#but it is still hard for me to not feel guilty

[yuujispinkhair]

I WANNA BE YOUR ENDGAME – Chapter 13

🏒❤️ A Hockey Romance feat. modern!Sukuna

Pairing: HockeyPlayer!Sukuna x Reader (female) Genre: College AU, Hockey AU, fluff + smut Playlist: I wanna be your Endgame Word Count: 4.5k Warnings: 18+, smut, cigarettes, alcohol. Fuckbuddies to lovers. Reader is a creative writing student. Sukuna is an ice hockey player + history student. This story will have approximately 16 chapters. Minors don't interact. Header by me. Divider @/benkeibear

MASTERLIST

When your boyfriend is an ice hockey player, finding time for a date can be tough. Sure, you and Sukuna always spend lunch breaks together, meet in the library, or tumble into bed together in between practice or assignments. But planning something that goes beyond those everyday things is quite the challenge.

Sukuna's days are filled with a busy schedule. Hockey training, team meetings, morning runs, daily gym sessions, and seemingly endless hours of watching and analyzing his opponents' games. Sukuna doesn't just give 100% but 200%. It's a trait you find incredibly hot, but it also makes it hard to find time for a date.

Sukuna says he would skip practice for you. But you don't want that. It would make you feel guilty. You know how important hockey is to him, and you love how invested he is. But you certainly can't say no when he stands in front of you with his sexy, boyish grin and tells you,

"If you don't want me to skip practice for a date, then join me at the gym or on my morning runs."

So yes, you blame Sukuna's charming personality and your own foolishness for getting yourself into this situation: jogging down the dark road long before the rest of the campus comes alive, panting loudly and coughing as you run as fast as you can, in your desperate attempt of trying to keep up with your super athletic boyfriend, who jogs several meters before you at a, for his standards, very leisurely pace.

You know he is holding back for you. It makes your own poor attempt even more pathetic. Sukuna doesn't even break a sweat. When he turns to smirk at you, he looks perfect, as always, winking at you and making flirty teasing comments as if he is chilling on the couch with you and not jogging across the campus at an ungodly hour in the morning.

Sukuna looks mouth-watering. As if he is grinning at you from the cover of a Men's Health magazine. Sleeveless black compression shirt and red shorts that give you the best view of Sukuna's firm ass and those tantalizing thigh tattoos that still make you lose your mind every time you see them. His buff muscles flex attractively with every move. His lopsided boyish grin only adds to his overall handsome features. Sukuna looks sexy as hell.

Something you don't think can be said about you at this moment. You were skeptical from the moment Sukuna suggested joining him on his morning runs so you could spend more time together. You are fully aware of how unathletic you are and how super athletic Sukuna is. But it touches you that he asked you to join him, obviously wanting to spend more time with you. And so you agreed.

But right now, you regret saying yes. It's six in the morning, you have had no breakfast yet, and you feel nauseous from all the physical activity. You are panting and sweating heavily, but no matter how fast you run, you can't keep up with your hockey boyfriend.

Sukuna looks over his broad shoulder as he slows down even more, a playful smirk on his face, as he calls out to you,

"Come on, princess, catch me!"

"I.. ah...ah, I can't..."

Sukuna just laughs and turns around fully, running backwards now so he can look at you. You feel embarrassment creeping over you, knowing full well that you must look like a mess. Sweating and out of breath. Completely at your limit.

"Don't look at me, Kuna!"

But your boyfriend just smirks even broader, his maroon eyes filled with amusement, as he teases you,

"Why? I thought you like to get my attention?"

But the teasing playfulness vanishes from his face a second later when you suddenly stumble over your own feet, overcome by a sudden wave of dizziness and nausea. You gasp loudly, but before you can fall, Sukuna is already in front of you. Catching you once again before you hit the ground.

"Careful, princess. Are you okay?"

His strong arms hold you up, his low voice that was so teasing a second ago now filled with genuine worry.

You hum weakly, seeing black spots dancing before your eyes as you practically slump into Sukuna's muscular arms, unable to stay upright by yourself.

"I... hate... running. Especially in the mornings. I don't think my blood circulation is made for this."

You turn your head, burying your face in Sukuna's broad chest, clinging tightly to him, hiding your face in his chest. You feel his strong arms tightening reassuringly around you, and you slump bonelessly against his tall, firm body.

Sukuna laughs softly, a low rumbling in his chest that you don't just hear but also feel against your cheek,

"Why didn't you tell me you don't like morning runs? I would have never asked you to join me if I knew."

"Because I thought it was really sweet of you to ask. And I wanted to spend more time with you."

Sukuna laughs again, hugging you even tighter to him as he rests his chin on your head.

"Yeah, well, I only want to take you on dates you actually can enjoy. Not ones that make you pass out."

You shake your head, laughing into Sukuna's chest,

"I guess this date failed. Sorry!"

"Don't be sorry, sweetheart. I will find a better idea. Hey, if I let go of you for a second, can you stand, or will you fall over?"

You lift your head, looking up at Sukuna's tattooed face, nodding slowly as you loosen your tight grip on his tanktop,

"Yeah... I can stand."

Sukuna watches you for a long moment as if he needs to make sure, but then he carefully takes a step back, slowly letting go of you. But only to turn around and bend down and point a long tattooed finger at his muscular back.

"Come on, princess, hop on. I'll carry you."

You don't even try to turn down his offer. You are too exhausted and too wobbly on your legs to even think about walking home by yourself. And, after all, Sukuna is strong.

You climb onto his broad back, grateful for his strong, large hands that wrap around your calves, helping you and giving you a feeling of safety as Sukuna straightens up to his proud 6'3" height.

You let out a relieved breath as he starts walking, carrying you piggyback seemingly without any problems. You slump against Sukuna's muscular back, hugging him tightly and wrapping your legs around him, feeling like some koala with the way you cling to him.

"Thank you, baby."

Sukuna snorts, followed by a low chuckle,

"You're welcome, princess. Just don't puke over my hair!"

You groan loudly, but it turns into a laugh when you reach out to ruffle Sukuna's pink hair playfully,

"Wouldn't that be a cute date?"

Sukuna carries you all the way back to his dorm and into his apartment, past his brother, who stands in the kitchen and grins at the two of you as he lifts a coffee mug in greeting.

"Interesting new morning workout, bro."

"Shut up, brat. The real workout will happen in the shower, so you better fuck off and give us some privacy."

Making you hide your face in Sukuna's broad back while the twins bicker with each other about their sex lives or lack of.

Sukuna really carries you into the bathroom and slams the door shut behind you, finally letting you carefully slide off his back. Only to corner you against the door with a flirty smirk on his handsome face and his large tattooed hands pulling your t-shirt up.

"I wasn't joking, you know. Be my workout partner in the shower."

His lips find yours, kissing you heatedly while you both tear at each other's workout clothes. And only a short moment later, you get swooped up again and carried into the shower, where Sukuna has you pushed up against the shower wall in no time at all, swallowing your moans with his lips while he fucks you with fast, deep thrusts.

Twenty minutes later, you stand next to Sukuna in front of the bathroom mirror, applying your skincare while stealing slightly flustered glances at your boyfriend, who just fucked your brains out even after carrying you across campus.

Sukuna doesn't look flustered at all but instead grins at you when he catches you staring in the mirror,

"I guess I made up for our failed morning-run-date, huh?"

You splutter helplessly, but Sukuna's grin just turns bigger. He grabs his cherry-scented hair gel, applying it meticulously, while he tells you in a much more serious voice,

"I promise you, I will take you on the best date, princess."

But before the two of you find time for a date, Saturday rolls around, which means ice hockey. The Tigers play at home, and so you and Nobara stroll to the arena to watch Sukuna's game. Of course, Nobara complains on the whole way, but you just grin to yourself, knowing that she would never let you down and will always drag her pretty ass off the couch to keep you company at your boyfriend's games.

She is in the middle of a rant about how stupid she finds hockey players when you receive a text message from one of said players. A smile spreads over your face as you read it. You jerk your chin towards Nobara and stop her monologue by telling her,

"Sukuna arranged for us to have special seats."

Nobara's eyes widen, and she lunges towards you, grabbing your hand to yank your phone towards her before you can stop her. Her eyebrows shoot to the sky as she reads Sukuna's message with the casual "Love you, baby" and your reply, which is equally lovey-dovey.

"The two of you are so disgustingly cute. It makes me want to puke!"

You huff, feeling your face get hot even as you start to argue with her, but Nobara shuts you down by laughing and linking her arm with yours, pulling you along into the already super crowded arena. She grins at you, yelling over the loud noises in the arena,

"At least your Kirby boy got us better seats! I hope we also get free drinks and snacks!"

"I don't think that's how it works, Nobara!"

But you can't stop smiling broadly as you make your way through the crowd. The new seats are really amazing. They are probably the best in the whole arena, with a perfect view of the rink and the snack stand only a few rows away.

The players enter the ice a few minutes later, and you feel the familiar adrenaline fill your veins. You have come to absolutely love the atmosphere in the hockey arena. The excitement, the loud cheers, the sound of the metal blades on the ice, and the hockey sticks meeting each other.

Sukuna enters the ice, and your eyes are instantly glued to him. His helmet is casually tugged under one arm as he lifts his head proudly. He looks so hot. Tall and broad with that sexy conviction written all over his tattooed face. Everyone can see how intent on winning he is. Ambitious and confident.

The whole arena chants his name, but his gaze immediately strays to you. A lazy, sexy smirk spreads over Sukuna's tattooed face as he lifts a large hand in greeting.

You draw in a sharp breath, Sukuna's intense, deep gaze hitting you so hard somehow, making everything even more real at that moment. This is Sukuna's first game, that you watch since the two of you became a couple. This sexy guy on the ice isn't just your fuckbuddy anymore, not just the hot hockey player who somehow decided you are his lucky charm. Sukuna is your boyfriend!

A stupid smile lifts your lips. You feel light-headed all of a sudden as Sukuna's smirk softens into a smile, too. He winks at you, making a kissy face in your direction, completely unashamed about this very public display of affection.

A happy giggle escapes your broadly smiling lips as you beam at Sukuna. You mouth the words "Good luck!" and Sukuna smiles broadly at you, mouthing something back while pointing at you, and you think it means, "I will score a goal for you, baby."

You blow him a kiss, hearing Nobara next to you make a retching noise.

But you don't care about the groaning coming from Nobara as you sit down on your seat again, getting ready to watch your boyfriend's ice hockey game.

Sukuna is marvelous as always, leaving you starstruck with his fast and brutal play style. He's skating across the rink at neck-break speed, skilled and confident, like the King that he is. Yuuji and Todo are on his left and right, body-checking their opponents to keep them away from Sukuna. And Sukuna takes on the rest of the players who dare get in his way, slamming them into the boards or onto the ice with his full body weight, not letting anyone or anything stop him on his way to the goal.

When Sukuna scores the first time, the puck hits the net so hard it almost seems to tear, and the whole arena is on their feet, screaming and cheering, celebrating their star player. Sukuna pushes one hand in the air in a victorious gesture, his brother jumping onto his back, yanking Sukuna's helmet off to ruffle his pink hair, making Sukuna laugh, looking so genuinely happy that it makes your heart thump wildly.

You are in the stands clapping and cheering, smiling from ear to ear, when Sukuna's maroon gaze finds you, and he grins proudly at you. He says something again, and this time, you can read it unmistakenly off his lips,

"For you."

It sends the butterflies in your stomach fluttering crazily, and you laugh and lift your hands in a big heart, laughing even louder when Nobara elbows you,

"Oh, stop it! You are so embarrassing! I swear he looks so fucking stupid like that! And now you also join in. I cannot do this! I will get a sugar shock from all the disgusting sweetness!"

But you keep laughing and feel your heart race when Sukuna grins and winks at you, making another kissy face in your direction. He doesn't mind that the whole hockey arena sees what he is doing. Everyone can know that you are his, and he is yours. And you know 100% that anyone who dares make a rude comment about Sukuna being so soft for his girl will receive a brutal body check that sends them facefirst onto the ice or into the boards.

It's a thought that makes you smile even more broadly. You are Sukuna's official girlfriend. His number-one fan. His lucky charm. His girl.

You get your cute date a week later. The perfect date.

Sukuna sends you a text message while you are in class on Monday morning, casually informing you about his plans.

Sukuna 🏒👑❤️: Make sure to be free this Friday at 8 pm, princess. I'm taking you on a date. And I promise it doesn't involve running this time ;)

You: Where are we going?

Sukuna 🏒👑❤️: It's a surprise. But wear your best dress.

When you ask Sukuna later on about the location, he just smirks smugly at you and ruffles your hair, making you squeal and pat this hand away while he says,

"Don't even bother, baby. My lips are sealed. You'll find out on Friday."

So, on Friday evening, you pace up and down the living area of your apartment impatiently, wearing your best dress after spending an hour on your makeup, which Nobara even helped you with.

Sukuna's taking you to a restaurant, you are pretty sure about that. But you are low-key worried that you will be overdressed with the pastel pink cocktail dress with the chiffon sleeves and the glittery flowers sewn on the waistline. It's a dress you bought a few years ago for a wedding party.

But then Sukuna knocks on your door, and you yank it open impatiently, only to gasp when you see him. You were definitely right to wear your most fancy dress. Because your boyfriend is also dressed to the nines. And he looks hellishly attractive!

Sukuna is wearing a black suit that sits snugly on his tall and muscular body, accentuating his athletic figure perfectly. Combined with a dark red dress shirt that brings out his maroon eyes, a black tie, and some really nice black shoes. In his hands is a huge bouquet of red, pastel pink, and white roses that he pushes into your arms as he leans down to kiss your cheek.

You automatically take the flowers but are too busy staring at Sukuna. He looks so handsome that you can't stop yourself from letting your gaze slowly travel over his body. When you finally reach his tattooed face, you are greeted by Sukuna's broad grin.

"Like what you see, princess?"

"Yeah, you look really good, baby."

He grins broadly at you, raising an eyebrow cockingly as he shrugs,

"I always do."

"Oh, Kuna!"

You roll your eyes, smacking his broad shoulders playfully, and groan dramatically, which turns into a happy chuckle when you feel Sukuna sneak his strong arms around your waist and pull you to him.

You wrap one hand around Sukuna's tie to lightly tug on it as you get on your tiptoes to kiss him. You can feel his lips lift in a smile when he kisses you back, slow and teasingly, licking into your mouth in a way that makes you a bit dizzy.

But Sukuna pulls away again after a moment, only his large hand stays on the small of your back, caressing you lightly. His low voice is a velvety murmur,

"You look absolutely beautiful, princess. Clearly stealing the spotlight from me, and that is not something I say lightly."

He winks at you, making you burst out laughing happily as you finally take time to look at the flowers in your hand, bringing them to your nose to inhale their scent.

"The flowers are so pretty. Thank you so much!"

And as smug as Sukuna usually acts, you see his face turn into an almost flustered expression. To your surprise, your bad boy makes a gesture that you only knew from his twin brother so far. He averts his gaze, lifts his large hand, and scratches his neck, staring at a space slightly left to your face while he informs you,

"I wasn't satisfied with the bouquets that woman at the flower shop showed me, so I had her make one exactly how I wanted it for you. Pink is you, and red is me... and the white is for my Tigers hoodie that I wore when you slammed into me at our first meeting."

You are sure your heart just melted into a puddle. A little squeaky noise escapes your lips as you lunge at Sukuna, wrapping your arms around him and hugging him tightly. And he chuckles and asks,

"What?"

"Oh, nothing... I just think you are the best."

And you know he can feel your smile against his chest just like you can feel his smile when he leans down to breathe a kiss on your forehead.

"Did you win the lottery?"

You look incredulously at Sukuna as you stand in front of the fanciest restaurant in the whole region. Sukuna just grins at you, lifting one eyebrow playfully,

"Only the best is good enough for my girl."

"But..."

"Shhh. This is a special occasion, so let me spend a little money. I swear it's okay. I know someone who works here. He used to play hockey with me, and he gives me a discount."

You are sure that even with a discount, the meal is still too expensive for a college student, but you don't say it and instead just smile at Sukuna and thank him as you bump into his side.

The guy at the reception desk waves over a waiter, who leads you to your table for two. You feel your pulse race as you walk on Sukuna's arm, feeling as if you got teleported into a romance novel where the main character gets introduced to the fancy life at some Mafia prince's side or something.

The thought makes you laugh softly under your breath, and Sukuna only adds to that little fantasy, acting like a true gentleman. He pulls out your chair, helps you sit down, and then holds your hand atop the table, occasionally bringing it to his lips and kissing your fingers, giving you crazy butterflies with everything he does.

The food is incredible, and Sukuna is a charming conversation partner, who is funny and smart, just like you know him from your lunch breaks in the dining hall. But tonight feels different. Special. Almost magical. Both of you are dressed in your fanciest clothes, sitting in this exclusive restaurant, surrounded by an elegant and luxurious atmosphere, while your table is filled with the fanciest meal you have ever seen.

Sukuna really went all out. He truly meant it when he promised to take you on the best date.

The four-course meal he booked is delicious, and the wine that goes with it tastes amazing, even though you doubt you have the exquisite taste buds for actually being able to tell which wine is good and which isn't. You eat the delicious food, drink your wine, and toast to your newly updated relationship status, joking around and flirting playfully the whole time.

By the time your dessert arrives, you feel completely happy and satisfied, exhilarated by the luxurious meal and Sukuna's company. The waiter places a huge plate with various desserts in front of each of you, making you go, "Ooooh!" which brings a super pleased grin to Sukuna's face.

You both dig into your desserts, but you realize that Sukuna doesn't touch one of the variations at all. The one which you like the most. A knowing smile plays around his lips when he scoops some of it onto his spoon and offers it to you wordlessly.

You smile at Sukuna, whispering a thank you when he brings the spoon to your lips, and feeds you your favorite dessert. It's cute, loving, and even sexy, given how sensual the act of it is. Your heart beats even faster, making you feel so light-headed and happy that you can't stop smiling.

Sukuna looks happy, too, and it makes your heart flutter. He must have really wanted to excel at this whole date thing and make this evening special. Because you are special to him.

You watch him eat, soon finding out which dessert is his fave, and safe it up for him, too, which leads to both of you playfully reaching across the table to feed each other the other's favorite dessert, laughing and joking around until both of your plates are empty.

Sukuna's large hand wraps lightly around your wrist, holding it as he lets you feed him the last spoon of the cherry chocolate pudding he liked the most. A small grin plays around his lips as he takes the spoon carefully into his mouth, and his maroon eyes look deeply into yours.

It makes you flustered somehow, feeling like a teenager on her first date, and you giggle nervously as you feel your face get hot. But you don't look away, too transfixed by how good Sukuna looks and by the warmth in his eyes when he looks at you.

"This is the best date I've ever had, Kuna."

His smirk is smug as hell when he replies with a,

"That was my goal."

At the same moment as you add,

"But you really didn't have to spend so much money on me! I would have also been happy with eating your home-cooked dinner."

Sukuna laughs softly, that low rumble that makes the hairs on your arms stand up and makes that delicious tingling feeling flow through your veins. His maroon eyes gaze deeply into yours, so serious despite his cocky attitude,

"This is our first real date, princess. I want it to be one you will never forget. Not my everyday cooking in my kitchen, not a stupid hockey party or a mediocre restaurant that you can just visit every day. I want it to be special."

You are sure Sukuna can see the little hearts in your eyes because that's how you feel. Overflowing with affection and love. No one ever put that much effort into being with you.

Just when you are about to get too emotional, Sukuna adds with a little smirk,

"And I definitely had to find something better than a morning run that almost made you puke."

You look into his eyes for a long moment, trying to control yourself, but you can't hold back and snort loudly, bursting out with laughter. Too loud for this solemn atmosphere. You press a hand over your mouth, but you can't stop, tears welling up in your eyes from how hard you are laughing. And Sukuna joins in, laughing the kind of laugh that he only allows you and his twin to see.

It earns the two of you some scandalized stares. The tables around you seem to be so calm and collected, so professional and restrained even at a private dinner, and your loud laughter is so completely opposite to that and carries through the whole room, making everyone look at you. But it makes you laugh even more, unable to stop, while you still look at Sukuna.

The guy at the table next to yours clears his throat loudly, catching Sukuna's attention, who cocks his head at the man while raising an eyebrow slowly,

"What? Are you allergic to fun?"

The man and his wife both inhale sharply, eyes widening, both opening their mouths but then closing them again without saying anything after taking a good look at Sukuna's tattooed face. And you hide your face in your hands as more loud laughter bubbles out of your mouth.

You feel exhilarated when you walk to Sukuna's car, a bubbly feeling in your chest and a smile on your face even as the chilly nightair hits your naked shoulders and makes you shiver. But Sukuna is perceptive as always, immediately taking off his suit jacket to drape it over your shoulders before he wraps his arm around you and pulls you against his side to keep you warm.

You are sure anyone who walks past you can see how smitten you are. It's a wonderful feeling, the kind that makes you smile nonstop. Even more so when you reach Sukuna's car, and he holds open the door for you and closes it carefully behind you before he jogs casually around the car and gets into the driver seat with a dazzling smile on his tattooed face.

The drive back to campus takes about an hour. You spend most of it in comfortable silence and the occasional laugh when you remember the way the other guests reacted to your laughing fit. Sukuna lights a cigarette, smiling as he takes a deep drag and slowly exhales the smoke. He quickly turns up the heat, making sure you stay warm despite the open car window.

And you sigh happily as you snuggle into Sukuna's jacket and lean back in the comfy leather seat, reaching out to put one hand on Sukuna's muscular thigh, where it stays the whole drive home.

Sukuna parks in front of your dorm and walks you to your door, still the perfect gentleman. But before you can remark on it, he kisses you. A sweet, deep French kiss, where both of his tattooed hands cup your cheeks, and he tilts your head back to kiss you even deeper.

You feel weak in the knees, grateful for Sukuna's tall, strong body to lean against, sighing softly into the kiss, wishing it will never end.

When Sukuna pulls away, you reach out immediately and grab his tie, smiling at him as you let your gaze trail over him again. He really looks fine as hell. You tug on his tie, pulling him closer again, and tilt your head to grin up at him,

"Hey, where do you think you're going? Stay the night, baby. I want this date to last the whole rest of the day."

And Sukuna's eyes twinkle playfully as he grabs your chin and slowly leans down,

"I'm going nowhere. As long as you'll have me, I will always stay the night, princess."

SIGHHHHHHH 💗💗 That date with him would make me melt, too. I hope you enjoyed it!! The thought of Sukuna dressing super nice in a suit and tie is always very delicious to me.

Thank you so much for reading and for all the love! I hope you liked the new chapter. Comments and reblogs would be very sweet 💗

In Chapter 14, we will see our dear dormmate Nobara maybe becoming a bit softer for our hockey boyfie lol + Reader taking care of a pissed-off Sukuna, who lost a game ;) He needs us so bad 😘

[cassandra-collin]

I have facial dysmorphia, and I’ve booked an appointment with a psychologist for it. I’m going to do what’s called EMDR therapy.

I don’t really like going to psychologists, but my facial dysmorphia was so severe that I started having suicid@l thoughts and would spend more than three hours a day just looking at myself in the mirror, doing nothing else with my days.

I know that one of my mom’s friends once told her I was beautiful, and the son of her friend also said I had no reason to feel insecure (in a positive way). I’ve been catcalled before, and I also heard a man say, "This girl is pretty," (in french) when he saw me, talking to his friends. Even when I went out yesterday, some men stared at me (I didn’t see them, it’s my mom who told me). But every time, I just tell myself, “They were probably talking about someone else,” “They were just looking at the road,” or “They were probably only looking at my body.” (I think men focus more on my body, like the man who asked me if I did dance.)

I think people don’t realize how hard this is, especially when you don’t receive much external validation outside of social media and a few men on the street. I feel like I’ve been heavily influenced by beauty standards, and I also think some of it might come from childhood trauma.

When I was little, an ex-best friend told me I was fat (there’s nothing wrong with being fat as long as there are no health issues related to it, but it was said as if it was something bad). In middle school, I constantly compared myself to other girls, telling myself they were always thinner and cuter than me. Now I wear an XXS, and I have no issues with my body—only with how I perceive my face.

I even realized that I was telling myself harmful things that were the exact same phrases some people said to me in the past, people who were really mean to me.

When a haircut doesn’t suit me (like the bangs I got recently, which I only posted once on my Tumblr before deleting it), or when my hair is just all over the place, I react much more negatively than someone who doesn’t have facial dysmorphia.

I also have a pretty androgynous face (and an androgynous voice as well), so that adds another layer to it.

And when I see a pretty girl who says she feels ugly (and you can tell she’s being sincere when she says it), and people comment under her video saying she’s just saying that to get compliments because, to them, a beautiful person can't be that insecure, it just annoys me.

Sometimes I find my face pretty and cute, but most of the time, I think it’s too big, too androgynous, too I don’t know… And the thing I notice the most is the expression lines on my face that have become a bit more pronounced (which you can't really see or don’t see at all in my photos because of the lighting, even if it's not done on purpose).

When I post pictures of myself online, I usually ask my mom if the photos look like me because I don’t really know what I look like and I don't want to come across as a "fake." It would make me feel guilty if they didn’t look like me. The only things I allow myself to modify on my face are my pimples and slightly my dark circles (it’s like using a little concealer).

After that, I edit my photos to make them more "aesthetic" (lighting). That’s it. If I don’t look like my photos, I delete them right away and don’t post them.

I also wear glasses, so I don’t really see my "real" face (except in videos and photos), but I plan to get contact lenses. I hope that when my bangs grow back, my facial dysmorphia will lessen as well (because I felt good or better with the haircut I had before, even though I still had facial dysmorphia).

I’m healing now, even though it’s tough, and I have a lot of trauma˖⁺‧₊˚ꨄ︎

(I’m writing all of this to share my experience with facial dysmorphia and to express how serious it can be. Writing about it also helps me calm down, even though I haven’t shared everything.)

Does anyone else look in the mirror long enough and examine your features to the point where you start to get physically nauseous? Just me? Ok

[digi-diareis]

Teen MC snapping at Caleb

Context: Yk how when you're teenagers, guys think the only way to flirt with the person they like is by teasing them? Well, imagine if Caleb had an era like this until it went too far and mc finally snapped at him.

Beware: this is gonna be SO BAD. im not a writer at all and english isn't my first language either. its just that i've had this scenario in my head for a few days now and i needed it out of my system. Also, I decided to use they/them pronouns for mc. So its more inclusive that way and also bcs even I personally don't always refer to my mc as she/her. So yeah, for the bitches, bros and non binary hoes.

Imagine this, Caleb and you bantering like usual on your way home but you're having an off day which makes it easier for you to get pissed off and fed up with all the teasing. Unfortunately, Caleb doesn't notice this and keeps teasing you until you just snap.

So mc, exasperated, scoffs at him and turns around to leave with their arms folded across their chest and eyebrows scrunched so hard they almost look like a unibrow.

"I'm done talking you. Go find someone else to pick on, Caleb. I'm not in the mood."

Sensing the sudden shift of mood, Caleb is speechless for a bit and left floundering, looking for the right words to say. He thought this was just your usual banter so why were you suddenly taking the jokes seriously? Hell, he can't let you stay in a bad mood for the entire day because that means he's getting the silent treatment and he'd rather die (well not really but he almost feels like it) than have you completely ignore his entire existence. Again.

He approaches you slowly, using a gentle voice to not alarm you the same way one would with a hissing kitten.

"Pipsqueak? Did I say something wrong? I'm sorry... Tell me what it was and I promise I won't say it again. Don't be mad anymore, we don't want you to develop any more wrinkles, do we?"

And oh, the way you stiffened up, very much reminiscent of a stray cat on full alarm against anybody trying to steal its food. Caleb gulps, knowing somewhere along the lines, he triggered a tripwire and a bomb's about to blow.

"Uhm! You know what, nevermind me! How about we go buy your favorite snack? Oh, what a coincidence your favorite stall is right around the corner-"

You turn around with a glare that makes him immediately shut up, looking like you're about to rip him a new one.

"WRINKLES?! First, you make fun of my height. Calling me pipsqueak around everyone and never shutting your damn mouth about how not a day has passed where I was taller than you. Then you start being weirdly aggressive towards my other guy friends, which by the way, what the fuck? Now most of them won't even talk to me anymore! What is your problem?! And now, you're calling me OLD and UGLY?!"

"I-I never said -"

"Shut your damn mouth and listen to me, Caleb! You have been getting on my nerves lately! I've been trying to convince myself that this is all just friendly banter but sometimes, you go too far that I don't even know if I can still laugh it off! We used to be best friends but now, its so easy for you to make fun of me. I don't know what I ever did to deserve this but oh my god, if you hate me this much then just stop hanging around me!"

Mc is heaving by the end of their entire speech, extremely worked up and upset that they're red in the face. They had been bottling this up for the past few weeks so letting it out almost felt cathartic.

Caleb is stuck in place, throat dry and mouth open but words won't come out. Was that how it's been like for you? Had he taken the jokes too far recently? Maybe it was wrong to listen to the other guys in his class who said that teens tend to fall for guys who act terrible, the bad boy stereotype is popular nowadays.

He looks down, feeling guilty and pathetic that he ended up making you feel like you hated him when you were the person who embodied everything he loved. You made him feel like flying and falling, all at the same time. So how could he hurt you like this? He had to make things right before it was too late.

"I'm sorry. Its all my fault. I shouldn't have said all those hurtful things to you, even if it was a joke or not. At the end of the day, they hurt you and that's not right. Please believe me when I say that I could never hate being around you. That couldn't be more wrong, not when all I ever want to do is be by your side. So please don't tell me to stop hanging around you, just thinking about it feels like my chest is being squeezed that it hurts. I promise I won't make the same mistakes again, so please forgive me?"

He's nervous, fiddling with his hands while he looks you in the eye. He reminds you of a wet puppy under the rain, begging you to bring him home with you. You knew the moment he pulled those puppy dog eyes that you would eventually lose, you could never say no to him. Not when you were kids and not now.

You sigh, shoulders slumping and the frown gone from your face. Now you just look tired, which only makes him more worried, maybe you're tired of him? No, that can't be. What would happen to him if you decide he's not worth keeping around anymore? He just might stop functioning all together.

You turn your back and start walking home, he feels his heart drop thinking this is it. You're leaving him behind– that is until you turn your head to the side, side eyeing him with a blush on your face.

"What're you standing there for, I thought you were going to buy me my favorite snack? Don't get the wrong idea, I'm not forgiving you just yet. Not until I've had my fill."

After that day, Caleb completely changes. Or maybe its more accurate to say he reverted back to how he used to be when you guys were kids. Doting, attentive and extremely supportive. He still banters with you from time to time but he never goes out of his way to start one. Although, there is one thing that doesn't change and that's how over protective he still is, he's still acting like a guard dog and being threatening towards all the guys in your class but at this point, you're just happy to have your best friend back again.

And just like that, Caleb's popularity spikes in your class because suddenly, every girl wants a guy who comes at their beck and call and attends to their needs. No more bad boy persona for them, they just want someone who worships the ground they walk on the same way Caleb does for you.

[shysuccubusstuff]

l&ds nsfw links! pt. 2

Content: Zayne + Xavier + Rafayel in various NSFW imagines!

Note: It's so hard to find actual good content for these kind of imagine... How is everyone doing? I miss holidays so much... I did four instead of five cause I keep trying to find more accounts. Let me know if you liked it! Also, if anyone has any kind of request, my requests are always open tbh!!

Zayne:

Starved Zayne arriving after several days on a trip, he looks so exhausted but even if he has eyebags the only thing he can think of is grabbing you and letting you know just how much he actually missed you.

Zayne knows he should reject the idea, but how could he reject you when you keep begging him to fuck your throat, with your sweet eyes looking at him in such a way... He accepts, even if he still feels slightly guilty about it, but deep down, he may be enjoying the bulge that appears in your throat each time he shoves it deep inside you...

You sent him as a joke a supposedly true research about how sucking on your nipples could avoid you getting breast cancer... Despite Zayne looked almost ammused at first, you soon noticed how he had started to suck on them much more than often... Was this a mere coincidence?

Enforcer! Zayne taking all his anger out on you... He tried so hard do maintain his frenzy, biting his lips and leaving them all bruised just to stop himself from doing anything to you... But as soon as you use that damn enhancer on him, it's a matter of seconds before he has you lifted in the hair, your eyes rolling back as you keep pleading him to at least slow down for a second.

Xavier:

Jealous Xavier making sure to leave a lasting mark in your body. He knows it's dumb to feel that way because of some dumb barista clinging a bit too much on you, but he can't just help clenching his fist and forcing a kind smile towards you.

Just some warm-up between the two of you. You keep asking him to help you improve your stamina, what's better for that than riding him for some time? Don't worry! He will help you a bit, just make sure to get down all the way, ok?

Contrary to what many people believe, Xavier is one of the fittest LI, even if he doesn't look as strong. Just let him show you just how much he can last holding you up in the air, legs dangling as he keeps hitting your cervix with his tip.

Aftermath of that one card in which Xavier keeps getting teased while he wears his working out outfit... It is oly fair that he is able to tease you, right? He keeps taunting you, telling you to quiet down as he keeps rubbing his hardened cock against the crook of your ass. As soon as he releases, just now that this is far from over.

Rafayel:

After leaving due to work for a couple weeks, you end up receiving this video late at night... Who would imagine such a re-known artist would dare to do this kind of thing? The video has a small comment written by him: "I miss my cutie so much... the wait is becoming unbearable".

Just Rafayel giving a taste to that sweet nectar that is dripping down your legs. What do you mean that is unclean? Just relax and let him show just how much he adores you.

After acting as a butler for you, it is only fair for him to see you in those short and cute maid outfits! Just... don't blame him when his eyes begin to drift, ears starting to heat up as he keeps trying to stop his mind from imagining the many ways he would just take you right then and there. All he needs is you pulling him towards you to lose himself, one of his hands playing with your tits as the other circles around your clit.

You keep teasing him during the whole art exhibition, with you constantly wrapped around his arm, your chest pressing against his arm even as some of those supposedly art experts ask about the inspiration behind his latest paintings. Oh, you just knew he wouldn't let it slide the moment his eyes glistened with a dangerous look. As soon as you arrive to his studio... Well, let's just say that he made sure to give just as much as you had given to him...

[revelboo]

REVEL!!! I need more clumsy hearts oh my god 🙏

Absolutely loosing my mind over soundwave rn, the way you write him is so fucking scrumptious. I’ve read more in the last two months than i have in a VERY long time. Absolutely foaming at the mouth for more lol

Sure! I like the Waves. Just a what if scenario. 18+ Mass displaced mechs 🌶️

Clumsy Hearts Scenario- heat

Soundwave x Reader, Shockwave x Reader

• You don’t even realize he’s behind you until he growls and you spin, startled to see Shockwave mass displaced. For being so awkward and deliberate in his movements, he can be uncannily quiet when he wants to. And he’s venting deeply, antenna perking up. Stiffening when he reaches for you and hesitates, you feel almost guilty. Still find him incredibly unsettling, but you’re beginning to understand him better now. And after what Soundwave had told you about who he’d been before and what had happened to him, you’re trying harder. Trying not to flinch every time he touches you. Arm still outstretched, servos just shy of you, he still towers over you mass displaced. Don’t know if it’s that one optic or the lack of a face, but he sets your instincts unconsciously screaming that he’s dangerous. A threat. Especially when he’s growling at you and it’s like a switch flicking, heat flushing through you at the noise, aware of him in a way you’ve never been before.

• Afraid. Always afraid of him and it sparks through him, kindles memories he doesn’t want. Can’t understand his obsession with you. Why you matter to him, but Shockwave thinks of you at the strangest times. Unable to stop himself like he can’t stop reaching for you even though he knows you’ll shy away. Watching you hesitantly reach out in return, little fingers ghosting against the tips of his servos. And he reaches for you with his other hand, that little disjointed feeling shuddering through him when he sees the cannon at the end of his arm not another hand. Confusion lifting through him, cutting him apart. Then you’re lacing your fingers with his servos, palm pressed against his. “Hey, stay with me,” you whisper and he latches into the sound of your voice to keep from drowning in memories he can’t claim as his own.

• Servos stilling where’d he’d been compiling intelligence reports from various scouts on the Autobot’s activities, Soundwave’s head lifts to watch you soothing Shockwave. Talking him down. Single optic dimming as he bends toward you, helm bumping your head hard enough you wince. Staring at your hand in his like he’s not sure what to make of it. “Is this an indication of willingness to interface?” Pushing up from his desk as your mouth falls open, Soundwave mass shifts and vaults up with both of you. Amused as you flounder, unsure how to respond to Shockwave and he catches the faint difference in your scent. “Remove your coverings and present yourself,” Shockwave growls.

• Why is he like this? Well, the lobotomy, obviously, but still. It’s not like he’s the romantic type, but the bluntness definitely doesn’t put you in the mood. His demands you strip and assume the position not even surprising at this point. And arms come around you from behind, hearing the faint click of Soundwave’s mask retracting before his mouth brushes your throat to drain away all your tension. Feeling his hands slide over you, delving under your clothes. Coaxing. What’s gotten into the both of them? Not that you’re complaining when Soundwave cups you and delves a servo inside you. Shockwave’s helm bumping you again and he’s dragging your hand to him, making you realize he’s freed his spike when he presses your palm against it. And you’re aware of them, that heated metal and musked spice scent of them both intensifying. Going straight through you as you stroke Shockwave’s spike, push back into Soundwave with an embarrassingly needy noise.

• Can scent you, all heat and need to sing through him. Making his spike ache. Hurt to be inside you. Reaching with his other hand, he grips Shockwave’s shoulder and the bigger mech slowly goes down on his knees with a low growl of protest, antenna going back. Sliding his servo free of your wet heat, Soundwave begins impatiently stripping you. “Take him first,” he says, wants to watch you riding Shockwave before he claims you. See you reduce the broken, former Senator to a whining mess. Hands sliding to your hips, he nudges you forward, encouraging you to grind against Shockwave and he frees his own spike to rock himself against your back.

• Servos of his one hand gripping you as you slide yourself against the length of his spike, pushing at him with those little hands to encourage him to lay back and let you have your way. Feeling you slicking his spike when you move against him, teasing him until his antenna are back and his servos dig into your thigh before you finally take him deep. Straddling him as Soundwave sits on his legs behind you, hands cupping and stroking you as he moves with you. And you throw your head back against Soundwave, bouncing on his spike as the communications officer rocks against you. The scent of your heat almost overpowering when you move more urgently, riding him. Your full bond with Soundwave triggering this, making you more responsive to them. And it’s only just starting.

• Moving frantically on Shockwave’s spike, you can feel Soundwave’s dampening your lower back as he grinds against you. Hear his low, rumbling growls and feel every ridge and bump stroking inside you. Needy in a way that’s almost alarming and you’re not the only one affected. All three of you beyond words, existing only in the moment, in chasing that high. Hear the scientist groaning, hips lifting the inch or so he can with Soundwave pinning his legs. Those little whining, growls as much as the feeling of him stretching you tipping you over that edge.

• Denta grazing your neck as you cry out and Shockwave struggles to buck up into you when you tighten on him, Soundwave has to fight to not mark your soft skin. To not bite down. Palm sliding around to splay his servos against your lower belly as Shockwave fills you with a whine, as soon as he’s finished, Soundwave shifts to grip your hips, lifting you off of Shockwave’s spike to make you both whimper. Laying you out beside Shockwave on your belly, he hooks an arm under your hips, encouraging them up as he shifts behind you. “What did you do to me?” You protest as he drapes himself against you, lips brushing your neck and jaw. That need to spark you roaring through him and knowing that it’s going to get harder to resist. Already is. Wants it more than he’s ever wanted anything.

• “Mated you,” Soundwave murmurs as he shifts and buries himself inside you with a hard drive of his hips. “Spark bonded you.” Part of Shockwave is aware that he’s intruding right now. That you’re fully bonded to Soundwave, not him. And that he should be grateful to have access to you at all. Had never expected when he’d stolen you, that it would play out this way. With you as their little mate, not a pet. “Claimed you,” Soundwave adds as you moan, pushing back to meet the frantic drive of his hips. Can’t tear his optic away as Soundwave rears up, hips pumping against you. Hearing your little cries and the wet sound of you taking Soundwave’s spike.

• Crying out as he ruthlessly drives you to that peak again, he shudders when you come apart with a cry, and his palm thumps down by your head, bracing himself as he keeps shallowly rocking his hips. And you whimper, feeling the mesh at the base of his spike swelling inside you, knotting you together as he groans and you hasn’t even known that he could do that. Stretched almost uncomfortably tight around his spike, you feel his mouth pressing soft kisses against any skin he can reach and then he’s filling you in hard bursts. Still trying to lazily move against you, before he’s shifting against your back, encouraging you to sprawl on your belly, carefully bracing his weight so he doesn’t crush you. “Little love,” he whispers, nipping at your ear lobe. “My little mate.”

• Shuddering as you tighten on him again, fisting his spike and he’s releasing again. Can’t stop. How long will your heat last? Has no idea, but wants to breed you, spark you. Grow his family with you. Mouth brushing your neck, he’s aware of Shockwave watching you both. Of the longing in that broken stare. For the first time in a long time, his focus is shifting to something besides war. Daring to hope and dream of an after even though he knows too well how dangerous that is. How fragile what he has is. Is almost too much to hope that he’s allowed this. That he can keep you. Be happy. Needs it so bad it hurts.

He’s not allowed to cook, but he can play in the dirt

[moonlight-alexia]

Starfish and Caitlin comforting Katie after the lose to Slovenia on Facetime.

not really posting/writing atm but i couldn't not do this one <3 so pls enjoy i really hope you do

any and all feedback, comments, reblogs etc are very appreciated and welcome <3

gentle connection ᡣ𐭩 •｡ꪆৎ ˚⋅

‘Mammy!’ You exclaimed when you saw your mammy’s face through the screen of your mummy’s phone. You were on camp with your mummy and you tried to talk to your mammy whenever you got the chance. But mostly you were out like a light from running around with Harper and the other Australia girls all day.

‘Starfish, inside voice remember,’ Your mummy reminded you, you hadn’t had a big day like the last few so you were excited that you were able to talk to your mammy. 

Caitlin had called Katie a bit earlier while Alanna and Kyra were distracting you so your mummy could comfort your mammy a little. They were both lucky, you understood emotions and what other people needed often but sometimes they still need those moments just the two of them. 

‘Hi mammy,’ You whispered, giving a little wave to Katie who was on the other side of the phone. 

‘Hi my little Starfish,’ Katie smiled softly, giving you a little wave back. Seeing you, even if it was through a screen, made Katie’s day a lot better. Your mammy, not that she would really admit it, had been missing you a bit more this camp. A lot for her to adjust to and if it wasn’t for Australia’s kit debut, you would’ve been there with her instead. Something that Caitlin now felt a little guilty about now after seeing how deflated Katie was.

You sat in your mummy’s lap, her arms wrapped around your waist while you happily talked your mammy’s ear off. It wasn’t often Katie was this quiet, but she was more than happy to listen to everything you’d been up to right now. The first time you’d been away from your mammy where you’d barely been able to talk to her, and listening to you talk, the familiarity helped your mammy. 

‘I’m having lots of fun mammy, but I miss you and counting down the days til ‘m home with you,’ Your voice trailed off, you were observant, your mums knew that but they often forgot just how observant and in tune with others you were, that it might become a problem for you later on. 

But now, you gave your mammy a small smile while she told you how much she misses you and can’t wait til you’re all home again, ‘Mummy,’ Your voice cut through the little silence that had floated between the three of you, you turned your head looking at Caitlin. Your mummy hummed a little in acknowledgment, ‘Can I talk to mammy, just me and mammy please,’

Caitlin smiled and placed you down in the middle of the bed, making sure you were all comfy against the pillows. There used to be times Caitlin would feel a tinge of insecurity if you’d want to just talk to your mammy. Perfectly normal, not feeling like she was integrating well into yours and Katie’s dynamic, but she was long over that and enjoyed seeing that bond you had with your mammy, ‘I’ll be right across with Kenzie if you need me,’ 

Your mummy placed a kiss against your forehead before leaving you and your mammy alone. You yawned a little, Katie almost jumping in to suggest you having a little sleep while she stayed on the phone with you, but your voice stopped her before she could say anything, ‘Mummy said you might be a bit sad, you’re more quiet,’ 

Katie gave you a small smile, they tried to be as open with their feelings with you in hopes that when you’d feel safe enough to talk to them about your feelings, ‘It’s been a hard day Starfish. A big loss but seeing you now makes it all better,’ 

Your little eyebrows furrowed while you were thinking, ‘Y’know mammy, mummy lost big too. Yous are the same!’ Katie smiled, a little laugh at the way your eyes lit up when you’d made the connection. Your mummy’s games hadn’t been going all that well either.

‘I guess we are, aren’t we,’ You were happy that you could get a little laugh from your mammy, your efforts to comfort her you believed to have succeeded. You tried to not think too much so you wouldn’t accidentally frown and worry your mammy, but you were starting to realise how hard it was when you were away from either of your mums when they were upset. Wishing they could be happy all the time and never sad.

‘Gonna give you a hug mammy,’ You held the phone against your chest. Katie smiled and, even though you couldn’t see, she held her phone against her chest. To anyone else it might seem strange but to Katie it was really comforting, even though the slight ache in her chest wishing that it was real.

‘I love you Starfish, you give the best hugs,’ Soon enough you’d be home and able to give your mammy a real hug.

[diceroll65]

I have an idea what if we got Billie x sensitive fem reader and like we accidentally broke a cup and Billie was near and she seen us have the biggest pout and teary eyes trying to clean up the glass and apologizing for braking the glass. just an idea maybe

shattered - b.e

gf!billie eilish x fem!reader

summary: after a tough week, billie invites you over for a night in. you attempt to get yourself some water, but drop the glass. billie notices how out of it you were, and comforts you.

warnings: fluff, glass breaking, comfort

it was early friday evening, and you had just gotten off the clock. you've been talking to billie about what's been going on at work throughout the week, and she tells you to come over after the last work day. you take out your key to her place, placing it in the lock and softly twisting. you push open the door as you kick off your shoes, placing them in their designated place on billie's shoe rack. billie comes to greet you with a kiss, while taking your bag off your shoulder and placing it on the counter. "hi, my love" she says, opening her arms. you instantly walk in between her arms, molding into her touch.

billie walks over to the island, now leaning over it while ordering in from the vegan restaurant down the street. you notice you haven't had any water yet that day, so you head to the cabinet to grab a glass. a cramp ensues in your hand and causes your grip to loosen from the glass, resulting in the glass tumbling out of your hand. as soon as it hits the floor, it splits and causes slivers of glass to disperse everywhere. “fuck” you whisper while grabbing a paper towel, getting down on your knees trying to pick up the blue shards. billie’s head whips around as she hears the crash, looking around the counter to see you hyperventilating hovering over the glass. “baby” she whispers, now kneeling right beside you. "i-i'm so sorry oh my god, i got a cramp. here, i'll buy you another one tomorro-" billie interrupts you by grabbing your shoulder. "y/n, slow down" she instructs, noticing your frantic state. "you don't owe me anything, it's okay. i have more, see?" she says, motioning up towards the glass cabinet. you look up, nodding softly, acknowledging the quantity of cups. "it's just one little cup, baby. are you hurt?" she questions, reaching for your arm and begins to scan it over. "i-i don't think so" you say, shaking your head. "here let's get up now, okay?" she says, now holding onto both your elbows, lifting you to your feet gently. with you both now on your feet, she begins to guide you to the couch.

you sit down with a stiff demeanor, crossing your arms over your chest. billie notices your body language, figuring you need a sense of release. "concentrate on my breathing" she places a hand on your back. you closely observe how her chest rises and falls, attempting to mirror. you sink into her touch as your head involuntarily falls onto her shoulder, looking up to her. "there we go, nice and easy" she says, rubbing your back as she sees you starting to relax. your eyes are now struggling to stay open, as her upper half is supporting your weight. the last sensation you feel before drifting off is her lifting up your shirt, feeling her warm fingertips dance along your bare back. as you regain consciousness, you see that you are both in the same position, with billie still rubbing your back. "oh shit" you say, as you shift slightly while lifting your head from her shoulder. "well hello there!" she says, kissing the tip of your nose softly. "i didn't mean to fall asleep" you say, disorientation in your tone. billie's eyes soften at the thought of you feeling guilty. "you needed it, baby. your mind has been working so hard" she reassures, placing her hand softly on your thigh. you instantly feel a warm sensation in your chest at the thought of how gentle she is with you.

your thoughts are then interrupted by the doorbell ringing, indicating your dinner had arrived. "just in time!" billie says, as she quickly shuffles to the door. you giggle at her excitement, and cozy into the couch with a soft smile drawn across your face. how lucky you were to be cared for like this.

@bitchybananaflower

to be added to taglist, comment ⭐︎

[thebluediner]

BROKEN HEARTS AND BROKEN MINDS

you know you shouldn't. the relationship was over months ago you should be over it by now but you're not and that was the reality of it. you told yourself you were never in love with her anyway it was just attachment but the more you think about her the more your heart aches.

the more your mind tortures you with memories of you together the more you realise how heartbroken you are. you try to push it way and focus on someone else but it all makes you feel desperate. which in truth is what you are .

you were still bitter about the relationship ending because how could someone break up with you because they think you deserve so much better ? why would they make a decision for you and let you go when all you ever wanted was them? why would they talk about your elaborate future together if they were going to leave you ? why couldn't they become the person you deserve?

why would billie do that to you. you didn't understand.

and when she reached out a few days ago about how she wanted to atleast talk to you it ruined your day. your heart started beating hard against your chest ,your eyes feeling the hot tears roll down you cheek and your skin breaking out in a sweat.

why is that the first thing she says to you after months of not talking or seeing each other. why hadn't she reached out to you sooner ? why didn't she beg for you to come back ? you had blocked her but why couldn't she try through email or something?

fuck. you've been told how gut wrenching first queer breakups can be but you didn't think that would be you. but now it was you.

you missed her . you were desperate to feel her eyes on you again. you were desperate for her to touch you and embrace you again. you were so desperate to be in her presence again.

your mind and heart kept fighting over what to do. your heart wanted to run to billie as fast as it can but your mind shamed you for wanting somebody who dumped you. your mind constantly reminded you how you're unwanted by her so why would you go crawling back ?

your mind was clouded you didn't know what to do. what you did know though it how much you wanted her regardless of anything else and that angered you.

so when you grabbed your phone dialing the familiar number and waiting as it rang you weren't suprised. you needed something to calm you down or atleast take your anger out on and if it made you seem desperate then so be it.

"y/n?" her voice calls out over the phone echoing in your dark apartment . you sniffled, your eyelids pressed harder letting your hot tears flow down your cheeks just by hearing her voice after so long.

"y/n speak to me please " billies voice tremors with anxiety over the silence on your end.

"fuck you " the words spat out of you mouth followed with cries that you couldn't even hold back so she heard them.

she heard the pain in your voice and the hopelessness in your cries. knowing she was the cause your cries broke her inside.

she was immature and she knew that. she was fucked up and she knew that. she would apologise to you for years for those things but both of you knew she wouldn't change, atleast not for you. it's not that she couldn't she didn't want too.

all her coping mechanisms that landed her in the hospital or left her high out of her mind or disappearing for weeks she would never leave not even for you.

so when her heart felt heavy and her guilty conscience was eating her up all she could mutter were useless apologies.

she triggered all the emotions you've burried and convinced yourself weren't there and she knew it. she knew you. billie knew what your heart was aching for but at the same time she had the capability to think further and assume your brain stopped you from all those desires.

"fuck baby i'm sorry i really am" she says through a strained voice caused by the huge knot chocking her. her nails dug deeper into her skin to restrain herself from coming over to you. tears dropped hot from her eyes and landed on the floor cold.

she never wanted this but too bad she was the cause of it all.

a/n :@miss-oconnell wasn't what you expected huh? i'm saving your ask for a sexy onee tho dw (⁠ ⁠ꈍ⁠ᴗ⁠ꈍ⁠)

[carawenfiction]

I hope this isn't a bother. I know you aren't accepting asks anymore, so please ignore if you don't want to read 🙂

I love your story. It was my second IF ever, and it helped set the tone because it's amazing. I am so glad you wrote it. I truly love your characters. I know you aren't writing it anymore, but if you ever want to post any details from the rewrite or just random snippets, they would be devoured. I love all of the romances, but Quaiel was especially intriguing. I would love to write stories about them, but I don't want to be too far off your original thinking.

Again, please don't feel like you have to respond or care about any of this. I just appreciate your book and all your characters. I hope you have a lovely holiday season. Thank you for all your hard work.

Hello again everyone <3 thank you for this ask and all the other asks expressing concern about my well-being and asking me about potential other writing projects. And thank you to those who have sent me enthusiastic asks about the world and characters of TSS. I know it's been a long time since I was active here so the fact that I'm still getting messages and asks at all is pretty shocking to me, but makes me very happy.

I wanted to make an update here and let those who still follow me know that I'm actually in the process of writing a new IF. It has a published demo, though I won't reveal the title just yet since I want to get some more of it done before sharing it with everyone here. I feel incredibly guilty about the state I left TSS in even though I knew it was the right decision for me, and I want to make sure that I've got more to show for this new project to regain some trust that might have been lost with the long time waiting and then the cancellation.

As for TSS: while it won't be continued, the story and characters have stayed with me through the years. The reason I haven't released any snippets or my planning for how things would go is because I've been considering, if I've got enough time, to maybe rewrite the story at my own pace (it would be a very thorough rewrite and many things both storywise and characterwise would likely change), make it a complete story instead of a trilogy and release it for free. I'm still not making any promises, though - this is a very huge maybe. But it's something I would really like to do when and if there's a good opportunity to do so.

Absolutely feel free to write stories about Q and any of the other characters! I'd love to read them if you do. Part of what I love when it comes to writing is how the creativity of one person can ignite creative sparks in other people. It's honestly magical.

Take care of yourselves and thank you for sticking around <3

[wovendreamscapes]

Duh duh duh duh! A story!

The fire crackled in the sitting room of the River House, casting flickering shadows along the walls. Nesta sipped her wine slowly, eyes flicking between Eris and Azriel as she leaned back in her chair. Cassian sat beside her, poorly disguising his amusement behind his own goblet.

“You know,” Nesta said casually, too casually, swirling the liquid in her glass, “there’s a rumor going around.”

Eris, lounging with all the smug ease of a fox in a henhouse, barely looked up. “What, that Azriel and I are gay for each other? I heard that, quite hilarious if you ask me.”

Azriel, who had been nursing his whiskey in silence, stilled. Slowly, he turned his head toward Eris. “There’s a rumor?”

Nesta fought a grin. Cassian did not fight his.

“Oh, it’s all anyone can talk about,” she said, watching Eris stretch out his long legs like this entire situation was a delightful joke.

Eris waved a hand dismissively. “Well, I’m straight. But if there was a man I would marry, it would be Azriel.”

Azriel blinked at him. Cassian made a strangled noise that sounded suspiciously like a snort.

“How do you feel about that, Shadowsinger?” Nesta asked, turning toward Azriel with a wicked gleam in her eye.

Azriel took a slow, measured sip of his drink. Set it down with a quiet clink. Exhaled. Then, in a voice that was far too resigned, he muttered, “Eris saying that is not helping with the rumors.”

Nesta barely suppressed her laugh. “Well,” she mused, “I don’t think the kiss you two shared on my birthday is helping either.”

Azriel choked. Cassian actually howled.

“That was—” Azriel began, his face finally betraying something akin to alarm.

“A diplomatic gesture,” Eris supplied smoothly, not looking remotely guilty. If anything, he looked pleased.

“A diplomatic—” Cassian gasped for air, thumping his chest as if he might die from laughing too hard. “Oh, Mother above, I am framing this conversation.”

Rhys strolled into the room at that moment, pausing just long enough to take in the scene: Azriel looking seconds away from throwing himself into the fire, Nesta grinning like a cat, Cassian in hysterics, and Eris looking as if this entire evening was the highlight of his year.

“I don’t know what’s funnier,” Rhys said, pouring himself a drink, “the rumor itself or the fact that Eris is fully leaning into it.”

Eris lifted his goblet in salute. “At this point, why fight it?” He turned to Azriel, his smirk widening. “Shall we make it official, then? A spring wedding, perhaps?”

Azriel closed his eyes as if praying for patience. “I hate all of you.”

Nesta, grinning, lifted her glass. “To Eris and Azriel—the power couple we never saw coming.”

Cassian, Mor, and Amren clinked their drinks together as Azriel groaned and Eris smirked like the world’s most satisfied bastard.

Nesta: You know there’s a rumor going around?

Eris: What, that Azriel and I are gay for each other?

Eris: No, see, I’m straight but like, if there was a man that I would marry, it would be Azriel

Nesta: How do you feel about that, Azriel?

Azriel:

Azriel: It’s not helping with the rumors

Nesta: I think the kiss you guys shared on my birthday isn’t helping with the rumors

[silverskye13]

“How much longer are we planning on going?” Welsknight asked. He took a moment to sheathe his sword and wring out his wrists. Tanguish grimaced, a little regretful he was making the knight work so hard. (He didn't have to like Wels to feel guilty about running him ragged.) “I was under the impression we didn't want to be down here all day.”

“How many diamonds were you needing?” Tango prompted, looking over Tanguish's shoulder at the contents of his shulker box.

“Uhm… I'm. I'm not sure,” Tanguish admitted. “I just know it's a lot.”

“What's it for?”

“Jewelry.”

“Ohhh…” Tango’s voice lilted high and mischievous. “You got a lady friend in hels you're not telling me about?”

Tanguish shrugged Tango off of him, “No.”

“Or a guy friend, I'm not judging,” Tango added hastily, hands up placatingly, his grin still dripping mischief. “Maybe even a knight friend?”

Welsknight made an uncomfortable noise. “Tango.”

“What? Maybe your other half’s got game, you don't know.”

“Tango!”

[cheynovak]

Fevered Confessions part 7 - Final

Characters: Soldier boy x Y/N Female character     

Summary: Y/N got hurt during a mission with Soldier boy, Ben feels guilty and tries to take care of her. But the fever makes her believe she is imagining it.

Warnings: Mentioning of fever/wounds/ fighting/... -> 18+ ish. Nothing too explicit.

English isn't my first language.

*Please do not copy my work, reblog/comments/likes are appreciated*

**Y/N’s POV**

Years passed, but Ben never left my mind.

My memories had came back in pieces—slow, fragmented, like a puzzle I wasn’t sure I wanted to finish. Some things made sense. Others felt like they belonged to someone else, a different version of me.

I went back to the man who had once helped me control my powers the second I knew his name again. He was older now, grayer, but still sharp. He said I’d made more progress than I ever had as a teenager. That should have made me feel accomplished.

It didn’t.

Because the nightmares were worse now.

I had only lost control of my power once when I was young. But now? It happened almost every night. Every time he asked me what I saw, I told him I didn’t remember. That it was just noise, static. But I was lying.

I did remember.

I was reliving that moment. The mission. The gunfire. The explosion. The heat of the blast, the radiation burning my skin, knocking the air from my lungs. And then—nothing. Flashes of an old, dirty motel. Pain. Fever. and him... Ben.

He was there.

He had always been there. And that was the worst part of all. My mentor said I needed to confront my fears, not hide behind them.

But how could I? I couldn’t confront Ben.

So instead, I hid. I found an old abandoned apartment complex, the kind no one cared about, the kind where it wouldn’t matter if my powers slipped at night. If I woke up screaming and the walls were covered in frost, there’d be no one around to see it. No one to get hurt.

During the day, I worked in a freezer, cutting meat at some factory on the edge of town. The cold didn’t bother me. It never had.

I wasn’t happy, but I was safe. The world was safe from me. And I had a paycheck. A way to exist without looking over my shoulder, without the danger of catching bullets. That was, until my boss called me into his office.

His expression was careful, apologetic. The kind that told me whatever came next, I wasn’t going to like it.

“I’m sorry, kid” he said. “We have to let you go.”

I couldn’t hold back the anger that surged when I got home. I paced around my apartment, frustration burning through me. It wasn’t enough that I’d been stuck in this place, a prisoner of my own past, but now I had no job to keep me going either.

That night, the dream came again. The familiar, haunting one. But this time, for the first time, something changed.

I saw it clearly. The bullet hitting me, the pain shooting through my chest. But then, as my vision blurred, I saw his face—Ben’s face—frozen in horror.

I heard his voice, filled with guilt and panic. I saw him rushing to me, trying to stop the bleeding, but there was nothing he could do. The look in his eyes… it wasn’t anger. It wasn’t hatred. It was horror.

And right before my eyes closed I saw our enemies come closer, Ben stood up to then and then a flash of white heat... and pain.

I shot up in bed, gasping for air. The cold sweat dripped down my back, and I looked around in a panic. My hands trembled, but to my surprise, there was no ice on the walls. No frost spreading over the floor. The room was warm.

I realized then, Ben didn’t attack me. He lost control. He saw me hurt, and it did something to him. That explosion, the chaos, the rage—it wasn’t about me. It was his desperation.

He wasn’t the monster I thought he was. He was just as scared as I was. The realization hit me hard, deeper than I expected. I misjudged him.

I wiped my tired face, staring at my reflection in the cracked mirror. The black circles under my eyes did little to hide the fact I hadn't slept good in ages. The walls around me were silent, but inside my head, everything had changed. I had to face the truth. The real truth. And it terrified me.

I still cared for him.

**Ben’s POV**

Ever since Y/N left, life had been a goddamn blur. Days bled into nights, and I drowned them all in booze; drugs and whatever else I could get my hands on to ease the pain, failure. I didn’t care.

TV blaring, empty bottles on the floor, cigarettes burning out in the ashtray—nothing mattered.

But then I heard her voice. At first, I thought I was hallucinating, just another trick my fucked-up mind was playing on me. But when I turned my head, there she was.

Butcher stood near the door, watching her, but I barely saw him. My eyes locked onto her, and Jesus Christ, she looked good. Strong. Confident. Or at least she tried, I could see how tired she ws but still. No longer the broken girl I let walk away.

She smiled, soft and hesitant. “Hi, Is Ben here?”

That voice, the way she looked at me when Butcher took a step aside—it did something to me. Something I wasn’t ready for. Then her brows knitted, probably noticing the state I was in. The mess I’d let myself become.

I didn’t think. Didn’t hesitate. I stepped toward her, faster than I should have, closing the distance between us. And before I could stop myself, I had her pinned against the wall, my hands caging her in.

She let out a sharp breath, her eyes widening just a fraction, but she didn’t push me away. I leaned in, my voice low and rough. “You shouldn’t have come back.”

I couldn’t let her do this. Couldn’t let her get in my head again, make me hope for something I didn’t deserve.

“Leave,” I said, shaking my head. My voice was rough, barely controlled. I wasn’t the man she used to know. Hell, I wasn’t even sure I was a man anymore, just a broken thing pretending to function.

But she stood her ground, her chin lifting. Stubborn as ever.

“No.”

Her hand pressed against my chest, pushing me back just enough to make me feel it. “I need to know the truth, Ben.” Her voice wavered, but her eyes burned with determination. “Did you attack me that day?”

I stiffened. My throat felt like it was closing. I didn’t answer.

“Did you?” she demanded, her voice thick with emotion.

“For fuck’s sake, Ben, did you?”

“No!” I roared, the word ripping out of me.

Silence stretched between us, heavy and suffocating. She searched my face for something—proof, maybe.

“Then why didn’t you say that?” Her voice was quieter now, edged with something I didn’t want to name. I scoffed, running a hand through my hair. “Would it have made a difference? Would you have stayed?”

She hesitated, just for a second. Then, almost too soft to hear, she whispered, “Maybe not.” She turned for the door, and something inside me snapped.

“If you leave again, don’t bother coming back!” The words came out sharp, venomous. I hated how desperate they sounded, how much weight they carried.

She froze, her back stiffening. For a second, I thought she’d just walk out without another word, but then she exhaled, slow and measured.

“Fine,” she said, just as irritated. Then, with a glance over her shoulder, she added, “Then get some sleep, and we’ll talk when you’re sober.”

"I'm sober enough."

"No you're not."

I clenched my jaw, staring at her. She wasn’t playing my game this time. No yelling, no storming off—just standing her ground, like she always did.

I hated that she still knew me so well.

**Y/N’s POV**

I looked over at Ben, passed out on the couch, his chest rising and falling in a slow, steady rhythm. He looked different—tired, worn down, like he was carrying the weight of something too heavy to bear.

"How did he even get this drunk? Nothing would ever effect him like this." I murmured.

Butcher sat on the other end of the table, sighed, rubbing a hand over his face. "Gallons of the strongest stuff we can get. 100% alcohol, straight. Ain't even mixed anymore. Some fucked up drugs no one would ever survive. He takes it like it's candy"

My stomach twisted. "Why?"

Butcher shot me a look like I was daft. "What do ya think? It's his way to numb the pain. He don’t talk about it, but it’s clear enough—he’s been drinkin' himself to death ever since you left."

I swallowed hard, guilt creeping in. I should have believed him. Or at least, I should have pushed harder for the truth instead of running. Maybe then, he wouldn’t be like this.

It took hours of listening to his breathing. Butcher got tired and said if I needed anything I'd give him a ring and left us alone. I walked to the kitchen to pour myself a drink.

Just as the door closed after Butcher, I heard Ben.

"Finally," he said, his voice rough. He ran a hand through his messy hair, watching me with those dark, tired eyes. I set my glass down, gripping the counter. "Finally, what?"

"You've been sittin’ there for hours with Butcher, I was waiting for that ashole to leave. Figured you’d leave too." He took a slow step toward me.

I shook my head. "Not this time, I said I'd wait." Ben let out a dry chuckle, but there was no humor in it. "Yeah? We’ll see."

He leaned against the doorframe, arms crossed over his chest, looking at me like he was trying to figure out if I was real or just another dream he'd wake up from. I could see the exhaustion, the anger, the hurt—all of it simmering beneath the surface.

Yet, I couldn't wait anymore, I took a deep breath. "I want the truth, Ben. All of it." His jaw tightened. "And if you don’t like what you hear?"

I met his gaze, steady this time. "Then at least I’ll know. But maybe I should start by apologizing."

Ben shook his head, stepping closer. “Don’t. Don’t apologize to me.” His voice was low, rough with emotion. “You didn’t do anything wrong. I did. I let you believe something that wasn’t true because I was too much of a coward to face what I did.”

I swallowed hard, my throat tight. “I should have stayed,” I admitted. “I should have pushed for the truth instead of running.”

He let out a breath, his hands flexing at his sides like he wanted to reach for me but didn’t trust himself.

Ben let out a rough breath, raking a hand through his hair as he paced the small kitchen. He looked wrecked—tired, strung out, but there was something else there too. Something deeper, something breaking.

"You wanna know the truth?" he said suddenly, his voice raw. "Fine. Here it is—I don't deserve you. I never did. And I sure as hell don’t now. But that doesn’t change the fact that from the second you walked through that damn door all those years ago, I was done for."

I blinked, my breath catching in my throat as he pointed at the front door.

Ben kept going, his hands clenching into fists like he was trying to hold himself together. "You didn’t even look at me like I was a monster. Like everyone else always did. You looked at me like I was… just Ben. And it scared the shit out of me. Because I knew—I knew—that I was gonna love you. And I did... I do.” His voice cracked, but he didn’t stop.

"I screwed up. Over and over. I lied, I pushed you away, I let you believe the worst because it was easier than admitting I was afraid of losing you. But I lost you anyway. And I’ve been paying for it ever since."

He let out a humorless laugh, shaking his head. “You wanna hear something pathetic? Every time I closed my eyes, it was you. Every time I got so damn drunk I couldn't see straight, I still saw you. Every time I was high, I heard you. Like it was some fucked up lesson."

Tears welled in my eyes, my heart hammering in my chest.

Ben exhaled sharply, finally meeting my gaze, his expression desperate, vulnerable in a way I’d never seen before. “I know I don’t deserve you. I know I don’t have the right to ask for anything from you. But I love you, Y/N. And I don’t know how to stop.”

The room was silent except for the rain pattering against the windows, for the sound of my own unsteady breathing.

I swallowed hard, stepping closer, my voice barely above a whisper. "Then don’t."

I must’ve misheard her. I had to have misheard her.

But then she said it again, her voice softer this time, like she was scared I might run. “Don’t stop loving me. Because I sure will never stop loving you.”

A tear slipped down her cheek, and I just stood there, frozen.

I couldn't hold back anymore. The second my body caught up with what my heart already knew, I stormed toward her, knocking over the chair I’d been leaning on.

Before she could say another word, I grabbed her, pressing her against the counter, my lips crashing into hers. It was needy, desperate, a kiss that spoke of years of longing and regret.

She gasped against my mouth, and I took the chance to deepen it, my hands cradling her face like she was the only thing keeping me tethered to this world.

Without hesitation, I lifted her, her legs wrapping around my hips, she belonged there, she always had. Her fingers tangled in my hair, nails scraping along my scalp, down my back, pulling me closer.

Her breath was deep and quick, her body moving against mine with the same urgency, the same hunger. It wasn’t just passion; it was relief. Like neither of us could stand another second apart.

I pulled back just enough to look at her, to memorize the way she looked in this moment—lips swollen, eyes dark with want, chest rising and falling as she fought for breath.

“Say it again,” I rasped, my forehead against hers. Her hands slid over my jaw, her thumbs brushing over my cheekbones as she whispered, “I love you, Ben.”

I groaned, "You have no idea how long I wanted to hear you say that." Pressing another kiss to her lips, then her jaw, then down her throat, savoring every sound she made. If this was a dream, I’d burn the world down before I let it slip away.

I carried her to the bedroom, my grip firm but reverent, like she was something sacred. Laying her down on the bed, I took a second just to look at her—more beautiful than I ever remembered, glowing with want, with something deeper than lust. Something I didn’t deserve but would spend the rest of my life worshipping.

Patience was never my strong suit, and I sure as hell didn’t have any now. My fingers curled into her shirt, and instead of taking my time, I just ripped it clean off her.

She let out a surprised laugh, eyes bright with mischief before she grabbed my shoulders and yanked me down against her. “Impatient, are we?” she teased, breathless.

I smirked, my lips tracing down her jaw, her throat, the curve of her collarbone. “You have no idea.”

Her nails scraped down my back, her hips shifting beneath me, seeking, needing. I lined myself up, my hands braced on either side of her, my body practically shaking with restraint.

I looked into her eyes, needing to be sure. “Are you sure?” My voice was rough, unsteady. “Because once we cross this path again, there’s no going back. You’re mine.”

She reached up, brushing my hair back, her fingers lingering on my face like she was memorizing me. Then she kissed me—slow and deep, leaving no space for doubt.

“I’m already yours,” she whispered.

Her heel pressed against my hip, pulling me closer, and that was all I needed. I gave in, completely, finally, and there wasn’t a force on this earth that could tear me away from her now.

I guess my hard and needy thrust spiralled us quicker than we wanted towards the orgasm. Her moans I heard so often in my dreams where real. her scent, her touch all of it was to real.

But then she begged me to stop, I was confused. but I saw the fear in her eyes. "It's ok," I said, "you won't hurt me."

"Ben... I..."

"I don't care if you freeze me, this room or the God damn world. all I care it for you, to enjoy and have a fucking orgasm that I fucking gave you." She started to laugh, I held her close my lips on her neck and her laugh changed to moans again the second I moved my hips again.

A high pitch "Ben" left her lips before she came.

She came... and it was the best feeling i've ever felt.

**Y/N's POV** The next day I woke up.

Feeling a pleasant warmth under my cheeks. I looked up and noticed how Ben lay beneath me, holding me in his arms. His warmth was a nice feeling against my freezing skin, I looked closely to see if he was ok, but I hadn't froze him and the room was clear.

I leaned in to make sure he was breathing.

"Staring is rude sweetheart", he said, eyes still closed.

I felt my cheeks heat up as his raspy morning voice reached my ears. Caught in the act. His arms tightened around me, keeping me pressed against his chest, his warmth steady and grounding.

“I wasn’t staring,” I muttered, but even I didn’t believe that lie.

Ben finally cracked one eye open, smirking. “Liar.”

I huffed, trying to push myself up, but he didn’t let me go. Instead, he rolled us over effortlessly, pinning me beneath him, his face hovering just inches from mine. His hair was messy, his lips slightly swollen from last night, and damn, if he didn’t look ridiculously good like this—half-asleep, content, mine.

“Room’s still intact,” he murmured, one hand brushing down my arm, stopping where his fingers met my bare skin. “No ice, no frost—just you and me.”

I swallowed, glancing around, realizing he was right. No frozen sheets, no crackling frost creeping up the walls. Just warmth.

Ben must’ve noticed the realization on my face, because his smirk softened. “Told you, sweetheart,” he whispered, pressing a slow, lingering kiss to my lips. “You’ve got this.”

I let out a shaky breath, wrapping my arms around his neck and pulling him back down into me. “Only with you,” I admitted.

His lips curled into a grin against my skin. “Then I guess I’m never letting you go.”

--

Taglist: @jackles010378 @libby99hb @winchesterwild78 @suckitands33 @mostlymarvelgirl @deans-baby-momma @ancles @tulipsvanilla @thesilmarillionblog @jays-bonnie-on-the-side @kr804573 @kamisobsessed @hobby27 @globetrotter28 @kindollss @muhahaha303 @shadysoulangel @lyarr24 @spxideyver @impala67rollingthroughtown @panickedbitch @deansimpalababy @livya99 @yvonneeeee @ladykitana90 @stoneyggirl2 @imsiriuslyreal @panickedbitch @roseblue373 @n-o-p-e-never @ariasong11 @lmpala1967 @sherlockstrangewolf @spnaquakindgdom @writtenbyhollywood @mishkatelwarriorgoddess @healojane @star-yawnznn

[bubblez-bubble]

The Alvarez Arc was never about Zeref vs Natsu.

It was about Zeref vs Lucy.

Hear me out.

And this may be a bit of a stretch but try to bare with me.

So the Alvarez Arc (AA) is essentially the arc of one brothers army vs another's. At least on the surface. But the main focus of the AA was Natsu's transformation and Zerefs reveal.

After Zeref reveals his and Natsus true identities to Natsu and Happy, Zeref then makes it a point from then on to try and get Natsu to change into his demon form, knowing that Natsu would probably have a hard time controlling it and would destroy everything and everyone in his path just to kill him.

Thankfully, Zeref was only half right. As evident by his four warnings to Gray to get out of his way, Natsu still had some form of control over his actions. This was because his only thoughts were getting rid of Zeref who started the war leading to Lucy's "death." He was driven by revenge, which was what Zeref wanted, as to why he painted himself as the bad guy.

But one thing Zeref hadn't really counted on was Natsus bond with one of his guildmates in particular. Zeref knew who Lucy was from the jump as she and Anna look basically identical. That and Anna and Zeref agreed it would be up to Anna's bloodline to look after the original eclipse project as well as the dragon slayers once they passed through to the other side. So right away, Zeref knows Lucy's goal is protecting Natsu and staying by his side.

So during the AA, it only makes sense that at every turn when Zeref thought he was winning, Natsu would make some miraculous return and start the fight over. But did Zeref know why or how?

Of course he did. Because that was the Heartfilia family's job. To protect and look after the dragon slayers, Natsu included.

So, when Zeref almost got his way the first time and Natsu "lost control," who brought him back to reality (with a little help from Erza)?

Lucy.

When Natsu was knocking on deaths door on the ground with a hole in his gut, who literally took on a curse that Zeref placed on the book, essentially risking their life to rewrite Natsus book, bringing him back from the brink of death to fi is the fight?

Lucy.

Even during Dragon Cry, Lucy is still a thorn in Zerefs side by showing Natsu throughout the movie that she'd always accept him no matter what form he took on, giving Natsu a sense of security, making Zerefs plan to break Natsu down until he's a mindless monster essentially impossible.

Every time during the AA and Dragon Cry movie when it seemed Zeref was finally going to get what he wanted, Lucy came in and snuffed all of his plans out like a candle.

And Zeref by the end could only watch as a human tamed one of his demons. His most powerful demon at that.

Lucy was even almost kind of acknowledged as Natsus reason to live. (As he did try to kill Zeref fully conscious of what he was doing and knowing it would kill him too when he thought she was dead.)

Zeref even tried to play mind games with Natsu but got blocked because the only thing on Natsus mind was Lucy and her life.

The entire AA is literally just Zeref telling Natsu one thing to make him feel terrible and Lucy reassuring him that it wasn't true.

Zeref even tried to make Natsu feel guilty about Lucy rewriting his book, essentially signing her own death warrent, only for Natsu to brush it off because he had more faith in her than some curse Zeref put on a book.

Every time Zeref tried to get into Natsus head, whether Lucy was there or not, her voice always seemed to ring through louder than Zerefs.

The entire arc is a battle for Natsus mentality and its not even being fought by Natsu.

Natsus fighting the physical battle, but Lucy was fighting for Natsus humanity. She was fighting for Natsus life.

In the end she won, and Zeref took the loss with a smile on his face, knowing that somehow a human girl had defeated him in a mental battle over his brother's life.

And he even took pride in it.

Pride in the fact Natsu had found someone who would go to such great lengths, even so far as challenging Zerefs curse power in order to save Natsus life.

That's what the whole arc was, a battle for Natsus fate. A battle that Lucy won and Zeref was happy about it.

Even Mavis knew only Lucy could challenge Zerefs power and change Natsus fate, leaving Lucy with the book as she went to help Natsu confront Zeref.

The one who decided Natsus fate vs the one who changed it.

[rafesbabygirlx]

Hi angels (this is gonna be long)

I ramble because when I feel big feels I don't think straight, but please read 🤍

I'm posting this now because I just need to get it out. This has been weighing heavily on me. But I doubt anyone will read it hahah

This is really hard for me to say, but after a lot of thought, I’ve decided to wrap up some things I have left, complete some more requests and step back from writing anything new—at least for now.

I’ve been contemplating this for a while, trying to push past the feeling, but I’ve reached a point where I can’t ignore it anymore. Writing has been such a joy for me, and I’ve loved being part of this little community. You all welcomed me with open arms, and I can’t express how much that means to me.

Honestly, I don’t think I’m in the right mental space for it right now. As much as I love creating, I’ve found myself constantly doubting my work, comparing my writing to others and thinking that I can do so much better, and overthinking every detail. It’s a cycle I’ve fallen into on my own, and it’s taken a toll. On top of that, I feel like my blog has lost some of its spark, and my writing isn’t going anywhere and not growing. I’ve also gotten some nasty anons the past few weeks that I ignore but they still haven’t helped with my thoughts. 🫠

With my final semester of college also weighing on me, everything feels like it’s piling up. So, I think I just need a short break. Ew I feel like I sound so insecure. I think I’m just too hard on myself, especially when I get overwhelmed and burnt out.

I feel really guilty stepping away after working so hard to build this space and gaining so much support. The last thing I want is to let anyone down. But right now, this is what I need.

Please stick with me and don't forget me.

That said, I truly love being here, and I don’t think I can stay away for too long. Honestly, I might still post every now and then if I feel inspired. I also won’t be going completely dark - I want to stay engaged and continue supporting the amazing people I’ve met here. I’d love for my moots to keep me updated on their posts, and I’ll still be around to chat.

Sorry if none of this makes sense. I really hate that I've gotten to this point. I still have some things I want to complete and then I plan to take some time off from writing. But I will be around. We can still interact. I don't want to completely lose what I have here. 🤍

I want to go through some more requests and I have a couple of parts left of The Pen Pal. I like to finish what I’ve started and I’m committed to that. I'm posting this and I have a couple of drafts ready to post tonight and then going to take a break for a day or 2 after posting this (because I feel awful and I want to avoid it)

I’m hoping that this will bring me some relaxation but I’m also hoping it will bring me some inspiration too. I have a series I’d love to restart and a lovely anon gave me a great idea for a JJ AU I’d love to do at some point. I hope those ideas would excite you just as much too.

I think right now it will just be a couple of weeks off just from writing. To refresh, heal my mind, and finally breathe. I’ve already expressed it slightly in some posts but I’ve been really thinking about it.

I already can’t wait to be back because this community has been so good to me. I appreciate every single one of you. What’s that corny saying? It’s not goodbye it’s see you later? I love you guys, and I’ll make another post when I officially take my break.

I HOPE THIS MAKES SENSE. IT ALL DOES IN MY HEAD. JUST A LITTLE BAD AT EXPRESSING MYSELF.

I wanna thank everyone who has supported my writings and I LOVE every single one of you.

I also wanna thank some of my moots! You all have helped me incredibly since I've joined. You're all so kind hearted and probably the best group of people I've ever connected with on the internet. I’m still here so please don’t stop tagging me or reaching out, I’ll still support all of you when I’m on a break. Forgive me if I'm forgetting anyone- not really thinking right now. But this goes for all my moots. 🤍

@rafesheaven @cameronsprincess @inthelibrarybtw @littlelamy @leather-n-velvet @writingroom21 @ivysprophecy @maybejj @rafescokewhore @nemesyaaa @rafescvntyclubgf @angelicameron @tanjamikaelson @starkeynation @quinnsbabygirl @frankoceanluvr11 @httpsdrewstarkey @v3n1ce-bxtch @zyafics @whytheylosttheirminds @rafesbuzzcutseason @maybankslover

[messrsrarchives]

Hi, what is your opinion on hp fans still making Rowling’s books relevant by being in the fandom and talking about it? (For example hp has been 2nd most popular fandom on ao3. so this puts light on her work) I feel kind of guilty, like I'm a bad person for not being strong enough to let go of something I love for the benefit of marginalized groups. I'm not giving her money, but many people still say that's not enough and that I'm still supporting her just by making the hp fandom alive. I'm struggling. How do you deal with this?

i've spoken about this so much yes !!! it's such an Issue. my second (?) pinned video on tiktok talks about this a bit but i'll yap here too !

it's such a big part of why i'm always talking about jkr because i can be doing absolutely everything right, and i'm still complicit in it, yk? we're all Here. we're all keeping her relevant. that's why the reboot in particular is so frustrating because so many marauders creators on tiktok posted about it and it's like,,, oh. we can't avoid this.

so what Can we do? i think for me it's letting myself feeling that guilt? i think if you're feeling a certain amount of guilt, you're aware and you're on the right track. i wouldn't trust someone who doesn't feel a slight bit guilty engaging here tbh, especially right now.

harry potter is always going to be one of the biggest fandoms and this is where alllll the other discussions i've had comes into it !!! like yes, boycotting is great.

blowing up celebs comments? random people's comments? engaging on the official hp tiktok? posting your old merch? etc etc - all of this is Bad too. even if it seems like a bit of fun. all of that encourages engagement with her, especially when those celebs are then asked about it on the red carpet etc.

i think it's just about the least possible harm but yeah. that guilt hasn't really gone in my experience. i try,,,? like talking about it a lot helps but it's Hard. it's hard when i'm dealing with all these restrictions irl and then i come online and,,, engage with hp. the guilt hasn't really gone even if i'm doing the best i can.

but i do think if you're doing it Right. if you're keeping it in the fandom, if you're boycotting, if you're having these conversations? then you're doing the best you can.

but no yeah it's just a countdown to the reboot for me. the marauders fandom has 1000% benefitted her (hence the pandering) so i think a lot of us are just waiting to see the response to that and taking it as our cue to leave

so this isn't very positive i'm sorry !! you've caught me in one of my funks where i've spent the last week beating myself up about having a hp tiktok lols so it's a Lot Of Guilt right now, because it's undeniable that we keep her relevant.

but it's down to us on whether that relevance is good or not, you know?

[mangionebabymama]

the vibe in this community has been so strange lately :( hope things slowly go back to normal in the coming days. thanks for keeping your stuff soft and kind <3

Fuck, I know. 🥺 I anticipated that last Friday was going to be a lot for us, but I didn’t imagine that the aftermath of it would transpire into all of this that has happened, and continue to happen. I know that seeing Luigi in custody, in imprisonment—literally and figuratively—was going to hit hard for all of us, and that regardless, we were all going to stand in support together for him. Yet, it tore a lot of people apart within this community and had people putting up against each other.

I understand there's gonna be opposing viewpoints about things, and most likely in the end, nobody will ever be satisfied, and there can be valid judgments within good reason and accountability to help teach one another and look out for each other in being the best sources of support for Luigi, but I'm still really caught up about literal death threats that blogs were sent on here—and how many have scared them off of here and made people delete their blogs and/or then reevaluate their content completely. Of course, it's always up for individual discretion with how you want to do with your blog in the end, but it's like it was forced upon in some ways that nobody expected it to be. Now, I'm not gonna flame anybody for telling them what kind of content they wish and not wish to see on their Tumblr, as you have your full autonomy to consume the kind of content you wish to see, but if you don't like something—don't engage with it. I don't spend my time on here going after people who believe Luigi is guilty because it's not worth my time, and that's not what my blog space is designated for. However, to send people death threats over the kind of content they post on their Tumblr because it's not your preferred method of expressing your interests and cultivating your brand because you don't agree with it is fucking crazy work—and it is undoubtedly so when you're saying this, as you're in support of a man who's ultimately facing the death penalty and extreme federal charges, and you're rallying and mobilizing online that he gets his right to a fair trial. As much as you may be unlike those people that post content you don't like, you're just as alike as them in supporting the same cause. At the end of the day, we were all placed in the same room, categorized for being just supporters, we're all in the exact same that we're there for the same reason, that being supportive of Luigi, and that's that. 

I hope things go slowly back to the way they were, too, because I still feel the effects reeling in, and it’s almost been a week now. I know that, for myself, I’ve shifted slightly from what I would usually post for many reasons, but for one, I still want to post and interact because I love being on here and I want to make my best efforts possible in continuing to talk about Luigi. I’ve also shifted a bit for the reason of protecting my peace and trying to avoid all and any backlash that so many blogs—including many of these involving my friends and people I’ve made great connections with—were undeservedly bombarded wwith. Of course, I could still be prone to these morality police officers, as they could dive deep into my blog and look at all the content I’ve posted. Even if I would delete something, I’ve been here long enough. People know what kind of blog I’ve made on here these last two months.

I’m not gonna lie. Seeing Luigi last Friday hurt me, and seeing him again in court and being villainized, criminalized, and shackled hit home, because we hadn’t seen him in so long and there, once again, he’s being paraded and politicized in ways and in living color that he doesn’t deserve to be—and it’s wrong that it’s happening like this. It’s really in our hands that we keep talking about him and spreading awareness about his rights and this case for however long he’s in imprisonment. Every little bit matters, and that little bit can do great impact—no matter how big or small.

I hope you’ve been holding up okay, and I appreciate your kind words. We’re here for each other, and everyone else. 🤍