#but its probably fine it won't give you cancer

[transformers-synergize]

How dangerous is energon for humans in synergize? Obviously they can’t like. Drink it. But is touching it dangerous?

Energon isn't exactly safe, but it's not extremely dangerous as long as it's handled properly. Energon is sorta like supercharged battery acid, at least in the way it affects humans. Skin contact with energon will result in painful burn chemical burns and often can leave noticeable scarring. Energon also has a unique constant electric charge. Both effects can be avoided using protection such as gloves or transporting it in non-conductive material.

Energon also emits a unique energy wave, the same one emitted by cybertronian sparks and the Allspark itself. The long-term effects on organics exposed to these energy waves are mostly unknown, if there even is an effect at all. Energon effect on organics is poorly studied, and with the variety of biological life structures, organic comes in across the universe. Even if there was a lot of research on it, it likely wouldn't be fully applicable to earth life.

Also Ya, if you drink energon, you gonna die or at least have permanent debilitating organ damage. 

[randomfoggytiger]

Gethsemane, Bill Scully Apologia, and Maggie the Emergency Contact

Dialogue and Play-By-Play Analysis:

Bill: "I picked up the phone when they called Mom. I thought you could use a change of clothes."

Scully: "Thank you... where's Mom?"

Believing her cancer is still a secret, Scully automatically places Bill's importance below her mother, wanting to talk freely with Maggie (without Bill.) Bill sees and understands this; and is hurt that she still won't open up to him despite being here, now, for her. As of yet, he doesn't act on that hurt.

Bill: "I didn't tell Mom what happened...."

Scully: "...But I'm okay. Luckily."

Bill: "You're not okay, Dana."

Scully: "I told Mom not to tell you."

Bill: "Why?"

Scully: "Because it's very personal. Because I don't want sympathy."

For all of the just criticism against Bill later in this arc, here he is holding back his anger (an expression of his hurt) and listening, really listening to his sister. He keeps quiet, giving Scully room to fully explain herself; and even sympathetically locks eyes, giving her his full attention.

Another thing of note: he is staring at Scully with the exact look of sympathy she wanted to avoid. Mulder and Maggie know her enough to acquiesce to her "I'm fine"s; but Bill is her life-long peer, and siblings can't hide truths from each other as effectively as they can their parents or partners.

"You think you can cure yourself."

Bill realizes that his sister never told her own family-- him-- about her cancer because she does, even now, believe she can cure herself. He's stunned, shocked, even appalled; and that leaks into his voice, coming across as judgmental.

Scully doesn't deny it, caught; and sighs, frustrated, that he divined and overly-simplified something she hadn't expressed to anyone and probably would not have been able to without a beautiful speech prepared ahead of time.

"Mom tells me that you've gotten worse. That your cancer's gone into your bloodstream."

This explains why Maggie told Bill in the first place: she cracked under the strain Dana's edict of secrecy put her under, watching her daughter slowly die without any apparent attempts to circumvent that death or even to bond over their shared tragedy. Bill became her only recourse... and Bill spilled the beans (as he does, again, in A Christmas Carol.)

Scully is shaken by his bluntness, unable to shy away from the truth spoken so baldly to her face.

"What are you doing at work getting knocked down? Beaten up? What are you trying to prove-- that you're going to go down fighting?"

Scully: "Now, c'mon Bill--"

Scully is deferring back to an old sibling dynamic: Bill misunderstanding, or only understanding enough to feel she's acting out of turn; and her attempting to draw him away from his preconceived notions. In this case, however, he's right; and she's avoiding the truth of that (subconsciously.)

Bill stops her by slapping down the clothes, getting her full attention.

"Y'know what Mom is going through? Why do you think I didn't tell her when they called?"

"What should be doing?"

Bill: "We have a responsibility-- not just to ourselves, but to the people in our lives."

And he's absolutely correct here: Scully has been so focused on work and its promise of a cure that she's forgotten to give space to those suffering alongside her.

"Just, just because I haven't bared my soul to you or to Father McCue or to God, it doesn't mean I'm not responsible to those important to me."

Here Scully reveals she thought emotional distance and soldiering on was her way of protecting her loved ones from her burdens, providing them strength in the face of her worsening health. In reality, it worsened their fears and burdens; and furthered their isolation... except for, ironically, Mulder, who wasn't ready to face the implications of her impending death, anyway.

"To who? This guy Mulder? But where is he, Dana? Where is he through all this?"

Bill is less right here: from his perspective, Dana has (once again) wrapped herself up with a man whose authority and work ethic supersedes Bill's love and concern for his sister-- another in the pattern of their late father and Daniel Waterston and Jack Willis. Bill isn't stupid: his above reproach also reveals he knows Mulder knows about Scully's cancer; and the fact that her partner did and still left her alone to deal with it to "pursue his career" while Bill hasn't been able to be there to support her at all eats away at him, makes him hate the man. (And still he's civil when he meets Mulder, even talks with him in terms he believes a workaholic will understand-- "Let's keep the work away from here"-- only getting rough when he misinterprets Mulder's blank face in response-- "Let her die with dignity.")

Despite being wrong here, Bill still hits the mark; because Mulder did wander off on a quest. But Scully can't argue for Mulder without betraying her own reticence, her own need to keep Mulder in the dark for Mulder's sake-- because that would betray her feelings in a way that she doesn't want to discuss with Bill, especially after Mulder has consistently dodged that serious conversation for years now. So, she picks up her clothes and ends the conversation.

In-Depth Analysis

Maggie Was Scully's Emergency Contact

The hospital called Maggie when Scully was rushed in, unconscious; and while this doesn't outright disprove the theory Mulder might also be an emergency contact, it certainly fits in with the pattern of him being called to the hospital and let into Scully's room by Maggie and not the other way around (i.e. One Breath and Wetwired.) Furthermore, Mulder isn't alerted (that I know of) to a missed call from the hospital after his return to civilization, meaning the hospital didn't notify him at all.

Bill the Bully?

Is Bill a despicable figure? Most definitely... in a deleted Memento Mori scene-- which is why I think they cut it. Though his words are brusque, even cruel in their blunt honesty, Bill, apart from that scene, doesn't seem to willfully inflict or weaponize guilt against his sister, wielding it only as a reminder of how much her family is left out of her life, how much they want to be there for her and don't understand why she won't let them in. It's a fundamental difference in how they approach life; and both are forceful about their insistence on doing things their own way.

Scully is used to being everyone's source of strength (Maggie places her on a pedestal even above her brothers in Memento Mori), which hinders her from opening up or betraying her weakness. Being "the strong one" for so long turned into a fear of failing others; but this reticence has the opposite effect, ostracizing and distancing her family (and Mulder) in her struggles to keep them unaffected. Their divide grows as the years go on (though it seems an equilibrium of sorts has been reached after Emily, since she mentions them fondly in How the Ghosts Stole Christmas and indirectly in Millennium.)

Bill Is Right (in This Instance)

On its face, Bill's speech is unrelenting and out of left field... but is it, really?

Bill is told about his sister's cancer only when it has become irredeemably terminal. He arrives on land, either before or after Maggie's revelation, and finds the rest of the family ignorant and his mother having to shoulder that burden, alone, because his sister refused to let her tell anyone else the news-- meaning, Maggie has been suffering in silence the entire cancer arc, trying to abide by her daughter's terms for space and silence on the topic. However, Scully's definitive terminal diagnosis broke her; and Maggie, having no one to turn to support because Dana still refused to talk about it, finally confessed to her priest and reached out to her son for strength. Bill sees how hard this has been on her and tries to alleviate that burden by adopting his sister's methods: keeping Maggie in the dark as much as possible. It honors what he knows to be his sister's wishes and his mother's fears.

In this scene Bill is absolutely in the right. He and his sister, while not incredibly close, have no ill will between them; and he finds out that not only has she been slowly dying for months and sworn their mother to secrecy but she also still refused to tell him, even when he dropped everything to bail her and Maggie out with this act of kindness. This is wrong-- it is-- and his speech rebuking his sister is as deserved as Scully's are to Mulder whenever he acts only in stubborn self-interest.

Bill is hurt, Bill is grieved; and Bill drives that home, peeling back his sister's denial by exposing her true intent: "You think you can cure yourself." The ludicrous nature of her expectations-- cure incurable cancer and never tell a soul so she won't have to 'suffer' the shame or embarrassment of their sympathy or pity-- galls him; and he's right. It's Scully's struggle and her burden; but it's not just her struggle or burden: her family and loved ones are losing her, too, and that pain is just as powerfully frightening. Bill wants more from her than an immovable pillar of strength-- and that's a good thing. Maggie needed her to be "the strong one", and Mulder needed her to keep fighting; but Bill just wanted his sister to tell him the truth and let him in.

A last note: Bill grew up with Dana-- he knows her propensity to get lost in father figures and demanding authorities. He probably sees Mulder as another Daniel Waterston or Jack Willis, an extension of her undisguised adoration for their late father. He's naturally protective (as we see in Redux II, though grossly misplaced) and thinks Scully is losing that stability in herself the more engrossed she becomes in her work (ex. Gethsemane-Redux II and A Christmas Carol.) These fears and concerns are expressed in overbearing finger-wagging and anger rather than communication, a (sadly) common affliction in a family growing a more distant with time and lives necessarily apart.

Scully Believed She Could Cure Herself

Since Memento Mori, Scully's modus operandi has been to avoid, avoid, avoid the topic of her cancer (and the death of her father, her abduction, etc.) The following cases rarely touched on her illness unless she had a concerning diagnosis or needed further treatment, i.e. Zero Sum and Elegy. Radiation was likely ruled out as ineffective since the skirmish with Dr. Scanlon (and was a drain of her valuable energy and health without any chance of helping, regardless); so, Scully probably opted for more obscure treatments, buying time while she and Mulder chipped away at their work.

In the back of her mind, she believed, truly, that she wouldn't die: that her cancer could be tucked away from her family and cured before Bill or the others ever found out. As we know, Maggie bore the brunt of her daughter's edict of silence alone, finally caving when the cancer reached Scully's bloodstream. When Bill waits for an explanation-- staring at his sister's defiance and stubbornness and pure conviction that she's fine and that the family shouldn't be worried about her at all-- he figures out her blind expectation and avoidance-bordering-on-denial and says, appalled: "You think you can cure yourself." Scully dips her head, exposed and embarrassed.

The beginning of Gethsemane proves Scully was still denial: "my dying wish" she professes on the one hand only to reject the priest and shake her head at Bill with the other. No, Scully did not expect to die alone without her family there. When Bill demands, "We have a responsibility-- not just to ourselves, but to the people in our lives", she parries, "Just because I don't bare my soul to you or to Father McCue or to God." Scully thought she was doing her duty by keeping her loved ones in her thoughts while carrying out her solitary battle. When Bill strips her of her further excuses-- "Who? To this guy Mulder?"-- it peels back her hyper-focused perspective, reminding Scully that it's not just her and Mulder fighting the world.

She did her family and Mulder and herself a disservice by pushing them all away to "protect them", as she realizes in Redux II: being "strong" stripped them of the ability to support each other and was damaging in the long run. In this, Bill is undeniably correct. However, where Bill is wrong is that he doesn't see that Scully believes in Mulder's ability to save her, that by following him she is doing what is best for herself.

Her partner's fervor and hope give her strength; and his inability to break under defeat keeps her fighting even in her darkest hours (and does end up saving her life.) Scully put such faith in Mulder and his abilities and his theories that she kept council only with herself (as much as possible) to keep him going, to keep the weight off his shoulders (and her mother's and her family's) so that they could move forward as a well-oiled machine, ready to snatch the cure whenever they got their hands on it. And Mulder did get his hands on it... and then it failed.

She's dying; but it's not until the cure fails that the dam breaks: everything Scully had been fearing comes rushing out of her. She gives in, crying to her mother about her crumbling lack of faith-- because the miracle cure didn't work, because her months of waiting and hoping in private were all for naught, because she's going to die and there's no possible way to escape. But it's also freeing: she can own her fear, hold onto her mother, clutch Mulder's hand, cry with the priest, finally lean into and start to heal from the weights she's been holding on her back, alone.

And she prays: death is near.

Scully Wanted to Please Bill, Too

As she told Ed Jerse in Never Again, "There are other fathers."

The ouroboros twirls on and on in her personal life, goading her to both make a stand for herself and to placate Bill's expected reactions. In this situation, she did deserve his anger; however, this dynamic continues to play out in Redux II and A Christmas Carol, separate circumstances that are outside Bill's scope of understanding or perspective. After each confrontation, her brother always backs off and begrudgingly acquiesces his sister's boundaries; but it's easy to see why he clings to his late father's behaviors-- viewing them as the only way his sister will confide in him-- and why Scully automatically responds to-- albeit with more guilt than openness-- and rejects his methods.

It's an aspect of their relationship that fell to the wayside as the series barreled onward; but there are hints of resignation on his part after the events of Emily unfolded the way they did (silent support in the courthouse and true remorse in the church.) Scully, however, is locked in grief and unwilling to open back up, yet. We're never shown on-screen what happens next; but he seems to have caused her no further problems in spite of her professional and personal scares in the future (including almost being burned alive, an unexpected trip to Antarctica, job demotion, and getting gut shot all within the span of a few months.) Perhaps he gave her up for loss, perhaps he stayed close but distant, perhaps he withdrew from the drama all together. We'll never know; and, ultimately, it's up to individual interpretation.

Conclusion

This scene sets up the hinge upon which the cancer arc (and any future Scully family drama) twists and turns.

I don't believe Bill is bad, or even malevolent: he, like any other person in a family strained with distance and death, doesn't seem to blame Scully entirely or for long; and only wishes to get through to her somehow. We saw him bully her as a child but we also saw him gift and teach her how to use a bb gun. Scully, meanwhile, balks at and softens over Bill's bluster and overstepping, always effectively putting him in his place after courteously listening to his opinion. We saw her yell and shove him as a child but we also saw her gleefully play alongside he and Charlie.

In conclusion: like all sibling relationships, there are headbutts and there are fights; but it seems, at least by their conversation here and succeeding ones in the future, that any hitch or bump in the road is smoothed over, ironed out, or fixed before it becomes permanent. Bill makes excellent points that Scully takes into consideration, changing her future dealings with Maggie and Bill and even Mulder (namely, her willingness to open up in Detour); and Bill, having said his peace, supports his sister in her decisions the rest of this arc and later in S5.

That we know about.

Thank you for reading~

Enjoy!

[kwnnys]

— main 4 fasting for the first time!

hcs : g/n reader a/n : for my muslim brothers nd sisters 🙏🙏 reader is muslim and asks the boys to try fasting w them for ramadan :D

— stan marsh

quite intrigued when you first bring it up, also pretty hesitant to try it

"wait so like- no food or water? for a whole day? are you sure I wont die..."

but with a little bit convincing, stan will eventually agree!

he starts off strong and confident 💪 bragging to the group and telling them all about fasting

but that confidence slowly dies as the hours pass... and poor boy gets so tired

he knows you said that while fasting that you should be as productive as possible, but hes just so tired and drowsy he cant help it 😭

he tries to play basketball with his friends, or even doing his homework. but he just can't focus on anything

he ends up sleeping the rest of the day till iftar

he apologizes and feels so bad 😓, but you tell him its fine since its his first time

I dont' think he'd do it again the next day or anytime soon, but maybe give it a few years and he might be able to fast all 30 days :D

— kyle broflovski

like stan also very intrigued and curious

he'll ask you alot of questions and take a few notes, before ultimately agreeing

hes a little nervous at first, but you manage to ease him with some words of affirmation!

tries to just distract himself for the whole day. studying, chores, video games, etc.

he doesn't make a big deal about it, but is definitely suffering on the inside

tbh the hardest part for him isn't the actual fasting, but not being able to swear or be mad (especially considering kyle has a short temper) 💀

cartman definitley takes advantage of this and calls him every name in the book. also purposely eats infront of him.

"hey stupid jew. look what I've got, a chocolate cake. you want some? oh wait, YOU CANT!" "...I swear to god cartman."

almost broke his fast cause of him. 😭

but anyways, he manages to successfully finish his fast!

he would do it again, maybe in a few days if you asked.

— eric cartman

when you first tell him about fasting and ramadan, he'll literally be SO flabberghasted.

"wait wait wait, so you're telling me you can't EAT or even drink WATER for 30 days? you trying to get me killed or something?"

it'll take alot of convincing to get him to fast with you

alooot of convincing.

but when he eventually agrees, he will be SO dramatic about it and overexaggerates everything

"oh my god, I think Im dying. tell kyel.. I hope he gets cancer.."

refuses to go to school or even get out his room

liane gets very concerned about him, and'll constantly ask you if he'll be okay and won't die

you assure her that its completely fine, especially considering he ate almost half the fridge during suhoor.

he talks to his stuffed animals to try and cope.

tried to secretly eat a piece of candy while you weren't looking 💀you'll have to keep a close eye on him if you want him to actually finish his fast.

he'll definitely hold a grudge against you the whole day and refuse to talk to you.

but don't worry, you make it up to him by taking him to kfc for iftar 😋

bro literally ordered half the menu and gobbled everything up in a matter of minutes.

safe to say he won't be fasting again anytime soon. or ever again,

— kenny mccormick

the only one in the group who manages to fast with little to no problem

kenny doesn't usually eat much food anyway, so hes all down

the hardest part for him is not being able to have 'dirty' thoughts or look at porno magazines 💀

the guys probably don't even notice that kennys fasting since they know kenny usually eat till you or he brings it up

cartman also takes advantage of this and tries to get him to break his fast with money. (which fails cause you're there to shut him off)

doesn't really have a change in his routine or life, he just does what he normally does

you're surprised by how easy hes taking it tbh

when its time for iftar, you decide to invite him over your house to eat :D

hes shocked at all the food you had prepared by you and your parents, and extremely grateful too

that day he had the biggest meal for the first time in probably a few years 😭

definitely took home some leftovers after for his family.

overall he'd definitely wouldn't mind doing it again! especially if it means being able to go to your house to eat again.

[idontparticularlyliketoast]

What's Killing the Immortal Wallace Larson?

Upon a re-listen, this caught my attention: Yellow seems to be actively killing Larson by possessing him, not just when he’s manifesting. This is phrased as a new development (which I’ll get back to).

We know from Larson’s later monologing that, while the Grand Vizier is under Larson’s control and probably let Yellow know the boys were here somehow, Larson doesn’t know exactly what was said. I don’t think there’s enough left of the Grand Vizier’s mind to come up with a lie that believable on his own, which leads me to believe this is actually the truth.

So, why did Larson start dying once he got a piece of the King in Yellow? Especially given he seems to be at least partially immortal and noted mortal man Arthur is doing fine (assuming there isn't any undiognosed cancers hanging out with John in there). The way I see it, there's three options.

First one is the easiest to find support for: Arthur is simply Built Different. We know this is one of the main reasons Kayne is interested in him, though Kayne's original phrasing in Part Twenty makes this seem like an immediate, situational thing: Larson wasn't absorbing half the King in Yellow with no prior eldtrich associations, he was scooping him up post-Arthur brain dumping him. Maybe that's what stopped his head "popping like a ripe cherry" - or slowed the process, leading to this gradual death the Vizier talks about.

The main hole in this arguement is that the Grand Vizier implies that this is a recent development, not something inherent to the King. This leads us to our second option: Larson's given Yellow some sort of eldtrich power-up, leading to this new dangerous burst of power. This could explain how Yellow can do his old fashioned 'drive em mad enough to brain themselves on a pillar' trick, but John (seemingly) can't. It also seems pretty in character for Larson to give his body passenger a bunch of Cthulhu steroids, even if it's directly harmful to one or both of them.

But, if all Yellow's powers are coming from Larson giving him a great old one drug cocktail (which I think is unlikely), how come John was able to do some of the same things? He manifested, which I must stress was sick as hell, but he also pushed Yellow out of Noel's head. Implying that he had to be able to get into Noel's head in the first place.

This lead us to our third option, and my personal favorite: the new power that was killing Larson is the ability to manifest and affect people's minds that both Yellow and John are able to do. Its a got a bit less support, but in theory, there could be a kind of power threshold, some acceptance of the King in Yellow's powers, which, once passed, made Yellow/John more powerful but also more toxic to their perspective hosts. Growing beyond what can be contained, you might say. I won't lie- part of the reason I was thinking about this was speculation on the next season, and specifically what horrible things may befall our lads. They've somewhat procrastinated their original goal of getting seperate bodies- what if the bill starts to come due? They're going to have to deal with the horrors of hanging out with Kayne (which I have my own theories about), but perhaps they're going to have to deal with a more existential threat as well: John's possesion of Arthur is starting to actually kill him.

Just a bit of food for thought :)

[chilly-me-softly]

It's okay until it's not • Ben Chilwell

Sadness brings sad fic. Be aware there's mention of cancer, even if not explicitly the fiction goes around that topic so I'll understand if you don't want to read it. As always though I hope you like it x

She met Ben when her life needed a change, something powerful that would make her feel emotions that she hadn't been allowed to feel until then. He was one of the few people in her new life who knew her story, who had not treated her differently. One of the few, if not the only one, to whom she had shown her medical record. Everything related to one deleterious disease.

Everything was going in the right direction. She had a job, hobbies, a boyfriend, her social life was quite satisfying and her tests were always within the norm. Everything was fine until it wasn't.

She finds herself in his house when she can't pretend anymore, her legs give out and if it weren't for Ben she would also have a nice bruise to remind her of what happened for the next few days. Ben is worried sick, makes her lie on the couch and checks on her every three seconds even though she has been alert since practically the moment afterwards.

She promises him that she'll go and get some tests to make him feel more relaxed, that it's probably just because she hasn't been eating properly in those days. Because the lecture about eating properly is more bearable than admitting that this is not the first time this has happened to her lately. That there could be more to it.

But in the end she goes for a check-up anyway, her doctor immediately books her all the necessary tests once she explains what is happening to her. They are tense days, almost grateful that Ben is out half of them so she can hide behind some texts.

The test results come back not as she expected, her doctor filling her head with data and statistics and treatments and dates that she can't give proper attention to. She takes her time, the doctor talks about timing. She tells Ben  in the end it was just iron deficiency.

"I need to talk to you" Ben understands instantly this is serious, she has been looking at him for hours as if to gather courage to speak but each time she just stands there staring at him. But she has made a decision and it's only fair that he also learns about the situation, to take his due precautions.

"I lied to you. About my test results"

"It's back isn't it?" a tear escapes her control and he tries to wrap his arms around her to comfort her but she stops him, she knows she won't be able to get back on topic otherwise.

"No wait, I need to tell you some things first" he takes her hand, holding it tightly and thus showing her his closeness.

"It's back yes, and before you ask me what the next step will be-- I'm not going to have chemotherapy"

"What do you mean. Is there anything else you can try?" he asks, confusion clear on his face as he tries to take it all in.

"No, there isn't"

"There isn't or you don't want to?" the grip on her hand loses its power, the shock of even asking that question is too much.

"Ben, I don't want to undergo another round of treatment"

"Why?"

"Because it's already taken most of my life away from me and just now when I was getting it back... it's popping up again" her tone is bitter, almost dismissive that this is all happening again.

"No. No (y/n) you can't be serious" while his is incredulous as slowly it all starts to sink in, his wide eyes watching her while shaking his head.

"Ben please, I need you to understand"

"No! How can I?" and then anger, his coping mechanism after he finally understands and can't bring that thought back a second time. "You don't think about me? So I am nothing to you. Our relationship is not that important to you"

"Now you are selfish"

"Selfish, me? You're practically letting yourself die and I'm selfish?"

"You don't know what it's like - she snaps back at him, trying not to hold it against him - You weren't there before, everything I had to go through. The operations, the hospital, chemo, throwing up, all those side effects... it's easy to talk when you don't experience it first hand"

"You could do it. You could beat it again this time" but she is already shaking her head.

"And then what? What would I get out of it?"

"You'd get more time"

"How? And who would give me the assurance that I would be fine? Do you really want to live with the fear that it might come back at any moment exactly as it is now?" but he doesn't answer. "I'm tired Ben"

"So you're just informing me. You're not going to change your mind"

"No" she manages to reply, the lump in her throat signalling the coming of an impending cry that she has been trying to hold back for some time now.

And she doesn't hold back when Ben finally puts some distance between them. He needs time to process it all too, she couldn't hide it from him and knew that if she had left him he wouldn't have let her go so easily without fighting.

-

A couple of days later the doorbell rings echoing in the silence of her house, Ben at the door. His face is pale, his eyes sunken, a sign that he's not sleeping as he should and she's sorry to be the cause of it all because she wouldn't want this for him.

She lets him in, there's a bit of awkwardness between the two of them and there hadn't been on their first dates either. She doesn't want to assume his being there is to stay, she waits for him to speak but it's hard to put words in order.

"I've thought about it and I want to be there for you. If that's really your decision, I don't want to waste the remaining time arguing" she hugs him tightly reveling in his scent and his arms holding her tightly.

"That's what I want" she murmurs into the hug and he holds her even tighter to him, even though it hurts to hear that.

Over the next few months they try to act like they don't know about it, it's there in the corner of their heads ready to pop up again at any moment but they do everything they can to keep it from happening. They make it at parties as Ben watches her have fun and joins in, the smile on her lips the thing that makes him feel good the most. They make it when she wears his shirt and cheers for him, clumsily imitating in the dim light of their room an action of the game completely aroused and enraptured by the story, making him laugh until his stomach hurts.

He fails when he enters her house and finds her passed out on the kitchen floor.

"No no no no no (y/n) don't do this to me don't do this to me"

She knew that without treatment sooner or later the time would come when she would struggle more and more to recover. She fooled herself it would come as late as possible but with each passing day she realised something was changing, tiredness had started to take over her life now more times she dozed than she smiled.

"Hey" she quickly realised she's in a hospital bed. And she had always told him not to call for help, she knew if she went into that building she would hardly get out.

"You gave me quite a scare"

"I'm sorry" but she certainly can't scold him at that moment, when with just one look you can tell how scared he is. He is handsome though, she can't help but look at him and study him. "I had a dream about you"

"Yeah? What about it?"

"You'll be fine" it only takes a moment for his eyes to fill with tears.

[loominggaia]

You said disabled people are treated bad in Damijana, how exactly?

Hoooo boy, the Empire of Damijana is a dystopian mess in this regard. Strap in, it gets ugly...

First I have to mention that this empire likes to present itself as a perfect utopia. No one's really buying this crap, but the Damijani government still pushes the propaganda as hard as possible, especially to its own citizens. The message is clear:

"This is the best empire on Gaia! Life here couldn't be better! So if you think otherwise, you just need to be re-educated until you realize how good you really have it! ;)"

So here's the thing...the Damijani way of life is simply unsustainable. It's extremely capitalistic, wasteful, pollutive to Gaia, and unhealthy for its citizens (and everyone else).

The empire does not like to acknowledge this fact. It does not like to acknowledge that the culture is has fostered is actively eating itself. It does not like to acknowledge that its way of life is harming its own citizens with cancers and mental health problems. The Shadow Council wants to keep pushing its little worker drones (citizens) to their absolute limit to squeeze as much money out of them as possible, for as long as possible. Any disruption in this status quo will NOT be tolerated.

Let's say you're an average Damijani citizen. You work your ass off in a toxic shipyard every day for a pittance, you've been eating toxic prepackaged garbage for years, and now it's all come to a head: your health fails you. You are now disabled.

In another kingdom, you'd probably just take yourself to the doctor and get treatment for your illness. But this is Damijana, son...if you go to the doctor here, you might get diagnosed with something. And if you have a diagnosis, you might suddenly get government agents monitoring you. You know, just making sure you're not spreading "rumors" that the crappy food you've been eating caused your cancer, or that the brutally long hours at your job caused your mental health issue. Such "misinformation" makes life in the empire look bad, and we can't have that!

If you rack up too many infractions, you might find yourself suddenly getting whisked away to Good Citizen Camp(tm), where you can learn how to behave like a proper Damijan. You will leave when they say you can leave. (You may never leave...you might just spend the rest of your life mining for pyre crystals on Slegelse Island, or be used as a living battery for Project Starlight, or who knows what else...)

So knowing all this, you decide that you're not going to the doctor after all. You're not sick! It's fine! Everything's fiiiiiine! You'll hide your illness like a good little worker bee until it completely cripples you, and then you will hide yourself from society until it kills you. If you're lucky, your family will give you a safe place to hide and take care of you, because the empire sure won't.

Remember, this is a perfect utopia! Nobody is disabled in Damijana. :) And if they are, it's their own fault. And if it's not their fault, yes it is. Why should we give welfare to freeloaders who crippled themselves? Now stop asking questions and get back to work.

Or else.

*

Questions/Comments?

Lore Masterpost

[xf-cases-solved]

can i just take this moment to scream about how much this scene in particular is one of my favorite ones of the entire cancer arc? don't get me wrong, your girl here loves -- LOVES -- when mulder is distraught and going insane about scully being in harm's way in any capacity, like it is my drug of choice and has been for 26 years, i'll never love anything more, but! that said, i think this scene highlights his love for scully in a way that we don't get to see v often

here we have scully, who is struggling not just with her new diagnosis, but also with trying So Hard to pretend like she is Doing Just Fine Thanks, when not a single person in the world but herself would fault her for being vulnerable. and she's slipping here. she just had a nosebleed, which is probably terrifying in its own right bc it's a physical reminder of her illness, but then she also had to go and have it happen in front of mulder, and so that just compounded the negative emotions around it. then, after she cleaned up, she was hit with the news that all of those women that were like her are now dead from the same cancer she was just diagnosed with. all of them, except one, and now mulder is here, asking her to go talk with the remaining woman, and she is TERRIFIED. she knows that seeing penny is going to make her feel like she's staring down the barrel of a gun, and the thin veneer of her shield is chipping away, and so she lashes out. she gets frustrated and snappy, like, "oh, should i just go see what dying of cancer feels like? get a cup of tea and let her tell me in detail how it feels for your body to destroy itself?" even tho she knows that's not what mulder meant, but she can't help herself bc the alternative (admitting to being scared) is too much for her to bear

and mulder is SO SO SO gentle about it, omfg

bc he knows that this is her way of saying, "mulder, i am afraid of what i am going to feel when i see penny. i am afraid to think about being sick, and of dying, and more than that, i am afraid that once i face these things, i won't be able to hide from it anymore. my shield will drop. and once someone else sees me losing my edge, then that's it, that's my epitaph written, bc i do not know how to need help and this is not how i am going to learn"

like mulder clocks that shit immediately

and he doesn't agree with it, obviously. he knows that at some point she is going to have to stop trying to act impenetrable. that if she is going to get through this, she will need to get to a point where she can accept that she has limitations, and accept that she needs help

but

he also knows that that time is not rn. he knows that the wounds are too fresh, and her guard is up too high, and trying to push her that direction is just going to make her shut down more

so he pivots. and what he says and how he frames it is so perfect. it shows that he knows her implicitly. that maybe he doesn't always remember birthdays, and maybe he doesn't always respect her time, and can be dismissive, but he is still paying attention. he still KNOWS her to her core

he tells her to go as an investigator, bc he knows that she values her work and she values her professionalism. HE might have ulterior motives in terms of getting her to go see penny, but he knows how to make her need to see her too

his choice of words when he says, "you have one remaining witness, agent scully" is so deliberate, and it works. it catches her attention. for one thing, she's a military brat, she takes titles extremely seriously, and mulder calling her "agent scully" immediately grounds her. where she was starting to feel untethered by all the emotion, he gives her a way to come back to herself. for another thing, she's a doctor. mulder is appealing to that side of her as well. saying, "you can't look at it personally? look at it professionally, then," bc doctors (and ig fbi agents too) need to have a dissonance between themselves and their patients. she would have had classes about that in medical school -- would have been taught over and over again how to disconnect herself from her job -- and mulder reminds her that she is capable of doing that. "that's just part of the job, right, scully? and you are very good at your job, aren't you?" like she can't refute that without diminishing her own talents

[side note: that whole doctor dissonance thing is a whole thing in "irresistible" during her therapy session, like this is definitely not the first time she's tried to use her professionalism to hide her emotions, and she also refrains from saying the words "i'm scared" in therapy, too. her therapist calls her out for talking in second person. our girl is FUCKED UP mentally lol. but i digress]

and then, lastly, he plays into her intense sense of loyalty and justice. this particular case might be in part to find answers for herself, but there were other victims here too. women, in fact, who had their body autonomy stripped from them, and she has always had the strongest reactions to the cases that involve women who were harmed by men. it happens in the show a million times. she feels an immense sense of duty to avenge these women who can no longer avenge themselves, and if talking to penny is what she needs to do in order to properly investigate this case? then that's what she is going to do

and the delightful part about all of this? is that it actually ends up working exactly how mulder hoped it would. it made her face her own sickness, think about whether or not she wanted to fight it even tho it would be hard and she would have to be vulnerable, and it gave her a chance to put her walls down, if only for a moment

now obviously, it doesn't fix everything. she still remains stubborn af (see: elegy), and like, this girl needs so much gd therapy that she should probably be going three times a week, but at least in this one like, ten second clip, mulder is able to do what i doubt anyone else would have been able to do, and that's firstly: recognize what scully ISN'T saying; secondly: find a way to ground her; and lastly: get her to do something that's actually good for herself without fighting him on it

anyway, i just really like this scene lol

he loves her so much, y'all. so so so much, it's insane

One of the few confrontations conversations they ever really had about her being *sick*, and he taps right into her need to distance herself. Although, I think his words were helpful to them both. 

[iartechcore]

Best Sunscreen For Oily Skin for All Types of Skin

Rivela Lite Sunscreen is like a protective shield for your skin against the sun. It keeps your skin safe from the harmful rays that can cause sunburn or make your skin age faster. The "Lite" part means it's light and won't feel heavy on your skin. It's not greasy, so you won't feel uncomfortable using it every day.

This sunscreen also might work well if you're planning to be in the water. It's probably been tested by dermatologists to make sure it's safe for your skin. Some sunscreens like this one might even have extra good stuff for your skin, like things that keep it moisturized or make it healthier. If you have sensitive skin, it should be okay for you to use. Always check the label for details like how much protection it gives and how to use it.

Rivela Lite Sunscreen has several important uses to keep your skin healthy and protected from the sun. Here are its main uses:

Sun Protection: The primary use of Rivela Lite Sunscreen is to shield your skin from the sun's harmful ultraviolet (UV) rays. It helps prevent sunburn and protects against long-term damage caused by exposure to UVA and UVB rays.

Preventing Premature Aging: Regular use of this sunscreen can help slow down the aging process caused by sun exposure, such as wrinkles, fine lines, and age spots. The broad-spectrum protection works to keep your skin looking youthful.

Reducing the Risk of Skin Cancer: Sunscreen is a crucial tool in reducing the risk of skin cancer. By forming a protective barrier on your skin, Rivela Lite Sunscreen helps prevent the DNA damage that can lead to skin cancer.

Everyday Skin Care: The lightweight and non-greasy formula make it suitable for daily use. You can incorporate it into your skincare routine to protect your skin from sun damage even on cloudy days or during winter when the sun's rays are still present.

Water Activities: If the sunscreen is water-resistant, it's ideal for use during water activities like swimming or water sports. It stays effective even when you're in the water, providing continuous protection.

Comfortable Wear: The "Lite" nature of the sunscreen means it feels light on your skin, making it comfortable to wear throughout the day. It doesn't feel heavy or sticky, encouraging consistent use.

Safe for Sensitive Skin: If dermatologist-tested, the sunscreen is likely safe for those with sensitive skin. It minimizes the risk of irritation or allergic reactions.

Buy Now: Rivela Lite Sunscreen

[two-calicos-in-a-trenchcoat]

You know what I dont get

Why someones mental illness causing them to think they're sick or in pain is used as a reason to not test for the things they say they're experiencing

Like obviously that seems to be mostly just used as an excuse by drs to deny access to care

But that doesn't even make any fucking sense

Like is there any proof that testing for those things wouldn't help them? Give them a little piece of mind that the thing they think they have isn't it? Like idk

Ive had anxiety most of my life over possibly getting cancer. Its gotten a bit worse since my mom had cancer (shes fine now btw) and mixed with my chronic pain and all that, it all kinda adds up

But honestly I feel like ruling that out as a reason for my pain would help my anxiety a lot

Like I dont actually think its the reason

Its far more likely I just have ibs and fibromyalgia

Which both suck

But theyre not likely to kill me

The fear of potentially having something deadly really adds to my daily anxiety levels and ruling out those potentially deadly things, I think, would probably lower that anxiety

Cuz yea it sucks ass to be in pain all the time. But I can deal with the pain if im not worried im gonna drop dead from some deadly disease I didn't know I had

And like. Things I think I ACTUALLY have are generally strongly influenced by anxiety and stress

So lowering my anxiety would likely be beneficial regardless

And if it IS a worst case scenario and it turns out to be something deadly then at least we KNOW about it and can try to do something about it

You cant do that if you dont know that the deadly thing is there at all

Or maybe its not something deadly but it is something completely treatable or easily manageable if you know what you're dealing with

Or maybe they really are just imagining it all. But who cares

And you won't know for sure unless you actually look into it

It just feels like theres no downside to just making sure its nothing bad and running all the tests

[munsonthemisfit]

Okay so

1. Theres a few things that T does, such as changes in weight distribution, deepening voice, stopping of the menstrual cycle, and easier muscle mass gain, that aren't permanent.

I am fine with getting my period again, and once I've figured out a good work out routine to keep my body in relative shape, I won't have to worry too much about the weight and muscle bit, since when I stop it I will be just working to keep the muscle I've already gained and keep any weight off that i don't want. And T hasn't dropped my voice much anyway, so I would need to focus more on training my voice to sound how i want.

However, the permanent changes of facial/body hair, slight change in bone structure, and clitoris uh, enlargement, will not revert back once I stop T, ever. I plan to be on T for a long while still, probably like 5 years or so, to make sure I've gotten all the changes I want out of it before stopping.

2. Yeah, I'm pretty sure it is to make sure that people aren't getting things willy nilly, it is mainly more of a insurance requirement on my end, as well as the two therapist letters, but most people I have talked to that want top surgery are trans masc/trans man anyway. There's actually a different surgery of getting rid of boobs thats more for cases of breast cancer called a masectomy, and that just kinda gets rid of all the tissue there, leaving the chest more... curved in slightly? And while insurance might not cover that if its not actually medically necessary, I have heard of a few people opting for that just to be rid of them. Its not at all common though. Whereas top surgery takes out some of the breast meat (xD) and kinda reshapes the chest a bit.

And for the sterilization thing, I do want to say that they did ask if I wanted to freeze my eggs at the start of all of this. Cause even though T cannot act as actual birth control, it can kinda mess with the eggs and make it a little more difficult to get pregnant. Depends entirely on the person really, but its nice that they offer that before giving you a prescription.

Knife Anon

Idk what I thought T did, but it wasn’t that. I just thought it made the voice drop and ability to grow more body hair and obviously stop the effect of oestrogen as much… The voice deepening isn’t permanent? So, someone who’s voice got a lot deeper from T, their voice would raise in octave if they stopped taking it? I knew about the clitoris enlargement mostly through Trans creators that I follow on twitter and such because they talked about it, I’m unsure on if it’s offensive to call it a clit/t-dick/dick, people call it different things from what I’ve witnessed but I don’t know what words it’s appropriate for someone like me to say so please lemme know when to stfu because I’m not tryna upset anyone!

Is it like… waaaaay more expensive if it’s not done through insurance? I wonder if you could get things done privately without a therapist letter, or if you need to go through therapy and that whole emotional side of things before you get surgery even if you fully funded everything privately. I’m not suggesting do that duh, you’re already ready to go, I’m just curious on where they lay their rules down for processes and such like that. I’ve seen people getting the sickest tattoos over their top scars and it’s so cool seeing how much happier humans are after healing.

[broke-on-books]

About ready to kill a bitch

I hate you Ms. ****** I hate you I hate you I hate you

You DONT make your homework policy clear so I have NO idea if it's being graded or not or if just the online ones are being graded and if just the online ones are then I'm screwed because they count it as a 0% if you do it late and even if not I have a really bad track record with the ones online because the website you use is GARBAGE and only gives you two tries and doesn't accept the format we use in class so I'll put the right answer in and then it'll grade it wrong because I fucked up the formatting and I'm working on the one I missed rn and I'm doing SO bad I'm fucked and have lost it twice already plus jts almost 10pm at night and I still have the other one which is homework due tomorrow so I feel like I have to do it bc what if doing it late screws me over bc I have a 95 in you class but if you decide to put in a whole semesters worth of homework at once I'm fucked bc AGAIN mid year grades go out in a week and half your class is seniors so that's NOT fair and also we asked abt if you graded homework back in DECEMBER and you said you would explain your policy later and then you DIDNT and like I understand you had cancer and everything but that's not cool and I need to know if I'm going to be screwed over or not and I'm probably just freaking out for nothing bc hopefully it won't kill my A and my no. 1 choice prolly won't see mid year anyways bc I did EA (although I wish they fucking did, my grades and courses this year are like 10× better than every other year combined and I'm really mad abt that but just like aaaagggghhhhhhhhhhhhhrrrrrrrrggggggggg

🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕

Trying to decide if I should just say fuck it or not

Like its 10pm and to actually finish this at the rate I'm going it'd probably take 2 hours and like 5 crying breakdowns

I may just say a fuck you Ms. ****** and move on

I may leave it and hope that my friend whose grade is really on the edge and did really garbage on the online homeworks (the paper ones are fine!!!!!! I literally did all of the paper and turned it in on time*! It's literally just the online garbage which is <5% our total hw) will fight the battle for me

*ish

The worst part is that she's actually a good math teacher and a nice lady. Just with this one thing in particular she's been unclear and is about to screw over like 60% of her class 🤬

[astrobiche]

Astro notes 6 ~ callout edition~ 🗣️

Yall already know the drill : take what resonates as this is a generalization and the whole chart matters. If you can't take a roasting, pls scroll away 🧚

My sag mercury virgo mars won't hold back so it could sting 🐝

• Aries placements, what's with you and making plans to hang out when you know damn well you'll never follow through with them? also can you SLOW DOWN? You wanna get 289283 things done when you dont even know how to begin anything properly yet, so impatient you try to give everyone else a headache when you already got one, deal with that first then get on with making plans and shit 🤨

• taurus placements, the world isn't gonna be out to get you if you share personal information or your aspirations. Also, stop complaining about homework and daydreamig about marrying rich as a coping mechanism for when you're behind on all the stuff you gotta do 🤨

• gemini placements, we know you're smart, you don't need to argue with the teacher about that theorem to prove you can outsmart them. I know you got all the tea on everyone but you don't like it when people got tea on you? 🤨 also when will you finally realize you talk too much? And you know you wont die if you dont flirt for fun right? Right?

• cancer placements, for the love of god, use another word besides "i feel like/i feel that/ feeling" for when you want to express yourself. Also can you stick to something and not wake up the next day hating that hobby you claimed you loved the day before? And in case you're wondering, yes it is manipulation if you're playing with their feelings and being "nice" just to get them to do something for you. Also get ur ass out of bed jeez. 🤨

• leo placements, you can't just adopt all the cats in the world. I know its hard but you gotta practice some restraint. Also, nobody needs to reply to your text right away? They're not necessarily disrespecting you. You can say you don't like attention all you want but we all know you secretly enjoy it, and flash news : not everyone is jealous of you, the world doesn't revolve around you 🤨

• virgo placements, baby calm down it will be just fine i know you worry all the time, i know every time you see a situation/person you try to fix them but you REALLY don't have to. And can you not be so condescending? The way you talk as if you know everything better than everyone ain't it chief 🤨 and i know you dream about becoming a CEO or get a high position job so bad because you believe you have the power to make the best decisions and you'll get a paid for criticizing everything and everyone hmm

• libra placements, that bag is SO cute but if you keep buying every pretty thing you see in the store, you'll go broke in no time. Also, can you slow down on watching all those makeup tutorials and dreaming about ~the perfect relationship~? And why do you wanna be a scorpio so bad? You also get so irritated when someone copies you as if you didnt base your entire personality off of that one classy character from that netflix show? Make it make sense 🤨

• scorpio placements (dominants especially), you don't have to hide all the time and push people away when they're trying to get you to open up, it's healthy to talk about your problems. And black isn't the only color that exists y'know? You wanna be mysterious so bad like pack it up water sign we know you're spilling all your cherished secrets to a stranger online at 2am 🤨

• sag placements, you love challenges right? I have the perfect one for you : *drumroll* #make up your mind challenge! See it through and you win a trip to europe. And have you ever considered maybe just maybe there's probably no deep meaning to that little trip to the grocery store? And for the love of god, pay attention to your surroundings and stop knocking over every object you walk past. i know sagittarius rules thighs so what do you do? You use them to run away from your problems 🏇 they're gonna be waiting for you no matter how far you're travelling buddy 🤨

• cap placements can YOU STOP TAKING EVERYTHING SO SERIOUSLY? jeez also its fine to ask for help, its not humiliating i promise. you pack everything down and lock it up until all the pent up emotions just explode out of nowhere, it's honestly scary 😟 you claim to be all professional but deep down you wish someone would just give you a hug and baby you so cut the act 😐 also you can be so rigid?! It's fine if you switch things up a little from time to time. And sorry not sorry, you don't get enough shit for being two faced 🤨

• aquarius placements, i know you keep talking about how leos seek attention 24/7 as if you dont crave the same thing?? You'll die if your friends dont listen to your advice or check up on you, also you probably didnt know this but listening to mainstream songs wont make you lose cool points 🤨 and here's a new concept for you when you get mad : ~communicate~ instead of giving people the cold shoulder, leaving them wondering what they did wrong. You've been having that song on loop for the past 5 days i think your ears are about to sue you bruh 😟 also we gotta work on that god complex and inferiority complex? Like damn pick a struggle 🤨

• pisces placements, you weren't born to save them okay? Know when to walk away. And it's not good for you to indulge in every new little thing you stumble upon. And for once can you admit you're wrong 🤨 you always act like you're a victim and everyone else is ~evil~ 👹 here consider this : maybe it's your fault? Also you're mad scary when you get mad like damn the fact nobody sees it coming is what makes it so chilling 😟 i know you wanna keep living in lalaland and use any means to get there *wink* but bruh you gotta come back to earth and learn to distinguish fantasy from reality, stop trying to drown pain in liquor and go to therapy if needed 🤨

[leonicscorpio]

Batboy Headcanons because I made this for me but you all can enjoy this too if want. (May contain mild NSFW)

Dick:

Has a weird relationship with unwanted gaze and the attention he receives because of his physique. He genuinely likes the attention but he draws the line when people start getting touchy. Just because he's shirtless working out doesn't mean he gave you consent to touch him.

Has good dieting skills but he's in his mid-late 20's and his metabolism has 0 signs of slowing down. He once ate a whole xl bag of M&M's in front of Steph and Babs and both said they wanted to murder him because he won't gain a pound.

Dick has ADHD and I'm sorry if you don't think otherwise. He has hyperactive type ADHD and while he's gotten better at controlling his symptoms he still stims stretching and flexing his arms and shaking his arms.

While not so much in Gotham, Dick is very politically active and volunteers at voter registration and working with organizations with the mission of police demilitarization in Blüdhaven.

Dick is a very sexually driven individual. However, I don't think it's entirely healthy. His ADHD also comes into play with this but Dick just needs to have a release at least twice a day or he'll feel physically sick.

I don't know if you all have seen male gymnasts. But Dick, like the rest of them, has FREAKSISHLY large biceps. Everyone talks about Dick has the best ass in the bat family and while Jason may be larger and stronger, Dick has the best physique.

Dick's apartment is littered with sticky notes in places such as the fridge/in front of his computer. If it's not written down and in a place where he can't ignore it, it's not going to get done.

I'm sorry I know everyone says his birthday is in March but I have to go to the older Nightwing comics and say his Birthday is December 1st. I want you to look me in the eyes and tell me this man doesn't give off Sagittarius energy. You can't. I respect you but you can't look at that and tell me that man isn't a Sagittarius or has super heavy Sag in his birth chart.

Dick's at home doing nothing but chilling? You best believe he's gonna be shirts off, tits out, and rocking some blue flannel PJ's.

Dick is currently the only member of the family asides from Barbara who is regularly attending therapy. And he actively encourages each of his brothers and sisters to go every time.

After his Agent 37 days. He sits down with Jason and talks about having to use a gun and how hard it was. And how having to kill people has affected him. When he had to kill the KGBeast (Agent 37 days he snapped his neck) I headcanon Dick just trauma v*mit*d. Jason hugged him and just consoled him.

It's canon that Dick has anger issues but to me, it's not explored or talked about enough and not a lot of people like to talk about it. Dick is very much the 'if I ignore it it'll go away' type when it comes to his anger and he can brush most insults or harassment off fine enough. But when he breaks, he makes Jason look like a saint. I'm talking slamming you into a wall and screaming in your face angry. He'll be profusely apologetic afterward but still.

Despite popular belief, I don't think he's that bad of a cook. He's just not very experimentative. He can follow a recipe and does look at some guides. But to me, Dick Grayson just is that guy who is like Chicken veggies and rice are a meal that I can cook 4-6 times a week.

Dick has a slight fear of dentists. He doesn't have bad teeth and has good dental health. He just doesn't like the idea of a drill going in his mouth and the few times Bruce has to take him to a dentist he had a panic attack every time.

Everyone lives for the fics where Jason beats the shit out of Tim and everyone is just like lol well Bruce and Dick just forgives him. No. When Dick found out it was Jason who beat Tim to the ground, Dick was literally seething and told Jason "Pick on someone your own size or else I'll make you wish you back in that f'ing coffin."

Dick's favorite foods (some based in Canon*): Milk Chocolate*, Cereal*, Asparagus, Bananas, Banana flavored candy, Hawaiian Pizza* (suffer its canon) Rum, thanksgiving Turkey.

Jason:

He may be the self-diagnosed black sheep (rightfully so) of the family, but Jason does genuinely love spending time with his siblings. Whether it be sharing memes with them on social media or just randomly showing up where they are and abducting them to go get ice cream/coffee/snacks.

He'd probably attempt to harm you if you told him this to his face. But he is the closest acting to Bruce out of all of the family. In terms of mannerisms and inherent warmth and kindness behind a dark façade.

Has two moods: either exceptionally, almost neat-freak levels of clean, or his life is completely falling apart and Jason can't tell you for sure what color his floors are because there's so much stuff scattered about.

Despite their initial hatred of each other, Jason truly feels closest to Tim and Tim is the only person asides from maybe Barbra who he can just talk to without feeling any judgment.

Jason only smokes when he's extremely nervous about an operation or a hit. For those who don't know criminal justice cigarettes are the fastest way to get genetic material on someone. That being said he does still like to smoke occasionally.

Me, plus a lot of people give him this sort of 'Lazarus Rage' as I like to call it. When he's in the heat of a mission or if he's getting upset/angry his vision will get blurred with green, and it feeds on his anger and just gets perpetually harder to contain until he releases it. Jason has gotten much better at controlling it. But as he will tell Tim or Babs, he's "seeing green" which means they need to be careful because Jason could kill.

Everyone says Dick is the mother hen. I see you, I accept you, but let me raise you. Jason came to realize that he died because of his rash decision to go after The Joker alone. If Jason finds any of his siblings out acting alone, or even at the very least without Oracle. Jason WILL forcefully interject himself and ask them what the fuck they think their doing.

I've said it before and I'll say it again. Trying to get close to Jason is hard. He will degrade you can attempt to try to get you to hate him before he lets you in (that cheeky Tsun of him)

He genuinely cares for and supports all of his siblings but has been rough on them needlessly. But if Bruce is being the distant or absent parent he is, you better believe if any of the siblings drops him a text or a call, Jason will be there in a heartbeat.

He's the most physically powerful of the whole Bat Family. You don't understand because of his time in the League, his time with the All-Caste, and having abused Venom for a time, he can snap an arm bone like it's a carrot with little effort.

Everyone in the family likes dogs and goes out of their way to gush over a dog, but Jason takes it to a whole new level. And even when he's masked up dogs just gravitate to Jason.

Can and has grown a beard in a matter of a few days. He usually likes to be clean shaven but some days he likes to wear a beard just to throw everyone off.

One time him, Steph, Tim, and Duke all went to a restaurant (Red Robin lol) and the waitress got his order wrong and his burger had raw tomatoes on it, Jason took the tomatoes off and ate it while looking absolutely miserable. Tim: Jay why did you eat that you didn't have to you know you could have asked the server to fix your burger. Jason, almost in tears: "She works really hard and she tried and I'm a scary dude I don't want to make her upset.." Duke: "... Jason you literally shot at a cop for looking at you funny the other day. But you're afraid of upsetting a waitress?!? I mean ACAB but dude.. "

Jason's happiest big brother moment™ was taking Tim and Damian to the shooting range and watching them both get their first bullseye.

You can't tell me Jason Todd was into the Emo/Screamo/Warped-Tour Scene. His favorite bands/Albums in no particular order, That's the Spirit (Literally the whole album is Jason Themed and I'm gonna die on this hill) & Sempiternal by Bring me the Horizon, Digital Renegade & Everyone's Safe in the Treehouse by I See Stars, The Resistance: Rise of the Runaways by Crown the Empire,

Jason Todd's favorite foods: (Also some based in Canon*) Burgers, Chili Dogs*, Lager-style beers, Freshly baked bread*, Neopolitan ice cream, grilled corn, and Chinese Chicken noodle soup with Duck.

Tim:

This boy *slaps car roof* gives off so much asexual energy. I know New 52 exists but I just feel like Tim is the person who really, REALLY has to trust you and like you before he's sexually active with you.

HYPERFIXATES. You also can't tell me Tim isn't on the spectrum/or has ADHD.

Is the only member of the family who regularly checks up on Jason and talks to him every day via text message. The two are memelords together and love to play pranks on the other members.

While Dick may give the most frequent hugs and Jason gives the tightest, most secure hugs, Tim's hugs are always the warmest and make you just feel good.

Tim's birthday is July 19th. Meaning he's a Cancer. Let that sink in.. no, really let that information just soak. (Note I have nothing against Cancer women, cancer men however....)

All of the bat boys really struggle with talking about their feelings. Dick will manipulate you into changing the subject via twisting it to be about you, Jason will just cut you off or will ignore you, Damian will deflect everything and harass you until you stop, Tim however, Tim is very emotional and while he's very calculated about who he's emotional with, he's not afraid to break down and cry if he trusts you.

Everyone who says he's the level headed Robin haha how's it feel to be WRONG. Tim is at best the least functional college student and at worst a lemming. 'No Tim, coffee isn't a meal I'm going to make you some food or I'm going to stick you in a room with Damian for an hour.' Richard (Dick) John Grayson.

People overblow how addicted to caffeine Tim is. But it's true. Just overblown. You can talk to him before he's had his caffeine just don't expect him to be anything but curt and blunt.

Everyone says Jason would be the worst at texting but it's Tim. He's the master of leaving you on read. While Jason may do it on purpose, Tim is just really bad at texting people and while he always will read your messages he forgets to respond unless it's really funny or really pressing.

Everyone sees Tim as this bean pole super skinny boy Robin. Tim may not be stacked like Dick or a freaking tank like Jason, but Tim is NOT super skinny. He's just as muscular and likes to work out as anyone, but he just is super lean, so he looks a lot bigger and his muscles are more defined because of how thin his skin is. He has those almost disgusting spider veins on his arm. Kind of gross to look at, but he's the dream of any nurse. This means Tim is also the king of accidentally sending/posting thirst traps.

He really is the glue of the Bat Family. Everyone kidnaps Tim for 'Tim Time'.

Dick likes to spar with and in general just hang out with Tim. Tim tried to teach Dick how to skateboard and you'd think the boy who mastered the trapeze would know how to skateboard but you'd be wrong.

Babs and Tim always hang out and talk about computer stuff and Babs knows she can vent to Tim about anything and he won't say a word.

Tim and Steph were a thing for a while and even though they're just friends now, they still are very close and the two have a very deep bond, liking to shop with each other and watch movies,

Cass just loves to be around Tim because of how calming he is but also she knows she can spar with him AND Cass can also skateboard with Tim too.

Even though him and Damian are always fighting, the two still end up being together and have this unspoken bond. They work great together on a team but other than that they still hate each other.

And while everyone still is hesitant around Jason, and despite the fact that Jason literally beat Tim to within an inch of his life, AND would still trigger Tim and taunt him about it. The two have this odd closeness that rivals even him and Steph. Tim will always be the first to bat for Jason. Jason was Tim's Robin. And despite the fact Jason literally beat it into Tim's head to "never meet your heroes." Tim will always be there for Jason should he ask. The two are just close. And it's hard to describe. Bruce has caught Tim and Jason just platonically sleeping next to each other or just doing their own things shoulder to shoulder silently, just enjoying each other's company.

Tim and Duke also have a really positive relationship with one another and the two can stay up all night just talking about anything. Their minds just mesh well together. The two also love to team up and prank the other members of the Batman Family.

Tim's favorite ASMR/Stim? Watching those Tik Toks of people cleaning computers or cleaning phones. The sound of an air duster is like music to his ears and if any of the Bats need their technology cleaned it secretly makes Tim so happy to help them.

Wear his hair up or wear his hair down? It depends! While Tim likes his long hair he also has gotten plenty of compliments for his short hair and likes to style it to suit any occasion.

My one pet-peeve with Tim is that he probably is that person who lets his privilege show from time to time. While he was essentially raised to just sit down, shut up, and be a perfect trophy son to the Drake's. The Drake's were in the same tax bracket as Bruce and Tim definitely was a rich kid. He never means to come across as spoiled, but sometimes Jason will give him harsh looks if Tim just throws away food he doesn't like or says things like Chipotle is 'poor people food'

Tim Drake's favorite foods (you know by now*) Donuts*, Shallot and Artichoke Pizza with Canadian Bacon* (odd choice but it could work) Artichokes in general are his favorite vegetable, Strawberries, and Beef Pho.

Damian:

I headcanon that he has the worst teeth of all of the Bat Boys and he actually has to use lingual braces. (Hence why you can't see his braces)

Canonically is a very good artist and while him and Tim don't get along, Tim introduced Damian to digital art and gave him a photoshop pack and a nice tablet for his birthday one year and Damian loved it so much.

Damian is a capricorn and I will die on this hill. A January capricorn too.

Now you want a good chef? You've got Damian. Having converted to veganism Damian has had to get creative whenever he goes out to eat so he tends to like to eat more home cooked foods. Damian loves all matters of mushrooms, eggplant, and bell peppers.

Damian really struggles the most with his wanting to just be a normal kid. Despite the fact he will dismiss you for it, anytime he gets to spend at Gotham Academy with Jon and the rest of the kids he's naturally the happiest.

Damian LOVES to give gifts. He loves the look on people's faces when they are shocked when they actually get something from Damian.

Despite the fact that he's been traumatized from both his times with Ra's and Talia as well as with Bruce. He just wants Bruce and Talia to be together because he loves them both equally.

While he's the least flexible and least gymnastic of the Robins do let your guard down around him. He is the fastest runner and the guy is rivaled only by Jason in terms of lethality.

So someone (Jason Todd & Duke Thomas) introduced Damian to trap music and ever since anytime his phone gets stolen people will be shocked to find he's listening to some combination of Lil' Yachty, X, Kendrick Lamar, Wiz, and Kodak.

If any random person tries to hug Damian he'll immediately push them away, he'll bitch and moan about just about anyone hugging him other than Bruce & Dick.

Damian loves to go to the beach/the ocean. He just thinks it's so vast and he loves the brineness of the air. Also being half white, quarter middle-eastern and quarter Chinese (Yes everyone forgets Talia is half Chinese) Damian gets DARK. And although he's just okay as a swimmer he still likes bogeyboarding and eventually wants to learn how to surf.

I'm genuinely afraid once Puberty is done with this kid and everyone in the family is. He has Bruce Wayne AND Talia Al-Ghouls genes and those are two SEXY human beings. Damian's gonna grow a beard one day and people aren't going to know how to act.

Damian secretly plays Fortnight and not even Jon knows. He doesn't want to get shamed. He'd rather lose a match and ruin his streaks than deal with the shame of anyone in that family finding out he plays Fortnight.

Damian Wayne's favorite foods (canon*) Cereal*, Avocados, Grilled Tempeh, his mom's Tabbouleh, Mushroom Tacos, and Vegan Sushi rolls, and grape juice.

Duke Thomas

Duke is like, freakishly good with a piano, and he picked it up naturally!

Also everyone says Tim brews the best pot of coffee in the Bat Family, cue to everyone's surprise when Tim was sick one day and couldn't make a pot. Only to find the coffee was freaking amazing. Duke didn't take any credit at first until Alfred let it slip that Duke was the one who brewed the pot.

Duke being the only Meta of the family originally thought he was the double-token because he was a Meta and a black boy. Needless to say his fears were seriously unfounded the moment he got to know everyone.

Although he somewhat fears Jason and his temper initially, he and Jason have one of the closest relationships in the family. If Tim isn't around to bat for Jason, Duke will happily take his spot. The two work on each other's bikes and grew to share the same taste in music.

Duke uses his Photokenetic powers as a force for good and for shenanigans. Jason wants to play a prank on Dick and Damian while Dick is reading Damian a story? Duke will hide Jason in the shadows and will cover up his shadow. Alfred dropped something in the dark? You better believe Duke will find it in 3 seconds or less.

Duke makes it a point to visit his parents every weekend to talk to them. Although they are making some progress in their recoveries, it's still slow going. Eventually, he starts bringing members of the family to see his parents. It started with Cass, then Jason, and the rest followed suit.

Duke loves playing video games with Damian and even helps Damian beat some tougher levels when Damian is about to rage and destroy the console.

Duke is into Magic the Gathering and you cannot tell me otherwise. Duke also is the DM for the Bat Kids annual D&D games. I can and will make a D&D Batfam Headcanons if asked.

Loves Pho just as much as Cass and Tim and they all call it a date night every now and then where they can go to a hole in the wall pho place. It's really a secret between the three of them.

DUKE THOMAS IS THE BEST SWIMMER OF THE BAT BOYS AND I WILL DIE ON THIS HILL. HE JUST THRIVES IN THE WATER.

Finding out his birth father is a supervillain was really tough for him. He went into a shell for a little bit afterwards. Cass and Steph were there to help talk him out of his funk.

Duke Thomas's favorite foods (lol what canon DC hasn't acknowleged our boy in a while..) Chicken Pho, Thai Iced Tea, Papaya, Crab Cakes, Italian Hoagies, his mom's Lemon Poundcake, mint chocolate chip ice cream.

I hope y'all enjoyed! Up next (eventually) will be the Bat Girls!

[inlovewithquotes]

Dear You,

The body you are wearing used to be mine. The scar on the inner left thigh is there because I fell out of a tree and impaled my leg at the age of nine. The filling in the far left tooth on the top is result of my avoiding the dentist for four years. But you probably care little about this body's past. After all, I'm writing this letter for you to read in the future. Perhaps you are wondering why anyone would do such a thing. The answer is both simple and complicated. The Simple answer is because I knew it would be necessary.

The complicated answer could take a little more time.

Do you know the name of the body you're in? It's Myfanwy. Myfanwy Alice Thomas. I would say that it's my name, but you've got the body now, so I suppose you'll be using it. People tend to mangle its pronunciation, but I would like it if you at least knew how to say it. I don't embrace the traditional Welsh pronunciation, so for me the w is silent and the f is hard. Thus, Miff-un-ee. Simple. In fact now that I think about it, it rhymes with Tiffany.

Before I give you the story, there are a few things you should be aware of. First, you are deathly allergic to bee stings. If you get dying and do not take action, you will die. I keep those little epinephrine-injector-pen thingies around me, so find one before you need it. There should be one in my purse, one in the glove compartment of the car, and one in pretty much every jacket that you now own. If you get dying, slip the lid off the thing, jam it into your thigh, and inject. You should be fine. I mean, you'll feel like absolute shit, but you won't die.

Apart from that, you have no dietary restrictions, no allergies, and you're in pretty good shape. There is a tradition of colon cancer in the family, so you should get regular checkups, but nothing as appeared yet. Oh, and you have a terrible head for alcohol. But you probably don't need to know that yet. You've got more important things to worry about.

Hopefully, you will have my wallet, along with it all the little plastic cards that are so vital for surviving in today's electronic world. Driver's license, credit cards, National Health Service card, library card, and all of them belonging to Myfanwy Thomas. Except for three. And those three are, at the moment, the most important. Tucked away in there you will find an ATM card, a credit card, and a driver's license in the name Anne Ryan, a name that will not be linked to you. The personal identification number for all of them is 230500. That's my birthday, followed by how old you are. You're a newborn! I would suggest that you withdraw some money from Anne Ryan's account immediately, go to a hotel, and check in as her.

You are probably aware of this next part already, since if you are reading this then you have survived several immediate threats, but you are in danger. Just because you are not me does not make you safe. Along with this body, you have inherited certain problems and responsibilities. Go find a safe place, the open the second letter.

Sincerely, Me

- The Rook

[serenityseventeen]

Love & Letter: To The Thirteen Boys I've Loved Before

The Ninth Letter

----------------

To: Kim Mingyu

From: Y/N

Dear Mingyu, are you doing well?

Well, we don't see each other often anymore so I'm always wondering that. We used to always bump into each other at the grocery store or the mall. Now, I don't even see you anywhere.

I don't blame you for it. Now that we've broken up, I can feel your love. The love that you gave me when we were together still lingers. I haven't forgotten about you yet. Do you know why? It's because I'm convinced. I still love you.

These days, even after breaking up with you, I still think back on our sweet moments. I stayed up late a few days ago, just thinking back on our relationship and how far in love we were.

Before I go to sleep, I always feel the empty space beside my bed for you. You came by to my dormitory whenever you had the chance and would sleep in my bed because you said you missed me. Thank God my dormitory allowed visitors because if it didn't, we would have seen each other even less.

Even if I was just working on school assignments on my laptop, you would crawl beside me and sleep. Sometimes, no, every time, I couldn't stop myself from messing up your soft hair. You didn't want to bother me and just wanted to be by me so you slept, right?

Well, you sleeping was just as big of a distraction.

I promised to tell you on your birthday when and why I fell for you. Today is your birthday. April 6th.

I'll tell you, in this letter.

It wasn't on the first day that I began working at the cafe with you that I fell for you. I started working at the cafe in the middle of summer break for more money and you were my senior. You know how hard it was for me. I needed money for living expenses and my father was hospitalized for cancer.

I'll get back to the subject. I started falling in love with you because...well, you were you. Your personality, just the way you were made me gradually fall for you. You made my heart flutter and race with your gentle and caring actions. You were also funny and kind and clumsily cute.

Before I met you, I was battling a small heartbreak. I lost one of my friends because I liked them romantically. I was going to push myself away from love because you know, loving me is like a curse. I didn't want to fall in love again but then you... I met you.

At first, I was growing a bit suspicious of you? I was starting to think that you liked me when you always hovered over me and lingered behind me. You also held my hand frequently to ‘help’ me.

I didn't think much of it until I saw your eyes and smile. I always thought that I fell in love way too easily but I don't know how I was able to resist you. That's when your indirect back hugs began to make my heart pound.

Summer break was almost over and I became sure of my feelings the more that I hung out with you. We would also coincidentally meet each other at the grocery store, food markets, and malls, and we were able to hang out together that way too. Shopping with you was fun and memorable.

Since summer break was coming to an end, I didn't want to go back to college with a lump in my chest. I just felt like I should tell you about my feelings while not expecting us to date.

So, that's how I asked you out.

I made sure that it was only us in the kitchen of the cafe. I was pretty confident that you liked me back but I still wanted to ask.

We were washing dishes when I said, “Mingyu, I like you. What do you think of me?”

“You? Of course, I like you too.”

I won't lie, the answer got me a bit disappointed at first, but then you kissed me softly on the lips afterward and made me realize otherwise.

I liked the romance we had. There was no one to tell us apart. At work, when we were alone, you would become all lovey-dovey with me, sneaking kisses and grabbing my hand. I liked it. It gave me this feeling of... Youthful romance?

With you, I was able to overcome everything hard. College was kicking me constantly but I was always excited to come to work. I was always excited for the weekend because we could just lay in each other's arms. We would go on classic dates, holding hands, walking. Mingyu, it was because of you that I was able to smile.

You even visited my father with me, bringing delicious foods that you made yourself. Do you know how grateful I am for that? I always thanked you but I am truly thankful. My dad liked you a lot and wanted to see you often. Seeing you two get along made me happy.

I was really happy but of course, the curse had to strike and everything we built had to come tumbling down.

We didn't last long enough to even celebrate your birthday, which is regretful. I actually already had a gift for you, a nice watch because you recently broke yours, but I guess I can't give it to you. Maybe I'll slip the watch in the envelope with this letter.

I know for you, it'd be hard to believe what I'm about to say but please, believe me. I was cowardly and because I didn't want to hurt you more in the future, I made that decision.

Mingyu, I know I still love you.

Maybe there was a chance that we would break through and not drift apart but to me, that's nothing but assumptions and I don't want to get ahead of myself.

College is tough and I'm sure you understand that. After I got fired from the cafe, I knew that I wouldn't be able to see you that much anymore. Plus, you also know that I started taking more part-time jobs to pay for my father's hospital bills and my own living. We both needed money just as much as we needed each other.

Maybe if I made the decision of ignoring that guy, I wouldn't have gotten fired; but I couldn't stand it. I saw you too, clenching your fist as you watched, I just got to the guy before you did. I mean, how could he so publicly harass one of the waitresses? I was so angry and got out of control, so I threw a milk bottle at him. I don't know if I should regret that choice.

I don't want you to think that you were nothing but filler, something to fill in my romance cravings amidst my hectic schedules. I truly loved you and I know that because I feel it. I can feel this strong desire to stay with you, see you smile, spend time with you...

And if you read this letter, you might ask, “Then why did you break up with me if you felt like that?”

Well, I didn't want to become a burden.

The day was already gloomy and the weather said it was going to rain. I asked to meet up and when you rushed over, I could tell that you already knew what was coming.

I don't have enough time for love. My weekends became bombarded with part-time jobs so I was rarely at the dormitory. My schedules became hectic and school just made it harder for us to see each other.

It was beginning to rain when I started talking.

“Mingyu, I think we should stop seeing each other; we don't even see each other often.”

“But it's fine, isn't it? Why would we...”

“You know how it is for me.”

“It'll be fine, Y/N. I'll be here for you no matter what.”

I shook my head.

“Let's just break up.”

I don't know what was going on in your head but I'm sure you were angry. I couldn't read your eyes and I couldn't tell what you were thinking because I was consistently repeating to myself in my head while holding back my tears, ‘I'm sorry’.

“Why? We can overcome this! I'm sure I can help your father get better. We can live together, we can help each other.”

“I'm sorry, Mingyu.”

I remember you took my hand when as I was turning to leave. I almost cried.

“Why?” You asked. “I know we can...”

“Mingyu... don't get ahead of yourself. I don't want to ruin our relationship because of my problems.”

It was painful for me to let you go. I just gave you my umbrella and boarded the bus. You were too late and started chasing it but didn't catch up. I began crying so much that I had to cover my face and mouth. I'm sure people were looking at me. With rain pattering the windows, my tears flowed.

I hope that somewhere, you have left a trace of me.

I have a feeling that somehow, I could have chosen a better solution for this problem. Now that I'm spending a few days back here at my house, I miss you more than usual. I dream every day that maybe, we'll meet again coincidentally and you had been waiting for me, but who am I to think that when I was the one who ended it?

You've stopped posting on your social media.

Yesterday night, I looked back on our pictures in my photo gallery and my heart ached so much. Just seeing your smile was enough to cheer me up but break me down at the same time.

I wanted to reach out to you today and wish you a happy birthday. I kept typing and erasing, typing and erasing, and in the end, I didn't send any sort of text. Your birthday is almost over and I haven't said anything nor have I given you my gift. I'm sorry. If I do send the gift, maybe we'll see each other again, but at the same time, I'm afraid to see you again.

Your puppy-like personality, your sweet words, your soft gestures, your smile that can light up my world, your everything that I loved, I miss it all. Will time do its work?

Maybe one day I will move on and forget you.

I don't think we have another chance.

You probably feel betrayed that I don't think our love was powerful enough to overcome my problems. Was I selfish? I think so. Now that I think about it, I didn't want to drag you into my problems but I didn't give you much chance to speak. I didn't want to hurt you but even then, I only thought about myself. I guess I didn't want the guilt of having you bear my problems with me. I was selfish and didn't consider anything else.

I couldn't think of any other solution.

If we did continue dating, would it have been better or worse for us? Would we have broken up with bigger scars or would we have continued our love with stronger hearts?

Yes, I was stupid. I'm a fool and I'm sorry. I won't be mad if you resent me because I'm just a cowardly fool. This letter makes me realize that now, belatedly.

All this time, I thought I was doing something right by not taking you into hell with me.

In the end, I still don't know if I chose the best choice for us.

Yours truly,

Y/N

-----------------

© serenityseventeen

7/2/21 - 3:17 pm

a/n: I have finally learned the chorus choreography to RTL. It's not as hard as Home or Getting Closer but it's also tiring lol. I need to work more on my posture and angles to make it look good. What should I learn next...?

[xanderwithanx]

Chloe does night-time diary posts on HER tumblr, so I'm going to start doing them here, sometimes. It would be nice if you read it, but, please, don't feel obligated! This is more for me to write.

(I got tired of my normal journal, I guess. It's full of bad poetry anyway. Besides, where's the thrill of losing anonymity in a physical notebook?)

I've basically been asleep and depressed for several days, because I had withdrawal after not being able to get my adhd meds. But, I got it today, and DID THINGS. (This is SO much better than before!)

Today, I went to a small café or restaurant (focused on tea) called Alice's Teacup that was Alice in Wonderland themed! My long-standing obsession with Alice in Wonderland knows no bounds. It was a really cute place. I got pumpkin pancakes, and some really good iced tea. Like... REALLY good iced tea.

Still, it seemed like the entire place was geared towards having a pot of tea and snacks with your friends, which left me a bit lonely. The person I asked couldn't come, and by the time I heard back, I was more than halfway there. Still, I read Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead and watched Monty Python on my phone, so I still had a good time!

I dressed pretty eccentricly and effeminately all day, but, with my facial hair, I was ALWAYS coded as a man, even by people on the street! Pastels, a stupid hat, a crop top, and facial hair was a winning combination.

On my way, I was stopped by some guys soliciting for charity. I don't make a habit of stopping for strangers on the streets of Manhattan. What if it's a scam? What if I'm being pressured to buy something? What if it's a strange political rant? But, I had already taken my earbuds off, I wasn't in a hurry, and I'm terminally polite. The first guy said he liked my energy, which seemed to come from a genuine place, because I liked his too!

They were asking for donations for a breast cancer charity, the United Breast Cancer Foundation. After a discussion, it seems like the charity helps pay medical debt, medical bills, and other practical needs, which is much better than *some* others I could name. I regretted not being able to give their minimum there, as it was pretty high, but told them I'd give what I could when I got on the website.

I... did not. Money is tight, because I'm bad and irresponsible with money, even though this is more than a worthy cause. I didn't NEED to go to that tea place, and I don't NEED to spend so much money on food. Sure, I can justify it: I wanted to go to that place for so long, and it was near the college anyway! But, if I was responsible with money, you KNOW my friends direct fundraising drives would go first, worthy charities second. Still, I feel bad about it.

Then, I went to the college library, to get books to start my thesis research. I have literally been unable to go to the college itself, aside from getting my ID, so this was great! There just wasn't a reason. It was... very empty. I went to the library stacks, which was deathly quiet and deeply haunted by the old books. I half expected something to pop out at me, as I turned the stacks, but I wasn't even paranoid or anxious. It was like I was in something else's house. I was welcome, but on thin ice.

I picked up an irrelevant psychology book on the "schizophrenia problem" from the 1930s, out of morbid fascination, and quickly put it down when it threatened to shatter in my hands.

Some students walked past (which was a suprise in those monastic basement library stacks), and I added something to their conversation, in a totally natural and casual way. But, omg the poor girls, I made them jump! Luckily, I'm the least threatening person on earth, and we laughed it off.

After a lot of hunting, I got 5 out of my 10 books (for the most part)! (The rest are, sadly, online. I like to read physical copies.) Strangely, I only came in with a list to get 3 books out of 6.

Most of the books I got are about art in the AIDS crisis, which is the core of my thesis, I think, all with different value. One about exhibitions, one about the larger narrative of those gay artists, and another contradicting the larger narrative.

I also got a book about "Art and Homosexuality". Just, the parallel construction of both "art" and "homosexuality" across cultures and times, from earliest history to the modern age. It wasn't on my initial list, but I'm really excited to read it.

Finally, I got a book called "The Thief, the Cross and the Wheel", about the pain and spectacle of punishment in Medieval and Renaissance European art. I'm mainly interested in Italian Renaissance art of the crucifixion--and its masochism--for the second quarter of my thesis.

The rest are online, and Should mostly focus on Bacchus in the Italian Renaissance (especially through art) and what I call the art of "gay liberation", concurrent with the AIDS crisis (i.e. The Cockettes). These two topics make up the last half of my thesis.

I'm SO excited to get started!!

I even got to cross the college's sky-bridges! (The college is a few skyscrapers.) Still, the loneliness and novelty were kind of the same thought. Imagine if I had been here before COVID, or, if COVID hadn't happened. Who would I have been able to meet? What would the college buildings mean to me? Because, for now, they're just buildings. But, I got to see the street from above, and that was amazing!

Just walking through New York--the Upper East Side--on a cool, sunny day was beautiful. It takes 20-30 minutes to get from my place to the college (and the tea place), but it was great being able to listen to my music (a lot of They Might Be Giants on the playlist today) and see the city. You know, people, super cool old architecture being pushed out by terrible new architecture, and pigeons.

Oh my god, the pigeons. I took pictures, but none of them are good. I kept thinking about how pigeons and doves are functionally the same. We domesticated pigeons, which is why they're here, and no one is stopping to notice them? Even the ones that were splotched with pure white, like doves? There's only so many pigeons you can take until they're just white noise and a nuisance, I know, so don't think I'm blaming anyone! But it's so hard to look away from these quirky little birds.

Also, at one point my walk, I was vaping very strategicly. The mental task of searching through library stacks will do that to you, when you already have an addiction to nicotine. I made sure no one was around, and no one would be affected. I stopped on a corner next to an old, ornate Catholic church while the traffic light changed, and I almost juuled right next to a priest! I'm glad I stopped. I don't believe in Hell, but, I would have walked down there myself had I vaped at a priest. Still, the church advertised itself as LGBT+ friendly, so maybe they aren't so trigger happy on the damnation. Either way, I DIDN'T vape at a priest today, which is good.

Once I got back, I spent a few hours watching things with my amazing girlfriend Chloe, who you may know here as @cisphobiccommunistopinions. She is so beautiful, and I love her more every day, every time I see her. God, it's almost been 5 years!

I just wish I could spend more time with her. She's in Virginia, and I'm in New York. Like she said to me earlier, I'm flighty at the best of times, and, with my lack of object permanence for the digital world, I find myself not giving her the attention I deserve, or, the full connection I long to have with her. We used to live together. Luckily, someday we will live together again! All these problems won't be forever, and we can live together again.

We watched a lot of things, but we're pretty deep into Serial Experiments Lain right now. It's a postmodern anime from the 90s, and, wow, do I have no idea what's going on in it. It's about the internet, and potentially schizophrenia as well. However, I'm obsessed! One day I'll be able to crack this artistic code, and it's unreality, thematic knots, and double-meanings. I will probably understand it better on the second watch. I don't see myself in Lain, but I see my 14 year old self in her, when I had just developed schizophrenia. Her cyberpunk fate seems like it's railroaded towards tragedy, but I want to save her, even if it's silly and irrational.

I told Chloe that I was scared about spilling apple cider on my library books, and she referred to it as "The Great Apple Juice Disaster of September 11, 2021." To which I said that it was the second worst thing to happen in New York on that date. It was funnier if you were there, and also were in my brain at the time.

Anyway, tomorrow I'm meeting some online acquaintances from the college's "Queer Srudent Union" at a Japanese Culture Fair in a park. (I do not know which park.) It emphasizes "fun"! I don't know them very well, but they're friends with the one person I know irl, so it should be good.

Tomorrow night, I should Probably head downtown to check out a gallery show by MFA (masters of fine arts) students at Hunter! After all, I was in a group project with one of them, and they're absolutely brilliant. I missed the Thursday gallery opening by a landslide, because of the aforementioned lack of adhd meds and Being Asleep, which I infinitely regret. I could have listened to all the artists and curators talk about their art and exhibition! Maybe I could have even talked with the artists and curators. But, it's best for me to go sooner, rather than later, so I don't forget. And, I REALLY want to go.

It's "This dialogue which happened to be present in all other dialogues" at the Alyssa Davis Gallery. From the email I got, "Each of these works observes a threshold of transition. [...] [These] intimations [are] of a frame of mind shared by the artists. These works perform, record, access, engage, document, and entrap, embalming the viewer within the gallery space."

sgp is a really good artist, by the way. Their work is just next-level. Be sure to check out their art, if you have a chance. Let me link their portfolio: https://saragracepowell.com/

(I highly suspect spg and the other member of my group project ghosted me afterwards, but I understand. I was really in over my head. Still, they're both really sweet and kind people, don't get it twisted!)

I ALSO really want to see The Cake Boys. They're performing at the 3 Dollar Bill in Brooklyn on September 26th. (It's only $15!) They're the only all drag king collective in NYC! (Are... there any Other all drag king collectives out there?) Other than the fact that a lot of them are trans or nonbinary, which I love, this show is a totally non-judgmental competition for over 40 drag kings! I've heard their shows are hilarious and unique.

I just have to wait until I have $15 to spare. I... didn't eat dinner tonight, because I'm irresponsible with my money and don't want to ask my parents for money... again. Don't worry, it's literally fine, and I don't make a habit of doing this!

Which reminds me! For my birthday, my parents gave me a gift card to Lush! I'm definitely going to Lush tomorrow, which will be great. I would describe my personality as "Lush store employee acosting you about a bath bomb demonstration", so I'll fit right in.

I also made a transition timeline, to show how much I've changed on testosterone. For the better, I hope! I really believe I'm becoming, if not Have Become, the man I was always meant to be. It's so strange to look back at who I was not too long ago, and to know the absolute pain I was in. It's also strange, in a good way, to see the man looking back at me in the selfies. I'm so much happier now! Much more candid in my pictures, at least. But, I know that I'm so much more comfortable as myself than I was even 6 months ago. It's strange. Sometimes I think to myself, "I don't pass yet; I'm not who I Need To Be yet." Then, I look at my selfie from today, and... I'm THERE. My mind just hasn't caught up with my amazing, natural, normal reality.

The end. I have to get ready for bed, (even though I could be partying on a Saturday night in the city. I'm lame.) If you actually read this, I am kissing you on the mouth right now. I hope it made you calm down tonight, like a terrible bedtime story. If you didn't read it and just skipped to the end, don't worry: you did the rational thing.