#but its really hard for me to do anything if i dont focus my 100% at it. immediately

[plasticsandwich]

quick ivy for morale...... gnn

[nyx-is-missing]

SUNSET PART 1

Or early summer!

Clarisse La Rue x Cassandra De Young (oc! Apollo's kid)

Summary: When Cassandra gets involved in a scandal early in the day, she goes to camp early.

Warnings: men....thats all i could think of actualy.

First read this!

Part 2 is here!

Cassandra De Young

Im fucked.

That's it, that's all i can say.

I knew it as soon as my hand reached his face and stinged, as soon as i heard a camera's flash, and as soon as i stepped into my mom's apartment.

Let's just rewind a bit, okay?

My family own a big business, that you already know by now, the thing is, when they reeaally want to do business with someone they go extreme, the most common technique is to get on the good side of everyone in the family, everyone.

They research, pretend to have things in common, to like the same things, to have the same views of life, and to make it more believable they always go for the person who is closest in age with them.

Usually i dont get involved in this situations because im younger than everyone else, the only teen in the family.

The thing is, this family also had someone around my age.

A 18 year old guy.....eighteen.

Let me tell you, i really wasn't going for trouble today, i tought he may be a normal guy, just with a little money, someone i could have a conversation with, drink some coffe, laugh and go back home and think "hey, not so bad"

He.was.not.

All he could talk about is how much money his family had, where he went for winter break, his pure blood horse, that only ate (attention to this one) IMPORTED GRASS.

Overall a huge dick.

But that i could handle, i've met people like this, i could handle a shitty talk for some hours, what i could not handle was having to go through all this with his hand on my knee bellow the table.

And here i was, spending one of my last days of spring being tortured by the fates.

"You're not paying much attention to the conversation are you?" He said, and gods that accent was almost making me want to jump out of a cliff, or push him out of a cliff, both would work.

"Oh sorry i was-"

"No need to apologize, people get bored i know" Not that he did something criminal by not letting me finish my sentence but, my gods every action coming from him its making me want to die right now "Its okay, i could find some way to make you focus"

Okay, im done

"Im gonna need you to stop saying odd shit" I looked him dead in the eye with a bothered look, and by the surprised look he gave me back i was 100% sure nobody ever told him to shut up when he was saying nonsense.

"C'mon, dont be like that-" he said trying to get his hand a little but upwards, and i only realized i slapped him when i felt my hand burning.

"Oh my gods im sorry i-" And then i heard the camera flashes.

Im going to need you to imagine the scene, my hand was still up, his hand was till on his cheek, and he had a scared look in his face, as did most of the people at the fancy coffe shop.

Do i smile now? Strike a pose? This one is definetly getting front pages at every place.

I chose the safest choice, got out of that straight to my house.

No..i did not payed the bill.

The whole way home i was trying really hard to think of something to say that was not going to make my family mad, especially my grandfather, but considering whe has always mad with something, that felt like a impossible mission.

First thing i saw when i opened the door of the penthouse was my mom, standing in front of the television, and sure enough, my face was on it.

She turned to me, but before she could even say something i started to explain myself.

"Its not what it looks like mom, i swear, i didn't do it on pourpose, let me explain please-" i couldnt actually read the look on her face, but she didnt say anything, so  i took that as a go ahead.

When i explained her what happened her face relaxed a bit, but not completely, and she had a look that said your grandpa is getting in my nerves because of this.

"I'll talk to your grandfather about this, but you need to know that the way you acted wasn't appropriate, there is cameras all around and you need to be careful...lets just thank the gods you didnt pulled out a dagger right?" She walked closer to me, and i knew she was trying to comfort me, its a pitty actually, i knew she didnt wanted kids when she had me, i knew how grandpa treated her when he found out, to me, it was enough that she at least tried to love me enough.  "You already have your things packed to camp right? I know you have some more days of school but ill call them and tell them you are sick, its best for you to leave earlier this year, then your grandfather wont talk your ears out...you okay with that?"

"Yes mama, ill just finish packing some small things...do i leave today?" I felt her hands on my shoulders, and heard a silent im sorry.

"Yes, but dont be like that, think that you at least wont have to see the news talking about you..youll just be there, with your siblings, eating strawberies and..whatever else demigods do daily, right?"

Like i said, it is enough to me that she tries, even when she isnt great all the time, i know people who dont even have this.

I nodded and went to my room, making sure not to accidentally hit a new sculpture, placed in the corridor.

I didnt wait for her when i finished packing.

I knew she wouldnt be the one to take me there, she never is, she has things to do with the family business, its what ive always heard.

So when i got to the underground garage with my bags i automatically searched for one of the family drivers, sure enough, he was there.

He was a nice guy, but quiet, i knew that he probably had orders not to talk to the family members unless spoken to, grandpa did this with all of them, i also knew he never actually knows where hes been taking me, he takes me there almos every year, but always stops at the road in front of the forest, maybe this sad look he has on his face its because he thinks he is taking me to one of those crazy wilderness therapies as a punishment.

Granpa would absolutely do that if he hadnt had to live with a great public appearence.

"Miss? We are here" He looked at me in the rearview mirror, i only realized i had doze of when my eyes met his and i blinked. "Hold on tight, im going to help you with your luggage okay?"

"Oh..thank you mr bell" He opened the trunk, and then the back door for me, extending his hand to help me get out of the car "thank you, again"

"Sure miss, just let me take your bags out and we are all set okay?-"

Another car dor noise made us both look to the right, to find Clarisse La rue, closing a taxi door, with just one big suitcase in hand.

Now, my story with Clarisse is kind of complicated, i've met her when he were, eight i guess, her family bought some shares in the family business and we saw each other very regulaly, and ever since then everything everyone told me about her is that she is a troublesome girl, that i should stay far.

But she was the one who realized i was a demigodess, and took me straight to camp when a monster found me, and she was the one who, many times when we were little, comforted me when my family made me cry.

It seems like she forgot all of that because she never even looks at me.

If you ask her, she has never even met me at all actually.

"Clarisse, you're early"

"Cassandra, you too-"

"Cass actually, i prefer cass" i corrected her, to wich she just rolled her eyes and muffled a whatever. "Thats all you are taking? One suitcase?"

"And you are taking all that? How do you plan on walking the whole way with all that? Im assuming he wont go with you" she said looking at mr bell, and its true, he could not walk the whole way with me, and i could not walk with all that alone...fuck

"....you could help m-"

"No, dont even think about it"

"C'mon Clarisse!" She didnt even answered me this time actually. "Arent you a Ares-" i looked at the driver taking the suitcases out. "A ares...type of kid? You will pass on the oportunity to demonstrate your muscles or whatever?"

She started to walk away with a bored look, did i already said fuck?

"C'mon ill do whatever! I- i dont know.. 20 dracmas!, no?, ill help you with the cleaning duty you'll eventually have when you fuck it up? I..ill do that AND ill cure you anytime you want, everyday, no matter the time!"

She stopped walking.

Yes! I knew it, one of the many problems clarisse had its that she likes to go out at night to train alone, and when she gets hurt she cant ask anyone to help her, because she would get caught

"Give me those suitcases already and shut up-" she was interrupted by a very happy me hugging her.

"Thankyouthankyouthankyouclarisse!"

I felt her hands on my arms and realized she was going to push me away, so i took a step back

"Geez Clarisse, you could've just told me to back off, dont be like that... just take these and ill take those"

I said pointing to the suitcases, and saying goodbye to mr bell.

Can i already welcome summer and his crazy energy? No? Okay.

[crushedsweets]

SCREAMING SHAKING YOU OVER YOUR CREEPYPASTA SQUID GAMES ART YES YEEEEES YESSSSS 💥💥💥💥💥 silly silly question abt it but how do u think they (clocky toby kate and nina but u can include other creeps too) would die in squid games and how devastating would it be

ok so i kept TRYING to think about it as i drew but i legit couldnt come up with anything. so ill try to scramble out ideas now

it would take place in s2 because i drew them with the X/Os on their shirts (and s2 is more fun to me). . . spoilers ahead most likely. also SUPER disorganized and messy because if i tried to make this organized and clean itd take me an hour

so squid game AU where they all existed without slendy. im gonna focus on toby/nat/nina/kate/EJ(the creepjects) but ill mention jeff, ben, lulu, ann, brian, tim, jane, and liu

why theyre in debt/how the salesman approached them

toby is not a proxy, he's in the games because his mom is in a ton of medical debt after lyra's death and she went back to frank bc of it. toby is in there to relieve her debt, mostly so she can leave frank for good. he never killed his dad. the salesman prob came up to him after he and his dad got into a really violent fight after lyras death and he stormed out and was in a really bad spot.

similarly, i sort of like the idea of Jack's parents going into debt. its not his fault at all, but his dad maybe starts gambling for fun, it spirals out of control, he keeps desperately gambling to fix his mistakes, and its fucking up their (and all his 5 siblings) lives. i think he'd get approached by the salesman after pulling a lot of his own savings out to help his parents, only for it to barely make a dent in their debt and causing a huge argument between him and his dad.

natalie would fall into student loan debt after she moves states away for art school to escape her family, and they never had any savings, so the expenses piled up and financial aid/working multiple jobs couldnt keep up with them. she was approached by the salesman after cussing out a customer and getting fired on the spot cuz of it.

nina was big on buying, reselling, etc with a lot of fashion items. she eventually would get into a lot of luxury items, which immediately up the prices. even if they werent scams, she probably shouldnt have been buying them anyway, but she got screwed over severely and fall into credit card debt. however instead of trying to pay it off, she'd keep fucking herself cuz she has no self control. doesnt even realize how bad her debt is till its unsalvageable. salesman prob approached her after her card got declined and she finally called her bank and got the news and started freaking out.

i think kate was just pulling out loans to afford basic things. probably started with a car because she was young and fresh out of the foster system(IN A NON-SLENDY AU BTW) and needed transportation so she can work and get settled into her adult life. fucked over by a loan shark who took advantage of her being financially illiterate and had insane interest rates, resulting in her pulling out more loans to avoid getting her ass kicked, only for it to spiral. prob got approached by salesman after a loan shark roughed her up for being late and shes on her last leg

this is really hard cuz i love them all so much i dont wanna kill any of them and i can think of 100 reasons for why each would be 'good' to kill off for the sake of the story and 100 reasons why their death would be bad for my soul

SO REDLIGHT GREENLIGHT

i think in redlightgreenlight, kate and toby wouldve been arguing abotu some stupid shit. kate shoves toby when the song ends, he hits the floor, and the doll turns around. hes still on the floor, and some people start getting shot. thats when they realize this is a death game and kate realizes she nearly killed him(and possibly herself) if she pushed him even 5 seconds later.

realistically, nina would die in redlightgreenlight because the blood/gunshots would scare her so bad she'd be one of the people shaking, screaming, or running. BUT I DONT WANT HER TO SO THIS DEATH CAN BE HYPOTHETICAL.

SO ILL SAY INSTEAD the reason nina survives despite her shaking is because she's hiding behind Clocky. who is doing good at the game and doesnt even realize nina has been hiding behind her until the end of the game, in which she turns around like "...?why are you standing so close back up."

i think jack would be sort of quiet and not really notable in the first game. i dunno why but he seems like a character that would show up later. OR he'd be like Ali(199 s1) or Hyun-ju(120 s2) who makes their first big move by saving someone else, even if it risks their life.

SO THEN THE FIRST VOTE.

nina immediately votes X, clocky votes O, toby votes O, kate votes O, EJ votes O. theyre all desperate and think the only reason ppl lost redlightgreenlight was fear/confusion, and that the next games cant be that bad.

THEN THE SIX LEGGED PENTATHALON.

they'd all get put together.

toby would play ddakji. clocky plays flying stone. nina plays gong-gi. jack plays spinning top. kate plays jegi.

i think for other creeps, id prob shove some of them into a group against their will where they'd go in super confident and then die. like jeff/ben/lulu would be in a group, asking Ann to join. she'd reject them, and die in her own group

SO THE SECOND VOTE

EJ, Nina, and Clocky vote X. Kate and Toby vote O. clocky screams at them for it. kate just kinda sits there and lets her yell, but toby argues back. "you selfish fucking pricks why would you do that?!" "i need the fucking money man EVERYONE here needs the money stop bitching!" etc. Nina doesnt talk to them for the rest of the night, till the next game. EJ talks to them and is like "i understand. it was your decision, not mine." because he also almost voted O

SO MINGLE.

round one with 10 people, they get grouped with jeff(013), ben(404), lulu(400), jane(119), and liu(310). (i think jeff would be dragging lulu around everywhere. ben follows jeff voluntarily, jane and liu end up there cuz they needed two more)

round two with 4, jack and clocky are like "go take the other three into a room ill find someone else" but theyre losing time arguing, so toby and kate end up dragging clocky. so clocky, nina, kate, and toby in a room. jack barely scrapes by with another room, so theyre all so relieved when he shows up - but theres a moment of awkward tension between toby and jack, because toby chose clocky without second thought

round 3 with 3, toby, kate, and clocky get in a room together. nina is freaking out grabbing onto jack in near tears, and before jack can find someone, another tim(209) and brian(214) grab nina and force her into a room. leaving jack with nobody.

JACK IS ELIMATED IN MINGLE. nina is screaming banging on the wall. the others have no idea he's dead until they see nina choking on her tears.

round 4 with 6, nina doesnt wanna go with toby or kate anymore, but clocky begs her to just stick with them. so nina, toby, kate, and clocky. jeff and ben join them, leaving lulu to die. jeff defends himself saying he swore he left her with a group of 5.

round 5 with 2, toby and kate. nina and clocky. jeff and ben. jane and liu. tim and a random man who forced his way into the room before brian could, leaving brian to die. tim starts beating the man while the door is locked, nearly killing him before the door opens.

lulu, jack, and brian are elimated in mingle.

SO VOTE 3...

Clocky, Nina, Jane, Liu, Tim, and Toby vote X. Jeff, Ben, and Kate vote O.

nina's the one to scream at kate now, but kate once again just sits there and takes it. kate is Unfortunately Quite indifferent to herself or the people around her dying. toby voted X this time cuz of Jack's death + Nina and Clocky are just so distraught.

kate, being 008, is one of the last people to vote so it's a huge like ?! moment.

then the bathroom scene happens after the tie . . .

i think ben and liu die in the bathroom scene. liu didnt mean to get into a fight, and ben bit off more than he could chew. jeff is losing his mind cuz he's all alone now. jane is distraught after lius death so clocky/nina console her. kate sees toby covered in blood and she's shaken up by it.

SO LIGHTS OUT HAPPENS.

jeff kills jane. im sorry. im so sorry. she doesn't deserve it but he'd go straight for her.

this literally only leaves clocky, nina, toby, kate, jeff, and tim as MC's...

ok the issue here now is How would the whole revolution happen... i think tim would have to be in gi-hun/456's position and he's the one to lead it.

tim, toby, clocky, kate would go. nina and jeff stay back cuz jeff WANTS to stay in the game and nina doesnt wanna die (plus the others wouldnt let her join).

so. yeah. um. thats so pathetic i really jsut squidgamed them all

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA for mocking my math teacher?

a few months ago my school got a new math teacher. this would be fine, if not for the fact that one of the first things she did was ask me (14M) if something was going on at home. along with this, i wad also severely depressed.

not only that, she had told multiple kids that ADHD is not real/that its a myth. my friend (14F, we'll call her c) and i both have adhd, along with many other kids in our class. she just very clearly does not know how to teach neurodivergent kids and it pisses me off every day.

i also had a conversation with her that was like

her: youve been slacking... somethings been off these last few weeks...

me: yeah i did stop taking my adhd meds recently

her: nonono it was a few weeks ago

me: yeah i stopped taking them. a few weeks ago.

her: why?:(

me: well they stopped me from eating so

and she just. walked away😭

so today c and i were sat next to eachother, and c goes to get help with a problem we were both struggling on. c comes back and sits down without a word. a few minutes later, i notice the teacher is basically yelling across the room at c and gaslighting her. telling her that she hadnt said anything about the problem being wrong, blah blah blah.

so a bit later into the class, this teacher comes over to our desk to help me, and says something along the lines of "you guys were talking earlier, you need to focus more ill move you so you can focus better if you dont stop talking" ect ect. c speaks up and says "well its hard for me to focus anywhere" and the teacher just. denies her?? so i say "well we have attention deficit hyperactive disorder so its not really something we can control" and she just kind of. disagrees?? it was weird idk anyways she starts walking away and im mocking her in a low voice which i understand wasnt a great choice but also. she was being a bitch. so she turns around and says "see me after class you two..." like damn okay.

c is also an overachiever so she often goes in for help and a few times shes just been denied help and like ??? you literally offered her help why are you now taking this back

this teacher has also given us a test on the ladt day of the quarter on something that we had been learning for maybe a week or so and it was worth 100 points (tests = 90% of our grade, hw = 10%)

i understand that mocking isnt a great thing to do but this woman has hated me from day one so aita

[redheadloverr]

sub vs dom headcanons

basically just whether i think theyre the dom or sub! (entirely sfw)

gn!reader x anemo boys!

heizou

a dom but in possibly the worst - best way ever

he’s the type to brag to everyone that he is the dom but no one believes him, everyone thinks youre the dom but he gets his way every single time.

hes a bit stubborn so he takes things like this almost like a competition, he has to prove to you, and the world, that he is in fact a dom. it gets tiring at times but you laugh at it.

its an interesting dynamic, no one believes he’s the dom but as some would say “he has you wrapped around his fingers” and you honestly dont mind. hes sweet and compassionate when he needs to be, serious and stern when he needs to be as well.

although you are his special person; and trust me you are, sometimes he’ll do or say things that make you two seem like mere friends but you know he doesnt mean them that way. he looks out for you. he knows you dont need him to but hes happy to do it anyways.

at the end of the day, you know what type of partner you’re coming home to. he may be a bit overprotective and overbearing at times but thats what you love about him.

kazuha

soft dom. 100%.

kazuha’s the type of dom to let you go around telling people you’re the dom and people would believe it because of how soft spoken he is and how easy he is to give in to your request.

kazuha practically created the “princess treatment”. he would never disrespect you, never raise his voice at you, never even touch you unless you told him it was okay / you wanted him to. he respects you and your personal space as well as your personal opinions, ideals, morals, so on and so fourth.

kazuha does have a downside tho, he never knows how to necessarily bring up his own emotions or opinions. kazuha is a closed book, his book hasnt been opened for years its practically full of dust. you try your best to mkae him open up and he does! you know him better than anyone else but even then he still keeps his secrets.

kazuha is absolutely terrified or harming you in any way shape or form. he goes out of his way to protect you from stuff you couldnt even possibly think of. you have his full attention and admiration, though you wish he’d pay attention to you when you’d tell him he needs to focus on himself and what he wants.

he typically says “dont worry about my feelings.” or “this isnt about my feelings.” on the rare occasions you two do have disagreements.

scaramouche

100% a sub. a bratty sub.

hes the type of sub to be such a brat at times you genuinely just want to throw them in the lake and leave them there. you don’t obviously but he gets on your nerves lol.

if people asked who wore the pants he’d say it was a mix of the two of you, though you know its all bs.

scara is like a little kid having a temper tantrum because he couldnt get ice cream for dinner. if he doesnt get his way hes pouty and moody until you somehow “make it up to him” with basically anything

hes moody and a lot of times has mood swings every five seconds, he really is like a kid. he’s fussy and whiny but you know at the end of the day you love him and he loves you, you two would never want your dynamic to be shared with someone else nor lose this dynamic.

venti

venti is a bit of a wild card! he’s definitely a switch

i feel like venti is confident in certain aspects of the relationship and with other aspects he just lets you take control if youre more confident.

i feel like a relationship with venti would for sure be 50/50, probably the most balanced relationship but a bit of a hectic and chaotic one to be sure.

venti wouldnt necessarily know how to answer someone if they asked who wears the pants, hed probably say you just to throw them for a loop but you both know youre equals in this relationship.

xiao

definitely a sub but behind closed doors.

he pretends to be hard on the outside but really all he wants is to be the little spoon and be pampered with love and affection!

he secretly loves when you take the initiative; whether it be planning dates, holding hands out in public, showing PDA, ect.

he’s definitely the type to have acted like a “badass” or a “bully” in highschool but in reality he just wanted a hug and for someone to tell him theyre proud of him.

he has absolutely no mercy for anyone who even attempts to hurt you, however. youre the only one who has and is able to see his soft side.

he shows you off to his friends and worships the ground you walk on, it doesnt bother you one bit that he pretends to wear the pants in the relationship to his friends and fellow acquaintances.

[johnprice-asks]

Henlo Cap, do u have any advice for me who's sure now i'm bullied at work. I thought i was paranoid at first but it became clear now whenever i made a mistake it would get broadcasted in the groupchat and then they would say stuff like : explaining work ethics, watch for cleaneliness at work, dont infect ur coworkers with shit. Now, they are vague about who are they talking about so i never wanted to assume, but yesterday they actually @ me. HR is in the GC and did nothing.

They do it irl too, though they be vague about it like one time i had a bad headache at work, and since i dont have anything to do (ive finished everything i need to do for that day, my jobdesk is free) i thought it would be ok to rest my eyes a bit. And of course it was not ok, my coworkers made sure to remind me by mocking about a certain someone who fell asleep at work, even do it loudly in front of HR during morning briefing (again, HR didn't do shit) we were talking about how our CEO provided us with vitamin because everyone kept getting sick, and then one of them asked if it could make us sleepy, when she said no they go on about a certain someone that's always sleepy even without meds.

Everything is already hard for me since im diagnosed with depression and anxiety, and I actually do drink meds for that. Which is why im sleepy coz i forgot the night med all the time, and took it when i remember (2 am) which made me sleepy in the morning. Idk if i should tell anyone here abt my mental illness coz ppl here usually dont believe in that.

And now im paranoid about everything, about making any little mistake, which lead to making more mistake because its hard to focus when people around me are like that.

Im even afraid of getting sick, because one time i got a really bad flu for more than a week, cant take too many days off because im not really comfortable being at home anyway (i still live with my abuser). So again, they keep mocking about a certain someone who's sick and is bothering everyone with the sniffling and tissues- now saying that if anyone else got sick, its that certain someone fault for infecting them.

Those are the few things they did, there are many more. And imma add that they are never hostile towards everyone else's mistake, like one time someone legit left the office key dangling for the weekend, leaving the place vulnerable for robbery, and the other time they forgot to turn off the AC before going home, waste of electricity. No mockery about that.

Resigning isn't an option because well- that what they wanted and im not giving it to them, it would feel like quitting the battlefield and that means losing, i aint losing lolol

So.. yeah what do i do abt this, im quite new to working and all, so ive never experienced something like this. Im currently working in a startup so there are not more than 20 people here total, and everyone is in on it, they either actively participate or stayed quiet and probably agreeing (fyi : most of them are 30+ yo, some even married and have kids while i haven't even graduated college so its sad for them rly)

And.. sorry for the long rant :3

You don’t deserve to be treated like this. They don’t deserve to know. get out of that place as fast as you can. working a job at fuckin’ Tescos and having a nice lot of people to work with is better than getting bullied in a job that pays 100 quid an hour.

Love your life, let the people around you be good. Your current work environment will only drag you down.

[mushroomgrenade]

hi!! turning off anon to confess that ever since i joined the tmnt fandom i admired you from afar and always am delighted when i see you pop up on my dash. love people who are active in the community, but i totally understand too if you stop posting tmnt. even as a lurker, i get overwhelmed by fandom stuff and worry that i will upset someone

LMAO dude (first thanks and bless for the support) I woke up to being called out again by the same group of minors. When I have. minors dni HAHA

(Sorry this is just an excuse for me to clear up and rant) Hi people who are probably stalking me, just a heads up, when I meant : 'As a VA I should be able to do many roles at once. If Im hired to voice in a children's show, and at the same time something more mature, nsfw, 18+, heavy themes, I should be able to do so.'

I meant like. Oh if Im voicing kids shit, I should be able to do shit like adult swim, bojack horseman, helluvaboss etc. cause. im a actor. lmfao

I didnt skim through enough but uhh another thing is, hi im neutral i dont care I have more things in life to focus on chronic kids online. I think western ideology is WAYYY too comfortable in like, harassing people when they dont agree with things. If you think going around and telling people to kys or having people burnt at the stake for your ideology is gucci- you are no better than like, a conservative christian. (Hope im using the words right, english hard).

Oh yeah and I stand by my words :

'IAs an adult, to me, I can very clearly tell how fiction doesn't = to reality. I'm strictly working them in a professional manner, the only conversation I've had are casting calls, directions, and vocal cords. If this was an irl grooming situation, I would 100% not be interacting. But since this isn't my responsibility, nor is it my private life. And as long as they are not publicly talking to children or any minors either, or harassing, showing minors things that shouldn't be shown, I have no qualms with it.

We all have our boundaries, and I understand people's concerns on these topics, but I personally prefer to stay out of anything/any drama, hate, harassment on social media, as that would be affecting to my irl mental health too. Likewise, everyone have boundaries, and personally, I feel like as long as we don't cross it, or have a clear line, we should move on.

What I think is morally right currently - are boundaries, and not harassing people. I think a lot of reasoning behind how comfortable people are in harassing others in fandoms is defo a culture thing too. I'm Taiwanese, for example, and in my culture, this kind of behavior is frown upon. I think an interesting outside perspective for Europeans is this article if you ever feel like taking a look

Linked here, if you plan on quoting anything, read the full thing so you don't misunderstand anything <3

I am not at all a TMNT only person, I don't label myself to any extent, and have put my boundaries of minors dni. So if anyone really wants to make any point on that, those are my boundaries that they decided to overstep.

+ as is my own social presence, I will do my best to mold it the way I wish to myself. Plus its not like I ever hid stuff.

But THAT WAS SOOOO offtrack- and thank you, I honestly appreciate the support, Im not one to be annoying and ask for them, but rn is like, HEAVY appreciated cause its annoying. I didn't even know people liked my work enough! haha, you are very sweet

[gxilgramore]

Long time no see!

I've been watching some classic who lately to see what's the fuss is about and... Yeah it's cool! I mean, all that i said in my rant on Blood of the Daleks still rings true, the pacing and narrative style is an acquired taste that is hard to get for a person like me, but don't get mistaken, i still liked what i watched, so much so I'll give a ranking from the episodes I've watched, im watching the episodes randomly, mainly the ones that interested me the most, so let's go.

From "worst" to best:

Season 18 - Full Circle

Honestly didn't grab me, i found it to be kinda boring, even though there is interesting thematic stuff here to be analysed. I liked Adric, but he was like this episode, confusing and kinda boring for a big part, the pacing is really slow, but i think this time for more narrative reasons than classic whoish shananigans, the weakest one by far.

50/100

Season 4 - Tomb of Cyberman

The second Doctor is the incarnation im most intrigued about, from the actor to the mystique of the lost episodes, and tomb being one his most iconic outings i though id see what makes him so beloved................ i was wrong, but not a 100%. I don't see much reasons to love the 2nd based on his scenes in this, not even the companions, they kinda don't do or show much, the episode focus more on the other parts of the narrative that being totally honest are boring, the Cyberman scene was really cool but also they don't have much of a presence on this episode, underwhelming more than i wanted to be, a bad first impression of the era, i'll try The Mind Robber or the Invasion later to see if its just me or the episode was boring.

69/100

Season 10 - The Five Doctors

Now it starts the episodes that i liked it, and this one is... nice! The Davidson doctor the is the one im the least interested in watching and this episode kinda helped it because i didnt see anything in him that wowed me, but the other doctors all of them offered me something interesting to care about them, i dont have much to say in this episode besides it was fun and all.

71/100

Season 25 - Remembrance of the Daleks

I might be admitting a crime with this one but it didn't grab me a lot, it was the first classic who story i've ever watched a couple months before this marathon and probably that's the reason i find to be so underwhelming to me, i don't remember much scenes besides the "unlimited chocolate pudding one", i will rewatch later once i watch Fenric and Happiness Patrol, but at the time, i didnt leave a mark on me.

72/100

Season 13 - Pyramids of Mars

I watched this episode at the height of the Sutekh rumours in the new series and liked more than i thought i would, yeah, the pacing is the biggest issue like ever but i loved Sarah and the 4th dynamic, they fell like old siblings with their constant quips and jokes, i also loved Sutekh (more than in those recent episodes btw) he was sitting throughout the 4 episodes but it was menacing and iconic, his voice is the biggest contributor, the soft but raspy tone, the way he emphasises certain words in a sentence giving them more weight, it sticks in my mind like bubblegum, i love also how they showed that Sutekh is a big deal in case he is freed better than those new episodes, Devils Chord literally rips off a scene from this episode where 4th shows Sarah the possible future where the world ends, it's great, a good episode all around.

75/100

Season 12 - Genesis of the Daleks

Ok, this one is kind of amazing, yeah it is a 6 parter, it gets boring after a while but what i love here is the themes on how the wrong point of view in survival and evolution could lead to genocide, if we took the nazi angle yeah it was kinda revisionist implying that the actual scientists would be against such a thing ignoring how fascism works as a thing that reaches the masses and also it can be seen as a kind of shallow portrayal that weakens the message but i see that this episode can have more reads than one, its cool to see the doctors dilemma and all. And also i love the anxiety and desperation of most of these episodes, with our heroes really near to get what they need but being stopped by some force, its great.

77/100

Season 7 - Spearhead from Space

Yeah, i was watching a lot of 4th Doctor but i also watched this one and it was great, i dont have much to say besides that i loved it, i like 3rd and his dynamic with Liz, at least their first interaction was great.

80/100

Season 17 - City of Death

The first one i watched in this recent marathon and its great, im shocked at how funny this one was, mainly in the last two parts, the downside is that i kinda dont get the hype still, even though i liked it, this episode in fact condenses all my opinions on classic who, i like what i see but i dont see what yall see, if that makes sense at all, still, was really fun. 84/100

Season 14 - The Deadly Assassin

By far my favorite from the classic series, at least at the moment, it's intense and interesting, starts with a gut punch of a mystery and it builds really well, and still treats timelords with certain respect even when showing them as burocrats, granted, everything i said in the previous section still true but this one grabbed me a lot. Even with the weird pacing in part 3.

90/100

And at the moment thats it, i dont know how long the Doccy Who hyper fixation will stay but ill enjoy it by watching more classic who episodes, the underline is that, i like what i see but all the problems i talked in my Blood of the Daleks review/rant still are true, i dont know if ill ever "get it" but i will keep watching to see whats going to resonate with me.

I have one more review coming up soon, probably tomorrow morning so stay tuned to that

[cognitohazard]

saw your post about robot neopets and i'm curious which you think are good and which are terrible? got a few robot pets myself and would love to know how to improve on drawing them.

i'll start by saying a lot of this probably does come down to personal taste so for the love of god dont think that anything i say abt what designs i think are good should have any effect on what pets YOU like.

but to get into it a little, a really important part of a robot design for me is how well its constructed. do the joints look functional and make sense? do seams and edges make sense? is there too much or too little detail? and of course more general design things like, are the shapes clearly readable, does the color scheme work?

100% the best robot pet imo is the Hissi. Nothing I'd change with it, i think the structure of the body communicates a lot of hinged, interlocking parts that would be almost as flexible as a regular organic hissi. Just enough detail that it doesn't become too cluttered, and im a big fan of the colors and how the placement adds a lot of clarity to the design.

another i think is really good that falls on the goofier side is the robot Tuskaninny. Kind of an exceedingly silly looking design as opposed to cool, but its so solidly contructed. There's a lot of really strongly communicated shapes and the placement of everything feels very functional, and the simple color scheme is balanced and just very pleasant to look at

one of the worst ones is the Meerca. the placement of seams on the head is totally haphazard and looks like it was done just to fill space as opposed to suggest an intentionally engineered and contructed object. hate the colors too, which is funny given how much i like them on the tuskaninny; much like the details they feel like they were placed with very little thought.

here's a 5 minute drawover i did showing how i'd approach designing the head; use the seams to emphasize the spherical shape and some of the contours of the face (im not touching the tail i could spend hours on that).

I have a hard time putting most of my thoughts into words well so I hope this kinda communicates what i mean.

Some other really good ones imo are the Aisha, Gelert, Quiggle, and Xweetok. I dont want to focus on the ones i hate but i will say I have the Kougra so much dude i dont think anyone tried on that one at all

[halflifedecay]

Depressive rant about game art jobs then divulging into health anxiety. more under the cut. feel free to disregard

Depressive and negative thought: sometimes I don't think I'm cut out for professional game art.. most concept art job apps almost always say "lead" or "senior". If they don't, they require 5 or more years of experience with a shipped game under your belt. They expect you to be a wizard of 2D and 3D tools. There is just so much to learn to be an employable concept artist these days with so little time left over after working to simply give myself a few dollars. It feels almost unattainable unless I get incredibly lucky and land a gig. i just wanna draw and more importantly, learn and grow.

I have to preface that i am incredibly fortunate to live with my partner who does support my career as well as financially. I do realize i have the luxury to focus on my work even if it means it does make me much, so long as i continue to work on it. but even with luxury of time, it still a struggle to make quality portfolio work while juggling a million otherprojects and personal things.

My parents still call me on the phone asking if I've been looking for jobs, I do but these job apps are dreadful as I've mentioned. I think why bother when I don't qualify based on these requirements.

Sometimes I wish I can just do my silly little drawings for myself, and do part time jobs, but I learned the hard way, that life is not for me. I did it and I was miserable, i worked 30 hrs a week and i barely had the time or energy to give to art. i feel behind enough as it is being 27 with no job prospects I don't really possess any other discernible skills to apply to a different job. I've made and accepted the choice of making art my job, and that means i may not want to do art all the time bc i am not 100% confident in my skills all the time. im working on being more confident so i can hit the ground running on what i need to do. I can't give up, I love art and I've put so much time, passion and thought into my craft.

Aside from getting a job that allows me to do something I love, I get a salary with, hopefully, good health insurance. I don't know if this is the state of US healthcare now, but in my area, its hard to find a PCP who isn't booked into the next year, and then the first one you get an appt for, cancels on you literally 10 mintes before the scheduled time. and so ive had to wait a couple extra weeks. My health anxiety lightening up leans on doctors to tell me i am infact, not dying, and no, i dont have a tumor bc my lungs and muscles feel funny sometimes. I catatophise about my health so much, im in this vicious cycle of random symptom occuring > becoming anxious > new symptom occurs or becomes worse bc of anxiety > sometimes these symptoms go away on their own > they dont > anxiety ensues. so these past few weeks, i occassionally get this voice that tells me im gonna die bc i am not 100% okay, just waiting for the day i can see my PCP and be told whats up. this isnt the first time this has happened, and when i do get checked out, it is something pretty normal and managable. i really want to see this PCP next week, have it be not much of anything, laugh it off, and just go back to drawing in peace and heal.

but for now i have to sit with that anxiety, and think, why do i feel this way. for starters, i started with my mother being anti-vax, im not going to even get into that now, then covid; fear that i got it at some point and i didn't know it (i never had loss of taste and smell, but did get sick a few times, and my rapid and pcr tests were negative). what if i did get covid and i am experiencing long covid? hence why i have random symptoms all the time? that amougst getting older and generally being pretty uneducated about what happens to your body after 25! i eat well, i stretch, i go outside and walk, yea i could absolutely exercise more, my mental is pretty good, i have a loving and supporting partner and family, i make art for a living, im still young, breathing and still making shit, why can't i get rid of this anxiety that im in terrible health.

that is all, any more and then i start worrying about it not being rambly, fixing errors, not the point here, just want to vent.

thanks for reading.

[gabapentinblues]

journal update 3.10.2025 huge ed tw

i still feel like absolute shit from being sick >_< drowning in kleenex and cough drops and tea and ibuprofen. ugh. makes it really hard to want to take care of myself at all. like its so hard when you just wake up feeling like garbage.

so yeah that sucks. had my coffee. just laying around. drinking tea now. the sun is out and it seems like it could actually be nice out but idk what im going to do w that besides be aware of it and sit in my bed anyway. my head hurts so bad.

i have my first therapy session tomorrow and im really not sure what to expect. idk if i should do anything to "prepare" for it... im glad i'll finally have someone to talk to.

i had a complete breakdown yesterday bc idek why. my mood was just really low and then i decided to sh and i noticed that i got blood on my mattress somehow and i felt so dumb. i was like this is all so stupid, hiding bloody tissues, i feel like a little kid. and people are going to see my scars this summer, especially at this rate if i keep making new ones, its already march.

so yeah i had a full on spiral freak out about that while i was home alone yesterday and i was able to text my fp. at first i thought she wasnt going to be able to answer but we talked and that helped some. its just so hard for me to be patient w myself. i was still feeling so down and just wanting to seek comfort so i binge ate. i really need to get over that.

binge eating basically restarted the spiral and i talked to my friends some more about how hopeless i feel. they were comforting and supportive and said im doing better than i think but its hard for me to believe that honestly. i feel like a fat loser. they tell me im not a loser, and im sure theyd tell me im not fat if i ever dared to speak that out loud.

i just dont like my body, i dont like my curves, i dont like my boobs, i dont like how tightly my clothes fit, i dont want this body. it makes sick and frustrated and for some reason i feel powerless to change it right now even though ive lost weight before.

i need to remember back to how it was before. i was really deep in my self hatred and i felt like there was nothing else i could do. i just starved and starved and didnt even feel like it was going to do anything until one day i noticed it was doing something and then i was hooked.

its so hard for me to watch what im eating right now. my sister cooks for everyone and i just feel like i have no control over what i eat beyond just the amount. that makes it really hard. i justwant to count calories and know that im in a deficit.

like i know i have to eat, i just need to detach myself from it. like i have to eat in the morning to take my meds. the mornings are easy, just coffee, water and a banana. i'll always make sure i have kombucha and hydration multiplies and sparking water and diet coke to feel like im having something as a "snack". i found these instant noodles that i really like that are like 470 calories, then a banana is 100, so if i wanted to high restrict that like half my calories for the day, then if i just eat a small portion of whatever is for dinner i'll be fine. most likely. definitely better.

i need to just have some lunches on lock that i know the calories of and i dont have to think about. like noodles, maybe tuna salad on toast, regular salad, freezer meals i know the calories of... basically if i always have a banana for breakfast and always know the calories of my lunch i'll be okay. then i can kind of have a small portion of whatever for dinner.

i used to have all these other small rules that i want to pick back up. like always start eating last and finish last. take long pauses in the middle of eating. never ever let yourself be distracted by anything while eating, i.e. no mindless eating, eating while watching something, while having a conversation, while multitasking, always stop and completely focus. never have a second helping. count the amount of times you chew, try to chew each bite 15-20 times. anything like chips and dip or other snack kinds of food, youre allowed 5 bites and done. this is why you want to really appreciate and be aware of what youre eating. always picture your food breaking down and becoming part of your cells, you dont want gross food in your body. this always helped me avoid junk food. if youre alone just dont eat. i have a huge problem w binge eating in private so i have to make it that i only eat when other people are around, never alone. drink so much water. really try to come up with ways to distract and redirect yourself when craving food, getting up and moving is always really good. never snack, if you do end up snacking, five bite rule. avoid desert, only small amounts of sweets and not every day. you have to be able to go whole days without sugar and see how good it feels. i will need to be strict w this again to get started. skip meals whenever possible. also never be in a hurry to eat, always put it off if you can and never bring up food or feeling hungry.

i also really do want to start going to the gym again. i know it would help my mood too. it feels kind of far off still that i'll actually start going, i feel like too much of a depressed mess. also need to be super mindful around alcohol and just opt to avoid it usually, it doesnt really make you feel better and its just more calories.

ugh these are all my stupid rules i need to start following again. also weighing myself basically every day. i weighed myself last monday and im scared to do it today. i need to get my rules in place first and start feeling different.

i know i can do it. i'll keep holding myself accountable here.

i also want to make sure im taking care of my hygiene. wash my face and do my skincare twice a day, brush my teeth at least twice a day. change my clothes every day. make my bed and change my pillowcase everyday. also stretch, meditate, and really check in w myself beyond sitting in front of my laptop or hunching over a notebook. maybe start trying to take a walk everyday after dinner now that its light out later.

so ive got my food rules and my personal care rules that i want to stick to. hopefully my food rules of occupying myself w other things make me more productive and engaged w hobbies and stuff.

im just going to really try to work on this and identify the areas where im struggling and why and really try to troubleshoot and problem solve them and get myself consistent again. i really am in that nightmare place of wow ive lost this weight before, how do i do it again.

so yeah its kind of a real fresh start, clean slate. spring is finally really here w the time change and i can change my habits for the better.

everyone is telling me to create a space where i can heal and give myself what i need and it just feels impossible. a month ago my therapist was like, really make your room your own space that you feel good in, and its still just a mess of unpacked boxes. i want to do better.

everyone tells me time and patience and it just makes me want to cry. i feel useless. i dont know how im supposed to wait myself patiently to a better life. i dont think im going to just magically start feeling better and being able to do more. i dont know what it will take.

i want to get ready for my therapy appointment tomorrow by just reflecting on my situation and being prepared to talk about things. i might see my fp tomorrow. im either going to the city to see friends or helping my fp drive around to different stores to transfer jobs.

my sister also asked me if i wanted to take a trip out of town for the weekend coming up and i think i might do that, seems like it could be good.

idk i just want to change for the better, im tired of feeling so stuck and powerless and depressed.

if i see my fp tomorrow i might confess my crush if it feels like the right thing to do. we'll see.

[6loodlvstt]

Unfortunately I never heard of gul but I checked the plot and it’s interesting! I’ll definitely check it out when I have some free time. I don’t mind listening to summaries when I do other things. I enjoy to keep me busy reading/writing most of the time. Rn I’m trying to finish fear and hunger and I get angry every time I die lol. It’s so annoying but I love the vibes of that game. It was inspired by silent hill, berserk and amnesia. Sorry I info-dump a bit too much lol.

I’m glad you had a nice day! How was shopping? I also went out. Well I go out all days but I went to my fav bookstore and fetched a new book so I’m extra happy. And I love hades, I started it some weeks ago. Mythology is such an interesting world and I’m up for it.

I like to draw in my free time but it’s exhausting to work for game class projects. I can’t wait to finish off all this and focus on other projects. Piano is just a tool for be able to write lyrics in the future, or whatever I want. I get easily distracted when I play it but I’m confident that at some point my technique will improve.

The movie came out on February, from what I saw it wasn’t really popular but 100% recommended if you like 80s vibes. It’s an absurdist gothic horror..? Somewhere in the between. Heathers it’s a chef’s kiss. Probably one of my favs too. This reminded me of Little sister (2016), I seriously need watch it. It’s been on my watchlist since forever but I keep forgetting about it. I’m so forgetful.

Also sorry if I replied just now but at the end I decided to go to sleep at 3 am, my head was hurting -🩹

gul is super cool and not a lot of people actually know about it since it was basically lost media for a long long time

i dont sither! i normally play games while i listen yo things or while im working ill turn on some video essays and just listen to that while i work when music gets to be too much ^^

ough i heard fear and hunger was hard, rn im trying to beat dead space again and its not going well for me either lol

shopping was fine me and my mom just went and got groceries and that was it ^^ id love to go to a bookstore again theyre so fun to look around in

ive got like 300 hours in hades all together atp and its been a blast i love it very much and i could never get tired of it, plus greek mythologys always been a super big interest of mine! i love all of it so much and its so fascinating to learn

i used to draw a lot when i was in school since i always sucked at education, being dyslexic and autistic and having adhd really all just pilied and piled on to it so drawing was a giod escape and made me look like i was working on whatever they gave me, and if it wasnt on paper than id just play on my phone to pass the time, i also just used to read manga durong class if i couldnt be on my phone

violin and guitar and really. any. of the instruments i know how to play were for that reason to, i wanted to be a musician for a long long time till my grandmother decided to be a dick to me and i never played anything again :(

ooo it sounds interesting, i think when i have the time to sit and watch something ill check it out :D

its okay i just woke up and its like 11am rn

[4lbon]

dts s5 e3-5

e3: -"i am perfect 🥰" fuck u know what sometimes the charles leclerc charm does get to me ngl -"breaking america is very important" OH IS IT. let andretti join then -i'll say it. miami isn't that bad. you can critisize the consumerism of it all without being so anti-america yall -fuck caitlyn jenner but her gushing to christian horner abt how great it is that ferrari is winning is iconic -i did watch this season but i did after the fact /knowing/ max was gonna win in the end. its sorta hitting me how it did really look like, oh my god, charles could really win here. just lookin at his lil face thinking how much did he get his hopes up. how much did i hurt, watching it slip away. how do u even handle that emotionally -i know i've talked abt this before but when i was binging the 2022 season i got super drunk before/while watching miami and when i woke up in the morning i remembered basically nothing other than carlos taking his shirt off (priorities). i watched the race highlights sober and was surprised by the lando crash. lol -if anything this rewatch is putting me back in my max girlie era. chomp chomp chomp. and/or i'm ovulating. combination of both -cannot wait for padel game 2023 edition on dts. it will be superior i know it -i do think its wierd that theyre framing (trying to) prioritize charles as a mean thing to do when its exactly what merc did in 2021 for lewis and it was 100% necessary both times. the guy who said 'ferrari won with the wrong car' wasnt wrong thats just how this shit works!!! -idk why dts couldn't just explain that max has non terminal but non fixable damage and thats why he was so damn slow. i feel like it wouldve been so easy to just mention. give context to why he couldnt get back up there -i dont think having multiple episodes focus on the same race from different perspectives is the worst thing ever, but i do think they fucked it up here by having the silverstone episodes back 2 back 2 back...... at least mix it up a lil. put another episode inbetween so we've forgotten by the time its being rehashed is it rly that hard

e4: -"i would've fucked the whole paddock" you know what maybe gunther IS iconic. maybe i will miss him a lil -i'm not a mick girlie but he is such a sweet boy. gunther count ur days :) -being reminded that michael and jos were teammates is such a jumpscare. how did that happen -"its not about proving them wrong, its about proving yourself right." HES SUCH A SMART N WISE LIL BOY. MWAH MWAH MWAH -that was a legitimately terrifying high speed crash. like a crash is a crash but the way that car got torn up is insane -STAY AWAY FROM OLLIE BEARMAN BTW -kevin supporting mick is So Important like an older sibling trying to break the cycle w/ a shitty parent. kevin i love u -ALSO underrated ship. btw -respectfully. as someone who knows nothing abt cars. if the haas keeps having problems splitting in half during crashes mayb. its a car issue. just a thought -faldskjfalksjf but this monaco crash: thinkin abt during the race, kevin had a mechanical dnf nearly the same time, so when the camera cut from mick's smashed car to kevin standing on the side of the track, looking disappointed, there was legitimate confusion on who fucking crashed. anyway that goes to show MAYBE THE CAR IS JUST SHIT -sebmick. is indeed. important -i love the way mick thinks his name is only a blessing. i just love seeing other people be brutally positive in the face of adversity bc its what i aspire to try to do too. its a good mindset to have i hope he is doin well now <3 -small children humbling tf out of christian horner is so important actually -i'm so glad daniel knew what he was worth with haas. i'm so glad they couldn't damn afford him. as he should 💅 -mick & max ALSO underrated ship. this man is so shippable -i am glad max n mick got to have this lil battle tho. they got to have what their dads predicted finally :)

e5: -ok so this is actually the most recent dts episode ive seen since before i started the rewatch, right after otmar got fired i watched it as a fun lil victory lap. this'll be fun lets goooooooo -otmar as a man is such a walking ick. even if i dislike other TPs at least they dont give me the ick. thats the second most unforgivable crime otmar has committed -i'm sorry the way otmar left AM bc he didnt like lawrence as a boss only to sign up to work for LAURENT ROSSI????? u have to laugh -i've said it before and i'll say it again nando n estie were fucking raw 100% -even if mclaren continued to be shit and alpine didn't implode oscar still made the right choice bc CLEARLY otmar was keen on keeping the nandoestie lineup for as long as fucking possible. and then he gets mad when oscar realizes that and bails??? i hate this man sm -'je m'appelle yuki. merci' iconic dts quote. yall if dts didnt exist we wouldnt have this be grateful -ok. so i know when this season came out this whole dando in the parking garage bit got some heat bc apparently that was not at paul ricard like the episode implies. but honestly. listen. netflix got a fun lil moment with daniel and lando. they didnt have anywhere else to put it. was there really any harm with having it squeezed in there. its not like ppl thinking theres a parking garage at paul ricard is super damaging misinformation. pls find real solid criticisms of dts instead of this kinda bitchin and moanin THANK U -HI SEBCHAL CRUMBS -ok um. not 2 tinhat here but i know dts got some heat for not having enough women in this season. did they go back and add these bits with jennie gow after she recovered from her stroke i dont remember her being here. its fine i just dont particularly like how netflix can go back n change shit -i hate birthdays i get so much second hand cringe from this. if i never get sung happy birthday again ever in my life that would be ideal -how many times has nando left and gone back to renault/alpine? god its like a girl who wont stop getting back together with a cheating bf and then being surprised when he cheats again oh fernando left ur team WATER IS WET BABES -ok what i'm getting is otmar is bad at getting contracts finalized in a timely manner and maybe this is his damn fault :) -'lets show him he made the wrong choice' you have to laugh ladjfaklsjdfaljd

[surinnsenpai]

when do I know if I’m pushing myself too much?

I’m constantly looking for jobs, despite having one. Despite being promised future projects to work on. Constantly checking up on the job outposts of studios that ghost me and have never actually looked at my portfolio. I have 37 websites up on my computer, all of them are job postings, and every other week, I open them all and look for a fitting job. And when I don’t find anything, I look to my portfolio and think of what I can do better.

Can I do better. Yes, probably. What do I do? Well for starters I can redo my portfolio. Entirely. I just signed up for a course to improve my craft. I got stuck the moment I had to learn a new program. That sucks. I can’t move forward, can’t just sit down and watch a youtube video and learn something that is most likely going to come up at some point in my career once I get a big gig. I SHOULD learn this program, cause it can make everything faster and easier and I can focus om what I need to do. but then again, its hard to sit down and learn something new when i signed up for a course thinking i wasnt going to learn a new program. never mentioned. so now i cant finish the course, and i cant move forward. so what do i do instead?

i turn around and look at the projects i want to work on. a new direction. i deepdive into the works of the studios i want to work at, and i look at the style and format and how different my experience is with how the industry actually is. i dont know how to make a board for games, gameplay and cinematic cutscenes. i dont know how episodic boarding works, how they put the cameras and how basic is too basic in camerawork. all i know is cinematic cuts with a few pages worth of boards. i haven’t boarded 100 pages for one show, not counting my own comic which is not a film board, its a comicbook. my experience and how i board is based on scenes and directors wishes and thats all. i know little about format, despite knowing a whole lot about it. i cant really see the differnce between a scene in an episode of a show versus a scene from a movie. or i can see it, but i cant replicate it. 

so now i lament over the fact that i cant even board correctly. and i cant get work because im a periferal boarder and theres no work here, and theres even less now that the summer is here and everyone is enjoying their vacation. 

so i look at videos to improve, but none of the videos tell you the difference in the format other than which way to hold the paper when you board. the shots and formats and camera angle, i know, but what about the buildup, the invisible shots that are basic but not so basic you wouldnt hire a boarder to make? and i look again to the studios i want to work at, the people i wish to look at my work and see and nod and like what they see. so i google them and check it out, and i look at the job listings in hopes that i can apply to be seen and evaluated, but hence i am ghosted again. you need contacts.

and i have no contacts. i have emtpy promises and wishes to work with, and no contacts to actually give me work. i am exhausted (mentally) by looking, by studying, by trying to be good and better and be seen by those who matter. the industry is scattered, too much so that i cant even figure out who could be a good contact, let alone a friend. so i try to build a stupid contact list, try to make friends and make it genuine, because i absolutely hate to be a platonic friend just to be used later for work. but that is what happens, and its not very fullfilling to know that you only introduce yourself to work through them. 

they say the best contacts are the people who actually becomes your friends. when your chat looks like a regular friendship with sprinkles of job listings. to talk about something more than work.

thats too idealistic for the scattered industry around me. 

so now im slowly burning out while maintaining relations i wish i cared for, constantly jobsearch, and always strive to learn what nobody will teach me.

..

i’m tired

[villalunae]

me: wants to engage with queer fantasy content, with a large preference towards podcast platforms

me: also doesnt want to spend 1000 hours watching sixty episodes of said content just to get to the Fucking Queer Content

[bonefries]

I rate Sigma Overwatch’s sprays from 0-10

alright lets go, just going in the order that these files come in this folder

1000/10: Because I get to see him sitting and even though he’s thinking hard about something he’s throwing a bouncy ball to help him focus. Also his hair is particularly white here and I think thats very sexy old man of him.

50/10: Catbox, Catboy, its all the same theory. Sigma likes catboys, not up for debate. We know why. 

3/10: Just not fond of it. I know the sprays and their rendering gets super obscured but this one just got absolutely decimated I guess. Just being real with yall. 

10/10: Like the shading colors, he’s smirking. Rock vaguely looks like a heart. Love that for him. 

6/10: I just don’t like how the hat was drawn. I don’t think it needed to be there or could’ve been shaped better. Other than that decent spray. Wish he was happier looking though. 

9/10: I have this spray as a sticker and its just very cute fsr. Its simple and the color is exquisite and nice on the eyes. 

100000000000/10: There is something mysteriously and eerily sexy about this spray and it’s one of my favorites.  

2/10: Just because he is my husband doesn’t mean I’m not going to be an honest man. I Highly Dislike this spray because I think the art style is unappealing af. It’s just a personal preference, I hate all of the sprays that come in this style.  i didnt realize how long this post was going to be so im doing the rest under the cut to spare everyone else’s life: 

9/10: Solid rating with no goofing. While I take up some issues with some of the expressions in his other sprays showing pain, there is something about the composition of this one that I absolutely love. Its very aesthetic for me, speaks to his character, and the colors are beautiful. Wish his eyes were his usual periwinkle though which is why this isn’t receiving a perfect score. 

5/10: Not really sure what it is about this one that I’m not so fond of. I can appreciate the colors and his profile. But other than that theres something visually here that I don’t find appealing. Not sure what it is.

8/10: Decent rating, its nothing crazy. Since reference and has nice colors but thats about all my critique for this one.

11/10: Lovely hand, lovely gesture. Wanna squish the bean pads. Nice colors. 

6/10: This one is actually one of my favorites despite the rating not being solid. Only because while I love the colors and the concept, the idea of it makes me sad. The idea that it reflects Sieb’s trauma makes me sad, despite it being a rational depiction of such. 

50000000/10: love little christmas charm sieb, hope he gets a skin of this outfit some day. Hes so cute. Happy smiles thats all I want. I could kiss him.

3/10: CONTRARY TO POPULAR BELIEF I’M NOT ACTUALLY SUPER ABOUT THIS SPRAY. WHY? Because I’m being nitpicky and I want him receptors on the sides to be THE TEAL THAT THEY ARE. Not GREEN. 

5/10: I feel like halfway rating with this one is fair. I like to imagine that thats Sieb’s hand writing and that makes me happy. But this spray is hard to look at for long periods of time because this kind of text squish is hurtful on my eyes. 

9/10: I actually hate this skin but fsr the spray makes it incredibly sexy. It actually got sexier the second time (this time) that I looked at it. Good for him.

6/10: Reasons for this rating, while I love the pose and intimidation this spray is posing, I also get sad to see Sieb’s strained expressions. I think his powers do have limits and they do effect him depending. And seeing all this big ass heavy equipment on him gives me conflicted feelings. He has a lot to carry, and he’s just lucky he has gravity powers to help. (I mean this metaphorically and literally.)

7/10: I love the art and concept on this one. He’s just so grumpy looking is all. My poor boy. 

9/10: He’s 7 ft tall and it shows and I am here for it. 

9/10: Remember when I said I was conflicted about seeing all that equiptment on him? Well its true, but I’m just going full thirst on this spray to say look at how fucking massive this man is. I want him to grab me with those hands and pitch me like a baseball. 

4/10: The pained expression in this along with the concept of it (as well as connection once again to his trauma) unsettles me and makes me feel the brain hurting juice. Nothing further.

1000000000000000000/10: This is one of my favorite sprays because its just casual work setting and gives me more insight on his lab uniform. His hair here also gets me barking like a rabid chihuahua. 

10/10: This gets a solid rating for A) Lab Coat Outfit and B) Seeing him again with the help of an object to stim while he thinks. (The squeeze ball) 

10/10: I cant not give halloween Sieb a solid score. I think this is adorable, but I don’t believe it’s Sieb as a kid. I think it’s just a child dressed up like him with no attachment to lore or anything. But its still very cute. 

100/10: I love the pixel sprays so much, simple and cute. 

6/10: I’m really not too crazy about the pose for the dragon spray. I feel like they could’ve done something a little more dynamic especially given he has gravity powers. But alas. 

9/10: This spray is on the same level as the apple head spray from earlier on in the post. Congrats if you’ve made it this far btw. But I love the soft expression on the left being challenged with the frightened/frustrated one on the right. 

0/10: I am not fond of this spray because of how much pain he appears to be in along with the implications all the junk flying around him has. Upsets me. 

50/10: I don’t care about the fish onions I just care about looking at my husbands huge ass arms and seeing him enjoy a smelly fish treat. Its what he deserves. Also what that mouth do. 

10/10: Solid perfect score because I have strong emotions about Van Gogh. And I think the interest between Siebren and Van Gogh, especially as two men who were/are fighting with mental illness speaks volumes about Sieb’s character. This spray makes me feel something in my chest that I can’t whole heartedly explain, but it isn’t a bad thing. 

10/10: Another perfect score, because I think this spray is a good mixture of Sieb’s character between the musical elements and his scientific work. He’s also smiling which is rare to find in his sprays.  

544386238043723507435742634387236804307403857435748035474803548744307384385740385748037408357438570480bark bark barK BARK /10: sexiest image in the entire game of overwatch nobody @ me i dont take constructive criticism