#but ive thought about this for YEARS already so idk leave me alone

[saccharinecoffee]

Single albums and single releases are a pet peeve of mine bc unless you're a small indie artist, it just feels easy and like a cash grab, even if it isn't.

[nyancrimew]

fucked up sorta intoxicated long vent

cw: uuh mental health, drugs, suicide mentions, very much is just an existential crisis put into post form

this is not a suicide note or anything, im about to go cuddle up with my wife and go to sleep i just had to get my fucked up thoughts out, i might delete this tomorrow

meaning

it's so hard to find meaning in life anymore. i live for those around me, for those i love, those who love me back. yet i keep hurting them, everything keeps falling apart. i live out of spite, i cant let authority win. yet im slowly giving up my cause. i live to prove a point. ive long forgotten what point it even is anymore.

there hasnt really been any new compelling reason to keep going in over 10 years now. i honestly wonder how much it even really takes anymore to drive me to suicide. it can't be that much, im already always living on edge.

i just barely know who i even am anymore, ive largely forgotten the first 20 years of my life, and the last 3 are mostly just fog as well. forced to live in the moment, carrying all the baggage of all the previous moments i dont even have memories of anymore.

how are people just like able to keep living, regularly finding joy. how are people able to deal with bad times without immediately pondering all the ways in which they could kill themselves in?

god i need therapy so fucking bad. i keep dragging down everyone around me. how can i fix all the damage ive done, a sorry won't do. how can i fix all the damage done to me, no sorry will ever do.

why are the only options to just keep going, ignoring all the pain, or ending it all forever. where is the restart button, where can i reset, rewind, apply what ive learned to the situations where i fucked up. how do i go back and undo all the trauma. the trauma i experienced myself and the trauma i put on others.

we're all just lost children in a world not made for us. where is our world. where is the place in which we can find solace. your arms make me feel safe, and at home. but i know you feel the same way i do.

it pains me to know we're in this together, god if only i could bear your pain, if only i could bear everyone elses pain. it hurts me to know you feel this way too. no one should have to know how this feels. i wanna take on all the pain in this world so i can leave and turn the world around.

am i just failing at being a part of this society or is society failing me. i am like one bureaucratic fuck up away from dying alone on the street with no roof over my head. i cannot be self dependent, why does this society fully expect such a thing of me.

is this all worth it for the few moments of bliss, for sparing the people around me from the pain of losing me. would the pain of losing me be greater than the pain i cause every day?

i am lost. i dont know anymore. fuck i need therapy. or just anything that can fix me. the drugs certainly haven't yet, but at least i also have dependency to fight with now i guess.

yea fuck man idk

[tsenya]

brief overview of some movies ive watched and rewatched over the last few months.

first time viewings:

strange darling - i liked it ! i waited months to watch it and deliberately avoided reading reviews and watching trailers for it and im glad i did.

leave my girl alone - honestly one of the funnest movies ive watched in months. i already want to rewatch. the last 30-60 seconds are glorious.

vhs beyond - ok i was a LITTLE harsh in my review. ok i was entirely petty because [SPOILER] they put real life youtubers in the movie and i was so discombobulated like what are YOUTUBERS doing in my HORROR MOVIE! i also have gripes with the 'little green men' subgenre that mostly stem from the fact that my dad believes in aliens and like im gonna be so honest with you i have 1000000 other things on my mind i dont have time or room to think about whether aliens are real and if the US government is using their technology or whatever i do not care. unless theyre giving me free healthcare i do not want to hear about it.

SEGMENTS I LIKED: Stowaway, Fur Babies, and Dream Girl. (tw for body horror, gore, animal death, etc etc etc)

cuckoo - i wanted a little bit more from it but it was good! i liked hunter schaefer as the lead. i think dan stevens should pull a brad dourif and play scuzzy dudes the rest of his career hes good at it and always looks like hes having fun. i will not pretend to understand what was going on i'll prolly have to rewatch

longlegs - full disclaimer i probably set my expectations too high and it's entirely possible that this movie simply wasnt for me. i really wanted to like it and expected to but. i did not. theres more i could say but i think i said enough. i'll try rewatching next year and see how i feel about it.

dracula 3000 - im not bringing this movie up because it's good, it was horrible, i just want to say that it's been 20 years can someone please make a movie about a vampire in space that's GOOD i know someone out there can do it PLEASE

rewatches:

pandorum - i couldnt tell you if this was a good movie or not i really couldnt i cannot objectively assess movies i watched when i was younger very well. all i can tell you is that i really really really liked the sci-fi/horror fusion. also the creature design still holds up i need to know who did it bec it looks better than some of the stuff out today

lake mungo - found footage horror movie OF ALL TIME

sunshine - im in love w this movie i love everything about it. also something i thought about was that it was weird watching chr*s ev*ns in something not marvel is was actually refreshing for once. we need to get cillian murphy into horror/suspenseful sci fi PLEASE.

the slumber party massacre - idk what to say other than 1) idc what i thought when i first watched it i was WRONG i love this movie so much and i do recommend all the reviews i liked if u want to know some of my thoughts/stuff i agree w 2) valerie bates is currently no. 1 girl in horror for me. as u could probably tell from my icon. and header. and sidebar image. and blog page. and

[hoesaria]

IV. Exposed?!

You put your phone down and start packing as quickly as humanly possible.

“Why are you in such a rush? They'll be seats empty even if we arrive late to the cafe” Alhaitham sighs next to you. You wanted to smack the apathetic expression he had on his face off.

Containing yourself you reply, “Well, it wouldn't hurt to start early and end our session early. Now pack your bag quickly before I go ahead without you”

Just as you were about to drag Alhaitham out of class you heard a sly voice call out to you.

“I was hoping to catch you before you left class my dear [Name]"

You turn to look at your literary professor Yae Miko, who also happened to me Scaramouche's step mother.

"Miss Yae, its good to see you haha" You awkwardly say, "Did you want to talk about something?"

The pink haired woman eyes you and Alhaitham who still had the same apathetic expression on his face. If you hadn't blinked, you would have seen a little smirk on her face that had vanished as soon as it came.

"I'm sure you know Kunikuzushi, and you never gave me a proper answer about dating him. So what do you say?" She said, a smile on her face that anyone would have described as gentle, but you thought it was the stuff of nightmares.

Panic stricken you blurted out the first excuse that came up in your mind, "I already have a boyfriend! Actually right after I posted that he came up to me and asked me out haha"

"Oh?" replied, her eyebrows raised but a smile still playing on her lips. "Who is it?"

You racked your brain for anyone that would be the perfect example and remembered the man besides you, he could help you out for a few seconds right?

"Its Alhaitham!" You said as you dragged him in the front, intertwining both your hands together. You silently side eyed him with a pleading look. Sighing, he let go of your hand and you felt your heart drop, yeah you were about to lose your professors trust and your extra credit for the next 2 years, but then he wrapped his arm around your shoulder.

"I didn't want it to be public lest it creates trouble for my dear Y/N" Alhaitham said. You thanked all the archons above, you would drop to your feet and pray but there was still an audience in the class.

"Oh that's wonderful! I'm sure your aunt will be thrilled to know" Professor Yae exclaimed and you felt Alhaitham stiffen up at the mention of his Aunt. Did you just create family troubles for him? "Well I'll leave you two love birds alone then, I can see you were planning on going somewhere together haha, have fun~"

After you leave the class and are far away from prying ears you drop to the nearest campus bench you can find.

"Did I perform well?" Alhaitham said, dropping down next to you. Both of you hadn't said a word after leaving the class.

"I'm really sorry about that, I'll make it up to you, I swear!" You explained. "But what was that about your Aunt? Are you going to get into trouble for dating?"

Alhaitham chuckled, "No it's nothing like that. My Aunt is just very interested in my personal life, she'll be adamant on meeting you if it gets out, which it probably will because her and the professor are friends."

"How do you feel about fake dating? I can meet your aunt and get her off your back for a while, and you can help till this thing with Miss yae blows over" you say out loud.

"Hmm, sounds like a deal I suppose"

╰┈➤ ❝[A/N] ~ Scara doesn't seem to be on the bandwagon oops- ~ Alhaithams aunt, i wonder who it is hehe ~Do you guys think I should open up asks for like headcannons and stuff? i like writing a lot but idk

Taglist (the ones i cant tag are crossed out)

@makimakimi @im-bili @nambii @hydration-is-for-weenies @baelloraa @aixaingela @istgnature @ceylestia @itonashi @cafezjjn @letthestarscollide @artemfication @virginsl4yer @sammybeefangirls @yrklysxoxo @prefesro @hakunonn @duhsies @hypernovaxx @mellowknightcolorfarm @aeongiies @richxelle @greenfurret @starryeyedkoko

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[narzissenkreuz-ordo]

i guess i need some. advice? encouragement? about some stuff thats been happening recently so suicide/violence cw under the cut

i won't go into detail but i had. a very huge emotional/physical/mental breakdown today. where i was just. basically screaming and howling about how suicidal ive been lately. I haven't said anything out loud/via text on the internet abt it because i know saying i want to kms so often is bad for my own well being and ultimately makes other uncomfortable as well

so yeah i've just been. holding all that in. i knew the thoughts were coming in and out the past few months but was just shrugging it off as just being stressed abt the nightmare year i had. but i really was just. lying to myself and others because i didnt want to worry anyone/didn't want to admit how horrible i was doing after a couple years of good progress. but as it stands things are heading into a really bad direction for me rn. its not normal to go to sleep suicidal and immediately be suicidal upon waking up.

I don't really know what i can really do harm reduction wise. i'm unable to have regular visits with a psychiatrist/therapist bc of availability issues + i tend to just. lie. because its easier to say im fine than it is to advocate for myself and get actual help. and even then medication will not save me and coping skills can only go so far if im so deep in it im unable to take care of myself/feed myself/clean myself/eat/etc so none of it is effective enough in the moment. i know it CAN be effective and some of the skills ive learned can help during situational issues but this is really deep rooted improperly treated mental illness and i need a stronger foundation to be able to use any of the skills

i use a means of self isolation to punish myself, because i'm so upset with myself for not being able to pick myself up on my own. people can say im not a burden over and over but theres always gonna be a catch in the end. i freak out because what if this is one of my last meltdowns before they decide enoughs enough and i just get abandoned. again.

I feel like maybe being so Online is making things worse?? but i don't know??? my concentration is completely gone even when trying to use dnd/closing discord completely and im just constantly refreshing social media every 10 seconds and just stew in the bad feelings.

I don't know if just. leaving the internet cold turkey for a bit would do more harm than good.....i dont want to be alone and caught up in my thoughts. but i have a hard time doing things in 'moderation' and don't know how to even begin to roll back my internet/screen time usage

fandom is fun and great. but i dont think i should be using video games as pure escapism or playing them 24/7. im already getting bored and unenthusiastic about the things i like because its ALL i do.... I want to have at least SOME time away from screens. i hate having the impulse the check social media or refresh even 30 seconds (im even doing it NOW) but i just dont know where to begin in cultivating non-screentime hobbies and have the ability to focus on things more long term without having than doing 1000 things all at once to keep myself busy. i play video games muted most of the time, have a yt video playing, sometimes i'll stop mid video game and pull out my ipad while still having the games open, and im always on discord

there's books i still want to read, i eventually want to pick up sewing again. im considering getting a craft set for making those beaded bracelets (my brother gets them from concerts all the time and thinks it would be fun to make them too) but that all requires money

and i just. idk where im going with this rn but. any advice or suggestions or just. words of encouragement would be. really nice rn

[marcandreyuri]

ok gonna write a sequel to the end goal maybe this weekend? or start it this week depending on how life sways me.

my basic thoughts rn are like:

like 4 years after the first fic.

mario calls sid (in the off season?? maybe? bc i sort of want to fit in a nate cameo and idk how unless i make it late july/early august) to tell him like, the nhl wants them to participate in the prospect program again with the two of them. sid appropriately skeeved out and also

sid pissed as fuck bc omegas dont have to do the program twice. alphas sometimes do but omegas dont. he already gave up one season. mario says its just because hes so talented etc etc. maybe kind of imply something here about prejudice against omegas, none of them have been good enough, etc??

sid immediately calls geno in miami where he chills in the off season and asks him to come bond with sid bc bonded players are exempt. geno agrees to bond with sid and that he should be rutting sometime soon so he'll come to nova scotia and chill until he does.

sid, being the overachiever that he is, does all this research into how to make The Best Bond Ever and to do that they have to sync up their heat and rut

geno arrives a few days out from his rut and they spend some time doing everything the book says to induce sid's heat like scent each other constantly, the alpha hand feeding the omega, delayed/denied orgasms for sid, etc et.

geno's rut hits and sidney is still like We Can Make This Happen So We Can Have The Best Bond Ever and puts himself in charge of the sex stuff from the book for the first two days of geno's rut

on day three, sid's heat hits and they bond and their little family lives happily ever after and mario doesnt get to have sid hooray

this little universe wouldn't really leave me alone and ive been ruminating on this idea for a while but the final pieces just sort of came together recently. excited to start writing :)))))

[breadsandwiches]

Wanted to share my tdp playlists bc i honestly like how they turned out! 💃

Some of these were recommended by dragonprinceofficial! (a, c, v, s)

(Very in depth and thought provoking comments about my fave songs under the cut >>>)

AARAVOS

Time, Stars, Universe Pretty ethereal star god vibes

Play with Fire Whatever his beef with the Sunfire peeps, im enjoying it and am glad he is too. slay queen (literally)

Dishonored 2 Main Theme creepy ominous spider-spinning-its-web vibes ok?

Inside the Cage Listen to sexy mental breakdown song.

In the Palace ~ Agitato Creepy fucked up butterfly beast. For context watch HxH, its fun!!! 😀 (< dead inside) Also soundtrack for Aaravos losing his mind in prison and making his puppets dance till their feet bleed! 😍

Adore Adore The story can change at the roll of a dice babeyy 😎 no fr the lyrics are fire

Throne Wrath and violence on planat earth

Nosk Spider-pulling-in-its-prey vibes. Callum wyd 👁👁

Dark Matter The drama.. the vibes.. "bring me your soul bring me your ~HATE~" *insert elmo fire gif*

Black Train/End Credits ~piano~ Also death etc. etc. idek. damn should this be on viren or claudia's playlist instead? 🤔

CLAUDIA

Restless Year I always imagine her dancing or playing the bass to this. Also this song was literally written about her /lie

W.I.T.C.H. We all know this would be on her playlist in a modern au.

My Zero It's fine, she's just gradually losing grip of her family and also herself, she's losing her beginnings 😀👍 ok

Selfless "You're mucking off, but I will live for you, my selfless love". Screaming crying throwing up etc.

Fireflies Nothing to say here except that it's perfect.

A Victory of Love Objectively a bop. Songs that make me Ascend™

Galaxies Honestly im just rlly invested in the modern au where she's a bassist in a cool band and this is one of the songs theyd be playing. but also the lyrics kinda fit

Spanish Sahara She can have a little vengeance as a treat. Also trauma <3

Young and Tragic sad :( baby magefam feels :((

VIREN

The Unquiet Grave he's a corpse 👍

Werewolf Heart Thinking about Harrow, thinking about Lissa maybe. also those wolves and screams?? sir... 🧍‍♂️ Also sexy bass. what more do you want.

Mohammed Most sexy guitar ive ever heard ever im not joking. leave me alone

LA PAURA DEL BUIO lyrics fit pretty well. also this playlist has a criminal lack of angry rock songs

Fight Like Gods Lyrics and such

Way down We Go idk how to describe it without saying the word sexy again :/

The Sun Pretty 😳

Sleep Oughg (< relates a bit too much)

Ashes to Ashes idk man, its just pretty. like Viren <3 <3 <3

Into Dust damn ok tdpo

SOREN

Beautiful Day idk this just has Soren all over to me. the early sunrise wake up feeling, the hopeful optimism idk man

Uptown Funk Originally wasn't putting this in but it is Sooo S1-2 Soren. Also this

Back Against The Wall A+ rec from tdpo

Ode To The Mets I am so normal about this song so normal i listen to it a regular amount haha *insert one of those feral stick figures with blood all over*

Run Magefam feels 💃

Edge of Darkness Next on Songs that make me Ascend™. "I've got love in my heart for an army apart" :(

Fill Your Heart This is one of my fave songs ever its so joyful i love it and I love Soren

Obstacles This song is already Not Ok on its own, but combined with the Soren-Claudia feels it's an atrocity 👍 Songs for floating away on a river never to return

What's Up Ya boy might not always be the brightest but he's definitely the more emotionally intelligent one also i love him so much hhskvhvhhvhvhbv

[anne-phibia-fan]

Do you draw or write

Hai! Yes, I do draw! I've been drawing, or at least learning how to, draw for over 8 years. I have learned the basics of drawing humans within 2 years.

Idk if you'd be interested in what pushed me to draw humans, but just in case, I'll tell anyway (just to let you know, i might be inaccurate one dome of the more specific details because my memory is really bad). For my drawing class around one or two years ago (2022, im pretty sure), in my junior year of high school, my teacher had to leave because of health issues. We ended up having a sub that was.... interesting, to say the least.

I don't think he really knew much about art or drawing, and he ended up finding drawing books for us. He was one of those subs older who didn't like us using our phones and what-not. Anyway, to make this shorter than it already is because I can't explain things properly, we ended up using those books to do gesture drawings. My drawing teacher ended up being gone for about 2 months, I think, smth around there. Everyone in that class got bored and sick of it as hell, and just ended up using their phones anyway. Last thing I remember about that sub was that he, for some reason, was on my teachers computer doing who knows what, and I never saw him again. I think my poor teacher had to get a whole new computer so uhhh- 🤨

Oh yea and he also somehow bent a ruler really badly???

But yea then I ended up forcing myself to learn how to draw humans because I sucked at gesture drawings and didn't understand shit of them.

Besides humans, I've mainly just been drawing animals and ponies, and that stuff so ye. I am still trying to learn how to draw, basically ive just been trying to learn how to just get the basis of anatomy and trying to find my art style and stuff. As for writing, I really struggle with it, and I don't really see it as fun to me that much. I don't know how to put my thoughts onto paper, yet alone how to just even get it out of my mouth in convos without just being weird and making things awkward. I still have to use organizers to organize my thoughts whenever I have to write.

Sorry if this answer dissatisfies you in any way and its too long. I'm at a time in my life right now where I'm just really overwhelmed, and I don't know what I'm doing with myself anymore.

[sixthwater]

Hello again! Welcome to another chapter of poptarot with sixthwater~! This one is going to be more general and I have a feeling it's a bit further out but we shall see!

Chapter Three: Will we get another star who's a household name?

Deck's Used: After Tarot

Cards: II of Wands Rx, King of Cups, The Emperor Rx, The Hierophant Rx

Yes?? Sort of. The feeling is reminiscent of Robert Patterson after Twilight, that's why I'm a little...lol. Also Drama Queen by Lindsay Queen started playing so I think this person will go down a path trying to prove something to themselves or others (or it's like a dumb bet) and it accidentally blows up? Which is not what they wanted, which throws to acting like Mr. Robert, but it's not authentic (some of it is some of it isn't), I hope that makes sense, but let me keep pulling lol.

Ace of Wands Rx, III of Pentacles Rx, IV of Pentacles, King of Pentacles

lmao okay. I already have my answer but I pulled an extra four anyway so they're on the side right now we'll get to them. This person does not want to be here but they'll be in high demand. I don't think they'll hate their career, but they don't like what comes with it, which is valid. However Shaman King's opening came on and so did Calendar by PaTD. For those unfamiliar with Shaman King, here's a rundown of the main character:

"as a slacker by nature, Yoh maintains a carefree, laid back attitude about everything, even while achieving his goal of becoming Shaman King…generally seen as lazy and uncaring about most things, Yoh holds wisdom well beyond his age as he thinks outside common norms and principles, with many people being unable to read his flexible and unique nature. While his comments and general demeanor give an impression of irresponsibility and lack of commitment, which has often infuriated others…despite not looking like it, Yoh acts seriously in most all instances, but always tries to keep true to himself"

This is what they feel like. 100%. Calendar talks about wanting to leave because it's harming you/it's bad for you but something always drags them back, and I believe it's either participating in things that's created by those they care about or just for contracts that were already established before they dipped. In the four of pentacles there's a reaper coming for the guy and he looks anxious so it feels like someone trying to just rest easy after their gains but their manager is coming in with another deal or project, only because it's right next to the King. Besides that there's a lot of solitude present; so it's like they will be a household name yes, but their heart is not necessarily in it, this isn't what they signed up for, and after a while they want to leave, they don't gel with all the accessories here and they don't want to mingle -- not because they're a bad person if anything the energy surrounding this seems quite nice. Like I see people goofing off in an auditorium to place an imagery to this. Okay last four cards

VII of Swords Rx, Queen of Cups, IV of Cups, King of Swords Rx

You're fucking lying lmao. I want you to keep in mind that II of Wands Rx, Ace of Wands Rx, and VII of Swords Rx are all on top of each other. Mmmmm. Had a random thought but this could be a person who wants to go back to leading a normal life after this so they try to leave but they can't (aka want to have a family and not have to balance all this since it wasn't a goal anyway but--). Idk like...Like I mentioned earlier, Robert Pattinson twilight interview energy + this sad story

“I had a stalker while filming a movie in Spain last year,” Pattinson revealed in 2009. “She stood outside my apartment every day for weeks – all day every day. I was so bored and lonely that I went out and had dinner with her. I just complained about everything in my life and she never came back. People get bored of me in, like, two minutes.”

but they also come off as an awkward Aubrey Plaza?? Like they want to be left alone. In the seven of swords the guy is sneaking off but there's a rope under his foot so it's like they can never get away but it feels like after a certain point they just become obnoxious and pull out asshole king of swords energy. Cause the four of cups is pouring water out while the cloud has turned it's back. It kind of feels like them leaning into (excuse me) Shia LaBeouf's energy, or acting out like Miley did right after Disney to gain her name back, but this is to gain independence and solitude again. This entire reading has been a lot of "Yes But--" cards lol. So it's like, we will have a household name at some point, but it might be short lived? Or they will be liked for a little bit before people will go down a rabbit hole of "What Happened To ______" because they start acting up and then disappear. Considering the examples I just kept pulling, I have to assume this will be within the acting industry, but eh let's pull some cards anyway to see what they'll be famous for maybe it'll be a writer somehow

Q: What industry will this person belong to?

Cards: Waning Crescent Moon, First House, Twelfth House, Sun, Uranus, Vesta

??????? Oh?! I can point out the modeling industry as a possibility, that's one thing...there's.

Either this person multi-tasks / is a 'jack of all trades', or they'll be known primarily for two things? Because vesta can stand for doing something that soothes you or makes you happy, but if this is representing their industry it'd have to be a type of healing industry. Then we have Uranus + Twelfth. That kind of points to spirituality or astrology if we're combining it. But then on the complete opposite we have First + Sun, which shoots towards modeling or putting your best food forward, not diving deep into your emotions or standing out awkwardly like the other two would. Then Waning Crescent stands for an ending time period? This could somewhat point to someone inventing a whole new niche, and that's why they're known + not coping with it well/not expecting any of this. That would sum up being a pioneer that's known for something fresh and unique, laying something to rest and entering a new phase and it might be in an area that gives them joy.

So in that case: not necessarily a household name but very in demand, high praise. If it is a household name, I'd have to go with possibly modeling or a high maybe on possibly sports????? high maybe.

[figula]

ok so: another friend drama recap post

i've known this woman, we'll call her Claire, since i was 17 + she was about 25. the other members of the group are ana: (2y older than me) and our parisian friend who we'll call Dora (I wanna say like 1y older than me). anyway suffice to say we've all been friends for over 10y, not just online but irl as well. (WE MET ON LIVEJOURNAL! yes even ana and i met on livejournal) ages not really important other than to make it even more baffling lol

anyway claire has been v weird and unstable for a few years now, i want to be charitable and say it is potentially a reaction to the collective trauma of covid (and also she's had a HORRIFIC few years personally - a lot of death) but i don't know how to deal w/ her at all anymore like i know she's struggling a lot but like i cannot deal with it, it's just maddening

all she really does is infodump about her current fandoms that NOBODY ELSE IN THE GROUP HAS ANY INTEREST IN WHATSOEVER interspersed with these wildly disturbing one-off sentences like "oh i think my wife lost the baby" like. (she hadn't btw) the emotional whiplash from going from her angrily screenshotting comments on her fanfiction that she agree with to talking about the horrific shit going on in her life just makes it so difficult to talk to her + also i cannot pretend to give a shit about k-dramas ive never seen like... i literally just cant lol. so i tend to just ignore the group chat + leave ana + dora to deal with it. (ana mildly resents me for this but my position is they dont have to deal w/ it either and social consequences for being totally unbearable is not the worst thing)

anyway so i think i mentioned this before but a few weeks ago she mentioned taking herself (chronically ill) + her pregnant wife to paris at the beginning of december. on public transport. like i know no one gives a shit about covid anymore but long-term disability from it is really a gamble for the healthiest of people let alone people w/ her problems. they've both also had it before + negative outcomes do seem to stack the more infections you have

she brought this up, i could not stop myself from politely saying i thought this was a dreadful idea, ana backed me up and i also got a DM from dora thanking me for saying something (dora had previously told her not to come but didn't feel comfortable having th esame conversation a second time)

SHE HAS NOT SPOKEN TO US SINCE. she's privately started DMing all her hyperfixation bullshit to dora instead of the group chat + dora is like idk wtf to do with this either lol. like she's literally just totally stopped talking to me and ana AT ALL bc we politely told her we were worried for her health if she went to a huge city in the middle of winter LMAOOO like i know age / emotional maturity don't go together but like can you fucking believe she's nearly 40 + this was enough to apparently tank a 10y+ friendship???

if i wasn't already pretty much done w/ the friendship id be v hurt + offended that being like "hey we'd rather you didn't put yourself at risk here" was apparently evil enough to just totally cut off

[dandelion-eyelashes-sf]

Yeah but you cant use the “you owe ppl shit” when you have unspoken expectations that i never agreed to tf

Like this sucks, when ppl want something of you / from you that you already said and showed you cant give them

Like why tf were we friends then- if u wanted more?????? Just fuckin leave me alone

I still dont think you’re entitled, even tho my friends do

I think youre hurt and sad and angry and think that you are right/correct

Half a year may be long to you but its not to me

And also, we werent besties like that, where i would share deeply about my internal gpings on. You noticed and didnt think: hm, if its not reciprocated, then that means it wont be reciprocated. Instead you kept on probing. Like wtf u think u were gonna find??

I want to be rid of this anger and frustration— literally taking up so much mental space and energy

And it was all so unexpected cuz i thought we were good, i thought we were friends, i thought we were casual

I trusted you to be truthful about that and now youre hurt cuz u lied?

Even if i did think you were entitled, why would that be so bad?

It seems like ur un-happy and unsatisfied with anything i gave, so why tf were u here, then???

I accepted you as the person you are and i tried to accommodate your communication style

But you dont give me the same understanding when i goof and dont answer an invitation, like youre not my only friend and youre not my priority?????????? When did i say you were? When did i show you in my actions that you were????????

It was lopsided cuz you were more available, but when did i agree to be the same level of available? It was lopsided cuz i worked to understand you and accept, and you didnt.

What the fuck did u even like about me if all you wanted was me to do more, give more, reciprocate the ways you were showing attention?????

And then you say you got co-dependent tendencies. Like bro work on that shit and dont make it my problem.

Ive been tryna be compassionate and not dismiss your feeling but when i express mine you get all mad and hurt????

Just not the same and i dont wanna be friends no more. Idk if ur gonna wantto anyway. Which if u dont, then good- it saves us an awkward conversation where u want a friendship and i dont.

God cant do nothin w scorpios tf lol

Ok i think im good i think im ready to release this shit cuz its FUCKING RIDICULOUS

Fuccccck lol how did i end up here? Blind-sighted by this bullshit.

Anyway anyway i release it all (it may come back but itll be less and less each time)

Im frustrated and thats ok cuz it dont make sense

Im angry cuz I ACTUALLY WAS CONSISTENTLY SHOWING WHO AND HOW I AM AND WHAT I WANTED and she ignored that shit

I angry and hurt cuz i thought i had a friend but turns out she wanted more from me

And aint that typical - how do i avoid this situation in the future?

Im sad cuz it was fun while it lasted but not so sad to miss it or want it back

But as i reflect on my other friends who love me and know me and accept me and remind who i am and remind me im loved as i am, i realize that this friendship was never gonna end up at that level

Not with her pining for something that would never come, not with her ignoring my words about being casual, not her ignoring what tf i show her when i wasnt as available as her in any sense off the word, not with her tryna get me to open up and then asking if she makes me anxious and how can she make me more comfortable? Girl pls wake up to reality

The friends I instantly clicked with and the friends who grew into what we are , both types of friendships were borne out of mutual understanding and acceptance of who we are. Safety came from experience and time and showing up for each other/ letting each other in. Idk , you cant force that.

Anyway, this situation sucks but ive made up my mind that im outtie and im not gonna engage with anymore nonsense.

[consistent-self-destruction]

oh wow, the last time i posted was basically exactly a year ago lol.

well both a lot and nothing's changed much, i'm back to b emo again so that alone should say enough without saying anything

if anything things have gotten WORSE lmfao, i'm literally not supposed to be here right now but unfortunately the attempt fucking failed

nobody tells you how embarrassing that is - how did you fail at everything INCLUDING trying to kill yourself LMFAO, LIKE DAMN YOU REALLY CANT WIN

okay im being silly to cope but idk. when i got in touch with my counselor after it happened, she asked how much i wanted to be alive here on a scale from 1-10, with 10 being i literally wanna die right now in this instant, and 1 being miraculous healing and lifetime peace. the first day after i told her 8.5. three days later i said 3. it's a few weeks later now, and ive realized that my answer to the question has been sliding up and down everyday.

this is not even what i wanna talk about, i don't know how i ended up talking about that lol. anyway actually wait ANOTHER sb but artists im obsessed with rn: ka$hdami and 6arelyhuman okay moving on now ummm im trying so hard to be a 1 on that scale and maintain optimism and hope but like things keep going wrong and everything keeps irritating me and i genuinely feel like shit and i dont want to feel like shit because freaking 2014 just started, the year just started but unfortunately i am not optimistic about this year at all - i can't predict what will happen or how it will go or feel, everything is uncertain and im tired of being so unsure and incapable and it makes me want to leave earth because it's all just so tiring and now im just rambling hhhhh

to gather my thoughts coherently.. im bleeding out my fucking gooch. my charger is broken and wont charge my phone unless it's at an angle. my back camera is broken, my phone's been having storage issues, i don't feel pretty these days, i don't know what to do with my hair, it's freaking cold as hell in my house, i've got a sore throat, the only bathroom in the house with a bathtub has cold water so i can't take any soothing baths which is one of the best parts of being home, my sleep schedule is entirely in reverse, and i just feel so energetically exhausted. the house is a mess and my room is cluttered and my mom wants me to take down the christmas decorations, and i WANT to because cleaning makes me feel productive but i just don't have the stamina or ENERGY, like i feel physically sick and unwell and irritated and run down and incapable and i hate it so much, why is 2024 already off to the worst. and that's just in the present tense. in the future tense, like i said i am not optimistic about this year at all. i anticipate it being a really really difficult year and it makes me wanna cry because i don't wanna do it but i know i need to. you know how they say you have to get through the storm to see the other side? or some shit like that idfk, i dont wanna go through the storm! im so tired of the rain im so tired of being cold im so tired of goosebumps and anxiety and uncertainty and all of it !!!!!!! i've been trying to find my way through a storm for YEARS and it has not let up ONCE. i want to stop but i tried doing that and the universe just took me off pause and made me keep going, why couldn't they just let me join the stars. it would've been so much easier.

instead i have to stay here and try my best to heal and recover and work around my issues but i just can't imagine it, i can't imagine getting better i just don't see it. i can daydream about a version of myself that's better and stronger all i want, but i know in my heart that she'll never exist because i've been trying to be her for years and i just can't get there. i keep falling short. i keep failing. i keep taking L after L after L and im just. so. tired. i don't want to try anymore.

it's not always like this. sometimes there will be something that motivates me and makes me feel inspired to live again. but it always passes by and i come back to these feelings and this state. i keep falling back into this hole and it's such an exhausting up and down and back and forth.

the reason im here being emo again is i just feel like i can't talk to anyone about this. usually when i come back to this freaking blog that's the case. i always come back here when i have feelings that i need to release but i dont feel comfortable sharing with anyone. i don't wanna say anything on my spam because i don't want anyone to see all this negativity and darkness in me, and i don't want my close friends and innocent people to be randomly laden with this kind of depressing energy just as the year FRESH started and they're only casually scrolling their feed. you know what i mean? i hate scrolling my feed and seeing depressing shit. i don't wanna do that to my friends. i want peace and good vibes and good energy and a clean refreshing start to the year for them. i want them to be happy. i dont wanna post on my spam something that will gut their heart out, bring their mood down, and make them see me different. and it's the same with my best friend. not so much the last part cause they already know all these sides of me. and that is really relieving. but the only reason why i hold back from telling them this right now is because of the first reason - the year just started. they don't need this energy. we've already been having realtalks that are depressing enough. they dont need me calling them and texting them every time i feel depressed and manic and lost - that would be so shitty and i hate people who do that. it's energy stealing and self-centered. and for obvious reasons i don't talk to my family about these things. so i am left with this silly little blog, my beautiful void. oh how i love speaking into the void. it gives the illusion of speaking to someone without actually speaking to anyone. it's a perfect release.

but yeah idk, long story short im on my period, im sick with a sore throat, freezing in my house, feeling ugly and tired and incapable and irritated, with an inability to find optimism for the future and worst of all NO HOES! <;/3333

dude.. no because my love life is an entirely different type of pain. it's so... dude.

in the very least, i should be starting long-term therapy this year. that's the plan at least. my counselor gave me some recommendations, offices to call, and i have my dad's support. i'm gonna call in the numbers either tomorrow or thursday. i say this as "in the least" because even though i know it's supposed to be helpful, im not too optimistic about it. i don't like how many times i've used that word smfh. but im not - i don't really look forward to opening up about my 5 billion issues to a complete stranger. i have a hard enough time with the idea of how people perceive me. when i first started having sessions with my counselor, it really did not help because i didn't open up to her in the way i was supposed to. i told her surface level shit and sugar coated things instead of telling her the important things. im worried im only going to do that again. i don't like people seeing the worst of me - even when im PAYING them to see that side of me and when i NEED to show that side of me in order to FIX it. rahhhhhh. i also don't really look forward to it because i just see it as something large and overwhelming and unsolvable. my mental health that is. i don't look forward to tackling it in therapy. for only once a week? with that rate it's gonna take YEARS for me to figure myself out. and not only do i not have that kind of time, but it sounds so frustrating - slow agonizing progress, if any progress is made at all. im in such a pessimistic mood right now and i'm really not always like this - but this is also just the logical side of my brain. i just don't see it working out. i want it to. i want it to work badly - that's why we're going to try it. but i still am not optimistic about what the outcome will be and i am more daunted by the emotional and mental energy it will take out of me. i am second guessing if i should do school at the same time as therapy. i don't think any of this will go well. i only see myself getting consumed by things all over again - losing energy and motivation and time and getting depressed when everything goes wrong again. i think i might just also be scared by the process of healing. healing itself is not scary - but the process is terrifying. i don't trust it. i don't know if it will work. every time i thought i was healing i was just spiraling into a new unknown. the process of healing sounds so energetically draining, it sounds so deceptive, it sounds so emotionally torturing, it sounds fake, and it sounds incredibly time consuming and i already am NOT in time's favor. so i guess that's why i am not optimistic about this year - because i already know what the theme is. i already know what my focus is. this year for me, is all about healing and learning myself better. learning how to overcome my worst habits, my worst thoughts and emotions, and navigate situations that trigger them. this year is intended to be the year i start therapy. the year i put my mental health in the spotlight after years of trying to navigate it and figure it out on my own. i know the fact that im going to have professional support and guidance is supposed to be encouraging, but im so focused on the fact that there is so MUCH i need support and guidance with - and i need to tackle all of it once a week.. while in school... engaging with the very environment that deeply triggers me as i try not to be triggered, figure out ways around being triggered, SUCCEED at not getting triggered so i can therefore succeed in my academic environment, AND also figure out ways to make money on my own on the side. and that's not even going into deeper detail. idk, i just have so many needs to meet, and a billion things on my mind - obligations, responsibilities, needs, and they're all scrambled up in this big black scribble in my brain that's so thick i can hardly see through to the other side. and i don't like that blockage. i don't like that lack of foresight and clarity. i don't like the uncertainty. it makes me nervous and hesitant and resistant. i want to resist this year and this life so badly.

but all in all im just so tired. as always. it never goes away. the rage and frustration and exhaustion it just never goes away and i just really want a long long hug and a nice backrub.

please.

- 1.3.24 | 1:05 AM -

[pikawarrior]

Welp welcome back to my random rambles im just gonna talk bout alot of random stuff mainly my stories so here for go lets hope this is understandable

Story/maybe comic stuff

Turning of the orange | The Strawberry Patch - Old soon to be remade/written stop motion strawberry shortcake zombie movie me and my dad were making when i was in elementary schoolish. We unfortunately didnt make it that far since he had to leave often and for long times cuz work, but recently i found my old tablet with all the pics and my notes so rework time baby. Im about to use all my years of angst/horror writing to fuck these bitches up even more

The Butterfly Effect and It's Consequences | The Phoenix Effect -

The Butterfly Effect is my main rottmnt fanfic series. About my little rottmnt oc's (Ame) life and how the gang adopting them into the family changed everything mostly for the better but the bad things kinda got alot worse. Idk been focusing on the phoenix effect more

The Phoenix Effect is kinda an extension of that. Its basically the same thing but adds the cass apocalypse series into it. Basically how future Ame being there also changes things and how oopies mystics powers are hard to control after being half dead in stasis for about 12 years hope Ame does trys to leave to protect everyone from himself only to get kidnapped putting everyone in worse danger also oopies isnt that the super dangerous alien someone accidentally freed awhile ago

The Future Diary - So i watched The Hot Box's video on the anime future diary and well here we are

Another rottmnt oc thing. Ame obtains a diary from his future self being like "hey so the world is gonna end soon here's how i think you could possibly stop that. Pls dont do this all alone ur like 5" and ame decides to do it all by himself.

Got all eight chapters planned out already with two already at stage two (aka fully written out just needs to be edited and stuff). I just dont know how to use ao3 in this sense or how to tag stuff plus i got anxiety so its just sitting in my notes app

Video stuff cuz yes

Currently working on a few more special videos. On my channel ive technically reached 100 videos (i unlisted alot of old ones/never posted a bunch more so technically i reached that months ago but shhh let me have this) plus i got 135 subs now so celebrations are in order. Idk what to say bout this, am making a video using the ok ko ending song idk the name, one is a fake collab a friend made and another is an original meme a youtube mutual/friend by association made. Plus like so mant mini things for my ocs, Dimension and Watcher are gonna get so much development and cute couple moments.

Also everyone else is gonna go through so much trauma my gods its gonna amazing.

Also ive been trying to like voice things, audio quality sucks cuz im working off of my tablet but like ive voice a few of my own videos (only one posted) and like its so fun i wish i had proper stuff to do this so i can do it more

Other art stuff

I got a toyhou.se (its EnviousDeath), pls enjoy these characters and stuff

Im trying to make my art more mess and chaotic while staying clean? If that makes any sense. Still a lover of doing gacha stuff but am trying to branch out more.

Also btw how do people just idk do social stuff like trade characters, comment, and just aaaa idk what am doing i forgot how to do social stuff and also i never understood how to do this type without being awkward as hell

Character stuff

Watcher - *slaps religious trauma onto them* bitch gets sacrificed. Okay okay so Watcher, wasnt always Watcher. Before they used to be Ena a simple kid who was sent away for reasons i havent thought of yet to a church. Blah blah corruption, Watcher gets sacrificed for not falling in line blah blah they were saved and given a second chance.

Dimension - *slaps alot of anxiety and identity issues onto her* bitch got issues. Same as Watcher, Dimension wasnt always Dimension. Before she was Ellie a poor girl hated by her whole town because of the lies their mother spread about them and their father who had left years ago. She only had one friend, Watcher. Somehow they managed to make contact with each other despite being in different universes. Eventually Dimension snapped and went on a killing spree, slowly ripping apart her world in the process because this wasnt supposed to happen (think spiderverse canon events but different ill explain later) with her world crumbling around her, Dimension messages Ena one last time, not knowing Ena was already long gone, and accepts what they assume to be death only to fall into whats basically the anti void from utmv, gets corrupted and became a villain technically more of a multiversal criminal.

(For time and length reasons im cutting this segment short)

Multiverse stuff

OKAY TIME FOR WORLD BUILDING

How does what happened to Dimension's universe work? The way i explained it is like spiderverse canon events but different, but heres the details. Idk how to explain this but bare with me

Imagine each universe as a game in a folder on a computer. Each game has different code, story, art assets basically all are mostly different.

Most games are coded to have very specific story events and when something goes wrong everything breaks. Like take a spaghetti thing of code that shatters the moment you try to do something like trying to talk with an npc while having a status effect and thats how some of these worlds are like. And Dimension's was very much one of those worlds, and her breaking down like that shattered the code of their world and everything fell apart.

Im too tired to continue but my main multiverse is like one big computer own by a game creator who only sometimes knows how to make a stable game

Feel free to ask about any of what ive just ramblef about am always willing to ramble bout my stuff

[penguin--person]

hey. hey you. I’m way too nervous to leave an actual comment on it but the rain world fic you posted recently. Fucking slaps. It’s so good. Idk how to put it into words but it’s like you make the characters so clear and and…idk but I think your fic is so cool and good. AND I DONT EVEN RAIN WORLD IS SUPPOSED TO BE. I came in through PAFL but I’ve been curious about rw for a while now, and this has made me want to check it out even more. Also, take your time on the swap au!! Stay healthy(physically AND mentally. They both matter) and don’t burn yourself out! Always remember that you are priority #1, and that your needs should always come first. Alright that’s it bye :D

AWAWA!!!! wawawwaaa!!!! explodes and diessssss ..n"!!! thanke you!!! thank you:3!!!!! your kind words are always so!!! nice and cool!!! and a pleasure to receive!!! <3333 rain world my good friend rain world... its a game for sure!!! ive been engaging less w the fandom lately, but, i still rlly like the game:3 ive been into it for. checks steam achivements. like two years now (i got into pafl not long after i think) !! rain world has these thangs tho - slugcats! :) the link leads to my rw pafl au... i have. SO Many pafl aus. you dont even Know. i havent even posted half of them. you dont know about my wandersong pafl au. you dont know about my buddy sim pafl crossover. you dont know about my pathologic pafl au (yet) (>:3). and thats because i never draw anything for them ❤️might write smth tho... ..

mm . youre rlly cool. thank you again!!! for your support!!! as a thank you, heres what ive got so far for the next chapter of swap! its not much, and mostly just first draft, but! just for you ❤️the '*' signal words/sentences im gonna italise

It’s another day. Just like always.

Half-asleep, Yura glances at the door, halfway through his breakfast. His mother’s standing there. She’s already fully dressed, while her son is still in last night’s clothes. He hasn’t had much energy as of late. It’s not like he ever has any energy, even more as of late, with the trip to the zone coming up... Not to mention everything that’s happened with Dmitry.

Yura grunts at the thought of that… *monster. 

Why didn’t he stick around? Maybe he’d have been able to convince Sergei to let him stay, or at the very least, not report him. Maybe he could have helped Dima escape. Maybe he could have seen the police coming and warned him. Maybe if he had used his brain, he’d have told Sanya to let Dima stay at his place and avoided all of this. But, no amount of *maybes is going to change the fact that he’s gone. Dead, maybe, for all they know.

The door clicks shut. He’s alone now. Anya is either at school (Is there school today? What day is it?) or, more likely, at Olya’s right now. She probably won’t be back for some time. Yura will be all by himself until then, getting swallowed up by unnecessary feelings.

… Whatever. He only knew him for a week. He shouldn’t care. His eyes shouldn’t sting at the memory of the guy. It doesn’t matter that Yura wasted so much time and money helping him out. Feeding him, giving him a place to stay, hanging out with him even though he was *such a pain in the ass.. But none of that matters now. Never will matter, because he’s gone.  The only thing that matters is that he- *it, Yura corrects himself - killed a few people in Sergei’s flat.

… Well, not really people. Not ones that matter, anyway. Three or so cops. Blew up their heads, Sanya said, that it looked like that’s what happened. Yura got the feeling she didn’t tell him more than she had to during their phone call. It was clear that she wasn’t pleased with how things turned out. Maybe she was hoping Sergei could help Dima. Let him live with them.  Find some place for him to stay, at least.

Yura can’t find the strength to not blame her for this. The rational side of him argued that she was the *least to blame, actually, she didn’t know this would happen. Most likely, she didn’t even know that Dima’s a mutant. Still. Though the final nail in his (hopefully only metaphorical) coffin was decided by Sergei, *she took Dima to him. She should have known.. but, how could she have? There was no way for her to know.

A frustrated groan escapes the teen. There’s really no need to be thinking that much about him. About *it.

He groans again, frustrated by his inability to call Dmitry what he is. It’s not like he didn’t know the truth all along, either. Again, he internally reprimands himself for getting attached. Sanya isn’t to blame here- no, she’s not the one responsible for all of this. Maybe for getting him reported so quickly, but that was always going to happen, one way or another. Better soon than later, the teen thinks. Before he let that not entirely uncomfortable feeling grow more than it already has.

Before he can ponder this any further, his phone buzzes. With one hand, he rubs his eyes, with the other he picks up his phone.

*We need to talk, a message from none other than Mr Kazarin himself. The tone of the message makes him sound like he wants to break up, Yura thinks to himself. Funny. Maybe it is one. Yura runs a hand through his hair, staring at the message. His stalker times are over before they even started, his only hope at making it in this godforsaken world, all because of that.. *thing. Nothing he can say could fix this.  

Luckily, before he can ruin Sergei’s view of him any further, another message. An invitation, if one can call it that, to meet up at an unimportant location. It’s not like he has much choice in this - so, he sends back an *ok, gets dressed in his unitidy clothes and heads out.

—

something something sergei angst

“You know what this is about.” Sergei proclaims. Yura doesn’t need to reply for him to know he’s right, but he still does, accompanied by a dry chuckle. “‘Course I do. It’s about Dimochka.”

“*Don’t call it that.”

The air is thick with tension. Despite this, Yura nonchalantly holds a cigarette out to him. Like nothing’s happened- like this is just a regular training session. With a sigh, he takes the cigarette, and with one quick motion, he takes out his lighter. Yura is fiddling with his own. 

[forever-a-misfit]

7.15.2023

wow, shit is crazy. 

this is the first time in YEARS that I hop on my laptop & immediately decide to check my tumblr. dont get me wrong, i still have the app on my phone & check it every now & then; but i feel like its not the same experience as it once was when i was younger.

i went through my blog, pictures & hashtags. wow, how i’ve changed. clearly ive grown a lot & continued with my progressive & radical ways hahaha. i was such a baby back then talking about “wild” ideas while everyone continued to soak in their ignorance. basically no one has a chance anymore. you either grow or leave me alone.

anyways.

i’m not here to rant, this post is more for my personal time capsule than it is anything else. i doubt anyone will read this anyways, i just be talking to myself. unfortunately girl, A LOT has changed. just last week one of the worst moments of my life happened. i really lost 1/2 of me.

there are seriously no words for that kinda loss. the funeral’s not till August & i’m terrified of what ill become after that day. the mourning period seems to have passed but i really think im going to break down all over again when that day comes.

idk what else to really say here, but i needed to write something & get it outside of my head for a while. it feels nice to hear those “clickity clacks” from the keyboard hahahaha. i do wish i had the strength to journal it all out but sadly my wrist still be buggin. at least i still have tumblr. man tumblr was really THAT GORL back in the days, i miss her :( i used to come on here to post whatever bullshit i liked, had online mutuals for YEARS & was so young & carefree. now this fucking bag of bricks ripped open over my head, it made me feel the pain that my teenage brain thought it had already experienced.

there’s always the good & the bad to growing up. i’ve finally reached the level of being a woman that i’ve always wanted to. happily single for idk how many years now hahaha. been at my job for 4 going on 5 years (even though that might change soon) but sadly i haven’t gone back to finish school. man i miss college. i also really miss the great friends i met there. i hope theyre doing well. the downside to all of this is: life really smacked the shit outta me recently that nothing i’ve learned & gone through can help me out in this moment. yeah yeah yeah i know i’m strong or whatever, but like????????? 

okay now it’s starting to sound like a rant HAHAHAHAHAHA i be lyyyying

okay okay foreal now. if you managed to read all this thanks. i dont know if anything made sense but as i mentioned before, it’s for me & my digital time capsule. 

also, don’t come at me for not capitalizing certain words/letters, i’m not here for a fucking grade hahahaha if you’ve seen my previous text posts, most aren’t properly typed out anyways. idc

well Phia i hope shit gets better. <3

[ 7.6.19** - 7.5.2023 ] te voy a extranar 

[somer-writes]

20 questions for fic writers

1. How many works do you have on A03?

88 😅 i started posting fanfic Sep 30 2023. 87 works since then whoopsies (but theres a few wips in there)

2. What's your total A03 word count? 473,304...woof. i posted ~150k in november alone. i didnt actively participate in nano this year but figured i get an honorary win for that lmao

3. What fandoms do you write for?

Linked Universe! In high school I wrote Rise of the Guardians and Danny Phantom fic. These days its strictly Linked Universe cuz it scratches my brain just right

4. What are your top five fics by kudos?

The Traveler's Landing - this was going to be part of a quick series of one off Wolfie reveals. It's just a silly goofy time ft Twilight stealing Hyrule's shoes and Legend going "it's on sight".

Puppysitting - which is funny bc i almost never posted this one. I am v careful when it comes to deage fics bc i think they can go very wrong very fast. it started as a silly thing and then ended up having some of my fav character bits!

Sacred Shadows - Twilight meets the chain. More like the chain meets Wolfie. Short fic left open ended. hc for wolfie being seen as a forest spirit.

Riverside R&R - one of those fluff wips lmao fluff is not my strong suit so i have to be in a mood to work on these longer fluff pieces. this is probably the goofiest thing ive written.

The Truth Hangs - based on a lovely piece of canine poetry. This one was super fun to write. everyone except wind and wild are horrible to twi for 40k words bc dink is a bastard.

5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

Yes!!!!!! i love comments. theyre my drug of choice. i love waking up to new comments, i love when people engage with my work, i love making fandom friends <3 i feel so humbled when i get comments and it gives me warm fuzzies. i write for myself but it makes me so unbelievably happy that others enjoy my dumb ramblings

6. What's the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

what a question! uuuuh....probably The Purple Door bc its a permanent injury fic and the emotional hurt is left open ended. i do try to give my works satisfying endings which usually ends on a slightly more positive note than the rest of the story. purple door is one that leaves what-ifs abound.

7. What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

this is a toughie. I think it's between Warriors' Last Straw which is just Sibling Rivalry the Fic or Ordonian Rams bc it ends with normal chain activities. a lot of my stuff is bittersweet so even my happy endings have a bit of melancholy.

8. Do you get hate on fics?

nope! everyone has been lovely so far. its so fun being able to debate hc's and discuss different interps and be able to respect each other. and a lot of the comments i get are so thoughtful and amazing and i feel like such a little punk when i get compliments and engagement like that.

9. Do you write smut?

yes actually! though i dont post it on my mains for obvs reasons XD im actually ace (i think???) so the smut i do write is usually on request or commission.

10. Do you write crossovers?

nope! i am already so nervous about fucking up the current property i write for that i wont even attempt that lmao

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

i have not! even if i did idk that i'd be that mad about it. annoyed sure but imitation is flattery or smth. besides if there are younger (by younger i mean new) writers out there that take bits and pieces for their own stories, i dont take issue with that. god knows i was more than derivative when i first started writing

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

Nope! idk how big the LU fandom is and even then, if i wanted to i could translate my own work into (probably very formal) spanish or french. its the formatting that would get me and i would have to do some homework for a lot of the language i use. english has a lot of non translatable words at the end of the day. i wouldnt call myself fluent in either spanish or french so i would not have the wordcraft for it.

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

no but when i was 12 my friend and i co wrote a pretty terrible story about a monster hunter named Nova. it got dramatic by ch 3 as all tween angst writings do XD i still have a copy of it!

14. What's your all-time favourite ship?

hard question hard question but its probably gotta be Wei Wuxian and Lan Zhan from The Grandmaster of Demonic Cultivation. so sweet, so precious. screaming crying as i read those books and watched the adaptations.

fandom specific, im a dedicate ilia/link shipper. i used to be anti midlink bc i think them having a platonic ship is so rich and interesting, but ive come around on the idea. twilight princess wise i am not a zelink person at all and i dont like that ship personally but i dont yuck yums

15. What's the WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

fanfic wise, its gotta be Honeydew. i like this idea a lot but i do not plot and ive gotten a little lost with it. it started as a silly concept and i just dont know where to go with it next. plus fluff is something i struggle with.

oc wise that would be Cieran Murphy's Arm which is a horror murder mystery about a vampire and a burgeoning psychic trying to hunt it.

16. What are your writing strengths?

character work. dialogue, i like to think, and disagreements. i like to think im super good at making characters motivated even if their actions are disagreeable.

i also like to think im okay at action/horror writing since thats mostly what i cut my teeth on. my writing style has changed a lot since i first started writing and i think how it is now is really conducive to sharp, quick punches.

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

prose :( really its description and being flowery. im a bit of a minimalist. form follows function and all that. im pretty terrible at setting scenery in a way that feels like anything more than just set dressing

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language for a fic?

i love it! i have a few different methods for it bc i love fucking with the meta of my work. so a lot of times i will straight up just write it in the other language without anything other than context clues for the reader to figure out what was said unless they know the language themselves.

other times, i use dialogue tags to indicate it was said in another language.

<i write sign language like this>

Somer 1002

And text messages like this

and when i have to make up a language i just write the words backwards XD

19. First fandom you wrote for?

Rise of the Guardians lmao i was so into jack frost angst. i think i was 14 or 15 when this movie came out. i had an oc and everything.

20. Favourite fic you've ever written?

Hiding in Plain Sight - bc wars & twi brother fics are my favoritest thing ever and i love angst. i like the character stuff i did here and i got the hc gush with wars' backstory :D plus its short! i feel like my longer fics get a little obnoxious but thats probably bc i see how the sausage gets made with them

@hotcheetohatredwastaken @labyrinthdancer @rosehipandroots @sappytrees

do the thing!!!! im so curious!!!

20 questions for fic writers

Tagged by @the-real-azalea-scroggs! Had to wait until I was of my phone because doing these is a nightmare on mobile lmao

1. How many works do you have on A03?

18 as of a few days ago!

2. What's your total A03 word count?

60,763! Which is. Only a fraction of the word count in my Docs folder. Be prepared.

3. What fandoms do you write for?

I mainly write for The Legend of Zelda; specifically Linked Universe! In fact, that's all that's posted on my Ao3 currently, since my fall into that fandom began with me uploading there! Pre-Ao3 I wrote for Black Cat (Anime/Manga), Megaman NT Warrior, various Pokémon things, Assassin's Creed, Yugioh, Final Fantasy XIV and Octopath Traveler! Some of these I still write privately, but I haven't gotten around to re-posting any.

4. What are your top five fics by kudos?

Whistling on Deaf Ears - My longest fic on Ao3, focusing on Wild and Twilight's friendship and how good intentions can lead to disaster.

Iconoclasm - Warriors deals with the room full of portraits in Cia's palace. The Chain also deals with it, but with a bit more fire.

Deserving - Twilight finally tells Rusl that he was the wolf in the village during TP, but that also means dealing with some heavier topics. Colin half overhears them and forms his own conclusions.

Something Greater - The start of the "Hyrule can see magical auras" series! In this one we deal with Legend and his many rings.

Ocean Magic - Mermaid Legend and Zora Time have a race and then fight one of the Big Octos from WW! Fun times.

5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

Every single one!! I love comments, they give me an excuse to ramble about my fic more!! I am always down to ramble about every single insignificant detail of any line and/or section. If you ever want more background info about one of my fics, look to the comments! So please, I adore comments, I treat them like treasures, not responding to them would be a CRIME.

6. What's the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

There's no contest; Inevitable, my (so far) only MCD fic.

7. What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

Hmmm, that's hard to quantify. I usually try to end fics on a hopeful note regardless. I'd say possibly either Deserving, where Twilight reconnects with his family, or Shimmering Blue, Striking White, where Time meets the Fierce Deity settled down on Satori Mountain and they both get closure.

8. Do you get hate on fics?

Thankfully, no! I've been blessed with mostly amazing and patient readers, even when my upload schedule isn't the best.

9. Do you write smut?

No, not really. I've attempted it, but I'm too asexual for it lol

10. Do you write crossovers?

Very, very rarely. Mostly privately, and only very specific ones. Only a single one has had an actual plot, so far (more on that one in question 15!).

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Nope!

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

Also a nope! I tend to write for smaller fandoms, where these things don't tend to happen a lot!

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

I have! But it's been a while. Over a decade, in fact! I tried to find the fic to link it here, but it was on the German fanfic website fanfiktion.de, and my friend who posted it back then must have deactivated her account, because it's nowhere to be seen (I still have the Word file though!). It was a Multi-Crossover that started as an RP in a forum, and we took turns turning the RP into prose one chapter each. "If a Hero Turns to Dark" was its title. We were edgy teenagers.

14. What's your all-time favourite ship?

Hissssss. Bad question. Shoo. They are all equally important!! But it's probably TenRose from Doctor Who.

15. What's the WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

One of the very few crossovers I've ever worked on; a crossover fic between Assassin's Creed and Doctor Who, that I have mapped out in both chronological and timeline order, and yes, those are different. I only ever wrote about a quarter of it, since my primary audience of it disappeared when we graduated. I doubt I'll ever pick it back up properly, and if I do it'll probably go through heavy rewrites first since it's so old. Finishing it is a nice thought, but realistically, after 9 years it'll never be high priority enough for it to actually happen.

16. What are your writing strengths?

Dialogue, especially arguments, and emotional impact. I've been told I do really well making characters feel alive and believable! Also I like to believe I'm decent at setting a scene and giving it the vibe I want it to have!

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

I struggle with dialogue tags when nothing much is happening besides the talking. I always feel it's too bland, and fall back on the same phrases. My scene transitions could use some work too.

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language for a fic?

I've done this with Japanese phrases, because I was a massive weeb. Usually I followed them up with their own translations, though; I'm not the biggest fan of footnote translations, unless they are properly linked to. Simple dialogue tags are my favourite way of indicating a language switch.

19. First fandom you wrote for?

Black Cat the Manga/Anime! It's a series about an assassin turned bounty hunter trying to live a life separate from his murdery past, but getting dragged back into things by still wanting to avenge his best friend's death. The series has a special place in my heart and my bookshelf, it left an imprint on 13-year-old me that will never leave.

20. Favourite fic you've ever written?

Probably Jailbreak, uncharacteristically enough! It's one of the only fics I never got stuck in once. Writing it was a great feeling from start to finish. I love writing all of my fics, but that was a special few days.

Tagging @ahrva @nowhere-to-go-but-down @silvercaptain24 and @aeghina! And anyone who wants to do it, really, go wild