#but it's like super unhealthy so I don't mind having it as just an occasional treat

[dksw0rld]

How I Achieved Glass Skin Without Trying

Yes, you read that right. I achieved glass skin literally without trying at all. With glass skin being pretty much the last thing on my mind actually. Partly because I was never insecure about my skin as I really didn't have any acne issues. I had smaller bumps on my forehead and a little bit on the other parts of my face but no big breakouts or chronic issues. Also partly because I was so focused on something else...want to learn how you can also achieve clear skin without actually trying to achieve clear skin? Keep reading for all the deets.

Okay, so, as I mentioned above - clear skin was not my focus. It was genuinely the last thing on my mind. My focus was on something better. My focus was (and is) on my overall health. Women nowadays are so focused on 10 step skincare routines to achieve clear skin and retain youthfulness. This is not me putting anyone down, if a 10 step skincare routine makes you happy than by all means continue on! I'm merely pointing out that women don't need to do all of that to heal their skin. The key word in that last sentence is heal. But enough of me talking, here's what I did to completely clear my skin by focusing on my overall health. **Everything I name below are things I still do.

Diet

I focused on consuming nourishing foods

I have veggies and / or fruit at every meal. No exception. I don't go a day without consuming them. I focus on foods that nourish my body from the inside out. I don't eat processed anything. I consume other types of carbs, not just bread or pasta.

2. I began to drink coconut water and pure pineapple juice first thing in the morning

I drink 8 - 10oz of coconut water mixed with pineapple juice every morning. I've seen a big difference with my hydration levels throughout the day.

3. I severely limited fizzy drinks

There's a specific brand of sparkling water I love (it's called Clear American) and I used to drink it regularly. There's nothing super unhealthy about this brand but it's still carbonated. When I began to limit drinking sparkling water, I noticed a difference in my body and skin. I also very rarely drink soda, and if I do it's always Ginger Ale. I mainly drink water with lemon, organic lemonade and hot tea.

4. I limit bread to one meal a day

I always eat a type of carb during breakfast as they give me the energy I need to go through the day. *Side note* carbs are not bad for you. Your body needs them! Processed carbs are what should be avoided. Anyways, I only eat bread one time a day and then I'll eat other types of carbs throughout the day. The bread I eat is always the least amount of processed possible. I only eat sourdough or whole grain bread. I like going to famers markets to purchase my bread. If I don't eat bread for breakfast then I'll potentially eat a slice or two at lunch but I avoid eating bread for dinner. I like to consume things my body can more easily break down at dinner.

5. I cut out alcohol

I never drank a whole lot. I've always been a 'glass of wine while hanging with my best friend' type of woman, but if I was out on the town I would drink cocktails. I cut mixed drinks out completely. If I go out I'll order a pineapple juice or ginger beer (which despite its name, is nonalcoholic). I will very occasionally have a glass of wine but that's about it.

6. I limited my caffeine intake

I have a cup of coffee with creamer and sugar in the morning and that's it for coffee. If I'm slowing down in the middle of the day I drink water first and make sure to get up and take a walk around my office to get my blood flowing. If I'm still dragging after a full cup of water and 30 minutes, I'll drink a chai, other caffeinated tea or a matcha.

Lifestyle

1. I shortened my skin care routine to 2-3 steps

Your skin does not need a lot. It needs to be taken care of from the inside out way more than it needs products on it. In the morning I do a serum, very very light exfoliation and a moisturizing hyaluronic acid lotion. At night I cleanse, put on eye cream and use the same lotion. Once or twice a week I'll do a face mask. That's it! When I switched to this simple routine and focused on my overall health, my skin began to thrive.

2. I began to walk more

I sustained an injury so I wasn't able to walk as much as I was before. Once my injury healed and I was able to walk again (in the midst of all the other changes I was making), I noticed a difference in my energy level and changes in my body. Walking is so great for you, including great for your skin!

3. I began to sleep with a satin pillowcase every night

I ditched the regular pillowcase and switched to a satin one. I did this switch for my hair, not my skin but I've noticed it's helped with my skin a lot as well.

That's it! Once I made these simple changes and was consistent with them, I began to notice how much more amazing I felt. Then one day I looked up and my skin was completely clear. Not a small bump in sight. You don't need to buy all these acne products off of Amazon to get rid of your problem areas. Focus on nourishing and healing your body from the inside out. That's the secret.

[thefisherqueen]

All right, reading The Bruce-Partington Plans this evening! Two more stories after this and I've caught up with Letters from Watson :)

In the third week of November, in the year 1895, a dense yellow fog settled down upon London. From the Monday to the Thursday I doubt whether it was ever possible from our windows in Baker Street to see the loom of the opposite houses. It blows my mind how normal this kind of heavy, extremely unhealthy smog was in this time. Makes me wonder what in another 100 years people will have going like "You lived like that?!" (I hope it's parking lots and highways and office buildings)

But when, for the fourth time, after pushing back our chairs from breakfast we saw the greasy, heavy brown swirl still drifting past us and condensing in oily drops upon the window-panes, my comrade's impatient and active nature could endure this drab existence no longer. He paced restlessly about our sitting-room in a fever of suppressed energy, biting his nails, tapping the furniture, and chafing against inaction. Bored Sherlock Holmes, oddly cute

“Look out this window, Watson. See how the figures loom up, are dimly seen, and then blend once more into the cloud-bank. The thief or the murderer could roam London on such a day as the tiger does the jungle, unseen until he pounces, and then evident only to his victim.” Oh my, Doyle was really in his tiger fangirl fase when writing these last few stories

Well, well! What next?” said he. “Brother Mycroft is coming round.” “Why not?” I asked. “Why not? It is as if you met a tram-car coming down a country lane. Mycroft has his rails and he runs on them. We'll get to meet Mycroft again! :) Also, quite a funny image, Mycroft running on rails

You told me that he had some small office under the British government.” Holmes chuckled. “I did not know you quite so well in those days. One has to be discreet when one talks of high matters of state. You are right in thinking that he under the British government. You would also be right in a sense if you said that occasionally he is the British government.” And this was me thinking that the BBC series had sucked Mycroft being this whole goverment mastermind out of their thumb. So that's canon?:O

“Well, his position is unique. He has made it for himself. Nice parallel between the brothers here!

“There has been an inquest,” said I, “and a good many fresh facts have come out. Looked at more closely, I should certainly say that it was a curious case.” “Judging by its effect upon my brother, I should think it must be a most extraordinary one.” He snuggled down in his armchair. “Now, Watson, let us have the facts.” I just love this interaction. Holmes being all excited and trusting Watson to tell the important things to him :)

So the case is about a dead clerk that was found - murdered, in all likelihood - carrying some seriously important papers. Which he himself had stolen. And some of which were again stolen of him. Intriguing.

I'm hoping for some fun investigations in tunnels and along train tracks (I hope our men are careful)

If the papers were guarded with the same 'super secure' protective measures as the secret papers we've seen so far, they couldn't have been hard to steal

The actual official guardian of the papers is the famous government expert, Sir James Walter, whose decorations and sub-titles fill two lines of a book of reference. He has grown gray in the service, is a gentleman, a favoured guest in the most exalted houses, and, above all, a man whose patriotism is beyond suspicion. I already don't trust him. At least it's not a colonel?

“Has the fact been verified?” “Yes; his brother, Colonel Valentine Walter, has testified to his departure from Woolwich, and Admiral Sinclair to his arrival in London; so Sir James is no longer a direct factor in the problem.” But his brother is! Very suspicious

“Well, well!” said Holmes, shrugging his shoulders. “Come, Watson! And you, Lestrade, could you favour us with your company for an hour or two? Off they go!

It was one of my friend's most obvious weaknesses that he was impatient with less alert intelligences than his own. Savage, Watson

Watson, we have done all we can here. We need not trouble you any further, Mr. Lestrade. I think our investigations must now carry us to Woolwich.” No don't leave the creepy tunnels and train tracks yet :( I want more adventure

No theories yet. I can't figure out what Holmes means by points and curves and not wanting to investigate the train's carriages

“That should be helpful, Watson,” he remarked as we took our seats in the Woolwich train. “We certainly owe Brother Mycroft a debt for having introduced us to what promises to be a really very remarkable case.” It's 'we' and 'us'. They are so Together

“The end is dark to me also, but I have hold of one idea which may lead us far. The man met his death elsewhere, and his body was on the roof of a carriage.” That explains a lot: why there was a loud thud, why the clerk hadn't a ticket, and also why there was no blood on or near the tracks

The house of the famous official was a fine villa with green lawns stretching down to the Thames. As we reached it the fog was lifting, and a thin, watery sunshine was breaking through. A butler answered our ring. “Sir James, sir!” said he with solemn face. “Sir James died this morning.” Oh! There's a second murder victim?

“It was this horrible scandal,” said he. “My brother, Sir James, was a man of very sensitive honour, and he could not survive such an affair. It broke his heart." Ah, of course, no murder but the mysterious victorian Death by Sadness disease. If he really is dead. Btw, I don't trust the brother

I have a theory: mr. colonel learns of the top secret papers because likely his scientist brother can't keep his mouth shut, either convices his brother to take the papers home, or he steals his key and takes them himself. Anyway, Cadogan West catches them being all suspicious and impulsively (he was hot-headed) follows them to try to stop them. Which doesn't end well, he knows too much so he's murdered, and they place 7 of the papers upon his body so he can take the blame. Of course the brothers cover for each other

Arthur was the most single-minded, chivalrous, patriotic man upon earth. He would have cut his right hand off before he would sell a State secret confided to his keeping. It is absurd, impossible, preposterous to anyone who knew him.” Always trust the opinion of his fiancee. This young clerk was innocent

My friend's face grew graver still. “Anything else?” “He said that we were slack about such matters—that it would be easy for a traitor to get the plans.” Poor security. Why am I not surprised

“We were to go to the theatre. The fog was so thick that a cab was useless. We walked, and our way took us close to the office. Suddenly he darted away into the fog.” “Without a word?” “He gave an exclamation; that was all. Clearly no planned theft then.

“I'm afraid,” said Holmes, smiling, “that all the queen's horses and all the queen's men cannot avail in this matter.” He had spread out his big map of London and leaned eagerly over it. Holmes is a map nerd! Same, Holmes, same. Now the question: what clue did he find from the map?

All the long November evening I waited, filled with impatience for his return. At last, shortly after nine o'clock, there arrived a messenger with a note: Am dining at Goldini's Restaurant, Gloucester Road, Kensington. Please come at once and join me there. Bring with you a jemmy, a dark lantern, a chisel, and a revolver. Danger date! Love it. No clue what a dark lantern is

Try one of the proprietor's cigars. They are less poisonous than one would expect. That is not reassuring at all, Holmes

When I found that the leading international agent, who had just left London, lived in a row of houses which abutted upon the Underground, I was so pleased that you were a little astonished at my sudden frivolity.” So the colonel was innocent this time? Or did he still steal the papers, and then sell them to this agent?

We must bear in mind that Oberstein has gone to the Continent to dispose of his booty, but not with any idea of flight; for he had no reason to fear a warrant, and the idea of an amateur domiciliary visit would certainly never occur to him. Yet that is precisely what we are about to make.” “Could we not get a warrant and legalize it?” “Hardly on the evidence.” They are going to break in! Exciting!

He sprang up and shook me by the hand. “I knew you would not shrink at the last,” said he, and for a moment I saw something in his eyes which was nearer to tenderness than I had ever seen. The next instant he was his masterful, practical self once more. Awww :) Be gay, do crime, boys!

“A fairly complete record, Watson! If we could only get at the man at the other end!” He sat lost in thought, tapping his fingers on the table. Finally he sprang to his feet. Colonel! I haven't given up on my theory yet

I think we might drive round to the offices of the Daily Telegraph, and so bring a good day's work to a conclusion.” I guess that Holmes wants to lure the other accomplice out by placing a new message

But some of these days you'll go too far, and you'll find yourself and your friend in trouble.” “For England, home and beauty—eh, Watson? Holmes you flirt

“By George!” cried Lestrade. “If he answers that we've got him!” “That was my idea when I put it in. I think if you could both make it convenient to come with us about eight o'clock to Caulfield Gardens we might possibly get a little nearer to a solution.” We're nearing the conclusion :)

One of the most remarkable characteristics of Sherlock Holmes was his power of throwing his brain out of action and switching all his thoughts on to lighter things whenever he had convinced himself that he could no longer work to advantage. I remember that during the whole of that memorable day he lost himself in a monograph which he had undertaken upon the Polyphonic Motets of Lassus. For my own part I had none of this power of detachment, and the day, in consequence, appeared to be interminable. The great national importance of the issue, the suspense in high quarters, the direct nature of the experiment which we were trying—all combined to work upon my nerve. It was a relief to me when at last, after a light dinner, we set out upon our expedition. This is a wonderful bit of insight into their characters. Watson is anxiety-inclined. Holmes is able to switch that off to a perhaphs unsafe level - anxiety helps keeps you alive, after all, not good to not have it at all.

The man glared round him, staggered, and fell senseless upon the floor. With the shock, his broad-brimmed hat flew from his head, his cravat slipped sown from his lips, and there were the long light beard and the soft, handsome delicate features of Colonel Valentine Walter. The colonel again. I fucking knew it. Careful, Watson, if you can find more words for his beauty you might faint yourself

I did not murder him! I'm innocent! I only did nothing to prevent it and then did not call for help and then helped get rid of the body!

Some weeks afterwards I learned incidentally that my friend spent a day at Windsor, whence be returned with a remarkably fine emerald tie-pin. When I asked him if he had bought it, he answered that it was a present from a certain gracious lady in whose interests he had once been fortunate enough to carry out a small commission. Cadogan West's fiancee gave Holmes a present? That is so sweet

Another fun read. I couldn't care too much about the fate of those papers, but it was a good case. The yellow smog and trains and tunnels added a lot of atmosphere. And Holmes and Watson interacted very cute in this story

[magicshopaholic]

A Guide to the OCs of the Idolverse (with faceclaims)

This guide to the OCs consists of my personal faceclaims for them. These are not accurate, in that no living person on Earth (that I know of) can replicate the exact images of them I have in mind, but these ladies are pretty close. You can also refer to this post for a more detailed description of their appearance.

If you have different images of them in mind and don't want to ruin those, you can check out the guide without faceclaims. Feel free to picture them as you like - and I'd love to hear your versions as well :)

(I'm also shit at graphic design of any kind so please excuse the super amateur-ish edits; they were just fun to do)

Kaya Madaan is South Asian-American and grew up in the suburbs of Connecticut with her parents. An only child, she lost her father in a car accident when she was in high school and her mother has since never remarried. During her senior year at NYU, a few months before graduation, she was assaulted on campus, an experience she doesn’t talk about but has shaped many future decisions in her life. After completing her masters in London, she moved to Amsterdam to do her Ph.D. during which time she met Namjoon in Seoul while visiting her Korean aunt (her father’s adopted sister) and her family.

She lives by herself in a studio apartment, content with her independence and solitude. Her close friends largely include select people from college and university, and later Taehyung’s on/off girlfriend, Dilara, as well. She tends to be a bit of a workaholic and in the process becomes a bit scatterbrained and ends up being absent-minded about other things. Being the one of the youngest doctoral students in her program, she’s very conscious of coming across as mature and capable. She takes a lot of pride in her intelligence and is not shy about disagreeing with opinions.

(Naomi Scott as Kaya)

Nari grew up in Anyang, Gyeonggi province, as an only child. Sometime in early middle school, she and Seokjin met in the same class and formed a life-long friendship. Her dream as a child was to always become a doctor, though her focus on surgery developed years later when she dated a classmate whose older sister was studying to be a surgeon. She currently works in Seoul as a surgical resident and lives alone in an apartment a block away from the hospital.

While Nari is secure in her skills and her career path, she finds it difficult to devote an equal amount of time to her personal life which sometimes leads to insecurities, especially when she sees her old classmates and other people her age move on with their lives. She also tends to forget to take care of herself when she’s caught up in the chaos of her job, leading to missed meals and an occasionally unhealthy diet of food and alcohol.

(Im Jinah as Nari)

An only child of a business tycoon father and an ex-model mother, Miso grew up in the Gangnam district of Seoul, in the Cheongdam-dong neighbourhood alongside equally wealthy and affluent peers. Her family keeps appearances and status above all else and as a result, Miso attended school with children of her parents’ colleagues and neighbours, most of whom grew up to be heirs and heiresses to businesses and fortunes.

Miso left Seoul for university in Australia, where she spent four years getting her degree in business management and two additional years working various jobs, including bartending and music managing a pub, before she was forced to return to Seoul. She current works as an assistant music producer at Big Hit, where she keeps her parentage and connections quiet.

Miso does not enjoy or show interest in going down the same road as her peers, much to her parents’ disappointment. She makes an effort to distance herself from them as well as her parents’ unhappy marriage, and has since high school earned the reputation of being “unfriendly”, which has continued into adulthood as well.

(Park Sodam as Miso)

Chaeyoung grew up alongside her older brother, Chanyeol, in Gwangju. She lost her mother at a very young age; three years later, her father married Soyeon, whose attempts at building a relationship have been resisted by Chaeyoung. As a result, she spent a lot of her time growing up with her friends and classmates, including her brother and his best friend, Hoseok. While Chaeyoung and Chanyeol were always close as children, they naturally grew apart as they became older.

Chaeyoung currently works at a publishing house as a junior researcher, a job she Ioves. She’s outgoing and charming and enjoys meeting new clients and talent, even if she sometimes feels inadequate and anxious about her performance. Due to her young age and surrounded by so many people older than her, she can tend to be a bit impressionable and prone to be taken advantage of. She lives with a senior from college, Sungmi, who has a questionable social circle but later becomes friends with Sooah, whom she meets at yoga class and looks up to as an independent, single working woman in Seoul.

(Danielle Marsh as Chaeyoung)

Sooah grew up in Busan and later moved to Seoul, the only child of two doctors. She realised as a teenager that her parents' marriage was an unhappy one and sometime during her early teens, discovered that both were having quiet affairs with other people. As a means of escaping her home, she threw herself into extra-curricular activities and her friends circle, choosing to be around people as much as she could. Captain of the girls' volleyball team, Sooah was a popular girl in high school, had a large group of friends and a string of short flings that extended into college and her adult life, the only exception to this being Park Jimin. She currently lives in Seoul and works at an event management firm.

Sooah is confident and outgoing and still maintains an eventful social life, staying in touch with friends from school and college that are now acquaintances. She still harbours insecurities, however, aware of her lack of deep friendships and the reputation she had when it came to dating. She eventually forges a friendship with Chaeyoung, who she secretly admires for being far more put together in her early twenties than she herself ever was.

(Nam Jihyun as Sooah)

Dilara was born in her mother's native country and spent her first few years there before leaving for the UK, due to the stigma she and her mother faced for being and having a child out of wedlock respectively. Her mother met Rudy Komyshan in London when Dilara was in her early teens, and Dilara officially took his surname when she turned fifteen. At a young age, she discovered a love for both dance and racing but eventually chose the latter as her career path. Being in a heavily male-dominated environment, Dilara at times had to prove her worth by going over and above what was expected of her and seeming outwardly tougher to blend in with her peers.

She is the first female F1 driver in the history of the sport and is currently signed with Red Bull, alongside Dutch prodigy Max Verstappen. She sometimes faces unwarranted sexism from journalists and fans of the sport that she is learning to deal with, and copes with the help and support of her friends Lexie (also her trainer), Chris and Fred. Having travelled the world and working closely with people of various nationalities, she has a deep appreciation and interest in different cultures. Dilara is competitive by nature and a bit of a perfectionist, staying for hours on the simulator to perfect every move. She's also a bit of a gym rat, finding it therapeutic to work out alone or with a friend.

(Ananya Panday as Dilara)

Lia grew up in Incheon with her parents and a younger brother. When she was in high school, her parents went through a peaceful and amicable divorce. They were open about the process with their children and didn't hide anything from them, something Lia is forever grateful to them for and since holds communication in the highest regard. Lia was a studious teenager, involved in extra-curriculars and student council activities, as well as a part of the girls' basketball team. She did not give much thought to dating in high school, despite catching the attention of many fellow students. She attended college in Seoul and started working there after graduation, sharing an apartment with her long-time best friend, Dal.

Despite the demands of a corporate career, including the workload and the politics, Lia enjoys her job and is a fast learner. She is able to stay very focused and, like Kaya, doesn't realise her tendency to become a workaholic. She does struggle with stress, especially with the fast-paced environment she works in. This sometimes extends to her personal life as well, despite her efforts to become more laidback.

(Han Sohee as Lia)

~

[purplesurveys]

1777

Do you feel bored with your life? Yes honestly a little bit. I feel like all I do is complain about work and be anxious about work, that I'm making a complete waste of my life. 2023 definitely feels like a not-well-spent year lol, but I know it's also my quarter-life crisis calling. I promise I have plans on leaving, but since I was titled with the new position already I might as well make the most of it and achieve 1 or 2 big things that I could put on my resumé.

Who’s someone you miss that you haven’t talked to in years? Katreen. We were very close...then after college, nothing. What's weird is that she'll always be the first one to follow me on whatever social media, but occasionally I'll reply/react to her posts and she just never replies. Our threads are all one-sided, lmao. I know she's an introvert so I give it a pass but it sometimes also already comes off as does she hate me?? Why'd you even follow me if you'll never talk to me or reply to my messages? lol.

Do you miss anyone who was mean to you in the past? Why should I?

How do you feel right now? I feel like I'm on cloud nine, lol. I have a box of palm-sized chocolate chip cookies, I'm alive to bask in the return of CM Punk in WWE, there's only 199 days before Jin comes back, I have no work tomorrow, and I'm seeing my friends for an exhibit viewing + dinner.

Work hasn't changed and several deadlines are actively plaguing my mind, but nothing can make me pissed right now and I'm allowing myself the rare opportunity to ignore all responsibilities first.

Do you have severe withdrawals from medications? I've never experienced withdrawal.

What’s the most weight you’ve ever gained from a medication? I've never gained weight from a medication, either.

Do you have a doctor you can trust? Not really, because I don't have a regular/go-to doctor.

What’s the stupidest decision you ever made? Staying in and fighting for a relationship longer than I should've.

How many tattoos do you have, and what are they of? I don't have any. Needles are scary.

How do you get through hard times? I just have to be in the headspace of telling myself that I've gotten through everything in the past, and the present won't be different. The pandemic also did wonders in letting me put things in perspective – I simply don't stress about difficult times as hard as I used to.

Have you ever been suicidal? I have.

Do you pray? If yes, to whom? Nope.

Do you ever feel lost and alone? When I'm stressed and my hormones get all over the place, I get tempted to drown in feelings of loneliness; like thinking that everyone's out to get me or how helpless I feel in my (work) position. Those are the only times I ever feel lost and alone, and I hate that my stance about work has evolved to such a state; I'm well-aware of how unhealthy it is so trust me, I am actively counting down the clock until I can set myself free.

Everything else about my life is wonderful though.

What do you miss about high school? Only having to worry about papers and deadweight groupmates.

What do you miss the most about college? Having all that time, freedom, and even avenues (orgs, rallies, after-school activities) to simply get to know yourself better.

Did you like high school? I liked the experiences and memories I got out of it, but I hated the actual system. I went to a Catholic school and they definitely did their best to make sure everyone felt suffocated 24/7.

What was the name of the first dorm you lived in? I never stayed in a dorm. I lived close enough from my school that it sufficed to just drive to and from.

What was the last flavor of tea you drank? I had this peach tea last Friday that I only drank because I was super thirsty and it was the only drink being served at the event I was in.

Do you feel like youtube’s gotten boring lately? Not at all. I go along with the trends as much as I can so I'm always able to find something to enjoy, whether it's video podcasts or ASMR stuff or vlogs or K-pop stuff or whatever.

What would you change about your hair if you could? I'd bring back the super pigmented purple hair I had back in June. My last stylist dyed my hair only a really faint purple and I'm not happy with how it looks now.

Are you jealous of anyone? Those who get to resign from the company for greener pastures, lol.

What was the best date you’ve ever been on? I know there should be one but I've already blocked most memories from my previous relationship that I really can't tell you anything even if I wanted to.

What’s the last great song you discovered? I'm really into That Feeling When by Enhypen these days.

Has facebook gotten boring lately? It is, and it's better that way. Facebook can be a toxic cesspool when trending topics come up, especially political ones.

Do you feel free to post how you feel on facebook? For the most part yes, but I still ultimately watch my mouth because I'm friends with a few members of the media and I don't want to end up an unruly representative of my workplace.

Which stereotype do you fit the most? Jaded corporate slave devoid of happiness and work-life balance.

What is the most beautiful landscape you have ever seen? Watching the sun rise in Sagada.

What was the first CD you bought? I Am...Sasha Fierce by Beyoncé.

How old are you? 25.

What year were you born? 1998.

Did you go to prom? I had to, it was required lol. I would have happily skipped it.

Are you jealous of people who are ten years younger? Not really. I had my time to be 15 and I don't feel the need to go back.

If you could rewind time ten years, would you? Nope.

What do you miss the most about your past? Mostly just the fact that I could be more carefree then because for the most part I had little to no heavy life responsibilities. In general though I feel zero desperation to go back to my past; it's not something I cling to.

Do you like getting older? Kind of, yeah.

What hard thing are you going through right now, if applicable? I feel helpless in my job and it's just starting to become a place I hate staying in. I've told my superiors that the last thing I want is to wind up resenting the company that gave me a chance from the very beginning so they're also aware that I plan on leaving the first chance I get.

Have you made any progress toward going after your dreams? Kind of, yeah.

Who encourages you to go after your dreams? Just me. My friends, too.

Do you like pineapple on pizza? No.

What song are you listening to right now, if any? I'm listening to Taehyung's live and he's playing some song I don't recognize, so that.

[awkwardpenguinproductions]

What food were you surprised to learn most of us goyim don’t know about or haven’t tried? My coworker a few years ago made everyone in the kitchen some of her matzah ball soup, and was super surprised at how many of them had never heard of it. (It was super delicious) Do you have a traditional food item you kind of wish were more popular so you could go out to eat and find it on random menus?

oooh boy, where do I even start?

So matzah ball soup is definitely one, especially the recipe my mom makes, which is clear broth (usually simmered for most of the day and strained before serving) with matzah balls and chicken shreds, and for Rosh Hashanah the kneydlach are replaced with thin egg noodles. I once had a variation of matzah ball soup called mishmash soup, which is chicken soup with matzah balls, kreplach (dumplings), and noodles, and some recipes also have rice and kasha as well. I had it once, and the place I had it has since closed (sad, sad, sad day in the Penguin Family’s New York branch) and I have been looking for another place to get it for TEN YEARS. 

UPDATE ON THE MISHMASH SEARCH: So I just ran a google search for local Jewish delis in my area (I do not live in New York, which makes this search somewhat challenging) and I found a place nearby that HAS IT!!! They call it “chicken in the pot” but it’s basically mishmash soup. I know what I’m doing for lunch tomorrow.

I also really miss my mom’s potato kugel. Kugel is a type of baked casserole that can be made either with potatoes and onions, for a savory dish, or with noodles and eggs, for a sweet dish. I prefer potato kugel, which my mom makes of grated potatoes and onions mixed with egg and matzah meal (basically ground up matzahs) and baked until the top is golden brown and the edges are crunchy. it is SO FUCKING GOOD, especially with brisket gravy drizzled on top. 

There’s also knishes, which are sort of like hash browns except that they’re made of mashed potatoes instead of chopped or grated potatoes and they’re also filled with stuff (usually meat or cheese, but not both because that’s not kosher) and fried.

GEFILTE FISH, I can’t believe I almost forgot about gefilte fish. 

Okay, so gefilte fish are basically round cake-blobs of ground up fish (usually carp, pike, mullet, or whitefish) mixed with eggs, matzah meal or breadcrumbs (if breadcrumbs are used, then the end product is not considered kosher for Passover), spices, and sometimes onion, carrot, or potato, all mashed up together and boiled in fish stock. Modern mass produced gefilte fish are made into cakes and then poached or baked, and then stuffed into jars with jelly made from fish stock like the pic above. 

I THOUGHT THESE WERE SO GROSS AS A KID. We usually eat them for Shabbat and/or Passover (usually Passover in my family), and wee Teviya thought she had never seen a grosser foodstuff in her life. And then I tried some at Jewish summer camp, and MY MIND WAS BLOWN. They are so good. I can’t even explain why they’re good, although I prefer mine at room temp with as little jelly as possible in evidence (my grandmother would serve hers cold, which may have explained why little me found them so unappetizing).

It’s so hard to find these at the local supermarket when it’s not Passover season where I live (as stated above, I don’t live in New York, where my grandparents and my weird Orthodox relatives live). Maaaybe they’ll be in the microscopic kosher section of the foreign foods aisle, maybe not. I mostly associate them with holiday eating, so I generally don’t go looking for them all that often, but every once in a blue moon I’ll get a hankering.

ughghghg I miss real Jewish food. Hopefully this deli I’m hitting up tomorrow lives up to The Stage and Katz’s. They put cheese on their meat sandwiches (again, not kosher), so I’m a little skeptical. If there’s mayo on the pastrami I may riot. (I don’t even really like pastrami, but mayo on pastrami is nigh heretical whether I like pastrami or not.)

I’m doing a #jewish on main q&a in honor of Passover! Come ask me stuff! Disclaimers and warning here.

[bubblesreplies]

A Wish In The Dark // Eleven

Jason Kolchek X Female Reader

A/N: alright guys, I am super excited about this chapter. I'm told the dark mode issue is fixed but if it isn't, I'm so sorry and it looks normal in light mode :(. this one is pretty long, but I hope you still enjoy it because things are moving along now. Please leave me comments and all of the thoughts because...guys... this ending? you're welcome. That is all. (except also PLEASE mind the tags. PLEASE.)

WARNINGS AND TAGS: NSFW 18+ ONLY MINORS DNI, domestic violence NOT BY JASON, domestic abuse NOT BY JASON, choking NOT BY JASON, reader has unhealthy coping mechanisms, bad friends, ex-boyfriends, reader lashing out, insecure!reader, reader needs therapy, cussing, dancing around feelings, lots of confessions happening right now, teasing!Jason, cocky!Jason, protective!Jason, Jason beats a man up, PTSD, trauma, domestic!Jason, police involved in this chapter, graphic depictions of panic attacks, picking a fight because you're scared, unhealthy mannerisms, sharing a bed, poor safety choices but please don't victim blame here, dark!Jason, scarily protective!Jason, fighting, violence, spitting in somebody's face, abusers using twisted logic, gaslighting, manipulation, putting somebody in harm's way purposefully, betrayal, toxic friendships, love confessions, Jason yelling at people, making out, ass-grabbing, pelvic thrusting,

Word Count: 11k

Wish Masterlist, Jason Masterlist, Main Masterlist

Previous Chapter ~ Next Chapter

Somewhere I Belong

“Wow. You exist.”

You snorted, but avoided Jason’s eyes as you exited your room, making a mental note that he must have just gotten back home. He smelled slightly like alcohol, and a lot like his sweat, and you wondered just what he was out all night doing this time.

Or who he was doing. 

You winced at yourself as you pulled your refrigerator door open, snagging a Monster and popping up the tab, ignoring Jason’s annoyed sigh. It was ridiculous for you to be jealous—he’d finally made some friends around town, mostly at your school where he now worked with Allie—but you knew that he still had a fondness for you. You just…wondered, you supposed. Wondered if now that he had friends and a life outside of you, if he would also meet someone who wasn’t you. If maybe, the only reason he’d liked you in the first place—or you thought he liked you—was simply because you were the only available girl in his vicinity. 

It had been two weeks since your performance, and the two of you had hardly seen each other. Between your late nights with midterms coming around the corner, Jason working during the day and occasionally going out with his friends at night, it was hard to touch on what your relationship was now. Were you still fake dating? Were you anything at all? Jason had always invited you when he went out, and you’d gone once or twice, but lately you were holed up in your room studying as if your life depended on it. 

“Midterms are important, Jason,” you hissed back at him, with much more malice than you’d been originally intending. You turned to him then with a frown and crossed arms, daring him to piss you off even more than you already were. Even if you logically had no reason to be pissed off. “You can’t expect me to just fucking blow them off and spend every waking moment partying with you.”

Jason scoffed and rolled his eyes, knowing you well enough now to see right through your uncaring facade. “That ain’t fair,” he responded, pushing himself off of the couch and making his way over to you, cornering you by the fridge and wrapping his hand around your energy drink, setting it down onto the counter behind him. “And it’s ten p.m., baby; not a great idea.”

“Don’t tell me what to do,” you sneered back, reaching back around him and snatching the Monster once again. Jason shot you a disapproving look, but made no move to take it back again. Instead, he sighed, reaching out and tucking a strand of hair behind your ear. 

“That ain’t fair, either,” Jason insisted, and you frowned as he pulled you in with his arms around your waist, knowing he was right. “You know I wouldn’t ever try to tell you what to do; and I wasn’t partyin’ tonight. I went out with some guys to the gym.”

“With alcohol?”

“And we had a few beers,” Jason finished with a knowing smile, pressing a kiss to your forehead and nuzzling his nose against yours. He hadn’t kissed you anywhere for two weeks—both of you hardly seeing each other the past two weeks—and you wondered if this was it. If he was finally going to kiss you kiss you now—but he didn’t. “It would’ve been better if you were there.”

You snorted. “Yeah. Sure. I’m sure you pulled your fair share of hotter, fit girls at the stupid gym.”

“Whoa, whoa, whoa!” Jason exclaimed, pulling slightly away from you so that he could look at your face, keeping his hands planted steadily on your waist. He had an incredulous expression painted on his face and his shock made you look away from the guilt, the reality of how abrupt and strange your outburst must have seemed to him settling over you. “What’s that all about?!

“Nothing,” you lied uneasily, unaware that your nose was scrunching and your face was pulling up into a pout that, if Jason wasn’t so worred about how pissed you seemed to be at him, he would have found adorable. 

“No, it ain’t nothin’,” Jason argued, reaching an arm out to corner you as you pulled out of his grasp and tried to leave. “And I’m sick of dancin’ around whatever the fuck I did, ‘cause you’ve been actin’ pissy for the last two weeks.”

“Wow, Jason, how sweet of you,” you deadpanned, but you and he both knew it was only a tactic to get him to shut up and drop it—and that it wasn’t working. You tried to work your way through him, but he grabbed your waist, his brown eyes concerned and even slightly annoyed. You stopped, looking up at him with a frown as you tried to hide the guilt from your eyes, knowing that you were being completely irrational.

“C’mon, Y/n.” Jason’s voice was significantly softer now, and he reached out to push your hair behind your ear, kissing your forehead again—and as he pulled away, you noticed that his eyes were wide and definitively worried. “What did I do these past few weeks to make you this upset, Y/n? What changed?”

You took a deep breath and winced, sinking further into the warmth and comfort that always was Jason Kolchek. The truth of the matter was, you were embarrassed. Actually, completely mortified. Because how could you sit here and say, actually, I’m just fucking seething with a raging jealousy; because now, I’m not the only single woman in your life and you’re probably going to figure out—if you haven’t figured it out, already—that there are plenty of other more beautiful, more normal women who you’d probably much rather be with. 

Yeah, no fucking way you could say that to Jason. You just couldn’t. It sounded…crazy, and what would you even be doing if you admitted that to him? You’d be handing your true feelings over on a silver platter, and that would be giving him the upper hand in this situation. Not to mention, you weren’t even sure that he felt the same way as you. If he did, and if you were certain of it, you’d probably just bite the bullet and tell him how you were feeling.

“Nothing,” you insisted, but you could feel your resolve weakening. Jason raised an eyebrow at you and you huffed back, but made no move to pull away as he encircled his arms around your waist, one hand cupping your cheek and pushing hair away from your eyes. “Just—forget about it, alright?”

“You and I both know that ain’t gonna happen,” Jason answered with a large, amused smile, your eyes wandering over to his dimple as they always did. “So, once again, Y/n, what’s wrong and how can I fix it?”

You sighed in defeat, shaking your head, before gathering the courage to look up into his kind, concerned eyes. With a gulp, you said, “You have a job now, Jason, and—and friends. And you see them a lot.”

“Oh,” Jason responded instantly, unknowingly cutting off the second and more embarrassing part of your admission. His brow furrowed as he thought over your words and you waited for him to speak. “And I’m spending too much time going out with my friends?”

“No, absolutely not,” you refuted immediately, wincing as you realized just how much of an idiot you sounded. How silly your fears actually were. “I just—it’s—before, you only knew me, and now you know…other girls, and, I don’t know—maybe now you’ll meet another girl who is prettier, or tougher, or just more your type, you know? And you didn’t actually like me because I’m me, but because I was your only option.”

Now that the words were out, you actually felt relieved, like somehow telling Jason had actually been the weight you were carrying and not the fear itself. At least, you felt relieved before you heard Jason’s reaction; a loud, bellowing laugh. 

Offended, you pushed him away, crossing your arms over your chest and taking a few steps away from him. “I knew I shouldn’t have said anything,” you grumbled, glaring harder at him when you saw that he was still smiling, amusedly, back at you. “It’s not like we’re real dating so it’s so fucking stupid, right?”

Your final words were laced with sarcasm and it seemed to register with Jason immediately, and you watched his face fall. You walked away and he instantly followed you around the counter, catching you fron behind the waist this time and wrapping his arms around your middle, his face nuzzling into your cheek. 

“Wait, baby, no!” Jason’s voice came out as a beg and it caused you to pause, just for a moment. “Y/n, I wasn’t laughin’ at you, sweetheart. It’s just that—and no offense, baby—but that idea is completely ridiculous.” 

You wriggled out of his grasp and turned around to look at him with a pout, ignoring his more-than-amused smile. Your arms were crossed over your chest again, and he tucked a stray hair behind your ear, letting his hand drop as he shook his head back at you, fondness lying inside his eyes as he stared at you. 

“Look, sweetheart, it ain’t like you were keepin’ me hostage here,” Jason sighed, taking a step back as a redness colored his face. You wondered what he was embarrassed about, and desperately hoped that he was about to tell you. “I was free to leave whenever I wanted from the beginning of this little arrangement—and it’s not like I didn’t have access to bars, or clubs, or even the internet—and, other women, baby. But, believe it or not, Y/n, you ain’t actually the worst company in the world. Did’ya ever stop and think that just maybe I choose to stay here and spend my time with you, sweetheart? That maybe I actually do prefer your company? And that maybe I think you’re motherfuckin’ beautiful? That maybe—just maybe, Y/n—you are exactly my fuckin’ type?!”

You were stunned silent, standing frozen and rooted to your spot as your wide eyes and gaping jaw stared back up at Jason’s face, which had softened into a warm, comforting smile as he lifted his hand back up to stroke your cheekbones with his thumbs. 

“W-what?” You stuttered, unable to form any real thoughts or words as Jason’s admission bounced around your head wildly, unrelenting, unwilling to give you any rest from his truth. 

That maybe—just maybe—you are exactly my type?

Jason chuckled again and leaned in so close to you that you could feel his breath on your lips. 

“Y’heard me, princess,” Jason whispered, his arms on the counter behind you, trapping your body, your chests nearly pressed together and his lips so, so close to being where you’d wanted them for longer than you’d care to admit. His eyes roamed over your face until they locked on your lips, and you watched as he ran his tongue over his own lips, eyes steady and unwavering on your mouth. “You really ain’t the worst company when you’re not being obnoxious.”

You gasped and Jason laughed heartily, not even the least bit offended when you teasingly shoved him away. His eyes moved from your lips to your eyes, and there was a teasing, happy glint within them that alone melted your anxieties away.  

“Shut up and go shower,” you hissed back without any bite, your lips upturned in a smile as Jason grinned back at you, pressing a kiss to the top of your head with a wink, leaving you flushing and speechless as he hurried off to the bathroom. The domesticity of it all—and Jason’s admission that he did, indeed, like you—left you feeling dizzy and giddy, a large smile stuck to your face as you shoved your energy drink back into the fridge, cuddling up instead with a hot chocolate and a large blanket on the couch. 

I can take a tiny break from studying tonight, you reasoned with yourself, a content sigh pushing past your lips as you smiled to yourself. I can hangout—for a bit. 

You waited, warm and cozy and happy, underneath your blanket as Jason showered, knowing exactly how he’d smell when he came out. That woodsy soap he used made you absolutely feral and tonight, you were certain there would be no holding back anymore. The two of you were crossing a line, slowly, and you were finally ready to take the plunge to the other side with him. 

You were just contemplating changing into something a little sexier and dabbing on some perfume when there was a knock at your door. Checking the time—it was nearing eleven p.m.---you rose from the couch, abandoning your warm spot on the couch and cautiously making your way over to the door. You could still hear the sounds of Jason’s shower, the water probably still running down over his body, as you stood in front of your apartment door. You tugged your sweater down and rolled down the sleeves, creeping up onto your tiptoes to check the peephole.

You couldn’t make out anything but pitch black, and your veins ran cold, your blood feeling like ice flowing through your limbs. You took a step back to clear your head, and weighed your options.

Nobody but a handful of people knew where you lived, so at this hour, it was likely Derek and/or Allie at the door. The only other people who knew where your apartment was actually located, aside from you and Jason, were your mom and Chrissy. You knew your mom wouldn’t set foot inside of your apartment, but it could be Chrissy, probably back with some bullshit. 

Annoyed at just the thought, you snarled, throwing open the door before you could really second guess yourself. You looked up at the person’s face—expecting your brother to be standing there with some news or something—but you were horribly, horribly wrong.

And if you thought your blood had run ice cold before, it was fucking frozen in place now.

“Y/n,” he greeted. Him. Dylan. My ex-boyfriend who almost—he’s back, he—how did he find me? What is he doing here? How does he know where I live? “Wow, your hair—it’s so different now. You look amazing.”

Panicked and unaware of how to proceed, you tried to hurriedly to shut the door, but his foot blocked it, a smile on his face as he chuckled. His jet-black hair and diamond blue eyes—eyes you had once fallen so far into that you’d nearly drowned—were so familiar and terrifying that you ached, desperate to get away, to get him away.

Cold, so cold. Blood spilling out onto the carpet. Your life, ended, at his hands—

“Hey now, I know this might come as sort of a shock baby, but you don’t need to shut me out again,” Dylan chided, but you kept your hand tight on the door, afraid that he was going to bust his way in and finish off what he’d started years ago. Afraid that in mere seconds, you’d be back in that hospital, and maybe this time, nobody would be able to save you. 

“Don’t,” you managed to choke out, hands tight on the door, both of you pushing against each other as he attempted to force his way in and you attempted to keep him out. “Don’t you fucking call me that, you bastard.”

“Wow, still keeping up with the name-calling?” Dylan looked genuinely offended, like he’d thought you’d be giving him a warm welcome. “That hurts, Y/n, don’t you know that by now?”

“It hurts?” You shot back, afraid, but unwilling to stand down. “As much as multiple broken ribs? Or black eyes? Or nearly being strangled to death?”

You were playing with motherfucking fire but you didn’t care. You needed to show him—he needed to know—you weren’t that same terrified, fragile woman anymore. You could stand up for yourself now. You would fight back now.

Dylan’s face twisted in agony—a trick you’d seen many, many times before—and he took a step closer, successfully garnering his way into the apartment. He’d always been much stronger than me, physically. You gulped and took multiple steps near the kitchen, towards the knives, in case things escalated.

“I’m so sorry, baby,” Dylan apologized, and even now that you knew all of his machinations, his voice almost convinced you that he meant it. Almost. “If I could take it all back, I would—I had so many issues, baby, but I’m better now—”

“I said don’t call me that,” you hissed back at him, backing up so far that your back hit the counter. Dylan’s eyebrows quirked, like it was funny, and you needed to turn back the tables and take the offensive. Straightening up with a snarl, you said, “Why the fuck are you even here? How the fuck do you know where I live?!”

“I told you, I’ve changed,” Dylan responded, taking a step closer to you. You clutched the counter, eyeing the glimmer in his eyes that you knew could change on a dime. “I miss you so much—you were so good to me, baby. Please—all I want is another chance.”

“To kill me?” You shrieked, and you were clutching the counter so hard that your hands were turning white and a few of your fingernail tips were breaking. 

“Don’t be like that,” Dylan chastised, and you noticed the edge in his voice—a tell of his, that he was starting to get past the point of irritated, starting to move into the danger zone. “Please, I promise you, this time I’ll be different. I miss you, my mom misses you, and I know what I lost baby.” Dylan took a step closer to you and you held your breath as he placed his palm on your cheek, cold hands stroking you as you tried not to burst into tears. “And I have it on good authority that you miss me, too—”

“Get out,” you commanded, pushing him away by the chest with both of your hands and crossing over to the door, hastily opening it back up. “Get the hell out of here Dylan, and don’t fucking come back. Ever.”

You watched as Dylan’s face changed from soft to hard, begging to fixed, and you blanched, fully prepared to scream, to fight, to do whatever you had to do. 

“C’mon Y/n, be reasonable here,” Dylan pleaded, a wicked smile crossing his lips, sure he’d be getting his way. “How much more do I have to beg? How many more times are you going to make me apologize? I told you I was sorry.”

“Apologize all you want,” you deadpanned, clutching the doorknob and jerking your head to the open door. “I’ll never believe you. Never again.” Dylan’s smile turned into an agitated frown and you felt yourself blanch, despite your protestations to just be brave. 

“Come on,” Dylan begged as he drew nearer to you, but you could see his jaw clenched and his eyes fiery with anger. “Can’t we just go out for a minute, go on a walk, and talk this all over? I’ve been to therapy, I’ve changed, and I still love you, Y/n.”

“No, absolutely not,” you insisted harshly, pulling away once again from his touch and rushing towards the living room, feeling like a mouse caught in a trap. “I don’t give a fuck if you’ve changed, I don’t care if you’ve gone to therapy—all I care about is you getting the fuck out of my house,” you admitted, and it was then that you realized that your hands were shaking, and you probably weren’t very convincing. Dylan scoffed, and smiled, and he was advancing towards you when you started screaming.

“OUT! GET OUT! GETOUTGETOUTGETOUT—”

“Y/n?!” 

Jason’s voice is what broke you out of your fear-filled trance, reminding you that you weren’t alone here—that you weren’t as unsafe as your PTSD led you to believe. With wide eyes, your head whipped towards the hallway and there he was, Jason, rushing towards you, wearing nothing but wet, wet hair and a pale blue towel wrapped around his waist. You were so motherfucking terrified that you couldn’t even allow yourself to enjoy the view.

Jason seemed to be assessing the situation—you had to hand it to him, he was observant and much smarter than he looked—and he reached you quickly, stepping protectively in front of you as he took Dylan in, up and down, no doubt wondering just who the fuck he was and why he had you so on edge by just his presence. He was studying him too, you noticed, as if Dylan could ever even compare to the marvel that was Jason Kolchek. 

“What’s goin’ on here?” Jason questioned, calm and collected, even though he must have suspected that anybody who could make you scream like that and be so frightened was somebody who warranted heavy suspicion. “There some sort of problem here, man?”

“No, sorry bro,” Dylan answered with a faux smile, the one that fooled so many people. The oh-so-charming one that let him walk away with you without any suspicion from the general public. “No problem; I just need to speak to Y/n for a minute, alright?”

Jason looked down at you then, at your eyes—wide, petrified, tear-stricken. All you had to do was simply shake your head back at him and he understood, his own jaw clenching and taking on an even more protective stance as he turned back to your ex.

“Yeah, I don’t think so, man,” Jason responded, nodding towards the door. “Think it’s time for you to leave.” You could tell by the way that Dylan’s smile barely faltered that this wasn’t what he wanted to hear, but he was still trying to play up the charm. Still trying to make himself look innocent. 

“Alright, well, can I come back then, Y/n? I really think that we need to talk—I really need you to hear what I have to say, baby,” Dylan responded and you bristled, noticing the way that Jason stiffened in confusion beside you.

“I told you to stop calling me that,” you insisted, your voice low and angry. “I’m not your ‘baby,’ I’m not your girlfriend—I’m not your anything. Don’t come back here. Leave, and don’t come back here!” 

Your voice was no longer bordering hysterical, it was there, and Jason took that as his cue to grab Dylan’s arm and personally escort him to the door.

“Time to go, man,” Jason growled and Dylan twisted around to stare at you with a snarl.

“Oh yeah?” He chided, nodding towards you. “If she didn’t want to see me so badly, then why the fuck did she let me in, then?” Jason didn’t take the bait, his hand tightening around Dylan’s arm as he glanced back at you, halfway to the front door.

“Is that so?” Jason laughed, shoving Dylan through the doorway. “Let’s just see about that then, buddy; you invite him in, Y/n?”

All you could do was shake your head, but Jason turned to see it, his gaze hardening as he looked back at your scumbag of an ex-boyfriend. “Did’ya ask him to leave?” Jason asked, his voice conveying that he already knew the answer to that question.

“Multiple times,” you choked out and Jason shoved him even harder, the anger palpable  through the rigidity that he was currently holding within his body. 

“Sounds like she asked you to leave,” Jason taunted, “So leave.”

“And just who the fuck do you think that you are?!” Dylan hissed back and Jason laughed out loud, efficiently blocking the doorway and your view of the man who had almost taken your life. “Who the fuck are you?”

“I’m her boyfriend,” Jason responded and you moved close enough to see Dylan’s face fall, turning white. “Now get out of my fuckin’ house!” 

You saw Dylan shake his head, a muttered, “Stupid little slut,” under his breath as he turned and left, apparently realizing that if it came down to it, he couldn’t take Jason in a fight. Jason shut and bolted the door before he turned to you, rushing back to your side eagerly as his hands came to your face, one on your neck and one on your cheek.

“Sweetheart, are you—are you alright?” 

You couldn’t even muster the strength to answer—your heart was still beating so wildly that you were certain it was going to burst out of your chest. If you didn’t have a heart attack first. 

“Y/n, what’s wrong? Who the hell was that?” Jason tried again, and you leaned into his comfort, not even thinking about the fact that he was practically naked. You couldn’t really think about anything right now. 

“Dylan,” you responded numbly, your voice monotone as you felt yourself emotionally shut down, your mind and body attempting to prevent you from the trauma. “My ex-boyfriend. It was a…” Your mind could barely form the words; how could you tell Jason who this was? How could you tell him that this man almost killed you?! “...bad breakup.”

“No,” Jason argued, pulling you into him by the waist and holding you close. You should’ve known that he could read you and your lies like a fucking book. “No fuckin’ way that’s all it is baby. I’m sorry, but your reaction is way too extreme to just be an ex-boyfriend.”

“He—no, he just—”

“Please, just—just tell me what happened sweetheart,” Jason begged, and you shook your head, tears streaming down your cheeks. “You can trust me with anything, Y/n, you know that—right?”

Of course—of course you knew that. And you did; you trusted Jason more than you trusted anyone but you just…couldn’t do this right now. You couldn’t—you couldn’t do this. Not here, not now. You couldn’t relive this right now. 

“Fuck, Jason, just—just let it go,” you whined, clutching your head as you pulled away from him, allowing the tears to overtake your eyes and your throat. “Please don’t ask me. Don’t ask me again.”

“Sweetheart, I just want to help—”

“I said don’t ask me again!” You shrieked, whipping back around and staring Jason down, your breaths coming in hurried pants as you felt the panic attack begin to overtake you. Your airway was closing up, your body was shaking, you were dizzy. If you had to bet, you’d bet that there were tears streaming down your face, even though you couldn’t feel them falling. 

Fuck, you needed to ground yourself. What had your therapist taught you?

Five things you can see, four things you can feel, three things you can smell, two things you can hear, one thing you can taste.

Jason. Jason’s pale blue towel. His fucking sexy brown hair, dripping wet. His eight? Wow, yeah eight-pack. His large, brown eyes, looking me over with concern. 

I can feel my sweater. I can feel the ground beneath my feet. I can feel my hair against my neck. I can feel the rings on my fingers that I haven’t taken off in years. 

I can smell Jason’s shampoo—his farmboy, woodsy shit that I can never get out of my head. I can smell last night’s pasta. I can smell my own sweat from my lack of a shower for a few days. 

I hear Jason saying my name, softly. I hear my own breathing beginning to slow down.

I can taste the bile, returning back into my stomach where it belongs. 

“I’m sorry,” you said once you’d calmed down, taking a deep breath and allowing Jason to approach you. He did, his hands hanging by his side as he tentatively looked up at you from under his wet hair, unsure of what to do next. “I just—I need to calm down. I can’t talk about this right now, I—I need to go to bed now.”

“With me?” 

Jason’s voice was so hopeful but so quiet—almost as if he’d never spoken at all. Your heart filled with such an overwhelming warmth and giddiness that even if you’d wanted to, you weren’t sure you could have turned him down.

“Please,” you whispered back, and Jason’s lips lifted up into a smile as he followed you to the bedroom—where he already kept his clothes, anyways—and you turned around with your eyes shut tight, letting him change, afraid of what you might do if you saw him. All of him.

Jason seemed to know what you were thinking because he smirked when he came into your line of sight, fully clothed, and you scowled at him, ignoring the way his eyes seemed to light up at the unspoken confrontation. Silently, the two of you crawled into bed and you fell asleep with his arms around you, his lips resting gently on your neck without ever kissing you at all. 

*                                *                                     *                             *                                  *

Someone was watching you.

You thought.

You were pretty certain.

You also could have just been extra paranoid by your surprise visitor the night before, but you really didn’t think so. You could feel it, somebody’s eyes burning a hole into the back of your head. In each of your classes, in the hallways, in the parking lot. 

You were scared; but you had Jason on speed-dial, and your fingers were already ready to go in the case of an emergency. You knew that, should the need arise, he wouldn’t waste any time in getting to you—work be damned. 

You tried to calm yourself down, but still, the feeling of being followed wouldn’t leave you alone.

Which is why you shouldn’t have been so surprised when you felt his dangerously cold hands wrap around your neck.

“Did you miss me, baby?” Dylan asked as he whipped you around a dark corner, shoving you up against a nearby wall roughly, his hand never leaving its place on your throat. He pushed up against you harder and you gasped out a little breath of air, your eyes wide and terrified as you realized that the two of you were alone. No people, no cars, no streetlights. Not in this parking lot, and not this late at night.

In retrospect, not your smartest move.

“You know, it wasn’t very nice for you to let that asshole kick me out the other night,” Dylan pouted, and he had one hand on your waist while the other was still firmly pushed around your throat. If he applied even the slightest bit more pressure, you wouldn’t be able to breathe. 

I know what that feels like. 

“Not when you and I both know you don’t want him, you want me. Right baby?”

Your face contorted into a strangled glare as you attempted to kick him, but it was no use. He was much stronger than you, and he had you pinned. You opened your mouth to respond, but the words came out jumbled and choked, his hand suppressing your airway enough that you couldn’t even speak.

“What’s that, baby?” Dylan asked, easing up on your throat—just a little bit. 

You took the moment to snarl at him, spit in his face, and say, “I don’t want you and I will never want you, you abusive piece of shit!” 

You’d known it was a risk to be so aggressive, but you’d forgotten what it felt like to lose your last string of breath, to have black spots invade your vision, until Dylan used his full force against your neck and you lost all sense of air, your hands winding around his arm as you tried desperately to pull him away from you.

You tried to do anything—to kick, or thrash, or even scream—but all three attempts were unsuccessful. Dylan clearly didn’t appreciate your attempts to escape, as his hand tightened even more around your neck and you began to gag, the light stars at the edges of your vision the only thing you could see.

“Please,” Dylan scoffed, his hold loosening on your throat and allowing you a bit of air, your vision clearing on his sadistic, disgusting face. “If you really didn’t want me, then why would you have kept coming back to me—over and over and over again—and let me keep beating and beating and beating you? Only someone who really loves me would do that—be so fucking weak and pathetic, all for me?” You didn’t even have the strength to gag at his disgusting words, his twisted logic, even though every fibre of your being wanted to. In fact, your body barely reacted until he uttered his next admission.

 “I know you love me—you don’t have to deny it anymore. Chrissy told me.”

Your eyes widened and shock coursed through your system at his words; Chrissy told him?! The same Chrissy who watched you be hit? Who helped you out of it? Who hid you, and cried with you, and called the police with you?

No. No, even she wouldn’t do that. 

“Chrissy?” You managed to squeak out and Dylan nodded, a laugh on the tip of his lips as they spread across his face, mean, cheshire-like. Your heart dropped into the pit of your stomach at his admission and you could no longer tell whether the tears in the corners of your eyes were from lack of air, or betrayal. 

“Chrissy,” Dylan confirmed and if you could have gasped, you just might have. “Called me up the other day, told me how you still felt about me. How do you think I found you?”

The damning realization hit you like a ton of bricks and you thought you might have managed to gasp this time, or at the very least, you let out a small, nearly silent sob. Dylan’s voice barely registered in your brain, the reality of what Chrissy had done to you still reverberating around your head, unable to truly stick due to your unwillingness to accept the harsh truth.

“Now I’m going to give you one more chance to answer honestly—do you still love me, Y/n? Or do you love him?” 

You knew he had to be talking about Jason. He had clearly rattled Dylan’s ego yesterday, and you assumed that it was what was causing his rage right now—a rage you’d seen all too often with him. Often enough that you knew it was only going to get worse from here.

Dylan had always seen you as a possession; a pathetic, feeble little thing that he could always get to come back to him, no matter how horribly he treated you. Now that you had taken the upper hand and left him, and then found somebody else to be with, he couldn’t handle it. Couldn’t handle the fact that his poor little bird wasn’t flying back to his coop anymore.

That fact made you mad; madder than you’d ever been. Mad at Dylan, mad at Chrissy, mad at yourself for not paying closer attention to your surroundings. For not going straight to the police when Dylan had shown up on your doorstep last night. For not listening to Jason this morning when he’d begged you to do just that. 

Dylan loosened his grip tremendously, but still not enough for you to make any sort of escape—which you guessed was the point. 

“I don’t love you,” you growled back at him, your voice already sounding hoarse and broken from the force of his hands. You didn’t care if you sounded weak to him anymore; you knew better now. You weren’t weak, and you would never be weak, ever again. “I will never love you, ever, again!” 

Dylan’s face twisted and turned into an ugly, desperate, wounded scowl; your words had hurt him, and maybe somewhere deep down, he knew what he was doing was wrong. That he was a disgusting piece of shit. Maybe; but it certainly wasn’t your job to see that through. Not anymore. 

Dylan’s hands returned with full force on your neck but you fought back this time, able to gain some headway as you kicked back against him, loosening his grip slightly. You took the opportunity to kick your flailing legs towards his crotch, and you knew that you had struck your mark when Dylan gasped out in pain and accidentally released you, your body hitting the cold, concrete floor as you gasped desperately for the breath that was rushing back into your system much too quickly. 

You knew you didn’t have a moment to waste and so you didn’t waste any, getting to your feet and hitting the ground running as fast as your legs were physically able to take you. You knew that he was hot on your heels but you couldn’t bear to turn back and check, only focusing on moving forward and finding your car, or another person, or any form of escape at all. 

You knew you were fucked when you hit a dead end, running into a corner that you knew students sometimes frequented—except for, apparently, right now, because it was deserted. Your body whipped around and you saw Dylan, advancing on you much closer than you’d thought he was, and with an angry, spiteful smile on his face. You whimpered in fear, pushing yourself farther into the corner as you attempted to put as much distance as you could between you and him. 

“What, you thought you could actually outrun me?” Dylan taunted with a laugh and a shake of his head. You were shaking and you were trapped now, knowing that you had absolutely nowhere else to go. You’d never be able to run past him without him grabbing you, and there was nobody else here.

This was it this time. 

“After what I did to you the last time that I saw you?” Dylan chuckled, as if you were the stupidest person in the entire world. Maybe you were. “Oh Y/n, you stupid fucking idiot, you. It was always meant to be this way; you were always meant to be submissive to me. You are my inferior half, Y/n, and the sooner you accept it—the easier it will be for you.”

You opened your mouth to bite back—if you died here, at least you’d die knowing you didn’t give him the fucking satisfation—but your words caught in your throat when you suddenly saw something. A flash of movement, from behind Dylan in the distance. 

Someone running—someone running up to you. And gaining traction quite fast.

It took less than a minute for you to realize that it was Jason—and you gasped, your eyes alighting with hope just as Dylan was about to reach you. Dylan noticed the change and smiled, shaking his head as he grabbed your wrists and pinned them against the wall.

“That joy for me, baby?” He was smug, like he really thought that you had accepted him beating the ever-loving shit out of you. “If so, then you have no fucking idea what’s coming—”

Jason’s fist to the side of his head cut off his words, and his grip on your wrists. Dylan fell to the ground, clutching his head, and you locked eyes with Jason for a split second, your heart pounding harder than you’d ever felt it beat before. You ran to his side and he pulled you into him, looking at you with a strange mix of fear, anger, and relief. He didn’t say anything to you as he pushed you behind him and reared back on Dylan, the back of his body the only thing you could see as he kicked your ex back to the ground.

“Y/n, call the police.” Jason’s voice was deeper than usual, low, and shaky. Like he were trying to hold back just how angry he was—trying to hold back just what he wanted to do to Dylan. “Tell them that you have a restrainin’ order that’s been broken, and tell them exactly what he did to you and where we are. And tell them to send an ambulance.”

“But I don’t need—” your voice was still hoarse and Jason turned around with worried eyes when he heard how awful you sounded. “I don’t need an ambulance.” 

Jason swallowed and turned back to Dylan, his voice something different, something feral when he said, “It’s not for you.”

You whipped out your phone and frantically dialed 911, hearing Jason’s voice in the background as he pinned Dylan to the ground, his knee to his throat as he took Dylan’s breath away—just like Dylan had taken yours.

“911, what’s your emergency?”

“I need—I need police! And—and maybe an ambulance. At the Smith parking garage; my ex-boyfriend attacked me, I have a restraining order against him.”

“If you ever fuckin’ come near her ever again—if you ever touch her, or even think about touchin’ her— I promise you right here and right now, I will fuckin’ kill you,” Jason threatened lowly. You stood off to the side a little bit away, and you stared at Jason; his jaw was clenched and his hands were balled up into fists, clutching onto Dylan’s shirt as he slammed him into the ground, digging his knee even farther into his throat. 

“You’re lucky she’s here right now, or I would fuckin’ end you, you abusive piece of shit!” Jason’s voice was irate, indignant, and you could see in Dylan’s eyes just how scared he was suddenly. He no longer held any control, no longer felt powerful; no, now he was pinned, and alone, and weak, and the consequences of his actions were upon him.

Finally. Finally, you could breathe. Finally, you felt…hopeful.

“Police are on their way; are you hurt ma’am?”

“A little, he—he choked me, but my current boyfriend is here now and he’s restraining him.”

“You’re damn lucky I ain’t a motherfuckin’ lowlife pile of horseshit like you, ‘cause if I was, I’d beat you senseless,” Jason growled, and now that you drew nearer, you could see he was only holding him down—with enough pressure to hurt him, but not enough to seriously wound him. “No, I ain’t gonna stoop down to your level, asshole; I ain’t ever gonna do anything as fucked as you. You know why? ‘Cause I would never hurt Y/n. And I sure as hell ain’t gonna scare her, either.”

Jason leaned down close to Dylan’s face and Dylan was gasping for breath, his blue eyes wide and darting around, terrified, as if there were someone around that would help him.

But there was only you. 

  “But listen here close you fuckin’ douchebag; I promise you, if you ever come around again, ever, I will walk back on my own fuckin’ words gladly and I will kill you myself.”

“Is your boyfriend hurting your ex-boyfriend?”

“No, ma’am, just—he’s just keeping him away from me.” 

It wasn’t a lie, Jason wasn’t hurting Dylan. All he was doing was keeping him pinned to the ground, keeping him away from you, and making sure that Dylan knew that Jason was much, much stronger than him. 

It was only seconds later that the police finally showed up, and everything began to happen in a blurred haze. Dylan was cuffed and taken away—the police had figured out pretty quickly that Jason hadn’t done anything wrong here—and you were put in the ambulance, being checked over by paramedics while Jason paced nervously nearby, running his hands through his hair and sending you frequent, anxious glances. 

When you were cleared to go—nothing but a few bad bruises—you ran to Jason, who took you in with open arms and buried his face in your shoulder, his body heaving with deep, anxious breaths as he held you so close and so tightly to him, as if he were terrified of letting you go. 

“Sweetheart, fuck,” Jason swore, clutching you tighter to him and pressing kisses to the top of your head wildly, as if he’d been scared he’d never get to again. “Fuck, baby, I was so scared—”

“I know, Jason, I know; I’m so sorry, I should have listened to you—”

“No, I’m so sorry, baby, but when—fuck, when I saw the bruises on your neck and when I heard your voice—fuck, I barely held back. I wanted to kill him. I still want to kill him!” 

“Shh,” you comforted, and you noticed that Jason was shaking, clearly more affected by the night’s events than you had anticipated. “It’s okay, I’m okay now—”

Jason pulled away from you and cradled your face in his hands, pressing a kiss to your forehead fiercely. “I should have stayed with you all day today,” Jason apologized, his eyes looking down and sad. “I felt so fuckin’ wrong about you leavin’ by yourself earlier so I called Derek and I told him about what happened and he— and he told me that I had to find you and thank God I fuckin’ came when I did, I can’t even think what might have happened if—if I—”

Jason seemed to think better of his ramblings, shaking his head, and straightening up, as if physically reminding himself to be the strong one here. 

“I’m so sorry if I scared you, sweetheart,” Jason apologized and you raised an eyebrow at his fears. Scare you? How could he think that he scared you?! He fucking saved you, he—if it wasn’t for him, you might not even be here right now. “But—fuck, the thought of anybody hurtin’ you, of puttin’ their damn hands on you in that kind of way, it—well, it, it makes me—”

Jason seemed at a loss for words, and you could see the anger burning in his eyes, his hands shaking as he thought about just what had almost happened to you. You smiled at him, pressing a kiss to his shaking hands.

“Angry?” You supplied, and Jason looked at you so intensely that your legs nearly buckled when he did so.

“No,” he insisted, pulling you closer and winding his fingers through your hair, as if he were afraid to let you go. “No, the way I feel about that fuckin’ prick— angry is too damn nice of a word.”

It was hard to deny the swirling emotions in your chest at this moment, the things that you were feeling for Jason—but you didn’t want to say them, didn’t want to give them a voice, because the second that you did? It became real, and real was scary. Real could end. Real could be rejected. Real could not go the way that you wanted it to, at all. 

So instead, you drew yourself back into his chest, your arms winding around his waist and his eagerly returning your embrace. You buried your head into his chest, breathing in his scent, holding him close and tight so you didn’t have to see his face when you spoke the next words you planned to say.

“You could never scare me, Jason, you—you saved me,” you reassured him, pressing a small kiss to his pecs and pushing the way that that felt to the back of your mind for later. “You’re always…always saving me.”

Jason was quiet for a while, standing there in the middle of the parking lot stroking your hair. You wondered for a long moment if he hadn’t heard you, if you should say what you’d said again, but after a moment, Jason sighed.

“I ain’t ever gonna leave you, you know that right?” Jason promised softly, and you shut your eyes tight against the tears that threatened to spill out from them. “You’re never gonna have to deal with this again by yourself, alright? Ain’t no one ever gonna hurt you, ever again. You’re safe with me.”

And that was the first time—but certainly not the last—that you broke down in wretching, painful sobs in front of Jason Kolchek.

*                                    *                                   *                                   *                                  *

One week. 

One.

That’s how long you and Jason had been holed up in your apartment, taking a much-needed society break after what had happened with Dylan. The police had updated you—he’d left town, Jason had apparently spooked him pretty well—and he was never going to bug you again. Not as long as he thought Jason was around, at least, and you were certain now that you would truly never hear from that toxic piece of shit ever again. 

Jason had moved, officially, into your room—you could no longer sleep alone, and it was easier this way, anyways— and the two of you had slipped into somewhat of a semi-real, semi-fake relationship. You cuddled, you held hands, you joked, you tickled, you teased—but you didn’t kiss. Neither one of you seemed to figure out when, or if, you could cross that line and so you just hadn’t. You weren’t even certain that Jason felt the same way about you that you did about him, but you were certain that he cared about you. You only hoped that it was in the way you wanted him to, you hoped that he wanted you just as badly as you wanted him. 

For now, you were content with the way that it was. Living in your own tiny little bubble for a week, pretending that the outside world just simply didn’t exist. 

Of course, that could never last.

The morning of your seventh day of hiding out, there was a harsh knocking on the door. You and Jason had been lying in bed, staring at the ceiling, and he was telling you the most bizarre story about a day on a farm and you were laughing, happy, when it happened. Jason had seen the way that you seized up, the fear obvious in your eyes, and he’d frowned, jumping up out of bed and hurrying to the door to vet whoever decided to come by today without calling first—a rule you’d made everyone who came regularly abide by now.

You had sat up in bed, tense, and you were listening more intently than you ever had in your entire life, trying to piece out who was at the front door. You heard Jason open the door, and then there was a strange silence. Until:

“Get out. Now.” Jason’s warning and the dark tone in his voice made you jump out of bed, scurrying to throw on a hoodie over the tank top you were wearing as you headed out of your room.

“No, please—I need to talk to Y/n, please. I’m her friend—just stay out of it and let me talk to her!” Chrissy sounded so desperate that it actually made you pause for just a second in the hallway. 

You had told Jason everything, of course. Everything that Dylan had done to you—that night and in your previous relationship. You told him that Chrissy knew about it. That even though she knew what he’d done to you, she still gave him your location.

Needless to say, Jason wasn’t exactly a fan of hers before—but he absolutely despised Chrissy now.

“She doesn’t wanna talk to you,” Jason hissed back, and as you rounded the corner, you could see that he was blocking her from coming down the hallway. Your blonde friend—ex-friend—had tears streaming down her cheeks and she looked ready to punch your boyfriend—fake boyfriend?---in the face. “And she sure as hell shouldn’t have to, so, get the fuck out of our house, now.”

You turned around to go back to your room—Jason was right, you didn’t want to speak to Chrissy—but she caught sight of you before you could disappear, her big eyes wide and hopeful. 

“Y/n!” She called out and you froze where you stood, hands crossed over your chest and already starting to feel the sting of hurt tears at the corner of your eyes. You locked eyes with Jason and you could see the tension rolling off of him, likely wondering if this was going to send you into a spiral again. Wondering what he could do to save you from this hurt.

But that’s the thing; he couldn’t. Nobody can save anybody else from hurting, because pain is inevitable.

“What—” Fuck, your voice was so cracked and teary already. You shook your head and wiped the tears that had already fallen down your cheeks, but realized that there was nothing you could do about it. You were crying, she had made you cry, and now she had to deal with the consequences of her own actions. “Chrissy, what are you doing here?”

“I got a call from Dylan—at the hospital!” She said it like an accusation, like—like you were the one in the wrong. You felt your lips quivering and Jason backed out from between the two of you, choosing to stand to the side and lean against the wall. Close by, in case you needed him, but not overriding your own decision to speak or not speak to Chrissy. “He told me that your boyfriend—” She stopped mid-sentence to shoot a disgusted glare at Jason, who didn’t even flinch— “Beat the shit out of him and put him in the hospital!”

You already knew that that wasn’t true—the police had said no damage was actually done to your asshole of an ex-boyfriend, unfortunately—so you knew that he must have gone to the hospital himself, made a pathetic sob story, and then tried to sell it to your ex-friend. 

The thing was, you really didn’t care to correct her anymore. All you wanted at this point was some sort of closure, and you weren’t even sure that that was such a good idea, anyways.

“Why the hell did you tell Dylan where I was?” You accused instead, ignoring her false accusations, and your voice was beginning to be high-pitched and hysterical, your emotions practically pouring out of you. “You know—you know—what he did to me!”

Chrissy stepped closer to you and Jason flinched, but didn’t move, watching her like a hawk as he trusted you to make your own decisions. Still, he fixed a nasty glare on Chrissy as he watched her, clearly his hate for her no longer being concealed on your account. Not that you could give a fuck, anymore. 

“I just thought—well, you and Dylan were so good together,” Chrissy excused, and you scoffed, your eyes widening because you couldn’t believe the shit coming out of her mouth. She thought you were good together?! You and the man who beat you? “You’ve always been so overdramatic about everything, Y/n, that I thought you’d just overexaggerated some things about your relationship. Dylan was always so nice—there was no way he actually ever hit you, he loved you!”

“Are you fucking kidding me?!” You screamed back, and you knew that the neighbors could probably hear you but you couldn’t really give a shit right now. “Chrissy—you’ve seen him backhand me! You came to the hospital when I had—” You choked out a sob and Jason rushed to you, rubbing your arms comfortingly, his eyes pleading for you to let him handle this. “When I had broken ribs, and a swollen, bruised face and—what the fuck did you think, that I did that to myself?”

Chrissy seemed at a loss for words and, to her very small credit, did actually look a little bit guilty. “I don’t—I don’t know how you got there—”

“No, Chrissy, are you fucking kidding me?” You continued on, your rage beginning to build as you pushed past Jason, staring the person who you could finally see as your bully in the face and defending yourself. “You actually think that I would lie about something like that? You think that that’s the kind of person that I am?”

Chrissy’s nostrils flared and you could tell that you had hit a nerve. “Don’t act like you’re so much better than me, you bitch—”

“Alright, that’s it,” Jason jumped in, pushing himself from off of the wall and stepping in between you and Chrissy. “You’re makin’ my girlfriend upset, and you need to leave. Now.”

“No, none of this would be happening if she would have just heard Dylan out,” Chrissy argued and you turned away from her, hiding your face and your tears. She didn’t deserve them anymore. “He loves her, they were good together—”

“Shut up!” Jason ordered, and the command was so loud and so shocking that Chrissy backed away, eyes wide and appalled. Evidently, no one had ever told her to ‘shut up’ before in her entire life. “You have no right,” Jason continued lowly, his protective stance in front of you becoming even more rigid. “Absolutely no right to be here and say anythin’ to Y/n, ever again. You are not only a horrible friend but you are a horrible person. You brought a man back into her life who abused her—who almost killed her, twice—and that’s not even mentionin’ all of the shitty stuff you’ve done just since I’ve been with Y/n! No, you are the worst person I have ever met, and I refuse to let you put Y/n in any more danger. Get out, and don’t came back! I mean it!”

Chrissy looked close to tears, but she didn’t say anything to Jason. Instead, she peered around him and stared at you, her blue eyes filled with unshed tears as she said, “Seriously, Y/n? Are you seriously going to let this guy that you’ve barely known for a few months talk to me, your best friend, this way?!”

Your heart hurt—it hurt, it hurt so fucking bad—but none of this was your fault and you could finally see that. 

You said nothing. 

Chrissy scoffed, backing away from both you and Jason, shaking her head. Suddenly, her sad, betrayed look turned into a fierce, dangerous look of anger. One you’d seen her wear before to people she truly hated, people whose lives she made miserable. 

Suddenly, you were terrified. Of her. Of whatyou knew that she could do and say about you. 

“You’re going to wish you never let him say those awful things to me,” Chrissy warned lowly, halfway out the front door now. “Because I’m going to ruin you, Y/n. You’ll have nothing. You might want to start looking at switching schools now because I promise you—you will never get another show again. I’m going to destroy your fucking career, you nasty bitch!” 

And with that sweet farewell, Chrissy left with the slam of your front door, leaving you breathless and petrified. She didn’t even give you the pleasure of having the last word. 

You were shaking, and you leaned against the wall for support, every single thing Chrissy could do to you running through your mind. She would probably spread lies about you on campus, get you kicked out of the theatre program, make sure you could never get a spot again. But could it really be that easy for her? And was there anything that you could do? Could you—could you get the jump on her? Call the police? Could the police even do anything about this?

Fuck, you were spiraling now, and you didn’t even know what you could do about it. You didn’t have the necessary tools to deal with this and you didn’t even know how to deal with this right now, after everything that had happened. Your mental space was ridiculously fragile after the past week, and you really weren’t sure that it could handle another hit. Not right now. 

“Y/n, are you—are you alright?” Jason had come up behind you comfortingly and you whirled around on him, vibrating with anxiety, your eyes shaky and afraid.

“Why would you say those things to her?” You questioned, your words coming out far more angry than you’d intended for them to. Jason looked taken aback and he shook his head, gesturing vaguely towards you and the closed door, as if he were confused about your reaction to the situation. 

“Are you seriously mad at me, right now?!” Jason shot back at you, shaking his head when you failed to respond. “‘Why did I say those things’—fuck, well they’re fuckin’ true, aren’t they?” 

“It doesn’t matter if they’re true,” you argued, grasping onto the hem of his shirt for comfort anyways. “She was my only friend!” 

“Yeah, well, with friends like hers, you don’t need any fuckin’ enemies!” Jason responded and you shook your head, knowing he was right, but somehow still unable to calm yourself down enough to speak some sense.

“Nice, Jason, how cliche of you,” you replied instead, knowing that you were the one being immature and crazy right now, but unaware of how to stop yourself from panicking and spiraling even further. 

“I really have no fuckin’ clue why you’re so pissed at me right now!” Jason continued, without any anger or malice, and only confusion. “Why are you pissed at me for standing up to somebody who literally tried to physically harm you?!” 

“I’m mad because Chrissy is entirely unpredictable, Jason!” You screeched, and you knew that at this point, you were only letting your panic get the best of you and that Jason had done nothing wrong. But you needed to get it out. You needed to scream, if only for five minutes. It was the one thing that you felt like you could control. “And that’s her when she isn’t pissed off, and now she is pissed off, so forgive me if I’m fucking terrified and now you made things even worse!” 

“I know you’re only lashin’ out cause you’re scared and you’re stressed,” Jason correctly analyzed, and the fact that he had you figured out so well only pissed you off even more. “It’s a damn good thing you’re cute when you’re angry.”

“Oh, you think I’m cute when I’m angry?!” You shrieked, chasing Jason into the kitchen and pulling his shirt so he looked back at you. He did, his face exasperated but slightly amused. “Well buckle up, Jason, because I’m about to get really fucking gorgeous!” 

“Give me a damn break, Y/n—you know what she did was wrong, and me comin’ to your rescue did you a favor,” Jason asserted and you huffed out angrily, knowing full well that he was right but still irked by the fact that he thought he should be some sort of savior for you right now. 

“For the love, Jason, you’re so ridiculously cocky!” You growled back at him, and you’d advanced on him so much that you had him pinned against your kitchen counter, both of your arms crowding him in as you clutched onto the counter with both hands on either side of him. 

“I’m not cocky!” Jason insisted. “I’m tryin’ to help you!” He was clearly a little bit irritated now, and he leaned his face down to level with yours. His eyes were wide and annoyed, but he was keeping his cool, knowing that you needed to lash out at him until your emotions levelled out. Letting you be mad at him, as irrational as it was, because he knew that you needed to yell at somebody right now. 

“Fuck—why, Jason?!” You screeched back, pushing off from the kitchen counter and throwing your hands up above your headin exasperation. “Why do you even care? Why do you stand up to my mom, and to Chrissy, and fight my battles and try to protect me like I’m just some—” 

“BECAUSE I’M FUCKIN’ IN LOVE WITH YOU, Y/N!” 

Your body froze mid-fight, mid-argument, and your mouth dropped wide open as you stared back at your…your…

What? 

You couldn’t believe what you’d just heard, what Jason had just said. And the weirdest part was—he’d meant it. You could see it in his eyes, right now, the adoration he was looking at you with—the small, relieved smile that was beginning to form on his face as he pushed himself off of the kitchen counter, walking towards you confidently.

“I—” You couldn’t seem to form any other words through how hard your heart was pounding right now, couldn’t seem to think past the storm of conflicting emotions bubbling inside of your chest. “Sorry—what?”

“Yeah, you heard me,” Jason responded optimistically, as if it were as easy to him as breathing. “I’m in love with you. I love you.” And then, without a second thought, he’d grabbed you by the waist and pulled you tightly into him, his lips covering yours anxiously—like he’d been waiting to do just that for months.

Unbeknownst to you, he had.

You responded in kind, reaching up to wind your fingers in his hair and hold his head close to yours, begging every deity that you could think of that he wouldn’t change his mind and pull away. That this was real, that this was happening. 

Your fears were unfounded, because Jason instantly shoved your body up against the wall, his hands that were previously planted on your waist moving their way up your body, one inching underneath your hoodie and your tank top, caressing the skin tenderly underneath, whilst the other planted itself to the back of your head as he kissed you harder. You responded instantly by lifting your leg, hooking it around his hips as you shoved pelvis against pelvis, relishing in the moan that Jason let out into your mouth via his kisses. 

He changed directions, his hand that was caressing your stomach quickly falling down to your ass, gripping it tightly in the palm of his hand as he felt it up. The action felt so damn good that you whimpered into his mouth and he smirked, using the opportunity to push his tongue into your mouth eagerly and you followed suit, the two of you locked in a battle for dominance. You used your leverage to hop up, winding both legs around his waist and Jason quickly caught you, wrapping his arms around your bottom and tilting his head to deepen your kiss.

Your feelings for him were at an all time high, and you could no longer deny how you felt about him. Why should you? He had told you he loved you, and what was stopping the two of you from doing whatever the fuck you wanted now? Heaven knows you loved hi—

A large, loud crash emanating from your bedroom is what ultimately broke the two of you apart, both of you staring at each other with wide, terrified eyes. You slipped out of Jason’s hold and grasped onto his hand as you both looked warily down at the room.

“Fuck,” you whispered, and you were shaking again, but Jason’s grip held you tight, making you feel safe. “Do you think it’s—”

“No, that bastard would be a motherfuckin’ idiot to come back here,” Jason reassured you and you nodded, clutching tightly to his hand as the two of you walked slowly back to the bedroom. It was a relatively small apartment, so only a couple of more steps would get you to the bedroom, but Jason still looked back at you, gesturing for you to stay quiet. You nodded again and the two of you rounded the corner, peering into the seemingly empty room. 

There was a mess in the middle of it now; your trophies and books scattered onto the floor as something had, apparently, collided with your bookshelf. It wasn’t until your eyes wandered down to the floor that you saw him sitting there—brown eyes wide and confused, clad in his military uniform, his signature bucket hat fixed to his head. You gasped, recognizing him instantly, and turned back to Jason—who adorned the same look you were sure was also atop your own face.

“Nicky?”

taglist: @house-of-kolchek @kawaiiwitch224 @inactiveforidk @lorebite @yeslieutenant @kassiekolchek22 @pechvogel @buttermykolchek @emilykolchivans @e-jaegerenthusiast @crazymissy22

[st-just]

For the "send me a character" thing: Harrowhark Nonagesimus!

Character ask meme

favorite thing about them: Just, every part of her that led to the conclusion that trying to assassinate Gideon1 via bone soup ambush was somehow a good idea.

And, like, generally I've got a soft spot for characters who never got told what standards they were supposed to be measuring themselves against, and so continuously nearly kill themselves accomplishing shit everyone else thought was impossible/not worth trying.

least favorite thing about them: I have occasionally seen the idea thrown around that Harrow might potentially be a little bit emotionally repressed.

But seriously for fucks sake just one more honest conversation with Gideon before you start the next round of competitive martyrdom. Please. I'm begging you.

favorite line:

'We're all in this together,' she said, which was a typically Fifth assumption. The Ninth didn't think anyone was in anything together, or, if they were, they all had to disperse as soon as humanly possible to avoid splash damage.

(Off the top of my head, quite likely there are better ones out there)

brOTP: Sextus, her first and at this point quite possibly only friend.

OTP: The same one as every single other person who reads this series? (Is her relationship with Gideon hideously codependent and emotionally unhealthy? Yes, and your point is?

nOTP: I mean Ianthe would be an absolutely hilarious trainwreck, but no.

random headcanon: Honestly thing super comes to mind, I'm afraid.

unpopular opinion: The bit about her relationship with Gideon being a wee bit codependent and unhealthy, probably.

song i associate with them: didn't have one, but on thinking have three that kind of fit for general vibes, so

favorite picture of them: Honestly don't think you can beat the cover art, tbh

[alirhi]

How I'd have done TFATWS pt 1

Okay, I am such a whore for positive attention that, yes, it literally only takes one person expressing interest to get me to do something lol. So, for the lovely @goblin-tea, here is how The Falcon and the Winter Soldier would have gone for Bucky if I'd been a writer on the show!

Also, shoutout to @gunshou, who popped up showing support when I was in the middle of writing this lol 😘

Episode 1: New World Order

I actually love how most of this episode was handled; it's what drew me into the show in the first place, and gave me such hope for the rest of it. Most of the changes that I'd make here are pretty minor, tbh.

I'd specify the setting in some way for Bucky's nightmare. Obviously, since he was there and knows what happened, when, and where he was, it wouldn't be like the setting changes in movies where they slap a big, bold title card over the scene. Still, I'd probably open with a brief establishing shot showing the city skyline or something; some identifying feature so that viewers can work out where this happened without needing a direct statement from Marvel (note: if you need to directly address your audience to clarify something from within your story, you're a bad storyteller). What year did this take place? I show technology from the time; perhaps a dated cell phone in someone's hand. The point is to establish where and when The Winter Soldier killed RJ Nakajima, without detracting from the emotional impact of the scene. Why does it matter? Because we should know why. Why is Bucky dreaming about this particular incident? Was it his last mission before the events of CA:TWS (a theory I see frequently repeated but with no evidence to back it up)? Was it earlier on? Is RJ only on the forefront of Bucky's mind because of his (unhealthy, but we'll get to that) friendship with Yori? How long has Yori been suffering under the weight of his grief?

I would not have had him crash through the wall, btw. As cool as that shot looked, let's try to remember that The Winter Soldier was a ghost story for 70 years. Ghosts don't leave giant gaping holes in hotel walls. I'm not saying brazen wholesale destruction is out of character for him (obviously not. I've seen CA:TWS lmao. many times. this moment lives rent-free in my brain:

found on google without credit; pls lmk if it's yours so I can credit.

but you don't become a "ghost story" if you always leave that much evidence, ijs)

I'd leave the terrible therapy session alone. That scene was beautiful. Beautifully shot; I loved how claustrophobic it felt, and it really did a wonderful job of showing how Bucky felt on the spot, scrutinized, almost put on display for this bitch woman. This scene establishes Raynor as clearly wrong, and an unprofessional mess, and Bucky calls her out on it. I fucking love that!

lmao gods, I love his painfully awkward forced smile... Guys, this episode is fkn great. (betcha weren't expecting so much praise from me, were you? 😂)

"You're free." "To do what?"

👆👆👆 In my show? That would have more of an impact on Bucky's arc. That question would be one of the underlying issues moving his whole story along. Twice in this show, he's told that he's free, but no one addresses what he's free from, much less what he's free to do next.

It's a minor thing, but when Yori tells Bucky to ask Leah out? I'd have Bucky do more than just shake his head in silent horror. Not much more, just something that matters to me as someone who's worked in the service industry for many, many years and dealt with too many creepos: Bucky would flat-out say "she's at work! that's harassment, Yori!"

Yori can still stomp right past that boundary, and Leah can still smile and agree. I just really want someone to verbally acknowledge that you don't fucking ask someone out when they're at work. Ever. Bucky cringing and apologizing puts the power of the conversation back in Leah's hands; it gives her an out to politely decline if she's not interested, and just laugh off Yori's flirting on Bucky's behalf as a senile old man being silly, so I'm actually fine with how this scene turned out. I just would personally have gone that extra inch there for the idiots in the audience who don't get Bucky's subtle "wtf" reaction and why Yori's suggestion was so bad. If someone's livelihood depends on being nice to you, keep your goddamn distance. Flirting with them or asking them out when they're at that big of a disadvantage and have virtually no power to say "no" is harassment.

Here is where I'd make one more subtle change, too. When Yori sees the mochi and is reminded of his son, and tells Bucky about his death, I'd just slip in a time frame. "x years ago, my son was..." blah. (Guys, it really bothers me not knowing when that scene took place rofl can you tell?)

One complaint I've seen a lot online about this show is how it's a bit murky on just how well known Bucky is in-universe. He can walk around Brooklyn with more or less total anonymity, but he's also recognized as "an Avenger" (when he was never actually technically in the group)... but honestly? I think it's actually pretty realistic. Just because someone's famous doesn't mean every single person on the planet knows who they are and what they look like well enough to instantly recognize them on the street. People look different in photos than in person, and pre-Blip, Bucky had the complete Jesus look - long flowing hair and a full beard. In TFATWS he's a little scruffy, but not this:

Sebastian looks like about 10 different men from one moment to the next just irl with a change in haircut, lighting, expression, whether or not he got enough sleep the night before... 😂 I don't really find it hard to believe that people not expecting to bump into an Avenger would have trouble seeing Bucky post-haircut as anything other than just another attractive white guy.

Anyway! Sorry for the segue lol. On to the date!

Earlier in this very same goddamn episode, it is established that Bucky can remotely operate a car with a tablet. This is not a technologically-inept geezer. This is a 30-something nerd who loves new technology, who, yes, is facing a brave new world and a whole lot of new technology, but has never shown any issue picking it up. The crappy flip phone he handed Raynor earlier? a burner to keep her out of what little personal life he does have (we never see it again in the real show, anyway). The "tiger photos" line? Stays, not to show Bucky's floundering ineptitude with technology, but as a little nod to his bisexuality. (don't like it? don't wanna see Bucky as bi? go watch the show and read Skogland's borderline-offensive interviews. This isn't "how I would pander to a homophobic audience" it's "how I would have written it." the "Bucky is bi" interpretation is super fucking common and has been since TFA so bite me 😁)

Tiny nitpick, but I'd also have the Battleship boards actually set up properly lmao. What even was that? Anyway...

I don't think I'd have Leah get all ranty about Yori and RJ. That's not first date talk, for one thing. For another, let's ease up on the beating Bucky and the audience over the head with that one incident in a single episode, shall we? Instead, I'd have her stick with the date questions - she asked his age, asked about his family; I'd have her follow it with questions about what he does for a living (giving us a chance to not only actually have that question answered for us - how the hell does Bucky keep himself from being homeless? lol - but also set up...)

He shuts down a little when she starts asking about his past; she's innocently curious, just trying to get to know him, but he's flinchy and deflects with questions about her. The date is awkward, but doesn't abruptly end with him running away lol. He walks Leah home, like the old-fashioned gentleman he is, goes home, himself, and end on him grimacing in his sleep, in the clutches of another nightmare: not as much detail as the RJ murder scene, we see disjointed, disorienting images of fluorescent lights glinting off of machinery, the occasional shot of Bucky writhing in the chair, a shot of that damned notebook (to remind the dumber audience members why Raynor's passive-aggressive notebook thing was so triggering for him), and we hear echoes of a couple of the trigger words, and Bucky's screams.

[lost-eternity]

Match Up Requests: CLOSED.

Please read the rules before requesting

Match up for: @melancholicbutbeautiful

Okie dokie! I match you with....

The 9th doctor!

I know. This isn't everyone's favourite Doctor. He isnt as cute as the 10th or as puppy-man incarnate as the 11th but hear me out. I think he needs you.

Let's start simple, shall we?

He absolutely adores your height.

Standing at an impressive 182cm (6 feet), the 9th would be all over you. He's got a good 18 cm on you. Fully expect him to be "accidentally" leaning on your head and cracking short jokes at the most inappropriate times.

You're running from Daleks (it's an occupational hazard)? He'd say something along the lines of "hahah! I'm suprised they can even see you down there!" Cue and unamused glare from you. It's like.... we're trying not to die here and NOW you are making a short joke? Seriously?

~

You both probably meet at a museum. One of those quirky wax museums. Life-like historical figures expertly sculpted in wax, their empty eyes somehow full with false life. It combines both your passion for history and art, enabling you to walk up close to these esteemed figures who shaped our society.

But you can't focus on the wax creations, nor the historical excerpts that come with them. Instead, you keep getting this unnerving feeling like your being watched. When you turn around, you catch this one guy staring at you. So you look back at him like ???. And instead of quickly looking away like a NORMAL person would he just continues to stare.

So now things are awkward and your kinda tempted to reach for your keys. You know. Just in case.

And that is when you feel someone grabbing you from behind. Weirdly cold hands wrap around your arm, constricting you in a white-knuckle grip. Spikes of numbness shoot up your arm as the blood circulation is cut off to your hand.

You whirl around to face your attacker and are like ???. Why the HELL is Bob Ross attacking you? Like. What?

That was when the fire alarm began to go off.

Before you could react much, someone full on BEHEADED Bob Ross. He immediately releases you and promptly walks himself into a wall. The now headless wax Bob Ross backs up, then moves forward again. Then hits the wall. Rinse and repeat.

The guy who was staring at you earlier, now clutching the ironically red fire axe. Guess you now know who pulled the alarm.

The expression on this guy is borderline mianical as he Cheshire grinned at you. "Hi! What's your name?"

"Uh... y/n..."

"Nice to meet you, y/n, I am the Doctor. Now. Run!"

He grabs your hand and you charge for the exit, herding everyone else out of the museum as more and more wax figures come to life.

Springing into animation, they kinda slowly amble after you. It's not exactly efficient but it is pretty damn threatening.

This moment lead you into a series of events that eventually concluded in you both accidentally almost blowing up Big Ben to stop and alien hive mind from taking over Earth.... whoops. Not that it mattered to much. Because despite the terror and confusion that seemed to now be perpetually stricken in your mind, you had the time of your life.

But despite your pestering and begging, the Doctor adamantly refused to allow you to tag along on his next adventure. He wouldn't explain why. Instead he just dropped you off at your house, swearing to wipe your memory if you spoke a word of this to anyone.

Of course, you called him out on it, asking him if you could meet the "Men in Black" later.

He wasnt amused by your jab, saying that you reminded him of someone who we couldn't afford to lose again... and then promptly vanished after that

At first you thought you would never see him again. That he was just a phantom that emerged in your life, a chance crossing that never should have been. The moment your life was touched by something bigger... greater than the mundane reality you have been so long trapped it.

It was intoxicating. Addicting.

But as fate would have it, you did meet again. Except this time you weren't saving him from a domineering alien race, or robotic tin cans that sewed a path of destruction. No. You were saving him from himself.

~

Cut off from his own kind, the 9th Doctor was a damaged man, disparagingly grieving over the intense suffering he had witnessed; the destruction he had inflicted on his people as the result of his own actions.

He tore himself up, berated himself. Told himself that he did not deserve to be alive. After all, he was a monster in human skin. Because only a monster could cause the pain he had

The doctor struggled with the idea of isolation, he was the last of the Time Lords, having left the conflict with the excruciating knowledge of his hand in its apparent grisly conclusion and he would react strongly if pushed on the matter.

And for whatever reason, he came to you. You found him delirious and beaten down on your porch step, rambling, hardly making sense of himself and... glowing a little? Wtf?

You took him in, and only did not call for emergency care at his persistence and mumbled pleading. After doing the rather peculiar things he instructed and gave him a few questionable concoctions, the glowing stopped and he checked out.

You were up all night worrying yourself sick over this man. This stranger that you hardly even knew. I guess it is just the kind of person you are.

You were there when he awoke in the morning, calling out for you. At least you think it was you because he never said your name. Instead called for a "Rose". You weren't sure if this "rose" was a person or another wacky demand on his part.

You never did find out exactly what happened to him. From what he would say, he had an encounter with an alien species that really kicked his ass. Although you thought there was something more to it than that. Some more emotional undertones and reconciliation. You also did not understand why he came to you. You hardly knew each other. There was definitely something he was not telling you.

Whenever you asked who Rose was, he merely dismissed you or cracked a joke about your height. If you continued to press the matter, he would quickly get very snappy and drop his energized, maniacal façade.

It was after this moment that the Doctor agreed to allow you on the TARDIS with him. And you officially became his traveling companion. However. It was never all sunshine and rainbows. Although it was a rare occurrence, the Doctor would occasionally slip up and call you "Rose" again. He would always act like nothing happened and deny it if you brought it up. It was clear that this Rose person had a major impact on his life so... what happened to her?

~

So. I think you would be wonderful with the 9th Doctor because of your empathy and compassion. You unconditional understanding and empathic nature would definitely be unnerving for the Doctor at first. He feels like he does not deserve a person like you in his life. You are too good and pure. He fears that he will hurt you. So he pushes you away like he always does.

And this is why he needs you. I beleive that you would not stop pursuing him. Healing him. Your compassion and life would be what slowly seals up the wounds of his past and his own self-inflicted hatred.

He will finally be able to see his own worth because of you. And that was the primary reason I had for matching the 9th doctor with you. He is the one who needs someone like you the most.

Also. While you are genuinely empathic and loving, you will not allow yourself to be walked over. As you two grow closer, the 9th doctor will greatly appreciate your quips and sarcasm as it mirrors his own. You wont always be lost and confused like most of his companions end up being. Instead, you manage to keep pace with him. It's refreshing for him, honestly. And he will enjoy the playful banter exchanged between the two of you.

Also your dreams to travel align perfectly with the Doctor's noncommittal wanderlust shared by every single one of his incarnates. Your appreciation for other cultures and ways of life is something he can deeply relate to and will have a blast showing you more subtle cultures that may have otherwise bored his previous traveling companions.

~

Actually, as you two travel the universe together, you slowly grow closer and closer. The doctor begins to develop a kind of dependency on you. Because he only ever feels worthy of this love when he is around you.

Isolation really messes with his psyche. He can't handle being alone with his own thoughts. They constantly remind him of the pain he had caused, jeering and taunting him. They tell him that he will just run away from you. Like he always does.

He probably will try.

Don't think he will get far.

As he opens up to you, he finally tells you about Rose. Who she was. What she meant to him (I'm making this an AU where Rose died somewhere along the way).

And the realization is painful.

You dont just REMIND him of Rose. He is PRETENDING that you are Rose. Because for him that is much easier than coming to terms with her death.

I mean. Can you blame him? You look so much like her. Even down to your height.

All of those height jokes were made because of the way he used to tease Rose.

Your hair, your eyes, even your personality is a painful reminder of her. Which is why is tried to abandon you the first time. It is also why he showed up at your house when he got hurt.

He was running on empty and just instinctually went to the place he knew he would be the safest. At your house. With the person he sees as Rose Tyler.

Honestly it's not psychologically healthy.

So now you have a choice.

Do you want to remain with the guy who is clearly still hung up over his ex? Going so far as to convince himself that you ARE Rose? Or do you think you can work with him. Help him. Heal him and allow him to reconcile with not only her death, but the deaths of his own kind.

I guess that decision is up to you...

Aaand, I am done! Whew. Sorry that one ended on such a downer. Haha. But most of the Doctors are psychologically traumatized and their coping mechanisms are super unhealthy. I would feel like I am betraying his character if I did not find some way to portray that. Anyways. I hope you enjoyed 😁. I had fun writing it.

[yenrz1314]

LET’S (attempt to) FIX/REWRITE KH 358/2 DAYS

Let me preface this: I love Roxas, Xion, and Axel A LOT. I have been thoroughly blinded by nostalgia as much as you have and I don’t really care. I’ll continue to love them even after I’m finished destroying their game here. Keep in mind I’m not hatin’. And, fun fact, I think that Days is perhaps the best written game in the series regarding character writing. Still doesn’t mean I think it’s actually good though.

I’m going to start off saying something kind of controversial. Axel, Roxas, and Xion weren't that great of friends. 

Yes they were the best friends that they ever had, but when you're constantly surrounded by the melancholic mundane, any sort of friendship is the great friendship. They weren't that great at being friends to each other because they dealt with conflict in the most incompetent way possible. As far as I know, there was barely any communication whatsoever between them, which is really disappointing because Roxas is like the most understanding person ever. Most of their conversations concerned small talk. Not necessarily boring small talk, but small talk.

I really wish we could at least have gotten a talk between Xion and Roxas when he was on that mission to chase her down before Axel came in and knocked her out. The only real communication about Xion’s situation is between her and Axel, and we rarely get to see any camaraderie between her and Roxas. We do see a decent amount between Roxas and Axel but I’ll just attribute to the fact that they’ve existed as characters longer than Xion has.

Xion’s inherently pretty bad at communicating. To Roxas especially. Even though Axel tried to talk her down, she didn't really explain herself much. Axel honestly had to figure it out himself.

If Days gets remade I hope to death that we have at least one scene of Roxas and Xion having more meaningful talks. Alone. They were close. Its just that Xion kept stonewalling, and Axel would always be dodgy with his answers, which makes you question if they’re truly all that close. I mean, you wouldn’t just not tell one of your best friends anything about something you’re really struggling about.

Though I guess you can’t blame them since they had no memories of their past and were learning based off of watching those around them, and they did live with the organization

And to be fair, you’re a part of an organization with a leader the answers basic questions like “Who is Sora?” with vague af answers like "the connection".

Also they’re stupid teenagers. I’m already giving them the benefit of the doubt.

Honestly I would normally be fine with her lack of communication and accept it as an character flaw.  In fact, under normal circumstances, it would be a reason for me to be invested in her character. But the truth is that we don't see enough scenes of him and Xion having meaningful bonding time for me to be accepting of that lack of communication. There was that one absolutely adorable scene of Roxas and Xion on the clocktower discussing about how much they worry about each other...but the rest of the time they spent together is superficial, mostly consisting of just kind of empty small talk. It’s kind of rare that we see them actually talk about their relationship and/or any chemistry. A lot was just them sitting next to each other eating ice cream or on missions and we did have a lot of skips of one of them being asleep or missing.

The main problem KH has in its writing is that it really likes to display the cute little quirks or tressings of a relationship but absolutely fails to write any core to that relationship. Like, for example, the seashells they leave for each other when they’re sleeping is absolutely precious, but there’s not that much of a core dynamic between these characters that this really cute character interaction can be built upon. And in the end, but just because something is tragic doesn't mean it has substance

Because Days doesn't give me enough meat of writing to bite into, it just ends up as a frustrating tale of Roxas just being confused the whole time. Sure, Roxas is the main character, but he literally has almost no agency throughout the entire game. And I find that pretty insulting to his character. This guy is literally one of the most well written in the series. And no, I’m not pulling the ‘xion’s a mary sue stealing the spotlight’ card. I’m totally fine with her existing, but dang if I had the opportunity to change ONE THING about Days I would totally rewrite the cutscene Fracture on day 298, the day when Xion was captured.

So the original scene goes like this: Roxas tracks her down, asks her to come back, he tries to comfort her, asking why she won’t come back to him. She just says "I can't" and GETS SCARED WHEN THE MOST TRUSTED PERSON IN HER LIFE REACHES OUT TO HER. Okay. breathe. I understand if she’s scared. It’s a bit of a stretch, yes, if we take into account that she’s in the depths of emotional turmoil trying decide between her friends or Sora. I understand if she really doesn’t want to go back to the organization. My problem is that Roxas really doesn’t pose a threat to her at all here.

But then again, it could be that Xion’s a very delicate person, emotionally. And that she’s easily disturbed and is flighty. BUT THE THING IS: We don’t see this anywhere else. Days, as is, doesn’t really do a good job of establishing Xion’s personality at all anyways. So we can throw that excuse out the window.

BUT. BUT BUT BUT. THE ABSOLUTE WORST WAS WHEN SHE TURNED HER KEYBLADE ON ROXAS.

SERIOUSLY I would have totally been fine with everything up to this point except her turning on him like that

Again, he is literally no threat to her at all! I can understand her being scared, but he didn’t threaten to take her back or yell at her or anything

Like why. Why isn’t she willing to tell him anything about the truth about her existence. It's not like she's trying to keep it a secret. I understand how jarring it must have been for her to have that sort of existential crisis knowing that she’s just a puppet created to copy...But telling Roxas absolutely nothing is ridiculous. ESPECIALLY because Roxas was the one who always was breaking his back for her. He was the one who first approached her to join him at the clock tower, he was always trying to reach out to her, understand her. Heck, even when Xion was the aggressor, both times in Fracture and in the final battle, Roxas still sees her as the victim, the one who was in the right, and it's both very sweet and a bit unhealthy that he views her in such a positive light. He always does his best to give her the benefit of the doubt. And this is clearly shown in his actions.

I would rewrite it like this:

Keep everything the same up to the point right before she turns on him. She walks away and he stops her and everything, but after that she stops and thinks for a moment. And she asks quietly for him to let her go. Roxas, of course, let's her go because he's freaking Roxas

And she tries explaining to him what's going on in a very roundabout way, for the sake of being consistent with her established character. I'm not asking for her to explain it word for word. She's as flighty as a deer. I understand her not being direct. And then Roxas tries talking to her how they could work this out. Hell, this would be the PERFECT TIME to incorporate that scene from the manga when Roxas proposes they run away together. Xion is shocked and ask if he is serious, and he says yes. And THAT'S when Axel comes in and stops the party, and everything plays out the same till the end of the cutscene.

Also if this writing was implemented, then that would be a payoff point. The pacing in Days’ story is kind of whack, and adding a breakthrough moment like this would be super satisfying to the viewer.

Also it makes sense that Axel would come in then because he can't just accept both of his friends leaving like that. In the og game, Axel pretty much just let his two best friends walk away from him.  The only time he shows any protest is when he is ordered by his superiors to go after them. Xion in particular. Sure this works, as it’s implied that Axel is respecting his friends’ autonomy by letting them go.

But maybe we could make it better by having Axel go through a mini arc where he accepts his friends' departure with a bit of a struggle. You’ll see more below.

The only change that would have to be made is that the organization would have to actively keep Roxas and Xion apart to keep them from conspiring together. Or when they're together, always have a third party member to keep a watchful eye. I’m guessing this would mean no more ice cream time either. For now.

Xion’s communication is just a trickle the first few days, but over time it slowly opens up, gradually telling more as they interact when they have the occasional mission together. She would mutter things like 

“The organization is keeping so much from us, Roxas…” 

or telling snippits like that when the third party member/chaperone isn’t watching.

Eventually, the organization takes note of this and orders for the two to be kept completely separate at all times, and Axel knows that this will absolutely kill their friendship so he does a solid by confronting Saix about it to propose a compromise. He’s like: 

"I'm a trusted member of this organization. Hell, I brought them back for you.  So how about this: I'll watch them for you instead" 

And Saix accepts that compromise. And the result of that compromise is that we get more trio missions, something we ALL LOVED. And also those would be opportunities for them to talk. ALL THREE OF THEM

Okay so the three talk on missions and at the clocktower again, Xion knows her purpose and desperately wants to leave. She won’t disclose Riku or Namine's location. Axel protests fiercely to the thought of her leaving. Meanwhile Roxas is trying to mediate as always, but he leans more towards helping Xion leave at least. However, he would still show how he emotionally would rather have her stay. He has an internal struggle when Xion tries to explain their connection with Sora and how they need to go back during a few talks with them alone that Axel allows. She needs to be the one who tells him he needs to come back to Sora.  Someone who he trusts and can help him through this process. Not a stranger like Riku or Namine.

And then this time of communication all abruptly comes to a halt when the Org. starts pitting Roxas and Xion against each other in missions. Also, let's have Xion be less heartless to Roxas here and not be so eager to leave. Of course, she desperately still wants to, but Roxas is her anchor keeping her there. She knows that it'll all be for naught if Roxas doesn't go with her anyways. Also she doesn't want to hurt him by just leaving like that. She cares.

So, back to the rewrite, the talks stop when the organization starts pitting roxas and Xion against each other in those missions. Axel stops them like he did originally, and they have a talk about how crazy ridiculous this all is. Roxas agrees with Xion and Axel agrees too but hides it because he's a coward and is the org's lapdog, and just tries as hard as he can to keep them together. Roxas is dismayed that his existence is possibly ending, but at the same time agrees with Xion that this is all crazy. Axel shuts them down for the day. 

And the next day is the day Xigbar, Axel and Xion go on that mission.

But instead of Xion jumping ship, Riku comes in to take Xion, kidnapping her without a fight because he knows he can't take survive one against two other org. members. Axel doesn't do anything to stop her because he's accepted it at this point. Also seeing Xion as Ven really made him realize the gravity of the situation.

This really upsets Roxas because he thinks Xion was taken against her will. Axel doesn’t have the heart to tell him about Xion’s current extremely unstable state. And this sets him off since he's been putting up with so much BS at this point and he runs away as originally written as well as to search for Xion, because he knows the org. will never let him look for her himself. Everything plays out the same after that.

 On the clocktower where Roxas and Xion meet, there's one change. When she shows him that she's almost Sora, she *explains* as best as she can what’s happened to her, since she’s under the control of the org. now. She makes him realize that it's inevitable that she must die or she'll cease to be herself. And then they fight as originally scripted, Roxas’ motive for fighting being that there still might be a chance for them to go on if he finishes things himself.

When the fight is over and she begins to die, Xion's final request is that he join back with Sora. That is were it this all leads and she knows it. We're changing that because in the original she, when Roxas and Riku are fighting, for some dumb reason, retracts her final wish???? Like… that's got to be one of the most contrived things in this story.

Also I'd like to cut that dumb pointless plot device that Roxas forgets who Xion is right after finishing his final battle with her, Because by golly did the writing team really want Roxas to be as clueless as possible even as his best friend is dying. Geez wtf.

Honestly, you can keep the memory loss, just please make it so that he remembers her SOONER, so they can actually COMMUNICATE AND SO THAT HE CAN ACTUALLY SAY GOODBYE.

FUACK.

“Promise me...you’ll come back...to Sora. That way...we can be together again...”

Or something like that, make me cry more. 。ﾟ(ﾟﾉД｀ﾟ)ﾟ｡

But then what would Roxas’s motive be for going back to The World That Never Was and fighting Riku then? Just wait a moment and hold on to your seat because I’m going to take the original situation and make it even more badass AND make it work with my rewrite.

Also this blog is finally almost done good job for making it this far.

Let's have Roxas know about the heartless nobody cycle. He can have learned this after maybe sifting through the organization’s research files or something. It wouldn’t be hard to stick it in the story somewhere. 

What was the most heartwrenching thing about Roxas’s final day in the real world? I would say his rage, grief, and desperation over his entire life. So let’s take that, and multiply it by a couple dozen times. After Xion's death, his motive to destroy the organization will be more about his rage at the unjust way he was treated. Him and Xion. They messed up his and his friends’ lives.

“Well if I die, then whatever I'll just go back to Sora. Kill two birds with one stone.”

Regardless of however you write Days, angsty, bloodthirsty Roxas is a requirement. It’s what makes Roxas Roxas. And as a result his grief is amplified tenfold. He doesn't even care about preserving his own life anymore.

And Riku confronts him. Asks him what the hell he's doing. He tells him he's going to fuck up the organization. And Riku's like ‘don't be stupid they'll just capture you and hold you hostage to keep Sora from waking’

Roxas looks at him, points one of his keyblades towards him.

"You don't know that." 

"I'll end every single one of them before they get the chance. You want me to prove it..? WELL HERE'S MY PROOF!” 

AND THEN HE FREAKING STRIKES,

AND THAT’S THE FIGHT

And let's hammer in the fact that Roxas is his own freaking person. Instead of the line "C'mon Sora! I thought you were stronger than that!" from Riku, instead he says to Roxas something akin to this:

"C'mon Sora...I know you're stupid, but not to this extent!"

And then Roxas doesn't give him a Sora-ish line.

“You’re the one calling me by the wrong name.”

Riku sits defeated and despondent on the ground.

"...Why...? It's not supposed to be this way...Sora..."

This breaks a nerve in Roxas.

"This again?! I'm me. NOBODY ELSE. Get that through YOUR thick head!"

And the rest is history...

..................

THAT’S THE REWRITE KIDS.  YOU’RE FINALLY FINISHED READING THIS RIDICULOUSLY LONG BLOG. THANK YOU FOR READING \o/

Fun fact, this was all borne out of a late night discord chat with a friend of mine.

Edit: this is the headcanon for what happened in Days now. Goodnight.

[michaeljacksonlighterpost]

Elaboration on all the bad stuff; an explanation as to why I need help.

I've never done this before and my adhd brain is really making it a struggle to hit on all my points in an organized way... so I'm just making a bulleted list. I hope that's fine.

(Note: I already explained why I'm homeless in the original post but if you want me to elaborate on that mess of an event please dm me)

Anyways, here's a list of expenses and the series of unfortunate events that have befell me.

I haven't been able to see a spine doctor since I had spinal surgery:

💚 I had spinal surgery for scoliosis when I was 16 & haven't been able to attend any of my follow-up appointments since due to 1) the passing of my mother (primary caregiver, a woman who did literally everything for me), 2) a lack of transportation, and 3) a lack of any sort of medicare or medicaid. I'm working to get it renewed so I can go but it may take time being the confused teen I honestly am. Anyways, around a month ago chronic pain has been revisiting me and I don't know why. It's really scaring me and making me paranoid given my prior severe scoliosis. Having money to see a doctor (if any charges do actually pop up, they may not though?) will help give me a little peace of mind in regards to my spinal health.

I desperately need to see a dentist and orthodontist (the whole works):

💚 They found a tumor-like cyst in my jaw during one of my last few dental appointments and advised me to get it looked at asap. This was 2 or almost 3 years ago 😬 but again, I have no insurance, no transportation, and no parent to help me figure this kind of stuff out. It's called an odontogenic keratocyst (OKC) if you're interested in looking into it.

Anyways, this particular issue makes me super anxious on a daily basis. Anytime I think about it I go into an existential crisis, ngl (I might have some sort of medical anxiety?? Like hypochondriasis, idk).

They informed me it was benign but when considering other factors, like my various dermatitis issues (which I'll try to explain eventually) as well as scoliosis, it suggests I may have a medical condition that makes me more prone to tumors in general (benign or malignant/cancerous) as well as various skin cancers. If this were the case, I believe it would be labeled "nevoid basal cell carcinoma [or Gorlin] syndrome" Again, in case any of you want to look into it.

I'm mentally ill and can't afford therapy:

💚 As the prior bullets sort of suggest, I feel fairly confident I have an anxiety disorder, adhd, and maybe even some form of bipolar disorder. I don't feel comfortable elaborating too much on the subject when it's all my own speculation, but with that being said, I also don't dismiss my beliefs or feel they're very farfetched. When you're poor and can't afford counseling or therapy, you usually self-diagnose by default.

But yeah, I've taken psychology coarses and I also have a tendency to over-research/ruminate on various topics... And I'm pretty darn sure I have a handful of mental health issues I should get checked out for.

Luckily for me, I've worked hard to understand myself and nip most of my unhealthy tendencies in the bud, but I'd still love (and /need/) to go to therapy.

I have a lot of issues I need to work through beyond the basics I mentioned; I was physically and verbally abused throughout my life by family and had to grown up in very scary, toxic households. Everyday I wake up grateful I wasn't polluted/corrupted by my family and chose to diverge my path from theirs yet, I also still have panic attacks at night reliving the trauma and still occasionally sob myself to sleep.

I don't wish to dive any further into the subject in this post but I can try to explain it all further in my dms maybe? I'd prefer not to, but I am capable if you're someone who ends up contributing to this post (by reblogging, boosting, donating, or whatever).

Moving on, I'd like to reiterate I'm doing better and don't wish to worry anyone extremely with my words👆👌👍 (she says making a desperate mutual aid post lmao)

I was (somewhat) forced into sex work:

💚 I've had to sell "content" (the sexual kind) for food & other necessities before. It's not something I'm ashamed of nor something that I entirely dislike but it has put me in many uncomfortable situations - situations where I've been taken advantage of &/or scammed; situations where I've been really tired or depressed but I knew I had to act in front of a camera in order to survive; situations where I've likely served as a loophole for, and enabled, pedophiles. I, for the most part, was legal age while doing so but I think many of you out there still see how problematic the scenario remains. It is what it is, and I'll likely continue to do whatever it takes to stay afloat but any money you can offer would really help insure my mental and physical safety. I really don't want to feel forced to continue living like this anymore.

I need a pair of glasses asap:

💚 Next bad thing going on in my life right now: my glasses broke recently and I can't afford to get them repaired or get new ones. Luckily my bf & I have a close prescription so he was able to lend me one of his pairs, but still. As most know, it's not good to use someone else's glasses and I really need to get my own pair.

Old, broken phone I use for everything:

💚 Lastly, except it's not truly the last reason (I just need more time to expand on all the other bullshit): the phone I own now I've had since middle school. It is 6 or so years old (not counting it's prior usage before being refurbished). It is extremely cracked & has a broken charger port but I choose to keep it since it's still functioning alright. I'd prefer a new one though, and I would like to be able to afford data for it (I only use wifi at the moment). I don't want anything to special- honestly I'd be fine buying a new version of the same model or some other relatively cheap LG phone.

^^ Here's pics of my phone & how I have to charge it. The charger is an external universal battery charger. It takes hours to charge & only goes up to 80% max.

I NEED MONEY SO I DONT BECOME HOMELESS OR GET FORCED BACK INTO AN ABUSIVE HOUSEHOLD

My name is Franny and I just turned 18 not too long ago.

Two years ago my mom abruptly and untimely passed away, forcing my ill-prepared 20 y/o brother to become my caregiver and making me an orphan.

Long story short, neither of us knew what we were doing and child protective services never intervened so I ended up becoming ward of the state. I have no insurance and I don't recieve social security benefits from either of my dead parents. I've tried to reach out to the ss office over the phone but few people have been able to assist me due to my age and the complicated nature of my situation. I was advised to talk to someone in person about my situation but all offices near me have been closed due to the pandemic. Now I feel more scared for my future because 1) I don't know if I'll be able to obtain back pay 2) I have no savings and 3) my brother gave up caring for me, leaving me with no other family to turn to and essentially making me homeless if it weren't for my boyfriend's family.

However it is becoming more and more clear over time that my boyfriend's parents can't afford to take care of me nor do they want to. As my situation evolves and progresses, I am becoming more & more fearful I'll be on the street due to the strain all of this has put on my relationship.

I'm only 18. I do not want to feel forced to stay romantically involved with a boy for stability. Please help me.

I can for sure accept money via venmo or zelle and I may try to make a cashapp or paypal if necessary (or anything else). Please please please dm me if you can help asap. I'm sorry if any of this sounds selfish or makes me appear lazy, I know many other people are also struggling right now. This was simply my last resort.

I'm going to reblog with additional details regarding what I need money for and why it is so urgent. Just had to finally put this out there as a start.

[minomoron]

Heya mino-san~ I need help and would u help me? >

hey there buddy! 

I can with a 98% probability assure you that every artist (doesn’t matter if beginner or pro) will get depressed about their art at some point. This might not comfort you but it is a universal sign that shows us that nearly everone who draws constantly wants to get better. And you definitely will. All it takes is time and, of course, practise. But the fact that you’ll get better and achieve the skills you want to have is cast in stone. Sometimes it helps to keep this in mind while drawing/practising.

Honestly, drawing is fucking hard. Occasionally  you spend hours on your art without a desired outcome, you don’t get the recognition you hoped for or  you start to dislike yourself because “why can’t I draw this while so many others can?” right? It’s difficult to stay motivated when it goes like this. I myself hate nearly everything I draw after I uploaded it somewhere (or not, sometimes it’s so bad i don’t even post it haha)... so, how do people stay motivated even tho they suffer setback after setback. Truth be told, I don’t know. For me it’s probably self-propulsion, for someone other it might be friends/family/loved ones? For still others it might be feedback they get? What it’s for you tho, you might need to find out yourself but if you sticked with art to this point, you’re on an already pretty good way I would say. 

Regarding the coloring part it may have to do anything with the color space you’re working with? For web you should work in sRGB. Usually you can change it under “color settings”. For print it’s better to work in CMYK, because printer can only print in CMYK. Or it might have to do anything with your screen? I once adjusted my screen in the wrong way and after printing things out I noticed that nearly 50% of the colours just vanished.

So this is kinda long and I firmly believe I’m not the right person to talk about staying motivated to do things (cause I have a somewhat unhealthy approach on this) but nevertheless I hope this helped you a little?

OH and also here is a super old sketch I did in my “beginning anime phase”, as you can see, everyone is at some point a beginner, just keep in mind that you will get better :-)

[hoe-imaginess]

I don't know if you've done something like this before but do you think Tobirama would be a good s/o?

Ooooo okay. This could have been a yes or no question and I could have left it at that but y’all know me with my unnecessarily extensive posts so this is going under the cut

To put it simply for those who don’t wanna read all this: No. He wouldn’t be. 

And I think the fact it’s plainly obvious that he’s my favorite Naruto character should erase any suspicions of me being unfairly bias when I say that. I’m not just saying it because he’s an asshole

In fact—and I don’t mean to dig at people—but a majority of the time, I see others write him off as being a 100% jerk and give no more thought to it. I guess that’s just natural given how he’s portrayed a majority of the time in the anime and manga, but I do see a different side of him. There’s more to the asshole exterior. I think there’s more potential there for his character if you look close enough. That in mind, I still don’t think it’s enough credibility to mark him as a good s/o but anywayyyyyy

In essence, if you can handle Tobirama’s brash attitude and his ignorance then okay yeah, he might still be a good s/o in your eyes. It’s just not going to be an entirely healthy relationship. Just a personal disclaimer though: I don’t think it’s easy to have a completely healthy relationship. I just don’t. I’m not saying it’s impossible or unheard of, but it’s just not easy. Obstacles will be in the way and I think especially in the shinobi world, and during Tobirama’s time in the founders era when contention was high even after Konoha’s establishment, you have to expect there to be setbacks in a relationship. Unfortunately, those setbacks are almost second nature when it comes to a relationship with Tobirama. 

Of course I love imagining Tobirama with a s/o because I think he deserves one (even if this post implies otherwise) but I think when it comes down to it, and if Naruto verse has implicated as such, he’d just work better without one. Work comes before anything else. Even if he really loved a s/o, that’s going to be a hard reality to accept at times. Even if it’s his pre-Hokage days, he was still dealing with Hashirama. And before that, the warring time. He’s always been busy. I don’t think there was ever a point in Tobirama’s life where he found free time to pursue a relationship. Which is why my favorite scenario for Tobirama is an arranged marriage AU. I personally just see that as one of the only ways you’re getting Tobirama in a relationship. Otherwise, if it was a casual relationship, and even if he really liked you, it would just be so difficult. He prioritizes work, blows the lid on his temper way too easily, and doesn’t have a sensitivity chip. If you’re a sensitive person, then Tobirama is not for you. When he’s angry, he doesn’t hold back. And there’s no saying he’s going to apologize for what he did either, in extreme cases

Let’s just take a play by play on this, I guess:

Tobirama is controlling. I’ve probably said that in other headcanons before, but he is. His intentions are to protect you and keep you out of harm’s way because really, he’s just protective. But he doesn’t always execute it well. You’ll feel constantly stifled and pressured by him to do what he wants, and when he wants. He gives you a hard time when you try to be independent or brush off his counsel

His pride is also a very big obstacle. He’ll do anything to save his pride. Whether that’s refusing to admit his guilt and consequently blaming you for mistakes/arguments even if they were definitely his fault, or, not showing you any affection because he’s afraid it will peg his pride. So if he’s constantly giving you a hard time and not compensating by showing you that he actually cares, you get pretty tired of it. It’s only expected. However, I will say that when it comes to reassuring you of his feelings and showing you that affection you need, he will do it eventually. You just have to wait for it. But that’s also a hassle. It gets draining after a while. The cycle of “why is he being so mean to me then trying to make up for it without even saying sorry?” just kinda sucks

He’ll yell at you a lot if he’s in a mood. For the smallest of mistakes. He’ll yell at you in public too like Tobirama doesn’t care. He yells at everybody. Goes back to his temper problem. I wouldn’t be surprised if Tobirama could make even the most strong-willed, callous s/o cry. He’ll make you cry a lot if you’re the type who cries easily. Even if you’re not the type, tbh. You know when someone yells at you/snaps at you and it bothers you for days? That’s what Tobirama will do to you if he’s in a volatile mood. Even if he’s not yelling at you, that cold glare and those sharp eyes are just scary when he’s irritated or when he’s talking down to you. Oh and condescending you: definitely a thing he could do. Tobirama can put you down a lot if he’s in a vindictive mood

So in general yeah he can be a huge asshole and being with him can 100% lead to an unhealthy relationship… But maybe in the beginning it would be okay? When he’s getting used to the relationship and actually trying to be a nice guy so he doesn’t intimidate you. But at some point, Tobirama just stresses out with work and he finds his train of thought focusing only on that work. Anything can set him off. Anything can irritate him. The arguments will be constant. You already know Tobirama is combative and will argue about literally anything, so it’s too easy to get into arguments with him. In some extreme cases, it would be abnormal to go a day without arguing

All this being said, I do have to give Tobirama some credit, if you can forgive him after all of this:

It might just depend on who his s/o is. What kind of person they are and how they react to him. If his s/o is passive and not combative at all, it’s easier for him to see the error of his ways and apologize for his behavior. That might not be enough compensation of course, but he feels incredibly guilty and knows he’s not being fair. In general, his mood might be more placid and you can avoid the arguments and tension. He’s actually pretty pleasant aside from the occasional attitude when he’s stressed

With a hardheaded s/o who also has an attitude and will argue in circles with him, it riles him up even more and the angrier he is, the farther that empathy and sensitivity to see the error of his ways is pushed. It takes a longer time for him to come around and apologize. It also takes a while for the frustration to go away and for the guilt to set in. Like I said, Tobirama will feel guilt for all he’s done eventually. Heavy, painful guilt. He doesn’t like hurting his s/o. He can’t help the way he is. He wishes he was different but he’s been like this for too long. It’s just with a stubborn and combative s/o (which let’s be fair: it’s natural you’d want to defend yourself when Tobirama gets snappy) he can’t really see past his anger when he’s in one of his moods, so it just makes the relationship so much more difficult. It’s with this kind of s/o that you’d see all the obstacles arise

I’m always in angsty moods, but when I’m in particularly angsty moods, I like to imagine that Tobirama is constantly afraid his s/o is going to leave him. Every time he fucks up and starts yelling at them or arguing with them about something, there’s an alarm going off in his head that says “Stop right now you idiot, or they’re going to pack up and leave you when this is over” but his anger fuels him and he can’t stop. He has to have the last word. He has to be right and he has to prove you wrong 

And one fatal flaw with Tobirama, is that although when you look at him you wouldn’t think he’s the type who could ever feel deep, deep compassion for another human being, when and if Tobirama finds someone he really cares about—loves, even—it’s so difficult for him to live without them. He just can’t see himself not being with them from that point on. They serve as a reminder that life isn’t all work and strain, but there’s good things in life too. They ground him. Which is why I think having a s/o would benefit Tobirama in a lot of ways. The compassion he feels for them just shifts his perspective on a lot of things. It’s that sentiment that drives the guilt when he upsets them, and leads him to try and make up for it in the end, even if he knows they might not forgive him. But he doesn’t want them to get tired of him. They could go find someone else who treats them a lot better, and he knows that. And it makes him panic sometimes. So he’d try hard to keep his temper under wraps and to be fair with his s/o, but sometimes, it’s just not possible. That’s just the kind of man Tobirama is

I’m so fucking extra sorry but basically yeah Tobirama has his ups and downs, leaning more toward the downs if he clashes easily with his s/o. ALSO to make it clear: I’m not trying to romanticize unhealthy relationships. If I were in a bad relationship w Tobirama Senju I would leave his ass on the spot. I would encourage anyone to lmao. I’m just saying that there are ways to work around a relationship with him and that he’s not completely heartless, which is why although I don’t think he would be a for sure good s/o, he wouldn’t be downright bad. He’d deeply care about a s/o if he found someone he liked, it’s just a matter of how you handle the relationship. And really, I think the way his and his s/o’s personalities mixed would really determine if he was ‘super volatile and cold’ Tobirama, or ‘decent and relatively pleasant’ Tobirama. 

Signed, 

The admin who thinks way too much about this on a daily basis

[inktae]

oh you actually don't need protein supplements or extra shakes even when you are vegan bc (unless your diet REALLY is horrible) you should already have quite a saturated amount of proteins in you when eating a balanced diet! we only need 0.5 g minimum to 1g protein maximum per body weight pound (e.g if you way 110 pounds that's 110g of protein max.) and it's rather easy to reach that mark without extra supplements. (1)

(2) i know that fitness instructors always try to sell protein bars/shakes but a friend of mine helped her mum out in her doctor's office and found out that a lot of people have an incredibly high amount of protein in their urine bc they oversaturated their bodies with supplements, thinking that it would be healthy which is definitely not the case :/ anyways 100g of lentils already have 13g of protein in them so just think about all the veggies you could mix and match! you will be fine^^

(3) oh but if you occasionally plan on replacing let's say breakfast with a vanilla shake (after a workout or something) then it's a different story i suppose haha all i wanted to tell you is that you do not need protein supplements in ADDITION to a well-balanced diet :) this goes for most vitamins except for vitamin D and B12 i'd say but i still need to conduct more research... sorry if this is long. but i wouldn't mind if you'd occasionally tell us about your experiences - if u want to ofc ~

this is super super insightful!! thank you for the tips anonie, I’m going to screenshot this so I don’t forget about it. and yeah I suppose some vegan / vegetarian diets can easily turn unhealthy because of all the junk food - but fortunately i don’t think I can afford expensive vegan ice creams and the like ahaha, so I have to stick to natural products whether I like it or not :’D and yes, I’m sure I’ll post every few weeks since that will probably help me stick to my goals as well (so I can look back on my posts and be proud of myself, hopefully!! though like a few people said already I will try not to be too strict on myself)