#but ive thought about this for YEARS already so idk leave me alone

[saccharinecoffee]

Single albums and single releases are a pet peeve of mine bc unless you're a small indie artist, it just feels easy and like a cash grab, even if it isn't.

[nyancrimew]

fucked up sorta intoxicated long vent

cw: uuh mental health, drugs, suicide mentions, very much is just an existential crisis put into post form

this is not a suicide note or anything, im about to go cuddle up with my wife and go to sleep i just had to get my fucked up thoughts out, i might delete this tomorrow

meaning

it's so hard to find meaning in life anymore. i live for those around me, for those i love, those who love me back. yet i keep hurting them, everything keeps falling apart. i live out of spite, i cant let authority win. yet im slowly giving up my cause. i live to prove a point. ive long forgotten what point it even is anymore.

there hasnt really been any new compelling reason to keep going in over 10 years now. i honestly wonder how much it even really takes anymore to drive me to suicide. it can't be that much, im already always living on edge.

i just barely know who i even am anymore, ive largely forgotten the first 20 years of my life, and the last 3 are mostly just fog as well. forced to live in the moment, carrying all the baggage of all the previous moments i dont even have memories of anymore.

how are people just like able to keep living, regularly finding joy. how are people able to deal with bad times without immediately pondering all the ways in which they could kill themselves in?

god i need therapy so fucking bad. i keep dragging down everyone around me. how can i fix all the damage ive done, a sorry won't do. how can i fix all the damage done to me, no sorry will ever do.

why are the only options to just keep going, ignoring all the pain, or ending it all forever. where is the restart button, where can i reset, rewind, apply what ive learned to the situations where i fucked up. how do i go back and undo all the trauma. the trauma i experienced myself and the trauma i put on others.

we're all just lost children in a world not made for us. where is our world. where is the place in which we can find solace. your arms make me feel safe, and at home. but i know you feel the same way i do.

it pains me to know we're in this together, god if only i could bear your pain, if only i could bear everyone elses pain. it hurts me to know you feel this way too. no one should have to know how this feels. i wanna take on all the pain in this world so i can leave and turn the world around.

am i just failing at being a part of this society or is society failing me. i am like one bureaucratic fuck up away from dying alone on the street with no roof over my head. i cannot be self dependent, why does this society fully expect such a thing of me.

is this all worth it for the few moments of bliss, for sparing the people around me from the pain of losing me. would the pain of losing me be greater than the pain i cause every day?

i am lost. i dont know anymore. fuck i need therapy. or just anything that can fix me. the drugs certainly haven't yet, but at least i also have dependency to fight with now i guess.

yea fuck man idk

[hoesaria]

IV. Exposed?!

You put your phone down and start packing as quickly as humanly possible.

“Why are you in such a rush? They'll be seats empty even if we arrive late to the cafe” Alhaitham sighs next to you. You wanted to smack the apathetic expression he had on his face off.

Containing yourself you reply, “Well, it wouldn't hurt to start early and end our session early. Now pack your bag quickly before I go ahead without you”

Just as you were about to drag Alhaitham out of class you heard a sly voice call out to you.

“I was hoping to catch you before you left class my dear [Name]"

You turn to look at your literary professor Yae Miko, who also happened to me Scaramouche's step mother.

"Miss Yae, its good to see you haha" You awkwardly say, "Did you want to talk about something?"

The pink haired woman eyes you and Alhaitham who still had the same apathetic expression on his face. If you hadn't blinked, you would have seen a little smirk on her face that had vanished as soon as it came.

"I'm sure you know Kunikuzushi, and you never gave me a proper answer about dating him. So what do you say?" She said, a smile on her face that anyone would have described as gentle, but you thought it was the stuff of nightmares.

Panic stricken you blurted out the first excuse that came up in your mind, "I already have a boyfriend! Actually right after I posted that he came up to me and asked me out haha"

"Oh?" replied, her eyebrows raised but a smile still playing on her lips. "Who is it?"

You racked your brain for anyone that would be the perfect example and remembered the man besides you, he could help you out for a few seconds right?

"Its Alhaitham!" You said as you dragged him in the front, intertwining both your hands together. You silently side eyed him with a pleading look. Sighing, he let go of your hand and you felt your heart drop, yeah you were about to lose your professors trust and your extra credit for the next 2 years, but then he wrapped his arm around your shoulder.

"I didn't want it to be public lest it creates trouble for my dear Y/N" Alhaitham said. You thanked all the archons above, you would drop to your feet and pray but there was still an audience in the class.

"Oh that's wonderful! I'm sure your aunt will be thrilled to know" Professor Yae exclaimed and you felt Alhaitham stiffen up at the mention of his Aunt. Did you just create family troubles for him? "Well I'll leave you two love birds alone then, I can see you were planning on going somewhere together haha, have fun~"

After you leave the class and are far away from prying ears you drop to the nearest campus bench you can find.

"Did I perform well?" Alhaitham said, dropping down next to you. Both of you hadn't said a word after leaving the class.

"I'm really sorry about that, I'll make it up to you, I swear!" You explained. "But what was that about your Aunt? Are you going to get into trouble for dating?"

Alhaitham chuckled, "No it's nothing like that. My Aunt is just very interested in my personal life, she'll be adamant on meeting you if it gets out, which it probably will because her and the professor are friends."

"How do you feel about fake dating? I can meet your aunt and get her off your back for a while, and you can help till this thing with Miss yae blows over" you say out loud.

"Hmm, sounds like a deal I suppose"

╰┈➤ ❝[A/N] ~ Scara doesn't seem to be on the bandwagon oops- ~ Alhaithams aunt, i wonder who it is hehe ~Do you guys think I should open up asks for like headcannons and stuff? i like writing a lot but idk

Taglist (the ones i cant tag are crossed out)

@makimakimi @im-bili @nambii @hydration-is-for-weenies @baelloraa @aixaingela @istgnature @ceylestia @itonashi @cafezjjn @letthestarscollide @artemfication @virginsl4yer @sammybeefangirls @yrklysxoxo @prefesro @hakunonn @duhsies @hypernovaxx @mellowknightcolorfarm @aeongiies @richxelle @greenfurret @starryeyedkoko

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[narzissenkreuz-ordo]

i guess i need some. advice? encouragement? about some stuff thats been happening recently so suicide/violence cw under the cut

i won't go into detail but i had. a very huge emotional/physical/mental breakdown today. where i was just. basically screaming and howling about how suicidal ive been lately. I haven't said anything out loud/via text on the internet abt it because i know saying i want to kms so often is bad for my own well being and ultimately makes other uncomfortable as well

so yeah i've just been. holding all that in. i knew the thoughts were coming in and out the past few months but was just shrugging it off as just being stressed abt the nightmare year i had. but i really was just. lying to myself and others because i didnt want to worry anyone/didn't want to admit how horrible i was doing after a couple years of good progress. but as it stands things are heading into a really bad direction for me rn. its not normal to go to sleep suicidal and immediately be suicidal upon waking up.

I don't really know what i can really do harm reduction wise. i'm unable to have regular visits with a psychiatrist/therapist bc of availability issues + i tend to just. lie. because its easier to say im fine than it is to advocate for myself and get actual help. and even then medication will not save me and coping skills can only go so far if im so deep in it im unable to take care of myself/feed myself/clean myself/eat/etc so none of it is effective enough in the moment. i know it CAN be effective and some of the skills ive learned can help during situational issues but this is really deep rooted improperly treated mental illness and i need a stronger foundation to be able to use any of the skills

i use a means of self isolation to punish myself, because i'm so upset with myself for not being able to pick myself up on my own. people can say im not a burden over and over but theres always gonna be a catch in the end. i freak out because what if this is one of my last meltdowns before they decide enoughs enough and i just get abandoned. again.

I feel like maybe being so Online is making things worse?? but i don't know??? my concentration is completely gone even when trying to use dnd/closing discord completely and im just constantly refreshing social media every 10 seconds and just stew in the bad feelings.

I don't know if just. leaving the internet cold turkey for a bit would do more harm than good.....i dont want to be alone and caught up in my thoughts. but i have a hard time doing things in 'moderation' and don't know how to even begin to roll back my internet/screen time usage

fandom is fun and great. but i dont think i should be using video games as pure escapism or playing them 24/7. im already getting bored and unenthusiastic about the things i like because its ALL i do.... I want to have at least SOME time away from screens. i hate having the impulse the check social media or refresh even 30 seconds (im even doing it NOW) but i just dont know where to begin in cultivating non-screentime hobbies and have the ability to focus on things more long term without having than doing 1000 things all at once to keep myself busy. i play video games muted most of the time, have a yt video playing, sometimes i'll stop mid video game and pull out my ipad while still having the games open, and im always on discord

there's books i still want to read, i eventually want to pick up sewing again. im considering getting a craft set for making those beaded bracelets (my brother gets them from concerts all the time and thinks it would be fun to make them too) but that all requires money

and i just. idk where im going with this rn but. any advice or suggestions or just. words of encouragement would be. really nice rn

[keller-clayton]

ok gonna write a sequel to the end goal maybe this weekend? or start it this week depending on how life sways me.

my basic thoughts rn are like:

like 4 years after the first fic.

mario calls sid (in the off season?? maybe? bc i sort of want to fit in a nate cameo and idk how unless i make it late july/early august) to tell him like, the nhl wants them to participate in the prospect program again with the two of them. sid appropriately skeeved out and also

sid pissed as fuck bc omegas dont have to do the program twice. alphas sometimes do but omegas dont. he already gave up one season. mario says its just because hes so talented etc etc. maybe kind of imply something here about prejudice against omegas, none of them have been good enough, etc??

sid immediately calls geno in miami where he chills in the off season and asks him to come bond with sid bc bonded players are exempt. geno agrees to bond with sid and that he should be rutting sometime soon so he'll come to nova scotia and chill until he does.

sid, being the overachiever that he is, does all this research into how to make The Best Bond Ever and to do that they have to sync up their heat and rut

geno arrives a few days out from his rut and they spend some time doing everything the book says to induce sid's heat like scent each other constantly, the alpha hand feeding the omega, delayed/denied orgasms for sid, etc et.

geno's rut hits and sidney is still like We Can Make This Happen So We Can Have The Best Bond Ever and puts himself in charge of the sex stuff from the book for the first two days of geno's rut

on day three, sid's heat hits and they bond and their little family lives happily ever after and mario doesnt get to have sid hooray

this little universe wouldn't really leave me alone and ive been ruminating on this idea for a while but the final pieces just sort of came together recently. excited to start writing :)))))

[tylerdashart]

(spoilers for TDP season 4)

OKAY. so i dont really do these kinda posts but id like to say a few things about season 4 cus ive seen some things and the fandom making theories, i just like to write about my own thoughts. ive watched s4 only one time due to not having netflix so i dont really remember many scenes.

"season 5 when?" are you good?? the season 4 just dropped 3 days ago! Im serious when i say ive seen multiple people already posting this question mostly on YT comments or Insta. also the fact that they're not artists OR a fic author makes sense honestly. they have no idea how animation works.

"rayla's acting weird" this is what frustrats me the most. NO she's not... ok maybe a little. but like. come the fuck on, she was gone for 2 years. ofc she's not the same person we saw in season 3. people change. plus, personally, i dont see any difference on her except this one time when callum asked her to...kill him. yes rayla acted a lot calm in that scene- not just that scene really. she was so calm most of the time, but i can see why? she's trying to get callum warm up to her, she's giving him space, she's being gentle as much as she can cus she knows how much she hurt him. she's grown up, she's not the same hot-headed, irritated elf anymore. and we all know how she hides her feelings. Im pretty sure she's gotten used to it, or managed to cope her feelings well so that she can stay calm. lastly about rayla, all i have to say is people change, so does rayla. and no she's not fake at all.

firstly, if rayla's acting weird, what about Viren being supportive with Terry? isnt that weirder? he didnt even treat his own son better, but he's supporting a trans fella? sus.... secondly, what about opeli being so chill about Ez going with Zubia. in that case most of the characters in s4 were out of character. and that's okay cus it's been 2 fucking years!

personally i think the "Zubia in Katolis" scene was a bit rushed. they couldve done it better but Im not saying it was bad at all tho! i loved the scene with the whole callum doing magic thing and the dragon sized jelly tart? xD

"why is rayla back?" why not really. she realized it was useless to find viren and came back home? she realized she wanted to see her mage? "we had something so special. but I became so obsessed with revenge, i.. risked losing the best thing ive ever had... you" she CLEARLY missed him yall. ofc she came back.

"where's the rayllum kiss" Im glad we didnt get a rayllum kiss. I know this is a cartoon show but at least the animators made it similar to how an in-real-life relationship works. people dont just go "you were gone for two years but its okay, i forgive you, lets kiss". Callum needs time to get used to being around rayla again. he's happy but also angry, he needs to see how hard rayla's trying to win callum's trust back. it was so clear that callum got a bit comfortable with rayla again in the last few episodes, especially the last one. That hug was enough sign for us to know they're gonna be okay and that they're still deeply in love.

Stella isNT EVIL YALL. leave my poor baby girl alone >:c

the fart joke was......nuhuh. idk if it's just me but it was gross. i dont wanna remember how much i cringed.

claudia was a bit- no fuck it- she was too much this season. especially in that scene where she tricked rayla with pebbles. god that hurt so much.

Lastly, Season 4 was amazing!! i loved season 4, and all the new things we saw. the arc is building up, it's so interesting, im so excited for season 5.

[breadsandwiches]

Wanted to share my tdp playlists bc i honestly like how they turned out! 💃

Some of these were recommended by dragonprinceofficial! (a, c, v, s)

(Very in depth and thought provoking comments about my fave songs under the cut >>>)

AARAVOS

Time, Stars, Universe Pretty ethereal star god vibes

Play with Fire Whatever his beef with the Sunfire peeps, im enjoying it and am glad he is too. slay queen (literally)

Dishonored 2 Main Theme creepy ominous spider-spinning-its-web vibes ok?

Inside the Cage Listen to sexy mental breakdown song.

In the Palace ~ Agitato Creepy fucked up butterfly beast. For context watch HxH, its fun!!! 😀 (< dead inside) Also soundtrack for Aaravos losing his mind in prison and making his puppets dance till their feet bleed! 😍

Adore Adore The story can change at the roll of a dice babeyy 😎 no fr the lyrics are fire

Throne Wrath and violence on planat earth

Nosk Spider-pulling-in-its-prey vibes. Callum wyd 👁👁

Dark Matter The drama.. the vibes.. "bring me your soul bring me your ~HATE~" *insert elmo fire gif*

Black Train/End Credits ~piano~ Also death etc. etc. idek. damn should this be on viren or claudia's playlist instead? 🤔

CLAUDIA

Restless Year I always imagine her dancing or playing the bass to this. Also this song was literally written about her /lie

W.I.T.C.H. We all know this would be on her playlist in a modern au.

My Zero It's fine, she's just gradually losing grip of her family and also herself, she's losing her beginnings 😀👍 ok

Selfless "You're mucking off, but I will live for you, my selfless love". Screaming crying throwing up etc.

Fireflies Nothing to say here except that it's perfect.

A Victory of Love Objectively a bop. Songs that make me Ascend™

Galaxies Honestly im just rlly invested in the modern au where she's a bassist in a cool band and this is one of the songs theyd be playing. but also the lyrics kinda fit

Spanish Sahara She can have a little vengeance as a treat. Also trauma <3

Young and Tragic sad :( baby magefam feels :((

VIREN

The Unquiet Grave he's a corpse 👍

Werewolf Heart Thinking about Harrow, thinking about Lissa maybe. also those wolves and screams?? sir... 🧍‍♂️ Also sexy bass. what more do you want.

Mohammed Most sexy guitar ive ever heard ever im not joking. leave me alone

LA PAURA DEL BUIO lyrics fit pretty well. also this playlist has a criminal lack of angry rock songs

Fight Like Gods Lyrics and such

Way down We Go idk how to describe it without saying the word sexy again :/

The Sun Pretty 😳

Sleep Oughg (< relates a bit too much)

Ashes to Ashes idk man, its just pretty. like Viren <3 <3 <3

Into Dust damn ok tdpo

SOREN

Beautiful Day idk this just has Soren all over to me. the early sunrise wake up feeling, the hopeful optimism idk man

Uptown Funk Originally wasn't putting this in but it is Sooo S1-2 Soren. Also this

Back Against The Wall A+ rec from tdpo

Ode To The Mets I am so normal about this song so normal i listen to it a regular amount haha *insert one of those feral stick figures with blood all over*

Run Magefam feels 💃

Edge of Darkness Next on Songs that make me Ascend™. "I've got love in my heart for an army apart" :(

Fill Your Heart This is one of my fave songs ever its so joyful i love it and I love Soren

Obstacles This song is already Not Ok on its own, but combined with the Soren-Claudia feels it's an atrocity 👍 Songs for floating away on a river never to return

What's Up Ya boy might not always be the brightest but he's definitely the more emotionally intelligent one also i love him so much hhskvhvhhvhvhbv

[anne-phibia-fan]

Do you draw or write

Hai! Yes, I do draw! I've been drawing, or at least learning how to, draw for over 8 years. I have learned the basics of drawing humans within 2 years.

Idk if you'd be interested in what pushed me to draw humans, but just in case, I'll tell anyway (just to let you know, i might be inaccurate one dome of the more specific details because my memory is really bad). For my drawing class around one or two years ago (2022, im pretty sure), in my junior year of high school, my teacher had to leave because of health issues. We ended up having a sub that was.... interesting, to say the least.

I don't think he really knew much about art or drawing, and he ended up finding drawing books for us. He was one of those subs older who didn't like us using our phones and what-not. Anyway, to make this shorter than it already is because I can't explain things properly, we ended up using those books to do gesture drawings. My drawing teacher ended up being gone for about 2 months, I think, smth around there. Everyone in that class got bored and sick of it as hell, and just ended up using their phones anyway. Last thing I remember about that sub was that he, for some reason, was on my teachers computer doing who knows what, and I never saw him again. I think my poor teacher had to get a whole new computer so uhhh- 🤨

Oh yea and he also somehow bent a ruler really badly???

But yea then I ended up forcing myself to learn how to draw humans because I sucked at gesture drawings and didn't understand shit of them.

Besides humans, I've mainly just been drawing animals and ponies, and that stuff so ye. I am still trying to learn how to draw, basically ive just been trying to learn how to just get the basis of anatomy and trying to find my art style and stuff. As for writing, I really struggle with it, and I don't really see it as fun to me that much. I don't know how to put my thoughts onto paper, yet alone how to just even get it out of my mouth in convos without just being weird and making things awkward. I still have to use organizers to organize my thoughts whenever I have to write.

Sorry if this answer dissatisfies you in any way and its too long. I'm at a time in my life right now where I'm just really overwhelmed, and I don't know what I'm doing with myself anymore.

[femmedesyeuxnoirs]

can someone tell me if its normal to be mad ar this or im just being autistic. the guy ive been seeing set up this whole thing for my bday, he wrote me love letters, gave me chocolates, walked out from behind a tree to serenade me etc. And he gave me his old electric guitar that he had been using for years. Like. This is my first electric ever. And nobody has done anything like that before even the women in my life dont really care to be that kind and thoughtful… its weird to be given this affection and these gifts bc i feel like i dont deserve it. I took the guitar home and g was still half asleep she was like whoa he gave u his guitar?? I was already not in a good mood bc she keeps “borrowing” my stuff without permission and showed me that she doesny really care about my wellbeing or comfort. I realized after this guy did all these things for me… why am i doing all this stuff for a girl that doesnt even take me seriously or respect me at that level. I feel so alone. So im waiting for her to leave w her friend so i can be alone and at peace but she was like can i play ur guitar im like uhhh yeah. shes been playing it for like an hour when she knows that it was a gift given to me out of love and i literally just brought it home a couple hours ago. Idk it sounds dumb but it feels violating to like… have someone take my first instrument that ive yet to learn and just use it immediately after my lover gave it to me… Im just being childish i think this feeling will pass

[sixthwater]

Hello again! Welcome to another chapter of poptarot with sixthwater~! This one is going to be more general and I have a feeling it's a bit further out but we shall see!

Chapter Three: Will we get another star who's a household name?

Deck's Used: After Tarot

Cards: II of Wands Rx, King of Cups, The Emperor Rx, The Hierophant Rx

Yes?? Sort of. The feeling is reminiscent of Robert Patterson after Twilight, that's why I'm a little...lol. Also Drama Queen by Lindsay Queen started playing so I think this person will go down a path trying to prove something to themselves or others (or it's like a dumb bet) and it accidentally blows up? Which is not what they wanted, which throws to acting like Mr. Robert, but it's not authentic (some of it is some of it isn't), I hope that makes sense, but let me keep pulling lol.

Ace of Wands Rx, III of Pentacles Rx, IV of Pentacles, King of Pentacles

lmao okay. I already have my answer but I pulled an extra four anyway so they're on the side right now we'll get to them. This person does not want to be here but they'll be in high demand. I don't think they'll hate their career, but they don't like what comes with it, which is valid. However Shaman King's opening came on and so did Calendar by PaTD. For those unfamiliar with Shaman King, here's a rundown of the main character:

"as a slacker by nature, Yoh maintains a carefree, laid back attitude about everything, even while achieving his goal of becoming Shaman King…generally seen as lazy and uncaring about most things, Yoh holds wisdom well beyond his age as he thinks outside common norms and principles, with many people being unable to read his flexible and unique nature. While his comments and general demeanor give an impression of irresponsibility and lack of commitment, which has often infuriated others…despite not looking like it, Yoh acts seriously in most all instances, but always tries to keep true to himself"

This is what they feel like. 100%. Calendar talks about wanting to leave because it's harming you/it's bad for you but something always drags them back, and I believe it's either participating in things that's created by those they care about or just for contracts that were already established before they dipped. In the four of pentacles there's a reaper coming for the guy and he looks anxious so it feels like someone trying to just rest easy after their gains but their manager is coming in with another deal or project, only because it's right next to the King. Besides that there's a lot of solitude present; so it's like they will be a household name yes, but their heart is not necessarily in it, this isn't what they signed up for, and after a while they want to leave, they don't gel with all the accessories here and they don't want to mingle -- not because they're a bad person if anything the energy surrounding this seems quite nice. Like I see people goofing off in an auditorium to place an imagery to this. Okay last four cards

VII of Swords Rx, Queen of Cups, IV of Cups, King of Swords Rx

You're fucking lying lmao. I want you to keep in mind that II of Wands Rx, Ace of Wands Rx, and VII of Swords Rx are all on top of each other. Mmmmm. Had a random thought but this could be a person who wants to go back to leading a normal life after this so they try to leave but they can't (aka want to have a family and not have to balance all this since it wasn't a goal anyway but--). Idk like...Like I mentioned earlier, Robert Pattinson twilight interview energy + this sad story

“I had a stalker while filming a movie in Spain last year,” Pattinson revealed in 2009. “She stood outside my apartment every day for weeks – all day every day. I was so bored and lonely that I went out and had dinner with her. I just complained about everything in my life and she never came back. People get bored of me in, like, two minutes.”

but they also come off as an awkward Aubrey Plaza?? Like they want to be left alone. In the seven of swords the guy is sneaking off but there's a rope under his foot so it's like they can never get away but it feels like after a certain point they just become obnoxious and pull out asshole king of swords energy. Cause the four of cups is pouring water out while the cloud has turned it's back. It kind of feels like them leaning into (excuse me) Shia LaBeouf's energy, or acting out like Miley did right after Disney to gain her name back, but this is to gain independence and solitude again. This entire reading has been a lot of "Yes But--" cards lol. So it's like, we will have a household name at some point, but it might be short lived? Or they will be liked for a little bit before people will go down a rabbit hole of "What Happened To ______" because they start acting up and then disappear. Considering the examples I just kept pulling, I have to assume this will be within the acting industry, but eh let's pull some cards anyway to see what they'll be famous for maybe it'll be a writer somehow

Q: What industry will this person belong to?

Cards: Waning Crescent Moon, First House, Twelfth House, Sun, Uranus, Vesta

??????? Oh?! I can point out the modeling industry as a possibility, that's one thing...there's.

Either this person multi-tasks / is a 'jack of all trades', or they'll be known primarily for two things? Because vesta can stand for doing something that soothes you or makes you happy, but if this is representing their industry it'd have to be a type of healing industry. Then we have Uranus + Twelfth. That kind of points to spirituality or astrology if we're combining it. But then on the complete opposite we have First + Sun, which shoots towards modeling or putting your best food forward, not diving deep into your emotions or standing out awkwardly like the other two would. Then Waning Crescent stands for an ending time period? This could somewhat point to someone inventing a whole new niche, and that's why they're known + not coping with it well/not expecting any of this. That would sum up being a pioneer that's known for something fresh and unique, laying something to rest and entering a new phase and it might be in an area that gives them joy.

So in that case: not necessarily a household name but very in demand, high praise. If it is a household name, I'd have to go with possibly modeling or a high maybe on possibly sports????? high maybe.

[figula]

ok so: another friend drama recap post

i've known this woman, we'll call her Claire, since i was 17 + she was about 25. the other members of the group are ana: (2y older than me) and our parisian friend who we'll call Dora (I wanna say like 1y older than me). anyway suffice to say we've all been friends for over 10y, not just online but irl as well. (WE MET ON LIVEJOURNAL! yes even ana and i met on livejournal) ages not really important other than to make it even more baffling lol

anyway claire has been v weird and unstable for a few years now, i want to be charitable and say it is potentially a reaction to the collective trauma of covid (and also she's had a HORRIFIC few years personally - a lot of death) but i don't know how to deal w/ her at all anymore like i know she's struggling a lot but like i cannot deal with it, it's just maddening

all she really does is infodump about her current fandoms that NOBODY ELSE IN THE GROUP HAS ANY INTEREST IN WHATSOEVER interspersed with these wildly disturbing one-off sentences like "oh i think my wife lost the baby" like. (she hadn't btw) the emotional whiplash from going from her angrily screenshotting comments on her fanfiction that she agree with to talking about the horrific shit going on in her life just makes it so difficult to talk to her + also i cannot pretend to give a shit about k-dramas ive never seen like... i literally just cant lol. so i tend to just ignore the group chat + leave ana + dora to deal with it. (ana mildly resents me for this but my position is they dont have to deal w/ it either and social consequences for being totally unbearable is not the worst thing)

anyway so i think i mentioned this before but a few weeks ago she mentioned taking herself (chronically ill) + her pregnant wife to paris at the beginning of december. on public transport. like i know no one gives a shit about covid anymore but long-term disability from it is really a gamble for the healthiest of people let alone people w/ her problems. they've both also had it before + negative outcomes do seem to stack the more infections you have

she brought this up, i could not stop myself from politely saying i thought this was a dreadful idea, ana backed me up and i also got a DM from dora thanking me for saying something (dora had previously told her not to come but didn't feel comfortable having th esame conversation a second time)

SHE HAS NOT SPOKEN TO US SINCE. she's privately started DMing all her hyperfixation bullshit to dora instead of the group chat + dora is like idk wtf to do with this either lol. like she's literally just totally stopped talking to me and ana AT ALL bc we politely told her we were worried for her health if she went to a huge city in the middle of winter LMAOOO like i know age / emotional maturity don't go together but like can you fucking believe she's nearly 40 + this was enough to apparently tank a 10y+ friendship???

if i wasn't already pretty much done w/ the friendship id be v hurt + offended that being like "hey we'd rather you didn't put yourself at risk here" was apparently evil enough to just totally cut off

[tsukkismoonlight]

helloooooo my friend. i feel like you already know everything about me BUT for the sake of this ask i’m gonna pretend you don’t. i’m 20 years old and i’m a college student (unfortunately:/). the plan rn is to go to law school. when i’m not at work i’m either with my friends or family, cheffing it up in the kitchen, working orrrr idk. you know the stuff i do.

for my matchup can i get tokyo rev or jjk??

you’re an angel <3

You stare at the letter for a few moments, wondering when it got there, as it wasn't there when you had left. You pick it up, and flop onto your bed, ready to see what it says…

Hehe hello friend !! You are absolutely right, I know just about all that I need to know ! ( less bitchin more kitchen lmaoo) you also do a lot of dancing, music or no music (better than my dance moves in general tho)

But anyways,, if I had to match you up with a JJK Character, i'd give you….

Gojo Satoru!!!

All around you, people filled the room, most of them just making small talk, trying to pass the time. All of them just waiting for their chance to even catch a glimpse of the mysterious King.

No one had ever really seen him, as he never had the time. A king with such high demand meant that he hardly ever made an appearance to his subjects.

Not that anyone cared, or thought of him as absent. He was their saviour after all. He had banished many of the demons that plagued this world, and brought back this country it's former glow.

You however, just wanted to leave. The dress you wore was tight, and itchy, your feet hurt from the heels, and you could hear the whispers about you.

You were the jewel of the ball, and all of the eyes on you were suffocating. But you had a role to fulfill, and a status quo to keep, even if it meant dancing with strangers, and having meaningless conversations.

It was then that a voice cut through your current conversation with some noble, "Excuse me for the intrusion, but I believe that i'm going to need a word with her highness,"

A sudden hush filled the room, and as you turned to see who stole the attention, your heart began to speed up in your chest.

It was him. King Gojo. Complete in a lavish suit, hair styled to prevent it from falling in his face, and a polite smile to go along with it. But what held your gaze, was his crystal colored eyes. They were mesmerizing, enticing and just beautiful.

Almost in a trance, you let the king whisk you away, finding a quiet spot on a balcony overlooking a dark and brooding ocean.

"The ball sure is something, isn't it?"

"Oh uh…yeah, it's surely going to be the talk of the town for quite some time," you pause, unsure how to approach the man, let alone figure out why he chose you of all the royalty in attendance.

The conversation is soft and slow, matching the lull of the waves below. Not that you mind, it's certainly a welcome change from the boring and repetitive ones you had while inside. In fact, you hardly notice as time passes, and how much you've spent just learning about the king, as he learns about you as well.

"You know, I don't think I caught your name,"

"That's because I have yet to tell you,"

He smirks, taking a moment to lean onto the railing of the balcony, staring out towards the horizon, "Well, are you going to indulge me?"

Something tells you that this night is going to be the first of many spent with the King, an idea that sends your heart racing. Out of everyone who seeks your time, he seems to be one that doesn't just want to know you for power, but for something more.

"Hm, next time." You turn away from the ocean scene, gazing at Gojo softly.

"Next time?"

"I will tell you my name next time,"

"I am already looking forwards to it,"

A little lockscreen for you

Thank you for joining friend !!! I hope you like it !! I expect a snap from you as soon as you see this <3 (and ty, i am an angel !! I am just so kind as ive always been)

[grasslandgirl]

MAYBE YOU ALREADY DID IT IDK BUT. SWEET TOOTH 👀

hiii benny beloved i meant to answer this ages ago, i'm assuming this ask is for the give me an au and i'll tell you 5 headcanons about it ask game ??? either way that's what youre getting skjfnbksfjb <33

not really a headcanon but i wrote the gorgug pov of sweet tooth verse BECAUSE i had a lot of tid bits/thoughts about gorgug's headspace/journey in the fic that you don't really see because of how clueless and obstinant fig is in her pov so i wrote a gorgug pov so i could share the lore in my head

so like i wanted to explore things that are established in the fig pov that you don't really get the follow through of- what happens to the sweatshirt she leaves behind in his appartment, what's the deal with the sunflowers gorgug ended up giving to lola, what does gorgug talk to jonah the intern about when fig thinks they're flirting, what is the context of gorgug writing lyrics and emailing lola but not fig about them, etc etc. those were all little questions that i knew the answers to while i was writing fig pov but couldn't really integrate in a way that felt natural, hence: gorgug pov

in my head, fig and gorgug only missed each other by like. mere minutes. like fig left pretty quickly after waking up alone and gorgug didn't take that long to run down to the corner store and if fig had been a little bit slower in running out, or gorgug had been a little faster in getting back to his building they would have run into each other in the hallways/elevator/lobby and both been like 😳 what. but they didn't! so they didn't <3 but alas what could have been.....

again not really a headcanon but some sweet tooth verse lore for you: the idea for the fic started with exchange between fig and gorgug where they both think they're being let down easily by the other, and fig says "it was a one time thing, right?"-- which is actually the original working title of the fic in my gdrive, before i decided to title it w a lyric from sweet tooth-- but that beat was the idea hook for the whole fic, both fig and gorgug terrified and certain that they're alone in their feelings and desire for more than a single night, and misunderstanding that the other person thinks it was a mistake, because both of them are too scared of further ruining their friendship to be honest about how they're feeling

i wanted to give fig a coffee order i felt was too sweet and objectively disgusting- caramel and peppermint- but ive since been informed that some people think that's a reasonable order to have. please get some help <3

bonus: a cutting room floor snippet i found while skimming back through the sweet tooth docs for lore/headcanons jfvksfnb; this was an alt ending to the fic, after they've reconciled. it didn't end up vibing the way i wanted it to, which is why i went with them making pancakes instead, but it's still a cute moment

“So…” Fig lightly punched him in the chest. “Take me out for dinner then, hot shot.” “Yeah?” “Yeah. Or… I kind of told Lola we were gonna work on a couple songs tonight, if you wanted? She told me about the lyrics you emailed her, so…” “Oh.” A blush crawled down Gorgug’s neck, and Fig had to fight the urge to tug his shirt off. To track his blush down his chest with her fingers, even though they were both still standing in the hall of his apartment building. “She told you about that?” “Yeah… is that okay? You don’t have to show me if you don’t want to. You’re allowed to write lyrics, too, you know.” “No, yeah, I know, it was just- more the content of the lyrics than the writing itself, you know?” Gorgug grinned at her, sheepish and fond, and the lightbulb of Fig’s heart burst with a flash. Gorgug had been writing a song for her. About her. Fig remembered the years of journals tucked under her bed, filled with sappy, heart sick lyrics. Almost every one of them, about Gorgug. “Yeah,” Fig ran her hands down Gorgug’s chest, catching one hand in hers. “I know what it’s like to write songs about someone and not being able to show them.” “What if I wanted to show you?” “I’ll show you mine if you show me yours?” “Gross,” Gorgug laughed. “Yeah.”

awww :)))

you can read the series in question, sweet tooth verse, here on ao3!

send me an au idea/ an au i've written and ill tell you five headcanons/ideas about it !!

[dandelion-eyelashes-sf]

Yeah but you cant use the “you owe ppl shit” when you have unspoken expectations that i never agreed to tf

Like this sucks, when ppl want something of you / from you that you already said and showed you cant give them

Like why tf were we friends then- if u wanted more?????? Just fuckin leave me alone

I still dont think you’re entitled, even tho my friends do

I think youre hurt and sad and angry and think that you are right/correct

Half a year may be long to you but its not to me

And also, we werent besties like that, where i would share deeply about my internal gpings on. You noticed and didnt think: hm, if its not reciprocated, then that means it wont be reciprocated. Instead you kept on probing. Like wtf u think u were gonna find??

I want to be rid of this anger and frustration— literally taking up so much mental space and energy

And it was all so unexpected cuz i thought we were good, i thought we were friends, i thought we were casual

I trusted you to be truthful about that and now youre hurt cuz u lied?

Even if i did think you were entitled, why would that be so bad?

It seems like ur un-happy and unsatisfied with anything i gave, so why tf were u here, then???

I accepted you as the person you are and i tried to accommodate your communication style

But you dont give me the same understanding when i goof and dont answer an invitation, like youre not my only friend and youre not my priority?????????? When did i say you were? When did i show you in my actions that you were????????

It was lopsided cuz you were more available, but when did i agree to be the same level of available? It was lopsided cuz i worked to understand you and accept, and you didnt.

What the fuck did u even like about me if all you wanted was me to do more, give more, reciprocate the ways you were showing attention?????

And then you say you got co-dependent tendencies. Like bro work on that shit and dont make it my problem.

Ive been tryna be compassionate and not dismiss your feeling but when i express mine you get all mad and hurt????

Just not the same and i dont wanna be friends no more. Idk if ur gonna wantto anyway. Which if u dont, then good- it saves us an awkward conversation where u want a friendship and i dont.

God cant do nothin w scorpios tf lol

Ok i think im good i think im ready to release this shit cuz its FUCKING RIDICULOUS

Fuccccck lol how did i end up here? Blind-sighted by this bullshit.

Anyway anyway i release it all (it may come back but itll be less and less each time)

Im frustrated and thats ok cuz it dont make sense

Im angry cuz I ACTUALLY WAS CONSISTENTLY SHOWING WHO AND HOW I AM AND WHAT I WANTED and she ignored that shit

I angry and hurt cuz i thought i had a friend but turns out she wanted more from me

And aint that typical - how do i avoid this situation in the future?

Im sad cuz it was fun while it lasted but not so sad to miss it or want it back

But as i reflect on my other friends who love me and know me and accept me and remind who i am and remind me im loved as i am, i realize that this friendship was never gonna end up at that level

Not with her pining for something that would never come, not with her ignoring my words about being casual, not her ignoring what tf i show her when i wasnt as available as her in any sense off the word, not with her tryna get me to open up and then asking if she makes me anxious and how can she make me more comfortable? Girl pls wake up to reality

The friends I instantly clicked with and the friends who grew into what we are , both types of friendships were borne out of mutual understanding and acceptance of who we are. Safety came from experience and time and showing up for each other/ letting each other in. Idk , you cant force that.

Anyway, this situation sucks but ive made up my mind that im outtie and im not gonna engage with anymore nonsense.

[alexisnotstraight]

a more personal rant than usual :/

if you would feel uncomfortable by knowing really personal stuff about me, dont read this :)

this is a little bit long and im sure has a lot of grammatical errors and shit like that, but i really dont have anyone to rant. also im sorry but this is gonna be maybe really depressing, not my usual happy, exclamation marks user :( sorry

tw for sh and suicidal thoughts

today i was going to go sleep at 12 pm as usual. i went to say goodnight to my mom and brother, i was so tired more mentally than physically tbh. i just said "this has been the worst couple of months of my whole life", my mom asked why and i told her that i didn't know, that i just felt really miserable. she went to the bathroom without really reacting to what i said. my brother stayed and sat beside me, i was already crying.

these last couple of months have been awful, i dont think i have ever felt so miserable in my entire life. i go to sleep wishing i was dead, i wake up in the middle of the night wishing i was dead, i then waste 13 hours consuming media to numb my brain from self destructive thoughts.

it got kinda better within a couple of days, still hating myself but more quietly this time, i have been struggling with self harm for the last couple of months, i did it every day for a while, then i got clean for a month, then i relapsed, then i got clean again, then i relapsed, then i got clean again, every time i spent less and less time clean. so i finally decided i wanted to leave it for good, no how hard it will be, i wanted to get clean.

before going to sleep today i started to unfortunately think again, my head realized that so i just thought to myself "oh, youre getting suicidal again, alex". thats when i realized how fucked up i am. no one should ever think "youre getting suicidal AGAIN", so when my brother sat in front of me i just started crying.

i never cry in front of him, i dont like to cry in front of people in general. if he sees me crying its because i saw some bad sad movie, nothing too personal. we dont talk a lot neither, if we talk its about business or some meaningless talk about cats or dr pepper. last time i hugged him it was early 2018, we're coworkers and we act like it.

i said i felt really miserable, he said that we all feel like that nowadays, i said ive been feeling like this since june. he was nice, he didn't make me feel stupid for having feelings or completely ignore me when i show some kind of negative emotion like my mom does. he is nice, i love him, i hope he knows that. he then took me to the store so i could go outside and have direct sunlight in me for the first time in weeks, i saw a goat.

i hope everything gets better, i really do. i want to get old, maybe be that weid uncle that has weird stories and knows way too much celebrity drama. maybe have kids at some point, idk this world is too fucked, im pretty sure i will die alone. well my kom told me that i will never die alone because i will never die. i still dont know how to feel about that. i want to have a life, be able to at least make it to 20.

i feels awful right now tho, i went to sleep every day wanting to be happy again. i dont wanna be happy anymore, i just wanna be okay.

the girl that used to be my best friend and i haven't talked since January 1st :/

we talked every day for 2 years but i always felt that the friendship was one sided, so the first day of 2024 i decided i will not be the first one to always reach out. she never texted me again. i really liked her, she was the only person i had to talk to. i came out as pansexual to her and since then things sstarted feeling weird, she didn't answer texts and was kinda cold when she did. when i was going through grief and just trying to deal with the really recent loss of someone i loved, she wasn't there. she explicitly told me she will be there if i needed anything, then proceeded to ignore all of my texts, i was crying every day non stop but after she didn't answer i thought that it maybe was because my sadness made her uncomfortable, so i just tried to be happier and fake to be my usual self for her, because i wanted to be happy, i didn't care if i was dying inside, as long as she didn't keave me everything will be okay. last night i realized shes actually bisexual, so if she started acting all weird on me it wasn't because of my sexuality, it was for me just being me i guess. i dont know how to feel about that. she was literally the only friend i had, i would've really liked having someone to talk to in these months.

grief hasn't been so bad lately, almost 10 months without him. it still feels like shit, i wish i could hear his voice again. i miss hearing him sing that stupid love song i hated so much. i tried looking for a video of him, see if someone had posted something after he died. nothing. i haven't heard his voice in 9 months, every day im going a little bit more insane. i dreamed about him a couple of days ago, i told him goodbye, i hugged him and kissed his cheek, he told me everything will be okay. i want to believe him so bad.

i hope everything gets better, i have been clean for a couple of days now, i dont know how many, i dont like keeping count it just makes me want to relapse more than i already want to. ive been trying to drink more water, i haven't been eating that much, i mostly eat once at day. i still somehow managed to gain weight, a pair of pant that i didn't want to wear last month because they were too big for me and always feel now fit me like a glove. i dont know how to feel about that neither.

anyways, I'll try to be happy. i know once i come out my mom wont accept me. im broke and not old enough to move out, so im trying to save money to move when i finally get the change. i know thats when i will be happier. so now im just trying to enjoy the time i have left with my mom.

i hope everything gets better, i really do

[consistent-self-destruction]

oh wow, the last time i posted was basically exactly a year ago lol.

well both a lot and nothing's changed much, i'm back to b emo again so that alone should say enough without saying anything

if anything things have gotten WORSE lmfao, i'm literally not supposed to be here right now but unfortunately the attempt fucking failed

nobody tells you how embarrassing that is - how did you fail at everything INCLUDING trying to kill yourself LMFAO, LIKE DAMN YOU REALLY CANT WIN

okay im being silly to cope but idk. when i got in touch with my counselor after it happened, she asked how much i wanted to be alive here on a scale from 1-10, with 10 being i literally wanna die right now in this instant, and 1 being miraculous healing and lifetime peace. the first day after i told her 8.5. three days later i said 3. it's a few weeks later now, and ive realized that my answer to the question has been sliding up and down everyday.

this is not even what i wanna talk about, i don't know how i ended up talking about that lol. anyway actually wait ANOTHER sb but artists im obsessed with rn: ka$hdami and 6arelyhuman okay moving on now ummm im trying so hard to be a 1 on that scale and maintain optimism and hope but like things keep going wrong and everything keeps irritating me and i genuinely feel like shit and i dont want to feel like shit because freaking 2014 just started, the year just started but unfortunately i am not optimistic about this year at all - i can't predict what will happen or how it will go or feel, everything is uncertain and im tired of being so unsure and incapable and it makes me want to leave earth because it's all just so tiring and now im just rambling hhhhh

to gather my thoughts coherently.. im bleeding out my fucking gooch. my charger is broken and wont charge my phone unless it's at an angle. my back camera is broken, my phone's been having storage issues, i don't feel pretty these days, i don't know what to do with my hair, it's freaking cold as hell in my house, i've got a sore throat, the only bathroom in the house with a bathtub has cold water so i can't take any soothing baths which is one of the best parts of being home, my sleep schedule is entirely in reverse, and i just feel so energetically exhausted. the house is a mess and my room is cluttered and my mom wants me to take down the christmas decorations, and i WANT to because cleaning makes me feel productive but i just don't have the stamina or ENERGY, like i feel physically sick and unwell and irritated and run down and incapable and i hate it so much, why is 2024 already off to the worst. and that's just in the present tense. in the future tense, like i said i am not optimistic about this year at all. i anticipate it being a really really difficult year and it makes me wanna cry because i don't wanna do it but i know i need to. you know how they say you have to get through the storm to see the other side? or some shit like that idfk, i dont wanna go through the storm! im so tired of the rain im so tired of being cold im so tired of goosebumps and anxiety and uncertainty and all of it !!!!!!! i've been trying to find my way through a storm for YEARS and it has not let up ONCE. i want to stop but i tried doing that and the universe just took me off pause and made me keep going, why couldn't they just let me join the stars. it would've been so much easier.

instead i have to stay here and try my best to heal and recover and work around my issues but i just can't imagine it, i can't imagine getting better i just don't see it. i can daydream about a version of myself that's better and stronger all i want, but i know in my heart that she'll never exist because i've been trying to be her for years and i just can't get there. i keep falling short. i keep failing. i keep taking L after L after L and im just. so. tired. i don't want to try anymore.

it's not always like this. sometimes there will be something that motivates me and makes me feel inspired to live again. but it always passes by and i come back to these feelings and this state. i keep falling back into this hole and it's such an exhausting up and down and back and forth.

the reason im here being emo again is i just feel like i can't talk to anyone about this. usually when i come back to this freaking blog that's the case. i always come back here when i have feelings that i need to release but i dont feel comfortable sharing with anyone. i don't wanna say anything on my spam because i don't want anyone to see all this negativity and darkness in me, and i don't want my close friends and innocent people to be randomly laden with this kind of depressing energy just as the year FRESH started and they're only casually scrolling their feed. you know what i mean? i hate scrolling my feed and seeing depressing shit. i don't wanna do that to my friends. i want peace and good vibes and good energy and a clean refreshing start to the year for them. i want them to be happy. i dont wanna post on my spam something that will gut their heart out, bring their mood down, and make them see me different. and it's the same with my best friend. not so much the last part cause they already know all these sides of me. and that is really relieving. but the only reason why i hold back from telling them this right now is because of the first reason - the year just started. they don't need this energy. we've already been having realtalks that are depressing enough. they dont need me calling them and texting them every time i feel depressed and manic and lost - that would be so shitty and i hate people who do that. it's energy stealing and self-centered. and for obvious reasons i don't talk to my family about these things. so i am left with this silly little blog, my beautiful void. oh how i love speaking into the void. it gives the illusion of speaking to someone without actually speaking to anyone. it's a perfect release.

but yeah idk, long story short im on my period, im sick with a sore throat, freezing in my house, feeling ugly and tired and incapable and irritated, with an inability to find optimism for the future and worst of all NO HOES! <;/3333

dude.. no because my love life is an entirely different type of pain. it's so... dude.

in the very least, i should be starting long-term therapy this year. that's the plan at least. my counselor gave me some recommendations, offices to call, and i have my dad's support. i'm gonna call in the numbers either tomorrow or thursday. i say this as "in the least" because even though i know it's supposed to be helpful, im not too optimistic about it. i don't like how many times i've used that word smfh. but im not - i don't really look forward to opening up about my 5 billion issues to a complete stranger. i have a hard enough time with the idea of how people perceive me. when i first started having sessions with my counselor, it really did not help because i didn't open up to her in the way i was supposed to. i told her surface level shit and sugar coated things instead of telling her the important things. im worried im only going to do that again. i don't like people seeing the worst of me - even when im PAYING them to see that side of me and when i NEED to show that side of me in order to FIX it. rahhhhhh. i also don't really look forward to it because i just see it as something large and overwhelming and unsolvable. my mental health that is. i don't look forward to tackling it in therapy. for only once a week? with that rate it's gonna take YEARS for me to figure myself out. and not only do i not have that kind of time, but it sounds so frustrating - slow agonizing progress, if any progress is made at all. im in such a pessimistic mood right now and i'm really not always like this - but this is also just the logical side of my brain. i just don't see it working out. i want it to. i want it to work badly - that's why we're going to try it. but i still am not optimistic about what the outcome will be and i am more daunted by the emotional and mental energy it will take out of me. i am second guessing if i should do school at the same time as therapy. i don't think any of this will go well. i only see myself getting consumed by things all over again - losing energy and motivation and time and getting depressed when everything goes wrong again. i think i might just also be scared by the process of healing. healing itself is not scary - but the process is terrifying. i don't trust it. i don't know if it will work. every time i thought i was healing i was just spiraling into a new unknown. the process of healing sounds so energetically draining, it sounds so deceptive, it sounds so emotionally torturing, it sounds fake, and it sounds incredibly time consuming and i already am NOT in time's favor. so i guess that's why i am not optimistic about this year - because i already know what the theme is. i already know what my focus is. this year for me, is all about healing and learning myself better. learning how to overcome my worst habits, my worst thoughts and emotions, and navigate situations that trigger them. this year is intended to be the year i start therapy. the year i put my mental health in the spotlight after years of trying to navigate it and figure it out on my own. i know the fact that im going to have professional support and guidance is supposed to be encouraging, but im so focused on the fact that there is so MUCH i need support and guidance with - and i need to tackle all of it once a week.. while in school... engaging with the very environment that deeply triggers me as i try not to be triggered, figure out ways around being triggered, SUCCEED at not getting triggered so i can therefore succeed in my academic environment, AND also figure out ways to make money on my own on the side. and that's not even going into deeper detail. idk, i just have so many needs to meet, and a billion things on my mind - obligations, responsibilities, needs, and they're all scrambled up in this big black scribble in my brain that's so thick i can hardly see through to the other side. and i don't like that blockage. i don't like that lack of foresight and clarity. i don't like the uncertainty. it makes me nervous and hesitant and resistant. i want to resist this year and this life so badly.

but all in all im just so tired. as always. it never goes away. the rage and frustration and exhaustion it just never goes away and i just really want a long long hug and a nice backrub.

please.

- 1.3.24 | 1:05 AM -