#but like a lot of this is ableism. call it what it is. it's fuckin ableism.

[synthshenanigans]

there’s one on here currently and they’re bringing back up old controversy (jashshipping)

Yeaa I saw that. They also seem to post a bunch of CJ related things, so I might make the daily photos one since there isn't one for just CJ screenshots/photos

[ploncc]

Really not a fan of the assumption in language learning that everyone wants to learn (or can learn) the Four Main Language Skills(tm) of reading, writing, listening, and speaking. Bring back that one dude in the 70s that was teaching English readers how to read (and maybe write?) French through a slow gradation of English with some very basic memey sounding French grammar and eventual vocabulary through a book about a schoolboy getting into hijinks, that guy knew what was up.

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

Aita for telling my sibling (16nb) that I (20f) think all their "friends" are pedos and zoophiles?

CW, pedophiles, zoophiles, vigilante justice and ableism

Right so my sibling has joined a discord group that does vigilante justice on online predators, think "To Catch a Predator" but instead of having anyone who knows what they're doing they're a load of terminally online idiots. They lure in people, I don't want to know their methods tbh, then publically berate them in a discord voice chat. That's it.

The group ethos is that public humiliation will cure them of being pedos, and that is not how that works actually, you fuckin morons. The rest of this server are aware my sibling is 16, btw, and are totally chill with them being in the same space as people they accuse of being the worst forms of scum imaginable (pedos, zoophiles, zoo sadists, you get the idea).

Im sure you can tell I can't fucking stand this server for many reasons. Firstly, because they claim to care about children's welfare whilst bringing my sibling into a space like this. Secondly, because this method does not work and they're giving any victims false hope. Thirdly, the vast majority of the people they managed to convince to get in call with them are clearly mentally disabled in some way, and, while that doesn't excuse predation obviously, I suspect the server picks these people in particular because they want to yell at audibly disabled people over voice chat. Finally, there's a weird vibe to a lot of the members of this group that, for lack of a better description, screams porn brainrot. They're so sexual all the time and in very inappropriate places, like a fucking server meant to deal with sexual predation. There's a time and place for puppy kinks and in a discord server where evidence of people sexually abusing animals gets posted is not it!

So I found out about this, compiled my evidence, then showed my sibling and basically blackmailed them into leaving the server or I was going to show our mother what they'd been up to. I reported the sever separately, and I'm not sure what else I can do about it tbh. I know they'll just make a new one if this one gets taken down.

My sibling is very annoyed with me. they've been banging on with teenage melodrama that I'm standing in the way of grassroots justice and shit like that. Eventually I snapped and said "I bet every one of those grown adults in that server is a nonce or a dog fucker or something, and making a group like that was just to cover their asses and focus the attention off of their creepiness."

Since I said that, my sibling has been giving me the silent treatment, aita

What are these acronyms?

[itsaspectrumcomic]

man ok idk if youll be able to advise on this or something but like. do you know anything regarding dealing with like internalised ableism?

i live in a rural part of ireland, right? and idk what it is about rural ireland but some of the people are heinous. my school is in a small miserable-ass town and like. God, man. not everyone sucks, of course but like. jesus lol additionally i have a ~mildly ableist~ mother (a "we're all a little bit autistic" and "erm. youre not disabled because youre not in a wheelchair or blind/deaf" etc etc type stuff. + "npd = bad person" which isnt particularly good for me specifically because i have npd (that i both Cant get an official diagnosis for, for various reasons, and im not really Looking for one either because i know what i am and its not like you get support for it because ~ooh scary narcissist~.)

and like. idk if this is Obvious but that can kinda cause a weird-ass relationship with You (being Me in this case, yk how it is with the second person perspective when. ranting) and The Concept Of Being Disabled. like, objectively. im disabled. im autistic, ive definitely got adhd (that im hopefully going to get examined for at some point cause college stuff requires it for the disability forums and stuff. gotta love that. fuckin 80% comorbidity right?), ive got a laughable number of repetative strain injuries, i have a sensory processing disorder, an endocrine disease that effects my Entire cardiovascular system, a spine that felt a lil quirky and bent in too much. so on a so forth

but also like. it feels wrong to call myself disabled. yk, like im doing a disservice to all the other ~actually~ disabled people (being Anyone but me lol) (none of this is At All helped by the fact that my mother refuses to listen to me regarding Jack Shit about my health in Any way. "oh you nearly passed out on top of a hill because of your cardiovascular condition? erm youre just not exercising enough actually" "you dont have depression [said while i was filling out an assigned mood diary after being forcefully brought to camhs for Reasons" like. shut the fuck up and Listen to me please. at least Entertain the idea that i could be right about something for fucking once lmao. cause ive been right about EVERYTHING regarding my mental health so fucking far so. fuck off /nay ofc) (also man. like, even if you ignored the physical issues ive got im still disabled on account of being autistic. like, motor function is fine, despite being a lil clumsy and/or unsteady sometimes but like. my emotional needs are Fucked. think of the response youd get if you asked a. fuckin. 8 year old or something to do algebra. but with a very emotionally stunted and traumatised 17 year old lol. lmao, even /lh)

so like. if youve got. any advice or whatever on any of this thatd be Super cool + no pressure obvs. sorry this is a whole. like. fucking essay's worth of Random Guy Complaining To You On The Internet lol

-🐢 <- just so i can find this again if you respond. i Like Turtles. i am Normal about the tmnt and also turtles The Creatures. i wont talk at length about turtle mutant anatomy (i am deceiving you)

Internalised ableism is a really hard thing to deal with, especially when you're surrounded by people who constantly re-enforce it. I've also spent a lot of time worrying that I'm not disabled 'enough' to deserve certain accommodations, that I'm making an unnecessary fuss. But the truth is, autism IS a disability and if there are accommodations that can help support you, you deserve access to them. You're not taking away from others with disabilities by advocating for yourself.

It's taken me a long time to understand this and I still worry sometimes. What has helped is talking about my experiences with people I know understand, like my therapist or best friend, and learning about the experiences of other autistic people through books, social media, YouTube and even real life.

I'm sorry your mother and others aren't being understanding - remember that's a them problem, not you, and try to spend your time with people who do understand.

🐢🐢🐢 <- the turtles wish you luck

[randomgooberness]

This is in reference to the one post where Gordon gets all embarrassed for talkin like a kid (and maybe I missed something) But does Freemind sign "sorry", or say it out loud? I'm so curious if ya'll have a reason for how or why Mind signs, or the fact that Gordon can even UNDERSTAND it !!

(ask is referencing this post)

TYSM FOR THIS ASK! WE HAVE A LOT TO SAY ON IT LMAO. @shineyfish 's answer: MIND SIGNS IT HE LOVES LANGUAGES!!! there's lots of points in Freeman's Mind where he speaks in different languages or references shit to do with that so it's a big hc of mine that he knows how to speak a bunch of different languages. Can't have prior potentially talking shit about him, and you can't talk shit about him if he always knows what you're saying! Hilariously to me though is that he Canonically doesn't know Morse code. Sign language in particular I feel like he'd know because it's a language where you don't need to speak to use it. That's perfect for anything where you need to be silent, for example, being in Panama with your buddy Eddie and you don't want to get caught.

My answer:

From Gordons POV, in my headcanons, he grew up learning sign language because of his autism- it made it easier for him to communicate nonverbally, especially because he was mostly mute for the first few years of his life(to which when he was like 7 or 8 he switched to never shutting up LMAO). Gordon couldn't actually understand that specific moment where Mind signed, because he wasn't facing him and was moving, so he didn't really see it- just a bit of movement(hence why he's confused in the comic). However, there IS a scene that took place a day or so prior(in act 1, that comic is in early act 2) that had them using it. I shared a small screenshot of the scene because it was really funny to me, but Ace agreed to let me edit it up and post the full segment here! Have a treat :D

This takes place after they get outside for the first time and run from the airstrikes- and go into the vents with the skeleton and the sweet voice.

WARNING FOR: ableism(internalized and external) and (technically)self-harm

"It can't be THAT hard to fly a fuckin plane!"

Mind laughed, half joking with that as he moved forward. 

It didn't take long until he was whining again.

"Why are so many people trying to kill me?? I'm awesome! Are they jealous?"

He didn't have enough bullets for all of them at the rate they were going at. The military should give peace a chance, or at least stand still.

"I'm calling dibs on the med station."

"Go ahead," Gordon chuckled. "Yeah, I think they're just jealous of you. They uh. They think the Science Team is too sexy to live." He wheezed.

"YES!"

Mind hooked himself up the the med station, silently begging the thing for what he wanted.

The med station, checking his vitals and seeing he wasn't mortally injured, did not give him any morphine.

"NO!"

He rested his head against the thing as it appropriately treated his more minor injuries. He didn't want to say he was getting desperate, because he wasn't, and if you thought that you were wrong, but... It was hard to be sober around this place.

He laughed joylessly.

"They've got it all wrong. We're actually too sexy to die."

"Exactly!" Gordon laughed, clapping his hands. "Let's uh, c'mon, Bubby I- dude what are you charging in the HEV suit station." 

"My MP3 player." Bubby said.

"What?" 

"Don't tell anyone~!" 

"...Okay," Gordon wheezed. "Is that what's playing the Russian speaking?" 

"The what?" Bubby looked...genuinely confused by that question. "No?" 

"What speaking?" Dr. Coomer tilted his head. Gordon sighed. 

"...Nothing. Let's move on." 

Whatever the fuck Gordon was talking about, Mind was a little concerned about it. Being overly Paranoid that you're seeing things can be good when you need to look for enemies, but hearing things that aren't there? That could be a problem.

Whatever. It wasn't too much of a problem right now, and they still had hallways to go through for a second time. He never wants to look at a hallway ever again. His headache was a little worse, and now that the noise was muffled he had a ringing in his ears. 

"Why do you get an MP3 player?? And why does the HEV station charge it??"

"I want to listen to my tunes," Bubby said. "The HEV station charges anything." 

"I use it for my bionic body!" Dr. Coomer nodded. 

Gordon rounded over to a vent nearby. From it, odd humming and whistling could be heard- alien sounding. Like the Sweet Voice. He pulled out his gun and headed inside. Mind heard it too, flinching. 

"...No. no, it's dead, we watched the bitch get torn apart by the doors, there's no way it survived that. I'm either just imagining that, which is concerning, or mistaking the sound..." 

He didn't seem to be talking to anyone, although kept his gun ready as he spoke. 

If nothing could kill that- that thing, then... "We really are fucked."

"No...No, I'm hearing it too, man," Gordon muttered. He was shocked that this vent was big enough to stand in, and walked cautiously. "...Maybe there's more like him here? I mean, it's called the Black Mesa Sweet Voice- it might...I dunno. We'll see. Maybe it's friendly."

"I doubt that, if Mall-cop was anything to go off of, it'll be irritating at best."

Following close behind Gordon, gun at the ready, he could feel his heartbeat. Something about the mere thought of seeing that thing again sent a spike of fear through him.

"At worst? I don't think I want to know."

"Yeah," Gordon laughed. "I'm tryin' uh. To be an optimist. Sucks." 

"That's the problem, optimism gets you nowhere in the long run. At some point, you need to cut your losses and start breaking shit."

"It sounds, friendly," Tommy spoke up. 

"Oh, right- you can read it.” Gordon perked up, looking at the taller scientist. “What's it saying right now?" 

"Umm..." Tommy tried to focus. "I-I dunno, I can't really tell without the- without the colors." 

"Oh, okay. We'll see in a bit, then." 

They rounded a corner, and Gordon noticed a figure. 

"Wait for my word, do not shoot." 

A flash from a camera behind them. 

"Don't take pictures flash photography scares him."

They got a little closer, and the figure was still hard to see in the dark. 

"...Hello?" Gordon called. 

A small buzz emitted from it, and then a few lower ones, purple. Gordon got closer, and sucked air between his teeth when he noticed it was a fucking skeleton. 

"...Do you know what that is?" He whispered to Tommy, who shrugged.

As they turned the corner, Mind kept his grip on his gun, assuming it to be an army recruit. He couldn't make out a weapon, but he wasn't taking any chances on that. 

He didn't believe his eyes when he saw it properly.

Option one, he was hallucinating. This was bad for the obvious reasons, but he was skeptical on that because the others were clearly seeing it too.

Option two, there was a real, living, sweet voice using skeleton in front of him. This was almost worse, because it immediately made him worry about Benrey. He watched him die. Now he wasn't so sure.

Option three, group hysteria. He wasn't certain on this one. 

"... I'm not seeing that. There is no way I am seeing that."

"...I think we are," Gordon stammered, eyes huge. 

The skeleton made a few more noises, sort of like a guitar plucking. 

"Stay back- stay back staaay back-" It was hard to tell if Gordon was talking to the skeleton, or to The Science Team. "...You guys have any ideas?" 

"...I could always punch it," Dr. Coomer tilted his head, though he didn't seem so sure. 

The skeleton whistled a few times, a soft, odd noise, before it made a honk noise. 

"...Okay, on three, we rush it," Gordon muttered. "God, I'm scared-"

Tommy perked up. 

"Wait, no!" He cried.

"What?! What?! Do you know what it is!?" 

"That's green!" Tommy asserted. 

"What does green mean!?" 

"Green means he's not mean!"

"So-" 

Gordon was interrupted by repeated whistling and buzzing, a flail of colors appearing. 

"What does that mean-" He choked. "What is he saying?!"

And then, suddenly, the skeleton reached a high pitch that continued on and on, and it was deafening, bouncing against the metal of the vents they were in and stabbing into their ears.

Mind almost dropped his gun, rushing to cover his ears. Too LOUD. Too MUCH. 

"SsHHHHUUTT UP SHUT UP, BE QUIET!!" 

"OW- FUCK-!" Gordon yelped, now covering his own ears. 

It hurt. It hurt. Mind felt like his brain was melting, and without thinking he started shooting blindly at the thing, eyes squeezed shut and ears awkwardly pressed between his free hand and his shoulder. 

He needed this thing dead... Again. 

Unfortunately, he didn't think about the current location they were in, and the gunshots only echoed in the vents alongside the creature. He really should have brought his earplugs to work, but they might not have done much for whatever fresh hell this was.

"JUST KILL IT I CANT HANDLE IT-!" Bubby screeched. Gordon, as if he were an attack dog, started bolting toward the thing with a shout- leading the way as the rest of the team followed. 

The skeleton, who didn't react much to the bullets, started running as well.

Mind squinted his eyes open, tears pricking at the corners of his eyes as he did, and saw the group running. Unbearable physical pain be damned, he ran after them, not wanting to be left behind.

He needed to make sure that thing stopped existing, even if the process of doing so was going to make him want to commit atrocities... More than usual.

Bubby raced ahead of Gordon and took out-  ...oh god that was an RPG.

Before anyone could say anything, the trigger was pulled, and a rocket blasted through the vents before exploding against the metal, sending a blast of heat and deafening ringing toward everyone.

...And, not only did it not break the vents they were in, but Gordon and the rest seemed to not even care, locked on their target.

Mind, who had uncovered his ears, deciding to just grin and bear it until the thing was dead, caught the full sound of the explosion. 

In almost an instant his body decided enough was enough, and he screeched, falling to his knees and covering his ears, gun forgotten beside him. His palms were pressed hard enough to hurt, and he was almost certain that when he took them away, the imprint of the gloves would be on his face. 

He didn't care. He just needed the ringing to stop. 

He didn't even notice the tears falling until he took a breath, shaky and broken, and heard himself sob. What filled his chest at that was a red-hot shame. What kind of idiot couldn't handle a little bit of noise? Even at that, he didn't need to cry at it, he was being pathetic. He was sure of it, nobody else could see him like this.

The gunshots were muffled and distant, still ringing through the vents as they got further and further away- much louder than a scream, a loud, panicked conversation, and then a bit of talking. 

The first thing Mind properly heard was footsteps and Gordon's voice.

"God, where is he- shit I hope he's okay-"

The large man turned the corner, and perked up, before racing over and sliding on his knees- he immediately put a hand on his shoulder. 

"Woah- heyheyheyhey- are you alright!?"

Without thinking, Mind HISSED at the guy, immediately scratching and pushing the guy away. Space, he needed space, don't look at him-

"GGET THE- GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME!" 

His voice is rough from sobbing, but there's a significant growl to it. 

"IF YOU COME ANY- A-ANY CLOSER I WILL NOT HHHESITATE TO BITE YOU." 

For a split second he looked Gordon in the eyes, and his own were full of fear. It wasn’t for long though, as he very quickly covered his face, scratching at his eyes with a screech in an attempt to make everything less.

"Woah-! Hey-" Gordon backed up, eyes huge. 

He didn't know what to do here- granted, he barely understood what was going on, but he had a feeling this might be related to all the noise from earlier. He himself fucking hated it, but he went into a tunnel vision trying to kill the damn skeleton as a way to cope- and regretted it, because it meant he left Mind alone. Not to mention, his ears were still ringing. 

He backed up a bit more, and sat down across from Mind, face twisted in worry. 

"Hey, keep your- don't touch your face, man."

"I'LL DO WHATEVER THE FUCK I WANT!"

There was too many people looking at him, he could feel it-

He hated these stupid gloves and their protective rubber, dragging them over his face just left a dull ache. If he didn't have them on he'd be able to be done with this, the sting from his nails usually tipped it over the edge for him and his stupid brain would start to calm down again. Sure, he normally had to hide the marks until they faded when he was at work, but it's the middle of an alien apocalypse, was he not allowed ONE source of relief in this hell?

After another attempt, he sobbed again, taking his hands down and looking at Gordon with a tear-streaked face. He looked tired. He felt tired. He didn't want to be here anymore.

Gordon frowned, shrinking a bit as he watched him. 

He was a little scared, honestly- he didn't want this guy to suddenly snap and decide he was an enemy. He didn't...entirely trust anyone here, but that trust was building, at least a little. 

He didn't know why he was starting to trust these people, despite how fucking stupid they all acted, or how mean to him they tended to be. He already sort of considered them friends, and hoped they could all still talk after all this was over. 

Naturally, this was scary to see, because of that. But he decided friends should trust and support one another- that's what he heard all his life.

He swallowed, fiddling with his hands and looking at the ground. 

"It's- you're alright, dude, we're. I dunno if we're safe right now but we're...you can breathe, I'm here, alright?" 

Was that what you were supposed to say? He wasn't sure.

Mind felt weak. He felt so weak. Useless, pathetic, there was no way in hell these people will be able to look at him the same. He needs to get out of here. 

As he tried to move though, he was shaking too much, that annoying tremble in his hands from earlier now a full-fledged tremor.

He only distantly heard Gordon's words but he laughed at it, hollow. What, did he think he needed help? Did he think he wasn't strong enough? He would have snapped back at him if the exhaustion wasn't so strong in him. Whatever. He took a deep breath, or tried to, curling in on himself.

"Hey- dude, please sit down- please?" Gordon put his hands out. "You're- you need to calm down, first, alright? Can you-" He paused, looking him up and down. "Auh, fuck, okay gimme a sec." 

He paused, thinking- when he was little and had basically daily meltdowns, not long after he became verbal, one of his old teachers used to give him a cup of water so he'd be distracted and stop crying- he later used this technique on Josh all the time. 

After a bit, he went through their collection from the vending machines and took out a bottle of water. He opened it and set it down in front of Mind.

The guy looked between the bottle and Gordon. Trying to think of any tricks, any ulterior motives, anything. 

He came back with nothing. It registered as a discrepancy to him, why was there no trick to this?

Suspicious, he took the bottle, slowly raising it and taking a sip, eyes on Gordon practically the whole time. 

Taking a sip felt gross in his mouth, and he cringed slightly, but drank a little more.

He didn't like admitting that it did make him feel better, and his brain was still shot with panic about what that was as he sat the bottle back down in between them.

Gordon didn't look at him very much- though the guy already avoided a lot of eye contact unless something stupid was said. He continued to play with his gloves a bit, nervous, and when the bottle was set down, he looked at Mind again, studying his breathing and making sure it was slower. 

"...Are you able to talk?" He asked, softly.

Mind opened his mouth to say something sarcastic back at him, Yeah of course I can talk, I'm not a toddler.

... Only to find that he could not talk. 

The shame was back, he hated this. 

Shaking his head no, he brought his knees closer to his chest, practically death-staring Gordon. This is your fault, somehow.

"...Okay, that's fine- I-I go nonverbal sometimes, too," Gordon said. "Do you know sign language? Or would you rather, would you rather we have uh. Fuckin. Would you rather we have quiet time?"

Quiet time. Just hearing the words made Mind want to hurt someone. It felt childish, and he wasn't a child. He was just as damn capable as the rest of them, voice or not. 

Luckily for him though, he did know sign language. Unluckily for everyone else, his hands still shook, and he was absolutely going to get snappy if he had to repeat himself.

"Sign."

Gordon perked up. 

"Okay-! Great! That's- that's great, uh," He  looked back over to the charred vent nearby, and then to Mind. "Do you need anything in particular right now? I-I'm uh, k-kinda scared to leave you alone, cause...I mean. Aliens." He gestured. "But if you want um, me to be quiet, or me to uh, talk? Or distract you? I-I can do that-"

Mind shifted, snapping his fingers.

"Shut up. Pay attention."

He took a second, and another sip from the water, before continuing.

"Don't like this any more than you do. I can still handle myself, not useless."

He paused.

"... I don't like noise."

"...That's...fine. I don't, either." Gordon said. "And I know you aren't useless, you've- I mean, you've kinda been the most normal guy here- and uh, you're smart." 

He curled his knees to his own chest, looking at the ground, before deciding it was important to make sure if he knew Mind was signing or not.

"...I-I've kinda needed you as a source of grounding this whole time, man. It's...everything else is fucked and these people, I-I care about them but they're fucking...confusing." 

The other guy had started signing something, before it died on his hands as he processed that.

Mind wasn't expecting at all to be told he was wanted, let alone that he was smart and helped ground the guy. 

Some weight eased itself off of his shoulders, and he finally looked away from Gordon with such scrutiny. 

"... Thank you. This place is fucking insane," another pause, "doesn't surprise me that you need me here just to make sense of everything."

Gordon let out a wheeze. 

"Oh, it is fucking insane, I don't- the rest of the gang is exploring up ahead, but uh...yeah no. Today fucking sucks. And...I dunno what that skeleton was but- that noise and us shooting shit in the vents? Dude, I thought I was gonna throw up," He straight up laughed. "It- my ears are ringing still. And I'm still hearing weird fucking Russian."

Mind laughed, silently shaking before snapping his fingers again, a smile on his face.

"What is with the Russian?? I'm surprised I didn't throw up if I'm honest."

His expression dropped, and he looked down the vents to where the skeleton went.

"Did you kill it?"

“…I dunno, uh- the vent suddenly dropped off, into uh. Fan blades. Bubby fell in and didn’t get hurt, somehow,” Gordon said. “Uh, they all started to figure out how to get through when I realized you weren’t with us, so I came back here to see if you were okay.”

Mind paused, going over the words in his head.

It occurred to him that he hasn't tried to find a secondary motive or worry about any aliens spawning in beside them for a bit now. He didn't know how he felt about that.

"...Thank you."

“Oh- yeah, man, of course! I-I want us to get out, leaving you would be shitty, you don’t deserve that.” Gordon said, and then started feeling a bit of his Dad Mode instincts kick in again. “You feeling better? Need food? I have more uh, more chips.”

Mind smiled weakly, exhaustion from his breakdown still flooding his system. 

"I'm good for now. Don't think I could eat even if I wanted to. Finishing this water though." 

He picked up the bottle, tracing over the side of it.

“Good- good idea.” Gordon chuckled softly. “You uh, you do that. Then we can see if we can catch up with the team, alright? Or wait as long as you need.” 

He pauses, hesitant. 

“…Uh, there have been a few times where I’ve forgotten earplugs for heavier experiments, and uh. Got overstimulated and shut down, a-and I always locked myself in my office when that happened, cause I was…I didn’t want to be judged. So…I uh. I can kinda get…if you wanted to wait a bit longer. I-I’m pretty sure the Science Team is chill, I know for a fact Dr. Coomer is autistic- Bubby and Tommy haven’t told me themselves but they’re. I dunno. I don’t think they’ll be shitty. But we can still wait.”

Mind’s grip on the bottle tightened slightly, and he put it down again to sign.

"I'm not autistic. I just... Can't handle too much noise. And it isn't my fault that other people can't do things the right way."

If the only reason Gordon was being nice to him is because he thought he was Autistic, he didn't want it. He wasn't broken. He didn't know why his chest hurt at the thought of that. 

He looked away.

"I can move in just a second."

Gordon raised an eyebrow at that- it wasn’t in any offense, it was…well, it looked sorta like he doubted him, kind of a sure buddy, whatever you say expression. 

“Take your time, man. I don’t mind waiting.”

Bite, chomp, kill. Mind let it go, for now, not having the energy to argue. 

After another minute or so, he started to move, grabbing the bottle. He went to check for his gun as well, before realising it wasn't holstered, and looked around frantically, panic rising.

He spotted it close by Gordon, and practically lunged at the thing to put it back where it belongs. 

"Okay, now I'm ready."

Gordon gave him a smile, and with a grunt, he stood up, stretching. 

“Houghman, Alright, let’s-“ 

He was interrupted by footsteps, and turned around, noticing Bubby turn the corner. 

“Dead-end.” He grumbled, Dr. Coomer and Tommy following behind. 

“Huh!?” Gordon gestured. “Wh- why?! Really!? How big is this place!?”

...

TYSM FOR READING :3 SORRY IF IT'S A BIT MESSY, AGAIN THIS WAS ORIGINALLY AN RP BETWEEN ME AND @shineyfish !

[anendoandfriendo]

New ADHD/Autism special interest unlocked: create an ethical AI model and train it, you know, ethically, so all of the artists we would be training the model on knew what they were getting into and they could literally just make separate art for that or just decline if they wanted, instead of whatever the fuck Tumblr and everyone else seem to be doing, so there is an anime person AI model out there that does not:

assume flat chested feminine-read people are children

assume men in skrts are rare and we do not need to put in "ugly,  deformed, noisy, blurry, distorted, out of focus, bad anatomy, extra limbs, poorly drawn face, poorly drawn hands, missing fingers, disproportionate anatomy, realistic, photo, close-up, female: 1.1, woman: 1.1, girl: 1.1, breasts: 1.1, long hair: 1.1, shorts: 1.2, jeans: 1.2, makeup: 1.1, extra legs, extra arms, badly drawn face, poorly drawn eyes, badly drawn eyes" in exclusions when we could just type in "man in a skirt" in the prompt and do nothing in exclusions, and the job is done. We just want our anime boys in skirts.

for that matter, the sheer ableism in the words "ugly" and "deformed" and the ableism present for "missing fingers" and "extra limbs" and such being seen as default exclusions. So an anti-ableist AI model we guess

STOP ASSUMING EVERY BRAINBODY IS WHITE-SKINNED OR LIGHT-SKINNED BY DEFAULT. WE SHOULD NOT HAVE TO INPUT "DARK SKINNED" FOR A DARK-SKINNED PERSON??? THEY SHOULD GENERATE IN EQUAL NUMBER TO LIGHT-SKINNED PPL.

Why? Because we can fine-tune it ourselves then so we can actually see ourselves better when we have simply plural profiles. And also because of our friends. Who like. Shared this thing awhile back (web archive here):

Because like, yes, yes, we agree, from what we can understand the way a lot of them have been trained currently is completely unethical but the solution is not to take away an accessibility tool because everyone is having the same moral panic society had when computers and video games happened.

Like...the solution....is to make it so we have a universal basic income exists so people aren't forced to rely on ANY job weather they like that job or not, we have price control on all products to ever exist if society still thinks money should exist so we don't price gouge everyone into homelessness anyways, and make technology and how it is made much more transparent.

Fuckin. Fuckin hell. Traditionally hand-drawn art, computerized art with some manual work (we're thinking like...animation we guess here), and AI can all coexist lol. Don't @ us. We aren't debating this right now. We're telling people where we stand on this.

[torse]

AU / headcanon scene - “10 Cloverfield Lane”

if you've seen the movie called the same, 10 Cloverfield Lane, you'll get the gist. Dunno what city. can be ToG. There is some sort of Disaster™ happening, it can be the plague Notkin's in the hospital, missing a leg he doesnt have leg prosthetic but he has crutches he's like 20ish idk TW/CW ableism or something adjacent to it? someone being really fuckin weird about Notkin missing a leg LMK if it should be tagged as something different :(( don't wanna spook anyone

a Guy, either a doctor/rescue worker/or just "concerned citizen", had visited Notkin a lot while he was in the hospital Guy had lost his son, and mentioned that he thinks he might've grown up to be like Notkin. They get along alright and he keeps Notkin company when he otherwise has no one The hospital gets much busier suddenly people are panicking, getting evacuated, etc Guy runs up to Notkin, saying the plague is spreading. that there's a new variant that the vaccines can't protect against Guy is very concerned about Notkin getting sick again, so takes him to his underground bunker- a little weird that he has one but, hey, if it's plague proof then okay they're hiding out for several months over this time, Guy exaggerates/lies about world status, making it seem much worse than it is. Alternatively, it could actually be that bad. Notkin has no way of knowing Guy will not let him touch the radio or parascope Guy also starts treatin Notkin weirder over time his crutches "accidentally" break, and Guy deems them not important enough to waste materials fixing He instead makes Notkin have to ask for help walking it's overall just really fucking weird / invasive / too personal / grody no good vibes Guy's dead child apparently had allergies- or so he claims at one point during dinner, Guy suddenly had a fit and wouldn't let Notkin eat the food due to "peanut allergies" Notkin has no food allergies and Guy keeps coming up with little things like that to the point where Notkin's not sure if the dead kid even had allergies later that week Guy offers to carry Notkin to dinner- only it wasn't a request Notkin still refuses, he might be missing a leg but he'd rather hobble along the wall than let someone carry his grown ass like a baby Guy starts losing his shit, making threats, he has a gun- so Notkin makes some insincere apologies and has a very miserable dinner In light of that fiasco, Notkin decides that he needs to get the fuck out of there before Guy goes even more insane despite Notkin STILL not knowing what's going on in the outside world eventually he does escape, he sneaks some supplies to repair a crutch and maybe-possibly-a-little-bit beats the shit out of Guy for being an insane creeper

ending technically leads to the next headcanon blurb, Little Bird, but there are inconsistences and ehh not necessary world is fucked outside but the plague had passed. he manages to find people/Grief eventually after a bit of a struggle I guess this could technically be post-p2 Nocturnal ending though in my weird dream it was more post apocalyptic-y

[marshmellowtea]

anyway i keep complaining about the killing eve inspired who's lila au living in my head rent free so i might as well. fuckin. make a post about it lmao

putting this under a cut because holy fuck this got long (and this isn't even everything, if you can fucking believe it) (also warning for some mentions of ableism, if there's anything else i need to warn for lmk)

honestly i never watched all of killing eve nor do i really remember most of the plot so i'm calling it "inspired by" rather than a fusion au or something because it's just become more and more its own thing. really this whole thing kicked off because my brain went "hrhrhghg. lila (and will by extension) wearing pretty outfits and killing people while tanya tries to figure out who the fuck she is. mommy issues. sapphic girls. send tweet" and that's the basis this thing was founded on lol. (i was correct for this btw, in case you were wondering /lh)

will and lila do share a body in this au but i'm kinda flip flopping between whether or not they're a system or if i wanna take this further away from the source material and add supernatural elements to this where lila is a tulpa/spirit/whatever tf she is that latched onto will like in their original canon. i'm kinda leaning toward the latter because i don't want this to fall into stereotypes about people with DID being scary or evil (like. lila isn't evil in this au but she does enjoy killing people which can frankly pose a Problem even if i do try to be delicate/more nuanced about it) but i feel like stereotypes can happen either way so i'm. trying to figure out what to do here ahgkldjglk. this is another reason this au was originally going to stay solely in my head but honestly i developed too much to keep it bottled up so HGDKSJFKL

either way they share a body but lila does all of the killing because will is squeamish and frankly far too sweet to be a murderer lmao. they have a way better relationship here than the one they have in canon, they're more like friends or siblings and lila goes out of her way to protect will......even if she can be a bit careless with their body sometimes. when she does get injured on assignments though she tends to get him a treat (things like clothes, food, stuffed animals, toys, books, games, etc agere stuff too because that slipped in here OOPS) to try and make up for it, though honestly, sometimes she gets him things just because. their apartment is littered with things lila bought (or stole....) for him at this point cuz it's the way she shows her love for him basically. what else is she gonna do, express it verbally? fuck that lmao

i was kinda agonizing about this choice but yu is their handler/the one who gives them their missions, and also their surrogate father figure because of course he is lmao. i was kinda worrying about this being ooc for him but then i realized like....he was part of the group that killed the rest of the lawrence fraternity, which regardless of intention is still murder ahglkdjsf. i feel like a lot of people gloss over how morally dubious that was, even if it was almost definitely his best option given the circumstances, so i'm just taking that same logic and bringing it here--lila was trained to kill by and for the lawrence fraternity in this au, and once they're gone (either by dying, arrest, or something else, maybe she just runs from them idk that could be interesting) she just continues killing because it's all she knows. since she refuses proper rehabilitation, yu here is like "look, if you want to kill, we can find some people we need you to kill as a last resort, and we'll even pay you well for it. please stop killing random people you choose to pick fights with" ahdlkjlkJFD. also, having her technically employed by him helps keep her and will close so that he can make sure they're safe because he worries about these orphaned teenagers okay :'))

tanya's role here is kinda nebulous here, originally she was going to be an agent tracking lila down like eve was but i didn't wanna bother messing with these character's ages (i ALREADY have an au where they're aged up to their mid twenties for the sake of plot so give me a break lmao) so now she's more like.....technically a witness who decides to get invested in the case despite being like 17/18 and having no expertise lmao. like in the og killing eve i was thinking maybe she meets lila in the bathroom before she kills someone and thus becomes obsessed with her when she realizes she's probably the killer? i have to work on her more idk i just want these two to be weirdly obsessed with each other and for tanya to frantically hunt her down with her limited resources before they eventually meet and KISS about it

tbh as an additional motive for tanya i have been toying with the idea of martha being the one lila kills since that's her friend and it would fit with that one who's lila scene BUT two problems: 1) i would have to come up with a reason for lila to have to kill martha and i can't. really think of a good one especially if yu is the one giving her orders, and 2) i would just feel really bad about doing that to her. hgdalksjflksadf. she might be spared solely on my guilt alone honestly, we'll see what happens.

anyway that's the basics of the au i just wanted to get this fucking word vomit out there. i may or may not post more about this later (or, god forbid, i might write an actual fic, could you fucking imagine lmao) but yeah. if you read all of this bless your soul i love you

[kylekozmikdeluxo]

Further post-Election journal/diary entry/LONG POST... Again, nothing up for debate, just raw and incoherent AF thoughts and how I'm seeing things...

So in the current whirlwind of figuring out what went wrong, and how to "reach out" to the millions of Americans who are so easily swept up in a massive modern misinformation apparatus that favors the far right and that reprehensible orange hog... The thing I'm hearing now is... Young cis men or whatever were alienated by "elites"?

What the hell is an "elite" in this context? Well, to the right, it seems to be a member of a marginalized community. If not, then it seems to describe a college-educated person, or someone who has some kind of perceived savvy?

I'm immediately flashed back to 2011-ish... The sorta hipster stereotype, the pseudo-intellectual iPhone-toting, Starbucks-drinking, vinyl-collecting, back-to-simpler-aesthetics geek? Is that who REALLY alienated men from their spaces and made them feel left out? Thus they turned to incel shit and utter misogyny and Andrew Ta- I'm sorry what? I gotta pump the brakes here for a second.

I won't lie, I definitely caught wind of a sort of "what's with these fuckin' hipsters?" backlash. I was actually kind of that myself in 2011-12ish, while also decrying them. Like the dumb young adult that I was. I was simultaneously very arty/into those sorts of things, and also kinda resentful of that overall subculture? Like I was indeed kinda snobby, especially with my own interests, most of which a projection of my own insecurities as an artist, writer, and... Well... Human being who wasn't "smart" enough", wasn't "good" enough, barely got through school, etc. I remember a paper I wrote around 2016-ish in college, decrying who I was in high school without realizing, "Hey! You are AUTISTIC, and were SURVIVING week by week in a system built almost entirely against you! Be easy on yourself!"

Anyways, where was I? Oh yeah, "elites". It seems like anyone who went to college is an elite, or colleges by nature are elite. Being this specific kind of "intelligent", and not being a "common sense" kind of person... Apparently one is synonymous with the left, the other with the right and Orange Nightmare and whatnot...

Some out there who don't feel smart enough for the former criteria, maybe as a form of rebellion, look at this so-called elite as what they think it is.

Some people, from my perspective, have this self-defeating shame of having not gone to college or living up to this perceived intellectual echelon. “That must mean I’m dumb!!”

Then they wear that as some sort of badge of honor in retaliation, and then that insecurity is further weaponized.

Yes, there IS a lot of snootiness in the world. Some people will just look down on you, no matter what. Both on the "common sense" side and the "intellectual" side... Not just in college and education, but also the workplace, various industries, you name it.

It’s not really an “elite” if you're being looked down upon like this, it’s hard cold biases at play. I feel a truly smart and intelligent person doesn't look at someone who is trying their best, or even a misguided person, and calls them "stupid", "unintelligent", "uneducated", etc. Well, I don't do so well at that, so count me out as "smart" lol.

Condescension like this can come from racism, ableism, and classism even. It’s not some league of hoity-toity "elites" conspiring against you and the soul of America or whatever such bullshit.

That very real snootiness you can experience in some of academia and other supposed higher-up institutions is then somehow applied to anything remotely left-leaning... And the right? That whole detached misinfo sphere? Do they weaponize that or what! Again, the whole "we're the common sense side of this equation" mentality. They then drill that into the heads of your average Joe: don’t feel bad for not being “smart”, for you are not in the “liberal elite”!

Anyone who ever tried to make me feel stupid in life, and that happens OFTEN… it has nothing to do with whether or not they went to college or are actual "intellectuals", or their accomplishments. I am a college graduate, and as an autistic person whose support needs are overlooked ("oh, you're mild autism, you can handle this"), it didn't come without unique difficulties. There is indeed ableism and discrimination in academia, but that's just it. It's prejudice, NOT a sort of cultural and aesthetic "elitism". No, it was in their ableism against autistics like me. Their adherence to an imagined hierarchy, a true "elitism" if you will. Get the words "left" or "liberal" outta there.

By contrast? Orange Man is an elitist who looks down on others, as do many other Republicans and rich assholes who are in bed with them. The irony...

“Intelligence” as we know it is VERY inclined towards neurotypicals. It’s not a “liberal elite” that struck me down or continues to strike me down as a left-leaning person, it’s people who are following set-in-stone social norms and codes that are hardwired against people like me, and many many others. Again, no matter who you are or where you're form. How it got intertwined with left-leaning politics is something I've yet to dissect.

So, there was indeed this sorta stereotype of that pseudo-intellectual left-leaning elitist that was prevalent in the 2010s, from my perspective. And somehow this stereotype became synonymous with the party of... Checks notes... The Clintons, Barack Obama, and Joe Biden. And it seems like some people out there can't process that their party was seen as stupid and uneducated because of their bigotry, their warmongering, and everything else they do to make Americans' lives so much harder.

And what do they do? They double-down and make that dingus their official spokesperson... Along with several other dinguses...

And that was how you got all this "common sense" bullshit, such as sneering at doctors and scientists in the face of a pandemic. Oh, who needed the pandemic response team anyways? This is all a big conspiracy! They wanna control us! Anti-vax this and "Dr. Fauci is evil" that. That kinda shit, right there. Like it's some kinda rebellion against an imaginary enemy, when ironically, it's ignoring common sense. When "be sure to ask questions" becomes "Question everything! Everything is a conspiracy! NEVER question the Orange Man, though!"

I don't know the answer to this question, but what really made these people feel so dumb in the first place? What would make them turn to a bunch of wannabe-rebels like this? I'd say it's a systemic issue that fails the lot of us, no matter who you are or where you're from. A meritocracy that measures us all on a hierarchy. Either you step back and realize you're being judged on this needless scale and see that your usefulness to capitalism is being determined, or you become a rightwing anti-vaxxer bigot transphobe orange-man-supporter.

Again, it's a loaded question for another post that I may probably not make, but I wanted to just put out what's on my mind right now.

[winglssdemon]

I've mentioned it a bit before but while I'm on my ableism soapbox...

If you're fat and saying/implying that people shouldn't fat shame you because you're healthy...that's ableist as fuck. Fat disabled people exist and you cannot be healthy at every size either. It is literally physically impossible to be healthy at every size. And that should be okay! It's up to you to decide how to treat your body and no one should shame you for your body, abled or otherwise.

Also, it is also p fuckin ableist to get mad at people who need to or want to try to lose weight for health reasons. Disabled people already got a shit ton of health problems, maybe we/they want to be able to help or get rid of the ones they have.

It's also kind of terrible to try and act like no one deals with the effects of binge eating and overeating. Binge eating has never really been taken seriously in general and it's not super well known, but I am noticing an increase in people acting like if someone talks about their binge eating and how it has made them gain weight, that they're then fatphobic for doing so. Sometimes people gain weight and become unhealthy from either binge eating or using food as a coping mechanism. There's nothing morally wrong with being fat from BED or using food as a coping mechanism, however, trying to normalize binge eating and eating emotionally and acting like they're not forms of disordered eating is both harmful rhetoric and honestly kind of ableist too.

I'm disabled and I am fat because for quite a few years I've turned to food as a coping mechanism against pain. Unfortunately, a lot of sugary, high fat, ultra processed foods can actually worsen pain. Plus you can only get a new wheelchair every five years and with the world being so inaccessible to wheelchair users, getting a bigger wheelchair just isn't always feasible. I have had to start a real attempt at weight loss (through eating healthier food, stopping emotionally eating, and increasing my physical activity) and while I still am overweight, I am slowly working on getting to a healthier weight that will work best for me. And it's not fatphobic to do so.

And honestly, it's been really nice to lose some of the excess weight I've had. I do actually feel better generally, I have less asthma symptoms than I used to, my endurance is way better, my hypertension is definitely improving (ofc that is also because of the healthier foods), and I really just can't explain what it's like to just be relieved to not being going to the kitchen almost every night and eating all the junk food to try and make yourself feel better for just a few seconds when you know you're gonna be miserable about it after you finish. Like it's such a frustrating cycle to be caught in and myself and others who are learning both healthy coping strategies and how to stop harming our bodies through food should be allowed to talk about it without being shamed for it.

So yeah, basically calling people fatphobic for taking care of their health the best way they know how is pretty damn ableist. And acting like just because you're healthy means you shouldn't be body shamed is ableist as fuck. No one should even be body shaming anyone and idk how that's becoming a controversial take.

(I also have a much larger and researched post with sources coming about the issues with haes, BoPo, and all the misinformation that is being spread within the communities.)

[le-agent-egg]

Ok to add a little more context, the guy (D) was yeah, going behind my back and deadnaming me, even to people who I was personally close with. Apparently what he would do was, when talking about someone who didn’t know me, drop my deadname. Which. They didn’t know me so just?? Refer to me as Zach??? Bro worst part is I’m not even surprised anymore lmao

Additionally there is one thing I completely forgot to mention in the first post, but I’ll put it under the cut since this is already piss long. Quickly: Tw for general weird behavior, mentions of sex and such, really fuckin weird text messages, and potential ableism

This is gonna be a lot shorter, but one thing I didn’t mention is how that group of people would treat me with the topic of having a crush. For starters let me say that I am most likely neurodivergent in some form, however the group of people I mentioned multiple times took and made a running gag about me being autistic. Which is really gross. This also included them sort of infantalizing me regarding relationships, and like I mentioned before, they were probably at least fetishizing me for being trans just a little.

ANYWAY. The first thing I wanna talk about regarding that is a discord conversation from a while back. That group of people would sometimes host get togethers where they would go to get fast food and then go to either a person’s place or Walmart. On one trip, I didn’t feel like going, can’t remember why. While the trip was happening, I get this string of texts.

These were sent on the same account. The black is the guy from before, D, texting, and the red is someone else, who was also the owner of the account. Obviously I do understand that having “edgy sex jokes” isn’t uncommon per say, especially in a group of high schoolers, but. These don’t really come off as jokes. Especially with this text message from D

Ignoring the random spam of emojis, the image he sent gives me a very good reason to believe the person texting in black was D. My friends also agree that this was really really weird, almost creepy to send.

To go a little further into this, I am completely unsure of how it happened, but a running gag also started of me having a crush on a guy who I’ll call C. I barely knew C, and honestly he. Wasn’t that cool of a person. “Bigotry is peak comedy” type guy. But even if you ignore that fact, D did something really weird on my birthday.

So my birthday was on the tenth of May, sixteenth, big deal you know? And it’s not uncommon, at least where I’m from, to decorate people’s lockers for their birthday. What D did was print a bunch of pictures of C and tape them to the inside of the locker. Really fucking weird. Additionally, very often he would make jokes about me making out/having sex with C. Gross and icky and ughhh. I have proof of the lockers but I won’t put them here, since I do have at least a bit of respect for C’s privacy regarding his face.

Honestly with all this shit about the running gags and trying to demonize me for being neurodivergent in some way and the really weird behavior with crushes and deadnaming me behind my back I’m. not even surprised anymore lmao. Should have known that a guy hanging out with people who thing being a bigot is the funniest thing ever wouldn’t be a good person. I am so fucking done.

Ok now that school for me is over I finally feel comfortable for talking about how this year went for me, because holy fuck it was horrible.

Now I in absolutely no way wish to overstep boundaries for anyone who sees this, so here we go: trigger warning for s**cide, s**cidal thoughts and tendencies, s*xual assault, mentions of r*pe, smaller mentions of homophobia/racism/transphobia, potential fetishization of trans people, and just general power abuse from schools. Please, for the love of god, if you do not feel comfortable with any of these topics, do not read this post.

I would like to preface by saying that I come from a very European bloodline, like everyone leading up to me is European, however I myself am Canadian, and I have a lot of North American influence in me. With that being said, one thing that is pretty common from what I know is for people, especially in the country my mom is from, to be people pleasers. I am a very heavy people pleaser, I don’t like talking about my feelings, all that fun stuff.

In the city I live in, there was a school that I wanted to go to for two reasons: most of my friends were there, and there was a specific program I wanted to be in, though it was mainly the former and not the latter. The only problem is that due to the amount of people going there, it is a closed school, meaning people from out of zone are unable to attend UNLESS you are in the program. You can see where this is going.

Even though I was ok with going to my designated school for a while, around of March 2023 I decided I did want to go to the school with my friends. I submitted my first application form, and around June, I got an email saying I would in fact be a candidate for the program.

Tenth grade starts, I start going to the school, and everything is fine for the first little while. Some details will be kept private, but some work related things happened to my family around early October. Now for the really fun part:

The thing about this program, and honestly school in general, is that it’s very focused on academics, and almost wearing people down. We were doing a novel study on the book The Chrysalids, a book that I personally relate to very much, when shit really went down.

To start things off, we had a pop quiz on the book, that I ended up only getting 40% on. I was completely freaking out, only thinking of how angry everyone was going to be. Then while we were reading the book, a lot of the religious references started getting to me, the ones regarding the “true image of man” if you’ve read the book. (For context, I am a trans man, and that stuff kinda made me feel. Not very good.)

So I end up going to a school counselor, talking about that, which eventually leads to me finally spiraling into talking about my own suicidal thoughts. For a bit more context I’ve been struggling with mental health since around the sixth grade after needing to go to the hospital for something with my eye, as well as my grandfather passing away. I started talking about just how bad I was feeling, and since it’s part of the safety rules, the counselor did have to call my parents. Let me tell you there is nothing more awkward than your parents finding out about the fact that you’re dealing with suicidal thoughts, especially over phone.

So. Long story short, we ended up going to my city’s children’s hospital for a risk assessment. We talked about some stuff, got some resources, all that fun stuff. Really awkward to explain to people why I wasn’t in class.

Fast forward a couple of weeks, I’m called down to the office again. Since this was around the time the people at my school were doing assessments for people for if they would get into the program or not, I got the news that based on the past week where I finally snapped, that they didn’t deem me fit for the stress of the program, despite the fact that for the previous month and a half, I had been doing fine. Additionally they said that I could stay with only one class instead of the required two, however this was the one I didn’t want as much. They kinda gave me a pity acceptance because they thought I would be too much to deal with haha. My dad kinda went off on them.

When I got home that day, I decided that after having my own mental health issues used against me, I wanted nothing to do with the school. Also, again, if you’ve read The Chrysalids, you’ll probably understand why I relate to much to the main character David (being in a society where you’re different from others, but in turn seen as a hassle)

Officially speaking, I denied the pity acceptance around December, meaning that in grade 11, I would be going back to my designated school. We were also getting help from a few counselors, so that really helped. I also ended up doing my oral final for English on being a part of a society that treats you bad because your different with David from The Chrysalids and Juliet from you can probably guess where. I cried during it lmao (because I said that I would end up like David in the sense of finally being somewhere that accepts me, rather than Juliet with… you can see the implication.)

You’re probably thinking “oh yay we’re at the happy ending!!” Nope nooooo haha we just finished semester one. Now moving onto semester two:

We need to go back in time to set the stage a little: Remember how I mentioned that one of the main reasons I originally wanted to apply was because most of my friends were going to that school? One of them, who I’ll call D, was included in that. D and I had met in eighth grade, since we were in the same French class and debate team. He introduced me to a larger group of friends, where I actually met a lot of cool people. He was someone who I considered my closest friend, and honestly, the main reason I wanted to go to the school.

Around the start of ninth grade is when my egg cracked so to speak, and I realized I was a trans guy. He ended up helping me choose the name Zach, which is what I’ve gone by for the past year or two. After everything else I say you’ll understand why I’m thinking of changing it, mostly because I feel like I didn’t really choose it. Anyway.

Ninth grade is when I probably should have realized that stuff was getting a biiiit weird. Obviously ninth graders are not known for being very mature. So one thing D would always do is hug me before I got to my next class. Seems innocent enough right? Well I’ve always been averse to physical touch - ask my parents, they can confirm that even when I was a toddler I hated being hugged. But I really liked D, platonically I should say, so I let him hug me, because I liked seeing him happy.

This evolved into him kissing me goodbye. For most of ninth grade he wore a mask, but around halfway he stopped, and often times our lips would make contact. People would always joke “haha you’re dating get a room” but I hated getting kissed, like genuinely hated it. Probably because, again, I am very averse to touch, and was never ready for a romantic relationship. I would just kinda dissociate whenever he would do that.

These jokes didn’t stop once we were in tenth grade, and neither did he. The kissing stopped, sure, but it evolved into constantly touching me and wrapping his arms around me. Again, I am very averse to physical touch, but even with feeling wildly uncomfortable I let him do it because I’m a people pleaser. I think what sucks for me is that so many people probably noticed how uncomfortable I was with all of this, and yet said nothing, like “hey are you ok with being touched”, or something. I understand I should advocate for myself, but I genuinely felt so trapped.

Whenever I would try to hide in the school, he would always somehow find me, and start the cycle over again. Sometimes he would hug me to tight that it physically hurt. But the worst thing is that, on multiple occasions, he would “accidentally” touch my ass, inner thigh, or upper chest. This is, as my friends describe both it and the kissing, borderline sexual assault, and under no circumstances will i EVER let myself be treated like that again. I felt like two years of a mutual trust build between us had been tossed in the trash, because even with a crush on me, he couldn’t keep his hands off me.

Not to go all conspiracy theorist mode, but I honestly feel like it might have something to do with the fact that I’m trans- none of this happened before I came out to our larger group, but after I did, all of this happened. Let me tell you that larger group has a lot of not very good people in it, like I’m talking thinking that racism/homophobia/transphobia/rape is the funniest thing ever. WHICH IT IS NOT. IT’S NOT VERY GOOD TO MAKE JOKES ABOUT RAPE WHEN SOMEONE IN THE GROUP IS BORDERLINE SAING SOMEONE ELSE.

So. Not very epic. But wait, there’s more!!

Another person who went to the school was someone who I knew in ninth grade as well- lets call her A. A is known to have a very big princess complex- she’s never been told no in her life, she always thinks she’s the center of attention, and she loves making herself seem like a victim. Literally, in a team-based activity we had, when we said we work bad as a team, she took it as a personal insult.

Another thing A is really bad with is that she does not know how to keep her hands to herself. She would constantly poke at my waist, even when I told her to not touch me. When we were learning some basic CPR stuff, and I said “don’t touch me”, she was like “Oh ok I guess if you’re choking I’ll leave you to die since you don’t wanna be touched” ?????

She was one of the worst with the “get a room” jokes, even when I told her to stop. We had a martial arts unit, and at one point she was hitting me so hard and frequently that I was unable to recover. Where did having respect for your opponent go? We’re sparring, not trying to kill each other lmao (also she actually did end up hitting my wrist pretty weird, and it was so painful I ended up sitting out for the rest of class. yippee.) To top it off, on the last day of school when I was telling a close friend about why I wouldn’t be in the school next year, A decided to barge in saying that it was my fault for getting kicked out of the program because of my mental health issues. Not a very nice thing to say to someone.

ANYWAY. TL:DR, I ended up getting my mental health used against me to get denied from a program, was borderline assaulted by someone who I thought was a close friend, and had a generally bad experience with another student who ended up telling me that it was my fault for getting kicked out of the program, all in the span of less than ten months.

Thankfully I am doing better now that I’m leaving that school and the bad people in it for good, and I also have some really great friends as well. Honestly I’m just glad I survived this year, because as bad as it sounds, without everything happening, I don’t know if I would have made it to 16.

If you’re still reading this, have some sweets because fuck that was heavy. Thanks <3 🍫🍰🧁🍩🍪🍦

[robitherat]

Alright so just as a preface I'm white and nom-disabled so this is 100% an outsider looking in

It genuinely baffles me how many people I've talked to that are torn about the Smith-Rock situation. Like, it's been one day and I've heard so many people who are trying to act like they'd be any more reasonable in a situation like that than Will Smith.

I mean just imagine being a man mere feet in front of you making a direct joke at your wife's expense on INTERNATIONAL TELEVISION. And that's without the added ableism/ablenoir. Just the idea of someone making fun of my friend in front of other people enrages me to the point of violence, let alone calling them out by name, making a joke about a chronic illness they have, and making it on the fucking academy awards. Like, this isn't some fuckin participation award ceremony for a school play where a dad got mad his star daughter didn't get the leading roll. This is a man insulting a black woman Very Publicly over an Autoimmune Disorder that he 1) knew about and 2) had made fun of her for prior. On inter fucking national television.

Is violence good? No, not really. But there's gray areas to committing violent acts. There's not gray areas to ableism and ablenoir. There's excuses for the former, none for the latter. Should will have slapped him like that? Probably not. Do I think we should all be a little more forgiving considering the circumstances? Yeah, I do. And I think it's insane that people are on the fence about it.

There's just. There's so many layers to this that I can't even understand given the fact that I'm not black. I've seen people raise the point of Jada Pinkett having to give up an important aspect of her culture because of her disability, the point of both Will Smith and Chris Rock being so heavily put under the microscope by the masses already by virtue of being black men, the point of antiblackness being perpetuated by black people, and so many others that I can't name, all points I never would have thought of had they not been pointed out, and all points that just further the fact that Chris Rock Did Something Really Fucking Shitty, to put it lightly.

And all of this is without even asking how Jada Pinkett herself is handling all of this. I haven't seen a single headline or person talking about her response to everything that happened, or how she's doing, and I feel like that kind of says a lot about what this situation is about. Black women can be humiliated and insulted and beaten down in the most public ways, and still have so few people actually standing by them. I've seen a lot of outpouring support for Will Smith, but hardly any for Jada. I mean, yeah, will is the one in the spotlight here, but Jada is the one being insulted in the firstplace. Whats her side of this?

Anyways, I don't know if this is coherent or anything like that. I might be overstepping, I really hope not, but I've just had a lot of thoughts I've been stewing on all day and wanted to share. Huge credit to all the black and disabled people talking about this because, again, I wouldn't know half of any of this if I hadn't read the firsthand accounts, and their word is worth so, so much more than mine ever would be on something like this. They're the ones you should be listening to, and so is Jada.

[shoezuki]

I deleted twitter and I only hear about it bc of the dreamwastaken2 reddit and my god, yeah, some people take it way too far with how much power they believe they have. I genuinely feel bad for sniff. And also, idk if you saw what happened in ranboo's discord as well like... that's the outcome if you try to please everybody. You cant. Because if you try, it will inherently turn into just ableism towards a group - nony

I heard some vague things bout overtly censoring everything in the discord to avoid 'triggers' n Jus saw him sendin a message in the discord bout how it aint workin which. YEA. i feel that is kinda an example of overtly cattering for all possible triggers n how it moves into Problematic territory in such cases. Like.... a part of having triggers, esp the Uncommon ones, is learning ways to cope and manage it urself. Which i have to say im talkin from personal experiences there. BUT i dont wanna get in on that rn i wanna talk bout snifferish

Genuinely like i seen ppl sayin she got no backbone n stuff on there for catering heavily to fans on who she can or cant follow n getting her to unfollow calvin, or refollow stans otherwise they call her 'racist'. And i mean i suppose thats not wrong but it feels overtly cruel

I feel for snifferish a Lot w this shit. The mentality and how ppl over there weaponize white guilt and are essentially manipulating content creators according to their wants and their fucked up sense of right and wrong and Activism. And yea it fuckin SUCKS n i wish snifferish hadnt 'given in' in some ways, although at the same time people are especially susceptible to rash decisions or on the spot jus.... wanting to go along w ppl to make em happy. No one wants to get mobbed or called Racist and ridiculed so harshly by many ppl. So they may act in the moment accordin to what can make it Stop.

At most im like. I hope sniff backs up from twitter. Both the site itself and the people fucking suck and we see that constantly. Sniff should hopefully step back and maybe fuck w other social media to at least find a place of more Rationale yknow. Without the shit that goes on over there. I dont want them to be ruled by twitter fucks

[mellometal]

It seems like Dhar Mann has fucked up AGAIN. I'm pissed. He really thought that it would be cool to make ANOTHER video about ASD to spread the ableist, misinformed, harmful narrative that "autism isn't a disability, it's a different ability". LET'S TALK ABOUT IT.

To sum up the video, an autistic man who uses a device to communicate with people gets hired at this restaurant. The boss says to the guy who brought in said autistic man that having a disabled person working at his restaurant would "make things worse". The guy tries to stand up for the autistic man by saying that he's smart and stuff, but doesn't bother to call out the boss being completely ableist.

The boss then tells the autistic man to not touch anything and to stay out of the way, which is underestimating what he's capable of. When the two cooks in the kitchen ask a genuine question about who their new coworker is and why he uses a communication device to speak, the boss doesn't introduce him to the cooks and says that he's "nobody".

Pretty much the ONLY person who bothered to do anything remotely positive with the autistic man (that was shown) was the pastry chef. She was teaching him how to decorate a cake, was very patient with him, and gave him praise along the way. She was interested in getting to know him. She wasn't mean to him or anything. She stood up for him when the boss was being an ableist bag of dicks. He even threatened to fire this guy, who did nothing wrong, just for being autistic and the boss had no idea how to help accommodate his employee in any way. He ended up discriminating his employee for being autistic. (Which he could get sued for in the United States, if this happened in real life. Disabled people are a protected class in the workplace under Equal Employment Opportunity, or EEO. Dhar Mann, this includes autistic people.)

Hell, even the autistic man stood up to the boss. He went into how nobody wanted to hang out with him and stuff when he was growing up, that he had to be hidden away from other people, and nobody bothered to give him a chance because he's autistic and uses a communication device to speak. He's good with people. He pretty much told his boss to stop being an ableist piece of shit.

When the cooks and the pastry chef all say that their new coworker fixed the fryer and decorated the cake, the boss then changes his tune. Happy ending, Whoop-dee-fuckin-doo.

First off, how does being nonverbal affect a person's intelligence in any way? How does a communication device affect a person's intelligence? Let me tell you, none of these things affect a person's intelligence whatsoever. To think that they would is misinformed at best, and ableist at worst.

There are people who genuinely don't know about all the different types of communication that people use, and that's okay! I'm not mad at anyone who doesn't know about different types of communication besides oral speech, writing, and sign language. (I've worked with and interacted with a few people who use some of these different forms of communication.)

Some people use a communication device like a tablet for Text-to-Speech (that was shown in the video). I worked with someone throughout school who used a communication device.

Some people use basic mands (expressive language) and/or basic statements. An example of that would be a person saying, "Me, walk." to mean they're going on a walk. Sometimes they'll make a gesture to show they're going on a walk when they do this. I work with someone who mainly uses this form of communication.

Some use books or wear something like a belt with pictures held on with velcro that they can take out and put back in their books or belt. I've worked with someone in school who mainly used this form of communication.

Alright, now that's out of the way....onto my response. I'm happy that I saved screenshots of my comments because I think Dhar Mann deleted them! (Edit: Scratch that, I commented these on Dhar Mann's other account for his behind the scenes shit instead of his main.) I might get blocked, but it'll be worth it. I have multiple accounts, so I'm not going down easy. He really can't handle being told that his narrative is wrong. (I've been wrong many times before, so this ain't about that "holier-than-thou" shit. I try my best to fix things, learn, and improve. I mean, it hurts sometimes, but I at least try to improve myself.)

This video hit home. I had to hide being autistic from my employer because I was afraid of being rejected for a job opportunity because of it and I was afraid of dealing with ableist people like these men shown above.

While I'm fortunate to be able to hold down a job, there are many autistic people who can't hold down a job or can't work at all. This shit doesn't help.

(For anyone who needs a description for my comments....I am calling out Dhar Mann for his blatant ableism and his fans in the comments for eating up this ableist, misinformed, harmful narrative and about the performative activism quite a few people on IG are about. It's way too long for me to go into extreme detail.)

(ETA: Yes, autistic nonbinary people exist. I didn't intentionally forget y'all in my comments! I love y'all! /p I wrote it while I was quite heated, plus the sleep deprivation didn't help.)

The YouTuber I mentioned, for anyone who wants to know, is TheMysteriousMrEnter. He's an autistic creator who makes commentaries about cartoons (just animations in general), he has talked about his issues with @utism $p3aks, and a lot of other things. He's even talked about his own cyber harassment and how he had stalkers on a few occasions. Honestly, I can relate to him on a few things, mainly because I've been harassed on the internet and have had stalkers online. Plus the love for cartoons and anime. If you're into cartoon commentaries, check him out. He's underrated. (Also....some ace representation for all my ace people here.)

Dhar Mann's a real piece of human garbage! The fact that he still has supporters is sickening. Again, I feel bad for all the actors in his videos. They deserve better.

[bloggedanon]

You do realize every single point you're trying to make has already been addressed by my previous points you evidently failed to read, right? Go back and reread it all if you wanna check to call me on any bullshit, I'll wait. Because guess what? I already said the ND lot pulling that shit were posers. Two wrongs don't make a right. All the harrassment and ableism you described? Guess what, it happens to ND folks too. You of all people should know that.

Until you do go back and exersize some critical reading skills and stop running on bad faith arguements with no substance, and then you or at least SOMEONE comes up with a REALLY persuasive arguement that there acually is a clean, dividing line between whatever the fuck constitutes a "pure" physical disability vs a "pure" mental disability, and then successfully justify the idea of "separate but equal" to go with it (an idea that has something of a historical track record of being reductive and self-defeating to every human rights movement that's come up), then you're just gonna have to accept that this random internet asshole thinks that you and every separatist like you is a fuckin' poser. ┐⁠(⁠´⁠ー⁠｀⁠)⁠┌

People are out here arguing that gatekeeping cpunk from people is actually perfectly fine because able-bodied ND people have mad- and neuropunk and that's "perfectly fine" with them and it's actually annoying as fuck imo, large explanation under the cut I forgot to add originally

• First of all, try to tell me that physically disabled people are mentally perfectly fine and have never had their mental health compromised as a result of their physical disability. Just try, I'll wait. Just like how I'm waiting to hear about "able-bodied" ND people not having any physical issues purely as a result of being ND.

• Secondly, that doesn't make gatekeeping with the mad- and neuropunk communities okay EITHER, even IF the first bullet SOMEHOW happens to be true. The separatist mind-body dichotomy is predicated in entirely false pretenses. The experiences between the physically and mentally disabled communities have SO much overlap. One "form" of disability is not inherently more or less disabling than another, that's down to the individual(s) and their conditions. A lot of either "form" can restrict people's abilities to perform a lot of the same tasks regardless of what the tasks may be or what "form" of disability is responsible for it. A lot of medical conditions (and systemic ableism) can produce a whole lot of symptoms that present like mental disorders.

• In the same vein, we DO have to acknowledge that some people have their disabilities affect them in ways that not everyone experiences. The experience of having a psychotic break isn't comparable to the experience of being wheelchair-bound. But neither is the experience of being a low support needs autistic that can function independently and being a high support needs autistic who can't bathe or dress independently and will need lifelong supervision, and this is just two examples of the same disorder! A person who's chronically bedbound isn't going to have a comparable experience to a Deaf-Blind individual, even if they both wind up with lifelong caretaking requirements. If we can acknowledge that experiences in the mentally disabled and physically disabled communities aren't going to be universal even WITHIN our own communities and we don't turn to separatists about it, what makes the physical and mentally disables communities as wholes any different?

• This one's the big one, and I see it a lot, you guys really need to learn what punk actually means. PUNK isn't about the "by X group and for X group" mindset at all. It's not about "X group of people vs X group of people." It's a community of people who are standing together against a SYSTEM. It's about highlighting society's wrongs and shouting about it, and trying to enact change in whatever way we can. Its praxis is just activism. You don't have to be black to stand with the Black community and fight for their rights, and fight systemic racism. You don't have to be a woman to be a feminist, and fight the patriarchy. You don't have to be queer to get down in the trenches with them and fight queerphobia (allies still get bottles 'n shit thrown at them regardless). You don't have to be disabled to stand against systemic ableism. You don't have to be the direct target of systemic oppression, or specific, targeted systemic microaggressions to fight it.

What punk is is getting down in the thick of oppression right alongside those who have to deal with it as a concrete force in their daily lives and being right next to them when shit hits the fan, fighting the same fight they are, and taking the blows as if you were one of them, because to those who want to perpetuate it, you might as well be. Anyone can be an ally, and allyship IS what punk is, just as much as being a member of a targeted group fighting for their rights. Systemic oppression doesn't care about the nuances when it lines us all up against the wall, and our infighting is doing its job for it. The second we start singling out groups of people for their identities is when we've already lost. Anyone standing up against these sytems is punk.

Anyone GATEKEEPING a punk movement isn't a punk, they're a fucking poser. A cop. A fed, even, because there are no cops at punk.

Can you have specific communities OF [x people with x identity and experiences], by and for that group by definition, to discuss their specific experiences unique to their situation(s)? Sure! Just don't do any fakeclaiming in the gatekeeping, mmk?

And don't you DARE call it fucking punk.

[butwhatifidothis]

I know it takes a backseat to El's well-deserved criticism, but I greatly appreciate the love you've shown Rhea on this blog. She's one of my favorites and the fandom's treatment of her is nothing short of heartbreaking. Going into 3H mostly blind I expected her to basically be a sociopathic, overzealous Tomas de Torquemada stand-in, but she was really likable and understandable. Probably helps that I started with the Deer tho 'cause CF Rhea feels like a completely different character.

Thank you!

Ngl, when I was first playing 3H I hated Rhea because WC genuinely does a good job at making it seem like Rhea is suspicious to a first time player who likely isn't looking too deeply into the events going on. But as I was playing through more and more of the story I was like "whoa, wait, Rhea's A DRAGON?! And she's savin' the little chickadees? Oh shit she got 'NAPPED?" and so even with the narrative trying to continue to bonk me with "wait Rhea still bad" I wasn't buying it as hard anymore, I wanted to give her a chance... and then the info dump happened (since I played GD first too)!

And ngl, even for a first time player I was like "wow that's a lot to take in wish they coulda sprinkled this over a bit more naturally" BUT I DID take it in. And I really appreciated Rhea so much more now that I got to finally hear her story and got to hear what motivated her to do everything she did. I don't think she was completely in the right in her actions, but there's also... no real right answer? Like what was she supposed to do? Reveal herself as a Nabatean from the get go a thousand years ago and risk being fuckin' harvested for her parts like an abandoned car in an apocalypse by scrappers that outnumber her incalculable number-to-1 (maybe 4 if she dragged Seteth Macuil and Indech along for the ride - can't drag Flayn cuz she's too busy sleeping off death that was caused by humans!)? Actually rule over Fodlan and force the humans to progress how she wanted them to? Let humans have access to the shit that caused Ailiel to stay ass for a thousand years because of humans? Getting to know that context really opened me up to her, to the point where I can see the parallels she has with all the lords and actively wish she could build some kind of genuine rapport with all of them (yes, even Edelgard somewhat, though that'd have to be for an AU fic than actual canon. I really wanted her to bond more with Claude tho!! Dimitri's route tho could at least harbor the chance of that happening post-credits so I take solace in that lol).

And. Like. Seeing the fandom's reaction to her? Bruh. You have no idea how fucking disappointed I was. Like, I plan on making a post on how my experience with the 3H's fandom eerily mirrors my experience with the Bleach fandom (in all the worse ways), but a part of that is how fucking slammed a character I happen to personally like gets by their respective media. And like?? You hear the ass-backwards arguments from people that don't like them and your head fucking spins because my guy my buddy my good pal o' mine what in the fuck are you actually saying. Shit that never happened, shit the character grows out of, shit other characters are just as guilty of doing but are beloved by the fanbase, all to come together to form a hate mob for a character that exists almost exclusively on shit that either doesn't apply to the character (whether ever or by the end of their development) or should apply to others, that makes the fans of said hated character genuinely uncomfortable with coming out and saying they like that character? Yeah, no, the exact same shit. Like. Literally. Even down to the ableism! The victim-blaming! The excusing of a perpetrator's - who happens to be the main antagonist for the majority of the series' runtime/playtime - horrid actions because "oh they're just misunderstood and lonely" and they were only doing what they did to rule over the land the right way! THEY LITERALLY BOTH USE THE "THEY WERE LONELY" EXCUSE! THE "JUST RULER" EXCUSE!

Like. I get it. CF!Rhea and the rest of the routes!Rhea are two totally different depictions of her. You come in from CF, where the narrative never lets go of the Rhea Bad red herring due to Edelgard's own biases, and you see this crazy lady calling you trash and garbage and that your ass stank and you're doo doo and all that, and she's cackling like a Crazy Person™, and you think "wow. Rhea bad." But, like. The entire game is all about subversion. Dimitri isn't quite the pure hearted fairytale prince. Claude isn't a cold, devious schemer. Edelgard isn't the honest and forward person who cares for her people, just coldly. These are the first impressions you get from the lords, and they're all wrong. But nah, Rhea should be treated like the Agarthans and there's nothing subversive about her. She's Just Evil, because the beginning of the game says so just ignore all the shit that makes her not evil, and thus should be treated as such. Imma be mean for a hot second... you have to genuinely lack reading comprehension to believe the overall narrative of 3H makes Rhea to be a morally black bad guy. You can't hide behind the "only played one route" excuse... ever, really? The fuck are you doing contributing to discussions of the game when you... haven't finished it?

But, like, anyway lol got a bit sidetracked. Rhea deserves so much more love in this fandom than she gets, and I might not be able to really change that much... but I can wait for my Rhea zine to finally come in at least lmao