#but it’s not stopping me from experiencing joy. my life is different now but it’s still a good one

[mars-ipan]

[5sospenguinqueen]

Growing Pains | Oscar Piastri x Reader

Summary: When fans begin commenting about your future plans, Oscar begins to worry that your long-term relationship is preventing you from truly experiencing life. 

Warnings: Swearing. Angst. Self-sacrificing Oscar haha. Childhood sweethearts

Female reader with various faceclaims. Pics found on Pinterest.

2023 season

Less baby-fever, more baby panic haha. I'm so sorry if these aren't as baby-centered as the others. I've been trying to make them a little different.

Main Masterlist

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YourUserName just posted

liked by alexandrasaintmleux, danielricciardo and others

YourUserName i love weekends off with you <3

978 comments

oscarpiastri you didn’t post the one of me with my face in the water? that is the sweetest thing you’ve ever done for me

→ YourUserName only because your ass was in the air and i’m the only one allowed to see that 

→ oscarpiastri oh

→ landonorris @ oscarpiastri well, now you’ve told the internet that it exists, we need to see it

→ User1 lando is one of us 

danielricciardo i’m still your favourite australian though, right? 

→ YourUserName no. i’m my own favourite australian

→ oscarpiastri you tell ‘em, sweetheart 

→ User2 SWEETHEART!!!

User3 i know they’re only young but when can we expect a wedding

→ User4 they’ve been together for long enough. they’re practically already married at this point

→ User5 their wedding would be so cute. can you imagine all the f1 appearances we would get? 

→ User6 mark webber in a tux 🤤

mclaren our favourite young couple

→ landonorris hey! 

→ mclaren you and daniel don’t count anymore

→ danielricciardo hey! 

User7 papaya wedding when? 

oscarpiastri just posted

liked by mclaren, charles_leclerc and others

oscarpiastri my favourite girl 💕

2,664 comments

YourUserName don’t let suzie hear you say that. she’ll be distraught

→ oscarpaistri maybe you should drive her more and she’ll love me less

→ YourUserName whoa, i thought this was an appreciation post for me, why are you throwing shade

→ landonorris why would she drive her own car when she has you to do it for her?

→ YourUserName exactly! 

→ User9 wait, suzie is a car? i was hoping they had a pet or something we didn’t know about 

User10 the disrespect to have lando’s # on her back but be stood in front of oscar’s garage 

logansargeant yet i suggest she support driver #2 and i had holes poked in all my juice boxes 

→ oscarpiastri you can never prove that was me

→ YourUserName i have video footage

landonorris everyone can relax, she’s wearing the shirt because she lost a bet. oscar was a good sport about it 

→ YourUserName i got soooo many dirty looks that day. the fans did not like me

→ oscarpiastri i still think you’re beautiful. not as beautiful with MY number splashed only our back but

→ YourUserName you know 81 is my favourite number

→ YourUserName (and sometimes 16)

→ charles_leclerc forza ferrari

User11 the fact that they fell in love during the most awkward years of a person’s life and have continued to love each other when they got hot

→ User12 they saw the potential in each other 

User13 the fact that he’s loved you since you were 14 and continues to love you more each day 🥹

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YourUserName just posted

liked by racerbia, alex_albon and others 

YourUserName i’m so proud of you, osc. another podium in a long-line of many. thank you for sharing your joy and success with me. 🧡🧡

when i befriended the nerdy 12 year old who wouldn’t stop talking about engines, i never imagined that you would be dragging me around the world. don’t get me wrong, i always believed you would make it this far. i just thought i would’ve managed to break free from you before then 😂 however, i’m so glad i didn’t because you are my favouritest guy in the whole world, and seeing you on that podium made me cry more than watching the supernatural series finale 

1,220 comments

YourUserName oh, and well done to lando on P3, i guess

→ landonorris you guess???

User1 time for another round of: is he looking at lando or y/n in the 3rd pic?

→ landonorris it was y/n this time :( 

→ YourUserName you get loads of pics of him looking at you like this, let me have my moment

oscarpiastri thank you for coming with me around the world and supporting me no matter what. you’ve been one of my biggest supporters these past 8 years and i don’t think i could’ve done it without you by my side. i love you so much, even if i come second to dean winchester 🧡🤍

→ User2 P2 in your relationship as well

→ oscarpiastri only because y/n is p1

→ YourUserName stop making me love you more and more each day. i might explodeeeee

User3 my parents. i need them to adopt me because they’re just so cute 

User4 drenched in champagne is a good look for piastri 

thisisnotyn the pirelli cap needs to stay on during sex 

→ User5 is this y/n’s secret account 

landonorris this is so cute. excuse me whilst i puke

maxverstappen1 a delight to share the podium with your boyfriend for the 2nd time

→ User6 y/n’s boyfriend and y/n’s boyfriend’s boyfriend on the podium with max 2x in a row 

→ YourUserName omg max verstappen commented on my post! you’re like my favourite driver ever

→ oscarpiastri you agreed not to mention this in public

→ charles_leclerc @ YourUserName i thought it was me

→ landonorris i thought it was me

→ fernandoalo_official jokes on all of you, she told me it was me

→ aussiegrit you're all wrong. it's me

User7 if you guys are after a third, i’m free?

→ User8 how could you say this to the cutest couple on the grid

→ User9!because y/n has said worse and is more unhinged than we think but oscar’s pr manager has gotten to her recently 

User10 i’m gonna have to agree with @ OscarPastryyy just because they’ve been together forever doesn’t change the fact that they’re still young

User11 yeah they’ve been together for a while but that doesn’t mean that having children is their only option. they’re still technically children themselves 

NicolePiastri he doesn’t know how to do his own washing. trust me, he’s not ready for children. Y/N on the other hand, has been keeping that boy alive since they were 12

→ User12 nobody humbles an f1 racer more than mama piastri 

User13 @ CHICKEN!! is so real for that. max is only 4 years old than them and yet everyone talks about him, kelly and P being a family and when are him and kelly getting married, but y/n and oscar have been together for longer than kelly has been a mother so… 

User14 i think people only focus on their age and forget about their experience. i went to school with them and they still act just as infatuated with each other now as they did when they were 14.

→ User15 but they’ve also only been with each other. perhaps they should try dating other people before committing to the rest of their lives 

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YourUserName just posted

liked by aussiegrit, logansargeant and others

YourUserName quando a Roma 🇮🇹❤️ tagged: YourBFF, YourBFF2

1,009 comments

YourBFF i told you that pic of you by the fountain would look amazing

→ YourBFF2 i think if we pumped another cocktail in her, she’d have gone swimming in it

→ YourUserName stop making me sound like a sloppy drunk

→ YourBFF you were sloppy anyway 

→ YourUserName bitch

→ YourBFF2 it’s part of being in your 20s. welcome! 

→ YourUserName not funny. 

User1 guys, oscar hasn’t commented. he always comments on posts with her in, even if they’re posted by friends/family 

mclaren orange drinks to support your favourite f1 team this weekend?

→ YourUserName you know it. papaya pride! 

→ YourBFF2 she actually said that to herself when she took the pic. you’ve indoctrinated her

lilymhe cute post but you’re coming to sichuan with me next

→ YourUserName just name a date and time, and i’m yours

→ alex_albon what is it with you and stealing f1 drivers’ partners 

→ YourUserName i think that just means i have the most rizz 

User2 you mean to tell me that she’s in rome the weekend that oscar is all the way in america? so, she’s not going to be at the race 🤔

→ User3 she doesn’t have to go to every one

→ User4 i know but she’s said loads of times that she tries to make all of them

User5 all of you calling y/n a bad girlfriend but are we forgetting that they’ve already been together for 8 years, and have known each for 10. they’re at the point where they don’t have to be glued to the hip all the time

→ User6 literally. like they’ve been together longer than some of the married couples on the grid 

→ User7 yeah but it’s just unlike them. how do they go from being infatuated with each other to distancing within 2 weeks without there being some cause? it wasn’t a natural progression

logansargeant i can’t believe you didn’t bring me back a gift.. you said you would

→ YourUserName i also said i’d wear a williams t-shirt one race but we all know that ain’t happening

→ User8 is this logan shooting his shot? 

alexandrasaintmleux i knew that would dress would look good on you. you look radiant 

→ YourUserName my favourite shopping partner 

→ charles_leclerc my girl has good taste

→ YourUserName not if she’s dating you 

→ charles_leclerc you have hurted my feelings 

User9 y/n hasn’t been able to terrorise oscar on social media and it’s showing because sis has been dragging the grid in their comments haha

→ User10 she’s so funny. i bet they’re fearful anytime her name pops up in their notifs 

User11 i love how we all sound insane to other people but us oscy/n stans know we’re right because they’ve been a constant media presence since his f2 days 

User13 i hate to say it but what if we’re the reason they broke up? we couldn't stop talking about them getting married and having kids lately, and what if it freaked them out… 

User14 i can’t imagine oscar piastri without y/n y/l/n. i only really follow f1, not f2 but he’s always been oscar and y/n since he started. it would be akin to not seeing him in mclaren 

mclaren just posted

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mclaren get you a teammate who looks at you the way these two look at each other #unitedstatesgp

1,559 comments

oscarpiastri 🧡

racerbia team papaya! 🧡

User1 poor oscar, such a shame he had to retire after minimal contact

User2 not to be that person but it was defo because y/n wasn’t there. she’s his good luck charm 

YourUserName well done lando! 

User3 anyone else getting more and more confused by oscar and y/n’s relationship purely because of their media presence

→ User3 for info, she posts that she’s in rome the weekend he is in america, proving that she isn't attending the race. oscar likes the post but doesn’t comment despite y/n looking beautiful in that post (1/4)

→ User3 then she’s not spotted in the paddock, further proving that she’s defo not at the race. plus, whenever oscar was asked about her during interviews, lando quickly changed the topic for him (2/4)

→ User3 then oscar crashes and y/n doesn’t post ANYTHING about the race but when he dnf’d in bahrain and belgium, she put numerous posts on her story about how proud of him she was (3/4)

→ User3 and now she congratulates lando on the mclaren post but doesn’t even mention her long-term boyfriend?? (4/4)

→ User4 you have too much time on your hands and are reading too much into things. i’m sure she’s facetimed him to see how he’s doing and told him she’s proud of him 

User5 okay but if a man looked at me the way oscar and lando look at each other, i would marry him on the spot 

danielricciardo @ oscarpiastri first your girlfriend tries stealing my seat, and now you’re stealing my lando. you two are giving aussie's a bad name

→ landonorris you’re the only for me, boo

→ danielricciardo don’t lie. the pictures show everything 

User6 i miss when we couldn't tell if he was looking at lando or y/n like that. now we know it’s lando because y/n isn’t in the paddock 

As always, requests are welcome!

Baby Fever Angst Masterlist

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[cursedvida]

Clean Sky || Noa x Mae

Authors note: just a little oneshoot of this couple bc they inspired me so much. Not warnings, just Noa having a meltdown. English isn't my first language so i'm sorry in advance lol.

Humans were nothing more than echoes of a world that existed far from his own, outside the comfort of his village, and they had never sparked even the slightest curiosity in him. He knew they were wild, irrational beings, sometimes stealing ape's food if they weren't careful enough. Scavengers like any other animals, nothing out of the ordinary. Noa had never seen one in person, but he hadn't had any particular interest in doing so either.

Ironically, now he can't stop thinking about them.

Specifically, about her.

He often wonders what became of the human girl. Echo, Nova, Mae. As many names as faces, as many facets as secrets she holds. During the arduous mornings of work trying to rebuild the village, the young ape finds himself surprised more times than he'd like, thinking about how that skinny-legged, weak-armed human must be wandering alone in such a hostile world. Humans are quick and agile, but also fragile and delicate. During their time traveling together, Noa often felt that, if he wanted to, he could easily break her in two. If he had embraced her with the same fervor with which he pounced on Soona or Anaya, he probably would have broken her a bone. But then he reminds himself that it makes no sense to consider such a thing, because he would never have embraced a human, nor would he do so now.

Days pass and life in the village returns to normalcy, the routines that once brought him joy now become monotonous and bland, as if something inside him tells him that this is not where he should be. There is something within him, an inexplicable urge that pushes him to go beyond what he has always known. Perhaps it's because he hasn't completely shaken off the anxious anguish he felt watching his entire clan disappear, or it may be because of the infinite enormity of the world beyond the walls of his home he experienced during his travel. But at some moments, he realizes that maybe it's all because of the stars that, every night, remind him of the universe he saw through that human machine and that Mae seemed to long for as much as he did.

On clear nights, Noa can't help but wonder if the human is seeing the same sky as him, if the stars shining so brightly from his village are the same ones she can see. He never got to know much about her, and the little she wanted to reveal was probably lies, but there was something in her eyes the last time they met, a certain melancholic sparkle that has stuck inside him like a huge thorn he's unable to remove. He doesn't quite understand why the image of the girl's moist eyes comes to mind every time he closes his eyes on nights illuminated by the headlights of the universe, but every time he recalls her face, he feels a current that urges him to run away from there as fast as possible, leaving him utterly terrified.

He had never been interested in leaving his village or living away from his clan. His mother, his friends and the people he grew up with mean everything to him, and yet suddenly he remembers that human hands are terribly similar to his own, only much smaller, with fingers so delicate they almost resemble brittle branches. He had touched Mae's hand a couple of times, unintentionally, feeling skin devoid of calluses or roughness, smooth and soft skin that made him wonder how it could resemble him so much and yet be so terribly different.

[asapeveryday]

NEVER THE BRIDE

Oikawa Toru x Reader

Your best friend is getting married and it’s starting to seem like you’ll never get to have that experience. The grooms best man serves as a reminder…or perhaps a change.

INHALE, EXHALE. You’re starting to feel a normal beat, a comfortable rhythm in your breathing as you coax these two words to yourself in the bathroom mirror. Your tears have mostly dried, your makeup has been touched up, your eyes are only slightly red-rimmed.

Inhale, exhale. You haven’t cried this erratically since your high school boyfriend broke up with you. The idea seems so small and irrelevant now compared to all the adult troubles you’ve experienced so far.

Inhale, exhale. Today is the best day of your best friends life thus far. She is legally entwined with a man she’s in love with, she’s going to spend the rest of her days next to him, working through every obstacle and celebrating every achievement. She’s not just your friend anymore, she’s someone’s wife, and soon enough she’ll be someone’s mother.

Inhale, exhale. You feel your stomach lurch as you exit the washroom and spot him at your table, laughing, joking, celebrating the love his own friend Hajime has found in your best friend. You can feel a billion memories stampede any prior attempts to stay collected.

Being next to the bride just hours earlier at the ceremony was colourful and exciting. Being her maid of honour cemented the depth of your friendship even more, even though you had been fighting this nagging feeling that she was leaving you behind. You could stay positive, all you had to do was avoid his gaze as he stood across from you, beside the groom.

When the vows were being read it became apparent just how much he was staring at you, as if begging, no, challenging you to look at his face.

To have and to hold from this day forward.

He clenched his jaw ever so slightly when your eyes flitted to his.

For better, for worse,

You held his gaze despite the growing, gnawing feeling of yearning inside of you at the memory of watching him outgrow your love.

for richer, for poorer,

He shifted on his feet, undoubtedly remembering the many arguments money once caused you two.

in sickness and in health,

The sight of his pale skin accumulating an embarrassed blush that you often saw when he would catch a cold after training outside for too long flashed through your mind.

to love and to cherish,

He practically winced at these words spoken. His face was tense, uncomfortable, but un breaking under your stare. Had he cherished you?

till death do us part.

Words you had wished you’d been able to utter, staring him in the face like you were then…only under different circumstances.

Snapping back to reality, you shake off the residual sadness as best as you can before returning to your table where your problem resides.

“Having fun?” He says, turning to look at you as you sit down.

“Plenty.” You respond curtly. “I’ve been rooting for my girl and Hajime since day one.”

“So have I.” He responds, though the far-away look in his eyes makes you shiver. He’s analyzing you in this awful way, searching for any hidden feelings. You used to hate it when you were together.

“Quit staring at me, Oikawa.” You mutter, and he’s taken aback for a moment.

“Oikawa?” He says, eyebrows furrowed. “Toru. Please, call me Toru.”

“You stopped being Toru a while ago.” You scoff, turning your head. He doesn’t say anything. Even when the table slowly empties into the dance floor and there’s nobody else to distract from the tension, neither of you say anything at all.

You find yourself looking at the mass of people, couples and friends spinning and dancing, laughing and crying tears of joy. You’ve witnessed the same scene over and over again throughout the past year, and you’ve become more and more ashamed with each wedding you’ve attended. Not too long ago you had thought one of these weddings would be yours.

“Does it still bother you?”

You jerk your head towards the voice. “What?”

“Er, does it still hurt you. The weddings.” Oikawa says quietly. You remember now that he was aware, that you had told him about how left behind you felt. You also remember thinking he might be the one to resolve your problem.

“What do you think?” You finally say, turning your body towards him. “Everyone is settling down and I’m alone. All of those weddings this past year, alone? Yeah, it still hurts.”

“You weren’t alone for all of those weddings.” He says, almost too quickly, though you can tell he regrets it. You can feel anger bubbling inside of you regardless. Oikawa had been your plus one almost every time.

“I might as well have been.” You snap. “Or else I would’ve been tied down by now.”

A beat passes. You’re looking down, playing with the plastic table coverings. You know he’s looking straight at you.

“I’m sorry.” He says, soft and considerate. A tone that once soothed you.

“Don’t be.” You say. “You chose your career and it worked. Plus, we would’ve never made it through that, not with your travelling to all these foreign countries, with foreign women and…” you trail off, feeling embarrassed. He wasn’t able to give you what you wanted: stability. It wasn’t in his schedule. He needed to take risks to ensure his place in the world was set, not as your husband, but as an athlete.

“You’re not the only one who’s hurt by weddings.” Oikawa says. You just look up, hoping he elaborates.

“Me n’ Iwa used to always say we’d have a double wedding.” He chuckles, though it’s slightly hollow. “I remember thinking it wouldn’t work out. He always said I’d probably beat him to it, me being a bit of a ladies man in school and all.” He mumbles the last bit under his breath.

“It’s, uhm. It’s just embarrassing. Looking back at how I just assumed love would come so easily to me. And here I am at his wedding. He found someone he wants to spend the rest of his life with before I even managed to establish my career. He found someone he loves.” He finishes.

“And you?” You ask just above a whisper. Oikawa sucks in a breath before meeting your eyes.

“I did too. But I threw it away.”

You hold your breath as you look at him, face warming and body honing a shell shocked buzz. You hold the brunette boys gaze for what seems like ages before one of the bridesmaids comes to your table.

She tells you and Oikawa that the best friends of the bride and groom should be on the dance floor, pulling you and him with each hand and patting you on the back when you glare at her. You awkwardly walk behind him, weaving between masses of white clothed tables to reach the space in the middle of the venue, it’s packed with people and concentrated with upbeat music.

The party music fades to a more somber tune as you and Oikawa enter the crowd. The bride and groom have already had the first dance, so this dance is obviously meant for any other couples. You watch as children and singles filter out, though many friends stay back for the fun of it. You glance around search for someone else to be with during the song when Oikawa turns around to face you.

His hand is held out to yours in an invitation that makes your heart both swell and ache. You stare at his calloused palms and extended fingers in a moment of contemplation, but when he utters a quiet “please” You finally slip your hand in his.

One hand gingerly finds the small of your waist while the other holds your own. His thumb grazes soothing strokes on the skin of your hand and you can feel him looking at your face with such intensity, likes he’s memorizing your features.

You haven’t been this close to Oikawa in ages, you haven’t been handled so softly in just as long. You forgot about the stray sunspots on his face, about the way his ears grow pink when flustered, about how he takes you in so completely. Dancing with him is reminding you of so many beautiful things you’ve forgotten.

“I want you back.” He says.

“If your best friend wasn’t getting married before you would you have still wanted me back?” You quip.

“Forget about Iwa. I wanted you back the minute it ended.”

You glare at him as the two of you slowly spin through the floor. His expression is serious, eyebrows furrowed and mouth tight-lipped.

“I don’t know if I can take another disappointment.” You say. “Not from you, not from anybody.”

You inhale, you exhale. Surprisingly he does too. Your palm is starting to sweat, though he doesn’t pull away. Your breathing is in sync with his.

“I missed you, Toru.” You sigh. Your voice wavers at the confession, but his eyes sparkle at the use of his given name, at the reciprocation of his feelings.

“I’ve wanted to hear that for so long.” He smiles with relief.

“And I’ve wanted to wear white. And be with someone who’ll be mine for the rest of my life.” You respond, frowning. “I don’t know if you can manage that.”

He thinks for a moment, eyes trained on yours still as if it would kill him to look away. He smells like the apartment you two once shared, like the past and something more new and mature.

“Back then I probably couldn’t.” He admits, a small and ashamed smile pulling at his lips. “But I know I can now.”

Inhale, exhale. The song is ending soon, and you’ll be back to your table. You can say no and never be this close to him again, or you can say yes and fight for a chance to be more than a bridesmaid someday.

“I’ll need time.” You finally decide. “And commitment for real this time.”

The music fades and couples begin to part ways. Toru’s hand leaves your waist but his other stays entwined with yours. “All yours.” He says, and you can feel that he means it.

[ask-the-archs]

Hello, my little travellers, it’s been a while since you’ve heard from me directly… or do I call you my questiers? It is so hard to remember at times… ah, no matter. It has been a while since you both have been conscious, so maybe now it is time for you to awaken…

🔆Who are you?🔆

I am me, the person behind the words on a screen that makes your stories. Though I have stories of my own that I live through, so I am not the end, nor can anyone truly be the end, nor should they.

🔆But why us? Why me?🔆

Because it was not meant to be your ends, not permanently, at least. In all honesty, I needed a break from writing your quests, your stories, your good and bad times.

I am sure that you, Apollo, will remember those times when things didn’t quite make full sense, not coherently, at least.

I am sure that you remember a time when you were called differently, and did not correct anyone for a long time.

I am sure that you remember parents who only loved you after you died.

I am sure that you remember inventing life in your own way, with Sionnach, Ean and even Flicker.

I am sure that you remember what happened up until it all stopped. Up until your world, your version of existence ground to a halt.

🔆I… how do you… what about them?🔆

They will not remember anything from before this, a blessing and a curse. They have not had rest for as long as you in their infinitely longer existence. Not that that is wholly not my fault, but sometimes the words on a screen become animated into something slightly more than just characters. You change and morph and move into your own beings, and tend to gain the attention of more beings on my level of existence.

“Why do you care what happens to us?”

You are my stars come to life, your stories are based in truths I have experienced, and truths others have experienced. Your pain, joy, grief, suffering, sadness and everything else are all based in some truths.

I care because you are mine, your stories, your very existence is mine to tell and twist and rework.

I care because I am one of the beings watching over your universe and I created you both out of love, to give love.

I care because I am the one who gave you life as you knew it, and the one who took your lives away to give your souls a break.

I care because you are light itself, the guidance and the bringer of day respectively.

I care because you are yourselves, and that, in itself, is enough for me to care for you.

“But what if you’re wrong?”

What do you think I am wrong about, little travelling questier?

“What if I fail at all you said is my fate?”

Then I am wrong, and you fail. There is nothing wrong with failing, it means you tried.

But the universe truly loves you, little travelling questier.

🔆But what of me? Is anything as I once knew it to be?🔆

Some things have stayed similar, though you will be interacting with new people more often than not. The universe is cruel, even to the ones it loves, but it does also love you, Apollo.

There are some things that neither of you will be able to understand just yet, and there will be memories that remain just out of reach for both of you.

“Both of us?”

Yes, both of you, bright star.

“Why are you calling me that?”

You are the personification of the first star of the night, the star of guidance and hope, but you are also called many other things. Gabriel is one of them, in the universe you are from.

“What gained me that name?”

You are the hero of your god, which gave you that for a name. It is a good name because you are a good person.

“What makes me a person, let alone a good one?”

Because you are words on a screen.

Because you are actions in a world that you made your own.

Because you are alive and dead and nothing and everything.

You are a person because you exist as you are and as you were, and you are good because you are you.

You are the first star of the night, the orienter and guider, the guardian of all of those who happen to be in your radius. You are Gabriel.

But when you awaken, you will not remember who you used to know, who you used to love. You will not remember your partner or parent or siblings or family, you will not even remember you had such a thing.

🔆Is that not mean? For them to know they had all of that but not remember?🔆

It is as it is, my questier.

🔆How come they get a nickname beyond that?🔆

Because you have moved far beyond the base title I gave you as a nerdy questier, and because they will always remain a traveller at heart, even when they are unable to act on it.

But now, it has been long enough that I have held you away from your world, your lives, your journeys.

Now, you are both going to be alive, and you are not going to be the same as you were.

Now, you know that the universe loves you, and that you are loved.

Now, you are aware that you are words on a screen.

Now, you are aware that your lives, your words, your thoughts and feelings and actions, are being watched over by many of my friends.

Now, you are going to awaken and find a new normal, away from the maker of your quests.

.

.

.

Wake Up.

.

.

.

*Two figures of light, one completely white, while the other is made of a rainbow of colours, but mainly blue and green, appear in Lucifer’s throne room.*

(Open RP starter!

@aspenvelaz , @king--of--ducks , @the-very-nerdy-blogger , @the-0verseer-watches , @penguinmaster9999 , @headlessdeaddancer , @featheryhoe , @bigdoginthesky )

(🔆Apollo🔆 can be found @apollo-and-co )

[twisted-tales-of-all]

First and Last Dance

Summary: After dying, you refuse to follow your reaper into the afterlife before experiencing what sex feels like. Pairing: Park Seonghwa x afab!Reader Genre: Smut, Horror, One-Shot Tropes: virgin!reader, grim reaper!AU, first and last time Word Count: 2.4K Contains: mild corruption kink, mentions of alcohol and drugs, discussion of dying in a fire, waking up disoriented, memory loss, cursing, pet names (sweetheart, love, baby girl, sir), unprotected sex, oral (f. receiving), marking, praise, multiple orgasms, fingering (f. receiving)

"Ugh," you groan as you wake up, gripping your head tight thanks to your hangover. "Fuck, did I really do that much last night?"

Looking around with squinting eyes, you find yourself in an unfamiliar room. The dark grey walls and black-out curtains certainly help your headache, but you can't remember how you got here or where here even is.

The creak of the door draws your attention. In walks a beautiful man with hair like raven feathers and an outfit matching the dark room. Quickly, your brain runs through an empty shelf of memories, trying to figure out whether you did something with this gorgeous man and forgot. Patting your body, you find all your clothes on your body, but not quite intact. Noticing holes in the fabric, you push down the covers to figure out the damage. Strangely, you find scorch marks all over your shirt - a burned hem cutting its original length, small holes with blackened edges from sparks flying onto the flammable fabric, even a full sleeve missing.

Before you can ask about the night prior, the stranger speaks, "You probably don't remember. That tends to happen." He pulls a chair closer to the bed, sitting back and relaxing. As if running on a script, he rallies off information, "Last night, you were at a party. An accident happened, where someone dropped a lit cigarette into some spilled alcohol. Not very many people survived, as the alcohol fire spread quickly and most of the party goers were impaired by the various drugs and alcoholic drinks."

A fire? You remember everyone's screams shifting from excited to terrified, but can't remember the flames themselves. With that big of a disaster, you wouldn't have expected to forget, even under the influence.

"At least I made it out safe."

"You didn't, Y/N." The man reveals with a look of boredom on his face, "That's why I'm here. My name is Seonghwa, and I'm a reaper. It is my job to collect the newly deceased and lead you into the afterlife."

"No."

Finally showing emotion in his reaction, Seonghwa doesn't know what to say, frozen in shock. Nobody has outright denied him like this. They've fought, cried, cursed him, and even struck him, but nobody has had your composure to simply say no.

"I can't die yet. I haven't done so many things. I've barely even hugged people I found attractive. What about my first kiss, my first time? Or traveling with someone I love? I can't die when I haven't done any of that. Send me back."

There it is. A line Seonghwa's heard time and time again. But this time, it's framed differently. No first kiss? Seonghwa empathizes with you, as a reaper who often wonders of the joys of living. Reapers, of course, weren't granted that chance; forged by the gods of death with the sole purpose of easing their jobs, reapers often face a tedious, repetitive life. Most were okay with it, as that is all they ever knew, but everyone hears stories of those driven crazy after too many interactions with humans.

"I cannot send you back. You're already dead, and that's out of my powers. I simply lead you to the proper afterlife."

Your posture drops as he explains this. All you ever wanted was a sweet love story in your life, and now it won't happen. Despite this, your urge to at least try something still rages within you. So much so that you don't even try to stop yourself from asking Seonghwa a desperate question.

"Could you show me what love is like? Or at least let me feel what it's like to kiss and touch someone?"

Caught off guard by the unexpected request, Seonghwa forgets his words for a moment, his mouth hanging open slightly. You look at him, anticipating his answer and hoping he'll give in.

"You want to kiss me? To touch me?"

"Why not? You have a pretty face, a nice voice, and probably a body sculpted by gods. Why wouldn't I? You seem nice, too."

Something in the naivety of your words pulls at him. Urges he didn't know he held surface as you pout at him, and he can't stop himself from wanting to show you everything he can before leading you to your final resting place. Here, in the confines of these smoke-colored walls where time stands still and everything lies in limbo, Seonghwa breaks his personal protocol to indulge in something dark bubbling inside him. Without saying another word, he pushes himself off the chair and kisses you. He moves so fast that you can't catch your breath before his lips are mingling roughly with yours. Your hands find their way to his chest while his snake behind you, one on your upper back and the other resting on your hip.

He brings you closer, tightening the gap. As you both pant out in breaks from the sloppy kiss, your body heats up. Although you're certain you can't be kissing very well based on how much more work he's doing, he doesn't seem to pay it any mind. His luscious lips overtake yours with ease, you feel every movement amplified. The moment his cold hands slide under the remaining fabric covering you, it feels so enticing against your hot body, cooling your back down with a simple touch. Slowly, you find him guiding you to lie on the bed. He hovers above you, looking down on you as he appreciates the look on your face - a look begging for more but not knowing what that might entail; a mix of fear and longing.

Your innocence spurs him on more than he thought possible; even just seeing you looking at him and trying to steady your breathing drives him insane. His usually loose pants much more snug thanks to his erection, Seonghwa refuses to hold himself back. With a quick swipe of his hand, your shirt rips apart, revealing your bare stomach and beautifully adorned chest. With a deep growl and another swipe, your pants fall to the sides of your legs, leaving you lying under him in your matching bra and panty set.

"What a wonderful color on you." His hand lingers on your waist as he admires how well the color of your underwear suits your skin tone, "I almost don't want to rip it off of you. Almost."

Leaning in, Seonghwa leaves kisses all over your uncovered body, marking you in places he knows will feel best for you - under your ear, along your collarbone, on both hips, right above the covered portion of your chest. Although his kisses are soft, his marks turn aggressive as he sucks hard and even bites down on some spots.

Along with the rough marking, his hands make quick work of the little remaining fabric on your body. When his lips reach fabric, he quickly works to remove it. Unlike before, he takes care not to rip apart your undergarments, bringing a temporary sense of kindness to his actions. Unbeknownst to you, he's careful with them so he can hold onto them after you leave him - a souvenir of sorts. That kindness doesn't last long, not when your naked body is on full display for him. Looking down at you, he can feel himself salivate at your inexperience as it leaves you slightly covering yourself in nervousness. His eyes darken before he moves further down the bed, spreading your legs to place his face snuggly between them.

"Y-You don't have to-"

"Sweetheart," he growls as he peeks up at you, "What fun would it be if I didn't show you everything?"

Kissing and nibbling the skin on your inner thigh, his silky black hair prickles against your other leg. The closeness of the sensations to your throbbing core makes you squirm involuntarily. Feeling him chuckle against your thigh, your hands fly to your face as it heats up from the embarrassment. After giving both thighs plenty of attention, he centers himself, proud to see you soaking already. Running a finger through your folds, he uses your arousal to coat his fingers before sliding them inside you, one at a time. At the first insertion, your body tenses in response to the newfound sensation. You expected that you'd feel similar to when you do it, but the angle, the size, the speed - everything feels so different. He moves the finger in and out before adding his second one, stretching your tense body out some more.

He kisses your thigh as his fingers curl inside of you, "Relax, sweetheart. Believe me, it'll feel so much better when you untense yourself. Breathe. Enjoy it."

At his coaxing, you close your eyes and take a deep breath. Letting yourself relax, you notice the knots in your body fading, replaced with the intense warmth of your core and the slow, intoxicating movement of his fingers inside you. Noticing this, Seonghwa leans in, swirling his tongue around your folds and quickly finding your clit. He's careful and calculated in his movements here, not wanting to overwhelm you just yet. But he knows exactly how to work you up, and you feel something build inside you. You recognize this feeling and let your hips grind against him as you chase after the high you desire. He flattens his tongue against your clit, the roughness and pressure sending you over the edge. He continues curling his fingers perfectly inside you as you ride through your orgasm, the feeling rippling through you.

Slowly removing his fingers from you, you wince at the emptiness, but he caresses your cheek and shushes you as he lifts himself again. Dragging his shirt over his head, you gawk at his torso. He's slim but well-built. Not quite six-pack well, but the soft lines running down his abs look better without the added dimension. You lift your hand to drag your fingertips over his body, but he's too busy tearing his pants down to give you a chance. Your gaze drops as he moves, drawn to his cock standing tall and proud. You were right - he's definitely sculpted by gods, and whoever made him needed to be worshipped even more. How could a dick be good-looking? Everything you'd seen before was not for looking, but his looked delicious, curving upward slightly and built to spread someone open in the best ways.

While you're busy gawking at him, he climbs above you again. Grabbing your jaw roughly and forcing your gaze back to his face, he smirks.

"My face is up here, love. What could possibly be better to look at than this face?"

Crashing his lips against yours again, he doesn't need to hear an answer. Holding himself up with one arm, he moves a hand between his legs. Grabbing himself, he coats his length in your fluids by rubbing himself between your folds. The small touches leave you begging for more as he pulls his lips off of yours.

"Please... I need it."

"Oh? You need it? What a gorgeous sentence to fall from your breathless lips. Well, let me oblige."

Lining his tip up with your entrance, he slowly pushes in, stretching you out even with such a small amount. Growling with a clenched jaw, he manages to keep his pace despite wanting to bury himself entirely inside you. After a painfully long wait, he bottoms out inside of you. His length brings tears to your eyes, but they don't overflow. The burning stretch shifts away after a while, but your breath remains caught in your throat.

Pecking your lips and rubbing your cheek with his knuckles, he praises you, "You're doing so well. You can take all of me. Good job, baby girl. Let me know when you're ready."

His kind words calm you down, allowing your breathing to return to you. when the burn fades completely and your body adjusts to his size, you wiggle a bit, urging movement.

"Use your words, sweetheart. Are you ready?"

"Yessir. Please move."

Once again, your innocence feeds his urge to ruin you entirely. With your sweet voice and naivety of what it'll feel like when he moves, he throws out his plan to ease you into everything. Pulling back slowly, he slams into you, his hips hitting your thighs on impact. He keeps going at this pace, roughly slamming into you again and again. Your eyes roll back into your head and your mouth falls open, noises messily leaving your lips as your brain muddles. His hands grip your thighs, fingernails digging into your flesh as he uses his grip to pull you into him. Filling the room with the sounds of sex, Seonghwa's head falls back for a moment as he enjoys the feeling of your warmth enveloping him.

"Seonghwa," his name falls softly from your lips, "I'm gonna-"

Unable to finish your sentence as your orgasm crashes upon you, Seonghwa groans at the sensation of you finishing around him. He picks up his pace, sloppily pounding into you as he chases his own high. Leaning forward into you, his head falls into the crook of your neck, teeth gripping onto your skin as he finishes inside you. Feeling the warm liquid shooting into you, you feel strangely complete, as if all you needed to feel alive again was a grim reaper's cum.

As Seonghwa lies on top of you, your collective pants now the only sounds in the small room, you thank him for obliging in your silly request. The embarrassment of begging a total stranger to take your virginity finally hits you, so you add a small apology at the end.

Brushing your hair with his fingertips, he replies, "Don't apologize. Thank you for letting me be your experience, it awakened and quelled a desire I didn't realize I had."

"'Your experience,' that's funny. Since it's my first and last, right? You'll be all I know." You poke fun at the situation in front of you, trying to relieve the nerves slowly gathering about the afterlife.

"Good." He growls out deeply. "Keep it that way. It makes me so happy knowing that you really are all mine."

Tags: @dimpledsatan-recs @mo0nbeams

[wiltkingart]

as another fruity tguy i really REALLY love the way u draw men so so much i see your work and i feel warm from head to toe cause you make trans men so beautiful. i can feel in every work that you love transmascs and being a tmasc and it comes thru in every paintstroke to me.

sorry to hijack with a big paragraph but last anon rly spoke to me and i wanted to share my experience if its ok

to last anon-- my journey is perhaps different from others but for me when i started T i also felt like it was the most important, life or death thing, but after spending time on T i found that even if the results werent as Manly as i was hoping for originally, i suddenly found myself in love with the simple fact that i had changed and my body had changed in a way that was on MY terms, even if it wasnt """perfectly passing"". since then ive found that not having T or having to lower my dosage was no longer painful or frightening.. im not sure how else to explain it other than At First, it felt like the testosterone was trying to fight Against the woman that Was my body, to sort of Transform it completely into this Man, but one day i just suddenly realized "oh. im not fighting anymore. and im actually pretty happy" and even tho i wasnt Perfectly masc by a long shot there was suddenly.. peace. i fell in love with my patchy body hair and my funny voice and my weird dick and then to my own suprise i found myself falling in love with the things i used to hate and wanted to get rid of. i suddenly loved my boobs (i wanted top surgery for YEARS before t) i loved my eyelashes, i loved the way my body looked in womens clothes, and i still loved being a man. im still a man and happier with that than ive ever been, but im more feminine now than i really ever have been! and its because suddenly being a man and having this mans body was something that belonged to ME, not to anyone else. this happiness and this body were on MY terms!!! so anon, i hope that you can try hormones and you get to explore the changes that bring you joy and that you find even more joy in the things you never expected before. but if you dont get hrt? youre still one of us always. i hope you will still find the love in your heart for yourself and the man you are regardless. peace and love and trangenderism ❤️

just want to add on that i relate heavily to your part about "falling in love with the things i used to hate and wanted to get rid of" because my chest was one of my biggest source of grief pre-T and could not imagine a life for myself without top surgery, and even injured myself from binding too much. but something about being on hrt and finally seeing and experiencing myself with more masc features (and living my life as a guy, in my own way) gradually flipped a switch in my brain and i started to love my boobs. and then when i stopped T i was worried and scared i would lose that love, but now i actually love them more than ever (if my art wasnt indication enough hehe). there's so many ways to be trans, and be a man, and i'm so grateful i gave myself the patience and space to explore that, and that i can continue to explore and experience joy with it. peace and love and transgenderism forever 💙

[anamericangirl]

What’s a good reason to not take my own life? I’ve been feeling this way for years. Been to multiple treatment programs. Seen by several different therapists. Anti-depressants. I frequently go outdoors to exercise. Try to fill up my life with being optimistic about my (admittedly nice) job, hobbies, travel, and volunteering. And yet I’m still no better than I was 5 years ago and I have no hope about a happy future. “Your family will miss you.” Ok, and? I think it’s selfish to tell people in pain to continue living like that because some people might temporarily feel sad. They’ll eventually move on. My friends too, especially the ones who are happily married “to their best friends” and having babies and are so happy that they forget I exist.

Hey anon I hope I am not too late! I am just getting out of a hurricane and was without internet access for several days so i apologize for the delay.

But there are so many reasons not to take your own life. In fact, I can’t think of a single reason why you should.

I know it’s tough right now and trust me, I know that depression makes it all feel pointless and worthless and can plague you for years but even though if feels like forever I promise you these feelings and this depression and your circumstances are TEMPORARY. And it would be a tragedy for you to take your life over temporary circumstances and not see what is possible on the other side.

Yes your family and friends will miss you but you should stay because your life has purpose and meaning! Therapy and anti-depressants are good and I’m glad you’ve been trying those things because that means you don’t actually want to die - you just want the pain to stop. And that’s completely understandable and also manageable!

It’s great that you’ve been continuing to exercise and do volunteer work because those things can definitely impact your mood, but they aren’t the source of true joy, peace and happiness. Now I’m a Christian so I’m sure it won’t surprise you for me to say this, but what you are looking for and what you need can only come from God. I urge you to put your faith and trust in him and give him your burdens.

The devil has a hold on you right now, don’t let him win!

“So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” - Isaiah 41:10

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. - Jeremiah 29:11

“The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.” - John 10:10

“Cast your cares on the LORD and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous be shaken.” - psalm 55:22

“The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. The righteous person may have many troubles, but the LORD delivers him from them all.” - psalm 34:18-19

But now that I’ve gone on my spiel, here are some reasons I think it’s good to keep living. Not all my original thoughts but ones i agree with.

1. You matter

2. No one else is you.

3. Your younger self

4. Your next favorite song.

5. Warm blankets.

6. Thunderstorms

7. The fact that you’re in control of your future.

8. Experiencing new cultures.

9. Making new friends.

10. Road trips.

11. Sunsets and sunrises.

12. Reading good books.

13. Learning a new language.

14. Adopting a pet.

15. Fresh baked bread and cookies.

16. Getting packages in the mail.

17. Autumn.

18. Pumpkin spice.

19. Drinking coffee in the morning.

20. Beaches and being able to sink your toes into the sand.

21. Stepping on crunchy leaves.

22. Recovery.

23. Falling in love.

24. Rain.

25. Petting puppies and kittens.

26. Drinking water.

27. Trying something new and loving it.

28. Your favorite artist putting out new music.

29. A new season on your favorite TV show.

30. Planting a garden and growing your own vegetables.

31. Farmers Markets.

32. Trying out the newest local coffee shop or restaurant.

33. Karaoke

34. All of the people you have yet to meet.

35. Horseback riding

36. Stars.

37. Ice cream.

38. Ice tea.

39. Scented candles.

40. Learning something new.

41. Museums.

42. Going to the movies.

43. Hearing your favorite song come on the radio.

44. Learning to make a new recipe.

45. Your life is precious.

46. You are enough.

47. Random acts of kindness.

48. God looked at the world and thought it needed you.

49. Your story could save someone else.

50. Looking back on this time in 10 years and realizing you made it.

There’s an endless amount of reasons to stay alive and I hope some of them resonate with you.

But if you are desperate please reach out to the suicide prevention hotline at 988. If you are outside the US then you can find the number for your location here.

Please know that I am praying for you and please reach out to me again if you want to. I would love to keep up with how you are doing 💜

[ersatz-ostrich]

Baby Fever pt. 1: Prologue

Connor x f!Detective!reader (sorta?)

Connor finds himself caring for a baby while at the DPD. Baby fever quickly begins to spread.

[A/N]: (nervous laughing) so like this was written by a person who has never taken care of an infant for a prolonged period of time— Any parents and experienced baby-rearers out there, please forgive me for any inaccuracies. I could only do so much without making my Google Search history look highly suspect, or at least more so than it already is.

Warnings: Mentions of domestic violence and drug (Red Ice) use (happens before the actual story takes place)

pt. 2 >>

read here on ao3

It was a bitterly cold day in Detroit. Muddy slush from the snowstorm earlier that week was collecting on the sidewalks. Pedestrians slogged on through, their boots and sneakers creating divots and valleys in the already grimy snow. A woman pushed her three-hundred-dollar stroller through the snow, her burbling child jostled gently with each bump. 

Not more than a few meters away, a different woman hurried along with a bundle close to her chest. She rounded the corner and through a set of sliding doors into the bustling lobby of Detroit PD’s Central Station. 

“Hello, miss. How can I help you?” The android receptionist at the front desk greeted the woman cordially. 

“My baby and I are in danger,” the woman began. Her voice was taut with worry. “Her father is addicted to Red Ice…he’s after us.”

“Right this way,” The receptionist showed her to the gates to the inner complex of the precinct, her expression worried. The woman, clutching her child, followed the android to a bench in a quiet area near the bullpen. “Wait here, please. Someone will help you soon.” With that, the ST-300 disappeared behind the DPD’s double doors, returning to her post at the front desk. 

The woman gazed at her baby’s wet eyes and smooth, unsullied skin. She knew she hadn’t been the best mother, but she’d done what she could given the circumstances. For most of the short time they’d spent together with that excuse of a man she had for a husband, they’d barely had enough money and food stamps to stay afloat. She’d skipped meals to be able to afford formula. 

When she first got pregnant, everything seemed fine. Both she and her husband were working; they could cover rent, food, and bills. But then, during her second trimester, things got rough. Her husband lost his job and started leaving the house for hours on end under the guise of ‘job searching’. She soon noticed the changes in his mood; the time he spent away from the house got longer; it wasn’t much longer until she, in her third trimester of pregnancy and nearing her delivery date, realized that her husband had quickly stopped searching for a job and started dealing—and doing—Red Ice. 

When she finally delivered her baby daughter, alone in the wee hours of the morning, she wept. Not tears of joy, but tears of regret, grieving for the life her daughter had been born into. She would have to quit her job to take care of her; in the meantime, she would have to find a way to escape from that terrible man. 

Now, here she was, cradling her child on a bench in Detroit’s center-city precinct.

“Hey there,” Someone whispered softly. “I’m Detective Y/N L/N. I’m here to help you.” The woman raised her gaze to see you stooping slightly to smile at her and her child. “Are you hurt at all?”

“No,” She replied. 

“Okay. I was told you and your child were being threatened,” The woman nodded.

“My husband. He was high on Red Ice…he found out I was saving up some of the money he made from dealing to escape.” She offered her thumb for the baby in her arms to grasp. “I need to find someplace safe for me and my daughter.” 

“I understand,” You responded. “We’ll use any resource we have to help you get somewhere safe.” You glanced at the child—a cherubic little thing with pale blue eyes and wispy blonde hair. “However, I would like to hear about your husband’s situation as well. I’m a part of Detroit PD’s Red Ice Division, and…” The woman’s eyes widened slightly. “...I’d like it if you told me as much as you can about your husband’s Red Ice dealings, for your own safety and our ongoing investigations into Detroit’s Red Ice networks.”

The woman nodded shakily. 

“Of course,” She answered. “I’ll tell you everything I know. Anything to stop that man from harming my family, or anyone else’s.”

“Detective?” You glanced over your shoulder to see Connor approaching you from the bullpen. 

“Connor,” You greeted the android detective. “Can I help you?” When Connor’s eyes fell upon the woman and child sitting before you, he raised his eyebrows. 

“I apologize, I didn’t know you were preoccupied. I came to tell you about the interview notes for the Lance case.” Connor turned to leave.

“About that,” You caught his shoulder, prompting him to turn back around. “This woman and her child are on the run from a family member. Red ice dealer and addict.” You informed in a low voice, so the woman wouldn’t hear.

“Ah.”

“This is Connor,” You presented the android to the pair. “He’s an android investigator. Normally, he works with the Android Crimes Division, but he’s helping me with a case right now.” You locked eyes with Connor again. “So, we have two things to accomplish. First, find a safe place for her and the baby. Second, investigate the husband.”

“I’ll do my best to help you catch that man,” The woman reiterated. “Still, I want to stay with my daughter, but I have nowhere to go. I’ll relinquish her if that means keeping her safe.”

Connor crouched down and smiled at the baby in the woman’s arms. The baby let go of her mother’s thumb to reach out to Connor, making grabby hands at his LED, which had turned a swirling yellow.

Inside his HUD, Connor saw a text box appear. 

“Michigan’s Safe Delivery of Newborns law stipulates that a baby may be confidentially relinquished by biological parent(s) to emergency service providers within 72 hours of delivery.”

He also saw a pop-up with the baby’s birth date and birth certificate, provided to him from the state’s vital records by way of the DPD. From that information, he determined the baby to be around six months old.

“She’s too old to be relinquished. Newborns must be relinquished within 72 hours of delivery, per state laws.” Connor stated. “I will conduct a search for homes and shelters suitable for mothers and their children.” 

“We’ll get you back on your feet, I promise.” You added reassuringly. “Would you mind giving us a statement?” 

“Absolutely.” The woman stood. “What do I need to do?”

Let me know if you want to be part of my general, Connor, or Detroit taglists!

[cakeinpants]

Previous

***

He walked in with the help of the nurse, using a walker, very slowly and awkwardly moving his legs. Seemed like his limbs were barely listening to him, but he still chose to walk. There was a big scar on his head, and a part of the skin on his face has been replaced, making half of it a slightly different colour. The claws that used to be long, sharp and agile were cut almost completely and blunted. Pat counted several times but could only count three arms. On top of everything, Malgaine looked painfully thinner now. But despite looking like a shell of a Vykker he once was, his expression hasn't lost the imperturbable sence of dignity.

Pat experienced an overwhelming mix of joy from seeing Master alive after so long, and pain from seeing him like this.

The nurse helped Malgaine sit on the couch. Only once he was sitting comfortably, the Vykker directed his attention to Pat and the two Sligs.

"Hello there. You must be my guests..." His speech sounded a bit off. Slow and a bit slurred, even though thought behind it seemed clear.

"M-master!.." Pat exclaimed quietly before remembering to compose himself and bow.

The Vykker studied the mudokon with an unrecognising look.

"So, you are?..."

Pat's heart dropped.

They warned him about significant memory loss. He should've been prepared for that. But no matter how prepared you can be, it still hurts. Surely, he couldn't have completely forgotten him.

"It's me, Patrick... I-i'm your dancer."

Malgaine put a clawless paw against his chin "Sorry. I don't recognise you, kid." He said with apologetic softness in his voice.

Pat made an effort to keep his composure. He can't be weak in front of Master, not now. If he doesn't remember him, Pat has to at least make a good "first impression".

The Vykker looked into the dancer's face intentively.

"Hmm.. you feel important somehow."

"You... You raised me. And taught me everything. I'm.. I belong to you."

"Oh.. I did, didn't I..."

Malgaine looked at Pat for a bit longer. It wasn't the strict look the mudokon was used to. There was fondness in it even. He reached his clawless paw and gently stroked the mudokon's forehead.

That's when all composure Pat still had left was blown away. The Vykker stopped, seeing the baffled look on the mudokon's face.

"Did I do something wrong?" Malgaine asked.

"No-no! Y-you've just..." Pat quickly denied, his voice getting quieter with each word, as he wasn't sure what to say. "You're not- normally... like that.."

"I see.. I'm sorry." The Vykker said. "Everyone keeps telling me about this person I used to be. But I can't seem to make sense of it."

He stared pensively into the distance.

"..It's all like a blurry dream."

Pat has never felt so confused and conflicted in his life. He's never experienced a simple gesture of affection from his Master. Until now, when Malgaine couldn't even remember who he is. Now, when the dancer felt like he deserved it least, as he'd recently done something very prohibited. Pat imagined many times how furious Master would be once he'd found out what happened during his absence. The dancer gave himself the worst punishments in his mind.

But this is what he got instead.

The nurse was listening closely to the conversation, ready to step in at any moment to help keep things under control.

"Alright. Why don't we take things one step at a time, Mr. Malgaine..." He said calmingly, then started tentatively asking questions. "You said this gentlemud looks familiar to you, right? Does the name Oddett bring back any memories?"

"He's not Oddett." The Vykker said with simple confidence. "Oddett isn't real."

Pat's expression turned straight up panicked.

"But it's me- I'm Oddett!"

"No." Malgaine said unwaveringly. "You're someone.. more important..." He added after a moment. "Tell me about you. Will you tell me?"

"..What do I tell you?"

"Everything..."

***

Next

[crystaldivination]

STOP AND ENJOY THE MAGIC 🪄

Your life in a bright light - what makes your life beautiful and how come you don’t see it?

PILE ONE PILE TWO PILE THREE

Sometimes we don’t see what we have in front of us and how wonderful all this is put together. If only we can take a better look at it and only focus on the present… So in this pick a card reading I want to shed a light on what’s so beautiful in your life and about what you can be so grateful for.

◟ପ my other readings • paid services • leave me a sprinkle of magic dust ✨💫

How to choose your pile? As always meditate or close your eyes before looking at each picture. Trust your intuition and pick out a picture you feel the most drawn to.

Disclaimer: this is a general reading which may or may not resonate with you. Take what resonates and leave out anything that doesn't. Feel free to choose another pile if you'd like.

🤍 PILE ONE

Welcome to your pile, beautiful creature. So to me it seems like disappointments were present in your life and have shaped you to a point that it feels like it’s scary to believe in something new.

But don’t crumble to that fear. Don’t let it scare you from experiencing all the beautiful things that you haven’t known before. Life is all about discovering right? So all those feelings and the journey you made were part of it. Some are necessary for you to grow and some just happen to exist so that we can make something out of it. It’s in your hand to create. You have a very deliberate and free spirited soul that is waiting to go on adventures again. Use that to your advantage. You never know what could happen. Even if you trip you can always stand up again but rest assure because all you have learned so far is of use to you. You’d know when to go forward and when to be careful. What a wonderful gift, don’t you think? Everything has it good and seemingly bad side so choose wisely. You can be the one who makes the choice. What you can be grateful for is this and also your ability to go beyond. You have people who are believing in you and even look up to you for the person you are today. Don’t let it go to waste. Stand straight and firm. Be proud of who you are and what you’ve accumulated until now whether that be on a personal or material level. You’re so inspiring to me, pile 1!

🤍 PILE TWO

Welcome to your pile, beautiful creature. To me it seems like you’ve been through a lot. You must’ve faced a lot of delays and having to be patient about things but remember nothing lasts forever especially the things that we want to break free from. There are always new beginnings so have faith in that.

Don’t take life too seriously. Go with the flow and enjoy the journey. You might be someone who is like a perfectionist in a way or someone who just likes to go and do things in order. But you know to exist is to live and experience. Take things as they are while adapting and changing it for the better. You don’t need to always buckle up your seatbelt preparing for the worst. Give yourself a break. Don’t go all in when it’s not necessary or needed. Don’t be so hard on yourself. Allow yourself to be in the moment. You’re a diligent and happy soul that is full of life waiting to feel the best in doing something that gives you true joy. Channel this energy of yours again deep in you and create something wonderful out of this. With this purposeful intention and power you can be anything you want to be. Don’t restrict yourself with your self criticism. Be free and let yourself see a different side of things in life to gain another perspective on everything or anyone you thought to be out or not of use. What you can be so grateful for is your determination and ability to persist. You have beautiful and helpful people who are there to support you at any time. Ask for help or lean on someone when you feel like it. I’m so proud of you for coming this far and believe in yourself, pile 2!

🤍 PILE THREE

Welcome to your pile, beautiful creature. It’s hard to keep up right? Especially nowadays in this time and age. This society is making you doubt yourself even to the point of losing sight of your dreams. You might be confused about what you want but you know what you need right now is peace. Only so you can calm down and ground yourself to gain focus again. It’s not that you’re incapable, it’s just the outside noise that’s clouding your mind at the moment but you’ll come back soon.

Stop and observe. Slow down to see and take in all the things that surround you. Laugh again, go see the sunset you like so much. Enjoy the little things in life to feel whole and alive again. Life is not a race and you’re not competing against anyone. You have your own missions and goals and your own lane with your own speed to do the things you want to do in your life. Ignore all the people and things that are telling you what to do. Ask yourself what is that that you want and remind yourself of what you used to enjoy. Do the things you are good at and most importantly what you truly want. You can get out of your comfort zone to try out new things as well. Focus on what is important to you. Contemplate whether you do this for your own sake or is it just to satisfy others. You’re so talented and have so much potential. It’s time you realize that. This is also what you can be so grateful for. Take your time and let your inner child shine again. There are many people who can help you connect to your creativity. Surround yourself with like-minded people who can uplift you and give you inspiration. Shine brighter, shine like you’ve never before, pile three!

PLS VOTE FOR MY NEXT GAME HERE IF YOU'D LIKE 🥥🦢🌸

ਊ Thank you for reading. Hope you like it!! Leave a feedback, like & reblog are highly welcomed! Have a lovely day <3

© 2023 crystaldivination ── all rights reserved. do not copy, translate, edit, alter, or redistribute my work. Plagiarism in any form is prohibited.

[pixiecaps]

hi. im sorry if this is a weird question but. what makes you keep watching smps?? just, what motivates you if everytime things and characters and plotlines captivate you and they almost never end in a satisfactory way. it might be because im a newbie in myct but every server i learned about seems to just last very little or burn in a horible death. what makes you want to go again and again to new servers.

okay to start off here there’s two layers and one is more of a personal thing and another basically advice.

first i dont talk about this much but my brain just latches onto things and one of my longest lasting interests is on minecraft. probably since the game was released. i think ive probably watched more minecraft content than tv shows & movies in my entire life. because my brain just works that way

now second. i need to this to be clarified everyone has a different reason for sticking along and i think this is a wonderful question that so many mcyt bloggers would have different answers to that would provide a lot of cool insight and perspective. dont think the question is weird at all.

BUT for me i think it was around smplive which was 2019 that was rough that was really the first and only time that i wanted to stop watching minecraft completely. for a lot for a reasons rlly. and yet i didnt!!! and thats because i realized that i didnt want to let something i cherished and enjoyed be tarnished by the bad. its so important to allow yourself grace whenever something bad happens with mcyt content or creators themselves because you arent the one to blame for something turning sour. too much good and incredible content and communities come from these unfortunately ended smps and whatnot to just to be seen as that one thing. i think sometimes, out of spite even, i feel like I NEED TO NOT LET THESE THINGS BE OVERSHADOWED BY THE BAD. because so many smps are fucking wonderful experiences with amazing creators who dedicate so much time to them and who are so funny and talented and for them to not be recognized for that at all is a shame. i loved every smp ive watched and i dont regret watching any of them. theyve all given me so much joy and laughter and its important to remember that. so ig another part of it all is allowing yourself to appreciate the good and not let the bad stop you from experiencing all the future content thats made from mcyt that will be incredible. because there will be more smps and there will so many mcyt creators and the ball isnt gonna stop rolling. sometimes it just boils down to something as simple as not letting the bad experiences stop you from seeing the good the community has to offer. as well as for me outside of the content itself with smps the fanbases have singlehandedly taken a part of my heart. theres just so many wonderful people in these communities who have put out so much positivity that i cant possibly find myself regretting it or not going back in whenever the next smp drops.

much love anon hope that makes a little bit of sense

[finina-archives]

MAN F**K YOU.

Something I wrote to get me off my mind after reading so much ANGST. Actually this short writing is angst too (but not that sad) so in what way is this supposed to help-

[TW: Reader dies, there's a LOT of blood and brutal wounds cuz infinity castle arc, and they're just directly stated. So don't read it if y'all don't like this kind of stuff y'all.]

The sounds of loud cheering could be heard once the Demon King had began to disintegrate. Many demon slayers of different ranks celebrated the death of the Progenitor of Demons, some crying tears of joy and expressing pure happiness while some are tired out from the harsh fight, yet they were as equally happy too.

Muichiro fell to his hands and knees after loosening his grip on his katana, allowing it to slip away from his grasp and land on the ground not far from him. The fight with Upper Moon One was beyond exhausting and this fight was fuel to the fire, yet he made it through.

He looked up from the ground and to his delight, the sun shone brightly in the sky, the Demon King was nowhere to be seen anymore as he was disintegrated by the sun's rays, and the Kakushis were rushing, running around to tend to the injured slayers. (Him included)

But that delight was short-lived as he realized that you were nowhere to be found. Despite the Kakushi's desperate attempts to stop him from moving too much due to his injuries, he couldn't stop. He wouldn't stop. Not until he found you.

He then turned his head to a direction, and there you were. Your back pressed against a damaged wall of a house, barely alive.

With some minor support from the Kakushis tending to him, he was able to make his way to you. He reached out to you when he was near enough, gently holding you in his arms.

Your breathing was shallow and uneven, your eyes were half-lidded and almost devoid of life and your strength and temperature was rapidly declining while you laid in his arms, taking in his warmth.

He took note of the serious injuries you had on you, and his heart sank. With the amount of injuries that serious, he knew you weren't going to make it. You were dying in his arms.

His eyes began to well up with tears as he held you tighter, not wanting to let you go. Not just yet. He still had many things he wanted to do with you, he still wanted to spend more time with you. But from the looks of it, he can't anymore.

He sobbed and cried, he wanted to scream his lungs out, he wanted to shout at the sky, to curse at life for taking you away from him too soon. But he knew that it would all amount to nothing. You were already dead, and no one could bring you back even if they tried.

He knew a moment like this was inevitable and feared it, but he did not let it occupy his mind. Now that he's experiencing it, he can not avoid it any longer. And it hurt. It hurt him deeper than he expected.

Because out of everyone in the world, why did it have to be you?

"...ehh, this could've been better. 😭"

[writer-by-the-sea]

A flustered farmer handing over a box of chocolates to Elliot. Elliot notices they're handmade and is grateful for such a wonderful gift. Elliot invites the farmer to share these chocolates with him as they watch the ocean's waves at the beach.

SLIGHTY NSFW

A rose shaped box of chocolates, each chocolate wildly different than the next. Circular, square– is that a triangle…? 

I lifted my eyes from the box and back to the farmer, their own eyes looking anywhere but me…. 

They were… positively adorable. 

With a smile, I plucked one of the chocolates out of the box and popped it into my mouth. To be completely honest, I wasn’t expecting much. Perhaps a slightly overly sweet candy with a simple jam filling– 

An explosion of flavor erupted over my tongue, a creamy but not too sweet chocolate flooded through my mouth. A hint of pomegranate combined with a touch of cherry, the filling absolutely divine. It was the kind of chocolate you paid heavily, and yet– the farmer early made them in the comfort of their own home. 

“My goodness,” I moaned and quickly shoved another chocolate into my mouth. If I wasn’t careful I would have destroyed the entire box in mere seconds! “These are utterly delightful!” 

The farmer finally looked at me, their face going from pure nerves to nothing but happiness. “You like them?” They asked, still unsure of themselves as I tossed another in my mouth. I was quickly losing count of how many I’ve had at this point. 

“Like them?!” I laughed, a little too loud as the farmer took a cautious step back. “My dear farmer, these may be the best chocolates I’ve ever had.” 

They let out a shaky breath, only adding on to how adorable they are. “I’m glad.” 

“Here,” I spoke and took their hand into my own, the chocolates in my other hand as I guided them further down onto the sand. “Sit with me, we’ll enjoy these together.” 

“Oh,” they hesitated, their boots heavy in the sand and reluctant to move. “You don’t have to–”

“Please,” I replied. “It would bring me so much joy to share these with you.” 

With all resistance gone, the farmer followed after me. We went across the makeshift bridge and stopped just before the dock. “I don’t know who made that little bridge,” I said as I sat down, the farmer joining me as I did. “But it is such a pleasure to come to this side of the beach.” 

The farmer nodded, their hand rubbing at the back of their neck. “Um. Yeah. I like it too.” 

I leaned back into the sand, my hands behind me while the chocolates sat between us. The temptation to devour the entire box was too strong. I quickly darted my hand out and grabbed one before placing it into my mouth. 

“How long have you been living in town now?” I asked as I let the chocolate roll over my tongue. 

I didn’t miss the way the farmer gulped before they answered. “About a year now, I think.” 

“A lovely year indeed. Things have improved beyond what I could have ever imagined after you moved in.”

“Uh. How so?” 

“I came to this town to finally pursue my dream of becoming a writer. I felt that I’ve experienced enough in my life and that coming here would be the final step that I needed. Oh, how I could be more wrong! Meeting you, and getting to know you gave me the courage to actually write. Anything I wrote was worthless, each word forced and without meaning. 

“But now that you’re here, I can feel myself becoming happier. Even if it’s something as simple as a gift of an egg, or seeing you standing outside my cabin and fishing, or sharing a beer in the pub, or watching as you run around down carrying a large vegetable above your head– we all feel it. We feel this… fulfillment, something that this town was surely missing…. “

I laid back into the sand, gazing up at the farmer whose eyes were locked onto my own. “With you here, I finally know what love feels like.” 

“Elliott–” 

I quickly sat up, taking the farmers' hands into my own. “I know that this box of chocolates may just be a gift, something that you shared with everyone in town– but for me it’s so much more. I have fallen so deeply, madly, crazy in love with you over this past year. And while I know this will never compare to these chocolates, I must do this immediately before I lose all confidence–” 

They gasped as I leaned forward to press my lips against their own. So soft, so sweet, and perfect in every way. The farmer moved with me, carefully pushing me back into the sand as they urged our kiss to become something more, their tongue brushing over my bottom lip, begging for a taste of chocolate. I moaned as they crawled into my lap, their hands in my hair now as we deepened our kiss. My hands went to their hips, squeezing them as I let me hips lift slightly, just enough to show them what they did to me, what I’ve been dreaming of, what I crave more than I ever crave chocolate– 

“Elliott,” they whined and pulled away before dropping their head into my shoulder. “I just wanted to ask you to the Flower Dance–” 

I chuckled and whispered into their ear, “I will gladly go with you, in exchange for more chocolates…. And… another makeout session in my cabin.” 

“Deal.” 

[childrenofcain-if]

Hi! I want to start by warning that this will probably be a long rant about how much i love your IFs. But first, I hope you feel better soon!

The first IF of yours i played was the pjo one, which sent me down a rabbit hole of going through the rest of them (still haven't played tcs but i will soon 🤞🏻). It was just BAFFLING how people could be so purposefully ignorant about the concept of fanfiction and accused you over and over of plagiarism like, please go outside and touch grass, clearly the internet has stopped your brain from developing critical thinking.

Anyways, the adaptation was so well done and faithful while also exuding a newness to it that i am very excited to see unravel. I understand at the moment it has been paused (and I don't know if you've addressed why it's no longer up) and i hope with time you can feel comfortable with it again. None of the shit you've gotten was deserved or even understandable but alas, it still happened. As a content creator myself, i truly truly sympathize with you. I hope these words offer some comfort, however small.

Same goes for WLB, but the awe at how descriptive and raw your writing is really peaked through in something of your own creation. I find myself revisiting it and experiencing the exhilaration from my first reading all over again. I can't wait to watch everyone around my mc descend into eldritch madness as they become more and more unhinged. Consequences of my own actions? Never heard of them, i want my mc to go apeshit!

Now, gods where do i start... TBOTYG is *chef's kiss* flawless, i never thought i could become so obsessed with anything with only one part. I awaited the demo with baited breath, already anticipating all the ways you would surprise and impress (and you did). Every choice, every scenario, the way you build your plot and characters, your descriptions (I don't know if you can tell that I'm a little too hung up on the writing aspect of it) of characters and actions and feelings. The amount of work and effort you put into characterization is so very clear and it feels very freeing to have that amount of control over a character that we're supposed to "relate" to (in the context of the narrative, almost as if living vicariously through them). i think that no matter how much time passes, your IFs will remain a staple in the community and every player who finds your gems will feel blessed and changed after playing.

It's gotten to the point I've created a whole google doc of my MC, and made fake ig accounts with interactions (just for myself, to cope with the anticipation) and this is a level of commitment I've only felt with my own OCs and works. In such a short time, your IFs have carved a deep space for themselves in my life. I find myself replaying and going through their official pages religiously even though I've read every post already.

a question! will every LI's gender be chosen individually? I'm wondering because C and D are suitmates, but is it doable if they're different genders? same for mc and V. I'm thinking yes but also wanted to be sure

Honestly very very sorry for the long rant, I'm sure you have better things to do 😭😭 but i had the uncontrollable urge to express my feelings on your art and it took me an entire day of trying to talk myself out of it (i failed).

(also, here's my mc's profile and dm box. her royal highness maxine's ig profile is private btw. going for c route first. Mitică is the romanian diminutive for the name Dimitru, and opsis is an ancient greek concept i thought would fit V)

i’m speechless (sentimentally), dear reader 😭 i still can’t believe some people would take the time out of their day to think about my silly little worlds and the characters in it, less of all like how i’ve written my works. every single time i hit a writer’s block or have the whole doxxing trauma flare up again, i think of quitting but it’s the urge to write stories and the joy of sharing it with everyone that is still keeping me going.

i can’t explain how much your words mean to me because this is what i write for. to have people relate to or identify with or adore the world and characters i’ve built is such a dream within itself. from the bottom of my heart, i am thankful for every single reader who has always been nothing but supportive from day one. if elias has his apple, i have y’all. and no, it doesn’t mean y’all can have my meagre inheritance but it’s the sentiment that counts.

to answer your question, every single LIs gender will be selectable! blackthorne hall has individual bedrooms per suite so y’all will only be sharing the common areas and kitchenette with V while having your own personal space. it’s more like an apartment than a usual college dorm tbh.

oh and please, rant away! i’d love nothing more than to hear about your MCs and the various headcanons, questions, or theories you might have!

(also please knock C down a few pegs, they desperately need it 😔)

[insomniac-101]

Metacrisis Doctor Character Analysis

Sooooo… I heard some of you are still on the fence about Tentoo.

Now, why you would be is completely understandable. I mean, it took me rewatching the show as an adult to really understand the nuance behind his ending but it’s been years, and it truly saddens me to see that there is still so much confusion surrounding his existence. Especially since he essentially reaffirms the overarching message of the show, and without him, it would not be as impactful.

But no fear! I love analyzing this era in particular and so, it would be an honor to share with all of you my interpretation of how he fits in Ten’s overall development as well as the potential questions raised by his existence. 

After all, he is such a great addition to canon and so I wish to spread my excitement now that there is a chance we might see more of him!

(P.s I swear I will get to Ten eventually lol but his character in particular tends to mesh into other character arcs so much, that it is easier to address them in parts rather than all together.)

Now then, let’s set something straight from the get-go. 

Tentoo’s existence does not get in the way of the Doctor and Rose’s romance. It is actually quite the opposite, it only goes to reaffirm how much they love one another. 

How they were essentially made for one another (Literally and figuratively lmao).

So much so, that Ten was essentially split into two as a means of holding onto the hope of keeping her in his life.

To reduce his existence as a mere love rival, in my opinion, is such a disservice to the narrative because not only does it imply that Rose’s ultimate choice to be with Tentoo is shallow but it also does not take into account crucial aspects of the Doctor’s character arc overall. Who by extension, also applies to Tentoo.

During his tenure as the Doctor, we observe Ten's strong inclination to merge with humanity, as he fervently yearns for it. That increasing temptation is what often puts him at odds with his role in the universe, and in turn, compels him to uphold strict barriers between himself and other humans. Even if it means causing harm to himself and the people he holds dear

As the only time lord in the universe, he cannot afford the luxury of possessing a human life, so he attempts to convince himself that his fascination with our way of life is merely admiration, rather than a genuine desire to experience it firsthand. Thus, he considers himself an outsider because he realizes that if he were to succumb to his desire, his happiness in experiencing it would be fleeting.

Despite his longing to experience a different way of life, he cannot bring himself to give up his identity as the last living time lord, as that would mean forfeiting an essential aspect of himself and the final vestiges of his people. Thus, although he may yearn to live a more leisurely existence, he would never do so, as it would entail sacrificing too much. 

Not to mention, it would mean pitting his own needs against those of the world, and his selflessness would never allow that to happen.

At least, not yet anyways.

In spite of his upbringing, his rebellious attitude that made him stand out amongst other time lords made him curious and flighty. Often roaming the universe in an attempt to find strange occurrences that counter his understanding of how it works. He finds joy in living a life on the run, and for a while that is all he really wanted.

However, with constantly moving, there comes a point where one realizes that there is no one to return to. That the thrills only serve as a distraction of what is actually compelling him not to remain stationary, and by not stopping to consider what he is leaving behind, he is not being conscious of the consequences. 

The Doctor's decision to become a wanderer stands in stark contrast to the nature of his people.

A problem that only worsens once the time war effectively orphans him.

Traveling and saving others allows him to put aside all his self-loathing and forget what it feels like to be utterly alone, but it is not enough to fill the void of loss. Don’t get me wrong, I am not saying this is a solely negative thing by any means, but the manner in which he utilizes it is harmful because it comes at the cost of never changing his tendencies to self-sabotage. Given that he doesn't stick around long enough to have it catch up to him.

Frankly, it enables his assertion that he doesn’t deserve happiness and so he never seeks it out, in spite of knowing what it is he wants.

In his eyes, it is easier to let go than to let in. 

To fall deeper to cynicism and negativity because it protects him from further pain

 And boy does the narrative pull the ultimate uno card on him, flipping his whole perception on his manner of living by introducing one major character. 

The individual, who practically embodies this very temptation is none other than Rose Tyler.

It is her introduction into his life that almost seems to further prod at this desire of his. Before,it appeared that he watched human life from a distance simply because it was less painful than being alone and grieving the loss of his own people. But with her, he is left to consider whether he could actually experience something as deeply fulfilling as love. Whether a man drenched in the blood of his kind is worthy of change and forgiveness. It is because of this that his final act as Nine is one of self-sacrifice, as he dies hoping that this new form will embrace the humanity and kindness that she utilized to save him in his darkest moments

But between him and humanity will always be a barrier, which is all the more tragic once one considers how Ten was born out of Nine’s pursuit of it. It makes the unattainable nature of it, all the more hurtful.

Now I can name multiple examples of this longing being implied all throughout the RTD era but I assume most people know what they are. I mean they’re not exactly subtle lol but I urge you to keep those in mind as I continue.

With that in mind, however, I can now address the most overt display of this desire of his and that is none other than in the episode “Human Nature.”

Within this story, we are introduced to John Smith. A persona, that was curated by the Tardis as a means of saving him from falling victim to a gang of evil shapeshifting aliens. Here, we are shown a version of the Doctor that is weirdly familiar but at the same time, completely different.

However what I make of these differences is not really to prove that they’re so different that they're incomparable, but rather that they share way more than one would think at first glance.

John Smith is unremarkable. He is kind, intelligent, witty, and imaginative in the ways the doctor is but his demeanor is drastically different. More often than not, being seen as quiet and shy, and more of a follower than a leader.

I don’t think him taking on the role of a soldier in his final moments is a coincidence. Rather it is a testament to who the time lord is: a traumatized man who has a knack for finding himself in the same position over and over again because he has a tendency of repeating mistakes.

Think about it, in the war, the Doctor was not one who stood to the side and never took part in the violence. He admits that he took an active part in the fight, with him being the one who ultimately stopped it against his better judgment. This is to say that this more obedient version of himself (that seemingly seems fine with physical punishment and sacrificing the life of his students, if it is not under his call) isn’t really all that foreign to us given that at one point, he assumed a similar role in the time war. His ability to resort to violence, even when human, is a testament to this. That he is bound to his past deeds and that a human life will not change that he is deeply changed by this event in time lord history.

He is more prone to violence when prompted and he is not one to disregard an order that is given to him. He even seems to be more classist by nature of living in the current time period. So much so that he doesn’t seem to form much of a bond with Martha in spite of them spending so much time together under her employment.

Although he is brave when it matters, there are moments when Ten can be rather cowardly. And that holds true to both John and the Doctor, with both seemingly running the moment they are confronted with the consequences that come as a result of their impulsive decisions. This knack for running from their problems never impedes their awareness that what they are doing is incorrect but nonetheless, it's that temptation to defy the unavoidable that makes them avoid confrontation. Resorting to denial as a scapegoat, before ultimately returning to do what is right. 

While the Doctor's innate selflessness sets him apart from others of his kind, he is still susceptible to making similar mistakes.

That haughty, and arrogant nature of his people are the very same qualities that can be found in him. This is especially shown through the manner in which John interacts with people he perceives as below him.

The culture of time lords is quite classist by nature. They assumed themselves to be the rulers of the universe and claimed superiority over other races because of their advancements. It is because of this complete disregard for others that aren’t themselves that they suffer greatly in the war.

With that said, it is because of this that I think he is able to assume a more indifferent demeanor towards the servants in his household. Mainly because a huge part of who the Doctor became was a direct result of the opposition he held toward the beliefs of his own people. He found their rules arbitrary and outdated, but just because he knew better does not mean he is exempt from repeating their mistakes even when he is conscious of who he is.

No this manner of assuming self importance takes on a different form, when he is aware of it.

He often assumes himself untouchable and the wisest in the room, and wields his status as a time lord as a means of making sly comments toward humankind. Of course, one could argue it is harmless as it does not come from a place of malicious intent. However his assumed superiority can make him incapable of recognising his own faults as a person, which can lead to disastrous results. Especially when he seemingly doesn’t consider the consequences of his involvement in other people’s lives.

Something that Joan points out.

“Answer me this, just one question, that’s all. If the Doctor never had visited us…never chosen this place on a whim, would anyone here have died?”

To completely deprive him of his timelord nature, would mean to leave him vulnerable to adopting the very same attitudes he resented in his own culture. This is why John Smith does not respect the opinions of his employees, in spite of knowing better than to underestimate the importance of the people around him. It would make him unable to recognize the patterns of discrimination elsewhere as he is no longer privy to the wisdom he gathered from his years of living.

By completely adopting humanity, he is none the wiser to fall into their faults as individuals.

That being said, this quiet side of him is really not that strange either once one considers that we have seen that Ten in particular has a knack for hiding his feelings behind a mask of cheerfulness. This version of himself may not be boisterous and loud, but that does not make him any less thoughtful. Shown to have strong stances on certain matters even if he doesn't share them with others. He is more honest with his feelings, and with this comes perhaps the biggest indicator that John Smith shares a lot more with the Doctor than we initially thought.

John Smith falls in love.

It is no coincidence that in this very episode, he develops romantic feelings for the school nurse and he has a dream about Rose Tyler. One where she keeps walking away but all the more, he is motivated to follow. All for the sake of recovering a “perfect Rose.”

Even when he is fully human and not aware of who she is, there is a part of the Doctor that fiercely hangs onto her, manifesting in his dreams. The thought of being with her and finding her, is of the utmost importance even when he cannot seemingly remember why. Which goes to show you just how much the Doctor treasures the love he has for her. It is she, that is able to tempt these feelings even in her absence because she is the reason they exist to begin with.

This inclusion of her in the story ties his pursuit of humanity into a pursuit for her. Making both the main motivation behind his need to experience it, even if he is not fully aware of why.

“You knew this all along and yet you watched while Miss Redfern and I …”

“I didn’t know how to stop you. He gave me a list of things to watch out for, but that wasn’t included.”

“What falling in love? That didn’t even occur to him?

“No”

“Then what sort of man is that?”

This is why John Smith expressing horror at the thought of there being a version of himself that cannot love someone is so heartbreaking. Because through him we know more than ever that that is not true, that he is more than capable of loving others as the Doctor but the problem is that he never would allow himself to do so. It is not a matter of whether or not he can, but rather why he can't.

When John chooses to sacrifice himself, it mirrors the same actions the Doctor takes in his present life. Choosing to leave behind what he wants for the sake of what the universe requires him to do. 

So when he reasons with Joan that John Smith is still a part of him, he means it. For it is an expression of the Doctor at his most vulnerable and honest, that allows for the existence of someone like John Smith. But alas, his life is not a life he can assume given his alien nature.

But with this choice to live on, as is, we are only left to come up with a single conclusion.

In order to live a life that is both fulfilling and meaningful, the Doctor can neither be fully human nor a timelord. 

Although he is a timelord, the overwhelming sense of loneliness that he experiences is debilitating. He can try to reason his way around needing companionship and love, but no amount of thinking will deny that it is something he desperately craves.

Humanity provides him with all the necessary attributes he lacks, but in exchange, it demands that he sets aside his principles as a protector of time. To put aside his own fears of seeing those he loves wither away if it means he'll get to know them for the entirety of their short lives. 

Individually, achieving either one is impossible since pursuing a single path would leave the other side of himself unfulfilled. He is at war with himself, essentially.

Therefore, he must endeavor to discover a balance between the two divergent viewpoints, instead of attempting to abandon one in favor of the other.

….Guess who embodies middle ground is?

Tentoo represents that balance, down to the biological level.

In order to understand why though you have to understand one crucial detail: Ten and Tentoo are the same person.

What Tentoo is, in relation to Ten, is himself lol

A regeneration that went wrong because the regeneration energy that was meant to heal the time lord body, was siphoned into his once freshly regenerated hand. In other words, instead of remaining within one body like the usual regenerative process, it was put into a separate vessel that came from the original body. Which allowed it to regenerate the body it was missing, and essentially created what would be a second Doctor.

The reason why this process differed from previous regenerations is due to the fact that the transferred regeneration energy was already partially depleted, resulting in a reduced dosage that could facilitate partial healing but not a complete regeneration.

(It was established prior to the Christmas invasion that there are limitations to the cellular energy that a time lord uses to regenerate, mainly in the sense that it can run out. When in small quantities, however, it can be used to heal smaller injuries if it is used within the first 15 hours of a regeneration cycle. It's this small amount he has left that allows him to regenerate the hand he lost to begin with.)

We are aware of this fact because the time lord Doctor utilized a portion of the energy to recover from the Dalek's attack, but not a sufficient amount to trigger a full regeneration. This is why he sends the rest into his severed hand, because if not, the cycle would have proceeded.

Due to this, however, the energy seems to not be able to proceed with anything it was planned for. So it sits on standby, not by choice, but because the hand itself is technically a regenerated hand. It can't do much other than wait until it receives more energy from the original time lord body or find another source of energy that is compatible to recover the body of the disembodied hand in its entirety.

So what ends up happening?

It's Donna.

Donna is what ends up happening.

Upon touching it out of curiosity, Donna appears to experience no immediate negative effects.. This serves as another indication that the remaining regenerative energy was minimal, as we, the viewers, are well aware that the standard dosage would be detrimental to humans.

However, this is where it gets interesting because seemingly the energy is utilized in a manner that is unlike any prior regeneration process. 

As previously mentioned, it can be deduced that the reason why other time lords never considered becoming human as a way to avoid regeneration was due to their sense of superiority. They did not view humans as equals, therefore, a human existence would not be regarded as advantageous.

Furthermore, their society places little importance on outward appearance due to the frequency with which time lords undergo transformations. Thus, this occurrence is primarily a result of Ten's deviation from their viewpoint on regeneration. He perceives it as a form of dying, akin to the experience of a human, even though this does not apply to him.

It is worth considering the anatomy of a time lord when attempting to comprehend how he appeared to transform into a hybrid. According to our understanding, although they appear human on the outside, a time lord's body contains numerous organs that are absent in a human body. As a result, it is theoretically more intricate than that of a human, but at the same time, similar enough to be somewhat compatible as a point of comparison.

Given the limited amount of energy remaining, it would be logical for the energy to use a human body as a template when attempting to essentially create a new body out of nothing.Not only because Donna was the only one available to touch it, but because the anatomical similarities as well as the less complex nature of a human body would prove to be easier to make than a fully timelord one.

In other words, the regenerative process was utilized as a means of healing both bodies without resulting in a complete regeneration, which is what makes this instance unique.

(that we know from prior scenes, at times, requires so much energy to heal that that it is capable of damaging the Tardis)

This is why he says that he essentially came out of Donna. Because in a way, he did. His body was fashioned off of her biological makeup as a means of compensating for the lack of cellular energy used to heal his body normally.

This is why it in turn makes her half time lord, because the energy changed her according to the metacrisis. Transferring Time lord DNA into her, as a means of making up for the loss of DNA she experienced in the process.

But where the two differ is in creation. Donna was already human. Herbody is that of a full human, not of a hybrid. Her brain in particular is not capable of handling the centuries of knowledge/memory of a timelord and so that is why her body eventually gives out. That is why, the Doctor has to lock her memories away.

Because theoretically, it is easier to make an immortal body mortal. Given that their body is meant to be extremely resistant to factors that would usually decimate a mortal one, but the same cannot be said about the opposite as we are far more delicate.

Tentoo though, he's chillin. 

Not only because his body is able to effectively restore itself with that leftover energy and the human boost, but also because his entire body is made to handle both timelord and human aspects. He will not suffer the same fate as Donna because he is born as both. 

They're in perfect harmony within his body, unlike Donna whose human aspect was being taken over by the superior time lord genes.

This is why they are fundamentally the same person: Ten and Tentoo.

Because not only do they come from the same body, but the same regenerative energy as well. This is also why they share the same memories. The regeneration energy appeared after he was shot by the dalek ray, and so, that moment was effectively the point by which their shared consciousness stopped. No longer existing in a sole body, but two.

It is because of this same shared energy that the appearance of neither changes: because it was utilized to heal both vessels and abort the regenerative process.

(Also it technically did take up a regeneration canonically hence why I called it a sort of botched regeneration. Which would make sense, given the amount of energy that was used to carry out the healing of two bodies.)

In summary, everything that makes the Doctor, the Doctor, is still in both bodies.

They're not twins, they're the same man through and through. Down to the manner in which they're born, with both effectively existing out of their love for Rose and humanity.

In the same way that the doctor claims that Tentoo was born out of hatred and war, it is his love and wishes to appease her that spawned his existence. So really the differences between the two are almost non-existent if not for one crucial detail: unlike the time lord, Tentoo is not bound by the obligation to serve the universe.

This is where things get fascinating.

Now that there are two bodies, they essentially function as parallel versions of the same man. 

They are different, not because they're not both the Doctor, but because their circumstances allow them to make different choices. From there on out, both will inevitably grow to be different people. As Tentoo essentially embodies the most authentic representation of a human Doctor, having had the option to abandon his responsibility as the guardian of the universe, he provides us with an insight into what the Doctor would be like at his most honest.

That is why Tentoo acts on impulse and commits genocide. Not because Ten wouldn't have done the same given the chance to give into the temptation, but because the fact that he is not fully time lord affords him the privilege to do whatever the hell he wants. He is not bound to the obligation to put the wellbeing of the universe above his own personal interest, so he erredicates them as a means of protecting the people he loves. Choosing to prioritize the people he cares for even if it comes at the expense of the dalek race

He is, effectively, free.

This is why him choosing to spend his life with Rose is such a major decision. Why when prompted by Donna, he chooses to confess his love for Rose in her ear. Despite having the freedom to choose anything, what he desires most is her. 

This revelation solidifies that this Doctor also has deep love for her, and it also implies that this is likely what the Doctor would have chosen as well, had he been given the option to leave his responsibilities behind.

Through Tentoo, we get insight into who the Doctor would be if not for his duty. A person who has the means to express themselves without any apprehension of potentially outliving their loved ones. In simpler terms, someone who can evolve and grow without the burden of guilt for being the only survivor of their kind constantly plaguing their mind. At present, this version of himself will never be alone again and can fully immerse himself in a dimension of existence that was previously only possible through John Smith.

This is why the Doctor seemingly resents him because he wishes he had the freedom to choose this life. 

It’s due to this that the notion of them being romantic rivals is also ludicrous because they are the same man. 

Had it been under different circumstances, the one who would have confessed his feelings and given Rose the chance to choose would have been the timelord. But because he is not afforded the liberty to not consider his alien nature and by extension his obligations, he cannot bring himself to initiate it. 

This is why Rose choosing to kiss Tentoo in front of the time lord doctor is crucial because it is her way of expressing that the love she extends to Tentoo is also his. That she understands that they're the same man but that ultimately, she understands that his duty is what needs to be prioritized. It is a goodbye, but also an act of gratitude for baring the extent of his feelings to her through Tentoo.

Their happy ending is not coming at the cost of Ten’s, no, rather it is what ensures that he will have one at all.

But consider this, does this not raise some major questions about who the meta crisis doctor can become?

Think about it.

Since he is no longer bound to the role of the universe's protector, there is no longer a necessity for him to act in accordance with his previous principles or obligations to do what is right.

Although Ten usually aimed to make selfless choices, he must now prioritize his own life. The stakes have shifted, and he can no longer place others' needs above his own, especially since his newfound life with his loved ones can be taken away at any moment.

As a human, he would come to understand that he cannot simply leave behind the problems he creates for others to handle. He must face the consequences of his actions and learn to maintain good relationships with those around him. With staying in one place, he bears the responsibility of building trust with others and can no longer solely rely on his reputation to get by.

Remember, he is effectively starting from scratch in Pete’s universe. He has no background on their history nor the tools he wielded when they first landed there. While waiting for the tardis to grow, he would have to effectively assume a human life until it reaches maturity.

With that in mind, he also no longer has any semblance of power over anyone. He is practically on the same level of awareness as anyone else albeit with more wisdom. Meaning he cannot hold what he knows about the future over others, and will have to adjust on collaborating with others to get things done even if it comes at the expense of his own ego lmao.

Most importantly, he can no longer stew in that self-hatred he is so privy to, and with time he will have to relearn what it means to forgive not only others but himself. To put aside that hatred and embrace the time he has with the woman he loves, even if it means confronting parts of himself he is not fond of. This will involve intimately acquainting himself with the perspective of humans to a degree that was impossible before. 

Such as in the way we humans seemingly uphold survival above all else.

Or how our morality can be very fluid in certain situations, as we are not afforded the guarantee of another life.

He will have to learn to cope with the helplessness all mortals feel when confronted by death and that in turn, could either harden him further or make him more aware of his own faults as an outsider. To understand where he went wrong in assuming that his human companions would sacrifice their perspective as a means of adapting his own.

That isn't to say that it is all bad though.

Just different.

Because this change in circumstance can either prove to be very detrimental to Ten or beneficial, and it all depends on how he manages to cope with it.

It makes him unpredictable, in a way that Ten was never afforded the privilege to be.

This could potentially demonstrate how a harmonious balance between Ten's human and Time Lord aspects would manifest in reality. To see what it would actually mean to have a time lord assume a life as a mortal. Reason being, that up until then, he only really saw humanity from a distance. This experience can aid him in developing a deeper understanding of humanity and its shortcomings as well as those of his own people.

Admittedly, John Smith served as a reference point for us. However, that modified version of the Doctor was oblivious to the gravity of his own existence. He possessed his own unique identity, with his Time Lord essence locked away. This highlights why adopting a purely human existence would never be suitable for him, as it would entail relinquishing his Time Lord perspective.

The sorrow of Ten's story lies in the fact that he could never truly embody both aspects of himself simultaneously. He was always bound by his alien nature and unable to fully embrace his human longings. This is why his story appears to have two different outcomes - with his human persona living a joyous existence, while his Time Lord form regenerates in isolation.

In his final moments, he chooses to reject this fate and resist the need for balance, instead becoming increasingly desperate to avoid regeneration. Consequently, he succumbs to the same power-hungry inclinations as his predecessors, as he tries to exert control over his fate without addressing the underlying problem.

“Well exactly look at you! Not remotely important! But me? I can do so much more! So much more! but this is what I get. My reward, well it’s not fair!....I’ve lived too long”

He could have done so much more, done so much differently if only he would have not put himself in a box. He did what was right, what was proper, yet the sacrifices done at his expense led to the same outcome.

The issue lies in his unwillingness to make compromises and achieve a state of equilibrium between his two perspectives. Instead of seeking balance, he retreats to his alien and disconnected nature, which creates a barrier between him and those around him. His decision to not confront his fate as a solitary wanderer earlier, prevented him from expressing gratitude to those who loved him when they needed it most. His need for distance denied them the chance to truly comprehend his appreciation.

He is solitary because he never allowed himself to consider an alternative, and this realization dawns on him too late. Now that everyone has departed to follow their own paths, he finds himself back where he began. 

His failure to take personal risks and develop attachments has fulfilled the very curse he sought to break.

Ultimately, what frightened him the most was not the idea of losing the people he grew to love, but the prospect of being alone while they continued to live on without him.

“Yeah what about you? Who have you got now?”

“No one, i’m traveling alone. I thought it was better alone..but I did some things that went wrong. I need..”

The central message of the RTD era is that happiness often comes at a cost and not every enjoyable experience will lead to a happy ending. However, the theme is not that an unhappy ending diminishes the value or significance of the moment, but quite the opposite - that the joy and meaning of the experience make it worth the cost, regardless of the outcome.

The RTD era's narrative encourages embracing the uncertainty of life and finding joy in the present moment, even if the outcome is uncertain or potentially disappointing. These moments can help alleviate the pain of difficult times, inspire risk-taking, and lead to unexpected achievements, ultimately leading to a more fulfilling life rather than a long one.

Create a life that is customized to your individuality and maturity gained through experiences, rather than one that fixates on regret and what-ifs.

The Doctor finds it difficult to fully embrace the present moment due to the constant reminder that everything is fleeting and temporary, causing him to always be looking towards the future.

Tentoo, on the other hand, is anchored in the present because his perspective will evolve through his exposure to humanity. He will learn to fully embrace the joy and sorrow of living life to the fullest, cherishing every moment, even the mundane ones. He knows that life is temporary and that every day is a precious gift, which is why he will live each moment to its fullest. Despite the inevitable challenges that will come his way, he will remain optimistic, confident that his joy will only grow as he continues to live.

His ability to balance both his human and Time Lord nature allows him to fully embrace all aspects of his life, without giving preference to one over the other. Which in turn, further establishes his unique identity and reinforces the qualities that made him a beloved incarnation of the Doctor.

Tentoo is able to love without hesitation, expressing his affection to those he cares for and acknowledging the importance of emotions that were once discouraged amongst his own kind.

In other words, be Tentoo.

(not the mass murder part though lol)

Be the version of yourself that doesn't hold back and don't commit the same mistakes that the Doctor did out of fear.

So yall be more kind to my boy!