#but like prague was doing some next level shit

[laikahh]

also hey since i mentioned czechia i Need to go back to prague so bad its such a good city. they have such a good zoo

[andmaybegayer]

Look, I'll be honest, I got very little for you here.

Typically around this time of year I'm either still out wandering some wild place in South Africa or I have just got back home from said wandering and either one of those means I've got like, three or four books that I've just finished and a bunch of albums and probably some kind of photographic shenanigans.

These are not happening right now.

I am currently in an apartment in Prague with some visiting family I've been touring around so it is. Different. In light of this fact we're going to do our:

Last First Monday of the Year 2024-01-01

which is going to be a wrap-up of notable entries from 2023. It's true, I got some notes!

Listening (Music):

There is a clear winner for Most Important Album for me this year and that has to be Titus Andronicus putting out The WIll to Live. I picked up Titus Andronicus a few years ago on a rec from a guy on IRC and after putting The Monitor on loop for days I was so down with it. Unfortunately while the rest of their repertoire is honestly really solid punk, The Monitor is truly next level shit. The Will to Live finally closes that gap. It's so good.

There's a lot of good pull songs from this one but I do adore Baby Crazy which is just a breathless rundown of the core philosophy of the album. Part of what links The Monitor and The Will to Live is a very heavy handed metaphorical through line, The Monitor through American Civil War references and The Will to Live through the convoluted nuclear family analogue.

Truly no one is doing it like Titus Andronicus.

Listening (Podcasts):

Noted originator of the new weeklypost tradition @girlfriendsofthegalaxy was always talking about Friends at the Table and so I was like "Hey her taste is pretty good that's probably better than the median TTRPG podcast" and hey. It was. SO much more than I was expecting.

I started with Partizan which was at the time the current season, and hoo boy. F@TT does many things that handily sidestep a lot of my issues with RPG podcasts. By running tight little game systems with strong narrative focus and leaning more into the storytelling side than actual play (while still allowing rolls and player decisions to completely upend the plot) they get into the action quickly, have strong character driven scenes, and manage to hold my attention.

I will be open and say that the politics of Austin Walker's storytelling are very mixed. A lot of people act like these games are incisive political commentary but they only really hit that occasionally, which I think is good. Leaning into the weirdness of these settings is important, and trying to make them cleave too close to modern problems at all times would weaken them, compared to what they actually do well.

What If Han Solo Was Beyoncé. Remember: You Have Beaten Your Worst Days. Destroy Something Instead Of Understanding It.

Within four episodes of the start of Partizan, one half of the game has seen the death of a minor god and started a false flag operation with consequences that would persist to the end of the season. The game systems in play often outright prevent character death in all but the direst situations, but they replace that with dramatic character change. Clem becomes Obsessed, Valence becomes Righteous, Sovereign Immunity becomes Paranoid.

They are definitely playing "for the camera", if you aren't a fan of heavy allusions to other media as part of storytelling you will not like this, but they work it out well. There's a commitment to interesting storytelling that follows well into the next point, which is:

They are very good at getting into characters motivations. Clementine Kesh is despicable, she is terrible, and she's the central focal point of a huge run of Partizan. Hella Varal of the Hieron series is also a spectacularly character-driven entity, frequently a major driving force of the plot, doing things none of the players would really want to have happen. This also applies to Lem King, to an extent.

After catching up with Partizan I went back and I've been running through the backlog. I am almost caught up to Twilight Mirage, I might step out to listen to the current season since it follows directly from Partizan. I'll see.

Reading:

Without a doubt the big one this year was Terra Ignota. Absolutely lodged in my brain forever.

Terra Ignota is like the flipside of the Culture. The Culture assumes that its members are so far gone from their humanity that their utopian issues are almost incomparable to ours. The Hives are instead a utopian society built on a hard break from modernity that has left them very, very vulnerable to our modern problems. The approach Terra Ignota takes to gender, nationality, and family is set up to argue a very interesting case, not that those things cannot be changed, but that you can't just go cold turkey on them.

(The Gender is particularly forceful. Mycroft's haphazard attempts to reverse-engineer gender for his imagined Reader are so good, they perfectly replicate the internal experience of going to a very very queer environment with a brain that was still ultimately wired by the recent past.)

The actual plot of Terra Ignota is kind of secondary to the spectacle of all these Types Of Guys interacting and exposing their internal processes in a way that is so satisfying. The Hives are unusual in part because there's so few that probably appeal to the readers. I don't think pretty much any of Terra Ignota's expected audience have much interest in the Europeans, Masons, or the Mitsubishi, and while some of them might agree with the Brillists they are given so little screen time that it's hard to say. Really it ends up being the Humanist/Utopian debate at its core, with the Cousins there to balance it. As a result it's impressive that by the end I think most people I've talked to are less sure whether they agree more with the Humanists or the Utopians.

Watching:

Arcane, a one that I don't think I talk about too much, in part because it's so tidy. A perfectly wrapped gift of tragedy! Any story where at almost any point a few characters could just talk it out and resolve all their problems but they don't is *chef's kiss* to me. If you like Othello you will love Arcane is what I'm getting at here.

Arcane is such a gorgeous show, dripping with character, every single scene is so carefully considered. There's an extremely long (in time) close shot of Jayce throwing up over a bridge that I think of all the time.

Arcane is so clear and uncompromising in its presentation of its characters. I've said before that there's actually very little character development among any of the main cast, instead the show builds on bringing very strongly defined characters into conflict and exploring what they do next. This works wonderfully.

And the music! I have probably listened to the Arcane soundtrack a little too much. Basically the only time I went on spotify this year was to look at the Radio channels for songs from the soundtrack.

Playing:

Given that I spent so long playing Breath of the WIld this year you'd think it would be that and you'd be dead wrong. Not that great! It's fine! I like an immersive sim open world game but do you know what I actually do when I feel like I want to play a game just for the pure thrill of it. I go open TItanfall 2.

Titanfall 2 is the ideal first person shooter campaign. It is short and sweet and interesting and manages to keep you sufficiently overpowered without making you feel like it's easy. I played the campaign on Hard at the start of the year and it is the shooter I remember shooters I don't actually like as being.

The reason I play first person shooters is for the fast reaction twitch play. I do not care for long kill times, I do not care for gradually plinking enemies down, I do not want to think about a target for more than 5 seconds. Titanfall is absurdly fast if you play it right, you never stop, you optimize for shooting on the run, and you bounce around the field like a pinball. Delightful.

Titan Combat in the campaign is meh, it's so often just a slog against artificially toughened bosses, or figuring out how to deal with those little AI bots. It's fine. I like being a big robot. Titans are probably better in multiplayer. At some point I will install Northstar so I can try multiplayer lobbies.

Tools and Equipment:

The 3D printer! I have been in the orbit of 3D printing types for ages but now that I have one I can see why its an essential tool for so many electronics types. The ability to just Make The Thing You Need is so powerful. Printed items have their limitations but they all pale in relation to "I hit a button and the exact thing I need appears in 2-12 hours".

So many projects stall out because you need a bracket or an adapter or a flange or a box that you know all the specifications for but that will take two weeks to arrive or has to be ordered in batches of 200 or costs 10× as much as you're willing to pay.

My printer is cheap as shit, the Anycubic Neo cuts as many costs as possible without being actively bad, and it's still a great printer. It can do anything I need well enough that I can carry on with the rest of my life. It has the precision to do slip fit parts and even basic materials have the strength for fairly crucial components.

Like, sure, you can make a lot of these things quickly by hand if you have the parts available, but like, even if somehow all your problems can be solved by cutting a PVC pipe to the right size and shape, do you keep all possible dimensions of PVC pipe in a drawer somewhere? No, you run into a problem that needs 60mm pipe and you only have 50mm pipe and now you gotta go to the hardware store and buy 2m of pipe for a project that needs 0.2m of pipe. It is such a problem-solver to be able to fabricate arbitrary complex shapes from plastic stock.

Making:

The big one. The Penrose Quilt.

This took months for me and my mother to put together, and it came out exactly like we hoped. It's so good, it looks incredible, we put it together by hand with needles and thread and time, I sleep under it every night, it is the ideal item. Few things to build your handsewing confidence like backstitching probably over a hundred meters of seams.

This was a really ambitious project and yet we pulled it off. Absolutely ridiculous.

[andreagrimmova]

I know what I wanna feel..and I refuse to settle for less.. no mercy. Too old and too good Psychotherapist to allow repeating lessons that I already passed.. I will never stay in dead relationship full of substitutes for real all in one partner,what friends are.

Scammer Lawless destroyed the impact from this song. Same like Deleasa 👉🚪

If you sing for fans,then ok.. it's enough but if you sing it for Me... you're laughing at My face with this bastard in it. You still don't get it..I don't rise with you and that's wrong. That's why I still wanna go on without you. You're great musician..working hard on himself but I'm still more as solo than in couple. I really don't make excuses..for nobody. It hurts when you gotta go down from own high level.. Jack Lawless is not true friend. Beside the fact that you need him instead of Me. I'm tired of repeating it. I'm perfectionist. Especially when We talk about purity in life. Pure intentions,pure head,pure body.. it's not enriching Me to watch your social media, it's full of garbage sold as treasure. Far away from the way I communicate. It's not matching. So I'll go.. it's ok..do it your way. If you're happy, it's right .. beside this all you communicate with all. Not only with Me,so your posts simply don't give Me enough.. stop sleeping on it. I want and need more..

Stay safe and I'll do the same ..thank you for understanding. I don't like Deleasa, I don't like Jack Lawless and I don't like Ji. That's why I won't come to the Prague. It's simply humiliating Me. Those bastards have Me as their doormat..you can't be serious if you expect opposite from Me..and if yes,it only proves how down you yet are. I'm sorry.. I won't return the ticket, I'll save it as reminder what I could have if you valued Me more.. I think I made Myself clear. Stop saving My posts into your accounts. I need to sleep.

Do you like it?? Your I'm sorry they hacked it gives Me nothing when I see them the same bastards beside you. It's all like a bad joke. My life is too short and precious for this..

Next time maybe try to sing song from dead artist or from very old.. because artists currently living and in your age will use it for own profit and destroy art and its impact. I thought you know it after so many years in showbiz. And I will have finally rest from laughing at My face because that's what I really don't deserve. That's simply wrong feedback for what I am..and now excuse Me.. I'll be again gone from social net for some time because I gotta get back on My frequency 1565Hz. I'm ok.. I'm just different .

And maybe you never talked to Me...maybe you only don't wanna shit into your social net account to send Me fuck off because you would have annoying media around. Because you wanna look cool.. it's better for upcoming album. Maybe I'm another from annoying fleas pretending some connection .. I don't even know you. We have never met. Happy ending is not happening..

Do you like it?? I think so. So I will return to My work.. thank you.. if I will ever yet hear " whom are you talking to" I'm sending you fuck off. Clean your own table or I'll reset you.

[edie-baby]

Les Fleurs du Mal Chapter 1| Pierre Gasly

Summary: Sava Dvorakova had big dreams for Formula One. An opportunity of a lifetime comes around, so she takes it and runs. She proved just about everyone wrong, and is awarded a very controversial seat on the F1 grid. There’s smiles and grins, hugs and kisses, love and laughter. There’s tears and sobs, fights and break ups. There’s evil where you least expect it, hidden in the garden of eden. The Flowers of Evil.

Warnings: a lot of swearing, shitty parents (they’re a recurring theme), sexism, i ignored a lot of actual f1 rules because i couldn’t be bothered writing it into the story tbh, yuki is fcking adorable, a lot of smut eventually, like a lot.

There were hundreds, thousands, maybe even a million girls who have dreamed of making it into Formula One. It is the pinnacle of motorsport, the highest calibre and the most competitive of its many engine-based counterparts. Many women over the years have tried to make their way into the sport, but as each season becomes more competitive, it seems as though the women of motorsport keep slipping through the cracks. Perhaps it’s a timing thing - they weren’t in the right place at the right time - or perhaps it’s a sexism thing, or maybe the female drivers just simply are not at the same level that a lot of the men are at.

Sava Dvorakova feared being one of those women. One that would try their hardest, but were still unable to make their mark on a sport they had very clear passion for. The seventeen year old had been karting since her fifth birthday, progressing through the levels the Czech Republic had to offer before she moved onto European championships. Nearly every weekend of the year, Sava was in her kart, racing against boys three years her senior and thrashing them each time. However, she didn’t get the opportunity to progress into single-seaters for many years.

It was September 2020, just like any other race weekend when it happened, Sava piled into her kart as the marshalling for her heat was called. Her uncle patted the top of her helmet for good luck, a tradition the two had kept for about twelve years at this point, and she made it out onto her starting place - pole position as usual. Sava pulled clean moves the entire race, defended her position without being reckless or desperate, and had perfect pace. As she pulled back into the pits under her team’s marquee, she spotted her uncle speaking with an older man in a button up and slacks, something quite odd for a normal karting weekend. Sava hopped out, practically ripping her helmet and balaclava off as her footsteps increased in pace to get to her uncle. He scooped her up into a hug, spinning the girl a few times and congratulating her on another victory for the season.

“Bunny, this is Doctor Helmut Marko, he’s the director of Red Bull Racing. He’d like to speak with you about a driving opportunity.” Sebastian, her uncle, stated clearly, his excitement spilling into his eyes as he stared at his seventeen year old niece. Her dyed-pink hair sat matted to her forehead, the majority of it spun into Dutch braids down her back that would be tucked into the back of her race suit before the next race, her cheeks were flushed red, and her bottom lip was cracked in places from how much the Czech nibbled on it on and off track. Sebastian almost laughed at the situation she had ended up in.

“Dr Marko, it’s lovely to meet you. I have an hour until my next heat, so if you would like to speak urgently, there is a small cafe about a hundred metres from the track. If you’d like less of a time constraint, I will be completely free after 4pm today.” Sava told the man in front of her, Czech accent so thick the Austrian could barely understand her.

“It should only take about 10 minutes, so if you’d like, I can buy you and your uncle a coffee at the cafe while we speak.” Dr Marko offered. Sava nodded calmly, her uncle much more vocal about his excitement. Sava excused herself to change into less sweaty clothes, returning in a halter-neck singlet and a pair of ripped skinny jeans. Her trusty combat boots stepped over all of the tools, debris, and shit that was scattered around the pits as she made it back to the two men.

“So, Sava, what is your goal in karting?” Dr Marko began almost immediately after the trio had sat down in the cafe.

“To make it into formula one and win multiple world championships.” Sava responded confidently, barely a second between the question and her reply as it was something she had thought about for a very long time.

“So why aren’t you already driving in single seaters?” Dr Marko questioned further, and from the corner of her eye, Sava could see her uncle tense up.

“Because no one’s willing to give me a chance in the big leagues because they know I’ll do a lot better than half the boys on the grid.” The seventeen year old replied. Helmut seemed impressed with the rapid fire, confidence laden responses he was receiving.

“Well, I’m willing to. Jehan Daruvala, a Red Bull junior currently driving for Carlin in formula two is unable to attend the last three races of the season because of health issues. I want you to take his seat for those races, and if you’re as good in a single seater as you are in that kart, I’ll make sure you have a seat for next year.” Helmut laid out, and Sebastian audibly choked. Sava smirked at her uncle’s reaction, and stared into the eyes of the man offering her a fast track to her dreams.

“I’d love to. When and where is the next race?” Sava chuckled, her uncle’s recovery from his choking fit was slow, and Helmut looked on in amusement. He had seen many similar reactions from the drivers he was propositioning, but it seemed as though this duo had reversed the normal roles.

“The weekend begins on Thursday in Italy. You’ll be racing in Mugello.” Helmut told the pair dryly. Sebastian began coughing once again, Sava simply rubbing his back soothingly while she nodded.

“I’ll need to make arrangements with my school, but I presume you’ll make travel and accommodation arrangements from Prague to Mugello?” Sava continued her calm conversation, though she could feel her natural bubbliness and excitement ready to burst through.

“Yes. There will be a Carlin race suit and boots in Mugello when you arrive, as well as a helmet and teamwear. You’ll have a personal assistant for the time you’re in Jehan’s seat, to keep up with the media and to navigate the paddock. I’ll have all of the relevant information forwarded to you tonight, and there will be a contract for you to sign upon your arrival in Italy.”

“Then I’ll see you there, sir. I best be on my way, I’ll need time to change back into my race suit before my heat is called in about half an hour. It was lovely to meet you, and I look forward to meeting and exceeding your expectations.” Sava concluded, standing up to give her new boss a handshake before she turned on her heels and practically sprinted out of the cafe. She speed walked back to the track and into the changing rooms before letting out the ear splitting squeal she had been holding in since she won her race forty five minutes ago.

It was easy enough to sort out her absence with her school, as there were no assessments due and Sava was already miles ahead of the rest of her peers, so her teachers had no qualms with letting their champion out to represent the country.

The issue however, was with her parents. Her father, a man she had been emancipated from for over a year, decided he would give her grief for throwing away her education to take someone’s spot for a few weeks before they would inevitably drop her once they realised how bad she was. Her mother wasn’t much better. As her legal guardian, she technically did have the right to stop her daughter from going into the F2 seat, but after a gruelling discussion and many threats from Sava to emancipate from her mother as well, she conceded.

So, on a very sunny, very early Thursday morning in September, Sava hopped onto a plane with an overnight bag to begin catching her dreams. Unfortunately, Sebastian had work during the week, but would be flying out to Italy on Friday night to watch his niece’s races on Saturday and Sunday. But, Sava arrived in Italy as bubbly and excitable as ever. Her pink hair was split into her iconic high pigtails, a white crop top, and pastel pink pleated skirt and trusted combat boots covered her form, black duffel bag thrown over her shoulder with some clothes for the weekend, and all of her travel documents. The PA standing with her name printed on a sign was very confused when a very small, very pink teenage girl bumbled over to her and said ‘Hi, I’m Sava. But everyone calls me Bunny’.

“I’m sorry, I expected someone a little more gritty.” The twenty-something woman spoke, her blonde hair in a high ponytail with a Carlin shirt and dark wash jeans. Sava guessed the PA expected someone who looked more like herself.

“It’s okay, I get that a lot. Most people don’t recognise me out of my race suit, so I definitely don’t expect someone who’s never seen me to anticipate my looks. What’s your name?” Sava’s Czech accent, combined with her hyperactivity meant she talked extremely fast, and often it was all nonsense, and she simply spoke for the sake of speaking. The PA took a few seconds to process the words Sava had spoken before finally replying with a simple ‘Amelia’. The two made it to the car that was waiting and travelled to the track in silence, Sava taking in the sights, and Amelia tapping away at her phone. When they got out, Amelia handed Sava a paddock pass, explaining the importance of it and demonstrating how to use it at the gates. They walked through to the Carlin garage, one half working away excitedly, while the other side seemed rather dead.

“Everyone, can I have your attention please? This is Sava Dvorakova, she’s our reserve driver for the rest of the season. Make her comfortable, and make sure she feels welcome!” Amelia yelled, very quickly causing silence to spread over the entire garage.

“Hi! I’m Sava, but most people call me Bunny, so feel free to do either! Or if you’d like, Dvorakova works just as well, but it’s a bit of a mouthful so I understand if you mispronounce it. I’ll also probably respond to ‘hey you’ so anything works. I’m really looking forward to working with you all and giving you some good results this weekend!” Sava giggled at the end, her fists clenched in front of her chest as she gave a small cheer with her hands and the entire garage remained silent for a few moments before breaking out into whispers, their eyes trailing over the teenager’s body. The anxiety in Sava’s belly bubbled, and she began playing with her hands until she was approached by a boy who was a little taller than her with a friendly smile on his face.

“Hi, I’m Yuki. I drive the other Carlin. It’s nice to meet you Bunny.” Yuki introduced with a smile and fist bump. He was unbelievably pleased to meet a driver who was smaller than him, though he supposed that her being a girl wouldn’t ease all of the teasing he got from other drivers on the grid. The two chatted about their background in racing, and Yuki gave Sava a few pointers on handling the car she was about to drive for the first time ever.

“Sava, I have all of your race gear to try on, and later on you’ll need to do a seat fitting as the mechanics are just going to modify one of Yuki’s seats since you two are similar height.” Amelia stated, breaking up the conversation between the two youngsters. Sava apologised to her new friend before practically skipping behind Amelia. She received a few weird looks from others in the paddock, including a few F1 drivers she recognised from TV and her Instagram feed. She wasn’t sure why they were in this paddock, but supposed a few of the younger guys had only recently come out of F2.

When she got into a Carlin motorhome, race overalls and her flame-retardant undersuit were thrust into her hands by Amelia, and then pointed toward a tiny bathroom within the motorhome while the PA continued scrolling through emails, updating social media, and answering calls. Sava pulled the suits on excitedly, and though it was a bit tight in the hips, thighs and chest, she thought it looked pretty damn good.

“So, I think this was definitely made for a guy with less boobs and smaller hips, but the fit is still really good.” Sava joked to Amelia when she stepped out, only to see Helmut Marko standing alongside her new assistant. She went red instantly, her shoulders tensing and sliding up toward her head.

“Yes, well, we can certainly fix that before the next race, but right now, I believe you’re needed for fittings in the garage, so throw on your helmet and get down there.” Helmut ordered. Sava quickly snatched up her balaclava and helmet, threading the two onto her arm as she began undoing the pigtails to braid them on her way back to the Carlin garage while Amelia and Helmut stayed behind to talk.

If Sava thought she was getting weird looks on her way to the motorhome, she was getting even weirder ones on the way back from it. From what she could tell, it seemed more like mechanics, engineers and other personnel from other teams and she couldn’t see any drivers she recognised before she slipped into the Carlin garage, one braid half finished, and her helmet banging against her head every time she moved her arm. Yuki laughed at her struggles, ambling over to thread the helmet and balaclava off her arm while she held the half finished braid precariously. Sava thanked him with a quick smile and continued braiding, her tongue occasionally poking out the side of her mouth in concentration. One she was finished, and the long braids were tucked into the back of her suit, she pulled on the balaclava and helmet in record speed, and then was ushered into the F2 car to begin the tedious process of trying and changing one of Yuki’s seats to suit her height and posture. 

After about an hour of fiddling, she was allowed to take the helmet off, and was beginning to doze off in the cockpit while a few of the employees debated different ways of measuring and fixing the seat nearby. Amelia came into the garage to find the new driver fully asleep in her car with everyone still talking around her. She took a photo and uploaded it to Carlin’s Instagram story, tagging the driver and writing a quick word about the reserve driver they hadn’t officially announced yet. She giggled slightly, and when two of the mechanics came back over to lift the seat out of the car, they accidentally lifted the driver out with it. Amelia took more photos of the seventeen year old comfortably in her race suit, curled in her seat while two mechanics held the entire ensemble up above the car.

Suffice to say, Carlin’s Instragram was flooded with adoring new fans, angered stans, and a few cheeky formula one drivers on private accounts. 

[shinymooncolor]

I’m so sorry for how long this has been taking!! Work is just stupid 😖

Anyways.

As always @lumosinlove’s sweater weather is the shit.

Sweater weather chat #8

Nado has kinky food sex. Timmy’s words. Not mine. Dolores is the best car. Olli feels bad. Remus is sarcastic af. But I love him. So does Sirius. And Dumo. Sergei talks about the good old days. James organizes a prank.

—

Tuesday 9.32 pm

Nado: hey k, where’s the whipped cream? Kinda important here

Kuny: what? I eat it

Nado: wait the whole thing? I NEED it

Kuny: I eat with Timmy and Olli. We have pancake

Nado: fuck they’re here now?

Kuny: little left want it?

Nado: fuck just put it on the stairs and don’t look. I’ll come get it

Kuny: hehe food sex. Hot

Nado: shut up

——

Tuesday 9.44 pm

Timmyforrealz: oiii!!! Guess who’s being kinky with food sex tonight

Prongstar: what? Who? Olli? 😳😳😳😳

Ollibear: no.

KrisVolley: do we want to know?

RussianGod: Nado play with food haha

Blizzard: Are you all involved? Is it an orgy kind of thing? I’m a little concerned at your level of involvement here

Dumodad: I’m too old for this

Timmyforrealz: it’s Tuesday we’re having halo night. Nado bailed for some date. Our resident giant Russian baby suddenly had pancake cravings so we went out to get chocolate chips. When we got back Dolores was back and there was a nice trail of clothes leading upstairs. 😏

Ollibear: that was a lot of unnecessary commentary. Nado picked up a girl and is mad at kuny for eating the can of whipped cream haha. Also we hid his clothes and stole his car keys.

Blizzard: I don’t believe you.

Kaneyoudigit: hahahahahah blizzard will need photographic evidence. 😂

Ollibear: there’s nothing to prove. Nado is having food sex and we’re playing halo. The only other exciting thing was Kuny’s mom calling to yell at him for getting that 5 minute misconduct for that last sucker punch. Apparently it was unnecessary and he should know better. It was fun.

Sergei_81: so no orgy? 👀 also Kuny’s mama is scary. She used to play hockey.

Ollibear: no Sergei. Also you’re a dad and old. This is weird . But yeah she’s terrifying. But she called me an angel so I’ll take it as a compliment 😇

Sunnysideup: leave Sergei alone! I’ll have you youngsters know that your shenanigans is nothing compared to the shit we used to pull. Just ask dumo about Prague! 😂🙈

Sergei_81: I still have scar on my face hehe

Prongstar: WHAT HAPPNEED IN PRAGUE???

Dumodad: that, my dear James, is between me, sunny, Sergei and the Czech.

Sunnysideup: good ol’ days. 🤣

Prongstar: I will not rest till I know.

——

Tuesday 10.27 pm

James created new group chat

James added Kuny, Sirius, Walker, Dumo, Olli, Timmers and Remus to the group chat

James named the group chat let’s WHIP Nado

James: heheheh so. I just had an excellent prank idea. Given Nado’s newfound appreciation for canned whipped cream 🥴🥴

Remus: why am I part of this?

Sirius: why am I?

Dumo: shush lovebirds and let the man speak 😙

James: many thanks dad! Alright listen up you ruffians - we’re gonna order him a massive order of whipped cream delivered to the rink and then we’re gonna fill up his stall with the cans. And charge it to his own card. 😏

Olli: are you spraying it onto the stall?

James: no but that is an excellent idea!!

Olli: I just though in his helmet, his gloves and you know how fussy he is with his gear. Haha that’d be fun.

Walker: who are you? And what have you done with our precious innocent Ollibear?😍🙊

Timmers: oi just because he looks like a saint doesn’t mean he is one. He’s a little shit.

Sirius: I’m impressed. But why not both? If he thinks the prank is just the massive amount, he won’t suspect the other stuff. 😜

Kuny: remmy can put in his gloves on ice also go cap

James: nah that’s too easy. I have a plan. So. I’m gonna fake a crash with walker - remmy will pull us both off. Kuny you then have to drag Nado into a stupid bet where he leaves his helmet and gloves. Sirius and dumo will fill them by the bench while we three go mad in his stall hehehehe. 😈😈

Kuny: ok. But no whip on Dolores she not been bad. I challenge to handstand on ice

Dumo: not a bad plan. Although you are both oddly committed to that car.

Kuny: she good car. 🏎🏎🏎🏎🏎

Remus: I don’t wanna be part of this. 🙈

James: I didn’t hear that. Ok you all got it?

Walker: ohh sounds fun!!! What’s Olli and timmers job?

Timmers: lookin’ good baby 😘

James: you always do honey! But timmers is the most important - you still have his card details from when you had to run out and buy him clothes when that girl stole his. You need to order and setup the delivery 🤓🤓🤓🤓

Remus: I’m not happy with this. It’s messy. And the poor gloves

Kuny: ha ha not worry remmy gloves have seen badder things 😛

Sirius: we don’t want to know. 😖

Wednesday 8.33 am

James: good morning my fellow pranksters. Behold - the whipped cream bonanza is on the horizon. Everyone know what they’re doing?

Olli: we just charged a ridiculous amount of money for overnight shipping of whipped cream. I don’t even know how timmers did it. It’s a lot of money. 😖

Remus: oh if only you were all hockey millionaires......😳

Dumo: 😂 oh remus I love you!

Sirius: hands off dumo. You got Celeste.

Remus: I love you too dumo. But the vein on pads forehead is not looking good. Lay off

Timmers: ohhhh you don’t wanna share remmy????????? You know he’s seen us all naked a lot. He had to do physio on Kuny when he pulled his groin a few months ago. Also that was not an ice injury - I still want to know what happened 👀👀👀

Kuny: heheheh eheheh not tell 😛😛😛😛

Olli: timmy lay off. We’ve all seen Kuny naked and not just in the showers. I believe Russians are allergic to clothes. And don’t tease cap.

Sirius: thanks Olli. I knew you had my back.

Remus: Kuny’s excessive nudity aside. Are you sure this is a good idea? He’s going to be pissed 😬

Timmers: Olli!!! I thought you were my best friend and brother 😭 you wound me

Olli: shut up and gear up. It’s suspicious we’re all texting and I swear to god @kuny stop giggling like a girl. He knows something is up. He’s trying to read over your shoulder 🤣

Kuny: oh I fix this 😈👻

James: okay lets move. Kuny got him in a headlock. Great job buddy. Let’s just wait till he’s dragged him out of the locker room.

——-

Wednesday 2.11 pm

Nadotheman: you are ALL fucking dickheads. I’ll give you the fucking massive box of whipped cream was fun. But whoever thought it was funny to put in my gloves is dead. I will find you and I will kill you. 😡

Prongstar: whatever do you mean, dear boy? 😇

Nadotheman: fuck off you jerk. I KNOW you were part of this. And I know mr the English language fails me when convenient over there was too 😡

RussianGod: Nado is mad.😂🙈

Blizzard: I swear the video of you is golden. That’s going on YouTube and it’s gonna be an instant hit. 🤪

Eliascookie: I just loved how he pulled on one glove and then the next. Like it wouldn’t be there too?

Nadotheman: i swear to fucking Godzilla if anyone put this on Dolores I’ll cut of your dick and shove it in your ear.

Bradygunz: calm down. You’re such a diva. Also how would that work?

Nadotheman: am not. And shut up. It’s a metaphor

Dumodad: yes. Now shush and let’s watch the tape. Coach is talking 🤓

KrisVolley: that’s a bad metaphor. 🤓

——

Wednesday 2.33 pm

Nado: hey Remus. I wanna get back at them. Can I have some tiger balm?

Remus: no. You’re not doing that one. It’s bad. And that’s not funny.

Nado: I wasn’t going to. Just okay fine but I wanna get back at them? Who did it. I know James and kunty but. Who else?

Remus: I don’t wanna be involved in your prank war ☺️ and I would make sure to check your credit statement

Nado: pleaseeee.

Nado: waIT WHAT? You weRE IN ON THIS? Remus??!!!!!! I thought we were firendsss

Remus: I have no idea what you’re talking about 😆

Nado: 😳😳😳😳😳😳 first Olli now you. Is no one safe in this world anymore? I swear if the two of you ganged up. We’d not stand a chance.

——

[crockettmarcel]

writers block is hitting Hard today and for some reason you guys support me being annoying on main, so here are my opinions on the cities in cooking craze :)

also I should say that my views are 100% in regards to the cities in the game and not how they exist irl!!

New York

doughnut stand - v fun but too easy and not enough levels. good for an introduction to the game though, and the doughnuts look wonderful

burgers/hotdogs - i like it but why are there onion rings and no fries. would not go here (fun to play tho)

breakfast - THE BEST. i love the toast with the smiley faces and the cute pancakes and the ice cream. everything about this restaurant is wonderful and i love it more than life itself

steak - okay but I don't like how the toppings for the soup are right by the steak toppings. too confusing but overall fun

rating: 10/10. my favourite. new york owns my heart

Paris

pastry shop - exquisite ! always leaves me wanting a pain au chocolat <3

frog legs/snails - so much fun :) i like the macarons a lot

fancy ass restaurant - I have no idea what they're selling here but I remember hating this one a lot. just played a level and it's not that bad?

rating: 9/10. had to take away a point because it's french and also the music's annoying

Rome

pizza - fuck you fuck you fuck you. too much happening i want to die

ciabatta - nothing bad to say. a breath of fresh air after the pizza place

pasta - upsetting for reasons I can't explain

rating: a solid 8/10. i hate the pizza place don't make me go back there

Rio

churrasco - I just. don't vibe with this one much. i don't like that you need to grill six things but the grill only has four spaces. maybe i'm just lazy

sandwiches/beans and rice - something about the beans and rice upsets me. don't like the alternate cooking

vatapá - incredible ! the potatoes look delicious <3

rating: 6/10. loses so many points for taking away the smoothie bar. that was my favourite level

Bangkok

seafood on sticks - whoever made this restaurant is in my top 10 hated people. despicable

tilapia/noodles - LOVE the noodles and the little selection of fruit. papaya salad isn't the best but I can live with it

crabs/rice - almost perfect except that the bottle of soy sauce blocks orders. makes me scream

rating: 7.5/10. love Bangkok as long as I avoid the first restaurant. loses points for not having any long timed levels bc I love those :(

Tokyo

sushi/ramen - the best restaurant here and that's saying something. why does the sushi rice take so long to prepare. i hate you

bento - hate this. too hard. how do I coordinate the rice and the bento omelette. everything looks cute but it fills me with rage

sashimi - this is too complicated for me I'm literally going to end it all right now. you get some points back because I like the shrimp

rating: 1/10. tokyo is my least favourite i hate it so much. worst city. life ruining

Athens

pita - absolutely wonderful. love that there are fries. so perfect

phyllo - always confusing when I play it after a while but easy once I get the hang of it. the yoghurt looks cute w honey on it <3

gemista - I'm not cutting up your fucking vegetables

rating: 7/10. last restaurant brought the score down from a 9

Mexico City

menudo - love everything about this. the churros. the pan de muerto with cream and watermelon. the little crackers shaped like ghosts. so perfect

tortillas - very fun. don't like that I have to put the tortillas on the plates before I can put the meat down, but the fruit selection makes up for it

tamales - harder than the other restaurants but still fun :)

rating: 10/10. love Mexico City so much !!

Moscow

dumplings - WONDERFUL. could literally do this forever

pork - pork and borscht are fun but the porridge is horrible. die

sturgeon/blini - don't like that you have to put shit on the sturgeon before it goes in the oven. takes too much time

rating: 6.5/10. most of those points are for the dumplings

Shanghai

rice/noodles - fruit is fun but absolutely not worth the stress of whatever the fuck is going on with the rice and noodles

bao buns - she cleared my skin. nothing else to say

peking duck - love this one ! shaved ice is very cute and the dumplings in soup are wonderful. duck bodies scare me tho

rating: 8.5/10 because I liked the rice/noodles restaurant at one point

Prague

fried cheese - always fun !! nothing bad to say here <3

M E A T - excellent. reminds me of the netflix show Ares bc i'd play this while watching it. hate the pickled cheese

boar knee - takes too long to cook the boar knee. love soup in a bread bowl

rating: 9/10. almost perfect

Dublin

boxty/Irish stew - so simple yet so good. definitely a favourite. could play forever

shepherd's pie - LOVE shepherd's pie. the cabbage/corned beef combo is complicated but not the worst :/

lobster/oysters - oh this is wonderful. big fan

rating: 9.5/10. thank u Dublin

Seoul

beef bulgogi - love this restaurant so much. was genuinely disappointed when i moved onto the next one

haemultang - the way the haemultang is cooked/served is *chef's kiss*. turning the heat up and down? i love it wonderful

rating: 10/10 so far. i haven't got to the third restaurant yet :(

[rhysismydaddy]

Living with a Spy - Feysand Headcannon

Synopsis: Feyre finds out her husband of four years is a spy for the CIA. It doesn’t go over well. 

________________________________________________________________

Feyre sat on the toilet, a towel pressed to her mouth to stifle her sobs, and let herself cry for the first time in three days. 

For three days, she’d been stoic. The beautiful, stoic, perfect wife most men would pray for. 

She knew it was driving Rhysand crazy. 

She also knew she didn’t care.

He’d lost the right to be mad or disappointed or upset with her a long time ago. 

She heard the sheets ruffle in their room. The room with their bed. The room she’d shared with him for almost four years. 

How stupid she’d been. To sleep next to someone she didn’t even know. 

Another sob escaped her.

“Baby,” he said softly from the other side of the door. “Please come out. I can hear you crying.”

She rolled her eyes, flicking him off, then wiped her tears and got up. When she opened the door, she made sure to avoid his eyes. She knew what she’d see if she looked in them-- despair and regret and love. So much love.

But it didn’t matter.

It didn’t change who he was... what he’d done. What he does.

She walked around him and crawled into bed, making sure to stay close to the edge. If he touched her, she was pretty sure she’d lose it. 

He sighed, opened and closed his mouth a couple times, then got into bed and turn the light out. 

“Feyre, please-”

She let out the most unbelievable snore she’d ever heard. 

It was silent, then a soft chuckle reached her ears. “I know you’re awake. You don’t even snore. You’re a terrible liar.”

Another tear spilled down her cheek. “Yes,” she whispered, body shaking with held in rage and sadness, “But you’re good enough for the both of us.”

It was the first thing she’d said to him in three days, and it seemed to cut him in half. 

She could tell he was running a hand over his face, contemplating how to get her to forgive him.

He’s wasting his time, she thought sadly.

___________________________________________________________

Eight hours later, she opened her eyes and knew the other side of the bed would be empty when she turned over.

He’d be downstairs by now, grabbing his thermos full of black coffee, and checking his email as he walked out the door. She knew everything about his day. About him. Or so she’d thought. 

So when she turned over to find him staring straight at her, she was understandable surprised. 

He looked equally as shocked as she screamed and fell out of the bed. 

His deep purple eyes were concerned as he peered over the side of the bed at her. “Are you afraid of me?” 

He sounded... heartbroken.

His voice, his eyes, the look on his face... it pushed her over the edge. She broke into sobs, unable to get off the floor. 

“Baby,” he murmured, climbing off the floor and kneeling next to her. 

The hand he laid on her shoulder, the comfort it gave her, disgusted her. 

“Don’t touch me!” she yelled, getting to her feet and starting to pace.

He rose and sat on the edge of their bed, then practically growled, “What can I do? Tell me what to do to make this better.”

She whirled on him and pointed at a finger at his devastatingly beautiful face. “Four years! Four years of marriage! Of lies!”

“No! Four years of-”

“You lied to me. Every day you left for work and came back and kissed me and made love to me and slept next to me and... you lied to me. Our marriage is a lie. I don’t know you.” It was breaking her heart. He was breaking her heart.

His head dropped. “I knew I shouldn’t have told you.” 

“No, Rhys, you don’t get off that easy. You shouldn’t have told me now. You should’ve told me six years ago when we met.”

“I couldn’t tell you. They’d come after you-”

She exploded. “Don’t pretend to have lied to me every day of our marriage to protect me. I’m a grown fucking woman. I can protect myself.”

“Not from the CIA.”

“You’re a spy! You’re a liar and a spy and a murder. I sleep next to someone whose hands are covered with blood. And I’m supposed to act like that’s okay? For four years, every morning when you’ve left, I thought--I knew--you were going to the university. You know why? Because that’s what you told me! And I believed you! Like an idiot!”

Until three days ago, when she’d gone to visit him at work and learned their was no one by the name of Rhysand Azara working today. 

He sprung to his feet and started pacing. If they kept this up much longer, they’d wear a hole in the floor. 

“You’re not an idiot, Feyre. It’s my job to lie to people. They told me to lie to you. They created my cover at the university, and it’s important it stays in tact. You can’t tell-”

“That’s the worst part!” she yelled, furious. “You’ve made me a liar now, too! I-”

She snapped her mouth shut and grabbed her stomach, then sprinted toward the bathroom and slammed the door. She pressed the lock and threw herself down barely in time to throw up into the toilet. 

He was banging on the other side of the door, which was stupid, since a spy like himself could probably pick the lock with ease.

“Let me in,” he said, faking a calm demeanor. 

She ignored him.

Flushing the toilet, she stood up on shaky legs and started the shower. Hopefully he’d give up and leave for “work” by the time she got out. 

Twenty minutes later, she cursed as she walked out of the bathroom and practically tripped over his long legs. 

“Why are you sitting on the floor?” She smacked the top of his head in annoyance as she walked past him, surprised when it made her feel a little better. 

“Feyre, I’m so sorry. Please. Forgive me. I wanted to tell you.” She looked at him, at the devastation in his eyes. 

“Then you should have.” 

Another wave of nausea rolled over her, and she grimaced.

“Seriously? The sight of me makes you sick now? That’s wonderful,” he said bitterly as he climbed off the ground and stalked to his closet, grabbing a sweatshirt. 

“What are you doing? You aren’t going to “work”?” she asked with bite, using air quotes to punctuate her point. 

He narrowed his eyes at her. “No. I’m not going to “work.” I’m going to stay here until you don’t feel like vomiting every time you look at me.” 

She narrowed hers back. 

Feyre knew he had more to say, knew he wanted to argue more, but she turned and walked down the stairs to the kitchen. 

It was probably because her husband was a liar and life had no purpose, but she didn’t feel like eating anything. In fact, everything in her fridge made her gag. 

She started a pot of tea, figuring that would calm the nausea. 

By the time she was dipping her tea bag into her steaming mug, her husband was sitting across from her at their kitchen table. Staring at her. 

When she couldn’t take it anymore, she whispered, “That time you went to Colorado for a conference... where were you really?” 

He was silent. Then, “Prague.” 

She nodded, gracefully accepting that their entire life was a lie. “And when you got “mugged” coming home from work?”

His eyes closed. “Feyre.”

She raised an eyebrow expectantly. 

“I was taken hostage by the Chinese government, who suspected I was FBI.” 

She nodded again, forcing her eyes to stay closed until she didn’t have tears in them. “How stupid of them.”

He’d been captured and tortured and she’d thought he’d been robbed. 

“What’s your name?”

“What?” He sounded genuinely surprised at that.

“I’m assuming it’s a cover. That this-” she gestured to their house, to herself, to him, “is a cover. So what’s your real name?”

“Don’t you dare,” he growled, suddenly angry. “Don’t you dare tell me you believe that shit. You’re not a cover. I fell in love when I was on leave from the CIA. You know that. Don’t think for one second our marriage isn’t real.”

She shrugged.

“Feyre, baby, you know I love you. You know I do.”

“I did know that. But you don’t lie to the people you love.” She got up from the table. She didn’t know where she was going, but she couldn’t look at him any longer. 

“Feyre-”

“You knew!” she whirled around, unable to keep everything inside. “You knew what it would do to me to live with a liar. That’s why you didn’t tell me. Not to protect me, but because you knew I’d been lied to, deceived, before. You knew I’d leave you if you lied to me.” She whispered the last part, but he heard her perfectly.

He sprang from his seat, seemingly coming unraveled. Rhys ran a hand through his hair, looking panicked. 

“Please. Please don’t leave me. We can move. I’ll leave the CIA and we can go somewhere-”

“Rhys,” she whispered.

He stopped pacing and came to stand in front of her. 

She didn’t want to, but she made herself say, “I need some time. To think. Can you...”

His usually tan and beautiful face was as white as a sheet. “You want me to leave?” 

No, I want you to stay and hug me and tell me it was real. That you love me and you’re still the man I married. 

She nodded. 

His eyes shuttered, but he grabbed his sweatshirt and keys and left.

Feeling like a stranger in her own body, she walked back up the stairs, got in bed, and closed her eyes. 

An hour later, when it was abundantly clear she wasn’t going to sleep, she sat up. Then sprinted to the bathroom and knelt in front of the toilet again. 

She sat back on her heels, eyes narrowed. Then she shook her head. 

No no no no no no

She ran downstairs, grabbed her keys, and headed to the store. 

__________________________________________________________

It was well into the night when he came back. 

She heard him unlock the front door. Heard his near silent steps as he walked up to the stairs, up to their bedroom, up to the window.

“Feyre?” he asked, sticking his head out the window to find her sitting on the flat, secluded space of roof outside their window. 

As he climbed out to join her, she asked, “Do you remember? Six weeks ago?”

“What do you mean?” he asked cautiously. 

She leveled a look at him. “Six weeks ago. The last time we were on the roof.”

He’d waited until the darkest part of the night, then brought her outside and made love to her on the roof, under the stars. It was ridiculous and romantic and...

“Of course I remember. But what does that-” 

“I’m pregnant,” she blurted in a rushed whispered.

He was silent. 

“I think it was the night on the roof,” she continued, ignoring his still stature. “Although, who knows, really. We have sex all the time. Sign of our super healthy relationship.” She laughed softly. 

Rhysand was frozen next to her--unmoving, unspeaking. 

“It’s funny, really. We tried for a year, and when shit hits the fan and I find out I’m married to a stranger, I find out I’m pregnant. Ridiculous.” Her life was a joke. 

“You’re pregnant,” he whispered.

“I’m pregnant.” 

“I’m going to be a father.”

She looked at him, her heart breaking into a million pieces at the look--the joy--on his face. “No.”

“Feyre-”

She shook her head. “Please don’t. Don’t make this any harder. Because if it’s any harder, I won’t make it.” She wiped a tear off her cheek, steeling herself for what she had to say. “I will not allow this baby to grow up with a father who lies and kills and manipulates people for a living. I’d rather... do it alone.”

Tears flowed out of his eyes, and he whispered, “Please don’t-”

“You have a choice, Rhysand. You can chose me, and this baby. Or you can chose your job, your career. This child will not have a father who lies to them every day of their life. This child-”

“I quit my job four hours ago,” he blurted, cutting her off. 

Every thought left her head. “Oh.” 

He nodded, smiling softly. “My boss threatened to neuter me, but I told him to take it up with you. I choose you, Feyre. Always. I don’t love my job, not the way I love you. I should’ve never even taken the position. I’m here. I’ll always be here. Unless you... unless you won’t let me be here.” His voice broke. 

“Rhys,” she whispered.

He nodded again. “I’m so sorry I lied to you. I didn’t tell you at first because I thought it didn’t matter, that it was the same as going to work. Then I didn’t tell you because I knew... I knew it would hurt you.”

“Rhys,” she repeated.

“But I want you to know,” he said with quiet resolve. “That if it’s what you really want, I’ll leave. I won’t force you to-”

“I don’t want you to leave,” she murmured. 

He paused.

“I want you to tell me everything. And I want you to never to lie to me again. About anything.” 

He nodded, another tear escaping those magnificent eyes. 

“I’m scared,” she admitted. “I don’t know how I can do this without you, but I can’t live with-”

“I’ll never lie to you again. I promise. And I’ll never lie to this child.” 

She leaned in and grabbed either side of his face. 

“If you lie to me again, Rhysand, I’ll get Nesta to kick your ass. No matter how much I love you.”

He cradled her face with both palms. “Okay.”

“And I’ll get Cassian to help,” she continued, smiling softly. 

“Nesta won’t need help, but okay.” He grinned back at her. 

“I love you, you stupid prick,” she murmured, sliding her hands in his hair. 

He pressed his lips to hers softly. “I love you, too, Feyre darling. You’re going to be a great mom.”

________________________________

[sunflowrlouis]

HELLO! I’ve been tagged in some posts like this and they inspired me to do one of my own. Honestly, 2019 was the most shit year of my life, those close to me know how fucking hard this year has been on a very personal level. However, this made me grow as a person and learn so so many things. SO! I want to thank the people that made this year way more bearable (also pls enjoy my paint-made header, i worked really hard on it skfjfv) (i didn’t)

im gonna put this under a read more bc i talk too much k, sorry

@emohl - MERY! We started off this year by going to eat tacos and never looking back. It’s honestly hard for me to believe its only been one year of knowing each other? It feels like you’ve been by my side for my whole life. There’s so many things to thank you for. Thank you for spoiling me rotten every time we go out, for always listening to me whether its me complaining or gushing about my crush or just talking shit bc its fun. Thank you for cheering me on always. Specially in the moments where i want to give up, you’re always there believing I can do it. You’ve become one of my greatest bestest friends in the whole world, and I hope 2020 brings us soooo many more adventures (I know it will) and I can keep on making you laugh for lots and lots of years. I LOVE YOU

@kissyhl - aspen, my twin flame 🥺 I? LOVE YOU SO MUCH!!!! bitch i cannot believe we “met” in april, like bro what the actual fuck that’s not possible. Finding you this year has been the greatest thing ever. I never imagined I would’ve found someone so similar yet so different as me. You are my favorite person to talk to and I just :(( wanna hug you so bad. Thank you for putting up with me this year, for listening me talk on and on about my multiple crushes this year lmaoooo, thanks for all the ~advice, even though we are both dumb and will prefer to have a meltdown than follow it fjrbdn Thank you for all those playlists i harrassed you into making me hehe i love ur country ass. I hope 2020 is the year where my pit stop includes visiting you in the land of corn and nothing. Here’s to more years freaking people out bc we say the same things at the same time! YEEHAW! Count all of the stars and add one more, because thats how much i love you.

@ the loves of my LIFE dnd: @tomlinsun @canyonemoon @ltyear @rosesau @queersue @2ofusmp4 @godisalarrie @phoenixvinyl @tattooedlovers @louislegend @givemewalls @emohl @curlyhairedprince @sunflowrsix @onmeown @kissyhl where to start with y’all… honestly this year was a fucking mess for most if not all of us. through personal shit, to tumblr drama, to inner disagreements… we always have made it through, and that’s what matters, you all are the light of my life, even though i was a bit absent on the last few months of the year due to school, having the constant notifications always made me smile. i can’t thank you enough for everything. you are my best friends and i wouldnt be happier to share my life with you.

@lt2019 - pam, i know you’re not very active here anymore but i couldnt post this without mentioning you. you have no idea how much i love having you closer to home now, even though we don’t see each other as often. knowing you’re around somewhere is amazing. Thank you for encouraging me into doing cray things such as driving all the way to the city to see our boys in the middle of the week. can’t wait to make more memories with you, i love you so so so much!

@nauticallyrics - LIZ! reconnecting with you this year has been… incredible! you’re one of the very first friends i made in this website and i love that we found each other again! I love you! maybe 2020 will bring me to prague to visit you! who knows!

@niallacoustic - jeanne! i know you’re not as active here anymore either but i have to mention you. getting to know you this year has meant everything. i love how we can talk about everything and not get bored. thank you for always cheering on me and sending me pics of bubble kdfjn i hope we get to hang out and buy tons of plushies next year!! I know that all your dreams are gonna come true bc you deserve the world. you are a great person and an even better friend. i love you to the moon and back

@ larries en mexico gc! - @angelharry @emohl @half-lightl @justlarryokk @fforever-dreaming @nouies @rainbowscouple we’ve just started getting to know each other but i already love you all! la neta no sé por qué les escribo en ingles pero bueno, me hacen reír muchisimo y no puedo esperar para conocernos y ver a Louis en Mayo🥺 (y comer muchas chacharas como tamales fritos) you all deserve the world!

if you are reading this, first of all thank you and if we’re mutuals pls know i appreciate you for putting content on my dash! here’s to more 1d content for the next decade.

love you lots,

mari

ps. i still love cheese

[wftc141]

Voltron: Global Military Intelligence and Counter-Terrorism Unit-Chapter 6: And One Step Back

Minutes have passed and yet no response has been emitted from the team. Coran couldn't care less about the poor reception from the drones. Plenty of drones have had screwed them over for the past few years. He only cared about the status of Allura and her unit. The silence was starting to send doubt and concern through his mind. Gold stared at the laptop, tensed up, with Colbert sitting next to him staring at the screen as well.

"I don't like this, sir," he said. "Should we send a QRF?"

"No," Coran replied. "I have my concerns as well but it's best we give them some time."

"But we're not getting a bloody thing. No feed, no communication, nothing. How're we supposed to know if they're even standing?"

"Have some faith, Jem," Colbert assured. "If these guys are from Voltron, then they definitely know how to get back up."

Allura's eyes opened not without sacrificing her perfectly fine eyelids. It was hard for her to come to her senses with that loud ringing noise blaring in her ears, muting everything else outside. As Allura tried to pull herself up, the burning blisters and the stinging wounds pulled her down. She let out a tight groan, slipping back to the ground. Allura was unable to get back up without having to damage a wound. Down at a distance, she noticed her rifle intact but coated by flakes of sand. Lifting her forearm forward, she crawled her way towards her rifle.

Allura couldn't see anything through the cloudy smoke surrounding the area but she could hear faint sounds of gunshots echoing and bullets zipping back and forth. Her ears began to come to their senses, disorienting her in the process. She couldn't move. The noises were holding her down like a chain locked to her ankle. As Allura covered herself while panting uncontrollably hard, she heard someone or something call out her name.

She slightly raised her hands off her head and slowly looked up. A small shadow began to emerge from the smoke and shortly, a figure ran through the puffs. She watched as a large tall figure in a black shirt and a plate frame carrier approached her, slowly revealing a scar across his face.

"Allura! Allura! You okay?" Shiro shouted.

Just as her partner arrived, she was able to hear everything, despite the setbacks from the explosion. She nodded, unable to speak with her dry, chapped mouth. Through the roaring gunshots, Shiro gave her a bit of motivation to get up and moved away to provide covering fire. Once she overcame the pain and stood on her feet, Allura held onto Shiro's shoulder who had just went up to her to help her up. She looked around, bullets shooting past clouds and no sign of their attackers. They were sitting ducks at this point.

"We gotta go! Follow me!"

Shiro stepped out of Allura's way and they both ran together, heading towards another part of the village as bullets clamber after them. If they could pull this off without dying, it would be a well deserved favor.

Ever since the explosion set off from the village, Keith was pacing around, getting riled up and worried at the same time. Lance was keeping his cool as usual while setting his sights on the village with his scope. For the last few seconds, Keith had been muttering 'shit' for about a hundred times it was starting to annoy Lance.

"Hey, mind keeping your shit together, amigo?" He demanded. "We're gonna find them. I'm sure your girlfriend is still alive."

"She's not my girlfriend, asshole!" Keith snapped.

"Just saying."

As Lance continued searching for a sight of the team, he heard a faint sound of engine rumbling from below. He looked down and noticed a white Toyota Hilux with a black flag on the side mirrors pull up near the building. The doors opened and two Jihadists armed with rifles came out, uttering orders in Arabic. From what he's seen, these terrorists are unaware of their presence. Lance opened fire at them without giving them any chance to fight back. He managed to shoot one of them dead between the eyes with one bullet. The other scrambled behind the Hilux as the bullets penetrated the hood.

Keith heard the shots and needed no explanation on why Lance was shooting. They both made their way out of the building and approached the still running Hilux. The last jihadist popped out of cover and aimed his rifle, only to be put down by Keith with a bullet to the face.

The duo moved past the truck and made their way down to the rocky road fast. They arrived at the gate where two more jihadists stood near a white Land Cruiser. Just as one of them with a pistol noticed the duo approaching them with ease, he was instantly taken out in surprise by Lance. The jihadist with a shotgun heard the gunshot and raised his weapon towards them with absolute determination. Keith shot him in the leg, causing the jihadist to land on one of his knees before a bullet went through his head. The blood splattered onto the SUV's windows as the body slid against the door.

"Guess these assholes are too busy on the rest of the team." Lance said.

As Lance approached the broken gate, Keith distanced himself away from Lance and went up to one of the dead jihadists. He began to pat his pockets for something. Lance noticed him crouched near the body and rolled his eyes.

"Keith, of all the time we have, you seriously choose to-"

Before he could speak any further, he saw a walkie talkie pulled out of the body's pockets. Keith held it close to his mouth and cleared his throat.

"أيها الإخوة ، لقد قتلنا اثنين من الكفار من الجنوب. أين البقية؟ (Brothers, we've killed two infidels from the south. Where are the rest?)"

Lance was a bit baffled at the way he spoke in a different language but he was still skeptical of whatever plan he had. Suddenly, an Arabic voice replied through static before cutting the feed. Keith wasn't really happy with the news and swore under his breath.

"They found two more of our own up ahead." Keith told him.

"Didn't know you speak Arabic, dude." Lance said.

"Yeah, and I'll tell you what I know once we find our team. Alive."

Keith attached the radio to his vest as the duo made their way past the gate and into the village of echoing gunshots and blanched smoke.

Pidge never liked calling anybody names but when she tried to grab Hunk who was knocked back by the explosion, she couldn't help but admit he had to lose a bit of weight. Her rifle ended up getting lost amidst the explosion.

"You're fucking heavy, you know that?" Pidge croaked as she pulled him up.

"Well, don't mind me. It's part of the tradition." Hunk sarcastically replied.

Pidge wanted to chuckle but her throat was too scalded to talk. Doesn't really help much when they're being tailed by radical jihadists who were catching up to them. They opened fire at them with Pidge using her pistol, although they both shot blankly thanks to the effects of being hit by a bomb. At this point, the duo decided to ditch their plans and run. As they reached down the hill, Hunk was trying to contact through his radio.

"Yellow Lion to Zero, do you read me? Over!" He panted.

Other than mind controlling static, there was nothing from them.

"Don't waste your time on it, Hunk," Pidge told him. "Those assholes must've hammered our signals."

Hunk hesitated for a moment before letting his hand off the earpiece. "Shit."

As the two continued their way down the hill, they hear footsteps close in from a distance. A group of armed jihadists with one wearing a balaclava and carrying a MAS-49, appeared from the corner of a house. Just as they saw the duo, the jihadists pointed their rifles at them. They were both considering to fight back but the chances of surviving are slim and besides, only an imbecile would be dumb enough to open fire at a group with automatic rifles while being the only two alive.

The pursuing jihadists caught up to them from behind, rendering them both outnumbered. They were all closing in, barking and bellowing while shaking their rifles at them. The duo tossed their weapons aside and raised their hands. Just as they did so, Hunk heard a whack and Pidge's body suddenly slumped to the ground. He spun around and saw one of the jihadist holding the rifle with the butt stock at the front. Before Hunk could act, the jihadist aimed his rifle where the muzzle faced directly to his nose. It was enough to freeze Hunk on the spot. As the rest of the group lifted Pidge's body up, Hunk was held with his hands behind his back and taken along with the jihadists.

Once they were certain they were in the clear, Shiro and Allura ran up to a large slab of cemented wall, with portions of it missing like it was bit off. Looked as if the terrorists blew up some of the houses. They were both desperate for a breather, they could feel their chest tightening even harder. So far, the pursuing attackers haven't caught up to them but it was only a matter of time before the duo can hold them off.

"What's your ammo count?" She asked as she checked her pistol's magazine.

Shiro checked his pouches which was empty. "Down on my last mag. You?"

"I'm on my sidearm now."

Allura looked around. Practically everywhere was a bad opening. None of the walls could provide cover since they all look like they were blown up.

"We're in a bad spot, we gotta get outta this shithole now." She said, wiping her smudged face with her exposed forearm.

"Yeah but we have no idea where the others are and the comms are down."

He had a point. They were on the verge of being screwed to a whole a new level. After a moment of silence, Shiro started chuckling. Allura looked at him in confusion.

"What the hell's so funny?"

"Still remember that one time you and me were in a situation as tight as this?" Shiro asked.

Allura paused for a moment before answering. "That was in Prague and the comms were perfectly fine."

"But we survived anyway. Those guys were well trained back then. If we can take those guys down, then we can do the same to them."

"That's bollocks and you know it."

Shortly, they heard footsteps closing in as well as chatter. It was for sure not their team since they don't speak Arabic. Shiro gave Allura a nod while holding his rifle tightly. She nodded back and retracted the slide of her pistol. Her eyes communicated with his. It was now or never. Just as they were about to pop out of cover, they heard a thump and sudden shouts from the pursuers. The voices ranged from shock and desperation and then sharp and abrupt silence. The thumps increased into a style of a drum beat. Shortly, everything went quiet and faint footsteps closed in. Shiro peered from the wall and squinted his eyes. In a distance, Keith and Lance approached them, going through the bodies of the pursuing jihadists.

Keith was the first to reach the commander. "Commander! Are you alright? Where's Major?"

"She's here," Shiro assured, just as Allura appeared from the wall. "How'd you find us?"

"We saw the explosion from the distance and we had to find you two."

"Well, we're thankful for that." Allura nodded.

"Indeed we are." Shiro said.

Keith nodded in acknowledgment. His face changed into concern as he looked around, finding something making. There was six people in total and currently there's four of them.

"Where's the others?"

"We were separated when that IED went off on us." Allura answered.

"This would be the better time to start looking for them," Said Shiro. "And if we can, find if any of the terrorists know the whereabouts of Haxus."

Without any more hesitations, the remainder of the team moved out and searched for the rest of the team. They made their way around the village where there was no sign of anyone, not even Haxus. The team headed towards the side of the village where they saw an exit from a distance. However, in front of the gates were two white Highlander's parked and the remaining group of jihadists moving Pidge and Hunk to the cars. Shiro opened fire at them first, managing to shoot one of the jihadists down and taking the rest by surprise. The jihadists took cover behind a line of crates conveniently placed in front of the cars and returned fire, prompting the team to take cover behind abandoned cars separately. One of them pushed Hunk down under the vehicles.

"الحصول على هؤلاء السجناء في الشاحنة! (Get these prisoners in the truck!)" Shiro heard one of the jihadists ordered.

The jihadists continued to rain fire at them, buying some time for two other masked jihadists to carry Pidge. Lance positioned his rifle on the boot of the car and fired automatic bursts for their heads. The two jihadists dropped to the ground like clockwork, loosening their grip on Pidge. Just before Lance could aim for the other four jihadists, the bullets ricocheted against the boot, causing him to duck under. Their firepower wasn't enough to take on the remaining fighters packed with heavy armory.

As the two jihadists dealt with the team, the other two forced Hunk into the Highlander and hopped in without skipping a beat. Keith heard the engine rumble, giving him a sudden motivation to look up to notice the car about to drive off. Despite being under heavy fire, Keith moved away from the car, clipping off a flash bang grenade from his vest. Shiro, who was beside him, tried to reach for him.

"Keith, don't!"

He slipped away from Shiro's hands and threw a flashbang at them. The explosion flashed heavily, blinding the jihadists. Keith shot them down and tried to shoot down the car. He only managed to graze the headlights and the car began to grow smaller until it was nowhere to be seen.

"Fuck!" Keith cursed, forcefully yanking the rifle down.

The rest of them watched in disbelief, including Lance. Hunk was taken away and it was Allura's only responsibility to make sure none of them were hurt. It was all tearing down into the drain.

Keith turned around and approached Pidge's unconscious body lying near the dead jihadists. Shiro crouched by her side while Lance and Allura kept watch. Keith called her name first before shaking her by the shoulders. Once Pidge finally opened her eyes, she instantly squirmed and wrestled her grip off Keith.

"Get off me! Get off me!"

"Easy! Easy, Kate! It's us!" He assured.

Pidge eventually realized and started to relax. Her chest heaved rapidly as she panted.

"It's alright. You're fine." Keith told her.

She didn't pay attention to what he said. Pidge's was too busy looking around the area, noticing something missing. She looked at Keith who shared a glance of disbelief.

"Where's Hunk?"

Haxus, former army ranger turned Galra terrorist lieutenant looked down at his watch which was marked 19:52 hours, one hour over the suggested time.

"They're supposed to be here by now. What's taking them so long?" He murmured.

"Maybe they're a bit busy, sir?" His bodyguard, Bogh, standing next to him answered.

Haxus scoffed. "I wouldn't be surprised if it's actually the Voltron unit. Such amateurs."

Bogh didn't reply afterwards. He's probably one of the sane operatives he had met so far. Maybe Haxus should be surprised. Straight from the Special Forces Ranger Battalion, Bogh was one of his experienced teammates of his unit. The others weren't so steady but more radically influenced, especially the recently deployed Lahn from the Armenian Forces.

In Haxus' eyes, Voltron is just a ragtag team with a bunch of idiots and incompetent soldiers who think they're doing the world a favour by trying to ruin their plans. They don't even understand what and why they do this. His old army had the same ideas, probably the reason he decided to blow them and his brother up for the sake of joining the Galra Empire.

As they watch several armed fighters with equipment smuggled from their associates in Russia come and go, a white Highlander drove into the village. However, it was just one car. They sent more fighters to that location. Once the Highlander parked near Haxus, the fighters hopped out. Only two of their loyal ones, Barad and Fakhoury were present.

"What happened? Where's the rest of the team?" Haxus asked.

"We manage to ambush the western devils," Fakhoury answered while Barad lifted his ski mask off. "But they wiped out the majority of our brothers. We're the only two who survived but we were able to capture one of their men."

"Well, that's a shame but I'll take it. Show me the guy you caught."

Barad went up to the back of the car and pulled something out. Once he managed to get him out, Barad was holding a man with a beard in a beige t-shirt with rolled up sleeves, covered by a plate carrier. His face was smeared with dirt and bruises. Haxus raised an eyebrow in amusement and surprise mainly because of his looks. Barad pushed him onto his knees while Fakhoury assisted.

"Well, what a surprise you brought me, boys," he said, bending down and getting a closer look. "Never seen a Samoan like you in Voltron before. You're probably lucky to be here. What's your name?"

The man didn't reply other than glare at him. When he didn't answer, Haxus looked up at Barad, asking for his name.

"We heard one of his comrades call him Hunk." He said.

Haxus was rather surprised and found it funny. "Hunk? That's a weird name for a Samoan. What's your mother's name, is it Slab?"

The man, Hunk continued glaring at him. He seemed offended by his joke.

"Silent one, I see. Well, it's not like I'm here to have a joke with you. But I'm sure the commander will be delighted to see you. So until then…"

Haxus pulled out a magazine from the pouch on his vest and slammed it to his temple. Barad threw the unconscious body aside. "Get some rest. You deserve it."

The men stared at him, waiting for further orders. Haxus stood up while slipping his magazine back into his pouch.

"Put him in the cage with the women and get ready to pull out. We rather not let his friends catch up.

[spellcastersjudgement]

please could you do fusionshipping and number 7?

*takes drag of cigarette* fusionshipping, you say? that was baby froots oh tee pee growing up…this one is gonna bring back a lot of super gay sixth grade headcanons and feelings and u know what?? im glad  

#7: a kiss to shut them up 

Jaden Yuki was like the sun. Warm, bright, a symbol of happiness and growth. Zane wasn’t cliche enough to state that he was the moon or something, but Atticus supplied that for him. His best friend had a goldmine of of gross poetic things to say about the differences between himself and Jaden, and if Zane wasn’t a closet romantic and desperately pining for the other duelist, he would’ve backhanded Atticus with enough force to give him whiplash. 

That wouldn’t be the only reason Atticus Rhodes needed to be backhanded. He’d been earning his comeuppance for several years now. 

“Hey, look over there,” 

Zane heard Atticus’s voice at his shoulder and smelled a scheme, but humored his best friend and looked over to where Atticus had jerked his head. 

Jaden Yuki had just walked into the convention center, duel disk on his arm, other arm linked through Jesse Anderson’s. Jim and Hassleberry were a few steps behind them, also with duel disks–that was a bit surprising, as Zane hadn’t seen either of their names on the registration for the tournament. They wouldn’t be competing in the same bracket, so Zane didn’t think too much of it. They wouldn’t have been good competition anyway. There was another issue though. If Jaden had all of them here, plus Syrus as his manager, it would– 

“Damn, we’re not gonna get any alone time with him,” Atticus grumbled. They were at the bar, day drinking to survive the opening ceremonies for the tournament, which was too much talking and not enough card games for Zane. 

Though he was loathe to agree with Atticus, Zane could privately admit that Jaden showing up with his entourage would mean that he would have less time with the brunette. “We?” 

“Yeah, we, Zaney. You and Jaden see each other all the time at the super high-level tournaments, but you never make any moves without me bugging you,” Atticus downed his drink and signaled the bartender for another. “Now I have to work on separating Jaden from the pack and then I have to make sure you do your job of actually flirting with him instead of just staring at him and hoping he gets the message,” 

“Stop strategizing.” Zane ordered. 

“Zane, if you would get off your ass and actually–” 

“I’ll see Jaden at the next tournament, this one doesn’t matter.” Zane grumbled, knowing that Atticus wouldn’t take him seriously but saying it out of principle. 

“This one does matter–come on, I need you two together while I’m still young!” Atticus said, throwing up his hands, exasperated. 

“He doesn’t like me, Rhodes,” 

“You don’t know that!” Atticus started on his typical spiel of how Zane wasn’t a mind reader, how he’d never know the joys of love if he didn’t risk experiencing pain, that Jaden was single and put up with Zane’s shit, which was more than Zane should expect from anyone. 

“Come on, you two are perfect–sun and moon remember? Yin and yang? Do I have to read my poems to you again?” Atticus threatened. 

“Read me a poem and I’m cutting off your hair,” 

“You say that all the time, Zaney–my hair is still as long and beautiful as ever.” Atticus’s took a sip from his fourth drink of the afternoon. “Look, you get blasted, you flirt with him, tell him how you feel–a year from now you’ll be Mr. and Mr. Yuki-Truesdale and I get to officiate the wedding,” 

Jaden Yuki-Truesdale did have a nice ring to it. 

“I’m not doing that,” Zane said, mostly because even in his most private fantasies of Jaden and him being together Atticus Rhodes was not the one marrying them. He’d already slated Alexis for that position. 

Atticus wasn’t paying attention anymore, he was laying a hand over his heart, smiling, a faraway, dreamy look in his eyes.  “Come on, come on–opening ceremonies tonight. Picture this: sit next to him, take his hand, look down into those big, beautiful eyes, stroke his cheek, tower over him on your spider legs and whisper: Jaden Yuki, will you do me the honor of being my Eternal Sunshine?” 

“Shut the fuck up,” Zane snapped, feeling a blush coming on. Eternal Sunshine. What a name. What a fitting name.

“You two would be adorable–you with your goth aesthetic,’ Atticus motioned to  Zane’s all-black ensemble, the makeup, the nails, the choker. “And him, with his boy-next-door aesthetic–adorable! It’s the season for love!” 

“It’s midwinter,” 

“All seasons are seasons for love, you frigid bitch,” Atticus huffed, shoving Zane’s shoulder. “Look, I’m going to go distract everyone and–” 

“Atticus if you set me up with Jaden I’m going to smother you with a pillow,” 

“Now that’s a threat I believe,” Atticus said. “That’s why I made sure your manager booked us separate hotel rooms this time,” 

Atticus dropped the subject–sort of. He was now alternating between drinking and swiping through pictures of Chazz, and Zane would be lying if it didn’t make him jealous to hear his best friend gushing over his boyfriend. They were nearly impossible to stomach when they were together, what with Atticus coming up with nicknames and breaking out into song at every available opportunity. Zane had known Chazz for a long time, and when they’d gotten together he’d hoped the black-haired boy, who was always ragging on Jaden for being over-the-top, would bring Atticus’s antics to a grinding halt. He felt betrayed when Chazz started blushing and thanking Atticus for all of his romanticism instead of chastising him. 

In a moment of weakness, probably brought on by the alcohol, Zane reflected upon how maybe he should let Atticus help him out with Jaden.

The moment was gone in an instant. That would be a horrible idea. 

“Hey, hey, hey,” Atticus whispered excitedly. “Eternal Sunshine at 6 o’clock,” 

“Don’t you–” 

It was too late. Atticus was already slapping down cash on the bar and standing up. “Hey there, Jaden! You know where the bathroom is?” 

“Hey Atticus!” Jaden’s voice sent a jolt of happiness through Zane, and he took another drink to calm the frantic beating of his heart. “Jesse’s heading to the bathroom now, just follow the blue hair,” 

Zane saw Jaden sink down into Atticus’s empty chair. “Hey Zane,” 

He swallowed another mouthful of gin and tonic before responding. “Nice to see you,” 

“What’s it been, a week?” Jaden laughed, leaning his elbow against the bar. “Didn’t expect you to be competing in an open-entry tournament,” 

“Atticus wanted to enter,” Zane tried not to think of sunshine and seasons of love as Jaden laughed again. 

“He bring Chazz with him?” 

“Chazz is halfway around the world with Alexis and Bastion,” 

“Oh yeah, Prague. Bastion told me about it, I didn’t think Chazzeroo was going with them,” Jaden picked up the drink menu, no doubt looking for something fruity and sweet, something Zane would never touch with a ten foot pole. Another thing Atticus liked to wax poetic about–only he could make something corny and romantic out of drink orders. 

“We should go to Prague,” 

Zane nearly choked on his drink as his mind rared into overdrive. His mind knew that logically the second half of that sentence was “for a tournament,” but his heart desperately wanted it to be for more personal reasons. Mr. and Mr. Yuki-Truesdale–damn Atticus for bringing the thought to the forefront of his mind (he’d thought of it before, certainly, but only late at night when he was feeling especially lonely, not in broad daylight with Jaden sitting right next to him)–on honeymoon in Prague. Not his first choice, he’d always imagined it on a beach somewhere, but if that’s what Jaden wanted–

This train of thought was strangely reminiscent of Atticus. They weren’t–god they weren’t even together, let alone married. One step at a time. 

Or zero steps at a time because you won’t do anything, Atticus’s voice–when had he gotten in here?–echoed in Zane’s head. 

“You alright, Zane?” Jaden asked, leaning forward, concern in his eyes–here he remembered Atticus comparing the color to some chocolate he’d bought for Chazz–and Zane was ready to swear off alcohol for the rest of his life if it was going to cause him to think of Atticus Rhodes. 

“Um, yeah, I’m good,” Zane said. “So you were saying we–that, uh, we should go to Prague,” 

“Oh yeah, I bet it’d be awesome!” Jaden thanked the bartender for the fluorescent pink daiquiri, picking up the cherry and popping it into his mouth. Zane nearly passed out at the images in his head. “I don’t know anything about it, but it’d be an adventure–think about it, two Americans lost in the Czech Republic, can’t read anything, only armed with our duel disks and wits–sounds like a movie,” 

“The only movies I’ve seen that take place in the Czech Republic are horror movies,” Zane said. That’s not the kind of movie he wanted to make with Jaden. 

God, bad choice of words. 

“You’d keep me safe–no one messes with Zane Truesdale,” Jaden smiled, and Zane–well he would have to agree with him. If anyone laid a hand on Jaden Yuki in his presence it would be the last thing they ever did.  

“Tell Syrus to register you in a tournament and I’ll tell my manager to resister me,” Zane said. 

“Tournament?” 

He looked up from his drink at Jaden’s surprised tone. He felt a glimmer of hope, praying that he wasn’t about to get it dashed. He had to play this cool, no matter what he was feeling. “I thought we were talking about competing together,” 

“What? Oh, no, um,” Jaden’s face, the pretty face that had both haunted and blessed Zane’s dreams, was bright red, his lush, coral pink bottom lip–god, he was starting to sound like Atticus again–between his teeth, his eyes to the floor, lush eyelashes brushing against his cheekbones. “That’s not–not what I meant,” 

Oh god. 

Zane let himself feel a bit more hopeful, sit up a little straighter, lean in toward the brunette. 

He was speechless, but Jaden couldn’t seem to stop the words from stumbling out of his mouth. “I’m so–oh god, um–I meant like, together, but not–I was talking with Jesse last night and then Alexis called me and Bastion–they all said that–that I should–even Syrus said that–I’m sorry Zane I thought that you–I thought that you liked me–I’m so–” 

For Zane, it felt as if time had stopped. Jaden–his Eternal Sunshine–returned his feelings. 

Jaden was still talking, wildly gesticulating, his drink sloshing out of the glass and staining his sleeve. Zane–Zane could listen to Jaden talk all night, had done so many times while they were together at tournaments, but right now he wanted Jaden to stop talking, but–but Zane couldn’t speak, couldn’t tell Jaden how much–

Well there was something else. 

“I just–I don’t want this to change our friendship and–” 

Jaden was still going. Zane stood up–spider legs, like Atticus said–put his hand, which he saw rather than felt, on Jaden’s chin, feeling the softness of his skin, brown eyes wide and surprised as Zane leaned down–

In all of his musings about what it would be like to kiss Jaden, Zane never expected a spontaneous kiss to surpass his perfectly constructed fantasies. 

The brunette’s lips weren’t soft like he expected–they were chapped, rough, the texture a delicious contrast to Zane’s silky lipstick. The fruity flavor of the drink lingered on his lips, and Zane could learn to love the taste if it was being served to him from Jaden’s mouth. 

Enthusiastic by nature, Jaden quickly recovered from the surprise to throw his arms around Zane’s neck, bringing them closer together–there was the sound of glass breaking and Zane could hear the remnants of Jaden’s drink dripping on to the floor. A tongue forced its way into Zane’s mouth, a hand buried into Zane’s hair, teeth clacked together–Zane was dizzy with alcohol and the sensation of having Jaden Yuki in his arms, kissing him with wild abandon, and wouldn’t be surprised if he’d keeled over and woken up to find this was all a dream. 

When Jaden pulled away, blue lipstick smeared on his chin, he knew it wasn’t. 

“So, uh–wanna make Prague our first vacation as a couple?” Jaden laughed, smiling. 

“Yes,” Zane choked out, stroking the side of Jaden’s face. “Yes, my Eternal Sunshine,” 

He realized what he’d said a moment later when Atticus’s laughed interrupted the moment. 

“Another plan well-executed!” Atticus praised himself. “I’ll go search for plane tickets to Prague,” 

“Hey, hey Addy,” Jaden called. “Be sure to book mine under Eternal Sunshine!” 

Zane was going to kill Atticus–he wanted to smack that self-satisfied grin off his face. 

After he got back from Prague, of course. 

[mythicnoir]

Gatekeeper Session 1-3

Decided to share some recaps I wrote on the last few sessions of the current adventure in my campaign. The writing style is a bit more casual than I usually go for, but I think it sums up stuff well.

This’ll be under a readmore, because it gets long.

Session One:

It is the Waithdyd, the fourth day of Khelek, the month of Ice, in the year 1550 Anni Zylla. On the island of Ludum, a nation torn and divided, deep within Vindred Forest, three destinies slowly intersect. Two months since the adventuring family called Thunderclan lost one member to a life of piracy and another member to a life of performance, Equaarion Tarkus the druid and Rae the elf sought out answers within Simona Village. They've heard a call for help, a unique one that piqued their interest. From here, they will encounter new allies, new enemies, and new adventure.

For the uninitiated, Ludum is an island within my campaign setting of Yalda, and it's a nation in crisis. The royal family and their Hallow Knights vanished from the capital city of Hamlet mysteriously almost a year and a half ago, and since then, the nation has been in chaos. Brigands have run of the woods, evil creatures close in on unguarded villages, and a host of ambitious nobles seek a claim on the throne. Within this chaos comes Thunderclan, a group of mercenaries.

The group was originally Equaarion Tarkus, the human druid folk hero, played by my friend Cam... Rae, the elven ranger, played by my friend Michaela... the half-elf eldritch knight pirate Salty Martine, played by my friend Cal, and the human bard Sasha Sabotage, played by my friend Jacque. But Cal and Jacque had to go and study abroad in Prague, so a newcomer has joined our D&D group, and you'll find out who that is in a second.

The heroes are all about mid-level now, which means that they've been through the shit, they've made some friends, made some enemies, seen stuff that gives them new perspective, and they’re approaching infamous status, which is pretty much what every player wants, imo.

But on with the story.

Rae and Equaarion approach the gates of Simona Village. The rain has drenched them completely, and the guard is delaying opening the gate as he waits for a new figure to roll up.

The two heroes are eager to get inside the village walls, find warmth, and a place to sleep, but they turn to meet the figure joining them.

Standing three and a half feet tall, clad in a noblewoman's dress and walking with a long staff, ankle-deep in mud, comes the next part of their adventures. Freesia Flores is her name, and she is a halfling warlock of the archfey.

The heroes introduce themselves politely to their diminutive friend as the guard exits the gate to check them in. The players are anticipating a quick pat down and an interview, but that's not what they get.

Dunstan, the guard, needs to take a blood sample. The town has been plagued by demons and fairies in disguise in recent months, and local superstition holds that if you bleed red, you're the real deal.

The heroes are confused but comply, hoping to avoid making a big deal of it. Their blood is taken and their eyes are examined and they're asked their names and motivations. Dunstan shrugs, figures they're fine, and lets them in. Freesia immediately races off for the tavern while Rae and Equaarion help Dunstan get the gates shut through the mud and rain.

Within the Blue Vine Tavern, Rae examines the letter that summoned her and Equaarion to Simona Village in the first place. It's from a logger named Elsha, who nervously talks about the predicament the village is in. Bandits from the south calling themselves the Redhoods have set up camp outside the town. Word is they're looking for an artifact in an ancient Wengwith ruin called Tir Dyffryn. Elsha is afraid that with enough time, the Redhoods will get bored and just ransack the town, killing and stealing whatever they find.

On top of that, there's the demon problem. Demons have been spotted in the woods, upsetting the status quo of fairies and neutral beasts.

Freesia Flores, meanwhile, didn't come here for that. She came separately, she came with her own motivations. She's a warlock, she's on the search for knowledge and understanding her pact, and fairies in particular.

In time, Elsha meets up with Rae and Equaarion in the tavern, and Freesia Flores begins to sidle up, hearing word about fairies and the Black Thicket tribe, a group of druids that may know a thing or two.

As they discuss the bandit situation, Michaela, as Rae, asks, "Well, do you want us to just go into their camp and kill them all?"

But Elsha says no, they can't do that. "If you kill the Redhoods, their allies will hear of it, and take vengeance on the town, you'll only cause more problems."

The solution, Elsha posits, is for Thunderclan to go and search for the artifact themselves, stealing it from underneath the Redhood's noses.

This is appealing to Rae and Equaarion, because the artifact that's being discussed is a celestial artifact of tremendous power. This artifact alone is believed to be an egg that could transport people across dimensions.

Also, they’re playing Dungeons and Dragons and who doesn’t want to go looking for treasure?

This is appealing to Rae and Equaarion, because they're hot on the trail of Rae’s missing girlfriend. Her name was Emilia, and she was a Hallow Knight of Hamlet. After some scrying and investigation, they've realized that the Knights, including Emilia, have become trapped in another dimension.

So they are VERY interested in getting this artifact.

Meanwhile Freesia is interested because this is an opportunity for more knowledge, and the three of them are each aware that if they split up and adventure around these woods, they are most certainly dead.

So the heroes, having talked with Elsha, get the picture. There's a band of Redhoods, they gotta get away but we can't just kill them. There are demons and fairies in this neck of the woods, and our best bet for more information on the location of the artifact and the supernatural stuff going on is the Black Thicket Tribe of druids. Got it.

So the heroes thank Elsha, finish their drinks, eavesdrop a bit, and head out.

It’s a lot of information but who gives a shit, fairies and demons and bandit rings are all cool and it’s my personal philosophy when running a game that players should at least know what sort of stuff they can get up to.

The heroes exit the tavern and are about to look for the Black Thicket encampment when they see an old man in a hood and robe moving a wheelbarrow and calling out for help. Everyone in the street seems to ignore him, but the heroes approach regardless and start asking him for help because they’re oh-so-good people.

This conversation ended up being hilarious, because the man, who was Obviously evil, the halfling could see up his hood and see his pitch black eyes, kept on making absurd lies and speaking in a ridiculous old man voice. The heroes are rightfully super suspicious of this guy and as he reaches out for Rae's shoulder. She jumps back and discovers that he has black claws.

Eventually Freesia decides to use a warlock ability to make him Frightened of her, and he casts away his cloak, revealing horns and a little tail, as he sprints away. He manages to escape, but the heroes all suddenly aware of the shit the town could be in.

But from the shadows comes a voice. "You shouldn't do that in public."

This is Ragweed, the halfling elder of the Black Thicket tribe. He brings the heroes back to his encampment with the rest of his tribe and hears their concerns. Ragweed is essentially a short freckled mess of ginger hair and an eyepatch.

The Black Thicket tribe have agreed to help the Master of the Town in these trying times, defending them and serving as guardians, so they're definitely good guys, they have the interests of the villagers at heart, but they've got their own issues.

The heroes want to know more about Tir Dyffryn and this mysterious artifact. Ragweed tells them that they don't seem like they're going to run over the town and kill everyone, but he's the keeper of this secret as to where Tir Dyffryn is and he's not just going to give it up for free.

So Ragweed tells them, "My tribal brethren lost something very precious to her in a battle with demons. Maybe if you retrieve it with her, I'll trust you a little more."

This is a super classical fetch quest, it's a little gamey, but this session to me was just about simplicity and defining the new group dynamic, so I'm fine with some basic stuff.

The tribal brethren in question is Poppy, an earth genasi woman. She's friendly and sweet and has a little bit of a slow and nice friendly voice.

The heroes head out, but before they go, Rae uses her ranger abilities to sense the woods around her, and detect what kind of creatures are out there.

I describe the normal souls and presence of various civilized races, or kith, as they're called in my setting. But at the end of her abilities range I describe a pure unfathomable darkness and boiling hatred. I call it 'necrotic rot', which Michaela really hitched on to. I think she repeated it a couple times, it was pretty descriptive.

So they know they're gonna fight some demons. 

Sure enough, the heroes end up at Pwigra Pass, where Poppy tells them she lost her Codex Terragnosis, a sacred text detailing the beasts and fairies and interplanar travel of this setting.

And pretty much every single person in the party wants to see that book.

I could describe the fight that they had at Pwigra Pass in an attempt to retrieve the book, but overall it was pretty easy. They faced off against some demons. They were ram skulls with spider legs, but those spider legs could suck up into themselves and become bat wings. Freaky stuff,

Rae is a hardcore as fuck ranger that never misses and never does minimal damage.

Meanwhile Equaarion is a conjuring and shapeshifting druid. He recently got a hold of a figurine of wondrous power of a Griffon that he recently named Honeyduke, and in this fight, he detected the enemies, summoned the griffon, and jumped off of a 60-foot high bridge to be caught by the griffon. Which is fucking awesome.

Freesia Flores is the newcomer and is pretty much totally decked out with weird fairy warlock powers. So far she’s pretty much a generalist that can shore up all of the group’s weaknesses.

Anyway, they win the fight, grab this arcane book, and begin to head back to Simona Village. But more adventure awaits.

Session Two:

The characters returned to Simona Village to find that Ragweed had departed to meditate. The heroes chose to find Ragweed first before looking at the book.

The heroes visited Ragweed, in a meditation spot he fancied in an abandoned tower, and had an insightful conversation about Wildshape. It was really about Equaarion. Just about his aims, how he felt that adventuring was the natural choice for him. 

It’s the age old compulsion for adventure, the feeling that there’s nothing for you but the road and the desire to seek more.

Ragweed is a good man and while he's a bit eccentric, he really does love the world and wants to protect the life within it. So Ragweed shares with the heroes the location of Tir Dyffryn and the Angel Egg, this mysterious celestial artifact that may allow the heroes passage to the realm of Concord, where the heroes believe they will find Emilia. Ragweed warns them of the dangers, pointing out that the Wengwith heavily trapped and guarded their buildings with constructs. Instead, Ragweed asks them to stay in the village and help out. The elven ranger Rae knows, even as close as she is to Emilia, that she cannot abandon these people in their time of need, and solemnly nods.

Rae heard a voice call out in Wengwith, asking whether they were friendly. After a brief deliberation, Rae invited the voice up. The group discovered he was a tiefling clad in all sorts of trinkets and fine robes and jewelry, but as soon as the tiefling saw their map, Equaarion got antsy and said that they needed to kill him -- in Common, which Chem couldn't understand. Freesia says that's absurd and barbaric and they don't need to do that. I'm feeling like between Sasha and Freesia, the charismatic ladies are always going to be the voices of reason in Thunderclan.

Eventually the heroes had a weird conversation with Chem of Longquest about his travels, the dangers of the woods, and a strange obsidian idol Chem of Longquest had in the shape of a bat before they decided to head back, whereupon Equaarion heard a slithering liquid-like sound coming from outside of the tower. Rae moved to inspect the sound, bow drawn, and Chem of Longquest strokes the obsidian idol, tosses it to the center of the tower, and punches Rae in the head.

It's initiative, and already the heroes have problems. The black idol is in the center of the tower and it starts leaking out black gas that deals poison damage to the heroes. Chem of Longquest begins using his spider-climbing magic item to attach himself to the inside of the wall and get a good vantage point on the heroes.

They manage to deal some damage to him, but soon enough a shadow demon answering to Chem slithers in and the situation gets more complicated than the heroes would like. Equaarion orders Honeyduke, the griffon, to carry the idol out of the tower, but the poison cloud still lingers for two rounds. The heroes break out of the tower and into the open meadow, followed by the shadow demon.

The heroes struggle, and Rae goes down, but Honeyduke carries her to safety and Ragweed's healing word brings her back up. Freesia and Equaarion battle the shadow demon while Chem of Longquest hides out of sight, uncovering its many resistances and immunities before Rae puts the final nail in the coffin and kills the demon. Freesia charges back into the tower and with two swift eldritch blasts knocks Chem unconscious.

The interrogation of Chem begins. The heroes strip him down and tie him up, only to find that he is a demon worshipper and a bit of an edgy creep. He's forthcoming about information. He serves She-Who-Walks-Away-Alone, the Crimson Bat, a demon slain by Prince Laurence that now slumbers and regains her 'flame' beneath the Tomb of the Ancients -- the undead city of Necropolis. Chem also says, very plainly, that "my master answers to the one you call King."

The heroes look at one another. King Ezra? What's going on? Could these be the answers everyone is searching for? Chem states that Ezra abandoned his family to seek greater power with demons and dragonkind in order to further advance his own nation. Meanwhile, according to Chem, Queen Rosaria's hubris dragged the Hallow Knights of Hamlet into a harrowing nightmare (Knightmare), in a bid for her children to become more powerful.

This is big news, and it only makes sense for a demon worshipper to be clued into these sorts of things. But these answers are only revealing new questions. When did this schism happen? Where is Ezra? Who's the bad guy in this situation? We know more about what Ezra's up to and this is in line with what Agrippa or Rend said a long time ago, but all this news about Rosaria is very opinion-based and unclear. Was she trying to cure her son Ludwig's sickliness or ascend them to Godhood? What's going on?

In the end this is a huge moment for the heroes, but they still are wondering why Chem of Longquest is so forthright with all this information. And the answer is very simple. Chem of Longquest points out that this information is meaningless to him because in the end, the strong will rule, and he believes that his mistress, the Crimson Bat, is the most powerful. So these secrets are really meaningless to him. Meanwhile, why isn't he afraid of Rae holding a bow and arrow up to his head? Simple, he's in service to a demon queen. Death is also meaningless to him. He states very plainly, "Upon my death I will rejoin the Abyss, and I will be taken through the Wheel and reborn." Which is at least partly true. Freesia basically raises an eyebrow at this and correctly observes that while he's right about eventually being reincarnated... the rest seems like religious belief.

Rae says, "Give me one reason I shouldn't kill you."

And Chem replies, "Only your own weakness."

And the arrow is loosed, Chem of Longquest is killed.

The heroes and Ragweed agree to return to Simona Village to rest up and look at the book in the morning. The heroes are a little shaken by all this information, but rest will do them good. The heroes rest in separate rooms, Equaarion and Rae in one and Freesia in another, and in the morning they examine the Codex Terragnosis with Poppy.

The heroes learned all sorts of things about the other planes of existence, fairies and their origins, angels and their search for the true meaning of life, the universe, and everything, and a ton of beasts, including the Aguila Thunderbird, a legendary storm phoenix.

After geeking out over books, though it's mostly nerd warlock Freesia geeking, they decide, based on Poppy's advice, to tell the Master of the village, Pickford Pine, about them clearing Pwigra Pass. So they go, and they have a really pleasant conversation, mostly thanks to the heroes having a good reputation all around, but also definitely thanks to Freesia being super charismatic and very honest about everything. She didn't sugarcoat why she was in town, no pretenses to coming just to help with the struggle, which actually made Pickford Pine happy. He's a no-nonsense kind of guy, he's 34, married with two kids, he's a master of a small village and a proficient hunter, so he just says, "You adventurers have a good reputation in this forest, so as long as you're not making friends with the bandits, then I won't have you arrested and run out of town."

He offers them a gold ingot as a reward for clearing out the demons at Pwigra Pass and tells them that there's more where that came from if they manage to keep things peaceful in town and use that goodwill to improve relationships between the Black Thicket Tribe and the villagers. If that happens, and the village is unified and strong together, then Pine is less worried about the Redhoods ransacking the town, and Thunderclan will be good people in his eyes.

So the heroes decide to formulate a plan, a creative solution to the problems plaguing Simona Village, that doesn't involve bloodshed and drawing the attention of the Redhoods allies. And also hopefully doesn't get them run out of town.

Equaarion observes that he's both a druid and a civilian in many senses, and his reputation as a folk hero may allow him to serve as the bridge between those two peoples and to solidify that and maybe strengthen the town through peace and diplomacy.

Meanwhile, Freesia is wondering whether the Redhoods could be tricked into believing that Tir Dyffryn and the artifact isn't anywhere near Vindred, and get them to depart the village and give the townspeople time to prepare and defend themselves, or maybe just permanently mislead the Redhoods.

Rae, meanwhile, just wants to find her girlfriend, but her heart knows that sometimes what you want and the right thing is not always the same.

How will these plans be enacted? Will the heroes run into trouble? Will they uncover more secrets about the Royal Family soon? Will I ever remember to make a concentration check without being reminded? Probably not.

Little Moments from this Session:

Freesia being adorable just constantly with a little fear of animals and being super haughty and highbrow about everything, while still having this insatiable thirst for knowledge. But she's a warlock. So of course.

Equaarion saying some really deep shit about his character and his motivations for becoming an adventurer. Equaarion basically became a hero and learned to be at peace with nature not for any desire for power or because it was his tribal identity, but simply because it was the right thing for him, purely as an individual.

Rae reminding everyone that while she's absolutely a badass that will kill at a moment's notice, her character is fundamentally motivated by love.

Session Three:

Last session one of our players was forced to be late so we opened with just Freesia and Rae planning. Equaarion had gone off into the woods to 'meditate', which (comically) nobody believed.

The two of them rolled over possibilities in their minds for how to trick the Redhoods into leaving Simona Village alone. They poured over a number of possibilities and ended up deciding that the best solution was to forge a map that indicated Tir Dyffryn was elsewhere in the woods, leading the Redhoods astray just long enough for Thunderclan to scoop up the artifact and get out of dodge.

Wandering a bit, they found Elsha and talked details and specifics with her. Apparently Elsha isn't too popular around the town, what with her trying and failing to sneak up on the Redhoods and possibly drawing their ire even more. Thunderclan (or at least the two lesbians) did get some more pertinent information though: the trade route to the east that has been patrolled by bandits since the crown left.

...It's a strangely cold day outside.

They decided that it'd probably be best if they tried seeking out somebody who could actually help them with authentic mapping skills. The two of them don't have proficiency with cartographer's tools or anything of the sort, so they were just wandering back to Rae's room when Rae hears a noise on the other side of the door. Marble footsteps and ocean waves.

It's Chess.

Chess, the black and white dragonborn wizard and scientist, professor of the Brigmore Institute at the Academy up north. He's surprised to see Freesia, whom he's never met before. As she moves to shake his hand, his hand passes through hers. "I'm not actually here," he says. Project Image, a high level spell. Pretty useful.

This is one of those things that wizards just do in fantasy. They show up for weird reasons out of nowhere, have cryptic things to say, and disappear after sending their love.

Chess is here to check on Thunderclan, tell them that their old partner Salty Martine sends her regards, and fails at concealing a bit of secret information from Freesia: the immortal warlord Vander Coil has returned from the World Below to rejoin Chess and his husband Set on their mission to restore independence to Ludum.

Chess and Freesia basically stare each other down and pick apart everything the other says. So by the end of the conversation, these two genius scholars have pretty much totally figured the other out. Chess is a revolutionary and a bit of a prick, Freesia is a witch. The basics.

After Chess gives them some advice about Wengwith ruins and fails to conceal important information, he disappears without a goodbye.

The adventurers agree that Ragweed is the best bet for making a good convincing map, and they pawn it off to him as Equaarion arrives.

They notice a small druid boy, about a teenager, shivering neurotically. His name is Osvyn, he's mute, and a little asocial. Equaarion is kind enough to summon a black bear to keep him company in his discomfort, though.

Equaarion is prickly and stubborn, but these are the moments that endear him to everyone.

The temperature in town is steadily dropping.

The plan is formed: They're going to wait for the town to be occupied at a local temple tonight, then they'll sneak off and drop the map near the Redhood's camp. They do this by summoning a giant eagle and having it leave the map, like a fairy omen. Ludum, and anybody who's spend serious time in Vindred, is aware that fairies often do weird stuff like that, but it's pretty weird one way or the other. But the heroes don't want to leave it up to chance, so Equaarion turns into a cat and dashes toward the Redhood camp to see their reaction.

Ludens know that cats are supernatural creatures, and that hurting them is horrible luck, so they greet Cat-rion and allow him to dash around the camp, figuring him feral. He explores a bit and gets a good look at the leader of the Redhoods - a drow woman, but he doesn't get her name.

The group heads back to the town, where Osvyn is panicking outside the temple. After some debate, the heroes open the doors -- cold to the touch. The inside of the temple is freezing, all the visitors are shivering and yawning.

Osvyn bursts through the doors to the temple and begins barking and panicking, trying to push people out of the door. There's a violent burst of snow and ice and a creature appears in the center of the temple.

It wheezes, "Deshperim..."

Freesia casts mage armor. Equaarion turns into a dinosaur. Rae is guiding the villagers out of the temple.

The villagers are screaming, crying. "The druids have brought the Abyss upon us all!"

Maybe the whole 'improving relationships' thing has a ways to go.

The battle is an uphill climb from the get-go. (But honestly, have I ever run a serious combat that’s been perfectly straightforward and not at all immediately harrowing?) The demon's weakness to fire is clear immediately, and the heroes are pumping tons of damage into it. But the snow and pure aura of despair the demon gives off makes all melee attacks at disadvantage. Equaarion has to drop his dinosaur form and switch to conjuring fire. Freesia casts Blink and begins phasing in and out of reality, popping off fire bolts whenever she can.

But the demon launches a lightning bolt into the crowd, and five villagers go down. The demon begins to fly away.

Oh fuck, right?

Equaarion immediately runs to the villagers, where Ragweed and Osvyn are trying to help them get up. Freesia follows the demon and sees the cellar door of the temple flung open, a trail of ice leading within.

Rae, recalling the cold of the Deep that struck her down months ago in the Bullroarer's Ritual Room, barely has the strength to go on.

Equaarion saves the lives of five villagers, a task they'll never forget, and chases after the rest of the party, who have descended into the cellar to find a rift in the stonework leading to inky blackness.

The two of them are transfixed by the rift. Freesia makes her save thanks to her Lucky feature as a halfling, but Rae, corrupted within by the Abyss, falls into the darkness.

Equaarion drops down. Freesia is panicking.

But Equaarion would never abandon his friends.

He summons Honeyduke, grabs Freesia off the ground, and they all dive into the rift.

They fall for minutes, and land in snow.

They are at the top of a tower, ruined, overlooking what appears to be thousands of structures all collapsed on top of one another. Below that, a black and endless sea. There is no light in this horrendously cold place.

In the distance, a giant red bat shrieks into the perpetual night, and flies through a portal. The party has followed the demon to its home... the entropy of the waking world, that which all shall fall to in time. The very base of the Abyss. The source of Rae's trauma.

Welcome to the Deep.

[fenweak]

Below the cut are 91 fics that feature Jonny and Patrick as creatures that lurk and prey (and snuggle) in the night. From wolfverses to fluffy animal transformations to love/sex magic. I've had such a great time re-reading all of these, as this pairing has been graced by so many amazing authors. Happy reading and happy Halloween!

★ are personal faves

Demons

a dainty dish to set before the king by mockturtletale ★ - demon!Kaner

But then the clocks strike midnight - clocks plural - and that’s weird as fuck, because the year is 2013 and Jonathan Toews doesn’t own any clocks that make that noise. He doesn’t own any clocks that make noise period.

Crossroad Blues by activevirtues- demon!Kaner

In which the demon Patrick Kane gives Jonathan Toews everything he's ever wanted.

Feathers by MJBadger - demon!Kaner, angel!Jonny

Not that Patrick has been snagging many souls or causing much in the way of mischief, lately. He supposes he should go out at some point and play a bit of catch-up. He assumes Jonny's been hanging out on park benches and saving jackasses left and right.

In which Jonny is an angel, and Patrick is a lazy demon.

Sweet and Tender Hooligan (or the post-apocalyptic au) by jezziejay - demon!Kaner

In which Kaner is a daemon of chaos, and Jonny is just trying to hold onto his city. Dystopian universe. Dark. Dark characterisation. A little TW, a litte GoT, and a little Patrick Ness. 

Together Burning Bright - demon!Jonny

Four times Jonny tried to eat Patrick's soul, and the one time he couldn't.

The Creek by mullsandmutts - demon!Kaner, angel!Jonny

Jonathan is a literal angel. Patrick is a literal demon (but with a sweet and kind heart -- it's complicated, okay?). They meet where their worlds are divided and existence might never be the same

Going West - not gonna spoil it but i love it

Jonathan finds the boy along the outskirts of a town market, chained to a post. There's a bronze armband clasped tightly on his forearm, winding around it like a snake, and he stares sullenly at the ground, heedless of Jonathan's gaze, while his toe traces patterns in the dust.

"I want him," Jonathan says to the vendor, pointing.

That's a lie.

Constant as a Northern Star - demon-hunter!Jonny, Pat is his safekeeper

The term "preux" was first used in the scripture that would become known as the Treaty of Avignon [signed in 1156, copies of the original - which was destroyed in the Siege of Harfleur in 1418 - are stored in Prague and Trondheim], marking not only the beginning of the working relationship between vampires and preux but also the use of a term to distinguish the preux from ordinary hunters.

(Or: Jonathan is a good fighter (it doesn't get more AU than this), Patrick waits for him,hates it and is a BAMF no matter the circumstances. Sharpy knows everything but doesn'tbetray anyone's secrets. He's a vampire, he has morals.)

Soulless by ice_hot_13 - demon!Jonny

Jonny used to have a soul.

Vampires

where the wild things are series by liketheroad - twilight AU

Seeing Johnny skate, Patrick realizes two things at the same time. One, Johnny is an incredibly gifted, terrifying hockey player, and two, Patrick is completely and irredeemably gay for him. Also, he’s definitely a vampire, but whatever, Patrick doesn’t really give a shit about that part. (Twilight AU)

Provenance by fourfreedoms ★ - vampire!Jonny  | sorta sequel here

“I uh, didn’t think it would be done so fast,” Patrick said when he arrived. Jonathan stared at him. “Done? You insult me. A good suit, at a lackluster slapdash minimum, needs three-fittings. You’ll be in here for four, I assure you.”

true blood chatfic by doctor_denmark - vampire!Jonny | not fic but still cute

So, sometimes hockey blogs say that Jonathan Toews's playoff fail-beard makes him look like a "victorian era vampire" (repeatedly), and when this happens, I start telling myself about the True Blood au, where Toews is the first vampire to play in the NHL, and Patrick Kane is the deeply closeted hockey player who falls in love with him. Then horrible enablers let me chat-fic at them for hours, and I end up with about 8,000 words, which is 9 times more than i managed on my thesis today.

I'm putting it here, because the world needs to witness my folly.

nature of the immortal being by Mayhem10 - vampire!Kaner

“Wait,” interrupts Jonathan, finally registering Patrick’s rant. “What exactly are you allergic to?”

Patrick waves dismissively. “You know, the usual.”

(In which Patrick is the worst vampire ever and Jonathan grows his own garlic.)

Sealed With A Kiss - (butt)vampire!Kaner

Five minutes after Coach Q explains to his new team that Patrick is indeed a supernatural creature of the night, he’s hustled into the corridor by his cute as hell new captain.

“An ass-eating vampire?” Jonathan asks.

“It’s not like I had a choice,” Patrick says, defensively.

bloodlust - vampire!Kaner 

One Time Patrick Kane Didn’t Drink From Jonathan Toews and Five Times He Did (also known as Vampire Kaner)

so say, what are you waiting for? by nuuclears - vamp!Jonny

“But are you even into this?” Patrick asks, biting his lip at how vulnerable it comes out.

Jonny straightens up fully and stares at him, hands full of gatorade bottles forgotten at his sides. “Kaner, it’s blood,” Jonny tells him incredulously, and ok, a valid point, Patrick does have some idea of how vampires get about blood, but still. It’s not like they’re just drinking from everyone either.

“And,” Jonny says, and blows out a harsh breath of air that he doesn’t even need. “And it’s you,” he admits, like it costs him something.

vampire!kaner AU by allthebros

He comes back to himself with Jonny’s blood in his mouth.

Werewolves 

All Practise and No Play by james - were!Kaner

Sometimes Tazer thinks it's like herding puppies. Actually, no, he thinks that all the time.

by the throat by liketheroad

The one where they're werewolves growing up in Manitoba.

Catalyst - were!Jonny

Full moon’s coming.

It’s about a week out, but even if they didn’t all keep a careful calendar of it, Patrick would know it just by looking at Johnny. Patrick’s known a few werewolves before, some distant family, and Johnny’s got all the hypervigilant aggression he’s used to seeing from them, but what they direct at others—bristling when people get too close, snapping when they’re provoked, showing teeth—Johnny turns inward.

fight or run, you're just getting older (podfic available by AshesandGhost) - were!Kaner 

Contrary to popular belief, weres don't actually need alphas. Patrick never had one, since he's the only person in his family with the gene, and his parents didn't push him into finding one. Alphas make their betas better; they keep them calm and level, they support them, they guide them. Without an alpha, betas are perfectly fine. They're just better with one.

Instincts (podfic available by exmanhater)

They don’t talk about what happens during the moon; and they don’t talk about how Patrick drives over sometimes to curl up on the couch and put his head in Johnny’s lap, jittery all over until he gets the anchoring weight of Johnny’s hand on the back of his neck; and they don’t talk about how Johnny calls him some nights and says, “Come over,” and Patrick does, because Johnny’s head is pounding with the need to get Patrick where he can see him, breathe in the scent of him, know he’s there and well. If they don’t talk about it they can just keep having whatever they need from each other; and that’s what they’ll do, because Johnny is Patrick’s alpha and Patrick needs him to be that for him.

For Johnny, it’s always been more.

I've Got A Feeling (I Hope You're Feeling It Too) by aohatsu - highschool werewolves AU!

When Patrick met Jonny for the first time, it was because they'd both just been picked for the same hockey team. When Patrick netted his first goal during practice, Jonny skated over to give him a congratulatory hug and, well, it's not like he didn't sometimes shift on accident, when he was excited or happy, but it hadn't happened at practice in ages.

Not Passive but Aggressive by reserve

Patrick Kane is a shitty werewolf; Jonathan Toews loves him anyway.

sun sweet berries of the earth series by gasmsinc -  were!jonny, forest spirit!kaner

There is a spirit living in Patrick State Park.

“Listen,” says Jonny. “I didn’t mean to step on your crown.”

The spirit’s bottom lip wobbles.

What If The Storm Ends ★

Here’s how it goes: Pat was out at a club, got bitten by a wolf—wtf?—got yelled at by Abby Sharp, woke up naked on her kitchen table, spent the day hiding in an IHOP, played the most aggressive game of hockey in his career and got mob-bossed off the ice by Sidney Crosby who, for the record, was surprisingly terrifying.

That was Tuesday.

wolf like me by gasmsinc ★ - were!Jonny

When Patrick had imagined his eighteenth birth year celebrations, he hadn’t imagined them taking place in a fortress a thousand miles away from home, surrounded by a people who were only his by marriage, while sitting next to a husband he barely knew.

He had imagined celebrating in Paelford Castle, right there in the great hall where his family had held every celebration, surrounded by the servants and nobles he had known his entire life, his parents and sisters on either side of him. He hadn’t imagined celebrating his eighteenth birth year on his wedding day, either.

Wolfverse by linsky - were!Patrick

Patrick has two goals for himself when he comes to Chicago: Win the Stanley Cup. And don’t let anyone find out he’s a wolf.

Ghost

Transcendence by ice_hot_13 - ghost!Jonny

Jonny shows up at midnight to play at the rink, and Patrick doesn't know who he is, what he's doing, or how the hell he even gets into the building, but Patrick still can't stay away.

If You Like It, Then You Should've Put A Ring On It - stepquietly

Tazer haunts Patrick through his TV and keeps threatening to kill him. And Kaner makes jokes about how Tazer lives at the bottom of a well and still uses a VCR. (The Ring AU crack!fic)

feel your heart beating as clearly as my own - ghost!Jonny

[He still doesn't get enough sleep most nights, and even though Jonny's there, he's notreally there, and he spends a lot of time sitting on the couch staring out the window,Jonny's hand clenched around his, like he's not sure what else to do.]

Jonny dies. Then he starts bothering Patrick.

the ghost & mr. kane - ghost!Jonny

"Uh," he starts. "You--if you're robbing me, you're not doing a great job of it."

"I'm not--I live here!"

"No you don't," says Patrick, dumb. "I live here."

"Yeah, I'm--I'm--I do too."

It snaps together for Patrick, suddenly--the guy's weird muttonchops, his suit, the way he disappeared and reappeared. "You're my ghost?" he asks. Just for confirmation, you know.

"Yes," his ghost says, glowering and still rusty-voiced.

as the ominous others

defrost, debauch, destroy by psocoptera (podfic by exmanhater)  ★ - ???

Beneath the ice, dread things lie dreaming. Or listening to One Direction, whatever.

thy hair soft-lifed by the winnowng wind by forochel ★ - leprechaun!Kaner

He made sure to lay out two saucers, one of spiked milk and one of pure whisky, that night; it was the closest to an apology he could think of.

Anatomy of a Hybrid series by maccabird_23 (abandoned WIP) - magical hybrid AU

Professional sports were chock-full of wolf and dragon hybrids; littered with adept humans but lean on the fairer hybrid. Most elves stayed to the more delicate athletics. Ballet and figure skating being the few sports they excelled at. Elves definitely didn’t play hockey. + Pat was many things but dumb wasn’t one of them. He knew how his teammates looked at him when he got worked up or even worst, turned on. He felt it deep in his gut and couldn’t control as the excitement, anger or arousal blossomed on his skin. Sparks of red and blue taking off from the tips of his pointy ears when he was happy. Deep reds gathering like coal along his scales when he was upset. His lips turning blistering silver before settling on frostbite red whenever he looked at Jonny.

bare those teeth to me please, man-eater - selkie!Jonny

 the one where johnny is a selkie, and patrick is the fisherman's son who loves him.

1988 selkie AU by allthebros - selkie!Jonny

They never give their skin willingly, his grandpa told him. You gotta either steal it and hide it away where they can’t find it, cause, believe it, first chance they got, they’re gone–doesn’t matter if they love you or if they have kids, they love and want the sea more. Or you gotta let them have their skin and let them go once the tryst is over. They don’t stay land-locked by choice, though they can still be happy and love like we do.

Patrick’s grandpa was a wise man, which is why it takes him more than a moment to understand what Jonathan is saying. “Take it, Patrick,” he repeats, his seal-skin all folded up between his strong hands. “I wanna stay.”

But You're So Magnetic by forochel - veela!Kaner 

Kaner comes into his veela heritage on his 24th birthday. Shenanigans and surprise feelings ensue.

call it magic by thundersquall ★ - faerie!Patrick

“It’s the faerie blood in me,” Patrick explains.

Jonny is just not equipped to deal with this shit.

OR, on March 17, Patrick turns into a faerie.

(Can't Help) Faun'in in Love by Miss_Psychotic - faun!Kaner 

When Jonathan is 12, he meets a boy named Kaner.

Crest and Break by hatrickane - mer!Kaner

 Kaner’s life in the deep is more than fulfilling - even despite his fascination with the fisherman who floats on the surface. He knows he has to keep his obsession a secret from the other Merfolk - but no banishment, magic, or legend is going keep him from getting closer to those kind eyes.

Friend Like Me by hatrickane ★ - genie!Jonny

 It wasn’t as beautiful as most oil lamps, Patrick surmised. It was a little stained, the ceramic chipped in places, but a meticulously crafted leaf sat nestled at the open mouth and Kaner dragged his fingertips over it.

It was warm, and he wanted it. Even without knowing what was inside.

First Frost by SimoneClouseau ★ - faerie (unseelie!Jonny)  

When he makes it to the party they ask him where he disappeared to an hour ago and Patrick stares back at them.

“What do you mean an hour?” he says. “It’s been ten minutes.”

Sharpy starts laughing. “Fine, don’t tell us.”

Patrick thinks maybe, just maybe, he’s going insane.

Patrick ends up somewhere he shouldn't be, and Jonathan is forced to claim him to save his life.

I want to meet the kind of folks I've never met by pistol_red - mer!Jonny

In which Johnny is tangled in a net and Patrick is the merman who saves him.

kiss the boy by gasmsinc - mer!kaner

The fish’s head is submerged completely under water. The only thing sticking out is the curve of its back, but Jonny can finally see why it’s stuck: there’s a fishing net hooked on a part of the rock.

It’s then that the fish decides to move again. Its tail thrashes back and forth wildly, and in its panic the fish bangs its broken fin right into the rock. A series of air bubbles pop up to Jonny’s right, but he doesn’t have time to acknowledge how weird that is, because three seconds after the bubbles, a boy’s head pops out of the water.

Jonny yells.

My Heart's in the Sea - Samantha_Holmes - mer!Jonny

When a mermaid named Jonathan saves a prince named Patrick from drowning, little did they know that their lives would be intertwined forever.

Animal Transformations

After Forever After by hockeyhawk ★ - angry frog!Jonny

One moment there was a captain. Next moment there was a frog. Someone has to step up, apparently it's Kaner.

The Hedgehog Can Never Be Buggered At All by forochel - hedgehog kaner

It’s a little known fact that the Kane family are in possession of a genetic quirk — an x-linked recessive gene — that basically boils down to this: Kaner turns into a hedgehog one day and gets stuck.

An Experiment In Hedgehog Physics by exmanhater - hedgehog!Kaner

Hedgehog!Kaner has the best ideas.

Hedgehog!Kaner series by altri_uccelli ★  - hedgehog!Kaner

Uhhhh, hedgehog Kaner in Switzerland.

+

Jon brings him up to his neck, cuddling him against the skin of his throat. He’s always done that, way back before everything. Even though it prickles, even though it gives him a light rash sometimes, he just likes Kaner there.

“Been awhile,” he whispers again.

+ A collection of ficlets and tagfic in the hedgehog!Kaner 'verse.

Better Off With You by tictactoews - hedgehog!Jonny 

Tazer has always seemed prickly on the outside, but he takes it to a whole new level when he turns into an actual hedgehog and becomes dependent on Patrick's care.

Changing on the Fly by mermaid - pitbull!Kaner

"Where's Kaner?" Jonny asks. "Where did this pit bull come from?" Duncs chews on his lip. "Uh, see, there's actually only one answer to both those questions."

Still muzzy with sleep, Jonny blinks at the guys. "So, like – Kaner got me a dog? And sent you two here to deliver it?"

"No," Sharpy says. "No, Kaner is the dog."

Duck Tales - duck!Jonny

“I think he needs floaties.”

Patrick resists the strong urge he gets to slam his head against the wall. “Kaner. He’s aduck; I don’t think they make floaties for them. What kind of duck can’t swim?”

“The kind that are magically transformed hockey players?” Kaner suggests and damn it, hehas a point.

Gone to the Dogs - puppy!Jonny

Jonathan Toews turns into a puppy. Then some other stuff happens.

Hooked on a Feeling (podfic available by exmanhater) - pug!Jonny

The one where Patrick is not exactly Bella Swan and Jonathan is definitely not Sparkly Whatshisname.

OR, THE WERE-PUG AU.

Into Each Life Some Rain Will Fall Like Cat Piss on Your Shoes by james - cat!Kaner

Johnny is waiting for Patrick to get home from Switzerland. What he gets is a surprise.

Slip the Jesses, My Love by flitterflutterfly - literally a hawk!Jonny

Jonny’s gets turned into a hawk and the only one he lets hold him is Patrick

The Cat Crept In by Celly1995 - kitten!kaner

Jonny's not entirely sure why he needed to get back to Chicago so urgently, because he *definitely* doesn't want to admit to himself that he's missing Patrick. But it's just as well he did come home, because Patrick's... not himself.

the skies are not cloudy - buffalo!Jonny

In which Jonathan Toews can turn into a buffalo, and Patrick Kane is the idiot in love with him.

Through the Looking Glass - puppy!Jonny, kitten!Kaner

The fic where Tazer becomes a puppy and Kaner turns into a kitten, but Sharpy still doesn't see any difference in how they behave.

To push a frozen rope - kitten!Kaner

It's just another day in the Blackhawks locker room when Patrick Kane decides to turn into a puppy.

you come around and the armor falls by altri_uccelli - puppy!Jonny

Patrick's in bed when he hears it, and at first it sounds like a peep that a phone might make, but then it happens again, elongated like a whine. His only theory is that it's a mouse, caught somewhere, and if Jonny's going to make a nuisance of himself by staying when he's not invited, he can damn well take care of this.

Bonus: IGAL 'verse by svmadelyn has an amazing tumblr tag that has ficlets and tag!fics with puppy!Tazer and doggo kids. Warning cuteness overload

Love & Sex & Magic

#1 Crush - sex magic

Patrick shows up at his and Jonny's hotel room under the influence of sex magic. 5000 words of porn ensues.

caring is creepy by liketheroad ★ - truth magic

When he gets out of the shower Johnny stares at him like Kaner’s the best thing he’s ever seen, which weirds Kaner out even more than the rest of this situation, because what, not even Johnny’s eyes can lie, now? This is some fucked up shit. Fucking Canucks fans, seriously.

 In which Tazer is truth whammied by a Canucks fan and it turns out he has a lot of feelings. Mostly about Kaner. But also about bacon.

Changing the Rules of the Game by Herwhereabouts - magic powers

Tazer has a concussion and is desperate to get better, while Kaner has healing powers he is unaware he possesses. Much drama ensues.

still into you by altri_uccelli - gender transformation

It's not even 12 hours after Jonny discovers he's a girl that he's sprawled on an itchy sofa, biting on his fist and being eaten out by Patrick Kane. He can't believe that a day exists in which having oral sex with Kaner, his oldest friend on the team and frequently a pain in his ass, is not the weirdest thing to happen.

A Handy Guide To Making You Feel Good by fourfreedoms and joyfulseeker - gender transformation

When it had first happened, body melting into this new form right there in front of all the guys, he’d demanded an answer from Jonny. “Did you see this coming?” A five first times fic.

+ “Um…” Patrick says, staring at the water beading down over the curve of one breast and along his taut stomach.

“What?” Jonny asks, furrowing his brows.

Patrick finally gets the chance to lend a helping hand.

Hanging on a Moment of Truth - sex magic

As it turns out, the weird sex magic is the least of Kaner's problems.

i mingle with divinity by mockturtletale - lucky sex magic

“Hey,” Patrick says, putting his hand on Jonny’s thigh, feeling giving, “It’s totally us. You and me, we’re golden when our boners touch. It’s just what happens after that’s unnatural or whatever.”

roving eye ravenous by toomanyhometowns ★ - possession

He opened his mouth to start talking and blinked.

So Deep in My Heart (That You're Really a Part of Me) by kiwoa - bodyswap

"No way," Jonny says, and he slowly turns his - Kaner's - head from side to side, watching the muscles in his face and neck shift. He licks his lips; it tastes wrong. His left wrist feels too stiff and his legs and stomach look too skinny and his hair still itches, damnit. Jonny scratches the back of his neck with nails that are too long and uncomfortably ragged.

"Okay," he says slowly. "Okay, this is not good."

Symptomatic by snapple_jax - sex magic

“What, like it’s hard?” Jonny parrots along with Elle Woods. He side-eyes Patrick, fully prepared for the gleeful chirp about how he knew Jonny loved this movie all along.

Only Pat’s turned an alarming shade of red before scurrying to the bathroom, blanket trailing behind since he couldn’t untangle himself fast enough.

the gift of obedience - obedience magic

Patrick will be fine without Jonny. Really. All he has to do is track down Lucinda and get her to break the spell. He doesn’t even have to liberate an oppressed magical species or find true love along the way.

The Hug Offensive by ingenius - magic powers

When he's five, Patrick figures out that he has a super power. He thinks it's awesome.

under your skin by hazel - bodyswap

Patrick goes to bed that night in Tazer’s guest room. It’s not the first time he’s slept there, but it’s the first time he’s tried to sleep in Tazer’s body. His legs want to kick out weirdly into the corners of the bed, and his head can’t find a comfortable position on the pillow. He drops off eventually anyway, worn from the current of rage he’s been carrying around all day and the constant slow rhythm of Tazer’s heartbeat, drumming in his chest like a cage.

yours and/or mine by demotu - bodyswap

Jonny shows Patrick how it works. And by "it", I mean his dick. Jonny's, but temporarily Patrick's.

love is a contact sport by hazel and mermaid ★ - soul bond

"And the tragic reality of Patrick's life is that even though they broke up over a year ago, he and Johnny still play beautiful hockey together."

A high school AU, featuring dream-fish, bad movie dates, and a little bit of magic.

glory days by liketheroad - soul bond

He never expected his destiny to involve anything but hockey, never thought it would show up in flip flops, but when Patrick smiles at him across the locker room, quick and surprised, Johnny lets his priorities shift and change without a hint of reluctance or regret.

22 by aohatsu ★- soulmate

There’s no other explanation. His soulmate must have turned twenty-two yesterday.

more magical Realism and fantasy

say it with flowers by hazel ★

GOOD WORK, YOUNG HAWK, the oak tree outside his building booms once the season’s over, and Patrick smiles sleepily in its direction.

He's never been sure how the trees of Chicago know about hockey—trees hear a lot, but it's not like he's ever stopped in a public park to ask one about it.

The Purity Myth by downjune ★

Patrick Kane is a unicorn—the ferocious, foul-mouthed, man-hating kind.

these are the fables on my street by Fahye ★

Patrick makes a fucking superhuman effort, sweeps up the mess of his emotions, and stashes his incipient freakout about all of this somewhere in the back of his mind where he can have it later. When Jonny's back in the driver's seat, and Patrick's had a chance to bring up the whole blowjobs-and-beach-walks issue. Focused on the win, that's Patrick Kane.

Custos by hatrickane

The legend goes as this: The Sorcerer of Mount Custos, the guardian, serves as the protector of the farmfolk.

Patrick thinks it's bullshit.

I have as much soul as you (and full as much heart) by Mayhem10

Jonathan Toews was born with only half a heart. He didn't know that the other half existed, let alone that it was held by some irritating American named Patrick Kane.

A Magical Realism AU

May your past be the sound by elareine

After that, Jonny set some rules for himself.

1. No using his power for himself. That just looked like a slippery slope to him. Helping others was fine, though. 2. Consequently, no manipulating the outcome of a game, no matter how badly he wished to change the way he’d played. That would be unfair and undermine any victories. 3. No relationships with teammates. Not related to the time travel thing, but important enough to include in this list. Just because he could turn back time didn’t mean he had to create any more opportunities for a giant clusterfuck than necessary.

(Five times Jonny travelled back in time, one time he couldn't, and one time he chose not to.)

Like a Leaf That's Caught In the Tide by Frosting50

For more than 200 years the Toews men have been blamed for everything that’s ever gone wrong in the town of Pumpkin Hollow. Or the Practical Magic AU no one asked for.

bring it if you really want it by staraflur

It starts like this:

Well, okay, Patrick has no idea how it actually starts. But as pertains to him (in other words, the important part), it goes a little something like so: America, being a nation composed in large part of a melting pot of immigrants who may or may not have taken over land already owned by others using less-than-savory means, doesn’t have much of a magical national identity. Much less a magical continental identity. There’s no grand heritage going back thousands of years. Magical families home-schooled all their kids until, like, the 1800’s, and tough for the muggle-born, apparently. Hopefully you got noticed by someone who knew what to do with you before you got burned at the stake. Since you probably can’t control your powers, sport.

forget met (not) by hippietoews

“You're remembering him, aren't you?" Pat asks. Jon hums quietly.

After the battle with Pitch, Jon never talked about his memories. He didn't share anything about his previous life with the other Guardians. He knows that they have memories of their own previous lives, but they seem so unattached to them now.

Who they are now is what matters.

Long Way Home by tictactoews

Jonathan Toews is a young heir to the Winnipeg castle and estate, but this comfortable and sheltered life is not what he really wants. When circumstances force him to join a group of Grey Wardens - warriors dedicated to defend the world against monstrous enemies - Jonathan finds a new life and new friends, including two runaways from the neighboring country of Orlais, an old friend who's now back in his life, and a rogue elf who will come to mean more to Jonathan than he ever expected anyone could.

Dragon Age AU. No prior knowledge of the game necessary to read this story.Spoilers (if any) for Origins and Awakening.No spoilers for Inquisition.

the times i spent with you

"Pat plays Quidditch because not playing feels like dying. It's just that simple." Quidditch AU

through the mirrored maze

Jonathan's relationship with his daemon is different from anyone else's.

together again for the very first time by draftingletters

Like, seriously, this is the great fucking irony of Kaner’s life. You’d think it’d be pretty awesome, having powers of prophecy and all that, but all the dreams that end up coming true are so hideously fucking boring. It’s the perfectly natural normal dreams his brain spits out that are fucked up. The kind where he plays for the Ducks, or is a professional florist, or a neon green elephant. Or banging Tazer.

the walls kept tumbling down (in the city that we loved) series by altri_uccelli 

“Patrick wonders idly what Toews' daemon is; something like a python, maybe, or a bird of prey. It would just figure if it were a hawk, Patrick thinks in disgust; he's already starting to hate Toews a little so he tries to dial it back. Then he notices a big cat—some kind of, like, mountain lion—sitting well apart from the other daemons. It's watching the ice intently, and if Patrick had anyone to bet with, he knows where he'd put his money.”

+ fighting dragon remix ★ by altri_uccelli

A month ago, Jon thinks: a month ago he hadn't even heard of daemons, hadn't yet had his life turned upside down by a talking otter and a boy with dimples and the smoothest skin he'd ever touched and secrets held close behind long-lashed blue eyes.

world enough and time

The effect is instantaneous: Jonathan jerks forwards, gasping, and over the white-noise screaming his eyes are wide and frightened and fiercely alive. In that instant Patrick thinks, clear as a bell, god, he’s gorgeous. Fuck. (A Pushing Daisies AU.)

For fic inquires. Rec me a fic? Happy reading!

[trisockatops]

Teens are getting queerer. According to a recent trend-forecasting report by J. Walter Thompson Innovation Group, 13- to 20-year-olds (known as Generation Z) are even more sexually fluid than millennials—while 65 percent of millennials identify as exclusively heterosexual, only 48 percent of Generation Z does. The "trend" is unsurprising—increased legal protection, social acceptance, and media visibility of the LGBTQ community have afforded more opportunities for queer people to love in the open. That being said, according to the National Coalition of Anti-Violence Programs, a national advocacy group for local LGBTQ communities, 2016 was the deadliest year on record for LGBTQ folks, and that's not counting the 49 victims of the Pulse nightclub massacre.

As the purview of queerness expands and the need for political solidarity and resistance against LGBTQ violence becomes all the more necessary, how can we think critically and compassionately about desire, identity, and labels? I talked to Suzy Exposito, Ales Kot, McKenzie Wark, Whitney Mallet, Davey Davis, and Javier Nunez Cespedes, a group of individuals who deal with issues of identity in their personal and professional lives, about love with or without labels.

Ana Cecilia Alvarez: What's your relationship to questions of desire and identity?

Suzy: I am a bisexual woman in a long-term relationship with a bisexual man. At this point in my life, I refuse to date straight people. In my experience, they just don't understand certain fundamental things about my friends and me. That said, I could generally say the same about monosexual people. I have been on dates with cis lesbians and felt a similar lack of common ground. Because I wouldn't "pick a side," my sexual identity was always in flux to them and not to be trusted. I don't think my sexual orientation is in flux at all!

Ales: Before people used the word "queer" to describe me, they called me "weird." But when I moved to Prague and lived on my own for the first time, I slept with girls and boys, and had threesomes and group sex. I realized that people would have these impositions on what it means to be queer for them. I didn't want to narrow it down too much. If someone asked, I'd tell them I'm bisexual. Of course, I could see many people judging the shit out of me. But, even though I pass as a straight dude, the fact of the matter is that I am a fluid sex monster.

McKenzie: I am somebody who passes for a straight person. I am reluctant to be a spokesperson for queerness because I get to avoid all of the difficulties that are involved in that. I don't advertise, but if people ask, I'll them that I've had sex with men, and I will again.

Javier: I'm a transgender mixed-race Latino who identifies as bisexual. I like to joke that I've identified with literally every letter in LGBTQ at some point.

Ana: Has identifying—or not—as queer resolved anything for you? Or how has it complicated things?

Javier: Part of the beauty of "queer" is that it doesn't have a real definition and that it's open-ended, but that also can be a major drawback to it. By not having a concrete definition, people can use it any way they want, and it can and definitely has been co-opted. Also "queer" doesn't really say anything about someone's sexuality. When someone tells me they identify as either gay, lesbian, or bisexual, I have a better idea of who they date. To me, "queer" has always had radical anti-oppression trans-inclusive meaning behind it, but it's clearly not the definition everyone uses.

Whitney: I guess I would reluctantly identify as queer. I don't think of queer as an essentialist identity. It's about identifying with certain politics. It is a decision of what community I want to call my community. People still ask me if I am gay or straight. Sometimes I think, maybe it's on the way, maybe by the time I'm 30 I'll be gay. Or I'll always be slutty. In life, we're always becoming, so it's fine.

Davey: The amazing thing about being able to come out and find a name for yourself as a queer person is that you feel like you fought for it. My partner and I have both had family members who completely rejected us. So it's this thing that I've fought for, it's my identity, it's who I am—you get defensive and protective with it. And so I can see people's kneejerk reaction, Oh, are they really [queer]?The more compassionate me, and the part of me that has been in that position, knows that's bullshit, to be like, Oh, they're not really [queer]. And as much as we fought for our identities, at the same time, identity is fluid, and fluidity is challenging for most people. Even if you are gender fluid or your sexuality is fluid, labels are, by definition, rigid.

Ana: To me, labels seem imperfect, at times flattening, but politically necessary. Sometimes we need solidarity and shared identities. What do you think?

McKenzie: It's crucial to remember that there are a lot of men who sleep with other men that do not think they are gay. They aren't in the closet or in denial. They just have different categories. Some people don't think having sex with men is an identity. It's an act, and you might have other acts you do and other identities.

Davey: When I had just come out, I had an instinct to taxonomize: "I am a femme boy." But I've moved away from that because I've lived in the world long enough as a gender-nonconforming woman that visibility isn't exciting anymore. I've realized that being visible isn't that great. It's pretty scary, and most people outside of your community think you're gross, and it affects your chances of getting a job. Foucault said that visibility is a trap. We all want to be seen and understood and be known for what we are, but unfortunately, if what you are is queer or bisexual, they will hate you.

Ana: Visibility is a trap! Either you're legible in mainstream culture—you pass—yet you aren't seen as queer in queer communities, or you're visibly queer, and thereby a target for homophobic and transphobic violence.

Suzy: Visibility makes all the difference in how you experience queerness. Visibility makes you more vulnerable to attack. And it's a threat that not all queer people face equally. I'm a cis femme woman with long hair, and men harass me all day for being a woman, but absolutely no one knows I'm queer unless I'm with someone who more visibly is. On the other hand, my partner is a drag performer and very gender fluid, but on most days he presents masculine for his safety. On days when we're both femme, we're much more prone to harassment. Not everyone's queer presentation is so conditional, though, so we have to be mindful about how much space our voices take up and which experiences are simply not ours to claim.

Javier: Disclosing being trans or bi is a choice I can make every day. What I can't choose is walking out of the house every day as a Latino man. I experience way more gender-based violence (mostly from the NYPD) in that way than I ever did before I started medically transitioning. It's something I wish I'd been prepared for. It seems like the people wrapped up with visibility around their sexuality are cis white people. It feels like a luxury that people of color and a lot of trans people do not have. I just want to go out in the world and not be worried about being attacked or killed. I don't care about the rest.

Ana: One way I've been trying to think about this is by shifting questions of queer authenticity—is someone really queer or not?—to queer accountability. Are there certain actions or values we can hold one another accountable for as members of a community?

Ales: I ask, How can I encourage a sense of safety around myself and my home? How can I contribute my own energy? On the most immediate level, I think about just listening. I think just listening to people and not comparing or trying to place them is crucial.

There is a level of performative allyship and people trying to ride on the wave of a higher social consciousness more than they actually care for others. I don't know what to do with that except to be sure that I don't do it.

Whitney: I think there are moments when checking is important. I was at my next-door neighbor's New Year's party, and there was a moment where I noticed there were a lot of straight people there. It's a predominantly gay and trans space, and I think it's worth thinking about how you literally are taking up space at parties. There was a line, and at a certain point, other people couldn't get in, and for some of the people, that's the only party that's welcoming for them.

Davey: This reminds me of who gets to be at pride. I do think straight people need to think three or four or five times about whether they should go to some queer event, even if other queers are bringing them. But, if the ultimate goal is liberation of some kind from white cis hetero imperialist Western patriarchy, it can't come down to "make sure there are no heteros at the party." Probably, straight people shouldn't be at pride, but if you're the kind of straight person who's going to march with us, and protect us, and work with us, we can work together on the larger political goal of liberation.

McKenzie: When you get to middle age, it's just not that big of a deal anymore. I'm into this or that, and I'm going to go and get it with whoever is up for it. It's so much easier. I get why it was important in my 20s and 30s, but now I am not worried about if I am or am not this or that queer being now. I'll just go find my friends.

My favorite quotes from this that I just want to emphasize:

Davey: And as much as we fought for our identities, at the same time, identity is fluid, and fluidity is challenging for most people. Even if you are gender fluid or your sexuality is fluid, labels are, by definition, rigid.

Javier: Disclosing being trans or bi is a choice I can make every day. What I can't choose is walking out of the house every day as a Latino man. I experience way more gender-based violence (mostly from the NYPD) in that way than I ever did before I started medically transitioning. It's something I wish I'd been prepared for. It seems like the people wrapped up with visibility around their sexuality are cis white people. It feels like a luxury that people of color and a lot of trans people do not have. I just want to go out in the world and not be worried about being attacked or killed. I don't care about the rest.

[lesmotsincompris]

I was tagged by the sweet @annedey. Sorry this took me forever to answer, those questions were hard!

Rules:  Always post the rules, answer the questions given to you, then write 10 questions of your own, and tag some friends!

Her questions for me:

1. Who is your favorite classical tragic greek heroin?

I know next to nothing about Greek tragedies, so I’m afraid I can’t give a proper answer :( 

2. If you could study something at a university level just for the pleasure of learning without the pressure of your future job/grades/teaching tuitions what would it be?

So many things, but mostly Art, Art History, and Literature. Maybe History too.

3. Favorite foreign book (in relation to your own home country)?

Well, technically all my favorite books are foreign in relation to my home country... so the answer is my favorite book, The Little Prince.

4. What is your dream house?

Oh boy, I have a lot of ideas for that. Mostly:

It can be a huge mansion or a cozy apartment, as long as the decoration is perfect. 

I love modern home designs, especially those that use the space well because I have a lot of crap to store.

It would definitely need a ton of shelves for my books. And my action figures. I’m guessing both collections would be even bigger if I can even afford a house in this scenario!

Also lots of plants and green.

And a pool. Preferably one of those with a cool design too.

Also a bathtub. Am I a water person? I’m definitely a water person.

It could be one of those minimalist black or white palettes with a few bright colors for contrast, but I’ve seen a lot of great decorations using wood or stone too.

Well lit. Very well lit.

Not a single object wouldn’t be pretty according to my personal aesthetic.

Lots of artwork (and in this scenario I have money to buy stuff from all my favorite artists).

Maybe a mezzanine? In an apartment it would be cool.

It should have something fun too, like a slide connecting different floors or a secret passage.

Please don’t give me those glass walls. It’s beautiful, but I’ve seen too many horror movies and it would freak the hell out of me.

Though, you know, in this economy I’m already happy if I could ever afford a house.

5. One historical person, who is considered terrible by the majority, but you are really interested in and why?

Basically every historical lady we ever heard something bad about?

6. What artistic activities (drawing, writing, sculpting etc) are you the most talented in?

I’d say I’m pretty good with writing, good with drawing, decent with painting, and passable with sculpture. Terrible with music and dancing. What is rhythm.

7. Is there a recent movie praised by everyone that you can’t stand?

That’s complicated because I haven’t seen many recent movies lately. Off the top of my head: I really hate The Revenant, I’m lukewarm at best towards Frozen and Brave, and The Artist is nice but highly over-rated and should not have won that Academy Award over Hugo. There, I said it.

8. Boom you are granted 50 000 € (free of taxes), what do you do with them?

Leave this shithole of a country and move to Europe. Yeah, I know Europe is far from perfect, but damn if it doesn’t sound better than here.

9. A famous unsolved mystery that you really wish you could know what exactly happened?

I was gonna say “find out the true story behind My Immortal”, but apparently we solved this one already. Idk, any mystery sounds fascinating to me.

10. What is the most beautiful place you have ever seen?

Oh, that’s tricky, especially because the question is very ambiguous. Are we talking about natural wonders? Human-created wonders? A country, a city, a building...?

If we’re talking about natural beauty, I’d go with Baby Beach in Aruba or Valle Nevado in Chile. Though sadly I haven’t been to a lot of naturally beautiful places (despite living in a naturally beautiful country; you should see how much traveling costs here). 

If we’re talking about cities as a whole, then Brussels and Dresden were impressive, Prague, Rome and Florence are must-sees, and London and Paris are old favorites.

If we’re talking about buildings or parks or other human-created stuff, the list os too huge. Probably some barroque thing, I’m a barroque bitch.

---

Okay now I’m supposed to tag people to answer then questions, so here are my ten questions:

1. What’s something you’re proud about yourself? 

2. What's on your travel wishlist?

3. If you could master any skill instantly, without all the practice and hard work that it would usually require, what would you choose?

4. Name a book/movie/tv show/etc. that changed your life and why.

5. What are the traits that your perfect partner must have? And/or the flaws it can’t have? (it can be a romantic partner or not, your choice)

6. What’s your dream job? You can choose anything regardless of the requirements or how difficult it would be to actually get this job.

7. How many languages are you fluent in? And if you could choose any other languages to be fluent in, what would you pick?

8. What are your biggest dreams/goals in life?

9. What are your favorite sounds?

10. Tell us an interesting fact about you!

I’m tagging @therebelgalaxy, @rosehustle1, @lovelyandweird, @adiffrntbeat and @bythegardengate for reasons, but anyone else that wants to do it can do it and tag me back to see the answers :)

[wearecounterfeit]

MoshHTF interviewed the guys at Slam Dunk. They talk touring, album and future plans. Things get deep.

MOSH: How has the weekend been so far for you guys? You haven’t played Slam Dunk before, have you?

RJ: No, we’ve never played. I came last year and it was great. It was good vibes so I knew we’d enjoy it.The shows have been really good.

MOSH: Have you managed to catch anyone’s set/ looking forward to seeing anyone today?

JCB: I’m going to see the Bronx, I haven’t managed to catch those guys yet. Stray From The Path as well, they’ve been amazing – we caught their set on Saturday. Decade, who we just took out on the road, have been amazing we love those guys. We caught Don Broco and Crossfaith yesterday as well so we’ve just been running around trying to catch as much as possible.

MOSH: The album has been out for a few months now and you guys have been touring across Europe and the UK. How have the past few months been for you guys?

SB: More than anything we can really expect. I’m not sure I expected anything and then to play the shows and see the feedback we got, talking to people at shows and seeing their enthusiasm has been fucking awesome.

MOSH: You guys are a pretty young band, but you spent a lot of time on the road so people have really hyped up the album before it was released. Did you feel there was a lot of pressure leading up to it?

JCB: I think so. With anything creative that you ever do, you always struggle with that in general. You have weeks of going “Oh my god, this is great, I can’t wait to get this out” and then you have weeks and moments of going “Holy shit, is this right or is this the worst thing I’ve ever fucking done and people are going to hate it?” There was pressure with it for sure, and we were constantly back and forwards on FaceTime everyday like “Is this any good? Do we do this?”

It’s not something we should concern ourselves with but if you’re being honest, everyone will go through that. Whatever it is you are putting out into a public sphere for people to either appreciate to judge, you’re always going to fear that. So there was this pressure, but once it was out, there was a definite weight that was released.

MOSH: Especially since the general reaction has been great.

JCB: From what we’ve seen and from people that we’ve spoken to, the reaction has been nothing short of overwhleming for us. We’re a young band, we made a record and then people are listening to it and liking it. That’s fucking crazy.

MOSH: The record is called ‘Together We Are Stronger’, which is a great sentiment but is there any particular reason why you decided to go with that?

JCB: Yeah, when we started the band, that saying and that motto was our complete ideology. Behind the album, with the lyrical content and the whole throughline of what the record is, there is a sort of semi-political message behind it for sure. It’s not something that we purposefully went out and tried to achieve, I think that’s just the nature of writing – you take in what’s going on in your environment and our environment at the moment is incredibly disjointed and confusing.

On a more personal level as well, for me as a writer, what I was trying to do lyrically was expose myself as much as possible in my flaws and what it means to basically be a person. In opening myself and us up to that, it’s the hope that maybe somewhere out there there’s somebody that feels the same way. The unity that comes from that is our togetherness and is therefore our strength. So that was predominantly the message, but I think behind the record there’s also this idea of hope that it’s not as bad as it all seems.

MOSH: So some of the lyrics are pretty heavy – was it quite difficult at times to write or was it more cathartic for you?

JCB: I think a cathartic process is in itself a painful process. By going into the things that are painful and writing about them or releasing them, one does alleviate some of that stress and that pain. In terms of actual writing time, the song by song came pretty quickly. It’s a blessing, I think as a band releasing your first record, you don’t have all this outside noise of being confined into one space. Therefore your freedom is a lot more, so there was never a conscious thing of “Do we have to write like this?” It was just natural for us. It was both cathartic and painful.

MOSH: Your live shows tend to get pretty intense – you’re always in the crowd, one the crowd, climbing up things. How important is it for you to break that boundary between the stage and the crowd?

SB: For me, the way that I feel is I want to play a show the way it feels to go to a show. I know what I feel when I go to one and I can’t help but want to feel that way when I’m on stage as well. It just happens, it’s always a great shared experience.

MOSH: Do you ever fear things might get out of hand?

SB: It’s not a fear, but a sense of hope.

JCB: It’s a demand! No, but really, we’ve been fortunate that the people that come to our shows are such a varied and wide group of people. We don’t have the fear of someone going out there and being a fucking idiot in the middle of a circle pit, which we’ve all either read stories about or seen. If that were to ever happen at one of our shows, we would sure as shit call someone out on it because that’s not cool and that’s not okay. We like to get our crowd going, but what I really enoy about our shows is that there’s always a level of respect for the audience and audience members between themselves, and that’s we try to push.

MOSH: Can we expect the same atmosphere today as at one of your headline shows?

JCB: I hope so.

RJ: We’ll be doing the same, we’ll keep rolling with the punches.

JCB: We go out there and play, at festivals or headline shows, we are going to go out there and do the same thing no matter what. I don’t think a band or an artist should change their performance based on their crowd. I’ve said this a lot, our show is always a very reactive show and if it’s a slightly more languid audience I’m going to get in there and get the crowd going. Like “Come on, we need to do this. It’s together time. You want to go stand around? Go see Ed Sheeran.”

MOSH: As you’ve spent most of your time on the road, do you still remember your first show?

SB: It was at the Academy in Islington. December 18th 2015. It was good. I’d been at university for a while so I hadn’t been playing shows ffor a long time. It was the first show I played in like years. Performance wise, we’ve changed a lot but I remember getting on stage and feeling fucking awesome. I loved it.

JCB: We were fortunate enough at our first ever show to have Steve Bewley, who does lights for Shikari. he came and did lights for us at our first ever show.

MOSH: Did you shit your pants?

JCB: Yeah, I shat myself several times during that show. Then I decided it would be a good idea to take my trousers off mid show.

MOSH: Mid shit?

JCB: Yes, I went full GG Allin on it and it was amazing. No, I promised people that if we sold it out, I’d get the date tattooed on a part of my body. And we did, we sold it out so I got a tattoo on my leg.

TM: What better way to get to the ladies than to take your trousers off?

JCB: Right? People need to see that.

SB: I’m not too sure about that…

MOSH: What are your plans for the rest of the year? I’m assuming it is too early for me to be asking for about new material at this point?

JCB: We’re definitely thinking, we’re definitely writing. We’re planning, but mainly it’s festivals for us. We’ve got some incredible bills that we’re playing on – we’re playing Reading & Leeds on Dan Carter’s stage, which is great. Next weekend we’re in Switzerland and Prague playing with Mallory Knox, Linkin Park, Machine Gun Kelly, Enter Shikari. The whole summer is kind of booked up with festivals, which is going to be great. We’re definitely writing and thinking. The first record was such a flow that that we want that to happen again. We just need to see how it goes, get into a room and make some serious noise.

Find the interview here.

[literarymusings-blog1]

Dinner with Locals at Lokal

It was the fourth and final day of my excursion. I’d been cooped up in the claustrophobic Venetian streets for far too long and needed an escape. Prague had been the best bet. It had beer, actual streets, and friends from home.

           I’d spent the better part of the past four days eating. My heart and asshole both had been pumping gulash continually. But tonight I was determined, I would eat and drink past my hearts content. I would enter a realm reserved for the finest of meals, after which you’re so full, you moan on someone’s couch and regret all your life’s decisions.

           I’d read about Lokal, on Vice (that’s how all yuppies get their information in foreign cities) and decided it deemed worthy of a last supper. I wanted to go alone as I ventured forth on my crusade to wreck my self without checking myself. But the instant I arrived I realized my crucial mistake: no one eats out alone. I, alone, was placed at a table made for six.

           Not allowing a little awkwardness to subdue my cravings of obliterating my cholesterol levels, I flagged down the waiter. As per Czech tradition, I ordered half a liter of beer before even glancing at the menu. I sipped at the frothy beer as I perused a menu consisting of various combinations of the ways you can cook potatoes, pork, and cabbage.

           Now, for reference, I had walked through the doors of Lokal full. I’m talking, literally ate a full meal an hour before I came full. But this did not deter me from ordering homemade sausages with a sea of mustard and horseradish as an appetizer followed by a deep plate of goulash with a side of eight bread dumplings (for the uninformed, bread dumplings are just bread but condensed so that they expand in your stomach so as to cause horrible discomfort).

           I polished of the first half liter of beer the second those beautiful sausages hit the table. They were not like the sissy things we call sausages in the States. These babies were as long as my forearm. Shortly after the sausages arrival to my calorie party, the second half liter of beer was slapped down next to me.

           I reveled in the glory of the sausages, eating all of them and wiping the leftover mustard and horseradish up with bread chunks. By the last bite, I could feel a slight doubt in my stomach.

“You don’t need more food!” it said.

           But before I could think, the gulash dropped down. I marveled at the thick brown liquid, full of cabbage and meat. It looked like what Jesus would’ve eaten at his own last supper. It took about five minutes, and half the plate, for my stomach to really catch up with what was being thrown down the hatch. The protest had started steady with the sausages, but now my stomach was pressed tight, daringly attempting to make me quit. But who would I be to stop when I’m full? So I powered on, washing the bites down with hefty portions of beer. I had eaten almost everything on the plate when I realized with growing horror, I had done something I thought inconceivable, eaten too much.

           Now for most people, eating too much means “oh gosh I seem to have eaten a little too much here! I was full but took a single bite more, now I have a little stomach ache”. But that is how I usually feel after any meal. I quite literally was going to vomit. Its like when you drink that last drink and think “fuck, here goes, where’s the bathroom?” except it was with a bite of meat and cabbage.

           Thankfully, at just this moment, the waiter decided to fill the rest of my table’s six seats with five people I’d never met. Five large Czech faces looked at me.

           “Do you mind if we sit with you?” they asked, first in Czech, then in English as they saw my initial confusion.

           “Go for it” I exhaled, as I felt some sausage threaten to respond as well.

           They started talking amongst themselves. I realized I couldn’t run off now without being extremely rude. I stared at the table, sweating.

           “Fuck me why did I eat this much???” I wondered

           “So where are you from?” asked the man sitting across from me

           Godammit

           “The States, New York” I replied with effort

           Please don’t fucking talk to me, I will vomit on you.

           Sadly, my exasperation wasn’t communicated and we launched into a tirade of conversation, only interrupted by my burping as my stomach committed genocide on itself.

           Yet this was not the worst of it. The waiter had arrived with an armful of beer mugs. Seeing my mug empty, the man across from me signaled the waiter for a new beer.

           “Oh god no, no I can’t, but thank you”

           The man looked at me with confusion. He wasn’t even insulted, it was the confusion of being in a situation he just could not fully comprehend. Why would I not want another beer?

           “Seriously, I’m fine” I said

           “Have you drunken too much?” he asked

           “No no, just too much food” I replied

           He nodded, still confused, and frowned a little at my strained and visibly sweaty face.

           “Suit yourself”

           Jesus, I needed to get out of there.

           I hurriedly flagged down the waiter and in a pleading voice asked for the check (I could make a horrible pun about Czech/Check but I have some dignity, gosh). I looked at the check and put down a wad of cash, seriously over tipping. I needed to get out to the fresh air then and there.

           The group at my table looked a little taken aback as I rose, food still on the plate.

           “Are you sure you don’t want another beer? For the road?”

           “Oh no, I’m fine, wonderful meeting y’all!” I yelled back as I speed walked to the front door.

           I banged out into the cold Prague and inhaled. Doubling over, I put my hands on my knees but, to my amazement, no fountain of gulash poured out. I had survived. Even the rich Czech food couldn’t deal a fatal blow to my stomach.

           I stood there for a second, getting weird looks from passersby. The pain in my stomach hadn’t subsided but I hadn’t vomited. I rose and staggered toward the train, gripping my swollen abdomen.

           After I got back to where I was staying, I lay on the couch moaning, regretting all my decisions.

           To the reader that is appalled at this, who eats just until they’re full: Don’t think this was a lesson, I’m gonna do this shit again.