#but like I can’t ever hold it myself | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

girlvinland · 2 years ago

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I don’t know if I’m ever going to find the thing that I’ve been seeking.

#by bug #I always feel like it isn’t meant for me #like it’s just reserved for people I care about #but like I can’t ever hold it myself #my timing is always so off #I still want to keep trying but #it always just waters that seed of doubt #I let it bloom over and over again #I never know if that’s positive or just foolish #maybe a bit of both #I want to believe that someday it will grow to it’s fully ability #with really bright petals and strong roots #and it won’t be a seed of doubt but a seed of trust and joy instead #I want to heal and protect and laugh and love #I want to create and cry and talk and sing #I want to do so many things #sorry it’s cryptic #it’s just easier like that sometimes

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st-hedge · 7 months ago

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It wasn’t on my 2024 bingo card that I’d draw V again. Anyway I’ll go ahead ramble in the tags

#devil may cry 5 #dmc5 #dmc v #so I’ve replayed dmc5 a stupid amount of times since March #but to be fair it’s a very short game #but I’ve developed a hobby of trying to connect dots between v and Vergil #cuz the detail is actually so good #for instance even how he holds the cane is similar to how he handles Yamato #his expressions are so alike but it’s not obvious #but then I thought #why is vergil’s humanity some dweeb who is like 20 something #he is like closest age wise to his dmc3 version #(this has probably been answered but I wanted to figure it out myself)#then I remembered the line from v about how his humanity has finally returned #so has it been subdued and dormant ever since he got imprisoned by mundus #and is that why his humanity resembles his younger self #cuz the human vulnerable side of him has been dead #this is the only edition of Vergil I won’t drop kick on sight #human v is a dork ass goth who has a soft squishy heart #and he can’t even kill his brother who he hates so much when given the chance #UUUGGHHHHHHHHHH #don’t even get me started about the ordeal with Nero #v tried so hard to just see him as a tool but he knows that wasn’t the case

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hplonesomeart · 5 days ago

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Hey!! So turns out a video I made between a certain “well beloved but highly sensitive/emotionally reactive T.V” and an “orange haired inkling-turned-human” has managed to sweep my YouTube channel and accumulate 100k VIEWS!! THAT’S A LOT OF PEOPLE ACTUALLY?? My most widely viewed video EVER to exist in this moment in time?? AAAAA?? Not even mentioning the various comments and staggering increase in subs! It’s so much more then what I expected or even prepared for—might even be the most impactful thing to happen for me this year <3

…aside from graduating high school + the social connections I’ve been fortunate to make lol

BUT THE POINT IS I’d been closely monitoring the YouTube growth through the entirety of October. It’s make me smile like a dork, gawk in astonishment, dance frantically in my room from the energy boosts, and grow courage to stop being so selective/self-conscious with what I wish to share with the world! It’s kept my ambitions going!

I needed to find some way to celebrate the occasion and express my thanks—because I can’t NOT acknowledge this milestone jksjskp. Typically I try to avoid getting tunnel visioned focusing on the metrics/numbers. Mr. Puzzles had already demonstrated how much those things can mess with the minds of creatives. Caring too much about chasing views or placing your artistic value in attention seeking gets damaging. But at same time…it’s hard to deny the sense of pride the 100k achievement has filled me with. I understand that reaching 100k views doesn’t immediately make me any “better” or “worse” then I was before. I’m still just me! It only helps me feel seen by others—and that’s all I really needed. To hear some nice words & receive reminders that my ideas are cared about. So thank you SMG4 fandom for that, seriously thank you.

Please accept this Mr. Puzzle drawing as a way of sharing the happiness around. He’s so entertaining. Love him for simply existing. So glad we can all collectively be super attached to him (and the rest of the SMG4 cast of course). Can’t wait to see more incredible artworks from the fandom :)

Just incase anyone is confused by my vague description over which “animated video” I’m referring to here—hopefully this photo will help clarify lol. It’s this one!! Sorry about not outright stating the title at the start, I got carried away with writing!!

I’ve been in an odd place mentally when thinking about it. Wondering to myself if any of the attention is deserved considering it’s not even fully colored and could be dismissed as “low effort” content (despite taking several days making it). It’s easy to get into a trap of comparing yourself to others and questioning how much of the videos success is based on your skills, sheer algorithm luck, or only because you used popular characters and catered to a specific fandom. And then judging yourself by looking at other peoples videos. I’ve seen several artists post higher quality works then my own but it somehow gets less views. So why did mine succeed when others (who should have gotten just as much attention if not more) didn’t? Sometimes you feel like you’ve unfairly robbed them of that chance to be seen. However I’ve realized that I can’t ever expect views to be consistent—and comparing is pointless. So why worry about it or feel inadequate? I mean it’s pretty common for funny cat videos to go viral, so who am I to question the system lol. “Popular” YouTube videos can range from a passion project which took 7+ artists…to a clip of Toad singing Chandelier or a nonsensical Vine sketch. Anything can happen when it’s the internet! And just-so-happened my video was chosen. I should stay glad about that and get rid of all the overanalyzing. So that’s what I’ve chosen to do :)

#OKAY SO SO SO actually started doodling this once the video was around 98k this morning #it wasn’t even meant to be art specifically designed to celebrate the milestone at first #I just wanted to draw the funky fella who makes me laugh #but as you can see that changed up fast jksjksp #I was under the impression that my video wouldn’t reach near 100k until December UH?? WHAT HAPPENED MY PREDICTION THWARTED??#seems I’ve severally underestimated how long the traction would continue for geez wow uh #people sure do enjoy comedy gotta love ‘em laughs and giggles #I CAN’T BELIEVE WE REACHED IT THO. THAT’S INSANE TO ME—ALL THE SUPPORT AND COMMENTS AND SUBS #thank you SMG4 fandom I would’ve never fathomed the algorithm to carry it so far like this #you wanna know the real kicker?#things would have gone so differently for the channel if I didn’t wrestle with my anxiety & post there #because there was a point during that day where I fullheartedly figured it would cause me to loose subs #I was kinda terrified ngl #this goes to show that you should never hold yourself back from sharing different aspects of your interests #you don’t need to confine yourself to just one thing #or to strive only to make the most high quality videos ever (I put that pressure on myself a bit too much nowadays)#sometimes it’s the simple ideas that manage to charm people #and those who see the effort will stick around to support you. You just need to trust yourself during the process and take that chance :)#EWWWW MUSHY GUSHY SENTIMENTALITY CLOGGING UP THE ATTENTION HERE #whatever happened to keeping the focus on ✨the star✨ who made it all possible to begin with huuuu??#show a bit more gratitude to the charming TV who boosted the viewership in the first place…don’t be so self absorbed with morals lonesome 😒#what is this some sort of My Little Pony episode oh pleaseeeeee 🙄#<- all of that was a simulation of Puzzles interjecting and nagging a bit lol. I’d imagine he’s tried of my nonstop nonsense #….yea the Puzzle brainrot is reaching maximum severities. So there’s high chance I’ll be animating him more down the line :3 #stick around to find out!!#hplonesome art

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pepperpixel · 3 months ago

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Art challenge: color a characters hair without making the parts that should be in shadow / shaded / darker than the rest of the hair a lighter color instead.

Difficulty level: IMPOSSIBLE

#idk. when I started doing this. but once I started I never stopped. I can’t stop #I cannot shade hair normally I CANNOT make the behind the neck under ear area a darker color I CANT #I USED TO BE ABLE TO BUT NOW I CANT #even acknowledging it as a thing I do I still.. can’t #it’s always gotta be lighter #there is always some mysterious bounce light or spotlight shining upwards on the character or thru there hair iDK #there is no physical sense behind it I think I just saw other ppl do it thought it looked pretty and started doing it myself #and. I still think it looks pretty ! but also! I think it’s probably holding me back!#like surely there is a time and a place for this pretty thing and maybe that time isn’t ALWAYS #at myself… ghghg my refusal to think hard about lighting is one of the things I get disappointed about w my art a bit #like… I can sit there like. wow.. almost all my pictures have nebulous unclear lighting. maybe I should work on that #and then I do not ever work on that #I used to do lighting pretty well when I was younger but know a days I typically dont…#le sigh. it’s whatever tho #either I’ll eventually buckle down and get out of my comfort zone and try doing good clear lighting that makes sense #or I won’t! I’m not a professional artist me not being the best lighting doesn’t actually matter lol #pepper words #I mean. I think sometimes I have managed to color hair with the underside shaded recently. but it rlly is not the norm for my art #typically it mostly only happens if the character has a light base hair color. if they have a darker base hair color.#9 times out of 10 that shit is getting under lighting / nebulous highlights from nowhere lol

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dyk3pup · 6 months ago

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them having u drink a decent amount of any drink .and 30 min later tickling u rlly hard to make u piss urself😭😣

#ever since she said this to me i have not stopped thinking abt it.#like idk that’s so fucking embarrassing😭😭😭😭😭😵‍💫#me if fantasizing abt pissing myself from being ticked too much bc the humiliation is so fucking hot #but also knowing in reality when it happens im gonna be genuinely so fucking embarrassed i’ll probably cry 😭😭😭#i’m fucking insane .#and being treated like a dumb pathetic puppy who can’t control themself 😭😭😵‍💫#‘cmon u srsly can’t hold it?’ saying full well aware that they’re tickling u silly on ur worst spots #‘ur mama’s dumb little puppy aren’t u? can’t stop urself from having an accident? do i have to train u?’😵‍💫😵‍💫😵‍💫😵‍💫😵‍💫😭😭😭#i’m crazy #depraved ass omo shit idk

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somedudewithantlers · 2 months ago

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ya girl Steve is not doing all that great in college work life

#tryna convince myself to do an essay rough draft by thinking how it could “”””impress””” a guy in my English class that i can’t tell if i’m #crushing on bc i’ve never been in feasible romantic situations (ie crushing on some1 not a fictional mythical entity) or if there’s just #serious mutual “we should b friends but oh god how do i actually talk to them” tension #either way there’s undoubtedly smthn here I just gotta get past aaaaaalllllllllllllllllllllllllll the social trauma from being ostracized #in middle school & having absolutely 0 consistent real friends in high school; i swear to that axolotl i am on constant Survival Mode at #school & it shows so badly #should’ve (ie an “excuse me” or “thank you”)#and typing this is EXTREMELY counterproductive rn I’ve been here for like 5 minutes #anyway i feel stupid for this because it feels like smthn i should’ve been doing in high school but thank the undiagnosed adhd for #annihilating my “high school experience” in favor of homework I could never complete and still can’t apparently #like for christ’s sake could i at least be doing good at schoolwork & creative projects if i can’t have a social life #or instead have a few friends to make it feel like there’s less pressure on the hw cuz there’s more important things in my life #literally screenshooting this rn to know to talk to my therapist abt it. doubt she’ll b able to help but might as well yeah #i don’t want it to be obvious how much self loathing & pity & general angst i’m holding when i talk to ppl but I’ve never ever been a good #emotions actor & never will tbh.#AND my minecraft house looks ugly. send post

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cliji · 1 year ago

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watching my cloti/zerith brethren throwing a feast every single day since ever crisis’ release but i’m here still dealing with the aftermath of cliji depression what the hell

#like i can go out to the other room for a while jlt but i legitimately can’t LMFAOOO #ec isn’t even available in my app store so uhh #maybe it was a blessing in disguise after all cause i really can’t hold myself back from wasting money on trivial things #and u guys xvi dlc + rebirth + me going to korea early 2024 r u fuckinh crazy…#clive rosfield #jill warrick #cloud strife #tifa lockhart #zack fair #aerith gainsborough #warfield #cliji #cloti #zerith #ffxvi #ever crisis #comp vii #善美的心聲。

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quietwingsinthesky · 10 months ago

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the amount of time i spend thinking about Even carrying the metacrisis doctor’s fob watch is really quite disproportionate to how much ive fleshed out that part of the story in my head

#i still find myself not caring if the metacrisis doctor couldnt use one. he can because i said so and because donna shouldn’t get amnesiaed #alone.#but anyway. even. its just something about like.#here is your best friend. the man who showed you how big the universe could be. its still him human or not. its still the doctor.#can’t call him that. have to watch your tongue always because no matter how familiar their faces are. these two people do not remember #everything you did together and never can. at least they still love each other. nothing could change that. that’s what matters. you steer #them into each other’s lives so carefully and watch to see if they’re going to get hurt. but they don’t. it’s okay.#and still. and still. you carry your best friend’s life. everything that he is. you can hold it in the palm of your hand. he gave it to you.#he entrusted it to you. well. that’s not entirely true. technically you volunteered. but how else could you say thank you.#you made your world so so small again. for him. larger than you would’ve been used to once but you know what galaxies feel like to fly #across. and now you’re stuck in time and space. this is for love too. this is for the life you hold in your hands.#or wear around your neck on a chain. and because you chose this. you can never see him again. or you see him every day and he doesn’t #recognize all of you.#that would make anyone desperate wouldn’t it? make you do something stupid. make you turn to someone you shouldn’t.#even makes bad choices when they are cornered. i think.#dw oc #the important bit is of course that the only way they can ever get rid of it is by their own choice. which they never would choose to do.#(because tentoo won’t take it back. he’s his own person. impressions of the doctor influencing him. but the part of him that is donna doing #so as well. a whole new person. who does not want her memories back and to be unmade.)#but the point is that the moment even takes it. they will never let it go. they will lose it. on painful occasion. but it always finds its #way back. depending on the context this presence and responsibility is either comforting in its constancy.#or. in a less kind world. a horrifying reminder of how far they have fallen from who they tried to be for him.

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trash-bin-ary · 2 months ago

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I can go on that ramble about the future and housing and aromanticism though now. It’s like man, the future is already something that is so inconceivable to me. To then have the sexuality that does not allow me to slot in the cookie cutter you find a romantic partner that you end up moving in with is terrible. And like In this economy I sure can’t live alone, and I know at least when I’m sick I desperately want someone to be there. And then there’s I’m likely to move around a bunch how do you deal with that housing, other than the work having paid housing. like constantly having to find somewhere that’s looking for roommates and it isn’t terrible? And then long term, when I find a job I stay at for a while (that’s remote so I’d love to live in a remote place) is it like I find a place to stay and then I’m stuck there forever and I just have to hope that I make good friends at this new place. (Friends that don’t want to live exclusively with a romantic partner no less.) I want to live with close friends so bad and I’m not sure if that’s a feasible thing for my future. I’m a person that has so much hope so I have to assume that yes it will work out, I do believe that. But man just hearing someone mention it, sparks that hope.

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demoniccrowz · 4 months ago

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CHAT I JUST WON AT SWIM SHARKS AND MINNOWS TWICE I AM LOSING MY MIND

@blue-the-gay-king

#Basically swim sharks and minnows is you can’t be tagged if your head isn’t above water #I am a GOD at it because I just GO UNDERWATER THE ENTIRE WAY AND HOLD MY BREATH #THERE WERE KIDS I DONT KNOW ASKING ME HOW I WAS DOING IT #Anyway in this version sharks were allowed to pull you above water #Otherwise I never would’ve gotten tagged EVER #Anyway again I got lucky because only one of my friends was there and she was busy targeting other people #And my coach [my FAVORITE coach] just didn’t target me for some reason #SO I WAS ONE OF TWO PEOPLE WHO WON THE FIRST TIME #Then I was a shark #THEN I was one of THREE people BUT MY COACH DECIDED TO PROTECT ME AND I LIVED FOR THREE MORE ROUNDS AND WAS ONE OF TWO PEOPLE WHO LIVED #Then my other coach [least favorite] said that with lungs like that I should be breathing every five strokes on my 100 free #Which isn’t how that works #Because the moment I breath my body realizes I need oxygen #So I just have to NOT BREATH AT ALL #Then gasp a lot when I finally get to the wall #ANYWAY IM VERY PROUD OF MYSELF

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faggotwalkwithme · 4 months ago

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qaughhhhxhdhbebrrh

#everything is bad rn.#just had to get out of car after road trip (i’m sitting in the back) which is always bad #bad*#there’s a huge sleeping bag that was next to me which had the worst fucking texture ever #and my mum was constantly brushing against i with her clothes which also have a bad texture and together they made the worst fucking sound #there’s a kid in front of me who has been annoying me all day #and she always drags her fingers along the roof of the car and the seats and the sleeping bag and i can’t stand it #anyway just as i was about to go out #i dropped my phone and o couldn’t get it out again it was stuck in the trunk of the car #so i had to get out without my phone which is fine i don’t need to use my phone all the time but i like to hold it #it makes me feel more comfortable holding like. idk that shape and weight and stuff IDK it’s weird #but yeah i had to wait until the bags all got unloaded to get my phone back but before i got it back i went to the bathroom #which i couldn’t find so my dad asked the staff of the hotel where one was but he called me his mf daughter #😁👍#then i went to the bathroom #cried #my mum came into the bathroom and i hate it when she does this and i knew she was going to and she did #she called out my deadname in the public bathroom and told #me she had my phone #and i was so fucking stressed o did not want to talk i still do not want to talk #so i was just like ok #and she was like Ok???? like i had killed her fucking parents or something #so i had to be like thank you while i was having a meltdown #cleaned myself up and now i’m in the room and it’s hot and i don’t like it but whatever #shut up mars #:(

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anotherdescentintomadness · 1 year ago

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Wang YiBo X GQ 2020: A Rainbow Sunflower Aesthetic

#This sunflower boy holding up a literal smiley face next to his flat affect is one of the best things I’ve ever see #Wang yibo #supermodel wang yibo #wang YiBo GQ #Yellow aesthetic #This photoshoot is so metaphorical I can’t #but like .. my ND self *really* relates to this whole vibe #Walking around unmasked carrying a smiley face 💀#I realized things about myself after this photo set #I once again have too much to say so I will say no more

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samuraisharkie · 2 years ago

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had an utter brain blast moment last night bc I was revisiting my troubling and deranged special interest in Ratchet and Clank and how Alister Azimuth fits all the categories of Sad Troubled Old Man that tumblr loves but the problem is that he’s a fictional furry creature which ruins everything but THEN I thought. I could make him some guy. My new pet project is to trick everyone into adopting a new Old Man by giving Alister Azimuth a human design and not telling anyone where he’s from until more than one person has been compelled by him. I will then force them to suffer my fate of knowing what he truly is and all the shame that comes with it

#ratchet and clank #to everyone seeing this bc they’re scrolling the ratchet and clank tag: reblog the version w alister’s dumb head #he’s a pathetic shitty old man and he’s been a brainworm to me ever since I saw him #but he’s a FICTIONAL SPACE ANIMAL. i will never forgive ratchet and clank for doing this to me.#his personality compels me but his appearance is so offputting and stupid aqbnrkqkf #proof that you can’t choose your special interest: I like ratchet and clank. if I had a choice I would not #everytime I think abt ratchet and clank I mentally become that image of someone running on all fours around a room #if I had that shitty little action figure of alister azimuth I don’t think I’d be able to restrain myself from destroying it #I’d be holding it one second and black out and just start throwing it against walls and smashing it against furniture #the only character I am unafraid to admit I enjoy is clank. the only motherfucker I respect

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dyk3pup · 6 months ago

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#depraved ass omo shit idk?#couldn’t stop thinking abt this fantasy tonight😵#needing to pee rlly bad. like getting super desperate looking up at her w pleading puppy eyes n everything #just to have her coo at me thru my whines and whimpers like ‘aww what’s wrong puppy?’ .making me specifically say it and ask for permission.#then after seeing how desperate i am just going w faux sympathy ‘mmm nooo i think u can hold it! be a good puppy and hold it for mama<3’#but obviously im abt to fucking explode😭😭😭so i just plead and desperately beg and she just laughs at me like ‘mm no. u can hold it baby’#but as i insist i can’t anymore she just coos at me like ‘oh u can’t? the puppy can’t help themselves?’😭😭😭��‍💫😵‍💫😵‍💫#THIS IS ALL SO FUCKING HUMILIATING LIKE I WOULD GENUINELY BE CRYINF FROM EMBARRASSMENT😭😭😭😭😭#and she just keeps telling me i can hold it. 😭😭till i piss myself with the most humiliated sounding whine ever #just for her to coo/aww at me w the stupidest condescending voice ever ‘aww really? u couldn’t help but make a mess of urself baby?’😵‍💫😭#then call me fucking pathetic for losing control so easily😂then also adding to the humiliation.#‘oh my god. are u getting off to this? u like making a fuckin mess of urself like the filthy bitch u are?’#😂😂😂😂😂😂😭😭😭😭😭😭😵‍💫#i’m fucking insane .#her <3 #bonus points if tickling is involved in any way!😂#being tickled till u piss urself💞🪽✨#being bullied💞🪽✨

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voiceshearingyouloud · 9 months ago

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Me when my life is trauma and mental illness all the way down but I am determined to make something good of it in the end

#I’m in such a weird spot right now because I can barely remember anything positive that’s ever happened in my life #every time I look back on any year I just see all the pain. and there has been lots of pain #and I know logically there was joy or happiness or something positive or I would’ve killed myself a long time ago #but I can’t remember it at all and my brain is trying to convince me I should kill myself now so I can escape the pain #if my life is just going to continue being pain #I know it’s not true. there’s been joy in my life before and there will be again but everything just hurts so bad #I don’t know how long I can keep going for #but even if I quit my job or drop out of school I’ll have to stay with my parents and that makes me want to kill myself more #in fact maybe that’s what’s making me so suicidal. staying with them now is not triggering my hypervigilance but it is making me flashback #to every trauma I’ve ever had much more often than usual #I’m not myself right now and I need to remember that there is a me to get back to #maybe I’ll go out tonight and remember I’m not destined be stuck in my parent’s house for the rest of my life #anne speaks #like. I realise that yeah I’ve had a great deal of pain in my life (I don’t mean to be navel gazing and also I have been super privileged in #a lot of ways but also ten mental illness and child abuse and ptsd three times over is a little excessive I think)#but there was joy before and there will be joy again! even if I’m exhausted I’m gonna hold on like I always have and one day I’ll be #glad I did #it sounds and feels trite but it’s happened before and it won’t be trite when it’s true #tw suicidality #tw suicide mention

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sororygilmore · 10 months ago

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i got so comfortable with him why did i let him in i should’ve figured

#i’m being dramatic he hasn’t said anything but all the things he hasn’t said say more than that #i miss him so bad it hurts i miss us i wish id left it as a crush #because it hurts so bad i’m so so so tired and i can’t believe he could just get bored of me so easily #i thought he cared like really cared and no guy has ever been that for me before #no guy has ever said the things he’s said no guy has ever looked at me with that pure adoration and i need him to keep doing that #i’m going to drive myself crazy looking at all our texts im going to cry so hard #and i can’t stop it #but i miss it #i miss it so bad #i miss him #i wish i was with him rn i wish he could hold me #i wish i was permanent i wish people didn’t care that im boring and horrible and #i hate feeling like this i hate not knowing what he feels #it feels just like october all over again #it feels like that party in june when he didn’t care if i was alive or dead #and how he forgot like i was that insignificant to him once #i don’t want that again #watercolour tag

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