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askinkiskarma · 2 years ago

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Illicit Affairs | Chapter IX: Seven

Pairing: Neteyam x Human/Avatar!Reader

Chapter I Chapter II Chapter III Chapter IV Chapter V Chapter VI Chapter VII Chapter VIII Chapter X

Synopsis: As your life comes to an end, someone you never thought you'd see again helps both you and Neteyam navigate your past and future.

Warnings: pure angst, mentions of death, mental illness, addiction, self-injury, no mentions of Y/N, cursing, some fluff, a lot of crying, like too much crying honestly

Word Count: 9,3k words

A/N: The second to last chapter is here, and with it also comes the beginning of the end. I am honestly so sad at the thought of this series finishing, I have spent every minute of my life thinking and living in it, and I am not ready for it to end (wink wink). This chapter was the most emotionally draining piece of writing I have ever done, but I am so happy with the way it turned out. I hope you like it, and that you find some comfort in this story, the way I found comfort in writing it and sharing it with you. I am so so excited about the last chapter, and I will start writing it right away. As always, thank you so much for engaging with my work and for all the support, I loved reading your comments and asks so so much, they make my life honestly. (Pls listen to seven by TS when reading this, I think it will enhance the experience x also jake saying babygirl does things to me ok byee x )

“Please, picture me in the trees, I hit my peak at seven Feet, in the swing over the creek, I was too scared to jump in Please picture me in the weeds, before I learnt civility I used to scream ferociously any time I wanted ...Are there still beautiful things?”

Neteyam left the clearing with so much anger it could be mined as a new energy source. He couldn’t believe this, couldn’t believe you. He was losing you, over and over, and now will lose you permanently. His heart bled so much, he didn’t think he could make it back to the village in the state he was in. He spent the last month of his life, the last month of your life, training you, ignoring his feelings for you, having dinner with another woman, when he should have been loving you, helping you heal and checking in on your human form, that he spent his whole life with and then abandoned for your Avatar. You took everything from him by keeping this a secret. His whole life, his future, the chance at any happiness or hope or trust in loved ones. He would never forgive you for this. You robbed him of everything and your death will bring his own, maybe not physical, but spiritual and emotional.

He didn’t want to go back to the village, couldn’t go back to the village. He couldn’t hear it, couldn’t hear them talking about you, about your death, he couldn’t see them cry and mourn, for the woman he will love as long as his beating heart was still pumping blood, and not die, not collapse due to the overbearing weight of his broken soul. There was only one place he thought to go, only one place he might find any semblance of peace: Vitraya Ramunong, the Tree of Souls.

Norm and the Sullys were still in the tent, discussing ways to get you to accept the consciousness transfer, brainstorming every possible idea, even thinking of literally tying you to a bed and pumping you with the drugs that they knew would buy you, buy them some more time to change your mind. They all jumped at the screech that came from just outside their tent, and Jake got his gun resting by his side and saw the rest of his family arming themselves with bows and knives at the ominous sound. When they made it outside, they were shocked to see your ikran, a beautiful beast, batting her wings aggressively and hissing in their direction.

“What is it, girl?” Jake said, approaching her carefully and petting her head gently. The ikran opened her mouth and took Jake’s hand in hers, which elicited a furious reaction from Neytiri, to which Jake raised his other hand in a calming gesture.

“She’s not hurting me, she’s pulling me away, towards the lab. I think she’s trying to tell us something.”

His heart dropped at the thought of what could your ikran be wanting to show them so ardently, so urgently. He has never seen such behaviour from a banshee, and he realises painfully how much of an imprint you have made on this world, on life all around you. He wishes this world would have made as much of an impact on you, maybe if it had, you wouldn’t want to leave it so soon.

Jake got on the banshee without making the bond, and she immediately took off.

“Take the Ikrans or Pa’li and hurry to the lab, I have a really bad feeling.”

The last thing he saw is his entire family calling for their animals, the hurry and desperation enveloping all of them like a warm, suffocating blanket.

The banshee landed in a small clearing with a river source in the middle of it. It was a beautiful place that Jake has somehow never stumbled through before, but he couldn’t think about it too much when another, more urgent matter caught his eye. A small and fragile frame, motionless on the ground.

“KID!” He jumped from the back of the ikran like it was lava, and ran as quickly as he possibly could, kneeling on the ground next to you. His face immediately went to your masked one, trying to see if he could spot breathing. Two fingers rushed to your throat, looking for a pulse he couldn’t feel.

“Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck, don’t do this to me, baby girl. Come on, please.”

He removed your mask and starting giving you CPR, his two hands wrapped around each other in firsts as he rhythmically compressed your chest in the spot right on top of your heart. Thirty compressions, two breaths, thirty compressions, two breaths. He was trying so hard to remain calm and collected, but his mind was screaming with the image of you on the ground, dead or dying, he still didn’t know, alone, and he felt tears pool in his eyes. You have been alone for such a long time, and he was right: he never tried to understand what you must have been going through, how hard this life must have been for you on this planet your body didn’t belong on, with a soul so bright and wild that was continuously tamed by the fury of your own destiny, with which you battled your whole existence. Losing your mum changed you, finding your dad in the woods broke your spirit, and losing Neteyam took away the last shred of happiness you had, and they watched. He watched, unknowing and ignorant. He will never forgive himself if you died here, in his arms.

He was continuing the CPR when his eyes snapped at something moving above his head. Jake stopped the chest compressions at the sight. Atokirina, dozens of them, floating down gently and peacefully until they reached your body, where they settled for a few seconds, before they all took flight again concomitantly. Jake thought that was a good sign, and, in a desperate attempt to add on to Eywa’s efforts, he brought up his fingers together in a fist, and with all his might, hit your unmoving chest, saying a silent prayer in his mind as he did so.

With wide eyes and laboured breaths, Jake saw the small girl he’s known since she was born come back to life with a violent gasp. You immediately started coughing breathlessly, and Jake put your mask back over your face. He pressed a button and allowed you to take a few short, pained breaths. He felt relief wash all over him, but he knew he needed to go; you weren’t breathing properly, and he saw your face slowly turning purple.

“It’s okay, baby girl. You’re going to be okay.”

With very little effort, Jake lifted you from the ground and carried you in his arms, running as fast as he could do without disturbing you even further. He couldn’t help wince as he was looking at your body, so weak and feeble, so different than the one he remembered. How did this happen? How did Norm and Max allow this?

He made it to the lab shortly, and saw the whole family waiting for him there. Lo’ak, Kiri and Tuk all let out a shocked gasp at your lifeless form residing in Jake’s arms, but he couldn’t think about that now, he couldn’t worry about anything other than making sure you will survive this.

Norm and Max let him in with their keycards and motioned hurriedly in the direction of the medical ward. He knew where to go, having been there a few times with soldiers who were sick, as well with his own kids when they got illnesses the Tsahik couldn’t cure. He hurried past all the hallways and entered and put you down as gently as he possibly could. Norm and Max burst through the door, getting all sorts of instruments and machines ready that Jake couldn’t name with a gun to his head. He silently got out of the way, and let them do what they did best.

He got out of the room and grabbed Tuk in his arms, holding her tightly when she nuzzled her head in his neck and started silently sobbing.

“What is going on?” Kiri, one of your best friends in the whole world, your sister, asked through shaky breaths and hushed cries.

“Ma 'ite…” Neytiri said softly, hugging her kids close to her chest.

“She’s sick, isn’t she? Like the people in the village?”

“Yes, my sweet child.”

“But those people died.” Tuk said in between high pitched whimpers.

Jake and Neytiri exchanged a knowing, sorrowful look, and tightened their grip on their children.

Neteyam found the Tree of Souls to be deserted, as most Na’vi would be gone hunting or preparing for the upcoming war this time of day, or just taking shelter from the rain that has been pouring for days with no seeming intention of stopping. He knelt on the ground and peered up at the bright pink and purple tendrils of the sacred willow, taking in the beauty that he is yet to get over, even after coming here his whole entire life. A pained cry escaped his lips at the realisation he will never be able to show this to you. From the second he saw your Avatar body, dreams invaded his subconscious mind, dreams of when you would finally become one of the people, dreams of your soft hair bouncing on your beautiful back while you ran beneath the tree, dreams of his finally being able to make you his, the way he has wanted for so long. You were supposed to become one of the people, you were supposed to be his, his mate and the mother of his children, his Tsahik, the best Tsahik this clan had ever seen. How the fuck was he supposed to come to terms with this heartbreak, how was he ever supposed to be the same person again? You were in his life from the moment you were born. You were born just a couple of months apart, as if Eywa couldn’t wait any longer to join two souls who were meant to be. He couldn’t remember a day in his life when you weren’t there - even if not physically, you were always in his life, in his mind, your light forever permeated through every cell in his body. You were the only fact of life he was sure of, how was he supposed to live without you?

“I have another quote that reminds me of you, though.”

Patting the spot next to you, you signalled for him to lie down. He did, although his legs were completely off the bed, the tiny contraption barely able to accommodate his torso. You let out a small laugh, but seemed happy to have him so close.

You placed your head on his chest, and he prayed you couldn’t hear the way his heart felt like it was trying to escape his chest at your proximity and warmth. You opened the book and looked for the quote.

“Ah, there is it.” You cleared your throat, then continued. “He is more myself than I am. Whatever our souls are made of, his and mine are the same.”

“I like that.” He felt bashful at your admission of how you viewed him. You were always braver than him when it comes to your feelings. You never said them out right, but you always gave enough proof through moments like these, when you would sing a song, or read him a section of a book you thought resonated with you.

“Read more. Is there anything else in that book that reminds you of us?”

You blushed, but flipped through more pages. You have him a knowing look, and read from the book you gripped on so tightly your knuckles turned white.

“My great miseries in this world have been Heathcliff's miseries, and I watched and felt each from the beginning: my great thought in living is himself. If all else perished, and he remained, I should still continue to be; and if all else remained, and he were annihilated, the universe would turn to a mighty stranger: I should not seem a part of it. My love for Linton is like the foliage in the woods: time will change it, I'm well aware, as winter changes the trees. My love for Heathcliff resembles the eternal rocks beneath: a source of little visible delight, but necessary.”

He couldn’t help think of that quote, and how deeply you both felt for each other, how this world is dull and senseless, meaningless and bleak without the other. “If all else perished, and he remained, I should still continue to be; and if all else remained, and he were annihilated, the universe would turn to a mighty stranger”. He never quite understood the magnitude of this quote until today, when he stared at your dying body, until he was here, kneeling under the Tree of Souls, knowing soon you might not be part of his universe anymore, willing to beg Eywa until his knees bleed for another chance, for one more try.

“Great Mother,” he starts as he reaches for the queue and brings it to one of the tendrils he was softly grasping in his hand, “I need your help. I’m begging you for help.”

His queue wraps around the mauve willow branch and he inhales faintly at the bond, as he is transported across dimensions, to another plane of being, higher than any living thing had access to except in this way.

He woke up in the last place he thought he would, the lab. The damn lab, with its white, too-white walls and a smell that always burned his nostrils and a coldness that he would never get used to, no matter how many days he has spent here in his life. Without you in it, it was unnatural and unwelcoming, and he didn’t want to be here a second longer than he needed to.

“Ma 'itan.” he heard a voice call out to him from inside one of the rooms, and he made his way slowly towards it, feet hurting from the biting temperature of the smooth tiles. He passed a mirror that was hung on one of the walls, and was startled to see himself in it, only it appeared more like a window to the past, as the face looking back at him was young, no older than 10.

He continued on, and eventually reached it. It was dark, except the light from a computer screen and one desk lamp gently illuminating the room. Sat on a chair was a woman, beautiful and elegant, with light curly hair that reached her torso and kind features, that reminded him so much of her daughter, so much so that it made his heart constrict in pain.

“Neteyam, my boy, it’s so good to see you!”

“Auntie Jo?”

“You’ve grown so much, ma 'itan. You’ve become a handsome young man.”

“Auntie Jo, what’s going on? Why am I here?”

“You’ve come to ask for help from the Great Mother. The Great Mother doesn’t take sides, son, you know that. She protects only the balance of life.”

“Yes, and her life hangs in the balance. I need Eywa to help, I need Eywa to save her, because her life has never been balanced. There’s never been anything fair about her life, and this second chance is the balance. It’s what she deserves, a lifetime of happiness to make up for all the hurt the Universe has put her through.”

“I see you are still my daughter’s angel, even after all this time. You always took care of her, from when you were both babies. We used to put you in the same crib and you would go to sleep holding hands. You both used to cry whenever it was time for us to return to the lab. Eventually, we had to give you a piece of clothing of the other, so you could sleep peacefully through the night. I always knew you were supposed to end up together. It’s part of the reason I worked so hard to decode the Avatar for her.”

“She’s dying. She’s dying and there’s nothing I can do! I need you to help me save her, I need to do something, I need something to stop the way it feels like I’m being ripped apart at every seam in my body. I have never known such pain, I never knew it was possible for a body to hurt so badly from a wound that doesn’t even exist.”

The woman rose from the chair and took Neteyam in her arms, allowing him to place his head on her shoulders and cry. Neteyam tightened his arms around her and held her, crying, releasing all the grief he was feeling for his love, for his future, for her.

“If you feel it, son, then it exists. If you feel her, then she exists, and she will exist forever. In truth, there is nothing any of us can do, except love her and be there for her. My daughter has grown so much, and so much grief grew along with her. And she learnt how to let grief grow until it is so big it cannot be contained within her body from me. But there’s still time for her to grow, too. Grow bigger than the grief. She needs you, Neteyam. She needs you to be her light one last time. She needs you right now. You should go before it’s too late.”

Neteyam woke up like from a dream and removed his queue from the tree so quickly it hurt him and he felt the pain travel all the way to the tip of his toes. It didn’t matter, he thought. He could be scalped right now and he would still be calling his ikran with enough might to wake up the entire forest. As soon as she arrived at the foot of the tree, he got on her and motioned for her to take off, no other thoughts than the words your mother uttered echoing in his ears. I need to get to the lab, fuck, I hope I’m not too late. I can’t be too late. It can’t be too late.

He completely spaced out until he reached the lab, so it was like he blinked and he was there. He saw your ikran next to the entrance of the lab and felt his pulse quicken so fast he almost fell off his own with how faint it made him. He knocked on the door forcefully and incessantly until Lo’ak came and opened it. His baby brother’s eyes were red and damp and he looked sick and tired; Neteyam couldn’t remember the last time he has ever seen Lo’ak in this state - he didn’t think he ever had. The lump that formed in Neteyam’s throat stopped him from speaking, and he looked at his brother with desperation laced on every feature, silently pleading to be put out of his misery.

“She collapsed outside the lab. She was in a clearing a few minutes from here. Her ikran came to the village and took dad to where she was, and he brought her here.”

Lo’ak started crying again, bringing a hand to his face to hide himself, and Neteyam took him in his arms and hugged him.

“She was dead, bro. Dad said she was dead. Her heart stopped and he managed to start it back up again, but she has been in the room with Norm and Max for a while, she won’t wake up. She’s been sick for a month and we didn’t know. I didn’t know!”

Neteyam let Lo’ak cry it out, feeling his own hurt being pushed aside at the sight of his baby brother needing a shoulder to cry on. He couldn’t be weak when his family needed him.

Eventually they made their way down the corridor until they reached the rest of their family, and he saw it, saw you, and it immediately made his sick. He’s struggled to keep down whatever food he still had in his system at the terrorising sight - you, lying on a white framed bed, unconscious, with tubes coming in and out of you, so many tubes he was losing count. He saw the tubes coming out of machines that were beeping, and one of them was removing blood from your body and then pushing it back in, and Neteyam felt weak in the knees taking it all in.

FIVE STAGES OF GRIEF STAGE IV: BARGAINING

You woke up in a daze, feeling heavy and numb, like that one time you were 16 and you took one too many sleeping pills and you needed 3 days to ride out the consequences. You frowned deeply at the bright artificial lights that were bearing down on you, and you realised you were in the medical ward of the hub. You faintly heard the ECG machine beeping, and you knew at least you weren’t dead yet. You don’t know how much time it’s been, the last thing you remember is Neteyam turning his back on you in the clearing.

“You’re a coward…”

You felt your heart hurt, although the pain was not physical, it wasn’t an arrhythmia or fibrillation or asystole, it was worse. It was a kind of pain you can’t fix with some pills or a defibrillator or some epinephrine to restart the heart. It didn’t work that way. This pain you would have to ride out, have to hope it will pass in time.

He was right. You were a coward, have been your whole life. There was no point denying it any longer, no point hiding behind a facade of eye rolls and straight faces. You killed yourself slowly and painfully, for years - taking pills, taking too many pills, ignoring the pleas from your mind that told you it was slowly losing focus, that couldn’t handle pain as well anymore, that couldn’t sleep unless it was practically mush by the time your head hit the pillow. You told yourself it was unfortunate that you got the virus, that you hated it and that you were working for cure, but in reality you were kind of relieved when it happened. Because now you had an excuse, and you didn’t have to do any of the heavy lifting yourself.

You were a coward, refusing to get help or let yourself be loved, let yourself be mourned, because you didn’t want to deal with it. You refused to tell Neteyam, the man who has loved you and been your rock your whole life, who, despite everything that went on between you, would always be yours, and who you knew would suffer immensely because of your passing, because you didn’t want to suffer with him. You didn’t tell Norm and Max, because you knew they would make you get help, and try to get you to heal and stay alive longer, and you didn’t want that. You didn’t tell Jake or Neytiri, or the kids, because no parent or sibling should have to watch their kid, their sister die, and you thought by pushing them away and blaming them for Neteyam’s indiscretion, you would be able to soften the blow. But most of all, you didn’t tell them because you didn’t want to know that people do love you, would suffer because of you, that your death impacted lives around you. You didn’t need the guilt.

Nobody was paying attention to you, you realised. You briefly saw Norm and Max hurrying around you out of the corner of your eye, and saw a dialysis machine retrieving your blood through a tube coming from your neck. You were going into multiple organ failure, you deduced. Your heart and lungs were shot, your kidneys were shot, you didn’t have much time left.

You wanted to speak, you wanted to scream for Neteyam, for all of them, and apologise. You knew what it meant to lose people, better than most. You were sorry for knowing you will put these people you loved so much through so much pain. You were sorry things turned out like this, that you weren’t stronger, that your heart was so broken it found comfort in the pain and was too scared to heal. The tube coming out of your mouth didn’t allow for that. You felt tears falling from your eyes and then slowly the heaviness taking over, pushing your eyelids shut, and the last thing you heard was the unmistakable sound of a flatline, and screams all around you.

You woke up dazed, needing a few second to take in your surroundings. You had no idea where you were, it isn’t a place you have ever seen before. You looked, trying to accommodate to the light shining brightly from an orb in the sky, and when you couldn’t see Polyphemus and its moons in the sky, you knew you were no longer on Pandora. It took a while, but you eventually realised you were on Earth. You turned around, taking in all of your surroundings, and felt amazed at the unfamiliar new sights. In front of you stood a house. On the smaller side (you thought, based on all the Hollywood movies you’ve seen), with a blue paintcoat and surrounded by a short brown fence, it had flowers you were fascinated by and shrubbery surrounding it, giving it an unkept look - you loved it. It was not like the houses you have seen in the movies, perfect and artificial, with human precision to ruin what Mother Earth put there for a reason. Behind you were paved roads, but nobody was around. There were no other houses, the one in front of you solitary and quiet, except for a rhythmic sound you could hear from somewhere behind it, although you could not place it, as the house was on a little hill.

You made your way towards the entrance quietly, and were pleasantly surprised when the little fence opened at your slightest push, so you continued through the cobblestone path, until you were standing face to face with a white door. You felt yourself curiously knocking on it, hoping someone could let you in and explain to you what was going on, why were you here, what was this place? Was this the afterlife? Were you in heaven?

After waiting a few minutes at the door with no answer, you touched the handle and pressed gently, surprised again when it opened to you. You felt a strange smell envelop you, it was a completely new olfactory experience than you have ever had, and you realised you loved it - it was a rich and warm smell, and you had to swallow as it seemed to trigger hunger in your system. The room you were in was a little claustrophobic, but you couldn’t help thinking if was homely and snug and felt a strange familiarity as you walked through the dimly lit narrow hallway. Right by the entrance to the right was a brighter, doorless room that probably served as a library once - the walls were covered in thick mahogany shelves filled to the brim with colourful books, and a beautiful dark brown desk was placed in the middle of it, with a fuzzy looking carpet adorning the wooden floors. Further in the hallway, frames with photos of people you couldn’t really place were decorating the blue walls and you smiled taking them all in. A photo of 3 people at the beach, a family, you noted, a photo in a beautiful location somewhere in the mountains, a photo of a dad carrying a small girl on his back, both of them laughing widely - all so beautiful, so intimate. On one of the images was scribbled something that caught your attention. It was an image of a girl, young and beautiful, with light and wavy hair and holding what you knew from movies to be a graduation gown, throwing her cap in the air. The handwritten note on it said “Our little Marj graduating summa cum laude at only 18! - Johns Hopkins, June 2123.”

Shocked, you removed the frame from the wall and looked at it closer. Your mum. This was your mum’s house, the house she grew up in as a child. What were you doing here? What was happening to you? You held on to the picture as you moved through the house that eventually opened into a big and brightly lit room, that served as both the kitchen and the living room. In the corner of the room lay a beautiful grand piano and a few guitars, all on stands. Through the big windows and the door that opened to the backyard, you saw a large body of water, and you realised the noises you were hearing earlier were waves, crashing on the sandy beach. You have never seen anything like it and couldn’t help stare for a while, just taking in the beauty of this world you never thought you would be able to experience for yourself. You found yourself picking up one of the guitars on the stand that you knew was your mum’s, since it was the same one you have…. had on Pandora, and opened the door to the outside, slowly walking towards the open sea.

You frowned as you made your way through the fine warm sand at all these new experiences and sensations you have never had before, and the frown deepened at a blanket on the ground, almost inviting you to sit down, almost as if it was laid out for you. Feeling safe and blissful in this new world you now inhabited, you allowed yourself to do as you were silently bid.

You loved the malleable feeling of the sand as you stretched your legs and noticed it moved to accommodate your body. The blanket was soft, and you felt inspired to pick up the guitar and tune it, strumming it gently. You couldn’t believe what was happening to you, the fact that you were here, on Earth, in your mum’s childhood home. You didn’t know what to think, but you thought that if this is death, maybe it wasn’t so bad after all.

“My love.”

That voice. Your breathing and hands both stopped to bring you to a dead still. Your eyes immediately filled with tears that spilled like effortless waterfalls, a visceral reaction to a voice you never thought you’d ever hear again. Your head snapped in the direction of the voice so quickly it gave you whiplash, but you didn’t care. Nothing else mattered in this life but this voice.

“Mum??” You got up to your feet as rapidly as your human body could handle and ran in the arms of the woman you loved more than anything in this world, more than life itself. You were sobbing as you removed yourself form her arms, touching her face with your hands, touching her arms, making sure she was real, that she was here.

“Oh my God, baby, it’s ok, I’m right here.”

She was trying to calm you down enough so you could utter a word, but you couldn’t, you couldn’t stop wailing, couldn’t stop your body expelling so many tears you completely soaked the top of her t-shirt.

Slowly, she moved you to where you were sat just a few minutes ago, and you were a blubbering mess, unable to utter a single syllable to this woman you have spoken enough to fill out novels in your dreams, in your thoughts, in your soul.

“You’re alright, my love. Everything’s alright.” She was removing tears as they fell from your eyes with her palm, gently cupping your face and smiling at you, with enough warmth you knew it could power up this whole world if she let it.

Eventually, you found your voice. “Mum, what is this? How are you here? Am I dead?”

She laughed at your barrage of questioning, remembering fondly how you have always been such a curious cat, always had so many questions for her, relentless in your quest for knowledge.

“You’re with Eywa, my love. We’re with Eywa. And no, you are not dead yet.”

“Yet?”

“Yes, baby. It seems Eywa is not quite done with you yet.”

“What does the Great Mother want from me?”

“I think she wants you to make a choice, baby.”

“I’ve already made my choice.”

“I don’t think you have, my love.”

You thought about her words for a while. You thought you made your choice. I mean, you were here, weren’t you? Dead. Or in purgatory, one of the two, but still, not alive. You thought about your life. About your beautiful mother sitting in front of you, and the moment she gave her last breath to the world. Her funeral, rain pouring over you like the endless sorrow that hasn’t left you since. You thought about how hard it was to sleep at night, how the nightmares never stopped, how the sadness became a confidant you knew you could never shake - you knew you didn’t want to shake. You thought about your dad - the guilt you felt because of him, his actions, his murders, how they haunted you in dark corridors, how the Na’vi people cursed you in your dreams and told you you were a demon, just like he was. You thought about his body in the woods, his exo-suit that he left a few steps behind, and how you couldn’t walk barefoot after that. You thought about the pills, your only friends, the only cure for your debilitating insomnia. You thought about your sleep paralysis demons, crawling on top of you and sitting on your chest until you couldn’t breathe anymore, watching you scream and laughing at you mockingly, how they always looked like you, how they were just a dark, cursed version of yourself, the you you knew you looked like in your soul. You thought about Neteyam leaving - the last straw, the one that left you irreparably broken, the one that skinned you alive and left you for dead.

You thought you made your choice.

“I miss you, ma. So much.” The crying never stopped, but you held her hand and tried to revel in the feeling, in knowing she was here and you were with her. Even if you weren’t sure about your choice before, you were when you looked into her bright and caring eyes. “I just found you, I can’t lose you again.”

“I miss you, too, bunny. I have kept an eye on you for almost 9 years, everyday regretting not fighting harder to be in your life.”

You frowned at her words. “You fought hard, ma. Your death was a tragedy, but it was unavoidable.”

“Maybe.”

“What do you mean maybe?”

“I mean I fell in the same bad patterns as you did, bunny. I could have asked Mo’at for the transfer, but I didn’t. Just like you didn’t. It hurts me so much to see you make the same mistakes as I did. I love you so much, and I wish I could have healed enough in life to not bestow on you this grief. I wish I could have been braver and stronger, I wish I could have asked for help when I felt like the world was caving in on itself on top of me. Maybe if I did, then you wouldn’t be here.

When your dad died, most of me died along with him. Having to have and raise you by myself was the toughest thing I have ever had to brave. And I’d like to think I did a good job, and it was easy enough, because you were the best baby anyone’s ever had, but inside I was screaming. Every night was hell and I struggled with surviving for the rest of my life. When the cancer came, I was terrified to leave you, I was terrified of knowing you would have to be in this world alone, but selfishly, I was relieved. Because the hurt would finally stop. Mo’at, Jake, Neytiri, Norm, Max, everyone tried to get me to accept the consciousness transfer, but I didn’t. Because it was my consciousness that was killing me slowly. A new body wasn’t going to change that.”

You were reeling at the confession, finding it hard to keep breathing, hard to keep going, even in death. Was there no peace? Were you never going to be at peace? You felt so sad at her words, so angry at her admitting she didn’t let you in, that she abandoned you without fighting as hard as she possibly could to heal, to stay alive for you. She lied about being happy, about you being everything she ever needed, she died without even trying the consciousness transfer. How could she ever d-

You gasped in shock at the realisation.

“What, was I supposed to find you dead one day and that was it? That was what I deserved from you, after all the blood, sweat and tears I gave you? You said I took your choice away. You wouldn’t have even given me a choice to say goodbye to the love of my life before you fucking died!”

“You had a choice. You could have come to the many people who love you, love you unconditionally, and told us, and let us in, and let us help you. You could have gotten help, taken the pills, fight your damn hardest to make this work, to find a cure, for the life your mum gave you, the life she would have to watch you throw away. You have a choice now. To want to live, to want to fight through this and come out the other side a new, better person. To let me love you, let people love you. To do the consciousness transfer and be with me, and be happy, forever. And you’re choosing this.“

“Baby, are you still with me?”

All of a sudden, all new thoughts entered your mind from the ones before. You thought you made your choice. But then you thought about Pandora, the beautiful world you loved so much, that despite not being born for, you climbed its trees and ran its grounds like you had. You thought about how happy laying on the grass made you, just feeling how each blade tickled your skin and brought a laughter that was so pure, so unassuming - so real. You thought about your guitar, and the guitar Neteyam gave you, and the peace you felt when you played them, when you sang your feelings, like a litany to cleanse your soul.

You thought about Kiri - your beautiful sister who you scoured the woods with, finding rocks and flowers and watching her crafting necklaces while the light shone brightly on your faces. You thought about Lo’ak. Your movie marathons, the endless laughter and the warmth he brought to your soul, that felt forever childlike when around him. You thought about Spider, the monkey boy who was the only one who could truly understand what you were going through as a human child growing on a different planet.

You thought about Norm and Max, how they raised you without ever asking for anything in return, how they kept you in their lab and bestowed upon you all of their knowledge and skill and the look they gave you whenever you put anything they taught you to good use. You thought about Jake and Neytiri, your surrogate parents that you always pushed away, and they always came back, loving you unconditionally despite all your emotional shortcomings. You thought about Tuk, how she looked at you like you were the most amazing sister she had, how you used to be the only one who could put her to sleep when she was a fussy infant, how she loved your voice and clung to your every word.

You thought about your mum, who despite being gone for almost a decade, you still felt in you every day, whenever you touched a book you know she loved, whenever you were in the lab, whenever you looked in the mirror and the eyes that greeted you might as well be hers. Finally, you thought about Neteyam. The person you loved more than life itself, more than the sun and the moon, more than every star in the sky. The person who has been here all your life, who stood by you no matter what, who only left so you didn’t have to suffer further. You thought about his smile, his eyes which were like the lighthouse that would always guide you home, his touch that brought life back into you, his love for you, that shone bright and eternal.

You realised then you weren’t ready to say goodbye to all of those things, you wanted more, needed more. You wanted to know what it was like to live, fully live, you wanted to know what it felt like to have a proper family, you wanted to give yourself fully to the man you loved, you wanted to know if your kids would have your mum’s eyes and their dad’s kindness and patience. You wanted to experience Pandora’s sky with Neyn, and you wanted to find a cure for the virus that killed you. You wanted to help the Na’vi fight the Sky People, and you wanted to show them there are good humans out there, and you come from one, and are one. You needed more time.

You were crying so hard you felt your hand going and grasping at your heart, trying to somehow claw through your chest and grasp it in your palms and hold it, trying to stop it from hurting. “I need to go back. I have to go back, I need more time.”

As soon as you said that, you heard a sound coming from the sky, almost like far away thunder. You didn’t know what it was, but you didn’t have time to think about it.

“Ma, I have to go back. I have to make it right. I’m not ready, mum. I’m not ready to go yet.”

“I know, baby. It seems you finally made your choice.”

You saw far into the distance, and saw the edges of the world dissipate slowly, leaving behind a white glow in their wake. You knew what was coming, you knew the one thing you still had to do before it happened.

“Mum, I forgive you. I’m so sorry life took so much from you and I am sorry I couldn’t help more. I’m sorry you had to hurt alone. I love you so much, I will always love you. You will always be a part of me. I forgive you.”

You saw your beautiful mum take a deep breath in, and her body started glowing with the same glow that was gently overtaking the world.

“I have roamed this world for almost 10 years, unable to move on. I am finally free, my love. I can rest now. Thank you.”

Before she would inevitably leave you again, you needed to know one more thing.

“Mum, was my dad evil?”

“Oh, baby. Your dad was a beautiful soul, and although he had many flaws, he was not evil. When you are ready to open your bottom desk drawer, make sure you look around you as well. All will be revealed in time, my love. And listen to Kiri more when she talks to you about plants, you might be surprised what could come of it.” She smiled kindly and gave you a mischievous wink, and with that, she vanished.

“MUM!” You screamed, anguished at losing her again.

You heard her voice echo in the sky.

“Do not go gentle into that good night,

Old age should burn and rave at close of day

Rage, rage against the dying of the light.”

You smiled through tears at the poem she used to read you at least once a week when you were a baby. Once it was done, her voice was replaced with another, and you realised what the previous sounds in the sky were. The only voice in the world that mattered.

“Atan! Please come back, please come back. You can’t leave me, please!”

I’m coming, my light.

“Push another round of Epi.”

Neteyam watched as the two humans were working tirelessly to try to bring you back to life. He thought he knew what pain was, what grief and sorrow were, but realised he didn’t - not until the last 30 minutes, as he saw you die in front of him, not until he saw your body being electrocuted and needles going in your heart, not until not any of this torture worked, not until you were still dead, not until his worst fear in life materialised like a bad magic trick.

“We’ve been doing this for too long, Norm. Even if she comes back now, her brain was without oxygen for 30 minutes and I-“

“Just fucking do it, Max!”

Neteyam saw Norm get the machine with the two pads that shocked your body ready again, and he felt himself hope, just a little hope, for the last time. He heard himself talk over the noise, over the constant flat tone of the machine that was connected to your heart.

“Atan! Please come back, please come back. You can’t leave me, please!”

Norm put the pads on your body as soon as Max injected you with what they called Epi.

“CLEAR!” He screamed and pressed the handles of the pads, and your body convulsed violently at the shock they administered.

Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep.

The room went completely quiet. He saw Norm and Max look at you with mouths agape and then look at each other. Then they started crying.

“We have sinus rhythm.”

Neteyam felt his heartbeat thump in his chest, felt dizzy and confused. The beeping was different than the tone he heard before. Why were they crying? He turned around to face his family and noticed them hugging, and laughing wildly, screaming and crying at the sight, and he let himself believe, for a second, that this was not bad news.

“What is sinus rhythm?” He said, voice hoarse from the amount of crying he had lived through.

“She’s alive.” Norm says through panted breaths and muted tears.

She’s alive. She’s alive. She’s alive. She’s alive.

It felt like Neteyam took his first breath, like he was born again. They say every Na’vi is born twice, and although the second one was technically when he became a man, he would argue the second time was right now. Those words brought him back to life, in an instant and he felt like he could finally breathe. He could finally live.

“Neteyam”, Max puts a hand on his shoulder, “She’s been dead for 30 minutes. She is alive, but we don’t know what state she will be in when and if she wakes.”

No, you will be fine. He had no doubt in his mind anymore. Eywa has spoken. Eywa brought you back for a reason.

Hours passed, and you didn’t wake. The two scientists gave you pills and liquids that were going in you through various tubes in your body. Neteyam was tortured at the sight, but was consoled with knowing these were keeping you alive. Eventually, they left you to rest, not being able to do anything more until you would wake up… if you woke up. His parents and siblings, and Spider also left, not too far, as they decided to sleep in the hub. Neteyam stood by your side the whole time. He held your hand which felt so small in his much bigger one, and found himself tracing every hair, blemish and vein on your arm. His gaze then shifted onto your face, which looked peaceful, a deep contrast to the one he saw just half a day ago, although it felt like a different life ago. Your beautiful lips were slightly parted as you were breathing with the help with a transparent mask that covered half your face. Your cheeks had a rosy tint to it, and were marked by shadows given by your eyelashes that were resting on them. Your forehead was finally free of the scowl or frown that seemed to plague it most days, giving you a serene look about you. Angel.

Neteyam’s gaze fell around the room, taking in all the equipment that was required to keep you alive. He learned that the beeping machine was called an electrocardiogram, and through the little sensors on your chest, it could feel your heartbeat. He learned that the machine that was pumping your blood was called a dialysis machine, and it was helping you clear your blood of waste since your body couldn’t do that by itself anymore. He learned the mask was helping you breathe, since you body couldn’t that by itself either. He was eternally grateful to these machines, and the men wielding them, for the part they were playing in you not being taken away from him. He has never liked humans, but more and more, he could understand their beauty, and that, in their own way, they were just doing their best - isn’t that the only thing one can hope for?

Neteyam was pulled out of his musings by the tiniest movement of your hand that was rested in his. He immediately snapped his eyes to your hand, and gasped loudly when you moved again - just a small twitch, nothing more, but it was enough to electrify his entire body, deep shockwaves running through him from where you touched him to each extremity. His gaze shifted on to your face, and his breath stopped when his eyes met yours. You looked tired, so tired, but alive. Your eyes crinkled at the sides as you gave him a smile, and his world shifted on its axis, never to be the same again. Your hand slowly and shakily made its way to the mask rested on your face, and you pulled on it until it came off, looking like the movement hurt, like it took all the effort you had. He could see your smile properly now, the most beautiful sight he has ever laid his eyes on - this world, the sky, this entire universe could not hold a candle to this smile.

“Hi.” You said through shallow panted breaths.

Neteyam cried, his tears flowing freely, the weight of this day bearing down on him heavily, even as he was watching you, feeling you, seeing you alive. He smiled as he brought his big hand to your face, and cupped it as gently as he knew how. You put your hand over his slowly and deliberately, and continued smiling even with the tears that were making their way down your cheeks and into your smile.

“Hi.” That’s all he could say, and he knew it was enough.

It was insane - the thought of having to leave your side for even the split of a second, but he knew his family would never forgive him if he didn’t tell them you were awake. So he went, running through the corridors of the labs and hub, trying to find his way, screaming for them at the top of his lungs, hoping he wouldn’t have to waste time searching. Eventually, they came out panicked, praying they won’t have to hear the worst. They were exalted when that wasn’t the case, and Neteyam saw his three younger siblings, as well as his honorary brother, run as fast as the lab allowed towards the room you were in. He followed suit, sending a glowing, relieved, happy smile towards their parents, which they returned with the same enthusiasm. Norm and Max were already in the room when they arrived, alerted by all the commotion. They were checking in on you, adjusted medicines and slowly removing the mask from around your face.

You were in a lot of pain, that you could feel even with the morphine you knew was supposed to keep your body nice and numb, although you suspected you were the reason it wasn’t working as well as it should. You felt every breath, every heartbeat, like it was a shot to the chest, but you didn’t complain, and stood there as your two favourite humans were working hard trying to make sure you were going to be alive for longer than a few minutes this time. You felt an immense sense of gratitude at their help and their incessant need to keep you safe and healthy, despite how horribly you treated both of them. You hoped you can earn their forgiveness in time. In time… you smiled softly at the thought. You had time.

FIVE STAGES OF GRIEF STAGE V: ACCEPTANCE

You were startled at all the sounds and voices coming from the corridors, and you jumped out of your skin when you saw four figures rushing towards you smiling and crying, laughing at you and approaching your body and the bed without concern for all the equipment or the tubes, or Norm and Max. You tried laughing at the endearing sight, but could only manage a forced exhale.

“You’re alive!” Tuk’s soft sobs brought you to tears again, all the events of the last few days quickly taking a toll on your already jagged body.

You nodded softly at her, giving her the biggest smile you could muster. You looked up at Lo’ak and Kiri and felt them taking each of your hand in theirs and tugging at them, holding you with whatever they could without inconveniencing you too much. Lo’ak was tugging at the IV going in your vein, making it hurt, but you couldn’t care less. You were so happy to see him, see them, so happy they found it in their infinite hearts to forgive you. You didn’t know how you still had enough fluid in you to produce even more tears, but there they were, falling again.

Neteyam walked into the room with his parents, who both brought their hands to their face at the sight of you, and looked at you with so much love your heart tugged painfully. You couldn’t speak, there were no words to convey the love and appreciation you had for them, for this family you gained, the family you would never leave again. Instead, you weakly, with all the power you had, brought your curled finger to your forehead and motioned towards them. I see you, I’m sorry. I see you.

Neytiri let out a cry and approach your legs, which she grabbed with her hands and held them softly, giving you a small squeeze.

Neteyam made his way to your side again, and pushed Lo’ak out of the way so he could be close to you, and took your hand in his again, holding to you tightly. You have never seen him like this, so possessive, so desperate to hold you, and you thought you would probably be the same if you watched him die in front of you. You brought his hand to your lips slowly and kissed it. Thank you.

You would have a lifetime to catch up and tell them everything you have wanted to say out loud your whole life but were too afraid to, but in order to do that, you had one thing to do first. You turned your attention to Kiri, who was still holding on to the arm Neteyam wasn’t.

Finally, you found your voice. It was raw and guttural, and cracked every other word, but it was there. You would learn to use it again in time.

“What do you say you and me kill this virus, forever?”

Passed down like folk songs, Our love lasts so long

Tag list (thank you thank you thank you x): @nuhteyam @eywas-heir @fanboyluvr @mashiromochi @puffb4ll @sassy-persona @simp4ff @mommyneytiri @inomoikawa @jackiehollanderr @jaysarchiv3 @meivap @dakotali @hlhl99 @eskamybeloved @erenjaegerwifee @winchestertitties @mommyneytiri @ultimatebluff @elizarikaallen @yeosxxx @ssc7514 @lolcaca @jackiehollanderr @bunnyrose01 @therealbloom @neteyams-queue @ @r1dd1kulus

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polyamorousmood · 4 months ago

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Hi I need some advice.

So I identify as poly even tho ive never had a poly relationship before and made that very clear to my girlfriend before we started dating. She said she was fine with it, and that we could always discuss terms when I start to like another person. We've been dating for a year, and I'm starting to like one of our mutual friends. I was excited to tell my girlfriend, but when I did she freaked out about it and said she couldn't do it. Because she was freaking out, I said it was OK and agreed to be in a mono relationship (I often will say anything to get someone to calm down, and I know that's a flaw of mine which is why I was open about everything before anything was at stake). I don't think I am OK with it, but they way she spoke about it sounds like she won't be convinced either.

I feel like I was lied to? And now I'm in this situation I didn't want, but I don't want to break up with her because I do love her. Functionally our relationship is the same as it always was so maybe I can handle it, but I just don't understand why she would have such a negative reaction when she seemed completely OK with it at the beginning.

I mean... maybe she said it was okay when it wasn't for a similar reason you did? Because she wanted to make you happy more than she wanted to dig into the issue? While I understand this probably felt like a major gut-punch after you made a point to be open about it, it seems to me unfair you'd hold her to a higher standard than you're holding yourself now wrt voicing what you'd be okay with.

Anyway, TL;DR: I think y'all both need to "come to Jesus."

What do I mean by that.

You need the classic Uncle Iroh moment

And it really, really fucking sucks, but you both will have to consider if the life you want -- poly for you, monog for her -- is feasible with each other. I'm sorry, I know it hurts even to think about, but even if everything gets worked out, you will have to think about the possibility it won't first.

First, you're going to have to bring it up again, and explain its importance, and explain your confusion, and acknowledge this is clearly difficult for her. I think a strong possibility is that she's okay with you dating someone else, but not someone she knows. It being her friend may be the sticking point! I've found a lot of people don't consider that a possibility until they're confronted with it, and it drudges up a lot of bad feelings and anxieties that you "always really wanted them and not me," so that's worth investigating.

... Its also really possible she never gave it a ton of thought and assumed it was never really gonna happen🫤. Its also possible your timing was just shit in a way you're not mentioning (maybe didn't even think of!) like, if you mentioned it a week after y'all Had A Talk™️about her feeling really insecure lately, I can see how that could cause her some panic. You are just going to have to grit your teeth and talk🗣️. It is the ONLY path forward that has a chance of everyone feeling fulfilled. Which to me at least, makes it the only path forward, period ⏺️ It sucks. Its hard. You'd rather saw off your toes.

But here's the secret -> people regret more the things they didn't do than the things they did do. A life spent wondering is generally much harder than anything else.

So if after you talk to her, she does have a problem with polyamory, there are only a few options for how this shakes out:

You never get the polyamory. Either because you kept your mouth shut 🙊 or because you asked and it was clearly never going to be okay with her. You stay with her forever and cut off this desire of yours to make her happy. Most poly people find this a very constricted existence.

She consents to polyamory even though she doesn't like having to share you. You guys broker some sort of compromise. Maybe she comes around, but maybe its always a sore spot, and she always feels like she's settling for half a relationship.🌗

You break up💔. Maybe now, maybe after years of trying and failing to do one or both of the first two options.

That's all there is. There's room within those categories, of course, but every outcome is one of those three. Give each of them their fair consideration, because there are some major, long-term pros and cons with each of them, and you need to know what you're signing on for. Oh, and if you're not willing to talk about it? You're locking yourself into the first one. Maybe she's worth it to you, but if that's the choice you're making, you cannot hold that choice against her later, because she won't even have realized you made it if you don't talk about it.

And if you do broker some sort of deal, you better fasten your seatbelt. Because you will have to talk about things she's uncomfortable with very regularly. Accept that right the fuck now. You know its true. You know that even if she understands, there will be new situation after new situation you will have to go through together. And a lot of them will be hard on her. And it will be on your shoulders to see her through.

This is, without exaggeration on my part, one of the worst situations to be in ever. My heart goes out to you.💝 I hope from the depths of my soul there's some sort of misunderstanding that gets resolved without much drama, and you're all okay. I am also truly sorry if that sounded harsh, but I don't want you to waste your time looking for miracle fixes. Everything from this point on will be messy and labor-intensive, but I hope it can be a labor of love.

Wising you the strength to see yourself to a life you love 💙💖🖤

#polyamory #poly relationship advice #poly/mono relationships #ask box is always open

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kittsenss · 7 months ago

Text

⤷ crushing on b

how I grew closer with b

A lot of people have been messaging me asking how Ive gotten so comfortable and close with b, I’ll give you some things that worked for me and our relationship in general!! Keep in mind B has been teaching me for two years! So we weren’t close off the bat.

﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏ 1ST YEAR ﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏

In my first year of him teaching me, I was very reserved and quiet (i’ll admit I only thought of him as just another one of my teachers, i wasn’t attracted right off the bat) We grew close after I helped B with a school event, during the breaks of our school event i chatted with him personally about school and personal life.

I am very talkative especially in person so I can have convos with anyone without feeling awkward!! After this school event, I felt more comfortable to break out in convo with him in the halls or during class! It also helped that our spare periods lined up so I would often bump into him or help him with his next period prep! Allowing us to initially get closer, during our spares I would help him with tasks such as cleaning up the desks, sweeping and even organizing worksheets!! To fill the silence I would always ask him his plans for the weekend or he loved to hear me ramble a lot since he found it endearing!!

I also really enjoyed the subject he taught since it was my strong suit!! So i often would get praise on my work and assessments! IF YOUR FAILING YOUR TC CLASS TRY TO STRENGTHEN YOUR KNOWLEDGE IN THAT SUBJECT!! THEY HONESTLY NOTICE AND IT MAKES YOU LOOK LIKE YOU CARE ABOUT WHAT THEY ARE TEACHING YOU

I didn’t see him as much in my second semester so we weren’t as close before the school year ended!! What I do know though was that he was going through a divorce with his wife

﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏ 2ND YEAR ﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏

This is the year where our relationship would take a turn!! We got more closer and our relationship turned more intimate and personal (no I didn’t sleep with him) i had this class where we were allowed to study any topic we want and by the end of the sem present it! My topic was really personal! So when he would proof read my work he would asks questions about my struggles and I opened up to him ( which allowed him to open up about some struggles he went through when he was younger and his divorce WHICH HE HAS NEVER MENTIONED TO ANYONE ELSE ) these intimate talks kinda built trust between us and in moments if i ever were to cry or get slightly emotional he would comfort me by rubbing his hand on my back or anything to calm me down! I’m not going to lie i would pretend i needed extra help just to spend more time with him which I do not regret since that help me find more ways to talk and be around him!! ( DO IT!! NOT TOO OFTEN OFC ONCE IN A WHILE)

This is kinda random but I love to bake!!! B loves sweet treats and candy so I would always carry a chocolate bar or any type of candy to give to him and he would even buy me gum or give me some of his!! ( gum addict right here!!) and for special occasions when i made cookies or brownies for my friend i would make one for him and package it pretty and give it to him!! He was very appreciative and gave me loads of compliments and always asked me to bring more!! ( if you have a interest in baking try finding out if your tc likes sweet things or his favourite dessert!!)

One thing that definitely changed the game for me was our music taste!! Our music taste is similar and he is a big music fan during class he takes song requests when we have work periods so when I asked him to play a song from this certain band, he was really happy to hear someone else knows that band and we began to recommend each-other different artists!! I started visiting him during lunch and show him a ton of playlists introducing him to different artists i liked and he would always pull me aside and recommend me bands he think i would like!! Atp i made a move and offered him to follow me on spotify so he can check out all my playlists instead of going through that process of trying to share it through bluetooth ( thankfully he accepted and we both follow eachother! )

I’ll create a part two on this ( its getting lengthy) and some of the situations we’ve had incase any of you guys are curious!! send me questions abt anything, i’d love to answer!!

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crushingcasanova · 2 days ago

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Hi there :) I’m so sorry for my late response , things have been pretty freakin hectic .. i am here now , don’t worry :)

listening to you talk about theatre is so … mesmerizing. i love listening to people in general but .. its just so fun listening to you talking about that knowing how deeply you care about it. how its part of your life. im just sorta enamored（≧∇≦）

i agree , i absolutely adore fine arts. i just can’t get into anything else. its so awesome that you make jewelry!! ive been trying to get fully into it , but i cant seem to find the exact beads i need. but trust when i do .. its gonna be awesome. i do a lot of arts and crafts , and I really adore coloring. ive tried drawing but .. im so terrible , and i just hate being bad at things.

i definitely would say that i love people’s flaws .. usually those things are my favorite things about them ^^ but at the same time , i tend to get myself into bad relationships , then stay because “i can fix it! we will be fine and in love because ill help them!!” i bet you can guess how that turns out .. </3 i also agree that in most situations .. i don’t like to reach out , even if in my heart I do want to. i get nervous , and at times feel like if I didn’t reach out , no one would talk to me .. so i self isolate. im glad that im welcome here .. even if im kinda jsut like , a random person that doesn’t matter and is just yapping … </3

ughhh repurposing is so nice and so fun .. it makes you feel like you’re worth something , yk , giving an old piece a new home. its so rewarding. thrifting and antiquing is always rewarding , because almost every time i go , i find something. i almost never leave one of those stores empty handed .. (im also a shopaholic so ..) but its awesome that you do resin work !! is that calming ??

thank you so much for your kind words , i did get a good amount of sleep last night <333333 i have a few questions :)

what’s your fashion sense?

do you have any pets?

that’s it. thank you so much for letting me be here , hun !!

-🎭

Hello Cheshire <3 I quite missed you, so I was really happy to see you in my inbox again! I hope you've been well, dearie :) I know you mentioned it was hectic, so I hope you get a moment to relax!

I'm very honored that you like to hear me talk about theater! It's one of my biggest passions, honestly, because I adore being on the stage. I'd love to hear some of your favorite musical takes too, if you ever would like to share. I've always been into deep analysis, and I've done a lot for the Phantom and the Great Gatsby in particular :) I was lucky enough to see these before they closed, too, so I like to comment on the staging and the acting from the amazing actors who played my favorites. It also is a big inspiration for a lot of my writing, like this Great Gatsby one I did a while back about the beauty of Gatsby's obsession :) I hope you get those beads soon! I just started working with beaded jewelry a while back, and I make these kind of big pieces for some of my friends. I gifted my beloved a set inspired by them a while back and mailed it to them, and I'm planning to make some for my friends this year. I am sure you're not as bad at drawing as you say, but I think I completely understand the thought behind it. That's why I'm not really a fan of math, since I can never get better at it ... but I'm trying :) coloring is fun too, though! I completely understand self isolation, I used to be like that but I've changed a lot :) my beloved really stressed the importance of communication and taught me how to be more vulnerable and open up, but it's been an uphill battle. I don't think you're a random person who doesn't matter, dear! You bring a smile to my face with your messages, and it means a lot to know you care enough to talk to me too :) I agree with repurposing things :D It is lovely to give them their own home, I agree. It's kind of cute that you think of it like that :) I also am a bit of a shopaholic too, but I'm quite picky, so I usually leave empty handed. My resin work is quite fun! I would say it's a bit relaxing, but only at certain points in the process. The designing and the unmolding is fun, but not the pouring, because it starts to solidify quickly. You have to work quickly and then let it cure overnight if it's not UV resin. It can get a bit stressful As for your questions:

My fashion style is very cutesy, I'd say! A lot of skirts and sweaters, I usually don't wear jeans or other forms of pants very much to be honest. I wear a lot of pinks, blacks, purples, etc. I also am a big jewelry wearer, so I have a lot of that, and I usually am kind of maximalist when it comes to outfits. I also always have cute matching purses when possible :) I used to be a bit more like, hot topic emo style when I was younger, and I still shop there, but definitely less. I also wear a lot of dresses! I'm very hyperfeminine, I'd say, at least fashion wise. I think there are some pics somewhere on this blog, that I did for a follower special, or maybe some in love letter? Not sure! How do you like to dress?

I also do have a pet! I have a little black dog named stella :) she's a little cute miniature schnauzer mix! Do you have any pets, dear?

I hope this finds you well! I was so excited to answer this, sorry it took me a minute! Definitely took me a while to yap ^^;

#casanova's posts #casanova's collection #🎭 anon

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mikajihiko · 2 months ago

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Originally Posted on: 2020-10-30 TAG: Vanilla, Soft and Wholesome, Birthday Segs, Blow Jobs, Tipsy, Nervous, No Beta, Was my very first fic! Summary: Ah.. yes.. this is how my life is right now. Just the two of us in Akihiko’s apartment, slightly drunk from having a few drinks. Sitting on the floor close to each other. My eyes closed as I feel his warm hand cupping my face, him wiping my tears with his thumb.

Oh, I love him so much. He brings me so much joy. NOTE: And so Ive decided to post my fic here 😀 still not beta read but we di3 like men! This fic is also available on AO3~

“Haruki, can I hold your hand?” Akihiko says with a pout.

We’ve been dating for a few years now yet there are still times where he asks for my permission before touching me. I do think of it as cute; he still felt guilty and I’m not going to lie, it still makes my heart flutter remembering that all of the changes he did to himself was all for my sake.

I find it unbelievable- the day he blurted out his feelings. It feels like a dream yet I remember it vividly, infact playing it back in my head makes me experience the same feeling of ecstasy. Who would’ve thought a 2 year one-sided crush would turn out to be fruitful? Its been so long that all I can do now is laugh about it. Yes, even to memories I used to have felt a tremendous amount of pain reminiscing.

It makes me so happy that I cant help but think about how my heart could explode. How Aki could probably hear it during the calm nights we rest in each others arms. And, times like this one where I feel tears start running down my face.

“H-haruki, are you alright?”

Ah.. yes.. this is how my life is right now. Just the two of us in Akihiko’s apartment, slightly drunk from having a few drinks. Sitting on the floor close to each other. My eyes closed as I feel his warm hand cupping my face, him wiping my tears with his thumb.

Oh, I love him so much. He brings me so much joy.

I intertwined the same hand he had on my face with mine. Staring loving at his shimmering emerald eyes as I give his hand a peck. I couldnt help but crack a smile as I felt his hand tremble. “Aki” I called “You do know I don’t bite, right?”

He flinches a bit before covering his now lightly tinted red face with his other hand. Probably, no, definitely embarrassed about me figuring out how nervous he actually was.

“Pfft. Hey, Aki. You’re really red”

“Im drunk” turning redder than ever. So cute, makes me want to tease him more. “Aki” I leaned forward, resting my forehead on his “Akihiko~ hello~”

“..what?”

“Averting your gaze, huh? Hey, look at me” He closed his eyes and sighed before locking into mine.

“Uwahh your eyes really are green and with little gold flakes too” In my defense, its the alcohol talking. Giving me enough courage as well was knowing Aki’s the type to easily get flustered when drunk.

“You’re embarrassing” he replies, still locking his eyes with mine. I chuckled, letting go of his hand only to run both of mine from his chest, trailing to his shoulders, and finally tangling my fingers onto his golden locks. Does he know how much I crave for his warmth?

“I like this” Aki groans, with a shiver that made him close his eyes “I like how were close like this” wrapping his large hands around my waist, pulling me even closer until our lips were an inch away from each other.

“Your breath smells like alcohol” I laughed, breaking the intimacy. He then too started laughing, and with a tinge of annoyance, started tickling my sides. Before we knew it, we were a mess. Laying on the floor with me in his arms drenched a bit from the spilled alcohol.

“Sorry, I might have drank a little bit too much” I giggled while still try to catch my breath, wiping off the tear from my eye “I spoiled the mood!”

It’s not like I didn’t want things to go that way, I did prepare just incase, and it was getting late and he had work. It was unfortunate he couldn’t take a leave despite it being his birthday.

I laid on his arm the same way I did when we gazed at the night sky. I took a few deep breaths, taking in how enjoyable today was, at the same time accepting how this it was about to end.

“And.. you smell like home, Haruki” he says, breaking the silence, pulling me closer to his chest. His heart raced and, so did mine. Slowly our heart beats resonated, strong and loud as if theyre reaching out to each other.

And this. It was moments like this that for some reason, gravitates me strongly towards him. Moments that leave me speechless. His hand squeezing my waist while the other plays with my hair. I could feel his warm breath on my head as he tries to lose himself with my scent while still showering me endless kisses.

All this and I still yearn for more of him.

“Aki” I called in a raspy voice, moving in a direction that would let me be on top of him. ‘What is it that I want from you?’ I thought to myself as I inched forward towards his face. Raggedly breathing as I glide my tounge on his piercing, softly biting on to his lower lip and pulling backward.

Now that I think about it, we didn’t have a lot of moments like this. Where I had the courage to look at him with half lidded eyes filled with lust. I want him, I want him all for myself and I know that’s selfish but the way he firmly grasps my neck to pull me closer. Taking my lips into his to form a passionate kiss where our tounges yearn for each others warmth.

It feels so good. It feels so good to be around him. I want to be around him.

Him, leaving trails of kisses around my neck. I shut my eyes and shivered, losing the strength on my limbs as I felt the familiar bud of metal graze from the base of my neck to my ear.

“Can we?” He whispers

“Yea” I moaned “I prepared”

“Want to take this to bed?”

I bury my face into his chest and nodded in agreement. He lifts my chin, taking a good look at my flustered face before planting a kiss on my forehead

“Thank you”

He hoists me up, walks towards the bed, and gently places me down. I wrap my arms around his neck clingy on to him desperately. It wont hurt to be a little needy tonight.

“don’t go” attacking him with a kiss after another

“Im not going anywhere” he chuckles

“I love looking into your eyes so you better stay close”

“Hmm? I love looking into yours too” he sung “you’re so beautiful, Haruki”

I pulled him closer to me, gently crashing his lips to mine, starting the series of soft chaste kisses. Opening my mouth as his warm tounge grazes on my bottom lip. The bitterness of alcohol melts away from the sweetness of his kisses. And, for what seems like electricity, runs down my spine every time I feel his piercing making me moan in ecstasy. I can feel his free hand grope my chest, rolling his thumb on my nipple before sliding further downwards. Greeted with the sound of unzipping, he sucks on the bottom of my lip before withdrawing. My heart pounding and me beginning to work some sweat.

My breath hitched as I felt his warm tounge press on my nipple while his long slender fingers pinch and tug on the other. I ran my hands on his hair and pulled onto it as I got even more desperate for touch. My moans slowly increasing in volume and my hips start to jolt sporadically.

“Aki” I groaned, quickly reaching towards the attention deprived area inbetween my legs.

“Baby” he coos, catching my hand “Can I?”

“Yes, please”

He sits up, taking off his tank top. Sweat running down glistening, following the crevices of his toned abdomen. I reached my hand towards his chest, giving it a tight squeeze. “like what you see, haruki?” He teased

“I do” I say as my hands begin to tremble, gliding my thumb against the bud of his nipple. He cracks a smile, quickly hiding it behind a hand

“how could you say that with such an innocent face?”

At this point my head was getting fuzzy with the mixture of pleasure and alcohol. I started to feel like my body instinctively blocked all my senses just so I could concentrated on the chiseled shilouette. It reminded me of the first time I saw him up close. Im mesmerized.

My reminiscing cut short as he hoists my hips towards him. “Hold on tight, Nakayama-senpai” he teases, licking his lips.

He leans towards my loins, looking up to me, making sure I take in the sight of him pampering my thighs with kisses and leaving the trail of hickies. I tremble in anticipation. Nothing to relieve is but heavy breathing and low groans.

Touch me please, Akihiko. I need you. I want to feel you.

And as if he read my mind, he softly blows a gush of wind making my toes curl from the long awaited contact. He starts from the very bottom. Sucking onto the nethers, not staying for long however, quickly moving towards the base. Fondling on the place he was before, he works his way up to the tip with lewd kisses and long licks. I could feel the blood rush to my head, I couldn’t help but feel a tinge of embarrassment. I wonder what he thinks of how I look right now?

My eyes roll back, I could feel his piercing encircling the head. Released a loud moan, him slowly taking in the length. Nuzzling his jaw onto it before starting to bob his head in a rhythmic pace. However, I could no longer take the slow build-up. I lather my hand with my own spit, slitering my way onto my behind. I moan in relief as I plunge into my own ass repeatedly.

“More” I whispered to myself “Please more” and without missing a beat I felt fuller. Inside me was two of his thick fingers and my own, both penetrating and moving in synchrony.

I cried for his name as he sucks and increases his speed in both above and below. I hold onto his tousled locks with my free hand, uncontrollably jerking forward with each hum he made, and loudly groaning as I hit the back of his throat.

Oh god, Im close, not yet!

“Aki, stop” I exclaimed, quickly pulling his hair upwards only for me to release from a look that screamed ecstasy- eyes lidded, furrowed brows, cheeks wet from tears, and now from my own liquids. He coughs lightly and clears his throat.

I pulled away, grabbed his face with both hands and crashed my lips onto his, losing each other in a sloppy kiss. Feeling his large hands on the back of my head, pushing me onto him deeper. Sucking onto my tounge before breaking the kiss. I push him down and straddle him. Licking off the trail I left on his face.

“Haruki” he groans “That kiss kinda hurt”

“Im sorry” I softly laughed, giving him a soft peck on the lips

“I don’t know if I could forgive you that easily, Haruki” he jokes, rummaging under the pillows, pulling out some lube and condoms.

“You really just stash them everywhere, don’t you?”

“You never know when you need it” ripping out the condom out the package and sliding it on his “Mr.I love car sex” he winks

“Oh god shut up” I exclaimed, playfully throwing a pillow towards his face as he laughs uncontrollably.

It was never easy getting it in no matter how much lube there was, especially with his girth. His hands resting on my hips to aid me. Throwing my head back as I felt him hit my favorite spot. Knowing that I like it, he pumps slowly.

Starting with soft moans and a slow pace. His warm hands rubbing the sides of my waist to trail down to my thighs. He stays still, looking at how we were connected while occasionally meeting gazes.

I close my eyes, feeling the immense pleasure surging through my body. I run my hands on his bare chest, teasingly flicking on his nipples and smiling at the sudden noises he’d make.

The pace begins to quicken. The sound of skin slapping, heavy breathing, and sounds of pleasure filled the room. My hips moving on my own as he thrusts into me. I slide my hands forward, now grabbing firmly onto his shoulders, managing to call out his name inbetween breaths as a gesture of asking for consent.

He holds onto my hips firmly and with a nod, began to slam into me with enough force. Making me start digging my nails onto his shoulders, definitely breaking his skin. He moans my name in pleasure, sitting upwards and encases me in a tight embrace.

He continues to move. My eyes flutter as I clung onto his neck as if hanging for dear life. I nuzzle my onto his, whispering words of praise before inititating a tender kiss. He lays be down gently. Tounges dancing with each other.

He holds onto my legs and spreads it wide open. He continues to pound me but now in a faster pace. Feeling a tinge of embarrassment as I felt my own slapping hard against my abdomen, as well as a tight knot building at every thrust.

“Im close” I exclaimed, followed by a long throaty moan and sporadic movements.

He leans forward, securing my hands above my head. I continue to jerk as he thrusts into me harder and faster. My voice becoming shaky but louder out of desperation.

“Help me” I called out for him “I want to cum”.

My eyes rolling towards the back of my head as I feel him once again pound repeatedly on my favorite spot. I could feel one of his hands run down to mine, pumping in synchrony with his thrusts. My vision begins to blur, I could no longer differentiate the feeling on my front from my back. He moves faster, both in hands and below. And finally, with a loud moan and strong jolt upwards, I released.

Akihiko’s moan as I clenched onto him was like music to my ears. I tremble and held my position for a few seconds before settling back to the bed. I felt warm inside, finding the whole situation a bit funny.

My eyes being closed for quite some time, where the only things I could hear was the sound of mine and his breath. That was amazing.

A little time has passed and were both feeling refreshed, sharing a single pair of pajamas.

“Aki, you can be more selfish, you know?”

“Arent I being selfish enough?”

I shake my head “You can want me more”

He shuffles himself closer to me, nuzzling himself on the crook of my neck

“Want me more, Akihiko” I whisper, gently caressing his head

He grunts, pulling me in even closer

I giggled, such a big baby

“It’s your birthday and yet you still go out of your way to make me feel the happiest, thank you” I hold him tightly. My eyes getting heavier and heavier.

“Its because I love you”

I smiled

“I love you too”

“Together, tomorrow’s will always be good” I mumbled to myself, listening to soft snores as I too drift to sleep.

“We should drink more” Aki said, moving breakfast to the table “Were honest when drunk”

“What kind of post-sex thoughts are you having?” I laughed

“Ones with you in them” he chuckles, kissing the top of my head

“idiot” I blushed, hiding behind the cup of coffee

#Given Fanfiction #Akiharu #Akihiko Kaji #Haruki Nakayama #MikAssonance #2 people have apparently cried reading this ??

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sk3l3t0n444 · 4 months ago

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Craphole Dikrats is my spirit animal.

...um anyways the new era of the five nights at freddys franchise is something that people have many opinions on, some think its saying that there is really no point in figuring out the lore of the previous (and imo more interesting) era due to those games being made in the fnaf universe by an inaccurate storyteller but ngl that seems really fucking boring and that would be equivalent of everybody knowing that bad shit happened at an amazon location and then amazon being like "nahhhhhhhh dw whoever believes that is kinda dumb its safe here dont pay attention to the fact that more horrible shit happened hehe" so with that being said, imo there has to be a link from fnaf 6 to sb and what in the world could have happened in those 10 years (most people actually think its more like 30-40 years but imma just stop them right there and put up this image

because vanessa is relatively young and its heavily implied that she was born in 1997 and in sb vanessa cant be more than 35 and thats pushing it so imo the latest sb can take place is 2032 but thats kinda irrelevant) to have the mimic, glitchtrap, burntrap, and the blob suddenly appear and how long have they been around? my personal theory about glitchtrap is that its made of the remnant of william afton and burntrap is the agony (kinda like a kh xehanort thing with ansem and xemnas yk?) but william aftons happy memories are killing children for experiments to put evan back together so he enters the mind of vanessa to make her kill children for his experiments to bring back evan to give him his happiest day so he can be free from ucn while on the other hand burntrap is just the agony of william afton occupying his body because yk he always comes back and shit *eye roll* the blob is easy to explain its probably the victim(s) who choose not to move on after fnaf 6 (most likely charlie and cassidy) cuz english willy is still being a cunt and ngl i dont know how to explain the mimic imma just go with it happening similar to how it happened in the books cuz thats the thing i understand the least. and my theory on midnight motorist is that it happened after charlie was killed and the day evan died in his coma, evan possessing fredbear saw some of it and appeared outside michaels window (like what happens in the movie) to try and get help for charlie so michael broke the window and started running and william thinks he ran off to the mound of dirt trying to figure out what it is (ill get to what i think it is in a second) and is pissed but henry who agreed to watch michael tries to calm william down but william is already outside and when michael finally gets back after running around aimlessly william goes off on michael and starts working on the fnaf 4 house and eventually puts michael in there for his experiments and then as for the mound i think that the box is buried there and to be honest i think that the most naratively satisfying thing for it to contain is the spring bonnie suit. more as a metaphor than literally due to the fact that, to william spring bonnie "is best left forgotten for now" because its a reminder of his son, until he starts killing but when it changes to "somethings are best left forgotten forever" since it was meant to be opened in fnaf world it was trying to tell the kids to move on and all the other symbolism you could think about with that yk? but ive been trying to write this for like 2 hours and im tired of typing now so yeah please ask me about my theories im hyperfixating again

#i forgot this was an ask lmao #but imma add tags cuz im silly #fnaf #fnaf theory

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kypopkypop · 6 months ago

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Why Jiwoo is my ult bias

Now when im first getting into groups i usually have a bias. The member i get to know before i get to know the other members. Then after I learn more about all the idols in the group i tend to not have a bias because i cant just choose one. Now originally when i started getting into the group pre debut my bias was Lily. Just because she spoke fluent english so it was easier for me to learn about her and she was the most popular member when they first debuted for her singing talent. But after they debuted and u saw Jiwoo more, I dont know there was just something about her. With her being only about a month younger than me, when I saw her being loud, goofy, and all the hate she was getting about her weight I think I saw alot of myself in her. It also makes me really mad that there were so many people commenting on her weight that she either choose to loose more weight herself because of what people were saying or the company forced her. My guess is the latter. Even now that she lost more weight when I google Jiwoo Nmixx the 4th result is "Jiwoo Nmixx weight loss". Which honestly makes me upset for her she worked so hard and thats one of the first things people think of when they hear her name. It also makes me really sad and confused that she one of the least popular members. For her and Kyujin really being the only rappers her her being main. I thought she was main or lead dancer too but Kpop profiles only has Kyujin as a main dancer. Also with her "fake Maknae" personality it really surprised me. I havent really met anyone else that biases Jiwoo so I made my blog about her pretty much because, Idk, if I was a idol one of the least favorite members and people constantly bringing up my weight I would be really happy at least one person sees the potential in me. Even tho I know shes never gonna see this.

Oh and another thing I feel like I see so much hate on Nmixx as a group as well. Especially around their debut. I herd so many people saying that their music doesnt sound good because its mix pop and the lyrics make no sense. But now that their music has calmed down ive herd some people say that there old music was better even though they did what people were asking. Ive herd ALOT of people saying that the girls are really talented but JYP is wasting there talent on bad music. But i really like their music and I know their are alot of other people who like it.

Anyways sorry its so long I just had a lot to say. I mean i could go in another side tangent about fat shaming idols in general but thats a whole different conversation.

#jiwoo nmixx #kim jiwoo #nmixx #nswer #jiwoo #jang kyujin #kyujin #bae jinsol #nmixx jiwoo #kyujin nmixx #bae nmixx #haewon nmixx #lily jin morrow #sullyoon #lily nmixx #seol yoona #sullyoon nmixx #oh haewon #kim jiwoo nmixx

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frogwithhatto · 2 years ago

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What the Vessels get you for Valentine’s Day

I know valentines is not everyone’s thing but I just thought this was super cute so I had to write it down. (Also for everyone who might feel lonely today <3)

Warnings: just fluff

Vessel:

- I feel like he would press you flowers and put them in a frame for you to put up on your wall/desk. He definitely knows calligraphy and wrote the Latin name of the flowers on the paper he put them on.

- Records a song for you so you two can dance to it once he puts it on. (You two can’t dance so it’s more of a rocking from side to side, holding the other close and occasionally whispering sweet nothings in each other’s ears)

- Taking a long walk together going from talking to each other to complete silence simply enjoying being with the other. He will show you the spot where he picked the flowers for you. „You know I come here whenever I feel like everything’s a bit too much a-and I need a break… the flowers have always reminded me of you, I don’t know why to be honest. They just make me feel calm I guess.“

II:

- will collect rocks for you. He loves going out and looking for pretty rocks and he definitely collects the ones that remind him of you. He wraps them each individually and puts them in a pretty bag.

- He aims for an easy recipe to bake something for you (it’s chocolate chip muffins) he definitely ate a few tho (he needed to test them!!)

- Handmade a card for you. It looks a bit wonky but he tried! The card definitely has a dad joke or some sort of word play to match with his other gifts. „You ROCK!“ or „You’re sweeter than any baked good could ever be!“ (there’s also a longer letter in it in which he tells you how much he appreciates you and loves you it’s very sweet and he definitely cried writing it)

III:

- you get an obscure message telling you to „dress comfy and bring all blankets and pillows you can find to the living room“

- He’s not that much of a materialistic guy he likes to gift „time“ instead so you’ll build a fort and watch yours and his favourite movies! He got all the snacks and drinks you love (and he definitely got one of his hoodies for you to wear!)

- Building the fort takes a bit because you can’t agree on how the layout should look like. Also because he’s so tall you need to figure out a way to make the fort big enough without it loosing sturdiness.

- You stay up fairly late just enjoying each others presence, talking and laughing about the movies. At one point, the final credits just started rolling, he turns to look at you cupping your face with his hands. „You know you’re really special to me and I love you very much right?“ he asks as he hugs you close. You just nod as you tighten your grip on him as well.

IV:

- 5 course menu he planned by himself (including the dessert)

- Tells you to „dress fancy“ for the dinner date he has planned for you two at home. He went all out with decorating as well! The table is set with a dark red tablecloth and silver cutlery and he definitely tried to embroider fabric napkins for you! An abundance of candles are scattered throughout the room bathing everything in a pleasant light.

- Tried making you jewellery out of crystals and it worked surprisingly well. He’s good with his hands. (Like a necklace you know when crystals are like wrapped in wire? Yeah that)

- After eating you’re cuddling on the couch (you couldn’t make it to the bed) maybe 5 courses was a bit too ambitious… however you’re happy and full wrapped in his arms as you both drift off to sleep.

#sleep token headcanons #vessel sleep token #sleep token ii #sleep token iv #sleep token iii #sleep token

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angabby-zzz · 8 months ago

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Something something requested post about gabby

Ive like talked a little about stuff related 2 her identity problems ☝️ ✌️ and everything but like. vague hand motions heres the whole thing:;;;

Tbh im not sure where it started but to me its a mix of her ties to dionysus being expression and emotions and me just projecting onto her. her powers are focused on influencing others and manipulating things rather than just nature or art so shes like. full of chaos. not even in a silly personality trait way its literally just built into her. thats what her powers are. chaos and change. thats what she embodies. [which contrasts angels motif of calmness and cowardice and brings a cool balance to their relationship]

so obviously that and having bipolar disorder can make things messy sometimes and she struggles with truly being happy with her friendships. which is bad on its own but these also make her really cling to predictability and the idea of being in control (most obvious ex. is taking the role of leader during the quest for herself and planning out everything they do) which like. is related to the uncertainty she feels towards herself and her future cuz shes like getting closer to being an adult [and also the age lots of demigods dont make it very far past but she hasnt had to worry much about that until now] but really isnt ready to do that nor does she have any real passion for any job or thing related to it. shes just focused on finishing highschool and then she’ll have to worry about that. which she hated cuz yk. Mentioned stuff.

so basically its lots of Wow this is a lot of emotions about stuff with me in it. But who am i even. What is my purpose what am i supposed to do. Why is the world like this i dont want to do adult things. I dont even know what those adult things are or how they work.

i wanna say there were some v small thoughts about this pre-demigod stuff happening [mostly just about if people like her or not or how tf to make friends rather than everything else] and it just like got 10x worse once they did start cuz it like ruined what good she had goin. duh

and going with the linked post where i apologize to gabby she also has the dumbest smart person in the room problem where yes she Is very smart and good at problem solving and fighting but she also feels like shes not very useful or impressive when in certain groups [like how angel and jade have more knowledge about greek myths and nature than her] so its like. Hm is she really all that if she can only shine when surrounded by people less competent than she. also the guilt mentioned in said post is like related to this too cuz she wants to look cool and be inteligent and awesome yet also could come off as stuck up or a showoff or something cuz of how much she wants to be looked up to by others and be complimented

i think the last thing i have to say about it is how she does a lot of avoiding like. as a coping thing. like 2 examples i have so far for p1 would be the whole forced quest thing as an excuse to leave camp and not deal with violet or jack or anyone else who could bring up the fight and then the breakdown talk with angel (though its less avoiding and more finally snapping from all the pushing away) … and like maybe the bedrotting on their first summer there could count since she didnt wanna go out and see her dad or engage in any camp things but idk. maybe the thing w her stepdad too

Anyway yeah this post took forever cuz i was working on it on and off lollll sorry been busy (so obv disclaimer sorry if it sounds weird cuz i kind of just continued my thoughts between hour long pauses. im not rereading my lore posts bro thats what ive got notes and memorized info for….)

#text pose #oc lore

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casspurrjoybell-33 · 3 months ago

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Unlikely Places - Chapter 8 - Part 1

*Warning Adult Content*

Chapter: 8 - Nosy Curiosity

Not much had been said since Nurse Rosie interrupted our conversation.

I still wasn't quite sure why Pierce was putting most of the blame for my health on my friends but since it seemed to be such a sore subject to him, I didn't bring it back up.

I just wanted to go home.

A few hours later, once the IV solution bag had been emptied and a few more tests run, I finally got my wish.

Checking out took a little longer than checking in but I was pretty sure the process was still speedier than average.

Nurse Rosie insisted on pushing me out to the car in a wheelchair.

It was something I could have done without but one look at Pierce and I had decided not to argue.

As we approached, I saw Cicero's large head sticking outside the car window and the sight of his happy face was just what I needed.

I was able to give him a loving nuzzle before I slipped into the backseat.

Pierce climbed in across from me and in seconds we were in motion.

I sat stiffly, staring out the window at the blurs of color on the other side. I was tired and famished.

I was also very much aware of the man who sat next to me.

"How long have you been taking medication for anxiety?" Pierce murmured from his side of the car.

My head swiveled toward him.

He wasn't looking at me but out the window.

He sounded calm, maybe even bored.

Was this his way of making small talk?

A bit personal I thought but mentally shrugged.

It was Pierce after all, boundary crossing was probably one of his hobbies.

"Awhile," I answered.

He didn't turn to look at me but I saw his mouth compress.

He obviously hadn't liked my answer.

"How long is awhile?" he persisted.

I sighed out loud.

He was a like a bulldozer.

"Since before high school," I gave in and answered.

It wasn't as if I was trying to hide it and it was nothing to be ashamed of.

Some people had difficulty coping with certain things in life and needed a little help.

I just happened to be one of those people.

Story over.

I watched him nod with his face still turned away from me.

Even though I could only see half of his expression, I could easily tell he still wasn't happy.

That kind of made me mad.

"Taking anxiety medication doesn't make me weak," I said into the continuing silence.

Pierce swiftly turned to look at me as I spoke with a look of surprise.

"I didn't say it did," he replied.

"Well your expression seemed to be implying it," I retorted, turning away from him to stare out my own window.

"Jackson, seriously," he said.

"I don't think it makes you weak."

I grimaced.

I didn't know why but I didn't believe him.

It was probably because he seemed so strong and dominant and very much in charge.

He hadn't hesitated provoking me last night despite my being surrounded by a third of a football team.

I'm sure I looked and acted like a puny weakling in comparison to someone like him.

As I stared out the window, I began to explain to him what had been explained to me and my parents so many years ago when the topic of me starting a prescription medication came up.

"Anxiety doesn't mean I am mentally unstable. It doesn't mean I am not intelligent and it doesn't mean I can't live a normal life. It just means sometimes I get a little more stressed, for lack of a better word, than others. The medication helps to alleviate that stress."

I turned to look at Pierce then, who was quietly watching me.

"If you were sick and had diabetes that required insulin, would you take it?" I asked.

He nodded his head.

"If the doctor said that was my only alternative to stay healthy then, of course."

"Well, think of anxiety medication the same way. It's something I need so I experience less excessive worry and therefore fewer panic attacks like I did today. Though I don't have panic attacks often I really only suffer from anxiety,but when I am overly stressed or overly tired, a panic attack can work its way into my day if I'm not careful," I explained.

"Why are you smiling?" I asked defensively.

I noticed he had started smiling halfway through my explanation.

It hurt to think he was laughing at me.

"Do I overwhelm you?" he asked, side eyeing me with a devilish grin.

I flushed.

From that long explanation; that was what he had taken from it?

"Were y-you even listening to me?" I grumbled, hating the stutter that seemed to have returned.

He chuckled.

"I was and that's what I heard and by the way," he added his tone becoming more serious as he turned to look at me.

"I really don't think you're weak for taking the medicine. I didn't before your explanation and I certainly don't after it."

I looked back out the window after studying his sincere face for a few moments.

"Okay," I mumbled.

I wasn't used to him being soft or sincere.

He was usually mocking me or teasing me or being angry at me.

The gentleness threw me into a state of flux that I didn't know how to react to.

I prayed we would reach my house sooner rather than later.

Thankfully sooner arrived in no time.

The bodyguard, Marcus, also known as Cicero's new best friend pulled into my driveway five minutes later and turned off the engine.

I turned to Pierce to thank him for all he had done but was surprised to find he was already opening his car door and stepping out into the late afternoon sun.

What time was it?

My stomach growled.

I was starving.

The IV had helped with my blood sugar but I needed real food soon, very soon.

Cicero did, too.

I was about to open my car door when Marcus did it for me and red faced, I stepped out apologizing for having taken so long.

Pierce was standing nearby with Cicero on his leash.

He was frowning at me.

"I bet you're hungry," he said with what sounded like concern.

"We should have stopped for something on the way home."

"It's o-okay," I assured him, putting my hand over my stomach as it screamed at me again to nourish it.

I didn't think Pierce had heard but Marcus's knowing chuckle and glance down at my belly clued him in.

I quickly withdrew my hand and walked with determined steps towards Pierce to grab Cicero's leash.

If I acted like I was fine then he would think I was fine and he would leave.

At least that is what I hoped.

I should have known Pierce had other plans.

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queersolarfandompage · 9 months ago

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⚠️Tw vent, suicide, depression, panic attack⚠️

Had a panic attack today. I was doing so well. I didnt have a lot of money left but i was budgeting it well enough. Then my prescription which was normally under $20 is suddenly nearly $70 and all of my budgeting went down the drain. Its been awhile since ive had a panic attack and i hate how numb im feeling now. I can still feel tears forming anytime i tyink too much about my situation, but otherwise I feel empty. I wanna puke. I feel like I’m gonna puke. I couldnt brrath anf bo obe was around. I cant ask for help now, I don’t feel like I deserve it. I should’ve worked harder. I should be more independent. I couldn’t reach out to anyone when I was having the panic attack and now that it’s over with why should I bring it up again? My family will be upset both with themselves and with me for not reaching out but I can’t stand being emotional, especially around others.

It makes me think of a time where my dad was home more often. I’d go to him with my breaks downs and his way of handling it calmed me down, but never helped. He always presented me with logic and facts, reminding me there are some things that can’t change and that I should learn to focus more on the things I can change. To look for the silver lining and learn from my situation.

Today was just a bad day. It started off way too early, on a dark road with nothing to distract me from my thoughts. I should’ve put on music, who knows I might’ve but it didn’t help. I can’t imagine a future in which I’m happy. I’m supposed to live and work until I die. I’m supposed to devote vast amounts of time to a job or career, when no job or career is something that brings me joy. I’m supposed to socialize in my free time but what free time do I have?

Like a job gives you money, but you lose out on time.

Socializing takes time and money in return for happiness(?)

So I work and then don’t have time for friends, or I don’t work and don’t have money for friends.

My budget was tight but it was manageable. Yes there are something’s I would go without to make my dollars last, but it was fine. Now I’m worried about having enough money for gas. I’m planning to visit my friend’s resting place in a couple days, will I have the money to buy her flowers like I wanted?

My head hurts. I’m too wide awake. I feel sick. Why can’t I just be happy? I worked a full time job and I hated life. I’m putting myself back into college and I’m unhappy. I had a time where my life revolved around my social relationships yet still I wasn’t happy. Will I ever be happy?

I miss who I used to be and I hate who I am now but I don’t have the energy to go back. I don’t have the energy to put in effort, for a job, for my schooling, for my family or friends. I just want to be alone and numb. I don’t want to be alone and numb.

Wouldn’t the world be better without me? I mean how many people would actually miss me? My mom and younger brother live so far away we don’t see each other often. They’d learn to live without me since they already do. My older brother and his family would be out an extra babysitter but it’s not like we see each other too often. My nephew isn’t even old enough to remember me. My stepmom would be devastated. But her life would move on. Monday would come and she’d go right back to work. The house would be quieter, and that might eat away at her for a while but eventually things would be the same. My father works over the road so the time I get to see him is often short. He’d probably take my death the hardest. He always wanted to have a happy family. It didn’t work out with my mother but he found someone else who makes him happy. My older brother was too headstrong to fit into the nice family picture my dad tried to make, and they fought more often than not. Now I’m his last chance at having that happy family. The normal nuclear family that he wanted. The child that he wanted to cherish. But I’m broken and he knows it. He slowly tries to piece me together, encouraging me to experience different things in life in the hopes I’ll find something that will make me whole again. But I’m breaking faster then we can pick up the pieces and the things I’d used as glue before are deteriorating. If I died he’d loose his last precious child and it’d destroy him. But my father is stronger than I am. He’d pick up his pieces eventually, though it would take time to glue himself back together I’m sure he could manage. I feel like I’m broken to the point that some pieces can’t be mended. Some pieces of me disintegrated away to dust and no amount of glue can put them back together.

While I’m not mentally stable I am not at risk of harming myself, so please don’t worry about that if you’ve read this far. I mean I did tell my parents I was suited for psych ward life but that’s another financial burden I’d have to consider eventually. It just feels like I’m drowning, and I’m swimming towards the surface as hard as I can but I just can’t break free of the water engulfing me.

#solar vent

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morwap · 2 years ago

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𝐩𝐚𝐲 𝐧𝐨 𝐦𝐢𝐧𝐝 𝐰𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐨𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐫 𝐯𝐨𝐢𝐜𝐞𝐬 𝐬𝐚𝐲. 𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐲 𝐝𝐨𝐧’𝐭 𝐜𝐚𝐫𝐞 𝐚𝐛𝐨𝐮𝐭 𝐲𝐨𝐮, 𝐥𝐢𝐤𝐞 𝐢 𝐝𝐨.

ghostface!regulus black x fem!reader

smut / song used in title

nav • r.a.b m.list

dom!reg, sub!reader,p in v, knife play, oral f! and m! receiving, praise, penetration, blood, cum eating, hair pulling biting, face fucking, porn barely any plot, unprotected sex, use of “good girl” , finger sucking,

───────✧ 𓆩♡𓆪 ✧───────

regulus’ lips brushed against your inner thigh, slowly working his way to your cunt. you felt the plastic of his mask against your side, regulus had taken it off and tossed it somewhere onto your bed before he was in between your legs.

looking down at him, your blankets softly cradling your body, certain places having more fabric squished together. the moonlight coming through your window illuminated your room.

glancing at the ghostface mask, it still freaked you out no matter how many times youd seen it or how many times youve been in this situation with regulus, you hated how bad you still wanted him.

the feeling of something sharp trailed up your thigh, making your attention go back to regulus, you knew he hated when your attention wasnt on him. inhaling deeply as you looked at him. the tip of his knife going from your thigh to your panties, regulus ran the blade over the black bow that was in the middle. they were a gift from him, one he had left at your back door two weeks ago.

regulus moved the knife down, making sure to go slowly down your mound to your slit. gently grazing it against your covered folds. you twitched as he applied pressure where your clit was, watching regulus smirk before moving the knife back to your thigh.

pressing the blade against your thigh, making you whimper a bit. “calm down, im not gonna hurt you” regulus whispered, kissing your clothed cunt then turning his attention to where his knife was, glancing back up at you seeing that you were still slightly nervous about the knife.

“ive never hurt you before, have i?” regulus asked.

moving the knife to the hem of your panties, sliding it under and watching it come out the top. you shook your head ‘no’ but you knew he could if he absolutely wanted to.

the sound of the knife cutting the fabric of your panties was loud in your quiet room. “see? you’re fine.” regulus reassured and kissed the newly exposed area as the flimsy fabric slid down. regulus moved to the other side and looked at before cutting the fabric. the dark red fabric sliding down and revealing your cunt to him. making regulus smile softly.

regulus looked up for your permission, you nodded softly, “please” you whispered. regulus kept the eye contact as he leaned forward and ran his tongue up your cunt, humming at the taste of you. you gripped at your covers as you calmly sighed.

taking his tongue away from you, regulus now used the handle of the knife to spread you open a bit. leaning in and licking on your clit directly, causing you to moan quietly.

the handle moved up and down your slit and regulus would occasionally moved it to your entrance and collect your arousal and then spread it onto your cunt.

“youre so good for me” regulus praised before his tongue swirled around your clit and the handle of the knife brushed against your hole, slowly working the handle into you. your mouth hung open and your eye rolled back as he started thrusting the handle slowly.

curses fell from your mouth quietly, regulus’ free hand gripped your thigh harshly, warning you to watch your mouth. your hand made its way to regulus’ hair and you lightly tugged on his hair trying to bring him deeper.

“harder please” you begged, your thighs starting to tremble a bit. regulus complied, his movements now harsh as he moved the handle in and out of you. regulus could feel the slight sting in his hand from the blade, making him grow harder and the movements made his cock grind against his jeans and the bed.

regulus’ name spilled from your mouth like it was the only word you had ever learned and regulus couldnt be more happy that the only thing on your mind was him— the way it should be, the only way he wanted it to be. he knew your orgasm was building and building and you were so close, contemplating on stopping and watching you squirm and whine for him and only him to make you feel good.

but regulus decided not to, he wanted to watch you shiver has his tongue and knife brought you to your orgasm and see the sleepy look you get after you came and how you were so eager to get him off after and how cuddly you got.

your legs tried to close around regulus’ head but he prevented it. a loud moan came from you as you came on his knife. your chest rapidly moving up and down and your back stayed arched for a minute before his tongue became to much for your sensitive clit and your tried to softly move regulus off it. “ah- ah- too much” you whined loudly and regulus gave a couple final licks before moving his face away.

regulus kept the knife handle in you for a bit, sometimes moving it gently to hear you whimper as it grazed your walls. “such a pretty cunt” regulus complimented, slowly pulling out the handle. regulus smirked as he made his was up your body, you felt his jeans rubs against your cunt making you whimper slightly, regulus hovered over you, taking in your facial expression and watched as you lifted up a bit and rested on your elbows. regulus knew you wanted to be kissed, watching you play it off as just resting on your elbows but he knew you were testing the waters and didnt want to seem desperate.

except thats what regulus wanted, he wanted you desperate and begging for him to do whatever he wanted to you.

leaning in a bit so close to closing the gap between you, you started to close your eyes assuming he was going to kiss you and when you felt his lips brush ever so faintly against yours you longed for it.

feeling something hard press against your lips made you open your eyes.

“open” regulus ordered. he was looking down at you, pressing the handle a little harder on your lip til you opened your mouth. regulus gave a soft approving hum, though you shouldve just opened your mouth as soon as he told you to but he could help you fix that later.

regulus slid the handle into your mouth, pressing it on your tongue. “suck, go on, taste yourself” regulus said, his tone demanding. you closed your mouth around the handle and swirled your tongue around it, in your head wishing it was his cock.

sucking your wetness from it as you and regulus made eye contact. “tastes good huh?” regulus asked, cocking his head and nodding a bit as you hummed in agreement.

regulus glanced at the blade noticing that there was some of his blood on it from how he held it. he took the handle from your mouth and now held the blade close your face. “go on. you know what i want you to do. clean it up, for me” regulus said, making sure to emphasize the ‘for me’ part.

you ran your tongue on the blade, carefully and making sure not to cut yourself as you cleaned his blood from it. regulus smiled, moving the knife and tossing it to where his mask was.

smashing his lips onto yours, tasting his blood on your lips. regulus moved his hips, grinding on you.

regulus’ hand found its way to the back of your neck, pulling you with him as he leaned off you and rested on his knees. your hands kept you pushed up so you two could keep making out. moving yourself so that you could rest on your knees, making sure not to break the kiss.

now having your hands free they traveled to his body. nails running over his skin as he gripped you harder.

you started to lift his shirt, regulus broke the kiss to tug it off and toss it on your bedroom floor then his lips went back to yours.

moving your kisses to his neck then going down as you fumbled with his belt and zipper. kissing and biting his skin as you went, you could hear regulus’ breathing speed up.

you got his jeans down as much as you could, you sucked hickeys onto his vline before moving to his cock, swirling your tongue around his tip. looking up a bit and seeing regulus throw his head back in pleasure, his thighs burned from being in his position but it made it better for him.

“watch your teeth baby” regulus said softly as you bobbed your head on him. you hummed and kept what he said in mind as your swirled your tongue again getting him to moan.

regulus bit his lip, his hands moved to your head, holding you still as he started thrusting into your mouth. his tip hitting the back of your throat, almost gagging you as you tried to keep still.

“breath through your nose y/n, like a good girl” regulus instructed, you did as he said, trying to focus on your breathing as he abused your mouth. regulus’ muscles flexed as he thrusted causing your saliva to trail down the side of your mouth as he chased his release.

tears coming to your waterline as he used you as he pleased, wanting to move a hand from his thigh to your cunt that was growing needy once again but regulus would have to punish you for doing it without asking. keeping your hands on his thigh and feeling them flex under your grip. regulus was now giving his last final thrusts into your mouth, his moans turning whiny and his eyes closed.

you felt it, felt regulus’ cum shoot down your throat as you tried not to choke. his cum was like a reward, it always tasted good to you, a flavor that you couldnt get anywhere else but from him and he loved it, loved that you savored it in your mouth and that you needed him just so you could get a taste.

pulling out of your mouth a bit and you opened your wide, regulus tapped his cock on your tongue as end of his orgasm came. watching the white beads go onto your tongue as you softly hummed in delight. regulus smirked as you licked his slit, desperately trying to get more from him or any you missed.

you swallowed his cum, most of it already went down your throat. regulus gripped your face, bringing your attention back to him and he leaned down and kissed you. tasting himself on your tongue as you moaned into the kiss.

regulus’ other hand trailed to between your legs, his fingers on your clit, moving in circles as your hips started to move a bit and grind onto his hand. your hand held his wrist as you both made out roughly. regulus started move off your bed, stopping his movements and breaking the kiss so he could get undressed fully.

after his jeans and boxers were discarded and laid messily on your floor regulus’ hands went to your shirt, tugging it up and off your body then tossing it to where his jeans were. his mouth met with yours again, you pushed your blankets to the crack between your bed and the wall so you two could have a bigger space without the fabric getting in the way. feeling around for his mask and knife then finally finding it and moving it to lay on the bunched up blankets so they wouldnt fall between the crack.

regulus’ fingers ran over your nipples softly, then hed squeeze your breast and massage the tissue as his tongue made its way into your mouth. your legs spread for him to rest between as your head hit your pillow softly. you moved your hand down to his cock, he was getting hard again.

moving your hand on his cock as he whimpered into your mouth. taking your hand away for just a minute to dip between your folds and gather some of your wetness and then moved back to regulus, stroking him as he got completely hard in your hand.

regulus broke the kiss, breathing heavily and leaned back, taking his own cock into his hand. you let go of him and just watched him as he started to slide himself between your folds. biting your lip as he glided over your clit.

“reggie please. need you in me” you begged as he continued sliding himself on you, enjoying watching the way you spread open.

“get on your stomach” regulus said and catching his breath and you hurried into the position he wanted you in.

regulus gripped your hips, forcing your hips in the air and your back arched. you gripped your pillow as regulus dug his nails into the fat of your ass, his other hand positioning his cock to your entrance.

thrusting into you, making you both moan and take in the feeling. “fuck. you always feel so good” regulus panted as he started to pull out. your eyes closed as he thrusted back into you roughly, you gripped your pillow harder and pressed your face into it.

slapping sounds echoed as he sped up, your bed shook and softly made some noise. you felt regulus’ hand press your face more into the pillow as he kept thrusting, moaning faint swears.

feeling his hand leave from your head and his body move over you, feeling his lips graze your back as moans fell from your mouth freely. you yelped a bit when regulus bit down on your shoulder, then move over a tiny bit and his teeth sank into your skin once again.

kissing over where he bites and sometimes sloppily kissing you cheek then going back to biting you. your eyes started to roll back as the way he was thrusting was hitting every sweet spot of yours. “im so close- m’so close- m’so close” you rambled in a whiny tone, regulus could feel you clenching and spasming around his cock as he thrusted faster.

regulus kissed your back one last time before leaning up, his hand on your hip, pulling you back onto his cock and his other hand now gathered your hair and yanked it, forcing you to let off your pillow and crank your head back, your arms now holding your weight as you head was tilted towards the ceiling.

“cum. cum for me please” regulus moaned, feeling his own orgasm coming. you let out a loud moan and his name fell from your mouth as you came. regulus’ hung open as your cunt clenched tightly around him.

your arms and thighs burned, but you couldnt care less about it since it masked by your orgasm, regulus’ grip got tighter on your hair as his thrusts started to get uneven.

regulus thrusted a few more times before he came inside you, painting you with his cum, filling you up. you hummed as released inside you.

staying like this for a moment, catching your breath as regulus caught his, his grip released your hair and you leaned your forehead on your pillow.

regulus started to pull out and you wanted to tell him to stay inside you but you didnt. regulus started moving your body to you could lay on your back. “spread your legs” regulus said, tapping your thigh and you slowly opened them. his cum was starting to leak out of you, regulus took his finger, running it up your fold causing your to twitch and whine.

“shh, i know, i know” regulus cooed, gently teasing your clit then gathering his cum that was spilling out of you with his fingers.

regulus brought his fingers to your mouth, some dripping onto your lips. opening your mouth and regulus shoved his finger into it, licking and sucking his finger clean.

taking them out and then leaning in and licking the spot where it dripped onto your lip then kissing you.

regulus helped you into the shower, making sure you got clean and then got you dressed in a t-shirt and new panties. getting himself dressed in his clothes before and getting his mask and knife from off your bed and setting it on your dresser.

“stay” you begged as your got into your bed, you hated this, hated that he had to go. you knew he’d leave out the back door then two days later you’d get a gift from him with a little note and then he’d sneak into your house and the cycle repeated.

“you know i cant” regulus sighed, your hand gripping his shirt in a pleading way.

“just for a little bit. just til i fall asleep, please” you whined, tears almost coming to your eyes but you blinked them away fast. regulus huffed and shrugged off his boots.

“fine, fine.” he said as he climbed into bed with you.

“thank you” you whispered as you got comfortable with his arms around you, your back pressed against his chest.

#ghostface!regulus #morwaps.dark #regulus black #regulus black x reader smut #regulus black x reader #regulus black smut #ghostface!regulus black smut #ghostface!regulus black x reader #sub!reader #dom!regulus black #marauder era #dark!regulus black

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