#but lol bd version or whatever

[queenofalpaca]

Oh both Go to Sleep, Scrapper and Bode's Force Background have me super curious for the WIP ask!

Coming right up! thanks for the ask, Anon 🩵

Go to Sleep, Scrapper

This one is obviously inspired by Cal’s chronic inability to take care of himself. It’s planned as a 4+1 though I guess I could make it a 5+1 by just adding Cordova or something, we’ll see. It starts with instances of Greez, Cere, Merrin, and BD trying to convince Cal to go to sleep, and failing. Cal just has too many issues. Stubbornness, nightmares, insomnia, you name it, the guy’s probably struggling with it. The common theme here is that they all use some variation of “Go to sleep, [nickname]” btw, hence the title.

Cue the +1 in which Bode shows up, pulls “Go to sleep, Scrapper” and Cal promptly drops dead. Here’s a little snippet I do not remember writing 😅

It was probably stupid, but Bode needed Cal alive and well if he wanted to have any chance of getting to Tanalorr. He stepped into Cal’s path.

“Go to sleep, Scrapper.” It wasn’t hard to extend his presence just enough to shield the soft brush against Cal’s wobbling shields. He wouldn’t remember this tomorrow. Probably wouldn’t remember it even without the soft suggestion to forget along with sleep.

Cal, predictably, dropped like a rock, right into Bode’s waiting arms. He had to take a step back to brace himself; Cal was heavier than he’d expected. Cal wasn’t bothered though, already snoring away into his chest. Bode huffed and pulled him into a more secure grip.

It took him a few moments to realise that the others had fallen silent, their quiet conversations stopped. He looked up to see all of them staring at him and Cal in various states of utter disbelief.

And that’s it. Just some cute little fluff about Bode finally getting Cal to take a dang nap. And possibly cheating a little bit to do so, lol

Bode’s Force Background

So you know the stony/rocky background going on in the meditation circle menu? This started as an effort to figure out what that might look like for Bode. That somehow split into both Haunting and the fic that’s still in this file, but I’ll tell you about this one (it’s the better one anyway, lol)

The idea is a 5+1. Yes again. I have a thing for 5+1s. They’re just easy to write, what can I say. This one’s angsty as hell tho (good job balancing things out, anon). The thing is, if I post it, this one will probably be called Haunting actually 😂

Now here’s the problem: this one features a big old plot twist. Trying to sell you this fic without spoiling it will make this description rather short. Bode is being haunted by Cal. He keeps catching glimpses of him, but he remains always just out of reach. That’s about as much as I can say.

What I will ramble a bit more about is what I came up with for Bode’s Force/Meditation background, and maybe you’ll even get an idea on what the big twist is. So. Bode’s a spy and he’s very good at hiding the fact that he’s Force-sensitive at all. Here’s my pitch: Bode’s meditation background changes to align to his current surroundings. Whatever place he’s in/planet he’s on, his background will change accordingly to a slightly surreal, dream-like version of the same place. The only common element is water (because the SpyScrapper discord is obssessed with the water/fire thing and I am not immune). In any case, the water. It seems natural at first glance. Rain on Coruscant, the river/waterfall on Koboh, a dripping sink on Nova Garon, stuff like that. But if you look a little closer, it might seem strange that it’s raining on the lower levels of Coruscant. Bode’s ‘true’ meditation background, when he’s not lying to himself and others and trying to make himself fit into his surroundings is a big old lake/ocean. Something something hidden depths, you get it.

And that’s as much as I’ll say (there’s more ideas on themes/metaphors but again, plot twist). One last thing though, because there isn’t yet enough angst: this fic will also feature the post-game Force Echoes. Make of that what you will, heh 🩵

Now for the next ask, I’m gonna need you guys to choose something I can drop actual snippets for 😂 unless you want to have the fics that are still mostly just concepts 😅

[yumeasmrscript]

[Part 3] [M4F] Drowning in lust within the prince’s web [Spicy] [Love triangle] [Prince VA x Listener] [Yandere? Dom Prince] [Dark romance] [Fantasy] [BD/SM] [Drugged/willing listener] [Ropes] [Oral] [S3x] [Dirty talking] [Praise]

Author's note: Hi everyone! It’s been so long since I’ve last written something this spicy and now I just want to go hide somewhere and ask forgiveness for my sins lol, but still, I hope you will enjoy this!

Part three of the series is here now, and soon I’ll post the 4M and 4A version of part three, available on ScriptBin. There you can easily find part 1 and 2 if you missed them!.

This part it’s just… smut. So if you feel uncomfortable, you can either skip the more explicit scenes and just stick to the spicy stuff at the beginning and the ending, or you can just skip to part four directly, as this part doesn’t give much more to the story itself, sooo it’s up to you!

You can monetize with this script and, since it’s NSFW, you can paywall it too as long as you provide me a copy of the audio, in both cases please credit me and let me know, I’d love to listen to your fills!

You are free to edit sfx, moods, as long as it doesn’t change too much the story or the character(s) involved, and since English is not my first language, you are free to edit anything that might sound weird to you! NB: You can find the full NSFW script on scriptbin (I'll put the link below when things gets more explicit)

Summary (for listener): The prince led you into his chamber and formally asked you to become his wife. To ensure that there is no room for anyone else in your heart, he is willing to use any means necessary. Now, trapped in his web, you can only surrender to his love: your skin craves his touch, your lips his kisses. And, kissing your shivering butterfly wings, the Prince desires nothing more than make you his.

____________

[Action/Things/Moods] Emphasis on a specific word/Thoughts

[Charming] I wonder, princess, is this your first time? You look so adorable when you’re embarrassed, and I must say, that your trembling turns me on even more. I’m eager to touch you, and I’m sure that you too want it so badly, but there’s no need to rush.

[Dominant] Remember, princess, that when I tell you to do something, you will do as I say. You are allowed to beg, and you can talk to me only if asked a question. And whatever your answer will be, you will always address me as Master. Be sure to remember that, princess, or I’ll have to punish you.

Now… [Charming] Your dress is gorgeous, but it’s kind of in the way now, don’t you think? [Whispering] What shall I do now? Should I tear it apart? Should I order you to undress in front of me? Should I just… creep underneath with my fingers? Caressing gently your legs, your waist…

[Chuckle] We only just started, princess. I knew it, though, that you were a greedy girl. You can’t even wait for a little bit, and you already want so much more. [Whispering] I’ll give it to you, if you behave, princess.

Oh, this is going to be so much fun. Finally. You don’t even know how I longed for someone like you. [Whispering] Start begging, princess, because I’ll hardly be able to control myself tonight. [Kiss]

[Darker] Don’t move. I don’t remember giving you permission to touch my cheeks or hair when I kiss you. Maybe I should just bind your wrist, to make sure you won’t make any more mistakes here. And, this ribbon here… might be useful for that. I have plenty, to be honest, but isn’t this so much better? Removing it from your dress, will make it loose too. [Sound of fabric, the ribbon is removed]

[Charming] What’s that expression? You’re being turned on for so little? [Chuckle] Get up, princess.

[Dominant] I said, get up. I won’t punish you now, not yet, for not doing as I say right away. But I wont’ be so merciful next time you’ll make me repeat myself twice. [Whispering] Do you understand, princess?

Good girl. Raise your arms. [Wrists are getting tied] And, for now, let’s leave you like this. Isn’t it nice? This balcony bad has a bar on top of each side, it’s so useful when I just want to hang a rope from there. The ribbon works just fine too, doesn’t it? Even if you wanted, you can’t lower your arms like this. I wonder, now… [Curious, but in a creepy/horny way?] how long will I have to wait before your dress falls off, with nothing let to keep it up? [Chuckle]

[Soft dom] The more your cheeks turn red, the more I enjoy it, princess. [Kisses] The more the dress comes off, the more I can kiss your skin. Tell me, do you like it, princess?

[Slap]

[Darker] I thought the rules were clear to you. You should address me the way I told you. And I went gentle here, don’t challenge me: your face won’t be the only red thing otherwise. Since we have just started, I’d love to wait a little more bit before ruining you. [Chuckle] [Charming, but still dark] I’ll make sure that you will remember how I made every mark your body will have tomorrow morning. And, if you don’t, I might have to make some more.

[Charming] Oh… it looks like your dress isn’t bothering us anymore now. Look at you, princess, your body is just perfect. I adore your curves… [Kisses] Where is it more sensitive, princess? Is it your neck? [Kiss] Or maybe your belly? [Kiss] ...Maybe your inner thighs? [Kiss]

[Chuckle] It looks like the more I kiss you, the more you moan. Doesn’t matter where, you still enjoy it. You just want it all, don’t you? [Mocking, in a horny way] What a greedy princess you are.

[Serious] Hm? Your arms are getting numb? If you behave, maybe I’ll let you lower them. You’ve been making so much noise here, if you manage to keep quiet, I’ll let your arms get some rest. [Gentle] How does that sound, princess? Will you be a good girl and stay silent?

[Chuckle] We’ll see that. [Footsteps] I hope you don’t mind if I blindfold you. Not that you can do anything to stop me anyway. [Putting blindfold on] Isn’t it better now? You only need to focus on my voice, on my touch…

[Spank] [Whispering] Quiet, princess, quiet. Or you’re going to stay like this for a long time. [Spank] That’s better. [Spank] You’re being such a good girl. [Spank] Do you like it? Do you like being spanked like this?

[Laugh] [Charming] How clever, nodding instead of answering directly. You really are a good girl, so obedient. I wonder how much should I push you until you’ll break the rule again? [Chuckle] Oh, I can see it now. My princess just wants to rest her arms, right? You act like a good girl because you want your prize, not because you really are one. My princess is a bratty girl underneath the obedience mask, isn’t she? [Kiss] I like it more this way, princess. It will be much more fun forcing you to behave, than seeing you obeying right away like a well-trained pet. Because... if anyone is going to train you to behave [whispering] that’s going to be me. [Spank]

[Chuckle] [Gentle]You earned your prize, princess. Let’s untie the ribbon from the bar. [Pause] There you go. Can you feel the blood going back to your fingers? Good. And what do you say when someone does something for you?

[Choking the listener] [Whispering, creepy] I don’t think I’ve heard you well enough. Say it again, maybe correctly this time, and I’ll let go of your neck. It must be hard breathing now, but I’m sure you’ll put an effort in saying what you should. [Pause] That’s better, princess. [Happy sigh] Stay still, I’ll make your body much more beautiful. [Footsteps]

[Grabbing the rope, tying the listener up, sound of chain form the collar] [Charming] Tied up like this, is so much better. The pattern of the rope is so pretty on you, just like the collar you wear. When I hold the chain, you look exactly like a cute little pet. Now, slowly, on the bed. There you go… How does it feel? You’re so exposed to me, and yet you can’t do anything to stop me. Based on the way you changed the rhythm of your breathing, you really are into this. [Laugh] I don’t even remember the last time I had so much fun. I knew it, I knew it, you would have liked it. I told him, and I was right. Oh, princess, this definitely wasn’t a coincidence.

If I have to be honest, even without making you drink that, I’m pretty sure you would have enjoyed it anyway. Because that’s who you really are, right? [Darker] A greedy girl who wants to be tied up and used, a bratty princess who loves to be punished. [Whispering] Oh, my darling, you don’t even know how hard you make me. But if you want to be fucked like the slut you are, you’ll have to implore me.

[Pause]

[Mocking] I can’t hear you, princess, raise your trembling voice a little bit. But careful, if you’re too loud, some of the servants outside might hear you too. You don’t want to let everyone know how much you want to be fucked, do you? [Chuckle]

[Darker] How I love it when you beg like this. But, you keep forgetting something important. Are you doing that on purpose, princess? You really want to be punished, don’t you? I wonder… how should I punish you now? [Chuckle] You know, I really love your stubbornness on not following my rules. It really makes this a lot more fun. But what’s the point of punishing you with something you like? I might spank you again, but that’s what you’re looking for. You want to be spanked, choked. And here that a punishment becomes a prize. No, no, this is not how it works, princess.

I guess… you’ll just have to wait some more. You begged for me to fuck you, so the best punishment would be to make you wait even more that moment. On the other hand, though… why should I give up having fun myself with you? It’s your punishment, not mine. So…

[Sound of chain being pulled closer] [Whispering] Why don’t we just put that mouth of yours to good use? Maybe, like this, you will learn how to properly address me. Come on, princess, open up your pretty lips… [Laugh] [Charming] I knew it. Gosh, you’re so impatient. You don’t even care where, you just want my cock inside you. Oh, princess. If you want to suck me, and I’m pretty sure you do, you’ll have to earn it.

Oh, now, you beg in the way you should? [Laugh] Unfortunately, that’s too late, princess. But keep your mouth open, I’m not going to be so merciless with you. [Dominant] Good girl, now that’s better… Just stay like this, and feel my fingers on your tongue. Suck them, lick them. Careful with your teeth, you don’t want something that forces your mouth open all the time, right? That would be so uncomfortable for you to wear. That’s better. Look at you. [Chuckle] Oh, I definitely can’t give up seeing your pretty eyes now. Let me remove your blindfold. [Blindfold removed]. Hm? You won’t look at me? What if I pull your hair, will you then raise up your pretty eyes?

[Charming] Oh, yes, that’s a wonderful expression. Your beautiful eyes say a lot more than what your mouth would say. Especially now, that’s pretty busy sucking my fingers. “More, more” Isn’t that right? You want more? [Pause] Then, since you’re so greedy, I will give you so much more, princess. [Whispering] And I’ll make sure, it will be unforgettable for you.

///If you want to read the full NSFW script, you can find it here. The password is "SpiderPrince" ///

[Panting] Gosh, that was so intense, princess. And look at you… I got all of your belly dirty. Fuck, how amazing it was. I can’t even remember last time I felt so much pleasure when fucking someone, you really are something, princess.

[Gentle] Did you like it, princess? Did you like being fucked, while being unable to resist me? How does it feel when you have to accept everything that’s done to you?

Amazing, right? Yes, definitely. I’m so happy you enjoyed it, princess.

What? [Laugh] Do you really think I’m done? [Getting darker] Oh, princess, the night is still long. I won’t be able to stop myself at all. The more I look into your craving eyes, the more I want to use your body. I’ll keep going until I’ll be satisfied. And after all this time waiting for the right person, it might take a while. I’m sorry, princess, tomorrow you could be a little sore. [Gentle] But you don’t have to worry about that: I’ll take responsibility and I’ll take care of you. I told you, with me by your side, I’ll make you the happiest.

I’m so grateful I’ve found you, princess. And I’m so happy you chose me.

Tell me, my dear: [creepy] do you know who is the one who takes care of the royal garden?

Hmm? You don’t? [Chuckle] It’s not that important, after all. You don’t have to worry about it. [Gentle] Say, princess, are you ready for more? [Kiss] You’ve been such a good girl until now, will you keep being one for me?

Of course you’d be. Oh, greedy princess. [Kiss] We’re going to have so much fun tonight.

[Darker] I won’t stop, until your broken wings will be completely unable to move.

[tkeyahwrotethis]

I remember, I remember when I lost my mind. There was something so pleasant about that place.

I met someone new in group today.

I feel so boring compared to these other ladies... lol which is kind of a relief.

The lady I matched up with today was... married. With actually a really nice ring. I'm super curious to know like why... is a married woman in a counseling group for single mothers?

She explained to me that she and her husband had known each other since they were teenagers. He was her first love and once they were in college they started struggling with substance abuse. She got help for her issues but his mental health got really bad, worse than hers, even though they both suffer from mental illness. He started becoming emotionally and physically abusive towards her and then she got pregnant and it somehow got even worse. Their child is 3 now. She realized he was never going to change because she tried to get him therapy and on medication to help him and he never wanted the help. He started being resentful of her and blaming her for things that could in no way be her fault if she tried but he needed a scapegoat.

"I sat him down as my best friend, someone I known for half my life and told him I needed a divorce because he's hurting our family. we both cried about it but he understood and told me he'd give me what I wanted. Why did this nigga start acting SUPER CRAZY. He started doing things that made the cops have to pick him up and admit him into mental health facilities for months at a time so he wouldn't have to legally sign the divorce papers"

(I chucked because that's literally so hilarious)

"She's like that's where we're at right now. I beg him and plead to him to sign the papers, we cry, and he agrees and says he will do whatever I want him to do, he wants me to move on and be happy then he goes and does some crazy shit that he goes away and never signs the fucking divorce papers. I feel like he's making me crazy again because why won't he just sign the papers?

Fast forward to today, I've moved out and I consider us separated even though he won't legally divorce me. I'm truly hurt by everything he's put me through but I decided to start dating. I connected with this guy he just got out of a toxic relationship with his bm, and they have 2 kids together. I have real feelings for this new guy but there's some red flags. He constantly compares me to his babymother when it comes to how I choose to raise my daughter and run my house but in the same breath will say he wishes he met me before he met her. It gets annoying. Then whenever my bd is home I try to get him help, I try to get him to sign the papers, and I'm still wearing the ring. So I'm not perfect either because I know that annoys my boyfriend. Like I always have one foot out the door in my old life."

She started looking to me asking for advice.

I basically told her that the easy answer is she needs to leave her bd alone. you cannot reason with crazy people. they will never feel like they're in the wrong. he's blaming you for shit that could never be your fault... but she kept making excuses for her bd so I feel like she's not closing the door on him right now.

I told her I don't really know my bd that well, random tinder hookup. He doesn't want to be a father so I'm doing it alone. I showed her pictures of my baby. She was like wow she's so beautiful she looks like a white version of you !! that made me giggle.

I kept thinking to myself .... what kinda sex mentally ill people be having lol

[rgr-pop]

don't reblog this because it's personal and will look antisemitic from the outside lol

okay so, unfortunately it's simply true that everyone in michigan who has opposed bds in dsa publicly has been the descendent of real estate developers (and not small ones). this is like the detroit jewish evil version of DC consultant class linkedin dsa. little bit culture, could just be a coincidence, but i like to think of it as apartheid legacy when it's convenient to do so. beryl satter family properties pt ii: zionist dsa afterlives. listen--my best detroit jewish friend who grew up in zionist hell, their family is just doctors. you know? be a lawyer. whatever. anyway. sam says this is just how middle class becomes middle class. he was like my grandmother was a navy engineer... then i showed him the wikipedia of a guy that opens with "he was the largest landowner in michigan." nvm. anyway, again

so one of my least favorite antis (for the sake of this we're calling them antis, let me be), her dad was a semi public figure but he wasn't a developer (he was a regular public figure, actually kind of like my own grandfather), so i didn't realize that her grandfather was actually in fact also developer. and compared to some of the aforementioned, it's nothing too crazy. but i wanted to look more into the particular developments, partially because i'm hateful, primarily because i'm nosy, but actually really because this is one thing i always do to learn more about developments in their specificities and their legacies. housing, shopping malls, honestly not for me but this is taubman land. i'll allow you to have a shopping center grandfather

in any case there was a lot of newspaper coverage of this massive development he was a partner on in flint. outside of flint. so i dug into this because i know the place, was interested it. hilariously, if you want apartheid legacy bites, here's one from his company: "to assure the future of a new community such as this, it must be big enough to protect itself against he encroachments of undesirable elements and to set standards for future neighboring development." wow. to this anti's credit, she's not the worst yimby in the bunch.. the irony of that would be too delicious. god won't let me have it.

but i continue to read on this and i notice yet another familiar name, although named here as a designer and not a developer, of a golf course, a last name of a former anarchist friend who had lived in flint and claimed to me that their family owned a golf course. (jewish family but i'm not sure if this side was jewish. flint jews -- too rare.) looking more into this designer i'm not sure there's anything to be ashamed of (kind of neat, if money) but to make this a very "hilarious left" moment, this anarchist, i found out last year, organized a shop with the WORST guy (not relevant here - he's chicago italian), who would later become the worst dsa guy. basically that organizing set him on the course to dsa. powermap this!

anyway i was like "i hate the left" but who am i to talk, my grandfather was the kissinger of west bloomfield

b if you are ever reading this i am sorry if this is embarrassing, i accept your apologies, but i had to post this

[sweet-little-dude]

taku it feels like i haven’t talked to you in ages. cries. also also i love the new theme!! even if i miss the mizo mid pfp

anyways i am here to tell you that i FINALLY watched s2 of tokrev omg aren’t you proud of me 😌😌 i don’t really have much to say abt it tbh bc i mean i knew everything that happened already you know everything that happened already soo... but i gotta tell you abt the moments that made me feel the most things bc well. i gotta tell someone and my qpp was live experiencing everything bc i watched s2 with them & three of our friends so it’s only you left. okay so first i gotta explain shakey time bc uhh my qpp & i are both shit with ~emotions~ and ~feelings~ so basically when either of us Feels Too Much TM we grab the other by the shoulder and shake?? honestly i have no clue why but somehow it helps with processing ??? well i’m calling whatever that is shakey time. so. too much shakey time in those 4 hours i swear. most notably the whole manila mikey shit (i mean i knew ehat was gonna happen but still 😭😭😭😭) and then on a wayyy happier note izana!! izana <33 and shion and mochi and the haitanis <33 so much shakey time. love izana’s japanese va (idk abt others we only watched it sub so). very happy and i have newfound motivation for sm stuff now help. also do you happen to know who that guy beside mochi was in that one shot where we see him, izana, shion, kisaki iirc, and the haitanis? bc my only guess is mucho. or some random unimportant guy. but like both of these don’t make that much sense. maybe i’m just forgetting smth idk

also i have no clue how the bd arc would do that but i am now going insane over the final timeline?? specifically the final timeline but everyone still has their memories from before the final jump. except maybe kisaki or smth idk but i haven’t figured good criteria for who remembers n why yet. i most specifically need bajitrio to remember bc i think that makes for fun hcs hehe. just kazu & fuyu subtly trying to check for baji’s pulse (or heartbeat) to make sure he’s actually still alive in this timeline n eventually it becoming a habit/subtle sign of love kinda thing bc they do it so often lol. also kazu & fuyu def have an obsession with falling asleep on baji’s chest while listening to his heartbeat. i feel it’d be very reassuring to them idk,, and i think kazu holds baji’s waist 24/7 when they’re the age he would’ve died + older bc there isn’t any injury or scar there (where he stabbed him in the other timeline-) and he sometimes needs to reassure himself that there really isn’t afjkfgjffh

while i’m on that mitsuya repeatedly calls draken in the middle of the night around the time where he died in the other timeline to make sure he’s alive. mikey just makes draken sleep over in his bed and solves the problem with that lol

also. hanma. hanma keeps forgetting that kisaki’s alive in this timeline at first and scares himself shitless every time they interact bc for a split second he thinks he’s going crazy seeing a ghost

kakucho simply never leaves izana again. problem solved 👍

mikey lives with emma & shin (& maybe izana... maybe......) so he knows they’re alive and well and since he makes draken sleep over anyways draken also knows they’re alive & well.

wakasa, benkei & takeomi call each other at ungodly times of the night n go ‘‘shinichiro is alive, right?’’ ‘‘last time i checked, yes’’ ‘‘good, thanks’’ and then hang up and go to sleep bc they don’t wanna bother shin but sometimes... sometimes there’s just doubt yk

while we’re at it i believe in takeomi being a better brother this time. like he still fucks up sometimes and all that but he genuinly tries and he actually pretty much fixes his relationships with his siblings bc they all learnt from the other timeline (and i want them to be happy okay). not sure if i believe in taiju being a better brother this time...

i’d like to say i’m normal abt this (au version of this) timeline but uh.... uh...... ngl i used to HATE hate the ending and i still don’t like it much but i am slowly starting to like it more but i’m not sure if i should be happy abt that ngl 😭 idk i think i mostly like the characters & some of the new interactions n dynamics, not the actual timeline. bc to me it will always be the final timeline’s biggest fault that basically nobody remembers anything from any of the other timelines bc all of the character development n shit is gone. but oh well

elys my love, hello! it really does feel like forever since we've talked youre righttttt. thank you haha!! my emo bands hyperfixation got so bad to the point of me putting in the effort of changing my theme, can you believe it? ok look, the mizo mid pfp aged like fine wine. still nice, but still aged

yayyyyyy!!! i am indeed very proud tehe. but that seems pretty effective? if it works for the both of you then good job!! yes the reveal of tenjiku!!!!! was screaming and pointing them out to my siblings the whole entire time so real. omg yes thatz good! [will answer that second ask of yours after this bcuz ik it was related to it lol]

STOPPPP THOSE ARE REALLY CUTE AND SAD AT THE SAME TIME I LOVE THEMMMM

big brainers i tell you

hanma :(((((((((

no cuz istg izana's whole death has to be one of the worst in tokyorev. like what did my boy kaku do to deserve this man :((

would be a nice house to live in / visit!

true theyre probably some of the characters that had it the worst ngl. like everyone went through an equal amount of shit with everyone's deaths but the bd's losing shin must've been horrible :(

YES LIVING FOR THE OMI GOOD BROTHER AGENDA this reminded me of that clear shot of him in s2 im gonna cry i love him i love him true i mean im sure he learns along the way tho, i'd hope so.

like the ending of tokyorev??? cuz boyyyy 💀💀 my thoughts on the ending is for another time but fr letz just say the ending wasnt the best thing ever like ong. i mean it was a good ending for the characters and its pretty much what everyone wanted but the way it took place was just not it T T ok but the koko n kisaki agenda is REAL they are so bffs honestly i live laugh love them. yeah nobody remembering what happened was shitty but at least chifuyu remembered? that was a nice detail during the ending ngl

[hotwaterandmilk]

[juanitasupreme]

Tell-all we need from groups :

After School : Oh yes oh yes. When someone as to do TWO different bd parties because two persons can't stand each other I need the tea! Like I know that Uee would be dragged lol. It will be either Juyeon or Lizzy. Juyeon can even talk about chindragon. And we all know Lizzy needs the money (she can talk about whatever her and Nana had going on allegedly).

T-ara : I would say it's time for Boram to make money but actually I want a version from Hwayoung 🐍 first. After that a member will write the truth in a conter-tell all

Exo : yes I am nosy and I want to know everything about the members not liking each other's.

Miss A: we know why

Red Velvet

Cosmic Girl : I want to know things

Secret : Sunhwa vs 3

[haienatrash]

When They’re Out of The Limelight

Note: Hi everyone, I hope you guys are doing fine. I decided to delete the first version of this fanfic and write another one with a different ending, coz I received some feedbacks (not just from tumblr but also on twitter) saying that the ending was depressing and that I was too cruel to the characters (which was true, i admit that and i’m sorry. Lol.) I love my moots and I don’t want them to be sad. So here you go, this version contains two parts, hope you guys enjoy the story! - haienatrash

Part I - The After Party

June 5, 2020 - Baeksang Arts Awards 2020

"Everyone's looking for you." Someone with a sexy baritone voice said which made her twirl in surprise. It was Ju Ji Hoon. He was still in his simple yet gorgeous tuxedo with the brooch pin that she had chosen for him to use that night.

Hye Soo smirked at him, a bottle of beer on her left hand. It was that familiar tipsy grin that Geum Ja often use to Hee Jae when they would drink a bottle or more of Soju in Hyena. She sipped a beer before turning her back on him again.

Ji Hoon on the other hand, smiled while admiring her voluptuous figure from the back, taking note of the small details just like the back slit of the dress, how it exposed a little of her skin and the Bulgari Diamond Serpenti flawlessly resting on her back down to the middle of her spine. He was truly amazed at how the black Ralph Lauren dress fitted her body perfectly, flaunting those curves that she maintained through the years.

But his brows creased when he realized she wasn't wearing the white coat she had earlier. She must have left it on the venue downstairs, he unbuttoned his tuxedo jacket and pulled it off from his torso as he slowly walked towards Hye Soo, the woman he wanted to spend the rest of his life with. Upon reaching her, he carefully placed the tuxedo jacket on her shoulder to keep her warm before leaning on the railing that reaches up to their abdomen. His gesture made her look up at him, but he was ignoring her stare pretending to look at the 360-degree view of Seoul. They were on the rooftop of the hotel where the Baeksang Arts Award 2020 after party was held.

"Hoon-ssi it's fine, you don't---"

"You're wearing a dress." He cut her off "Exposing your shoulder and your back..." He paused staring back at her before he continued what he was saying "Don't get me wrong, I have nothing against you wearing that sexy dress, but I don't want you to get cold, alright Sunbaenim?" He rolled his eyes the way Hee Jae did, that made Hye Soo chuckle, amused by how Ji Hoon still has a bit of his character with him.

"Hee Jae is that you?" She asked him still giggling a bit "Sorry, but Geum Ja's not here tonight."

"Who says I want Geum Ja? I want Hye Soo." He said not looking away from her.

There was no response from her, now the only thing they could hear was the sound of the gusting wind. Their gazes were locked, she could feel the blood rushing to her face turning her cheeks into crimson red. He never fails to make her feel this way as if it was the first time that someone said those words to her.

"But you can't." She said bitterly, looking away from him, setting the bottle of beer on the railing cap.

Ji Hoon looked down, "You don't trust me, do you?"

"Trust isn't the issue in here. It's the age, the opinion of everyone around us and the career... Your career."

"I'm willing to give it all up---"

"Well I don't, I wouldn't let you give up everything you worked for just to be with me." She cut him off staring back at him. "You're young, you're smart and you're talented, there's so much ahead of you. Don't waste it with someone like me and I am sure you'll find someone much better, someone who can give you a family, a son, or maybe a daughter." She explained but it seems like he wasn't listening to any of it.

"Then I'll take whatever you can give. I love you, and I know you feel the same... Please?" He grabbed both her hands and kissed her knuckles. His eyes started getting wet.

"Ji Hoon, stop." She said pulling her hands away from him.

"This is so unfair. I just wanted to be with you." She saw how tears pooled down his cheeks as he said those words. She felt her heart broke into million pieces, watching him weep because of her.

She couldn't help herself, but extend her hand to his face, cupping his cheek wiping his tears using her thumb. Then she pulled him closer for the last time and caught his lips with hers, kissing him slowly and softly making it linger, trying to ease his pain.

Hye Soo pulled out of the kiss before saying "Let's not see each other again."

Hye Soo walked away from Ji Hoon and did not dare to look back anymore, because she would just do the foolish thing and gave into her emotion again. It's better to end it right now than to fuck everything up later on.

Part II - The Resolve

June 24, 2020 - Hyena BD Commentary Filming Day

Ji Hoon tapped the shoulder of his driver reminding him to take the day off and park the car on the fifth level before he came out of the black Mercedes Benz. He was wearing a plain navy-blue colored t-shirt with a large print on the back and a pair of jeans his hair was neatly brushed up the way Hee Jae would like it, with a black face mask and sunglasses on, which helped him disguise himself and not be noticed by the public. He entered the building and walked straight to the elevator, he pressed the thirteenth button and quietly stood there waiting as it lifted him to his floor.

He still felt a bit dizzy and nauseous because of his hangover from last night, he had been like this for a couple of weeks now and it was still because of what happened at the hotel rooftop last June fifth. That was the last time he saw her, and it didn't go well. His heart ached as he recalled how she walked away from him saying that they shouldn't see each other anymore.

He tried reaching out to her since that night, calling her everyday or whenever he was drunk trying to fix everything between them, but she would just shrug him off and ignore his phone calls. He even drove to her house a week ago only to be dragged out by her security. Ji Hoon clutched tightly on his phone, suppressing the tears which was trying to pool out of his eyes, he shouldn’t be like this.

Be professional Ji Hoon. Be professional.

Ji Hoon knew what he did over the past few weeks was pathetic. But he couldn't just let her go, she meant the world to him and he was looking forward to spending the rest of his life with her. He wouldn't get tired of fighting for her. That was his main reason why he wanted to attend the commentary.

Hye Soo Sunbae would be there. He thought.

Ji Hoon kept on saying that to himself, that was the only motivation he had for almost three weeks, that the commentary would be a good chance to speak with her.

The elevator opened, he looked at the indicator saying they were already on the thirteenth floor, he walked towards Studio five and gently pushed the glass door of the studio; he was welcomed by some of the staffs and crews that he had worked with during the filming of Hyena. He bowed to them as a sign of respect mostly to those who he knew was older than him, then he saw Jang Tae Yoo the director of Hyena, standing next to a tall woman with short hair who's back was facing him.

Obviously, it was her. His sunbae. Kim Hye Soo. The director looked at his direction with a smile on his face. Ji Hoon could read his mouth saying, "Ju Ji Hoon is here." to her. She turned to him, she was wearing a simple white blouse paired with a tattered pair of jeans and a white coat draping over her shoulder, it was simple yet stunning. Well, Hye Soo has always been stunning even in those simple clothes, the corner of her lips curved into a little smile as if nothing happened between them.

Damn, she really is a good actress... He said at the back of his mind. Ji Hoon waved his hand to them, he walked towards them bowing to his leading lady and the director. He felt awkward, not knowing how he should act around her.

"We're glad that you're here already. Maybe we could start in an hour?" Asked Jang Tae Yoo looking up to Ji Hoon. Both leads nodded to him. "Good, we'll go get the lights fixed. Have some snacks first." He said patting Ji Hoon's arm before he left them alone.

Silence surrounded them. He sighed before removing his mask, folding it and sliding it into the back-pocket of his jeans.

I miss you.

I need you.

I love you.

There was a lot of thing that he wanted to ask, and he wanted to say to her but "Hey..." Was all that came out of his mouth.

"Hi." She responded, still with that minimal smile on her lips. She handed him a cookie in pink packaging, which he took instantly like a kid who was given a candy.

She stared at him intently, examining his face. His lips were pale and dry. "Take your sunglasses off, it's a bit disrespectful to greet the director with those on." She said using the director as an excuse to see his face better.

Ji Hoon, without any second thought, took off his sunglasses revealing the dark circles under his unique mismatched eyes, he looked exhausted as if he hadn't slept for weeks. Hye Soo sighed rolling her eyes, she knew it.

"Meet me in the restroom at the end of the hallway going to Studio six and don't forget to put back those sunglasses on." She said before making her way out of Studio five.

• • •

He opened the door of the all-gender restroom then he saw her leaning with her hips on the tiled sink waiting for him. He locked the door before walking towards her, he wasn't sure what she wanted from him but here he was, obviously he couldn't resist her. She stood up properly when she saw him walking towards her, motioning him to switch places with her. Now he was the one who’s leaning on the sink.

"What do you want?" he asked as serious as he could.

"Close your eyes." She stated, ignoring his question. Hye Soo thought he wouldn't do as she said but he did, but as the usual he couldn't keep his mouth shut. He kept on blabbering about how she said the other week that they shouldn't see each other anymore but here they were, in the public restroom, alone. That he called her every day, but she didn't answer any of them and how her security dragged him out of her village. He did all that as she got the wet wipes from her bag, she leaned closer to him and gently cleaned his face, removing the unwanted dirt from his flawless face.

She could spend her whole day just staring at him, memorizing every inch of his face taking note of the small details like the mole on his left cheek that you could barely see if you aren't this close to him and the pointed nose that she compared with the Himalayas, which he found funny.

Hye Soo pulled the primer and the concealer from her make-up pouch. Lucky enough, she still has the concealer that he left on her bathroom the last time he spent the night there which matched his skin tone. She applied a bit primer on his skin and some concealer underneath his eyes. She took her time as she did his make-up, they still have an hour and she wanted this to last, she wouldn't tell anyone, but she missed this dork, she missed him.

"Will you please shut your mouth for a moment Hoon-ssi?" She asked, applying a thin layer of powder on his skin.

"My eyes are closed already, and now you also want me to close my mouth. I don't even understand why you're doing this. You aren't even answering any of my question?!"

"Keep your tone down, will you?" She asked before putting the final touch, a lipstick. From his cheek, her eyes travelled down to his thin lips, it was dry, but she still found them kissable. She gulped.

Don't do it. Don't. Her conscience kept on telling her, but she did it anyway, she kissed him. What she did left him silent, her lips moving against his. It took him a minute or two before he returned her kisses. His hand on her hips pulling her closer to him. The kiss was soft and slow.

“Does that answer all your questions?” She whispered against his mouth before pulling away to catch a breath. "I did that to push you away. Because I wanted to protect you." She placed a hand on his chest. "Let's talk about this later, okay? For now, let's get you ready for the commentary."

He only nodded letting her finish his make-up. After him she fixed herself next, wiping down the smudged lipstick on the corner of her mouth before putting another layer of the same lipstick she used for Ji Hoon's lips.

• • •

After the commentary they drove straight to the Director's house to celebrate the success of Hyena. The whole Team H was there, together with the supporting characters of Hyena, Gyeong Hwa even prepared a cake with the candles saying 'Hyena'. It was fun to be with them again and have a nice dinner while catching up. The celebration ended around ten in the evening, and everyone had gone on their separate ways, but it was different for Ji Hoon and Hye Soo, they still needed to talk.

Ji Hoon parked his car a few blocks away from her house the way he did before. She looked at him and she knew he felt anxious about how their conversation would end up, she could see it on his movements that's why she held his right hand and intertwined it with hers.

"Hey, we'll see each other again, okay?"

"Are you sure---"

"I'm not." She looked straight into his eyes "I'm not sure about what I'm doing and what will be the consequences, but there's one thing that I'm sure of..." She paused, gripping on his hand tighter before saying "And that’s you. I'm sure about you, I'm sure that I want to be with you." She smiled reassuring him that she wouldn't let him go, not anymore.

- END -

Bonus Content!!

On December twenty-fifth Kim Hye Soo posted photo on Instagram with a silhouette of a man, with a very intriguing caption. Some fans guessed it was Ju Ji Hoon. Then the next day both their agencies confirmed that they were dating.

Note: This photo collage is edited, and none of these are true. Thank you for reading!! 

[lokilickedme]

Hello My Lady! Just because you asked, here are my faves of yours: #1 King (no surprise here), #2 Jack (too crazy not to love, and the stream crossing of pretty much all your stories is genius) #3 Chem/BD/TTW/TKH/TWK/can't remember them all. They're all special in their own way! Can't believe it'll be 3yrs soon since I started squatting your page!!! God time goes by fast! I'd like to add a special mention for the Muse Meetings, sooo funny, and a Golden Snowflake to Aleks. Cute little bumkin.

Thank you @fudgemuffinanon!  Dear god, has it been that long?  Seems like I joined up last year…*sits here blinking at my posts from 2015, wondering how that happened*

**LONG TEXT POST COMING UP**

You drew the lucky straw today my darling, I’m feeling wordy and in the mood to share.  A lot of people have asked me over the last couple of years how some of my stuff came about, and you mentioned one that gets a lot of asks.

Lemme tell you something about the Muse Meetings.  Way back in 1998 when I got my first computer, one of the very first things I ran across by way of internet fanfiction was a little something called The Very Secret Diaries penned by a writer named Cassandra Claire (who is now professionally published under the name Cassandra Clare).  The Very Secret Diaries (which are hilarious, btw) woke something up in me - mainly because, as a lifelong writer who had never allowed anyone to read 95% of my work, I finally realized that yeah, there were other people out there whose brains deviated from the standard in the same way mine did.  Her writing style back then (in the Diaries specifically, I’ve never actually read anything else she’s written) was very similar to the way I wrote, and those Diaries were exactly the sort of silly, ridiculous, irreverent thing I’d scribbled in my notebooks for most of my life.  And people liked it, she had a huge following based on just those out-of-context glimpses of her characters’ personal thoughts.  She was writing behind the scenes thoughts of characters, things that would never make it into books, and it was brilliant.  That was the kind of stuff I loved to write but had never given myself permission to show anyone.  She was showing hers to people, and they were loving it.

Which gave me the inspiration to not only put my work out there in the public eye for the first time ever, but to stick with my personal writing style (which I’d always assumed wasn’t what other people wanted to read, based on the books I’d been exposed to most of my life).  Not change anything.  Just do me.  And doing me meant writing silly nonsense if I wanted to.

So - The Very Secret Diaries are more or less the inspiration for the Muse Meetings, or at least the official written version of them.  I’d always imagined dialogues with my characters outside the confines of whatever story I was working on, but never thought anyone else would be interested in seeing me write it out.

The Diaries made me realize different.  Not only were her characters yammering and complaining and snarking at each other (both out of character and in), they were doing it in exactly the way I’d imagined my own characters interacting in the real world.  I loved it.  Seeing someone else do what I’d always done in my head - and do it in an official, out-there-in-the-public-eye capacity, was a revelation.  Finally I was able to give myself permission to write the way I wanted to, without restricting myself to the styles and methods in the books in the family library.  It had always been in my head, but now it didn’t have to stay there.  I could write proper stories, but I could also write what was going on in the other room, where the reader seldom gets to peek.  And other people besides myself might like it because hey, there’s precedent.

That was freeing, and I am grateful to Ms Claire for that.

So, a little history that leads up to how and why I finally started writing out the Muse Meetings:

My first fandoms that I wrote for online were Harry Potter and Star Wars (Kenobi specifically).  And yes, way back then (late 90′s - early 2000′s) there were already muse meetings among my characters.  I’ve been doing these for a long time, and I wish the out-of-character stuff I’d written back then still existed (my HP stuff bit the dust when The Restricted Section shut down, and my SW stuff was on FF.net for a little while but honestly I don’t remember my user ID there or the titles of the fics, though I have searched…so they’re most likely lost as well).  It’s sort of a shame because there were some old Anakin/Obi-Wan muse meetings that you guys would have loved…and the stuff between Remus and Sirius while we were hashing out what was going to be in their next chapter?  It still pains me that it’s all lost, but maybe it’s for the best.  That was nearly two decades ago, we move on to bigger and (hopefully) better things.

After my urge to write HP fic fizzled out I stopped writing for a while, but there were always muse meetings going on in my head for stories I scribbled mentally.  To me they’ve always been more fun than the actual stories, which explains my love for gag reels and behind-the-scenes featurettes for movies (I watch those first, always).

And then I found AO3 - funnily enough, I discovered it while searching the internet for one of my lost HP fics - and I decided to start writing in earnest again.  With all those thousands and thousands of fics and endless fandoms, it seemed like the perfect place to indulge my need to share what went on in my head.  And as I settled into the MCU and my stories started to grow to include multitudes of characters, those impromptu staff meetings with my muses kept being called to order.  Stuff that my characters would never say in the context of their stories got said.  Scenarios that were too ridiculous to waste time writing were played out.  Arguments and fights and bantering between characters who, in the restrictive confines of their own tales, would never in a million years interact…now they were throwing poptarts at each other (and occasionally knives) while the side characters wandered out of the room to watch TV or raid the fridge or sat in horror as someone’s until-now unassuming wife brandished a melon baller as a weapon.

It was messy and fun and was by far my favorite part of the writing process.

That’s what eventually became the Muse Meetings.  You want to know how they escaped my head and became an official thing?

Well I’m gonna tell ya lol

One of my very first friends in here, the fantastic @elvenfair1, was one of my first readers at AO3 and she told me I should post links to my fics at this site called tumblr to bring in a bigger audience.  So I opened an account here, followed her, posted some links as suggested, and she and I began messaging back and forth pretty much every night as we wrote our respective fics, bouncing ideas off each other and discussing plot points and brainstorming for character names.  And as my characters sassed me and refused to cooperate with what I wanted them to do, I would tell elvenfair what was going on in my head with my dumbass OCs and OFCs and we’d laugh and gripe about trying unsuccessfully to reel in our unruly muses.

And then one night back in 2015 she said “You should post this muse stuff, it’s hilarious.”

You know what the first thing I thought was?  Cassandra Claire did it 14 years ago and people loved it.  So yeah, I can sure as hell do it if I want.  If nobody is interested in it, at least it’ll amuse me and elvenfair and that’s cool enough.

And so I did.  I started posting them in here first, then as people started requesting them more I eventually moved them to AO3 in a more structured format.  And now you guys have multiple Lokis hurling curses at a bartender and viciously baiting a hapless movie star while teenage versions of two other attendees flirt with unsuspecting OFCs, with an occasional appearance by Thor dropping hints about future chapters and looking for fruit roll-ups.  It’s messy, but it’s fun and I’ve always enjoyed writing it as a way to let my brain decompress, especially when one of my “real” stories has hit a roadbump.

Since then I’ve seen countless other professional writers doing the exact same thing - J.R. Ward even posts her own version of muse meetings on her official website AND has a published book (her Insiders Guide) that is almost entirely nothing BUT muse meetings.   It’s surprising how many writers actually do this and I sometimes wonder if authors like Poe, Steinbeck, Vonnegut, Tolkien, Gaiman, McMurtry didn’t do it themselves (I’d bet money on McMurtry).  Just goes to show there’s not an original idea anywhere in the universe…no matter how much you might believe you came up with it first, someone out there has been doing it for a long damn time before you - and a million more will do it after you :)

Anyway, I haven’t written any muse meetings in a while but they still go on constantly in my head.  I get asked about once a week to go back to doing them, and one day I will, when I have time for it.  My actual fics are struggling for writing time as it is and I made a conscious decision to weed out the unnecessary stuff in favor of “real work” (yeah right lol)…but yeah, the Meetings are still one of my favorite things and I won’t stop doing them permanently - they’ll be back.

So thank you Cassandra Claire for inspiring me to let them fly…if it weren’t for those whacked-out Diaries, the Muse Meetings would all still be in my head with only one person (me) laughing at them.

[phakjira198]

2020 Recap

Most people won’t reminisce the year 2020, but they’ll probably look back and think what a shitty year it was, with covid-19, lock-down and abysmal economy. But for me personally, 2020 wasn’t all too bad. I’ve learned a lot from this year. This year was like a roller coaster for me, a lot of ups and downs. A lot definitely happened, most of them are new things I’ve never experienced before. I mean, I think the reason why 2020 was not so bad for me is because I like who I am now. I think I’m a lot more stronger, a lot more confident, and a lot less tense than who I was in 2019 or earlier in 2020 itself. So here’s a list of recap of what happened and how it has changed me. 

JAN 

1. Stressing about a side project that I had with Pat, Ammy and Dao, called Thunder Bolt (I think) 

2. Went to Perth and Melbourne, Woo hooo. Perth was a lot of fun; we stayed at an AirBnB and cooked every night. The lamb chop was wicked. There was a bush-fire when we went to Melbourne but it was still fun. 

-> at this point I was so sick of Arts and Museum lol. (because I over did it in Tokyo last year 5555)

3. Exchange decision: debating between Dartmouth, USA and Groningen, Netherlands. Made countless list of pros and cons. In the end, I decided that I need the sun and can’t stand only 7 hours sunlight everyday for a month in Groningen, so choose Dartmouth instead. Anyway Him pissed me off so much about deciding where to go, peeps keep pressuring me to choose because my grade is high. In the end it doesn’t even fucking matter bitch, you just need to ace your interview, which I did and got a full score baby! 

-> I just remembered that my Mac went cra cra and I had to change my screen. Thank god that I had Apple care otherwise, I’ll have to pay like 21000 Baht, but instead I got it fixed for free eiei. Anyway, I went to Australia without my Mac and I think that’s probably the longest that I’ve gone without my mac. 

FEB 

1. Lot of school work, according to my monthly calendar 55555. Had to prep for the exchange interview and everything as well. And had champ thingy as well. 

2. Had a weird, random, study date-ish session with Pat. I don’t think he think of it as a date, he just wanted to study and I’m a somewhat useful resource ( or at least I hope so) -> because of working with him in Jan and like whatever the fuck happen in Feb, I started to develop a crush on him (again! jesus woman). But this time it was different, cause I actually told people about it, and by people I mean Tam 5555555. Anyway it was because on Valentine day, Tam, Por, Ohm, and I (we were all single, so sad) went out to celebrate the fact that we got to go to Dartmouth. And I was not very alcohol tolerant back then (notice the back then part, cause girl I can handle my alcohol nowadays 555), so when they asked me whether I liked someone or not, I hesitated and they spent the entire night try to figure out who. Later on that night when I got back home, I told Tam wa who 55555. But like it was just a crush, I didn’t like like him. Cause I don’t really know him well enough for me to “like” him. 

3. GOT MY FIRST CAR!!!!, aka Stacy. But haven’t really got the change to drive her yet 555555555. The story behind how I got the car sound very privileged. I didn’t noticed it at first, but then went I told Ming what happened, she was like what a rich people way, and I’m like oh yeahh. So I stopped telling the story 55555. Anyway, I’m gonna tell it here again cause only future Jessie will read this post. 

MAR 

1. Midterm during the first week: so nothing much, just studying 

2. Drove my car for the first time after mid-term. Took it to uni for like 3 times and then number 3 happened 

3. COVID-19 hit baby -> online studying ->  I was enjoying life as fuck. My introvert self was striving. I was playing piano, doing arts, keeping a bullet journal. Watching shit load amount of studio Ghibli and other movies. 

APRIL 

1. Pretty much the same as march. To be honest, they kinda merged together cause you can’t really tell time when you’re at home all the time. It’s just like school holiday. 

2. Cheesy Avocado. Worked a lot on this joint-project for my 3 classes (software engineering, database system, ICE capstone). Spend a lot of time calling with Tam, Party and Nat. Shout out to Party for being a good PM; we would have never finished the work without you, and if I was the PM I would have drove myself crazy until the work is finish, you really help my mental health 5555. 

3. Songkran that doesn’t feel like Songkran at all. Had all my classes as usually, and didn’t get leave my house. ToT 

MAY 

1. Final the first 2 weeks. Got a chance to work on a killer report for my history of animation class. I wrote an almost 20 pages report on “Whisper of the Heart”, a lot of it are my own analysis from scratch, so I’m very proud of it eiei. 

2. Prep for Agoda -> I was very lazy to do this. I procrastinated it to the very last minute and didn’t even finished it properly lol. 

3. Went out for lunch with friends for the first time since the pandemic at a Korean restaurant in Siam One. (Had a record driving time to Siam at 12 minutes I think) 

--> I think May was like boring af. Nothing really happened that much. 

JUNE 

1. Started my internship at Agoda as a data engineer in the Messaging team. It’s a part of a bigger team called Agoda Data Pipeline, and I worked on a project called improve Kafka Offset Monitoring, where I implement this new feature called “time lag”. I wrote a blog post about it but never actually posted on Medium 55555. It requires too much work man. But I first started the internship we had to work from home, because of covid-19, which was depressing as fuck. It was not fun at all!!! To top that off, it was difficult and I was lazy and just no no. Then we got to start working at the office on the 21 of June and that was a lot more fun and everything. I really enjoyed working there. 

2. Grandma passed away on the 19th of June. Thank god that I was working from home then cause I was crying my eyeballs out and it did not look pretty. But it wasn’t as bad as when P’Rin passed away (where I cry for non-stop 3 days and had to missed a trip that I was supposed to go on), because we were expecting it to happened. It was out of the blue or anything. The doctor asked whether we want to ฝอกไต her or not and the family agreed that we don’t want to put her through anymore pain, so we decided that we’re not going to do it. And the doctor said that if we’re not going to do it, then all we can do now is wait for her to go. I was in her room (well almost the entire family was) when her heart stopped beating and I think grandma was happy that we were all there. 

-> nothing much else. Just hangout with people, ทำบุญให้อาม่า and just work. 

JULY 

1. Continue with the internship. At the Internship they had this thing called the the intern pitched competition and my team fucking won. (I probably already covered this in another blog post, so I’m not going to get into the details here). Anyway, we won 6000 Baht and spent it a Japanese restaurant in Gaysorn Plaza. 

2. Finished up the internship project towards the end of the month. 

3. Went drinking multiple time at Groove 5555. 

AUG 

1. Went to Koh Kood, it was so goooddd (pun intended 5555). A couple of days  after the internship ended on the 5th of Aug. The trip itself was fabulous, pretty beach and fin food. But the weather itself wasn’t particularly good, but that’s okay. 

2. Started talking to a guy for the first time (Woo Hoo!). It was all fun and game until somebody loses their mind (and that somebody just happened to be me, SAD) But actually I haven’t lose my mind in August yet. August was a lot of fun, I really liked the version of myself was talking to him. I was open and honest and wasn’t afraid that he would judge me. We had like 3 cute calls, but that was it 55555555. I called him on his BD at midnight to wish him happy birthday; I was cute as fuck. Just think back about it is making me blush, and boy did I blushed a lot. I’ll probably write more on the experience later in another blog post. 

3. Started my senior year at uni. But this time it’s a little different because your home girl is a TA as well. I have the power to influences a the grade of a sophomore, felt powerful 555. We still had to do online studying, although I don’t really think it was necessary at that point, cause there wasn’t really new cases and people were out and about like normal just with their face masks on. The classes that I took this sem were good as well, I actually enjoy all of it, especially Stochastic and Optimisation, which makes me consider studying my master in Operation Research, but will still have to do more research on that 55555. 

4. Worked on the Global sustainable development SDG goal competition thingy, and we got into the final 10 rounds. But we didn’t win 5555555, but it was still great cause I made a new friend. (which is really rare for me 555) 

SEP 

1. Your home girl 20!!!! I’m now officially legal and can drink and buy alcohol in public casually, which I am enjoying 555555555. Let’s just say I drink now 555. Btw I cried the night I turned 20 because I didn’t want to. I don’t want to grow up and I don’t want to become an adult, but I guess we can’t avoid it and we’re just going to have to embrace it instead. Also I think I was crying as well because I expected something from prime, I don’t know what I was expecting and keep telling myself that I didn’t expect anything but that’s not true. I did. Anyway he sent me a voice message and was the first one to wish me happy birthday eiei. And you guess it, I blushed bitch. 

2. Shit also went to hell this month with the Prime stuff. Specifically on the 25th of September, where Millie told me that Prime told her that he likes her. And that he asked her to watch a movie and eat out (which he never did with me wtf bro). So when that happened we stopped talking, like literally stopped after that night. The last thing on our chat was me sending him the brown bear confetti at almost midnight on the 25th and that was it, we never texted each other again. Which was really sad ( I mean sad for me but and easy way out for him), because I never get to know what happened, why it happened, and I didn’t get to scream at his fucking face. I eventually did in a dream later in December, which leads to a fucking closure after a 3 long and depressing months. (I just want to say, Fuck you Prime) 

3.  Nothing else really happened that much but studying and love stuff. I was so fixated on the love stuff though 5555, but can you really blame me; it was my first time actually liking a guy not having a crush on him. (You know what just thinking about what happened my eyes are tearing up 555) 

--> Just 

OCT 

1. October was a month of tear. Jessie was experiencing her first heart break; earlier this year back in July, Jessie just told Millie that she has never experienced heart break before in her entire life, but now she does. What a growth man. I did not enjoy the experience one bit, it was depressing, and just bad for me in many aspect. I tried to summoned stone cold bitch Jessie and killed of soft Jessie, which ultimately lead to me feeling numb and just plain sad. I lost inspiration, I just don’t enjoy the little shit like I used to; let’s just say I was not in a particularly good place. The only way to maintain my mental health was to run. And thanks to the free personal training that I got from Mr.Prime when we were talking, I started running more. 

2. Midterm. Got full score for introduction to stochastic modelling bitches. I remember going to Sea life right after Stochastic exam and just try to get my shit together. I really thought that I had picked up the pieces together but I really hadn’t, it was only 2 and half weeks since it happened. I was rushing into healing too much and didn’t know that these things take time to heal. Screw you knw for telling me that it only took you a week to get over Tam, that was total bullshit, and I tried to used that as a fucking standard, which just killed me. 

3. Skinny Bitch Jessie emerged. I lose my appetite because of the heart break so I ate a lot less. Actually I think I consumed a normal amount of what an average human being should consumed, I just ate way too much before 55555. And like with all the running, my weight got down to like 50, 51, which is the skinniest I’ve ever been since I got to uni. Maybe even the skinniest I’ve ever been since year 11 as well.  

NOV 

1. Shopee GLP application. I didn’t get the job but it was a great experience. I learned what a case interview, and thinks it very oppa. The process of preparing for it was fun, but I wasn’t totally into it because I was still dead inside. And still have no passion, no inspiration, no motivation, no goal, and everything because of what happened in the last 2 months. The only reason why I wanted to job was because I wanted the money 5555555. 

2. Won DevDisrupt Hackathon 2020. Ter did most of the work though, but it was still a lot of fun, and something that I could add to my resume 5555. 

DEC

1. HAPPY JESSIE IS BACK BITCHES!!!! I LOVE December Jessie; she’s STRIVING. Thank god I got my shit sorted out before the end of the year. She is once again enjoying life, feeling inspired, and motivated. And she’s doing all this while she is dressed to the nine every single fucking day! 

[phoenixfeatherquillwriting]

Fantasy/romance/drama person here! You OK so I do want romance and stuff and my characters have been with me for years I originally had them for a whole other story and switched them so many times and I know them well, my problem I think is transition in plot, and making fantasy not just seem totally weird out there, my 'fantasy' place is a 'real' island, hy-brasil, and essentially someone got taken there Bd everything is like 1900s because of no interaction with anyone for ages

2/2) she was just a fictional version of myself lol but as I wrote more and more she grew into her own person and it’s really cool.Hi again anon! I understand what you’re worried about, but in this case, I don’t think you have to be! When it comes to fantasy, there really isn’t any such thing as being “too out there-“ that’s why it’s fantasy! The key is to be consistent with the “rules” of your world, if that makes sense. For example, in Harry Potter, it’s established from the beginning that the magical government is different from the Muggle one, although it doesn’t play a too terribly large role until the later books. But since it was at least mentioned early on, we weren’t completely blindsided by the concept of Aurors, wizard law, and the Ministry of Magic itself when it came time to fully introduce those things to the plot.In order to be consistent, it requires some behind-the-scenes type of work in that you have to establish all the rules of your magic, abilities of fantastic creatures, the construction of your monarchy (these are just some common examples of things I’ve seen in fantasy) for yourself, ideally before you start writing the scenes where that information becomes relevant. Not all of this will go into your story most likely, but it will help you remember all the info, as well as make the world feel more real. You can use whatever medium you like for this (Google Docs, PowerPoints, a dedicated notebook/sketchbook, etc.) but I would definitely suggest keeping it all in a dedicated place separate from the rest of your writing. I hope this was more along the lines of what you were looking for!As for your main character, she sounds really cool! I’d love to hear more about her if you’d be comfortable sharing! ^^

[yujachachacha]

How many, and what LL merchs do u have ?

It depends on what your definition of LL merch is. Are we including fan-made stuff here? I know that at least one of the keychains I own is a fan creation rather than an official LL good (since it features a chibi Shukashuu lol).

Compared to a lot of whales out who own a bajillion nesos and nendos and posters, I’ve barely spent money on LL merch. In fact, if you don’t include the Aqours 1st Live BD (which is hands-down the most I’ve ever spent on a single item, not to mention the BD player I had to purchase for this as well), most of my money goes towards seiyuu magazines. Even then, that’s not saying much since magazines aren’t that expensive (something like ~$7 for a weekly mag like Young Jump, while larger mags like B.L.T. Voice Girls are $15) and I only own a handful of the numerous magazines that Shukashuu has been featured in.

However, your ask did get me thinking about what kind of merch I do own, so I actually went ahead and compiled a comprehensive list below. So (to no one’s surprise), I’m gonna include a “keep reading” cut here.

Here are all of the posts I’ve made about my LL merch:

My first LL merch ever - a birthday gift from KuuRin (@kuuxkat​)

Surprise seiyuu magazine in the mail - from KuuRin

A seiyuu magazine delivery while in Korea - Christmas gift from KuuRin

My visit to Kanda Myojin

My trip to the Love Live! Sunshine!! x Sega Collaboration Café

The rest of my trip to Akihabara (SIFAC, Mandarake)

Merch I was sporting during AX 2017 - from KuuRin and shukamod (@saitou-shuka​)

Venice Beach Boardwalk pilgrimage for Aqours Club

Aqours 1L BD, my first neso, yet another Shukashuu magazine, and more - birthday gifts from shukamod

While the above covers almost everything, there are a few things that I never mentioned on my blog! So, here’s a full list of what I own (if there’s no picture link, that means I didn’t mention it in a merch post):

LL goods

Posters of the 2nd years and 3rd years - gifted by KuuRin

1st year “Mijuku DREAMER” Kanan & “Omoi yo Hitotsu ni Nare” KanaMari drink coasters (technically a free gift from the LLS x Sega collab café, but the café itself wasn’t free :P)

“Bokura wa Ima no Naka de” Rin SIFAC card (again, technically the card itself was free, but the game + printing machines sure weren’t, sooo…)

Signed Aqours 1L postcard (free gift from the San Diego delayed viewing)

Magnetic SIF You wristband - gifted by KuuRin

Fanmade Shukashuu keychain - gifted by KuuRin

Chibi Shiitake keychain - gifted by shukamod

SIF stickers feat. Aqours Haregi set (free gift for playing Peta-Fes at AX 2017; if you’re wondering what Peta-Fes is, here’s a video of Rikyako attempting to play it at the Sega Collab Café, which is pretty much what I looked like when I was playing it too except with a lot more cursing lol)

“MIRAI TICKET” Aqours 11x17 print by haiyun (cover illustration for ONIBE’s AWM 2017 callbook)

Keychain Nesoberi You - gifted by shukamod

Hyogonosuke Yukata You stickers - gifted by shukamod

“Aozora Jumping Heart” You keychain - gifted by shukamod

2x Signed Aqours 2L postcard (free from SD and LA DVs of 2nd Live)

BDs (this list will probably expand with future Aqours Live BDs …)

Aqours 1st Live Memorial Box

Doujins

Mushiyaki’s first ChikaYou doujin (“Going Full Speed Ahead!”) - there’s a translated version available on Dynasty Reader. I just had to buy it when I spotted it in Mandarake because I’ve been a Mushiyaki fan since their K-On! days, plus I’m a huge sucker for ChikaYou. :’)

B&W sample of KanaMari doujin by Karuha (”take me out.” from BokuLove16) - gifted by an ONIBE member who went to Japan

Magazines

Seiyuu Animedia, Nov. 2016 (feat. Aqours) - gifted by KuuRin

Seiyuu Bible 2017 (feat. Aqours subunits) - gifted by KuuRin

B.L.T. Voice Girls Vol. 30 (feat. Shukashuu) - I never ended up making a post about this because I received this in late June, during the hectic AX 2017 weekend, after meeting up with an ONIBE member who had taken a trip to Japan. IIRC the magazine came out in, like…April? :’) But holy crap y’all, Mimorin, Nanjolno, Shikaco, and Pile are in it too! Also, it included a collectible Mimorin card, oh my god.

Weekly Young Jump 24, 2017 (feat. Aqours gravure) - also received during AX weekend thanks to an ONIBE member.

Weekly Young Jump 38, 2017 (feat. 7 pages of solo Shukashuu gravure + a clear file) - gifted by shukamod

Other (AKA “dunno if this counts as merch”)

Shrine Maiden Nozomi ema - not sure if this counts because I don’t physically own this now, since I left it at Kanda Shrine. Apparently, someone on the LL subreddit who visited the place a couple of months later found it still hanging there, haha.

shukamod’s custom t-shirt of gangsta Shukashuu - not sure if this counts either since only a few of these exist. shukamod specifically made this shirt to wear at the 1L delayed viewing, and we also wore these shirts when we finally met up for AX 2017. :3c …on second thought, this doesn’t count as merch because it wasn’t made for sale.

Team ONIBE shirt nvm, this isn’t merch either (for the same reasons as the Shuka shirt)

The t-shirt that Shukashuu purchased in LA for an Aqours Club challenge - not sure if this counts because it’s just a shirt you can buy at Venice Beach…like, I definitely wouldn’t have bought it if it weren’t for the fact that Shukashuu bought it (lol), but strictly it’s not LL merch…

The shot glass that Anchan purchased for the above challenge

The figurine (AKA “Little Rikyako”) that Rikyako purchased for the above challenge

Huh. I didn’t think that I owned a lot of merch, but now that I’m seeing this list, I do actually own a fair amount. I really have to give credit to Kuu and shukamod for buying the majority of what I own as gifts. From the above, here’s the stuff that I myself have actually spent money on with the intent of purchasing them (i.e. not received as a bonus to whatever I was buying):

Nozomi ema You know what, I’ll actually not count this as merch because I bought it more for the experience of visiting Kanda Myojin, rather than as a physical good to keep.

Mushiyaki’s ChikaYou doujin

haiyun’s 11x17 Aqours print

B.L.T. Voice Girls Vol. 30

Weekly Young Jump 24

Aqours Club LA items (Shukashuu t-shirt / Anchan shot glass / “Little Rikyako”)

Aqours 1st Live Memorial Box

Jeez, seeing this tiny list really shows how generous my friends are…not even a third of the LL items I own were purchased by me… (இ⌓இ )

As for how much LL merch I own, feel free to apply your own definition of what counts as merch and count from the above lists. If your definition is super-strict, it could be as little as 6 items, versus over 20 items if you’re applying a looser definition.

[harocat]

YOI LOOT POST!

Amiami Loot Post+Some Other Stuff from @aitaikuji and @sunyshore in the last couple of weeks!

Thank you to @regularcelery for taking these pics.  ♥ ♥

Yuri!!! on Ice Oyasumi Acrylic Strap set by Sol International. These are so, so adorable. I do wish that there wasn’t a plastic slip over the bed sheet (it’s hard to describe how it’s set up), and I also wish there was a way to display two characters in the same bed together (for obvious reasons), but they’re SO CUTE either ways. Like the true millennials they are (except Yurio who is too young to be one god), they all have their phones with them in bed lol. Anyway, I love all the little character details on some of these. JJ has J’s on his pillows, for example. 

Yuri!!! on Ice Nitotan SP Rubber Mascot by Takara Tomy ARTs. These feature the GPF finalists+Victor all in their short program outfits. Not sure if they’re going to make a free skate outfit set, but I hope so. Victor’s flags say “Yuuri, davai!!” (SO PRECIOUS) and the Yuuri in his training outfit says “I’ll do my best!” 

I love this set a lot, but I have to admit, that Victor made it absolutely irresistible. 

Yuri!!! on Ice CharaVini Strap by Sol International. I don’t really understand the character choices for this set lol. These are ‘vinyl’ straps, so they’re sort of soft and they fold under? It’s hard to describe. They’re very large and quite unique. The outfit choices for the main trio are so cool though!! Yuuri is in his free skate outfit from the previous season, Victor is in that one outfit we see him in on a couple of Yuuri’s posters and on some of the promo art, and Yurio is wearing another outfit we see in promo art that I assume is what he wore for the previous year’s junior events. I was so excited to get that 2015 season Yuuri especially. :D

Yuri!!! on Ice HamuHamu Clip EX by Bandai. Phichit’s dream has come true; he is a hamster. These are both clips and keychains. They’re really cute. The ‘secret’ in the box was the Victor with Makkachin on his head. They’re actually a lot larger than I expected too! Btw this box came with twelve, and there are only eight in the set, so I’ll have some of these to sell, including major characters. :D

Yuri!!! on Ice Rubber Strap Collection by Movic. The main trio in Russian and Japanese outfits. I love this set. The Victor and Yuuri in the yukata are my favorites because Victor is like--- shawl over shoulders, so swoony and ready to go out with the boy, and Yuuri’s got his hands on his hips and he’s looking confident and like yesss taking my fiance to the matsuri fuck yes. 

Eformed Yuri!!! on Ice Kime!tto Acrylic Ballchain by F.Heart. Wow this art is so precious! Plus the amiami exclusive was that little Yuuri with Makkachin so I got an extra keychain of best boy thank you amiami. 

Anyway I joked that these were YOI characters trapped in Hellmaster’s crystals because tbh it looked like that but they look less like that in person.

I super duper love this set though, and shoutout to the coach Victor, Phichit, and Guang Hong in addition to that bonus Yuuri because WOW CUTE.

Misc. stuff! 

The two keychains of Victor and Yuuri in the History Maker outfits are Petit Colle! acrylic keychains by Azu Maker. They’re LOVELY with bright colors, and they’re super big and tough and high quality. 

The Yuuri in the Stammi outfit and the Victor in the Eros outfit are Orange Rouge’s Nendoroid Plus Dress Up Acrylic Key Rings! This is a new product line they’ve started with YOI! You can swap their clothes, and as you can see I’ve done just that.  The art is super cute. 

The three Acrylic keychains in the middle of Victor, Yuuri, and Yurio are Bellhouse’s Pukasshu line. They’re cute and the art style is not like any I’ve seen for the series before this. 

The Twin Face Mini Cushion Keychains of Victor and Yuuri are by Hagoromo. They’re chibi versions of the school calendar art. The other side is chibi version of the blushing versions of that art. Really cute and squishy little pillows. 

Lastly, the onsen keychain is a Chara-Forme big acrylic keychain by Empty. All of the YOI chara-forme stuff has been great. The art for it has been so, so good, and this is no exception. 

Yuri!!! on Ice Omanjuu Niginigi Mascot 2. Also features both of the Yuuri mascots from series one and some Omanjuu kigurumi cases for Victor and Yuuri that I picked up.

I missed the first box of these, sadly. I was able to get the Yuuris from it, but I’m still wanting to get the Phichit and JJ. Anyway, THEY ARE SO CUTE WOW.  And Leo and Guang Hong!! Thank you to @sunyshore for hooking me up with them so I was able to get the animate exclusive Victor. Now I have two Victors and two Yuuris. Perfect. 

I did three rubber strap pulls from the May Minna no Kuji YOI event via @aitaikuji. I got Chris, JJ, and Victor. I’d actually already ordered Victor and Yuuri separately from @sunyshore, so I have an extra Victor!  I’ll be looking to trade him for some others in the set (Leo and Guang Hong, hopefully). 

I also have the Makkachin towel from it, which by the way, I ended up with two of, so I’ll be selling one of. And not Minna no Kuji related, but the Victor and Yuuri flower crown sets from Anime Japan! I do have the entire sets (acrylic keychains, buttons, and clearfiles), but the buttons were clipped up on a ribbon and the clearfiles tacked up on the wall and I didn’t feel like getting them down. They are SO gorgeous though. I really do want to get a nice scan of the Yuuri clearfile, because I’ve seen one of the Victor, but not of the Yuuri. Love these flower crown boys.  ♥ ♥ ♥

More Minna no Kuji stuff! The two items behind the plush are zipper pouches themed after Victor and Yuuri’s FS outfits. They’re really nicely made (and also soft and velvety). I love them lots.

And of course, the A and B prizes for the event, the plush! These are SO CUTE. The little blushes are too die for. Yuuri is wearing his free skate outfit, and Victor is of course, in his coach ensemble. Yuuri’s got a bouquet of red roses and his face is so, so sweet and round. The Makkachin in Victor’s arms is precious?? Ahhh they’re just great and super well made.  ♥.♥

Acrylic stands! The ones in the skating outfits are the Animega Exclusive ‘Finishing Pose’ Stands. As you can see they’re not actually the finishing poses from the programs, but they’re still really nice. These have been really, really difficult to get, so I’m super happy @sunyshore​ was able to nab them for me. Unfortunately due to circumstances beyond my control, my Yuuri broke the first day it arrived at my house. I’ve glued it back together, but you can still see the crack. I’m hoping to replace it, but it’s a pretty rare item, so we’ll see. I’m still going to display it as is in the meantime. 

They’re really beautiful though, and they’re BIG for acrylic stands. I’d love for Animega for make more of them (Stammi duetto outfits maybe?). 

The other stands are the HMV Collaboration ones. I have the chibi stands from this collab on order too, but I haven’t had them shipped from the proxy yet. These are really cute, and they’re pimping their own merch, which greatly amuses me (especially Victor, who is so proudly displaying the first YOI BD, the cover of which stars Yuuri and him). 

Oh god...

Well the bottom two things are the Victor and Yuuri Mafumofu Cushion Covers by Hagoromo. I actually thought these were pillows, not covers, because apparently I can’t read. But whatever, I can get pillows the right size for them for like 2.00 at Ikea so no big deal. Anyway they feature the school calendar art (and are double sided with the ‘alternate version’ of said calendar art), and they are SOFT AS HECK. They’re an extremely soft fleece-y material and are super huggable.

Above that is the Yuri!!! on Ice Munimuni Marshmallow Mascot Big versions of Victor and Yuuri. These were the first YOI things I splurged on. I paid for them way back near the end of November. Victor came in early to mid April, but Yuuri shipped separately and didn’t arrive until late May, so they were tragically parted for a very long time. THEY ARE FINALLY TOGETHER.  So yeah, that’s why even though I’ve had Victor for quite some time, I never included him in a loot post. I was waiting for Yuuri to come. But now he’s here, and it’s glorious. These things are even softer than I imagined, which is pretty damn soft. They feel like a silky suede material. I already preordered the second series Victor and Yuuri and the Phichit oops. 

Last but not least I literally can’t believe I own this oh my fucking god. The Yuuri Oyasumi Quilt Cover by M’s. 

It’s lovely and soft and SUPER DUPER high quality. You all know I’m not going to be creepy with it, but nonetheless I pulled it out of the bag and threw it on the couch and looked at it and just went “oh my god I can’t believe I own this I can’t believe this is in my house oh my god.” 

No regrets though. :p 

A couple of non-YOI things. For some reason these Love Live! Sunshine!! acrylic keychains by Broccoli never got added to MFC, which is driving me mad because I use that site to archive, but at the same time I’m too lazy to add them myself. ANYWAY, it’s all the girls with sea creatures. And I just love it? It’s so cute. And Ruby has a coelacanth?? I’m so charmed. Bless this set. 

Kotobukiya’s ARTFX Spike Spiegal figure! Wow this turned out super great. I hope they make the rest of the crew. 

@abarero got the Magical Mirai Hatsune Miku nendoroid to add to her ever growing Miku nendoroid collection. It’s adorable. 

I’ll have a new sales post up tomorrow with a lot of additions!

Anyway if you want bigger photos of any of this, let me know. Tumblr likes to shrink stuff as I’m sure you know. 

[perfectionistincrisis]

Day 70

Seventy.

Life is going on. With ups and downs. Good days and bad days. Well life is mostly grey for me. 

As every day passes, i just realize more and more how much i love him. I really dont want to bluff about it but I just couldnt stop from typing it out because the realization blows my mind away. And one big reason is because I would never do what i did, or can do for him, and no one will ever mean anything even remotely close to how much he meant to me and will always mean to me. 

This might all just sound like a cheesy note any person in love would say but Oh God! trust me, this is what comes to my head after quite a good number of not-so-nice crap i have in my big fat head. So yeah! thats how i just know. This is not ever going away. And if I ever got a chance to re-live, i wouldn’t have wanted to fall in love with anyone else, orrrrrrrrrrr id just wish I was alone. That’s pretty cool tooo!! lol 

Speaking of which. Yeah. I pretty much do enjoy my own company. I just dont like communicating much with people. for a lot of reasons actually. Well, to begin with. I believe im a really complicated person. LIke, everyone has their own story and theres something twisty about everyone and bla bla but then I really do thing Im just not that easy to understand, and to top all that, I dont even like opening up to people so thats more of a reason to not get me. I am kind of aware of the fact that i seem to have a lot of ego and seem to be filled with pride and arrogance. But thats not true, thats just how some people see me, and i cant blame them because i think that is something i mask myself with. However, many people do find me really sweet and all but whatever side anyone sees, its always clear, im not really interested in getting too close with anyone and that i appreciate my own space. Sometimes, i do wonder if i really do enjoy being on my own or i actually want some good friends. But then the thing is, i have really really good friends back from high school. the only thing is, theyre not in the same country, theyre far away. but then again, even when we were all on ksa, we still mostly communicated on social media and stuff so it shouldnt matter much i guess. what im trying to say is. despite all the misunderstanding people might have with me, or people actually finding me sweet or whatever. or me not liking them much or wanting them to be my friends or whatever. the thing is, its not that i dont have anyone at all. because i do have people who know me. they dont know every little detail about me though, and thats because i dont talk much to them either. but they know me as a person. like i dont need to kiss their ass to get their attention, i can be myself with them.. i can be mean, and rude, or not keep in touch or act like im full of ego, like im so full of my shit and theyd still accept me. because they know that thats just how i am. im not sugarcoated. 

But.. it still doesnt matter

What im saying is. I prefer sitting alone on my own. doing literally nothing. no phone. no laptop. no means of communication with the outside world OVER actually chatting with anyone. or even someone who knows me so well and is close to me. 

Ok man, i talk a lot! So yeah that’s the thing! but when we were together, i wouldve done anything to not miss a chance to talk to him lol - thats just an easy way to put it out there, that he was different. 

And also putting it out there how my life is right now. I prefer my own company. I dooooo badly wish i had a ‘partner’ though - an ‘eating partner’!!!!!! haha! I really wish i could go to restaurants with someone to try food randomly. But then. idk. i mean its not that easy to find someone who has the same love for food and aso someone whos willing to spend money to try food or someone whod be able to hang out with me. especially i dont even have any good friends in ksa right now Ugh

Another really important reason i dont like talking to people much is the commitment. I hate commitment!!!!!!! And when i say commitment i dont even mean something serious like being in some relationship. i mean.. even the smallest commitment. like when you even knock someone and the person expects you to reply fast. Like okay give me a break! We dint exchange vows or something, yth do i need to reply fast. or whyd you even expect me to reply fast like idk. do people just pause their lives and just talk to other people? bleh Im not even ready for that so yeah! 

buttttttttt then again - with him. it was SO different. but like i said. it was only him!!!!

Something cool was the fact that i had a dream of him the other day. we never met each other f2f after our last conversation, so him in my dream was the first time we met f2f which wasnt actual anyways!!! But!!! I was so full of attitude. Like I could totally see my facial expressions and go like. “Oh God Youuu” to myself! Im usually full of attitude in front of other guys, if i ever am, which is kinda rare. just saying! 

So i read his post about him going to bd and stuff, and i wont even lie about how i totally never like that. but then this time its different obviously. In many ways though. One way to look at it is how i just remembered about the time when he was in bd last year! ~~~ And the award for the roughest of all times goes to!!!! 

Now comes the part were I actually give the reason why I dont blog much! Well tbh i want to blog all the time. But then!!!! Who am i kidding???? Its obviously cause I want him to read my post and blabla so yeah I dont! I mean. I really want to, but i dont. The same way. Forget blogging man. I mean. In this generation, with all these advancements and i say, no barrier at all. If we could decide like two mature adults to stop talking for nothing but good intentions then i sure as hell can keep myself from blogging about every little thing, and keep my shit together, and only blog when my mind and my heart says that i got it in my hands and im not going to screw up! 

and so that would mean that anything i post about, is just a very little, incomplete detail of the entire story and i almost always will sugarcoat it a million times and put it up here! 

but like i said - every thing just ends with me realizing how in love i am with him and as long as that is how it ends, i like it. 

So “losing weight” is like the --aim of my life-- right now. Just that its so boring oh maa gawd - and so i end up watching suits. which is soooooo niiiceeeeee omgg. And i actually love the couple there. Mike & Rachel! - oh and also its kinda funny to me idk why but whenever i see any couple onscreen that i like, my inner me kinda teases me going like “sarah, you loser!!!!!” and then i look down from the screen for a second or two like an actual loser would doo and then yeah i just “laugh it away” - like silently! ~ No hard feelings!

umm.so yeah i was saying. The main thing is losing weight and i want to lose one kg a week WHICH I AM NOT BY THE WAY. so i kind of get sad from time to time and all, and then idk get ok with it, and then sad again and alll that. and then battling myself against food is there. Today though i kind of figured out that if i watch suits while on the treadmill ill kinda stay distracted, and it wont be boring anymore and ill be able to go somewhere i guess. 

so theres around 9 weeks left for uni to open and i wish vacation never ended but yeah lets just face reality. And about my brother, 6 weeks left.   So that means I wna lose around 9 kgs before uni reopens but its smart to kind of plan a bit more than you actually want so that if you dont totally achieve your goal youll still land somewhere good. if you know what i mean. 

Now there is a lot i want to say. SO muchh. But I cant be fooling myself. It would obviously be for him only. So Ill just hold everything back in!!!!!! 

But one thing I want the world to know

Everyone has their own problems and their own imperfection and perfections and whatever. But ever since I had my eyes on him, i knew he was different. infact that is exactly why i liked him in the first place. I dont wna go in depth with this but ill just say it in the simplest way I can. 

When I was with him, yes, I did pray for a fairytale story. But not an actual one. because those dont exist. I had my own modified version of a fairytale ending. And in their, everything was not perfect. Everyone was not perfect. there was pain, there were people who didnt know what they were worth. All I ever wanted is to be the person to be ale to mend hearts, to help someone find their way out from the sufferings, to be a part of someone happiness. And even though we are not together right now. I wish the same. I just wanted it to be through me before. Now it doesnt necessarily need to be, cause it definitely will be coming from Allah both ways inshaAllah. 

I pray he gets to see what I see in him. And what people see in him. And most importantly, what he sees in himself but fails to value at times. 

P.S. My family is excluded from consideration in this post. when i talk about people, i mean everyone else except my family.  --ALSOOOOO-- I just randomly sat down at 5am and decided to blog today and so i sat with my laptops and this is all what flowed outta me! 

A totally random post! 

BUT i do wna mention how the tumblr app on my phone s.u.c.k.s. Cant give notifications properly *&^&%&^$%&%*^(0

Bye c: 

[twinklejourney]

Bakumatsu Tenrouden CDs

After finally listening to Type A and Type B of the Bakumatsu Tenrouden CDs (and re-watching the musical for the 7268549th time), I can now say which were my favorite songs from this installment in the musicals.  Everything here is just my opinion and of course with a bit of bias on my part as a listener who’s got their own taste in music just like everyone else and whose knowledge in singing was basically whatever was taught in choir training.  I waited until I had the CDs so that I can listen to the recorded version of the songs just to see how much were changed from the live version (which was already autotuned in the DVD/BD anyways).  I have only a small amount of knowledge in Japanese so most of my judgement is based on how much I enjoyed the song by only listening to it.

On to my list:

Musical part:

1. Riyuu no Arika by Horikawa Kunihiro.  If the song is good enough to make me break character while in costume, it is good enough for me.  I was in my Jotaro Kujo costume when I found myself singing this song over and over again, complete with hand gestures while walking the convention with my friends.  Needless to say, it was particularly hard for me to get into character whenever somebody asks for pictures.  I really liked how the song showcased how powerful Ogotan’s voice can be.  I really think he did a good job in conveying the feeling of being a Shinsengumi sword not only to Hachisuka but also to the audience with his singing.  The Itsukushima version of the song where Ogotan did a duet with Arisawa Shotaro (I keep calling him Kunimi GDI) was also a delight to hear.  I really think Shotaro can have a good singing range with a bit of practice.  He hasn’t been in many musicals, after all and that voice of his got a lot of potential.

2.  Tsume to Kiba.  This song makes me want to run a mile or start a fight wherever I may be when it plays.  Just kidding, of course, but you get what I mean.  The energy in this song is incredible and it is a perfect one to come before a sortie.  It shows how proud they are to be Shinsengumi and how much they believe that being the Wolves of Mibu is a symbol of power because they are just that - powerful swords wielded by men who fought for what they believed in.

3. Erabareru Mono.  This brings a lot of feels for me and makes me love the Bakumatsu crew more and more.  The song and singing shows us how much there re conflicting feelings among the swords themselves and how they feel that they or their masters are sometimes just victims of circumstance (this sounds so harsh but idk what better way to put it).  Sometime I sing it as well when I had to do overtime because of circumstace. lol

a close runner up is Kappore because if I were ever stuck getting drunk with my Japanese friends, I’d probably sing something like that too.

Live part:

1. Key Man.  This song, I have a little bit of difficulty understanding, but when I first heard it in my DMM version of Shinken Ranbu Sai, I was instantly in love.  This is one of those songs that made it to my happy playlist because it does just that - make me happy.  Listening to this song honestly makes me feel as if the Bakumatsu gang is cheering for me. lol

2. OTOKOMICHI.  This does not need any mentioning, but anything with an otokomichi in it, I’d dig.  The fan dance for Otokomichi this time around was a bit weird for me (viva Sanjo and their shibari ropes), but its still manly.  Another song that makes me feel so powerful, I could lift heavy objects.

3.  Yume Hitotsu.  Of course!  How could I forget the extremely dramatic entrance of the Bakumatsu crew during the saien of Atsukashiyama Ibun and their first performance of this song?  I remember spamming my friends with messages on how Toumyu would continue with a brand new story after that. lmao I am just one overexcited fan most of the time.  Anyway, I love this song for the memories it brings as well as the energy.  I say energy a lot because I don’t now what else to say about how the song was sang haha.

that’s my top 3 favorite songs from both the musical part and live part from Bakumatsu Tenrouden.  feel free to scream at me and let’s talk toumyu together because all my friends are so done with me only talking about touken ranbu xD

[heonlywantsexanddrugs]

So I finally watched last week's episode of TVD. Some interesting things that were glossed over. But first, a mini rant lol. Caroline is not Elena, nor does Caroline have to fight for Stefan the way Elena did. What Caroline did was the right thing for her sanity and well being. She told Stefan when he was done being a douche bag druggie and wanted help she would be there. And she was right to that. Every man and relationship she has destructively fought for that man has walked away. Taking a piece of her with them. Caroline does not and should not have to be Stefan's salvation. That being said, I found it strange that she tried to get through to Damon. That is until I realized that Damon wanted to be saved. He wants his mind back and his will to be his own. So she tried to help him fight...for himself. Objectively Bonnie and Enzo were okay. Honestly they remind me of a watered down version of DE/BD. There's something off there. I can't put my hand on it, but something is wrong. Also did everyone just forget what the hell Kai said about loopholes!? Does that no longer apply now? Also that fight lacked any real passion. I actually yawned twice. Damon in this whole episode was meh. I don't sympathize with him as much as I think the writers want me too. So he's the brother with self control. He's the one that only kills out of necessity? Okay, but so what? Elena should not be the only thing that makes him redeemable! What the hell TVD!? So I like this Stefan. I honestly believe that he is actually the monster that he's portraying. I believe that's where he feels more like himself. This was how he was when he first became a vampire, before becoming a Ripper. He was free of the expectations that he feels are holding him back. I believe that this Stefan is the closest to the "real" Stefan. I like this Stefan because he's not wearing his burdens like a costume. Both Elena and Caroline have never really seen the real Stefan, nor do I think they could love him. This Stefan is not the mask he wore to be seen as the good brother, this Stefan is the stripped down honest Stefan, plus his blood addiction. Seline and Sybil were honestly just catalysts to make all this happen. Their significance is gone and soon so will they. I like that they showed Bonnie is a hero with or without her witch powers. But I wish that she had them back. I also believe that whatever is going on with Enzo is connected to her not having her power. One of the many reasons why Enzo and in extension Bonnie are fighting to get them back. Okay, I'm done. I would love feedback. Good bad or incoherent lol.