#but it’s like the anxiety is too intense and stubborn nothing is helping

[ihavebeesinmybrain]

i’m so fucking anxious holy fuck holy fuck i am not okay i am scared

[plutosunshine]

The way to welcome the best opportunities in your life

The ruler of the MC can show us the way we get recognition, respect, and success. MC has a lot of interpretations but one of them is the most commonly used - your life purpose, goal, and direction to your highest potential. We are going to look through all the house rulers to know what can help you to achieve your life goals.

The ruler of MC is in the 1st house

The only way you can get success and fulfill all your ambitions is your self-awareness and strong self-esteem. You need to go from “Am I worthy?” To “I will get it done no matter what”. Progress with your self-confidence will invite the best opportunities into your life. You need to understand your worth and build an identity. Knowing who you are and what you stand for is the best way to achieve your goals. You have to trust your gut and follow your ambitions, passionately bringing them to life. You need to learn how to rely on yourself on this journey. Relieve all the passion you have and navigate it to your goals. Your highest potential is YOU, your identity, ambitions, and confidence. You need to be the leader of your life, so to say the main character of your own movie. Don’t be afraid of being too assertive and even intense - these qualities are going to lead you to your greatest success.

The ruler of MC is in the 2nd house

Understanding your worth and building your system of values is the best way to your success. You need to adjust your ambitions to your values and no other way around. Your stubbornness and fixation on goals will lead you on this journey. You have to trust your principles and follow them with all persistence you have and this will welcome the best opportunities in your life. Sometimes it may feel that everything is stuck and nothing is changing but by continuing to follow your life rules and values you will win the life. You need to discover all the talents you have on this journey because it is so important to use all the gifts the universe has given you with this placement. Don’t be afraid of showing who you are because it is the only way you can achieve the greatest goals in your life.

The ruler of MC is in the 3rd house

A flexible attitude to the world will welcome the best opportunities into your life. You need to be open and curious about everything in your life because for you nothing is set in stone. You have to understand that there is no one truth for everyone and every situation requires an individual approach. This attitude will help you to meet life situations with flexible thinking. You will be able to adjust your decisions to the changes. It is the best way to succeed for this placement. Also, you have to understand that the lack of information and knowledge will lead you nowhere. You need to be on the go, changing together with the world. It’s important to know what the agenda is. Let your fixated ideas go and trust the universe with its constant changes.

The ruler of MC is in the 4th house

Balancing your emotions and feelings out will welcome the best opportunities in your life. You need to define your traumas, name them, and heal them. This will help you to dig deep into your emotional side and sort out everything that is going on there. It is important to find a connection between your body and soul. Meditation and other practices may help with that. In order to succeed you need to have a clear head that is not full of fears, worries, and anxiety. Once you get in touch with your emotional side and deal with it, all the best opportunities will come to your life effortlessly.

The ruler of MC is in the 5th house

Expressing and showing your creative side to the world will bring you great success. When you suppress your creative and unique side, you feel like life is meaningless and not full. You need to get in touch with your nature and dig deep into your authentic self. It is the first step and the second is the harder one. You need to express your true self. Don’t close it in a closet because it may become an uncontrollable wild animal and you won't control that. You have to slowly but steadily open the door of the closet and show this little you the world. It may be scary at first but once you trust the universe, the best opportunities will come to your life effortlessly. Don’t hide your authentic self!

The ruler of MC is in the 6th house

Getting new knowledge and becoming the best version of yourself will welcome the best opportunities in your life. It is very important not to be stagnant with this placement. You need to follow your principles and it would be great if you have a healthy lifestyle. Getting new knowledge always helps the 6th house to reach the highest potential. Without learning or reading the 6th house doesn’t get enough stimulation. It is good when you have a goal and persistently reach it. Also, helping others out with small things stimulate your 6th house and you get inspiration. But the most important key to this placement is surely self-improvement.

The ruler of MC is in the 7th house

Finding balance within all your life areas will welcome the best opportunities in your life. You need to set peace and harmony within yourself in order to move forward in life. Also, some sort of partnership may help you very much in life. It doesn’t necessarily have to be love but any one-to-one relationship. Being in a connection you see the sides of yourself that is impossible to see being alone. The partner helps you to open your potential and use it in the outside world. Support and encouragement from your close one is very important for you. It helps you to move forward without any hesitation. Of course, be aware of co-dependency tendencies! And don’t rely on the opinion of you from others.

The ruler of MC is in the 8th house

Digging deep into your fears, worries, and traumas will welcome the best opportunities in your life. The 8th house is all about going deep and almost always it is not easy. You may have been through a lot on your way to finding your life purpose. The 8th house tells that you are insightful and intuitive and that may help you to get the best opportunities in life. Also, you are good at helping other people to find and heal their traumas. With this placement, you could be a good spiritual teacher. Working on your traumas and healing them is the best way to get the best opportunities in life for you.

The ruler of MC is in the 9th house

Exploring the world and expanding your horizons will welcome the best opportunities in your life. You need to learn how to live independently, following your own rules. You are meant to break the boundaries and find your own special way. You are capable of guiding and teaching people and that may help you a lot. You have a great talent for motivating others. Getting new experiences and being brave to try something new will always welcome the best in your life. A positive and even playful attitude to life is the best choice for you.

The ruler of MC is in the 10th house

Finding and reaching the purpose will welcome the best opportunities in your life. This placement is very strong and you can achieve whatever you set in mind but you have to find the goal. The worst scenario for this placement is to live without any purpose or plans. You have so much potential to grow and achieve the greatest things that you must direct all your forces to reach your goals. It may be anything, you just have to have the direction in life and build the whole life around it. Otherwise, you may feel that you don’t use your high potential.

The ruler of MC is in the 11th house

Being open-minded, independent, and your authentic self will welcome the best opportunities in your life. You have to understand your true self and don’t be afraid of showing it to others. You are unique and special and you may feel not happy if you don’t open this side of yourself. Let yourself be free, creative, and open to everything! Dream big because this placement is all about bringing dreams to life. Also, participating in some sort of organizations, groups, or even just groups of friends will inspire you and give you energy.

The ruler of MC is in the 12th house

Listening to your intuition and trusting your gut will welcome the best opportunities in your life. Also, don’t hide your creativity and direct it into some field. Whether it be art or something else, your creativity is healing. Healing is another important part of your success. You are meant to heal your deep wounds and help others with that. You just know unconsciously how to help. Helping is also another important part! You will welcome the best opportunities by helping others, even if it is just a small thing.

[omghallucinations]

aspects and chart patterns for ateez

number one reason why i decided to write this: mingi has a grand cross.

bro this chart goes crazy. a grand cross is a SHIT TON of energy. act right now, think NEVER (or later, obsessively, full of regrets). for mingi the 4 players are uranus "manic pixie dream girl" (14 aquarius), mars "she's cute but a psycho" (15 scorpio), sun "ME! by taylor swift" (16 leo) and saturn "i work so i can go home" (16 taurus). they're all in fixed signs so that can be a rough ride! these guys ain't gonna move. it's easy to not make any progress because he feels really stuck here. the fire is blazing away, but the walls are staying put. it creates a fixed idea of how things are, a relentless energy that can eat itself. terrified of losing security. strength becomes an identity. he's both 100% always sure he is right about everything and staggeringly aware of the multiplicity of life and that no one knows what truth is, since a grand cross has one of each element so the energy is split.

it's like

his sun, in its rulership in leo, so very strong: have you SEEN ME LATELY, i want to LOVE you and come let me SHINE MY RAYS UPON YOU and you can be like wow you're so pretty!! and i'll be like yeah i am!! you're so pretty too!! i love expressing myself through dance and music!! i am 100% embracing my identity i can't be anyone other than me!! (this depends on his rising) versus uranus in aquarius, also rulership if you do modern rulers which i don't usually: uhHHHHH girl. being different is really. hard. also i don't want to join the party and i don't believe in that and also i want to leave and this is giving me anxiety. have you considered that the self is a construct and constantly changing???

meanwhile, on the other side of his chart:

mars strong in its rulership in scorpio if you do traditional rulers, which i do: i'm so sexy and intense and everyone looks at me all the time. i want to act boldly and with power and sexuality and loyalty and i'm not afraid of anyone have you considered that! if you cross me you'll fucking regret it. i'm full of deep powerful desires and i want to act to achieve them!! versus saturn in taurus: sit the hell down and be responsible, you asshole. stop doing that. stop thinking that. stop desiring that. it's not helpful. stop wanting that it's not practical. i'm the ensemble cast in stick to the status quo!! no no no! stick to the stuff you know!!

which produces these big bursts of passionate action and not a lot of follow through. there's also sub arguments, which are fun too.

sun square saturn: father saturn is always haranguing the sun/self/ego that he has to PRODUCE that he has to SUCCEED or what is the POINT, and sometimes the sun is like fuck it... i give up ballet is YOUR dream dad

father saturn is also haranguing gay cousin uranus which has the fun effect of making him both insanely stubborn/rigid and insanely chaotic at the same time

uranus is like the devil on the shoulder of mars encouraging it to do more, be more extreme, move on, hit da BRICKS

mars passes a lot of that message on to the sun, being like you gotta be move and make a decision right now and who gives a shit what the consequences are! let's jump off this building!!

thank god mingi has an "easy opposition" planet that offshoots his saturn-mars opposition! depending on his birth time his moon likely sextiles saturn and trines mars to some degree. the way out of this all or nothing mentality is through his cancer moon (so many of ateez have cancer moons). his moon is basically like... girl go home. learn to garden or knit or something. get out of the club girl what are u doing

san's mars opposes his jupiter exactly. no like. exactly exactly. 0.00 orb which i almost have never seen in my life. so she's a strong and intense opposition! the two sides of the seesaw:

his mars in scorpio: i'll die for you, i'll kill for you, i have deeply internalized so much red hot rage that i am afraid of being angry but also unable to not be angry. haha i'm fine, he said, his eyes shooting fire. let's go deep and dark right now, i can handle any weight and get though anything also if you betray me i will never forget so write that down, i love two things powerful soul-penetrating intimacy and holding on to my grudges. do you remember that one time you did that one thing because i do versus... taurus jupiter: you know what i love? nature. humanity. my ideals. bro you're really harshing my mellow so bad. i want to focus on acquiring my cool items and comfort. have you tried just like... letting go? transform yourself into a more benevolent being! i'm managing my money, other people's money, whatever, my investments go crazy and i have great intimate partnerships and that's enjoy to bring me fulfillment and joy :)

thankfully his leo venus is there! leo venus trines his scorpio mars and sextiles his jupiter, softening each one with that optimistic romance, the creativity, the passion. venus is not always acting perfectly--she sure can be an egomaniac--but it can certainly smooth out the rough edges of mars and connects the two extremes. it's also in the 12th, the pisces-y house, so it's sort of quieter, more introverted, very compassionate and sympathetic to others.

hongjoong also has an almost exact opposition (0.07, so close!) with a softening planet to the side.

jupiter in pisces: have you ever thought about humanity? we have a responsibility to help the less fortunate! do you think ghosts are real? do you want to join a cult? also i'm so sad :( about people being sad :(. also i really really want to spend all my money! right now!! it's fine i'll make more money whatever, what is important is look at my beautiful gorgeous items (2nd house). versus... mars in virgo: gotta WORK. gotta make that mONEY make PURSE. and the way you do that is by killing yourself working :). i can look at every situation logically and critically and i will cross every t and dot every i in the entire world by thursday at the latest. god i love solving weird problems so much. yes i will be reachable by phone :) or text :) or slack :) please feel free to zoom :) no i will not be on vacation ever in my life :)

thankfully he can bridge that gap with his venus in scorpio in the 9th house (think art/values/beauty/romance that is unafraid of darkness and eager to get to the heart of shit often about philosophy/religion/art/travel). his sun and mc also contribute to that--so his ego/identity and his career. they trine/sextile the two planets themselves, just not exactly.

on the other side of that opposition, we have... a t-square :(. his gemini moon in the 5th house squares both jupiter and mars. a t-square is often like--bro you've repressed some shit but here's some red hot raw potential if u work through it. it can help and hurt, like all aspects. the moon makes sure the chart is like HEY. LOOK AT MARS AND JUPITER. THERE IS A BIG DIFFERENCE BETWEEN MARS AND JUPITER RIGHT. it anchors the difference. it can mean his emotions go zoom zoom from one side to the other--moon/jupiter of benevolence, so many feelings, philosophy, the meaning of life on one side, and then on the other side i have NEVER had a FEELING in my LIFE how DARE you i gotta WORK and THINK ABOUT STUFF what do you mean "don't intellectualize" and "feel my feelings" LMAO sounds fake.

seonghwa interestingly enough has no oppositions at all between planets--he's not going to seesaw within himself. he's gonna make a choice and not understand why other people are making such a big deal out of it. i bet he doesn't even have an internal monologue, lucky bitch. goddamnit.

he does have some interesting conjunctions--he has an exact conjunction with saturn and mars in aries in the 10th house. saturn gives mars a capricorn-ish, earth sign flavor. the way he asserts himself is going to be logical, practical, he does not like change, there's a lot of anxiety with action. this is amplified by them being in the 10th house. saturn gets a boost here because the 10th house is the capricorn house--it likes it here. they are more loosely conjunct his retrograde mercury (some trouble communicating) and his sun. they all get that same practical capricorn flavor.

mars in aries: you cannot kill me in any way that matters :) capricorn in aries: hm. technically. they can. what if, for example, your local coffee shop rearranges the furniture mars in aries: 1 fear

his cancer rising (22 cancer) exactly squares mars and saturn (22 aries) and more loosely mercury and his sun. it's like his identity/his life purpose/life direction as a nurturing, healing person who also struggles with vulnerability and being a bit judgmental sometimes shut up about it runs up against his 10th house work self, for better or worse. fire (aries) and water (cancer) don't get along, their goals are different.

he has other interesting things in his chart but i'm really trying to just to aspects right now lmao this is so long!!

jongho has an exact opposition between jupiter and pluto, so that's a fun bounce between

jupiter in gemini: man i love to be social, free, not taking shit serious, talking to people about whatever, and pluto in sagittarius: get AWAY from me i am LEAVING goodBYYYYYE

if you are extremely generous with your orbs, he could have uranus to quote unquote soften that--sort of like, idek i do my shit my way and it's chill. it's a big orb though so i don't really count it hardcore.

he also loosely has his virgo mars anchoring the opposition into a t-square--it creates sort of a versus situation. like hongjoong, he has a virgo mars (the gotta WORK (but not in a showy capricorn way, i'm genuinely doing the work stop showing off)) struggling to balance the opposing impulses of pluto and jupiter.

gotta wORK... on what? gotta work with people in a social way? or gotta work by getting the hell out of here independently? he can vacillate between the two extremes, avoid one of the points until his saturn return clomps up to say heyyyy girlllllll or some mixture of the two.

wooyoung has one opposition between planets!

mercury in scorpio (15) in the second house: i wanna get into the deep weeds with people, i want to skip the small talk and trauma dump on each other, i wanna say the TRUTH i don't CARE if it's "nice" also i'm fairly practical and critical, in contrast to how i am all or nothing motherfucker anyway i need to passionately argue my ideas and also i need to ice you out, i'm complex okay!! gOD you just don't UNDERSTAND the exhilarating highs and perilous lows of LIFE like I DOOO versus saturn in taurus (15) in the eighth house: oh shit i gotta keep myself in check and be normal so i can handle other people's problems and not lose all my money and not transform too much it will make people uncomfortable fuck i'm afraid of death i need to have a stable foundation jesus christ stop being so emotional and focus on what is practical!! god!!!!

there is no easy way out of that one i'm afraid.

instead, there's a t-square!!! the action point is his uranus in aquarius in the fifth house so there's issues with feeling like being his own unique person is in itself disruptive. he fears rejection--probably went through that a lot as a child (5th house). on the bright side, having to deal with the squares will help him gain resolution in this seesaw. the vibes are:

i have to restrict myself and be a normal bitch gotta WORK, gotta make that MONEY make PURSE

no wait. i have to be my weird ass self and express that creatively! my uniqueness is my charming point! it is so fun and awesome to be a little weirdo!

u know what actually let's connect deeply i wanna talk about emotional TRUTHS i wanna bear my SOUL i'm so RIGHT about everything and if i talk at you enough you will learn the truth!!

oops changed my mind goodbye everyone, i have reinvented myself again and i need to run away forever i'm a manic pixie dream girl and i've ghosted you. :)

yeosang has a grand trine! with a generous orb, so it's less strong than it could be. a rare aspect that is all about ease. again, like all aspects and chart patterns, there are pros and cons. a grand trine is a big ole triangle with 3 planets or points in the same element and they all get along great. yeosang's ascendant in aries is trine pluto in sagittarius is trine venus in leo. his life purpose/direction, his understanding of power death and rebirth and his desire for love, what he likes, his values, etc are always chatting away in endless circles and it's very cohesive but it can really lack direction.

pluto: i don't know where do u wanna go ascendant: idk were do u wanna go venus: idk where do u wanna go

like that. there's a lot of potential here: the newness and excitement and babyness of an aries rising, the intensity and passion of pluto, the love and harmony and creativity of venus, but it lacks direction in a major way.

like san and hongjoong, yeosang also has a mars and jupiter opposition. san and hongjoong's are exact, though (so like jupiter at 18 pisces is exactly opposite mars at 18 virgo), so they are stronger. yeosang's is more chill but still present.

jupiter in aries in the 1st house: i love being alive! i feel fresh and brand new. optimism is so easy for me! i act quickly and i want what i want but also if you want something i'll get it for you! i have strong values and i'm super honest and i'm not afraid of that in any way :). everything will work out!! mars in libra in the 7th house: haha... a decision? never heard of her hahah.... it's fine whatever u want is cool.... .. . i don't really wanna get it myself so uh. well if u think it's okay???? do you think it's okay?????? does everyone else think it's okay???? i'm very stressed and mars is in detriment here so i am uncomfortable but it's okay i'll be fine whatever u want is okay with me so long as the group is happy right???

it's also interesting because as an aries rising, his chart ruler is mars in libra--it's gonna flavor his whole personality strongly. normally in that opposition jupiter would overrule mars in its detriment, but because mars is the chart ruler that side of his personality gets emphasized more.

yunho has a locomotive chart pattern--that's like when 3/4 parts of the wheel have planets in them. hongjoong also has this. these people tend to be more driven towards goals, and there's one planet that acts as the engine--for hongjoong it's his virgo mars, which makes sense, and yunho's is his gemini moon in the eighth house. his engine is social-emotional in a light gemini sort of way not in an intense water moon sort of way. it's also square his pisces mercury in the 4th house (the cancer house, home/roots/foundation). to me that's like

gemini moon in the 8th: emotions are interesting to me in an abstract way but they don't really affect me that much, i'm always able to see the logical side of things. i'm really good at talking people through their feelings and i love to talk about mine too--but i do not want to actually feel them, ew gross that does not make me feel safe and feeling safe is extremely important to me! anyway what feeling i don't know what you're talking about my mood is totally different now i don't remember her? yeah i was upset but that was thirty seconds ago catch up! pisces mercury in the 4th: that person over there is sad i can feel it :( be nice to them :( i am gonna be really careful so i don't offend them :( anyway there is no one right answer i could be wrong idk i'm used to everything changing all the time so it's not a big deal do u think that person needs a hug :( gemini moon, trying to not feel anything: what are u doing here

this seems like a very helpful and productive square that keeps pisces and gemini--both mutable signs--from going too far in either direction. the house placements feel more unstable though.

uranus is also trine the moon so that weighs the scale more on the detachment side. uranus in aquarius in the 3rd (gemini house) is air on air on air, but also very stubborn and obsessed with being free. goodBYYYYEYYEE in a planet.

his sun is also conjunct jupiter in aries which makes his personality larger-than-life or like, expanded in some way. known. success comes easier. it's also in the fifth house of creativity and self expression which is a fun, carefree vibe, youthful leo energy. can get an ego, but he's friendly!

venus at home in taurus in the 6th conjunct saturn in taurus in the 6th--that's like saturn squeezing the life out of venus a little bit. holding it down.

venus in taurus: everyone likes me i'm cute and lovable and things come so easy to me! i love items and feeling safe and at home! man this is a soft hoodie i have achieved fulfillment. i know the perfect thing to smooth over this awkward social situation because things gotta stay stable it's insanely important to me but u know it's cool, i'm so friendly and personable :) saturn in taurus: have u ever considered that everyone betrays u venus in taurus: everyone.... could betray me. i... could betray me...... ... . better not let anyone in emotionally!!! i don't trust that shit! but if you do stay we're for life, so. ride or die.

anyway i'm interested in doing more astrology for ateez, these bitches go crazy. almost all of them have very active uranus and they have either a gemini moon (yunho, san, hongjoong) or a cancer moon (wooyoung, seonghwa, mingi, yeosang) or they are jongho, who has either an aries or a pisces moon depending on when he was born. what the hell bro. wild.

[crushedsweets]

Apple of my eye;🍎 Bonnibel Hayes, Farnbury's resident granddaughter

childhood, present day, innerworkings, appearance, & artwork

NOTHING BUT THE REPLAY; Childhood

♡ Bonnibel Hayes was born and raised in San Francisco, California. Every summer, she was sent to visit her grandparent's apple orchard in Farnbury, Alabama

♡ But Bonnie is haunted. Literally and metaphorically. The orchard skirted around that mysterious forest. Being the only child nearby, the ghosts of the forest clung to her throughout her adolescence

♡ Some ghosts were sweet to her. Singing lullabies and swiftly closing her windows on cold nights. But most were cruel, having been victims to that thing residing in the woods. Some nights, she'd wake up to a mangled corpse looming over her and an intense pressure against her throat. She began to deteriorate.

♡ Only days after her 10th birthday, Bonnie had been several nights without sleep and days without food. The ghosts that wrecked her body urged her to the forest

♡ Grabbing her papa's trusty hunting rifle, that sick little girl stumbled into the forest. She swung the gun around, screaming and begging to be relieved of these ghosts, until she was silenced by a woman as ill as herself

♡ Bonnibel's cries couldn't compare to her wails. Not even when the slender-sick woman charged at the little girl, tackling her to the ground and blasting obscenities. Bonnie couldn't beat her screams

♡ What was Bonnie expected to do? Thrown to the floor like that, gun in arms and barrel pressed into the woman's gut? Frail fingers reached for the trigger, and...

♡ Bonnibel found herself at a water pump that night. Rusty and red, she put her whole weight just to fill that bucket of icy water and dump it over herself. Scrubbed at her white dress, stained with guilt and sin. Picked the dry blood beneath her nails and prayed it would all melt away

♡ Not even a week later, Bonnie was on a flight back home. She didn't return to Farnbury for five years

♡ She didn't seem to get it. Five years later, she went back into that forest and put her friends at risk

WASTE OF A GIRL; Present day

♡ Bonnie's aunt, and grandparents main caretaker, went missing in October 2007. Consequently, in January 2008, Bonnie moved to help around the orchard and her aunt's "Apple Antiques" shop

♡ She starts as the only employee, working from 9:30-4pm Monday-Thursday

♡ The ghosts still follow her around, but after a long absence, they don't harass her so much. But long, bony fingers still linger down her spine

♡ She didn't get involved with that damn investigation until she realized all of these people were experiencing the same things as her. Maybe in different ways, but the relief she felt knowing that maybe, just maybe, they can get rid of their problems together

♡ She gets almost pushy about it. She'll send texts, ask to hang out, constantly bring the monster up. It's not until a month or so goes by and she realizes she just likes to be around this crowd

♡ Bonnie melts into Summer. Basks in the sunlight and adores the new friends she made. Things are starting to get better, and this is the first Summer in a long time that she thinks it's going to be okay

♡ She couldn't imagine anything going wrong, not when all her friends want to get better, too

LEAVING ALL THE LIGHTS ON; Innerworkings

♡ Bonnibel's nice, to put it simply

♡ Catch her in the right group, and she's bubbly beyond belief - filled with giggles and shakes and joy

♡ By choice, she is an optimist full of life. Against her will, she's usually in a bit of a daze. Her nerves run wild and awkwardness infects her. It's like she's in a trance. Hypnotized and wondering what to do next

♡ Bonnie is rotting from the inside out with guilt.

♡ She's stubborn and often frustrated, but any form of consequence has her quietly subsiding. She'll complain to her grandma, though

♡ She's regrettably Type-A, with a longing to be Type-B. She tries to practice patience, relaxation, and flexibility, but her ambition, anxiety, and stress-levels make it difficult

♡ Bonnie feels like awful things are an inherent part of her being. Bad luck and ghosts have rooted themselves inside of her, but the second she catches a sliver of light, she clings to it

♡ Bonnibel loves life. She loves joy, and friendship, and green grass, and blue skies, and warm brownies, and soft cats, and antique furniture, and vintage clothes, and smile lines, and all things good

♡ She just wants to enjoy everything. If an opportunity presents itself, she's chasing it

♡ Right now, that opportunity is this strange group

SICK OF ALL THE NOTHING ON YOUR FACE; Appearance

♡ Bonnibel stands at 5'1. Her shoulders are pushed back, but her chin is brought down. She poorly feigns confidence with her posture, until you notice anxious fingers picking at the hem of her clothes

♡ Bright, ginger waves cascade to the small of her back. Bangs awkwardly frame her round face and do nothing to hide foggy, blue stares

♡ Her skin is almost translucent and ghostly, with visible veins wrapping all along her body. She's spotted with freckles and brown moles. Her digits are always blushed and icy

♡ Voice like sugar. Grainy, but sweet. She's excitable and stammers her sentences out

♡ She's usually dressed in neutrals. Browns, whites, blacks & denim, lace, and leather. Baggy jackets and flannels, miniskirts and crop tops, boots and nylons.

THE EXTENT OF ALL MY WORTHLESS RAGE; artwork

[saintgoths]

ᴍʏ ᴄᴀᴛ ɢᴏᴛ ꜰɪɴᴇᴅ ꜰᴏʀ ʟɪᴛᴛᴇʀɪɴɢ

DEALER!ELLIE X READER - MY CAT GOT FINED FOR LITTERING. [COLLEGE/UNIVERSITY AU].

[PART SEVEN TO THE CATGIRL SERIES.]

WORD COUNT - 3,126.

RATING - 18+.[Angst].

SUMMARY - ellie confronts you.

[follow for more content].

previous chapter - chapter six.

It had felt personal, Ellie’s music performance; it had been a day since Doris had spoken to Ellie and the Williams girl had found it difficult to process the circumstance she had been in. When she had returned to her dorm, she speculated and pondered if she had been a part of this perverted plan of yours.

Yesterday night had involved her gently strumming her fingers against her acoustic guitar and staring up at the ceiling. Whispered singings and stinging eyes. She had not wanted to believe it, but Dina had warned her about you, about your promiscuity and your cold-heartedness, but per usual, Ellie had been stubborn, had wanted to see the good side of you and reach your core.

The two of you had still been together---but you had recognised today that she had been avoidant. Before her performance had begun, the two of you were supposed to meet up and even have sex to ease Ellie’s anxiety, though, when you had gone to meet Ellie at her dorm you were provided with the information by a neighbouring person who had told you that she had left early in the morning to prepare.

You didn’t think much of it, yet, at the same time you did. Ellie normally told you whenever plans had changed.

Ellie was the third performance for the night, and after her was going to be a duo performance shared by Cat and Doris. You had briefly scanned the performance list and read that the two of them were going to perform ‘All the things she said by t.A.T.u.’.

You couldn’t help but roll your eyes.

When it had been Ellie’s turn there had been a soft wave of ambience that danced through the atmosphere, the whole setting had become quiet and the creak noises of the chair Ellie had sat on had currently been the loudest noise. The usual bright white lighting had swirled into an orangish-brown tone of autumn and with a smile, you had crossed your arms as she had commenced to sing Fade Into You.

The crowd was pleased, you were pleased, but you couldn’t overlook the certain expression Ellie had in her eyes. It wasn’t necessarily a look of revenge, but of betrayal.

“I look to you and I see nothing,” Ellie had sung, as she looked at you, you had moved your hand against your chest. No one was looking at you, but you had felt like there had been a thousand eyes that had looked through you as if you were transparent glass.

“I look to you to see the truth, you live your life, you go in shadows.”

You could almost feel your smile go sour, with the intense look Ellie had on her face, you had almost thought she was singing to you, but you had realised, she was singing about you.

“Fade into you, strange you never knew.”

Unsure, you had looked around to see Cat and Doris together, they didn’t look at you but had been content on what they had seen on stage. Confused, you had returned to look at Ellie as you had watched the rest of her performance.

A strong feeling of uncertainty crept along your skin, but you had been sure it shouldn’t have been anything too crucial. Thus, when Ellie’s performance had finished, you had left to backstage to speak to her.

You had found her behind curtains, on her own as she returned her belongings back to where she had taken them from, there had been hushed whisperings, not about you or Ellie, but about the next performance; where to put the lights, what colour the lights should be, change of stools and sounds of rushes of feet.

You weren’t sure if there was an actual problem between the two of you, but you couldn’t help but feel a strange pit in your stomach form. You had been anxious with the way you stroked your knuckles with the pad of your thumb, gracelessly you had smiled as you saw Ellie turn to look at you. She had seemed different, had not returned your smile but had glanced at you as if you were an annoying fly that buzzed circles around her.

“Hey,” you breathed and with a nod, Ellie resumed to put her things away. “What’s wrong?”

“Not here,” Ellie muttered and you pressed your lips together, awkwardly you had scanned the atmosphere around you, had saw how Doris and Cat rushed through the once closed curtains and heard the claps from the crowd who had waited for the girls to commence. You had taken your eyes from them when Ellie grabbed your upper arm and pulled you to a more private section.

Once she had let go, you had smiled at her once more. “Your performance was brilliant,” you said aware that the expression on Ellie hadn’t change thus you had felt a lump in your throat form.

“Were you the girl Cat cheated on me with?” Ellie had questioned, her inquiry had appeared more like a statement and her sentence had felt like a blow.

You had paused. Your silence an answer enough, and finally the mask on Ellie’s face had slipped. There were paints of heart-break, disgust and sadness in her eyes, so you couldn’t help but stutter when you spoke. “I didn’t know it was you.”

“And yet you still slept with Cat knowing she was in a relationship with someone?” Ellie asked.

Defensive, you pulled your arms behind you. “It takes two to tango.”

Ellie rudely scoffed. “When you cheated on Cat, you were with Doris. I was never able to find out who Cat cheated on me with because the both of you were so secretive about it. So, who is the girl you have decided to sleep with next?” Ellie rambled; her eyes wide as they mirrored depths of treachery, surprised, you had pulled your face back. “Dina?” She questioned. “Were you going to get with Dina?”

“No,” you frowned. “Dina’s with Jesse---”

“That hasn’t stopped you before,” Ellie snapped and arms crossed, you looked away from her, guilty you could feel your eyes sting with embarrassment. She was right.

It hadn’t stopped you before, it hadn’t stopped you countless of times. “Ellie,” you said in one breath. “I’m not that kind of person anymore.”

“How can I believe that?” Ellie cried out. “Knowing your history,” she drawled, forehead scrunched as she withheld her need to cry. She had wanted it to work between you and her, desperately, so desperately to the point she had dismissed the red flags Dina had pointed out previously.

“Well, all I can do is apologise,” you said as you had taken a hard gulp, your eyes looked away from Ellie’s as if the both of your orbs had been the same magnet, howbeit, you held yourself together and looked back at the Williams girl, lips softly pinched fore you had spoken again. “I’m sorry, and if there’s anything I can do take make it up to you---”

“There’s nothing you can do,” Ellie corrected and defeated, the tight muscles in your shoulders deflated.

You had understood where the direction of the conversation was going and you attempted to make peace with it, like as Ellie said, there was nothing you could do about it. “Does this mean…we’re over?” You gently questioned, your almost whisper a whimper and stubborn, Ellie had now been the one to look away from you.

��Maybe,” she shrugged. “I don’t want to be with someone like this.”

With a sour smile you nodded your head. “Okay,” you said before you had lifted your feet to walk away.

❊❊❊

Silently, you had sat in your car, hands balled in a fist as the emotions you had pent up in front of Ellie had finally ignited, tears slipped like a slit in a pool and your body had shivered as you had immediately used your hands to wipe away your cries. You couldn’t blame anyone but yourself, and you took accountability for that, that you weren’t invincible, and you couldn’t get away with just everything, you were a Human at fault, and being a Human came with consequences.

You had leaned yourself back against your car-seat, the ringing of your phones had interrupted your episode of tears. You had desperately wished for it to be Ellie calling you, saying that she didn’t mean to break up with you, and that the two of you could meet in her dorm, hug each other and kiss while the whispers of Cat and Doris no longer harmed the relationship you had with each other.

Though, it had not been Ellie’s name who had flashed on your screen, but your father’s. You sniffled as you had held yourself together, with a soft smile you had answered the phone, perhaps the sound of his voice would help you get over the heart-break. However, when his voice spoke through your device, you had immediately noticed the tired strain.

You had frowned and flared your nose to keep yourself together. “Hey,” you had greeted. “Are you okay, dad?”

“I want to see you,” your father requested. “I want to see my child, I feel unwell, and I need you and your mother around me.”

As you had blinked away your cold tears you had sat up on your seat as you readied yourself to drive. “I’ll be coming back home immediately,” you said and as you had cancelled the call, you drove back home, hands tight around the steering wheel, while the knuckles of your fingers bright due to the intensity of your grip, but when you had returned back home, there was a moment of relief, as if the world’s burdens finally fell from your shoulders

You greeted the security once you stepped out of your car, then you had greeted your mother who kissed the edge of your forehead.

“He’s in his bedroom,” your mother gently said and she had walked behind you once you moved your feet to the path of his room. Your flat smile curved downwards once you saw your father, he had looked sicker than usual, but there was a fight in his eyes. You didn’t realise you had frozen on spot until your mother’s hand pressed against your shoulder, scared, you had looked at your mother who had an encouraging expression on her face. “Go on,” she whispered as you gently turned to look at your father once more.

With a sad smile, you had treaded lightly by the side of his bed. “You look good,” you said, your voice hoarse and sorrowful.

Your father had then coughed as he laughed. “Don’t lie to me,” he said and with a soft laugh you had reached for his hand.

“You look worse,” you whispered, your forward comment had pushed a laugh out of him and you could feel your mother gently stroke the threads of your hair to reassure you.

Perhaps she had known something happened to you previously, but you had pushed that idea way. “Your father wants you to take over everything when he’s gone.”

Unsure, you had pulled your face backwards. “It’s what he wants,” your mother gently pressed, and with small strength, your father held your hand tighter. He had raised you to become someone who would take over his company, but never had you thought you’d inherit it at such a young age.

Your nose had then flared, in denial. “I don’t need to take over,” you cried out, unaware that tears had spilled down your cheeks again. “You’re going to survive it dad, I know it.”

There had then been a short silence, your father had trained his eyes on you, his face neutral but there had been a soft gleam. You had wondered how he felt so easy towards it, his condition killed him slowly every day. Mayhap it was because he wouldn’t have to feel the loss once he died, it would just be your mother and you, depressed and scared.

“[Y/N], go get my pills,” your father kindly ordered and immediately on your feet, you had wiped your tears with the back of your arm. You had dragged your feet, each whimper that had left your mouth heard from both your parents had softly disappeared the closer you went towards his connected bathroom.

You had cringed once you saw yourself in the mirror. You looked a mess, but you couldn’t focus on that. Your father was practically on his death-bed, and all you had to do right now, was focus on him.

You pulled the wall-cabinet open that revealed the plethora of pills that had been for your father. You examined them as a gentle breath of air was caught in your throat, you had collected the main medicine for him, as the pad of your thumb stroked the letters of your father’s name on the sticker, you had tried to seal the desire to take some for yourself.

Opioids.

You had fought the longing, blinked it away as you turned to the unsealed door that opened to your father’s room. With a side leer, you had handed the pills to your mother to open it for him. “Here,” you sighed fore you returned to your seat.

❊❊❊

“Did you really break up with her?” Dina questioned.

She turned to face Ellie who had leaned against her headboard, guitar in her arms as she gently strummed her guitar strings. The Williams girl had not realised the pent-up anxiety that had bubbled in her until she had spoken. “Yes,” Ellie had said, unsure of herself. “I didn’t want to be around someone with so much lies and secrets,” she explained as she stopped fiddling with the music instrument.

Understanding, Ellie’s best friend had sat up. “I didn’t think [Y/N] was good for you, but I could see that she liked you,” Dina shared, as much as she had found you suspicious, she had recognised the glint in your eyes whenever Ellie was closed to you, whenever Ellie held your hand or spoke to you. Dina didn’t want to be unfair and keep her observations to herself.

Legs close to her chest, Dina wrapped her arms around her lower limbs. “Are you talking to Cat and Doris?” Dina had asked. She had found out to not be kicked out, Doris had to pay an immense fine for sharing the explicit photos of both [Y/N] and Ellie.

“From time to time,” Ellie briefly shrugged. “I don’t think I can be friends with them again.”

“Good,” Dina popped. “It’ll bring so much more drama if you did continue to pursue a friendship with them,” Dina expressed and with a brief exchange of looks, Ellie had taken in what Dina said to be true.

As the Williams girl placed her guitar beside her bed-stand, she had taken a brief pause. Her back was faced towards Dina and her eyes had shortly focused on her covered knees. “Should I have asked for [Y/N]’s side of the story?” Ellie quizzingly whispered.

“[Y/N]’s always been a player,” Dina clearly clarified. “I did warn you about it in the beginning, I’m 50/50, apologetic for telling you that she isn’t to be trusted, but at the same time glad, because this information Doris had told you a couple of days ago, would’ve hurt you worse than it currently did.”

Ellie had still been mad at you, considering what you did was morally wrong, there had still been something in Ellie’s heart that yearned to speak to you again, hear your voice, your laugh and watch the way you smile. She had hoped to see the glint in your eyes Dina had spoken of.

“Text her,” Dina suggested as she pulled herself off Ellie’s bed, ready to leave.

“I’ll think about it, thanks for coming here,” Ellie thanked as she watched Dina pull on her shoes.

With a brief and enthusiastic nod. Dina had responded. “Welcome,” Dina smiled before she hugged her best-friend before leaving her dorm. “I’ll catch you later,” Dina said as she closed the door behind her.

❊❊❊

The moment Ellie texted you to come to her dorm you had been quick to appear in front of her door, you had softly knocked, unprepared with what to say. The minute you had left your father’s home you had focused on seeing Ellie, your mind blank, your adrenaline was so high in your car you had forgotten to focus on other things that had mattered.

When Ellie opened her door, the auburn-haired woman allowed you to come in. She had noted you had seemed quieter than usual, yet, she didn’t comment on it yet. She closed the door behind her and awkwardly shoved her hands into her pockets.

“You okay?” Ellie questioned and as you turned to look at her, the Williams girl noticed you were buzzed, howbeit, not high enough for you to not understand the conversation shared.

“Yeah,” you nodded as you had sat on the chair that had been lazily tucked beneath the desk.

Graceless, Ellie had sat opposite of you, her bottom against the edge of her bed as she looked at you with unsure eyes. “The way things were left was awkward,” she coughed as she sat up, the girl eventually slipped her hands out of her pockets and rubbed the hardness of her thumb against her knuckles. “I should’ve heard your side of the story.”

“It was all true,” you blurted. “And I’m sorry.”

Surprised and taken aback, Ellie gently pulled herself back as she quickly thought of what to say. “I didn’t mean to break up with you, I was just pissed off.”

Relieved, your bottom lips slipped under your teeth. “Okay,” you weakly responded, embarrassed on how Ellie saw this side of you, you had quickly looked away from her and wiped your tears.

Immediately on her feet, Ellie reached for you. “Are you sure you’re, okay?” Ellie pressed, eyes confused and worried as she saw the way you trembled.

Hands clasped together you shook your head to dismiss her question. “Yeah---I’m fine, it’s just my dad.”

“Has he gone sicker?” Ellie asked and with a quick shake of your head, a lie fell out of your lips.

“No, he’s perfectly fine, I just need fresh air,” you said and immediately, Ellie directed herself to the exit.

She had beckoned for you to follow her. “Okay, then let’s take a walk,” she suggested, one hand around the door knob and the other reaching out to you.

“Okay,” you smiled as you pulled yourself to your feet just as you grasped her hand. The two of you shared kind glances with each other before you exited her room.

feedback would be appreciated! if you want to be apart of the tag list comment <3

plus, it is ending soon within 2-3 chapters!

masterlist

catgirl masterlist

[saruman-the-silly]

Alrighty, so I'd like to request some comfort hcs w the papas (or just Copia if you're not feeling like doing all of them !!) also it gets quite personal, so slight content warning for burn out and imposter syndrome

I've been really stressed out lately, as I'm pursuing very demanding studies (preparatory class yay) and they're starting to take a toll on my physical and mental health. And to top it off, I find myself unable to get anything done bc of failure anxiety, which leaves me very tired with intense imposter syndrome :') How would the papas comfort a gn or fem s/o in a similar situation?

Take the time you need, and have a good day/night !! <3

aw hey I'm sorry to hear that!! but I know you're gonna get through this, and hopefully these headcanons might help a little :) this took a little longer than I liked, but I hope you like it and hope this will bring some comfort for you <333 sending much love and encouragement!!

-------------

How Papas would comfort their s/o during their studies

Primo:

A sweetheart, as I have mentioned in previous headcanons, he would be knocking on your door with a cup of warm tea.

Primo sees the dark circles under your eyes, sighs, and wraps you in a warm hug which you just melt in.

"Amore, how I wish you could just relax for a moment, this stress is not good for you."

You mumbled something about being a failure and Primo lifted your head gently with his hand, pressing a kiss to your forehead.

"Never talk about yourself that way amore. You are already working so hard towards your goals and dreams, you could never be a failure. Not to me."

Primo would then absolutely spend the rest of the evening making sure you were relaxing, even for a little while. He would read to you if it helped you calm down, he would light up some scented candles and give you a massage for your sore shoulders.

You, being so tired and stressed out, would soon fall into a deep sleep in Primo's arms, for once feeling safe and secure.

Secondo:

Secondo sees your distress but does not know how to address it. With you stubbornly insisting that you're fine, he doesn't want to cross any boundaries.

Instead, he starts leaving little notes and tiny gifts for you, like a cup of coffee beside your bed when you wake up. The coffee was made precisely to your taste, and it was sinfully good.

Even with these tiny gestures, Secondo can still see the way you carry yourself is less and less confident every day. So, he decides to address the elephant in the room.

He sits you down one day, asking about your studies and how are you doing. You insist once again that, you're fine, there's nothing to worry abo- Secondo takes your hand in his and gives it a gentle squeeze, looking at you with understanding in his eyes and you break down.

You spill everything out, and he just listens. He doesn't comment, he doesn't offer advice, he just sits there, holds you hands soothingly and listens. After you're done venting, Secondo presses a soft kiss to your forehead, and tells you: "Amore. You are the most intelligent person I have ever gotten the pleasure to know, but even I know that you need rest now."

You try to protest, he doesn't care lmao. Secondo makes you your favourite meal (You hadn't even realised how hungry you were) and you watch some trashy soap operas together for the rest of the evening.

Terzo:

Terzo notices right away and tries to gently ask you what's wrong.

Remember, he loves you. So much. But he does not know how too approach this subject so he will keep pestering you about it and you argue, insisting you're fine.

It turns into a full on argument, since both of you are too stubborn to accept defeat, until he accidentally hits a sore spot and you just snap. Everything spills out and you just start sobbing on the floor.

Terzo hates himself right now. He's beating himself up mentally so bad for hurting you when you're clearly in distress, and he gets down on the floor beside you, hugging you and comforting you.

After you have calmed down, Terzo apologizes profusely, you shush him and tell him it's fine but he insists.

"Amore. Amore mio. I am not good with this but let me lend you my ears and my full attention. If I can help in any way, I am here for you." So, you just sit there talking for the next 2 hours. Terzo rubs your back comfortingly and whispers words of encouragement when finding words seems to be hard.

Remember, he loves you so much. Terzo's not a serious guy, he isn't good at this, but for you? He's willing to do anything.

Copia:

Copia doesn't notice until someone points it out. Lol. Poor man is just so overwhelmed with his own work, as usual´.

When he does notice, Copia abandons all of his work. Immediately. You and your well-being are his top priority.

He will gently approach you one day, seeing you drowning in your studies.

"Amore, please, take a break and come drink some tea with me." You smile at him, eyes tired but shake your head. "Thank you darling but I have to finis-" Copia wraps you in a warm hug from behind, putting his head on your shoulder.

"Please?" He whispers into your ear, making you shiver. You smile and sigh, while poking his side. "Fine, just for a few minutes." Little do you know, it was more than a few minutes.

Copia is excellent at distracting you from your studies. He lets you play with his rats, showing you all the tricks they know and letting you teach them some. You laugh and smile until your cheeks start to hurt, and Copia feels his heart getting lighter with your smile.

When it's later in the evening and you're laying in his arms, he gently asks about your studies. Feeling more open and relaxed, you open up about your stress, and like his brothers, Copia is an excellent listener. He listens, and is there for you.

After you have opened up, he kisses your forehead gently before wrapping you in a tight embrace. "Thank you for telling me this, I promise to help you in any way I can."

------------------------------------------------------

Here it iiiiiiiiiiiiiis finally :DD I really hope these will bring some comfort during tough times, and hope you enjoy <3

[bigsoftmarshmallow]

Omg, i've ben super quiet cuz this monday i got SUPER sick, im talking about fever, vomiting, coughing, etc- NOW THAT IM BETTER, i have to say that part of my way of coping was to imagine some of my faves taking care of me, and since i just love asking you about ganondorf... Could you do a "How would ganondorf take care of their sick SO?" It doesnt have to be all of them, just ur fave gan would do :3

I WAS WONDERING WHERE YOU WENT-

I am so glad you are doing better hun! Sounds like you had a rough go of it. TxT *strong hug* I do the same thing when Im sickly too! Just daydreaming of being taken care of by my favorites <3

I will be happy to do all of them! If you are curious who my favorites are, its all of them, but I do have a special place for Tears of the Kingdom Ganondorf and Hyrule Warriors Ganondorf.

Demise bullied his way back into the asks again I'm sorry I couldnt stop him YOU try telling the original demon king no-

***********************************************************************

Wind Waker Ganondorf

Approach: Wind Waker Ganondorf would be deeply concerned but might struggle with expressing his compassion due to his pride and demeanor. He would try to take control of the situation, often in his own commanding way.

Care:

Commanding Efficiency: He’d immediately summon the best healers and medicinal experts available to tend to his SO.

Intense Focus: He’d be intensely focused on ensuring every possible remedy and treatment is utilized, leaving little to chance.

Pragmatic Comfort: Despite his often stoic demeanor, he’d offer practical comfort, like ensuring the room is at the right temperature and his SO has everything they need.

Stubborn Vigil: He’d likely stay by their side, albeit in a rather stiff manner, often pacing or checking in frequently.

Scene: Ganondorf stands by the bedside, watching as the healers administer treatments. His face is a mask of concern and frustration. "This fever must break soon. Ensure that everything is done to bring their temperature down."

Ocarina of Time Ganondorf

Approach: Ocarina of Time Ganondorf would be deeply distressed and might find it hard to mask his anxiety. He’d be fiercely protective and would insist on taking an active role in their care, driven by both love and a need to control the situation.

Care:

Intense Focus: He’d want to oversee every aspect of their care, from the medicine to the room environment.

Emotional Turmoil: His usually imposing demeanor would soften considerably, revealing his deep worry and vulnerability.

Protective Measures: He’d likely set up wards or magical barriers around the sickroom to prevent any additional disturbances.

Soothing Presence: While he might struggle to comfort them with words, he’d be there physically, often holding their hand or keeping vigil.

Scene: Ganondorf sits beside the bed, his face lined with concern. "Rest now. I will make sure nothing disturbs you. The healers have been instructed to do whatever it takes."

Twilight Princess Ganondorf

Approach: Twilight Princess Ganondorf would approach their illness with a mix of determination and a softer side not often seen. He would be both practical and surprisingly gentle.

Care:

Gentle Attention: He would be attentive to their needs, showing a more nurturing side, ensuring they are comfortable and well taken care of.

Healing Focus: He’d utilize both traditional remedies and any dark magic that could help alleviate their symptoms.

Calm Presence: His usual intimidating presence would be replaced by a calm, reassuring demeanor, as he works to ease their discomfort.

Restful Environment: He’d ensure the room is as soothing as possible, perhaps with soft lighting and calming sounds.

Scene: Ganondorf carefully adjusts the blankets, his gaze soft as he looks at his sick partner. "You should rest. I’ll handle everything. Just focus on getting better."

Hyrule Warriors Ganondorf

Approach: Hyrule Warriors Ganondorf would handle their illness with a combination of efficiency and pragmatism, while also showing a genuine concern for their well-being.

Care:

Decisive Actions: He’d quickly implement a plan for their care, coordinating with healers and gathering any necessary supplies.

Strategic Comfort: He would ensure they have everything needed to be comfortable, from the right medications to a properly arranged room.

Occasional Softness: Despite his normally stern demeanor, he’d show occasional glimpses of worry and tenderness.

Organized Vigil: He’d likely keep a detailed log of their symptoms and treatments to monitor their progress.

Scene: Ganondorf paces the room, checking on the various treatments being administered. He stops beside the bed, looking at his partner with a rare, concerned expression. "You will get through this. I’ll make sure of it."

Tears of the Kingdom Ganondorf

Approach: Tears of the Kingdom Ganondorf would be deeply invested in their recovery, driven by a mix of frustration and worry. His approach would be meticulous and attentive.

Care:

Detailed Care: He would ensure every possible remedy is used, from modern medicines to any ancient or magical treatments.

Intense Focus: His focus would be on their complete recovery, often obsessing over every detail of their care.

Compassionate Commands: While his manner might still be commanding, it would be clear he’s deeply concerned, often issuing orders with a softer edge.

Personal Attention: He’d personally attend to them as much as possible, offering both practical help and emotional support.

Scene: Ganondorf stands at the edge of the bed, his face showing rare vulnerability. "This illness will not defeat you. I will see to it personally that every measure is taken to ensure your recovery."

Demise

Approach: Demise would be highly focused on their well-being, though his approach would be driven by a mix of his intense personality and genuine concern. His manner would be a complex blend of harshness and care.

Care:

Diligent Care: He would seek out the most effective treatments, ensuring that his SO is given the best possible care.

Dominant Protection: While he might be overbearing, his actions would stem from a genuine desire to see them recover.

Dark Magic: He might use his dark powers to aid in their healing or to create a more comfortable environment, though this would be done carefully to avoid further harm.

Unwavering Vigil: He’d stay by their side, often watching over them with an intense, almost intimidating presence.

Scene: Demise stands close by the bed, his expression fierce yet concerned. "You will not succumb to this. I will see to it that you are healed, no matter the cost. Rest now; I will handle everything else."

In each case, their reactions and methods reflect their personalities, with a blend of their characteristic traits and their deep care for their significant other.

[lewmagoo]

dona nobis pacem | rhett abbott

latin: [ˈdona ˈnobis ˈpatʃem], "grant us peace."

description: in which one man's determination to protect his family nearly costs him everything

warnings: 18+ only, angst with a happy ending, whump, plot divergence (i mean, OR has no cohesive plot so does it matter?) mentions of death and murder, violence, blood, brief and nondescript mention of childbirth/fertility issues, physical altercations, stab wound, mentions of hospitals/surgery, rhett's daughter witnesses him getting hurt (necessary warning), talk of trauma, please let me know if i missed anything

characters: rhett abbott x wife reader, together you have a daughter named belle

notes: this story is quite long, and pretty intense, so read at your own discretion. if you are unfamiliar with the storyline of outer range, this might be a little confusing to you, idk. also, i encourage you to listen to dona nobis pacem 1 by max richter while reading this.

Rhett Abbott was a fool to think he could keep his family safe. 

He never wanted any of it to touch you. The mess his brother had caused was not meant to sully you. It was all he was certain of, in a moment otherwise full of fear and uncertainty. Whatever happened, this couldn’t touch you. You couldn’t know. 

But how could he ever think he was capable of protecting you? How could he ever think his wife, and his precious baby girl, would not be dragged into this turmoil?

Those were his thoughts, grim as they were, as he lay bleeding out against the front seat of his truck as you begged him not to leave you, pleading with him to hold on just a little longer. 

But as his consciousness faded, much like the quickly setting sun, he knew this was it. Nothing would be the same ever again. Life as you knew it was seconds from spiraling out of control, torn asunder all because of the foolish actions of one man. 

It was never supposed to end like this. But as his eyes drifted shut of their own accord, he was powerless to stop it. Rhett had fought so hard not to lose his family, but he’d neglected to take into account that his family was going to lose him. 

He should’ve known it was all going to fall apart the night he came home, Perry in tow, clothing stained with another man’s blood. They were quiet as they crept into the house, but not quiet enough, because you were pulled out of your fitful slumber by the headlights of a truck shining through the window, and the whir of an engine. 

You knew it was your husband. Rhett had gone out that night with Perry. He usually didn’t, preferring to spend the evening with you and your five-year-old daughter, Belle. But he’d been struggling as of late. His bad shoulder was bothering him. The one he’d injured countless times throughout the course of his rodeo career. And though he didn’t verbally express it, you knew the pain was nearly unbearable for him. He favored the shoulder often, and sometimes struggled to lift things. But he was too stubborn to ask for help, so he suffered in silence. 

When his pain grew to overwhelming magnitudes, he would pop some painkillers and nurse a beer or two, just to take the edge off. That was why you weren’t surprised that he’d gone out with Perry to their favorite bar.

He had slipped into your bedroom just as you were putting Belle to bed, kissing you both on the head and informing you that he’d be home later. 

“Be careful,” you told him. 

“I will. Luh’ you.”

Now he was standing in the middle of the kitchen, hands trembling with an anxiety he’d never known. He should have heeded your warning. Be careful. But it had all happened so fast. One moment he’d gone to bring the truck around, and the next, he was watching his brother standing over the lifeless body of Trevor Tillerson. 

Panic had seized him. What were they going to do? This was murder they were dealing with. Not some petty crime. Perry had finally let that blinding, unhinged temper possess him like a horrifying demon, and he’d killed someone. Snuffed out a life just like that. 

Rhett’s first reaction was to help his brother, as he always did. He couldn’t just leave him to deal with it by himself. But the moment he asked, “what do you want to do?” He should have known that it was going to change everything. There was no coming back from this. 

Foolishly, he thought it noble to protect his brother. But why on earth should he expect that same protection in return? Perry was so muddled in his own mind that he was going to drag everyone down with him. Even if it resulted in a young father being taken away from his family. 

Rhett considered this as he drove home with a body in the back of his truck, blood soaking the bed. His chest was tight, and his mind was spiraling. He had a wife and a child at home, for God’s sake. How could he be so foolish as to aid and abet his brother? 

And more importantly, how could he protect you from all of it? 

But he knew it was futile when saw you as he pulled the truck onto the Abbott property. You were at your bedroom window, peering out because the truck pulling in had awakened you. 

His stomach sank with dread as he pulled the Sierra into the barn. He knew it was only a matter of minutes before you came down to see what was going on. And how could he keep this a secret? You would find out, because he could never keep things from you. He told you everything, and couldn’t even attempt to lie to you, because you always knew when he was. And he had pledged to you on your wedding day that he would always be truthful to you. 

Even if that honesty threatened the very foundation of your lives. 

It took everything in him not to double over and retch once he jumped out of the truck. He focused on taking deep breaths as he walked around to the truck bed, terrified to look at the body of Trevor Tillerson, because that would make it all too real. 

“What are we gon’ do, man?” He asked his brother. “You got us into this mess. What the fuck are we supposed to do now?”

Perry’s eyes, soft and dark like a goddamned calf’s, blinked slowly at Rhett. The younger Abbott grunted in frustration and stepped forward to say something else to get a response out of Perry, but he stopped. 

The sound of footsteps made them both freeze. They shared a look of pure terror. Moments later, their father appeared in the doorway, idling there for a moment as he eyed his sons. Both boys held their breath as he approached, wondering what he’d say, what he’d do. 

His boots crunched against hay and rubble. One step. Two step. Three step. Then he reached the truck, and his face remained stoic as he took in the sight before him. 

Royal looked at the body, and then back up at his boys. His jaw tightened. His eyes were bleak. Then he took a deep breath, seemingly about to speak, when suddenly, a voice Rhett knew all too well called out into the cool night air. 

“What’s going on?”

Your husband’s eyes darted to you, standing in the doorway of the barn, and he looked like a deer caught in the headlights. But it was the raw terror in those sky blues of his that made your heart drop to your stomach. 

He stepped toward you, holding out his arm. “Baby, don’t—” 

But you were already rushing forward, wanting an answer to your question. Rhett caught you before you could look into the truck, his hands firmly holding your shoulders. “Stop,” he said, voice low, desperate. 

“Rhett, what—”

“Don’t want you seein’ it. It’s not for your eyes.” He was adamant. He didn’t want you to have to live with the sight of death. 

You grabbed his forearms, holding on tight. “Tell me what happened.” 

His chest heaved. He opened his mouth to speak, but Royal placed a hand on his shoulder. “In the house.”

Rhett simply clamped his mouth shut and nodded. His hand found your own, and he squeezed tight, though there was a tremor in his grip. The sickening buzz of anxiety hummed in your chest as you followed Royal back to the house, your hand still clasped in your husband’s. 

Someone was dead. You just knew it, that was the only thing you could think of that would result in this much upheaval. And the more you considered it, the more dread welled up within you. 

You had so many questions. Your mind was reeling. What did this mean for your family? Whatever was about to happen would change the trajectory of life as you knew it. And the entire walk to the house, all you could think of was your daughter, and how this would affect her. 

When you all made it to the house, you ended up in the kitchen. Rhett leaned back against the counter, eyes ahead, darkened with fear and anxiety. You stood beside him, body leaning into his. His breathing was rushed. In all the time you’d known him, you’d never seen him like this. He was always so steady, your anchor in a time of storm. 

Now he was the one in the midst of a storm. 

“Trevor Tillerson’s dead.” It was Perry who revealed the truth. “He…he made a comment about Rebecca, and I-I-I lost control. Next thing I knew he was on the ground, not breathin’.” 

You stared at him. Long and hard. Royal said something, but you couldn’t hear it over the rush of blood in your ears. This was all Perry’s fault? And he’d pulled your husband down into the miry clay alongside him? 

“Do you just have no thought for how your actions affect others?” You spoke up, tone dripping with venom. Heat was blossoming in your chest. The early signs of a rage that would not easily be contained. 

“It happened so fast,” he weakly defended. 

“I don’t care! You didn’t once stop to consider your daughter?! Or your brother? Or his child?!” Your voice was growing louder. 

“Alright, enough,” Royal interjected, holding a hand out toward you. “We’re not wakin’ the whole house over this.” He snatched the phone off the wall, seemingly ready to call the sheriff. 

Rhett sucked in a sharp breath as he watched his father pace. He was waiting for his signal, waiting to follow his lead. He had to know what to do. Right? 

“His brothers know?” Royal asked, voice tight. 

“No. They were trashed,” Rhett answered. “W-we thought, if we brought him back to his place, he’d have a better chance of—”

“Then why is he here, goddammit?!” His father hissed, jaw clenching. 

You waited with bated breath. There was no quick and easy way out of this situation. Your husband was likely going to jail, unless Royal pulled a magic solution out of his ass in the next few minutes. 

Then, suddenly, “alright, let’s fix this.” He slammed the phone back down onto the cradle, stepping over to Perry and tugging him out of his seat. 

Beside you, Rhett tensed.

“You’re not calling the sheriff?” Perry asked in disbelief. “Look, I fucked up, okay? Don’t make this your problem.”

“We dial that phone, both of you go to jail. Not just you! You get that, right?”

Your stomach turned at your father-in-law's words. He was right. Perry was going to drag himself and his brother down into a pit in which they would never be able to claw their way back up from. The thought filled you with a rage you couldn’t begin to describe. How could he have been so foolish? 

You didn’t even realize you were stepping toward him until Rhett gently caught your arm. He knew what you were about to do before you did. “Don’t.” Pleading. Serious. Your eyes locked with his, and you nodded, reeling yourself back in. 

Deep breaths. In and out. 

Your vision cleared as Royal moved on, instructing both boys to remove their bloodied shirts. “Me and your brother are gonna figure this out,” he said. “Go upstairs and to Amy.” Then he pointed at you. “You go back up to Belle.”

And then he was pulling Rhett after him, and you were stricken with an ice cold shock of fear, instinctually reaching out to grab your husband’s arm. 

He stopped, glancing back at you with an anguish you could not bear to look at. “We’ll figure it out. Go be with Belle.” He pressed his forehead to yours, only to pull away seconds later when Royal sharply whispered his name. 

You watched him grab a hoodie off the peg by the door, and then he stumbled out into the night, and your chest ached with an agony you had never felt before.

What did this mean for your family? Rhett was an accessory to murder. There was no way he would get off scot-free from this. This was going to turn your lives upside down. But above all, it was going to turn your young daughter’s life upside down. 

Perry’s footsteps were what tore your gaze away from Rhett’s retreating form. Your brother-in-law made his way toward the steps, but you caught his arm as he passed you. 

He wouldn’t make eye contact with you, and it sent scorching fire through you. “Look at me,” you hissed through gritted teeth. Your grip tightened on his bicep as his guilt-ridden eyes met yours. “Don’t you dare let my husband take the fall for this, Perry.”

“I-I won’t,” he responded. 

“Swear to me.”

“I swear.”

But whether or not he would make good on that promise remained to be seen. Letting out a breath, you released his arm, and let him ascend the creaky steps to the second floor. 

You closed your eyes, still reeling from what had taken place. How were you just expected to go back upstairs to your daughter when her father was in the process of disposing of a body? 

The thought sent a wave of nausea through you, and you shuddered, pushing the feeling aside. It was best that you went back upstairs before Belle woke up and realized you were gone. So up you went, slipping back into your bedroom, where your daughter still slept soundly. If only you could remain as undisturbed and peaceful as her. Something told you that there would be many sleepless nights ahead for you now. 

Out in the dark of the Wyoming night, Rhett dutifully followed his father, his mind racing as he pulled his hoodie over his naked torso. He had no idea what Royal had planned. He wasn’t even sure if it was a good idea to follow that plan.

“Look, there ain’t a clean way around this,” the Abbott patriarch explained, his walk determined. “Your brother’s been through enough. There’s not a chance in hell I’m lettin’ Amy lose her dad, too. You agree?”

But Rhett recoiled like he’d been slapped. “But what’s that mean for me? For my family? I’m just supposed to take the fall for his fuck-up, and my wife and daughter lose me?”

Royal stopped abruptly, gaze hard as he stepped into his son’s space. “Nobody’s losing anybody, alright?” He gritted, chest heaving. 

“So what are we gon’ do?” Rhett asked, voice wavering. His limbs burned from the anxiety coursing through him. Was he going to lose everything, because of one foolish decision? 

“C’mon,” Royal simply said. 

Inside the house, you’d just slipped into bed, when you saw another set of headlights shine through your window for a second time that night. 

Panic seized you, and you sat up, swinging your legs over the bed and padding over to the window. Your heart sank like a stone in your chest, the weight of dread pulling it down. 

It was the Tillersons. Luke and Billy jumped out of the truck, and you stumbled back from the window so they wouldn’t see you. Wordlessly, you hurried across the bedroom, but you didn’t even make it into the hall before the loud, incessant pounding of a fist on the front door made you freeze in your tracks. 

The pounding grew louder, and behind you, you heard a soft whimper come from your daughter, who’d been asleep in her bed, but was now awakened by the noise. 

“Mama?” She called out. 

Cursing under your breath, you turned on your heel, creeping back into the room. “It’s okay. Try to go back to sleep, okay? It’s just someone here to talk to Uncle Perry.” You soothed her by running your hand over the top of her head. The pounding made you both jump again. Her fearful eyes met yours in the dark. “I want you to stay here. Don’t come out of this bedroom until either me or Daddy comes in. Understand?”

“Okay,” she whispered. 

You kissed her forehead and then you slipped away, closing the door behind you. When you made it to the steps, you caught sight of Perry creeping toward the door. 

His hesitation filled you with an anger you could barely contain. You were quick to scramble down the steps, light on your feet. “Answer it, or I will,” you spoke out. 

“What the hell do I say to ‘em?” He hissed, eyes slightly wild. 

You threw your hands up. “I don’t know! This is your mess! Get yourself out of it!”

As he moved to answer the door, you slipped into the kitchen, gazing out into the night, your heart thudding erratically against your chest. You searched for any sign of Rhett, hoping he was out of sight. There was no telling what would happen if the Tillersons got ahold of him. 

But then your ears tuned into what Perry was saying to Luke and Billy, and your eyes moved from the window to the door. You couldn’t see the boys, but you could see your brother-in-law, leaning against the door. His hand was against the opposite wall, fingers flipping the light switch that controlled the barn lights. S.O.S. 

“Where’s Rhett?” 

Your chest tightened at the mention of your husband’s name. You waited for Perry’s reply, and for a terrifying second, you were certain he was going to throw his brother to the wolves. And essentially, he did. 

“I don’t know.”

Your eyes went wide, and you almost lurched forward to intervene, but you thought better of it. It might cause the situation to escalate. But if Perry didn’t protect his brother like he was supposed to, you were going to have no choice but to step in. 

But then you saw a shadow out of the corner of your eye. And when you looked back out the window, you spotted Rhett, creeping low in the darkness, quick on his feet as he made a beeline for the back door, out of sight of the Tillerson boys. 

Acting instantaneously, you quietly rushed to the door, reaching it just as Rhett crept onto the porch. He caught your eye through the screen, and you held your hand up, signaling him to wait. The door had loud, squeaky hinges that would surely alert the men that someone was coming into the house. 

So Rhett waited. Both of you did, unmoving, as you listened to the exchange. Then, suddenly, they were storming off the porch, and Perry was running after them, lying right through his teeth as he tried desperately to keep them away from the barn. 

You took that as the opportunity to pull Rhett into the house, right into the shadows. His breathing was rushed, his chest heaving. When you took his hands in your own, they were trembling. 

“Shh,” you soothed, leaning into him, crowding his space. He needed to calm down before you even attempted to ask him any questions. 

His eyes drifted shut, and he focused on the feeling of your body pressed into his, grounding him. When he opened his eyes again, he found you still looking at him. 

“I’m sorry,” he whispered, voice hoarse. “We shouldn’t have brought this mess home. I…I didn’t know what else to do. Perry wouldn’t fuckin’ tell me anything. Just sat there staring straight ahead. So I panicked.”

“No, you shouldn’t have been in this situation in the first place. But what’s done is done. What is your dad going to do?”

“He said he’d take care of the body. I don’t know what he meant by it. He took off with his horse toward the west pasture. Told me to go back inside.”

“So Luke and Billy won’t find anything?”

“I don’t think so, no.”

“Not unless your brother fucks up and opens his mouth when he shouldn’t,” you hissed through your teeth, shaking your head. “How could he do this to us? To you? Doesn’t he realize what’s at stake?” 

“He wasn’t thinking,” Rhett tried to reason. But even he knew it was futile. 

“He’s never thinking!” Came your bitter, whispered exclamation. “He’s out of control. And I’m not going to let his stupidity tear my family apart.”

Your husband locked eyes with you, and even in the darkness, you could see how deeply this had shaken him. But there was also a burning determination in that cool blue. “I’m not going to let anythin’ happen to us, you hear me? No matter how bad this gets, none of it will touch Belle. I’ll protect that baby with everything in me.”

You knew he would. He was fiercely protective of his child. Not only for the fact that she was his flesh and blood, but also for all you’d gone through to have her in your lives. Her birth had not been an easy one, and you’d nearly lost her as a newborn. Five years later, she was healthy and happy as could be. But she was also your only child, because that was all your body could take. And you’d be damned if you let her be sullied by the mess her uncle had just plunged all of you into. 

If Rhett swore to keep that child safe, he would make good on that oath. Even if it cost him his life in the process. 

“I know you will, Rhett. I know,” you assured him. 

He sighed, pulling you close, his large hands cupping your face. “I’m so fuckin’ terrified, baby.”

“Me too,” came your trembling reply. It felt as if you’d just been thrust into the frontlines of battle, completely exposed with no weapon or armor to protect yourself. 

“I’m gon’ follow my dad’s lead on this,” he informed you, “if we do what he says then maybe we’ll be okay.”

You lifted your hands, placing them against his chest, above his racing heart. “If that’s what you think is best, then I’ll stand by you. But I’m telling you right now, if your brother so much as thinks about letting you take the fall for this, so help me God I will fight tooth and nail to take him down.” 

Rhett simply nodded, because he knew you meant what you said. He knew that you only remained civil with his brother so as not to cause a rift in his family. Sometimes it was better to remain silent, even if it pained you to do so. You had no desire to cause strife, because you knew it would negatively affect your daughter. And part of you feared that if you pushed Perry enough, he might snap altogether and forbid Amy from playing with her cousin. You couldn’t do that to your precious girls. They were inseparable, and forcing them apart because you couldn’t remain civil with your brother-in-law was the last thing you wanted to do. 

So you held your tongue. But over the last six years of your marriage, you had watched this family wear your husband down. You knew that it was only a matter of time before you decided that enough was enough. In fact, you already would’ve uprooted your family and moved elsewhere, had it not been for your financial situation. 

You were doing what you could to put money into savings, but it had not been easy. You’d had your eye on a quaint little house not far from the Abbott property, but someone had outbid you, and ever since then, you had been unsuccessful in finding another place you could afford. So, in your in-law’s house, you lived, in Rhett’s old bedroom. 

Your daughter slept in a little bed in the corner of your room. The situation was less than ideal, but it was all you had. Now, however, you thought living in a cardboard box might have been a better option than staying under this roof, where your entire family had just been put in danger. 

Now here you were, shaking with fear and rage in your husband’s arms, wondering how you were going to get through this. Nothing would ever be okay again, you sensed. 

Your private moment in the darkness of the kitchen was interrupted when Perry came back inside. Rhett kept you from blowing up at him with a gentle hand pressed against the back of your neck. A wordless plea to wait. 

But it was only a matter of time before you let that rage bubble to the surface. 

Until then, there were bigger fish to fry. Like the fact that Cecelia had just come downstairs to see what the commotion was. Her boys shared a look, and she let out a huff when they didn’t immediately respond, a hand on her hip. 

“Well? Out with it! What kinda trouble did’ya get yourselves into?”

And that’s how you all found yourselves seated around the kitchen table as rain poured from the sky in buckets outside. Royal had not yet returned from his supposed disposal of Trevor’s body. The wee morning hours had given in to a gray dawn, one that appeared as bleak as the situation you were currently in. 

Cecelia had put a pot of coffee on to brew. Rhett had poured you a cup, made just the way you liked it. You couldn’t stomach a single drink of it, however. You were too anxious to do much of anything. 

The minutes ticked by. You looked at the clock on the wall and you finally decided that if your father-in-law didn’t return within the next ten minutes, you were excusing yourself from the table and going upstairs to get your daughter ready for school, because someone at least had to keep a sense of normalcy in the household. 

But suddenly, the back door flew open, and in walked Royal. Disheveled. Bloody. His shirt mysteriously missing. All four of you stared at him as he stood there in the middle of the entryway. Just when you thought he wasn’t going to say anything, he finally moved forward. 

“Gonna put on a shirt.” And then he was gone. 

You glanced at Rhett. He truly thought it was a good idea to trust his father? You weren’t sure if it was a good idea, only because Royal had been a little…disheveled, as of late. Would he be able to hold it together long enough to see his sons safely through this?

When he returned to the table, wearing clean, dry clothes, you all looked to him in silence, desperate for guidance. Rhett grabbed your hand under the table and squeezed. You squeezed right back. 

The silence drew out for a long time. Too long. Then, Cecelia spoke. 

“What happened to your leg?” She asked, acknowledging the blood, and the limp Royal had sported when walking into the house. 

“Don’t worry about that,” he answered. 

“You’re bleeding,” Rhett added, leaning forward in his seat. 

“I’m fine,” his father insisted. 

“Alright then. Where’s the body?” Perry asked. 

Your gaze snapped to him. Before you could even say a word, Rhett was speaking. “Don’t tell me that. I don’t wanna know that. If this all goes to shit, it’s on me too, pal,” he muttered. 

You tensed beside him. 

“If it does come to that, I’m taking all the blame,” Perry responded. How noble of him. 

“Perry, stop,” Cece firmly interjected, her gaze hard. “We’re all in this.”

“We wouldn’t be if it weren’t for him,” you snapped, tired of remaining silent beside your husband. 

“Can’t change what’s already been done,” your mother-in-law said. “You and I both know that.” Then she looked at her husband. “Royal, look. You tell us everything you think we need to know.”

That prompted a heated discussion in which everyone tried to speak over one another. Demanding answers. Trying to get something out of Royal, who refused to share any more details than necessary. 

It was Rhett who was finally the voice of reason. “If you’re askin’ us to go all in on this, then we gotta be on the same page. I have a family to think about, Dad. I need to know I can keep them safe from all this.”

Royal opened his mouth to reply, but all of the sudden, Amy’s voice startled all of you as she strolled into the kitchen in search of breakfast. “What are you guys talking about?”

You looked at Rhett, and he at you. 

“Amy, can you give us a minute?” Perry asked, voice wavering. 

“I have to eat breakfast before I go to school,” she answered matter-of-factly. 

Her statement prompted you to glance at the clock again, and you abruptly stood from your chair. Your brother-in-law looked at you, brow furrowed. 

“Where are you goin’?” Came his demand.

“To get my child ready for school,” you simply replied, tone sharp as you rose to your feet. 

And just like that, the tense family meeting was adjourned. You walked out of that kitchen, and as the silence met your ears, you found yourself stopping in your tracks at the foot of the steps, anxiety tightening in your chest like a boa constrictor. 

You clamped your hand over your mouth and squeezed your eyes shut, suddenly so overwhelmed you couldn’t take another step. 

How on earth were you going to get through this? You didn’t see how there could possibly be any light at the end of the tunnel. 

But life had to go on. You had a child to care for. So you threw yourself into being her mother, because it was the only thing that kept you from falling apart completely. 

You forced yourself to trudge up the stairs and to your bedroom, where you found Belle already awake, getting into her school clothes. 

“G’morning, baby girl,” you greeted her. “Sorry I wasn’t in here to wake you up.”

She beamed sleepily at you. “It’s okay, Mama. I got up all by myself without you waking me up!” She was very proud of her accomplishment. 

You stepped forward and reached out to cup her little cheek before you leaned down to kiss her head. “Getting to be such a big girl. You finish getting ready. I’ll get your breakfast. Would you like Cheerios?”

She nodded vigorously. “With bananas?” Came her hopeful question.

“Of course. I’ll go get it ready.” As you turned to leave, you took pause to offer her one more instruction. “Don’t forget to brush your teeth. I’ll fix your hair when you come downstairs.”

“Okay Mama,” she happily replied. 

Your heart warmed at her sweetness. That was your girl. She was as easygoing as the day was long. After your initial scare of almost losing her when she was born, you found that she was an incredibly easy baby. She didn’t cry very often. She was always happy. She usually slept through the night. You remembered thinking something had to give. That there was no way a baby could be this low maintenance. 

But she was. And as she grew, her pleasant disposition grew with her. She was so eager to please, and her joy was contagious. That wasn’t to say she was perfect, because she wasn’t, but it was to say that you or your husband couldn’t quite take credit for how good she was. It was simply how she was born. 

She was your pride and joy. And as you walked away from the bedroom, leaving her to get dressed, an intense ache blossomed in your chest. Would the peaceful childhood she’d always known be ripped away from her? 

The thought weighed heavily on your mind as you descended the squeaky old steps, your body on autopilot as you headed back to the kitchen. 

You looked up to find your husband leaning against the counter, his back toward you as he gazed out into the stormy morning. The kitchen was quiet now. Everyone had gone their separate ways, leaving you and Rhett the only souls in the room. 

“Belle awake?” He asked, having heard your footfalls. 

“Yeah,” you replied, already moving to grab the box of generic oat cereal from the cabinet. 

“She know anything about last night?” 

“She woke up when the Tillersons tried to bust the damn door down. But I think she went right back to sleep after that.”

“Good,” he mused with a nod. He turned to watch as you prepared your daughter’s breakfast. A sad, wistful look clouded his eyes. The bitter taste of regret filled his mouth. If only he hadn’t decided to go out with his brother. If only he wasn’t such a coward, turning to alcohol to numb the physical pain he was in. If only he’d decided to just grit his teeth and bear it, and slip into bed beside you the night before, where he belonged. 

But it was too late to go back now. His bed had been made, but not of his own design. Perry had turned down the covers and dragged him under. Now Rhett had no choice but to reap the consequences of another man’s foolish decision. 

His reverie was interrupted by the sound of little feet running down the stairs. He lifted his head just in time to see Belle scurrying into the kitchen, smiling widely up at her father.

“Morning, Daddy!” She exclaimed, rushing toward him. 

Rhett knelt low, opening his arms and allowing her to throw herself into them. “Mornin’, little chick.” He held her tightly to his chest, squeezing his eyes shut and relishing in the precious moment. 

“You’re gonna squish me!” She squealed, giggling wildly. 

He hummed, releasing her from his hold. “Sorry, I just missed ya after you were asleep all night.”

She smiled, lifting her little hands to hold his scruffy cheeks. “I miss you too when I go to sleep.” 

“Alright, c’mon, baby girl. Let’s get some breakfast in you before we end up being late to school.” You got her settled with her bowl of cereal and banana, and as she ate, Rhett sat at the table with her to keep her company. 

You could see the pain in his eyes. He was cherishing every last normal moment he could with her, should everything come crashing down. 

But all too soon, the quiet morning had to come to an end. Rhett glanced at the clock and sighed lowly. “Alright, little chick. It's time we mosey on outta here and get you to school.”

While Belle ran to grab her backpack and coat, Rhett was quick to retrieve his hat off the peg on the wall. He caught you watching him, and he stepped toward you, leaning down to kiss you deeply. 

When you parted, he spoke. “Anyone knocks on the door while I’m gone, don’t answer it.” He kept his voice low so only you could hear. 

“Okay,” you replied, intending to follow his instructions. You were going to be alone in the house for a little while that morning. The thought of having to deal with the Tillersons all by yourself, or worse, the sheriff, was enough to have you wishing you could burrow under your covers and hide forever. 

But that seemed to be what Rhett had in mind. “I know you probably won’t be able to sleep, but try to get some rest. I know ya need it after being kept up all night.” 

You tried. You really did. After Rhett left to take Belle to school, you climbed back into bed and hid yourself from the harsh world outside of the four walls that surrounded you. 

But sleep would not come. Anxiety crept in, and you felt like you were suspended in a pit, invisible fingers clawing at you, ripping your clothing to shreds, pulling at your hair, slicing into your flesh. It was overwhelming, all-consuming, paralyzing. 

It forced you to jump out of bed and busy yourself elsewhere. If only you’d been scheduled at work that day. It might’ve proved to be a better distraction than sitting in an empty house, staring at the clock, waiting for the minutes to tick by until your husband returned. 

It was agonizing. And it went on like that for the next few days. But Royal had instructed everyone to continue on like things were business as usual. You tried your best, but it all weighed heavily on you. The only thing keeping you together was that precious little girl of yours. 

You were adamant about keeping up your normal routine for her. Wake up for school. Breakfast. Out the door, seated in the truck, right between her mama and daddy as he drove you to work and her to school. 

But it wasn’t long before the walls started closing in. Everything came to a screeching, grinding halt when Amy was out hiking on the property and proceeded to stumble upon Trevor Tillerson’s body.

You weren’t home when it happened. It was Saturday, which was the day you always went into town with Rhett and Belle to get breakfast at the quaint little Wabang Diner. Neither of you were in the mood to be upbeat and pretend like everything was fine, but you forced a smile onto your faces and treated it like any ther Saturday so Belle wouldn’t suspect anything. 

Halfway through your breakfast, Rhett’s phone began to vibrate in his pocket. He paused, not one to check his phone during a meal, but pulled it out anyway, just to see who it was. His brows pinched together, and he caught your questioning gaze.

“Perry,” was all he said. 

The bell above the diner door jangled. Your attention shifted to the front of the diner, and your blood ran cold. Rhett saw the look that passed over your face, and he discreetly turned, following your line of sight until he, too, saw who you were looking at.

Deputy Matt was making a beeline toward your table. Your heart quickened in your chest, and you fought to keep your expression neutral. Belle had suddenly started patting your arm, trying to get you to look at the picture she’d drawn with crayon on the paper placemat in front of her. You hardly acknowledged her, too fearful of what was about to happen. 

Matt’s shadow darkened the table, and you and Rhett both looked up at him. Rhett immediately stood up, his back turned to you, in an attempt to keep the attention on him and not you or Belle. 

“Mornin’, Rhett,” Matt greeted, then nodded at you and your daughter. “Mrs. Abbott. Belle.”

“What can I do for ya?” Rhett asked. His shoulders had gone tense. 

“I have a few questions regardin’ Trevor Tillerson, if ya don’t mind.”

Rhett nodded once, and attempted to lead Matt further from the table. Beside you, Belle had forgotten all about her picture. “Why is Deputy Matt talking to Daddy, Mama?” She asked.

“I…I don’t know, baby. Stay right here, okay?” You made sure Belle stayed put before you stood, stepping toward your husband. 

“Where did you go after the fight with Trevor?” Matt was in the process of asking.

Your breath caught in your throat. They knew something. New evidence had come into play. That had to be what it was. Rhett’s phone vibrated in his pocket, and he reached for it, realizing what was happening. You were at his side then, eyeing Matt.

“Rhett, don’t answer that phone,” the deputy warned, holding out a hand. 

People around you had started to quiet down, intrigued by the situation, and you felt all eyes on you as you stood in the middle of that diner. Rhett was frozen, opening and closing his mouth, his mind at a loss for an answer. You had to step in, and fast.

“He was with me,” you spoke up.

Matt glanced at you, confusion creasing his brow. “Amy said he wasn’t home that night.”

She had? Fuck. Either way, you stuck to your guns. “That’s because the two of us snuck off.” 

“...to do what?” 

You raised a brow. “Are you sure you want to know the answer to that?”

Matt narrowed his eyes. “Yes, I do, because it’s pertinent to this case.”

“We were fucking in the barn, Matt. That what you wanted to hear?”

Rhett’s eyes went wide, and you saw his head snap toward you out of the corner of your eye. Matt sputtered, looking to your husband. “Okay, um, is that true then, Rhett?”

Rhett ran his tongue over his teeth, nodding his head. “Yeah. It’s true.”

The deputy let out a sigh. “Alright then. That’s all I needed.”

And then he was gone, leaving you to hurriedly pull Rhett back to your table so everyone would stop staring. You’d surely be the gossip of the entire town, but your family was already under scrutiny as it was, so it really didn’t matter.

“You couldn’t have come up with something a little more creative?” Rhett whispered in your ear.

“I panicked,” you hissed back. “Besides, you weren’t doing anything to help yourself.”

To your relief, it seemed that Belle hadn’t heard any of what you had said. But you were still jarred from the encounter. It made you realize just how serious this situation really was. Your husband was now a prime suspect in a murder he didn’t even commit. And in your heart, you knew that if it came down to it, you would reveal your brother-in-law’s guilt to protect Rhett. You weren’t letting him go down for this.

But that encounter in the diner was just the tip of the iceberg. After that, everything began to spiral out of control. The pressure was building, building, and building, like a whistling teakettle that was about to blow its top and send scalding water everywhere.

Everyone began pointing fingers at your family. Namely your husband. As everything came to a head, he was brought in for questioning. So were you. And so was Perry. You remained stoic as you answered Joy’s questions. You refused to give anything away that wasn’t your carefully rehearsed story, an alibi for Rhett.

Maybe it was foolish of you. Maybe it was the most idiotic thing you’d ever done. But the entire time, all that was going through your mind was your daughter. The child you’d carried in your womb for months. The child you had almost lost. And you knew, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that you had to protect her. 

They say a mother’s love knows no bounds. But they don’t always tell you the harrowing lengths that love will have you willing to go to. If it came down to it, you would sacrifice yourself just to see to it that she was protected, that she was safe, that this never touched her. You would rip your own heart out of your body for her. You would die for her.

Rhett was just as determined to protect her, to keep his family together. His story matched yours, and he maintained his innocence. But it was Perry who nearly fucked it all up. He couldn’t keep it together when faced with a barrage of questions from the sheriff. 

He cast the blame on Rhett. Said he wasn’t actually with you. That he didn’t know where his brother had gone the night Trevor was killed. He froze up, and in a moment of desperation, tried to make himself look like the innocent party. 

“Perry says Rhett wasn’t actually with you that night,” Joy informed you. “Do you know why he would say that?”

Your eyes snapped to hers. “I have no idea why he would say that. He’s lying.”

“Are you sure about that? There are a lot of things that don’t add up here, Mrs. Abbott.”

You held her gaze, your heart pounding within your chest, rage swelling in you. You couldn’t let this happen. Couldn’t let Rhett go down for his brother’s wrongdoing. It was on the tip of your tongue. The confession that would change everything. Perry did it. Perry killed Trevor and tried to blame Rhett.

But before the words could even leave your mouth, the front door of the station slammed open, and in walked Royal with the family lawyer in tow. And then it was over. You were free to go. 

Your body trembled as you walked out of that room. You refused to look at Perry as you did so, because you knew you would lunge for him. Rhett grabbed for you, his hand closing around your arm. He was shaking, too. 

But you said nothing to each other as you walked out into the night. Your breathing quickened. Your chest went tight. There it was again. That pressure. Building. And building. And building. 

And then, Perry said something. You didn’t hear what it was over the blood rushing in your ears, but it set you off nonetheless. Your head snapped up, and you let out a guttural wail, yanking out of your husband’s grasp. 

“How DARE you?!” You cried, and before anyone even realized what was happening, you’d slapped him right across the face. 

Rhett caught you, pulling you back against his chest. Royal stepped between you and Perry, hissing something about keeping it down, and not drawing attention. 

You didn’t care. You couldn’t do this anymore. You couldn’t lose your husband. You couldn’t let your daughter’s father be taken from her. 

“Stop,” Rhett pleaded as you fought against him. He’d pulled you off to the side. You were sobbing. Clawing at his shirt. Begging him to let you go. “Stop!” Finally, it was his gruff tone that silenced you. 

His hands were clutching your arms. His eyes, blue as the Wyoming sky, were pleading. “Not here! Not in front of the fuckin’ police station!” He hissed at you. 

You looked at him, finally, as your tunnel vision cleared. Then you blinked. Once. Twice. And suddenly, you were crumpling into a fit of sobs. “He can’t do that! He can’t betray you like this!”

Rhett was vibrating. He was as angry and hurt as you. It took everything in him to hold it together. He was reeling, unsure of why Perry would so easily let him take the fall for this. But this wasn’t the time or place to go off the rails. 

“I know, baby. I know. We’ll figure it out, alright? Just not here. Let’s go home. Let’s go home to our baby.”

The mention of your daughter brought you back to yourself. He was right. It was nearly her bedtime. She was with her grandmother, but she would be expecting you to tuck her into bed, not Grandma. 

“Okay,” you whispered, relenting. “Okay.”

You let him guide you toward the truck, and as he did, you didn’t miss the way your father-in-law was berating Perry for shifting the blame onto Rhett. “Don’t you dare let him take the fall for this,” he snapped. 

But he was already letting it happen. 

The next few days were difficult, to say the least. It felt like a spool of thread was being unraveled, faster and faster and faster. And there was nothing you could do to stop it. 

Rhett was a mess. He was trying his best to keep it together for you and Belle, but he was struggling. Cecelia was on the verge of falling apart. Royal seemed to be slipping. And Perry? It appeared that he was succumbing to whatever madness lurked in the corners of his mind. 

Your family was falling apart at the seams. And although you’d fought tooth and nail to keep Belle out of it, you knew she sensed something was terribly wrong. There was no way she couldn’t. 

It had begun to manifest in her as a form of separation anxiety. Now, whenever you or Rhett had to leave her, she would begin to cry, pleading to go with you. You weren’t quite sure exactly what had triggered this anxiety in her, but when you gently asked her why she was so afraid to be apart from her parents, she told you that she didn’t know. That she was just scared. That she felt like something bad was going to happen. 

You realized it was likely because she could sense the distress in all the adults around her. Her grandparents were distant. Her uncle was unstable. Her parents were scared. And to a little five-year-old girl, it all seemed so terrifying. 

She’d started having a difficult time in school. She couldn’t focus. She wouldn’t participate during recess, opting to sit beside her teacher the entire time, too unnerved to play with the other kids. Your usually bubbly child had been reduced to a timid, fearful mess. 

It made you want to kill Perry with your bare hands. It got to the point where you could not stand to be in the same room as him. So you avoided him as best as you could. And the entire time, you were at war with yourself, considering putting an end to all of it. You were so tempted to march into Sheriff Joy’s office and tell her everything. 

But you never got the chance. Because the Abbott family wasn’t the only family coming apart at the seams. Perry wasn’t the only older brother on the verge of insanity. 

Luke Tillerson had begun spiraling out of control the moment his brother died. And he was only getting worse. You hadn’t personally encountered him, but you’d heard that he was coming unglued. He firmly believed that Rhett had killed Trevor. And unbeknownst to you, he was on a mission to prove that. 

His obsession with proving Rhett’s guilt gave way to something much more sinister. Finally, it all came to a head one night when he decided he was going to take justice into his own hands. If the sheriff wasn’t competent enough to take care of things, he’d just have to do it himself. 

So, fueled by alcohol, and unhinged rage, Luke decided to target that which was most precious to Rhett Abbott. 

You’d decided to go into town that evening. You couldn’t bear to be under the same roof as Perry, and it was clear that Belle and Amy both needed a change of scenery. So you and Rhett decided to take the girls into Wabang for dinner. If only for an hour or two, you could pretend that life was as it should be, and not about to shatter into a million pieces. 

At the prospect of going out with her parents and cousin, Belle was overjoyed. It was the first time she seemed like her old self in a while, and you cherished every moment of it. 

You went to the diner in town, like you always did. Belle and Amy sat across from you and Rhett, talking and giggling and coloring pictures on their placemats. 

Surely people were whispering about you, but you didn’t care anymore. Neither did Rhett. With the walls closing in, all you wanted was to enjoy one last night of domesticity with your daughter. 

And enjoy it, you did. In fact, it was the best night you’d had ever since the whole mess started. You held your husband’s hand under the table like you did when you were first dating. You watched your daughter laugh with her cousin and your chest ached with love. For a fleeting moment in time, you felt okay. 

But it all came crashing down when you left the diner that night. 

As you strolled out into the evening air, nothing seemed out of the ordinary. You headed right for Rhett’s truck, Amy and Belle holding your hands as you walked. 

But when you reached the vehicle, Rhett stopped, suddenly patting at his pockets. You gave him a questioning look. “What is it?”

With the roll of his eyes, he shook his head. “Think I left my wallet inside.” Then he tossed you the keys so you could start the truck. “Be right back.”

Thinking nothing of it, you turned to continue leading the girls to the truck. 

“I hope nobody stole Daddy’s wallet,” Belle announced, concern in her voice. 

“I’m sure he just left it on the counter,” you assured her, squeezing her shoulder. 

“Yeah, don’t worry, Belle,” Amy echoed, always happy to comfort her cousin. 

You smiled at her efforts, finding it perfectly sweet of her to look out for your daughter the way she did. But that fond smile soon gave way to a frown when you were alerted to another presence nearby. 

You heard a man’s voice behind you, just as you made it to the truck. 

“Look who it is.”

The voice made you stop dead in your tracks, and a chill of dread began to creep down your spine. Slowly, you turned around, only to find Luke Tillerson approaching you. 

He looked worse for wear. You were used to his clean-cut appearance and neatly styled hair. But now, fair blonde stubble lined his jaw. His normally clear eyes were bloodshot. And he appeared to have been drinking. So this was what everyone meant when they said he was on a downward spiral. 

Immediately, you pushed your daughter and niece behind you. “Can I help you, Luke?” You asked, tone sharp. 

Luke hummed. “Yeah. Where’s that man of yours?” 

“Across the street. Why?” 

“I wanna talk to him.”

“Well you’ll have to wait ‘til he comes outside.”

He narrowed his eyes at you, but soon grew distracted at the sight of the two girls behind you. “Hey you two,” he greeted. 

“Hi, Mr. Luke,” Amy responded. 

“Girls, get in the truck,” you spoke up, voice clear and authoritative. You had a sinking feeling that something was about to happen. And you didn’t want the children to witness it. 

Luke locked eyes with you. “Why? You afraid I’m gonna tell them the truth?”

“Get in the truck. Now,” you desperately repeated when they made no move to do so. 

The girls scrambled for the door, scampering up into the truck at your command. But Luke continued, even as they climbed inside. 

“You afraid I’m going to tell little Belle here all about her father being a goddamn murderer?” 

“That’s enough!” You cried, whirling around to face him. Rhett wasn’t a murderer. You wouldn’t stand for such an accusation. 

But he was already out of control. He surged forward, and you took a fearful step back. “Is it?” Then, he leaned in closer. “Your daughter deserves to know the truth! That her daddy killed a man!” He shouted it right at the truck window, where the girls were huddled. 

“Leave us alone!” Came your plea. You were trembling, vibrating with adrenaline and fear all at once. 

At that very moment, Rhett stepped back out of the diner, having found his wallet and tucked it back into the pocket of his jeans. But the sound of raised voices caught his attention. 

His head snapped up, eyes traveling across the street, where the truck was parked. His breathing quickened, heart thudding against his chest. It was not the sound of raised voices that jarred him. It was the sound of your voice, laced with distress. It made the hair at the back of his neck stand on end.

Without a moment of hesitation, he was walking, boots crunching against gravel as he crossed the street, quick as a flash. He couldn’t see you from this vantage point. You were hidden by the other side of the truck. But he knew someone else was with you. 

His feet broke into a run, driving him to your aid. Whoever was bothering you had picked the wrong fucking time to do so. Rhett was seconds away from knocking their teeth out.

When he rounded the truck, he came face to face with Luke Tillerson. You gasped at your husband’s sudden appearance, feeling relief and fear all at once. You knew he’d take care of the problem, but you were afraid of the outcome. 

“What’s goin’ on?” Rhett asked. There was a barely checked edge to his tone. His chest heaved. His eyes darkened. 

“Just the man I wanted to see!” Luke slurred. 

“You bothering my family, Tillerson? Because that’s what it looks like.” 

Luke shrugged, taking a swaying step toward Rhett and pointing over at you. “I was just telling your wife here that your daughter deserves to know the truth about her daddy.”

Rhett’s hands twitched at his sides. His body had gone stiff as a board. “Leave her out of this. She doesn’t know anything.” Rage bubbled beneath the surface. 

You watched him like a hawk, just waiting for his signal. If Luke pushed him any further, it wasn’t going to be pretty. You didn’t want this to escalate, but it seemed unavoidable. 

Rhett moved to step away from the truck, hoping to lead Luke away from his family should anything happen. 

“Lying to your own kid, huh? Wonder what she’ll think of you when she grows up and learns what you did.” 

Just as Rhett was hoping, Luke followed him. “You’re drunk. Go home.”

Luke scoffed. “‘m not that drunk, Abbott. You’re just trying to get me off your trail.”

“You’re scarin’ my girls. So I’m gonna tell you again, go home.”

“No.” Then, the blonde lurched forward, arms shooting out to shove at Rhett. 

Your husband’s eyes locked with yours for the briefest of moments. “Get in the truck,” he gruffed. 

You didn’t stick around to argue. Quickly, you climbed into the passenger side, slamming the door shut firmly behind you. 

“Mama,” Belle whimpered from the backseat. 

You turned around, meeting her tearful gaze as you reached your hand out to touch her cheek. “It’s okay, honey. I want you and Amy to get down on the floor, alright?” You didn’t want them to witness the fight that was sure to ensue. 

Both girls crouched down against the floorboards of the truck, and you turned back around, your eyes fixed on the altercation taking place. 

Rhett wasn’t usually one to start fights, but he could finish them. He’d calmed down considerably since your daughter had come into the world, but that didn’t mean he wouldn’t defend himself, and his family, when it came down to it. 

While the girls hunkered down in the backseat, you watched through the window, anxiety thrumming in your chest. The two men were talking in raised voices, growing more and more agitated with each passing second. 

Luke shoved him again, and that was it for Rhett. “Told you not to put your fuckin’ hands on me,” he hissed. He lunged right for the second eldest Tillerson, landing a solid punch to his jaw. 

But Luke could hold his own. He merely stumbled slightly, and then came right back at Rhett. But the right hook he aimed for him was blocked, avoiding its sure blow to Rhett’s face. 

The scuffle escalated, and you clutched the door handle, prepared to step out there if necessary. To do what, you weren’t quite sure. You knew there was no reasoning with either of them in this moment. If you tried to insert yourself between them, you would get hurt. 

Rhett was sober and could hold his own, while Luke was drunk, leaving him less coordinated than usual. You were pretty certain your husband would be the one to end this fight. 

But then you saw it. A glint of silver in the light of the street lamp, and it was as if your entire world had stopped turning on its axis. 

In what seemed like slow motion, Luke surged forward, a hunting knife clutched in his hand. Driven by your need to protect your husband, you cried out, “no matter what, you stay on this floor, and you do not get up!” to the girls. 

Then, you were jumping out of the truck, dashing around to the back, where you knew Rhett kept a tire iron. Hoisting yourself up, ignoring the pain that flashed through your ribs as you slammed against the edge of the truck bed in your haste, you grabbed the large tool and took off running. 

But you were too late. 

Just as you neared the two men, you watched in horror as Luke found a weakness in Rhett, and took advantage of his moment of vulnerability, plunging that knife right into the front of his body. 

Rhett breathed out a strangled grunt as searing pain flashed through his midsection. His eyes flickered down to the knife embedded in his body, then back up to Luke. He knew this was it. He was going to die, and there was nothing he could do to stop it. 

“Tell my brother I said hi,” Luke rasped, trembling with his rage, fully intending to yank that knife away and sink it into Rhett’s heart. But all of the sudden, a brutal, blood-curdling scream ripped through the night air.

“NO!” And then, a resounding, sickening CRACK! Within seconds, Luke Tillerson was on the ground, out cold. 

His knife clattered to the cement, and along with it, Rhett stumbled back, letting out a pained growl, similar to the wail of a wounded animal. Instinctively, his hand came up, pressing over the wound as crimson soaked through his shirt. Shit. There was a lot of blood. More than there should’ve been. 

He locked eyes with you. Then, he stumbled forward, already woozy on his feet. 

You dropped the tire iron with a loud, metallic clash, scrambling to Rhett’s side as he careened forward. “H-he stabbed me,” he gasped in shock. He pulled his hand back to stare at the blood that had stained his skin. “He fuckin’ stabbed me.”

“Let’s get to the truck,” you said, your voice wavering. It took everything in you to keep your panic at bay. 

It proved to be a difficult task with all his weight leaning on you, but somehow, you managed to get him to the vehicle. He leaned against the side as you opened the door, and when you turned to help him into the truck, you realized how pale he’d gotten in just that short amount of time.

Your heart hammered wildly in your chest, and you began to shake as terror ripped through your body. The hospital was an hour away from where you were. How on earth were you going to get him there in time? The amount of blood he was losing was alarming. Surely he would bleed out before you could get him help.

Inside the truck, you could hear the girls crying. Belle was inconsolable as she watched her father struggle to climb up into the seat. 

“Daddy!” She shrieked, frightened out of her mind. 

If you hadn’t been entirely focused on getting your husband into the truck, you would’ve mourned the fact that your daughter had to witness this. But now was not the time. You had to get help. Had to save him. 

You yanked your jacket off, lifting up his shirt before you pressed the coat to his abdomen. “Hold this tightly in place,” you instructed him, placing his hand over it. Then you slammed the door shut and sprinted around the truck, hopping into the driver’s side and starting the engine.

As you gunned it down the road, all you could hear were your daughter’s terrified wails, and Amy tearfully asking you if her uncle was going to be okay. I don’t know. I don’t know, I don’t know, I don’t know.

Beside you, Rhett was focused on holding the fabric of your jacket over his wound. He squeezed his eyes shut, tears spilling from the corners at the sound of his baby crying. There was nothing he could do to stop it. He’d fought so hard to protect her, and now here he was, bleeding out in front of her, effectively traumatizing her. 

“I’m sorry,” he whimpered, “I’m sorry!” 

You could hardly hear yourself think over the chaos taking place within the truck’s cab. You tried your best to comfort Belle and Amy, even though you could barely keep it together. “I’m taking Daddy to the hospital, okay? The doctors will be able to help him. I need you to take deep breaths for me, baby. Can you do that? In and out, through your nose.”

Fighting to calm your child down in that moment was one of the hardest things you’d ever had to do. You longed to hold her in your arms. To cradle your little girl to your chest, as you’d done when she was a wee babe, and tell her that it was all going to be okay. But you couldn’t. You could only use your voice to comfort her, and it tore you apart. 

Because how could you be of any comfort when the love of your life was bleeding to death beside you, and your daughter and niece had no choice but to watch it? 

And then, Rhett was trying to speak. “I’m s-sorry,” he repeated, head thrown back against the seat. “Baby, I’m sorry. I tr-tried to keep it from her. Tried to keep her safe. I-I failed her. I failed you both. I’m so sorry.”

“Don’t!” You cried. “Please. Just save your strength.” You weren’t sure how much of it he had left.

You sped the entire way to the hospital, racing against the clock. Please don’t take my husband from me. Please. Who were you even asking? God? It seemed that He’d turned His back on you. He wouldn’t help you. You were alone. Forsaken. 

That drive to the hospital was the longest forty-five minutes of your life. By the time you skidded to a halt in front of the emergency entrance, Rhett was barely conscious. As you threw the truck into park, you turned back to look at the two frightened little girls in the backseat, holding one another for dear life.

“Stay here. Do not move until I come back out for you, okay?” You sharply instructed. Then you jumped out of the truck, feet pounding against the ground as you dashed into the hospital, throwing yourself through the doors.

There was no way you’d be able to get Rhett out of the truck on your own. You needed help. So you cried out for it. “Help me! Please, my husband was stabbed! He’s going to bleed to death!”

At your desperate pleas, a few orderlies sprang into action, grabbing a stretcher and sprinting outside with it. You followed them, watching as they tugged Rhett out of his seat and placed him on the stretcher. There were voices around you. Shouted commands. Mentions of a dangerous amount of blood loss. 

They whisked him away as you blindly followed after them, watching as your husband was ripped away from you. Is he going to be okay? Is he going to survive? Help him. Help him. Help him!

You didn’t realize you were shouting until a kind, gentle nurse was in your line of sight, cautiously holding onto your trembling shoulders. “We’ve got him, honey. He’s in good hands. We’ll help him as best as we can.”

You looked at her, nodding your head. “O-okay. Okay.”

“Do you have anyone you need to alert? Any family that needs to know about this?”

“My…my, um, in-laws.”

“Alright. Why don’t we just set you up in the waiting area and you can call them and let them know?”

“N-no,” you said, as she tried to lead you away. “My daughter…my niece. I need to…I have to go get them from the car.”

“Do you want me to help you?”

You barely even remembered saying yes, but soon, your girls were at your side, and an orderly had kindly volunteered to park the truck for you. The sweet nurse from before, whose name was Angela, led you to a quiet corner of the waiting area and informed you that she’d be nearby in case you needed anything. 

As soon as you sat down, Belle was grabbing at you, tearfully begging to sit in your lap. She was what brought you back from the precipice of hysteria. Your baby needed you to take care of her. So you shifted into that nurturing mode, focused solely on protecting and providing for her. 

You called Cecelia while you sat there, informing her of what had happened. Beside herself with emotion, she assured you that she would be there as quickly as she could, with Royal and Perry in tow. 

And then you sat there. And sat. And sat. Belle remained huddled against your chest, her arms around your neck. Amy burrowed into your side. And you held them both, comforting these poor little ones who had just experienced so much trauma. 

Everything had changed in a split second. One man’s decision had led you to this very moment. The moment in which you held part of your entire world in your arms, while the other half lay bleeding out on an operating table as doctors tried to save him.

You would learn that the knife Luke had stabbed Rhett with had gone deep enough to cause an internal bleed, and some organ damage. Surgery was necessary to repair it. He’d lost a lot of blood. Too much blood. He needed a transfusion, or he would not survive.

The girls were right there with you when the doctor told you all of this. Belle started weeping against your chest. Amy tugged at your arm, her owlish eyes fearful. “Is Uncle Rhett going to be okay?”

You lovingly stroked her cheek with your hand. “The doctors are doing everything they can for him.” But you didn’t know if your husband would pull through.

You had no time to dwell on it, because that was the moment that Royal, Cecelia, and Perry walked into the room. At the sight of her father, Amy sprang from your side and ran to him, falling into his arms as she hugged him tightly. 

You stood, still holding Belle in your arms as you stepped toward your family. Cece reached for you, placing a hand on your back. “Honey, I’m so sorry.” Her eyes were glimmering with unshed tears. She was barely holding it together. 

“They know anything yet?” Royal spoke up. 

You began to relay the information the doctor had given you, your voice wavering with emotion and exhaustion. You were at your wit's end. It was all catching up to you. The stress you’d been under. The constant scrutiny your family had been subjected to. The suffering your own child had just endured, after all you’d done to protect her.

And that was what did you in. 

Perry asked a question. “Do they think he’s gon’ pull through?”

You locked eyes with him. He stood there, and he had the nerve to look like he was about to cry. Wide, dark eyes shimmering under the fluorescent lights. And you snapped. Without a word, you set Belle down, sending her to her grandma. Then you looked at Cece. “Take her to get a snack, please,” you instructed, eerily calm. You weren’t going to subject your daughter to any more trauma.

“I don’t think–”

“Take her,” you pressed. 

Your mother-in-law clamped her mouth shut and nodded before she gathered up Belle and Amy and led them out of the room.

Then, you turned back to Perry.

“You did this,” you growled, jabbing your finger in his face. “My husband is dying. My child is traumatized. And it’s all BECAUSE OF YOU!”

You were blinded by a rage you had never known. A burning, churning, all-consuming rage. Red clouded your vision. And you lost yourself. You lunged at him, wailing with your own kind of agony as you tried to hurt him the way he’d hurt your family. 

You landed a jarring punch to his nose before someone caught you from behind and yanked you back, even as you fought wildly against their hold. Perry stumbled back, clutching his nose as blood gushed through the spaces between his fingers. You vaguely registered Royal as the one who held you.

“Enough!” He hissed in your ear. You were drawing the attention of the hospital staff. 

“You broke my fuckin’ nose!” Perry exclaimed through his hands. 

“That’s what you get! He shouldn’t be allowed to get away with this!”

It took Royal shaking you roughly to finally shut you up. “I said ENOUGH!”

You’d never heard him yell before. But it silenced you immediately. Your vision cleared, and you finally looked into his face. 

“You need to control yourself,” he lowly commanded you. 

“Don’t you dare speak to me about controlling myself. The reason we are in this mess is because he,” you jammed your finger in Perry’s direction, “couldn’t control himself.”

“You causing a scene in the middle of the fuckin’ hospital ain’t any better!”

“Is there a problem here?” A member of the hospital security team had finally stepped into the room.

“No,” Royal gruffly spoke up.

The guard looked at Perry. “You should probably seek medical attention, sir.”

“I’m fine,” he snapped.

“You sure?” The man reiterated. Then, “I can get the cops involved if need be. Or are we going to behave like civil adults from now on?”

“We’re fine,” Royal insisted. “Sorry to disturb the peace. Won’t happen again.”

“Better not.” Then he walked away, leaving the three of you alone in the waiting room. 

You stared at Perry, your chest heaving. “Perry, either you confess for what you did, or I’ll do it for you. I’m done playing this game, trying to protect a man who doesn’t deserve protection.” You crowded his space again. “And if Rhett dies, there will be no place safe in heaven and earth for you. I’ll put you in the goddamn ground.”

An eye for an eye, after all. 

Then you walked away, holding back the bitter tears that had begun to blur your vision. The adrenaline was wearing off. Your fist was throbbing from the punch you’d thrown. It would likely be swollen after the fact. But it didn’t matter. Nothing mattered anymore, except your daughter and your husband. And at the rate you were going, you might only have one of them left. 

You stumbled into the nearest bathroom, careening forward as your hands shot out to grip the sink. You bowed your head, letting out a broken sob. You were spiraling out of control. Your life was falling apart. You couldn’t breathe. Couldn’t speak. The tears had begun to flow and you couldn’t stop them. 

But you couldn’t lose it now. Not when Belle was depending on you. So you simply turned on the faucet and splashed cool water on your face, swallowing your sobs before you dried your face. When you exited the bathroom, you found that Cecelia had brought the girls back to the waiting area, their snacks in hand. Perry was nowhere to be found. Likely taking care of his broken nose.

When Belle saw you, she ran to you, and you took her into your arms again. As you took a seat on one of the uncomfortable vinyl chairs, she turned to show you what her grandmother had bought her from the vending machine.

“I got Goldfish,” she softly informed you. Even in the midst of a frightening situation, her childlike wonder still showed. She was only five, after all.

You tried to smile at her as you reached up to touch her round cheek. “They look yummy, baby.”

She sat in your lap and munched on her snack. It proved to be a welcome distraction for her. But she didn’t want to be separated from you. Even when Cece pulled out a small notebook from her purse and set it out for Amy to draw on. Belle loved drawing, but she refused to leave your arms to join her cousin.

So you held her, allowing her to stay close to you, because you needed this just as much as she did. 

And then the doctor walked into the room. Royal stood immediately. You leaned forward in your seat, your heart quickening in your chest. The doctor’s expression was unreadable. What was he going to say? Was your husband gone?

Please, no. No, no, no.

But then, hope. “There was considerable damage, and a lot of bleeding. But we managed to get it under control. He’s stable now, but he’s not awake yet. It’ll probably take him a bit to come out of it. This kind of trauma takes a lot out of a person.”

“So y-you’re saying that–” You started, but couldn’t get the words out.

“As far as I can tell, your husband is going to be fine, Mrs. Abbott,” the doctor assured you.

Immediately, you fell into a fit of sobs. You held Belle tightly to you, and you cried, rocking your baby back and forth. “Daddy’s going to be okay. He’s going to be just fine,” you told her. She cried with you.

A little while later, you were permitted to see him. Maybe it was selfish of you, but you longed for it to only be you and your daughter to be the ones to greet him first, and no one else. But thankfully, Cecelia sensed that, and she gently said, “you go. We’ll come in and see him when you’re ready.”

You squeezed the hand she’d placed against your arm, and then slipped away, Belle in tow. As you walked to the room they’d placed Rhett in, a tremor ran through your body. You weren’t sure if you were prepared for what you were about to walk into. But you squared your shoulders and walked into that room anyway.

There was your husband, that strong, steady, immovable force of a man, laid out in a hospital bed, vulnerable and weak. You were overcome with emotion, and it welled up within you, threatening to spill forth like a waterfall. You couldn’t believe you even had any tears left to cry. 

“My girls,” Rhett murmured, attempting a sleepy smile as you approached. 

“Daddy!” Belle exclaimed, pulling out of your grasp and rushing toward her father. 

“Be careful, baby,” you warned her so she wouldn’t jump on top of him. 

But she was very gentle with him. She reached out a little hand and closed it around his fingers. “That was so scary,” she whispered. 

His cerulean eyes welled with tears. “I know. I’m sorry you had to see me like that, little chick.”

You reached for him, taking hold of his free hand. “I thought…I thought I was going to lose you,” you whimpered. You ran your fingers through his hair, brushing it away from his forehead. 

Now his bottom lip had begun to quiver, and he squeezed your hand. “I’m sorry.”

You didn’t say anything in reply. You couldn’t, because you were too verklempt to do so. You sank into the chair beside his bed, still clutching his hand, and you cried. As did he. Belle scurried around to your side of the bed, squeezing her way between you. So you held your daughter, and you wept. 

You wept for the trauma that she had endured. You wept for the harm that had been inflicted upon your husband. And he wept for you, and for his child. He had tried so hard to keep it all away from her, but his failure was evident, and it broke him. He could not protect his family. He never could.

No words were exchanged after your tears slowed. Nothing could express the magnitude of what you were feeling, so you said nothing. Instead, you sat in that hospital room, and you cherished this intimate moment between you and the two loves of your very life, as painful as it was. 

You didn’t know what the future held after this moment. You didn’t know what awaited you beyond the four walls of this hospital room. So you drank in the rare moment of peace before the floodgates opened and all hell broke loose.

All too soon, that moment of serenity was broken by a gentle knock at the door. You turned to see Royal, Cece, and Amy in the doorway. Reluctantly, you motioned them into the room. It wasn’t right for you to keep them away from him. But you knew if Perry so much as attempted to set foot in the room, you would forbid him from doing so. 

You couldn’t bear to look at him, not after he was the reason your husband was laid up in this hospital bed. You would protect Rhett with every fiber of your being, and if that meant barring his own brother from seeing him, then so be it. 

But unbeknownst to you, Perry had left the hospital grounds, and was already headed for Wabang. There was a piece of paper thrown haphazardly onto the passenger seat of his truck. A sheet of stationary with the hospital logo. 

And on that sheet of paper was a confession. Written in detail, describing everything that had happened the night Trevor was murdered. In that letter, embellished as it may have been, it absolved your husband of all guilt, save for him landing a few punches. 

I’m the one who killed him. His blood is on my hands, and mine alone. 

He was going to leave the letter for Sheriff Joy, and then wait it out. 

He knew if he would have simply manned up and taken responsibility for his wrongdoing in the first place, none of this would have happened. His brother wouldn’t have been gravely injured. His family wouldn’t have been torn apart. 

He was a fool. And he was reaping the consequences of that foolishness. But it was too little too late to fix it now. And somehow, in his heart of hearts, he knew that. Knew that even this confession would not fix the mess he’d made. There was only one solution he could come up with in his muddled, unstable mind that would even come close to repairing the damage that had been done. He just wasn’t sure if he had the courage to do it.

Back at the hospital, the time had come to head home. Rhett desperately needed his rest, it was evident in the way he could hardly keep his eyes open, or barely lift his hands from where they lay at his sides. 

His body had been put through the wringer, and his recovery would not be easy. It would be slow and painful. He wasn’t sure if he had the strength to get through it. 

“Alright, I think it’s time we head home,” Cecelia finally said, squeezing Amy’s shoulders. “Uncle Rhett is exhausted. He needs his rest.”

“But I wanna stay,” the little girl protested. “Please, Grandma?”

“No ma’am. We’ll come see him another day. I promise. Now let’s go.”

Reluctantly, she took her jacket from her grandmother’s hands and shrugged into it. Then, Cece reached her hand out toward Belle. “I can take her home and get her tucked into bed.”

But the thought of leaving either of her parents was unfathomable to your little girl. She gasped, immediately whirling around and hiding herself against your side. “No!” She cried, holding onto you like she used to do when she was a toddler and something had frightened her. 

Your heart broke at her fear, and you wrapped a comforting, protective arm around her shoulders. “I think it’s best if she stays with me. Thank you, though.”

Cece nodded, and instead, reached out to hug you. “I’m sorry it came to this,” she whispered. 

“Me too,” came your reply. 

A few moments later, the trio was heading out the door, and soon, the room was quiet again. You gazed back at Rhett, and found he was already beginning to nod off to sleep, unable to keep his eyes open any longer. Your heart ached in your chest at the sight. He looked like a frail little boy. 

“Can we stay with Daddy all night, Mama?” Belle asked you, after she’d calmed down from her initial upset. 

You cupped her chin as you looked at her. “I don’t think so. The hospital will probably want us to leave. I can get us a motel room close by, how does that sound?”

“But I don’t wanna leave him,” she continued to protest, her bottom lip quivering much like her father’s when he cried. 

You knelt in front of her, taking her hands in your own. “I know, sweet girl. I don’t either. But I need you to be brave for me, okay? Daddy needs to get some rest so his body can heal. We can’t be with him the entire time. We’ll go sleep at a hotel, and then we’ll come right back tomorrow morning. I promise.”

She sniffled, glancing from you to her father. Even though he could barely keep his eyes open, he mustered a smile at her. “I’ll be okay, little chick. Go with your mama. She needs you.”

Tearfully, Belle nodded. “Okay, Daddy.” Then she scurried forward, leaning in so she could kiss Rhett’s cheek. “I love you.”

He hummed tiredly, eyes drifting shut. “I love you too.”

You moved to his bedside again, placing your hand over his own. The hands that had held your face as he kissed you on your wedding day. The hands that had held your unfathomably tiny daughter when she was a premature newborn. The hands that had calmed spooked horses, and built fences. The hands that held you together. 

“I love you, sweet man,” you whispered as you learned down to press a kiss against his forehead. “I’ll see you in the morning.”

And with that, you took your daughter’s hand in your own, and led her out of the room. You fought tears as you went, entirely overwhelmed. Half of your heart was lying in that hospital bed, and leaving it behind was more agonizing than you’d been expecting. 

But you put on a brave face and left the hospital. Your child needed a warm place to sleep after the events that had taken place. You weren’t sure if you could make the hour long drive home. It seemed much too daunting, and you feared you might pass out from exhaustion if you attempted it. 

So, a nearby motel it was. You chose the cheapest place you could find, one that also included breakfast, and that was where you ended up for the night. No sooner had you made it to the room and gotten Belle in bed, than she was asleep, succumbing to the weariness that had plagued her.

You slipped into bed beside her, wrapping your arms around her little body. You were certain you would end up crying yourself to sleep, but you realized that you quite literally had no more tears left to cry. 

So you held your daughter to your chest, and you drifted off into a fitful, restless slumber. Every time you let sleep overtake you, you were plagued with the nightmare of watching Luke run your husband through. 

It was torturous, and soon, you gave up on sleep altogether, choosing to stay awake until the sun began to rise high in the sky. And as its first rays shone through the window, Belle stirred in your arms, and then sleepily looked up at you.

“Morning, baby. How did you sleep?” You softy asked her.

“Okay. I was really tired.”

“I know you were.”

“Can we go downstairs and have pancakes for breakfast?”

“We sure can, little one.”

“I wanna take some to Daddy, too.”

“We can do that, as well.”

You got up for the day, and you helped Belle get ready, getting her into the shower and giving her the motel soap products to use. She made a small fuss about having to wear the same clothes she’d worn the day before, but you gently reminded her that you had no other options, so she dressed without complaint. 

Before long, you were downstairs, hurriedly prepping and eating a quick breakfast before you were out the door, a box of pancakes clutched in Belle’s hands. She’d even use a pen to write for Daddy.

Then, to the hospital you went. When you arrived, you were overwhelmingly relieved to find that Rhett was awake, but he was very clearly in a world of pain. You heard it in the strangled groan he let out when he leaned forward to hug his daughter.

“Ahh,” he hissed, jolting back as he placed a ginger hand against his abdomen.

“Are you okay, Daddy?” Belle fearfully asked.

“I’m fi-fine, just a little sore, is all,” he assured her. This was more than just a little sore. He was in agony.

“When was the last time you had a dose of pain meds?” You softly asked.

“Haven’t gotten ‘em yet.”

“Oh, baby,” you gasped. Without a second of hesitation, you pressed the nurse call button, determined to have things taken care of. Before long, Rhett finally had his pain medicine, and he was soon happily eating the sub-par motel pancakes while Belle sat beside him on the bed, content to just be near him.

This journey you were about to embark on would not be an easy one. Rhett had a long road ahead of him. But you knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that you were be with him every step of the way. You would support him, protect him, and love him, just like he had always done for you.

You learned that he would need to stay in the hospital until he was strong enough to go home. The doctor was hopeful, and assured you Rhett’s wound looked good, as far as severe injuries go, and that it should heal fine, granted there were no unexpected complications. 

However, while his prognosis appeared hopeful, there was still your family situation to be dealt with. While Belle sat on the floor, your headphones in her ears as she watched a movie on your phone, you explained to Rhett what had happened.

“You broke my brother’s nose?” He asked in disbelief. You hadn’t expected him to be so amused, but he was smiling.

“He had it coming,” you simply replied. But you quickly grew serious. “Rhett, this has gone on long enough. He nearly tore our family apart because of his stupidity. I know he’s your brother, but he isn’t worth losing your life over. I’m done protecting him. If the cops come asking questions, I’m going to tell them the truth about him.”

Rhett nodded, his face grim. “I know. I’m just sorry I didn’t give him up sooner. You have to understand where I’m comin’ from, here. I thought I was doing the right thing by following my dad’s lead. I thought if I did, it would save Amy from suffering any more heartache. And I thought it would be the best way to keep you an’ Belle safe. But I…I couldn’t even do that. And now my sweet little girl is…” he trailed off, his emotions welling up so intensely inside him that he could hardly speak. “Now my little girl is traumatized for life, all because I couldn’t just man up and turn my brother in.”

“But the thing is, you shouldn’t have had to protect him. But you did, because you’re expected to just do whatever your family asks of you. They put everything on your shoulders and I’m ashamed that I didn’t stand up for you a long time ago and put a stop to it. I’m in this just as much as you are. We both have to live with what happened last night, knowing it could have been prevented.”

“I’m scared of what comes after this. I don’t know if…if I’ll be a free man or not. But I’m willing to pay my dues, if I need to. I want to be a better man. Want to be an example to Belle and own up to my wrongdoings.”

You nodded, squeezing his hand in your own. “Whatever happens, I’m with you.”

Maybe it was too little too late to make things right. But he was going to try his damndest to do so. And you were going to support him in that plight. 

Later that day, Royal and Cecelia showed up to the hospital with Amy, which you had already expected. Belle was happy to have her cousin’s company, and you wouldn’t deprive her of such a thing. She needed all the support she could get. 

But what you didn’t know was that Perry was on his way to the hospital at that very moment, with the intention of speaking to you, and only you. He had something very important to tell you. He just wasn’t sure if you would listen to reason.

You were preoccupied with speaking to Cece when he arrived. You didn’t notice him at first, until you were suddenly made aware of a presence darkening the door of Rhett’s room. You lifted your head to look, and the moment you saw who it was, your body went tense. 

“What are you doing here?” You demanded, already stepping toward him. You weren’t going to allow him near your husband or child. 

“I need to talk to you,” he replied. He most certainly looked worse for wear, with a bandage over his nose, barely hiding the bruising and swelling you’d caused. 

“I have nothing to say to you, Perry. Not after what you’ve done.”

“You don’t gotta say anything to me. I just need you to listen. You’re gonna want to hear this, believe me.”

You weren’t sure what made you follow him. It was as if your feet were moving of their own accord. You let him lead you out into the hall, just out of earshot of everyone else in the room. When he turned to face you, you took a step back, taking in a steadying breath so you wouldn’t fly off the handle.

“Wanted you to know that I confessed. To everythin’. Left a letter for the sheriff last night.”

“You what?”

“I left Rhett out of it. It’s all on me. Figured I’ve caused enough suffering as it is. So I’m puttin’ an end to it right now.”

You were utterly speechless. You could only stare at him in disbelief. He’d really done it. After the weeks of hell he’d put you through, he’d simply written a letter and left it at that. “I-I don’t know what you want me to say to that.”

“Don’t have to say anything. Just wanted you to know.” And then, he turned to go. He walked away from you. Walked away from his parents, his brother, his daughter. He walked out through those hospital doors, and he didn’t look back.

You were left in the middle of that hospital hallway, reeling. You didn’t know what to think. Didn’t know how to feel. Part of you was relieved. The other part of you was so enraged you could hardly stand it. You wanted to scream. Wanted to cry. Wanted to destroy whatever was in your path. 

But you didn’t. You turned on your heel and went back to your husband and daughter. You acted like nothing had happened out there in that hallway. But that couldn’t be furthest from the truth.

Life went on. And you had no choice but to let it. Rhett was released from the hospital a few days later. He had strict instructions to take it easy and not do anything strenuous for the next four weeks. 

In those four weeks, you took care of him around the clock. And with each passing day, he grew stronger. He was well on his way to healing. But the emotional damage that had been caused had yet to heal for any of you.

And the very man who was responsible for that turmoil? He went missing a day after he confessed to the murder of Trevor Tillerson. He was just…gone. Without so much as a trace. No note. No explanation. He’d seemingly vanished into thin air.

The only one who seemed to know anything about it was Royal. He never admitted as much, but you could tell that he knew something. Perhaps where Perry had gone. The cops settled on telling the public that he was on the run, and currently at large. A heft reward was offered to anyone who knew of Perry Abbott’s whereabouts. 

They never did find him.

That left the rest of his family behind to pick up the pieces. Amy was now, effectively, an orphan, even it the fate of her parents was unknown. Cecelia and Royal took her in, vowing to raise her in Perry’s absence. The poor child was never the same after the disappearance of her father. Her spark had vanished along with him.

Perry’s disappearance was what pushed you over the edge. You knew that you could not spend another minute in Wabang. Not after all you had endured. So, as soon as Rhett was strong enough to travel, you decided together that it was time to move on. If not for your sake, but for your daughter’s.

It was time to head out in search of the peace you had so desperately been longing for. 

You chose to settle in a peaceful town another state over. While money was still tight, you made do with what you had. You enrolled Belle in an entirely new school. And together, as a family, you sought out therapy to cope with all you had been subjected to.

The healing process after leaving Wabang was no walk in the park, to say the least. You and Belle were both plagued by nightmares. Knowing you were suffering in such a way tore Rhett apart. But you fought your way through it together. Until the nightmares lessened and the fear gave way to peace.

Rhett carried a scar on his torso, a permanent reminder of the knife that had nearly taken his life. But every time you looked at it, you were filled with gratefulness that he was still here, with you. That he was still able to be the father your little girl needed.

The bond the three of you shared had grown deeper still throughout this grueling process. It was a bond that could never be broken. And while it had taken a lot to get to that point, you realized that it had shaped you into the person you were always meant to be. The mother you were created to be.

You watched your daughter flourish in a new place with new friends. You watched your husband come into his own and find a way to provide for his family, just like he’d always dreamed of doing. And together, the three of you found peace and healing. 

It was no easy feat, but that was okay. Because you had each other. And that was all you’d ever need.

-

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[lostinlewis]

Teammates…

Rating: M

Words: 10,374

Raised to be afraid of nothing, to be scared of nobody, to live your life as if whatever landed on your doorstep was meant for you was all well and good, it helped you climb through the ranks as a Mercedes junior, all the way up to what was considered the top spot, one of two seats within the Mercedes AMG Formula One team, but none of what was taught to you from the moment you came into the world had any kind of bearing on the fact that you were absolutely terrified of flying and no matter how many flights you took over the years, and you took many, it never once got any easier.

The clock on the screen that played a movie you would never choose to watch if you weren’t on a flight, read 02:47am and you sighed. You had been on this flight for four hours now, four painfully boring hours, in which you fought to overcome anxiety the whole time, whilst trying your best to sleep too. 

Unlike practically all of the team members that surrounded you, your inability to sleep was ever present, and it wasn’t helped by the fact that almost every single one of them snored like they were a high school band still finding their harmony together. You were certain that if purgatory was real, this was your version.  

Your phone screen lit up so brightly it illuminated your whole dark aisle and you smirked, reading the name a few times to really take in who it was. You knew right then that the universe had answered your prayers for a distraction in some form, but certainly not the form you would have chosen, but beggars can’t be choosers and right in this moment, you would have taken anything. 

‘I’m just laying here thinking about your pretty face…’ 

A part of you hoped he had sent a picture along with it, a little reminder of the body you laid with on and off for a few months up until last year, but he didn’t, yet still you remembered exactly how he looked and that was the final nail in the coffin to ensure you would do something that could end very badly for you, especially in your new position. 

Boredom with a sprinkle of needing an ego boost made sure that any repercussions that may come from your actions, were the furthest thing from your mind right at that moment, the serotonin of having his attention once more made it so you craved the guaranteed high of an exchange with him, even if it only lasted for the remainder of the flight.

It was hard to hide the smile on your face as you rose from your seat, what you were about to do was dangerous yet it played perfectly to your constant need to live life on the edge. What did a little reputation in motorsport matter anyway? As the first female on the grid you were always one step away from being diminished or discredited, no matter how well you behaved. 

As you walked towards the toilet you locked eyes with the only other person awake on the plane, Lewis. Despite him being your teammate for close to a year now, you had never really spent time with him away from the team, nor did you have conversations with him at all that wasn’t about racing. Lewis found you stubborn, strong willed, exactly the kind of person he struggled to get along with; the mirror image of him. 

Lewis didn’t smile at you, instead he held eye contact with you until it was no longer possible, so intense it was, it felt like he was trying to speak to you through the power of thought. The moment you felt the eye contact get uncomfortable, you screwed up your face as if to ask him what his problem was before you headed to your destination; the bathroom.

Seventeen pictures, seventeen pictures in what you were sure was the world's smallest bathroom, you thought you deserved an award for your skill at even managing to take one good enough to send to him. The picture itself was not what you would deem a nude as such, sure there was plenty of bare skin on show, but the parts of you that warranted that label were covered up, even if all they were covered by was your hands across your chest or your lace panties that revealed your freshly waxed mound. 

You looked good and you knew it, it was only fair that someone else got to see it too. You reasoned with yourself as you pressed send and allowed the little anxious butterflies in your tummy, once there due to your fear of flying, now having been replaced with the waiting for a response, engulf you in a giddy walk back to your seat. 

You passed Lewis again on your way back, this time you didn’t have to make uncomfortable eye contact as he was facing the other way, but that didn’t stop him from catching your attention with the way his fingers brushed against your wrist, in an almost hold but with no strength behind it at all; if you weren’t mistaken, it was as if he was nervous about touching you.

“You good?” 

It was possible to count the unforced interactions you had with Lewis on one hand so to say his question came out of the blue would be completely correct, your face told him of your confusion. 

“Fine, are you?” 

“I’m very well.”  

The smirk on his face after he replied should have been the first sign something was up, but you were too lost in the haze of the attention you anticipated pouring through your phone screen any moment now to dwell on it much. You never normally gave Lewis much of a thought, and you certainly were not planning on starting now. 

You had checked your phone close to a thousand times before there was any notification present, as the plane came into land and all hope was lost, your confidence shattered by the lack of acknowledgement to what you thought was a very good picture indeed, you suddenly had your hopes sky rocketed once more as the screen lit up with signs of a message. 

The name was not the one you were expecting at all, and as you read it over and over to make sure it was real, confusion sunk in further, as well as fear. Why would Lewis be messaging you? 

You looked up before opening it, wanting to catch his attention to see if you could grasp the vibe before the surprise, but he was already walking towards the exit, as if the message was sent and immediately he lost all confidence and had to be as far away from you as possible. Covering your phone screen with your hand, to shield it from prying eyes, you opened it and immediately nausea rushed over you. 

‘I know that wasn’t meant for me but for what it’s worth, you look incredible. Sleep well :)’ 

Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck fuck. Fuckkkk. 

Your surroundings began to spin, your breathing began to labour, how could you be so stupid? Why did you not check who you were sending the picture to? And of all people, Lewis? Fuck. This was bad. This was really bad. 

It was an easy mistake to make in hindsight, when you thought you had pressed send, you had pressed airdrop instead. You tried to reason with your anxiety all night, sleep still evaded you in spells, reasoning that there were far worse people on that plane to accidentally airdrop an almost nude to, your team principal being one of them. The reasoning didn’t help though, sure there were worse people to send it to, but sending it to your teammate, the literal face of the sport you had fought so hard to be in and more importantly, be taken seriously in for your whole life, was pretty bad too.

There’s no coming back from this, there’s no making this better, you’ll be the laughing stock of the paddock tomorrow and all because you wanted a little attention from someone you hadn’t seen in months. You got all the attention you wanted and more now, idiot.

Your thoughts were mean, a constant cycle of beating yourself up whilst debating if or even how you should reply to Lewis. You decided against it, there was nothing you could say that could make this situation any better, besides, burying your head in the sand and pretending it hadn’t happened sounded far easier; ignorance was bliss, afterall. 

At some point during the endless torture of yourself, you fell asleep, waking only when your trainer rained a tirade of aggression against your hotel room door. 

“I’m up! Sorry!” 

You were up in every sense but physically, figuring you could sneak a few more minutes of sleep in before you really had to leave. 

“You better be, you’re expected in the briefing room in twenty minutes.”

Fuck.

The dash around the room, scraping yourself together the best you could, allowed you to leave the anxiety of facing Lewis to the wayside for a moment but that didn’t stop it from hitting you like a brick as you approached the door to the briefing room, being able to hear his distinctive giggle through the walls already did not help at all, not one bit. Despite knowing how improbable it was, you thought maybe he was laughing at your expense, maybe they all were. 

“Ah finally decided to join us then?” 

If looks could kill you would have taken out your engineer with just a glance, but alas they couldn’t so all eyes were on you instead as you sheepishly took your seat, across from Lewis, avoiding every bit of eye contact that was possible. 

This is going to be a long day, a really fucking long day. 

Your presence within the meeting was pointless, you engaged in absolutely nothing, you contributed about the same too and at the best of times you barely heard what any one person said. You were going into an Azerbaijan race weekend with not a clue on strategy, preparation or even if your car would be upgraded. This would be a disaster, you knew it already, and it was all your own stupid fault.

Like a child awaiting the bell for lunchtime, the second you were dismissed from the meeting you ran out of there and straight back to your drivers room where you felt safe enough to hide within the sweet escape of sleep until you had press duties to attend to. 

It was impossible to tell how much time had passed from the moment you fell asleep until the moment you felt your phone vibrate against your cheek, the fact that it was squished between you and the sofa you slept on made it too strong to simply ignore. 

The screen read Lewis and all at once you wanted your whole body to merge with the sofa so that you no longer existed; facing your actions was the farthest thing from comfortable right now, especially not now that you had to also face said actions in real life too. 

‘I figured I owe you one…’

Nothing could have prepared you for the image that loaded under the text, nothing could make you feel in any way easy about what you saw. If you had to pick one moment that changed the course of your career, and the relationship you had with your teammate, it would have been easy to pinpoint it on the accidental sending of an almost nude on a flight, but if you were honest, it was the moment he decided to reciprocate said accident with an intention of his own. 

Laid out on a sofa matching yours, naked but for a towel positioned strategically over most of his thickness, Lewis’ body was on display for you, and it was quite literally breathtaking. Every muscle was defined as if sculpted by Michelangelo himself, every inch of his skin glowing the kind of glow that teased moisture post shower. His neck was adorned with the prettiest pearls but what really caught your eye, the one thing you would find impossible to ever forget, was the way he made absolutely certain to leave you wanting - no needing - more by allowing you to see just enough to crave it with every fibre of your being.

The white towel hung loosely over his bulge, a sign that he was soft yet even in that state, bigger than you had ever seen a man before. Your mouth salivated as you took in every little detail of the image, it was incredibly difficult to look away. 

The tufts of hair at its base were neatly trimmed, you would have imagined him bald had anyone asked you, but he wasn’t. Like the icing on a cake, the cherry on top of what was an image that would forever be burned in your brain, you noticed the vein that protruded from the base, and ran up his very defined V line. It was then that you were cemented in the knowledge that at all costs, you would know exactly how it felt to run your tongue down said vein, you would know exactly what wonders it led to, eventually. 

You mused over replying for a while, unsure of the best response, you hadn’t seen a teammate naked before but then again you hadn’t accidentally sent a nude to one before either. You had to reply, it would be rude not to. Besides, how would you ever find out what he felt like in your mouth if you didn’t? 

‘You didn’t owe me anything, Lewis.’ 

You wrote and deleted the words ‘thank you’ a thousand times before pressing send on the message, figuring that it was best to not come across as desperate in your message, keeping it casual instead. If he wanted a conversation, he would have to initiate it and he did.

‘Maybe not, but I’m a gentleman. You gave so you shall receive too.’

Your mind found itself in the gutter so easily, you were already thinking about just what you wanted to give him and now he had thrown in the idea that you could also be receiving in this scenario, that was the confirmation that forever the relationship between the Mercedes’ drivers would be one that was entirely inappropriate and wholly frowned upon in racing circles, but you had never much cared for peoples opinions anyway, and neither had Lewis.

‘Maybe I should accidentally give some more if that’s what I get in return…’

‘You don’t have to give me anything, all you have to do is ask.’

A simple please would have sufficed yet the stubbornness within you reared its head once more, led out by your ever growing confidence in the new scenario you had found yourself in, you did not want to beg him, you did not want him to think you were even really into him. If it was up to you, you would be able to play it cool right up until it was no longer feasible, but then again, Lewis was your competitor in this fight and he was someone no one could beat. 

The thing about Lewis though, the one part of him that transcended all matters of his life, if he wanted something, if he was focused on something, that would be all he did, and right now he was focused on you. Before you had even found words to reply with, you found yourself in possession of another picture, this one a little more explicit than the last. 

Still laid out on the sofa, one of his hands placed on his chest, the other teased down the towel a little further, allowing you to be overwhelmed by not only just the thickness now but the length too. He was careful to not reveal it all, but what you had seen already was more than enough to make sure that it didn’t matter what happened this weekend, you had to leave Baku knowing him far more intimately than you ever thought you would. 

‘Lewis, it’s so big 😳’

‘I never had you of all people down as scared…’

He was challenging you, playing to the competitive side he had only ever seen on the race track, and it was working. You wanted to throw back an answer to explain how far from scared you were, but you also didn’t want to entertain the ego trip he would have gotten from it. 

This was it, this was the perfect opportunity to send him a little picture back, the perfect opportunity to make sure that you would not be the only Mercedes driver with their head elsewhere this weekend. 

You laid back on your sofa much as he had his own, shuffling down your sweats until all that the camera could see was the white lace panties you had on. Pressing the record button on the video, you brought it down closer to your body so that every inch of the screen was filled with an image that you wanted no one else to see but Lewis. 

Teasing your thighs apart just enough to make sure the camera picked up the little wet patch on the outside of your panties, and to be very certain you ran your finger over your folds, you felt it most important that he knew exactly where to look.

‘My room, now.’ 

Sneaking out of your driver's room to cross the hallway into Lewis’ was no mean feat. People were everywhere, members of your team just a few steps to your right, journalists from sky a few to the left, interviewing your team principal of all people. If anyone was to spot you cross the hallway and disappear into his room there would be speculation in abundance, but it was a risk you were willing to take; the little taste of Lewis you had so far was more than enough to make it so it overruled any sensibility you had within you. 

Lewis was waiting for you, sat on the sofa, his legs spread wide, his body laid back; the evidence of the game you played for the past hour was sitting proudly in his sweats, almost daring you to look.

“Are you just going to stand there, or would you like to sit down?” 

For a moment you almost forgot who you were, for a moment he almost had you shy, something you had never been before. As you dared to lower your eyes to the obvious bulge in his sweats, you found your confidence once more; desire often did that to you.

The space between the door you were standing by and the sofa he beckoned you towards was minimal but the way in which he watched you the whole time made it feel like the longest walk in the world. 

“No, not there…here.” 

Lewis took your hand and lowered you down onto his lap, where you were greeted with the feeling of his thickness underneath you for the very first time. It was too tempting to not roll your ass into it a little, just to make sure you could really feel it.

You let out a little sigh as you felt it press against your cheeks, Lewis laughed in response, pulling you back so you were laid just as he was, your head resting in the crook of his neck, the only part of you left that was unattended to were your hands; he soon found a place for them too, in the grip of his own. 

“So…I bet you didn’t think you would find yourself here this afternoon.” 

You were very conscious of the feeling of his warm breath against your neck, you wondered if he could feel the way your skin washed with goosebumps all over in response. 

“Not at all, I could barely pay attention in the meeting earlier. I was so worried about what happened.” 

“You didn’t pay attention? Babe, you haven’t raced Baku before have you?”

“No but I’m sure it will be fine, I just-“

Lewis stopped your words short by using your own fingers to turn your face around to look at his, as best you could anyway.

Your eyes dropped to his lips, licking your own without thinking how obvious you were making your hunger for him. He nudged your chin up, telling you to look at him properly. 

“Baku is not a track you can wing it on. You need to know the track before you even step foot in the car, want me to teach you?”

“No it’s fine, I didn’t come here for a lesson on racing, I came here for you.” 

You brought Lewis’ hand up to your lips, kissing the very same tattoos you found to be utterly compelling at the best of times, now even more so. 

For a moment your touch had hypnotised him, you had made him lose track of his thoughts, and for a moment you felt like the most powerful person in that room, before he found himself again and showed you competition for that crown.

“How about I run through the track with you, help you memorise it, and whilst I’m doing that I will also make sure you leave here with a smile…”

“Lewis, how will-“

He had a knack for stopping short any questions you had, answering them before you even asked them, and as his hand found the waistband of your sweats, his fingers tickling underneath with ease, he very quickly had you melting in his lap as if he had done this to you a thousand times before.

“It’s not like any other street track really, it lets you race, so you’ll need to get a good start…”

You heard his words almost hitch in his throat, your gasp as his finger found your clit so easily, and attempted to stop them in their tracks.

“Relax, baby…I know what I’m doing…”

You didn’t doubt he did, still nothing would make you relax as the man hummed words of racing in your ear whilst he sent your nerve endings into a frenzy with a gentle stroke of his finger over your central point. 

“You're practically dripping, babe.”

Words that immediately made embarrassment wash over you, so much so that you threw your arm over your eyes as if to shield yourself from them. His fingers felt like they belonged on your pussy, but the reminder of who they belonged to was so intense. 

“Hey, don’t do that…no need to be embarrassed around me, I love that you get so wet, it’s exactly what I like.”

Lewis pulled your hand away from your face before he removed his finger from your clit, bringing up to his lips to taste you.

“Shit…I’m going to need to eat that pussy soon, you taste incredible.” 

“Lewis, stop…”

He could tell how shy he was making you with his words, shy was not something he had ever seen you be before now, yet the smile on his face told you that he had no intention of stopping. 

“You’re going to learn a lot from me, babe. First lesson, learning how to love the way that I appreciate your body…”

And with that, he relaxed you back onto his chest so he could really play with you this time.

“Now where was I? Ah Castle Corner…”

Two fingers now found their place between your folds, making you moan breathlessly as he teased your clit with so much more pressure than before, teasing them down towards your heat, his thumb finding your clit to soothe you as you felt the thickness of his fingers inside of you all at once. 

“Castle corner is tight…shit, so very tight…you’ll have to take it easy, tease the car into it so as to not break anything…”

If you were anyway coherent it would have impressed you how easily he found words that fit for both his description of the track, and everything he was doing to your body at the same time, but Lewis made it so incredibly difficult for you to concentrate on anything, for you to see anything for you to hear anything, every part of you overwhelmed with more pleasure than you had felt before in your life. 

“See how good it feels when you take your time with something precious? It’s so fragile, yet if you tease it just right, you will have the car purring in your hands in no time…purr for me, baby.”

His tongue traced a line across your neck, replacing it with kisses until he was able to nibble on your ear.

“Lewis…I…I feel…”

“I can feel it coming too, let me win this one, don’t fight it. Look at me.” 

With the hand not fucking you, he cupped your chin, turning you to look him in the eyes. 

“Trust me to make you feel good, don’t think about it, just let it happen.” 

Your teeth dug into your bottom lip as you felt the familiar tension build within you, you were close to exploding all over the fingers of your teammate, the man who was staring into your eyes like you were the most beautiful thing he had ever seen, and there was not a single thing you could do to stop it now; you were about to give him all of you, you were about to let him win. You never let anyone win. 

“Lewis…”

His name left your lips in a whispered moan, there was no point to saying it, it was as if you wanted the universe to know who was making you feel this good. 

“Trust me, baby…trust me…”

His chants were exactly what you needed to keep you focused on what you were feeling, what wasn’t needed was the perfectly timed knock on his driver's room door as your orgasm began to peak.

“Lewis, you’re due in the media centre in 10 minutes.”

Lewis cupped his free hand around your mouth, knowing the explosion he was about to cause would make it impossible for you to not get you both caught.

“Quiet, baby.” 

He whispered in your ear as he never once let off of you, your orgasm was priority, despite the fact that one of the team was standing on the other side of the door. 

“Also have you seen…”

“No I haven’t seen her…good girl, stay quiet for me…I’ll be out in five minutes, just finishing something up…fuck I wish I was inside of you right now…”

His voice was a little louder than he would have liked, overcome by the strain in his pants, he was unable to think of anything but how he longed to feel you tense around his dick much like you were tensing around his fingers. 

“I wish…I wish…”

“Oh I know you want it too, baby. If you’re a good girl, you’ll get it soon. I promise I will spend the whole weekend making you feel so good.”  

The mixture of the way he controlled your shaking body in his lap, whispering in your ear to praise you, as he held the most normal of conversations with someone else, made it impossible for you to not explode, in silence, with Lewis’ big hand wrapped across your mouth as you whimpered against it. 

“There you go, feel all of it baby.” 

Lewis sucked on your ear as he eased you through an orgasm so intense you thought it impossible that it would ever end. It did, eventually, and as you slowly came down from your high, Lewis soothed you with the softest kisses against your cheek, the constant praise he reigned down on you was the sweetest lullaby. 

“Thank you.” 

Never before had Lewis seen you so subdued, never did he imagine that all it took to get you to submit to him, to let him win in a battle, was a simple orgasm in his lap. Now he knew though, he would be using that to his advantage whenever he needed to. 

“Come on.” 

Despite the fact you saw him pretty much everyday, the fact he was strong enough to lift you both out of the seat and onto your feet still surprised you. 

“Lewis, can you make an excuse for me or something?”

“What should I say to the press? That I made my teammate cum so hard she can barely function now? No baby, we have commitments to attend to and your legs shaking is not an excuse to miss them, you don’t want to let the team down, do you?” 

He took your hand, leading the way right up until the point he reached his door before he froze, turning back to you. 

“Probably best we don’t leave together, I could come up with an excuse if we are caught but the look on your face right now will prove me a liar.” 

Lewis kissed you on the cheek, it was at that moment you realised that despite the fact you had just orgasmed because of him, and for him, you hadn’t even kissed yet. This was like a backwards game of lustful teenagers, and the final act would be one where he told you he had a crush on you. Not that he needed to now. 

“I’ll go first, see you in there-” 

He held your arm as you passed him, catching your attention for the final time.

“Oh and babe, in public we’re just teammates, remember that.” 

You smiled at him, holding his gaze just long enough to make him squirm as he waited for your response. 

“In private we’re just teammates too, Lewis.”

You caught his eye as he walked into the media centre, of course you were paired together, you were never paired together but as if the universe was playing a cruel trick on you, it decided today would be the day it wanted to see you try and keep focused on your job, when the fact you had a little taster of everything the man sat just to your left could do a few moments before you stepped inside the room, made it extremely difficult. 

Observing him as he took his seat felt a little different than usual, normally you held your gaze for just about as long as you could get away with to be polite but this time you couldn’t take your eyes off of him, Lewis just being Lewis had you enchanted. 

He looked so good, his white t-shirt hung over his jeans tighter than usual, outlining every curve in his almost non existent waist whilst the sleeves clung tight to his arms, now all you could think about was how it would feel to be held in them again as you fell apart. How were you expected to function as anything but a woman that longed for Lewis’ touch again? 

As you took him all in, you noticed something that made your eyes widen and your lips moisten; a damp patch on his jeans, no bigger than the size of a coin and noticeable only to those who looked close enough, and you certainly were. It sat proudly by the bulge that even through the thick material of denim was prominent, begging for the attention it so rightly deserved. 

Your mind wandered to thoughts of who’s excitement it belonged to, having fallen apart right there on his lap a few minutes ago it was probably yours, but you had felt how worked up he was, you had heard snippets of how he strained under his clothes as his dick fought to be inside of you. 

You hoped it was his, and as you barely listened to the mundane questions of the journalists in the room, you allowed yourself to hope that the next time his excitement wasn’t wasted on clothes that it would soon be washed out of, but instead savoured on your tongue, the taste left as a reminder of the man who was your fiercest competitor but now also your mentor, of a very different kind. 

“So Lewis, what outfit do you have planned for us tomorrow?”

Questions to the nineteen other drivers, including yourself, were almost always about racing but when it came to Lewis, they were something different. Questions about his personal life in abundance, about his projects outside of Formula One, questions directed to him for a quote on world events and every now and then they would throw in a question just for the fans, like this one, or so you thought it was anyway.

“Wouldn’t you like to know…”

“We would, your outfits are always a spectacle of a race weekend. Your Miami outfit was a personal favourite.” 

You couldn’t help but screw your face up at the journalist who was so blatantly flirting with Lewis, before you smirked in pity. You wanted to interrupt her, save her the embarrassment of being shot down by him in public, but you weren’t about to ruin what had just started between you both by making your disdain for her obvious.

“A personal favourite? Interesting…I’ll have to remember that for next weekend.” 

You were stunned by Lewis flirting back with her, how dare he? Especially when you were sitting right beside him? You decided right then that if this was the game he wanted to play, playing with you in secret whilst playing with everyone else in public, you wanted nothing to do with it; you had to stop this before it was too late, you knew you would be the one to get hurt, nothing and no one got to Lewis Hamilton. 

“Drive safe, babe.” 

Lewis whispered in your ear as you both went to your separate garages, preparing for Free Practice One. You didn’t turn to look at him, you didn’t wish him well either, the jealousy still seethed through you as you tried your best to focus on what was inevitably going to be a practice session you struggled with. 

Struggle you did, the track foreign to you so every turn you made was a surprise. Sure, you had seen it on television, had walked it once too, but none of that came close to what it felt like as you drove at 200mph around the track, practising strategies you could barely remember thanks to your inability to focus on much else but Lewis. 

The day had started with embarrassment, not wanting to face him as shame drove through you, and as you took the castle turn, the one he had told you how tight it was whilst he felt how tight you were, your mind ran with thoughts of knowing that Lewis was bad for you, yet also knowing you couldn’t quit him, not yet anyway. 

“Lewis is just behind you now, let him through, he’s on a fast run.” 

The call came through from your engineer before you had noticed him in the mirror, as his car got closer you could see the fluorescent yellow helmet inside the cockpit, and once again your mind was distracted by thoughts of him, thoughts that were dangerous at the best of times, but almost certainly in the cockpit of a racing car. 

“Do you copy? Move over for him, now.” 

You moved over but it was too late, you were not focused at all and your moving over meant that whilst Lewis had space to get past you, you drove straight into the barrier and with that, Free Practice was finished for you for the session. 

“You good?” 

Lewis found his way to your driver's room the second he was out of the car, not even knocking first to make sure you were decent before he walked in, clearly that didn’t matter anymore now that he had seen, and felt, more than a teammate ever should. 

“I’m fine.” 

The frostiness of your answer mixed with the way you shrugged off his hand from your shoulder as he approached you had Lewis confused. 

“You had me worried out there, that could have been a bad crash. I’ve been thinking, maybe we should behave ourselves this weekend.”

“Oh, I should have guessed this was coming.”

“What do you mean?” 

“That little stunt you pulled, the flirting with the journalist with me right beside you, if you wanted to let me know that I wasn’t shit to you, you could have just said.” 

Lewis didn’t force you to look at him, nor did he respond to your comment immediately, instead he moved behind you as you stood in the middle of the room, making you focus on the way he made every single tiny hair on your body stand on edge as you felt his presence around you, his hot breath against the back of your neck as he leant in just a little closer, his soft lips on your skin as he placed tender kisses on your nape. 

“Baby, you can’t be getting jealous now…especially over nothing, you know I flirt with everyone.” 

Even if you wanted to fight his protests, you were so very weak to his touch that it was impossible. Your head rolled back towards him, freeing up space on your neck for him to really smother your skin in kisses. 

“Besides, how do I know there isn’t a little boyfriend out there somewhere, you were sending someone a nude after all…”

It felt like Lewis was attempting to make love to your skin with his lips with the way he was kissing you.

“There’s no…no boyfriend.”

“Good because even if there was, I’m not sure I could control myself around you any longer.”

“Do you…do you really want to stop?”

Your voice was weakened by the state in which he kept you in with his lips on your skin, it was as if every touch he made took every drop of sense out of you, as if he was the force that made you lose every little bit of fight that had been built in you from the moment you started karting at five years old; Lewis was your kryptonite, there was nothing at all you could do about it now. 

“No, what I really want right now is to be buried between those thighs but baby, you need to focus on racing this weekend…” 

His lips worked their way up your neck, nibbling on your earlobe before he found your cheek. It was no coincidence that the closer he got to you, he was practically on top of you now, your core began to ache for him as if it already knew how good he would feel inside of you. 

“I don’t…I’m okay, I can do both…please…” 

“Baby, this is for your own safety, we have to put this on pause for the moment before it’s too late.” 

Lewis worked his lips all the way across your cheek until he could not move anymore, instead bringing himself around to face you, cupping your face in his hands before he did the thing you had yet to do, he kissed you. 

Your tongues fought a battle that differed on each side, on Lewis’ it was a dangerous game of resistance that he was quickly losing, yours was one of seduction, desperation, a need that had to be fulfilled fast, as the longing for it grew stronger with each minute. 

“Lewis…please…” 

He held your wrist, moving your hand to place it over the bulge that was so incredibly hard you wondered how it hadn’t ripped through his race suit already. 

“You feel that? You feel how hard it is for you? How badly I want to do everything you need me to do to you…” 

You wondered if it was a coincidence that as he described how much he longed to be inside of you, you felt his dick twitch violently in your grasp, asking for you to release it from its restraints, begging for you to do what it only imagined you could do. 

“I need…I need you to do it, I can’t focus without it.” 

Whilst he took most of your breath just by the way his lips brushed over yours, an almost kiss, he resisted every urge he had to back you up to the wall and take you right there, adrenaline pumped through your body as if he fed it directly to you. 

“I can’t…not here…I can’t fuck you here.” 

You felt his weakening resistance, you found your opportunity and with that you also found a confidence you hadn’t yet seen in his presence since this began. 

“Then how about we compromise?” 

His eyes told you that he was clinging to every word as your hand moved from his bulge to the waistband of his race suit that hung around his hips, slipping in between them so you found your fingers tickling the tufts of hair that hung at the base of the thing you wanted to feel most. 

“How about between now and free practice two we give in to our urges, we don’t fight them, and then we will be good until the race weekend is over?”

“Shit…baby, I swear you are making this so so difficult for me.” 

Your fingers slid around his shaft, a loose grip with full intention to make him want you more, if that was even possible. 

“It doesn’t have to be difficult, Lewis. You don’t need to protect me, I want this as much as you do.”

He pulled his race suit further down his body, allowing you the kindness that was taking him in your hand with a firm grip, the kind of grip that made his lips part as his tongue couldn’t help but lick them. 

“Lewis, you’re practically dripping…”

You smirked, reciting a line he had used on you only a few hours before, as you ran your thumb across the slit that so frequently leaked his desire, it seemed such a shame to waste what was meant for you in your hands when the urge to taste him grew stronger by the minutes.

“Can I ask you something?” 

A question thrown at you whilst you gently stroked the throbbing dick of the man standing just in front of you, was anything but expected. 

“Okay…”

“Why are you still standing? You would look so much better on your knees.” 

You dropped to your knees with little to no elegance, holding his gaze the whole time as where your thumb had once been, you found your tongue tracing the same line. 

“Oh shit…”

Lewis’ whole body shook as you tasted him, his fingers running through your hair told you that your compromise was granted, your wish to have your way with him a little more before racing duties called upon you both was allowed, and as your lips rolled down the entirety of his length until he hit the back of your throat, hearing his sweet little moans made it all the more worthwhile. 

Time was irrelevant with Lewis on your tongue, what did it matter that you had to be in the car in ten minutes? Free practice could wait, you were going to savour his flavour on every little taste bud, memorising the thud against the back of your throat, impossible it was to not bruise you with his size, as you worked him with your mouth. 

With all the will in the world behind you, you were determined to impress him, but more importantly, you were determined to make it so that your mouth was all he thought about getting back to after an hour on the track; anything else would be a bonus. 

The fingers that had been inside of you only hours ago, now ran over your hair with strokes of encouragement, the words he had found so easily when it was your turn, now hitched in his throat at every attempt to speak. 

“Fuck…”

A man normally so eloquent, now reduced to only being able to mumble curse words, your lips had rendered him weak, and whilst you were not quite able to beat him on track just yet, at this very moment you had won; a secret victory, but a victory nonetheless. 

“Baby, I need to taste you…come here.”

Lewis shed both of you of your race suits so quickly you would have thought this too was a competition. As he laid back on your driver's room couch, dick standing up from his body, he waited for you to take a seat on his face as if this was something you had done so many times before. 

Straddling him was nerve wracking, you hovered politely above his face so as to not put any weight on him, but that didn’t matter; Lewis’ hands gripped your thighs to pull you down as close as you could get to his face. 

It was sheer want to please him that led you through what was the most difficult task of your life. His dick was huge, sure, but you could have learnt to deal with that alone. What really made it difficult for you, was how insanely good he was at eating pussy. 

“Lewis…you’re making it so hard for me…”

“Oh you’re going to let me beat you again?” 

He knew exactly what to say to make you fight every distraction, every wave of pleasure he sent through your body, just to ensure that he was the one that exploded in the throes of pleasure first. 

Feeling Lewis orgasm, the way liquid squirted down your throat, the hot breath against your pussy as he moaned uncontrollably was everything you imagined it would be and more. As you swallowed the last drop, you hit your peak, to which you sat up right on his face to allow him as much of a taste of you as you had him. 

As the sunlight peeked through the blinds that never closed all the way, the possibility of your illicit affair being exposed through the lack of privacy hadn’t once crossed your mind before now, but soon your attention was drawn elsewhere. 

Lewis’ clothes were in disarray, the white Mercedes T Shirt that he had thrown on after your moment on the sofa, hung loosely on his body. The evidence of your undoing was dotted around his neckline, but the one thing the sunlight allowed you to notice, the thing it highlighted more than anything was the glistening that decorated the words powerful beyond measure, the thick silver chain that sat on his neck was covered in your juices, a slick wet reminder of the wonder that was his tongue and just what he could do with it. 

“I swear if I don’t get to fuck you soon, I might not be able to function.”

“Why don’t you just ignore the fact we have to be somewhere and just get it over with?” 

“Baby, when it finally happens this will not be a quick ten minutes, I want to take time with your body, I want to feel you shaking underneath me multiple times…I can’t do that in ten minutes.” 

“How about we compromise? How about you put it in for just one minute so I can feel you and then we will carry on with our day…”

“You’ll be the death of me, I swear.” 

You saw it in his eyes that he was considering your proposal, but as if your colleagues knew to interrupt you both before you did something that there was no going back from, once again someone knocked on the door. 

“Coming! Lewis has just gone to the bathroom.” 

You answered the team member before they even had a chance to speak, the disturbances were now routine and their questions much the same. For the first time in your life, you couldn’t wait for a race weekend to end, just so you could have Lewis all to yourself, without the fear of anyone disturbing you

As you relaxed in your much needed warm bath that evening back at the hotel, your phone screen lit up from where it was resting on the counter and already you knew who it was.

‘I can still taste you on my tongue…’

Accompanying the message was a picture a little more innocent than the ones that got you into this trouble in the first place, just a selfie with some chest on display.

‘Do you want to join me?’ 

You sent him back a picture of you, tastefully covering all that he had already seen, with bubbles. Every single part of you wanted him to say yes, you couldn’t wait until the weekend was over to have him, you needed him now.

‘More than anything but we have to be good. 8pm Sunday, I will be outside of your hotel room door.’ 

‘Fine. I won’t make this easy for you though.’ 

‘I would expect nothing less. See you tomorrow :)’

You were sure when Lewis read that you wouldn’t make waiting easy for him, that he never imagined the lengths you would go to to make sure he wanted you more than you wanted him; one look at the Instagram story that you posted before you walked through the paddock told him exactly how far you would go. 

Since the moment you joined Formula One you were so very careful to never wear anything that made people talk, they did that enough with you just being a woman anyway. You stuck to mostly team wear, not today though, today you wanted everyone to talk, and you wanted Lewis to hear it. 

Your dress went against all the rules, revealing both too much of your chest and your legs at the same time, exactly what you need to reveal to make everyone want you, but most importantly, to make Lewis want you too.

‘Fuck me…’

Lewis took all of five minutes of seeing your story to message you, having not seen you in person yet as he was locked away with his engineer. 

‘I’ve been trying to, babe…’

Gone was the timid, unsure girl that he had begun messing with a day ago. Like Sandy in Grease, you had your makeover and now you were going to get your man, somehow. 

‘You can’t do this to me, I am trying to be strong for your own good.’ 

You could read his frustration through his words, a part of you expected a knock on the door any moment now, but you also knew just how stubborn he could be. That was okay though, you were prepared for stubbornness.

‘Just so you know, I spent the whole night studying the track, I don’t need protecting this weekend, I need you to fuck me.’ 

Lewis didn’t reply this time but what you said was true, you had spent the whole night studying the track. As much as you begrudged having to do exactly what he told you to do, the desire that burnt inside you for him only grew by the hour and the longer he withheld exactly what you wanted, the worse it got. 

All eyes were on you as you entered the team meeting, not because you were late this time, but because you were dressed to be stared at. Covering your modesty a little in a Mercedes T Shirt on top, it swamped your dress completely so somehow your outfit looked even more revealing than before. 

You caught Lewis’ eye in an instant and smirked at him, you could see him salivating as he watched you take your usual seat opposite him. 

This time you paid attention to every word in the meeting, not wanting to give him the attention he was so used to from you, you focused on the speakers at all times and never once glanced at him, even as he purposefully sought your attention by brushing his boot against your bare legs multiple times. 

It amused you no end that the less attention you paid to him, the more desperate he became. Your phone screen lit up on the table in front of you, and you ignored it, you already knew it was another message from Lewis. 

Nothing worked on you and it frustrated him endlessly, as the meeting wound down his desperate sighs had reached their peak volume. 

“Where are you going so fast?” 

Lewis was careless now that he was desperate, grabbing your wrist to pull you back as your colleagues walked past you both. 

You lowered your gaze until he realised what he was doing and quickly let go of you. 

“Careful, we’re teammates, remember.” 

He shook his head slowly as he chose his next words so carefully, finally conscious of prying ears. 

“This game that you’re playing…it won’t work you know.”

“There’s no game, Lewis. I’m just doing what you said, now I better go back to my room to study some more before qualifying.” 

Leaving him standing alone in the hallway, he had no choice but to watch your hips sway purposefully, there was something about this teasing of him that was so satisfying. 

What you had done so far had worked perfectly well. Lewis might have thought he was holding strong so far but what you were about to do next would be the ultimate test of his discipline. 

You waited until the moment you heard his door shut to send what you had prepared for him just before you arrived at the track.

A short clip of you sat in the back of the car on the way to the grid, panning the camera down slowly until you reached where it met your bare legs, you pried them apart ever so slowly to reveal that whilst he was losing his mind over how good you looked in the dress, the real showstopper was hidden underneath; no panties.

It was doubtful that even thirty seconds had passed since you sent the video to him before you heard the gentle rattling of your door handle. 

You knew to expect him, it was inevitable that whilst he was the most stubborn person you knew, you had felt how desperate he was to be inside of you as his dick twitched in his pants only yesterday. 

“So all I had to do was ignore you and you would crumble? I wish I had known that sooner.” 

Lewis wasted no time at all reaching you as you stood in wait for him on the other side of your room. The moment he got close enough, he lifted you up and threw you back against the wall with his whole weight; desire left him no room for care. 

“In the nicest way possible, shut up.”

His lips met yours so ferociously they quite literally took your breath away. As he rid you of the Mercedes shirt you wore, he covered both of your breasts with his hands, squeezing tightly as he freed them from their cloth restraint. With your legs wrapped perfectly around his waist, your lips locked together, everything fell completely into place. 

“Make me…”

You mumbled the moment he allowed you to breathe. Your few words revealed a darkness in his eyes as he knew exactly how you needed to be made to shut up, there was only one real way to make you submit to him now and there was no fight left in him to refuse you it. 

“There…not so brazen now with my dick inside you, are you?” 

He wasn’t wrong, he had rendered you completely inanimate the second it took to bottom out inside of you, giving no thought for the intense stretch you felt in an instant. 

“Fuck…”

His face read the most devilish of smiles as he watched you struggle to adjust to him, you looked so meek, so innocent yet all he could think to do was completely corrupt you within the next few minutes. 

“Now you got what you wanted, you better take it like you deserve it.” 

You bit your bottom lip as your eyes widened, he hiked your legs up higher around his arms so he could get a better angle to make you really feel him. The stretch was more intense now, a sharp heated sting that you knew already you would be feeling for days to come. 

“Please…”

One little pathetic plea from you was all it took to make him have mercy on your desires and begin to thrust in and out of you, a feeling you were certain would never be topped already. 

“Baby, your pussy feels like magic…” 

Lewis groaned into your neck as he devoured your skin, pounding you like the wall you were up against wasn't paper thin and your colleagues weren’t on the other side. That was until you were both reminded of that fact. 

“Have you seen Lewis?” 

A team member shouted to you through your door and you both froze, praying with everything you had that they didn’t open the unlocked door. Whilst they would find out where Lewis was immediately, there would also be no way to explain away the fact that he could be found inside you. 

“Answer him before he decides to join us.” 

Lewis hissed in your ear instructions that he knew you needed, it was impossible for you to function without them at the present. 

“No sorry, I haven’t seen Lewis anywhere.” 

Your voice was a struggle as he thrust into you once more purposefully making it almost impossible for you to not moan out.

“If you do see him, tell him Toto wants him in his office as soon as possible.” 

“Shit…okay I will do! Shit, do you think they heard us?” 

You whispered to Lewis as you watched concern wash across his face. Whilst the both of you battled for dominance together, there was one person who ruled it all, Toto; even Lewis knows he isn’t to be messed with. 

“Maybe…I guess if they have, we’re in trouble already. Might as well make it worth it, right?” 

All at once you felt his hand smother your mouth to keep you quiet as he began fucking you with every ounce of pent up frustration that had built up over the past day or so. 

It was intense, rapid, every stroke made you feel so full of him, as well as awash with pleasure. He stared deep into your eyes the whole time, the ability to watch his lips quiver with pleasure told you that it felt just as good for him as it did for you. 

“Baby, you’re going to cum in a second…don’t scream.” 

His words confused you so much you frowned, you didn’t feel like you were, you were far too overwhelmed to focus on the finality. 

“Trust me…”

Somehow Lewis was right, your orgasm took you by complete surprise as he drew it out of you so quickly you had absolutely no time to prepare. Your nails dug into every little bit of him you could reach, but nothing helped centre you as the most intense explosion you had ever felt erupted through your whole body. 

He warned you not to scream, yet he did everything in his power to make sure you did. You fought it, you fought it so hard but as it laid on the tip of your tongue ready to escape into his hand, you bit down so hard on his skin that you almost broke it.

Lewis let out a guttural groan, one built from the pain in his hand as you tasted it, with an orgasm of his own thrown in, as he thrusted a few more sloppy times, releasing into you as if it was your reward for how well you had taken him. 

“Ouch…” 

He giggled as you finally released his hand from between your teeth, he shook it before examining the damage you had done.

“You told me not to scream…”

Suddenly a conversation with Lewis still inside of you, felt more normal than anything else. It was then that you realised this could never be just a Baku weekend thing, you couldn’t go back to just being his teammate now, not when you knew the power he held through the form of also being the best dick of your life. 

“I did, but I didn’t tell you to take a chunk of me with you.” 

“I think I have a little more than a chunk of you inside of me right now…”

It was then that Lewis realised what he had just done, releasing inside of you with little worry of the complications or consequences. 

“Shit…I shouldn’t have done that.” 

The urge to let him stew for a little longer in the panic you could see running through his mind at this very moment, was so very tempting. But as he let you down from where he held you against the wall, you pitied him a little. 

“Don’t worry, I am not stupid enough to let you do that if there was any kind of risk.”

“Good, because I don’t know how I would explain getting the first female driver pregnant.” 

The small talk, the banter, all of it was normally awkward after the very first time you slept with someone, yet with Lewis it felt comfortable, as you both caught your breath whilst tidying yourselves up as best you could. 

“I think I better go and see what Toto has to say now…this isn’t going to be pretty.” 

Lewis placed the most tender of kisses on your cheek before he made his way over to the door. 

“Lewis, whatever happens it was worth it…for me anyway.” 

You saw the effect your reassurance had on him as his face softened from a frown to the softest smile at you. 

“It was worth it for me, too. Now finish your prep, quali starts in a little while.” 

“Ah, there he is…”

“Who?”

“My teammate.” 

“Shut up...before I make you, again.” 

“How about you go and see what the boss wants and then you come right back here so you can make me shut up at least once more before we have to drive?”

“You are so fucking dangerous…”

“I thought you liked danger, Lewis?”

“I love it.” 

[caspersickfanfics]

Late Arrival Chapter 2

Read Chapter 1 Here

This was written to fill @monthofsick day 14: Can't Keep Anything Down

Prompt List | AO3 | Ask | Rules

Warnings: Vomiting, fever, nightmare mention, slight anxiety, bad jokes

Anon asked:

Could I make a request for can’t keep anything down with sick Cyno? I feel like Tighnari would try really hard to get him to eat or stay hydrated or try some home remedies but…Cynos stomach just can’t handle it right now…

Tighnari wakes, warm and cozy, curled up against Cyno, only because of his alarm. There’s a moment of disorientation, confusion because he isn’t in his own bed or even in his own home. He doesn’t often use an alarm, instead rising with the birds and the sun. There’s no birdsong, here. Only background noise from the city, and Cyno’s labored breathing.

The sound brings Tighnari both clarity and concern. He remembers why he set the alarm while in the process of blearily shutting it off. With heavy limbs, he stumbles around the place until he manages to grab a glass of water and some medicine from his own belongings, which still rest in a messy pile near the door.

When he returns to the bedroom, he hesitates. He loathes to disrupt Cyno’s rest. If he ignores the rattle in the his airways, the sweat on his temples, and the way his whole body occasionally shivers, the matra looks peaceful. It’s reassuring to see him relaxed to this degree. Outside of playing cards and eating meals, the two of them often spend their precious little time together snuggling or napping for this very reason. With the intensity of their jobs, they both struggle to unwind. For Tighnari, at least, there’s something about watching his partner sleep that helps rebuild a sense of safety. He can convince himself that nothing bad will happen to either of them when they’re wrapped up in blankets together, secure enough to close their eyes and sometimes, now, even dream.

Still, the last thing Tighnari wants is to let his sentimentality get in the way of what is necessary. Cyno is a light sleeper - that he slept through the alarm is moderately disquieting - so Tighnari traces the soft lines of the sick man’s face with a hovering touch and scratches his head. He barely stirs.

“Cyno,” Tighnari speaks quietly, absently teasing white hair. The fever has risen. His voice is an odd pitch and louder than he intended when he speaks again. “Hey, Cyno. Wake up.”

There’s an incoherent mumble, muffled by blanket. Tighnari peels layers of off him and Cyno makes a noise of distaste.

“I know.” A slight note of regret shimmers in the air, but apology loses in the war against pragmatism, at least for Tighnari. “We need to get your fever down.”

“’s too cold,” the matra slurs. His hands grasp at the air blindly, no doubt seeking the covers.

Tighnari nods and helps him to sit up. “Chills,” he explains. “From the fever.” He mixes the medicine in - a natural herbal powder that’s meant to lower and stabilize body temperature - before handing the glass over. “This might taste a bit odd, but it should help. Do you think you can keep medicine down right now?”

Cyno nods, looking suspiciously more determined than he does confident. His hands shake as he takes the glass, so Tighnari helps guide it to his lips. “Drink slowly. Just a few sips is enough.”

“A few sips” is all it takes for Cyno to clamp his mouth tightly shut. His throat bobs threateningly and he leans back, eyes closed. He’s clearly trying to keep his stomach under control, but he’s so feverish that he can hardly hold his head up.

“Breathe in through your nose. Slowly,” Tighnari instructs. He reaches for the trashcan beside the bed and pulls it close. When Cyno lurches forward with an aborted heave, tears escaping out of the corners of his eyes, Tighnari sighs and lifts the bin onto the bed.

“It’s okay, Cyno.” He brushes sweaty hair away from his partner’s face. Cyno shakes his head and Tighnari can’t help but smile fondly. Stubborn as usual. Sure enough, though, it doesn’t take long before a coughing fit racks Cyno’s body. Tighnari helps him lean forward and rubs his back, wincing as he begins to retch. Inevitably, the fluids come right back up, splattering against the plastic. Cyno continues to gag, his body straining unforgivingly until there’s another splash of liquid. He groans, shudders, and flops back onto the pillow behind him. “I’m sorry,” he sniffles miserably, rubbing at wet eyes and coughing weakly. 

“Hey,” Tighnari looks at him sternly. “It’s not your fault. The medicine must have been too much.”

Cyno might agree, if he had the energy, but he’s too busy trying to prevent his teeth from chattering.

“I’m going to get some plain water. When you’re ready, we can try that, okay?” 

Tighnari looks painfully hopeful, but Cyno can’t even bring himself to nod. His stomach aches, hollow and angry. Now that it’s been upturned, it refuses to settle. He’s left burping up rancid air, drool pooling in his mouth until he’s spitting it into the waste bin. He’s suffering through lingering dry heaves when his partner returns.

“Oh, no.” There’s a clink as Tighnari puts the glass aside in favor of rubbing Cyno’s back through each painful retch. It’s a sweet gesture, both grounding and comforting. It’s nice not to be alone. Tighnari nudges him and offers a glass of water once his stomach lets up. “Just rinse your mouth out, for now.”

It doesn’t take the nausea away by any means - queasy tremors still rattle through him relentlessly - but Cyno feels moderately more human once the nasty taste has lessened. His eyelids droop. 

“Cyno, honey,” Tighnari says. Cyno’s thoughts are a fog of confusion, but his chest warms pleasantly. It’s not common for Tighnari to use terms of endearment, even when they’re alone. The mood is quickly dampened by his next words. “Do you feel up to a bit of water?”

Cyno can’t help the pitiful whine that escapes him. “Sleep.” He’s halfway to begging and hates how fragile his voice sounds. Then Tighnari’s hand is weaving through his hair, feeling like salve on a burn wound.

“Soon,” Tighnari agrees. “Drink this first?”

If Cyno were to firmly resist, he knows that Tighnari wouldn’t force him. He also knows that Tighnari is worried. He breathes slowly and manages a few sips. 

Instantly, the water sloshes in his stomach. That persistent chill is replaced as his body warms over uncomfortably, pricks of sweat forming on his temples. He closes his eyes and hands the glass back to Tighnari, feeling the forest watcher’s eyes on him all the while. Cyno suppresses a heave. 

Exhaustion weighs heavy upon him; he can fall back asleep, he thinks, and then it will be fine. Surely, it will stay down. That’s all he really needs - just a bit of water in his system to prevent dehydration, to reassure Tighnari. Tired as he is, sleep takes him quickly enough.

———

The next time he wakes, it's brief. No more than an hour has passed. Cyno is dizzy. He feels ill. He’s hardly aware of his surroundings. He doesn’t hear Tighnari asking if he’s okay, so he doesn’t respond. His stomach dips, and burning liquid hurtles up his throat, out his mouth and nose. Some clarity returns to him, then. He’s made a mess. His bare chest is sticky. He thinks he might be crying, because Tighnari is soothing him with great care, wiping him down with towels. Cyno is cold again, and very saddened to find that he still has no covers. “I’m sorry,” he hears Tighnari say, and then the world drifts away.

———

Tighnari watches Cyno curl onto his side, trembling, and aches. He massages the sick man’s back. Any patient unable to keep fluids down for going on six hours, at a minimum, is concerning, regardless of whether a bond with an otherworldly being enhances their body’s general durability. Tighnari’s expertise in first aid only goes as far as the tools he has at his disposal. If, for example, intravenous fluid administration becomes a necessity, he’ll have to drag Cyno to the Bimarstan, kicking and screaming - maybe literally, with the near-delirious state he’s in. Considering his traumatic history with Akademiya “medicine,” his reluctance is justified. In all fairness, Tighnari is also not fond of the idea, for reasons of his own. The Bimarstan is truly a last resort.

“We need to get your fever down,” he murmurs, mostly to himself. He isn’t sure Cyno can hear him, but he gives him one final head scratch before standing. “I’ll be right back.”

By the time Tighnari returns with lukewarm water and a few clean towels, Cyno has drifted off again. Even in sleep, his body shivers. “This is probably going to feel cold to you,” Tighnari warns. He’s relieved when, as he places a wet towel on his forehead, Cyno only shifts slightly. For the next few minutes, Tighnari works to cool the matra’s skin with the additional towels, careful not to dampen the bed.

There’s little to do after that but wait and repeat the process roughly every hour. The time passes slowly. Tighnari cleans the trash bin out and tidies the apartment. He makes mint tea, and then soup. He writes Collei and Kaveh with updates: he plans to stay in the city for at least another three days to ensure Cyno’s full recovery, and may stay longer if necessary. He entrusts Collei and a few other forest watchers to assist in covering his duties while he’s away. Tighnari aches a bit, thinking about Gandharva Ville, and he drifts back to Cyno’s side to, once again, simply watch him sleep.

This time, though, his brow is furrowed, teeth clenched. His body tenses and curls further inwards. When Tighnari touches his shoulder, he wakes with a gasp.

“You’re okay.” Tighnari speaks softly, watching the other man attentively. He’s still tense and breathless, but he nods. He’s trying to play it off. Tighnari lets him. He waits, giving Cyno space to calm his body.

“I’m okay,” Cyno echoes, simultaneously reaching for his hand. The forest watcher offers it without comment and waits for Cyno’s breath to returns to a more normal speed. Despite the nightmare, Cyno looks better. More lucid, certainly. Tighnari touches his wrist. “Hey. How are you feeling?”

“Better,” Cyno says, smiling. “‘m still sleepy.”

Tighnari nods, a sigh of relief shaking its way out of him. “I would expect so. Your body is healing, after all.” He checks Cyno’s temperature and is pleased to find that, though the fever is still there, it has definitely improved since a few hours ago. Cyno drinks water without complaint and appears unfazed afterwards. Rest really can work wonders.

“Tighnari,” Cyno speaks slowly. “Can the stomach flu impact your memory?” The question instantly shoots fear back through Tighnari’s veins; as though it never really left. His chest feels tight and his brows furrow.

“Well, you did have quite a high fever, which can have that effect, although it’s highly unusual and would be cause for concern. Why? What’s going on?”

Cyno’s expression changes minutely. He doesn’t smile, but the glimmer in his eye is the equivalent of a smirk. Tighnari realizes what’s coming a second too late to interject. “It’s just that, I once heard a pun about amnesia, but I can’t remember how it goes.”

Tighnari groans. He knows his expression is blatantly fond, so he hides his face in his hands. It’s reassuring that Cyno is joking again - albeit less so that it may be at the cost of Tighnari’s sanity.

“What?” Cyno continues. “A little joke when you're sick never hurt antibody.”

“Stop.”

“Fine. I have a joke about the flu but I’d hope you don’t “get it,” anyway.”

Tighnari gives up. He rolls his eyes and simply doesn’t respond, letting Cyno rattle off some justification as to why puns are hilarious. The frustrating thing is that the jokes really have relaxed him, which was no doubt their intended purpose; silly as it is, hearing Cyno back to his usual antics has eased some tension that Tighnari hadn’t even noticed building inside him. Not that he would ever admit it out loud. For once, though, he doesn’t cut Cyno’s explanation short, content letting the words wash over him, even if he pays little attention to the meaning behind them. Cyno looks tired but proud as he wraps up his little speech, and Tighnari doesn’t hide his affection this time.

It’s only another 30 minutes or so before Cyno falls back asleep, but he’s been able to keep the water and a bowl of soup down for the duration. With the worst of his worries placated, the exhaustion catches up to Tighnari all at once. He snuggles in next to Cyno. If he can’t stay awake to watch him rest, then sleeping right beside him is the next best thing.

———

Chapter 3

———

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[spoonsforminutes]

tw: vent, current events

ever since the beginning of the year, i’ve been trying to stay afloat and stay alive. being in survival mode is my all-time normal bc no one thought to make my life easier by helping me eliminate stress. which ofc not bc actually my entire family has been emotionally abusive and neglectful. it’s not in the DSM but i have no doubt my severe depression and anxiety is just complex PTSD. my social anxiety has gotten to such severe threat lives bc i don’t feel like i can trust anyone to not hurt me. and obviously a lot of that comes from my family bullying me and denying me my humanity. i feel intense shame and anger at myself for simply existing bc i grew up believing that i didn’t matter and that if i wanted anything i had to do it myself. it’s exhausting but i’ve been working my ass off to make life better for myself for 15 yrs, and yet i’m still poor, starving, and depressed with no irl social support (at least from older adults).

Poverty does nothing good for anyone, and yet i feel like people are focusing too much on the cultural value of moving out on your own and making life work, but i can’t handle anymore fighting just to breathe in the next breath. unfortunately, i’m stuck in crisis mode. i’ve had two or more mental health emergencies (meaning i contacted emergency help) per month and i’ve either been turned away bc of healthcare bullshit or i’ve been told things i already know: eliminate stress, find social support, get resources for food and housing. I know a lot of people are struggling, but knowing that i had no autonomy in my childhood and NOW being told that i can’t have autonomy until i get myself out of poverty and oh yeah that’s fucking impossible bc of stupid men with too much money, too much power, and too little braincells.

Unpopular opinion but i don’t care if a homeless person or struggling parent steals something necessary that they otherwise wouldn’t be able to afford. like society is all fake anyway and billionaires certainly don’t give two fucks about workers. it doesn’t even really matter to them that every shoplifter be punished. America is an oligarchy, and i knew that back in middle school economics when we learned that legally, corporations are considered people. THAT was truly the trigger that lead us here, among other things. also along with my own shit, i’m super empathic and emotional so i sometimes will absorb someone’s energy so being around people has actually been worse bc my bad mood gets amplified by bitter, frustrated, and angry people. i hate every single thing about being alive, but since my story hasn’t been told yet, guess i just have to brute force people to care. so many people have assumed i won’t make it bc i’m disabled and doing STEM. buddy. i’m the most stubborn son of a bitch i know. not even pain slows me down.

[sincelastsession]

We need to talk about THE GRIEF CLOSET.

Also shit has been wild.

Dad is supposed to call ya'll tomorrow to schedule.

I think both parents think it's gonna go like past therapy sessions with other therapists.

I'd like it to go well.

I am going to let you drive the family sessions. I would like to discuss a signal or word I can use to let you know if I'm triggered to hell and need to use the restroom to collect myself.

I really do think that my parents need serious help themselves and I don't want to give up after one session trying to learn and grow and have better conversations and restart relationships.

They've done me a world of hurt so I can tell you I will probably not be enjoying myself but I'm going to try my ass off anyway. I'm far too stubborn.

They both do hold a great deal of resentment at me. It will be obvious unless they are masking.

As much as I'd like to just lay into my dad and am spooky about being around him...I need him to be hooked for another session if possible. I'm willing to take his bullshit complaints and valid ones.

My thinking behind this is if he has a good session and agrees to come back (because honestly I can't be around him by myself currently and I hate it)

Like I think if he tells my sister it went well then she will be open to coming in.

Like...he and her imo need anger management, intensive trauma and grief therapy, and to really learn boundaries and how to wake up that emotional intelligence and connect to core self.

They are genuinely miserable and insecure people.

I still love them and people ask me why...I don't know.

It looks to me like their mental illness ate them.

I'd love to also see if the psychiatrist there would consider a consult during a session granted that's possible. I'm not thrilled with my current one other than he's so far keeping me on anxiety meds so I can do my therapy properly without freaking out on you.

He did say xanax would eventually cause me dementia. I wanted to say GOOD I DON'T WANNA REMEMBER SHIT. I'm mad he discounted what else the medication helps me with.

He doesn't like ketamine and had a fit that there was no enough known and he didn't know abt it.

I fear he may be a bit too wacky quacky.

I tried to explain things Dr. Todd taught me while he was alive treating me on a monthly basis.

He told me to try medical weed then had a fit when I asked abt cptsd and auditory hallucinations. I've only had a few in my lifetime. He flipped about medical weed and how it fucks with xyz. Never have I ever had a problem with these meds.

I just thought I heard people talking one day. I stupidly asked him but I did tell him it could have been my loud neighbors.

Medical weed keeps me from having to take pain meds that would damage me worse. I didn't get to tell him I was going to order CBD flower to mix with it because yes it is potent...

I do understand his professional concerns but I think I know my own body and mind far better than he could imagine.

I've been on EVERYTHING. I've tried to show him my pharmaceutical genetics tests. I did Genesight and one from my Geneticist who is still on a warpath and my team to prove a ton of doctors wrong about things. She thinks I have some genetic mutations that are causing so many issues and if we figure out what then it's possible to get treatment for well whatever she finds. I'm thrilled to just know so I can shut my fucking brain up about it and be at peace with the findings.

Also I need you to hear audio I keep forgetting to show you. I need you to understand various things. It's all ugly truths. There's tons I'm ashamed of.

My partner called today and then spent the day letting me submit. I took pictures without my face and showed off more of my body. I need to process my reaction to that. He did nothing but praise me and tell me I was beautiful. It is hard to take a compliment or understand why people love my body that is constantly trying to kill me. I was told fat was bad my whole life. I can't go shopping for clothing without someone to tell me the truth. I did tell him I had a reaction to me pushing my normal limits and he did handle me with care and ask me if I was ok. I can't complain. I do want to be comfortable enough with my nude body to where I could do only fans or something like nude modeling for artists and I'd like to dress more feminine and slutty and wear a crop top and be unbothered by onlookers and ppl who would say things to me to shame me. I've been body shamed while I was on fucking steroids as a kid. I have a roll under my tits that only plastic surgery will remove after weight loss because that's what I look like from being told to "suck it in" I mean I was a child on steroids. My body was never good enough. I don't feel like it's mine. It's not the correct one. I don't feel like I belong in it.

Like I just feel like I'm piloting a Gundam most of the time if that metaphor makes sense.

I'm looking forward to finding out about dissociative stuff.

I don't think my parents understand anything about how much trauma I have and how much time it takes to heal 37 years of it and that that may not be possible. I don't know how to explain ANYTHING to them about cptsd. I'm "using it as an excuse" "holding a grudge" etc

In reality I'm telling them why I am having a response to whatever is happening.

I don't think they understand how it works with the brain. I don't think they understand my ocd adhd or autism. I don't think they believe me or hear me or care. I feel that they're exhausted with me. They are still trying to punish me.

I didn't make them do anything they did to me. I didn't make them feel how they feel. I often get accused of saying they're stupid etc but that's literally just them cherry picking and not actually hearing me or taking me seriously.

I do understand how they wish I was. I'm not that person though. I'm not going to become that person. I'm not an extension of them aside from the genetics.

I'm angry as fuck at all of them. I do very much believe my anger is quite reasonable.

They don't understand that I didn't have a childhood. I did what they thought I wanted or what they wanted. I was people pleasing as soon as I could understand that if I did shit that made them happy then less bad shit would happen.

They're fucked up people.

Maybe I'm batshit for trying.

Maybe you'll see the dead eyes they all have.

My friend's father who was just like mine but an alcoholic died recently. She is going through a grief that I fear I'll experience one day too.

I still don't know how to stop grieving people and pets that died years ago.

I've tried to grieve my dad and sister during no contact. I don't even know how to grieve my mom. She tries then she attacks me like I'm a trainer working with a terribly abused dog.

I think my dad and sister need a very firm "keep your hands and your threats to yourself" talk

To be told by my father that if I called the cops he would call the coroner and tell the coroner that I said I was going to kill myself which I never said and the coroner would believe him over me because I've been in psychwards and he hasn't.

He's used that threat and he's threatened to destroy my property and beat the fuck out of me if I called the cops so at least he got some hits in before they hauled him off.

It's baffling to my friends that also have abusive parents...because their parents look CHILL compared to mine.

My dad bitches about the house being gross but if it was spotless and organized would he be happy? I doubt it. He's very insecure like my sister.

I really don't understand why it's so hard for some people to be vulnerable. I've only seen my father cry once. My mom insulted his dead mother who had literally just died.

I don't know why I care about people who have done nothing but abuse the fuvk out of me.

I really do want to just live my life and I feel very stuck.

They tend to overcomplicate things and think they know best for me. They get insulted and berate me before they hear me out.

They generally have more of an attention span and listen better with professionals.

I am not impressive enough to be heard. I'm not respected. I've been given no respect. I've been given no choices that are really choices. Fuck me if I don't like it.

I still feel every single painful thing that's been said and done to me. The body does keep the score. Fuck that author tho. Book is a good explanation. Guy is a hypocrite.

I've tried to explain all the things to them.

I've tried. Like I said I'm very stubborn or part of me is.

[capricores]

How do you feel about the relationship between scorpio x taurus?

i LOVE scorpio x taurus connections! i think scorpio and taurus placements (namely taurus sun x scorpio sun, taurus rising x scorpio rising, taurus sun x scorpio venus / scorpio sun x taurus venus) flow so beautifully together (i would be more cautious towards taurus mercury x scorpio mercury or scorpio mars x taurus mars; their harsh traits may clash too much here). they're opposite signs, which to me means they're two sides of the same coin, or two pieces in the same puzzle.

here's why they work:

VALUES | scorpio and taurus energy, especially in sun/venus, hold the same core values in their connections. number one thing to the both of them is unwavering loyalty and honesty. these signs have major trust issues (we'll touch more on this in the negatives section to follow), but because they're both such upfront authentic individuals, they feel at ease around each other - they can clearly see the loyalty and supportive nature one another carries, allowing them to finally feel their hearts are safe with another person.

INTENSITY | i think we all hear a lot about scorpio intensity in romance - and it's true. but a lot of people don't mention that taureans are about that same level of intensity when it comes to relationships. these two signs are both all-in, all or nothing type of individuals. they're protective, they're committed. when they know, they know. when scorpio and taurus get together for the first time, i think they experience a feeling of mutual love, intensity, and safety that they could never experience with another placement. the depth to these signs love is nearly unmatchable.

HOMEBODIES + SIMILAR ENERGY | taurus and scorpio are generally homebodies; and they generally just do not like people lol. they do well with other individuals who prefer to stay at home doing puzzles or playing videos games rather than going to a club or a party. this is where they just fit together; they meet and realize they have very similar ideas of comfort and relaxation. they also have very similar energy levels (scorpio's being a bit higher), they're not going to be exhausted by the other person having a much higher social drive, for example. they tend to run on the same wavelength majority of the time.

CALM TO THEIR STORM | these two have a beautiful natural balance. scorpio tends to overthink far too much, stress too much, worry too much, etc. taurus tends to be slower-paced, thoughtful - they bring so much calm to scorpio's racing mind. they're able to say just the right things that bring scorpio a newfound sense of relief; and reliable, logical situations to their stresses (which is what scorpio prefers over comfort, generally). on the other hand, scorpio brings a more fire-starting energy towards taurus. sometimes, taurus can be passive and slow, dodge opportunities out of fear and anxiety around change. scorpio is their biggest fan, who not only encourages them to take necessary risks, but provides them with a feeling of comfort and security while doing so. on top of this, scorpio goes out of their way to help taurus realize their potential and think beyond their typical box/scope of comfort; helping them plan along the way.

here's why they don't work (usually undeveloped):

TRUST ISSUES | when undeveloped, taurus and scorpio (especially scorpio) are very untrusting, they're extremely calculated and suspicious individuals who do not open up easily. they may never reach a fully open relationship due to their owns intense fears of vulnerability and rejection. their untrusting nature may make them constantly accuse one another - and since both scorpio and taurus' top pet peeve is being falsely accused - this never ends well.

STUBBORN | plain and simple, we have two fixed signs. these signs are hard-headed, they always think they're right, and they're slow to admit when they're not (if they ever do). unless these two have mastered assertive, non-accusatory communication, they can be in for a lot of intense disagreement. if they have any difference in their wants, needs, values - it's going to be really hard for these two to compromise and make sacrifices, probably two of the worst signs to get to meet in the middle - they both have a "my way or the highway" mindset.

JEALOUSY | these signs are protective - they're also jealous. jealousy is not inherently bad (in my opinion), but undeveloped? that's when jealousy is toxic, controlling, intrusive and unhealthy. scorpio and taurus have extremely bad jealous habits and behaviors when they aren't developed. they may try to restrict one another's freedoms, become passive-aggressive, accusatory, etc if they don't control this jealousy. the mutual jealousy can also easily turn into an unhealthy relationship in which they make minimal contact with others outside of their relationship (aka no friends but one another, by choice).

SPEED | this is minor, and not hugely relationship-crumbling, but worth mentioning. scorpio is water - although fixed, scorpio is free-flowing like a river. scorpio cannot be controlled and scorpio likes to move fast. taurus is fixed earth. taurus does not move, does not change. if taurus changes, it takes a season - or two. taurus may take too long to make moves, decisions, etc. taurus may even TALK too slowly, to the point where scorpio gets frustrated (more common w/ mercury). this will be worsened by a scorpio with a lot of sagittarius placements, or any mutable placements in general. a scorpio with libra placements will be less bothered by this. on the other hand, taurus may find scorpio gets too serious too quickly/becomes overbearing - and it can really freak them out when they're rushed into something they aren't ready for.

CONTROL | continuation of my last point: taurus and scorpio both like to be in control. for taurus, it's more than they are unchanging, and like securing their environment. if scorpio is doing things that they see as a threat to security, they will try to reign scorpio in - which will cause distance and distaste from scorpio. on the other hand, scorpios can also be extremely controlling; and taureans hate being told what to do - so you can see the potential for things to get messy fast.

[ apologies for any typos, brain fog day for me ]

[purplespaceace]

very few characters actually have adhd in media, and when they do, what people mean by that is just that they fidget a lot, not that they have adhd. the only character with adhd I can think of where I’ve watched/read it and I’ve gone, “oh, this character actually has adhd” is Jake peralta from Brooklyn 99. so, here’s my take on how to write adhd, with examples from Brooklyn 99.

I’ll do the best I can to separate them into three categories; the three things people look for in adults with ADHD, which are rejection sensitivity dysphoria, an interest-based nervous system, and emotional hyperarousal.

I’ll also randomly bold and italicize bits so people with ADHD can actually read it.

Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria, or RSD

Rejection sensitivity dysphoria makes people with ADHD overly sensitive to criticism, even if they perceive a rejection and there actually isn’t one. Their emotions are also very strong generally. Because of RSD, people with ADHD become people-pleasers and can develop anxiety because they’re so eager to please.

For me, RSD makes me cry an embarrassing amount for any little reason. in your writing, make your characters overdramatic, criers, and/or people-pleasers. They’ll have trouble saying no. They may also be over competitive, as their perceived rejection may include losing.

how does Jake show this in b99? When Jake comes up with a catchphrase and Rosa says it’s terrible, jake is far more hurt than he should be. He hates losing, and he gets overly upset whenever someone says they don’t like him or don’t trust him, etc. he’s also a people pleaser who has trouble saying no.

An interest-based nervous system

An interest-based nervous system includes hyperfocuses and an inability to pay attention. It stems from the fact that we can’t make as much dopamine as neurotypicals. This means that while neurotypicals get dopamine after completing a task, people with ADHD don’t. That means that people with ADHD don’t have any reason to do tasks, especially those they don’t like. This leads to executive dysfunction—people with ADHD will know they have to or want to do something, but they can’t seem to do it. people with ADHD hyperfocus on things that bring them dopamine. I was obsessed with warrior cats for three years. But hyperfocuses can also last a short amount of time—I’ll have a drawing idea in the middle of class and won’t be able to concentrate on anything else before I finish it. this is where our impulsiveness comes from. we can leap into things we think will give us dopamine without thinking, which can lead to injury. We also tend to tell people personal things they don’t want to hear because of this, and don’t have very good boundaries. We sometimes say whatever comes into our head, which can also result in us being rude on accident. Our voices can also get very loud or we can interrupt people frequently because we’re so impulsive. When people with ADHD hyperfocus, they can forget about anything else. I’ll forget to eat if I’m busy reading a Wikipedia article about feminism in the 1850s, and won’t go to the bathroom or drink water either. It’s also important to note that taking away distractions doesn’t help, because we can do things like pick at our skin and daydream—something that people with ADHD do a lot of. Because of executive dysfunction, people can call people with ADHD lazy or irresponsible.

people with ADHD can also be extremely indecisive because ADHD affects our executive functioning, and making decisions requires planning and prioritizing, and task initiation, which are both executive functions!

people with ADHD also have poor memory for important things, but tend to remember random bits of trivia. Poor memory leads to object permanence problems, which means people with ADHD can forget to call a friend back for weeks, forget that they need to read library books in a closed cabinet, or forget that the vegetables they got will go bad. People can sometimes say that people with ADHD don’t care about anything because of this.

people with ADHD can also be prone to depression because of under or overstimulation. Boredom feels painful for people with ADHD. If we’re overstimulated, we can experience sensory overload—if things are too bright or too loud, if too many things are touching us at once—often it’s not because the thing is too intense, but because too many things are happening at once.

We also have something some people call dolphin brain, where we jump from one thing to another. From the outside, it looks really random, but I find that when I’m talking to another neurodivergent communication is generally easier. For instance, someone with ADHD might see a bee at a baseball field and tell their team about the time they saw whales at seaworld because their little brother was also stung by a wasp there. people will see no connection on the outside, but it makes perfect sense to the person with ADHD.

people with ADHD can also be overachievers, either because they hyperfocus on schoolwork or their RSD makes it so that failing at something isn’t an option. people with ADHD can also be very controlling and stubborn, probably because we hyperfocus on something and cant handle it being any different, and any change to our plans can be seen as rejection.

we can also have a hard time ordering our thoughts or doing stuff like math in our head. a lot of the time I number my thoughts like, 1. this reason, 2. this reason, etc. even if theres only two or sometimes I just need the 1. as a transition for my brain. when I don’t write it down or organize it like that it feels like I’m trying to grasp ropes that have been covered in oil (it’s not going to happen) and then my brain gets all jumbled and I have to restart at the beginning. this is probably just me, but it feels the same way when I’m reading long paragraphs of something uninteresting, or even short bits of historical documents because the way they phrase things is really pompous and hard to process.

also, stuff like caffeine calms us down and helps us focus. people who don’t take medication (me) often drink coffee or caffeinated sodas to focus.

another random tip, but if your character with ADHD also is genderfluid or genderflux, they might have a hard time figuring out their gender sometimes, because we can be known to have a hard time putting our feelings into words or our brains will just go, “nope, not thinking about that right now” and move on, which can be pretty frustrating.

people with adhd also have a trait called time blindness, where we have no idea how long something takes and therefore can’t manage our time very well. this often results in us being late or just sitting around the house because we got ready way too early.

we also have something called consequence blindness—we do things and are completely unaware of the consequences. if I don’t brush my teeth, I get cavities. but I don’t think about that when I’m deciding I’m too tired to brush my teeth.

in b99, jake regularly stays up all night solving cases and watches documentaries on random topics. He’s also very distractible—when they’re trying to find the person who sent Captain Holt death threats in the train yard, Jake says he and captain holt should take a train trip together sometime. Jake says that he’ll forget Amy if they don't work together because he’s like a goldfish.

Emotional hyperarousal

This is the only thing people tend to include when writing characters: the fidgeting. People with ADHD tend to need more stimulation than others, so we’ll do things like draw during class and chew on pens.

people with ADHD can also have apd, or auditory processing disorder. we tend to watch shows with subtitles on and may take a second to process what you’re saying, or hear it wrong. The subtitles thing may be partially do to creating just the right amount of stimulation, but if I don’t have subtitles, me and my other friends with ADHD will watch tv with the volume turned up very high. People with ADHD also can have a hard time interpreting other people‘s tone and have a hard time controlling their own. They can be bad at social cues and have poor manners because we don’t pick up on that stuff.

people with ADHD also tend to observe everything or nothing at any given time, mostly based on the amount of stimulation they have—if they dont have a lot in their main task, they’ll need to take in something else at the same time. Likewise, if I’m hyperfocusing on something I often don’t notice anything else, like if someone asks me a question.

in b99, Jake fidgets with things a lot. In the intro, he’s picking up and examining a figurine on his desk, likely because he was bored with paperwork or some other task.

[bakuhoes-dumbass]

Aberration - Chapter 1

MHA!Various x Fem!Reader

Thriller/Horror/Drama

Criminal!AU

Words: 2.3k

A/N: Yay, here’s the first chapter of my new AU! It might be a little slower at first but it’ll pick up the further we get into it. So I hope you like this!

Warnings: Yandere Themes, Mentions of murder, blood, felonies, bullying, swearing.

Disclaimer: I do not own the characters of MHA, just this story. In no way does this reflect the characters, writers or VAs of the show/manga. MINORS DNI.

~~~

Aberration Masterlist/Character profiles

~~~

In this world, mutations, renamed as ‘Quirks’, are abnormal. Only about 5%-8% of the world population are known to have these so called ‘Quirks’. You are a graduate of one of the most prestigious science tech schools in the country. You’ve been selected to work for a secret scientific research facility that houses some of the most notorious criminals in the nation. Besides their crimes, what makes these individuals incredibly dangerous are their mutations. After meeting these individuals, they seem to have taking a liking to you. That should make your research and search for the cure all that much easier…

Right?

~~~

Before you stands one of the largest facilities you have ever seen. You take a deep breath, attempting to calm your rapidly beating heart. Adjusting the strap on your bag, you make your way into the research center.

Upon entering, you gasp in wonder. The inside is huge, tall pure white walls that meet at a double paned glass ceiling. In front of you is a wall of security, stretching to accommodate the vast interior of the lobby. You walk up to the nearest security officer and give them your information. Thankfully, you were on a list and after checking you over, you're granted entrance to the building.

That's where you meet a man and a woman, both dressed in white lab coats and carrying clipboards. You bow your head to the two of them and they return the gesture.

"Ms. Y/N, I presume? My name is Shota Aizawa and this is my assistant, Momo Yaoyorozu." The older of the two speak.

You smile at the two. "Yes, nice to meet you. I'm Y/N, L/N, graduate of UA science tech. I am so happy to be here and look forward to working with the two of you."

The younger girl nods and smiles, gesturing behind the two of them. "If you would kindly follow us, we can get started."

~~~

"Ms. Y/N, here's the list of the inmates you will be working with from this point on."

Momo hands you a clipboard containing pictures and descriptions of each individual. Your eyes scan the information on the page in front of you, your brow raising with each word you read. "There is… quite a bit of information on these individuals."

Aizawa nods. "Considering how dangerous the subjects are, it's best to have every detail we can."

You internally cringed at the term 'subject'. These were criminals, yes, but they were still living breathing people. Noone deserves to be dehumanized, no matter the reason.

Shaking your head of those thoughts, you continue to look over the notes in your hands. One in particular catches your eye. " 'Multiple counts of 3rd degree murder by reason of insanity' and yet he's only deemed as a level 4 danger?"

The doctor looks over your shoulder at the character profile. "Ah, yes. Fumikage Tokoyami. He's an interesting one, to say the least." You wait for him to continue, but seeing as it doesn't seem like he will, you gesture for him to elaborate. "Tokoyami himself is actually fairly harmless and incredibly cooperating, which is why he gets a level 4 only. However…" Aizawa looks down the hall of the facility to a door near the end. "Dark Shadow is deemed a level 9."

Your eyes shoot up in shock. "Dark Shadow? A level 9? Explain."

"Dark Shadow is his mutation. It's a completely sentient being that he harbors inside of him. Highly dangerous, more so if there is darkness." He looks back at you. "I'll let him explain the reason why he was instituted. He always prefers to explain the story himself."

The more Aizawa explains Tokoyami's situation, the more your excitement builds up, wanting desperately to meet this man. This was such an interesting mutation and you couldn't wait to hear everything he had to tell you. You take a breath to calm your childish manner and clear your throat.

"If it's alright with you, sir, I'd like-" You look down at your clipboard once again. "'Inmate 06' to be the first one I meet with."

Aizawa nods and writes something down in his notebook. "Very well. Follow me this way please."

You follow the doctor down the long white hallway, your excitement growing with each step. Along the way, you notice each door on the facility that lines either side of the stretched hall. Each door had a narrow window towards the top and a small number engraved underneath. You don't take too much notice and keep following the doctor to your destination. However, an eerie feeling makes you freeze in your tracks.

You slowly rotate your head and look at the inmate's door you stopped next to. The color drains from your face as you see two ice blue eyes peering right into yours. It felt like your breath was stolen, a hint of fear and anxiety built up within you from this intense gaze. After what felt like hours, you snap your gaze back to Aizawa and Momo, who were standing in front of a door you were also supposed to be at.

"I would highly advise you to keep cautious while you are in this facility. While we keep all inmates in cuffs that neutralize their mutations, the technology has not been 100% perfected yet and parts of their powers may leak out. That is why we have additional precautionary measures in place for each inmate." Aizawa gives you an impartial look as you walk over. "Now. The only special precaution with Inmate 06 is the lights must stay on at all times. There are no light switches in his cell, so nothing should go wrong. But like I said, always stay cautious."

You nod your head at the doctor's words and turn to face the door. Aizawa places a hand onto the keypad next to the door, scanning his prints before buzzing and opening the door. You give the man one last nod before making your way inside the room. The room itself is bare. White floors, white walls and an equally white ceiling. Nothing was in there except a desk with a chair and a bed.

On top of that bed sat a young man with the body of a human and the head of a crow. Your eyes widen in awe at the beautiful being in front of you. Tokoyami tilts his head and gives you a curious look.

"Oh. Hello, there. I've never seen you before."

The deep voice of the man shocks you. You bow your head and give the bird man a smile. "Hello, Tokoyami. My name is Y/N. I'm the new scientist at this facility. I'm here to get to know and observe you all to help further our findings for a cure. I hope we can be friends."

Tokoyami blinks. "You want to be… friends? With us?"

"Yeah, of course. Why not?" Your smile never leaves your face.

"Well, maybe because we're all… felons? The greater majority of us being murderers?"

"I truly believe everyone deserves a second chance." You gesture to the desk chair, silently asking if you could sit. The man nods and you greatly take your seat. "Now, would you ever be so kind as to answer a few questions for me, Tokoyami? I would like to get to know you a little better." You take out your pen and notebook, opening to a fresh page.

Tokoyami nods again and you give him a smile. "Just a few standard questions first. Can you please state your full name, age and date of birth?"

"Fumikage Tokoyami, age 22, October 30th."

"What is the name of your quirk and how does it work?"

Tokoyami fiddles with the quirk-cancelling cuffs around his wrists at the mention of his quirk but answers anyway. "It's called Dark Shadow. It's a fully sentient shadow that resides inside my body. It can come out when I call call it or it can show itself on it's own. But it's always connected to me and cannot be separated. It…" Tokoyami takes a breath. "It gets stronger the darker my surroundings are. So the less light, the less control I have over it. If it gets too dark, it completely takes over me, no longer under my control."

The longer you listen to him, the wider your eyes get and the more they shine in wonder. "That is incredible! To have that kind of quirk is truly fascinating!"

Hearing your words of praise would have made Tokoyami blush, if he could. He clears his throat in embarrassment. "Why, thank you for those kind words. Though, I doubt having this...quirk, as you say, is all to be impressed about."

You shake your head. "You may not think so, but really, I've never seen anything like it." You excitedly write a few things down before making eye contact with him again. "Now onto my final question of the day. Can you please tell me the reason why you are here?"

Tokoyami stays silent for a moment, staring at nothing in particular, residing in his thoughts. You clear your throat and he looks up to you. You give him a small, comforting smile and it causes Tokoyami's heart to beat harder. For some unknown reason, he suddenly feels like he can trust you with anything.

"I've been charged with multiple counts of 3rd degree murder." He sighs, recalling that day. "I was invited to a college party on a date, by someone whom I had grown quite infatuated with. I never really was one to socialize and never really had any friends. But I really liked this person, so I went. At first it was going okay, nothing too out of the ordinary. Then, the host decided that playing truth or dare was the way to go.

 So my date dragged me to sit down and join them. Every time I was asked, I always chose truth. And everytime, their questions were about my appearance, my mutation. Laughing at all my answers, mocking my looks, talking about how unnatural I was. The more they asked, the more my anxiety and anger built up. But my stubbornness didn't want to show any weakness, so I stayed. 

Finally, I decided to just choose dare instead. At that point, I decided that nothing could be more humiliating than what they've already done." His sharp, red eyes flickered to yours. "Oh, how wrong I was. They dared me to go into the closet with my so-called 'date'. We were shut in and from then, they decided to tell me how this whole thing was a set up, just to humiliate me. That anyone with mutations like myself should just disappear because of how disgusting we are." He spits out that word like it was rotten food. "Remember how I said Dark Shadow gains control in the dark? Well, with my anger rising and the fact that it was almost pitch black in that closet, I lost control of myself and Dark Shadow took control of me. Next thing I remember, I was standing in the middle of the college dorm party, blood painting the floors, the walls, and the entirety of my class slaughtered."

You almost dropped your pen in shock but regained your composure. You give the poor young man a sad smile. He sighs and finishes off his explanation. "I was arrested and charged with multiple counts of 3rd degree murder by reason of insanity, considering I was technically not in my right state of mind at the time."

The two of you sit there in silence, basking in all this new-found information. You close your notebook and set your pen down, facing Tokoyami directly. "Listen to me. There is nothing wrong with the way you look or your quirk. Just because it isn't the societal norm, doesn't mean it's disgusting or wrong. Remember that."

Tokoyami blinks in surprise."Um, thank you." Those were the only words he could say, as how shocked he was at what you said.

You tilt your head and stare at him. "If I may ask, would I be able to feel your head? I'm very curious as to what your feathers feel like. It would greatly help my research as well."

"Oh. U-um, yeah. Sure."

You move to gently sit next to Tokoyami, so as to not startle him too much. You slowly lift your hand and place it on his head, eyes lighting up as you card your fingers through his feathers. "Oh wow, they're so soft!"

Tokoyami's heart speeds up, his feathers ruffling at your touch. He gazes at you with something akin to admiration. No one was ever gentle with him like this before. After another few seconds, you retreat your hand, Tokoyami almost whimpering at the absence.

"Well, I better get going. I have quite a few more things to do today before my shift is over." You gather up your things and bow your head at the half bird boy. "I greatly appreciate your time and look forward to our future sessions. Have a good rest of your day!" You smile at Tokoyami before heading back to the door and signaling Aizawa to open it.

"Goodbye, Ms. Y/N. I look forward to meeting with you again." Tokoyami watches you leave his room. Once you're gone, he runs his hand through his feathers, imagining they were your fingers.

As the door closes, you turn to Aizawa who gives you a disappointed look.

"What?"

"You touched the inmate. Why in the hell would you do that?"

You place your hand on your hip and give the doctor a stern look. "I was curious about his mutation and wanted to see how it felt."

He sighs and runs a hand down his face. "We try to avoid any physical contact with any of the inmates, as it may trigger something deep within them. Remember, Y/N. Every single one of these individuals are dangerous and unstable. Any abnormal behavior could result in catastrophic consequences."

You sigh and shake your head, giving him a chaste nod. "Yes, Sir. You're right. I promise to heed your warning and modify how I work."

The doctor looks satisfied as he turns on his heel and walks further down the long hallway. You quickly follow to keep up. "Now, on to your next subject. Inmate 04, Eijiro Kirishima." You flip the page of your inmate profiles to see a picture of a red-haired man. "He is of a higher danger level, so make sure to keep your guard up. And for the love of God, under any circumstances…

Do not touch him."

~~~

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