#but like. damn. in a few years i will not have to do that anymore. that's such a nice thought
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The Gray Reunion
Vi x reader
Words: 1.5k
Warnings: Violence, mentions of illness, blood, slightly spicy kisses ;)
Summary: In the midst of the chaos, you struggle to help the people of the Lanes. The truth behind the disaster sparks a confrontation that will test your bonds
Note:English is not my first language, sorry
In the past few hours, your modest apartment had turned into chaos. At least a dozen people had knocked on your door seeking help, intoxicated by something you hadn’t seen in years.
They could barely fit into the small living room, which also served as your kitchen and bedroom, waiting for you to help them, coughing out toxic fumes. Everyone expected you, just as your father had done in the past, to help or offer a solution, but you were completely lost, fumbling with medical supplies that had been stored away for years.
"The gray," murmured an older woman who was holding her husband as he struggled to breathe.
"That’s impossible," you replied. "We haven’t had problems with that in years, the ventilation system..."
"Then there must be a leak," she interrupted, raising her voice before a violent cough cut her off. You watched as her hand was splattered with blood. She inhaled deeply before continuing, "I’ve been through this before, but we don’t have the years on us anymore. Your father treated it countless times. Doesn’t he have notes somewhere?"
You sighed in defeat. "I’ve lost most of Dad’s things over the years. All I have left is what you see." You placed the stethoscope on a child’s back to listen to his breathing. "There’s nothing I can do. We just have to wait for the lungs to clean themselves... and stay far from the leak."
A collective groan arose from the people packed into your small space. "And how are we supposed to do that? We live there! Where can we go?" Various complaints began to rise.
"I wish I had an answer for you, but I don’t. We just have to wait until they repair the leak."
"They’re not going to fix it! It’s those damn enforcers! They’re killing us to get to Jinx!" Another wave of murmurs rippled through the room.
You tried to remain calm. Could that be true? Were the people above really capable of poisoning everyone just to catch Jinx? Those above had taken so much from you already that it seemed entirely plausible. But then an image came to mind—Violet. She was in Piltover now, and she would never let this happen, not to the place that had been her home for so many years and still was yours. Right?
You continued your work, trying to calm the rebellion brewing in your living room, tending to the most severe cases of nosebleeds and eye hemorrhages. But there wasn’t much more you could do. Around three in the morning, the last person finally left.
Exhausted, you collapsed onto your bed, utterly defeated. Chances were, all the patients you’d seen today would return tomorrow with new symptoms. It was impossible to recover from the gray while constantly exposed to it. You knew that if it was a crack, it would take years to fix. And if it was intentional, if they were hunting Jinx... that would also take time. There was no way they’d catch her.
A knock on the door kept you from falling completely asleep. You cursed under your breath—new patients. Your father’s voice echoed in your mind, reminding you how he wouldn’t rest until he’d helped the last person who needed him. You repeated the phrase to yourself before getting up to answer the door, only to be met with a great surprise.
Vi stood there, but the most shocking thing was her outfit. She was dressed as a full-fledged officer, an enforcer. You couldn’t suppress a gasp of utter disbelief. You had spent years of your life together; you knew her story as well as your own, and never would you have imagined the possibility of her wearing something like that—not even as a joke.
"I’m truly surprised," you murmured. She scoffed in irritation. You stepped aside to let her in, and she dropped her new, heavy gloves onto your floor. You bit your lip to keep from scolding her.
The past few days had been madness: Vi’s return, the search for Jinx, and your responsibilities trying to honor your father’s legacy had left you with barely a moment to breathe.
"Lots of patients?" she asked, trying to start a conversation.
"Too many," you replied, collapsing onto the bed again. She still stood awkwardly in the middle of the room. "You can lie down if you want... Unless you’re scared of dirtying that pretty uniform." She let out a short laugh before lying down next to you.
"I’ve barely seen you since you came back... I don’t think I ever got to tell you how happy I am that you’re here... Despite everything."
"Yeah, I suppose the first hug you gave me said it all."
"I mean it, Vi," you said, turning to face her. "Everything got so hard, but now you’re here, and I feel like things will get better."
She smiled faintly. "Yeah, we just have to fix a few things, and everything will improve." She propped herself up to sit beside you. "You look really pretty," she added. "Those dark circles suit you."
You couldn’t help but laugh. For just a moment, all the bad things disappeared. It was just the two of you in your small apartment—no Jinx, no gray, no problems in the Lanes. Just you two. Without thinking, you leaned in and pressed a quick kiss to her lips. She froze for a moment.
"I thought you missed me," she teased.
"I did."
"That’s not a reunion kiss. This is." Without warning, she leaned over and kissed you deeply. You welcomed her eagerly—it was like a breath of fresh air, something rare where you’d grown up. The kisses grew more intense, and your hands wandered over her torso and back. Vi positioned herself on top of you, using her hand for support on your pillow. But she quickly pulled it back.
"What’s this?" she asked.
You looked to the side, confused, and saw a large bloodstain. You hadn’t even noticed it. You sighed. "I’m really sorry." You sat up slightly, but Vi didn’t move off you. You grabbed the pillow and threw it to the other side of the room. "It’s been such a complicated day with the ventilation cracks."
"Yeah, don’t worry. I’m not at my best, either."
"Doesn’t seem like it." You kissed her intensely again, and she adjusted immediately.
"When all this is over, we should go on a real date. Like dinner and all that cheesy stuff."
You laughed against her lips at her failed attempt at romance. "I just hope it’s soon."
"It will be," she declared confidently. "Once they catch Jinx, everything will get better, and life in the Lanes will change—just like Vander always wanted."
Vi’s hands slipped under your shirt as you shared another passionate kiss, but her words lingered in your mind.
"Wait, wait, no," you said, pushing her slightly so she moved off you.
"Oh, do you want to take control, doll?" she teased.
"Did you have anything to do with this?" She looked confused, so you pushed her again to sit beside you. "The gas? Was it you?"
Vi stayed silent, hesitant to answer.
"Is this some kind of joke? You’re poisoning us just to catch your sister?" you shouted, furious.
"Hey, hey, it’s not like that... I mean, yes, but not how you think."
"You bitch," you spat, jumping out of bed. "Do you even understand the damage you’ve caused?"
"Listen to me. We used the gray to clear the streets, to keep people safe," she tried to explain.
"Used? Who’s ‘we’? You and your new enforcer friends? Well, you didn’t protect anyone!" You exploded. "Do you have any idea how many people you hurt? At least fifty came here today!"
"She’s a murderer! She killed half the council, she—"
"She’s not a traitor," you cut her off sharply.
The room fell silent as you watched Vi clench her fists in anger. You’d struck a nerve.
"Did you really do this for her? Or did your new enforcer friend convince you?" you spat, unable to hide your disgust.
"Don’t call her that!" Vi’s hands grabbed the collar of your shirt, pushing you against the wall.
You stayed inches apart for what felt like ten seconds before she let go, though she didn’t step back. Her heavy breathing mixed with yours, and you could smell the perfume from her uniform—a scent impossible to find down here.
"Get out of my house," you whispered.
"You have to understand—"
"Get out!"
Vi sighed loudly, grabbed her heavy gloves from the floor, and walked to the door. You opened it for her, stepping aside. She crossed the threshold without meeting your gaze but stopped in the doorway.
"I hope your new friend is worth it." She didn’t turn around, just kept walking down the dark street, away from your home.
You couldn’t stop the tears from falling.
What had you expected? Nothing had stayed the same over the years.
You locked the door before collapsing into bed. Tomorrow would be another hard day in the Lanes.
#arcane netflix#arcane series#league of legends#league of leguends#vi arcane#arcane lol#arcane league of legends#arcane x reader#arcane#vi x reader#vi x you#vi x y/n#the grey#arcane s2#arcane season 2 spoilers#arcane season 2#arcane s2 spoilers#arcane season two
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Starrk time travels with Ichigo to TBTP is everything I never knew I needed! The pain of surviving again, of still being too strong to die- to give up and rest with Shunsui is chef’s kiss beautiful.
I have questions, ideas, thoughts- feel free to ignore any of them lol. First is do you think Hollows/Arrancars have pack instincts/pack bonds. I can imagine the horrible aching emptiness of reaching for friends and family who aren’t there anymore. Pack is forever, should be forever- but now they have to go on looking in the faces of people who loved them once and see nothing in their eyes. No pack bond or instincts that used to link them.
Second is do you think Starrk and Ichigo would eventually start napping together once they settle in a bit more? Starrk might be able to control it now, but I feel like there would be something reassuring about the fact that Ichigo could take it, wouldn’t buckle under the pressure. And then there’s the fact they’re the only ones who know, who understand the weight of it all.
Third is do you have an idea of who you’d ship Ichigo with in this au? I myself am partial to Koyonagi, but I can also see Shinji noticing something off and prowling around like the big cat he pretends he isn’t to investigate. I also imagine that not a few people would assume Starrk and Ichigo are in a relationship lol.
Lastly is I think it would be really interesting if Starrk and Ichigo ended up in the same division, especially since the draw to join the Eighth would be even more tempting. Do you think they’d stick together or try to spread out to be able to investigate/access more.
Thank you, I'm glad you liked it! And I haven't even gotten to the ShunStarrk parts yet but the prospect of it is incentive to write more lmao.
This got a bit long so I'll shove it under the cut:
1) I haven't thought much on this particular aspect of Hollows, although I do see it around a lot, it seems a pretty common headcanon. I def do think they have pack instincts, because even in canon you see Harribel and Grimmjow and others forming "packs" but idk if I'd go all the way to pack bonds. For me it would prob depend on where I want to take that particular fic. In this AU, I imagine Hollows do have pack instincts (again, that's basically canon) and Hollows in general are more sensitive to the reiatsu of pack members, but Starrk's gone so long without them that he's used to the pain of not having anyone. Plus he's like part wolf so I think that makes it worse, but after a thousand years he's probably numb to it. Then of course he got Shunsui for a while, and I imagine he kind of adopted the Fourth as his own and probably a few other Shinigami he'd grown close to, and now all of them are gone. He's in the same situation as Ichigo and grieving that loss, but it prob also feels physically worse for him. He knows what it's like to have pack now, and then he loses them all, and yeah he can sense Shunsui's reiatsu signature halfway across the Seireitei, and half the Fourth is a comfortable bubble at the edge of his awareness, but at the same time, they're not the same and his instincts can tell that too, so it's basically just a constant reminder of everything he no longer has. But he has a thousand years of experience at ignoring this sort of thing, and it's easy to fall back on it, he has to fall back on it because it's not like he can do anything about it anyway. His people, his pack, are gone, and like all the other things he was never able to change over the course of his long life, he can only resign himself to it and shoulder it as best he can.
But Shunsui in particular is a relentless ache in his chest, at the back of his mind, in the pulse of his very reiatsu, like pressure on a bruise on the days he can force himself to ignore it, like a gushing wound when he can't. It's still okay when he's at the Academy and doesn't actually have to see the man. Then Ichigo goes and picks up a stray who just so happens to be Shunsui's family, damn you too Mimihagi may you suffer from carpal tunnel for the rest of eternity, and because his luck has never been what anyone would call good, Starrk's practically expecting it the first time Ichigo awkwardly pesters him into joining their tutoring sessions behind the Eighth Division compound because Ichigo's excellent at Shunpou but he's never quite managed Yoruichi's flawless execution of it, and even before they'd become allies, Starrk's Sonido had been her equivalent, which had seamlessly translated over to Hohou once he'd gained the ability to learn it. Fujiwara's decent enough at it for an Academy student, but still far too slow for Ichigo's liking and also stupidly clumsy and Ichigo can't for the life of him figure out why, so can Starrk please come take a look and see if he can spot the problem or just tell him that there is no problem and all Academy students are just hopeless like this. Starrk wants to say no, but for all that Ichigo gets irritated with his own family for not being able to take no for an answer, the kid himself is actually no better than them, he's just a little more self-conscious about it, but the family resemblance is definitely there beyond just the appearance. Repeatedly refusing would take energy Starrk doesn't have, and he supposes it's nice too to see Ichigo starting to make friends again in this time period, starting to look past his grief. Starrk knows if he really puts his foot down, Ichigo will back off, but he doesn't want to set the kid back in case Ichigo gets the idea to also return to being a perpetual shut-in just because Starrk is, and if that means indulging Ichigo's whims, then so be it. He'd been sent back to serve as babysitter anyway so he may as well do the whole thing properly. And because his luck is just like that, the first time he goes, he finds that Ichigo has already somehow managed to lure his nosy Shiba cousin, his cousin's captain, and the Eighth Division captain Starrk's Shinigami but no he isn't not really not anymore never again to the training grounds even though it's the middle of the afternoon and they should all be at work. At least, judging by the disgruntled expression on Ichigo's face, this hadn't been Ichigo's idea of a good time either. Familiar grey eyes meet his from across the clearing, and for a moment, Starrk is certain someone's ripped his heart out again, leaving only an empty gaping hole in its wake once more, but a thousand times worse than it had ever felt when he'd still been just a Hollow and had never known anything else.
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2) Honestly Ichigo already spends like 70% of his time in Starrk's room, his own is there just to gather dust and like fake out Kaien cuz the guy either hasn't thought to or at least still has enough manners to refrain from invading Starrk's room too (for now). So like two weeks into the Academy and Ichigo spending five days out of seven crashing on Starrk's floor, Starrk just gives up and goes out to buy an extra futon (and even more pillows because he's a pillow fiend and you can never have too many in his opinion) and Ichigo basically moves in after that. It's definitely comforting for both of them to have the other close by, especially Ichigo because his reikaku abilities are still hit or miss some days. Starrk can relax because his control hasn't been anything less than perfect since his Aizen days but occasionally he still worries about slipping up, except Ichigo is one of the few who can bear the brunt of it so it wouldn't matter even if he does. And Ichigo can relax because he's never really been one for subterfuge, it's actually killing him a little that he can't just bust out his Bankai and either beat Aizen to death or beat some sense into him over the skies of Soul Society like the good old days, but there's nothing he has to hide from Starrk, and Starrk's one of the ones - the only one left now - who's seen Ichigo at his very worst, and likewise it would take a lot of conscious effort on his part to actually hurt Starrk. Lashing out in the midst of a nightmare would wake Starrk but otherwise wouldn't even make him blink.
They can lower their guard around each other in a way they can't anywhere else outside of their room, and with Starrk's habit of carpeting most of the floor with soft things to sleep on, it's only natural to go to sleep next to each other and wake up - in the middle of the night or in the early morning when dawn hasn't even broken yet because it's easier to stare at the ceiling than spend another minute dreaming of faces they'll never truly see again - the same way. Neither of them really moves much when unconscious, and their instincts mark each other as safe, so these days, they sleep best in each other's company.
(This aches too though, sometimes, even though Starrk won't ever voice such a thing out loud. But sleeping with someone else beside him, even when they don't touch beyond an accidental brush of shoulders or a nightmare-fueled flail of a limb digging into his gut, reminds him of another warm body he'd spent close to a decade sleeping beside, half-draped over him or plastered against his back or letting him curl around them in return. It's another thing he'll never have again, but that's hardly Ichigo's fault, and he knows the kid doesn't do well alone either - who in this world does? - so Starrk's hardly going to say anything that would definitely chase Ichigo away because the kid's stupid like that. He locks the sense-memories behind his teeth instead, even when it keeps him up all night or wakes him in the morning just to make him feel like shit all over again when he remembers where and when he is. And it's not always bad. In this era, Ichigo is the only truly familiar thing that doesn't make Starrk's instincts bristle, which means he can sleep more deeply than he would allow himself anywhere else, and that's a comfort in and of itself.)
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3) This I actually don't know, even in SP I don't really have a ship for Ichigo. But ship candidates are a dime a dozen for him lol. Kisuke's always my go-to for him but I guess he hasn't really been that prominent, although I can def steer things that way. I've written a few KoyoIchi so that's def also a possibility. Shinji is equally likely, and if they could give past!Aizen future!Aizen's memories, I could even pull off AiIchi, although if they could do that, I'd just do the same with Shunsui and then we would have less angst lmao. And it might be weird but I'm not opposed to Ichigo/Asuka but in a platonic neither of us are interested in other ppl and don't want to be bothered by marriage offers so let's just get engaged and it'll even be good for clan politics close friends sort of way. They might develop feelings for each other sometime down the road, but arranged marriage AU would be how it would start (this is actually a wip idea I've had for a long time that I've just never written). Also I just feel like Starrk would be vaguely amused by how they both got attached to Kyourakus (or Kyouraku-adjacent I guess), like what is it about that family 😂 But yeah nothing really concrete yet. Ppl might assume that Starrk and Ichigo are a thing because Ichigo doesn't hang out with anyone else at first, and Starrk basically only leaves school grounds to accompany Ichigo somewhere, but I imagine that would clear up after like thirty minutes of watching them interact, esp once Rangiku and Asuka and Gin are more permanent fixtures in their group and Starrk's just trailing after them like a long-suffering dad, the generational gap would be pretty obvious.
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4) Oh man I've definitely thought about this. So unlike SP where Ichigo's like It Is My Duty To Go To The Fifth Just To Keep An Eye On Aizen's Shenanigans Even If That Means Self-Inflicted Emotional Torture The Entire Time, Starrk puts a stop to that nonsense in this AU. He doesn't actually care where Ichigo wants to go, Ichigo can take care of himself even if Aizen breaks cover and goes all traitor on them a hundred years early, and he's not here to tell the kid what to do anyway, but when Ichigo's waffling between the Eighth or the Fifth, and it becomes pretty fucking clear that he only wants to go to the Fifth because he thinks he has to, because there's no other way to keep track of Aizen, and he starts getting tunnel vision the way he does when he's brooding and obsessing over protecting people, that's when Starrk steps in.
"It's one thing if you want to go because you want to," Starrk says, watching the kid pace their room like a caged tiger. "But I don't think you do, not with the way you behave around Hirako. Besides, are you even going to be able to get anything done when you'll be constantly stressed out by being so close to Aizen?" He pauses, then adds with a ghost of a smile, "And then there's the fact that you're a really bad liar."
Ichigo swings around to splutter indignantly at him. "I am not! I can lie!"
Starrk shrugs. "Good enough to fool Hirako and Aizen when they'll be right there observing you up close every single day?"
Ichigo opens his mouth, then closes it again. Good, at least he's self-aware.
Starrk lets him think it over for a moment, tracking the conflicted shift of emotions across Ichigo's face - and he wants to play spy in front of the likes of Aizen like this? - before continuing quietly, "This is it, you know."
Ichigo blinks at him, thrown by the non-sequitur.
Starrk sighs and leans back against the windowsill at his back, slanting his gaze to the sky outside, winter-pale but clear. "What we're doing--it isn't a job with an end date. We don't get to go back home once we're done. There's no home to go back to."
In his peripheral, Ichigo is suddenly very still.
"This is it," Starrk repeats without taking his eyes off the distant horizon. "And you gain nothing from focusing all your energy on one man who won't even be showing his hand anytime soon. If anything, finding out you're suspicious of him will only move up his timeline or cause him to do something drastic, and then we might not be able to predict him at all. And that's not even getting into what the Quincy might do if you show your hand too soon, with or without their king. But even that's beside the point."
He turns back to Ichigo, taking in the weary grief in the furrow of his brow and the bitter curve of his mouth, and he knows Ichigo already understands. Still, he finishes as gently as he knows how, "This is where we live now, and maybe it isn't home yet, but maybe it's time to start thinking about what it will take to make it one. How do you want to live, Ichigo? Once everything is over, what kind of life will you have built for yourself by then? Or will you let Aizen dictate that too?"
A minute flinch ripples across Ichigo's shoulders. Starrk presses on, as ruthless as he'd learned from Aizen, from Shunsui even more. "Will you let him hound you all the way to your final grave? Or will you let Yhwach do it again? Your mother died to save you. Your friends died protecting you. Is their love for you only worth yet another suicide run at a bunch of madmen and would-be-gods? Do you think that this was all you were worth to them?"
Ichigo flinches again, and for a split second, his expression scrunches like he wants to take a swing at Starrk.
Starrk waits him out, because Ichigo isn't an idiot, but sometimes, it's like he just can't understand certain things without them being spelled out for him. And some things, Starrk thinks, should be heard, should be said.
He wonders if anyone's ever told this kid that he's allowed to live for himself too.
(He also wonders how much of a hypocrite every word coming out of his mouth right now is going to make him in the future.
But it's different, with Ichigo. Starrk is over a thousand years old. At this point, going to his grave isn't a big deal. But Ichigo hasn't even reached three decades, and he's spent a solid ten of those years on one battlefield or another. If one of them has to die at the end of all this, it definitely shouldn't be Ichigo.
This kid needs to learn how to live. There's no time like the present to start, and if that means Starrk has to hit where it hurts, well, infections must be lanced sooner or later.)
At last, Ichigo's shoulders slump, and he deflates like a balloon, anger and hurt deserting him, leaving only exhaustion in their wake.
"Sometimes, you sound so much like Kyouraku-san it's scary," Ichigo informs him, flopping bonelessly onto a nearby pile of pillows.
Starrk says nothing. If that had been meant to hurt, well, he probably deserves it.
"Aizen does need to be watched," Ichigo persists, but he sounds almost relieved at the possibility that he won't have to be the one to do it.
Starrk grunts dismissively. "I can sense him from here. I know when he's in his office, and when he leaves a double and takes off for Rukongai. I think that's enough for now."
Ichigo's eyebrows shoot up in surprise. "His hypnosis isn't affecting you?"
Starrk tips a glance at him. "The soul remembers. It doesn't affect you either, does it?"
"That's true," Ichigo concedes. "But wait, did he never show you his Shikai? Or you touched his blade somehow?"
"My reiatsu ate it," Starrk summarizes succinctly, then clarifies with a flicker of exasperation at the wide-eyed look he gets, "His hypnosis, not his blade. He never put much effort into hypnotizing the Espada, just enough to make sure we'd obey without too much fuss. And when it comes down to it, even Zanpakutou abilities is just reiatsu cast in a specific shape. It was easy enough to get rid of it after I was whole again."
He thinks of Lilynette and breathes through that particular ache, old now, more scar than open wound, but there all the same.
Ichigo makes a comprehending sound. "That's pretty handy. Can your reiatsu eat it if it's cast on someone else?"
Starrk nods. He'd done as much for Shunsui, and a few others as necessary. Aizen had never been able to affect the Captain-Commander again after he'd been let out of Muken. And for all that they'd been nominally on the same side, Aizen had actually tried a few times. Starrk thinks he'd probably just wanted to see if he could, because after each attempt, he'd turn and look at Starrk with something like amusement and something like contempt.
(Once, he'd remarked in private that Starrk certainly had a preference for kneeling at the feet of Shinigami masters, and he'd asked what made Shunsui the better one to serve, if perhaps he also should've forced Starrk to spread his legs for him, if that would've succeeded in breaking Starrk further, in making him even more eager to please, as much as Shunsui had clearly accomplished with him.
Shunsui had overheard. On hindsight, Starrk's fairly certain Aizen had wanted him to, had waited for him to get close enough to hear everything, though for what purpose even Starrk hadn't been able to figure out, because the resulting confrontation hadn't been pretty. It'd been one of the few times Starrk had seen his Shinigami lose his temper, his wrath a silent deadly creature no one would expect, and in that moment, the shadows around them had almost devoured Aizen whole. They'd certainly left their mark in the aftermath, Aizen's flesh cracked open with scars as black as the void. Even then, Starrk doesn't think Aizen had truly been intimidated, but he'd also never said another word of the sort to Starrk ever again.)
"I'd have to get closer to detect his more intricate workings," Starrk admits. "But I think between that and being able to sense him, it's enough of a safeguard without needing to join the Fifth as well. There isn't much of a point to that anyway. It's not like we don't already have a general idea of what he's doing, or where he's doing it. He isn't the sort to leave evidence lying around either so I doubt you'd be able to gather any."
He glances at Ichigo again, finally letting himself relax when he sees the kid nodding along, albeit with a rather grumpy expression.
"For now," Starrk concludes. "It's best to establish our presence here in this time, make connections, make allies, and eventually make sure we have enough people on our side to tip the scales in our favour. Aizen is one thing, but even the two of us can't take down the entire Wandenreich on our own. When the time comes, there must be people willing to believe us even without concrete proof of the Quincy's existence."
He catches Ichigo's eye, intent to get this point across, if nothing else. "No matter how powerful, there is only so much one can do alone. And you are not alone, Ichigo."
Ichigo's face crumples a little, and for a half a heartbeat, Starrk is terrified he's about to cry. Thankfully, that doesn't happen, and a moment later, Ichigo nods, his eyes a little brighter now, his shoulders a little less weighed down.
"Okay," Ichigo says decisively. "Then… I think I want to go to the Eighth." He smiles a bit wryly. "You're both bastards, but somehow, I like that about you guys. And if it's Kyouraku-san, it wouldn't be hard to work under his command."
He stops and grows more solemn, his gaze a little too sympathetic this time. "Will you join the Eighth too?"
"No," Starrk doesn't hesitate. He's already thought about it, had already made up his mind months ago, even before he'd met Shunsui again. His answer had only cemented further after meeting him. Besides, "I'm going to the Fourth."
He thinks of the agreement he'd hashed out with Mimihagi. He thinks of one of the things that had immediately come to mind when time travel of all things had been proposed to him. He thinks of the things he can do, the things he can create.
He thinks of the life he'd bargained for.
"Back in our time," Starrk only says in the end, meeting Ichigo's gaze calmly. "I was told by everyone who knew her that Unohana-taichou was the best healer in living memory. Now she is alive again, so that's what I want. I want to learn from her."
Ichigo snickers, oblivious. "Well, you are a huge medical nerd so I should've known. So long as you're happy I guess. Try not to take over the division again within the year. I wouldn't bet on your odds against Unohana-san."
Starrk rolls his eyes because honestly Kotetsu had practically gift-wrapped her division for him, he hadn't meant to take over, he hadn't even been a halfway respectable healer at the time, he'd just been strong, with the manpower to support the actual healers, and apparently, that'd been enough. He'd been horrified when Shunsui had sided with them.
Ichigo laughs outright, Starrk shakes his head, and with their choices made, the future begins to take shape once more.
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Taking What’s His
-chapter 1
—-warning for Adam x Lucifer smut -
—-a commission I bought from @libby-for-life for my birthday. The art pieces by @sir-tater-of-the-tot!
Adam was mad beyond belief. About two weeks ago, he had gone to sleep in Heaven after a long night of drinking. The next day, he had somehow woke up in Eden. At first, he thought it was a pleasant dream. Then he saw Lilith and thought it was a nightmare.
He hadn't dreamt of Lilith in years and she was just as distant and cold as she always was. Adam ignored her this time as well; he was dreaming, so why not? He spent most of the time by himself.
Until he accidentally hurt himself. Seeing the red blood drip onto the emerald-green grass made Adam's heart skip a beat. No...you couldn't get hurt in dreams...
He had a full-blown panic attack right then and there. His breathing was so erratic he almost passed out. This was real. This wasn't a dream. He was really back in Eden, and somehow, he was no longer an angel in Heaven.
What kind of bullshit was this?!
He decided he wanted nothing to do with Lucifer or Lilith. Let them play out their fantasy but leave him out of it. He did everything to avoid them. He also knew how much Lucifer wanted to talk to him. He knew exactly what it was going to be about and he was not going to be offered anything.
So he avoided him until he couldn't anymore. Lucifer finally found him and he had the biggest smile as he tried to give him Forbidden Fruit. He could even see some of the black on his wrists. Couldn't he see how he was poisoning himself and how wanted to do the same to Adam?!
Adam couldn't help it. All the patience he had for this shit stain was coming to a head and he couldn't help but growl.
Lucifer flinched. "Adam?"
It was sudden, and Adam honestly should have thought it out, but he was far too angry. He grabbed the little angel by the throat and slammed him to the floor. Lucifer coughed in surprise; there was no way Adam could actually hurt him and knelt before the smaller creature.
"Damn you, little shit!" Adam cried out as he forced the robe Lucifer was wearing over his crotch. Adam smirked as Lucifer blushed in surprise and embarrassment when he noticed Adam looking at his privates. It was so small compared to Adam's, and he couldn't help but flick it harshly.
"I'll teach you to try and trick me!"
"Wah! Adam!" Lucifer cried as he was spread, hands gripping his thighs so Adam could see what he was working with.
"You need to be taught a lesson."
Lucifer's eyes widened when he saw just how big Adam was compared to him. And now, with it fully erect, he could see just how truly big he was. Adam...couldn't be putting that in him...right?
But Adam was grinning in a way that made Lucifer shiver. He had never seen the First Man like this. What happened to the Adam who was innocent and sweet? This Adam was grinning feral-like at him and it was causing Lucifer to blush.
"Okay, bitch. You're only getting a little prep. More than you deserve."
Prep? What? Lucifer squeaked when Adam spit onto his hole before two fingers entered him. It was tight and Lucifer squirmed in discomfort.
Now, Lucifer did have the power to throw him off if he needed to but...the Archangel wanted, no, needed, to see where this goes. Adam stretched him for a few minutes before growling, "times up, bitch. Bark for me." Lucifer howled when Adam entered him at a brutal pace but not out of pain.
It was one of pleasure. Pleasure he hadn't known even with Lilith. He cried in ecstasy as Adam pounded into him, smirking all the while.
"Adam! P-please! S-slow down!" He cried, not wanting to finish so early. But Adam was on a roll and he would not be deterred. "Take what I give you, bitch!"
They did this several times in several positions, and each time Lucifer felt more full and satisfied. Adam picked him up after their fourth romp and shook his face a little. "Still with me?" Adam taunted. Lucifer nodded lazily. "Yes, Adam...."
"Call me Master," Adam practically purred with the biggest smirk. Lucifer didn't know why but he repeated it without question. "Yes, Master..."
Lucifer was suddenly brought to his knees, Adam's still leaking dick brought to his face. Lucifer didn't know what he wanted for a second until the head of his appendage was wiped all over his lips. "Open wide, slut." Lucifer didn't know that word but it sounded degrading and Lucifer shivered in pleasure.
Lucifer opened his mouth obediently and Adam shoved his way inside roughly, making him moan. Adam was so rough and dominant...he couldn't help but love it. Lilith could be dominant of course but this was nothing she had ever done. She had nothing on Adam.
I'm not going back to Heaven, am I?
Lucifer thought as he was throat fucked, his eyes rolling as he felt Adam go deeper until his nose was brushing Adam's crotch.
He didn't care. Not if Adam gave him this all the time. He would gladly give his halo up for this. Suddenly, Adam ripped the long thick appendage from his throat and Lucifer whined at the loss.
The First Man chuckled. "Hold still." And Lucifer yelped as his face was covered in Adam's release. He blinked, whimpering a bit as he looked at Adam with tears in his eyes. He gasped as the First Man looked at him, his eyes holding a soft look that he remembered so clearly...
"Hm...looking cute, my pretty duck." Lucifer blushed heavily, Adam's semen dripping off his face and out of his ass. The First Man picked up the fruit that Lucifer had tried offering him and then picked up the angel by his robe.
"Find some other sucker to trick, Ducky." And then he placed the fruit into Lucifer's mouth, making sure he bit down. Lucifer was dropped onto the floor and the First Man left with a laugh.
Lucifer still felt dazed, the fruit spat out as he shakily got to his feet. He should clean the semen out of his ass but...he somehow didn't want to. He wobbled away and out of the Garden, towards Lilith but he only had one thing on his mind now that no one could possibly satisfy.
Lilith was horrified at his state, his arms, hands, and legs now a dark black. "What happened?!" Lucifer could only smile in a daze as he looked at Lilith. How can he explain perfection without sounding mad?
Lilith fingered the bite mark on Lucifer's neck...what had happened? Did they fight? Then she saw the dry semen on his legs and she realized what happened. Lucifer didn't seem hurt...he seemed satisfied. More than anything they had ever done when they mated.
The next few dozen suns that passed only made Lucifer's newfound obsession set in deeper. He needed Adam like he breathed air. And he began to stalk him for long hours, just to get a glimpse of him.
Finding new ways to see Adam was hard. Especially since it was clear he kept avoiding him. But that didn't stop him from trying.
When he finally caught Adam it was by surprise as he was bathing. The First Man jumped when he felt something hug his torso in a death grip. Turing around with a scowl, he glared down at Lucifer as he held on with the biggest grin on his face.
"Are you fucking serious? Let go!" Adam demanded but Lucifer was determined. "Please, Adam! Don't leave! Can't we do what did last time?! Can't we mate?! I promise I'll be good!" Lucifer begged, his eyes big and bright but the grip on Adam was unrelenting.
Adam blinked, tilting his head before realization brought a slow smirk across his face. He grabbed Lucifer by the hair and brought him closer. "So...you need Master again, hm?" Lucifer's eyes closed and he nodded, gold staining his cheeks.
"Let go and we can have a quickie since you're so desperate."
Adam was true to his word. The First Man had other stuff to do and fucking the angel into a purring mess certainly hadn’t been on that list. But he'd be lying if he wasn't tempted to fuck THE Lucifer Morningstar into his place again.
He was fast and rough, just how the angel wanted. Lucifer moaned, high and needy as he ripped grass at the roots from how hard he was clenching the ground. Adam only grinned and slapped his ass.
He finished their romp with Adam cumming inside Lucifer three times while the angel could only sob his name. After, Adam sat back and admired Lucifer's gold, bruised and dripping ass, finding he didn’t mind in admitting to himself just how much he’d enjoyed it. The black markings on Lucifer’s hands, starting from plucking the forbidden fruit, had already spread to his wrists.
Lucifer didn't even seem to notice nor care as the inky blackness tainted more and more of his white skin.
Adam honestly didn't care either. So what if Lucifer's body was falling into corruption? That's not his problem. He left Lucifer to clean himself up.
Adam knew he should have cut it off. Left whatever they had going on that day die by the lake he was bathing in. But...he couldn't. Lucifer kept coming back for more and he was persistent in what he wanted. Sex from the Dick Master himself.
Adam should have been flattered, and some part of him was since he was sticking it to Lilith, but another part was concerned. Just slightly. Every time they had sex...Lucifer kept looking worse and worse. His once angelic appearance turning into something dark and twisted. Demonic.
What really hit the nail on the head was when the small idiot was giving him a blow job. He was smiling in that soft silly way that made Adam know he was stuck in his own head space. He looked cute getting drunk off his must and pre-cum. But what really had his attention was the little tips poking out of Lucifer’s forehead. It didn't take a genius to know it was horns.
And it looked painful, ripping through his skin and little beads of angelic blood dripping and staining his hair. Lucifer seemed blissfully uncaring of this, happy to drink up Adam's cum as he came in his mouth.
That's when he started noticing other differences as well. His once slender fingers looked like claws, leaving deep grooves in the ground. His moans sounded...demonic. and his feathers. His beautiful blue feathers looked like they were falling out and growing new red ones in it's place.
When they were done, Lucifer wobbled away. Some of it was because he had been on his knees for over an hour, but the way he walked...like he had broken legs.
Adam knew he had to quit what they were doing. As much as he told himself that he didn't care...a small part of him did. A small part that didn't want to see such a painfull-looking transformation happen right in front of him.
Adam was done. This wasn't fun anymore. And good thing too...they were making him his wife. Adam was a lot of things but unfaithful wasn't one of them.
——
Next:
#adamsapple#guitarduck#adam x lucifer#lucifer x adam#hazbin hotel#by sir tater of the tots commission#commission by libby#Corrupted lucifer#Adam mentally returns to Eden#Eden adam#playing with fire
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Hot for Teacher(s) epilogue
Previously
"Do you think I'll make a good father?"
Steve looked up from his laptop at the question. Eddie was staring at the calendar on the kitchen wall, arms crossed. He turned his gaze to Steve when he took too long to answer.
"I don't know how to break it to you, but you already are a father. And a damn fine one at that."
"Well, Shawn's easy, you already did most of the training."
Steve snorted. "He hasn't even hit double digits yet. There's still plenty more training to go. And take it from someone who works at Puberty Central, it gets rough."
Eddie came behind Steve and leaned over to hug him from behind. "You think infants are easier than teens?"
"I think every age group has a unique set of challenges", Steve said.
"Spoken like a true educator."
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Steve sighed as he finished turning down his room. Wrapping things up for summer always made him a little melancholy. But now that he was two months pregnant, there was an extra layer to it. Next year, he wouldn't be able to do this. If he was pushing it, he could stay in class until winter break. That might be too much for his body though.
He leaned back to crack his spine and put a hand to his belly. He was barely showing. It was possible to see a slight roundness from under his shirt though.
"Wait... you're pregnant?!"
"Dustin, why are you still here?", Steve tried to sound firm but he feared it may have come out as adoring. The few kids who had actually come on the last day of school were supposed to be in the auditorium, watching a movie.
"Mr. Clarke's letting us poach some stuff from his room he doesn't need anymore."
Ah, as Mr. Clarke usually did. Steve didn't even need him to clarify which 'us' Dustin meant. He had a crew he was pretty loyal to.
"Yes, Mr. Henderson. I'm pregnant."
"Does that mean you're not gonna teach us next year?"
Steve smiled at him. "It was already in the cards bud, I don't teach eighth grade."
"Yeah but I mean, you won't be here?"
He could sense the frustration in Dustin's voice and knew change could be hard. End of year always seemed to bring on big emotions, even if it was just moving from seventh to eight grade.
"I'll be here at the beginning of the year. But I'll have to get ready for this little scholar before you know it. And then there was the leave he got after having the pup. Still, their little bean was due in January, so Steve was sure he and Eddie could figure something out so that Steve didn't have to go too long without teaching while still getting some bonding time with his pup.
"You could've talked it over with your students first. I mean this seems like a pack decision", Dustin said, arms crossed.
"Sure kid. The next time I decide to have a pup, I'll run it through my students first."
"That's all I'm asking", Dustin said just as quick footsteps stopped to a skid and suddenly there wasn't one but a whole group of students in his doorway.
"Mr. H is pregnant?!"
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Steve was fanning himself. It was July and he was trying to stand the heat for as long as he could, but it was getting to be too much. He turned to Eddie to complain to a sympathetic ear, only to see his mate looking at him with the most adoring expression.
"What?"
"You're glowing!", he gushed.
"I don't feel like it."
"Sweetheart, we can always head back inside. You don't have to fight the sun."
"I'm gonna be too big to feel like moving before we know it. Get ready to carry me everywhere", Steve said in a tone that suggested it was both a promise and a threat.
Eddie compromised by bring Steve another ice cold lemonade. Shawn was having the time of his life playing with the other kids as the neighborhood block party went on. He deserved to revel in the summertime just as other kids.
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Hot summer days turned to warm summer nights and after a cold shower, Steve was ready to lounge in bed. And of course, be pampered by his mate. Eddie climbed in beside him and then slid down until he was face to face with Steve's bump. Eddie nuzzled it and kissed Steve all over.
It was hard to believe he was due in January. It felt like such a long wait and yet just around the corner.
"Have I told you lately how perfect you are?", Eddie asked.
"Are you talking to me or our little bean?"
"To you. And I think we can both agree she's a bit more than a bean now", Eddie said.
"'She'? You're taking Shawn's side now?"
"Gotta go with the winning hand. He was right about you and me. AND he knew how Charlotte's Web ended!"
Steve rolled his eyes. "Eddie, that movie is decades old. Plus you're the one who had a whole lesson on the life cycle of spiders."
"I'm keeping my stance. That boy knows what's comin'. And he knows you've got a little princess in there."
"If you say so", Steve chuckled.
"Which makes you a queen..."
"Mhm", Steve tried to look unaffected but his scent gave him away as Eddie removed his underwear. His body had taken on a slightly creamier scent. One that Eddie just couldn't get enough of. Especially at the source.
"And every queen needs a what?", Eddie prompted, pulling them both onto their sides, a position that was easiest, given how Steve was growing.
"Their throne", Steve finished, turning his head into his pillow as Eddie's mouth came upon him.
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Steve was pretty used to being on the parent side of parent-teacher conferences. But it was Eddie's first time on this end of the desk, so he was a little nervous. He knew the third grade teacher well enough. And so far, Shawn hadn't come home with any problems.
"It's nice to meet you, Mr. Harrington. And good to see you, Mr. Munson.
"Mr. Reed", Eddie nodded.
"I'll cut straight to the point so that Mr. Munson can get back to his own conferences. I was a bit surprised at one of Shawn's assignments."
He pulled something from Shawn's folder. A drawing of the three of them, Steve's belly big and round, Eddie's hair all over the place, and Shawn with a huge smile. It was labeled too. Except-
"It caught me off guard that one of last year's spelling be champs would misspell a word."
'Me' was written under Shawn. 'Dad' was under Steve. And written under the drawing of Eddie was 'Daddie'. Once they saw it though, both parents sagged in relief.
"It's something Shawn started doing recently", Steve began to explain. "He still calls me Daddy and when we started to grow our family, he decided he needed a way to differentiate between the two of us."
"So I was christened 'Daddie' with an -ie. It's mixed with my name and I think that's incredibly clever, don't you?", Eddie asked.
"Oh!", Mr. Reed said when he realized. "Well that's different. -ahem- Moving on..."
------------------------------
"So how did this one compare to the last?", Eddie asked, wiping sweat off of Steve's forehead.
"Ask me again when I don't hate you for what you've done to me", Steve said, still feeling plenty raw from pushing another human being out of himself.
He was feeling much better when his pup was cleaned and and returned to him. His heart swelled and he cooed, welcoming his pup into the world. Shawn and Eddie had been right. He'd given birth to a beautiful little girl. Eddie couldn't believe how lucky he was to have been there for Steve when Shawn was born and now again for his own pup. The two of them were given time to bond with their baby before Robin brought Shawn in.
His eyes got wide at the tiny bundle that was swaddled up in Steve's arms. Eddie got Shawn set up in a chair next to the bed and showed him how to hold a newborn before letting him hold her.
"Meet your sister", Steve beamed. "Stephanie Rose Harrington."
Shawn's head snapped up. "You used it for a middle name?!"
"It's a good name", Eddie said. "Pretty fitting for our little rosebud." He was already thinking of where to get a new tattoo to commemorate her birth.
Shawn looked back down at his baby sister. Her ruddy cheeks, how everything about her was impossibly small. She yawned and suddenly Shawn burst into tears, prompting both of his parents to worry.
"Shawn, what's wrong?", Steve asked.
It took a couple of sobs for Shawn to calm himself down enough to speak well enough for them to understand. "I don't-hic-I don't want anything to happen to her!"
And well, that made Steve start to cry because he understood. Eddie grabbed Stephanie and handed her over to Steve, then he gathered Shawn in a hug, picking him up off his feet.
"I promise with everything I am, nothing ever gonna happen to her. Or to you. Not ever again."
Shawn's arms went around his dad as he let it all out. Steve wiped his tears and Robin waited for them to put themselves together again before making them gather for a family photo. Steve knew Eddie would do everything he could to protect their family. It was every omega's dream for an alpha to devote themselves like that. But even more importantly, Steve knew the danger would never come from within their home. And that meant everything to him.
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Linking this bc I used a few prompts from here.
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Eddie and Brad bond over Brad having an estranged son. He tells Eddie the longer he stayed away the bigger the distance got and it’s his biggest regret. So Eddie decides to go to Texas to be with Chris and convince him to come back home. Buck and Eddie maybe fight about it, Buck offers to go but Eddie says no I gotta do this on my own. We get a parallel to Buck and Abby at the airport with Buck and Eddie and Buck is like you got this. Get your son back. I’ll be here waiting. Buck gets a feelings realization but doesn’t act on it and lets Eddie go.
So with 8x09 being the episode when we come back, it’s actually a flashback to what happened when Eddie went to Texas (which is why it was already filmed because it was supposed to take place right after 8x08.) Basically while Eddie is in Texas he talks with Chris and Chris is like I don’t want another mom ever. I don’t want you dating ever. No one can replace mom. All I need is you and Buck. And Eddie’s like well damn there goes my love life. But while he’s in Texas Buck keeps being brought up by Chris maybe even the parents like “yeah he sure talks about Buck a lot. You’re really lucky to have a best friend that treats Chris like his own.” And basically stuff starts clicking for eddie. Like oh Chris doesn’t want another mom. And he said Buck is enough. So wheels start turning for Eddie maybe he even talks to his dad about it. So basically while he’s in Texas for these few months he realizes his feelings for Buck. He tells Chris and Chris is like well duh. And Chris is probably estatic like thank god I never have to see you with a woman again. So then at the end of the episode he decides he’s going to go back to LA alone and tell Buck how he feels while Chris finishes the school year in Texas and then Chris will come back when it’s over.
So we think yay Buddie canon Eddie is gonna tell Buck how he feels and they’re gonna be in love right? However when 8x10 starts and Eddie comes back, Buck has been #LetBuckFucking all over town while Eddie was gone so when Eddie comes back to tell Buck how he feels he finds Buck either going on dates or on a date or talking about dates etc so Eddie is like wtf and then bottles it in and doesn’t tell him. Typical case of wrong timing like for Ross/Rachel and Jim/Pam etc. So now we know Eddie is pining. This will go on for a couple of episodes which is when we get the great Buddie fight of mostly Eddie’s secret feelings coming to a peak because of Buck fucking around town and Eddie can’t take it anymore and it leads to Eddie yelling “YOU SAID YOU WOULD WAIT FOR ME!” And Buck is like ??? That’s when they’re both arguing and Buck is like why are you so upset and eddie is like “BECAUSE I LOVE YOU!” And Buck is too stunned to speak bc he thought Eddie was never really an option and so he’s just like “…you love me?” And Eddie’s out of breath like “…yeah.”
#911 theories#911 theory#buddie canon season 8#buddie canon#911 buddie#911 on abc#911 season 8#buck and eddie#buck x eddie#buck/eddie#eddie diaz#buddie 911#buck eddie#eddie and buck#evan buckley#buck buckley
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So like my brain did the thing where it thinks too much about something and makes it absolutely gut punching so if I have to think about it so do you lol.
To the few or many people that hc life! c!Skizz as an avian that was born missing his wings, angel, fallen angel ,or an angel/avian that lost his wings in an accident or something similar do you guys think the reason Skizz aways took to eating things that made him float as soon as it was figured out after every reroll in episode 2 of wildlife was because he missed or simply finally got the chance to experience the one feeling he KNEW he was missing? Like every other life game before no one was able to fly not even the normal winged hybrids like Grian cause their wings were either tied down or clipped and Skizz didn't have to think about his own wings or lack of because no one could fly. He wasn't the only one experiencing the clawing feeling, the need, the want, to fly anymore when looking up at the never ending sky.
Then wildlife episode 2 happens and for the first time since he was born or since he lost his ability to fly or since he games started he can float! He can feel the air all around him. Feel the phantom wings/clipped wings on his back stretch and god damn it he just doesn't want to go back down. He goes higher and higher until he almost feels like he's in heaven. He takes in the view and laughs. He didn't know just how much he missed this, craved this, until he's finally where he belongs. And he floats. Floats with joy because it might not be flying but it's the next best thing in this weird death game they call home and this might be his only chance to experience what he's been missing.
Then he's falling. Falling again. Falling back to earth where gravity chains him down. Funny how it was the earth that first allowed him to feel like air again. To feel normal. Like nothing changed at all. Like heaven had opened its doors to him again. It was the earth that made him feel the absolute coolest he's ever felt in years as he managed to dirt clutch before hitting the very dirt he placed down. Funny then isn't it that it would be the earth that would take his first life in that episode as Tango laughs with delight as his own fades away and changes to anger.
#trafficblr#Skizzleman#Late night skizz thoughts#life series skizz#wildlife#wild life smp#Winged skizz my beloved#life series
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the sound i made when my inqusitor showed up... my beloved....
#me looking at him: well you're still too damn thin but you don't look like you did in inquisition so it's a big plus!!!!#my beloved athren <3#the idea of them in the south with dorian still in tevinter and god. how much do they actually get to see one another in canon#did cry btw. it's really interesting as well of masc voice being a bit deeprr as well#couldn't find the exact hair i would have for them but. this is also really good for them. would be graying tho#them and my rook are technically about the same age. if not my inky is a few years younger (my rook is mid-late 40's)#veilguard spoilers#curious if they show up anymore!!
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accidentally stayed up waaaaay too damn late thanks to this twindown i’m having…… oops 🥰 goodnight gresties i love y’all so much !!! ❤️
#shit at my restaurant job has been unbelievably crazy these past few days. like actually fucking insanity.#and my best friend at work just got let go because of all of it…… and like. goddamn. idk what’s going on anymore LMFAO#everything sucks at that damn restaurant and now it’s worse because my bestie is gone!#i’m just. showing up. making my tips. and leaving ❤️#thank god i have my library job and i know i don’t have to be a waitress forever. this shit is exhausting as hell#and i’ve only been doing it a year! like. goddamn. lifelong servers are the strongest people alive#anywayyyy. work rant over. i love y’all!!! and i love my twinnies!!!!!!!#jakey 🥰 joshy 🥰#thoughts of my moon and my sun keeping me goin through the bullshit!!!!#jake#josh#li speaks
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I keep forgetting I can't seem to get the current version of xkit to work on my new laptop and going to do stuff that it let me do fjldksafjdlsaj
#text post#im p sure the mutual marker thing was a feature w/them bc i'm missing them on everyone that#as far as I know I was still a mutual with#then again I did drop like. fifteen followers over the last week#but that usually happens whenever I start actually posting my personal thoughts on my personal blog lmao#have also gotten a few messages both politely and not so politely asking me to essentially shut the fuck up re: my personal posts#idk what to tell y'all on that bc like. i have a lot of folks I follow n' enjoy who post just as much /even more than me re: personal stuff#I think im just particularly irritating even when I'm trying really hard not to be and try to edit my posts down/keep them under readmores#but im trying to be better#not trying hard enough tho apparently and this tag essay probably won't help but. idk.#i think we're all allowed to be as irritating/post as much personal stuff as we want on our blogs#but i also think im still operating uselessly on how tumblr was a few years ago. ppl don't like that anymore it seems#and that's okay but I gotta work on catching up to that and do better#anyway. it's possible i did lose most of my mutuals and tbh it's not a big deal it's just a lot of ppl at once like. damn.#makes me wonder what the last straw was just out of curiosity#bc if that's really what happened then im down to like. maybe three or four mutuals left and it hasn't been that low since I first started#on here back in like. tail end of hs beginning of college#I also keep missing the quick reblog feature which was my fave but. someday I will figure out why xkit isn't working for me#and i will fix it. at a time when im not sick and feeling cruddy lol
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Advice from experience: Be VERY careful on spending money on games, especially if what you're spending money on is like, limited events and shit.
Once you're in, you're IN and it's very, very hard to get out of mostly because of guilt and not wanting to put down stuff you've spent hours grinding for.
#alt rambles#rants in tags#recently started putting down and breaking off of a game that i've been grinding on for two years#and realised how much more time i have on my hands#and how much less draining my daily life is#and that i have more energy and time to do stuff instead of spending 2-3 hours every day to grind on the game#yea i spent 2-3 sometimes 4 hours per day just playing this game on a daily basis for the last 2 years#because i spent money and a shit load of time and effort in it#so putting it down genuinely makes me feel a lot of guilt#cause i feel like its such a waste#but like idk#i got really frustrated the other day and so burned out i gave myself a few days break and hoenstly im doing so much better than before#and i actually have time to do other stuff and do more art that now im starting to like#not want to go back to playing the game anymore#lmao yea if you know me you know what game im talking about#i mean i still love the game but damn was it fucking predatory and its only gotten worse thanks to new updates imo#it was fun before and now its just endless grinding#anyways#its another reason why i dont wanna pick up playing genshit even though i really want to#cause i finally got scara (thanks friend who logs in sometimes)#cause like i know genshit will also do that to me smh#anyways idk its just been on my mind lately about how i have unhealthy relationships with a lot of video games#i think im just going to stick to games like sdv and sr that don't have event after event#so thta i can go for breaks without feeling bad or like im missing out
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gotta get off the internet and only interact irl with people who were 30 before they got their shit together i cant keep doing it like this
#like this being. feeling like i have no future and nobody likes me#‘youre only 19’ only goes so far when i dont know any other fail 19 year olds#im not gonna be a damn dentist for sure but like. and ive said this a thousand times. what am i gonna do. i cant live a worthless nothing#life where i work a shitty job i hate. i have to like something#i hate my art. i hate my lack of creativity. my art is so bland i just dont think its in me anymore#i finished. and i hate it#i have other hobbies. i like to cross stitch. i like to sew. i like to paint. i like to make dolls. do you see the common theme here#i have a few more than that i technically could do but i cant create anymore and it kills me. i want to. i constantly want to but i cant#it doesnt help that even if i havw ideas i dont even want to do them#i was gonna draw some characters from a game i played when i was little but i just#didnt want to. at no point did it not feel like a chore#ill try to go to new mediums! its fun to mess around and then itll feel boring again and going back doesnt feel any better#idk. googling it is useless. ive tried all the things. for years. ive been TRYING to draw consistently and like. doodles are fine theyre fu#but theyre not what i want to do i want to make something im proud of. i drew almost every single day for like 2 years#and its not burnout bc its been like. 2 more years! and ive barely wanted to at all!!!#i want to be creative and i also want people to recognize it. different complaint but it sucks so bad#i feel like nobody likes me. still. nobody cares about what i do. nobody would care if i stopped#like except me but i can only support myself so far!!!! im so tired of it!!!! someone PLEASE be here for me and just say ‘hey i love this#drawing :)’ like you have no idea what that would do for me#not always. but yknow especially if its been a while. if you like it. if you dont like it :( idk. you should tell me that too i guess#yknow so i can have some confirmation so i dont feel like im crazy. idk. dont actually id never go online again. i would probably. well.#i dont like to say the words#simons spouting#vent :(
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that moment when you think about a friend you haven't seen in 2 years and you realize wow the attachment issues are strong with this one
#just blahs#kinda rant/vent in the tags bcs i feel like maybe writing it out will make me feel better but making it as a part of the post seems too much#anyways lmao#said friend was basically my first real friend that i can actually remember and we were literally inseperable for the like . 2 years we had#but then they had to move away#and yeah i technically still have their discord and i can (do) message them every once in a while#but like . im constantly worried that maybe they wish i just stopped#Im always the one to reach out to them first mostly because like every once in a while i literally just sit and cry bcs i miss them#and i have no idea if they miss me too#because they were literally such a vital part of my life but maybe i wasn't as vital in theirs#maybe one day ill actually talk to them about all this#maybe some day I'll tell them that i have a playlist dedicated to them that i listen to sometimes when i miss them and want to cry#maybe some day I'll tell them that i still always sleep with the little plushy they gave me the day before they left#maybe some day I'll tell them how much i want them back and if maybe . just *maybe* they want me back#or maybe some day they'll tell me they've moved on and that i can stop checking in on them every few months#maybe theyll tell me that its weird that i *havent* moved on#because its been two god fucking damn years#thats plenty of time for me to just forget about them and move the fuck on .#its not like i don't have new close friends anymore . bcs i do . but theyre not *them*#i just want to know if they miss me even just a bit as much as i miss them#i need to know .#idk#i really shouldn't be allowed to stay up until almost 4 am lmao#anyways . might delete this in the morning we'll see#I'm just in a missing them mood rn im fine
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I am 🤡 so incredibly dysphoric
#its been. a while since its been this bad#I wish I could just. make this body mine. do what I want with it. take t. get top surgery#I wish I could feel something other than guilt for wanting to do those things because#it's not just my body. I'm not even the only host. I can't predict what the host lineup will look like a few years down the line#I would be betraying so many of the others to pursue medical transition#and my ribs are a mess. idk if I can bind but I have to. I have to start binding again.#safety be damned.#I can't do this anymore
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“If you’re not constantly battling 24/7 you’re transphobic” maybe we’re just completely burnt out from the endless uphill battle you single braincelled amoeba
#i hate these kinds of posts#no room for nuance or understanding#just fucking#surzfuxtixgisit#you do your best day in and day out for years but if you dare grow tired from fighting both yours and others battles#you get labelled as uncaring and on the side of bigotry#I’m tired of being made to feel guilty for not having infinite mental energy#‘’if you’re not fighting every second forever clearly you hate trans people’’#first of all I AM TRANS YOU RUBE#Second of all I’ve tried arguing against the bigot-minded in my family#it’s literally the brick wall meme. and I’ve learnt some refuse to consider others (you learn this quick as an Autism Creature)#when minor disagreement is forced to be backed up with a colossal argument in defence you get life sucked from you like in The Mummy(1999)#black and white thinking helps few and hinders all#but I digress. I’m fucking exhausted from battling my own head and toxic unstable living situation#label me whatever I don’t give a fuck anymore I’m just venting and craving peace#I’ve forgotten how to relax. literally. my muscles are tense all damn day and night#i just want to relax for a second without seeing 200 posts saying if I’m not engaged in constant battle I’m siding with bigots and phobes#whatever
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I just cannot escape the yearning to die
Its almost been a decade and if I think about it it still brings my mental space into the molten core of the earth
I'm just so tired of being depressed im not depressed like I used to be, though, it just gets duller because I'm so damn used to it unless i let myself think about how much I don't want to be alive
Bleh. Ive said it for years and still true, if I could find 18 year old me id tell him to do the attempt better, rather than anything about how life is worth it. It's been eight years and honestly it only got worse. Was supposed to have done it when I was 14 probably, and never bothered anyone.
Hate being such a stereotypical zoomer freak about my own existence though.
#delete later#obviously#i dont know im jus#just tired of being tired of being alive#i dont even have horrible spiraling episodes anymore#i just dont have anything#almost miss crying and loathing what little i had and being so mad that the only feeling i had was despair and the strange hopelessness of#iunno loneliness in a communal sense too even#friends who kept me alive for years who we stopped really being in touch after covid#theyre all humans. doing good. and im glad#but im. actually worse than when they had to talk me down every three weekss#like im arguably worse#i was once very mad at one of them for getting me to promise to live until that next easter#after he spent a damn few hours trying to keep me going and vibing#so much effort from much better people just to have me waste years more oxygen
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#so because i hate myself obviously i decided to finally finish naruto. after all those years. it was time#and damn you guys. and here i mean you guys who love this show. i would like to ask you how#i skipped all the filler eps for my own sanity (thank you anime filler list i owe you several hours of my life)#i have seen the first 250eps or so when it was still freshly coming out all those *checks watch* eleven years ago. wow. horrifying.#so it only took me like 3 days since i also kept skipping all the flashback scenes. some of which i have seen at least 20 times#im not even joking. 20 times. the exact same scenes. within 100-200 eps. why and also fuck you#anyways#i have just a few more to go but i know how it ends anyways so its just a formality now but like. i have just one teeny tiny question#why the fuck. is sasuke evil again#for the ten thousandth time#yo fans of naruto. completely seriously how do you deal with this shit#i dont hate the show. it has been a huge formative anime of my childhood/adolescence. my entrance to fandom#my reason to learn english and also japanese#my reason to start drawing and writing and creating and so on and so forth#but my fucking dudes. the story writing of the show is so shit#the show couldve ended at ep 340 or so. for what reason were there fifty different plot twists#i swear no one was amazed anymore. there were no plot holes to fill i promise you. why would you keep snowballing more#''secret evil plots'' and ''actually even stronger eviler more god-like creature that wants to end humanity for whatever reason''#this is like number one rule of good story telling. you cannot keep telling the reader actually this was all someone else's evil plan#and then keep going with the ''actually'' three more times#im so annoyed because regardless of how bad the quality of the show always was and how mediocre some of the characters were#*cough* all the women ones *cough*#i still loved the show. if nothing else for nostalgia sake#but sasuke turning evil for the nth time like 10 eps before the show ends really makes me want to throw hands#to quote my real life friend chidi anagonye: the dot above the 'i' broke me. sasuke being evil again for one last plot twist did it#his character is so empty what the hell. i cant even say that his actions are out of character bc i dont think he even has any#also now that i started shitting at the show. whats with all those bible references. why?? for what reason???? stop?#i get izanagi and izanami and a literal ep called sengoku jidai but my dude. cant you just do one?#(if i see obito's tragic backstory flashback one more fucjing time i will lose it i swear on this. or worse - turn evil!)#also if anyone of you read this whole rant im sorry but also this ones on you <3
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