thespinningworldaroundus

[thespinningworldaroundus]

Why people give into fear

It’s easy to

Giving into fear is safe. Nothing bad will happen if you never take a risk. Nothing good will happen either.

If you never talk to that special someone, they’ll never reject you. You’ll also never get a chance with them.

If you never take a job that expects a lot from you and makes you nervous, you’re unlikely to get a bad performance review. You’ll also never feel accomplished.

If you never get in a car or a plane, you’ll never experience a serious vehicle or flight accident (unlikely but can happen). You’ll also never (literally) go anywhere.

[thespinningworldaroundus]

Men keep in sadness. Women keep in anger

Men are taught not to cry. This they are actually taught pretty explicitly sometimes. “Stop crying”, “boys don’t cry”.

Women are taught not to show anger. This happens when they are called “mean” or “scary”, when they lose their tempers, even rightfully. Even when it wouldn’t get a man in trouble. They are taught to “be sweet”. They are also taught not to be stubborn, argumentative, or too opinionated. These can be ways of telling someone not to show their true anger when they feel it.

Men-can show anger, but not sadness

Women-can show sadness, but not anger

Not always true but often true

Is this healthy?

[thespinningworldaroundus]

Practical ways to fight off depression

Yes. Depression is psychological, but don’t forget that mind and body are linked. Your mind influences your body-when you are depressed, you have less energy and don’t feel well, and are actually more likely to get sick. Your body influences your mind-when you do not feel physically well, your mind experiences stress and fatigue.

So, doing these practical things will lessen depression.

Some people think depression is spiritual. As a Christian I agree. However I also believe in being practical too-practical things have practical consequences on things like our mood and well-being.

So, here are tips from hard-won experience:

1) Consume protein, including protein powder if needed. Protein gives you energy, and I actually read low levels affect depression.

I started including protein powder in my daily routine and actually felt much better. I had less bouts of tiredness and moodiness.

2) Consume small amounts of sugar, like having hot cocoa for breakfast.

Sugar gives you energy and regulates blood sugar. My mother was hypoglycemic and we always had to stop and buy snacks when we did errands so she wouldn’t get tired and cranky.

I know we’re told to avoid sugary food these days, but that’s to avoid a sugar rush. Low sugar is bad for you too!

3) Caffeine. More energy, see sugar no. 2.

4) Wake up early. Early to bed early to rise makes you healthy wealthy and wise.

When you sleep in, you stay tired and low energy can make you moody. When you wake up early you stay energized.

5) Go to sleep early. Read no. 3

6) Clean your room. A messy room makes your head feel chaotic. It also adds the stress of taking time to find things.

7) Eat whole grains and vegetables. I know this is advice we all know, but it’s not just about avoiding health problems like heart disease when you’re old. You will physically feel better.

Every single day I ate oatmeal from whole oats, I felt better. I had more energy and actually felt more clear headed.

Many people in the US these days are nutrient starved because we eat over-processed foods with little nutritional value. You will feel the effect of low nutrients as they are vital.

8) Have a pleasantly scented room spray. It’s an instant mood booster.

[thespinningworldaroundus]

Nice people don’t finish last...people pleasers do

I know it’s truly believed by some people that being nice won’t get you everywhere you really want to go in life. For that you have to be a little mean. You won’t be a career success, and you won’t win over the beautiful woman.

Our business professor told us this (he’s also not a man I particularly admired, but that’s another story). He told us many times, “nice guys don’t run companies, a**hole guys do”.

There’s the very old saying that nice guys finish last.

That’s not who finishes last.

I’m pragmatic and realistic and know how the world actually works.

Nice people do fine. The people who don’t go anywhere are the people who people please.

We all know the signs of a people pleaser. They constantly apologize. They always want to do what will make someone else happy. They always ask for other people’s approval and input-at the expense of what they think.

Yes, those people don’t succeed. That’s what’s confused with “nice”.

Nice has nothing to do with being a people pleaser. Nice is having good intentions. I see nothing wrong with good intentions.

By the way the first inspiration for this didn’t start with me. It started with my favorite dating coach, Evan Marc Katz.

From this post:

“Dear Evan,

I’m what you’d call a “nice guy.” I make a good living, I’m pretty attractive, and I treat women well. In fact, all of my female friends comment on what a great catch I am. But then I see those same women dating jerks. Yet they would never consider going out with me! So what do you think? Am I cursed to be alone just because I know how to be kind to women? Isn’t being nice a good quality? What’s wrong with women these days? Please let me know.

Jason

Men reading this might empathize with Jason. Women reading this may feel bad for him, yet also want to him to know that it’s not BECAUSE he’s nice that he’s not attracting women. It’s because he’s doesn’t have masculine energy. It’s because he constantly seeks the approval of others. It’s because he’s not sexually aggressive. It’s because he sacrifices his personal power to be conciliatory. These are common attributes of nice guys, yet nice guys think that women don’t like nice guys BECAUSE they’re nice.

Not true. Women want nice guys — nice guys with opinions who stand up for themselves and know how to take control.

[thespinningworldaroundus]

As a woman, you don’t need to hesitate when...

1) Giving an outspoken, strong opinion

2) Disagreeing strongly with someone

3) Saying something difficult to hear but necessary

4) Confronting someone

5) Asking for something

6) Telling someone to do something directly when in a position of authority

I do at times see women hesitate to do these things. Now, there is always the factor that confrontation is hard for some people. Yet I also see that at play is the factor that people sometimes will react too strongly when a woman speaks in an outspoken and fairly assertive way, which leads to women then feeling hesitant to at times if they’ve ever been discouraged from it.

Don’t ever apologize, you have a right to speak up and you’re entitled to your opinion

[thespinningworldaroundus]

What some “effort” grades and extra second chances can really mean

They can not only be ineffective, they indicate something else

When I was in middle school, you got extra points for effort.

In middle school, we also didn’t have “F”s, we had U’s for unsatisfactory. I assume because failure was a word that would hurt someone’s feelings.

In high school, our report card said “appears to be putting worth excellent effort”, “appears to be putting worth expected effort”. It was a highlight of the report card. We got letter grades, but we got participation grades too!

In college, our professor let failing students retake a test that many students succeeded in but some failed. I bring up that some found success, so this test was not impossible or even highly challenging.

At heart, I think effort grades are sometimes well-intended but sometimes based on a flawed and condescending belief. The implication that someone can’t achieve results.

If I have full confidence you can run an 8 minute mile if you work hard enough, then will I need to say, “you tried”? No! It’s shown by what you do. What you do speaks for itself.

Remember Yoda. “Do, don’t try. There is no try.”

Sometimes people really can’t achieve some things because of setbacks they can’t control. A disabled student can’t write an essay, but a few sentences they can. They should be given credit for effort.

Yet the answer “I can tell he tried” can carry the assumption that someone can’t actually achieve something. Does that give kids confidence?

I actually think this is a big reason companies give performance reviews based on results. They assume if someone is underperforming it is due to a lack of effort or carelessness. Or maybe the job isn’t a good for the position.

Next, the practical problems with effort grades and not letting someone fail:

1) It teaches kids that failure is bad. The message I got in middle school when F’s weren’t allowed, only U’s, was that a failing (or unsatisfactory) grade was a big black mark, even unforgivable. It’s not. Actually, you can fail a class and get a B next year with the right attitude. It’s not a sign of a character flaw. To me, not letting people ever sends the message that failure isn’t an option. Which affects how kids respond when they are dealt it.

Failure, and not achieving something, is a part of life. Does a second grader write a sentence with perfect spelling? Does a rookie at a job know the ropes when they start out? Does an unathletic kid starting out in sports play clumsily when they start? Do people on first dates say awkward things? Do people with Asperger’s syndrome say socially awkward things? Of course!

Yet kids can have the unconscious belief that failure, or at least blunders, are always bad. Nothing could be farther from the truth. I have had good friends get fired from a first job, or be given a talk by a manager. They were all decent people. They were simply human, and getting fired is not the end of the world.

2) It’s ineffective for getting things done. In the real world, results are needed. Practicality demands it.

Effort and good intentions won’t save the life of someone having a heart attack, debug a haywire computer, win a war, or build a home. Competence and ability will do that.

Want to see an example? There was a man with at an office I worked at with declining vision. He was bright, capable, and well-meaning. Yet his vision kept him from being able to do the work properly for his clients. He was still asked to quit. Why?

Practicality and a need for results. The needs of the clients. Even if that man had good intentions, the job wasn’t suited for him.

I actually think over-used effort grades can breed laziness for these reasons.

3) In the real world, people who make poor choices always meet failure

I know I said failure is an inevitable part of life. Sometimes though it is a direct result of poor choices. Failure in this case is a good teacher

4) Making mistakes and blunders teaches you what not to do

You learned to ride a bike without training wheels by falling off the bike. You didn’t get on that bike knowing how to ride it. You definitely didn’t do it your first time.

5) It’s can even be insulting to say someone can’t receive criticism because their feelings will be hurt. They can take it.

[thespinningworldaroundus]

Why men don’t hear “no” when a woman says it

Men don’t always hear “no” the first time a woman says it. This is for requests for a date, a kiss, or more. Does that surprise you?

How can you not hear someone the first time they say no? Especially when this involves time and comfort, in the case of a date, and physical boundaries and comfort, in the case of physical contact. At the extreme this becomes rape.

Yet it happens often. We hear about the controversy it causes, a freshman college orientation will include it, including a stern warning to young men on “it’s yes every time”, and maybe a “can I wear your hat?” video.

So, why?

It’s because men have been trained to not take women as seriously, and even dehumanize them. Want to see this in action?

What happens when the footage of a half-naked woman is used to sell a good number of products? When you’re inundated with dumb blonde jokes, and over-used words like ditz, b*tch, bimbo, what happens? When men are taught women are crazy, irrational, and dumb, what will they start to think? When you hear men use a lot of wife jokes as a pastime?

You’ll see someone as different, an other, less deserving of respect and of less worth. Mind you, this is mostly unconscious. You are unlikely to hear a man say, “I think women deserve less respect.” Yet that’s what happens.

[thespinningworldaroundus]

Is it really a surprise that women are treated differently?

The greatest obstacle in fighting sexism is not in getting men to agree, in theory, that women should be treated equally. It’s getting them to own up to the fact that sexism exists in an important way.

This can be true for women but is much less true for women for two reasons:

1) Men don’t pay a heavy price for denial. They can afford denial, as sexism is unlikely to hit them personally.

2) Men haven’t experienced it personally, so they haven’t seen at firsthand as much. This is especially true because sexism is usually subtle. It’s generally not literal and obvious.

We don’t like to acknowledge this hard truth. I’ll point to the undeniable signs its out there:

1) Ever heard men casually refer to their wife as “the wife”? The wife? How can a person be a “the”? That’s what you call an object. My boss once started a meeting complaining about how “the wife” said “na na na at home” and won their argument.

2) Ever heard how often men roll their eyes when their wives are brought up? It’s more than what’s warranted for the amount of trouble they actually face in marriage. Women face marital troubles too, and you don’t hear them complain nearly as much. It’s become a pastime with a lot of men, to complain about their wives.

3) Ever notice how overused the word “b*tch” really is? I am personally desensitized to it.

There is a male equivalent (starts with an a), but it’s used less.

4) Notice how the most told joke about someone dumb is a “dumb blonde” joke. It’s about a woman, not a man even though anywhere else it’s men who are more represented. You would expect that to apply to jokes, that more jokes would be about men too. Yet the most famous joke about being dumb is about women.

5) Same as above for yo mama. “Yo dad” is something you’ve never heard. Probably because you know what would happen if Dad got home and heard something like that. Dad also sometimes gets more respect at home.

6) Notice how many songs on the radio talk about violence, and how often the violence is against women?

7) Ever heard the terms “pussy, b*tch, c*nt, sissy, son of a b*tch, ditz, boob (referring to an idiot), etc

8) The most offensive word in the English language is about a woman. C*nt.

[thespinningworldaroundus]

A day in the life of a business executive with his life turned upside down by one thing....

I am a VP of Operations. I have twenty years of experience under my belt in my industry, and people use me as a resource at my company. I have an earned reputation and my voice is taken seriously at meetings. I go to them and usually command respect with my colleagues.

I have a meeting today. I’m pitching an idea that my colleagues have praised privately. It’s well-researched and I expect it to be given a fair shake.

I walk in and lay everything out. I begin to.

During my introduction, I’m interrupted. During my introduction, for a presentation only being given by me. During the introduction. I was barely even there! They didn’t even let me make my case before giving their own comments, before they even know what the blessed message of the presentation is. Why interrupt when you don’t even understand the proposal yet?

I politely told the interrupter that I would get to his question once the presentation is over.

Midway through the proposal, I’m interrupted again. Again, I wasn’t even done. This time, it was to make a trivial correction.

I had said that the population of Puerto Rico was roughly 3 million people. My colleague, a Puerto Rican native himself, pointed out that the population was actually about 3.4 million. I didn’t find that very important, and it was a minor fact anyway. I had said roughly, anyway. Did he really have to interrupt me and make me look incompetent over a trivial misstatement? Do we have to be so perfectionistic?

As general etiquette, you don’t interrupt someone’s proposal because it takes away from their message and disrupts their train of thought. You generally save comments for the end, unless there is some urgent matter, like a safety hazard. I had never been interrupted before during a proposal for anything like this. Yet it one day it happened to me twice.

Now. For the end. I humbly expected some decent praise at the least. My colleagues had been privately cheering this proposal on for a while.

Yet. The first things I got were nitpicky questions and skepticism. A lot of what-if scenarios that supposedly might ruin the project, even some easily resolved. Some additional corrections on small facts (similar in triviality to a small difference in the population of Puerto Rico) and small misspoken statements I made.

I got modest praise. My colleagues told me they liked some aspects, but some they were unsure on. I also met a good deal of apathy. Yet these were the exact same people who had told me a few days before that the proposal was close to perfect, a gem. How had they had a night and day response today? Were they cranky from the early morning start? Was there bad news last night?

This was an internal meeting, so we all had rapport. I could speak directly in front of my colleagues. Or so I thought.

“Just a few days ago, I told many of you these same ideas and you seemed assured. Yet today some of you seem skeptical on some of this. I’m only curious. Has anything changed in our company? In our industry?”

“No.”

“Then why do you seem to have new-founded skepticism? I can accept skepticism, I just wonder why you seem to view this differently.” I was starting to get impatient.

“This is how we feel.”

I was dumbfounded. The same proposal got fairly different responses.

At the end of the meeting, I was spoken to privately by my colleagues. I was reprimanded harshly for my tone. I didn’t know why.

“Just a few days ago, I told many of you these same ideas and you seemed assured. Yet today some of you seem skeptical on some of this. I’m only curious. Has anything changed in our company? In our industry?”

That was what I said. I wasn’t trying to be defensive. I was trying to be honest. I accept constructive criticism. I don’t expect ego-gratification or acceptance of all my ideas. I understand that every business proposal will have some flaws to be smoothed over. I thought that maybe something really had changed, since I heard criticism I didn’t hear before and much less of the praise I did hear before.

My colleague said my response seemed very defensive and even sarcastic. He also said that I had been brusque or impatient at times during the presentation. He said it was an overall pattern in the way I talked and not something I did occasionally. He told me I should never show anger, even in internal meetings where I knew everyone well.

This time and I genuinely got angry. I think showing rightful anger at the right times shouldn’t just be allowed, it should be encouraged. Anger shows you care. Anger shows you are passionate. Anger shows you are righting a wrong. If my anger is justified, I’ll show enough of it.

How can you tell me I’m not allowed to show people my anger when I’m truly upset and need to make my message clear? Why was I being spoken down to and told what to do? How dare you take away my right to express myself? I was an adult.

At the end of the day. I found out that my proposal was turned down. The team told me it was pretty good, but not worth the budgeted amount it would need, which was modest anyway. I was flabbergasted and heartbroken because just a few days ago I was told it was an almost certain winner and that our company could afford things that were cost-savers in the long run (mine was pitched as such).

Something was deeply wrong. What was it? Was our industry changing? Was our company hit with bad news I never heard?

Or did it have to do with me? That would seem more logical. Did someone spread a nasty rumor about me?

I went home, crying. I looked in the mirror.

Something had changed. I had long hair. I had thick eyelashes. I had high cheekbones. I had no facial hair. I had a very different body shape and was much more petite.

I was a woman.

It hurt, but at least it all made sense. Something had changed, and it had everything to do with me.

I thought about my wife. She was an avid supporter of women’s equality. I always supported her cause in theory but thought it was silly and exaggerated.

Women were allowed to work, vote, drive, and speak their minds. We were in a very different decade. It’s illegal to discriminate based on gender, and you’ll get sued for a lot of money if you get caught doing it. Women have been CEOs, and they serve as Prime Ministers in some nations. Why do we need some silly women’s equality movement when we’re fighting in wars and we have poverty in the developing world? Isn’t it kind of trivial to spend so much time on a small issue?

Oh, how painfully wrong I was. No, we shouldn’t devote too many resources to any small issue. This was an enormous issue. It keeps women from earning money, reputation, and success. It keeps them from speaking their minds and even sometimes being treated with decency and respect. All things that you need to be happy and will suffer from depression if you don’t get enough of.

Yet I blew this issue away for years. Even though my wife, mother, sister, and female colleagues talked about these issues. I gullibly believed these issues were minor. How painfully wrong I was. Why didn’t I see it sooner?

I was in denial. An easy answer to a painful reality is to truly convince yourself it doesn’t exist. People used to do that with smoking. People truly believed it had no health hazards. No one debates anymore (although some people still smoke anyway).

I had privilege I never lost until today. When you have the privilege of not suffering something because it will never affect you personally, it’s very issue to be in denial and do nothing because you personally have no price to pay for it.

This prejudice was also subtle. No one would outright say that women should be treated differently or be discriminated against. Almost no one would say that they don’t belong in the workplace, unless maybe they have young children who need to be taken care of at home. People don’t mind 45-year old women working.

It’s still powerfully, painfully real. People have strong prejudice that is been absolutely proven through research.

Once a male resume editor switched emails with a female colleague with the same job and was suddenly questioned by his clients (the people seeking advice from him mind you. As an editor he was supposed to give them advice and critiquing, generally not the other way around). Look up Martin Schneider and Nicole Hallberg.

You know the last thing keeping me from confronting this hard truth? It was a myth in our culture.

This myth I call the three bigs. “Hard work, talent, and opportunity will earn you whatever you want. You can be President if most qualified”

We instinctively believe this. We’re told you can achieve anything you dream if you want it badly enough. Sorry, sir, or ma’am, you can’t with only that.

It needs the four bigs. “Hard work, talent, opportunity, and recognition of others”

The frustrating thing is that there is nothing you can do about how people react to you. You cannot force them to give you recognition. We are 100% dependent on other people for this.

1) A trial prosecutor can have a guilty defendant and absolute proof, yet if the jury does not take the delivery seriously, the prosecution will lose.

2) Even worse, an innocent defendant can be accused of murder and have little evidence against oneself, yet be condemned of murder and executed anyway. This will happen if the jury has severe prejudice-which has happened.

3) A business executive can give a near-perfect proposal and have it turned down, if the presenter does not have the audiences respect.

Sad? Pretty hard luck, huh? That’s the world we live in.

Trial lawyers have lost cases they should have won on based on case merit. People have been given the death penalty wrongfully because of societal prejudice (this happened to African Americans in the Deep South). Business executives have lost good deals because of audience bias.

That’s probably why we are often in denial of these difficult truths. We avoid them because they are difficult to think about! This is especially true of men, since they do not carry the burden of most sexism and do not pay a personal price for ignoring it. If you Google the polls taken of whether sexism is a serious issue and how often sexual harassment happens, you get pretty different responses from men and women.

The very good news is that we can actually-surprisingly-achieve real equality. I think we can in a generation. We need the willpower.

How? Once people are consciously aware of unconscious bias, it mostly goes away. Know your own self.

I know this from my own experience. I used to have a prejudice I’m not proud of against working class people.

I realized I often didn’t treat cashiers, receptionists, and shelf stockers at stores with a lot of respect. It was an unfortunate product of being taught that such jobs were only for young people and that working hard always led to middle class jobs. So sometimes I was brusque and impatient with people in these jobs. I didn’t really engage them when they tried to speak with me and would often talk at them not to them.

Yet one day I realized I was when I read Nickel and Dimed, a book about a woman who lived working class and discovered the treatment she never got as a respected journalist.

I stopped talking to people in retail and other working class jobs the way I used to. I was courteous to them and answered questions when they asked me them. I always listened to them instead of sometimes talking over them. I noticed that store staff suddenly warmed up to me and gave me better service! It was incredible. It proves I could do it. It only took willpower.

All I had to do was confront a difficult and sometimes ugly truth.

We can all do this.

[thespinningworldaroundus]

Why women use upspeak-and shouldn’t

Upspeak is when a woman uses an upward tone at the end of a sentence, making it sound like a question instead of a definitive statement. Like as follows.

“The door is over there-rah.”-upward tone

“The door is over there.” Sounds like a statement.

there-rah with an upward tone sounds like

“The door is over there?”

So, why do women do it?

My experience tells me it’s because they don’t want to be intimidating. After all, what tends to happen when women are direct?

It’s seen as bossy, too assertive, intimidating. I think somewhat often unfair too.

So, women will not make definitive statements.

How can that work in the working world?

Decisions have to be made. Things have to be done definitively. People need clear answers. Vagueness confuses people.

No more upspeak!

Don’t do this:

1) Ending a sentence with upspeak, if it’s not really a question.

2) Saying “I’m pretty sure” You’re sure, or, if you don’t have a definitive answer, tell them where to get a definitive answer. Can you imagine giving someone an “I’m pretty sure” answer if they were about to approach an intersection and needed to know if the light was red? That’s a life and death yes or no. An uncertain answer could actually kill someone.

3) Saying “I think” if it’s not an opinion but a matter of facts.

“I think our schedule ends at 2pm today.” It does, or it doesn’t. Say “Our schedule ends at 2pm today”

“I think 2+2 =4”. That’s not an opinion, so don’t say I think. Say “2+2=4”.

4) Same as above for “I guess”.

5) Over-using words like “um” “uh” “so” “maybe”.

6) “Sorry, but” for giving a strong statement if no apology is needed. You don’t have to be “sorry” for disagreeing with someone, or having a strong opinion. You’re entitled to speak your mind. Apologies are for when you’ve actually done something wrong.

[thespinningworldaroundus]

My first and in no way last lesson on boys will be boys

I was in grade school at recess. We had a no-picking-up-sticks rule. We also had standing on the wall for broken rules.

I picked up a hand size stick to carve out a snowball, no one was around. I was swiftly sent to the infamous wall for five minutes.

Two months later someone picked up a three foot long stick and actually pointed it at someone. He was told to put it down. Nothing else. No wall, nothing else but a no.

I was furious and just knew something wasn’t right. Why was that same recess aides react so different. Why didn’t she do anything to him? Was this some kind of favoritism?

Why didn’t she do anything to him?

He was a boy!

It was classic “boys will be boys”. A boy getting a small slap on wrist-or not much of anything-for breaking a rule.

(It’s usually not said, and I don’t think most people realize this, but it’s true in many cases where a girl would get in trouble for the same thing)

It turns into men will be men.

I was an hour late to work because the rental car company took too long. I was given negative feedback to our partner. My male colleague is late to work by at least an hour and not much is said!

A man can tell a course joke that would be seen as poor taste if I said

Men may break some important workplace rules-and not be disciplined for it

Men are not judged, even when in fairness sometimes what they did would warrant judgment on their actions.

I believe that applying a rule to some people but not others creates disrespect for the rules and disrespect for authority. Why is there a rule if some people are allowed to break it?

Men need to stop being allowed to “be boys”-as we define that, not really by how boys actually are. Much of the time I actually think this is saying “be fools”.

[thespinningworldaroundus]

Calling women b*****s when they aren’t

You probably know that word

When you hear a word abused enough times, it loses it’s meaning. Growing up I was completely desensitized to the word b**ch. I so often heard it thrown around that I more often than not I assumed the offender wasn’t really one, it was just a dumb weapon used against someone someone didn’t like.

I often assumed it happened not because someone was really a nasty woman but because a woman came across in a way people didn’t personally like.

Why are we so quick to say it then?

First it’s a disrespect for women. Of course there is a male equivalent I know we’ve all heard, yet it’s not abused in the same way. When I’ve heard it used, it tends to be because the man really was nasty, even if we don’t like that language. So it happens to women not men.

Second it happens because we are too harsh with women on their tones. So often I’ve heard a woman get in trouble for saying something a man wouldn’t. How is that right?

If a man can say it, why can’t a woman? I think a woman should be allowed to say anything a man can say. Otherwise we lose respect when people use etiquette rules.

“Ain’t I a woman?”

[thespinningworldaroundus]

As a woman I have to be outspoken just as a man can be, it can’t be otherwise

Have you noticed that things like “bossy”, “harsh”, “rude”, “too opinionated”, etc, get unfairly applied to women, but are rarely unfairly applied to men? If a man is ever called these things, usually there is a good reason why. However I think this stuff gets unfairly used at women a lot. Why?

I think it can really be about silencing someone, and a lack of respect. Think about it. Sometimes it would be nice to not have to listen to people. It takes patience. It’s something you might not really feel like doing sometimes. I used to wish I did not have to listen to my parents, or my teachers, or anyone who didn’t think like me. I still had to do it anyway.

See, an easy thing to do in those situations, can be to try to end the conversation. Especially when they bring up a difficult conversation, one that’s less pleasant. Those are the situations where someone might get called too opinionated or outspoken for bringing something up. Yet I think these difficult conversations are needed. We have to have hard conversations. That means listening to things that aren’t easy to listen to.

If you don’t want to listen to someone, a way of ending the conversation can be to call the person rude, pushy, or difficult. It’s effective because it puts guilt on the person, and makes them stop talking because they feel embarrassed and guilty.

Sometimes, I think things have to be said, decisively, forcefully, directly, without apology. A drivers ed teacher has to say, “the light is turning red, you need to stop”. A boss has to enforce the rules when a co-worker has broken them, and say no. It can’t be any other way. I have to say it, whether it’s easy to hear or not.

[thespinningworldaroundus]

The subtle, but very damaging, caricature

What do you think of when you think of “welfare” (which, by the way, is public assistance)?

The feelings we get when we think about something tell us what our real motives are. Remember that people can have stances on issues for very different reasons. Lastly remember that we have a lot of our own intentions that we no nothing of (it’s called unconscious).

Listen to people in your everyday life to find out the heart of their beliefs about an issue. Also, listen to pundits, which I’ll get to. 

The first time I heard welfare brought up, it was by my Driver’s Ed teacher, who was taking about it in a very plain-spoken way. He’s a very smart man, by the way.

He told me that, not only were there a lot of people who took advantage of public assistance, and even some have been on it their whole lives, but that there were some people who had kids do they could be enrolled.

“Really?” I was incredulous.

Next was when my co-workers brought it up, and the seeming knee-jerk reactions I heard were this:

“Better yourself”

“You need to make sure you go to beauty school, or college, to make sure you don’t have to keep going on it”

Then there was my other co-worker who told me that there were people who needed to “get off their butts”.

It was the Facebook meme about drug testing people on welfare since “people who work get drug tests, so people who don’t work should too” (do you realize what you just said? You realized that, at face value, what you said is that people on welfare don’t work. Do you think that’s even usually true? Sorry to burst your bubble)

Lastly, was the guy who said “I live in downtown Albany and I see all the people on welfare.”

Then there was the friend who talked about “girls who fool around with guys on welfare”.

Then there was the tax return client who complained about his earnings going to “people on welfare”.

There is the literal, then the subtle but powerful. 

Is saying there are people on welfare who abuse the system wrong, at face value? Of course not. It’s in how we do it- and the reasons why.

We made being on welfare a shameful thing. If you listen to the tone of the conversation, you’ll hear it.

There was Ronald Reagan, who came forward with “There’s a woman in Chicago. She has 80 names, 30 addresses, 12 Social Security cards… She’s got Medicaid, getting food stamps, and she is collecting welfare under each of her names. Her tax-free cash income alone is over $150,000.”

He used the term “welfare queens” over and over again.

There was Republican candidate Newt Gingrich, who said “Really poor children in really poor neighborhoods have no habits for working and have nobody around them who works. So they literally have no habit of showing up on Monday. So they literally have no habit of showing up on Monday. They have no habit of staying all day. They have no habit of 'I do this and you give me cash,' unless it's illegal." 

I’m not the only ones who’s noticed. A Republican (Lindsey Graham), and an honest one, felt the need to say this:

“Most people on public assistance don’t have a character flaw. They just have a tough life. I want to create more jobs and the focus should be on how to create more jobs, not demonize those who find themselves in hard times.”

Even he can tell something is going on.

There was Will McAvoy, who said that to be a Republican these days, you have to think poor people are “getting a sweet ride”. At 1:08 here.

There was the documentary White Like Me about racism, where you heard Time Wise talk about the view of welfare recipients as “undeserving, not really working hard, not trying to support themselves” in the words of a UCLA professor, or, in Tim’s more blunt words, “undesirable, undeserving others”. (Find here at, 46:29, and 48:44, respectively).

Be ready to confront a difficult truth.

While conservatives had every right to go after abuse of welfare (I won’t kid you, yes, of course it happens), there was something else at play, something very destructive.

[thespinningworldaroundus]

Hiding behind a wall

I believe many people hide behind walls because they are afraid of who they really are. It’s why people buy expensive cars and houses they don’t really need. It’s why people will put themselves in groups. This is who you talk to, this is who you don’t. They’re afraid of being inadequate. I understand the need for identity. People all have their sources of pride. Yet, at the end of the day, aren’t you what you are? Embrace who you are as you’d embrace anyone else. Also, put yourself out there no matter what anyone says. That’s having courage. The worst that can happen is someone who has it wrong anyway will misjudge you.

[thespinningworldaroundus]

How businesses can really give back...in a very different way

It’s often said that if businesses do well, they should donate to charity. Yet what underlies this, what is being done? Charities exist to help the disadvantaged, generally speaking. Yet, why do we have so many disadvantaged economically? What circumstances make people disadvantaged economically? Generally it’s not having steady well-paying employment. Where does employment come from? Businesses. What if, as a more efficient and effective way to give back, businesses paid employees more rather than donated to charity. A few things I believe this would do: 1) Employees would get the money directly, and be able to spend it immediately. It’s much more efficient than getting it from a third source. 2) It’s money earned. People love nothing more than to be able to earn money themselves. It’s a source of pride. It also removes any feeling of being a burden. I’m not saying that those in poverty are ever a burden on us, but people like to feel that they are contributors and not only takers. 3) It’s a huge time and cost saver. Rather than creating an organization, which has administrative costs, wouldn’t it be easier if the disadvantaged were paid directly in their paychecks? So, why don’t businesses do this more? Two reasons: 1) It is more costly, at least in the most tangible sense. The benefits are mostly ones hard to measure exactly, even when they come in dollars. If you pay your employees more, they will perform better and will not quit. They will be happier and healthier and perform better because they see themselves as part of a team. It’s hard to show gratitude and engagement with someone who does not reward you or show appreciation. High performers keep a business running well. They keep the shelves stocked, they know how to help customers. Customers are happy and want to come back. There is also no lost productivity or hiring costs from high turnover. 2) Here’s the harder news....sometimes I think doing business ethically might cost a little more, plain and simple. Of course businesses can always do well without cutting corners. However there is a reason businesses are often pressured to have unethical policies.... It can pay, in a sense. I’m going to explain this very carefully. Businesses can and do make money while also being ethical. However, I think sometimes conducting a business ethically can lower profit margins a little bit. Paying employees less means more profit leftover. Not following environmental restrictions can mean saved costs in terms of administrative costs. Not following safety standards can mean cut costs in terms of the manpower and resources spent on ensuring safety. I simply think it’s just not worth it for greed. I think businesses can make a healthy profit and be ethical. Target does it! (I actually work there and was very happy). They simply do not need to make an extra dollar on top of that if it means compromising your integrity. Maybe sometimes businesses do have to make sacrifices simply because it’s the right thing to do. To give a comparison I think we can understand, we make sacrifices for our families by spending money on them rather than on things we want, and we also sacrifice our time. Businesses may need to make some sacrifices too. Profit is the goal of any business, but not at all costs. Besides, then they wouldn’t need to donate as much to charity anyway! Business done well would mean a society less in need to charity. Remember.... “What will it profit you to gain the world and lose your soul?” (“Profit”, get it?)

[thespinningworldaroundus]

How we respond to poverty

Poverty is a common problem, and one with very different causes. How we respond to it comes from the heart. Poverty I believe is caused by sin. It isn’t God’s will. That’s not to say it’s always the fault of someone who is poor, or conversely never their fault. It’s a complicated topic. The Bible absolutely tells us to care for poor people. It also talks about personal responsibility. I’m going to quote verses and reconcile something that’s not anything with easy answers. Compassion: 1) Luke 14:13-14: 13 But when you give a banquet, invite the poor, the crippled, the lame, the blind, 14 and you will be blessed. Although they cannot repay you, you will be repaid at the resurrection of the righteous.” 2) Leviticus 19:10 10 Do not go over your vineyard a second time or pick up the grapes that have fallen. Leave them for the poor and the foreigner. I am the Lord your God. 3) Deuteronomy 15:7 7 If anyone is poor among your fellow Israelites in any of the towns of the land the Lord your God is giving you, do not be hardhearted or tightfisted toward them. 4) Matthew 19:21 Jesus answered, “If you want to be perfect, go, sell your possessions and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me.” Personal responsibility: 1) Proverbs 10:22 The blessing of the LORD brings wealth, and he adds no trouble to it. 2) Proverbs 14:23 "In all labour there is profit: but the talk of the lips tendeth only to penury [poverty]" 3) Proverbs 28:19 "He that tilleth his land shall have plenty of bread: but he that followeth after vain persons shall have poverty enough" 4) This one is a parable that actually an analogy for our actions and how we’ll be judged based on them. However, the fact that Jesus uses earning money and saving it well as I think would show that these are true principles in life in general. Matthew 25:14-30 The Parable of the Talents 14 “For it will be like a man going on a journey, who called his servants[a] and entrusted to them his property. 15 To one he gave five talents,[b] to another two, to another one, to each according to his ability. Then he went away. 16 He who had received the five talents went at once and traded with them, and he made five talents more. 17 So also he who had the two talents made two talents more. 18 But he who had received the one talent went and dug in the ground and hid his master's money. 19 Now after a long time the master of those servants came and settled accounts with them. 20 And he who had received the five talents came forward, bringing five talents more, saying, ‘Master, you delivered to me five talents; here, I have made five talents more.’ 21 His master said to him, ‘Well done, good and faithful servant.[c] You have been faithful over a little; I will set you over much. Enter into the joy of your master.’ 22 And he also who had the two talents came forward, saying, ‘Master, you delivered to me two talents; here, I have made two talents more.’ 23 His master said to him, ‘Well done, good and faithful servant. You have been faithful over a little; I will set you over much. Enter into the joy of your master.’ 24 He also who had received the one talent came forward, saying, ‘Master, I knew you to be a hard man, reaping where you did not sow, and gathering where you scattered no seed, 25 so I was afraid, and I went and hid your talent in the ground. Here, you have what is yours.’ 26 But his master answered him, ‘You wicked and slothful servant! You knew that I reap where I have not sown and gather where I scattered no seed? 27 Then you ought to have invested my money with the bankers, and at my coming I should have received what was my own with interest. 28 So take the talent from him and give it to him who has the ten talents. 29 For to everyone who has will more be given, and he will have an abundance. But from the one who has not, even what he has will be taken away. 30 And cast the worthless servant into the outer darkness. In that place there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth.’” So, what to make of this? I’m going to confront head on the difficult, controversial question: is poverty the fault of the poor or is it not? Sometimes yes, sometimes no. Sometimes yes In fact, I would say in some cases, yes it is. Someone with an addiction to substances will often use all their resources to get another high. They’ll sell and spend anything and everything they have, and even steal to do so. The same is true of someone with a gambling addiction. I would argue yes also with someone who does not work hard. If we don’t work hard we won’t earn money. Lastly, I would say the same for one who overspends. There are other examples but the principle is the same. Sometimes no