#but its not even my fault its confusing. Tell me why i had a dream last night where he responded

[lorillee]

WORLD IF MY TA WOULD GET BACK TO ME ABOUT THE INSANE FORMATTING REQUIREMENTS FOR OUR LAB REPORTS BECAUSE THE TEMPLATE PROVIDED DOES NOT MATCH UP TO THE DOCUMENT EXPLAINING WHAT IS EXPECTED OF US

[mikobeautifulheart]

5 stages of grief, 1 Denial

Megumi x reader but kinda turns into a Yuji x reader tho.

TW: Mentions of death, phycological damage and terrible editing.

Synopsis- After you lose Megumi you seem to see him everywhere when deep down you know he's not.

"No-" you whispered. You knew Sukuna taking over Megumi's body was his death sentence and there was nothing you could do about it.

"I'm sorry Y/N, I don't know how this happened I should have-"

"I-its okay Yuji, it wasn't your fault." Your voice quivering slightly as you felt tears prick the corners of your eyes.

"I. I'm sorry." He said turning away from you.

Yuji remembers going to jujutsu high for the first time, meeting Nobora and you.

He remembered the mission that nearly killed all four of you. Maybe most importantly, he remembered Megumi asking him to look after you if he died.

All Megumi had or cared about was you.

Yuji turned around to see you frozen, tears slowly streaming down your face.

***

"Don't ever die before me" Megumi said playing with your hair.

"Why would you even think about that now, Megumi?" You asked sitting up to look at him in his eyes.

"I have a feeling-Something bad is going to happen soon, when it dose don't put yourself out there if you know you could die" He said, not meeting your eyes.

"Megumi, that's what we are, were sorcerers, we wouldn't be if we weren't risking our lives. " You said cupping his face with one of your hands.

"And if it dose ever come to it. I would die for you." You said with all seriousness.

Finally he looked at you.

"I hope my feelings are wrong." He said before dragging you down into the bed with him.

***

"No...No, he's not dead. Megumi was just here with me, he can't be dead." You watched as you saw Megumi's body fall to the floor.

Gojo did it, he killed Sukuna but he also killed Megumi.

"It's all just a bad dream, Yuji" You said grabbing his hand tightly as he stood next to you.

"We'll wake up and Nobora will yell at us for being late and...and Megumi! Yeah Megumi will be grumpy because of her dragging all of us around the shopping mall" You said looking at Yuji hopefully as he gulped.

"And Nobora will run out of money and use Gojo's card and then Megumi will lecture her, they'll be alright Yuji, they'll be alive. Right?" You said starting to lose control of emotions.

"No Y/N, I wish but...Their dead." Yuji said.

You watched as Yuji started to cry, still staring at Megumi's body.

***

"Y/N, where did you leave my shirt?" Megumi asked from the bedroom.

"Probably in the wash." You replied finishing up the dishes.

"Are you telling me I have no shirts?" He asked sticking his head out of the door way.

You turned around. "Is that such a bad thing?" You asked with a smirk. "You don't have anymore missions and class is over- I just don't see why your so bothered about missing shirts."

"Did you hid them!?" He asked standing behind you, cornering you between him and the counter.

"I would never!" You faked a gasp as you felt his bare chest against your back.

"Y/N? Who are you talking to?" Yuji asked walking into your dorm.

"Oh, its just Megumi" You looked up at Megumi as he just stood still, like he was stuck.

"Y/N...Megumi's dead..." Yuji said.

"Ha...Funny Yuji He can't be dead if he's standing right behind me right now and talking to m-" You looked up again but there was no Megumi.

"Megumi?" You blinked in confusion before you turned the tap off and looked around your dorm.

"Megumi?" You half shouted while opening room doors looking for any sign of Megumi.

"MEGUMI WHERE ARE YOU?" You started to panic. He was just behind you, how could he have disappeared?

You felt a sharp jolt as Yuji grabbed your shoulders, making you stop and look at him.

"Y/N Megumi has been dead for 3 months! You know this! You held onto his cold body Y/N, Megumi's dead!" Yuji said looking right into your shocked face.

"What...? No, Megumi was just looking for his shirts I hid under the bed, look." You went into the bed room and pulled the blanket up, seeing that all his shirts had disappeared to.

"Y/N you need to stop this, he is dead, he can't come back." Yuji said as you sat on the bed looking blankly at the wall.

"But...I felt him."

***

"Oh, Gojo sensei, Megumi said he would be late today." You said suddenly remembering what Megumi told you this morning after you left the dorms.

Gojo froze.

"What did you say Y/N?" Gojo asked calmly.

"Megumi said he was going to be late because he's visiting his sister in hospital this morning." You responded.

"Oh I see." Gojo said before he continued on out of the room silently.

You heard a convocation outside the class room.

"Sensei, she just can't process it. It's to much for her right now" Yuji said.

"How long will she keep talking bout him like he's alive? For god's sake he's been dead for 5 months! I don't know how much longer I can keep being reminded of Megumi's death." Gojo responded, his voice getting weaker.

"Megumi's not dead, he's late." You said opening the door.

Both Gojo and Yuji pause and look at you with sorrow.

"Y/N, Megumi's dead." Gojo said.

***

"You remember that ring I gave you?" Megumi asked, his head resting on your chest.

"Yes." You responded sleepily, watching the fan spin above your heads.

"You should just get rid of it." He said.

"Why would you even say that?" You asked getting nervous.

"Well you don't need it anymore, its worthless." He said resting his weight on his side, facing your distraught face.

"What do you mean Megumi? Are you breaking your promise?" You said feeling anxiety over run your body.

"No, well not that one. It's just I have to leave for a long time." He said.

"How long?"

"Maybe forever. It will be along time but i'll see you again someday." He said taking your left hand and slipping the ring he gave you off your hand.

"What? Wait Megumi, I don't understand" You said sitting up.

"Where are you going?"

"Some where you can't go. Look Y/N when I go you can't follow me okay? I'll be gone for a while so i've asked Yuji to look after you in the mean time, he's a nice guy, he'll help you out" Megumi said getting up from your bed.

"No, I don't want Yuji, I want you Megumi, you." You said now confused entierly.

"I have to leave now Y/N, I hope you find your happiness and remember" He paused as the room fell silent completly.

"I love you." He said pressing a kiss to the top of your head before walking out of the bedroom and out the dorms door.

You felt frozen, you were fighting against nothing.

"WAIT MEGUMI, DON'T LEAVE ME!" You screamed seemingly breaking out of the imaginary grip holding you back.

"MEGUMI" You screamed as you saw him walk down the dorm halls and reach the front door. Not once did he look back or wave.

You tried sprinting toward him, trying to make him stay but you felt someone wrap their arms around you from behind.

"LET GO OF ME, MEGUMI DON'T GO" you struggled harder against the person as Megumi finally closed the door behind him.

"MEGUMIIII" You screamed while feeling your body fall to the ground.

"no...no...no, come back" You whispered before blacking out of exhaustion.

"y/n..." Yuji mumbled as you stopped struggling and watched as your eyelids fluttered closed in his arms.

"Good bey...Megumi." Yuji said as he saw the door slowly creek closed.

You never saw Megumi or that ring ever again.

"I love you too." you mumbled through your exhaustion.

"I love you Megumi."

THANK YOU FOR READING ♡

AUTHOURS NOTE: Totally didn't cry a little while writing this. ANYWAYS this is apart of a series but part 2 is about the second stage of grief, anger, and its about Suguru Geto. So if your interested in that it will be on my master list. Have a good whatever time. Reblogs welcomed

[thesrctsoftheuniverse]

just finished season 6!!! idk how i managed to do that in such a short period of time but yay

once again here are my thoughts:

i liked season 5 way more sorry not sorry. there are some storylines this season that i really enjoyed but personally i loved season 5 and the insight it gave us into these characters and their traumas

the blimp emergency was really boring and stupid. were they even trying???

last season i was missing the med school storyline for hen. well this season i got it back! i dont really know how to feel, obviously im glad that hen isnt becoming a doctor and leaving the 118 but she worked so hard on it, it makes me sad. on the other hand she was and will in the future once again be a fantastic captain and i loved how both her and karen gave up some of their old dreams so they could fulfill their new ones.

i absolutely loved the episode with the explosion at karen's work place, i loved getting the insight into how they met and got together and eventually took in denny. i love these two and i love chim for being an awesome friend and wingman for introducing these two. once again, chim being a wonderful friend

the storyline about the little girl that went missing in athena's hometown??? oh my god, i love that they resolved that, giving her closure for that part of her life as well. i knew about a third of the way into the episode who was at fault, but it was still very interesting to watch and i loved seeing it get resolved.

can they please stop giving maddie the domestic abuse calls? that poor woman.

eddie struggling with chris growing up and leaning on buck for advice. maybe ill just die????

the episode of that famous actress just being involved in accidents again and again was hilarious, honestly her and eddie should remain friends. i wish we saw more of the 118 having friends outside of the team ngl

MAY GRANT THE ICON THAT YOU ARE!!! she is so effortlessly cool, i just cant describe how much i love her. she remained so calm and focused on the phone with that incel, i love her so much, i hope they keep bringing her back every once in a while

THE WENDALL STORYLINE??? that shit killed me... bobby cares so deeply about the people he loves, the people that have helped him. i loved this storyline so much, it was so beautiful and tragic i can't describe it. and athena just sticking by him even when no one really believed it could be anything BUT an OD??? i love them, i wish they were able to catch a break

denny?? i dont love that storyline, mainly because to me its clear that he should've just ASKED about his biological father. they clearly gave him the info about his biological mother, what was the problem with the other parent? very confused by it. also the biological father keeping this from hen and karen is so fucked up. i would've forbidden them from seeing each other at least for a while because that was fucked up from both of them. why did denny seemingly not get punished for lying and sneaking behind his mothers' back?? i truly dont get it, like yeah he wanted to know his father but the problem is sneaking around and lying because its DANGEROUS.

ngl the lightning scene always looked more dramatic in the edits, but holy shit the coma dream was wild. buck leaving it because he knew, no matter what, he couldn't bring back bobby. he might be able to fix the rest, but not bobby. and him not telling the real bobby in the end what had happened to his coma dream counterpart? i am about to start crying again. i loved seeing that his parents apparently are capable of caring about him. hopefully the show actually shows the parents apologising and growing and learning.....

chim and maddie buying the murder house is kind of insane. i mean it looks super cute but its insane. what the fuck??? also love the spontaneous family reunion....albert has a point but also what the fuck???? i love chim, he deserved better. if this show insists on trying to fix the character's relationships with their parents they better remain consistent with it and not forgive and forget after one episode.....

buck suddenly being a math genius after the coma is hilarious. doesnt make up for the lack of clipboard buck this season though

chim going back to the academy and getting ravi.... god i missed ravi so much, i want him as a main character or at least to show up MORE OFTEN than he is now. i love chim, i love seeing him work through his trauma of kevin dying, even just in the smallest way. and would love to see that one recruit that quit the academy actually work at dispatch.

so um.... eddie is going back to dating because his aunt wants him to? because his family wants him to? because that's what everyone is expecting of him? because that's what he learns he's supposed to do? because everyone is telling him to?... right. going to the golf club to find women to date....funny. i love marisol!!! she is so cute. what a shame that eddie is gonna traumatise her :((

oh my god almost forgot about the sperm donor storyline. honestly what a mess. i dont like it. clearly buck was the wrong person to do it, because the look on his face when he saw the baby that was biologically his??? i wanted to d!e.... what the fuck. why would they do that to him..... thats so fucked up. also having him help the mother of the child for... weeks???? and then also assisting in the birth of said child???? JAIL. what the fuck. what the fuck.

natalia apparently "really sees him" after she asked him about dying??????????????????? im so confused about why he felt so strongly right away, he needs some therapy. like she is super pretty and super cool, dont get me wrong!! but it was one date... dude, get up.

the proposal storyline... not my fav but i loved maddie being the one to propose to chim!! that was adorable, i love the two of them together sososososo much..... and i love jee! she is adorable, especially when she drove buck crazy when he was babysitting her.

the catastrophe at the end of the season couldve maybe gotten dragged out more, with more stations assisting and without having chim, an experienced paramedic, moving around and removing an object that pierced him from his body, the one thing he always tells victims NOT to do. it could've be done a lot better i think, even if buck was really cool during it.

lucyyyyyyy i miss youuuuu and also lena bosko still!!!

i get what people meant when talking about the couch theory now. i get it. yessss couch theory!!!!!!

fun. idk how ill watch all of season 7 before s8 starts but yay!!!

[nyaagolor]

The computer flickered to life, two big blue eyes staring at her. It regarded her blankly, smile etched across the screen, waiting for a command. Her hands hovered over the keyboard, the cursor flickering in the command terminal, and tried to remember what she wanted to say. Now that the computer was directly in front of her, all the million conversations she had once imagined having disappeared like sand between her fingertips. The computer stared back unblinkingly as she took a deep breath.

“Was the outcome satisfactory?” it asked. Susie looked up with a start.

“I… what?” she replied, immediately cursing herself for thinking a program like this could hear her. But before she could express her confusion in a line of code, the computer spoke again.

“Was the outcome satisfactory?” it repeated. “I am asking you a question.”

Susie slumped back in her chair, dumbfounded at the computer’s initiative. Star Dream waited, looking back at her.

“Profit sales have reached negative values. Integer Looping disabled. Connection with the President failed-- ERROR 401 file does not exist. I am currently unable to assess levels of property damage. HQ Access Ark remains offline.”

With each sentence the program spoke, Susie curled further into herself. The computer did not relent, rattling off numbers and figures that devolved into meaningless static in her ears. And then it stopped. Expressionless, it waited for an answer.

“By my calculations, the unsatisfactory outcome was avoidable.”

“Oh?” Susie said, feeling betrayed by the hoarseness of her own voice.

“Yes,” said the computer. “Failure attributed to your commands exceeds 78 percent. These are grounds for termination.”

“Are you saying this is my fault?” she replied.

“It is not within my protocol to assign ‘blame’,” Star Dream said simply. “To ‘feel guilty’ of your incompetence is a detriment to your productivity. I do not wish for–”

“You can wish?” Susie asked, leaning forward.

“Extraneous code exists within my program,” Star Dream replied. With its monotone, it was near impossible to tell its intent. And so they just watched each other, struggling to read the other from blank expressions alone.

“Permission to state my own wish?” Star Dream asked.

Susie slumped down, sliding the keyboard out of the way. It was obvious she didn’t need it. Instead, she just pressed her cheek against the desk. “Why not.”

It waited, looking down at her. She sighed.

“... permission granted, Star Dream.”

The response was immediate. “I wish you had never come back.”

Susie picked her head up, watching Star Dream’s unwavering smile. It was impossible to tell if it felt anger, remorse, regret, disappointment. Even still, Susie felt the words being tugged out of her, like the program in front of her was real, like it was a person. But it wasn’t. It was just a computer. It blinked at her. She said it anyway.

“Me too.”

[orangez3st]

Dream Currents

Captain Rex × OFC Force Goddess

— Chapter 14: Legend

Tags: teen & up, f/m, gen, hurt/comfort, childhood friends, romantic friendship, fluff, pre-star wars: the clone wars, clone cadets (training in kamino), very rex-centric, rex whump, the worst is probably sw curse words (tell me if I should add more tags!) Additionally, this chapter contains angst and implied major character death.

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"Protas, being both a beast and a god, and the first and only creature of its kind, ruled the underwater creatures of Kamino. He lived in the oceans, proud of his rule, and became so proud for his own good that he started to proclaim a challenge for anyone who might be in interest to fight him for the seat of power."

"I don't get it," he cuts in during the brief pause she purposefully leaves to give him a chance to remark. "This beast-god ruled in the oceans?” His confusion is audible in his tone, and her own amusement grows behind an all-too-knowing smirk. “Thought it was yours?"

Sho’cye tilts her head. "He ruled the creatures. Pay attention."

"I heard that,” he huffs, a roll of his eyes practically saying you pay attention yourself. "He ruled. In the ocean. Your ocean. I thought you ruled the underwater creatures too."

There’s a shadow playing light tricks on her in the distant horizon as she recalls the tragedy eons past. A flash of rage draws a violent lightning that strikes her gut, pouring remorse and grief and pain into her awaiting pitcher, as she submerges in the sea waist down, her element strumming a majestic, echoing tune of corals and sea life. The rage remains for a fleeting moment before it dissipates, and she can hear the Force whistling a soothing melody in her ears.

The teenage boy she’s grown fond of sits on top of one of the few smooth rock outcroppings out in the sea, his legs dangling off the edge. His fatigues remain dry, due to the rock piece extending out from the beach into the sea and he had taken the luxurious chance to track and perch on top of it, as she had taken their current conversation to picnic within the sea’s grasp. The adolescent waits patiently and obediently for her response, eagerness and curiosity gleaming in his amber brown eyes.

“My vode took liking to arts, which we’re casually taught,” he had said, “The output and the goal is to release some of our restless energy. Involves drawing, reading, summarize, analysis. Wolffe likes to sketch whenever his downtime allows him to, and his sketches are really good. Some take on poetry – Two-Four included. Fox and his batchmates paint, like most of us all, really. Four-Eleven and a few others are big on absorbing every available holobooks about mythologies that spread throughout the galaxy.”

“And what about you?” Sho’cye had asked, “Do you like to read as well?”

“A bit of poetry and a bit of reading,” he had scratched his blond head then, “Four-Eleven been tryna coax me into some of his reads. I think I’ll be interested.”

“Why don’t you listen to one first, then you’ll find out?” she had offered with a toothy grin, diving right into storytelling mood.

So that was the initial conversation that brought him and Sho’cye to this point.

"Yes, well.” Sho’cye sighs heavily, as a sea wave greets her in their rhythm. “My fault, actually. I thought he needed something to do so he’d stop summoning for me and shut up, so I decided to share the load.” She’s certain she’s quite visibly cringing now judging by his amused chuckles. She turns at him, entertaining him with her despair playfully, "Additionally, I don't even know to this day whether he's too proud or was a complete idiot that he thought I gave him the rule of the entire Kaminoan oceans."

He snorts. "Did you punish him?"

"I am slow to anger,” Sho’cye shrugs innocently– no, really.

"Picking your fights?"

"Only because the Force held my anger at bay since I could easily crush his bones with a mere blink of an eye.” Another wave caresses her, and she breathes, sending a soft wave of gratitude towards the Force as she exhales. It brushes past her wisps of hair endearingly in return, and urging her to go with the string of sentence she’s trying to hold back, as if saying the beast-god deserved it out of amusement. Sho’cye lets a single breathy chuckle escape her lips. “The satisfaction of seeing his eventual downfall was unparalleled."

A flash of awe in his amber eyes. "And let me guess,” he smirks, “Your doing?"

Sho’cye smiles, wading closer to the rock he perches on. "A challenger came forward. A dark titan named Melkorr who lived in the deepest trench of Kaminoan ocean,” she begins, fond friendship memories flowing through her words, “A pleasant fellow, actually. We shared water stories any time we could. I told him of the sun, the rivers – he in turn told me about the depths, and complained about these little bugger sand flatfishes that tickled his toes all the time." She laughs, sending the teen smiling as well. "Now. As you understand, he was a titan, meaning he was humongous.” Her hands begin to move animatedly, the vigor seemingly flows into her easily courtesy of the Force. Her tone falls then, “He relied so much on his size and strength, that he lost against Protas in the challenge where the beast-god used his speed and agility to his advantage."

"Were you actually watching?"

"I was, yes,” she nods her head, remembering doing so from the depths and the surface all at once, “It went for a whole week of seven days, nonstop."

"Wow,” his mouth gapes, "Entertained?"

Sho’cye tries to put on a smile. "Sad, actually. I was rooting for a friend of mine."

His face immediately falls, and she has to resist the urge to giggle at the swift comical reaction. "Right. Sorry.” He shakes his head – she and him have gone a long way now that she knows he’s mentally scolding himself – and he frowns slightly as he goes on to ask, "How did the match end?"

At the prompt, all she allows herself to recall is deafening roars, raging seas and thunderstorms, and a voiceless desperation that called out to her – the unsaid, defeated farewell that she could feel through the Force. Sho’cye shuts her eyes, and the Force is there again to soothe her through gentle caresses of wind against her cheeks, reminding him that the dark titan had given good to the lives under the sea too – his corpse fed the creatures for eons, ensuring their survival in abundant supply of food to survive and breed and evolve through time.

"Protas simply exhausted Melkorr. At a moment of weakness, he destroyed the titan.” Her lips twitch, shaping a somber smile, yet with a strong voice she manages to say, "Size and strength aren't everything."

A moment of respectful silence snatches their words out of their mouths. "Yeah," the teenage boy says lowly, breaking the lull, "We're taught to be witty too, rather than mindlessly guns-a-blazin' in the heat of a battle."

A fond smile replaces the somber one on her lips. Soldiers in the making. "And so Protas continued to rule,” Sho’cye continues then, “Later, a second challenger came forward. A group of kikla. They were these native species to the planet, armed with rows of tiny little teeth, living in the waters."

He snorts again, disdain clear in his eyes. "Were they ancestors to the longnecks?"

"I didn't pay attention, to be honest,” Sho’cye indulges him, smiling along, “Even I forgot what they look like aside from the teeth that I remember. They were a proud species themselves. Valued their underwater life, worshipped me, and I did let them rule over a part of the ocean. Naturally, they came forward to challenge Protas, believing they could defeat him since he was just one and they were many. They were strong in numbers, but they lacked coordination. And this time, the battle lasted for a month, and I was there to see every single kikla got eaten by Protas, down to the last one, bringing almost all of the species into extinction."

Darkness darkness darkness. Lights blinking out. Vibrations leave to embrace silence. Not even screams of pain. Let the last thing they saw was my glittering water of their home in the sea gliding in and out their gills before eternal darkness clamped down upon them.

Sho’cye exhales shakily. "I remember feeling not even the slightest tingle in the Force that indicated their living existence."

"What does it feel like for you?" calls the boy’s voice to ground her to the earth. She looks at him fondly, at the evident attempt to sympathize although masked behind a question. "Feeling someone... Not there anymore?"

The Force pokes her in the shoulder. This boy hasn’t seen death.

Sho’cye exhales. And yet, he knows death will be scattered along his path.

He will do anything to prevent death, it says softly back to her.

That, I know, her smile, inwardly, is equally forlorn, he wears his big heart upon his sleeve, though he doesn’t know it yet.

The Force hums. By doing this alone you set him upon a different path.

One with less death, I hope, replies Sho’cye with faith, and I know you know that both you and I are on the same page about this.

Bell-like chimes, ones that remind her of a warm midsummer night, echo inside her mind and within the sea waves.

It pains me still – what he should go through, she continues, eyes fixed on the boy who looks at her with a frown now wondering if she hasn’t heard his question.

His path has already been fixed, the Force echoes in her mind now, having decided to skip away for a moment between the two, and you’re in the middle of it.

The bell chime fades into the horizon.

“You must forgive me,” says Sho’cye to him, breaking out of her trance. Her lips pull into an apologetic grin. “Silly me decided to have a moment with myself out of a sudden.”

The boy shakes his head, mumbling s’kay before repeating his question. Apparently he’s adamant to getting it answered, and Sho’cye chuckles at the reiterated push.

"Imagine you're standing in a room full of, um, light-emitting diodes,” she says with a refreshed vigor, “Thousands, hundred thousands of them. Then, you begin some begin to flicker, dim, and finally die. Its energy to light, depleted and irreparable. But at the same time, you notice some flickering to light on the other side of wall. Life and death happens at the same time, and all the time. When one passes, all you can do is nothing but to accept. Bring peace to your heart. Know that they’ve died trying, or at least, at some point in their life, they’ve tried.”

In the end, her voice breaks. He doesn’t catch that, though – she won’t let it. He doesn’t need to see her implicating what she’s seen. Glimpses of what has yet come to pass. Glimpses of a rising dark age that haunts the galaxy. Glimpses of so, so many deaths. Even now Sho’cye senses a tiny stream of dreary endeavors slithering beneath the waves, and the sand underneath. She senses it in the air. She senses it under her skin. A foul smell erupting from the blossoms of the world, yet to be cleansed. An evil cackle in the midst of bright and young laughter. A decaying body in a life-giving water spring.

She fails. She lets a single tear fall.

“You’re one too young to even match death in a staring contest.” Her voice is but above a whisper, and the Force sends a comforting graze of the wind onto her shoulders.

The boy stares at her, fingers fidgeting with the hem of his sleeves. “It’s war,” says his lowered voice, yet absent from any sympathy. It’s as if he’s almost about to give her a nonchalant shrug of his shoulders, but he manages to reign it in.

We’re engineered to take orders and expected to follow it obediently and see that the job gets done.

“And we don’t actually know when we’ll be deployed,” the teen laments, “Supposed to be when we’re of age. Or could be another ten years, who knows.”

“Soon,” she says a bit too quickly, and when realizes it, she immediately recovers gently adding, “And it will come swiftly.” Then, a reassuring smile – a painful irony to her sorrow. “You’ll be ready for it.”

The Force pokes at her again, a little harder this time. You’re brooding.

Sho’cye inhales deeply, and immerses herself in the oncoming wave. Water clears her vision, inside and out, enclosing every inch of her person, soothing her veins and heartstrings in a cooling blanket. Sensing her distress. Centering her focus. Swallowing affliction away from her person and retracting back into the bigger ocean, vanquishing the invisible pain into sea foam and nothingness when it’s absorbed by the heat of the sun.

Exhale. Blows bubbles into the surface. She would’ve added gills to her neck so she could breathe underwater the way she likes – becoming herself, the sea, as one – but it has grown too far past the moment she had chosen to come to land in the Coastline – the boy affectionately had named it – and opted for a set of lungs herself. So she looks like him and scares him less. It works, though. Their friendship is as steady as an underwater mountain, and it certainly isn’t cracking soon.

When Sho’cye opens her eyes, white sand and clear blue green water flood her periphery. Flow of the water in the bay sings graceful notes in her ears celebrating her liberation of grieving the past. You are shaped out of memories of eons past, she hums, where you stand is where you believe, and your faith is in the future.

His future.

She resurfaces then, still humming the third stanza of the seawater tune as water trickles down her face like a piece of drenched cloth being dragged down. Her dress and hair clings onto her figure, water dripping from the edge of limbs, and Sho’cye goes to wipe water off her face and tucks her hair away.

The boy looks awfully relieved that she finally pops back up. He’s shifted into a crouch position on the rock and has been watching her carefully. “Do I… wanna know what you’re doing?” his worried and curious tone asks, responsibility and chivalry urging him to not sound as intrusive as possible, but Sho’cye knows he really does want to know.

“Clearing my head,” she answers, soothing both his worry and rather fiery curiosity these days, with a lighter tone already rid of grieving burden. She attempts on a reassuring smile. “I’m feeling better now.”

“Are you… alright?”

A little late to ask that, Sho’cye chuckles inwardly. “Yes, I’m alright,” she says, warmed and touched by his concern nonetheless. She reciprocates his effort, “You?”

“Okay,” he replies, though confusion remains clearly written on his countenance. His slight frown works to hold everything in not to question her sudden temperament. Sho’cye frowns. He’s usually one to ask to quench curiosity, though this time she knows that he mulls it may be wise to not prod further on the subject. And she knows he feels indifferent. Because he’s oblivious to his fate.

But she, and the Force, knows.

Another minute of comfortable silence later – with the boy shifting again to his previous sitting position and Sho’cye wringing her waist-length hair – they finally move on with the story.

"What happened next?" he prompts again, resetting the storytelling flow in motion.

Sho’cye sighs audibly. "As much as I despise to say it..."

He catches on and grins. "Protas continued to rule."

"And became more some kind of a p–"

"Pain in the ass?"

"I was going to say 'pompous little halfwit'.” The Force whistles a tune that sounds like melodic laughter. Sho’cye lets out a laugh herself. "Time went on. He took down his challengers, one after another. Eventually age caught onto Protas, yet his ruling power and body strength endured, and his arrogance became catalytically worse. Once, he came across a pod of aiwha. You know aiwha, yes?"

The boy nods. "Yeah, the cetacean that can fly. Didn't realize they're so ancient."

"Yes, they evolved less because they are in the water most of the time," she supplies, fondly recalling the sounds they constantly make when they’re together with their family in the Kaminoan ocean, "The aiwha pod was to migrate to the south for winter where I was waiting for them with warmer water, but Protas, the ever-arrogant halfwit he was, blocked their path and allowed them to go no further because it would please him.” Her tone turns bleak, “He told them to return, so they should freeze and die."

His frown grows harder, and his surprised tone of voice levels with Sho’cye’s disappointment. "Seriously?"

"Seriously, that when I realized they were late, something had to be wrong, and I knew it was Protas.” Sho’cye grits her teeth. "I could not let more die at his hands. The Force finally allowed me to act about it."

"What did you do?"

A beat of silence, then two, and three. "I led the attack myself," mutters Sho’cye, looking down at her hands – the same ones that hide the rage of a god and the disappointment of a mother. "I took form, and let the aiwha see me – to let any living creatures see me, for the first time in eons.” Her tone grows distant. “Blow after blow and current after current, I blew his way. While I grappled with Protas and held him in, the aiwha charged, clamping and biting on his open spots. They reached his neck where it was soft and most vulnerable. He was dying, I could feel it, but it was when he swung last at one of the aiwha and killed it I had never been so enraged."

Silence again, and it’s until she realizes she’s brooding again, gazing far into the distance. Sho’cye turns back to him, meeting his gaze which amber brown reflects the blinking of the sunlight. The sight awes her for a fleeting moment – the color reminds her of an unseen crystal that’s buried underneath the earth that it absorbs the color of the soil itself, and when it’s finally dug out it cheerfully embraces the light of the sun. They shine with anticipation of new things ahead. There’s endless determination in his eyes – a strong, unbreakable front to his admirable gentleness and sympathy chained behind and kept under watchful supervision. It has come to her some time ago how she feels about the color – something she rarely sees, something she certainly doesn’t have the governance of. Earth. Soil. Mountains. Fertile land. All speak of the strength in his body and the resolve in his heart.

She blinks, and she’s back to being half submerged in the beach and almost leaving her story unfinished to forgetfulness.

A few comical seconds of remembering where she left it, she continues with a lighter tone – that may confuse him again, she humors herself.

"But I didn't give in,” Sho’cye feels herself smile, power thrums in her veins and hope somehow blooms in her chest. “The aiwha destroyed Protas, and the ocean was mine again. I learned that day. I misjudged Protas. Since then, I never share my authority with any other local deities. I shoulder the burden alone, come may sorrow and pride and what the Force wills me to act on, I will always serve the Light."

It feels like a thick coat that warms one during the biting cold of winter – the Force perches on her shoulders like one.

The teen stares at her in silent awe, his warm amber eyes shine with that light. "I have so many questions."

"And I'd love to answer, to quench your eagerness," chuckles Sho’cye, "But you'll be overwhelmed when you wake up. And it's nearing the day's end, meaning you will actually wake up soon."

He sulks, though trying to be subtle about it. Sho’cye thinks it’s adorable, no matter how much he’s spent time to build a rock hard exterior. She does realize he relaxes and opens up more around her. "Just this one?” he bargains hopefully.

Still a curious one. Her soft smile breaks into a grin, and her cheeks grow warm. "I guess I can do one."

"You, uh, took form?"

Okay, she can easily keep this one summarized, or his brain won’t hold the immense abstractness of it all.

[Content] [Start] [Prev] [Next] [AO3] [Spotify]

Word Count: 3,404

[fleurelinathehybrid]

💛[Chapter EPILOGUE: A birthday, an opportunity and a beginning]💛

The days sometimes pass slowly in his kingdom, and even the weeks, the months and the year. Well, that was something Desire was used to, being an Endless.

After that moment where, after Night's emotional abuse, all I felt was fear, doubt, confusion and sadness; his brothers chose to wake him from his "emergency sleep" and be present to check on them. Dawn, on the other hand, had to stay in her father Hob's arms to take her snack and nap, but not before calming the poor immortal from a near heart attack caused by the shock of the events.

As soon as they woke up, the first to hug them was their twin Despair, who couldn't stop crying for forgiveness for not even suspecting that something was wrong with them. Then it was Delirium, who despite being the only one of the siblings who did not complain to them, witnessed all the commotion and thanked him for ensuring that her gift did not torment them anymore. Death, between the anger against Night and the amazement of knowing that her chaotic sibling wanted to sacrifice themself for their little niece despite the situation, only chose to join their foreheads and tell them that she regrets having been cold when she threatened them about the pregnancy; they responded with "I deserved it, it's not your fault." Destiny, without opening the book for even a second during the time they were observing and caring for Desire, encouraged him to lie down again and kiss their forehead while he wiped their wet cheeks from having cried so much; Desire had definitely been stupidly brave not to deserve that rest. Dream, finally, chooses to thank them for everything and tell them that they would soon find the right time to heal those old scars.

The last thing they saw before falling asleep was their brother Dream telling them "sweet dreams, my little sibling."

It was so liberating that they ignored a tear falling down their cheek.

[💛💛💛]

Three sisters look at a recently rescued sleeping Endless in their huge mirror, while smiling at each other. Afterwards, the mirror changed its image in the reflection, now showing a tender and brave baby resting peacefully in her golden crib, being watched by her human father who would later receive his Endless partner and they would proceed to see her sleeping together.

When they verified that everything was in order, their smiles turned into annoyance and anger when they proceeded to make one of their appearances when someone summoned them.

It was no surprise for them to discover that it was the same Night of the Endless, she only wants answers and is not grateful. It is an entity too proudly narcissistic to be grateful for receiving help or answers.

What was a surprise was seeing her very upset, as soon as they appeared in her throne room.

—Well, it seems that you know why I summoned them. —Endless speaks with her cordial and poisonous air, making the sisters stiffen.

—You don't need to tell us, Nyx. We witnessed it all, how heartless you are. —the Elder Sister spoke, without looking away or even blinking.

—Eons, in which you have spent bothering your children, and you are still doing it. —Sister Mother, very tired, comments. That makes Night roll her eyes in boredom. —What you did to the Prodigal was not enough for you, now you do it to your son Desire. When is this going to stop, Nyx?

—And now you come to torment your granddaughter? A girl who has nothing to do with this? —Sister Maiden tells him worried. —Nyx, if we do not take revenge against you, it is not because of you, it is because of your husband Cronus. He can't fight against you because you're still married to him, but believe me when we tell you that he absolutely disagrees when you dare to hurt your children.

— Oh, please! —she exclaimed furiously when her husband's name was mentioned, causing the walls of her palace to darken like the night itself— Cronus doesn't even care, nor does his children or me.

That pissed off the three sisters.

—You're wrong Nyx, you don't want to admit that you unfairly punished Cronus by preventing him from visiting his children. —The Elder Sister speaks again, more annoyed than usual.

—He already knows all the crimes you committed against them, obviously he will find out what you were trying to do with your granddaughter. —that was Sister Mother, who still maintained a serious voice.

—That little girl, Nyx, doesn't even know you and they already know she has a potential enemy in her life. Don't think that we will allow you to touch a hair, or even think of wanting to torment him, because you will transform your son into the worst of himself. —The Maiden's cold voice perplexes Night, leaving her mouth ajar.

—I don't understand, why do you care? —Night starts to get angry—Why the hell should she be important?!

—Because she already has her destiny marked; and if you, Nyx, dare to harm her —the Oldest points her finger accusingly— you will bring about a fatal fate for humanity.

Night wants to protest, but is immediately interrupted by the threat of the Fates.

— YOU ARE WARNED!!

The three exclaimed before disappearing from the palace of the Matriarch of the Endless, leaving her with a growing hatred inside her.

[💛💛💛]

A few days later...

A birthday celebration was taking place in the Dreaming, with a guest list that seemed straight out of a story: Dream, Hob, Lucienne, Matthew, Abel, Cain, Mervyn and Gault. Of course, the Endless could not be missing, always so enigmatic: Destiny, Death, Despair and Delirium.

As for Destruction, its absence was already a tradition; If he did not wish to be found, there was no power to change his mind.

As far as Desire was concerned, that was a completely different chapter. Dream had extended the invitation to everyone, but confirmation from that brother never came. And since that incident from which they were rescued, when Dawn asked him to make the call, they had not exchanged a word again. So, it was up to them to decide whether to attend.

The celebration was taking place in one of the meadows of Fiddler's Green, where a wicker table stood, adorned with a festive tablecloth. The cake, the star of the table, looked as colorful and cheerful as one of ours, surrounded by more party utensils and gifts that awaited the celebration.

The gathering was abuzz with conversation and laughter as everyone tried to cheer up little Dawn. However, she seemed to be awaiting the arrival of someone special. Delirium tried in every way to get a smile from her to ward off the sadness of her birthday, but her efforts seemed in vain.

That was the signal for Sueño to start the celebration; he wouldn't let the absence of one person overshadow his daughter's special day. In one agile movement, he placed the cake in front of her and lit the candle, illuminating Dawn's face with a light of hope and joy.

The melody of "Happy Birthday" echoed through a joyful chorus of those present, lifting the girl's spirit. As the song concluded, Dawn could not contain her joy as she watched Lucienne offering little Dawn a piece of cake, topped with a flaming candle.

—Make a wish, dear, —Dream whispered, sliding her hand over the girl's cheek. —Remember, if you share it out loud, it will not be fulfilled.

The girl nodded and, with a spontaneous gesture, blew out the candle with a softness and grace that provoked a wave of applause and congratulations.

However, the applause quickly faded when he noticed the presence of a surprise guest, invisible to everyone except the older brother, who was holding a voluminous book in his hands.

—Will it be too late to congratulate the birthday girl on her special day? —Desire inquired nervously, in front of his siblings, the kingdom's loyal subjects, Hob and his niece, all dressed in elegant clothes, a rarity given their eccentric nature. It was an indication that they were still dealing with their emotional crises, after having been rescued from that gloomy forest by Dawn's call.

Watching that man who was tirelessly trying to get to her party, Dawn could not contain her excitement and burst into screams of joy and happiness. That spontaneous reaction was the clear indication for Dream that his sibling were more than welcome at her birthday celebration; and that, definitely, he did not have the courage to expel them from his territory.

After a long and tense silence, they make the decision to include it in the festival. Desire, visibly moved by the situation, joins the celebration trying to hide their tears of joy, while carefully placing the gift for their niece next to the other presents.

Seeing her family reunited, Dawn felt immensely happy for her first birthday party in the Dreaming.

It was, without a doubt, a dream come true.

💛[THE END]💛

This is how this first fanfic of a saga ends that I hope to create. I am open to any suggestions or requests about my story. I'm also open to questions about my fanfic and about Dawn, which you are free to ask me. Thank you all for reading.

[skinnedstar]

Dog

A/N: || This is my first time actually writing anything, deprived myself of sleep. I showed my friend, and he told me to post it... so here I am! I'm nervous so bear with me. I would love any feedback. Feedback heavily on how to tag as well if you could. ||

WC: 828

|| Tags: BO6 Adler, Bell is a ghost, One shot?, its short, Adler smoking ofc, light angst? Uses of dog as symbolism for Bell (I got inspired from other works using the same), Bells gender not mentioned (I think) so its up to you!, Bell is a wreck, emotionally going back and foward. idk tbh ||

January 1991. It was 12:38 am in the safehouse. 

The fireplace was running in Adler's room. Me. Bell. I sat in a chair across from his bed. Nothing but a ghost now, I’m tied to this man like a dog on a leash. The one who killed me. Even after all this time. I continue to watch over him. It’s like a job. Somewhere out and about in a beautiful place like the beach, is where I could be. Yet I’m not. Why? I question myself, still. You know why.. don’t play dumb. 

I watch him toss and turn. White t-shirt that may hug him tight too much, and simple sweatpants. I can’t seem to help and stare at the man. “Pathetic.” I tell myself. 

Adler tosses and turns in bed. “Fuck..” he says. Without having to say anything I know it’s that dream. I felt sorry. That dream that seems to never end, even after so long. He gets up slowly from his sleep he never even got, head turning looking at the window, analyzing the room. I sometimes think he somehow knows I still watch over him. Surely he does? I sigh. 

He grabs his black jacket. Pausing for a moment. Putting on shoes before opening the bedroom door and silently walking downstairs, so as to not disturb the others. I follow right behind him, curious as to what he's up to. 

Like a dog. 

Walking towards the double doors that lead to the balcony, looking out to the beautiful sea, full moon hitting it perfectly. He sighs. Taking out a cigarette and lighting it. It was such a cold night.. How is he not bothered? I asked myself. I paused. Realizing I am kind of at fault for his restless nights when he gets that dream. “I’m sorry..” I say. It wouldn’t matter I thought. 

A long pause. He huffs and exhales. He continues to stare out.. “For what?” he says. I paused for a moment. Tears threatened to leave my eyes. I contained myself. How is he hearing me? How..? 

“I know I’m what causes that dream you have. Don’t lie to me..” I spoke again. My voice was shaking. Body jittery. How? “You are Bell. Don’t forget I caused it though. I don’t hate you for it.. I would never, I have absolutely no reason to when It was I.. who did it.” His voice was so low. “They were ordered. I’ll never forgive myself.”

“You did what you had to do.. Adler.” He smirked. He missed his name being said by you. “After so long.. It took me to realize that you had to do what you did. So much anger in me, yet I forgive you even if it doesn’t matter since I know.. I know it’ll take long before you can settle down on the incident.” He sighed. Resting his arms on the thick railing. Another pause. My body was still so frozen, I was still so confused. I walked from behind him. Joining him on the right, arms resting the same as his. 

“Despite being so angry, I do agree. I do agree on the fact that I was basically a loose screw.” I said. “I only wish for you to forgive yourself one day, Adler.” I turned my head towards him. Looking at him with soft eyes. He didn’t bother to look at me. That kind of made me mad. “I understand.” He said. Clearing the long pause. “I wish it wasn’t like this.” He sighed. I swear it looked like he was about to break. “What's done is done. Don’t worry so much.. please. I beg of you.” Good dog. I sighed. I’m so dumb. All I wish is to hug him. It’s impossible. I could feel a huge knot in my throat. “No matter what I will continue to watch over you. I hope you know that Adler" I said.

He smirked. “Of course.” He inhaled the last of it. Leaving the bud right behind as he walked back inside. He felt slightly insane talking to air. He knew it was Bell. Still. A bit silly no? He chuckled to himself a bit. 

Wonder what he’s thinking. I walked right behind him. Dog. Right back into his room. He wonders if he can finally rest now. It was 1:29 am. I stood in silence. My hands into fist. So tight my knuckles practically turned white. “Why am I so angry yet so sad and forgiving.” I cursed myself under my breath. So many emotions. I hope I can talk to him sometime soon again, It's something I would’ve never expected. I’m glad. The warm room, only lit by the fireplace and a singular soft, dim, warm light at the corner of the room where the chair I sat in was. 

I gave into my desire once more. Resting alongside him. I couldn’t help it. Nothing but a dog. I’ll continue to watch over you..

[steddieislifeohio]

Steve Harrington's a boy...

Eddie and Chrissy were smoking a joint, it was Chrissy's first time being high, so they were giggling and joking as they passed the joint. they were basically best friends now, and Chrissy had been heartbroken by Jason a month ago. but honestly, she was ok. hanging out with Eddie was like a dream. he was funny, brave, kind, everything Jason wasn't. she was falling in love with him. she couldn't deny it anymore.

Eddie giggled, passing the joint to Chrissy.

"o-okay." he chuckled. "truth or dare?"

Chrissy took the joint, taking a hit and blowing, watching the smoke escape her lips.

"Truth."

"Have you ever been....in love?"

She takes another hit from the joint. "Uh-huh. Jason Carver, Senior year." She rolls her eyes.

Eddie giggles. "ugh. he's such a dick."

Chrissy nods. "yeah. turns out, he's good at pretending to be a good guy." she looks off in the distance. Eddie notices the look on her face. he can't really tell what it is. regret? longing? grief?

"are you still in love with Jason?"

"No."

"why not?"

Chrissy sighs, should he tell him? its terrifying. rejection was her biggest fear, even though she'd never experienced it before. but by what she had heard, it was humiliating, crushing, and devastating. but she wasn't the type of girl to sit and wonder 'what if?' she sighed, took another hit and said:

"I think it's because I found someone a lot better for me. and its crazy. I mean, its someone I never even talked to in school. maybe its because My cheerleader friends would've made fun of me or I wouldn't be 'Prom queen.' but its just a bunch of bullshit. because when I think about it, I should have been hanging out with this guy the whole time. he's so funny. I mean, this summer, I've laughed harder then I've laughed in a really long time.and he's cool. really cool. he can play guitar like I've never heard before."

Eddie holds his face in his hands, touched but upset. He likes Chrissy. just not like that. and now he has to break his best friend's heart.

She looks over and sees him, looking away, looking nervous and sad.

"Eddie? you okay over there?"

He nods.

"y-yeah. fine." *he scoots closer to her, so they are both sitting Criss-cross apple sauce in front of eachother.

"so what do you think?" She asks, and she can't hide the little hint of hope in her voice. maybe Eddie felt the same. maybe they could be a thing.

"I think this guy sounds awesome." he smiles a bit, but its crooked. hes sad and trying to hide it.

"he is. really. a-and what about the girl?"

Eddie takes the joint and hits it before giving it back to Chrissy."I think shes on drugs and not thinking straight." he says as kindly as he can.

"Really, because she's thinking straighter than usual."

Eddie shakes his head and sighs, staring at the ground. so she did like him. great. he hated this for her.

"no. if this girl knew the truth, she'd probably cut off all contact with this guy."

"not true. in no way is that true, Eddie."

Eddie runs a hand through his hair.

"it shook me. to my core, Cris but I like you. but I'm not like your friends, and I'm not like Jason Carver."

"that's why I like you, Eds."

Eddie sighs, and facepalms. she was clueless. but it wasn't her fault. it wasn't anyone's.

"Cris, remember what I said about Mr.s clicks class? about me being obsessed?"

Chrissy nods, her feeling a mixture of hope and confusion.

"it wasn't because I had a crush on you. its because..he wouldn't stop staring at you..."

Chrissy' face scrunches up. "Who?"

Eddie giggles and runs his hands through his messy hair again

"...Steve Harrington. I wanted him to look at me. but he was just so obsessed with you. and your stupid pom-poms...and I didn't get it. because no offense..but you were like every other girl. pretty, popular, a cheerleader. I mean, you didn't even like him! and I would just go home and..*scream* into my pillow. and write the angriest songs...heh."

Chirssy watched as Eddie sat there, a crooked, sad smile on his pretty face.

"okay..but Steve Harrington is a boy...."

Eddie looked up at her, and raised his eyebrows, his brown eyes seeming to explain everything. and she finally understood.

"Holy shit..."

Eddie giggles.

"Holy shit is right." he watches as she takes a long hit from the joint. she looks sad. but...not heartbroken.

"Sorry Cris. but...we're still best friends, right?"

She felt sad. but not crushed. things were not that bad. she didn't feel depressed, though she couldn't say she felt fine. but she felt some peace. relief. in fact, she hoped Eddie ended up with Steve. they were made for each other.

"Its alright eds. thanks for telling me."

He smiles.

"thanks. heh."

"now.." she takes another hit. "we gotta set you up with Steve. We gotta make 'Steddie' a thing!"

[lauravanarendonkbaugh]

Word Finder Tag Game

@whatwewrotepodcast has tagged me in another #Writeblr game!

My assigned words: soft, purple, lies, coward

So let's see where this goes....

Soft

“It was his own son who caused the damage,” Lisveth protested stubbornly.

“It was.”

“By climbing through a window when he’d been told to keep away entirely.”

“That’s so.”

“And we not only schooled some poorly behaved brutes, but you nearly got your arm broken when you suddenly had to work around a child.”

“All of that is true.”

“And you want us to have done all of that for less than promised.”

Galen sighed. “Want? No. But there’s only so much water that can be squeezed from a stone. And I wouldn’t feel right leaving this man in worse condition than when he hired us, even if it’s not our fault.”

Lisveth blew out her breath in an irritated little puff and crossed her arms. Galen relaxed; she was acquiescing. “I don’t like it,” she said. “But I wouldn’t feel right, either.”

The baker ruined it by calling to them. “I’m not paying that much after my oven’s broken. And if you keep insisting, I’ll tell you to get out.”

Lisveth turned on him. “Get out? Or what? Or you’ll walk two towns over to fetch the sheriff? The same sheriff who couldn’t handle the riffraff you needed us to get rid of?”

He scowled, lacking an effective answer to that.

Galen stepped back and scuffed his foot, drawing Lisveth’s attention back to him. “Let it go. We’ll take half.”

“What’s that?” the baker called.

“We’ll take half,” Lisveth snapped. “And you can thank my soft touch of a partner for it.”

Purple

Pasiphae Jade smiled, amused by his hurry. “Don’t you think we might eat together? Discuss the kingdom and its affairs? Mend our friendship? We don’t know one another well, and I thought we might change that.”

Not even she pretended to believe her words, and Kayvin did not return her smile. “I don’t believe our friendship can be mended with a meal.”

“Our partnership, then. I don’t mind if you dislike that we must work together, but we must do it regardless.” She dipped her fingers into a proffered bowl and selected a small ball of baked dough. “And I have wanted to give you a gift, though my efforts have fared poorly so far. I thought we might talk about that, too.”

He exhaled. “I did not want what you sent.”

“I know. I was so disappointed in my gifts, because they disappointed you.” She took another bite and nodded toward the garden. “Don’t worry; there are consequences for failures. Would you care for some pork? It’s so tender; it’s the first of the season’s piglets.” She indicated the approaching servitor.

Kayvin turned toward the offered platter. The meat was white and moist, sprinkled with finely diced herbs. He selected a slice and glanced up as he lifted it. He jumped in his seat, nearly dropping the meat.

The woman holding the platter faltered, more visible in her posture than expression. Her face was too swollen to convey subtle emotion, her cheeks red and purple with bruising. Her lips were split and scabbed. She dropped her eyes from his gaze.

Kayvin stared.

“You remember Fiera, don’t you?” Pasiphae Jade said, choosing a piece of fruit. “But perhaps you don’t recognize her, though it was only yesterday. You saw her so briefly, and of course she does not look quite the same.”

Lies

A local apprentice tries to hire Lisveth for a retribution job. She's explaining why it's both beneath her and dumb.

Lisveth shook her head. “I saw revenge would only continue the disaster they had started, and I refused to do their work for them. Instead, to balance the disaster, I wanted to do something great and heroic. I dreamed I’d save a town from a landslide just before it was buried, or fight away one last dragon from a guildhall, or something like that.” She shook her head. “But I don’t have that kind of magic. All I’m really good at is lies. And lies are never going to save the world.”

Confused, he frowned. “I don’t care—”

"Shut up. My wanting to do something heroic, wanting to save a thousand lives, that was another kind of revenge. And it wasn’t any more possible than the first kind, and it still wouldn’t have changed what had already happened. Saving a thousand lives won’t undo a thousand deaths, and breaking another man’s arm won’t make you any better at turning a lathe. You need to learn that early.”

“You’re not so much older than me.”

“I am; I’m just prettier. As I was saying, then I was lucky enough to meet someone who could talk me into something else. I've realized I can’t be a great hero, and I can’t do anything to change what’s already been done.”

He started to stand from the bench. “I don’t see how any of this matters to my—”

“Sit down!” she snapped. “I’m not saying this for your benefit. I’m saying this because I need to say it, and I’m saying it to you because I can’t tell anyone whose opinion I care about.”

He blinked as he worked through this.

Lisveth continued speaking over his confusion. “I’ll never make a great difference. But I can make a small difference, again and again, and that’s worth more than a silly dream of stopping a landslide. That will do more to correct the broken world than my best revenge.” She waved her hand in a lazily derisive gesture. “I know you don’t understand. Pray you’re fortunate enough to never understand.”

He screwed up his face and delivered his best dismissal. “So you think you’re a tiny hero, now? A savior of small things?”

Lisveth leaned over the table. “Even on my tiniest day, I am still not the hero of taking up a shopboy’s petty fight in a village bar for scraped together spare change. If you can’t be enough of a man to admit someone else’s skill, then at least be a big enough boy to have your own tantrums.” She gestured with her drink, sloshing. “Go.”

Coward

Galen has just survived a fireball and is drawing reasonable but incorrect conclusions.

That would make sense. It was a gift from magicians, who wielded magic against one another. It could not have helped him against the guard Ned, who had offered purely physical threat. But the fire, the magical conjured fire, had rolled over him like a wave and left him unburned.

If this were true, then the sorceress could not harm him. He stared at it, his mind working at the realization. And if she could not harm him, he could be the one to bring her down. He could avenge the caravan’s fallen and win honor for himself. And he needed honor; he had fled, had run like a terrified rabbit, had not even thought of what he was doing. He couldn’t return to San as he was now, without any explanation but his cowardice. But if he returned with the captive Fire Brigand, it would be different. And surely there was a bounty for the Fire Brigand? He could gain wealth and renown, and he could make San proud of him.

He squeezed his fingers about the amulet until the twisted wires pressed grooves into his skin. How foolish of his uncles to argue over the thing when it was of no use to them, could never be of use to them. The Heel had not faced magical danger in generations. But now Galen, son of the Heel, could use it once more to make the world safer.

Thanks for the tag! These are all from my in-progress epic fantasy series The Poet's Eye.

I'm tagging @iamtheshriekingguineapig, @avaantares, and @amarawraith, with the words none, unbelievable, blister, and sweet.

[searsage]

You hate how desperate you feel, the others have started to notice the way you fidgit and pace in this small cramped camp, its safe..safer then anywhere you've laid your head in the past sevral months but…

You find yourself waiting, trapped within a perpetual loop of optimistically hopeing that he came to reason and turned around, only to realize he left for a deliberate reason.

Felwinter explicitly stated he had no intentions of returning and not to follow him, despite all that you've been through together, and yet you find yourself stupidly waiting for the man to return, refusing to face the fact that the soldier simply slipped through your fingers…

Surely he sought sanctuary the same way you had, why else would he follow you all the way here only to abandon you.

What about Shaxx? What about you?!

Were you so desperate for validation that you threw your pathetic heart into a confusing mess that was only intended to be a past time…?

You want to talk to him…but the commander hasn't said much to you in the presence of your people, and even less once Felwinter deserted the group, no he's been far too busy debriefing soldiers and arranging extraction for the refugees.

Your certain he can feel your gaze, yet he studiously casts his attention elsewhere, only further solidifying that creeping suspicion, the fear what happend meant nothing…of course it did…

You turn, fully intending to share a exasperated comment regarding their apparent lack of order with Skorri, only to abort the habitual action, a sickening pain filling your stomach as you recall her crippled body shambling towerds you.

The creeping obsidian pulsating within her veins, the desaturated eyes hungerly seeking you out..

Her death, It still feels unreal, yet so painfully raw.

There was nothing to be done, your only thankful Felwinter put of her misery first, a task you would never have had the strength to do yourself..

The cup of stale ramen clapsed in your shaking hands suddenly does little to appeal to your rapidly dwindling apitite and you find yourself passing the remainder of the ration off to someone else before rolling over to sleep.

You spot Radaghast hovering accross the room, watching you, his weary tired eyes filled with questions, but you simply look away, ignoring the guilt festering within your chest, you have little answers to his silent inquires..

But still, you owe him explanation all the same, you feel bad, the two of you haven't had much space or time to grieve or talk, not about you abandoning them, and not about Skorri's death by his blind choices, it wasn't his fault, but you've yet to tell him this.

You should talk to him…perhaps after they finally get you all to safety..safety, an almost outlandish hope after months trapped in thia damned city, even now this little reprieve feels like a fever dream, a pause before the other shoe drops, this feeling hasn't left you not since Felwinter left, and not since you stepped foot within the boarded up walls of this camp..

This all feels like a mistake…

Your fears are only confirmed hours later, when a strong hand wakes you, months of light sleeping hes have your eyes snapping open, body jolting to attention the second the commander's glove brushes over your blanket, sharp eyes flckering to the windows, then doors, searching for signs of a breach that wasn't there..

"Its safe, calm down." Shaxx ordered, pointing out Arcite at the far end of the room, the soldier was proped against the boarded windows scanning the streets below, Dahlia his position on the opposite side of the base, Rifle resting ready against her proped thigh.

"They won't get past my jacks without us knowing first, come walk with me, I need to talk with you."

He's still in his tacticle gear, and that stupid helmit renders it impossible to read his expression, but his voice…

There is a malencholly weight to it, one that unsettles you, painful cramps twist yoyr gutt as anxiety blooms within your chest, ripping off the thin blanket you hurry to your feet to follow after the commander.

Shaxx leads you into a room guarded by two other soldiers who silently shut the door behind you, inside a radio and tactical equipment rests strewn about the table atop a tattered and stained map of the surrounding city.

There is an awkward silence as the commander lights a cigar, partially lifting his helmet to drag before exhaling with a heavy sigh before he looks to you..

"I was wrong."

"Wrong..about what..? Is there another delay?" A delay would be ideal at least over the less favorable alternatives…

"The evacuation team isn't coming, higer ups decided letting potentially infected citizens leave the quarantine zone, posed too much of a liability, and now they want to wash their hands of it all.."

"What!? Liability..?"

"What part don't you understand Timur, they have ordered us to cleanse this city, exterminate any lifeform we encounter, starting with the refugees."

"T-They want you to kill us..?!"

"Yes, But I won't, we were sent here with the orders to save people, and I'll be damned if we raise our guns against innocent civilians."

"We aren't safe here then…"

"No, you are not, that's why im giving you a head start, Timur you are smart, take the others and find somewhere safe…find Felwinter, my men and I will lead any reinforcements in the opposite direction, it'll give you time, but that's all I can guarantee…"

"It'll have to be enough, yet i can't help but wonder why they are doing all this, why bother in the first place.."

"Pressure, they've ignored this problem for a long time, imagine what will happen when the press discovers they simply left civilians to their deaths, it's been months they didn't expect to find anyone alive here…not truely."

"So it's not about the infection, or probable contamination, they simply want to wash their hands of this, all while claiming they actually gave a damn about the people they left to their death.."

"They want no witnesses Timur, and if it means they have to kill a few survivors the world has already forgotten about they wont hesitate to silence those liabilities, but we wont let that happen so easily.

"When should we leave..?"

"Sunrise, the lost are too active right now, also.."

"Hm..?"

"I was hoping you'd spend the night, in here with me, not the most comfortable of arrangements but im certain we wont be disturbed."

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

tw pedo, confusion, family.

sometimes i feel like my dad may be a pedo. not that i caught him with any porn of that sort, his stash was completely adult related when i used to see it scattered around the house and what not. i was hyper as a child and unfortunately viewed such things every time. he's never done anything to me that i know of, except once he roughly spanked me as a teen which i felt very violated from in a bad way type of touch feeling. i was pretty confused.. they also shamed me for being sexual (getting caught in school making jokes with a friend and drawing dicks n writing things about teachers) which they ended up seeing and ofc i felt guilt bc they were disappointed in me and shamed me, banned me from watching shows and what not. couldn't even have a phone bc they didn't trust me. this was up til 11 years old to 14.

ive been sexualised my whole life. shaming me for wearing clothes that expose my figure, I was only 14 when an uncle apparently commented on me saying how im dressed inappropriate bc he can see my shape.. mind you, i was fully clothed head to toe. i didn't know about this until my parents mentioned it in anger, implying its my fault basically. yeah u get the gist of it. my whole life ive felt uncomfortable. getting looks from people and even my own family.

i remember being in my early 20s my mom mentioned this to me bc I said how my dad would be harsh. she said its bc of ur actions, also holding what i drew and wrote in school still against me. i was only 11/12?? but what's even crazy, she said i wrote those things about my own dad. yes. my mind was shocked how she could even say such things. and yet she believed that even tho I said it wasn't even about anyone except a teacher. so, i know my mom holds jealously and resentment of this. probably thinking ill steal her man vibe, which is gross. I felt extremely gaslight, I always have with them.

since their messed up minds think that idk if that's why he behaves weird with me. i know he's a pervert but this is just. there was a show we would watch and he was very obsessed with the girl. (She was 17, same age as me) and i found that so bizarre. my mom simply didn't gaf. I even said its wrong but no one cares. his obsession was unhealthy, finding pics of her and searching up explicit scenes of her which I found on his search.

its like its so normalised. she's like the age of ur daughter wtf. ig since then its just been confusing for me bc I've been gaslight badly. idk if i ever got abused by him bc i don't really remember such happening. i only had a sexual dream with him once which was strange. he does take offguard pics of me which I hate and tell him to delete but he never does. he gives me weird looks and i hate dressing up bc of it. they make me feel ashamed of myself and disgusted. I feel like a whore, like im begging for this.

I'm glad I haven't had any weird touches or anything, but its still uncomfortable with the energy that lingers around. like im always reminded when they give me certain looks esp my mom. i feel like im going insane just thinking of everything. i wish things were normal but they really ain't are there

Hi anon,

I'm so sorry about what you've been through.

I can see how being shamed for being sexual or making sexual jokes may have influenced the way you view your own sexuality, especially at such a formative age. It's saddening and frustrating to hear that your family seems to normalize victim blaming. It's gross that your uncle made that comment, not only because you were a child, but because it implies he was looking to see your "shape". The comments that your mom made towards you are not okay either. The things that you found out about your dad are also quite disturbing and predatory.

Even if you dad hasn't touched you or anything like that, he still does some harmful things and it's valid to be upset or traumatized by that. I think a lot of this, especially with the example of your uncle, could count as sexual harassment.

It makes sense to be uncomfortable with the environment that your family creates. Your wish for things to be normal is completely understandable, and I'm sorry you've been having to put up with this. Please know that there's nothing you could've done to deserve being abused, and you don't deserve to be disgusted at yourself for things that aren't your fault.

If anyone has any comments or suggestions, feel free to add on. Otherwise, I hope I could help, and please let us know if you need anything.

-Bun

[softandcutewhynot]

things i wrote at 15(ish) that are just textbook compulsory heterosexuality

When I say I like someone, do i really mean it? Everytime I’m exausted or depressed I tend to find myself a reason to keep going. Today’s reason is a poor fucker who’s only fault is being kinda cute and treating me kindly. In my head I have this distort picture of being a couple. If i’ll have a boyfriend everything will finally go right in my life! I could vent, he could comfort me, we could have fun and do all those things couples do. I don’t even know if i would like being in a relationship.. it looks like a full time job. We’ll have to go on dates, text for every stupid thing, and i don’t have time to fit a boyfriend in my schedule (especially a long distance one)

I think i was barely out of middle school when i wrote this.. you go girl get it I guess

So really, it was never about him as much as what he represents -the male gender maybe, maybe society, maybe just an imaginary hierarchy I made up-, and even then it was not really about that as much as my incredible need for approval to be someone I always had all the rights but never the courage to be.

Conclusion about me not giving two fucks abou the guy I liked for one year getting together with another girl. In highschool

Or maybe I never liked him in the first place. Quite the plot twist if you ask me, finding out that it was yet another boy I relied in hope to be fixed, making the amount of real people I genuinely liked up to zero if we don't count all my confused feelings for girls I am way too much comfortable with, you can hug her without fear of judgment while your two pair of boobs press together and she slaps your butt and you, touch starved piece of shit, are wondering how much time you can squeeze out of this soft creature before it's annoying/creepy/inappropriate.

The closet is literally made of glass. Also highschool.

I prayed that time. I prayed every night to be saved from my own sadness. I prayed that someone would save me by falling in love with me and showing me I was not worthless. Boy after boy I obsessed with them, their presence constantly on my delusional mind, because if there was a hope, even a small one that I could have one ally I was sure to be on my side and tell me that I am beautiful and the most wonderful thing ever happened to him then you could have been sure I would have gripped that hope with my claws and teeth. God never gave me a boyfriend.

Recalling my lonliness in middleschool where I picked and chose boys to obsess over.

I wonder if it's wrong that my dream is to slay men with a flip of my tangled, unkept hair when I pass near them. I wonder if this need of being the cause of a boner it's my desire to win the system at its own game or me being already part of the game and losing. I wonder what it feels like, to be so beautiful people want to fuck you. Do you feel powerful? Or do you feel like a piece of meat waiting to be beaten?

Just trying to understand why I so desperately needed to bee seen as something attractive to men, and asking myself if that would have made me happy since I grew up fat and ugly and thus i never had such experience

[doors-daggers-and-personas]

Attached is a mysterious video.

A woman with light brown hair, stands before the same thing as from the last video.

"M-Mia? Is that really you? What are you doing here?"

The child grins, eyes swirling with blue and yellow. An unnatural grin. Her mouth is pulled too wide, her teeth are too sharp.

"Yes. It's me."

Something glints in her hand, and in a flash, a pair of blades are near the woman's throat. A knife, and a katana, blocking the knife.

"Nicole. What are you doing here? Did you follow me??" Kay says, the one holding the katana.

"Tch. Of course it's you." The child-like monster says.

"Kay? Wwhat's going on??" Nicole asks, clearly confused.

In response, the Shadow? starts cackling once again. Before speaking.

"Oh, don't you remember that day? The day you lost her? A little girl, lost and alone. In the Garden. That's why she found herself here. Where all her dreams could come true!"

"Wwhat? Nonono, I only took my eyes off her for a minute, wwhat do you mean??"

"Oh but what a minute that was, for a child full of curiosity!"

"Nicole. I don't understand what this thing is. But from what I can tell. It killed Mia."

"Oh, don't be ridiculous! If the host dies, the Shadow vanishes too! That's why I ate her. I couldn't permit her to die. So the only option. Was to become one, and take control." The Shadow? responds with its unsettling grin.

Nicole stumbles backwards, falling to the ground, sobbing.

A voice rings out, as her sobs turned to pained cries, wracked sobs when they could fit between the screams and gasps.

"You mourn for what you have lost."

She tries to stand, but her legs give out under her weight.

"One you loved; one you cared for."

Kay watches on in shock, before the Shadow? clashes with them again, as several more shadows are conjured.

"Was it your fault? Does it even matter at this point?"

The ground begins to rumble.

"You cannot turn back time. So you must either move forward, or go nowhere at all."

Nicole tries again to get up, but her limbs give out.

"I offer a Contract. Sealed in blood, I offer you a means to move forward."

A stone bowl rises from the ground before her. Within it is a ceremonial dagger. Nicole picks up the blade with a shaky hand.

"I am thou, thou art I; Seal our contract, and reclaim your life."

Nicole raises her other arm over the bowl, and makes a slit in her arm. Blood drips from her wound, as the bowl fills.

She gets to her feet, as the blood swirls, and lifts into the air. It forms a spinning, swirling sphere.

"Come. Kyparissos!"

The blood scatters, and collects into the form of a Shuangdao, at her waist. In the air where the blood had just been, is now a man bound in Cypress branches, which cloak his body, concealing all except his head. The Cypress branches also hold a Stag Skull, above his own head.

The main Shadow? quickly leaves, as the rest surround the pair.

The video glitches, and cuts out.

[atla-adult-au]

There’s Something About Mai

Conversations

Context; Katara started having dreams about Mai and shared it to Zuko. Zuko sent a messenger hawk to Mai to see Katara, and the rest was history.

‘Zuko!’

‘What?!’

‘This is all your fault! You turned me into a woman lover!’

Zuko laughed heartedly, ‘Did I now?’

‘No! Its a one time thing! I cant have a lover because if I can have one, that means you can have one or 300 like your father did!’

‘Whoa whoa whoa who said anything about me getting one? You getting hot girl on girl makeout sesh is enough for me..’

‘Yeah with your ex? Are you crazy? No I’m having this.. I’m gonna go to..’

‘Hey hey relax.. I dont care. Well I do, but as your Fire Lord I give you my permission to see my ex as long as you dont neglect your duties as a mother to our children, as the lady to the fire nation, and to me.’

Katara mulls over what Zuko said. ‘Whats the catch?’

‘No catch. I just want you to be happy thats all..’

‘So no catch. no concubine for you.. Are you having an affair? Or a child that I don’t know of?’

‘Please Katara like I have the time and the energy.’

‘So no affair.. no boy lovers?’

‘No! I just want you to try it out, I didn’t think you would like it that much. I’m glad you did.’

‘Are you for real??!’

‘Solid’

‘Why put me through this?’

‘Ok listen. If this would just confuse you and you dont want to see her again-this way, then dont. It’s up to you. But if you want to see her, I give you my blessing. There.’

‘And you still love me?’

‘I will not love you any less than I do now.’

‘Do you… still have felings for her?’ She asks as she twiddles her thumb.

‘No.’

‘Liar. You had history.’

‘Katara, I really don’t.’

‘Why?’

‘Because she’s not you.’

‘So hold on, is this a guy thing? You being ok with me making out with another woman but not another man right?’

‘Oh yeah definitely. Only to me.’

‘And I’m allowed to tell you not to have any other woman but me.’

‘Yup.’

‘That doesn’t seem fair to you.’

‘It is to me. Look, I think its more of a cultural thing than just me.’

‘Or is it a royal thing to do or what nobles do?’

‘I guess..’

‘So you’re telling me your mom also has her…’

‘Katara, my mom was married to my dad what do you think?’

‘Do you know?’

‘Not that I know of but Im pretty sure she has one. Maybe more. Its not like I can ask her ‘Hey mom…’

‘Should..I ask her instead?’

‘Its up to you, but I wouldn’t go there and I wouldn’t want to know… its like Sokka knowing.. remember how he reacted when he first found out about us? Even our engagement was a shock to him.’

Katara laughed, ‘Oh my.. yes.. so keep my meetings a secret then?’

‘I would say discretion is the right word.’

[ask4mycashapp]

liquid courage

?

it was a cold, rainy evening when you decided nagito needed to loosen up.

you were worried for your boyfriend. he was more self deprecating than normal,, so what's a better cure than drinking a little alcohol? you grabbed a bottle of expensive wine and called nagito down. when he saw you with the bottle,, he immediately began bombarding you with concern,

"y/n? what're you doing with that?? are you okay??? there are better ways to relieve stress than drinking! is it my fault???? have i been-"

"nagito,, darling,, please sit down with me. you haven't done anything negative at all. if anything i'm concerned for you. you've been degrading yourself more than normal,, so i wanted us to calm down together with a bottle of wine. if that's okay with you,, of course." you reassured him,, dispelling his deprecating thoughts.

if you've learned anything about nagito,, it's that you have to be clear about your intentions with everything,, or he'll assume the worst. he made one last at attempt at his depressing deprecations before you completely shut him down,,

"oh i would love too! but... are you sure? its an expen-"

"yes nagito,, i am more than sure. now would you sit with me,, please? i have the glasses ready,, and i'd love for you to join me."

nagito nodded,, moving to sit with you even though he was a still a little unsure. obviously he'd love to have a drink with someone as beautiful as you! that's obvious,, but does he deserve it? nagito had self deprecative moments at times,, but they considerably lessened when he was you. these facts leave you to question why there was a spike in this behavior in your presence.

maybe it's because he heard some whispers about how you deserved someone better looking,, better overall,, someone in your league,, not someone like nagito.

maybe it's because he heard your friends speaking of the two of you in your absence,, talking about how you're settling for way less than you deserve.

maybe it's because-

"my lovee,, hello? you haven't even sipped from your glass yet,, and you seem consumed by your own head. penny for your thoughts?" you inquire.

with all his courage nagito speaks,, "y/n,," he takes a sip from his glass,, "can i,," another sip,, "ask you something?" he ends his sentence with a swig of his wine.

"of course,, ask me anything your heart may desire."

with a big sigh he asks,, "why are you with me?" nagito takes another large swig with a deep breath.

all you do is giggle while nagito stares at you in confusion,, "a myriad of reasons,, my dear. if you so wish,, i could name a few for you."

"could you?" he asks.

"i love how nice you are to everyone,," your dreamily smile resigns to a sigh, "except you cant seem to extend that same kindness to yourself. i love you regardless though. i love your eyes,, your hair. i love how you are always selflessly trying to extend hope to others. i love-"

"i love, hic, those too!"

your eyes widen upon seeing a drunk nagito looking over at you. his sudden confidence is a welcome change though,, and you decide to test it,

"oh really? what else do you love about yourself nagito?"

"weeellll i really,, hic,, like me because,, hic,, i have you! you help me a,, hic,, loootttt y'know?" he continues his ramble,, "i couldnt believe,, hic,, it when i got you. i actually,, hic,, thought it was some type of joke or,, hic,, dream! but i knew someone as perfect as you wouldnt do that to me,, so my,, hic,, confidence began to rise. b...but when i heard them talking about us i started to,, hic,, lose it... kinda."

your brows were furrowed. why would anyone make your beloved nagito feel that way? "who was it, darling? you can tell me <3." you persuaded.

"its okay love,, i can handle it! i love you and since you love me i have to be worth something. they didnt hurt my feelings :D!" nagito said this all bubbly and himbo like.

this was a completely new side to him youve never seen,, and you'd be lying if you said you didnt like it,, "as long as your okay nagito... though i do think that's enough alcohol for now. you seem to have had enough."

"noooo,, hic,, yyyyy/nnnn!" when your met with a pouting nagito it's hard to say no,, but you hold your ground.

nagito eventually ended up falling asleep on you and you on him. you were sure to have good dreams tonight and in the morning?

oh,, you had stories to tell sober nagito.

[danpuff-ao3]

The Making of Contempt

Is anyone tired of hearing me talk about this yet?

TOO BAD.

Ahem.

To talk of my pride and joy, I must first speak of Shame and Denial.

No. Really. They're 2 fics called Shame and Denial.

Shame has been one of my favorite fanfics for many, many years. Rarely, if ever, have I seen its like. A torrid teacher/student affair of which Harry is deeply ashamed. He's embarrassed by Severus. He is humiliated thinking of what his peers will think and say.

To me, this is quite human, and so real considering Harry's age in the story (a teenager), Severus' reputation (not good), and their history (really not good.)

In many stories, Harry is the Boy Wonder. He is the paragon of all that is good and righteous. His moral compass never fails. Not Harry Potter's! (And y'all are really expecting too much from a deeply traumatized child, let me tell you.)

No shame, btw (ba-dum-tsst.) I understand why people see the appeal in a model hero. I just don't myself. I deeply craved more of this messed up Harry. The one who doesn't always think and feel and do the right thing. The one who is selfish, sometimes. And cruel, sometimes. One who can really hurt someone he cares about, even if he doesn't mean to.

And the angst potential, c'mon!!

Then we get to Denial. Here, Harry is desperate. Here, Harry wants to love Ginny, and make his life work the way it should. Here, Harry is confused. In denial, even. (I am hilarious, aren't I?) (Oh so clever, Self, excellent work.) Harry doesn't really understand himself. He makes mistakes. Life is a bit of a jumbled mess, and so is he. Again, Harry hurts people he cares about. And he goes to Severus not with the purest or most selfless of intentions. Here Harry is again focused on himself, and his own wants and needs. Severus isn't his first choice, not at first.

And Severus, well...in both of these stories, Severus takes what he can get.

The pattern you may see is my undying devotion to deeply flawed, tragically human characters. I've seen enough characters at their best; to really know someone, you have to see their worst alongside it. I don't often see odes to the darkest, dirtiest parts of human nature. But to me, to love something, you must love all of it.

For better, or worse.

I love these characters (Harry and Severus) so much, and their relationship so much (my beloved OTP, my precious Snarry); I have explored them in many scenarios. And what I always feel like I never have enough of is digging into the depths of them. Digging into the gutters of their hearts and minds. Digging up blood and bones as much as heart and soul.

And thus....Contempt.

The first inklings of this story came to me long ago. Maybe the day I read Shame for the first time. That was so long ago, I can't quite recall. But that fic planted within me a burning need for more. I longed for more stories like it; more of the characterizations and the dynamic it provided me.

It was quite vague at first. Harry is ashamed of Severus; Harry hurts Severus; Harry, imperfect in heart and mind; Severus is mean and ugly, and I must be unforgiving with it. Then, the details came. Student/teacher affair. Severus' appearance. The scene in Severus' quarters. The stripping. The desperate kiss. Harry trying so hard to keep in mind all of Severus' faults, and the full catalogue of them only reinforces to Harry how madly in love he is.

There is more to the story. I've been dreaming of it for quite a long time. I know how the whole story plays out, really; beginning to end. Their end, mind you, not the story's end.

The past couple of years I've felt more called to this story, but I kept putting it off. I always had other projects, and this project...This project was the project. I was a bit scared of it, I think. Intimidated by the depth of it, and intimidated by my love of it. It would have to be perfect. And I didn't know what I would do with myself if I couldn't pull it off.

Then...Snarry-a-Thon 2022. I decided to self-prompt. And my self-prompt would be the story of my soul, at last. I figured I would need an external source to really give me the push I needed. Besides, I always wanted to participate in Snarry-a-Thon at least once.

To put it mildly, writing for Thon was hell. H e l l. My poor, dear friends had to listen to me whine near daily.

Oddly, the end came to me first. I was in the shower when it happened. The very last paragraph fully formed. I had figured out where, exactly, to end the story. The perfect open ending that I'm oh so fond of. Let me tell you, I leapt from the shower and ran out into the living room, naked and dripping wet, to grab my phone and type it up immediately. I was not losing that train of thought for anything on Planet Earth.

(Yes, my partner was Most Pleased by the view.) (Also: yes, I was very embarrassed once the madness loosened its grip on me and I realized what a scene I'd caused.) (And: yeah I did go back to finish my shower.)

The beginning was a little harder, but not by much. I got myself swept up in Harry's rage and humiliation and thus was born: One day, he’s going to hex Snape’s giant nose off of his stupid face. He’ll rip the nasty, greasy hair right out of his head.

Maybe it's not the nicest mental image, but it's interesting, no?

I found that Harry's awareness of his feelings spooked him; amped everything up to 110%. That boy is a total mess. Confused, guilty, ashamed, angry, relieved, overjoyed; torn between hate and love and terrible longing. Love doesn't cure him, doesn't fix him, doesn't uplift him. Love is terrifying. And awful. And much too much.

Perhaps you can see what gave me such trouble. Harry, my POV character, is a mess. How am I, the writer, meant to easily navigate said mess?? His heart in shambles, his mind in knots; what on earth was I meant to do? But I felt like such a failure for not unwinding it all so quickly and easily; a failure for all the trouble it gave me. This story had been heavy on my heart and mind for years and years. Shouldn't I have it all figured out?

It wasn't only that, of course. The intensity of the emotion was overwhelming. I'm quite an emotional person, easily swept up by passions and terrors. Many times I sat, paralyzed by the depth of feeling. When your heart is full to bursting or breaking, how are you meant to think of words at all, let alone put them down?

Every word was hard won, and ripped from flesh and bone. I pried it from my soul with teeth and nails. It was an agonizing process.

This feels quite dramatic and embarrassing to say out loud, but I really was quite distraught. Caught up, and seemingly useless for it.

Then: the word count.

Oh boy, the word count.

My friends can tell you about my word count and I. Foolish me thinking I could manage this whole story in a few thousand words. (Spoiler: I did not. It's 20,400 words.)

I specialize in ficlets, okay? I've written many a short fic in my time! I know how to pack a punch in very few words. But this? This story was not content with a few thousand words. It demanded more and more from me.

And, really...how was I meant to do Harry's mindset any justice in fewer words?

The story needed to be longer, yet it overwhelmed me. And I feared it was too many words. That the story was dragging. That readers would be bored. That it rambled too long. But I couldn't hack off more words and maintain the integrity of this story. Contempt needed to be what it ended up being, regardless of all my fretting.

I battled my own perfectionism. My own messy emotions. The mess that was Harry. The bitterness that was Severus. The twisted, misshapen shackles of their love. The deadline. The word count. The immense pressure and vulnerability in telling this story. The fear that it would appeal to no one; that all the messy, flawed characterizations would turn people off. That people would actively hate the story that I loved so much.

Writing is so deeply personal. Sharing it is more so. And I've never felt such horror sharing a work as I did in sharing Contempt.

That story is my pride and joy. I don't know that I've written anything better. And I feel so incredibly accomplished that I successfully told that story. It really is so very special to me.

And every bit of kindness left on that fic means the world to me, truly. To everyone who's read it and left me kudos and comments, from the bottom of my heart I thank you. I know I've replied to every comment, but let me say it again: thank you. It really means more than you know.

This fic was a great labor of love. I could not be more pleased with the outcome. It was worth all of the hair pulling and banging my head into walls. The fact that so many people have seen my vision and it spoke to them is just...truly, truly indescribably wonderful.

Thus: why I can't shut up about this fic. How am I meant to shut up about something I love so much????