#but money has been such a stressor that idk if i could get out of a depressive episode unmedicated

[oblivioustoast]

talked to my therapist about my meds (and how they might be suppressing my enthusiasm for things) and he was lol

… sorry, my phone autocorrected to lol and that was too funny to delete

anyway, he was basically like “yeah, it could do that” and mentioned lessening my dose if i was interested

it’s not something i’m gonna do right away (or probably any time soon) because while i would like to see if it helped at all, i also know that there is still way too much financial stress in my life right now to trust i won’t have a horrific breakdown in the process

[oh-a-very-toxic-octopus]

Stress is a fucking tyrant. Cold sweating all the time. Can't really make myself eat. Don't think I've slept more than three hours a night for the past almost two weeks. Every night is a fun sequence of dozing a bit -> waking up -> checking my phone clock -> half an hour has passed since I last checked.

It's just been a shitty month, I tell myself, but it's a long-term pattern too. And first world middle class problems. Come the fuck on, me.

I'm in the midst of pulling together the money to buy half of the chapel from my partner as he can't afford the burden anymore, it sucks not being 50-50 on it, and changes to capital gains tax could annihilate our position on the housing ladder if we're not proactive.

I'm short exactly the amount I lump-paid into our mortgage when the rates went up this time last year, because of course I am.

Trying to purge-sell everything I can to make it up, but those are all little shots of £10–50 here and there to the point where they almost feel like a waste of time. Maybe they are, idk, I can add things to eBay while I'm doing other chores so it doesn't feel like a phenomenal timesink, but fundamentally I should be putting all my braincells into getting a second job.

Which I've been putting off forever — I went to a four-day work week last year because I wasn't coping anymore. Had the intention of starting a small business to mix things up, but that time has been consumed by house repairs, vehicle repairs, vehicle sales, family shit. And lbr, I don't want to go back to work, so I'm not trying hard enough. Gotta get my act together. Pick some kind of job and do it. Immediately. 💀

But yeah. The car goes in spring and my half will add another £2–3k to my chapel pot. Only we've been looking into replacements and they're all set to depreciate in a way we've never had to budget for before. The Ranger was a strange COVID fluke that will never happen again. Before we had that, we bought the Combo for £6k and expected it to lose £2k over our period of ownership. COVID actually lifted the sale price to £7.5k.

I look at those strokes of luck and realise they're how I've amassed enough to be within spitting distance of buying the chapel, not any personal budgeting successes or hard work, and so EVEN THE LUCKY THINGS become stressors.

Last night a bit of decorative wood trim fell off the chapel. We fixed and repainted some rotten window trim last year, but couldn't reach the roof and put it off. So that's a chore for this coming year. Fingers crossed the roof doesn't cave in in the meantime. We live just down the road from an obnoxious gossipy village who will absolutely talk about this and whatever method we use to fix it. Jim keeps reading their toxic little FB posts waiting for us to become the topic of conversation. It's his personal doomscrolling addiction.

He's been pretty depressed since his degree ended and has been pushing me a bit to Get Prettier. This is very out of character for him, and he walks a lot of it back when he's feeling better and was very very good at helping me through some shopping shit I couldn't have dealt with without him, but the comments still stick in my head. I know they don't sprout from nothing.

I'm conscious I have a massive chip in my shoulder about fashion and beauty so I'm not entirely against repairing some of that, but fuck, I hate it so much. Shopping is the activity that first made me understand what people meant when they used the word triggered. I read people's Reddit posts about bras that fit and what slip to buy for a knit dress and how to puzzle out your personal colour season and I want to blow my brains out. This is invented crap for shallow people but it matters, somehow it has to matter TO ME. Jim's like hey, I know as a tomboy you never learnt to do makeup but there are so many YT tutorials around now that you're barely at a disadvantage! And I'm like bro pls understand that makeup looks like shit to me. I watch the videos & I'm watching a good-looking woman make herself look shit. And I have to copy that?

No. Makeup is not happening, but I'm trying to tackle the skincare and the nailcare and some reworking of my personal style.

The timing on this is horrific, however. Imagine us having these huge discussions about money and wasting our lives and stress-related health complaints and pensions and our parents' growing health concerns and me needing a job and the chapel needing repairs and who shoulders the mental load. And then I'm all ooh oopsie that's my exfoliation alarm hehe lemme go do that and then slap snail mucus on my face. Fucking kill me.

A lot of this is because he asked me to dress up for his graduation, so I've gotta act sane and not make it all about me me me and my apparently CPTSD-grade insanity/fury because it's his big event and I'm hugely fuckin proud of him for getting a first and earning it so decisively.

Anyway my mum had a huge breakdown earlier this year that I had to help her through. Honestly thought she might off herself. I went up to stay for a week and cleaned her house and fed her and got her onto new meds. When she first retired in 2020 she planned to move but COVID fucked that up in so many ways. Now she's trapped in that house, which is too old and huge and high maintenance for her, and sits on a hill so steep she cannot climb back up if she goes out for a walk. It's a constant source of stress and something of a prison for her. Her financial manager retired and let her pension payments lapse, too, so suddenly she had to sort all that out, and she's not financially literate at all so she passed it to me.

Her financial advisor did not grow her money at all. He had it from 2011 and it lost £50k in that time. £300k if you factor in what it should have made if she'd stuck it in a standard tracker account. I'm trying to sort out her will and important shit like power of attorney and what she wants us to do in various situations and she's all well as I have so much money I'll get a nurse to visit! And I have to tell her that's not possible. She can safely take £9k a year and that will see her through to ninety, but there isn't anything else. She needs to downsize the house and use that money to secure herself.

Naturally this means she keeps turning on me as the harbinger of doom. I'm trying to get her pension reinvested in better funds and split a portion of it off so she's better diversified/less exposed to what is frankly a terrifying market, and she's mad because I Sound Like My Father when I suggest she reduces her drawdown by whatever she can afford. Just for now. Leave as much in there as possible for as long as possible to maximise compound interest, pick up the slack.

She has a sick cat. He's costing £90 a month in meds + he needs regular work that ranges from £300-£700 each time. She won't reduce her drawdown amount because she wants money to pay for him. Don't I understand she WON'T be the kind of person who KILLS a cat for MONEY REASONS?

I note I made a mistake once on a topic like this one. I owned one of our family cats, but he stayed with her when I moved out because he was old and happy there. When his kidneys failed, we discussed over the phone what we should do. We agreed we'd put him down. I waited until the end of the working week to travel up there. When I arrived, I discovered she'd independently decided to try to save him and had him at the emergency vet the entire time. As he was my cat, I paid the bill for all that + the inevitable euthanasia. It wiped out all my savings for that year.

To me, you look after your animal as best you can. But if you can't afford the treatment, you can't afford the fucking treatment. You don't torpedo your struggling finances for them. Not as an old person who refuses to lower any other outgoing, go back to work or sell a single thing on eBay to fund them.

She suggests we put his care on my credit card and she'll pay me back when she can.

I don't understand this view on money. Yes you can spread the cost of things over time. But that won't change what percentage of your yearly income can reasonably be spent on certain things (cats, holidays, shit on Amazon).

...which is again why I'm the bad guy.

I've backed off. I think at this point I've done my best to set her on her feet/help her grapple with the problem. I'd do more but she doesn't want that, so I'm stumped. I am ofc conscious that if she runs out of money and doesn't move before she's too old to move and ends up in a depression pit I will still be on the hook for that. But hey.

I'm really rambling now.

The reality is that I need to be driven and have some kind of vision to get out of my current situation and it's hard. I felt I chased what I wanted pretty decisively in my twenties, but in my thirties (I turned 35 at the start of the month) I'm realising it's all simultaneously pointless and incredibly important forever. You have Do Things to spin a narrative to yourself and others that you are a good and worthy human being with Stuff Going On. And somehow I have to Do Things for another 30-40 years, and if I slack I'll lose opportunities and lose the things I've already accumulated. Everything evaporates if you're not fucking on it all the time. Gotta challenge yourself always. But if you push your limits! You get overstressed and take psychic damage and can't be as effective moving forwards!

This has been Nyx's brunch breakdown, thank you, pls let this stop rattling around in my head and let me get some goddamn sleep now.

[semiotomatics]

putting my "personal spewage" tag to good use

so this week has been. good. like really good. ive been sleeping so much better (like, ive been able to fall asleep in under 30 minutes for the last 3 nights!! and have stayed asleep for 10 solid hours every night!! thats unprecedented!!!) and feeling less stressed (still stressed, but less stressed) and have had more energy (tho that could just be the coffee ive been drinking lol) and just generally feeling good. like, i had an idk ~a ha moment the other day where i realized theres a difference between my mood and my function. bc, altho historically both my mood and my function have been low, lately only my function has been low. and it still is, im still struggling to do even basic self-care/body maintenance/just general life tasks, but ive been getting better at it (ive eaten at least one full meal a day! i brushed my teeth for no other reason than because i knew i needed to!) and not wanting to die has really helped with that. it still feels way too early to declare a victory and i have major stressors on the horizon that im waiting to see how they will affect me, cause im kind of in a stressor lull right now (money's okay, family's okay, work's okay, etc) which i keep thinking is why im feeling relatively okay, but still. i feel okay. thats amazing. tho its also kinda terrifying and i keep thinking "oh god i feel okay does that mean i have to go back to work what if i freak out again what if i cant handle it" etc etc but like. i keep reminding myself i dont have to go back to work until im legitimately ready to go back, no ones going to force me to go back when im not ready to, and im hoping to go back part-time anyway so that its easier on me, which will help, so. yeah. hopefully it'll be okay.

but anyway, im just so excited at some of the thoughts and feelings ive had recently. mental illness is so good at making you forget what it feels like to be happy and healthy and alive and in love with the world. i had been stuck in that dark cloud for so long, and i still don't feel like the skies are totally clear, but im seeing hints of blue through the grey and its amazing. i want to love being alive. i want to look forward to my future. i want to be happy. i really really hope this lasts and i get to just be happy.

[krockat]

just got home from the airport a few hours ago, and it was lovely in london, but damn its so fkn nice to be in my disabled friendly home and bed. it's wonderful.

it's weird how lovely london was. i feel like.. i can now easily see myself living there..?

and like. idk i thought sweden (where ive lived my whole life) kind of maybe was my only choice, W my disabilities and queernesses.

but like. i had a long talk w a taxi driver we took a fare W, who was disabled too, and we just opened up and talked about or disabilities and exp W it in our countries.

and he just began telling me about all these new disability aids that were put into law this year there. and it's like. i even said at one point (after saying it seems so unreal because it sounded too good to be true) that at some point it had to be a practical joke, right?.

because England, or at least London? is so... Way Miles Miles Miles ahead of Any disability rights I've ever heard of being put into existence in a country ever before.

like it's miles ahead of swedens, esp the disability laws I live with in my part.

and like.

it's just. those things would be life changing.

if they are real and true, i am so, so so so so so happy such huge wonderful progress has happened in England! i really sincerely hope it stays and gets even better and all people in need can have those things, and spreads accross our whole world!

though, with a few caveats.

1. the sidewalks in central london, are very hard to navigate - because they tilt like, Everywhere.

my friend pushed me in a manual wheelchair we borrowed from the hotel and it was Tough!!!! (and scary)

2. and most importantly, for me, you still have to work a hundred percent to get those rights and live there.

and i am not able to work in my country, and haven't been my whole life, due to my very strong disabilities. (that i have been working to rehabilitate - cause alto I don't dream of labour, i believe in my work of loves/passion projects, and also having more money than the v little I get from my disability aid in sweden) but more disabilities popping up and life and world crisises has several times slowed progress)

but i think, considering there are so many others rights there (that the taxi driver talked of, anyway) that i think there - i could have a great shot in actually being able to work?

because like Sooooo many of my stressors and things that disable me I would get strong aid for?

And it's just.

I am wondering if i am insane if i believe it is real, and could be something for me. and I kinda just want to cry.

I don't even know what to do.

I do really like and love my current life here....

but i am just thinking about all the good that could be to live there?

how i could actually live such a fucking easier and fulfilling life where I don't have to work so hard to deal W my disabilities and not have to basically pay nearly all of my high aid needs myself, and burn myself out so repeatedly just by existing and living W this and trying to take care of myself and.... Then instead there having so much help for my disabilities - some i had not even imagined? atl not in this current sociopolitical climate?

and it's just.

how could I uproot myself to go there?

here's where I have my roots.

i do want to try, but it's so scary.

i am scared to even research it haha... i do want this, genuinely, now, but I. I don't know...

[the-fandom-abyss]

i feel like you’re handling yourself as best as you could be in a situation like this. and saying it’s been 7 years of if i get it can be quite frustrating and you for sure would expect some sort of growth from her.

a big question (can be an invasive one): is your partner seeking help for her anxiety? bc if no, then looking into that may help!

though things that have helped me be able to still be able to go out with my gf is: i have bad silent panic attacks initially in a large crowd bc of feeling unsafe etc so we make a plan in case i can’t manage it, even with trying, of leaving or just going somewhere quiet for a short time to ground again. grounding for me has been just her touch at some point and just to know everything is okay. it can be dependant on the person and triggers to what conversations to be had and what will work. if we are going somewhere to eat either she orders for me or helps me with knowing how to say things properly (ik it sounds stupid but it’s a way to still be able to go out without a stressor). i found for me just little things. if i decide to stay home and she goes out, she’ll come back and just cuddle with me and watch movies (or whatever i want but if tired then it’ll just be another day)

just idk if she’s the type of person who will sit with you and have a civilised conversation about ways to reduce stressors and anxiety triggers etc to have a more enjoyable time. that’s what i did with my gf, i told her the aspects that stressed me the most about different situations and she helped me together to come up with plans and ideas to make it less stressful (this is taken as far as trying clothes on, she’ll take it up for me and go with me the whole time). i definitely feel so stupid for my anxiety like all the time bc i just can’t do the most simple things but i don’t just use it as an excuse either. i work through it and you should never be blamed like that bc from what i’ve gathered is you don’t force her. i’d never blame my gf if i went out and had a horrible time and wished it was different.

idk if any of this will help you both should be able to listen and talk to each other in a way where it’s like a casual conversation and if things get tense then maybe just have a space to go to collect thoughts again and lower the tension before returning to it.

i also want you to know that you are doing your best, you are trying. you aren’t selfish for wanting your needs met as well. you aren’t selfish or a bad partner for doing preplanned things with or without! it’s a hard situation to manage, it’s impacting your own social needs and social life which isn’t right <3 also never be sorry and always rant/vent if you need to! letting it out is good!

-🐝

At this moment in time, she isn’t seeking help for her anxiety (with money and all that) but she has mentioned that she would like to in the future. So she is open to exploring her anxiety and develop some healthy habits around it.

Those are some amazing strategies! I’m happy that you and your gf can be a grounding factor for each other 🥰 and it’s totally not stupid to get clarification on what to say! My gf writes down the orders on my phone so I can read off it like a speech or else I’ll panic and get the wrong thing. ALSO if they start to ask extra questions, I have the answers right in front me me! So I feel you bee anon, I am the exact same!

I would love to get to that point in our relationship where we break everything down and build it back up. I personally think the reason why we have yet to reach that is because in terms of what we need and want, we are very black and white. There is no in between, so I know that’s something that we need to work on more.

Thank you little bee, I appreciate you and your words ❤️

[the1312daysofchristmas]

Hi… I wanted to ask this on anon so I didn’t ask on your personal, idk if this is too personal or anything to ask but

Do you have a problem with people saying they have a mental disorder if they don’t have a diagnosis? Like for me so… I have been diagnosed with anxiety but I am like 99% sure I have bipolar disorder. And like I know you can’t diagnose me so I’m not going to go into depth with my symptoms but ever since I was like, 11, I used to get very depressed to the point where I contemplated ending it but then i would snap out of it and I think for me my manic phase are hypomanic bc ive never experienced like the full range of those symptoms but my depressive phases get very rough esp if I have external stressors but it will go through what I assume to be these phases like sometimes within the day esp if I have a stressor.

I am in nursing school and I work at a psych hospital so like this isn’t coming out of nowhere, I am very familiar with all mental disorders and it was actually during my psych nursing class and learning about bipolar disorder that I was like… hm… why does this feel like a mirror right now. I am aware I should get to a therapist and get an actual diagnosis (if I had money I would lol) but like idk. Idk if it’s worth going to my doctor at my physical and being like “hey I think I have this” I am lucky enough now that I am in a good place and can manage my symptoms but I am terrified I will go through a stressor again and lose it so idk. I mean I feel like I already know the answer but I wanted to ask anyway to see your take :/

Anyway idk as a future medical professional I think self diagnosis got a bad rep and it’s like idk I think for mental disorders esp you can tell if you have anxiety and it’s a persistent problem. You can tell if you have depression. I know bipolar disorder is harder to diagnose but idk I think since I’m in the field it’s easier? Idk I felt like a sense of relief with learning about it and finding similarities and being like “well maybe that’s why I’m like that”. But idk now I’m feeling uneasy bc I don’t have a diagnosis and I don’t want to be like, stepping over people who were diagnosed. Thank you in advance if you read all this and yeah I’m sorry I know it’s a lot and this is controversial

ok this is a long post so im putting it under a cut but tldr, no i dont have a problem with it. it doesnt matter if you actually have an illness, it matters if you find a solution to your problem. if treating yourself like you have a certain condition makes it easier to go through life, then keep doing what works for you, you are doing nothing wrong. this all goes for physical and mental illnesses.

im a firm proponent of self diagnosis. i wouldnt be here if i didnt have the confidence to research mental illnesses and advocate for myself. as someone who is extremely familiar with the medical profession on account of being the daughter of a doctor and a nurse and spending my childhood running around a hospital, im extremely privileged to even have the knowledge and ability to do so, and i try to bear in mind the understandable hesitancy of people without this advantage. i know that you are well within your right to refuse medication that makes you sick, i know that you can complain about a doctor that isnt listening to you, i know that you are allowed and encouraged to be adamant about things you are told dont matter, and in addition to that, i have a VERY well known doctor and a nurse in my corner, and i am STILL treated as though i do not understand my own experiences enough to have any authority more often than i am not.

the reason self diagnosis gets a bad rep imo is because people have constructed this boogeyman of the worst case scenario, people collecting mental illnesses they dont have for attention as opposed to what it is, people doing research into their experiences and making theories on what they have so they can manage it. youll often see the take of "i dont hate self dxd i just hate people who do it for attention" and i think thats very irresponsible considering a symptom of many mental illnesses is thinking youre faking it and doing it for attention, nevermind the fact that attention seeking behaviour is literally a symptom of many mental illnesses people often dont want to empathize with. gatekeeping whos illness is real just keeps people who need help out. i could go into an anarchist screed about democratizing health, but basically, as someone whos life has been saved by my insistence on self diagnosis, and whos life has been made significantly easier by treating myself as though i have the conditions that i theorize i have, self diagnosis saves lives, and i, as an advocate for disabled people of all kinds on my island, will never put any conditionals on self diagnosis. it doesnt matter if you find the right name for your problem, it matters if you find a solution that works. i have yet to meet any of these fabled people who never try to receive a professional opinion, only people who literally cant.

as for feeling guilty, ill repeat how i opened this answer: it does not matter what exactly your problem is, it matters that you find a solution that works. in medicine generally, there will be a wide spectrum of problems with overlapping treatments, things which are similar but distinct, things which look identical but are completely different and at different levels of concern. it doesnt really matter which grab bag of bullshit your brain is reaching from, it matters that you know how to deal with what it throws at you, whatever that may be. dont worry about getting it right, worry about getting it working. okay?

for advice on how to deal with doctors, its helpful to pose it as a hypothetical as opposed to an absolute. when i bring up things im dealing with that i have a theory about i say "i think i have x" or "i think i might have x" or "i have a lot of symptoms of x". doctors are often egotistical and are easily challenged so it helps to pose it at a problem they can solve as opposed to one youve solved for them otherwise they get spooked. in my experience posing it this way leads them to actually interrogate this line of symptoms, and theyll ask you why you think that, and you can bring up symptoms that led you to that conclusion, and ones that give you trouble especially. for example, ive said "i think i may have autism or adhd? or both" to several doctors, and they either agree with me (i believe its been put in my file as a possibility now although i cant get an official test done due to financial and resource restrictions) or they ask why i think so, and i detail what i believe is due to my autism. its small, but this reframing helps a lot.

i think this covers all you said but my head is empty as hell.

[guu]

i’ve known for awhile now that along with all the other obvious problems, that charles is my biggest stressor AND the reason we can’t keep stable financially.

because he’s had access to all our cards, he makes the most stupid purchases

we got into a big fight just now over how he’s done jack shit around the house and stays up till 5am and sleeps in till 2pm, and he still says he cant do anything about that. partly bc he “never really gets a chance to play games with the kids awake” (lie, huge ass lie)

and that he lays down and cant fall asleep, but wont accept my sleep meds ever bc they made him groggy the first time.

which. happens. when u start a new sleep med.

but. GOD just. the fucking gall he has to have treated me as a lazy burden when he was the only one working and since i’ve been carrying the household he’s been the lazy jackass playing games all day long.

“oh the kids are such a distraction i cant truly enjoy it”

yeah?? i dont get to draw nearly as much as i want to, but you didnt hear me bitching. from 4-9 on average i need to drive around making money and battling my chronic pain but oh poor poor you, you cant get sleep bc you cant game in peace until 10pm!

when i get home i’m too exhausted to draw usually, and i dont have the luxury of staying up late bc i cant be dizzy on the job.

yeah maybe you do sometimes have to get right up and do things because you sleep so damn late while i’ve been up since 7am!

ugh sry for the long vent but tl;dr

it’s time i finally get what i need done.

and ditch charles for good.

sure, i’d need someone to watch the kids everyday while i work but i’m sure i could figure something out. in the end, with his “i’ll do it later, but i’ll be mad if you do it cause i said i would” is burning me out and burning a hole in our pockets. he was supposed to have applied for EBT already, and get xander back on insurance so he can see his guidance counselor.

but these are things i can do on my own no matter how nerve wracking they can be sometimes, but without him around to have to depend on to follow thru, i can ACTUALLY get shit done when we say we will.

idk. i have a LOT. to figure out and research. but this has GOT to finally END!

[amerasdreams]

I have been listening to True Spies podcast on Spotify. It’s apparently connected to a thing called Spyscape, which has a museum/experience thing in New York. They also have an online test for your personality and intelligence.... well those intelligence tests all of course have to do with math. and they are TIMED. somehow I got thru guessing most of them.... didn’t score 0 but didn’t score great. 

so guess what I scored on intelligence!  and personality scores mean I’m more prone to health problems and being unhappy.... :( 

(here I woke up thinking I can be uniquely me, I don’t want to be like anyone else anyway, I can embrace that... but how can I when what I am is this pathetic)

I shouldn’t have done this, I know what these tests do, make me discouraged and hate myself more. they even said I’m not imaginative and creative-- things I value most besides intelligence (and intuition/empathy...) 

they did say the “spy role” I was most suited for, which is what I’m most interested in, intelligence analyst. But in the more “practical” side, for jobs, it mentioned medical things, technical things, which I wouldn’t be good at and don’t like, business marketing-- working for a business I don’t care about, a job with no meaning....  it even had mathematician! when I’m obviously not good at math. the only jobs I might be interested in are psychologist/criminologist... idk.... to late for me to get any career anyway, let alone somehow what I really want

they did a risk assessment, where you blow up the balloon before it pops to get “money” - yesterday I started it and panicked when the balloon popped the first time and closed the window. then when I was walking the dogs it occured to me it was a test lol and I would just have to keep risking popping the balloon... so today I saw it as more of a game and not the ‘scary balloon popping oh no I lost money!” -not even real money. idk about fun.... all these things were stressful esp the intelligence test. 

today I started the test, thinking it might help me, get insight into what I can do, instead, it discouraged me, I’m what I thought, mediocre and not suited for much, they only gave a “role” to me because they had to give me something. It said the intelligence analyst is inquisitive--when it just said I wasn’t -  idk how this even fits with the test bc analytical? that wasn’t one of the dimensions and doesn’t seem like I scored high on implied analytical powers, same with determined-- 

how can i live with myself being like this, having no role and no future according to any dimension that really counts. don’t want to be plodding away at menial tasks when I want to do something Imaginative, Creative, Intellectual-- ha can’t even do that

oh I’m proving them right, easily stressed and sensitive and reactive -- 

I’m not including the risk assessment bc I don’t think it’s accurate-- I’m really very risk averse in all cases... oh we know that already so. 

~

results (bold/parentheses is mine)

MENTAL HORSEPOWER

Unlike Alan Turing would, you scored moderately low {yay!:(} on this attribute. The result, driven by your performance in the personality tests, suggests that, on the whole, you struggle with complex mathematical and analytical problems. {so how can I be an analyst?} That said, you can usually spot patterns and find links in data – as long as the information you have been given isn’t too abstract. (I like big picture things.... abstract things... apparently I’m not good at it)

IN YOUR DAILY LIFE

Like other people with a moderately low Mental Horsepower score, you are more likely to ‘go with your gut’ when making decisions rather than to apply logic and reason (that’s true.... logic is mystifying. fits with being INFP-- logic is my weakest point). It is unlikely that you will sit down and win a game of chess, and you probably rely on your satnav rather than read a map yourself. (yep.... chess is too much strategy... I can’t see ahead like that .. hm how could I be an analyst)

IN YOUR WORK

Because you are not a very conceptual thinker, you are better in roles where you can do things ‘automatically’ rather than applying any abstract reasoning skills. You are not bad at visual-spatial or mathematical tests though, and with training and practice, your skills will definitely improve.

THE SCIENCE

Mental Horsepower relates to our general cognitive ability and our capacity to think about, reason with, and understand abstract concepts. It particularly links to analytical and mathematical skills, but also covers memory, comprehension, language, learning capacity and judgement. These are hugely significant skills for success at work and in everyday life.

Psychologists have developed all kinds of tests to measure cognitive ability. Some of these involve predicting outcomes from patterns in data (also known as inductive reasoning), while others focus on mentally flipping and rotating images. We use both of these approaches in our Mental Horsepower tests at SPYSCAPE.

Recent neuroimaging research shows that intelligence is linked to brain patterns, and that these patterns are unique to each of us (meaning you can’t change them :(  )– much like our fingerprints. In one study, these brain ‘fingerprints’ were used to successfully predict people’s scores in IQ tests.

While IQ tests are probably the most common method for determining cognitive ability, there is some debate over whether they provide a complete picture. For example, theories suggest that there are many different types of intelligence which are not accounted for in these tests. Still, it is generally accepted that people who score highly on tests of cognitive ability are on the whole better at completing intelligence-related (so that career’s out... if it was ever in lol) tasks in the real world.

~

COMPOSURE

Unlike Jason Bourne, you scored extremely low (low on everything! what a wonderful person!) on this attribute. The result, driven by your performance in the personality tests, suggests that you are far more vulnerable to stressors than most people (I knew that). You are likely to have a very strong emotional reaction to negative events and your brain becomes highly active when you see something you perceive as unpleasant (like this test!). Although this means you find it hard to relax, it also means you are really tuned in to your surroundings ( and what’s the upside of that? nice consolation prize....)

IN YOUR DAILY LIFE

Like other people with extremely low levels of composure, you are highly likely to experience anxiety and burnout. (with things that aren’t really stressful to anyone else. just stepping outside. just being inside-- doing thigns like this.. doing most things actually-- help how can i live) You can be far too critical of yourself (well how do i stop? if this is how I am like), especially when you are stressed (which is almost all the time), and this can make it tricky for you to overcome problems (which is never, which is why I’m still living w my parents). You also dwell on the past far more than people with high composure.

On the positive side, you are responsive to your environment, which means you are more likely to anticipate negative outcomes and find ways to avoid them (like almost everything). You are also sensitive and caring, and your observant nature means you look out for yourself and the people close to you. (what’s the point of that when you can’t do anything, or get to know new people)

IN YOUR WORK

It is unlikely your colleagues will turn to you when there is an emergency or crisis at work. This is because you struggle to keep your emotions in check, and challenging situations can get the better of you. When this happens, you are not great at maintaining focus or making tough decisions.

THE SCIENCE

Composure relates to how our brains respond to stress. In tense situations, your brain activates an area called the hypothalamus, which releases adrenalin and cortisol – also known as stress hormones.

A bit of stress now and then is important for survival, because it alerts us to the dangers around us. Small amounts can be useful, but too much over a long period of time is bad for our health (oh goody). Studies show that the adrenal cortex, the part of the brain that releases stress hormones, is also linked to the healthy function of our immune system – and people who are more prone to stress are also more likely to get sick.

There is also a connection between composure and working (short-term) memory. Composed people perform better on tasks where they need to recall and use relevant information while they’re doing something else – for example remembering the steps of a recipe when cooking a meal.

PEOPLE SCORING HIGH IN COMPOSURE ARE

LAID-BACK

RELAXED

COOL

FOCUSED

POISED

PEOPLE SCORING LOW IN COMPOSURE ARE

EMOTIONAL

SENSITIVE

PERCEPTIVE

RESPONSIVE

VIGILANT

~

Contentiousness

Unlike diligent Mission: Impossible hero Isla Faust, you scored moderately low on this attribute. The result, driven by your performance in the personality tests, suggests that unlike Isla, you find it difficult to keep focused on long-term goals {Idk about this. goals are all i focus on.... well. I think about them often but Idk how to create the steps to get there and so things fizzle out and I get-- discouraged what else is new). You get distracted or bored quite quickly and are often drawn to new ideas and projects instead of finishing what you are currently doing (well.... hm. I finish novels...). You understand what is important in life, but you sometimes skip the details. (I’m not a detail person... I can be but they often seem irrelevant)

IN YOUR DAILY LIFE

Because you prefer not to a follow a schedule, hobbies that require regular training are not for you. In fact, your interests change quite regularly, and you find long-term commitment a challenge whatever the activity. Friends and family know that if they want you to do something, they need to encourage you to get organized. When they press you, however, you do things pretty well.

IN YOUR WORK

You take a relatively flexible approach to work. As such, you get distracted easily and do not always complete the task in hand. Because of your tendency to do this, you are likely to change jobs – and perhaps even career – fairly regularly (I want variety... Idk, this sort of fits, sort of doesn’t).

THE SCIENCE

Conscientiousness shapes how likely you are to follow rules, regulate your own behavior and get yourself organized. The more conscientious you are, the more motivated by goals and tasks you are likely to be.

According to what psychologists call the ‘Big-5’ model, conscientiousness is a core dimension of personality – and one of the five key traits that drive human behavior. Whether you are high or low in conscientiousness can help predict your success in social, academic and professional situations.

If you have high levels of conscientiousness, you are probably more productive and better at adapting to new situations (that’s true, I’m not) that come your way. However, this does not mean that being conscientious is always a good thing, because research also shows that being too conscientious can lead to overthinking. (I do that too...)

Some studies suggest that people who are more conscientious are healthier – and they might even live longer. This might be because conscientious people are more likely to exercise regularly, eat healthily, and avoid smoking or drinking too much alcohol.

It’s hard to say where conscientiousness comes from. One study found a link with areas of the brain relating to attention and cognitive control. There is also evidence to suggest that genes play their part. It’s likely that social factors such as your upbringing influence how conscientious you are, too.

PEOPLE SCORING HIGH IN CONSCIENTIOUSNESS ARE

HIGH-ACHIEVING

ACCOUNTABLE

THOROUGH

DRIVEN

SELF-DISCIPLINED

PEOPLE SCORING LOW IN CONSCIENTIOUSNESS ARE

IMPULSIVE

FLEXIBLE

EASY-GOING

SPONTANEOUS

ADAPTABLE

(I think I’m sort of this, sort of not because I’m borderline INFP -- P is flexible, impulsive while J is more structured-- I’m slightly more Perceiving. goes to show Myers-Briggs is pretty good at describing personality accurately....)

~

INQUISITIVENESS

Unlike Carrie Mathison in Homeland, you scored moderately low on this attribute. Your score was driven by your performance in the personality tests, and it suggests that you are pretty cautious about new ideas, beliefs, cultures and theories.

IN YOUR DAILY LIFE

Like other people who scored moderately low on this attribute, you are not so willing to take on board other people’s views (that’s true). You will consider what people have to say, but you are likely to stick with your own opinion. You feel more comfortable in familiar situations and surroundings (well, yes...), and you do not really feel the need to explore new places (I kind of do, though... I want to but I often... don’t. because it’s too hard).

IN YOUR WORK

Because you aren’t motivated to learn or acquire new skills (Idk about this... depends on if it’s something I’m interested in. I’m learning like 15 languages on Duolingo...), you are less likely to seek out new opportunities at work. And the longer you stay in a job, the worse your motivation is likely to get. In general, you tend to perform better when you start a new position, although you will carry this out using the same approach you always have, rather than approach it in a new way. You like real-world, practical work that has straightforward solutions.

THE SCIENCE

Inquisitiveness is an important trait for discovering new things and building a better understanding of people and of the world around us. Psychologists have developed tools for assessing and measuring how inquisitive a person is.

These are based on extensive research into personality and are designed to evaluate five facets related to inquisitiveness: (i) intellectual curiosity; (ii) aesthetic sensitivity; (iii) active imagination; (iv) attentiveness to inner feelings and; (v) preference for variety.

Furthermore, personality researchers have identified two types of inquisitiveness; ‘epistemic’, which refers to information seeking ( I think I’m more information seeking?) behaviour and ‘perceptual’, which refers to experience seeking.

PEOPLE SCORING HIGH IN INQUISITIVENESS ARE

CURIOUS

OPEN-MINDED

IMAGINATIVE AND INVENTIVE

CREATIVE

ADAPTIVE

PEOPLE SCORING LOW IN INQUISITIVENESS ARE

PRACTICAL

CONSISTENT

TRADITIONAL

HABITUAL

PRAGMATIC

~

SOCIABILITY

A bit like Alec Leamas in The Spy Who Came in from the Cold, you scored extremely low (yay. well I knew this... and from answering the questions... )on this attribute, which suggests that you prefer to spend time alone and keep yourself to yourself. You avoid parties, meet-ups and other noisy gatherings because you find them overwhelming (wayyyy). If you really have to socialize, you need plenty of quiet time afterwards to help you rest and recharge.

IN YOUR DAILY LIFE

Like others with an extremely low sociability score, you don’t like being the center of attention and often struggle to start conversations. You think a lot before speaking and regularly find it hard to express your thoughts and ideas. Because of this, you often let others do the talking, and you don’t take part in small talk either. This behavior means you might come across as socially reactive, and people may think you only talk to them when you feel you really have to (as in, extremely negative, and I shouldn’t exist. although... i do talk to them if I have to.... haha I do take part in small talk because I think I have to. or people will think I’m rude. but I don’t like it. I’m sensitive to how I’m perceived and don’t want to be seen as too antisocial, but I talk to others out of fear not of want... yikes. no wonder no one wants to be around me. well I don't want to be around them. well - I want to be around people I know well. for limited amounts of time... need less to recharge from people I know than strangers. I want to be with them, I don’t want to be with strangers-- it’s only stress and not fun at all. but how do i get past the stranger part to the friend part if I don’t like being with strangers and it’s all stressful adn overwhelming? How do i participate in society, have people to talk to, have any sort of success??? - shouldn't exist.).

IN YOUR WORK

Because you are more comfortable working independently (please. HOW???? besides working for myself... haha can’t work for anyone else bc can’t get past the interview, these ^ traits are obvious and not something any employer in their right mind wants), you will be more productive – and much happier – managing your own workload, tackling problems alone, and avoiding company brainstorms and powwows.

THE SCIENCE

How sociable you are can be linked to your levels of happiness, positivity, and wellbeing. In fact, sociability relates to a variety of positive outcomes in life, including how successful you are at work, how well you cope with challenging situations, and even how physically and mentally healthy you are. (yay. I’m doomed. I might as well kill myself now)

People who are highly sociable are more positive emotionally (case in point!) than those who are less sociable. In one brain imaging study, people with a high sociability score had higher levels of brain activity when they saw images of happy faces and other positive emotions.

The same part of the brain that processes emotions also helps interpret information from social contexts, which means we can judge a social situation and then respond appropriately (social situations, like math problems and logic, are mystifying to me. yay the things that are highest linked to success--).

There is some evidence to suggest that highly sociable people might be better at detecting and decoding the meaning of social cues –  including how they analyze and read people’s faces (oh, I know that. I have a hard time judging people’s faces, in fact I often think they are mad at me or judging me by their faces when they probably aren’t. I even have trouble finding out what emotions go with what emoji! besides the basics. i mean why, how are there so many emojis....). This means they are likely to find social interaction easier to deal with than others (lol yes. it’s . not easy. why. do i have to be born like this. always been. hell..).

There is also research to suggest that highly sociable people have more connections between regions of the brain that involve visual stimulus and regions that process social and emotional stimuli. (brains are better, we get it)

Sociability might also be associated with the neurotransmitter dopamine, which is linked to reward-seeking behavior. It is thought that people who are highly sociable may have an enhanced response to dopamine in the brain, which makes them pursue rewards such as attention, status, power or pleasure. This would explain why, when they get these things, they feel happier or more satisfied.

PEOPLE SCORING HIGH IN SOCIABILITY ARE

TALKATIVE

FRIENDLY

ENTHUSIASTIC

ENERGETIC

EXCITABLE

PEOPLE SCORING LOW IN SOCIABILITY ARE

QUIET

RESERVED

INTROSPECTIVE

PRIVATE

SHY

^ ALLL negative attributes, I need to just kill myself now, no future. 

[thinking-in-symbols]

Quinquennial Life Assessment

So, it’s been a few years.  When I was 19 I posted a sort of “roadmap” for the evolution of my life on this blog.  Today I thought I’d revisit that.  I want to take a look back and see what progress I’ve made, and then in a separate post I want to turn to the future, think about how my vision for it has changed, and consider how I can reincorporate these goals into that vision.

This is the list of things I wanted to get done in varying time frames.  I’ve crossed off the things I’ve done to get a sense of my progress:

1 year:

At 19, my hopes were to accomplish the following things by age 20:

- Joined, and consistently participated in, at least 2 campus organizations that suit my interests, at least 1 of which should be competitive in nature - well, I joined the ISO and KVRX, my college radio station!  Neither of those were competitive, but in retrospect I don’t really care about that :-)

- Made concrete plans to study abroad - Nope, unfortunately I never did this.  I’m not quite sure I regret that, all things considered - I traded that experience for other things.  I did make plans to spend a few months abroad of my own accord, and I would have gotten away with it, too, if it weren’t for that meddling global pandemic.  But as it stands I haven’t done this.

- Learned C++ and python to proficiency - Hm.  “Proficient” is a relative term.  But I think I have a tendency to downplay my skills, so in the interest of counteracting that I’m going to count myself as “proficient” in these languages.  I think that’s fair.

- Gone on at least a several day road trip with at least 1 friend - I’ve gone on several trips with @meeshbug​, my very lovely girlfriend and best friend in the world :-)

- Decided on a concentration beyond the extremely vague umbrella of “computer science” - Unfortunately as far as my education is concerned I never really did this.  If anything my interests have *broadened* rather than becoming more focused.  More on this later...

- Made meaningful, ongoing contributions to an open-source project - You know what?  I’ve published the source of everything I’ve ever made, and I’ve gotten to the point where I can make stuff that’s not trivial.  So I’m giving myself credit for this one.

- Learned to cook enough meals to eat in most days and not get sick of my own food - I wish.  I’ve learned to cook a fair amount of stuff but I still get way too depressed and lethargic to apply that consistently.  Whether I consider myself to have achieved this honestly depends on the month.

- Learned to keep my living area clean - I’m much better at this than I was at 19, but at 19 I could barely clear a path to walk across my room.  So there’s more work to do.  More on these last two later.

- Gotten a pet - Meesh and I have a dog named Courage (after the dog of cowardly fame) and a cat named Jax!

2 years:

- Independently written a piece of software to completion and deployed it publicly - I’ve always pretty bad at actually seeing projects through to completion, but I do have a few full, independent projects under my belt at this point.  I’ve built a simple game engine, a pathtracer, plugins for games I like, and some other stuff.

- purchased and begun regularly using some basic amateur radio equipment - Ah man.  I got my license but I still haven’t gotten any equipment.  I guess I have to get on that...

- purchased and begun experimenting with some basic music recording equipment - This one I’ve done, but I haven’t done as much experimenting as I’d like.

- hosted a party - I did this for my 21st birthday and it’s one of my favorite memories!  Honestly this was probably the last time I had all my really close friends in one place.  I’m actually getting kind of emotional about that.

- done some kind of hallucinogen - I have now done this.  I definitely did get something out of it, albeit not what I expected.  This is something I actually only did pretty recently and it’s still having a pretty profound effect.  Maybe I’ll write a separate post about this.

- Gone camping with friends - Despite my best efforts, this hasn’t happened yet.  Pretty fucked up.

3 years:

- learned to play another instrument besides the piano (guitar?) - I don’t feel comfortable crossing this one off quite yet, but I went ahead and bought myself some guitar equipment and have been messing around with it lately :-) I think I’m going to have to bite the bullet and pay for lessons if I’m serious about this, which I am.

- Written and recorded a song - Damn, I can’t believe it’s been 5 years and I haven’t even done this.

- Met a group of people I can play music with - nope

- Owned a leather jacket.  I can’t believe I’ve still never even owned a leather jacket - I’ve done this and wore it frankly too much.  Kinda cringe.

- Worked as a professional software developer - Yep!  Worked as a software developer for a retail company for a couple years.  I’m actually not working as a software developer right now, though; I’m working in a sort of adjacent position.  More on this later.

- Participated in research related to my field - That’s pretty ambitious.  Not sure I’ll ever do this, unfortunately.  But we’ll see.

- Been to a film festival - Oh shit, I totally forgot about having written this.  That’s a cool idea.  I should do this, it’s not like it’s hard (well, at least in principle.  I guess covid kind of changes the situation).

- Gotten a dog - Courage is one of those, I think, although he might also be part rat.

- collected 50 records - Lol, my dumb ass really thought I was going to buy $1,000 worth of records on college money.  No, I haven’t done this, but I’m on my way there.

- Purchased a desktop computer - Well, my dad gave me his old desktop.  That’s not really a purchase but I think it counts.

5 years:

- Begun accepting freelance development gigs - haven’t gotten here yet and I’m not totally sure this is a direction I want to go in my career.  Freelancing has its own stressors as I’ve come to learn from others.  No career path is sunshine and roses and I’m trying to internalize this fact.

- Participated in a student film - Nope.  I don’t even know why I wrote this down to be honest.

- Gotten laid by solving a 5x5 Rubik’s Cube in front of a girl because surely that’s gonna have to work on someone eventually, otherwise I wasted a lot of time - These are getting weird.  Surely I didn’t really expect this to happen, right?  Well, either way I now have a long-term girlfriend, so I don’t - wait, Meesh has seen me solve a Rubik’s cube and she saw it before we started dating.  So actually I’m going to give myself credit for it.  I’m the one who makes the rules here.

- Fleshed out my political opinions - Yes, I now know everything about politics and can answer 100% of questions on political issues.  Just kidding.  But I know where I stand.

- Participated in a protest or some other kind of political event - Done!  Went to a few protests as part of the ISO, participated in lots of their events, and attended some protests with friends as well.

- Studied abroad - Nope :-/

- Learned a language other than Spanish - I took a semester of French!  But I don’t quite want to give myself credit for this one because I really would like to learn a different language to something resembling fluency.

- Run a marathon - Lmao.  I am in much worse shape now than I was when I wrote this post, and even at that time I could probably do like 7 miles if I really pushed myself.  How sad.

- Gone hiking outside of texas - This is weird because I’d literally already done this when I wrote this post.  But I’ve done it more since then, so hey!

- Been out of the country with a friend - This I had also already done.  I guess the point is to have done it without “adult supervision” or whatever.  I haven’t done this since writing this list so I guess I have to leave it uncrossed.

10 years:

- Lived with a girl for an extended period of time - Meesh 🥰

- Spent at least 6 months living on the road in an RV, preferably with a dog and a girl - God, I am so close to being able to do this.  I don’t want it to be an RV anymore - those things are expensive.  But a van?  Still pricey, but doable, especially if I’m willing to sacrifice some comfort.  This has actually been front-of-mind for a while.  I’ll let you know when I get the balls to pull the trigger.

- Started making Real Money - Well, yep, I have gotten to that point.  I do have other thoughts on this, though.  Money is weird, man.

- Lived in a long-term living space outside of Texas (i.e. not including RV time) - How long is long-term?  Three months?  If so, I’ve done this by living in Boston with Meesh for a few months after she went there for law school.  However, I anticipate staying there much longer in the near future, so I’ll wait on this crossing this one off.

- Written a book about something, idk - Not yet.  I’m halfway to the deadline on this one and I have some ideas, but ideas aren’t worth all that much, especially to me, who rarely sees them through.  We’ll see where this goes.  It’s not exactly a priority and historically I struggle to get even my priorities done.  It might make more sense to replace this with recording a concept or narrative album, for which I also have ideas that I happen to take more seriously.

- Learned to solve a 6x6 Rubik’s Cube - nope

- Gotten laid by solving a 6x6 Rubik’s Cube - nope

- Lived in an apartment where I pay all the rent - Yes!  :-))) We love independence

- Earned an advanced degree (this one’s iffy) - This hasn’t happened, and whether it will ever happen is something I’ve been thinking a lot about.  I sort of decided half-way through college that I would be totally burned out on school by the time I graduated.  But in retrospect it takes way less time to burn out on work than it does to burn out on school, and grad degrees are a different kind of thing.  So it’s worth revisiting.’

- Given a best man speech (Sam, this means you have to get married within the next 10 years.  Good luck out there.) - Holy shit, Sam, you maniac, you actually did it!  Sam got married back in 2019 and I gave his best man speech! It’s another one of my favorite memories :-) 

- Gone on a cruise with someone I’m dating - Hmm, not yet.  I’ve gone on cool trips, but none on a boat.  Maybe that’s something to aim for after the pandemic passes :-)

Retrospective:

1yr: Completed: 5/9

More than half isn’t bad!  I’m not gonna worry too much about whether I got these things done within their assigned “time-frame”.  I’m a procrastinator in my heart and I don’t see any reason to put that kind of pressure on myself.  The point is, they got done.  That’s enough for me.

The things I did best in in this category were academic things, and things to do with relationships.  I’m proud of the academic achievements, I really feel like doing them has increased my belief in myself and my sense that I’m good at the thing I’ve spent the last four years studying.  And of course, I am so happy to be in a loving, fulfilling relationship that brings so many good things into my life.  I almost feel like the things I accomplished sort of fell into my lap - of course I’m gonna do programming stuff as a programming student, and getting pets / going on road trips are things I did as a result of my relationship with Meesh.  I don’t say that to downplay the accomplishments, but I do think it’s worth noting.

The things I haven’t done are more to do with personal development, which is disappointing.  I would like to be able to say, 5 years down the road, that I’ve done the personal development I expected to do in just a single year, but maybe that’s a lot to expect.  These are problems I’ve dealt with my whole life.  I think what this means is that I can’t expect everything to fall into my lap.  Those things are going to take real concerted effort to change.  I’m not quite sure how to go about that, though.

2yrs: Completed: 4/6

Two-thirds!  Even better!

Lots of these are one-time accomplishments, not so much long-term commitments to personal development.  The good news is, I did them, and I think those resulted in some development in their own right :-)

Again, though, the things I didn’t do so well are the things that require long-term, concerted effort.  For instance, while I crossed off the one about experimenting with music, it’s really only the initial investment that I’ve really done at this point.  It remains to be seen whether I’ll be able to follow through on the commitment to actually experiment and learn.

3yrs: Completed: 4/10

This category also follows the same pattern I’ve noticed with the last two.  The other thing I’m noticing is that so, so much of my effort over the past few years has been going towards developing a very particular skill: programming / computer science.  Music and art are so important to me, but I’ve done very little real development in those areas.  I mean, I’ve done some.  But not as much as I would have hoped for half a decade.

5yrs: Completed: 4/10

This is getting a little more fun because less of my goals have to do explicitly with my degree.  I’m starting to think beyond college, which is good, because the stage of life I’m in right now requires me to start thinking about the kind of life I want to build now that I’m done with school.  Also, I’m at the deadline for this one right now!  So this is a particularly interesting category because it really shows where I thought I’d be by this time.

The goals I accomplished in this timeframe are, again, mostly things I’ve done through my relationship, but politics also feature pretty prominently on this part of the list.  I spent a lot of time reading and researching political issues during college and really did look for ways to participate.  I honestly made politics a pretty big part of my identity over the last 5 years, and I think it will stay that way forever, but I’ve gotten to the point where I think I need to devote less of my mental energy to knowing more.  I know what I need to know.  It’s time to think about other things.

10yrs: Completed: 4/11 (and counting!)

There’s some career stuff in this section that I’ve been able to do, which is good news.  I’ve always been scared about entering the working world.  All things told, it’s gone more smoothly than it could have.  But I also have lots of lingering doubts about what I want to do in the long term.  So one of the most pressing goals I should aim for is to resolve those doubts.

Ultimately, I have a lot of time left, and I’m not even done with this time frame, so I’m not gonna spend much time dissecting the things I haven’t done.  What I’ll do instead is say that while I didn’t do everything on this list, I feel proud of the things I have accomplished.  I said when I first wrote this list that it’s sometimes hard for me to feel that my life is moving in any particular direction, and I’m still feeling like that five years later, to be honest.  But looking back on these things has helped me see that I actually am making progress in my life.  Not in all the ways I want to, but that’s OK.  There’s still time.

In the next couple days I want to come back to this and reorganize this list into an updated set of goals, for the same time frames.  Maybe that will help me think through exactly what it is I want out of the next five-ten years, with the benefit of having analyzed the things that I did and didn’t do well over the previous five.

[jcmorgenstern]

@superohclair oh god okay please know these are all just incoherent ramblings so like, idk, please feel free to add on or ignore me if im just wildly off base but this is a bad summary of what ive been thinking about and also my first titans/batman meta?? (also, hi!)

okay so for the disclaimer round: I am not an actual cultural studies major, nor do I have an extensive background in looking at the police/military industrial complex in media. also my comics knowledge is pretty shaky and im a big noob(I recently got into titans, and before that was pretty ignorant of the dceu besides batman) so I’ll kind of focus in on the show and stuff im more familiar with and apologize in advance?. basically im just a semi-educated idiot with Opinions, anyone with more knowledge/expertise please jump in! this is literally just the bullshit I spat out incoherently off the top of my head. did i mention im a comics noob? because im a comics noob.

so on a general level, I think we can all agree that batman as a cultural force is somewhat on the conservative side, if not simply due to its age and commercial positioning in American culture. there are a lot of challenges and nuances to that and it’s definitely expanding and changing as DC tries to position itself in the way that will...make the most money, but all you have to do is take a gander through the different iterations of the stories in the comics and it’ll smack you in the fucking face. like compare the first iteration of Jason keeping kids out of drugs to the titans version and you’ve got to at least chuckle. at the end of the day, this is a story about a (white male) billionaire who fights crime.

to be fair, I’d argue the romanticization of the police isn’t as aggressive as it could be—they are most often presented as corrupt and incompetent. However, considering the main cop characters depicted like Jim Gordon, the guys in Gotham (it’s been a while since I saw it, sorry) are often the romanticized “good few” (and often or almost always white cis/het men), that’s on pretty shaky ground. I don’t have the background in the comics strong enough to make specific arguments, so I’ll cede the point to someone who does and disagrees, but having recently watched a show that deals excellently with police incompetence, racism, and brutality (7 Seconds on Netflix), I feel at the very least something is deeply missing. like, analysis of race wrt police brutality in any aspect at all whatsoever.

I think it can be compellingly read that batman does heavily play into the military/police industrial complex due to its takes on violence—just play the Arkham games for more than an hour and you’ll know what I mean. to be a little less vague, even though batman as a franchise valorizes “psychiatric treatment” and “nonviolence,” the entire game seems pretty aware it characterizes treatment as a madhouse and nonviolence as breaking someone’s back or neck magically without killing them because you’re a “good guy.” while it is definitely subversive that the franchise even considers these elements at all, they don’t always do a fantastic job living up to them.

and then when you consider the fetishization of tools of violence both in canon and in the fandom, it gets worse. same with prisons—if anything it dehumanizes people in prisons even more than like, cop shows in general, which is pretty impressive(ly bad). like there’s just no nuance afforded and arkham is generally glamorized. the fact that one of the inmates is a crocodile assassin, I will admit, does not help. im not really sure how to mitigate that when, again, one of the inmates is a crocodile assassin, but I think my point still stands. fuck you, killer croc. (im just kidding unfuck him or whatever)

not to take this on a Jason Todd tangent but I was thinking about it this afternoon and again when thinking about that cop scene again and in many ways he does serve as a challenge to both batman’s ideology as well as the ideology of the franchise in general. his depiction is always a bit of a sticking point and it’s always fascinating to me to see how any given adaptation handles it. like Jason’s “”street”” origin has become inseparable from his characterization as an angry, brash, violent kid, and that in itself reflects a whole host of cultural stereotypes that I might argue occasionally/often dip into racialized tropes (like just imagine if he wasn’t white, ok). red hood (a play on robin hood and the outlaws, as I just realized...today) is in my exposure/experience mostly depicted as a villain, but he challenges batman’s no-kill philosophy both on an ethical and practical level. every time the joker escapes he kills a whole score more of innocent people, let alone the other rogues—is it truly ethical to let him live or avoid killing him for the cost of one life and let others die?

moreover, batman’s ““blind”” faith in the justice system (prisons, publicly-funded asylum prisons, courts) is conveniently elided—the story usually ends when he drops bad guy of the day off at arkham or ties up the bad guys and lets the police come etc etc. part of this is obviously bc car chases are more cinematic than dry court procedurals, but there is an alternate universe where bruce wayne never becomes batman and instead advocates for the arkham warden to be replaced with someone competent and the system overhauled, or in programs encouraging a more diverse and educated police force, or even into social welfare programs. (I am vaguely aware this is sometimes/often part of canon, but I don’t think it’s fair to say it’s the main focus. and again, I get it’s not nearly as cinematic).

overall, I think the most frustrating thing about the batman franchise or at least what I’ve seen or read of it is that while it does attempt to deal with corruption and injustice at all levels of the criminal justice system/government, it does so either by treating it as “just how life is” or having Dick or Jim Gordon or whoever the fuckjust wipe it out by “eliminating the dirty cops,” completely ignoring the non-fantasy ways these problems are dealt with in real life. it just isn’t realistic. instead of putting restrictions on police violence or educating cops on how to use their weapons or putting work into eradicating the culture of racism and prejudice or god basically anything it’s just all cinematized into the “good few” triumphing over the bad...somehow. its always unsatisfying and ultimately feels like lip service to me, personally.

this also dovetails with the very frustrating way mental health/”insanity” or “madness” is dealt with in canon, very typical of mainstream fiction. like for example:“madness is like gravity, all it takes is a little push.” yikes, if by ‘push’ you mean significant life stressors, genetic load, and environemntal influences,  then sure. challenge any dudebro joker fanboy to explain exactly what combination of DSM disorders the joker has to explain his “””insanity””” and see what happens. (these are, in fact, my plans for this Friday evening. im a hit at parties).

anyway I do really want to wax poetic about that cop scene in 1x06 so im gonna do just that! honestly when I first saw that I immediately sat up like I’d sat on a fucking tack, my cultural studies senses were tingling. the whole “fuck batman” ethos of the show had already been interesting to me, esp in s1, when bruce was basically standing in for the baby boomers and dick being our millennial/GenX hero. I do think dick was explicitly intended to appeal to a millennial audience and embody the millennial ethos. By that logic, the tension between dick and Jason immediately struck me as allegorical (Jason constantly commenting on dick being old, outdated, using slang dick doesn’t understand and generally being full of youthful obnoxious fistbumping energy).

Even if subconsciously on the part of the writers, jason’s over-aggressive energy can be read as a commentary on genZ—seen by mainstream millennial/GenX audiences as taking things too far. Like, the cops in 1x06 could have been Nick Zucco’s hired men or idk pretty much anyone, yet they explicitly chose cops and even had Jason explain why he deliberately went after them for being cops so dick (cop) could judge him for it. his rationale? he was beaten up by cops on the street, so he’s returning the favor. he doesn’t have the focused “righteous” rage of batman or dick/nightwing towards valid targets, he just has rage at the world and specifically the system—framed here as unacceptable or fanatical. as if like, dressing up like a bat and punching people at night is, um, totally normal and uncontroversial.

on a slightly wider scope, the show seems to internally struggle with its own progressive ethos—on the one hand, they hire the wildly talented chellah man, but on the other hand they will likely kill him off soon. or they cast anna diop, drawing wrath from the loudly racist underbelly of fandom, but sideline her. perhaps it’s a genuine struggle, perhaps they simply don’t want to alienate the bigots in the fanbase, but the issue of cops stuck out to me when I was watching as an social issue where they explicitly came down on one side over the other. jason’s characterization is, I admit and appreciate, still nuanced, but I’d argue that’s literally just bc he’s a white guy and a fan favorite. cast an actor of color as Jason and see how fast fandom and the writer’s room turns on him.

anyway i don’t really have the place to speak about what an explicitly nonwhite!cop!dick grayson would look like, but I do think it would be a fascinating and exciting place to start in exploring and correcting the kind of vague and nebulous complaints i raise above. (edit: i should have made more clear, i mean in the show, which hasn’t dealt with dick’s heritage afaik). also, there’s something to be said about the cop vs detective thing but I don’t really have the brain juice or expertise to say it? anyway if you got this far i hope it was at least interesting and again pls jump in id love to hear other people’s takes!!

tldr i took two (2) cultural studies classes and have Opinions

[eldritchsurveys]

o62.

[[ Random Survey Questions // By @x-hallie-x​ ]] What is the most you’ve ever eaten in one sitting? >> I have no idea, really... probably like 7/8ths of a pizza? Or maybe something else. I also don’t pay a whole lot of attention, so, you know.

How often do you skip breakfast? >> “Breakfast” is a hard concept for me to lock onto, because I usually eat at some point after waking up, but it’s not like... a dedicated meal. I just eat when I’m too hungry not to.

What’s the longest you’ve gone without leaving the house? >> Here, probably five days or so.

Where are you going the next time you go out? >> Sparrow is going to this... idk, informal memorial thing or something for one of her grandparents so I guess I’m going with her lol.

Did/do you miss a lot of school or do you have a good attendance record? >> I had an impeccable attendance record until high school, and the only reason I didn’t have an impeccable one in high school is because I was in and out of the hospital by eleventh grade.

What are some weird habits you have while eating/about food in general? >> I don’t like certain textures (things being mushy when they’re not Supposed to be is the best example). Produce has to be inspected and vetted before I put it in my mouth; any imperfection is liable to put me off eating it. I don’t like messy sandwiches (have had shutdowns in restaurants because of messy burgers and such). Probably more, but I don’t really think about it until someone points it out or I inconvenience someone else with a habit of mine.

What kinds of things are likely to make you cry? >> Certain movies. Grey’s Anatomy. Some of the things Can Calah says. A lot of the things Wednesday says. That’s really it as far as “likely” is concerned.

What are some things that make others cry that don’t make you cry at all? >> Animal death and most people’s deaths (David Bowie was a special case and I’ll fight anyone about it) are the only things I can think of that are almost guaranteed to make other people cry but generally don’t affect me on that exact same level. Other than that, I feel like the things that make people cry are as varied as people themselves, and it’s really difficult to compare this sort of thing.

If you drink/smoke, how often do you do these things? >> As of the past month or so, I’ve been drinking significantly less in comparison to earlier habits. I opened a bottle of wine a couple of weeks ago and I only just drank the last of it a couple of days ago. I’ve had a four-pack of Backwoods Bastard for at least a week and a half, and I still have two left. I don’t even drink enough to get past tipsy anymore, I just kinda stop myself when I notice the “hey we feel great, so that means drink more!” impulse, because I know it’s a fallacy and it’s one discipline-related thing I can teach myself right now -- to ignore that voice. I don’t really just... sit and drink anymore, which is an improvement. I think it’s finally just lost most of its appeal -- alcohol is too much of a stressor on the body-mind and I’m tired of it. I don’t smoke anymore; I try to sometimes because I still have this pack of cloves and I’m just like “meh” every time. I would still smoke weed, though, but I don’t have access to that.

Where was the last place you went out to eat and what did you order?What do you think of fast food? >> I actually don’t remember... I’m sure we went out at some point after Chicago but I’m just blanking on it. So I’ll just say Nando’s, which was in Chicago, and we ordered wings and chips (and I got one of the custards). I like fast food, I think it’s great. I just can’t eat it often because I have a bougie body. (You can thank my father for that.)

What website do you spend the most time on and why? >> tumblr, because I genuinely enjoy it here.

What’s the most amount of time you’ve spent online? Is this usual for you? >> Like, in a day? All of it. And yeah, that’s pretty standard for me, although video games now influence how much time I’m actually on the web (as opposed to using the internet connection for the game).

What is something you daydream about often? >> I don’t know that I daydream. I am either in meatspace or inworld, but I don’t think I play around in dreamscapes much. Inworld kind of is like a dreamscape, in the sense that it’s sensitive to Our needs and wants and adapts accordingly, so I guess that limits my need for daydreaming...? I don’t know. When I do daydream it’s to get ideas for writing stuff, I think.

What is one belief you used to have, but no longer do? In what ways are you influenced by the opinions of others, if ever? >> I used to believe that my identity was set in stone and I couldn’t do anything about that. And I guess I’m reasonably influenced by the opinions of others -- like, I’ll always consider a convincing argument. I try not to get caught up too much in confirmation bias, but that’s always going to be a pitfall, too. Mostly I just try to keep an open mind, because it’s valuable to me not to get too tunnel-visioned or “this is how it is and anything else is wrong!” about anything. After all, what do I know, right?

What was the last thing to make you feel good about yourself? >> I don’t remember. Uncertainty (regarding myself, my development, my contribution to society, etc) has been a struggle lately, but I guess that’s just human.

How would you describe your overall (or preferred) personal aesthetic? >> Right now I’m just kind of a lazy goth/metalhead. It’s difficult for me to shop for clothing and I also don’t have a lot of money. Plus, it doesn’t matter as much to me as it did when I was a little younger and had to look like a goth fashion plate at all times. (I did look good, though! :p)

What kinds of small judgments are you likely to make about others? >> I make a lot of inconsequential snap judgements about people on tumblr, mostly, because that’s the most contact I have with strangers on a regular basis. You know, like... “oh god you must not get off tumblr much if you’re discoursing about whether aces belong in the queer community” or “oh my god you really can’t stand to see the word queer ever in your life? smh” stuff like that. Mostly because I’m fucking tired of the discourse, but luckily I don’t see much of it on my dashboard so I usually don’t have much snarky internal commentary to make. 

What was the last thing you did mostly because society expected you to? >> That’s a good question but I don’t remember, lol.

When was the last time you felt out of place? >> In “bougie Meijer” (the Meijer in Cascade, which is an upscale part of town... they have Tesla charger ports in the parking lot, if that’s any indication) earlier. It’s such a low-grade alienation that I don’t even notice it anymore, but like... just going a lot of places in Michigan makes me feel out of place and socially/culturally alienated. I have never belonged here and I don’t expect to ever feel like I belong here.

Do you believe in aliens, spirits, or angels of any sort? >> Sure. I see no reason not to.

In what ways are you superstitious? >> I’m not sure. I don’t think I am, really; I think I have a few minor compulsions at best, but I’m not really superstitious per se.

What is something you wish for right now? >> To not have a reproductive system.

Where was the last place you went walking and how far? Would you rather exercise alone or with other people? >> Uh... the mall, I guess? Does that count? LOL. Wasn’t very far. I don’t do much walking these days. And I don’t know, I’d just... rather not exercise at all. Doing it with others doesn’t really make it any more fun for me because that’s how much I hate it.

What kinds of nail polish colors do you prefer to wear? How about makeup? >> Black, usually. I like other colours, I just... feel more comfortable in black. I like gold and dark shimmery colours in makeup, and plum-toned lip colour.

How would you describe your own relationship with makeup? >> I don’t really have a relationship with it, I wear it sometimes for the lulz but usually I don’t have the patience for it. It’s a huge hassle for someone like me.

Who has been in your life the longest amount of time? What about the shortest? >> I think Elle has been in my life for the longest amount of time (9 years). Shortest... Rez, I think (maybe 7 or 8 months? idk time isn’t real).

Who was the last person to leave your life? How about return to it? >> I just realised some of these questions got mushed together when I copied it and they weren’t supposed to be answered that way, lmao. Oops. Oh well, what’s done is done. The last person to leave my life was Sigma and the last one to return to it was Hallie.

When it comes to travel, what kinds of places intrigue you most? >> Culturally-rich places, places where people look more like me, places where colonisation and/or Westernisation hasn’t completely supplanted the local culture and religion, places where nature isn’t treated like something to conquer.

Do you think humans colonizing Mars is a good idea? Would you go, if you could? >> I think it’s an amazing idea, and I love it. Whether it’s a “good” idea or not is better argued by people who have knowledge of these things. I don’t know if it’s a “good” idea or not, but I know it makes me very excited, and that’s all I can speak about. I would absolutely go if I could.

What is the farthest you’ve walked in one day and what made you do it? >> Probably a few miles. Well, there was one time when I was stuck in North Carolina and I wanted out and I... well, it’s a long story, lmao, I’ll certainly tell it but not in the middle of a survey. I’ve also walked many city blocks in a day when I lived in New York, for funsies or for free travel... but I don’t know how to translate that unit of measurement into more standard units.

Why do or don’t you prefer to make New Year resolutions? If you make them, what kinds are likely to stick? >> I don’t make them because there’s no way a New Year resolution is going to stick any harder for me than it would if I made the resolution any other time of year. I think NYRs are cool and fine, they just are ineffective for me personally. Also, I try not to put that kind of pressure on myself unless it’s absolutely necessary, and if it is, then it doesn’t matter what time of year it is.

Do you have a chore/housecleaning routine or anything like that? >> Not... really. 

How organized would you say your living space is? >> My room is vaguely disorganised only because my storage options are limited and the space is small so things get out of hand really quickly. It does bother me but I try not to get too far into my head about it because honestly, it really isn’t that big a deal, I’m just crazy. The rest of the apartment is in various stages of array or disarray because Sparrow, lol.

What is one thing your ideal living situation would include? >> A big bathroom with a big glass-door shower with dark stone instead of white tile. (Or maybe no doors. Just the showerhead(s) and a sloped floor for proper drainage. I don’t know, I just have this badbrains complex about small white bathrooms with a lot of “hidden”/hard-to-clean nooks that’s really been ruining my life.)

What is something important that’s often on your mind lately? >> Me. Hurr hurr. :B Uh... I can’t think of anything specific, you know, it’s just... life. Things about me and my development, things about how I can be a “good/better” (that’s not the word set I would use exactly, but you know what I mean... like “effective” but not quite so clinical) SO, things about being human and what it means for me to be human, things about my fear of death and how to deal with it, things about how to help myself since I can’t seem to get any professional help, adulting things like finances and stuff, and so on.

What about something unimportant, but you can’t stop thinking about it? >> Hmm... I don’t know! Probably like... how much I miss NOLA. That ain’t important. But it feels important to me! :’(

Do you find it easier to forgive yourself or others? >> I don’t really think about forgiveness, it’s not a concept that has much use for me. I really do think it’s like... a religious sort of thing, like a ritualistic “I have let go of this thing for the moral good” kind of cathartic... rite??? I don’t know. All I know is that I’ve never felt the need to make a point to Forgive Someone. It always seemed like an extra step, like... I’ve already processed this pain and I’m learning how to accept myself as this new creature with this new scar and I’m moving on with my life... oh, wait, now I have to Forgive too? I’m already moving on! Isn’t that the same thing? Or like, if I let someone back into my life, then I have to Forgive them too? That isn’t the same thing???? It really confuses me and I know sometimes I just sound Dense or like I’m playing dumb or something but like... listen, I live in this brain, and it works the way it works. Sue me. And if I’m not wreaking bloody vengeance on you, then just... call it “forgiven” if you must, and let’s move on! Please, for our fathers’ sake! :’)

Have you ever had to call 911? For who/what reason? >> Yeah. My first boyfriend, Tommy, was an addict and overdosed twice in one week. I had to call the ambulance both times. (His GP had prescribed him a giant ass bottle of Vicodin for this “old injury” pain he complained of. When I say “giant”, I mean like... there were 150 pills in there. I remember this because the EMTs had me count how many were left, and it was something like 70. He’d only gotten them a few days prior, like a week prior at most. They made me count twice because it seemed so implausible to them. But nope! His GP was a fucking idiot and he was a career addict!!! It be’s like that!!!!!) (And THEN, to top it off, this fucking dude came over and brought drugs with him! And gave them to Tommy! He got his ass beat in the hospital elevator by Tommy’s best friend and threatened into disappearing, though, so that solved that problem. (I know because I was there.)) Great story, huh! I was also still in pharmacy tech school at this time! I did my homework in the ER! I don’t think I knew what sleep was for a week! ...I know there are a lot of exclamation points in here and it looks like I’m still upset, but actually I’m just fucking amazed at some of my experiences sometimes. Like... and yet! I’m still out here!!!!

What was the last book you purchased? Have you started reading it yet? >> The last book I bought was... hmm... I don’t remember. But the last book I was bought was A Book That Takes Its Time, which Hallie bought me because I thought his copy was so neat :’) <3 I read one chapter, I think (it’s not a reading-book as much as a, like... doing-book, a contemplating-book), but then other stuff took precedence so I haven’t gotten back to it yet. Soon! I promise :p

Do you like oatmeal? If so, what kinds of things do you like in it? >> I do! I haven’t eaten it lately because I don’t eat a lot of heavy stuff in the summertime, but I love it in fall and winter. I usually just put ghee and cinnamon and honey or maple syrup in mine. Very filling, hehe.

What was going on the last time you felt nostalgic? >> I was thinking about when I lived in 7F, and like... there’s no way I would ever, ever, want to go back to living in that rundown NYCHA apartment where I slept on the living room floor along with anywhere from 1 to 4 other people (sometimes up to 6 on random nights), where I had nothing to myself and I was at the whim of the leaseholder (who could be capricious sometimes, just like us all), and where I basically spent 90% of my time intoxicated in some way just to... not fall into the black pit of despair or boredom or loneliness. I don’t. I would be perfectly happy to never see it again barring maybe a couple of visits in the future, if that’s a thing that happens. But nostalgia is patently stupid, and it tries to form unnecessary attachments to every memory, and so sometimes I’m like “damn, them were the days” and like, really, Shadow? Really? Them were NOT the days. ...But one thing I will say-- I’ve got some great stories from living in that apartment.

How much attention do you pay to the movements of the stars and planets, and do you believe they influence anything? >> I pay a moderate amount of attention... like, I could definitely stand to pay more attention, because I do find it interesting, but I just never make time for it, yanno. I think it’s perfectly reasonable to assume their influence in our lives, since we’re all star-stuff and ~cosmic relativity~ and... I don’t know. It just gels very well with my worldview (my universe-view, if you will) and I don’t see any reason to debunk it just for the sheer sake of... cynicism, or whatever gets people hard these days.

When was the last time you were afraid to tell someone something? >> I really don’t remember.

When was the last time something didn’t go the way you expected it would? >> When I went to the Love Wins thing and the Blue Bridge did NOT light up rainbow at nightfall!!!! I was mad as hell, lmao. I wanted to show Hallie.

What is the most difficult or involved video game you’ve ever played? >> Hmm.... Silent Hill 4? That was a long time ago, though, so my memory of its difficulty might be skewed by exactly how bad I was at video games back then. Maybe WoW, because it’s an MMO with a lot of elements, and it took me a long time to figure out all those elements -- but once I did, it really helped me with other games, so I really enjoy how the learning curve is getting smoother and smoother with the more games I play. It’s kind of like muscle memory but also like... just pattern recognition, really.

What was the last thing you just couldn’t understand? >> Why people glorify terrible child-raising practices instead of thinking, “you know, maybe that was fucked up and maybe I shouldn’t repeat it”. I also still can’t fucking understand why Jay sent me a friend request on facebook. HE KNOWS WHAT HE DID!!!! WE ARE NOT FRIENDS

Other than this survey, what was the last question you were asked that you didn’t want to answer? >> The last question that I was asked that I didn’t want to answer.... yeah, I really don’t know??? I just have a hard time remembering this kind of thing unless there was specific reason for me to hang onto it and rehash it in my mind or whatever. idk! good survey tho. :B

[cicinicole-14]

coco’s college story

I just need to vent and get things off my chest. this is going to be quite long, and I’m going to add more to this, but we’re starting a new segment on this blog called #coco’s college story. I’m going to get personal and real and you don’t have to read, but I just need to write it all out. feel free to come talk if you feel inclined to. and since this will be long, I’ll put it under the cut. lets hope everything is spelled right...

college really sucks sometimes. I’m really stressed out from it and I have no idea what to do or what I am doing. 

I’m going to start at the beginning, or try to at least. which, brings me to grade 11. I think this is really where it started. everyone was starting to take the ACT/SAT (American standardized tests required for most college admittance) and I hadn’t even begun to think where I truly wanted to go for college. yet some kids in my class had already started applying wtf. all I thought I knew was that a. I wanted to go out of state and b. I wanted to go far from home and c. I wanted to be a doctor. 

summer of 2016 (summer after I finished 11th grade) I was in Virginia visiting my best friend Autumn (she plays a huge role in this). Autumn is 6 months older than me and would be at this time starting her first semester at GMU in the fall of 2016. so she asked me where I wanted to go to school. my reply? “haha that’s a great question!!! I have no fucking clue.” (literally word for word) and she was like “apply to GMU!!!” and I was like, “dude, Noah fence but you’re going there to be a hISTORY major and I literally slept thru that class for all of middle and high school. nah fam” and she’s like “yeah, but they have a great science program and then you can go to Hopkins after.” so I was like ok maybe. so I did what everyone does best: listed my pros and cons

pros: 

going to school w/ bff since age 3

1,025 miles from home and from my mother* 

good science program so I can be a dr?? 

location wise: gr8 bc autumn’s fam lived 2hrs north and my stepsister (who I’m close with) lived 2hrs NE and its a 2hr plane ride home to florida

cons: 

is hella expensive**

1,025 miles from home 

current number of people I know going to this school: 1 (and pls note: I hate doing things alone even tho I love to be alone. idk how to explain this but like like I enjoy being alone but I don’t like being alone. I know some of y’all understand this?)

leaving friends I have in florida

tbh, the pros outweighed the cons and I applied to GMU and I was accepted. (I applied to other schools and got accepted to one and denied at another because they closed the program I was applying for but I can assure u had they not, I would’ve gotten accepted)anyway, I took my ACT in October of 2016 and got accepted to gmu in December of 2016. I think that’s really when the stress started kicking in, because while I was happy to be accepted to my dream school, I had a lot of emotions I wasn’t ready for and then later on experienced them. 

2017 started off decently. I went into the second semester of senior year knowing I was accepted and 100% planning on going to my dream school, ready for a new future, ready to leave Florida, excited about going to Italy that march with my class etc… 

but it also brought hard times because I ended my friendship with one of my best friends in the whole world: olivia. we were inseparable and had been for 8 years and knew each other for 13 years. it was seriously really hard, especially because not only was I close to her, I was close with her mom, little brother, big sister, niece and nephews. it really sucked. 

and, I had the daunting task of telling my mother I was going to Virginia for college. 

now, as some of you may know, my relationship with my mother is very strained. and whenever I refer to my “parents” on Tumblr, I’m talking about my dad and stepmom, because I always refer to my mom (as mother) separately. and add to the fact, my mother flipped out on autumn’s mom a few years ago and told them to never speak to me again. so, since I was 12 years old, my mom has had no idea I’ve kept in touch with autumn and still has no idea I go to school with autumn. (my dad and stepmom love her family and her and see no problem with them same as me and she’s my best friend and my mother has issues we will not be addressing rn) anyway, so I didn’t tell my mother I got accepted to GMU until April of 2017. (mind you, I found out mid-december and my dad found out when I got the email because I made Claudia stop the car before we headed to a Christmas party lol) and so I told my mom in April that I was going to GMU and she asked me if autumn went there and I lied right thru my teeth and told her I had no fucking clue because we weren’t friends, remember? and that was one big thing that really started the stressing because a. I didn’t have olivia there as my bff to help me thru the stressful time, and b. I so badly wanted my mother to be happy for me but I knew deep down she really wasn’t because she also flipped out a bit and was like “wtf ur going to college? u leave in august?” and I was like yeah, what did you expect me to do?” and honestly, she was angry about it, but I was an adult, its my life and she had no say in where or whether or not I was going to college. 

so, fast forward to college. idk how chronological this will be so we’re just going to list some stressors I’ve had with college. 

it’s 1,025 miles away from home

I grew up in a town in Florida, in the same neighborhood I was brought home from the hospital in (I almost said same house, but I moved down the street long story…) I went to a preschool from ages 2-4 and then started elementary and middle school ages 5-13 at one school and then half of my eight grade class went to my high school. and I was there for four years. these people were family. out of the 7 people who went to high school with me, 4 I knew since kindergarten, one I knew since fifth grade and the other since sixth and the last one was me. and I made two friends (chelsey and Claudia) in ninth grade who are my sisters. I love them both so much. I would talk thru fire for them (and autumn, Robyn and belle ofc but we’re talking about my friends at home) anyway, I grew up there. Florida is my home. I like small places. I lived in a kinda small city in my two bedroom condo with my parents and doggo and I had neighbors who I’d known most of my life. my whole family was in Florida basically, minus my aunt (dad’s sister who we visit in NY or she’d visit us).

I was leaving my friends

I went from seeing Claudia every day in school, and once every two weeks during the summer or a few times a week because of our movie dates lol, and chelsey who graduated the year before me and lived an hour away from me at home, made it a point to still come to my school to see me and sleep over at my house, and then during the summer she came over once a week and stayed over. I saw them all the time. we’re three peas in a pod. I saw them a lot. and I only have 5 really close friends. friends I would walk thru fire for, and trust with my life. mentioned above: Claudia, chelsey, autumn, Robyn and belle. and we all have different relationships. autumn moved away when I was 11 and I coped with that in middle school (another dark time in my life) and I learned to live with that. Robyn and belle I met over Tumblr, so I’d never entertained the prospect of seeing them regularly. (tho Robyn and I have kinda made a pact of visiting each other during the summer and thus every other summer I get to see belle when Its my turn to visit Canada) but chelsey and claudia? I saw them a lot, and I hadn’t had to cope with a friend, who I saw a lot and was inseparable with, be away from me for a huge long period of time in a long time (age 11). and to add to the fact, both chelsey and Claude go to school at home and they became close with my family too so like idk it all just kinda fell apart 

I get really homesick/leaving my parents and dog

this one wasn’t as bad solely because, I left home august 2nd. I was traveling by myself most of this month. I saw my parents at the end of the month when they held me move in for college. then, I got a surprise visit from them and my doggo in September because they drove up to my sister’s house 2 hrs from my school to escape the hurricane that was to hit Florida (bless, my house was fine). then I saw them again in October, because my sister got married!!! and thanksgiving I saw them again, November, because ofc its thanksgiving ill see them, even though it flew by. and now here, its December and I’m going home for a month. so I’ll see them thru January. and then lbr, because my dad works in Maryland a lot, he’s probably gong to be up north most of 2018 too and he vowed to visit me when he could because he’s a mush and misses his kid even if he denies it. also, the homesickness; I don’t like being away from people/be by myself in a house for an extended period of time, but I kinda built up my tolerance because my dad travels a lot and I have speration anxiety from it (he travelled all my life and I was left with my mother for a lot of it so stress but I built up a tolerance for it when I was like 15 and my homesickness started getting better from then on out) and like I did really well when I spent 8 days in Italy without my parents etc which I only had 1 tiny little freak out and Claudia helped me thru it and was proud at the fact that I only had one like 2 days in to the trip and was fine after that. 

my life plan

holy f u c k. ever hear the saying like “you plan and god laughs”? well, holy fuck, it can’t be more true. I don’t care what god or thing you believe in, its fucking true. I’m a planner. not a detailed one, but its a rough outline, I have a plan of my life, roughly outlined; its got a few bullet points mainly looking like this:

my life:

go to college out of state

make money

be a doctor in the nicu

be a mom/foster/adopt kids

own lotsa pets

have enough money to build my own house

were going to focus on the “be a doctor” point. because this is where everything got fucked. 

since I was five years old, five. I wanted to be a doctor. since that age, I narrowed down the specifics and specialty etc. I picked out what school I wanted to go to for medical school and whatnot. I’ve wanted to be a doctor since I was five fucking years old. 

college has since changed that plan...

about a month into school this semester, I changed my major of–––biology degree> medical school> be a doctor to uh, now I’m currently in the pre-nursing (BsN) program at my college (and I’m minoring in photography, but that I knew about and hasn’t changed). I remember this day very clearly when I decided. it was a Monday. idk the date, but it was Monday and I was sitting in the JC (the main campus building) with autumn eating food and I was like “I’m having a crisis and I want to change my major to nursing” and so then I called my dad and told him I was going to do it. thankfully my while family was very supportive (minus my mother I have not talked to her since September[?]***)

so that happened, and threw me for a loop. 

college is just extremely different in general.

I really don’t even know how else to categorize this. so here are just random things. 

professors are weird. all of them. no matter their age: which this ranges too because I have some that are like two coughs away from dying and others who are literally only like 5 years older than me… fucking weird. 

your syllabus is your fucking roadmap. don’t fucking lose it. 

nothing ever gets graded at a decent time. I literally got two papers back without grades on them and they aren’t online either but the prof said that they’re recorded in the gradebook he has so like????

I grew up going to private christian schools since I was 2… which means no cussing in class and wearing a uniform and your parents drive you to school, we don’t have busses. 

college: no dress code. I wore pj’s (with jack skellington on them) to class and Christmas and halloween printed leggings and hoodies with just a bra underneath and fucking whatever the hell I wanted to class, strapless/sleeveless dresses, whatever. my professors cusses in classes/lectures. I was taken back by this at first. but thoroughly loved the chillness and laid-backness that classes had tho because I could say whatever I wanted (vulgarity wise). and I now blame my worsening swearing habit on college because I’m not in christian private school or nannying 3x a week anymore so I haven’t needed to curb my language… walking…everywhere… I live on campus in a dorm without a car (autumn has one but we really only use it to run errands on Fridays) and damn that was a shock. because while yes, I lived in a smallish city and there was a Walmart and dollar store close to my house to walk to if I was bored, I didnt really walk much, we drove a lot. because my school was 15 miles away. and like idk nothing wasn’t super close. and now here that I live on campus, my whole life is here. I eat sleep and breathe campus, so I walk everywhere. to all my classes, to get food, well thats basically it because thats all college leaves you time for… 

college is stressful. 

and finally, here are more things that I wasn’t expecting. 

I didn’t realize it was going to be this difficult. Im currently taking 6 classes (16 credits altogether) and out of those 6 classes, I’m currently passing 2 I think? college is fucking hard. it didn’t help that I had a few major major major anxiety attacks and literally disassociated with everything for a week, two different times, plus I got sick with a nasty ass cold, and like idk, just it sucked. I moved 1,025 miles from home and then homesickness an that reality of “I’m living a thousand miles from home by myself” hit me. and I literally know no one here except autumn who I see once a week on Fridays. (because we both have off) and like it killed me. I left my only home I’ve ever known. I moved my whole life here. and I had a shocking realization that yeah, I’m going to Florida during breaks and whatnot, but I left Florida August 2, 2017 and I knew it was for good. I packed up my whole room last summer and knew that when I got on the plane, I wasn’t going to ever be coming back home home for good. I left my keys on the kitchen counter and said goodbye to my room. and yes, its still my room, but it’s been a guest room for the past few months and its not my room anymore. I did move out. and so that hit me too. 

and I’m alone here. I had a mental breakdown one day when I was texting chelsey and Claudia and all I really wanted was a hug from them but they’re a thousand miles away and couldn’t give me one, so I was stuck crying in the middle of our campus chick-fil-a. and so I texted autumn at 9am on a Thursday and she came in her pj’s and walked across campus to give me a hug so I could hug her, cry on her shoulder and breathe a little easier. 

and while I know this decision to move states away and leave everything I’ve ever known was hard, I know it was the right decision and the best decision I ever made, and the scariest.

I know that because if I went to school at home, I would Never have ended up moving out. I know I needed to experience college dorm life, and living by myself more, and being independent. I know for my health––mentally, physically, spiritually and emotionally––it was for the better. mentally: I am able to escape my mother being here where she can’t visit me or I won’t run into her here. physically: I walk everywhere and I’m attempting to eat healthier etc… spiritually: I’ve had a rough time with my faith, but I’m a christian and like autumn helps me a lot with this in strengthening my faith etc etc, (I’m more spiritual than religious) and emotionally: I’ve been able to heal and accept who I am, and I came out as bi to my friends, currently 4/5 of them and all of you guys. its a new zone here and I can live and be free and be me. I don’t have to worry about the people I knew from high school judging me because I’m bi and we went to a christian school etc. I’m who I am here and my decision to move here has helped me grow. 

and also, yeah, I’m stressing currently about my future, but I’m going to take it a day at a time. I’m failing classes right now, but I’ve realized thats because I haven’t been on my A-game. I went thru a major life change, I’ve had a bit of family health issues, I’ve had to deal with a lot of issues and stress surrounding my mother and my relationship with her since starting college, and like a lot more, and so I have decided that while I had a mental breakdown about not making it into the nursing program, I’m going to take it slowly. fuck doing this all “fast and in four years and yada yada”. Its only been one semester, this is a whole new ballgame for me. college is so different from high school. so, I’m going to be better next semester, focus more on my passions, maybe take summer classes, and not pressure myself to be in the nursing program in my 3rd year, take my time. there’s no rush. 

notes:

*– mother and I have a very strained relationship due to her years of mental abuse (and very little but still prevalent physical abuse) towards me. I’ve been trying to get out from under her thumb since I was 10. moved in with my dad when I was 12 but since he travelled for work a lot, I stayed with mother etc until I was about 15 when I stayed with friends or by myself. and so being away from her like this has only brought peace and less fights because I don’t have to see her or talk to her

**– college out of state tuition is hella fucking expensive, but thankfully, my granddad had set aside money for his grandkids (there’s only 2 of us, me and my cousin Kiersten who is out of college now) and has put us thru school (private school) our whole lives. we have been blessed so very graciously with being able to go to any school we chose debt free because our grandpa has it covered no questions asked and truly its the best thing ever because while I grew up not worrying about tuition, I still grew up with a tight family income because mom had a fixed income and then when I moved in with dad, he worked for himself, so he has seasonal work… some months its great, other months were scrounging for the last few dollars to put food on the table… 

***–since moving to college and being out from under my mother’s thumb, I’ve been talking with my parents (again remind u this means dad and stepmom) about me needing to learn to heal and forgive and just live my life and I can’t do that if I keep having my mother call or text me or expect me to visit her etc… I’m an adult. I’m going home this Christmas to tell her that if she wants to be my mother in the long run, she needs to play by my rules, and this is now going to happen my way. I need to cut contact with her for however long. and she’s not to reach out to me. I need to be the one to do it because if she pushes it, our relationship is so strained right now because of her actions, if she attempts anymore, she’s going to lose me forever as her daughter and deep down, we both don’t want that. so I need space and need to learn how to forgive her. and she needs to get help and learn to be a better person herself. she needs to do a lot of things I’m not going to get into here but yeah, basically. 

so that’s it. this was really long and I’m sorry about that. if y’all feel inclined to talk to me about any of this, feel free to do so. I needed to talk through this. I’m probably going to talk about #coco’s college story a bit as my life goes on. I will keep everyone updated. college is stressful, and crazy, and scary and wild and fun and terrifying and a lot of emotions mixed in one

xx cici 

[trans-advice]

This isn't completely trans related, but I like the advice on this page so I thought I would give it a shot. SO, recently when hanging out with my friends, I feel like I'm not ever relaxed, and I am holding myself back. I try and try to relax bc they are my best friends, but something won't let me. I have been pondering being NB lately. Idk if thats the reason, or if theres something else. Has anyone else experienced this? How can I overcome this? Thx.

While my first reactions are it could be many things, I'll start with a personal account of how gender can screw up my desire to be with other people. Then I'll follow up with other things it could be. It doesn't have to be gender, but gender could be related to your problem(s).It seems every few months I come out to my parents, it's rough for them to accept which happens over a month, then the accept me for 2 weeks or so although they call me by a variety of names including my deadname, they definitely misgendering me more than not etc. then they don't gender me correctly at all & stuff. Honestly, it hurts me because although I live with them, I'm so hurt at home already that I can barely find the energy to go out, to the point that I never do. It gets to the point where I head back into the closet because it's so dark, and I'm hurt, and I already prefer nonbinary identity in professional contexts since in such contexts were supposed to be impersonal/tools which I feel so hurt into feeling dehumanized. Yeah. It's bad. On the plus side though they are able to help/tolerate my other mental illnesses & I make like no money, so they help provide about half my livelihood. I'm a mess, but that's where I'm at in life. Joy. Just joy.Also I stayed away from people from 6th grade onward outside of school because I had to much homework & the misgendering & thereby the social interactions I could do were horrid stressors. But I loved goofing off in school... I'd be a serious student, but yeah... I only socialized in school. That might be introversion though. Lovely.Now, other things that could be making you feel not relaxed... • Introversion (Personally, I seem to go back & forth on that one, lol.)• Other life events you're dealing with (uh... Work, schoolwork, that crisis in-between "mid-life" where you want to do stuff & "existential" where you're like what am I even doing?)• ¿mental health? (I got diagnosed with bipolar when I was 8, and most get diagnosed in their 20s, so yeah...)• Allergies?• Heck, diet? (That would be the point of elimination diets. Maybe see a doctor?)Anywho it could be anything, your gender identity can play a role in it though. Honestly, you may want to talk to like a doctor or therapist who isn't transphobic & will keep your queerness status away from your parents (if such exist) to try and figure out what's stressing you.♣, Peace & Love,-- Eve

[bonobojosocialcommand-blog]

My name is Raven Gray and I have a story to tell.

Raven is a trickster in the prevailing view of mythology of which I know very little of and profess to know even less in the era of falsified understanding and also, that there is a whole system of thought here that I can only illuminate as the aptitude of my archetype would allow, that of a guide for travelers, as I assume we all are on some level, traveling from one universal guise to the next, some thru the underworld and some in the more bracing and binding spot light of the mainstream that, in this rendition of the world and it’s ways, went thru a time of crisis and a time of change and ultimately a transformation of which this narrative talks of deeper things in the CDN context, ciphered in order to deflect the idea that I can do anything about the current problems I have and so have created this fantasy-scape in order to escape from the bondage of duality and the menace of plurality and the demonized universality that I encounter daily, no I write this as a warning and as a piece of satire and as a filament of revenge and a notation to the Goddess that I seek to serve her and in what regard does Kali require me to be a warrior on the field of battle because underworld guise is a short-form for corruption and so this is not something you can do for very long before you realize, your an outlaw in a broken system.  

Now how did I manage that?

I can’t really say so I will disclose what it was like to be sixteen at a time when context collapsed, noticeably speaking.  

My parents are my guardians and they work for the State in one capacity for another, in the medical system, coming home one day with sorrow in their eyes but saying very little.  I didn’t know what to make of this because I stay home from school, home schooled by a neighbor and only going into town once or a twice a week for supplies and to say hi to people that have ties to the rural economy, whatever that happens to be in this instance.  We are a town on the lake,and big money on the lake too, always been there, more on the American side of things, Hollywood choosing NWO as being the place to coincide with their desire for privacy.  The timber mills have been revived recently but it’s all robots, and the tourism, well, my parents kept me away from it.  They keep me out of sight, really, and it’s been like that for a long time.  I lasted one year in school and my parents pulled me out after that year.  I can’t really say what happened, it was too long ago but whatever the case may be, I had a surprise the next morning when my dad was on the phone, usually emphatic about things, curiously defeated and laconic in his ministration to me after he clicked off from her.

Do what she wants.

I always do, I said.

No, really, he said.  If she says to lick her ass, do it.

I’m sure it won’t be necessary I said but my ears burned and my mom wouldn’t let me out the door.

You look like a disgrace right now.  Go up and change your fucking shirt.  Tighter pants.  And fucking do something about your breath.  Stupid fuck.

I ignored her.  I always do because I can for some reason, something about the way I got here and the way it went at school, I live at home and I educate myself continually on anything and everything available.  I want to be a commando some day and my mom assures me I will, when she’s not bitching at me to take care of my physical appearance.  I took my time and she took it as a signal to show up, unannounced.  She’s not my real mom, I don’t have a real mom that I know about, not in the real sense of being related by virtue of exception; I seem to be exceptional and that is not my doing and not for me to know what’s been chosen for me, and why I should abide by that social selection.  She told me to not wear underwear.

I said what?

You want to be a commando right?

Oh fuck off.

She hit me with the back of her hand.

Off.

Fuck you.

What?  Do you know what could happen if you don’t go over there and it goes well.  Do you know what could happen to us?

No…what…fuck man…stop scaring me…why can’t you say something about this…I told you…

Because there is no fucking way, don’t you get it…we are on the wrong side and you aren’t on any side, don’t you understand…you read A Star Named Henry like we told you right?  Just fucking do it Raven fuck man I don’t have time for this fuckery, I have my own things to do before…

Oh God I thought but it came out of my mouth and I cautiously brought down my jeans and let my guardian pick the outfit for what was supposed to be a yard work gig followed by some kind of tutoring for a friend from Taiwan?

Just make it works she said, pointing at the thing between my legs.  What is that?

What?

That?

It’s your foreskin.

Yes.

Yes.  

Wait…

I can’t believe she did that but walking out the door, I didn’t feel undesirable even if I had to go and clean something, realizing suddenly what will happen if it’s not that way…

And as I try to learn from life, that is a lesson in being good to yourself…

I remember this time very well for what came later.  It was a crisis and people were dying.  I know because I saw them on the road, in the cars, other cars pulled up and they were just looking around and I melted by on my bike and they didn’t see me go by or at least I didn’t think so because I was up above on the roads above the highway, paved and discrete from the gravel interstice of the old mining sector and a necessary risk when going to see Addie Packer and her friend Minnie from Taiwan, a young exchange student who fortuitously, answered the door without looking this way or that, asking me how the weather was.  I was about to say…

And they held up their hands.

It’s the white terror but now it’s gray terror and people are scared about the focus of the surveillance that has taken over the public trust without scaling itself as anything.  I know what happened with Snowden but I don’t trust it in the sense that he depends on Russia for his abiding safety from the USA, maybe it is the USSA at this point…like how does this even work and so I’m not Snowden but I also recognize when people are looking at me and so they are scared, not so much about the cocaine they have hidden in the compost toilet of the cabin way up in the mining zone of Timber Town, and how that works for the people who come from LA and Berlin and Moscow to party in places that are so discrete, you would think there was something in the hillside.  I know from my sojourns there is something to think about here, and this part of the world, NWO, it’s perfect in the central sense of being central, close to the center of the Country and where the State retreated too when Canada fell apart for the last time, and the Resistance scattered, things looking dire here and so Taiwan has a certain interest in placating this particular aberration while it lasts, it’s only been two days without police on the job and we can say light entertainment on television where the death panels aren’t operating and you can’t see anything that you don’t want to, so we have to put up our own show and it was easy to see what it would be now that I’m in the mode.  Waiting in the wings was hard to do in the sense that I always knew I had a purpose, and as a frame of reference, I had to express myself and not betray any hint of the calamity happening off-screen, in non-data world and in the involuntary mixture of finances, crimes and investor confidence such as the terminal liquidity of the dollar ended and the yuan was too toxic to be spent on necessities and so things became social currency in so many ways, hence the brick of cocaine and the handguns.

We spent some time shooting that day.  I had a Mauser 9mm they had Glocks, they had an AK that had a buck to it.  They gave me a .32 to use in case something crazy happened when I went to certain people’s houses as I went to do the yard work and there was no one there.  I came home and my mother started to cry.  I turned around and said, what can I do about this and went waited on the steps of their house until they came home, surprised to see me still there after three hours in the cold, waiting for someone to come by, knowing what was at stake if I didn’t show up.  After that, and what happened, the risk to me, they sent me to Addie and Minnie to get sorted out and get in play of where I need to be when I needed to be there.  My parents had time to hide and so they did.  The team that showed up.  Couldn’t get in.  Couldn’t get it.  They could get me but they didn’t want me like that and so finally the Stressors came home and Mrs. Stressor told me that I looked like I was a wraith and I should wear baggier clothes.  But at the same time, the woodshed needed to be cleaned and so could I please go there and start?

It was a much delayed event.  Once you get sucked into this headspace you realize how macabre it is to think attention is connection, yes it is, but there is something else there too and IDK what it is.  Man cannot live on bread alone and people watching other people don’t have agency like they think because on the outside at the outset, the woman in question had control.  But I was the object of desire and there was some kind of moment of decision that had left normal parlance in the dust and so there weren’t words for how she felt and she just cried and cried and cried and said sorry, I didn’t mean to hurt anyone…

And then we had to lay down and yes, I did lick her asshole…and she paid me to do so and paid me to be around, to keep her company and to talk to people for her such as it was underworld guise to do so.  That was the code for corruption such as Canada became too corrupt, too evil and an extra-judicial State form of tribunal came from abroad and deposed the weak central authority until they ran for parts North of Winnipeg, but really Minaki, that’s where the State ended up.  Why there is always killing involved in power politics, doesn’t have to be but for some reasons, these idiots thought it was fine to take a shot at the State or what’s left of it and greased some innocent people.  No?  What is this then, and who made these friends of my family so unhappy?  I can’t tell for sure because I know nothing of the world outside my home town for not having been there in time, that is I traveled when I was young, to New York, Cape Town, Mumbai and Jerusalem, my real parents disappeared, my guardians are religious folk with ties to evangelicals but also involved in organized crime that I learned about slowly as it was obvious who I was to be if they could outlast the present regime of terrorists.

Now it’s gray terror and it’s all fucked up.  

I was going to leave the Stressor’s but Mr. Stressor told me to stay and we went out on the deck and he started up the BBQ.  I asked him what he thought and he said of what.

Of me giving you a blowjob right now.

Oh IDK about that.

No?

What did you want?

Well…

Oh I see, how about we wait for another day and involve your friend in there…

How do you mean?

Well, I’ll sketch it out for you electronically and get back to you…people need to see something to calm them during this time of uncertainty…I hate gray terror, it’s social extortion, but where is the State?

In hiding, in Minaki.

I’m as much the State of influence at 16 and doing what for this man for others to see as desperation equity, like these people want some kind of fleshly tribute and in that way all I can do is thank Google for the pop-up historicfact, Rome was run by prostitutes in the Tenth Century and the Pope was assassinated in Belgium and that was because the Swiss Guards were absent and ISIS found the pontiff and there was going to be a war, so we had a chance, but only if we got it together and got this cordon up and the State back on it’s feet.  I have to get to Minaki somehow and there are insurgents everywhere, more like irregulars that are not loyal to the Sun State such as narco-democracy is going to outwit this particular calamity in function and in form.  The only problem is, some men like this, don’t like drugs and I have to say to him, I can perform that way if I take this drug and he says, fuck this, I hate dope and what it does to people.  We go for a ride and I try to convince him.  Just let me do what I need to do, your wife did and it was fine.  I’m not letting you do this when I want to do that; I know I said, so what’s the hold up?

There is none he said.  Take off your pants and get the fuck out of the car you little fuck.

And he threw me out, in my home district, on the wavy roads with no way to get back to safety except through the cross fire of endurance and desecration because there are trucks loading and there are convoys racing and I don’t know where I am but in the woods and naked and how did I get here because he took everything off me and I will remember him for being so smug and so delirious at the same time.

I was found but not in the way I thought.  Some hikers got to me that night, hikers with lights, they were berry hunting in the dark and they were not clothed, either.  I couldn’t believe it, and it was Addie’s gofer, given who Addie was in the Party, she had perks and one of them, was a houseperson, and so that one stood in for her and the real article came out to look for me, sans pyjama and with her friend Suzette, a big Native woman that also took off the finery to escort me to safety in some kind of context zone given that physicality had taken over and we are on the knife edge of solidity and solvency and sobriety and context is portable and they hooked me up to a context machine, and it’s only been forty five minutes since I disappeared from the car, a date gone wrong, he thought he was getting his dick sucked but I thought he was going to kill me and so I ended up naked in the back of his car and I ran and now he’s got some explaining to do and his wife is currently telling him fuck off and he shrugs and they are going to have a fight that she can’t win but also she doesn’t need to given what they suggest about me.  Get Him Out of the Woods and into Town and get him working at North Works, NOW, get him out and about, the conquerors are in town and they will get to Minaki if they know where it is, it’s 60 miles separating this and the end of the Earth, get the fuck on your bike and start riding okay, it’s an old suspension model and yes you are wearing clothes but you won’t always be able to, so remember that, just do what you have to do for the conquerors, who are looking alien species anyway and have abdicated share social understanding in favor of purity of mind that is only dedicated to one thing: consumption.

Let them consume you and let them feast on your beautiful body.  You are going to be outside, it’s summer in NWO and there is lots of traffic and this is parallel conceit, you are invisible except for people that need to see you.  Go.  And yes, you can do that before you go, if it gives you courage.

No, it’s like communion.

Explain?

I can’t…it’s the breath of death, captured in a little bit of moisture between your posterior elements…

Whatever keeps you alive my sweetling…

And she kissed my mouth, Addie Packer, fucking Commie and the only reason I’m alive right now.  My guardians?

IDK where they are and I might never see them again.

On the bike, the pressure is insurmountable as long as I remember that I am who?

What?

Where?

Blowing through that push and if it gets tense, clothes are coming off in this gray terror such as I get to the top of the first hill and have an idea, from Addie Packer of course, why not just strip down mostly anyway and live it like that, and dare them to intervene, they want us lower than them anyway, this red faction in a blue town, not that it matters, I’m Gray and Blue and Red have always been fighting and black is always completely in the enforceable dimension of notoriety, Blacksburg Virginia, remember that shit from KillTube?  I have seen Kill Tube and I have isolated from that strata of insanity such as it seems on the way in that there is some kind of unearthly providential experience happening and people just walking right by me in the dark and don’t say anything and I don’t know what they are doing, but I’m naked and it’s funny to think of me riding down the dirt road in NWO, nothing on me but a backpack with provisions and trying to skirt the pressure, and the filaments of danger such as I couldn’t make the turn on the T to go left so I went straight and I went up the big hill, streaking my whole neigbhorhood, this bare bum flashing by and everyone that was out, not saying a word.

I won’t say about my front because I was endowed like a prince and it was a mystery to me, because it got in the way, trying to do stuff, I could literally sit on my dick.  No really, I had a big fucking wang and so when it came to it, Bridget the neighbor rode out with nothing on and I was like, huh, that’s what she looks like and she was huh, I knew what he looked like and I was like what the fuck am I going to do with this cos we have to ride but is there a hurry?  We are on the highway and there is a way in the woods to ride for a long stretch that is parallel to the asphalt but terminates in a swamp.  We pick the swamp route and she says literally, let’s go thru the swamp.  Both of us are naked riding bikes in the middle of the blazing hot midnight sun such as it’s sweltering, that’s why I do it, take my clothes off, you have to understand it’s a lot hotter than it used to be and she agrees, this Bridget of my life and she is like, yo, stop staring at my butt and I was like, sorry honey, I can’t not, it’s big…

What?

Don’t slap me.

Look, I have to tell you she said as we dismounted and walked our bikes into the undergrowth, looking at the onrushing headlights as if it was a dream.  Everyone is so busy they can’t see us right now but when they can, they aren’t going to be happy with anything you say, they are going to cluster around you and put thoughts in your head that they then act on and so if you don’t have the right thoughts, the Machine will kill you, or so they say, IDK, I have wrestled with it recently.  It killed my friends she said, I’m one of the few left and now I do things on the side of the road for people that remember their bodies and have compassion or just need to put on a show or like the way my body looks when it’s nude because I don’t wear very much any more and so the partisans are naked socially but clothed culturally such as they are the shock troops of an eco-movement that is heading this direction after having been routed in Copenhagen according to some kind of news source, and who got routed, for what, do they mean routed like shown the way and then pointed themselves to their destination, or eliminated from battle?

Will we ever know?

In the meantime, the eco movement isn’t touch with me, so I have to get in touch with it, and it might be the wrong eco fascists for this guy.  Angie is going to get me thru the swamp but I have to get up the lake and into town on my own.  That shouldn’t be that hard once I get onto the Winnipeg River and into one of the rich Brits have vacation properties here now and it’s all Potemkin and I know vaguely where the sore sports are, and the sweet spots and I know people think I’m the Second Coming but who cares, it’s not important what people think, it’s important I get to flesh out the necessity of content in a fractious time and illuminate my surroundings with the providence of my own time in the sun and my own passage towards grace and understanding of the necessities and duties that come with a life well lived.  A life not undone and I ask her, can I hug you before we plunged into the swamp?  

She says yes and then pushes me down for tribute.  

The Planet of the Bonobos has already started and I am the chief of their tribe.

  #amwriting #draft #underworldguisecontent

[itain]

long.. complaint post essentially

id say rant but its less anger than just.. despair i guess

oh god i feel at this moment.... very hopeless

ive just kinda been frozen since i got home,,, talked some, ate dinner, etc... but there is so much i need to get done but i {feel i} cant do until i finish one thing in particular...... like so many rows stacked up in tetris that all get cleared with the one block that fits them all... i mean perhaps nobody thinks its that big a deal,,, idk......... i just feel like i cant breath... literally it feels like my chest is a bit tight just thinking of all this shit stressing me... like once i finally get one thing done turns out its not done and i had 10 more things to do as well... i feel that in the time it takes for me to take one step, i’m pushed back like 20 paces....

you know when you have so much stressing you that you play games or just fucking fill your mind with static to pretend nothing is wrong?? you waste time having fun while the stress just looms next to you all day every day?? thats like my usual state of being.... and here is the other end.. where things come crashing down, and im panicking, and im frozen because i can never solve things, i have to find an order in the chaos, and at this point everything immidiately turns negative and i wonder why im even alive rn... i like that ive written this much and still remained so vague.......... SIGH

uh lets see i mean its mostly all just financial shit

the biggest block rn is the fucking gym... gee am i getting so damn sick of this shit.... i am ready to sccream over this fucking gym...... ive been trying to quit almost since ive started... i FINALLY send the shit i need to on time..... and they didnt do it???? so i need to call them tomorrow asking why they havent drafted the quitting fee, and im sure theyll ask if i did the fucking secure mail where i get notified when they recieve it, and no i didnt bc i dont have money, and they will come up with some bullshit excuse reason why i cant quit still, and at that point ill want to scream and cry, i fucking wish that could solve my problem??? why cant i be like my dad who yells at the customer service people on the phone till they solve everything for free???? why cant i ask that of him now?? thoughts like these... who let me be an adult, how will i not get fucked out of shit because im a fucking pushover who just wants to please everyone and be polite.....

then lets see.......... the student loans..... the big issue with this... i mean 50 bucks a month starting in october... i mean we will fucking see if i have the money... considering im already drowning now, i fucking doubt, but my biggest concern is the logistics... what amount am i paying back? how do i know that its set up to draft out of my account??? questions i dont want to ask anyone because i’ll feel like a fucking idiot and i’ll just cry about it instead pls.... so i’ll just rot till october tyvm...

and what else... my biggest fear is the combination of these two, that i cant quit the gym and im paying like 75 fucking bucks a month for two things that have made my life nothing but hell...

but i think the other biggest stressor is the small shit adding up rn... for like 2+ months (i havent really counted but i know its been a long time now) my phone isnt working without a charger.... and to even get it replaced for a working model is like 75 bucks.. id buy some shit phone but thats 20 bucks that can be spent towards surviving... like, see above bills.... oh and id switch to an old phone of mine to even ask if thats possible would fucking cost money bc metro pcs wont answer shit without seeing money first ugh.. its made all communication and leisure time way more difficult as im chained to the wall and only a few short times a day for either.... so setting aside that, ill just fucking pray for that for christmas orz the other “small shit”...... oil needs to be changed on the car,,, means i have to find some time to buy oil, figure out what fucking oil to buy, where to buuy, if i have the money, etc... communicate with coworker friend and get a day we both have off so her friend?? can change my oil for me for free, bless.... but thats not even possible till i get back from my vacation.... so a week or two..... then we have the registration sticker that needs to be updated before september,,,, 80 to 85 bucks my dad said... that obv cant be updated with a code on my car so again, it has to wait a couple weeks... even driving with a code on my car gives me such anxiety...

so moving on to.... i guess the tiny shit that isnt as big problems but only have become such because im mega stressed..... thought i had finished the laundry... found another bag orz... apartment much more disorganized than i thought.. you know how order in the home gives a certain peace of mind.... and vise versa.... bf and i are fucking depressed and at least i want pills but that is a faraway dream rn, booking a fucking appointment, much less having $$ for a perscription????? trying to work out then losing motivation so quickly as always... but because i want to dedicate my energy towards cleaning this place... which just somehow never happens.... just never seeing a way to save money??? ive been so damn frugal and i still cant pay my bills and here i am with more bills, meanwhile my dad posting his stupid fucking bullshit on facebook about “choose happiness” like money doesnt have a fucking say in the matter.... and all the low self esteem and negative thoughts that accompany all this situation... wanting to “do something nice because ive been having a hard life/week” and then still feeling like shit, or feeling guilty for having spent anything then complaining about money...

i guess last thing i wanted to touch on..... the vacation... bfs mom takes me with them on their family vacations.... honestly i feel like the goth in the prep family? like im too much drama to make them happy.. ive been pretty open with her about my feelings towards my dad and stepmom, mostly bc she is super giving and nice and agrees with me against them.. and recently ive been more open, like about my depression even... and like... she even said she would get me a scrip... like....... i just.. this kind of thing, the vacations, the covering my half of rent, even while she doesnt have a job rn (she is rich but tighter on $$ now so) but i feel so guilty accepting it.. like if i justify it, then arent i being too greedy?? but i literally cant refuse it, or i’d be on the street right now so..... but i just feel like she owns me... if i were her daughter i think id be more okay but like... if john and i break up she put like, thousands into SOME CHICK.... i feel like in the far future i’ll need to write her a check too;; i told bf i wasnt rly feeling the vacation... of course because of the neverending drama surrounding me (yeah yeah im not saying drama is drawn to me, yeah i create it okay) this will just kinda strain more the relationship and they’ll all think i have some issue with them or smth that i gotta ruin every family trip... so i’ll just go.. but like... self esteem is out the window, so i wont want any pics.. i doubt bf will either, we both have gained so much weight, and i have perma acne that gets worse by the day, and i cant even afford to get my hair cut or colored again so its just this grown out mess.... then in the other respect of a vacation... i think ill just be worried the whole time about my finances... i mean i wont be able to spend money on anything so -shrugs- i get to just look at a bunch of nice things, thinking “i wish” or feel the guilt of her wanting to get it for me.... oh god yeah and same things w my friends.... i want to hang with them?? but i dont have money for shit??? and every time they pay for smth i die inside bc when will i even be able to pay them back its the same thing but theyre poor TT

anyways i guess thats most of it..... i guess im feeling tired maybe ill just pass out watching some youtube videos.... i was wanting to get a drawing done but ~*the cycle of feeling like shit*~ will occur worse then...