#but lover IS on our playlist... but for alternate better versions of the ending where natsume (and others) matters to mikan at all

[everythingsinred]

Let's Talk About NatsuMikan: Mikan (pt. 39)

I'm sorry. What lies ahead is more of a rant than anything else. It's not required reading in any case. Feel free to read if you want my take on the specific reasons why this ending is so lackluster.

We've come really far to get here, though! If you've read every part of to this, that is CRAZY. I think it's crazy someone would write so much about this, and I was the one who did it. Maybe we're both crazy.

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Chapter One Hundred and Seventy-Eight

Time to meet Mikan! A second-year high school student living in a village near the ocean who lives with her grandpa and a strange bear. She has two friends who don’t seem to wear the uniform. Her life is simple, from the outside.

But she is a person shrouded in mystery! Even to herself! She has lost two whole years of memories due to an illness she had as a child. In her mind, she suddenly went from being in the fifth grade to entering middle school, which must have been jarring for her. All she knows is her grandpa, an ever-present bouquet whose flowers never wilt, and a teddy bear who came with a letter from a mysterious sender, whose name has been redacted. But this bear is not a normal bear! He is animate and can move and clean (and beat her up). The strangest thing is that it only moves in front of her and her Jii-chan. Mikan’s reputation in the village has been affected by this strangeness in her life. She is viewed as being an odd girl, a bit of a space case. 

Mikan is the crazy girl in the village. I would have loved to see more of that...

It seems Mikan has always been a weirdo. I speculated at the start of this essay that Mikan didn't always fit in with kids in her village, and it seems that's still the case now. Where Mikan thrived was Alice Academy, where she was surrounded by fellow weirdos, where she made amazing friends and bonds that would last forever.

Despite the bear’s strangeness, she is very close to him. He’s a part of the little family she has with Jii-chan. 

Mikan may be a strange girl surrounded by strange things, but she is an optimistic and cheerful girl who likes to look forward to every new day. 

At the end of the school day, Mikan’s teacher warns his students about mysterious disappearances and suspicious people in town. All of the victims seem to be girls Mikan’s age, so the police warn against teen girls walking by themselves. Mikan finds this situation strange since their town is so peaceful and idyllic, and doesn’t seem like the place for a string of kidnappings. The teacher freaks out and insists on Mikan paying attention, shaking her by the shoulders and telling her to take care of herself or else he’ll have to watch over her 24/7… which is gross. Get away, Mikan!

Seeing her get harassed isn't enjoyable though. I hatE her stupid friends. Gross. Creepy. Unsettling. One of her friends is a grown man in disguise. I want to rip his head off.

Mikan leaves school crying after that ordeal and her friends just laugh it off, teasing her for being the teacher’s favorite and what bad luck that must bring. I don’t find it funny but nobody asked me! In any case, her friends write off their teacher’s concern because of Mikan’s cuteness, which she seems to love hearing.

Clubs and afterschool activities have been canceled because of the kidnappings, so we have a sense of how dangerous these events are. 

Someone calls out to her on their way home--a boy who wants to talk in private. Her friends muse on how many guys confess to Mikan despite her “common” looks--and I must reiterate again how important it is to me that Mikan is not some drop-dead gorgeous model like Nobara or Hotaru are clearly made out to be. Also her friends suck. They figure her mystery might be attractive to boys, and that might be true, but I think her sweetness and bubbly energy might also play a role.

He does indeed confess to her and Mikan apologizes, citing her ignorance in the world of dating. She thanks him for liking her but turns him down. Her rejection of him is not personal at all, and thus wholly non-offensive. She doesn’t seem uncomfortable or put off by his affections, and I think that might soften the blow of her rejection a little.

Her friends scold her for turning him down, since he’s smart and in a prestigious club, and Mikan concedes that he did seem cool, but that she won’t date for anything less than love. They continue to bully her for rejecting him when love comes after dating, and Mikan sees their point, especially because she hasn’t had her first love yet, but she is sure, somehow, that she did love someone during the time she lost. As a result, whenever she talks to a boy, no matter how impressive or cool he seems, she always compares him to that feeling of love she still carries with her, for a person she doesn’t even remember. 

Ah, the consistent endurance of love. The question of whether love is something that can be forgotten or whether it becomes a function as natural as breathing or digestion. For Mikan, it seems to be the latter. She remembers that she was--is still--in love with someone, and dating carries no interest to her if it can’t compare to that feeling. 

The love is certainly not past tense, either, because she still feels it--an ache, a pain, a lonely feeling. She misses this person. 

There's potential here but no follow through. What we get is just endless disappointment.

They stop by the ocean and Mikan relishes the moment, always happy to see the sea, as if she is watching it for someone else too. She recalls feeling that way watching the snow fall, looking at the sky, feeling happy like she was watching for somebody else, and then explicably crying, unable to stop. No matter what she does or experiences, her heart is pulled to that love.

And what do I think of all this?

It’s pretty confusing, the way it’s written. It’s no secret I fucking hate these chapters, and there’s a lot of reasons, but this scene is something I can’t relish in because it can be read a few ways and I can’t help but feel like I know which is the way Higuchi intended it. 

It’s pretty clear from the blurry panels of forgotten memories that Mikan is thinking of multiple people as she stares into the ocean, thinking of Hotaru as she stares at the snow. And yet, this whole monologue of hers seems to be thinking of one person. What does this mean?

Well, primarily, I think Mikan’s amnesia mixes the love up, and I feel l want to believe that’s narratively intentional, that Mikan loves and misses many people, but can’t parse out that fact. Instead it feels like she just loved one person that much that everything reminds her of a love she can’t remember. 

In my opinion, this love is varied, because she loved a lot of people in different ways: friends, family, Natsume (who has always been different). I think she is put off by romance because of her enduring romantic love for Natsume, but it’s not only Natsume that she thinks of when she sees the ocean. Mikan loved so many people and now she misses them, all the friends and teachers and classmates and family she met and lost. It would make sense then that amnesia!Mikan might look at the moon and think of Natsume, or at the stars and think of her mother. Maybe she hears a violin and misses Sumire, or cries whenever she studies because she wishes Yuu was there--all without actually remembering the person, just the love. As a result, because she knew and loved so many people, she would get reminded of that love whenever she does anything. 

What puts me off about this is the rest of this arc and the unproportional emphasis on Hotaru. I already hate the choice to have Hotaru save Natsume so her fate hasn’t actually been sad to me for a few years now--just deeply annoying and pointless. I am of the opinion that Mikan entering the academy was a change for her, that she was a weird girl in her old village, who didn’t have many close friends until she met Hotaru. Then she went to the Academy and was able to make many friends with people who loved and accepted her. She finally found somewhere she belonged. 

These ending chapters, thus, should have been about her enduring love for everyone, how the bonds she made at the Academy were impossible to forget. Instead, the reunion with Natsume and her entire class is condensed to one chapter--and very little of it is pleasant--with the entire final chapter being about Hotaru, as if to make the point that despite all of the love Mikan gathered and gained, Hotaru is still the person she loves the most, and by a huge margin, almost to the point where her other loved ones don't really matter at all.

AnyWAY, the kidnappers have found her and Mikan is terrified and confused. A mysterious explosion seems to save her from the kidnappers, and when she looks through the flames, she can see the silhouette of a person in the distance, a silhouette that makes her heart beat faster. She instantly becomes overwhelmed, because now it’s not just external events confusing her; she’s confounded by what’s going on inside of her head too. 

On the other side of her, another man knocks the kidnappers out with his hand powers. And that makes her heart beat too. But Mikan assumes her discomfort around this new man is because he must be part of the kidnapping group. 

Reminding myself that this is a ship essay and that Higuchi gave me a couple crumbs to work with... There's just not even enough to make a crouton with.

Then it turns out Shi-chan is actually Goshima in disguise and if you aren’t touched or particularly interested in this redemption, join the club! The “Goshima has been by Mikan’s side for years, protecting her” idea means absolutely nothing to me when it all happened in one condensed chapter, when he’s been seen bullying and even physically hurting her in his girl disguise, and when I never really cared about Goshima as a character to begin with. Too little, too late, too weird. I find this off-putting, actually. Whose idea was it to trust Goshima with anything after he’s been established to not be trustworthy, just for the sake of giving him a chance to “redeem himself”? For all the nonsense about Mikan having to forget everything just in case she gets targeted by enemies, they sure did take a huge risk letting Goshima anywhere near her after he knowingly caused her mom’s death.

Anyway, Mikan is overwhelmed and confused, because her close friend just turned into a man and there’s a lot of weirdos around and they’re talking about stuff she doesn’t understand--

And then she bumps into someone as she’s backing away, someone who instantly grabs her hand and pulls her closer.

Chapter One Hundred and Seventy-Nine

Her heart beats fast again, and for some reason, looking at this guy makes her think of that feeling of love she had mused on before, how she somehow knows she was in love before. Somehow, just looking at him and touching him, makes her feel like this stranger knows her, makes her feel something strange and yet unbearably familiar. She knows she’s felt this before--

The potential of this! It's almost interesting but it only lasts three seconds, so who cares?

The stranger gropes her chest.

But of course he does! This arc SUCKS! There’s so little good about it, why would the NatsuMikan reunion be any different??? I am ANGRY. I HATE this arc, not even joking. I’m not exaggerating; I genuinely hate this finale.

Anyway. 

She starts freaking out--understandably--that this stranger, who made her feel feelings she was sure she wouldn’t find with any of the other guys who confessed to her, felt her up out of the blue for no fucking reason. She starts screaming for help but he seems unbothered. All of the strange men seem unbothered, actually. 

Then, to make matters even worse, three new weirdos arrive. I don’t know why they thought it was a good idea to ambush her with so many strange people at once, all of whom are men, right after she’d been almost kidnapped. They talk about and at her without her knowing them and it’s uncomfortable. If you think I only dislike Natsume’s first actions with her here, you’re wrong! All of it is thoughtless and inconsiderate. 

Who thought to themselves, “Y’know there’s a string of alice-related kidnappings near Mikan and she’s been warned not to walk by herself because these are predominantly male attacks on young female victims her age, so we should make sure to save her with an all-male team of suspicious characters who are sure to act strangely and frighten her”? Because whoever did is a fucking idiot.

Why am I surprised though? It’s one of the teachers for sure, and the Academy staff hasn’t impressed me much this whole manga. 

They seem to know her name and talk about her like they’re familiar with her, which only freaks her out more. She lays eyes on a blond person who is supposed to be handsome and princely according to her thoughts (but I always despaired about how the finale boys look more than twice the age they’re supposed to be and are bizarrely broad). 

But they all voice the same sentiment that the blond boy brings up: they have missed her and wanted to see her for a long time. They’re going to take her away. 

Mikan considers this: a group of strange men appears at just the right time to save her from kidnappers, and they claim to be friends from a time she has forgotten, and now want to take her away from home. 

She starts to run away, horrified, because obviously these guys are also kidnappers!

She despairs about why her life has to be so messy and mysterious, just as that gropey guy jumps in front of her to stop her from escaping. They make eye contact and the build-up here is that something drastic might happen, that she wouldn’t be off-base if she assumed he’d attack her somehow.

Instead, she is embraced by this stranger, and she’s taken aback by the sudden and uncalled-for sweetness. Until he starts screaming at her that he isn’t about to let her go. He says more cryptic stuff about searching for her endlessly, about how it felt to wake up without her, how hard he had to work to stay alive for this moment, that she shouldn’t have forgotten him.

And poor Mikan can only stand in his arms and listen, overwhelmed but undoubtedly touched somehow. 

“Even if you have forgotten your memories, and the alice stone you had back then, you are mine.” 

Mikan starts to cry, remembering that she had once been in love with someone, that she had turned down every guy who approached her because no matter how cool or handsome they were, they could never compare to that feeling of loving someone so much--a feeling that she only feels in this stranger’s arms. 

Ahh...

Without understanding why, she hugs him back and cries in his arms, thinking about how she feels with this crazy dude she just met, her entire body overcome with electricity, with the “painful intensity of love.” Yes, love, for someone she just met. Love, for someone she’s loved for a long time, even though she’s forgotten him.

Because even though his name and face and all the memories with him have been forgotten, the love she has for him has never budged.

She cries and hugs him until her attention is drawn to his pocket, where something is flickering. He pulls it out to show her, a little pebble. He puts it in her hand and it is instantly resorbed, and WHOOSH!

She starts to cry. Because she remembers everything now! Just like that!

It’s almost as if having her lose all her memories two chapters ago didn’t actually MEAN ANYTHING! The lack of build up to this moment, the all-over-the-place quality of these chapters… it just doesn’t feel as exciting as it should.

It all just feels pointless. Or at least it does to me. Like. What was the point?

She says Natsume’s name as she cries, instant relief at being able to see someone she was sure she would never see again, someone who had maybe even died. Yet here he is, right in front of her, alive. She has recovered her memories so now when Natsume hugs her again, it’s not out of the blue and she instantly reciprocates. 

Insert witty or sappy comment here.

She is then greeted with an onslaught of “What about me?” and “Do you remember me?”, which she answers in the affirmative for all. 

This whole scene is pretty rushed and unsatisfying but Mikan has a happy reunion with people she loves and now remembers. 

Chapter One Hundred and Eighty

I don’t relish analyzing these chapters because I hate them. There isn’t much to analyze, really, but there is a lot to critique and I don’t like being negative about Gakuen Alice, so I prefer to just ignore these chapters whenever I can. In fact, most of the time I'm able to forget these chapters enough that they don't feel like a part of canon at all to me, giving me the opportunity to consider alternate and better endings. I like very little that is offered here. These chapters just piss me off, and that sucks because I set out on this essay because I knew that the manga has so much to offer in terms of intelligent story-telling and this ending just messes it all up.

It is apparently a miracle that Mikan has managed to regain her memories, even if it’s a small portion of what she’s lost (and that feels pointless too). But Mikan is sure she didn’t cause the miracle, because she heard a voice when she resorbed the alice stone that wished she’d regain her lost memories. That girl’s voice set off a big wave of memory, apparently. So it wasn’t even the alice stone. 

Apparently, even though she was surrounded by people she loves, nobody’s voice or appearance unlocked any solid memories, but Hotaru’s disembodied voice does? Now, I don’t like that at all, personally, because to me it seems antithetical to Mikan’s character and undermines the love she has for everyone else, both her romantic love for Natsume and her platonic love for her friends and family. This last chapter irritates me so much, in fact, because it seems to be making the point that Mikan doesn’t just love Hotaru the most, but that she loves her so much more than everyone else, and those kinds of revelations being shared openly in front of everyone else who loves her just rubs me the wrong way and gives me a gross feeling.

I find it hard to picture that Mikan’s love for the others couldn’t even come close. It’s stupid.

I'm so mad. Mikan, didn't Jii-chan teach you any manners? What the actual fuck would make you say something like that in front of all these people who love you? That's so annoying. This chapter is not canon to me, I'm sorry.

She even says she “always loved that person more than others” IN FRONT OF EVERYONE ELSE AROUND HER. All these people who have been missing her and waiting to see her, and she just says “I love someone else way more than y’all!” like it’s no big deal!

And that’s why I dislike the scene in 178, where Mikan talks about her overpowering love for one person. Because to Higuchi, this isn’t an amalgamation love thing, it’s focused solely on Hotaru, implying that sure, maybe Mikan is happy to see all her friends again, but the person she’s cried over and missed for all these years is just Hotaru. It sucks, man.

Mikan was a lonely person before she went to the academy. Sure, she went to chase Hotaru, but there's so many bonds and relationships she built while at that school, with teachers, with classmates, with her upperclassmen, all people who impacted her and changed her and made her better. People she cried about leaving, people she didn't want to forget. People she was willing to lock herself in a labyrinth to save, people she would have put herself in danger for.

This final chapter says those people don't matter. The only person who matters or has ever mattered is Hotaru. It makes me feel gross, because that's not the story we've been reading.

Anyway, they all fill her in and Mikan has to deal with Goshima, who murdered her mom, and we have to watch yet another moment of her blindly forgiving someone because holding grudges is bad! Then again, Mikan apparently doesn’t even remember her parents, so her forgiveness isn’t entirely informed by actual memories or feelings, just the general vibe that Goshima is nice now and shouldn’t feel bad about murder anymore. 

You're a creep, Goshima! Who the hell would trust you, that doesn't even make sense! It's not "mercy", it's stupidity. Let him prove himself in some other way, not with the duty of protecting your niece, the daughter of the woman he killed. All of Shi-chan's actions are ten thousand times worse when you keep in mind that was actually a grown man.

“Everyone needs to smile!” and just get over whatever bad stuff happens, I guess. If someone wrongs you, you have to forgive them, or else you’re just being a negative nancy!

SHE EVEN ENDS UP APOLOGIZING TO HIM for not appreciating how much pain HE was in! I HATE THIS ENDING SO FUCKING MUCH.

“Let’s just forget about it!” I hate this ending.

There’s absolutely no attention paid to pain, to suffering, to abuse. There’s no respect given to characters like Natsume who underwent horrific trauma at the hands of abusive teachers, a character who might not feel as inclined to forgive as Mikan is. There’s no appropriate time spent considering these feelings. There's no care here. Instead, Higuchi’s narrative implies that bad things should be forgotten and you should in fact apologize to those who wronged you for not realizing they’re in pain!

(I actually did reference this in ATRAD, so if this seems familiar, that’s why. I put a lot of emphasis on Luna and forgiveness, and Mikan’s feeling as if she should forgive because that’s what she’s supposed to do, and what would bring happiness to everyone else. I specifically talked about it because of how much it bothered me in the manga.

“Well, Luna and I were talking about the past issues here.” Kuonji gestured between the two girls. “Now, Mikan, we all know that what Luna did was horrible. Luna knows better than anyone that it was wrong. She’s talked to me about it and I think it causes her more pain than it does you, knowing that her actions caused you pain.”

“She tried to kill me,” Mikan muttered. 

“Now, imagine how she feels, knowing that?” Kuonji said gently. )

I feel no desire to talk about this boring information that gets dumped on us all of a sudden in the last chapter. What’s the point? It’s irrelevant. This is the LAST chapter of Gakuen Alice and it’s used as an information dump to justify the nonsense that’s happening, that undermines everything else. What’s there to analyze?

Whatever.

It's a combination of things. I hate Hotaru's role in this end. I hate Mikan's behavior in this chapter. I hate that nearly every page in this chapter is text heavy and loaded with new information that has no place in a finale. I hate that nothing matters. They all deserved better.

Mikan is reminded of Hotaru’s name and she has a little breakdown trying to get why that name is the only one on her heart (WHAT???), when she meets even more people--including Shiki, and she’s told that Mikan is crucial in the efforts to find this Hotaru person. Mikan is again brought to tears when she hears Hotaru’s voice wishing her a happy birthday, recorded on mushrooms that Ruka has kept all this time. 

Mikan is then given a choice: to leave with these people as a quasi-Alice, to help save Hotaru, or to forget everything again and go back to her normal life.

The fact that anybody is concerned about what she’ll choose is fucking stupid.

It’s not even a choice. Obviously we know what she picks.

But her reasoning is for some reason entirely about Hotaru, and saving Hotaru, when all her other friends are standing around her hoping that this isn’t the last time they see her. THIS PISSES ME OFF.

She then meets all her other classmates all at once. Randomly. It’s rushed, it’s not heartfelt. It feels like things are being done just to finish them. The only thing of any value is the memory that Mikan wanted to see the ocean with everyone when things at the Academy become better. And it looks like things are better! So they’re all together at the beach! Yay! I don’t care.

It’s time to go on a trip to save Hotaru! Right away. Like right now. And even though Mikan is reuniting with everyone she’s loved at the Academy, the only one who actually matters is Hotaru for some reason. 

I remember looking through the raws of this chapter when it first came out and the empty, stirring feeling in my stomach. The lack of interest I had in anything that was happening visually, the huge bubbles of text, the presence of way too many characters. This should go without saying but I didn't actually read any translation of this ending until years after it came out. I've probably read these final chapters 3-4 times total since they came out. They're just not important to my experience of this story at all.

Do I like Mikan chasing after Hotaru at the end just like she did in the beginning? Hmm. No. I hate it. I hate Hotaru saving Natsume for Mikan’s sake. I hate Hotaru being stuck in time-space. I hate Mikan acting the exact same as she did in the first chapter, as though she didn't grow or change at all, as if all the love she’s gained with other people doesn’t compare at all to her love for Hotaru, downplaying how much everyone else means by a lot. I hate the open-endedness. I hate that none of the reunions hold any weight and none of them make me feel anything, not even the NatsuMikan one.

ME. I don’t feel ANYTHING in these chapters but annoyance. I’m the kind of person who cries just thinking about Pengy or Natsume and Ruka’s backstory. I cry all the time. I cried watching House almost every episode. I cried watching the lamest romcoms known to man. I cry everytime I watch a true crime documentary and everytime a mom says "I'm proud of you" to her kid on TV and everytime I look too long at my cat. I cry about fucking EVERYTHING. And Higuchi didn’t make me feel fucking anything with the finale to her manga. 

I’m sick and tired of these chapters. They’re not canon to me. They feel disrespectful to me and annoying and I hate them. I prefer Kageki, or even better--imagining an entirely different ending, particularly because of Mikan. Anyway.

It’s no secret, I think, that I hate the GA finale. I am not a big fan of the way Natsume’s death was resolved, or how Ruka’s arc was left hanging open, or how Hotaru got trapped in space time. I don’t like that everything that happens to Mikan in the end doesn’t even matter, that everything in the ending is pointless and results in no change, no development, no consequence. 

I’ve said before that I personally can’t write unhappy endings, but I can sometimes cope with them in other people’s stories if that’s the best resolution for the characters. GA is a strange example of an ending because it wanted to have both a happy and unhappy ending, which just resulted in it being a meh ending at best (and excruciatingly irritating at worst). The ending insults all of Mikan’s non-Hotaru relationships and all the readers who liked them. The reunions are all rushed and thus none of it makes an emotional impact. 

The worst part, in my opinion, is that the chapters leading up to this finale (so the last couple dozen) aren’t much better because they lend a hand to this. Character arcs are the most important part of a story’s narrative in a work like this. This manga has been incredibly well-written up to this part, particularly in regards to most of the main four having well-defined arcs. There’s three types of character arcs, I think:

Character evolution would usually refer to any kind of change, but for the sake of clarity, for this, I’ll use it as a positive change. Think of a character who has trust issues. Character evolution would mean that he eventually starts trusting in people. The story would climax with his trust in someone being tested and him choosing to trust anyway. That’s what character-based storytelling is all about, fulfilling someone’s character arc by addressing their faults and obstacles.

I’ll use the term character “devolution” to refer to a character arc where the character has a negative arc progression. Technically, this is character evolution as well, just of the negative variety, but for clarity’s sake I’ll call it devolution or deterioration. Let’s say, there’s a character who just wants to protect her younger sister. Over the course of the narrative, her actions become more and more drastic and she does increasingly atrocious things in the name of protecting her sister until she’s become something akin to a monster, maybe even the story’s villain. A well-written character arc does not have to be focused on positive change.

The last type of character arc would be… none. Some characters are called “static” which means they stay the same throughout the story. The story isn’t circled around testing them or pushing them into developing. Characters like this are more involved in challenging other characters.

I think Hotaru is more or less a static character. She becomes a little more open with her emotions, sure, but the little changes she makes are almost imperceptible on a narrative level. If you look at the individual arcs and think about Hotaru’s actions, she rarely plays an active role. She is usually a catalyst for Mikan’s actions, or a strong supportive role. It’s what her character does best because that’s just what static characters do! I don’t think there’s much wrong with characters like this, and people use “static” as a negative term way too often, but I strongly believe Hotaru would make that same sacrifice for Mikan in chapter one that she makes at the end, which makes the action less potent. Mikan’s desire to be able to sacrifice comes from being inspired by Hotaru’s sacrifice. Hotaru doing what she’s always done as the climactic action in the manga sucks out all the narrative potency from the ending when there’s two characters with unresolved arcs. Hotaru would have worked best in a strong support role here, and I think it would have been more meaningful to have Hotaru chase Mikan rather than the other way around again. 

I’ve seen that referred to and praised as some kind of narrative bookend or parallel, but to me it always felt lazy, like there was no real change to Mikan or Hotaru’s characters for all of these almost two hundred chapters. It rubs me the wrong way, and maybe that’s because I’m focusing too much on character arcs and narrative, but hey! That’s what I was trained to look at in college, so I can’t change this about myself.

Exhibit B is Ruka, who I think was pushed to the side unceremoniously and whose arc was completely ignored. Yes, I did mention character devolution. It’s possible that a good arc for Ruka would look like him being faced with the opportunity to save Natsume and, despite his very best efforts, not being able to, or even making things worse inadvertently, suddenly feeling like he’s received proof after all these years that he truly is a burden. That’s a sad arc progression, but it works narratively. It would seem strange in a work like GA, which tries to be positive, but it works. But he didn’t get that. Ruka is too easily escorted from the action, from the climax, entirely sidelined. Ruka’s arc is pretty clear--what his biggest issue is and what he needs to change about himself in order to live a successful life is painted for us from the beginning. He’s not static like Hotaru, especially because his character arc is brought up multiple times in multiple arcs and he makes a little progress each time, as a way to tease a huge event on the horizon where he will be fully confronted with his burden complex. He is not given this opportunity and the spotlight is ceaselessly handed elsewhere, making his character inconsequential when it comes to Natsume’s death. A spit in the face.

The only character whose arc seems perfect to me is Natsume’s, funnily enough, but only to an extent. Natsume dying for love is perfect for him, and I believe that ending his arc any other way wouldn’t be as meaningful to his character. This has been set-up from the beginning, almost as if fate has commanded that he would die no matter what changed in his life. And that’s great because we see him change his perspective from Chapter 16, when he’s happy to kill himself, relieved that his suffering will soon be over, into his eventual death, where he can’t accept that his life is over because he doesn’t want it to be. He does everything he can to save Mikan, but ultimately when death comes for him, he doesn’t really want to go. That’s PERFECT! The thing that ruins it is Hotaru rescuing him for Mikan’s sake. Natsume’s martyr complex throughout the manga reveals to us just how little his existence means to him. He always comes dead last to himself and what he needs is other people choosing him first and making him feel like his life is significant and means something other than what he can do for others. Hotaru saving him puts his actual existence dead last. She doesn’t save him for him, but because of Mikan. Hotaru doesn’t really care about Natsume, so when she saves him, it reinforces the idea that Natsume exists for other people, that all he’s good for is what he can give. The absolute WORST part of that is that Higuchi Tachibana didn’t even think of that. There’s no evidence that this story choice wants to explore what that means for Natsume, how that choice would impact everyone involved. The carelessness and sloppiness is what bothers me here, that Natsume’s nearly perfect arc is tainted by the fumbling effort to put Hotaru in an active role that doesn’t benefit her character arc, that negatively impacts everyone else’s arcs.

And then there’s Mikan… Who I believe was done pretty dirty. Mikan had a clear character devolution. She goes from being a generally upbeat but still emotional girl, capable of sadness and anger and who doesn’t let herself get treated poorly, who generally wants to be useful, to contribute something, to be able to sacrifice things. The sacrifice part got a lot of focus throughout, and whenever she gets the chance, she throws herself at it. The best part is that Mikan doesn’t so much “make the choice” to sacrifice as she feels it’s the only thing she can do. There is no alternative to her because she doesn’t even think of it. It’s only when she’s confronted with Kazumi giving her a choice at the end: save Natsume or keep your alice, that her sacrifice feels like a personal choice rather than an instinctive action on her point. Honestly, Mikan has always been a character motivated to do good, so her arc is less about learning to do good and more about realizing that she does do good already. Additionally, she has the abandoned nullification alice arc, where Mikan feels like her alice is completely useless, like it doesn’t benefit anybody. But there is one thread that has tied to that throughout the manga, from the very first arc, and that’s Natsume. If Natsume was always meant to die, Mikan was always meant to save him. That’s clear from the start, when Narumi says “There might be someone out there in need of your alice” over a panel of Natsume. It was as much a part of implicit destiny as Natsume’s death, as the two of them falling in love. And that was specifically in terms of her silly nullification. Her nullification should have played a role here, and the fact that it didn’t annoys me. I don’t like Mikan having the stealing alice at all, we been knew. It completely dismisses the nullification alice from her storyline for no real narrative reason. Mikan having the stealing alice doesn’t really do much for her character. It acts as a plot lubricant, as a tie to her mom, but for Mikan’s existing arc--nothing. 

There’s the fact, too, that Mikan saving Natsume would have communicated to him that his life means something, if only it means he lives. That he doesn’t have to give anything, as long as she can have him breathing. It would have meant so much for both of their character arcs. It would have been the pretty, perfect way to tie it all. I know there’s a lot of focus nowadays on “subversive” story telling, on setting up one story only to turn it over with some contrived plot twist for the sake of shocking the audience. “You thought this would happen, but you’re stupid for thinking so, because this is happening instead!” I think that kind of plot doesn’t act in contribution to character arcs, which is actually the only thing I care about. In a story like GA, character has been central, so it should continue to be. To me, Mikan being unable to save Natsume feels stupid and pointless, not in a “sometimes you fail” kinda way, because Mikan has already been taught that lesson. That would hit harder, maybe, if Natsume did die for real here, if he never came back. It would be sad, but it would be potent and meaningful. Instead, Natsume can be saved, just not by her. She is incapable of doing the one thing she was set up to do from the start. Instead, her role is stolen by Hotaru and the act of saving Natsume is no longer an act of love for him, but an act of love for Mikan, which is just insulting to all the characters involved. 

Ultimately, how can this finale make you feel anything if the characters have been abandoned for the sake of a lazy “bookend” of Mikan chasing Hotaru once more? All the arcs were abandoned in favor of servicing a sloppy and rushed ending, where no character gets the attention they deserve. The finale just does what it can with the resolution it’s been presented with, and that’s why it sucks so bad. Three chapters isn’t enough to clean up the mess from the last twenty or so chapters, but it doesn’t even try. 

I think the last chapter is the worst chapter in Gakuen Alice, hands down. But it’s only made possible by the subpar story told prior to it, specifically about Natsume’s death, which is the climax of the story. That climax is deceptive too, because you cry so much--about Natsume dying, Mikan leaving, Hotaru sacrificing herself, Ruka being left behind by everyone he knows--that you don’t even notice how bad the writing is! And all the stuff that’s making you cry is cheap character ploys to make you feel in the moment without giving you an actual conclusion. GA isn’t just open-ended because Hotaru is still missing; Mikan, Ruka, and Natsume are still missing character arc closure. 

And considering how intelligent the story-telling has been up to now, it feels out of the blue and unfair to have such an awful ending.

What a disappointment.

Palate cleansing NatsuMikan to soothe your soul after you had to read all that nonsense and negativity. Sorry about all that.

Conclusion

Yeah, so like i said: a rant. Tomorrow I'll wrap up all of this with a little touch on Kageki, but there's not much to analyze there because NatsuMikan aren't focal.

I'm sorry if this was very negative. Like I'd mentioned a hundred times already, it's hard for me to be negative about GA. I don't like whining or complaining and staying butthurt about an ending that was published more than ten years ago feels unproductive. If anything, I take it as a learning moment. I use this to teach myself how vital endings are, and how not to do them. I also generally don't think of these chapters at all. I sometimes flat out forget the story ended this way until someone reminds me.

In my head, the character arcs are resolved and Hotaru never got lost to time-space because that's stupid. I have quite a few alternate endings in my head, but I prefer all of them to the one we got.

Thanks for reading, folks! Just one more time and then we can move on with our lives and go back to pretending this manga is perfect.

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[sunnymusingsao3]

director's commentary: haunt me, then? :3c

Behind the Scenes: Fanfic Edition

Edit Post-Writing: Buckle up, friends, this got LONG (so sorry slkdjf)

So you, Crow, were there when we discussed the idea to haunt me, then, so I'll try and keep this about stuff that you may not have seen! However, before I do that, a quick tl;dr for those who did not see us hollering about this idea lol:

It happened right after we got the Rise of the Titans teaser trailer, back when we still knew so little about the movie itself. In the teaser, we saw Bellroc and their cool fire titan, and that spawned a whole myriad of ideas-- some earnest speculation, others just forming from the metaphorical playground because they were fun. One such idea that, if I remember correctly, was somewhere in between "wouldn't this hurt?" and "oh god what if it actually did happen?" was born, in order to explain why Skrael wasn't present in the teaser. Crow suggested the truly heartbreaking (compliment) idea that someone had to be sacrificed in order to raise the volcanic titan, and oh boy did that one gain legs.

So, moving on, I got permission from Crow to write this fic because the idea was just so good, and also because I was really in the mood to write something in the vein of horror, with romantic themes undercutting it. I was very enticed by the idea of monstrous love, and the different forms it can take, as well as the idea of loving someone so much that when it comes time to sacrifice them, you do it, because you know that not doing it would feel too much like coddling them. You have a mission that you both would lay down your lives for; to not allow your lover the chance to do so, when it is necessary, would feel like dishonor-- it would be an insult.

So this was the thesis of the fic, as it were; the central idea behind all of the themes and imagery that I wanted to explore.

Now on to some things that, to my memory, were not told to anyone as I was writing!

I toyed a LOT with the idea of Skrael figuring them out before they actually sacrificed him; I ended up landing on "he's suspicious, but doesn't stop them"

The reasons he has for not stopping them are: 1. It's his job 2. He was always prepared for the possibility that only one of them would end up making it to the new world 3. He wants to see if they did their research; was this an impulse decision, or are they really sure about this?

By the time they stop him from grabbing his staff, he is sure that it's not an impulse decision; that was his last reservation-- because if he can get his staff, he can fight back. But if they ensured that he couldn't even fight back, then it meant that they'd prepared for even the least likely outcome. It's not that he doesn't believe they know what they're doing, but it reassures him to know that they are taking extra measures to stay safe, and to make sure their plans come to fruition

In the final act, where they lean him over the volcano's lip, it's a much calmer version of what I'd initially had in mind, but I liked it better because the slow inevitability was more compelling to me. It felt like a natural progression. And if I wanted drama, it could come after, when the grief actually hits Bellroc, so there was less harm in delaying some of that higher emotion for a little bit later in the fic

The more dramatic version, however, was Skrael beginning to fall, and him grabbing their arm on instinct. It was a good image, the idea of him dangling openly, held only by a hand that he knows now is going to let go, but it also felt too much like Skrael didn't know what was happening beforehand, which didn't feel like the right character choice for him. He admits to being unfamiliar with the ritual they're about to perform, but the pieces rather start to add up, and he's always been good at reading Bellroc.

Speaking of that ritual, I imagined that he is less familiar with this one because it's one born of fire magic, and he just simply does not possess the necessary understanding of that magic to make it-- in his mind-- worth his while to read the spellbook it's in. He's surely dabbled in reading about fire magic a little, because it's smart to at least have some level of understanding when you live with a fire mage, but it's more like he was reading the Fire Magic 101 textbooks, while Bellroc was about to submit their PhD dissertation.

However, though he is less familiar with the ritual in the fic, I also like to think that he has a similar one in his own practice. He hasn't needed to use it, but he knows it, however distantly. I think it would involve a much, much slower death for his sacrifice, leaving them exposed to the ice and the elements, to slowly wear the person away. This would be why, if the Order were given the choice between Bellroc's ritual and his, Skrael would always push to be the sacrifice in theirs, because he does not think he could be steadfast enough to last the length of their death. With his death in theirs, he knows it would be quick, and they'd have little chance of changing their mind, but with them in his, he'd have to wait hours to days, and he just doesn't think he could subject them to that.

It's linked in the fic itself, so this is known, but the song that inspired this was The Horror of Our Love by Ludo. However, the other songs I primarily listened to for this were Eternally Yours by Motionless in White, Brutus by The Buttress, and a slowed version of Teeth by 5 Seconds of Summer (blood warning). These helped set the mood, and then in between them, I wrote to darker classical music playlists on Youtube!

The quote at the end was almost the one from Black Panther, between W'Kabi and Okoye: "Would you kill me, my love?" "For Wakanda? Without question."

I went with the Wuthering Heights one, however, because it felt more appropriate to Bellroc's grief, and since that grief was focused on less in the fic than the sacrifice parts, I wanted to highlight it a little more

This was also an idea I talked about with Crow, but I wanted to share it here, too, since idk if it'll ever gain proper legs, but I really like the idea of, after this, Bellroc becoming the new North Wind, as well as the Keeper of the Flame, because I don't think you can truly get rid of the North Wind. But, perhaps the "powers that be" (whether that's something sentient or not) see that they've only really got two options left for who they could make the new North Wind, and, well, Bellroc's got his staff already, and they're right there when he dies, so maybe they just kinda... pop that magic right in there

It's a very AU idea though lol, so I'm not sure if there's enough grounded basis for it

However, if I ever did write it, I also really like the alternate idea of... the best way I can describe it is Greeling in FMA:B? Body sharing, basically, and Skrael being a whisper in the back of their head. When they want the North Wind to "take over" as it were, they don't change their form or anything, but suddenly, they grow very, very cold, and they can no longer perform fire magic, but ice magic, instead

I just think it would be neat to see the North Wind and the Keeper of the Flame as one person, whether it's only one soul in the body, or two!

This is one of like, three fics I've considered making a podfic for!

I think that's about everything I can think of off the top of my head, but if there's anything else you or someone else would like to ask about, please feel free to come into the inbox again! <3

[princessconsuelapark]

my ultimate Sam and Dean are soulmates playlist | 61 songs, 3 hr 59 min

I started putting this together over my summer SPN re-watch, and I thought I'd share it with you all, so we can all cry over our Wincest feels together. It has all the usual cliché songs, and some of my own favourites. (Very country-heavy, so if that's not your thing proceed with caution.) I'm a writer, so lyrics are very important to me - I linked them for every song. All songs are individually YouTube linked, alternatively you can find the Spotify version above. I included some comments and explanations for all my choices, as well as quotes from the show. Happy listening! | Last updated: 18 November 2020

Carry On My Wayward Son by Supernatural: The Musical Cast // lyrics // Cliché and all that, but a good place to start.

Somewhere Only We Know by Lily Allen // lyrics // Even as children - as tumultuous and layered their relationship has always been - it was just the two of them, alone, in their own little world. I Found by Amber Run // lyrics // I found love where it wasn't supposed to be.

Fade Into You by Mazzy Star // lyrics // Unhealthily codependent Weecest vibes.

I Wanna Be Yours by Arctic Monkeys // lyrics // Secrets I have held in my heart / Are harder to hide than I thought. Something's Gotta Give by Christian Kane // lyrics // Wanting to get out of town as a metaphor for Dean wanting to act on his feelings for Sam? Yes, please. Christian Kane being a country god? Absolutely. The fact that this man was actually on SPN as Dean’s freaking love interest, and Jensen and him got to sing together still makes me the happiest person on this planet.

Don't You Wanna Fall by Frankie Ballard // lyrics // So, I love the lines Fall down here where an angel should know better than / To walk around this world with me, because god, Dean so often thinks he belongs in Hell, and is terrified of forcing his little brother into anything he doesn’t want. But still, he can’t stop himself: Don’t you wanna fall? (Shoutout to any Destiel shippers out there, because what a perfect song for you guys too, wow.) Thinking of You by Christian Kane // lyrics // Dean, just before Sam leaves for Stanford. (Link is for the Leverage version, because I love that show, and because Eliot Spencer is an angel. Funnily enough, Alona Tal was actually in that very episode, and did actually sing this song - you can find that here.) Hold On by Limp Bizkit // lyrics // I'm waiting for you, I know you're leaving / I'll still adore you, you never need me. LOST BOY by Troye Sivan // lyrics // Thinking about little Sammy’s stolen college admissions guide. Arms of a Stranger by Niall Horan // lyrics // Some jealous!Dean, while Sam is at Stanford angst.

Walking Away by Lifehouse // lyrics // Silence is all we have to give / And the memories of a life I wish we'd lived.

San Francisco by Niall Horan // lyrics // Listen, it’s a song about pining and not being able to let go and love in San Francisco. I mean, where do you expect my mind to go? Stanford Wincest all the way. How Did You Know? by Jedward // lyrics // I don’t wanna hear a bad word about Jedward, they are good lads. It’s a cheesy song, but hey, I love it. Sam comes back. Well, here I am / I couldn't stay gone. Drive by Halsey // lyrics // All we do is drive / All we do is think about the feelings that we hide. And the California never felt like home to me line! So perfect. "We made a hell of a team back there." (01x01 Pilot) Belong by X Ambassadors // lyrics // This is where Sam belongs, really. Riding shotgun, in his brother’s car, on the open road. Link is a fanvid that makes me feel things. Go and watch it, because it’s everything.

You Could Be Happy by Snow Patrol // lyrics // “Sam, you were right. You gotta do your own thing. You gotta live your own life.” (01x11 Scarecrow) Do the things that you always wanted to / Without me there to hold you back, don't think, just do.

Big Black Car by Gregory Alan Isakov // lyrics // "Who was that?" "My brother." "What did he say?" "Goodbye." That soft, disbelieving, confused look on Sam's face when Dean tells him he's proud of him. When it turns out Dean loves him enough to let him go. It should make him feel happy and free, it should make him loathe his childhood, defiance should fill him to the brim. Instead it makes him run straight back to Dean. (01x11 Scarecrow) Hey Brother by Avicii // lyrics // Faith. (01x12) Link is a fanvid, because reasons. Oh, if the sky comes falling down, for you / There's nothing in this world I wouldn't do. Sober Me Up by Frankie Ballard // lyrics // Sam always seems to make the world all fall into place. (Sort of 02x03 Bloodlust vibes?) But baby when you kiss me all the demons seem to disappear.

Always Gold by Radical Face // lyrics // “Killing this demon comes first, before me, before everything.” “No, sir. Not before everything.” (02x07 The Usual Suspects) And they said you were the crooked kind / And that you'd never have no worth / But you were always gold to me. Sold My Soul by Zakk Wylde // lyrics // Bit on the nose, but my god, how fucking real. (02x22 All Hell Breaks Loose: Part 2) Let Me Sign by Kirk Matthews // lyrics // "Well, then let it end!" & "I'm gonna take care of you." (02x22 All Hell Breaks Loose: Part 2) Follow You by Bring Me The Horizon // lyrics // “I mean, you sacrifice everything for me.  Don’t you think I’d do the same for you? You’re my big brother. There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for you.” (02x22 All Hell Breaks Loose: Part 2) Say Something by A Great Big World // lyrics // "I just wish you'd drop the show and be my brother again. Cause... just cause." (03x07 Fresh Blood) Take Me To Church by Hozier // lyrics // “This obsession to save Dean? The way you two keep sacrificing yourselves for each other? […] Dean’s your weakness. And the bad guys know it, too.” (03x11 Mystery Spot) Outlaws of Love by Adam Lambert // lyrics // "You're my weak spot. And I'm yours." (03x16 No Rest for the Wicked) Everywhere we go we're looking for the sun / Nowhere to grow old, we're always on the run / They say we'll rot in Hell, but I don't think we will / They've branded us enough, "Outlaws of Love". Wanted Dead Or Alive by Bon Jovi // lyrics // Well, I had to include this one, for obvious reasons. (03x16 No Rest for the Wicked) In Other Words by Ben Kweller // lyrics // Dean's going to Hell. Sam's not okay. In his eyes I see the fear. Real With Me by Cady Groves // lyrics // Dean is not dealing well with remembering Hell. Sam is upset that he's not opening up. And it was never about what you were not / But I don't know how much longer I can hold on. Devil's Backbone by The Civil Wars // lyrics // None of it matters. Leaving for Stanford, choosing Ruby, the demon blood, that he’s Hell’s chosen. Dean will always come for his brother, no matter what.   Stay by Florida Georgia Line // lyrics // Sam leaves. It's fucked up. "Hey, you, uh... wanna take the Impala?" Dean doesn’t trust him, not like he used to, but he would say anything to make him stay. (05x02 Good God, Y’all) Hotel Room by Calum Scott // lyrics // They die in a motel room. They find out they share a Heaven. Sam can't find the words to explain. He wishes Dean would just give him time. (05x04 The End) So I kind of wrote a ficlet about this...? Read it if you fancy. Here Tonight by Brett Young // lyrics // The Wincestiest Wincest song to ever Wincest. The lyrics! Sometimes they can just take a minute to sit on the hood of the Impala and watch the stars, Apocalypse be damned.

I Hold On by Dierks Bentley // lyrics // “Sam, it’s okay. It’s okay, I’m here, I’m here. I’m not gonna leave you.” (05x22 Swan Song) Dean believes in his brother, and I’m a sucker for pick-up truck metaphors Lifeboats by Snow Patrol // lyrics // The look on Dean's face when he hugs Sam, when he realises that Sam's back, that he's alive. (06x01 Exile on Main St.) Potentially also some Purgatory vibes. Wild Horses by The Rolling Stones // lyrics // The moment Sam turned up on his doorstep, there was no question he'd choose him. Choose him over Lisa and Ben. Choose him over everyone. “But the minute he walked through that door, I knew. It was over. You two have the most unhealthy, tangled-up, crazy thing I've ever seen. And as long as he's in your life, you're never gonna be happy.” (06x06 You Can’t Handle The Truth) Heavydirtysoul by twenty one pilots // lyrics // “Pick one... Sam’s soul or Adam’s.” “Sam.” (06x11 Appointment in Samarra)

H.O.L.Y. by Florida Georgia Line // lyrics // Oh, this song. A bit of religious irony and whatnot, but my god. The lyrics are everything. You're the healing hands where it used to hurt immediately makes me think of how Dean helped Sam turn the pain from his scar on his palm into “stone number one, and build on it”. (07x02 Hello, Cruel World) I mean, Sam can't even tell what's real anymore, but he trusts his brother. Blindly and with everything he has, because that's who he is. But then there’s also Dean making his promise in the church, and Sam choosing him over dying in 09x01 (I Think I’m Gonna Like It Here). God. Just. I love this song for Sam and Dean.

Through The Dark by One Direction // lyrics // "We'll figure it out, okay? Just like we always do." (08x23 Sacrifice) Leave Out All The Rest by Linkin Park // lyrics // Sam is okay with sacrificing himself. He is ready to die. When my time comes / Forget the wrong that I've done. Demolition Lovers by My Chemical Romance // lyrics // “There is nothing, past or present, that I would put in front of you... I need you to see that." (08x23 Sacrifice) Okay, but look at the lyrics, and try and convince me this song is not about Sam and Dean. Love Will Tear Us Apart by Fall Out Boy // lyrics // "You wanna know what I confessed in there?" (08x23 Sacrifice) TALK ME DOWN by Troye Sivan // lyrics // The look in Sam’s eyes changes, his face falls. "How do I stop?" He chooses Dean like he always does. (08x23 Sacrifice) Brother by Kodaline // lyrics // “Come on. You and Dean? That’s something special, don’t you think?” (09x08 Rock and a Hard Place) Link is a gorgeous fanvid, go watch it and cry. Little Lion Man by Mumford & Sons // lyrics // Dean really messed up this time. Gadreel fall out stuff. Sam breaks up with him in a motel car park in Wisconsin. (09x12 Sharp Teeth)

better off by Jeremy Zucker & Chelsea Cutler // lyrics // "Something's broken here, Dean." (09x12 Sharp Teeth) & "No, Dean, I wouldn't." (09x13 The Purge)

I Can't Go On Without You by KALEO // lyrics // Sam taking Dean’s body home, laying him on his bed, drinking by himself in the dark. (09x23 Do You Believe in Miracles) I Won't Give Up by Noah Guthrie // lyrics // "I am going to save my brother." (10x01 Black) Sam never gives up on Dean. Brother by NEEDTOBREATHE ft. Gavin DeGraw // lyrics // “I never even said thank you, so…” “You don’t ever have to say that, not to me.” (10x04 Paper Moon) Link is another beautiful fanvid, because I can’t help myself. Sittin' Pretty by Florida Georgia Line // lyrics // Sam's sunshine and he’s endless planes of warm skin, soft long hair, and sometimes Dean looks at him. Really looks at him. (No, okay, but the Chevy line really made it for me.) Blood Brothers by Luke Bryan // lyrics // "I don’t need a symbol to remind me how I feel about my brother.” and "The two of us against the world!” "What she said.” (10x05 Fan Fiction) I don’t know, country songs just make me think of Sam and Dean, okay.

I Will Follow You Into The Dark by Daniela Andrade // lyrics // “This is my life. I love it. But I can’t do it without my brother. I don’t want to do it without my brother. And if he’s gone, then I don’t…” (10x18 Book of the Damned)

Golden by Fall Out Boy // lyrics // Dean is so so broken. “No, there is no other way, Sam. I’m sorry.” (10x23 Brother’s Keeper)

Church by Fall Out Boy // lyrics // This whole song screams Sam and Dean to me, and initially I thought of Sam’s Wall breaking down, but then I got stuck on the lines And if death is the last appointment / Then we're all just sitting in the waiting room / I am just a human trying to avoid my certain doom and that’s so clearly Dean killing Death, unable to murder his little brother in the end, because his devotion to Sam runs too deep. (10x23 Brother’s Keeper) In which the SPN writers and Pete Wentz really should get together and discuss over-the-top religious imagery. You are doomed but just enough. Right Back Home by Lifehouse // lyrics // “We are home.“ (11x04 Baby) Be There by Seafret // lyrics // "Bring him back. Bring him back and take me instead." (11x17 Red Meat)  You're my way out / You're my way through / And I can't, I can't / Be without you.

Only the Brave by Louis Tomlinson // lyrics // “I need him, he needs me.“ (11x23 Alpha and Omega) With or Without You by U2 // lyrics // The absolute poetic tragedy of 12x09 (First Blood). The way they don’t even have time to really look at each other after six weeks apart, that they are both ready to die for each other without a moment of hesitation.

I Won't Mind by ZAYN // lyrics // “I'm good with who I am. I'm good with who you are. Because our lives? They're ours and maybe I'm too damn old to want to change that.” (14x13 Lebanon)

Fine Line by Harry Styles // lyrics // "Just us.” (15x19 Inherit the Earth)

[bi-makes-pie]

"I'm her best enemy" Playlist [ PART ONE - Songs 1 to 30]

Click READ MORE to see the whole list

1. Nemeses (feat. John Roderick) – Jonathan Coulton I mostly see this as being in the Master’s POV.

“Could it be that you need me To keep you out, to run you faster Promise me you'll let me be The one, the worst of all your enemies”

2. Crazy – Burn the Ballroom 12 to Missy. This one is quite cute. He does calls her mad, but we all know the Doctor isn’t exactly the perfect picture of sanity either.

“She had problems with my love connections So she bought me bullets and she made corrections (…) I'd say crazy, doll, but you've got something different I'd say complicated but that's your kind of rhythm I'd say lost and you'd say love

But you're crazy not to see That you're crazy just like me...”

3. Silence – Citizen Shade This kinda makes me picture the Doctor trying to give in and settle down with the Master (any version) while dealing with the inner conflict that they’re far too cruel for their taste.

“I found peace in your violence Can't tell me there's no point in trying I'm at one, and I've been silent for too long”

4. Dangerous Man - Little Dume This alternates between the Doctor’s POV and the Master’s. But you can also interpret it as being 100% about any version of the Doctor, since they do have a dark side.

“Every bone in my body's bad Fire's burning, the skies are turning black They say I'm a dangerous man” “Can you hear the storm's a coming I'm a silver in the lining There's a spark in me They say I'm a dangerous man Better run fast as you can Don't you look back”

5. Under Covers – LeRiche A bittersweet song about two people who had this precious friendship and love for each other, and about how distance can keep it all bottled up but once they give it a chance, they immediately go right back to the start. Just fits them very well, if you picture a happy ending to their relationship.

“I don't know why you're looking for a friend I'm right by your side But out here from a distance You won't look me in the eyes Without your love, I think I could die Then you let me in, we go back to beginnings When we were just friends hanging out on the ceiling We'll laugh about love and how we felt for one another And I love the way we make up under covers”

6. The Scientist – Coldplay A song about longing to make things right again and with little analogies involving science? I mean…

“Nobody said it was easy It's such a shame for us to part Nobody said it was easy No one ever said it would be this hard Oh, take me back to the start”

7. Renegades – X Ambassadors The “They actually stole a TARDIS and ran away together from Gallirey” AU we need so much

“Run away with me Lost souls and reverie Running wild and running free Two kids, you and me And I say Hey, hey hey hey Living like we're renegades”

8. Love is War – American Young I like how cute this song is and yet there is a bit of a dark twist. Fits them.

“Sometimes love is all that can save us Sometimes love can kill a man Yeah sometimes love is a soft touch Or a pistol in your hand Sometimes love is a white flag (...) Sometimes a cannon ball But it's worth fighting for Baby, sometimes love is war”

9. Bury a friend – Billie Eilish (Cover by Pomplamoose) Master’s POV. Can apply to any of their regenerations but I think of Simm!Master the most, since Ten tends to run towards him rather than walk away from him.

“What do you want from me? Why don't you run from me? What are you wondering? What do you know? Why aren't you scared of me? Why do you care for me? When we all fall asleep, where do we go?”

10. Come as you are – Nirvana (Cover by Imaginary Future) Best Enemies, everyone. Master’s POV again.

“Come as you are, as you were As I want you to be As a friend, as a friend As an old enemy (…) And I swear that I don't have a gun No, I don't have a gun”

11. Turn – The Wombats Academy!Era, Doctor’s POV. Theta (Doctor) clearly has a crush on Koschei (Master) and they’re both love being chaotic together. 

“I like the way your brain works, I like the way you try To run with the wolf pack when your legs are tired I like the way you turn me inside and out I like the way you turn I like the way your brain works Baby, it's the crazy I like I think I saw the world turn in your eyes”

12. Run – Snow Patrol Master’s POV if he was ever able to be honest about his feelings. Some parts can easily be read as the Doctor’s POV too.

“You've been the only thing that's right In all I've done And I can barely look at you But every single time I do I know we'll make it anywhere Away from here”

13. Maps - The Front Bottoms The Doctor’s POV as their relationship deteriorates after the Academy and he plans to steal the TARDIS and leave Gallifrey and his friend behind. I had to help myself from quoting the whole song because IT REALLY FITS SO WELL.

“There is a map in my room, on the wall of my room And I've got big, big plans (…) You say 'I hate you', you mean it And 'I love you' sounds fake It's taken me so long to figure that out I used to love the taste, I would do anything for it Now I would do anything to get the taste out of my mouth (…) "And what about your friends, Don't you love them enough to stay?" And I say, "If I don't leave now, Then I will never get away." Let me be a blue raft on the blue sea, I'll blend right in”

14. Old College – The Mountain Goats This fits the tiresome, sad, manipulative and draining part of their relationship.

“The warning signs have all been bright and garish Far too great in number to ignore (…) Our love has never had a leg to stand on From the aspirins to the cross-tops to the Elavils 

But I will walk down to the end with you If you will come all the way down with me”

15. Like a Staring Contest – The Future Kings of Nowhere Covers the end of their friendship and start of the new enemies dynamic. 

“I'm so tired of open warfare When the point of this was to be best of friends (…) When you fall in love as hard And recklessly as you and I do It seems that the final act should have The same intensity as the first scene”

16. Poison and Wine – The Civil Wars Reminds me of 12 and Missy but before Series 10. 

“You only know what I want you to I know everything you don't want me to Oh your mouth is poison, your mouth is wine You think your dreams are the same as mine Oh I don't love you but I always will” 

17. Genesis 30:3 – The Mountain Goats The mentions of a past relationship and the following lines followed by drums really make me picture this as Simm!Master and Ten getting a happy but bittersweet ending.

“For several hours we lay there, last ones of our kind Harder days coming, maybe I don't mind Sounds kind of dumb when I say it, but it's true I would do anything for you”

 18. Blood Under The Bridge – Frightened Rabbit Could literally be any version, but I picture Dhawan!Master and 13 making amends here, mostly because he might be crazy and frenetic but behind that façade he’s clearly way more tired than she ever will be.

“And it's alright, it's alright It's just blood under the bridge And I'm too tired to fight And you're sick of feeling sick And so am I It's alright It's just blood under the bridge”

19. Even Though Our Love is Doomed – Garbage  Missy’s POV. You can interpret this like her train of thoughts and reflections starting from early Vault days to the last time we see her on-screen. Reluctance, guilt and then the resolution.

“Come a little bit closer I need to understand Why we kill the things we love the most (…) Can you love me for what I've become Love me for what I Said that I would not become 'Cause they don't burn like I do (…) And even though our love is doomed And even though we're all messed up You're the only thing worth fighting for” You're the only thing worth dying for” 

20. Starlight – Muse 12 and Missy during the episodes World Enough and Time and The Doctor Falls.

“Now I'll never let you go If you promised not to fade away Never fade away Our hopes and expectations Black holes and revelations” 

21. Control – Halsey This screams Missy to me, especially since she literally incorporates the character of the evil nanny in her book (The Missy Chronicles) and in Big Finish’s audio dramas.

“I'm bigger than my body I'm colder than this home I'm meaner than my demons I'm bigger than these bones

And all the kids cried out, "Please stop, you're scaring me" I can't help this awful energy God damn right, you should be scared of me Who is in control?”

 22. Enemy – Woodlock End of Academy!Era. Yet another song which reminds me about their early fighting days and the end of their friendship.

This is where it begins At the start of an end I could no longer pretend No more, you walked out the door You’re my enemy

23. Why Can't We Be Friends? – The Academic The title says it all. The lyrics also mention how the relationship is always turning into something new, so I had to associate with the longest friends to lovers to enemies we’ve ever seen on television.

“This world is pointless If you're not here This world is pointless If we're not self-destructing love And it falls and it breaks and it turns into something new And it falls and it breaks and it turns into something” 

24. Wish That You Were Here – Florence + The Machine Doctor’s POV, in the days when he regrets leaving Gallifrey for a couple of seconds before turning to occupy his with something else. Because he knows that even if he went back, things aren’t the same and everyone has changed – including him.

“And I never minded being on my own Then something broke in me and I wanted to go home To be where you are But even closer to you, you seem so very far

And it's beautiful but there's that tug in the sight I must stop time traveling, you're always on my mind”

 25. No Light, No Light – Florence + The Machine This one makes me picture the first moment the Doctor realized his friend had changed too much and had to choose between his own feelings and standing for what’s right. This happens A LOT in the show, but I imagine realizing that for the first time was the hardest.

“But would you leave me If I told you what I've done And would you leave me If I told you what I've become No light, no light in your bright blue eyes I never knew daylight could be so violent A revelation in the light of day”

26. Dancing with the Devil – Wolf Gang This alternates between the Master’s POV and the Doctor’s POV. 

“If you're the chosen one How does it feel to be loved by no one? If you're the number one Where do you run to? Can you hide behind the sun? You say that there's no oxygen again You're forcing down the lies but you always get your way Something tells me that this was all arranged You tricked me once again” 

27. Skeleton Park – Kasador Master’s POV. “You know, back in the day, I'd burn an entire city to the ground just to see the pretty shapes the smoke made” (Missy, in The Lie of the Land, Series 10, Episode 8)

“When the house is on fire Air fills my lungs I satisfy desire From watching all you run Yeah the house is on fire Hear the sirens scream My hands hold the lighter It fits so naturally”

28. Elastic Heart – Longfellow What I love the most about the Doctor (all versions) is how they keep fighting for what is right despite their own feelings being hurt or despite how much it may cause them pain. I love what this character represents, and those lyrics reminds me so much of them. 

“Oh why can I not conquer love? And I might have thought that we were one Wanted to fight this war without weapons And I wanted it, I wanted it bad But there were so many red flags (…) Yeah, let's be clear, I'll trust no one You did not break in here I'm still fighting for peace”

 29. Bite Back – The All-American Rejects “You think you've broken me? You'll have to try harder than that” (The Doctor, in The Timeless Children Series 12, Episode 10). Same unbreakable side of the Doctor, but this time she definitively resents it a little more than usual. 

“You couldn't break me in the end And such a freedom I enjoy When you're deaf to the sounds you trust If that was all you've got, my friend Then set yourself to disappoint” 

30. No Children – The Mountain Goats Listen to me here: this covers the whole “They were married way before they started to hate each other back on Gallifrey” fan theory.

“I am drowning There is no sign of land You are coming down with me Hand in unlovable hand”

[ PART TWO TO BE ADDED SOON ]

[morrisondauthor]

“Rules of the Game” – Part 2

           I couldn’t lose focus of my principles. That was something I kept in mind as I headed to Kenton’s hotel to pick him up. How we met was still unbelievable to me; especially since I met him on my one-year anniversary of becoming celibate. From what I could tell on our first so-called date, he was a good guy. He could hold a meaningful conversation and he seemed interested in me beyond sex. As excited as I was, I couldn’t let down my guard. I had to remember the rules.

           “The beach?” he asked me as I parked my car. “This is where you wanted to bring me, first?”

           “We’re both already dressed for it,” I told him. “Besides, everyone knows Miami has the best beaches.”

           “What, are we gonna rent some bloody surfboards or something?” He laughed as he climbed out of the car with me.

           “No, but I do want to get in the water. You do know how to swim, right?”

           “Yeah, I can swim.”

           I took my shirt off and tossed onto my seat before saying to him, “Then let’s go get wet.”

           He smiled as he chased me onto the beach and out into the beautiful water. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t looking at his sexy shirtless body as we played together in the water. He was easily the sexiest guy out there that day. His smile and that damn accent had me hornier than ever. And after a year of celibacy, I was definitely getting horny at the sight of this beautiful man. However, I was in control of my horniness. I controlled my hormones and urges.

           “So, when you say you’re celibate,” he said to me as we exited the water, “does that mean you don’t even masturbate?”

           I giggled and with a fake accent replied, “No, I’m not a bloody wanker!”

                                            Me (Julian Baxter)

           He burst out laughing and put his arm around my waist as we walked alongside the water. He then asked me, “How do you do it? I can’t go two days without at least a little morning masturbation.”

           “I just focus on other things. I put all of my energy into other things. I meditate. I read. I laugh. I do think about sex and I look forward to having sex again, but it’s just not everything to me. Going a year without it has shown me that it’s not everything.”

           “You’re brave.”

           I giggled and told him, “Stop. I’m not brave for being celibate.”

           “Yes, you are. It takes a lot of dedication to do something like that for as long as you have. You have me ready to give it a try.”

           “Seriously?”

           “Yes. Especially if it means I get to keep seeing you.”

           “Ken, we’re just talking and hanging out. You have a life back in London.”

           “I have family and friends back in London. I can have a life anywhere I choose.”

           “Well, all I know is…”

           “Hey, excuse me,” called out this woman as her and a guy she was with approached us. “Hi, can you guys watch me and my fiancé’s stuff while we go swim? You seem like decent guys and you’re obviously together. We’d really appreciate it.”

           “Sure,” Kenton told her. “We’ll sit here and watch your stuff for you.”

           “Thanks, guys,” the guy said as he shook Kenton’s hand and then mine.

           After watching the man and woman go out into the water, I looked at Kenton and informed him, “Don’t make it a habit to help out Americans. People in this country have no shame about taking advantage of people who help them.”

           “I didn’t do it just to help them out,” he explained with a smile. “I want to sit on the beach with you and now we have beach chairs to sit on.” He sat down on one of the beach chairs and I sat beside him.

                                              Kenton Clarke

           “So, what’s life like in London?”

           “It’s not much different than here. It’s a lot rainier there than here. But I love rainy nights back home.”

           “Wow, I love rainy nights, too.”

           “Hmm, I wonder what else we have in common. What’s your favorite TV show?”

           “Game of Thrones.”

           His eyes lit up as he said, “Get outta here, bruv. Are you serious?”

           “Yes. I’ve seen every single episode and I’m a member of a few online forums.”

           “I’m in some of the forums, too. This is wild.”

           “What kind of music do you like the most?”

           “Soul and neo-soul. I like artists like Maxwell, India.Arie, Floetry, Musiq Soulchild, Corinne Bailey Rae, and I love everything that Jill Scott has ever made.”

           “Okay, this is starting to get weird. My iPhone is full of soul and neo-soul music. Wow. The only thing that would make this weirder is if you were a loyal Janet Jackson stan like me.”

           His eyes lit up as he told me, “I worship Janet. I keep a pic of her from the All for You era in my wallet for good luck.”

           “I have a poster size version of her ‘Someone to Call My Lover’ cover photo on my wall!”

           “That’s the pic I have in my wallet! That’s one of my favorite songs by her.”

           “Mine, too.”

           “This is incredible. I literally have no friends who are Janet fans.”

           “Me either. Wow, Ken. We’re more compatible than I thought.”

           He stared into my eyes and agreed, “Yeah, we are.”

           We sat out there on the beach and talked until the couple came out of the water and thanked us for watching their stuff. Kenton and I continued to get to know each other as we resumed our walk along the beach. After a short while, we headed back to my car and I drove him to one of my favorite places to eat. It was this food truck that sold the best tacos, burritos, quesadillas and enchiladas in Miami. We got some food and then sat down at one of the few tables that were available.

           “This is hands down the best taco I’ve ever eaten,” he told me with his mouth full of food.

           “I told you,” I said back with a smile. “Me and my friends come here all the time.”

           He finished chewing and took a sip from his beer before asking me, “Are you going to introduce me to your friends?”

           “Oh, I don’t know about that. They’re not exactly as easygoing as I am. Some of them are picky and others are brutally honest.”

           “Their behavior hasn’t fallen on you obviously. You’re like the nicest person I’ve ran into since coming here.”

           “I have my moments.”

           “I bet you’re so sexy when you’re mad.” He quickly stopped himself from going further and told me, “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to say it like that.”

           “Ken, it’s okay for you to give me compliments. I think you’re sexy, too.”

           “You do?”

           “Yes, I do.”

           “I just don’t wanna disrespect you. I’ve never really spent time around someone who is celibate.”

           I stared into his eyes as I admitted, “I haven’t been this tempted to end my celibacy before. But I have rules and I’m going to stick by them.”

           “What are those rules?”

           “They alternate in level of importance depending on my mood, but the main one is that I will not have sex if an attempt at a serious relationship is not guaranteed. I refuse to be with someone who will not respect my mind, my body and my choices. Absolutely no downlow men, and no one with a crazy stalker ex or a complicated situation that could lead to me getting into some drama. And my potential partner must have goals that he wants to reach in his life. That’s one of the most important rules to me. Do you wanna know why?”

           “Yes, I do.”

           “Well, because I have my very own goals that I want to reach and if the right guy for me comes into my life at the right moment, then we can help each other reach those goals.”

           He smiled as he looked down at the table for a quick second. He then looked back into my eyes and told me, “Those are decent rules. The rules are meant to be broken saying doesn’t apply to your rules, Julian. I wouldn’t want you to break any of those.”

           After we finished eating, I took him around to a few more of my favorite spots before bringing him back to my place. No, I wasn’t going to have sex with him but I did want to have a more intimate conversation with him without any distractions. When we got to my little townhouse, I led him inside. I needed to get a little buzz going for myself so I fixed us some drinks. I put on my favorite Janet Jackson playlist and turned the speakers up a little before sitting down beside him on my living room sofa.

           “I’ve never had a Tequila Sunrise that tastes this good before,” he told me after taking a sip from his drink.

           “That’s because it’s not a Tequila Sunrise,” I told him with a laugh. “It’s a Rum Sunset.”

           “I better go easy on this. It doesn’t take much rum to have me jumping off the bloody walls.” He took another sip before sitting his glass down and asking me, “How did you learn to perfectly mix drinks? I can’t make a tasty mixed drink even if my life depended on it.”

           “It’s all about balance.” I sat my glass down and asked him, “Do you prefer to be with men more or women?”

           “Men, definitely. I have been with only two or three women who knew what they were doing in bed. Every man I’ve been with has either met or gone beyond my expectations. I usually like to go off of body language and most women rarely know what their bodies want.”

           “Hmm, interesting. Was your first sexual experience with a man or a woman?”

           “Woman. Well, a young woman. We were fourteen and she got me riled up after my soccer practice. That actually came close to messing up my opportunities.”

           “How so?”

           “She wasn’t on any contraceptives and I didn’t put on a condom. She got pregnant and had to get an abortion.”

           “Whoa. I bet you were afraid, huh?”

           “I was scared silly.” He chuckled before telling me, “I learned from that mistake though. I’ve been wearing a condom every time I have sex ever since then. What about you? Were you always open with your sexuality or did you have to fool around with some girls?”

           “I’ve been out for a good while now and no, I’ve never done anything with a woman except share skincare tips and paint her toenails.”

           “I bet you held on to your virginity longer than I did.”

           “You said you were fourteen, right?”

           “Yeah.”

           “I was seventeen when I lost mine. My first time was with a basketball player at my high school. His name was Isaiah Hudson and I still hate him to this day.”

           “Why?”

           “Because we would talk and hang out all the time before I gave him my virginity. Right after the sex, he started ignoring me. He did hit me up one more time but it was for more sex and when I told him no, he cussed me out. Ken, I felt so used. I hate that feeling.”

           “I’m sorry that happened to you. No one deserves that kinda treatment.” He moved closer to me and gently rubbed my back. “I wouldn’t do anything like that to you, bruv. I admit, I do my share of hooking up but when I meet someone I really like, I do like doing the boyfriend thing.”

           I giggled and asked, “Boyfriend thing?”

           “You know, going out on dates and spending time with each other. Wearing matching clothes.”

           “Matching clothes? You’ve done that before?”

           “Yeah. Julian, I’ve been someone’s boyfriend before. I know what to do in a relationship. Hell, all of my relationships have ended on good terms and the breakups were over scheduling conflicts or me not having enough time. I am dedicated to finding someone special and devoting my time to him.”

           “Don’t you mean him or her?”

           He moved even closer to me and said, “No, I mean him.”

           Before I could even take in a single breath, his lips were on mine. Surprising myself, I reacted by kissing him back. The kiss only lasted a few seconds but it was enough to make butterflies flutter in my stomach. He smiled the cutest smile and just stared into my eyes for the longest without saying anything. I smiled and finally broke the silence by asking, “Why did you kiss me?”

           “Because I really like you. Why did you kiss me back?”

           “I don’t know. I guess because…I really like you, too.”

           “What are we gonna do about that? I’m going to be here for a few more days. I have an important decision to make and now it’s more complicated because I have a good feeling about you.”

           “I’ve had a good feeling about you since we met yesterday. This is definitely a unique situation.”

           He reached back to the table and picked up his drink. He took some sips from it and then asked me, “What are your plans for tomorrow?”

           “I’m not sure yet. Why?”

           “Because I want to spend as much time as I can with you, Julian.”

           “Even though you know we’re most likely not going to have sex?”

           “I don’t care about that. I don’t need to have sex with you to know that I wanna spend more time with you.”

           “But aren’t you worried that we’re moving way too fast?”

           “There’s no such thing as moving too fast when it comes to stuff like this. If I know what I want and you know what you want, what’s the problem with acknowledging it and doing something about it? I know you’ve been with some shitty blokes but that’s not who I am. And I’m going to prove it to you. I’ll spend my last few days in America—for the time being—proving that to you.”

           “And what happens if you decide you don’t want to play for the Miami soccer team? You’re just going to go back to London and pretend as if you never met me?”

           “I’m a man of my word, Julian. I’m dedicated to seeing where this goes with you.”

           “I am, too. Okay, I’m in. We have a few days to see where this could go. If by the time you’re ready to leave and we’re both not convinced this is worth it, then we can walk away from it without any hard feelings.” I extended my hand to him and asked, “Deal?”

           He shook my hand and replied, “Deal.”

           After drinking and talking and listening to Janet Jackson music for nearly two hours, he got an Uber to come pick him up and take him back to his hotel. I wasn’t sure how the next few days were going to go, but I did notice how much I was opening up to him. I felt like I could trust him. While in bed later that night, I texted back and forth with him. All I could do was hope that I was doing the right thing and that he wasn’t playing me.

[Disclaimer]: Pictures used do not reflect the sexuality or personality of people in the pictures. They only serve as visual examples of the characters.

© D.A. Morrison 2017

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How to Celebrate Valentine’s Day on a Budget: 6 Gift Ideas for Her

What to do for Valentine's Day this year?

Celebrating love is wonderful, but what if you’re on a tight budget this year on Valentine’s Day? Making a woman happy can become quite stressful because you want to see that pretty smile on her face, as she receives your gift. Moreover, it becomes even more overwhelming as everything around us seems to scream: ‘Buy me!’ Advertising is at its best on such a holiday, like the Valentine’s Day. Everywhere you look, you are literally blinded by shinny and glossy store window displays. It can be really hard to contain yourself as a woman, but have no fear because we are here. We’ve gathered some interesting gift ideas under $50 in a previous article which also might be useful in your search this year. Gift or dinner? Fortunately, as surveys reveal, it seems that preferences for gifts on Valentine’s Day have significantly changed. A number of 2,000 women being surveyed have put lavish gifts on a second place. The higher rank went to more close-to-the-heart options, like having a romantic dinner or spending intimacy moments, but take care not to gain weight by Valentine's Day fest. However, if you choose to physically gift your better half, there’s no need for you to become a spendthrift. Just arm yourself with some creativity and keep on reading. You might find some good inspiration in our 6 on a budget gift ideas for this day.. 1. Valentine’s Day cards Early on, when this love celebration started to actually mean something for people all around the world, cards were the first gift ideas. History tells us that the original Saint Valentine fell in love with his jailer’s daughter. Before going to his death he left her a letter, which he signed with ‘Your Valentine’. Nowadays, people are more likely to choose a pre-printed card available in all stores. In fact, there is such a great variety and you can find some really creative patterns. And all this just for a few dollars. However, if you’re trying to be more personal and romantic with your Valentine, you can go for a homemade card. In the end, you’ll get quite the positive reaction, especially if this is your first time creating something with your two bare hands. You can write whatever you feel like on it and it can be easier to express yourself through writing. Just use your own words to show your love for your sweetheart. No store bought card will be better than this and it practically costs nothing. 2. Flowers Another traditional and thoughtful Valentine’s Day gift idea are flowers. It could be the colors or the scents that make women smile each time they receive them. Either way, flowers were, are, and we dare to say that will always be a great gifting option. For many years now, roses were thought to be the best option for showing some love on this holiday. Victorian England might have something to do with this. It seems that in that period’s elaborate language of flowers, red roses portrayed romantic love. However, Mother Nature gives us the most beautiful roses during summertime. Of course, you can still find some very colorful and scented ones in February, as well, but at high prices. This is justified, considering that florists receive most of their roses from South America and shipping them on such a long distance needs more financing. Instead, you can say ‘I love you’ with one single rose. Attach a love note to it, where you use your own words to express your feelings and there you go. Your partner will surely appreciate it. Also, you could turn to potted plants. They last longer and your loved one can even plant them in the soil, at some point. You can choose an orchid, a chrysanthemum, or an African violet. And the best deal is that you get to pay less than half of what you’d spend on a bouquet of roses. Another great alternative are paper flowers. From roses, to any other type of flower, you can surprise the love of you life with a unique gift. These last for years and you can make them on your own. If you pick a paper that has some love texts written on it, you’ll get that Valentine’s Day romance touch. 3. A little bit of sugar A little sugar never killed nobody, right? Chocolates have become a very popular gift idea for celebrating Valentine’s Day. However, these can be quite expensive, especially on this day, when people are more willing to spend more money. But you could go for a wiser option and think outside the box…the chocolate box that is. The market offers a great variety of less expensive alternatives, like chocolate-free candies, heart-shaped, and colored in red that will surely make a great impact. Now, if you have a chocolate fan at home, you can always try to make something on your own. Cook some heart shaped cookies or dip some strawberries in chocolate. Basically, you can give a heart shape to any food, like an omelet for breakfast or a heart shaped sandwich. It’s more personal and such a gift will get a better reaction, we believe. 4. Books For any occasion you can think of, books can really make the best gift option. The current market offers a vast range to choose from. For Valentine’s Day you can keep the love vibe alive and choose those that focus on romance. Moreover, since hardcover books can be more expensive, you can choose audio books or e-books, if your partner has a device to read or listen to such formats. We believe that those used paperback books sold on Amazon are best, as you get them for quite the low price. Most of the time, the shipping is more expensive than this type of book itself, but it’s worth it. Think of a romantic book like hundreds of love notes all put together between covers. To make things even more special, you can write a short love message on the fist page. 5. Sounds of love Similar to books, music has a lot to do with each individual’s tastes and preferences. You can build up a selection of songs to feast your lover’s ears with. No need to mention that the perfect selection will show how much you appreciate her tastes and how well you know her. Also, you can always buy a CD or download a song that you know she likes and use it as a soundtrack, while you tell her you love her and you have a quick dance on it. Short and sweet! And the options don’t end here. You can use Spotify to make an entire playlist of songs that you know for sure will go straight to her heart. Be smart about this and choose those songs that may have put a mark on certain moments from your relationship. Think of the song that you first danced on, for example. To go even further with this Valentine’s Day gift idea, you can write a song for her, if you can accompany it with an instrument you know how to play. It doesn’t have to be a hit, but just personal. Now, if playing at an instrument is not your thing, you can just write it and gift it as a poem, in a colored envelop. She’ll certainly appreciate it. Or you can use your voice, no matter how good or bad it is. It’s much better to express your love on Valentine’s Day with your own words and voice, rather than using someone else’s lyrics. And it’s free! 6. Heart-shaped gifts The heart shape is known by everybody to represent the symbol of love. Since this is the feeling Valentine’s Day celebrates, you can choose items shaped as hearts. The market in February is literally filled with heart-shaped items, from purses, mugs, to cards and chocolate or candy boxes. However, don’t limit yourself to these suggestions, only. You can turn to Amazon, where the month of love, February, brings along multiple gift options. Moreover, the prices are really good. But, as we’ve mentioned in the previous lines, whatever you create with your own bare hands is best. Let’s say you find a set of heart-shaped cookie cutters. Now, don’t gift your loved one just the cutters. You don’t want that weird look on her face on Valentine’s Day, right? Instead, bake some cookies or pancakes. Delicious and thoughtful! Plus, you can find online all sorts of tutorials to make your own cookie cutters from soda or tuna cans. Now that’s even better, isn’t it? Another cheap, yet really nice Valentine’s Day gift idea is a deck of cards. Use the 13 cards with hearts and integrate them in all sorts of projects. Let’s say you arrange all these 13 cards in a heart shape on a board and in the middle you write the best love message you can come up with for your better half. Also, you could write some love words on each card. When you get to the 13th one, you can point out that it’s not a bad luck number, but rather the luckiest one, as your love makes it this way. Or you can come up with a better version of this message. A heart-shaped box can be a great gift on Valentine’s Day, as well. You can find numerous online tutorials that show you how to build one by yourself. When you’re done you can fill it with candies or paper flowers, or even small love notes. It’s all about the hearts! Conclusions Valentine’s Day celebrates love and this feeling is something that no amount of money can buy. No matter how much you pay for a gift, if it’s not offered with sincere appreciation, it will only look and feel forced. While you can always express your love with a spoken few sincere words, you can still offer physical gifts. You don’t have to spend money like water. Our on budget Valentine’s Day gift ideas are all about showing love through creativity, while focusing on expressing the value of the genuine feeling that bonds you to your sweetheart. We honestly believe that the value of your gift in money has nothing to do with the intensity of love you feel for your partner ‘in crime’. In fact, numerous surveys done in the last few years clearly show that women tend to be more appreciative of DIY gifts. Music, books, and even heart-shaped candies will always count more, if they are offered the right way. It’s all about letting the love you feel inspire you to create the perfect gift for that special one you have in your life. Read the full article

[wearethegladiators]

ANSWERING RECENT HEADCANONS AND RADOTING

Sacha using his fists to defend himself before his wand is a big ass mood

Remember when the rebels rescued Lily in the Excidium verse and she head butted one of them

Like I said they’re actually super alike!! Sacha’s the alternative version of Lily that managed to stay on the right path :’)

HE’S PROBABLY AFRAID OF BLOOD THE BBY

Gnnn now I can see a Peeta/Johanna-like relationship between him and Lily?? Like the “we’re very familiar with each other’s screams” part. I’m not ok wbu

Sacha as a cook I’m 100% here for it

Lily too started getting tattoos when she was caught for the first time and sent to the Ministry around her “registration number”!!!!! The feels

EDAN SPENT 5 YEARS IN JAIL WTH HOW IS THIS MAN STILL ALIVE GIVE HIM A MEDAL

Sacha and Lily escaping all the time always <3 The deatheaters must be so mad hihihihi

How old is actually Edan?? Wait he must have known Wyn from Hogwarts + she was a prefect as well

Sacha completing a muggle degree made me so emotional like?? It’s like he felt he didn’t completely fit in and :’( :’(

I like these plots of people not completely fitting in tho (Sacha, the Auderic, the Blackbirds, etc.) JK Rowling always made it seem like tout allait bien dans le meilleur des mondes and hm?? Not buying it you’re not even a democracy oy

Also Lily contacted the Order pretty early on so that they could help her hide her family. So she probably met with Edan wayyyy before Sacha (or like, they probably knew each other from Hogwarts, but not so much?? Lily was too busy trying to save Slytherin souls you know :’))

All Gryffindors are assertive and arrogant let’s face it (Wynona is I am EVERYONE IS)

 The whole Edan plotline is :’(((((((( I have no idea how Wyn would react to that but she’d definitely be involved. Wyn has always been independent and has never relied on anyone (before the accident at least), but I feel like Edan could have been the one she was confiding to about the shit she was struggling with. Kids and Sacha could always confide to her and count on her support; but she was the mother, the big sister, it was all one-way, except maybe with Edan. So she would care a hell lot

Also she cares so much about Sacha and this is so terrible for him like

It’s Wynona tho so she may try to confront Edan mdr, so the explosion plot wouldn’t be so unlikely hihi

Or maybe she’d be surprisingly caring?? Like that would be the thing to reactivate her soft spot

Also caring for Edan would be her awkward way of showing Sacha she still fucking cares for him

Siblings relationships will be the end of me I swear to god

  Running away!! I can totally picture a scene in which Nathan and Lily would be quiet, and it would be weird because they’re rarely just the two of them now, and one of them goes like “maybe we should just run away/maybe we should have ran when we still could”

Nathan thinking he’s too weak is a big no tho

I also have had this scene in mind FOR AGES and I need this to be canon??? Nathan and Lily. Sitting on a roof. (This was Excidium’s era yo, remember how they lived on a mf roof??? MDR) It’s all quiet. And Lily grabs Nathan’s hand. “I’m proud of you. I’m proud of us.” BIIIITCH I NEED EPISODE 2 OF THIS NATHAN NEEDS EPISODE 2 OF THIS

The frequency to which I rely on capital letters is becoming concerning

Tbh I just miss the Nathalily banter. I just want my girl to go like “you’re my family BITCH”

Remember in Excidium (sorry hihi) when they found each other after MONTHS and one of the first things she said was “yo you look like shit”??? #MyNathalily

(Also I always forget how hot Nathan actually is. Mdr and Lily is just like “oy ugly”)

(And yes!!!! How he used to FAIRE DES PUTAINS DE LABYRINTHE A LA SORTIE DE SON DORM what a bitch I love him) (I miss them as kids :’(((((()

(Most of their les Ames Mortes friends must be dead btw. Bonne ambiance)

(Once I had a dream where Kira was somehow coming back??? Which was cool because he was sort of Lily’s psychologist and that would GREATLY help rn)

Gnnn Lily would be like “You CAN’T let the McMillan run this thing” but at the same time she would not do anything about it?? Placing all the burden on his shoulders. I’m sorry Wyn and Lily are such shitty friends atm but they’re… so far gone, in a way :’(

It will get better tho!! LOVE IS MORE POWERFUL REMEMBER

Actually Lily and Nathan are facing the exact same problems mdr so they should see it eventually

Lily’s not a leader, OR at least she never meant to be one. Pls just let her be Nathan’s bras droit once again, I feel like they both need it rn

OR MAYBE THEY NEED TO RUN AWAY

Sorry

I’m just thinking so much about how Aron’s death must have affected their relationship. Like Aron was Nathan’s brother too tbh

I also thought Nathan’s connection to both fire and water was so interesting yoooo, especially because Lily is so much the incarnation of water to me (even tho she’s also very earthly and she’s, in a way, full of fire)

NATHAN ON A DRAGON’S BACK IS BOTH TERRIFYING AND SEXY AF

Remember the part where Wynona now has two fully grown dragons?? Just sayin

Nathan was actually quite dark on Les Ames Mortes mdr, I remember this whole dark mark storyline and holy shit

“He’s been TAMED and you CAN’T tame him he’s a wild animal” *slow claps even tho this may not be a very reassuring perspective*

 I feel so sorry for Nathan and Sacha!! (And Wyn and Lily mdr)

 OK I’M HAVING SO MUCH WYNONATHAN FEELS ATM

As I was writing the Blackbird scene I was like “this reminds me of something hmmm” and then I remembered Nathan’s story and!!!!

These bitches have so much in common they must laugh it off to pretend like it’s not serious business

I can so much picture Wyn bringing Nathan to the Ranch and him seeing the Thestrals and casually saying “it’s been so since [he] was a kid” “oh me too” “hahahahaha how fun”

Wyn making fun of Nathan’s patronus “hahahaha you’re so in love with me right” (bonus if Nathan does not know her last name yet and she goes “do you know who the fuck I am”)

I LOVE Ydria and you know who else would LOVE her?? Wynona. Yes. If she ever meets her tbh she’s gonna stan (poor Nathan mdr)

(Rick Yaxley already???? Wtf I didn’t know about that what a bitch wtf wtf wtf)

(btw quite canon that Wyn’s family has also been executed by deatheaters because they were becoming too much of a threat/were too out of control/were non-white so no one could understand them mdr)

Btw. The parallel between both their families in terms of integration to the pureblood scene is EVERYTHING. They were such powerful families and the others were such racist pieces of crap

The Blackbirds have never been fine politicians. When Blackbird Père figured out it would be nice to have allies on the pureblood scene he probably rushed to the Lestrange because 1) they’re scary af and 2) Corvus oculum corvi non eruit. I swear to God

When they could have been allied with the Oderikos I’M SORRY BUT

Btw chapter 3 is Wynona at one such pureblood gathering :’) and SORRY AGAIN but don’t tell me the table for discussing politics was not organized by “family importance”. The Big Seven, then the other British families, than the… non-white people :’) Also just saying that if the table is organized alphabetically that means that WYNONA’S SEAT WILL BE NEXT TO NATHAN’S MDRRRRRRR

Is this really how they’re gonna meet (cause tbh I’m here for it) (I even mention it briefly at the end hihi you’ll see) (I’m a foreshadowing queen y’know)

Just saying that if the Oderikos and the Blackbirds could have seen their resemblances… “I have a son you have a daughter we’ll join our houses…..” In a parallel universe Nathan and Wynona could be married just saying hein

Sorry but the association of these two houses sounds terrifying I like it

But do you know who are the most terrifying people of these families?? YDRIA AND THE AMERICAN BRANCH. WHAT IF THEY COME. BOTH OF THEM.

Can Wyn somehow figure out that Nathan has Native American blood pls this just needs to be addressed

Can they teach other “unorthodox magic/ways of burning things”???

(YDRIA AS DESCENDANTS OF GREEK GODS I’M DYING!!!!!!!!!)

(ODERIKOS MEN BEING CURSED!!!!!)

100% agree that Nathan and Wyn could burn the world AND each other up

Not directly related but you know my original plan was to have Wynona die in a massive suicide-bomb attack. Just like casually leaving Nathan’s bed in the middle of the night to blow herself up. I mean I don’t know what this is doing here but I just needed to say it

Omg yes they’re such soulmates but I don’t think they’re good for each other. STAR-CROSSED LOVERS MUCH omg

Pretty sure Wyn knows that but… there’s not much she can do about it mdr

Like before the war she was confiding to Edan, but in the war she found someone so much like her, that can relate to the trauma she’s been through?? She craves it, she NEEDS it and she is always going to need it

(Gnnn she just needs someone to take care of her ok)

Plus if the kids have adopted Nathan, can you imagine

People being like “he’s good for you/you’re good for each other” WELL ACTUALLY

Maybe relationships which start with fights are not meant to end so well??? Maybe that’s just too much fire??

(Also huge need for an angsty RP where she’s just yelling at him “YOU LEFT ME AT MY LOWEST” and shit. Does Nathan need that? Probably not. But I do hihihi)

Anyway je radote ptn

 Et en attendant j’ai fait d’autres playlists just as messy as this post:

·         Lily : https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLQ0c2JClJHl10O5TcXXte7AD8K7I46ARt

·         Evans siblings: https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLQ0c2JClJHl2GyO486p5UjsMRHot_h-on

·         A bby one but well-needed for Cassiel: https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLQ0c2JClJHl3ZNPaKs-7i56Gcsosu7xyQ

·         Nathalily: https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLQ0c2JClJHl3RUhSkv0gTftnzcBJj7aaE (pls don’t hit me for the last one ok)

·         WYNONATHAN: https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLQ0c2JClJHl3cyiZtCP-40U6Ze8SXYGy7

 Bye

[arrowtoe31]

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