#but it's break! which means that usually i'd be up at around 9 am

[katierosefun]

pros of waking up earlier in the morning: wow i’m getting so much work done. i have so much time for the rest of the day. what do you mean i’m already almost done with this assignment it’s not even noon yet?

cons of waking up earlier in the morning: i have to actually wake up early in the morning

[alpydk]

So BPD/EUPD (my essay)

I said I'd make a post - Not BG3 related in any way, so ignore if you're not interested in that. - Warning it's long. -

Also TW (sui, s/h, MH...etc...)

BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) / EUPD (Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder)

I only got diagnosed in 2022 - late for most who get this, but looking over my life, there are a lot of big red flags that show I should've got diagnosed earlier. Going to be from my life with it, can't speak for the others with it, so hey, this is how it is for me. Like all illnesses - It's A sPeCTruM!

So I'm EUPD type Borderline under the DK rules. Some argue there is this 4 types things but there's no research at all here for it. They treat with meds (useless for me I've found) and DBT (basically used for mental illness, it feels like.) - I am raw dogging life thanks to circumstance which explain why I can be a little tetchy at times.

To be diagnosed, you must fulfil 5 of the 9 criteria below (which honestly feel so fucking vague and overlap with so many other conditions basically anyone could be diagnosed it feels like.) There are a number of people who find they're actually AuADHD / CPTSD etc and yeah, BPD can be a problem once it's on your file, so find a good doctor who knows their shit. This is not a fun condition to have. Around 10% of people with BPD are estimated to die by suicide, a rate far higher than the average. - Fun right!

The 9 criteria are:

Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment (Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behaviour covered in Criterion 5) - For me, I cut people off instantly or even before I get to know them. It is simply easier to be alone than risk being abandoned. Backwards isn't it? - If you've got into my circle somehow you're probably off the wall fucking nuts (like me). I will push people away to prove I'm right and that they will abandon me because that's easier to manage.

A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterised by alternating between extremes of idealisation and devaluation - When I had my break, I became obsessed with a guy I knew. His emotions dictated my emotions. If he was happy, I was happy (you get the picture.) - If he worried about me, I felt validated and so I spiraled. How worried could I get him to be? When he didn't answer or didn't reply in the way I wanted, he became an asshole in my world. (splitting) Instantly he'd be cut off, or he'd be goaded into speaking with me until I was happy with him again. This went on for months.

Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self - See Nana. This is a difficult one to explain without it getting depressing. I have no concept of who I am as a person. If you ask about core values, I don't know. If you ask about hobbies, I'll usually mirror what's being presented in front of me. I have been so conditioned growing up to hold back that I build no connection unless it is acceptable, and now I'm older, I'm basically lost playing in masks. Yeah, enough on that...

Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g. spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating) (Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behaviour covered in Criterion 5) - Binge Eating and spending are my big two. I did drinking when I was younger. Sex is.... a topic...

Recurrent suicidal behaviour, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behaviour - I have not S/H'ed in over a motherfucking year! Does that mean I don't want to? Fuck no. I just don't have access to it.

Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g. intense episodic dysphoria, irritability or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days) - Like a fucking seesaw. You'll see it on my feed. Major depressive angst and then I'm wanting to fuck Rugan and Gale in some sort of super masc sandwich, all in the space of 3-4 hours. When I say a mood will pass, I fucking mean it.

Chronic feelings of emptiness - yeahhh. Self explanatory, right?

Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g. frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights) - I lose my shit pretty often. I've learnt how to bring it down, like I'm not one for temper tantrums and public displays. It's all internal and brewing constantly. Take, for example, the other night. I lost my shit over something really minor (simple insecurities causing me to lash out. I have since blocked the offender like a mature moron, even though they probably don't realise or even understand why. I'm still angry at them though.) - Either way, gives an idea of what it's sort of like in my head.

Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms - This hasn't been as big a problem as it was during my breakdown. At that point, I'd travel to work and could not tell you how I got there. I still have moments of dissociation which are problematic, but it's manageable.

Anyway - That's the 9 and as you see, I get a nice big tick next to each one. People with BPD pretty much always have a nice trauma backstory to boot as well.

Personal things that bother me. Someone questioning my diagnosis. A big thing with BPD (at least for me) is validation. Having someone say my diagnosis could be wrong doesn't help me when my sense of identity is so fucked. I trust my doctors. They were thorough and they have so many more years of experience than google.

The other thing is the "my ex had, my MIL had..." Did they? Or are you just doing some arm chair psychology to explain why they were a jerk and as such preventing people like me from getting real help due to stigma? On this note - 7 psychiatrists I went through before one would even agree to see me, simply based on a potential diagnosis. Patients would be easier to work with if Drs didn't have preconceived ideas before we walked through the door.

Oh, one last thing of annoyance - FP's (Favourite person) - I fucking hate this term. You see, the obsession thing earlier - That's technically what this was, but thanks to tiktok and other social media sites some people like to RP mental illnesses now and FP's are their fucking lives. I just.... bug bear rage there.

So yeah, that's me. That's my essay on my mental health and over sharing for the week, and possibly an explanation for why things have been so erratic recently.

[youredreamingofroo]

Long winded rant of me talking about NSB, doing a new series, storytelling and whatever else I talked about under the cut, feel free to read it's just me rambling, I don't really care if ppl read it or not it's VERY long 😭

I've been painfully itching to start a new series, I know I'm doing NSB rn, and I do plan to at least finish the normal NSB legacy (up to Gen 9), although I might finish or take a break at around Gen 5 or 6, just because I don't wanna lose motivation and also because it takes A LOT to make some of these posts (for example, the last NSB post... took a lot out of me), and I'm only on Gen 2, almost Gen 3 rn, and I was originally planning to do all 30 or 40 Gens in the updated ver of NSB, which def doesn't seem like it'll be happening right now, because at the current rate at which I post, and how fast things in my game move, Sims 6 will be out before I even finish Gen 30 😭😭

Anyways, I don't know what the series would be about, if I were to do a new series, it would definitely be a lot more story based, if not completely story based, I don't know if I'd do/include gameplay, but I really wanna dive into more storytelling and setting up scenes, I'm not a film or theatre kid by any means, and I really don't know much about writing and setting up scenes and stuff, to be honest, i don't even know how I storytell, I guess it's just regurgitated content molded to shape the statue of my story if that makes sense lmao, I guess it's also the art of using so many fucking metaphors and similes that doing something like comparing love to drowning in a cold ocean comes sorta easy to me? I'm not grammatically inclined and don't know a lot about punctuation, my teachers all kinda gave up on me in English class, so all of my writing is basically self taught, which I guess is the case for a lot of things I do- I feel like starting a new series would help me learn how to write better, even though it seems like a lot of ppl love my writing, I still feel like I could improve so much and do so much better. I already have a couple ideas in mind for a new series, I don't think I'll say much rn just in case I decide to make them a series, but as for right now, I've got plans for Gen 3 NSB (aka Calico), and if I were to start a new series, I would not stop playing NSB, but due to how I function and shit, I would have to put NSB on hiatus, I kind of have a hard time doing two stories at once, hence why Sharkie's story got put on hiatus, because it was too stressful for me to double up, especially with how often I post (at least 3 or 4 times a week), I would like to go back and play Sharkies story and share her story up to this point where I last played her, her story is a lot more gameplay centered (for example, I am more inclined to make a blender scene for NSB, then Sharkie, for Sharkie, I'd do stuff like go to the bar and see how it plays out and take screenshots and just edit those) which I like more, but that's not to say I don't enjoy NSB, because I equally LOVE storytelling as I do gameplay.

While writing this, I did think of something I could do, which would be posting NSB every other week (so one week I do Sharkie or some other series and then the next week I do NSB, then a diff series, so on so forth), the only problem is that usually when I get an idea, and I finish that idea, I like to post it asap, I'm not good at scheduling posts lmao, but it might be worth it if people want to see another series (that is if anyone is still reading up to this point lol), I'd like to channel my storytelling into a more story based save/story, but idk! I'm just kinda doing my thing rn and I'm at a point where i wanna do something different. I especially wanna start doing more in blender, it just takes fucking forever to do some of the stuff I wanna do, and some of it means learning new stuff which is thrice as hard and takes thrice as long compared to normal posing and stuff 😭

[liesmyth]

Jockposting :) Lifting progress under the cut 💪

the tldr is that i a couple of months I put 20kg on my deadlift, 15kg on my squat, and I am SO close to benching 35kg for reps I can taste it. If I was in a frame of mind to optimise for recovery and nutrition I'd be unstoppable but as it is I'm just really feelin' myself

I'm on week 9 of GZCLP, a reddit-bro sorta program that's IME extremely effective. Once again, I maintain that reddit is phenomenal for solid fitness knowledge

It's a linear progression program, meaning that you increase the weight on the bar week by week, and it's ideal for novices who're still in the "beginner's gain" stage of weightlifting. It's also great if you're returning to structured programming lifting after a break (me!) but I probably won't keep at it after the first 12-week cycle is over, there's only so much linear increase I can aspire to.

Programming: GZCLP is 4x week, built around big compound lifts in the "strength" range (low reps, higher weights). They're complemented by a medium-rage amount of reps of a different compound lift than the one you're practising that day. So basically, you do big lifts twice a week, but at a different weight/range (called Tier 1 and Tier 2 to tell them apart). Every session also includes isolation exercises in the hypertrophy range, starting at 3x15+.

Jargon: that + symbol means that the last set is meant to be "as many reps as possible" or AMRAP. So if I'm doing 3x5+ squats, I'd do 5 reps for my first and second set, then try to aim for 6 or 7 in my last set.

Progression: You add weight every week to each compound lift; if you fail, the rep scheme changes keeping the volume the same.

T1 (main lifts) go from 3x5+ >>> 4x4+ >>> 5x3+

T2 (medium range reps for compound lifts) start at 3x10 >>> 3x8 >>> 3x6

T3 (back work and accessories) are 3x15+, only progressing when the AMRAP set gets to 25.

The T2 lifts especially are brutal. Because they go up every week but the amount of volume is A Lot. Doing sets of 10 reps with heavy-ish squats or deadlifts is extremely demanding.

Sessions! Basically, each week looks like this

Day 1: Squats (T1) + Bench press (T2) + Back work and leg accessories (T3)

Day 2: Overhead barbell press (T1) + Deadlift (T2) + Back work and upper body accessories (T3)

Day 3: Bench press (T1) + Squats (T2) + Back Work and upper body and core accessories (T3)

Day 4: Deadlift (T1) + Overhead bar press (T2) + Hip thrusts (T2) + Back work and core accessories (T3)

I start every session with dynamic stretching AND core engagement exercises (deadbug, planks, renegade row, suitcase carries) and usually end with an abs + kettlebell swing circuit. KB swings are SUPER FUN, btw. I do them every minute on the minute with a timer, starting with 5 swings then working my way up to 12-15 reps on the minute before I go up in weight. Currently I'm using a20kg (44 lbs) kettlebell.

💪 Weight on the bar! ✨

The whole point of this post was to blather about my lifting numbers so here we go. I started 9 weeks ago a bit conservatively, which imo is better than starting too heavy and going up too fast. I've failed every lift except squats, and that's only because I'm not consistently breaking parallel like I want to — a goal for my next training cycle is to work on lower body flexibility, go lighter on squats and with better form. This cycle is mainly to get more weight on that bar.

Squat

T1: 37.5kg >>> 52.5kg (116 lbs) for 3 sets of 5 reps

T2: 32.5kg to 43.5kg (96lbs) for sets of 10 reps

Overhead press

I failed multiple times here! Why is it so hard to build stronk shoulders, I ask you

T1: 17kg to 22.5kg (50 lbs) for 4 sets of 4 reps

T2: 12kg to 18kg (40 lbs) for sets of 6 reps

Bench Press

Veeeery proud of how this one is going

T1: 25kg to 33.5kg (74 lbs) for 5 sets of 3 reps

T2: 20 kg to 30kg (66 lbs) for 3 sets of 8 reps. Veeery proud of my progress on this one.

Deadlift

Bit frustrated because DLs used to be my strongest lift and I feel like I should be further ahead but that posterior chain needs nurturing

T1: 43kg to 62.5 (134 lbs) for 5 sets of 3 reps

T2: 33kg to 53.5 (118) for 3 sets of 10 reps

What's next?

3 more weeks of GZCLP then we shall see! I'm thinking an intermediate bench program + less volume on lower-body lifts, especially since I'm going to get more serious about half marathon training next month.

[dollsonmain]

Ok, Son's at school. I didn't realize they're getting out early on Thursday instead of on Friday, so I have a lot less alone time before another long holiday break than I thought.

Ugh. I do honestly like spending time with my Son, but not the noise videos he likes. They hurt. He's good about understanding when I can't take it anymore, though, and will either go in another room or is comfortable with me going down to the basement for a while.

I think maybe we'll listen to some of those records that I found unbearable together over the holiday. I think Son might like those, and while I don't like them, it doesn't mean he's not allowed to.

Still need to get a record cleaning kit.

-

That Guy is pushing both Son and me to get jobs somewhere in town without cars. I'm like, how we get to work????

He usually yells at me that I'm making excuses, then yesterday in the car yelled that he'd drive us, and had already said that.

He never said that.

He said he'd get Son a car once Son got his license, and then Son could take himself to work, and every time I mention how would I get to work he's said I'm making excuses and also said that I'd get the job first and then we'd figure out transportation which is illogical.

Not once did he say he intended to personally drive us to work, at least not until yesterday.

I don't think he means that anyway.

How's he going to do that? He leaves for work at 5 am, and if I don't start until like 9am to 6pm because I'd have to work full time to qualify for insurance which is what this is all about, I mean, I'm not sitting around my workplace for an extra 4-5 hours before my shift especially if I happen to find an office job and the office is closed until work time. That's just not possible in the winter.

Then he has to be home in time to drive Son to work after school but if he's not getting to work himself until 9 or 10 am because he has to drive me, then he's not getting home until 7 or 8 because it's a long commute (1 hr 15 minutes one way) to HIS work, and Son's work would probably be something like 5 to 10pm because he is a teenager in school.

Then he'd be having to go pick me up around 6 pm, and Son at maybe 10pm. They'd get home around 11.

The only other option is that I manage to stumble upon some legitimate work-from-home (I'd rather work outside and interact with people; I've been trapped in this house and isolated for 16 years) or work overnights, but he's vetoed the idea of me working nights because he doesn't want to sleep alone.

Depending on where Son and I would be working we might be able to manage our schedules such that Son goes to work right after school (5pm or so start time, gives him time to come home, shower, get dressed, and leave again) and then I start work when Son's shift is ending so that That Guy makes one trip to town to drop Son off at work, another to pick up Son and drop me off and that would be roughly 9:30 pm to 10:30 pm if we happen to work in the same place or at least nearby each other. He'd get home and get to bed around 11. Then That Guy has to come and get me at 7am which is right after Son gets on the bus (meaning That Guy would have to get up with Son in the morning to make sure he got on the bus because I wouldn't be there), bring me home, and then he might be leaving for work around 8:30 am assuming he did his morning get-ready before leaving to get me. Gets to work at 9:30, works the full shift so off work at 6:30 pm, then gets home at 7:30, though more like 8:30 or even 9 due to rush hour traffic out of the DC Metro area and at that point Son's missed most of his work shift...

It's the same as the insurance thing. He demands it happens then gets in the way of it happening and blames others for it not happening.

What he needs to do to make this work the way he wants it to is get at least one more car that son and I could share or for us to move somewhere the two of us can walk to work.

Either way, it's going to cost him money to not have to spend his money on us and he's short circuiting trying to figure out how to make this all work without him spending any money.

[pipermca]

K-9: Part 1

For this year's TF Big Bang event, I originally started off with a different idea than the one I ended up running with. However, I did write about 7500 words of this idea before giving it up as far too long for me to finish in the time available.

That said, I'm still interested in working on this fic, but I don't know when I'll have the time or energy. So I'm working on cleaning up what I do have of this story, and I'll serialize it here. If I end up writing any more, I'll add it here. (This post will contain the first instalment, as well as act as the index/masterpost for the whole thing.) In later instalments there will be illustrations, since this story idea was partially based on a toy. (And man, if I had a IDW2 MP-scaled Barricade figure, I'd be able to do a LOT of illos. 😄).

Enjoy.

No content warnings. Relationships: Barricade & Prowl, Bluestreak & Prowl, Prowl & OC

******************

Part 1

"After we turn in our reports, did you want to come to the Rusty Strut with me and the others?" Barricade asked.

Prowl settled on his wheels. "No."

"Aww, come on." Barricade swerved slightly to chime his fender against Prowl's. "You never go out with us. I'm starting to think you don't like me."

As they reached the station, Prowl transformed and frowned at his partner. "The only time I went to the bar with you and the others, I somehow got stuck paying the entire tab," he said. He flicked his wings as he turned his back on Barricade. "I have no desire for a repeat of that situation."

Barricade caught up to Prowl at the curb. "That's because you were new! It's tradition!" He slung his arm around Prowl's shoulders. "I promise it won't happen again."

"Regardless, my answer is still no," Prowl said, shrugging out from under Barricade's arm. "It is simply an activity I have no interest in. I am only here to-"

With a scoff, Barricade threw up his hands. "I know, I know. I've heard you say it enough." He rolled his optics. "You're just here to do a job, not to make friends." He frowned at Prowl. "You know this isn't Praxus, right? There's more to life than just being a tool of the state. Things like making friends, or having fun." Marching ahead of Prowl, he glanced over his shoulder. "You should try it some time."

Prowl shook his head. It had been a big change for him, moving from Praxus to Iacon. He missed the order of Praxus, where everyone knew their role and rules were clearly defined and followed. But because of that order, being an Enforcer there was... Well, it was not very challenging. Iacon, on the other hand, was larger and more chaotic. Bots had much more freedom to do what they wanted, which also meant that the peace was harder to maintain. But it also meant that the work of keeping that peace was more interesting.

Moving from being a Praxus Enforcer to becoming a member of the Iacon Watch was a huge shift for Prowl, but he took his job seriously. And doing his job did not mean spending time with his fellow constables in bars or dancitrons.

As Prowl and Barricade walked into the precinct, the desk clerk held up a hand to the bot he was talking to. "Just a sec- Hey! Prowl! The Captain wants to see you in her office right away."

Barricade lifted a brow ridge at Prowl. "What did you do?"

"I did not do anything, except my job," Prowl said, mystified.

Barricade rolled his optics again. "Yeah, I know," he said. "I hope you're not getting canned. I really don't want to break in another partner."

"I will come back as soon as possible to finish filing our report," Prowl said as he turned towards the Captain's office.

"You better!" Barricade called after him. "You know I hate doing reports!"

Prowl wracked his processor for any clues as to why the Captain of the Inner Watch would want to see him. Discipline was usually left up to the sergeants, but Streetwise had not mentioned any shortcomings in Prowl's performance to him. As far as Prowl knew, he had done everything expected and to the required parameters. His regular reviews had always been glowing. He had no idea what the Captain could want with him.

Prowl paused just outside the Captain's office and knocked on the open door. "You asked to see me, sir?"

Captain Overdrive looked up from her work and waved him in. "Prowl! Yes, come in. Close the door, please." She gestured at the chair in front of him and watched as Prowl took a seat. "You've been with the Iacon Watch for quite a while, yes? Are you enjoying the work?"

From his seat, Prowl could plainly see his personnel file open on the Chief's desk. He suppressed a nervous flick of his sensor wings. "I have been with the Iacon Watch for a year. And I am enjoying the work, yes," he said. "It is more of a challenge for me than what I found in the Praxus Enforcers."

Overdrive made a thoughtful noise and flipped through a few screens in Prowl's file. "You've had nothing but commendations. Not a single complaint so far. That's surprising, considering your partner." She flashed Prowl a knowing smile, then leaned back in her chair. "And you said you enjoy the challenge?"

"Yes, sir."

"In what way?"

"The work is varied. On patrol, we see something different every day. Analyzing each situation and determining the best course of action possible within the confines of our mandate is appealing to me." Prowl lifted his sensor wings. "It is very different than the work I was doing in Praxus."

"I can understand that." The Captain nodded thoughtfully. "I know the crime rate in Praxus is very low. The Enforcers there seem mostly for show, honestly."

Prowl did not think that was a completely honest assessment of the work the Enforcers did there, but he did not see the point in arguing with the Captain. "Yes, sir," he said instead.

"Your record from Praxus is impressive. Wanting a new challenge does explain why you wanted to make the move to Iacon," Overdrive said. "But I can't help feeling that we aren't utilizing you in the best possible way."

"Sir?"

"Would you be interested in something a bit more challenging? Perhaps in one of our special units?"

Special units! If Prowl could possibly have sat up even straighter in his chair, he would have. "I would be interested, yes, depending on the unit. Some of them do extremely important, very interesting work."

Overdrive nodded and glanced back down at Prowl's file, tabbing through a few more screens. "Do you consider yourself a mechanimal bot?"

Prowl cycled his optics. "A... I am sorry, a what?"         

"Someone who likes mechanimals. You know, felinoids, zap ponies, wirehounds, whatever." Overdrive waved her hand at Prowl's file. "It says here you had an organic for a pet when you lived in Praxus."

"Yes... I did." Prowl's wings twitched as his processor churned through scenarios trying to figure out what his personal life had to do with being transferred to a special unit. "I had a flyt."

"Did you train it yourself?"

When Prowl's processor came up empty on a rational explanation for the Captain's line of questioning, he decided that the only thing to be done was answer the questions as best he could. "Yes, sir. I got her when she was just a hatchling and started training her right away. I needed to make sure she could be left alone in my flat without causing a disturbance." He dipped his wings when he realized why the fact that he had a pet flyt was in his file. "Keeping organics in your living quarters was considered irregular in Praxus, so I wanted to make certain there was no reason for anyone to file a complaint with the Garaging Authority."

"What sorts of things did you train it to do?"

"I trained her to come when she was called and to stay on her perch when commanded. Additionally, I trained her to sit on my shoulder, and to fly through a hoop that I had made for her. She could also do loops in midair, although she needed enough space to perform one." Prowl thought back to the tiny flyt, and how she would chirp and tilt her head when she wanted a little bit of extra skitter. Then he suppressed the emotional subroutines that always inserted themselves into his processor threads when he thought about Green. That wasn't useful right now. "And of course, to eliminate her waste in the proper receptacle."

"Oh, right. I guess that's something you have to think about with an organic." Overdrive laughed. "Mechanimals don't have that issue."

"No, sir."

"This flyt, did it obey your commands?"

"Yes, sir. She obeyed them very well, sir."

"How do you feel about wirehounds?"

Prowl felt off-balance. He could not figure out where the Captain's questions were leading to. "I do not know that I feel anything about them in particular."

"You're not afraid of them or anything like that, are you?"

"No, sir."

"Does your residence building have any rules about pets?"

"No, sir, except to ensure that they are well-behaved and do not cause a disturbance."

"Good." Overdrive blanked the datapad with Prowl's file on it and leaned forward, tenting her fingers together. "Prowl, I've been asked to find someone to head up Unit K-9, and I think you are the right bot for the job."

Part 2.

Part 3.

Part 4.

[rainintheevening]

Doing this here for accountability reasons. Told Grizz @novelmonger I would write 10 versions of a first line for the @sw-olives-and-grapes fic I'm supposed to be working on, to try to break through. So here goes.

1. Of all the ways for Captain Rex to watch his general die, he never imagined a live HoloNews feed from the streets of the Senate District on Coruscant.

2. Waiting. The waiting was the worst. No one spoke, only one man or another would take a sudden sharp breath, as if he'd come up from drowning. Rex didn't look away from the vidscreen on the wall once.

3. Commander Fox comming Rex should have been enough of a warning.

4. Sometimes you don't realize you've started thinking someone can't die, until they do.

5. 'What to do when you're watching your Jedi General fight the Supreme Chancellor of the Republic live on the HoloNews' was not in the training handbook on Kamino.

6. He's not dead. He can't be dead. Anakin Skywalker wouldn't just die.

7. General Skywalker didn't die that day. But something inside him did. I think it was the war. And I don't mean the one that's torn this galaxy apart for over three years now. I mean his war. The one between him and his fear.

8. Lightning, flashing. A thousand forks of lightning reaching out for the General like hungry fingers. The thin, shining blue blade of Skywalker’s lightaber weaving a shield about him. Rex realised he had stopped breathing. Around him, shouting and cheers erupted.

9. We never thought it would be the day the war ended. Being taught a thousand different histories, a thousand different ways to end a war, is nothing like living it, so I can't say if this is how it usually goes. I do know I am not surprised my General is the one who ended it.

10. Rex had never wanted to disobey orders as badly as he wanted to disobey Appo's right then. But it would have done no good, it would have done nothing to save Skywalker, to save Anakin, there was truly nothing Rex could do for his General. Except wait.

I dunno, tell me which one you like I guess? But I'm 99% sure I've decided to write first person for this, first time I'd be doing that for a fanfic.

[drysaladandketchup]

okay so 1-53 for our mattdrai ask meme, pls ❤️😈😇

just kidding darling, let's say 3, 9, 21, 25 (because I'm evil muhahaha) and 36

I will be (im)patiently awaiting your answer

thank you my dear as always for the ask! I know you'd ask me them all if you could <3 (and I'd probably answer them all if I could lol)

3. What do you think Matthew said to Leon in the faceoff circle during the 2022 playoffs?

They were setting up a post-game date. Obviously. Okay my honest answer is I've watched the gifs/clip so many times (you know, like a sane person) and I think Matthew is most likely telling Leon to get on his side of the line, maybe saying something about how if he stayed on his side 'I wouldn't have to push you', and Leon's laughing at him because it's such a silly little thing that Matthew literally shoves him with his stick. Though looking at it again Leon is actually on his side of the line when Matthew skates up which is probably why Leon is like "really?" so maybe it's just two messy bitches who love being annoying finding any excuse to annoy each other. Watching the full clip, Leon is smiling/laughing well after Matthew backs off so whatever it was was probably more amusing than annoying.

9. What do you think Matthew meant when he said 'I can't answer that or he’ll get mad at me' in response to Leon's 'get off the ice' comment?

Oh the million dollar question. My best guess is since Matthew just finished saying that he does think Leon is a great player and he was looking forward to playing with him (and Connor), he probably just didn't want to say anything that could be taken as an insult or 'returning fire'. Like from a professionalism perspective, he wouldn't want to start anything by mistake. I would like to think he didn't take Leon's comment to heart anyways (even if he did skate off after scoring their goal together lol). Or maybe he genuinely thought if he said anything it would upset Leon because the media would almost surely make any back and forth between them into a bigger thing than it was, and rivalries aside Matthew does seem to be friendly and polite to everyone off-ice. I believe he respects Leon as a player, and maybe didn't want to create any negative impressions outside of the game.

Of course the gremlin in my brain likes to think Matthew was thinking 'oh hot german rival doesn't like me? he could fuck me about it if he wasn't a coward' but I imagine you can't say that on TV...

21. 2020 ASG or 2023 ASG? Which is superior?

Well, I mean... 2020 ASG is the sacred texts, isn't it? But I do love the appeal of the 2023 ASG because of the passage of time and the change in logistics for Matthew means the rivalries aren't really there anymore. And there's been some maturation all around. Plus all that time for shenanigans is warm, sunny Florida...

I think I'd still say 2020 ASG is superior, but I also tend to view them differently. Like 2020 is still mattdrai's 'enemies' arc (enemies who fuck??), while 2023 in my mind is more conducive to the 'lovers' part of their arc. 2020-2023 is the enemies-to-lovers arc to me, is what I'm saying. But the 2020 ASG is superior by proxy of the tension and the drama and the potential for angst.

25. Who would break up with whom? Who would be more heartbroken about it? How do they cope with the breakup?

Why would you make me think about this? I thought we were friends. Ugggh fine if I have to...

Pained as I am to admit it, I think Matthew would be more likely to break up with Leon. I just think Matthew is more capable of letting things go when he has to, even if it hurts. Break-up scenarios in my head usually go hand in hand with Matthew's move to Florida, and that need to kind of start over and reinvent himself, even if that means leaving everything behind, including Leon. But it would be the furthest thing from easy, and Matthew would not do it lightly. It's hard to say who would be more heartbroken: Leon is so deep in his emotions and loves with the entirety of his heart. I don't think it would hurt Matthew less, but I think Leon would struggle to compartmentalize those emotions more. As for how do they cope? They don't. At all. Drinking and cry sessions with friends and family I imagine. Maybe they don't talk for a bit until things have settled, but then maybe they do start talking again, slowly, testing the waters, trying to be 'just friends'. It's awkward, but it's better than nothing.

Of course in my head the separation never sticks. Screw your break-up I'm copping out and saying they get back together within 6-12 months. Enemies-to-friends-to-lovers-to-exes-to-lovers. HAHAHA

36. If Leon got traded to Florida and had to move in with Matthew, which one of them would learn how to cook and / or be good at it?

I still haven't figured out the answer and I started writing a fic about this exact scenario lol. Once again I'm leaning more towards Matthew for this one, mostly because it's his house and he is a 'I have to take care of people' kind of guy. Also I'm assuming Leon is still Mr. 'I could burn water' lol. But I'm sure once Matthew learns a thing or two (probably with the help of the team chefs and his parents, who definitely would come down to help him), he'll try and teach Leon a thing or two, and then they can cook together. It probably still won't be great but it'll be better than starving lol

mattdrai ask meme

[kholran]

Twenty questions for fic writers

Tagged by @lucientelrunya Thank you friend!

1. How many works do you have on AO3?

26

2. What's your total AO3 word count?

219,573

3. What fandoms do you write for?

Only DMBJ right now, but I have written for The Hobbit and Les Mis in the past.

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

I Will Go Now To My Pyre (254)

And Here My Troubles Begin (246)

When the Stars Align (212)

I Get By (211)

Skin Deep (197)

5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

I try to! Sometimes I am Very Bad at remembering to do it, and I end up replying like months later. But I value every single comment I get, and I want to let the commenter know that I'm grateful they took the time to not just read but say something.

6. What is a fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

Hmm... I always try to end on a hopeful note, if not an outright happy one. I did write a Barduil (The Hobbit) ficlet here on Tumblr where the reveal is angsty, so I guess that one.

7. What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

Again, I usually try to end in a happy place. I guess I'll say Ordinary World, because (spoiler alert) the world is saved, the 'ships are all together, and everyone is content.

8. Do you get hate on fics?

Not really. I did get one comment on an unfinished fic where the person made an (incorrect) assumption of where it was going, and then judged the fic based on that assumption. IDK if they actually made it to the end when it *was* finished. They never did comment again.

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

Yep, I do. Usually as part of a larger plot/story. I don't really like writing smut just for smut's sake. But as long as there's some plot around it, then I don't shy away from it.

10. Do you write crossovers? What's the craziest one you've written?

In the traditional sense of the word (characters from one thing meeting characters from another thing) then no. I'm not a big fan of that, either writing or reading. But I LOVE me a good fusion fic, and I've written many of those. I'd say the Les Mis/Les Amis Titanic fic is the "craziest" but it's not a crackfic by any means.

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Not that I'm aware of.

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

Hmm I don't think so?

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

I used to do a ton of forum-based RP, which is basically just collaborative writing. If you look closely, you can still see that influence. I tend to write from the POV of one character at a time, although now I'm writing all of the characters myself, and only switch when there's a natural break/need to change.

14. What's your all-time favorite ship?

That I've written? RiSang, hands down. But I also have a ton of favourite ships that I've never written for. I think maybe Alucard/Integra (Hellsing/Ultimate) is at the top of that list? It's been one of my faves for a very long time, in any case. As has Zechs/Noin (Gundam Wing). And honourable mention to Weilan (Guardian) and Wenzhou (Word of Honour) for being more recent, but consuming my every brain wave ever since I watched those shows.

15. What's a wip you want to finish, but doubt you ever will?

The Weilan mermaid AU I still have sitting in my laptop's Docs folder. I had the whole thing planned out but then RiSang happened and that's all I've been able to focus on writing ever since.

16. What are your writing strengths?

I think I'm pretty good at setting scenes? Like the atmosphere and setting, and who the characters are in the particular universe I'm writing at the time.

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

Abuse of adverbs and em-dashes, but you can pry both of those out of my cold dead hands. Oh also natural dialogue. I am an awkward human person who can't carry on a conversation to save my life and it shows.

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language for a fic?

Dialogue, not so much. I will occasionally use a word, phrase, or title (like Fuguan or Tianzhen or Heipaoshi) if it's something I'm sure is common knowledge of the fandom, but apart from French, I'm not fluent enough in any language to trust my ability to write realistic and grammatically correct dialogue in it.

19. First fandom you wrote for?

When I was in like fifth grade, I was obsessed with Baywatch (don't judge me). So me and my friend made original characters and wrote out like little stories about them and the show's characters hanging out.

20. Favorite fic you've written?

I think my favourite has to be Pyre. RiSang got me back into writing after I had a massive confidence crash and spent 5 years not writing anything. I'm also very proud of Ordinary World. It's my longest fic to date, and, in my own humble opinion, one of the tightest plots I've ever written. I can reread it and not be bored, even though I wrote it.

Tagging: @merinnan @hils79 @xantissa @eirenical @saxgoddess25 and uhhh @amidalogicdive (Only if you want to! No pressure!)

[roseserpentpress]

Hey 😊 I'm very interested in getting into fan binding, and I love your work! I wonder, how much does it normally cost you to bind a book? I see you made quite a few in 2022 and I would love to hear about the average amount you normally spend :) best of luck on your future projects!

Aww thank you for the compliment! ❤️ I'm also really terribly sorry for how long it took for me to write out this response--I've been really busy lately, and properly calculating what actually goes into my books is something I haven't really done previously, as I typically engage in fanbinding as a hobby, and I don't usually keep track of how much is going into my books. It's also a bit difficult to exactly calculate materials wise as often things I buy end up going a long way... so breaking down the prices can be difficult as you'll see below.

Anyhow! Fanbinding is a really lovely hobby, and highly encourage you to get into it when you have the time and energy! If you are interested and haven't yet joined the Renegade bindery discord (18+ however!) with all the lovely fanbinding/bookbinding enthusiasts, I'd highly recommend you do as they have a bunch of resources for beginners and are an absolutely lovely community.

To properly answer your question, what one spends on making books can really depend on the materials you use. Hell, there was a document from Renegade on how to make really low cost book out of materials you just have lying around at home, which I unfortunately can't find right now. Personally the cost has also varied depending on where I'm getting my resources, and as you become familiar with whats in you area, you can also minimize cost for certain resources. Below the read more I'll actually give a break down of what generally goes into a 100 page (about 100k) A6 book. Everything will be given in CAD as I live in Canada.

Basic A6 100 pg Book:

Paper: 1.7$ as 100 pages would be 50 sheets of paper. It's 17$ for a ream (500 pages) of cream paper. I'm not sure the exact price for the printer, as that I own my own printer. I know that for just plain bright white and black and white text you are charged .20 per page at Staples, which for a 100 page book would be 20$.

Bookboard: .80-3$ I've had quite a variety of bookboard I've bought; currently am getting 9$ for a pack of 6 chipboard which makes about 12 a6 books; so about .79$, but I've previously bought chip board that is much more expensive (15$ a pack for about 4 books, which would be 3.75$ per book). I've also used the back of old sketch books, stiff and flat shipping envelopes for prints,and I've recently seen that someone recycles old books from library sales where the books are just going to go to the landfill.

Endpaper: I like coloured end and cover papers; per one sheet, it is usually about $5-10. Depending on my use of the paper, usually I can get about two A6 book worths out of the paper, which means about per 1 a6 its 2.5-5$ for the end paper.

Cover paper: For cover paper I often use a mix of paper. I also usually use the same type of fancy papers as the end papers, so thats an extra 5-10$, which can be halved. However, I often mix this with simple single coloured cardstock paper for scrapbooks. Normally, since I'm cheap, I buy the dollar store paper which is about .75$ per sheet. So about cover paper goes from 3.5-6$.

Ribbon: I like to make my books with ribbons so they are not just supported by sewing. Again, I'm not fancy so I use micheals/dollarstore polyester ribbons; a roll costs about 1.5-3$. For spine ribbons, getting a white or neutral colour is best as that in-between the signatures the colour isn't obvious. However, for adding ribbon bookmarks, it's nice to have a colour that matches the colour scheme of the book. The rolls obviously end up being used for more than one book project, so it's somewhere in the cents for the ribbons per book. I like silky polyester for ribbons as for those used as a bookmark, you can easily ensure the end doesn't fray by using a lighter to melt the very edge.

Thread: I just use sewing thread that I double when sewing the signatures together. It's about 3$ for a roll of white, and will last a very long time. I do like to add beeswax to the thread, which is somewhat optional. You could probably also use other soft waxes such as those used in candles if you don't specifically have beeswax. That cost will be under beeswax though.

Backing cloth - I purchase micheals squares of linen fabric, which you can buy for $2-3 for the cloth backing of the spine. Again, you can get quite a few cloth backing out of one square of fabric. You can also choose to use cloth instead of paper for a book cover, which then you would swap the coverpaper to the price of the cloth. Again, purchasing a neutral cream-white for the cloth is the best for the backing for the cracks between the signatures. I also know people will use misprint paper for backing, which would be even cheaper.

Paste: Personally as I'm cheap, so I like to make bookbinders paste at home; this is made by boiling a flour-water mixture. However, bookbinders paste takes long to dry, and for the first time or two might be more damp then you want and can leave your pages a bit wrinkly; as well, I'm not sure how acid free it would be considered in the long run, and its not a strong bond if it's not a large surface area that's paper-paper. Lots of people like to use ph-neutral PVC glue instead, which an art store near me sells around 10$ for 8oz, which is definitely pricier in comparison, but you'll end up using it for many books, so it can pay off. I've also however used simple Elmer's glue a couple of years ago in my first bookbinding forays, which is also cheap.

Head bands

Twine: lots of people use different types of cores for their headbands, but something that can remain an even width is good. I use this type of twine, which costs about 12$ per roll. The one I use is one I already had at home. Obviously you can get a quite a few headbands out of a ball of twine.

Embroidery floss: about 1.5$ for two different colours. Again, you'll only be using part of the whole embroidery floss for the endbands.

Beeswax proofing

Beeswax: 7 oz for 7$. Again, a fraction of one of these bars is used per book.

Mineral Spirits: also a fraction required for the a single book. A bottle however is about 11$ for 4.2 oz.

So if you are going by the bulk items, without anything at home including everything and going middle of the road for prices, that would be about $84... however, most of these costs are negligible in the long run per an individual book, plus often you may have some of these lying around already, which can significantly cut into these costs. As a result a more accurate cost of materials per a single individual book would be about maybe $30.50 on average, and going by middle of the road for some prices, and utilizing the 20$ for the text block via staples. The heaviest cost will always be printing out your textblock, which can be minimized if you have your own printer at home (but then you need to invest in one...).

However, cost again can really quite vary, depending on what materials you are using! Starting off with things you already have at home significantly cuts into material costs, and starting on smaller projects will make the material cost cheaper. Plus, some fancy paper can be bought in packs for cheaper then they type of paper I tend to purchase. I hope this was at least somewhat informative, even if it took forever for me to write this up for you, apologies again about that!

[genericaccount]

sometimes I think I need to pay more attention to what I eat in a day and how that effects ADHD medication and overall mood-emotion-feeling

I haven't eaten at all today which is terrible, I know, but I kept forgetting or telling myself I had to do X, Y, Z first or I had to be up/dressed/teeth brushed first or I would realize I'd waited too long then wanted to have lunch instead of breakfast but then tell myself it would be better to have lunch at X time or after X task.

I know I'm not avoiding eating (although really bad dry mouth symptom from current mystery illness does put me off food) and I know its not because I'm trying to "prove" I don't have to eat/rely on eating (that's a whole other odd past story) but I keep getting stuck in my own bad habit cycle? Like I can't break my own rountine (ex. I have to X before Y) which then has gotten me stuck in this "anti-routine" of waking up before 9-9:30 (this is good, this took me a while) but still end up stuck lying in bed, usually on my phone, till 11-12-or almost 2pm

Sure, time blindness doesn't help, but I know how much Better I feel when I have to be somewhere in the morning and it forces me to be up & dress & (ideally) had breakfast and Outside

More than half the time I usually end up wandering around and have these weird little "oh yeah its kinda nice leaving the house" moments that I ignore/forget later (And yeah going outside in the city means spending money which I really should not be doing right now but)

And yet here I am still internally and quietly telling myself that if I just had the "Perfect Morning Rountine" (because of course its all-or-nothing thinking) that everything would fall into place and I'll feel better (Not in the sense it would solve all problems, I'm still anxious about a work meeting and about a uncomfortable possibly ending friendship situation) But that I will feel more me - more human - like when you finally take a shower that you know you should've taken already and how Clean and Scrubbed you feel after in a very good and minituate rebirth kind of way

But I know logically that it doesn't work that way, not with ADHD and chronic illness and a deficient in self confidence and in accidental social semi-isolation. That my psychiatrist is right when she says that the intial steps are important, like with finally establishing a mostly sucessful wake up time and that maybe I need to find a way to comfortably leave the house that doesn't involve showering so I can fix my hair (wave-curl 2b-2c-3a ish that feels much more unmanageable than it used to be). I used to be comfortable with how I looked, and how I looked when I woke up, but now? I feel ugly. I do. I know I'm exagerating this in my mind and my own perception but yesterday I realized: I hadn't taken a picture of myself in almost a year, I now struggle to put outfits together because I've barely left the house since April so I keep wearing "home clothes", I can see how my eyes are more droopy and sad looking (partially assume its related to consistent lack of enough sleep) and that I hate how I look in photos other people take of me because I no longer know how to smile in pictures without thinking I look sad in every picture.

I know I'm not this person, heck I've managed to do/achieve some pretty cool things and I'm about to start a new path for one of them (its not quite what I was hoping for but it should help me get to where I want to be in a year). I used to be so creative, I used to be more interested in writing and art and just creating. I feel like I've slipped into this near-ghost of myself.

I wish I could say its all social media's fault. That I spent and maybe wasted too many hours on doomscrolling in various apps. But though that is true, I know its not the cause. A distraction, maybe. A draw away from creating rather than consuming, sure. I don't simply "blame myself" (though negative thinking sure tries to) but its not that I'm folding in on myself, but I find myself more often slipping into wanting to exist in couch-tv-vegetable state, wanting to simply zone out to a myriad of media.

Maybe this has all been cumalative burn out? I don't know.

But I'm tired of feeling like this, I say for the thousandth time, I want to start moving forward again. I still don't think this is depression, it feels too other and I don't feel like I'm numb or sinking or any of the ways I hear it described. I think I just feel stuck.

I guess I'll see how tomorrow morning goes.

I'm going to go take a shower.

[iampikachuhearmeroar]

well I've had an interesting first week of the year back at work. I managed to get through to my usual doctor this week, which is a bit of a miracle, considering she's always back late jan/early feb each year. she's recommended 3 places for me to ring to follow up on a probable ADHD diagnosis. the best one is one in Sydney, in Bondi.

but to do all of their tests would mean I'd try to jam them into a week, if I could (probs not let's be real), or each time I do one I spend on a hotel room to stay up there, since I just wouldn't feel bothered to the 2 hour drive home after 8 hours of tests. but the Sydney one gives you a brain scan which would be super cool. but also if you managed to get bulk billed, it's $1,200. also they don't focus on meds, they focus on "brain based" and behaviour change stuff.

the other 2 places are local to my area, but you have to ring to find out their prices. but on the other hand, my doc said to leave all this stiff until after I have my colonoscopy that's booked for a couple weeks from now, on the 16th.

work is better since I'm not at a tired low point like I was at the end of last year. my boss is a bit happier that I'm turning up at the office at around 8:50 roughly and set up by 9. but yeah I hate having to cut my pre work bed relax after my bath each morning to 7:15 to get out the door by 8;20. but rn 8:20 is only working bc it's the school holidays so I'm not locked into the mronjng school run traffic and school zones right next to my house (basically). so it means I will have to bother to leave at 8:15 or whatever when school starts back up again on jan 31st.

but yeah. I still haven't handed in any of my unfinished (or unstarted) cadestship assessments; bc I forgot right before we left of chrissy/NY break to ask our outsourced IT guys to set up our VPN access app (it just gives you a code to type in) on my phone to access the work hard drive at home lmao. so I've meant to start this week, but I just haven't.

aside from work, the other interesting thing is that someone from the catholic school I went to for years 7-10 from 2008 til 2011, decided to invite me to a 10 year reunion that someone else from our year group from that school set up on Tuesday on fb for October this year. and I was just so surprised that someone bothered to remember me and invite me.... and I feel kinda touched tbh lol. bc i didn't even graduate with them properly, in a way, in 2013, bc I obvs graduated at the public school that I transferred to. it's so random that someone thought to invite me all these years later.

and I'm also stressing over the event a little. mostly on the level of what to wear to it, obvs lmao. but also, most of these people are successful working in good jobs. or they run their own successful local businesses/take over their parentd businesses.

while, on the other hand. I finish my cadetship in march, and I have no idea whether i'll be kept on where I am or whether I'll be somewhere else or jobless lmao. but anyway. it's going to be so weird seeing anyone from that school again, when half of them have kids and are married now or some have even divorced or split from their partners that they married in our early 20s (or at least that's what I've deduced from their name changes on fb back to their original last name I knew them by in school).

also im bitterly jealous of a few of them because they've bought their first house or have a second house and are using their first as an investment property. like bruh. am I the only one who still hasn't moved out of home yet??? and obvs there are obvs other people renting but still. am i the only one still at home??? I don't want questions about that tbh.

like is it even worth catching up with these people, when I still remember the derision I got from one of the girls from my group from that school, when I ran into her at uni back in 2016??? how she told me that everyone was actually SO GLAD that I'd left bc apparently they were all secretly harbouring embarrassment for my behaviour and my "attention seeking" or whatever the fuck she said to me???? but also part of me hopes that rich boy goes and is happy to see me and I'll get to congratulate him in person on his engagement or perhaps being married by the time this event happens (if it even does lmao). and that's my other thing. could just be an elaborate joke where they do this, and I turn up, but NO ONE is there???? like hello trust issues, aren't you looking very sexy this week.

[rhiannonhgarrard]

Ooh, sounds fun! 1.) My method is to handwrite every draft 1 in notebooks and then type them up #OBSESSED with notebooks! #Feels fancy to have a nice notebook and pen 2.) Er... 10am and later's my general wake up time #whoop whoop for ghostwriting clients being halfway around the world #Yes, 3am is a perfect time to talk about those chapters you wanted 3.) 2 or 3am bedtime for the aforementioned reason #science says creative people are night owls anyway 4.) I don't specifically write down dreams, but disturbing ones make their way into my #horror stories #I was pulled into a wall by an ocean of hair, and SOMEONE is dying via that method sometime in a story. 5.) I do it by hand first, but then computer after #handwriting makes me feel fancy 6.) I sometimes listen to music, but predictable vids/ vids I've seen a million times are better background noise. 7.) I try not to snack whilst writing. I'm too distracted to pay attention to how much I eat. #I eat too much anyway. 8.) Where DON'T I write is the shorter answer. #This is why you handwrite in notebooks 9.) Trauma's always slipped in, but it's a hindsight thing for me. It used to be a lot more obvious when I was younger #Every villain was a father-esque figure #Hmmm suspicious 10.) Sometimes I write lovely, but only when I need a break from the relentless #horror 11.) I don't write poetry often. I respect it too much. #My poetry's rambling in vague rhyme 12.) Once. I still love it and it went down well, but I lost momentum on it once I started ghostwriting #gotta keep plugging away at it 13.) #COFFEE!!!!! 14.) Typically, four drafts for me before I consider it "done". One hand written, the second typed and edited as I go along, third edited after an editor/beta reader's combed through it and one last check before I declare it finished. 15.) I do have proof readers, but most people I know in person are too polite #real beta readers have to be bad bitches. 16.) Pens for me! #fancy fountain pens and #glass dip pens 17.) At this point, I don't know how many characters I have. I usually choose small-ish casts, but with how many stories I have, if I tried listing them all, I'd forget some for sure #too many imaginary friends #some imaginary enemies too 18.) My first thought is from one of my latest - the father who had to shoot his son to save his wife, and then loses his wife anyway 19.) ...I'm not very funny. #And by that, I mean my sense of humour is alarmingly cringe 20.) The schedule is "whenever people aren't looking at me" #sneak writing 21.) Writing in notebooks means I'm not often caught short for notetaking, but when I am, I have the notes app on my phone 22.) I have so many, but I came into the #Discworld embarrassingly late, so right now I'm catching up on #Terry Pratchett #Really enjoying the Tiffany Aching series rn 23.) To be honest, cutting work isn't hard for me. I generally cut it either because I've come up with something better, which isn't much of a shame, OR the last one makes me cringe, which is no great loss either. #burn it

Ask game for writers!

✍️ What's your writing process?

🌅 What time to you get up in the morning?

🌃 What time do you go to bed?

💤 Do you write down your dreams?

💻 Do you write on computer or by hand?

🎶 Do you listen to music while you write?

🥨 Do you snack while writing?

🛋 Where do you write?

🩸 Do you process trauma with writing?

🌸 Do you write about lovely things?

📝 Do you write poetry?

📖 Have you published a book?

☕️ What's your go-to drink while writing?

📑 How many drafts do you write on average?

👁 Do you have someone proofread for you?

✒️ Pens or pencils?

👩🏻‍🤝‍👨🏽 Around how many characters do you have total?

🙋🏽‍♂️ Who's your favorite oc?

😭 What's the saddest thing you've written?

🤣 What's the funniest thing you've written?

⏱ Do you have a writing schedule?

📒 Where do your jot down your ideas?

📚 Who's your favorite author (or a few of them)?

🗑 How hard is it for you to delete writing that gets cut?

[hintofelation99]

The Justice League Hangs out with Duke

Bruce: Duke, it's time we had the talk.

Duke: Uh... nope. No thank you. I'm not getting the sex talk from Batman.

Bruce: What? No! The Robin talk.

Duke: But, I'm- I'm the Signal now? Isn't it a bit late for a Robin talk?

Bruce: Son, it's never too late, not for this.

Duke: Um. Ok.

Bruce: When Dick, Jason, and Tim first started as Robins they created a tradition. A tradition that continued with Stephanie, Damian, and now you.

Duke: And that tradition is?

Bruce: Taking down the Justice League. By being annoying and slightly terrifying.

Duke: OHHHHHH. Is that why no one from the Justice League talks to me?

Bruce: Yes, yes it is. But don't worry. I made an arrangement that will allow you time alone with league members to continue the tradition. You have a week to prepare.

——————

Duke: Cass, what do I do?

Cass raises an eyebrow at Duke.

Duke: For the Robin tradition thing. I have to take down the entire Justice League in a night using creative, outlandish, and original methods. But it's already been done by Dick, Jason, Tim, Damian, and Steph. So what do I do? How can I be better than all of them.

Cass smirks: Take them down too.

Duke looking at Cass like she's crazy: What?

Cass: Take. Them. Down.

Duke: Holy shit, you are terrifying.

Cass just smiles and leaves.

-> One Week Later <-

Wonder Woman, Superman, Flash, Aquaman, Green Lantern, Black Canary, Martian Manhunter, Dick, Jason, Tim, Damian, and Steph gather in the Watchtower.

Duke: Hey guys, Batman just wanted to go through some training exercises with everyone. He'll be a little late. Harley and Ivy escaped Arkham and are trying to grow penis shaped shrubs in all the public parks. But, don't worry he asked me to go ahead and start with out him.

Green Lantern: Why are you leading this meeting?

Duke: Batman is running late and he wants me to practice leading meetings.

Green Lantern, glaring suspiciously at Duke: Are you about to do that stupid Robin tradition where you torture all of us?

Duke: What Robin tradition? Also, I'm not even a Robin? I'm the Signal.

Green Lantern continues to glare at him.

Superman: Calm down Green Lantern, the Robins never do this in front of each other.

Every League member seems to relax at this.

Duke acting confused: Uhhh, yeah. Ok, we have a few housekeeping things to do according to the list Batman left. So, I'll have everyone pair up for sparring while I handle these individually.

------

Everyone is in the training room working out or sparring. Duke approaches Tim.

Duke: Hey Tim, Bruce wanted you to look in to that Bludhaven case. Is that ok with you?

Tim: Yeah, why wouldn't it be?

Duke: Oh, I just thought it might be difficult considering what Dick did.

Tim: ...What did he do?

Duke: Wait, you haven't noticed? Oh no, I'm sorry I shouldn't have said anything.

Tim: Duke. Tell me what he did.

Duke: Well, Jason said that he replaced all your coffee with decaf.

Tim: THAT BASTARD. No wonder I've been feeling so tired! I'm going to kill him!

Duke: Wait, just stop! I heard that he hid all of it in Green Lantern's room.

Tim: Wait, why there?

Duke: Something about you being afraid of him.

Tim: WHAT?! I'm not afraid of the Green Nightlight! I'm gonna find that coffee then make Dick pay.

Duke: Oh, well cool, good luck!

------

Green Lantern: Um, what are you doing in my room?

Tim: Where is it?

Green Lantern: Where's what?

Tim: You know what I want. Give up now or face the consequences.

Green Lantern: WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

Tim: Fine. Consequences.

------

Steph, sparring with Duke: So, what's it like being the first meta bat?

Duke: Not too bad, but I could do with out the whole 'predict the future' thing.

Steph, laughing: What? You can not see the future.

Duke: I bet you $50 I can

Steph: Your on.

Duke, makes everything around him light up and uses a weird voice: In the next thirty minutes Green Lantern will flee the Watchtower in fear. Soon after Dick will be attacked by Tim.

Steph, snorts in obvious disbelief.

Steph: That was so fake-

Green Lantern runs out of the tower looking terrified.

Steph: No way.

Tim tackles Dick and they start fighting like three year old's on the floor.

Steph, handing Duke $50: Holy shit Magic Man.

Duke makes things light up and does the voice again: Oh my god.

Steph, looking excited: What?!

Duke: The- the sushi. The sushi you brought today, it's made from-

Duke pretends to choke back a sob.

Duke: It's made from the fish who was the maid of honor at Aquaman's wedding.

Steph: HOLY SHIT.

------

Steph and Aquaman sit beside each other for lunch, she pulls out her sushi and looks at Aquaman sadly.

Steph: I am so, so sorry for your loss. But just know that her sacrifice is not in vain.

Aquaman, looks confused for a second then sees the sushi: NOPE. Not this again! I'm leaving.

Steph: Wait! I'm sorry!

Aquaman leaves as Steph tries to chase him down.

------

Jason is laughing and filming as Dick and Tim fight.

Duke, whistles: Man, imagine if that video went on YouTube.

Jason, looking confused: What?

Duke: I'm just saying if the video of Red Robin and Nightwing fighting like kids ever got on YouTube, it'd go viral. Oh and they would be so pissed!

Jason, laughs: Too bad B would kill me if I uploaded this.

Duke: Yeah, I guess so. And you can't upload it here because then Superman would get in trouble.

Jason: Why would the boy scout get in trouble?

Duke: Cause he always uses his YouTube account on the Justice League computer. So it'd look like he uploaded it and B would find out that Superman watches cat videos while he's on monitor duty.

Jason, smirking: Huh, so you're saying if I upload this on the League computer I'd piss off Bruce, Tim, and Dick and get Supes in trouble?

Duke, acting innocent: Huh, I guess so.

-> A Few Minutes Later <-

A call from Bruce comes up on the main computer.

Superman: Hey Batman, what can I do for you?

Bruce: You, Red Hood, cave now.

Jason: What? Why me?

Bruce: Because I saw that little home video you uploaded of your brothers.

Jason: What, that wasn't me!

Bruce: I could hear you laughing while you filmed.

Jason: Dammit.

Jason and Clark leave for the cave pouting like kids.

------

Duke: Hey, Black Canary?

Black Canary: Yes Duke?

Duke: I'm sorry to do this on such short notice, but I'm very worried about Dick and Tim.

Black Canary: Why?

Duke: Well, Tim keeps claiming that Dick is out to get him. Something about Dick messing with his coffee? And Dick feels like he's just being attacked for no reason and is worried about Tim's health. Is there anyway you could intervene?

Black Canary, looking sighing and looking exhausted: Usually I have three days of preparation before dealing with bats.

Duke: I know it's just-

Duke gestures to Tim and Dick rolling on the floor fighting.

Duke: They really need help.

Black Canary: Alright, I'll see what I can do.

Black Canary attempts to intervene only to get pulled into the fight. Now the three of them are tangled in a huge, confusing fight, that's filled with yelling and hair pulling.

------

Duke: Damian! Quick!

Damian: What is it Thomas.

Duke: I think somethings wrong with Dick and Tim and maybe even Black Canary. They're all fighting and won't stop! Can you help me contain them so that we can figure out what's going on?

Damian: Fine. I shall help.

Duke: Ok, just try to herd them into this containment cell.

Damian joins the fight managing to get everyone, including himself, into the containment cell. As Damian is trying to leave Duke closes the cell. Damian angrily yells and bangs on the sound proof walls.

Duke: What? Sorry, can't hear you! My hand slipped!

------

Wonder Woman: Very well done Signal.

Duke, acting innocent: Hm?

Wonder Woman: You tricked Red Robin into scaring Green Lantern away, then into fighting Nightwing. Once that fight broke out you tricked Red Hood into uploading a video to the internet using the Superman's credentials. By uploading that video he caused both himself and Superman to face Batman's wrath. You also used the fight to trick Stephanie into annoying Aquaman to the point of leaving. Then you involved Black Canary in the fight, which was her downfall. And, as a final touch, you managed to get Robin into the fight and trapped all in a containment cell. You successfully eliminated 9 foes with one trick.

Duke: You mean 11.

Wonder Woman: What?

Duke: 11. You see, I didn't trick Red Robin, I tricked Nightwing. I had a week to prepare. In that week I convinced Dick that Tim needed to cut back on the caffeine and that Dick should help by switching all of Tim's coffee with decaf. I also convinced him to hide that coffee in the watchtower, in Green Lantern's room. So that was all true.

Wonder Woman: But, that still does not make 11?

Duke: It does. Because This morning I moved the coffee. I replaced the Flashes decaf with Tim's ultra caffeinated coffee. You see Tim has it specially manufactured to increase the caffeine levels. And, while Flash doesn't usually drink his coffee in the morning, he's always running late and forgets, he does drink coffee during training breaks. Which is now. So in about five minutes we will have an incredibly caffeinated speedster in the Watchtower. And since you're the only one around right now with a chance of catching him, that's your problem.

Right as Duke finishes Flash runs by, majorly hyped up on caffeine.

Duke: Checkmate.

------

Martian Manhunter: It appears that I am the last remaining League member.

Duke: Yeah, I don't really understand this tradition but apparently every Robin ends it by picking a favorite league member.

Martian Manhunter: Out of all the League members, why have you chosen me?

Duke: Your smart and have a lot of cool powers. Also, I dunno, I hear you sometimes feel like an outsider with the league. Cause, the whole martian thing. And I know it's not the same but, sometimes I feel like an outsider with the bats, being the only meta and all.

Martian Manhunter: You have chosen me so that we may bond over our lack of connections?

Duke: Uhhhh, yeah?

Martian Manhunter: Hm. Very well, I assume that this is your “Robin Weakness”. Apparently every Robin has one.

---------------------------------------------------

<- Previous |

[anautumncarol]

Okay so today whilst walking my dogs I crossed two breeds of creep (plus we had the feeling we were watched in the forest before crossing the two creeps) so to de-stress I decided to see how many song credits each member of stray kids had on Spotify and what Spotify considered their albums + Circus so here we go:

The albums are:

Mixtape

I am NOT

I am WHO

I am YOU

Clé 1 : MIROH

Clé 2 : Yellow Wood

Clé : LEVANTER

GO LIVE

IN LIFE (minus the songs on GL)

ALL IN (minus the songs that are just translations)

NOEASY

ODDINARY

N°8-7: Lee Know and Seungmin with 8 songs.

N°6-4: Hyunjin, Felix and I.N. with 9 songs each.

N°3: Han with 79 songs.

N°2: Changbin with 82 songs.

N°1: Bang Chan with 85 songs.

I have to note that 3RACHA might actually have one more song each as I may have accidentally skipped a song, however the ratio of songs for the three would stay the same.

Now onto some things I noticed as I did this:

1. Changbin is exactly in the middle of both Chan and Han who have three more and three less songs respectfully. Not very important but I just found it quite neat.

2. I did this in reverse chronological order and for a while Changbin was ahead of the rest of 3RACHA so I think its how hands on Chan was during their first albums that really changed the game for it.

3. This links to the previous statement but I now have this hypothesis that Changbin may have the most song writing credits of the three for skz songs in the future. And honestly I'm kinda happy since that might mean Chan won't overwork himself as much although I hope that it doesn't mean Changbin's overworking himself either.

Afterall, writing songs is hard work and the sheer amount of songs they pump out on a yearly basis is absolutely mind-blowing. Like ever since I became Stay we've had: a Christmas special, a mini album, a single and a world tour. Last time my three favourite rock bands released an album with all original songs was: 2018 (before skz even debuted), 2016 and 2010.

Thus, I really hope neither of the three end up overworking themselves a ridiculous amount, especially if it's with the mentality of giving another a break. And I know I'm being way too hopeful for this industry but it's better than nothing.

Not to mention the possibility that Chan writing less songs could be a hint of writer's block/burnout so let's just hope that's not the case.

4. Jisung got behind Changbin and Chan quite a bit (around 7/8 songs) during GO LIVE/IN LIFE era so I was wondering if something happened around that time but I think I around the time they did a lot more solo projects so it would make sense.

5. Chan is aparantly the only one to have produced skz songs that appear on the albums so if this were a list of who had the most credits for participation altogether he'd definitely be a lot higher that the others. However, since a lot of the time he produces its when he also had a job in writing the song (not always though, best example being Muddy Water) it would have made this process a lot messier.

6. Talking about producers, I have found the most reoccurring one to be VERSACHOI (although I may be wrong) and what I find most interesting is how they're always listed for producing and songwriting which really blurs this whole thing as I know some producers also ask for songwriting credit since when you produce you sometimes make last minute changes to the songs and henceforth some producers ask for writing credits and that's perfectly reasonable. Sometimes it's just for corporate though but that's usually with songs conceived to be world wide hits made eith enormous networks of song writers that make a song with over a dozen people just working on the hook so I highly doubt it's the case here, I'd have to search VERSACHOI up for that and I'm a bit too lazy for that.

7. Woojin actually ended up with credits for 6 songs which makes him one of the most credited members (after 3RACHA) during their first years so I'm kinda wondering how high he would have been on the list if he was still part of skz. But then again the past is the past and both are doing pretty well on their respective sides so there's no point in staying fixated on what could have been and refocus on what is.

8. I'm convinced that the reason as to why 3RACHA did not work on DanceRACHA's Wow is to completely disassociate themselves with that song title despite the fact their Wow is a national treasure and will forever be number one on my favourite 3RACHA songs list. Like to put it into perspective: DanceRACHA's Wow is the only song in the 103 I looked at taht had no credits attributed to 3RACHA whatsoever.

9. My Universe listed "Changbin" and then "Stray Kids" as the performers for My Universe despite the fact that in the song title it says it's by Seungmin and I.N and that there's only the three of them performing so I'm still trying to understand what went on there. My best guess is that they listed Seungmin and I.N as it's VocalRACHA's song and by that logic Changbin was the featuring artist which would make sense as he's individually listen which only really happens when someone has already done features which we know is the case with songs like Mirror Mirror.

10. Linking back to the previous point, I'm wondering what on earth their artist will be named if their solo stuff ever goes on Spotify. Like Changbin's featuring on Mirror Mirror says "Changbin of Stray Kids" although the one on My Universe just says "Changbin". On top of that during the credits it sometimes mentioned the 3RACHA in brackets behind and sometimes it would just be their names. Once it even just said "Chan". I'd understand if the 3RACHA was to identify that they're also a separate unit that make their own music but they don't have any hyperlinks nor songs on Spotify so it feels kinda weird. Furthermore, if we take into consideration the fact that they have their 3RACHA names (CB97, SpearB and J.One) which name would they take if they do post their solo stuff but associated it to 3RACHA and not skz? I'm probably looking way too into it.

Anyway, I want to quickly remind you that these are all speculations from observations I've made and that none of this is confirmed, don't take it as verbatim. Not to mention that my observations are from minor changes that are probably all coincidences with schedule and maybe they just weren't up for a certain song. Afterall we're talking about a 6 song gap out of 103, that's such a miniscule gap in the grand scheme of things.

[nishisun]

suna rintaro is NOT a genius.

summary: you loved the idea of soulmates. suna rintaro didn’t. it isn’t that hard to put two and two together to realize that maybe people with different opinions on things don’t belong together.

part 2

a/n: this was literally supposed to be a series, i gave up on it because i just didn’t like the way it turned out. it used to be called “out of my league” and this was the intro. i also renamed it. just emptying drafts!! please don’t get confused with the random timeskip, once again, this was a part of a series i never ended up posting😭

WARNING!!: suggestive themes, mentions of death, idk kinda angsty but tell me if i missed anything

Soulmates. Whatever the hell that means. The idea of soulmates is something I truly don’t understand. It’s bullshit, honestly. It’s all-pervasive.

My mother always told me I'd eventually find "the one.” I used to believe that when I was younger of course. But in my opinion? It’s all cliches. It's unhelpful, and it's certainly not true. Destiny is an excuse for the weak. Why do you think most marriages end in divorce? It's 'cause people who believe they are “destined to be" assume everything will fall into place without any effort. I don't appreciate people pontificating bullshit like that just to make me feel better, especially if they haven't found their "soulmate" themselves. My sister once told me, “People who believe in soulmates are more likely to break up and encounter more difficulty in their relationship, which will lead them to give up on one another eventually.”

I sure do believe that.

My mother is a prime example. Fumeiko Suna, my dear mother. Well, she clearly hasn’t found hers. I found out when I came home after a tedious day of school in 5th grade and found my dear mother on the floor crying, with bruises all over her face and a busted lip.

Initially, I thought a burglar had broken into our home once again, but if that were the case then there would’ve been missing furniture. But there wasn’t.

In fact, the place seemed cleaner than usual. When I ran up to her and asked her what had happened, there he was. The devil himself. My father. He reeked of alcohol, and I could detect his shadow towering over me. It’s funny how that I think of it. I used to fear that son of a bitch. Now, I’m way taller than him, and hate his guts. I turned around to see a faux-sympathetic smile plastered on his face.

He explained how my mother was being “clumsy” and had fell and busted her lip on one of the corners of the kitchen table and when I turned back around to face my mother, she smiled gently and nodded in agreement. She didn’t say anything after that.

It was then I realized my father had beat my mother to a pulp.

Long story short, when I found it was my father, sure, I was frightened. In fact, I remember going into my siblings’ rooms to inform them, they shrugged it off and told me that dad had been doing it for a while now.

Over time, when my dad had found out that I was aware, he didn't mind beating the absolute shit out of my mother in front of all three of us. This was when my burning hatred for that man started. Nobody in the house even attempted to stop him. I did a few times, though. He took all his anger out on me. At least my mom had a break for the day.

I almost pitied my mother. Almost. Maybe if she was strong enough to leave him, then yeah, I’d feel bad. But she still decides to stay with his sorry ass. It’s pathetic. It’s unrequited love or whatever you call it. How could she still love that asshole?

I mean, I’m not even going to lie, I’m an asshole too, but I’m definitely not my dad. I would never want to be him. He’s not someone I looked up to, he doesn’t do anything inspirational. He’s a businessman. He travels the majority of the time, and I’m pretty sure my mom invites men over when he’s gone. I don’t care enough to find out. But if I ever hear some guy rearranging my mom’s guts, I’ll kill him. I don’t even blame my mother. What she’s doing is wrong, she knows it and so do both of my older siblings. But they don't seem to care so why should I?

Who knows why she just won’t leave him. Maybe it’s cause they don’t want to ruin how people view our “picture perfect” family. I wonder what they’d say. “I thought the Suna’s were the ideal family? I guess not.”

My dad would probably lose it if he heard that.

Both my mother and my father are the cause of this broken family of mine. They never fed me or any of my siblings the love we always desired when we were younger. They never came to any of my volleyball games when I was younger. They never applauded me for the little recitals we’d have in class in primary school. They were never even here for most of my childhood. They always put money first and left us with the housekeepers. Hell, the housekeepers probably know me better than my own parents.They failed as parents. I despise them for it. They’re most likely the reason I am the way I am, but to be honest?

I don’t give a fuck.

In fact, I should thank them! Because of how they “raised” me, i’m extremely blunt, which is why people respect me. I use the hatred I have for my family and take it out on people and no, I’m not proud of that. I may be a heartless asshole, but I like that people fear me. The hell? Does that make me a sadist? Either way, people know to never fuck with me cause I’d fuck their shit up. I’ve overheard many people say it’s ‘cause of my privilege. It probably is. Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure can buy you many other things.

If my parents were broke, I’d probably be expelled from school by now. Abuse of alcohol and drugs are forbidden on school property. I don’t even take them at school, I somewhat care about my education and health, but sometimes I just need to blow some steam. Even if I did, nobody’s gonna say shit since my dad is the head of Japan’s board of education. How did his ass even get there?

Call me lonely or cynical. Maybe I am. But how is that a bad thing? Why do people need a significant other to rely on? What, a soulmate is just going to turn my life upside down then suddenly bring me happiness? Pfft, I’m gonna need actual proof that shit like that still happens. I’ve only seen shit like that in fairy tale movies. It’s whatever, though. I can live with being alone. I’ve basically been alone my whole life and it isn’t as bad as people make it.

You loved the idea of having a soulmate. The thought of meeting someone who just understood you, accepted you for who you were, and most importantly, loved you excited you. You couldn’t wait to meet your soulmate.

But recently, you weren’t sure soulmates existed.

When your older sister, Akira, came into your room and burst into tears, it frightened you. Your older sister, the one who’d always provide you advice on relationships and how to keep one was in your room sobbing hysterically because hers hadn’t worked out.

“I just can't believe it,” she sobbed.

You couldn’t believe it either. Your sister had recently gotten engaged to her boyfriend of 9 years. They started dating at the age of 15 and managed to make things work out even after high school, and out of all those years of dating, they never broke up. Not even once.

They’d go on romantic dates on Saturdays and they’d always write love letters to one another every day, just to remind one another of how grateful they were to have each other in their lives. On Halloween, they’d dress up as fictional characters from TV shows and books and take cute selfies and bake a bunch of sweets. They’d invite you to come bake with them, but you would politely deny. You knew they were only offering so you wouldn’t feel left out, which you appreciated.

Of course, they’d argue every now and then, but at the end of the day, they always managed to talk things out. Oh to have a relationship like theirs. They were everything you wanted to have in a relationship and more.

“I really thought he was the one for me, y’know?” No, you don’t know. But that doesn't matter. What mattered was cheering your sister up.

“Maybe he wasn’t ‘the one’ Akira, and that’s okay! People come and go all the time, soulmates come and go all the time as well-”

“You still believe soulmates are real, huh?” she let out a humorless laugh and sniffed her nose, “What If I missed my one shot at love, Y/N? What if I lost my soulmate?”

That’s some deep shit.

Now that you think about it, were soulmates real? Soulmates come and go, yes, you’re aware of that, but even though they leave, it’s always temporary. Soulmates always find a way back to their other half, the piece that completes them.

Your dad never made it back to your mother.

He died in a car crash 5 years ago. Your mother and father had been arguing because she claimed your father was cheating on her since he wouldn’t let her check his phone.

You were 13 at the time. Your sister Akira was accompanying you in your room, listening to them arguing back and forth with one another. There was furniture flying across the room, glass breaking, and both of them throwing curses at each other. You were scared. They never argued in front of you and your sister. They'd bicker sometimes, but it was never anything too deep.

Eventually, your father had enough of your mother’s false accusations, and out of anger, he packed his things and left home. For weeks. It wasn’t until one of your uncles called your mother and broke the news. She didn’t take it very well.

Late 2012-early 2013.

Not many people came to your father’s funeral, his family didn’t like the fact that he and your mother were together, they said your mother was trouble, but your dad still stayed with her, even if that meant it would completely destroy the bond he had with his family. Now that’s true love, you had thought. Only your mother, Akira, the Sunas, your uncle, and you, of course, attended the funeral.

It hurt a lot. It hurt when your mother informed both your grandparents on your mother and father’s side and all they could do is put the blame on her. It hurt how they had claimed you, Akira and your mother were a hindrance to your dear father’s well-being. How could they be so cruel at a time like this?

That was the first time you ever questioned if soulmates were real. Maybe they fell in love at the wrong time? Who knows.

After your father’s passing, Fumiko Suna, your mother’s best friend, was there to help your family out financially. Your mother couldn’t even find the motivating to go to work. Your mother and Fumiko have been best friends since junior high, they’ve literally been inseparable ever since. In fact, after they both got married, they decided to live right next to each other.

Your mom didn’t cope with your father’s death very well; none of you did. But your mom had it the worst.

She would cope with alcohol and clubbing which would always result in her bringing different men home almost every night. You didn’t say much about it, you thought it would be selfish to since that’s what seemed to make your mother feel better about herself, but your sister hated it. She was already 19 and in college at the time, but when she visited and found out that your mother had basically been neglecting you, she was furious.

“Seriously, mom? This is what you’re gonna do while your 13-year-old daughter is in her room having a literal mental breakdown because of your childish behavior?” Your sister had barged into your mother’s room when she thought you were asleep, she was screaming loud.

“You’re interrupting something important, Akira. You know better than to-”

“Oh, shut the hell up mom. You’re the last person on earth to be saying shit like that.”

“Well, if you’re done, you can leave my room now. You’re being disrespectful, and this behavior is not tolerated!” Your mother was screaming now. The man in the bed covering his body under the covers and looking back and forth between Akira and your mother.

“Sakiya, maybe you should hear your daughter out-”

“Not now.” your mother scarcely interrupted the man, eye contact never leaving Akira. “Y/N has never complained about this when you were in college. She knows this is my way of coping, why can’t you understand that too!”

Akira scoffed. “So what, getting fucked by random strangers you find on the filthy streets is your way of coping? Getting wasted every damn night to the point where Y/N has to drag you up to bed is okay with you? Do you even know how much this is affecting Y/N? Did you even bother asking her how she felt? I hate breaking it to you mom, but you need serious help.”

“You selfish child!” Your mother screamed, grabbing a towel and wrapping it around her body, getting up from the bed. “How dare you say that to your own mother?”

“I’m only telling the truth! If you’re the mother, then it’s your job to be taking care of Y/N, not neglecting her. When’s the last time you’ve engross in an actual conversation with her when you were fully sober?”

Your mother was silent. She quickly walked up to Akira and grabbed her by the hair and slammed her headfirst against the wall.

“You’ve got a big mouth! Maybe I should wash it with soap like I did back in the day, hm?” Akira was attempting to push her mother away, but she wouldn’t let go of her grip. The man that was still on your mother’s bed was in panic, yelling her name, which didn’t have any effect. He might as well stop.

"Look," Akira mumbled, struggling to get away from your mother's grip, "I know it's been hard ever since dad left-"

“Mom! Let go of her!” You cried from the door of her room.

All 3 adults froze and looked at your glassy eyes, mouths wide open.

“Hey, kiddo, I thought you were asleep?” Akira playfully said, your mother let go of Akira and crossed her arms then looked away from you.

“Well, I can't really go to sleep when there’s a bunch of adults yelling about my well-being,” you muttered incoherently. You quickly wiped the uncontrollable tears off your face and sighed.

“Honey,” your mom started, she walked slowly to you, carefully examined your face, and attempted to hug you, but you didn’t accept the offer which made your mother frown. She stopped walking until she was almost face to face with you and placed a hand on your shoulder gently. “Baby, your sister told me that you weren’t happy. Is this true?”

You looked away from her and stared dully at the floor, subtly shifting your feet, then you softly shook your head “no.”

“See Akira, Y/N is happy. So please stop stressing her out.” Your mother said through gritted teeth, then faced you once again. “Y/N honey, how about I go tuck you into bed, hm? I’m so sorry for the excessive noise that was caused.”

“Mom, how clueless can you be? Y/N looks miserable! It’s unhealthy for Y/N to be living-“

Slap.

Your mother just slapped Akira on the face.

“I know what’s best for my daughter! I am her mother! You are not the one who should be telling me how to take care of my own kid!”

“That’s enough, Sakiya.” a familiar voice said from the door.

“Fumeiko-“

“It’s fine. Sakiya, we need to talk.” It was Fumeiko Suna, your mother’s best friend, also known as your next door neighbor. She had been standing in the hallways the whole time, you didn’t even know she was there. Akira was the one who called her over.

That night your mother agreed to get help for her drinking problem. She was gone for 6 months. During those 6 months, the Suna’s took you in since Akira would be in college and you couldn’t have been more grateful.

You and Rintaro were the only kids in the house, being that you both were the same age and the others were in college. It was okay, they were all very polite, dinners were awkward, you could feel some sort of tension between the family but you didn’t pay any attention to it.

When your mom finally came back, it was awkward at first. She still seemed the same, loving and caring, just sober and free of alcohol. It was nice. You two spent the weekends bonding at the mall, watching a movie, or even getting your nails done. Eventually, she gained your trust back, and you couldn’t have been happier.

January 2017.

“Akira, don’t say that. You may not believe me now, but you are such an amazing person, don’t ever think you’ll never find love again. It’s all about having a positive mindset!” you said, thoughtfully stroking her hair as her head laid on your chest.

“I told you that.”

“You did,” you chuckled, “you should take your own advice.

“Oh, shut up!” you both laughed, and Akira let out a shaky sigh. “Thank you, Y/N.”

“Of course, you don't need to thank me. I love you.”

“I love you too.”

— so this is one of the writings that i wrote in January 😭 it’s been in my drafts and i re-read it once and instantly hated it right after. if there’s any typos please tell me!!

— also i wanna apologize again for putting gmds on hiatus,, i feel so bad 😭 i wanna make it up to you guys but idk how so if you have suggestions pls tell me