#but my heart rate is not >150 anymore

[anxiously-avoiding]

PT: so I told you to track how much water you drink. Did you. Uh. Do that

Me: yeah, I did my homework. It was two bags of iv fluids and a milkshake 👍

PT: WTF THATS NOT WHAT I MEANT

[endlessfuckup]

gonna go try and sleep this off

whatever tf it is

[thebibliosphere]

Tw: almost dying, muscle spasms, seizures and weird body fuckery.

I just had my second ER trip of the month. I thought the amitriptyline was making my heart weird in a non-POTSy way and I had a feeling that something was just wrong. So I woke Mothman up and asked him to take me to the ER.

Which is just as well because as soon as we got there I started experiencing uncontrollable muscle spasms and my resting heart rate shot up to 150.

The triage nurse bolted me through the corridors into a room of about four doctors and seven nurses. The rest is a blur but I remember crying for Mothman because I couldn't see him past the wall of medical people around me.

Turns out I was extremely hypocalcemic, as in my blood results for my ionized calcium levels were so low it was a medical emergency. If I’d stayed home and assumed my rapid heart was from POTS I likely would have had a seizure or possibly a heart attack.

The doctor in charge told me he’d only ever seen the spasmodic movements I was making in textbooks before, but it was so distinctive he knew right away it was hypocalcemia. Blood tests confirmed it. My serum levels were “normal” but my ionozed levels were virtually zero.

Also, my thyroid is shot. I need to get more tests done. Possibly linked to the hypocalcemia. Possibly why my migraines have been so bad. Basically it was the b12 fiasco all over again. All my test results looked normal until I almost died

Again.

Anyway. I’m home now after being given a massive dose of IV calcium and a ton of othe meds. Sadly, I’m not allowed to take the amitriptyline anymore, at least until we’ve figured out my thyroid and why my calcium was so low while still appearing normal. Thankfully I was only on it for a week at a very low dose so the side effects of coming off it cold turkey shouldn't be too bad. I’m dreading the head pain returning. But who knows, maybe the massive dose of calcium will help with that. Keep your fingers crossed for me, eh?

I’m going to try and sleep.

Or just stare into the void for a bit. Haven’t decided yet.

[thatwritterbeach]

One messed up bat pt.2

Dc masterlist all other parts found here

Batfam x reader Jason Todd x reader

Summary: the batfam's approach to Y/n self harming, Bruce is a meanie, and neglectful meanie

warnings: Angst, self harm (active), self hate, depression, anxiety, eating disorder,mentions of alcohol and drugs but not use of either, sexual assault mention, non-con mention, joker has bad touched y/n, puke, purging,

I do not own dc, kinda short sorry. Full bruce hate, I never forgave him for not killing the joker, among other things

Bruce, Dick, Tim, and Damian all sat around her while Alfred poured tea. Her leg was bouncing and her fingers were tapping on her knees.

"Somebody gonna fill me in," Bruce asked into the silence.

"I second that," Jason said.

"Well, we are here to support-" Tim started to say before Damian cut in.

"Y/n was cutting herself and you have to fix it," he said from his spot next to her. He latched himself onto her arm and rolled her sleeve up to show off the bandage.

"Y/n," Bruce said softly, running a hand down his face in exhaustion. He's too tired to put up with you.

"Why," Jason asked moving to sit next to her and grab her other hand. Tim was sitting on the back of the couch behind her, Dick was perched on the arm next to Damian and Bruce was across from her in an arm chair.

"I'm in a family of superheros that spends more time looking after strangers than they do their own people."

"Y/n," Dick said on a sigh.

"It's our job," Bruce said. Like that excused all the neglect.

"If you're just gonna undermine everything I say and bring up 'the mission' as an excuse for everything there's no point in having this conversation cuz it's just gonna make things worse," she seethed glaring at Bruce.

"No more work talk, just tell us about you," Dick said.

"Damian go help Alfred with dinner."

"But-"

"Go." He rolled his eyes but stomped out of the room.

"I've been cutting since Jason died-"

"Shit," Tim interrupted quietly.

"Burning too when I feel like it. Definitely have an eating disorder, depression goes without saying. All forms of anxiety, panic attacks, anxiety attacks, hmmm," she paused in mock thought looking to the ceiling for answers.

"What do you mean burning," Jason asked before she could continue.

"I use a lighter to heat up a blade, or something else metal and hold it to my skin. Just 1st and second degree, enough to blister. I prefer burning because the pain lasts longer," she explained casually. Stop talking you idiot!

"Y/n," Dick muttered, so sadly the guilt crept up her throat.

"How else do you hurt yourself," Bruce asked sliding her tea closer to her, like that helped.

"I think that's it, don't know I've done shit for so long I don't even think anymore. I blink and there's a few new cuts I don't remember making." Stop talking!

"Oh my god," Tim whispered.

"You black out? Do you drink," Jason accused, unwilling to ask about drugs.

"Nope, never touch the stuff." Where her hands shaking or was she imagining that? Didn't matter Jason's warm and rough hand enveloped both of hers to stop them. Are your eyes meant to get fuzzy when your crush touches you?

"What can we do to help, what do you need from us," Bruce asked eyeing their hands with a touch of unease?

"Oh, now you care. What fifteen, twenty kids later you care? I don't need or want anything from you, actually, no, what I want is my damn job back." Is your heart supposed to be at 150 BPM?

"Sweets, I can feel your heart through your finger tips."

"I'm fine, my heart rate's always a bit fast." But she was starting to sweat.

"Are you having any other systems, how often do you have anxiety attacks," Dicks asked sitting beside her to hold two fingers to her pulse and count.

"Once a week, once every two weeks, I don't know, why?"

"Do you feel like you're going into one?"

She took a deep breath and did a mental self-assessment. Fast heart, sweat, shaky hands, but clear thoughts.

"I don't-I don't...it doesn't feel like it? Maybe just heightened anxiety, I don't know, I feel more anger than anxiety," she told him smacking his hand away when he tried to check for a fever.

"Does your heart rate usually get to 160 when you're mad," Dick asked.

"Sounds right, I have anger issues." Jason snorted out a laugh.

"Welcome to the club kid." His hand moved to tug on her hair then dropped to her neck to rub circles with his thumb.

"When you call me kid it makes me feel small and useless," she told him with soft smile.

"Shit, sorry."

"I cal you kid, like ninety percent of the time," Dick panicked.

"Chill big bird, it's not gonna drive me to a cliff."

"You're not going back to work."

"Wayta' read the room, Bruce," Tim chastised dramatically draping himself over the back of the couch.

"Careful, Tim your fruit is showing," Y/n said, laughing at her own joke. ( Tim is bi in this)

"His what," Jason whisper yelled whipping his head around to check his brother fly. Dick who was 'hip' to the kids slang these days just laughed and high fived her.

"What's fruit then?"

"When someone is gay you call them fruity," she explained gesturing to Tim's totally not straight pose.

"Oh, got it. Wait a damn minute, that's what you meant when you called me a mango nerd the other day."

"Dude you said and I quote 'you can't wear that spring outfit with that fall purse you heathen' with a hand on your hip."

"It was for a benefit ball, I was trying to help you, you fashionably challenged fool."

"Get a room," Tim complained throwing a hand over his eyes like even watching them was painful.

"Was it that peach dress with the blue clutch," Dick asked, of course, he hadn't attended but he saw the papers and news.

"Sorry, I thought I was the girl in this family, let me just turn my closet over to you-"

"Can we get back to your issues," Bruce interrupted, freaking buzzkill.

"Sorry, was my bonding time with brothers I haven't seen together in over a month cutting into your plans. Are you trying to wrap this up so you can put on your Halloween costume and go beat up poor people. Sorry my depression is such an inconvenience for you. Don't worry, me slicing into my own flesh can take a backseat to your useless and selfish vendetta.-"

"That's enough, I do care-"

"Really! Did you care when your second robin got murdered and you couldn't be bothered to stop his killer, did you care when you forced me into that suit and took me out with basically no training? Did you care when the man you refused to kill took me hostage, when the devil you clearly love sank his claws into my innocent skin? Did you even ask when I came back to the cave with blood running down my legs-" Her jaw might have popped from the grinding of her teeth if Dick and Jason hadn't cut her off.

"What the actually fuck, Bruce!" Jason.

"What the hell!" Dick.

"I didn't know," Bruce said hanging his head and shoving his fingers into his hair.

"You didn't fucking ask. Why the hell else would I have come back looking the way I did, did you even notice I was gone?"

"I-"

"I don't care," she interrupted with an eye roll, shaking the boys off her to try and leave the room. Tim was faster and blocked her path but she knew he would cave, they would all give her alone time after the bombshell she'd just dropped. She tried not to smirk when Bruce moved to follow her and both Dick and Jason stood in his way.

"So not only did you fail to stop a kid from being murdered, you failed to tell me he was even dead until after his funeral, and you failed to protect her."

"I hate you," Jason said and they all knew he meant it. The guilt was back, clawing at her insides and making bile rise to her throat. They'd been mending their relationship and she just turned Jason on Bruce without thinking.

"I'm sorry," he tried.

"We don't care," Tim spoke for all of them stepping aside to let her through. She hurried to leave before they changed their mind but stopped short with a soft 'shit' when she nearly ran into Damian.

"You heard it all didn't you?"

"Father's an idiot."

"I'm sorry you had to hear that."

"Tt, I'm sorry you had to go through that, my beloved." (he calls her that cuz she's his favorite and acts almost as a mother figure)

"You mind telling Alfred not to set my place?"

"Of course."

Thank God, he didn't insist on following her. With a quick hug and hair ruffle she sent him off and nearly sprinted to her room, her trained feet not making a sound on the polished wood. They hadn't taken any of her blades yet so she had her pick for one last hurrah before they found her. With what could only be described as a quiet evil laugh she selected a simple pocket knife and skipped to her en suit locking the door behind her. her shorts were off in a flash and she had four quick and clean cuts in no time, the sting was ok but not enough to ease the guilt from blabbing her big mouth so she did a few more. The feeling didn't ease and her chest only got tighter in panic of being found so she cleaned and bandaged them then sank to her knees in front of the toilet. Pressing on her stomach right where her ribs met she was able to bring up her food without shoving her fingers down her throat. When nothing but foam came up and her eyes stung from tears she rose to clean up.

"Y/n, you have two second before I kick in the door," Jason warned. Well shit.

9-24-24

[carrionhearted]

“homebound” You went to a whole different country for an expo not even a month ago.

Do you even know what you’re talking about

Do you understand how insane this is to say to someone? To go up to a dynamically/ invisibly disabled person and go “well you went to a con once so you’re not really that sick”.

If you are talking about the expo I attended which was 1) in my country, 2) in my province, and 3) near my city… you have no clue how that went. I’ve said it before, I don’t like talking about my health because it is a sore subject and is not fun to recount. When I attended that expo, I went with friends. You can ask any of them about this. I spent half of it sitting on the con floor alone while everyone else perused the booths, because if I tried to get up and go with them, I’d be prone to passing out and destroying merchandise. I struggled through the whole event, and was barely mentally present because the pain/ discomfort was too overwhelming to enjoy what should’ve been a fun experience. The chest pains and tachycardia and the inability to so much as breathe is fucking unbearable, I got home that night and the toll it all took on my body was so bad that my mother thought we should go to the ER. I stayed home and cried because I’d been looking forward to the expo for so long, and I barely skimmed through it before my body started failing on me and I had to leave my friends and sit down. Our group had another stop planned in the area, but I couldn’t walk over to the next place, and we ended up having to just go straight home. Do you know how shameful that feels? To be the reason your friends can’t do fun things? Because you cant walk around a flat convention floor without your heart rate spiking into the 150+ and your body tapping out on you? Because you cant go a DAY without random body pains that make movement hell?

You have no clue. You do not know me.

You are disturbingly ignorant. Get a fucking grip. You cannot say things like this to real people who you do not know, I am a human with feelings. This is beyond triggering, it is disgusting. How is this even a topic of conversation, you have strayed *so far* from your original advocacy campaign that you’re now shooting strays at an uninvolved party and harassing them with revolting ableist bullshit for… entertainment? I hope? If you think this behaviour is genuinely okay, you need help.

Jfc. I can barely get up to make art anymore. I want to so badly, but I can’t. I’ve lost the ability to go on actual hikes, I’m not allowed to anymore, because it is medically dangerous to be out there on my own. Being in the forest is the one thing I live to do, and I’m trapped inside withering alone. Imagine not being able to engage with your special interests because your body just can’t do it anymore. Imagine hearing what you just said in that position. Exercise some human empathy. I do not need this. I deserve to have a fucking life. I deserve to participate in society even if I’m disabled. You need to get off of the internet and go feel shame.

[forsakendevil]

AAAAAAA fucking PoTS flare. Got my heart rate up 150 just by standing. It’s an oof sort of time. 110 sitting does feel good either. Idk anymore I cannot manage this condition.

[thatseventiesbitch]

My That ‘90s Show Review: The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly

Alright, a few days (and rewatches) in, and I’m finally ready to give my thoughts on That ‘90s Show - a show I waited on for two years (but really, more like 17 years). Buckle in for a looooong essay, lol.

I give That ‘90s Show a solid 4 out of 5 stars. I’ll do my best to explain my rating below.

The Good

The Eric-and-Donna of it all. Well - this is an Eric & Donna blog above all else, so of course we were watching first and foremost to see our OTP reunited onscreen after 15 years! And we were not disappointed by what we found. 💗😭

Eric and Donna are happily married in 1995, and navigating the perils of parenting a teenager (shudder). They’re still just as in-love as ever, but now in their mid (late??) 30′s and acting like they’ve been married for 150 years. I guess they have been together since they were 4 🤣.

One thing I think the show really got right is Eric-and-Donna-as-parents. That went exactly as I could’ve predicted. Eric is Kitty to his daughter, well-intentioned but overbearing - and Donna sets boundaries with Leia (like her parents didn’t with her) but is also there to reel Eric in and to remind him of the important stuff: to trust their kid, to let her have her own experiences, to help teach her to take (smart!) risks. I adored that we got to see them “in action” as a parenting team, I loved when Donna went out to check on him and they talked through his fears about Leia growing up and not needing him anymore, I loved seeing how Eric is clearly worried he’s going to become his father (but it’s so clear that he’s so not)... I just loved it all.

Specific shout out to Donna-as-a-mom, which I never knew I needed in my life so much until I saw it! Her running into the Forman’s living room, screaming that she got Leia condoms, jellies, and the uglies underwear she could find... 🤣 Hysterical, and also felt so true to character. That’s exactly how I saw Donna parenting a teenager.

The Red-and-Kitty of it all. Red and Kitty are a joy. Seeing them as grandparents - and as a still-happy couple, enjoying their retirement (or not-so-retirement?) -was the other high point of the series for me.

Red and Kitty are still happy and in love. I never doubted they would be, but it was just heartwarming to see. I also loved their interactions with other characters, like seeing Bob and Fez come back (!!) and the introduction of Sherri, who very much feels like pseudo-daughter for them.

Red as a grandparent was everything I wanted it to be. Him calling Leia “kiddo” - my heart 💗. We kind of got glimpses that he was excited to become a grandparent on the show - like Eric and Donna’s pregnancy scare in season 6 - and I think now we see why. Red knows being a grandpa is where it’s at! He’s done with all the hard parts of being a father, being the ‘bad cop’, and just gets to enjoy and be the fun one! I am picturing him doing this Leia’s whole life lmao... like Eric and Donna sent her over for an afternoon and she comes home hopped up on sugar and Red’s like, “Sorry, she wanted it all and I couldn’t say no. Oh, getting her to bed tonight? I don’t know, not my problem!” Or like, he always gets her the noisiest gifts for Christmas. Kitty as a grandparent was also very sweet - her and Leia making up the pasta names is what immediately comes to mind 😂. Their “good cop” and “bad cop” dynamic has definitely shifted with the grandkid, and I could have predicted that (but it is fun to see!!).

Leia Forman. I adore Leia. I saw someone online say she’s the rare case of two great characters not having a super annoying kid, and I thought yep, spot on. Reboots are always a tricky beast, casting the kid of two beloved characters even more so, but this one worked out.

Leia is funny, endearing, smart, and I see a lot of shades of both Eric and Donna in her but also plenty that sets her apart as her own character. Her storyline about being a coddled, sheltered kid looking to break free and have some adventure worked for me, and I would love to get the chance to see how Leia continues to evolve as she gets older and spends more summers in Point Place.

Gwen and Leia, aka Geia. This is my ship! I really love Gwen and Leia together, and want them to fall in love (cackles in *fanfic author*). But I want it to be a slow-burn, where they realize they’ve fallen for each other, ‘accidentally’, over time. Falling for your best friend... who lives next door... hmmm, wonder why I like this pairing so much...? 😉🤣🥰

Pure nostalgia. The basement. The Hub. The Vista Cruiser. Fenton. Leo. I wanted nostalgia, dammit, and the show delivered. I will even (tentatively) put a few ‘90s references in this column, like hearing ‘Shoop’, ‘I’ll Make Love to You’, and ‘You Outta Know’ and seeing a few other 90s things that reminded me of my childhood, like Free Willy and snap bracelets. 

The humor. I went into the show with low expectations, specifically in this department. I was worried the humor would feel ‘off’, or would feel cheesy, or just not funny to me. There were definitely a few jokes that didn’t land (aren’t there always?), but over all I am happy to put the show’s humor in the ‘win’ column! I laughed out loud - a lot. I could tell that the same writers/showrunners were involved - it felt like similar humor from the original series. I think I enjoyed so much partly because I just love these characters, but many of the new characters had me in stitches too. Ozzie and Sherri in particular.

Sherri. Speaking of Sherri, she was my favorite of the new characters. Obvious Laurie stand-in is obvious, and that’s sad/unfortunate, but once I can move beyond that I really enjoyed her. I liked that she was a well-meaning mom but she definitely needs Red and Kitty’s support and guidance - I look forward to seeing how their relationship will develop. I even thought Sherri’s storyline with Fez was funny. It leaves the door open for Wilmer to return.

The references back to the OG show. The split-screen moments. The extended 90210 daydream/fantasy sequence. The Circle. The screen change sequences (the one with Kitty and Leia in the beanie hats is my favorite!)

The Bad

The 10-episode format. To me the most glaring issue was the 10-episode format, which rendered the season far too short to develop any of the characters or plot-lines they’d set up to satisfaction. Now, in fairness, maybe this is just the order they got for season 1. If they are successful, perhaps a longer order can be made for season 2. But also - maybe not. A lot of Netflix shows are consistently 10-episodes only these days.

But That ‘90s Show had less than half the episodes That ‘70s Show had in its first season to develop character and interesting conflict - and it shows. I like where they were going with everything, but storylines often felt rushed or like a lot of jumping around had happened from one episode to the next (For instance, I thought the Leia-and-Jay dating story went really fast. One minute they were all will-they-won’t-they, Leia’s never kissed a boy, and then BAM they’re together, calling each other babe, and she’s sneaking him up into her room for make-out sessions. Whoa!). The characters felt underdeveloped, too, or like we only knew one thing about them - because we didn’t have time to learn more.

So I know this is unlikely to change, but my biggest gripe is that there wasn’t enough runtime. You have an interesting premise here, you’ve sucked me in. Now properly develop it.

The focus on romantic relationships. Related, the focus on Leia’s romantic relationships was not my favorite aspect. I actually liked how they started the thing with her and Jay - Jay’s a playboy, but he’s not being one with her. They should’ve developed that out through all ten episodes, and had him just give her her first kiss in like, episode 9 or 10. The twist with Nate at the end is kind of interesting and could still happen (but as it is, it comes out of left field... which, now that I think about it, is how Leia felt about it too, I guess).

Regardless, I am neither team-Jay or team-Nate. I didn’t think either couple like, blew me away with their chemistry (although I don’t think we’re meant to feel that way yet, as viewers). My favorite parts of the season were seeing Leia’s friendships blossom, with Gwen and with Ozzie mostly. I’d have liked this season to be more focused on that - and maybe she stumbles into her first kiss along the way by the end of the season, anyway, and there’s still a romantic cliff-hanger.

The timeline inconsistencies (and others). There were several - the most notable being the timeline around Jackie-Kelso getting back together and Jay’s existence, and Eric’s age (38? He was born in 1960 so he and Donna would be 35 in 1995) - and while I am disappointed, I am not surprised. 

These are the same showrunners who gave us 3 different birthdays for Eric during the run of the show. The same people who gave us 3 different stories about how/when Eric and Donna met for the first time. The same people who gave Donna 2 sisters and then - poof - magically wrote them off (including in That ‘90s Show lol - “There’s only one girl in the world with Bob as her dad, and Eric had to pick her!”). The same showrunners who had Hyde turn 18 two seasons before Eric. The same - you know what, I’m going to stop myself. The point is, this shit is nothing new. That ‘70s Show fans are used to setting their non-sensical mistakes aside and enjoying the show anyway. Their inattention to detail officially goes in the ‘Bad’ column, though. It’s frustrating.

Jackie and Kelso endgame. Well, this ended up being exactly as it was leaked to be, and Jackie and Kelso were on their second remarriage. I do not mind Jackie and Kelso together and do frankly find it realistic, but this isn’t the happiest ending for Ms. Jackie Burkhart. I thought their scene was pretty funny (we did get a “Damn, Jackie!”), albeit brief, but I had higher hopes for the state of their relationship based on some recent promo materials. I also wished we’d seen (1) Jackie, Kelso and Jay interact as a family, (2) Learned what Jackie and Kelso do for a living/a little bit of backstory as to how they ended up back in Point Place.

No on-screen character reunion. I am bummed that Eric and Donna didn’t interact with the Kelso’s - or with Fez! (I guess Donna did, briefly) Seeing this picture makes me want to see it so, so badly in season 2! I think we’re all curious as to what Eric and Donna’s relationship is like with Jackie and Kelso these days.

The Ugly

Hyde’s absence. I think any long-time fan of the show felt Hyde’s absence, and wondered about the character’s ending. The character’s ending is: totally open-ended, since he was not mentioned at all. Although it was painful to feel his absence, I preferred this to giving him an ending like prison or death, which would have felt like a fuck you to the actor but not fair to the character of Steven Hyde. Mostly because it allows us to fill in our own ending for him. I’m going to say that he finally moved to New York, and he’s happy out there. He keeps in contact with Eric and Donna still. 😊

A few side-notes: One, I have a feeling most of the OG cast actually supports Danny Masterson, so... yeah. Do with that sinking feeling in your heart what you will. But I doubt they will write him off in a mean way for that reason.

Two, I think they were in between a rock and a hard place with this. Honestly, if they’d written Hyde in, in any way, I’d feel squicky about it. Even an off-screen mention. But long-live the fan fiction, am I right?? I’ve already started to see some popping up 👀

Kitty’s moment. Kitty had a moment where I clapped my hand over my mouth (even though I literally knew it was coming), and that was when she called Leia, “That lying little bitch,” when Ozzie told her they were at a rave. It was very shocking, and very un-Kitty-like. Did not like.

(That said, I am not one who uses labels like out-of-character in a context like this. It’s not my character - it’s Debra Jo’s and the showrunners’. It’s a part of her character I didn’t like. And that’s okay. She was in a moment of huge stress, probably suddenly worried sick about her granddaughter. I have certainly had bad reactions to stress, too. As my girl Brene Brown says, “People get scary when they’re scared.”)

Overview

So, I mean... I have largely good things to say about That ‘90s Show, and it was a tall order man, because That ‘70s Show is my baby. And ain’t nobody finna touch my baby!!!

Was it perfect? No. Some of the little things were off, but it felt like overall, the big things were on. And that’s what’s important. I also feel invested enough in the new kids (definitely in Leia), and I think they have a lot of different directions they can take the rest of the series. So 4 out of 5 stars, and when can I expect a season 2 announcement, Netflix??? 😆

[rhizomehaunt]

personal

it is so fucking hard to reckon with my own internalized ableism and also grief that i cannot physically do things like be on the ground anymore. in 2020 I was sick but didn't realize the extent of it and was out weekly and organizing with friends and able to participate in direct action multiple times a week and still able to recover and handle my responsibilities, and my body just cannot do that anymore. i walk 20 minutes and have to lay down for the rest of the day and then am out of it physically/mentally for the next few days, not just in a "i'm tired" but "i cannot actually do anything nor manage tasks like making dinner, finishing work, comprehending anything I'm reading, etc". i've been taking advil multiple times a week and sometimes daily in really bad stretches for like a decade just to manage pain (i know it is bad for me and i know it's probably causing problems and also it is that or being bedridden from pain 50-75% of the time). most days i can't read because i just cognitively can't comprehend anything. i am never not in pain or fatigued and even the slightest thing causes PEM. sometimes I can't sleep bc my heart rate is so fast just even laying down bc I had like, a carbohydrate. even as i'm writing this my jaw and neck and shoulders are aching and i have a horrific headache i've been ignoring but they're only at a 5/10 pain level instead of like 8-10/10 so i'm used to it and still trying to finish work bc it's so hard for me to manage my day job I have to work through the weekends to catch up. i genuinely barely leave my home because i just cannot manage anything even with my cane. and i know these things and still i think i should just be able to push past them/push through them, and i cannot and every time i do, i get sicker and stay sicker longer. and i know this logically but emotionally it just feels like an excuse, like half of the time i have to remind myself i am chronically ill and disabled bc my own internalized ableism is like, bitch you are probably fine and just lying to yourself, when like, my heart rate jumps to 150 sometimes just throwing a spring toy for my cat and most of my day is spent sitting or lying down because being upright is too hard. sometimes 15 minutes of a gentle stretching is enough to make me so dizzy I gotta lay down for a few hours. sometimes I have to have my partner sit in the bathroom while I shower to make sure I don't fall over or pass out. I start to black out sometimes just sitting up. it's so hard to reckon with what I can do now because I'm so limited physically and so hard because half the time i am afraid i am just making it up and i should/could just push through. i miss my body and life before being sick i miss what i could do i miss who i was.

[athletearrhythmia]

Biking just... doesn't challenge my heart anymore?

Finally had some time today so I took a lil too much pre-workout, put on the stemo and hopped on the bike intending to max out my heart rate. I could barely get over 150 even then. So I added poppers to the mix *while sprinting* and barely broke 160.

Biking will always be a staple, especially to keep my heart nice and thick and contractile, but what frequent high intensity running has done to my heart is just... wow

[lilithravencroft]

For the first time I ended up in the hospital with alcohol withdrawals and I just know it’s time for this to be over. It’s like saying goodbye to someone I love very much but someone who hurts me every day. I’m so scared to do it but I’m scared to keep going too. I can’t do that again. I can’t have my heart rate in the 150s, being pumped full of Ativan and Valium until they feel comfortable letting me leave. I can’t be drunk around the people I love anymore. I can’t wake up with my head hurting because I’ve hit it on something again, not remembering what I hit it on. I just…can’t. Can’t have another doctor telling me this is going to kill me one day. Can’t miss work because I’d rather drink myself to sleep at 11:00 AM. I don’t know how to fix any of this but I’m going to try. I want to hit 22 years sober. I want to hit 30 days. I want to hit a week. Hell, I want to hit one day.

[theboardwalkbody]

Me: Telling my doctor that I've actually been going to the gym and working out and that on average my heart rate is into the 150/160s while doing a brisk walk/incline and if I push myself to try jogging, even for a few seconds, I'll hit 180/190+.

My doctor, looking at me like I am a freak:... And do you feel like you're going to pass out?

Me: Not in the 150/160 range. When it hits 180+ I feel like I am going to drop dead so I stop.

My doctor: yeah ... Don't do that. I know when my heart rate hits the 140s I start feeling it. You're likely just not used to the activity.

Me, (thinking to myself about the vitals the nurse grabbed on my way in to the room): I walked in here at 120 lol

I think 150 doesn't phase me anymore because with normal activities I hit 120/130 😅

[god-sent-gender-bent]

This. I ended up getting hypovolemic POTS (body no make enough blood anymore because virus attack bone marrow where blood get made.) because of getting COVID in 2020 before we had a vaccine and before we really knew it had reached the US

(because I'm cool an quirky 🤪 (it was actually because my friends worked in and international airport and their dad flew back and forth to China. I stayed the night late December and we ate together and tried each other's drinks... lots of platonic spit swappin. They were horrendously ill about a week before me.

When we went to the ER for my symptoms they ran every test they had, came up with nothing, sealed off my room, and came in with full PPE. I hadn't paid any attention to the news (because it was January) so I didn't know about COVID. They said I probably had the flu and they told me just to stay home. Wahoo.)

But it ruined my life for two years. I was already heavier due to a medication side effect and prone to respiratory issues. This wrecked my shit. And for TWO YEARS I had doctors telling me I needed to exercise, eat right, and just "take care of myself better." When I stood up my heart rate was 150. Just standing. I had to crawl up my stairs or it would shoot to 190. My body couldn't regulate its temperature anymore. I'd overheat. I'd pass out, throw up. All I wanted was junk food (which I now know was my body craving salt because that's CRUCIAL in POTS patients.) and I was so bed ridden I had to use a cane everywhere and ended up creating a dent in my bed because after every 5 hr shift at work I had to lay down the rest of the day/night. But I was supposed to just get up and active. "Just get your heart pumping! You want somewhere around 150 bpm for cardiovascular endurance and training."

IT DOES THAT EVERY TIME I STAND UP, DEBORAH.

It was miserable being told everything was my fault. Then I saw a TikTok about POTS, told my doctor, showed them my "party trick" ("hey when I stand up I go boom." *Collapses*) and thank God she listened to me because I got in with a cardio, did my tests and my cardio was like "Hey bestie how have you been functioning all this time???" And I was like "Oh it's simple... I haven't. :) hope that clears things up."

I'm on medication now, keep my salt intake high, and started on medical keto and I'm doing okay now. (Carbs take too much energy and blood flow to process. My heart rate would go from 60 to 125 after eating a bowl of spaghetti. When too much blood is in your digestive system, there's not enough for brain, so heart tries to pump faster to get it to the brain, but there's not enough to go around so heart is desperately trying to balance everything. ) Keto saved my life in that regard. It's not for everyone, PLEASE talk to a doctor before starting it.

But yeah. It's totally ass that doctors have to have something bad happen to them or their family for them to realize that their patients aren't just lazy fatties who aren't trying hard enough. Empathy is basically dead in the medical field and it sucks.

The only good thing about long COVID is that it made the medical community admit myalgic encephalomyelitis is likely caused my viral exposure. We were like “Hey, I had a virus and just never got better.” and doctors were like “That’s silly. And stupid. Chronic fatigue syndrome is just a random vague constellation of symptoms. Or just depression. It’s all in your head.” and now doctors are experiencing it.

[edanjoygelt]

Edan Gelt is Back | Navigating Aging Fitness and Wellness with Grace

In the distant past of 2017, I embarked on a challenge that saw me sweating through 30 unique workouts in 30 days, all while diligently chronicling my fitness journey on a blog. The motivation behind this endeavor was twofold: to test my physical limits and to generate content for a fledgling fitness app that had me hooked on the thrill of the challenge.

Fast forward six years, and that blog page still exists, patiently waiting for fresh content. Why, you ask? Well, because fitness has become an inseparable part of my daily routine, and as I approach the big 5-0 in a few short years, it's more than just a workout—it's my mental and physical sanctuary.

My weeks are peppered with bike rides, covering up to 60 miles, weather permitting (and my neck cooperating), and bootcamp classes at the local gym a few days each week. Yet, something interesting has happened over the years. I've evolved into what I like to call the "modifier." You see, I used to look at those individuals who modified exercises during workouts and wondered if I could avoid going down that road. Spoiler alert: I couldn't. Now, lunges and squats tend to leave me with a knee the size of a grapefruit for the following week, my shoulder occasionally stages a protest, and every so often, I find myself pulling something I didn't even know I had.

While it might be a sign that high-intensity bootcamp sessions may not be the ideal fit for my body anymore, I'm not ready to throw in the towel just yet. In fact, this year, I'm pursuing certification as a personal trainer. My passion for exercise has evolved into a desire to help other women who, like me, are gracefully navigating the seas of aging. While it won't be my full-time profession, I foresee my newfound skill set as a delightful hobby.

Now, let's get down to brass tacks. Exercising as you gracefully age is a bit like a well-choreographed dance—one that requires careful attention to avoid stepping on your own toes. Here are some tips I live by, and I hope they serve you well on your fitness journey:

1. Consult Your Healthcare Provider: Always, and I mean always, consult with your healthcare provider before diving headfirst into a new exercise routine, especially if you have any pre-existing medical conditions or lingering concerns. Their insights are invaluable.

2. Baby Steps: If you've been somewhat inactive lately, start with gentle exercises and work your way up gradually. No need to rush; your body will thank you for the patience.

3. Warm-Up and Cool Down: Just like a fine wine, your muscles need a warm-up to get the juices flowing before you dive into the workout. Likewise, cool down to gracefully ease your heart rate back to normal and prevent those post-workout stiffness surprises.

4. Balance and Flexibility: These are your new best friends. Embrace exercises like yoga, tai chi, or balance training to boost stability and reduce the odds of unplanned acrobatics.

5. Strength Matters: Maintaining muscle mass and bone density should be a priority. Use light weights, resistance bands, or your own body weight to sculpt those muscles. Start gently, and let the resistance grow as you do.

6. Cardiovascular Love: Show your heart some love with aerobic activities such as walking, swimming, or cycling. Shoot for at least 150 minutes of moderate-intensity cardio each week.

7. Listen to Your Body: Your body is a wise sage. Pay close attention to its signals during and after exercise. If you experience pain, dizziness, or shortness of breath, don't be a hero—stop and seek advice as needed.

8. Stay Hydrated: Hydration is your secret weapon. Drink water before, during, and after workouts to keep your body in top form.

9. Form Matters: Learning the right form is like learning the steps to an intricate dance routine. It's crucial to prevent strain or injury. Consider working with a certified fitness trainer who can be your dance partner.

10. Mix It Up: Variety is the spice of life. Keep your routine fresh and exciting by incorporating different types of exercises to engage various muscle groups. Your body will thank you for the entertainment.

11. Joint Care: As you age, your joints can become a tad finicky. Be mindful of any joint discomfort, and adjust your exercises accordingly. Low-impact activities like swimming or stationary biking are often joint-friendly alternatives.

12. Stretch it Out: Embrace the art of stretching to maintain or enhance your flexibility. Stretch both before and after your workouts to ensure your body moves like a well-oiled machine.

13. Rest and Recovery: Your body isn't a perpetual motion machine. Give it the rest and recovery it deserves between workouts. Overtraining can lead to injuries and burnout, and nobody wants that.

14. Footwear Wisdom: Proper shoes are like your trusty dance shoes. They provide support and stability, reducing the chances of embarrassing slips and falls. So, choose wisely.

15. Stay Informed: Lastly, stay in the loop. Keep abreast of the latest exercise recommendations for the gracefully aging. New research and guidelines can be the North Star on your fitness journey.

In conclusion, aging gracefully doesn't mean giving up on exercise; it means embracing it in a smart and tailored way. Your fitness journey is unique, just like you. So, take these tips, put on your workout shoes, and let's continue dancing through the beautiful symphony of life.

[shotdemari]

My heart is beating a lot lately.

Sometimes he explodes from being overwhelmed.

Sometimes he explodes with fear.

Sometimes he explodes with anxiety.

Sometimes it doesn't even let me continue.

My heart rate goes from 80 and up.

150 was the highest and most terrifying.

I felt like I was dying.

It hurts me a lot that I couldn't control it.

He tried to tell me something, as well as all my body.

But what difference does it make when you can't take it anymore?

What to do when the only thing you have doesn't even let you live in peace?

I continue with those questions.

How to control the uncontrollable?

If just drinking a glass of water, breathing and taking in air is no longer enough?

I just fall to pieces and my body falls with me, just like my tears now.

[jerzwriter]

Sound Asleep...

Book:                   Open Heart (Book 3 Timeline)

Pairing:                Ethan Ramsey x F!MC (Kaycee MacClennan)

Rating:                 Teen

Category:            Fluff – Hurt/Comfort

Summary:           Casey sneaks quietly into bed after a long day, but soon finds herself helping her boyfriend sleep the night through.

Words:                 958

A/N:                     This is from a request from the 150 Random Prompts List.  The prompt, “I’m never leaving… I promise,” is highlighted below. This was supposed to be under 500 words. I failed. lol

@choicesaugustchallenge Day 31 – It’s not exactly my favorite, but I do like it 😊 Water…

3:00 AM. 

Kaycee picked up the alarm clock next to Ethan’s bed and reset its normal wake-up time of 5:00 AM. An extra two hours of sleep was in order today. He’d forgive her this time. A soft breath escaped her as she gently ran her fingers through his wavy hair. God, she loved him. Turning off the light, she nuzzled up next to him. It never got old, and she’d never take it for granted. And maybe, just maybe tonight, she convinced him of that a little bit more.

~~~~~ 

Two hours earlier:

She pushed their bedroom door open as quietly as possible, smiling when she saw he was asleep. Today marked two months since she officially moved in. A monumental move for Dr. Ethan Ramsey, and they were still getting used to it. For example, she learned he was a much lighter sleeper than her previous roommates. Considering he liked to get up at the ghastly hour of five AM, she did her best to let him sleep, even if he told her that he didn’t mind being wakened by her.

After a quick shower, she threw on his old, faded Hopkins t-shirt, now her favorite new nightshirt, and slipped under the covers next to him. She knew sleep would come quickly. It had been an excruciatingly difficult day at the hospital. Some of the patients they saw had issues that hit far too close to home; she couldn’t wait to sleep it all off, and within minutes her wish was granted. 

She thought she was dreaming when she felt the thrashing beside her, but the piercing noise that followed woke her from her slumber. This was no dream, at least not for her.

“Ethan,” she pleaded. “Ethan, wake up. It’s a dream, baby. It’s just a bad dream.”

Gasping, his eyes jolted open, closing again quickly with a sigh of relief.

“You’re here,” he whispered with a raspy voice. “Thank God you’re here.”

Rubbing his head, she gave him a reassuring smile that worked more wonders than she’d ever know.

“Where else would I be? You did ask me to move in with you, remember,” she teased. “Any regrets, Dr. Ramsey.”

His irritated glance and twisted lips sent her into a fit of giggles. Regrets? His only regret was that he hadn’t done it sooner.

“I dreamt you were gone,” he muttered.

“Gone? Gone where?”

“I don’t know,” he sighed as she felt his heart race under her hand placed gently upon his chest. “I dreamt that I came into the bedroom, and I knew you weren’t here anymore. I started looking for you in every room, but you were just….”

She waited patiently as his words hung, stroking his chest gently to assure him she was near.

“I can’t lose you, Kaycee. I just can’t.”

“You’re not going to lose me,” she said, rolling onto her side to face him. “I’m never leaving… I promise.”

“Promise, promise?”

Lifting up her hand, she offered him her pinky. “Promise, promise. And it’s a pinky swear, so you know that’s binding.”

“It’s practically a marriage contract in some cultures,” he laughed.

“Oh, take it easy, Ethan. Using words like marriage might make cause another nightmare.”

“Nah,” he smiled, pulling her close, “they’re not so scary since you came along.”

They lay together, enjoying the simplicity of the moment. The utter silence rarely found in their busy lives; the gentle breeze blowing in from the opened window; the feel of their skin touching as they rested upon each other. These simple moments were the most beautiful gift they could offer each other.

Finally, Ethan broke the silence. “You don’t mind, do you?”

“Mind what?” she asked.

“Me. Having these nightmares on occasion, it’s just….”

“It’s just that you almost lost me this year, then your mother came back into your life, and today we took care of little Joshua….”

“How is he? Did child protective services….”

Seeing his anxiety surfacing again, she touched his lips gently. “He’s fine. His grandparents were located and came to the hospital while I was there. They were so relieved to see him, and vice versa. He’s not alone.”

“Oh, thank God,” he sighed, his body visibly relaxing at her words.

“And neither are you,” she smiled. “With all this going on, it’s no wonder you had a nightmare. But I’m here, and hey, I have nightmares too. Does it bother you?”

“Of course not,” he startled. “You’ve been through hell recently, and….”

“…. And so have you. So, we both play superhero doctors by day and borderline basket cases at night,” she grinned.

“But we’re sexy borderline basket cases,” he laughed.

“We most certainly are,” she smiled. 

Caressing her cheek, he gazed into her eyes.

“If I ever stop showing you how much you mean to me, how glad I am that you’re here. You’ll let me know, right?”

“Ethan, I’m from Philly. You get one warning, then Ipush you off the balcony.”

“I wouldn’t put it past you,” he chuckled.

“Come on,” she said, rolling over to turn off the light. “You need your rest.”

“As do you.”

“I’m just going to go and get some water. Would you like some?”

“Sure, I’d love some.”

After a tender kiss, Kaycee departed, returning just moments later.

“I didn’t put ice in your glass. I didn’t think you’d mind at….” her words halted when she saw him fast asleep.

2:55 AM. She placed his water on his night table, then scurried to her side of the bed. 

“We’re going to be tired tomorrow, sleepyhead,” she whispered, “but I can fix that too.”

After resetting the alarm clock, she nuzzled up beside him. 

“I love you, Ethan,” she whispered as she drifted to sleep.

Permatags: @a-crepusculo @aishwarya26 @animesuck3rr @annfg8 @annoyingmillenialnewbie @bex-la-get @binny1985 @bluebelle08 @bluerosesbloom @cariantha @coffeeheartaddict2 @crazy-loca-blog @danijimenezv @differenttyphoonwerewolf @dorisz @fayeswiftie @forallthatitsworth @genevievemd @inlocusmadss @jamespotterthefirst @jennieausten @kingliam2019 @liaromancewriter @lilypills @lucy-268 @mainstreetreader @mysticalgalaxysstuff @ofmischiefandmedicine @onikalover @peonierose @peonyblossom @potionsprefect @quixoticdreamer16 @rookiemartin @schnitzelbutterfingers @secretaryunpaid @socalwriterbee @tessa-liam @toadfrog26 @trappedinfanfiction @uneravine @youlookappropriate @zahrachoices @jerzwriter2

Perma Fics Only: @txemrn @spookycolorpeanut

@choicesficwriterscreations @openheartfanfics

[banstyle]

hey just wanted to say i had the worst psychotic episode in a while last night and i took literally like 5mg of this really shitty generic brand adderall that the pharmacy had instead of the usual stuff and it made my resting heart rate 150 bpm. and made me nauseous and crampy and tight throat and tingly numb hands and feet and really lightheaded and dizzy and headached like what the fuck is in this shit this brand is selling rat poison. anyway i've come down and now i'm back to being mentally ill but i don't feel like i'm having cadiac arrest or anaphylaxis anymore at least