#but literally neither of these additions seem to have read my actual post which was very specifically NOT about the Marauders

[urbancowboyjoel]

Bite The Hand | Joel Miller x f!afab!reader

Bite The Hand: Chapter One

Prologue | Read on AO3 | Series Masterlist | Bite The Hand Playlist

When Tess doesn’t show up for sewage duty, you seek out Joel for answers.

Word Count: ~6.1k

A/N: And the journey begins... also, I genuinely have no clue what post-apocalyptic sewage maintenance entails/looks like, so please let me have my creative freedom and overlook the inaccuracies lol (updated 5/29/24)

Warnings/Tags: n/a (refer to masterlist for complete series warnings & tags)

Bite The Hand: Chapter One

The morning sun shined brightly in your eyes as you casually strolled toward the entrance of the sewage tunnel. Your eyes were still heavy with exhaustion and your legs seemed to drag with each step you took, fatigued and sore from the previous day's intensive labor. The streets of the Boston QZ were nearly empty, as they typically were at the crack of dawn; primarily occupied by soldiers heading for morning patrols and other military duties, with only a handful of civilian stragglers lingering around, sticking close to the walls and keeping their heads down. 

While most civilian duties didn't start this early, sewage maintenance was the one in particular that the overseeing soldiers preferred to complete early and move on with their day. Meanwhile, those actually carrying out the maintenance duties would spend the remainder of their morning scrubbing themselves clean, if they even cared to, before heading off to their evening work. That was only if there were any slots available. 

Sewage maintenance was the shittiest job quite literally. It also happened to be the job with the highest ration card payout, making it more appealing to those desperate enough to take any shifts FEDRA had to offer. Regardless of the payout, it was still not a highly sought after duty with many people putting their pride over survival. You on the other hand…your name was consistently at the top of the list each and every week. 

You didn’t necessarily need the ration cards given your unique position within the QZ, however, it proved to be quite advantageous in your underground dealings with fellow QZ residents and FEDRA soldiers. The extra cards provided a valuable buffer for negotiations when necessary, as well as served as a safety net when unexpected emergencies popped up. The additional earnings also allowed you to acquire a greater variety of higher-quality supplies for trading with outsiders from the surrounding cities, expanding your clientele to your advantage.

A group of soldiers, all no older than their mid-20’s, just like yourself, were laughing amongst themselves outside the metal gate that led to the tunnels. You were familiar with most of them, having done deals with them at some point or another. Some you knew better than others for various reasons. However, they typically disregarded you, anxious that the things you’ve done for them would come to light. 

Your eyes fixated on them as you approached the opposite side of the fence to wait for Tess; as per usual, your presence to them seemingly went unnoticed. Normally, Tess would be the one waiting for you, however from what she told you last week, she and Joel have been doing more and more deals, working tirelessly day and night. Supposedly they had a pretty huge deal go south recently and she was stuck doing damage control while Joel was busy tracking down those who had wronged them. With this in mind, her tardiness didn’t come to you as a surprise.

Neither Tess nor yourself delved too deeply into the specifics of your respective runs, only name dropping here and there, giving casual warnings on areas and people to stay away from. Despite the general lack of discussion in that regard, there seemed to be an unspoken understanding between the two of you, which is why your bond grew so strong over the past year or so. 

As you glanced at your watch, with ten minutes remaining until the job was set to begin, you sensed a presence come up behind you. Their heat radiated against your cold limbs, making the hair on your arms stand erect, catching on the fabric of your thin and weathered flannel shirt.

“I didn’t expect to see you around today,’ the man’s voice was coarse and laced with sarcasm. A faint smile started to form on your face, but you promptly pressed your lips together to prevent it from manifesting completely.

You rolled your eyes, ensuring the timing was just right for him to witness the reaction you intended for him to see as you turned to face him. The soldier looked down at you with a broad, toothy grin. His dark, curly hair appeared to absorb the sunlight that cast a sliver of light upon the two of you, while his deep brown eyes transformed into a soft bronze hue. It was hard to maintain your straight face as you marveled over him, but you forced yourself to as your fingertips bit into the palms of your hands.

“Roman, always a pleasure,” you responded in a syrupy-sweet tone, with traces of sarcasm lingering heavily in your words. His dimples deepened as his smile grew wider. “I’m sure you’ll thoroughly enjoy watching me shovel shit all morning.” 

Roman let out a brief chuckle, one side of his mouth tugging as his cheek took on a hint of pink. “Well, I’m sure you won’t have to worry about that. You know us; we barely venture past the door, let alone come far enough to watch you all,” he teased. “But, if it’ll make you feel better, I can turn around.” 

“Mmm,” you hummed, sticking your tongue in your cheek. “You're a brave man admitting that to someone like me. Now correct me if I’m wrong, isn’t it your job to observe us?”

He let out another melodious laugh. “I know you won’t tell,” he said, looking down at his fiddling thumbs, contemplating whether to extend a hand towards you or maintain the narrow distance.

“Brave and confident,” As the last bit of playful banter left your lips, laughter emanated from the group on the other side of the gate and your subtle smile dropped to a frown. 

Leaning to the side of Roman and peering around his body, you narrowed your eyes, shooting a glare at the eavesdropping soldiers. Some immediately ceased their snickering, while the others covered their mouths and turned away from you. 

Straightening, you redirected your glare towards Roman. “I suppose the means you told them then,” you spoke in a noticeably quieter tone, your expression authentically serious. He briefly turned away from you, looking at his buddies. Without uttering another word, they promptly vanished into the tunnels, the heavy metal door slamming with a loud thud.

At the same time Roman turned away, you glanced at your watch once more, realizing only a couple minutes remained and Tess had yet to arrive. A thought crossed your mind: perhaps she went inside already? However, you doubted the possibility. After all, who would willingly stay in there longer than necessary? Moreover, it seemed rather out of character for her to not wait for you. You let out an uneasy sigh. 

“Don’t think I had to say much; we were quite… loud, wouldn’t you agree?” He hushed his voice to match yours as he turned back, a breathy chuckle escaping at the end. “And the thin walls…” When you eventually lifted your gaze into his brown eyes, a slight smile formed on your lips. You tried to suppress it by biting your bottom lip but couldn’t entirely succeed. He responded with a gentle smile. “Can I drop by later? Maybe for dinner or… anything really. I just would like to see you outside of work duties and late night drop ins.” His question made your heart flutter, and for some reason, it embarrassed you. 

It wasn’t your usual practice to sleep with FEDRA soldiers, especially those that you knew from doing trades. However, Roman was different, it was a unique situation. And in this lonely world, there were moments when filling that void felt comforting. Eventually, you gave in to the feeling, and Roman just so happened to be there at the time.

At times, the connection with Roman felt genuine–the emotions, the intimacy, the love, the way he looked at you with a hint of something deeper in his eyes. You frequently had to stop yourself from having such thoughts, reminding yourself that both of you were merely two lonely individuals just trying to survive a chaotic reality. In this world, there was no room for love; it was simply an escape, just pure lust to distract from everything around you, even if it was just for half an hour or so. 

You took a moment to reflect on the question, running the tip of your tongue over the grooves of the roof of your mouth. Thoughts of your late-night visits to each other’s apartments flooded your mind quite frequently; more often than you’d care to admit. 

“I’m not sure, Rome,” you mumbled, glazing down at your boots and shaking your head; a few strands of hair slipped out from behind your ear. Your eyes fixated on the torn tips of your boots, with some metal brackets that held the laces missing.

Roman gently grabbed your forearm, pulling you closer to him; you didn’t object to the gesture. The sensation of his calloused palms caused a shock to run right through your core. “If it’s because of them, they–they don’t think anything of it,” Roman hastily replied, his eyes growing intense. He glanced over his shoulder, allowing a loose sigh to escape his lips. “They were just messing around, I promise. I didn’t say anything to them,” his eyes widened, the familiar glimmer appearing once again. “I wouldn’t want to jeopardize this.” A small scoff escaped you as he made the final statement, prompting a confused twitch of his eyebrow.

“This? What is this? ” You voiced the question, even though it was primarily intended for your own contemplation. A brief silence hung between the two of you. Roman allowed his hand to glide down the side of your arm, entwining his fingers with yours. 

“What–” he started to speak but was abruptly cut off. His head snapped in the direction of the voice, eyebrows knitted together in a deep furrow.

“Cruz, duty’s starting,” the voice reverberated from within the tunnel. Roman released an irritated sigh, releasing your hand with hesitance. Avoiding eye contact, he pivoted on his heel, placing his hand between your shoulder blades. 

Without exchanging any further words or glances, the two of you entered the sewage tunnel. The humidity and stench hit you with an intense force, prompting your nostrils to flare in response. You had to muster all your strength not to show any physical reaction. 

Seated behind the table, one of the soldiers passed you a set of work gloves, safety glasses, and a shovel, with some hardened brown matter adhered to the wooden post like cement. The mere appearance of it stirred a sensation of nausea deep within you. As you walked over to the rest of the rest of the unfortunate ones desperate enough to do this, you yanked the piece of fabric tied around your neck up over your mouth and nose and began shoveling at the sluggish piles of God knows what. 

A large portion of your mind remained fixated on the situation with Roman, causing you to entirely overlook Tess and her absence.

The entire time you made a conscious effort to divert your thoughts from the unpleasantry of shoveling literal shit. Instead, you focused on recent deals you had negotiated, strategizing how to execute them, devising timelines, and considering the most effective order to complete the deals. You thought about Roman, switching between self-deprecation for your feelings and entertaining the idea of what it might be like to be with him. Your mind eventually wandered to the numerous nights you've shared, not wanting them to end. You envisioned his sweat trickling down his bare chest onto yours, the way his curls stuck to his forehead, and how his muscles subtly shifted beneath his skin with every movement and thrust.  Engrossed in these thoughts, you entered a state of complete autopilot.

The soldiers assigned to supervise the cleanup typically stayed just beyond the entrance. Despite being repeatedly instructed to stay within a ten-foot radius of the workers to ensure the cleanup met standards and everyone behaved appropriately, they consistently disregarded this instruction. You couldn't entirely fault them, either.

According to Roman, they simply stood there and engaged in conversation until all the workers would return. Occasionally, they placed bets about comical things, such as betting on which civilian would be most likely to return covered in shit or who might cause the most trouble when distributing ration cards. You could never tell if Roman found it genuinely amusing or if he considered it as absurd as you did. You preferred to believe the latter, but perhaps he was clever enough to appear indifferent about it in your presence.

As you turned the corner, now completely disappearing out of the soldiers’ sight, you encountered the sequence of shallow side alleys leading to the primary piping tunnels. Taking a moment to pause, you glanced over your shoulder. No one was behind you; the rest of the group ambled ahead. The tunnels, usually quiet because of people's thoroughly diminished pride, seemed even quieter than usual today.

Tossing some of the residual sludge towards the center of the tunnel, you approached the initial side alley on your right. It was the only one with a functioning light, albeit it was on its last legs. The light flickered consistently, just as it had done last week when Tess hastily pushed you into it.

"Shit," you muttered under your breath, the word escaping in a brief and abrupt manner.

You broke into a run, swiftly catching up to the small group of individuals that showed up today. Most cursed at you as you passed them, only stopping for a short moment to check their faces. The last person at the front of the group was an older man, probably in his late 60’s. He shot you a stern glare as your eyes met his.

"Anyone up ahead?" The words emerged breathy and muffled as you gestured with your covered chin toward the end of the tunnel. He narrowed his eyes at you briefly before giving a slight shake of his head, then returned to his work. Turning in the opposite direction, you began heading back. It was unusual for Tess to miss your coordinated duty day, especially without informing you beforehand.

Everything blurred as you hurried back to the entrance, your mind wholly preoccupied with recalling Tess's words in the alley just last week. Your heart thumped wildly against the walls of your chest, desperately hoping she followed through with her promise to reconsider the run.

“I’ve got a run coming up in a day or two, wanna join?” Tess asked in a hushed voice, a faint smirk gracing her gaunt  face. “Huge payout, you’ll get half.” 

"Half?" You confirmed, almost exasperated by her offer. Turning your head, you heard a pair of wet footsteps echo past the alley. Your stomach dropped, although you knew the soldiers wouldn’t dare to venture this far and no one else would care enough to stop and ask what the two of you were doing. "What's the catch, Tess?" Your tone turned sour as you frowned, suspecting there had to be something.

"Listen—" Her voice raised slightly, and you closed your eyes, exhaling a huff of air through your nostrils.

"I don't like the sound of that," you cut in, shifting all your weight onto the shovel and resting your chin on the top of one of your hands. She took a step closer, her serious expression evident under the flickering dim light.

"No, it's not... it's not bad." Her tone shifted. You stood facing her, fingering the hem of Roman's long-sleeve shirt—the one you mistakenly grabbed instead of your own as you hurried out of his apartment earlier that morning. "It's across the city in Richmond. I have a contact out there who can exchange some equipment for a stockpile of guns. I happen to have another contact here who urgently needs guns. They've promised a year's worth of ration cards in exchange, and–and that would be huge for me, even half would be enough to get Joel and me what we need."

"A year? You don't think they're bluffing?" you inquired, skeptical of the legitimacy of the offer.

"I know they're not. C’mon, I could use someone like you out there." As the lights flickered, the desperation in her eyes became more apparent than before. Tucking your bottom lip between your teeth, you contemplated the offer. A break from sewage maintenance would be nice–just for a month or two and focus purely on trades.

"That's incredibly risky, Tess," you finally voiced. A silence lingered between the two of you; Tess continued to stare at you, hoping you'd change your mind, while you stared at the ground, so close to giving in. "What does Joel say?"

"Joel?" His name seemed almost foreign coming out of her mouth. You didn't know much about the guy, other than the fact that most smugglers were afraid of him and the few pieces of unimportant information Tess occasionally let slip into conversation. "He... he doesn’t want to risk it."

"Perhaps you should reconsider it, then." The words felt painful as they left your throat. Yet, you'd prefer her to be a little upset than somewhere dead.

You were met with more silence from Tess. She was now looking at the ground, the stick of her shovel cradled in the nook of her elbow, with both hands on her hips. You knew how significant this deal was for her—the clients, the payout. Even receiving half would be sufficient to alleviate some of the burden she carried. However, it didn't alter the fact that traveling to that part of the city was a death sentence in itself.

"If you can wait a few more days, I'll go, okay?" Your voice sounded strained. Whether you went or not, she would do this. You knew Tess well enough to know that. "I need to finish up a deal with Nathan, then we can go."

A sickening sensation washed over you when she didn't respond. Tess didn't even look up from the ground; she stood completely still. "No... no, I think I'll reconsider," her words emerged slowly, prompting your eyebrows to rise. Without another word, she brushed past you, her shoulders slightly rounded, and returned to work.

The soldiers appeared to snap to attention at the sound of your wet footsteps under the damp concrete floor. Your breathing was labored and heavy due to a mixture of physical activity and emotional turmoil. They exchanged glances among themselves, none quite certain about what to do. You knew they wouldn't shoot or arrest you, but you weren't necessarily certain they would let you go scot-free.

"What are you—" One of the soldiers, who you’ve heard the others call Tank likely due to his large stature, stepped in front of you. You didn't pause to acknowledge him; that was the last thing on your mind. As you blew past him, your shoulder collided with his, nearly toppling him over by the force. "If you leave now, you won't get your pay." His voice seemed uncertain, devoid of any authority. “ What do we do?” He redirected his attention to his comrades.

Setting down your shovel and returning the provided supplies to the table, you exited the tunnel through the heavy metal door, the sudden bright light nearly blinding you. Raising your hand to your forehead, you shaded your eyes.

The gate emitted a loud squeal as you pushed it open, the metallic sound echoing against the tall surrounding buildings. The noise drew the attention of two soldiers standing near the alley that led back to the street. They didn't attempt to conceal their skeptical looks as you walked toward them. Your chest tightened as one of them took a step towards you; their exchanged words were unintelligible, but based on their expressions, you knew you were about to be confronted with numerous questions.

"Moore, fall back," Roman called out to the approaching soldier, the gate squeaking once again as he pushed against it. Glancing back at him, your eyes showed nothing in particular as your mind remained solely focused on finding Joel and hoping he knew where Tess was. "Hey, hey, slow down." The sound of gravel crunching under boots filled the air as he jogged to catch up with you. Roman grabbed at your shoulder, causing you to come to an abrupt stop. "Is everything okay?"

“I don’t… I don’t feel good, I just need to lay down.” Your words didn’t sound convincing by any means, but you didn’t necessarily need them to be. Roman was loyal enough to cover for you whether he knew the truth or not. “Please don’t say anything.”

His eyes widened as he stared down at you, a glimmer of panic evident. Confusion twisted your face as you glanced behind you, waiting for him to say something. Wiping his hands down the front of his FEDRA-distributed uniform shirt, he took a few steps closer, closing the distance between the two of you.

"You don't think—" he whispered, leaning toward you. Your eyes shot open as you realized the reason for his reaction. “Because we–we’ve been careful.”

“No, no, Roman, definitely not.” Instant relief flooded through him. “But I need you to cover for me okay? Don’t ask me why, just do it… please. ” As soon as he nodded in confirmation, you turned on your heel heading towards the street.

“I’ll stop by later when I get off,” Roman shouted after you, seemingly not caring if anyone else around heard. His voice faded the farther you got. 

Now, he was the last thing on your mind.

You swiftly passed through the now crowded street, walking fast enough to reach Tess' apartment within a reasonable timeframe, but not so fast as to raise suspicion from the soldiers patrolling the streets. Running would signify trouble to them, and the last thing you needed was to be stopped, taken in for questioning, and subjected to whatever else they might feel compelled to do. There, Roman couldn't cover for you.

People halted, shooting you dirty looks and cursing as you bumped into them. 

Approaching the front of the apartment building in Area 4, a group of teenagers hanging out by the entrance suddenly seemed to become interested in you. Quickly catching on, you slowed your pace and loosened your posture, while simultaneously pretending you hadn’t realized. They seemed to form a circle around you as you neared the steps, and one of the larger boys positioned himself in front of the door, blocking your path. The young punk grinned at you, revealing a mouthful of rotting teeth. Staring directly into his eyes, you countered with a smug, annoyed expression while ignoring the others.

"Say lady, I haven't seen you around here before," he said, glancing from side to side, making eye contact with his pals as they closed in. You observed those around you, noticing some were a bit smaller, others a bit bigger, but they were all teens, though some could easily pass as children due to their very apparent nutrition deficiencies. You had dealt with people worse than a handful of punks with nothing better to do than start shit for entertainment.

"Congratulations on your observation skills, FEDRA could really use you on patrols. Can you move now?" you responded amusingly, taking a couple of steps toward the door. A few of the boys snickered.

"Geez lady, I meant it as a compliment." The boy looked you up and down as you descended one step, leaving only one stair between the two of you. Rolling your eyes, waiting for the opportunity to move past him. "What's your business here?"

You let out a small laugh, a bewildered smile appearing on your face. "I only answer to FEDRA. Move ." Your voice remained unwavering and firm. Today was not the day to mess with you—no day was, truly, but especially not today, not when Tess was potentially in danger.

"I'm sure you do, lady," his voice rose an octave, revealing his true youth, and you flinched, feeling the muscles in your neck tighten. The words struck a chord within you, sending pure fire and rage through your veins. If you had no self-control, you would have thrown him down the stairs, sending him toppling over his even younger friends.

"Kevin! " The high-pitched screech of a lady echoed from above. Fear quickly filled the boy’s eyes as everyone turned their attention upward. A slender woman with gaunt cheeks peered out from the window. Her eyes resembled an endless abyss of darkness, and even from the fourth story, the emptiness within them was noticeable. Looking back at the teen, his complexion had gone ashen, he grimaced as he continued staring at the woman. He eventually shrugged as to say what? “Get your ass up here, right now, and do not make me come down there and drag you up those fucking stairs again.”

A few passersby halted in their tracks, drawn by the angered mother, before eventually moving on. Meanwhile, the boy’s so-called friends engaged in hushed conversations among themselves, punctuated by the occasional laughter.

"Mommy's calling, Kev," you quipped, and he quickly redirected his focus toward you. Clearly embarrassed, he flung the door open with such force that the front side smacked against the brick building. The others who still lingered let out boisterous bursts of laughter.

You halted the door with the palm of your hand as it started to swing back. Kevin's footsteps, fueled by a mix of anger and embarrassment, reverberated throughout the building. The echoes of his heavy steps were accompanied by a symphony of coughs, hushed whispers, and the distant cries of a baby from one of the levels above. This was your first time stepping foot in this section of apartments. Cracks ran up the walls and you followed the lines with your eyes as they spiderwebbed out across the ceiling; chunks of plaster had crumbled away, revealing the inner parts of the framework. A dense layer of dust and dirt had settled on the floor, with the damp corners transforming into a mud-like substance. You thought your building was a shithole, but this one certainly shifted your perspective. If the hallways were this bad, you could only imagine the condition of the actual apartments.

Tess and you never disclosed the exact details of your residences within the Boston QZ. There were small references scattered throughout your conversations: a shared connection residing in her building, a tidbit of valuable intel picked up from a soldier in yours, Tess frequently mentioned an entrance to a tunnel system in her basement, and you revealed a vulnerability in the wall behind your place—a FEDRA-secured spot discreet enough to go unnoticed yet fragile enough for someone with the right knowledge to exploit. Tess had told you just enough information for you to assume she lived in Area 4. 

Uncertain of Joel's whereabouts, you pondered the possibility that he ended up going with Tess. However, one thing was clear: erring on the side of caution seemed wiser. Plus, the prospect of a day spent in anticipation had a certain appeal, certainly better than your other options.

Upon returning to the building's entrance and starting to ascend the steps, a voice captured your attention. "What brings you to this part of the QZ?" The tone carried a blend of amusement and genuine curiosity.

"Hannah, what... where have you been?" Your heart sank as you turned and examined her face. In a different world, you might have embraced her, shedding tears of joy at her mere existence. But this was not that kind of world. “I thought you were dead.” Your voice became eerily quiet as your throat began to burn. 

“Got sent to the hole for a week…then a month.” She replied, the bruised swelling on her cheek evidence of her troublesome ordeal. “Turns out those FEDRA bastards aren’t all talk.” Her mouth curved into a frown, and her voice took on a small, almost melancholic tone. The implications of her words made your stomach twist into a tight knot.

“I’m sorry. You just got out?” you inquired, tracing your thumbnail along the pad of your index finger. She nodded before heading toward the stairs on the opposite side of the hallway. With a quick motion of her head, she gestured for you to follow her. You wondered: Perhaps she would know where Tess lives.

The two of you ascended the narrow staircase in silence. The nature of your usual conversations was not suitable for casual hallway talk, especially with the ever-attentive ears around.

“Seriously though, what are you doing here?” In a hushed tone, Hannah asked when you reached the third floor of the building, glancing nervously over her shoulder. Your hamstrings throbbed from the steps, and a wave of dizziness washed over you due to your lack of nutrition. You waited for the small child accompanied by an elderly lady to pass by, allowing them to create some distance before responding.

“I’m looking for Tess and Joel, you wouldn’t happen to know which unit is their’s?” Your voice quivered unmistakably as the words escaped your lips. The moment you uttered their names, Hannah halted, fixating on you with a vacant expression. She rubbed her lips together a few times before releasing a nervous sigh.

“Why?” The word came out like a tautly pulled string, resonating deep with tension.

“It’s not–it’s not like that I promise.” The desperation grew stronger when you realized Hannah, in fact, knew where she lived. “I can’t tell you much, you know how it is. I haven’t seen her in a week and I’m worried, okay? I just want to make sure she’s okay, or at least try and see if Joel knows.”

Hannah scoffed, a wince accompanying the smile that graced her face as her bruised cheek lifted. “Good luck with Joel. But- uh…” She let your voice trail off as if she were contemplating. “They’re on the fourth floor, room 402. It’s down the hall from the stairs, second room on the left. If I find out you–”

“Hannah, I promise.” You cut her off before she could finish. Her look softened as you both came up to her door. “I owe you one, seriously.”

She nodded a few times, lingering in the doorway of her apartment, avoiding eye contact with you. Uncertain of what else to say, you offered her a pitiful smile before turning away and heading back towards the stairs. “Hey,” Hannah yelled out to you as you walked away, causing you to turn back toward her. She glanced around cautiously before locking eyes with you. “If you go out again, be careful. Things are really… they’re getting bad.” Her voice barely reached your ears. With a single nod, you turned away, the sound of the door clicking and locking behind you.

The peephole seemed to stare back at you as you stood in front of the door. Almost ten minutes had passed since you found the apartment–room 402. The initial few minutes were occupied by your hand hesitating in mid-air, contemplating whether to knock. The past several minutes were spent pacing the vacant, dark hallway. You weren’t afraid of what was behind the door, despite the things you’ve heard about Joel, you harbored no fear for him. Your hesitation stemmed from what you might find out once that door opens.

You released a forced exhale through your nose, embarrassment and foolishness swelling within your chest. Using the meaty side of your fist, you pounded against the door three times. You took a step back, biting your lip in anticipation. Your ears strained as you tried to catch any indication of someone behind the door. After a few minutes passed with no response, you decided it wouldn't hurt to try one more time— one last attempt before you staked out on the ground and waited for someone to return, hopefully soon.

Again, you pounded on the door three times, this time a bit louder and with more force. Before taking a step back, you tried twisting the door knob, just to check–it was locked, as you expected it to be. A lot of people didn’t care, leaving their doors unlocked as nothing they had was ever truly their’s, but Tess had more at stake, and she was well aware of that.

Your attention sharpened at the sound of something falling inside the apartment. Leaning in, you pressed your ear against the door, furrowing your brows as you strained to concentrate on the muffled noises within. The muted murmur of a man's voice and the persistent scraping of wood against wood resonated in your ears. The vibrations from approaching footsteps reverberated through the ground, growing louder as the person neared the door causing you to straighten once again.

A gust of wind hit you as the door swung open, revealing a middle-aged man, his hair dark and wavy with whisps of gray and a patchy salt and pepper beard; you assumed this was Joel. “What?” His voice, laden with grogginess and hostility, carried a biting edge within that single word, nearly causing you to flinch. He wasn't looking at you; it seemed as though he was staring right through you. Your lips parted, but nothing came out. 

As he reached to close the door, his hand curling around its edge, you took a single step forward. “You know where Tess is?” Your words were calm yet firm, just as you intended. You could see the cords of muscles in his forearm strain as he halted the movement of the door.

"What do ya want with Tess?" His question almost sounded like a test, his eyes narrowing at you as he leaned against the doorframe. Glancing in your peripheral vision, you suddenly realized how isolated you actually were; the fear of the Joel Miller amongst the smugglers began to seep through your veins, making you feel awfully small.

Straightening your posture and tilting your chin up, you looked him in his eyes. You couldn’t tell if his eyes were dark as night, or if his pupils were simply dilated to hell. “Haven’t seen her since last week and she didn’t meet up with me this morning like she usually does, just wanted to make sure all was good.” You responded, aiming for a neutral tone to avoid sounding too overbearing. 

Joel ran his tongue over the front of his top teeth, looking you up and down with a gaze as hard as stone. Nothing was behind those eyes of his, which made your stomach twist and turn. You’ve dealt with a lot of different kinds of people over the last several long and grueling years, enough to learn that someone having nothing behind their eyes, is not a good sign. 

To your surprise, he allowed the door to swing open, its weight pulling it toward the back wall. Without uttering a word, he turned away. Taking it as an unspoken invitation, you entered, surveying the apartment before you. It was somewhat as you had imagined—dimly lit and dilapidated, but undeniably lived in.

The rotting wooden floor planks creaked under your steps as you crossed the threshold. He gestured toward the table, just past the door, indicating a chair. Walking deeper into the apartment, he headed to the kitchen, grabbing something off the counter. Pulling out the chair to face him, you observed the muscles in his back shifting under the dark green button-down. His elbow peeked out through a worn part of the shirt.

“So, do you know what she’s up to or not?” Urgency slipped into your words, evident enough for Joel to turn toward you, leaning against the edge of the counter. In one hand he held a glass bottle of liquor, in the other was an empty glass. For a moment, he stared at you, and you stared back, hardening your eyes.

“She’ll be back in a bit, she had some trade to do this morning.” He replied rather cooly as he stared into the bottom of the shallow glass. He blew into it to clear any dust that had settled. A sense of relief washed over you, however, a bit of confusion manifested. Some trade? You thought, wondering why she dipped in sewage and didn’t tell you beforehand. 

Tapping the tips of your fingers one by one softly on the table, you realized the piles of pills on the table, some in baggies, others scattered messily along the surface. Your eyebrows knitted together, the sun catching on the glass of empty bottles gleamed in your eye. Pills and alcohol. The sound of Joel belching caused your attention to flick back to him, his dilated pupils now making sense. 

“Mind if I wait here for her, we’ve got some urgent business to discuss.” You watched him carefully as he poured some of the liquor into the glass, throwing it back in one swallow.

He shook his head. “Be my guest.” His tone was sarcastic, sliding the glass onto the table as he passed you, making way for the bed that was just past the living room area.

Bite The Hand: Chapter Two

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[sideprince]

Wasn't gonna reblog this again to reply but then I thought, fuck it.

Feel free to look in the notes for my response to giosnape's reblog, who at least was courteous and nice (btw, it's super fun to have your post reblogged with a comment you're uneasy about but not your response to it, am loving that whole experience).

Also feel free to add your own meta or whatever to posts (even though this post wasn't meant to be meta, it's literally me saying "I would like to think this" and not me saying this is what I think would have happened), and by all means feel free to do so without commenting on the OP personally.

All of these are invitations, btw, I'm not telling anyone what to do. I will remind everyone, however, that we all know that this fandom is full of people with trauma and when you don't know someone you also don't know what their triggers are. So just as general advice, I'm going to throw out there the idea that you can share your thoughts on a post without saying judgmental things about the other people on that post, including the OP. You can comment on their ideas without singling them out as people and calling them out. That's actually a very easy thing to do and it also costs you nothing.

And tbh, if anyone feels this is rude of me, or I'm taking something too seriously, I'm fine with that. I have an absurd number of followers on what is a sideblog and I don't know why. If tumblr had a feature where only mutuals could see your posts, I'd be on it like butter on toast. I maintain, though, that I shouldn't have to put a giant "this is not meta it's just me having fun with thoughts, as is demonstrated by my word choice of 'I'd like to think' so please don't treat it as meta k thx" disclaimer on every post that's just me having fun with thoughts.

Sometimes I wish we had seen the rest of SWM. We know the Marauders were bullies who targeted Snape more often than anyone else. We're given the impression Snape wasn't popular and that the people nearby came to watch him be bullied and seemed amused. Was there a moment, though, maybe, when they stopped being amused?

That maybe it was funny to them to see an unpopular kid hanging there with his underwear exposed, but when James removed them, it stopped being funny? I keep thinking of the scene in GoF at the Quidditch World Cup where the muggle family are being treated the same way, how some of the wizards in the crowd were laughing and pointing up at them, but then Mrs. Roberts is flipped upside down and she struggles to lift her dress back up because underwear is exposed. That's the point when Ron says, "that's sick... that is really sick."

I like to think there was a moment when James took off Snape's pants that the crowd stopped being amused and started feeling uncomfortable. Maybe quiet settled on the onlookers as they realized wait, hang on, they don't want to see this, it's invasive, it's going too far. For years the Marauders had bullied Snape and no one cared, but they had bullied everyone else too. We know this from the stack of old disciplinary cards Harry has to sort for detention. How many people in that crowd were bullied by them, or had a friend who was? Would they, in that moment, have thought "this could be me"? Would they have simply just thought, "oh this isn't funny anymore this is just sad and upsetting"?

I like to think that when James finished and let Snape back down, it was because the crowd had gone tense and quiet and he felt people staring at him and the ego boost had been cut off and he felt the pressure of feeling disliked all of the sudden. Snape wouldn't have noticed, the humiliation would have stung too much and he would have been in survival mode just trying to get the hell out of there. But I like to think James felt that he had gone too far and word of the incident spread. That, after that day, he was less popular. That he had to endure people muttering about him for days. Maybe overhearing people in the halls saying things like, "sure he can play quidditch, and who doesn't like a bit of bullying here in this magical equivalent of a British grammar school in the 70s, but that was fucked up" and "I heard everyone got really quiet and even when they were telling him to stop he just kept laughing like a psychopath."

Most of the students would have gotten over it. James would still have been wealthy, sporty, and a good student. But he would never have gotten the respect back. Maybe the other students were more just polite to him after that, than friendly the way they had been before. Maybe they were more nervous around him. Because maybe, just maybe, before all this they would think, "if James Potter or his friends inflate your head, just laugh it off, be in on the joke, and they won't have a go at you again, just pretend you're fine with it and it's all good fun." But now they would smile and have somewhere else to be, because who knows when James Potter and his friends will get carried away and you're the one who's helpless, vulnerable, and publicly shamed?

I like to think that, for the rest of their lives, the onlookers in SWM carried with them the memory of how Snape looked in that moment and how horrible it made them feel. That maybe some of them taught their children not to bully because of it. That it left a mark in them and made them more empathetic. That some of them sent their own children off to Hogwarts making sure they knew to respect Professor Snape.

[arminreindl]

Triassic Double Feature

Just weeks ago I remissed the lack of new croc taxa, seems I spoke to soon because they are being pumped out like crazy right now. For simplicity, I will cover two of the recent sorta-crocs together as neither are super extensive and they match in overall time.

These two new genera are the aetosaur Kryphioparma and the phytosaur Jupijkam. Pictured below the fossils of both with reconstructions of close relatives (art by Brian Engh and Gabriel Ugueto).

I'll start with Kryphioparma, which I wager is the less interesting of the two. Kryphioparma was an aetosaur, which are effectively early pseudosuchians that evolved a body type very similar to what nodosaurs did later. Heavily armored, sometimes with prominent spikes and herbivorous.

Kryphioparma is only known from four isolated and incomplete osteoderms, and though these are actually diagnostic and highly distinct, it does mean there's not super much to say. Hell, the scientific name literally means "mysterious shield" in reference to how little we know.

Regardless, scientists did determine two things. 1) It's a typothoracine aetosaur, narrowing down its placement to one of the two main branches. This means its closer related to Typothorax (with its armored cloaca) than to Desmatosuchus (with its shoulder spikes). 2) The second thing we know is that it wasn't alone. No, the localities that yielded its bones (Placerias Quarry and Thunderstorm Ridge) actually preserve a highly diverse aetosaur fauna, including Calypsosuchus, Tecovasuchus and two species of Desmatosuchus. All images by Jeff Martz.

Now the arguably more exciting find is that of Jupijkam, a type of phytosaur, which are archosaurs superficially resembling today's crocodiles. Now when I grew up, phytosaurs used to be considered to be entirely unrelated to crocs, being a type of archosaur believed to have diverged prior to the bird-croc split. However, it would appear that recent studies suggest that they could actually be true croc-line archosaurs, potentially being the earliest diverging group of Pseudosuchian.

Jupijkam is from the Rhaetian-Norian Blomidon Formation of Novia Scotia, Canada. This not only makes it one of the youngest, but also one of the northern-most known phytosaurs to date. It's scientific name, Jupijkam, is actually derived from the name given by the local Mi’kmaq people to their version of the horned serpent.

How Jupijkam is related to other phytosaurs is a bit wonky. Now generally, its recovered as a mystriosuchine, which isn't exactly a surprise given that most phytosaurs fall into this category. It's placement however shifts ever so slightly depending on the precise methods and characters used. 2/4 times it was found to be most closely related to Rutiodon (the phytosaur shown at the very start), once alongside the Indian Volcanosuchus and once to its exclusion. One tree simply results in a big polytomy which isn't really helpful, and one time it was found as a much more derived form related to Mystriosuchus. Whatever the case, additional finds both of other phytosaurs and Jupijkam specifically might clarify this in the future. Currently however, it seems that this form is not related to all the other American species of its time, suggesting it held out till the late Triassic independently. Which is pretty neat. Below you can see a comparisson between Jupijkam and some other slender-snouted phytosaurs, courtesy of Brownstein 2023. A is Jupijkam, B is Rutiodon and C is Machaeroprosopus

Really that wraps things up already, two new genera, both Triassic, both (potentially) early Pseudosuchians. A little bit out of my usual focus but very interesting none the less. Definitely gotta make another post soon since they just dropped yet another new one (a metriorhynchid), but I gotta read that paper first. Speaking of which A new aetosaur (Archosauria: Pseudosuchia) from the upper Blue Mesa Member (Adamanian: Early–Mid Norian) of the Late Triassic Chinle Formation, northern Arizona, USA, and a review of the paratypothoracin Tecovasuchus across the southwestern USA (escholarship.org) A late-surviving phytosaur from the northern Atlantic rift reveals climate constraints on Triassic reptile biogeography | BMC Ecology and Evolution | Full Text (biomedcentral.com) plus the respective Wikipedia pages Kryphioparma - Wikipedia Jupijkam - Wikipedia

[tragicclownwrites]

Ciri & Riku: A Comparison

Hello, all!

If you've seen my Reigisa x SquidBob masterpost, you'll realize I am no stranger to comparing characters from totally different franchises. (Yes, I am mentioning that post yet again thank you very much!)

And as the title suggests, that is exactly what I intend to do right here, right now!

I mean, how could I not compare these two? They've each got four letters in their names, for one. Hello!? 😝

No, but in all seriousness, I simply had no choice but to make this post because I would probably go insane otherwise. You may find this insightful, or you may find that I'm living up to my URL. Either way, give it a read below the cut. 🤡⬇️

⚠️WARNING: There will be spoilers in this post

Physical Appearance

While they wouldn't be mistaken as twins or anything, you may have already noticed some physical similarities between Ciri and Riku just from the banner.

Swords drawn, stony expressions, battle stances ready. But most of all... a rather unique hair color. 👩‍🦳

Often a mark of the character having mystical origins, I immediately found it interesting that - despite being somewhat different shades - the ashen/silver hair was a trait that these two characters happened to share.

God they are so pretty

In addition to the hair, they both just happen to have distinctly green eyes. Like their eyes could literally be any other color, but nooo. They both have eye colors that fall within the green spectrum.

Interesting... 🤔

Personality and Defining Characteristics

While I've clowned a bit about their similar physical appearances, the similarities do run much deeper than that. Otherwise, I doubt I'd have much to say in this post - and I do have quite a bit to say.

So, let's start from the beginning, shall we?

Even as children, both Ciri and Riku are shown to have a desire to break free from circumstance and not be restrained. Growing up, their situations seem pretty great. However, neither of them see it that way.

For Ciri, she is actually a princess (which she isn't thrilled about), so she grew up in a royal palace before crossing paths with Geralt. However, traveling along the path like a witcher is what she sees as her ticket to freedom. That's precisely why the Witcher Ciri ending is seen as the "Good" or "Best" ending in the game - and I agree! It truly is. 😊

As for Riku, he grew up on what seems like an island paradise. Yet, he feels trapped and wants to see what else is out there. Namely, he wants to leave the islands and explore other worlds (coincidentally something he and Ciri have done during their respective adventures), which drives his whole narrative arc throughout the Kingdom Hearts series.

Something both Ciri and Riku are known for is their resilience and courage, which is often shown by them risking their lives for those they love and care about. Finding the strength to protect what matters, if you will.

"This is my story, not yours. You must let me finish telling it." (Ciri to Geralt, right before confronting the White Frost)

All in all, they can be fiercely independent and protective, having no issue taking matters into their own hands and doing things alone if it means everyone else will be safe from harm.

Both of them must ultimately face the foe that has haunted them throughout the game(s) - for Ciri, that comes in the form of the White Frost, while Riku must consistently face the Darkness.

Although, while this is primarily an outside threat in Ciri's case, the battle is equally external as it as internal for Riku.

(Riku facing the Demon Tide, moments before sacrificing himself for Sora)

While these two can undoubtedly buckle down and get serious when the time calls for it, Ciri and Riku do have playful and even sassy sides to their personalities - which are often shown by them bantering with and affectionately teasing Geralt and Sora, respectively. Examples here and here.

Side note: Having the option for Ciri to come to Corvo Bianco almost makes me not want to romance Yennifer (sorry Triss x Geralt fans, I'm a Yen x Geralt believer). I just adore their father/daughter banter 🤗

Gameplay

As you can see, Ciri and Riku are both incredibly important characters within their respective games despite not being the main character.

So, while you will spend most of your time playing as Geralt or Sora, there are brief intervals where you actually do get to play as Ciri and Riku.

In The Witcher 3: Wild Hunt, there are various opportunities to play as Ciri. These often come in the form of the "Ciri's Story" main quests which detail her adventures as Geralt searches for her.

Meanwhile, you primarily play as Sora throughout the Kingdom Hearts numbered titles and spin-offs (with a few exceptions like 358/2 Days). Ironically enough, it's Kingdom Hearts 3 that enables you to play as Riku during certain story sequences in a similar fashion as Ciri.

Sure, there are other games like Dream Drop Distance and Chain of Memories where you can play as Riku much more extensively. However, the KH3 inclusion is notable as a main game and - technically - also being the third game, like Witcher 3.

He's also temporarily playable at one point during the battle with Xemnas in Kingdom Hearts 2, which kind of reminds me of the character-switching during Witcher 3's "Battle of Kaer Morhen" quest.

And if that wasn't curious enough, even some of their combat moves are similar. For example:

Riku's "Dark Aura" move is very similar to Ciri's "Blink" attack as they both use a teleportation mechanic to attack multiple enemies at once very quickly.

Ciri's "Charge" ability is similar to Riku's "Dark Roll," which allows them to dash out of harm's way in a flash.

As you can see, they both use a combination of magic and swordfighting techniques (or Keyblade, in Riku's case), making it fairly easy to draw comparisons between their fighting styles.

Role in the Story

As I mentioned above, Ciri and Riku aren't the main characters of their games, but they are still very important - both to the actual protagonist and the plot itself.

Essentially, they both have similarities that are woven deep within the story.

Let's dive a little deeper.

Relationship to Protagonist

"If two people share one, their destinies become intertwined. They'll remain a part of each other's lives... no matter what." (Riku telling Sora about the paopu fruit legend in Kingdom Hearts)

Upon looking at the text, it's clear that Ciri and Riku's destinies are intertwined with those of Geralt and Sora.

While Riku and Sora haven't explicitly shared a paopu fruit, as Riku's quote suggests (unless you count the Gayblade), that doesn't seem to matter as their stories consistently collide as the series progresses.

There have been sooo many analysis posts and videos on the implications of Sora and Riku's relationship - all of which are great!

But as an example, in Melody of Memory, it is Riku's dreams that are destined to lead him to Sora in Quadratum, where he went missing after abusing the Power of Waking.

In Dream Drop Distance, Yen Sid makes it explicitly clear that Riku "stands the better chance" of saving Sora from the darkness. Not Mickey, not Kairi, not anyone else - it has to be Riku.

In Kingdom Hearts, Riku's Keyblade comes to Sora's aid - which seems to be fairly unique to them as far as sharing Keyblades goes (i.e., no other character has done it).

Geralt and Ciri are also brought together by destiny.

Before Ciri's birth, Emhyr (known as "Duny" at the time) was under a curse. Geralt managed to cure him of his curse and when Duny asked what he wanted in return, Geralt invoked The Law of Surprise, which essentially states that he must give him "that which you possess, but do not yet know." Turns out, Pavetta was pregnant with Ciri and, thus, Ciri became Geralt's "Child of Surprise," binding their fates together.

"... Geralt and Ciri, however, are bound by something else. Something stronger than fate itself.” (excerpt from the Witcher series' second book, Sword of Destiny)

What makes this connection that much stronger is that while fate may have brought these characters together, it is ultimately their choice to continue down its path. Their respective love for each other and the bond they share transcends destiny by a long shot. And that is just beautiful. 🩵

I noted before that both Ciri and Riku can be headstrong and willing to face any danger for their friends' (particularly Geralt and Sora) sakes. But of course, they can't do this without their respective protagonists giving them the encouragement they need to persevere in the face of their hardships.

In fact, for Ciri, Geralt's actions towards her actually play a huge role in determining her fate at the end of the game. If Geralt is a bad dad, she can literally die as a result.

Riku's primarily goal throughout the series is to protect Sora - even at the latter's insistence that he doesn't have to do everything on his own. To Riku, "everything is for Sora."

Obviously, the relationships between Riku & Sora and Ciri & Geralt are vastly different in nature.

Ciri and Geralt have a relationship that closely resembles that of a daughter and father, and they sometimes even refer to each other as such and accept that as their relationship.

On the other hand, Riku and Sora are best friends. Oftentimes, their relationship borders on not-so-platonic, with the two of them not even feeling comfortable with defining their bond as brotherly, per the character files.

Despite these differences, it's evident that Ciri and Riku both consider Geralt and Sora to be the person who is most precious to them.

With that said, I do want to segue from our deuteragonists to focus on our main heroes for a sec.

While it would be somewhat humorous to try and compare Geralt and Sora, they do have a common goal: finding Ciri and Riku.

Geralt's primarily quest for much of Witcher 3: Wild Hunt is finding Ciri and protecting her from the dark forces that are after her (will talk about more in the next sub-section).

In Chain of Memories and Kingdom Hearts 2, Sora is dead-set on finding and rescuing Riku.

Not to throw Kairi under the bus (I swear, I'm a Kairi supporter), but even when she gets captured, Sora doesn't really seem to waver on his goal to find Riku. Yes, he now wants to find both of his friends, but his priorities don't shift away from Riku, despite Kairi being in imminent danger.

And then, when the lost is finally found, there's the emotional reunion. 🥹

I'm just going to put the clips here because they speak for themselves.

I literally tear up every time I watch the scene between Ciri and Geralt here. The momentary despair turned into relief, the flashbacks, the music. Honestly, the buildup to this moment couldn't have been better, in my opinion. 👏

And the reunion between Sora and Riku (and Kairi) is probably the very scene that led me - and many others - to start seeing their relationship romantically. Even if Riku doesn't quite look like himself here, Sora can still see him for who he really is.

Therefore, these reunions are pivotal!

Speaking of which, something else I noticed was the presence of light or how Ciri/Riku are acting as Geralt/Sora's guiding light in the darkness.

I will just link the "Riku is the Light" masterpost by @blowingoffsteam2 for some additional reading, but this essentially details how, throughout the series, Riku has been just as much of a light for Sora as Sora has been for him.

How does this relate to Ciri and Geralt, you may ask?

Leading up to the scene I linked above, Geralt travels to the Isle of Mists to find Ciri, which is not a smooth journey by any means. It's foggy, dark, and generally impossible to navigate on one's own.

Except, Geralt is not alone.

Accompanying him to the Isle of Mists is a tiny ball of light. 🌟

As you may have noticed from the clip above, this ball of light turns out to be part of Ciri herself. Or, in Kingdom Hearts terms, this ball of light could be from her heart.

In Kingdom Hearts, it's heavily implied that Sora was given the Keyblade in the first place when he touched the light of Riku's heart before his fall to darkness.

We've seen very similar imagery of hearts rejoining with the body in Kingdom Hearts, waking the person and making them whole again.

Naturally, in the first game, it's the Disney Princesses getting their hearts back.

Ciri is technically a princess in her own right, but she is also being directly paralleled with Snow White - a Disney Princess and a "Princess of Heart" in KH. Like Snow White, she is trapped in a death slumber while being protected by 7 dwarves, only to be awakened by the power of true (fatherly) love.

(Cry with me 🥹😭)

With the Princess of Heart connection, I suppose this instance could be both a Riku and Kairi parallel. I'm open to that interpretation, but the fact that the light guided Geralt to Ciri (a.k.a. the person most precious to him) makes me primarily connect this with Riku's light guiding Sora, like in the KH3 example below.

(Not to mention the ample Disney Princess parallels between them as well)

Anyways, I hope Riku and Sora get an emotional reunion in Kingdom Hearts 4 that has me absolutely weeping. 🙏

Terra and Geralt

I've mentioned how the relationships between Ciri/Geralt and Riku/Sora differ in nature.

Geralt's connection with Ciri made it possible for her to learn the ways of a witcher and become one herself (sans mutations). Ciri sees Geralt as more of a father than her actual one.

But as it turns out, Riku has also had an older figure in his life that made it possible for him to learn the way of the Keyblade.

Enter Terra!

Terra, unfortunately, hasn't played nearly as big a role in Riku's journey as Geralt has for Ciri. Although, Terra being guided to Destiny Islands by Riku's light and bestowing him with the Keyblade plays a massive role in Riku's story from this point forward.

Now, I sincerely hope you didn't expect to go through this post without some clownery because I am here to deliver! 🤡

One of the reasons Terra didn't have a huge role in training Riku with the Keyblade was because he was overtaken by darkness, specifically Master Xehanort's darkness.

When Terra becomes possessed by Xehanort's heart, turning him into "Terranort," he undergoes a rather interesting transformation.

Yes, that's right. White hair and yellow eyes.

In Kingdom Hearts, these characteristics tend to be attributed to those who have been "Norted" or possessing fragments of Xehanort.

Coincidentally enough, it also seems to describe the appearance of a certain Geralt of Rivia, a witcher who has undergone advanced mutations that also gave him those traits.

*SCREAMING*

I warned you about the clownery here, but... are you kidding me with this!?

I mean, c'mon!

Target of Dark Forces

I've talked a bit about how Ciri and Riku are fighting against the White Frost and the Darkness, respectively, at the climax of their narratives.

However, there are other dark forces in hot pursuit, hoping to use them for their own purposes.

For the majority of Witcher 3: Wild Hunt, Ciri is on the run from the titular villains - a group of hostile Aen Elle elves known as the "Wild Hunt" or Dearg Ruadhri (Red Riders). This group is led by Eredin, King of the Wild Hunt.

I will discuss this more in-depth later, but Ciri's abilities come from a gene she possesses known as Elder Blood, which originated with the Aen Elle. Being part of this race, the Wild Hunt want to capture Ciri in order to reintroduce the gene back into their bloodline.

The Wild Hunt are frequently compared to phantoms and shadows, said to be omens of war. Also, they murder unicorns, so they're total dicks.

Sounds kind of like darkness, huh?

In the books, Ciri - albeit reluctantly - does concede and do what they want, before making her escape when it doesn't go according to plan.

During the events of Kingdom Hearts, Ansem, Seeker of Darkness, plays a similar role in trying to compel Riku to the darkness with the goal of using him for his own means. He even goes as far as to take control over Riku's body towards the end of the game.

Unlike Ciri, Riku gives into Ansem's plans more willingly and acts more as an antagonist in this game as a result - a decision he later spends the rest of the series trying to atone for.

But it isn't just Eredin/the Wild Hunt and Ansem trying to get a piece of the Ciri and Riku pie. 🍰

Along Ciri's journey, she encounters a trio of creepy witch sisters known as The Crones. Or the Ladies of the Wood, if you're a naïve villager.

The Crones are... how do I put this?

Grotesque. Morbid. Evil.

(And yes, they eat people. Children, specifically.)

When they come across a weakened Ciri during her journey, they recognize that she possesses Elder Blood. They debate whether to turn her over to Eredin or eat her themselves.

While Ciri manages to escape them before they can turn her into stew (and kills them later on), they are highly calculating and manipulative, preying on the whims and desires of anyone who crosses their path.

"Manipulative," "calculating," and "preying" are words that could also be used to describe another evil witch who intends to use our gifted child for ill will.

Of course I'm referring to Maleficent. The Mistress of Evil, herself.

Throughout the first game, Maleficent preys on Riku's insecurities and the darkness forming in his heart.

Interestingly enough, both Maleficent and The Crones attempt to establish a sense of familiarity with Riku and Ciri. Maleficent uses terms like "dear child" and even refers to Riku as being "like a son" to her. During their encounter with Geralt, the Crones outright claim they cared for Ciri as if she were their own daughter.

As you've likely guessed, all four of these wicked witches have ulterior motives when it comes to our ashen/silver-haired heroes.

Their use of the affectionate "son" and "daughter" terminology is less meant to convey genuine concern over their well-being, but more so used as a guise of their true manipulative and predatory nature.

Both Maleficent and the Crones see Riku and Ciri as pawns to gaining ultimate power and control, and their "protection" of them is purely conditional and twisted.

Just Another INSANE Coincidence (to me)

Now this next comparison is going to be brief but absolutely mind-blowing. I literally could not believe this when I first realized it, it was just that crazy.

So, remember how I mentioned that Ciri is a princess? Her biological mother, Pavetta, was the princess of the kingdom of Cintra and her bio father, Emhyr var Emreis, is the emperor of Nilfgaard - an extremely powerful empire in the Continent.

As you can imagine, Emhyr is pretty set on having his reign continue and tasks Geralt with bringing Ciri back to him to be his successor (of course, if you're like me, you decide "fuck that" and let Ciri be happy).

This isn't shown in the game itself but at some point, Emhyr takes in and marries ew an orphaned girl and passes her off as Ciri. The girl looks similar to Ciri and even takes her name and titles, but she is ultimately still False Ciri.

So, we have a girl bearing a striking resemblance to Ciri, who is believed by everyone to be the real deal despite actually being a "fake."

Hmm. Very interesting.

Ciri has a lookalike.

Almost like... a replica?

I just --🤯

(This quote combined with the wack camera angle never gets old 😂)

The Child of Destiny

If you've made it to this point in the post, congrats!

Before I start headcanoning/theorizing, I want to talk a little bit more about Ciri, her powers, and what makes her generally special.

As I mentioned before, Ciri possesses a magical gift - Elder Blood or Hen Ichaer. This power is also known as the "Lara gene" as it originates with the Aen Elle, specifically their princess - Lara Dorren.

Lara Dorren was a powerful elven sorceress and sage who fell in love with a human mage known as Cregennan of Lod. Tragically, their love was star-crossed, and they both died, leaving their daughter, Riannon, orphaned. Adopted by the Queen and King of Cintra, Riannon then introduced the Elder Blood to the humans, where it eventually reached Ciri.

Therefore, the Elder Blood is very unique, and not many people possess the gene.

As such, Ciri is part of a prophecy, which states that the "Child of the Elder Blood" will save the world from being destroyed by the White Frost.

After Kingdom Hearts Dark Road came out, along with all the theories surrounding it, the prophecy and "Child of the Elder Blood" got me thinking.

Kingdom Hearts X and Kingdom Hearts Union X introduces the Book of Prophecies, which enables Player (because you can have your own character) to harness powers from the future.

With this in mind, it's clear to me now that the Player is paralleling Ithlinne here, who was the prophetess who first spoke of Ciri's prophecy.

The reason I say that is because the Player later takes the form of the "Blue-Cloaked Figure" in Kingdom Hearts Dark Road.

In this game, the Player/Blue-Cloaked Figure arrives on Destiny Islands, where they encounter a little Xehanort. The figure is overjoyed upon finding - who they believe is - the "Child of Destiny."

With this proclamation, the Player fortells of a prophecy in which the "Child of Destiny" (or a child reigning from Destiny Islands) would save the world from being overcome by darkness using the power of light.

The Player also reveals Xehanort as a supposed descendent of Ephemer, which introduces the concept of a special bloodline.

The reason I use the word "supposed" is because, unlike Ithlinne, I think the Player/Blue-Cloaked Figure was completely wrong about Xehanort here.

Obviously, Xehanort does not grow up to save the world from darkness. Rather, he is the villain using the Darkness for his own gain. Therefore, I've seen people say he was the "failed" Child of Destiny or that he somehow lost his destiny when he was tempted by the Darkness.

As for me, I seriously have my doubts that he was ever the Child of Destiny to begin with, and I question if he's even a descendent of Ephemer at all. I'm sure I'm not the only one.

Like many people, I - unsurprisingly - believe that Riku (and Sora) is the true Child of Destiny. I don't think I need to repeat what others have said, but this idea certainly makes all the Xehanort and Riku parallels that much more telling.

And honestly? I can't really say I blame the Player for making this mistake.

Xehanort does become a Keyblade Master, he posesses great potential in his heart, and he just so happened to be a kid on Destiny Islands (at the time). He also has white hair, which may not have much to do with the prophecy itself, but could link him to Ephemer, who coincidentally also had silver/white hair.

@violethowler has a great video series breaking down this and other theories, particularly as it pertains to Riku and Sora - here's season one! @andrewwtca also explores this in their essay (on Tumblr and AO3). Also reco reading the Necklace Theory as well, just for funsies.

Like others have said as well, I also don't think it's far-fetched to believe that Riku is actually the one descended from Ephemer. I mean, you certainly don't have to squint as hard to see the physical resemblance. (Not to mention Avallac'h's sketches of Lara, whom Geralt immediately assumed was Ciri.)

TL;DR

The Player/Blue-Cloaked Figure made an oopsie when it came to who the prophecy was about

Xehanort is not the true Child of Destiny and is likely not a descendant of Ephemer either

Riku is most likely the real Child of Destiny and descendant of Ephemer

Sora is also a Child of Destiny due to his strong connection to others, particularly Riku.

And while the exact phrasing of "Child of Destiny" may not always appear in regard to Ciri, the implication is definitely there as well.

Conclusion

Whew, we made it! This post is already super long, so I'll cut to the chase.

Ciri and Riku may not be carbon copies of each other - nor was that my expectation going into the games and creating this post - but they do share very distinct similarities that make for some really thought-provoking parallels between them.

I definitely went ham on the photos/gifs haha it got to the point where Tumblr was all, "okay, you need to stop," and wouldn't let me add more.

Also, sorry to make yet another Riku post but *shakes fist* he's just so damn interesting! I love all of these characters so much!

That all being said, I hope you enjoyed reading my ramblings.

♥️ Tragic🤡

[listenheresweaty]

UPDATE: c!wilbur content + another poll!! Read carefully.

So the poll hasn’t finished yet, but it seems that the majority will be okay with c!wilbur works. I WILL, however, wait a while before posting so people can take a break and fully separate the c from the cc. In the future, if you do NOT want to see c!wilbur content but do not want to block me (I will be trying to write for other characters, after all), here are some options:

Block the tags “c!wilbur and c!wilbur soot X reader”

Unfollow me and follow the not-yet-created tag of “sweaty writes— not Wilbur”. I will be tagging any of my non-Wilbur works with that tag, so following it without following me will expose you only to the non-Wilbur works (if any arrive). You may still have to block c!wilbur X reader tags.

If neither of these work for you, unfollowing and blocking is a valid option. I won’t be upset, promise :)

As for the actual c!wilbur content— good news! Y’all get to choose the bur variation I will write for after my break. Each option has its own pros and cons, so READ THEM CAREFULLY!!

POLL IS BELOW ALL THE WRITING!!!!!!

(before reading; there is nothing wrong with morally gray characters— I love them actually— but some people might not want them associated with any bursonas after what the cc did)

anyway, the options:

Faebur

Pros: This bur is not affiliated with the content creator in any way. In addition, the nature of the fae will allow me to never mention his name (he will be referred to as “your fae friend” or by a nickname such as “Twigs”, and never “Wilbur”). His appearance will also have some supernatural aspects that distinguish him from the cc (gold eyes, pointy ears, yada yada).

Cons: I have only the barest idea of what to write. So. It will take a while. Like— a WHILE. Also, the fic will probably focus on descriptions, so some physical aspects similar to the cc’s will appear (lanky, tall, brown hair, yada yada).

Chefbur

Pros: Also not affiliated with the cc! This one is my own creation. It is basically a Ratatouille au. He will also be called Wilbur Craft (full name Wilson Craft) instead of Soot. I already have some notes down for the development of the fic, and parts one and two are already posted. Cons: He will be called “Wilbur” throughout the fic, and his appearance is obviously very similar to c!wilbur (that is, a cartoonized/stylized version of the cc. Not the same. Probably will make his eyes hazel or something. Or not mention them at all idk).

Revivebur

Pros: I wrote this one so long ago (over a year) that it is borderline ooc, which might me helpful for some. Also, I have it written and ready to go (ALTHOUGH I will still take a break before posting it). Cons: it’s c!wilbur (derived from the cc’s creation), and the fic deals with themes such as forgiveness / loving someone despite their misdeeds that made everyone hate them, which… is not a very good thing to be associating with Wilbur soot rn. Even though it’s the c! And completely separate from the cc. Also the writing is kind of bad,,,

Siren (1)

Pros: I have a good chunk of the story written out, and he will be referred to as “siren” and not “Wilbur” (but not for the entire story). Siren is also not affiliated with the cc (someone else’s creation).

cons: I have hit a complete roadblock with it and am struggling to figure out how tf I should progress the plot. Also, siren in his civilian form looks a lot like the cc (similar argument to chefbur). Also, it has similar themes to the revivebur story (even though they aren’t as pronounced). Siren is a literal criminal (supervillain) whose literal murder/arson/treason/etc charges are overlooked (even though he’s still a respectful person), and that might not sit right for some rn.

Siren (2):

Pros: idk really his name isn’t going to be mentioned for the first few parts (only referred to has “siren” and not Wilbur)

cons: I have some very specific ideas for this series, and I love them a lot (even though they deal with some dark topics), but do not know how to string them together yet. May take a very long time. Also neither Siren nor the reader are very good people (but they try their best. And the reader improves a little). May take longer than the faebur one.

Lmanbur

Pros: no morality discussed. Just two idiots in love. I have a sequence of events written out, so I won’t struggle to figure out what comes next. ..

cons: ..however I will struggle to find how to put it into cohesive paragraphs since the outline is pretty barebones. Lmanbur is another character originally created by the cc, and his appearance follows a similar path as chefbur and civilian siren (I may give Lmanbur some pointy ears though). Also. The fic has no nsfw at all, but it is definitely a lot spicier than whatever I’ve posted on this blog, and I’m. Not sure if it belongs on this blog. Please reach out to me if you are an ADULT and willing to be a sensitivity reader to discern whether it’s actually suggestive or just my Catholic upbringing.

With that being said….,,,,

[officiallralsei]

where can we read more on your secret boss oc? :0

I've never posted it online before, actually, but here it is!

(design commissioned from @tvlandofficial!)

*This old Darkner's speech is strangely limited. It claims to be a "storyteller," but seems to prefer prompting others to tell their own stories. It will continue its prompting indefinitely if it feels the story is not to its satisfaction. Occasionally, it will attempt to create its own additions to another's tale, but those additions are frequently nonsensical.

*The limited nature of its speech makes speaking its own name impossible. Despite that, it is very keen on making sure others know it.

more under the cut!

predictably, I'm a fan of metanarrative stuff, and I like dealing with characters who are more "robotic" than "humanoid" in their self-expression. so I made a darkner who is literally an unfinished manuscript on storytelling and who cannot speak words that do not exist in its manuscript! it also has some difficulty comprehending concepts that don't exist in its manuscript - that'll come up later.

more info on the manuscript! inscrypt's object in the light world is a manuscript gerson was working on at the time of his death. the work was going to be a book intended to teach children how to create their own stories. however, gerson died before the manuscript was even close to complete. it was moved to the church's attic by alvin and subsequently forgotten about entirely.

this has some implications for inscrypt's purpose. like both other canon secret bosses, it's essentially got a paradoxical nature. jevil is a joker card, which gets left out of most card games, and spamton is a spam email, which exists to sell things but is ignored because it's junk. likewise, inscrypt is a manuscript that can never be completed. even if there was anyone to read it, they wouldn't be able to get much from it.

unlike other secret bosses, inscrypt's also got something else unusual going for it - it was once very special to a lightner. joker cards and spam emails are junk, but this manuscript was a project gerson was quite passionate about. this actually positions inscrypt much closer to the secret boss- adjacent shopkeeper characters of deltarune. seam appears to have been a beloved plushie, and swatch was the conduit for mettaton's ideal body. this "specialness" for both characters appears to be a factor in how they have a bit of the Weird Info that secret bosses possess, but not enough info to make them feel compelled to act outside their given roles.*

(*for now, at least. there's a strong case to be made that seam will be the last secret boss of deltarune.)

and a final weird thing about inscrypt: it's the last passion project of a deceased lightner. in a lot of ways, its object could be seen as a monument to gerson's memory.

so all of this taken together - what is inscrypt actually like as a darkner?

my idea is that inscrypt doesn't actually know very much of whatever knowledge made jevil and spamton go off the rails. it's not capable of comprehending it fully. (arguably, neither are jevil or spamton, but at the very least, inscrypt comprehends less than they do.) like both swatch and seam, it doesn't see much point in going too far outside its appointed role. BUT. even if it can't comprehend certain things, it knows other darkners might be able to.

in trying to get others to tell their own stories, inscrypt is also attempting to get others to come to whatever cosmic revelation it can't reach. it believes that perhaps then, that other person might have the capacity to make it whole.

deep down, inscrypt desperately wants to be able to tell its own stories. but it cannot currently figure out how to do that. a book on storytelling only ever tells others how to create a story. even complete, it would have no stories of its own. but since the entire manuscript is about telling stories, that desire is etched into it, as paradoxical as its incomplete nature. it does not understand this as a paradox, however. it truly believes that it will be able to tell stories if someone makes it whole.

so far, it's been unsuccessful with the darkners of its world. but maybe someday, if it meets someone it recognizes as a protagonist, it might try to get that person to listen to it...

other miscellaneous notes:

- i'm kind of toying with inscrypt having a shopkeeper-adjacent job, given everything I've said about it being a seam and swatch parallel. maybe it likes to trade items it finds in exchange for having other people talk to it.

- uses the pen as its spellcasting staff. think wizard.

- its weapon drop when defeated is a scarf called the mantlescript. haven't thought of an armor drop yet though.

-its name has roots from both "inscription" and "crypt" (referencing how it's the last work of a deceased person.) also is a pun on "in script," referencing its adherence to its role.

- its design silhouette is meant to somewhat mimic gerson's, with the large book cover on the back being reminiscent of a turtle shell.

- a lot of inscrypt's initial idea came from me thinking about how darkner-like characters in other stories tend to lack some degree of interiority. obviously, this isn't true when that sort of character is a protagonist, but when a character is classed as This Isn't A Person in a story, such as a robot or a fantasy enemy, a lot of their restricted agency + the potential violence towards them is justified by saying they don't really think or feel as real people do. and even in situations when their agency isn't restricted, those sorts of stories often don't think about their personhood.

darkners, as both a subversion of the rpg enemy and as literal objects, deconstruct that idea. the deconstruction happens in a lot of ways, but the primary method is simply showing darkners as complex people who are hurt from the way their world works. i wanted to make a darkner who comes off a little less like a person and a little more like a robot, in order to further challenge the trope. it doesn't have much personality or many likes or dislikes outside of its assigned role. its only goals are in service of being better at fulfilling its purpose. if inscrypt has limited capacity for growth, change, and even emotion and intellectual understanding, is it still a person? if inscrypt only wants to change so it can do better in its assigned role, rather than changing to express its agency in other ways, is that a good thing? how do we define personhood? how do we define agency?

the argument in fiction that something "not being a person" inherently means that readers don't have to care about its wellbeing has never held weight to me. to me, it actually doesn't matter whether inscrypt is a person or not. (i think it is, but the boundaries of what we consider "a person" are always going to be ill-defined, especially if we're talking about fantasy beings.) i don't think something has to fit any outside definitions of a person in order for it to deserve dignity and agency. a lack of perceived interiority is not an excuse! so i wanted to have a character that illustrates that.

anyway i hope you like it :)

[skullamity]

Hey all, it's been a minute, and I wanna update this post because it is the post that I have a constant and steady stream of notes on in my inbox every single day since I posted it.

FIRST OFF: I posted this in February, and it is now April. How has almost two full months on finasteride been treating me? Inconclusive. I was told that it would be months and months before I will really know if it's working for me or not, and so this is not unexpected. I will say, however, that while I haven't noticed my hair getting less thin on top, I have noticed that it isn't getting more thin, so that's something!

Anyhow, some good additions in the notes and tags that I have screencapped so I can either pass them on or add to:

From @catpdf - If this works for you, that's good, and I hope it continues to work for you! I do want to point out that the instructions on both the Rogaine Package and Rogaine's website disagree with your application routine, though.

Instructions are to apply a cap full to your scalp twice a day, once in the morning and once before bed. The packaging says that to get the best results, you will want to make sure it stays on your scalp for minimum 2 hours each time, and further googling on my part tells me that 2 hours is the recommended minimum, and that minimum is based on how long it will take the foam to completely dry. The general rule for ANY minoxodil product applied directly to your scalp seems to be:

"Ideally it is left on for 8 hours but the 'minimum' time advised is 4-6 hours. After 4 hours, 75 % of the minoxidil is absorbed."

Which...is insane to me. I was doing 2 hours for each dose, and it was only possible for me to leave it on that long because I work from home. I would have to immediately pop a silk-lined hat on my head so I could wear my headset, and if I worked literally anywhere else, this would not be possible to follow. It was also a constant source of stress because I did not want to poison our cats, and stress can cause...hair loss...so it wasn't a great solution, which is why I tapped out at a month.

Anyhow, everyone's bodies and how they react to any given medication vary wildly, so I don't doubt that this is working got you But the average dude is going to need to follow the instructions, and I don't blame anyone for thinking that it's way too much work for something that might not get you the results you want.

Lastly, I actually am not sure what you meant by 'the way (finasteride) affects your sex drive' because that could mean that it either kills your sex drive or boosts it, and I experienced neither of those things while taking it.

To everyone else: If you are reading this and are experiencing either of those side effects, remember that it is normal to bring up unwanted side effects of any medication you are taking with the doctor who prescribed it to you to see if there are any alternatives with less unwanted side effects available to you!

Trust me when I say that your doctor absolutely wants you to bring these things up! I know so many people who just...stop taking a medication if they encounter any side effect they don't like without ever discussing it with their doctor, and are then resigned to not being able to do anything about their original problem??? Doctors usually have alternatives ready for you if something is causing very bad side effects, because you will not be the first person who has come to them with this exact specific side effect! If one medication won't work for you, there are usually a few more you can try out and hopefully one of them does not give you the bad side effect! But you have to bring it up for that to happen!

From @ryanthedemiboy - This is actually not something that my endocrinologist mentioned at all (which is actually a little strange because I have had problems with FLD in the past that my endo also manages for me, so this seems like it would be a relevant thing for me to consider when deciding to go on Finasteride or not...), so thank you for adding this! My endo did, however, mention that finasteride may cause my period to come back eventually despite me being on T, so if that is something you are super dysphoric about, it might be something you want to take into consideration before starting Finasteride, or maybe it might be the thing that makes you decide that you actually would like a hysto and you might want to get the ball rolling on setting that up since I know there's a long wait in a lot of places.

From @gingerest-ale - I did not know this! Definitely good to know for anyone who thinks they will have trouble doing this themselves! I am still getting the hang of it, and they aren't always perfectly done, but it IS time consuming and requires fine manual dexterity so if you don't have the headspace or coordination to do this yourself, this is definitely something to ask your pharmacist about!

From @necromancy-savant - Fair! I will note that I am absolutely still shaving my head even as I am on finasteride, and I only have enough energy to lug out the clippers once every 3 weeks or so, which is unfortunate because I look great with a shaved head, but the hair that I do still have also grows pretty fast and the longer it gets over those 3 weeks, the older I start looking. I have heard mixed things about clippers made specifically for maintaining a daily close shave for your head, but if I decide that finasteride also is not working for me down the road, I'd be interested to see if these are a solution that lets me just...run my scalp over every morning with one of these for 5 minutes after I brush my teeth to keep things looking fresh. If anyone has any experience with one of these suckers, I would love to hear from you:

Anyhow, I'll probably check back with this post in like 6 months, and by then I should probably be able to update on whether or not finasteride worked for me and if I am still taking it or not!

Hope the original post and these last two additions continue to help my trans men and masc pals out there to make informed decisions about how to deal with hairloss while on T!

PSA for trans men and trans mascs on T who are afraid of/concerned about or experiencing male pattern baldness: Talk to your endocrinologist who monitors your T about hair loss before you talk to anyone else, you have options!

When the hair in the top of my head started to thin, I talked to my regular GP. She told me it should be fine to use Rogaine topically. There were no other options, either because she was somehow not aware OR was under the impression that alternatives might interfere with HRT. If this was the case, she did not relay this info to me, and if she had, I would have made an early appointment with my endocrinologist, who specialises in HRT for trans people specifically, and asked her about my options.

But, since I only have appointments once a year with my endo now because my levels are generally super consistent, I decided to try Rogaine. I lasted about a month, because it basically meant I had to wear a lined hat at all times to make sure I wasn't getting any on my pillow/cats/child. You need to apply it two to three times a day and leave it on your scalp for a couple of hours for the best results, every day, forever, and if you stop using it, your hair goes back to whatever it was up to before that made you concerned in the first place. I quit after a month and resigned myself to eventually going bald.

I finally had a phone appointment with my endo last week (was supposed to be in person but she had an emergency and was working remotely for the day), and when I brought this up and that I had tried Rogaine but couldn't deal with all of the above + my scalp was not reacting well to the alcohol in the foam so I quit, she was like ????? what? why didn't your GP just prescribe you finasteride???

I am now on finasteride! It is a dirt cheap, tiny ass pill. I only need to take a quarter of a pill once a day (my endo also helpfully explained to me that pill cutters exist and are also dirt cheap, so perfectly cutting a pill into quarters takes about 5 seconds and I got it for a whopping $8). Just like Rogaine, I WILL need to take it every day, forever, but it's not going to get all over my pillow and make my cats sick or cause my kid to grow a beard or whatever. It isn't going to dry my scalp out, and it also the cost comparison is a joke. I take it every morning at the same time I take my adhd meds, so it's easy to remember.

I have seen so, so many trans men and mascs online lately worried about this, probably because I've seen so many conservatives and the kind of detrans people that conservatives like to parade around put a lot of emphasis about how T will make you UGLY and make all of your hair fall out. I do feel sorry for any detrans women who are dealing with wonky hairlines or male pattern baldness, but also it sure is convenient that none of them see fit to mention that if you are experiencing those things, you can literally just talk to your endocrinologist about what your options are and then take a quarter of a pill every day to fix it. Almost like making you aware of that might move you away from their end goal, which is getting you to detransition.

[kiarazuri]

Cover Appreciation Post: Planet Oster: Fertility Fusion (The Holiday Hedonism Series)

When broma pod smuggler Ch'ik Wazo finds herself - literally - down and out on an unfamiliar planet in the Rahnbo system. she's forced to admit she's in one hell of a tight spot. Just as she's preparing for a long, boring, and credit-less wait through the harvest season, an unlikely trio of long-eared aliens makes her an irresistible offer. Zul, Roz, and Jau promise they'll help her save her cargo if she'll agree to carry theirs. But with hidden dangers ready to turn a not-so-simple business arrangement into an all-out space war, it will only take one wrong move for this strange partnership to go supernova.

Planet Oster: Fertility Fusion is an explicit Easter-themed alien romance intended for 18+ audiences only. It involves very explicit group activity, colorful (and frequent) explosions of "egg dye," ovipositor action, knots, designations of the verse-of-omega variety, discussions of fertility, pregnancy, birth, brief mentions of stillbirth/infant loss (not directly affecting characters), allusions to sex work, allusions to drugs, vaping, pain kinks, praise kinks, kidnapping, gross vending area snacks, graphic violence, space gun violence, extensive property damage, unethical hacking, stealing, unaliving of baddies, awakening of furry tendencies you might have been previously unaware of, alien anatomy, mating bites. And finally, while neither sweet bunnyboys still carrying their V-cards for certain acts or MM interaction needs a "warning," consider this a notice this lovely stuff is in here too. (If you have any questions about potentially problematic content, please feel free to reach out to the authors directly on social media!)

(Planet Oster: Fertility Fusion, Amazon)

Listen.

LISTEN.

I love this cover.

From looking at it you know EVERYTHING you need to know about this book:

Erotic Sci-fi Romance? Check

Polyamorous Breeding? Check

Colorful Bunny Aliens? CHECK!

I knew the second I saw this cover that I’d enjoy this book. And I was right.

I think this cover’s composition is beautiful. Obviously camp, but done really well. The subtitle banner covering up where the bunny ears and the human bodies “connect” is a really smart move especially since a lot of Romance covers block out the faces (or at least the eyes) of the characters anyway so it doesn’t seem weird by cover standards.

Speaking of cover standards... I’m honestly surprised that the mouths don’t have fangs or bunny teeth (I’ve read this book multiple times and I truly cant tell you if their fangs are where bunny teeth are or where human canines are) and I’d like to visualize it so here ya’ll go. I think either of these options would have been the cherry on top of this whole cover.

But it wasn’t necessary and I think if you didn’t spend as much time looking at the cover as I have, you would never even think about their lack of bunny fangs.

As you probably figured out from the series title (Holiday Hedonism), this book is Easter themed. And I think the color choices are gorgeous. The yellow could have easily felt out of place amongst the darker blues, purples, and pinks but with the addition of the lighter blue to offset it it doesn’t come off as overpowering nor does it call attention to itself. The colors are very Eastery without being vomitously pastel (don’t get me wrong, I love pastels, but I think the contrast of light and dark works better for this cover). But, my biggest problem with this cover is actually that the colors of the bunny heads don’t match the color of the human bodies. (see below: ears on left, bodies on right)

But again, I don’t think people would/will notice that unless they’ve stared at this cover as much as I have. (btw I want everyone to know that there’s a kinda important plot point where the pink and blue bunnies’ sperm mix and I think the purple that results is probably the color of that planet… which is so funny to me 😂)

I have no way of knowing if that spaceship is accurate to the ship (any of them tbh) that’s in the book so I’m not gonna comment on it, just know that 80% of this book takes place on a spaceship so I like that it was included. I also think that without it the cover would’ve felt a bit... lopsided? with that empty space, so it was a good decision.

It wasn’t until I was working on this post that I checked out this book’s Goodreads page and let me tell you, if I had bought this paperback and the cover that’s on there had arrived... I’d be pissed 🥴

I hate this cover so so so much. And this coming from someone who currently loves illustrated covers. The Goodreads description even ends with this very important note:

Important note: We know the cover is cute AF, it got you to come check it out, right? So listen, we know this may LOOK like something you'd flip through while lounging at the pool but it is - and we cannot stress this enough - VERY much an adult novel, with moving parts and moisture and no-no (yes! yes!) words all over the place. This is your heads up.

I have to wonder which cover came first (I’m assuming it’s the illustrated but I can’t be sure). Either one, I’m glad I have the non-illustrated cover in my collection. Not just because I think the non-illustrated better represents the book, but also because the colors of the illustrated cover don’t really say blue, pink, and yellow to me. They’re more... teal, raspberry, and mustard. Which isn’t wrong perse but I just don’t like it 🤷🏽‍♀️ I also don’t like that the girl on the cover has blonde hair when Ch’ik very clearly has white hair.

This was a fun cover to appreciate haha, and if you like this kind of book I highly recommend it. I haven’t read any others in the series, but this cover is definitely my favorite of them. (If you decide to read them, I recommend getting samples first cuz I downloaded the first book’s sample and screamed when it was 2nd person 😂)

I’m trying not to overwhelm myself by doing too much too quickly so I’m gonna start posting one Cover Appreciation post a month. Next month’s will be the A Spider’s Mate trilogy by Tiffany Roberts 🤗

- Kiara 🌸

[ginkgomoon]

Helios- A Character Study

I have always been fascinated by Helios so I’m especially excited about this post! If there’s any other additional information you would like to add, ask, or discuss, feel free to send an ask or a post so I can adjust and clarify for you. But before that, I have other things I want to add that are important regarding my blog- I will be expanding and analysing other characters in MLQC, so not to worry Victor, Kiro and Lucien (and Shaw, Eli?, Savin?) stans! I has't not hath left thee! In addition, before every analysis/study that I do, I will post a hint (such a quote) that will foreshadow the upcoming character/topic I will be covering. I know it’s not necessary and literally nobody does it but this is great fun for me so I also want to try to make it fun for you guys to approach my blog and my work! This is a spoiler buffet. Please don’t read if you don’t want to be spoiled! This is probably the longest post ever on my blog so enjoy :)

“You either die a hero or live long enough to become a villain.” -The Dark Knight

Who is Helios?

??: Do you know what Helios means? The mocking in his face had returned. He suddenly came close and placed his hand on the window behind me. I was imprisoned in his arms and couldn’t move. His eyes drilled into my own. I felt that if I showed even the smallest hint of discomfort or fear, he would use that as an excuse to push me away. MC: Helios is the sun god from Greek mythology- ??: I don’t like that name.

Helios is the God of the Sun, sight and a guardian of oaths. He is seen to be riding a golden chariot to bring the sun across the skies each day from east (where the sun rises) to west (where the sun sets). 

Kiro has lots and lots and lots of sun, light, dark and shadow imagery attached to him. Kiro is noted to be everyone’s sun, especially for MC and vice versa as she’s noted to be the one to chase the darkness away with Kiro following through. When he has those stage moments as his idol identity, it’s expected for him to be the guiding light (especially for his fans, the Kirophiles)- “the sun” and “hope” as to what “Kiro” represents, without any impurities associated with that persona. Which is ironic for Helios, who dressed mostly in black without the blonde hair, to have that same name as the God of the Sun working in BLACK SWAN- the organisation with the name literally having “black” in it as well. 

“If Kiro is this exuberance and this life, Helios is the opposite of that. It’s what if we took someone who stopped finding reasons to be happy, who stopped finding a lot of things to be passionate about and was just trying to get on day by day- they react to the things that happen to them, rather than going out to look for adventure. Helios lacks a lot of emotion that Kiro has.” -Sean Chiplock, Kiro’s VA

Kiro and Helios

“If I had a dark side… I should hide it from others, right…? Can I really be imperfect?”

There had been a lot of discussion around Helios in relation to his transformation, whether he was acting and what Kiro’s connection with BLACK SWAN is. 

To clarify, yes- Kiro is Helios. Helios is Kiro. Just like how Kiro admitted to MC that he’s also the hacker KEY. Helios is just one of the personas that Kiro has (which I will expand on in a future post). This, however, does not hinder negatively on Kiro’s personality, but introduces us to another side of him, one that shows effective in-depth characterisation. Especially when we first view him as the cheerful idol with the power to passively attract others. Kiro first gave off the certain impression to Sean Chiplock that you “don’t take off the calm and quiet person, because you don’t want to see the other side of them”. 

Kiro and Helios, which one was the real him? Neither? Or both? -Clinic Date

Before MC has her first encounter with Helios, we have to look more into Kiro’s background and childhood. 

Kiro was experimented on as a kid. He didn’t know his name, his birthday or where he came from. Through the experiments of genetic modification, he obtained his evol. Only when MC and the original KEY came to him, did he really strive to fulfil his sense of purpose of “we shall stand in darkness as we defend the light”, and also to protect MC back. His mentor used to be the original Helios, one of the twelve-ranking positions in BLACK SWAN, but went missing when Kiro was 15. Been given the name Kiro, using his idol identity, accepted this as Helios and as of the leader of BLACK SWAN to rid Leto- the true evil of the Season 1 timeline.

It is evident that he does genuinely care about his fans, his career and music despite all of this. This aspect of him is very much true (we see that he exposes a person scamming his fans in Chapter 3 and that in his various dates he dedicates his work to comforting his fans in their everyday lives). However, with this much love and support from everyone with very few knowing his true intentions and darker past, it is easy to “trip up” upon these identities, in a way that he would feel so lonely (as I reiterate what I said above) that everyone would think he’s the perfect man (not saying he isn’t because we all know he is!) without any troubles or experiencing difficulties climbing up the ranks to be where he is now- especially with his evol being charm and control. He would wonder if it’s really him or his evol making people act this way towards him (why he has this much love and attention). 

In reality, every teacher who has met him adored him very much. But because of this, Kiro always remained in fear. From the beginning to the end, he had felt that the love and care from others was akin to smoke - surging at first, but from thereafter, dissipates gradually. -CN Stunning Young Idol Rumours and Secrets

He’s like a little sun with no dark spots at all. No wonder people say people say he has a super power. He seems to be loved by everybody… -Chapter 3-1

“A lot of people adore me, but only when I’m doing my thing on stage. They wouldn’t want to see me now...” -Visiting Hours Date 

It would be incredibly hard for him to keep this standard and uphold these burdens with his identity as Helios and KEY as well- where everyone would believe those personas of him to be the “vice”- the “evil”, in morality play. Because when the people who love you only know and love this side of you, what becomes of you when you lose it all?

Superstar Kiro was a little angel who received the admiration and respect of thousands and thousands of fans. What the hacker KEY sounded like was someone with malicious intentions.

-

Kiro didn’t know which one of his identities was more famous. Though of course, nobody would correlate these two polar-opposite identities together. -CN Heavens Home for Children Rumours and Secrets

He always looked so carefree in front of people, smiling and laughing. But when he was alone in the corner, he always looked so solemn and tired. Countless times, Savin had wanted to talk to Kiro about his work, life and feelings but with just a few words, Kiro would always put him to ease. -That Boy Makes Me Worry Rumours and Secrets

However, behind his brilliant smile, I could occasionally feel something different. It was like paper that couldn't be penetrated. After all, he was a superstar. Ordinary people like us wouldn't understand their world, they must have one or two faces of their own behind the screen. -Secret Base Rumours and Secrets

In the makeup room, sitting on the sofa, Kiro had lost some shine he had under the spotlight and looked a little bit exhausted.  -Confession Date

In a way, Kiro still staying so pure and happy when others are around is because he doesn’t want people to suffer like he did. He had an extremely rough time when he was young, but his beliefs, light and hope that MC gave him allowed him to fight for better days. 

I then thought about the superstar Kiro many years later, who was always shining and effortlessly charming. This made me really sentimental. How many things must he have been through to become strong enough to bring light to other people? -Echoes of Time: Parisian Salon

She looked so pretty when she smiled, and she also had a father who loved her dearly. She was definitely… someone who deserved to live the most. -CN Top Experimental Subject Rumours and Secrets

His dazzling smile conceals something underneath, just like how the dazzling sun shrouds darkness underneath. Hidden in the depths of his own secrets are things even darkness doesn’t know of. If darkness had a mind of its own, it might think it doesn’t fit with this pure and simple youth. Just as how everyone thinks of him as a simple, innocent Kiro, the sunlight casted on him, able to pierce through him completely, with rays of light refracting onto the floor.  Actually, since a very long time ago, he no longer was a youth… But now, for her sake, he’s willing to become a youth again. -CN Youthhood Rumours and Secrets

The thing I like most about you is that you never admit defeat and you always stay positive. Every time I see you it's like you’re this brilliant sun and I feel charged of energy. Maybe all the lonely times I’ve been through... was so that I could meet you. -Confession Date

When they were younger, they were together as test subjects for evol. MC promised him donuts. He gave her a stuffed teddy bear. Kiro tried to help MC escape but they got caught and separated. They had spent quite some time together, so Kiro would be able to recognise MC once they had met again. Kiro had to replace another child for a top experiment, and the workers thought he’d die anyway as he was too weak. But still, he had survived and became the first and only successful subject. MC showed him that there was kindness- light- that still existed in the darkest of places. And in the darkest parts of his heart, there was MC to light those areas up for him :)

“Look, this world is so beautiful, and you don’t need to be afraid anymore.” But till now, he has yet to find her. But he remembers her eyes. And one day, he will find her within a vast sea of people. 

Kiro remains speechless- quietly listening to the little girl speak. The little girl struggles to pull on his hand. Their fingers interlock together, the warmth from her palm gradually coursing into Kiro’s heart. “Don’t be afraid. I’ll protect you.” Kiro turns to look at her - to look at her perseverant brown eyes, looking at how the corners of her lips turn upwards. Kiro slowly learns how to curl the corners of his own lips from her. It’s the first smile to have appeared on his face.  “This time, I’ll be the one protecting you.” Kiro says excitedly. He stands outside the airport, staring directly at the sun. “I’ll find you, and protect you. I even have a mountain of souvenirs stored in my luggage- I’ll give them to you! And my purest heart - I’ll give it to you too!” -CN Youthhood Rumours and Secrets

Helio’s Transformation

“Because only you can awaken me from darkness, no matter when.”

When Kiro transforms to Helios, it mainly affects his physical appearance. His hair grows longer and changes to colour, and his black (and super cool) NIRVANA tattoo appears. When he is weak, the tattoo fades (seen in Clinic Date.)

Nirvana- a transcendent state in which there is neither suffering, desire, nor sense of self, and the subject is released from the effects of karma and the cycle of death and rebirth. It represents the final goal of Buddhism.

I looked at his silver hair. It looked very natural with no signs of hair dye. In the serene moonlight, it was very beautiful. It wasn’t dyed, and it didn’t look like it turned silver because of an illness or something. -Chapter 17 

Helios’s ring also plays part of his transformation. This is ultimately connected to BLACK CABIN and the 1908′s White House Explosion- when evol was born. From this high-dimensional space, Kiro is able to take on as Helios- who also known to be BS’s first generation of god. He can change upon his will, and influences from BLACK CABIN/QUEEN can cause him to lose control.

The golden hair mixed with the bright silver. He raised his finger, and the silver ring flashed. He muttered quietly, as if speaking to the ring and to himself. -Behind The Curtain Part 6: After Returning 

Moonlight shone through the window, illuminating his silver hair with a golden glow for an instant. He buried his face in his right elbow, and large beads of sweat formed on his brow, as if a kind of uncanny transformation was occurring. “NOT NOW!!!” He howled hoarsely, his eyes now golden in the darkness. Residual power inside the Quarantine zone appeared to be affecting him. Violent forces jolted in the tiny space, and coursed through his obsidian ring. -Night Watchman Rumours and Secrets

Chapter 14

He turned and looked at me, his face a pallid white. His smile was still gentle. Suddenly, I felt intensely uneasy. 

MC: “We’re going in, right?”

Kiro didn’t answer, his eyes intent on me gleamed with a flash of golden light above. When I looked carefully, I discovered his eyes turned into this exquisite gold like pure amber, or crystallised time. 

Kiro: “I command you…”

I have never heard him sound like this before. Stiff, stern and solemn.

“All within my range of control belongs to me. Now walk onto the rooftop, lock the door, and don’t let anyone in… including me... Don’t be afraid. You’ll be okay. I said before, I will definitely succeed this time. I will always protect you.” 

In saying this, he believes that his own sacrifices are necessary, no matter what the situation is. Kiro is willing to dim or even smother his own light and sun for MC to be safe and happy. 

A black figure suspended in the air behind Kiro, just like scythe-toting Death himself… I seemed to see a golden-winged bird fly by, like a ray of light crossing the sky, leaving a temporary light trail in my vision.

“Death”, “golden-winged bird”, and “light”.

This sentence was highlighted in the chapters’ outline from the chapter contents. This implies the symbolism of the phoenix bird- the mythical bird that rises from the ashes and is reborn again. Kiro was captured by BLACK SWAN as punishment and had undergone modification- and was resurrected as Helios.

Chapter 17

He was standing in front of me. Half of his face was hidden in the shadows, but I could see the sharpness of his eyes and eyebrows. He took the notebook away from my hands before I could finish my sentence.

As MC gets tied to the table, flashbacks from suppressed memories emerge. We see Kiro and MC together being test subjects. (Fun fact- Kiro and MC’s blood type is O!) 

White walls. A deserted lab. A cold med table. And a blond boy with agony in his face. Next to him lay a brown-haired girl who was unconscious. …Was that me? I looked at the blood pouring out from the IV. Tears came from my eyes. Kiro… Our lives were connected long before. But where are you now?

She finally realises that Kiro was that boy from the orphanage.

 AND I JUST REALISED SOMETHING. HAS HELIOS NEVER OUTRIGHTLY ADMIT THAT HE’S NOT KIRO? LIKE HE NEVER SAID “NO”?? 

MC: Are you really not Kiro?

??: How long are you going to keep calling me by that wrong name?

(Yes, it’s technically the wrong name because right now he’s called Helios but he’s also technically still Kiro!)

He didn’t sound particularly annoyed, but I felt saddened.

MC: I…

I looked at his face. Every line, feature- they resembled Kiro, but at the same time wasn’t.

MC: I’m sorry… I must be wrong…

I hung my head low. His face may resemble him, but his expressions were so unlike Kiro and I didn’t want to see that.

But my intuition told me that my hunch was not wrong. If that was correct, then one of my paths was already sealed.

-

Helios: What makes you think that I wouldn’t? You already know where I’m from. Why are you being so naïve? I shook my head. MC: Kiro wouldn’t do this to me… An unknown emotion flashed in his eyes. 

Poor Kiro, having to pretend to not know MC and act so cold towards her. It must have been incredibly hard and painful for the both of them. Please just LET THEM BE TOGETHER. 

Kiro isn’t risking MC see this darker side of him. He truly doubted if anybody would accept him as Helios, because he was just so used it before as an idol having to act so perfect on screen, showing everybody what they wanted to see.

-

“MC. Step a meter away from him, and close your eyes.

The golden flashes in his pupils were the last thing I saw before I closed my eyes.

“I command you to forget what just happened. And I command you to forget about me. Remember, I’m just Helios.”

My memories were being erased bit by bit. Kiro was fading from my sight. His smiles, his eyes, his warmth… all of them became vague like a fog and disappeared. I tried my best to hold onto them, but it was all in useless.

Kiro… Even the name I tried to hold on till last was wrenched away from me. He watched silently as MC closed her eyes and blacked out in his arms.

“I’m sorry…”

He apologised again quietly. His eyes that once held warmth and brightness were again now filled with shadows.

“I will find the truth that you’re looking for. I don’t want you to bear that heavy burden. I’ll come back to you some day, but not today. Don’t remember my dark sides. In your eyes, I will always remain Kiro to you. After I take care of everything, things can go back the way they were between us. This time, I’ll make sure that you don’t have to wait long.”

-

“He looked a lot like Kiro. But it wasn’t him.”

In my palm was a small candy glistening in the sunlight. On impulse I unwrapped the paper and put it in my mouth.

MC: Apple flavour…

It somehow crossed my mind that it was Kiro’s type of flavour.

He wants MC to still have faith in him, and to trust in his abilities to protect her, as the candy is a motif for their relationship and exchange towards each other. (This was the same back in the orphanage when they were together too.) However, as his identity as Kiro, not the Helios she encountered. (Dramatic ironyyyy)

“We shall stand in darkness as we defend the light.”

Thorns Date 

In the photo, Kiro looked completely different from what he usually looked like. On the glistening water, a youth held a birdcage, with a glint of melancholy in his drooping eyes. This was the last set of photos before quitting.

-

Kiro asked for my praise with shiny begging eyes, as if the prior sorrow and blue were all my illusions.

-

We stood very close to each other, yet at this moment, I felt there was a formed gap between us.

“MC, do you think the imprisoned bird can get out of the cage?”

-

There seemed to be a ray of golden light flashing through my mind but I couldn't catch it. (The thought that Helios came to see her?? Yes.)

I remember his distance, his apathy, yet puzzling familiarly. 

Helios saw the magazine falling from my bag, his face flashing with complicated emotions I couldn’t comprehend. And I felt the familiar feeling of being touched deep in my soul. 

“You like gazing at me a lot.” 

-

Standing at the edge of the dark abyss, he opened his arms and leaned backward without hesitation. He fell straightly like a folded winged bird in the moment. (Similes, metaphors and symbolism galore!)

-

I sat on the ground limply and closed my eyes to avoid the dazzling light. This scene felt so familiar as I had experienced such a farewell.. Why? 

My senses told me this man was Helios, yet the feelings from deep of my heart were so real. 

“Helios! Do you… know how the imprisoned bird can get out of the cage?” 

“Why do you think I will answer this question?” Behind such eyes, there seemed to be something else I couldn’t make out in the shadow.

I seemed to see him unfold a pair of black wings on his back and about to flutter away. No more cages could imprison him and nothing could make him stop. Helios walked from the bright light into the shadow. 

He recalled her last question and her sad and confused eyes. Suddenly he recalled an ancient story. There was a kind of bird. It was always trapped in the thorns of fate from the moment of its birth. If the most beautiful thing was doomed to be exchanged with the deepest pain. He would overcome all obstacles to come back to her. And be her sun again.

The story that Helios recalled could be The Nightingale by Hans Christian Andersen. 

In Ancient China, one of the forests lived a nightingale, who sang so beautifully everybody would stop and listen. The nightingale was renowned to be the best wonder out of all the things that the travellers abroad had ever seen. However, the Emperor of China didn’t know that such a bird existed, and demand to have it found.

The bird had come willingly to sing for the Emperor, singing so sweetly that tears came out of everybody’s eyes. The nightingale lived in the court thereafter, until one day the Emperor had received a mechanical copy of the bird, golden with precious gems and all. The nightingale had left, and all the courtiers had said that it was an ungrateful creature. It was therefore banished from the empire. 

The mechanical bird had stopped working, only being able to play once every year. Five years had passed, and the Emperor fell ill that nobody expected him to live. Death had arrived to the Emperor as he prayed for the bird to sing a note. The living nightingale had appeared again, and had come to sing out of trust and hope for the Emperor. Death went to look at the Emperor’s renowned garden as the Emperor was thankful for the bird’s singing. She sang again, and the sun rose through the window and as everybody thought the Emperor had passed. The Emperor wanted the nightingale to stay by his side but it refused. It cannot live in the palace, but promised to visit the Emperor to sing to him. 

A black figure suspended in the air behind Kiro, just like scythe-toting Death himself… I seemed to see a golden-winged bird fly by, like a ray of light crossing the sky, leaving a temporary light trail in my vision.

Similar to Chapter 14, in this date, Kiro is represented as the bird, trapped in the cage. He had to release what everyone wanted him to be- Kiro, the shining sun/bird trapped in the cage under their control- ironic how his evol is absolute control because his charm would have drawn people this way in as a result. And the only way to be free was to be resurrected, to escape, to disappear from public view- to become free as Helios.

Light Pursuit Date 

“Will you forget me?”

Kiro was becoming faint like a water mist. Panicking, I reached out to grab him but he slipped away from my fingers. An invisible wall had come between us and I couldn’t get close to him. This one step was like an unbridgeable gap between us, but it was like a line that we could never cross.

Will I forget Kiro? That sudden question in my head became clearer, and made me tremble in panic.

-

He had the name of a sun god, but even I couldn’t feel any bit of warmth.

MC: What is Helios here for?

Helios: We meet again, MC.

This was the first time that Helios called me by my name. He was brusque as ever, but there seemed to be a small amount of yearning in his voice. He did not act the way like the Helios that I used to know. His attitude and manners were surprisingly refined… like he was acting out a whole different persona.

-

The music changed into Por Una Cabeza- the tango song that I was very familiar with.

(I absolutely love the intertextuality that the game has. It’s a Spanish tango song that was also appeared in Scent of a Woman starring Al Pacino where the tango scene featured a blind man dancing with a woman who didn’t know how to dance and was scared of making mistakes. This correlates perfectly for MC and Helios. MC’s body is reacting to Helios as if he was Kiro...)

I didn’t drink, but I felt drunk somehow. Otherwise how else would this reachable warmth and illusion of intimacy familiar? 

We were so close to each other, but the distance between us was only one step away, but a step we could never cross.

-

Helios looked up when he heard my voice. His eyes seemed to have trouble focusing. His blue eyes wavered like a lake sprinkling with sunlight. Surprisingly, there was sorrow, and naivety in those usually unfeeling eyes.

He lowered his head and his chin rested on my shoulder. I have never seen Helios so vulnerable. His hands were wrapped around my waist, leaving no space between us. Helios didn’t answer and continued to keep me pressed to his body. There was a deep aura of loneliness and bitterness about him that was barely discernible from his cold exterior.

-

Because to me, you were familiar to someone I deeply care about. Because my soul resonates when I am close to you. Because…. of a ridiculous assumption. Did I reach the edge of truth? Or was I just deceiving myself? A thick fog was obscuring me from seeing the truth clearly. I didn’t continue talking or thinking. MaybeI was so vaguely aware that this was the closest I could get to him. Only one step away but a distance I could never close.

MC is also scared. She’s in turmoil. She wants to know the truth but she’s also sitting on the fence with it. Especially due to the memory wipe. It’s like, “maybe it’s better if I don’t,” and “I think you are that someone I care so much about but I can’t be sure about it because even if I ask you, you won’t tell me, and I don’t know what to do.” 

:(

Stardust Date

Kiro: That’s right. I’m going to a far, far place. And I will stay there for a very long, long time. Don’t cry when you start missing me. MC: I’m not going to cry!

Kiro: But I will. So promise me, alright? Don’t forget me, even if I leave. 

Two days afterwards, I heard him talk to someone on the phone. I’m pretty sure it was his voice, but it sounded like he was a completely different person. 

What was he trying to hide? Did it have anything to do with his “leaving”? Was it out of his own will or was he involved in something under duress?

-

The confident smile on his face as he glided his fingers across the keys fluently, showed his passion for this show. As songs were played after another, he became more focused. I could tell from his expression that he was fully immersed in this performance. As long as he was given a stage and music, he’d become the centre of attention no matter what position he was in. However, the more passion I saw, the more I was scared for his “leaving”. He is the sun- what will happen to his supporters when they lose him? And what about me? What will happen to me?

Light and Shadow Phone Call

MC: Is that melancholy in your voice? It’s unlike you to be down like this.

Kiro: Really? Does everyone think I’m that shallow?

MC: Of course not. But you are the brightest and warmest sun, so it’s easy to be touched by your optimistic side first.

Kiro: But right now, the sunlight is getting too strong that it’s scorching…

MC: Hmm? Is it? right now it’s sunset where you are?

Kiro: Yes. I’m sitting atop of Namibia’s Dune 45 and everything is red. Even the sun is sinking low.

MC: Soon, it will sink beyond the horizon.

Kiro: Yes… Miss Chips, Since you say I’m like the sun, and the sun eventually sets...

Kiro: If I have a dark side, I should hide it from others, right?

MC: Why should you hide it?

Kiro: Because, I don’t want to show you and I don’t want to disappoint others.

MC: But you’re just you, Kiro.

Kiro: I am who I am?

MC: Yes. Why can’t a sun have shadows? Even the real sun has sunspots! People who really care for you will love both the warm sunny side and the occasional dark, depressed side.

Kiro: But I always feel...

MC: Everyone has a side they want to hide in the shadows. No one is expected to be required as perfect. That applies to my little sun as well.

Kiro: Can I really be imperfect?

MC: Absolutely. To me, all sides of you are worth cherishing.

Kiro: Thank you, MC.

MC: What’s there to thank?

Kiro: Because… only you are willing to see the weak and plain side that I’m hiding and accept both my light and my shadow.

MC: That’s why I’m your own personal tree hole! I’ll keep your sorrows tucked away for you!

Kiro: Thank you Miss Tree Hole. I’m so lucky to have you. In fact, you are my sun who gives me light to embrace the world every morning. Thank you, for always being there by my side.

This call is so significant for Kiro, and his battle between light and dark. After his evol went out of control, he’s afraid of hurting his fans and MC. Similes and metaphors are used to compare his evol/different personas as the sun and how it will soon go down. He confronts the truth that he will also have to leave the public view soon, and uses this opportunity of the call to confirm what MC thinks if he had imperfections/shadow sides. And of course, to thank her before he leaves. 

Chapter 21 (Winter World)

He was so fast that his moves were a blur. He dodged every attack and landed his own with grace and strength. It was like watching a silver moonlight dancing in flowing moves. 

-

“You seem to be completely ignorant about how weak you are.”

I was trapped in a little cage he made with his body against the wall. The cruelty in his face crumbled the last of my shields. he didn’t stop there. He leaned in with his whole body hemming me into the confined space he created. 

Helios: Weaklings should learn to survive on their own. No one will teach you that. 

MC: I don’t want to be a weakling forever.

Helios: Then you better figure out how to become stronger.

He dropped his sarcastic tone. Instead, each syllable fell from his mouth with  upmost earnestness. 

Helios: Use all your strength. Every method you can think of. Abandon your past...even abandon yourself. If you can’t do that, then just go back tot the world you came from.

-

1562 clutched tightly on his friend’s blanket, refusing to let go. However, in the end, he was shoved onto the ground because his strength was too weak. He had collided so hard that he couldn’t get up for a long while.  -CN Top Experimental Subject Rumours and Secrets

If MC hadn’t come, then there would be no real sun in his life. He would only have artificial light. And he would be right- Helios would be just Helios. He wouldn’t bother much about fans or music, but using this identity to climb the system. He had to learn the hard way on how to survive. Nobody was there for him, thus it would be harder for him to feel empathy towards others in situations other than this. 

The sun had risen completely. The increasing bright light drowned everything that belonged in the darkness. Helios remembered that day a long time ago. In the darkness, the withered hand touched his head and said faintly, “become Kiro, be the so-called “sun”.

At that time, he had lowered his eyes, nodded blankly, and simply walked out into the night, emitting a false light that was not his own. But today… Helios looked off into the distance, and seeing the dazzling morning light, he remembered the girl… At that moment, he saw the real sun.  -Between Light and Darkness Rumours and Secrets 

From “Behind The Curtain”, MC fell into the space-time gap and was saved by Helios. Even though he couldn’t see her as they were in different dimensions, she could be influenced by him. This wasn’t the first time that he’s tugged on that bond tying them together to BLACK CABIN. Thank you Helios also for helping bring MC back to her original world.

Chapter 28

Kiro: You should know about everything that I’ve done.

MC: I know that... you’re Helios.

Kiro’s eyes flickered and blinked at me. The golden hair under the now eclipsed sunlight seem to have an extra glow to it. Kiro: Is my name really that important?

MC: Why did you hide it from me? I trusted that you would tell me. That no matter what name you had, you really wouldn’t change...

Kiro: If a superhero were to turn into an arch-villain, would those who always believed in him lose hope? What he want most is for you to be a fairy, free of all cares. Not getting hurt, not getting worries, whose only responsibility is receiving signals and joy and happiness.

Kiro: However, if she is determined to go do something difficult, and she wants to bear this burden on her own... then I wish for her to be a little superhero, who can fly through it all with ease.

Chapter 29

“Don’t get all angry. The person beside you didn't even notice any difference between us. Or put it another way, it seems that “you” aren’t important in this role that you’re playing. Anybody can replace you.” -Anole

Anole is wrong (and just jealous). MC did notice, and plus, he probably wouldn’t have survived in the top experiment that Kiro had undergone in the orphanage. That was something only Kiro would have survived, with his willpower and determination in his heart to make a better life for himself and MC- something that Anole clearly lacks.

-

I had never seen Helios laugh before. His smile wasn't as dazzling as his golden-haired counterpart’s, but one could say that if the former him was the sun, then his smile was now a gentle moon.

THE IRONYYY. Helios is finally okay with showing this side of him to her, from watching her go through trials and tribulations in the Winter World with the other Helios- of course he wouldn’t want any danger to be near MC, but knowing that she can handle anything after all that she went through, he now knows that it’s better for her to be with him instead. Also he learnt how to smile from her and now he’s smiling again as Helios and I’m just so happy

Whether in the face of violent, nefarious enemies or a wave of blood and bullets, he’d never shown any fear. I got the feeling that he was somehow nervous, or even afraid. Was it because he had to return into the spotlight, back the shower of roses and applause?

Well… when he decided to give all that up and step into the darkness with no turning back, what was he thinking then?

-

He leaned on the wall and rested awhile, staring intently at the black tattoo on his right arm… he looked at himself in the mirror. His silver strands of hair were tingled with gold, as if bathed in sunlight. And for only that one time, he didn’t avert his gaze from the desire in his eyes. It was like looking at a self portrait—so distant, yet so familiar. It was only now that he realised: this was the moment in his life most worth reliving. Once again, he had become Kiro.

In the PV/Karma (photo down below), we see him wearing black- not as Helios but as Kiro! Again, ironic how he’s holding a comeback concert he’s wearing black, a colour that represents darkness and shadows. It had been noted in the Snooper Rumours and Secrets that this is way out of Kiro’s style wardrobe. However, this signifies a range of things. The two personas are “merging” as he no longer hides this persona to MC- they’re one in the same. It has always been this way and will never change. The colour black also means power and authority, but can mean fear and grief. This is the same outfit when Kiro was doubting himself in the Light Pursuit Date as well. 

Right now, if we’re talking moon phases, Kiro right now is in “the void”. Meaning he’s “nowhere”. He’s Kiro but he’s also operating as Helios. He feels nervous to go back but it does come so natural for him to be in the spotlight. He feels stuck at crossroads with himself, especially when he got forced back to perform by Anole. 

Ultimately, it’s like he’s saying “no matter what becomes of me, I will always stay true to you.” And I think this is perfectly translated as Kiro says, 

“Miss Chips, wait for me.”

(”Wait for me as I fight for us both. So you don’t have to suffer.”) But we suffer either way.

His light and sun has always come from MC. He will always keep running towards his sun, no matter which persona he embodies. This, we can be certain on. (New Season 2 Chapters please don’t oppose this LOL.)

“I await you at the end of the opposite path.”

[thelightofthingshopedfor]

I genuinely do not know how to engage with the Loki fandom anymore without regularly tanking my mental health, and I have no idea what to do about it.

the thing about my brain is that it sucks, see, and one of the big ways in which it sucks is that it is incredibly easy for me to miserably fixate on anything that upsets me, which then often expands to include all kinds of other tangentially related things that also upset me, thereby becoming a very bad spiral even if the thing that originally upset me was objectively not a huge deal. (I’m also really, really good at catastrophizing, which just accelerates the whole process.) at best, I then find it completely possible to do much of anything, like work on anything creative, or do my actual job that pays my actual bills, or in general remember that anything good can ever happen again. about all I can do to reset my brain when that happens is to ignore every single one of my responsibilities and do something really distracting like playing a game so my brain is engaged in something other than eating itself alive, or maybe just take a sleeping pill and go to bed. (if neither is an option, then it just sucks even more.)

for reasons that I certainly hope are obvious, that’s something I prefer to avoid.

the thing about Loki is, he’s been my absolute favorite character for about a decade now. he’s my comfort character. I can’t reliably write anything except Loki fic (which would be enough of a personal investment even if I hadn’t written a fic or two that helped me deal with the death of my dog a few years ago and my generally unhealthy feelings about death as a concept, but I did that too). I’ve spent a not-inconsiderable amount of money--again, over the past decade--on my collection of Loki stuff because it makes me happy, and I’ve invested probably even more thought and emotion than money into this character. Loki, in general, is very important to me, if for no other reason than that he’s been part of my life for a long time.

and the thing about the Loki show specifically is, I mostly like it. in part this is because I want to like it, because I’m invested for all the reasons mentioned above. there have been aspects of every episode so far that I’ve enjoyed without reservation or qualification...and there have been aspects of every episode so far that have made me cringe or genuinely upset me for one reason or another. but because I want to like it, and because I have that tendency to fixate on things that upset me in a way that makes me absolutely miserable and renders my brain completely useless for doing anything except continuing to be upset, it is genuinely unhealthy for me to spend much time at all reading negativity about the show.

some of the criticism I don’t totally understand and that’s less of an issue, but a lot of it has merit, a lot pretty obviously comes from a place of actual pain, and there’s a lot I agree with (or at least understand even if a specific thing doesn’t bother me as much). so if I read much of it, I will fixate. I will lose sleep. I will be pretty much unable to do things I actually need or want to do. if I want to avoid those things, it’s not enough just to avoid reading really intense criticism of the show; I have to actively seek out positive opinions, both to reinforce my enjoyment of things I already liked and to provide additional viewpoints on things I didn’t particularly like on first watch so I can keep myself from fixating on them (which my brain is quite happy to do on its own, without even seeing specifically negative posts, so you can probably imagine how much worse my brain gets having the negative opinions reinforced).

like--maybe this all sounds kind of silly, I don’t know, but I’ve lived with this garbage brain for more than three decades and I have a pretty good idea of how it works, at least in terms of what makes it even more garbage. to take care of my mental health, I have to approach certain things in certain ways, and I’m...working on not feeling like that’s silly all by itself. in this specific case, that means avoiding a lot of the negativity and making an effort to seek out positive opinions. as long as people tag appropriately, that shouldn’t be hard, right?

well you’d think so, except actually no, because I’ve had the worst time finding people who like the show and don’t also spend a significant amount of their time dumping on fans who hate the show or just, like, have any issues at all with any aspect of it for any reason. it starts to feel like people think that if you’re not worshiping at Marvel’s feet and loving every second of everything in this massive profit-driven franchise, then you are deluded, whiny, entitled, stupid, sadistic, or some combination of the above. and you know what, maybe it’s weird but I absolutely find that just as upsetting as negativity about the show itself. constantly seeing that stuff is equally bad for my mental health, equally likely to make me miserably fixate on it and lead to a spiral of “everything is bad and hopeless and nothing will ever get better in literally any aspect of life so why even bother trying?”

for reasons that I once again hope are obvious, I still want to avoid that! regardless of the cause! and apparently...I don’t have that option. people typically don’t tag criticism of criticism, or at least not with anything specific enough to be really useful, and it sure seems like I can’t look for the positive opinions that help me enjoy the show and avoid unhappily fixating on things I didn’t like, while also avoiding the negative opinions about other fans that also get me unhappily fixated on things that upset me. so the only alternative is, what, take several steps back from fandom entirely? well, I’d have to stop using Tumblr at all for at least a couple weeks, probably avoid the finale for quite a while, stop writing for the most part because Loki fic is too tied up in the overall fandom and I struggle too much with writing anything else, stop reading most fic for the same reason, stop working on customizing any Funko figures or other action figures that aren’t just for Etsy, and generally give up a lot of things that make me happy. weirdly enough, I don’t want to do that either. 

if everyone in this fandom 1) tagged appropriately and consistently and 2) stopped being unnecessarily mean to and about their fellow human beings, I’m pretty sure it would be basically fine. and of course there’s no possible way I can make that happen. if I want to keep enjoying something that does genuinely make me happy often enough to be worthwhile to me, it seems like I just have to choose between two different types of mental-health minefields rather than, you know, being able to avoid all the mines.

so what am I supposed to do with that?

(this is...more or less okay to reblog if you’ve felt at all the same way, wherever you might fall in your opinions about the show itself, as long as you make sure to not be an asshole about it to anyone. this is not the place to talk about how much you hate the show, and it is also not the place to talk about how awful Those Whiny Fans are. take that somewhere else and for god’s sake put a useful tag on it.)

[vaguely-concerned]

The Mandalorian Chapter 14 reactions: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AWESOME BUT ALSO I’M CRYING edition

- the good good din characterization is back after all the weirdness last episode!!!! that soft way he says ‘no, no, I’m not mad at you’? THAT’S din djarin, he would not be fucking impatient with his son having just been informed and seen for himself that he is terrified, go away mr filoni I know you’ve got all of canon memorized but you don’t get this lol. this feels much more right in how din being conflicted and still thinking he should give the baby away for his own good plays out too  

honestly every line of dialogue for him in this one was perfect I was just whispering ‘I love this awkward clueless wonderful man just doing his best’ to myself any time he said anything. “...does this look Jedi to you?” sir I adore you more than words can describe

- we got din chuckling. asjdklfhsdkafghsdafsadhjkfsdahjkfh. fskahfksjad. side note: I can’t believe my joke post about din desperately trying to Force home school the kid with the one (1) jedi trick he knows about and the baby being delighted by it over and over anyway -- listen to his expectant excited laugh when din takes the ball and sets up the game!!!! -- was canon all along. and then the baby & mando music kicking in when he gently put the silver ball into the baby’s hands again and tells him he’s special (because he IS special. to din)? hmng. hmmmmnnnnn  

they opened on the height of softness so we would all crumple under the weight of the rest of the episode and that was very mean of them in a way I sincerely appreciate 

- nothing to see here... just a dad trying to walk through the literal manifestation of the unassailable underlying forces of the universe to get to his baby again and again........ the desperation in that, the love, the foolhardy devotion................... shit

- okay so I might be a dumbass, but I’d never noticed this before -- the silver ball has a blue spot on the top, like so: 

and in addition we get the room where the baby goes full darth grogu (I have to laugh so I don’t cry okay) on those storm troopers, and there’s a red light in there dominating the room (and it did even more in the concept art):

in star wars blue means light side and red means dark side (it’s very sophisticated that way), meaning the visual storytelling here is that there’s a battle for the baby’s soul and gideon and all his nonsense (and the trauma bb’s been through in the wider sense) is pulling towards the dark, while grogu and din’s connection leads him towards the light. just... the image of the baby looking at his own reflection in the symbolic representation of his relationship to din? the way children find their sense of self through being safely reflected and held by their caretakers? god help meeeeeee I will go in there and fistfight gideon myself for disrupting that in any way  

the smaller light seems to be blue too, like there’s still the presence of light even if it’s dimmed and small in that shitty horrible room, which is a change from the concept art!

- FENNEC SHAND SURVIVED BITCHES!!! I even called that she’d be back with new shiny robot parts back in season 1, could not happen to a cooler lady, I hope we get more backstory and interaction from her the next episodes -- sounds like she’s basically sworn herself to boba’s service in gratitude for saving her life, I wonder if that’s a cultural thing of whereever she comes from? does she live aboard slave 1 now too?? because that would be hilarious and amazing, it must be like two strange cats trying to get used to sharing the same space   

- everything I could ever hope for about boba fett in this series came true, they went down the much more interesting and nuanced route with jango and boba’s identities as mandalorians, he looked cool as fuck and made din as a character shine rather than overshadowing him... amazing beautiful yesss 

(I did 100% not anticipate just how ‘cool uncle boba here to help you fuck shit up’ he was going to be but I am delighted to get it anyway. uncle points deducted for getting someone to point a gun at the baby, but the main point still stands lol) 

the power and brutality of his hand to hand fighting too... a w e s o m e , I enjoyed the action scenes a lot in this one

- they even recanonized him actually wearing jango’s armour. what more could I ask for. I’ve had confused parent & child feels about these two since I was like eleven and here we fucking go again. and jango fighting in the mando civil wars too!

- so I’m grieving the razor crest (and I always will be, rip you magnificent jalopy, always in my heart) but also there’s the grim satisfaction that my reading on it was sort of true -- it is (...was. oh god it’s going to take a while to sink in huh) a symbol of din’s self and life, and at this point when they take the baby it tears everything else to pieces. the only thing that’s left in the ashes is the beskar and the thing that connects him to the baby. and there’s... a strange solace in seeing that that’s all he needs to keep going? he’s fucking obliterated from orbit but he still has his love for the baby and the beskar and that can keep him going until he finds something new, everything else can be replaced?????? weirdly healing, though he is probably going to have a solid breakdown at some point after they get the kid back (shut up they are getting the kid back) and the cold distant fog lifts 

also this scene/shot feels like it carries some Meaning, doesn’t it? I’m on record several times saying I never want din to be mand’alor and that’s still true, but there’s something about the framing of this and the way boba looks at him that’s like... hm. I’m not sure I have the words for it. there’s something heightened about it, anyway, for a moment he looks like something mythic there in the wreckage 

(something I would be much cooler with is our clan of two growing a little bit and those new people rallying behind him, actually, that might be neat. imagine if a force user does show up for the baby and gets adopted into the clan somehow??? so many possibilities.) 

- from the way he picks up the silver ball... din djarin is on his way to straight up murder some people huh

I think part of what reassures me about this scene is the music -- this mando flute is not distant, is not beaten, is not despondent, it’s clear and determined and strong.

- 

I love this. I love when we get explicit baby POVs, it makes it feel so real and intimate and... like home. (I especially loved baby’s point of view inside the razor crest, which just made me tear up again. baby lost the closest thing he’s had to a home in a long long time on top of it all. everything is suffering)

-

Emotionally Significant Thumb Grabbing tm; the show

- din djarin looking for the ‘on’ switch on a magic rock fhsdakjfhsadlfhsdjah I can’t breathe

 “Well, this is the seeing stone. Are you. Seeing anything?” fsafkdsajhfsa sdhfksjalhfkjsdahfkjsdhf

- the energy around the baby as he’s, in ahsoka’s words, ‘choosing his path’ is blue, and the force sort of works across time and space, right?? so there’s definitely still hope for our lil green bean to not have to come up with a really dumb unsubtle sith name for himself, as is regrettably yet delightfully tradition. darth babbu should never come to pass (I do like how they’re interrogating the normal dark/light side dichotomy in this series, seeing as this is a literal baby who can’t really be responsible for that stuff himself yet and has such capacity for both.)  

- listen. listen, the way din says ‘can you please hurry up’ with no sarcasm or real impatience whatsoever, more like a harried worry, to his force-meditating son as he jogs off to make sure no one’s trying to kill them. is hilarious and also YES this is what the character is!!! weirdly and incongruously polite under stress sometimes and with a slightly odd reaction pattern to things!!! he’s not just quiet and badass, he’s a little strange sometimes and it’s so good!  

- a friendly opening volley warning shot from boba there

also din uncertainly asking BOBA FETT if he’s a jedi... now this is the dramatic irony I’ve been looking for haha 

I guess neither shand nor boba actually know din’s name after this either. baby you gotta start introducing yourself at some point it gets real confusing when there are two mandos on screen 

oh the long weary sigh going through din’s frame when boba says he wants ‘the armour’ and he thinks it’s just someone trying to peel the beskar off his corpse again. sorry the galaxy’s so shitty dad   

- “But fate sometimes steps in to rescue the wretched” is a killer line well done mr favreau. I like that boba actually offers din a good deal as well and seems to intend to deliver on it from how things are going. 

- din using his beskar-covered bod to cover someone he’s fighting alongside!!! literal moving cover haha. also I love fennec’s costume design  

- I don’t know where din got more whistling birds from and I don’t care, it was really cool haha 

-

wow haha um so anyway -- 

(cue all the ‘who wore it better’ with cobb vanth’s ‘spiderman’s first home made costume’ look on one side and ABSOLUTE UNIT DADDY boba fett on the other side posts lol)

- aaaghh the music almost like a stunned desperate fluttering heart beat as din watches the razor crest be destroyed 

- for someone who has willingly worked for them in the past boba sure sounds less than thrilled about having the empire back in any capacity 

- oof the deadness in din’s voice when he says “The child is gone”. ooooh no that got me  h e l p 

- guessing next episode is at least partly a ‘gathering old allies and preparing the assault’ step before the grand finale, then! they cannot go for the season ender cliffhanger with this, I will fucking riot. anything can be up in the air except baby and dad being separated, I will not allow it

it would be very funny if the force user baby called out to comes stumbling into the middle of all this like the troy entering the room with pizzas meme too 

- the music in the darth grogu scene is partially a dark mirror of the baby & mando music :’( is nothing in this world sacred

also from how he reaches out for it baby might have used a light saber before in the past with the jedi? ngl the idea of baby wielding the dark saber not when he’s all grown up but in like two episodes -- with all the chaos a toddler holding a laser sword would involve -- is all that is keeping me sane here 

‘liable to put an eye out with one of these’ well gideon you sure have doomed someone to lose an eye with that one, here’s to hoping it’s you, for full dramatic payoff 

he is a deliciously smug awful force with great musical cues tho, you have to give it to him

- okay so this

is obviously awful and horrible and it makes me so sad... but it is undeniably also very very very funny in how it’s framed. you know what? after all this bullshit baby grogu can have a little dark side tantrum, as a treat, we’ve all been there right

(forget finding a jedi, we need to go out there and find a child psychologist who can help him deal with this without adding the fear that he’s on the path to become a two foot tall evil space sorcerer to the mix Y_________Y) 

- rip the razor crest except for the second time :’’’( gone but never forgotten

- the last thing din tells the baby is “I’m gonna protect you; I’ll be back soon”. and I hope that stays with the kid somehow and that it actually comes true, that din will be back for him as soon as humanly possible and all this pain and fear can be repaired. ggggghhhhh my emotions are too big for my dumb human body 

[thisaliennerd]

so true blaine, sam and britt are autistic!! but post about it i wanna know why u think that

I literally only needed one person to ask me this, so thank you for being that person, anon! Britt is very self-explanatory, and Sam is also pretty obvious imo (although I do have lots of notes on him too), but since I think Blaine needs a little bit more explaining, here is my evidence as to why I think he’s autistic.

First of all, let’s look at some of the common symptoms of autism in adults:

Difficulty interpreting what others are thinking or feeling

Trouble interpreting facial expressions, body language, or social cues

Difficulty regulating emotion

Trouble keeping up a conversation

Inflection that does not reflect feelings

Difficulty maintaining the natural give-and-take of a conversation; prone to monologues on a favorite subject

Tendency to engage in repetitive or routine behaviors

Only participates in a restricted range of activities

Strict consistency to daily routines; outbursts when changes occur

Exhibiting strong, special interests

I think Blaine exhibits all or almost all of these things throughout the show, so let’s go through the list, point by point (with examples):

First, difficulty interpreting what others are thinking or feeling. Blaine is very bad at this, especially romantic feelings. He doesn’t catch on to Kurt or Tina having crushes on him for way too long even though neither of them are subtle about it. He also doesn’t seem to pick up on most of Sebastian’s stuff. He seems to be aware that he’s hitting on him, but he doesn’t seem to be aware of his rivalry with Kurt or any of his malicious intent. Every time he and Kurt get into a fight he needs Kurt to explicitly tell him what’s wrong. 

Second, trouble interpreting facial expressions, body language, or social cues. Blaine is TERRIBLE at this. He doesn’t understand sarcasm, he can never tell when people are lying to him, he often doesn’t understand how to talk to his peers, and he has no idea when people are uncomfortable. I have so many examples for this and the first point, but here’s just a small sample: s2e12 (22:15) - not getting that Jeremiah was very uncomfortable with the song, s5e9 (37:20) - when he’s named valedictorian instead of Artie or Tina, he apologizes to them and says that he thinks that things get handed to him, they sarcastically say they haven’t noticed, and Blaine believes them, s5e14 (15:10) - when he asks Kurt if he’s smothering him, and Kurt lies and says no, he believes him even though Kurt is a terrible liar, and (my favorite example of this) in s6e5 (40:15) - saying that he should thank Sue for trapping them in that elevator because now he and Kurt are just friends, and she says, “So thank me” and he actually says thank you (followed by Kurt saying, “Don’t actually thank her!” - amazing).

Third, difficulty regulating emotion. Blaine is very bad at regulating his emotions, especially negative ones. Most notably, anger. Blaine has intense angry outbursts, which will tie in later. Examples of this: season 3 episode 8 (13:50) - getting into a fight with Sam, season 5 episode 14 (26:50 and 27:20) - yelling at Elliot, and season 3 episode 15 (22:35) - outburst at Cooper.

Fourth, trouble keeping up a conversation. Blaine frequently talks about how he’s bad at communication and talking to people, especially about feelings, outside of song. He often has to sing to say bad news or confess things. Examples of this: Singing to tell Kurt about him cheating (s4e4 - 14:30), singing to confess his feelings to Sam (s4e17 - 21:15), singing to tell Kurt he’s not in June’s showcase (s5e20 - 10:40). When he is confronted by a conversation that makes him uncomfortable or that he wasn’t prepared for, he often has to shut down to think about it. Examples of this are when Kurt confesses his crush in season 2 episode 12 (30:40), Sam telling him he knew about Blaine’s crush in season 4 episode 17 (37:10), and the Frat Boy Physicals incident in season 5 episode 16 (21:05).

Fifth, inflection that does not reflect feelings. Generally, Blaine seems to be pretty good at this, especially in comparison to Brittany, but when he gets upset, he does sometimes get weirdly monotoned or just puts on a strange tone of voice. The best example of this I have is in season six, episode four (9:40 and 10:10).

Sixth, difficulty maintaining the natural give-and-take of a conversation; prone to monologues on a favorite subject. This is definitely true, especially when he gets upset about things. Season 5 episode 7 has the best examples of this, he starts by trying to lead the glee club in Mr. Shue’s absence, but he ends up coming on too strong and speaking over his peers (00:40). Next, when Kurt implies that he’s being a puppet master, he gets very upset, and keeps focusing on and coming back to that, even when Kurt tries to change the subject (6:45), and finally, he starts ranting to Brad, and cuts him off when Brad tries to chime in with his problems (11:40). 

Seventh, tendency to engage in repetitive or routine behaviors. Blaine has the most consistent clothing and presentation out of anyone in the show, and as seen in season 3 episode 15 (17:15 and 38:10) and in season 5 episode 6 (28:15), Blaine has been dressing like this and doing his hair the same way since he was a kid. He even owns the same shirt in multiple colors (season 5 episode 6: 27:25). In season 4 episode 17, he talks to Sam about how his daily routine and how he walks the exact same way from class every day (00:45). This is also the first time Blaine mentions efficiency, he measures his routine down to the second, and it being efficient is really important to him. This comes back in season 5 episode 14 when he’s trying to make the loft more efficient (23:05). He also reveals in season 5 episode 20 that he needs to measure the stage before performing in order to improv (7:30).

Eighth, only participates in a restricted range of activities. Now you may be thinking, but Miriam, this doesn’t apply, wasn’t he president of like every club his senior year? Yes, he was, but this actually doesn’t disprove this one. He still really is focused on a few activities like glee club, student council, and school in general. He only signs up for the other clubs in a time of crisis, and he’s never seen doing anything outside of school in college or in seasons 2 or 3 (except for his special interests). And as these are all school clubs, that meet on school grounds, they’re still in his comfort zone. 

Ninth, strict consistency to daily routines, and outbursts when changes occur. So we’ve talked about his routines, what happens when they’re broken? In season 5 episode 14, Blaine attempts to set routines with Kurt, making him breakfast every day, scheduling their days rigorously, etc., which leads Kurt to feeling smothered, but Blaine tells Elliot that he feels like he doesn’t know how to communicate. He feels very uncomfortable with the change of living in New York and the shift in the power dynamic between them. This is reinforced a few episodes later in episode 16, when these issues come back. In addition, episode 16 has an example of Blaine having an outburst when a short-term plan is disrupted. He and Kurt had planned to walk to class together, and Kurt had bailed without telling him, and Blaine gets very upset (23:05). Another example of this is when he finds Tina and Sam making out in season 5 episode 10 (24:45, 29:30). Their plans were disrupted, and he has an outburst/meltdown. Another example of long-term routines being disrupted is in season 3 episode 8. Sam has just come back to McKinley, and immediately, Sam and Blaine dislike each other. They’re both trying to choreograph and don’t like each other’s ideas, and they get into a fight that gets physical. Both of them are having an outburst due to the other invading the other’s space and routines (13:50). This then becomes an example of point three, as Blaine is seen boxing (physical reaction) to regulate his emotions (effectively stimming), which he also does in season 3 episode 15 when he’s angry at Cooper (26:40).

Finally, exhibiting strong, special interests. This one is probably the easiest to prove. Blaine’s special interests include show choir (he knows everything about it, he even reads the show choir blogs - s5e11: 6:50), boxing (he started a fight club at Dalton - s3e8: 14:00), Broadway (when he coaches the Warblers, Karofsky mentions that it’s pulling teeth to get Blaine to use any music that’s not Broadway - s6e3: 00:25), piano, and even music in general. To give some specific examples, Blaine is also known for having some shorter-term interests that he gets just as invested in, the best examples of this are puppet making (I know, I know, but it applies, he gets so into it for that week) from season 5 episode 7, dressing up as a superhero (no neurotypical person could do Nightbird, please) from season 4 episode 7 and season 5 episode 10 (16:45), and star wars fanfiction (he and Sam have a whole conversation about how ewoks are obviously polygamists) from season 5 episode 15 (5:20 and 26:35).

Blaine also has some other general traits. If you’ve ever watched him sing, he is constantly bouncing on his toes. He’s prone to incredibly intense eye contact, and is very sensitive to criticism, rejection, and public embarrassment (Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria - I have too many examples of this to name). Little things that could be interpreted as sensory overload: season 5 episode 7 - hating loud chaotic environments, and lashing out because of it (00:35 and 00:55) and season 6 episode 5 - where he’s the first to say that they should just kiss to get out of Sue’s elevator because he’s getting very hot (29:00). In season 6 episode 1 during the break up scene, Kurt says that Blaine initiated a 3 hour fight about Kurt getting toothpaste on a towel (21:30), which is not neurotypical behavior, and Blaine responds in a way that indicates that it really bothered him. He’s an actor seemingly a very talented one, something that would make sense if he’d been masking his whole life. Finally, he has a very deep connection with Sam, who is clearly neurodivergent. He and Britt are the only people who understand Sam, and there are multiple times where Blaine knows how to calm Sam down when no one else can.

Now there’s also a case to be made about him having a terrible childhood and having some trauma from that, (I strongly believe that he feels like he has to be doing things for people in order for them to love him because of Cooper) but I also think that this is pretty compelling evidence.

The episodes that I found the most evidence in if you want to look for yourself are season 2 episode 12, season 4 episode 11 (this one’s also good for Sam), season 5 episodes 7, 14, 16, and 20, and season 6 episodes 1 and 5.

[ouyangzizhensdad]

Hey, feel free to ignore this, but I'd love to hear your grievances against Bridgerton? I saw some of the fashion posts you rbed, but I'm especially intrigued by the "fails on all aspects" parts? Thanks!

Hi there,

There is honestly so much that could be said and analysed in finer points but the short version of it is just that it is a bad story wrapped in the glitz of high production value but surprisingly little good technical execution despite all the money shoveled at it. Bridgerton is the type of show where the petty, mean side of me would delight in a detailed and cutthroat list of all of its flaws but for which I do not care enough to be actually invested in hating it. It’s just a thing to be puzzled and petty about: people think Bridgerton is good. Wild.

Now let me first say that I have no inherent problems with anachronistic creative choices, or the idea of a contemporary take on period dramas. After all, all period dramas are inevitably told through a contemporary lens, to different degrees. It’s also not like they were the first big production to do it either: has everyone just forgot about The Great Gatsby? or tumblr’s favourite Hamilton? I honestly think this kind of mixing already has so many cool outcomes when it comes to music (like this, this or this and this), I do believe we could get something really interesting out of creative anachronism in mainstream visual media. I’m also more forgiving with newer forms of experimentation, because sometimes new ideas need to be worked out before they reach their full potential. But the way Bridgerton does it.... so clearly lacks a clear creative vision and dedication to the concept imo that it makes it harder to excuse the ways it fails since the failures seem to originate from that lack of vision and dedication to storytelling. For instance, there is seemingly no logic as to when the diegetic music will be an instrumental cover of a contemporary song or not--which does not even broach the topic of how bad those ‘classical music’ arrangements for modern songs were? Honestly embarrassing how lazy those arrangements were: hire a good composer (or any at all), you cowards. And then the costumes... once again, a lack of internal logic seems to permeate the choices presented in addition to a lack of care in its execution: so many of the dresses are ill-fitted, the characterisation through the outfits were all over the place (like the mom who wore a silhouette that no one else wore and had no basis in any fashion of the era) and so many of the fabrics/jewellery looked the opposite of expensive (kind of looked like a lot of it was polyester and plastic tbh), which is sort of a problem when you are trying to sell the fantasy of "The lives of the rich and famous but make it regency” imo although I suppose a portion of the audience just doesn’t notice lmao. Honestly I find that a lot of ‘costume historians’ who made video essays on Bridgerton were too nice with the show, perhaps in order not to come off as seeming to hate the costumes on the basis of them not being historically accurate, and as a result were way too forgiving imo. And this lack of real creative vision is also something we see in the cinematography and direction which.... seems often confused about the way it wants to make things feel fantastical and ends up dropping the ball on the execution of these meant-to-be extravagant or over-the-top shots.

But, again, the cinematography is just... middling at best, made only worse by the editing which is just plain bad. I guess you’ll have to just take me on my word on this because I am not willing to do an autopsy of all I find off about it, but lord jesus mary and joseph it was painful to watch at certain moments.

Bridgerton is not the first show to do colourblind casting, although I’d say it deserves recognition for fucking it up for no reason at all. Like, sure there are criticisms to be had about how it remains still a very white story that falls into certain tropes wrt darker skin characters or the glaring lack of south asian representation considering what the contemporary UK looks like, etc. but what I’m gesturing at is the totally unnecessary but mind-boggling “royal love solved racism” twist we get in the, what, fourth episode? (Broey Deschannel covered the topic quite well imo) The audience would have accepted that there were no in-world explanation for the colourblind version of the already-made fantastical regency that had them dancing to Ariana Grande songs. The colourblindness, racism-free society would have just been another aspirational aspect. They literally did not need to do this.

Honestly I don’t feel like I need to get into why the story itself is not very good or well-executed since it feels very obvious. I won’t begrudge on principle the show for using well-worn tropes and common-to-the-point-of-farce character archetypes, but I have to object to the way it uses them and in the service of what story. And not to make myself in a plot-hole-ding kind of person-who-has-thoughts-about-media, but this is not a story that holds up well to scrutiny or logic, let’s say. And any type of social or political commentary it tried to include was dumb to the point of farce: the Feminist Character Who Wants to Read not Go Dance was just.... a masterclass in bad, embarrassing writing. I am surprised at how unlikeable and boring the vast majority of the characters were, but perhaps less surprised at how a series that planned on having multiple seasons already sold the twist of Lady Whistleblow’s identity at the end of the first season, for what seemed to be no narrative reason at all. That being said, I have to give credit where it’s due and acknowledge that there is a skill in being able to produce stories that get extremely popular and well-loved.

(Do I need to mention the performances? So many underwhelming or embarrassing performances. It’s hard to tell sometimes whether it’s the actors themselves or the directing that’s the issue, or a mixture of both, but.... oof).

I guess in the end Bridgerton’s biggest transgression is it sits for me in the uncomfortable middle where it is neither trashy or campy fun nor is it an interesting work of fiction. Differently put, it is simply neither good nor fun.

[ms-demeanor]

I continue to see a lot of takes on Dunn and Parker and I continue to have opinions but I don’t want to add to that already mile-long post, so:

Yes, layouts CAN be plagiarized

I know that not everyone is a huge page design nerd but my job at the local paper was doing page layout and I had a literal stack of awards three feet high for doing page layout for newspapers and magazines in college and my rinky-dink little community college magazine got nominated for the same design award as Harvard’s college magazine did (though neither of us won). I am a big old page design nerd.

And I’ve seen page design plagiarism! It was a thing that came up when I was working at yearbook camp (because I am such a big page design nerd that one of my first jobs out of high school was TAing at a yearbook camp). There’s a difference between being *inspired by* and *straight ripping off* and sometimes people DO straight rip off page layouts.

Now, it would be difficult to say “well, a full bleed double-page photo with a white sans-serif font across it is MY idea, you can’t use it!” because something like that WOULD be pretty fundamental.

But I *would* say “two column layout with long, dense paragraphs and closely-placed, bold headers centrally aligned with ink drawings of pens at a 45 degree angle and illustrations of the types of marks each pen makes” *IS* specific enough that you can say someone copied that design.

But you can’t say that if the person who “copied” the design has a central column of text with short paragraphs that have widely spaced headers which is bracketed by two rows of pens at 45 and 135 degree angles.

So layout plagiarism is a thing but it is not a thing that I see evidence of between these two books.

“But the way they teach these things is identical”

We have maybe two thousand (being generous) words of clear text from Parker’s book. The “application” page is one of those and Dunn specifically comments on Parker’s use of Form and Contour and compares them to his own use of “cross contour”

Now, I *do* have an issue with people saying “there are only so many words you can use to describe fundamentals” because there are thousands of possible ways that you can describe anything and that’s not the issue - the issue is that both of these people are providing DEFINITIONS for terms and definitions, by definition, are definitive.

Contour is a word that has a definition. Mark is a word that has a definition. Variety is a word that has a definition. Form is a word that has a definition. These terms additionally have industry-specific definitions that are even narrower than the decontextualized definitions of the words.

One of the places that Dunn goes most in-depth on this is his discussion of how long it took him to define and articulate what “consistency” means. This is one of the things that people are citing when they say that Parker is teaching the exact same way.

Dunn says “It took me a long time to develop this idea - what you’re seeing here on one page is a distillation of several pages and months of deliberating with myself and deciding and trying to clarify the idea - when you say be consistent, what do you mean?” and came to “spacing, weight, sizing, direction.”

Parker’s page has “[illegible with three bars of different values], Length, [illegible except for the words “far apart” over variably spaced lines], Direction.”

I don’t even know that Parker actually SAYS weight, he may say “shade” or “value” because he word is illegible.

Regardless, here’s a book over a century old talking about how to illustrate texture: Length, weight, spacing, direction. 1899.

NONE of these three things (Dunn’s page “Keep Strokes Consistent,” Parker’s page “Consistently in Lines” and McGinnis’s comment on using varied strokes to render texture) but all three of these things rely on the same principles. Also Dunn has repeatedly said that his page on consistency is part of his chapter on shading and Parker’s is in a chapter called “Style and Technique.” In fact Dunn criticizes Parker for putting this in the wrong place because he (Parker) doesn’t understand where it goes and put it in the wrong place because he stole it without understanding it.

FROM WHAT HAS BEEN SHOWN SO FAR OF BOTH BOOKS these are not identical teaching styles. If there is significant overlap beyond sequencing and common terms it’s difficult to tell because we can’t read it; but it’s also frustrating to see Dunn’s sober, clear, technical drawing book held up as identical to one that seems to be narrated by cartoon bears. That alone should suggest that the underlying pedagogy is different.

But the sequence is too exact!

One of the examples of this that people are really harping on is the flip-through from Materials (with the illustration of pens), Additional materials (with the pencil, eraser, rulers, and dust brush), and then the movement to pen control.

Here’s page 10 of “Drawing with Pen and Ink,” in the chapter about requisite materials.

Here is page 12, with an eraser and ruler:

Here is page 17 with inkholders and a dust brush:

That is immediately followed by pen handling (so, you know, control):

Then into basic strokes:

Then into how to vary a stroke:

I don’t know what the exact sequence of Style and Technique is in Parker’s book is because we’ve only seen a few isolated pages, but here’s the ToC for Arthur L. Guptill’s “Drawing with Pen and Ink” from 1928

And here’s the ToC for Dunn’s “Pen and Ink Drawing”

The sequence of “Drawing in Pen and Ink” for chapters 1-9 and the sequence of the first three chapters of “Pen & Ink Drawing” have a huge amount of overlap - the rest of the books do too, but the introductory chapters especially are REMARKABLY similar.

Here’s the table of contents of Pen Drawing, an Illustrated Treatise, from 1899:

Does this mean that Alphonso Dunn plagiarized his work? Of course not! And I saw some comments on the other post I made about Julianna Kunstler needing some credit but, really, she doesn’t. This is just really, really, really standard technique stuff that is super common.

For the record, here are some value studies in gradient boxes from nearly a hundred years ago.

[alterofnaught]

I didn’t want to hijack @lamekit‘s really good post on the topic (go read it) but wanted to share some thoughts about why I don’t think it would have made any sense for Kaito and Kokichi to team up earlier and why a partnership between them wouldn’t make sense or work out before the situation forced their hand..

Kaito reaching out to Shuichi works because Shuichi wants that, he needs the reassurance and validation that Kaito gives out in spades. And so does Maki. Despite acting like she doesn’t. She is receptive to his advances even if she is cold and distant about it. She agrees to join the group in Chapter 1 (something Kokichi would not have agreed to even if Kaito asked probably). Despite being physically strong and very capable of not giving in to Kaito trying to pull her into the group and into training, she does it. She wants that acceptance and inclusion despite not being able to verbalize it or handle it. Her backstory is part of the main story to give us this context in her character for a reason- it’s important. Kaito tries somewhat to reach out to Kokichi as stated in the post but gets deterred because of the way Kokichi acts. Maki wants to be reached out for and doesn’t really have any other purpose or drive in the game (beyond keeping her secret early on). Kokichi did have a very clear purpose and goal in mind unlike Maki- he wasn’t lost like she was or Shuichi was and so Kaito extending a hand isn’t as appealing to him. 

Also, Kokichi simply would not accept Kaito reaching out. As pointed out in the post. He runs away when Kaito tries and level with him (with violence of course which doesn’t help but I don’t think he’d be all that receptive either way). And there’s multiple reasons beyond just general paranoia. So even if Kaito had been more stubborn about reaching out, Kokichi would never have accepted. Because that could ruin his plan and get people killed. And he’s not totally wrong. 

They have very different viewpoints. Kokichi recognizes it and points it out. Kokichi quickly realizes the game will punish them for working together and will retaliate against those who try and mess with it. So he knows just general teamwork won’t work out. Kaito is stubborn and believes in teamwork and they would not be a good fit at all in the earlier parts of the game. Clashing and arguing would be counterproductive and could harm his plan and get people killed which Kokichi doesn’t want. 

Also I think its important to see how Kaito is willing to work with and trust people with absolutely no proof. The people he picks in chapter 1 to fight are all based on just gut feelings (esp Maki, Himiko, and Angie who really hadn’t done anything that showed them to be particularly strong or useful). Kokichi however, only approached people after noting their use. Gonta he points out being useful when he lifts the metal plate and Miu shows how useful she is in CH1 with her inventions. There is a lot of intent in who he approached. They are useful. Kaito... doesn’t really offer much in the Killing Game situation. The only thing he really brings to the table in trials is emotional support to Shuichi which... isn’t something Kokichi is looking for. Kokichi clearly put a lot of consideration into who he approached. Kaito is more intelligent and capable than the cast gives him credit for of course but his usefulness would not make up for just how risky he is. Kaito isn’t what Kokichi is looking for in an ally when his goal is to figure out the mastermind and stop the game- something that requires him to doubt the others constantly. 

Kaito also would question anything Kokichi does. Which is something the two people he works with notably do NOT do. Gonta is naive and trusting and all he needs is the assertion that it’s beneficial to the group and he will help (although, because he is nice and desperate to be useful to the group- not because he’s an idiot incapable of making his own decisions). He isn’t going to doubt and question Kokichi’s plans once he knows that. And Miu... remember how its a major point that she straight up doesn’t even ask why Shuichi wanted the cameras? She just likes making stuff and if it’s seems useful enough she will do it. 

Neither of them are going to try and pry into Kokichi’s plans. Something he isn’t willing to reveal and could put a giant target on his back or anyone working with him because he KNOWS they are being watched. Kaito wouldn’t just accept Kokichi’s plan without wanting to know more and butting in. Shuichi and Kaito both have lots of moments where they question what Kokichi says unlike the others who tend to brush it off. Gonta and Miu will work with him without him having to reveal all his cards. And not really the point of this post but it’s why him not approaching Shuichi until it’s literally too late makes sense (and in such a way there was no way he’d actually accept). Even if he recognizes that Shuichi is useful and very much could be the person who could solve what he couldn’t... he isn’t willing to fully trust someone he doesn’t totally understand and would definitely question him. Working with Kaito and Shuichi may have been beneficial earlier but it makes sense why Kokichi wouldn’t try (and vice versa- Shuichi is too wary of Kokichi and Kaito approaches him with violence which is not effective at all)

As I said in this post, the three of them can clearly find common ground and have similar goals but at the end of the day it never would work. And not just because no one reached out to Kokichi like Kaito did for Maki and Shuichi. Nor is it just because of Kokichi’s stubborn and paranoid nature. It’s a combination of all of that and the outside forces working against them. All three of them have major flaws that impede them from understanding and cooperating with each other fully (in addition to the fact they are in a killing game and can’t act freely). It’s what makes chapter five so interesting in my opinion.

Kaito simply doesn’t have the right approach to get to Kokichi in a meaningful way at all. And Kokichi isn’t looking for that either like Maki and Shuichi were. Kokichi purposefully made himself unapproachable so I don’t blame the cast for not reaching out. Plus I think people forget that Kokichi operated under the idea that Monokuma/the mastermind would go after him if he did allow himself to be reached and worked with any more people than he absolutely had to. And I feel like that would be the case and a safe assumption based on what Kokichi is shown to know in the game. That gets more into personal views of how Tsumugi and the game operates territory but the main point is I don’t think it would have made any sense for Kokichi and Kaito to collaborate until their hands were forced and I also don’t think it would have necessarily been the solution to stopping the game either. Probably a bit rambly and not a totally coherent analysis but I agree with the post I linked that I don’t think it really makes sense for them to work together earlier at all and wouldn’t really fix anything unfortunately and oversimplifies the characters and the situation. 

[asthmark]

❝ not alone ❞, l.ty

synopsis → “you know, every reset we’re supposed to forget everyone and everything but no matter what i can never seem to forget how happy you make me.”

word count → 2.5k

warnings → angsty!!! the plot may not make sense since it’s literally 1 in the morning oops

a/n → i hope this concept makes sense and it isn’t too confusing or messy!! if it is just shoot me an ask i would be more than happy to clarify :] anyway i actually like the outcome of this but i am too tired to go back and reread it all for any mistakes so i just hope google docs has my back lol gn everyone

7:00 A.M.

the alarm you set for every year at the exact hour goes off at its appointed time, much to your dismay. the mere sound of your phone beeping has a knot forming in your stomach. you wished it would stop, that everything would just stop but that was beyond unrealistic. in fact, you felt foolish for even letting yourself think like that. no matter how badly you wanted things to change, they never would. you would have to endure the same things every year.

you had struggled to fall asleep the night before, that exact thought on your mind and the dread of facing the following day eating away at you. you had only managed to get some rest because of taeyong, who held onto you tightly and caressed your hair as he whispered sweet words to ease you into much needed sleep.

but the day was here now and there was no amount of romantic words or tender touches that would change that. there was absolutely nothing either of you could do about it.

you lean over towards your nightstand to turn off the alarm and taeyong stirs when he feels you begin to shift around in his arms. you lay beside him, staring up at the ceiling as he slowly begins to wake up. he yawns and stretches his limbs out on the mattress which was routinely for him. this would usually be followed by him trying to give you a smooch only for you to squirm away, giggling as you complained about his morning breath.

it is not one of those mornings.

8:09 A.M.

you end up having cereal for breakfast, another big switch up from your routine. normally, you two would browse the internet in search of a recipe that looked promising and try your best to recreate it. you would end up with flour, sugar and dirty dishes all over the place but you never cared. then you would sit at the couch, happily enjoying the finished product and chatting with the tv playing softly in the background.

that morning you sit at the dinner table silently, the cereal in your bowls going soggy before either of you had made a dent in it. you had lost any appetite and from the looks of it so has taeyong.

“you should eat.”

you glance up at your boyfriend. he isn’t eating either, instead he focuses on dipping his spoon into his cereal, bringing it above the bowl only to let it fall back in again. you put your silverware down. “i don’t think i can.”

he hums softly, agreeing with you. “are you nervous?”

it went without saying that you were both terrified. but you know he’s just trying to make conversation. you just nod your head anyway.  

10:31 A.M.

you and taeyong move to sit on the couch, turning on the tv so you don’t have to bear anymore uncomfortable silences.

even the newscaster looks down in the dumps, as expected. her voice lacks emotion as she speaks about the forecast, knowing nobody would be taking genuine interest unless it was to get their mind off of the current situation.

what did she expect? the world was restarting, people weren’t going to care about the weather.

“now, for the ongoing events,” says another news anchor. “as we are all well aware of, today is the annual reset. businesses worldwide have closed, most people opting to spend the day with their friends and family and we advise any viewers to do the same. talk to your loved ones about the memories you’ve made in the past year and write down the things and people you do not want to forget.”

you turn to taeyong only to find his gaze is already focused on you. you don’t hesitate to grab the hand that rests in his lap and intertwined his fingers with yours. neither of you say a word as you go back to watching the television, taeyong giving your hand a reassuring squeeze every so often.

12:46 P.M.

by noon, you and taeyong had begun cleaning your apartment, making sure it was well organized so that the next day you could focus only on getting settled in to your, essentially, new lives. you do the standard dusting and vacuuming along with similar around-the-house chores. while going through the closet, taeyong finds a shoe box full of polaroids you two had taken throughout the years. there are dates and other additional notes scribbled in sharpie on every single picture so your post-reset selves could read about the details of each photo since you would not be able to remember it. he calls out your name, smiling brightly when he sees your face light up as you fondly look over your shared moments.

“i’m so glad we got that camera,” you say, shifting through a stack of the photographs.

he nods. “probably your best idea yet.”

you find a picture of him giving you a piggyback ride and coo. it’s quite blurry but you can clearly see the huge grins on your faces. “look at us.” you hand him the photo. “we look so happy.”

he makes a noise of agreement, staring lovingly at the image. “you know, every reset we’re supposed to forget everyone and everything but no matter what i can never seem to forget how happy you make me.”

“quit it.” you shove his shoulder, smiling sadly as you attempt to blink away the tears forming in your eyes. “i don’t want to cry right now, there’s still so much work to do.”

“it can wait.” he opens his arms and that’s all it takes for you to break. you crawl into his embrace, sobbing softly into his chest. it tugs at his heart strings. he tucks his chin above your head but you still notice how his shoulders shake and quiet hiccups escape his lips.

3:28 P.M.

once you and taeyong get tired of being confined to your apartment, you decide to go out for a breath of fresh air. you walk around aimlessly and your final destination turns out to be olympic park. as expected, it’s quite empty since as you had heard on the news, everyone was spending their last couple hours with those they loved in private.

you take in the beautiful scenery and if either you catch sight of a pretty rock or blooming flower, you will stop to pick it up and carefully place it in your pockets for safe keeping. you had found that they served as good reminders of all the time you spent together. in fact, there are many more of these mini souvenirs in your home, decorating your shelves.  

“hold up,” says taeyong suddenly.

when you look at him his eyes have zeroed in on something on the ground. he kneels down and picks up a smooth rock. you can’t help but notice the familiarity of it’s color.

“pretty, right?” he says, dropping the item in the palm of your hand. “it matches your eyes.”

you smile at him, finding his attention to detail incredibly endearing. you hold on to the rock, feeling its curves with your fingers until a cluster of chrysanthemums catches your attention and you have to free up your hands to pick one. you decide on a yellow one and present it to your boyfriend.

“here,” you say. “for you.”

“hey, aren’t i supposed to be the one giving you flowers?” taeyong asks but he takes it from you anyway.

“you’re supposed to give flowers to people you like,” you say. “and i like you.”

“you like me?” he asks, gasping softly. “how embarrassing.”

you go along with his joke. “don’t you like me too?”

he shakes his head and makes a face. “no way... i love you.”

you shove his shoulder. “so cheesy.”

he can’t argue with that so he just nods and chuckles as he tucks the chrysanthemum into his dark locks of hair. at seeing this, you raise the polaroid camera round your neck toward taeyong and he, already used to it, automatically poses for you. he puts his arms over his head, curving them into a kind of crooked heart. he gives an open mouthed smile only resuming to his normal position when he hears the click of the camera. you and him share a laugh once the polaroid picture develops completely.

“oh god, i look ridiculous,” he comments. “please get rid of that.”

you only give him a sarcastic, “yeah sure” and continue walking.

you two never got rid of pictures, no matter how ridiculous or unflattering they were. you agreed that every moment you shared counted and deserved to be remembered.  

although, they never would be.

5:45 P.M.

you chew on the cap of your pen, massaging your aching hand. you had been writing for almost an hour and you had your cramping fingers to prove it. despite the discomfort, you aren’t one to break tradition. the ‘things i love about you’ list was an ongoing thing you and taeyong had been doing for... ever. they definitely came in handy if either if you wanted to read about what the other was like in past years.

“everything good over there?” taeyong asks, from the other side of the couch.

you shake your head. “this is too hard. i have no idea how i’ve kept this up for four years.”

he puts a hand over his heart. “wow, i’m that hard to love, huh?”

“you know that’s not what i meant,” you say, glaring. “i just have so much stuff to say about you, so much stuff i want future me to know.”

he nods, solemnly. “i get it. i don’t want to leave out a thing but it’s kinda hard to fit a year’s worth of feelings and emotions into a couple pages.”

your let your head fall onto the couch. “why do you have to be so lovable?”

taeyong points an accusing finger at you. “i could ask you the same thing! you’re the most wonderful human being on the planet, if i try to write everything i love about you my hand will fall off!”

you sit up to stare at him. he looks genuinely offended by your ‘wonderfulness’. you pick up your pen and paper.

adorably dramatic, you write.

he scoots closer to you, exclaiming, “hey, what did you just put!”

you hug your notepad tightly to your chest. “no peeking!”

7:12 P.M.

your boyfriend hands you his letter with hopeful eyes. unlike the lists that had been made hours earlier, these writings had been in the works for quite some time. there are letters you and taeyong had written for each other dated all the way from 2016. that was also the year the first polaroids you owned were from so you both assumed it was when you had begun dating. if you ever want to have a good cry, all you have to do is find those letters.

in them, there are heartfelt words for the other person’s eyes only describing how they felt around them, why they were so special, among other sentiments. most importantly, though, you always included why you would never forget the other person. of course, one could say how ironic this was considering that forgetting was what the reset was all about but nevertheless, it was reassuring to read. it made your love seem unbreakable; something so strong it defied the impossible.  

you give taeyong your letter, feeling somewhat nervous. he doesn’t hesitate to open the envelope carefully. he slowly removes your letter from inside and you mirror his delicacy. the pair of you sit in absolute silence as you read the words off the pages.

my y/n,

what an amazing year it’s been with you. i know i say that in every letter i write but it’s really true. i never wrote things like this before you came along. only the basics—my name, who my parents were, my birthday, etc. you know, things like that. frankly, i had nothing else worth remembering. but now i do. you’re my whole world, the only thing i truly know and i am convinced i could not be any happier or luckier.

i don’t know what a life without you is like literally but i wouldn’t have it any other way. the situation the world faces with this whole reset mess isn’t ideal and i’ll oftentimes think of what a normal life would be like. even then, in this perfect universe, you’re still by my side.

i still wake up next to you.

i still spend every waking moment with you.

i still fall asleep with you in my arms.

you are still my everything. i am convinced you always will be.

many people avoid love or close relationships nowadays knowing that at the end of the year it’ll all be erased no matter what. how dumb is that? they don’t know what they’re missing out on. having a partner is nothing short of a blessing and you’ve taught me that by being with me every step of the way. sure, forgetting our past together doesn’t get any easier and neither does writing these letters but i’d write a million of them if that’s what it took to have you by my side.

i can only hope you’ll continue being there for me and give me something worth remembering in future years.

you are the light of my life and i can’t wait to fall in love with you again.

yours truly,

taeyong

the tears stroll down your cheeks and drip down on to the paper in your shaky hands. you use your sleeve to try and wipe them away to the best of your ability without smudging the ink. taeyong finishes reading your letter moments later, placing on the coffee table and only staring at you with a distant look in his eyes.

your voice comes out in a whisper. “are you okay?”

he nods, sniffling but his shiny eyes say otherwise. “can you maybe just... hold me?” his voice cracks along with your heart.

he ends up with his head in your lap, your fingers pulling and tugging at his soft hair. you have a couple hours left but you wouldn’t be opposed to leaving the year in this exact position.

11:59 P.M.

taeyong has made it clear he wants you to be the first thing he sees when you enter the new year. so, you spend your last minute getting into a position that will allow that.

you end up sitting sit cross-legged across from him. he’s in the same position and in the small distance between you, your fingers meet. the hold he has on your hands is so tight his knuckles have turned white. his eyes bore into yours and although he doesn’t say a word, his hazel orbs let you know it’s all going to be okay. you repeat those words to yourself.

it’s going to be okay.

it’s going to be okay.

it’s going to be okay.

“i love you,” you blurt.

he only has a couple seconds to respond.

“i love you, too. if you’re going to remember one thing, let it be that.”