#but itll come back in like a year right?
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No wedding Idia for me this time :(
But I got 3 SSR and plenty of SR out of it all, so I'm not too disappointed! Idia will come home when he feels the time is right
I also got the limited time Riddle, but I can't be bothered to get 300 more rings for Lilia tonight soooo rip him I guess
#its a bummer i couldnt get the best Idia card#maybe the best card in the game in general#but itll come back in like a year right?#idk how long event reruns take in twst#i just got here#well i got here 14 months ago but didnt play for 13 of them#so yknow#wish i had known what i know now#wouldnt have chosen Jack of all people to be my starting SSR#hes like one of the 2 chaeacters i dont really care about#but at the time i didnt know anyone and im p sure in that pull i got like 4 SR so i didnt wanna reroll again#so Jack it is i suppose#if i hadnt gotten those 3 SSR this week i would have thought about restarting my account tbh#but im alos friends with a really high level player#and their Vil carries me through everything#i cant lose them I'll be helpless#if you see this Vil person#ily
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i like overthink everything now it makes me feel so dumb. i used 2 be able to just talk 2 ppl but nowadays every single thing im like Is that actually going to make them hate me. Yes probably. and then i just dont respond which makes ppl hate me. this is how it is
#ive been overthinking 1 light and casual mildly funny response to something but im worried itll come off as disrespectful and dismissive And#make me seem stupid and uncaring all at the same time. and also be seen as insulting. but like idt itd be insulting right like. im not#saying what it is so ig for all you guys know im like I mean if i say All your shit suck ball and i hateit kys. <- thats not the thing i was#going to say#like it doesnt matter now the window for response is closed now but i feel stupid bc i shouldve just said it it was light and casual. im so#bad at keeping convos gojng im convinced im not going to survive. In like a light and casual way like in a He will not make it through the#winter joke way. dw. im not going to do anything bc i had One failed interaction. if i was going to do anythjng itd be bc of the 8000000#other failed interactions. But im not. anyways. it just makes me feel so useless 😭 like i want to respond i want to talk to ppl so bad but#i feel like i mess things up Irreparably every time i speak OR i take too LONG overthinking my response and then i just cant respond bc its#been too long and then its been 3 years and the only messages ive ever sent r my intro message and 1 message 2 years ago that nobody#responded to at all. or the conversation stopped immediately after. and like i used to be better at this i was lkke. talkative in a couple#muts servers like. i talked 2 ppl daily in those servers and i had fun and like. I was an important part of the group and i felt like it#but i just feel like such an outsider for Everything and its literally my fault bc i cant just like. Talk. The explosion. bc im always like#im gonna try im gonna do it this time im gonna get it back im going to finally be Good connor and im going to fix it all and make a Good#solid friend group and ill find HEALTHY LOVE and i wont selfsabotage and ill move out and have a job and ill balance it well and ill start#all my hobbies and ill have a great routine and be so loveable and on top of it and not stressed and content and happy and roll with the#punches and then theres a single hiccup and im like Well fuckinf whatever im going to be an unemployed hermit forever and im going to die b4#im 25 anyways so Who cares and also im digging a little hole for myself. and its like. AUGHH ik i just have to persevere and overcome but#even saying that feels so stupid its not fucking hard its Talking to ppl. like. i literally if ive ever said a word to you i had to think#avt it and strategize how to respond right even for like. like. it makes it sound like its not genuine it is#like for example i want to say hey i love your art! but then i freak out and im like thats not normal thats like a rly generic comment they#hear that all the time theyll thjnk im being polite and my brains like hrmmm rewrite Your art changed my life. It shaped me. Ill never be#the same. Nad im like ok too far overcorrected go back and the sentence generator is like Your art has colors 💯 like. GOD. WHY IS IT SO#difficult. and then usually i either just dont say anythinf and feel awful abt it 4ever OR i send it on anon and then i spend like 15#minutes ibsessively slightly tweaking the apelling and capitalization and punctuation to make sure it doesnt seem like its me just in case#it Is the worst possible thing to say but then i see the response and itll be like AWWW TYSM :] THIS MEANS A LOT or whathaveyou and i feel#stupid bc i couldve just Told them this to their face and it wouldve been a good positive interaction we had. but instead i had 2 hide and#tyoe entirely differently so they couldnt sniff me from my typing style. and it soesnt even feel like the thanks is actually 4 me bc i#tweaked the message sm. and it still makes me happy that the oersons hapoy but its like. that couldve been a nice mutual interaction#like not that i need a personal ty i compliment ppl when i Want to compliment ppl and when its genuine yk. i dont do it so i get mutualpoint
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#ah yes. my old friend: getting nothing done all day bc im too paralyzed to attempt to read anything#thanks. i hate it here#today felt like i was trapped in october of last year. which was disorienting#bc it was cold ang gloomy out and i just kept listening to doomsday by lizzy mcalpine#itll get better once im back in the habit of things. at least that's what im telling myself. just expect me#to complain a lot bc im back in the torture machine. by which i mean life as a grad student#evolution prof: u should be reading at least 20 papers per week. and shes right but also what if i just lay on the floor and expire#what then? oh hey u use text to speech on papers? that must b super helpful! yeah sure it takes 2 broken things:#my ability to not process audio and not understand text in order to try to put me on a normal reading level.#except that it still fucking sucks and i hate everything.#and it doesnt even fuckibg matter for this class bc shes giving us pdf scans that are image based not text based#so i cant even use text to speech. which is ya kno. real fucking cool. welp. its been real#goodbye to any sort of notion that i appear to kno what im doing. or that i can read anything#oh god. why tf did i decide it was a good idea to come back?#dread! paralyzing dread! oh how ive missed u#unrelated
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AHHHHHH
#this post brought to you by: me#i. applied for a preapproval letter for a mortgage yesterday. and spoke to a realtor to start finding me houses#i want to move several states away which further complicated things. but the houses there are CHEAP#like under 100k for a 2 bedroom move in ready#anyways i got approved for 80k with a 20k down payment. and im FREAKING THE FUCK OUT#and because i got that pre app letter i have a loan officer calling me today to talk#and we literally work at the same bank so i can SEE that hes active and hasnt read my message#even though its been 45 minutes. KEVIN MESSAGE ME BACK. IM NOT GONNA BE ABLE TO FOCUS UNTIL I DO THIS CALL#AHHHHHHH S C R E A M. it might happening!!!! i might be finally.mov8ng out in a few months!!!#i mgiht be a HOMEOWNER by the end of the year#i have been saving money for this since i was. 16? 17?#ive had a good well paying job since i was 18.#AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH#once i have a house then i start job searching in that area. and start getting really serious about LEAVING my very good job#which is soooo scary. this job was supposed to be my lifelong career. but then everyone fucking moved to other states and left me behind#so theres no point staying here.#i might never have this kind of job security again.#but also my realtor said that theres a lot of bank jobs in that area so maybe itll be easy to find something#on the fence on if i tell my parents that im Making Moves right now#on one hand its hard to not talk about it becuae im STRESSED TF OUT#but on the other hand when i tentatively mentioned the state i want to move to#richard started yelling and swearing el oh el#might be better to wait and avoid the tension as long as possible?#but also i dont know how they can stay angry when its literally my best option#the other places where my friends live either have 0 opportunity and high housing prices. or are even moe liberal than where im going#idk. why do half of my problems come down to “my parents will be mad” like im a 12 year old or something. shit fucking sucks#this is why i want to get out of here#also it feels weird and bad to talk to my friends about how stressed i am about buying a house when all of them are stressed about#not being able to make rent or something. my problems feel like a brag in a really odd and shitty way. but hey!#if this works out maybe ill start being stressed about how im going to make my mortgage payments! :') yay!
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#personal#it feels like im not allowed to complain about my own life on my own blog#or at least that if im allowed to that it seems very firstworld problem very selfish very not appropriate with all thats going on#that people will and do think less of me for expressing my own sadness and frustrations because theres no way it compares#to a lot of peoples very big and very real problems#but im so fucking sick of being poor and small. all ive had to eat today is 2min noodles roughly 10 hours ago#and all ill get tomorrow is a bowl of 2min noodles but ittl be another 15 or so hours until its the most reasonable to eat that#thats the real girlmath and then thats the last of my noodles. that leaves me with one (1) small tin of tuna#which might end up being tonights intermediary food if i really cant wait 15 nore hours for my next noodles but is supposed to be#the one meal of the day after tomorrow. so if i eat it too soon then i have even more time that i just dont fucking eat#im so sick to death of being in this position. like its literally killing me and theres fuck all i can do to make it better#ive tried. and i try and i try and i try but i can never afford anything#my landagent keeps sending me textx asking when theyll see a patment for my $50 water bill#i have to stop myself from texting back every time. youll see payment when im not spending literally 75% of my pay on rent alone#when i can afford to buy food and bills at the same time. whn i dont feel like kms-ing would be better than paying you my rent every frtnite#i crave a burger so bad i cant make myself do any tasks. i cant start or continue any crafts or chores because all im thinking about#is a burger like a blorbo rotating in my mind alongside the background noise that i wont get a burger and will only get noodles but not for#hours. a whole days worth of hours almost#my shitawful roomate is back and i have to play nice but he gives me the same feelings my abusive mother did. im scared to leave my room#in the safeplace house ive spent the last two years building for myself. this feels awful. things were all going so right and now#all of a sudden theyre all going as wrong as possible and im struggling so much. with no one to help. no one cares enough to help#the few people i do have are wrapped up in their own lives. which i get. but it doesnt take away the hurt of dealing with it all alone again#lot of momma trauma coming up with the end of eclipse season and i thought i was handling it. now i just feel fucking awful all the time#like ik healing isnt linear but the roomate triggers so hard things i thought i had processed and was on top of#would a burger fix that? no but itd atleast give me something to emotionally lean on for strength though it. but all ive got is noodles#24 hour apart one meal per day noodles. and tomorrow is my last pack. my only solace lately is that ive been invited to my first ever rave#or my first real rave anyway ive only been to one other 'edm event' that was not really a rave of any scale it was like 25 people#but its a halloween rave so im hoping for spooky fun dancetimes at least theres that. im out of data and spotifyprem so i havent been able#to take my silly little mental health walks bc theres zero chance im doing that without music and so itll be noce to get outside fr the rave#anyway. im doing very poorly i appreciate you few who reached out while i wasnt active but i expect ill continue to do poorly for some time
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my dad came in and saw me on the couch (for the first time all day and i had literally just sat down for less than a minute when he came in) w heating pad and immediately goes "you have two options" (different chores to do) (as if i was like 10 years old and getting punished for something that i didnt even know i did wrong). what about secret third option where you treat me like an adult or i don't come home for winter next year. Lol
#.mei chats#soryr really my family is. great i need to stpo complain#i just wish theyd realize that im not incompetent#i do a really good job taking care of myself for the entire 10 months out of the year that i dont live with them#and im proud of the independence ive developed bc i worked really hard to feel ANY sort of positive feelings about myself#but they just dont recognize it at all when i come back#trying to tell me how to microwave my food and reminding me of paperwork i have to do#Thanks i literally managed the entire program tasks myself for the last 6~months but yeah you better remind me about the medical forms#or else ill totally forget and mess up the whole thing :'333 bc im just so stupid!! thakn you soooo much for taking care of me!!#<- not like ive been hypervigilant and anxious about making sure i do every little thing with it perfect#in fact there was actually an issue w one of my forms bc they made me submit it even though i didn't think it was filled out properly.#they were like “itll be fine youre overthinking” guess who got an email 3 days later saying the form was completely invalid.#god just bottom line why cantthey trust me when i say im on top of it. fucking trust me this program is my entire life right now#i am putting literally eveyr ounce of effort i've got into not ruining it. they just dont see the improvements and growth ive made at all#so frustrating bc ive worked so hard to pinpoint and fix that specifically but what can ya do#god this got long. sawry#.not f/o related
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i miss home :-|
#maudlinposting when its 1030 pm n everyone's asleep lfggggggg#man. man. photos pulled up stuff from two years ago right b4 i moved permanently.... i miss it !!!#i miss skating around a neighborhood i knew like the back of my hand a route i could take with my eyes closed.... i miss the river by the#land that got washed out by the hurricane & the weeping willow by the dead end street & the abandoned railway bridges id hang out on.....#i can close my eyes & go through every turn id skate backwards at dusk in my head. tell u exactly where the gravel patches are where the#speedbumps & the freshly paved road & the corner where i almost got run over & the names of every street cat & half the neighbors....#i miss our old nice neighbors from brooklyn w the smokers rasp & the yankees flag & the little white dog.#and the fruit trees shifting moonshadows on my walls on summer nights. and our irises. and the fucking cicada killers.#and our dining room that we redid completely & the kitchen i learned to cook in & the way the morning sun would come through the angel wing#by the windows.... throws up and dies. its so fucked dude. never let ur kid only have 1 home for redacted many years n then move itll fuck#you up. and im the only one too bc my siblings grew up all over the place!! nobody gets it !!!! fucked up!!!!#ok complaining over. good night :(#txt
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it hit me what makes me the most miserable abt my work week is how it’s just school all over again. just hanging in there until the weekend. repeat. repeat. repeat
#5 outta 7 days im at work. 2 days of freedom#2 days to do chores n run errands n relax n sleep n draw n catch up w/ friends n go places#and if u gotta reschedule itll be weeks before ur available again#like for months now ive tried to get together w/ friends but our days off dont match n shit keeps coming up#not to mention im fucking tired! im exhausted! i want to sleep in and then draw the rest of the day!#i think the worst part is that back in school.. at least it didnt matter as much? because it all led to an end aka graduation?#like i didnt mind the wait for next weekend as much cuz it was temporary#like eventually ill graduate and then ill have freedom! (i thought? for some reason??)#but now its like.. the weeks are going by so fast this year is already almost over i turn 26 in 2 weeks#and this is.. the rest of my life? like youre kidding right? this cant be it?#i get off work n then i have to take care of the cats n chores n then eat dinner n then shower n then its late and i gotta sleep#before work the next day. i dont have time nor energy to rly do anything#and ill get that feeling of like. oh well at least it brings me closer to the next ‘weekend’#but i dont wanna live weekend to weekend#i mean im thankful to have a job n coworkers i love like i truly hate it there sometimes but i also am happy and thankful for it#but yknow.. it shouldnt have to be like this#i worded this so much better in the shower but im tired of feeling like school part 2 like what the fuck man#ive had work every single day since we came back from our trip n i just dont have time/energy for anything#i need to open commissions back up but i havent even gotten around to starting one a friend asked for#not to mention this years christmas card ive barely got the sketch done for#and again. my favourite holiday. halloween is on tuesday and while we did plan halloweeny stuff it just has not felt like halloween#i havent had any ideas/energy/time for any halloweeny art#+chores n errands etc lmao we havent even been to the grocery store yet (calling us out here)#it just. suuuuucks aaaaaass man the world is so beautiful life is a gift i dont wanna spend it like this
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Apparently my sister, the one I no longer speak to because calling the cops on me and trying to have me charged for sending 4 texts because she didn't like the contents while never calling the cops on the boyfriend that beat her kid is disgusting, asked how I was to someone I haven't even met because they know someone I do then immediately followed that up with "we don't talk." So 1- don't tell everyone and their dog my fucking business it's not their problem and 2, if we don't talk then that should tell you how much I want you to know about how I'm doing- zilch!
#winters ramblings#i dont get her. if you gave a damn about me you wouldnt have lost your mind defending a MAN over your WHOLE FAMILY#despite that man being a disgusting waste of space you werent even with 2 months later!!#and if youre willing to throw your whole family out over some idiot guy eventually YOU didnt even choose#then why woukd i DEBASE myself with your bullshit youve never once apologized for!#because frankly id like ab apology for spending TWELVE YEARS braggibg about how trying to kill me as a newborn was hilarious#and id ALSO like an apology for LOSING SOME OF MY DEAD FATHERS ASHES and that doesnt even GET to the shit#she pulled at Christmas last year. hell thats not even all the apologies she owes to ME let alone her oldest daughter#who i said in thise 4 texts she tried to have me CHARGED about she held to a WAY higher standard of behaviour than any GROWN MAN she fucks#that kid is owed a BILLION apologies and itll still never be enough!! and then she can apologize again to me for being pissed off#that i was right wgen i read her fir fucking fifth and dragged her ass through the mud and sge was only mad BECAUSE i was right#i dint say mean shit for the sake of it like her. if i say mean shit its mean because its true abd i say it because you deserve to hear it#dish cruetly out dint get pissed off wgen it comes back exceot its actually TRUE shit when i say it not nasty made up shit#said just to be hurtful and cruel. which i ALSO told her was unacceptable and that 0 people need to put up with that#shes a griwn adukt who can either take responsibility for herself or fuck off abd since she's NEVER ONCE done option 1#theb option 2 it is. i waited basically all 30 years of my fucking life for her to grow up and she never will so good riddance#dont ask people about me like YOU didnt destroy our relationship over and over and over again
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Europeans who complain abt american candy in an american candy store fuck off
#what am i gonna do abt it im just some girl#this dude comes in looking for truffles and goes right to the box so i assume he knows what he wants but i still explain it to him#and show him a picture of what exactly it will look like and tell him its an assortment of all the truffles we make#hes looking at the best by date thats in like 365 format abd hes like this is confusing why do you do this#and im like oh sorry it makes it easier for us inventory wise and hes like well its harder for me#and im explaining that its best by like peak of freshness that itll still be okay after thata#and he like goes off abd looks at stuff abd im helping someone else out and he goes back to the truffles and is fucking up the display#just took it apart to look at the dates abd i told him theyre all the same theyll be fine through april#and im helping some other lady and he walks to the register and stands there im clearly the only worker here#and i cant tell them like hey line starts here i have to ring up the person im helping at a diff register and say ill be with u soon#then offer a sample as apology that they cant read or stand in lines#and im checking him out and he gets confused when i ask if he would like a sample of candy and hes like i just want truffles#and im like okay yeah i have a sample of one of those its hazelnut is that okay? and hes like no!! just chocolate chocolate i want a truffle#and im like yeah it one and he has like a relaization that he didnt exclsuovely get chocolate truffles#and im like yeah its coffee and chocolate and fruit filling LIKE I SHOWED HIM WHEN I SHOWED HIM THE PICTURE#and i hadnt finished the transaction yet so i was like i can exhnage it and hes like sighing being like no no its FINE i guess#like SORRY MAN BABY im trying to help you#and hes like in eurpoe u get so spoiled u get to eat it right as its made its so nice and not full of preservative#fyi our candy doesnt have preservatives either#and hes like i guess ill have to go w american candy that lasts for years upon years and im like well ours dont do that so#also he walkes directly to the truffle box and said these are truffles right so he had to have lookes this up in some capacity#we've been voted like best in the country its good chocolate#sorry u cant eat it off line
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its so embarassing likee. going to talk abt a feeling you have but you already know ppl will be like Oh that sounds like depression lol and its like. well yes . i know . trust me i am so aware i am depressed . but its still like a thing ive been thinking abt and wanting to talk abt but ik itll just be like Ok hun 👍. idk idk what response i would want tho ig FNFNFNF
#not anything serious i was just thinking how like. idk. this is gonna sound rly stupid#but for me personally like. sometimes. How do i phrase this without sounding rly evil#i think obv ppl can spend their money however they want but like. its kind of hard 4 me to grasp sometimes like. there r things that ppl#spend a lot of money on bc it makes them happy like umm. vacations or pets or hobbies or whathaveyou. and obviously thats fine but#i iust feel like its all so. temporary and like. idk. idt im ohrasing this right at all i just likee. the thought of working all year to#afford to take a vacation and then working again to afford another vacation just makes me feel like i want to die. like. idk... i like#vacations we dont need to go on them a lot but ig its just like. everything we do just feels like a waste of time. not in like a Ohh you#should be doing more work Obviously its just like. idk. maybe it is just me. but i feel like im just waiting until i die and can be done#with it i guess. and everything i do is just to fill time until that happens. yk ? which is silly bc of my whole. Thing i cant talk abt#but ppl talk abt like. going out and partying or going on vacation or whatever and i like. I like those things its nice when they happen#but they dont rly make me longterm any happier i guess. everything just feels like another thing im doing. idk. this rly isnt coming out the#way it is in my head. and Again i know this is just depression shit or whatever im just like. its all exhausting. it just makes me feel so#tired. to think abt working and working and working so i can pay to be alive and i can save to do one fun thing every so often to keep me#sane enough to keep working and working and working and i probably wont ever be able to retire itll just be. work. and then ill die. yk.#but i feel like the vacations and stuff dont like. refresh me very much. maybe its just bc ive only been on one 'vacation' as an adult and#it was just like. coming home to see my family. and realizing id have to move back home yk..#+ like. my mom nd my gran taking me out for a weekend when i lived up there#nd those things were nice and all but once its over its like. it doesnt fuel me to keep going it doesnt make me feel any better abt having#to work for the rest of my life#ik im being ridiculous bc im literally unemployed and i cant even get up off my ass to get my stupid fucking ged so i can get a job and be#Useful to my family its just like. idk.... i try so hard to be like Oh nothing mayters and thats why everything matters type thing like. Yes#all things end and the point is to just try to be happy until it does#but i feel like it just doesnt happen for me. i feel like any happiness i feel is so insanely like. it happens and then its gone. and its#back to just. the knowledge that im still fucking stuck here. and i will be until it happens. yk. i play video games tomoass the time until#i go back to sleep then i wake up and i make a spreadsheet to pass the time until i go back to sleep#and everyday just feels like passing the time until i go back to sleep and itll just keep going until it happens. and its nice to have nice#days but whats like. the point. yk. everything just ends#IDK. this is all very whiny im sry. ive just been feeling it a lot lately . i hope this doesnt feel like me being like Ohhh you ppl r so#dumb participating in hobbies and going out and having fun dont you know yr gonna DIE? thats not what im trying to be like#its just like. i feel like it doesnt make me as happy as it does other ppl like. none of it refreshes me or makes me want to keep going
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#hhhhh 🫠 gotta love when instead of doing literally anything im stuck anxiously vibrating for hours#like if u just did things. things would get done! thats how this works! wtf r u doing???#2 manuscripts that r supposed to be done now and 2 applications left to complete#my mum thinks i should let my boss kno thst my brain is collapsing in on itself and like yea i prob should bc i should apologize for being#all weird and disorganized. my brain feels so weird. like it takes so so much processing power for me to remember wtf i was doing and what#i have to do next but like if i tell her it wont really change anything bc its like i have to meet these deadlines either way#also i have to b careful bc i dont wanna say yea i got horrifically burned out taking measurements but like im sure itll be fine that i#have to go back to taking measurements in January. like no prob. weve only been building up to it all year#and i kno if i say im burned out she'll be like u gotta relax more! i told u to relax so we wouldnt b here!#and then i have to be like no u dont fucking understand that i cant relax. i never relax. my life is a series of tasks and thinking abt#tasks and worrying forever. if u tell me to relax i will agony spiral for hours not relaxing and not being productive 🙃#i just need my brain to allow me to focus long enough to get these fucking manuscripts done#but no my brain is like if u wanna do thing u gotta find the perfect audio but also i cant focus as well with audio but also i cant even#find the right thing to listen to anyway. and my brain is like u need one device playing media and 1 playing music#and like no stop. just fucking focus and stop falling apart#time time time not enough and far too much#its so weird bc i think im pretty level headed and self aware despite how my brain is sometimes. but it keeps doing this thing where#like everything gets so distorted and im like jesus its a good thing otherwise pretty grounded#blah tomorrow well see whst comes outta my mouth when i tslk to my boss#ugh im so tired whyyyyyyyyy#i cant even make proper time to draw#unrelated
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my dad just told me that my brother SIL and nephew are planning to come down to [my city] on my nephews bday bc they want to get a picture with 5 generations bc currently we have 5 gens (minus my nephew) in this city. which means that i’d get to meet my nephew and also see my brother for the first time in like 6 years. which would be amazing. it does mean however that i have to stay living here until august which is. balls. but i think it’s absolutely worth it to be able to meet my nephew and see my brother and SIL again :3 i miss them so much
#bc when i have the right kinda money to be able to move i wanna get tf out of this city#its too close to where * lives and ik she comes into [city] for shopping sometimes amd it gives me constant anxiety that im gonna happen to#bump into her at some poiny#plus i’ve always wanted to move more northern anyways so i’m gonna try that as long as i can afford it#it’s likely i might even move provinces too for affordability and peace of mind LOL#i’d like to go back around batchawana but areas around there are rlly expensive#but ig i dont rlly have to figure it out as soon as i was hoping to cause im gonna be staying for at least another half year#im sooooo excited to meet my nephew tho hes adorable#itll be worth it for sure#jitter bugs u
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Alastor and married reader but instead of the whole other thing, he kills her husband and is the shoulder for her to cry on (cliche, I know) not wanting her to hate him. And you know- smut somewhere along the way
The happiest day of your life was your wedding day.
The thought of living your days in matrimonial bliss with the man of your dreams had always been your future plans.
Until it wasn’t….
Your dreams of waking up beside your soulmate, having a big family, and living out your days in love were all crushed the day you were told to come to the coroner.
To identify your husband.
You stared at the casket as the pastor read the sermon and it was lowered into the dirt.
You felt nothing.
Numb.
The heavens must of felt your sadness as there was an endless pour.
Many family members and friends gave their condolences but you didn’t even acknowledge them.
How?
Why?
what had your husband done so terribly that someone would…
The cold of the rain disappeared as a hand grasped your shoulder, pulling your soaked body into theirs “You’ll catch a chill standing like that dear”
Alastor.
He held an umbrella over the two of you as you watch the diggers throw dirt onto the coffin.
You felt hot tears swell in your eyes and your body shook as sobs ran through you. You turned to Alastor, eyes glassy and lip wobbling and you sniffed
“I-I just…why? This-this…it wasnt suppose to be like this” you sobbed as Alastor gathered you in his arms and ran a soothing hand on your back.
He patted your back, letting you cry in his shoulder as he hummed “there there dear, itll be all right. Cry it out doll”
You curled into him as he held you, a hand rubbing your shoulder and back in comfort, whispering gentle words to try and ease your pain.
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You and Alastor grew up together.
He was practically your best friend.
Hes seen you at your happiest and now at your saddest.
He was always your confidant and rock….until you met your husband.
You stopped coming down to the radio station.
You wanted to include him in on outings.
You wanted the two important men in your life to get along…
To share
Alastor would be damned if he gave you up.
But for you, he bared it.
He watched you marry the man you loved.
And he might could have lived happy knowing you were happy, but there was something inside him that just wouldnt go away about you withdrawing your affections from him and redirect them to another man.
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You sighed as you looked around the house. Your husband had just bought it and it was suppose to be a surprise after your wedding.
But now it just served as a reminder of what will never be.
“You should stay cher, the house is in your name” Alastor chirped, roaming around.
“I just dont feel right being here when…its just no longer what I thought it would be” you say glaring at a wedding portrait. Alastor smirked, rounding from the kitchen, wrapping his arms around you “Then redecorate! Add a bit of color. Make use of this lovely home”
You thought about it, you would hate to resell it. You didnt want to go back home to live with your parents.
You sighed again.
“Then stay here with me…at least until” Alastor smiled, a soft chuckle escaping his lips.
“You think i was gonna leave? Oh darling im hurt you even thought of me like that”
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Alastor sat on top the man as he smiled cruelly down at him.
“She was never meant to be your wife.” he squeezed the man’s neck seething.
“Years. I spent years courting her. She might be a bit slow, but all I needed was a nudge. And then here you come. Bright and opinionated, always the knight in shining armor” The man gasped as Alastor’s grip tightened.
“Shes like a Doe, Shes cautious at first, feed her and be kind and shell come to you willingly. But I am the Hunter. I have calculated where and how my Doe reacts. I didnt need you messing up my plans.” the man stuttered in a choke
“Rest assure old chum, she makes a good wife” Alastor growled.
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You felt bad that Alastor spent most of his time over. You had tried to encourage and reassure him that you felt better and that he should go home, but the man was stubborn and knew you well enough to decline.
”Al people will start to talk if you’re constantly here. I’m a widow now, you’ll be the talk of town if you linger.”
Alastor shrugged “when have i ever cared about what others think and besides…when have you known me to just let you wallow in sorrow.”
Never. Alastor always found a way to make you smile even when you were sad.
You admit that you have enjoyed having Alastor around these last few weeks.
Hes helped you decorate the house, find joy again in life, and even staying with you.
You didn’t want to admit it, but what affections you already had for the man, had seemed to grow. You put it off as just a way that you were trying to cope from the loss of your husband.
But that wasn’t the case….
Because before your husband….it was Alastor.
But you had just chalked it up to silly childhood emotions.
——————————————————————————————-
The rain poured as the wind and thunder whipped around outside.
You and Alastor were cuddled on the couch looking through old photos.
You giggled as you flipped through the pages, reminiscing about your youth.
”lord what were we thinking….our mamas had a fit” you laughed shaking your head, Alastor chuckled “I think your mud pies improved”
You snort “Its the only thing I can actually cook”
The fire crackled as the storm raged outside and you leaned your head against his shoulder.
”you know…I can’t thank you enough.” You whispered, causing the man to flick his eyes to you curious
”For what my dear?”
You fiddle with the crochet blanket, burying your face in the crook of his neck, groaning in embarrassment “for always being there for me. I don’t know what I would have done if you weren’t there at the funeral…You’re really my saving grace Al”
Alastor’s lips curled into a smile, nuzzling into your hair, a deep rumble rakes his chest as lanky arms bound around you.
”Oh ma cherie don’t say such things. We’ve known each other for years if anything you’re my saving grace.”
You pulled back a bit to give him a funny look, to make a snarky remark but the way Alastor was looking at you made your throat closeup.
Such affection and adoration in those deep eyes.
Your heart was pounding in your chest.
You ducked your head “Yourejust saying that” you mumbled.
Soft lips grazed your forehead. “I would never lie to you dear”
Maybe it was because it was a storm outside and you were cozy up by the fire
Maybe it was Alastor spending most of his time here.
Maybe it was his consideration for you, the flowers he got you , his cooking (that was AMAZING), the times he sang to you or danced to whatever the radio played.
Whatever it was, you didn’t realized that he had leaned towards you until you felt his lips brush yours.
Your brain was telling you that you should stop this.
This was your friend.
Your husband just died.
Your shouldn’t.
You closed your eyes and pressed your lips to his, angling your head to slot your lips together.
The kiss was slow, steady, soft…almost like he was testing the waters, unsure of how you would react.
You nipped at his lips and a surprised gasp left you as he pulled you into his lap, deepening the kiss.
That small noise must have possessed something in the man as the once gentle kiss turn to something carnal.
Your arms were loops around his neck and your finger s were buried in his hair as he attempted to devour you.
His lips left your lips to trail to your neck, littering it in bites and suckling.
A soft moan escaped your throat “A-Al”
He pulled back, eyes blown and low.
”Tell Me you don’t want this and ill stop”
He peppered soft kisses along the column of your neck
”Tell me you don’t want me as much as I want you and ill pretend this didn’t happened”
is that what you wanted?
Your heart was pounding.
You cupped his face and gave him a soft smile, before pressing a soft kiss to his nose
”We shouldn’t…”
His hands slipped under your shirt, fingers dancing on your skin
”yea”
You twirled his hair
”But don’t please don’t stop”
That was all he needed to hear….
—————————————————————————————
Your shadows danced across the walls, the fire casting a glow on your bodies as you rode his cock.
”F-fuck!”you whined as pleasure ripped through your body.
Alastor’s hands were gripping your ass as you bounced on top of him.
He swirled his tongue around a perk nipple, groaning as your gummy walls gripped him.
”you feel so good” he mumbled, teething the mound, causing you to moan.
You threw your head back, a rugged gasp leaving you.
Alastor loved the noises you made, pushing his hips up to meet yours as if to carve his cock into your cunt.
”such a pretty sight you are my dear, if only I could engrave you into my memory”
Your thighs were burning as you chased your release
”I’m-oh! Fuck fuck Al!”
He slipped a hand between you, thumb circling your swollen clit
”You gonna cum? Cmon baby cum on my cock, let me paint those pretty walls of yours white”
You whined and with a silent cry, you cummed, body shaking as you creamed around him.
Hot sparks ran through you as he toyed your clit, riding out your orgasm as you grind your hips against him.
With a sigh, you slumped against him panting as he planted his feet to pound into you until he came with a choked grunt, cock twitching as he filled you with his cum.
You pressed kisses along his clamming skin, humming as you came down from your high.
Thee two of you sat there, breathless, until Alastor intertwined one of your hands and brought it to his lips.
”Is it a bad time to propose?”
You laughed
#hazbin hotel#hazbin alastor#alastor#hazbin hotel fanfiction#jyoongim#alastor x reader#alastor x y/n#alastor hazbin hotel#alastor the radio demon#alastor smut
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I literally dont know how to continue explaining to people that part of the reason Goku decided to stay dead was because Gohan hated fighting.
He didnt know this until cell. He literally had no idea. Gohan NEVER gave any indication whatsoever. Couple that with the fact Bulma pointed out most of people threatening the Earth during that point in time were all people wanting Goku. The saiyans. Frieza. The androids. Doctor Gero. Cell.
All because of Goku. Its not his fault but his very existence consistently put the Earth in danger. He truly believed Earth would be safer without him and therefore, gohan wouldnt be consistently placed into battle.
Because Goku didnt know gohan hated fighting. But once he knew came the very interwoven nature of these threats he brought making his own son fight because gohan felt he HAD to. Not because he wanted to. For goku, protecting the earth always aligned with his own love for fighting. But gohan fought out of necessity, out of the very idea that they couldnt afford to do it without him. He has this power he didnt ask for so he must use it right? Because it would be selfish if he didnt.
But goku... goku thought gohan was like him. Gohan WANTED to return to help fight vegeta. He WANTED to go to namek. He WANTED to stay and fight after piccolo almost died to frieza. Goku didnt see gohan train that first year. Didnt witness what it took to make gohan a fighter. All he saw was his son who now was strong and wanted to join the fight like his dad. And he knows gohan is more powerful than them, knows he can stop cell, FELT IT. Gohan has to defeat cell because no one else can. So he thinks if gohan gets angry enough fighting cell, itll be the answer. Because thats how its always been for goku. And in thirty seconds piccolo makes him realize he's wrong. He doesnt argue back, he listens and concedes and realizes that piccolo is right. And suddenly goku wants to abandon his plan and stop the fight. He made a mistake. He intends to get gohan out. And in the end, he still ended up being right, but it doesnt change what goku now knows. Gohan isnt like him and he doesnt enjoy fighting.
Goku would have NEVER made gohan fight if he thought he didnt want to. You know this whenever adult gohan gets involved in a fight and goku apologizes that he had to. Or when someone suggests gohan for a battle and goku is like nah he's "out of practice," even when they have time FOR PRACTICE. He never wants to force gohan into a situation like cell again. Because cell was a mistake and goku has learned from it. So he never asks Gohan to fight anymore. If Gohan wants in then of course he's in. But he wants his son to be able to choose that. He wants gohan to be HAPPY and if thats not fighting then thats perfectly alright with goku.
So it wasnt just about keeping the earth safe. Or his friends. It was knowing that in the safety of gokus absence, gohan wouldnt have to fight either. There would be less threats, less chances of his son being forced into battle. And sure he also trusted that gohan and the others could keep the earth safe if they had to, but he was banking on the threat level significantly decreasing instead.
And decrease it did. They had seven whole years of peace. Not a single threat. Meanwhile from the moment Raditz shows up to gokus death to cell, it all takes place within the span of FIVE YEARS. The longest they went without a threat was the three year gap spent training for the androids. And they spent every waking moment knowing they were coming.
And then if you look at trunks future... majority of the human population being wiped out by the androids. Majority of gokus friends. His son. All dead. Because of him. Because he defeated the red ribbon army when he was a child. And that very easily could have been their future as well. So Goku does his job in preventing that. He saves all of them. And if hes the only one who ends up dead, well... it doesnt matter. Because they aren't. And he intends to keep it that way. So he stays in otherworld, to keep them safe and to give his son a future that he can choose. If Gohan has to fight, then he can. But at least his father wouldnt be the one bringing the threats to his door.
#goku has depth#and im tired of arguing this point#LOOK DEEPER FOR TWO SECONDS PLEASE#Gokus reaction to finding out gohan doesnt like to fight#his sacrifice#and his decision after#im tired of people acting all the time like goku would have wanted to remain dead and therefore never see his wife or son or friends again#hes content in the knowledge that this is the best decision FOR THEM#he makes that decision#for them#not for himself#goku#dragon ball#son goku#goku is a good dad#dragon ball z#dragon ball z kai#gohan#son gohan#goku and gohan#dragon ball rant#my rant#dragon ball super#dbz#dbs#cell saga#android saga#saiyan saga#frieza saga#kakarot
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i think i find comfort in vashwood because of their unwillingness to say outloud how they care and love for one another. like CANONLY, theres so, so much they dont say, yet their actions reflect everything.
i’m pretty sure i’ve spoke on this before but i like to think that they never say more than they need to because of the world they live in, the type of people they are, the type of upbringings theyve had. it all stems back to them not really feeling worthy of the love they are offered.
wolfwood who only thinks of himself as some fucked up modified killing machine and that he believes theres no chance someone as kind hearted as vash would see the good in him, or what little there is left of the good in him. he’s done nothing but kill, he could never redeem himself, and yet vash isn’t scared nor shuns him for it even with his pacifistic ideals.
vash who has seen the brutal truth of wolfwood’s being and still decides he loves him to the very end.
vash who doesnt believe he deserves any ounce of love or commitment because he only hurts those he gets close to. it’s happened before and itll happen again, like hes a walking time bomb and everything will blow up again and the people close to him will die no matter what he does. and wolfwood who canonly sticks beside him until the end! literally calls himself his guide.
vash who has never had true companionship in his 150 years of living, and wolfwood who follows him to the ends of gunsmoke.
just up until vol10, theyre still toeing the line of the relationship theyve created. but the exact moment vash shows up and chooses to prioritize wolfwood over going after knives (the fucking thing he’s been working towards since the big fall, over a hundred years ago) is the moment he steps past that line. its so extremely open and explicit, even wolfwood asks him ‘why are you here?”
while what he says here is true yes, it also sounds like “you cannot die, i’m here to ‘save’ you because i want to live.”
then to this when wolfwood knows and accepts he will die— the sheer HORROR on vash’s face when he realizes wolfwood wont allow him to save him.
few pages ahead, vash’s monologue starts and these old panels come up. “deep down, he had become very close to me.” basically implying that back then, during the ‘shoot’ moment, they weren’t really close. and when vash accused him: “you’re the coward here.”, “you give up all hope so easily”, it was almost surface level in a way? talking to him at surface level
but now, so many chapters later when wolfwood really does give up hope, vash, with all of his developed love through out the story realizes how differently he feels now. wolfwood made him put a fucking gun to his head (giving up hope), and vash who only scolded and accused him, vs vol10 where when wolfwood gives up hope, vash feels straight terror, that he’s really going to lose him. (also the inverted panel is just so gorgeous.)
the whole “isnt that right, wolfwood?” just proves my entire point that vash’s presence here in this fight steps over the line of vulnerability they had created. he knows how he feels, and he knows that wolfwood feels the same, even if hes speaking to him indirectly.
#im just rambling#okay#i dont know where i was going. w it#no fics u only get vashwood rambles sodrry#vashwood#vashwood angst#trigun maximum#trigun maximum wolfwood#trigun maximum vash#vash the stampede#nicholas d. wolfwood#vash angst#wolfwood angst#h4venpha
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