#but its a special kind of neg its more of a vent really. vent in tags yahoo.

[chlopieno]

Guys should i cry over my relationship breaking into fucking pieces or do i say good riddance and meow on

[callilouv]

overanalyzing everything i do would solve 99.99% of my problems methinks

[clonememesfrikyeah]

A list of things Rex has said at some point that he never thought he would be saying:

• Sure, go ahead, stick the thermometer into an electrical socket.

• Don’t feed the droids after midnight please.

• For every cricket you catch and bring to me I’ll give you a quarter. The cafeteria is having a special tonight and they need them for garnish.

• How do none of you know your multiplication tables?

• Divine intuition is not a credible source.

• I am not your blorbo, so stop calling me that.

• Please don’t compare yourself to Yoda again.

• Why are you eating a pack of ribs during training?

• Stop calling Tup your little meow meow

• We’re watching an informative video on separatist movements Hardcase, not an animated show about ponies, so stop asking when Twilight Sparkle is going to show up.

• General Skywalker isn’t a credible source either.

• That’s not a cricket, that’s a rolly polly!

• I don’t care if you’re the “better Jesus”, we are still not going to let you put a shrine in the bathroom vents.

• It doesn’t matter if your wearing “super warm gloves” Denal, touching absolute negative zero will freeze your arm.

• Being a Sagittarius has nothing to do with your ability to properly handle an assault rifle.

• As I said in the announcements today, experimental cheese making in the barracks is banned, especially the chocolate, soda and meat kinds. Any trooper suspected of illegal cheese making will be investigated and if found guilty the punishment will be entertaining Hardcase nonstop for 6 consecutive days.

• I have an idea, let’s stop talking about the biochemical habits of flesh.

• I didn’t care for that warty green lady in the movie with the cyclone and overweight chihuahua. But that being said, Echo you still look like the tin man.

• Do not keep the live crabs just out and about, put them back in the mess hall fridges please.

• For the last time I don’t give a shit about the industrial revolution and it’s consequences, just put deodorant on damn it!

• The gonk droids didn’t eat your paperwork I can see it sticking out of your mouth right there.

• please keep in mind that breaking the laws of thermodynamics is a highly regulated practice.

• Using flares to roast marshmallows with is never a good idea it’s a fire hazard.

• Why does it smell like Fabuloso and crayons in here?

•Ass-paragus.

• Fives, your abomination is ready!

• Wow, watching that guy transform back into a car was just what I needed, stunning, life changing, thanks Hardcase that really made my day.

• THATS WHAT SHE SAID!!!!

• Dice are not the best form on nutrition.

• Put them dogs on a leash and lock them in the kennel or something, just put socks on that aren’t missing the whole toe part Dogma.

• (about Tups zit covered forehead) Mars called they want the surface of their planet back.

•Hoooogs.

• I agree with general skywalkers plan.

• Its rice time.

• Oh shit the goose is back again lock the door!

• I wouldn’t be more surprised if i woke up tomorrow morning with my head sewn to the carpet than I am to see you right now Wolffe.

•Trapezoids are definitely not a part of the limbic system.

• This is why your not allowed to listen to Stripper Magician anymore.

• Your father thought you were so ugly he ran off with the milk man then stopped existing.

• I would send myself off to the ward but im pretty sure im already there with all of you here.

• Don’t put yourself into a quagmire trying to do all those mental gymnastics in your head Hardcase.

• You want to hear a joke? Good. A piece of string is tied into a knot. Oh you thought this was going to be funny? Im a frayed knot.

• Get it? Afraid not, a frayed knot. Get it? Get it?

[alertarchitect]

Full disclosure, this is a long one. It's also a vent post. I'm mainly writing this out to help get the thoughts and feelings regarding this kind of organized and out of my head, makes dealing with them just a little easier. Maybe it'll help you put to words your own thoughts & feelings on this kinda shit, too, and if it does, I'm glad my screaming into the void at least helped out someone other than myself! After all, if anything I say, write, or do ends up helping at least one other person, then maybe I'm doing something right :]

Sometimes having long-time special interests in an ongoing franchise FUCKING SUCKS. Perfect example - I am both a big Halo nerd, and really enjoy the overaching lore of Bungie's connected worlds (with how Marathon, Pathways into Darkness, Myth, Destiny, and even the ways Halo originally connected before it had to become its own thing thanks to Microsoft). Here are the ways that currently sucks:

The state of Halo Infinite, the most recent Halo game, both currently and at launch. At launch, you had a buggy mess, with multiplayer that barely functioned, lacking feature parity (even just on the multiplayer side of things, not counting the campaign) with Halo Reach, a game from 2010. Currently, 343i has admittedly fixed a lot of the launch issues - there's more customization than the game has ever had before (still not as good as Reach's customization imo, but at this point I've given up hope on any multiplayer AAA game having that level of customization for free ever again), the desync issues (in my experience) are no longer happening, and it has the most powerful Forge mode in any Halo game to date. The flip side of that, though? Egregiously horrendous monetization, an armor core and coating system that both hurt the customization more than help, and a drip-feed of content with little to no communication from 343 on anything past the most recent update. Not to mention the issues that come from a focus on "Live Service" bullshit.

The issues at 343 Industries itself, which come part and parcel with the massive issues related to Microsoft as a company. Massive megacorporation, horrible management, staff getting screwed over, crunch culture, and more - it just goes on and on.

Halo 5, despite its generally negative reception, is horrendously inaccessible to those of us that want to experience it as a piece of history and/or try out the multiplayer. A perfect example of how little companies care about game preservation, despite the decent track record 343i has had in that respect thanks to the Master Chief Collection, its PC release and addition of Halo Reach, and the efforts to find, occasionally recreate from almost nothing, and implement lost & cut content in the MCC titles.

Being a fan of Bungie's overarching stuff... really bad when you are at PEAK investment into their stuff, namely my Destiny 2 hyperfixation, and they not only announce that their new Marathon game is going to be a fucking EXTRACTION SHOOTER, and thus unlikely to have one of the most interesting things about Marathon in it (that being its lore) while also being very hard to get into thanks to people treating that kind of game as a massive sweat-fest, but also suddenly lay off a bunch of employees (when previously they had a good track record of treating employees decently...) due to Square Enix levels of profit overestimations of Lightfall, the BEST SELLING DESTINY EXPANSION EVER only getting 45% of the expected sales. Because why be realistic, right? Just fuck over employees, that certainly won't hurt us in the end!

The fact that, despite ALL OF THIS and my moral convictions against the shitty nature of this stuff, my dumbass brain still wants me to just spend spend spend on it anyway because of how much of a special interest Halo & the Bungie lore are to me - it almost hurts. I generally prefer fantasy stuff, but I can't stop myself from loving the lore and stories associated with this stuff. I have to fight myself every goddamn time I have money to not fall into the traps. It's easier with Destiny - I uninstalled it, replaced my PvE needs with Warframe and Risk of Rain 2, replaced my PvP needs with Halo Infinite, and just keep up with the story from a distance. But now that Halo Infinite is back in my life? I love the gameplay, hell I'd go as far as to say it has some of the strongest gameplay in the series (though some modes could use a bit more work, for example the Infection mode just isn't as fun as the Infection from Halo Reach), but the monetization just... AAAARGH it hurts me that I want to spend on it, both for customization and to have little goals to work towards in the (thankfully well-implemented due to them being available eternally) battle passes.

I just want to be able to love something that's been so central to me for so long - I played a cracked version of the CE PC demo for countless hours growing up, to the point that to this day I know the mission Silent Cartographer back to front from memory & could do it in my sleep, and associate Blood Gulch with countless memories of Halo's multiplayer from how often I'd play it with my sister, and to add onto all of that Halo Reach is one of my favorite games ever made, period - without caveats and moral hangups. I just want to love something without justifying it every time I think of it, both to myself and others.

I know this is a massively first-world issue, having the luxury to whine about my Favorite Things going through years and years of getting fucked by their own successes driving them into corporatism, but it still sucks. Obviously not as much as other issues both myself and others deal with, and DEFINITELY not as much as the horrible shit people are enduring in several parts of the world, but just enough for me to want/need to vent about how much corporations like to shit on the little rays of sunshine that we use to feel better about life.

[polyamorouspunk]

vent / crush stuff / jealousy idfk i was crying and now im pissed

i just got indirectly rejected by my crush *again* and im fucking miserable. and when i say indirectly i mean i did Not fucking initiate this im not like. repeatedly flirting w him or coming on to him despte him saying no. i never really have in the first place. my stupid fucking friends made another joke about us and he made it so clear that the chances of Us are in the fucking negative. Great. not like i didnt already *know* but fucking. great.

sometimes im so fucking resentful of my girlfriend. she realized she liked him after i did and started dating him a few months later which is a *feat* considering hes on the aromantic spectrum. shes just That fucking special i guess. shes white, blonde, oh so fragile, passes near perfectly, feminine, and is conventionally attractive in almost every way. everything i resent myself for not being. everyone and their mother is fucking enamored with her because shes cute and acts all blushy and shit. when *she* has a crush, its not seen as a threat, and everyone wants to help her. i thought *i* could try out the fluttery and lovesick routine for once a few months ago but i had to stop bc talking abt my crush was only causing problems, including the fact that she got jealous abt us being good friends, despite yk *her being the one dating him* :))))))

god i wish i could be content with the friendship we have. i think friendship can be just important as romance or more but thats really hard to actually GET in the real fuckin world because society is so obsessed wih amatonormativity. the one example i had of irl super valuable platonic love was my gf and... someone shes now started dating 🙃. (someone whos made her strong boundaries against romance SUPER clear in the past! but i guess! my gf! is that fucking special!!)

there is no fucking hope for me. i dont even care abt kissing and shit. i just want physical affection and to be valued highly by someone. i want to be able to say i love you. why the hell is that not allowed.

ughh. super long ask. thanks for reading it.

I’m so sorry that sounds awful. Have you tried talking to either of them about it without admitting it’s because you have feelings for him? I mean I would hope that any decent friend/partner would respect if you don’t like any kind of joke they make, in a romantic sense or not.

There’s a reason I’ve never dated anyone else polyam before and that’s been my jealousy issues, so I get the idea of resenting your partner for having something you want but can’t have, and I’m really sorry.

And if you like someone romantically it can be hard to be happy with something platonic, and there’s no shame in that! Because, yeah, as much as we preach that friendships are just as important as romantic relationships, but you’re right how much is that actually the case, as much as we say it should be? There’s a push for it for a reason: it’s not the norm.

I hope things change and get better for you in one way or another.

[chanstopher]

I don't want this to come off as rude at all,I'm just curious as to why you get so much interaction. your posts always get notes and you seem to answer a lot of asks everyday. I am also a cc in the fandom (I'm on anon because I don't want anyone to judge me for this) and my content flops pretty constantly. I'm just wondering if there is a secret to success I'm not learning or if my content is just garbage. Any advice would be nice!

Hi, I definitely dont think you're being rude, I totally understand being frustrated by numbers on here. i wish i had secrets to share but i really dont. i have a lot of followers so my content is pushed further. using tags properly and becoming friends with other ccs is really good for getting your content seen. ive been lucky enough to have ppl like me for some reason so ppl support my blog when i post things most of the time. i do also have some flops, thats just how tumblr works and some ppl wont agree that your content is good and ignore it.

its harsh to say that and i know that ive had terrible content get a lot of notes because of my blog size. but you just have to keep working at it. try changing up how your content looks (more or less grain, sharpening settings, try unique coloring or try to really work on color correction instead of just making things more vibrant or darker) if u write find other writers, no one supports content like content creators.

as for the asks, i have literally no idea. i am confused as to why people would talk to me constantly abhdjs I just try to be kind and keep my negative opinions to myself unless theyre about ppl stepping over bounds or being mean or rude to skz. i try to just be unapologetically myself tho, posting about chris like a rabid dog or just weeping over how much i love him. it is apparently very relatable lmao

i am not good at making friends, all of the people who i am friends with on here have come to me seeking friendship, but going on anon and talking to ppl or just showing up in tags with fun comments or thoughts or just compliments on the content will make you friends. a lot of ppl have reached out to me just because i was kind to their work.

the only real advice is to not give up. i think blog growth is always slow until you just hit a certain point where for one reason or another you become more known and then it will grow more rapidly, but it can take a while. and it can take you finding what youre really good at, you might have no idea how well you are and gif blends or graphics or even just being someone who updates on activities happening with skz (this site is absolutely lacking a proper skz update blog fsjniss) if you ever want to vent about it i'll listen, and if you ever want to send me your content and ask for critique i can do that too (but it will just be my opinion and im not anything special fhbdjs)

above all else you have to enjoy making things or it is never going to be worth it. no number of notes is going to make u better at any kind of art. only time and effort and enjoyment will.

I'm sorry this is so long and i wish any of it was truly helpful, but tbh i think i just got lucky with tumblr and how much interaction i get :/

[ethanharmonia]

Vent (?)

God i never realised how weird my art style was, ngl whenever i look at my own art i think to myself that its some sort of a copy of another drawing even though i do this all myself except for the use of a reference or tracing something cuz in all honesty, i am not a person to be drawing original art or smth, theres always a reference used or something im inspired by, whether its a design or a small detail or anything in particular. Honestly i myself dont really like my art style based on the anatomy and face expressions, it all feels sort of blank but only because im not used to drawing expressions or different kinds of poses, it was always rather just simple faces that didnt really show anything or a figure just standing. I have a very shaky hand which makes it difficult for me to draw something simple, i need to learn from references or bases (or even sometimes trace from them), otherwise it will just look like a typical standing figure with nothing special in it. The reason im saying all this is because its been hard for me to draw these days/months/years, even simple things are hard to draw with or without a reference without my hand shaking like hell, i dont really know the reason behind it but im still somewhat trying to draw, even if i give up completly and say that im done with art (even though im not but thats just how i feel at first), i still try my best to make something out of it, i know that not many people will notice but its just something i needed to let out. I dont wanna put this in a negative way that oh no im a tracer i should get cancelled or oh no im bad at art i should give up. no. im just simply saying that the way i do art is like a struggle, the reason theres a lack of posts here is because of it, lack of creativity, lack of energy, lack of pretty much everything, including my mental health as i've been tired and drained completly for these 3 weeks. I do wanna thank for the support and reblogs of my posts, i really do appreciate them even though i mostly dislike my art because of the looks, but thank you all. I promise that when i get enough energy back then i will do more art, maybe open up requests as i wanna hear your ideas out or just simply chat with you guys. But for now i will remain on hiatus, i might post something but its mostly just gonna be me talking. i dont care about the likes on this post, but i would appreciate it if you would read it. Again, Thank you.

[flightfoot]

Suddenly I remembered that Thomas said the special is canon and in NY special Ladybug hit him with the whole I can't trust you speech and now with s4 where she really slowly "forgetting" about Cat Noir and only focus on defeating the akuma just like she said in optigami : I don't care who or how as long as the akuma is defeated. Its as if NY is the prelude for the ladynoir fallout although the symptoms is already there since kwamibuster.

Eh, there are a lot of episodes that could be called the "prelude" to the Ladynoir conflict. The NY Special... I guess it can be called a prelude in the sense that it showed an example of how Ladybug reacts if something's kept from her (that then blows up) in contrast to when she keeps things from Chat? I don't think it's really set up for the Ladynoir conflict though.

Thing is, the conflict springs from pre-established character traits, and THOSE you can see over the course of the show. For instance, Marinette tends to subscribe to an "it's fine so long as you don't get caught" kind of mindset a lot of the time, trying to fix anything that goes wrong in secret before she's discovered: The Mime springs to mind, with how she futiley tried to recreate Alya's video after accidentally deleting it, replacing it before Alya found out what happened, or Copycat with her breaking into Adrien's locker to try and delete the voice message before Adrien hears it.

She also is very pragmatic about any problem she encounters more generally, to the point of acquiring tunnel vision and only working on "solving" that issue, whatever the impression or feelings anyone else would have on the matter. Something that was pointed out in Rogercop, as during Marinette's efforts to dispel the completely unfair suspicion Chloe placed on her, she unintentionally cast that unfair suspicion on everyone else as well. Animaestro and Ikari Gozen were particularly egregious examples, as she didn't seem to catch onto the fact that Kagami was a person with feelings, rather than simply an obstacle and a threat to her getting together with Adrien, until it was thrown in her face. Or Weredad, with her overreacting while pretending to be devastated by Chat's rejection, while not considering how that would make everyone else involved feel - only really thinking about her goal of concealing her secret identity.

There's also a bit of an issue with Marinette not really seeming to realize that Chat has deeper emotions and depth than she normally gives him credit for, which was most obvious during Glaciator: she hadn't realized that he had that softer, more sincere side to him, that he wasn't just messing around. Or again, with Weredad and not considering what effect going overboard with her reaction to his rejection might have. The Chat Blanc synopsis that her partner's "the last person she'd ever imagine get akumatized" embodies it pretty well.

On Adrien's side, he's long-hated being kept out of the loop or feeling like he might be replaced, but often downplays the full extent of his feelings on the matter. He downplays most of his negative emotions in general really, until he can find somewhere to vent alone. Santa Claws showed him feeling so bitter and alone after his father appeared to be skipping spending Christmas with him so soon after his mother died, and feeling jealous and hurt enough that everyone else got to spend Christmas having fun with their loved ones, that he nearly destroyed a Christmas tree - but reined himself in at the last second. Once he met up with Santa (and especially when he got to meet up with Ladybug as Chat Noir), he was in a better place emotionally.

Syren also helps set up the current conflict, as it's when Chat most blatantly expressed how much he hates being kept in the dark, being sidelined while Ladybug does things that she can't explain. It's also another example of him downplaying his feelings around others, ESPECIALLY Ladybug, since he only sounded mildly frustrated and sad about the situation when talking with her, but felt so unneeded and unwanted that he was ready to give up the ring. The only person he IS willing to let know exactly how he feels is Plagg, who's with him 24/7. Even when the full extent of his emotions are expressed via akuma (his greatest fear via the Nightmare Ladybug in Sandboy) he deflected Ladybug's questioning about what he thought of her, much like how he deflected Ladybug's questioning of whether he was okay in Rocketear.

[jnixz]

(Aquato-Family-Circus here) your tags abt Gristol's mental space potentially having a different layer inside the mailbox is so fun... imagining a place that feels a little under developed and has construction signs but it's there. to Gristol's disbelief and stubborn refusal to accept it he has Opinions and Thoughts and Feelings abt HQ and the employees that extend past "obstacles in my grand maligula scheme". They're not even all good opinions (there's a lot of petty negative shit actually, lol) but they're still there

Hehe yeah, I think it's very much implied that people's mindscapes are flexible and got different spaces. It's a fun exploration on the parts of the person. (I should really write down thoughts on each pn2 level but ah busy)

Aforementioned Tag-rambling post because reading it in my current theme sucks:

I have a feeling the Mailbox is actually a bit more constructed despite what Gristol thinks. Most of what is solid is related to letters and packages he delivers though. 

The employees look like cardboard cutouts like the Grulovian peasants. The real people he considers obstacles (like the grandhead maybe) would be like the Ford statues, probably blocking a path. Till he gets someone to move it anyway. I like imagining the particularly negative stuff are like scribbling on like a marker on a poster haha extremely childish and shallow.

The level layout would be similar to Motherlobe HQ, but instead it all looks like the mailroom. Do you ever think about how the vents are so big and the package system can fit a box with a person in it? Now plaster that everywhere you go in this Mailbox section.

Anyway I ended up really thinking a bit about the ideas on what the inside of the Mailbox space could look like. I could probably sketch it out but a bit preoccupied this week.

I DID however, end up writing a kind of a fic because I kept thinking of all the other Gristol/Nick posts, specially the Identity Crisis one, as an answer to this ask buut yeah it evolved hehe (0v0) whoops. 

Kinda wrote this like a dream-like narrative and stuff, mostly to sorta kinda just start on the ideas of that Mailbox corner of the mentalscape. [Ao3 Link]

C/o Nick Johnsmith

It was like the opposite of the the Fatherland Follies. Quite unlike the backstage of it where its broken up and twisted by the important bits. Instead of the black void surrounding a one way path, The Mail Room would start as an enclosed labyrinth-like space like the size of the vents a certain child went through, stumbling out to a certain senior agent’s lab. 

There's a lot of corridors going in different directions. A bunch of cans and letters litter the halls. The walls look unfinished, like someone might put another corridor but aren't quite sure yet. There's doors marked under construction with no door handle. There's colored mail slots on some of the dead ends. 

It's easy to get lost.

You aren't sure where you are going, your stomach growls. You feel like you’ve been walking walking and just walking around in circles. 

The Mail Runs On Trust

You pick up a letter along the way to see if putting it in one of the mailslots would get you somewhere-- then suddenly you end up in a hallway with a mirror in the end. Who is this guy in another outfit on the other side?

Oh wait! he has a nametag, it's -- "Welcome, Nick Johnsmith - Mailroom Staff" The scanner loudly announces.

...

The vents and the conveyor belts are above you, and its all twisted up layered in every directions. There is dust everywhere. Nobody has been sorting the mail (they tried but they aren’t good enough, somehow even the broken was better than them).

It was easy enough to get the job. Nick-- yes that is me alright-- new staff here

The packages need to be sorted up the chutes -- up there. (Why?? Would you need to throw these?) You climb up with the help of ladders leading up to a hole and -- oop it’s a portal.

You recognize the familiar walls of the vents, but now there’s markings in the walls that are the same to the packages you hold.

You walk and walk, finally with direction.

You deliver the mail into the right slots, and it opens back to the mailroom, where the conveyor belt straightens and you can send off packages safely.

You do it several times, and now the doors under construction open up for you.  There are other employees around here, some floating and chatting. You hear gossip about another person’s life, or about the paper they have been using.

You call to one of them, giving them your most charming smile, flowery compliment, and of course their mail, the correct package. 

They ask you to stay but you refuse. You go back to the mailroom.

...

Sometimes, you pass by this door that kind of looks like the levitation elevator psychics go through in HQ, except this one had thought of non-psychics and is upright sideways. 

When you go through it, the vent corridors open up to form a road, you can finally see the sky but you aren't sure what color it is. There's stars in the sky. The road leads to a boat and an all too open ocean. You go back inside, not quite trusting where you would end up if you went out there.

...

You continue work, till every vent and conveyor belt is sorted out. You are actually getting hungry, and you didn’t notice till now. Where do you eat again?

There is a knob near the mirror and you reach to open it like a door. You are back in the corridors. No matter, you are Nick Johnsmith - Senior Mailroom Staff, and you know your way around here by now.

...

Walking in the corridors, you were about to head to the Noodle Bowl when a kid on a pony shows up grumbling about the lack of his favourite food. 

You ask if he wants something else instead. The kid shakes his head and insists, as if he hasn’t eaten anything else but the best eggs, all for a little prince like me. He seems eager to share that as a fact.

Come on -- he starts going down toward this vent that looks like the top tin can. It's easy enough to open, when you go in the metal corridors unfolds into a red carpet. You don't see the kid anywhere. 

It twists and turns but stays in one path, the walls open up to the void.  Golden ornaments start to decorate the railings and its starting to look famili- ah, there's the royal family picture. 

You are back at the start. 

You know where this goes

You should get back on the ride. You’ve been walking for a long while.

There’s caviar at the casino, a plot in the Motherlobe and a throne waiting in Grulovia. Everyone should know better than stop Gristol Malik from getting what he deserves.

[astaroth1357]

Hi there, congrats for the 1500 subs. How about the bros reaction to an MC who's an empath?

Brothers with an MC Who is an Empath

This should not have been as hard as it was but maaan, my brain just wasn’t working. Finally got it done though!

Intro:

An Empath is essentially someone who is highly sensitive to outside stimuli like sounds, personalities, energies, emotions, or just hectic/chaotic environments. They tend to absorb the emotions of others into themselves because of this. Though their sensitivity can grant deeper understanding for others, it comes at the price of the Empath’s own emotional and physical health if not given enough time to decompress which can lead to feeling drained, irritable, depressed, or overwhelmed.

Lucifer

Oh boy, if there was ever any demon not in tune to his own emotions…

He started out legitimately not knowing what an "empath" was and frankly he didn't care to know. His main concern was just keeping the MC alive.

Though that didn't seem to be too hard because they apparently get tired quickly… or at least they had to take extended periods away from most of his brothers.

He wasn't sure why, he first assumed it was because they found his brothers annoying but that didn't seem to be the case either...

He'd see them grinning with Mammon after a jackpot, relaxing with Satan in silence, and even crying with Levi over things so niche and pointless he couldn’t imagine that they actually cared...

It wasn’t too long until they set their sights on him. 

They always seemed to know when he was stressed or when he needed to talk to someone. He'd even be embarrassed to admit there were days when he’d just hover somewhat close to them, face more or less slathered with "I really need to talk right now" but too proud to make the first move.

After some time, he decided to look up what an empath was again and it all clicked into place. They probably knew when he was tired because they could just sense it off of him.

And who knows how exhausting that must be for them...

After that little revelation he actually started paying more attention to his own health to keep it from spilling over to them, but he would still go to them to talk from time to time. He honestly never expected a human to become his closest confidant.

Mammon

Mammon has BIG energy. He’s one of those personalities that just brightens a room he walks in but damn… if he’s not a little exhausting to be around sometimes…

Truthfully, he was kind of into their whole “I know how you feel so you don’t have to say it” vibe though it was really confusing to start with...

On the one hand, they never made fun of him for his sensitive side. Not once. And they seemed pick up on the days where he wasn't feeling his best as well, which only made him happy and want spend more time with them.

But on the other hand, he'd be lying if he said that their need to recharge away from him didn't catch him off guard a lot... Hell, for the first few weeks of getting to know the MC he thought they didn't like him at all!

It took the MC sitting him down and explaining to him that they're more sensitive to things like lights, sounds, and emotions for him to kind of get the picture. It wasn’t that they didn’t like him, they just needed to be somewhere calm.

Cue a lot of “Okay human, I’ll be calm. Promise! Ya won’t even now I’m here!” in a well meaning, but pretty loud voice and not getting much better from there, bless his heart...

Even after he eventually gets the picture and stops hanging off of their leg, it does bum him out to be separated for however long it takes for them to get better (at worst, it can be days).

But he really gets excited like a puppy whenever they finally come back again! Big grins and lots of hugs (good luck peeling him off now).

Levi

Levi is... best taken in short bursts.

Though his personality isn’t big like Mammon’s, he does have a lot of lingering negativity around him. Not exactly his fault, being Envy and all, but not great for someone who’s sensitive to emotions.

In truth, Levi genuinely loves being around the MC because they “get” him even if they don’t get what’s happening.

While his brothers may roll their eyes or struggle to understand how he can put so much emotional investment into an anime or a character, the MC would always seem to feel and respect that his emotions were genuine and let him experience them without question.

… But at the same time, that sensitivity meant that they got carried in with him through his every emotion, good, bad, or somewhat erratic depending on the situation… 

Add to that his higher than usual need for validation, investment, and feedback due to his insecurity and unfortunately he’s easily the most emotionally draining person in the House...

It took some time to explain to Levi what an empath was and that their desired space wasn’t because there was something wrong with him or anything, they just needed breaks. Thankfully, being an introvert himself meant that Levi understood this a lot quicker than Mammon.

In truth, being with Levi could be fun and rewarding for both parties. During his high points, his happiness truly does shine like no other, just… don’t overdo it.

Satan

In the beginning, Satan was honestly pretty impressed how quickly the exchange student saw through his fake smiles. They’d know that there was no actual joy behind them and thus avoided him for the most part.

This was before they formed their pact so he was perfectly fine with that. Let them hide, that’s the smart idea.

But after getting to know them and going through the body-switch, he started to see that it was deeper than just some good intuition on their part. Something about them… reflected the people around them...

They appeared to be acutely aware of the emotion in a given person or a given room and reacted like they were soaking in the atmosphere they found themselves in. Taking it into themselves…

It truly confused him.

Satan is the picture of emotional control, it’s been taught to him again and again to always keep a good handle on himself because things go flying when he doesn’t. The idea of being so open to others just didn’t make much sense to him… 

Why would anyone want to live so dependent on the emotions of others? It sounded chaotic just to hear about it...

But after he opened up to them about his own inner doubts he started to think it wasn’t such a bad thing. They appeared to be equipped to help him navigate his own emotions, especially the new ones he didn’t have the best grasp on yet.

He later did his own research into human emotions, discovered empaths, and that put it all into perspective. Like Lucifer, he did his best not to overwhelm them after that but there was little worry about that anyway. Satan is, again, emotional control at its finest.

Asmodeus

Oh, Asmo picked up on their human’s little quirk relatively quickly compared to his brothers. Being emotionally observant is just part of what makes him so good at what he does.

Honestly, he enjoyed just watching them from afar… Watching the way their eyes lit up when talking to a cheerful Simeon or how huffy and frustrated they’d get along with Mammon when things weren’t going his way. It was cute to him, like a child playing “Pretend.”

Eventually, though, he started to notice that it went a lot deeper than mere imitation...

One day, Levi came home distraught about the tragic death of some voice actor he fancied and the MC was right along with him, crying as if that loss was theirs...

On another, Satan had spent the whole day silently fuming and the MC was a complete wreck, tense and on-edge for no other reason than the feeling of aggression in the air…

And crowds… crowded rooms seemed to be the death of them. So much noise and constant input, they’d have to leave so quickly…

Asmo saw all these things himself, without having to be told, and he became a refuge for them when things became too much. He has a big personality himself, but he could tone it down for a time and offer them a place away for a while.

If school, parties, or the brothers themselves just became too much, the MC could always go to Asmo’s room to vent like they let everybody else to with them. He’d keep the place quiet and calm and just help them sort things out...

Thank their father for Asmo’s observance.

Beelzebub

Legit the calmest, sweetest, nicest person to be around. Truly the best companion for an empathic MC to have.

Beel’s personality is positive, sweet, and (most importantly) stable. He’s not too bombastic nor too withdrawn, he’s not riddled with hidden stress or self-loathing, and he’s not even manipulative in any way, he’s just… Beel.

Am I saying that Beel is the MC’s emotional support demon? Yes. Yes I am.

Being around Beel is like hooking them up to a walking battery recharging station. Something about him just exudes warmth and comfort… They could be wrapped up in his arms for days and never say a word yet still be perfectly content...

Beel doesn't really mind them coming to him when distressed either because he likes being able to help them when they’re feeling drained. It makes him feel kind of special, they don’t seem to go to anyone else in quite the same way.

Usually, one of his brothers will be in a bad mood and the human will flock to Beel like a protective barrier. They'll hug him or trail along behind him like a lost puppy, which he thinks is very cute.

If they’re feeling really out of it, he’d carry them around on his back while they rest like he does for Belphie sometimes. Any time his brothers try to get too close to them or look like they’re going to bother them, he’ll just carry them away to some place quieter.

Though, the MC did pick up the deep sadness he felt for Lilith and Belphie (while he was gone) from time to time.... Which, considering how kind and comforting he usually is, just makes that dip in mood all the more painful and distressing for them. Poor baby… 

Belphegor

Belphie is another calm personality to have around, kind of similar to Beel, but since he's more prone to sadness and irritability he doesn't make the best companion…

If Beel is comfort, then Belphie is repose. Relaxed and peaceful, but also languid and sluggish… When Beel isn't around, then he makes a decent second, but only on good days.

Belphie has a mixed opinion on their uncanny ability to pick up on his feelings… He tries his best to be “mysterious” so having someone who can read him like a book gets under his skin just a little…

But he also really likes how much it helps them get to know him and understand where he’s coming from (being the youngest, he isn’t as used to being heard by anybody other than Beel). So, he’s very conflicted…

It didn’t help at all when it came to light that the MC could legitimately tell that he felt very hostile and angry towards them while he was still in the attic. When he asked why they helped him anyway, they told him so that they could make Beel happy again, regardless of how he felt about them which... ouch...

As if he could feel any worse about that particular incident… They could feel how guilty he was about that… right?

Even if they can’t he makes sure that they know that he’s sorry and he won’t do it again. Probably the lil’shit.

[james-fun-in-the-sunderland]

last one. hook: 11, 19, 39, 45, 67, 69. hehe

last one !!! lets go lets go lets do this!!!

DND ocs questions link (send me a number + a name)

11. if they have a pet or animal companion, how do they spend time with them? if they don’t have one, what sort of animal would they be interested in raising, if any?

I see your thougts here sir. i see where u r guiding me w the character that is exactly like talfryn. anyway i think Hook always wanted some kind of animal... like a rabbit or smth :) maybe a ferret... they really are interested in rodents especially ones that burrow bc their brother was always like lol... u in the vents like a rat or smth

19. what sparks genuine, unadulterated rage in them?

oh so many things lol. being betrayed, people being treated badly, the situation inside the facilities, not being able to do things (like feeling helpless) etc etc... they are just really really good at concealing their rage... its what you get when the only person you can talk to would get scared of you if you showed it

39. are they insecure about their appearance? how about their personality? what aspects specifically worry them?

theyre pretty insecure about their death scars :( its why they started covering them up in the first place... daggers once commented on them when she first met them in a negative way and hook thought about never showing their face to her again... :((( theres also tons about their personality too, they think that they can be too weak sometimes... too much of a pushover.. and they already see that in other people (cough cough.) and dont wanna be like that so ! it drives them crazy

45. what lies do they tell themselves?

well right now they think its a lie that rex is out there still safe... they know the facilities are quite cut-throat (pun NOT intended) and dont believe rex could have made it without them... but theyre still believing!!!! theyre kinda optimistic so pretty much alot of what they tell themself are lies...

67. do they consider themselves to be special?

absolutely not, they know theyre the most basic person out there with not much to themselves... very sort of just another cog in the machine mindset,..., especially when the one time they TRIED to be special it got them killed u-u

69. what’s one secret they don’t want getting out?

they resent their parents for dying and leaving them to be rexs sole caretaker... they know its not very constructive to have these feelings since its not like their parents could control when they died but still... they also resent rex a bit for bringing them back and leaving them with even more responsibility... but they can of course never let this out because well that would cause some conflict now wouldnt it?

[pandapupremade]

Chris you are such a fighter and you rly inspire me. I see you dealing with difficulties and trying your best to stay positive and you’ve rly helped in my perspective shift like. Being friends and moots with you has made a difference for me.

On top of that, you’re so talented and kind and you have such a creative mind. I’m always excited to learn more about your oc’s, like they have a special place in my heart. You’re just, like, someone I always enjoy seeing on my dash and I’m always wishing well for you.

anon this message broke me in such a good way. i really really am trying and like. sorry im abt to be Personal but its funny but years ago i often was told how I brightened peoples days actively bc I was so positive and I think that. in recent years, part of why I'm always apologizing for venting is because I didn't think I still had that positive vibe to me anymore. Like. I thought that I grew too negative a person, and so people ofc liked to see me bc theyre my friends but like. knowing I not only am positive enough to make you feel inspired, but to be told I was a difference to you. anon. anon i hope your days are ever so bright and full of sunshine and love. because this message has single handedly inpired ME

and my ocs having a space in your heat...thats so kind of you to let them in ur heart. maria sits nicely in ALL of us, but she is perhaps multiplying in your heart for a stronger presence and. actually thats kind of terrifying. anyway. sweeps that under the rug. genuinely tho thank you.so much

[problemswithbooks]

I’ve seen a few posts going around asking and answering why Dabi isn’t as well liked as the other LoV members, or why people aren't as accepting of him getting a redemption. It made me think and I realized a really big reason wasn’t ever brought up.

 The main problem that I think is overlooked is that Dabi/Touya has zero positive character moments where the other two major members, Toga and Shigaraki are given many. On top of this he’s given a lot negative traits, that the story never stops focusing on. Combined it makes him overall a less palpable character for some people.

Even in his own backstory he is not really given any wholly positive moments, past his first appearance wanting to train with his dad. He’ll do cute things for a panel, like shuffling his feet, or sitting at his desk, on the computer, but they are undermined pretty quickly by showcasing his frustration, and hurt he feels toward his father. Even the pivotal sibling ball game got a panel of him looking sadly at the training room, making the entire thing feel as if Touya never enjoyed playing with his siblings.

Part of that is because it’s a big part of his character that due to the emotional abuse he suffered he can’t get past or focus on anything but proving himself to his father, but wanting to be a Hero was also a big part of Tenko’s backstory but he was given moments to be soft and caring. Tenko plays with his dog, Tenko talks to his sister and mom and looks happy, while also being upset by how his father treats him. I don’t think it would have been hard to slip a scene of something similar into Touya’s backstory.

Take the Natsu moment. We are only shown him talking to Natsu while his little brother is trying to sleep, and getting incredibly hurt and frustrated when Natsu just wants to go back to sleep. Although this isn’t Touya manipulating him, or even really hurting him, its not something a lot of people will view positively. Even if Touya is incredibly distraught and requires someone to talk to, doing this while Natsu is telling him to knock it off because he’s tired comes off as kind of rude and imply that Touya cares more about his own issues then Natsu. 

Hori easily could have had Touya react differently to Natsu telling him he’s not up for talking that night. He could have had Touya sadly accept, helped tuck in his little brother, and then we could have gotten a shot of his face to show that he was still upset. It would have gotten across that Touya still couldn’t let go of his feelings and felt unheard, but still had genuine affection for his siblings. Instead all of his interactions with his siblings are him telling them they don’t understand him, or trying to attack them (Shoto). 

Of course this isn’t an unrealistic way for a child to react to abuse--in fact a lot of children do lash out. But from a story perception it makes it hard to see any good qualities in Touya especially because Dabi also lacks any good character moments. With Shigaraki we were shown that in the past, as a child he was kind and caring, which re-contextualizes his more brutal personality in the present story, making it clear AfO played a huge roll in making him the way he is.

In Dabi’s case, his past explains where his hostility came from, but his character is very similar. His one good quality has always been his cool attitude, something that you can sort of see from his gun-ho feeling toward learning his dad’s special move. Past that you can also see that his feelings of anger, resentment and lashing out at others started really young and Hori doesn’t balance this out with any positive depictions of Touya having any real affection for his siblings.

This means that Dabi’s current actions don’t seem as extreme to readers. He said he didn’t care that Natsuo was nearly killed by the villain he sent. Well that makes sense--he never showed genuine affection for Natsuo, only really using him as a person to vent to and immediately thinking badly of him when Natsu was to tired to listen to him one night. He tries to burn Shoto alive to get back at his father--well he wanted to do that the moment he meant Shoto so what’s the big deal.

His past makes him sympathetic because he certainly shouldn’t have been treated like a failure by his father. But Sympathy alone doesn’t make a character likable. I can admit that what happened to Touya was wrong and hope he heals from it, while also just not enjoying his character that is pretty much characterized as “Loner Jerk”. 

And unlike Toga, or even Shigaraki, he’s not given any positive character moments in the present either, in fact he’s given a huge negative one--namely he doesn’t care about the League.

It can be argued that his distance from them is his coping mechanism; that the abuse he suffered makes him reluctant to form bonds with others. That he says he doesn’t care, but he actually cares a lot--yet story wise what he says out loud matters more, especially since we never get his inner monologue about how he feels. Him smiling and saying he never cared about the League is what people will remember. Twice died and he smiled and said he was upset because Twice was important for his plan and nothing else--not that he was his friend. Combined with him nearly setting Twice on fire based on nothing but an assumption Hawks would save him, it kind of comes off as callous. 

This paints Dabi even more negatively because the League is supposed to be based on this feeling of comradery. Even lesser members like Compress are willing to die to help the others out. The thing that sets them apart from the other villains is their affection for each other, and so Dabi’s apathy or even rude behavior toward them makes him come across as more of an asshole then it would if they were a less cohesive group. Especially when the others do treat him like one of their own. 

So to sum up I think one of the major reasons Dabi is less well liked then Toga and Shigaraki is because his character begins and ends with “Is kind of a Jerk” and hasn’t really grown past that, not even with his backstory. He has a sad backstory, but that backstory doesn’t add any positive traits to him. Dabi doesn’t show any comradery toward his group, which is based on that very principle, yet he also doesn’t seem to have any affection for his siblings (it doesn’t make him come off as jerk to not like his parents). He doesn’t have a moral code really, and doesn’t show any sadness or regret for how things have turned out. his base characterization is kind of just “oops all negative character traits” and not everyone feels compelled to think really hard and deep about a character they already don’t like, trying to uncover his possible inner pain. 

[what-the-witch-stuff]

Allright. Elliott thread that nobody asked for. Part 4

The words you read seem to be some alien gibberish? Try these first:

Part 1   |    Part 2     |   Part 3      

Don’t worry guys. It will be over soon, I promise.

Bevore we start: This happened yesterday.

And I basically turned into that iCarly gif, where she’s on the Computer, sippin’ her drink and goes: interesting.

Because look who we have here. Our future husband acting all self-aware? Right after I assumed in my last post that he never talks about the possibility of his failure...

Elliott, do you know that I talk shit about you on Tumblr?

Please stop breaking the 4th wall...

To safe at least some of my ‘credibility’, he followed this up with something along the lines of:

“No, no...I am not fishing for compliments. Which does not mean I don't appreciate them ;) “.

Sure. Whatever.

In comparison to that:

A few in-game days previously, I had a cut-scene with Leah, where the player can suggest that she should organise an art show. And there, Leah openly communicated her fears of ppl not liking her art. I was surprised about how open she was, given that it was probably her 2nd heart event or something (?). It's interesting, how Leah (who I perceived to be more reserved than Elliott), was so willing to let us know about her insecurities. Meanwhile, Elliot seems to brush these thoughts aside rather quickly and returns to his nonchalant, graceful self.

I always thought that from the two of them, it might be Elliott who is more vocal about his emotions. But now, Elliott doesn't seem to wear his heart on his sleeves as much as I thought he would. Which changed the way I think about him quite a bit. Maybe he is more likely to hide behind platitudes and a self-assuring smile, after all.

And what can we take from this, when we would want to write, let’s say a scene with Leah/Elliott friendship dynamic?

What do you guys think?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Anyways, before I was so disgracefully exposed, I was roasting Elliott’s life choices. To which I now gladly return to.

You see, the "issue" I see with Elliott is, that he plays into a trope:

The brooding hermitic author, who turned his back onto society in favour of finding inspiration in nature.

While this might sound thrilling and "romantic", we know that Elliott is not the best candidate to conform to this lifestyle. Just compare, how we as the player, manage to form quite strong relationships with everyone in Pelikan Town just by talking to them regularly.

We see Elliott outside the beach-area quite often. But aside from Leah, he does not seem to interact with anyone much. I don't know if there are statements about Elliott made by other characters, to have some inkling on how they feel about him. But its quite remarkable, how all other friendships outside to his connection with Leah, are not explicitly known as canon (?).

After a whole year living in this town, previous to our arrival, I would suggest, that Elliott might still be very much an outsider. He even remarks how, with our arrival, it will be nice, to no longer be "the new guy" in town.

But the problem with that might have been Elliott's reservedness, to begin with. Polite, but yet, maybe, quite impersonal. All pleasantries and platitudes as mentioned above. It all plays into Elliott's refusal to experience the comforts of a normal lifestyle in favour of pursuing his art.

And I love how Elliott just brushes that aside as if its nothing. I'd really love to know: what would have been his plan b, if his debut failed?

Worst case cenario: What would he'd done, if he ended up stranded in Pelikan Town, penniless and unsuccessful?

Where would he go? Is there a place he can return to? A previous home, previous friends?

I don't think so.

But, dedicated, impuslive, sweet, dumb Elliott just thought to himself:

“I can do that. How bad can it be???, it will be fi~ne.It will be marvellous!

Authentic, truly!

It will be superb pictouresque and that is all I need to write my novel....”

Thanks Yoba. You’ll keep doing that please.

And then we also have interactions of the likes of:

“People have scaped a living off the sea for thousands of years....

I just go to the grocery store.”

A different thought I had on Elliott kind of plays into what I already said previously. But I will adress it as its own topic.

The downside of Elliott’s ego.

As much as we explored the rather whacky / chaotic elements of his character and how he does stupid shit for prestige itself, it is interesting to see what happens when the player challenges his self-dramatisation.

I keep re-thinking if and to what degree Elliott can laugh about himself.

He is not one for self-deprecating humour, I think.

I can imagine that to be more Shane’s thing.

We see different scenarios, in which Elliott reacts differently to things not going his way. One of the positives is the whole “A tiny crab made a home inside his coat pocket”- story. I have seen two interpretations of this scene. And both are dependent on the tone, in which you read his dialogue. One group thinks he is just complaining yet again.

On the other hand, you could read it more like:

“My, look what we have here. Can you believe that [y/name]?!“.

I think that Elliott does not appear to be angry or annoyed at all in that scenario, too. He could have vented to the player, how he needs a new coat, now.  But he simply leaves it at that. And you know what?

But, there are other times, where Elliott reacts negatively to the player not doing what he wants you to do. Meaning:  your reaction to him or your behaviour in a specific situation. Let's look at his 2nd (?) heart event at the Stardrop Saloon. He comes up to the bar, finds himself in the mood for company, and orders wine for you and ale for himself. 

New Headcanon:

That little crab still lives there! It will probably live there long after you two get married. And he will feed it scraps from the dinner table even though you ask him not to.

Whatever...Sounds Cute. 

My first reaction to that was: “aw, wHaT a GeNtLemAn!!!”. My second reaction was my inner feminist having a temper tantrum because: “how dare a man, to assume what I want to drink!” 

New Headcanon on Elliott and gender roles, anyone? Or is it given, that with him being a good old fashioned lover boy, his expectation on any relationship dynamic might be more traditional?

As much as I find Elliott charming and all, this could be a great red flag and, again, beautiful material for character-conflict. Maybe Elliott needs to learn to not take everything at face value. Maybe he needs to learn, how to take a joke. Especially those made at his expense.

However, when the question arises, what the two of you should drink on, he will not laugh if you say “your doom”.

This is not something he sees as sarcasm or as a joke. In fact, you lose 50 friendship points! Like holy shit. That in itself is not much, but its a game-penalty. He is actively reacting negatively toward you. This is one of the few times, where your decision actively has an impact on the friendship-metre. Of course, that statement could be delivered in a non-joking matter. Which then justifies his reaction.... sure.

But even the fact that Elliott chooses, to not downplay or gloss-over your comment, leaves me with the following interpretation:

He hoped for a charming, flirtatious interaction. All you had to do, was to play along. But you ruined it.

Just imagine a situation with a little bit of miss-communication and a version of Elliott that is a little too proud for his own good and *chef's kiss* we have drama.

Me to Elliott and Farmer-OC: fight! fight! fight! fight! :D

All of you reading right now:

omg can't you just chill??? We are here for the fluff :(((

Also: depending on how it's written, that could be one of Elliott's major character flaws. The one that is not cute at all!

__________________________

I wanted to take some jabs at Elliott's likes and dislikes. But as it turned out: Yes, you can turn Duck feathers into quills. I had this funny headcanon that Elliott wanted to be extra special by choosing duck feathers as his preferred writing instrument. And I was all like: “use a pen!!”.

But then I found out about the Unobtainable Weapons-List and Elliott’s pen is one of them. Okay, whatever. 

And then I asked google how to make quills. And while duck feathers are not the preferred or most popular option, there is also nothing that would speak against it, as long as the feather’s shaft is durable enough. So that theory has flown out of the window pretty quickly as well.

The only thing that comes to my mind instead is, how Elliott would still need a digital manuscript for publishing. But me screaming: “Where is your Laptop Elliott??? You need a computer! Its the 21 century!!!” is not half that funny anymore.

I guess I’ll end it here.

I hope you enjoyed this completely useless stream of consciousness.

I will now continue playing Stardew Valley and indulge in all my other quarantine-born obsessions.

I wish you a wonderful day and happy farming.

[linkspooky]

The Unforgivable One

Someone in my inbox accused me of not treating the heroes like “flawed human beings”. However I think they had a fundamentaly misunderstanding of the way I read characters, both heroes and villains. I don’t see people as good or bad. I see everyone as equally human and flawed. Bad people don’t do bad things because they’re psychopaths, they often do these things for very understandable and human reasons. You can often hurt someone for very normal reasons. Abusers are in fact human too, and often they don’t really see themselves as bad people. Most people are not in fact cackling villains but in fact perfectly normal human beings going through mental gymnastics to justify themselves. So with that in mind let’s take a look at the incredibly flawed human being that is Todoroki Enji. Obvious content warning for discussion of child abuse under the readmore. If you can’t stomach it please don’t read this post for your own safety.

1. Endeavor’s Motivations

Endeavor’s motivations aren’t hard to understand, because they’re basically the same as Bakugo’s his foil. This is something the manga itself has commented upon. Bakugo gives us a view into the mindset of teen Endeavor and likely the attitude that led him to becoming the adult he is. 

Endeavor is, in a way, as much of a victim of hero society as Bakugo is. In the fact that Enji has been negatively influenced by a lot of the views of hero society. Bakugo and Endeavor both have incredibly flashy quirks more suited to combat and defeating villains rather than saving people which makes them the ideal of hero society’s quirk prejudgice. People are not born equal, that’s the words that the manga start with, and it’s imporatnt to notice that people like Bakugo and Endeavor are heavily favored by hero society but that too comes with its own unique set of pressures. As hero society is ultimately a very toxic system overall that holds up an unhealthy ideal. 

Bakugo is a bully, ultimately. He wants to make other people feel small to make himself feel big. Endeavor is the grown up version of that same bully. However, Bakugo while being a bully Bakugo also has an extremely uhealthy mindset where he is constantly piling up pressure on himself and never really feeling satisfied. A mindset which instead of trying to correct Hero society praises Bakugo for having, and encourages. 

Let me explain. Basically, Bakugo and Endeavor are both the living embodiment of “damned by faint praise.” They are constantly being praised and told how special they are because of their quirks. However, while this may have been enough for them early on in their lives while they are little kids they eventually get the sense that they haven’t really earned the massive amounts of praise people give them. 

This causes both of them to be struck with a serious case of what most people call “Imposter’s Syndrome”, they don’t really feel like they’re the ones getting praised. They don’t feel like they’ve earned it. This is when one of their first mental traps springs. They decide they have to become the really great person that everyone sees them as. They’re always specifically aware of how short they fall as a hero from the expectations of everyone around them, and they are constantly working to make the difference up. 

Endeavor and Bakugo are people who have incredible drive, and also an incredible motivation to improve themselves. This has been stated before by the story several times but none of these are bad traits to have. Wanting to improve yourself. Wanting to live up to everyone’s expectations of you, or even your own expectations of yourself can lead to you pushing yourself to do good things. 

However, the problem is for both Bakugo and Endeavor that no matter how much they build themselves up in their head they’re building on very flimsy foundations. Both of them are building towers of sand, or houses of cards. They have a lot of self-confidence in themselves but it’s always fragile. Because they have confidence, but no security in themselves. They are extremely insecure individuals. 

They both pile up an incredible amounts of stress and pressure on themselves to be the best, or at least to be as good as they think they should be, but they also both suffer from the two same critical flaws. Number one, they have been taught no healthy ways to deal with this negative buildup of stress. This is once again one of the faults of hero society, if people are strong then nobody around them will ever see them as week. 

Bakugo is kidnapped by a villain at the start of the manga, not a single person is worried that he might be traumatized from nearly being killed. Of course not he has an incredibly powerful quirk. He’s strong, so he must not suffer from trauma like the weak kids. 

Bakugo is uniquely pressured because he has a strong quirk, everyone around him expects him to be strong at all times and Bakugo himself does not allow himself to show any vulnerability. Bakugo legitimately believes that if he was strong enough, he would never fail, never lose. Bakugo basically doesn’t allow himself to be human in any of the ways that count. Bakugo only sees himself but that’s a double edged sword, when things go wrong the fault has to be with Bakugo, it’s because Bakugo was weak. So, Bakugo has been severely emotionally neglected by the institutions around him including UA, which after Bakugo has been kidnapped by several murderous villains did not think to check if a fifteen year old was traumatized and mentally healthy enough to return to classes. 

The second flaw in their mindset is that they are continually forced to prove themselves. They work hard, but feel no satisfaction no matter what they accomplish. Even if they have the most resolved cases, even if they get number one in the tournament. This is because once again, the enormous pressure and expectations they push onto themselves. If a Straight A student gets A’s, it’s not extraordinary he’s merely doing what’s expected. If a C student gets an A that’s an accomplishment. Their expectations are so high for themselves that they can literally never be met, and therefore they feel no relief from the constant piling up of expectations and stress. 

This is why Bakugo is fundamentally insecure. He’s not good enough to meet his own standards, and it seems like everyone else exists to prove how small he is. Bakugo sees the world as everyone else looking down on him because he’s so stuck in his own head. Bakugo cannot emotionally process this, and because of that at even the smallest upset he starts crying and acting like a child because he just can’t handle these emotions. He’s unstable, mentally always in a very precarious place. 

What Bakugo wants is to feel good about himself. He wants to feel like all his hard work is accomplishing something. However, Bakugo’s self esteem comes not from what he’s accomplished but rather that feeling of being better than others, the societal pressure to be the best, which is why he not only has to be the strongest but has to put others down below him. Not only that, but if he feels like somebody is disrespecting him or not taking him seriously then Bakugo even goes as far as to lash out violently. He literally tried to attack an unconscious Todoroki (who was holding back due ot having flashbacks of his father in the middle of a fight against Bakugo... hmm, i wonder why). Bakugo’s mindset is very insular. Bakugo just kind of assumes that everybody thinks exactly the same way he does, because he’s not emotionally intelligent really to understand other people. So he just assumes Todoroki holding back is an intentional insult against him and gets angry. In Bakugo’s mind it’s justifable to be violent against an unconscious Todoroki, because Todoroki’s the one intentionally provoking him and looking down on him. 

Bakugo and Endeavor go through a similiar arc. They both build these giant towers on foundations of sand, only to watch them crumble and be left with nothing. They both realize that they were fighting for the wrong thing all this time. 

When they realize they were fighting for the wrong thing, all they can feel is emptiness and their own personal disatisfaction. Bakugo and Endeavor were chasing something they were never really going to have in the first place, because even if they became the number one hero, even if they were the strongest in the world it would never be enough for them. Which means they’ve accumulated all this stress but have no healthy way to deal with it so they vent it out. Literally the only thing Bakugo can think of to do when he’s at his limit is beat up Deku one more time and try to make himself feel strong again and prove that his way of doing things wasn’t wrong. 

Bakugo and Endeavor find themselves at similiar points. They both realize everything they were devoting themselves for was wrong from the start, and they were never going to get what they wanted out of life. While Endeavor’s reasons are not necessarily sympathetic, they are at least understandable and human. Endeavor feels like he’s owed a reward for all of his hard work. He wants to feel like he’s someone special and important. Endeavor and Bakugo are selfish yes, but a selfish drive doesn’t have to be a bad thing necessarily. Endeavor and Bakugo are always pushing themselves to be the absolute best version of themselves because they believe in society’s pressure to be the best wholeheartedly. They’re also continually made to feel worse than everyone around them. Their tremendous egos are actually fueld by very small insecurities. 

They also much like human beings don’t absolutely think they are right all the time. Bakugo and Endeavor both have hit their limits so to speak. Their struggles are sisyphian. They push the boulder up the hill, watch it roll down, push the boulder up the hill, watch it roll down and are slowly realizing that all of their struggles are getting them absolutely nowhere. At which point both of them begin to self reflect and think they may have been going about things all wrong from the start. Bakugo and Endeavor both have some awareness of how unhealthy their mindset is, or at least that it’s not getting them what they want.  They are sometimes capable of questioning themselves and where they’ve gone wrong. 

2. A Show Parent

Psychological projection is a defense mechanism people subconsciously employ in order to cope with difficult feelings or emotions. Psychological projection involves projecting undesirable feelings or emotions onto someone else, rather than admitting to or dealing with the unwanted feelings.

Endeavor is constantly battling with his own feelings of inferiority in weakness. However rather than process these feelings in healthy ways, Endeavor has always chosen to take his feelings out on his family. The reason why is because from the start Endeavor has viewed his family in a selfish way, they existed, and continue to exist for him and not the other way around. 

The way Enji projects on his family is actually for pretty common every day reasons. Enji himself feels like he can’t achieve what he wanted out of life. He wasn’t good enough to become number one, he couldn’t hack it and therefore he’ll never be good enough. That’s why he made the decision to instead try to live vicariously through Shoto, who he sees as an extension of himself. Enji has projected all of his wants and desires entirely onto Shoto. When he was raising Shoto, it was never about having Shoto’s needs met, but rather what Enji’s wants were. 

Enji feels that he himself is not good enough so he projects himself onto Shoto to accomplish what he can’t, belcause he thinks he will be able to find the fulfillment he’s seeking that way. It’s the same as a person with dreams of becoming an actor pushing their child onto the stage at young ages instead of letting them go to school with all of the other kids. It’s the same as a person who wasn’t able to achieve their dreams in sports pushing their kid to be good at sports. In that sense Enji is not Todoroki’s father, he is his coach, or his manager. He’s not responsible for taking care of a child he’s raising them for a purpose. 

This is the reason why we see Enji get physically angry at Shoto. Enji has so thoroughly projected himself onto Shoto, that anything Shoto wants outside of what Enji wants, Enji perceives as resistance. Enji does not seem to get that a five year old can’t take the intensive training because he sees himself as that five year old. He thinks that Shoto must just not want it enough. That he’s not motivated enough. That he’s resisting him purposefully. It’s the same reason as Bakugo getting violent towards the unconscious Shoto near the end, when Shoto stopped fighting him seriously Bakugo in his fragility perceived it as Shoto holding back from him on purpose because he was looking down on him. 

If Shoto succeeds then Enji expects to feel that success. If Shoto fails that means Enji is not only reminded of his own inferiority again, but he also is forced to relive his lost dreams. Shoto doesn’t know any of that though, he’s just Shoto, just a kid, so of course he’s going to fall short of Enji’s extremely schewed expectations which is where the negative feedback loop beings. 

Because, even though Enji is using his family to try to make himself feel better that doesn’t work either. The truth is Enji can’t live vicariously through his son. Shoto’s success is not his success, and Shoto himself even wants nothing to do with him anymore. Enji has been using his family for completely selfish reasons up to this point and we reach a point in the narrative where Enji at least seems to grasp the fallout of his actions. Enji is at least aware of the fact that his family doesn’t like him, and that he’s done a bad. 

Reconciliation and calm are both stages that are written into the cycle of abuse for a reason. Most abusers are not heartless monsters, but rather humans. The frightening thing is abuse is a very normal thing, that arises from normal circumstances. Almost anybody can become an abuser, because it’s an abuse of power, it’s a cycle people get trapped in. A lot of abusers realize that what they are doing is wrong, this is called th reconciliation stage of abuse. Most people do in fact feel bad about it when they hurt another person and want to make ammends. 

The reason abuse repeats however is because the core behavior does not change, and the power dynamic remains in place. Abusers apologize for the wounds they caused, but don’t really address the problems of their behavior on a deeper level, and because of that they let the tensions build again and another incident always occurs. 

So what we are seeing post All Might retirement is not really a change in Enji’s behavior, because the core of who he is remains the same. He has perhaps had a change in motivation, he’s realized that trying to be the number one hero is never going to get him what he wants, and the way he’s treated his family has made his family hate him. However, he never addresses the core of the issue which is that he thinks his family exists for his sake. This is not my analysis these are things Enji has literally said, not in the tournament arc but post Kamino. Endeavor still says I’m going to leave everything to Shoto. Not even asking what Shoto wants to be. He still sees Shoto as his heir who exists to carry on his legacy.

 Enji is still essentially doing exactly what he did before and expecting a different result. He even says so to Shoto, if he’s a good enough hero, then Shoto will watch him, and be proud of him. These are Endeavor’s own selfish motivaions and not what the other people around him really want him to do. He’s doing this for the acknowledgement he thinks he deserves, and the attention from his family he thinks he deserves and not really for altruisitic or heroic reasons. 

Enji repeats a lot of his behavior from before. He still piles attention and attention onto Shoto that Shoto does not want. He is still essentially projecting himself onto Shoto and the rest of his family, that behavior has not changed, it’s just his method. He thinks if he becomes number one dad now instead of number one hero that will get him the sense of accomplishment he craves. The problem is underneath all of his actions, Enji has yet to really grasp what he did wrong. He doesn’t grasp how selfish his actions are. He doesn’t seem to understand how messed up it is, that he seems to think his family exists for his sake. He found a wife, he had children, he had Shoto, not because he wanted to make a family happy but because he wanted to use them to further his own amibtions to become a hero. 

Enji is both capable of realizing that he hurt people, and feeling genuine remorse fo his actions but also not really making any signficant changes for his behavior. The fact that both of these can be true simultaneously is what allows abuse to continue. 

While he knows he did something wrong you also get a sense he doesn’t truly understand how truly heinous some of his actions were. Enji always has this narrative inside of his head that he simply made a mistake somewhere along the way, that he acted without even realizing what he was doing. 

It’s not that Natsuo is angry with him and will never stop being angry with him, it’s that Enji has somehow said the wrong words by mistake. It’s not that Enji violently beat a child because he was angry that child wasn’t living up to his impossible standards, but Enji somehow just ignored Shoto’s wishes. 

He always makes it sound like it was accidental, like he didn’t know what he was doing, like he somehow didn’t mean to abuse them. He wasn’t beating up a little kid he just ignored Shoto’s wishes and it somehow went wrong along the way. This complete lack of culpability that Enji has towards his own actions is also what leads him to repeat several really bad aspects of his behavior, such as hyperfocusing on Shoto to the point of ignoring Fuyumi and Natsuo, forcing Shoto to live up to his legacy and accept his help, still vicariously living through Shoto instead of letting Shoto be his own person. 

Enji doesn’t address the root cause of the behavior and doesn’t change himself in any real way. The bad behavior repeats. The cycle continues. What Enji has been avoiding and what he needs to acknowledge is that there was genuine malice in the way he treated his kids. He sees his whole family as existing for his sake, to meet his own emotional needs and when they failed he always took it out on them. 

For Enji it’s always Enji first and everyone else second. It’s always primarily about what Enji wants. He doesn’t seem other people, only himself, and what he wants. That’s why when Shoto literally has half of his face burned off as a result of Enji’s actions, all Enji really cares about is that it’s going to interrupt Shoto’s training. 

Whenever Enji’s family existed outside of what he wanted them to be, or got in his way in any significant way he always vented his frustation on them. He resorts to hitting for the same reason that Bakugo always feels the need to bully Deku. A grown up bully. Enji needs to make others feel small to feel assured of his own bigness. Deku has to always be underneath Bakugo, otherwise Bakugo’s worthless. Enji has to put his family back in their place. If they resist or show desires of their own otuside of what Enji needs for them he turns violent to try to force them back. It all arises from an incredibly unhealthy way of viewing himself and his own emotions yes, but it’s also something that other people suffer the consequences of. 

His family exists for his sake, which is why he’s at the same time both extremely controlling of them, but also just straight up ignores the ones who aren’t useful to him. 

These aren’t a result of Enji going too far, these are all intentional cases of neglect. Especially if you consider the way Natsuo and the others were treated. Enji didn’t even bother to take care of them and raise them as his children because they weren’t of any use to his ambitions. 

He straight up had no presence in their lives whatsoever. These are things he intentionally chose to do. For his own selfish reasons, because he thought his children existed for his own happiness and not the other way around that he was not responsible for his children. 

These aren’t things that can happen on accident. Neglect is as much of an abusive behavior as what was done to Shoto. It’s a parent failing even their basic responsibilities as a parent to be present and around in their child’s life. 

Even the children he neglects he still controls though. When Natsuo’s cooking wasn’t good enough, Enji forced him to stop cooking anymore. 

Enji had to have intentionally does these things, but when confronted with them he always acts clueless. He even claims to Natsuo’s face it was never his intention to shut any of them out of his life, even though he literally says on panel in the past that Shoto shouldn’t pay attention to his siblings because his brothers were failures. 

He’s even referred to his other children as things like Shoto is somehow different from them. So how can both of these things be true at the same time? Enji had to have chosen to done these things to intentionally neglect his family, so how can he claim he never meant to shut them out of his life? How can Enji both get genuinely hateful of his children, especially Shoto when they don’t act the way he wants them to, and yet also want to do the best for his family? How can he be completely absent in Natsuo’s life his entire life and yet claim to have wanted the best for him? How is Enji capable of feeling genuine remorse for his actions and realizing that they are wrong, and still have done what he did? It’s at this point we reach the psyhological excuses. The great many hoops that he’s jumped through and mental gymnastics Enji has performed to justify himself. 

3. The Shadow of the Hero

So there seems to be two contradictory sides to Enji. There is Endeavor the hero who stops at nothing to be number one who sees nothing else but his ambition and his burning drive to be better, and then there’s Todoroki Enji the family man who just seems to be sort of awkward, emotionally absent, and not at all present in his children’s lives. 

Endeavor is overconfident, short tempered, and also an extremely volatile person who will get violently angry if the wrong buttons are pushed. Enji is very quiet and almost self reflective. As if Endeavor is almost always burning, and Enji is burnt out. We see this same kind of emotional dissonance happen with Bakugo too, Bakugo is either on top of the world at which point he’s firing on all cyllinders and acts like an overenthusiastic angry idiot, or he’s very quiet, withdrawn and tends to dump on himself a lot. It’s important to remember that neither of them handle their emotions in any kind of remotely healthy way, so in Enji’s case it makes sense that when he’s not angry he just becomes kind of withdrawn and empty. A person who doesn’t know how to deal with emotions becomes very emotionally awkward when they’re asked to do anything besides, be angry, or punch a villain. 

However it goes to a much more extreme extent with Endeavor. To the point where it does almost seem like there are two people. There’s the much more calmer, and reasonable Enji that he has been showing around his family lately.

Which even Natsuo says that this change is so sudden and different it’s unnatural. I call this “good behavior” Enji. It’s when he’s restraining himself and holding himself back because he has at least realized that a lot of his interactions with his family in the past were wrong. But good behavior once again doesn’t necessarily mean a change in one’s self, because as stated above there’s a stage in the cycle of abuse specifically for when the abuser starts acting better for a period of time. 

There has always been two faces to Endeavor. Not only does Endeavor see himself that way, but that’s also the way the public in general reacts to him. There is Endeavor the hero, and Enji the person. Shoto even comments on this word for word, that he knows Enji is a very respectable hero especially to the public but that doesn’t cancel out a single thing he did. 

This is where we get into the psychological excuses. Enji’s arc deals with heavy Jungian themes, specifically that of the shadow. 

In Jungian psychology, the "shadow", "Id", or "shadow aspect/archetype" may refer to (1) an unconscious aspect of the personality which the conscious ego does not identify in itself, or (2) the entirety of the unconscious, i.e., everything of which a person is not fully conscious. In short, the shadow is the unknown side.

Because one tends to reject or remain ignorant of the least desirable aspects of one's personality, the shadow is largely negative. There are, however, positive aspects that may also remain hidden in one's shadow (especially in people with low self-esteem, anxieties, and false beliefs).

For Enji, his conscious personality is Endeavor the hero. That’s the one everyone sees and reacts to. However, his shadow his the actions he’s done to his own family, what he keeps hidden and concealed from the world. The things he refuses to acknowledge such as how selfish his actions truly were. 

Enji has a narrative for himself where everything he did was just because he wanted to be the best possible hero he can be. Even though his actions are entirely selfish, he’s convinced himself that he’s doing these things for Shoto, for his family. The problem is Enji’s entire identity is so focused around being a hero that he doesn’t really have an identity, or much of a personality outside of his career as a hero which is why he’s so underdeveloped as a person. Being a hero is his life. He doesn’t see the parts of his life that don’t relate to his career as a hero. 

He’s able to ignore the selfish aspect of his actions. All of the contrdictory parts of his actions because he’s in denial. He still sees himself as that hero who wanted to be number one. He thinks everything he did was in favor of that and he just messed up along the way. It doesn’t occur to him that he had geniune malice towards his children, or his family because he chooses to ignore those inconvenient points of his psychology. 

Enji is, two people in a sense. It’s because he revolves everything in his life around being the best hero he absolutely can be, that he doesn’t see how his actions are downright villainous. Enji is essentially trying to have it both ways. He thinks he can become the best hero that he can be, and also the best dad at the same time. 

However, his behavior is the same. He’s not trying to prove himself as a father not really, he’s just doing the same thing he always did which is put his job as a hero above everything else. Enji is just so completely in his own head, so in denial of his own actions that he just doesn’t see these things.

Enji’s actions are a shadow that have escaped from him because his way of atoning and fighting against his past actions is to just do the same thing he’s always did and try his best as a hero. Even though being a hero is literally what caused him to abuse his family, and Natsuo and Todoroki have both pointed out several times that being a good hero doesn’t really atone for what he did in any real way. 

Enji’s narrative for himself is that his attempt to be number one was a good thing. That his striving to be the best hero he could be was a good thing. It just somehow got bad results for him. He doesn’t really understand how he got to point A and point B, and part of that is again society’s image of Endeavor the Hero is pretty messed up too. Everyone around him praises Endeavor for being a hero while absolutely nobody talks about what happened in his home life and therefore Endeavor faces no real consequences for it. 

Everyone sees this heroic figure out of the image that Enji projects. Because that’s the light. That’s who he is on the surface. If you look on the surface of his actions only you just see a guy who doesn’t know how to give up, and was trying his best to be number one. It almost looks heroic to see his struggle. However, once again if you only view things from the surface you can’t really understand him or his actions. Which is why Endeavor only viewing himself as Endeavor the hero misses his own shadow and what he’s done to the other people around him. 

The person who Endeavor thinks he is, and who Enji really is are two different people. This is because of that unacknowledged shadow. It’s because Endeavor has this huge selfish element to his actions that he’s just completely in denial of.  Not because he doesn’t feel guilt for his actions, but because he does and he’s avoiding it. 

Enji sees himself in the high end Nomu he struggles against, but even that is an incorrect viewing of himself. Nomus are victims, ultimately. They were people who were kidnapped and had multiple quirks loaded into them in the name of mad science. The Nomu is Todoroki, Enji is Ujiko. He’s the one who created several children trying to mix quirks together for his own purposes and then dodged responsibility for that for years. He’s not the monster, he’s Doctor Frankenstein himself. 

Enji when confronted with these behaviors, with the absolute worst of his personality, and the dark sides of all of his intentions never acknowledges them. He never tries to integrate them into who he is as a person. He just tries to fight against them and defeat them. 

“Unless we do conscious work on it, the shadow is almost always projected; that is it is neatly liad on someone or something else we do so we do not take responsibility for it.” Robert Jonson

You don’t destroy a shadow. You don’t make the bad things you’ve done and the bad parts of your personality go away.  The only way to defeat the shadow is to integrate it and consciously acknowledge that you are like this. This shadow stuff is not something I’m applying to the text either, the text directly references it. 

This is Jungian symbolism. The light of the conscious mind creates the shadow. It’s because people only pay attention to Endeavor that hero, that his shadow Enji the person becomes thicker and blacker. The longer people go without acknowledging it, the darker his shadow will become. 

Which is why Dabi is in a way his shadow as well. The violent parts of his personality that Enji has failed to acknowledge or do anything about, part of Enji that still believes that the only thing that matters is strength. 

Enji would never approve of Dabi’s actions, and yet Enji also created Dabi. Once again think of frankenstein and the monster. Dabi wouldn’t even exist if Enji had never abused his family. The monster argues against Doctor Frankenstein that yes he has murdered people, but he never would have existed in the first place unless the doctor had created him which manes the doctor shares respsonsibility for even the unintended consequences of his actions. A person is responsible for their shadow, intentional or not. Dabi is the shadow of Endeavor’s actions in human form. 

He exists to bring into conflict what Enji has been ignoring. That he can’t be good to his family and be a good hero at the same time, because his drive to be a hero was the source of his abusive behavior in the first place and drove him to do what he did to his family. 

Enji is a very selfish person who hasn’t confronted his own selfishness in any significant way. Do I care that he’s only atoning for selfish reasons. No, that’s not the problem exactly. You could argue that all atonement is selfish in nature. The fact that Bakugo and Enji are very self-driven individuals is not necessarily the problem, it’s not a bad thing to want to be selfish, or even desire to better yourself. It can lead to good things. It’s that in Enji’s case, his selfishness always comes at the expense of others. He completely shuts people out and doesn’t even see them. All he sees is what he wants to see. Above all else this viewpoint of the world is very narrow and self-serving. He only sees the surface of his own actions. He only ever sees himself as the hero and can’t acknowledge that to his family he’s the villain. 

Enji only ever saw himself and his self-centered view of the world, and everybody else, including the children he was responsible for and the wife he forced a marriage on only ever got in his way, which is why he resented them. If Enji wants to atone that’s one thing, but if Enji wants to stop being such a selfish person and truly do things for the sake of his family as he’s stated he wants to in the past that means acknowledging his actions. 

Enji continues to be a hero because that’s what he wants, it’s what he’s built his whole life around. He even sees his path forward to atonement as just continuing to do his job as a hero, even when he’s told by Natsuo that won’t work. Which is why the only real substantial way for Enji to change is to actually have to give something up. To acknowledge that he’s in fact a bad hero. He even stated himself, there’s something he wants even more than being a hero now. He wants Toya to be there. 

Which is why Dabi is such an important character because he not only forces Enji to realize the worst of his actions but also to choose, between what is best for himself and his career as a hero which is the only thing he’s ever really cared about and what is best for his family. It’s only in the confrontation with his shadow that we can see what Enji is really made of. 

[teawiththegods]

Heyyyy Parental Pal

I’m having a Time TM because I had the WONDERFUL thought of: “Oh, hey. Since a lot of your friends and classmates have come out as transgender...Wouldn’t it be funny if you were ALSO FtM Trans?” And I laughed about it and then I *didn’t* because wow brain really liked that and now I’m having a crisis

I’m content as being non-binary and being an enigma. I really am. I like the name I’ve chosen, it’s all cool. But some days...last couple of days, specifically, I feel a little more on the binary scale but completely on the OTHER side. And I don’t even - I don’t know

Fhdjdk I’m not sure what this message was supposed to be other than a vent to someone who might understand. I can’t see my therapist due to a building switching situation and I have no way else to talk it out without bringing up some really strange topics with my mom (the one I usually talk about things like this with.)

I’m just very frustrated with myself and can’t seem to stick with an identity long enough to get comfortable before something else uproots me. I’m going to try to get in with my therapist asap but for now, I hope things settle. (Cause the fun question is: do I want to *look* like this guy or do I want to *be* this guy? Looking like him would be hella dope and I’m three seconds from making a hair appt for that fhdjdkd)

Thanks for listening >_< love you! Hope Aphrodite April is a lot of fun! - Ren

I actually understand this a lot! And tbh I think a lot of people will relate because as I always say: gender is an elusive bitch!

I’ve wondered if I was more genderfluid than bigender. Then I wondered if I was a trans boy that was confusing my femininity with being a girl. Then i went in the whole opposite direction and preceded to completely invalidate myself by being like “You’re making all this up. Stop trying to be special. You’re a cis woman. get over it”

I think for me personally its difficult bc OF COURSE i have the gender identity that isn’t as well known as other ones. I rarely see it being mentioned and my pronouns are never included. So that just sort of gives the negative part of my brain fuel to invalidate me.

Also the more I think about it, my gender identity in itself kind of sets me up to be confused. When i’m in my girl identity it’s easy to have that self doubt because i’m AFAB so the whole “see you’re cis” mindset kind of makes sense (along with feeling like my identity isn’t represented) then when i’m in my boy identity it’s easy to see why I would go through that “am i actually a trans boy?” thought process. And then when I’m feeling both at the same time then “Wait am i actually genderfluid??”

I think I just solved my gender crisis! lol! Thanks for that! xD

Wish I could have done the same for you but hopefully seeing that someone else is just as confused and all over the place as you are helps you at the very least not feel alone. Gender really is an elusive bitch.