#but it is so fucking hard to stop myself from hyperfixating and learning every language system he's created

[sapphoismymuse]

"linguistics is my passion!! i love languages!!"

what do you mean there are multiple different runic systems. what do you mean the runes in The Hobbit are completely different from the runes in Lotr. what do you mean i have to learn a completely different runic system now.

[meshkol]

Do you mind if I ask your top 10 favorite characters (can be male or female) from all of the media that you loved (can be anime, books, movies or tv series)? And why do you love them? Thanks....

Hello there! I absolutely don't mind this question. I love this question, actually, and I've never...actually answered it before, at least not on this blog in an open forum with all my favourites. So this is actually cool and made my brain go oooooooooooooh. Thank you so much for this ask <3

I've answered this briefly on fandoms and faves, specifically just listing them by names, but haven't really gone into why I love these disasters, mostly because I'm long-winded af and English isn't my first language. This is the tip of the iceberg and do not include real-world individuals (that would have to be a different post entirely). Anywho, here goes, I suppose, and I apologise in advance for the length LMAO. Seriously, this is, like, 5k. (It’s also formatted weird because tumblr doesn’t like paragraphs in bullets, but it still looks a little wonky to me??)

Anyway, here are my ten favourite fictional characters and why I love them, in order. Actual content is beneath the cut because it is long.

(1) Thranduil Oropherion [Tolkien's Legendarium]. My first introduction into English was Tolkien's Legendarium. I had read The Silmarillion, The Hobbit, and The Lord of the Rings in French and had them read to me as a bedtime story before I could even read myself, but it was literally the first series of books I picked up myself when I was a tiny little thing and was like “I’m gonna figure out what all of these weird little letters mean in this weird bizarre language so I can read it in its intended language by Professor Tolkien!” So yeah, literally my first introduction into English, before I was put into official tutoring, because I was so hyperfixated by this legendarium. This fandom is still my One True Fandom to this day.

The Sindar in general were my main focus of study and fixation, even though Tolkien had a gigantic hard-on for the Ñoldor (literally and figuratively, probably, considering Galadriel, but I digress), and even though Thranduil wasn’t even named in The Hobbit, I distinctly remember tunnelling on his parts as a toddler who couldn’t even fucking read yet and asking to hear his portions of the story instead of the dwarrows. He is the sole reason why I hyperfixated on the Sindar despite the criminal lack of content on their kind, and why I started to learn English long before I was required to do so for education’s sake.

He was just so kind and generous and understanding and brave and wary and tired and strong – nothing like what the films did to his character, don’t get me fucking started on that utter rot, the films did Thranduil dirty...though Lee Pace played him dishy af and I still enjoy the films as a separate entity from the books, kind of like how enjoy the MCU as a separate entity from the comics – and I needed that in my life. The elves in general were those things, but Thranduil was my first introduction to that, and he was a hell of a first imprint to my young, impressionable mind, especially in the environment I grew up in. I needed a father like he was, who was kind and generous and understanding and brave and wary and tired and strong, not the father I had, which was pretty much every other father Tolkien described in the books lol. I latched onto him to an almost extreme amount of insanity and that has persisted to this day. I love him so much that it’s damn near pathetic. You don’t see it much on this blog but whew, on my other blog(s) back before LiveJournal, FFN, and the overall internet imploded?? Yeah, it was nuts. So much fanfiction, I swear. Probably published about two to three million words before the purges on private servers and LJ. I will never stop being bitter and devastated about that. ao3 is king, all hail ao3.

(2) Tony Stark [Marvel]. So there’s a lot to say about this disaster of a human being and I don’t even know where to start, because there’s a lot of baggage associated with the beginning of my love for him.

There’s an echo of my English beginnings with him too, since I practised my English with those comics, and that’s tinged with some bittersweetness too. So for some background that is open knowledge on this blog: I hate my biological father with a burning passion. He’s an awful person and I hope he fucking dies a horrible, painful, awful, embarrassingly humiliating death. But weirdly enough, despite the extreme conservative household he ruled over with an iron fist, he...liked comics?? He hated that I loved Tolkien – my maman, before they got divorced, read those stories to me – but when he realised I was beginning to read things in English, something that was heavily encouraged in our household because "English is business" as he liked to say, he actually would give me Iron Man comics to practise reading with. Not Batman and Superman and Captain America (he hated Captain America LOL the height of irony) and Spider-Man, but Iron Man, a C-list-at-best superhero. It was probably because Tony was a billionaire industrialist who saved the world and my father was gamely ignoring the multitude of issues Tony has, but whatever, I latched onto Tony like a leech nonetheless because of those multitudes of issues Tony has.

I think my father liked to think that he either was similar to Tony or could be like Tony one day – they were both businessmen, after all, and were both outwardly pompous pricks to the public. My father was very pleased when I adored Iron Man/Tony Stark and clearly expected that I would start being amendable to him because of that adoration, except I started waxing poetry about how Tony was so much more than those surface-level masks. He was complex, and full of survivor’s guilt and just plain-old-guilt, and hated his father, and loved so deeply, and cared so deeply, and wanted to change the world for the better instead of destroying it, and he was a socialist, and he believed in women’s rights and was probably bisexual and got pegged by Gamora and-and-and—

Yeah, my father didn’t like Tony Stark very much longer LOL, especially once I got old enough to understand what socialism really was. Worked out for me because I got to nick all of his comics when he tossed them all out in a rage, and a lot of them are worth loads of money now that the MCU is a thing. But anyway.

It's kind of funny, actually, especially since I’m taking something that my biological father weirdly enjoyed despite his extreme conservative puratism and writing extreme BDSM porn about it all the time. I find it very therapeutic and a fun little Fuck You™. What can I say, I’m a spiteful queer. <3

But anyway, I really love Tony for a lot of different reasons, even if the origins for it are a little bittersweet and come from a place of spite lol. He’s just...very complex and I just feel him on a very deep, personal level. Tony is the only character on this list that I can empathise and sympathise with on almost every aspect of his person: he had a horrible and abusive father, had problems with drugs and alcohol, has crippling self-doubt and anxiety, is almost certainly neurodivergent, masks on a daily basis, deals with survivor’s guilt, etc-etc. The only thing that I can’t empathise with is the liking-vagina thing (I am way too queer for that sort of thing haha, though I’d be alright with a woman if she had a prick, hence why I identify as ‘queer’ instead of ‘gay’; trans and NB people are sexy af) and the RT (arc reactor for you MCU fans), but then again, half of my rib cage is metal and my leg is full of pins so...meh??

(3) Hatake Kakashi [Naruto]. My first real introduction into Japanese fandom lmao. My brother and I had watched Dragon Ball with a few classmates but outside of that, I’d had no real exposure to anime or manga because my father banned that sort of thing from the household, and I’m too old for what the younger kids these days are exposed to, like ATLA and Yu-Gi-Oh and all that. I ended up getting a translated sub of the Naruto anime from someone online when I was in university, watched it for the lulz, and ended up tunnelling on the weird half-masked dude who went batshit when his lil baby students were threatened. As you do.

Another one of those events where my lovely little ND brain went nuts. By the time that I had discovered the fandom, Shippūden was just starting to air, but I am incredibly impatient, hate filler episodes, and also hate American puritan bullshit, so I just...decided to scoff the anime and read the manga instead because I read faster plus new languages! Didn’t really anticipate how hard Japanese is though LMAO. Mercifully, translations come out pretty quickly, but I still sort of threw myself into language courses and study and so this fandom is sort of credited for me learning a new language. Can’t really speak it very well, since I never bothered to focus on that avenue and I still haven’t watched the anime haha, but I can read it (albeit with the occasional glance at unfamiliar kanji when I come across it, cos there’s a lot of fuckin kanji holy shit) very well. Language is weird.

Anyway. Kakashi is just awesome and gives off lazy does-not-give-a-fuck energy until someone fucks with his peeps, in which he goes to 9,000 in about half a second flat and decimates everything that moves. And I think that’s very sexy of him. I also have a thing for angst and tortured backstories, in case that wasn’t completely fucking obvious by my everything, so when I tunnelled on him within the first six seconds of watching that first episode and began researching his character, obviously I was like, “Ah shit, this one is gonna be fascinating to read and write fic for, think of all the whump possibilities.” Especially in the Naruto universe, where they send literal toddlers to war, which is batshit crazy and fucking nuts to the extreme – to be able to dig into that sort of worldbuilding and find out how characters would adapt, grow, and develop resilience in that sort of environment is like crack to an angst and smut demon like me, and combined with a backstory like Hatake Kakashi (and Uchiha Itachi, who’s coming up soon enough)?? Yeah, it was inevitable.

Doesn’t exactly help that he also gives of hurt/comfort vibes with all his charges too, and I also tend to gravitate towards those types of characters just as much as ethically grey but morally good characters and/or people with fucked-up backstories. You combine all the above with an aesthetically attractive character and you’ve got yourself a real winner lmao. I’m predictable af.

(4) L Lawliet [Death Note]. L is batshit nuts, let’s just throw that out there early. The manga and manga had been released fully by the time I had registered its existence and, if I recall correctly, I had only picked it up because I saw a piece of fanart on tumblr back in...shit, it must’ve been late 2009, since I started writing my first DN fic after the new year and published the first chapter soon after (that remains my most reviewed fic to date by an obscene amount lmao; don’t even look or check reviews anymore because I’m old and bitter now, but ten+ years ago?? That sweet, sweet validation before fandom imploded and ao3 sprung into existence out of pure necessity and self-preservation by fandom?? Yeah, that was a hell of a time to be alive).

Saw a creepy-looking, but also paradoxically attractive-looking frog man eating sugar cubes and cake like it was covered in bacteria in a ridiculously well-done piece of fanart circulated on the wild-wild-west tumblr, because I’ve been on this hellsite since forever on various blogs (and I’m never fucking leaving it, no matter how hard staff tries to implode it or how many pricks inhabit it, fuck you staff and pornbots and gay-men fetishisers who flood my ask box asking for nudes and shit, go get a therapist). Anyway, as a person who went to school for a stupidly long period of time hyperfixating on parasites, infectious diseases, and pathogens, and how human beings act and respond to said things, I immediately was like, “Oooh, frog man looks like he’s got germaphobia, that sounds like something that is aligned with my interests, what’s this from??”

Did a cursory search and here lies a fandom of a psycho teenager with a g-d complex who quickly enters university (because I generally do not fuck around with secondary school shit, that squicks me out hardcore) after finding a magical notebook that just straight up murders motherfuckers, who is being hunted by a mid-twenties detective who does have germaphobia and autism (like me!) and probably scoptophobia and is probably riding the line of ethical legality with his investigation practises, and oops, looks like I’ve entered Death Note hell.

Like I said, I like ethically grey characters with a firmly good moral code, and L’s doubly interesting because he’s an orphan with a semi-established backstory, which means that you can take liberties with his character to flesh it out to your whims. Which I did. A lot. With a lot of angst and gay, because obviously. There isn’t anything too deep about why I love him like the other three, and there’s probably a lot of fanon and headcanon interpretation that colours why I love him as much as I do, but that’s about the extent of it. I think of L Lawliet and I think of my mammoth story I wrote for him, and all of the love I received for that story, and during a time when fandom was going through a massive upheaval, it was a bright point that I really needed.

(5) Uchiha Itachi [Naruto]. Aesthetically attractive character? Check. Ethically grey and morally good character? Check. Tragic backstory? Check. Hurt/comfort with his charges? ...er, not so much, because his brother is a tool and I hope that psychopathic, abusive, whiny little bitch dies in a fire. But anyway, that’s kind of why Itachi doesn’t rank higher, to be honest lmao. Love this little freak a lot though (especially when he’s getting it on with Kakashi and/or Sakura, but whatever, I have my OTPs in this fandom and I’m old and tired enough to be pretty blasé about the purity police in American shipping culture, which is hilarious considering Naruto worldbuilding because did they even read or watch the manga?? That shit is fucking awful). He’s very queer-coded, like most ‘villains’ are even in Japanese media, and that obviously is of high interest to me, being queer myself.

He also has the demanding father, high expectations on his shoulders, and was understandably insane before he died, but somehow was loyal to averting war and maintaining peace and prosperity?? If I had been him, I would’ve either retired to the sea or watched the world burn so seriously, he deserved so much more than what he got, which was being murdered by his brother (seriously, fuck that bastard). He was also extremely shrouded in mystery even despite the major reveals within the manga, anime fillers, and novels so it was fun as fuck to flesh out his character in fic, not to mention it was obscenely interesting from an epidemiological prospective to dig into his illness in an effort to identify what it was.

Additionally, Itachi is also certainly neurodivergent too, which was obviously relevant to me, and it was also a very unique portrayal since it wasn’t the ‘uwu smol bean who’s good at mathematics or piano awwww’ or the ‘non-verbal, screaming savant’ autism that is so pervasive in media. He was straight-up brutal and violent on occasion, massacred his clan to save his village and brother, and was the consummate spy and master of mind-fucks, and yet he was kind and generous and did everything in his power to stave off something worse, though he ended up failing in the end because of matters out of his hands and because he was only one man. I don’t know, I have a lot of feelings about this man.

I’m still unimaginably bitter about the truly insane amount of fic and meta about him that I lost during the various purges – though I shudder to think about the plethora of anon hate and comments/reviews I’d probably be flooded in today’s purity culture, though admittedly a chunk of my Naruto fic was written in Japanese and, in a smaller number, French so it wouldn’t have had to deal with as much bullshit from American audiences – because the vast majority of it was about Itachi and/or Kakashi in the Naruto fandom. But what can you do?

(6) Draco Malfoy [Harry Potter]. Oooooh boy, where to even start with this arsehole. So. Despite the fact that I want Joanne Rowling to get lost in a distant galaxy and take her bullshit elsewhere, and despite the fact that Strikethrough/Boldthrough and the shipping wars still give me metaphorical nightmares, I have a lot of fond memories of the HP (and Drarry) fandom, and still obviously write for and read that pairing myself. Harry’s alright, I suppose, but Draco’s got a special place in my heart, mostly because I both see myself in him and see what I could’ve been at the same time, if that makes sense, so my love of him is very personal.

He grew up wealthy and privileged and I grew up like that too, albeit Jewish and brown instead of white and magical like Draco is. He grew up with a demanding shit of a father who wanted him to have a wife and an heir, and I grew up with a demanding shit of a father who wanted me to have a wife and a child. Draco was supposed to be exactly like his father, walk the line and talk the talk, follow the doctrine and never step a toe out of his father’s approved line, never think for himself and to think lesser of anyone who was considered weaker or poor or what-have you, and Draco eventually realised (through self-preservation, ambition, and good old fashioned fear) that he needed to pull his head out of his arse, stop parroting his father’s racist dogma, and go against the grain if he was going to survive. I did the exact same thing. Sure, Draco did it through war and I did it through...a very different type of war, but it was the same sort of concept in my head, and I connected to him in a very visceral way when I was younger.

It was a double hit to the gut when I learnt that his wife died post-books (i.e. post-school), because my husband died post-school. But anyway.

But we both also could’ve turned out just like our fathers if things hadn’t gone tits-up, y’know. If the Wizarding War hadn’t happened and Draco hadn’t been forced to choose between saving his mother and his honour as a human being, Draco would’ve probably been a carbon copy of all the Malfoys before him. If I hadn’t gone through what I’d gone through because I’d been born queer and autistic, I would’ve probably been a carbon copy of my father and his father before him. It’s a very sobering and humbling thought.

He’s not perfect, that’s for damn sure, but none of us are, are we? We all have to unlearn shit that we internalise or are indoctrinated to accept as normal when we are children. Draco Malfoy is kind of my little comfort bastard that I get to use as therapy, because in a way I get to live vicariously through him and expunge a lot of nasty shit I am still unlearning, and I’ll always love him for giving me the opportunity to play around in that sandbox in a safe, fictional environment, just as I love playing around with all my other favourite characters in safe, fictional environments regardless of the fucked up, batshit crazy situations I put them through lol.

(7) Viktor Nikiforov [Yuri!!! On Ice]. Viktor is an interesting conundrum, because he’s an infamous ball of sunshine (with the occasional glimpse of serious melancholy or depression, however rare that may be) and that’s not my usual M.O. of favourite characters LMAO. But I am figure skating trash and when Yuri!! On Ice came out, I was on-the-fuck-board with watching that shit for sure. Like. I have a few major, life-will-hit-a-standstill hyperfixations and figure skating is one of them. So when there was a fucking figure skating anime coming out?? Yes please and thank you very fucking much.

I think the reason I love him so much – outside of the fact that he’s aesthetically gorgeous, that is – is because when the anime was airing, I was kind of in a transition phase in my life and was writing a fic I was getting a metric fuck-tonne of hate for, with pretty much zero support system, so I needed a comfort character who was just...really supportive?? Viktor is really supportive, understanding, and patient with Yuuri, who is a fucking anxious disaster of a human, and I guess I just latched onto that at the time. It also helps that his past is a complete blank slate, so it’s absolute fun to headcanon any sort of angsty shit I want. Or kinky shit. It’s really easy to project myself on him because he is the definition of a blank slate, and he’s down for pole dancing and exhibitionism and all sorts of really fun stuff. I just love a guy who’s up to whatever lmao. (Also, I’ve read so much good fic that has just cemented my love of him, seriously, there is some good shit out there, like woah.)

(8) Hermione Granger [Harry Potter]. Hey look, a woman on this list! No, but seriously, listen. Listen. I love her so fucking much. She’s the only member of the Golden Trio that doesn’t drive me bonkers on a regular basis – I love you Harry and Ron, I do, but seriously, I want to strange both of you on the reg – and she might need to learn tact sometimes but she’s the only one who I think has anything resembling common-fucking-sense in that whole damn series. She’s smart, she’s brave, she’s clever, she’s a badarse, she’s stellar at everything she puts her mind to, she doesn’t give a fuck what you think, she’s passionate, she’s willing to be vulnerable and doesn’t think that makes her look weak, and she’s pretty much the only one keeping those two dumb idiots she calls best friends alive most of the time. She’s an interesting case where she grew up ‘normal’, in the sense that she had well-adjusted parents and a well-adjusted home life, but then got thrown into an absolute shitshow of war and all that, particularly a magical war where her best friend was the main target and she was also a main target just because she was Muggle-born.

Muggle-borns were targeted just because they existed, to be tortured and exterminated, and that makes it even more personal for me because I’m Jewish. Almost my entire family was exterminated during the Shoah (Holocaust) and the Occupation of France – I still remember listening to my grand-mère’s story and the tattoo on her arm is seared into my brain to this very day. I still remember all the stories, from her and all the others, some still alive but most gone now. Knowing what my people went through during the Occupation, what my countrymen went through during the Resistance...it is chilling and humbling to think of the parallels of what Muggle-borns like Hermione must’ve experienced and lived through during the Wizarding War, when they were being rounded up and tried in a mockery of a court, sent to prisons and tortured and murdered. How that must’ve weighed on her, the fear of her life and Harry’s life, her parents. I feel that fear every day even now. The parallels of the Shoah and the Wizarding War are very therapeutic to write about, and it’s a way to get my grand-mère’s story out too, because she’s gone now and there’s no one to tell her story to because no one cares to listen anymore. I get to write justice and victory and closure for her people because my family doesn’t get to have that peace – they’re in mass graves and gas chambers and labour factories where influencers and tourists with selfie sticks grin at their iPhones where my people died.

Anyway, Hermione Granger deserves the world, and that’s the fuckin’ tea.

(9) Sebastian Smythe [Glee]. This follows a lot of the same themes as Draco Malfoy, tbh: grew up with privilege and money, was a bit of an arse, blahblahblah, then had a world-changing moment in their life and altered their life for the better. The difference between the two is that Sebastian isn’t as fleshed out as Draco is – there are seven books and a lot of official and unofficial canon material for HP whereas Glee just had Sebastian for about twelve seconds. Still, Sebastian allegedly lived in Paris, which is gross as a person from southern France but is nevertheless France. In addition, he was also canonically gay, canonically kinky (at least verbally but likely in practise too), canonically promiscuous, and canonically unashamed about all those things, which was fucking insane in primetime television about high school students that was hugely popular amongst mainstream audiences in the United States. Seriously, Glee was massive in America.

I never read or wrote any fic centred around secondary school shit because again, that squicks me out, not really because of age stuff but because fuck secondary school, I hated that time of my life and I don’t want to revisit it even in fiction lol. Also, I didn’t go to ‘high school’ in the U.S. and the idea of doing copious amounts of research on the American high school education system is exhausting, ngl, especially since it seems like every single state and every single country and every single district does it differently. You lot are confusing as fuck. Anyway, I like the idea of taking what little we do know about Sebastian and fleshing out his character based off my own experiences growing up in France – though I grew up in superior half because fuck the north and especially Paris – and then making it more angsty lol. A lot of my love for him is because of self-projection, the ability to headcanon and fill in gaps, and because fanon exists, I guess. It’s kind of funny because I don’t particularly find Grant Gustin, the actor, attractive at all, but I find the character attractive, if that makes any sense. I dunno. Anyway, I ship him with Kurt and they can have a lot of kinky sex in between affectionate bickering and sarcastic bitchfests. Those are the best kinds of dynamics imo

(10) Haruno Sakura [Naruto]. Another woman! LMAO. Nah, but seriously, I love her, despite the epic amount of hate she gets in the Naruto fandom (and the horrible treatment she got in the actual source material, don’t get me fucking started). Forgive the crudeness, but I’m a cis guy who’s into sucking prick or getting reamed by said prick, so I don’t usually focus on women in the media I consume, but there’s something about Sakura that I really jived with when I was getting into Shippūden. She was admittedly annoying as hell and airheaded for a boy in the first arc because she had been essentially brainwashed to think that was what girls were supposed to do (g-d, I hate how girls are practically tailored and bred for boys, it’s awful, as a guy I can tell you that we’re all a bunch of morons) but then realised that she needed to pull her head out of her arse, take matters into her own hands, and protect the people around her as well as start cracking skulls open because men are stupid. Which, again, is true.

Sakura is amazing, hands down, and she is absolutely a one-hit badarse. She gets a lot of flak because shippers of their “faves” don’t like that she’s in the middle of their gay ship and that’s literally the only reason they hate her, which is fucking gross as a queer man who’s sick and tired of being fetishised. She cuts a lot of motherfuckers down with her fists, heals the sick and wounded, is wicked smart, doesn’t take any nonsense from anyone, and is just plain cool as hell. Another one of those interesting cases like Hermione in which Sakura comes from humble upbringings, then ended up on a team with a bunch of fucked-up misfits and got thrown in the middle of drama and then a huge war that she was a cornerstone of, and I love being able to dive into what that does to someone like that. It wasn’t as debilitating as Hermione’s situation was, since the entire cornerstone of the Fourth Shinobi World War was about the jinchūriki (like Naruto) and not people like Sakura herself (in contrast to the situation in HP), but it’s still delicious to writers and worldbuilding angst-monsters like me.

I also like fix-it fics, like, a lot, and I hate Sasuke, like, a lot, and the canon material did Sakura dirty by ruining her character development in one sweep by hooking her up with a psychopath who’s canonically an abusive and a megalomaniac, so. I have a lot of fun with that, despite the sheer amount of flames and death threats I get for writing it. Y’know, because people don’t understand nuance or the Three Laws of Fandom, and clearly haven’t read/watched the fucked-up source material that is the Naruto manga/anime. If they had, they’d chill tf out and find another hobby.

Anyway, that's all for this post, and this is the only the tip of the iceberg as to why I love these (fictional) characters. IRL people is a different post altogether. And this also turned into a novel. And personal. Oops. I hope this answered your question at least somewhat...possibly?? It’s a really difficult question and I don’t really connect with a character unless there’s significant emotional and personal attachment, so it kind of goes hand-in-hand, therefore it’s a long response and a bit TMI and Extra™. I’m also-also sorry for any spelling and grammar mistakes; I have to start getting ready for work so I don’t have time to go over it again, English isn’t my first language, and I am in the middle of writing a figure skating AU for stevetony (it’s already at almost 70k and I’m only on chapter two of nine and I’ve only been writing for two months, please send help).

Toodles!

[meichenxi]

*rant commencing*

ok guys let’s sit down and have a think about the way we talk to kids, particularly neurodivergent ones, and the weight it carries

the other day, I opened up to a friend about something really hurtful my best (and only) friend said to me when I was fifteen. It was a moment of emotional intimacy and the first time I had brought it up seven years later and, once again, I got laughed at and told I was too fucking sensitive

and ok maybe yeah I was a ridiculous child. I’m a ridiculous adult, that shouldn’t be surprising. But this hurt and hurt and hurt and I was trying to think about why this in particular and not anything else was so painful

so here’s the situation. at fifteen, like many smart kids, everyone thought the world was open to me. Ok I had no social skills to speak of and was ostracised by teachers and students and family, but I was an optimistic kid, and in a disaster of a home situation (involving kidnappings and court cases and running away and being out of school for a year and a brother starting drugs at 12 and living in a shelter and basically just a LOT) I was always the smiley helpful one. and apart from being defeated by very simple mechanisms like idk drawers or biscuit packets, I picked things up quickly. I took GCSEs early and extra and tutored others; I was a regional competitive swimmer in breaststroke and open water; I taught myself the flute and got into an international touring youth orchestra without lessons; I won a poetry competition for adults in primary school; I played competitive netball and was a long distance runner; I drew and sold my art; I wrote shitty novels and started making conlangs and was interviewed on bbc world about it; I loved performing and was invited to join a theatre company when I left school; and my biggest passion in the entire world apart from Tolkien was martial arts. And the best thing was for my parents - one of whom was disabled and didn’t work and the other who was a cleaner - is that I worked two paper rounds and tutored younger children and earned all of the money for it myself. blah blah blah. I was your mum’s friend’s kid. 

well, I’m a disaster adult, so you can probably guess that none of that lasted for very long. and there are gazillions of people here with exactly the same story. 

the point in question, though, was when I was fifteen and thinking about sixth form (the last two years of school in the UK) it was becoming clear alarmingly fast that you weren’t allowed to just keep doing everything you loved. at some point you had to make a choice. 

but how could I give up swimming for music? Or music for languages? Or languages for athletics? Or athletics for theatre? or, actually, all of them but one???? how did people just know what they had to do with their lives? how did they choose? 

the problem was, I said to my friend, I know I could do well at any of them, so how was I supposed to choose? (tactless and a stupid thing to say and also just not true but I was fifteen and simultaneously disgustingly cocky and cripplingly insecure) And he laughed and said, well, fuck you then. 

oh noooo. poor meeeeeee. I’m so fucking good at things what do I dooooo

I haven’t stopped thinking about that comment for seven years. Every single time I think about wasting my potential, every time I can’t sleep because I’m terrified that I’m not being productive or useful and hating myself because I’m upset that I can’t do something right away and I know it’s a stupid thing to be upset about - I think about that comment. I’m lucky. It’s alright for some. 

because, actually, being expected to know what to do with your life aged 15 is a fucking terrifying thing. we were kids at fifteen being told to make decisions as if we had all the facts, as if we weren’t also being blindfolded and spun around in circles until we couldn’t stand. Do you do what your parents say? what you think you want to do? what your teachers say? do you just stay in education even though it’s not for you because your dream is stupid, or because you don’t have a dream like everyone else seems to? are you supposed to have a dream?

*it’s NOT a stupid thing to worry about*

particularly when? well, when your entire self worth equates to the things that you output, the things that you do. so just for a moment, put yourself in the shoes of all of these wonderful, dazzling, damaged, crazy kids with big dreams and big hearts, kids that are struggling right now and kids that are our future, and imagine that you’ve been told since you were old enough to read or speak or walk that you’re just so very clever

isn’t it just wonderful how clever you are? isn’t it just great how we never need to worry about you? you’re such an easy child, it’s a blessing. always so considerate, so thoughtful, never making a fuss! isn’t it just fantastic how well you do in school? I can’t imagine what it must be like to have a child who went to all of those nasty parties. you’re so dedicated

raise your hand if you were only ever told you were good. raise your hand if you were never told you were kind. 

so, what happens? you take a child, and you tell them for its entire childhood that they’re clever. You don’t tell them that they’re creative, or hard-working, or dedicated, or driven, or helpful. You let them know that it’s ok that they’re weird, because they’re going to be successful. what do you think parents say to their kid who’s crying because she has no friends and she doesn’t understand what the other children are thinking and why they would hurt each other like that? even good parents, the very best of them, say things like: you’re just more mature than they are. it doesn’t matter. keep your head down - you’ll show them. 

your child, in the best case scenario, has access to her hyperfixation that makes the world big and bright and beautiful. she’s a bit weird, but it’s kind of cute. anyway, she’s good at it. and as long as she succeeds, conventionally, and you get to brag, then it’s ok that she’s a little bit unconventional.

and then things to break, just a little. and then, aged eleven, your child is having an asthma attack in the classroom because she got so anxious she couldn’t answer a maths question she couldn’t breathe. it’s ok, her parents tell her the next day. you’re just not good at maths - that’s alright. you don’t have to be good at everything

your child, because she’s perceptive, begins to realise that things don’t get better as you get older. people are just as cruel at 12 as they are at 7, and they’ll be just as cruel at 15. and then one day, as a bad joke because she doesn’t really understand humour, she writes a fake text to her dad from someone’s phone in legalese that actually has a secret code hidden it in that she knows her dad will crack right away because he’s brilliant. she thinks it’s hilarious. her father thinks he is being threatened, and spends the next week in meltdown, bedridden and burnt-out. and when she owns up, he turns and snaps at her, and says as if you could write something like that. an ADULT wrote this, not a fucking child

and suddenly, that cleverness they kept talking about? they don’t even understand that. 

suddenly, no one sees her at all. 

she needs to learn to be like the other kids. to be like a fucking child. and while she’s learning, she doesn’t speak for a year

that happened to me, but take your pick - I’m sure you don’t have to look far to find examples of your own. 

My point is this: if you tell a child for their entire life that the only thing that is worthy of being loved is what they achieve, if every time they do something they love you tell them oh, you could be a famous writer! you’re so talented! rather than saying that you loved listening to their story, if you only praise them when they’re good and quiet and convenient and tell them that as long as they succeed, it doesn’t matter if they don’t have friends or if they’re miserable, and THEN you tell them to choose ONE THING and drop 90% of everything that makes them who they are - 

what the hell did you THINK was going to happen??

because here’s the first thing. for many kids, whether that’s because of neurodivergence or age maturity or whatever, hyper fixations and hobbies aren’t just things they like to do. THEY ARE LIFELINES. they’re the things these kids go to when they’re hurt, angry, upset, because they make sense. for many kids, especially but not always girls, they are able to camouflage themselves and mask tendencies of neurodivergence because they’re ‘good students’. at a family gathering once, my mum, so frustrated at my inability and lack of desire to talk to any members of my extended family, snatched my German grammar book and locked it in the boot of the car. knowing that I escape and read it in the toilet was the only thing keeping me going, exhausted and stressed and overwhelmed. I vomited on the grass.

and here’s the second thing. you tell us from an early age that they only way we’ll ever be acceptable to the rest of society is if we succeed. autistic kids are fine, as long as they’re international maths olympiad champions. adhd kids are fine, as long as they’re famous athletes. if you’re obsessed with musicals that’s ok, as long as that obsession leads to a well-paying job as a successful writer on Broadway. 

and then you tell us that we only have one chance at that success? and this decision determines the rest of our lives? and that we had so much potential when we were kids, and we better not waste it now? that not everyone is so lucky to be able to choose between so many things?? 

because being asked to choose between these things isn’t being asked to choose a hobby. when the only way anyone else defines you positively is by your success in one area, that becomes your entire identity. 

so no, we’re not being too sensitive when you ask us to pick and choose what career, or what hobby to take forward. you’re not asking about hobbies. you’re asking us to choose what kind of person we want to be. you’re asking us to choose the most impactful way we can give back to the world, because we can’t waste those god-given talents. you’re asking us to figure out, still a child and hopelessly lost, what our purpose on this planet is. and you’re looking at us as if the ways that we survived all of these years, the things we clung to for comfort, are things we can just cast aside without further thought

ask me now, and I’ll tell you that’s not the way things work. we have second chances and third ones and tenth ones, we can be different things to different people and we can do different things at different parts in our lives, and be successful in different areas. life isn’t a fucking flowchart. and I’m still trying to come to terms with all the things I could have been, and my freak-outs about ‘wasted potential’ are so clockwork I could plan my calendar around them, but I’m beginning to understand that life doesn’t end when you’re twenty, or when you haven’t written a best-seller by eighteen. you have time.   

but at fifteen? at fifteen, that question broke me. 

do you know what you can do instead? you can show a little thoughtfulness. you can be kinder, and lead by example, and praise your kids when they’re kind too. when your son runs to you and shows you what you think is a better picture than you - a stick figure artisan, if you say so yourself - could ever create, you can actually just say you really like it. you can ask him if that’s him and daddy and the dog on a cloud. describe the picture back to him, and engage with this thing he’s made from his imagination - tell him the clouds he’s drawn are so big and fluffy and white, and ask if there are giant spiders living there. you know how to shut a child up? tell them yes dear, it’s wonderful. don’t be that person. promote your kid’s creativity - ask questions, have fun, play with this thing they’ve made - and not destroy it

when your daughter comes to you and shows you a song she’s written, don’t tell her she’s so talented or that she could be a musician one day. just sing along. ask her why she wrote it, and what she was thinking of when she did. ask her if she could make it different for two people singing it at the same time. 

and if your child just really, really loves maths? let them do maths. it’s ok if their interests are stereotypical - as long as they love it and it’s fun, supporting them is wonderful. the best present my father ever got me was five hours of tutoring - an introduction to linguistics!! - when I turned twelve, starting on my birthday at 8am. I had never felt so understood and so loved. 

as much as these simple things can destroy someone’s life, can stop them talking for a year, you have the chance to be that one voice of kindness that is a friend where a young person needs it most. 

for me, this was the Bus Lady. I never knew her first name because I forgot immediately and was too embarrassed to ask again, but we got the bus together for two years right before I applied to university - she was a trainee teacher at my school. she saw that I missed tutor group and sat in the corridor every morning writing, and that I ran laps for an hour every lunchtime instead of sitting alone. but she came and sat with me one morning and asked what I was doing; I was developing a new shorthand and told her so warily. 

she didn’t raise her eyebrows or say wow, that’s...that’s amazing. instead she frowned and looked at me skeptically and said ‘But why would you do that? There are plenty of functional shorthands out there - what does your shorthand have that they don’t? Tell me about it.’

I had no idea what to say

this was the first time anyone had actually ENGAGED in any capacity with what I was doing. and just like that, just by treating me seriously and asking valid questions and pointing out inconsistencies, I was a person who happened to have an idea that was in some serious need of questioning, and not a freak

there’s no way she remembers that interaction; she’s been a teacher now for year and probably doesn’t even remember who I am. But I had been this close to not going to university, to not bothering, and she made me stop, and wait a moment

she will never know the difference that that conversation and two months of kindness on the bus from a stranger made in my life. 

so let’s be kind to each other, please. let’s be forgiving. let’s challenge each other and let’s engage with kids with special interests and listen to them talk. and so to any educators or teachers or parents or even other kids, I want to say - let’s treat our words seriously and with respect, like we treat our children, because they have immense capacity to hurt, because they can be used for good. 

to any other fifteen year olds in a similar position, I just want to say: none of us here on tumblr have properly sorted our lives out, but I promise you it does get so much better.

you’re not too sensitive. you’re not a freak. you’re not only acceptable because you succeed. I know if you’re masking you feel you have to and it’s for survival, and I’m sorry, because you shouldn’t have to. and you should never, never have to think that you ‘have it good’ or that you’re lucky and are not allowed to hurt. there’s always some one who has it worse, and you can’t stop beat yourself up about that. fuck anyone who tells you otherwise. if you have gone through trauma, if you have unhealthy coping mechanisms, if you are depressed or anxious or otherwise mentally ill and some of it stems from this, I am so very very sorry. but you will be ok, even if you can’t write for a couple of years, or even if things change. you’ll get there. speaking as someone who is now writing for the first time in six years, drawing for the first time in longer, it’s scary and new and weird, but you will come out the other side. 

and you do work hard. and you are creative. and you are loved. and you are so very, very kind.

*rant over*

[jemmo]

‘get to know me’ tag game

rules: answer the questions and tag people you’d like to get to know better.

i was tagged by @ena-noya11 and yes this is old but ive been busy with uni and am not gonna miss a chance to rant about myself. but i wont tag anyone, just if you see this do it bc wtf not???

What do you perfer to be called name-wise?

jess, always jess. i cant remember the last time anyone called me jessica. although some people do call me moon which is cute

When is your birthday?

september 23rd

Where do you live?

im as british as they come

Three things you are doing right now:

let me see...im procrastinating from doing my dry lab work bc i cant go back into labs, im listening to my lovely new side m boys (rn its infinite possibilities by s.e.m, who lowkey may be my faves) and im knitting a jumper

Four fandoms that have piqued your interest?

1. atm defo hypmic. cant wait for the 3rd drb release to drop, in need hq black journey

2. also defo defo sk8 i really cant get enough of these skateboard gays, and ive ventured into ao3 and i dont regret it at all 

3. again, idolmaster side m (can you tell i like the 2d idols) i just binged the anime after finishing a uni project and the music is absolute fire i would sell my soul for all of them

4. i hate to say it but the promised neverland, bc the first season was so good and now ive picked up the manga, and personally every single situation ive headcannoned is better than what this season is giving me

How has the pandemic been treating you?

idk really?? like day to day it doesn’t feel that bad, but i feel like it isn’t helping me at all. this is my 4th year of uni which was supposed to be very lab heavy which hasn’t happened, and being away has really dropped my confidence in being able to actually do science. and as a shy person it’s just giving me an excuse to be distant and keep to myself which isn’t good bc i know i need to make an effort to be social. but at least ive been able to spend lots of time with my family which is great bc 3 years of uni has really taught me how much i miss them when im away

but it gave me the perfect opportunity to get into anime which is great bc as a person that in the past hyperfixates and jumps between fandoms, something tells me this is gonna stick

A song you can’t stop listening to right now?

KAIGEN by badass temple. no joke it slaps. as of rn i want them to win the drb, just bc of how hard that song goes

How old are you?

22. fuck im 22, 23 this year. it feels like i only just turned 18, how am i supposed to be an adult now

School, univerisity, occupation, other?

uni, im in my 4th masters year doing biochem (and genetics), although all im studying this year is plants plants plants 

Do you prefer heat or cold?

cold. defo cold. i dont mind the summer but ever since i got heatstroke a couple of years ago in a very very hot paris, ive been scarred

Name one fact others may not know about you.

i love love love watching costube, it is my gig. id love to be able to sew properly and make my own clothes

Are you shy?

definately. unless you are my family, i dont know how to act around you

Pronouns?

she/her

Biggest pet peeves?

people just not being concious of the fact that the world exists kinda?? like people that are just too preocupied with themselves. like its not that hard to just do a helpful job for someone. and you can be completely selfish about it, bc itll make you feel good to help someone else. just be nice.

What is your favorite “dere” type?

lol lowkey i love a bakadere, but only if theyre done well

Rate your life from 1-10, 1 being crappy and 10 being the best it could be.

probably 8, maybe even a 9. i have the best family, and im doing well at uni. i can just hang out, watch anime, do some work, do some crochet or knitting. i have lots of stuff to so and that i want to do which always feels great. but im also right at that turning point where im about to leave uni and have to figure out what my life is gonna be like which is terrifying, and im also at that point where i feel like my entire life revolves around uni work which kinda sucks bc theres other stuff i want to do, like learn to sew, or learn a language, that i just dont have time for. but honestly, i wouldnt have it any other way

What’s your main blog?

youre on it

List your side blogs and what they’re used for.

none. i dont have time or the mental capacity to cope with side blogs. this is just the mess of content and stream of concious rants you get

Is there something people need to know about you before becoming friends?

i SUCK at communicating. like i actively dislike communicating unless it is a 1 on 1 face to face conversation. so if i dont message you, it doesnt mean i hate you. i just suck at keeping in contact with people, and am working on it. so please just talk to me, bc ill never not want to talk

lol if you got to the end thanks and see ya 

[beyondthetemples-ooc]

“Why” tags are going here because Tumblr’s a baby who can’t handle all these words at once. :P

Why:

#but i spent my whole life absolutely CONVINCED that wings belonged on my body. it just... tok me a good long while to figure out Why.

#Oh THAT'S why everyone's freaking out over that post.

#at first I was like ''Wow this is Srentha to the core!'' And then I read ''why this unreasonable answer at the sight

#honestly this is why i'm basically addicted to empty-mind meditation?

#??? why do people do these awful things to Good People though

#i don't know how or why and i don't remember ever having Learned about That Letter? but my mind automatically knew it was 'hath' somehow

#Of course that DOES beg the question of why a LORd of CHAOS doesn't... you know. CHANGE it? ??

#first of all: REM WHY ARE YOU COMING to OHIO of all places???

#okay but. randy how did they MEET what's the STORY why are they HATING on TEXAS

#or like. a Sarcastic Joke because cyborg was once like ''why aren't you miss mary sunshine''?

#''What are you DOING. You RUN. ALWAYS RUN.'' and i was like. ''why bother getting into adventures if you're gonna RUN though..''

#I don't know why but I always score better on Customer Service Questionaires when I choose responses like ''I'm sorry

#i've never seen that still before and I CAN;T FATHOM WHY because that is FANTASTIC!

#I don't know why but ''novice suddenly ends up with super incredibly powerful abilities'' is one of my FAVORITE TROPES!

#I have no idea how/why but these just gave me Massive Leyla and Srentha Feels.

#my usual turnaround time for Dreams to Real Life is about two weeks. not sure why but it happens to like 7 people in my immediate family

#Especially with the bells. I don't know why but bells always remind me of that place. ~<3

#Nobody intrinsically knows how to solve problems that hurt another person. That's why COMMUNICATION is so important!

#also: Good Post re: Why Danny is So Actually-Great

#why does everyone spell ''bear with me' like that?

#i know right? Why did I never think of that??

#why do i love this so much

#that's basically why Evanescence became my favorite band. it's not all romo-/sexually-centric

#i've always read it the same way and didn't notice Why Everyone Stopped Liking Her but that also brought that particular Change to light...

#groans eternally in Tumblr's direction. why even bother with all these updates.

#Oh THAT'S why Eda could do glyphs! /joke

#thaaaat's probably why Fancie Word Choice has always been a strength in my writing.... {lD;;;;;

#velvet and sheer... why have I never seen that combination before? It's GLORIOUS

#That's probably why he's so good at spontaneous Travelling too. Lots of practice when trying to find her... /owo

#This is why House and Senate votes count though! The President may have a lot of control over the military but a strong H+S

#I know MC Escher was a master of this (whatever This is) and that's why he's one of my favorite artists.

#okay but I'm intensely curious why he didn't have a plan to take HIMSELF out and thought he'd have to rely on THEM dsfndsgmfhdgj

#I wonder why he'd need to attack/defend while shifted? Can he also use such magic when he's not shifted?

#but I think that variety is why her every new album is so refreshingly Different.  Her singing ALONE improves so MUCH with every album!

#the only difference is that I imagined the fire came with smoke and that's why her gasp was so strangled and she grabbed her throa

#honestly this is why i'm basically addicted to empty-mind meditation?

#i'm cleaning my room and i misplaced it. badfnmkngjf;lk this is why i hate cleaning

#but scenes like this are why i love DC's latest gen of animated movies

#that Friends As Family theme was super important to why i love the 80's comics too..........

#this is why i read fanfic

#i think she feels slighted in some way but i can't pinpoint Exactly Why let alone HOW.

#and it's like.. Halfo f why lapis's characterization is so Shaky for me? Because the girl barely talks??? And she has like 7 Speech Modes

#^^^^ GUYS THIS WAS ALERINA. This is the environment Dove was raised in! This is why losing her mother tore her apart! ^^^^^

#This is so so SO important and delves deeply into why language is so important for learners and general humanity alike. ~<333

#that's why my tag for Old People Stories isn't specific to any generation. it's just Shitty Adults Being Shitty

#I write primarily about OCs and I know that's why my readership is so low. I write stories for a Dead Fandom that has declined sharply.

#you know? so that's why my Affirmations Tag is like 60% Steven UniversE Content at this point. 8F It's Helping Me Learn!

#It's a CIRCADIAN THING not an INSOMNIA THING. I don't know why my doctors don't believe it's NOT the same as INSOMNIA

#oh is THAT why my love language is ''all of them''?

#and i hardcore headcanon ry ouwearing glasses when he gets older. so why not?

#i Suck at the aCTUAL DRAWING art but i'm i na bit of a fallow period with the org and personal life. so why not?

#i'm already planning an aviary for the doves. so why not? (they'd be Very Separate from teh raven though. for obvious reasons)

#let's add to the Emotional Whiplash of Today pile. sure! why not!!

#but i got the dvd and i have vlc so why not use them i guess? i already had it in the drive for the extras and this way there's .....

#She can hop dimensions so why on Earth-- ALL the Earths-- hasn't she Been Relevant to ANY multi-timeline crisis yet???

#yes of fucking COURSE Dove and the rest are in Team Transition too!! Why on Earth-- on ANY earth! wouldn't I transition them too?!

#so why on earth did danny chase get shafted so hard?????

#about WHY or if she's GONNA be OKAY or HOW or--

#So gentle and soft and concerned and really quite quiet and subtle... which might be why others didn't pick up on the Love Vibe

#but the last one I reblogged didn't have that specified! 8O i don't know why one of my special interests is Unusual Instruments

#why WOULDN'T you snog a snitch if it could bring your dead loved ones back though? Why on Earth WOULDN'T you???

#but it's about ''they're very different. but they're friends!'' It just never talks about why or how that's important.

#(i think that's her full name for some reason but i don't know why or when i heard/saw it. somebody please correct me if i'm wrong!)

#I must be an Asker. I've never understood why people are so convinced they Can't Say No if someone asks?

#i also think PTSD makes you react to fear Differently from Pure Adrenaline Responses... but i can't unravel Why right now

#And also at the time I couldn't fathom why someone would think she was autistic. because i didn't know myself

#god this foreshadowing was just. so sincere and heart-rending and when this episode came out I *DID* wonder why she'd say that...

#I'm STILL trying to figure out why Srentha thought Dove was confessing that she has heartworm. (i know she Does Not in fact

#at first I was like ''Wow this is Srentha to the core!'' And then I read ''why this unreasonable answer at the sight

#i can't figure out why though

#If my Harmony Core theory is correct: it would explain why they're playing their music So Hard.

#the fact that my first reaction was ''why though'' is..... concerning?

#raven's like How? Why The HELL. and dove doesn't have a good answer besides ''it felt like i needed it.''

#fun fact: i misread this as ''zatana zatara / MICHIGAN '' and i was like... ''why the fUCK--''

#i don't know why there's all this fanart of

#and also sugar skulls are delightful but you should really know what they MEAN and REPRESENT and WHY they're sweet and flamboyant

#if someone is passionate; angry; or distressed over a topic: She doesn't always understand WHY until they EXPLAIN it. If they do at all.)

#oh hey why was THAT line never a meme

#this is why we need

#but that doesn't make it any less FRUSTRATING because I've been wORKING THROUGH the pptsd and why won't it STOP?

#(because that's why we have to pay for everything from movies to individual channels now. let's be real)

#i've never understood why winter and fall were the only ~fashionable~ seasons for wearing black.

#I mean to be FAIR some of the government DID mobilize and that's why we got the Stimulus Bill.

#But DC... this bullshit is why we can't have nice things

#and as soon as I looked it up: y first thought was ''Oh is that why we call them Abner?'' My second was ''Is that what *I* am?''

#also if you're as powerful as zee it probably comes second-nature so why WOULDN'T you throw it around to stop an argument?

#okay but if SPINEL doesn't know then how/why would BLUE know

#what? no i didn't just stare at this for a solid two minutes and read it over five times. no.. why would I do that?

#that's because it's not ''cool'' to hate on it so why would it be ''cool'' to like it ironically?

#why WOULDN'T you snog a snitch if it could bring your dead loved ones back though? Why on Earth WOULDN'T you???

#but it's not like a ragey angry thing. it's like........ war of attrition? why yes i think i WILL sign the 47th petition for the same thing

#over and over again and rewound and replayed until i got the whole spell written down. why YES I'm a little hyperfixated! why do you ask!!!