#but it was about people pleasing and neurodivergence. ah.

[good-beans]

Having a normal one (<- brain produced an emotional dream that's a ridiculously on the nose metaphor for something that's been on her mind rip)

[luveline]

If you ever start requests up again (if you don't thats fine lol), I'd wonder how Miguel would be with an autistic (or any neurodivergent disability) reader? Thanks regardless for the great reads you've given!

hi!! i don't have autism so please forgive any inauthenticity, but i have a frame of reference in someone close to me so I hope this is somewhat like you wanted! if you ever want to request with specific traits, please do! ty for requesting

"This is the worst thing that could've happened," Miguel says, furious. 

You, sitting on the table by his workbench, glance away from your book reluctantly. Your lips part, confusion a line between your brows as you ask, "Are you making a joke?" 

"It's hyperbole. I'm exaggerating." 

"I thought so, but it's hard to tell. You said it very convincingly." 

"Sorry," he says, glaring down at his broken doohickey. Useless plastic, useless screwdriver useless Miguel. 

"Exaggerating… you're upset," you say. 

Miguel is both surprised and not. He doesn't always expect you to be able to read him. Your autism complicates how you recognise emotion, but you're caring, and now you've been told an effect (exaggeration) you can identify the cause (Miguel's broken device). 

"I'm frustrated," he tells you, leaning back in his chair. "I really thought this one would work." 

"I think the wrong thing all of the time," you say, sympathy creeping into your tone. Some might think you're unemotional, and the reality might be true for others, even yourself when you're with unfamiliar people, but it's not true in this instance. "Maybe I can help." 

Miguel scoots back his chair and you stand between his thighs, eyes roving over the fragments of his device, taking everything in. You love engineering —your involvement with the Arachno Humanoid Poly Multiverse had been, in your own words, the best thing that ever happened to you, as it dropped you head first into new technology, better technology than you ever saw on your Earth. You spend longer than you should bending over books about science undiscovered on your planet, your life a pressing of hydraulics, centrifuges, holographic projection, and magbelt machinery that Miguel loves to play. 

"It's badly soldered," you say. 

He winces. No punches held. "I used to be better." 

"You're bad now." 

You asked him a while back to let you know if you ever stepped on his toes, so to speak. Usually Miguel would leap to agitated disagreement, but you asked, and he likes you. He explains.

"Ah, that hurts my feelings," he says, without heat. "I know objectively that you're right, but people appreciate fluffing when it comes to observational critique." Miguel scoots his chair back as you turn to face him. "It's okay. I'm not mad." 

"You're patient," you say, nodding. "Sorry. Fluffing… how would you say it?" 

"I'd say, your soldering is a little iffy." 

"It's a lot iffy." 

"That's the fluffing. A white lie. No one's feelings get hurt and the problem is still identified." 

You nod more. "I'm a little better at soldering. I can fix it for you." 

"Nice," he says. 

He stands up and squeezes your shoulder gently. Your face dips to his hand and holds it there, cheek pressed to his knuckles, a smile turning the corners of your mouth up. Miguel isn't expecting it, but he doesn't rush you. 

"Can we spend time together after we fix it?" you ask.

"If we fix it." 

"I can fix it," you say happily, straightening your head and freeing his hand. "I'm much better at soldering than you." 

Miguel's a prideful person by instinct. He walks to the side of the workshop where he keeps the soldering iron and associated paraphernalia, throwing a quip over his shoulder, "You think you're better."

"I know I'm better," you say, sitting in his chair. "Sorry. I know a little that I'm better." 

He should say, Hey, we'll work on it, but Miguel doesn't want to. He likes you just as you are, accidental insults and all. 

[limoki]

I said this on my twitter to bum-fuck no one but it's something I still feel so.

BPD (particularly Borderline Personality Disorder) has this really annoying consensus to it where "These people will find issues with finding and developing meaningful and healthy relationships" and most people will usually instead word it as:

"These people will never find a good friendship or Relationship."

or, even more annoying:

"Most abuser's have BPD."

And these are, by far, one of the most annoying, most harmful fucking things I've ever seen again, and again, and again.

Since this isn't twitter, I can actually voice my opinion on this without a stupid fucking word count limiting me. So! I have a lot to say.

I have BPD (again, Borderline). I am fucking paranoid if I'm abusing someone. I worry that I'm secretly not enough and that I'm going to be abandoned. I have sudden outbursts of highly positive emotions and also deeply negative ones. It's about as controllable as playing pool on a rocking sea ship. It's not that it's impossible. Just that I have to put way, WAY more work in to be considered what is the normal amount of an emotion to feel.

(I know that describing it like this is a loaded way to do so, but I don't want to get into what is considered normal by people who very obviously hate anything out of the norm.)

The way everyone talks about it, too. Fucking makes me livid.

This, got thrusted upon me yesterday. It really bothered me because:

ah, okay. Either all my girlfriends are just built different (good.)

OR

2. This person is genuinely being awful to his ex because they had BPD and don't know

And you fucking know what? Judging by what I was already figuring out (thanks to my one of my most wonderous girlfriend). It was probably, most likely 2.

I really fucking hate how BPD has become this fucking. Modifier that suddenly makes people hard to date. You gotta be patient, you gotta be gentle. The disorder is something, like all mental disorders, caused by trauma.

If you genuinely think this, ask yourself. Would someone with just depression be too much to date? How about someone with a disability? How about someone who is neurodivergent?

It'd be pretty fucked up to say "Yeah I don't wanna date someone with a wheelchair because they would be too much to help deal with their every day needs." So how is BPD any different.

I just want BPD to be treated like any other traumatic disorder, please. It can't be that hard to see it like this.

[yourlocalmerchgirl]

The War Within - Part Two

Briefly Joel x Neurodivergant Reader Then Tommy x Neurodivergant wife reader

Part 1

Summary: The time has come after all these years for you to face Joel again. But when a conversation goes wrong and leaves you reeling after he finds out you and Tommy are married, your fierce protectiveness comes out as you defend Tommy after Joel accuses him of taking you from him

Warnings: 18+ MDNI, Reader admits to not wanting to be alive anymore in the last, Angst- Lots and lots of it in this chapter, Verbal fighting- lots of it , course language and lots of swearing, emotional, talks of anxiety, depression, Panic attacks, Neurodivergant reader. No use of y/n. Reader goes by the nickname Birdie. Use of typical pet names.

A/N: I hope you all love this new multi part journey I've been working on, I'm extremely proud of this story. I understand that this storyline/ themes aren't for everyone.

There is a possibility for a part 3 if everyone is interested that would be a look at Reader and Tommy's relationship and the love they have for each other and how they take care of each other following the events in this chapter so please let me know if you are interested in seeing that happen.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Your chest tightens, your thoughts dizzying as you try to comprehend what Tommy’s telling you.

“W-what?”

“He arrived today with some Firefly kid Marlene hired him to transport out here to some base. He immediately started asking about you, askin to see you.”

The look of panic in your eyes as you try to steady your breath has Tommy engulfing you in his warm embrace pulling you to his chest.

“I-I don’t think I’m ready to see him Tommy, I don’t think I can handle it”

“Sweet girl it’s ok, but I put him in his place, told him he had no right to demand to see you and that you had the right to decide. If you don’t want to see him you don’t have too, nobody’s gonna make you”

——————————————————————

Joels zoning out during dinner, they’ve been in Jackson for a couple of days, him and Ellie leave the day after tomorrow and he still hasn’t seen you much less heard anyone mention you. He’s starting to feel like you’re not here but that nobody wants to tell him. He’s pulled from his thoughts by Ellie’s constant chatter.

“Are you paying attention Joel?” Ellie teases

“Huh?”

“ I said I made a friend here at the stables?”

“Oh yea? The kids here do seem pretty nice”

“Not a kid dummy, an adult lady. She works at the stables and the barn”

“Ellie what did I tell you about bothering the people here?”

“I’m not bothering her, she’s really nice, pretty too. I’m not sure how old she, definitely not as old as you because you’re like ancient”

Joel chuckles at Ellie’s dig at him, but she doesn’t miss a beat.

“I met her the other day, I was trying to find somewhere quiet away from the other kids to eat and I ducked into the stables and she was there taking care of the horses and she said I could hang out in there. She’s been letting me help her feed the animals and talks with me. She keeps telling me I can come back and she teaches me more about the animals.”

“She sounds very nice, this mystery girl have a name?”

“Here’s the thing, she said her names Birdie, which i gotta admit at first I thought that was a friggen weird name but then she said everyone calls her that because of her love of animals which i think is pretty cool!”

Joel’s in shock, his mouth falls open when he hears your name, hears that you’re still going by that all these years later. Birdie was a nickname him and Tommy had given you before the outbreak because of you love of all animals. He’s able to snap his mouth closed before Ellie noticed his reaction.

“She has a radio in there and has these cassettes that my friend found when we were back at the QZ that she lets me listen too.”

“You should meet her, I bet you’d think she was pretty cool”

“Oh ah yea maybe, I’ll have to see if I can make it over there before we leave. I wouldn’t want to bother her.”

“Hey will you be alright here for a while? I gotta go talk to Tommy about some stuff before we depart”

“Oh yea sure, I’ll read more of those diaries I found in the bedroom”

Ellie hardly gets her answer out before Joel’s grabbing his jacket and racing out the door.

You’re already upstairs when you hear the frantic knocks at your front door.

You’re shutting off all the lights when you hear another frantic series of knocks before you hear him.

“Tommy you in there?” Joel’s muffled voice shouts through the door from the other side.

Tommy glances up the stairs to see you peeking downstairs from the darkness.

“What’s going on Joel? Everything alright?” Tommy asks as he opens the door.

Joel says nothing, just pushes past him into the house.

“Please Tommy just tell me where I can find her, we leave day after tomorrow and I just want to see her”

“Joel I don’t know what to tell you, I don’t think she wants to see you”

“Tommy please” Joel’s voice sounding more and more pained as they moved around the main floor of the house.

“Look I’m not sure if I’m gonna make it back from my journey. I ain’t what I used to be, I’m getting old, I’m slower than I used to be, I can’t think as quickly. Don’t hear so well out of my one ear. Im failing in my sleep Tommy, every morning when I wake up I feel like I’ve lost something. Please. If I’m gonna die I don’t want too of never seen her again.” Joel’s voice cracks as the tears start to well.

You’ve never heard Joel speak like that, with that kind of desperation and pain.

“I-it’s ok Tommy, I’ll talk to him” you say from partially down the stairs.

Joel stops, heart beat racing at the sound of your voice.

“She-she’s here?”

Tommy nods his head.

“Stay in here and let her come down on her own when she’s ready.”

Tommy heads up the stairs to meet you, he can tell by the way the dim light seeps into the stairway that your already crying.

“Ill be right up here if you need me sweet girl” Tommy whispers as he places a silent kiss on your forehead.

You wait a few beats before you slowly head down into the living room, taking a seat on the couch. Youre so quiet that it seems as though you’ve popped out of thin air when Joel looks up to see you sitting there eyes glued to the floor.

“Birdie?” Joels voice is just above a whisper, but you still hear it.

You pick your head up to look at him but quickly whip your head back down because the tears start as soon as you make eye contact with him.

Joel slowly makes his way to the couch, so quietly it’s as if he might scare you if he moves too quick. His work boots, the same boots he always had come into your life of vision.

“C-can I sit?”

You nod your head yes, still unable to get any words out.

“Birdie its-its so good to see you, I never thought I’d see you again”

“You too Joel” your voice is meek, your trying like hell to keep it together.

You can feel his gaze on you even though you’re not looking at him.

“I wish you would have told me you were leaving, we could have fixed things…. We can still fix things. I just don’t understand”

His emphasis on we can still fix things makes the hair on the back of your neck stand up.

“We couldn’t talk about things without getting into a screaming match Joel, how were we supposed to fix things?” You say finally letting your eyes meet his, tears rolling down your cheeks.

You flinch away when Joel reaches up to bush the tears away, but a couple of his fingers make contact, smoothing along the curve of your cheek.

“Sorry, force of habit” you mumble when you see his hurt expression at you flinching. Never in all your time with him had you ever flinched away from him.

“I just….I just don’t understand why you left.”

“You didn’t see my note?”

“I did I just….I would of done anything to figure things out. I would of done anything to take care of you”

“You say that now Joel but do you not remember telling me that night during our last fight that you should be taking care of Sarah instead of me, that for the Hundredth time you were upset that I was crying during our argument. Reminding me that I was too sensitive for the state of the world”

“I will never fuckin’ forgive myself for saying stuff like that in the heat of the moment that I never meant.”

“I know and take responsibility for the fact that I was a lot to deal with. I’m not trying to blame you solely for our issues. I know that i spiraled when the outbreak happened. Forcing me to cold turkey not to have therapy, to not have the schedule and consistency that I desperately needed to making it through life day to day. I know that my panic attacks, anxiety and dissociative tendencies where thrown at you all at once when you where trying to navigate the loss of Sarah.”

You pull your gaze back down to your feet before you continue.

“You have no idea how badly I wanted to of had the chance to show you those parts of myself slowly, in a different way. But our relationship was doomed from the start, we’d only been together six months When the outbreak happened. Nothing we could of done to fix anything, we just weren’t meant to be Joel and that’s ok.”

Joel scowls slightly at you. You didn’t mean for your words be be painful but they clearly stung him.

Joel sighs, rubbing his face with both of his callused hands.

“ I loved you. I hope you know that”

“That’s unbeknownst to me Joel”

“You can’t be serious”

“I’m not a fucking mind reader Joel. There are times when I thought you did. But we were together for years…years Joel and you never once told me you loved me. I told you everyday that I loved you. Hell I told you I loved you even on the days where all we did was fight and fuck. The only time I ever heard you say it was.” You stopped your self before you could finish your thought. You didn’t want to go there, to dig up all again.

You should of known Joel wasn’t going up give up so easily.

“The only time you heard it was when?” Joel pressed, eager to know what you had to say.

“ it doesn’t matter Joel, just drop it.”

“No I wanna hear it, I wanna figure this out”

“Please Joel just drop it, it’s not going to do anyone any good bringing all this up again. it doesn’t matter”

Joel sits back a little bit folding his arms over is chest. “ please just continue I want to hear it”

“ Fucking a Joel FINE, if you really want to hear it. The only time I ever heard you say I love you to anyone other than Sarah was the night I came home to see you buried deep inside Tess. Hearing you call her baby girl, telling her how much you loved her as you fucked her.”

You’re seething at this point. Burning so hot with anger that you feel like you could just burst into flames. Joel on the other hand looks like he’s just seen a ghost as all the color drains from his face.

“Oh my god…you-you saw that?”

“Of course I saw it Joel, I came home after being out all night looking for you to that”

“That’s why you were weren’t home? You were out looking for me after curfew? You shouldn’t have done that, those places are dangerous, you could of gotten hurt without me there to protect you”

“I shouldn’t of done that? No Joel you shouldn’t of fucked another women in our bed. I’m sorry that I risked myself to search all over the dark and seedy areas of the QZ for you because I was scared to death about the fedra guards catching you and beating the shit out of you when you were likely to drunk to defend yourself”

“I can’t keep having this conversation, it doesn’t matter Joel because in the end you both got what you wanted, Tess got you and you got someone you didn’t have to take care of”

You can feel the panic seeping in as your chest tightens and your heart races. Your desperately trying to breath deeply, trying to calm yourself as the panic spreads throughout your body. Joel notices your having a hard time and moves to wrap you in his arms, to try to comfort you the way he always should have.

“Ple-please don’t fucking touch me Joel, give me room to breath” you breath out as you snap your head up.

Tommy’s there before you in a flash. Running down the stair two to three steps at a time when he hears your breathy tone. The way your voice sounds when a panic attack is coming on, When he knows you need him without you having to express it.

Joel watches how good Tommy is with you with guilt and admiration. Seeing how Tommy’s able to help you through your episode, with the care that he himself should of shown you.

But those feelings are quickly replaced with red hot anger when he notices the matching rings you are both wearing when you bring your hands up to cup over Tommy’s hands as he cradles your face.

“Christ are you two fucking married!” Joel shouts, unable to hold it in.

Tommy feels you tense and whimper under his touch as Joel stands.

“We are, but now is not the time to discuss this” Tommy says in warning as he looks up at Joel, but his hands never leave you as he smooths his thumbs back and fourth on your cheeks to sooth you.

“This is why you stopped messaging me back isn’t it?”

“Enough Joel”

“It is isn’t it? Because you were ashamed to tell me, to admit that you took the one thing I had left away from me”

“Isn’t it?” Joel continues to press, seeing red and really unsure about what he’s even saying at this point.

You let out a strangled whimper, all the yelling and emotions overstimulating you, becoming to much to bare.

“It’s ok baby, don’t listen to him, just focus on my voice. I’ll protect you.. we can get through this” Tommy whispers as he rests his forehead against your head. He knew he wouldn’t take it well, and he was prepared to take all the verbal jabs, all the yelling and anger from Joel. He’s taken it before this time would be no different. All he cared about was shielding you, protecting you the best he could. It’s all he ever cared about was protecting you, keeping you safe. Tommy was terrified how damaging this was going to be for you.

“C’mon Tommy let me hear you say it! You never could stand me having something you didn’t.”

That what the final straw for Tommy.

“Fucking a Joel that’s enough, I said! You’re really going to do this in front of her even though you can tell she’s distressed.”

“I think she should hear it too, because I really have a hard time believing she just left without being persuaded”

Tommy’s standing now, facing Joel and directly in front of you as if he’s acting as a shield trying his hardest to protect you from the blow Joel is about to deal.

“What exactly are you tryin’ to get at Joel?”

“She wouldn’t just go off by herself, she was always by my side, to nervous to wonder around on her own much less leave the fucking QZ without me.”

“Funny, she might of never left you’re side but you ever think about all times you left her fucking side Joel?” Tommy snarls. Tommy feels you gripping his leg from behind him at the sound of him defending you.

“She was fucking fragile, always havin’ those episodes…”

“They’re not just fucking episodes Joel, they’re panic attacks” Tommy cuts Joel off, getting madder by the second. The fact that Joel is talking about you this way, insinuating what he’s insinuating.

“My point is she was fragile, she wasn’t of right mind, there’s no way she would of just decided to leave. You were around all the time, you knew she wasn’t ok and you used that to get her to leave”

Your squeezing tighter on Tommy’s leg.

“Enough Joel! This ends now. Do you even fucking hear yourself?

You let out a strangled guttural noise as you gripped Tommy’s leg to stand up on shaky legs.

Tommy turns giving you his full attention

“Baby it’s ok, dont push yourself. It’s not worth it”

“No I need to say something that he needs to hear” you say pulling away from Tommy, your piercing hazel eyes locked on Joel.

“ Your not the only one in pain Joel, your not the only one that’s hurting, that’s lost a loved one or experienced death. Did you ever even consider what it was like for Tommy to loose Sarah too? Or how going through the outbreak and doing some of the things we’ve all had to do to survive could have brought back horrific memories of his time in the military?”

Joel can’t do anything but stare back at you like a deer in head lights. So you take a deep breath and press on.

“The fact you would even think that Tommy would be capable of using my mental state to manipulate me into leaving you is low Joel, even for you. Like I can’t even fathom that you think he would do that to you and I. I’m going to make something very fucking clear to, I’m the one that asked him to join the fireflies. I’m the one that showed up at his door that early morning after seeing you and Tess because I needed to get away and I had no other options. Because if I’m being honest I wouldn’t have lived much longer if I stayed at the QZ.”

Joel arches his eyebrow in a concerned manner “wh-what do you mean you wouldn’t of lived much longer?”

Taking a ragged breath in as the tears begin to cascade down your cheeks you reply.

“I-I I didn’t want to live anymore. I was being suffocated by life, everyday the weight on my chest got heavier and heavier. Somedays it was nearly impossible to breath. I didn’t even feel like I was in my fucking body anymore. So i made the decision to leave on my own because I was fragile, because I didn’t want to die but I wouldn’t of survived feeling like that. To hear you admit you knew how fragile I was, how off I was is a special kind of hell thats going to take me along time to heal from.”

“Birdie…. It hurts me so much that I hurt you so badly” Joel moves forward to try to embrace you , to comfort you but you pull away from him.

“I always felt so small and weak compared to you. All I ever wanted was a fraction of the love and support I gave you in return. For someone to tell me it was ok, that I’d get through it. Just someone to fucking be there for me. The love between Tommy and I came slow. I agonized for 2 years about leaving, feeling selfish for not being there to care for you. But I had to think about taking care of myself.” You said before running up the stairs into the dark abyss of your room.

“ I hope your fucking happy with the damage you caused with what ever kind of point you were trying to make. I suggest you get the fuck out of this house before you cause anymore trauma for her, because I can guarantee you she will be reeling from this for a long time.”

“Tommy please I…”

“ I’m not messing around Joel get the fuck out. I need to go check on her and make sure she’s ok and I’m sure as hell not going to continue to fucking go there with you tonight” Tommy shouts as he slams the door.

Taglist:

@hiddenbabynyc @frogjumps-world @kaleidoscopewritings19

@coolchris77 @caitlynsixxx @natasharoblesjoneshi @jarman147 @bobgirllll @lovelessamai @hydralicious-bucky

@bellaramseysbitch @rav3n-pascal22 @saltymagazinecreation

@oriborealis250 @tybsbnbn @mellowbananacowboybandit @f1shb0nez @d19evyn @cafeznha @gigachadcowboy

@racheldon @elkenenvy @mirandablue1 @jellybeanxc

@adrien8097 @sweetlemonade11 @clownd1ck @nightmarebeforchristmas @moravalentine @silv3rmind

@miniatureangelhoundsoul @nopenopenope10484 @harryscumcloth @morgaussy, @kalllistos @spikershoyo @musings-of-a-rose @alongfortheridereader @princessmk21

[hangmanssunnies]

Good Comes In 3

House We Share: Double Tap, Sfumato, Good Comes In 3

Summary:  You and Jake navigate what it means to spend six months apart. Then, when he does come home, you two have to evaluate precisely what feelings you have for each other and also what a future together could mean. You just aren't sure he will ever forgive you for starting a puzzle without him. 

Pairings: Jake "Hangman" Seresin x Fem! Civilian! Reader, minor Javy "Coyote" Machado x OC

Word count: 34K

AO3 Link

Warnings: Angst with a happy ending, Abuse (Implied), Slow burn, routines and compulsions, Jigsaw puzzles, Rejection, Drinking, Arguments, Yearning, Deployment, communication, Fertility problems, miscarriage (discussed), menstruation (discussed and lightly described), close female friendships, Depressive episodes, PTSD, roommates to lovers, love confessions, hyper-specific!Jake, Neurodivergent coded! Jake. Please let me know if I missed any for this part; I know it is a long one.

An: Unfortunately, this last part was too long to post altogether here on Tumblr. So I have included the first half here, the rest can be read on AO3 though. My first reblog of this here on Tumblr has the other half as well. I apologize for the inconvenience.

Thank you for taking this journey with me. Thank you all for loving this version of Jake. There were so many things I wanted to include and finish off for these two. While I couldn't include everything, I hope you enjoy what I did.

Thank you so much if you take a chance to read this work. I hope you enjoy it. My inbox is always open if you want to let me know your thoughts. Reblogs with your thoughts, opinions, and tags are gold to me. I love reading through them.

"Jake looked tired. Has he told you how he's been sleeping?" Marlee asks you curiously while chatting with you on the phone. The question causes your stomach to roll in a deep dive, and it takes you a moment to find the composure to respond. 

"No, I haven't heard," you manage to tell her. Setting down the piece of fruit you had been about to eat, you lean back against the kitchen counter. 

"Ah, well, will you ask him about it whenever you next talk? He wouldn't answer Javy or me about it when we asked."

"You and Javy are joined at the hip, practically the same person sometimes. Do you find that shocking?" You ask Marlee teasingly. Marlee chuckles at your comment. Her smile betrays her true feelings, though she likes how in sync she and Javy are generally considered. 

"We are sometimes." Marlee concedes but then says frankly, "But even when Javy had his individual call with Jake, he wouldn't say. And you are the only other person I can imagine him opening up to," 

"I'll mention it next time I talk to him," you manage to say. It would just be one of the many things that you were supposed to be talking to Jake about on his deployment. It was easier to go along with their assumption than to flay your chest open and let the hurt you felt pour out. 

Sometimes it's better, easier, to keep the kind of pain you felt to yourself. Bundled close and protected. To expose it would just make it hurt all the more. The idea of anyone, especially your closest friends, knowing you weren't important enough, or you had scared Jake away, or made some other mishap was mortifying. How could you go about explaining what had transpired? You weren't sure you could explain it. Also, Javy and Marlee had plenty of other things and people to worry about without having to add you higher on their list than you were already placed. You felt bad each week when one of them called you to check in begging, sometimes demanding that you hang out with them. 

"Okay, I'll talk to you later then, babes. I love you!"

"I love you too, Marlee," you say, giving her the sweetest, kindest tone you can muster up. You end the call and walk over to the chalkboard in the kitchen. 

Jake normally would draw seasonal decorations on it, but you had cleared it to be blank for notes months ago. The only thing on the board is a list you had titled: things to talk to Jake about. You add 'sleeping habits' to the bottom and frown. Reading through the list makes tears prick at the back of your eyes, and a lump forms in your throat. You hold the eraser poised for a moment, ready to trash the entire list, but you don't manage to follow through and drop the eraser, letting it fall to the ground. 

You walk through the house, checking the locks and turning off the lights. The sadness and frustration you feel in you is still bubbling as you pass where Jake had unceremoniously left the large Juniper chest. You glare at it just like you do every night. 

The morning Jake left, he'd woken you up with his thumb tracing your pulse point. His soft mostly lidded eyes trained on you, neither of you said anything just laying there quietly memorizing the moment. Neither of you could bear to get up until after the third alarm rang. The sun still hadn't crested the horizon when Jake went to shower. While he was occupied you stole one of his large Navy shirts that had been washed so many times it was soft. You are reluctant to leave his room, but make your way to the kitchen starting some breakfast and Jake's morning tea. You were just adding the dollop of honey he likes when he came downstairs, fully dressed and ready to leave you. 

Jake thanked you sweetly, with a kiss pressed to your cheek. In the same breath he tried to steal the whisk out of your hand. You danced out of way holding the whisk out like a sword to ward him off. He had quickly grabbed the masher from the utensil jar and brandished it in response. Amusement filling his features. After a small chase around the kitchen which included a small clash of utensils, Jake got his way. You loved the way Jake's eyes crinkled and how charming his dimples and smile lines were. It was a look you almost always got anytime you let him do things for you. Jake had still let you help though, asking you to toast the sourdough bread, while he whipped the avocado, goat cheese, and honey together. Once it was the constituency he liked, Jake spread it on the toast sprinkling some sea salt on top. He made one for you as well, but you had already started cooking three eggs for him, and didn't really have an appetite. After Jake ate, you spent every minute waiting for Coyote to arrive for pick up wrapped tightly in Jake's arms.  

"There is one last thing I need before I go," Jake had said. 

"I can't give it to you this time," you said muffled, trying hard not to cry on his whites. 

"Just one smile." Jake pleaded with his large warm hand lifting your chin so he could stare at you intently again. 

"No, Jake." He frowned at your answer, eyebrows pulling tight together. 

"I suppose I've reached my limit on things I can take from you." Jake puffed out with a quiet sigh. The tip of Jake's nose had dragged softly across your forehead before pressing a soft kiss to the center. He lingered there, breathing you in.

"Thank you for everything, my sweet," Jake whispered quietly. 

Your breath hitched in your throat, and you tried to pull him as close and tight to you as possible again. Jake allowed you to hug him, but he didn't relax into the embrace like he normally would have. He was almost stiff in your hold, but one of his hands traced slowly over your back in a soothing motion. When Coyote's headlights had inevitably shown through the frosted window on the door, Jake carefully detangled himself from your arms. He lingered though practically trembling. 

"I can't do it," Jake whispered, leaving his forehead pressed to yours. 

"It's not optional, and there isn't anything Hangman can't do. Let alone something you've done before," you reassured him. It didn't seem to work as he tensed up more.

"Promise me you'll be okay," Jake had begged you. You had nodded yes in response, saying the word would have tasted too close to a lie. Jake's nose nudged yours and he asked again. The second time was much closer to a desperate demand, "promise me." 

"If you be safe," you had compromised, wanting to savor every second ticking by that you would never get back. This last time you would be in the same space sharing the same air, for an undetermined amount of time. With a resolve you knew you didn't possess, Jake mouthed the words goodbye he was so close that his lips brushed yours as he did so. With a shaky inhale, Jake stepped away from you. His first two steps hadn't hurt so much, but the third as he exited the front door took all the air with him, including the bit trapped in your lungs. It was a sense of instant emptiness you had never experienced before. Everything you wanted to do seemed impossible when you couldn't even breathe. So there was no running after him for one more stolen moment, no collapsing against the floor, sobbing until your throat was raw, no more reassuring green eyes you could look to for comfort. 

The hollow feeling that nestled into you was hard to find your balance with. You had thrown the lock on the door and stumbled through the house, ready to retreat back into Jake's bed. Well aware his scent would be gone sooner rather than later, you were determined to imprint as much of it to memory as possible. You are blindsided by pain shooting up your foot as you unexpectedly stubbed your toe. Cursing and looking down you realized there was now a new piece of furniture. Jake had left a hand made juniper chest Jake left sitting in the area between the living room and dining room. On top was a small note card with a watercolor of two very detailed puzzle pieces. 

You stare so hard at the water colored pieces trying to parse their meaning the focus of your visions started to blur. The rapid blink forced tears to lubricate the area. However, when there is one tear there are others quick to follow. Just as a tear had splashed against the edge of the card you recognized the duplicates of the last two pieces you and Jake had double tapped into your last puzzle. On the back of the card stock was the drawn design of the chest, with all of Jake's neat measurements noted. You traced over his neat handwriting, and you were quick to quell your disappointment not finding more. That confusion and disappointment was impossible to ignore when you had gone to see what was inside and it was locked, the latch refusing to open. 

Now, after 6 and ½ months of radio silence, the chest taunted you. His entire deployment, there hadn't been a single word to you. Your only source of information was occasionally hearing from Coyote and Marlee about how Hangman was doing. And there was the memory of him, a large empty house, and a locked chest that was too heavy for you to move. 

You kick the side of the chest as you walk past it. It has become a tradition for you – this small abuse of the furniture while pacing before bed was a small soothing habit that helped you work some of your worries out. Once the feeling of missing Jake had settled into a dull, steady pain there was room for anger. You were furious and the only thing you had to take it out on was this beautiful work of craftsmanship. Unshockingly, the chest had been well made – because why would Jake make something that was easy to take your anger out on. He couldn't even give you that small concession. Even though you aren't as angry anymore, kicking the chest has become a part of your nightly routine. 

The chest didn't just bother you because it was locked or a surprise gift you hadn't asked for. It also bothered you because of what it was made from. The juniper wood Jake used didn't match the boards he used for the puzzle table, which was a more common light juniper. The boards for the chest were such a deep red it looked purple. Jake made it from one of the logs that you had helped him strip. Seeing the chest felt like a reopening weeping sore; one bleeding from a formally treasured memory that was nestled close to your heart. 

…

Saturday mornings were always a wild card with Jake.It was the one day of the week you could never be 100% sure what his plans were. There were staples you could expect like his morning run, but after that who knew? Sometimes he would have plans to see his friends, other times he had a project, list of chores, plans with his "little brother", manuals to read or some other all day activity. He liked it to be all day. So Sometimes you liked to just lounge in the living room waiting to see what he was going to do before making any plans of your own. 

 "Hey, I'm going on a drive and run some errands. Anything you want me to pick up?" Jake says to you when he comes down the stairs one Saturday morning. 

"Oh, can I come with?"  

"Sure, if you want. It's going to be boring though," Jake warns you. 

"No, it won't," You protest, standing up and stretching. "I'd rather be with you. As long as you don't mind me tagging along?"

"Yeah, of course, sugar. I never mind when you tag along." Jake says with a wide smile. 

"Well, what's the errand so I know how to dress?"

"I'm going to meet an old friend." 

"Oh my god. Please be less ominous Jake"

"What would you like to hear, sugar?"

"Who exactly are we meeting?"

"We are meeting up with my friend, Jess." 

"And?"  

"And, and, and," Jake says, twirling his hand around the air before dramatically pointing to his watch. "We are already 4 minutes behind our schedule. I'll tell you right now that this is cutting into our farmers market time." "Farmer's Market is on the list?" 

"Of course it is sugar. And so is Target," Jake says in his ‘duh-voice’ that you actually hate, but also you love because it reminds you how easy this is supposed to be. How it's not supposed to be a second thought. The things you like are included and planned for without you having to ask.

You are scrambling up the stairs to get ready when Jake calls after you. "You don't actually have to rush!! I'll make up time on the road."

"You know I don't support your excessive speeding Jake!" you call back, grabbing what you thought you would need. 

"Bring socks for your heavy boots!" When you make it back downstairs Jake is tapping his pen aggressively against a notepad. 

"What am I going to need boots for?" You ask him suspiciously while going through your items. 

"Do you want car snacks? I packed some, and we can always stop to pick something else up." Jake asks you glancing up from his paper. 

"We don't have to have snacks; I know you don't like eating in the truck." 

Jake just shrugs and opens the door to the garage for you. "It's not a big deal, I'll add the car wash to my list for tomorrow." 

"I also got your truck slippers so you don't have to wear your boots for the drive," Jake tells you. It's so sweet you want to grab him in a tight hug. You squeeze your hands tight instead, waiting for the urge to pass. Jake helps you up into the passenger side of the truck. Just as he said, the soft fuzzy blanket you like, and the slippers Jake got you are laid out waiting. Jake helps you out of your boots and into the slippers, setting them in the back seat for later. Once you are fully settled and buckled, Jake closes your door. He checks that the garage door is locked before jumping in the truck himself. 

"Was I quick enough for you not to aggressively speed?" you ask when Jake gets into the driver's side and checks his mirrors. 

"I would hardly call it speeding," Jake complains. 

"It's a number above the speed limit sign. Therefore, it's speeding." You say, explaining it.  

"I literally fly ten times as fast as car speeds. Well, more like 9.9 but still when you round up. It's ten." Jake responds, 

"That is no excuse to be going 120 miles an hour, Jake." You say while rolling your eyes. 

"I'm just saying. I am perfectly capable of controlling a fast vehicle," he argues. 

"That's fine, and I am not invalidating that. However, you know just as well as I do, that everyone else doesn't have that same ability."

"You are so sassy!" Jake teases, clearly deciding to let the faux argument go. 

"I'm the sassy one? Sure," you say sarcastically, drawing out the word. However, you also decide to let it go. Instead you enjoy the start to your drive, getting music going and adjusting the temperature controls until they are just right. 

"So," you say after a bit, drawing out the word. "What are we driving to do?"

"It's nothing," Jake responds with a shrug. 

"Really? Nothing is the justification to wear the work boots you got me?"

"You can't live with a bit of mystery, can you?" Jake asks, but there is affection laid into his words. 

"No," You concede with a joking sigh, "which is what makes you so infuriating sometimes."  

"I do strive to live as a man of mystery," Jake says amused.  

"Oh really, is that what your next move is? Retire, so you can become an American James Bond?" You tease him. 

"I'll admit it. You got me figured out. What gave it away?" Jake asks jokingly but not as quiet as bright as before. You shoot him a look, but his smile is still firmly in place. 

"Honestly?" You ask him hesitantly. 

"Yes Ma'am. They do say honesty is the best policy."  

"It's the fact that you refuse to grow facial hair. I'm convinced that it's because you want to save that for a disguise." You say, almost giggling trying to picture Jake with a beard or mustache. You expect Jake to laugh too, but he doesn't. After a slightly too long pause, he forces out a strangled laugh, and you realize that you've misstepped somehow. 

"Talk about it or leave it?" You offer trying to sound natural and keeping the pushiness you felt gnawing on you out of your voice. Jake takes a deep measured breath, exhaling out slowly through his nose. He drums a staccato on the steering wheel before responding. 

"Can we leave it please?" Jake eventually requests. 

"Facial hair or James Bond?" You ask, wanting to clarify. 

"Both, please." 

"Can do." 

"Thank you," Jake breathes quietly. Then he offers his right hand to you across the center console. You only wait a moment before slipping your fingers to slot in with his. He squeezes your hand affectionately and you both seem to take a deep breath to try and ease some of the uncomfortable tension. Jake's thumb tracing softly against your skin.  

"I'll tell you if you really want to know," Jake says a few miles later while his eyes stay trained on the road. You think about whether you really want to press him for details. As much as you want to know, you don't want to ever force Jake into sharing something with you if he isn't completely comfortable with it. 

"Nope, it's fine. Keep your mysteries, Hangman, I'll find out eventually." You finally respond, pulling Jake's hand up to press a kiss to the back of it, making sure he understood your innocent intentions. He chuckles good naturedly and his hand flexes at the movement, tightening its grasp on yours when you set them on the middle console again.  

"That's good. I appreciate you." 

"I appreciate you more," you tell him sweetly, though you mean it very genuinely. Jake pulls his eyes from the road to flash a heavy frown of disapproval your way. 

"I don't think that's possible," Jake says with passion.

You just shrug, letting the conversation drift to the next topic, just enjoying the drive with Jake. It is a while before Jake pulls off onto a private road that leads up to a massive barn, and you still don't really have any clue where you are or why. Jake throws the gear into park, the truck in park and shoots you an almost gleeful smile. 

"Jake, where are we?" You ask him again. 

"Just my friend's place," he answers.Then,while reaching over and patting your cheek affectionately, says, "You, my sweet, can stay here." 

"Do I have to stay?" You ask him nervously, checking the mirrors on either side of you. You know once Jake leaves the truck and into the barn you won't be able to see him anymore. The idea of being alone here, somewhere you don't know, even in the truck makes you uncomfortable. 

"I just didn't want you to have to walk through all the mud," Jake says. 

"It's okay," you tell him reassuringly. "That's why you had me bring my boots, right?"

"Yes, but you just look snug as a bug. I didn't want to make you move," Jake replies. 

"I don't mind, it will be nice to get out of the car. And I want to meet your friend." 

A moment later Jake is opening your side of the truck and helping you into your boots, tying up the laces for you and ignoring your protests that you are perfectly capable of doing that yourself. Jake helps you out of the truck and holds your hand, helping you walk over the uneven ground carefully. You can smell it before you see it. The fresh woodsy scent permeates the air so heavily that you can nearly taste it. 

Subverting your expectations, Jake does not lead you to the large frame equipment sliding doors of the barn. Instead, he leads you around the nearest side where there is a small typical sized door. Opening the door, Jake reveals a huge workshop. Half of the large barn space is filled with massive logs, planks, boards, and other cuts of wood. The other half is full of various projects, a giant tool bench, and shelving making up an impressive workspace. 

"Oh wow," you breathe taking it all in. You look at Jake and he is positively gleeful, maybe even more excited than a kid in a candy shop. His grin is wide, looking around and leading you a bit further into the workspace. A soft Jingle plays in the air, penetrating the otherwise quiet atmosphere when Jake closes the door behind you. 

"Seresin, that better be you!" A voice calls out from the back of the barn.

"And it if ain't?" Jake calls back playfully. 

"Then you should know, I've got a gun I ain't afraid to use, and you're trespassing." 

You almost let go of Jake's hand in alarm, but he gives you a squeeze reassuring you. He leads you a little further into the warehouse, and a middle aged woman comes in through one of the open doors. 

Jake lets go of your hand to give her a warm hug. She hugs Jake back lightly before pushing him away with a playful shove.

"It's good to see you too, Jess," Jake grumbles, dodging out of the way of her playful punch. 

"Hi, I'm Jess. It's nice to meet you." She says turning to you and offers you a warm smile

You introduce yourself a bit shyly, but feel more confident when Jake's hand slips back into yours. 

"Have you known this pest for long?" Jess asks you while gesturing to Jake. 

"Jess, be nice. I am literally your favorite customer and the son you never had," Jake complains. 

"Paula and I were actually very conscious in our choice not to have children, Jake," Jess says, clicking her tongue at him. 

Jake pouts and you can't help but giggle a little at the sight. "I've known him for a bit, yes," you respond. 

"Well, even if he is annoying, you've found yourself a good man," Jess says. You wait for Jake to correct her. When he doesn't you start to do so yourself but Jess has already changed the subject and started walking to the other side of the warehouse with a gesture for you to follow. 

"So, I got them fresh this week. And just like you requested, I'm letting you have the first freshcut pick, even before me." Jess explains to him. 

"I knew you loved me," Jake gasps grinning wide. Jess huffs out a breath at Jake but doesn't deny Jake's accusation which just makes Jake grin wider. Y'all walk to a pile of grey logs stacked close to the large barn doors.

They start a conversation that completely goes over your head, something about soil conditions, chain lengths, altitude, sap, and other details you didn't know impacted wood. You take this opportunity to look around the shop, and appreciate all the different types of wood and tools. You have only slightly lost focus when you suddenly realize Jake has said your name and is looking at you expectantly. He quickly picks up that you missed the question though, so he repeats it gently. 

"You should pick our first one, Sugar. Juniper was your idea." 

"Oh, I just pick one?" You ask looking at all the logs. Besides the fact they were different widths they all looked pretty much the same to you. 

"Yes, Ma'am," Jake confirms. He leads you to the ends of the cuts and starts talking about grains, and the potential knots and twists that would be in the wood when you cut into it. Jess leaves y'all to decide, saying she'll go grab her forklift to make getting the selections into Jake's truck easier. Jess declines Jake's offer to drive with a snipe about how he isn't forklift certified. Jake's muttered comeback about how he could be forklift certified if he wanted makes you roar in laughter. 

You eventually pick a trunk that overall doesn't look too special, but Jake said it looked like it would be easier to work with because of how sticky the sap was. Jake makes two other selections and also insists on helping Jess get the wood into his truck. 

Jess invited you to an early lunch where you met her wife Paula. Paula had clearly been prepared to host and spent the whole meal fawning over Jake. While Jess might deny treating him like a son, Paula certainly leans into it, and you can tell Jake doesn't mind from the glowing smile that stays on his face the whole time you're at their home.  

As promised Jake had planned time to stop at the farmers market, and an outlet mall, that included a target, where two do some light shopping. Finally picking up Jake's drycleaning on your way home. It's a fun day, and you were thankful you had decided to tag along.

"So Jake, are these for what I think?" You ask him excitedly when you have finally made it home and he is pulling the logs into the garage. 

"It definitely might be. After all, this is fresh Juniper." 

You stare at the grey logs of wood with their mossy, splintering bark that has already made a mess in the garage. Examining the wood you try to compare it with the Juniper you have seen in the past.

"I didn't think it was that color," you tell Jake scrunching your eyebrows together in contemplation. 

"Well, the wood isn't actually grey, just the bark," Jake explains. You watch as he pulls two pairs of work gloves from the workbench. He jerks the larger pair on, you realize with adoration that he had gotten a pair in your size. Jake doesn't hand the gloves to you, rather just leaves them out as an offering if you are interested in participating. The casual no pressure offering makes your chest warm and stomach flutter. Biting your lip you try to contain the grin threatening to split your face before joining him at the workbench and sliding the gloves on. 

Grabbing two chisels, he throws one on his belt. Then he picks up alo with two hammers, hanging both those on his toolbelt as well. You start to get distracted by the way Jake's tool belt sits on his slim hips. 

"Yes. Jess managed to expedite it for us in a special order. I'm so excited. You see, in the spring the sap warms up and it runs through the tree so it allows us to do this –" Jake explains to you. He angles the chisel into the bark, working it in. With a controlled hit from the hammer the flat head sinks in a little bit deeper. Wiggling the chisel makes the bark displace, allowing Jake to grab it and pull it downwards. A long section of the bark comes off before splintering and breaking off the log. The action reveals the light colored, bright, 'green' (fresh) wood underneath. 

"I can tell you've never experienced stripping before," Jake says cheekily while wiggling his eyebrows at you. You feel a bit amazed at the beautiful gem that's been revealed to you. 

"What?" you gasp.  

"Stripping is what this process is called," Jake answers while letting out a full bellied laugh, going so far as slapping his own leg. You roll your eyes at him but can't help your smile and excitement on joining in. 

"Some people strip wood with a power washer, but I think that's lazy. On top of the laziness, it prematurely ages and strips the wood of its natural oils, color, and saps! If we take our time though, we can get a longer lasting, vibrant cut. It's a lot of work, but I promise it will be worth it in the long run." 

Jake takes his chisel and edges it under the bark again. When he pulls the long grey strip of bark gives way with a crunch that sizzles against your ears. Jake continues to slowly peel more away to reveal the fresh color underneath, not pressuring you to join the process at any point. 

However when you do ask to help Jake is patient going over the process with you, explaining the best angle to keep the chisel. He provides steady guidance, only leaving you alone in the process when you tell him that you have a handle on what you're doing. 

You help Hangman strip one of the logs and just as he had said, it is a slow process. It is however extremely satisfying and lots of fun. He puts on a podcast after consulting you to find one you would both enjoy. At one point you accidentally dig your chisel too far under the bark and feel it sink slightly into the 'green' sap softened wood. Your heart drops, and when you peel it back you see that it has pulled a chunk of wood, leaving a gouge in the trunk. You freeze, noticing the damage of the mistake, pulling your eyes to where Jake is working. Just as you start to wonder if there could be a way to fix or hide your mistake, Jake looks over at you with a wide smile that crinkles around his eyes.

"Oh wow," he gasps, the smile falling. Anxiety claws at your throat, and you instinctively prepare yourself for something bad to happen, every muscle in your body tensing in anticipation. Jake's hand gently pushes yours out of the way and dips over the gouge pushing away some of the sap that was springing from the area. Jake clicks his tongue before saying. "Look at this, sugar" 

"I know and–" You are getting ready to spew the best excuse and explanation you can think of before Jake interrupts you. 

"I've seen this color juniper, at least not in person" Jake tells you breathily. You are momentarily surprised that his words do not contain any anger, veiled insults, or condescending tones. Then you remember that this is Jake, so of course you're not going to 'be in trouble'. It takes your eyes a moment to drop down to the thick trunk again. Where you had damaged the wood, it revealed a bright purple streak under the top grain. 

"It's purple," you say, eyes widening. 

"It does look purple does it?" Jake asks excitedly. "That means at the very least that vein will look like that through the trunk. If not all the pigmentation in the grain." 

"So, it's not usually purple?" You ask. 

"Sometimes red, but not purple. This one was a real treasure find, sugarpie" Jake answers. His grin was so wide you were a little worried about his face. However, before you know it, he is sweeping you in his arms and rocking you playfully while saying, "We are going to have to do something really special with this one."  

"Puzzle table," You say as if that was the most obvious answer. That was the whole reason he had gotten all these logs of juniper, after all. 

"Yeah, maybe for the puzzle table," Jake says noncommittally, though as he hums you can tell that won't be the case. He kisses your forehead and mutters a thank you.

Jake gives you another thank you, a little while later, once you two have started to work again. "We wouldn't have known about the color until I went to cut planks and then there would have been a lot less I could do to preserve the color." 

"I made a mistake, Jake."

"Not all mistakes are bad," he says kindly. "Sometimes they are just something that's meant to happen. They have to happen for us to learn something." 

"Says the man who famously never makes mistakes," you grouse back. 

"I make mistakes, but unfortunately, like everything I do, it's to the max. Either the best or the worst," he trails off with a shrug. 

"Because you refuse to be middling?" You ask him teasingly. You aren't surprised when his sharp elbow playfully taps into your arm, and if you bruise later-- it will be worth it.  

"We never should have read and watched Little Women," Jake grumbles. However, his open and light body language make it very clear to you he is being playful. You traced the shape of his dimples with your eyes enjoying the ease they brought to you. They seemed like the perfect place to rest your thumbs on his cheeks. It's nice how Jake comes with a built in guidance system. From his dimples, to the smile lines that will age nicely into kind crows feet all pointing to the freckle-mole by his right eye. You had already mapped out every place you wanted to kiss, given the opportunity. 

"You loved them both," you remind Jake. 

"Of course I did. It is a heart warming, stunning story. But you don't always have to make fun of how I teared up a little bit." Jake tells you, adopting a frown. Teared up was a bit of a down play on what had happened but you didn't call Jake out on that part. It wasn't a bad thing for men to get emotional and cry. 

"I only tease because you were upset about it for the entire next day. Which honestly was so sweet."

"It's not sweet, Sugar." Jake groans. 

"Jake, let's not do this dance," you sigh, rolling your eyes at him and turning back to your work on the trunk. You are much more careful now in how you place the chisel under the bark. In the middle of stripping off the next piece the podcast shuts off and some slow country music replaces it. 

"Now, Sugar," Jake says in an extra thick southern accent that makes you narrow your eyes. He eases in close to you and pulls the chisel out of your hand sliding it in his tool belt. Unbuckling it Jake sets it on the bench. Coming back to your side he takes your hand, delicately. Jake pulls your work gloves from each finger. Intentional and steady, the pads of his fingers brush against your revealed skin. He tosses the gloves to the side as well, and with your now free hands pulls you closer to him, towards the open space in the middle of the garage. 

"What dance exactly don't you want to do?" Jake asks you, starting to sway to the music and encouraging you to join him in the simple steps. Once you do he gleefully spins you in time with the music and draws you back even closer to his chest after. 

Blowing out a sigh you melt into his embrace. Dancing with Jake was different than any other man; he was confident and incharge, firm enough with his hold that there wasn't any space for you to really fall out of step with him, but he left enough room so you didn't feel like he was forcefully dragging you through the steps. He was good about taking the worry of thinking about the steps away from you, allowing you to just enjoy the movement and how his broad body felt pressed so close. 

"The dance where you try to sell some preposterous lie about not being a good man, and I have to convince you otherwise." 

"Ouch," Jake says. You lean back further resisting the hold he has in moving you. Jake doesn't allow the movement though, continuing to step dance to the music guiding you with him. 

"I'm sorry, Jake." you say already feeling a little bad. 

"No, no. I might have deserved that one," Jake answers, as the song wraps up, and you don't know what to say. He doesn't let go of you though, just adjusts his steps, leads his steps into the next one. 

"Let's find a different dance you do like," he says after a bit, shuffling you in his arms. "For example, we know you love the Texas two step."

"Do I?" You ask him with a laugh. 

"Yes, ma'am," He responds confidently, not leaving room to contradict him. "How do you feel about salsa though?" 

Jake turns you around the open space in the garage, going through dances he knows until you are both laughing. When he suggests cooking dinner and watching Dancing with the Stars for some new ideas you readily and happily agree, especially when he reminds you the logs will still be there tomorrow, and there is no real need to rush since you have at least a week until the sap is too dry to easily strip anymore.

…

"Marlee, your boss isn't going to pass you up for a promotion." 

"Well, she might if I'm pregnant," Marlee responds in a small voice that doesn't match her typical outgoing demeanor. You almost drop your phone but manage to keep your grip tight. 

"Marlene Machado… First of all, that would be illegal, and we would file a report with HR. And secondly, is there something you are wanting to tell me?"

"No!" Marlee says, "I don't know what you're talking about, me pregnant?! That's crazy talk. Maybe you're the one who's pregnant." 

"Okay, honey. Sorry, sorry." You sigh only partly apologetic into the phone. 

"No, I'm sorry." She replies in a quiet voice. "But nothing for sure yet." 

"That's okay, Marls. It's only been a few months of this new medicine."

"Yeah, well um I guess that leads to my next problem."

"What's that?"

"What are your plans for Saturday?"

"I don't have any plans." You say running through your mental calendar to check. 

"Okay, perfect. So, here's what Javy and I are thinking." 

"So Javy is involved?" You clarify. 

"What? Of course, he is!" Marlee says sounding affronted at even the concept of not including her husband, which makes you almost smile for real. 

"Okay, okay," you tell her with a small laugh. 

"We'll pick you up. Then we'll carpool to the airport. Don't worry I already made signs. Then we want to take y'all to Olive Garden."

You distantly hear Javy yelling, "When we are there, we are family."

Marlee takes a moment to giggle, "I'll make sure you and Jake drink a bottle of wine. Preferably one each. Trust me, nothing helps with the ‘we haven't seen each other in six months’ awkwardness better than wine. Then we will drive you two home!" 

You aren't successful in catching your phone this time and it slams to the ground. You're frozen staring down at it, only managing to shake yourself and pick it up when you hear Marlee saying your name in concern. 

"Sorry, the phone slipped. What was that?" 

"Oh no, is it okay?"

"Yeah, it's fine," you answer the pit in your stomach growing till it feels like it might swallow you whole. 

"You don't need help with anything for tomorrow do you?" Marlee asks worriedly. You take a glance around the house. You had worked hard keeping things orderly and together while Jake had been gone. You knew how worried he was that things would change while he was away. It hadn't been easy and there were a few weeks there when you hadn't been able to keep yourself afloat very well. 

"Help with what?" You ask, trying to get her to confirm what you thought you had heard. 

"Any cleaning or organizing or any of that. Groceries so you and Jake don't have to go shop. Javy hates going to the store when he comes home. I guess there is something especially frustrating about them," Marlee trails off. You can tell that she is picking up on your off mood, and of course she was. She probably expected you to be ecstatic that Jake was coming home, and maybe you would have been if you had known about it. 

You realize there isn't a way out of this so you have to concede a truth to her. You bite your lip and let your eyes frantically comb over the house again before finally whispering. "He hasn't said anything to me… about coming home." 

When Marlee answers you can hear she isn't on speakerphone anymore, and asks you quietly, "He hasn't mentioned it at all?" 

"Not a word," you respond solemnly. 

"I'm sorry for ruining the surprise."

"I'm glad you did. I'll definitely want to clean and shop like you mentioned. And as nice as your plan sounded, maybe not this time. You two are the sweetest ever."

"I still feel bad. Are you sure you don't need help with anything?"

"I'm fine, thank you, Marlee!" You were not fine.

"Wait, babes, I'm worried."

"Don't worry. I'll talk to you later, yeah? I love you!" You hang up the phone and stare at it blankly. Trying to process the new information you had just gotten. Looking around the house you realized you weren't even close to ready for Jake to come home.  

You spend all of your free time panicking, cleaning and organizing the house, trying to make sure everything was just perfect for when Jake comes home. You almost had a breakdown when you couldn't remember if the quilt on his bed had been green or dark blue when he left.. The smallest details were haunting you. You had spent nearly an hour working up the courage to erase the chalkboard in the kitchen. Worried that you would forget some of the more important reminders, you erase everything but what you deemed Jake needed to know, like things that had come up concerning the house. It leaves a choppy, oddly spaced list, but you don't think you will have the energy to rewrite it without crying. 

You were asleep when Jake came home. Waking up to sounds that are familiar and yet gone enough that they don't sound right, confuses your tired mind before you are startled into wakefulness, fully placing that for the first time in 6 months someone else is cooking in your kitchen. Your alarm is slightly eased when you check your phone and see a text from Marlee. 

We're here with a gift, come down stairs as soon as you wake up &lt;3

 While you were put at ease knowing some manic axe murderer isn't in your house, you almost feel like you would prefer that to what you now know is waiting for you downstairs. You sit in your room for nearly an hour trying to work out what to do, if you should confront Jake and how to approach it, hoping inspiration or bravery will strike you into moving. It never does though, and instead there is a heavy handed knock on your bedroom door. 

Taking a big gulp, not having the strength to find your voice, you slowly creak the door open. You lift your eyes up and unexpectedly find Javy on the other side of the door. 

"Hey, sleeping beauty!" Javy says cheerfully. It takes you a few deep breaths to answer from your surprise. You don't know what the look on your face is, but the next thing you know, Javy is sweeping you up into a tight hug. You are frozen though, still strung out on what this must mean, that Jake is home. 

"Is he?" You start to ask, but not sure how you actually want to finish the sentence: home, safe, okay, the same. Javy doesn't respond, he just squeezes you harder. You try asking your question again to get an answer. "Is Jake?" 

"Hangman is here," Javy finally confirms. 

"I thought it was going to be this evening."

"Some of his flights got shifted around at the last minute." 

"Oh. And is he..?" You can't finish that question either. 

"He will be okay," Javy says lightly.  

"Will be? So, that means that he isn't okay now." You grimace, worry flooding your chest that is already so full of hurt. 

"It'll all take us some time to readjust and recalibrate. Just don't push him, and more importantly yourself too hard. Okay?" Javy says pulling away from the hug after another squeeze. You nod numbly, not entirely sure you know what he means but it is comforting to know your friend is here. 

When you don't make a move to follow Javy towards the door when he starts to retreat he levels you with a concerned look. 

"Why do you love Jake?" Javy asks, leaning back against your door. 

You open your mouth to protest that you don't love Jake– how can you love someone who willfully hasn't talked to you in 6 months? The words don't come out though, because in spite of it all, you do love him. You love him so much it hurts, and you made that choice even as Jake actively warned you against it. Javy waits patiently for you to respond, which just makes you feel like squirming more. 

"I do not see what that has to do with anything," you try to deflect but Coyote frowns at you and shakes his head.

"It's because he makes you feel better than a million bucks right?" Javy presses on with the question.

"Yeah, sometimes." You concede thinking of how it was before Jake left. 

"Or like you are the most important thing in the room? More important even than him?" 

"Don't know if I love Jake because of that. I think those are just side benefits. I love Jake just by virtue of him being Jake." You say trying to explain how you feel and Javy nods along to your words. 

"I get it," he says. You worry your lip and look at the door again, still not sure you can do this. 

"It's going to be okay. Marlee and I are here to play interference as long as you two need it. Remembering those things you love about him will help get through the rough patch. He is really worried about doing something wrong."

"What do you mean wrong?" 

"I would say he is worried about hurting you." And you had to resist the urge to laugh, because it was already much too late for that. Jake had been hurting you for months now.

"Has something gone wrong before, or is he just scared?"

Javy doesn't answer your question and he avoids your gaze and stares hard at a far wall. "Hangman and I aren't always stationed together." 

"Oh, I see."

"You're going to have to give him some grace and time; he will even out, I promise. If it gets too bad you can always call me, okay?" Javy's eyes meet yours again, and he gives you a sad smile. "I love Jake too, you know."

"Yeah, I know you do." You reassure him. "Thanks Coyote, you are a good friend to him, and me too." 

Javy is then urging you to finally leave your room, opening the door and gesturing for you to step out. He is asking you to be brave, and it's a lot easier to face your fears when you know someone else is there to help, just in case. 

"Hey what's taking so long up there?" Marlee yells up the stairs suspiciously. She must have heard your door open.  

"I am once again begging Javy to run away with me." You yell back to her playfully. Giving Javy one last tight hug and a muttered thank you, he strides confidently down the stairs. Anxiety and nerves eat away at your every step leaving a sour taste on your tongue. You keep your eyes trained on the ground, as you descend the stairs, still not ready to actually see Jake. 

Instead you keep your eyes trailed on Javy where he has automatically drifted to his wife's side and is already wrapping himself around her and kissing her cheek. 

"Well, were you convinced to run away?" Marlee asks her husband, hugging him back, clearly enjoying the joke. 

"No Ma'am, not this time," Coyote answers with a laugh. 

"I wasn't worried," she tells him. "I know there's only one person you would leave me for."

"I would never leave you," Javy responds, dropping the playfulness from his voice. However, Marlee persists. 

"That's not true, we both know if Jake asked, you wouldn't even hesitate." The couple both turn their eyes towards the kitchen, which you realize is where Jake must be. You are frozen on the last step of the stairs, unable to take your eyes off Marlee and Javy, even as they expectantly look back and forth between where you are standing and where he is. 

You decide you aren't brave enough, that you can't actually do this. You need to retreat up the stairs into your room and pack all of your things in order to get out of here as soon as possible. Jake was back now, all the responsibility you had to watch and take care of the house was released from your shoulders. Never facing him again seems like the obvious solution, you don't know why you had never considered it before. 

"I wouldn't ever ask Javy to run away with me, he snores too much," Jake says. His voice tricks your eyes into looking towards the kitchen. Thinking about Jake Seresin and seeing him are two distinctly different things. He is handsome, Jake always has been handsome, but after so long of not seeing him, it's glaring, breathtaking. 

You think you had expected him to change, which doesn't really make sense. Half a year, in the grand scheme of things, really isn't very long. You think maybe his uniform fits him a bit more snugly, that he looks even more fit than before. You weren't prepared… you weren't prepared at all. And now you are stuck because he is looking back at you. Jake blinks at you, and you stare wide eyed, too afraid if your eyes close for even a second he will be gone. 

"Hello. Good morning," Jake finally says. 

"Hi," you squeak. Then you are finally able to take the last step off the stairs and say, "It's good to see you." 

Jake flashes you one of his perfect practiced smiles and a wink. Then he gestures to the bowls and pans in front of him, "I'm making french toast." 

You wait a second, having to choke back a sob threatening to bubble in your chest. Then say, "I'm sure that will be good." 

Javy and Marlee's analyzing the two of you makes the awkwardness press in harder. Gulping, you try to seem casual about walking towards the kitchen. Jake watches you intently. At the last minute you change your mind and veer down the hallway towards the front door instead. 

"Sorry, I just have some errands I need to run," You announce loudly, quickening your step. Fumbling with the locks you burst out the front door, and stand heaving on the front porch. Gripping the railing hard, you lean against it trying to brace yourself. 

A minute later you hear the door open, and you close your eyes tight, wishing you had been smart enough to walk further away. There is a slight clunk against the ground and you see a pair of your shoes next to your feet. 

"Thought you might need shoes," Jake says quietly. Fuck, this hurt so much more than you though it would. You thought having him home would feel like a relief, not a fresh stab wound. You just shake your head, not sure you can say anything. Jake waits patiently but after several long minutes, he breathes out a quiet sigh. 

"Okay. Well. I think I should just apologize and get on with it. I'm sorry, I am so sorry." You can't stop the hitching sob that falls from your throat. 

"I know you didn't love back the same way, but I didn't realize you cared so little about me." 

"That is an inaccurate statement," Jake protests. 

"I don't want us to have a fight Jake." You mumble, nothing about this conversation was making you feel better. 

"Well I do. I want us to have a fight, because you should be mad at me. You should be yelling at me and cursing the ground I walk on. You should've burned down this house!" He exclaims, and you can hear his frustration. You open your eyes to find Jake standing stiff and straight next to the slightly ajar front door. Hands clenched tight, Jake was staring at like you were water and he had been stranded in the desert for days, parched. A direct sighting of his green eyes is all it takes to break your resolve.  

"I can't be mad at you!" You exclaim, throwing your hands up in the air. 

"Why not?" He prods you in a low voice.

"You know exactly why."  

Jake huffs, clenching his jaw he glares upwards, away from you. 

"You don't have to be this saint you know. You don't have to be this perfectly stable person for me because you feel like that's what I need. Please don't let me get away with hurting you." 

"I won't give you the satisfaction," you tell him coldly. 

"What?" Jake asks, his eyebrows drawing together in confusion. 

"I'm not going to give you the satisfaction of confirming that you are the bad guy you've convinced yourself you are. So, what would you like me to say instead?"   

"I guess I want you to listen to the fact that I'm sorry. I'm sorry for how I left, I'm sorry for how I behaved, I—"

"Are you really sorry for what happened between us?" You ask in a small voice. You lower your eyes to look at the ground, not wanting to be too confrontational. 

"Of course I am," he sighs. It's a stab to your heart. You had treasured the long heartbreakingly beautiful evening you had with Jake before he left, and hearing him say he doesn't feel the same is harrowing. 

"Are you—" you start to ask but stop yourself. You ball up all the hurt in your chest trying to rationalize and compartmentalize. Realizing this is another one of those times you had to fill in the gaps. It was time you refocused on the realities at hand. There were no promises besides the one you had made. That you would love him regardless, and continuously. Reminding yourself this fact helps, you could be upset after, later. Every moment actually with Jake should be treasured, this was the first moment you were getting with him in how long and of course you had ruined it. 

"I'm sorry for every other thing I know I should be, and everything I willfully chose not to know too. I'm sorry, and well I want to go on forever. I want to keep telling you I'm sorry every second. So, I'm sorry. I'll say it a million times more. Like you deserve."

"Jake, stop. Sometimes the more times you say something the cheaper the words have become. So let's keep this one valuable. I'm sorry for pushing, and you've said sorry too. We can move on now." 

"I'll just be plain then." He says, though you can tell that the frustration and desperation are still burning hot under his skin. 

"Yes, Jake, be plain. That's the best option for us."

"If we step over lines?"

"We say something, stop and talk about it."

"Okay." He agrees, "We have to talk about the other thing now too."

"What thing?" you ask.

"My question, what happened between us." He says as if he hadn't just told you part of him regrets it. 

"You asked to be selfish with me Jake, and I said yes. I don't regret that, and I'm not mad about what happened. You had my permission and consent for all of it.' 

"I just kept waiting until I knew what I wanted to say, but then I never knew what I wanted to say," he explains. 

"Jake, I really…" You sigh and scrub your hand over your face. "Can we not talk about this right now?"

 Jake nods silently in response. "Okay, Later, then."

"Sure, like when the Machados aren't listening on the other side of the door." You say loudly looking at the front door that was cracked, having no doubt your friends were being nosey. Not that you really blame them, you probably would have done the same thing. 

"Do you still have errands to run?" he asks you. You look out to the street deciding you should at least take a small walk to sort through your thoughts. 

"I'm just going to go on a little walk. I'm sure I'll be back by the time breakfast is done," you explain. 

"Sounds good, sugar. Can I help you with your shoes?" He asks quietly. The only reason you nod your head yes is because you think you might start crying otherwise. 

Jake kneels down and hesitates for a long moment before his large warm hand is on your ankle, helping angle your foot into the shoe. His thumb makes a brushing stroke across the skin before doing the same thing with the other foot. When you get back from your walk, it's awkward. You completely avoid Marlee's attempts to get you to go off and talk with her. Instead, you decide that the best course of action is to pretend that nothing is wrong. You laugh at jokes and ignore how stilted and awkward Jake's conversation is with everyone. Then, after Marlee and Javy linger way too long, before you and Jake finally get them to leave. Once they are out the door and Jake has locked the door behind them, you both let out a sigh of relief. You meet Jake's gaze, both of you offer small smiles. It's the most normal moment you've had all day. 

"Welcome back, Jake." You offer tentatively. "Is there anything I can do for you?"

"I kinda just want to nap," he admits. You part ways at the top of the stairs giving him a strained smile and retreat into your room; Jake's eyes don't leave you until the door is shut firmly in place. 

It's much later that night when you hear some loud banging. You shoot out of your room worried, and realize the banging is coming from the other side of Jake's bedroom door. You knock on it firmly but don't hear a response. 

You knock again and the banging comes to a stop. You try the door and find it locked. 

"Jake, are you okay?" You ask him through the door. 

"I'm fine. Thanks," he yells back. You wait but when you don't get anything more, you have no choice but to leave him be and go back to your room. You don't actually even see Jake again until two nights later. You have been able to tell that he is home but Jake is as elusive as a ghost. 

You run into him next when you open your door one night to get some water before bed. Jake is standing on the other side, holding two water bottles. Part of you has a hunch that he had been standing there for a while. He looks shocked but a little relieved when he sees you. 

"I know I shouldn't be here," Jake starts slowly, taking his gaze off of you and looks down at his feet. 

"No, it's okay that you are here," you stutter slightly. "Is there something you need?" 

Jake nods his head along with your words, his eyebrows drawing together. Then he holds out a water bottle for you to take. "Can I just be here? Here, with you?"

"Of course, always." You say stepping backwards into your room leaving the door wide open for him. You shuffle to your bed and lift open the blankets ready to welcome him there with you. However, Jake drops the pillow he was holding on the floor nearby and lays down instead. 

You want to ask him questions about it but the edge he is on isn't one you want to poke or prod in any direction. While you are still hurt, knowing he is here is safe again, with you is equally as soothing, a small dosage of pain medication. 

"There's plenty of room up here with me too, you know." You decide to casually offer just in case. 

"It's too soft for me right now."

"I just thought I would offer," you say lightly. 

"I can't sleep. It's the worst part. Everything is too quiet and too still and at the same time not quiet or still enough. I think I might go insane." He explains in a low voice. 

"What can I do? What do you need?" You ask sympathetically. 

"Can we talk about it?" Jake asks hopefully. 

"No, Jake. We can't," You sigh and hear him sigh in frustration. 

"Someday, at some point, we are going to have to talk about it," Jake says so carefully you know he is consciously holding back the taunting frustration he wants to put into the words. 

"No, we really don't," You contradict him. 

"Sweets," Jake responds, sounding wrecked. 

You think you should give into him again. You should allow Jake to talk his heart out and seek penance from you. How this should be a time when you are strong for him. However, as much as you want to give Jake the world, there must be times that you curl around your own heart to try and shield it from hurt. 

"Listen, Jake. I don't need to know why you didn't talk to me while you were gone. No matter what your explanation is, it's going to hurt my feelings. So, I would rather not know. Please, let me pretend something a little kinder." 

He is silent, so very quiet for so long you almost wonder if he has left. Evaporated from existence, that he never came home at all, and you've been living an elaborate hallucination. You turn on your side just to check in the soft lamp light that Jake is still laying on the floor. 

"You should have said no to me before I left. It would have saved us both a lot of grief I think." 

Jake's words feel like a punch in the gut, rattling around like a wrecking ball, leaving a bloody massacre behind. With a heavy blown out breath you say, "No it wouldn't have."

"No, it wouldn't have," he sighs in agreement. 

"It would be nice though, if we could go back to before." 

"Before?" He asks. 

"Yes," you say, clutching your blankets tight. "If I could pretend that you never got orders and didn't leave. I would jump to that in an instant. 

"You want to pretend nothing happened?" 

"Isn't that an idea?" You huff a small broken laugh at the ridiculousness of it.

"What if I don't remember exactly how things went before?" Jake wonders. 

"Jake, I wasn't serious," you say cautiously.  

There are several long minutes of silence where you wait for him to say something. Finally, you hear Jake let out a long heavy audible groan while shifting. "If you don't want to talk it out. Pretending is probably our best option then. Otherwise, what are we going to do, sweets?" 

"Sugar," You correct automatically. 

"Hmm?" 

"You usually call me sugar, or honey. Not sweets" 

"Ah, that's right, and darling. I got it mixed up because you're so sweet to me."

"I'll help you. If you don't remember how it goes." 

"Thank you," he says. And you can't believe he is actually agreeing to this idea, or really that you are either. 

"Do you not like sweets?" Jake asks eventually. 

"It's fine enough, I guess." You answer as lightly as you can. Then you go through another bout of silence. You nervously play with the edge of a blanket hoping that this tension with Jake will ease. It's always gone away in the past, but that was also before. 

"That's what you want then? Tomorrow, we go back?" Jake asks again. 

"Yes, tomorrow," You confirm. 

"Sugar?

"Yes, Jakers?"

"Can I ask you a question?" He asks. You laugh lightly, feeling a bit of the nervousness ease at his tone which has become much lighter. 

"I never understand why people say that. Aren't you already asking a question?" Jake chuckles low in his chest in amusement. He doesn't follow along with the joke though, just leaves it there hanging in the air. 

"The answer is yes," you tell him casually. 

"You don't know what the question is." 

"Yes, you can ask me a question," you clarify in a whisper. Jake makes some rustling sounds and you hear him come closer to you.

"Are you sure that bed is big enough for two?" He asks. 

"Why don't we find out?" You laugh feeling more at ease. 

With a nod Jake crawls onto bed and turns to face you on his side. However, he doesn't scoot in close like you expect. He is stone still on the other side of the bed, laying on top of the covers, only shifting his pillow once. 

"What would you do, if I told you the last time I said yes, it had an extended warranty?" You ask while turning on your side to face where you are in the bed now. 

"How long are we talking about here?" Jake asks. 

"Unfortunately, I think it expires some time tomorrow." You watch Jake work his lip in contemplation, while examining your face closely. 

"Why would you let me be selfish with you again?" 

"I think it's because we are selfish. Maybe it's a little bit because I don't want the memory of the last time I tasted you to be bitter." 

Jake rolls away from you onto his back, blinking rapidly at the ceiling. "Stop letting me take things from you."

"We both deserve a night where we are selfish with each other, I think." You tell him reaching across the gap between you. You set a hand on Jake's cheek ignoring the prickly stubble there. 

"To have you and let you go again the next day would be torture," Jake says all while leaning into your touch. 

"Just a kiss this time," you offer, urging him by his cheek to come a little closer to you. 

"It was supposed to be just a kiss last time too." Jake's eyes are bright where they burn into yours. He inches a little closer and you lean forwards as well, reducing the gap between you two that much more until there is just a miniscule space now.  

"I know," You answer against his lips, letting your hand slip into his hair. Jake's lips move with yours crowding in close, like he is trying to breathe all of you into himself and commit you to memory. 

"Maybe, it can be more of a promise?" Jake eventually gasps. 

"A promise?" You question. 

"A promise not to hurt you like this again," Jake answers.

"That's not an easy promise to keep," you warn. 

"That's true, but I'm willing to try anyway." He kisses you again and dips his tongue into your mouth. Jake swallows your little whimpers; he tastes just as good as he always has. It's very easy to be selfish with Jake "Hangman" Seresin.  

…

It's a slow road to trying to get back to normal. Jake circles around the house like he is lost. Picking things up and setting them down, starting conversations with you and leaving halfway through them. Shadows stretch across his face and his increasingly dark stubble and facial hair. You are a little surprised to find that he doesn't have a red beard like most blonds do. The facial hair only serves to make him look increasingly gaunt.

Jake even denies your offer to start a puzzle together, telling you that wasn't something he could handle at the moment. You try not to seem like you were watching him like a hawk, but you definitely are. Until one day he stood up from the table in the middle of dinner and announced that he was going camping. 

"Oh okay. Do you know how long?" 

"Yeah," Jake sighs, "I'll be home before next weekend, and I promise you when I get home I'll be normal again."

"You don't have to be any which way for me Jake," you tell him gently. 

"I know, but I need to do this for me too, sugar." He explains while putting away dishes. You watch him complete the task; Jake is antsy even with his hands occupied. None of the projects or tasks he has picked up since being home have been enough to occupy him with real distraction. Two days ago, you had walked into the garage where Jake had rigged up his camping hammock to the ceiling which you felt like he was swaying precariously 8 feet off the ground. On top of that Jake had music blasting, a documentary on Yosemite playing, while also whittling a piece of wood. 

"Okay. I'll miss you." You eventually say. Jake purses his lip, and after a heavy gulp he nods his head. Once the last of the dishes is away he spins on his heel and heads towards the garage door. 

You hurry after him, "Jake?"

"Yes, sugar?" He asks, not pausing his trajectory. 

"Are you leaving right now?" You ask him surprised. 

"Yes, I packed earlier today."

"Can I have a hug before you go?" You ask him hesitantly. 

Jake freezes. He rubs his hands across his face pressing briefly into his eyes while sighing a very soft "Fuck." Then he turns to you fully looking abashed. "Yeah, sugar. What do you need before I go? I'm sorry I should have asked that first."

"No, it's no big deal. Honestly." You tell him backing off not wanting to be too much. Jake shushes you softly while stepping closer. 

"Tell me how it goes. I need to remind myself about this part."

"Well," you start off hesitantly, "normally I would get a hug goodbye." 

"Ahh," Jake hums, "that's right. And I do that part like this?" Jake wraps you in his arms, draping them high on your back. You wait a moment before draping your arms around his neck.

"How's the next part going again, sweets?"

"You squeeze my waist a little harder and lower." Jake follows the direction his arms tightening around you drawing you flush against his chest. 

"Now?" He whispers. 

"You would probably kiss my forehead."

"Just your forehead?" Jake asks breathily. 

"I'll leave that one up to you, Jake." He unwraps a hand from your waist to hold the back of your neck, keeping you steady. 

"And if I want to kiss somewhere else?"

"You've got my permission Jake," you tell him trying to keep want and desire out of your voice. Jake parts his lips and leans in closer brushing his lips to grace over your cheekbone. 

"You can have it, Jake," you remind him.

"No," he answers and closes his eyes. "Not again, not yet. I'll be home in a few days."

Once Jake leaves you know there is something you have to do to help him. It's an idea that gets stuck in your head and then you can't get it out. He had been spending time daily in his hammock in the garage, and you noted that Jake had taken it with him when he left. You missed how he used to casually be in the living room, so you started brainstorming some ideas on how you might entice Jake to join you again. 

So, you go to the kitchen and pull out the rolodex, find the card dedicated to Miss Celeste and give it a call. Russell answers the phone, and you can hear the man smiling through the phone as you ask after his wife. It turns out Jake's grandmother is just as blunt but kind hearted as you had been led to believe. After a longer conversation with her, she and Russ offer you some advice and tips

You aren't wholly sure how you managed to get it all done. Eventually having to call Coyote to help you move some of the living room furniture. However, after significantly less sleep than you already get, there is a large comfy hammock in the living room. You and Javy had to sandwich Jake's large comfy chair much closer to the couch than it was previously, but y'all managed to make it all fit. 

Jake comes home from camping quietly late one night. The stubble he had been supporting before is a full-on beard now, and his hair is longer than you have ever seen it. This look is intimidating to you in lots of ways, like some mirrored version of Jake that you don't know. He offers. quick hello when he comes in from the garage, breezing past you and towards the stairs.  

Jake doesn't make it to the stairs though instead he stands frozen at the edge of the living room for five whole minutes just staring at the hammock. You watch him closely, trying to gauge his reaction. 

"It's a surprise for you." You say after the amount of time he is standing there increases to a concerning duration. Compelled to do something you explain, "I know your hammock has been one of the only places you have been able to relax."  

"This is very sweet. I appreciate it." Jake starts evenly. It's contradictory as you see him grit his teeth, and his fists clench and unclench at his sides. 

"You don't like it?" You ask him.

"It's not that," Jake tries to explain. "It's just you can't randomly switch the living room around and add new furniture like this." 

Your mouth drops open in shock. This might be one of the first times Jake has ever told you there is something you can't do in the house. It's jarring, he has always spent so much time tailoring everything to your likes, desires, and aesthetics that you hardly even think about the house as Jake's and Jake's alone anymore. Frustration bubbles under the shock twisting into anger at the situation. You were trying your best, doing all the things you thought you should, and it still didn't seem like enough. 

"That is so rich coming from you for so many different reasons Jake." You say agitated, rolling your eyes. 

"Why are you upset?" Jake asks you, finally looking away from the living room. 

"Why are you upset?" You parrot with emphasis. 

"Well, what did you expect? I left for a few days and now there is a hammock in the living room. That's an outdoor item you brought indoors," Jake responds snappily. It pushes you right against an edge that you are unfamiliar with living on now. You had forgotten how it was to live in a hyper aware state, trying to manage and monitor someone else's emotions. 

"You act like you haven't done the same thing," you tell him, gesturing frustratedly at the juniper chest. "I was doing something nice for you. However, if you don't like it, I'm sure you're more than capable of taking it down and moving your furniture back and fixing your living room."  

You leave Jake in the living room and go to the kitchen. He grumbles to himself upset which makes you feel even more on edge. However, you refuse to let Jake blowing back into the house prevent you from finishing the dishes you had been stacking and putting away. 

"It's our living room," he finally calls back to you.

"You aren't acting like it."

"You could have given me some warning," he reasons, but it has a slightly accusatory tone. 

"When Jake?" You ask him, upset. "When you called me and told me you were coming home? When you text? How exactly was I supposed to let you know?"

He doesn't have an answer and you slam the door of a cupboard harder than you intend. Inside, the stack of bowls were more precariously placed than you thought. The cupboard closes and bounces back open, the bowls ejecting and crashing hard against the ground. Several of them shatter when they make impact, sending ceramic shards flying across the area. 

You aren't expecting the sound to trigger you. It most likely does because of how high strung and worried you already are. The house is such a safe comforting space you don't really have a game plan for when PTSD attacks hit you here. A chill makes its way up your spine, while the sound of shattering glass rings echoing in your ears, for much longer than it echoes in the room. It's all it takes for some flip to switch in your head. 

Managing to take small gasping breaths, you try to assess the damage of the sharp ceramic pieces around you, categorizing how many bowls had broken. It doesn't help you to fight off sudden panic that is creeping in when you notice one of the destroyed bowls was one Miss Celeste had made for Jake. It was a soup bowl stamped with a silly song Jake liked to sing anytime he used it. Distantly you hear Jake calling your name but can't fully process it. He is stepping towards you, fear rings through your body, and instinctually you go to step back away from him. Flinching hard every one of your muscles feels like it's attached to a live wire. Your fight or flight mode activated but you are still mostly frozen in the middle with short panting breaths, your eyes flit across the room trying to find a suitable escape path. 

"Sugar, please don't move. Just stay right there. It's okay." Jake is repeating, holding his hand up, showing you his open body language. Your breaths continue to come out gasping, but eventually you are able clear the cloudiness up enough with the help of Jake's soothing.  

"Jake, help," you whimper. Training your eyes on Jake you think that he is the only available escape, from the glass around you and this attack. At your words, his whole face shifts overcome with a serious ‘get things done’ demeanor.

"Are you hurt?" He asks calmly. You can't answer him just offering a shaking shrug. "Stay right there for me, Sugar. Okay?" 

Jake is shoving his feet into some boots, then crunching through the broken ceramics and glass before picking you up. He carries you to the living room, setting you down on top of the closed puzzle table. Once you are there, he kneels in front of you. Picking up each of your feet, Jake carefully examines them for injury. Then gives the rest of your body a scan; he is clearly relieved to find that there weren't any cuts. 

"Wait here." He orders you gently, walking back to the kitchen and setting about cleaning the mess. 

"I can clean that," you try to tell him in a weak attempt for Jake to stop.

"You just stay there looking pretty and take some breaths, sweets." He responds from the kitchen. You decide to give in, which is probably for the best with the way the numb panic is still very present at the edge of your consciousness. Your heart is still beating erratically as well. 

Jake is expedient and thorough about cleaning, going through the whole kitchen and dining room with his shop vacuum searching for any hiding slivers. When finished he makes his way to the living room and crouches by your side again sighing heavily. 

"I'm sorry," he says, setting his large warm hands on your knees.

"I'm sorry," you apologize as well. "I should have waited and asked you before changing the living room."

"You don't need to ask. I've just been on edge and wasn't expecting it. I do appreciate the thought. And you know I do love hammocks so, I'm sure I'll love it."

"We don't have to keep it," You remind him.

"We are taking it for a trial run," Jake responds. Then a few moments later he lets out a heavy sigh and says, "You know we are doing it all already, right?" 

"What's that?"

"It" Jake says gesturing with his free hand in the air. "We fit together. We're," Jake takes the slightest pause, his hand grips yours so tight you almost ache, then he drops it completely. "A bridle joint or maybe, a box joint." 

"We aren't ever going to fit with anyone else are we?" You ask him, clarifying. 

"No, we aren't. I think it might just be this, Sugar. It's just us." Jake says the words like a confession, an admission, an honest reality. 

You try to analyze the look in his eyes, but over anything else all you can focus on is how tired he is. You pick Jake's hand up again. Standing from the couch, pulling him with you. Jake asks no questions; he just follows you as you guide him. You tug him with you to each of the doors as you make sure each one is locked, jiggling them to be sure. Then he follows you to the kitchen as you grab two of his glass water bottles. You hand one to him and take his, gripping it tightly while his other hand remains loose in yours. 

You keep leading him then as he follows you up the stairs. Finally, You open the door to his room, and freeze in the doorway. A gasp catches in your throat. It's empty. The whole room. Not a mattress or a bedframe, no side tables or a dresser. It's all gone. There is one chest, a basket with some blankets, and one pillow. Jake stands close behind you, and you hear him audibly sigh into your ear. 

You take a deep breath to steady yourself and pull Jake through the room, leaving no room to address the issue and heading straight to the bathroom. You turn on the water for the bath and let the tub start filling. Turning to Jake and finally, let go of his hand. He looks lost at you, and you bring your hand up to lift his chin up a little higher. Jake takes your direction and those gorgeous sea-glass green eyes look at you. 

You tug at his shirt twice before he follows the movement and pulls it off. You step out of your own pants but otherwise stay clothed. Jake follows you sliding off his jeans. You go to Jake's bath chest still in place and grab a scent you think will be soothing, adding it to the bath. 

You reach to pull down his boxers, and he shakes his head in a small no. When you start to pull off your shirt, Jake's hands stop you there too. He gives you a pleading look, and you shrug back, leaving your shirt in place. You motion for Jake to get in the bath, and he wordlessly does as you say. Making room for you between his knees, Jake scoots until he hits the back of the tub. You step into the warm water and slide down to settle in.  

Jake's head falls forward so his forehead presses into the space where your shoulder and neck meet, taking deep breaths. You shudder, feeling the air of his breath against your neck. Jake's large hands are gripping the side of the bathtub hard. You are shocked that the feeling of the wet clothes sticking to your skin hasn't rocketed you out of the bathtub. But like it often is, it's hard to focus on anything that's not Jake when he is this close to you. 

After a while, when Jake lifts his head and leans back, you do as well, leaning into his chest, his arms slide around you, pulling you even closer, as you draw imaginary designs on one of his forearms. 

"What's it mean for us?" You finally ask him. 

"I'm worse than I was before," Jake says to you quietly. 

"Before me?" And that actually makes you want to cry because it sounds so true. Things certainly would have been less variable without you around in Jake's life. No one to throw him off his routines. And before him weren't you better able to protect your heart better than this? You had been calloused and strong before. Living with Jake and in this house has been like a fine grit sandpaper buffing you so now you only have smooth soft edges. 

Has that been the way it's been between the two of you this whole time, something bad that was disguised as good? You can't come up with an answer, and apparently, neither can he. So it sits there, wilting, rotting between the two of you.

The silence is loud and almost echoes in the bathroom, with no room to hide. You finally take one of Jake's hands in yours and play with his fingers. He seems content with this, relaxing even further into the water. One of his knees occasionally bumping into you playfully, as if you could forget that he was there, as if there were anything besides Jake on your radar. 

Then he is whispering your name against your neck, right behind your ear. Gooseflesh bursts across your skin, and his beard is coarse and scratchy against your sensitive skin not having been trimmed once since it started growing. You try to shift away but his lips follow you. Tired of the game you reach a hand behind you and fist it into Jake's long hair, tightly tugging his face away from your neck. Jake gasps in response. 

You drop your hand feeling like he has been sufficiently warned from the action, which you know would have descend into tickling. Jake grabs your wrist and turns it, and then ghosts his lips over your pulse point. After two more soft kisses there he presses three to your palm, and on each finger. Each press of his lips is intoxicating even in a place as insignificant as your hand. With your ring finger Jake's kisses are three times as long and lingering. It's an action that has you slamming your eyes closed to keep the tears from escaping. He finally releases your arm and you drop your hand back into the warm water. 

Something starts to thaw out there, in your chest. The combination of the physical warmth of the bath and Jake's blazing body heat. However, it is the feeling, the emotional warmth of it that makes the difference. You tremble slightly feeling completely overwhelmed, the idea of being anywhere else or trying to move is devastating to your system. 

"Sugar pie?"

"Yes, Jakobi?" You answer back just as quietly 

"We haven't been doing so good, have we?"

"No."

"Our mental health?"

"Positively dismal. We both probably need to be institutionalized." You tell him. Jake nods along, in understanding with your words. 

"Do you think I could convince them to let us be roomies there too?" 

"Not sure even you could swing that one, honey." You respond. Jake's eyes and whole face positively light up moments after you say the words. 

"Honey?"

You hum thinking it over before smiling and nodding, "Yup."

"But that's my nickname for you," Jake says in a pouting tone but the bright expression he is wearing hasn't dimmed. 

"Yeah, and sugar, darling, babycakes, anything related to pie—"

"I called you Huckleberry pie once and—"Jake protests but you barrel onwards cutting him off. 

"Well no more honey for you anymore. You use half the sweet names under the sun, I'm allowed to have one. And I think it's honey." You cup Jake's scratchy bearded cheeks and smile softly. "You're my honey, now." 

"Why honey?"

"Because you're so sweet."

"I'm not," Jake says brokenly, all playfulness having been sucked out of him. His head is heavy in your palm as he eases into your hold.

 "You're sweet," you repeat more firmly. Then continue, "Plus I can just imagine how snug and happy you would be in those honey combs."

"Hexagons are one of the superior shapes," Jake sighs.

"Sure they ar, and you are golden like honey." You run your fingers through Jake's hair again. He shutters hiding those sad green eyes from you.  

"I never knew just how blond the sun could make your hair," You sigh when you reach the end, scratching back up his scalp to repeat the process. You are turned fully to face him now, sloshing the water a bit to settle more comfortably. However Jake doesn't move, he seems almost as if he could be a statue made of glowing gold. 

"This tan also makes no sense," you tell him, trailing your hands over his shaped shoulders. 

He squints a single eye open at you, and you freeze as if you've been caught. Instead Jake's hand's pull your knees to settle on either side of his hips. Dragging you that much closer to him. It makes your breath hitch and Jake's eyes darken, however, he still leaves a bit of space. 

"One of my grandpas was Italian," Jake says with a quirk of his lips. The single eye he had opened closed as the smile melted off his face. Your hands resume their path, after massaging Jake's shoulders you knead his neck. Which just leads to playing with his hair again. Your train of thought was lost until you noticed a small light but fresh scar on the top of his bicep. You lean forward and  gloss your lips over the skin there. Jake's hand tightens where he is holding your thighs. He takes a careful breath in through his nose, and a long exhale. He follows that up with two more shallow but steady breaths and then just like that the tension releases from his body as he releases the air out.

"Where did you learn how to breathe like that, cowboy?" You ask him, letting your thumb continue to trace the strange new scar you have been examining. 

"Oh, so, I'm cowboy now?"

"Mr. Cowboy, my honey." You coo back. Jake's eyes flutter open again, he blinks slowly at you heavily lidded.  

"You are avoiding the question." You prompt him by raising an eyebrow. 

"It's not as bad as you're probably thinking," Jake answers a moment later. 

"I'm thinking, you did a whole summer of Vipassana, and meditation in some foreign country that made you have concerns about being that white guy(™)."  

As his lips lift in response to your joke, you think Jake's dimples are some of the prettiest things in this world. Suddenly, you find it unacceptable that his beard hides any part of them from your view. You see the hint of them but it's not the same you think as you trace the shape of one. Your left hand remains pressed over the new scar you had discovered. 

"We both know I could never do vipassana."

"I have evidence to the contrary," the words fall from your lips before you can stop them, and you regret them instantly. 

"Don't be mean to me," he begs you. In the same breath he speaks the words you are already halfway through saying, sorry.

"I'm working on leaving it I promise," You tell him.

"We don't have to leave it, we could talk about it." Jake suggests hopefully. 

"We are leaving it Jake," you say back sharply and he snaps his mouth shut chewing at the side of his cheek for a moment before responding. 

"Okay. I know I hurt you deep, and it's still fresh," Jake responds. His jaw clenches and you feel it jump.  

"So, it wasn't meditation? Is this going to be another riveting USNA story?" You ask him, steering the conversation back on a lighter track. 

"It was before Annapolis."

"Tell me more," you laugh, dropping your hold on his face, leaning forward and resting your check against his bicep.  

"You're going to laugh at me," he pouts.

"I find that an entirely likely probability," you answer teasingly. 

"I had to take friendship classes in middle school." 

"I'm sorry, you did what?" You ask Jake to repeat, trying to process this bit of information. 

"This other kid and I hated each other, and we were constantly getting into it. The worst part is we had lockers right next to each other. He accidentally hit me with his locker, and I lost it. So, I slammed his head right back and we started brawling. Anyways, long story short, our school counselor made us take friendship classes, and taught us breathing techniques. It was all bull shit, but we ended up being friends afterwards, bonding over how stupid friendship class was."

"At least you got some good breathing techniques." 

"Something like that," Jake laughs back. 

"What's this one then? It's new." you say ghosting your lips over the scar you had found again. Jake sighs, glancing at the scar himself. 

"You are going to be mad," he starts. 

"Why would I be mad, honey?"

"I got two more moles removed." The admission makes you pull back and give Jake a weary suspicious glare. 

"Have you not been wearing sunscreen again?"

"No, I've been wearing sunscreen ever since you told me about it, I promise. The Doc just asked about one of them and wanted to do a biopsy. So, I said he might as well just take them all off while he was at it."

"And?" 

"Everything came back benign. Nothing to really worry about, Sugar."

"I always worry about you, Jakers." You sigh with relief and kiss that scar again, enjoying the feeling of having your head pillowed on his arm. 

"I know, I'm sorry." Jake whispers back. You wish he had just left it as I know. 

"I don't want to make you worse, Jake."

"You don't make me worse. I am worse, no one has ever inspired me to act quite as selfishly as you have. I don't even know how to wholly be anymore without you." 

"I just want to make things better for you." 

Jake groans quietly, "Maybe someday it will finally click that you make everything better. That you are stunning, and gorgeous, and just over all the best." 

"We could clear cut a forest, and not find a single tree that's sappier than you Jake." It inspires a quirk of his lips but not the laugh you were hoping for.

"You are probably right," is all Jake says back, continuing to trace shapes into your skin. It's quiet for a long time as you two just exist together, coming down from the emotional turmoil of the night. 

Eventually, You ask, "Jake, where are you?" 

"I don't know. I don't know, Sugar," He sighs and tilts his head back letting out an exhausted breath. 

"Are you in the clouds?" You ask. He thinks before shaking his head no. 

"Are you on the ocean?"

He feels the water around him briefly then settles his hands on your skin again. "It doesn't appear so."

"Are you on base?"

"No." 

"So, where are you?"

"I know I'm here with you sugar, it just doesn't feel real." Jake answers. 

You examine him closely from his wet hair to the defined muscles of his shoulders and neck. How much muscle Jake gained deployment almost pushed him into a category you would describe as too buff, but not actually going over the edge. As you trace the shape of his face you can easily identify what one of the problems is. 

"You are being suffocated," you tell him as your fingers trace up his cheeks and around through his hair there.

"Why do you have a beard Jake?" You ask in a gentle curious tone. 

"I don't have to shave until I go back to work."

"You should shave sooner," You say encouragingly. 

"Too tired," Jake says, stretching out one of his legs in the water. 

"Do you want help?"

"You want to give me a shave, sugar?"

"I'd be willing to give it a go if you feel like it would help," you answer plainly. He thinks about it before nodding. 

"It would." 

That's all you need to hear before you are stepping out of the bath. Immediately you hate how the wet material of your shirt clings to your skin. So, you quickly rip it off and throw it into the shower. Jake groans behind you and you point a finger back at him while grabbing fresh towels and Jake's shaving kit from beside the sink.  

"It's nothing you haven't seen and you can control yourself," you chastise him. 

"But you are so fucking beautiful," Jake groans making absolutely no effort to hide the way his eyes trace over your body. 

"You were two minutes from falling asleep."

"That was before," Jake whines as you come back to the bath and he sees you in even more detail. 

You set the shaving kit to the side within easy reach and settle yourself back into the water. You sit so your bare chest is pressed against his. This makes Jake close his eyes throwing his head back  whispering a quiet "Fuck."

When his eyes open again, they are slightly dilated with lust. It makes you smile at him whispering, "hi there." 

"Hi," he breaths back.

"Hi," you say again, smiling wider. Jake can't stop himself from smiling as well, lips drawn upwards. His hands trace up your bare sides and you give him a small glare. Grabbing his chin you tilt his head back once more. 

"Yup, hold yourself just like that," You tell him, pausing to make sure he doesn't move. You start to lather up some shaving cream spreading it along this neck. 

"Have you shaved someone else before?" Jake questions. 

"Not really. So, you might want to give me pointers. I don't want to cut your pretty face." You answer with a teasing tone. 

Jake hums in acknowledgement thinking for a long moment. Then he starts to detail the intricate shaving ritual he normally keeps. You follow each one of the steps. It's a slow process, shaving him. You are worried that you will cut him or make some other mistake in the process. Jake isn't hesitant or shy about giving you sweet and gentle encouragement. 

Finally, Jake's face is free of hair again. You help wipe away the remaining product, and dab on the aftershave in his kit you brought over. Jake winces but gives you a tentative smile when you stare at him examining your work. You smile back softly, setting things down that are in your way, feeling relieved to be done. 

The two of you finish your bath before getting out and drying off. Wrapping a towel around yourself, you head back to your room changing and settling into bed. Jake follows not long after in a pair of comfy pants and a soft muscle shirt. He asks if he can join you in bed even though you already pulled the covers back while waiting for him. 

Jake takes a bit of shifting to get comfortable until he is laying on his side facing you, meeting your gaze as you shift to see him better. You lift a hand to cup his face enjoying the fresh smooth skin there. 

"Ah, there he is," you say with a soft sigh. The lines of Hangman's face are prominent and easy to follow again. A tear spills from Jake's eye and you push it away gently. Leaning forwards Jake angles his lips to barely brush over yours before he pulls back. 

"Please?" You ask him, going to follow his lips for more. 

"I don't think we should," Jake responds and snuggles his face into your neck to avoid the temptation of your lips. 

"But we fit. We fit perfectly," you whisper. 

"That's exactly the problem," Jake answers. "I won't do wrong by you again. And that means I don't want to rush anything. Are you in a hurry?"

"Does that have a timeline?" You ask, ignoring your frustration. 

"It does in a general sense."

"Care to share?"

"Sure," Jake mutters tiredly into your neck. "I think it's been going for a while. Right?"

"That's right," You answer, letting your hand drift into his long hair. It is almost all the way dry now and fluffy. He had a haircut scheduled before he started work again leaving you only a few days left to savor this. His eyes close, and a small smile graces his face. With a gentle scratch of your nails against his scalp a tiny whine tumbles out of him. Jake seems too tired to care anymore. His nose just nuzzles your neck, and he places a tiny kiss there. You sigh, and resume playing with the silky strands. 

"And how long before we have it all figured out, Honey?" You ask. 

"As I see it, the rest of our lives. So, give or take sixty-ish more years."

"We are making it the long haul huh?"

"Yes, Ma'am. We will, so there's absolutely no reason to start at a sprint." 

"I thought you had a need for speed." You tell him teasingly. 

Jake huffs into your neck, sucking in a deep breath he blows it out slowly tickling your skin. "I have a great comeback for that."

"Oh really?" 

He hums in affirmation. Then he sleepily manages to crack an eye open and looks at you, while he mumbles, "But I am a sleepy boy. Wait, no…  a sleepy man"

You chuckle and kiss Jake's forehead. "Goodnight, sleepy boy"

"Sleepy man," he tries to correct you, but the words are hardly coherent. It takes less than five minutes before Jake is fully asleep, and you aren't far off yourself. Jake is so warm, and itis so easy to match your breaths with his deep even ones. Falling into a dream where you spend sixty years with Jake, even there in your dream you realize that still might not be enough. 

… 

Read the rest of this chapter on AO3. Sorry again, Tumblr wouldn't let me put it all here (and that it's so long). My first reblog of this here on Tumblr has the other half as well.

[callofdudes]

Hello! I loved your simon riley x autistic reader headcanons. Could you do simon riley x adhd-c reader, if you're comfortable with that?

I've been struggling lately and would love some comfort from our favorite LT 💖

Ah, welcome fellow neurodivergent people! :)

Just a small reminder that I do not have ADHD and something I say that may be inaccurate. My here to spread love and learn 😊

ADHD-C Reader x Simon Riley

Before we start let me just say you and Johnny are demons for this man. The two ADHD soldiers running around and causing several layers of chaos everywhere. He loves you both but... Why? Is his question.

Ghost watches you closely. You have a history of doing your tasks with less than diligent hands and often getting distracted somewhere along the processing line.

Ghost understood this when he learned about your ADHD, seeing the shed half washed or entire patches of dirt having been missed. The van not cleaned out right or a task completely disregarded.

Ghost will gently guide you back, helping you finish. Ghost has also been trying to find way for making your tasks funner and more interesting to focus on to try and hold your attention. (ie: hanging streamers on the shed you have to wash away with the hose) to try and keep the creative stimulation going for a bit longer.

Gun cleaning is something you especially struggle with. And it's very important. You don't want your gun going wrong or getting jammed on a mission and exploding your head off. Ghost has made this very clear to you several times.

You'd remember... If you didn't have trouble listening as well. Things he says goes in one ear and out the other. Ghost isn't entirely sure if it even gets that far. And sometimes it can be annoying, getting through a briefing and having you ask him five minutes later what you are doing.

But he's patient. Oooh so patient.

He honestly isn't sure if giving you a fidget toy during briefings makes any difference in whether you're listening to him. Your eyes aren't on him so it doesn't really feel like it.

This is also why you're not allowed on solo missions unless you have a paper objective stuck to your forehead. You get so pent up over the stress and pressure of solo missions you completely forget what you were even doing there in the first place.

And a lot of times you do get stressed and can break down over not being able to get anything done. Which usually results in frustrated tears and exhaustion. Simon is there for you though.

"Hey, sergeant, what's going on?" Ghost stopped you in the hallway, looking at you for answers while you tried to wipe your tears. "Let me go, I can't help-"

"Hey," Ghost grips your shoulder a little tighter. "What's got you in a twist?"

"All my tasks, it's 2:00 and I haven't gotten anything done." You choke out, thinking he'll be mad.

But he's not. Not at you at least.

"Ok, that's alright. I want you to take a few deep breaths for me ok? Can you try to do that?"

You nod, stifling out some deep breaths and slowly calming down. "Good, you're doing amazing." Ghost rubs your back. "How about we go and do your tasks together, yeah?"

Your smile is a little wobbly but you nod. "Please??"

"Of course, let's go see what you have to do."

Ghost will help you, but he can also push his weight. Sometimes when you just seem genuinely bored with a task and nothing can fix it, he's going to push you. He knows it's extremely hard but this is a place for push and progress, so he'll stand by you and help you finish it despite the lack of stimulation to your brain.

"Ghoooost-!"

"Absolutely not, sit down. Finish your work."

You whine, finding it physically impossible not to fidget and get up from your desk to find something to do.

"I can put on some music or get you another juice box? But you are not getting up until this is done. I can give you a stretch break and let you roll on the floor for a bit or something, but no leaving your office until it's done."

You look up at him with a pouty lip and he pokes it, pushing it back into place. "I'm serious about this one y/n, I'm here to help you however you need but I need you to finish this ok.?"

You sigh and read the next question on your yearly evaluation. "Sex? Like, gender??"

Ghost nods.

"Oh! Did you know my cousin is having a kid and they don't want to know the sex? Why do they even have gender reveal parties..? I would use green if I ever had kids because green is a good color. Like trees are green, and grass and-"

"Focus. We're drawing it all back in, look at me."

You look over at Ghost. "Huh?"

"Look at me, we're drawing all of the thoughts back to me, right?"

You nod, keeping your eyes on him.

"Good, now, answer the question, that question only and then you're mostly done. Ok?"

You nod. "Ok, yeah, I can do that."

"Awesome, answer that last question."

Ghost likes to reward you for being persistent and pushing through difficulties. However.. he's learned the hard way not to tell you he's going to surprise you with something until it's over. Because you won't stop talking about it, or thinking about it. And then nothing ever gets done.

He also helps you get to bed. You can get distracted by so many things bedtime is overwhelming a lot. Simon will be there for you when it's late, helping you from whatever activity you are doing.

He makes sure you don't drink any coffee or anything a couple hours before bed, and tries to get you to bed around the same time every day.

"Did you brush your teeth? No, then let's do that before bed."

"Do you want me to stay with you until you fall asleep?"

"Into bed little tree climber." Simon will joke. He knows you're an adult but it's still funny.

You sigh, looking at him while he runs his fingers through your hair and slowly massages your shoulder with the other, trying to relax you. You won't sleep if you're so tense.

You finally close your eyes, slowly relaxing while he runs his hands over your shoulders and down your sides in gentle motions to relax your spine and back, helping release all the tension and stress after the long day of running around.

"Im going to put on some music ok? Just take some deep breaths, try to close your eyes and sleep."

"Ok."

Simon turns on some slow music for you to help your brain calm down from all the zoomies of the day. He stated by your side, the room in total darkness with only the gentle music playing.

And soon enough you were off to bed.

Simon knows a lot of people find you exhausting. And sometimes you do tire him out, but he'll help you. He knows you need it a lot, and he'll always be there to gently nudge you in the right direction.

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA for asking my dad to chew quietly?

I (23f) live with my parents (60s both of them) while I try to save for a house. My siblings also lived with our parents until after they graduated uni, i just graduated. I pay rent and buy my own groceries.

The issue is I may be neurodivergent. My therapist i just quit seeing refuses to label anyone, so I don't have an official diagnosis but I check most boxes that are symptoms.

I have this thing where I can't stand hearing people chew. It sends chills down my spine and makes me nauseous. Like nails on a chalkboard or how some people can't stand the sound of Styrofoam.

My dad snacks a lot. His favorites are chips and salsa or a handful of nuts. Which is fine! Except I can hear him chewing if the TV is off and we are in the living room (every other room there is no sound to distract).

At first I asked him politely to turn the TV on, and i explained his chewing was bothering me. He said that he's just chewing and didn't understand, but did so.

Except now he won't because he says i need to get over it. This isn't an every day occurrence. I have tried to leave the room, he gets frustrated. I have tried putting on headphones, which sometimes works and sometimes frustrates him.

If he was chewing normally, I know it would just be a me thing and would think I am the AH. However, I have watched him chew and he will open his mouth and chew then stop (for example, chew with mouth closed, mouth closed, mouth open, mouth closed, mouth closed, mouth open until the bite is finished and he swallows. The variations change, it isnt a set pattern).

We got in an argument last week about his mouth being open, he says it wasn't. He told me to grow up. This week he is doing it again and refuses to turn the tv on. My headphones died so I can't do that. To me, the crux of the issue is him chewing with his mouth open. I dont hear it when it is closed. So I recorded him without telling him, asked him to chew with his mouth closed or please turn on the tv, and he got upset. I showed him the video and he got more mad and said I was disrespectful and an arrogant brat. AITA?

What are these acronyms?

[chryblossomjjk]

bts fic recommendations | 03.14.23

→ hi friends! this is a little segment i do every tuesday (reviewsday get it, aren’t i funny, pls tell me how funny i am) where i read and review two-three fics. as a content creator, i know how big of a role other creators play in your growth, therefore, i want to do my part in making sure everyone gets the recognition they deserve! so with that being said, please check out the amazing fics listed below. make sure to like, reblog, and leave feedback! ♡ #reviewsday #kikirecs

banana clip - @vvh0adie (jhs x jjk x reader | angst, fluff, smut)

summary: nature is great at putting you to sleep. but man-made objects are just as good at waking you up with annoyance. and they’re even better at messing with your senses overall. but nature also made the two most wonderful men who you get to call your boyfriends, and they know just how to comfort you.

for one, let me just say this graphic goes crazy eep!!!

also let me just say, you would write a mean fantasy fic bc the scene setting in the first segment is so good. YOU WANNA TALK ABOUT WORLD BUILDING?? YOU WANNA TALK ABOUT WORLD BUILDING???? YOU WANNA TALK ABOUT MAKING THE SETTING REFLECT THE CHARACTER??? THIS IS IT!!

also i think the representation in the fic is so fucking important like- to have the reader be queer, chubby, and neurodivergent and then depicting in detail the things that come along with it is really great!! especially bc so many young adults read fanfic and thats such a complex time where you're juggling different parts of your identity and how they coexist!! just seriously thank you for writing this!!

"His large hands make haste of grabbing as much of your ass as he possibly can and giving it a good squeeze, oil slick painted nails leaving crescent indentation on your melanated skin. The succulent pain causes a moan to escape your lips. You always knew how to break them down, but he could play too."

oof when i tell u i read this paragraph multiple fucking times bc YOU PICKED OIL SLICK NAIL HOBI I COULD DESTROY MY FUCKING ROOM RN LMAO

“Ah, fuck, it’s times like these when I remember how much of a slut you are.”

dom hobi rattles the fucking peanut in my skull bc i know for a fact that man is the kinkest dom sex freak out here PLS!!! and the mentions of kook throughout made everything incredibly hotter like uGh!! and then i really love when sweet aftercare n cleaning up is added into fanfic after a dommy moment :') <3 overall, this was the hottest shit ever pls fucking read this yall NOW I SAY NOW LMAO!!

paired & pierced - @yoon-kooks (jjk x reader | college au, smut, fluff)

summary: when your professor assigns a collaborative midterm project, you’re paired up with jeon jungkook, the quiet grumpy smartass who keeps to himself and doesn’t fuck with popular kids like you. if you can win him over, he might give you a taste of the tatted and pierced body he’s carefully tucked away beneath those oversized hoodies.

so as soon as i saw that pairing i knew i was a goner!! but babe, this fic made me discover kinks i didn't even know i had like erm?? CAWK TATTOO??? OF A SNAKE???

I HAVE A NEW FETISH LMAO!!! thats like one of the hottest visuals i've ever read in fanfic and it will plague my daydreams from here on out!

where does one find a friend like oc who hooks you up with men like JUNG HOSEOK ?? she is so real for that (one is incredibly lonely despite having friends and never gets checked on by those around her unless they need something which i feel like is so relatable to so many people like i can totally tell why so many readers were drawn to this fic)!! and tim can catch this knuckle sandwich bc FUCK HIM >:(

also the newborn joke made me audibly crack up like the bleak dry humor is fucking hilarious to me-

and i just love their dynamic? like the way you wrote their dialogue is just so natural, which seems simple on the outside but as fic writer i understand that writing believable dialogue is so INSANELY difficult like you literally have to be an a1 writer to nail it as good as you did in this fic!! the talent is screaming!! same goes for the smut!! it was so fucking hot and everything kook said had my coochie wet pls!! i just love the switch for apathetic to complete sex god uGh! i love u n this saur fucking much!!

nature cafe - @virgodolls (jjk x reader | s2l)

oh my goodness i love this so much! like when you told me you were a new writer on here i was already extremely excited, but after reading this, my excitement for your future works has doubled, TRIPLED! you are bringing something new and refreshing to the table! like don't get me wrong i looooveee smut (legit all i write is smut-) but slice of life content is kind of hard to find on this platform! so reading this was such a welcomed change and i loved it wholeheartedly!

you really have a knack for writing in the perspective of the character, which is not an easy thing to do AT ALL! ITS SO DIFFICULT! AND YOU EXECUTED IT SO FLAWLESSY HERE AND ITS ONLY YOUR FIRST FIC? PLS THE TALENT IS UNREAL!!

i also really loved this oc! as someone who is also v sensitive and easily overwhelmed, i didn't find her annoying at all, just incredibly endearing and relatable! THIS JUNGKOOK IS ALSO SUCH BOYFRIEND MATERIAL AND SO SWEET LIKE IM TRYING TO PICK HIM UP TOO UM??? anyways, thank you for sharing your writing! its definitely so scary at first but you did it and you should be v proud of yourself!! i am proud of you!!

[alatariel-gildaen]

Daryl Dixon - some rambling thoughts

I just finished watching and I have a few thoughts.

I know there are plenty of people with greater insight than me, but this is just what I have been left with over the course of the past 6 episodes (and the past 10+ years of the main show)

Firstly I want to talk in general about ship baiting. Now, I don't know if it's because I'm too neurodivergent to see anything other than Caryl, but people talk a lot about ship baiting and I just don't see it. Like, at all. There's no connection at all that I can see between Daryl and any other woman he appears on screen with, other than Carol. Whether that was B*th, C*nnie, or Isabelle. Let's not even talk about L*ah because that was just a dumbass mess that doesn't count, but those other three - if anyone can point me towards any moment at all where there was any indication that Daryl had some kind of deeper feeling for them please feel free to point it out, because I genuinely see nothing. Obviously, people are free to ship whatever they want to ship, but as far as baiting it is concerned? No. NR's acting choices shut down any baiting because Daryl absolutely wears his heart on his sleeve, and he is not showing me anything towards those other women.

Secondly, there has been a lot of talk about Daryl being OOC. Again, watching it, I genuinely don't see it. His entire motivation the whole series has been to get back home, and that never wavered. The OOC bit comes from the main series of him walking away from his family, but as in this series it's showing him trying to get back in every single episode, I don't see the OOCness people are talking about. He's still the Daryl we know and love. He cares about people, he's honourable, he does his best to do the right thing. Check, check, and check. Yes, he shouted horribly at Laurent in one scene, but we all have our breaking points, and that kid had just jeopardised not only Daryl getting home, but all of their lives.

Isabelle - I really want her to become walker chow. She manipulated Daryl from the word go, and that would be bad enough, but her saying to Daryl—a man abused by his father—that he was repeating history by trying to return to his actual family? Gtfo. That was manipulative and cruel to the extreme.

Which kinda leads me to the ending. Daryl not getting on the boat. Her cruel manipulation of Daryl isn't his motivation for staying behind - he's still a man of honour after all, and he's not going to let a young boy be eaten by a herd of walkers. You could see the thought of "for fucks sake" in his eyes when Laurent appeared. There's no happiness in him missing the boat, he's not chosen France over his family, he wasn't given an option at all.

I think when Carol gets to France she'll likely team up with Codron to track Daryl down. I can see him holding out as long as possible to not give up The Nest's location, but she'll rescue him and he'll be able to tell Carol where her Pookie is.

I'm sure there was more I wanted to talk about but my ADHD brain has decided to shut down for now, so if I think of more, I'll come back.

But all in all, my excitement is rekindled. Good things are coming for Caryl fans, of that I am certain.

[misc-obeyme]

Could you do a mc who has dyslexic and tell the brothers (and the in dateables please)

Hi there, anon, thank you for the request!

I don't have dyslexia, but I hope I managed to do all right with this. I did some research and tried to include different symptoms and strengths.

Please let me know if there's anything problematic about what I've written.

GN!MC has dyslexia and tells the brothers and dateables about it.

Warnings: MC has dyslexia. Mentions of negative self talk.

Lucifer

You have what? He's never heard of this. You have to explain to him what it means.

Ah, okay, will you be needing accommodations at RAD for this, MC? He wants you to be successful and he's ready to implement whatever will help you in this.

Wonders why you didn't tell him sooner. Seems genuinely confused by this. Explain you only tell people you trust. Now he's touched that you trust him enough to talk to him about it.

Supports you as much as possible, usually in a quiet subtle way. Occasionally reassures you that you're doing well. If you're the type that loses things, he gathers them for you as he finds them.

Mammon

Gets it right away. If our boy isn't neurodivergent in some way, it's gonna be a surprise to everyone. In that sense, he understands that you're different.

In fact, he may even figure it out before you tell him. But he'll wait for you to bring it up yourself. When you do, he's just like okay, no problem, MC. Doesn't make a big deal out of it. Doesn't treat you any differently.

Notices when you're struggling. If you also have dyscalculia or are otherwise having trouble with numbers, he can help with that. We all know he's good with numbers. Otherwise, he'll do whatever you ask if you need help.

Figures out your strengths, too. If you're good at reading people, he'll start to rely on you to tell whether or not he's being scammed. Runs all his ideas by you because you always have some interesting perspective he hadn't thought of.

Leviathan

Also understands as soon as you tell him. He knows what it's like to be a little different.

He's also good at helping you if you're feeling down about yourself. Levi talks badly about himself all the time, but he hates when you do it. Won't stand for it if you say something about being stupid.

If you want him to, he'll read extensive video game dialog out loud. Starts out normal, but eventually gets overly creative with it. Does different voices and everything. It's hilarious and you both end up laughing most of the time.

Will be paying attention to whether or not you seem like you're struggling with something, especially if you're both consuming some of his favorite media. He wants to be sure you're enjoying yourself, too, MC!

Satan

He knows all about it. Satan has read plenty of books about this very topic. Absolutely recognizes the signs before you tell him. Might try to help you out subtly until you tell him yourself.

Don't worry, MC. He fully understands. Please tell him exactly how it effects you, what specifically you struggle with, if you have any accompanying conditions (for instance, he has read that people with dyslexia often have ADHD as well).

He's you're study buddy. We know that Satan will tutor you as needed, so if you need extra help, he's on it. He's happy to spend time with you, going over whatever you need.

Will absolutely go flying off the handle if anyone ever says anything negative about you. Especially if some jerk of a demon calls you stupid or some variation of that. You can be sure the wrath will take over and he'll be in demon form before you know what's happening.

Asmodeus

Has never heard of this and needs you to explain it to him. Once you do, though, he has a similar reaction to Mammon's. Doesn't make a big deal out of it at all. Just accepts you as you are.

Asmo is always pampering you and this is no exception. Tell him what you need, MC! He's ready to help you with anything.

Won't stand for negative self talk. If you start doing this, he'll start kissing you all over your face to distract you. Tells you you're perfect.

Asmo quickly realizes that you have intensely creative ideas. He consults you all the time on things like what he's wearing, what kind of makeup he should use today, and so on. Your ideas are always unique and more than once he's ended up starting new trends because of your suggestions.

Beelzebub

He's going to need you to explain it to him. He asks you directly how you feel about it and what he can do to help. Tell him everything, MC.

Beel also recognizes your unique way of looking at things. Asks for your opinion on anything and everything. He tends to have a one track mind, especially when it comes to food. Your ability to look at things differently fascinates him.

He sees that you sometimes have trouble with being organized and this can result in sporadic meals. He always makes sure you're eating well. He often asks you to eat with him, that way if you haven't eaten already, you will now.

Always there to support you. Quietly stays by your side, ready to help. Not necessarily asking you about it all the time, but he's just around when you need him. Glares down anyone who dares to say anything negative about it.

Belphegor

Listens quietly as you tell him about it. Hasn't heard of it, so might ask you a lot of questions. Wants to understand this aspect of you.

Belphie is really good at being able to tell when you're overwhelmed. Takes you somewhere quiet so you can decompress. Asks you about how you're feeling so you can release some anxiety.

Similarly, he recognizes that your thoughts may be swirling by the end of the day and tries to do various relaxing activities with you so you can actually sleep. If you struggle with sleep for any reason, he's the right demon to help you with that.

Surprisingly aggressive with anyone who has the audacity to say anything negative to you about it. Gets an ominous black aura, Lucifer-style, and smiles in a terrifying way. Whoever is on the receiving end of this doesn't even have a chance to look at you funny before they are running away as fast as possible.

Diavolo

He's heard of this and now he's excited because humans are so fascinating! Tell him everything about it, please, he wants to learn.

Ah, okay, he gets it. You need some extra help with certain things. He knows how that is, he'd be totally lost without Barbatos around. He's ready to do whatever is needed to help you.

He won't make a big deal out of it, but he finds the little things that make you different really cute. If you misspell words in your D.D.D. messages, it makes him smile. If you randomly come up with some creative idea, he's always excited about it. You're just so cute, MC.

Nobody would dare to say anything bad about you in his presence, but if he hears about rumors or any such things, he will take action. Will not tolerate such things happening at RAD.

Barbatos

Yes, he is familiar with this condition. He asks you many questions, though, as he understands that it can be different for everyone.

Obviously he makes you some special tea blend. He invites you over for tea parties so he can serve it to you. Mixes in your favorite flavors, too. Insists that you need to drink it regularly. This might actually be true, but he also just wants to spend time with you.

Asks for your help with baking a lot, too. Mostly because you come up with some amazing ideas that always turn out to be delicious. Straight up changes some of his recipes due to your suggestions.

Makes sure you're taking good care of yourself. He knows that the brothers are probably on top of it, but he worries about you. He knows you can get disorganized and overwhelmed. Checks in with you regularly.

Simeon

He has no idea what it is so he listens carefully to your explanation. Gently accepting. Doesn't want to push you to tell him too much, but wants to know what you're comfortable talking to him about.

Thoughtful about it. Spends some time just observing how you act in various situations and then adjusts his own behavior accordingly. Due to this, he always knows when you're struggling with something. He's here for you, MC.

Good at redirecting things, talking you through things, or asking you specific questions to figure out what you need. Can sometimes overdo it, acting careful when you're good. Tell him as much and he checks himself immediately. Always asks for your insight on things before proceeding.

Loves cooking with you. Reads the recipes out loud as though reading them to himself, even if you don't really need him to. Fascinated by how you can come up with some seemingly crazy idea just to have it turn out amazing.

Solomon

Figures it out on his own. He's familiar with this condition and he recognizes the symptoms in you right away. Might even drop some hints that he suspects you have it. If you don't confirm it, he won't push. When you finally tell him, he nods knowingly.

Due to you being his apprentice, Solomon takes the time to figure out how to best teach you magic. If you struggle with memorizing things (like spells), he'll work to figure out how to make it easier for you.

Will absolutely spend as much time with you as needed to make sure you get all the help you need while learning from him. Magic is no joke, MC, and he's not about to let you get into anything dangerous because he didn't teach you correctly.

Constantly tells you how proud of you he is. Sees how hard you work. Even if you're quiet about your struggles, he knows about them. He doesn't want you to ever feel like you're not good enough. Reminds you of all the things you've done and everything you can do.

Luke

He's never heard of this, but he gets very serious and listens very carefully when you explain it to him. He's curious about this part of you and will ask you questions about it. You're so interesting, MC!

As with some of the others, Luke recognizes your creativity quickly. He's always asking for your opinion on all kinds of things. Asks you to come over all the time to sample his baking and give him suggestions.

Probably not very good at helping with the things you struggle with. Might try to help you with things you don't need help with. Just tell him you're good and he'll figure it out. Once he does, though, he gets better at helping you out when you actually need it.

Will absolutely yell at anyone he thinks is giving you a hard time. Pulls out some of his sass because he won't stand for it. You might have to calm him down a little.

masterlist | Thank you for reading!

[sevi007]

Tales of the Abyss part 51

Now, let's hear what Van got to say!

Oh Luke...

Alright, I'm afraid part of Luke still has not really grasped that the man he trusted and thought to be his friend never had his well-being in mind. He actually seems to hope he can still TALK about this with Van, which is. Pretty sure already a no-go. Van seems dead-set on whatever, and seems to hold little to no regard for Luke as the "replica".

... I feel like we are not even being taken seriously as potential enemies.

I think that's what the replica's are for...

I could list several other ways on the fly but I'm hearing him out.

Please note, this was NOT going to be on my list XD

*whisper* I forgot who Lorelei is

Saved by Anise

Though now wondering what an "aggregate sentience" is. I will look that up after XD

I will use that reasoning for any and all neurodivergent thing happening to me now.

Can't we just. Forbid the Score. Not read the Score. Destroy the thingy-stones where the Score is on. Etc. Etc.

Soooo, how do I have to imagine that. Is Van and Co going to be only people which are "originals" among an entire population of replicas? Is that it? And again - what is stopping the replicas to just pick up the Score again -

Ah wait! Luke wasn't in the Score, right. So replicas are all not in the Score? I guess? Which would make it obsolete.

But there are still better ways, dammit!

Despite the sheer insanity of the plan, kinda proud that I guessed correctly. Again! I'm good at guessing games! =D

Or the writing is neat and foreshadows things. That, too.

I agree that that's fucked up, but your plan is more fucked up.

You out-fucked-up the entire thing, congratulations, you won.

Huh?

Yeaaaa. So what. Guy was probably a teen back then, and he changed. He grew.

Apparently, you did not.

I am NOT saying Van has no right to his feelings. The entire thing with Hod is fucked up, as I already said when Tear's Grandpa revealed that they always KNEW it would happen and did nothing about it. But Van's way of doing things is sick and just screams that he should have gotten a lot of damn therapy. How is killing the entire population (plus planet, if I look at his plans to replicate entire areas) any better than what they did? How does it trump, say, abolish the Score and Order of Lorelei and start a different way of living?

He is willing to kill his own sister, he said, if she does not see things his way. He is willing to replicate people against their wills, use those replicas, and them kill them without a blink. Man's clearly has lost it as some point. I feel sorry for him, I do. I'm just saying we cannot let him continue, anyway.

And with that - I ran into the picture limit! Yaaaay! XD @ahsokaisawesome @magicmetslogic

[witchlingcirce]

Okay so I’m real bored and I just want to give out some book recommendations by MWAH !!!!!!!

Howls moving castle

Synopsis: Sophie has the great misfortune of being the eldest of three daughters, destined to fail miserably should she ever leave home to seek her fate. But when she unwittingly attracts the ire of the Witch of the Waste, Sophie finds herself under a horrid spell that transforms her into an old lady. Her only chance at breaking it lies in the ever-moving castle in the hills: the Wizard Howl's castle. To untangle the enchantment, Sophie must handle the heartless Howl, strike a bargain with a fire demon, and meet the Witch of the Waste head-on. Along the way, she discovers that there's far more to Howl-and herself-than first meets the eye.

Okay so now obviously everyone knows Howl’s moving castle from the movie (10/10 movie please watch). But honestly the book is so different!! I really feel like the book shines in a different way that the movies does. If you’ve seen the movie than the book is like if the movie versions of these characters do crack. This book was so light and easy, and if your able to get your hands on the audiobook I legit can’t recommend it enough. Howl is such a fun a character, and Sophie is just so silly. This book just remains so consistent and honestly I feel like the writing style almost makes these characters feel alive!!

The ocean at the end of the lane

Synopsis: A middle-aged man returns to his childhood home to attend a funeral. Although the house he lived in is long gone, he is drawn to the farm at the end of the road, where, when he was seven, he encountered a most remarkable girl, Lettie Hempstock, and her mother and grandmother. He hasn't thought of Lettie in decades, and yet as he sits by the pond (a pond that she'd claimed was an ocean) behind the ramshackle old farmhouse, the unremembered past comes flooding back. And it is a past too strange, too frightening, too dangerous to have happened to anyone, let alone a small boy.

This book genuinely is not what I was expecting it to be but nonetheless was so exceptional. If you’re not familiar with Gaimens work, just know that’s a line. He wrote the novels for Good Omens and Coraline, which are both very famous movie/TV shows! The best way I can describe Gaimens work is literally that it’s so British. This book for me was consistently unexpected, in my mind I was like “this is going to happen!” And it didn’t! Not in like a plot-twisty way, in a “I was nottt expecting that”. This book takes an interesting approach on the concept of lost childhood memories. I think it’s a concept you don’t usually see but I feel like the way Gaimen handled it just made it so interesting. I truly felt for the narrator throughout this novel, this poor boy!

This is Amiko, do you copy?

Synopsis: Other people don't seem to understand Amiko. Whether eating curry rice with her hands at school or peeking through the sliding doors at her mother's calligraphy class, her curious, exuberant nature mostly meets with confusion. When her mother falls into a depression and her brother begins spending all his time with a motorcycle gang, Amiko is left increasingly alone to navigate a world where she doesn't quite fit.

AH!! This book was honestly so interesting to read and I highly recommend to anyone who is fond of Fujimoto's 'Goodbye Eri' and 'Look back'. The writing in this book was honestly top TIER. I think writing this book's perspective from a neurodivergent girl's POV in a society that doesn't really accept that is so interesting. Throw it into the context of her dysfunctional family who after a major event kind of fall part and no one is there to help her in some many different aspects of life is really interesting. I think this and the ocean at the end of the lane are the shortest here on this list but I really do recommend. Out of all the books I’ve recommended I will say this is the most depressing, but something about this book is soooo I don’t know how to put it. It’s definitely one of those books that will leave you thinking awhile after you’ve read it. I can stress enough how much of this book is worth to read!! It’s so tragic.

The space between here and now

Synopsis: Perfect for fans of They Both Die at the End and You've Reached Sam, this gripping, atmospheric YA novel follows a teen with a mysterious condition that transports her to the past when she smells certain scents linked to specific memories. Seventeen-year-old Aimee Roh has Sensory Time Warp Syndrome, a rare condition that causes her to time travel to a moment in her life when she smells something linked to that memory. Her dad is convinced she'll simply grow out of it if she tries hard enough, but Aimee's fear of vanishing at random has kept her from living a normal life. When Aimee disappears for nine hours into a memory of her estranged mom--a moment Aimee has never remembered before--she becomes distraught. Not only was this her longest disappearance yet, but the memory doesn't match up with the story of how her mom left--at least, not the version she's always heard from her dad. Desperate for answers, Aimee travels to Korea, where she unravels the mystery of her memories, the truth about her mother, and the reason she keeps returning to certain moments in her life. Along the way, she realizes she'll need to reconcile her past in order to save her present.

The concept of this book is really interesting and is executed in a really fun and new way. I feel like in a lot of 'time travel' books it gets too complicated or it just ends up lacking any sense and at some point stops making sense. This book didn't have that problem; having her 'time travel' be her going back to her memories was such a cool concept, and she executed it so well. I really enjoyed her descriptions of what it feels like to travel, and I'm glad she went into depth with it instead of leaving it up to the imagination. This book also did really well in showing that our main character was a teenager. Something about the way she wrote really made us feel like we were in a teenage girl's head-not in a choppy or bad way where it made you roll your eyes, but in a way that made you able to relate to the character. I also really liked how likable our main character was; it added to the reading experience! Also, I really liked how the main mystery of the plot was resolved; it was really interesting, and honestly, it wasn't expected! And to add onto what I said before, the time travel powers almost feel like they could be the powers of a life is strange protagonist if that makes any sense to anyone.

Immortal longings

Synopsis: Every year, thousands in the kingdom of Talin will flock to its capital twin cities, San-Er, where the palace hosts a set of games. For those confident enough in their ability to jump between bodies, competitors across San-Er fight to the death to win unimaginable riches. Princess Calla Tuoleimi lurks in hiding. Five years ago, a massacre killed her parents and left the palace of Er empty...and she was the one who did it. Before King Kasa's forces in San can catch her, she plans to finish the job and bring down the monarchy. Her reclusive uncle always greets the victor of the games, so if she wins, she gets her opportunity at last to kill him. Enter Anton Makusa, an exiled aristocrat. His childhood love has lain in a coma since they were both ousted from the palace, and he's deep in debt trying to keep her alive. Thankfully, he's one of the best jumpers in the kingdom, flitting from body to body at will. His last chance at saving her is entering the games and winning. Calla finds both an unexpected alliance with Anton and help from King Kasa's adopted son, August, who wants to mend Talin's ills. But the three of them have very different goals, even as Calla and Anton's partnership spirals into something all-consuming. Before the games close, Calla must decide what she's playing for-her lover or her kingdom.

I remember I read this for the book club I was in last year and I am forever grateful. I was a little hesitant going into this book because I genuinely did not really like either these violent delight books. However this book is actually so good. If you’re in a reading slump I highly recommend this novel to get you out. This plot follows genuinely a really interesting concept, and I liked the way body hopping was kind of represented. I also do feel like it’s an interesting play on this kind of hunger games concept. However I will warn you the body hopping powers are confusing but just go along with it. The actual world of this is inspired by an old city in China (which name I have forgotten) but if you compare to what that city looked like and to what’s described in the book Chloe gets it down to a T. The plot twists of these books are genuinely just so much fun. There’s so many little hints scattered around it makes you want you get a bulletin board and put the little lines up. Not to mention the ENDINGG, I was gagged. The sequel is this novel is also coming out later this year as well!

Uhm anyways guys I love reading so much my Spotify told me to stop listening to audiobooks and get a life 😭😭😭 who wants to be my goodreads friend

[imagine-silk]

This feels VERY ableist hello? Why is everyone babying him. Why are you making it seem like something is wrong with him for being "dumb"? And curie wanting to *study him?* Neurodivergent people aren't CASE STUDIES. And Nick doesn't have to "baby sit" a full grown man, because, shocker, we are not fucking babies 😁 hope this helps

Ah, I've made someone mad.

I'll break this down.

I didn't write this as a neurodivergent character. The ask said 1 INT Nate and compared it to the 1 INT courier so I looked up that for a refresher and low and behold everyone treats the courier like that. People from New Vegas baby and pick on the courier if they have this trait. I didn't write him autistic, I wrote him dumb.

I am neurodivergent and I would have written something very different if the ask was about autism. I've gotten asks that have asked for that so I figured if it specified for the low intelligence from New Vegas I might as well commit to it, even if I myself felt it was a bit mean(I put it in the little note on top of the post). I don't like it when people treat me like that so I get it. I'm gonna assume you haven't seen previous posts I've done where I'm talking about it so there it is. I've yelled at anons for infantalizing autistic people so I get it.

Also I'm just making this as exaggeration entertainment. I kind of want it to be unique and funny but by no means do I think you should treat people like the way some of the characters do. These are characters. This isn't real. It's supposed to be silly and completely non-serious.

And please don't do the passive-aggressive "Hope this helps". I get it but I'm just kind of tired of it. You've got a good heart but you're yelling at the wrong person.

[brineffxiv]

I can't believe it. I think I'm still in shock. I'm in the past. The ancients' world. The world unsundered.

(accidentally left this picture in the last post when I cut it in half. Pretend I didn't do that please, XD)

Getting some fridge logic that modern peoples probably have the Ascians to thank for Aetherytes. Yes, we reverse-engineered the technology from the Allagans, but the ancients clearly have the same structures. Seems to me the logical middle step is that the Ascians assisted the Allagans in developing the technology.

...Anyway, that's not important right now...

Argos! And...

Venat? It must be. That's the only person I can think she could be. And it makes sense. She looks to have the same appearance as the form Hydaelyn took on the boat. Oh boy. I am filled with nervousness at the prospect of meeting her...

And finally, you must be Hermes. And... I don't have the slightest clue who the little bird person is.

I do not spy any likely candidates for Elidibus in this zone's preview, despite knowing I must meet him at some point. Hmmm...

You wouldn't believe me if I told you.

I don't even know if I want to tell you. I don't even know if I can.

How do I explain what you became? That I killed you? How do I tell you that you will soon lose everything dear to you in the entire world, spend over twelve thousand years fighting to restore a fraction of it, and ultimately fail?

Hythlodaus made me a robe out of butterflies! I am never taking this off. Aaaaa!

Hythlodaeus also advises that, if anyone asks, I tell them I'm Azem's familiar. What, uh, what exactly has ancient me been up to to earn this sort of reputation?

Yes, please, assume I have no common sense. I wish to know ALL the worldbuilding details.

We are searching for Hermes by appearance, which is a novelty! He apparently has short, dark hair. I see I was correct in assuming that's who he was in the preview.

Found him!

Hermes is working by some pools, with creatures that appear to be axolotls?

Oh! Um, hi?

You're adorable. Okay. I'll be your friend. You talk a bit funny, are you intended to be neurodivergent?

Oh neat! You can talk in my mind? That--

Wait. Hang on. I see that "Hear, Feel, Think" in there.

Suddenly you are ominous.

Hythlodaeus and Emet-Selch catch up with me, and the former makes introductions. Hythlodaeus already has a working relationship with Hermes through their jobs, though it has been some time since they have seen each other in person.

Hermes seems... apprehensive upon being introduced to a member of the Convocation.

Meteion's avid interest in me saves me from having to make my own introduction, and to explain why I'm here. I get to learn about her instead! She is a personal project of Hermes' that he hasn't submitted for approval yet. Her aether is really thin. Her name means "shooting star". All very important pieces of information, I am sure. I am watching this blue bird girl like a hawk. Ain't no way she's dropping the "hear, feel, think" line without being Significant.

The lads are here to have a Serious Business meeting with Hermes, but first he must put the ambystomas away. Unfortunately, one is missing.

Hythlodaeus may have found it... up a tree??

I must concur with Emet-Selch's bafflement. These things can climb?

Oh, my mistake, they can fly.

But, just because they can get up does not mean they can get down. Hermes runs off to rescue the creature, followed by Meteion. Followed by me. Hythlodaeus and Emet-Selch stay behind to watch the rest of the ambystomas, which Hermes seems to have forgotten in his haste.

...Hermes, are you okay?

Heh. Hehehe... I didn't. I certainly didn't expect the Fandaniel I know, but... I... This is so wholesome!

Ah... Elpis makes me happy.

Hermes falls out of the tree, but he's okay, and the ambystoma is rescued, so all's well that ends well!

Aww, thank you. I will!

.

.

.

Oh, that's nice.

Wait.

Ktisis?

Ktiseos.

I... Have a bad feeling about this.

[battyaboutbooksreviews]

🦇 Late Bloomer Book Review 🦇

Rating: ⭐⭐⭐⭐

❓ #QOTD What's your favorite type of flower? ❓ 🦇 After winning the lottery, Opal Devlin puts all her money in a failing flower farm, only to find an angry (albeit gorgeous) Pepper Boden already living there. Though she's unable to find her grandmother's will, Pepper claims she's the rightful owner of Thistle and Bloom Farms. While they agree to cohabitate, Opal and Pepper clash at every turn. Can something softer blossom between these polar opposites, allowing a new dream to take root and grow?

💜 Oh. My. (Sappho.) Goddess. You may think you know Mazey Eddings' writing style, but I assure you, you do not. Many of us read The Plus One and/or Tily in Technicolor last year, but truly, Eddings has far exceeded herself with this one. As a neurodiverse author, Eddings' stories often have some element of neurodiversity / mental health, shining a light on the different ways people's brains work while embracing those differences through beautiful, realistic characters. Opal and Pepper are no different, both on the spectrum yet unique in their behaviors and view of the world. These women are not predictable, pre-programmed components of a story; they are ever-blooming, learning how to plant roots alongside one another, share sunlight, and rise despite being different species. Both plants, growing and adapting to different elements, yet very much the same. While Opal and Pepper have always struggled to fit in with the world around them, they manage to cultivate a safe, healthy garden for one another.

💜 This is one of those overwhelming, layered, awe-inspiring sapphic stories that will tug at your heartstrings long after you read it. Eddings' language leaps off the page, making it a little reminiscent of One Last Stop (be still, my little sapphic heart). I've beyond annotated Late Bloomer, when I'm usually selective about choosing quotes. You don't just see love blossom between these two women; you feel it. It made me smile, laugh, get all messy and misty-eyed. As I said, neither woman is predictable. Opal feels directionless at the story's start, allowing her (fake) best friend and (on/off) ex to step all over her. I expected her to be the wallflower, especially with the BITE we see from Pepper (pun unintended) in her first chapter, but the two balance each other out. When Pepper feels uncertain or anxious, Opal steps forward, bold and unwavering. When Opal begins to crumble, Pepper holds her up. They support each other, never allowing the other to wilt.

💙 Unfortunately, this book relies heavily on miscommunication. Both women are eager to hide their real feelings at the risk of scaring the other. That lack of communication continues until almost the last chapter.

🦇 Recommended for fans of One Last Stop and Imogen, Obviously. Side note: please, please read the author's note. Good goddess.

✨ The Vibes ✨ 🌼 Neurodivergency/Autism Spectrum 🌸 Sapphic Romance 🌷 Grief/Healing 🌹 Forced Proximity ⚡ Spicy/First Time 🪻 Cottage Core Vibes 🪻 One Bed ⚡ Touch Her and You Die 🌹 Dual POV 🌷 Miscommunication 🌸 Flower Competition 🌻 Grumpy/Sunshine

🦇 Major thanks to the author @mazeyeddings and publisher for providing an ARC of this book via Netgalley. 🥰 This does not affect my opinion regarding the book. #LateBloomer

💬 Quotes ❝ I’m constantly trying to define myself, to fit nicely and neatly into the boxes and spaces I attempt to occupy. All I’ve ever really wanted to do was belong. Somewhere. Anywhere. ❞ ❝ Slowly, she leans toward me, and my heart pounds so violently in my chest that my head swims. Is she . . . It almost seems like she’s going to press that smile to my mouth. Teach me how it tastes. ❞ ❝ I gave up perfection in any other aspect of my life long ago. It’s simply not possible with a brain like mine. But my art is different; it’s the better version of me, the one I wish people could know me by. ❞ ❝ Ah. There’s the you I missed. ❞ ❝ I used to stress over finding a label that fit me. Lesbian. Bisexual. Pan. Demi . . . I’ve filtered through them all many times over, none ever feeling quite right. Just say queer and move on with your life, Diksha finally told me late one night after what was probably my sixth sexual identity crisis of my early twenties. But what does that mean? I’d wailed, draining more boxed wine into my plastic cup. My brain loves order and labels and concise frameworks to understand things, and not knowing where I fit feels unbearable. It means you’re you, and only you get to decide who you like and when you like them, Tal had said from their chair in the corner. The name of your feelings isn’t anyone’s business but yours. ❞ ❝ But instead, she reaches out to me— opening her hand like a flower unfurling its petals to the sun. I stare at it. The ink stains and calluses and chipped nails and bitten cuticles. For a moment, that hand looks like a second chance. ❞ ❝ Fuck anything and anyone that made you have to survive instead of live. You deserve a life so peaceful it feels deliciously boring. A life filled with flowers and sunny days and people that show you all the time that you’re valued and worthy. You deserve it all.” ❞ ❝ “Her poems spoke softly— as intimately as confessions between lovers—about the terrible, wonderful ache of being in love.” ❞ ❝ Messy and radiant and ours. ❞

[kitkatt0430]

Wedge, Lando, Mara Jade, and Chewbacca for the character bingo!

Wedge:

I know Wedge best from the X-Wing books I've read and a few other Legends books here and there. And I always get SOOOOO excited to see him pop up in the books. Usually leading Rogue Squad. Except when he's leading Wraith Squad.

He is absolutely the reasonable adult in the room and accidentally dad to his Rogue & Wraith squads. But oh, he gets the angst as bad as anyone who gets main character status in the extended Star Wars universe. At least one of his love interests is murdered :( poor dear.

He has to put up with being tangentially associated to Jedi nonsense through multiple characters - most notably Luke Skywalker and Corran Horn - but because he's a good friend and a good person to have your back in a crisis, he never complains. They're his people, he's gonna be there for them.

Lando:

He's a con man turned legit business owner, though it's a different business every time I check in on him in Legends. lol

So he spends some time in Legends dating Mara Jade. This is later retconned into the two of them going under cover with fake dating to do some recon and Mara was probably plotting his murder the entire time. Though she only wore his clothes (better than him) and probably stole a few of the man's true love interests (his cloaks). But Lando definitely sees himself as the suave playboy, which I enjoy about him so much. (Leia/Han/Lando please???)

Lando is often the adult in the room. He has no idea how this happened and is in perpetual fake it 'til you make it mode when it happens. I love this about him and I'm always excited to see him get put in a situation. Especially when Han and/or Leia are involved. And if he gets whumped... ;)

He introduced Luke to hot chocolate, canonically (Legends), and I adore that because he looked at this Jedi of growing legendariness and accurately diagnosed him with 'perpetually a farmboy at heart'.

Mara Jade:

Ah, my favorite Emperor's Hand, given the final mandate of killing Luke Skywalker upon the Emperor's death. Quite likely my favorite of Timothy's Zahn's Star Wars OCs, (though Karrde and Thrawn are close seconds) and she is absolutely a bit feral. Cryptid energy absolutely.

I adore that she spends so much of the Thrawn Trilogy (Legends) being driven by the Emperor's final command to kill Luke while also fighting it pretty hard while Luke is just, like... batting his eyes and going 'is this friendship? This is friendship. Leia, look at my new bestie!!!' (While Leia watches in bemusement before heading off on her own weird adventure. While being a badass pregnant woman the whole time.)

She is a trouble magnet in much the same vein as Luke too. Which is fun. I'd say she's an unapologetically Mary Sue character, which is well done here. She's a nuanced character with flaws, no one seems sure why they like her at first but she grows on them while she's actively fighting them growing on her too, and she is absolutely the one with the brain cell on Karrde's bridge every time he pulls some crazy stunt.

She's the only love interest Luke has that I don't wind up getting bored with, so it's convenient that she's the one he actually marries... and the way they go about it is they're besties and not romantic at all, but then realize that they're just... happier together and they get married once they're out of danger. Married QPPs anyone???

If not autistic then Mara definitely has some kind of neurodivergence going on, she has that ND putting up with nonsense energy so hard.

Chewbacca:

I love Chewbacca so much. Definitely can do no wrong. Oldest character on the OG main cast, fought alongside Yoda in the clone wars, taken from his home to be enslaved, rescued by this idiot child (Han) whom he becomes a parental/older sibling to because goodness knows Han would get himself killed once a week without Chewie there looking after him.

He's definitely playing up the Wookie stereotypes on occasion for the fun of it, exuding cryptid energy in the process. Is he feral? Is he just playing on stereotypes to win at space-chess? C-3PO & R2 would certainly prefer not to find out the answer.