#but like seriously i’m autistic i need a couple of weeks to get used to a new group of people

[neon-in-the-night-time]

me listening to one of my coworkers talk about how he “finally broke me in” and got me to “start talking and not being shy” knowing damn well this is my base personality that everyone gets eventually once i have enough time to acclimate to a new environment and understand(ish) the social norms like

[glittertomb]

Very personal but important question(s?) regarding chronic health issues and disability

So I’ve had fibromyalgia and Gastroparesis for about a decade now, and I try my best to self-manage these issues (in addition to the expensive meds they give me that don’t really provide relief), but it becomes severely difficult for me to work a full schedule, particularly when my job drains me physically, mentally, and emotionally. I spend my days off in complete recovery mode, absolutely bed-ridden, afraid to do anything social or physical, because I risk going into a total Fibro meltdown. Which is a nightmare, but I’ll spare you the details.

I’ve been considering applying for partial disability because I think working 3 or 4 days instead of 5 or 6 would be much better for most humans, honestly, but particular for someone like me who deals with chronic nausea, discomfort, and pain on the daily. I’ve been putting it off for ages though because I know that disability can be very difficult to get and a horrible process and I can’t work myself up to it or afford a disability lawyer to help me. I tried being a little more aggressive this past summer and collected “documentation” on my fibromyalgia in the hope of preparing to submit it, and literally all of my documentation says “fibromyalgia?” because apparently none of my doctors believe me after years of testing and thousands of dollars of office visits trying to get this diagnosis. To be honest, using fibromyalgia as my reasoning for disability needs was a dead end anyway because lots of doctors still don’t believe it exists, so I doubt the government would find that a good reason either. And I really doubt they would take the Gastroparesis seriously either, even though both of these conditions are dehabilitating at times.

So one of my friends recommended I go through the avenue of my mental health issues. At different points of my life I’ve been diagnosed with depression, anxiety, bipolar, ocd, adhd, etc, and who knows what the real answer is, but she’s a mess. I’ve been realizing over the past couple years that I’m very likely autistic, and that would actually explain a lot of these things, but the past 6 months have been crazy, and even though I’ve been working a bunch, I’m poorer than ever because of the rising cost of everything, so I cannot afford to get a formal diagnosis yet. But I know that I told my most recent psychiatrist all these horror stories about my anxiety, so I decided to get done documentation for her too, and guess what? Generalized depression and mild anxiety. Girl, huh? (Tw: blood and dermatillomania coming up) I showed her evidence of scars on my hands from picking my hands every night til I bleed everywhere, I described how I get overwhelmed and cry at work several times a week and often fight back panic attacks at work and in my private life, I told her than I struggled to fall asleep and stay asleep and only got collectively about a few hours every night, I told her that I literally could not socialize without using alcohol as a crutch but I can no longer do that because of my digestive issues so I self-isolate, I told her that I struggle to maintain eye contact and panic when people give me eye contact… so many stories like these. Mild anxiety smdh

So that comes to my first question cause I guess I decided while writing this that I have a couple:

1) How do you, as a female-presenting person, get a diagnosis for severe anxiety? How wild do my stories have to be without accidentally committing myself?! I have an ex, amab, who basically pulled a john Mulaney and was like, “I get nervous on planes sometimes” and he legit got a prescription for Xanax or one of those other big ones, and another who is on a dose of gabapentin 5x the strength of mine because he gets social anxiety sometimes, so this is especially frustrating that I can’t even get a dang proper diagnosis on anything after ten+ years of therapy, doctors, tests, everything.

2) What is the process like for getting an autism diagnosis and are there cheaper routes you can go that would still be credible? I’ve exhausted my expenses from years of jobs not paying my worth combined with money poured down the drain trying to get any sort of help with my kaleidoscope of issues, and at this point I’m too broke and demotivated and burnt out to figure out a way forward.

3. Has anyone been able to get partial or full disability who would be willing to hold my hand through the steps and keep me motivated? I know it’s a huge ask but I honestly get so anxious even thinking about the process that I completely shut down. At the very least, maybe you could explain what worked for you or how you would approach it better next time? I just moved far away from my support group so I’m feeling alone and even a word of caution or encouragement would help.

I know I’m not really as connected to this community as I used to be, but I’m hoping someone will get to the end of this and even a kind word or a smidge of sympathy/empathy would be nice. And please do reach out if you have fibro because I don’t meet many and it would be nice to have friends who can relate. Thank you for listening! 💜💜💜

[ashwhowrites]

heyyyy hope ur doing good. ik i very rarely come on here and it’s usually to ask advice but i need some on this new situation. so basically i’ve been talking to this guy and we have some classes together but he’s a very joking type of person and we have this fake mean typa vibe going on even though we are friends. we kinda started talking a couple of weeks ago and he’s said some things that are definitely flirty (like he saw me when he was coming out of another lecture and i hadn’t been in in a while due to sickness and he called my name and was all like “omg i actually missed you so much i just looked at ur empty seat in lit all week”) and over text too (like when i messaged him “hey fuckwit” (it’s how i flirt) and he responded w “hey babe” (IT MADE ME START KICKING MY FEET SCREAMING INTO MY PILLOW LIKE A FUCKING BOY OBSESSED TEEN GIRL)). the only thing is that i can’t 100% tell if he actually likes me like that or is just joking?? i mean he always talks to me when he sees me and he always asks me questions and talks ab stuff i say to his friends (they actually take everything so seriously though which kinda sucks bc i have a habit of saying “suck my strap on” bc so many dickheads had to ruin “suck my dick” w U dOnT hAvE a DiCk and they told half the fucking campus i have a strap on but ig it could be worse). he also says cute shit like this one time he was being annoying but like in his own hot way and i told him to suck my dick and he said “u don’t have a dick” so i said “eat my pussy then” and he literally shouted bc we were going in different directions “will u marry me” and i told him to get a ring and he said he would so now it’s like an inside joke us calling each other husband and wife and i said goodnight my annoying husband over text and he responded “love you too” WHICH WAS LIKE AJDJDJD. also one of my friends who is incredibly immature and has the vocabulary of a 12 yr old boy said “is this rizz you and __” when we were talking and he literally went bright fucking red and got even redder when he was like “ooh ur blushing ur going redd” . he also stares at me a lot?? and like notices everything like i can’t bring a different flask to lectures without him quizzing me on it. ig i’m just worried he doesn’t like me like that and he thinks it’s just a joke or something? i’m autistic so i’m rlly not good w tone and reading ppls intentions. anyway thanks for reading my rambling and apologies for how long this is

-🕷

Honestly, the only thing you can really do is talk to him about it.

He does seem interested from my end, but boys are tough. I'd definitely talk to him about it, maybe clear the air if he has any truth behind his jokes.

I wish you the best of luck

[kouchan-scribbles]

Renga oneshot

Heliophilia: love of the sun

Summary: renga snuggles, autistic Langa, they’re trying their best at communicating but its a process and Reki is bad at feelings yet again

Word count: 1566

Warnings: Joe jokes about sex but nothing actually happens -reminder they're minors- brief references to Adam assaulting Langa, Langa has an autistic meltdown/overstims (writer is autistic) I wrote these like 6 months apart with a fever so it may be incoherent at points. 

“Remind me again why you’re on my counter using up the entire first aid kit again?” Joe sighs.

I wince as he pats my scraped knee, now carefully disinfected and wrapped with gauze. “You could spare me at least a little sympathy-“ I say as I fidget with the fresh bandaids on my fingers.

“Kid- how did you manage to get this hurt when you weren’t even at S? You guys should be in school right now anyways.“

“I got uh- distracted on the way home. Langa and I skipped our last 2 classes again, sorry…”

“Distracted? Do I wanna hear this or do you just want me to buy you kids some stuff?” He chuckles, crossing his arms and leaning back on the counter beside me.

I shudder in embarrassment “shaddap- I’m fine. Langas just….. LANGA-“ … I’m really not making the best case for myself here, huh?

“Ok ok, seriously though Reki, if you need anything just ask. You kids are stupid as hell and you’re young and bound to make dumb mistakes so I at least want you to be safe okay?”

“IT WASNT LIKE THAT DUDE! I just you know…. He doesn’t really do PDA and you know how he is- he never talks-“ I look up at Joe pitifully only to be startled by the eye contact and return my gaze to my hands.

“I want to be more like a real couple- like you and Cherry- I just- I know Adam like got all up in his face and was hella creepy and he told me he like- touched him and made him super uncomfortable-and the LAST thing I want to do is remind him of that or hurt or scare him…” curse my eyes for daring to tear up.

“Hey, I get how you feel. Kaoru’s pretty much the same, he’d throw Carla in the blender before he’d admit he’s having a human emotion.”

“That bad?”

“Oh yeah- trust me. Honestly you just need to talk stuff out with Langa about boundaries and communication. He’s the type that you need to ask directly if you want him to tell you something right? You need to talk to him like an adult okay?”

“Aaaarrghhhhh adultings so haaaarrdd” I slump off the counter to my feet. “do I have to” I say, pouting.

“Yes now shoo so I can prep for the dinner rush ya dork”Joe laughs ushering me out of the kitchen through the bar door.

I guess I’m going to Langa’s place then-

-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-

~Reki pressed his face into my shoulder as I smoothed my hands over his back, my own back resting on my bed. His sweater was worn and pilled, allowing me to occupy my hands with plucking each pill from the softened cloth as the sound of kitten-like breaths from him filled my ears. I was near a sleep-like state when I heard unintelligible mumbling from Reki, alerting me that he had stirred.

“Hey sunshine” I chuckled as he perked up to look at me head on, giving me the opportunity to lose myself in his crisp golden eyes, contrasting with the blue LEDs he'd helped me install in my room just a few weeks ago.

“Hey” Reki laughed earnestly as he rolled to lay on top of me fully. “Can I kiss you?” He chimed in again as I nodded, not missing a beat. “Like, KISS kiss you?” He’s so pretty when he gets flustered like this, his face is even redder than his hair. And I thought he couldn't get more lovely.

“Please?” I raise my neck to meet him halfway and wrap my arms around his shoulders and tuck my hands under his hood near the nape of his neck.

He's so warm-

This feels so nice, everything with Reki is amazing…

No, REKI is amazing.

He pulls himself closer to me as we kiss and I grow light headed. I'm always shocked that he tastes like raw sugarcane and honey, nearly too sweet but just enough to be intoxicating and addictive. I'm not quite sure where my hands have moved but his are heated enough to be felt through my shirt as he slides his palms up my chest.

“This is so perfect” I think to myself before he glides his fingers to the bottom hem of my shirt. My breath hitches and my lungs cease to function.

It's hot, not in the way everything was before, a bright warmth that filled my chest and melted my heart as if I'd become the happiest man alive instantaneously- no this was different, painful even. An excruciating heat that scalded my skin and burnt my flesh to ash. I couldn't move, speak, breath or even think, I just knew-

I don't like this anymore-

I could feel my heartbeat pounding in my head louder and louder drowning out any thoughts I could've had or sounds could've heard. My chest growing ever tenser and my arms shaking with my hands trapped in a tight fist, jagged chewed nails digging sharply into my palms as I repeatedly slam them to my chest and in the pillows below me  trying to stop the suffocating sensations.

At some point Reki had gotten off of me and was frantically asking if I was okay. Everything he was saying was muffled, grainy and distant as if I were about to faint.

“Langa! Langa baby are you okay? Did I hurt you? I'm so sorry please just tell me what's wrong-”

It was hazy but I could recognize his worry and shakily put my hand in his and he stopped talking. 

I don't want to be the reason he stopped his ramblings, I love his voice.

“Langa sweetie are you okay?” He spoke more slowly but the concern was clear and genuine.

I blinked as I slowly processed his words before nodding, reaching out after him when he retracted his hand, not knowing if I wanted to be touched.

“Do you want me to hold you? We don't have to stay here, I can leave or sit on the floor or something-” I cut him off by again grasping and squeezing his hand.

“St-stay please…. I- I don't like being alone, sorry-” I lean towards him, my gaze never leaving my own lap.

“Okay, whatever you want. Just say the word.” Rekis breath evened out knowing I was okay, I've never felt so loved in my life.

I tugged his hand under my chin so I could sniff his sweater, smelling like an over saturation of everything Reki, from him hardly doing laundry, to the slight saltiness of his sweat, to the “girls” deodorant he's so fond of using, smelling like berries and spice, nearly reminiscent of the christmas car scents my dad had used year round.

He had apparently started stroking my hair and delicately working out the small tangles that had formed. I must've fallen asleep after that because the next conscious thought was that the room was significantly more blue as the sunlight that was previously streaming through the curtains had vanished.

When I looked up I was again greeted with that beautiful golden brown. “Mornin sleepyhead” he giggled, my favorite sight.

“morning- “ I smiled as I nuzzled my cheek into his hand that was still resting under my chin.

“Baby I love you but my hands asleep, can I have that back now?” he continued laughing lightly.

I Grabbed his hand with both of mine “nope It's mine now” I huffed as he feigned defeat only to swing his other arm gently around me before going still.

“So uhh,” his mood shifted. “Do you want to talk about it? Like I totally get it if not but I just want to make sure I don't hurt you or make you uncomfortable or anything because I really love you and that's the last thing I-”

“Reki- It's okay. It's not your fault. I really love you too and I trust you more than anyone else it's not that, I just- It's a lot, You know? Like it's not that I don't want to like- do more physical stuff with you I just don't think I really can, it's just too much I guess, I don't really know.” I averted my eyes from his and pulled my hands away from him. “Sorry-”

“Please don't be sorry! I don't really understand but I want to make you happy. And it makes me really happy that you trust me so much and that you told me, I'd be crushed if I hurt you- That's really all I want from you Langa, honest. If even just normal kissing or anything makes makes you feel bad or scared, I don't mind waiting until you're ready even if that's in 20 years or even never, It's not why I love you and you deserve to be loved more than I can even offer!” Reki held out his hands for me to take.

“I-” my eyes watered ever so slightly at his words, “You're such a dork Reki” I smiled as I met his gorgeous eyes again before sliding back his headband and pecking his forehead. “I love you too”

[lonelier-version-of-you]

That was a pretty good episode! It actually felt somewhat like old Holby again. Not as much as the episode where Henrik found out about Ollie’s PTSD did, that was proper Holby from start to finish (and the only episode to feel that way since Essie’s death... hell, if not since Joseph and Faye’s comeback in 2019), but you could see glimmers of the show it used to be tonight.

I still think Billie being as far gone as she is without anybody noticing until now is ridiculous. Okay, people are really unobservant about pregnancies in soaps, I accepted that after Eva on Corrie. But surely the hospital staff would have found out Billie was pregnant one way or another when she was first admitted? Seriously, surely they would have?

Her and Henrik’s scenes were so much fun to watch, though, that I could sit back and ignore that particular suspension of my disbelief for the length of the episode. Guys, I ADORE Billie. She is the most teenage girl-y teenage girl ever. All my hopes for Stepdad Henrik have absolutely been fulfilled. Her pretending to be in pain so she could be Henrik’s patient and use doctor-patient confidentiality to stop Henrik from telling Russ about her pregnancy was so goddamn funny. And Delainey Hayles is fantastic in the role.

I am sure a lot of people will start moaning that Henrik is “too smart” to be manipulated by Billie like that, but sorry, no, fandom, he’s not. It is absolutely, 100% in character for him to be tricked by her like that. He is a very intelligent doctor but his social skills absolutely are as rubbish as they were made out to be tonight. Deal with it.

I see they’re still going really hard on the “Russ is an overprotective dad” thing. I do wish they’d ease up a little on that. We get it. Russ is overprotective of his kid while Henrik wasn’t in his kid’s life at all. It would be a better and cleverer contrast if you stopped shoving it in our faces every 5 seconds, Holby.

Anyway, Billie explaining that she was adopted makes me really think they’re actually going the route my out-there theory said: that she’ll end up giving up her baby for adoption, and a couple will offer to adopt it... and then it turns out that couple is Amelia and Eli. It’s going to happen, guys, I’m telling you.

I also really loved Henrik worrying for Billie’s safety and making sure her baby’s conception was consensual. See, that was in character. That is the Henrik I know and love. Not the version of him who brushed off the trafficking and rape of two teenage girls like it was nothing the other week. This is the real Henrik. That moment alone did a lot for his, as TVTropes would call it, ‘character re-railment’.

Also the way Henrik looks at Russ is just the cutest thing ever. He is utterly head over heels, and it’s adorable.

And Henrik being completely unable to lie to Russ made me laugh. More evidence for the autistic Henrik essay, if I ever get around to writing that before the show ends. It actually kind of reminded me of Dylan on Casualty a couple years ago after he found out Lev was cheating on Faith, and he was utterly useless at lying about it.

Fletch is still here. And they’re almost certainly shoving Flac in last-second. Sigh. Having said that, I appreciated seeing an actual medical storyline tonight. The show actually felt like a medical drama again (well, a medical drama/soap opera hybrid, but it’s been one of those since... well, not quite the start, but certainly since many years ago), instead of a run-of-the-mill soap opera that happens to be set in a hospital, which is what it’s felt like since at least 2018.

Also, if there’s one thing I took from tonight, it’s that Rosie Marcel does the political speech scenes a lot better than Alex Walkinshaw. I miss Ric/Hugh Quarshie, though. It always used to be Ric who got these kinds of stories, and he suited them well.

And whyyy do we need last-second Flac. Whyyy. They never had chemistry in 2017/2018 and they don’t have chemistry now.

Poor, poor Nicky. God, I don’t even have anything to say on her storyline, my heart just... breaks for her. Belinda Owusu’s incredible acting only serves to make her scenes sadder. :(

I loved the Dom and Sacha interactions. That felt really old-school Holby. Sacha’s lab coat was great if you ask me. And does anyone know what the music Dom was listening to was? He has really good taste.

All in all, a decent episode. We’re in the home stretch now, with only 9 episodes left, and I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t a little sad, even if the show has been a shell of itself for a very long time. I may not miss the show, but I’ll really miss the characters.

[painted-crow]

Secondary Toast Revolving Door, Part 1

I guess I should start with a little about me, since that’s easier than making you pick through previous asks for information and some of you guys are new here. This one’s going to be heavily personal, so you can skip it if you want.

I’m a double Bird. My Bird primary system is heavily Badger influenced, and I also use Lion to support it by telling me when I should investigate something more closely. If we can dip into primary territory for a moment, I guess you can say I understand the world through systems that model things around me. But not all of those systems are things I’ve consciously examined, or fully investigated.

My understanding of how historical people dressed is pretty limited, for example, because I haven’t studied it in depth to get all the information—but I consciously understand what I do know about it. You could say this system piece is tiny but clear; I could expand it if I chose to find out more.

My understanding of how someone I’m not close to thinks might have more data to work with, but I haven’t consciously processed it; that’s the kind of thing where my Lion primary model will tell me to look closer if that person starts acting weird. This system piece might be described as huge but fuzzy; I could clarify it if I sat down and thought about it. I probably have more of these than I realize, but Lion basically takes care of monitoring those. I don’t have to investigate everything.

But some of my systems are both large and fairly clear, because I’ve taken the time both to gather data on them and to examine it. My understanding of myself is… well, I won’t say it’s terribly clear, because I’m in my early twenties and I’m still constantly getting new information, plus someone keeps changing the environment and mucking with my data (that would be me). But I have to examine it, because my brain is like a notoriously buggy piece of software and I’m the poor schmuck saddled with tech support duties.

Basically, the reason I’m good at playing therapist with other people is that I’m constantly doing exactly that thing with myself. (This probably makes me a very annoying patient for actual therapists.)

About that buggy brain, then.

I have major depression. That was professionally diagnosed when I was a teenager and it’s probably genetic. I take medication for it, when I remember to. It especially flares up in the winter or when I’m under stress. I probably have some kind of anxiety disorder too.

I’m almost certainly autistic, which I’ve never brought up with a professional—the first person to figure it out was the system I’m now best friends with, because they’re autistic and they knew I was within two weeks of talking to me. It took me two years to catch up with them and figure it out myself.

In my defense, I thought executive dysfunction, sensory overwhelm, dissociation, and hyperempathy were like… secret menu items for depression, because those only really bug me during depressive episodes. My current theory is that they’re related to autistic burnout instead.

I mask a lot, subconsciously—it’s actually really hard to turn that off normally—and I just can’t do that as much when depressed. If I do, my tolerance for everything else goes way down and I’ll go into overwhelm and start having shutdowns and dissociating. I recover pretty quickly (hours, not days), but if you’ve never spent 15 minutes standing in a Walmart aisle trying to decide whether you want a jar of peanut butter, but you can’t make decisions because you can’t access your emotions and you don’t really feel like you’re “here” but you kind of just want to go home… well, be glad I guess.

Of course, I have other autistic traits that show up when I’m not under stress, but they’re seldom associated with autism because most people don’t know what autis are like when we’re actually happy. Like, hyperlexia? That’s not even an “official” word, the auti community just uses it because “official” literature hasn’t caught up. I taught myself to read at age three (according to my mom; she says I was reading news headlines and stuff, not just books I’d memorized) and wrote a 35k word novella when I was ten, with no external prompting. My audio processing used to be terrible, but I routinely tested at college age reading levels as a kid.

I also might have ADHD? If so, it’s also mostly just noticeable if I’m under stress, and then it’s hard to tell if that’s the issue or if it’s just autism/depression again.

You might be getting a clearer picture of how my secondary and its model end up burnt so often!

(Resisting a very strong urge to cut stuff from this post.)

In short, I was a Gifted Kid. I spent a lot of my teen years biting off more than I could chew, honestly. I felt that I should be able to do more, and I wanted to be taken seriously, but I had basically no idea how to take care of myself because my needs are different from everyone else’s. I’m still figuring those out.

I’m kind of like an orchid plant: incredibly picky about conditions, wants a different “soil” and watering schedule, gets stressed if stuff changes too quickly, but when everything is just right and it does bloom, it goes all out.

I’m not kidding when I say that I have odd needs. One of them is the need for creative work, which seems to be hardwired into me. When I say that art or writing keeps me sane, I often hear back “oh yeah! I’ve heard that can be very therapeutic,” which is an innocuous reply, but it’s always bugged me, and I think I’ve figured out why.

First, because that’s not the reason I make things… I just… have to. Second, I can’t “make up” not doing creative work with some other kind of therapy. Third and most importantly, I’d much rather think of “artist” as my ground state, and depression as a condition that happens when my needs aren’t being met, rather than thinking of depression as the default that I’m just using art to escape from. That seems to me a healthier way of thinking, and probably a more accurate one, but I’m probably the only one who can see that distinction.

If life gets in the way and I can’t make space for creative work, it will actively make my depression worse. I know this because, multiple times, I’ve been unable to pinpoint why I’m feeling shitty, and then I go back to my easel or my writing or (ukulele, cooking, even just taking care of houseplants) and realize I haven’t done anything creative in like a month and thaaaat’s the problem.

I crack open a bottle of gesso to prep some canvases and it smells like… well, I don’t think you can get high off gesso? But it’s not like when you’re out of it on painkillers or cold medicine or whatever. It’s incredibly grounding, like the world snaps back into focus but it’s also oddly euphoric. Or I write ten thousand words in a couple days and it just… I don’t know what that does. I’ve never run across a word for it.

The writer of Smile at Strangers (a really good memoir centered around women, anxiety, and karate) describes a similar feeling in relation to her martial arts practice.

It’s also a bit like when all the snow melts after winter and you step outside and there’s the smell of wet soil under sunlight and I’m not sure if this fully translates for people who don’t have seasonal depression. Sorry.

Dammit, I want to paint… I haven’t had space to set up for like eight months. I’ve been nose-deep in writing projects since last summer for a reason, but right now my friggin Ravenclaw secondary is off angsting about something because of Life Stress Bullshit, and I don’t have the focus to work on any of my writing projects. Apart from this one. But it’s not really what I want in terms of creative work.

*velociraptor screech*

Oh, yeah. I guess I could mention this is why my nickname is Paint. Not sure if that was obvious before. The header image (which is more visible in the app for some reason) is one of my paintings. It’s a tiny one and it’s not one of my favorites, but I had the photo on my phone and the colors work well enough for what I needed.

(restrains self from negging my own painting ability)

This is starting to get into spoiler territory for what burned Ravenclaw secondary looks like, huh? It’s peaced out for a couple weeks at this point. I’m trying to write about what made it take off, but my ability to think of words and form a coherent sentence kinda flew out the window when I approached it directly.

Let’s just say that around the start of the month, someone I was talking to online (if you’re reading this, it’s definitely not you) kindaaaa hit a nasty depression trigger of mine. Not their fault—it’s very specific to me, and I struggle to explain why I can’t really talk about it. Basically, I spent years studying programming and web design, and due to several different but related issues during that experience, it’s now a trigger for me. I very much want it not to be, but trying to train that out of myself has induced more than one panic attack and I’m stuck between giving up on it or figuring out a way to go back to it that doesn’t totally shut my brain down.

That paragraph took forever to write, by the way.

I think I have to end this here. I… am going to go take out the trash, and water my plants, and make my bed, and file some paperwork, and maybe I’ll even mix up some bread dough or do some laundry. Spoiler alert for what it looks like when my Hufflepuff model takes over, I guess.

Oh. And I should maybe probably eat something. I almost forgot about that... again.

[arizonaconservativegal]

First of all, thanks for replying. And thanks to the people in the notes who followed up, as well. In terms of interests, while I would love someone who shares a lot of them, I really only have one that's necessary. As an aspiring game developer, games are my art form, especially the world building and the mechanics and systems in place. I want someone who shares this love, who I can bond over with. Anything else would just be icing on the cake. In terms of appearance, I'd prefer if she were shorter than me by a good amount, ideally at or below 5' 6" but I'm fine as long as she's not above like 5' 10". I'm not the leanest person myself, I've got a little belly, but I'm working on it and slowly losing weight. I don't mind if she's a little chubby either, but if she's really fat I just can't go with that. I'm probably a little hypocritical here as I'd obviously prefer someone who's in shape, but I can find some heavier women attractive as long as they're short and feminine. I dislike body modifications, and would prefer someone without any, but I could deal with a few small tattoos and a few piercings, as long as they're not gauges or septum piercings. And obviously she needs to want kids (but not have any), needs to be not a full-on leftist (I'm fine with a centrist, conservative, or ideally a libertarian), and just have a nice personality that gels with mine. I tend to be a pretty low-key, somewhat boring person, and have trouble dealing with people who have "big" personalities. I find that at my age, it's hard to find someone who wants kids but doesn't have any, and who likes games but isn't butch or seriously fat or really punk or whatever. Those are pretty much my lines in the sand, appearance and personality-wise. Do I have too many of them? Are there things I should care less about? As I said, I've never been in a relationship, so I really don't know what's important and what's not. I'm just basing what I want on what I personally prefer.

And I know what I need to do to become more attractive, myself. Lose some weight, get a better job, move out. Is there anything else I need to do, and what should I prioritize? Right now I'm thinking about trying for a raise at work, but I'm also worried it'll put me over the pay limit for subsidized healthcare, and I've got a lot of health problems that are out of my control. I'd need to jump to a job with actual benefits to make it really worth it, so it'll be hard just moving up gradually.

And finally, just because I'm spilling everything out here anyway, there's a girl at work who recently broke up with her boyfriend of 5 years who I've been becoming quite friendly with. She's always enjoyable to talk to, and she seems to like me at least as a friend. However she's not got a lot in common with me. There's a guy who clearly likes her, and she has a friend that's probably into her, and I knew her ex and they all have a similar look that's very different to me. I think she also tends to go for "bad boys" and I'm definitely not one of them. She recently asked about my interests and stuff kind of probing more deeply, but since I basically haven't had any friends for years I don't know if that's just what's normal or if she's actually a little bit interested in me. Honestly I'm not sure what to do or if I should even do anything. She's basically a normie and I'm borderline autistic. I'm not used to anyone actually being interested in anything about me and I don't know how to tell one kind of "interest" from another. And considering she's a coworker and I enjoy her company, I don't want to fuck anything up. What do I do?

Ok there's a lot to unpack here...

First of all, I'm not going to be that person who tells you looks don't matter because let's all be honest here for a second, they do and anyone who says otherwise is lying for internet morality points. Obviously if you're going to date someone, you need to not be repulsed by their physical appearance.

But. Looks are not the most important thing and they're also not permanent. Plus in my experience, the more you get to know someone, the more attractive they become to you because you just see people differently when you love them. So don't worry so much about finding the most beautiful girl you've ever seen, or being the most handsome guy she's ever seen. When it's right, that stuff will handle itself.

(Also, I'm not saying you did this, but if you put all that in your online dating profile, please delete it immediately because it will scare women off if it's public and even if it's just for the algorithm, you're probably losing a lot of potentially good matches by being too specific)

I would think a little more about personality. It can be a lot harder to define that than appearance, but that's the part of her that you're going to really fall for. What does "big" personality mean to you? Does that mean just being loud, or is it a certain kind of humor, or just being extroverted or outgoing? Think a little about the people you enjoy spending time with and figure out what it is about them that makes you want to be around them. Interests are a good starting point, but try to think about what drives those interests and how they express them.

And think about you too. How would you describe yourself? I'd guess with your interest in game development, you probably have a big imagination and attention to detail, yeah? Do you have a dry sense of humor, maybe? Are you a patient person? Do you prefer to be busy or to take it easy? When you get stressed out, what calms you down? What are your values in life?

Think about what kind of person complements all that. Remember you're looking for a partner, someone to build a life with. That means the two of you have to make a good team. You'll bring out the best in each other and compensate for each other's weaknesses.

As for the changes you think you need to make, I'm going to let you in a little secret about women: there is nothing sexier to us than a guy who has his shit together. And that doesn't mean you need a fancy law degree and a six figure office job and a mortgage. It means knowing who you are and what you want and be working a clear, realistic plan to get there.

So yes, everything you mentioned is probably a good idea because it sounds like that will help you have more confidence and get on more solid ground with your life and future. But as for what you should do first, just focus on what is best for you, not for some hypothetical future wife you haven't met yet. It sounds to me like you've still got some healing to do and that needs to be your priority.

But when you're ready, the only thing to do is start talking to people and go on lots of dates that will mostly go nowhere. That's okay. The point is to meet girls and see if there's enough there for a second date, then maybe a third, and so on. You're not looking for something that's perfect right away. You're just looking for a starting point to build something more from.

In your case, yes, you probably do need to find a girl who at least has some interest in video games. It's going to be too much of your life for her to not at least be willing to indulge you when you want to talk about the game you're working on. I would guess that there are a lot of girls in "nerd" category who maybe don't know much about video games but would be interested if someone they cared about wanted to show them. Or if you really want to start off with just a pool of people who are as interested in game development as you, I'd hazard a guess that there are conventions or online forums on the subject. Maybe check out some of those and just start talking to people. Maybe it goes nowhere. Maybe you make a new friend. Maybe more. Who knows?

As for the girl at work, I think you're setting yourself up to get hurt. Girls who go for bad boys don't usually change their habits easily. She may be interested in you because you're not like her ex and she's trying to try something different, but that doesn't usually last. It isn't that you're doing anything wrong, it really is just how girls like that are. And it doesn't make any sense but it's how it is.

In general though, if you're getting to know a girl and you're not sure if she's looking for a friend or a boyfriend, it's okay to ask. Don't be creepy about it or anything, but it's okay to say something like "I just want to make sure I'm not reading too much into this." And be prepared to drop it if she says she just wants to be friends.

(Also my rule for dating coworkers is this: if it's a job you plan to stay at long term and you work closely together, the answer is no. If it's more of a temporary thing or you really only pass her in the hall once a week, that's probably okay as long as your company doesn't have some policy against it)

Bottom line, you're overthinking this. Love isn't logical. You can make all the plans and checklists in the world and none of them matter because that's just not how it works. Trust me, if it was, I'd be married by now too.

All you can really do is be the best version of yourself for you, meet a bunch of people, probably get your heart broken a couple of times along the way, and eventually you'll find someone who makes it all worth it.

-

As a side note, are you in a good church? If you're a person of faith at all (and I'm an atheist, so no judgement if you're not), I think having a community like that around you would be good for you right now.

[imagining-in-the-margins]

1. No, it’s not. But I recommend stopping at the S14 finale, which is where everything stops making sense.

Spoilers for S14 Finale

(I’m honestly shocked if you’ve managed to avoid them):

Even aside from the nonsense that is shoving Jeid down our throats after 14 years of nothing, it’s obvious as hell the showrunner changed her mind (she admitted so herself). When both of your actors avoid talking about the scene, you know you’ve made a mistake.

It completely ruined Rossi’s wedding and made everything until 15x02 so fucking uncomfortable I actually left the room. But more than anything, the unsub made no sense. I get it, cases are hard. But why the FUCK would he care if JJ liked Spencer? He didn’t know she was married, much less not married to him? He didn’t know anything about them? Why did they randomly throw in a line about Spencer being in prison just for the guy to discount it?

None of it made any sense. It was super bad.

2. Everything.

Season 15 Spoilers

From the jump, JJ’s stupid ass decision to pick up the gun? Why would she do that? Seriously, why? Like... Spencer was right there. Why wouldn’t she just stand there and radio for him? They weren’t gonna get the gun, how the fuck would they do that?

Essentially, S15 turns all of the characters into fucking idiots. Starting at the S14 finale, they cheapen Spencer and JJ’s friendship AND JJ’s marriage. It turned it all into boy and girl can’t be friends, and I’ll never forgive them for it. It would have made eons more sense if it was a Jemily confession.

But beyond that, the only other episodes I’ve seen so far are Saturday and Date Night - two of the worst written episodes I’ve ever seen in this show. We ignore it because everyone loves Cat Adams, but that’s actually why I hate them. Also...

Max is a raging Mary Sue. 

She is a self-insert garbage character that I’m convinced was never supposed to exist. She was thrown in to make Spencer “normal” instead of just letting him be autistic. She’s rude to him and he doesn’t care because... they need him to not care about it. Her storyline makes no sense. She’s just meant to “fix” Spencer’s autism bc that’s the only way he could be happy and in love, right? If he’s “normal?”

You’re telling me that Spencer Reid, seasoned profiler and almost murderer who was imprisoned, REALLY thinks that his Mary Sue girlfriend is capable of murder? Look me in my eyes and tell me that. That’s the stupidest fucking thing I’ve ever heard in my entire fucking life.

Even further, you’re telling me ACTUAL murderer, prolific hitwoman, and genius Cat Adams believes this random girl saying she murdered someone? The same girl who called Spencer on every bluff except the one about her father? ARE YOU JOKING?

Then the whole making Spencer super hot for Cat thing. She tried to murder his mother. She also either ordered someone to r*pe him, or at least made him believe it happened. Come on, man. I get it, it’s hot, whatever, but it really shouldn’t have been canon. It was just some horny writer being weird. Not to mention, it canonically made Spencer a cheater. 

I will never get over that scene - let’s walk through this from an unbiased perspective please:

Girlfriend witnesses boyfriend making out with murderer who tried to murder his mother and your family. Girlfriend says, “Hey, you seemed real into that kiss?”

Boyfriend laughs and goes “Haha, yep! Sure was.”

Girlfriend laughs and goes “Haha, you like the bad girls.”

Boyfriend who has never once shown a single interest in anyone even remotely resembling a bad girl ever in 15 seasons, “Yeah, usually. But I like you, good girl I just cheated on!”

Girlfriend is happy. “Let’s kiss!”

What the fuck. MAKE IT MAKE SENSE.

GIRL. L E  A V E H I M.

This isn’t even to mention that Spencer in 15x02 goes “I can’t imagine a life where I’m not waiting for JJ” to “I’m ready to move on with Max” in Saturday to “I’m hot for Cat” in Date Night to “Maeve is the only woman I’ve ever loved.” 

Pick a fucking lane, bro.

There’s a lot more I’ve heard but haven’t seen yet that is a disaster (including the continuity error where “Rossi knows the jet better than anyone” when he literally didn’t know it existed before he returned to the BAU - JJ and Spencer know it better than him). But I haven’t watched it yet so, guess we’ll find out then.

3-4. Hahah this made me laugh because my immediate answer was... 2008. I actually used to have a MGG/Spencer Reid blog in 2011. Let that sink in.

I think my rewatch started Dec 2019? I don’t remember. We took a lot of breaks, including a couple months between S12-13 since we bought them. I watched S13-14 in a week, lmao. We’ll probably finish S15 this week.

5. Awwwwe ewok baby! Clearly from how much I just typed in this massive rant, my arm is feeling somewhat better. I hope it is fully healed in a couple days, but until then I’m mostly just writing bar prep essays.

[the-lincyclopedia]

Ten months sober, I must admit, just because you’re clean don’t mean you don’t miss it

This is not about drugs or alcohol. 

It’s been ten months to the day since I told First Boyfriend not to contact me again, and I’ve been listening to the Taylor Swift song “Clean” lately, which is where I got the title of this post, and I decided to post about that whole thing now rather than (or honestly maybe in addition to) posting about it at the one-year mark. 

I’m not going to tell the full story here. I have something like that in my Google Drive, and it’s 12 pages single spaced and still feels like it’s mostly just the highlights. Here’s what I will say: 

We were in the same first grade class. The first time I remember interacting with him was during recess in fifth or sixth grade, when he and a couple of his friends walked up to my friends and me, and he tackled me silently. I got up, brushed myself off, and kicked him in the shins; he tackled me again and walked away. This whole thing occurred without a single word being spoken. My khakis got grass stains. I misspelled his last name when I wrote about it in my diary. 

We got close in eighth grade. This was the year after my mom had almost died, and I felt different from all my friends and classmates. He was different, too. (I later found out we’re both autistic. That explains a lot.) Our different-ness was part of what drew us together. So, too, was my sense that he wasn’t okay. When my mom had been at her sickest, I’d had a purpose, briefly, taking care of my sister, but now my mom wanted her job as our parent back and I was looking for other sources of meaning. Taking care of him was one of them. 

Two of my friends and I threw him a surprise 14th birthday party in the spring of eighth grade. All three of us had crushes on him at that point. The birthday party was a smashing success and honestly still a memory I treasure, mostly because of the massive water balloon fight. 

On October 5 of our freshman year of high school, he was at his then-girlfriend’s swim meet, and our mutual best friend was there with him. He told her he was seriously thinking of killing himself that night. She tried to talk him out of it but didn’t make much progress, so she called me, sobbing, and then handed the phone to him, and I talked him down. It was the first time he and I said “I love you” to each other. Seeing him at school the next morning was the biggest, most visceral relief I’ve ever known. 

His girlfriend broke up with him in late November. Five days later, upstairs in a dark hallway during our mutual best friend’s Hanukkah party, he kissed me twice on the jaw line. I knew he’d hurt himself if I let on that I hadn’t wanted it, so I very carefully asked him not to do that again. 

A week later, I asked him out. (I know.)

We dated for a little over a year before my parents, especially my father, started telling me that a year was too long for a high school relationship; that since I wasn’t going to marry him, it made no sense to continue. I caved to the pressure, even though I didn’t want to break up with him. 

I hadn’t cried since my mother’s cancer diagnosis three years earlier, but the breakup broke me. I cried daily for the first two weeks, and it took under a month for me to become suicidal. I called him--I’d talked him out of suicide, so it felt fair--and he talked me down. I knew I wouldn’t be able to bear hearing “Don’t” or “You can’t.” That those things would make me say, “Watch me.” He told me, “It’s your choice, but I hope you don’t, and this is why I didn’t.” 

We started flirting during the second month of the breakup, and it was more fun than we’d ever had together before. We got back together after ten weeks apart and things got easier. 

We stayed together for nearly two years this time. It went better the second time; he lied less and was mostly better about consent. (If those phrases seem concerning, they should.)

I broke up with him the second time because I watched series three of Sherlock and realized that Mary’s behavior, all the lying and the double life, seemed totally normal to me. I don’t want to go into the details of his lies because I’m embarrassed for having believed him, but suffice it to say he was rarely honest about anything, and eventually I realized I wanted trust to be part of my relationships. 

The first month after the second breakup was awkward (we had classes together, and we competed in the state math tournament together, and we rode the same tour bus halfway across the country with the rest of the school’s music department), but after about a month there was a night when I wound up in his lap, sobbing and promising that I didn’t hate him or want him out of my life but that I’d just needed the romantic part to be done. Things got much less awkward after that. 

We went to college on opposite ends of the same state. We saw each other on breaks. He kept kissing my forehead until I told him not to. When studying abroad went miserably for me, I told him I never wanted to go another day without hearing the words “I love you,” and he said he could make that happen. He texted me “Much love” every day for over three years after that. 

It took six and a half years after breaking up with him for good to realize that what he’d done to me was wrong. (And I still don’t know how to tell the story that way, coherently, largely because of the fake double life he made up that I’m embarrassed for having believed in.) But ten months ago, at my first appointment with my current therapist, I read aloud the 12 pages of chronological narrative I have about him, plus the three pages about the time he pushed past my boundaries most dramatically, right after we turned 15. My therapist confirmed that what had happened was abuse, and I texted him to let him know I didn’t want him to contact me anymore. 

He got engaged last month, which I know because I’m in occasional contact with his now-fiancée, mostly because I want her to know someone will believe her if she ever wants out. It’s weird to know he’s going to get married. It’s weird to think of him being with someone other than me, even though he’s been with his fiancée for almost four years now. For all the fucked up parts, he was still my first love. 

I chose to start this with the quote from “Clean” because I miss him. When Mary Louise Kelly got cussed out by that Trump administration official last fall, I wanted to talk to him about it, because we both listen to a lot of NPR and no one else in my life does, other than my parents. When my mental health took a dip in early June, I wished I could call him, because he was absolute magic when it came to talking me out of a bad headspace. When my mom and I played Scrabble a couple weeks ago, I wanted to text him a picture of the board, because he’s so good at Scrabble and we played it a lot. 

None of that nostalgia means I should let him back into my life. I know that, and I’m not going to get in contact with him. I don’t trust him and I don’t think there’s anything in the world that could change that. I deserved honesty from him, especially when we were dating. I deserved not to have my boundaries pushed during intimacy. I deserved not to be used as an alternative to therapy when he could afford therapy and was just choosing to use me instead. I deserved these things, but I did not get them. He should have done better. 

Ten months sober, I must admit, just because you’re clean don’t mean you don’t miss it. Ten months older, I won’t give in. Now that I’m clean, I’m never gonna risk it. 

[theghostisametaphor]

Got up to episode 25 of Untamed and viewing’s been kind of sporadic and piecemeal for the last week or so but let me just make another bullet list because that’s the best way to convey my thoughts apparently.

Wen Chao’s Evil School for Hostages seems so long ago. those were the good times. so many people weren’t dead. also my god he was so bad at his job. let’s uhhhhh drag all the hostages along to a random cave. things got bad? uhhhhh yeah let’s block all the hostages up in the cave and let them die or whatever. i mean, it’s not like we needed them for anything.

Wen Zhuliu was not paid enough. actually i’m not sure if he was paid at all, but whatever it was it wasn’t enough. i don’t think it’s possible to be paid enough to babysit Wen Chao. 

still delighted abt how fanficcy the whole ‘oh no we’re trapped in a cave for several days, there’s nothing for it but to wallow in sexual and emotional tension’ thing with LWJ and WWX was. also i appreciate that the show was like ‘you may feel the need to watch an amv at this point, but don’t worry, we already put one together for you.’ just an entire fucking music video for the two of them smack dab in the middle of the episode.

he sang him a song

killing a tortoise monster together! just fun couple things.

in all seriousness it’s been so - emotional in a way i didn’t expect to see Lan Wanji getting to be The Love Interest and treated as desirable when he’s low verbal/nonverbal pretty much 24/7, and touch averse, ‘i don’t like people touching me when i don’t know them well’ was such a mood, and usually if there is a character like that, the message is that you have to stop being that way in order to have a relationship or be loved. so yeah. important. 

so the family situation at Lotus Pier was - tense. good to know where all the kids got their Issues from.

Madame Yu was such. an asshole. cool whip though. 

so the show just really tried to break my heart into pieces in the aftermath of losing Lotus Pier, huh. Jiang Cheng is my son and he is not allowed to cry like that, it’s not okay! none of them are supposed to be that sad! 

Wei Wuxian sort of managing to hold it together until Jiang Cheng disappears again and then finally starting to lose it. Freaking out over not knowing whether to trust Wen Ning or not, decision-making ability going to shit, visibly being unable to control his emotions, paranoia etc. 

was really painful, but also really good? idk, it’s just really cathartic to see so many nd-coded characters going through Bad Stuff in ways i can relate to and understand. 

poor Jiang Yanli being like ‘WWX, i already have one brother who can’t get out of bed bc he’s melting down so badly, please do not put yourself in the same state because of hyperfocusing on ‘I Can Fix Everything If I Just Read Enough Books And Also Never Sleep Again’.

(yeah i have some feelings about Jiang Cheng maybe being autistic, which i’m kind of nervous about bc it’s not something i’ve seen other people mention like adhd WWX, or autistic LWJ, but. it’s something i keep coming back to).

Wei Wuxian having that moment where he forgets that Cloud Recesses burned and then being like ‘oh i know! i just need to find Lan Zhan, he’ll help me fix this!’ was just - ouch. 

Wen Qing + Wei Wuxian friendship! research pals!

ditto Wen Ning + Wei Wuxian they’re both so good.

i’d been spoiled for the golden core thing beforehand, so i knew what was going on when WWX was like ‘hm, maybe i know how to fix this’, and that just made it more emotional, honestly. i cried a lot. 

Xue Yang cameo! 

i feel so bad for Jiang Yanli, like ‘yes dear sister we will absolutely always stay together and nothing shall come between us’ i say as i knock you out with sleeping powder so i can send you off in a carriage without involving you in this decision At All. 

i know why you do it, Wei Wuxian, but my god. i would develop severe trust issues. 

Jiang Cheng’s face when he gets a golden core back. tears.

i find it incredibly funny how we just take a brief moment to say ‘oh yes, anyway, there was also this entire military campaign going on while the Yunmeng kids were missing from the main plot. it had a cool name. lots of badass weapon waving. would you like to see Lan Wanji looking very attractive while stepping on a Wen flag? of course you would. anyway back to the important stuff.’

have a lot more ground to cover but i’m getting tired and also have some chores to do so just gonna leave this here for now, and finish catching up to 25 in another post.

(when will the rabbits reappear though, i was sort of disappointed that they didn’t show up in their little rabbit headbands to fight the Wen during the Cloud Recesses battle).

[ladyofpurple]

here it is: the post Literally no one was waiting for. i'd put it under a read more thing but i'm on mobile and can't be assed to get out of bed so fuck it. we air our dirty laundry on main for the world to see like men.

so waaay back in february or something, i started seeing a psychologist again. i'd been seeing a psychologist for a while last year, but she had a private practice and got too expensive over time, so i had to stop. now, however, i finally got a referral to the public mental health offices in my county. which is nice, because norway has this neat thing that means when you go to the doctor, public health care facilities, refill prescriptions for medications you have to take daily, etc, the money you spend on those things gets recorded and after you've spent like $260, you get a free card that gets logged into your medical records and you don't have to pay for any of those things for the rest of the year.

anyway, i mentioned a couple of years back that i finally got put on antidepressants for the first time. they helped a lot, but then i just... stopped taking them. there wasn't a reason, really. i just forgot to take them one week when i was stuck in bed with a headcold, and then it was hard to get back in the habit again. i tried to get back on them off and on for a long time, but i'd inevitably just forget again. until, like, i wanna say november/early december last year? i started taking them again. there were still some slip-ups every now and then, but for the most part i took them almost every day. any gaps were no longer than two, maybe three days at the most, and those gaps were maybe once a month or so on average. averages aren't really useful in this context, but i hope you get the idea.

anyway, i finally convinced my doctor that, no, seriously, i really need to see a psychologist, i've always needed to see psychologists my whole life, seeing psychologists help me, i can't afford a private psychologist so i need a public one, and after a lot of begging and insisting on my end and a lot of hemming and hawing on her end she finally agreed to refer me. except she forgot to actually send the email she'd been typing in front of me, and then she quit, so there was a lot of confusion and time spent sorting things out until i got my first appointment.

i didn't like my psychologist at first. she was way older than i'm usually comfortable with (that's a personal me-problem that i know is irrational, and i'm not gonna go into the why but yes i'm working on it), and very blunt in an exasperated sort of way. she made me angry sometimes. she made me feel like i wasn't trying hard enough. but she helped me get shit done, so i guess she was doing something right.

in june she called in a psychiatrist to help adjust my medications, so i started taking zoloft in addition to the other medication (remeron, aka mirtazapine) that i was already taking. the mirtazapine was helping with my depression, but my anxiety was still pretty bad. the zoloft helped.

by my second appointment with my psychologist, she asked me whether i could have adhd, or if there was a history of it in my family. now, i have a lot of family with adhd (how closely related we are by blood is a bit of a mystery to me, my family tree is more like an overgrown hedge and who knows who fits where), and my grandma used to joke that the women in our family "all have a little bit of that adhd brain in us", but as far as i knew, nobody in my immediate, direct bloodline had such a diagnosis. i had my suspicions about myself, of course — i knew that not every focus or attention related problem necessarily has a specific attention disorder source, but i also knew that what i was experiencing couldn't be "normal," in the sense that if i walked into a room with 100 people in it, 86 of those people wouldn't necessarily look at a list of my symptoms and go "oh same hat." i've had add on my about me for a while now. maybe that was silly of me; i hadn't been diagnosed with it, and what i knew about the specifics of it were picked up piecemeal off the internet. you know, that super-reliable place where everyone is honest and factual all the time?

anyway, this began the process of investigating the merits of such a potential diagnosis. research was begun. questionnaires were taken. my mom was invited to one of my sessions, in which she revealed that, oh yeah, bee tee dubs, she's always suspected i have adhd. did she mention that she has also apparently always suspected ocd and that i'm autistic? no? whoops, well, she has now.

end of june i was referred to the neuropsychologist devision of the public health care place. over the course of a little over 6 weeks i went in for 2 interviews, in which i answered several questionnaires, talked about my life and childhood and traumas and what my mom had told me about her pregnancy and labor, every possible symptom i'd ever had, and was sent home with even *more* questionnaries. in addition to these, i went in for two rounds of "testing," in which i was tested on my memory, pattern recognition, reaction time, impulse control, and probably a dozen other things. i was nervous. it was exhausting. i wanted answers but was terrified of what those answers would be.

end of august, my mom came with me for the big reveal. and guess what? she was right. primary diagnosis: adhd, special emphasis on the attention deficit part. bonus diagnosis: asperger syndrome. surprise! i'm autistic, i guess.

it was hard to come to terms with. which sounds really silly, since i wouldn't have even been taking those tests if i didn't think the outcome was a possibility. and it's not like the diagnoses were surprising either. the adhd part was easier to accept, mostly because i already felt pretty confident i had it. but the asperger diagnosis was harder. having to unlearn all those ingrained ableist stereotypes and social stigmas is hard, especially when you had some you didn't even realize were there. it's very surreal to think a thought and be like "no, wait, i do that. that joke is about me." it's a very surreal and slightly upsetting experience to realize how biased you are as general rule, but especially about a facet of your own identity you weren't aware of. and the feeling of everything and nothing changing all at once. i've always been like this. a doctor telling me i have two cognitive/developmental disabilities isn't an event that magically gave me these disabilities. my brain has always worked like this. the only difference between me now and me a year ago is that i have an official, medical reason for Why now.

that's another thing: coming to terms with the idea of being "developmentally disabled." it's not like i'm suddenly a different person — i have to constantly remind myself that my brain has always been like this. but having a piece of paper confirming that i am legally entitled to special allowances in the workplace or at school because i have not one, but two "disabilities" is absolutely buckwild to me.

it makes me reevaluate my life and my past. how many situations did i make worse because i did not have the capacity or knowledge about how my own brain works to self-reflect? was i high-functioning in the past because life was simpler? was it because i subconsciously had a better handle on what works for me and what doesn't, and somewhere along the way i lost that? or was it simply because i didn't have the option to be anything other than high-functioning? it's confusing.

i also lost my spot at college. i can still reapply next year if i want, but at least now i know why i was failing out lmao

anyway, by my birthday in september we started the process of adjusting my medication again. upping my zoloft, getting me off remeron, and as of 6 weeks ago or so, beginning ritalin.

it was a rocky start, but i'm up to 60mg now. two pills in the morning, one in the afternoon. i have a goddamn alarm for 8am every day, even weekends. my sleeping is still wonky, but at least im genuinely tired by 8pm every night. the psychiatrist still wants me to try melatonin for a month (even though i told her multiple times it has never worked for me, and my problem has never been "i'm not sleepy enough"), so i'm on a whopping 2mg of melatonin for the next 30 days. norwegians are fucking WEIRD about melatonin, don't even get me started.

a slightly unexpected side-effect (on my end) of these medication changes: remeron made me gain weight. like, a lot of weight. and i was constantly hungry all the time, overeating to ridiculous amounts. why did nobody ever tell me that weight gain and metabolism changes are a side-effect of anti-depressants? i was more active this summer than i'd been in, like, three years and i just got fatter. which was incomvenient because i kept outgrowing my clothes. anyway, a side effect of ritalin is a loss of appetite and general weight loss. the combination of regularly taking ritalin and dropping remeron entirely? i eat a fraction of what i used to before, i've almost entirely stopped snacking, and i've lost 15 lbs in less than a month. i've already noticed my face is slightly slimmer now. maybe by christmas i'll be able to fit into my old tshirts again.

anyway, my psychologist quit, so i have a new one now. i've only seen her a few times, but she's veeeery different from my old one. i can't decide if i like her or not.

in the middle of all this, i've been going to the social security office as well to kind of get some of my own money, possibly help me get a job at some point in the future. my caseworker is super nice. if she's over 30 i'd be shocked. i relate to her really well, she's very helpful and understanding, and she's very patient with me and my bullshit. she's the kind of person where if we met at a party or something we could probably hang out.

anyway, she's helped me get out of the house sometimes. she introduced me to this youth club volunteer group thing called the fountain house, designed for young people who've dealt with or are currently dealing with mental illnesses and such. i hung out there yesterday and the day before and did some basic office work. it's nice. and then there's a work placement place that can either give you a job on site in one of their four departments, or help you get a job at an actual business elsewhere with more support and leniency than you might get if they just hired you off the street. i'd start in their second hand store. they clean and restore all donations they recieve, and they're super fucking cheap. i treated myself to my literal lifelong dream of owning a vintage typewriter (!!!!!) yesterday, because it's almost christmas and goddammit, i've been doing so much shit the past couple of months i deserve it. do i have space for it? not really. do i have a plan on what to use it for? no. was it heavy and miserable trekking through the snow and rain yesterday back and forth? was it worth the backache in the morning? fuck yeah it was.

a fucking lot of things are happening all at once. diagnoses, medications, lifestyle changes, work placement, social clubs, dealing with bureaucracies on all sides just so i can feel like a person again, not to mention juggling hobbies like writing and drawing and maintaining my irl friendships. i'm getting as many balls rolling as i can while i have the opportunity and mental/emotional capacity to, but i'm worried i'll burn out again. i'm stabilizing and slowly building my life back up, but jesus christ it would suck if this stupid house of cards collapsed again. but i'm tentatively optimistic. who knows, maybe it's not to late to course-correct my mistakes.

so long story short, that's why i've barely been active on tumblr for months. that's why i haven't been writing, drawing, or reading fic. it's coming along, but it's slow.

i guess the most important thing is that it's coming along at all.

[brightlotusmoon]

Hello! List 5 things that make you happy, then put this in the ask box for the last 10 people who reblogged something from you! Learn to know your mutual and followers! :3 (don't need to do it if you don't want to)

1. Neurotransmitters working correctly. I can't make my own so I use store bought, it's fine.

2. Cats. My cats. All cats. Kittens. I need a box of kittens, stat.

3. Fanfiction. Ninja Turtles fanfiction. Mikey fanfiction. Mikey angst fanfiction that gives him ADHD and psychic empathy and real emotional intelligence with epic wisdom. I've been doing this for thirty years don't make me stop now, it's how I cope. I love my sunshine child.

4. Chocolate. Preferably just plain milk or dark. Do you have any?

5. Being loved and loving in return. Hugs, give me hugs. It's dopamine, I crave it. Yes, I'm one of those autistics who loves hugs, big tight hugs that can soothe my ADHD crow brain because I get to focus on the shiny that is you rather than the shiny that is oh shit is that the depression shadow monster lurking back there.

-

I don't know who to tag but they're probably other people in the TMNT fandom. I dunno.

This fandom makes me happy. It's not toxic like some people assume, it never was, not in the thirty years I've been involved. It just occasionally has some folks who get brought in by newer iterations who start bullying thus spreading toxicity a little, usually over headcanons where the characters represent marginalized identities, which doesn't make any sense because these characters aren't even human and are animal based mutants specifically turtles which let's face it will do all sorts of bizarre things and don't need to be compared to humans who naturally fuck up each other just because someone doesn't look or behave certain ways.

I prefer corvids. And felines. And vulpines. My first real online fanfic OC* was a mutated calico cat human with my own disabilities and orientations and I made her into Mikey's best friend and then surprise lover and then surprise polyamory, because my writerbrain is Like That a lot.

I have a new OC who is a fennec fox humanoid mutant again same hat as the other and I wish I could eat strawberries all day and bounce around and nibble a person's hand to show I love them. I nibble my own hand when I'm anxious, but I'm autistic ADHD and that's stimming and it's my hand though. Oh, and a human OC, same hat, for another AU. Which reminds me that AU fics are Alternate Universe headcanons and not canon thus why the heckity hells do people threaten each other anyway, it's fantasy and we don't own it, we just play pretend and share it with each other in the hopes that we're not alone in wanting to commiserate all these nifty ideas and theories and squee when we connect and curl up when we get scolded; and the very fact that we get threatened because we have shared fiction ideas that will never work out in the real world is a sad fact I still can't wrap my head around, you would think after my literal twenty years on internet platforms I would understand everything but nah. Even the various official creators and different creators coming from fandom into franchise had the same thoughts and I remember the conversations where they said how confused they were too at fans trying to hurt each other, nobody took it so seriously. So I guess what makes me happy is seeing fans open up to each other, make creative content that resonates, rising above bullying that comes from the bullies' own fear and revulsion and hatred and conflation of ideas that shouldn't be the same but they're probably sheltered and naive anyway so I don't hate back, I was sheltered too and I'm still naive. And it's funny and weird how I easily lose working memory yet random long term storage memories keep surfacing. What makes me happy is that I still have a whole mind, full of stuff, brain all wrinkly with knowledge which makes me think of Jason from The Good Place talking about how smooth brains don't have much knowledge or information, and there goes my crow brain again, I really think I want to nickname ADHD and change it to Cognitive Attentive Tempo Syndrome, I have CATS in my brain, my brain is a Kinetic Cognitive Style room full of cats and there's toys everywhere.

I'm happy my disabled body is still standing and moving after forty years since my birth at 26 weeks back when nobody knew anything, and in a couple of months it'll be 41, and there will be even more information and education and I want to be a test subject, an example, of living fairly well past the life expectancy that they used to assume for cerebral palsy and for autism and for ADHD all separate so imagine it all at once, and the neoteny that comes with each, plus now EDS, and wow I'm giving myself so much serotonin just thinking all this, because there's also major depressive disorder that hell might be cyclothymia I dunno I'll talk to my doctors, and then there's temporal lobe epilepsy that a lot of people just die from at all ages, and I've become such an advocate and activist and alive and forever pro choice and autonomy, and my parents still adore the hell out of each other and me, and I'm teaching them through my advocacy just as they taught me, and I don't think I could ever do public speaking but maybe in a nursing college, a disability advocate speaker? Because there is always everything to learn and relearn and discover and uncover and it's important to be able to change our minds and our thinking and our habits and our coping strategies and our understanding of how things work because nothing is static everything progresses, even cerebral palsy which is surprisingly a thing that while static and progressive still leads to changing neurobiological and neuromuscular updates via neuroplasticity, my physical therapist calls me unique among all his patients, a Variable when there shouldn't be, and it makes me happy that we are discovering things about my neuropsychology and musculoskeletal system that nobody ever considered, and I want to be around to see medical science make all sorts of conclusions that could help others like me.

What makes me happy is learning, connecting, passing on knowledge, being cautiously optimistic in this nihilistic sense of how everything matters in the nothingness where nothing matters intrinsically but each small thing matters on the surface, extrinsic, how it is seen and felt and considered. People forget what existential nihilism supposed to mean. I may not matter in the totality, but I matter in the little bits that count for others like me, and that makes me happy.

[billgavemeextrachips]

A couple weeks ago, I read a few absolutely lovely Good Omens fanfictions with autistic characters. A few fics where Aziraphale was autistic; one human AU where both Zira and Crowley are autistic; and a South Downs fic where they befriend an 8-year-old autistic boy.

I found myself relating to some but not all of the challenges the characters face when dealing with strangers and/or the busy outside world. Not for the first time in my life, I wondered if I’m autistic. But there are also quite a few autistic traits that don’t fit me at all...

I already have a diagnosis of social anxiety, but I had a few symptoms that didn’t fit what I knew about social anxiety. So I decided to do some research. I wanted to see if my understanding of social anxiety symptoms needed tweaking; or if there were specific conditions out there for only those “extra symptoms,” which could be comorbid with anxiety. I figured that would be more parsimonious (and clinically useful) than thinking of myself as “kind of autistic in some ways but definitely not in others.”

At this point I’m fairly certain I have Auditory Processing Disorder. My therapist has encouraged me to get assessed for it, and we’ll make a plan together depending on the results.

I’ve also been reading up on selective mutism. I only learned today that 1) you can have selective mutism as an adult, even if you’re not autistic or a trauma survivor; and 2) my inability to make eye contact when anxious is very common in selective mutism.

It also helped me a great deal to check out the selective mutism tag here on tumblr, and not just the Google results. Tumblr brought a dose of humor, and the perspective of adults with SM; Google was very clinical and, at first blush, made me think, “Oh, this is a kids’ disease; I’m such a weirdo for thinking I might have it at 31.”

It actually occurred to me today to research SM after I left the Unitarian Universalist church I’m thinking of joining. All morning, I was flustered when I had to speak, and mostly giving one-word answers. I thought, “I’d love to stay for Bingo if I just had a giant enamel pin that said something like HIGH ANXIETY WEEK, CAN’T TALK MUCH, STILL HAPPY TO SEE YOU.” Perhaps getting the correct diagnosis, and sharing it with my new friends in what has turned out to be a super nice and accepting group of people, would be akin to wearing said pin?

(Maybe we could still have pins or stickers like that made at some point? I know there’s a teenager with social anxiety in the congregation, as well as an autistic boy, who is verbal some of the time. That makes 3 people- out of a congregation that tops out around fifty people- who might find it useful... But I’m getting ahead of myself.)

I’m thinking of going to my primary care doctor about both of these concerns. My only worry is that she’ll go straight to “aww, are you struggling with the anxiety? Let’s up your Lexapro!”

Despite the stresses of this time of year, I actually feel pretty good and in-control of my life (when I’m not in social situations that trigger my APD- and SM-like symptoms, or worrying about said situations.) I don’t want to up my antidepressants when the problems seem to have a strong situational basis. I’d much rather educate myself and the people around me and maybe finally have a medically-backed reason to never answer the telephone at work again. I’m also pretty sure these symptoms will become less frequent when the sunlight comes back, and when my ankle heals enough for me to exercise again. In the meantime, it makes no sense for me to either 1) go on more drugs than needed, or 2) suffer, when I could create a non-chemical safety net instead.

Anyway... Not sure exactly where I was going with this, except that

1) Tumblr posts and fics about mental health, while imperfect, are still such a neat tool for people to find out more about themselves. 

2) I was afraid for many years to seriously look into whether I’m autistic, because most of the time I suspected the answer was “no,” and when I sometimes wondered otherwise, I then blamed myself for being appropriative or overdramatic. However, when I finally did look into it, as well as talk to my therapist and do some journaling, I realized that I did have some very valid unexplained/untreated symptoms that were pulling me in that direction. Even though the answer ended up being “no, I’m not autistic,” my considering the possibility was still a good thing.

3) I have friends on here who might want to know what’s up with me lately. So there it is. <3

[canyouhearthelight]

The Miys, Ch. 26

I know the last few chapters have posted earlier in the day, but I’m excited I at least got this up on the right day. Yay!!

Life has been going on over here, and it keeps happening... Which is a hazard of living, right?  Better than the alternative.

As always, feedback is a glass of wine and dark chocolate for me (which I love, sincerely), so please leave any feedback you may have!

After a mild panic, the Council was able to calm down everyone who heard Tyche’s exclamation of poisoned food.  Grumbles were still plainly audible, but any rioting had been averted for the moment.  We had no choice but to clarify and explain what we suspected, but begged everyone not to let the information out until an official statement had been released.  Huynh had suggested blocking everyone’s communications access, but the idea was – thankfully – shot down immediately.  

Once all the food and drinks were tested, Miys was able to determine that anything not sealed had been tampered with.  It was no surprise that nearly everyone on Level One had traces of the drug in their systems, the only exclusions being Derek and Maverick.  Derek, I knew all too well, had severe aversions to food textures and mainly lived on what amounted to granola bars and room temperature bottled water, so the fact that he didn’t have any hydrocodone in his system was almost expected and confirmed that it was only being put in the food.

I motioned for Maverick to sit down with me and Antoine.  After some debate on what amounted to a criminal investigation, Eino had pointed out that I had the most experience of the people present when it came to interacting with anyone on the autistic spectrum.  Antoine was with me in his capacity as a companion, as he would be the least threatening back up I could have with me while still being more than capable of intervening if it became necessary.

“What did the short you say about poison?” Maverick asked almost immediately, eyes wide with mild panic.

“Someone put Vicodin in most of the food and drinks,” I explained.  I didn’t see any point in sugar coating it, having noticed in the past couple of days that Maverick was nearly impossible at picking up on subtlety. “Most of us have had symptoms, and Miys tested us.  They say the majority of us have enough in our blood to affect us.  You don’t, and I need you to explain why.”

He relaxed immediately, to my shock. “Is that all?  I’ve only had bottled water and black coffee since I came up here,” he shrugged like it was no major deal.

Antoine’s eyebrows furrowed.  “You are saying that, in nearly forty-eight hours, you have not eaten a single thing?”

“Well, yeah,” came the response, as though it should be obvious. “I didn’t like any of the food that was brought in, so I didn’t eat.  I’ve been taking supplements!” he declared defensively as I started scowling when I found out he hadn’t eaten.  “It happens, like, a lot, so I always carry them with me just in case.”  He took the bottle out of his jacket and rattled them for emphasis before handing them to me.

A glance at the label gave me the impression that they were just robust multivitamins. I handed them to Antoine, knowing he would have a better idea of what he was looking at.  He nodded and confirmed. “They’re just vitamins, but these are for geriatric patients?”

With a shrug, Maverick stated matter-of-factly, “Those are designed for people who don’t eat enough to meet their basic requirements.  Usually, yeah, it’s old people, but I end up missing meals pretty frequently, so those are the best ones.  That’s what the doctor told me back on Earth.”

To say I was horrified was a dramatic understatement.  How long had he been just skipping meals because he had what sounded like food aversions?  “Maverick. Jake. You can just tell me what you like, and I’ll make sure we have food for you. I do it all the time for Derek, and for his friend Sam.  Hell, I do it for anyone just about.  You don’t have to starve yourself and live on multivitamins and water.”

“Nah, I know I’m being a pain in the ass about food.  It’s fine, really. But please top calling me Jake.  It’s legally Maverick.  I changed it.  I earned the name Maverick.”

I was so confused.  “But you introduced yourself as Jake?” I asked.

He shrugged. “Terran Defense never updated my records, so they are all under that name. I wanted you to be able to find them. But it’s not my name.”

Oh.  I was starting to get angry, not at him, but at the people who made him so nonchalant at the sheer level of fuckery people had used in regard to him in the past.

“Can you go get Derek?” I asked Antoine quietly before looking back at the pilot on the opposite side of the table. “You aren’t being a pain in the ass.  I believe that you’ve been told that for a very long time, but that doesn’t make it true, and it certainly doesn’t make it right.  I am the one who will be deciding what food is brought up from now on, and Miys will be testing it.  So, if I say you can ask me for whatever you will actually eat, no one else gets a say in that.  Does that make sense?”

“Whatever,” he grunted.

I was saved by the arrival of Antoine and Derek. “Maverick Okima, I would like to formally introduce to Derek ‘That Guy’ Okafor, scourge of sysadmins everywhere. Derek, I am trying to convince Maverick that it’s okay to ask for different food if he doesn’t like what we are bringing in.” I focused on using Maverick’s own term – don’t like – rather than calling it a food aversion, mainly because I wasn’t sure he had ever had the difference explained to him from what few clues I was able to pick up.

<Sophia’s okay> Derek signed. <She likes feeding us food we like.  She says if we don’t like it, there isn’t a point in having food to begin with.>

Maverick looked very confused.  “My father said something like that before he died.  It’s a very Japanese thing to say.”

I pointed at my face. “Cajun, among other things.  I do not believe in ‘eating to live’. In my family, we live to eat.  The short me, as you call her, is gluten intolerant, some of my family doesn’t like spicy food, I love spicy food, so does Antoine.  I still manage to make one meal a week for all of us, cooked by hand I might add, and try to include Derek as much as possible when he feels up to.”

Derek snapped to get Mavericks attention before adding, <No spicy, no sour, no squishy.>

“He likes food with firmer textures,” I clarified on the ‘squishy’ comment. “Nothing mushy, or creamy, no cake, ice cream, or gelatin, that kind of thing.”

“Don’t you get mad that they’re picky?” Maverick asked, still suspicious.

I shook my head vigorously. “Absolutely not.  It’s a challenge, and if they don’t like it, that’s a failure on my part, not theirs.”

“She makes very good turkey,” Antoine mused before smirking. “Although her sister makes amazing doughnuts.”

<The mushy fish was gross.> Derek wrinkled his nose in an exaggerated fashion.

I just rolled my eyes. “I literally told you that you wouldn’t like it. I don’t like poached fish because of the texture.”

That seemed to be the comment that Maverick needed to hear. “Wait. You cooked something you don’t even like for someone else, because they wanted it?”

“Kind of?” I squeaked uncertainly. “Arantxa over there.  She didn’t ask for it, but as a holiday gift from me to her, I learned how to make one of her native dishes. I had no clue that it was poached fish when I made that decision. But she mentioned it the day I met her, and also that she didn’t know how to make it….” I trailed off and shrugged. “Personally, I like my fish seared, grilled, baked, or sashimi.  Poached is just… too weird for me.”

Antoine nodded very seriously. “It was very good, as a person who does like poached fish.”

“Rants seemed to like it,” I shrugged again. “All that mattered.”

“So, if I wanted mochi, because I didn’t get any the first time, that would be okay?” Maverick asked tentatively.  “Even red bean mochi?”

I moaned, “Oh my gosh, absolutely yes.  If there were any red bean mochi last time, I am sorry to say I didn’t get any.  You and I can just hog them all.”

<Hide them from Zach,> Derek joked. <I think he ate most of the gross dumplings last time.>

“Heathen,” I muttered jokingly.  It was really no surprise that Derek didn’t like mochi.  Glutenous foods definitely fell in the category of ‘squishy’.  I patted Maverick on the arm gently. “Okay, I’m pretty convinced you didn’t drug the food, mostly because you’re a terrible liar, which is something to be proud of.  On the food thing, please just make me a list of foods you like, or at least a list of stuff that makes you not like certain foods, and I will happily make sure to take that into account.  Real quick, though, I’m about to put in the request for tomorrow, so other than mochi, what do you want? Try to give me as many things as you can think of off the top of your head, because I want to be sure it’s in the system.”

“Miso soup, for sure.  Boiled eggs? Scrambled eggs are weird, but I don’t know if the consoles can do boiled eggs, and I never asked. Savory crepes are good, though. Ooo! Pizzza!  I love pizza, especially anchovy.  I know a lot of people think it’s gross, but it’s really good, I swear. Fried pies are good, too.”

“So, strongly flavored, savory and/or salty dishes.  Got it,” I murmured as I made a note in my data screen. I flicked my wrist absent-mindedly to dismiss it before musing “You probably would have liked the bacalao al pil pil.”

“Is that the mushy fish thing?” he asked skeptically.

“Yep.”

“Nope. I can’t do mushy fish. Mushy means it isn’t cooked right, which means I’ll get sick.”

I chuckled. “I totally agree.  The good news is, at least now I have someone other than Tyche to share pizza with!”

“No one else likes pizza!?” he gasped. “No way! That’s sacrilege!”

“Oh, tons of people like pizza,” I assured him. “But Tyche is the only other person I met who likes anchovy pizza.”

“They’re stupid. It’s awesome!”

I shot him a look. “Please don’t call people stupid because they don’t agree with you. It’s rude, and I can’t stand rude people.” It was a slight exaggeration; I had a pretty flexible definition of what was and wasn’t rude, but calling someone names because they disagree with you definitely fell firmly in the rude category.  “A lot of people don’t like fish, or can’t have too much salt, or just don’t do well with really strong flavored foods.” I nodded toward Derek, who flipped Maverick the bird.

“Okay, okay,” he apologized. “That was wrong of me. I didn’t think of that. Still, it’s really good.”

“Well, you have two other people to eat it with now,” I smiled.

Rather than celebrating, Maverick looked like he just realized something. “Wait.  Who is Tyche?”

“My sister.”

“You – Wait. That’s short you?”

“Yes, and for the love of whatever your favorite body part is, do not call her that to her face.”

“Noted,” he nodded seriously and gulped. “She’s scary.  Like, scarier than you, scary.”

<Be nice. They own the cat.> Derek warned him, slapping him lightly on the arm.

“I like Mac,” he considered. “I guess that makes you less scary.  I’m still pretty sure your sister could kill me, though.”

By this point, Antoine looked completely confused. “Why is everyone afraid of Tyche? I don’t understand.”

<Why aren’t you afraid of her?> Derek rebutted.

I shot Antoine a dirty look before he could reply. “I have absolutely zero desire to hear whatever tooth-rotting, fluffy nonsense is about to come out of your mouth,” I told him flatly.  The last thing I wanted was him to accidentally de-fang my sister’s well-earned reputation.

He balked slightly before straightening his shoulders. “Fine. I will let them be afraid of her. I was just going to say I’m not afraid of her because I am her partner, just like you are her sister. And Maverick has three other people to eat the anchovy pizza with.” He pointed to himself. “You never asked me, Sophia. Do you really think Tyche would not have me try it?”

I held my hands up placatingly. “Fair, fair.  I didn’t know you had tried it since the last time I mentioned it.”  I turned back to Maverick. “So, now that we’ve established your alibi - can’t consume drugs when you aren’t consuming anything at all - I’ll have Grey and probably Pranav fact-check it, just to completely rule you out as a suspect, okay?”

“Yeah,” he exhaled in what sounded like relief.  “Do you think it will take long? I have to pilot the ship to Meenie pretty soon, and I don’t know if they’ll let me while they’re doing all that?”

“That’s honestly Xiomara’s call, since we decided the flight crew fall under her jurisdiction.  It shouldn’t take more than a day, but I understand that we only have a couple hours before we’re done at Eenie, right?”

He nodded enthusiastically. “Can you check with Councillor Kalloe, please?” he begged. “I don’t want my flight privileges revoked.”

“You bet. Antoine, are we done here?”

He gestured affirmatively. “I don’t know what else we can do right now, so yeah, I would say we are done. You,” he pointed sternly at Maverick, “will eat.  I will send Noah for the food myself. It is not safe for you to do something as important as piloting a ship when you have been starving yourself, but I also do not want to make you sick. You said you like miso soup, yes?” When Maverick nodded, Antoine stood. “I will ask our host to get miso soup, and I will watch you eat two hundred milliliters before you pilot. Sophia, if you could relay this to Councillor Kalloe when you speak to her, please?”

“Absolutely,” I agreed.

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[jazy3]

Thoughts on Grey’s Anatomy: 15X23

I really loved this episode! It was fast paced, the storylines were interesting, and we got to see Meredith be a badass again! More of this please! It actually makes me excited for next week’s episode and the finale! I haven’t been excited to watch Grey’s in a while so this is awesome!

We open with a scene of Zola, Bailey, and Ellis eating breakfast while Meredith packs their lunches and Amelia chats with her. The kids are so cute! I love that we’re seeing them more this season! After Amelia makes a comment about DeLuca Zola clues in and starts teasing them about having boyfriends. Zola always knows what’s up! Also, Zola has on a Pom Pom unicorn necklace! Which is super cute and adorable and I totally want one! Based on this conversation we find out that apparently Meredith and Amelia had the ‘this is who I’m dating now’ conversation and we didn’t get to see it. Which is a total and complete rip off!

Maggie comes in. She’s freaking out because Jackson asked her to move in with him and she’s deflecting that onto Amelia and Meredith. Jeez. There’s an adorable conversation where Amelia says that Meredith looks happy and they talk about how weird that is. Cut to the hospital, Amelia, Link, and a still depressed Jo are talking at the coffee stand. Owen walks up with Leo and when he figures out that Amelia and Link are a couple, he is a huge asshole to her like always. I hate him! Can they please write him off? For the love of toast?

Maggie freaks out when she sees Jackson at work because she clearly doesn’t want to move in with him. Take a hint Jackson. Also don’t spring big decisions like that on the person you’re dating. Especially a control freak like Maggie. Over at the Denny Duquette Memorial Clinic DeLuca and Alex treat a little girl named Gabby. She’s in pain and needs treatment because she’s one of the many kids who have been kept in cages by Immigration under the Trump administration. I can’t believe I just had to write that sentence. What kind of world do we live in when our neighbours are putting kids in literal cages and separating families? This whole thing is sick.  Her loving father can’t afford the treatment she needs, but clearly wants her to get better so the doctors have to get creative.

Meanwhile Teddy and Owen receive an incoming trauma. It’s Schmitt with Chief Ripley of Station 19! I like how Schmitt is improving as a doctor. He’s really growing on me this season. Maggie’s been paged because Ripley’s having heart problems. The Station 19 crew come to see him. Schmitt has some great lines in the exam room and Owen gets a pretty good zinger in on Warren about people dating their Chiefs. Tom comes in to the ER and makes Teddy laugh. I like them together! And Teddy’s due in three weeks! Finally! It feels like she’s been pregnant forever!

He asks to stay for the birth. Teddy says yes. Owen walks up and Tom pokes him and is his usual self. I love him! Schmitt comes to see Nico and tries to talk to him. Nico is still frosty and acting like a jerk. Ripley’s getting a CT scan. Owen and Amelia talk in the scan room. Owen tries to talk to Amelia about Link and calls their relationship a secret. She calls him on his crap like the badass she is! Telling him he doesn’t get to ask her about that kind of thing anymore. He tells her she’s overacting like the gaslighting a*hole he is. God I hate him. She tells him he doesn’t get to say things like that either. He keeps pushing, but Amelia stands strong and stays firm. He doesn’t get to have an opinion on this and he needs to shut up and stop talking. Yes! Amelia! You go! Owen needs to screw off and leave and never come back.

Jo is building Legos with Gus, Alex’s autistic patient with the rare blood. A nurse tells Jo there’s a phone call for her. The caller is looking for Alex. It’s about the rare blood they need. A hospital in Winnipeg, Manitoba, Canada has a patient who can help. She goes to find Alex. Side note: I love that they are mentioning Canada more the last two seasons! Although it would be great if they would include the city, province/territory, and country as that’s how it’s said in real life. Meanwhile Meredith is consulting’s on Gabby’s case. We find out that Gabby is Ellis’ age as Meredith makes small talk. She also might need surgery.

Jo runs into Gus’ Mom on the way to tell Alex. In her excitement she tells her they’ve found a donor. This will come back to bite her in the ass later. Meanwhile we find out that Ripley needs open heart surgery. He wants to go see Vic first. That’s not possible given his condition. He’s not happy about it. He orders the firefighters out. Maggie doesn’t buy his tough guy act for a second. They have some great banter.

Tom and Teddy talk some more about houses in the scan room. I love Tom’s line, “Okay so something more Germanic.” He loves her so much! Gabby is getting a CT scan. Alex and Meredith talk in the scan room about her situation and missing one’s kids. DeLuca comes in and tells them her Dad doesn’t qualify for the state insurance because he makes too much money. Cleaning offices. This is getting out of control.

They find out that Gabby does in fact need surgery. Meanwhile Jo’s on the phone with the hospital in Winnipeg. She finds out the hospital made a mistake. They think Gus is the donor and not the other way around. Maggie treats Ripley some more and they banter about their relationship problems. For some reason when talking about her housing situation Maggie acts like living in Meredith’s heritage home with her, Amelia, and her nieces and nephew who she adores is horrible compared to Jackson’s penthouse apartment. That sounds awesome to me!

Meanwhile Gabby’s father is trying to figure out what to do because he can’t afford her treatment and doesn’t qualify for insurance. Meredith tells him that they’ll take care of it. I love her! Alex tells DeLuca to go prep the patient. As Alex and Meredith walk away Alex turns to her and goes, “You don’t have a plan do you?” I love Alex! I love him and Meredith’s friendship! Jo comes to tell Gus’ Mom the news and overhears her telling her husband on the phone about how great everything is. Jo leaves heartbroken. She’s standing in a hallway when Warren walks by and sees that she’s upset. He tries to talk to her. She refuses and instead runs down the hallway crying. She bumps into Webber who somehow fails to notice this and tells at her to slow down. What a jerk!

Meredith, Alex, and DeLuca prepare to operate on Gabby. Webber walks in concerned about Ellis. We find out Meredith put her name on the insurance forms instead of Gabby’s when DeLuca rats her out. What a jerk! I hate him. Webber’s pissed, but Meredith’s not backing down. There’s no way in hell she’s shipping Gabby off to a county hospital. The system has failed Gabby and her Dad, but Meredith’s not about to. She tells Webber that she’s going to operate and that, “If you’d like to have me arrested when I’m done that’s your call.” Spoken like a true badass! Also, Meredith is wearing her pinky purple scrub cap with the dotted flowers on it today!

Jo goes to Teddy about her mistake. She hopes Teddy can use her military connections to get the blood they need. Teddy tells her everyone in this hospital has called in a favour. The blood is so rare it can’t be found and that’s the problem. Jo starts hyperventilating and Teddy tries to help her and figure out what’s really going on. She refuses and leaves. I like that they are building something here.

Meanwhile Amelia is sitting at a nurses station waiting to hear news about her quadriplegic patient. Owen comes over to talk to her. He wants to talk about the way he acted before about Link. He tells her, “I told you a while back that you were incapable of love, but I’ve been doing some therapy and I’m realizing that I think that it was me that I was talking about not you. And I’m sorry I said that. It’s not true. It’s the opposite of true.” To which Amelia replies, “Thank you.” I’m glad Owen is finally apologizing but that still doesn’t change his years of abuse and violence against women. He tells her Leo misses her and he’d love it if she busted him out of daycare and spent some more time with him. She says she’d love to.

Meanwhile Maggie and Ripley are still bantering. This time about the proposal milk story! They give each other advice. We cut to Gabby’s surgery. They find out they got to her just in time. Whew! They also find out that she has cancer and will need years of treatment. Poor Gabby! DeLuca continues to be an ass and gets on Alex and Meredith’s nerves. Webber walks up to the intercom tells them that he wants to see them after they’re done. DeLuca scrambles to say he had nothing to do with it like an asshole. Webber clarifies that he only wants to talk to Meredith. Seriously why would you spend your whole day intentionally pissing off your girlfriend and her best friend in favour of your boss? He’s such an idiot. Boy bye!

Meanwhile Ben is talking to Bailey about how he’s worried about Jo. Teddy comes in and she also wants to talk to Bailey about her concerns about Jo. We cut to Jo telling Gus’ Mom about the mistake. His Mom is understandably upset then angry. They both begin to cry. His Mom then apologizes and says she was unfair and unkind. Every child deserves parents as wonderful as Gus’! They are kind and they truly love him for who he is. Jo begins crying harder. Gus’ Mom hugs her but slowly realizes something else is wrong. Alex and Bailey arrive to try and help. Alex leads Jo away and Bailey goes to help Gus’ Mom.

Schmitt tries to help Nico some more but Link steps in and tells him to give him space. Webber is yelling at Meredith in his office about the insurance fraud. He’s mad because as part of his AA program he is committed to rigorous honesty. Having to deal with this puts his sobriety in danger and that’s why he’s so pissed. She asks him what he plans to do. He doesn’t know. He says the only thing to do is make Gabby sicker on paper. If she’s in the hospital for 30 days a new state policy automatically kicks in. Why didn’t he just tell her that before they performed the surgery? Meredith is confused because Richard wants her to lie more. Richard says he’s doing it for Gabby and her dad not for Meredith.

Jo is crying on Ben’s shoulder. Alex is yelling in Bailey’s office that he doesn’t know what to do to help Jo. Side note: I love Bailey’s necklace! The necklace game in this episode was on point! Meredith talks to Gabby’s dad about her treatment while DeLuca looks on disapprovingly like a jerk. This causes her to stop smiling. Maggie comes to talk to Jackson and says yes to moving in with him and explains why she didn’t say yes before. Maggie has a great one liner about rom coms! He asks her to come camping with him and says he’ll pro and con with her if she’ll come camping with him. Then Ripley’s labs are back. They are not good.

Amelia’s hanging out with Leo in the Attending’s Lounge. It’s very cute. Link walks in to see if she wants to grab food, but sees she’s already got plans. He talks to Leo and it’s so adorable! He’s really great with kids! I love them together! It’s nice seeing Amelia happy with someone more her speed that’s fun like here! Tom pages Teddy to the scan room. He shows her images of her dream home. He went and found it for her! My heart! He’s rented her an apartment. She loves it! Owen goes to see his therapist. He tells him the treatments are working. He feels clearer and he knows what he wants. He wants to continue the treatments because he wants to feel perfectly clear when he tells her that he loves her.

It’s unclear who he’s talking about. My money’s on Teddy. But it could be Amelia. Or even Cristina or some woman we’ve never seen before. My friend Amy whose not on Tumblr, theorized that they could pull a 180 on us and he could be referring to a family member and he could want to tell them he loves them before he makes a big life change like re-enlisting or something like that. Honestly, I wouldn’t put it past them. Some people Twitter users pointed out that this scenario seems unlikely because of Leo and Teddy’s baby, but having him declare his love to one of the women he’s already been with and said that too seems too simplistic for Grey’s. There’s also not a lot of drama there. I hope if it’s Teddy, Amelia, Cristina, or some other woman they tell him to go duck himself! Because that is what he deserves!

DeLuca’s alone in a patient room at the clinic. Meredith comes to talk to him. She tells him she made a call today and she knows he has a problem with it, but she would do it again. What a Badass! Meredith tells him she cannot and will not apologize for it and she’s not going to change. DeLuca tells her that’s not the problem. DeLuca says he spent the whole day thinking about how Gabby’s situation could have been his if he was born in Honduras instead of Italy. That doesn’t fit his behaviour at all but okay. He tells her he’s in awe of what she did today. He says he was afraid if he opened his mouth the only thing that would come out is ‘I love you’. At which point he actually says it and tells her he loves her. Oh boy.

They’ve only been dating for a few months and already he’s decided she’s the love of his life and he loves her. Meredith is having none of that! She stares at him blankly. Then says, ‘Oh.’ Stutters then says, ‘Well okay. Glad we cleared that up.’ Nods then leaves! Haha! Her reaction cracked me up. What an idiot! Welcome back Meredith! I was wondering if this was going to come up at some point.

DeLuca’s been head over heels since the beginning and everyone’s always talking about how he loves her, but never the other way around. DeLuca’s infatuated and convinced himself he’s in love with her. Meredith just sees him as a hot date that’s fun to fool around with. She’s not in love with him. He’s not going to live with her. She’s not marrying this guy. He’s not going to be a step dad to her kids. The only one that thinks that is him. He just got a rude awakening! I hope this is the end and he leaves to do his Fellowship somewhere else next season.

This kind of thing is all relative too. Teddy and Tom have been dating for a similar period of time, but they’re much more serious. It’s all about context. Tom started dating her knowing she was pregnant. They’ve both been married before. They’ve both lost people. Teddy’s lost her husband and Tom’s lost his son and had his marriage collapse as a result. The difference is that Tom shows his love for Teddy instead of saying it. He makes her laugh, buys her things that make her happy or make her life easier, she needs a nice place for her and her baby to live so he goes out of his way to find one for her. He loves and supports her unconditionally and that’s what true love really is. He tells Owen he loves Teddy to get him to back off and stop making Teddy miserable and causing her even more pain. He doesn’t have to tell Teddy, she already knows and vice versa.

You can see a similar situation with Amelia and Link. They are newly dating and so they aren’t there yet, but they are compatible and happy and having a good time. They don’t need to have the ‘this is what you mean to me’ conversation because they show their love, they don’t say it. If you have to say it this early it’s probably doomed or one sided. That’s the problem with big sweeping declarations. They look cool, but they only work if the other person is mutually into it. If not then it falls flat. Like with Meredith and DeLuca. He’s declared his love for her and she does not feel the same way. Which if he was paying attention and wasn’t so selfish and self absorbed he would have picked up on. But he doesn’t and he didn’t because everything is all about him. He assumes Meredith feels the same way or will automatically reciprocate or be wooed by his declaration.

He doesn’t know Meredith at all. It took her a long time to even admit to herself that she loved Derek and wanted to be with him because of everything that had happened. For her declaring that she loves someone and meaning it is a huge deal. It’s not something she takes lightly and it’s not a quick process for her. Some Twitter users also pointed out how alone DeLuca is. At this point he doesn’t have any real friends, he’s given up on Neuro as a specialty for no discernable reason, and is flopping around. He’s only real personal relationship outside of Meredith at this point is his sister Carina. That’s really pathetic. All of Meredith’s friends dislike or are ambivalent towards him. He’s put all of his eggs in one basket without checking if the basket felt the same way.

Meanwhile Maggie and Andy go to tell Ripley about his test results. They find out he’s gone! I watched the Station 19 follow up episode and it was a total letdown. I got super into Vic and Ripley in preparation for the crossover. I watched clips on YouTube and got all caught up and was super pumped. The episode was awful. They created stupid pointless drama with Ripley’s sister and Vic and then they made it seem like they were going to pull a hell Mary at the last second only to kill Ripley off in a super dumb way and have all of the build-up be for nothing.

A character’s death is only poignant if you build the character up over several seasons. Baiting viewers with Vic and Ripley’s romance and then killing him off in the show’s second season before the finale makes no sense. It’s a really cheap ploy that doesn’t come off well and is really bad writing. One of the issues with this too is that now Vic can’t date anyone for a least a season without it being super weird and forced. Grey’s has been battling with this, unsuccessfully, since Derek died. Why the writers looked at that and thought, “Yes, let’s dig ourselves into the same ridiculous hole no reason!” I have no idea.

Grey’s didn’t have a choice. Patrick Dempsey decided to the leave the show unexpectedly and killing him off was the only option that made sense since the alternative was having him leave his wife and children for some research assistant in Washington. That wasn’t the case with Ripley as the actor was still available which makes the whole thing pointless. It also means I have no reason to watch Station 19 now. Unfortunately, the promo for next week’s Grey’s Anatomy episode doesn’t show anything so there’s nothing for me to comment on sadly. Hopefully it’s good! We’ll just have to wait and see!

Until next time.

Au revoir!

[rjalker]

Okay so a couple months ago now, I decided, you know what? I’m sick of dealing with my hair.

So I bought myself a hair cutting kit, and shaved it all off down to this.

And I’m never going back to longer hair.

Why?

Because:

1) It saves me so much TIME in the shower. Shampooing this takes two seconds as opposed to several minutes, and I don’t even need to use conditioner, which takes up several more minutes because you’re supposed to let it sit before you rinse it out.

2) It saves me time getting out of the shower. This takes two seconds to towel dry, and after that? I DON’T HAVE TO TOUCH IT AGAIN FOR THE REST OF THE DAY.

3) Again, with the shower--I’ve had this haircut for several months now (I’d have to check my blog for the actual date of when I cut it cuz hell if I know) and in that time I’ve had a SINGLE bottle of shampoo. That I bought before I cut my hair. And I’m not even halfway through it. It’s the kind with the soap pump on it, and with my hair before, even being as short as it was, I still had to use five or six pumps to properly shampoo my hair. Now? It takes one. A single pump of shampoo, and I’m done.

4) I ride a bicycle to work. Which means I wear a hat. Either to keep my ears warm, or the sun out of my eyes. Either way, before this haircut, that meant hat hair. And especially if I worked early in the morning and my hair was still wet, when I took my hat off after getting to work, my hair would be completely plastered to my head. Which means I’d have to brush or comb it for it to look not-stupid. Which meant I’d have to remember to bring a brush or comb with me everyday. Which I have a habit of losing. Now though? Nothing can ruin this hairstyle.

5) You never realize how in the way your hair is while you’re trying to sleep until you don’t have to worry about it anymore.

6) It’s so freaking soft.

Like, seriously.

The hair cutting kit cost me $15. And it’s so flipping easy to use. I don’t bother trying to make parts of it different lengths, so all I have to do is put on the guard I want (I use #2) and just. Go over all of my head until it’s even. 

I cut my hair once a week, or once every week if I’m feeling lazy, because you’d be surprised how fast it grows back, and I really do prefer it this short. 

So, seriously now, here’s a specific question for any women (or other people pressured into having long hair) reading this post:

Do you constantly have your hair up in a pony tail?  Do you literally only let your hair down to shower or sleep?

Then you really need to try cutting your hair short, because if you never have your hair down, that means you don’t enjoy having long hair.

Because that’s how I was allllll from childhood into highschool before my mom agreed to give me a pixie cut. If I let my hair down it had a wave from being in a ponytail almost 24/7.

And even if you don’t always have your hair in a ponytail?

Ask yourself: is there anything you actively enjoy about having long hair?

If no?

Then try cutting it short. It doesn’t have to be this short, just shorter than what you’ve got. It’ll make your life a million times easier and if you don’t like it? It’ll grow back. Faster than you’d think.

But especially for autistic/depressed/other girls with executive dysfunction:

Try cutting your hair short. It will change your life.