#but ive had intrusive thoughts for as long as my memory lasts

[jackal-202]

thinking about the cognitive dissonance that came with growing up with intrusive thoughts

[yuuricino]

UMMM if this is not an intrusive question, could you pls explain the process of you transitioning? Like whatever made you feel you were with the wrong body? And how did it bother you sm? This is plain curiosity. If u wish pls help me understand.

ahhhh hi hi it's not intrusive at all!

so for me it was really something that took time for me to understand because i didn't know that people were allowed to feel different yk

when i was a child i wore boys clothes because it made me feel happy, during playtime i called dibs on the boy characters, my avatars in video games were exclusively male.

i felt really uncomfortable wearing certain things like skirts and certain shirts and even different types of shoes. my mom said i was really picky and difficult about it lol.

for a while i sort of started wearing skirts and stuff, around 11 to 13 yrs old but, idk it was an odd period for me. i just wanted to be someone my mother liked yk. anyway, for most of my schooling id been in an all girls school up until gr7 when i moved cross country and schools. this new school was co-ed and it was really weird because i felt excluded a lot of the time because i wasn't...yk i didn't act like most of the girls and the people i thought id fit in with didn't like the way i did things LOL. i just felt alienated and like an imposter because i wasn't doing....girl right? iykwim

then i went to highschool a year later and i was shoved back into an all girls class for two years where i realised i properly like girls, except i thought i was homophobic because i didn't like the lesbian label or the bisexual label even though id tried out both at some point. it was like, i know i like girls and i haven't liked a guy properly but that doesn't make me lesbian because...but what if it does because im a girl, right? (spoiler alert, i do like guys and i realised that i could use the label queer without it being a slur also cue asexuality)

anyway, i was introduced to non-binary and it was a reaaaal relief. im telling you, once i was seen as something that wasn't an uncomfortable little girl it was good. but it still didn't feel right so i toyed around with androgyny except i didn't like how uncertain it made me feel yk?

im not saying that people who are enby or androgynous are wholly uncertain but i didn't want to feel like a poseur because i KNEW what i wanted but i didn't know if it was real.

i dont remember when this happened but somebody introduced me to he/they and they/he pronouns and i grasped onto that and it was okay for a while. still didn't feel like i was going it right because i had long hair and wore skirts and was still called a girl or non-binary and i hated my name and everything about the uncertainty yk? like it just came back out of nowhere

then one day this little boy comes up to me, i kid you not it's a CORE MEMORY for me, but this kid approaches me and he's like "are you a boy or a girl" and i start panicking because im not a girl and i hate being a girl and im not a boy because...i mean i don't even look like one right? so i ask him "what do you think i am?" and he says, without even thinking about "you look like a boy. i think you're a boy." and

yk, ive never smiled so wide in my life. i told him "yeah you're right" and he FISTBUMPS ME and im all giddy and excited and i text my best friend @d-rxse and im like OMGOMG YOULL NEVER BELIEVE WHAT HAPPENED DUDE anyway that was three years ago

then i got moved to a co-ed class

it kind of went to shit after that because as soon as i came out as trans i got a new boyfriend and he had never dated a trans person before so for a while he used he/they pronouns for me and we called each other boyfriends up until maybe april of last year where he told me he was uncomfortable with it

so i was an idiot and threw away all my progress and said "you can call me your gf and use they/them pronouns and she/her in front of your friends" and yeah 👍🏼 progress gone. down the drain.

i fixed it tho, by the end of last year i was so done with his bullshit, i broke up with him a week after school started this year, cut my hair short, changed my name, pronouns and got a new phone. cut him out of my life completely. ive never been happier

[bastardrobocop]

not being funny, not being melodramatic i hope, but i feel like the last year has broken me in a lot of ways. 2023 i mean. i watched a long term relationship disintegrate in my hands until the ultimate betrayal of my trust and safety. i was so stressed and so fucked up all the time.

and now like, i can feel im withdrawing from my friends, im engaging in unhealthy behaviors i will not specify here, despite it all im more lonely than ive ever been, my hobbies are starting to feel like dust in my mouth, and while i'm not actively suicidal, the thought isnt far from my mind in that nasty intrusive thought sort of way.

there are nice things. i have the place to myself. the bed to myself. its quiet. but i feel like ive exhausted the amount of patience people have with me talking about what ive gone through. and as is the nature of things i dont feel as though ive built character or come through hardened. i feel mad. hurt. i want to hurt xer back somehow. take something back because something was taken from me. i feel like i have no recourse. god knows if xe'll hurt someone like xe hurt me again. but thats not even my primary motivation. i just hate feeling like theres nothing. no justice. no satisfaction. nothing that makes being raped a more tolerable experience, which is a silly thing to say. but you understand, right? like, sure i could post somewhere highly visible "In December of 2023 well known SCP Wiki author UraniumEmpire sexually assaulted me" but like what would that accomplish? it sure would put me under a microscope. its a surreal sentence too. hard to explain why. maybe its ultraminor celebrity combined with knowledge that inevitably it can just be denied and nobody will listen.

you know before now i never really noticed how much people fetishize sexual assault? "CNC" and the like. i dont care for it. i dont think they know. its frustrating as an adult online trying to navigate adult spaces. i know its an odd topic, but im fully stream of consciousness right now. i'll see something and it hits me in the gut and so i block the user or close the thing or leave the discord call. yet another addition to the list of things that make my tastes so exacting.

i feel like i should come to some overall point but the only thing coming to mind right now is just 'i hate this'. and i do. i hate this so much. i'm crying a lot more. at stupid things. weird things. memories. dreams. this post. the funny thing is that despite it all, despite the content, despite everything, i hope people read it. i like feeling like i exist. i like feeling real to other people. reminding folks that im not just a joke machine. i have an internal world. i have had a life that's lead me here and despite advantages it has not been good.

did i ever talk about how my high school graduation went? odd digression, bear with me. i feel like its emblematic of how things typically go for me. it's the day i graduate high school. i come downstairs to find my mother on skype with my kansas family. my grandfather is dying. they put him on skype. i watch him die over skype. after sitting alone for some time, i tell my parents i do not want to go through with high school graduation. i am forced to regardless. it is the most miserable day of my life. nobody listens to what i need in the moment. i go through with it, and then we are all shepherded to some kind of entertainment center. for reasons i cannot fathom, we are not allowed to leave for a couple hours. enforced fun time. they bring a stage hypnotist. i sit in silence and watch his antics. i get up and ask one of the people supervising us if i can leave now. they finally say yes. my mother takes me home. she asks if i have a nice time. i say of course i didnt. we drive home in silence.

i have have very rarely felt understood. very rarely felt like i was built to exist in the world. i feel as though i have an expiration date beyond the obvious one. i have grown older and watched people i know operate normally in the world and wondered how they do it. it never clicked for me. autism, transness, otherings. experts looked at me, told me i needed accommodations. never really got them, or they didnt help.

this is getting too long. i asked myself partway through if this was a suicide note but concluded that it wasn't. this is primarily because im scared if i die, they'll separate my cats. adopt them to different homes. they're best friends, they should not be kept apart. i love my cats, even when they're breaking shit and tearing open trash bags.

final paragraph. this whole post thing is probably going to sound embarrassing to me when i have hindsight on it. oh well. i am going to hit the post button now.

[disjenyamembra]

long jenyapost. might que might delete idk honestly. its positive though

my last half a year has been pretty hard and to be honest so has my last year as whole. however, in the last few months ive been getting better and better and i feel like now is the best i have felt in a long time. i re read a lot of my older thoughts and the through line is clear. i feel like shit and i want to feel better. i know i will get better. and honestly, yeah, i did!

this is especially exciting to me because i feel really glad i managed to get into a stable state of mind in time for my birthday. my life seems so beautiful and full of joy. of course, i still struggle from time to time, i still have intrusive thoughts i have to deal with, but overall i feel so much more alive. in july i felt like i gave all i had to give (and did so like two months prior, essentially running on empty). it has been almost half a year now and i made a lot of wonderful memories in that time. i feel supported and loved. this summer i really struggled with identity diffusion and for a while i didnt even feel like i was a person at all. now i feel like myself and my enjoyment of the world feels truly my own. this autumn has been the warmest one i felt in years. i manage to look forward to tomorrow. i work on my art, i hang out with lovely ppl, i play games and listen to music. im even going to get a new synth soon!

life is so full of color

heres to another 24 years

[eric-the-bmo]

Tell me more about Ven pls!!

Oh!!!!!! Oh Ven my beloved!!! He’s so awful okay where do I start oh goodness-

{warnings for mentions of cannibalism, manipulation, memory loss, and suicide ideation}

Also all of this is from memory, I haven’t checked his character document in like half a year-

So! Mechanically speaking, Ven is a dnd character I have yet to play (im so sorry, ive got you intrigued by my dnd oc), but I’ve planned out events in my head and he essentially functions as a whump oc, my funky little pathetic magician who will be covered in blood. In regards to Dungeons and Dragons, he’s an Aberrant Mind Sorcerer with the Haunted One background <3

He likes poetry, peppermint tea, the color green, and would really just prefer to live peacefully in Meadowvale with his wife. He’s quiet and a bit nervous, and is reluctant to admit he has magic and has a habit of talking to himself. He dislikes being pushed on certain topics and will erupt in anger if continued to be pushed, and will often stalk off to read poetry to calm down (nerd). He also likes cooking, and carries around a journal that functions as both a poetry book and diary. He has very long fingers, a sign that his body has already begun to change from delayed ceremorphosis. I’m uh, I’m not the best at describing personalities? Maybe I’ll ramble more but here’s his backstory:

Ven showed up to Meadowvale around 8 years ago and bought an empty bookshop to use as his own. He was very religious and never spoke much about his past, even to Ophelia, the captain of the guard who would eventually become his wife. The two of them got married, and it rained, but that was okay. A little over a year ago in the current timeline, he suddenly disappeared. Search parties were sent out but to no avail, and eventually Ophelia hired a passing adventuring party (who called themselves the Dice Crew, and might lowkey be wanted by the law) to go find him. They did in fact find him, in the woods, and while he was a bit apprehensive they managed to bring him back to her. Unfortunately what they didn’t realize was that during his time being missing, he was being held captive in a mind flayer lair (hooray!). He had fit the requirements for the ceremorphosis process, and so an illthid tadpole was inserted into his brain via his eye. Before it was inserted, however, he prayed to every deity he could think of, begging for them to come save him. None of them did, of course, and in his last moments before the parasite ate away at him he vowed to never worship them again. Anyway he has Extreme Memory Loss, and one of the only things he remembers is that the gods did not help him (help him with what, exactly, he doesn’t remember). (Also fun fact it’s implied there are other people like him who got implanted with parasites, hooray)

He eventually get reaccustomed to everything, but due to so many townspeople worrying over him he eventually felt,,, guilty? He dislikes being pitied, and perhaps if I had the words I could explain it better. This is around the time he starts to develop some sort of PTSD from what happened- disliking things going near his eyes, panicking whenever he sees a tadpole or some kind of multi-legged bug, nightmares he can’t quite remember. Ophelia tries her best to help him (genuinely let’s acknowledge how she’s also going through a lot atm, we love Ophelia in this household) This is also when the parasite residing in his brain starts to act up. More migraines, sleepwalking (*cough* it’s possession *cough*), things like that. The parasite also communicates with Ven, although since he doesn’t know of its existence, he merely thinks it’s his own thoughts, and often speaks out loud “with himself” to try and figure out his thoughts. Cere essentially functions as intrusive thoughts, self-hatred and anxiety for Ven. One day in the summer a man enters the shop with a dagger and threatens to kill Ven, implying he knows the poet. Ven, having no recollection of this man, tries to deesculate the situation. The stranger lunges at him, and in this moment of stress- Well, his body’s psionic magics have slowly been building up for a long time. With all of it suddenly being unlocked, well... the man was torn apart, and Ven entered a panic attack. Unbeknownst to himself, he used his magic to make Ophelia hide the body, and he was afraid of this newfound sorcery. His guilt over being a supposed burden to his wife, as well as all of his guilt over murdering a stranger/ his anxiety over being found out, his fears of hurting Ophelia with his magic... There were a lot of factors, one of them being Cere’s manipulation, of course, that pushed him to leave. He reasoned that if he became an adventurer, he could find a way to get rid of his horrible magic. He secretly gathered up everything he felt he needed to become an adventurer, and on his and Ophelia’s wedding anniversary they spent the entire day together. It was nice. He left in the middle of the night, with a letter on the counter explaining why he had gone. He promises her he will write to her (there will be no address listed, to prevent her from tracking him down. He wants to do this himself.), and that he will come home eventually.

While he doesn’t have a good grasp on his magic yet (sometimes accidentally using it), he has a good enough grasp that he can manipulate it enough to avoid killing anyone with it. AKA, his spellcasting primarily focuses on Utility, Enchantments, Area of Effect, anything besides violence, although he does have a few small-damage spells. Despite having a green color palette, his magic is purple, a color that’s primarly used for Ceremorph. When using his Metamagic or using extra Spell Slots (AKA when he uses too much magic ig), it will result in a nosebleed.

Eventually Ven will discover the parasite in his brain, as well as the fact he’s becoming a mind flayer, and it just overall won’t be a very fun time for him (he has a horrible mental breakdown and temporarily goes insane, because the way he finds out is that he blacks out and wakes up in the middle of eating a man’s brain). I’ve a few scenes in mind, such as him considering bashing his head against the wall. My personal favorite is where he considers staking himself with the tools from his monster hunting kit, because isnt he a monster? Isnt it better to destroy himself now, rather than watch himself become worse? He’ll decide against it, saying he promised Ophelia he’d come home. (It’s also because even I don’t want him to die like that, that’s too dark for me. I want this poet to get better.)

he has such low self esteem, he doesn’t want to bother people and so he doesnt bring up his trauma at all and feels bad when he needs to be comforted. He has religious trauma and an avoidance coping mechanism and it’s so terribly bad, bestie u cant run from the parasite in ur brain. He wants to help others to try and prove he’s not a bad person, that he’s not a monster, and despite making bad decisions he doesn’t want to hurt anyone. He likes cooking, eventually he’ll only be able to be a cannibal. He’s a bit of an asshole. He’s against murder and will try to find another way to apprehend enemies, but hates the Gods and will in fact try to stab one (with the Stranger’s Dagger, mind you, because I love parallels), deep down he’s worried he did something that caused him to lose the Gods’ favor. He’s got PTSD from two fucking events, I want him to hallucinate. Ophelia deserves to be really pissed at him. He’s gonna have a horrible time, I want him to have a happy ending after everything he’s gone though.

He’s my pathetic little poet and I adore him, he’s in a psychological horror movie <3

[yesttoheaven]

AMOR FATI

pairing – neil x female!reader

wc – 3.8k

warnings – mention of death, self-blame, anxious/intrusive thoughts, questioning reality, refusal of help, guns, stalking, but I swear there's a light at the end of the tunnel haha

a/n – The last time I suffered so hard for the death of a character, was when Newt died (Maze Runner) and now Neil has captured all my attention and his death has hit me in the same way 😩 I needed a happy ending so I decided to write this!

The Eternal Return and Amor Fati mentioned in this fic are one of the main ideas of Nietzsche's philosophy.

English is not my first language. I am getting help from google translator and he is not always a good ally, so I apologize for any typos or grammar errors.

Y/N – your name

She approached the painting hanging on the wall, watching the details closely. Ouroboros. A serpent eating its own tail. Months ago, when Y/N was visiting an antique store in Mumbai, she saw that same symbol. The owner of the establishment approached when she realized her interest in the piece and explained that Ouroboros represents the ideas of movement, continuity and, in consequence, Eternal Return. A concept that the universe and all existence and energy has been recurring, and will continue to recur, in a self-similar form an infinite number of times across infinite time or space.

"Max finally fell asleep." Kat returned to the living room, attracting Y/N's attention.

She walked away from the painting, taking back her seat on the sofa and asked:

"How is he after everything that happened?"

For a moment, Kat looked at the painting on the wall and then at the friend she won in the midst of confusion over the Algorithm. At that time, despite being fighting on the front lines to prevent a possible Third World War, Y/N seems complete. Happy. Today that happiness no longer exists in her eyes.

Letting out a sigh, the woman sat next to her, answering:

"Sator was never a present father. He was always busy... now i can see the kind of work he was involved in. Anyway, Max just got used to his absence."

"It's notable that he's happier at your side. When we first met Max was a bit of an introvert, but today he is radiant." Y/N confessed, showing a small smile and the blonde shook her head, agreeing with her words. "How's everything?"

"Perfectly well. It's weird sometimes... After years of being stuck in a failed relationship, freedom is good."

"It seems like life is good for one of us." The woman let out a bitter laugh, putting the latest events on a scale, but she didn’t want her friend to think she wasn’t happy for her. She really was. "I'm sorry, I just..." The words remain stuck in her throat, while she covers her face with her hands. In addition to physical and mental fatigue, Y/N tried to hide her grief.

Kat touched her shoulder, showing that she was here.

"I know you're hurt, but it's been three months and you never talked about what happened that day... This is not good for you."

"What do I have to say, Kat? The guy I fell in love with was a fucking time traveler! And now he's dead and I don't know what to do. My life just... stopped without him."

"I can imagine how difficult it's for you to cross that line without Neil at your side, but giving up is not an option. Grief is consuming you little by little and you are just accepting it..."

"We are trained to contain our emotions and deal with death in the best possible way. It used to be easy for me, but then he came and turned my life upside down." Y/N put her hands on her knees and stood up, walking without an exact destination. "Neil was always one step ahead of us all..." She stepped forward too and found the painting again, but her mind was lost in thoughts about him. Neil knew her so well. And he had a charming smile, but completely arrogant at the same time. "I was sent to Mumbai to help two agents and when I arrived at Priya's penthouse that night, there he was. When he saw me, that was the first and only time that he let his guard down. I'll never forget how he looked at me, it was one of those breathtaking moments... Completely cliché, I know."

On the sofa, Kat was impressed. When Y/N turned towards her, there was a bright smile on her face. The simple memory brought her a breath of happiness and Kat enjoyed seeing her friend like that, but unfortunately that moment did not last long. Memories aren't enough. Neil is dead and nothing can change that.

"I miss him so much, Kat." The smile disappeared as soon as tears appeared in her eyes, cascading down her cheeks.

"My dear..." Worried about her, the woman got up quickly and approached Y/N, wrapping her in a tight hug. "I'm really sorry."

"I spent the last three months locked up in my a-apartment because I thought I could handle this situation on my own. At times I b-believed it was just a fever dream... Maybe I was losing my mind, but this is proof that everything was real." Through tears blurring her vision, she looked at the watch on her wrist, remembering that night.

Y/N was in a private cabin on the ship. The others were with Ives and Wheeler, going over the mission in search of any loose ends. A standard procedure. Y/N knew she should be with them, but she needed a moment alone to organize her thoughts. And that moment is now. The past few weeks had been a real mess. The inversion was difficult to explain and mainly to understand. She was used to field missions, but being an inverted soldier on the battlefield was not in her plans. Either way, she agreed to be a part of it and running away with biased assumptions was not going to help. Humanity depends on them.

Three knocking on the door caught Y/N's attention, but she remained silent, waiting for the person to give up and leave, but when it didn't, she just murmured 'Come in'.

"So, here you are." The man used a surprised tone of voice and closed the door behind him. "What will our superior think when he learns that you are running away from the briefing?"

She let out a laugh before answering in the same mood:

"Don't worry, I know this mission like the back of my hand. I just needed a moment."

"There's something wrong? Are you ok?" Neil spilled the questions quickly, visibly concerned for her.

"Yeah, I'm fine, Neil." Y/N smiled at him, but looked away just seconds later, confessing: "Maybe I'm a little surprised by the situation. I have spent years dealing with terrorists, but the inversion is really not my point."

"I'm not good with advice, but someone once said to me: Don't try to understand. Certain things in the world do not need an explanation."

"It's wise advice, but I'm a methodical person. Logic has always been my ally in missions."

"A methodical person, huh?" He asked with an arrogant smile playing on his lips and she just rolled her eyes. "I know how worried you were when Sator shot Kat, but we are using the inversion to save the world and you're one of the most brilliant agents I have ever seen. Everything will be fine."

"Are you praising me?"

"What's that? Can't I praise my partner's talent?" Neil pulled up a chair to sit across from her, crossing his arms.

"In that case, thank you. Remind me to put this on my resume." Those words made him laugh and that sound could easily be compared to music in her ears.

Touching her knee, Neil added:

"We are very confident with the mission. You don't need to worry."

"Are you sure?"

"I cannot say that unforeseen events do not happen, but we are prepared for that." Y/N knew he was right, but this mission is the biggest one so far. It's not about saving a country. It's about saving the entire world. This was arousing insecurities in her and it was like walking in a minefield. Ironically, she was familiar with this, but not in such catastrophic proportions. "I want you to have this." The man took his watch off his wrist and handed it to her.

"What’s that supposed to mean?" The question came out as a whisper from between her lips.

It didn't make sense. Why does everything in this conversation look like a farewell?

"We will be on opposite sides tomorrow, but i want you to know... I will always be with you, Y/N."

"I saw the way he looked at you... That's how I used to look at Sator before he became a monster in my life." Kat started, running a hand through Y/N's hair. "When I was lying on that stretcher and partially drugged with the medicines, I saw him beside you... watching you sleep. There was so much love in his eyes. Love for a lifetime, Y/N. So don't do this to yourself. The way he left hurt us all, but there was nothing you or any other agent could do to change what happened at Stalask-12. Neil saved the world. This gave us a second chance. You cannot give up now. This organization needs you. And keeping your mind busy at that moment is the first step towards a fresh start."

"N-No, I can't..." She broke the hug, shaking her head in denial. "I left the organization."

"What? Don't you work for Tenet anymore? But when we first met you told me that you can't imagine working in another area... And that this is your life's work."

"Being an agent is my life's work. I was in Yemen when Tenet found me and assigned me to this mission. My only job is to make this world a less hostile place, but the motto of this organization is not what I believe, Kat. What's happened's happened. Really? It doesn't work for me." Y/N ended the sentence with drops of anger in her voice and Kat did not say a single word.

Through the newspapers, Max's mother followed what was happening in Yemen over the years – a real endless war – and knowing that Y/N was in the middle of it, makes the situation unquestionable. People died in front of her eyes. Friends of the corporation. And then some time later, Tenet arrived with a fresh start, but in the end everything remained the same. She lost Neil. It is as if her life's work never had a happy ending because the world will never stop being a hostile place.

"He knows?" It was easy for Y/N to identify who she was talking about. The Protagonist. Or just TP.

"Here's another problem. I worked with him and indirectly worked for him at the same time! God, that man created this organization! And his name remains a mystery to us all!" She pinched the tip of her nose, feeling frustrated with all the secrets that haunt this organization. "And answering your question, yes, he knows, but he did not argue about it. I was a complete mess and he was not doing very well either... He stayed in my apartment for the first month, probably to make sure I didn't do anything stupid." And Y/N would be forever grateful for that. She likes him. Just as friends, of course. TP was a reserved man, but it was he who held her when everything was falling apart. "But we've had a fight. I blamed him for what happened at Stalask-12 and since then we haven't spoken anymore."

It was easy to see that they carried more pain than they could actually bear. Y/N lost her great love and the man lost his best friend. The situation just turned into a conflict between them and that was the result.

Realizing the sadness reflected in Y/N's eyes, Kat decided to change the subject of the conversation. Keeping that thought, she smiled and pointed to the painting on the wall. Maybe that could help.

"You seemed interested in this one."

"Oh yes, in my spare time I am a lover of art and its meanings. It is really attractive the way Ouroboros is connected to the Eternal Return..."

"And Amor Fati too." Kat completed, piquing Y/N's curiosity. This part was new to her. "It's impossible to affirm the Eternal Return without loving life. We need to learn that things happen as they do. Sometimes seemingly good. Sometimes seemingly bad. We don’t always get it our way... Unless we choose that whatever way it is, is our way. When we choose to Amor Fati, to love everything that happens, to love our fate, then we will always get it our way. Because the way it is, is the way it is. Unchangable. And therefore it must be good, even if it sucks."

These words touched Y/N's heart. This was a contradiction to what she is experiencing right now. Love your fate. She would like to understand and accept what happened, she really wanted, but why is it so difficult to move on?

Because Neil is dead.

That was the only explanation for her. The end of a relationship would be more acceptable. If he were alive, things would be completely different now. However, grief is overwhelming. How could she just accept what happened?

"I... I gotta go." That was all she managed to say before picking up her bag and leave the penthouse, ignoring Kat's protests.

When the elevator doors closed, an exhausted sigh left her mouth and the instant she saw her reflection in the mirror, Y/N wanted to cry again. After three months alone, she thought visiting her friend would be a good idea. Kat was willing to help, but the problem was that Y/N is not allowing herself to be helped. As soon as the doors opened, she left the metal box and found the hotel lobby partially empty. Her watch showed it was 3:13 AM, this explains the absence of people on the street as well. In front of her car, she searched the bag for the key and coincidentally her cell phone started to vibrate. Probably the text messages were from Kat, but confusion hit Y/N the instant she looked at the identifier and saw that the messages did not belong to any of her contacts.

Stay away from the car

They put a bomb

I'm on my way

Her first reaction was to take a few steps back and look around, trying to understand what’s going on and find the person responsible for these texts, but Y/N was alone in the dark street. When she thought it might be an unnecessary prank, a black SUV approached at high speed. The car stopped just a few meters away from where she was, but that was enough to make her body freeze.

"Y/N, come on!" The man exclaimed, the urgency in his voice would have made her run immediately, but she didn't move. Her feet had frozen on the floor. This cannot be real. "Come on, get in the car! We don't have much time!" He tried again, it was possible to hear the sound of the other cars approaching.

Y/N watched in slow motion the moment he left the car and ran towards her, wrapping his arms around her waist.

"How is this possible?" She asked in a whisper, completely lost in his blue eyes.

"It's good to see you too." Neil admitted, feeling his heart race. She looked so fragile in his arms. Very different from the last time he saw her. "We have to go." He accompanied her to the car and as soon as Y/N took the passenger seat, he returned to his seat.

For her this moment was like a fever dream, so she just looked down and started counting her fingers. One, two, three, four, five... Neil noticed, but said nothing, just kept driving. The cars were fast approaching, but he would do everything possible and impossible to get Y/N away from these people.

"Give me your cell phone." He looked at her for a brief moment, but when Y/N didn’t react, he wasn't sure if she heard it, so he just took the phone from her hand and threw it out the window. That was enough to get her out of the numbness:

"What the fuck, Neil?!"

Despite the adrenaline rushing through his body, the man laughed.

"If I found you because of your cell phone, they can too." After that, he crossed the red light and made a risky turn, trying to end this chase. "Before you ask, no, this is not a dream. Unfortunately this is very real..." Neil didn't like what he saw when he adjusted the rearview mirror. "And now they are getting ready to shoot us."

That observation put Y/N on alert and she looked back, seeing a man with an AKS-74U and another with a Beretta M12.

"If you knew it wasn't a dream, why didn't you bring an armored car?" She ran her tongue between her lips, smiling at the man beside her. Neil tried to argue, but she just took off her seat belt and picked up the Glock 19 stuck in the vest he was wearing.

Y/N crawled out of the car and sat at the window opening. This encouraged the men in the two cars to start shooting, trying desperately to hit her. Neil shouted something that she couldn't understand and then she felt one of his hands on her thigh, giving her stability to continue with the plan. With her arm resting on the roof of the vehicle, Y/N aimed the gun at the car that was closest to them. Her intention was not to start a firefight in the middle of one of the main avenues in the city, but she had no other option. Holding her breath, she fired the first shot and the bullet hit the tire, taking the car out of circulation. Y/N celebrated while preparing for the second car, but dealing with this one was not an easy task. Now they were in a tunnel and, consequently, losing speed because of the other cars that came along the way. Neil left two pats on her leg, indicating that she had better get back in the car and that is what she did. Screams, honks and gunshots echoed through the tunnel, turning the place into a war zone. Whoever these men were, Y/N knew they weren't going to give up.

Tired of playing cat and mouse, she went to the back seat, getting on her knees. Through the broken glass above the trunk, Y/N adjusted the aim of her gun, ignoring the sniper and focusing on the driver. With another accurate shot, the bullet hit the man's chest and he lost control of the vehicle. The car overturned for a while, streaking the asphalt, but no other car was involved in the accident. Y/N sighed in relief and looked for another possible threat, just checking, but when she realized that the area was clean, she returned to the passenger seat, leaving the gun on the dashboard in front of her.

"Next time I'm going to get an armored car." Neil comments, stepping on the gas. "Nice shot, by the way."

"Anytime." Y/N smiled, trying to control her breathing.

With the adrenaline disappearing from her body, it was hard for her to believe that this was really happening. For many nights she cried, wondering what it would be like if Neil just came back to her, but now she was afraid to wake up and realize that it was just another vivid dream.

The sun was rising when they arrived in a shed away from the city. Seen from the outside, the place was a little scary, but the interior wasn't that bad. There was some equipment like trackers, walkie-talkie, bulletproof vests, weapons, ammunition; a table with a mess of papers and on the other side two beds and something that Y/N supposed to be a private bathroom.

"Where we are?"

We. That simple word echoed in her mind. Y/N thought that "we" didn't exist anymore.

"For now in a safe place. It's dangerous for you out there." He answered the question and took a bottle of water, handing it to her after taking a generous sip.

"Who are these people, Neil?" She wanted answers, lots of answers, and that frustrated the british spy because for the first time he didn't know what could happen.

Neil had a mission and that mission ended with him dying in Stalask-12, but after what TP did, everything changed.

"We have a name..." He wanted to say more, he wanted to reassure her, but that was all he had at the moment.

Y/N drank some water and left the bottle on the table, looking at some reports and photos. All photos were of the same man.

Lenard Vaher

"But apparently they don't just want you..."

It took a few seconds and when the realization hit Y/N, concern appeared on her face.

No, not him.

"Where's TP? He's safe, right?"

"He was going to see you when Lenard's men kidnapped him. This happened three weeks ago." And considering the anger in Neil's voice, finding TP was proving an almost impossible task, but in the midst of so much concern, one point attracted Y/N's attention.

"You said he was going to see me..."

"There was something he needed to tell you." Neil sighed, resting his hands on the table. A few strands of blond hair fell over his forehead, but he quickly shook his head back, as he always did. "He returned to Stalask-12, Y/N."

After that statement, the only sound that could be heard was Neil's footsteps closing the distance between them and the first thing she did was put her hand on his chest, feeling his heartbeat. Neil smiled. And that was not one of his famous smiles. That was a shy smile. His heart was beating like a drum and it was all because of her. Loving Y/N was something so special and pure, that Neil accepted his fate without a second thought. Saving the world, he was giving her a second chance to live, but now he is the one who received a second chance.

"I missed you every day." Before she could begin to consider the meaning behind his words, he settled his mouth upon hers, robbing her of thought.

She closed her eyes and melted against him, flattening her hands on his arms. Neil caught her bottom lip in his teeth, nibbling and licking at it until she thought she might perish from the intensity of the feeling. She whimpered at the sensation, and he rewarded the sound by deepening the kiss, giving her everything she desired. His tongue stroked hers, slow and insistent. A lush, decadent pleasure unfolded within them, snaking through their veins as though it had lain coiled in anticipation for years.

Just waiting for this moment.

––––––––––––––––––––––––

a/n – really hope you enjoy it and thank you soooo much for reading ;)

[notcolleen]

idk if im even doing ~read mores correctly on mobile anymore lol but oh well

[[MORE]]

im just gonna take this time as i wait (and wait) (and wait) (and then refresh again) (and wait) to type out everything that has been swirling around in my brain

so! on a wildly more personal note ive been having intrusive thoughts about a family thing that happened in high school, it’s become kind of hazy bc i tend to shut down when i actually think abt it but lately i know i genuinely want to process it / get a clearer idea of what happened so i can work through it

but the problem is my family literally just never talked about it after it happened, like that day was completely erased from their memories and no one wants to acknowledge that it could still be having lasting effects on our whole family

and it involves my parents and brother….,and my mom can’t be the most reliable narrator with her memory rn so i don’t think i can ask her abt it if i want a clear picture of what happened…..and i know i’d have two very conversations with my dad if i were to bring it up, depending on his budlight intake that day lol but i don’t know if im ready to have that serious of a conversation with a man i just started speaking to again within the last year…..and i am 99.9999% sure would lose any trust/relationship i have with my brother if i were to even attempt to talk to him abt it and i can’t stand the idea of that bc it’s already so hard to reach/understand him

it’s something i have not ever been able to approach in therapy, despite getting pretty deep into various traumas over the years, partly bc of a sense of protectiveness over my brother and partly because ive had very few therapists that i was able to work long enough and connect with/develop the trust needed to discuss it

like i think abt getting back into therapy, obviously to address my ongoing anxiety, eating disorder, etc, and i should go back for that, no arguments there

but i think it would take consistent, long term therapy before i would be able to approach this and the idea of needing to form that with a new therapist has been making me put off even starting (and then i start missing my old therapists, which in turn makes me nostalgic for treatment, and then i put off everything more because i hate going back to that mental place)

ive also noticed (thanks to google image memories) that april/may is historically just a terrible time in terms of my mental health over the years and im curious if my Body is Keeping Score of times that i have chosen to block out/ignore lol

(hoping my results were posted in the time this took to type out 🤠 off to refresh again)

[whumpflumpthump]

So... I’m Back With More Mac Whump ;)

So I am apparently very bored today.  I feel like the week between Christmas and New Year’s (for those who celebrate them), always feels like a kind of limbo, but that might just be me :p.  Anyways...at least it is helping me to actually write things... 

Warnings:  Referenced nightmares, bad memories, past related trauma, imagined violence, and self-blaming are present in this fic, so if these trigger you, please be safe!  I put Mac through a lot of mental trauma in this fic, if you or someone you know is suffering from this, please, find someone to talk to, believe me, it will help, and know that I am always open to talk about anything.  Please, be safe.

Again, if you have anything MacGyver related that you want me to write, be sure to send me an ask! I would love to write something you guys want to see!

Takes place about two weeks after 2x4.

....

“Well, goodnight Mac, see you tomorrow, bright and early!” Riley said cheerily as she walked out the door.  The team had just gotten back from a successful mission to take down a criminal group that had been blackmailing government officials in Europe.  As per tradition, they had all come to Mac’s house to celebrate with beer around the fire.  Riley was the last to leave, and Bozer was already in his room, getting ready for bed, if not already asleep.

“Bye Riles.”

As soon as Mac had waved goodbye to Riley, his cheerful, but forced smile fell from his face, and he slid down to the couch, his head in his hands. 

God, he was tired.

He had tried his best to keep it together during their mission, but the truth was, he hadn’t been sleeping nearly as much as he needed to.  Every time he went to sleep, he was back in the room with Murdoc looming over him.  Sometimes, he would speak and taunt Mac, but other times, he would just stand and stare at him, with a strange look in his eyes. It was almost, possessive.  Whatever it was, it sent a shudder through Mac every time he thought about it. Lately, though, it was getting worse.  The nightmares didn’t stay confined to when he was asleep, they happened when he was awake too.

He knew he was overreacting.

It’s over.  You’re safe.

No matter how many times he told himself that, his mind wouldn’t cooperate.  

He came up to your door last time.  Who’s to say that he won’t be able to just walk in and take you again?

Mac shook his head trying to clear it of those unwelcome thoughts, and slowly stood up. He wanted to sleep, no he needed to sleep.  He could barely function today, if he continued like this, how long would it be before he was a danger to his team.  To Jack, to Riley.  He wouldn’t be able to forgive himself if his stupid fears put one of his friends, no, his family in danger.  

With that thought in mind, he forced himself to walk into the bathroom and get ready for bed.  He went through the motions, washing his face, brushing his teeth, but he still slept fully clothed.  He couldn’t bring himself to sleep without being fully prepared to jump up and defend himself at a moment’s notice, a habit formed during his time in the Army that had come back full swing the past few weeks.

He slowly walked into his bedroom, and sat down on this bed, not fully prepared to lie down and succumb to the darkness that would leave him defenseless against the nightmares that would inevitably follow.

Cold, metal handcuffs digging into his wrists.

The slight pressure of the IV needle sticking into his arm, the liquid inside making his mind muddled and leaving him without his greatest weapon.

The whistling that signaled the return of his psychopathic kidnapper.

The sharp pain as Murdoc twisted the needle in his arm.

Mac dug his fingers into the pillow as he tried to clear his head of the intrusive thoughts.

He didn’t even try to stop the tears that started rolling down his cheeks as the thoughts continued.  

You’re weak.  You are going to be the reason that Jack, the reason that Matty, the reason that Riley, dies.  

You can’t even protect yourself, how will you possibly protect them?

I am everywhere, I will kill you and everyone else you love.

Murdoc was taunting him now, and in Mac’s fatigued mind, he believed him.  After all, it was his fault, wasn’t it?

He was so tired.  Mac kept trying to quiet his mind, but he couldn’t stop his mind.  

Jack, his neck snapped, lying dead on the ground.  It was his fault.

Riley, bleeding out from a gunshot wound, dying on the ground.  It was his fault.

Before his mind could bring up any more of his family to die, he felt arms around his shoulders, softly rubbing in circles.  It took a few minutes before he realized it was Bozer.  Knowing he must have woken him with his crying, he instantly tried to apologize, but Bozer interrupted him.

“Hey, hey, hey man.  It’s okay, just breathe,” he said softly, as Mac began to calm down, “You don’t have to be sorry, what you went through would mess with anyone’s head.  I’m just sorry we didn’t realize what you were going through sooner.  Do you want to talk about it?”

“Every time when I fall asleep, I’m back there, with Murdoc, and I can’t stop him, I can’t...” 

“It’s okay Mac, you’re safe, you’re here now, you escaped.”

“I know, I know I’m safe, but I can’t stop thinking about it, and I know I need to sleep, because if I don’t, you guys could die, and it would be my fault.  You guys could die, and it would be all my fault.  I’m sorry, I’m so sorry...”

“I’m alive Mac, Riley’s alive, Jack’s alive, and we’re all going to stay that way.  You know, we can all hold are own, you’re not responsible for all of us,” Bozer responded, with a small smile.

“Okay, okay...” Mac looked like he was thinking that over.

“Do you need anything, do you want me to call Jack?”

“No, no, don’t bother him, could you, could you stay?” Mac asked sheepishly.

“Of course I can, anything for you Mac.,” Bozer responded, and then went to go get a chair to sit in.

Mac finally laid down and it looked like his fatigue was about to catch up to him.  His eyelids were beginning to droop.

Bozer looked at Mac with a smile, and sat down in the chair.

“Do you remember that time when we were little and...”

[thefugitivemango]

Tower Ascendance - Pt IV

[[ Co-written with @sylaess​ / @sylaesschasewind​ & @kidcatgemini  /@codegemini​ ]]

|| PART I || PART II || PART III ||

~*~

Sinafay was quick to act. Even without weapons, she rushed at the winged figure, but was immediately knocked back by one of its powerful wings. She hit the wall and landed next to a crushed animated armor… well, not animated any longer, most likely cut down by Argonas on his way in. Her hand reached out and took hold of the depleted armor’s weapon, a large axe. 

Convenient.

She grinned. 

The Vindicator took hold of the Mawsworn’s foot as it was pressed to his bare chest. He strained, resisting being stomped further into the ground. Thankfully, he was sturdier than the fallen Kyrian had anticipated. In a quick, fluid motion, he twisted the foot! 

*CRRKKK*

The Mawsworn let out an echoed squeal of pain, rivaled in volume only by the sickening cracking and snapping of its ankle bones and tendons! Immediately, it flapped its wings to get airborne once more, and take the weight of its now-broken foot!

Argonas scrambled to his hooves shortly after, and reclaimed his shield and mace. The Light coursed through him, shining brightly in the otherwise dim place. A show of force… and also a distraction, he hoped.

“Strike fast when you can, then fall back!” he instructed his companions. “I will keep its focus!”

With that, he hurled a Light-borne hammer upward at the tainted Ascendant-- exploding on the impact and knocking the winged abettor back slightly further as sparks of Light showered about it. He definitely had its attention now!

Sylaess had to squint at the shower of Light. Her twin blades were in her hands instinctively. Feet were already moving. For one reason or another, this felt far more comfortable to her than the dread and wonder. Maybe it was a familiar action or the affirmation of danger. Or literally just her swords in her hands and no need to keep puzzling out this wretched tower. The Mawsworn cursed in her shriek of surprise and agony, those wings sweeping in almost defensively as she hurled herself backwards. Or was hurled on the hammer express. Hard to say. The elf caught a glance of that shadow magic forming around the Darksworn’s hands. Heard the quiet words start forming. Ah, shit. “Argonas, ‘ware!”

It was a lot like twisting her skin tightly across her skull, agitating that permanent migraine she’d been nursing this whole time into a dull roar. One leap--felt her lips peel back over her teeth in a rictus snarl as she cast her own spell. Runes barely glimmered. But it went off. The death grip. Yanking her attention with tainted arcane. Felt like being lit up by a search beacon. Syl did not like it. ‘You should know my name is Corrus. I will not permit you to leave.’

The unwanted thought was as intrusive as a finger in the eye. Syl’s swords crashed into the Mawsworn’s spear harmlessly--but she’d interrupted the cast at least. Landed on her feet and danced aside before she could be taken by a swing from that very unfriendly looking spear. “--I don’t give a shit who you are. Get out of my way.”

Sinafay grunted, her spiritual form and time spent in the Maw causing her to tremble under the voice in her head. A pause was all it granted the Mawsworn as she shook it off and charged it from behind.

Unfortunately the shaman lacked the physical strength she had in life. Her blow landed, but was easily deflected by the assailant’s armor. He paid her no mind, his concentration set on the bigger threat, the large Light wielding Draenei in front of him. She huffed, frustrated, taking a few steps back, before charging again.

This time, she jumped up and swung down at one of the Mawsworn’s powerful wings. Success! It cut through part way before getting stuck, lodged in the wound.

Grounded and limping, Corrus found herself at a sudden disadvantage. The opening Sinafay provided was all Argonas needed to reinforce the notion-- a low sweep of his hammer took the remaining good leg out from under the Mawsworn, causing her to topple helplessly. Unable to stand, unable to get aloft… the disgraced Kyrian was in trouble! 

Argonas’ attack didn’t end there, either; as Corrus fell, the Draenei raised his shield up over her before bringing it down on its edge. Once, twice, battering Corrus with a series of painful impacts. She failed in any attempt to block, only able to free herself from beneath the Vindicator’s beratement with a sudden flap of her remaining good wing. Enough wind kicked up to cause Argonas to stumble back a step as the shield caught the gust over his head. She kicked away from him, and shrieked.

“You miserable mortals! I may have underestimated your tenacity, but no amount of fight will free you from your fate! Your souls will never escape the torment of this tower!”

The Mawsworn rose-- not by her wings, but by something else. She hovered a meter or so off the ground, a sickening energy permeating the air around her. Then, a dark haze-like shield surrounded Corrus as she began uttering another incantation! 

Her blades were up--but the sweep of the shield, the words... Sylaess grit her teeth. Found herself backing up from the sight, fighting off a wave of nauseating memories. A sort of bitten off shout was trapped between her clenched jaws, low and continuous. She simply held her swords.

Sinafay swung again with the axe, but the weapon only bounced uselessly on Corrus’ shield. A chill went down her spine as the energy in the room darkened. She looked towards Argo and Syl.

“Take cover! Now!”

She ran towards Syl, motioning for Argo to do the same.

“Shield!”

As she said the words, the room’s ceiling seemed to open up and dark energy enhanced spears began to rain down.

The Draenei raised his physical shield up overhead, cradling the Death Knight and the soul of his beloved close-- as close as he could for a soul, anyway. The dark spears were met with a brilliant Light that emanated from the Vindicator. An incandescent shield expanded over the trio, shielding them from the hail of blackened death! 

“NO!” Corrus shrieked in frustration! “Why won’t you fools just submit!”

Her power expended, she fell back to the ground, collapsing to a kneel. Her foot was still mangled. Her wing torn. She glared from beneath her darkened helmet at Sylaess, Argonas, and the soul she sought to keep imprisoned here. 

She was no match.

“This isn’t over!” she left them with her vague threat, before a familiar darkness overcame her-- not empowering her, but translocating her to elsewhere in the tower.

The fight was finished.

“Is everyone alright?” Argonas asked, glancing between Sylaess and Sinafay.

The elf blinked, peering after Corrus a long moment while she escaped from the closeness of others. The cacophony of spirits was getting louder and harder to block out. She shook her head, jostling herself back into thought. “Leave while we have a breath to do so.” Her swords rested in her hands as an afterthought. No; this would be the best chance she had, after all. ‘You can’t. You have to leave here, find him.’

Flat black eyes stared almost through the wisp, listening to the calm voice. The gentleness. A tone of caring, of love. Heartbreak. Familiarity. That empty calm seemed to mute the world around her in the moment like a thick blanket. She knew what to do. “I’ve got one last thing to do here. It isn’t ethical. So take your chance to leave--they come few and far between after all.”

‘Don’t do this to me. These are other souls!’

It didn’t matter what either of them did from here on out, she took a few steps back into the chamber. Settled her shoulders and shut the world out. Relatively. The spirits were chattering agitatedly. Took a slow breath in, and focused. Just like the Ebon ritualists had shown her. Breathe in. Empty mind. 

Would it even work?

Don’t worry about that. Just try.

‘Syl, no.’

Her breath tumbled out slowly, deliberately. Words chasing the end of it. “You don’t get that choice. They’re beyond saving.”

A steady trickle of power thrumming up through her swords. The pale icy gleam of runes, pre-written spells, coming to a guttering life in a deliberate pattern.

Sinafay’s moon-eyed look had been back on Argonas. Seeing him in action in all his Light filled glory was a sight she would never tire of. She grinned, elated. Finally, they would be out of the tower and out of the Maw! All her years of suffering were about to come to an end!

But, again, the air in the room changed, and she glanced over to Sylaess, worry and confusion set on her features.

“Syl? What are you doing?”

“Sylaess!” Argonas called out as well, brow furrowed.

He didn’t like this one bit. He knew the Death Knight was a variable from the start, but… to turn back and rush further into the tower so close to escape? He couldn’t believe it! What was she thinking!? Had she completely lost her mind?

Well… maybe, now that he thought about it. She wasn’t exactly holding it together before they arrived here, as he recalled.

Still, he had prepared for this possibility. Nothing would stop him from getting Sinafay out of this accursed place-- not even Sylaess. He decided several corridors back that if it came to saving Sinafay or saving Sylaess, he wouldn’t hesitate. And it seemed that moment was upon them now.

“... Damn it!” he cursed, before turning back towards the exit. “Quickly, Sina. We may not have much time!”

Sinafay shook her head, concerned gaze meeting his, fists clenched at her side. She couldn’t bear the thought of leaving her friend in this terrible place.

“No!” she answered, stubborn as ever, “We cannot just leave her here!”

“We have no choice!” Argonas scowled back. “She can take care of herself. But we must get you out of here!”

“I will not leave her!” came her reply, stomping a hoof down in frustration before turning to make her way towards her friend.

“Sinafay, get the fuck out of here while you have a chance.” Calm and still. Right. She looked at her swords again, keeping herself mostly turned from the pair. “I don’t intend to linger. Just go, I’ll catch up. I need to help him first.” 

The air around her was sharp with cold. Frost was growing off of her armor surprisingly fast. Had to focus. Draw whatever else she could to pull enough power, enough spirits nearby for this. It would be much easier if Sinafay wasn’t near.

“Fuck that! I am NOT leaving!”

“Yes you are.”

Suddenly, Sinafay was halted by something; a bar? A pole? A spear. Argonas knew he couldn’t touch her, himself. To a mortal like him, a soul was intangible. But the Mawsworn had weapons that both souls and mortals were affected by. Both could touch. In her haste, Corrus left behind her spear. It would have to do.

He made quick work of it, bending and folding the spear like a pretzel, wrapping it around Sinafay at her arms and chest. It worked! He could take hold of her now, by the darkened metal rod wrapped tightly around her.

“Forgive me, but I am not about to let you stay in this place!”

“NO!” She let out a frustrated shout, “Argo, let me go!”

He brought Sinafay up over his shoulder, handling her by the metal which bound her, and turned to depart-- but not without casting one more glance back at Sylaess. He didn’t like whatever it was she was doing. The aura felt malicious. As malicious as anything they had encountered in the tower already. Whatever she was doing, he knew it was best if he didn’t see it…

“Be quick, Sylaess.” were the only instructions he muttered. “Do not die… again…”

The elf didn’t so much as flinch at him. She sat on the floor with a sigh and put the hilt of her sword in her mouth and bit down. Hard. The runes were dizzy bright now, the spirits were losing it.

Resigned to the tumble of events.

‘You can’t do this!’ ‘I made the choice a few minutes ago, catch up. If I don’t, you’re gone. You’ll be gone the moment I walk out those doors if this doesn’t go on.’

She shut her eyes against the wisp’s insistent fluttering. The muscles of her jaw contort, knotting. As if words were trying to spill out but were stopped by her claim on the hilt. A snarl formed in her throat, breath hissing out of her nose and mouth. A splintering sound--

There was a long moment of silence. An absence of the crowd of fragmented spirits. She sagged, spitting out what was probably fragments of a tooth, or metal. Didn’t care to check. But Solieyu was there in a truer form. Standing. Staring in disbelief and dismay.

One more sharp breath drawn in, and she spits the pommel out. Wiping her chin with the back of a hand.

[nimsajlove]

Brothers (V)

Not the last part, sadly. I was hoping to finish this thing today but even stuck at home, I can’t do it...

Brothers-AU  Ao3

Part IV , Part VI

*~*

Ahsoka won the one fight. With the help of Aayla Secura, Plo Koon and Anakin, the files against Fives disappeared with surprising speed and Ahsoka managed to cover up the whole thing with words, that Cody and Obi-Wan Kenobi had given her this time, and somehow transfer Fives into her ultimate care. She wasn't quite sure, how she really did it! But she sensed that the voices of Senator Amidala and Senator Organa had been of great support in front of the Senate.

However, she suffered a defeat in another. "And you are sure, that we can't treat more men?", she asked quietly and looked at her feet, she was sitting cross-legged in the bunk under her own. Rex was standing in front of her, on the side of his head Kix had attached a thick plaster. It looked strange, almost unsettling. "I do not think so. We finished our unit and I'm still amazed, that Cody agreed. But we don't know, who would tell the Senate about this if he could.", he explained and his tone softened as he saw her grimace in pain. The last few days had been tough, her nerves had worn out and in the end Rex had taken over her paperwork from the past week. Just to catch up a little. She had to overcome many fears. The fear of the Council, of the Chancellor. Yes, even a little fear of failing herself. None of that had done her any good, and it didn't improve her tired features.

Two seconds passed while she chewed her nails and he watched her, before he dropped next to her with a small thud. She was so tired... She wanted to be strong, really! She wanted to be there, keep an eye on Fives. But she hadn't even found the strength to follow him and his brothers to dinner this afternoon. Was she even hungry at all? "He's in good hands.", it mumbled next to her and she nodded dully. "I know." "Then why are you making yourself even more stressed? He's alive and he'll still be when you restet.", asked Rex and she rolled the answer back and forth in her head for a while. Because she was needed? Or, at least, wanted to be? Sometimes this little fear crept into her mind, that the clones would eventually leave her alone. Like the Council. She knew she would have to accept it, if that day came. But that didn't made the thought easier! His hand grabbed her shoulder and pulled it against his. With a small sigh her head came to rest against his and fingers layed quietly on her temple. She stared into the air for a few seconds, then breathed out deeply and let the warmth drive away all thoughts. 

* ~ * 

"Why are you hesitating?", Jesse asked, looking around searching for what had upset his general. She shrugged her shoulders, her posture so strangely insecure and nervous. "I don't know, maybe a bad feeling?", she mumbled and then climbed into the ship, which would bring her back onto her cruiser. Actually, she couldn't wait to get away! 

The Jedi, especially Anakin Skywalker and Obi-Wan Kenobi, had become downright intrusive in the past few days. And even if the two Jedi brought back fond memories in her, it caused enough pain for her to want to avoid them.

Saying goodbye to Cody was short, but she had looked at him honestly and even a small smile had appeared on her face. Despite the problems of the past few days. "I owe you one.", were her last words, his as he had yelled after her: "Definitly!" She was still grinning at the thought of it. 

Back on the cruiser, it seemed as if the bad memories were slowly being washed away. She was cautious for the first few days, although her bad feeling at the departure had disappeared now. But then she noticed more and more how the men laughed and joked together. She was greeted with a smile at any time of day and at some point it passed on to her too. Even Fives laughed again, it was really contagius. She was grateful, that the clones could always, somehow, find something good in every situation. 

* ~ * 

Almost two months passed. The war went on around her and a strange distance had developed between her and the men. She wasn't sure where it came from, but she seemed to separate herself from them every now and then. She spent more time meditating, letting Rex choose which missions to go on next. She was still helping, eating and sleeping with the men. But she still felt this distance and was worried, that it was coming from her side... Maybe she was missing a nice fight after all. She didn't knew if she should have been happy, when Cody called her and jokingly remembered her that she was still owning him something, even if the situation was probably not funny! At last she would be able to do something without putting more blood from the clones on her cap. Because this was something, that still worried her. Maybe it was better, to get away from these men and let them be happy with the small and peacefull missions. 

But when the men heard of her preparations, they surprised her with their anger. Hesitantly and slightly confused, she sat alone while eating and assumed that all the distance had now turned into dislike after all. Rex, Jesse and Kix gave it away as a lie, when the three of them sat down with her and acted as if nothing had ever happened. It wasn't until the young woman chewed on her food for a few minutes in silence that Jesse nudged her in the side. "What is it, did you swallow your tongue?", he joked and when Ahsoka shrugged, the other two fell silent. There it was again, that distance. She felt so incredibly heavy as she watched the men seem to be more relaxed with each new peace mission. "What's stuck in your throat?", asked Kix and she pressed her forearms on the table, she wondered if it was worth sharing her worries with those, whom she had called brothers for years. Finally she spoke up. "The men avoided me today, have I moved so far from them?", she asked quietly and the three clones began to chuckle. She looked up with furrowed eyebrows. "That's not funny!", she hissed softly and put her fork aside. Rex was the first to swallow his amusement and patted her head across the table, earning him another angry twinkle from the general. 

"You know, I think it's more like, that the men are offended.", Jesse finally grinned broadly. "Running into a mission without all of us? Not even you can pull that on us.", Kix agreed. 

Even later, she hadn't quite digested that the men would just follow her. In what would be certainly the death of most of them. She didn't want that! She paced up and down in her office and was nearly scared to death when the door suddenly slid open. Rex and Fives stood in front of her and the ARC just shook his head. "How about some sleep until we get there?", he suggested, she shook her head firmly. “No, it’s not like I could sleep now anyway. And don't even think about calling Kix! You don't want to see my dinner again and neither do I!”, she threatened Rex, before he could open his mouth. Both clones smirked and now entered, their general began to pace up and down again. The two sat on the desk. “Then how about running around on the bridge. At least you have space there.", Rex joked and she stared at him. “How can you joke now? I am leading more than a hundred men to their certain death, with a really high probability!” She started softly and grew louder, until she crossed her arms angrily and wondered if this was a good time for a little scream. Just to calm her nerves.

Fives stood up, his gaze dead serious. “These men follow you voluntarily! You lead them because they want you to lead them. Sooner or later each of us dies, let us at least hope to be allowed to die for the right thing.", he explained and she heard a passion in his voice that has not been seen since Umbara. A lump formed in her throat, but she forced herself to maintain her composure. There had been a time, where she had thought so as well. “With all due respect, brother! I want you to die for the right thing, after all of you have had a chance to live. A real life without the bolts and bombs flying around you all the time. You should be allowed to live, not have to.” Her voice was hard and cold, it was difficult to speak past the lump. Rex got up too and came up to her. “I want to live right here and now. And if we die out there, it will be because we made the right decision to trust you." She looked at him and realized, that at was herself who built this distance. She was so afraid to loose one oft hem! Tears started to form in her eyes und she turned away. 

* ~ * 

She had been standing alone in front of the battle plans for a while now and looked at them, the situation was not only tricky. Fatal was probably the better word and she was still gnawing at Rex's idea, of ​​how they could still save the whole thing. He had gone, alone. She didn't like it, but she also knew that she couldn't run after him always and everywhere. He had Cody with him and Unit 99! It would all go well… She remembered her brief conversation with these clones while telling Rex to be careful. A smile crept on her face, Wrecker reminded her of Hardcase. The two alone would certainly have been enough, to reduce the entire base to rubble and ashes.

Footsteps approached from behind and she looked up, Anakin came up to her and clasped his hands behind his back. She had to grin. "You had a nice conversation? How is she doing?”, she asked softly and he smirked, she hadn't spoken to her master in a long time. Not really after she left Coruscant in such a hurry. But she wasn't blind. "You're clever.", her former master admitted and examined the plans with her. She felt his restlessness and sighed, before loosening her arms and looking at him. "What is it, Master?", she asked and it was unexpected for her, when his worried look met her. 

"I missed you.", he muttered and she smirked. "Sure you weren't just missing Hevy?", she teased and he rolled his eyes before carefully lifting an arm. An invitation she could decline if she wanted.

She swallowed, since the council had expelled her once, she had forbidden the other Jedi from any avoidable physical contact. She knew Plo Koon was sorry, but she couldn't just see past it all. She also knew that every time, Master Kenobi saw her, he worriedly stroked his beard and tried to put his hand on her shoulder. Since then she has consistently avoided him. Now she and her master had never maintained closer contact, except for a deep bond. But it hurt him too, to know her so far away and distant. And that hurt her too ... She might not really always agree with him, but he was her friend and with a small sigh she slipped into the embrace and held him tight for a few seconds before releasing him. 

* ~ * 

She was crouching on the floor and biting her nails, that hideous habit that had only emerged since the Fives-Thing! She had closed her eyes and was thinking, trying not to lose her mind while doing so. Her master and the other two Jedi doubted the captain's statement, she didn't! If Rex said that had to be Echo, it was him! But what exactly should she do now? She had to go there, take him home. That was out of the question. Could she involve his brothers in this? No, the clones were more important to him than she was. In the end she was expendable for her men, even if they were loyal to her. Her brothers would get over her loss, should it occur. After all, they would then have Echo back again.

"Have you made up your mind?", asked a calm voice and she opened her eyes. She had previously included Hunter in her deliberations, and he had told her that Rex was up to the same thing. This, of course, accelerated her decision-making process. "Yes, let me just talk a word with Cody.", she snorted and went into the medical tent. The commander refused to leave the planet, after all he was more or less patched up. He was awake and staring at her. "And?", he asked, and if she hadn't been to bed faster, he might have got up to meet her. “I'll go and look for Echo. The others must not follow me! You can do this for me, right?” The clone nodded, worry darkened his eyes and Ahsoka patted him carefully on the shoulder, trying to calm him down. "I'll take your boys with me, let's see what they're good for.", she joked and saw Cody smile briefly, before she turned around and disappeared. 

* ~ * 

Did these shafts never end? Echo smiled next to her and she looked down at him, had she said something? "Don't look like that, I know where we're going to get out.", he grinned and it actually cheered her up. She was full of bruises and minor injuries, but Echo was alive and she had her arm wrapped around him to hold him up. It was all worth it! 

Wrecker behind her sighed again and she had to smile again. "I'll make sure that you get a few more before we run.", she said and received a comradely push against the shoulder blade. "I hope so!", laughed the massive clone, and Crosshair in front of her just shook his head.

"Here it is. I just don't think, you'll like it.", Echo grinned at Ahsoka and Tech opened a hatch, the wind blew in on them immediately and she stuck her head out. It went down from up here, far down. "No different than jumping into the underworld.", she thought aloud and out of the corner of her eye she saw Echo tilt his head. "You speak from experience?", he asked and she nodded. 

* ~ *

 Every bone hurt her, but it didn't matter! Because Echo was as intact as he could be and she was still alive. In addition, Wrecker was totally amused, to have thrown a Jedi for the first time in his life. She smiled too, she hadn't wanted to take the fun away from him and had given up her other acrobatics. It had been funny, especially when Hunter asked her loudly, if she still was sane to volunteer to do this. It had been easier somehow, now that she wasn't surrounded by the clones that her heart was so attached to. Besides, her brothers got along quite well without the fighting, but these ones...

The gunship started to land and she got up, the ground seemed to sway slightly under her as she braced herself on the wall and Echo looked at her from the side. She had filled in a few of his gaps. "General, maybe..." She held up her hand and cut him off. "I'm fine, I'm standing upright on my own two feet. But I'll send you straight to Kix.", she grinned and Echo returned it, albeit hesitantly.

The ship opened and she could see a whole group of people rushing to meet them. She pulled back a little and let the clones go outside, not at least to get out of the view of all the others, including her former master. She really couldn't use one of his lectures now. She might have underestimated the enemy a tiny bit... Echo was welcomed with open arms by his brothers and they all escort him to Kix, Ahsoka waited a few seconds until Tech stuck his head back into the ship. 

"They are gone.", he announced and she left the ship with a deep sigh, the pain in her body was still dull. But it was slowly growing and she just wanted to get into a bunk and close her eyes for a few minutes. Nothing more. "Thanks, Cody actually didn't exaggerate.", she said to Hunter and tried to drive away the exhaustion. The clone looked her up and down once and then smiled a small smile. “He wasn't exaggerating when he spoke of you either. General Tano, you look awful.” She laughed, it hurt and she held her ribs. "Not everyone can have a genetic advantage.", she joked and said goodbye.

She began to hobble into her improvised command tent as fast as she could and sat on the floor, preferring not to inspect her injuries. Now that all that adrenaline was gone, it hurt like hell. Her right lekku burned like fire and blood was dried on him, her shoulder and forehead. Her head felt like it would explode, her sense of balance seemed to have been damaged. She knew, that blood was still oozing from her left hand. But she just didn't dare to look down. She just sat there and breathed against the sting of her ribs, wondering if she should just allow herself some sleep here on the floor.

She never got to it, three figures appeared in her tent. "Ahsoka?" The question sounded scared and she wondered, how bad she really looked. It wasn't like she had a mirror on hand. She raised her right hand to protect her eyes from the incident light and to identify the people. It was her old master, who immediately turned around and pressed his comlink. Rex, however, came over to her with long strides and pulled her upright again by the shoulders. When had she sunken to the ground? “It's okay. I can sit alone.", she grumbled and fixed her gaze on Obi-Wan Kenobi, he looked at her with an expression of concern and urgency. "Sure.", Rex grumbled ironically, but she braced herself against his attempts to get her to her feet. "Master Kenobi, did something happen?", she asked instead, feeling a slight knot form in her stomach. Something actually happened...

The Jedi hesitated before speaking. “Anakin will kill me, for not dragging you to the nearest Bacta tank right away. But ... Echo just shared some of his new experiences and knowledge with us. He discovered a conspiracy, the clones were actually given a hidden order.” She looked at him with wide eyes and could see in his, what she was thinking. It was finally proven, Fives was right! "We'll be able to help them all?", she asked choked and only felt dully, how Rex grabbed her tighter. Kenobi nodded and she took a deep breath, tears flowed and she knew that all the men would finally have a chance of real, free will. Then it got dark. 

* ~ * 

When she woke up again, she was confused. It was bright, white, sterile. This wasn't a battlefield! Where was she? Where were the men she had to protect? Was Echo still safe with his brothers? Did she really make it? Panicked, she sat up and looked around, she was alone in a room, she identified it as the medistation of her cruiser. Where was everyone? Had she just been sent back and left alone? 

Suddenly, that feeling was there again, that deep fear of loneliness. She gasped, she'd had all of that under control for years, and now… She wanted to get up and noticed the many cables, that were glued and clamped to her skin. The panic overflowed and with a jerk she threw herself out of bed, tearing off the cables and lying there breathless. She was trying to find her legs, to do something before something happened. Her stomach was knotted and it was difficult for her to breathe. There were dull voices and when hands grabbed her, she tried to throw herself against them. Then it went quiet and dark again. 

The next time she opened her eyes, she was sick. Groaning, she immediately closed her eyes and straightened up, one hand pressed to her mouth. She could hardly breathe and suddenly a warm hand was on her back and someone pushed a bucket into her hands. Just in time, whatever had been in her stomach, it just greeted her cheerfully. She hugged the bucket, trembling.

A few minutes passed, before she was nothing but a trembling misery on the bed. She leaned back and more than two hands carefully helped her, there was a cool wall behind her. Before she could drop the bucket, someone took it from her and now she tried again, to look at the world around her. The difference to before was fatal! It wasn't the white ceiling of the medistation, but rather the familiar gray of the quarters. And as she took a deep breath, the familiar scent of her home flooded her lungs. The light had been dimmed and she could now hear and see how crowded it was. Oh by the Force, how many had seen all of this? The first that her eyes could focus on was Echo. He was sitting on one of the lower bunks and when he saw, that she was really looking at him, he smiled widely. That was nice... The next one was Kix and she realized quickly, why he looked so guilty. It was clear, that he had pumped the medication into her body. But did he really had a choice? Jesse sat next to him, arms on his knees and gaze serious, but relieved, fixed on her. Hevy, Droidbait, Cutup, Fives, Cody... she spotted a few other faces and then turned to the nearest one. Rex was sitting on the matress she had been put on and when she blinked at him, he actually picked up a second bucket.

"Please don't say, you need this one too.", he muttered and a laugh escaped her, her ribs no longer hurt. Carefully she sat up properly and rubbed her aching head, her gaze slid back to Echo. He looked so much better... "How long was I gone?", she asked quietly and as if that had been a secret sign, her brothers came closer to the bed and Cody shooed the others away, but kept himself in the background. “Almost two weeks. One of them in the tank.”, Cutup announced and threw himself on her foot end, Driodbait shoved him heartily to the side and climbed next to him. Two weeks? "What did I miss?", she asked still quietly and Echo and Fives had to laugh, she gave them a strange look. What was there to laugh about? "I can lend you a hand, if you need it.", Echo announced and a shockingly realistic prosthesis landed in her hands. Without an arm. She paused, then raised her eyebrows and returned his new hand. "Very funny.", she commented dryly, but was infinitely happy. That was the first joke Fives was involved in for who knows how long! 

"The GAR is dechipped.", Jesse threw in and simply sat down on the floor, in front of the bunk, he had a satisfied grin on his face. "And Skywalker screwed up!", Hevy announced and all the clones laughed softly, that was almost too loud for her head! "Why?" She asked pained, rubbing her temples. “The Senator is even less of a secret now, than it was before. But the men and General Kenobi cover him as best they can.", Cody grinned from further back and she had to laugh again, what a surprise! Her master has never been good at keeping things a secret... 

Kix stared at his hands and she recognized the expression. She got up a little more and tilted her head. "Kix?" He looked up and she grinned widely, it elicited a small smile. She wanted to see that, even if, according to her stomach, she didn't felt like grinning. "What exactly did you find?", she asked in a pretended good mood. He didn't fall for it, but finally began to enumerate.

"Serious head injuries. The right lekku was completely slit.” She raised her right hand and stroked the tentacle, a bulging scar pressing against her fingers. There could have been worse. "Burns, abrasions, grazes, broken ribs ..." The list was long and yet it had to end at some point. "And two fingers of the left hand were torn off.", the clone finished and exhaled deeply, Ahsoka looked at her hands for the first time. The right one was perfectly fine again, but the left one looked so out of place. The ring and middle finger were completely missing and she clenched her hand once into a fist, it was as if she could still feel them. With a shudder, she remembered how she'd faded out the pain, after wrenching herself from the grip of a droid. 

The men around her waited to see, if she would say something.She looked up and carefully swung her legs out of bed. "Where are we?", she asked, waiting for the world to stop turning. That headache would kill her sooner or later! Breathing deeply, she propped herself up on her knees, tried not to gag again and heard Kix start to rummage in his backpack. "Hyperspace, on the way to Coruscant.", Cody replied and she nodded vaguely, why weren't her men there already? The rest of the fight couldn't possibly have lasted two weeks. "Why are you here?", she asked further, when Kix pressed a tablet into her left hand. Without looking for water, she swallowed it. Her brothers moved a little closer, slowly it was getting tight on the bed. Droidbait and Cutup sat diagonally behind her, Rex on her right and Kix on her left. Fives, Echo, Jesse and Hevy were crouched on the floor and Cody was leaning against the opposite wall. "You're kidding, right?", Jesse asked, and she shrugged. "I wouldn't have blamed you, for flying home as soon as possible.", she muttered and massaged her forehead, the pain seemed to subside and the nausea finally went away! She loved Kix, he always had one of the few tablets that she could swallow. 

Someone patted her foot and she looked up, Hevy looked at her with a surprising seriousness. "You took all the fun away from us, but we can't just leave you behind!" She wanted to protest, that leaving her on the medistation wouldn't have been such a big deal. "Don't argue, I won't go anywhere again without anyone of my family, this includes you too!", Echo announced and tears tingled in her eyes.

This unconditional love, that was shown to her here, was so different from her worries in the last few days. She wasn't sure, what she had expected or feared. Maybe anger, that she'd left them all to go off alone? Before she could start crying, however, Hevy rose energetically. "I'm starving, let's get something to eat!" Ahsoka hesitated, food sounded nice. But somehow... "When was the last meal?", she asked and Hevy shrugged. “No idea, 10 or 11 hours ago? Since you decided to throw yourself off the bed.", he grinned and it made her smile. "Then I don't want to stand in your way." But nobody moved. "Your stomach could definitely take something too.", Kix then threw in and stood up, offered her his hand, to help her up. She still hesitated, the pill was good. But she wasn't hungry either. "You haven't had anything real in your stomach for two weeks, do us this favor.", Rex insisted and with a sigh, she grabbed Kix's hand and pulled herself to her feet. "You can have my dessert too.", Cutup said as he pushed past her and his grin made her laugh. Suddenly the faces of all the men in the room lit up and she was a bit ashamed, of having burdened the soldiers for so long. "You are too good to me.", she tried to joke and squealed, as Hevy grabbed her and lifted her onto his shoulders. "Yep, you can really thank us more often.", he laughed and they all went off together.

[drawing079]

Exception On Line 129

Chapter 5: Not So Strange

[1] [2] [3] [4] [5] [6] [7]

A Human AU SCP-079 x SCP-682 Fanfic

Warnings: Violence, Alcoholism, Brain damage/trauma, Police brutality

Description: Zero is a reclusive computer science major, floating by in college with the help of vodka by his side. His only human interaction seems to be from his distant father, who abandoned him as a child but now is trying to make a bit of effort to be back in his life. And after a failed virus he sends to a Cray supercomputer gets exposed, he is forced to pay for the consequences of his cyber crimes in more ways than one.

During an unnecessarily violent arrest, he suffers a brain injury and anterograde amnesia, damaging his short-term memory. But during his time detained, he meets a violent man with an infamous short-temper, who takes a surprising interest in him.

(Read it here on Ao3 or continue below)

Exception On Line 129: Not So Stranger

By the time the sedatives have wore off, the prying nurses and noisy cops were long gone. They had originally wanted to question Zero, and so did his doctor, in order to gauge the extent of his head trauma; but all parties concerned were informed he was incompetent for questioning due to his sedation, and deflected until tomorrow to pester him later.

And incompetent indeed; when everyone had left, Numin had attempted to ask how he felt, only to get a slurred ‘what’ back at him, to which he assumed it was best to wait for Zero to be back in a sober clear mind before attempting conversation again.

Sometime in the afternoon Zero slipped under, falling asleep in the same position looking up at the ceiling, with the only indication of sleep being the closure of his eyes, and his already slow heartbeat growing even further apart in tempo on the beep of the heart monitor.

By the evening of that day, when he awoke, his head was finally clear enough to think straight, and the headache was fainter as it ricocheted inside his skull.

Shifting, the most movement he’s made since morning, Zero sat up in a daze, blinking blankly around the bright fluorescent room. Outside he noticed it was dark behind the paper-thin blinds, yet the unnatural lighting in the hospital room kept the room too bright for it to feel like evening. An uncomfortable discrepancy, especially considering how he had fallen asleep during daylight with only a hazy recollection of the day, only serving to further his ongoing confusion.

“Lucid now?” A familiar voice pried, surprisingly gentle, despite the unhidden harsh edge it innately carried. Turning to face the voice, a bit delayed in his reaction due to the lingering effects of the sedation, Zero faced the stranger in the bed beside his own.

When he met his eyes to the other man’s soft green ones, a sudden intrusion of memories flooded in.

His roommate. Zero couldn’t recall his name, but he felt fondly in his recognition of him, even though their interactions were hazy to retrieve.

Actually, not hazy; they were basically absent. All he knew was that this man was one he was familiar and friendly with.

“Barely lucid… god, my head feels like cotton.” He groaned, bringing his hand up to rub his temple, only to find the texture of soft gauze at his fingertips, bits of it snagging at his short jagged nails. “I… I was asleep for a while, but we met earlier today, right?”

The green hue of his roommate’s eyes darkened, in a melancholic transition that somehow made his next words seem despondent. “Yes, we’ve met. Do you remember me, Zero?”

The pressure to take away that undying anguish in his expression made Zero stressed to probe his memories for an answer that would sate his roommate.

“I remember… you… wrote something on my hand, I think?” Not even confident in his own foggy recollection, Zero knit his brow at the other man, as if silently asking for confirmation.

The other man let out a short sigh, almost in relief but not quite there just yet, at the sign of even a sliver of working memory in Zero’s head.

“Yes, I wrote my name down so you wouldn’t forget. The nurse put your IV back in but it should still be visible.”

Tilting his head down at his hand for confirmation, surely enough he found a name printed on the back of his palm in neat lettering, alongside his IV line buried deep into a superficial vein.

“Numin. Oh, that name does ring some bells.”

His roommate chuckled, albeit still tensed in the manner. “It should. You needed to be reminded of it quite a few times.”

With a couple blinks, Zero tore his eyes off the print on his hand to look up at Numin. “It’s weird, it feels like I met you years ago. Like the memories are so far back in my head that I have to focus to try and retrieve them. Did I really just meet you today? We didn’t have, like, a class together or anything?”

He ended his inquiry with a little cock of his head to the right, like an honest signal of innocent curiosity, and Numin consciously wondered if he was trying to be a little cute on purpose.

He stopped that thought right in its trail, though; since when does he think of others as cute?

“This morning, when you woke up for the first time since your accident, we met,” he hesitated, just slightly, remembering bitterly how badly Zero took this information last time, “you’ve been in a coma for several days now.”

Although there was an undeniable widening of Zero’s eyes in surprise, it quickly waned, as if the knowledge had awoken within him the fact he had heard that before. Nevertheless, his heart did start skipping a beat faster on the heart rate monitor, and Numin noticed Zero began biting his lower lip. Centered both above his top lip and below his bottom were two pierced holes, so Numin deduced that he must’ve had a habit of biting a lower lip piercing; although, regardless of its presence, Zero seemed to chew his lip anyway. Made Numin wonder if at some point he just got it pierced to have something to bite at.

“Ah. Yeah, I think I remember something about that.”

In his palm, Zero had a handful of his bedding’s blanket gripped tight, anxiously holding onto anything that could ground him. A sore pang clawed in Numin’s chest; he wished he could go over there again. Almost yearningly, he tugged gently at the handcuffs keeping him in place, a deep inner part of him imploring himself to just break it off again like last time.

“Is there anything else you remember?” Prying in order to keep his thoughts from getting him in more trouble, Numin looked back up to face Zero. He was sitting off the edge of his bed, fist still full of his paperthin hospital blanket, looking up in almost a bit of a daze. Numin couldn’t tell if it was because he was lost in thought trying to remember the events from earlier today, or if the Valium was still lingering a bit in his system. Nevertheless, it was enough of a daze to leave him oblivious to the slight drop of his hospital gown off one of his shoulders, exposing his collar bone, as well as a small written tattoo beneath it. In black lettering, it marked: ‘Print (“Hello World”)’, a basic one-line computer program, leading Numin to infer he must know how to code.

Although placid, the exposed skin had that word bubbling back up into Numin’s mind again. Cute.

Was his face just hot or is he now blushing over the visible collarbone and that tattoo?

“I remember, you were talking to me, but I can’t recall what about,” Zero finally spoke up, breaking Numin’s distraction on his slightly exposed shoulder, and with his headspace back to reality Zero absentmindedly tugged his gown’s collar back up, none the wiser that Numin was growing red in the cheeks as he stared at it.

As if to compose himself and continue on as if he wasn’t lost tracing his eyes on that soft skin beneath Zero’s gown, Numin swallowed, continuing the conversation.

“We talked about a handful of things. None of them come to mind?”

Blinking thrice, Zero looked down from the ceiling back at him. “Maybe, I don’t know…”

Awkwardly, his fumbled with the slack of blanket in his hand, crumpling it anxiously. “Correct me if I’m wrong, but… did you say something about being gay?”

Startled, Numin let out an unexpected laugh, amused as Zero’s bashfulness to address it.

“Bisexual, but yeah. You got the gist of it.” And, almost teasingly, he added, “Seems like you made that information top priority to recall. Are you always that good at remembering sexual orientations, or am I just special?”

Adding fuel to the fire of Zero’s embarrassment, now he was the one blushing. However, keeping his usual front, he managed to bite back with his own quip, despite the rouge color of his face betraying his actual thoughts.

“I don’t often forget when an interesting man tells me he likes men.” As if in an effort to divert the subject matter, he continued, “besides that… I think I remember you being here?”

He made a pat to the side of the mattress, on the bed where Numin had sat with him during his anxiety attack. And although he didn’t remember too clearly the details to which Numin was beside him, Zero does recall a warming comfort. Even if the actual memory was absent, it left a fond afterglow, and even through the frightening awareness of his amnesia he felt the sentiment they must’ve held.

“I was. Got in quite the bit of trouble, too.” Numin agreed, with a sigh, dejectedly giving his handcuffs another clank. As if maybe they’ll just phase through the bar if he moved them enough.

Regardless, they were symbolic anyways. If Numin wanted to keep out of anymore trouble at this point, he’ll have to allow the cops to have their illusion of control over him.

Even if that’s all it was. An illusion.

“If… if it’s proper to ask, what are you here for?” Meekly, Zero gestured vaguely at the hospital room around him. He’s never been detained before himself, and he wasn’t too sure if it was an appropriate question to ask.

But instead, Numin offered a little shrug, nonchalant.

“Shot in the forearm. Very minor surgery to remove the shards, but it didn’t do any major damage.”

The casualness of his tone threw Zero off, and he gave the other man a noticeable wide-eyed look.

“You were shot!?”

The shock in his tone made Numin chuckle. The cavalier nature he had about his injury was unnatural, like violence was something he found ordinary and injury was something he found unthreatening.

“Yeah, cop tried handcuffing me, so I stabbed him in the stomach,” at that, he made a gesture to with his free hand towards his own abdomen, lightly tapping below his ribs as if to indicate where the cop had taken his knife before continuing, “but the bastard was able to reach for his gun and got a shot in before I knocked it out of his hand.”

Still appalled, Zero blinked thrice in bewilderment, as if trying to process the exact capabilities Numin had. The energy he had was commanding and all-consuming, and it seemed he was way more than just a front in that regard.

“What... happened to him?” Zero barely managed to get out on the border of a whisper, quiet in almost a careful way, in case this was a question that could provoke a negative reaction.

Hearing the breathless nature of his question, Numin drew a toothy and predatory smile. The look of it almost seemed like he was reminiscing on fond memories, but his green eyes were festering with a darkness that betrayed a more sadistic delight to his face.

“Dead. I shouldn’t have even let him live long enough to get a shot in. Disgusting little maggot...” the last part of his sentence road his vocals on almost a growl, with each word dripping with abhorrence.

It sent a chilling shiver down Zero’s spine.

Aggression and violence wasn’t a surprise from his roommate, not in the slightest considering his demeanor. But something about the idea of actually killing someone, taking a life and having no regret, was absolutely bone-chilling.

There was a soft voice in the back of Zero’s head, warning him if his acquaintance with this man was dangerous. It begged him to withdraw from the conversation, to stop entertaining his roommate lest he accidentally got on his bad side. However, there was an even louder voice fighting that reasoning, and drawing him to continue.

It was at first terrifying to learn Numin had murdered someone. A deep, unsettling seed of knowledge that is now embedded into Zero’s brain, and it felt like he was watering the seed with every passing moment he dwelled on that unnerving idea. And as with any seed, it grew, and changed, and the more Zero thought about it the more his feelings about it were fuzzier than originally anticipated.

And after dwelling on it for a few moments, Zero can’t exactly lie that the idea wasn’t now also alluring, interesting in a way he can’t describe. Like a mixture of morbid curiosity to know more, with the knowledge it was bad to be interested but undeniably being drawn to it nonetheless.

His roommate had murdered someone.

And somehow, he wasn’t afraid of Numin for it.

“Is that what you’re in trouble for? Stabbing a cop to death?”

As if intrigued by Zero’s lack of fear, instead finding just shock and interest, Numin narrowed his eyes curiously, holding his dark smile. But it was no longer in glee to his lurid memories, instead it was in growing fascination for Zero’s interest.

“He was arresting me for something else, but his death is added onto my charges at the moment. However, my civil defender said something about being able to claim he shot me first and I stabbed in self-defense, but that’ll be a tough story to sell.” There was a taste of annoyance in his tone, as if reluctant to peddle the idea of being shot first before stabbing the cop. As if it strangled his pride too much for his liking, that he would allow another to harm him first.

Or, perhaps, that he would allow another to dare harm him at all.

“Wait, so he was already arresting you for a different crime at the time?” Suddenly, as if the thought of more charges was an alien concept, Zero’s eyes noticeably widened at his revitalized surprise.

Unbeknownst to him, it left another doe-eyed astonished look on his face— albeit still probably due to the lingering drug— that had a bit of warmth suddenly rising to Numin’s cheeks again, subtly but still nonetheless present through a hazy rouge ghosting his complexion.

Cute. He couldn’t tell if he hated himself for thinking that word at all or if the feeling was just frustration from yet again noticing how attractive he thought Zero was. Either way, the surfacing of that word bothered him.

Numin hadn’t the slightest clue why he couldn’t quite shake the idea from his train of thought. The idea that Zero was being cute right now.

“Yeah. I was being arrested for a separate murder charge at the time, so I thought, hell, what’s another?” Although there was a jesting tone in his voice meant to convey a bit of humor, the tension he was carrying found itself laced among his words and inwoven with his expression. Tension only aggravated by the newfound evasiveness Numin’s eyes took on.

Zero noticed the reddish hue on his roommate’s face now. A quick smirk rose onto his lips before he stifled it, killing it as fast as it was born— he’ll pretend he doesn’t notice, but he’s well aware that Numin knows he definitely did.

“Makes sense. What’s one when you can have two.” Despite the topic at hand currently being murder victims, Zero continued with a cadence that was surprisingly cavalier. Guess when someone is noticeably blushing and growing a bit hot and bothered when they’re speaking to him it really takes the fear out of talking to someone with possible murder charges. After all, a cold hard murderer showing a bit of sheepishness like a nervous teenager talking to their classroom crush?

Oh, dare Zero even think— it might be a bit attractive.

Someone so calloused and violent, coming undone ever so slightly in his presence. Even if the undoneness was painted in just a faint blush of attraction on the other’s face, or slight tenseness in their words.

It made Zero feel a bit special, in a way.

“Two? Ah, I forget how many, but it’s well over two.” Although still collecting himself a bit, breaking his eyes back down to his handcuffs as if to hide the unspoken redness in his face, Numin’s voice composed itself with his next line, as if more thought would distract him from that word he kept trying to ignore whenever he looked at Zero. “Definitely more than two, it’s maybe… Maybe around a dozen or so? Although however many I’m charged with is beyond me. I’m certain the cops aren’t aware of all of them.”

The shock momentarily got to Zero for a split second, just at the sheer number. Or perhaps the shock was over Numin not even knowing the exact count; both were equally something to raise his brow in surprise at.

“Damn. Well, spoiler alert, I’m not here for murder myself.” After saying so, the memory of the officer pounding at his apartment door over an arrest warrant bubbled up into his consciousness, giving him an involuntary shiver when it popped at the surface.

Like old film flickering in his head with how vague and out of focus the memories were, he felt it more so than saw it.

Pain zipping up and down his back as he was knocked to the floor. Frail legs desperately kicking to keep the officer off of him. Hard boot connecting with his temple once, and the world darkening as everything slips away for a split moment into sheer pain and confusion. The second kick he doesn’t remember, but only assumes must’ve hit him after those memories cut short, hitting a blank wall as the world around was stolen away from him.

Unexpectedly, he noticed his mouth was a bit drier than a moment before.

“Come to think of it… I-I’m not all too sure what I’m arrested for, exactly.”

There was an unsteady shake in those words. Numin felt that deep part in his chest ache for him again, and without even thinking there was an audible jingle as he tugged the handcuffs yearningly again, subconscious desire turning into subtle action.

He wished he wasn’t confined.

“You can’t remember?” Softly, despite the gruffness of his voice, Numin verbally acknowledged Zero’s amnesia again.

Giving a weak half-hearted shrug, Zero blinked twice blankly, as if his eyes were focused on an absent memory. Or, at least the spaces where a memory may have been.

“I don’t know if I can’t remember or if I never knew in the first place. It’s weird, but somehow… even when I think I forgot something, I have the feeling that the information was once there.” A couple more blinks calibrated his eyes back to the dull hospital room around him, before continuing. “Like I noticed that I can’t recall your name again. Although for certain, I’m sure I’ve been told it more than once.”

The start of a weak and curious frown ghosted Numin’s lips. “Do you remember where to find it?”

There was another nervous bite on his bottom lip from Zero. Hesitant, as if taking a fifty-fifty shot at where he could possibly find his roommate’s name, he shakily raised his hand and checked the back of it.

And sure enough, confirming his hunch, there was a name in neat lettering there.

“Ah, the name Numin does ring a bell.”

His roommate chuckled deeply. “You said that last time.”

Tossing a perked brow up at him, Zero narrowed his eyes playfully.

“Well, then… let’s hope this time it’s louder bells.”

He ended his own retort with a slight chuckle of his own, almost distracted enough to not notice when the door opened for a nurse to hurry in. Numin recognized him as the one who injected the Valium into Zero’s veins this morning, and the viridescent hue of his eyes turned stygian and dark in bitter spite towards a particularly guilty party who Numin saw at blame for this morning’s fiasco.

“Oh-- Mr. Novem, I didn’t expect you up.” Tense, perhaps giving a few cautious glances at Numin to ensure he was still properly restrained, the nurse made his way for Zero’s bedside, only to have his patient narrow his eyes at him in distrust and sit up tensely in his bed, body language insinuating that his memory still recalled the face of who injected Valium into his veins earlier today.

Or perhaps, it was less of the memory of who Anderson was, and more of the innate emotion that seeing him evoked. Not a name, nor face, nor even incriminating action to seed a taste of discontent on Zero’s tongue when he saw the man; rather, it was a raw and visceral recoil, like how one would instinctively recoil from a bee’s sting before they had even realized they have stepped upon one.

Simply put, it was a knee-jerk reaction, memoryless by nature. Yet, the reaction his mind and body naturally had towards the nurse told Zero enough of the story; he was not a friend, nor was he one to be trusted.

“Yeah, I’m sure you would’ve liked not dealing with me for a few more hours, huh?” Leveled as to not betray enough defiance that could warrant another injection, Zero hissed at the nurse ever so begrudgingly.

A few flecks of guilt surfaced in the nurse’s soft umber eyes, uncensored and uninhibited. They gave his patient a genuine look of remorse that both Numin and Zero were surprised to see.

“My apologies for this morning. Things were, um, out of hand… in more ways than one.” Despite him reaching for Zero’s chart and making a few routine recordings of heart rate and alertness, the actions seemed more methodical and habitual rather than cold. “You had sustained quite a bit of damage from your arrest. Your coma was expected to last much longer, and finding you awake and lucid in addition to your roommate being unrestrained probably wasn’t the best atmosphere. The sedation was a tragic necessity to get things under control.”

Audibly in the background, Numin scoffed. But, perhaps in a more complacent state of mind considering his physical circumstances, Zero leaned more towards the believability of Anderson’s words— at least, if only noticeable by the slight release of tension knitting his brow in distaste.

He decided to entertain that the nurse was being truthful. At least, because he had no memories to contradict Anderson’s story of how this morning went.

“How long was I out for?” Inquiring through a hesitant tone, as if to attempt to gauge how serious the nurse actually was on his remorse, Zero pried for some answers.

Or, at least he tried to, if Numin didn’t interject almost immediately.

“A few days. I told you earlier already.” As if they were the only two in the room, Numin shot Zero a stern look, conveying a level of seriousness and intimidation in the darkness of his eyes that wasn’t quite there a moment before in their lighthearted words. And, nestled in the shadows of that darkness was a condensation to the nurse; he wasn’t even going to grace the guilty party with recognition, instead speaking only to Zero.

“A-ah, so have I been… under arrest? I’m not handcuffed to the bed like he is.” Words feeling thick and off balance on his tongue, Zero stuttered them out gracelessly, but not out of meekness to the nurse’s presence; he was instead nervous from the obvious cue from Numin that he wasn’t to continue addressing the nurse.

And, without even looking in his direction, Zero could feel the cold darkness in Numin’s eyes bearing down on him, festering in what the best case scenario is frustration, and worse case anger.

Noting the atmosphere himself, the nurse seemed meek to pique up. It took a few moments before he could muster to.

“You’re temporarily detained, not technically arrested. Your injuries and coma seemed severe enough to not warrant restraints, but if you pose a danger to others or a risk of escape—“ he made a curt yet polite nod towards Numin, signaling his example, “— then, you may also be handcuffed as well.”

“Ah. Makes sense. Guess I’m not complaining, then.” Zero replied back, albeit without complete presence in his own words. There was an obvious distraction hovering over his cadence, perhaps a voice inside him asking if the questions were worth Numin’s irate stare burning through his skin.

“It’s for the better. Honestly, if I’m being level with you, your charges might even be dropped.” Continuing the conversation between short scribbles and readings he was recording, Anderson’s nerves seemed to have ironed out a bit. Perhaps the reality of Numin being confined was comforting. Perhaps the irate glances being the most hostility he was expressing reassured him.

Zero could only guess the nurse has seen him in quite a rage state to be so initially cautious.

“Dropped? Dropped how? Honestly, I’m not entirely sure what my charges even are.” His words were strained, their delivery being just a bit faster than his previous reply, exposing his underlying urge to hear what he was actually arrested over.

Anderson peaked an eyebrow in slight surprise, looking over his clipboard of vitals and notes at his patient.

“You were charged with cyber crimes for breaching the Cray Incorporation’s computers. I don’t know the details, but I’ve been told it’s not exactly a grave offense,” there was a gentleness in his eyes, softening a bit in sympathy, “but, due to the brutality of your arrest and the injuries you sustain, I’m no lawyer but… I don’t exactly see the charges going through.”

A short catch of his breath exposed Zero’s relief and surprise— he honestly didn’t even register his hack as major enough to even be noticed, let alone criminalized.

“Finally, some words from you that have actual meaning: you’re no lawyer. So why don’t you stop talking to him and stringing him along on these guideless assumptions?” Sharply, like the irritation towards Zero was being snuffed out and instead ignited onto Anderson, Numin diverted his attention.

Zero blinked, taken aback but also secretly relieved he was no longer under those threatening eyes.

“I-I’m just saying, that’s what it looks like at the moment. Were you even aware of his charges, Mr. Belua?” Without much confidence underlying his reply, Anderson noticeably tightened his grip on Zero’s chart sheepishly. Nevertheless, his dominant hand still continued their short and purposeful scribbles, as if to hide the idea his nerves around Numin may be preoccupying him.

The restrained, dangerous man chuckled. Zero has never heard someone laugh with both darkness and irritation enveloped together, intertwining in an unnerving way as to coax goosebumps from those who heard. Surely enough, confirming with a quick glance, some bumps were already decorating Zero’s exposed forearms.

“Doesn’t matter what he was charged with. I knew it wasn’t a violent crime, that’s for sure.” Giving his chained fist a quick pound against the bed’s side rail to rattle his handcuffs, Numin made both a show of his aggression and a show of his containment. Nevertheless, there was a bit of a sadistic gleam in his eyes that Zero saw, a noticeable delight Numin took when the poor nurse jumped at his threateningly loud hit against the side rail.

“You know, those handcuffs aren't just for my protection-- they’re for his, as well.” Anderson gestured to Zero, pen still in hand as he pointed, before turning to said patient. “I’m sure for your consideration, you might want to hear he’s a danger to his roommates. He put his last one in the ICU.”

“Don’t you dare!” Numin growled, straightening up in his bed but unable to do anything more than yank threateningly at his cuffs.

“W-what are you talking about?” Zero squeaked back at Anderson, almost meekly at the news.

“I’m talking about why he was put with you. We put him with a comatose patient on purpose… He kept breaking out of his restraints and assaulting the other ones.”

“Because they were disgusting! I couldn’t stand to listen to anything that came out of their worthless mouths!” Numin nearly shouted back, seething with so much irate that it dripped off each syllable like venom. His unshackled hand came down to grab the side rail that he was cuffed to, tightening around the metal in a white-knuckled grip, and he gave another violent shake that sounded close to breaking it. The jarring noise of it made Anderson drop his chart, recoiling with a startled step back.

“Mr.Belua, calm yourself or I’ll have to call in the head nurse.”

“You want me fucking calm!? Then get out of here! I’ll rip your tongue out if you wanna stay and keep talking!” Like an animal in a cage, he thrashed savagely, clanging the handcuffs around in his fit. The bed rattled with it, loud and unnerving, hinting his threat was going to be fulfilled if Anderson dared stay any longer.

Even though the words weren’t even directed at him, Zero found himself curling up nervously, tucking his knees under his chin and holding onto his legs like a surrogate security blanket. Whether between the room’s atmosphere or his surfacing anxiety, the wound on his head throbbed deep with his heart rate, fast and heavy. The air was getting too thick to breath in smoothly.

Weirdly enough, that tone and anger reminded him of his father.

Even the nurse seemed shaken. His eyes only parted off Numin to make a glance at his clipboard and pen on the floor, rethinking his decision to aggravate such an infamous patient. Although it only took a few mere seconds, the racy thoughts in his head to finish his rounds and leave this room was apparent on his face. A few beads of sweat made a constellation of fear on his brow, and rather than make a deal out of this and call in the head nurse, he decided to pretend this didn’t happen.

After all, if worse comes to worse, he didn’t want Numin breaking loose; Anderson already knew he could. And he didn’t want to be the guilty party who had provoked him.

Without much other words, Anderson gave a sorry glance at Zero, before reaching for the chart on the ground. After hastily clipping on the pen and returning it to Zero’s bed post, he turned heel and left, stumbling slightly in his hurry and shutting the door quickly behind him.

It took Zero a few moments before he realized his body was shaking.

He could hear Numin’s quick, frustrated breaths from across the room. Almost like the breathing of a wolf about to growl. Like an impending attack was coming, that maybe if he stayed still and quiet he could avoid. Meekly, Zero slouched into himself, as if trying to not be there.

He’s used to not being there. He’s used to trying to pretend not to exist. If his dad has taught him anything, it was that.

Numin didn’t say a word. Just kept breathing, deep and upset. Angered.

Zero wanted to remember something about his roommate to trust. To fall back on as reassurance that this man wouldn’t vent his anger upon him now that the nurse is gone.

But aided by his anxiety, his memories all seemed distant and fuzzy.

His head was pounding.

All he could feel right now was fear for him. It felt like his father across the room. It felt like that was the last time he had been sober and so afraid of someone before.

“Zero. Are you okay there?”

It was Numin speaking, anger still laced in those words but concern still surfacing. Yet it wasn’t his voice Zero heard.

It was his father’s.

“Say something. P-pl…” hesitating, as if reluctant to cede his pride, the voice dropped an octave lower before continuing, “p-please, just say something, Zero.”

It sounded like his father’s voice. Not him, not Numin-- It was his father.

The memories burned in his head, blistering with the searing pain of his headache. He can’t remember this roommate. For whatever reason, in this godforsaken bright white room, he only remembers his father.

A few sparse tears beaded his lashes, barely held back from rolling down his hot red face.

“Please… I-I didn’t mean to scare you, just… Just tell me you’re okay, Zero.”

The words didn’t even register.

Zero was already gone.

[duhragonball]

[FIC] Luffa: The Legendary Super Saiyan (132/?)

Disclaimer: This story features characters and concepts based on Dragon Ball, which is a trademark of Bird Studio/Shueisha and Toei Animation.   This is an unauthorized work, and no profit is being made on this work by me. This story is copyright of me. Download if you like, but please don’t archive it without my permission. Don’t be shy.

Continuity Note: About 1000 years before the events of Dragon Ball Z.

[October 25, 233 Before Age. Despye.]

"The shipyard has a few surface-to-orbit cannons. Here, here... and here."

From inside his cell, Guwar pointed at various spots on a map printed from his ship's database. It had always been his plan to share this information with Luffa once he reached Federation space. He hadn't really considered how that handover would work. In hindsight, he supposed that it had been naive to think that he would just tell Luffa what she needed to know and that would be that. They didn't trust him, not completely. And so he was confined to a holding cell while a blue-skinned alien interrogated him over and over.

"Good," she said as she scribbled notes onto a pad. "What sort of ships do they have in the yard?"

He sighed before answering. "Mainly surplus Camelian cruisers, a few privately owned mercenary craft, all stolen, of course. There's some freighters for covert ops and troop transports, but most of those were already deployed. Our warriors would take them to various star systems and then hijack other ships, then take those into Federation space. That's how we managed to avoid being traced back. But you already knew that from the last four times I answered this question."

"Just seeing if you can keep your story straight, Guwar," she said. He didn't know her name, or even what planet she came from. He didn't think she was very strong-- not by Saiyan standards, anyway. But then, he wasn't very strong himself anymore.

"Tell me about the Jindan formula," she said. For a moment he thought she might have read his mind, but he knew this was impossible. It probably wasn't a coincidence either. She kept asking about the same things over and over, expecting to catch him in some lie.

"Trismegistus created it," he groaned as he explained it again. "The rest of the galaxy knows him as the Saiyan King Rehval, but you have to get to a certain rank in the cult before he reveals that to you. Some Saiyans can't handle the truth, so he wipes their memory and makes them repeat the indoctrination until they can accept it."

"Not what I asked," she said.

"I'm just trying to keep this interesting," he said. He got up from his seat in the cell and paced around a bit before sitting back down. Her chair didn't look that much more comfortable than his, but hers had a thin layer of cushioning that he envied.

The alien put her pen to her lower lip. "Oh, it's already pretty interesting, Guwar. Keep talking."

"The Jindan potion makes Saiyans stronger. Something about tapping into a wellspring of energy from the earth, and using it to supplement the life energy in the body. Rehval makes this potion and you drink it." As he mimicked the act of putting a goblet to his lips, he paused as he recalled the rush of ecstasy he felt as he received the power. In that moment, he had felt like he could do anything. It seemed like a hundred years ago.

"Is that how you get the Mindworm?" she asked.

"No, that's a different procedure," he said as he tapped the side of his head. "Your mistress already knows about the Mindworm."

"Mistress?"

"Well, you work for her, don't you? Like, her butler or something."

She laughed quietly and jotted something down in her notes. "Butler, right. Okay."

He shrugged and decided there was no point in prying. "The Mindworm attacks anyone who tries to probe our minds. It protects his secrets. And it's permanent. The Jindan Power, he can take that away whenever he wants. He withdrew it from me while I was on my way here. The catch is, he takes some of my own power with it. Like he's collecting interest."

"So you end up weaker than you were before you started," she said. "I thought I sensed something weird about your ki."

"You can sense my ki?" he asked. He suddenly felt very exposed. Her left eye, the one that wasn't covered by the patch, seemed much more intrusive as she stared into his cell.

"Oh, I can sense more than that, Guwar," she said. "Ki, temperature, heart rate. Why do you think I'm doing this interrogation instead of her? I mean, she's got better things to do, but besides that."

"You're what, then? Some sort of lie detector?"

"Not exactly," she said. "Let's just say I've learned how to interpret a Saiyan's pulse. But enough about me. Tell me about the Nagaoka system again. You said Rehval's on the second of four planets, right?"

"No, I said there was only one planet. Nice try."

She smiled and glanced down at her notes.

"This is a waste of time!" he said. "I already told you everything you needed to know. I thought Luffa would be halfway to Nagaoka now. The longer she waits--"

"You let us worry about that, Guwar," she said. "All you have to do is answer my questions."

"Can I ask you something?"

"Sure, but I probably won't answer."

"Can Luffa defeat him? I mean, she's the Super Saiyan, but is that enough?"

The alien looked up at him with a serious expression. "She's more than enough, Guwar. But you already knew that, didn't you? Otherwise, why else would you risk everything to come here?"

"I... I'm just hedging my bets," he said. "The universe has gotten too hot for Saiyans lately. It's all coming down between Luffa and Rehval, and anyone who doesn't pick a side will get caught in the middle. Rehval's insane, so there's only one other choice."

"You're lying," she said. "If all you cared about was saving your own skin, you'd have taken your ship as far away from here as you could go. Rehval's got you worried. Not just about yourself, but for everyone."

"You can tell all that from my body heat?" Guwar scoffed.

"No, I can tell from your answers," she said. "You're in a big hurry for us to stop this guy, even though he's already punished you for turning against him. And you keep talking about how all the Saiyans will be doomed unless she saves them. You've seen the light, Guwar. Just like I have."

There was nothing he could say about that. He wanted to tell her she was wrong, or that he didn't believe her, but the truth was that he wanted her to be right, at least as far as Luffa being able to win. So instead of saying anything, he just turned and faced away from her, but only for as long as it took for him to pace the length of his cell. She was still there when he turned around.

"Let's move on to those spears you guys always use," she said. "What's the deal with those?"

*******

While Zatte questioned Guwar on Luffa's ship, Luffa herself was briefing the Federation Council, along with its top military commanders, on their planned counterattack. Despye prided itself on the image of a pastorial, agrarian society, but it was also home to a powerful military-industrial complex. Prester Ganzut wore a simple pair of pink overalls and often carried a ceremonial pitchfork when conducting political business. He even smelled of hay, suggesting that he had always just stepped in from tending his fields, though Luffa suspected that he used some sort of farm-scented cologne. The more she got to know the man, the less and less he seemed like a simple man of the land. Watching him host the Federation's leaders in a heavily armored amphitheater only made it that much clearer to which world he belonged.

"Federation observatories have confirmed the presence of a star system in the coordinates you gave us," Marshall Booth said as he addressed the delegates. Luffa didn't care much for him either, but at least his red military uniform told no lies about his agenda. "We don't want to send scout ships, since it might tip our hand, but we've managed to verify just about everything else that Guwar has told us so far. He even told us about an upcoming raid, and gave us the codes to disable their ships. We defeated them easily."

"It's a little too good to be true, isn't it?" asked Emir Plair of Porpozit. He was an ophidian being with thin legs and arms, and a forked tongue that darted out of his mouth every so often. "We've been fighting these cultists for months, with no end in sight, and suddenly this defector shows up on our doorstep and tells us everything we need to win?"

"Attacking Nagaoka won't be a walk in the park, Emir," Luffa said. She uncrossed her legs and leaned forward in her chair. "I intend to personally kill every Saiyan on its surface, but we'll need a whole fleet to surround the planet so no one escapes. And we'll need a second fleet to guard the first one from any counterattack. Rehval won't go down without a fight, and Guwar tells me that his Jindan powers are strongest there."

"We ought to contact him first, shouldn't we?" asked Jett Farthing, Leader-1 of Kiqs IV. He looked like a pile of tentacles stuffed into a blue robe. "Once he finds out that we know where his lair is, he might be open to negotiations."

"He's not interested in negotiations," Luffa snarled. "I tried playing nice with him before, and he lured me into a deathtrap. Drang Dedruhn still hasn't recovered from that charmed necklace he gave her. I won't underestimate him again. Besides, why would any of you want to talk peace with that bastard, after everything he's done to your people?"

"Yes, the element of surprise is vital to this offensive," Booth added. "Even if the cult knows that we have Guwar, they won't know when we'll strike, or how our attack will be carried out. We may not get a second chance at this."

"Rehval seems to take that planet pretty seriously, but he'll abandon it if he thinks he's cornered," Luffa said. "Don't forget about those rock-creatures he's been manifesting on your planets. If he can control those things from another star system, then he probably has some way to escape Nagaoka in an emergency." She punched her open palm as she spoke. "That's why we've got to hit him hard and fast, and from all sides. If we catch him off-guard, we can disrupt his contingency plans before he has a chance to use them."

"Seems t'me that's exactly what he'd want you to try, darlin'," said Prester Ganzut. "You take a fleet all the way out to Nagaoka, and leave our homestead vulnerable to his next attack. If I were him, I'd already be on my way here, leading my own fleet into battle while yours heads to an empty planet."

"We thought of that," Luffa said through clenched teeth. Her tail moved in such a way that would have made her growing irritation very obvious to anyone who understood Saiyan body language. But to the aliens delegates of the council, she simply appeared to be slightly anxious to get underway. "The entire Saiyan Free Company will be going with me to Nagaoka, along with the third and sixth fleet from the Federation Navy. Booth will be taking the ninth fleet to the Gelbo System, about halfway between Nagaoka and here. The rest of our forces will remain in Federation space to deal with any new invaders. From Gelbo, Booth can coordinate with both fronts, and deploy reinforcements wherever they're needed."

"Will the remaining fleets be enough to protect us?" asked Saith Reinar of Rastraw II. Her exoskeleton clicked and the gold bangles on her six limbs clinked as she trembled with anxiety. "We've all seen what those Saiyans can do once they reach the surface of an inhabited world--!"

"Which is precisely why we must intercept and destroy incoming ships before that happens," Booth said. "I have already issued new shelter orders for civilian populations, and local defense forces have been mobilized for--"

"None of that will mean anything if a band of these Saiyan fanatics get past your fleet!" said of Bort Samsa of Drakkenfilt. His body was covered in a thick layer of symbiotic moss, which made his form difficult to make out. "They've managed to do it time and time again during this war, even with all of our forces on the defensive! And now you want to send troops to Gelbo!?"

Booth didn't have a tail, although Luffa could imagine what it might have looked like if he had one. "We have to take the offensive," he insisted. "If we adopt a siege mentality, then the enemy will simply wear us down."

"Hold on a moment," said of Chet Vil, President of Boiperpei. He spoke slowly, more deliberately than the others. While they seemed more terrified of the risks, he talked as though giving a speech to his caninoid constituents back home. "In these unprecedented times, it's clear that there's a great deal at stake. And I think that what we should be focusing on is finding a way to attack the enemy and defend our territory at the same time, without dividing our brave fighting forces. It could be very beneficial to the Federation. Why, just think of what we might accomplish, not only in this war, but in future conflicts."

"You're an idiot," Luffa said. "I only came here to brief you all on my plans, so that you could prepare your people for what might happen if anything goes wrong. I'm not interested in suggestions, especially nonsense. You're up, Dotz."

Nearby, Dotz rose from her chair and gingerly waved to the councilors, then clasped her hands together for a moment, before fidgeting with the purple shawl that hung around her neck and shoulders.

"We've been briefed about your psychic, Madam Federatrix," said Tak-Tik of Kopey. "And we know that her predictions are no guarantee of success."

"Dotz can see the future a lot more clearly than anyone else in this room," Luffa said with a smile. "And she's accurately predicted every Jindan attack inside of Federation space. The only reason we've taken as many losses as we have is because we couldn't always keep up with the invasions, but she always knew where they would show up, and when. Tell them what you told me, Dotz."

"W-well," she began. "I've been trying to improve my abilities lately, for the war effort and all. When Luffa told me about this attack on Nagaoka, she asked me to find out if the prisoner she captured was telling the truth about it. I saw a battle taking place there. Very terrible, but I can't tell anything specific about it. So there must be something there worth fighting over."

There was a rumble of murmurs from the council, and Luffa gestured for Dotz to continue.

"As for the Federation, um, well I'm sorry, but I don't really see any fighting inside your territory, not with Saiyan invaders anyway. Other enemies are harder for me to forsee, unless you have one in mind that you want me to look out for."

"I can't be sure of Dotz' maximum limit," Luffa explained, "but she's forecast battles a month before I fought them. The accuracy gets kind of fuzzy further out than that, but it won't take more than two weeks for the fleet to reach Nagaoka. Dotz says the cult won't make a move while we're gone, and that's good enough for me. Even if something did happen, you'll have Booth's group one week away at Gelbo."

"Convenient, ain't it?" asked Prester Ganzut. "That the enemy'd suddenly stop attacking us like that, for no good reason."

Luffa turned to look at him with an eager gleam in her eye. "Oh, I'll give them a reason to stop attacking, Prester," she said. "They won't attack the Federation because they'll all be dead after I finish attacking them. Or maybe they'll win, and you all can negotiate a settlement over my dead body. Either way, the war will be over, which only confirms that Nagaoka is where the last battle will be fought."

"And we should accept this as fact? Based on the words of this... this confidence man?"

Luffa shot a dirty look at a woman who now stood up from the group. "Do you have a problem, General Bailgrad?"

The general made a self-satisfied smirk as she peered over her glasses to look down at Luffa on the floor. "Not with you, Madam Federatrix, but I have a duty to object to the quality of your advisors. It's shameful enough that our entire defense is centered around 'psychic' visions, however accurate they may be."

"Dotz's prophecies are legitimate, General," Luffa growled. "I wouldn't have consulted with her if I didn't believe in her abilities."

"It's not a question of ability," Bailgrad replied. "It's a matter of allegiance, of competency. How can you trust someone who's not even a Federation citizen, who has no stake in this war? Why, just look at him."

"What?!" Luffa snapped.

"Really, Luffa, I'd like to think that women have made some genuine progress in this society. You're a role model, and it's very damaging to your cause when you humor such infantile notions that biology can be circumvented, simply by dressing up like my grandmother. How can we even take seriously a prophet who doesn't know whether he's a--"

As Bailgrad spoke, Luffa stretched out her hand, and quickly twisted her wrist, pointing her index and middle fingers toward the ceiling. As she did, the general suddenly exploded where she stood. Everyone around her cried out in terror, and yet, the force of the blast was directed upward, the energy so carefully controlled, that the people nearest to Bailgrad felt only a stiff breeze. As for the general herself, nothing remained but her shoes, and a plume of smoke that rose up from them.

"I'll only say this once," Luffa said. "Dotz has saved countless lives in this war. She has my complete confidence. If any of you dare to insult her like that again, I will slaughter you without hesitation. Now. Does anyone else have anything to say?"

No one did. And so Luffa adjourned the meeting, and gestured for Dotz to follow her back to her ship.

"Y-you didn't have to do that," Dotz finally said.

Before Luffa could reply, she noticed Prester Ganzut running after them from the corridor.

"Luffa, wait!"

"The meeting is adjourned, Prester," Luffa said coldly.

"Beggin' your pardon," he said, "but you know it ain't that simple. That wasn't some buck private you just destroyed. Bailgrad's got a lot of friends on Despye. Lot of pull in the rest of the Federation too, f'r that matter."

"Hah! Not anymore, she doesn't," Luffa said with a smirk.

"Consarn it, I'm serious, Luffa!" Ganzut said. He wore the pink overalls of a simple Despyan farmer, but he was as much a career politician as the rest of them. His snowy white hair and leathery skin only meant that he had been doing it longer than most. There was a time, not so long ago, when she found him and others like him to be somewhat amusing.

"So am I," Luffa said. "I protect all of you people by choice, and somehow you think I'm just going to sit quietly and lick your boots while you disrespect my comrades? Think again, Prester."

"I know what you're capable of, ma'am," he said. "And personally, I think Bailgrad deserved what she got. Not much of a general if she couldn't see the tactical flaws in pissin' you off."

"She wasn't a general at all," Luffa said. "Just another pencil pusher behind a desk, handed a title she was never qualified to hold. Just like all of those 'friends' on Despye you were warning me about, Prester. Now that I think about it, maybe someone needs to clean things up on this planet of yours."

He chuckled for a moment, and then his eyes went wide as he realized she wasn't joking. For a split second, his arm reached out, as if he meant to grab her by the shoulder. Perhaps this was how he was used to scolding other women of Luffa's size and stature, but he thought better of it, and kept his hands to himself.

"It don't work that way!" he said, almost pleadingly. "Can't you see that? I thought you woulda learned by now how complicated this stuff is. The government only works when it keeps enough of the people in line. Sometimes that means making compromises, darlin'. You scratch someone's back so they'll scratch yours later. You learn to eat slop and like the taste, because not all of us can break a mountain in two, or shoot lasers out of our hands. It's all a popularity contest, and--" he paused to glance at Dotz-- "beggin' your friend's pardon, there's a lot of rotten ideas out there that are a lot more popular than you are."

"Is there a point to all of this, Prester?" Luffa asked.

"Dagnabbit, I'm tryin' to tell you that if you keep throwin' your weight around, there won't be any Federation left to run! You probably don't look at the polls, but folks ain't as keen on you as they used to be. Some of 'em think you're a troublemaker, and there's plenty others who say you started this whole war, just so your Saiyan buddies could take over. Nobody can stop you, but if you push them too far, a bunch of 'em will die trying, and they'll ruin everything else while they're at it. So just... just back off a hair, is all I'm sayin'."

"Is that all? Fine. Here's what I say."

She grabbed Ganzut by the front of his pink overalls, and lifted him off his feet with one hand. Dotz gasped at the sight of this, but knew better than to interfere. To Ganzut's credit, he didn't panic, though it was clear from his expression that he would have much rather stayed on the ground.

"You probably think I don't keep up with current events much," Luffa said as she stared into his eyes. "I'm so busy fighting your wars, or looking for my own battles, so you figure you can do as you please while my back is turned. That's what got Bailgrad killed, Prester. She got so complacent, so used to thinking she was untouchable, that she forgot how to behave when I was right in front of her."

Ganzut tried to talk, but there really wasn't anything he could say at this point, so he ended up just making a series of nonverbal grunts. Luffa smiled.

"The fact is, I have been paying attention to what goes on in the Federation. The deal was that all of you kings and ministers and presidents would work together and keep things running smoothly while I protected you. And you've done a halfway decent job, but there's plenty of corruption and inequality in the system. Humanoids like Dotz don't get the respect they deserve. The outbreak of space cholera on Fedender is being completely mishandled. Some third-rate celebrity has been stirring up a campaign to harass Ichthyoids on Eetie, based on some laughable conspiracy! Oh, and one of your own department heads has been withholding technical services to farmers with malfunctioning equipment. Are you going to tell me to back off from that, Prester?"

"W-we're workin' on that!" Ganzut said.

Luffa dropped him to the floor. "Work harder," she said. "Because when I get back from Nagaoka, I may just decide to take matters into my own hands. And you might not like the way I solve problems. I won't be very popular by the time I get done, but that's never mattered much to me before."

She turned and left with Dotz. Ganzut gathered himself from the floor, coughing and struggling to catch his breath.

*******

"What did he say then?"

"Nothing. What could he say? He probably thought if he argued with me anymore, I'd kill him like I killed Bailgrad."

"Would you?" Zatte asked.

"Nah, he's not such a bad guy," Luffa said. "He's in a difficult position, or at least what he thinks is difficult. I killed Bailgrad because she was an embarrassment. She owed her life to Dotz's predictions. A little courtesy is a small price to pay."

After the conference, Luffa had returned to her ship, which she and Zatte prepared for the long trip to Nagaoka. Together, they took inventory of the supplies in the cargo bay.

"Is that what's next for us?" Zatte asked as she checked the expiration date on a crate of flour. "After we settle things on Nagaoka, I mean. I was starting to think you were planning to leave the Federation for good."

"Oh, I thought about it," Luffa said. "Trouble is, there's nothing else out there for me. I started this alliance to make things simpler for me while I hunted down Kandai. Ever since then it's been more trouble than it's worth, but there's no bigger battles out there for me to find. I might as well stay put and hope the competition comes to me."

"You don't think Nagaoka will be big enough for you?" Zatte asked.

"To tell you the truth, it doesn't matter much anymore. I... maybe this won't make any sense, but I'm sick of this war. When it started, it seemed like a proper challenge, but I've just been fighting variations of the same battle over and over again. The only real issue is keeping my injuries under control, and making sure we get to the next planet in time. It's more about time management than combat. The enemy knows they can't match my power, so they're just trying to wear me down, so what could they hope to do when they're on the defensive?"

"They might have a secret weapon or two," Zatte offered. "Something Guwar doesn't know about."

"Thanks for trying to cheer me up, but I think they would have used something like that by now," Luffa said. "Anyway, it doesn't matter. When this is over, there probably won't be any new fights for a while, and I think I'm okay with that. I think I'd rather wait for something big to show up instead of trying to force it. I just have to keep busy in the meantime."

"So this social justice campaign is your new hobby?"

Luffa lifted a tank of potable water to read the lot number on the bottom. "I'm not looking forward to it, if that's what you mean. I just know there's a lot of people like Ganzut who feel like they're stuck, and to me it doesn't seem all that hard to get them unstuck. There must be something I can do, and I'm not afraid to bust some heads to make it happen."

"Well I think it's perfect," Zatte said. "It might take you a while to get the hang of it, but with your power, there's no limit to the good you might do for people. Not to mention all the other Saiyans."

"What about them?" Luffa asked.

"Well, with Rehval defeated, they'll have to recognize you for what you are, right?"

Luffa put down the tank and shook her head. "You're a dreamer, Zattie. You ought to know by now how stubborn my people are."

"Seltiss is starting to see it," Zatte said. "And Guwar too. They won't admit it, but I can tell. They wanted Rehval or someone like him to prove you wrong, but now that they see him for what he really is..."

"I can see it now," Luffa said. "'And that's the story, children, of how Old Luffa got all the Saiyans to start planting trees and lobby for fairer transportation laws.'"

"Hey, don't sell yourself short," Zatte said. "You can do anything you set your mind to. And don't worry about getting bored. Trouble usually finds you sooner or later."

"Hah! I hadn't thought of it that way," Luffa said. "Maybe it won't be so bad after all."

NEXT: Left Behind

[seanfalco]

Road Trip: Punk!AU

Fandom: The Witcher Pairing: Punk!Valdo x Punk!Aevryn (oc), Punk!Geralt x Punk! Yennefer, Punk!Jaskier x Reader Word Count: 2963 Rating: T Taglist: @ficsandcatsandficsandcats, @nevadawolfe, @magic-multicolored-miracle, @coffee-and-stories a/n: This installment is really oc heavy sorryyyy.  Also I’m really terrible at writing lyrics, so please forgive my shitty attempt lol.  The next part will be supplied by @ficsandcatsandficsandcats :3

{Part I}{Part II}{Part III}{Part IV}

Part V - If You Need Anyone

Chicago had been fun.  

After her talk with Win, Aevryn felt like a weight had been lifted from her lungs.  She still wasn’t talking with Yennefer, which stung, and Valdo’s request for her to listen to his new album hung over her head, twisting her stomach anxiously, but at least one thing was okay.

I release you.

She’d finished out the rest of the city with a genuine smile on her face, glad that Jaskier had begged for them to stop and have some fun, forgetting her worries for at least a few hours.

Back in Roach Aev sat in the backseat as the others piled in for the night, exhausted, putting her earbuds in as Win’s comforting presence settled next to her.  Leaning against the darkened van window she watched the dark lake shore fly by with the blur of headlights, the city skyline shrinking in the distance, an empty ache settling in her chest.  Valdo’s album was set to drop soon and she didn’t know if she was ready.  

True she’d put on one of his songs the other morning as she’d drove, just to hear his voice, but it had been one she’d heard many times before.  This new album was uncharted territory and she worried it might dredge up more emotions she wasn’t sure if she was ready to face yet; there was still so much to unpack there, things long buried.

Unlocking her phone she opened up her twitter messages, reading them over again when a new message alert popped up.

@valdomarxofficial: Hey, happy birthday, beautiful.  Am I the first to wish you that?  I hope so.

Shit, she swore, eyes flicking up to the top bar of her phone that displayed the time, to see that it was indeed a couple minutes after midnight, July 31st.  Her birthday.

Groaning at the thought of what embarrassing things her bandmates’ were going to attempt to do to celebrate, a slight giddiness filled her chest that Valdo had been the first to remember.

@aeverona: You are, actually.  I’m impressed you remembered.

@valdomarxofficial:  You wound me, love.  How could I forget something so important?  Are you doing anything special to celebrate?

Shaking her head fondly, Aevryn scooted down further in her seat, chewing her lip, fighting back a smile as her fingers flew over the onscreen keyboard.

@aeverona:  you prick, there are a lot of important things you’ve forgotten over the years... but i’m glad you messaged me.  No, we’re just driving right now, everyone’s asleep.

@valdomarxofficial: a shame, you should be the center of attention at a decadent party thrown in your honour.  Perhaps i’ll have to rectify that.  Well, if you have nothing better to do, consider this your birthday gift from me.  x

Attached was a download link from his bandcamp and Aev sighed at the sight.  He really wanted her to listen, didn’t he?

@aeverona: a bit self absorbed, are we?  lol  okay, i give in i’ll listen to it

Taking a deep breath she clicked the link to the download.  While she waited she turned back to the window, pressing her cheek to the cool glass.  She could hear Yennefer’s voice in her head, as if her friend could read her thoughts even now.  Don’t.  How many times are you going to let him hurt you?

She closed her eyes.

—

Yennefer pulled her cardigan tighter around her shoulders as she shifted in the passenger seat, trying to find a comfortable spot while avoiding glancing at Geralt behind the wheel.  The soft music he had turned on had effectively lulled the rest of the van to sleep, but her thoughts swirled, keeping her awake.  

She could sense Geralt’s eyes flicking to her every so often and sighed, sitting up in the seat, unable to will herself to sleep anyway.  Her change in posture signified that she wanted to talk, but an awkward silence fell over them while Geralt merely waited.

“So… what did you and Jaskier do today when we split up?” she asked without looking at him.

Geralt glanced at her, a ghost of a smile tracing his lips for a moment.

“We climbed a rock wall.”

Yennefer jerked in surprise, her dark eyes peering back at Jaskier, snoring softly.  “But he hates heights.”

“I know,” Geralt replied with a soft snort, wanting to say more, though the words died on his tongue.  Silence fell once more.  

Several miles passed.

“What about you and [Y/N]?”  

Yennefer shrugged.  “We rode the carousel and talked.”

“Oh?”

“Yep.”  Yennefer answered simply.  “I got to ride a dragon.”

Geralt snorted in amusement.  “Very you.”

Yen’s answering laugh lifted his spirits, buoying him even as silence fell once more.  At least she was talking to him again.

—

Aevryn startled awake as the van slowed, turning off the highway into a brightly lit truck stop.  Geralt threw Roach into park and got out.  The others stirred slightly, but no one woke.  Aev looked down at her phone.  Fuck, she thought angrily, Valdo’s album list staring her in the face.  She hadn’t meant to fall asleep.  It had only been an hour and a half, but now that she was awake and filled with nervous energy she didn’t think she could just sit there.  

Carefully extricating herself from the depths of the van she slipped out the sliding door, following Geralt into the rest stop.  The usually stoic drummer gave a start when he turned from the cooler, drink in hand, to find her standing right behind him.

“Jesus Aev,” he growled, frowning, stepping around her to go pay.

“Can I drive for a bit, Gery?”  Aevryn asked, quickly grabbing another Red Bull from the cooler before jogging to catch up to him, flashing him a smarmy smile as he grabbed a box of Little Debbie snack cakes.

“Don’t call me that,” Geralt grunted, setting his purchases on the counter.  After a moment he grabbed the giant can out of her hand to set with his stuff before handing the cashier a worn twenty.

“Please?” Aevryn asked.  “If I don’t keep my hands busy I’ll go crazy.  And I need to keep my mind off some… stuff.”

“Hmm.”  

The cashier handed him his change and Geralt handed Aev her drink.  

“You’re not tired?” he asked, giving her a pointed look, his light hazel eyes studying her sharply, knowingly.

“No.”

“Hmm.”  After a moment Geralt nodded and shoved the box of cakes at her.  “Here.  This is for you.”

Aevryn ducked her head to hide her grin as she followed Geralt back to the van, noticing the cakes were mini birthday cakes.

Taking the driver’s seat Aevryn buckled in and stuck her headphones in her ears, not wanting to face a repeat of the other morning as she listened to Valdo’s new music.  If Jaskier happened to wake up and heard it he would flip his shit, and on top of everything else going on, that was the last thing Aev wanted to deal with.  She still didn’t know how she was going to break it to him that she was on speaking terms with her ex again, amongst other things. 

Taking a swig of her energy drink and stuffing one of the snack cakes in her mouth she turned on the first song as she pulled back onto the highway.  

This album is a letter, one I should have written long ago.

Valdo’s low voice in her ear sent an involuntary shiver down her spine and her breath caught at his words, fending off the intrusive thought that he was speaking directly to her before the guitar swelled, leading into the next song and Aev nearly barked a surprised laugh at the opening notes -- a cover of one of her favourite songs.

Not usually one to care for covers, she couldn’t help but admit that it was good; Valdo’s voice filling each familiar lyric with new meaning, and again it felt as though he were singing for her and her alone, a private performance that the masses might peer into, but never truly understand.  The next song was an original one, but again with an easter egg she felt was strangely meant for her to uncover.  Valdo’s haunting vocals were joined by another voice, barking and raspy, and instantly recognizable to Aevryn.

That fucking bastard, she thought, shaking her head in disbelief, though a smile stole across her face like a thief.  He’d just had to go and collaborate with her favourite musician -- one so obscure that not even Jaskier knew she listened to.  Now he was just showing off.  

As she continued to listen, each song had something jump out at her, some lyric that tickled her memory or a reference to some in-joke shared between the two of them as teens, and it was becoming more and more difficult to believe that these were just coincidences.  Looking down at her phone she realized she was already on the final song and that’s when it happened.

The opening notes were accompanied by a lonely piano chord and the instant mood change gripped her, holding her hostage as she listened raptly, her hands tightening on the steering wheel.  Valdo’s voice trembled with emotion, weaving poetry that would certainly steal anyone’s breath away -- personal and raw, but the words hit her like a train, her eyes widening and her mouth falling open.

Darling, it was always you, since day one, I knew, I was smitten, I admit, but it was more than that. After all, ‘just friends’ don’t look at each other like that. ‘Just friends’ don’t kiss each other like that.

It nearly took this immature fuckup too long to realize, What you meant when you said I needed you. And by then it was almost too late. How was I to know you’d need me too? I never told you, when you lay in that hospital bed, unsure if you’d ever wake, It nearly killed me, it drove me mad. Not caring what might become of me I went to his house and I went to bat, I lashed out in hate. Please don’t tell me it was all for nothing...

Her throat suddenly dry, Aevryn swallowed as the song continued on.  

It was her.  It was their life. 

Had he really done that, she wondered, her breath shallow as a memory she’d fought hard to bury surfaced hazily.  When she’d woke in the hospital after telling him why she’d done it, he was lying in the bed with her, his cut lip and bruised knuckles standing out in stark relief now.  She’d never really questioned where they came from before. 

“Oh my God,” she whispered; her hand covering her mouth as her lip trembled and a single tear fell. 

This song was about her, for her.  No, not just this song, she realized -- “this album is a letter…”

As Valdo continued to spin their story, the highs and the heartbreaks, his fuck-ups and regrets -- it broke her anew and soon she was wracked with silent sobs, tears flowing freely down her cheeks til she could barely see the road before her.  

Forgive me Aev, I never deserved you in the first place, but I want to be the man that does.  

In the passenger seat Yennefer stretched, a soft sound catching her attention and she opened her eyes slowly.

“Aev?” she asked softly, noticing her friend in the driver’s seat.  Then she noticed she was crying.  “Fuck, Aev!  What’s wrong?” Yennefer sat up quickly, reaching out to touch Aevryn’s arm.

“That fucking bastard,” she managed to choke out, crying harder and Yennefer quickly glanced in the back to make sure it hadn’t woken anyone else.  Her violet eyes swung back to Aevryn and then noticed the wires going to her ears connected to her phone and she snatched it up, her stomach dropping when she saw what her friend was listening to.

“Aevryn, why?” she demanded, disappointment and anguish thick in her voice.  “Why would you do this to yourself?”

“He asked me to listen to it,” she sobbed.  “It was for me.  The whole damned thing!”

“Aev, I think you need to pull over,” Yennefer urged, anxiously eyeing the sign for the next turn off.

Aevryn nodded and did as she was asked, barely able to see through her tears.  As soon as Roach was stopped, she jumped out, walking swiftly away, though not as if she knew where to.  “Aev!” Yennefer called after her, circling the van to chase after her.

At the slam of the van door Geralt sat up abruptly as the others stirred groggily.

“What was that?  Why are we stopped?” Jaskier asked, looking around, the feeling that something wasn’t right gripping him, waking him faster.  “What’s going on?”

“I don’t know,” Geralt answered, worriedly watching Yennefer take off after Aevryn.

—

“Aevryn!”  Yennefer finally caught up to her friend and grabbed her arm, stopping her in her tracks.  “Talk to me, please,” she begged.  She’d never seen Aev look so lost.

Wiping her jacket sleeve across her damp face, Aevryn sniffled, trying to calm her breaths.  “I knew you’d tell me not to listen to it, but… but I did.  I couldn’t help it.  I had to know why he wanted me to hear it so badly.  And I know now.  It was for me.  It was his apology.  The whole fucking thing.  He even released it on my fucking birthday.”

Yennefer gaped at her, unsure how to respond.  If what she said was true… well, it certainly sounded exactly like something Valdo would do; he was nothing if not that extra.

“Just… just listen to the last song,” Aevryn exclaimed, holding out her phone.  Wordlessly Yen took it and put the earbuds in her ears.

It felt like an eternity elapsed as Aev waited, Yennefer’s face an unreadable mask as she listened.  When it was done Yennefer took a deep breath and pulled the headphones from her ears.

“I must admit he certainly has gone to lengths to get his point across.”

“I still love him, Yen,” Aevryn said softly.

“I know,” Yennefer replied simply, holding her arms out.

With a soft sob Aev surged forward and Yennefer wrapped her arms around her, letting her cry against her chest, her fingers combing through her friend’s messy hair til she was all cried out.

“I want to make it work,” she said thickly through the remnants of her tears.  “I want to give him a second chance.”

“I know,” Yennefer murmured soothingly, her heart twisting with hope and fear for her friend.  She knew all she could do now was support her in her decision.

“I’m so sorry Yen,” she exclaimed, tears running down her cheeks once more.  “I don’t want us to fight anymore.  I want you to look after me.”

“I will always look after you.  You know that.”  Yen’s voice shook as her arms tightened around Aevryn.  That was how Geralt found them and Yennefer raised her eyes meeting his silent gaze as she gave Aev one last squeeze before stepping back.

“I need to call him,” Aevryn murmured absently, glancing over her shoulder to throw an imploring look at Geralt before directing it at Yennefer, who knew what she was asking of them wordlessly.

“Don’t worry about the others,” Yennefer said, smoothing Aevryn’s hair with her hands.  “We’ll be waiting at the van.”

With a nod Aev watched Yennefer and Geralt head back and she waited for them to pass out of sight before pulling her phone out.  Despite the hour she had a feeling that Valdo was waiting for her call and sure enough the phone only rang once before he answered.

“Hey.”

“Hey,” Aev whispered, her voice trembling.  “I listened to it.”

“Yeah?”  Valdo asked, the hope in his tone unmistakable.

“Yeah.  You fucking asshole, you could have warned me,” she exclaimed, though there was no heat in it.  “Did you mean it -- everything you said in there?  You’re being absolutely serious?”

“Serious as a heart attack, babe.”

“Please don’t joke right now, Valdo.”

“I’m not.”  She could hear him breathe, a shaky sound that rattled her own chest.  “Can I see you?”

“Yeah.  I’d like that,” Aev answered, a small smile tugging at her lips.

—

“Yen, Geralt, what the fuck is going on?  Is Aev okay?”  Jaskier demanded as his bandmates walked side by side back to Roach.  You and Win were both out of the van as well, worry gripping you as Jaskier’s tension bled into you.  

“She’s alright,” Yennefer answered as Geralt clapped a hand to Jaskier’s shoulder as he passed.

“But-but what’s going on?” he asked, the helplessness in his voice twisting your heart.

The sigh that left Yennefer’s lungs was heavy with the secrets she couldn’t yet tell him.  For it truly wasn’t her place to tell Jaskier, though she also didn’t like keeping him in the dark.  Beside Valdo he was Aevryn’s oldest friend.

“She listened to something that made her a little emotional and I didn’t want her to crash the van because she was crying.”  

It technically wasn’t a lie.

“What did she--?” Jaskier cut off before finishing his question, his lips twitching into a frown.  “Aevryn…” he grumbled, something akin to exasperation creeping into his voice as he closed his eyes.

Just then she walked back to the van, stopping next to Yennefer, looking rather small.  “I’m okay now.  I’m sorry for worrying everyone,” she said softly, not quite meeting Jaskier’s gaze before climbing back into the van.

“Jask?” you asked, slipping your hand in his as you looked up at him.

He watched his friend, worrying his lip, clear blue eyes cloudy with worry and hurt.  “If what I think is happening, I’ll kill him.”

[torturedwarrior]

My Story Dealing with Mental Illnesses:

When I was 14 years old I began to lose family members and my dog who was my best friend and I kept losing people and my animals. I felt like my life was in chaos and I picked up a knife and started cutting myself to see if I can still feel because I felt empty and numb. My mom took me to see a therapist and at first I did not open up because I did not want to burden anyone with my problems and also I did not know this person. slowly but surely I started talking and was then diagnosed with Depression and was put on meds. With this Depression I felt Hopeless, I noticed I lost interest in what I once enjoyed, I felt fatigue and had trouble sleeping, began feeling anxious a lot, and my eating habits changed; loss of appetite, I had uncontrollable emotions and had a hard time controlling them, and I even thought about suicide. When I was 14 to 15 years old I actually attempted suicide and was then committed to a mental health hospital as an out-patient and it was okay and I learned a lot when I was there. Then the next year I tried again and this time I was committed as an in-patient for a week and a half; which I did not like but I meet nice people who where in there too which made it bearable. I bounced around from therapist to therapist because either they left and I got a therapist who made me feel worse or I did not like. I am 24 years old and Am diagnosed with Depression, Anxiety, PTSD, OCD, and Bipolar 1. It is difficult managing all of these mental illnesses, I feel tired all the time, I have no energy most days and it affects my mood and family as well as my Fiancé.  Major Depression is a mood disorder that affects the way you feel about life in general. having a hopeless or helpless outlook on your life is the most common symptom. Other feelings may be worthlessness, self-hate, or inappropriate guilt. you have recurring thoughts of depression which is vocalized as "It's all my fault", or "What's the point". Anxiety is a worry about future events, and fear is a reaction to current events. These feelings may cause physical symptoms, such as a fast heart rate and shakiness. For me having anxiety is a struggle, I feel tingles in my face and body, I can feel my heart beat fast like a million miles, begin to hyperventilate and my chest starts to feel tight like someone is sitting on my chest and wont get up. PTSD is no fun either, I had a traumatizing event happen not once but twice that caused my PTSD and also a traumatizing event when I was nine that still haunts me till this day as well as my other events. My dad was a drunk and there were times I thought he was dead then one day he was wasted and he sat down next to me and started to tell me what happened when he was in the Navy and what he witnessed and what he had to do and it was not something you should tell a nine year old and the worse part is he does not remember telling me. PTSD is a condition of persistent mental and emotional stress occurring as a result of injury, or severe psychological shock, typically involving disturbance of sleep and constant vivid recall of the experience, with dulled responses to others and to the outside world. sometimes I have repeated involuntary memories of the events, distressing dreams; or flashbacks, I have negative thoughts and feelings like "No one can be trusted" or "I am bad", "It is my fault". I feel irritable and angry outbursts and being self-destructive. OCD is a brain and behavior disorder that is categorized as an anxiety disorder in the DSM-IV. It causes severe anxiety in those affected and involves both obsessions and compulsions that interfere with daily life. Having persistent thoughts, Ideas, impulses, or images that are experienced as intrusive and inappropriate and cause marked anxiety or even distress. With OCD I noticed that I have to look at the clock multiple times a day or I freak out, I have to do things a certain way or I freak out, and have to put my socks on a certain way or it does not feel right. Lastly Bipolar 1 Disorder; a person who is affected by bipolar 1 has had at leas one manic episode in his or her life. A manic episode is a period of abnormally elevated mood and high energy, accompanied by abnormal behavior that disrupts life. Manic episode can have a person feeling like "Feeling high" or as irritability. Sometimes I feel increased energy, with hyperactivity and a decreased need for sleep, need to have sex all the time and even substances abuse. Then I feel depressed which is known as a low episode. sometimes my manic episode lasts for a day then I feel depressed for a week or two. I feel loss of pleasure, low energy, and activity, feeling guilty, or worthlessness and sometimes even thought of suicide. The good thing is I am taking medication for all of my mental illnesses. I am currently taking Bupropion aka Wellbutrin 150 MG, Escitalopram 10 MG, Gabapentin 600 MG, and Olanzapine 10 MG. The meds I am taking are helping to manage my mental illnesses but I also use my coping skills that I have learned that also helps like journaling, writing poetry, blogs and listening to music. I have come a long way from a year ago. I was fighting with everyone about my treatment and I did not want to get better if I am being honest but then something clicked and I started thinking how I do not want to feel like being in chaos anymore and I started to put my coping skills to work and working hard to manage my moods. I have multiple journals for different ways to keep track of my diagnoses. Some days I still have a bad day but knowing that it will eventually pass helps me get through it. I have created a group on Facebook for people who suffer from mental illnesses who need a friend, need advice or help with coping and even just someone who needs to talk. I like helping others it makes me feel good about myself. I want to go back to school when I get my life and Mental Illnesses under control and become a therapist and help others who actually need help. Easier said then done though it will be a hard road but I know if I put my mind to it I will conquer anything as my mother would always tell me. It is a constant battle with yourself everyday to stay some kind of normal and not be in chaos.

Blackstar :)    

[thewritewolf]

Marinette March Day 30 - Breaking Point

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Adrien sees Ladybug and feels that something is wrong. 

@marinettemarch

Enjoy!

Read on Ao3

Adrien wasn’t sure why he looked outside his window at that moment. The bed was calling his name after such a long day and he wanted nothing more than to take a shower to wash out all the product they used during the hours long photoshoot. Then maybe change into some pajamas and answer the siren call of his bed. But that’s not what happened - he set his bag on the floor and looked outside, where the gleam of the full moon illuminated a familiar figure standing on a rooftop across the street from his window.

His heartbeat picked up like it always did when he saw her and before he knew it, he’d opened his window and was leaning out of it, openly gawking at her with a dopey grin on his face. Maybe it was the intensity of his stare that got her attention, or maybe it was the sound of his window opening, but regardless he could feel her piercing blue eyes on him, even if the shadows hide them from him.

The elation he felt at seeing her was dampened by gnawing doubt in the back of his head. Something didn’t feel right. Why would Ladybug be out tonight? This was one of the few days in the week where neither of them patrolled. Despite Adrien’s fervent hopes, there hadn’t been an akuma attack to save him from the photoshoot. His gut twisted in dread as his imagination ran wild. He waved, beckoning her to his window. He didn’t know what he could do as Adrien, but something told him that she needed someone right now.

“Hey, did you need something?” Her voice lacked its usual energy and confidence and that was far from the only thing he noticed. There were bags under her eyes, eyes which lacked their usual spark. The entire way she carried herself, even as she effortlessly stood on the thin edge of his windowsill, spoke of exhaustion, both physical and emotional.

“I…” He struggled to find the right words without coming off as weird or intrusive. After all, Chat Noir knew Ladybug as a close personal friend, but she didn’t know Adrien at all. “You just looked like you could use a friend is all.”

A flicker of a smile passed over her face. “You’re sweet, but I really should-”

“Would you like to come in?” He hated to interrupt her, but he knew that if he let her talk, she’d be gone before he knew it. The last thing he wanted was for her to be left alone to stew in whatever emotions were swirling around her head.

“I… don’t know.” Her eyes held hope, even if her words didn’t agree. “I don’t want to impose…”

He gave a shallow bow and gestured to his room. “Please! It would be my pleasure!”

Hesitantly, she swung past him and walked to the middle of the room. A faint smile barely tugged at the corner of her lips. “A nice place you’ve got here.”

“Thanks.” He rubbed the back of his neck nervously. He hadn’t planned this far ahead and his eyes roved around the room just as she slowly spun in place to take it all in. She was facing opposite the computer when he noticed his screensaver showing - a different picture of Ladybug for every monitor. This, more than anything, galvanized him and he rushed forward to put his hands on her shoulders. He gently guided her towards the couch. “Hey, do you like video games?” He asked, despite knowing full well the answer. “I’ve got the newest Mecha Strike, if you want to play.”

A genuine excited smile graced her features and Adrien felt the worry of a moment ago vanish like fog before the sun. “No way! Mecha Strike IV?! I thought it wasn’t out for another week!”

“For most people, yes. But I managed to get my hands on an advanced copy. There’s this girl in my class that I’ve been trying to get an edge over, you see…” He trailed off. It felt weird to be talking about other girls in front of his crush - especially if that other girl was Marinette.

Ladybug got a knowing look in her eye. “Oh really? Well I’d be happy to help you train then. From what I hear, she’s pretty good.”

“You know Marinette?” He racked his brain trying to think of a single instance where the two would’ve met, coming up with nothing.

“Duh! She won that tournament a little while back, didn’t she?”

It seems Marinette’s amazingness precedes her. Adrien smiled at the memory of playing at the Dupain-Cheng bakery. “Yeah, that she did.” He booted up the game on his console and went to the door. “I’m going to get some ice cream. You have a preference for flavor?”

“Strawberry,” she said to his complete lack of surprise. She was already choosing a character and entering into a match against the AI.

When he returned with a big bowl and two spoons, she was soundly beating her robotic enemy with hardly any health lost. His confidence was shaken, but then again, this is Ladybug. Of course she’d be awesome at it the moment she set her mind to it. He could only hope that his training had paid off…

-------------------------

After his sixth consecutive defeat, Adrien leaned back and groaned at the ceiling while Ladybug did a little victory dance on the couch. The ice cream and the apparently easy victories had made her feel better and although it came at the cost of his pride, he felt it was a worthy trade. While she was still reveling in her latest win, he bit his lower lip. Now or never…

“So, Ladybug?” She looked back at him with a mischievous sparkle in her eye and a cocky grin on her face. “How are you feeling? When I saw you out there, you seemed… sad, almost.”

Her grin faded away and Adrien felt like an absolute villain for doing that. “It wasn’t any one thing. I… I can’t really talk about it since, you know, secret identities and all, but… everything just hit all at once and I… I needed some air, I needed to get away from it all.” She looked down, her hands between her knees, looking as uncertain and vulnerable as he had ever seen her. Not since Stoneheart, at least.

He put an arm around her shoulder, surprising her. “You’re welcome to stay as long as you want. Even if you can’t tell me what’s bothering you, maybe I can help you forget about it for just a little bit.” Her smile returned and she took up her controller again.

“I’d like that.”

Adrien lost track of how long they were at it - they’d gotten bored with Mecha Strike at some point. After all, there are only so many times you can thrash someone and still have fun doing it. Another game passed by, but left no memories because for the entire time Adrien was too focused on the fact that despite the size of the couch, Ladybug was so close they were touching. At some point, she’d glanced at the clock and squeaked in shock when she noticed how late it was.

“Oh no! I really need to get home.” Adrien followed her to the window, where she stopped partway through stepping out of it. She narrowed her eyes in thought for a moment before turning back around. She rolled forward on her toes to reach him. “I had a really great time, Adrien. Thank you!”

And then she was gone and he mechanically went through the motions of getting ready for bed. His last thought before being swallowed by sleep was the feeling of her kiss on his cheek.

[scoutbert]

my birthday is on sunday 3/3

TW: non graphic mentions of suicide/depression/drug abuse.

i turn 20,, i have had an account here since 2013 (when i was 14) and therefore i have spent 6 years on this accursed site... i wonder if, like webkinz, there will be a day where i log in for the last time and forget about all the stuff that made me /feel/.

anyway yea its my birthday soon and i want to draw your attention cause some people who've been following me/been mutuals for years may vaguely recall my many close encounters with depression-related crises. i never thought i would live to see my 20th birthday. there was never a future i envisioned because i was so wrapped up, and obsessed with thinking, and fantasizing and rolling around in my own sticky angst that i burned bridges, or never even built some.

my teens were frought with mental health problems. ive been in and out of psychiatric inpatient hospitals at least 9 times, gone through several failed therapies and medications. ive had some (severely) traumatic events occur. ive struggled with addiction. and now, as i enter my 20s, i am coming to terms with healing, something i never even /considered/ as a viable option. for too long my automatic thought process was "well i can always just kill myself!" it was an excuse to avoid putting effort into improving myself, a 'plan b' if you will, for when things became challenging or too much.

but since i was kicked out of my abusive, unsupportive household and began my transition last year, things have begun to change. over the last 12 months, i have been forced to adjust to adult life very quickly. and at first it whipped my ass hard. i got a job but due to a pretty bad bender with alcohol i became depressed and quit. then i was unemployed for 6 months, living off the generosity of my partner's family. i am a prideful person, i do not like help, i am the one to OFFER help usually. the shame and pride i felt escalated into my drug abuse last year, and i tried LSD a lot. i had one experience that was amazing; it basically changed my life. more on that in a different post.

basically, i got a job again. and when the winter hit and my seasonal depression kicked in- hard- i made the first move to improve my mental health in *years.* i voluntarily admitted myself to inpatient. i was set up with a professional support system at last, got on meds (that actually fucking work?? you may recall my deep distrust of psychopharmacology) and started just. being more adult.

i filed my taxes for the first time, i am budgeting, taking care of my own transportation, food, clothing. i even planned a little mini vacation for anime boston. ive cut back immensely on the booze, cigarettes, weed and acid. i have outpatient support. i have a handsome wonderful partner and a plethora of wonderful people i surround myself with, and ive cut out all the people who don't add any value to my life/took value away from it.

im still getting my sea legs. there's always the chance i may fall down again. but this time i dont have my mother towering over me and ridiculing me for it. i have a whole network of supportive people there to reach out a hand to help me back up. and ive finally learned to value my own life. i always angsted over how horrible the world was, and how living isn't worth the pain because the pain seemed to outweigh any good things. and it's been REALLY hard changing that pattern of thinking, because it's so easy to believe it's true. but the truth really is that there is no pain versus pleasure. there is pain, and there is pleasure, and there is neutrality. but most importantly, there is my ability to decide HOW these things will affect ME, and my ability to CHOOSE how to respond. in therapy i learned there are thoughts, feelings, and actions. you can't always control your thoughts, and usually not your feelings, but you always have 100% control over how you act and what you say.

so now, im taking actions to affect how i feel, to change how i think. like actively recognizing and challenging intrusive or maladaptive thoughts, learning how to cope with strong emotions and memories, and controlling impulsive behaviors.

the freedom i feel is so refreshing at last. i may still be poor, i may still have no car and no place of my own, but what the hell is the rush? i have maybe 60+ years here. no one gets to tell me how i spend them but me!

happy birthday, me. i no longer dread my birthday, a sign of my impending slavery to society (entering the shitty American system of lower class people.) i am getting comfortable in my body and identity. im going to live and life isn't about what i think other people want, its about what i want, and what im going to do to get it.

so thank you if you've managed to read this far. thanks if you've been with me since the beginning, way back in 2013 when i made that post promising i would follow everyone on tumblr who reblogged it, when i got a little popular. thanks if you're the people who messaged me asking if i was okay or needed to talk; thank you, the people who called for help on me when i posted my suicide notes from high school; thank you to the people who sent me financial help when i was at my lowest and couldn't afford my medications. you all played a part in me coming to this point and i am grateful for you. merci beaucoup, mes amis. je vous aimez.

-scout 2/27/19