#but like i am really struggling just being awake lately for some reason

[drowpaladin]

quick screenshot of my next character, J'Zurah, crossposted from the blue skies. honestly my brain has been at about 5% for at least a week, i can't concentrate and keep losing whole days at a time basically x.x hoping to feel better and get some free time soon for this pure mage/support run and actually stick with it for a long time T-T

[image id: a screenshot from skyrim of J'Zurah, a white and black-spotted khajiit with lion-like facial features and a white mane. he has a white chest and belly with top surgery scars and 3 black crescent moon patterns on his belly he has ice blue eyes and another black crescent moon mark on his forehead.]

[cosmiicfairy]

.

[wordsmeetwbb]

Not Just Friends

Word count: 1.8k

Content: fluff

Pairing: Pazzi

Notes: I needed a break from writing smut so here's a little something about Paige and Azzi figuring out they're gay! Obviously we don't know how this happened (if it happened, but let's be honest. they play women's basketball. the odds are high.), but this is just my take on how I think those realizations would have gone. Enjoy, and as always, let me know what you think!

________

Paige was 16 when she realized that what she felt for Azzi was more than just friendship. It was August, just over a year after they had met during USA basketball. They had settled into a routine over the summer. Although they were separated by half the country, they were closer than ever.

Every evening around eight o’clock, Paige Facetimed Azzi. More often than not, Azzi picked up on the first ring and they stayed on the call until one of them (Azzi) fell asleep. Paige missed Azzi with every fiber of her being, but she knew she was lucky to talk to Azzi as much as she did. She felt lucky that Azzi wanted to talk to her as much as she did.

On one of those Facetime calls, late into the night, Paige was yapping to Azzi while the brunette struggled to keep her eyes open. Really, it wasn’t Azzi’s fault. It was nearly two in the morning and Paige hadn’t stopped talking since midnight. She had tried to annoy Azzi into staying awake for a while, but then she felt bad and let the tired girl drift off, content to provide background noise with the endless amount of stories she wanted to tell Azzi.

“And then she like, she just fuckin’ chopped it! All of it! Like a foot of hair, Az. And I was like, ‘That’s crazy,’ and she was like ‘Not all of us have emotional attachments to our hair, Paige,’ but that’s not fair. I’m not emotionally attached, I’m just picky about my gameday hair, y’know?” Paige rambled to a mostly unconscious Azzi.

“Mhm,” Azzi mumbled. Through the screen, Paige could see the way the younger girl was nestled into the pile of blankets on her bed, clutching a unicorn stuffed animal. She smiled softly.

“Anyway, she tried to tell me I should cut my hair. And obviously, I said no, because how am I gonna do gameday braids with a fucking pixie cut, right? But she just wouldn’t let up so-” Paige cut herself off when she saw Azzi’s face relax. If she really thought about it, the reason she talked so much on these calls was because she knew Azzi fell asleep easier with background noise. And if she was extra motivated by the way the younger girl looked so peaceful in her sleep, well, that was her business and no one else’s.

Paige’s eyes traced every curve, line, and crease of Azzi’s face. Her skin glowed even in the dim room, the color darker than usual from the time she’d spent in the summer sun. Paige was confident that if she had any artistic ability whatsoever she’d be able to draw Azzi perfectly from memory. The way her eyelashes rested on her cheeks with her eyes closed, the light pink tint to her nose from a little too much time outside, the curve of her plump lips- Paige had it all memorized.

Paige hated ruining these soft moments where she just got to look at Azzi without the younger girl complaining about it, but as her eyes wandered around her face a thought popped into her head.

I’ve never looked at a guy like this. Paige paused, gaze stuck on Azzi’s perfectly curved eyebrows. What an odd thing to notice. A second thought. Paige wasn’t used to thinking during these Facetimes. She didn’t think she liked it, but the ideas seemed to have opened some kind of floodgates. More observations came pouring into her subconscious.

Her lips look so soft. I wonder what they feel like. Her eyes are such a pretty shade of brown, I wish I could see them right now. I’ve never felt like this about a friend.

Paige took a deep breath, startled by her train of thought. None of the thoughts surprised her. That was the whole problem. Azzi’s eyes were pretty, and her lips did look soft, and Paige did wonder what they felt like. She just hadn’t realized she thought any of those things.

Paige thought back to a few weeks ago when one of the girls on her team had been talking about her crush on some guy in the grade above them. The things her teammate had said about that guy had sounded a lot like everything Paige was thinking about Azzi.

Oh, Paige thought. I like Azzi.

It wasn’t anything revolutionary. Paige was pretty sure she had always liked Azzi. She just hadn’t known it. It wasn’t until nearly a year later when she and Azzi finally confessed their feelings to each other that Paige thought about what liking Azzi meant for herself.

“You never came out to me!” Azzi had exclaimed. Paige had frozen, staring at Azzi and really, truly not understanding.

“Come out to you?” she repeated. Azzi nodded, eyebrows drawing together.

“Yeah, like, are you bi? Lesbian? I came out to you months ago and I’ve been thinking you’re straight since we met, P,” she explained, looking at Paige like this was the most obvious thing in the world.

“Oh,” Paige said dumbly. Azzi just stared at her. “Uh, I guess I didn’t really think about it. Like, the whole not being straight thing. I just know I like you,” Paige shrugged. Azzi had blushed, the color intoxicating on her skin.

“You’re an idiot,” she said, pushing Paige’s shoulder gently. Paige just grinned.

“As long as I can be your idiot.”

________

Azzi learned she was gay at three in the morning on a Thursday when she was 16. It had, in a very cliche fashion, been a dream that sparked the realization.

She had woken up, breathing hard, the blankets feeling far too hot, with memories of soft lips on hers taking up far too much space in her mind. She threw the blankets off, sitting straight up in bed, and had a full-blown gay panic.

The longer she sat there, the more pieces of the dream came back to her. At first, it was just gentle lips on her own, and then soft blonde hair running through her fingers, and then it progressed to memories of warm pale skin under her hands. Azzi squeezed her eyes shut.

“Shut up, shut up, shut up,” she demanded to her brain. The clock was creeping closer to four in the morning, she had to be up for school in two hours, and she was being terrorized by completely non-platonic thoughts of her best friend. Azzi flopped face-down onto her bed and let out a scream into her pillow, realizing too late that the rest of her household was still sleeping and might have heard it.

Feeling frustratingly awake and completely insane, Azzi grabbed her phone off her nightstand and navigated into a new Google tab. “What does a dream about kissing someone mean?” she searched first. The results were straightforward, bluntly informing Azzi that dreams of kissing someone usually meant that you had romantic feelings for that person. That brought up new questions.

“How to know if I like girls?” was her next search. It was a ridiculous idea to Azzi. She had had crushes on boys before. Hell, she’d dated a boy in middle school, and as much as that wasn’t a real relationship, it definitely proved that she liked guys. So why the hell was she having a dream about kissing her best friend who was a girl? It didn’t make any sense.

“Why do I want to kiss a girl if I like guys?” Azzi tried, hoping that somebody on Reddit had the same problem as she did. Shockingly, there was a result. That’s how Azzi Fudd learned about bisexuality, and suddenly things made a lot more sense.

She tried to bring it up to Paige on their nightly Facetime that day, but Paige was being frustratingly dense.

“Hey, Paige? Have you ever thought about, like, dating somebody?” Azzi started. Paige startled, looking incredibly uncomfortable.

“Uh, yeah. But not like, for real. Don’t really wanna date people because like, ew, right? Anyway, I was thinking that next year-” Azzi, feeling disproportionately upset, ended the call. Mere seconds later, her phone was ringing with another Facetime from Paige. She let it ring for a while, wanting Paige to know that she hung up on purpose. Finally, she clicked to accept the call.

“What the hell, Az? I was telling you a story,” Paige complained. Azzi glared at her.

“And I was trying to tell you something, too.” Paige looked confused.

“But you asked me a question.”

“Yeah. Have you ever heard of a leading question, dumbass? I was using it as an intro to something,” Azzi grumbled. Paige had the decency to look at least a little bit sorry.

“That’s my bad, Az. It was just kind of a weird topic. Sorry, you can tell me whatever you were going to. I won’t even interrupt this time,” Paige apologized. Azzi swallowed, losing her nerve now that the moment had been drawn out so much.

“I just… uh. I wanted to tell you that I learned about something,” she said, mouth unbearably dry. Paige nodded, prompting her to go on. “You know that people can like guys and girls?” Azzi blurted out. Paige’s eyebrows shot up, surprise coloring her face, but she nodded slowly. Azzi could feel her hands shaking. She knew Paige was religious, but she was suddenly considering that this could end negatively. She didn’t give herself time to consider that outcome.

“I’m bisexual,” Azzi said quickly. She felt like her heart might beat right out of her chest. Paige looked at her for a moment, studying her through the phone. Azzi shifted uncomfortably. “Can you say something?” She asked, tone unsure. Paige cleared her throat, expression softening. Azzi felt her body relax immediately, just from noticing the change in Paige’s body language.

“You know I’m proud of you for telling me, right?” Paige asked. Azzi blinked. That was not the response she was expecting.

“You’re… proud of me?” she repeated. Paige nodded, the movement jerky through the screen. A smile spread across Azzi’s face.

“Thanks, Paige.” Paige just nodded again, a small smile on her face now.

So, from the time Azzi had the dream of kissing Paige (the first of many) to the time she came out to the blonde, her gay crisis lasted about 16 hours. When she thought about it later, years down the road, she thought it made complete sense. Azzi overthought every single thing in her life except Paige. Realizing she was bisexual was easy because it was Paige. The girl who talked her ear off on calls every night, who sent her iMessage games at ungodly hours, who always knew how to comfort her. Just Paige. Liking Paige made perfect sense.

[kowwpow]

~can’t sleep headcanons~

A/N: I’ve been sleeping crappy the past three nights and tn I extra doubly can’t sleep, so ofc I’m writing this at 4 am 🤩 (I apologize in advance for any mistakes made—)

Characters: Akutagawa, Fyodor, Dazai, Ranpo

TWs ⚠️ reader cries, bc I cried(Fyodor, Dazai), Nicknames (Myshka)(Fyodor) (Belladonna, Donna)(Dazai), GN!Reader

Man, being tired is rough—

Akutagawa Ryūnosuke

Akutagawa most likely wouldn’t notice right away

whether that be because he is asleep, out of the house, or just busy in general

but he would come home one day to you laying face down on your shared bed, spread out like a star fish

he’d raise an eyebrow at you before checking if you were awake

once he confirmed that you were, he would question why you were up so late

and in your tired state, you would unintentionally retort back with unusual hostility in your tone

“[Name], why is it that you are awake at two in the morning.”

“Why are you just coming home from work at two in the morning.”

His mouth would instantly shut, not used to your annoyance

you would almost immediately apologize with a distraught expression on your face and he would immediately understand

seeing the reason for your stress, he quickly dismissed your earlier words

he would be quick in showering himself before slipping into bed with you and wrapping his arms around you

he didn’t really like physically affection often, he had a tough guy facade to hold up. But he guessed he could make an exception for you

Fyodor Dostoevsky

This man doesn’t sleep much either, so he doesn’t bother scolding you for it

he is likely the only one to actually be helpful about it

he would be working away at his desk in your guys’ room, and he would hear the rustling of sheets behind him

he would turn in his chair to look back at you with a blank expression

Fyodor had heard your struggles to sleep during previous nights, but tonight, you finally seemed to have had enough

he got up when he heard you angrily adjust your pillow, and made his way to the bedside before crouching down beside you

he saw the angry expression you bore on your face and blew on your face to wake you up

your teary eyes opened to glare at him and he realized just how frustrated you were

he reached out to wipe those tears before they could fall as he spoke in a quiet voice

”Now, now, Myshka, what’s with the tears?”

“‘m s’tired… but I can’t sleep no matter how hard I try-!”

Fyodor would hum in understanding, you were just exhausted

he stood back up all the way and figured he had some time to spare

he pulled you up and made his way to the kitchen with you tiredly clinging to his arm

”Let’s have a glass of milk, that should help.”

Dazai Osamu

He’s probably dead asleep beside you, and therefore won’t be of much help

there is also a good chance that he is the reason for your lack of sleep

this man will be sprawled all over you. And I mean all over you

he would have one leg thrown over yours, he would have his arm(s) wrapped around you in some way

he just has to be touching you

he also moves around a lot

which you normally don’t mind, but adding that to already not being able to sleep, geez you were frustrated

dont get me wrong, he is perfectly capable of being still and to himself in his sleep

he just doesn’t want to-

he can’t help wanting to be in constant contact with his precious Belladonna all night

but when you nudge him awake with tears ready to fall from your eyes, he instantly throws his wants out the window

he’d frown and wipe your tears away before asking what was wrong

“Oh ‘Donna— why are you crying?”

“I can’t- sleep, and you’re movin’ around s’much and it’s not helping..”

You didn’t mean to make it sound like it was his fault (even though it kinda was-)

but I’m your exhausted state, you couldn’t control it

instantly filled him as he pressed a kiss to your forehead

“I’m sorry ‘Donna… I’ll be still, I promise”

Ranpo Edogawa

Just like Dazai, he is likely the reason you cannot sleep in the first place

I headcanon that he is also a super restless sleeper in the sense that he moves a whole bunch

and maybe even kicks

so imagine you’re tired, and almost falling off the bed because he is taking all the space

deciding that you had enough, you grabbed your pillow and a spare blanket and trudged over towards the couch before plopping your tired self right down on it

you closed your eyes with a huff when you tucked yourself in, and began to drift off when you felt a weight on you

you opened your eyes to see Ranpo looking down at you

there was concern in his eyes, despite the unserious-ness of his statement

”[Name]? Why’d you leave? The world’s best detective needs his cuddle buddy.”

You quickly explained the reason of his absence and he nodded

you waited for a few seconds for him to leave, but he just stayed on top of you and made himself comfortable

“I guess I’ll just sleep on top of you then!”

His weight was actually kinda nice, and he was making an effort to be as still as possible

you eventually were pulled to sleep with the sound of your lover’s soft breathing in your ears

A/N: these were fun to write 🥰

but they took an hour—

n e ways

it is now almost five in the morning so I might as well just be up for the rest of the day 😃

Reblogs with tags are appreciated!

[countrymusiclover]

9 - A Man Named Jefferson

Princess Red Thief

Part 10

Tag list - just ask to be added @mystrey101 @melvia-ito @kmc1989 @tallrock35

Blinking my eyes a couple of times I groaned trying to wake up. Slowly glancing around the room I saw I was in the back room of the pawnshop. Shifting my body up further on the old cot I heard the wooden floor creak under someone's feet. "Eve! You're awake."

"Henry. What are you doing here?" Rubbing my eyes to wake myself up more I saw the ten year old boy enter the room.

He answered me. "I heard you being locked up in the hospital until Mr. Gold bailed you out."

"Yeah. Where is Mr. Gold exactly?" I questioned the kid.

Henry came over to my bedside reaching inside his backpack. "He's out with Regina for some reason. So we don't have much time to talk with somebody you need to meet."

"Henrh, I just woke up. I am not really in the mood to meet someone right now." I sat upright holding a hand to my forehead struggling to push away some pain that must have been caused from all the drugs they pushed into my system.

He held open his storybook to a certain page. "But what if I told you there's someone else in this town that has been seeing things just like you."

"And that person in your book would be?" I trailed off scanning my eyes over the book pages seeing a man surrounded with over a dozen hats.

Henry taped a finger on the image. "The Mad Hatter. He goes by Jefferson here."

"Henry...I. You need to leave before he gets back. He doesn't care for unwanted visitors inside his shop." I warned the ten year old.

He didn't back down, shoving his book back inside the bag. He holds out his hands waiting for me to put my hand in his and follow him willingly like I normally did before I was locked away. "Please Eve. You'll start to believe me once you talk with him. I swear."

"Fine, kid. But this doesn't mean I believe you." I put my hands in his getting to my feet and together we slipped outside of the pawnshop in search of where this Jefferson man lived. "Henry, why do you think I will believe before Emma?"

He kept walking, sending me a half smile. "Because you follow your heart more than what your mind tells you." I parted my lips considering what he was saying to me in the moment.

The double doors shut behind me with two guards shutting them. I had decided to keep living in my parents castle which wasn't too far from the Charming castle. My short brown boots clicked against the stone floor until I stood at the edge of the round table to meet Snow. "Everly. I was hoping I'd see you."

"My parents aren't worried about me. Honestly they trust me when it comes to helping y'all with your kingdom. You're glowing by the way." I sent her a smile pulling out one of the chairs near hers.

She was sitting down in one of the head chairs, leaning her elbows on the table. "Thank you, Eve. Your letter said that you wanted to talk with me about something."

"Indeed I do wish to. I've been having certain feelings lately and since we are friends I was hoping we could talk about them." I twiddled my thumbs together on the table.

Snow asked sweetly. "Of course. Is this about a guy?"

"Is it that obvious?"

She nods, chuckling. "I'm sorry to say yes. Besides it's not like I don't remember you saying you always had teaching lessons to return to."

"Oh geeesss." Covering my face with my hands I was blushing like a red tomato.

Snow clasped her hands together. "So who is the stranger you are getting lessons from?"

"It's magic lessons. The man I'm getting taught by is named Rumplestilskin." Heavy silence fell across the large room with an intense feeling falling between the two of us. Everyone in the land generally knew his name and what kind of magic he dabbled in.

"Everly, he...he uses dark magic."

"I know that." I said back. "But I am needing his help to teach me how to control the power that I was born with. Neither of my parents have magic, yet I somehow got it."

"You have feelings for him, don't you. Why else would you be defending the teachings he is showing you." Snow put the pieces together with a smirk on her lips.

"Maybe I do. What do I do about it?" I asked the other princess in the room.

The former bandit princess got up from her chair and I rose to my feet standing up in front of her. "In my experience you just have to follow whatever your heart tells you."

"Even when the person you care about might not feel the same." I knitted my brows at her, wrapping my father’s red cloak tightly around my body.

Snow takes my hands in hers showing me the wedding ring from her Prince Charming. "That's a risk that we each have to take when we love someone. Never stop following your heart, Everly."

"Henry, are you sure we're not breaking and entering? It doesn't even look like he's here. Emma is the sheriff now and I wish to not be placed inside a prison cell anytime soon." Looking around at the area outside the mansion front door. He had pulled out some set of keys he had taken from his mother's office that could open any door.

He pushed one of the keys in the hole and it unlocked with the door swinging open. "We'll be fine. He believes everything about my book. Now come on. Jefferson!" Henrik walks into the house and I follow after him seeing that it was almost pitch black inside giving the creepy loner type guy vibes to me.

"Henry. Henry, wait we can't just - mmm!" I grunted my fighting instincts kicking in when one hand wrapped around my waist and the other hand clasped over my mouth before the front door slammed shut behind me.

A man's voice growled in my ear. "Did anyone follow you?"

"No." I mumbled the best reply I could trying to remove the stranger's hand.

The man removed his hands from my body, spinning me around to face him. "So you're the famous Red Thief who falls in love with the Dark One."

"You've read the story too." I made a confused expression.

The guy named Jefferson responded. "It's more than just a story and his storybook is more than just a book."

"It can't be more than a book. None of those stores are real. I know they are simply just stories." I shake my head thinking back on why I got put in the mental hospital in the first place.

Henry spoke up behind me heading down the hallway. "She's a little slow, Jefferson. That's why I brought her to you. So she'll wake up like you have." Jefferson grabs a hold of my arm dragging me after the young boy until we entered a room filled with hats that all matched the familiar hat the Mad Hatter would have worn.

"You've obviously got an obsession with Alice in Wonderland."

"He's the Mad Hatter, Eve." Henry declares sitting the book on the table, opening it to the page he had shown me back in the shop.

Jefferson pushed me down in the chair with the book laying in front of my face. He flipped through some pages stopping at one photo that showed Rumplestilskin holding up a ring. The woman who wore a red cloak that looked like the one I owned stood in front of him. "Look at the picture and tell me if you recognize anything."

"Jefferson, Henry has already tried this with me once before. It didn't work then, it won't work now." Shifting around in the chair I eyed the man.

Jefferson rounded the table to be on the other side grabbing my chin in between his thumb and index finger so I'd look him in the eye. "Use your power and look into my mind. Then you'll see what I'm saying is the only truth you need to believe."

"Look into your mind. That's not possible."

Jefferson declared not backing down. "You have to open your mind, Red Thief."

"You're losing your mind, Jefferson." Pushing myself away from him he let go of my chin. Stomping towards the doorway about to leave I halted in my tracks grabbing a hold of the doorway when he spoke up about my past.

"You couldn't pay your rent when you first came here. So you made a deal with Mr. Gold. Take my ring and I'll work for you, you said."

Glancing out the corner of my eye I asked. "How do you know about that? He swore he'd never say anything."

"Because it's almost the exact same deal you made with Rumplestilskin after he agreed to teach you magic. You are Princess Everly, daughter of Abigail and Fredrick." Henry stands by the edge of the table.

Shutting my eyes I pushed back the desire to believe them. I couldn't be a princess. I couldn't have magic and the town couldn't all be cursed. Otherwise I belonged back in the mental hospital. "Henry, I'm sorry but all your saying is nonsense."

"It won't all be nonsense once you look for the necklace inside his suit jacket and...." Jefferson trailed off in thought.

Turning around in my boots I dared to ask the question. "And what Jefferson?"

"And you'll believe us when you find the ring in his possession." The man who truly thought he was the Mad Hatter answered my question, sitting one of his hats on top of his head smiling wickedly at me. Henry remained silent and simply nodded in agreement. "As close to his heart as it could possibly be."

Comments really appreciated ❤️

[amewinterswriting]

Ame Plays: Little Dragon Cafe

Very cute, but annoyingly short of the mark.

I want to love this game. You play a child struggling to run a cafe with their sibling and raise a dragon, with extra flavour thrown in by the wide cast of guest characters, all with their own problems that can be solved through the magic of a good meal.

There are some great elements: the aesthetic is cute and cozy, the dragon is adorable and does a lot to help and support you, the island is really well designed to give you a lot to explore in a relatively small space and the soundtrack is way better than it really needs to be.

The problems start when you realise that the game isn't quite sure what it wants to be. You are encouraged to be physically present at the café to help during rushes (and stop the staff from slacking) and failure to step in will lose you customers because after long enough waiting they will leave in a frustrated huff.

If you spend too much time not gathering ingredients, however, you will inevitably run out of ingredients for your dishes. In fact, towards the late game, even if you spend all your time foraging, you will likely run out of ingredients and have to swap dishes around in your menu - it's just mathematics. If you get 25 customers in a day, and each one orders a dish with three ingredients, that's 75 ingredients used. (You can choose to use up to six ingredients in a recipe, which would obviously deplete your ingredients faster) Which means you need to gather at least that many ingredients per day. The ingredients are somewhat randomly generated at gathering points, so even if you keep the numbers up, you might not get the specific ingredients that you need for the dishes you currently have on your menu. My best attempts at efficiently foraging result in under 120 ingredients in a day and that involves completely ignoring the cafe and any reasonable bedtime for a small child, gathering from dawn till midnight - or beyond. In fact, you don't have to sleep at all unless plot demands it - there's no passing out and being carried back home, there's absolutely no penalty for simply staying awake and gathering ingredients. Which I like as a game mechanic, but given you are controlling a small child, feels very odd and at odds with the cozy aesthetic. Just don't sleep and work yourself into the ground for the sake of your cafe feels like the wrong message to send, somehow...

The actual act of helping out in the cafe feels very cramped and clumsy, which doesn't help matters. You have to run around taking orders, submitting the orders in the kitchen, delivering the food and cleaning up the dishes afterwards, plus interrupting anyone who decides to slack off - and they will, frequently. Everyone gets in the way of everyone else, the little galley to clean up dishes is a particularly bad spot for getting pushed around by NPCs as everyone tries to get in and out of the small space.

Still, you can ignore the actual act of running the cafe with little penalty. Your approval never actually drops as far as I can tell, not even if you decide to skip the day to trigger the next bit of plot and go straight to sleep at 7am and have no customers for the day (because for some reason, the cafe is only operational while you're awake, despite your sibling being somewhat capable of running the place when you aren't there). This at least means you aren't losing ingredients that day, but it does present the best way of completing the game as...not actually engaging with the game and skipping as many days as possible as being the most rewarding way to play.

The perplexing part of the cafe is that the 'customers' don't actually pay for their meals. There is no currency in the game nor a shop to spend it in, so that makes some sense. One of the staff characters starts working for you to pay off his bill - he was just going to dine and dash - but apart from that one scripted mention of money, there's no actual exchange of money you see as the player. Which makes the bad reviews and frustrated customers really funny - like guys, you are literally getting a sit down dinner for free, maybe be nice to the kids?

The other half of the game is exploring the island with your little dragon companion, which does at least feel more relaxing and fun. There is a bit of an issue with the jump mechanic - occasionally the button will be unresponsive and occasionally you'll catch on ledges and not be able to get the full jumping height, which is mostly only an issue because there are so many little steps and ledges to jump up that you will run into both multiple times a day. Once your dragon grows a little, you can ride him to traverse and he can thankfully jump much better than the human kids. The dragon will also help gather some ingredients, and randomly emote around you and he's genuinely a delight to be around.

There are also monsters and egg-birds. The monsters will 'attack' you but given this is a cozy game, they'll only steal meals from your pockets - there's no health to lose. They can be hunted for their meat, which is a gamble (the dragon sometimes gets distracted and doesn't hunt the monster the first time you ask) or you can lure them into running headlong into a rock which also results in meat. The egg-birds must be collected and then they will live near the cafe and produce an egg a day you can pick up...for a few days. Then they'll return to where you got them from. Which feels like annoying busywork for no reason - you already know where the bird is, you just have to go back there every so often to get them back.

You do have a small garden that will produce ingredients as time passes, or instantly if dragon manure is used, but you cannot choose what it produces or how much, it will just randomly generate anything you have already gathered from elsewhere. Including meat, oddly enough. There is a fish hatchery that does the same. This is the best way of getting a lot of ingredients all at once, but in order to get dragon manure, you have to feed your dragon, and the larger it gets, the more food it needs to produce manure. And you need to cook every dish manually using a small rhythm mini game - no batch cooking. It kinda feels like the game just wants me to spend an hour cooking lots of dishes, then force-feeding my dragon to get the manure to spend on speeding up the garden to get the ingredients (which I am also spending on the food for the dragon, so the game is incentivising me to use as few materials as possible to maximise returns). That feels like no fun so I'm not going to batch cook 30 single scotch eggs (using just egg, no meat or breading here) and force-feed him eggs until he poops...at least not for very long.

There are also some short stories revolving around some guest NPC characters who usually show up with an emotional problem, stay in the cafe for a few days, open up about their issues, need a particular dish cooking for them to resolve their emotional conflict and then leave, leaving a space ready for the next character to come and stay. These are actually pretty well written compared to other cozy life-sims like Harvest Moon and the characters are really charming and relatable.

To be honest, it wouldn't take a lot for me to love this game. Like, let customers pay for their meals and then give us a shop to buy upgrades for the cafe or the staff (so that you wouldn't need to personally intervene when they start slacking, for example, or that they would slack off less often) or let us buy 'basic' ingredients like flour and rice, but still have us forage for more exotic food and the upgraded ingredients. That would help take the big pressure out of trying to forage more ingredients than you use daily. Otherwise, tweak forage spots so they give multiple ingredients per interaction, which would save time, or give us more options in the garden. Say, use materials to upgrade the amount the garden yields, or let us choose what types of ingredients we would like the garden to produce. Basically a little more customising in general and a little automation would turn the grindy chore bits of the game into something a little more interesting.

Because there isn't really a penalty for failure, there also isn't a reward for doing well. The game will mostly chug along at its own pace regardless of how well or badly the cafe does, only requiring an increase in customer satisfaction between NPC story episodes and that can usually be achieved in a single day. This is probably by design - to avoid frustrating younger players - but it does make mid to late game feel like a grindy chore that you don't actually need to deal with. You can progress quickly by skipping most days, only sticking around to trigger the scenes and then going straight to sleep. But at that point, why bother to still play the game?

[evilsorcerorofproendos]

I kind of find how we work as a monocon system to be interesting, because we're all using the same space to think so we tend to kind of subconciously fight over it??? and we have different layers of being conscious we don't really have labels for so I'm going to make them up now (all related to sleeping because we say "wake up" a lot to refer to someone becoming conscious again)

waking up - we oftentimes say "still waking up" to refer to members who are incoherent because they haven't fronted in awhile or are just struggling to enter cocon for whatever reason they're usually inconsistent, slightly groggy, and easily influenced by whoever the strongest fronter is, and can be easily accidentally pushed out of cocon, they kind of have to be propped up mentally so they can wake up fully. I've also noticed waking up alters will have more brain blanks on how to respond to things or what to say so another alter may be tempted to respond and accidentally steamroll over them mentally

out cold - hasn't fronted in awhile, probably could again with some prompting, we don't really know if members go dormant at all since it's so easy to get anyone to front. They feel kind of out of reach and like a memory, if they wake up again they're going to be at least a little different. If anyones out cold they kind of need a waking up period to relearn or re-remember their personality and fall back into it.

Asleep - completely out of con but could still enter cocon at any moment, they'd maybe have like a waking up period but it'd be shorter than if they were out cold.

Tossing and turning - NEAR cocon but not there, still technically asleep like front triggers could grab them and thinking of them too much can get a "I heard you were talking shit so I decided to wake up" response but they're not IN cocon.

Sleepwalking - usually what we refer to as "in cocon but not taking up too much thinking space" where they kind of act as a hallow recreation of themselves or say kneejerk things they may not entirely agree with, like if someone was to shake someone awake and ask for their opinion they'd probably be at least in sleepwalking mode, like there isn't a whole train of thought to their response it's just response and then maybe SOME thoughts.

half-awake - taking up thinking space not a strong fronter, kind of groggy, they may be a bit chaotic and have a lot of "wait I didn't say that, who typed that mentally for me." moments

and then we have the "fully awake and having a good time" usually no issues here

here lately a lot of us have been fronting like, half awake, being propped up mentally by the host, which is kind of tiring but you know, you do what you can.

and a lot of us have been going "I don't know where in front I am" because our thoughts will be like mentally wayyyy over there out of front and in cocon but we're also here. In Front.

it's weird idk. Mostly rambling.

[peachyloveswriting]

could i request a stan marsh x reader who is always hyper, i have adhd so i’d love to see the dynamic

FORGOT YOUR MEDS? --- Stan Marsh

SUMMARY: Spending the weekend with Stan, your medication was accidentally left at home leaving you to bounce all over the place and Stan to deal with it.

NOTES: I, myself, have ADHD. I take medication for it and I have for my whole life so without it I can be rather crazy. I know that not everyone is the same however this will be written based on my experience.

⸝⸝⸝⸝⸝

A fan blows cool air onto my back and the white noise fills the room. I hadn't noticed the noise before having just finished chasing the butt end of a dream. I could still see it in my head, the realization of being awake is dreadful. So much so, that I'm having a hard time getting myself back into the dream. Disappointed, I turn onto my back and stretch an arm out over the edge of the bed with a groan. Letting my arm fall limp over the edge I release a breath and open my eyes.

The smallest amount of light peeks through the top of the curtains and it's blue. I know it's probably sometime in the late AM. With my highschool schedule and everything going on my body has set a routine clock internally. If it's not my alarm at five AM, it's walking up naturally at Eight.

In the corner of my eye is Stan. He lays beside me, black hair messy on top of his head. His lips are squished together by his cheeks pressed against the pillow and there's a small gap between them. Soft snores fall from him, urging me to fully turn towards him. Unannounced, I showed up on Stan's doorstep last night. I had already packed my bag for the weekend and walked all the way over here. I wasn't about to get denied. Thankfully, his parents like me. Randy's always telling me how good I am for him, I can see what he means. Stan's alcoholism has gotten so much better since I came into the picture. I'm glad he at least cut back for me.

Underneath my head comes a buzz, I had placed my phone underneath the pillow while we watched TikTok on his phone last night. Regretfully the buzz annoys me, sliding my hand under the pillow I tug the phone out to check the time. I was right, it's eight. I have a few missed calls and texts from someone, I'm not sure who. Unlocking it, I check it to see a missed call from Kyle. I'm not surprised, he's always calling me when Stan doesn't pick up the phone. The others are from my mom, I don't really feel like answering her right now. Ignoring the various texts, I move on to watching TikTok on my own phone. I'm not sure how long I watched them for but soon enough Stan's hands slid around me and pulled me closer.

"Morning." Cracking a smile I turn the phone off and toss it to the other side of the bed behind Stan. He grumbles at me and opens an eye. He doesn't say anything before he closes his eyes again and hides away in my chest. I smile down at him. Laying the way I am is almost unbearable with the way my legs keep having this inherent need to move. I struggle to keep still, needing a good stretch again. And for whatever reason I can't stop yawning.

"I want to go back to sleep." Stan finally says.

"Mood." Is all I can manage to say. Suddenly an unspecific spot on the bed is more interesting than looking at him. I can't take my eyes off of it even if I want my head to move. I can hear Stan talking to me but the words are washing right over me. Then suddenly there's clarity in his speech.

"You're zoned out aren't you?" He deadpans.

"Sorry." I look back at him. "Yeah."

He chuckles at me and sits up, running his hand through his hair. "It's fine."

I sit up beside him and slide a leg over the side of the bed. It bounces where it rests on the floor. "Did I wake you up?" I know I tend to listen to videos rather loudly but I can't help it. For some reason my volume is really quiet at times. He shakes his head and looks back at me.

"No."

We make eye contact and suddenly I can't help but look everywhere but him. My leg can't stop bouncing and this unstoppable urge to peel the skin off my lips with my teeth is insatiable. This wide, painful, face-spliting grin tugs at the corners of my lips. It hurts to smile for so long - and for why, I don't know - Almost like it's not me. But as fast as the moment came it passes. Stan's hand rests on my thigh and gives it a light squeeze.

I look up at him finally, feeling like my eyes are open the widest they've ever been. No matter how hard I try to make them feel normal it won't settle.

"Have you had your meds yet?" He asks. I scrunch up my face. "Why does that matter? I'm not any different."

Oh, so it's one of those days. The ones where not a single thought crosses my mind and the most pure unbiased thoughts spill from my lips. It's a shame, really. Knowing that Stan's going to have to put up with my bullshit today makes guilt fill my heart. I hate when he sees me like this. Though, no matter how harsh I treat him that soft look never fades. I still don't understand how he doesn't hate me yet for how rude and brash I can get.

"I know how you are, just go take them." He lifts his hand and places it on my back to urge me to take it. A devilish grin splits my face again. "And if I don't want to?" I query.

Stan let's out a sigh. "Then you're not going to like yourself later." His eyes are pleading me to just go on and do it but in the back of my mind, I know I might have screwed up. I should have checked the texts from my mom sooner, I left my medicine at home. At the realization my wild grin fades and instead one of extraordinary focus takes its place. Brows furrowed I reach over Stan and grasp my phone.

"I forgot them."

Stan frowns. "I'm sorry, maybe I have something that can take its place." His dad wouldn't have anything laying around the house like that so I shook my head.

"Just call Kenny. I'll pay him back Monday or something. Just get me a Xanax."

Stan just stares at me when I look at the message my mom had sent me. It really had been about my medicine. He shakes his head. "There's no point, you'll be crosseyed as a mother fucker you take one of those." He points out.

A short hysterical giggle leaves my lips. "It's fine, it's the same as Adderall right? I can handle it. I mean I take clean meth for crying out loud."

He sighs again. "Okay, I think we're gonna need that Xanax. Nothing against you, but I'm not adept enough to handle you in this state unlike your parents."

I knew he wouldn't be able to, nobody is. It doesn't seem to matter what I do but no one likes me when I'm like this. "Not surprised. You'll live."

⸝⸝⸝⸝⸝

"Yeah, we'll head over now." There's a pause. My knee is bouncing fervently and I pick at my fingers. "Okay, see you soon. Bye." Stan takes the phone away from his ear to end the call. With a sigh he slips the phone into his pocket and looks up at me. "C'mon, let's go." He moved over to the dresser where his keys lay.

I bounced up out of my seat, my hands swinging wildly at my sides. I'm half heatedly looking for my shoes though I can't seem to spot them nearby. "Stan. Where the fuck are my shoes?" I yell agitatedly.

He tosses them in front of me. Dumbfounded I stare at them with a slight laugh and collapse onto my ass. He stares at me in disbelief while I put them on. I'm doing it so lazily, my arms not even wanting to pick themselves up to move. I keep stopping, my hands refusing to help me. Stan keeps calling out to make me do it but I can't stop laughing. Moving to the floor in front of me, he reaches out to try and put the shoes on for me but I shove him away. A huf escapes his lips and I laugh harder. He's reaching back out to help me again but I swat his hands away.

"Will you just stop." He hisses at me. I fall into my back still laughing hysterically for no apparent reason. I'm trying to speak but my laughter silences me. My actions don't stop there though.

In the car, I'm watching the scenery pass me by while we ride. It's quiet, save for the music on the radio. I haven't said a single word since we left the house and the guilt is so much heavier now. I look over at Stan, his nonchalant face makes my stomach grow uneasy. I must have annoyed him back at the house.

"Sorry for what I did back at the house." I sound like a mouse. Small and insignificant. He glances at me for a moment.

"You can't help it." He simply mutters.

"But I can." I shoot back. "I can help it I just choose not to."

He shakes his head and clicks his tongue at me. "That's just what everyone else tells you."

If there's anything more true in the world it's what he said. Everyone tells me that it's my choice to act like this, I believe that to be true. Even more true than what Stan says.

"Yeah but I'm just a dick like this." I hope he doesn't have an actual reason to shoot back at me. It seems I swallow my pride though.

"You haven't been a dick to me." He takes a hand off the steering wheel to rest his elbow on the center console. "We're going to get you something to take for this anyway. Don't fret."

I lift a finger to my lips and softly bite the skin around the nail before pulling it away again. "I haven't been a dick to you yet. Just wait until it happens soon enough."

"Look, I understand that you dislike yourself in this state and all but you need to stop being so doubtful and negative." He casts a glance in the rearview. "I can't say much for myself but I can understand where you're coming from. Just try not to think about it too much. This really doesn't bother me."

"Really? How?" I ponder aloud. "I never shut up, I'm rambunctious, annoying-"

"Truth be told I see you like this often." Stan suddenly admits. I'm almost shocked by what he said. Since when has he ever seen me like this before?

"Your medication wears off late at night, more often than not you're with me. So I see you like this all the time. It's normal." He brushes it off like it's nothing, just showing that I truly don't bother him like I think I do.

"Oh." Is all I can manage. A moment of silence beats by before he rests his hand on mine.

"Don't worry. You're not a bother. I quite like seeing you smiling and laughing all the time even when it's borderline mania. How could I not love all of you." He smiles even though it's not directly at me. "In order for this relationship to flourish I have to love you equally and that's even without your medication. I still love you all the same."

His words bring a small smile to my face. The bouncing energy has left me for the moment, I can keep my eyes on his for more than just a brief second. This relief floods my chest and a weight feels lifted from my shoulders. I can relax like this knowing that he's okay with it.

"There you go." He urges. "You can relax now."

[pbandjesse]

I think I may be exhausted. Like on a larger layer then just being tired. I just don't feel good. It didn't help that I had a horrible time sleeping. I was overheated and I couldn't get comfortable so I was awake a lot. I also had stressful dreams about having a baby and also a turtle and for some reason I was struggling having to take care of both?? No idea why this particular thing was the focus but it was stressful.

I slept until 730. There wasn't any rush. The feildtrip didn't start until 10 and Elizabeth asked staff to be there at 9. So while I still got there early I wasn't to worried about anything.

James made me a sandwich and packed my leftover pancakes. And sent me off. They had a late start because of evening hours at the museum so they would be home this morning. But I would head to camp.

It was real cold this morning but it would get up to 85 by the afternoon. I was bundled up this morning and was mostly comfortable. I would go to the office first. Ate my sandwich. Made some copies of the schedule. And soon Jamie was coming in. It was her first time leading this program so I wanted to be there if she had questions but she would kill it because she's great. Dachelle and Sarah would come soon and they of course were also fine. Elizabeth would go set up the fire. And I would go around and drop a few things off and make sure my program space was set up too.

I had some frustration with my old laptop. I only keep it because not has an HDMI port, but it sucks and it basically useless. I was really struggling to get it to work but in the end it would be totally fine. But it got me all worked up. I would sit outside on the porch to wait for the bus.

I was really sniffly. My sinuses have been a mess lately. I am really glad that I'm not currently getting any nose bleeds but that is apparently a pregnancy side effect so that's fun.

The school's buses got stuck behind a BGE truck so they were a few minutes late. But that was fine. I have extra time built into the schedule. My intro can be a whole half hour or it can be ten minutes. Whatever the situation calls for. And I really felt in control of the program and that was really great. Very good for my ego.

The kids were very sweet. 70 4th graders. And the teachers were also just excellent. Of the five groups there was one that was a little to big and a little to rough. They would end up breaking some of my wooden bowls (mom if you are reading this we need more wooden bowls) using them to grind corn but just being a little to intense. The lead teacher was mortified and wanted to pay for them and ended up reading the whole field trip group the riot act after lunch. But for the majority of the day the groups were great.

I had a different set up for my pigments and hand talk segments and I really felt like the kids were getting it. I would have a few of them come up to act out the hand talk while the others guessed. And I tried to chose the sentences that had similar words (I, go, make, ECT) so that we were learning as we went. It was fun.

And the pigments went well. The only one that was a problem was the white, which becomes a non Newtonian fluid so then they can't paint with it. I would just put it to the side by the afternoon. Whatever. They rest of the colors worked fine.

And I think they had fun. I had artifacts (like hides and bones and stone bowls) for them to explore once they were done before it was time to go. They were being a little rough on my bones but they were mostly chill and I was just glad that they were enjoying their field trip.

Lunch was a nice break. I chatted with Alexi about tomorrow, which is the BGE volunteer day, but would pretty quickly have to go get the second half of the day going.

And it was a nice hour. The kids were nice. I had some good laughs. And chatted with the teachers about coming to do team building stuff. I was getting a bit tired but only a little. Mostly I was just happy. The kids kept telling me they liked my hair. It was a good day.

Once we were done I would clean up and reset for next week. And went to drop off a few things at the office before going to the lodge to clean up.

I would put all my table stuff away. My computer and artifacts and extra papers. I was also trying to apply to a holiday night market. I accidently used all my data for the month so they nerfed me. I was trying to stay connected to the WiFi in the lodge and was able to apply. They said they were going to specifically give preference to people who live in the highland town arts district. And guess who lives exactly one block outside of that!!! Ugh. I just said yes to the "do you live in this area" question and explained in the address section that I think it should count. It's a free market though so if I don't get in it's all good. I'll just be a patron.

Jamie would come over to help clean the tables. We also put up all the chairs so we could sweet. And Sarah would come help finish the sweeping and take out the trash. We had a good system going. I also told them pregnancy stuff and about this blog. They thought it was wild that I've been writing it for so long and so consistently. But I feel lucky that I can look back on basically every important event from the last decade! And that's just really cool.

We would all head out after finishing setting up. I would strip out of my tights because it had warmed up a lot. And went to Chipotle for a late lunch/early dinner. Which was very good. I would go moved to Marshalls after to look for an eye cream and I would also get some hard candy and an ice roller. I was starting to not feel great though so it was time to go home.

I was behind a cyber truck for a while! Terrible, stupid vehicle. Looking like a potato someone peeled with a knife looking vehicle. It was also really dusty.

When I got home I brought everything inside and got changed. I was just feeling bad. I let James know I was not going to come to the museum for the social club. I just couldn't do it. I held Crabcake for a little. Hugged Sweetp. I drank some juice. I cut my finger nails which has grown stupid long and keep getting bend backwards. I hung out on the couch and tried to just be calm.

Eventually I would get a little energy to put the dishes away. Fed Sweetp. And went upstairs to lay down.

I would eventually take a shower. Which helped a little. And now I am just laying here waiting for James to come home.

Tomorrow we have our volunteer day and then I have a shift in the print shop for an event. I am planning on taking a little nap between. And I just hope it will be a good day.

I hope you all are having a good day. I love you all very much. Sleep well. Good night!!

[asimperingswannsong]

Larissa’s Reluctant Romance

part 1 of however many my ADHD allows

Characters: Larissa Weems/Wednesday Addams

Summary: It’s just an angsty shitpost of a fic while I wait for season 2 to confirm that they have in fact ruined everything. Wednesday is smitten and a little annoyed about it. She’s trying very hard to provide a little romance for a Larissa who’s clearly in need of some. If Wednesday reads as a little neurospicy that’s probably just author projection. Her being smitten by Larissa is definitely author projection.

Warning: There’s no underage or dubious consent but that doesn’t make Larissa’s actions entirely innocent (especially in later chapters *assuming I follow through with those*)

—————————————————————————

“I’m in love with you.” Larissa startled from where she was sitting at her vanity removing her make up. She turned to see Wednesday standing in her bedroom. “Wednesday, what on Earth?” “I’m in love with you,” she reiterated. Larissa gaped at her; still not fully processing what was happening. Wednesday allowed the silence to lengthen, seemingly perfectly at home within it. Finally, Larissa’s mind provided her with, “There were at least two locked doors between where you were and where you are now.” “And they are locked once again.” A further pause to gather her thoughts… “Wednesday, do you think it’s appropriate to come into my quarters at 11 pm without so much as knocking?” “No.” “Okay…then why did you do that?” “I’ve been lying awake, analyzing the problem that’s causing my nightmares, and the feeling of uncertainty I’ve had when in your presence of late, and I’ve discovered that the reason I continue to dwell on the sight of you lying injured on the floor is because I’m distressed by it. That was uncharacteristic of me, and I’ve only just realized that it’s because I love you. I was not especially pleased to discover that information. I’ve sworn repeatedly not to follow in my parents’ footsteps and allow that sort of emotion to inform my behavior, but I appear to be unable to resolve the issue. Now that I’m fully aware of it, I felt compelled to inform you.” More silence. Larissa was struggling. Wednesday had just confessed her love for her and she had done so in the most typically deadpan manner Larissa had come to expect of her. But she was more than a little shocked by the revelation. Most of the time, she couldn’t be certain that Wednesday was even tolerating her in a platonic way, so to hear that she was in love with her was really throwing her for a loop. “…Wednesday, I’m the same age as your mother; as both of your parents.” “Yes, but importantly, you are not my parent.” “But I am your principal, and you are a student in my care.” “Yes.” “So…do you expect me to act in some way on the information you’ve provided?” “No.” “I see.” “So, may I ask why you’ve broken into my quarters at 11 pm?” “I drew a conclusion that had eluded me for a few weeks and felt the need to include you. I also wanted to give you this.” Wednesday removed a Tiffany’s jewelry case from behind her back, and opened it to reveal a large tear shaped ruby set in diamonds that formed a star like pattern around it. It appeared to be on a platinum necklace. “Wednesday, what is that?” “Your necklace.” “Where did you get that?” “It belonged to my grandmother. It, now, belongs to you.” “Wednesday, I cannot take that.” “It belongs to you. I will not take it back.” “Wednesday, someday you will have someone who is able to reciprocate your feelings. They will cherish that necklace, but I cannot accept it.” “There will not be another. I hadn’t intended for there to be a first, but regardless, I love you, and that means this necklace belongs to you.” She closed the box, placed it on the dresser next to her, and turned to leave.” “Wednesday, when did you begin having nightmares?” “A day or so after Laurel attempted to murder you.” “That was weeks ago. Wednesday, I think you may be experiencing PTSD. I think you should speak to someone about ways to try and process your trauma.” “I’m concerned that you may not be thinking clearly, and I can’t help but feel guilty. I’m sorry you witnessed the attack. I’m sorry she hurt you, and I’m sorry I was the one who brought her here so she could do those things.” “It wasn’t your fault. She did an excellent job of deceiving everyone.” “I will leave you to you ablutions. Goodnight, Principal Weems.” With that, she turned and left. Larissa continued to stare at the spot for several moments afterward. The exchange was so strange, even by Addams Family standards, that she began to question whether it had actually happened. The jewelry case on the dresser confirmed for her that it had in fact occurred. Larissa didn’t know what to think.

[je-suis-problematique]

It's been a while since any of us wrote an update on here so.... Yeah, we're still alive, just extremely drained. We mostly finalized the moving process, picked up all of our things from our ex's place and settled in our new apartment kind of successfully. It still feels really lonely and empty and our new debit card doesn't work internationally for some reason so we can't even resubscribe to Netflix or Disney+ to have shit to watch during downtime so we're bored and understimulated most of the time. We're getting our new TV on Sunday so at least that's moving along but we'll have to wait before we can play with our friend again because we'll need to get a card that DOES work for international transactions. We also ended up misplacing and then completely losing our ID during the moving process somehow so we had to go ask for a new one and it won't be here until MAYBE the end of the month so we can't go to the post office and ask for a prepaid Visa or anything like that because they need your ID to give you a card which is utter bullshit if you ask me.

No energy whatsoever for anything, all of our spoons keep going on Important Tasks like various medical appointments that we have and meetings and chores and such. We WANT to write and draw but we just don't feel like it, all we really want to do is sleep until we feel better. Been struggling with bad urges to SH or buy alcohol/drugs again and nobody really gets it, we just keep being told not to do it because it's "not worth it" or whatever and we logically understand that substance abuse and SH are BAD but nothing else brings us any form of relief, so here we fucking are.

We started taking our sleeping pills pretty early at around 8 PM because being awake is a chore in and of itself now. We used to take our meds at as late as 1 AM most nights but we don't see a reason to stay awake that late these days when we have virtually nothing fun we can do to unwind. We're hoping that once we get a card that works internationally we can pay for all of the services that kept us occupied before we moved out but it will probably take some time to happen and until then we'll just suffer I guess. We imagined we'd feel better after moving out but we just don't, we feel just as bored and empty and tired and frustrated as before, the only difference being is that now we're sober and also live away from our ex.

I know that we shouldn't relapse but drugs seem very appealing right now if I'm being completely honest.

– Corvo

[pielplastica]

I've been putting my heart and soul into school now that I'm going. I am 3 weeks behind and I know that I have to readjust to every teacher to their way of... well, teaching. But mostly I've been doing ok.

I have (had, is less now) a lot of late homework that I must do. A lot of drawings and concepts to study before my exams. Tomorrow I'll have the first one, Anatomy, and I feel nerveous but is because tomorrow I'll also have my first etymology class and I had to do 2 chapters on the manual without any previous knowledge and I feel a bit exhausted. I also help her with her homework too. I couldn't see her last weekend because I was so busy with homework, late works, drawings, manuals... But I know I can do it. I must do it.

I trust in myself, and I know that I am capable of doing this and even more. She came last sunday to give me an hamburguer and my in-laws came too, they were just passing by so it was quick but that 2 minutes that I got to see her were enough for me to regain my focus and being able to finish all my due homework in time. Now I just finished the homework that was left for next week because I really want to spend time with her.

Mom's been incapacitated due to some health issues. She's mostly ok, but needs to rest a lot so that she doesn't hurts her hands even more. She's been more at home so I can spend time with her a little more. But now is difficult for me due to school but last week we saw the new live action for ATLA and... it was better than what I expected. Have you watch ATLA? If not you should. For a long time I felt like I was Zuko in a way, but after watching The Legend of Korra I changed my mind, I really did saw myself in her and her struggles so, if you have time to spare, please watch ATLA and TLoK. I have a feeling you'll like her too. But yeah, we get to spend more time together. I never told you that but when we broke up I told my mom so, but I was feeling so numb that I didn't had any reaction on my face when I told her but she started crying. She was dissapointed. I can remember the look on her face when I told her that, said something among the lines of you being a good person, the worth kind of girl to have in your life and I knew she was right, but I just couldn't feel or do anything.

And I also think that was a big part of me not dealing with my feelings back then, I didn't allowed myself to feel anything related to you. I was trying so hard to put on a hard face with everyone to try and show them that I wasn't hurt but in reality I was just hiding from the facts. It hurt me so much seeing you at our university, so that's one of the reasons as of why I left. Not because of you, but because of me not being capable of dealing with all the beautiful memories that became so painful to bear whenever I was heading there.

I must admit that back then I was watching your FB profile until one day I saw that you were on a relationship with him and I... I just couldn't believe it. I thought that it didn't matter to you because it felt just way too soon for me. And I know we all heal differently, I've met a couple of people who can't stand being alone and are constantly seeking for the one who will give them attention until they get bored of them, and I don't mean you. You guys have lasted a long time and I'm happy he treats you and loves you the way that you want, but that's the current me talking and not the boy who didn'tn allowed himself to cry when he felt sad or to feel at all.

I want to admit that I feel tired, I've been sleeping 4 to 5 hours tops this last few days and I'm feeling a bit stressed but... yeah, I have to put on a brave face and a "can do" attitude. I still have a lot of difficulties talking about my feelings with everyone but I feel this is the only way where I can truly vent...

Can we add #good night at our last letter of the day so that we don't keep each other awake waiting for a response? I'll wait for yours if you have anything to say, but if you don't... I dunno, just a good night is good enough I guess.

But yeah, I'm really glad you had a nice morning and hope to keep reading your letters.

[areumchelle]

👩‍🏫 Run into the World of a Student pursuing an English Major👩‍🏫

Being a teacher is difficult because tons of school papers are being done not only in the classroom but also in their houses, and I'm fully aware of that since our family course is teacher.

Flashback 🕰️

I was in junior high back then when I decided that I would take tourism as my course, but unfortunately, my parents declined due to the fact that it was out of budget and would take time to pursue. I was unhappy until my aunt and her daughter, who was a teacher, told me that there's a huge advantage and benefit teachers have, which led me to decide that I would take education as my course. I then took English as my major because this is one of my weaknesses, and I want to enhance it so that I can work abroad, which is somehow connected to what I really want, which is to work in my dream place, South Korea.

My first year seems unreal. My journey finally starts, and as it begins, I'm a bit struggling with what I should do and how I can improve myself, especially since I'm new to this world. English was my weakness back when I was in high school, and as I'm pursuing English as my major, it makes me nervous since I'm afraid of public speaking. I later began to question my decisions, like, Does this course fit me? Is this what I really want? and many more. Even though I'm lacking and still coping, I didn't give up and still did my best in this course. Late night snack, or what I must call late night dinner, due to the deadlines I must finish, breakdowns that I always feel every time that I question myself, sleepiness nights, and improper bed routine, and these are the things that I experienced during my first year, but as I always do, everything happens for a reason, and I always pray to God that I will overcome these years without fear of failure. I didn't have friends when I was in 1st year since we were conducting our classes online, but I still have contacts and am chatting with some of my classmates to avoid being an outcast when face-to-face classes occur. One thing that I will not forget about when I was in my first year of college is the challenges that I thought I would not overcome, but God is good because all of my hard work and struggles paid off, and that concludes my first-year journey.

The new learning modality came when I was in my 2nd year of college, wherein we do classes in both online settings and face-to-face gatherings. The 2nd year for me is the happiest college year of my life, wherein I met my true friends and was also able to get familiar with as well as socialize with my other classmates that I've never met and talked back to when I was in my 1st year. It was fun, memorable, and full of obstacles. During this year, I first experienced crying over grades that I didn't deserve, but of course I looked at that as a positive thing and believed that grades don't define who I really am. My 2nd year is indeed the happiest year, but also the hardest year at all. I experience a lot, like no dinner at all, because of the deadliest deadlines I must finish within that day; I also experience being awake for 24 hours just to finish a video presentation; and lastly, I was sadly under a lot of pressure from my family and also scared to fail them. I thought back then that I wouldn't be able to come through and pass my second year, but I was wrong because I was recognized as a lister in both semesters. The lesson I've learned in my second year is that every challenge has its equivalent outcome. Yes,  it seems hard at first, but trust the process, and you won't think that you've finally overcome it. 2nd year is something I would treasure in my life because in here I learned a lot that helped and became me nowadays.

Time flies so fast, and now I can't believe that I was in my third year of college. All of my relatives and acquaintances say that the 3rd year is the hardest year of all in college, and I don't believe that until I experience it for myself. It feels suffocating and bombarding now that I'm in my 3rd year, wherein simultaneously deadlines, back-to-back reporting, research, and all of the other things I must accomplish to get a passing grade. I was in the first semester of the 3rd year, but it seems that I was in the 4th year because of the much more pressure from my family and aunt because they already know that I have a boyfriend. I always think positively every time I feel suffocated, and I think positively every time I am at the lowest point of my life. 3rd year is the hardest year, but I can say that this year is also the important year wherein you will learn a lot that will help me when I become a teacher. I was now more than half way to the finish line, and giving up is not my vocabulary anymore; crying is only the one that will help me to be better, and being positive as well as being with God are my partners at all times. Still far from what I should become, with more improvement and more pressure to come with all of my learning, I will be successful one day.

Experience, pressure, and struggles are the one that will mold me, and through these, I know that I will become a good teacher and will help the students one day.

"PADAYON FUTURE EDUCATORS"

[canonicam]

This is my very first post, I would like to use this as a type of diary!

Today is august 15th aka day 1!

Today was a very strange day, a rollercoaster of emotions and thoughts. You see, I just stayed a whole week in my new apartment. It was fun while it lasted, but I have currently no internet there. I have hoped that my router would have worked yesterday, but some reason that doesn't seem to be the case. I called customer service at 8 am, which seemed strangely late, because I have been awake since 6 am. I couldn't sleep, and that's because of the fight I had with my boyfriend Nick.

You see, me and him started our relationship after only knowing each other for 2 weeks! That's insane, but for some reason we thought that we knew each other enough to start a whole ah relationship. In just two days will it be our first month anniversary, which we sadly won't be celebrating, because we simply don't have time to see each other. Anyways, I'm loosing track!

Me and him had a fight, which resulted in me saying "I don't think you love me as much as I love you".

He said "Yeah you are probably right".

I really shouldn't have asked that question. I really didn't need to hear that. Now I'm kinda scared he ends up regretting getting into a relationship with me and leaves me.

All I wish for is to be loved and feel safe.

Anyways, I have finally found my passion today: Organ transplantation! Let me explain!

I'm starting uni soon, where i'll be getting a bachelor in biotechnology and thus become the 3rd engineer in my family (my father and his father being engineers aswell). I have always found biology and the limits of science interesting, but I haven't been to put my finger on what I want to focuse my studies on in the future. However, a few days ago, I went to a science history museum, where I got introduced to the world of transplantation! It talked about the struggles of transplanting an organ and how we need to compensate for the lack of donors in the world. For some reason I felt truly inspired my Jens Christian Skou, a danish physiologist who discovered the sodium-potassium pump. He won a nobel prize for it! Even though his discovering doesn't really have anything to do with organ transplantation, it was his determination that in inspired me. It took him 40 years, and his goal was never to win an award or to get some sort of credit. When he was young and lived in the US, he read an article about some strange molecule in our cells. He was determined to find out what this molecule was all about.

Besides, the world of organ transplantation and the idea of creating organs in the lab with the help of stem cells, it just seems like a crazy thing.

And I was crazy once haha.

Welp that's all for today, see you tomorrow! :DD

[diaryoftheunidropout]

DAY 55

Welp. Today sure was a pain in the ass. Still positive stuff about it though.

So yesterday I didn't have a proper meal, only a little bit of dried fruit that I binged because I was stressed out about the Heartstopper S2 announcement. I think it was the first time ever I went a day without really eating at all. That means I went over 48h without a proper meal. And the worst part is I didn't even feel that hungry or anything. I find starving myself way easier than it should be. I did eat this evening though, at the restaurant, but skipped breakfast and lunch.

I was woken up at 8AM by the sound of my mom struggling to close the door behind her (for some weird reason there's no door handle). At first I thought she was just picking up the mail or something, but when I noticed she wasn't coming back, I checked and saw she'd taken her phone, purse and coat with her. I was worried and I didn't understand, but then she texted me kindly letting me know she'd gone for a walk and would come back when I'd tell her I was awake since she didn't have the keys and only I could open the door for her. I replied right away that I was awake, but she said she was going to stay out to walk and answer some voice messages. She came home at around 10AM apologizing for getting angry at me the night before.

Looking back now, I am quite sure she wasn't answering voice messages, but was actually on a call with a man she told me about. Some dude apparently living in Switzerland but travelling all across Europe all the time because he's a renowned architect and has a daughter living in London. He tried calling her the other day when my mom arrived. He allegedly lost his wife to cancer three years ago. I saw pics of him. I feel like he's a fucking liar. About the pics, about his job... Everything.

Everything was going pretty fine in the afternoon. I wrote my first article for a media my best friend-godmother works for and it was posted! April 25th, mark your calendars!! This might be the start of a great big thing, idk!!! Then I took my mom to see a play I'd loved and had actually seen because the friend who works for a media was invited alongside the press, and she could have a +1! It was just as lovely as the first time and I accidentally crossed paths with a friend I knew from MIDDLE SCHOOL. The middle school from a small town of a little over 1,000 inhabitants, 350km away from here... literally insane, and not the first time it happens to me. Then we heard from my grandma who had medical exams to take and it went better than expected. Then my mom and I decided to go to the restaurant and that's when my day went really bad.

I wasn't peeking or trying to invade my mom's privacy, but I saw the name of the Swiss guy popping up on her phone, and a message that started with "hello my lover".

So now I am 99% sure my mother is a hypocrite who lies to me.

Don't get me wrong, I do not give a single shit whether or not she's fucking around with men or dating men, or anything. Literally none of my business and I don't care that she might be hiding things from me. But her crying all the time to ME, her late husband's only daughter, about being a poor widow who will never love again, and THEN doing the very opposite of that is LYING and HYPOCRISY and I cannot fucking stand it.

I don't care if she's hiding things from me, I care if she's lying to me, because that's different. I'm pretty sure that the other dude she told me about and who ditched her, causing her to fall into an anorexic episode, was actually her boyfriend, not just her friend. I CARE that she's lying because all of these men are fucking using her and destroying her and then *I* am the one who pays all the fucking consequences of having a mother so unstable she triggers my self-harm behaviors every time I see her. I am so fucking mad I am so filled with rage and I am so trying to contain everything within but, oh boy, the day it all fucking EXPLODES... I'm afraid it's sooner than I actually think. I'm pretty sure she's writing to him right now and it makes me so fucking SICK to think this morning she woke me up early after I'd had a shitty night only to leave me for some man she's never met irl and who's going to demolish her mental health even further. Like yeah I surely haven't been the fucking best at helping her mental health considering how shitty my own was, but there was only ONE SINGLE FUCKING PERSON who spent 2 hours on their knees comforting her when she was drunk as hell and had binge eaten and couldn't stop crying, and that was my 15 year old traumatized and depressed ass, not any of these dirty pigs.

She knows she's destroying herself, she KNOWS her fucking billion relationships with men is killing her, and she keeps spending her entiiiiiiiiire days on dating apps and talking to one man and then another and another and talking and talking and blah blah it's all that matters and I'm going to cry out of rage if I go any further.

The wound I gave myself yesterday didn't hurt me when I made it, but it's been so sensitive today and there have been hours where the pain was almost unbearable. It's worse than any of the other wounds I've ever had.

I am in such constant pain. I wish it would end. I wish I would die. Because I love my mother more than I love anyone else on Earth and she is fucking destroying me further and further because our relationship has become so beyond toxic, except she's my MOM, my fucking BLOOD, not some random person I can just ditch for my own well-being.

I wish she would fucking try to heal for once so I'm not the only stupid bitch out of the two of us fucking fighting to try to make the most of her life as best as she can.

It hurts all the time. All of it.

[orangesunsets12]

Letters for the Lonely and Broken (part 4)

Part 1 // Part 2 // Part 2.5 // Part 3 // Part 4 below

AO3 Link

-----------------------------

Dear Steve, 

Sorry, it’s been a while since I’ve written. School has been…hard, to say the least, but I’m managing. People started avoiding me when they found out why I was in crutches, that I was one of the victims, but all of the Party ran to my aid. We’re closer than ever now, and I think they’re one of the few reasons I’m doing okay. The boys and Erica play DnD all of the time now, Will is the new DM of Hellfire, which is insane to me, but he loves it. El and I usually just watch, but even just all being together, as a group…it helps. A lot. Now, I feel less alone. I feel like I can finally move on. 

I’m also going to a new counselor, one that the government has hired, someone who knows all about the Upside Down. It’s nice to be able to talk to someone, someone who has professional training for that sort of thing, but it’s still not the same. I think that a part of me wishes that I would talk to you instead of the counselor…but at least I can write to you. Honestly, I think that these letters have helped me more than this professional stuff, but I couldn’t know for sure. Either way I’m doing a lot better now. 

I know that this probably seems sudden. You’re probably thinking “What? But Max was just saying how she was really struggling?” and it’s true, I was struggling. I still am. But, now the pain and the trauma seems smaller now, I guess? I feel like I can finally breathe again. I don’t know if it's the counseling that helped with that, or hanging out with the Party, or knowing that I can talk to you whenever, but it’s nice. Now I feel like I have a future. 

In your last letter you were talking a lot about peace, and I understood all of what you were saying. How you felt like you couldn’t slow down, couldn’t stop fighting, like you were always waiting for a fight, and I felt a bit of that too. For the longest time I thought that Vecna would come back, that I would start getting nose bleeds again, that El would have to risk her life again. But, as more time has passed, as I spend more time with the Party, with my mom, talking to you and my therapist…I think that that feeling is gone. For the most part, at least. Flickering lights still scare me, as I think they all do, but that’s expected, right?

Anyways, I guess what I’m trying to say is that I feel at peace. I think everyone here does too. So, if you want to come home, if you are able to come home, maybe you can find your peace, too. I know that we’ll help you. Everyone will. We all miss you, and we want to help you. I want to help you.  If anyone deserves a bit of peace, a break, and having a normal life, it’s you. Please don’t forget that. 

We all love you, Steve, and I know that you may never read this, but please come home. Have that peace that you want. If I can achieve peace after what I’ve been through, I know that you can, too. 

From,

Max

-------------------------------------

Dear Max,

Wow. I can safely say it’s been forever since I’ve written to you. Life has been crazy lately. Between traveling, fighting, helping people…I’ve barely gotten a moment to myself. But, now I have a few minutes, so I thought that I would write to you again. 

How have you been? Is the school up and running again? Are you awake? 

Oh, who am I kidding. I know that you’re awake. You’ve never been able to stay down for long, Mayfield. 

Anyways, things have been good here. Well, as good as they can be. The fighting is still going on strong, but we’re making progress. It looks like we may still be fighting for a few more months, but I really don’t know. Some days it feels like the end is in sight, when others make me feel like I’ll be here for years. 

I’m helping people, though. A lot of people. 

I can’t really talk about who I’m fighting, or where, so here’s the “safe” version for you. 

Yesterday, we managed to push our enemies out of a village, a village who had been taken over for months. I can’t stop smiling at the thought of those people finally being free, being able to be out on the streets without fear, to be able to be safe again. 

A bunch of kids gave me hugs. I couldn’t understand what they were saying, but their smiles meant everything to me. 

I was one of the people that helped give out food and clothes. Everyone was just so grateful, so happy, and it made me happy too. It was why I wanted to come out here, to help people, to save them. I’m glad to be able to say that I’m finally doing that. 

I have to admit, though, they all reminded me of you and the other members of the Party. How I would help you guys, how you guys would be able to stand strong yourselves, saving the world at such a young age. I could never be more proud of you guys. 

I think that this is what I want to do with my life. Maybe not the military part, but the being able to help people part.  Before our adventures, I had no clue what my future held. I still don’t. But, now…maybe I want to be a teacher or something. I just want to help people, especially kids. Is that weird? 

Anyways, I think I’m finally finding myself out here. Even though it’s hard, harder than I thought, I think I know who I am now. I'm someone who likes saving people, helping them when no one else can.

Maybe that was why I ran. Maybe I didn’t know who I was to you guys, to myself, to everyone who trusted me. Maybe I didn’t see myself as someone who could help others.  Maybe I didn’t realize that, even though we lost people, we still saved some, too. 

Don’t get me wrong, I still feel horrible for what happened to Chrissy, Eddie, Patrick, Fred, you, but I guess that I can finally see who I managed to save, too. Dustin. Nancy. Robin. You. All of the kids. Hawkins itself. Maybe even the world. 

Wow. That’s a thought. I think that we all actually saved the world. You did most of the heavy lifting, though. You’re the hero in this story. I’m just someone who helped out. 

Shoot. I have to go. I’ll try to write back soon. 

Thanks for listening, Max. I hope that you’re doing okay. 

From, 

Steve.