waving a goodbye as she hurried out of the shop.

As Brooke watched her red-pinafored silhouette make its way to the train station, she found herself sitting her phone on the coffee table screen-up, an unexpected optimism and hope nestling itself in her heart, and her mind filled with the girl who had been dealt shit cards in life but who’d still tapped her card against the reader to pay for Brooke’s drink as if it was nothing.  

[camillemontespan]

the history of us [drake x camille] [part seven: 3rd august- constellations]

Part Six here if you want to catch up!

Warnings: Severe angst. Alcohol abuse. Fluff. Emotional torture. Sorry. 

I don’t think this chapter is particularly exciting or drama filled, it’s quite serious actually because this a serious subject matter. Hope you still enjoy though. 

@fromthedeskofpaisleybleakmore @jovialyouthmusic @pug-bitch @sirbeepsalot @moonlightgem7 @emceesynonymroll @stopforamoment @burnsoslow @symonde @nomadics-stuff @gardeningourmet @notoriouscs @sawyer0akleyscowboyhat @of-course-i-went-to-hartfeld @iplaydrake @i-bloody-love-drake-walker @ccolz88-blog @dcbbw @drakesensworld 

      *****************************************************************************

'Drake?' Camille whispered. 'Answer me.'

Drake swallowed, trying to find the right words to explain why he was spiking his morning coffee with whiskey.

He came up with nothing. Because making his whiskey Irish at 8am in the morning wasn't a typical thing to do.

Camille waited. She looked like she was holding her breath.

Drake had to say something. 'I just wanted to mix it up a little?' he said, unconvincingly.

Camille's eyes flashed. 'Outside, let's go.'

He followed her through to the garden where they sat down at the table near the oak tree. They were out the house away from Lily. This wasn't a conversation she should overhear.

Camille exhaled. 'I want you to be honest with me. It's 8am on a Thursday morning and you're already having a drink. You had a hip flask at the kids party. Is there something I need to know?'

Of course there was. She knew there was. She wasn't an idiot.

Drake looked down at the table, at the tree, at the house. Anywhere but at his wife.

'Please,' she whispered. 'Please just talk to me.'

Drake's eyes met hers. She looked like she was in so much pain. He ran a hand through his hair and took a deep breath.

'I'm feeling overwhelmed,' he admitted. 'The DILF articles, constantly wondering what people think of me, trying to act like I'm a good Duke, trying to prove I'm a good father.. Its exhausting. I'm exhausted. I just wanted something to take the edge off.'

Camille's gaze was steady on his. 'Why didn't you just talk to me?'

'I don't know,' he said quietly. 'I guess I just didn't want to admit I was struggling so I kept it inside.'

'You're using whiskey to self medicate,' she said. 'That's not keeping it inside. That's you turning towards a dark place.'

'Please don't judge me!' Drake burst out. He clenched his fists and closed his eyes, focusing on what to say.

Camille grabbed his hands, making contact. 'Honey, I'm not judging you. I'm just trying to understand and to help. Let me help you.'

'All these problems are part of the package of being a Duke,' Drake told her bitterly. 'I just got to deal with it in my own way.'

'By drinking whiskey? Drake, that's not healthy!' she protested.

'I know it's not!'

Camille went quiet. Her eyes were filling with tears. 'I love you,' she murmured. 'I just want to help. I want you to know you can talk to me and I won't judge. I would never judge you. We're a team, remember?'

Drake nodded mutely, his eye back to the table. Camille's heart tugged. She took out her phone and began to tap away on the screen. Drake frowned. 'What are you doing?'

'Cancelling my meeting,' she said, putting the phone down.

Drake felt instantly guilty. 'No, Camille. You love those meetings, it's an important campaign you're organising -'

'You are more important,' she replied firmly. 'I want to sort this out.'

Drake reddened. He didn't deserve her.

'What are you thinking?' she asked.

'I'm thinking that I don't deserve you,' he whispered.

'You deserve everything, Drake,' she said with steel in her voice.

She leaned forward to kiss him softly.

'Now let's unpack this,' she said. 'Starting with the DILF articles. Samantha was on to a good thing trying to show you as a family man because that's who you are. That's the real Drake Walker. But you've never been one to enjoy this kind of attention. So, I suggest we talk to Samantha and see if we can tone down the DILF stuff. She'll understand, it's her job.'

Camille was speaking so gently.

'Next up, the secret drinking.'

There was a silence. Camille swallowed. 'Maybe we can get you help -'

'No Camille,' Drake interrupted. 'I don't need help.'

'You're sneaking whiskey from a hip flask and mixing it with coffee,' she replied dryly. 'This is the start of a downward spiral but we can fix it before it gets worse.'

‘You’re acting like I’m an alcoholic’ Drake said sharply.  He looked down at the ground, clenching his fists with frustration.  ‘I’ve just been stressed. That’s all. I’m not exactly falling around and shouting obscenities at Bertrand, am I? Some people deal with shit by talking or writing or doing fucking yoga, well this is how I deal with stress.’ 

Camille placed her hands on his knees now. He could smell her perfume as she leaned close to him, trying to get him to make eye contact with her. 

‘You were drinking at 8am this morning,’ she said quietly. ‘I was due to go to my meeting. You would have been with Lily today and you would have had alcohol in your system. Do you not see how twisted that is? What if I had gone and you continued to drink?’

Drake opened his mouth to protest but Camille squeezed his knees gently, making him stop. She continued, her voice steady and low. ‘I’m not saying you are an alcoholic, Drake. I’m just worried. I’ve never seen you like this before. I know you like a drink but never in the morning and certainly not with your daughter nearby. Do you not see?’

She was trying so hard. Her voice was becoming more desperate as she spoke now. 'I just want you to be healthy. I want you to be happy. I want you to be a present father, not one who is stuck in a drunken stupor. Please, Drake. We can stop this before it escalates.'

Drake considered her words. He thought of Lily picking up his hip flask. He thought of Camille's face when she drank his spiked coffee.

He sighed. 'I'm not an alcoholic,' he told her. 'I'm not.'

Camille smiled sadly. 'I know you’re not.’

Drake exhaled. 'So if I get help, it's only because I don't want to get worse,' he explained. 'You know me, you know I hate opening up.'

'If you want, I can sit with you so you've got support?' she suggested.

Drake smiled weakly. 'Okay. I'll do it for you.'

Camille sat back, her warmth gone.

'No, Drake. You have to do it for you.'

                         *************************************************

3rd August 2023

We've arranged for a therapist to visit us. Samantha advised that we don't go to the therapists office as the press would catch wind of the situation.

Samantha's been understanding. She agreed to try tone down the DILF image once I told her about Drake's drinking. She's been contacting media outlets to say that calling a Duke a DILF is highly inappropriate. If there's one thing Cordonians hate, it's being told they're disrespecting the nobility. Still don't know how she'll stop the Torso of the Week feature from happening again but she's basically Wonder Woman so I think she's got it handled.

The therapist is visiting today. I'm allowed to sit in the meeting with Drake as moral support. I know talking about feelings is difficult for him but he has to learn that it's okay to be vulnerable, it's okay to feel overwhelmed. He's made such amazing progress keeping his walls down, I would hate for him to go back to square one.

Drake read the diary entry. This was brutal. But he had to keep reading and remembering. She was forcing him to remember.

                         **************************************************

The therapist, Tessa, was very gentle. She spoke with a soothing face and she wore huge glasses that made her look like an owl.

Lily was being babysat by Bertrand and Maxwell while the therapy session was going on.

Bertrand and Maxwell's styles of babysitting were strikingly different. Bertrand seemed fixated on teaching Lily about etiquette, keen to turn her into his protégé.

'Lily, have you ever used a dessert spoon?' he asked her seriously while she picked at a plate of sliced watermelon. The look she gave him was one of incredulousness.

Maxwell, on the other hand, thought they should build a fort in the garden. 'We can make it your own palace!' he cried, practically frothing at the mouth. Lily had jumped at the idea and abandoned her watermelon so she could follow Maxwell outside.

Bertrand sighed and followed too, accepting the fact that he would have to build a fort today. Such childishness. Such frivolity.

                              **********************************************

'How long has this drinking been going on?' Tessa asked.

Drake bit his lip. 'Since we arrived home from Texas.'

Camille's eyes widened. She had had no idea.

Tessa wrote in her notes. 'Okay so today is just a little taste of what our sessions will be like. We have 60 minutes to talk. Anything you are feeling, let it out. It's a safe space here. Nothing you say will leave this room.'

She was meant to say that as a professional but Drake and Camille had ensured that Tessa had signed a confidentiality contract.

Drake bit his lip. 'I'm not good at talking to people I've just met,' he admitted. 'To be honest, Camille is the only person I can talk to freely.'

'I see. Why didn't you talk to her before?'

Drake reddened. 'I didn’t think there was anything to talk about.’

Tessa wrote more notes. 'Well, you have to talk to her now. What we're going to do is you are going to address Camille. You're not going to talk to me. Instead, face each other. Talk to her and pretend I'm not here. This is just your own bubble with Camille.'

Drake turned his chair to face Camille. She smiled at him encouragingly.

'I've felt overwhelmed since we came home,' Drake admitted. 'Just everything with Lily's broken arm, Madeleine talking to the press about us, the DILF articles, all the articles about Lily.. It’s too much. I wanted to sort of numb myself, I guess? So that's why my whiskey intake has increased. I know it's stupid but I just start to feel anxious and like I'm not in control. Drinking takes the edge off. I'm sorry. '

Camille squeezed his hand as Drake spoke. He forgot Tessa was there. It was only him and his wife who was trying hard to get him to open up. 

He knew Camille was always paranoid that he would build his walls back up. It was the one thing she worried about when it came to him because she had seen firsthand how closed off he could be. When they first met, he was a fucking fortress. 

Drake had to keep his walls down. He had to do it for her.

I can’t let her down. 

                     ********************************************************

‘This is a palace of fairylights and dreams!’ Maxwell cried, studying the fort they had built.

‘Yes, very impressive, Maxwell,’ Bertrand said in a bored tone. ‘Can we please start our lessons with Lily? If she’s anything like Camille, she will be easy to teach about the nobility.’

Lily ignored him. ‘We need blankets!’ she shrieked. 

‘Oh my god, Lily, you’re a genius!’ Maxwell shouted, jumping up and down while clapping his hands. ‘Bertrand, you man the fort! We’re off to find blankets!’

They raced off back into the house to find blankets. Bertrand sighed and sat down in the fort. It had cushions, fairylights strung up and its roof was made out of bedsheets, held together by garden chairs. 

This is actually quite cosy,  he thought to himself. 

          **********************************************************************

Tessa left an hour later. Drake breathed a sigh of relief. Camille looked at him and smiled. ‘I’m proud of you,’ she said. 

Drake kissed her on top of her head. ‘Let’s go see Lily. Hopefully she and Maxwell are running Bertrand ragged.’

They went out into the garden to find Lily, Maxwell and Bertrand himself inside the fort reading picture books. 

‘This illustrator is terrible at drawing..’ Bertrand was saying. 

‘Yeah, those books aren’t the best,’ Lily mused. ‘But The Adventures of Olivia the Owl are pretty drawings! Look!’

She showed Bertrand her picture book.  ‘This book’s my favourite because the owl’s called Olivia,’ she told him seriously. ‘Like my Aunt Olivia. I need to show her.’

‘I’m sure Olivia will loooove that,’ Maxwell muttered quietly, keeping his eyes fixed to his Alfie book. Lily didn’t hear him, thankfully.

Drake and Camille reached the fort. 

‘Hey guys!’ Camille greeted them. 

Lily looked up and gave her parents a wide smile, jumping up to cuddle them both. ‘Do you like my fort? Uncle Maxwell and Uncle Bertrand helped.’

‘It’s the best fort I’ve ever seen,’ Drake told her. ‘Wait till it’s night time, you will see the stars if you stay in the fort.’ 

Lily’s eyes widened. ‘Can we look at the stars tonight, daddy?’

             *********************************************************************

That night when it was dark, Drake and Lily settled down in the fort. It was past Lily’s bed time but Drake made a special exception. They sat on the edge of the fort,  looking out at the night sky which twinkled with stars. 

‘Did you know that these stars have constellations?’ Drake asked. 

‘What are con..stell... what’s that?’ 

Drake chuckled. ‘Constellations are stars that form a pattern in the sky, like a drawing you can see. They look like animals or magic people.’ 

Lily frowned. ‘I can’t see any animals in the sky.’

Drake pulled her onto his lap and pointed up at the sky. ‘Okay, you see this one here?’ He dragged his finger and made a pattern. Lily followed his finger, concentrating. 

‘It looks like a polar bear,’ he told her. 

Lily frowned some more, biting her lip, until her eyes lit up. ‘I see it! I see a polar bear!’

‘Awesome! Well, that’s called the Ursa Major.’ 

‘Ursa Major,’ Lily repeated. ‘Why not just called it the Magic Polar Bear?’

Drake laughed. ‘You can call it that if you want.’

‘I will!’

Drake rested his chin on her head and held Lily close to his body. She smelled of cotton; that lovely child smell that only children seemed to have. This is what he had dreamed of having. A family. A kid to teach the stuff his own dad had taught him. 

They may not have been in the woods in wilderness.  They were in Valtoria in their own garden and he was still a Duke. But right now, he felt calm. He felt normal. He felt like he could steal little pockets of joy like this one and give Lily the childhood he wanted her to have. 

He softly kissed the top of her head. Lily snuggled into him and looked up at the stars in wonder. 

‘Tell me another one,’ she said.

Drake grinned and began to teach her more. When Camille came out with mugs of hot chocolate for them, she found Lily standing up and pointing up at the sky with a beaming smile on her face. 

‘Mommy, I can see Orions Belt!’ she said. 

‘That’s amazing, honey!’ 

Camille stole a look at Drake. He was sat cross legged and watching his daughter with a dopey grin on his face.  Camille happily thought she should leave them be to let them soak up each other and the stars. 

   ********************************************************************************

I left them alone because seeing Drake teaching her about stars warmed my heart. Especially after our hard day, it was nice to have a cosy moment. He was born to be a dad, which I know he might scoff at but he really was. For someone who would hold me at arms length when I first met him, preferred to stay in the shadows at palace balls, answered any question with a sarcastic comment, Drake changed when we started seeing each other. He changed even more when he became a husband and even more when we had Lily. He’s completely different- at least, he is to me. 

Teaching Lily about nature, about the universe, about the stars, all of those subjects you can only learn by observing, is something Drake has wanted to do ever since he held her in his arms. He had dreams of teaching her about the world and how it works and now he’s doing it. 

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: being a father has been a making of Drake Walker. 

I didn’t think it was possible to love someone so much. Like I thought when I married him that my love for him had reached its full capacity. But as soon as he held our little girl in his arms, it’s like my heart grew ten times larger. When he plays with her, my heart feels full. I watch him take part in her tea parties with her toys and I could burst with happiness. 

It’s a joy to witness. 

Drake threw the diary across the room. It landed with a thump on the floor, disturbing Cheddar and Olive who had been resting on the rug. He placed his hands over his eyes, trying to stop the tears from falling but he failed. 

If he had just stuck to the therapy sessions, he might have managed to keep his marriage afloat. He might have had Camille here right now, telling him about her day instead of being alone. He might have had Lily beside him, asking him to play with her. 

But he was alone. He had had it all. But he had ruined it. 

He stared at the diary on the floor through blurred vision. This diary was tormenting him. It was torture to read. He knew Camille wanted him to remember their life together; that was clear now. She wanted to remind him how good he had had it.

Well fucking done, Camille, you win. 

He stopped himself from thinking more poison.  She had given him this diary for a reason. He had to keep reminding himself of that. 

Drake wanted a drink. But the thought of whiskey right now, after reading about how it had been an accomplice in tearing apart his family, made him feel sick. 

He was not going to drink whiskey.

He was going to finish the diary. 

Man the fuck up. 

He padded over to where the diary lay and picked it up. He settled back down on the sofa and found the next diary entry. Camille’s voice filled his head once again. 

[marshmallowgoop]

This is something I should have edited together.

So here it is: (a lot of!) the sweet messages I’ve received in the last month or so that are in direct response to my anonymous hate mail. 

I don’t know how true it is, but I’ve heard it said that humans are remarkably negative creatures, and it takes so many more positive experiences to balance out just one negative experience. And maybe it’s not that universal a thing, but I can say that it sure feels relevant to my own life.

So, I think it’s important to remind myself that, no matter how much it seems like it’s so easy to attack me but so difficult to support me, I’ve actually received far more kind messages than cruel messages throughout this whole mess. And the kind messages are so much more thoughtful, too—and often attached to real names! 

And... I think that says something when I’m as cringey and humiliating as I am. These folks aren’t too ashamed to say that they’re here for me and what I do.

(But that said, I have removed names from anything that wasn’t a reblog or reply because I don’t want to embarrass anyone. Please let me know if you don’t want your words here at all, and I’ll blur them out. I don’t want to make anyone uncomfortable.)

There’s some stuff I want to address under the cut—along with a transcript if anyone is interested in reading these words but has trouble with the screenshots—but more important than any of my ramblings to follow, I want to thank everyone who took the time to write out these supportive sentiments and who continues to support me. I know these meltdowns are a drag, and I know I’ve been a nuisance. Thank you for sticking with me. I aim to be better and live up to what these messages say.

First things first, I want to clarify why I posted the collage of all the hate the other day. I didn’t approach that well, and I’m sorry. I realized too late that it was a bad decision.

Really, that collage was more meant just for me. Maybe it’s sad, but I’ve been actively writing on this site for a good half decade now, and for a lot of that time, I’ve almost craved anon hate. I was disappointed that I never got any. I wondered what the heck I was doing wrong.

After all, I have so many unpopular opinions. I realized that a lot of the community disliked me—or if that’s too strong a word, I knew they didn’t want anything to do with me—because of what I think and how I feel. But they never wanted to voice anything to my face. I wasn’t worth the effort to be attacked. I was nothing. Nobody.

There’s this quote from Tibor Kalman that I think about a lot: “[W]hen you make something no one hates, no one loves it.” If no one hated me enough to hate me right to my face, I thought, then I wasn’t good enough. I was boring. Easily forgotten. Not worth the effort.

So, getting all that anon hate for the first time? God, it hurt. It hurt so bad. Getting everything I’d always feared the community hated about me—as well as things I didn’t even consider them hating about me—right in my inbox? Ow. I cried a lot. I wanted to burn everything I ever wrote a lot. I wanted to quit making stuff for this community a lot. 

What’s the use? I thought—selfishly, of course, keeping in mind all the support up above. Why do I try? It was cruel and unfair, but I kept thinking these things. I kept thinking, What’s the use when nobody wants me here?

But I also thought about the implications of getting all that stuff thrown at me. And I knew it meant one thing: I’m not boring anymore.

There is at least one person out there who frequently checks my blog for more things to rail on me for. There is at least one person going out of their way to write nasty, awful, mean-spirited messages. There is at least one person eagerly waiting for me to respond, to say something, anything, so that they can hurt me and drag me and push me down.

After all these years, to at least one person, I’m worth the effort. No matter how much the messages have stung and destroyed me, I wanted to keep a record of them to remind myself, hey. Someone or someones out there hate(s) me this much for having a different opinion on a cartoon. Maybe that says that my opinions on this cartoon are worth something. 

I mean, they’re worth this level of mocking and ridicule, right?

But... I could have just kept the collage to myself. It’s a personal motivation. Nobody else needs to see these terrible things. That just encourages the cruelty even more. Why did I publicize it?

Well, it’s not too uncommon for Internet content creators to make something out of their hate comments. I like the trend of turning the comments into songs, like here, for example:

At the end of the video, Madilyn Bailey, the artist, says that the purpose of the song is to mock Internet troll culture and make something positive from the negativity.

But I wouldn’t say that that was really my motivation for posting my collage. Call me silly and naive, but I wanted to draw attention to these Internet fandom issues. Everything in that collage is what I was having to deal with... on top of my normal life struggles. 

While all of this was happening, I was tapering off my anxiety and depression medication because I felt it wasn’t as effective as it could be and because I feared it was making me lose my hair—something that I am extremely self-conscious about. I cut my hair short nearly a decade ago, and it’s never grown back to the same length. 

So, needless to say, while all of this was happening, I was horrified about the big clumps of hair lost in the shower. I was dealing with lightheadedness and dizziness from the withdrawal of my meds (which I’m still dealing with, btw), and I was also dealing with stresses at work. My department has changed management within the last year, and there’s been the concern that people will lose their jobs. There’s been the concern that this occupation won’t be enough to support me anymore.

While all of this was happening, I was stressed about my career, about money, about growing older—the beginning of the anon hate assault was just days before my birthday. I couldn’t see my therapist as much as I wanted because there ain’t enough therapists out there for all this world’s issues. 

And while I know that I shouldn’t compare, I also know well that my struggles are nothing compared to the struggles of others. So, how must it feel to deal with all the crap that life just normally throws at you, that’s probably a lot worse for most people than it is for me... and then come home to messages that treat you like a disgusting, horrible, awful human being for your feelings on a cartoon? For work you offer to a community for free and fun? 

For answers to questions that you only answered because you were asked to?!

Well, it felt pretty bad to me.

When I posted my collage, I meant to send a message about how this is not okay. I don’t want to see this kind of behavior, and I’m bothered that I don’t know how normal or common what happened to me is. Is this an everyday occurrence for online content creators? Have I just been shielded all these years because I wasn’t interesting enough?

I hoped that by sharing what I was going through, it’d draw attention to the problem. We shouldn’t be treating our fandom content creators like this. It’s not fair. It’s sick.

Of course, I don’t want to guilt anyone into supporting me. I don’t want anyone to feel like they can’t criticize me. I don’t want anyone to feel that, just because I was dealing with a Lot in life, any poor behavior on my part is somehow okay. It isn’t.

The comments that probably hurt me the most in that collage aren’t even the “hate” ones. They’re the ones that express that I messed up. That I hurt them. I can’t say I agree with how these feelings were expressed, but more than any nasty, personally insulting message, those probably hit hardest. I hate the feeling that I’m disappointing my followers. In fact, in taking screenshots for this post, I saw that at least one of the people who had sent me a sweet message has since unfollowed. And that—the sense that I should just stop, that my work really is as horrible as the cruel anons say, that I’m no longer someone they want to support because I’m a disaster and a failure—that... really, really stung.

But as I’ve said before, I can’t blame anyone for leaving me after all this drama. It stinks. It sucks. I messed up. I try to be kind, respectful, considerate, but I’m not perfect, and there are gonna be mistakes along the way. 

So I want to encourage—but only if you’re comfortable doing so, of course—more feedback about how to be better. How could I make my content more appealing? How could I handle these situations in ways that are less awful? Could I improve my post-tagging system? My therapist is helping me, but I’d like to hear from all y’all, too. I want to know how to make stuff that people actually enjoy. Anon hate doesn’t exactly help me make better content, but actual constructive feedback will. That’s what I want to see.

But enough bellyaching. Here are some posts I’m prioritizing right now, and I’d like to know which one folks would want to see most:

✄ “ambiguous” thoughts

✄ Ryuko stronger in episode 14, North Kanto monkey versus Osaka monkey

✄ Episode 6 ending

✄ Ryuko and Senketsu interactions

✄ Ripping out heart

✄ Satsuki’s isolation

✄ Things About: Senketsu, Satsuki, Mako, Tsumugu (maybe more?)

✄ Ryuko’s IF story, episodes 5-8

✄ Ryuko’s IF story, episodes 9-10

✄ Anime Revolution info

It’s a lot, I know ^^; And that’s not even close to all of it. But where should I start? Don’t worry; I intend to finish everything here—especially because a lot of these are old, old requests!—but I’m easily overwhelmed, so an idea of where to begin would be really helpful for me!

tl;dr, I shouldn’t have posted that thing the other day, and maybe this long vomit dump about my intentions doesn’t even come close to making up for it. But I want folks to know that I appreciate their support and would love any feedback about how to better serve the community and live up to these kind messages.

Which, speaking of, here’s a transcript of them:

“As a survivor that's ace I think you're handling the ragyo situation excellently and I'm really enjoying your blog so thank you!”

“Sorry you’re dealing with backlash in regards to your opinions and headcanons on Ragyo, dear! While I can’t really say much on the matter, I think it’s fair that you’re being open with us on how you feel and that you’re entitled to your opinion. Does that mean people will agree with you? No, but that’s okay! Or at the very last, it should be...but people can get heated when certain topics come up and that’s when it Gets Messy”

“There’s no right way to fandom, people jumping in your ask to belittle you are jerks. Tbh the first time I watched Kill La Kill I didn’t consider ryuko and senketsu relationship as romantic but after finding your writing and on subsequent watches I totally see it and like that’s the whole point of fandom right? A group of people who love a thing for varying reasons, I don’t understand this need to be monolithic in fandom. Anyways I love your writing and totally understand your frustrations of late”

“Guys, come on. It’s a work of fiction. People are allowed to like whatever they want to like. You don’t like that? That’s fine! But please, leave Goop alone for stating her mind and expressing how she feels about it. She wouldn’t hark you for your opinion because she’s fully aware of how could make you feel. She’s done nothing but pout her heart out about a series she loves, it’s her passion. If someone did that to YOU, you wouldn’t like it, now would you? (1/2)

“I know it’s not going to magically change overnight and everyone will say their peace to feel validated, but I just feel so bad that you’re getting all of this over things that you’ve previously talked about and STILL have to defend yourself for. Your opinion is yours, Goop, and don’t let ANYONE try to challenge that! (2/2)”

“Please don't be so hard on yourself! I understand why it makes you upset when people send hate and stuff but you shouldn't feel the need to justify every single word you say. I just wanted to let you know that I always adored everything you write and I'm completely on your side in all of this. :) I hope you feel better soon!”

“I think your takes are very good; but more important than everyone agreeing w/ everyone elses readings, I think, is that you are a very good writer of analysis and it would be a shame for you to falter in that because of ppls reactions to your content. anyone who harasses you about having the 'wrong opinions' about fiction needs to learn how analysis of fiction functions & find a better outlet :) you are very talented, Goop, please follow your true north!”

“People get hung up on weird things, like you can disagree with someone and not devolve to personal attacks??? Anyways I enjoy your klk content! I look forward to more analysis of the game!”

“man, i dunno why so many anons gotta be such massive jackasses, you don't deserve it. hell, i don't even ship ryuketsu (I lean towards a more queerplatonic partnership interpretation, and im generally allergic to romantic shipping anyways) and i still deeply appreciate the thought and research and care you put into your meta.”

“ik you don't want asks about this but as a sexual assault survivor you are absolutely valid on how you feel about Ragyo. I skip the bath scene on every rewatch, and I find her atrocious. The fact that people are attacking you for this is dumb.”

“Hey man you’re allowed to talk about who you want on your blog. It’s your shit. People are so entitled nowadays and can’t let people have opinions anymore. You’re not dumb, you’re not trying to be offensive. And it hurts seeing how you’re trying to be courteous and step on eggshells and still getting dragged. Like people are allowed to disagree but there’s no need to be rude to someone trying not to be rude. You’re literally saying an opinion. Everyone else relax, my dude. You’re fine.”

“It’s amazing how all these people can recognize ragyos terrible behavior but insist on having to defend her….”

 “Just wanted to shout over all of this hate and say you have an amazing blog and you shouldn’t let this get you down. Keep doing what you’re doing because it’s legitimately awesome. Anyway that’s all I had to say. Keep being you.”

“Hey Goop. Just always remember that even if we're quieter, there will always be more people supporting you and loving you than people hating you. I really hope you don't let these anons destroy your health in a more permanent way. Keep up the good work!”

“Hello! Just wanted to say that I love your posts and analyses of klk so much! I love seeing how passionate you are about it (bc I am too) and I also ship Ryuketsu SUPER hard! I'm sorry if people are getting you down, but I hope you keep on doing your thing!”

trashcanalienist said: I agree with this so much

tolliver-j-mortaelwyver said: …don’t ever let someone else’s insecurities become part of you. 😉

official-raven-branwen reblogged this from marshmallowgoop and added:

Ya’ll got a problem with Goop, you can fuck outta here with that.

#Lookin at you anon

official-raven-branwen said: Why are people being mean to you??! Goop, please please please don’t ever think that your content isn’t wanted. If people are having an issue, that’s on them. They can fuck right off.

tolliver-j-mortaelwyver said: More Ryuketsu! Indeed!

kuribo4indahouse said: Kill la Kill needs you

csolarstorm said: Hey Goop, I sympathize. It’s never easy to share opinions about topics like this, because everyone has a different story, and they all want their story heard by others. I’ve found that you can’t accomodate everyone’s struggles - you can only speak for yourself. Keep on writing, I love Kill la Kill and Iook forward to reading your work.

official-raven-branwen said: You got this! 

kuribo4indahouse said: Don’t worry, and don’t count out the possibility of becoming bigger over time!

gaylo-thymos said: Hell yea, you’re doing your very best to be out there and that’s what matters. Keep bein you!

darthvandr said: Well regardless of recent events, you’re one of my favorite blogs and I’d be sad if you left. So you just keep on being you!

kuribo4indahouse said:

Who the fuck wrote that lol

Are those even real people writing those messages? Who would be this rude over a TV show?

And then they call you “butthurt”… Any self awareness?

official-raven-branwen replied to your post “You’re so butthurt about this Ragyou thing. Get over yourself. So…”

You are awesome Goop! Don’t listen to those asshat anons. You rock and those anons mean nothing. You keep being you because you are enough!

Not sure why you have such awful anons. You are an awesome person. Please know that you opinions on stuff that you (very obviously) love are perfectly valid, because they are your opinions, on your own freaking blog. And to that anon that sent you that message, listen dude, if you don’t like the content Goop puts out, there’s the unfollow button right there champ.

eldritchgentleman reblogged your photo and added:

Fuck the opinions of others and enjoy what you love! They don’t own you, listening to them doesn’t make you happy so screw them with a pineapple.

simon-newman​​ reblogged your photo and added:

Also Ryuko and Senketsu is a valid ship.

eric-coldfire reblogged your photo and added:

Absolute valid ship, op. Ignore the haters and keep being you.

kuribo4indahouse​​ reblogged your post and added:

Just laugh at these Goop.

badgerjaw​​ replied to your post “goops, you’re starting to stoop to the level of those that are bugging…”

I don’t think this anon knows what patronizing means, nor can they tell the difference between getting a big head and acknowledging the amount you do in this fandom. To each their own, nonny, cheers

badgerjaw replied to your post “You realize some of us don’t have Tumblr accounts, we’re coming over…”

At least the shirt in question can consent; wonder if these nonnies are gonna get on the people who abuse their non-sentient socks?

“I'm sorry. I don't always necessarily agree with the ideas, but I haven't been offended.”

“And I know you're like, you know, a reasonable, nice person. So even if you did say something that came off as offensive, I wouldn't be up in arms about it, you know?”

“Hey Goop, I know this is coming really late but here's what I wanted to say

“You didn't deserve any ounce of that anon hate.

“I'm just absolutely stunned. There was nothing wrong with what you posted. Not then, not now. Because all you were doing was expressing your OWN interpretations. You weren't trying to claim anything as set-in-stone fact

“And... I don't understand. I don't understand why people are SO angry that another person has an opinion they don't share. In the end, what are we talking about here? An anime...

“Don't get me wrong. The topics you discussed were indeed important to talk about, and fiction definitely does influence reality. But the fact of the matter is that, when it comes down to it, your posts were simply you sharing some headcanons about some characters from an anime

“And... when you look at the grand scheme of things, I really do think those anons are really quite pathetic. I mean. Consider what sort of person they have to be so get SO angry over a post like ‘Hey I think Ragyo might be ace’ and say ‘How can you be this STUPID Ragyo is OBVIOUSLY a lesbian and YOUR WHOLE BLOG IS A BAD TAKE’ like really?????

“Actually you didn't even say ‘Ragyo might be ace,’ it was more of a ‘I personally feel like Ragyo is ace’ and?? What's the issue with that?????/

“I'm sorry if I'm rambling but I'm so upset that you're upset cause of those anons and all the hate you got over NOTHING

“Also, don't discount the fact that there are indeed people out there who agree with you. I know you mentioned that you don't think anyone shares the same opinions on Ragyo as you do. But in all my years of following you, I've realized one thing

“You and I... have the same opinions on EVERYTHING????????

“But let me be clear. That's not why I support you. It doesn't matter if we have the same headcanons. 

“Even if I disagreed with everything you said, I'd still support you. Because it's not the headcanons that matter—it's how respectful you are and how you're always trying to better yourself. You always try SO SO SO hard to express yourself in a reasonable and kind way, and you are always trying to be mindful of your wording and considerate of other people's opinions

“It really upsets me to see you apologize so much to people who don't deserve an apology.”

“Hi, Goop. I want to thank you for everything you do on this blog. I started getting into your Kill la Kill content in around 2016. I even keep a copy of your meta book downloaded on my phone to reread every now and then. 

“I think what I like so much about your writing is how in-depth and supported and thoughtful it all is. Kill la Kill is so easy for people to write off as just a flashy, over the top, fanservice show. I think the biggest takeaway from the show is that it truly is a story about friendship and love, and I’m glad that you write so, so much about this. It always gets me all giddy and excited when I see you post something new or when you reblog your old stuff. I first watched the show in 2014, then I rewatched it two more times, knowing that I liked it, but not knowing exactly why. 

“Until I started reading your blog. It’s really thanks to you that Kill la Kill is now my unbeatable, number one favorite anime ever. 

“You put into words so eloquently what I’ve always felt towards Kill la Kill since I first watched it. I want you to know I really appreciate you. Please know you have my support, and I hope you keep doing what you love.”

“First off HAPPY BIRTHDAY~ 

“I just hope that anon finds something more fulfilling than spewing hate and nonsense. Like model trains, or magic tricks. I know my life got a lot more bright when I kept my nose out of people’s business and started focusing on the things I love to do.”

“I'm sorry that you have to deal with these trolls. :/ Some people just like to get a reaction. 

“*would talk more but feels that the conversation is past its expiration* 

“I respect you for expressing your opinion. Lord knows how illegal that is when insecure people get offended.”

“super late at night for me and I should be sleeping but I saw all your responses and how you tried to handle things and just felt really bad. You're in a situation that things just can't be solved with a simple logical response. Like I said sometimes people just have a view and when they disagree they just need to attack others who are part of that disagreement.”

kurouga replied to your post “[[MOR] I already knew people felt this way about me, but I guess…”

You don’t know if it needs you? At times like these I’d say the fandom doesn’t deserve you. It’s always mind-boggling – and yeah, saddening – to recognize how readily people forget how to be civil and begin to hold the meaning they see in fiction as more important than the feelings and experiences of others. Meanwhile you’re classy, humble, patient, and resilient enough to have retained these qualities where so many others… haven’t. Nothing short of inspiring.

I’d say it’s reflective of the cancerous state of fandom environments that it’s so much easier to win support with sweeping, neat and tidy divisiveness – that is, by resorting to discouraging, dismissing, or ridiculing differences in opinion – than it is to garner support as a thoughtful proponent of discussion.

Those who would argue “This fandom would be perfect if only those people who have other opinions/ships would just *stop* already” are those who would rather reign over a wasteland than accept that their views aren’t threatened/invalidated by the existence of differing views. And they almost certainly don’t appreciate the irony in that the perfect victory they envision is one in which what remains of the fandom is all cut from the same cloth. Never stop being you, goop.

“Hey uh saw that you're going through some brutal stuff with a anon. But I wanted you to know you're handling it like a champ and hopefully they'll get on with their life soon!”

“No problem I always look forward to getting notifications for your posts. It's kinda sad that you can't talk about opinions on here without someone getting upset but I hope that doesn't stop you from continuing!”

“You write a lot about things and you're sure to upset someone but at least you're being honest and always try to resolve disagreements realistically. I'm sorry that you're crying and all but I hope you do feel better soon! It's gonna be your birthday after all ✌️”

“I don’t know if I clicked the right button. Sorry. Anyway, I just wanted to say that I really, really respect your work and to thank you, because you bring so much happiness to life of me and my other friends. Keep up with your good work and continue to share love for Kill La Kill and for t h e m. *salutes*”

“hey! heard you'd been getting shit lately from people deliberately seeking to misunderstand the work you've put into the KLK fandom over the years (doubt you'd remember me but i'm still [blurred for privacy] on AO3). even though i don't use tumblr anymore on a regular basis, of all the people i met and knew, even tangentially, in this fandom, you've always stuck out to me as one of the loveliest and most dedicated fans and my favorite meta writer, period. please keep it up!”

korra-n-stuff​​ replied to your post “You realize some of us don’t have Tumblr accounts, we’re coming over…”

can these anons please go away? you’re wonderful goop, dont change. These people just has sticks in their asses

fromtheriverbanks​​ replied to your post “Guys, come on. It’s a work of fiction. People are allowed to like…”

I love your analysis. I tend to agree with the stuff about Ryuko and Senketsu and think it’s a big part of what makes the show beautiful. If there were PhDs in Kill la Kill, you would deserve one.

[sugarkitten-mamahoney]

Life Update ✨

Post: # 6

Date: Monday — August 12, 2019

Time: 11:21 PM Mtn Standard

Topic: My Life As Of Today

Greetings lovely flowers. 🌹

I'd like to start off today's post by saying I'm terribly sorry for not keeping up with my entries and for disappearing for weeks. A lot has happened in the span of the beginning of this blog up to today & I'll gladly fill you in.

TW: mental health issues, PPD, medication, depression, alcohol ab*se, self h*rm, s*icidal thoughts, bullying, body image, loss of a family member

Well back in the ending of May, I came to the realization that I was in fact suffering with PPD. I fought to keep it all bottled up in hopes that by not speaking about it and my ugly feelings, that it'll eventually solve itself and just go away. I was wrong. It came to the point where getting up to take care of my baby was a struggle, my relationship with Daddy was being affected, I was angry and irritated as soon as I woke up, and I felt really alone, ugly, worthless, and I honestly was dying to sleep all day and to be left alone. I didn't want to take care of myself and I had to force myself to be there for my baby. It truly affected my relationship with Daddy and of course our son and other family members, so I was pushing away those who I care about most.

I ended up talking with my boyfriend about how I was feeling and what has been going on in my head. I cried to him as I explained how ugly, pissed off, numb, and annoyed I felt. He held me. He kissed me. He told me he was glad to hear me speak up. He said he noticed the change. He wanted me to know that he is here for me always and that he loves me. I'm so glad I opened up to him and trust him with all my heart. I really don't know what I'd do without him. I love him.

I got the support, comfort, understanding, and love from Daddy. He was first. Then it was a couple of family members, my mom, aunt, sister-in-law... some understood, others didn't. They just agreed to disagree. It's hard opening up to those you love and trust when it comes to mental health when they do not understand or believe you. But I did it anyway and let them feel however they wanted... it's not my fault PPD affects a lot of young, 1st time moms. It's not my fault my seratonin levels are unbalanced and low.

I've had my battles overcoming depression a couple of times in the past. I've dealt with being cyber bullied to the point of feeling suicidal. I've self harmed and abused alcohol to forget my feelings and who I was. I even started lying to my parents and sneaking off to drink and black out with people I could not even trust. I was spiraling out of control because I never felt comfortable and safe to tell my parents how I felt when they rejected me at first for telling them that I was depressed. So I secretly suffered, I did.

But I'm getting help. I have talked with my doctor, and also seeking help from the mental health facility and will hopefully be paired with a wonderful therapist. I've also been started on a low dose of anti-depressants. My doctor and I went over all the options, twas ultimately my choice, and she always has my best interest at heart. So we went forth and started the medication as part of my treatment. I'm hoping I get better before Halloween, but only time will tell.

Another thing that's been going on is of course the fact that I'm struggling with my self-esteem and body image. I'm no longer body positive towards myself and feel nothing but resentment, disgust, and hatred towards my body. I should not feel this way at all but I do. I overeat. I eat when I feel bored and lonely. I'm over 210 pounds and I feel like shit. I hate my body.

Soooo, I am talking about this with my doctor of course AND also getting lots of support and love from Daddy. He is supportive of me and does his best to not get frustrated with me when I happen to down talk my body and he is encouraging me to eat better, drink water, and get active. Baby steps. He gets me. Daddy is truly helping and without him here, I know I'd be an even bigger mess than I am now. I was honest when I told him how I got skinny and lost weight and he promised me he will help me but the RIGHT & healthy way. I love him.

And well... my best friend of 11 years basically said she is kind of done being my best friend. She said that I am "emotionally exhausting to talk to" and that she "did not know what to say to me any more because she doesn't know how to talk to me." Whatever that means right?? I'm so tired of being hurt and abandoned. I promised her I would never do that to her and kept that promise but she writes me a sad letter in an unfinished notebook (which is unlike her, it never happens) and basically said she's calling it quits. I lost a best friend. What does one do when her best friend dumps her?? I've been ignoring that with everything else that has been happening....

Another thing is I recently lost my grandfather. It hurts talking about. I can't help but to cry and breakdown. I was very close with my grandfather, and my grandmother. We were all raised to be a close-knit family and we were all connected... what we have is special. But now my cheí is gone, he is reunited with my grandma... it just hurts. I seem okay but really, I still feel so overwhelmed with emotions yet empty at the same time. I'm also still in shock... i can't believe he is gone. It hurts so much.

So anyway, this was all that's been going on and my life just got a bit too out of hand for me to be active on here with my personal blog. I am hoping to get back into that to keep me busy. My son keeps me busy for the most part, and with the recent loss of my cheí, I was swamped and stressed since I'd take my baby and I up to the hospital everyday just to visit him. Also was making time to spend quality time w Daddy and re-bond with our baby. So it's been a hell of a ride. But here is a list of good things that have happened in between so I don't end this on a shitty note:

✧ Daddy, Baby, & I are doing better

✧ Baby turned 5 months old

✧ Baby melon also started rolling like a pro & is starting to crawl backwards

✧ I'm drinking more water

✧ I'm on top of taking my medication

✧ Daddy bought me a lot of great books

✧ My nails are growing back

✧ I watched some new movies w Daddy from RedBox (should I do mini reviews of the movies?? Hmm... maybe !!)

✧ Baby melon chews on his toes

✧ I've been wearing one of my grandpa's shirts

✧ I'm becoming more responsible with the money Daddy gives me

✧ I started reading more books more often

✧ I've been tracking my feelings lately & keeping a diary

✧ Daddy, baby, & I went a 3 hour road trip and had fun

✧ I wrote a nice caption for my next serious Instagram post and to me, it's super welcoming, helpful, safe, and inspiring (???)

✧ My mom is sleeping more

✧ I'm doing my best

[thelaughinglamb]

1. Shadow Work Series—Dealing With Powerful Emotions

Shadow Work is commonly understood as the unearthing of beliefs, desires and fears that hide within the sphere of our own subconscious mind. It is as esoteric or as secular as one may choose it to be. While some use divinatory tools, others do not. Witches or people who identify as pagan may choose to use magic and ritual to evoke powerful images. Ecstatic dance or altered states of consciousness can (when practiced safely) help to achieve a more open frame of mind, but to do so is not necessary. All that is needed a journal, a pen and a willingness to work.

For as many books published and blogs written on the subject, I find that dredging up uncomfortable and often disquieting aspects of ourselves is not easy. Many of us engage in such work without a necessary understanding on how to frame the emotions it can sometimes evoke, largely because we’ve never learned how. We struggle with overwhelming emotions and seek out shadow work for self-understanding, but when confronted with deeper trauma we may be hit with the reality that knowing isn’t always enough.

That being said, for my own benefit and the benefit of others, I’ve decided to undertake a series exploring my own quasi-esoteric practices in the pursuit of self understanding and share how I’ve applied dialectical behavioral therapy, cognitive behavioral therapy and other therapeutic practices to help frame the feelings that arise around shadow work. Much of what I share will come from texts written by actual therapists, whose books are available to be applied in and out of session.

Note: If you are currently attending therapy sessions or already have a pre-existing relationship with a licensed professional, I advise you to chat about whether or not these strategies are for you. 

For those of you that don’t know what shadow work is, the link on the very first mention of the word shadow work should lead back to a very potent masterpost done by @unmaskingthedivine, with everything you need to get started.

Now, let’s get into it and see what we’ve got.

1. Self Soothing Strategies—Shadow Work & Distress Tolerance

So for this three part post, we’re going to look at three different ways we can deal with stressful emotional responses as they arise in our shadow work using a combination of dialectical behavioral therapy and personal insight. We can start out by employing what are called “self-soothing techniques.”

Whenever the overwhelming flood of emotions come during any given shadow work session and you no longer feel stable, cease all shadow working activity. Do not resume until you've taken a break. Remember that shadow work is an exploration of the subjective!  Whatever you find will be influenced by how you are feeling. Furthermore, your wellbeing is what’s most important. Begin by self-soothing, first by putting the pen and paper down and distracting yourself. Avoidance is unhealthy, but believe it or not, distraction in the temporary sense is your greatest ally. Here are some suggestions:

a. Distract with pleasurable activity, taking a walk, engaging in a hobby that occupies the hands such as knitting, watercolor painting or playing an instrument. Dance. Absorb yourself in a book or video game for a measured period of time. Find something that draws your attention away from the feelings for at least half an hour, or as long as it takes for you to feel stable.

b. Soothe by engaging your five senses. Listen to calming music such as Marconi Union, lo-fi hip hop or soft, ambient tunes. Put Rainy Mood on in the background if you’re mellowed by the sound of rain. Chew gum if you enjoy the taste. Treat yourself to a food that you’re permitted to eat that you also enjoy. You can also use this as a distraction technique, if you find cooking pleasurable! Relax your eyes by scrolling through stimboards, like the ones done by @prideslime and @clearslime. Watch an episode of a low-stress television show you enjoy. If you have a pet, bond with them through touch (if they like that sort of thing) and if you have a pillow, give it a comforting squeeze. Take a shower at the temperature you prefer. If you like particular textures, try using a worry stone or a velvet cloth by keeping it in your pocket! Go to a bakery just for the smell. Try burning a scented candle. Cut out perfume cards from magazines.

c. Distract yourself with counting and breathing techniques. Count both the inhalation and the exhalation of each breath backwards from ten, focusing on the sensation of the air as it passes through your lips. Do this as many times as necessary. Count or solve math problems. Focus on things like word puzzles, sudoku or brain-teaser / neuroplasticity apps. Try things like Viridi.

2. Radical Acceptance: Seeing Things For What They Are

One of the most difficult parts of dealing with overwhelming emotions are our own innate reactions to them. Our automatic response is to repress, subdue or lash out against our natural disposition toward feeling. However in shadow work, feelings are essential. Emotions are often the signposts that help us interpret what it is that we’ve found. Radical acceptance does a lot to help us then, to not only accept our feelings but later use them to empower positive change.

So in order to change things about ourselves and throughout life in general, we must first accept them uncritically and as they are. That does not mean we have to approve of them! Once we’ve found something in ourselves we might not necessarily like or know what to do with, instead of immediately making up our minds, we can practice acceptance instead.

If we discover aspects of the shadow that we dislike or find painful, we can say the following:

Every choice both I and others have made have led to this moment. 

I cannot affect what has already happened.

The present is all I can control. I am the only one who can change things.

Fighting the past only blinds me to the present.

What I discovered is what should be, given all that’s happened before.

I am the agent of my own rescue. I do not need to rewrite what’s happened to me.

Try practicing these things not only in shadow work, but also in every day life and you’ll be amazed. Once you’ve accepted any given situation, solutions begin to follow. “What is” becomes within your control; you become the arbiter of your own destiny.

3. Emotional Signposts: What Do They Mean?

After you feel adequately soothed, relaxed and in control of the present, you’re able to revisit what you’ve found. One of my favorite comics by @elodieunderglass​ talks about the emotional recognition, a concept I learned from an old acquaintance of mine. Emotions are actually our guide. Through learning more about emotional responses, we learn about ourselves. Sometimes when we assume we understand the impetus for an emotional response right away, we do ourselves a disservice. After the shadow work session, we can look at the material we journaled about within the framework of the emotional response we had and determine whether or not our findings were indicative of something more. 

Did that feeling of hopelessness overtake us because we are objectively helpless, or was it due to a history of having our autonomy obstructed or taken away? Did our feelings of shame indicate that the quality or characteristic we found in ourselves was unacceptable, or did it perhaps indicate a discomfort with our own identity thanks to feedback by our families and friends? Were we angry because we truly wished to lash out in violence or is was it because we were masking a deeper, more vulnerable emotion and using our anger to regain control?

As we reflect on our shadow work within the frame of our own emotions, we stand to gain more from it. The more we become accustomed to our feelings and to coping with them, the less we behave in ways that are potentially destructive, avoidant or afraid. This way, the quality of our life may begin to improve in unexpected ways!

It’s my hope that this was of some help to you, if you’ve made it this far. It’s a pleasure to share my findings with you and my hope they help yield insight that help you to find some peace of mind. I’ll include references below!

The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook by Matthew McKay, Jeffrey C. Wood and Jeffrey Brantley

The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem by Nathaniel Branden

[inmyheadandthoughts]

14 November 2022

I have no idea if i’ll keep this up but...here we go. Hello to a new digital journal of sorts. I realised that my hands hurt more when writing than when typing (and my typing moves faster than writing which is great for my brain which rapid-fires sentences so much so that my hands cannot keep up), so i’m beginning to port all of my journal in here. TW// before i continue and if anyone is reading this, this blog will have mentions of anxiety, depression, the desire to end one’s life, self-harm, all that jazz. Yall know how it is on here, so just a heads up.

Why post a journal on a public domain?? I write my journals in a tone that is very aware of an audience for some reason (even when i keep all my entries to myself, is that weird?), so might as well just put it out there. I think i just needed a space to vent, and partly because i was inspired by Baek Se-Hee’s I Want to Die But I Want to Eat Tteokbokki - before the publication of her book she wrote alot of her thoughts online. And i’m just like, damn...that takes a lot of courage, to let people in on your inner thoughts. But perhaps it is almost comforting to do that in an almost-anonymous space. And if it resonates with strangers then...i guess that’s the beauty of the internet perhaps.

I’m trying very hard not to start this first entry on a morose note, but then again this journal is going to be very morose anyway. So...if anyone happens upon this blog, you know what to expect. I shan’t ramble today though - i’ve been falling sick and had a covid scare 3 times in 2 days (thankfully i’m still negative, we shall see the next day). And i’ve been wanting to write this in my journal for a long time now, but i think it’s burnout. I’ve never been this stressed out about a job (my “normal” levels already hover around “tense” and “overwhelmed”), but more so for this particular one. It’s almost as if someone is constantly watching over my back and waiting for me to make a mistake and embarrass me in front of the whole company and i’ll never get to come back from said mistake (which is what?? The only event in which that would happen is if i maybe embezzle funds or do some white-collar crime shit. Which obviously would never happen but i keep thinking about it, of course.) 

But anyway back to the situation that is burnout. It’s so obvious and yet i can’t quit - yet. For one it’s been getting more and more difficult to find a job in this economy and it’s...tiring. Everyday i question if i’m fit enough to do this professionally and i’ve been in this industry for 4+ years. Imposter syndrome will never go away it seems - and that feeds into my cycle of anxiety and depression (i want to be careful with using these words because i’ve never been formally diagnosed even if the symptoms are glaring, which brings me to another point i will address later on) and hence, burnout. Add social anxiety to the mix and you’ve got a whole killer cocktail of nerves and clenched jaws and i can never relax. Maybe on the weekends - but when i want to relax i remember that maybe i should call my friends to hang out but i don’t because i don’t know if they’ll want to see me. Returning to Baek Se-Hee’s book (god, i relate so much almost every page has a highlight/bookmark), it’s probably really just(?) my low self-esteem. And try as i might (i went to therapy for 2 years between mid-209 to late 2021) i wasn’t successful in even beginning to see the other side of the coin, which makes me incredibly guilty for not doing so. Why did i waste my money (damn therapy is expensive; it will never be subsidised in my country) and my therapist’s time? I’ve also been so forgetful that i almost never remember to do my therapy homework or i’ll do it and sweep in under rug of my brain (which was also the reason why i’d stopped going abruptly, the other reason being money lol). So...(i lost my train of thought. This happens frequently in my journals and i often chastise myself for not concluding entries properly. For what reason, i myself am unsure) 

Ah yes, my point was that maybe i want to take the money i “saved” from not going to therapy all these months to see if i can get formally diagnosed. For some reason i feel like test results would come back fine and the medical staff would just be like “why would you fake it? Were you going to use your fake-diagnosis as an excuse for your behaviour?” something along those lines. Maybe it’s just me and my problematic attitude (which i’ll try to explain and unpack perhaps.) But yeah i don’t know (i say this a lot as well, haha i really don’t know a lot of things LOL), maybe it might be a relief, regardless of the outcome of any diagnosis. Something tells me something is (almost) evidently wrong, but something tells me otherwise and that i’m faking it as an excuse, that maybe everyone is truly this miserable and i’m just not strong enough to cope well with it and get on with life. But if that were truly the case i’d not get on with it and find any means to an end, literally.

[fangirlfiles1]

Rest For A Helper

Summary: College! AU. Patton is a helper, and he loves it. Sometimes, however, it all gets to be too much. He goes to Logan for help, and gets a little more than he was expecting.

Pairing: Logicality

Word count: 1679

Warnings: I don’t think there are any. A little bit of emotional distress at first, but not much. Let me know if there’s anything that needs to be tagged.

--

Patton is a helper. He has always known this. It’s something that he’s incredibly proud of, something that he wouldn’t trade for anything. It makes him feel important and special, like he’s contributing something of value to the world. He lives for the change in mood that he senses in people when he manages to find the right thing to say. He loves the moment when he can see a small flicker of self confidence spark to life inside of people. He loves people so much that he often feels his heart swelling with pride anytime he sees them succeed. These are the reasons that he is studying psychology, and why he runs an advice blog online.

He loves being a helper, most of the time.

Sometimes, however, it all gets to be too much. Sometimes he feels completely drained. The messages in his inbox cry out to him, little red notification bubbles catching his attention any time he goes online. He feels like he’s letting people down if he doesn’t respond to every single message. There’s no way that one person can help all of these people. How could he even think that he could?

As he stares at his overflowing inbox, he feels the bad thoughts creeping in, the same ones that his online following often tell him about. It’s tempting to just crawl into bed and let those demons torment him, to feel the suffering in the name of empathy, so that he can say that he understands how they feel. He is so tempted to let them bite at him, grab his ankles and pull him down into the depths of emotions that he knows are dangerous. But he is only tempted.

Sometimes he does give in, but today is not one of those days. Today he refuses to be a hypocrite. The truth is, he has been scaring himself recently. He has been angry, and he hasn’t been taking very good care of himself. It isn’t like him at all. “If you’re feeling low, sometimes you need to reach out to people who can help. That’s perfectly okay and healthy.” He has said that so many times before to other people, and it’s time for him to follow his own advice.

He closes his laptop and stands up quickly, before he can change his mind. He tucks his phone into his back pocket and leaves his dorm room, locking the door behind him. Nerves bubble up in his stomach, little voices whisper that other people have their own problems, they’re probably overwhelmed too. They tell him that he’s just going to add to their stress too. How dare he relieve his own troubles by putting them onto other people? He, of all people, should know better.

He shakes his head roughly, shooing away the thoughts, and his hair falls over his eyes. He stops in front of his friend’s door, takes a deep breath and knocks. There is some shuffling inside before the door opens.

Logan leans against the door frame, “Patton? You look disheveled. Are you alright?”

Patton brushes his hair out of his face and forces a tight smile, “Hey, Teach. I’m okay, just kind of wanted some company. Are you busy?”

“I was typing up my notes, but I could certainly use a break. Come in.” He leaves the door open and returns to his desk. Patton slowly walks inside and closes the door behind him.

He’s been in Logan’s room many times, but he still finds the interior interesting. Unlike most people, he keeps all of his past textbooks instead of selling them back to the school and they fill an entire bookshelf above his bed. Patton skims over the titles, a few of them the same textbooks that Patton himself has had, but Logan is a year ahead of him in classes. General Psychology, Abnormal Psychology, Neuroscience, and more. He turns and carefully sits down on the edge of the perfectly made bed, not wanting to wrinkle the black comforter.

Logan quickly finishes typing a sentence and saves the document before pushing down his laptop screen and rotating in his chair to face Patton. “You can tell me what’s wrong, if you’d like. You’re not your usual, upbeat self. But if you don’t want to talk about it that is, of course, fine too.”

One corner of Patton’s mouth tilts upward in a genuine smile. This is exactly why he knew he could come to Logan. He is always observant and kind. This is also part of why Patton’s heart races whenever he’s around his friend. Patton reaches over and grabs the small galaxy print pillow that he had bought for Logan a while ago to bring some color into the room. He hugs it tightly to his chest for some comfort. “I just… I feel like a bad person.”

Logan lifts an eyebrow in confusion. “Why do you feel like a bad person?”

“Because I’m ignoring people that need help.” Patton runs his fingers along the seam of the pillow and absentmindedly plays connect the dots with stars.

“Is this about the advice blog that you run?”

Patton nods.

“Patton, you help a lot of people. No single person can help that many people on their own.”

“That’s not the whole problem. I’m... I’m mad at them.” He looks up quickly, scrambling to explain himself, “I know that’s horrible. They need help and I should be able to help them. But they just keep coming back! And there just keeps getting to be more and more of them, and some of them don’t actually follow my advice and sometimes they don’t even say thank you!” He bows his head in shame, hiding behind the hair that falls over his glasses. “See? I’m a bad person.”

Logan sighs and stands, moving to sit down next to Patton. Their knees brush as Logan twists on the bed to face him. Patton braces himself for him to agree. “Have you heard of compassion fatigue?”

Patton looks up, surprised. “No. What’s that?”

“It happens a lot to therapists, doctors, and emergency first responders.” He says as he reaches over his head to grab one of the textbooks. He flips through the pages until he finds what he was looking for. He points out the phrase in bold print, and reads the definition aloud. “‘Compassion fatigue: indifference to charitable appeals on behalf of those who are suffering, experienced as a result of the frequency or number of such appeals.’ In other words, it is where people who help other people do it so often and to such an intense degree that they can’t keep it up anymore, and they become angry and bitter toward the people that they’re helping.”

Patton frowns. “That… doesn’t sound good.”

“No, it’s not.” Logan continues, “Symptoms include isolation, addiction, poor self-care, depression, and more.”

“How do you make it go away?” Patton asks, watching intently as Logan skims over the page to ensure his information is correct.

“Self-care, mostly. Taking breaks, getting enough sleep, and having hobbies that can change your mindset are all important.” Logan gently places a hand on Patton’s shoulder, “So is ensuring that you have a good support system. Have you ever talked to anyone else about this?”

“No, not really. I want to be the one that helps people, I don’t like to get in the way of people helping themselves unless it’s really bad.” Patton chews on the inside of his cheek, mulling over what Logan has said. “Maybe that isn’t the best idea.”

Logan’s face softens in a way that Patton rarely sees, and he feels his cheeks warm. “I know you want to save everyone, and that is truly admirable. But Patton, you can’t do it all on your own. Sometimes you’re not going to be able to carry it all yourself.”

“I know that, really. I just… I don’t like it! I want people to be safe and happy and okay.” Patton squishes the pillow tighter against his chest.

“Come here.” Logan wraps his arms around Patton’s shoulders and pulls him in close. Patton’s face is hot now with a blush that wraps around to the back of his neck. They have been friends for just over a year now, but Logan had never been a very physical person. This feeling is new, scary, and exciting. Patton’s breathing quickens as he circles his arms around Logan’s waist, feeling the muscles of his back through the soft fabric of his shirt. He’s warm and his breathing is incredibly calming. He feels the rumble of Logan’s voice in his chest as he speaks again, “If anyone can save the world, it’s you. You take care of everyone.” He pauses for a moment. “I would be honored if you let me take care of you.”

Patton pulls away, surprised. He stares into Logan’s eyes, seeing a hint of nervousness behind the stiff, professional expression that he puts on. Patton’s content smile grows into a beaming grin and he nods. “I would like that.”

Logan’s face softens again and he lets out a breath.

Patton reaches up and places both hands on Logan’s cheeks. “You’re so good to me, Lo.”

“I try,” he replies, blinking. His brown eyes stare into Patton’s with a warm intensity. “You deserve it.”

Patton can’t take it anymore. He pulls Logan in and presses their foreheads together, closing his eyes and hoping that he will close the distance. Their glasses bump together as the other’s lips meet his.

The kiss is soft and sweet, and Patton’s hands move to lace his fingers together around the back of Logan’s neck, his thumbs rubbing gently below his ears. They break apart and lay back on the bed, his head resting on Logan’s chest. They lay there in comfortable silence for a little while before Patton speaks up again. “I think I’m going to post on my blog that I need to take a break.”

Logan hums. “That would be a good idea.”

“Thanks, Logan,” Patton whispers, nuzzling closer. “For everything.”

--

A/N: This is dedicated to @randomslasher. You are a helper, and I know that the fandom appreciates it greatly. Please don’t forget to take time to yourself whenever you need it! You do so much for everyone. We love you! 

And to any other helpers out there, compassion fatigue is a very real thing. Remember the cliche saying, if the plane is going down, you have to put your mask on before helping others. It is so, so important to put yourself first with these things. You can’t truly help others when you’re struggling with compassion fatigue or other issues yourself. The best way to help others is to lead by example, and help when you are in a good mental place to do so! And if you don’t have a good support system, I am also a helper and you can message me if you need someone to listen. Love you guys!!!

[loyalbreed]

      Cent has decided to back away for the time being; because he feels that it is effecting people he has come to appreciate. That he doesnt know how to return such kindness that was given to him in full. And much like the beginning when the catfish thing first happened, he is overwhelmed and doesnt know where to begin to reach out to people. Again like the beginning, the only people who spoke to him about it wanting an answer. Were the people directly effected by it? Myself included, versus people who just kept using it against him?          The Catfish thing was resolved and ended well between many people who were effected actually. The person who owns the blog that is being linked about him is scrambling to delete it since it was kept by her and a lot of others. To make sure it was out there that what had done, did happen. And that it wasn't over looked either; the fact Cent asked to keep that blog up. Should be important notion alone over who he is as a person. It was not to be brought up negatively again and used as a tool to populate someones obsession and anger over him. Since it seems to continue to happen by the same people staring a new issue every so often when he has people comfortably having fun with him. Which makes me upset because it seems that if a community is happy; unhappiness needs to happen.

        I do not like long posts--and honestly this didnt stay short. But I want say how upset I am this happens again. Considering I was one of the close to him when Cent Catfished; its really stupid to see people who had nothing to do with him at the time. Bring this up as if they were really the ones effected most directly from it? Further you are bringing up bad feelings that many people have already come to let sit on their chest and deal with ultimately.        To further delve into my own sense of okay this post is about me, even though this isnt. I need you all to know how Call Out Culture is ineffective and Bad. From my stand point with my experience I want to leave you with a short burst of information about myself and how we handle it along with DCF, a separate government branch, DDS, and her therapists.         My sister is severely mentally disabled. For the rest of our lives we will be taking care of her. She cannot wash herself. She thinks that Star Scream from Transformers is real and often comes to talk to her. I told her once she couldnt date a toaster as a joke, and she threw the toaster at me screaming about it. She really thinks star scream is attractive, and often details herself with obsessions with Aliens and outer space. She thinks God is evil-- because God made her this way. And cant understand why that is a sad thing to say. She just gets frustrated; frustrated is her essence of living. And acting out on it is how she is derived of.          To continue, she has pushed me down stairs. Abused me. Told me to die. Tried killing me several times. Has emotionally abused my little brother to the point we have a separate staff of people in and out of our house for him.           This is nearly every day for me; every day it is. Is kayla alright? did she do something? Did she hurt someone? did she hurt herself? no? Good good. Today was a good day.          How is this relevant toward this situation and pertaining toward things going on; the thing is rather then take my sister out of the house considering how constant this is. The government stresses on keeping her in the home and helping us all as a whole keep together. When a break is needed; and it can be afforded. She goes into Respite Program where she leaves for a week or so. She is actually going to one soon, and is very excited because they are going to go out a lot!            To reiterate the government keeps disabled individuals who may be a threat to the family within the home. With emergency issues and things that need happen--and yes when she says she wants to kill you she means it. As someone she has tried to I can say that much alright.           To make a point; People who are an issue you do not merely remove them and or kick them out. Indeed themes need be addressed and if their are serious manners of which Pedophila is being actually done then we and you. Need to contact police enforcement. They will take you seriously; it is a serious endeavor. You can involve Tumblr Staff as well, there are channels to pull with if there is something volatile that need be addressed. I implore you to. Yet often times it seems when posts are made, the latter is true.              To highlight the issues where, Cent condones or romanticizes these things that are being said. If you read these rules it is not the case. He states that he will participate in these things but does not want just anyone asking him. Nor does he want anyone shipping with the character as he doesnt understand why it is you would? It is weird to think that from these text alone you would take context otherwise-- Especially knowing before this post was presented. Cent talked about how on his Bel blog he doesnt want to make people feel like his Bel is pushing on them or making them uncomfortable. And that he would never participate in noncon. Or that on King Arthur; he does not do any of these themes what so ever. That these themes are only present on the villainous character he does not even participate in roleplaying anymore.              To round this over; it is getting upsetting seeing how this is effecting one another when the general idea is ‘ i just want to be happy and want people to talk/do things with.’ Rather then ‘ i want nothing to do with this person. ‘ So many people are stressed out and want to talk to cent. Reach out to Cent. But are constantly being told otherwise; its sad and im happy to know that people exist out there that know in actuality how dealing with problems work. Versus adhering the idea that you need kick someone out.                    I fear those people. Because i fear letting my sister do something around someone and someone not understanding and condoning her for it when they only have a minuscule of the story. Seeing as people cant even understand someone who makes sense how would you understand someone like my sister? Its cool you can say now ‘ oh But no we arent talking about that. ‘ Yet the only reason why you can feel this way is because you know the story behind my sister, many of you dont know anything about Cent save for interacting with him and that he makes you laugh.          So Im going to Tell you one thing about Cent that for me now that you know my story makes me happy to share.           Seeing that Cent came out from such a bad place, being such a bad person, doing such horrible things but choosing to do better made me believe in others again. It made me believe that even if my sister does all the things she does. There is always a spot and place for her to truly come about and make a better decision too. True, Cent is a more able bodied man and isnt disabled like my sister. But its just the fact that he does and he could and he can. That makes me believe anyone can.           It makes me feel like no matter who you were in the past; you can always chose to be better then that. And no matter how many times or who wants to believe who you are in the past dictates who you are in the future. Wont ever mean as much; That anyone despite the things they have done can always chose to be a better person then what they had been. And cent really does solidify that fact. As someone who knew him from the time as a cat fished. That got catfished by him. Literally back stabbed by him. Only to come down and talk again as friends.                   I feel like I get to say that not anyone else, and Im really glad to be able to say that lmao. He is my closet friend and will always remain to be.             I don’t mind if you feel you do not want to talk to me or think I romanticize his issues as someone who has gone through so much. So much and more, you would not begin to understand. I feel you are more then welcome to believe that but I know there are people who talk to him and know what he does and feels the same. And are comfortable with the rounded world they have created with friends.              And I really ( SHOUNEN VOICE ) I really just believe in people--people change. And Cent makes me realize that this is possible. And you cant just remove people out of your life thinking they wont. And because I know better and because I am an adult with my head well on my shoulders. I can make that decision, i understand if you cannot yet or are afraid or uncertain. I implore you to keep yourself safe just know that some of us feel chill. and we are all alright btw!! So dont feel like we are being attacked or manipulated by cent. 

But I insist you stop thinking that trying to get rid of someone is going to solve an issue. People continue living and breathing every day regardless of what you think or want to happen? No one is ignoring the issues or ignoring the fact that stuff happened if you are scared or uncertain as well about them feel free to add me and we can always group convo and you can let your feelings bare. Or anyone really? just be mindful and fair?

This isnt going to make Cent come back i really just feel like. I want these feelings to be known and that if you are ever called out personally I will gladly give you a chance of your own. I can only hope to god, that he would give that chance to my sister one day if something happened. And to anyone and everyone, as well as  teach other people that everyone deserves that much.

[seesarahaccomplishstuff]

Therapy today helped a bit.

I told my therapist how I’ve been having intense breakdowns since Monday and haven’t been doing okay.

She asked what happened and I told her how I thought the childhood stuff wouldn’t bother me because it was so long ago, but it’s so frustrating to see how much my parents fucked me up. And now there’s this huge list of ways I’m broken that won’t stop growing. And it’s my entire personality. And more people are leaving and that triggered my anxiety, and someone that I’m trying to trust massively crossed a boundary that made my rejection issues even worse.

So she nodded and said “you have a lot to work on. And you really jumped all into it, which is really great, but you’re going to feel like you’re losing for a while. It’s going to overwhelm you a lot. And it’s going to feel easier to lock yourself in your room and off yourself.” (Which I didn’t expect her to say, but she’s right) So I said, “I just don’t fully see the point in trying to fix 30 years of broken.”

“What’s wrong with your personality?” “It’s all fucked up. Everything I do is codependent.” “Sure. Give me an example.” And I couldn’t think of one offhand, so I said, “the thing I realized the other day was I do something for someone because I care right? Which is fine. But also when people are stressed about their situation they get mad. And when that happens I get snapped at and shoved away. So I help to avoid that too I think.”

She was not sold on that. “You used to buy dinner for friends a lot. You did that so you wouldn’t get in trouble?” “No. I did it because I like when people do nice things for me and they don’t always make sure they can eat so I do it so they feel cared about and are healthy.” “That’s just being kind. When you would pay a bill for them they typically pay it right back. So is that codependent?” “No. They need help so I help and they pay it back.” “The times you did it when you didn’t have money to spare. (Which I argued and she called me out lol) The times you let them blow off repaying- that was codependent. You do have a lot of codependent tendencies. But kindness is inherently codependent. You can’t rip apart any time you’ve shown someone kindness. Your biggest codependency issue is not holding boundaries for yourself.”

“You need to repeat the phrase ‘People treat you the way you’ve taught them to treat you’.” “My friend used to say that to me at least once a week.” “Yea well, they’re smart and we’ve covered that you needed to listen to what they’d tell you more than you did. You also need to remember that you don’t control other’s emotions. And other people don’t control yours.”

“People think you’re manipulative and controlling. That’s what they’ve taken from your behavior. You can’t control that. You know it’s not what you intended. You know you’ve been improving for many months. I know you have. But you made them feel a certain way and their opinions didn’t change. You can look at that and acknowledge it and re-examine your behavior like you are. But you can’t change their minds. And their feelings don’t make you that person. So fixating on it doesn’t get you anywhere.”

And then she asked me if I was doing all of this for me or them and I told her I’m having a hard time prioritizing myself. That it pisses me off when people pull the “great pain means great growth. You’ll look back and smile” bullshit. Because the way this feels is terrible and I hate it. So, I know I can’t change anyone’s view of me, but I’m doing all this to try and be who I wanted to be for people who had to leave because of my behavior. And she accepted that.

I also have to start some EDM... pretty sure it’s 4 letters. It’s something to work through past trauma. She said she’d send videos to watch. My alanon group leader asked if she did that sort of thing last week so I guess that’s just where we are. Wait lol... edm is music lemme actually Google the acronym so I seem less ignorant. EMDR, damn dyslexia. Anyway. That.

But basically, I need to really work to not shred myself when I’m low. It’s gotten bad. I also need to start on my books that came yesterday. 2/3 are here. She wants me to try and list my codependent behaviors. I also need to start painting and journaling again. I like this outlet and it’s easiest for my brain, but the way I was doing it all in my watercolor notebook was really therapeutic. It’s just been a bitch of a week.

I’ll be fine and I feel less like having a breakdown or dying. I think I know another thing that is really fucking with me through everything, but I don’t feel comfortable posting it here right now I think. I also can’t do anything about it.

Last night in alanon a woman said “when one door closes another one opens, but the hallway is hell.” And like, yea. Fuck dude. I took a psych class once where the teacher had a gazillion psych type degrees and would open the class with us getting to ask about mental health shit. And one kid asked if it was possible to change personalities. And he said “sure, but you usually see it following a trauma where it rewrites your thought processes. Because it’s hell to do otherwise, and a lot of people can’t handle it.” And I get it now. I thought he meant habits and comfort zones. But it feels like being handed a pile of shards that used to be your brain and given a timelimit to reassemble it. But half the pieces are trauma copies and you have to figure out which parts are imposters, but they actually fit better than the pieces that should be there. And if you fail you lose everything.

Anyway, that’s where I am today. I queued a couple posts last night so you might see random downers, but what I’m thinking of doing is only reblogging positive stuff, and queueing negative stuff that resonated for like, 7am. And I say that because sometimes I rescroll my blog to recount the day or previous day to either feel good with the good posts again or reevaluate the things I’ve said the day before. Since with my mood they don’t always apply still or I may have a totally different approach at that thought. And I do that when I go to bed around 2. So at 7 I won’t be seeing negative shit right before bed. Cuz I’ve fallen asleep and woken up bitter the last few days.

We’ll see. I have lots to do today. I’ve been off twitter so no children have reminded me to do my taxes. I also have to get a new phone today so I’m fully out from under my mother. And I have insurance stuff and inspection cleaning to tackle. It’s only 1 and I’m ready to call it a day.

I hope what my therapist said helps anyone else who is struggling. I like hearing the lines that have stuck with patients and really helped them. So when it doesn’t fuck with me I’d like to be open about what I discuss in therapy. I always used to think it’d solve so many of my problems if I could send my friends zoom links of my sessions since I’m so bad at expressing myself lol. So this is also a bit of an exercise for me to be more outspoken about my feelings (if this bothers anyone you can send an anonymous ask) And therapy isn’t accessible to everyone so maybe it gives someone what they need to go forward a bit in their struggles. (Alanon and CoDa are free and on zoom now though! Definitely look into it if it applies to you!)

There’s a line in a bts song. Idk which one honestly, Ik it’s in the BE photo book though I can post a pic. It comes to mind because my friend would write it a lot when they first heard it. And it’s something like “sometimes we get to know that broken is beautiful”. My therapist today said “you are broken, everyone is. And no one is as broken as they think they are.” I hope one day this feels like a beautiful moment in my life and not the purgatory it feels like. I hope I grow enough for it to be worth it.

[eeveelutionsforequality]

@mod vape, do you have any tips for dealing with hypersexuality or addiction? bc uh. getting off hurts. idk if it’s specifically because ive been doing it so goddamn much or because of the fucking legion of medical problems i have, but it’s DEFINITELY making my abdominal pain worse and i dont know how to stop gjdfjhk.

Well, firstly, go to the doctor about that pain - there are injuries, illnesses, sexual dysfunctions, and all sorts of things from that could be causing a pain like that (it could be a pulled muscle, a cyst, maybe you aggravated a pre-existing health issue, etc), and it's best to rule out anything too dangerous as soon as you can, and to treat anything treatable. Even if it is tied to or caused by overdoing sex/masturbation, just mitigating that habit isn't guaranteed to fix it.

I was getting some pretty bad pain from even small dildos/vibrators, and I decided to go to the doctor in case it was something dangerous - thankfully, it turned out to just be a sexual dysfunction (basically spasms and tightening of the muscles in the vagina, in my case caused by trauma). I was supposed to get therapy for it, but I never went because I was having another therapy at the time and my carer was like "But what if they cancel each other out!?" and I was like "That's not how it works..." Sometimes it acts up but I think I've got it mostly under control. I've also had to go to the doctor for sprained/strained wrists more times than I would like to admit... I used to be like "Oh I played my guitar for too long" or "Oh I think I leant on my walking stick for too long" and now I'm just like "Wanker's cramp".

Trust me and my plethora of injuries when I say that doctors are professionals, they went to medical school, they see genitalia on a daily basis, they've seen eyes and ears and giant sores full of puss... it's really rare to get a doctor that will look down upon or judge you for that. Sure you'll get the odd "You should masturbate less", "Here's a big speech about the risks of STDs and pregnancy", "Have you told your therapist about this", but it's more of an "I'm contractually obliged to impart medical advice" than an "I think you're gross" 99% of the time.

Secondly, I do have tips, but I'm still hella bad at dealing with my own issues - I still smoke more than I want to, drink til I puke, sleep with strangers, lose days to laying in bed alone, have an aching pain in my wrists, etc. Obviously I don't have all of the answers, so I can't promise that they'll be the best tips in the world - it's worth doing some more research of your own, and it might be worth talking to your doctor/therapist if you can't manage it on your own.

You haven't given much detail about how specifically it affects you or what the addiction is to (sexual stuff in general, masturbation, casual sex, porn, etc), so I'm going to try to cover as much as I can (like dealing with sexual thoughts about people in your life, limiting the number of times you masturbate, etc) and I hope that at least some of what I say is useful to you.

Okay, so the first tip I have is: try not to slip into the mentality that cold turkey is the only way to go if it's not what you want - thinking "I can't have this. I'm not allowed this." can increase cravings. Thinking "I'm allowed this later... if I stay motivated not to do it now and if I only do it in moderation, and it's gonna be great." can make waiting out those cravings a lot easier, provided you have the self-control to not slip back into a bad habit after once.

Ways to avoid slipping back into bad habits include: having time (or number of the thing) limits for when and how long you are allowed, having something to do afterwards that takes your mind off it (for example "once I've done it once, I have to get up, take out the rubbish, email my boss, read that global warming article, and get ready for bed"), other rewards/punishments (put a book you really want in your Amazon basket then click "save for later", if at the end of the fortnight you've accomplished your goal then buy the book, if you fail the fortnight resets and you have to wait two more weeks - set smaller goals with smaller rewards, and larger goals with larger rewards), keeping and going over a diary so that you can see what worked and what didn't, if there's a pattern to failures, progress even if you're not meeting goals (at which point try to make the upcoming goals a little easier since you're expecting too much of yourself), and so on.

Secondly, and it's the most generic tip ever but it's SUPER important for addictions because they can damage your pre-frontal cortex... healthy diet, exercise, meditation, mental exercises, getting some sun, and other daily tasks are super important.

You need to get into the habit of something like reading or pottery or drawing for at least half an hour to an hour every day - turn off your internet, games, distractions, and maintain concentration on what you're doing. This helps repair the effects that addictions can have on your pre-frontal cortex and dopamine receptors by activating the parts of your brain that work towards maintained motivation and focus for smaller or distant rewards, which in turn will help your brain work normally again, which in turn will increase motivation and willpower.

Cooking more difficult meals will have similar benefits and a healthy diet improves your overall health. Exercise does the same even more effectively than either, and it has the added bonus of energizing you, increasing your focus on other tasks that you do afterwards, various health benefits, lifting your mood, and helping you be tired by the end of the day so that you'll be able to sleep easier - insomnia is a really dangerous trigger for any addiction, but especially a masturbation or sex addiction, because you're in an environment that is associated with that behaviour and the behaviour makes it easier to sleep afterwards, so you've every reason to start doing it if you find yourself unable to sleep.

Which brings me on to another reason why keeping a diary is especially important - you need to isolate your triggers. Establish what happened immediately before the behaviour, what you were thinking, and what potentially led to the behaviour. Then you can work towards either avoiding those triggers, lessening them, being mindful of them, or training yourself to exhibit a different behaviour in response to them - for example, if having a shower triggers you to masturbate, try singing in the shower instead, training your brain to react to showers with the urge to sing instead of the urge to masturbate.

You might also want to try sleeping meds, so that you can take them, read until they start to kick in, and then immediately go to bed and try to sleep - that way there's less of a gap between going to bed and falling asleep where something could happen.

Routine can also be really helpful for some people - you're supposed to fall asleep between about 10pm and 1am for optimal sleep, and you're supposed to wake up between 6 and 8 hours later. Get out of bed as soon as you wake up to avoid lethargy, and either exercise or go for a short walk, or do something that starts your brain and body working for the day. After that, prepare breakfast, don't watch TV or distract yourself while you eat. Continue the day with a routine that works for you, and you could set a time at which you will masturbate (or maybe a date you're allowed to go to the club and pull... how you work in routine if you have a long-term sexual partner is something you would need to talk to them about) that doesn't interfere with your routine.

Avoid bars, pubs, clubs, tinder, grindr, and anything else that can be a trigger for that or makes quick hook-ups easy - I know that I can go to the pub near me (because there'll be nobody there for that, it's an "old people come here to watch football" pub), and that I can go to a pub or bar with friends if I'm having a good day, but making sure that my flat wasn't within walking distance of a club and deleting dating apps was really helpful to me (it meant that even if the temptation was there the effort required to act on it was too much and took too long, so I'd catch myself).

I also log off any tumblr that I'm following people on that post NSFW, porn, sexual stuff or anime stuff if necessary - just like how I log off any tumblrs where I follow political blogs if I'm getting overwhelmed by that. But it is still good to have a tumblr for NSFW stuff, to have somewhere that you can express certain things, reblog things, feel less alone, enjoy things that you enjoy - don't demonize the side of you that likes sex, don't lock it in a cell in the back of your head, just tell it that it can't control you.

I'm also working on not putting myself in as many situations that can make me feel like I'm being too flirty or as many situations that cause too many uncomfortable or sexual thoughts at a time when they're stressing me - like, I don't come online as much when I'm drunk now, I don't have as many sleepovers, and I don't tend to maintain physical contact for as long (like, I don't hold hands as often as I used to), for example.

That said, you can't live out your life hiding from people who your brain might think something sexual about - isolating yourself is unhealthy. Humans are social creatures and social interaction is good for us, talking to people about our problems is good for us, distractions and fun are good for us. I find structured social plans make things easier - so, I like plans like "lets cook together then eat the awesome meal", "lets go see a movie", "lets go to the town center and taste hot chocolate from as many cafés as we can before I puke", "lets go to the fair" and things like that (that said, agoraphobia is awful and ruins like 90% of my social interaction). Keep people in your life who you're comfortable with and who make you happy.

Remember that what you're thinking or mental images that pop into your head aren't evil, it doesn't mean that you have a crush on them, that you actually want to do sexual things with them, that you can't be their friend, or anything like that... they're just thoughts. You didn't choose them. Just let them pass.

Your surroundings and triggers are incredibly important things to stay on top of though, be that to mitigate stress in social situations, or to prevent you from engaging in more sex/masturbation than you want to or than is safe for you to.

Don't spend your day in the same place that you masturbate - even if you don't live alone you can avoid being in bed when you're in your room, you could get a sofa, beanbag, comfy chair, gigantic cushion, or other comfortable place to sit in your bedroom so that you don't have to be in your bed, and put that in a part of your room with different posters/decoration to those around your bed.

Lots of things can become associated with certain behaviours in your brain, from sitting in a certain place to feeling a certain emotion. Try to avoid being too exposed to those things at times when you don't intend to be doing something sexual, and replace them with other things that make you happy, keep you distracted, and aid in training concentration and willpower (maths games, board games, card games, puzzles, reading, cooking, exercise, drawing, writing, etc).

Even things like separating any porn or sexual pictures in your phone into a hidden folder instead of having it pop up when you go to look for pictures, or keeping magazines or the pornhub bookmark out of sight, can really help with lessening the regularity with which things pop into your head.

Finally, and I've hinted at it throughout this, mindfulness and meditation are things that many addicts find incredibly helpful. It's really worth doing some googling, watching some YouTube videos, and learning those techniques (and it's good to be doing research in general into ways to help addictions or hypersexuality disorders, because there are quite a few schools of thought and there are probably a lot of things that I've missed).

Meditation, like reading and exercise, helps train your mind into maintaining focus, not reacting to distractions and urges, relaxing, letting thoughts pass by, and being less hectic and loud - it also has health benefits, can help you sleep, can help you take time from your busy schedule to yourself (an urge that may have been previously feeding the addictions instead, as they can be linked to a need for control), and can help you work through thoughts or anxieties.

Mindfulness helps in various ways too - for example, smokers found that being mindful (observing, essentially) helped them quit because it led to them paying more attention to how bad the cigarette tasted, and it also allowed them to non-judgmentally observe the cravings that they felt, observe why they were feeling those cravings, and allow them to pass by. It's about letting your thoughts exist, letting things exist, acknowledging them, but not letting them control you.

You can study mindfulness for yourself - research it online, read one of the many books about it, watch YouTube videos, etc - or you can go to the doctor and ask for a therapy that teaches mindfulness (I found learning about it in my own time more helpful, and have had more success with that, but I think that was mostly related to not having a great therapist - plus, online gives me more opportunities to look into the how and why, to see how other people do it, to look deeper into it, to take as long as I need, while therapy was just an elderly lady snapping at me for using my phone and telling me to imagine that my thoughts are clouds and distracting me constantly).

So yeah...

Step 1: Go to the doctors for that pain, it's probably something minor but it's better safe than sorry.

Step 2: Do more research, Mod Vape doesn't know everything.

Step 3: Keep a diary and try to isolate what things are triggering you, what you're feeling beforehand, and be mindful of what you're thinking, what you're feeling, and what you're gaining/losing from the experience.

Step 4: Try to keep yourself away from things that trigger you, but also remember that you don't have to entirely abstain from valuable things - you can train new reactions as responses to those things, you can work on self-control, and so on.

Step 5: Work on your routine, diet, exercise, habits, and hobbies, so that you can improve your willpower, motivation, and health.

Step 6: Research and practice meditation and mindfulness.

Step 7: Set and work towards small goals, rewarding yourself for successes and keeping track of your progress.

Step 8: If you can't control the addiction or behaviour, if the thoughts are becoming difficult to live with, if these problems continue to cause you distress, there is no shame in seeking professional help. You don't have to do this alone.

Remember that chemical imbalances and other neurological issues can cause such things - if you can't manage it alone, that could be a warning sign that something serious or physiological is going on. Not being able to quit doesn't necessarily mean that somebody's "not trying hard enough", and instead of beating yourself up talk to somebody who can do blood tests, scans, or whatever else is necessary to make sure that you're okay and that you overcome your struggles.

~ Vape

[charlie-minion]

Day 2/365

January 2: Review of 2017. Include your best memory of the year.

Last year was definitely in the top 3 of “Worst years of my life”. I’ve had very awful years before, but I can say that 2017 probably beat them all. For those who have been following me for a while now, this won’t come as a surprise; I’ve posted about my struggles with depression more than a couple of times and how things were getting worse and worse. Therefore, to write a review of 2017, I have to describe my journey to the pit bottom I touched last year. This will get very long and maybe triggering for some, so I’ll put it under the cut.  

I started to have a hard time to deal with stress at some point in April. I’ve always been an anxious person, but I could find ways to deal on my own. However, this time I don’t know why, but everything began to feel overwhelming. I had a full-time job as a teacher that consumed no less than 9 hours of my day, and I also had classes to take after work (I’m a post-graduate student). At work, most of my students were wonderful and I loved them. The seniors, though, were really hostile (not all of them but more than half the class). It wasn’t the first time I was dealing with that sort of behavior, but for some reason I was on edge more often than not. As a result, I started drinking a little, only on weekends at first, but then during the week too. The thing is that I was still highly functional at work and at school. Nobody noticed anything different about me because I was still extremely good at putting up a front. But the energy necessary to do that was draining me pretty quickly.

In May I started to have panic attacks for stupid things. I had to interview some of the seniors as part of their scholarship process. The day I was told by the principal the minimum number of students I had to interview, I lost my shit. I had to lock myself in the bathroom in my office. I started crying, had trouble breathing, and my chest hurt. I couldn’t hold the tears or the feeling of dread inside me; I had no idea what was wrong with me. I don’t remember how long I spent there, trying to get a grip. That should have been the sign I needed to be certain that something was definitely not okay, but as usual, I tried to deal with it on my own.

In the middle of June, I had an argument with a dear friend of mine who happened to be my coworker. I’d talked to him a couple of times regarding his behavior toward the seniors (one student in particular). When typing this up, I realized that the first time I talked to him about it was around April. I was so afraid when I did it; I thought he’d get angry with me, but he didn’t (or so he led me to believe). I wonder if that talk had anything to do with my difficulties to deal with stress later on. The thing is that in June I talked to him a third time because I knew some people were talking behind my friend’s back and suspected him of having a “special interest” in a 17-year-old boy who was our student. I cared for my friend, but I cared for my students too. My friend had told me he had a kind of crush on the boy, but I knew he would never act on it. However, I also knew that he was making his crush too obvious and if other people noticed, my friend would get fired and his reputation would be damaged. I tried to explain all that to him, but I guess he thought I had my own agenda. He blocked me on all social media and our friendship was over all at once.  

By the end of June not only had I lost the friend I thought I had but I also learned that he had been talking about me behind my back since April. He had tried to damage my reputation so that if I said something about him nobody would believe me. I felt sad and betrayed. I know what ill-intentioned rumors can do to a person professionally and emotionally (I was at the receiving end of such things back in 2011 thanks to someone who called herself my “friend”). All I wanted in this situation was to 1) make sure my students were 100% safe and 2) make sure my friend remembered how serious this line of work is. I never intended to hurt him in any way. I talked directly to him, not to the principal or to anyone else. I was his friend and because of that I wanted to be honest with him without being unethical. What I got in return was a stab in the back. He stopped talking to me, ignored me, left the room when I arrived (and we shared an office for God’s sake!). I already felt overwhelmed, but after all this happened, I definitely started to lose balance. I always worked so hard to have a good relationship with everyone at work and suddenly it was over because even my other coworkers looked at me as if I was the ill-intentioned person looking for conflict.

By the time July started, I had begun to understand I was not okay. I confided in another friend at work who had always been there to support me (the only person I could still trust). She told me to look for professional help. I didn’t. I still thought I could handle it. I’ve been a high-functional depressive for years, so I thought this, too, would pass. I kept on working and continued drinking a little more every time. Reading had always been my way to escape, but I stopped doing it ‘cause I couldn’t concentrate anymore. I couldn’t write any original content for my blog; I could barely keep it together at work, but I was grateful at least I had some time off from school. Then July 20 happened. Chester Bennington died by suicide. The one who helped me through my teenage years. My hero. That blow was enough to push me over the edge. I had spent months trying not to lose it, trying to be okay, and after Chester passed, I couldn’t anymore; I just let myself sink deeper into my depression. I had been having sleeping problems, but after July 20, I was lucky if I got 2 hours of sleep. Grief took over completely.

August was a nightmare! I’m still amazed that no one around me realized I was faking it big time. Each smile was painful, but I still managed to be “happy”, “funny” and “full of life”. My classes were still great and I could still make my students laugh, learn, and have a good time, but the pain in my chest did not disappear. The moment I was home, I would start crying for no reason and I kept drinking even though I knew I shouldn’t. There’s always been a dark part of my mind. A voice that always reminds me of all my failures, of all the times I’ve been wronged, of all my broken dreams. The voice is always there, but I can normally shut it down. I couldn’t do that in August. The voice, my darkest self, took over bit by bit until I completely disassociated. I saw myself doing stuff and had no control whatsoever. I saw myself as if I were not present anymore, as if I were trapped in a part of my head that wouldn’t let me out. That’s how I felt when I tried to overdose on anxiety medication and had the worst hours of my life, followed by disappointment rather than regret.

The last weeks of August and all of September were about getting professional help. My suicide attempts (I tried twice) failed, and somehow I knew I had reached the lowest point of my existence. I just knew I couldn’t deal anymore; I was utterly defeated. I started to see a psychologist twice a week and he sent me to a doctor. I did everything the doctor said and we found out my physical health was excellent. The doctor sent me to a psychiatrist with a note that I had to be seen urgently (they still feared for my life). I was prescribed some other medication and through all the process I just felt numb. After two appointments, the psychiatrist stopped receiving me without letting me know why. One of my closest friends wants me to sue him ‘cause I had to stop taking the medication suddenly as I could obviously not get it anymore. That kind of medication can increase suicidal thoughts; nobody should ever stop taking it just like that. I didn’t want to sue him, though. I wasn’t in the right state of mind to even think about it. I don’t even know how in the world I managed to still work and study at that point.

At the beginning of October, my mood swings were driving me insane, but I was still trying to work through it all with the help of my therapist. Mental health is so important, but people’s ignorance about it is unbelievable. That’s why I decided to take advantage of World Mental Health Day to use the topic “Myths and Facts about Depression” in a class with the seniors (something they had previously requested along with around 30 other topics). I used reliable sources and very interesting activities to encourage group discussion and some sort of reflection about the issue. I’m an English as a foreign language teacher, so making the students speak in English is important in class.

Everything went to hell when my almost 16-year-old dog died in October 9. She got sick and even though I took her to the vet immediately, she needed a surgery. She survived the surgery but died from a heart attack after it. The pain of losing my long-term companion was unexplainable. In addition, my mom chose those days to prove again and again that I can never count on her when I need her. So I lost my shit again. I had never in my life felt so helpless, hopeless and alone. I couldn’t feel anything except pain. Everything felt too heavy, too painful. I couldn’t breathe properly, I couldn’t sleep and faking it for the rest of the world felt like the worst punishment ever. The only thing I could do was talk about it with a couple of friends, but people don’t know what to do or what to say in these cases. I still felt alone and miserable, so I posted something here in my blog in the middle of one my crises.

People reached out and offered kind words that however well-intended did nothing to fill the emptiness inside me. Except there was one person, one extraordinary human being that went well out of her way to reach out to me. She’s become the main reason I’m still trying to keep myself alive. She’s part of my life now, and she’s made ME part of her life as well. Not just that… she’s made me an important part of her life. Somehow, she makes me feel less alone. She makes me think that someone out there cares for me and listens, really listens without judging me, without blaming me, or dismissing my feelings and my pain. She’s a ray of light in the middle of the dark. She’s like water in a desert. She’s the one who gripped me tight and raised me from perdition. She’s my angel. She’s the only good memory I have of 2017.  

Of course, my year still had to suck a little more. In November I lost my job. One of my hateful coworkers started a rumor that I had used “13 Reasons Why” in class with the students (which was total bullshit). People talked behind my back and made it a huge deal. My boss, the principal of the school, gathered all the proof he could to demonstrate that I was innocent. He did prove that it was a lie, but his boss (who had tried to fire me many times in previous years simply because she didn’t like me), said that I should be given a Disciplinary Action for using a depression-related topic in class. I didn’t even know what was happening until my boss talked to me and explained everything, but he thought he could still fix things. All this happened without my knowing. I was informed on a Friday, and then the following Thursday I was told I was going to be fired. November 30 was my last day, but surprisingly that was also the last day of my ex-friend. He got fired because of the rumors I had warned him about. Karma’s a bitch, I guess.  

I spent all December at home, unemployed, defeated and not knowing what to do with my life. Where I live, the school year begins in January and ends in November. There was no way I could find a job in December, so 2018 is a fresh start. My boss gave me a beautiful recommendation letter and cried the day we said goodbye. He did all he could to save my job because he knew I was a very good teacher, but his boss threatened his position and he has 2 daughters to provide for. The woman who decided to fire me had wanted to do so since 2014 and treated me poorly every time she could. I hadn’t quit because she almost never visited us, but I was hoping to quit after I finished my master’s degree. I guess I should’ve done it when she made it clear she wanted me out.  

I had to stop seeing my therapist because I can’t afford it anymore. At least I stopped drinking because I can’t afford it either. I lost control just once in December and bought some cheap booze in the middle of another of my crises. I took 2000mg of Escitalopram, hoping that maybe third time’s the charm, but I’m still here, and the only thing I got out of that attempt was to make my angel worry and feel useless. I don’t want to hurt her again, so I promised I’m going to try to get better. I don’t know if I can manage without professional help, but without a job, there’s nothing I can do about it. I just have to keep fighting and remember that I’m not alone. Even if she’s very far from me and I can’t possibly board a plane to hug her when I need to, I know that she’s with me and that she cares.

This was my 2017. I can’t really say I’m grateful to be alive ‘cause that would be a lie, but I guess the only thing that’s left for me to do is hope that 2018 will be better and do my best to care for myself and allow myself to heal. This year will certainly be challenging and scary because I don’t even know where to start. But by writing these journal entries, I’ll try to keep myself busy enough to prevent another crisis. To finish, I just want to say #Fuck2017.