#but its still Always impossible to imagine my life not centered around the one im on

[adhdandcomics]

odd specific thing but i love the magnus archives very much and i am feeling the same thing i felt before beating ganon in breath of the wild for the first time, where i know a big hyperfixation is about to come to an end even though i’m completely absorbed by it Right Now- and it’s once again a weird feeling staring the end of something that is such a big part of you in the face

[kyber-crystal]

Unspoken Words

Pairing: Steve Rogers x Reader

Words: 4.2k (I POPPED OFF LOLLLLL)

Summary: In which the night before being deployed on a covert black-ops mission overseas with Natasha, you write Steve a secret love letter that you never intended to give him. But, it still ends up falling into his hands.

Warnings: fluff, soft angst, cute steve hehe

A/N: once again, shamelessly stole this idea from the kdrama im watching adsfasdf

To Steve.

You always told me it was time I found someone who cared for me just as much as I cared about others. For the longest time, I had myself believing I was set for life since I already had the team. That I didn’t need to find a man to sweep me off my feet and take his last name, to have as my own, as every time I seemed to let my feelings wander astray, it’d end in tragedy.

After waiting for too long to say this, I guess I'm gonna come clean now, so brace yourself. I felt as if this would be easier for me if I was saying it on paper rather than in person, so here you go.

I realized I'm in love with you. You never leave my mind. You're always there, mentally, if not physically. It's hard for you to comprehend all at once, I know, it's hard for me to wrap my mind around, too. It still feels unreal that I'm actually admitting all this to you. I could've sworn I'd only acted this way in my dreams, but hey, reality can sometimes come up behind you and slap you in the face, you know?

In the middle of the storm, a war that rages on in my mind, you’re my safe haven. You’re the gentle center who keeps me steady and prevents me from teetering over the edge and losing my grip on reality. You keep me centered, and I don’t know what I’d do without you by my side. Steven Grant Rogers, I’m in love with you. I know, it doesn’t seem real. As crazy as it sounds, I’m hopelessly in love with you.

Steve, you are my one stability in a chaos-ridden world and I thank you endlessly for that. I so desperately needed something to hold onto, something to convince me I was still alive and breathing and somewhat sane. It's hard for me, it's hard that only today I've accepted the feelings I'd been harboring inside for years. But I've decided to admit defeat and admit I've officially fallen in love with you. Because what I'm beginning to feel now is far too strong for me to ignore; it's impossible to keep up this act when you're all I can seem to think about.

It's all strange, honestly. The feeling of butterflies flying around my stomach and tickling my insides makes me feel as if I'm up in the sky, my head in the clouds, but it also overwhelms me and makes me scared at the same time. The fact that I'm in so deeply in love scares me because I know when I'm really in love with someone, it's hard to escape once I've completed the act of falling for them.

Weird, right? Who knew the great Y/N was so capable of being a romantic sap?

It feels dangerous yet completely safe at the same time, as if someone's given me peace and my heart is dancing around in my chest because it's so happy, at the same time there is a Captain America-shaped hole there in the center that I was never aware was there in the beginning. My chest aches at the thought of having to leave you or you not reciprocating my feelings, but I know I might just suffer that fate, since the world as I know it, isn't kind whatsoever. I should know this better than anyone, after fighting countless battles.

It scares me more than excites me, how you can go from being really close friends to then being completely infatuated and in love with them and wondering how you were ever able to go on with your daily life without them, because I sure as hell can't imagine that now. In the beginning, I told myself it's not right, I still had so much of my life ahead of me, so much time to plan out what I'm going to end up like in the future but my brain is screaming no, no, it is right, it's meant to be.

The team tries convincing me to do something about it but I'm terrified. Terrified that I'll have to bring down the thick and heavy walls I spent so much time building up in the fears of being hurt and damaged and my heart shattered to a million jagged pieces.

I know most people would consider me to be foolish and na��ve for spilling my feelings through a sappy love letter, but it's true when I say I love you so much more than I could ever love myself. You're my best friend, and as cheesy as it sounds, you are my everything. My anchor.

I fell for you all on my own. Not because I was pressured to or anything, but because I made the decision myself. I don't just give my heart to you by default as if there's no one else available for me to open up to. It's because I choose to. Every day that I wake up, every day we're fighting for our lives or fighting each other or going about a normal day or whatever, I'll keep choosing you over and over again, and I hope someday you'll do the same.

I love you more than you know. And if you don't feel the same way, then it's perfectly fine. I understand, and I'll wait for you as long as it takes, no matter what.

Whatever it takes.

Y/N

You let out a long sigh and set down your pen, folding the paper up into fourths and tucking it under your lamp before pushing yourself away from your desk and standing up, stretching your arms in the air. What even was the point of doing that, anyways? It’s not like Steve’s just going to come in here and read the letter. 

The downside of living with the Avengers was that word got around very quickly, especially about your love life. There was no hiding anything from anyone, as they’d find out one way or another. If Tony didn’t find out first, it was Natasha, Sam, or Bucky who did.

“Hey, Nat,” you spoke without turning your head to look at who was behind you, knowing your red-headed best friend was leaning against the doorframe, observing you carefully. 

“Y/N,” Natasha nodded and made her way inside, sitting at the edge of your bed and you took a seat next to her, as she rested her head on your shoulder. “You alright? I can tell something’s on your mind.”

You shook your head. “I’m fine.”

“Something tells me you’re not.”

“Did Wanda read my mind for you?” you raised an eyebrow in suspicion.

“No, she didn’t,” she replied honestly, “she’s busy baking cookies with Vis and Peter right now. You think you wanna tell me what’s up? As your best friend, I’m obligated to know what’s going on.”

You closed your eyes and let out a long sigh. "You know what it is."

"You mean who?"

"Why am I letting this happen to myself?"

"You can't control who you fall for,," she explained. "Your heart sometimes just has a mind of its' own."

“He’s Captain America,” you deadpanned.

“And you’re the badass Y/N!”

“I shouldn’t even have feelings in the first place. And I shouldn't have written that love letter that I won't even give him anyways, or...you know."

"You wrote him a letter?"

You got up and tugged the letter from underneath your lamp and gave it to her, watching as her eyes scanned over the paper with your tidy, typewriter-like handwriting filling the sheet from top to bottom.

"So..."

Natasha handed the paper back to you. "Why can't you just tell him?"

"Because he doesn’t like me back."

"You should tell him at some point. Keeping this all to yourself isn't healthy."

"You sound like Tony."

She chuckled lightly. "What?It's the truth."

"Fine," you threw your hands up in the air in defeat, "I’ll consider telling him after we get back from Kyiv. I’m only considering it. And if I do confess...will you take me out for shawarma? Bucky took me last time and I barely got to eat anything because he stole most of my food."

"Alright, I promise," she laughed. "You got a deal."

...

SHIELD was always taking advantage of your almost unparalleled skill in the art of covert espionage and hand to hand combat and sending you off. Normally, it would last no longer than a few days or weeks at a time, so to hear that you'd be gone for four whole months made Steve feel sick to his stomach. He was dreading having to watch you leave, because it would mean spending the next third of a year by himself, without being able to see your face or your smile or simply have you around for some good company.

You pulled him aside after dinner one night to tell him the news.

"Nat and I were called in by Fury early this morning. We're being deployed to eastern Europe to stop a nuclear missile launch."

"How long will you be gone?" He tried to keep his voice as steady as possible, but it was a dead giveaway that he didn't want you to go at all.

"Well...if things go right, 3-4 months."

"And if doesn't?"

"Six, maybe seven."

Steve felt a sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach at your answer. "Why is it gonna take so long?"

"I don't know," you sighed, "just trying getting in and out isn't a very short process. We have to maintain low profile for a while before we infiltrate the base. If we're discovered too early on...then...well, we're basically screwed."

"Oh."

"Hey, I'm going to be fine, if that's what you're so worried about," you took his hand in yours and squeezed it tightly, "I know you're thinking I can't handle this, but I can. Nat and I are gonna look out for each other. I promise I'll be okay."

"When are you leaving?"

"First thing in the morning. We gotta go at four."

You didn't have to add on another sentence to tell him it meant you were unable to say goodbye to anyone. He nodded, swallowing the lump in his throat and trying to ignore that weird feeling in his chest as you kept holding his hand, not letting go even when you had the chance to.

Later that night, you were able to get five hours of sleep before Natasha came in to wake you up and you got ready. When she noticed how your eyes had lost the light to them and your shoulders slumped as you boarded the jet, she knew something was up.

Guilt clawed at your insides. You should’ve told him you loved him before you left, you idiot. What if you don’t make it back alive? Hm?

A set of footsteps echoing across the hangar bay suddenly made you turn around. You turned around to see Steve, jogging towards you and calling out your name. Knowing it was only a matter of minutes before you finished boarding and took off for a mission thousands of miles away, with very little ways of communication as you were supposed to be as discreet as possible when undercover, he didn't want you to leave without saying goodbye.

A mix of surprise and relief is on your face when you see him. You shake your head and give him a reassuring look, that everything was going to be okay and you'd be just fine.

"What are you doing here? You should be sleeping," your brows furrowed together in confusion as you unloaded your weapons, tying up your combat boots. "I thought you—"

Steve quickly comes forward and crushes you into a tight embrace that tells you he's going to miss you much more than he's letting on. You were quick to return the gesture, wrapping your arms around his torso and squeezing him back, resting your head against his broad chest.

"Stay safe out there," he murmured into your hair, pressing a light, fleeting kiss to the top of your hair.

You don't question his sudden act of sentiment, and just gave him a small smile in response. "Don't worry. I will."

With that, you turned around, stepping back up the ramp with Natasha. The gates to the hangar bay slid open, and within seconds you had taken off.

Steve stands there for a while even after the Quinjet is out of his sight, and it's only when Bucky pulls him back inside that he realizes he's been standing there for over an hour without moving at all.

The first few weeks pass by in a blur. He hardly eats, he hardly sleeps, he hardly even gets up for his morning runs or trains at all. After the first two months came and went, Tony grew rather concerned seeing him deteriorate and decided to ask him what was going on.

"Tony, I'm fine."

"Like hell you are. What's up with you? You haven't eaten a solid meal in over two months. You've lost some weight around your face, you almost look like a skeleton. When you haven't gone on your morning runs in forever, I should have a reason to be worried about you, Cap."

"It's been five weeks and she hasn't checked in with us yet," he stated plainly, gulping down his third cup of coffee of the day. "She should've called a week ago."

"God, I never thought you'd be the one to get so worked up over a girl," the billionaire let out a long sigh, pouring himself a cup of coffee as well at the kitchen counter before taking a seat at the island next to him, "but here we are now."

"What if she got injured?"

"Her and Nat are looking out for each other. I'm sure she's fine. She's going to be okay, so why don't you eat something solid for once? Tell me what you wanna order, I'll get it for you."

Thanks, Tony. I'll take Thai." (You and Steve often ate Thai takeout together.)

"Anytime."

Way over in Ukraine, you and Natasha were sitting on the bed in your hotel room watching the news on TV in silence because neither one of you felt like sleeping yet, until she decided to speak up.

"Why haven't you called Rogers yet?"

"I...don't know."

"He's gotta be missing you like hell, you know."

"I know. And I miss him too...a bit too much. That's why I can't call him. Because every time I hear his voice or see something that reminds me of him, it makes me fall even more in love with him and I can't afford having that. I don't want to risk getting hurt. Besides...I already summoned every last ounce of willpower to write that letter."

"You really should give him a call. It's not doing your heart any good to purposely drain yourself of him."

"Fine."

Steve had somehow allowed himself to get roped into a Mario Kart showdown with Bucky and Sam, when his phone suddenly lit up with a familiar number he could recognize anywhere. Your contact picture filled up the screen: you grinning wildly as his arms wrapped around you from behind, Pietro photobombing in the back as he made heart signs with his hands.

He picked up the phone and answered it after only one ring.

"Hello?"

"Hey, Steve," you spoke over the phone, "how's it going?"

"Hey," he couldn't help but break into a smile, "are you alright?"

"Yeah. We got the data files downloaded onto the flash drive and then destroyed it yesterday. So for now, we're just waiting around and maybe doing some tours of Kyiv while we have time."

"What time is it over there?"

"Half past midnight. You?"

"2:30."

"How are you holding up?"

Bucky and Sam looked over at that exact moment, wiggling their eyebrows up and down as they gestured for Steve to say something. "I'm doing fine. Got pulled into a Mario Kart deathmatch with the two idiots."

"Tell Bucky and Sam I send my regards and that I'm bringing back those baguettes I promised for when we stop over in Paris," you told him.

"I will. It's good to hear your voice, Y/N."

You couldn't help but feel your heart flutter at those words. "It's good to hear your voice, too. Look, I'm sorry...but it's getting late, and my data on my phone is low, Fury didn't give me an unlimited plan so I gotta go now. See you soon."

"Okay. Try to get some good sleep, alright? I don't want you getting hurt because you didn't get a good night's rest the night before. See you."

"COME ON, MAN!" Sam yelled as soon as you hung up. "You didn't even have the decency to say 'I love you?'"

"I love her, but not like that."

"Sure you don't. I saw the way your face lit up when you picked up the phone."

"Two months," the super-soldier let out a sigh of disappointment, setting down the controller to watch him and Bucky tear each other apart on Rainbow Road, "two more months."

He picked up his phone again and clicked on his camera roll, mindlessly beginning to scroll through until one picture caught his eye. It was during summer break when you were vacationing in the Bahamas for two weeks along with several SHIELD agents, and Coulson had taken the team picture. Fury had somehow been convinced to come along as well.

As his eyes scanned all the faces in the picture, he came across himself and noticed that he wasn't smiling at the camera, but at you instead, and you were doing the same. Both of you, gazing into each others' eyes as if the two of you were the only people left on Earth.

He felt a pang in his chest as he realized, at that moment, that he was in love with you and hadn't gotten the chance to tell you so before you left. And now, it could be too late.

The letter ends up reaching Steve much faster than you'd anticipated it to. The next day, he went to drop off the sweatshirt you left in his room last time you’d had a movie night together and comes across a single sheet of paper lying out on your desk.

All the color quickly drains from his face when he realizes this wasn't actually meant for him to read. He knows what he'd just done was wrong, but the fact that he was so oblivious to how you felt about him makes him feel even worse.

...

The mission had gone extremely well. You and Natasha were in and out of that base probably faster than you could summon Tony after yelling out that one of his suits had been tampered with.

Natasha thought it'd be fun to surprise him by coming back a month early and could tell instantly that you loved the idea, judging by the way your eyes lit up when you boarded the Quinjet.

You decided to call him again on the flight back as she sat at the front piloting the jet.

"Steve?"

"Hey. What's up?"

"Uh...I'm afraid there's been a change of plans."

"What plans?" His voice quickly grew worried as he tried masking his disappointment at the fact that you weren't announcing your return.

"I'm afraid I can't tell you that, I'm sorry, but...I just wanted to call you to update you on what's happening. Signal's not very good up here, Nat and I are flying out again so I'll call you when we touch down."

"Okay. Talk to you in a bit."

After making a quick pit stop at a bakery in Paris, you were up in the skies again, zipping back towards the Avengers HQs where the rest of the team was waiting.

"You know, I think Rogers is in love with you," Natasha gave you a knowing look as you touched down.

"What makes you think that?"

"When you guys were going after Bucky...I think that's when it all happened."

"But that was several years ago?"

"Exactly."

You unbuckled your seatbelts and stood up, picking up your duffel bags as the opening gates dropped down and you stepped off the ramp to an awaiting Bucky, Sam, Clint and Peter.

"Y/N!" Peter rushed forward, squeezing you in a tight hug. "Hi! You're home early!"

"Yeah, I am," you grinned ruffling his hair as you pulled apart. "You make sure Bucky and Sam didn't misbehave?"

Sam shot you a glare as Peter replied. "Well, they were alright. Happy dropped me off here yesterday and I monitored their Mario Kart matches to make sure nobody killed someone, so yeah. Clint was good too."

You went over to Bucky as Natasha went to talk to Sam and Clint about mission details."

"Y/L/N."

"Barnes."

"How was the flight?" His hard expression softened slight as he gave you a quick hug. "I heard everything went pretty well."

"Yeah, it was okay. A bit jet-lagged, but other than that I'm fine. And speaking of flight! I got you guys something."

You motioned for Nat to bring the box of pastries from the jet, and as soon as she did everyone's eyes lit up with excitement.

"Dude, you're the best," Sam exclaimed as he bit into an eclair. "I love Parisian pastries."

"We don't wanna be here too long, now do we?" Clint spoke up. "Y/N, I think you have a special someone to surprise inside."

"Oh?" you raised an eyebrow at the archer before following him and the others inside the compound.

Steve was busy reading a news article on his phone at the kitchen island, sitting there in a plain grey T-shirt and dark jeans when he looked up and met your gaze.

"Hey, soldier," you greeted with a smirk, "miss me?"

His face broke into a grin as he set his phone down. "You're back early."

"Fury was a bit more lenient this time," you shrugged, taking your hands out of your jacket pockets, "so he let us go. Since we got the job done pretty fast."

He chuckled lightly, pulling you close in response and wrapping his strong arms around you. "I'm glad you're back."

"So I take it you really missed me, huh."

"You could put it that way."

"Like hell he missed you. You should've seen him while you were gone, Christ," Sam groaned. "He wouldn't eat anything solid for an entire week."

"Oh!" Wanda piped up, "I believe he has something to tell you? Right, Steve?"

"No, I don't?"

"Uh, we'll leave now, then," Clint awkwardly cleared his throat. "Let's give these two a minute."

With that, they calmly filed out of the kitchen, leaving the two of you to yourselves.

"You look tired," Steve raised an eyebrow at you as he noticed the dark circles under your eyes.

"You look worse," you joked, earning a small laugh from him as you circled your arms around his torso. "I'm just a bit jet-lagged. The ten hour time difference wasn't very kind to me."

"Well, I'm glad you're back," he breathed out, "I missed you."

"Ah, there it is," you mumbled into his chest. "But yeah, I missed you too. And here I was starting to think Captain America didn't have the heart to care for someone so much."

"Only for you, Y/N," he chuckled, pressing a light kiss to your forehead, "only for you."

“Wait a second,” you pulled away and saw a familiar piece of paper sticking out of his jacket pocket, “what’s that?”

Your eyes widened as you pulled it out and realized it was the letter you’d written him several months back. “Oh shit...”

“Was I not supposed to read this?’

“NO!”

“It was addressed to me, though...?”

“I never meant for you to read it!” you hissed, “Now give it back!”

“Ah ah ah! I don’t think so.”

You let out an annoyed groan, going up on your tiptoes to try and snatch the paper out of his hand. “Screw you, Rogers. Why do you have to be so damn tall?”

You jumped up and down in an attempt to get the letter back for several minutes until you finally gave up, arms growing sore. When he towered half a foot above you, it was hopeless.

Your hands landed against his chest as you let them fall and you just stood there for a few seconds, or minutes, maybe, in utter silence, with his warm breath falling against your neck and you hated yourself for wanting this moment to last longer. 

The air was suddenly buzzing with anticipation, like the world was holding its breath to see what was to come next. Steve’s gaze lingered on your lips before he tilted his head downwards, placing a hand on the small of your back and pulling you in for a kiss. 

His lips met your own so softly, so gently that you swore that you were dreaming for a split second, and you let out a sigh as your arms slid around his waist and tightened their grip around him. 

“In case I haven’t made it obvious enough, either,” he hummed, “I’m in love with you too.”

You felt heat rise up your cheeks. “You weren’t supposed to read that!”

“Too bad,” he smirked, resting his chin on your head, “I read it already, three times. You bet I’ll be keeping this for myself.”

“I hate you so much.”

“That’s not what the letter says.”

“I hate you.”

“You love me.”

“No I don’t.”

“Yes, you do.”

“Fine! I love you.”

Steve laughed lightly. “I love you too, Y/N.”

[synchlora]

oh my god PLEASE talk abt jet and ghoul. how did they meet? do they have any things they like to do as just the two of them? inside jokes? do they ever argue and if so how does it get resolved? do they give each other gifts?? where are they in a firefight?

YES!! okay fuck yeah!!!

how they met

so ghoul and jet meet uhh. in an. interesting way..... so jet and kobra r the first two of the fab four to meet so they basically start a mini-crew before poison and ghoul join. so one day, jet and kobra are out on a supply run to test out kobra's new vend-a-hack and things. happen.

to make a long story short, a newly-escaped (and. Extremely Dehydrated and desperate) ghoul decided it would be a good idea to. attempt to rob some killjoys?? man was desperate alright. so xe. climbed up onto the vending machine and jumped on top of kobra while he was distracted w the vend-a-hack.

a let me paint u a picture here bc im not sure if this is clear: imagine you're out on an early morning supply run before it gets too hot w ur one and only crewmate, someone uve known for quite a while now. ur out here to test a new device he's made!! something that'll make it easier to steal from BLi, so obviously u both decided to try it out asap. and while u have ur back turned tending to your half-broken motorbike, you hear the shriek of your crewmate, spin around, and see a teenager with greasy black hair (no, literally grease, like that's fucking motor oil in their hair) currently on top of your crewmates shoulders wrestling w him while holding a mildly pointy pen in their hand held (uselessly) like a knife to ur crewmates throat.

so that's how ghoul and jet met achsbscshsbs ghoul attempted to rob them and jet was like COOL!! let's take them home (much to kobra's displeasure having just been "violently attacked" by a "fucking sharp-toothed city kid." to be fair, ghoul did bite him).

things they do / inside jokes

literally nearly impossible to ever find them not physically touching in some way. whether they're leaning against one another in a fire fight, in a tangle of limbs lounging around at the diner, or bumping shoulders/hands while working on their own separate projects-- they're almost always within each other's space

ghoul likes to make bracelets and other jewelry and jet tends to sit still a lot just reading or writing. so there's a lot of lazy afternoons where ghoul is making jewelry literally onto jets wrist while jet just sits around chatting idly abt what they're reading

jet knows nothing abt mechanical shit but loves to sit around in the garage w ghoul if she's ever feeling lonely out there. which is a lot of the time

ghoul knows nothing abt the stars but loves to sit on the roof w jet and hear them infodump abt all their favorite constellations

ghoul is the only one that can use it/its pronouns w jet (it actually makes her rly happy!! only from them tho, it's abt trusting the connotation and person addressing them if that makes sense)

jet's the only one that uses a lot of ghouls other names. they are the only one allowed to use any of the bird-related ones (once again, abt trust and knowing jet's intentions using those names)

arguments

oh my god they get into arguments so much

they get along incredibly well but are so concerned for one another, mainly when it comes to firefights

jet is very bold but also values his crew mates above all else and wants to ensure that they all make it out of the fight alive. she's lost too many people in the past to be careless in a fight

ghoul on the other hand is reckless and will throw xemself out into danger at any chance. they want to go down swinging and they dont value her life as much. he doesn't want to die, but it's more abt trying to prove that she's a "real killjoy" because xe was previously a scarecrow apprentice

they fight a lot abt keeping one another safe in fights, arguing either of their points to no end

what tends to solve these is one of them finding the other and sitting down wordlessly for a little while. these situations usually end w a quiet hug and a lot of tears

the arguments are always out of concern and they both understand that. it's just hard to see the other's perspective and accept that sometimes

gifts

oh these bitches love gifts (both giving and receiving)!!!

as i mentioned above, ghoul loves making jewelry but also likes making little trinkets and metal figures. hes hardly ever keeps anything xe makes and instead will put it on the others or put up the figures as decorations in the diner

jet loves to write, but not poetry or stories. she likes creating rly beautiful calligraphy of random shit their crew has said. it's a lot of fun to see whatever new curse ghoul has invented written in fancy script

jet also believes strongly in beads and has made each of the fab four a strand

ghoul is the type of gift giver that will basically straight up ask you hey do u want this? so there's no surprise w his gifts (though they are still just as wonderful)

jet however will keep a secret to her grave in order to surprise their crew mates with a gift

firefights

despite their differences, their unique strategies rly do work well together in fights

ghoul tends to go to the edges of the fight and take out dracs before they're anywhere near the crew

jet stays closer to the center, keeping mindful of cover and taking out any dracs that ghoul missed in xir reckless attacks

but they can both take down a patrol very effectively, even without the venom siblings with them (which is why ghoul and jet tends to get paired off for supply runs so often)

[sailorshadzter]

Prompt: Ancient! Rome AU: After the Starks were branded as traitors Sansa becomes a political hostage of emperor Joffrey and is expected to marry him, however her hatred for him increases each passing day as he forces her to watch the gory executions of her people in form of gladiator fights. One day a new gladiator enters the coliseum: it's Jon

id like to start out by saying i KNOW NOTHING of this time period LOL

but its always been a time period ive been interested in and someday when im not so obsessed with the tudor era in england, ill read about something else. tbh i kind of want to get some more info because as ive finished writing this piece, im entertaining the idea of continuing it. maybe just a part 2 because i have another idea! 

ANYWAYS. thanks for the request. i hope you enjoy :)  

ps. its set with the backstory of jon being a stark/targ, but rather than being raised among the starks, he’s raised among the night’s watch. 

send me prompts

Another day, another summons to join Joffrey in the stadium.

Sansa sighs but does her best to smile for the man in her doorway, for she knows any sense of displeasure would be told to the emperor without hesitation. The man, seemingly satisfied with her response, bows and backs out from the room, allowing the door to slam closed behind.

When she's alone, all of the fight leaves her and she sinks into the nearest chair, head in hands. Yet another day where she's to be forced to witness the gruesome violence that is the gladiator colosseum. Every drop of blood is a reminder of her father's execution, every hour spent in the crowd only more fuel for her nightmares. "My lady... perhaps you are feeling unwell this morning?" It's Shae, her ever loyal handmaiden, prompting her with an excuse she might use to get out of the day's events. But Sansa smiles for her lady and shakes her head, instead rising up from the chair. She is braver than that, than running away from what frightens her.

She might yet be betrothed to a tyrant, chained to a family that had the rest of her's murdered in cold blood... But she was a Stark, through and through, and though she was so very far from the North, she could feel the strength that her home offered. I am a Stark, she thinks as Shae begins to undress her from her nightgown, I am strong because I am a Stark.

She was a Stark and so she would be brave.

[ x x x ]

He can hear the crowd shouting, screaming, gasping.

The horror of it all, this gladiator colosseum , even for a seasoned soldier such as himself is tough to take. He's heard of it of course, even way up North in the midst of the Night's Watch, they know some of what goes on in the South. He's heard the rumors of the mad ruler Joffrey, who prefers violence to peace, who abuses the lowest of servants and most noble of knights. There is no one who is immune to the emperor's temper- save for maybe his mother, the golden haired Lannister queen who ruled alongside his father for many of the last twenty years.

Suddenly, the crowd is roaring and Jon feels his stomach turn over. A moment later, the door that leads out into the stadium flies open and before anyone can speak, he knows what's happening. "Your turn." A gruff voice says a moment before he's shoved out the door and into the sunlight.

All around him, eyes are staring down at him; they scream and they stomp their feet, eager to see the blood bath continue on. In front of him, Jon meets gazes with his opponent, an undefeated mountain of a man, who's chest is smeared with blood that is most certainly not his own. Jon gulps. He's skilled enough of a fighter, but against this brute seems impossible. And from the state of the battefield, from the rumors of this man's strength... Jon has to wonder if this will be his end. After everything he's seen, after everything that he's done... This is where it all will come to and end.

From where she sits beside Joffrey in the emperor's box, Sansa sees the newest recruit come out into the stadium center. Her breath catches in her throat- she's seen hair like that before and it certainly wasn't there in the South. Beside Joffrey, ser Merryn leans in to speak to him. "From the North," he says, shooting a sidelong glance at the young woman seated beside the emperor. Sure enough, as Sansa had thought, this was a man from the North, from her home. But how, she wonders, watching the man as he squares up in front of Joffrey's champion, the Mountain, how has a Northern man ended up here?

"Ah, one of those black crows, eh?" Joffrey asks, green eyes flashing with danger in the sunlight. "Do you know him, sweet lady?" His eyes are upon her instead and for a moment, she freezes. "He looks like your traitor father." Joffrey goes on, gesturing towards the gladiator that now raises a sword as the battle prepares to begin. "But all your traitor brothers are dead, so I imagine it's just another piss poor criminal from Wintertown." Joffrey turns away from her then, back to facing the fight that's just begun.

[ x x x ]

One more swing, one more!

He's pushing himself, harder and further than he's ever pushed himself before. For the first time in all his life, he's thankful for his short stature, giving him ample opportunity over the beast of a man he's facing. Where the man is slow, Jon is quick. His agile movements are too much for him and Jon knows by the end of the third round that if he gets the right chance, he might actually survive.

Now it's the sixth round and Jon knows the final moment must come.

And so he puts it all into this last swing- a quick upper cut movement that catches the Mountain off guard- and for the several moments after he lands back on his feet, Jon isn't certain he's managed to pull it off. But then he glances at his sword- it's stained crimson and dripping. Behind him, he hears the man stagger and then, the crowd goes silent as he falls to his knees and then to the ground. Dead.

Then... The crowd erupts.

[ x x x ]

It's no more than a few minutes when he's approached by the man in charge of the gladiators and another man, well dressed and fair-haired. "You, boy." The gladiator barks, catching Jon's attention where he stands, mid-wiping the blood from his hands. "Come with us."

"To where?" Jon asks, dark gaze sharper than his voice. "I was told if I won I would have my freedom back." He only longs to return North, to find Ghost and live out his days in a place where no one might ever find him.

"And your freedom you shall have," the second man speaks, his green eyes bright in the sunlight that streams in through the nearby open window. "As winner in the stadium, you have the great honor of meeting our emperor." He continues, gesturing for him to take a left down the corridor and towards a door that leads up a set up stairs, which sure enough as he climbs up them Jon can hear the emperor's harsh laughter.

Stepping through the doorway, Jon is lead across the way to where the emperor sits, but it is not the man that catches Jon's interest first. Rather, it is a young woman with hair a shade of vibrant red that seems quite out of sorts among these blonde and brunette southerners. He's seen that shade of hair color before, a Tully born boy who had once joined the ranks of the Night's Watch had hair of the same shade. But beyond the color of her hair... She was beautiful. So beautiful that when she turns to face him, the breath is stolen from his lungs. Her eyes are clear and blue, but lovely as they might be, he finds their gaze to be sad, the eyes of a woman lost.

"So you've defeated my champion."

The sharp voice belongs to the emperor, who Jon has quite honestly forgotten was there. He turns to face the man instead, though he's hesitant to tear his gaze from the lovely woman at his side. "Aye, so I have." Jon replies, lifting his shoulders in a slight shrug. "It was that or die. I preferred the first option." For a second, there is only silence, until Joffrey lets out a laugh that startles those around them.

"A jester are you, crow?" Joffrey takes a step closer to where Jon stands and it's only then that Jon notices the striking resemblance between him and the man that had led him up to where he stands now. "You would make a far better champion." Now Jon knows where this is going. "I can make you a wealthy man, far wealthier than your meager coins made in the ranks of the crows." He's offering him a choice- to stay and be his new champion of the gladiator colosseum , or... "Or you may go, it is the law of the colosseum and I am a man of my word." Beside him, the young woman flinches, but it is so quick that Jon is certain he's the only one who's noticed. "But be my champion, I will give you all the wealth you could dream of."

For what feels like a lifetime, Jon stands there, silent and still. Only moments ago, his answer had been strong, had been absolute. But now that he stands there in the presence of this young woman, something is nagging at him. Something about her is calling out to him and despite it all, he wants to heed her call. He doesn't even know her name, but with that single glance, she's set fire to his heart and soul.

And so, he nods; he will be the emperor's new champion.

[maverick-werewolf]

Wulfgard: The Hunt Never Ends Preview - Story 5, “The Troll Toll”

Release date is even closer now! Just two weeks away! Only one more preview after this, and then the next week, the book is out!

This story is rather different than the rest because it has a different narrator - specifically, the character mentioned in my last post, the knight who will become a werewolf, Tom Drake, protagonist of his own series. You’ve already heard some about him and you’ll absolutely be hearing more too.

So here’s another preview (a little late; sorry about that!) for my upcoming story collection, Wulfgard: The Hunt Never Ends. It’s a book, but it’s something in-between a novel and a short story collection.

Each story is individual and stands on its own, but they also go in order and build upon each other. So I’m not sure if one should really call it a novel, but it’s also different than just unrelated short stories.

Anyway, here’s another preview - enjoy!

For more info on the book itself, you can also check out this post. Also be sure to check out the Hunt Never Ends tag for a whole lot more book previews!

And remember - Wulfgard: The Hunt Never Ends is available for preorder (digital only; physical available on release date) on Amazon.com!

Pre-Order Link

Please note that, while the ebook is now available for preorder, Wulfgard: The Hunt Never Ends will also be available in paperback on October 30 from the same Amazon listing! Paperbacks cannot be preordered using Amazon’s system, however.

Be sure to check back October 30 for the physical (paperback) edition!

If you’re interested in purchasing the book digitally, you can now pre-order it right here and have it immediately on October 30!

(Paperback edition will be available on Amazon on October 30)

------------

All day, he had paced and wandered here and there, readjusting his armor – because yes, he wore his armor; he was being knighted, after all – and fingering the silver dragon amulet around his neck, grinning at basically everyone who so much as threw him a look.

Then, things started getting quiet, because the royals went and took their seats on their respective thrones. King Aetius raised a hand from the armrest, and that alone was enough to get the room’s attention. Somehow.

“Let us come together,” he said.

Without word or question, as if in one great, practiced movement, everyone in the great hall assembled. They came out of their chosen corners and away from various presumably – but probably not really – interesting conversations to gather along the sides of the deep blue rug running the length of the room.

And Tom suddenly realized, Oh, hell, what am I supposed to do?

For a moment or two he was left standing there feeling like an exceptional idiot, shifting around in his sleeveless jerkin and he was definitely sweating and what was he going to do, walk up there, or what? Why wasn’t there a rehearsal for this or something? If he screwed up, he would be the biggest dumb—

Silently, Caiden stepped up on his right, and Tom felt a heavy hand land on his shoulder and give it a quick squeeze. Thankfully not the I-have-giant-angry-vices-for-hands squeeze like back in the swamp.

For some reason, it actually kind of helped him swallow his nerves.

“Easy,” Caiden said, low, just behind his head. Okay, behind and a little above his head; who let this guy be the tallest— “They’ll call you.”

Tom took a deep, deep breath and nodded. Sure. Call. My name, right? Yeah, what else would they call, you moron? 

Way too many more moments passed mostly in silence as everyone found a spot to be that wasn’t anywhere too close to the center of the room. Then, finally, Queen Illikoni spoke.

“We ask that Thomakos Drake approach the throne.”

Tom felt every single organ in his entire body violently tie into a good two dozen knots at least, and yet not entirely in a bad way, but, gods, his nerves were on fire. He took another one of those deep breaths to try to stop his hands from shaking as he straightened himself up even more and stepped onto that carpet in the middle of the room.

Everyone watched him already. Not that he hadn’t fully expected that. Somehow, though, now that it was happening, it made some kind of hot pride swell in his chest and chew up all the jitters. In fact, his lips twitched, and he fought not to grin. That would be inappropriate. Right?

Each step toward the throne felt like it put the royals farther away. Each long stride made him keep holding his breath, until he wondered if his lungs would burst before he even made it to the thrones where his King and Queen sat, watching him with eyes attentive to his every single move.

His King and Queen. The ones who had dedicated their lives to this city, his home. Who watched over it every day, tirelessly. Not like the stuffy nobles down south who sat in their castles high above everyone else – not like the ones who refused to ride out and do battle to protect the people they served by governing them.

No, these were the rulers of Illikon, of the Northwestern Empire. A king and queen who knew the value of nobility. Of what was good and just. The ones he had waited to kneel before and accept the burden of knighthood for what felt like so long. Before that, he had only dreamed of the mere possibility. It had felt like an impossibility.

The impossibility of actually doing this: swearing himself to a code, living by honor and by the sword. Putting others before himself and being known, being recognized, as a warrior who did that willingly, whenever someone so much as saw those dragons emblazoned over his chest. To see that, see him, and know they would be safe soon enough.

And now he stopped before the thrones, bowed his head, and lowered himself to one knee. He heard Queen Illikoni rise from her throne, heard the royal guard just off to their right move, offering her a royal sword of the Illikoni line.

The silence in the hall was shattered briefly by the singing of a blade leaving its sheath. Tom didn’t have to look up to imagine her with it: the Queen of Illikon, gilded sword in hand, her attire of deep blue, of sapphires and gold and jewels and the fur over her shoulders, standing tall and proud as she turned to face him, her flowing dress trailing the floor.

But Tom didn’t move. He stayed there, head bowed low, eyes fixed only on the floor – no matter how much he wanted to look up. Not this time.

The cold metal of that sword’s blade touched his right shoulder, lingering.

“Thomakos Vincentius Draconius… Your squirehood is hereby concluded.”

The blade moved, touched his left shoulder instead and came to a rest there.

“Rise a knight,” she said, and the blade lifted once again. Tom lifted his head, and on legs no longer shaking, rose to his feet before her.

This time, Tom clearly saw her smiling as she turned her attention out toward the hall and spoke again.

“We announce to you Sir Tom Drake,” said the Queen, “a knight of Illikon.”

(More preview under the cut, including a look at the troll!)

------------

Without even glancing back at Caiden and Gwen, Tom went closer to the southern end of the bridge, where he saw a rocky outcropping reaching out from the bank. He vaulted right over the railing, his boots landing hard on river stones – dry ones. They led him along a surprisingly wide path, right into the shadows under the high stone arches of the bridge.

But here in the thick darkness provided by the structure overhead – plus various reeds and reaching tree branches on either side of it all – his feet still found rocks instead of water. No, the river was lazily drifting by under the bridge off to his right somewhere, making this a nice little secluded shelter.

A second or two later, his eyes adjusted like they always did, and he saw… nothing in particular, really. Nothing that looked alive, anyway. Just a massive boulder big enough that maybe he had finally found something even Caiden couldn’t lift up. Maybe.

In fact, it looked completely out of place and just plain weird. It was jagged and rough, not worn smooth like the river stones, but it seemed almost too round otherwise. Tilting his head, Tom took a step closer and ran a finger along one of the ugly cracks running down the stone’s side.

Just when he wondered if somebody had put this massive rock here for a reason, or if a chunk of mountain had happened to fall off and get stranded here on this little embankment and they built the bridge over it anyway, that giant stone he poked came to life.

It didn’t much like being touched, either.

Turned out that roundness about it was because the rock was a living thing all curled up, and suddenly it had an ugly, squat head and ugly, thick arms, and—

And one of those thick arms – ‘thick’ meaning ‘made all tree trunks envious’ – lifted and took a backhanded swipe at Tom before he even knew what in the name of Athena’s hooting owl was going on.

He didn’t have any time to move before he got a face – and chest, and stomach – full of stone that knocked the breath from him. It slammed into him with more force than he ever thought possible from one creature, and Tom barely had enough air to let out a yell as it sent him flying a good several feet off.

His back met stone – one of the stone support columns under the bridge – hard enough to make him wheeze out all the nothing left in his lungs. Blunt pain spread hard up and down his back, migrating absolutely everywhere from there. Feeling an awful lot like bad paint peeling away from a wall, he curled over forward to collapse abruptly into waist-high water only a second later.

Sputtering and coughing for breath, Tom promptly clawed his way back up the embankment, trying to ignore just how loudly his everything protested. Ow. Ow, his spine.

Then he rose to his feet on the embankment again – and he found himself face to face with his attacker.

The thing was enormous. It rose slowly from where it had been pretending to be a stone and turned to face him. Tom’s first thought was that it looked like somebody had taken a whole load of rock as tall as a shed and carved a stocky, hunchbacked man out of it, without quite finishing the job, and then slapped a filthy loincloth on him – which, filthy or not, thank the gods for that.

A brow almost as heavy as the gates of Illikon barely let Tom see a pair of beady, green-yellow eyes staring at him from out of that stony face. Stony in every single sense of the word.

For half a second, they both stood their ground and stared. Glared, in the monster’s case, because he looked very pissed off. A lip curled up over some teeth even more jagged than the rest of him.

At the same instant Tom reached for his swords, the monster lifted a massive fist and took a step toward him to swing – and then Caiden showed up.

He wasn’t holding any weapons. Not that he needed any, apparently. Because he rushed right in, swung a fist, and punched the rock monster right in the jaw.

It actually staggered.

Tom’s hands fell away from the sword hilts sticking up from his back as he stared, jaw going slack, at the monster that coughed out a grunt powerful enough to shake the whole bridge. At the same time, it went toppling over onto one knee and one oversized stone arm, sending river rocks skittering away in a little explosion where its elbow landed.

And Caiden just stood there, perfectly straight again now, shaking his fist out like he had just walked into a tavern and hit some completely normal person and this was all nothing remarkable at all.

“Caid— Caid, holy shit,” Tom blurted. “This – it’s – did you miss the part where that thing’s made of rock before you came down here to punch it in the face?”

“Not really made of rock,” Caiden corrected him. “Not exactly. Just something like it.”

“That—wh—” Tom sputtered. “It’s close enough!”

Tom half staggered a step closer and then realized just how much everything liked to spin right now. It didn’t take a stretch to think he probably would have busted his skull wide open if he hadn’t been wearing his helmet. It still hurt, though.

Caiden kept his eyes on the monster, but when Tom nearly fell flat on his face right next to him, he reached his nearest arm out to grab a shoulder strap on Tom’s armor and keep him from toppling like the stupid stone thing had.

Tom landed a hand on Caiden’s shoulder for support. Before he could say thanks, though, the monster moved again.

It stood – couldn’t really say it straightened up with a back like that – and turned to them, reaching one massive three-fingered hand up to its face to pop its jaw, blinking dumbly.

A light crunch of rocks told Tom that Gwen stalked closer now, probably with her bow at the ready. For all the good that did. Still, it looked like they found their culprit. Tom’s back and all the rest of him just wished he had given the monster hunters a little more heads-up before coming down here.

The stony creature’s beady eyes flicked between the three of them before landing on Caiden, and the thing slowly lifted his hands, palms out, looking pretty convincingly placating.

[1-800-444-tune]

I have cancer ...PLEASE DONATE !!😫😪😔😞

HOME

This is my main blog, I mostly do Tarot and other divination services on here, and most often it is for FREE. Which, this is NOT fair to me, but none of ya 'll know about my struggle.. bug it is real hear me out, yo.

ABOUT ME

I am nearly 30 years old now and I was actually first off diagnosed with Ovarian cysts at the age as young as 14 yrs old, yes, I was 16 by the time it went untreated and had spread all through my ovaries and to all the fallopian tubes and my uterus... then untreated still another couple years (because of poor health care in my smaller rural communities including my hometown) then at 19 my whole entire uterine lining was xomething of a mess, the doctors said basically all there woukd have been to prevent it from dpreading the cancer elsewhere would have been a full out take of my sexual organs , i believe the term is a hysterectomy....but on my paperwork i see here that it says that I was to undergo something else... + + The removal of an ovary together with the Fallopian tube is called salpingo-oophorectomy or unilateral salpingo-oophorectomy (USO). When both ovaries and both Fallopian tubes are removed.

But that did not happdn due to complications. So now, its spread to my other organs as youd guess, spleen, liver, kidneys, etc...it is a shitttSHOW I knowe.

This is why I would appreciate it if some one, any one would stand up for me ..just have a say in whether I eat today or not, or whether I stay in this residence without having to move this winter, I mean, Winter, its settling in.,,

I do not always feel totally blessed to be me; But ai I cannot complain when the bills is caught up and I gots good food at home(and the fight food, I am on a special expensive diet)

Cancer is expensive…AF!  If you have cancer, this is no news to you. But until cancer happened to me, I had no idea how expensive it truly was.  I think it’s safe to say that that seeing how much it will cost to undergo treatment is almost as frightening as getting the actual cancer diagnosis.  My diagnosis has definitely opened my eyes to the shocking reality of the financial burden that cancer causes for an individual and their family.  The astronomical expenses that accrue from treatments, tests, surgeries, scans, integrative therapies, etc are outrageous! While there are both public and private health insurance that defray medical and drug costs, huge out-of-pocket costs can be devastating to patients and force major changes in their lives. I’ve had to make several changes and my life has been affected indefinitely due to the financial burden that cancer has caused. The financial stress it causes for people during treatment until remission alone is hard, but imagine living with cancer where the treatments, doctor visits, tests and lifestyle adjustments are ever enduring, like when you have metastatic cancer.  It’s life altering… to say the least.

HOW MUCH DOES CANCER TREATMENT ACTUALLY COST?

This is an impossible question to answer. The cost of treatment obviously varies from individual to individual based on their diagnosis, the type of treatment they will require and the longevity of the treatment.  However, the “typical” cost of breast cancer looks a little something like this according to recent studies.

“For patients covered by health insurance, out-of-pocket costs for breast cancer treatment typically consist of doctor visit, lab and prescription drug copays as well as coinsurance of 10%-50% for surgery and other procedures, which can easily reach the yearly out-of-pocket maximum. Breast cancer treatment typically is covered by health insurance, although some plans might not cover individual drugs or treatments. For patients not covered by health insurance, breast cancer treatment typically costs $15,000-$50,000 or more for a mastectomy or $17,000 to $35,000 or more for a lumpectomy followed by radiation.”

New cancer drugs are being approved at a fast pace.  Numerous are approved each year and new drugs are constantly in trial and in the pipeline to be FDA approved. In the past, these drugs might cost around $10,000 for a year’s treatment. But newer studies have found that newly-approved cancer drugs carry price tags between $120,000 and $170,000!  One of the drugs I take as part of my daily cocktail, is a newly FDA approved drug called Ibrance… for heavily pretreated ER+ metastatic patients.  It has worked wonders for me but a month supply of this drug is over $12,000.  I am blessed to have good coverage, but not all people are as fortunate.

“Depending on the individual case and the type and number of treatments needed, the total cost of breast cancer treatment, on average, can reach $100,000 — or, in advanced cases, $300,000 or more. This includes the cost of the chemotherapy drugs, additional drugs to help manage side effects, administration of the drugs and medical care for chemotherapy-related complications.”

And again, if you are anything like myself and are living with a metastatic diagnosis, treatments and care is endless with no foreseeable light at the end of the tunnel.

😔😫😫🎗🎗🎗🎗🎗🎗🎗🎗🎗🎗🎗🎗🎗🎗🎗🎗🎗🎗🎗😔😔😫

WHY IS IT SO EXPENSIVE???

The never ending list of cancer expenses looks a little something like this:

 🎗Frequent doctor visits with surgeon, radiologist, oncologist.  I personally see my oncologist once every 3 weeks and check in with my surgeon every couple of months.

🎗Lab Tests.  This includes blood tests, urine tests and more. I get my labs done every few weeks when I see my oncologist to check my levels and tumor markers.

🎗Clinic visits for treatments. When I was on IV treatment I would be in the treatment center every few weeks.  Currently I take an oral chemo and only have to be in the treatment clinic once every few months for my Lupron injection. But many people are in the treatment clinic, daily or weekly to get their infusions and injections.

🎗Procedures for diagnosis or treatment. Such procedures can include biopsies, room charges, equipment..  I’ve had a few biopsies and had to get lung taps done frequently when I had lung mets.

🎗Imaging Tests. These tests include X-rays, CT scans, MRIs and PET scans which may mean separate bills for radiologist fees, equipment and any medicines used for the test.  These tests are extremely costly too…yikes!  I get PET/CT scans every 3 months, consistently for the past 6 years now.

🎗Radiation Treatment  (implants, external radiation, or both) I have never had radiology but as we know, it’s a very common treatment for most cancers.

Drug🎗 Costs. (inpatient, outpatient, prescription, non-prescription and procedure-related) The cost of chemotherapy drugs is crazy!

🎗In-Home Nurse Care (if you need it, and I do actually, yes) and its freaking insane how much these so called "nurses aids -assistants" want an hour!!

Hospital 🎗Stays. This can encompass many types of costs such as drugs, tests and procedures as well as nursing care, doctor visits and consults with specialists. I have been admitted twice, each time for a week stay for cancer related issues.

🎗Surgery. Costs can accrue from surgeon, anesthesiologist, pathologist, operating room fees, equipment, medicines…  I have had 3 lumpectomies and 2 other surgical procedures related to my cancer diagnosis.

🎗Fertility.  If you are blindsided and diagnosed in your 20’s or 30’s with a cancer diagnosis and want to have a family, freezing your eggs is an option, but a costly one.  You will be required to pay for tests, and medications leading up to the surgical procedure to remove your eggs.  I paid about $10K out of pocket to cover the cost of freezing my eggs.

While these are examples of the clinical costs associated with cancer, there are other adjustments you may want to make that will also prove to be costly.  I personally changed my diet and started to eat all organic foods and sought integrative therapies to add to my clinical regime.  You can read more about the therapies I have incorporated here.  All of these expenses add up and certainly are a financial strain.

🎗🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟And of course we need to pay... Rent, heat/hydro, car/transportation/ambulance bills , always bills bills bills billsssss.....and wifi/internet/television/mobile phone znd/or tablet or computer and gaming systems... camera.....im z girl so clothes..makeup,(I'm thrifty ricky tho) and always last, maybe maybe get sweets healthwise branded cookies or some type of peanuts(unsalted).

I never get go, go nowhere, do anything, get a coffee from a coffee shop, i can't afford to do just about anything a normal individual such as yourself yourself would do, i just cannot do it its not in my budget ... I currently own ONE lipgloss, and one broken eye liner , that is my makeup beauty kit, who the heck wants to even go out or take pictures thenn? Ugh....

Www.paypal.me/believeitxxnot is the link to the Cancer Fundraiser🎗the email for it is believeitornot.ripley.tv@gmail.com

Anyways, do not feel bad for me. I am here to service YOU for ever I know this . TY so much ily guys , please please if you will not donate to my awfully painfully really urgent cause then PLEASE SHARE POST ..... BOOOST POOOOST !! PLZ !! XOXO

I need the supporters !! Yo yo ! DOOOONAAAATEEEEE!!

A n y t h i n g h e l p s m e r i g h t n o w , p l e a s e ! ?

[unproduciblesmackdown]

6:15am Gripes Post lads!! 🥂

im in one of those things where something innocuous bugs me for days b/c its just a personal irritation...i saw something for like a book or a game on twitter & it was like “this is about being a teenager” and it looked like it was about the kind of teenagerdom where you hang out with your friends after school & have a few romantic partners where it doesn’t all go smoothly because youre both inexperienced and havent figured things out enough to have a really healthy mature relationship but its complicated and there’s good things in there too so its all just a mixed bag and classic teenager

anyways theres nothing wrong with that in and of itself of course but i dont like getting what is a specific narrative conflated with a universal narrative...i.e. while that might be a common experience, being 13-19 isnt defined by that kind of usual teenage experience checklist. i mean, everyone who’s been a teenager has an experience in that time which must also be a teenage experience you know. and of course mine happens to be the kind that was nothing like the being out late with friends and having awkward date moments of bewilderment and figuring out who you are and all

i dont love to be reminded that theres a specific narrative thats meant to describe the General Universal Experience, when thats not my experience. what does that make my experience, and by extension, me

like i already feel invalidated enough by the course my life happened to go, i dont need a reminder that it was supposed to go This Way actually, and if it didnt then are you even a real person. and theres a ton of ways peoples lives could differ in major ways from whatever idea of whats universal that are also different from mine, so i dont know how not to be a bit annoyed from that angle either. i dont know its like....i guess ~Adolescence~ is especially treated as some flat, formuleic, predictable time in life where everyone is simple and shallow when its all really the opposite. its as complex and varied as ever and so are teenagers & people are completely wrong to act like teens are all just self centered immature kids—and not only wrong to do so but actually writing off really serious issues that affect teens as like “angst!!” or whatever...lord

anyways so i was like actively suicidal from like 14? 15? i say “was” when its just more like “have been,” but anyway. theres that part, and i didnt go to high school, which im sure would be for the better for anyone, and i wasn’t interested in dating anyone & also didn’t, and i was kind of having a version of the Universal Teen Story in that i was getting to be away from home for weeks at a time with only a weekend back every now and then (and breaks between semesters) and doing so finally let me like, even start to be a person who could exist outside the hellzone of my house. which made going back home for say, long summer breaks increasingly laden with friction. teens and their spats with parents right!! but actually it was that my situation was abusive & i had to figure that out on my own & in the meantime i did think i must be doing something wrong in trying to feel like i actually had the right to my own identity, because i must be doing something wrong if it makes me get along with my parents less. and really the idea that teens are just angsty & rebellious & argumentative was further damaging b/c i trivialized my own abuse as i always had (b/c all i had to go on was that it must be normal) & blamed myself for not succeeding in this impossible situation. it was really Not the universal experience even with the conflict and identity questions and growing familial pains

also i still had few friends, but i at least had a bit more room to Do Shit than at home. idek how to say how isolated i was for the entire like, well most of my life but a tiny bit less so during college. i had campus & a 1.5 mile radius and occasional trips and stuff, and being able to just do things as i wanted. at my parents house, the location made it so you couldnt really walk anywhere, and our town didnt really have a lot of hangouts anyways, and i didnt have any friends really. i did get a few from school and friendly acquaintances but i would rarely see any of them outside school, and that was mostly only middle school anyways. i was on the fringe even in preschool, which i imagine helped w how i read all the time at school and at home. and home and the abuse and having nowhere else to be also had to contribute to how i live in my head, i have to guess. i dont mind that, my head is great. but other people think im weird and in terms of being someone who grew up exposed to long term trauma & bad attention & memory & an awful lot of pretty specific things seem to align w autism but if i mention that ppl (irl) like to talk abt how well really everyones autistic in SOME ways (which well they arent unless you want to have a huge talk abt the entire field of what it means when usually nt ppl define Disorders) anyways the point is that i also dont trust people much because theres a slight history of taking a chance on ppl who seem interested in being friendly w/ me only to turn around & realize i was being laughed at to a degree for things that were just part of how i personally socialize, thanks. but not all of it. ive met some really solid people. but im not that eager to meet people as im wary of a lot of them & my instincts are usually justified when i take a dislike to somebody. and ive just never been in a position to make or have a lot of friends. and that sucks, coz the few times ive been able to be around multiple people i like is always a lot of fun, usually the result of some roadtrip or special occasion or something and very short lived. i WISH i’d had a period of constant access to a friend group, that i couldve left my parents house and had somewhere to go anytime i felt like it, that i had people i could do things with and all. i dont need adventure, i like parking lots and just doing nothing but hanging out and all, but that didnt happen. i was stuck in my parents house & i didnt even think i had maybe been cheated out of anything & maybe i wasnt just a inferior quality person until i started to figure out for myself around 18 that i might actually be abused, and it took me another couple of years to really believe that i didnt deserve it

and i mean still i didnt just take an “alternate route” to the same endpoint everyone else did. i cant do buzzfeed quizzes about You And Your BFF / Friend / Friend Group coz i cant even fake my way through them. i know i have an identity and am as much a person as anyone but i know that the chances to explore life that are supposed to be Common and Universal werent available to me, and that who i am as a person, aka a normal one, not a terrible one, was info i didnt know for most of my life and had to figure out on my own. and im still figuring out on my own, because shits never exactly been okay yknow

anyways my experience may be “worse” but its not lesser or less real or valid or makes me less of a person because i didnt get to do it your way. idk

tldr it annoys me like thanks for reminding me ive never got to have friends even though that’s still one of the few things i’ll feel bad about b/c i know just how much that hurts me & how much ive missed my fleeting chances to have a micro taste of what that couldve been like. and for a reminder that whats considered Real Full Person’s Experience is so default it doesnt even need modifiers, & so what does that make me if it doesnt apply at all?

funny how much an throwaway almost joke of a sentence bugs me but thats how it goes huh

[primordus]

A VERY DESCRIPTIVE & DETAILED PROFILE OF YOUR CHARACTER. Repost with the information of your character, including headcanons, etc. If you fail to achieve some of the facts, add some other of your own! When you’re done, tag 15 other people to do the same!

hi hi! i got tagged by @mistbeing %^)!

here comes a bad lemon

“I will carve our names into the divine’s gaze- we will become permanent. Why? Because it is what we all deserve. What I deserve.”

NAME: Sylloqui- “The Architect”

AGE: 10 years old

SPECIES: Sylvari

GENDER: Cis Female

ORIENTATION: Lesbian

INTERESTS: Her work (things related to the unknown, scouting talent, etc.), puzzle-solving, party-going/barhopping, fashion, jazz (listening to it)

PROFESSION: Currently the lead dignitary of an independent group cartographing the Mists as it’s front. Behind sponsors eyes, Sylloqui influences trusted members towards locating the Hall of Heroes.

BODY TYPE: Lithe

EYES: Wine and gold

HAIR: A twine of willow and thick, swampy leaves tossed to the side over her shoulder. Their shape is (relatively) maintained by gold vines

SKIN: Pale gray

HEIGHT: 5’5- 5’7-8 with heels depending

WEIGHT: Around 130lbs

COMPANIONS:

Orvantes- Sylloqui’s highest confidante, and first to follow her cause. While diametric in personality to her, the two circled each other’s ethics- a perpetuated challenge that bolstered their work together. When Orvantes left the organization after a near-death experience in an unstable fractal, their relationship strained. Still disagreeing with his now safer pursuits in the Priory, she keeps a close eye on his career- after all, he was never meant to survive.

Ethiron- In another timeline, Sylloqui had almost reached the Hall of Heroes. In this timeline, Sylloqui had surrounded herself with brilliant minds- one of these was Ethiron. As a chronomancer who specialized in halting time, his input (and varying cryptic warnings) were invaluable. Destabilizing a rift into the Mists to achieve Sylloqui’s goals, the magic influence was too great- to prevent an inter-dimensional meltdown, Ethiron paid the price with his life. In another Tyria- our present- Sylloqui becomes aware of his unwilling sacrifice. She seeks Ethiron out, under the guise of amending past mistakes.

(Others)- Wisppe (Orvante’s adoptive daughter!), Pyrrha Tae (is aware of)

(Others (Not my OCs)- Elias Lonetravel, Tadgh

ANTAGONISTS:

Uberos The Faceless- Uberos is the gatekeeper. A protector of the Mists. The immortal beast that prevents Sylloqui’s goals from becoming reality. Tirelessly, Uberos chases those who try to cut the threads of time, or understand what shouldn’t be understood. In some way, Uberos has been perpetually responsible for Sylloqui’s failures in other timelines, and halts her progress in the now. She stands against the legend.

THE MISTS ITSELF- NATURE!!! THE WORST ANTAGONIST OF THEM ALL

(Others)- Ulzzo (bungled their work over unintentionally), uh, people that disagree with her

(Others (Not my OCs)- Hagan Skipshot, Nico

COLORS: Green, pink, gold, and teal

SMELLS: Perfume, oakmoss, and smoke.

FRUITS: Blackberries, Tangerines, prunes, and olives. Anything citrus or bitter.  

DRINKS: Wine, heavy coffee, specific herbal teas. Isn’t usually a fan of anything that doesn’t have a lot of flavor.

ALCOHOLIC BEVERAGES? Yes / No / Occasionally

SMOKES? Yes / No / Occasionally

DRUGS? Yes / No / Occasionally

HISTORY:

Sylloqui had always wanted to be apart of something larger than herself. Without a wyld hunt, she fit herself into impossible spaces at a young age- and found an interest in The Six- the human gods. The Six were powerful, and changed the world- but never existed in sylvari’s time. Seeking every way imaginable through ambition to find where the gods had gone, she landed on the center of the Mists: The Hall of Heroes. Devoting herself in full to its pursuit, her trail began as finding proof. She gathered the like-minded under a waterfall of glory-seekers and promises.

Slowly, failed attempts and time diluted her purpose. Sylloqui began to take more and more risks- resources gone into breaking apart Tyria to find the Mist’s core. With rifts gone open and notoriety gained, Sylloqui’s work has gone into the underbellies of wealth for funding. Presently, she no longer wants to be apart of this Tyria at all, and glides through the Mists for days at a time, mapping what is always changing. What lied in the Hall of Heroes, now? Gods, or a magical graveyard? Though she will not admit it, she is growing desperate. Her last options have left her scrying into the past and future, into different outcomes. She will learn from them. She will see the glass at her feet and gilded wings bowing in applause.

She has to.

-

(im tag whoever wants to do this :v9)

[connorrenwick]

Design Milk Travels to… Zürich, Switzerland

Coming back down from the bucolic, “the hills are alive” splendor of my adventures in the Swiss Alps, expectations were tempered arriving in northern Switzerland’s most famous lakeside city. How would any urban experience match the alpine dreams of crystal clear glacial lakes and (literally) breathtaking altitude I had just woken up from? But Zürich has a way of steadily imparting its appeal, especially in summer, when the entire populace seems to glow with the conscious confidence they’re living their best life. Soon enough, the city famous for its extravagant and upscale shopping, medieval architecture, renowned chocolatiers, and glorious waterfront lifestyle will have you imagining what it might be like making a home in one of the world’s most liveable cities.

WHERE TO STAY

The lobby of the Hotel Helveti \\\. Photo: Hotel Helvetia

The Hotel Helvetia is our favorite type of place to stay at: casual and unfussy, yet appointed with enough details to make your time there feel like the exception, rather than the rule in life. The heart of the city is only a short walk from the hotel’s doors, with both the Museum Haus Konstruktiv and Old Botanical Garden just across the bridge, making it an easy jumping off point for days while acquainted with Zurich.

Photo: Hotel Helvetia

The hotel’s main rooms were designed by local interior designers Atelier Zurich, with the contemporary pastel painted interiors a collaborative effort between Leopold Weinberg and architect Nele Dechmann.

The Scandinavian vernacular makes the absence of things feel like an addition in service of comfort. \\\ Photo: Hotel Helvetia

Each of the rooms riff playfully off the hotel’s historic Art Nouveau facade, with 35 rooms and two luxury business apartments on the attic floor to choose from (ask for a room overlooking the nearby River Sihl if you like to people watch). The interior decor at first may seem just north of spartan, but you’ll then notice they furnished your room with a handcrafted Hästens Luxuria mattress.

Photo: Hotel Helvetia

Photo: Hotel Helvetia

The Atlantis by Giardino is situated a little further from the beaten path, and for that reason we wholeheartedly recommend this mountainside hotel adjacent to the Zurich’s Uetliberg for anyone who likes to return from days spent in the city to accommodations of luxe civility.

Photo: Atlantis by Giardino

Photo: Atlantis by Giardino

That’s not to say the hotel is sleepy; with a history tied to the likes of guests like Grace Jones, Freddie Mercury, and Frank Zappa, you know this post-war modernist hotel operates within the realm where partying and privacy both hold court.

Downstairs the 2 Michelin stars awarded Ecco Zürich makes the promise of a memorable meal a surefire bet. \\\ Photo: Atlantis by Giardino

Photo: Atlantis by Giardino

Photo: Atlantis by Giardino

Photo: Atlantis by Giardino

The 92 rooms and suites of the Atlantis by Giardino do a convincing job of keeping guests willingly within their rooms. Decorated with an eye for the timeless by London-based hospitality design firm Gallery HBA, appointments include plush sofas custom-made by Molteni, with some rooms offering balcony views of the mountains in the distance, others of the cityscape just below. Comfort here is always appointed on the right side of class.

Design collective Monoplan is credited for updating the 1960s Hotel Atlantis architecture originally designed by architects Hans and Annemarie Hubacher and Peter Issler.

Notable mentions: Engimatt Hotel \\\ EMA House \\\ Hotel Zuri

WHERE TO SHOP

Zurich is a pleasantly walkable city, dotted with numerous opportunities for shopping along the famous luxury lane of Bahnhofstrasse and medieval Altstadt (Old Town). Perhaps indicative of the infamous high cost of living here, even the most touristy of spots are mostly free of cheap tchotchkes sellers.

Exploring the numerous narrow pedestrian cobblestone alleyways and stairs offers incentive to ditch the map and get yourself lost (the city center is easy to navigate thanks to the water and other architectural landmarks always offering a hint which way you should be going), and you’ll find yourself enjoying unplanned detours here and there for just a peek around the corner. One of our favorite shops in Zurich is also perhaps the smallest: Afrod’or, a sliver of a store dedicated to African designs.

Photo: Gregory Han

The Museum of Zurich University of the Arts was high on our list of design destinations in the city. With four collections representing Design, Graphics, Decorative Arts, and Poster composed of over 500,000 objects, it’s a designer’s paradise. Unfortunately, traveling for work rather than leisure meant our schedule dictated only the briefest of drop-in at the end of the day. Fortunately the museum’s gift shop was still open on our last evening, and any disappointment was washed away by the gift shop’s inspiring display of books and posters for sale.

Photo: Gregory Han

The Museum of Zurich University of the Arts \\\ Photo: Gregory Han

It’s nearly impossible to miss the towering container shop dedicated to all things Frietag – the perpetually popular purveyor of functional bags and accessories fashioned out of used truck tarps. Located in Zurich’s Industriequartier, you can see the assemblage of recycled shipping containers from a mile away. We recommend the flagship shop as a late afternoon destination; ascend up the tower of shipping containers and then come back down for a hearty communal meal with hundreds of locals in the adjoining outdoor dining garden.

Photo: Gregory Han

Photo: Frietag

Located in the heart of Zurich’s old town, at the Spiegelgasse near Neumarkt, LIMITED STOCK dedicates its selection to small batch, artisan crafted products with an emphasis placed upon functionality – everyday objects that aren’t merely coveted, but beloved because you’ll use them.

Photo: Limited Stock

Photo: Limited Stock

If your interests steer toward architecture, swing inside Hochparterre – Books on Architecture to check out both local and global publications and books dedicated to the field of architecture (just remember to consider the weight of any books you might purchase.)

Photo: Hochparterre

Photo: Fabrikat

Notable mentions: Fabrikat \\\ Soeder \\\ Viu Eyewear \\\ Im Viadukt

WHERE TO VISIT

During summer the inviting waters of Lake Zurich attract legions of locals to the waterfront where the handsome population bathe in both elements of water and light. As a tourist, it’s a great opportunity to promenade with a scoop of ice cream in hand, or drop into a lakeshore eatery for a bratwurst and beer before making way to several nearby sites.

We were taken aback by the retro-futuristic architecture near the shoreline of Lake Zurich. Locals explained it was merely a “medical office”. \\\ Photo: Gregory Han

With its colorful angularity parked upon a lawn of green, the Pavillon Le Corbusier gives all appearances of an enormous modernist dollhouse, and half the fun is journeying upward by the building’s center staircase and outdoor ramp. The final building designed by Le Corbusier, the exhibition pavilion was designed entirely according to the Modulor system, an anthropometric scale of proportions devised by Le Corbusier based on the human body and the golden ratio. The rooftop deck is an especially comfortable vantage point to take in many of the structural and site specific details of the pavilion, a shaded architectural oasis.

Tourists converge at the Pavillon Le Corbusier in waves during the middle of the day, so get here early or late in the day to enjoy the exhibitions and tour the building without the crowds. \\\ Photo: Gregory Han

The most memorable trips are painted by reminiscence of places and faces met unexpectedly. And so it was during a walk into the adjoining suburban neighborhood across the waters of Lake Zurich when we spotted a flora-lined path leading upward into the Botanical Garden of the University of Zurich, the home to 7,000 different plant species and a trio of dome-shaped greenhouses hosting the ecosystems of tropical mountain forests, tropical lowland rainforest, and tropical drylands within.

A trio of greenhouses at the Botanical Garden of the University of Zurich \\\ Photo: Gregory Han

Photo: Swiss National Museum

Notable mentions: Museum für Gestaltung \\\ Swiss National Museum \\\ Maschinenfabrik Oerlikon (MFO Park)\\\ Enea Tree Museum

FINAL THOUGHTS

Photo: Gregory Han

Zürich has a reputation as an expensive cosmopolitan destination, but it’s also dotted with a multitude of affordable museums, parks, and other public spaces interconnected by walkways, buses, and trains. Life here seems to unfold as fast or as slow as you want, with the city’s historic landscape living harmoniously with its contemporary attractions. It is expensive here, but the price of admission to a life less ordinary – even if for just a few days – seems reasonable once there.

If you’re fortunate enough to be making your way to Zürich soon, note the second annual Design Biennale Zurich opens this week. This year’s biennale focuses on the theme play, with the entirety of Switzerland represented as a design playground, with design projects and installations representing various disciplines, including: algorithmic music, analog scientific models, digital craftsmanship, intelligent textiles, interactive everyday products, collaborative design, material experiments, urban utopias, and virtual reality.

If you’ve traveled to Zürich, Switzerland and have any additional favorite spots or recommendations for first time visitors, let us know below so we can share (and also check it out ourselves the next time we’re there).

via http://design-milk.com/

from WordPress https://connorrenwickblog.wordpress.com/2019/08/28/design-milk-travels-to-zurich-switzerland/

[overcomingdepression101]

Why we become addicted depressed and anxious, what it does to our mind, and how to overcome it

Ive been considering all these topics as of late. For the past two years now Ive felt overwhelmingly depressed, apathetic, and lethargic towards life. Most notably of all the depressive symptoms though, my focus has deteriorated, that I find it hard to maintain visual focus on any one thing. At the start of the depressive cycle, reading was impossible, and even now continued visualization is difficult. I find myself regularly pulled out of the imagined scenario. Its odd though. Its not like I lose the drive to maintain focus and then all of a sudden im putting the material down and shifting to a different task. Its as if my mind itself has ceased to see any true value in continuing the action. Ill be in the middle of reading a page, and then without warning, my mind will have shifted focus. It will reflect on something in my life. Generally it will bring up a past memory that has some degree of lament to it and start creating a fictional instance around the memory or the projection of a person; an argument that could have been had, lovelorn words that could have been spoken, experiences that  could have been shared, hell, sometimes it will be a want to discuss the material im reading with someone that I once had feelings for and will begin to build a feeling of self importance as a result of having those conversations. Afterwards I feel discouraged, realizing, especially in the ladder case, that any intellectual validation or merit or strength that could have been ascertained from the actual activity of reading was undermined by delving into the fantasy.

Thats the strange thing about this focuses lack actually. A lot of the time, I will fantasize about doing or responding to what I am doing. The ultimate value underlying the digression actually being completing, with clarity and competence, the activity at hand. And yet my mind continues to wander away from the task at hand, inhibiting me from actually learning or appreciating or involving myself in what Im doing.

So, as of this point, Im sure you're wondering where the question about the reward center of the brain comes in. Well, we generally understand that the reward center of the brain, when primed and matured and uninterrupted, will release dopamine, the pleasure center of the brain, to influence the body to continue this action; chemical positive reinforcement. In doing this, the body is habituated to pursue self actualizing behavior. Yet, in my instance, there is some recognition that my mind desires to pursue the self actualizing behavior, but something always gets in the way.

I shouldn't say something. im more aware of the mechanism than that. Its actually a who. An ex. A woman I believed to be the love of my life, potentially soul mate. To a certain extent I maintain some of these beliefs. But I am become more suspect of them as time progresses and as I learn more about the interactions of drugs on the mind. Let me explain.

This relationship had a good deal of drug over the course of its duration. But there was one experience, the day I’d say the relationship really began and also an event that Im begin to hold more and more accountable for my current state of mind, that I accredit more than any other. On our first true date. This woman and I went to a music festival together and took MDMA. This experience was prefaced by three dates, a growing belief that I had never prior met someone who was so like me, the first true wisps of love as a legitimate feeling, and an intense sexual attraction. To say little of the experience other than what is necessary, I have never felt so much mental, physical, or spiritual affirmation in period of time. I can only imagine that my body was flooded with an unparalleled amount of dopamine.

The day after, in an unexpected and tragic way, the relationship flourishing was cut short, but continued on and off for the next few months. During this period of time, whenever I was in her presence, I felt more intelligence and focus flood my mind than at any other time. But that to was quickly diminishing as I got further from the events of the festival.

We know that stimulant drugs and psychoactive drugs have a cerebrally stimulating effect. There are studies that demonstrate that the mind is more active and acute while under different influences. Marijuanna, Nicotine, Cocaine, MDMA, etc. We also know however, that there are near degenerative effects to these substances if used over a period of time. The general consensus explaining this phenomenon revolves around the brains pleasure response mechanism. When we are doing something that intellectually validating and we combine it with an external chemical that causes a release of dopamine which is the neurotransmitter that enables focus and memory, we ar enhancing our minds capabilities to learn because we are flooding it excessive amounts of dopamine. However, over time, the body becomes reliant of external chemicals for the same dopamine release, self regulating as it is. Beyond that, the chemicals wheres away at our minds ability to producedopamine, eventually leading to a reduction in overall production, even while in the presence of the substance. If the substance is removed all together though, then the relative level of dopamine in the mind is comparatively less than a mind that has abstained, leading to the neurodegenerative process we've seen.

Certain substances cause such an elevated release of dopamine, that production is hampered for months or even years after use. MDMA is an example of a drug that produces this effect. While the research discussing the phenomena is heavily politicized, there is still evidence suggesting that MDMA at worst is neurotoxic and at best still cause a significant decline is available dopamine for sometime after use.

Knowing both of these facts, I began to consider what that dopamine drop would look like if it cooccured with high levels of oxytocin present in the mind, I.E. what if someone were in love and also released an immense amount of dopamine? Would the effects be even more drastic? Would they be noticeable? In a mind that was still demonstrating significant levels of neuroplasticity as an adolescent, could this lead to severe long term damage.

Before going further into detail, its also important to note that the effective of substance on the adolescent mind are well researched and documented. Long term substance problems are usually the result of adolescent consumption and that generally speaking is a result of an alteration to the reward mechanism inside of the brain. “The brain regions and neural processes that underlie addiction overlap extensively with those that support cognitive functions, including learning, memory, and reasoning. Drug activity in these regions and processes during early stages of abuse foster strong maladaptive associations between drug use and environmental stimuli that may underlie future cravings and drug-seeking behaviors.” (Gould) Gould’s paper elaborates on this in significantly more depth but in laymen's terms, while our brains would normally get hard wired to reward us with dopamine if we pursued altruistic behavior or things that were generally good for us, substance abuse in minors rewires the brain so those chemicals are released when the drug is present in the body. Learning, memory, and focus are all hampered as a result of this wiring and as such, instead of pursuing things that benefit our wellbeing, we pursue the drug.

This has many different implications, especially when considering the nature of focus in the recovering addicts mind. But prior to that, it also brings up a bevy of other questions. How many uses of substance are necessary to rewire the brains reward circuitry? What are the varying degrees of circuitry rewiring that exist; more to the point is there a way to create a spectrum for the varying degrees of learning deficiencies and rewiring behaviors? Can other chemicals that act of neural circuitry behave in a similar way: love, sugar, validating external mediums (social media for example).  If so, or even if not, when this manifests in a person what is the actual psychological process and experience of deteriorated learning and focus look like? Is the process reversible to any degree? What is the method of reversing the cognitive deficit? And lastly, is there any way to ascertain a general time based on treatment behaviors?

I opened up this line of question because after reflecting on may experience, I do believe the co-occurence of love and MDMA in my system made me truly addicted to the presence and validation of a person. Realizing that the a-priori consideration of my mind, even when pursuing things I found generally enjoyable for two years post experience, was to try and validate it to this other, made me realize just how deep rooted this type of addiction could be. I will note that I did have experience with other substances prior to this point in my life, and as an adolescent, but they were minimal at best, and never as irreversible or as all consuming as this singular experience.

I have been completely clean of any substance (alcohol and tobacco included) for over three months now. I am emerging from a period of intense depression and anxiety and on a daily basis I still live with a mind that is fractured and quick to recall and past ill, grievance, misgiving, or yearn. But through a strict lifestyle of regular meditation, exercise, sobriety, and presence, I am making real headway in overcoming the anxiety behaviors. More-over, having spent the majority of the past year deeply researching mental disorder, anxiety, and depression in a functional sense, I feel like i understand the disease better than ever and what type of mental schemas and behaviors lead into it.

To preface a lot of what Ill be talking about, i believe that anxiety and depression are a result of biological traits, chemical presence, and behavior. That said, having been deep into the pit of both depression and anxiety, having lost all my mental faculties and general feelings of pleasure for the world, I dont think these feelings are permanent, or genetically predisposed to hamper you your entire life. Many people overcome these trying disorders, even with long family histories present with the condition or even after long periods of drug abuse.

I started writing when I became stricken with fear that I would never get my mind back, I would never achieve the intellectual or potential filled heights I could have prior to making the decisions I made, and I would never get over the addictions I faced (the girl and the substances that had destroyed my life). Im getting close to the other side though. I can see with clarity how it will happen. And Im going to articulate each step.

Im doing this so i can have a written record for myself more than anything. I want to know how I emerged from such a pit in case it ever happens again. As a result, this is one part journal, one part help guide. Sometimes the writing will be messy. Sometimes it will be more personal than universal; in those instances, ill try and qualify what I say. But know that I always write recognizing that each struggle with depression and anxiety is incredibly personal. The demons that haunt and pester us all have their own back stories; stories so powerful they would have to be lived to truly be understood. I will never pretend to understand them.

What I do understand is that there are shared characteristics between each experience. I also know there are shared characteristics revolving around many individual’s escapes. I am writing to those experiences. I want to make them understandable, digestible, human too. To regularly in medical writing, you feel depersonalized because its like a prescription bottle is talking to you, in that same sterilized, medical dialogue we expect from a droning oncologist. Not here.

And thats the last thing I understand and really, my point in writing this and giving you a little insight into what I’m thinking, how I’m thinking, and how it relates to my life. Im there with you. Not living your story, but desperately trying to escape a story that has some shared characteristics as your own. I hope we can help each other, grieve with each other, and overcome with each other. This is hell. We know it. This isn't what life should be or has been or could be. We also know that. And with that knowledge in our hearts, let us remind each other. Continually and eternally. And push each other in the direction of clarity and song.

Till next time,

Alex

[soullesscoyote]

All the asks

A: How did you come up with the title to [insert fic]?My process for naming fics is eitherA) a joke name because i can't help myselfB) or a name that just sounds like "yeah that's a fitting title name"B: Any of your stories inspired by personal experience?Plenty! I try to follow the rule "write what you know" in a way to convey maybe something I've experienced, but also use it to write what I don't know about.For example I have a lower middle class family, but to write a more well off family i base it on things I've seen and experienced when younger like those times we got home from the grocery store and that first day with a ton of food and i felt like i wouldnt have to worry about eating a ton of it, or even back when i was younger (7) with a loft bed and having all my stuff organized with a spot in my room had me feel really content with my life where i felt like i had everything i wanted and couldn't ask for more. I had a 3d puzzle of the inside of a frog, an ant farm, a hamster, a framed picture of a praying mantis, a very small binder of pokémon cards, a room painted green and at that age and time felt like my life was really together despite not knowing how to articulate it. It felt like my own personal space that i had control of so to write a well of family i try to write in things that give off a similar feeling of a well put together room except a entire house that way where everything feels like it has its place. If that makes sense.C: What character do you identify with most?In Marble Hornets, Jay Merrick who just wanted to help everyone despite how many time those people tried to kill or hurt him.In Voltron, Keith in terms of not always feeling like I belong in groups and sometimes struggling to understand myself. Also Hunk whos a very caring person with a big heart.In Be More Chill i relate to Jake where in freshman year of high school i worked really hard to be the best in my classes to a point that id cry from stress every night.Jeremy feeling unimportant and more like a background character with nothing really notable about him compared to everyone else.Brooke feeling constantly like she's second best to Chloe and people using her.Christine being unsure of what she wants in life as she nears the last year of high school where she feels like she needs to decide.Rich while unsquipped seeming like he hardly knows how to handle himself in social situations and seeming incredibly anxious without a squip also being a big nerd D: Is there a song or a playlist to associate with [insert fic]?Typically if its a musical depending on viewpoint i listen to songs with those characters in it.In other things its songs that give me a similar feeling to the thing i'm writing (for example i imagine things as color pallets so i try to match them with the colors another thing gives me. Or the corresponding emotion i feel/need to feel as I write a scene.E: If you wrote a sequel to [insert fic], what would it be about?Starting From Square One? The sequel would be more of Rich adjusting to life without a squip and living a pretty happy life with Michael and them going about their lives be it them going to college and struggling or as adults with jobs and trying to figure themselves out during that since i kinda feel like life is constantly a thing of trying to figure yourself out.Out of the tons of Voltron Fics probably more on Keith being glara and the lives/background behind the galra species with how it affects keithIn hu it's hard to say. A lot of them would be hard to find a way to make sequels of but considering Starting From Square one is the only fic i managed make myself work on currently i wouldnt say its impossible to find/make sequels for any of those ficsF: Care to share a favorite hurt/comfort fic?For Be More Chill http://archiveofourown.org/works/11671890/chapters/26267448 Both because its from Michaels viewpoint and it definitely doesn't seem to go out of its way to make Jeremy a monster and make Michaels personality center around hsi panic attack like plenty fics do.G: Care to share a favorite crack fic?I'm not too big on crack fics because i personally love really long fics with character development. (crack fics are good, for me it's just my preference where most of the time i'm not in a huge mood for them) but i know this one has been p funny https://my.w.tt/UiNb/v4KNrRgajJ H: How would you describe your style?Id say i write in whatever sounds right in my mind while i'm reading to fit the mood of what i intend to portray. Its really hard to sayI: Do you have a guilty pleasure in fic (reading or writing)?Already answeredJ: Write or describe an alternative ending to [insert fic].Starting from Square Ones Alternate ending would be it ending where Rich snaps at everyone and it would have a sequel of everyone in the squip squad meeting Rich in college after not seeing him for an entire year. They'd find who took online classes because he didn't want to see anyone and was still pissed and during that time he had gotten several jobs and was barely even supporting himself with how his dad doesnt care for him. (potentially where he may take up selling drugs) and everyone does try to apologize but it takes awhile for anyone to convince Rich they actually mean it.K: What's the angstiest idea you've ever come up with?In Starting From Square One there was a scrapped idea of everyone actually hating rich and him trying desperately to convince them it wasn't his fault he started the fire only when everyone finally does get proof from Jeremy who actually understands Rich's struggle because he had a squip longer Rich hasn't gone to school in well over a week and has goes missing because he's hiding from his dad. L: What's the weirdest AU you've ever come up with?I based one on a dream i had which was like a Xiaolin Showdown, meets high school au, meets almost one pieceLike if you touched these specific items they latched onto you and gave you abilities that typically corresponded to an animal or gave a animals trait to you like enhanced sense of smell, stronger legs for jumping, wings etc. It wasn't fully thought out or planned so it's a very vague idea.M: Got any premises on the back burner that you'd care to share?Im writing bits and pieces of terraverse, its hard but i'm getting somewhere with it! There's others but they're like aus based off dreams that i'm yet to figure out how to explain or develop in a way they make sense.N: Is there a fic you wish someone else would write (or finish) for you?All of them tbhO: How do you begin a story--with the plot, or the characters?Typically plot first and then i'll add characters to match the plotP: Are you what George R. R. Martin would call an "architect" or a "gardener"? (How much do you plan in advance, versus letting the story unfold as you go?)It's a little bit of bothI try to plan in advance but as i write Point A going to Pont B i do find things in the story that unfold as I go and then proceed to go to my planning to find a spot to mention it again later.For example i mainly planned on in Starting From Square One that Rich would have known Michaels older brother from when he was a kid but didnt know his last name therefore didn't know he and Michael were related and as I wrote more in my planning it sort of unfolded as I wrote and became me writing in that Michaels older brother dropped out of college because of how stressful it was and Rich gos to stay with him and that's when he finds out michael and him are brothers.Q: Do you have any discarded scenes/storylines/projects?While writing if i decide suddenly I want to change something I take what i've already written of that version and paste it into a Google doc of scrapped ideas. That way if i can find a chance to implement them in another fic or other point in a chapter even if written differently i can have the general idea for what i may have intended to go off of.R: Are there any writers (fanfic or otherwise) you consider an influence?None in particular but I feel like a little bit of everything I've read and written influences my writing since i always find something somebody may have written i want to implement in a fic.Not like their idea. But small things like reading people write about Michael's parents did influence me to include Michaels parents in my fic. Not the same way they did but it was something i read that had made me stop and realize.I never considered what some of these character's families and cousins and such are thinking as they may hear about this from another viewpoint like Michael’s, Jeremy’s, Rich's, Brooke’s, Chloe's, Jenna’s, or Christine's.S: Any fandom tropes you can't resist?In voltron (before it became canon) i liked a trope that Keith isn't as angry as everyone makes him and actually is just really defensive and afraid of being seen as weak to everyone else because lance seems to constantly go to pick on him for things.In Be More Chill i stand by the Trope Jake is really smart just perhaps Ditzy and gets really excited over something and struggles to pay attention to the other details because of a long theory and research i did with all the extra curriculars jake did paired with his need to be the best. T: Any fandom tropes you can't stand?G o dIn Hollywood Undead stuff I always hated Aron being an unreasonable asshole by default.In Be More ChillJeremy's character being reduced to having been an asshole to Michael because it erases how they were friends for TWELVE YEARS and Jeremy in the bathroom did say "I missed you" TO MICHAEL. Or how Jeremy did have a lot of stressful shit happen to him minutes prior which made him get really defensive over the squip.Everytime people center Michaels personality around his panic attack i love 7 years to my life because they only go as far as Michael hates himself but never even delve into things like how Michael said to Jeremy how he wouldn't be glad to see him after he heard about his research on the squip Kinda like he anticipated Jeremy wouldn't be happy and Michael had a feeling Jeremy wouldn't outright be happy about it.(asks cut me off hold up)

[beyondthebarricadephotos]

Catch 22:

So it is currently 3:16pm as i am typing this and i have just finished the doctors appointments i mentioned in my last update. *I need to backpedal here for a second; In my original update i had briefly mentioned how it's hard just to get out of bed somedays. I don't mean that in the depressive sense that i just don't want to or lack motivation (trust me i've been there and done that). I mean in the physical context where my body genuinely doesn't have the energy reserves left to do more than get up and go to the bathroom or go to the kitchen for food.* So, do you want to know what literal Catch 22 in life feels like? First of all mentally I actually feel the best I have in ages. I really and truly have a lot of plans for several things I want to be doing right now. And being a 23year old logically what runs through my brain a lot of days is "Why am i not doing these things? We got the pancreatitis figured out, whats the hold up here?". Honestly a good bit of the time my mental state tells me I should be out there doing this, this, and this but realistically my body says not just "no" but "Oh H. E. L. L. FUCKING NO". See what I mean by catch 22? Where you're literally caught between mentally wanting to do everything and physically being incapable of doing anything. And you know its bad when even you're cardiologist and both therapists can recognize that it's practically impossible for anyone to be a functioning human being when you're heart rate runs like a never ending roller coaster continually jumping from around 110-180bpm on its own and you have ZERO control over it. What makes it even worse is when everyone (myself included) can agree that a lot of it is an anxiety problem but then the question is 'Well, what is this anxiety stemming from?' Let me answer that for you, NOBODY KNOWS. Because nobody has looking in the place they should have been or they've been blocked of in my head until now. Like, imagine your decorating for Christmas and you finally get to that box of light thats basically just a tangled wad. So you sit there for ages untangling it and you finally think you're getting close to having all of the light strands sorted, right? NOPE. All it take is untangling one more strand for you to get a glimpse and see that the normal lights that go out in the yard arent the only problem here, there's actually and even tighter wad of white icicle lights in the center of all of this. [If you cant tell by now i've been working through a lot of stuff in my head the last couple of weeks.] So what are those icicle lights? Well, let me put it this way: there has always been some sort of stressor going on in my life whether it be my health, outside family problems, school or otherwise, and it wasn't really until right around when I graduated highschool that things started to settle down. It didn't last thought. The thing is i've actually already gone through two other instances in my life where it took doctors forever to figure out the problem. But, each time it was either that, or a broken bone, or just a basic sinus infection it was still something that is fixable, something preventable in the future. But you can't prevent/cure EDS, Sinus Tachycardia, or Auto-Imunne pancreatitis you can only mange symptoms as you get them. Now imagine a human with really bad anxiety in general and severe trust issues from bullying and add in what feels like a cursed immune system. Sounds pretty traumatizing doesnt it? So, without going into details right now, today was both kind of a small breakthrough and a giant leap backwards. What it basically amounts to is those icicle lights........ are PTSD. And those other strands that we've unraveled are just my everyday anxiety problems. Yeah i know, "how could you have PTSD and not know it?" The thing you have to understand with Autism is a lot of emotions and daily occurrence gone unprocessed for me. Its not that im oblivious, my mind is simply not wired to comprehend a lot of social constructs so it just kind of shoves in the back to be dealt with preferably never. And when its something that's progressed and transpired over a lengthy amount of time, digging through all the sticky notes to find the research paper take, well it takes how ever long as it takes. And when you're worrying about other thing digging through old stuff get put on the back burner. This genuinely a new concept for even me but actually just from the little bit of looking into ive been doing it would explain A. LOT. And as for what happens from here honestly, i have no idea. But i can say that while right now it feels like another goddamn traffic standstill in my life, at this point if it is PTSD it's kind of a comforting concept. Which i know sounds weird but it means theres something tangible i can work through with help and hopefully start to get a handle on some of to help ease everything else happening right now. Only time will tell and im in this for the long run, i swear. -JT

[vitalmindandbody]

10 Simple-minded Ways To Heal A Broken Heart

I cant do this anymore.

The terms still reverberating in your ears, ricochetting around until they land like a punch in the gut. Youre instantly transported to a new world, one you didnt know existed before this moment. A world-wide and life without your beloved.

It doesnt feel real. You pinch yourself to wake up from this nightmare, but youre still here, still revolving from this declaration, this revocation of love.

Warm snaps stream down your face until you begin to sob, that terrifying uncontrollable sobbing that leaves you gasping for air. You want to hide away, cry yourself to sleep, and somehow magically feel better tomorrow.

Weve all been here. Or some modification of it. Weve all had our centers cracked and stomped on. Weve all diverted over every moment of our relations in our headings and wondered, What could I have done differently?

But we are now transported into a macrocosm where the love we seemed is grasped away from the americans and dont know what to do with ourselves other than suffers and sorrow our loss.

I recently read a work that briefly touched upon anguish and its advice mostly amounted to go out with your lovers as far as possible. WTF? Thats it? Thats how Im going to heal my mettle? Most of my lovers are scattered in all regions of the world. Becoming out with them every night isnt even a viable option.

How on globe do you turn off those kinds of impressions? What happens to affection lost? How do you mend a broken heart? I decided to investigate how to mend my own shattered heart.

In previous breakups, Ive simply idly fallen into my personal motifs of desire lost. For me, I exclaim, I stay in bed, watch bad tv, chew cookie dough, and hide away from the people who love me. I mainly dont DO anything. I sit and wait.

Because time heals all winds, right? Or does it? If occasion is a construct of our attentions, do “weve been” have to wait for the occur of period, something illusory to mend ourselves? Can we speed up the process of healing our wraps? How much is impossible to ensure our healing through our wars and blueprints?

So, instead of blindly falling into my decorations, I started to ask myself some questions about my habits. Im looking at my structures with enjoying interest, playing with them a little bit, realise what is actually acting me and determining what patterns are there exclusively because of economy, because my memory, form, and nerve are too tired for anything but pattern. And heres what Ive learned

1. Lean Into Sensation

Essentially, everything we know as physical beings comes down to sensation that we name good or bad. When I began to lean into the wizard in my body, requesting what it had to tell me, thoughts began to transform. I asked where the ache lives in my torso. I closed my eyes and supposed symbolizing my excitement. I described what it felt like in writing, how I had to remind myself to breathe and how fascinating the absence of a act- breath and love feels so heavy.

I examined the tightening in my chest, trying not to label it good or bad, just simply as superstar. Human tolerating is predominantly an expression of the results of labeling event as good or bad and right or wrong.

The thing about perception is, its ever changing. It doesnt stay forever. When we change our perspective of know-how merely being a temporary district of existence, it takes service charges out of it, simply through the simple-minded number of observation. In my own experience, the sensation itself tend to change faster the closer I look at it.

By noticing how heavy the fact that there is breath felt, I began to fill my lungs with slower, deeper breaths and learnt my entire being become a bit lighter.

2. Frankie Says Relax

Remember those t-shirts from the 80 s from Frankie goes to Hollywood? Passes out those guys had a good idea.

While this might seem a little bit self-contradictory to simply discovering perception, this practice of tightening your body has slightly different merits. We support so much better tension in our mass on a daily basis, and its even more amplified in times of high-pitched stress.

Make a practice of checking each part of your mas for tension. I like to start out lying down on my back and closing my gazes like I would for savasana. Take a couple of deep sighs, then try to contract and tense up every single muscle in your organization at once. Hold this for got a couple of seconds, then liberate the tension in your whole mas. Repeat a couple of times. I find it helpful to see the comparison in how my person tones between the tension and the relaxation.

Then take it further by slowly checking each part of your form from leader to toe. Tense up an individual muscle group for a moment, then exhaust it. Crinkle your forehead, and handout. Squeeze your eyes tight, and handout. Clench your jaw, and handout. Press your tongue to the ceiling of your opening, then make it hang loose in your mouth.

You get the picture. We all know we view so much friction and stress in our shoulders and backs, but also pay attention to the little neighbourhoods. Tightening the smallest muscle radicals, particularly in my appearance, often prepare the most difficult difference in how I seem afterwards.

3. Move It

Rest is important in mending a middle. But I often situate too much emphasis on it. Yes, I need to take care of myself with sleep and the blessing of stillness. But I now believe it is equally important to move your torso very. The medium of shift isnt important. Just move.

On day one I went to a yin yoga class. While technically moving my body, the needs of the of yin yoga are much less than read a spin class. Yin allowed me to extend my form while still allowing me to appear introverted and my existence internalized which was all I could handle.

On day two I croaked for a four mile walk in the common. I remained my headphones on and didnt talk to anyone, but extended my legs and got plenty of oxygen into my lungs.

This movement is facilitating me hinder some momentum and vigour for other aspects of “peoples lives” I dont want to placed on hold while my centre heals.

4. Reach For A Better Feeling Thought

This one can feel a bit tricky. For starters, the thought of exuberance can feel so far removed from where you are right now. So, start where you are.

If you are depressed, what next best happen can you contact for? Depression is experiencing hopeless, disheartened, retiring. There isnt even any energy around depression. Happiness and desire can feel like a world away from depression.

Can you reach for something that seems slightly better than this powerless desperation? Perhaps hope? Or wrath or storm? Most passions have more vitality behind them than hollow. While temper isnt a situate you want to stay in, it can also stimulus some movement.

What if every day you worked towards an spirit merely one step in future directions you wish to move? Take a look at the Emotional Guidance System scale I formed from Ask and it is Given below. Moving up by one spirit a daylight will put you in a pretty good region in not so long a time.

There is something else to watch out for here. In the midst of my profound bereavement, I have minutes of genuine laugh when I hear something funny. The first few meters it happened, I immediately experienced guilty.

It was as if my feeling good in any way was a disloyalty to my broken heart. My mentality was telling me that if I feel good, its as if I didnt appreciate such relationships as much as I felt I did. Well, that is hogwash. That is my hurt ego talking. My relationship mean and still signifies “the worlds” to me. Tell me be really clear on this point…

If youre having a hard time contacting for a better sensitive conception, try some visualizations. Stay away from thinks about your relationship and cherish. They are very charged topics, so start somewhere easy.

Close your eyes, thought the sentiments of the warm sunlight on your look, and cool breeze on bare shoulders. Dream the flavor of your favorite dinner on your tongue. Dream your abs hurting after a good belly laugh. Improve on this feeling with knowledge from our lives you can draw from. What in your life is full of ease and joy?

5. Surround Yourself With Reminders Of Truth, Beauty, And Love

I have a tattoo on my left forearm that enunciates Love Inspired by a blog upright called the Beauty of the Ellipsis, it serves as a reminder that ardour isnt a finished thinking. It is always in motion, ever deriving. Adoration for myself, my family, your best friend, and those Ive lost.

I have a maple seed necklace to remind me that in every moment Im planting the seeds of my future. I have prisms hanging from my windows for an extra perforate of coloring and rainbows on sunny epoches. I am gradually building a jungle in my house. I fill empty spaces with plants that remind me of life and vitality even on the grayest of days.

Fill your encircles and life with little bits that remind you of what you know to be true, beautiful, and joyful. These neednt be grandiose or expensive, just simply concepts that reverberate with you. Here are some ideas to get you started.

Flowers from Traders Joes. Pinterest board filled with beauty. Follow an inspiring Instagram or Tumblr account. Make or find a mantra. Use Canva to build and print out invigorating paraphrases to embellish your room. Croak for a step and find the perfect stone to bring home. Find a brand-new favorite aroma and spread it around your mansion liberally. Buy new stationary. Treat yourself to a book from Etsy. Draw portrait or stimulating mentions with sidewalk chalk in your vicinity. Find a neighbourhood neighbourhood to make a coffee or tea mug. Alternately, find one that impresses your imagination at Society6. Create an altar or sacred cavity and crowd it with crystals, palo santo, and offerings. Spend day with children. Find reminders of your truism and joy.

These may seem to be insignificant things that are only on the surface, but I find the more I border myself with items that experience whimsical and magical in some small-scale acces, the more Im able to remind myself of how I want to feel in each time. They help me choose to feel glee and magical when I might otherwise choose grief.

6. Self-Care Saturday( Or any era. Or every day !)

We can be quite penalize to ourselves in times of conflict and stress, so take some time to really take care of yourself in some way.

Were all busy and charged with the responsibility, but if you dont take care of yourself first, the main responsibilities can begin to suffer as a result. Im more focused and productive when Ive taken care of my necessities first. I attend to my responsibilities in a bigger and better behavior when my goblet is full , not empty.

Theres a lot of area for reading here as to what self-care consider this to be for each person. While technically, all the suggestions in this article are a species of self-care, I miss “youve got to” block off some time specifically for self-care, mining deeper into what that means for you.

Maybe its taking a long, palatial shower and spending duration pampering yourself with tinctures for your skin that move you feel radiant. It might be spending a duo hours in live animals shelter fondling with puppies and kittens. Perhaps its planning a hot stone rub. Maybe its nourishing your form with vibrant healthy food youve cooked yourself. It might be taking a couple hours to read a book thats been sitting on your nightstand for months.

Tailor your self-care and rotate it into a weekly or even daily ritual.

7. Invest in Yourself

Im willing to bet everyone has something new theyd like to try if merely they had the time, coin, or excuse.

Here is your allow stumble to try that something new.

Did you want to pick up knitting, or perhaps learn to play the guitar? Maybe memorized some bayonet abilities to hoist your prepare? Rock climbing, sky diving, paint, memorizing another language, the possibilities are interminable. You can find a class on just about whatever it is you like online these days.

As progenies, we try brand-new occasions all the time. Its how we discover and change at an exceptional charge. But this slows down as we grow up and our visual field becomes smaller as we narrow down our athletic field. So expand your compass, invest in yourself in some way, and learn something new.

The cognitive requirements of memorizing something new are also welcome to serve as a great pattern of distraction when you need a distraction. Perhaps youll be brought to an end picking up a brand-new hobby, check off another carton on your pail listing, or have a good story to tell.

8. The F wordForgiveness

Ahh, a big creepy one! The topic of forgiveness can be a fiction in itself. Perhaps there is a requirement forgive the actions of your ex, or maybe forgive yourself for your own. Or a combination of both.

We dont always like to forgive people for actions we deem incorrect or unkind because it can feel like we are giving them a free pass. But Ive became aware that maintaining onto exasperation and resentment is always worse. Its a tremendous force suck and you cant find joyful as the same duration “you think youre” feeling justified in your fury. So, I select my own gaiety over my resentment.

Its a choice to make over and over again. Its not easy to forgive in one large-hearted sweeping action. It generally happens in increments. Its helpful to practice radical rapport, vividly dreaming how it feels to be the person who did you wrong. You know most people are essentially doing the best they can with the information they have at each minute. It becomes easier to suppose why they did what they did when you put yourself in their shoes. You begin to feel more empathy for them.

You recognize that the indignation youre accommodating acts no one. And you gradually begin to let it go, piece by piece.

Because forgiveness is not for them, its for YOU.

9. Afford what you wish to receive

I was walking around, detecting like no one loves me, which is totally and completely untrue, but when youre heartbroken, your subconsciou does all kinds of irrational thoughts. I received a pal of mine berth about writing a note of encouragement to a pal, and I wished to be that friend with every fiber of my being. I wanted to open up my mailbox and receive letters of cherish, a validation of the adoration that exists for me.

I expected myself what could I do to feel that adoration? I decided to Pay what I wished to RECEIVE. I started writing words of encouragement and love to pals and strangers alike. All I had to do was write what I wanted to hear, for myself. It was that easy.

This did two things for me.

One, the brain doesnt is the difference between handing, receiving, or even witnessing magnanimity. When you perform an act of kindness, the pleasure and rewards cores light up, releasing feel good chemicals as if you were the recipient, which some psychologists have dubbed the helpers high.

Two, it demo me that we live in a macrocosm of abundance. I dont is a requirement to accumulation away love and kindness to keep it. It actually thrives when I open it away. Its generative. And often, when you demonstrate adore and kindness away, others are inspired to mirror your enjoy and kindness back to you as well as fee it forward to others.

We cannot presume to understand the dominance of the extent of what a few kind words can do for someone and its ripple effect on the world. Win win triumph!

10. Investigate Your Own Patterns

This is by no means a complete list. Merely recommendations of the start of opportunities for your own healing. The biggest occasion you can do for yourself is to get curious, examine your own personal decorations in its own experience of sorrow, and doubt each one.

Hold each one up as they sound and question Does this suffice me?

If the answer is truly yes, keep it. If the answer is no, try something new or the opposite of that first inclination. Play with the brand-new reaction, see if that one provides you better, prepares you feel better both in the present and the long term.

And most important, be gentle with yourself. There are epoch to push your borders, to peruse, and to experiment. But i still have a meter for rest and a is necessary to give. Dedicate yourself the grace to know you are where you need to be when you need to be.

Know that you wont always feel like your centre has been rent out of your chest. Lessen the distance between a shattered heart and a mended middle by experimenting with these alternatives to your motifs. One day youll open your middle again and feel the rushing of falling in love. Youll look into attentions that truly see you and reflect your feeling back to you. And youll be ready for large-scale ardour because youve already done their efforts to heal your middle.

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[samanthasroberts]

Kimbal Musk takes the tech entrepreneur ethos and applies it to food

The younger brother of Elon Musk, CEO of SpaceX and Tesla Motors, shares his same entrepreneurial spirit, but with a family of restaurants and a nonprofit to bring learning gardens to schools around the country

It can be tricky for anyone being the younger sibling, but imagine what it must be like to be the younger brother of Elon Musk, a businessman habitually referred to as a real life Tony Stark.

His reputation seems to get more outsized with each fresh headline. Just this week, the elder Musks company SpaceX filed paperwork asking for permission to use satellites to beam down Internet service from space. Meanwhile, his other high-profile company, Tesla, continues to make advances toward its ambition to make electric cars more ubiquitous. Then there is the fascination with colonizing Mars.

Kimbal Musk, 42, is a year younger than Elon and a very successful businessman and entrepreneur in his own right. But he admits the pair, who grew up in Pretoria, South Africa before moving to Canada to study and then the US, have a slightly different take on the world of business: We have similar views [though] his are stratospheric, while mine are more in the ground.

Food is a dominant theme in Kimbal Musks personal and business interests. He is a health-conscious chef, restaurant owner with his own sense of mission about subjects close to his heart: linking peoples food to their communities and tackling childhood obesity.

In an interview with the Guardian he speaks about his hopes for his food projects – and the inspiration he gets from his brother. The younger Musk, in addition to his work as a philanthropist, investor and entrepreneur, is a board member at Tesla, SpaceX, the Anschutz Health and Wellness Center and Chipotle Mexican Grill.

Ive always loved food, said Kimbal Musk, a co-founder of The Kitchen family of restaurants in Colorado and elsewhere, which make a point of sourcing from local farmers. Growing up, I cooked in the house, and when I cooked everyone would sit down and eat, and it was just kind of the way I connected with my family. I used to throw cooking parties in university. Everyone would come over sometimes youd just do a mac and cheese, but if you do that better than everyone else you can get people to come to you.

Kimbal Musk is gregarious and charming; his brother is intense and technical. Kimbal made millions working at a startup with Elon, and invested in his brothers biggest dreams along the way – and he is no less dogged about chasing a few of his own.

The differences between the things that give the brothers purpose are striking one Musk works to change the world through high-tech inventions, the other is most passionate about food, about teaching people to grow things and preparing meals that help people find a sense of community. Still, the younger Musk turns to a sports metaphor to explain how, different as they are, hes still learned plenty from his brother, whose business interests at times read like the pursuit of turning science fiction into reality.

When you think about basketball, and you watch someone like Michael Jordan play basketball even if youre a baseball player, theres still a lot to learn from there, Musk said. I really think about him more as my brother, to be quite honest. Its kind of a tough question to answer, because hes been so core to my life that its hard to describe specific things.

Elon clearly trusts his instincts, though, in light of the fact that, should he ever become incapacitated in some way, Kimbal is the SpaceX and Tesla trustee whod lead the task of figuring out what should happen with both companies.

Meanwhile, Kimbal has plenty of his own interests to keep him busy. He co-founded The Kitchen family of restaurants in Boulder in 2004, along with Jen Lewin and Hugo Matheson. It has eight restaurant locations today in Colorado as well as an out-of-town location, in Chicago. In addition to plans to expand in Chicago and Colorado, three new locations are on the drawing board for Memphis over the next couple of years.

The Kitchen actually refers to three related restaurant concepts. Theres The Kitchen, the organizations flagship community bistro, and The Kitchen Upstairs, a cocktail lounge with food prepared in a wood oven and artisan cocktails. Rounding out the list is The Kitchen Next Door, a community pub that serves things like burgers, salads, sandwiches, margaritas and beer.

For its Colorado-area restaurants, The Kitchen claims to source $1 million worth of product from local providers. In the Greater Denver area, The Kitchen serves 17,000 guests per week on average.

In 2011, Musk co-founded The Kitchen Community, a nonprofit that works to bring outdoor gardens Learning Gardens, as theyre called to schools around the country. Three years after its founding, the nonprofit had already built 200 such gardens in Chicago, Los Angeles and Colorado schools, reaching more than 120,000 children.

Its a different world entirely from the more fast-paced tech scene in which he once worked with Elon.

Their early partnership followed the younger Musks graduation from high school in Pretoria and decamping to Toronto to reconnect with his brother. Kimbal graduated from Queens College in 1995, the same year the brothers started the Web-based city guide platform Zip2, a venture which Compaq bought in 1999 for $307m. From there, the younger Musk began investing in tech companies, including Elons X.com, a payments venture eventually renamed as PayPal that eBay would snatch up for $1.5bn.

The brothers worlds diverged when Elon decided after some of his early successes to stay in the Golden State, while Kimbal moved to New York City and enrolled at the French Culinary Institute. He was there in 2001 during the terrorist attacks of September 11 and spent six weeks cooking for firefighters at Ground Zero, a formative moment for him.

My intent had been to go back to tech at some point, Musk said. Cooking for the firefighters, it was this just overwhelming sense of community that was created. Its impossible to describe how intense and awesome it was to see everyone doing that. It was simultaneously the best and worst thing that had ever happened to me to see 9/11 and be part of helping bring people together.

Doing that every day for 10-12 hours a day, six days a week, my brain couldnt go back to tech. I determined right there and then to open a restaurant.

He decided that it wouldnt be in New York, turned off somewhat by the intensity of the city. He instead traveled the country with his wife at the time and settled on Boulder, Colorado.

After Musk co-founded The Kitchen, the organization hummed along steadily for a few years. Then came a ski accident in 2010 that Musk calls a near death experience, one that left him hospitalized for months and helped crystallize his thinking about what would come next for him.

A restaurant, hed decided, could indeed be a positive force in its small corner of the world in things like the customers it touches, in the quality of ingredients it uses and in the care of preparation. But it couldnt really scale the ambition that drives so many entrepreneurs like the Musks, who crave big challenges, big wins.

After the accident, Musk said, I sort of got a new lease on life. I said I now have every excuse in the world to do what I want. And you know what? Im going to work on food culture and help food become fun and part of peoples lives again. The traditional restaurant is more commercial-oriented. But I want community through food.

That gave birth to his garden-focused nonprofit, which, when it comes to a new community, looks to plant 100 gardens at a time. The gardens are a combination play space and outdoor classroom that connect children to the process of growing food and give teachers an outlet for hands-on instruction. And The Kitchen Community raises $35,000 for each garden, a cost that includes everything from landscape design to site prep, while the finished garden can include things like internal irrigation, bench seating and curvilinear plant beds.

A mix of foundations and individual donors funds The Kitchen Communitys efforts across the states where its placed gardens. Today The Kitchen Community has more than 225 Learning Gardens in schools across Colorado, Chicago, Los Angeles and Memphis.

Tackling childhood obesity is a big motivation behind the gardens in schools.

When I look at the problem of obesity, its a depressing problem. So how do you create a solution that delights people? We came up with this design – my ex-wife, who Im still friends with, she knows how to create something where you go, Im so glad this is here. I really want to have this in my school. I want to learn here. The gardens, this is a product that really delights people.

In deciding where to take his garden concept next, geographically, Musk says the organization looks for cities that have foundations that can support a concept like this one. His team also looks at schools with districts amenable to the concept.

Not surprisingly, the level of support from one city to the next varies. If youre in a town like Boulder, he points out, theres not much foundation support from a problem like childhood obesity because its not a place where the problem of obesity is especially acute.

Meanwhile, gardens where children grow food while also learning about science, supporting local farmers and vendors, building operations that transform communities through food these are the among the things that occupy Musks mind, the things he wants to spend his money and time on. Innovation and purpose, to entrepreneurs like him, dont always have to involve gadgets and leaps in science sometimes it starts with a thing as mundane as the food we eat.

For me, I like to think in terms of three months out and 50 years out, Musk said. Three months out is what to do now, 50 years out is what Id like to do before Im dead.

If I look back and see specific communities where I made a difference using food, I will pass very peacefully.

Source: http://allofbeer.com/2017/06/23/kimbal-musk-takes-the-tech-entrepreneur-ethos-and-applies-it-to-food/

from All of Beer https://allofbeer.wordpress.com/2017/06/23/kimbal-musk-takes-the-tech-entrepreneur-ethos-and-applies-it-to-food/

[jimdsmith34]

Kimbal Musk takes the tech entrepreneur ethos and applies it to food

The younger brother of Elon Musk, CEO of SpaceX and Tesla Motors, shares his same entrepreneurial spirit, but with a family of restaurants and a nonprofit to bring learning gardens to schools around the country

It can be tricky for anyone being the younger sibling, but imagine what it must be like to be the younger brother of Elon Musk, a businessman habitually referred to as a real life Tony Stark.

His reputation seems to get more outsized with each fresh headline. Just this week, the elder Musks company SpaceX filed paperwork asking for permission to use satellites to beam down Internet service from space. Meanwhile, his other high-profile company, Tesla, continues to make advances toward its ambition to make electric cars more ubiquitous. Then there is the fascination with colonizing Mars.

Kimbal Musk, 42, is a year younger than Elon and a very successful businessman and entrepreneur in his own right. But he admits the pair, who grew up in Pretoria, South Africa before moving to Canada to study and then the US, have a slightly different take on the world of business: We have similar views [though] his are stratospheric, while mine are more in the ground.

Food is a dominant theme in Kimbal Musks personal and business interests. He is a health-conscious chef, restaurant owner with his own sense of mission about subjects close to his heart: linking peoples food to their communities and tackling childhood obesity.

In an interview with the Guardian he speaks about his hopes for his food projects – and the inspiration he gets from his brother. The younger Musk, in addition to his work as a philanthropist, investor and entrepreneur, is a board member at Tesla, SpaceX, the Anschutz Health and Wellness Center and Chipotle Mexican Grill.

Ive always loved food, said Kimbal Musk, a co-founder of The Kitchen family of restaurants in Colorado and elsewhere, which make a point of sourcing from local farmers. Growing up, I cooked in the house, and when I cooked everyone would sit down and eat, and it was just kind of the way I connected with my family. I used to throw cooking parties in university. Everyone would come over sometimes youd just do a mac and cheese, but if you do that better than everyone else you can get people to come to you.

Kimbal Musk is gregarious and charming; his brother is intense and technical. Kimbal made millions working at a startup with Elon, and invested in his brothers biggest dreams along the way – and he is no less dogged about chasing a few of his own.

The differences between the things that give the brothers purpose are striking one Musk works to change the world through high-tech inventions, the other is most passionate about food, about teaching people to grow things and preparing meals that help people find a sense of community. Still, the younger Musk turns to a sports metaphor to explain how, different as they are, hes still learned plenty from his brother, whose business interests at times read like the pursuit of turning science fiction into reality.

When you think about basketball, and you watch someone like Michael Jordan play basketball even if youre a baseball player, theres still a lot to learn from there, Musk said. I really think about him more as my brother, to be quite honest. Its kind of a tough question to answer, because hes been so core to my life that its hard to describe specific things.

Elon clearly trusts his instincts, though, in light of the fact that, should he ever become incapacitated in some way, Kimbal is the SpaceX and Tesla trustee whod lead the task of figuring out what should happen with both companies.

Meanwhile, Kimbal has plenty of his own interests to keep him busy. He co-founded The Kitchen family of restaurants in Boulder in 2004, along with Jen Lewin and Hugo Matheson. It has eight restaurant locations today in Colorado as well as an out-of-town location, in Chicago. In addition to plans to expand in Chicago and Colorado, three new locations are on the drawing board for Memphis over the next couple of years.

The Kitchen actually refers to three related restaurant concepts. Theres The Kitchen, the organizations flagship community bistro, and The Kitchen Upstairs, a cocktail lounge with food prepared in a wood oven and artisan cocktails. Rounding out the list is The Kitchen Next Door, a community pub that serves things like burgers, salads, sandwiches, margaritas and beer.

For its Colorado-area restaurants, The Kitchen claims to source $1 million worth of product from local providers. In the Greater Denver area, The Kitchen serves 17,000 guests per week on average.

In 2011, Musk co-founded The Kitchen Community, a nonprofit that works to bring outdoor gardens Learning Gardens, as theyre called to schools around the country. Three years after its founding, the nonprofit had already built 200 such gardens in Chicago, Los Angeles and Colorado schools, reaching more than 120,000 children.

Its a different world entirely from the more fast-paced tech scene in which he once worked with Elon.

Their early partnership followed the younger Musks graduation from high school in Pretoria and decamping to Toronto to reconnect with his brother. Kimbal graduated from Queens College in 1995, the same year the brothers started the Web-based city guide platform Zip2, a venture which Compaq bought in 1999 for $307m. From there, the younger Musk began investing in tech companies, including Elons X.com, a payments venture eventually renamed as PayPal that eBay would snatch up for $1.5bn.

The brothers worlds diverged when Elon decided after some of his early successes to stay in the Golden State, while Kimbal moved to New York City and enrolled at the French Culinary Institute. He was there in 2001 during the terrorist attacks of September 11 and spent six weeks cooking for firefighters at Ground Zero, a formative moment for him.

My intent had been to go back to tech at some point, Musk said. Cooking for the firefighters, it was this just overwhelming sense of community that was created. Its impossible to describe how intense and awesome it was to see everyone doing that. It was simultaneously the best and worst thing that had ever happened to me to see 9/11 and be part of helping bring people together.

Doing that every day for 10-12 hours a day, six days a week, my brain couldnt go back to tech. I determined right there and then to open a restaurant.

He decided that it wouldnt be in New York, turned off somewhat by the intensity of the city. He instead traveled the country with his wife at the time and settled on Boulder, Colorado.

After Musk co-founded The Kitchen, the organization hummed along steadily for a few years. Then came a ski accident in 2010 that Musk calls a near death experience, one that left him hospitalized for months and helped crystallize his thinking about what would come next for him.

A restaurant, hed decided, could indeed be a positive force in its small corner of the world in things like the customers it touches, in the quality of ingredients it uses and in the care of preparation. But it couldnt really scale the ambition that drives so many entrepreneurs like the Musks, who crave big challenges, big wins.

After the accident, Musk said, I sort of got a new lease on life. I said I now have every excuse in the world to do what I want. And you know what? Im going to work on food culture and help food become fun and part of peoples lives again. The traditional restaurant is more commercial-oriented. But I want community through food.

That gave birth to his garden-focused nonprofit, which, when it comes to a new community, looks to plant 100 gardens at a time. The gardens are a combination play space and outdoor classroom that connect children to the process of growing food and give teachers an outlet for hands-on instruction. And The Kitchen Community raises $35,000 for each garden, a cost that includes everything from landscape design to site prep, while the finished garden can include things like internal irrigation, bench seating and curvilinear plant beds.

A mix of foundations and individual donors funds The Kitchen Communitys efforts across the states where its placed gardens. Today The Kitchen Community has more than 225 Learning Gardens in schools across Colorado, Chicago, Los Angeles and Memphis.

Tackling childhood obesity is a big motivation behind the gardens in schools.

When I look at the problem of obesity, its a depressing problem. So how do you create a solution that delights people? We came up with this design – my ex-wife, who Im still friends with, she knows how to create something where you go, Im so glad this is here. I really want to have this in my school. I want to learn here. The gardens, this is a product that really delights people.

In deciding where to take his garden concept next, geographically, Musk says the organization looks for cities that have foundations that can support a concept like this one. His team also looks at schools with districts amenable to the concept.

Not surprisingly, the level of support from one city to the next varies. If youre in a town like Boulder, he points out, theres not much foundation support from a problem like childhood obesity because its not a place where the problem of obesity is especially acute.

Meanwhile, gardens where children grow food while also learning about science, supporting local farmers and vendors, building operations that transform communities through food these are the among the things that occupy Musks mind, the things he wants to spend his money and time on. Innovation and purpose, to entrepreneurs like him, dont always have to involve gadgets and leaps in science sometimes it starts with a thing as mundane as the food we eat.

For me, I like to think in terms of three months out and 50 years out, Musk said. Three months out is what to do now, 50 years out is what Id like to do before Im dead.

If I look back and see specific communities where I made a difference using food, I will pass very peacefully.

source http://allofbeer.com/2017/06/23/kimbal-musk-takes-the-tech-entrepreneur-ethos-and-applies-it-to-food/ from All of Beer http://allofbeer.blogspot.com/2017/06/kimbal-musk-takes-tech-entrepreneur.html