#but my friends (irls) are not making it easier on me by ghosting me

[shortnsweetgf]

.

[anulithots]

The general feeling of... not jealousy, almost longing, but more so appreciation because you're a reader, used to reading and loving other's stories, used to being a ghost and being happy with it.

Everyone else has best friends they grew up with. I do not and maybe I never will. Being unable to socialize/initiate friendships on my own does not help. But like... seeing other people with their personalities and interacting with others and living their lives and knowing each other so well.... it's wonderous.

ANd maybe I'll never be able to have an irl conversation that's not difficult (with someone who's not my siblings) and that's okay because I'm used to it, even want it at some points because it makes my self-hatred easier.

But also... hmmm it would be nice if those sorts of things were comfortable... or if I could observe from further away while still being me enough to do such things.

(This is basically just me longing for a QPR and knowing I'm the older, friendly, awkward one in most of my friendships/life in general. I don't like being dissatisfied with things so I'm willing myself not to be but at the same time.... it would be NICE, you know?)

[afinepricklypear]

November 2024 - Update

Hello.

It’s been a while since I’ve put anything here. When last I was here, I was in a downward spiral, that much is clear. I tried to be reassuring and then I ghosted everyone. Which I know never feels good, whether it’s an IRL person or an online persona you only know through their words on a screen. I’m sorry. I’m alive.

I could say that the aftermath from Covid and the lockdowns hit me just as hard as everyone else and leave it at that, but that wouldn’t be entirely true. Things started down a dark path before that. Politics in my country were getting…weird. Now they’re just outright scary. I needed to make personal life decisions too, regarding career and finances. I hadn’t made any headway in original creative projects. I lacked discipline or motivation or confidence to pursue what had been my dream since the fifth grade: to be a creative writer.

Then right before Covid happened, my friend died. I got a text message from him on Christmas morning, 2019, that he was waiting for surgery. They’d found a tumor in his brain. He was on the other side of the country. I couldn’t go to him. And I couldn’t say good-bye. Especially not through text message. So I didn’t, instead I made sure that he was surrounded by family and friends, and I drank the entire night and overexaggerated how ‘okay’ I was doing, while telling no one close to me what was happening.

A couple weeks later he was gone. He was an amazing person. Beautiful, sweet, and kind. He found good in everyone, he treated everyone like a friend, and everyone that met him loved him because all he gave of himself was love. My Odasaku, if you will. And as if the world knew that it should be mourning his loss, it shut down.

This is about the time I started writing the Release series. I’m always surprised and happy to hear when people say it helped them through things, whether it got them through the pandemic or other struggles in their lives. I guess in retrospect, it was my own therapy. More an escape. A way to run away from everything awful and disappointing about my ‘real’ world. I threw myself into it more than any other fanfiction or fandom I’d been a part of. BSD was the first fandom I wrote for on AO3, before that I used FF.net. AO3 is structured in a way that allowed me to build relationships with readers. I started this Tumblr, trying to form some semblance of a community. I wanted to feel like this was different.

It worked, until it didn’t.

It’s not the first fanfic I’ve left unfinished. If I look at my body of work, over the years and years and years (over 20) I’ve been doing this, the stories came to me when I needed them. All at once, the words and emotions would surge up. I’d find a kindred spirit in the character or characters I wrote about. For months or a year or two, they might sit at the surface of my consciousness, pouring out of me, like an endless fountain. Only to dry up just as suddenly and without much warning. It wasn’t because I didn’t need them anymore. It was because the problems I was using them to run away from would finally catch up.

I’d get restless. I’d convince myself that my life isn’t going where I need it, I’m falling behind, so I’d scramble to catch up, try to rededicate myself towards a finish line, not even knowing where it was, which direction, or what that finish line would even be. I’d try to refocus on original works, because I want to be a writer. The thing they don’t tell you about fanfiction, however, is that it’s junk food for the creative soul. It’s easy and convenient to write for, because the heavy lifting of character creation and world building is already done. The more fanfiction I wrote, the more those vital skills for original story generation atrophied in me. On top of that, there’s a ready-built audience in fandoms, it’s so much easier to get readers and feedback, because people are showing up for the characters they love, not necessarily the writings of a fic’s author. These are characters I didn’t create and these are not my worlds. So, I’d start to think ‘what’s the point’ and would inevitably sink into a deep depression. I’d give up, because the mountain is hard to climb when starting at the bottom. Only for a new fanfiction idea to find me at my lowest, and the cycle would begin anew.

My friend was younger than me by a few years. He had a lot of dreams and passions of his own. He’d survived a stroke prior (and likely precursory) to the tumor and used it as a wake-up call to go back for his graduate degree and travel to new places. Still, those dreams were cut short. I don’t know what regrets he had when he passed but his loss brought forth my own mortality, and I know that my regrets are many. This time, as the story left me, I was determined not to make the same mistakes. I felt certain that I could break the cycle. However, looking back, I don’t know that any of the choices I made were the right ones because I opted to just give up. I made career choices that prioritized finances over personal satisfaction. I shut off all social media. I got medicated.

For the past two years I’ve been on antidepressants and a mood stabilizer (because just the antidepressant was bad, bad, bad). I have a long history of self-harm. I thought I’d gotten past it, but it came back hard, and I realized I never really stopped hurting myself. I finally let someone close to me know (my sister) which has been a mixed bag.

I’ve checked AO3 comments regularly over that time. If you left me feedback there, I saw it. I appreciated it. It made me feel loved and I truly, deeply thank you for it. My lack of response wasn’t because I was tired of the feedback, or that it wasn’t seen, it was because I felt guilty writing the same thing over and over again and having no meaningful updates on my life and my stories to offer. I also checked Tumblr irregularly. I always forget how to use it, so I didn’t really notice the number of questions that had filled my inbox. I found them all recently, thank you for those. I’m sorry I worried so many people. Everyone here is wonderful.

A couple months ago, I got this very sweet comment on Wake Up. Overall, harmless enough sentiments, but it stuck with me for days to weeks to now.

Reading the words “…I would love to read your new works…” hit me hardest. Because I had no new works. I hadn’t written anything since my last update on AO3. For the first time since I was ten years old, I had gone over five months without writing anything creative. I journaled, essentially just bitching about my day, and that’s it. I stopped making art, also. That’s when I stumbled into a realization. It seemed the medication worked in that it worked to numb me. I was more in a fog than anything, a zombie going about the day-to-day. Even at work, my boss expressed concerns that I was different. Quieter and less engaged, and while there are other variables here, like I hated my job and was frustrated with the people I worked with, I could trace most of it back to this one thing.

This comment left on Wake Up made me realize, therein is the trade-off for ‘peace of mind’. I feel less like hurting myself because I feel less, period. In trying to find stable ground, I cut myself off from the source of my stories. Maybe at the time, it made sense, because I was certain I’d never be a writer. That I’d always forsake my original work for what came easier, and that, ultimately, I’d never have anything worthwhile to offer the larger world that couldn’t already be found in existing IP. I wasn’t prepared for that reality to hurt this much.

There’ve been benefits to the two years away, too. It’s given me space to breathe and reflect on what matters. The irony, or cosmic poetry, of this comment appearing on a story titled Wake Up doesn’t escape me. I know this one thing now, it’s certain and stronger in me than ever, I don’t want to give up on being a writer. I have so many original ideas in me, stories I’ve wanted to write for so many decades, and characters I want to give a chance to be loved as much as those characters I’ve written fanfiction for. I have this small, odd little dream that maybe one day the worlds and characters I create will inspire fanfictions of their own.

I stopped the medication a few months ago and been readjusting to emotions, thoughts, the colors of the world that had been gray for two years. I’ve started writing an original story, using a middle ground approach to springboard off by basing the story around characters I created for a fanfiction I wrote roughly a decade ago (First Patrol, if anyone is curious, originally posted to FF.net and one of only two stories on my AO3 account that is not BSD). The characters I’m using are entirely my own except two that have morphed out of the fanfic’s original source material. It’s arguable that the character I wrote for from the fandom source was so underdeveloped in the show (my impetus for writing First Patrol in the first place), that what I created for him in that story was entirely my own to the point that version of him became mine. The world that I’m placing them is my own and is far removed from the world of that fandom. It’s an idea I’ve had sitting in my drive for almost eight years now.

I haven’t thought much about if and where I’d share this story. At the moment, I’m just focused on finishing something original and having fun with it. There’s a loose plot to it, at the moment, that I’m still trying to carve out as I go. I’ve considered posting its chapters in progress here. Maybe you’ll want to read them. Maybe your interest in my writing only goes as far as BSD or some other fandom I’ve been a part of that you found me through. Both are valid feelings. I’m not going to tell you what to think or feel about the shift in my writing direction. I’m not going to ask you to stick around. This is my journey, and you are not obligated to follow me on it. My only ask is that if I do post it here, that you not leave comments to it or about it asking for the fanfiction instead. Writing original work is hard enough without constantly being tempted by an easier and less fulfilling road and being told I was better off there.

There are other parts to my decision here, like the advent of AI Writing Tools and what I see in this technology as an impending set-back to human growth and imagination, and a hack-job to language, culture, and the arts, that I believe can only be opposed through a radical rebellion of creating with only my own humanness and human experiences away from and in spite of AI. My greatest concern is where and how I can share my work without it being stolen by the monster I’m trying to fight against.

As for the fanfictions that I’ve left unfinished. I don’t know if I’ll get back to them. I never like to call something abandoned, because that’s not how it works. First, I don’t abandon the story, in a way, I feel like it abandons me. But that’s not right either, because the story never does leave me. It hovers in the periphery of my mind, every now and then it flits back above the surface. Sometimes I can catch and hold it there long enough to add a few keystrokes to a chapter, then it dives away again.

In Wake Up, as with every fanfic I write, I know where Chuuya was supposed to end up, and Dazai, and the rest. I know the emotional beats that they were meant to experience along the way. I wrote parts of the end of Wake Up. I had the second to last chapter written. The beginning of the last chapter written, and I’ve mentally played through the scenes that were meant to happen countless times. There’s a complete 18th chapter that I’ve never posted. I’ve known of fanfic writers that showed up ten years later to pump out the last half of a story and wrap it up beautifully. I’ve even popped up after eight years to add new chapters to a fic, only to disappear again. I hate to say “it’s done and expect no more updates” because I don’t know what will happen in the future. I just know this is where I am now.

However, I don’t want to leave anyone with false hope either. There is one instance in my mind that I have managed to go back years later and finish an unfinished fic. One among dozens. It’s not impossible, but the chances aren’t high. Do with that what you will.

This is my update, as of November 2024.

[bluntforcespatter]

yeeeah i get that a bit more than i'd like to lol. 'm sorry it's like that for you tho /gen n yeah. it's def easier to just be some little electronic beastie than imagine myself to be properly tangible for anyone. i'm real like a digital pet or smthn, ig is my personal like...thoughts on it. ppl like those cuz they're cute, so they like me because i'm just a lil critter ywy. but if i'm more real and like....more than just words then like it becomes "what if i'm [neg thing here]" like i said, ik all of that's not entirely true, just kinda a ramble of like. getting it in my own ways lol, even if it might not be the most sensical way of putting it edtfbh n i get what you mean! i've watched/played/read stuff like that before. it's a weird sorta cathartic pain, so it's nice in a way. it sounds really good :3 thank you ywy hopefully yours does too. no problem o7 i get it n i'm glad it helps a bit for me to ramble n stuff ywy i always worry it's a bit much or annoying or w/e, so it's nice to hear [read?] that it's actualy helpful gtrfh - 📺

ah, thank you (ᵕ—ᴗ—) all we can do is our best, though, so... i am trying? ¯\_(ᵕ—ᴗ—)_/¯

and SO TRUE !! i spent my childhood online. like i was on forums and shit when i was 6 ( ꩜ ᯅ ꩜;) i was in a very very bad situation and escaping onto the internet made me feel better. i could pretend not to be from my home there. but so many years spent on the internet without anything in real life that was good really made me worse in a lot of ways - like ... the internet was the only place people ever listened to me, let alone interacting with me out of choice. in my home, i wasn't treated as a person. my parents didn't even really use my name, the name they gave me, until i was older. but online people would say "hi ghost! how was your day?" and it made me feel real. but now i feel more real online than offline... and if i am real IRL, then that means all the bad stuff that happened to me IRL did happen. so i just sort of mentally shut it all down and i wish i wasn't this way but my brain is protecting itself or something. that's what i'm told anyways.

i miss quotev i practically lived there. most of my system THRIVED there, with the RP groups we could pretend to be in character and then just be ourselves, people would address us as ourselves and it was so affirming and it felt amazing to finally exist and matter to someone. we have an alter who is basically all digital, so we often see ourselves like a little sprite traveling through 0s and 1s and pixels out into the wide web !! it's fun but sometimes very lonely.

so i totally get what you're saying. if you were a tamagotchi i would put you on a keychain and take you out and about !! digital friends ٩(◕‿◕｡)۶

cathartic pain !! yes !!! it's nice to remind yourself that it hurts - remind yourself you're still here, you still are feeling and alive, you did experience things that you carry around with you... i am very dissociative unfortunately so i relish anything that makes me feel again. most of the time i feel like a fuzzy static CRT TV...

and thank you (o^▽^o) im going to try to have a good evening. i think i can do it. im going home today (was at my roommates mum's to visit, she gets lonely) and im excited to go home and relax !! you're certainly not being too much or annoying. i only get annoyed by actually irritating things. like frustration at ignorance or injustice... i am always yelling on my blog that anyone can come yap anytime about anything because i like to listen. a pain shared is half a burden, a happiness shared is twice the joy !! (* ^ ω ^) hopefully you make time today to do something self indulgent . it's important to take time to do stuff that feeds your soul . or whatever that sounds cheesy but i hope you know what i mean !!!

[elizarivers]

vent 👍

i hate everyone in my classes. i hate them so much and i just hope my teachers like me at least a little bit- im so fucking sick of not having any friends to text or call or anything except for a friend i have online but she’s a manipulative asshole and honestly she’s probably one of the reasons im so fucked up in the head and always think im not good enough or im annoying or something- like i was talking about how i got into my schools highest level chorus which is really hard to do as a freshman and she just said “can you stop?? you’re being annoying” and then recently she ghosted me and blocked me for a month cause her mom went to jail or something and it’s so fucked up that she makes me so happy cause she also makes me so fucking sad and upset with myself- she just makes me constantly feel like everything would be better if i wasn’t here which is probably true anyways but whatever- i just wish i was blonde or fit in in some way at least- but no, i have red hair, im almost six foot and im not skinny- im so sick of it and just being here in general and i feel terrible cause a little part of me feels like some people would miss me but 🤷‍♀️- i just don’t know what to do anymore- i don’t have anything to do anymore- there’s just this constant feeling of ennui and i hate it cause i can’t do anything about it cause my anxiety is so bad that even if i do plan something i end up backing out cause im too afraid ill ruin something or annoy everyone- everything sucks, there’s no way im gonna have any friends this year and im so sick of being alone all the time- like- just because i enjoy alone time doesn’t mean i always wanna be alone and i just wish someone irl understood- like i shouldn’t be having a full on panic attack right now just cause of people- i should just end it all but im not cause im just hoping that being like this as a kid will make it easier as an adult- but i shouldn’t be a kid worrying about being an adult either-

[chicspo]

hil i've been following you for a while (btw yo tambien hablo español) and idk who else to ask about this.

so i realized that 2 of my childhood friend drifted apart. we have been only keeping in touch through internet bc i moved to my home country over a year ago (although one of them came here about 2 times). i don’t think we will have the same bond tbh.

and my only internet friend that i kept through the years ghosted me randomly, after a one situation where i tried to help her with smth, kinda at my own cost. i don’t think i would stay friends with her if she messaged me back.

i do have a bf who i live with and we are very close, but he could not replace female relationships yk?

now im left without friends, i only speak to my bf and some relatives. its not like i need a lot of friends, i want to find just one who i can have a deep bond with like my old ones, but it’s really hard, bc when i tried before the relationships were really surface level, and when you meet ppl you have to tell them the same things over and over again… it’s exhausting. jg i could make online friends, but i an really bad at keeping online friendships and i would like smth irl.

girl, im lost 😭 like i love spending time alone or with my bf, but i need a female friend of my age yk? and i dont feel like going out and meeting a bunch of random people and having surface level convos (and tbh talking to too much people drains me af)

so do you think there is still hope left for me? or will i die an friendless…..

if u dont want online friends u can def find some irl. anywhere u go if go there regularly u can make friends. u said u only need one so its gona be even easier. just skip the small talk and be more open with people like u have known them for years. if they follow then fs u will know u will be able to have a good bond

[kaijubrains]

Rambling about how transness intersects with my aro-aceness and self esteem under the cut. Just some introspection. Very NSFW:

Been lurking on the ftm subreddit again, and it seems like some peoples sexuality changes after they start testosterone therapy. So now I’m curious if mine will change after I start T later this week?

Heavily leaning towards “no” but it’s always a possibility. However this year I have had a big increase in the amount of sex dreams of getting my dick sucked or topping someone. Despite, you know, not having one. Fuckin phantom dick syndrome... ghost dick

I still don’t think I would do those things with people IRL. I still dont think I have any romantic/sexual feeling for people whatsoever. Just directionless horniness as usual. I am very content with the thought of being aromantic and asexual for the rest of my life, which is cool!

But it’s got me wondering if I am actually aro/ace, or do I just feel that was because I never wanted to feel like a “woman” in a relationship? Or NEVER wanted sex with the current parts I have? If I was born with the other bits, would I still identify as asexual?

Or am I aro/ace due to low self esteem? Growing up, no one EVER asked me out, or even complimented my looks a single time. I was bullied for it. I was the go-to punchbag for guys asking me out for their friends “as a joke” (Note: don’t do that bullshit ever). So it’s like “you can’t hurt me, I dont have romantic/sexual feelings for you to exploit anyway!”. Am I faking it as a self-defence mechanism?

I hope I remain aro-ace. It makes life easier in some aspects. Because let’s be honest: nobody is gonna wanna get topped by an overweight, 5′2′’ transdude with a microdick. I’m just not at all appealing lol

IDK not gonna worry about it too much; whatever happens, happens. And just trying to focus on the small start of growing self-confidence that coming out as trans HAS given me. Good stuff is happening. I’m feeling better about myself overall!

[rickytickychow]

in defense of Unity (my favorite hive mind not the shitty game engine company)

so a lot of people are a little bothered by how pushy Unity was, and that's absolutely valid. However I saw it a bit differently. I think it takes a LOT for someone to be concerned for Rick's very life, given that he is in the business of putting it in danger regularly.

Unity knows Rick. Like *knows* knows him. Thus, she knows he "almost dies" as a hobby. So what's different about him going after Prime Rick? Why was it so urgent?

Now this is pure speculation on my part, but I'm guessing that Prime didn't almost kill him. Given how badly broken up he was over the mere breakup with Unity itself, I can imagine the quest to find Prime drove him mad enough to do some crazy shit; be it by hopelessness or recklessness. In any case, Unity knows that since he isn't picking up, this guy it has a lot of history with may very well be dead. What better way to get a response than create a situation where he's guaranteed to show up? Especially considering he "almost died" right after their previous meeting and all Unity seems to have heard since is hearsay, it kinda has reason to be afraid. It likely went months without news (or however long in spacetime they waited).

If Unity, the flame of a man whose whole schtick is cheating death, is concerned that he might be dead, it's real concern. I don't judge any other interpretation but personally I can forgive Unity for this one. If a close friend of mine was like "stay TF away from my house" I'd also respect that until he was rumoured to be doing historically self-destructive shit.

Yes Unity broke a boundary, but the episode showed us that that Rick was learning to enforce those in a healthy way. It's a realistic plot point for them; people break boundaries a lot in real life sadly and it's important that mending them is shown even if there's not complete forgiveness on either side right away. Rick is right when he says "I NEED BOUNDARIES," but screaming at his granddaughter and stonewalling someone with genuine intentions aren't gonna help him feel confident those.

Wong shouldn't have been invalidating about it but her assertiveness is the way she gets to Rick; it's comedic even though obviously IRL therapists who play devil's advocate are the actual devil. Rick is, with all my love and care and respect to the blorbo, Actually the Devil as well, so Strip Mall Therapist clicks. Wong seems to understand Rick.

Rick had his reasons but still, a singular response and Unity would not have gone to Virginia at all. Unity's action was not justified yeah but it was proportional to the situation from its pov. Rick is reckless, he doesn't give a *fuck*, or so he'd have everyone believe. Wong is poignant enough to make him see that the act isn't worth it, and in turn helps Rick reconsider his avoidant behavior.

The "huge problem" was less Rick's ghosting (spite is not healthy in large amounts but like I Get It) and more the president's fault imo but Rick maybe should have let Unity know he wasn't dead. Had he calmed down and talked it out immediately when he got to Virginia it would have been a much easier release for them both, which is what I think Wong meant.

I am really happy with the last couple episodes tbh they've brought a lotta levity to the show while keeping the dark undertones and setting up themes for the rest of the season. So glad to have Unity back in the show, their relationship with C-137 is so interesting to me.

[autisticlee]

the idea of befriending animators and working along with them to pitch ideas or do other work while learning how the animation process works with personal hands-on learning experience by watching passionate friends work and letting me help, and even voice some characters (I've been interested in voice acting my whole life since it's a script and its easier than talking to people irl) is so appealing to me. but making friends is hard. autistic brain goes wrrrrrr. people go ew and back away. don't know how to meet creative people, befriend them, then convince them to let me work with them. most people make a art competition and think i'm trying to use them. or they reject me if they can't use ME. (because i'm a nobody without a following)

since I dont know all the reasons people reject me, ghost me, block me, ignore me, etc. all I can guess is it's because i'm autistic and it's any number of my social issues caused by it. and that really sucks that people will misjudge you, refuse to help, refuse to include you, and prevent you from going anywhere just for being autistic.......

[pedrospatch]

idk why but you seem like you’d understand this question and you’re also very kind. Do you ever struggle with responding to peoples messages? If yes how do you deal with it? I have this group of friends irl I’ve accidentally been ghosting for 6 months because I felt so ashamed at how long it took me to reply to them after about 2 weeks, and now it’s been so long I’m scared to do it at all. 😕 this happens in most of my relationships and it makes it so hard to keep friends and I feel so bad about it because I know it hurts peoples feelings but idk how to change it.

hello non, sorry for the late reply, i saw this a few days ago and i really had to think about it bc i’ve been on both sides of the coin with this

i am someone who struggles with friendships very much (thank you social anxiety)

as far as the ghosting, it’s been better over the last 2-3 years but i have been on the receiving end as of late and here is my two cents as someone in your friend’s positions

things happen. life happens. people get busy or idk you just never know what someone is going through and that’s what i try so hard to remember whenever my feelings are hurt, because i don’t like to think someone’s doing it intentionally

tbh i get the vibe you truly care, and i know it can be scary to reach out, but you never know, maybe a message from you would make their day. if you have the capacity, it’s worth it to reach out and just briefly explain what happened and offer an apology—only if that is what you want to do of course!

you don’t need to go into details or anything, for example “hey sorry i kinda went mia, had a lot going on, but i have been thinking of you, etc” can often be enough.

it’s easier said than done though and i get that too 🤍 but it just depends on how you feel and what you want to do!

[bugbxyjunk]

hello cj. my name is oliver. you may know me as ollie of @ollieollieoxenfreeee.

answer all 100 of the questions. every single one. do it.

bet.

2. what’s the weather like?

Humid and veryyy warm, but much cooler than it has been!!

3. are you impulsive?

yes, oh my god yes, its a really bad problem

4. are you organised?

no but i am trying!!

5. are you self confident?

HAH. thats funny. no

8. what’s something you hate about yourself?

uhhh not to get all edgy but my like entire self of being? in specific probably my body. or my scars. really hate those.

9. do you have any pets?

Yes! 3, my babies 🥹

10. do you have any regrets?

too many to count man

11. do you have any siblings?

yes, 2 technically. but. i only say one

12. what do you think comes after life?

death, probably

13. what colour is your water bottle?

mainly blue, its git sharks on it :3

14. have you ever dyed your hair/would you ever want to?

its actually dyed rn

16. do you believe in aliens?

YES

17. do you believe in ghosts?

YES

18. do you believe in karma?

yes, actually

19.do you believe in astrology?

ehh kinda? not really, but i also don't know a lot about it

20. do you believe in luck?

Yeah

21. what is/was your favourite subject in school?

Not to be That Stereotypical Person™ but definitely art

22. what is/was your least favourite subject in school?

Math. i hated the class, i hated the teacher, i suck at it, and ive never been good at it.

23. how long have you been friends with your longest friend for?

Considering i only have one stable friendship, almost 3 years i think? maybe 2 and half

24. what do you do in your free time?

i have too much free time in the summer, and lately ive just been on my phone and listening to music/watching YouTube

25. what do you do under stress?

Cry? Panic?? okok fr though if theres a more suitable leader i let them handle things and panic quietly, but if i have to take the lead i can, then i fall apart afterwards. by myself. away from anyone else, of course of course

26. who/what do you turn to to vent?

okok honestly? no one? i mean i go to J (irl friend for those that don't know) for smaller/easier to handle things. but. really i try to deal with everything alone

27. spicy, sweet or savoury?

Sweet, probably

28. what’s your favourite drink?

Strawberry watermelon Ice drinks 🙏

29. what’s your favourite cuisine?

cuisine is so fancy for what I'm about to say, my mom's Alfredo shits delicious

31. what are you wearing right now?

women's beach shorts that r wayyy too big and a grey oversized Harley Davidson shirt

32. what’s your favourite time of day?

Night time !!

33. who do you trust the most?

My mom or J

34. do you trust anyone completely?

Nah

35. would you ever want to get married?

Noooo thank u im good

36. would you ever want children?

NO. i will b the uncle to J's kids, i shouldn't be allowed my own kids i can barely keep myself alive

37. do you have any allergies?

Pollen. and i think caramel??? i don't know i cannot eat that shit

38. do you hate anyone?

Yes

40. what is your relationship with your family like?

Pretty good now, it was pretty rocky for a bit and well childhood was. something. but its great now, my immediate family is my priority in life

41. what is your middle name?

Next question

44. do you like making art?

Yes! its kinda like therapy. and much cheaper.

45. do you believe in the death penalty?

Yeeesh thats a heavy question dontcha think? i think if you're a r--pis- yeah fuck the fuck right the fuck off. I do not care. but i don't think im allowed to speak beyond that, im not qualified

46. do you follow routines/plans easily?

I actually prefer them, i get overwhelmed without them

47. growing up, what did you want to do in life?

I wanted to be a pretty woman with a husband and children and be a vet, a lot has changed since then

48. what is your favourite album?

i don't think i really have one? i don't really pay attention to names/albums on what im listening to, i just enjoy the music. this is why music connoisseurs hate me

49. what’s something you’re grateful for?

My mama 🫶🫶

50.what’s a food you hate?

Tomatoes. for various reasons.

51. would you rather lose your legs or arms?

uhhhhhhhh legs? i guess??

52. what is the most important thing to you right now?

Getting ny shit together for school so i can get a good fuckin scholarship

53. what’s the last dream you remember having?

Something about my grandfather? and a train. it definitely had something to do with something I don't like digging up sooo

54. do you believe in soulmates/true love?

I guess, yeah i do. i think ive met mine, since they aren't always romantic. twin flame is the platonic version i think?

55. what is your favourite word?

Shark, maybe. Or like, Slippery, funky ass word

56. would you rather be loved, trusted or respected?

Loved or trusted, people don't respect me much already so like i can handle not being respected

57. would you want to be famous if you had the chance?

Depends i guess, id like act in something that sees people one day, so sure why not

58. what are/were you like in school?

Horribly quiet, and awkward, and clumsy. and also 'intimidating'

59. who’s the last person you talked to?

J my bbg 🫶🫶🫶

60. what would your perfect day be like?

Getting adequate sleep, spending the day at an aquarium with a loved one(romantic, platonic, queer platonic, i don't care), swimming, or just laying quietly with a lover, i don't need much to be Happy

61. where is a place that you’d love to visit?

THE GEORGIA AQUARIUM !!

62. what is your main goal in life?

Help as much of the ocean and sea life as i can, they're vital to this planet and just as important to take care of.

63. do you exercise often?

Not as much as i should, no

64. do you play any sports?

Im gonna be on the swim team again! i was on it in 8th grade

65. do you play any instruments?

Nah, but im gonna learn bass

66. what is your earliest memory?

Uhhhhhhhhhhhhh i don't wanna talk about it so lets say getting my first build a bear from my aunt

67. if you could have a superpower, what’d you choose?

Shapeshifting.

68. what kind of person annoys you the most?

Uhh people who assume they're better than you for "xyz reason"

69. what is your biggest pet peeve?

People who talk in the middle of tests, or people that are rude to cashiers/customer service people for no reason

70. what’s your favourite number?

13

71. have you ever been in love?

Yeah, and i sometimes i feel like i still am

73. what is your deepest fear?

damn this is getting personal jeez, death? serious sickness/ailments, and doctors. also my half brother and his ex gf

74. have you ever met anyone famous?

i don't think so

75. cats or dogs?

Cats!!

77. how do you deal with loneliness?

uhh im kinda used to it, but if i ever cant deal w it i get into the shower and crank the knob all the way to hot

78. what’s your favourite animal?

is this a real question. SHARKLSKSKSKSKKSKKSHSJDHH!!!!!!!

80. would you rather freeze or burn to death?

uhhhhhhh burn? i feel like it'd be quicker maybe

81. what are some of your bad habits?

Biting my mouth, picking the skin on my fingers, and yk other things

82. what do you do when you’re angry?

Yell, hit my pillow, get in the shower and crank the knob all the way to hot. cry.

83. what is something that you’d want to learn?

Astronomy

84. what’s your favourite insect?

hmmmm Picasso beetle, they pretty

85. what are your thoughts on euthanasia?

god, its sad but sometimes if there's no other answer it might be best? like if my baby, my dog, had an incurable thing thay made life a pain for her every day and she wouldn't/couldn't get better i wouldn't want her to be in pain. i never want to see any of my animals in oain

86. what are your thoughts on your name?

Love it, thought of it myself, just wish id come up with Cj first instead of what other people know me as irl (Corey/ my deadname)

87. what’s your favourite name?

My favorite name..hmmmm...i don't know, i love all names, they're special in a way that I cant choose a single best one

88. would you rather go back or forward in time?

Back, i suppose..fix some things yk?

89. what are your thoughts on roller coasters?

I don't know, its been years sinec ive been on one

91. do you believe in love at first sight?

Nah, i don't think you can love someone instantly. you can experience attraction at first sight, but i genuinely don't think you can love someone at first glance. unless its an animal, then obviously yes.

92. what is something you’re currently worried about?

School, life, my friend, my mom

93. what was your childhood like?

Ehhhhhhhhhhhhhhh lets not open that can of worms

94. how long do you usually sleep for?

when i di get to sleep? around 10 hours in the summer 💀, usually around 3-6 during school

95. what hairstyle do you have right now?

something like this

(NOT ME!!!!! found on Pinterest)

96. if you could be one age for the rest of your life, what’d you choose?

uhh probably like 25? maybe?? idk

97. what genre of music do you listen to the most?

Uhhh pop..indie i guess? musicals too

98. where do you come from?

The US 🇺🇸🦅🦅🦅

99. do you curse/swear often?

Yes i do

100. what is the meaning of life?

Boys kissing me.

[bulldyke-rider]

ok hi imma rant idc idc idc just plz tolerate the mental illness for a min so sorry i h8 sending asks bc i feel like ppl will get mad at me bc i type silly and interacting irl is so much easier for me but i know no one i can say these things to irl. but anyways whoever tf keeps shitting on gnc lesbians can stfu like your gender conforming hettie ass will never understand. it is so fucking lonely and isolating being a masc lesbian (or any kind of gnc woman) i desisted my senior year and ended up in a mental hospital partially bc i knew literally no one like me. like fucking imagine you go out every day and you literally never see a person like you. idk whenever i beat the dysphoria all the way (i am almost there cbt is a beautiful thing) im goin back to my based idc about pronouns era but no one better give me shit for temporarily choosing what is currently the most socially acceptable route for gnc lesbians. like how tf am i supposed to function i get scowled at in public ppl avoid me i know exactly 2 masc lesbians i met one in the psych ward the other im tryna fuck but idk if she’s ghosting me or in court ordered rehab rn soo. im not attracted to feminine women whatsoever it’s so sad bc they are all in love wit me and i can’t even tell my friends im not attracted to them bc they’ll be like “oh you’re lesbian/str8 that means you’re attracted to femininity kinda transphobic to be exclusively into masculine afabs” bc everyone equate woman wit femininity i am so close to being t4t gay trans man istg at least then i’d have a dating pool bc all the masc women transitioned and like it’s understandable like i get it fr i was there too i’m still there sort of. like they did nothing wrong they were just lied to and i’m so sad for them bc like i remember being suicidal bc of dysphoria but like there’s things you can do to make it better i wish i could tell them i wish it wasn’t so fucked up i wish it wasn’t so lonely i wish i had some drugs im too broke rn i wish she would get out of rehab and text me back she’s so hot i just want 1 person who knows and understands but like ughhhh i want gender to be abolished i hate it

plz be nice 2 me ik im weird i just want someone to listen fr 😸

Girl, I hope she gets out of rehab and you live happily ever after

[nebulousfishgills]

flower asks!

white carnation, jasmine, azalea, bluebell, tigerlily, aster (lol), lavender, and/or freesia

Thanks for the ask! This one's a long one so buckle up.

White Carnation - Would you ever want to get a piercing? Where?

This may sound funny, but I have zero piercings (not even my ears) and I highly doubt I'll ever get any. It's just never appealed to me, idk. My grandma never pierced hers, she always wore clip-ons.

Jasmine - Describe your dream partner or best friend. What kind of personality traits do they have?

All my friends I would consider my "dream" friends (my irls and if we're friends on Tumblr you also count). As for dream partner... I mean, I'm not sure. I guess someone who's nice. They should be supportive of me and, to quote a thing my mom sent me, "the weird little things that make my heart happy." Someone who makes me excited to wake up in the morning and who would take me to the theatre once in a while. Someone who encourages me to be the best version of myself. Also someone who can take my darker sense of humor and keep me grounded when I inevitably become a whirlwind of undiagnosed adhd or whatever the fuck I have. Also some blue eyes, same as my mom blue eyes can make me absolutely weak.

That was a tangent, but I am a writer so-

Azalea - What is the most recent song you've listened to? How do you feel about it?

Okay this is gonna sound completely fucking unhinged, especially since it's so short, but last night I had Busted from Phineas and Ferb on repeat for like, three hours as I was doing a doodle because it came across my youtube feed and I realized it's like... exactly like a major scene I have planned for a fic, just without the musical swagger.

Cut to me fifteen minutes into this loop alone in my dorm room pretending I'm [Unnamed Character A] telling off [Unnamed Character B] for [Unnamed Event].

Bluebell - Do you have any pets? If so, what are their names?

I'm currently separated from them by "educational distance" but I have two kitties at home, a Tortie named Jackie and an Orange Boy Cat named Maggie (He has a more feminine name because PetSmart told us he was a girl when we adopted him since they *said* they did a spay operation... but then he had to get a surgery where they told us he was a boy... but by then Maggie had stuck and we'd already gone through three hours of arguing on what to name him in the first place).

Tigerlily - Do you have any favorite quotes from any movies, tv shows, books, or poetry? (Or from people in real life)

Y'all, I have a million favorite quotes from a million things. For now I'll give you one of each

Movie: "Ghosts are real. This much I know. There are things that tie them to a place, very much like they do us. Some remain tethered to a patch of land, a time and date, the spilling of blood, a terrible crime. But there are others-- others that hold onto an emotion, a drive, loss, revenge... Or love. Those-- They never go away." -Edith Cushing in my all time favorite movie, "Crimson Peak."

(I'm also like, 99% sure I'm being followed by a ghost or spirit of some sort so)

TV Show: I'm pretty sure me saying Henry's fifteen minute monologue in Stranger Things is cheating since that's, like, many many quotes, but I'll say it anyways because those fifteen minutes were life changing.

Book: I wish it was easier for me to find a quote, but unfortunately all my books are packed away for move-out in a couple weeks. My memory is eluding me so just pretend like I either said something really profound or something extremely stupid.

Play: "You're still beautiful." "You don't have to lie to me." "It's not lying, it's looking at things another way." From Wicked, my favorite musical (am I basic for that, maybe). Seeing this on Broadway last summer was a religious experience and I'm gonna have another one when I see it from the seventh row next year.

(I changed it to play because, fun fact, I don't read poetry that much. Another thing from my mom, she hates poetry... bear in mind this woman has a BA in English)

Real Life: "People are like 'you're weird' and I'm like 'yes, I've been waiting sixty years to get that compliment'" -my history professor. The man's said so much wild shit this semester I have an entire discord channel devoted to recording his quotes, dude's a legend.

Aster - Do you have any fictional crushes on any movie, tv show...

...

Okay I had a collage I made of every character I've had a crush on, lemme see if I can find it so I can be concise.

(One frantic search later)

It's not fully updated, so lemme just make one rq, every character I actively have a crush on (give or take one or two):

Moving on.

Lavender - What's currently on your mind (aside from the ask game)

How much of a degenerate I am.

No, but in reality, I have two packages I'm waiting for and I keep obsessively tracking them because I'm terrified they'll not get to me before my move-out date.

Freesia - What do you want people to remember you for? Serious or not serious answers.

I can say my writing in a serious and a not serious way. Remember me for my s tier descriptions and remember me for whatever the fuck this is:

[chicspo]

hey lolaa hope ur having a great day, anyways i wanna get smth off my chest. growing up- i was always the left out friend which later on in life I purposely excluded myself out of friend groups/friend ships esp after like a minor inconvenience happened. I’d say i have an intuition like a dog so i can immediately sense someone’s intentions and stuff. I recently moved schools and well it’s not going well. I’m doing academically well but I genuinely do not have anyone I vibe with or be friends with. There was this girl- we had similar interests and stuff so I did talk to her and then one day I asked her if she wanted to sit w me in class right. She purposely ghosted me for like 4 hours and responded telling me she can’t because she have to gossip with her friend in like the most shadiest way 💀. Glad to say after that I wasn’t going to contact her again- I have some friends like 3-4 which are from my old school or used to attend there and well those friends and I are starting to drift apart and I feel like I have no one. I have been always fine being alone but a few days ago I definitely started to go insane because I just felt so isolated from the world. I’m now kind of learning again on how it’s okay to have no friends ( literally no one to text to ) and how I can just live peacefully alone with myself. It gets hard sometimes and I was wondering ur advice on the whole thing

school frienships are usually a waste of time. focus on ur grades its great that ur doing good academically!! ur future self will thank u. u dont have to comform to being friends with people who dont appreciate u just because theyre the only people available around u. definitely ur doing good getting used to being by urself. most people cant be alone and its detrimental. however its normal to want someone to at least talk to or text. if u cant find anyone worth ur time irl even out of school somewhere else, try making online friends. it will be less intimidating and ur likely to find people with the same interests way easier. at least that way u will have someone to speak to everyday

[fleshmechsystem]

Vent post

CW: depression and self harm

Tl;dr: I am conflicted with living, trusting my parents was a mistake.

I'm struggling.

Cal here, just a bit of update regarding... Well me.

Trusting my parents was definitely a mistake. I regret believing them. Sure they love me but they're a load of bullshit.

Basically, the promise of them changing and improving is basically null. The "changes" they did was basically null.

They still acted upset when I was actively having an episode during our trip somewhere, granted I was being a dick but at the same time I literally have so much in my mind, about how terrible people are that they basically proved my point by acting like me, a person suffering from a bunch of issues, gets told I should be choosing times when I quote on quote "emotions" because it'll just make things worse for everyone...

I genuinely felt betrayed lol. That I was proven right about having trust issues. This is what trust does to you. This is what people can do.

But at least on the nice side of people, my friends irl and some headmates have been supportive towards me despite basically doing not so nice things to the body when I found out it was overweight.

Still. I'm starting to feel better but I'm still in the melancholy scale of both depression and optimism right now which is right in the middle.

Never trust people that claim to be better if they refuse to understand your struggle with your own emotions. They'll only make your trauma worse.

Those exact same words were the reason why I even fear abandonment and burned bridges. I left so many groups of friends, I ghosted a bunch over the years because of the creeping fear that me opening up and revealing I'm weak caused me to do these.

I'm no longer struggling with my past. I'm struggling with my present, because I do want to live, I want to be happy to be with people that are patient with this part of me. But part of me wants to end it all in 3 years.

Instead of dying to 30, why not 22?

Less problems for me. Less issues.

I can't also just fuse with someone if I want to because I'm unstable and I've been told it's a bad idea by someone within our system. Hell, I even got to talk to a member of a sub system somewhere around the headspace.

Part of me just wants to disappear entirely. Because I already did what I could to protect someone back then.

Even when I found out I was always around. That I'm not traumgenic. I still don't want to exist anymore. I've endured so much that I feel like I'm beginning to develop narcissistic tendencies due to the loneliness I get when I have no one to talk to.

I'm not a good person either. I have value to people but I never remember the reasons why.

Honestly I might even pick up smoking or vaping but of course someone said, that's a bad fucking idea, and they're right.

But y'know? Just hugging someone and talking while we're in bed helps a lot. Of course I feel bad. They picked me. All three of them as their partner and decided to... Care for me despite everything I've done.

It's just weird. I know I'm deserving of these relationships, both friendship and romantic after going for years being alone.

Years of talking to "myself".

I'm just not sure honestly. I'm both happy with some things in life and upset with others.

I love Riley, Jack and Yuma a lot.

We've... Only been together for like a couple of months, sometimes we argue, sometimes I do something hurtful unintentionally... But.

Then I learn that despite all our faults and mine. I still love them. Despite the flaws they start to show, the insecurities they all have... I still love them.

I wanted this feeling for years, the feeling of loving someone to make them as happy as you could. I'm a terrible partner but... Of course they understand why I am the way I am and be patient with me even when I'm not all there due to my persisting delusions of being abandoned, mocked or hated.

I'm just conflicted with living.

Wouldn't dying be easier? But wouldn't it be also painful for people that gave a shit?

I just... Don't know.

-Cal

[copias-juicebox]

Oh, it's confession hour? Can we sit in a confessional booth? I feel like confessing and munching on some popcorn tbh

First thing first: Reading your mind went blank at my Imagine Papa being hard, because of course, you don't need a prompt to imagine that one, made me laugh. Not maliciously but an affectionately one. Because all the people I've interacted with (and seen so far) in the fanbase seem so sweet and simultaneously totally unapologetically horny.

And you know what? Good for all of you. There's no time for being embarrassed by it. Thirsty, feral and barking? You guys go for it, and I am here rooting for you. I'm too ace for all of it but I think it's interesting and fascinating watching it from afar. My friend was actually concerned and worried about me when I told them, what the fanbase is like because they do know how I react to anything regarding sexual.

I love seeing it, from an outsider's perspective. In that regard, I love realising how I've changed in the past few months since I've found Ghost. I've never judged anyone for their horniness but since I've come to the conclusion I'm on the asexual spectrum and not everyone is a sexual being (and doesn't have to be one), my initial internal response to anything and anyone being horny, has always been Why are people like this? How? Why? What? Leave me alone. And it was an exhausting mindset, let me tell you. And I only just realised it since I found my own cosy place in this fanbase.

How I would react to all this irl, is another matter but I'd like to think it's me making some Copia noises and telling you You do you, as long as you don't do me. But yeah, this fanbase lets me live more freely if that makes any sense.

And I know I'm overwhelming and I need to stop. But I just wanted to get it off my chest how much I appreciate all of you although no one of you knows who I am.

B I G S O R R Y

OH YOU ARE MY SWEET ASEXUAL ANON 😍😍🥰

Ah sorry i didn‘t know it was you lmao of course how would i?

But let me just express my own feelings towards this. First i am totally sorry if my (overly too strong) horniness comes off as weird i know and i am not trying to weird you out really. It‘s just that especially online it is so much easier to express the deepest, darkest and horniest things without being too embarrassed about it because trust me irl i am not even close to horny at all.

I don‘t know why but i have never felt any sexual attraction to any irl ppl around me. I mean i did have some sexual attraction to my sexual partners but that honestly only developed after i started to make out with them? So i don‘t even know where that leaves me in the whole (sexual) attraction and all. I might even be demisexual i have no idea really because i swear i am just not attracted to any person irl that just stands in front of me.

But papa or well honestly any character around tobias is just different for me. I am so horny and attracted to them i don‘t even understand it myself.

I mean it‘s not like i never had that for any other public person no i go through phases i think where i like different individuals and i obsess over them. At least you know online. But papa has been the strongest of my obsessions for years now.

I am however amazed how well you take all this but i also don‘t know shit about asexuals. Are you like actually repelled by the thought about sex? And how would you describe yourself change since you‘ve found ghost? What exactly did change for you? Your mindset?

And please let me make one thing clear:

You are not overwhelming and you do not need to stop.!!!

i appreciate you for being here, interacting, enduring my endless hornyness and actually sticking around. You‘re wonderful just the way you are and i hope you know that. 🖤🖤